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takerfoxx · 3 years

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In response to JK Rowling and Joss Whedon, my (former) idols

I really didn’t want to have to do this.

So in addition to…=gestures vaguely=…all of that, the last few months have been kind of sucky when it comes to learning some really unpleasant things about artists that I looked up to, admired, and was in fact inspired by. I’ve already spoken about the Speaking Out movement revealing a lot of ugly behavior from various wrestlers, some of which I was big fans of, and then later we got Chris Jericho being a full-on MAGA. Yeah, that all sucked. But those were just performers whose work I enjoyed watching. The one that really hurt were writers who I deeply admired, whose stories I love, and who I was heavily influenced by.

The first, of course, was finding out that JK Rowling, the author of perhaps the single biggest YA fantasy series of all time Harry Potter, is a TERF. This really sucked for a number of reasons. Firstly, I really like Harry Potter! I mean, I’m not a super fan or anything. I came into it when things were kind of dying down, like the whole book series had already been released and there were only a few movies left, but I still really enjoyed it, have all the books and movies and a fair amount of merchandise swag, including a nifty wand I got at Universal Studios. Shit, I got two replicas of the Sword of Griffyindor, thanks to them screwing up my order in my favor and sending me a duplicate! They’re on my wall right across from me as I type this!

But in addition to writing a book series I really liked, JK Rowling was supposed to be one the good guys. She’s been vocally progressive, often openly comes down on British right-wing nonsense, has supported various persecuted minorities, and is on record as being one of the few self-made billionaires to actually stop being a billionaire for a time because she donated so much money to charity. And while we mock it now, her revealing Dumbledore as gay was a huge deal at the time. Plus, she cultivated this reputation as Auntie Jo, that cool, supportive aunt we all wanted.

But for a while her stock has been dropping. Her preference for confirming “representation” via tweets instead of explicitly putting it in the text of her stories has raised the question of queer-baiting, especially with a whole-ass movie with a young Dumbledore and Grindelwald to make their relationship explicit but failing to do so. The whole Nagini thing from the latest Fantastic Beasts movie was pretty gross. And re-examination of various problematic elements from the original novels has rubbed a lot of people the wrong way. Now, none of these really looked to be intentionally malicious, of course. Just about everyone’s early work will have problematic elements; that’s just how people work. And the later stuff smacked more of ignorance than anything. But after all this time, it’s like, c’mon. You should know better by now.

But the biggie came when her transphobic views finally came to light. Now, this one had been brewing for a while, due to some questionable likes and statements on her twitter. But then she decided to just go public and published what essentially amounts to a TERF manifesto, one with a very “love the sinner, hate the sin” condescending attitude and had a real persecution complex air to it.

Now, I’m not going to go into detail about what the manifesto was about, what the circumstances surrounding it were, or how wrong it was. It’s already been raked over the coals, dissected, answered, and debunked in detail by people far more qualified than me, so odds are, you’re already well aware of its contents and the subsequent rebuttals. But the gist of it comes down to her basically believing that transwomen are actually cis men claiming to be trans so as to infiltrate and invade female-only spaces.

Yeah.

Okay, that’s gross, but…why? Why is someone so noted for being progressive and wanting to foster an inclusive environment making this the hill of exclusion that she wants to die on?

Well, that’s where things get tricky. She mentions that prior to Harry Potter, her first marriage was highly physically and sexually abusive, and when she escaped from that, she had no place to go, leading her to be homeless for a time.

Oh.

Well, that makes sense. Someone goes through a highly traumatic experience with a member of the opposite sex, has no support structure when she escapes it, is left to fend for herself, only to suddenly get rocketed into fame, fortune, and influence, which in turn leads to a Never Again mentality. She was hurt, no one was there to help her, and now she’s afraid of men invading women-only spaces to victimize others like she was victimized. So…literally transphobic. Literally a Trans Exclusionary Radical Feminist.

Guys, this is so fucked up. Like, how do you even approach something like this? She’s a victim in every sense of the word, so of course she’s going to have physiological damage and a warped view of things. I mean, if I found out that a close friend of mine went through the same thing and had the same prejudices, I would be nothing but sympathetic! I mean, I’d still do what I can to convince her to overcome those prejudices, but I’d still show sympathy and support for what she went through.

Abuse warps people. There’s a reason why so many abusers are abuse survivors themselves. It makes you terrified of being hurt again and often causes people to adopt toxic behaviors, beliefs, and reactions to protect themselves. I’ve already talked about it at length while discussing She-Ra and its own handling of the cycle of abuse, which included franks discussions of Catra’s horrible behavior, why she was the way she was, while never losing sympathy for her and rooting for her to overcome it. So if JK Rowling is an abuse survivor, is it really right to come down on her for having warped views because of that abuse?

But that’s the problem. See, she isn’t your troubled friend that you’re trying to help. She isn’t your cousin Leslie who’s a really sweet person but unfortunately adopted some bad ideals due to trauma suffered. She JK freakin’ ROWLING, one of the most famous, wealthy, and influential women in the world. She has a platform of millions, if not billions, which means her voice lends credibility to her bigoted beliefs. Alt-righters and other TERFs have already swooped upon this for giving validation to their awful beliefs, which puts trans people even more at risk. And as horrible as Rowling’s experiences might have been, the trans community is often the victim of far worse, and they don’t have a mountain of money and an army of defenders to protect them like she does. I’ve said it time and time again: just because you’re a victim, that doesn’t give you the right to victimize others! And bringing things back to Catra, as much as I loved her redemption in the final season, she was still a TERRIBLE PERSON for a huge chunk of the show, one that needed to be stood up to and stopped.

So yeah. That’s the messiness that is JK Rowling.

Now, let’s talk about the one that really hurts. Let’s talk about Joss Whedon.

I’ve made no secret of what a huge Whedon fan I am. Unlike Rowling, I was a HUUUUUGE superfan. Seeing Serenity for the first time in theaters was akin to a religious awakening to me as a storyteller, making it one of my top three movies of all time. Firefly is my favorite show ever. And I adored Buffy, Angel, and Dollhouse as well. I love Cabin in the Woods and The Avengers. The very first fanfic I ever wrote was a Firefly fanfic that disappeared along with my old laptop. I know his style isn’t for everyone, but I cannot understate how much of a personal inspiration he is to me as a writer.

And like Rowling, Joss was supposed to be one of the good guys! Buffy was monumental in pushing the needle when it came to female empowerment. Will and Tara were groundbreaking as a gay couple. He’s been outspoken for years about his feminist views and beliefs and was seen as one of the most prominent and influential feminist voices in Hollywood!

And then things started to go bad.

One day he was on top of the world, the mastermind behind the first two Avenger movies. And the next, it seemed like he was in freefall. It’s hard to really pinpoint exactly when the change took place. Some would say him being brought in as a last-minute substitute for Zack Snyder to take over on Justice League after Snyder had to leave due to family tragedy, and the subsequent awful critical reception to that film tarnishing his image, even if those were very unique circumstances that couldn’t really be blamed on him. Others might point to Age of Ultron’s less than stellar reception, as well as criticism of some questionable jokes and certain creative decisions regarding the character of Black Widow, which then led to a more critical examination of how Whedon continues to write female characters, as while his work might have been revolutionary in the 90’s, his failure to evolve with the times had meant that many of his portrayals are now woefully outdated and problematic, with his vision for a Batgirl movie getting hit with a lot of backlash as a result.

Again, I’m not going to go into too much detail, as this is all public knowledge and can be easily looked up, but overall it seemed that Whedon entered into a period where he was getting criticized more than he was celebrated, and his image of a guaranteed hit maker was now in doubt.

But all of this wasn’t the big problem. All creators go through rises and slumps, and everyone hits points where they get hit with a barrage of criticism; that’s just part of being a public creative figure, especially a progressive one. And had nothing happened after, it would have probably faded, got forgotten, and Whedon would have moved onto the next project with no fuss.

But as it turned out, it wasn’t just a minor slump in his career. Instead, it was the priming of the pump.

In 2016, Whedon divorced his wife of sixteen years, Kai Cole, and in an open letter, Kai Cole accused him of being a serial cheater, who would have affairs with a great many women, from co-workers, to actresses, to friends, to even his fans. And in addition to raising questions of him possibly abusing his position as showrunner to elicit sex from those working on his projects, there also is the ugly question of how could someone who speaks so highly of women then go and backstab the person who was supposed to be the most important woman in his life, as well as lying to her and denying her the autonomy of deciding whether or not she even wanted to continue to have a relationship with him?

Furthermore, Whedon himself has not explicitly denied these accusations, and comments made by him seem only to confirm them.

Now if you’ll recall, I reacted publicly to this news, and despite my admiration of Whedon’s work, I came down on Kai Cole’s side, and stated that while things like marriage issues and infidelity were no one’s business but that of the couple’s, it did raise a lot of uncomfortable questions about how Whedon treated the women in his life and he really needed to get his shit in order.

But hey, a messy private life and a guy falling into temptation isn’t that big of a deal, right? Plenty of creators also go through multiple marriages and have problems staying faithful and still continue making great art. We’re all human, it’s a stressful job, and this shit just happens, right? Sure, it’s gross and a shitty thing to do, but ain’t no business of ours, right?

In late 2020, actor Ray Fisher, who played the role of Cyborg in Justice League, openly accused Joss Whedon of fostering a hostile work environment, claiming that the director’s behavior was abusive and unprofessional, and that Whedon in turn was protected by DC executives.

DC and Warner Bros. came down against Fisher, claiming they had done an internal investigation that turned up no evidence of wrongdoing (yeah, sure they did), and soon Fisher was out as Cyborg, apparently for rocking the boat.

But then Charisma Carpenter, noted for her important role as Cordelia Chase in both Buffy the Vampire Slayer and Angel, then spoke up, claiming to be inspired by Fisher in doing so. She described Whedon did indeed foster a hostile work environment on his projects, that his often acted in a toxic manner, from asking incredibly invasive and inappropriate questions regarding her pregnancy to insulting her on set. She said that she made excuses for him for years, but after undergoing a lot of therapy and reading what Ray Fisher had to say, she felt compelled to speak out.

And this just open the floodgates. Other actors and actresses also came forward, some with stories of their own, others to offer support. Even Buffy herself, Sarah Michelle Gellar, confirmed Carpenter’s stories and said that she no longer wanted to be associated with Whedon. Michelle Trachtenberg, who played the character of Dawn, stated that she also experienced toxic treatment from Whedon despite her being a minor at the time, and says that the set had a rule that Whedon wasn’t allowed to be alone with her again, which really raises some sickening questions of what happened the first time. Even male stars have spoken out, from words of support and apologies for not speaking up earlier from Anthony Stewart Head and David Boreanaz, to an earlier interview with James Marsters, in which he described being terrified of Whedon, mainly due to an instance when Whedon was frustrated with the popularity of Marsters’s character of Spike messing with his plans and physically and verbally taking it out on the actor. There have been many corroborating stories of Whedon being casually cruel on set, on seemingly taking delight in making his fellow show writers cry, and even the man himself admitting to enjoying fostering a hostile work environment during his director commentary of the Avengers. We’ve joked about Whedon’s supposed sadism for years, but that was in regards to how he treated the characters in his stories, not the people helping him make them!

So yeah. That’s the problem with Joss Whedon.

So, do I think that Joss Whedon is somehow some kind of sociopath who lied about his feminist principles and deliberately put on a progressive façade specifically to get into a position of power so he could torment people? No, of course not. I think he was sincere about his beliefs, and I do think he didn’t realize the wrongness of his behavior. But that’s kind of the problem. See, it’s one thing to have kind of a trollishness to your nature, a sort of sadistic side. No one can help that. But when someone with that quality gets put into a position of power in which they are protected by both the higher-ups and their legions of fans, they are allowed to mistreat and continue to mistreat people. And by never suffering any consequences, that sort of toxic behavior becomes internalized, becomes a habit, becomes their moda operandi. And when you’re constantly getting praised as a creative genius and a wonderful feminist voice, any self-criticism just gets wiped away, and you think yourself above reproach, leading to what Joss Whedon became and went on being.

And you know what scares me the most about this particular issue? It’s not that I am a fan of his stories. It’s that I can so easily see myself turning out the same way.

Look, I’ll be upfront about it: I’m kind of a sadist myself. You’ve seen it in my stories, you’ve seen me gloating after a particularly dark plot twist makes my readers freak out. That sort of stuff is fun to me. There’s a reason why I have a much easier time in the dark and violent scenes, because I’m channeling something ugly within me. We all have a dark side, and this is mine.

But UNLIKE Whedon, that doesn’t carry over to how I treat people in real life (unless Monopoly or Mario Party are involved, then it’s fair game). Maybe it’s because I wasn’t given the sort of power and praise he did so early, and I was always taught to be considerate of other people’s feelings, but if I ever find out that I hurt another person or went too fair, I feel TERRIBLE, and it just throws me off all day until I apologize. Even if I don’t notice right away that what I said or did wasn’t cool (autistic, remember?), when it’s pointed out to me and I have some time to think on it, yeah, the guilt is on and I make a point to apologize to whoever I’ve hurt. I’ve even made a point to apologize to members of my family for inconsiderate stuff I said years ago as a little punk kid because it wouldn’t stop bugging me.

So maybe Whedon got too big, too fast. Maybe putting people on these sorts of pedestals, especially progressive ones, is ultimately a bad thing.

So where does this leave us? How are we to treat JK Rowling and Joss Whedon, one who developed a lot of transphobia due to abuse suffered while the other became a toxic individual due to unchecked control and a lack of consequences? Can we still enjoy their stories despite them now being colored by their creators’ falls from grace? Can we separate the art from the artist, or do we have to do a clean split?

Honestly, I feel that has to come down to the individual. I can’t remove the influence Rowling and Whedon have had on me as a storyteller, and I still highly respect both of their talents despite taking major issue with their problems as people. And I’m not going go throw away all of my Harry Potter or Firefly stuff. Because that’s my stuff. It has value to me, it doesn’t represent the issues with their creators, and a lot of it was gifts from people who are dear to me. Though I do think it’ll be a long time before I return to either of their work, as I just don’t have the stomach for it now.

But I will be avoiding any projects they have in the future. I don’t want to put money in their pockets that might go on to support their toxic beliefs or behavior. And as for royalties for their past work that would also support the cast and crew of the Harry Potter films or those who worked on Whedon’s shows who do not deserve to lose money because we don’t want any of that money going to the creators? Er, that question is a little above my paygrade. I don’t know. You’ll have to all decide for yourselves. As for me, I still have a lot of thinking to do.

Regardless though, if I or anyone else is still able to enjoy their work, then it’s important to not divorce what these people said or did from the art they created, even if it makes enjoying that art less fun. It’s important to be critical about what we enjoy, to acknowledge the bad aspects along with the good, and open up discussion of those elements, because that’s what mature adults are supposed to do.

And as for JK Rowling and Joss Whedon, whose stories I love, whose talent I admire, and whose past good work I’ll happily acknowledge, I do hope they both experience some sort of realization and enter into a period of self-examination that leads to them getting help for their issues, for Rowling to get help in coming to terms with her trauma and realizing that she’s wrong about the trans community and a full apology, and for Whedon to also come to terms with his toxic behavior and how he treats people, for him to make no excuse for what he did and sincerely apologize to those he hurt and work on bettering himself, as well as them both examining some of the more problematic tropes still present in their works. Because despite everything, I do feel that they can still be a creative force of good, and it would be a shame if they let themselves self-destruct.

But if not, then if it comes down to choosing between Rowling and the protecting the trans community, if it comes down between choosing between letting Whedon continue to make shows and protecting actors and writers from his abusive behavior, then I know who I’m siding with, and it ain’t the two individuals this whole essay is about. No story, no matter how good, no matter how creative, is worth letting sacrificing vulnerable people in order for it to be made.

#jk rowling #joss whedon #harry potter #Buffy The Vampire Slayer #angel #firefly #justice league #ray fisher #charisma carpenter #kai cole #transphobia tw #abuse tw #toxicity tw #TERF tw #rant #TERFs don't interact I do not want to talk to you #same for abuse apologists

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halfemptygirlrps-archive · 4 years

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Polyamory CAN work (long post)

As a black, queer woman who could very well be poly, I am always looking for content to feed my soul and have for a few years now. I know I grumble about white/het couples a lot which makes me sound some kind of way but I ship a ton of white couples, that isn’t the problem. It’s the way representation is stepped on these days with toxic white couples being seen as true love that upsets me. And this is coming from a chick that lowkey ships Reylo.

I don’t understand and never will why writers in 2020 think that the only demographic there is are the people who can’t handle seeing anything but a white male and a white female be together. Interracial relationships CAN and DO work and f/f or m/m relationships or any race CAN work, so guess what, so can relationships involving three or more people and while difficult, it can work, even if the people are different races.

My annoyance also stems from Poly woman really getting shat on when writers hit a wall. Very few times have I seen it work out and that’s so stupid to me because she shouldnt’ have to choose.

I start with Wynonna Earp, a CLEARLY Poly woman with a strong sexual appetite that never gets shamed. She loved both Dolls and Doc and though Shamier left the show effectively forcing her to Doc, they still made it clear that she was poly and capable of having feelings for more than one man when they brought in Charlie. He was patient and sweet and while all three men wanted Wynonna to themselves, they NEVER gave her an ultimatum and even while PREGNANT WITH ANOTHER MAN’S BABY Dolls still loved her and held her in bed. I believe that had Shamier (Dolls) not left that they would have went on waiting for her to choose but also letting her know that she didn’t have to.

Then there’s my first real Poly stan, Bo Dennis from Lost Girl. Unapologetically bisexual and poly, Bo was in control at all times, both of her relationships and her sexuality. While she needed sex to feed like a vampire needs blood,she also enjoyed it and didn’t view it as a curse or burden and her partners were alwasy consenting, which was amazing. Lauren never shamed Bo (in fact she praised her sexuality and wished she could keep up) for liking men (thus not being toxic to bi women, which is an issue in the community I wont get into) and Dyson, Bo’s male lover never pressured her to submit to him. Here she is pictured with Tamsin, Dyson and Lauren, all her lovers, at once.

If all three of them can be respectful and understanding while each of them were with Bo alone, not a quad, then why do they make it seem so hard to have three people love each other? And yes, I know that couples break up, but on Tv they just dont need to when it’s what a show is based on.

I could go on about Bo all day but I will move on to one of my favorite movies: Prof. Marsden and the Wonder Women.

Now real or not this story had everything. It showed how slowly and steadily they grew to love each other, the highs and lows and the shame of the community that made them all stronger together. Was there jealousy at times, yeas, but they addressed it and learned that they didnt’ need to be and that they could all be together happily and that it could be easy to be in love with more than one person. Sure, it was the 40s but in this day and age it’s nothing to hide, and if they could have a happily ever after back then, why couldn’t it happen now?

Could it be because of race? Without kidding ourselves, we know that every fandom is capable of being toxic and that it’s just fact that the black girl is often hated. I call it the Iris West treatment, where the clear canon couple is hated and the black girl is trashed for the white option. I quit Supergirl after Season 2 but I hear that Jimmy’s sister is getting said treatment now from a friend that still watches and I am not surprised. You can’t force an actor to stay on a show and I get that having their ship destroyed build animosity, but I really can’t help but feel like had the other girl been white it wouldn’t have been such a huge issue. A Stefan vs Damon issue none the less, but still, less so. I say that because I have seen actual people defend Mon El in that fandom but saying “what’s wrong with owning slaves?” NUff said.

Another reason I bring up why it could be race is because of You, Me, Her.

I really enjoy this show and will be sad to see it and and while I recommend it, there are flaws, but none of these flaws seems to be that the three of them can’t work past it and get back together.

Emma and Jack are married, Izzy comes in and shakes up their world and they both fall ass over elbows in love with her and her with them. They go through the usual things:jealousy, favoritism, hiding their relationship then coming out, but they always work through it. When Jack leaves to date an ex, he comes back. When Emma leaves to date and ex, she comes back. When Jack and Emma think about moving away and Izzy doesn’t want to, they come back. When Izzy has a thing with a co-worker, she still chooses Jack and Emma because they know they all need and love each other. They even have babies together! Izzy sees the sonogram and her heart stops. She realizes that she is going to be their actual mom and they all get married and even look into tri custody because they know they are a family and that it’s not an odd man out type of thing. They try it with other people and with just one another but they know where they’re hearts belong. It works. Does it work because they’re all white? NOPE

Sense8 was a brilliant show. Here everyone was represented and it was such a shame they killed it. Still, they showed us that sexuality can be fluid and that a fandom can be supportive. Raj and Kala married in spite Kala loving someone else. They never made her choose and in the end, they accepted that she was poly and wanted both and guess what? The two guys even fell for each other! Here is a white, bisexual male with his Indian partners. India isn’t the greatest with being gay so for Raj this must have been stranger and scary but they both made him feel safe and comfortable, loved and supported and in the end it was canon that they were all going to be together and learn as they go. Like with You, Me, Her, the fandom is supportive of this and while we didn’t get much of Rajalagang, it is clear that they can work regardless of skin color, religion, and even long distance.

So then why not Polymarine? It was clear it tested well with the audience, haters aside, so what made them feel like they couldn’t carry on? Sure, people fall out of love, but in the show, they just didnt’ need to. Before Ryn Ben and Maddie were together without issue for almost a year. It was made clear every time that he was in love with her, that they had chemistry and that he was attracted to her, so how do they justify saying that this:

Wasn’t real and meant nothing? That this

Wasn’t the same?

If other relationships can survive and thrive then what is it that was so hard, so difficult for the writers that they remove the credit that they themselves paved the way for and throw it aside for something that has been done literally thousands of times? Why throw away what made you unique to fall in line? Why does a show about mermaids have to have this be the “realistic” thing?

#polyamory #polymarine #long post #maddie bishop #ben pownall #ryn fisher #ryn #siren #siren freeform #poly representation

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anticatradoraofficial · 4 years

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Anti-Catra/Catradora

This series has always felt like the Catra Show, and so much so that even Hordak never felt like the main villain. And nothing drove that point home more than season five proving once and for all that this series moral line(or lack there of) is REALLY about a Villain Protagonist when the character that increasingly became a MONSTER for FOUR SEASONS still got everything she wanted in the end.

Catra is the poster child for the moral bankruptcy of this series.

I can’t buy her “redemption,” or her relationship with Adora, because she WENT TO FAR.

Therefore nor can I buy the HYPOCRITICAL mental gymnastics that arise when she is a topic of discussion in the fandom.

For four seasons I watched this character WILLINGLY and GLEEFULLY jump rope with the moral event horizon. Then she finally broke it to the pieces when she genocides the planet, and everyone on it, because of her sick,evil obsession with being better than Adora.

Loved all this time my behind.

Catra was a vile person from her introduction, and just got increasingly more poisonous as the show went on.

The story seems to want us to treat Catra like a bad friend that said a few mean words here and there, and therefore all she has to do is sincerely apologize then friendship can begin again.

Here’s the thing Catra wasn’t just a bad friend, but also an ABUSER and a FASCIST.

She had multiple opportunities to leave the horde, had no reason to stay in the first place, gleefully attacks the resistance, is pretty much the direct reason Angela died, tried straight up multiple times to end Adora’s and her friends lives, and was just an abomination to even the ones on her side etc..

On the flip side we have Adora who doesn’t give a damn about Catra for four seasons. She’s too busy enjoying life with her REAL friends. Try and recall, was there ever a moment where Adora was…concerned for Catra’s safety? Pining for her in any way romantically? Ever? Even once during the first four? Because I don’t. Honestly Catra wasn’t important to Adora until Catra showed up on screen. And then they both wanted to kill each other. Any moments of Adora thinking about Catra it was in the context of Catra being her ENEMY.

But I’m supposed to believe in their romance based on what?

Catra’s toxicity? Adora’s nonexistent romantic feelings for pretty much the entire series?

In season 5 all Catra had to do was one act of atonement and out of nowhere, like Adora has been possessed by the ghost of Queer Rep, she suddenly can’t get Catra out of her head. Also note Catra didn’t save Glimmer because she realized her past actions were evil, no it was all for Adora’s sake; the person she is toxically obsessed with.

Back to Catra, her redemption is handled with the most condescending of kid gloves.She seems like she was replaced by a clone for season five. She’s just accepted. It’s like seasons 1-4 didn’t happen.

The forgiveness was excessive, and therefore forced, so we could be okay with this ABUSER/WAR CRIMINAL being chummy and romantic with her victims.

For example Glimmer cries over her, kisses her cheek etc… Yet Catra is responsible for her mothers death, the world ending once before, trying to kill her, war crimes against Bright Moon etc.

Then Entrapta also forgives Catra like it’s nothing even though she sent HER TO DIE, and apparently she was in this hell space for a YEAR.

Same with Scorpia who forgives Catra’s toxicity in five seconds.

But everything is suppose to be wonderful because an abuser ends the series romantically involved with her victim?

When Adora said you made your choice now live with it THAT should have been the end of any reconciliation either platonic of romantic.

Even her flashbacks are her being abusive. You see her in one of them( in her so called redemption season at that) SCRATCHING Adora’s FACE to the point it left BLOOD,and JUMPING ON HER STOMACH just because Adora DARED to be friends with other people.

This was pretty much every childhood flashback they showed. She would emotionally and physically abuse Adora, and then Adora would take her back. This would continue even as near adults. It was a PATTERN(red flag) that Adora unfortunately didn’t escape.

But…..I always loved you,says Catra.

For ADORA’S own mental health/closure she could forgive,but only if she also makes it clear that she doesn’t want her abuser/war criminal ex friend back in her life.

I could have tolerated that ending instead of Adora becoming a COUPLE with her ABUSER.

Basically this villain sue ends the show getting everything she wants even after evil manipulation of several characters, genocide, war crimes against her own people, physical and mental abuse(especially toward Adora), repeated attempts at murder toward again especially Adora( bares repeating loved all this time my behind) as well as anyone else within spitting distance of her toxicity.

She gets to be pretty much a abusive scum bucket for four seasons, on top of ACTUALLY DOING THE SAME THING PRIME WANTED TO DO, yet whiplash forgiveness and Lesbians 4 Evah is her ending.

“So we’re all just okay with this?”, says Mermista incredulously of the war criminal Hordak. Good question,but then I remember you all seem to be okay with war criminal Catra who is pretty much Hordak’s parallel soo ….

Her mirror Hordak, according to the showrunner, is sentenced to beast island for his war crimes. However, my question then becomes where is Catra’s sentence?

Oh, that’s right if you’re Catra you get to be a war criminal in peace.

It’s also convenient that Mermista’s was chipped,and therefore didn’t get to say anything to the girl who helped bring down her kingdom with a smile on her face.

Funny how that worked out.

It’s even more convenient that her victims gave their lighting fast forgiveness.

Can’t have icky things like abuse and war crimes get in the way of that ending smooch you know.

I suppose we also just need to look at Angella as collateral damage while we smile at her daughter hug and kiss her killer I guess.

I also find it odd(since were loving abusers and war criminals) that Shadow Weaver point blank doesn’t get forgiveness from Adora, and she even ends the series dead. However, she defected to the good side in season two(regardless of any impure motivation), and stayed there and helped the protagonists until her season five death. But Catra who not only stayed with the conquering organization the Horde for almost the entire series,and even became their LEADER, was not only forgiven but also given a romance with her victim. Curious.

I’m tired of this abominable trope invading every piece of media.

An antagonist crosses the moral event horizon, and some even break it to pieces, but somehow the story gets selective amnesia and thus they are free to join the protagonists with their numerous sick crimes ignored or a sob story is bsed into a justification onto why we should ignore physical and emotional abuse and/or the numerous bodies piled up.

When you don’t have a moral LINE in your narrative then that means you have already made a mockery out of morality and numerous victims.

The only way I can stomach her season five ‘redemption’, and lighting quick forgiveness, is if I forget the monster of four seasons didn’t exist. Problem is I can’t do that.

Why should I get any catharsis that the protagonists prevailed over Horde Prime when you have two characters in particular(Hordak,Catra) that are pretty much him with a sob story attached. If THEY get to kumbaya with the hero’s then Prime should to because that’s honestly where the morals are at in this story.

I had to stop watching two shows(Vampire Diaries and Once Upon a Time) because I got tired of this sick trope. There were SEASONS worth of whitewashing and selective amnesia for two sick and evil characters(Damien Savatore and Regina), to the point their VICTIMS became their BIGGEST CHEERLEADERS and LOVE INTERESTS.

There is no justice when this vile trope is in play.

The moral event horizon exists for a reason. It means once a character has jumped over it then there should be no moral way they can come back from it.

Humanizing them is a good narrative choice,but that humanization doesn’t and SHOULDN’T erase their heinous crimes.

Thus the only true ending that moral event horizon characters should get are redemption equals death or thanks for growing a conscious and helping us out, but you’re STILL going to prison for life afterwards kay. They don’t get to kumbaya with their victims while the other one’s, THE DEAD BODIES, stay cold.

But you know if I HAD to I COULD have TOLERATED Catra and Hordak going on an atonement journey so they could help the people still living that they made homeless/ lives they ruined. Also they can do this while they both get the therapy they badly need.

I needed CONSEQUENCES that STUCK.

Instead Catra (ADORA’S ABUSER) gets to make out with Adora(HER VICTIM), and also become her girlfriend as well as best friends of her other victims.

So it seems this show’s message is no matter how much emotional and physical pain a person does to you it’s okay to not only let them back in your life(damn your mental health I guess),but also enter a romantic relationship with them to.

Yes, that’s what children need to see.

I did my research on the show runner, and the creators pet/villain sue bias became clearer when I did so. Catra is HER pretty much, and Adora is her wife.

That explains EVERYTHING, and not in a good way.

What the show’s title should actually be called: She-Ra: The Show Where The Villain Sue Antagonist,War Criminal Abuser, Gets a Happily Ever After With Her Victim; Whom She Emotionally and Physically Abused for Four Seasons. Another alternate: She-Ra: The Story of Lesbian Reylo.

Thank you for sharing this submission with us.

#submission #anti c//a #anti catra #(not my post)

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fantasyraindrps · 4 years

Text

Anti Catra/Catradora

Catra is the poster child for the moral bankruptcy of this series.

I can't buy her ''redemption,'' or her relationship with Adora, because she WENT TO FAR.

Therefore nor can I buy the HYPOCRITICAL mental gymnastics that arise when she is a topic of discussion in the fandom.

For four seasons I watched this character WILLINGLY and GLEEFULLY jump rope with the moral event horizon. She eventually finally broke it to the pieces when she deliberately GENOCIDES everyone on the PLANET, because of her sick,evil obsession with being better than Adora.

Loved all this time my behind.

Catra was a vile person from her introduction, and just got increasingly more poisonous as the show went on.

Season Five wants us to treat Catra like a bad friend that said a few mean words here and there, and therefore all she has to do is sincerely apologize then friendship can begin again.

Here's the thing Catra wasn't just a bad friend, but also an ABUSER and a FASCIST.

She had multiple opportunities to leave the horde,and had no reason to stay in the first place, gleefully attacks the resistance, is the reason Angela died, tried straight up multiple times to end Adora’s and her friends lives, and was just an abomination to even the ones on her side....

On the flip side we have Adora who doesn’t give a damn about Catra for four seasons. She’s too busy enjoying life with her REAL friends. Try and recall, was there ever a moment where Adora was...concerned for Catra’s safety? Pining for her in any way romantically? Ever? Even once during the first four? Because I don’t. Honestly Catra wasn’t important to Adora until Catra showed up on screen. And then they both wanted to kill each other. Any moments of Adora thinking about Catra it was in the context of Catra being her ENEMY.

But I'm supposed to believe in their romance based on what?

Catra's toxicity? Adora's nonexistent romantic feelings for pretty much the entire series?

In season 5 all Catra had to do was one act of atonement and out of nowhere, like Adora has been possessed by the ghost of Queer Rep, she suddenly can’t get Catra out of her head. Also note Catra didn't save Glimmer because she realized her past actions were evil; no it was all for Adora's sake i.e. the person she is toxically obsessed with.

Back to Catra, her redemption is handled with the most condescending of kid gloves. It’s like she was replaced by a clone for season five. She’s just accepted. It's like seasons 1-4 didn't happen. The forgiveness was excessive and forced so we could be okay with this ABUSER / WAR CRIMINAL being chummy and romantic with her victims.

For example Glimmer cries over her, hugs her, kisses her cheek etc... Yet Catra is responsible for her MOTHER’S DEATH, the WORLD ENDING once before, trying to KILL her, war crimes against Bright Moon/HER KINGDOM...

Then Entrapta also forgives Catra like it’s nothing even though she sent HER TO DIE, and apparently she was in this hell space for a YEAR.

Same with Scorpia who forgives Catra's toxicity in five seconds.

But everything is suppose to be wonderful because an ABUSER ends the series ROMANTICALLY INVOLVED WITH HER VICTIM?

When Adora said you made your choice now live with it THAT should have been the end of any reconciliation either platonic of romantic.

Even her flashbacks are her being abusive. You see her in one of them( in her so called redemption season at that) SCRATCHING Adora's FACE to the point it left BLOOD,and JUMPING ON HER STOMACH just because Adora DARED to be friends with other people.

This was pretty much every childhood flashback they showed.

She would emotionally and physically abuse Adora, and then Adora would take her back.

This would continue even as near adults. It was a PATTERN(red flag) that Adora unfortunately didn't escape.

But.....I always loved you,says Catra.

For ADORA'S own mental health/closure she could forgive,but only if she also makes it clear that she doesn't want her abuser/war criminal ex friend back in her life.

I could have tolerated that ending instead of Adora becoming a COUPLE with her ABUSER.

Basically this villain sue ends the show getting everything she wants even after evil manipulation of several characters, genocide, war crimes against her own people, repeated attempts at murder,physical and mental abuse(especially toward Adora), and just being a complete psychopath to anyone within spitting distance of her toxicity.

She gets to be pretty much a abusive scum bucket for four seasons, on top of ACTUALLY DOING THE SAME THING PRIME WANTED TO DO, yet whiplash forgiveness and Lesbians 4 Evah is her ending.

"So we're all just okay with this?", says Mermista incredulously of the war criminal Hordak.

Good question,but then I remember you all seem to be okay with war criminal Catra who is pretty much Hordak's parallel soo ....

Her mirror Hordak, according to the showrunner, is sentenced to beast island for his war crimes. However, my question then becomes where is Catra's sentence? Oh, that's right if you're the creator’s pet you get to be a war criminal in peace.

It's also convenient that Mermista was chipped,and therefore didn't get to say anything to the girl who helped bring down her kingdom with a smile on her face.

Funny how that worked out.

It's even more convenient that her victims gave their lighting fast forgiveness.

Can't have icky things like abuse and war crimes get in the way of that ending smooch you know.

I suppose we also just need to look at Angella as collateral damage while we smile as her daughter hugs and kisses her killer I guess.

I also find it odd(since were loving abusers and war criminals) that Shadow Weaver point blank doesn't get forgiveness from Adora, and she even ends the series dead. However, she defected to the hero’s side in season two(regardless of any impure motivation), and stayed there and helped the protagonists until her season five death. But Catra, who not only stayed with the conquering organization the Horde for almost the entire series as well as eventually becoming their LEADER, was not only forgiven but also rewarded a romance with her victim. Curious.

I'm tired of this abominable trope invading every piece of media. An antagonist crosses the moral event horizon, and some even break it to pieces, but somehow the story gets selective amnesia and thus they are free to join the protagonists with their numerous sick crimes ignored or a sob story is bsed into a justification onto why we should ignore physical and emotional abuse and/or the numerous bodies piled up.

When you don't have a moral LINE in your narrative then that means you have already made a mockery out of morality and numerous victims.

The only way I can stomach her season five ‘’redemption’’, and lighting quick forgiveness, is if I forget the monster of four seasons didn't exist.

Problem is I can't do that.

Why should I get any catharsis that the protagonists prevailed over Horde Prime when you have two characters in particular(Hordak,Catra) that are pretty much him with a sob story attached. If THEY get to kumbaya with the hero's then Prime should to because that's honestly where the morals are at in this story.

There is no justice when this vile trope is in play.

The moral event horizon exists for a reason. It means once a character has jumped over it then there should be no moral way they can come back from it. Humanizing them is a good narrative choice,but that humanization doesn't and SHOULDN'T erase their heinous crimes.

Thus the only true ending that moral event horizon characters should get are redemption equals death or thanks for growing a conscious and helping us out, but you're STILL going to prison for life afterwards kay. They don't get to kumbaya with their victims while the other one's, THE DEAD BODIES, stay cold.

I needed CONSEQUENCES that STUCK.

Instead Catra (ADORA'S ABUSER) gets to make out with Adora(HER VICTIM), and also become her girlfriend. She also becomes the best friend of her other victims.

So it seems this show's message is no matter how much emotional and physical pain a person does to you it's okay to not only let them back in your life(damn your mental health I guess),but it’s also fine to enter a romantic relationship with them as well.

Yes, that's what children need to see.

It's also hilarious that some of her fans say she's Zuko.

No.

She's what would happen if Azula and Kylo Ren were made into one character.

I did my research on the show runner, and the creators pet/villain sue bias became clearer.

Catra is HER, and Adora is her wife.

That explains EVERYTHING, and not in a good way.

What the show's title should actually be called:

She-Ra:The Story of a Villain Sue Antagonist,War Criminal Abuser,That Gets a Happily Ever After With Her Victim; Whom She Emotionally and Physically Abused for Four Seasons.

Another alternate:

She-Ra: The Story of Lesbian Reylo.

#catradora #anti catradora #catra #anti catra #spop season five #spop #shera confessions #spop critical #anti c//a #western magical girl confessions #adora deserved better than to end up in a romantic relationship with her abuser

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supercalvin · 4 years

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I love all your ficlets and stories! It honestly makes me very happy reading what you wrote. Was wondering for a prompt if you can do Immortal Merlin fighting for queer rights. Not really a set period i had in mind i just always imagined Merlin would be front row to a lot of the protest and riots. Arthur and or leon could be there to!! I like imagining leon is also immortal and hangs with merlin every other century. Thank you for the amazing stories!!

Whoops it’s been a hot minute since I got this prompt. A lot has happened since I wrote this, so first of all, Happy Pride! Second of all, with all the riots (the heart of which are happening literally just down the street from me) I wanted to say that black trans women were the heart and soul of the queer movement in the U.S. so therefore: Black Lives Matter, Queer Power, and Trans Rights. Hell yeah.

CW/TW: Mentions of the AIDS Crisis

Prompts + Ficlets

***

“You’ll be alright on your own?” Merlin had asked for what had felt like the hundredth time.

Arthur had wanted to be insulted that Merlin thought so little of him, but to be fair, Merlin had had to teach him the ways of the modern world. And although Arthur had been back for almost a year now, Merlin hadn’t left his side for more than a few hours since he had emerged from the lake.

Magic wasn’t as common in the world as it had once been, but over the years Merlin had created a network of magical people. He taught them what he knew and put them in contact with each other. Merlin had gotten a call from one pupil who had accidentally cursed themselves while practicing and had called Merlin in a panic.

“Don’t be ridiculous. Go!” Arthur had said, ushering Merlin out the door.

“It should only take a couple days at most,” Merlin said, looking like he would rather not leave Arthur alone. “I could call Leon.”

“Don’t be absurd. Leon is a ten-hour flight away. By the time he gets here, you’ll be back.” Arthur had rolled his eyes, “I’ll be glad for some peace and quiet for once. Go.”

Now, it was the evening of the second day, and Merlin had called him to let him know he would be back tomorrow morning. Arthur hadn’t been worried, but Merlin seemed relieved that everything was still the same back in their London apartment.

Arthur had found that the problem wasn’t so much an issue of taking care of himself, it was the boredom. It wasn’t that he needed Merlin to entertain him, he wasn’t a child no matter what Merlin said, but he found that he rather enjoyed doing things, especially new things, with Merlin.

That night, out of sheer boredom, he found himself in Merlin’s room, shuffling through some of Merlin’s mementos. He had piles of knick-knacks from hundreds of lifetimes. Merlin had moved around a lot, so he didn’t have large objects, or really anything that seemed outwardly important. On the desk, there was a small silver brooch. The bookshelf had piles and piles of manuscripts, leather bound novels, and hand-written journals, all of which were in dozens of languages. At the foot of Merlin’s bed there was a chest, which Arthur had never seen Merlin open before. Under normal circumstances he wouldn’t riffle through his friend’s things, but a long time ago Merlin had agreed that Arthur was allowed to riffle and ask about all his knick-knacks. They had decided that secrets were a thing of the past for them.

Arthur opened the chest, not expecting to find much. It was filed with an assortment of things, the first that caught Arthur’s eye was a grimoire written in the language of the Old Religion. It was probably the last of its kind. Below there was a small box wrapped in what appeared to be one of Merlin’s old tunics from Camelot. Inside the box was his mother’s sigil. It was worn, and as Arthur ran his thumb over the dove, he could almost feel the warmth of the fire when he had handed it to Merlin that night so many years ago now. He carefully set them aside.

The chest was filled with odd trinkets. There was a tube, inside of which Arthur found a rolled piece of canvas. He unfurled the painting to find a watercolor of Merlin, looking as if he had just rolled out of bed in a puffy white undershirt and a casual smile.

There were stacks of envelopes tied together with string. Arthur peaked at a few, noting that most of them were fairly recent, from the 1980s. The writing was messy and frantic. Arthur couldn’t read most of it, but he saw that the letters were from a man in the United States, living in New York City.

There was a box of photographs, ranging from what appeared to be old daguerreotypes to polaroid pictures. Arthur flipped through them. Most of them were groups of men standing together. Some were blurry night shots, but Arthur could still see men with painted faces and women dressed in suits. Others showed masses of people marching. One image showed Merlin leaning against a brick wall in a white shirt tucked into cuffed jeans. In his hand was a large black sign with a single pink triangle with white block letters that read, “Queer Power.”

Arthur spent the rest of the evening examining the photographs and reading through the letters. They were from people Merlin had met over the years. Most weren’t labeled so Arthur had to put the pieces together himself. The daguerreotypes were from a gentleman’s club in the late 19th century. The string bound letters were from a young man, talking of a disease that was spreading like wildfire through the city. The photograph of Merlin with the sign had a date on it, and with a little help of the internet, Arthur figured out that it was a snapshot right before a huge riot in London.

Part of him had known that Merlin didn’t care about gender when it came to love. In Camelot Merlin had never mentioned anyone by name, but that didn’t mean Arthur didn’t know Merlin had spent time with men and women alike. Over the past year it felt like Merlin had recounted most of his life after Camelot, but it appears he had left out this piece of the puzzle.

Merlin had always been stubborn, strong, and determined to fight for those in need. Merlin had told Arthur that while he was ‘away’ Merlin had travelled the world helping those that he could. The world was always in need of a physician, he had told Arthur. But he had never mentioned this. They had promised no more secrets, but Arthur supposed that even after a year, there would still be more stories for Merlin to tell.

***

By the time Merlin returned from his trip, Arthur had neatly put everything back to its proper place. He decided this information needed more research and luckily, Arthur had his own laptop once Merlin discovered it was a lot easier to explain the internet than everything that had happened over the course of a thousand years.

“Can I ask you something?”

Merlin was drying the dishes, but he looked over his shoulder to Arthur, who was sitting at the kitchen table, laptop open with several tabs open on articles about queer history, human rights, and UK law.

Merlin hummed an affirmative, turning back to the dish rack.

“Who was Ian?”

Merlin drops the glass he was drying but it doesn’t break, and Arthur can tell that’s only because it splashed back into the soapy water instead of the floor.

Merlin stops and Arthur watched the tension in his shoulder. “You saw the letters?”

“You said it was alright if I looked around.”

“I know,” Merlin said, obviously restraining himself. Arthur didn’t know if he was angry or just vulnerable.

“Was he…?” Arthur hated how he couldn’t get out the words. A green monster was stirring in his stomach, which wasn’t fair. Arthur didn’t have a claim on Merlin. Even if he did, the man was left to roam the Earth for hundreds of years, he was allowed a lover or two.

“I was travelling, and New York was a hot spot of people in need at the time,” Merlin said, “He was a teacher. He’d recently gotten fired when the school found out he was gay. I met him at a gay bar. He was…” Merlin stopped and Arthur could tell he wasn’t able to say much more.

“Did he make it?”

Merlin shook his head.

“I’m sorry,” Arthur said, his throat tight. “Did you love him?”

“In a way. When you get to be as old as I am, you love a lot of different people in a lot of different ways.” Merlin sighed and Arthur saw him wipe away a small tear. Merlin’s heart had to be as big as the sea. He had love in his heart for everyone he met, a tear for everyone he lost.

Arthur stood up, not taking time to think. He slipped behind Merlin and wrapped his arms around his waist, pressing his face into Merlin’s neck. Merlin’s back was stiff for a second and Arthur felt his breath stutter in his chest. Merlin’s hands were wet as they came to rest on Arthur’s forearms, which were firmly wrapped around his middle.

“Camelot was different. No one minded two men living together,” Merlin’s voice was just a breath, barely audible. “Things changed.”

“But you didn’t,” Arthur said, noticing Merlin’s shiver when he spoke against his neck.

“Arthur…What are you doing?”

“I’ve been told it’s a hug,” Arthur said, trying to lighten the mood.

“Arthur,” Merlin turned his head to look at him, his eyes a mix of annoyed and maybe a hint of fear.

Arthur swallowed down the emotion that rose in his throat, “I’m sorry you had to watch the people you love die. I’m sorry you had to watch me die.”

“Don’t ever apologize for that,” Merlin turned in his arms, gripping Arthur’s arm with a tight hand. “By the gods, don’t ever apologize for letting me have those moments. You gave me your last moments, Arthur.”

Arthur rested his forehead against Merlin’s, and for a long time they just breathed in together.

Merlin reached up and tucked some of Arthur’s hair behind his ear, “I know I never said it, but I love you.”

Arthur smiled, “That’s because you didn’t need to say it.”

“Ass,” Merlin smiled. “I don’t know if I want to punch you or kiss you.”

“It’s a tossup, I suppose.” Arthur said, leaning in to give Merlin a kiss on the corner of his mouth, linger just long enough to feel Merlin’s gasp. “I love you too, if that wasn’t obvious, either.”

***

Prompts + Ficlets

#merlin #merlin fic #ficlets #oof its been a hot minute since i wrote #literally havent looked at fanfiction in over two months #its been a rough one guys #but im getting back into it #thanks for waiting queercatboy #sorry for the wait #queercatboy

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julies-butterflies · 3 years

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I must admit, sometimes I do feel like a ye olden solider, sending letters to my beloved across the waves during wartime. Oh my dearest Lydia, I hope the kudos and comments crops have been plentiful this season. Your last letter left me weeping. Why must you put poor Reginald through such pain?

(I gotta admit, I still can't believe that I'm talking to you. I've been looking up to your work for so long...it just feels a bit surreal, even now! Glad you like hearing my ramblings! And that you liked my vampire prompt! Did not realize you'd write back when I sent that in. Look at us now, huh?)

(Speaking of prompts, I sent those jukebox and willex ones too. And I loved them both so so much, I shall scream about them more when it is not 2 am because I need sleep)

(Oh and the update of If I Was You!!! Amazing, Stellar, Incredible, Reggie, Carrie, Julie shenanigans is my new favorite thing, DID YOU JUST DOUBLE THE CHAPTER COUNT, and I'm like 90% sure Trevor is in deep trouble with a certain angry jazz ghost. Seriously loving it)

I actually do not remember what it was like to send in 1/5 asks, because I did not get a Tumblr until very reccently! I've always been a nerdy person, but Jatp is my first time being really in a fandom. You gotta do something new in quarantine, right?

Ah yes. Luke and Emily. To me, it just seems obvious that there's so much love between them. Even with all the pain. You get it. You put it down so eloquently.

As for what kind of stories I like to read...it seriously depends on my mood.

I like niche aus, passion projects. Stories where you can just feel the author's love for the world they're inventing. But I tend to lean towards cannonverse. I like ghost stories, it's what drew me to this show in the first place. And I love exploring that concept. (Being forever gone, and always the same...it's just fascinating to me)

Platonic goodness is just WONDERFUL for this show. I will read anything with cuddles. I am touched starved and these kiddos are too, and I will cry about them puppy piling every damn day. Plus there's just some much POTENTIAL for future friendships! I love ones where Flynn and Carrie get to interact with the boys as well. And 90s content, from before and after the orpheum, just hits hard.

I really wasn't expecting to get invested in the couples on this show, but something about them is moving to me. So I do love to read about them. Watching two queer kids who lived during incredibly important areas of queer history find love together after death really hit hard for me, and there's just something so bittersweet about a girl and ghost deciding to love each other for the little time they're given.

I love family dynamics too. Anything with Ray and his seven disaster children, the band and Trevor.... I think Julie and Emily is one of my favorite dynamics to explore. A girl who lost her mother and a mother who lost her son, both grieving but with one able to speak to the dead...it's just very powerful to me.

(And of course, Luke and Emily, but I figured you already knew that)

Mostly...I like seeing the messy stuff. The unexpected consequences, the baggage. I want to see the messy emotions, the grief and anger, the jealously, the disorientation. I look for those glass shards, that might be too sharp to ever be addressed on the show. Not even the big, monumental plot lines just... the harder pieces of life, the little moments that don't fit neatly into a nine episode arc.

I just want to see them live you know? Love, laughter and loss all mixed together.

(One of my all time favorite tropes is "found family gets broken apart by trauma, only to find each other again and come back stronger than ever." I feel like this explains a lot of my taste in fiction)

Thank you for the writing advice. Your words were very motivating. I am trying to begin! I got up the nerve to start working on a little piece. Who knows if it will go anywhere. But it's been nice, to finally put some words on the page.

The POTC au is so freaking good man. The character dynamics are just on FIRE. Everything is broken and messy and the relationships genuinely tug at my heartstrings. It's such a fascinating story. Highly recommend, even with the cliff hangers.

OH HOW COULD I FORGET PAWPRINTER? Man oh man I love all her work. The wheelies art and steals universe is freaking amazing, not an avacado had me in tears (of laughter, till things got surprisingly sad). And All that Remains...slow burn Willex perfection. Jedi Alex and Pilot Willie have my HEART.

I don't think I've read firefall and weneedglitter (or if I have, I'm just not connecting the names to their pieces. I don't always remember author names. it's a problem). I will go look for them though! Cannot wait!

For more recs, I recently binge read We Found Wonderland. I was not mentally prepared for the sheer amount of feelings that gave me. Highly recommend, if you ever want an emotional rollercoaster with an incredibly satisfying end.

Going on to more serious subjects...I'm sorry your family doesn't see your grief for what it is: honest. Better to feel everything quietly, than make it an easily understadnable performance. Fake grief is so easy to spot.

I think of that scene from "Forever," when Buffy breaks down and tells Dawn that she has to keep busy, because if she stops, it means Joyce is really gone. There's a lot of truth there.

On a tangent here but.. there was a very long period in my life when I was told the ways I expressed my emotions were "incorrect". And I found that sometimes, no matter how you show your emotions, you'll always be criticized. Numbness can be called disinterest, but sobbing can be called attention-seeking too. Too big, too small: that jury was impossible to please This may not apply in your situation but...it's okay to feel however you can. It's the only think you can do, really.

As I've said before, Grief is such an odd trickster.

Don't you ever get tired of missing people... This past year, I've been so weary of grief. Sometimes it can be so sharp, but it's that dull ache. That ball and chain, no longer cutting through your skin, but rubbing it raw, weighing you down.

And people don't like to talk about that part, because it's long and tiresome, but oh, is it there. I find it hard to talk about my grief, because sometimes there's just so much of it. I could drown in it, and that fear keeps me from looking to close. To incorrectly quote Jane Austin: "If I missed you a little less, I might be able to talk about it more."

(Sometimes it's faceable. But sometimes you just can't bear it. And that's okay.)

But what you wrote in that eulogy...the love is there. It's in every word you write. I cried reading that section. I feel honored once again to see some of your jagged pieces. You're sharing your heart, and there's just so much love.

In the wise words of an author I know, "Love is like the snow Reggie. It never goes away."

And don't worry, I'm always with you.

Sending Love,

-LydiaStan7845 (aka Vampire Anon)

So...that Reggie and Nicky prompt

my god

my GOD

OH MY GOD OH MY GOD OH MY GOD OH MY GOD

I think it's safe to say congrats, you've officially destroyed me! I was not prepared for that at ALL. I should know better by now I guess.

I can't get over that even though they all take place in very different universe, all your stories just feel so connected! The way this talked about those headphones, which you mentioned in the first chapter of Kill Your Heroes...it's just so cool. All the characterization and backstory is just so well thought out, and it genuinely blows my mind.

I didn't think I could love Nicky Peters more. I was wrong. The way you write about him...even though you never go into exactly what happened to him after Reggie's death, you can just feel how much it's shapped him as a person. And the trauma around his father, and how he fears becoming like that, was just so beautifully written. He's just so lovable and flawed and trying so damn hard and you made my heart ache for him. Again.

You always take these genuinely crazy situations and...you just make them feel so real. I love you explore the strains such a revelation would put on Nicky's own life, it just makes everything so compellingly messy. It seriously feel like I was watching a real-life account of a family trying to deal with such a massive complication.

That porch scene had me in tears both times I read it. Reggie's just always a big brother, even though Nicky is more than twice his age now. My heart was shattered, and then you slowly mended it, piece by piece. And for absolutely no reason at all, you wouldn't happen to have a reference for the porch, would you?

Just wow. Hope you're doing well. Sending love and applause

-Vampire Anon

i’m not even gonna reply, but i want these documented... on my blog... for posterity. ( for any curious onlookers, i’m dating this anon now!! )

#vampire anon my beloved

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nerdygaymormon · 4 years

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My Queer Playlist

Whether they’re upbeat & joyful or they convey pain & sadness, songs are a way to bond with a lot of people over something as amazing as queerness. Music has a power & ability to cut through, communicate something, & bring people together. Music can make being queer not so isolating.

Everyone has their own list of songs, but here’s my queer playlist.

It includes songs by LGBTQ performers, gay anthems, songs that are about LGBTQ topics & people, and songs that speak to the queer experience (that you’re not alone, the search for self acceptance, things get better, you’ve got one life so make the most of it, and things like strength, perseverance, & love overcoming odds). And many of these are great songs for dancing, which makes sense as even today most of the specifically-queer spaces are bars and dance clubs.

You’ll notice that as the years go on, the number of songs starts increasing as it became safer to be out & queer topics became more accepted. You’ll also see a shift from borrowing the songs of female empowerment to having actual LGBTQ people singing about their lives and feelings.

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1939 - Over the Rainbow : Judy Garland - The dreams that you dare to dream really do come true. Rainbows and dreaming of a better world--absolutely speaks to queer desires. When it was dangerous to be open about being gay, the term “friend of Dorothy” was a way for a gay people to identify each other. “Oh, you don’t know Bob? He’s a friend of Dorothy.”

1957 - Jailhouse Rock : Elvis Presley - This is a song about male inmates in prison dancing together. And there’s even a gay crush! Inmate Number Forty-seven said to Number Three “You’re the cutest jailbird I ever did see. I sure would be delighted with your company. Come on and do the Jailhouse Rock with me.”

1963 – You Don’t Own Me : Lesley Gore – This song is all about letting me be who I am and love who I love, stop trying to make me be someone I’m not. Lesley didn’t come out at the time as the music industry was homophobic, she eventually came out as a lesbian in 2005.

1964 - Don’t Rain on my Parade : Barbra Streisand - We do like great big colorful parades, don’t we? This song is about how we’ve got one life so live it with gusto, do the things you most want to do. I’m holding my own parade and nobody is going to rain on it.

1966 - You Don’t Have to Say You Love Me : Dusty Springfield - Generations of closeted women & men could identify with the idea that queer love couldn’t last, it was too risky, so they’d take what they can. You don’t have to say you love me, just be close at hand. You don’t have to stay forever, I will understand. Dusty was a lesbian who didn’t talk about it much at the time in mainstream media for fear of losing her career.

1967 - Respect : Aretha Franklin - Aretha turned this song’s message of demanding respect for oneself into a universal declaration of pride and demand for equal treatment for blacks, for women, for LGBT people. She did things like perform at the Elton John AIDS benefit or a private wedding for a high-profile gay couple.

1969 - Make Your Own Kind of Music : Mama Cass - The message is take pride in your uniqueness and individualism.

1970 – Ain’t No Mountain High Enough : Diana Ross – Love conquers all obstacles if you have enough faith in yourself.

1972 – All the Young Dudes : Mott the Hoople – David Bowie wrote this song’s lyrics and sings on the chorus. The words sound like he’s calling for all the young (gay) dudes to come together. All the young dudes (I want to hear you) Carry the news (I want to see you) Boogaloo dudes (I want to talk to you, all of you) Carry the news (now) And there’s also this lyric that sounds like Lucy is a trans woman or a drag queen, but don’t bully them because Lucy will defend themselves. Lucy looks sweet 'cause he dresses like a queen. But he can kick like a mule, it's a real mean team

1974 - Rebel, Rebel : David Bowie - Part of what made Bowie beloved amongst the queer community is he was celebratory in how he portrayed androgyny and gender non-conformity and he was sexually ambiguous (bi? gay? straight?), while at the same time flaunting sexuality in everyone’s face. He exemplified the message to be yourself, even if you’re queer. This song’s lyrics include “You’ve got your mother in a whirl. She’s not sure if you’re a boy or a girl”

1976 - Dancing Queen : ABBA - This is a story of a 17-year-old girl on a nightclub dance floor, lost in the music and the moment. Of course, “queen” has a different meaning in the queer community and so this is often sung tongue-in-cheek. There’s a delightful campiness to ABBA that has long-appealed to gay fans, and gay singers like Erasure, have covered ABBA songs.

1976 - Somebody to Love : Queen - Freddie Mercury, who composed these lyrics, was gay. The question he keeps asking “Can anybody find me somebody to love?” could be about being gay in a society when any sexuality besides ‘hetero’ was frowned upon.

1977 - I Feel Love : Donna Summer - This is a song about loving your body and your desires, a powerful sentiment for people whose attractions were once seen as deviant and who grew up feeling shame for who they are. Try to listen to this song and not feel like dancing.

1978 - Macho Man : Village People - These lusty lyrics worship the muscled physique of the ideal macho man

1978 – I Love the Nightlife : Alicia Bridges – Alicia was out as a lesbian and this song is about going to the club and dancing the night away, which appealed to queer listeners because that’s the space where they would get to unabashedly & joyfully express themselves.

1978 - Got to be Real : Cheryl Lynn - If you stay real, you’ll find “real love,” in other words, be authentic and you’ll find authentic love. The song was prominently featured in the 1990 documentary Paris Is Burning, which chronicles the ball culture of New York City and the African American & Latino gay and transgender community involved in it. There’s something deliciously ironic about Drag Queens strutting to the words about being “real”

1978 - I’m Every Woman : Chaka Khan - This song of female empowerment & strength appealed not only to women but also black and queer communities across the world because it is about taking on whatever roles you want. And it’s a favorite song for drag queens to lip sync & dance to as they can present themselves as “every woman.”

1978 - I Will Survive : Gloria Gaynor - You can imagine marginalized people asking the same questions in the song: “Did you think I’d crumble? Did you think I’d lay down and die?” The gay community has embraced this song that is a declaration of resilience & pride Even after decades of progress, many LGBTQ people still have to deal with daily assaults on their personhood & “I Will Survive” remains relevant.

1978 - Y.M.C.A. : Village People - Very fun song. The lyrics make me think of young gay teens migrating to big cities like New York (often after being kicked out by their parents). The YMCA’s provided cheap shelter for them. And of course, the lyrics hint at all the gay activity, too. “It’s fun to stay at the YMCA. They have everything for you men to enjoy. You can hang out with all the boys.“

1979 - Don’t Stop Me Now : Queen - Essentially the song is just a man intent on having a wild night out and inviting the rest of us to come along for the ride or else get out of his way. The love interests flip between male & female and back again.

1979 - You Make Me Feel (Mighty Real) : Sylvester - The singer is black, gay and some form of gender queer and sings the song in falsetto. He’s singing the praises of someone who makes him feel good, validated and alive. The words about feeling real, those mean something to queer people.

1979 - In the Navy : Village People - The United States Navy asked to use this song in a recruiting campaign, they thought it seemed like a catchy song praising the life of a sailor. They later decided against it when media started criticizing the use of taxpayer funds for a “gay” music group because it would further enhance the much-whispered talk of gay activity aboard ships, what with all these men stuck at sea with no women for long stretches at a time.

1979 - We are Family : Sister Sledge - A message of unity that resonates for queer people as we often have to build a chosen family, and this song fits that.

1979 - Go West : Village People - The song is about an imagined utopia free of homophobia and discrimination. Why “Go West?” In the USA that’s been the direction of freedom and opportunity, and plus San Francisco had become a gay mecca and it was on the West Coast.

1979 - Gimme! Gimme! Gimme! (A Man After Midnight) : ABBA - A woman is alone in an apartment watching television late at night as the wind howls outside. She says, “Gimme, gimme, gimme a man after midnight.” A sentiment many a gay man could sing along with.

1980 - I’m Coming Out : Diana Ross - Yes, this song is about that kind of “coming out.” The lyrics also are about being your truest self and throwing aside shame’s shackles.

1981 – Elton’s Song : Elton John - A moving piano ballad about a gay teenage boy’s hopeless crush on another boy. The song contains themes of heartbreak and shame. The video is enough to make me cry. This is from before Elton John was publicly out as gay

1981 - Tainted Love : Soft Cell - Having an openly gay man sing this song gave it layers of meaning. The gay experience is not all about empowerment & acceptance. This song coming at the start of the AIDS crisis came to represent some of the fear & paranoia that became part of gay life. “Once I ran to you, now I’ll run from you.”

1982 - Do You Really Want to Hurt Me : Culture Club - Boy George had a 6-year relationship with the band’s drummer, Jon Moss. The relationship was kept hidden from the public, and George often felt hurt because he wanted to be open about his love. While the song is about their secret relationship, the video is about being victimized for being gay. It shows Boy George getting kicked out of different places in various historical settings. In the courtroom, the jurors are in blackface to show the bigotry and hypocrisy of the many gay judges & politicians in the UK (most were closeted) who enacted anti-gay legislation.

1982 - It’s Raining Men : The Weather Girls - Super campy song, ridiculous words, but it’s sung fearlessly with over the top vocals that make it so good. What gay boy didn’t wish it was raining men?

1983 - I’m Still Standing : Elton John - These lyrics of showing a strong sense of endurance in the face of adversity is a theme that resonates with the queer community and is exemplified by Elton John, himself.

1983 - Na Na Hey Hey : Bananarama - This remake of the 1969 song by Steam didn’t change the pronouns. This girl group is singing to a woman, asking her to leave her man because “He’ll never love you, the way that I love you”

1983 - Church of the Poison Mind : Culture Club - A man falls in love with a religious gay man who, because of what he was taught at church, can’t resolve his own feelings about being gay. If you’re living in a society distorted by prejudice, take a chance on joy--embrace love, whatever form it takes.

1983 - I’ll Tumble 4 Ya : Culture Club - A light-hearted song about looking for someone to fall in love with sung by Boy George, the most famous man in drag in the 1980’s.

1983 - Girls Just Wanna Have Fun : Cyndi Lauper - This song is about breaking the rules, letting go, being free and being visible. And yeah, lesbians wanna have fun.

1983 - Karma Chameleon : Culture Club - If you’re a person who doesn’t take a stand because you don’t want to offend anyone by being true to who you are, then karma is gonna get you. Boy George was in a relationship with the drummer, who wasn’t out so it had to remain secretive. Their difficult lover-professional relationship was the inspiration for many lyrics in Culture Club songs, including the line, “You’re my lover, not my rival” in “Karma Chameleon.”

1983 - Relax : Frankie goes to Hollywood - At a time when gay sexuality was still mostly illegal and therefore usually portrayed in song & media by way of clever allusions, “Relax” was a song about gay sex—and despite the video being banned by the BBC and MTV—was the biggest pop song in the world. The chorus was about delaying sexual gratification to increase pleasure ("Relax, don't do it when you want to come")

1983 - I Am What I Am : Gloria Gaynor - Gloria has taken this Broadway song and given it a disco/dance vibe. The song is about coming out of the closet and living life authentically.

1984 - I Want to Break Free : Queen - The video is a parody of the U.K. soap opera Coronation Street, which has the entire band in drag, including Freddie Mercury as a housewife while singing lyrics about wanting to break down the boundaries of acceptability. The video was banned in the U.S. 🙄

1984 – Smalltown Boy : Bronski Beat – Wanting to escape the oppressive nature of a small hometown is something many queer kids long for. The song takes the pain of rejection and makes it danceable. What else makes this song notable is it’s from an openly gay group during the peak of the AIDS crisis.

1984 - You Spin Me Round (Like a Record) : Dead or Alive - The singer is queer and singing a love song, the New Wave music is hot, and this is an iconic classic of the 1980’s

1985 - Lover Come Back to Me : Dead or Alive - The 1980’s synth, the huge hair, and a queer singer telling his lover to come back.

1985 - Living on My Own : Freddie Mercury - This video was too controversial at the time and was banned because it featured drag queens, transvestites, and other questionable people enjoying themselves at a party. The lyrics talk about being lonely & living on my own (which I don’t know if he meant it this way, but it’s a good way to describe how it feels being in the closet), but there’s got to be some good times ahead and the music matches that upbeat hope.

1985 - Sisters are Doin’ It for Themselves : Eurythmics & Aretha Franklin - It’s a feminist anthem that also has appeal as a song of lesbian empowerment

1985 - Somewhere (There’s a Place for Us) : Barbra Streisand - This song from the musical West Side Story is about love that is forbidden by society and dreaming of a place where such love is accepted, a theme queer people certainly understand.

1985 - Thank You for Being a Friend : Cynthia Fee - This song is on the list because it was the theme song for the TV show Golden Girls. When most people think of that show, they think of the 80′s fashions, cheesecake, the one-liners and showed older women as having sex drives. What the LGBTQ community remembers is that it had remarkably progressive outlooks on LGBTQ rights for its time, with nods to the AIDS crisis, coming out and even same-sex marriage. This video shows some Pride highlights from the show.

1985 - Love Me Like There’s No Tomorrow : Freddie Mercury - The lyrics are about two lovers who are forced to go their separate ways, we’re not told why, but it’s clear the singer is sad about losing his beloved. This 2019 video is two white blood cells falling in love, only to have heartbreak ensue when one of them gets HIV. This video benefits the HIV/AIDS charity organization the Mercury Phoenix Trust (MPT). MPT was founded by Queen in memory of Freddie

1986 - Nikita : Elton John - Elton John sings of his crush on a person called Nikita, an East German border guard whom he cannot meet because he is not allowed into the country. In the video, the guard is female, but the name Nikita is a male’s name.

1986 - True Colors : Cyndi Lauper - The lyrics are about seeing who someone really is and loving them for it. And it doesn’t hurt that your “true colors are beautiful like a rainbow”

1987 - I Wanna Dance with Somebody (Who Loves Me) : Whitney Houston - This is popular with the LGBTQ community. We wanna dance with somebody like us, so we go to gay clubs.

1987 - It’s a Sin : Pet Shop Boys - This song is about a person’s lifelong shame and guilt, presumably for being gay. “For everything I long to do, no matter when or where or who, has one thing in common, too. It’s a, it’s a, it’s a, it’s a sin”

1987 - Faith : George Michael - The song, about declining hookups and patiently waiting for a more meaningful connection, portrays a balancing act with which gay culture has long wrestled. “Well I need someone to hold me but I’ll wait for something more. Yes, I’ve gotta have faith” is just as meaningful today in a culture searching for love while swiping left.

1987 - So Emotional : Whitney Houston - This is a great pop song with lyrics that people can easily see themselves in. Whitney sang a lot of non-gender-specific songs, this being one of them. What we didn’t know at the time is that Whitney’s best gal pal had once been more than that, they cut out the physical part of the relationship when Whitney signed with Arista Records in 1982, but remained best friends, so there may be a reason she preferred to sing love songs without a gender. Also, as if the song isn’t iconic in its own right, I will always think of the epic lip sync performance by the drag queen Sasha Velour when I hear this song.

1987 - Always on my Mind : Pet Shop Boys - This is a remake of an Elvis song, but they dropped the references to a girl, making the gender of the person they’re singing about ambiguous.

1987 - Father Figure : George Michael - The phrase “Father Figure” represents how someone can take on a paternal role, encouraging & inspiring another person. Many queer men suffer alienation & rejection from their fathers. As one of these men begins to explore emotional intimacy with another man, the singer assures him that he’ll take on the role of loving and mentoring him, help him work through those issues.

1988 - One More Try : George Michael - The singer is calling his new lover “teacher” (maybe because he feels he has a lot to learn about love). He’s hesitant to enter a new relationship because he has been emotionally hurt by a previous one. The song concludes with a willingness for “just one more try.”

1988 - A Little Respect : Erasure - Singer Andy Bell was one of the first openly gay pop stars to actually sing about queer romance. In this song he’s calling to a lover to not leave and asks the question, “What religion or reason could drive a man to forsake his lover?”

1988 - Kissing a Fool : George Michael - George is lamenting the recent lost love of a man "who listened to people who scared [him] to death and from my heart.” The line “strange that you were strong enough to even make a start” suggests that the ex-boyfriend was in the closet or was reluctant because of the baggage & reputation that came with dating a star like George Michael. Under the homophobic scrutiny, the boyfriend was made to “feel a fool.” In the end, George is heartbroken and is the one left feeling “a fool.”

1989 - Express Yourself : Madonna - “Don’t go for second-best” just because he treats you nicely in bed, but then is emotionally distant. Stand up for yourself and what you need in a relationship. So why is this on this Pride playlist? The music video! All those muscular men.

1989 - Part of Your World : Jodi Benson - This song is from Disney’s The Little Mermaid. Ariel rejected traditional marriage partners and wants to marry a human against her father’s wishes. She dreams of being a part of the human world. For a long time the LGBTQ community has wanted to pursue romance & marriage with whom we want in a society where we could belong & be welcomed.

1990 - Vogue : Madonna - “Look around: Everywhere you turn is heartache.” That’s not exactly a fluffy opening for a dance-pop song—and that’s the point. This is still the time of America’s AIDS crisis, and this song is inspired by New York’s gay ball scene. This song wants you to put away the heavy stuff for a little while and get on the dance floor.

1990 – Groove is in the Heart : Deee-Light – A message of love and good times and the singer, Lady Miss Kier, although a woman, has a drag-queen sensibility to her colorful retro style

1990 - Freedom! ‘90 : George Michael - This song is cleverly about 2 things. One is about his career–the breakup of Wham! and then the success of his album Faith, and how he’s tired of being pushed around by his label so he’s taking control of his career and telling people to disregard the pop imagery of his past. It’s also about him wanting to come out of the closet about being gay, “There’s something deep inside of me, there’s someone else I’ve got to be.” It would be almost another ten years before he was publicly out.

1990 - Being Boring : Pet Shop Boys - “When you’re young you find inspiration in anyone who’s ever gone and opened up a closing door,” I believe this is talking about being in the closet and the hope that comes from people who’ve come out. The final verse, “Some are here and some are missing in the 1990’s,” AIDS wiped out much of a generation of gay people in the 1980’s. Now he’s grown up and out of the closet as “the creature I was always meant to be.”

1990 - Gonna Make You Sweat : C+C Music Factory - Fun dance song. In a 1997 episode of the The Simpsons, a steel mill turns into a flamboyant gay club when this song comes over the loudspeaker

1991 - Losing My Religion : R.E.M. - Lead singer Michael Stipe had several times declined to address his sexuality, so when “Losing My Religion” came out, people assumed Stipe was hinting that he is gay. “Consider this, the hint of the century. Consider this, the slip.” It stands as a classic example of queer coding in the era of “don’t-ask-don’t-tell”. The song was often interpreted as the struggle of Michael Stipe as a closeted gay man to come to terms with what religion taught about him.

1991 - I’m Too Sexy : Right Said Fred - A fun song about a guy who is full of himself, thinks he is so sexy. Richard Fairbrass, the singer of the group, came out as gay at the time of this song, which made the song seem representative of a certain narcissistic part of gay culture that centers on the gym and muscle worship

1991 - Emotion : Mariah Carey - This song displays Mariah’s crazy vocal range, is upbeat and danceable. Mariah grew up a poor, biracial young woman in the 1970s and 1980s. She had a drive to prove she is “worthy of existing,” and this has resulted in a number of songs about self empowerment, overcoming obstacles, a desire to belong, and all those things are relatable to the LGBT community.

1991 - Finally : Cece Penniston - A dance hit about falling in love. A lot of people, including queer people living in a heteronormative world, wonder if we’ll ever find true love, and can relate to the excitement & relief of the lyrics that “Finally, it has happened to me.” This song was featured in the 1994 movie The Adventures of Priscilla, Queen of the Desert, which was about two drag queens and a trans woman trekking across the Australian Outback in a tour bus they named Priscilla. The show is a positive portrayal of LGBTQ individuals.

1992 - Constant Craving : k.d. lang - She had been a country singer, but came out as gay and released this song. Every lesbian knew exactly what k.d. was craving.

1992 - Damn I Wish I Was Your Lover : Sophie B. Hawkins - The song’s lyrics are written from the perspective of a woman who is observing another woman in an abusive relationship. The singer is having a difficult time seeing her “black and blue” and dreams of rescuing this abused woman and making her happy, taking away her pain, and being physically intimate with her. Hawkins has stated that she is “omnisexual.”

1992 - Take a Chance on Me : Erasure - ABBA had a following among the gay community, and Erasure singing one of their songs helped bring ABBA back into mainstream consciousness again. Plus in the video, two members of Erasure dress in drag playing like they’re the women from ABBA.

1992 - This Used to be my Playground : Madonna - The lyrics are about losing childhood innocence and gaining responsibilities. The song came to be seen as an ode to gay friends who died during the AIDS crisis, and the loss of innocence that epidemic caused.

1992 - The Last Song : Elton John - When he learned that his son was gay, the father had “disowned” him, but upon learning his son was dying from AIDS, overcame his homophobia to spend the final moments with his son. This one makes me cry.

1992 – Deeper and Deeper : Madonna - The song talks about sexual desire, though in the gay community it’s seen as being about a young man coming to terms with being gay. “I can’t help falling in love. I fall deeper and deeper the further I go. Kisses sent from heaven above. They get sweeter and sweeter the more that I know”

1992 - Supermodel : RuPaul - RuPaul’s debut single introduced much of America to “sashay/shantay.” RuPaul used this breakthrough hit to become America’s favorite mainstream drag queen.

1993 - Bi : Living Colour - One of the very few songs (that I’m aware of) that celebrates bisexuality. The main line is “everybody loves you when you’re bi”, which is so affirming.

1993 - Somebody to Love : Queen & George Michael - At the Freddie Mercury Tribute Concert, George Michael sang this song about a man calling out to God, asking why he works so hard but can't find love. At the end of the song, he finds hope and decides he will not accept defeat. Given our smaller numbers and the process we go through to accept ourselves, queer people often work harder to find love. And here is George Michael, who became a gay icon, singing the song fabulously.

1993 - What’s Up - 4 Non Blondes - This was the first Top 40 hit by an openly lesbian group (somehow the Indigo Girls never got higher than #52). The song begins with the singer saying she’s 25 but is feeling discontent and confusion. She cries as a form of relief because she feels a little peculiar. In the morning she steps outside and yells “what’s going on?” She tries in this institution (which many think means the homophobic and sexist aspects of American) and she calls for a revolution. Since 1993, in many ways we have seen a revolution that is overturning many aspects of the homophobic restrictions that had gay people feeling stuck in an institution rather than able to fully be themselves.

1993 - Go West : Pet Shop Boys - This is a remake of the song by the Village People which imagines a utopia free of homophobia and discrimination. It’s a song of queer community & spirit, and we’ll all do it “Together!”

1993 - Come to my Window : Melissa Etheridge - Melissa came out publicly coming out as a lesbian and then released an album titled “Yes, I Am.” This song from the album is about a secret love. “Come to my window, crawl inside, wait by the light of the moon.” Certainly many gay people know about keeping a love on the down low. The song’s bridge really voices what a lot of queer people feel: “I don’t care what they think, I don’t care what they say. What do they know about this love, anyway?”

1993 - Hero : Mariah Carey - The song has a message that really speak to LGBTQ people. Inside of every person is the ability to be your own hero. looking to yourself & finding the inner courage to be strong & believe in yourself through the hard ties. ”There's a hero if you look inside your heart. You don't have to be afraid of what you are.” And it goes on to speak about casting aside your fears and surviving and finding love within yourself. Btw, in 2016 Mariah was honored by GLAAD with the Ally Award, and she gave her definition of LGBTQ--”L: legendary. G: gorgeous. B: beautiful — all of you beautiful people! T: tantalizing, and even Q for quality!"

1994 - Streets of Philadelphia : Bruce Springsteen - Bruce wrote this haunting song for the film Philadelphia, which was about a lawyer who was fired for being gay & having HIV. This song is about a man dying of AIDS. The lyrics begin with him seeing his reflection, but the disease has given him lesions & he’s lost so much weight that he doesn’t even recognize his reflection. “Oh brother, are you gonna leave me wastin’ away on the streets of Philadelphia?” This line is asking how society could turn its back on those who need help the most, even here in Philadelphia, the City of Brotherly Love. As he’s walking the streets, he is thinking of friends who had died from AIDS. He can hear the blood pulsing in his veins, and he describes it as black, because HIV/AIDS is an infection of the blood and the disease is (figuratively) black and deadly.

1995 - I Kissed a Girl : Jill Sobule - A song of yearning, confusion, and freedom

1995 - Queer : Garbage - The term “queer” in these lyrics meant odd or different, but Garbage is very open to the queer community and how we use that word.

1996 – Jesus to a Child : George Michael - The melancholy song is a tribute to Michael’s Brazilian lover Anselmo Feleppa. Feleppa died from an AIDS-related brain hemorrhage. The song’s rhythm and harmony is influenced by the Brazilian bossa nova style. Michael would always dedicate the song to Feleppa before performing it live.

1996 - Fastlove : George Michael - A guy was in a committed relationship that didn’t work out and now he just wants to not worry about love. “Had some bad love, so fast love is all that’s on my mind.” But even as he’s saying he’s seeking a casual hookup, keeps saying he misses his baby, being with someone he loves would be his preference.

1996 – Seasons of Love : Cast from the musical Rent - What is the proper way is to measure the value of a year in human life? The most effective way is to “measure in love”. Since four of the lead characters have HIV or AIDS, the song is often associated with World AIDS Day and AIDS awareness month.

1997 - Go the Distance : Michael Bolton- This song from the Disney movie Hercules is about not belonging and declaring that no matter what struggles lie ahead, I’m going to find my place in the world. That's definitely inspiring.

1997 - You Have Been Loved : George Michael - George Michael wrote this song about Anselmo Feleppa, who died of an AIDS-related illness in 1993. The beginning of the song describes Anselmo’s mother, who visits his grave. The first chorus has Anselmo’s mother saying goodbye, telling him “You have been loved.” The ending chorus has Anselmo dying, telling George, “You have been loved.” The line, “If I was weak, forgive me; but I was terrified,” refers to the trauma George felt during Anselmo’s decline in health. While an intense song about grief and death, it also involves a spiritual struggle. Anselmo and his mother both say that God is not dead, George counters by challenging God. “What’s the use in pressing palms, if you [God] won’t keep such love from harm? It’s a cruel world. You’ve so much to prove.”

1997 - Come On, Eileen : Save Ferris - This is a remake of the 1982 hit by Dexys Midnight Runners which was about getting a school girl to overcome her Catholic repression and begin a romantic (and possibly sexual) relationship. Only now a woman is singing about Eileen and that makes it a queer song.

1997 - Together Again : Janet Jackson - The album notes included: “I dedicate the song ‘Together Again’ to the friends I’ve lost to AIDS.” It’s a sweet song with hopeful words. “Everywhere I go, every smile I see, I know you are there smilin’ back at me”

1998 - Diva : Dana International - Dana is a transgender woman who won the 1998 Eurovision Song Contest. It was the first major celebration of a trans artist on an international stage. Dana’s representation of her country Israel created a furor among Israel’s Orthodox Jewish community. After her win, she addressed her detractors. “My victory proves God is on my side,” read her statement. “I want to send my critics a message of forgiveness: try to accept me. I am what I am.” She was a beacon that many LGBTQ people in Israel list as their first hope that things could get better, that it is okay to be queer.

1998 - Reflection : Christina Aguilera - This song from the Disney movie Mulan is about how others don’t know the real you, which means the lyrics can fit the experience of being in the closet. “Look at me. You may think you see who I really am, but you’ll never know me. Every day it’s as if I play a part.” The song also is adopted by a lot of trans people because how they feel on the inside doesn’t match how they look on the outside. “Who is that girl I see staring straight back at me? Why is my reflection someone I don’t know?”

1998 - Believe : Cher - Whatever happens, you’ve gotta believe there’s something better coming. Keep going and loving, because the next love will be better. It’s about strength and power and hope. And the fact that it’s not always easy to be who you are.

1998 - Outside : George Michael - George Michael was entrapped by police committing a lewd act in a public men’s bathroom in Los Angeles under suspicious circumstances. The video mocks the way queer men are held to different standards about sex--many couples were caught getting frisky, but the gay couples are the ones arrested.

1999 - Man! I Feel Like a Woman : Shania Twain - This is about going out, letting down your hair and having a good time. The message is she loves being a woman. “The best thing about being a woman is the prerogative to have a little fun.” My queer friends who identify as women love feeling like a woman.

1999 - There She Goes : Sixpence None the Richer - It’s surprising that a Christian band with a female singer does a song about being attracted to a woman who you just can’t get out of your brain. “There she goes. There she goes again. Racing through my brain. And I just can’t contain this feeling that remains.”

1999 - When She Loved Me : Sarah McLachlan - This is from Toy Story 2, if you remove the idea this is about a toy, the lyrics are about a woman reminiscing a past female love.

2000 - It’s Not Right But It’s Okay (Thunderpuss mix) : Whitney Houston - “I’m gonna be okay, I’m gonna be alright” shows a certain defiance & determination to go on, a message that strikes a chord with LGBTQ people

2000 - Stronger : Britney - This is a declaration of independence and self-empowerment. “You might think that I won't make it on my own, but now I'm stronger than yesterday.” Those are lyrics that queer people can embrace. We always can use an empowering dance song.

2001 - Androgyny : Garbage - I think this song has two messages. First, don’t dismiss people who don’t fit traditional gender roles. The other message is about trans individuals who “can’t see the point in going on,” they’re reminded that “nothing in life is set in stone, there’s nothing that can’t be turned around.” Trans individuals who were assigned female at birth may consider themselves “boys in the girls room.” Then when they decide to present themselves as male, others may consider them to be “girls in the men’s room.”

2001 - I Want Love : Elton John - This song is about a man who’s gone through some hard times, lost love, and as a result has built up some scars around his heart, but yet he wants love. Elton was mid-30′s at the time the song was released, which is a time a lot of people look at their life and want someone to settle down with, want a deeper connection with someone they can trust and have a long-lasting relationship.

2002 - Cherry Lips : Garbage - This song is inspired by a fictional trans woman. “Cherry Lips” talks about a boy looking like a girl who makes the whole world want to dance.

2002 - Beautiful : Christina Aguilera - This song affirms those who feel they don’t fit in. The video includes young people with body issues, a goth punk, a person assigned male at birth putting on women’s clothes and two guys kissing in public. “I am beautiful no matter what they say. Words can’t bring me down.” But songs can lift you up, and this one does.

2003 – Defying Gravity : Idina Menzel – In this song from the musical Wicked, the character Elphaba sings of how she wants to live without limits, going against the rules that others have set for her. Plenty of queer people can relate.

2003 - Gay Bar : Electric Six - The words are straight forward, “I wanna take you to a gay bar.” The music video is nuts, lead singer Dick Valentine portrays Abraham Lincoln in the White House getting increasingly ready for the gay bar--loses the pants, exercises, takes a bath, wears bdsm leather.

2003- If You Were Gay : Cast from the musical Avenue Q - An irreverent musical using puppets had this song between the characters that resemble Sesame Street’s Bert & Ernie. It’s about how a closeted person may have trouble accepting themselves, even if their friend is affirming. This performance of the song by the San Francisco Gay Men’s Chorus is delightful.

2003 – Me Against the Music : Britney Spears and Madonna - The music video shows Spears and Madonna playing opposites in a nightclub. A cat-and-mouse chase ensues, and Spears finds Madonna in the end, only for the latter to disappear just before they kiss.

2004 - Toxic : Britney Spears - This song is basically a girl addicted to a guy and she’ll do anything to get what she wants, and the taste of his lips is intoxicating. Idk why this became such an anthem in the LGBT community other than in the early 2000′s Britney’s presence in pop culture was dominant, and she was a supporter of the queer community, and each song she put out was more empowering, sexually playful, along with a sense of vulnerability. I think for a lot of bi & lesbian women, Britney played some part in their sexual awakening. Plus there’s a stereotype that gay people walk quickly, that’s because we have Toxic by Britney Spears (143 bpm) playing in our heads.

2004 - Amazing : George Michael - After the painful and sudden death of his beloved Anselmo, George started a new relationship with Kenny. During that time, George’s mom was fighting cancer and Kenny was there for him. To be able to comfort a person in their time of grief and come out of it closer, that’s Amazing

2004 - Proud of Your Boy : Clay Aiken - This song was written for Aladdin and the words make me think of coming out and worrying what your parents are going to think and will they still be “proud of [their] boy”? Clay came out as gay a few years later in 2008.

2005 - Hung Up : Madonna - It’s about living your best life and not wasting anymore time on men who wont call you. And it has that synthesizer riff from ABBA’s Gimme! Gimme! Gimme! (A Man After Midnight)

2006 - And I am Telling You : Jennifer Hudson - This song is about an underdog, and being LGBTQ makes us underdogs in our heteronormative society. “And I am telling you that I’m not going.” I’m going to be here and I’m going to thrive, I’m going to be me and you’re going to see me and “You’re Gonna Love Me.”

2007 - Grace Kelly : MIKA - Mika wrote the song after he felt frustrated with record label executives who wanted him to change his sound to be more like another pop singer. Mika wrote “Grace Kelly” to reject pretending be someone else to win approval – in this case the glamorous actress Grace Kelly, or he “could channel a little Freddie” Mercury. Refusing to change who you are to find acceptance is the stuff gay anthems are made of. We love Mika because he’s authentically queer and has no interest in conforming and instead is his flamboyant self

2007 - Billy Brown : MIKA - It was all going according to plan for Billy Brown: he had a wife, two kids and a dog. Then he fell in love with another man.

2007 - Sweet Dreams : MIKA - Mika covers this 1983 Eurythmics’ anthem of resilience. The Eurythmics singer Annie Lennox was seen as something of a gender bender thanks to her buzz cut & men’s suits. This song acknowledges that sometimes life is hard, some people want to use or abuse you, but “hold your head up,” and keep moving on and you’re sure to leave the nightmare for a sweet dream.

2007 - I Don’t Dance : Corbin Bleu & Lucas Grabeel - This song from High School Musical 2 is where Chad, co-president of the drama club, is trying to get Ryan, co-president of the basketball team, to “swing” to the other side, if you know what I mean. The scene in the movie is about playing baseball, and at the end of it, the two of them are sitting together wearing the other’s clothes. Guess Chad got Ryan to swing.

2008 - Talk About Love : MIKA - Super catchy chorus, he’s fallen in love and now all he wants to talk about is his new love.

2008 - Just Dance : Lady Gaga - This is Gaga’s first hit and she tells herself to just dance and everything will be okay. Whatever hard things are going on in our life, sometimes we have to take a break from them, and dance. Lady Gaga performed this at the inaugural NewNowNext Awards, which were broadcast on the Logo network in June 2008. Logo is targeted to the gay community

2008 - I Kissed a Girl : Katy Perry - Katy has a boyfriend, but she kissed a girl and liked it. Don’t pretend you don’t want to run to the nearest drugstore for some new cherry chapstick after listening to this song. This song isn’t about being bi, it’s about experimenting.

2008 - Poker Face : Lady Gaga - “Poker Face” is all about masking your sexuality. During a performance in 2009, Gaga explained that the song dealt with her personal experience with bisexuality. When she’s with a man but fantasizing about a woman, she’s got a “Poker Face” so he won’t know what is going through her mind.

2009 - Cover Girl : RuPaul - The theme song to the RuPaul’s Drag Race TV show which brought Drag performance and culture to the masses.

2009 - You Belong with Me : Taylor Swift - Not 👏 a 👏 single 👏 male 👏 pronoun 👏 in 👏 sight! The singer is pining over her close friend, who is dating a girl who doesn’t really get them. There’s nothing stopping us from reading this as a girl crushing on her gay best friend.

2009 - Bulletproof : La Roux - Everyone was asking if singer Elly Jackson was a lesbian or bi and she was vague in answering. She had a girlfriend but was worried what coming out would mean for her career. She still doesn’t like labels, she feels androgynous but more feminine than masculine, and she doesn’t call herself “gay”, “straight” or “bisexual.” However, she says "if people want to hold me up as a gay role model, absolutely, I’m proud to be that, but I don’t feel the need to say that I’m gay to do it.” The song is about a girl who has been through a lot of bad relationships and hopes that "next time maybe, I'll be bulletproof" meaning she hopes she doesn't get hurt in the next relationship she's in.

2009 - Bad Romance : Lady Gaga - First, it’s gender neutral so any of us can sing without translating pronouns. Second, it’s about loving someone completely, including their “bad” parts, “I want your ugly, i want your disease.” Third, Lady Gaga showed up to the 2010 MTV Music Awards w/ four members of the U.S. military who had been discharged or resigned because of the Don’t Ask Don’t Tell policy. When she went on stage to receive the Video of the Year award for “Bad Romance,” Gaga wore the now-infamous “meat dress,” as a way to show her anger about the military’s anti-LGBTQ policy. “If we don’t stand up for what we believe in and if we don’t fight for our rights, pretty soon we’re going to have as much rights as the meat on our bones.”

2009 - Whataya Want From Me : Adam Lambert - I wonder if this song is referencing when he was figuring out his sexuality with words like “Yeah, it’s plain to see, baby you’re beautiful and there’s nothing wrong with you. It’s me, I’m a freak.”

2010 - Cold War : Janelle Monáe - The song starts off saying “being alone's the only way to be. When you step outside, you spend life fighting for your sanity.” The chorus is how this is a cold war and knowing what you’re fighting for. Then there’s a bridge about strengthening the weak and if we unite and have faith in love then the mighty will crumble. This is followed by “I was made to believe there was something wrong with me.” So powerful. Alone we feel weak and need to hide, but united we are strong. Janelle has said this and additional songs about being the “other” can be about being a lesbian or being a gay man or being a black woman.

2010 - If I Had You : Adam Lambert - I love how the beginning sounds like Adam is going out to a gay club “So I got my boots on, got the right amount of leather, and I’m doing me up with a black color liner, and I’m working my strut.” Not the way we usually hear about a guy getting ready for a night out

2010 - Dancing on my Own : Robyn - It’s a break up song. “Somebody said you got a new friend. Does she love you better than I can?” But with a great dance beat like this, it’s a sure bet Robyn won’t be dancing on her own for long.

2010 - All the Lovers : Kylie Minogue - A feel-good dance track about love. The video has people strip down to their underwear, form a pyramid and begin kissing. All sorts of people kissing, very pansexual.

2010 - Mine : Taylor Swift - This is a song about a careless man’s careful daughter going off to college and falling in love with a small town waitress. That’s it. That’s the song.

2010 - Ice Cream Truck : Cazwell - This is something of a guilty pleasure. It’s a cute, simple and upbeat 1980’s-style hip-hop summer anthem that conveys happiness about being gay. I would describe the video as delightfully raunchy, a bunch of shirtless male dancers licking their popsicles (and a couple of butts also make an appearance)

2010 - Raise Your Glass : P!nk - The song is a call to the underdogs of the world, the “loud and nitty-gritty dirty little freaks,” to ignore convention and just let loose. Lyrics like these are so relatable: “So raise your glass if you are wrong in all the right ways, all my underdogs.” Plus, the video has her singing at a gay wedding.

2010 - We R Who We R : Ke$ha - After a news story that bullying led to multiple suicides of gay youth, Ke$ha wrote this song in hopes that it would become a Pride anthem. The song is intended to inspire people to be themselves, and as a celebration of anyone deemed quirky or eccentric. Kesha was upset people have to hide themselves and pretend to be someone other than who they are in order to be safe.

2010 - Firework : Katy Perry - Everyone is a firework–an ordinary, ugly, or insignificant wrapping but in the right situation, they ignite and show how amazing, extraordinary, and beautiful each of us is. No wonder it’s loved by the queer community, once we come out, others see we’re bright and beautiful. The video features a scene in which two boys passionately kiss. And the lyrics “after the hurricane comes a rainbow” fits because rainbows are tied to the LGBTQ community. Katy Perry dedicated this song to the “It Gets Better” video campaign aimed at gay youth who may feel alone or suicidal.

2010 - Teenage Dream : Glee Cast - This song being sung by one boy for another was a big moment on a big TV show.

2010 - F**kin’ Perfect : P!nk - With all the negative messages we grow up hearing about our gender identity or sexual orientation, it’s so affirming to hear “Don’t you ever ever feel like your less than, less than perfect”

2011 - Born This Way : Lady Gaga - Many songs hint at queer identities and acceptance by using metaphors, but not this one, it is direct. “No matter gay, straight, or bi, lesbian, transgender life, I’m on the right track, baby, I was born to survive.”

2011 – Mean : Taylor Swift – This is an anti-bullying public service announcement. Even more than others, Queer kids are subject to bullying, so a song addressing the topic resonates. And then there’s a lyric about moving to the big city, which for us can be understood as a place where it’s safe to be gay. “Someday I’ll be living in a big old city, and all you’re ever going to be is mean.”

2011 - Americano : Lady Gaga - This song is about the unjust laws that exist in America, particularly regarding immigration and gay rights. The scenario is she falls in love with a girl from East L.A. (heavily Hispanic population) but can’t marry due to the laws prohibiting gay marriage. As to the “I don’t speak your Americano, I don’t speak your language oh no, I don’t speak your Jesus Cristo” I think it’s rejecting the religious rhetoric used to justify the laws.

2011 – Call Me Maybe : Carly Rae Jepsen - The video begins with Carly Rae spying on her attractive neighbor as he is working on his lawn. She tries to get his attention with various provocative poses only for her neighbor to give his phone number to Carly Rae’s male band mate

2011 - We Found Love : Rihanna - Finding love in a hopeless place, for many queer people this can be what it’s like in a heteronormative society, or when we’re in the closet and find someone. Or also that hard transition to accept & love yourself, and then going from that to hoping to find someone.

2011 - Take a Bow : Matt Alber - A beautiful, heartfelt cover of the 1994 Madonna song with just a guitar for accompaniment. With an openly gay man singing the words, it transforms this into a gay love song.

2011 – Titanium : David Guetta feat. Sia – The openly queer singer Sia wrote this song about enduring everything the world throws at you and coming out stronger

2012 - Starships : Nikki Minaj - The lyric "starships are meant to fly," is a line about reaching one's full potential in life. A great song to sing when needing motivation to just go for it and not let other people’s ideas or judgements box you in. Nikki has been an ally to the queer community. On MTV she encouraged her gay fans to be fighters and to be brave, and she canceled a concert in Saudi Arabia to show support for women and LGBT+ people in the country.

2012 – Thinkin About You : Frank Ocean – Just before this song was released, Frank Ocean came out. There haven’t been many hip-hop stars who are openly gay. And it got me wondering who it is he’s been thinking about?

2012 - Same Love : Macklemore & Ryan Lewis - I have a nephew who got called gay for wearing stylish clothes, being neat, and interested in art & music. He had a hard time accepting that his uncle (me) is gay because of his experience, and it made me think of this song.

2012 - I Wanna Dance with Somebody (Who Loves Me) : Matt Alber - A gay man singing the big Whitney Houston hit about wanting to dance with someone.

2012 - Wings : Little Mix - Little Mix is a British girl band well-known for being LGBTQ Allies and including LGBTQ themes in their songs. Wings is about believing in yourself and not letting anyone put you down, a message that resonates with their LGBTQ fans.

2012 - Let’s have a Kiki : Scissor Sisters - A drag performer is heading out to put on a show, but when she arrives at the club it’s been shut down by the police. So she calls up a friend and announces “We’re coming over and having a kiki.”

2012 - Closer : Tegan and Sara - Not many bands are made up of twin lesbian sisters. This song is really cute. The lyrics are about the anticipation before the kiss, before anything gets physical.

2012 - For All : Far East Movement - As the fight for marriage equality was taking place, this group sang “Love is for all. Life is for all. Dreams are for all. Hope is for all. Feel the love from everybody in the crowd now, this is for y’all, this is for all.” The video intersperses some uplifting words from President Obama.

2012 - They Don’t Know About Us : One Direction - People tell a couple they shouldn’t be together and that their love isn’t real. Sound like something a queer couple might hear? In the song, no one can stop them, they’re together for life. Also, people thought this song might have been hinting about Larry Stylinson (Louis & Harry).

2012 – Somebody Loves You : Betty Who - The song keeps saying “somebody loves you,” and that somebody is the person singing the song. Most people discovered this song from a viral video of a gay marriage proposal at a Salt Lake City Home Depot

2013 - Lay Me Down : Sam Smith - A melancholy song with a video to match of a husband being buried and Sam saying to also Lay Me Down. But then Sam reminisces about a happier, more blissful time–their gay wedding that was held at the same church.

2013 - People Like Us : Kelly Clarkson - the song is about all the people who are brave enough to challenge the social norms to bring about change in the world. These words in particular strike me, “this is the life that we choose” and “come out, come out if you dare.”

2013 - Popular Song : MIKA feat. Ariana Grande - This is an imaginative updating of the song “Popular” from the musical Wicked. The lyrics are about how being popular and cool in school isn’t enough, and those who bullied others grow up to not be so popular. In other words, the tables will turn, you’ll need more to be successful than being popular.

2013 - Brave : Sara Bareilles - Sara wrote this song of courage as a love letter to a friend who was struggling as an adult to come out as gay.

2013 - Q.U.E.E.N. : Janelle Monáe - The title is an acronym for Queer, Untouchables, Emigrants, Excommunicated, and Negroid. The song is about the empowerment of oppressed people. Monáe uses a question-answer format to explain stereotypes, misconceptions, and oppression.

2013 - Cameron : Jilette Johnson - The song is inspired by a real life Cameron the singer knew & loved. Cameron is a young gender-non-conforming person who isn’t accepted by their family or society. The singer repeats, over and over, that Cameron isn’t the alien the world thinks they are – “Cameron, you’re a star, a light where there is dark. And you’re a hundred times a woman, a hundred times the man that they are.”

2013 - All Night : Icona Pop - The song is about expressing yourself, and that life gets better and we will find ourselves dancing. The video is about the LGBT house ballroom subculture.

2013 - She Keeps Me Warm : Mary Lambert - A beautiful song about how women can love each other, protect each other and desire each other. And the lyrics “not crying on Sundays,” I think means not believing the damning words preached by religion about being gay

2013 – Take Me to Church : Hozier - This is a ode to worshiping in the bedroom. Hozier is an outspoken LGBTQ ally and the music video depicts two gay men being ripped apart by homophobic violence in Russia. It brought international attention to the anti-gay laws in Russia.

2013 - Work Bitch : Britney Spears - The things you want in life are attainable but you gotta focus and work. Britney wrote this song with her gay friends in mind. “I don’t call everyone… that word. I just use it as, it’s like in respect to the gays as a term of endearment.”

2013 - Girls/Girls/Boys : Panic! At the Disco - There is a love triangle between a boy and two girls, and the boy is being played off against a girl for the other girl’s attention. Pansexual rock star Brendon Urie sings “Girls love girls and boys. Love is not a choice.”

2013 - Follow Your Arrow : Kacey Musgraves - “kiss lots of boys – or kiss lots of girls, if that’s something you’re into.” It's sad that a one-liner about kissing whoever you like is still controversial in Country music today, but I love her poking holes in that genre’s homophobia.

2013 - Let It Go : Idina Menzel - From the movie Frozen, this song says to abandon the fear and shame, be yourself, be powerful. The lyrics could almost come from an It Gets Better video about embracing who you are. And these lines are how it feels after some time has passed and we look back at our coming out experience: “It’s funny how some distance makes everything seem small. And the fears that once controlled me, can’t get to me at all”

2014 - Sleeping with a Friend : Neon Trees - Glenn Tyler says he was thinking of a straight male friend when he wrote this (but used female pronouns in the song). It’s an unusual love song because it’s a cautionary tale of hooking up with someone you’re close with.

2014 - Rise Like a Phoenix - Conchita Wurst - The lyrics are about combating prejudice and the judgement of others in modern society. Conchita won Eurovision singing this song while wearing a gown, makeup and a beard.

2014 – Stay With Me : Sam Smith – One night Sam fell for someone, but they didn't feel the same. Good ol’ unrequited love. Sam used this music video to come out as gay by admitting the person being sung about is a man.

2014 - Sissy that Walk : RuPaul - A perfect walkway song for all those drag queens, and any of the rest of us, who want to strut what we got

2014 - Really Don’t Care : Demi Levato - The video starts off with Lovato expressing her support for the LGBTQ community and saying that “My Jesus loves all.” The music starts and Levato is singing at a Pride parade. Demi said “When I thought of the lyrics ‘really don’t care’, it made me think of bullying, and made me think of the LGBTQ community, who deal with that so often, but they accept themselves.”

2014 - Break Free : Ariana Grande feat. Zedd - Ariana’s older brother is gay and she grew up around his friends, she’s an ally. And the words of this song, “I’m stronger than I’ve been before. This is the part when I break free ’cause I can’t resist it no more” has the theme often found in gay anthems--that things are tough, but I’m tougher and going to make it. Breaking free of what the world wants you to be to become who you truly are has made this song a coming-out anthem.

2014 - Secrets : Mary Lambert - We grow up hiding things about ourselves, we all have secrets, but how much better when we don’t care if the world knows our secrets. “They tell us from the time we’re young to hide the things that we don’t like about ourselves inside ourselves. I know I’m not the only one who spent so long attempting to be someone else. Well I’m over it”

2014 - Feeling Good : George Michael - This is the final song released by George before his death. It expresses a particular kind of joy which comes with liberation from oppression. Nina Simone’s stunning vocal performance of this song in the 1960’s during the Civil Rights movement made it a manifesto of that movement’s burning desire for freedom. And then here is George Michael, a gay man, and the song is born again as a desire for the queer community to be liberated from oppression.

2014 - Centuries : Fall Out Boy - Peter Wentz, one of the co-writers of this song, says the idea is a “David vs.Goliath story” meant to empower people who are a little weird. Justin Tranter, another of the co-writers, revealed in 2018 that trans pioneer Marsha P. Johnson was the inspiration for the song. When making the announcement, Tranter said, “I want every LGBTQ person to know that our ideas are mainstream. We have stories to tell and people will f*cking listen”

2014 - Put ‘Em Up : Priory - The song begins with a religious mom saying her trans kid has some kind of sickness. The mom may not be happy, but “we're hangin' with the boys that look like girls tonight” and “we're hangin' with the girls that look like boys alright”. The video features trans & gay people.

2014 - Jessie’s Girl : Mary Lambert - This is a remake of the 1981 hit song by Rick Springfield, but now it’s a woman longing for Jessie’s girl.

2014 - First Time He Kissed a Boy : Kadie Elder - This is about recognizing your sexual orientation at a young age and the difficulties that can follow. Being a teen isn’t easy and the choices teens have to make aren’t easy, but if you are brave enough and stand up for yourself, you might shock others but you might also become happy. It has a gay-positive video that tells the story in a touching way.

2014 - Welcome to New York : Taylor Swift - An insecure girl falls in love with a city where you can want who you want. “When we first dropped our bags on apartment floors, took our broken hearts, put them in a drawer. Everybody here was someone else before, and you can want who you want: boys and boys and girls and girls”

2014 - Little Game : Benny - Many people may know Benny from his YouTube channel. Little Games is about the ways in which rigid concepts of gender still dictate our behavior today. I think the creepy and catchy melody & video are a good match for the lyrics “play our little game"

2015 - All-American Boy : Steve Grand - A Country song that tells the story of a gay young man in love with a straight male friend.

2015 - Don’t Wait : Joey Graceffa - Joey is a well-known YouTube personality and with this song he came out. The song says to not wait for the world to get ready but to go explore and find what you’re looking for. The video is the adorable queer fairy tale we’ve all been waiting for. I love these lyrics, “The darkness can be such a lonely place on your own, I’ll be your compass so you’ll never feel alone.”

2015 - Calling Me : Aquilo - Growing up, we all grapple with who we are and who we want to become. We all go through a period of being unsure of our personality, creativity and perhaps even our sexuality. We have to battle to not be defined by what others think of us, but to believe in ourselves. It’s a battle we’ve all had to fight. In the video, the singer learns to stay strong, keep his head high and accept who he is, even if others can’t.

2015 - Good Guys : MIKA - Mika plays off the 1997 Paula Cole hit “Where Have all the Cowboys Gone” but instead asks “Where have all the gay guys gone?“ Mika shifts “gay guys” to “good guys” and lists his queer heroes who helped him get to where he is, while also looking forward to what the future holds for the LGBTQ community.

2015 - Body was Made : Ezra Furman - Ezra says this “is a protest song against the people and forces that would make me ashamed of my body, my gender and my sexuality.” This song’s message is taking ownership of your own body and identity, and not letting anybody else interfere with that. Furman identifies as trans and bisexual, and uses he/him and she/her pronouns

2015 - No Place in Heaven : MIKA - He’s singing about how there’s no place in heaven for gay people. “Father, won’t you forgive me for my sins? Father, if there’s a heaven let me in”

2015 - Girls Like Girls : Hayley Kiyoko - This was Hayley’s unofficial coming out as a lesbian and in this song she sings that “Girls like girls like boys do, nothing new” The video has some images of violence as a boy is angry that his girlfriend likes girls, but in the end the lesbians win.

2015 - Cool for the Summer : Demi Levato - She is curious and has a woman she’s gonna spend the summer exploring with. “Got a taste for the cherry and I just need to take a bite.”

2015 – Run Away with Me : Carly Rae Jepson - Carly Rae sings about getting away with someone for the weekend. Whether it’s just that your schedules have kept you busy or you have to keep this secret (“I’ll be your sinner in secret”), it’s very romantic. Oh, and lack of gendered pronouns makes it even more relatable to the queer community.

2015 - Alive : Sia - The song is about someone who had a tough life, but says “I’m still breathing, I’m alive.” It is the personification of resilience and perseverance.

2015 - Youth : Troye Sivan - It’s a really beautiful song about giving the best years of yourself to someone you love. The video features gay couples.

2015 - Genghis Khan : Mike Snow - This video surprised me the first time I saw it. A James Bond-type hero & villain fall for each other.

2016 - Unstoppable : Sia - Instead of just surviving, Sia is going to prove to people that she’s going to succeed. And like her, this song helps us put our armor on so we also feel strong and get through the day and smash through barricades.

2016 - Secret Love Song : Little Mix - Secret Love Song could be heard as being about the struggles faced by LGBTQ people when coming to terms with their sexuality and showing affection in public. I especially like the Secret Love Song, Part II version as the video makes clear the LGBTQ meaning.

2016 – Formation : Beyoncé – At the GLAAAD Media Awards, Beyoncé used the lyrics from this Black-power anthem to advocate for gay rights when she said “LGBTQIA rights are human rights. To choose who you love is your human right. How you identify and see yourself is your human right. Who you make love to and take that ass to Red Lobster is your human right,”

2016 - Son of a Preacher Man : Tom Goss - This 1968 song gets a surprising gay update. The video tells the story of two gay teens struggling to understand their sexuality and feelings for one another while operating within the confines of an evangelical church.

2016 - Boyfriend : Tegan and Sara - This song tells the exhausting story of someone you’re basically dating, but they won’t come out in the open and admit it because they’re scared, confused, and insecure about their sexuality. “I don’t wanna be your secret anymore.”

2016 - I Am What I Am : Ginger Minj - This song is from a Broadway show about drag queens. The message is you only get one life so take your shots, whether or not they succeed, it’s better to live your life authentically as who you are. And I love this video featuring Drag Queens from RuPaul’s Drag Race.

2016 - The Greatest : Sia - Dedicated to the LGBTQ community in the wake of the Pulse shooting, Sia begs us to not give up and to still follow our dreams. The video features 49 dancers, one for each victim of the shooting. The song celebrates the spirit of being defiant and trying to be the best you can be in the face of adversity, which is something the LGBTQ community have managed to do for many decades. Yet despite the uplifting, catchy music and lyrics, there’s also a sense of tragedy about how that spirit and potential came to an abrupt end for the victims of the shooting.

2016 - G.D.M.M.L. Grls : Tyler Glenn - Despite the best efforts by this gay man to make church work, it didn’t work out because God Didn’t Make Me Like Girls.

2016 - Heaven : Troye Sivan feat. Betty Who - Troye sings candidly about what it’s like for a religious teenager to come out as gay. “Without losing a piece of me, how do I get to heaven? Without changing a part of me, how do I get to heaven? All my time is wasted, feeling like my heart’s mistaken, oh, so if I’m losing a piece of me, maybe I don’t want heaven?” Troye explains “When I first started to realise that I might be gay, I had to ask myself all these questions—these really really terrifying questions. Am I ever going to find someone? Am I ever going to be able to have a family? If there is a God, does that God hate? If there is a heaven, am I ever going to make it to heaven?” The video features footage from LGBTQ protests throughout history.

2016 - Devil : Tyler Glenn - A song that highlights the conflict between religious belief and queerness. “I found myself when I lost my faith” and not being able to “pray the gay away.” The constant in his world, what he’s anchoring himself to, is that his mom still loves him, and I love that because studies show the acceptance & love of a parent makes a huge difference when someone comes out.

2016 - Midnight : Tyler Glenn - The Neon Trees frontman gives an emotional song about his departure from the Mormon church, but not from God. The ballad is accompanied by a video that shows Glenn removing his religious garments and replacing them with a glittering jacket.

2016 – I Know a Place : MUNA – This is a song of safety & nonviolence, which is important to the LGBTQ community as there’s many times we don’t feel safe being open about who we are and who we love. All three members of MUNA are queer. This song came out around the time of the Pulse nightclub shooting in Orlando which shattered that feeling of safety people thought they had in queer bars, clubs and spaces where we don’t have to hide who we are and should be free to be ourselves.

2016 - Boys Will Be Boys : Benny - The phrase “Boys will be boys” is typically used to excuse toxic masculinity, but this song turns it on its head. Benny wants “boys will be boys” to mean each person is different and doesn’t need to follow specific gender roles. Whatever a boy is, that’s what a boy will be.

2017 - Believer : Imagine Dragons - The adversity you come across in life is what helps you grow to become a “believer” in yourself. "Oh let the bullets fly, oh let them rain / My life, my love, my drive, it came from / Pain / You made me a, you made me a believer, believer." This song was being written around the time of the election of Donald Trump, and one of the co-writers, Justin Tranter, expressed fear about the future. This song is the result--speak our truth no matter what comes our way.

2017 - You Will Be Found : Ben Platt - This song from Dear Evan Hansen means a lot to me. There’s a gay teen who says this is our song because I found him when he most needed help. But for everyone, this song is hopeful that when you need it, someone will be there for you.

2017 - Symphony : Clean Bandit - As a musician, I really like the imagery of the lyrics--Before all I heard was silence by now with you I’m hearing symphonies, “And now your song is on repeat, and I’m dancin’ on to your heartbeat. And when you’re gone, I feel incomplete.” The video shows a loving queer black couple torn apart by catastrophe and a reminder that music & art are a way for us to deal with grief and celebrate our loved ones.

2017 - 1-800-273-8255 : Logic - This is a song about a closeted guy who is suicidal and calls a help line. The operator wants him to be alive and helps save him in that moment.

2017 - Bad Liar : Selena Gomez - The video portrays a love triangle (with each character played by Selena)–a curious high school student, seductive gym coach and a male teacher. Towards the end of the video, the high school student sings the line, “With my feelings on fire, guess I’m a bad liar,” as she looks at a photo of the gym teacher. It’s a scene that shows the fear & bravery of acknowledging and declaring our sexuality—a moment many queer people know

2017 - Love is Love is Love : LeeAnn Rimes - This song celebrates the LGBTQ community. Rimes said that “A ‘Pride’ celebration is a living thing. It is breathing authenticity. It’s a space we hold for one another, a place to come into what our souls move us to be, it’s a place in love and only love,” adding “That’s why the LGBTQ community continues to inspire me and enliven my spirit every time I perform for them.”

2017 - Swish Swish : Katy Perry - A song about fighting against bullies, “Swish Swish” uses basketball metaphors to talk about overcoming hateful people and thriving. That’s a theme that LGBTQ+ people can identify with.

2017 - If They Only Knew : Alfie Arcuri - The song is of a previous relationship where Arcuri’s ex-partner’s parents didn’t know he was gay. Arcuri explained “We were together for a couple of years and half way through the relationship he came out. The song is almost like a diary entry for me telling his parents how innocent our love and relationship was because to them I was like the devil who turned their son gay. It wasn’t like that at all though, it was a beautiful love.” The video is a short film that shows one guy in the closet and his friend helping him see it’s okay to be gay.

2017 - Power : Little Mix - Willam, Alaska and Courtney Act from RuPaul’s Drag Race are featured in this video. The song is about gender politics in a relationship.

2017 - Cut to the Feeling : Carly Rae Jepson - This is a song about liking someone and wanting to skip past all the awkward introductions and just get to the feelings where they’re being real with each other, dancing together and celebrating love. That already works as a queer song, and then add to it this viral video by Mark Kanemura. When she played at a Pride celebration, Carly Rae had Mark reenact his dance to the song

2017 - The Village : Wrabel - Just because transphobia is common, it doesn’t mean it is right or that you are wrong. There’s a line in the song that hits me hard, “One line in the Bible isn’t worth a life.” And the video is beautiful, very poignant and it breaks my heart and gives me hope.

2017 - Heaven : State of Sound - A remake of the 1984 Bryan Adams song which was a standard love song of a boy and a girl. However, there were no gendered pronouns in the song and State of Sound’s video shows it works just as well for all sorts of queer couples

2017 - Bad at Love : Halsey - Halsey flips through all the guys and girls she’s dated in an attempt to understand why she hasn’t yet found love. Queen of bisexual relatability!

2017 - Feelings : Hayley Kiyoko - This song is about having a crush on someone. The video has Hayley chasing after a girl

2017 - This is Me : Keala Settle - The song from The Greatest Showman sings of resilience in the face of hardship — which, after all, is what Pride is all about. “Another round of bullets hits my skin. Well, fire away ’cause today, I won’t let the shame sink in”

2017 - HIM : Sam Smith - This is a song about a boy in Mississippi coming out and the conflict between his sexuality and his religious upbringing and how he is grappling with the feeling that there’s no place in religion for him because he’s gay. And the “Him” being sung is used both for God and for a boy he likes.

2017 - A Million Dreams : P!nk - this song from The Greatest Showman is about the power of positive thinking, faith and believing in your dreams. For queer people, it’s a reminder that we are building a better world.

2017 - This is Me : Kesha - A great cover of the song from The Greatest Showman.

2018 - My My My! : Troye Sivan - Troye said “'My My My!’ is a song of liberation, freedom, and love. “Throw all inhibition to the wind, be present in your body, love wholeheartedly, move the way you’ve always wanted to, and dance the way you feel”

2018 - Curious : Hayley Kiyoko - “Curious” is a term used in the LGBTQ community to express same-sex experimentation. In the song Hayley uses it to ask, “I’m just curious, is it serious?” Hayley says she wrote the song about a past relationship with a closeted woman, as well as various romantic experiences with women who were unsure about their sexuality

2018 - Perfect : Alex G - This cover of the Ed Sheeran song is beautiful. And because Alex doesn’t change the pronouns, it’s a very sweet lesbian love song.

2018 - Only You : Cheat Codes & Little Mix - A video with a lesbian mermaid? Yes, please!

2018 - Make Me Feel : Janelle Monáe - Sexuality is simply how a person makes you feel, regardless of gender. The music video for ”Make Me Feel” features Janelle crawling between women’s legs and grinding up on both a male and female love interest under bisexual lighting.

2018 - Sanctify : Years & Years - This song is about a relationship the singer had with a straight man. “On the one hand, the guy is struggling with his sexuality and feeling unable to express himself as anything other than straight while also desiring me. I’m on the other side feeling like both a sinner and saint or a devil and angel, leading this guy down a path of ‘sinfulness’ while, at the same time, helping him explore his sexuality.“

2018 - Kiss the Boy : Keiynan Lonsdale - While he doesn’t ascribe to a specific label in terms of his sexuality, Keiynan is openly attracted to both genders – and in Love, Simon, he played the enigmatic Blue, love interest of Simon. The video is adorable & super-inclusive

2018 - Never Been In Love : Will Jay - It’s such a great bop and I have loved Will Jay since his IM5 days, and this seems perfect for my ace/aro friends. “I’m not missing out so don’t ask me again. Thanks for your concern, but here’s the thing, I’ve never been in love and it’s all good”

2018 - PYNK : Janelle Monáe - Monáe says the color pink “unites all of humanity” because it is the color “found in the deepest and darkest nooks and crannies of humans everywhere.” The video finds Monáe and Tessa Thompson (her girlfriend at the time) along with a group of other women dancing in a desert, having a slumber party and sitting out by a pool while expressing appreciation for the vagina, including some iconic pussy pants. Truly a testament to the power of pink.

2018 - High Hopes : Panic! At the Disco - Brendon Urie says the uplifting message of “High Hopes” is “No matter how hard your dreams seem, keep going.” The lyrics say “It's uphill for oddities,” which is how it can feel being queer in a heteronormative world, but “don't give up, it's a little complicated.” It’s complicated but doable. Urie created the Highest Hopes Foundation, an organization that assists nonprofit organizations in human rights efforts across the globe. “I want to join in on the fight for those who cannot fight for themselves. This is dedicated to all people and communities who are subject to discrimination or abuse on the basis of gender, race, religion, sexual orientation and gender identity.” The foundation donated $1 million dollars to Gay, Lesbian & Straight Education Network (GLSEN) to establish Gay-Straight Alliance clubs at high schools across the United States.

2018 - All Things : Betty Who - This is the theme song for the wildly popular Netflix show Queer Eye.

2018 - Dance to This : Troye Sivan (feat. Ariana Grande) - According to Sivan, the song is about “that moment when you feel like you’ve been to enough house parties or events, and staying home, making out in the kitchen and cooking dinner sounds like a much, much better alternative”

2018 – Boys : Lizzo – Lizzo sings a song about all the boys she loves, and plenty of gay boys sing along and cheer when reaching the lyrics “From the playboys to the gay boys. Go and slay, boys, you my fave boys”

2018 - Promises : Calvin Harris, Sam Smith - The music video is a glittery homage to vogueing and drag ballroom culture.

2018 - Bloom : Troye Sivan - Our first mainstream pop song about bottoming. This song is a thinly veiled description of Troye losing his virginity “I bloom, I bloom, just for you.” Or maybe it’s just about flowers.

2018 - No Matter What : Calum Scott - This is a lovely song about a son coming out to his mom and her responding that she loves him no matter what. “I just want you to be happy and always be who you are.” She wrapped her arms around me, said, "Don’t try to be what you’re not ‘cause I love you no matter what”

2018 - Old Town Road : Lil Nas X ft. Billy Ray Cyrus - Lil Nas had the biggest hit song ever and came out as gay, and now his choice in cowboy apparel makes sense

2019 - Juice : Lizzo - Lizzo’s message of radical self-love that celebrates the beauty of being different has earned her a huge queer following. Her work is inspired by the difficulty she felt growing up in a world that told her that she did not fit in. She now spreads a message of acceptance and love. “Juice,” is upbeat and fun, full of confidence-boosting lyrics. She made a video for “Juice,” featuring Drag Race alumni.

2019 - Rainbow : Kacey Musgrave - The song is about hope that the bad times will one day be over. Musgraves hopes it will serve as an anthem for those facing adversity, particularly in the LGBTQ community. “I feel a kinship and a friendship with that community. They really opened my eyes up to a lot of different things that I wasn’t aware of growing up in a small town in Texas. I will always be an ally and a strong supporter. ‘Rainbow’ is something that I can dedicate to that community, but also to anyone who has any kind of a weight on their shoulders."

2019 - ME! : Taylor Swift (feat. Brandon Urie) - This is a campy, bubbly song about embracing one’s individuality. "I’m the only one of me and that’s the fun of me.”

2019 - Nails, Hair, Hips, Heels : Todrick Hall - A fun song and video about being who you are and using that to strut and slay

2019 - Love Yourself : Sufjan Stevens - The lyrics are asking us to love ourselves and to show the reasons we believe in ourselves. I especially like this imagery “Make a shelf. Put all the things on that you believe in.” This song was specifically released for Pride month.

2019 - You Need to Calm Down : Taylor Swift - an entire verse that’s literally about going to a Pride parade. The video features a large number of celebrity cameos, many of whom are LGBTQ, including Queer Eye's Fab Five, figure skater Adam Rippon, singer Adam Lambert, television personality Ellen DeGeneres, entertainers Billy Porter and RuPaul, and numerous Drag Queens from RuPaul's Drag Race who in the video impersonate famous women.

2019 - Higher Love : Kygo & Whitney Houston - Whitney recorded a cover of the Steve Winwood song “Higher Love,” but only released it in Japan. The Houston estate selected the DJ Kygo to remix Whitney’s version of the song. Kygo embued it with all the EDM sounds you’d expect from a 2019 dance song and debuted the song at Pride in New York City

2019 - American Boy : Years & Years - A cover of the Kanye & Estelle song, sung by Olly Alexander, a gay man, who is the lead singer for the band Years & Years. With Olly singing, this makes the song about one guy crushing on another guy

2019 - Tiny Love : MIKA - Mika said that he wanted to capture the idea that love can feel enormous, "yet at the same time it’s so tiny and imperceivable to others.” True love is not “a sunrise over canyons shaped like hearts,” or “bursting into song in Central Park.” Rather, it’s “a ‘still-there-Monday-morning’ kind of love.”

2019 - I Rise : Madonna - This song was made specifically to honor the 50th anniversary of the Stonewall riots, and to inspire marginalized people to stand up and fight. It is about resilience, of surviving and rising up from adversity. The video includes footage of Parkland H.S. shooting survivors, LGBTQ supporters, women’s rights protesters, Olympic gymnast Aly Raisman’s testimony about sexual abuse and other social justice movements

2019 - I Feel Love : Sam Smith - Sam remakes the 1977 classic from Donna Summer, a song about loving your body and your desires. The high notes on this song are so exciting

2019 - Show Yourself : Idina Menzel, Evan Rachel Wood - This song from Frozen 2 is about Elsa being ready to be vulnerable and bare her soul. This song has been adopted by the queer community as a coming out anthem.

2019 - Believe : Adam Lambert - A remake of the 1998 song by Cher that is embraced by many LGBTQ people, and it’s absolutely gorgeous

2020 - I’m Ready (with Demi Lovato) : Sam Smith - The song is about being ready for a new love. The video is basically the Glam Olympics

#PRIDE playlist

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wholesome-revelry · 5 years

Text

fic: “Long-Term,” Aziraphale/Crowley, outsider POV | 1.6K, G

(Nominally a sequel to this)

Officiating weddings has got to be one of Dr. Blackwell’s favorite parts of ministry, and although she’s probably not supposed to have preferences, if she looks deep into her jaded lesbian heart with any degree of honesty, queer weddings are by far the best.

Take, for instance, the couple she’s consulting with this afternoon, for their upcoming October ceremony. Seemingly mismatched in every respect. The plump, fair-haired one looks like a parody of an absent-minded professor, as sketched by someone who didn’t bother to do much actual research; his clothes are so outdated it teeters on costume. He’s wearing a bowtie, and not in that reinvented hipster way. This is a bowtie unacquainted with the cycles of fashion, a bowtie that has never heard the word irony.

His partner is a rangy, black-clad ginger in snakeskin boots. He has the look of a hungover rocker about him, and would somehow, even without the sunglasses he has fully committed to wearing indoors on a cloudy afternoon. He’s sprawled almost defiantly in his chair and keeps throwing dubious glances around Dr. Blackwell’s office, as though expecting a lightning bolt to strike him down for merely daring to be within spitting distance of a church.

Everything about his posture screams ‘Extremely complicated feelings about religion ahoy!’

Ex-Catholic, Dr. Blackwell thinks sagely.

Something funny about their names, too. Their names are--

They’re--

(She knows they both gave her their names, but as she looks at their faces, there is a curiously name-shaped hole where the sounds should go. Every time she approaches the edges of this thought, it ripples and changes shapes, and whispers, ‘Don’t worry now, it’s really of no consequence, is it?’

Dr. Blackwell didn’t get a degree in Unitarian Universalist theology by looking away from paradoxes. ‘Curiosity is earthly and holy and wonderful,’ she tries to tell the thought, pushing forward, ‘even to question truly is an answer--’

‘Ah yes,’ the thought says after her third attempt, ‘very nice, but in this particular case--’ and the absence where their names should be yawns, stretches, and swallows down all of her related concerns with a shrug.)

She blinks. She watches as Bowtie casually takes Sunglasses’ hand, as Sunglasses responds with a look so gooey and sweet and private that she feels a bit weird for intruding. How, she thinks, the fuck did you two meet?

The only thing they seem to have in common, beyond their feelings for each other, is a certain aura of personal disaster. Still, let she whose outfit doesn’t heavily feature Birkenstocks and cat hair throw the first stone. So to speak.

“So,” says Dr. Blackwell, “anything in particular I should know first? Any thoughts, or concerns?”

“The hymns,” says Bowtie, “or. Uh. The songs, I suppose?” He coughs. “Any chance we could stick with ones that don’t, you know, prominently feature--?” He pointedly casts his eyes towards the ceiling and almost seems to mutter, “No point in asking for trouble.”

“Oh, of course,” she says, shaking off the flash of weirdness like an errant cobweb. “We have plenty of non-denominational hymns.”

“About what,” Sunglasses says with a slight sneer. “Tax forms? Penguins? Automotive repair?”

Oof. Definitely an ex-Catholic, she thinks. You can smell the baggage from here.

“Mostly about the inherent holiness in doing good, or the beauty of nature?” says Dr. Blackwell. “Sometimes, someone will sort of retrofit a classical melody to Transcendentalist poetry, but those tend not to scan so well, in my opinion.”

Somehow, without any eye contact, Sunglasses manages to give her a wary look.

“You can borrow a hymnal if you’d like,” she continues. “We tend to edit out the G-word anyway. Makes the atheists and the agnostics a bit jumpy, me included.” Bowtie starts.

“You don’t,” says Sunglasses, “believe in--?”

“Not really,” says Dr. Blackwell. “Suppose I’ll allow for the possibility, but in my mind, the existence of some divine Heavenly will is just not as important as other questions. Like ‘How do I do what’s right for the planet and everything on it?’”

“How do I avert the apocalypse,” Sunglasses murmurs.

“Exactly,” she says with a laugh, “although I’d settle for doing something about Brexit.”

Neither of them laugh, and after an awkward pause, she adds,

“As far as music goes, for the ceremony. If you’ve got a song that really resonates with you, no matter what it is, let me know and we can work that in.”

“No Queen,” says Sunglasses immediately.

It feels like there should be a story here, but Bowtie only turns to him and says, “What was that band you liked? Velveteen--”

“We’re not playing Velvet Underground at our wedding,” Sunglasses says.

“Same thing goes for readings, too,” says Dr. Blackwell. “If there’s a text that holds special meaning--”

“Hm,” says Bowtie, “yes, about that--” He reaches to his side and heaves an antique leather briefcase onto her desk. “May I?”

“Of course.”

Bowtie fiddles with the latch, which clicks open to reveal a mountain of papers: wine-stained cocktail napkins and looseleaf notebook pages, parchment-looking stuff, and everything in between. It’s a veritable avalanche of love poems, as well as quotations from various plays and books, all laboriously hand-copied in the same tidy penmanship.

“Angel,” says Sunglasses slowly. “What is this.”

Pink-cheeked, Bowtie flutters his hands. “Just--some things I’d been setting aside!”

“For how long,” Sunglasses says, leaning forward. He sounds delighted but also deeply confused.

“So sorry,” Bowtie tells Dr. Blackwell, “I really should’ve organized these better! Even a rudimentary system--”

“It’s fine,” she says, blankly. She really hopes it isn’t going to be her job to narrow down the options. There are literally hundreds.

“How long,” Sunglasses repeats.

“You know how long!” hisses Bowtie.

Sunglasses plucks a sheet off the pile, rubs it between his thumb and finger. “They stopped making paper like this in the nineteenth century,” he says, sounding strangely triumphant about it.

Dr. Blackwell furrows her forehead, where a number of facts are colliding uncomfortably inside, like how some of these specimens are clearly very new, some are so old she’d be uncomfortable touching them with her bare hands, and the handwriting on every one of them is identical.

“Oh!” she says with sudden bright clarity. “Are you two vintage paper enthusiasts?”

“Yes,” says Bowtie. “Love it, love the stuff, simply cannot get enough.” And then, to Sunglasses, with a pointed look in Dr. Blackwell’s direction, “We’ll talk about it later.”

Maybe they met at a convention, she thinks. That’s nice.

“How about you pick out your top five first?” she suggests. “Or ten.” She glances down at the mound of text. “Also, we might need to get some volunteer readers for some of these, because my French isn’t exactly up to par. Or my--is that Middle English?”

“Haha, how did that get in there, couldn’t even begin to guess,” Bowtie babbles. He has to brace most of his weight on the briefcase lid to wrench it closed again. Sunglasses watches with interest, chin resting in his hands. “Yes, I will, I will absolutely weed some of these out, not to worry--”

The rest of the conversation is standard, for the most part. It’s going to be a relatively small ceremony, no child ring bearers and thankfully no animal ones either. (They have a whiff of eccentricity that had made Dr. Blackwell nervous one of them might suddenly produce a cat on a leash, insisting it was trained. In her experience, granting your beloved calico or tabby custodianship of the rings was a quick recipe for a ringless, catless wedding.) Only a shared stricken look at the possibility of involving any parents in the proceedings.

This, sadly, is also quite standard with older queer couples.

“Between you and me,” says Dr. Blackwell, “and I know this isn’t very ministerial of me. But if the people who raised you don’t support what you have together, which is clearly a wonderful and beautiful and life-affirming thing, I say to Hell with ‘em, you know?”

Bowtie chuckles unsteadily. “I’ll take that under advisement.”

“How long have you two been together?” she asks.

Bowtie and Sunglasses stare at each other. There is a long beat of silence. This is normally, she thinks, not a very hard question.

“How long have we been together?” says Sunglasses at last. The shades may hide his eyes but every molecule of his being is oriented at his fiance. “Hm?”

“Six thousand--” Bowtie starts, resolute.

“What,” says Dr. Blackwell.

“Days!” Bowtie finishes. “Six thousand days!”

“So,” she does some fast mental math, “about sixteen years, then?”

“Yes,” says Bowtie decisively.

“That’s great,” says Dr. Blackwell. “I’ve been with my wife for almost six years, I hope we’re still this much in love a decade from now.” There’s just something so reassuring about meeting older queer couples, she thinks. Bowtie and Sunglasses must be at least forty. Maybe fifty?

(It’s odd; they’re clearly solid, clearly sitting in front of her, but every time she tries to clue into any specific detail about either of them, her mind sort of skitters away from it--

Her head hurts.)

“Guessing you want a short service,” she says, rubbing at her forehead. “I’ll just write out a few remarks for you two to look over first, if that’s alright? I can email something to you by the end of the week.”

“Sounds perfect!” says Bowtie.

They shake hands. She watches them leave, watches Sunglasses mutter something in Bowtie’s ear that makes him smile on the way out the door.

Pair of oddballs, but in a nice way, she thinks. You can’t always tell, as a minster, which couples are going to make it in the long run, but she hopes this all works out for them. Maybe it will. They’ve already stood the test of time, it seems.

Sixteen years--they’ve been together since early 2000.

Imagine, she thinks. Just imagine.

#good omens #ineffable husbands #codename pending #sort of a pre-marriage fic #99% fluff and 1% soft eldritch horror #not sure about ao3ing this one bc it's just so self-indulgent

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eternalwritess · 2 months

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Hey, could I have a Hazbin Hotel matchup?

I'm a bisexual aroace (If you've heard of "demiromantic"; that's how I experience romantic attraction). I use he/it/they pronouns.

I'm an INFP, though I have gotten ISTP sometimes. I usually keep to myself around strangers, and my first words to people that I'm not introduced by friends are usually just work-related with a bit of small talk (even in fandom spaces, surprisingly). Once I get comfortable around people, I tend to let my childish nature and antics shine through, and once I consider you a friend, it's hard to ever fully shake me off. My friends sometimes call me an "old grandpa", with the way I know a lot of random psychology and biology facts, and the way I fumble with new technology, slang, and texting acronyms. My love of non-fiction and my adherence to grammar rules certainly doesn't help. Simultaneously, they (lovingly) call a 12-year-old boy, with the way I don't hesitate to pull out a "your mom" or "that's what she said" to the conversation and with the way that I almost exclusively watch animated movies and shows over live action ones. I carry with me 15 packets of soy sauce in fish-shaped sachets in my (several) pockets. Why? Because I think it's funny, and the confusion I bring to those around me with my soy collection gives me a sense of joy. (I do other things of a similar calibre, but I wanted to name an example) Despite all of this, I tend to gravitate towards the "Mom Friend" archetype. I carry with me a lot of people pleasing tendencies (I get a lot of anxiety around not upsetting others), and that translates to making sure that the people around me are happy. I also tend to fill a "Therapist Friend" role because of this fact, my psychology facts, and how intuitive I can be at times. I tend to isolate myself, whether by physically or mentally leaving the room, when I feel upset, and I don't really like talking about negative experiences I have unless those experiences have been resolved.

On a brighter note, I consider myself quite the creative person. I draw a lot, though I usually only draw other characters instead of my own OCs. I have a discord server that I use to jot down either: a) my opinion of a certain media b) images/reactions I find funny/relatable c) infodumps about AUs or crossovers that I've made I don't really write, so I consider "c)" to be the next best thing. I also love music. I listen to mostly indie music, with a couple of generic queer bands thrown in there and a couple of musicals' and video games' OSTs. I play the violin and the trombone, so I may be biased in saying that I love jazz (really doesn't help the "old man" allegations, but who cares). In terms of non-creative hobbies, I love reading. Although I find myself drawn to the odd science non-fiction book, my heart lies in fantasy and mystery novels (this does include webtoons, manga, and webnovels, though I don't read those as much). On the same vein, I love video games (where else would I get those OSTs?). I tend to like story-rich games that are either turn-based (think Undertale) or no combat (think Slime Rancher), though if the mechanics aren't too overwhelming, metroidvanias are nice (think Hollow Knight). The last main hobby is food. If I didn't give you "mad scientist" vibes, let me tell you, I "Victor Frankenstein" my way through every meal, when time permits. I mostly mix and match what I'd think taste good together based on what I was craving at the time. I'd also say that, apart from Quality Time, I show affection best through giving foods that I've made. It works in reverse, too, where I get pleasantly happy when people I know well offer food to me. There was this one time I was bickering with some friends and one of them held a packet of chips to my face, and I tell you, the way I immediately shut up the second I saw it... I was almost embarrassed by how well that worked...

I'm really sensitive to a lot of textures, and the biggest ones are stickers (and anything sticky in that way) and wet things (think water fountains splashing water unexpectedly, fruit juices spraying on my face when I cut them too harshly, even stepping on wet floorboards without socks can set it off). Clothing/carpet with short hairs send literal shivers down my spine, but only when I touch them with my fingers/feet. I don't like kissing (at all.), so I normally stick with nuzzling. Hugs and spooning (both with people I'm comfortable around) are okay, however.

I don't really have any pet peeves, other than just blatant disrespect of basic boundaries as well as these boundaries in particular.

Apologies if this is quite long, I can go on a tangent a lot. Double apologies if English isn't your first language. I hope you have a good day (or night, depending on when you read this).

𝕐𝕠𝕦 𝕙𝕒𝕧𝕖 𝕓𝕖𝕖𝕟 𝕞𝕒𝕥𝕔𝕙𝕖𝕕 𝕨𝕚𝕥𝕙…

𝓒𝓱𝓪𝓻𝓵𝓲𝓮!

The way you met was most likely she found you after an extermination not wanting to find help for your wounds and instead took care of you since you might've been new to hell

You were quiet at first and she was fine with that slowly talking to you and trying to get you to open up about yourself

She would ask you questions here and there not minding if you answered or not

"So uh... first time in Hell huh? It's not as bad as it looks... I promise" :)

She would also make jokes until you got to open up

She doesn't mind it all at if you follow her around to talk to her. In fact she loves it and will most likely do the same since she has some clingy tendencies

She would also love to hear you spout random facts about psychology. Actually it partially is one of the reasons why she started the hotel.

She also fumbles with new slang so you'd have some fun there :)

When she first noticed the whole soy sauce packets thing she found it extremely confusing and then funny. (she has that type of humor)

So every now and then she'll ask you for a soy sauce packet when she's bored

"Can I have a packet please?"

With Charlie she's not very hard to please so I think that you won't get anxiety over that. In fact if you do anything for her she'll become overjoyed and do something for you

When you tend to isolate yourself (especially physically) she tries to help you and talk to you more to see what's going on

If you have any unresolved issues she'll try and ask you about them and see if you want to talk about them at all or see if she can help with anything

Although she totally understands if you say no as she has her own (*cough* daddy issues *cough*)

"Do you want to talk about it?..."

She loves watching you create things and seeing the things that you've created

She'll listen to music with you all the time dancing around the room and singing at the top of her lungs (whether you join her or not is completely optional)

She'll also go up to you and ask if you want to go to concerts with her or if you want to have a silly little karaoke night with her

You both also probably have started a book club where you read books together and discuss them. She's really interested in romance btw :)

"They just have to get together!!"

She also loves fantasy and will try mysteries from time to time but she's quite bad at them so she tends to avoid them

She'll also try to play video games with you from time to time but she's really bad at those and doesn't understand any of the controls so she just watches you instead probably giving commentary and praising you as you go on

When you mix and match food she'll try it with you as long as it doesn't look too out of her area

"That tasted amazing!!!"

Adding onto that she'll also get you food all of the time trying to find out your favorite one

She's gotten you tons of chips, sandwich, cookies, olives, anything you can think of

She also tends to bake for you every now and then just as a surprise

As for sensations she totally gets it and would probably have a few pet peeves with those too. So you'd probably both have a very specific covers and mattresses

She'll also always respect your boundaries and sometimes even try to go out of her way to respect them

She's perfectly fine with just nuzzling or cuddle every now and then <3

Overall you're both a very sweet and caring couple

#match up #matchups #matchup #hazbin hotel matchup #hazbin hotel matchups #hazbin hotel match up #hazbin #hazbin hotel match ups #hazbin hotel #charlie hazbin hotel #charlie morningstar #charlie morningstar hazbin hotel

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friendofhayley · 4 years

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ship history meme

Embrace your past and get to know your friends’ fandom origins!

Rules: Post gifs of your fandoms / ships starting with your most current hyperfixation and work backwards. (Bonus points if you share any stories about how or when you got into that ship! But not necessary!!) Then tag anyone whose fandom history you’d like to learn about!

Tagged by the most gorgeous, smartest, sweetest, and kindest person in my life @sightetsound <3 Sorry y’all, I have a lot of hyperfixations and I’m on NyQuil!

1. Katsuki Bakugo and Eijiro Kirishima, My Hero Academia - I literally can’t watch Season 4 until it’s finished because my heart will Explode if I’m left on a cliffhanger involving these too!!! (Unbreakable T.T <3) I don’t usually like animes but I fell in love with his trash bastard and his soft rock boyfriend by the villain’s attack in S1. It all started when I got a TikTok because a Very Hot Bakugo cosplayer was on there. (Literally, their rendition of Bakugo is just, umph. They have appeared in my dream.). As she got more popular he started cosplaying more of Class 1-A of MHA, and I kept wondering?? What the fuck is this anime about?? Why is there an alien girl?? I soon gave in and watched the show to gain context to this thirst trap. I have so many feels for these boys, even though I don’t post on them much here, and T.T

2. Alec Lightwood and Magnus Bane, Shadowhunters - I literally almost wrote my thesis because of this ship. I got into Shadowhunters because I was depressed in a foreign, racist country where I couldn’t go outside alone because old white men would corner me on the street, and everyone was talking about how Mike from Glee was kissing a guy at a wedding? Instead of partying during my study abroad trip, I gobbled down Malec content. And like who wouldn’t?? Harry Shum Jr. was playing a bisexual warlock?? And he had lines and a main character role??? An interracial couple where the characters are both POC?? Sign me up! But then I quickly fell in love with awkward gayby Alec and immediately knew how it felt to be in his shoes. (Disclaimer: I still haven’t finished the show because I don’t want their story to end, but just seeing their wedding scene????? Tears!!!!!!!!!! Both wedding scenes! I-) I just love how soft they look at each as they realize how lucky they are to be able to fall in love against the odds. T.T They deserve the world and all the warlock and shadowhunter babies and T.T This is just going to devolve into me crying so-

3. Stiles Stilinski and Derek Hale, Teen Wolf - I got into Teen Wolf to escape the hellfire that had become the Glee fandom around S3-S4. (Tbh it might have been Dereklei’s constant Sterek content on my dash that led me to give in.) Stiles was bi (through subtext) and definitely turned on by an older werewolf. What more could a depressed Gleek ask for? And listen - now looking back, Sterek is definitely gay Twilight - if Bella was snarkier, had a mental illness, and also a personality. Sterek was the ship to get me back into writing fanfiction and where I could read paranormal characters working through PTSD, ADHD, and other mental illnesses while fighting monsters and having unrealistic sex! I also love those future fics where Beacon Hills isn’t a Hellmouth anymore, and everyone’s alive and just living as one big found family. Truly, Derek deserves the world and I love him so much, and Stiles definitely agrees.

4. Louis Tomlinson and Harry Styles, One Direction - If it’s a surprise that I’m a dark larrie, please read my bio. HL made me believe that love is real and exists and can last for years. I got into One Direction in 2011 through a Lilo fanfic, but as soon as I watched the Video Diaries,,,we knew. Louis has saved my life in ways I can’t describe and the songs that they’ve written for each other through their tough times are so inspiring to listen and dance to. Seeing how they’ve been dragged apart by management, Sony Entertainment, and the whole music industry as a whole even though they exist in glass closets is very disheartening to see. But their resilience that they show through their art (Only the Brave, Sweet Creature, If I Could Fly, and like so many others) is always there. If you want to fall in this rabbit hole, look at freddieismyqueen on YT and come inside lol. Larry is real.

5. Kurt Hummel and Blaine Anderson, Glee - the ship that got me on Tumblr! I didn’t start watching Glee until the summer before S2 came out. My whole choir was into it and I didn’t want to be “mainstream”, but Kurt was the first openly gay teen character that I saw on TV. When I heard a character played by Darren Criss, a musical theater YT legend from AVPM, I had to watch it. I ended up binging the first season with those Netflix DVDs during summer break (yeah remember when Netflix wasn’t streaming? lol). I watched every episode of that god-forsaken show the night of (or night after illegally, hidden from my parents) for that ship, and then me and my best friend would rant about it for the whole week: rinse and repeat. The episode they got together made me scream and I definitely put those Glee Rewind songs in my iPhone. (Fun fact: I used to cry at night because I wished someone like Kurt could love me like that because I heavily related to Blaine and his whole situation). I naturally stopped watching Glee the moment they broke them up and I’m still mad at their hasty attempt to marry them out of nowhere with no well-written getting together / make-up arc other than Jigsaw?? and a barn wedding?? As if Hummel would. What a trash fire. But dang, Glee fanfics have some of the dirtiest, kinkiest, forbidden fics out there. If you were ever on Glee_Kink_Meme on LJ, you know.

6. Harry Potter and Draco Malfoy, Harry Potter - the ship that started it all, the big kahuna, the ultimate enemies to lovers for 90s kids. Drarry got me into the fandom world in middle school, where I basically lived on FFN and LJ while pretending to do my homework. I used to get ready every day by watching the same playlist of “The best Harry Potter videos on Youtube!” (curated by Ariel333Lindt, who was the only queer person I knew but lived in Eastern Europe, where I could see two gay people kiss and fall in love in the safety of my room through badly photoshopped videos. Please check out that playlist). I just love how each fic is a microcosm where they have to construct how magical systems work, the backstories of pureblood families, creatures, or just wizarding culture for the end goal of having Drarry fuck and fall in love! I love redemption arcs that take 200k to achieve, I love dark!Harry takes, and every single different damn take on Narcissa, Pansy, and Millicent - because deep down that’s the writer trying to come to turns on whether or not Draco should be redeemed to get together with Harry. (I mean we all know they’re obsessed with each other, book 6 anyone?) I feel like Drarry fics have the best worldbuilding and characterizations of these characters, and I just love those moments when Draco and Harry take a moment to take a breath together and realize how far they’ve come. No one else can understand how it felt to be the pariah or the chosen one, they both interacted with Voldemort the most, and they have the most history together. They should have gotten together! But I mean the author’s dead, am I right?

So that was a lot! Those are all the ships that impacted me that I still participate with. They have shaped me for better or worse, and have made me learn more about who I am and what I want (or don’t want) in a relationship. This was the most fun essay I’ve ever written on NyQuil!

I’m tagging @homosociallyyours because I really want to know your fandom story! Also @stozierbrak because I love you and must hear you gush about your boys. I’m also tagging @iamaqualady because you’re literally the most intriguing person I know and I’m glad we’re friends even though we haven’t interacted that much? ish?

#tag #me #kiribaku #drarry #sterek

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duckbeater · 4 years

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Courtship, pt. 1

We interrupt the fantasy series Odd Frock to bring you the dystopian series Courtship, a reflection on life in the time of coronavirus (truly unprecedented, groundbreaking, up-to-the-minute content). Odd Frock will resume with its third installment, “No Oaths,” sometime next week! —The Editors

—

The Times recently ran an essay-review about the prevalence of “deception” as a theme in newish queer novels. A spate of gay writers have taken up the cause of lies again—lies for love, lies for survival, that sort of thing. I remember reading this description way too close to bedtime, becoming furious, posting a screengrab of the headline to my Instagram story, and then flinging myself to sleep.

Those nights, sleep was less a sheer cliff than a steep embankment, ending in a kind of gray-water ravine. The kind you sometimes find behind subdivisions, full of detergent bottles and half-crushed cans of Michelob Ultra. A lot of my friends—I mean, my coworkers—were describing this sensation: lying in bed awake, confused about the day (unremitting sameness) and confused about the prospect of waking up in a day exactly the same. “I have no reason to sleep,” said my friend Vadim, in his theatrically Russian accent, “and yet I have no better reason to wake up.” This from a man expecting his first child, a baby girl named Marta, in August.

When I tried to go to bed at night and couldn’t sleep, sometimes I punched pillows and blankets into a human-shaped substitute, and pretended to hold this cool lump’s hand. I missed holding a hand while I slept.

I was trying to be honest but not dire with my therapist. Our weekly, forty-five-minute phone sessions had devolved into weak-sauce temperature checks on my declining optimism, and whether my anxiety and boredom were putting me at an increased risk for “acting out.” I think by “acting out,” he meant drinking myself into a rage and dealing in criminal property damage, something I’d done back in October when I had, plausibly, fewer reasons for “acting out.” I’d been arrested and everything. It was a bad time.

Dave kept offering platitudes taken from his decade working as a chaplain for a clinic in Chicago, during a different plague. I didn’t exactly rebuff his analogizing the wan present with his indelible past, but I didn’t accept these comparisons uncritically, either. “You have to make a lot more choices, more intimate choices, to contract HIV,” I said, after another riff about “needing touches” and “harm reduction” and “risk.” “But the choices I’m making right now are like, Should I Clorox wipe my mail? Should I pet my neighbor’s dog?”

“Evan, what I’m trying to tell you is, you’ll get lonely and start making decisions out of loneliness, desperate loneliness. And whether those decisions include an intimate encounter or a neighborhood walk or maybe a small dinner with friends, you’ll need to entertain the idea of exposure and infection.”

Despite the obviousness of his remarks, I felt pierced by their retrospective application. Pierced and humbled, etc. My life, the one I was leading by myself in my studio apartment, seemed entirely the product of decisions made out of desperate loneliness. The night before our session, I’d watched four hours of Bon Appétit content on YouTube, despite a very on-the-record hatred for cooking, and the night before that, I’d spent six hours spider searching a tiny desk lamp with a cement base. I needed a light feature in my bookshelf—a light feature that could double as a heavy, practical book-stopper. Its discovery engendered a sort of mania. My attention had become a hostage to material comforts. A fantasy I kept coming back to was of a tall blond, maybe from the professional-managerial class, walking into my confinement and being so taken with the objets d’arte and expensive candle glow, he’d shuck his pants off without my needing witty banter or, heaven forfend, making dinner to seduce him.

What I wasn’t telling Dave wasn’t lying. I wasn’t contorting the truth per se, only under-reporting the meager life events taking place in quarantine, so that most of my hours were spent, it seemed to him, sitting on my couch trying to read. We’d already discussed how reading was impossible. I was too horny. I missed my ex a lot, who also seemed to miss me a lot—he called nearly every day. On one such phone call, I asked for sex by name. I said, “Let me into your bubble, and let’s just fuck it out, please.” I didn’t tell Dave about this. I wanted him to think the two years of hard work we’d put into the breakup was unshakable. That the work was in fact extraordinarily fragile demoralized me endlessly and was, frankly, too embarrassing to report. Besides, my ex didn’t so much decline as leave my request unanswered. Much the kindest thing to do.

I didn’t tell Dave that I wasn’t eating. Or that I was eating, but like a varmint. A handful of blueberries in the morning, some Cheez-Its for lunch, coffee all day long. Every few days I’d get a hankering for potatoes and put a hurting on pound after pound of frozen microwavables, folding in expensive cheeses. What else. I had developed a compulsive mail habit—checking my mailbox up to five times a day. I ran during the afternoon, and every run, I loathed and cursed dog-walkers, who never broke rank and whose dogs kept them cheerful, glowing, vital, loved. I’ve never hated dogs more. I’ve never hated strangers more. I rarely wore a mask.

Wait. This is what I wanted to explain. It’s facile but that doesn’t mean I didn’t feel it strongly—that I don’t still feel it strongly. The whole of life, operating along its axis of normal, acceptable behavior, had become a massive con. Maybe what I mean is, the massive con, long evident but carefully ignored, was now fully exposed, or fully loosed, and terrorizing people. It was impossible to pretend that our political system, our economic system, our public health system, our way of organizing culture and society, hadn’t brought us catastrophic failure. And lying about this, deceiving ourselves to go on, was all we had left.

Lying was sanity’s saving grace. Deception, I did not tell my therapist, was become fortitude’s handmaiden. Maybe this entry should be called “What I Wasn’t Telling Dave,” but then it couldn’t have the title I’ve already pinned to the top of the page, “Courtship,” which to me is what this pandemic has really been about. Making overtures to beautiful, intelligent gentlemen, with scant certainty of any attentions panning out, to distract myself from the strange days and lonely nights. (I’m aware that for others this pandemic must be about “joblessness,” “stillness,” “conspiracy” or “annihilation.”) Anyway. I’m writing this in the past tense, I guess to occupy the narrative position of someone who successfully avoided death, the death of loved ones, and ended up, firmly, finally, not sleeping with his ex. It’s so sunny in the city today, it almost looks like the future.

When I broke quarantine, it was to give a beautiful, silly twenty-five-year old a haircut. Scotty brought over Cheez-Its and played over two hours of Mario Kart with me; we necked for two hours more and then fell asleep, entwined; in the morning he showered again, and I gave him a cup of coffee while he stood under the running hot water. “My hot water’s been out for a couple weeks,” he explained, after my asking if he’d passed out in there. Cutting Scotty’s hair was the romantic highlight of my spring. He sat on the toilet in my underwear and gabbed about going to med school in the fall, on some Caribbean island. He left hair everywhere, in every crevice of the bathroom, in the bar soap and spare toothbrush. In the weeks when I continued to isolate alone, I’d find more of him under the sink, under the rug, under the conditioner. Obviously, I didn’t tell Dave about this. I cherished it and didn’t want a lecture.

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hillnerd · 5 years

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I just wanted to ask how do you imagine Ron and Hermione getting together if we have fem!Harry. How do you think it will affect the dynamics of the Trio. Can you write a headcanon for this situation just like you did with genderbend Ron and Hermione?

Fun!

Ok, well fem!Harry would have different gender dynamics happening. Harriet Potter- prefers to go by Harry. Ron and Harry being best friends from the get go would turn more heads, given how very prone to boy and girl clannishness we see in school age kids, where they tend to stick to their own group. (This dynamic still holds strong- but is being more actively challenged today.) I think Ron would be even MORE protective of Harry, given how Ron is so chivalrous. I think it would throw Ron’s mothering into overdrive when she’s being attacked.

Harry might not initially LIKE Hermione- but she does have a bit of a kindred-ness with her, as in their dorm they’re the two girls who aren’t as traditionally feminine. I see Harry having rejected traditional femininity a bit because 1) Petunia is all about that 2) she wasn’t allowed to even meet those standards with Petunia as she was still just given Dudley’s hand-me-downs etc- so decided to reframe it for herself that it was more a ‘choice’ to reject those standards.

After the troll incident, they have Hermione as a friend, and Ron finds himself with two girls as his best friends- something that makes him stand out as a bit odd- so I can see him sort of saying ‘well, Harry’s practically a boy!’ as sort of a justification he puts forth when given flack.

Ron gets on with Harry much more naturally at first- but finds Hermione to be a lot more fun than he originally thought she could be. She’s fun to debate with, way more talkative than Harry about all sorts of stuff, likes to get into observing people and indulging his more ‘analytical/deep’ side than most people have ever bothered with him. The two of them are able to have a lot of fun without Harry around, actually. He loves to bro around with Harry though, as the two of them can just have fun and BE without any expectations for behavior, and they have a ton in common.

Harry and Hermione end up being a bit closer than they were in the books, as she and Hermione share a dormroom, and Harry is socialized that it’s more ok to open up about emotions and things like that- so she might confide a bit more in Hermione than she ever did as male!Harry.

Ron would not have that ‘I’m competing with Harry’ dynamic going on- so he’d actually be a lot more confident. He’d be the ‘lead male’ of the Gryffindor boys in this scenario, which would help him to feel like he does indeed stand out a bit more.

Now, when it comes to shipping, I think of Harry as a bisexual disaster in this scenario- and Ron’s little sister Ginny is taken with Harry. They think it’s just she looks up to her- after all Ginny is super into quidditch and being tough- and there’s this girl who embodies all of that! She’s a rolemodel she’s been looking up to! And Ginny is fairly convinced that’s all she’s feeling towards Harry- as this is the 90s and being queer is not talked about very much.

Second and Third year go as they did in the books for the most part- not much different.

Fourth year is when things would really be different. Ron has these two female best friends- and they’re all growing up and junk. Stupid hormones! He gets flack from Harry and Hermione about his reaction to Fleur- (as I’m just going to pretend that veela magic is as heteronormative in how it works as it was in the books :P) Rita Skeeter quickly writes a story about Harry and Ron being together, and Hermione is starting to shut down a bit on them after wards. Then there is the yule ball. Harry asks Ron immediately to be her date as she doesn’t know any other boy she’d rather go with. He says yes, and Hermione is even colder towards Harry.

Ron realizes if he could have chosen a date, he probably would have chosen Hermione. Afterall, he’s always ‘seen her as a girl,’ vs with Harry he sort of looked at her as a sister figure? Another bro? He finds out Hermione is going with someone else, and feels torn about it. I mean- he was already going with Harry- he should be fine. Why does it matter who she’s going with. He asks Harry about it and Hermione never told her a thing and is being very cold with her for some reason. Ron thinks maybe she’s a bit jealous of the champion/yule ball stuff? But until this point Hermione had seen normal about it all. Harry and Ron decide all girls are weird, and Harry is the exception. :P

They go to the yule ball, and she and Ron have a good time- though Ron is a bit embarrassed by his robes. Harry is looking pretty- and so is Hermione- who turns out to be with Krum of all the random people. Ron’s put off seeing Hermione with him, but it’s not quite as miserable as he has Harry with him. Harry’s a bit pining after Cho, but she doesn’t know what to do with this information really- as you’re not supposed to like girls, right? She turns her attention to Ron- who she’s always just thought of as a mate. Maybe their closeness is something… more? She doesn’t know. Growing up is hard.

They go outside and Harry sees all the couples around them, and decides she should ask Ron if he’d ever thought about doing coupley things with her, and Ron is thrown for a loop. He hadn’t, in all honesty, thought about it. Harry quickly says she feels the same way, and they leave it at that. Though now they’re both wondering if there IS something to explore between them.

Hermione finally confronts Harry towards the end of the year- is there any truth to the rumors Rita had put forth about Harry and Ron? At first she had dismissed them, but she started to get more and more worried- after all Ron and Harry get along so much more peacefully than she and Ron. The two of them have so much in common. Harry tells her how they have never done anything romantic… but Hermione pushes and asks if maybe they would. Harry has to admit, she couldn’t rule Ron out. Hey have so much in common after all… And he is cute. Hermione seems uptight about this but seems to be back to normal with Harry.

Fifth year it all starts coming to a head- the romantic tensions happening with the trio. Ron is taken with Hermione, thinks she’s beautiful amazing wonderful etc- but is too afraid to try anything, as she has never demonstrated much in the way of romance with him (that he could detect)- but Harry has.

So one night they’re done with a disastrous practice- and Ron is feeling utterly gutted, so Harry stays with him to comfort him, and she is telling him how great he is, and it feels so nice to be told all this- and Ron and Harry kiss. It’s nice, they guess, and comforting. So they give it a go of things. Might as well, yeah? Everyone always teased and thought they would get together. They’re each other’s first kiss, and first romance. Hermione is completely heart broken.

She goes to cry somewhere, and Ginny finds her - Hermione ends up telling her everything. Ginny is secretly jealous of her brother- as she’s beginning to recognize how much she like Harry as more than just girl friends- and Hermione is hurting so badly she never wants to see her friends again- but Ginny talks her round.

Ron and Harry try to do the romance thing- but it ends up being weird. Like, it’s nice in a lot of ways- but then in others they just don’t seem to mesh- it’s like something they can’t name is missing between them. And Ron keeps thinking of Hermione, every time they kiss. It’s so messed up and he doesn’t know what to do. It makes sense to be with Harry, right? He and Hermione make so much less sense on paper. Half the time he thinks she barely even likes him!

So Rarry date for a few months before Harry asks him if they're dating just because everyone thinks they SHOULD and it’s easy to do since they’re best friends, or if they genuinely are wanting to be romantically involved? Ron has to admit after thinking about it that he’s not sure. He was comforted in the attention and kissing- and Harry is very pretty and everything- but yeah… Do they romantically love one another? Neither know, as they’ve never been in love before. They decide to break up to see- I mean- if you break up and you don’t long to be together then that’d answer it, right?

The experiment works- they liked being together- but don’t particularly miss it other than the comfort it brought. Plus, Ron still has feelings for Hermione he hasn’t been able to forget. Hermione is forced to confront how she has approached things with Ron up to this point- as she sees a clear example of how you go from from friends to something more. She’s also even less certain, though, how Ron could ever ever like her.

Ginny’s been watching all this nonsense going on, along with Harry’s PTSD and how depressed she is, and how the trio have seemed ‘off’ since everything that went down with all this Ronarry Romione stuff happening. She reaches out to Harry to talk to her, and Harry finds Ginny to be very comforting. She’s upset over wanting to see Sirius, she’s upset because Hermione is being weird with her, and she’s upset because Ron has been a tiny bit more distant from her- and she’s feeling so isolated! So Ginny is a good person to talk to in all this. They bond a bit more closely than they did in OotP due to the added isolation on Harry’s plate.

Romione have great romantic tension happening that is way more at the forefront than it would have been. By the end of the year it seems to have almost peaked- but the two are too afraid to go for it. Harry is afraid to say anything, as she feels she is the cause for everything going so wrong between them all in the first place.

Sixth year Harry starts to realize how integral to her happiness Ginny is- and she and Ginny are steadily growing closer and closer. This leaves Ron and Hermione together even more, and Hermione is realizing that she needs to make a move with Ron. Obviously Ron and she could go back to being friends if it didn’t work out- just like Ron and Harry had. She keeps getting close to saying something then chickens out- Then the big push happens when Lavender starts showing signs of liking Ron. SHE’S NOT GOING TO LET THIS HAPPEN AGAIN!

So she pulls Ron aside one night when Harry has a lesson with Dumbledore and the common room is somehow empty. She can’t contain herself and straight up confesses.

‘Ron… I think I like you…’ she confesses, just knowing he’ll burst out laughing at her.

‘You do?’ Ron asks feeling something amazing filling him- some sort of overwhelming feeling.

‘I…do’ Hermione can barely bring herself to say anything else, she feels so vulnerable and crazy and afraid and-

And then Ron leans in and kisses her. It doesn’t feel anything like when he and Harry kissed. It’s not a mechanical sort of pleasure- it’s something deep and fulfilling and beautiful. It is passionate, perfect, they’re giddy from it. They talk a bit- decide to make a go of it- and are kissing again when

Harry walks in on them.

They have a moment filled with fear- will this hurt Harry? Will she be ok with this? Will she be angry? But after a moment of stunned silence, she smiles at them. A broad open smile. It’s not forced. She’s genuinely happy for them.

They’re happily together from then on- and Harry is very happy for them, though feeling a bit lonely and a lot like a third wheel- but she has Ginny to indulge in- and the romantic tension builds over the year between Hinny- coming to a head with their Gryffindor victory- and they are hugging each other to celebrate, then there is something heated in their glance- they don’t quite lose themselves so much they kiss in front of everyone (again 90s and internalized worries about showing queerness is a thing)- but as soon as they are outside the common room they are kissing- and much like with Romione above- they feel whole and know this is very very real between them. The passion, love, comfort and feeling of wholeness can’t be denied. Harry finds that missing piece of happiness when she’s with Ginny.

Harry and Ginny would not be public about their relationship, except to Romione and a few close friends- given how young they are and how queer relationships were taken in at that time, and they would be very supported by the people that know. Romione ships they harder than anyone. So do Luna and Neville.

Harry doesn’t have to break up with Ginny since the relationship is hidden. So with the Locket- it DOES pray on Hermione’s uncertainty of Rarry- Hermione almost leaves- but she and Ron have been dating so very long at this point that it can’t break the trio up.

Everything else plays out the same- and they all live happily ever after- with Hinny having the cutest lesbian wedding ever and Romione equally having the cutest damn relationship you can imagine.

#romione #rarry #harriet potter #genderbent #genderbender #Anonymous

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pug-bitch · 5 years

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That’s not why I’m going (26)

Yass Kween, right?

Book: The Royal Romance

Pairing: Drake Walker x Amara Suarez

Rating: some foul language, some extremely suggestive, and a steamy scene. This is absolutely NOT appropriate for people under 18.

Word count: around 4,900 (let me know if the ‘keep reading’ cutoff isn’t working well!)

Notes: This picks up pretty much where we left off, during first night in the cabin (yes I am taking my sweet time writing the happier parts, after everything our little guys have been through!), starting with Drake’s POV.

*****

Drake sighs wistfully. He can’t sleep, but not because he’s stressed out. On the contrary, he’s too blissful to sleep, and he didn’t even know that was an option. He looks at Amara, who is peacefully asleep next to him. They made love three times, once outside, and twice upstairs, in his bed. Suddenly, it dawns on Drake that he’d never had sex in this bed. Always at the palace. In fact, he’d never brought a woman back here. Too intimate. Now he’s grateful; it only makes this night more special. He pushes a strand of hair away from Amara’s face so he can see her better. He feels like a creep for a second, watching he sleep, but he just loves her face so much. And seeing her like this, relaxed and asleep, makes him feel at peace. No comparison with the nightmares she used to have. Or maybe still has, PTSD doesn’t go away like that. But at least it has calmed down.

Drake hopes her stress doesn’t come back running when they get back to court. He loves Portavira, even Penelope’s parents’ estate is quiet and beautiful, no frills. But he just wishes they could both stay here. Maybe they could, someday? It feels like such a pipe dream.

First, they have to get through the last week of the competition. Drake shudders, remembering the last competition, when Leo had to propose to Madeleine and then skipped town, wreaking havoc on everything. Would it be as bad this time? Probably. Ever since Drake was with Amara and had snapped at Liam several times, he had no idea what was going through his mind. No more late night chats, no more confidence. Did he miss it? Sure, but nothing he can do about it now. Liam had been a dick to Amara a few weeks ago, and even if he was a lot better, it still doesn’t excuse everything he’s said and done. Drake simply doesn’t know if he can just go back to normal. They would hopefully stay friends, if Drake and Amara played their cards right and announced their relationship in a timely manner. But best friends again? Probably not.

Drake feels a pang in his chest just thinking back on all the moments Liam had been there for him and vice versa.

No more, he thinks. This is not the time to turn this happy night into a stressful one. He’d deal with everything another day. Maybe it would be a catastrophe --probably would be-- but right now, all he wants to do is keep snuggling with Amara.

His phone buzzes on the nightstand. Shit, he thinks. Hopefully Amara doesn’t wake up. He grabs it and sees a text.

Amara is lovely, Drake. Well done. It was good talking to you today, you look happy. I love you.

His mom never said anything this nice, not anymore, not since Dad had passed and Sav had left, and Drake had closed himself up. He could tell how much his mom had taken to Amara. Of course she would, Amara is the Sun. Easy to talk to, smart, funny. Hauntingly beautiful. God, he loves her.

Insightful, too. She’d hit the nail on the head a couple months ago, when they had talked about Drake’s mom having remarried and how it had made him feel. He starts typing.

Love you too, Mom. Happy you like her. I like her too...a lot. Give my best to Barry.

His mom instantly replies, visibly excited given the speed at which she typed the second message.

Barry says hi too!!!!!!!!! We both want to see you soon!!!

So many exclamation points. Maybe because to this day, Drake had never acknowledged his stepdad via text, except for the odd text for birthdays.

He puts the phone down and starts closing his eyes, hoping to join Amara in slumber soon.

*****

‘You can’t sleep either?’ Maxwell whispers, approaching his brother in the family room.

‘Oh, Maxwell, you scared me,’ he says, startled.

‘Sorry,’ Max mutters, stifling a smile. His brother is wearing a burgundy satin robe, and matching slippers. He’s sitting on the couch, his back perfectly straight, his legs crossed in his tweed pyjama pants. As he sees Maxwell come in, Bertrand tightens the tie of his robe, and Maxwell realizes that there are gold tassels on each end of the rope. He chuckles on the inside, remembering the one time Amara had asked him if Bertrand sleeps in a Victorian nightgown. This is almost worse. All he’s missing is a pipe. And maybe 30 years added to his age.

‘Do you want to sit down with me?’ Bertrand asks. As Max sits, he wishes he could take a picture of the robe and slippers to send it to Amara.

‘Are you ok?’ Max asks, forcing himself to be serious again.

‘I’m fine,’ Bertrand smiles weakly. ‘Just...thinking, you know.’

Max nods. ‘I know. Me too. I’ve been thinking about Mom and Dad a lot, and… this explains many things.’

‘It does. I’m sorry for keeping this from you for so long, Maxxie.’

Tears threaten to fall from Maxwell’s eyes. Years since Bertrand had called him Maxxie. ‘It’s ok, I get it. You were doing this to honor Dad’s memory.’ What’s Max’s excuse for keeping the Bartie secret from Bertrand? He knows he promised Dramara to hold on until they find her and get her side of the story, but he longs to be close to his brother again. The secrets are driving an invisible wedge between them.

‘Still,’ Bertrand whispers. ‘I’m sorry, Maxxie. Can you forgive me?’

‘Of course. We’re brothers. The Beaumont Boys. Nothing can keep us apart!’

Bertrand chuckles. ‘We are not boys, Maxwell.’

Max eyes him from head to toe. ‘No doubt about that, given what you’re wearing.’

Bertrand dismisses him with a hand gesture. ‘Oh stop. How is Hana holding up? She seemed well at dinner.’

‘She’s fine. Brave. Relieved. Strong. All of those adjectives. I can’t wait til tomorrow when we get to go hang out at the Walkers’ cabin. You sure you don’t want to come?’

Bertrand shakes his head. ‘I can’t. I’m meeting with Liam, remember?’

Shit, Max thinks. He really isn’t being a considerate brother right now. ‘Do you want me to come with you?’

‘No, there’s no need, really. I would like to see you for maybe an hour tomorrow morning before you head to Portavira though, to convene of a plan that I can relay to Liam. You know, weigh some options.’

‘Of course! We’ll get coffee and discuss it.’

‘Great. Also… I think maybe we should both let Albert go, when all of this is said and done. Together, you know. To strengthen the Beaumont name and show that we are both proud of our father’s legacy.’

‘Yass Kween,’ Max says excitedly. He loves that Bertrand thinks of everything, from every angle.

Bertrand looks at him, confused. ‘Qu...queen? You mean Queen Regina?’

Max bursts out laughing. ‘No, Bertrand, it’s an expression! I’m just saying ‘Yass Kween’ to you, as in I love your idea.’

Bertrand squints. ‘So...I’m the queen in this scenario?’ He shakes his head. ‘I don’t get it, Maxxie.’

Max shrugs, grabs the remote, and fires up Netflix. ‘Oh well, since we’re both up, let’s just watch some Queer Eye, maybe then you’ll get it.’

*****

Liv wakes up in a sweat. She didn’t even realize that she had fallen asleep. She was awakened by a nightmare, the same recurring one for over twenty years: she’s a little girl, watching her parents disappear like holograms, unable to hold on to their hands.

She shakes her head and assesses her surroundings. Too much vodka last night.

She jumps at the sight of Rashad, sound asleep on her ottoman. So, they’d both passed out. Great.

She looks at the clock, it’s past 2am now. She gets up to pour herself a glass of water from the bathroom sink and shakes Rashad awake.

‘Wake up, Domvallier. We fell asleep.’

He jumps up, startled. ‘Huh?’

‘You’re on my ottoman. You should go.’

Rashad wipes his eyes, and slowly comes to. ‘Oh God, Liv, I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to invade your space.’ He gets up hastily, and her heart sinks a bit. So, he did find her terrifying after all.

‘Hey, don’t worry, we just got too drunk and watched too many episodes.’

He starts washing his dirty glass and putting away the blanket he was using. Liv can’t believe he’s tidying up.

‘Leave it, I’ll do it. Thanks, though.’

He smiles and nods. ‘Thanks for the company, Nevrakis. It was a thousand times better than dinner would have been. Good night.’

Before she has time to respond, he’s out the door. She locks it behind him, gets out of her dress, and into bed. A strange feeling invades her. What is that? It feels warm, oddly normal and comforting. Like a blanket.

What the hell is she thinking? A fucking blanket? What happened, did this whole photo leak turn her into a pathetic mass of feelings? Stupid.

Regardless, she had a good night.

*****

Amara awakens to the sound of birds chirping at the window. She turns around, and sees Drake still spooning her, half asleep.

‘Morning, Suarez,’ he mutters, still sleepy.

‘Morning, Walker!’

She plants a kiss on his mouth, and he lingers a bit, kissing her deeper. God, she loves his kisses. He pulls her closer, their lips firmly tangled together, until she straddles him. She feels his cock between her legs, and she instantly feels herself get wetter and wetter. He smiles at her through their kiss, and lets out a soft moan as she rubs herself onto his hard cock. She wants to take her time, though. Thoroughly enjoy the morning with him. Feel his naked body against hers, truly feel him close.

They make love lazily, tenderly, for a long time. When they part, Amara nuzzles in Drake’s arms, comfortable and happy. ‘Can we stay here forever, please?’

Drake chuckles, kissing her head. ‘I wish, babe. Did you sleep well?’

‘Like a fucking baby. I even had nice dreams!’

He smiles at her, and she feels like her heart might explode. ‘You did? What did you dream of?’

‘Just some nice sceneries, some beaches, a quiet lakefront, and...you.’

He smiles again, a bright smile that shines on her like a Sun. ‘I’m glad you’re comfortable here.’

‘Oh, I am. So comfortable. Thanks for having me, Drake.’

He tucks a lock of hair behind her ear. ‘You don’t need to thank me. I can honestly say that I’ve never been happier.’

As if on purpose, Drake’s phone aggressively vibrates, and makes Amara jump with surprise.

Drake frowns and glances at it, with no visible plan to pick up. ‘It’s Liam,’ he says, his voice void of any enthusiasm.

‘Oh…’ Amara says, unable to say anything else.

‘I’m not picking up.’

She nods, silent. She almost says that he should, just so Liam doesn’t get suspicious. But right now, she doesn’t really care. ‘I’m excited to see the guys, but I’m gonna miss our alone time…’

Drake kisses her lips. ‘I am too… It’s been really nice to be away from the world. But I guess I--nevermind.’

She sits up, curious. ‘No no, tell me!’

Drake puts his head in his hands. ‘Ugh, I’m so lame. I was gonna say that I’m kind of excited about um…’ He pauses, and continues in a whisper. ‘Entertaining.’

Amara’s face lights up. She loves seeing him like this. He told her, weeks ago, that his dream was to open a small restaurant, and she can see why. He beams when he’s making his own food. And it doesn’t hurt that his cooking is absolutely delicious. She strokes his hair. ‘It’s not lame at all, it’s actually really sweet. And Drake?’

‘Hm?’

‘I love you.’

He pulls her closer, until her head rests against his chest again. ‘I love you too, Suarez. So fucking much.’

*****

Liam didn’t sleep at all. Well, maybe a little bit. Not much. He thought about what Madeleine had told him, and about his lack of agency in all that. About his father, who would probably not be around for much longer. About Amara, who didn’t reciprocate his feelings. About Olivia, who probably fucked her bodyguard to spite him. And about Drake, his best friend in the world, whom he really needed right now.

He waited until a decent time to call. A few weeks earlier, he wouldn’t have hesitated to call him at 4am if he needed to talk. But not now. Why, though? What happened to them that they didn’t even talk to each other anymore? Drake had been supportive enough, but probably just the bare minimum for someone who was like family. Liam missed him.

So, he called him as soon as it was appropriate. He figured, since he was at Ramsford, he was probably up early, what with Maxwell being a walking alarm clock.

But Drake hadn’t answered.

He tried again, several times, but no luck. He hesitated a bit, and after a quick look in his bathroom mirror, he realizes he cannot just stay with his own thoughts all day. He needs to be with his friends, even if only for a few hours. He needs to be at the Palace in the early afternoon for some meetings, including one with Bertrand, and at night he has a one-on-one with Kiara. But he has a couple of hours to kill.

He dials his phone.

‘Your Highness.’

Bastien always picks up right away. ‘Bastien, hello. Could you please take out the car? I need to go to Ramsford.’

*****

‘Do you think we need to bring her any nail polish?’

Maxwell was in charge of packing Amara’s suitcase, but Hana had insisted on helping him out. She responds right away, ‘Yes, I think so. What if hers is chipped? We did our nails together a couple of days ago already, so she may need some. Pack her light gray one, and also a bolder color. Oh, and her remover.’

Hana was carefully packing Amara’s dresses into a small suitcase. Enough formal wear for Penelope’s estate tomorrow and the day after, and some casual dresses, jeans, and a sweater for downtime. Heels, and her Steve Madden slip-ons. Hana was used to packing all the right things. She was used to doing all the right things.

She closes the suitcase, after Max hands her the toiletry bag that he has just made up. She sits on the bed, taking a breath to think about the amazing friendships she’s made here. She definitely does not want to go home, not anytime soon. Maybe she’s ready to come out to her parents, but she does not want to be under their control anymore. She wishes she could stay here, with the Beaumonts, or with Amara. But after the competition, there is something else she needs to do. If she doesn’t, she’ll have regrets for the rest of her life. She’ll gather all the strength she has, and go to London to see if she still has a chance, or if she truly messed up years ago.

She is drawn from her daydream by Max, who is gently tucking a lock of her hair behind her ear. ‘What’s on your mind, baby girl?’

She smiles and shrugs. ‘Nothing much… I’m excited about tonight.’

Max beams. ‘Me too! You’ll see, the Walker cabin is beautiful, and so quiet, you will love it so much.’

She nods, ‘I can’t wait. I also really want to see Drake and Amara again. It’s weird without them.’

‘You mean Dramara?’

Hana laughs heartily, ‘If you say so!’

They both go back downstairs, where Bertrand awaits them for brunch. As they are all seated on the patio, digging into their frittatas, they see Liam’s towncar pull up. Hana’s heart jumps in her chest, and she looks over to Max, who looks agitated. Liam thinks Drake and Amara are here, what is he going to think when he sees that they are both gone?

Liam gets out of the car, and Hana cannot help but think that he looks terrible. Has he been sleeping? He certainly hasn’t been shaving today, or washing his hair.

‘Good morning, friends!’ he says as he approaches them. ‘Sorry for barging in, I was hoping I could see Drake.’

Maxwell regains his composure and responds, ‘Good morning Liam, please join us for brunch! Unfortunately Drake isn’t here, he had to go to his cabin to deal with something.’

Liam nods, but Hana can’t tell if he believed Max. ‘Oh ok, that would probably explain why he’s not answering his phone. I’d love to join for brunch, thank you Maxwell.’

He comes onto the patio and takes a seat at the table. Max gets up to fetch him a plate. The Beaumonts had dismissed their staff for a few days after they realized that one of their employees must have taken Liv’s phone. They were planning to question them as soon as possible, and in the meantime, they were getting by without help. Bertrand’s frittata was surprisingly good, though.

When Max comes back with Liam’s plate, they all bid each other bon appétit and start eating again. Liam, visibly surprised, asks, ‘Oh, aren’t we waiting for Amara?’

Oh God, Hana thinks. She has to think on her feet, think of something, anything.

As she’s about to open her mouth and improvise, Bertrand chimes in, sounding incredibly natural. ‘Lady Amara is in her bedroom, she has a migraine. She asked not to be disturbed, she needs to be in complete darkness.’

Damn, Bertrand, Hana thinks. How did he think on his feet so fast?

‘Goodness,’ Liam says, visibly convinced. ‘That’s too bad, poor Amara. Well, I’ll see her in Portavira tomorrow I hope.’

Bertrand flashes a bright smile. ‘I sure hope so! Those intense migraines ought to go away after a day, I’m sure.’

They finish their brunch all the while making small talk, all carefully avoiding the main topics at court. No one is even remotely mentioning Olivia or Madeleine or anything like that. Just pleasant, completely phony conversation.

As Liam gets ready to leave, Hana offers to accompany him to his car, which he gladly accepts. Once they are alone, she asks him, ‘Liam, are you ok?’

He chuckles, ‘I look like shit, don’t I?’

Hana is surprised to hear him curse. He’s always seen him very prim and proper, except when he was propositioning Amara. This time, it’s different. He really doesn’t look well. Still, she lies, ‘No, you look great! You just seem… preoccupied.’

He sighs and looks her in the eye. ‘I have no idea what I’m going to do, Hana. Truly no idea.’

Hana squeezes his arm and says, ‘If you need to talk about it, maybe you and I could grab coffee in Portavira tomorrow? Just a friend date, so you can put all your thoughts out there.’

He smiles, ‘I’d like that very much.’

Once Liam gone, she heads back inside, where the Beaumonts are finishing up their coffee in silence. She can tell that Max is dying to ask Bertrand about his lie, but is containing himself. Still, Hana wants to know. She needs to be bolder, just like she has been recently. So, she asks, ‘Bertrand, can I ask you something?’

He takes one last sip of his coffee and says matter-of-factly, ‘I had to make something up. I couldn’t let Liam get suspicious.’

Hana’s jaw drops. ‘What--what do you mean?’

Bertrand smiles faintly. ‘I’m not blind, Hana. I see what’s going on. I just don’t think Liam needs to know right now.’

Max’s eyes are the size of cantaloupes. ‘What do you mean you know what’s going on?’

‘Come on, Maxxie. Drake and Amara. It’s obvious.’

Max shakes his head and asks hesitantly, ‘You’re--you’re not mad?’

Bertrand snorts, ‘Oh dear, do you really see me as a grumpy old man who can’t rejoice for two people in love?’ He rolls his eyes. ‘Plus, with all the crap that’s raining on us right now, it’s nice that at least two of us are happy. Yass Kween, right Max?’

*****

‘Drake, can you come here?’

Drake is setting up their lunch table in the backyard, when Amara calls him from the kitchen. ‘Coming!’ he says.

‘I can’t find the baking powder, could you point me to it?’

He smiles, and digs deep in the cupboard where the baking powder is behind a bunch of cans. ‘Here you go, babe. How’s the batter going?’

She smiles excitedly. ‘Great! I cut the pineapple in little pieces, and plus I found some coconut shavings in your pantry, so I’m adding that to the cake.’

He chuckles as he sees that her face is covered with flour. She must not be very gentle when mixing her batter. ‘Where’s your phone? I gotta take a picture of your face right now, it’s priceless!’

‘Oh come on,’ she says, attemting to wipe her face. ‘It’s over there, if you insist on making fun of me.’

He picks up her phone, and notices the multiple missed calls. ‘Um, Amara? Did you see this?’

‘Hm?’ she asks absentmindedly, adding the baking powder to her mixing bowl.

He shows her her phone. ‘Michael. He called you eight times, just today, and it’s only like 6am in New York.’

He hates himself right away for bringing it up, when he sees the cloud loom over her eyes. ‘I know. I’m just not ready to talk to him.’

Drake nods. ‘I get it. He texted you, too, you don’t want to at least read what he wrote?’

‘No,’ she says curtly. ‘I know he’s going to apologize, that’s what my dad said. I don’t want to hear it now, I don’t want to think about it. I’ll deal with it another time.’ She pauses. ‘I know what it must look like.’

He closes the distance between them and wraps his arms around her. ‘It looks like you’re hurting and I want to help you get better, because I love you.’

She nods, obviously fighting back tears. ‘I love you too. I appreciate you wanting to help me…’

‘Hey, you’re helping me find my sister. we have each other’s backs, ok?’

‘Fair. But the situation with your sister is promising. It holds hope. My situation with Michael is fucked. He will never see me as his sister ever again. I’ll always be the person who failed his entire family.’

Drake holds her tighter. ‘I hope you know that it’s not true. Remember what your father said. Forgive yourself.’

She nods and offers a faint smile. ‘I’m trying, Drake. I really, really am. But for right now, I think the best way for me to do that is to keep some distance between me and Michael. It hurts us both too much. Hopefully someday…’

She trails off, plants a kiss on Drake’s lips, and continues mixing her batter. Drake watches her intently, his heart aching for her. He wants to take away the pain. But really, he’s probably making it worse, comparing her situation to his own with Sav. Sav is alive, and Drake will, hopefully, see his little sister soon.

Amara will never see her brother again.

But Drake can’t help but think about what she had told him about her bond with Michael. That they used to be like siblings. He hopes that, one day, she finds this bond again.

‘Do you want a beer with lunch?’ he asks, trying to lighten the mood.

Without looking up from her mixing bowl, which should be completely mixed by now, she says ‘Sure, if you’re having one.’

*****

Amara doesn’t want to ruin the moment. No, on the contrary, these moments spent with Drake in the cabin are so special, so happy, that she wants nothing more than to enjoy them. But she has a lump in her throat now, that she can’t swallow just yet. Not Drake’s fault, not at all. He doesn’t understand completely, how could he? He’s lost people he loved, of course, but not by his own fault. Not in circumstances that he could have avoided.

He understands her well otherwise. She’s never had a connection like this one in her life, not ever. She knows what he’s trying to do, too. He wants her to reconnect with Michael and find the sibling connection that they lost along with Sergio. But she knows that she can’t force that. They both need the space, even if Michael isn’t aware of it right now.

She wonders for a second if something is truly wrong, and if she should in fact call him back, or at least read his texts before deleting them. She shakes her head. No, if anything was wrong, Dad would call. Amara had answered every single text from her dad and Nancy during her time in Cordonia. After her dad’s heart attack, she never took a chance with a missed call.

Once the cake is in the oven, she sets the times --that damn cockblocking timer-- and joins Drake outside. When she sees his face, she realizes right away that he feels bad for insisting earlier. Her heart melts a bit. She’s been too harsh, too radical with him. He just wants her to be happy.

She softens and smiles, kissing his cheek before sitting at the table.

‘You ok?’ he asks.

‘Yeah. Sorry about earlier. I get why you said all that, and I love that you want the best for me. Thank you.’

He smiles, visibly more relaxed, and kisses her hand. He holds on to it for a while.

*****

Madeleine checks her phone for an answer from the middleman. Finally, her screen lights up.

It is booked. Arrival Friday morning.

She suppresses a smile. Her idea was retained. She knows they have something else in store for her, something big and public apparently, but she thinks they need more ammo for this bitch. Something more personal. Something to break her.

Oh well, they’ll see on Friday.

For now, she needs to make nice with the others. She puts on her best fake smile, and heads to Kiara’s room, who she knows is getting ready for a one-on-one with Liam in a few hours.

‘Knock knock!’ Madeleine says out loud.

‘Entrez!’ she hears Kiara reply.

Ugh, she thinks. Why is this bitch constantly speaking French? Madeleine had always thought that French was a language for whores and peasants. But she has to keep that smile on. She can’t make all enemies. ‘Hi, Kiara,’ she says. ‘Want some company?’

Kiara is sitting at her vanity and she is putting on makeup. ‘Oui, avec plaisir!’

Madeleine comes in and closes the door behind her. ‘So, are you ready for the big date?’

‘Oh I definitely am,’ Kiara purrs. Madeleine can’t believe that Kiara has a date with Liam before her, but oh well. Soon enough, everything will be under control.

‘Do you know where he is taking you?’

‘I think he wants to go get a drink and take a stroll through the Capital. It should be fun!’

Madeleine nods, keeping up appearances. She and Kiara were close, once. When they were younger and probably more naive, full of dreams and hope. Before Leo fucked it all up and made Madeleine have to go get things on her own instead of simply sitting back and relaxing. Back when Kiara wanted to bone Walker, and marry a diplomat. And now that stupid bitch thinks she has a shot at being an actual Queen? Ha! If she could, Madeleine would laugh.

Madeleine responds, ‘Yes, you will have fun, I have no doubt. Now, is that what you’re wearing?’

*****

‘Babe, look at my cake! I think I didn’t fuck it up!’

Drake looks over his shoulder while he’s doing the dishes. ‘Wow, that cake looks fucking delicious. Well done!’

Amara beams. The cook of the house, complimenting her cake? She definitely is a decent baker, but it’s been a while since she has baked something, unless you count that apple pie competition at Applewood Manor, or as Drake refers to it, the ‘apple shit’.

She used to bake with her mom, back in the day, but of course she would only do the mixing and the bowl licking, and none of the oven business, she was too little for that.

‘Alright,’ she says, ‘now i’m gonna make a pitcher of margarita.’ As Drake opens his mouth to say something, she pursues, ‘Or maybe two. Two, right? It’s Max and Liv we’re talking about.’

‘My thoughts exactly,’ Drake chuckles.

Before getting started on the lime juice and tequila, she goes over to Drake and hugs him. ‘I’m so happy to be here with you.’

‘I’m happy too, babe. It feels right to have you here.’

As if on cue, there is a knock on the door. Amara can already hear Max and Hana joke around on the other side of the door. She kisses Drake’s cheek and goes over to open.

‘It’s us, bitches!’ Maxwell yells. ‘And we brought Olivia!’

*****

Taglist:

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Thank you for your encouragements, everyone! Let me know if you want to be added to the taglist :)

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