#and idk to his kids i guess him being verbally abusive would work for his character? but it doesnt feel right to me

[yuridovewing]

phone died so i couldn't post, but im gonna be like au speculating as i go through these and i want a good amount of them to be Somewhat rooted in canon? and man i gotta figure out whats just the erins being bad at establishing genuine connections between characters and a character genuinely being distant.

anyways is it just me or does bramblestar feel very distant from his children here

#he has a nice talk with alderpaw when he fails to catch anything on day 1 but he feels weirdly emotionless towards them? #i mean im a ''bramble is a bad dad to both litters'' truther but im wondering how much is like intentional #or me just looking too much into things #actually i wont take too many piss shots at the fandom here (too many) #but this person sucks so ill do it real quick. i actually think dr********r's au where brambles a bad dad to alder #is interesting in concept. like hes ashamed of his kid for not being a great hunter so he shoves him in the medicine den #and later into another clan #buuuuuut tbh i dont really like the way they went about it? like bramble berating alder in the den doesnt feel right #bramble is more the passive aggressive type i feel. at least in my au he is #sometimes more aggressive than passive but thats his main form of being towards his family #like. he doesnt physically abuse squilf. but he DOES berate and isolate her #and idk to his kids i guess him being verbally abusive would work for his character? but it doesnt feel right to me #i think if i had to go at that au itd be more like. bramble keeps negging his kid. getting at his skin #not talking to him in public even when alder calls out his name. downplaying his achievements #''oh. you finally caught a mouse. ok. thats good progress i suppose. keep at it'' #idk subtle stuff like that that eats at alder's insecurities over and over and over until he snaps #and THATS when bramble snaps at him. then he pins the blame on alder for snapping first #and then he goes on about how alder is embarassing him and needs to ''go do something else'' #and alder chooses to be a medicine cat on his own but its bc hes been worn down and is ashamed of his skills #rather than him being shoved in the den bc ngl i really dislike the idea that being a doctor is ass #and you go be a doctor when youre a failure at everything #if i had to do it id have alder deciding be one bc he feels like hes horrible at what his dad does #and maybe actually i wouldnt keep him as a medicine cat. idk why i dont like him being one but i dont. maybe ill see why later #but he decides its not for him and goes back to being a warrior without his dad breathing down his neck. #wait i was talking abt the shadowclan au. or he goes to shadowclan instead yippee #avos liveread

[alsopartgekkos]

A Sallow Grave - what did go wrong and why

So, a try to delve a bit into the whole quest situation, because for one I love trying to analyse stuff, and Seb has some unearthing of his sallow ass to do. Buckle up.

Spoilers for Sebastian Sallow’s questline, mentions of death, psychological abuse and just general rumblings in no particular order.

Part one of idk how many.

And for a start probably I need to say, that nothing in that questline was okay. And though I do not agree with Sebastian's actions, it’s interesting to see how everything led to this exact outcome, and how he is, undoubtedly, more a result of his upbringing and problematic teenagehood, rather than was inclined or destined to something inherently.

So let's start up with early childhood, shall we? 

Little is known about the twins in earlier years, but they were raised in a full family, and their parents were described as passionate academics, passing thirst for knowledge and optimistic, open minded mindset to their children. It’s noted that they would spend days in the cellar, probably often leaving both Sebastian and Anne to themselves, which undoubtedly resulted in a strong bond between the two. Even years later for Sebastian it's never only just “my sister”, he underlines multiple times that Ann is his twin, the other missing half. 

However tragic events come to pass, and due incident Mr. and Ms. Sallow are gone, and since it’s noted that usually children with magical ability exhibit it by the age of seven, the twins could’ve been between age 5 to 7, where children undergo most important psychological development. They were left on their own, just the two of them, Sebastian subconsciously later opting the role of a fatherly figure, a protector, probably the elder twin. They also left their home - the place holding happiest memories, for Feldcroft and living with their uncle. 

Let us not actually forget that technically, and by Victorian standards no less, both Anne and Sebastian are orphans. Yes, they live with Solomon and he does provide for them, but they are perceived as two different entities altogether. There’s Solomon Sallow, separately, and there are the twins, and although it is never truly stated or hinted whenever wizards had different, more prodigious social structure, Sebastian and Solomon do verbally differentiate between the family. And they’re lucky in a way, because staying with close family is still better than any other sort of a magical orphanage.

The trick is, though, that Solomon as a person, probably was not ready for what he was dealing with, nor has the qualities of a child caretaker. He’s a former Auror: sure, providing safety for two kids, but he’s a battle worn veteran, who gave up the work of his life, plagued by his own wrongdoings [and not having luxury of therapy, let’s be honest], possibly troubled feelings against his brother and most likely PTSD in the form of rage fits. Which is no good thing for a child to be around. 

[Enter the fanon territory, following by the post here, I do think there was some sort of sibling rivalry between Solomon and his brother, and I think that he was to a degree enamoured with the twins' mother. It’s really easy to spot in their conversations, that being “his father’s son” is his own trauma projected into a child, whilst Sebastian can’t comprehend why it’s a bad thing. For him father is a happy memory and a role model, this bright inquisitive mind. For Solomon his brother is, probably, an example of passion going too far, of obsession, his own lost opportunities. And he sees Sebastian growing to be just the same, even before Anne is cursed he’d been this way, so I assume there’s something going on there. Besides well asserting dominance in the household, bc somebody didn’t live well though Aedipus complex I guess.]

Being tasked with bringing up two kids isn’t easy even for a full family, let alone a man with issues, so we start at that. And before Hogwarts became an outlet for both Sebastian and Anne, about 5 years passed, where both of them were mostly formed as people. 

We can assume from what both Anne and Sebastian tell, the relationship with their uncle has always been tense. And it’s easy to see why except for the above.

In the scene where he destroys a Shivelfig he is the one to get verbally aggressive first, and when blames his own outburst and Anne’s following seizure to be Sebastian’s fault. And something tells me that’s not the first time such an argument arises. [As Anne mentions below]

It’s certainly a gaslighting tactic to justify himself [Seb and his uncle have lots in common haven't they sometimes]. And that “what have you done” rhetoric stays with his uncle for the rest of the narrative, and is ultimately a poor communication method. He also intrudes in their safe moment of connection, overseeing the conversation, not to mention that he intrudes in their personal space with little regard to understand what happens [not even minding MC as a matter of fact]. 

After a shot argument he practically sends Sebastian, who only arrived, off, perfectly knowing what kind of bond the siblings have. It is a cruel thing to do, no matter how well justified. And acts with utter nerve as if nothing happened, casually dismissing MC in the conversation, getting quickly frustrated if their point of view does not align with his. It’s something many have experienced with a strict [and often unloving] parent. Not to mention he apologises on behalf of his nephew for some reason, not on his own, like sir you were rude.

[an interesting tidbit: he’s not looking at Sebastian. He’s looking straight at Anne, as if to make sure she understands that she shall not hope for the best and accept his better judgement as the only outcome. As Sebastian says “she’s not herself” ever since she stayed with Solomon, and if that isn’t a red flag well idk.]

And if you look at Sebastian [actually two times, second being with the relic], he’s absolutely helpless. His tantrums and his anger is not the first reaction to aggression. It’s fear. He watches hopelessly, brows raised and ashamed, how his uncle turns his achievements, his work into nothingness and he does not respond back immediately. [Which can be another form of response to domestic abuse] Because there’s still a child there, who is listening to what is said to him. And it’s absolutely heartbreaking to see.

#sebastian sallow #hogwarts legacy #anne sallow #solomon sallow #sebastian sallow headcanon #if only these two could speak words through their mouths this whole shit could've been avoided #send uncle to therapy

[gamerwoo]

Wonwoo: Achilles (Part Four)

Characters: Wonwoo x female reader

Genre/warnings: attack on titan au, technically enemies to lovers???, angst but also angsty fluff??? fluffy angst???? idk one of the two lmao but there’s also straight angst, verbal/physical abuse, one mention of lying about sa, one mention of suicide, if i missed anything else pls lmk!!

Word count: 3,051

Summary: With a title like ‘humanity’s strongest soldier’, Wonwoo is the best of the best with zero weaknesses. But when the female titan betrays the scouts and runs away to Marley, Seungcheol decides to enlist the help of you: one of the people aboard the Marleyan ship sent out to sabotage them. And it’s then that Wonwoo discovers his one weakness that might just be his downfall.

a/n: remember that this series will contain spoilers if you’re not caught up with attack on titan!! also things in italics are flashbacks

Previous | Next | Achilles Masterlist

“You’re nothing,” the words were spat in your face while you just sat on your knees and took it. It wasn’t like there was much you could do even if you wanted to, but you learned it was best to just say nothing and show no emotion -- even if it meant they called you a braindead moron. “You’re just another useless Eldian-- No, you’re worse than an Eldian. You’re more braindead than a normal one. You’re completely useless.”

You continued to stare blankly at the Marleyan who had you by the hair. His grip hurt you, but you didn’t show any indication of it. You always thought that if they knew they were hurting you, they’d just want to do it more.

Back when you first had the idea to not react -- you were a young child and noticed that the Eldian kids who cried and pleaded for the Marleyans to stop just seemed to egg them on -- they would try harder to get a reaction. Sometimes, some of them still did because they wanted to be the one to ‘break the braindead Eldian’. But mostly, they’d throw you into the dirt, spit on you, and walk away.

But there were still guys like this Marleyan, who wanted so badly to be the one to get a reaction from you. That, or maybe he just wanted something to take his anger out on. Maybe his kids didn’t love him. Maybe his wife left him. You weren’t sure.

He shoved your head down into a bucket of freezing water. You tried not to react to it, your eyes squeezing shut as your breath was forced out of your lungs from how cold it was. But he kept holding you there, waiting for you to start thrashing.

But you’d sooner pass out than do that.

“_____!”

You were staring out at the ocean, the moon being mirrored off the surface. You blinked a couple times before turning your head to look at Soonyoung, who sat on the beach a couple feet away from you. He offered a soft smile.

“You okay?” he asked. “I said your name like, 3 times.”

You nodded, “Yeah. Just...thinking.”

“‘Bout what?” he wondered.

“Home.”

He furrowed his eyebrows, “You can’t actually miss that place, right?”

You shook your head, “They weren’t homesick thoughts.”

His face softened, and he looked down at the sand the two of you sat on. His legs were apart with his knees up, his arms resting on them. You were sitting with your legs outstretched in front of you, looking down the beach at the water. The two of you were supposed to be on lookout in case anyone invaded. You were working in shifts, but Wonwoo was supposed to be showing up to take over for Soonyoung any minute now.

“So...what was Marley like?” Soonyoung wondered.

You shrugged, “It was a nice place visually. It was the people who lived there who ruined it.”

“Is it like here?”

“No, it was more... I don’t know. Fancier, I guess? For lack of a better word. It’s kind of like the interior, but nicer.”

“Whoa...”

While Soonyoung mulled over that thought, you studied him. You wondered what you would’ve been like if you’d grown up on Paradis like he did. Even though the people who lived on the island were looked at as devils and were constantly fighting for their lives, Soonyoung somehow always seemed so happy and carefree. But you? You hardly spoke a word in your life up until being sent off to the island. 

Honestly, you were happier ever since coming to Paradis. Yeah, maybe Wonwoo gave you a hard time, but even he was mostly just amusing to make grumpy.

Speak of the devil... you thought, as you heard footsteps begin to get louder behind you.

“Alright, get lost,” his familiar voice suddenly said behind the two of you.

Soonyoung jumped before he whipped his head around, looking up at the captain, “A warning might be nice, you freak.”

“Just go,” Wonwoo told him in a bored tone, ignoring the insult. “You need all the rest you can get.”

Soonyoung pushed himself to stand up, saying goodnight to you and swearing under his breath at Wonwoo before leaving the beach. Wonwoo took Soonyoung’s spot a couple feet away from you, and even sat in the same position he had.

“So Marley’s nicer than the interior, huh?” Wonwoo questioned.

You let out a sigh, “Do you always eavesdrop on conversations?”

“And what if I only do it to you?” he smirked.

You rolled your eyes, “You also seem to only be this annoying toward me. What, you got a crush on me or something?”

He scoffed, looking back toward the ocean, “You wish.”

“I’d rather get crunched by Chan, but whatever helps you sleep at night.”

A silence fell between the two of you, but it didn’t feel awkward or uncomfortable. It felt...nothing. It was like you were sitting on the beach alone.

After just sitting there listening to the waves, you finally spoke up, “Can I ask you something?”

“Even if I say no, you’ll run your big mouth anyway,” he sighed, staring across the ocean.

You chose to ignore him, instead asking what you'd been wondering ever since you saw Wonwoo interact with his comrades.

"Why haven't you hit me yet?"

His head snapped toward you suddenly, eyes watching you from behind round glasses. You continued to stare out at the ocean, but Wonwoo just sat silently, waiting for you to elaborate on your question.

When you didn't he asked, "You want me to hit you?"

You shrugged, finally looking back at him, "You do it to Soonyoung all the time. And Mingyu. And Jun. And literally everyone else who gets on your nerves. You've physically threatened the others, but you've never done that to me. So why not?"

It was like a staring contest. He stared at you, his expression unreadable. So you stared back, waiting for a response.

Finally, after what felt like an eternity but was realistically maybe no more than 4 or 5 seconds, Wonwoo scoffed and turned back to the view, "You ask too many questions."

"And you don't give enough answers," you replied, mimicking his actions.

There was another silence that was neither comfortable nor uncomfortable. It continued to feel like you were just sitting on your own, staring at the moonlight reflecting off the water. You weren't sure how long you sat like that, but neither of you broke it for at least a few minutes.

"So what happened to you?"

Wonwoo's voice probably should've made you jump since it was sudden, breaking through the soft sounds of the waves. But somehow, it didn't startle you.

Neither of you broke your gaze away from the water, but you were kind of happy his scrutinizing eyes weren't on you. You felt like he was always judging you or studying you whenever he looked at you, and while you knew why, you still didn't like it. You felt like a science experiment.

Then again, it was better than being looked at with disgust.

"You know what happened to me," you replied with a breath.

"But I want to know the details," he pressed.

You were the first to look away now, "Why?"

He met your eyes, explaining, "You're still an unknown to us. You could turn on us at any point still, actually. So I require more knowledge on you in case you do decide to become a traitor -- if you're not secretly one already."

It was your turn to scoff now, rolling your eyes, "Yeah right. If you knew everything I went through, you'd feel like an idiot even thinking I'd help them."

"So then prove me wrong."

"Okay," you nodded, but you paused, "only if you tell me about you first."

He chuckled, but more because he found your request silly rather than amusing, "Why?"

You shrugged, "To me, you're the unknown. I know your name is Wonwoo and you're the captain. You're Seungcheol's best friend and right-hand man. And I heard before that you 'owe him' for some reason, and I wanna know what and why."

For a second, Wonwoo seemed surprised that you knew about him and Seungcheol, but then he softly chuckled and nodded while he looked down at the sand, "Yeah, I should've expected word would travel to you. But to be fair, nobody knows the whole story."

"Well I want the whole story. Then I'll talk."

He seemed to consider your deal for a moment, continuing to stare at the sand before he took a deep breath and looked back out to where the sky met the ocean. He let out his breath in a soft hum, and then was silent for another beat.

"There's an underground city where a lot of less fortunate people live," he began. "It's full of...grime and poverty... Once you're down there, it's almost impossible to come up to the surface. And the air down there is awful. A lot of people have medical issues because there's no fresh air or sunlight.

"Well, my dad passed away before I was born because of those medical issues. My mom died during childbirth, so I was left all alone as soon as I was born. They had no choice but to let me up to the surface to be placed into a children's home because there aren't any down below, and there was nobody to take me in. Even as a baby, I was treated differently, and the fact I was born in the underground followed me as I grew up. Kids were brutal, and they got even worse as we got older. I got spit on and beat up at first, but it started turning into being held down in the river or getting threatened with knives and whatever kids and teenagers could use as weapons. I fought back at first, and I got good at fighting. But suddenly, everyone around me was hitting growth spurts or putting on weight, and I was...unfortunately, pretty small compared to everyone else. So instead, I learned not to react because that made them want to hurt me more. It made them realize they got a rise out of me and they liked that."

Yeah, that sounds familiar, you thought, but you kept your comments to yourself, letting Wonwoo talk.

"I decided it was best to sneak back to the underground, so that's what I did. I stayed there for a couple years, until I was older and taller and bigger. Nobody down there treated me differently, but there were still some troubled kids who picked fights, and I would just fight because I wanted to stay tough so I could eventually go back to the surface and give those stupid kids a taste of their own medicine.

"In between all that, though, I had realized that because I found a way to sneak in, I could sneak back out. So I started stealing things from the surface to give to people underground. Some people would give me some spare change in return, and at first, I didn't want it. I had nothing, but that didn't mean I wanted what little other people had, y'know? But then I saw some guy selling ODM gear on the black market and I wanted it. I knew it would help me, so I started accepting anything people gave me so I could save up for it. And when I got it, I spent forever teaching myself how to use it and how to be good with it.

"I started spending more time on the surface, and I eventually ran into some of the kids who really abused me when we were younger. I was at least a head taller than them now, and I had gotten really strong from all the fights I'd get into and from training myself with the ODM gear, so I won most of the fights against guys my age. But there was one time... I don't even remember the kid, but I beat him up pretty bad. I honestly probably would've gotten arrested again but nobody from the Garrison was around, and I guess the kid went straight to his dad instead."

He was lost in thought, staring out at the ocean but his eyes weren't really fixed on it. He was somewhere else completely.

"I noticed these big guys following me, so I went down some alley hoping maybe I was just paranoid for whatever reason. Like I said, I was angry a lot. I felt like everyone was out to get me because people just...were. But they followed me down there. They managed to catch up to me, and it was the kid's dad and some of his friends. It was hard to fight off men who were at least 2 decades older than me, and they probably would've beaten me to death if they could.

"But Seungcheol was there. He showed up out of nowhere. He had only recently become Commander, and nobody really knew what to think of him just yet. But he scared off the guys and got me on his horse and took me to get patched up and healed. I guess he'd seen me once getting away from the market on the ODM gear. I had stolen some fruit and the merchant was after me, but the Garrison couldn't care less about helping them. He asked around and heard more about me from the Garrison Regiment since I had gotten arrested a couple times -- thankfully, never with my ODM gear so they could never confiscate it. He had been scoping me out for a little while after that. He said he wanted me on the Scouts. I had nothing and nobody, so I figured why not. Now I have people and something to live for."

You weren't sure why, after all of that, the first thing you asked was, "So you do care about the Scouts?"

But that was what you asked.

Wonwoo chuckled, dropping his head down to his knees that were bent, his arms resting on them. Then he looked at you, still smiling, "Yeah, I care about my friends in the Scouts. They're pains in my ass, but I'd do anything for them. Especially Seungcheol. He gave me a purpose.

"Now it's your turn," he reminded you with a smirk. "Talk, Marleyan."

You let out a sigh, not nearly putting in as much thought or heart into your story as Wonwoo had with his.

"I was born to an Eldian and a Marleyan, but if you're even partly Eldian, you're not seen as Marleyan at all. You get treated as an Eldian. My mom was Marleyan and had fallen in love with my dad, but when it was found out that she had me with an Eldian, she suddenly turned the narrative around and claimed he had come onto her. That got him executed, so I was put into an Eldian children's home."

You barely heard Wonwoo chuckle softly, but that was all.

"I found out my mom committed suicide not too long after, so I was alone -- not that she would've wanted to take me in anyway. The children's home for Eldian's was basically a lawless land. There were bugs and rats everywhere, all our clothes and bedding were dirty, and there was hardly enough food to feed all of us.

"Anyway, not much happened there. Marleyans would say mean things to us sometimes they'd push us around and beat us up if they saw us, but that was it. I got kicked out of the home when I was of age. I worked some small, shitty jobs until I eventually went into the military because I needed something to do and I needed somewhere to live because I could never get enough money for housing. Word traveled pretty quickly about me. Because I stopped responding to the abuse, I was known as the braindead Eldian, so a lot of soldiers were disgusted I was there, but they figured they could use me for simple jobs like cleaning or cooking. Then, when they came up with their big plan to kidnap Jiwoo, they decided to use me since I was expendable.

"And," you finished with a deep sigh. still looking out at the water and how the moon and stars reflected on it, "now here we are."

Wonwoo's response was, surprisingly, to chuckle. You glanced at him, giving him a look that was partly offended and partly confused, but he was still looking out at the water.

"I give you my detailed life story and you just skip out on everything?" he asked, shaking his head. "That's pretty unfair."

"Because it was all the same shit. Nothing interesting happened. Kinda sounded like your story, anyway."

He let some air out through his nose as he nodded slowly, "Yeah, guess so."

There was a moment of silence. You still looked at Wonwoo expectantly, but he was looking out at the ocean. You knew he could feel your stare on him, but you could tell he was choosing to ignore it.

"So?" you finally pressed.

He looked at you, "So what?"

"Do you still think I'm gonna turn on you or whatever?"

He shrugged, "Maybe. The chance is always there."

You huffed and looked back at the ocean. This seemed to amuse him because he let out a quiet laugh.

"What's the issue, princess?"

You rolled your eyes at the nickname but said nothing about it, replying, "I don't understand you."

"Which part?"

"Why would you bother trusting me with all of that if you think I could be a traitor? Seems pretty counterintuitive to me."

You didn't think Wonwoo was going to answer because your question was followed by silence. You continued to look at the water for a few seconds of silence. At least 10 must've passed.

Those whole 10 seconds, though, Wonwoo was looking at you. He was studying your profile in the moonlight, eyes softening as an almost sad smile tugged at his lips that you didn't see. And then he slowly turned back to the view.

"I dunno," he mumbled. "Guess you just...remind me of someone."

»»———-　　———-««

tag list (italics are unable to tag): @ohchangyu [if you’d like to be added to the tag list, please fill out this form!!!]

perma tag list (italics are unable to tag): @minluvly @honeyylin @miki-chi @heemingyu @noraehey @awkwardnesshabitat @floweryjessy @woozarts @anothershorthuman @shuabby1994 @vernxnsfool @ti--red @etaerealboy @plants-w0rld @futuristiccomputerkitten-blog @thepencilkorner @dejavernon @slut-for-dabi @pussymode @iamxelia @itbtoblikethatsometimes @wonderfulshinee @aikisbbq @ohmykwonsoonyoung @just-a-really-bored-kpop-fan @merapehlapyaaradhoorarahgaya @saythenameseventeen178 @starlight-night0 @ulavenger64king @woo8hao @lillijay @twistedsiren @xxluckydreamsxx @dwaekkiracha @ssstraykiss @lukeys-giggle @bobrouxsky @vensweety @justwonus-recs @lovethyfandoms2 @zonked-times @cello--190 @animefreak2112 @clairince77 @wh0r3mir4 @ashxxgyu @yeetmehome @kpopssuregi @duskunt1ldawn @d7n3 @mockyhime @sweetlylemon @angelamazing @thimg-1 @bagibagi

#k-labels #seventeen #wonwoo #seventeen au #seventeen imagine #seventeen oneshot #seventeen scenario #seventeen fanfic #seventeen series #seventeen imagines #seventeen oneshots #seventeen scenarios #seventeen fanfics #wonwoo au #wonwoo imagine #wonwoo scenario #wonwoo fanfic #wonwoo oneshot #wonwoo series #wonwoo imagines #wonwoo scenarios #wonwoo fanfics #wonwoo oneshots

[trlly]

Abused :/

Hi, I didn't know where else to put this but I've been thinking a lot about something that happened to me a long time ago and I felt the need to get it out in some form so i guess there's no better place to put it than here. Its kind of a long story but i feel its all relevant so bear with me. 

When i was young I didn't grow up with very many friends. Of course, around that age most kids don't have very many friends except those they might have in school or maybe a couple cousins who they spent a lot of time with. For me, it was the latter. My cousin Dante was my best friend and i spent every summer with him doing everything from playing video games, running around in the wood, fishing. Whatever we did; we did together. That was until my dad lost his dad and felt the need to move to Colorado. Suddenly, everyone I've ever known was now almost an entire country away from me and i had to start fresh. If you knew me now you’d assume i would have struggled to make friends once i moved to Colorado but to be honest, i made friends almost instantly. Ryan and Austin were the first people id consider actual friends to me. The only issue is Ryan and Austin were kind of the problem children. I'm not going to say they were the worst kids in the country but just a little too much edge for me to feel comfortable. Its not like i was some goody two shoes or something but lets just say i cried when i said my first curse word. I was just a lil baby. Austin actually gave me my first porno i ever saw. Well, I didn't actually watch it but it was the first porno disc i ever saw. I ended up throwing it away because i was scared id get caught with it. Anyways, after that i drifted quickly away from the two and found my new friend Clayton. 

Clayton was cool. He liked video games which i guess in hindsight is pretty much the only barrier to entry when it comes to me. Clayton introduced me to a bigger group of friends who ended up being the group that would for the most part stick together all through high school. This is kinda where things take a turn for the worse so trigger warning for here on out. So the larger group consisted of me, Joel, Clayton, and Sawyer with a few others coming in and out over the years. Joel immediately took on the “leadership” role simply because he was the most charismatic and he had the most stuff which i guess is how things work for kids idk. After spending sometime with the group I quickly noticed issues with everyone's family life. Claytons parents were very conservative and Christian and were VERY strict with everything he did. We were rarely allowed over, he was rarely allowed to hang out with us. If his grades slipped he was punished. If he didn't do exactly what they said he was punished. It was so severe that he wasn't allowed to drink monster energy drinks which at the time were huge. And while i agree kids shouldn't drink energy drinks, claytons parents would take it so far as to beat him if he was caught with one. I remember very vividly the amount of fear he had for his parents. Joel on the other hand suffered verbal abuse. And while i never was able to confirm it, i think there was an instance where Joel was also beat. His parents were also conservative Christians. With Joel's parents, the expectations weren't quite so high but everything he did was ridiculed. Everything was second guessed, everything was questioned. They pushed Joel to the edge and the second he decided to push back he was threatened with military school. Sawyer parents were more of the same. I mention this only to give an idea about why they all turned out the way they did.

When you start to map things out the way I've done hundreds of times it very clear to see what went wrong. Abuse begets abuse and it really haunts my soul to have seen what happened to them. The story with Clayton is a little bit more simple. After our freshmen year of highschool he started hanging out with the worst people and got hooked on Meth. We all stopped hanging out with him after that. The last time i saw him he was in rehab which is good but he looked horrible. It broke my heart to see that. Sawyer probably got away from it the least scared. He really got into taking shrooms but the last time i saw him he looked ok. To be perfectly honest i mention sawyer the least in this because out of everyone, hes the only person i wish i was still friends with. He hurt me the least. The history with Joel is the most complicated. 

Going back in time a bit, despite the issues they had, things were great. We all had an incredible amount of fun and spent as much time together as we could. But it seemed like overnight he changed. He went from being a chubby anime nerd who played PlayStation with me and showed me what Smosh was to some weird skinny death metal hipster who hated everything. And you know what? I dug it. He was right. Everything did suck and our teen angst made everything seem so much worse. Cant imagine what that's like for kids now. I was just unfamiliar with it all but i didn't care. I embraced it all the same. See, before i met Joel i knew very little about everything. I didn't know what Anime was, i never heard of Devil May Cry, id never even had fish before. As a kid, i would just watch wrestling and buy whatever game was cheap. I didn't watch TV and i didn't have internet so if it wasn't within my field of view, i would never hear about it. Then i met Joel and suddenly my whole world view completely changed. He started showing me all sorts of cool stuff and it was fun and exciting and new. But after he made that switch in personality all that stuff i lacked started to become slights against me. For some reason they became reasons to attack me. “What, you've never heard of One Piece? What are you some kind of stupid piece of shit?”. At first i didn't take it too seriously. I thought it was just hazing. Just what friends do. You know that meme of how the meaner guys are to each other the closer their friendship was? Yea, i thought it was that. I wasn't the biggest fan of it but if it meant i had friends i would deal with it. 

My self esteem was in rapid decline as we approached highschool. I was never happy with myself but i started to have outside sources feeding negativity into me and it was making things ten times worse. Joel was really good at picking at me in little ways that would drive me crazy and when i would snap back he would he would say “Why are you acting so crazy? Its not that big of a deal. You're being weird”. And he made me think he was right. It feels like an over reaction to get upset when someone does something mildly annoying but the way he would do it... Joel was very good at manipulating me. I don't know how to describe it. He just made me feel crazy. And while doing so he would find ways to pull me in closer. Like i felt like if i didn't have Joel i would have nothing. And that i would rather die than have nothing. So i just took it. I took all the abuse. After a while Joel began the process of self sabotage. He would get into fights and ruin friendships over incredibly small things. I would show up to school and ask where somebody was and he would just say “Hopefully rotting in a fucking ditch” and i would just know that i was no longer friends with that person. I was so attached to Joel that whatever he did affected me. If he stopped being friends with someone i would have to stop being friends. And Joel moved fast to. Unpredictably sometimes. I wouldn't even know there was an issue until it was over. He isolated me. There was a point in time where if i had gained the courage to stop being friends with Joel i could have had other friends but Joel had gotten me to the point where i had run out of options. I hated him. I hated how much control he held over me. I hated how i let him do everything he did to me. It reached a point where my self esteem got so low that i told myself that id rather sacrifice my mental health to make Joel feel better than make Joel upset because i couldn't bare the idea of losing him as a friend. 

I thought things would get better after Highschool. In a way they did. The dynamic had changed. The plan was for all of us to move in together. Me, Joel, Sawyer, and another friend named Kevin. But i was terrified of moving in with them. I knew how bad Joel was and i didn't want to be around him that much. I finally gained some courage and told Sawyer that i wasn't going to move in with them. I was promptly stripped from the group and everyone immediately stopped talking to me. I stood up for myself and my biggest fear came true and i was alone. Everyone i could have been friends with i left behind in highschool. I stayed loyal to someone i never should have and it bit me in the ass. I became incredibly depressed. I few months passed and Kevin had hit me up. He told me after i was dropped from the group everything had fell apart. Joel and Sawyer got into a fight and weren't speaking and now nobody was moving in with anyone. Eventually Joel hit me up as well and we started hanging out again. Joel had gotten himself a girlfriend and for a little bit things were good. Until Joel told me that he was having problems with his family. I thought i was being nice when i told him he could move in with me. After all, I had been used to doing everything i could to make Joel happy. Joel accepted my offer and moved in with me but that's when him and his girlfriend broke up and i was officially on deathwatch. I spent hours everyday staying up till 4 or 5 am making sure he didn't kill himself. We would go on drives because he hated my house and wanted to escape it. I was miserable. I was in a constant state of fear that i would wake up and see Joel dead in my room. I wanted to die. I wanted Joel to live. I couldn't figure out how to save my friend and i didn't realize how much it was killing me. His toxicity. His negativity. The first time he had been nice to me in years and it was essentially on his deathbed. 

I’ll spare you the details but Joel and his ex didn't work out. Joel got better. He also got worse. It was around this time i realized what Joel had done to me. All that time i thought I was protecting him from himself i was really redirecting his vitriol onto me. I acted as his shield. I think about it often. I think about who Joel used to be and who he became. I miss him. The old him. I’m filled with PTSD from what he did to me. I'm scared of making new friends. Joel ruined me and its so fucking hard trying to rebuild myself. Sometimes i wanna give up. Sometimes i think it would be easier to go back to him. I just wish things could have been different. I fucking hate what Joel's parents did to make him that way. I just needed to get this off my chest. I wish i could have told it more clearly but whatever. Thanks for reading this. 

#abuse tw #verbalabuse #victim #triggerwarning #frienship

[toujourspur13]

The Black family / Walburga Black / canon.

As I said before I do not care that much about canon/fanon/headcanon because transformative works by definition include a wide variety of different interpretations. However, I am forever perplexed when I see uncompromising opinions on the Black family - particularly the unwavering certainty that Sirius Black’s parents were psychotic abusers. All personal opinions aside - why is this so popular?

I mean - it’s absolutely ok to headcanon this version and to play with it - but saying 'don’t you dare say they did not physically and emotionally abuse Sirius' is a little strong, isn’t it?

This is a mystery to me. So…let’s discuss my favourite subject…Again.

Let’s stick to the facts. The frequently cited things proving the abuse in the Black family are as follows:

Sirius said his parents were awful maniacs (pureblood ideology)

he ran away from home

he was severely depressed in OoTP

Kreacher

Portrait

So…when you say that Sirius’s parents were abusive…you mean exactly what? These people got cold feet when they saw the real nature of Voldemort - I guess it somehow implies that they did not share his methods…that they were against violence as a tool to get purebloods in charge.

But then it usually goes this way: ‘well at least he was verbally and emotionally abused by his family’ - but is it so? Is this based on the portrait of Sirius's mother? She insulted strangers who took over her house and her runaway son - how does this prove anything about how Sirius and Regulus were raised and treated when they were kids? I agree it’s rather impolite - jkr did a good job showing how purebloods perceived others ( those below them) -but in all honesty, this has very little to do with Sirius and his childhood.

Why to make Sirius a victim at all? - c’mon he was tougher than this, he spent 12 years in Azkaban; are you actually saying that a portrait throwing insults at everyone is worse? I doubt that. And is it such a surprise that a mother who lost her son (that said son actually ran away and abandoned his duty) would be that furious at him when seeing him again...even if it’s only a portrait...I believe it to be a rather unpleasant experience for a parent when a child runs away.

We already talked about the portrait a lot - I don’t even want to mention it here- - I feel we should rather pay more attention to the fact that Sirius himself was not an angel.

I am not saying the colourful vocabulary of Walburga Black should be used…but Sirius himself upon seeing Snape  immediately  recognised his weakness and went for it without any hesitation …we are talking about Sirius who in fact was quite a renowned bully ( I mean - we know for a fact that from time to time Sirius and James got carried away)…

And it was Sirius who sent Snape to meet and chat with a real werewolf (yes, I agree - he was not thinking this through - he probably was just vexed and fed up with Snape and thought he wouldn’t go there, would get cold feet or idk run away…But it actually changes nothing. If a drunken driver hits someone it will be 100% his fault whether he means it or not. Whether he is in a fragile mental state or not - such situations are definite. It’s the same with Sirius - even if he did not mean anything bad he should have understood the cost of his mistake - all teenagers make silly things but not all of them send their classmate to meet a werewolf - James thought it not a very good idea as I recall… -

So we see that Sirius was not an angel from the start and I can hardly believe he was a victim by nature. His behaviour loudly manifested that he used to get what he wanted with no thought of the consequences.

And all those pictures of bikini-clad girls on the walls in his room prove that he was quite a spoiled boy who had nothing to fear from mum and dad. Harry himself noticed «Sirius seemed to have gone out of his way to annoy his parents». All this shows that Sirius was not afraid of his parents at all. What kind of masochist would suffer for motorbike posters? That would be ridiculous.

Let’s move to Kreacher: If Sirius’s mother had been a monster why even mention her heart?  JKR wrote this for a purpose and this heavily implies that Sirius's situation was never meant to be ‘the abusive heartless parents vs the poor helpless victim’.  

The fact that Sirius ran away and hence broke his mother’s heart says against the popular idea that he was not loved by his family, that he was always the second one, that they abused him. I’m 100% certain that Kreacher told the truth in that scene. Why would he say something like this if it were not the truth - something like…that his beloved mistress having been so upset over Sirius running away that it broke her heart. Just tell me one reason that would have justified such a lie - why to say this at all?

Then this: “Leave?” Sirius smiled bitterly and ran a hand through his long, unkempt hair. “Because I hated the whole lot of them: my parents, with their pure-blood mania, convinced that to be a Black made you practically royal … my idiot brother, soft enough to believe them … that’s him.”…. “He was younger than me,” said Sirius, “and a much better son, as I was constantly reminded.”

I’ve already said it before - this ‘better son than me’ is exactly what insecure 14-year old kids like to say. Well...he’s a bit older but it’s not as if he had a life and a chance to mature. Moreover, I don’t know if it comes as a great shock but a lot of teenagers like to badmouth their parents…usually, it involves something like ‘those bloody uptight retrogrades know nothing of the real world’ (it fades away when they get closer to thirty).

To be serious, I find that it’s just another example of similarities between Sirius and his mother. They clearly did not know what it means to be composed, polite, and respectful. Yeah…I think that, on the whole, parents are owed their children’s respect (unless they are completely inadequate - somehow I don’t believe this was the case). Someone should teach both of them what mutual respect means. Anyway, there is nothing in this quote that says that Sirius was subjected to any forms of abuse - it’s about how Sirius justified his running away,  how he saw the situation.

There’s also the fact that Sirius was incredibly unhappy because he was back at his childhood home and having to spend time around anything that reminded him of his family: “Hasn’t anyone told you? This was my parents’ house,” said Sirius. “But I’m the last Black left, so it’s mine now. I offered it to Dumbledore for headquarters — about the only useful thing I’ve been able to do.” Harry, who had expected a better welcome, noted how hard and bitter Sirius’s voice sounded”.

Here it comes…the severe depression that makes people question the severity of his abuse… I have thought a lot about this because it is the reason why some consider ‘the abusive blacks' canon while others believe it was more of a tragedy of the family rather than the banal brutality.

Of course, Sirius was upset in that house - but I don’t think he suffered the memories of his unhappy childhood - I think he suffered from the strong feeling of guilt. Being in that house meant an everyday reminder that he was a failure. And it’s not even a lie. If you look at his whole life you’ll see that he literally failed everyone in his life: he failed James and Lily - they were dead and he unwillingly became the reason. It was his plan that turned everything into a tragedy.

And, to some extent, he failed Harry- he was not around him like James and Lily would have wanted. Sirius did not give him the real family - he only promised they'd be the one «when it’s all over».

And finally - he failed his parents, his brother, his own family.

Is it possible to live with so much guilt in your heart?

I don't think that Sirius completely forgot who he was born to be. If the family keeps traditions and can trace its existence back in centuries you can't shake it off even if you want. I doubt Sirius switched it off just because he had griffindor friends. He was the last Black - it is tragically poetic that he was once the hope of his family and then this family died with him. If Sirius had heart (and I truly believe he had a heart) he knew exactly what it meant to be trapped in the house that represented the death of his family. A constant reminder  that he was the last one.  

“The others’ hushed voices were giving Harry an odd feeling of foreboding; it was as though they had just entered the house of a dying person”. 

I think that the scene when he threw his father's ring away - he threw it away because it was all over for his family. It was the end of the dynasty - and for him it was all over long before he met Bellatrix for the last time.

Well, I admit Sirius' situation is open for wide interpretation but I don’t think the abusive black household is a canon thing - of course, it’s fanon. It makes Sirius a hero who broke the chains when in fact he ended up being a victim of his own life.

You know, it always seems strange to me that fandom when discussing Walburga usually overlooks the simple truth of life - that even if you are clever enough and mean good for your loved ones it is still possible to end up on the losing side, on the dark side.  However, mistakes don't automatically turn humans into monsters.

To some extent Sirius’s story represents the consequences of war.  No-one is protected; the whole families could be wiped off the face of the earth. It’s a simple yet profound idea. It correlates with the main idea of hp books far better than the ‘abusive psychopaths’ (there are already Voldemort and Bellatrix - there is no-one who can beat them in this department).

All I say - it’s okay to imagine them bad if you want- your right - but don’t write everywhere that it’s canon because it is not.There is no need for such inflexibility especially when it comes to the fandom - a place where everyone should be welcomed and their views on the books be respected.

#the noble and most ancient house of black #hp meta #harry potter #sirius black meta #walburga black #orion black #regulus black #harry potter meta #Order of the Phoenix #Sirius Black

[kusagrasskusa]

Yandere Simulator Delinquents.

They're basically copy and paste. Sooo here's my version of them for future reference! I got too excited writing the last one lol- It's been a while since I've been to inspired to write. This is a nice feeling uvu

Umeji Kizuguchi - Yellow guy

He has blonde, previously pink, hair and golden eyes. He wears a yellow shirt under unbuttoned blazer and carries a baseball bat around. He has a scar over his right eye. Umeji is Oroso right hand man and takes over position while she's gone; these are the cannon versions of him and all that's said.

This is my fannon version of him: He was hurt the most during the bullying and therefore the most fearful of pain. He flinches when touched and gets pissed instantly. He's the most cold and aggressive out of the five and it helped him keep him as the most feared of the delinquents. He works out daily, therefore having a good build and likes bitter foods rather than sweets. He'a quite ignorant and refuses to share his likes out of fear of being judged. He still feels depression but now faces more anxiety than anything. He often cries about it late at night.

But despite his depression, he's so determined to stay as a threat to many. It's the kist alive he's ever felt. He's somewhat narcissistic and has both an inferiority and superiority complex, actually. Sensitive to touch and criticism but damn his ego is big. He uses his strength and speed as another threat to fellow students, to let them know that if they mess up then he'll catch and hurt them.

His home life isn't fun. Parents maybe fighting here and there or gone for work or something. It wasn't abusive in any way or anything; in fact, they get along well when they're together. It's just the parents weren't attentive. As Umeji puts it, "My mom, dad, bless their hearts, but they aren't great." They tend to brush things off quickly and spend too much time to themselves.

Dairoku Surikizu - Blue manz

He has blonde, previously blue, hair and blue eyes. He wears a blue shirt under an unbuttoned blazer and carries around a boten or some shit, idk I couldn't figure it out. He has a scar on his lip and from Mulberry's art, it looks like he's the tallest of the group.

Fannonly, he's the most anxious of the group. He never talks about it to anyone but Hokuto, who brushes it off. Dairoku got his scar a long time ago when his parents were agruing; he hid under his bed when he was nine and started to cry. To calm himself, he started to bite his lip and scratch himself on the forearms and face to calm himself down. He cut himself in the process badly and tried to hide it from his parents so he didn't get yelled at.

His home life wasn't too bad either; his dad left the family not long after that incident when he was nine so his mom has to take on the roles of two people. She never has time for him so the other delinquents make him feel so happy. He likes- no, loves to talk to them but tries to look sketchy in the process.

Hokuto Furukizu - Purple manz

He has blonde, previously golden, hair and purple eyes. From Mulberry's art, he seems to be the second tallest, but very close to Dairoku. He carried around a metal pipe and wears a purple shirt under his opened blazer. He has a scar on his cheek too btw.

Fannonly, he talks most to Dairoku. He usually brushed off what he says, but relates to him most. Of the 5, he desperately wants to be normal and free the most. He was well popular in middle school but his anger once got the best of him and a fight caused him to lose a lot of his reputation. It just got worse as time went on however; but he misses those days so much.

His scare on his cheek came from the fight and serves as a curse mark to him; "The day they ruined my life." He hates looking at it and gets pissed off when people even look at it. He's always been hot headed but his physical appearance is his number one insecurity. Hokuto's homelife is normal and he's goodboi at home. Cleans, cooks sometimes, has an equally good relationship with his mom as he does his dad.

He managed to convince them that his new appearance and signs of depression from last year was just influence from ex friends. Eventually they just took his word for it despite how terrible of a lie that is, so they stopped asking.

Gaku Hikitsuri - Red guyz

According to Mulberry's art, the blonde who once had light blue hair and red eyes is the second tallest. He has a scar on his forehead and carried around a crowbar. His shirt is red and under, you guessed it, an unbuttoned blazer.

He's a genuine tsundere; the angriest of the group. He easily crushes on people like a simp and gets nervous easily, so he acts all defensive and aggressive around them especially. Other than Umeji, he's the quickest to shove people around and assert his position. But for the most part, he intentionally shoves and shoulder checks people he finds attractive or who he thinks is superior than him, which is a lot of people.

He suffers from an inferiority complex that makes him think everyone judges him behind his back and talks about him especially. Therefore, he's the loudest and quickest to insults; he's also very self conscious. He's scared to make noise in class, talk, eat in front of people, and others because he's scared to be judged. Because as long as nothing is brought to the table, there's nothing to judge. His scar was actually from Kokoro, the bully who's just a sadist according to the character files from Yandev, who got pissed at him defending himself and hit him down with a ring. He got cut badly and almost passed out from the hit; but hey, it's not like he can do anything about since she's a girl, and he'd be expelled instantly. The bitch even resulted him with a broken arm at some point.

Home life isn't great; rundown trailerpark, alcoholic dad and whole of a step mom, dead mom, things like that. Damn, if only he got more than a mattress on the floor, a cover, pillow, dresser filled with all his clothes and school supplies to live on. But he can't even get a job without his scar making people think he's worse than what his persona displays.

Hayanari Tsumeato - Grey manz

The grey eyed, blonde hair man with natural red hair who carries around a lead pipe is Hayanari, who's last name "Tsumeato" means scratch mark. He has a grey shirt under his unbuttoned blazer and a scar over his nose.

Fannonly, he was the one with the no fucks given attitude. He was usually straight faced and brutally honest when talking to people, but wasn't necessarily judgemental. It's hard to explain but just because he says, "damn Daniel, you're built like a carrot," doesn't mean he cares about his appearance, even if whoever tf Daniel is actually looks like a carrot or not. He was the daredevil who did things solely for his entertainment.

In a way, it was almost sociopathic or narcissistic; he'd be fine with embarrassing someone in front of anyone because it got a smile our of him. If someone complained, he'd roll his eyes and convince whoever that they were overreacting and that they were the one at fault. He's very manipulative and sarcastic, usually just smiling cockily and speaking innocently. Kinda emo, but he wasn't against that title. He actually liked the occult and for the most part, was down for anything that didn't have too much time needed, like school or family.

He was in the middle of everything; okay with cooking, occult, art, science, reading, anine and games, so there wasn't much a person can dislike him for in terms of social standards. He wasn't appart of a dislikes group like the occult kids or science kids, not with a loved group like cooking or art kids. But when he started to express a bit of interest in the occult was when people could finally pin him down and bully him back for all those insulting jokes that sounded way too serious. And before he knew it, he got wrapped up in the hate and couldn't get himself free.

Home life is something he never, not even to his fellow delinquents, never talks about. But one thing worth noting is that he's never seen without a long sleeved shirt or jacket of some kind. He used to pass out time to time during gym classes because he was overheated due to bringing a long sleeved version of the gym shirt to school and never drank anything. When his parents were called, they always insisted on saying they'll do something about it but they never did, either. The delinquents do think there's some kind of abuse at his house; besides, Hayanari is adopted and those things happen often even if it's more common in the foster system.

His family is something he never talks about. Back in middle school, his friends were able to see his "parents" time to time when they picked him up from school. It was immediately obvious that he wasn't related to them; hell, he rarely called them mom or dad. At home, until adopted, was great. Friends coming over, happy family moments, being able to play games and use electronics, things like that. But when he was adopted was when it wouldn't be easy to just tell someone what was to come; quite obviously, it was abuse. Verbal and physical, nearly everyday. It was worse in the beginning but happened less often as he got older.

His "mom" would call the police a few times him because she felt "threatened." She hit him so he would hit back and yell while doing so, so she has evidence of an attack. But luckily, her skin isn't sensitive enough to show any marks unlike Hayanari's. Other times, his "dad" would get involved and hurt him badly.

#fannon #backstory #yandere simulator #umeji kizuguchi #hayanari tsumeato #dairoku surikizu #gaku hikitsuri #hokuto furukizu #anime #fanfic #writing

[isa-ah]

if its not too personal, may i ask what are all the alters names and roles in the system? (including host of course)

so like im not very booksmart about system roles but i consider myself a protector and also the host (me, isaiah, 24 :) <3). im usually the only one interested in drawing or blogging so 99% of anything on here is just lil ol me. i also front by far the most bc none of these assholes want to work so i have to take care of commissions myself lol

my first rl serious i think something's wrong w me alter realization was a Dave fictive when i was like 16-21 who would just black me out and autopilot when shit was really bad. I lost a LOT of time between when my grandma died, when my grandfather died, when i moved in w my aunt, ran away, moved in w my mom, and then left for arizona, and im pretty sure almost all of that was him. he hasn't fronted or had any kind of presence in the headspace in years tho besides like 10-15 minutes at a time once or twice when I got rlly triggered by a conversation. I simply do not remember anything that happens when he fronts which used to scare the shit out of me haha. lo said he thinks it's specifically 13 which. fair lol

bentley is definitely my most active alter these days. he's around 30 and tends to take over whenever i get upset abt some shit. he took the very very most brunt of my grandparental caretaking and medical trauma so like i don't rlly have those nightmares or intrusive flashbacks anymore which is nice. I tend to take on a lot of social obligations and I don't know how to say no but he Can and Will watch a man burn without pissing on him which is rlly refreshing tbh. he's the no obligations I'm hanging out alter. we're rlly close but I don't think he's friendly enough for lo :( he likes old trucks and 70s bops.

shys my youngest alter that i know of, he's like 14 and is like young isaiah (the oc) but nonverbal hence, shysaiah or just shy :) he's a sweet kid who just likes to be around and goofy. if he has to be verbal he does cry tho and his triggers are rlly different than mine which throws me whenever he gets set off. he's definitely got the most palpable and distressing fictitious memories, like he heard a line in a song and had flashbacks that made ME wig out. his is very.. idk bad dad parental abuse csa vibes, as far as the trauma pill he swallowed, but mostly when he's fronting he's in rlly high spirits! he likes neopets and yesterday was his birthday haha.

bulldog is rlly the only other guy of note & he's like? idk 19? i very much experienced the like adults arent taking care of me and so my tiny body is full of RAGE thing as a kid and like all thru my teens I had a FOUL hateful kinda temper. I'm cool as fuck as an adult tho cause that's his problem now. whenever my mom gets on her shit or I start thinking about my aunt he like zaps straight to the cofront to try to start some shit w my family which. fair! but no! he's a lot more mad about my aunt than my grandparents which hes probably the only one but fight the good fight i guess. he's just a real asshole, if uve ever seen me writing long vent posts on here bc im all worked up that's that anger boy cofront babey <3 he's DEFINITELY not nice enough for lo tho.

there's like other guys im aware of knocking around but they don't front or rlly make any effort to interact w me or our peers so shruggg I mostly just let them be. my biggest brain teaser re: all of this is the chicken and egg situation between ocs and alters. which came first, shy or isaiah? bentley definitely came before his oc counterpart but i low-key get a vibe about reggie and barnaby that makes me go ok but?? idk mostly I'm just endlessly fascinated by the intersection of being a lifelong artist with a deep love of characters and having alters who present so... character-y. which came first??

#long post #its weird to talk about bc bentley and shy both love having fictional counterparts that i write with #they dont take it as a literal thats me but also thats them #this is what i get cosmically for coping kinning a homestuck character sorry

[sneverussape]

i finally understand why i was attracted to snape’s character even back when i was a kid and for some reason it’s given me a strange sense of inner peace?? it’s equal parts confronting my past, understanding it, and acknowledging that the trauma i experienced wasn’t my fault, and it’s glorious.

(this is personal and has mentions of abuse so i’m keeping it under a cut)

idk why i suddenly thought about it, but i guess being in this space is forcing me to reflect since people constantly ask why anyone would like snape. tbh it’s not anyone else’s business why complete strangers would like a fictional character bUT after seeing that question (demand, really) enough times, my brain just really went “ok let’s look into this shall we?” and so i did.  

for context, i’m in my 30s and the first books came out when i was about harry’s own age, so i was an 11yo reading about an 11yo in about the same time period the books were set in, which was the 90s. my family had a typical idyllic set-up -- we were comfortable, my brothers and i went to good schools, my parents were together and in love, etc. my parents, however, were opposites when it came to raising us, which was a reflection of how they were raised themselves: my dad was raised quite passively and thus was very lax, but my mom had had a domineering military father who had a habit of shouting and intimidating his kids (obvs ptsd...thanks army), so that plus corporal punishment was a regular routine and part of her parenting agenda. since my dad was also barely around (he was a businessman who always had to fly off somewhere), we were often stuck with her and our nannies (who never got involved anyway when my mom was on a tirade). needless to say, it was Not a Fun Time. she had a vicious temper too, and an even sharper tongue, often unleashed due to the most mundane things (like...whether or not you had finished your homework). i learned how to lie convincingly because of it; i could only take a verbal (which could also escalate to physical) lashing up to a certain point. 

anyway, between her, an absent father, and indulgent grandparents who were always there but who had all favored my older brother (to the point where they would leave me behind and take just him out to the mall or parks or whatever for the day), i didn’t have a lot of adults i felt i could trust. teachers and coaches at that point in my life were meh, i didn’t see my aunts and uncles often enough (and the one aunt i was devoted to habitually broke her promises to me which hurt my feelings), and the nannies we had, though i loved all of them, could never stay, so they broke my heart over and over. 

enter this trash man of a character who swooped into a classroom full of kids my age and proceeded to make the most dramatic speech of the century. i was never scared or intimidated by snape. i was enraptured by his theatricality, and the way he focused his attention on a boy he didn’t even like. i loved his wit and his sarcasm. best of all, i loved how he was described as someone who was loyal to and was proud of his house, and by extension, the children in them. to me, that was all i needed to know, and all i wanted. i was a kid who sought the security of a grown-up, one who would not hurt me (physically at least; and i had trusted him in my head enough that i knew that if he would give me hell it would have been well-deserved) but would stand by me; one that i could have depended on, had he stood living and breathing in front of me as he was assigned my head of house (i’ve always identified as a slytherin anyway lol so that wasn’t even hard to imagine). he was clever and sassy and funny too, which only added to the allure. that was why i had latched on to him, and probably why i’ve stayed latched. if i were to be cheesy about it, my love for him helped eventually shape me into the adult i had needed when i was younger: one who never raises a hand to children; one who who thinks before they say something to a child; one who keeps their promises. it’s weird that i have snape (and myself) to thank for it but i do. i loved his character so much and since the books were coming out during my formative years, i had plenty of time and opportunity to grow up alongside him. it’s been quite a trip. 

on my parents - i forgave them back in high school when i started seeing them as individuals and understood that they have their own issues that they should have resolved on their own, ideally before they became parents. since it’s nothing i can change, i’m honestly over it, and i have been for a while. it’s just...so fulfilling when something like this happens because it’s like uncovering a part of your personality, enabling you to understand why you’re built a certain way (i have deep-seated abandonment issues that i actively work on, and i balk at physical contact, i guess as a defense mechanism from the time my mom used to swipe at me, among many other issues) and in the process be given the means to try to be better. it’s also great when you remember that your favorite character was a Mess and a Work in Progress, because tbh so are you?? so is everyone else and that’s ok.

bottom line: i love snape and i definitely know why, henceforth i will love him forever and honestly no hell-raiser on this flaming dumpster of a site will ever change my mind

#personal #cw abuse #trauma

[notyobabygirl]

🤍future with any of them. But then another part of me feels like this has been happening for too long and that he might never get the help he needs to learn how to control himself. It is so unfair to me and it’s gotten to a point where this destroys me emotionally and i’ve even started having small panic attacks when he acts that way. Idk if they’re technically panic attacks but i’ll start to feel light headed and breath heavy because i feel so awful in the moment. I just cannot stand seeing the person i love the most treat me like i mean nothing to them just because they’re mad over small things. The way he talks to me and makes me feel when he’s having a melt down is the worst. And then it makes me freak out and act crazy because i’m so confused and hurt in the moment and my reaction to him makes him act that way even more. It’s hard for me to just stay relaxed and not get worked up in the moment because i take everything he says to heart and sometimes i forget that when he’s that mad that it’s best to just let him be and not react to him. He’s admitted countless times that he needs to get some sort of anger management help and that he should probably see a therapist or doctor. But this hasn’t happened yet. I’m just tired of waiting for him to get better but at the end of the day i know deep down how amazing things would be if he didn’t have these problems. Like of course we have normal fights and it’s not always perfect. But we have something so real and loving beyond his anger issues. His issues just ruin things for us and it’s always so explosive that it’s hard to navigate what’s right/wrong to do and how to get past the explosive fights we have sometimes. I also feel like i cling onto him when he’s pushing me away and that gives him leverage to treat me worse and act like i’m in the wrong. Idk i’m so confused right now what to do. I’m sorry this has been an entire book and that i’m all over the place. I guess i just want some advice rn from someone that i know has dated someone who had anger issues too. I feel like the right thing to do for me is stay with him because in my gut i see so much for us and i’ve never loved someone the way i love him. But i know that this isn’t ok and that i deserve so much better. But it’s also tough because i know he isn’t a bad person himself, it’s his anger issues and possibly mental illness that makes him this way. He just needs professional help and needs to learn to control himself or at least to not take his anger out on me verbally and emotionally.

when I broke up with my ex I wrote a list of things I will look for in my next boyfriend. the first thing I put was good temper. being with someone with a bad temper can ruin a relationship and I think it ruined mine completely. at first they get mad just a little but little by little the yelling gets louder and the words get meaner and it turns in emotional abuse. hes not a bad person at all, but another side of him comes out when he is angry. you cant just date one side of a person, you have to date all sides and that means you would have to date this angry abusive side of him. the fact that he imitates you when you are upset and calls you whiny is just plain mean. hes doing this because he knows you won't leave him over this. you is taking advantage of you because he knows he can push and push and push but you won't ever do anything to stop it. obviously we both know something needs to change. its either you guys break up which you might not want to do but you need to think about what's best for you. do you really want to be with someone for the rest of your life with a temper like this? what if you guys have kids and they start to whine? ya know you just have to realize that its hard to change someone with a bad temper. its harder than you think and trust me I have tried. he needs to know that he has to change the way he is treating you or you won't stay with him because you dont deserve this. your feelings are valid and dont let anyone try to make you feel crazy because your not. I wish I could go back in time and tell myself that im not crazy and it was okay to be hurt and cry. I know you love him and I know when he is "normal" he is good to you, but you should be with someone who is good to you at all sides not just when they are happy

[ao3gingerswag]

on the whole idea of the boys when they're older interacting with kids, what if one day a kid comes in with his family who's like rly shy and timid, like not bc of abuse he's just rly shy and with his family who are perhaps quite boisterous and he's not and he gets quite anxious and there's a whole thing where the boys are able to bring him out of his shell ;~; like when he and his family are sitting down for a meal dean comes out with their food and makes him relax bc hes so good with kids. he comes down during the night bc he heard a noise and got scared and cas is down there cleaning up for the night and talks to him about nature to calm him down and the boy is like :)) and then the next morning he's outside and there's other kids who are playing with sam and he's off to the side but sam notices and is able to bring him into the play and he ends up making friends with the other kids, and then by the time the family have to leave the inn he's like smiling and happy and he turns to his parents and is like 'can we come back here soon :D' and it's this rly nice moment, maybe from his perspective so we get to see others reactions to the boys :))

ALSO AS I WAS WRITING THIS I HAD AN EPIPHANY WHAT IF THE BOY IS JACK. DOESN'T NEED TO BE BUT IT WORKS KINDA WELL!!

awwww this is so cute!!! Maybe this could be combined with the prompt about cas helping the family with an autistic child and helping the parents understand their kid better....like maybe the kid is autistic and so he has a hard time talking sometimes and is withdrawn bc of difficulty interacting with others. and dean is so good with kids, even if he can't spot right away that the kid is autistic like cas would be able to, he can tell when he comes out with the food that the kid is in distress. like he's like and here's yours sir :) to the kid (dean is very polite but he is calling the kid sir as a bit of a joke to make the kid smile) and the kid like doesnt look up and the parents are like oh sorry he's just shy. and dean is like oh. hmmm. cause the kid has like his fingers clenched in his tunic. when he comes back out he like crouches next to the kid to make him feel more comfortable and is like hey :) i'm dean :) and the kid doesnt look up or say anything and the parents r like sorry he gets like this idk why. jack look at the nice boy and introduce yourself. (i didnt watch the later seasons but from what i see on tumblr.edu the consensus is that jack is autistic so!) and dean is like no thats ok he doesnt have to look at me/talk to me. and then to jack he's like. u know i have a friend who doesn't always look at people or talk to them and we get along just fine. so i think me and jack are gonna get along great :) and then to jack he's like. you know. my friend and i dont always talk using our voices. sometimes we use our hands! (i guess this is post meeting eileen- i've said this on a different post but once dean cas and sam r introduced to the concept of sign language they adopt it immediately bc cas feels so much more comfortable communicating like that when he's having trouble w/ words) and jack is like ??! so turns towards dean w/o making eye contact, clearly intrigued. and dean is like :) wanna see? :) and jack nods. and dean shows him a few basic signs and jack mimics him. and one of the words is upset. and then once jack learns it, dean signs "you upset?" to him. ;~; and jack nods. and dean is like. wanna tell me what's up? maybe i can help! and then jack does the shy kid thing of indicating with body language that they dont wanna say what's wrong out loud, so dean leans in and jack whispers into his ear "loud." and dean is like oh! i see! we can fix that :) can i tell your parents what you just told me? and jack nods. so dean says to the parents (who r looking on in bemusement) its a bit loud in here for jack. mind if i take him outside for a minute? and the parents are like oh! sweetheart why didnt you tell us? (they arent bad parents they just dont get jack and its the middle ages so its not like there is info out there) and jack shrugs and the parents sort of helplessly shrug at each other, bc jack not verbalizing issues is a common problem for them. and they r like um its ok u dont have to take him outside we will take him. but do u mind bringing our food outside and stuff. like can we eat there. and dean is like of course no problem! and theyre like r u sure? im sorry that u have to go out of ur way for us, im sorry about our son, he can be. kinda fussy sometimes. and dean is like literally dont worry about it!

so then jack's parents take him outside and they all eat on the porch, and dean keeps popping back over to check on them. and jack is clearly much happier and starts to become much more verbal now that he's not overstimulated. still shy and quiet but much more smiley and every time dean brings them something he's very quietly like "thank you."

omg! maybe dean notices that he's not eating his food and so he's like do we want something else? and the parents r like omg no omg im sorry he's just so particular about what he likes omg the food is great jack pls eat ur food dont be rude. and dean is like he's not being rude at all he's a very polite young man :) id be happy to bring something else out. and the parents r like. well. if you're sure...he likes things that r like. boring. like really really boring. like plain porridge with nothing in it and stuff like that. and dean is like mashed potatoes? and the parents r like yes! and jack perks up. and so he brings that out for jack. and he brings it out and the parents r like omg omg thank u SO much for going so out of ur way for our weird kid even tho he still wont look at u at all. they dont say that part they're not assholes to jack, its implied tho and jack kinda curls into himself bc hes embarrassed about causing problems. and dean ofc notices and is like. u know. my friend who talks with his hands can be very particular too. he doesnt like the noise in the dining room either, and he also only likes certain foods. and jack perks up again :)

ahhh he keeps coming out to check on them and he's like hey how u doing? and!! oh no maybe dean also taught him the sign for happy and he signs "happy" at dean ;~:

to be clear- dean doesn't make the connection that jack LIKE like cas, as in he's autistic, at least not yet. like i think he WOULD if he had more time with him, but cas is the only autistic person he's ever met, and he just met jack. dean def just thinks he's very shy, but he's great with kids and can tell right away that jack is upset, and he shows him the signs not cause he realizes that jack is actually non-verbal in that moment but because he really doesnt care if the kid doesn't want to talk to him, he just wants to help. and he shows him the signs and stuff bc he wants the kid to tell him whats wrong, but kids wont tell strangers that if u just ask upfront, you have to gain their trust a little first ;~; and dean understands all of this instinctually bc he's great with kids so he manages to figure out whats wrong and solve the problem even without realizing that jack is autistic. ;~;

the person who figures out that jack is autistic is definitely cas!! jack comes down in the middle of the night maybe not cause he hears a noise, maybe he just cant sleep bc he hates his routine being disrupted and being in a new place ;~; and the sheets feel all wrong and everything smells wrong and everything is different and he hates it ;~; so he comes downstairs maybe be he's crying and he doesnt want to wake his parents up. and cas is downstairs cleaning up still, it's totally quiet tho now so there is no overstimulation. and cas is like oh! a tiny person!! uuhhh.... he def panics a little bc he's not good w people and he's not sure what to do with a random crying child. maybe he briefly considers waking dean up bc dean is good with kids and also maybe he saw dean talking to jack earlier. but then hes like no dean is tired i dont want to bother him ill try to deal with it. and hes like um. hello. um. my name is castiel i am the owner of this inn. um i guess u dont care about that. um. r u ok? and then the kid signs "upset" ;~; and cas is like oh! bc thats their signs! so he signs "what's wrong, why are you upset?" back even tho like it's just their home signs so how would this kid know them. but he signed "upset" so cas responds kinda on instinct. and the kid does not understand anything other than upset bc dean only showed him like 5 signs and he kinda already forgot the other ones. but it doesnt matter! bc those r hand words like dean was talking about and showing him! which must mean this is his friend who doesnt like looking at people or talking!! and jack is verbally like. r u dean's friend who doesnt like looking at people or talking. and cas is like um? yeah i guess? thats me. and jack is like ! i am very particular too! and bc he trusts dean and now by extension cas, and believes dean about cas being "particular" like him, he doesnt feel embarrassed about admitting what's wrong. and he spills his guts hes like everything is WRONG i dont like how anything feels or smells or tastes and everything is different from how it is at home and i HATE it and mom and dad says thats rude but i dont want to be rude but i cant sleep bc everything is all wrong!!! ;~; and he says all this not looking at cas and waving his hands around his head. and cas is like......................................................................oh. hm. i see. this is Me.

so he's just very empathetic and is like im really sorry i totally understand, you're not being rude, i also feel that way whenever we travel and i also am very selective about what i can touch and eat and stuff and am very sensitive to the physical environment. i know i cant fix it all but is there anything i can do to help you feel better? do u want to try some different blankets? and he takes jack to the linen closet and is extremely patient as he brings down each blanket and lets jack touch each one and decide which is the best. and it DOESNT solve everything but just having someone take him seriously and listen to him makes jack feel so much better and hes eventually able to go back to sleep ;~;

in the morning theyre outside, sam who's like 16 or whatever is chasing the kids around playing tickle monster. and jack's parents try to get him to go play with sam and the other kids but he doesnt want to he's too shy and anxious. and cas keeps staring at jack like :( bc he KNOWS but he doesnt know what to do about it. he brings it up with dean and dean is like OH. i see THATS what was going on with him he's like you! and cas is like yeah :( idk what to do about it...

sam sees jack hanging around with his parents on the side and he's like hey! do u want to come play? and jack is like................ and his parents r like sorry hes really shy. and sam is like thats ok! i have an idea, why dont we change the game and we can play hide and seek! (bc that doesnt require jack to jump in to interacting with a big crowd of kids) he's like :) i bet u can hide real well! :) and jack is like! :D and he nods bc hes like whoa i CAN hide really well! and they play hide and ofc sam is the seeker but when he finds the kids he always kinda turns it into man hunt cause he's like ah HA i got u!!! and he chases them around. and eventually he finds jack and hes like mwahahahaha now im gonna EAT you!!! and jack like screeches and giggles and bolts away and sam chases him and the other kids, and basically he like tricks jack into playing the exact same game they were playing before by like easing him into it by not making the start of the game require walking up to a crowd of ppl. but then once they r in the game he's ok just running around with the other kids :)

meanwhile dean and cas watch this and dean is like. do u want to talk to the parents. and cas is like. :/ i dont know how to do that. like how would we even start that conversation. and dean is like. i can help u :) so he does! he's like hey u remember i was talking about my friend to ur son the other day? this is he! u met him when u were checking in! ive noticed that he's like really really similar to ur son and has some of the same issues, and we were wondering if u wanted to talk about how cas deals with some of those things? and basically dean eases them into the conversation and makes it unintimidating for both parties. and cas teaches the parents all about the concept of sign language, and how going non-verbal is more than just being shy, and like they start describing situations in which jack was like Weird theyre like one time he started screaming and crying and rocking in public we didnt know what to do! and cas is like well where were u? what was going on? and like helps them identify the kinds of sensory things that probably trigger jack and stuff. and just like. its a good convo.

omg and cas is literate by this point and maybe the parents r too and hes like. if u ever wanna write to me and ask me about more shit and whatever pls dont hesitate. and then they DO and basically they help this family understand and raise their autistic son and its great!!! :D

anyway this is a VERY long response i definitely just outlined a mini-fic here.

#ao3gingerswag #asks #prompts #ideas #wander home #!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! this was fun now i have to do hw

[lesbianlenas]

Your post got me thinking. I used to get beat up by my parent daily (as well as verbal abuse) and I knew this friend in high school and he said to me once that he would never forget the time his mom told him that no women would ever love or marry him if he stayed being lazy. And that was legit the only “mean” thing she had ever said and he would not let it go, he still brings it up to this day. And I remember thinking, that’s it? I personally understand how daily verbal abuse or physical abuse is bad and that the parent needs therapy. But for people who’s parents were otherwise nice and normal, those few instances of them saying something harsh, idk if this is the right words, but it just seems picky to make such a big deal of it, like talking about how you’ll internalize that forever. Here’s where I feel the issue is, parents are still people, like imagine having to be totally nice and not harsh to someone for over 18 years, 24/7, when you are sleep deprived or stressed from work, especially when your child probably annoys you sometimes, or their age appropriate immaturity aggravates you, or the teen years where they get to be rude to you but you can never be rude back. I guess this is a ramble, but I guess what I am saying is adult children went from calling out abuse to now being nit picky about normal human interactions over decades. This idea that parents are never allowed to be mean ever seems to be a standard no human could ever meet. idk maybe I’m just viewing it that way due to how I was raised.

in the post i was actually referring to parents inflicting trauma on their kids or verbally abusing them and how they’ll either forget that they ever did it or claim not to have. like how abusive parents will make themselves out to have not been abusive at all by telling their kids that they’re wrong abt the things that they did to them when they aren’t. i remember reading an excerpt from a book abt mothers gaslighting their daughters bc they believe themselves to be “the perfect mother” so whenever their daughter brings up smth bad that they did to them their mother will tell them that there’s no way they could have done it bc in their heads they have been perfect so their daughter must be wrong. but given that kids will very much internalize their abuse and remember it vividly (unless they repress it) they are the ones that are going to remember it rather than the parent that did not see their abuse as a significant event. a lot of parents are not intentionally abusive (does not make it right) and dont even see that what they’re doing in the moment is wrong so they are not going to find it worth dwelling on and will forget. but that just sounds like your friend can’t take criticism lmfao. parents are obviously flawed and they need to be firm w their kids sometimes and will sometimes snap at them and that’s fine as long as it isn’t abusive or traumatizing. at the same time parents DO need to be more aware of the way they speak to their kids in that they can’t just see them as someone to freely criticize all the time bc again kids do internalize. but consistency and/or harshness is important and your friend’s mother saying that once and like that is literally not an issue lol. if she said it every day even when he didn’t do anything wrong & was often even more harsh abt it (like calling him useless etc) it would. a single comment like that may hurt in the moment but in the long run he is just harping on it. and i’m sorry that you’ve had that experience w your parents i hope you’re doing well now.

#my dad is abusive & the thing i was referring to w my mom was smth she did that legitimately traumatized me #so like i was talking abt abuse/trauma completely lol #plus the family in the video i was talking abt was abusive which was why i was relating it to my experience w abuse/trauma #anonymous #ask //

[aleksanderrs]

introducing ; 𝒂𝒍𝒆𝒌𝒔𝒂𝒏𝒅𝒆𝒓 𝒕𝒉𝒐𝒓𝒔𝒆𝒏 .

( herman tømmeraas , cismale , he/him , aquarius , 21 ) i just spotted aleksander ‘ aleks ’ thorsen at the beach today . don’t you know them ? they live down by the rocks and usually hang out with the stoners and outcasts cliques . from what i’ve heard , they can be impulsive , but they’re also honest . i always think of them when i hear hell is where i dreamt of u & woke up alone - blackbear and tend to associate them with bruises and scratches decorating pale white skin , a backpack filled with narcotics , flicking off the cops on the freeway with a smirk on your face .

note that this is a pretty triggering intro ! i’ve tried to put a tw before any bullet that mentions something triggering , but i may have missed something . if you do read this intro , read it with caution please , as i wouldn’t want to trigger anyone ! 

tws : foster care system , violence , injuries , drug and alcohol abuse , shooting resulting in death , suicidal thoughts 

stats

full name : aleksander carter thorsen peters

nicknames : everyone calls him aleks , like …. everyone . some people call him sander and he’s fine with this one too , but usually just aleks tbh

gender : cis male

height :  5 ′ 10

age : 21

birthday : february 5 , 2000

zodiac : aquarius sun , aquarius moon , scorpio ascendant

right handed or left handed : right handed

eye color : hazel , shooting more towards green , but shifts colors with the lighting 

hair color : naturally very light brown , nearing more towards dark blonde , but he always dyes it a super dark shade of dark brown or even black . you’ll never catch him with that light ass hair of his tbh lmfao

piercings and tattoos : he has a septum piercing he hides by flipping it upwards whenever he feels like it tbh , literally a fuck ton of tattoos ! he has a pretty decent stick and poke on his left ankle he did himself when he was like sixteen that says ‘ aurora ’ ( twin sisters’ name ) , he has one that reads  ‘ murphy , 1961-2021 ′ on his inner right bicep ( will get into that later in his intro ) , he has these fingers tattoos on his left hand ,  this tattoo on his inner left bicep , ‘ livet er nå ’ on his left wrist ( which means life is now in norwegian ) , a little pitbull face tattoo to honor an old dog he loved so much named pawly , ‘ 2000 ′ ( year he was born ) in the middle of his left arm , ‘ oasis ’ diagonally on his right arm right above his wrist ( fave band there guys ! ) , an aquarius symbol on his right ring finger , honestly a bunch of random ass small aesthetic tattoos ? probably a little alien , a mini drum set tattoo , a random small thunder tattoo ? probably the word ‘ fuck ’ somewhere like .... idiot who gets a lot of random tattoos idk what to say , literally is probably a centimeter away from losing his shit and impulsively getting a face tattoo he really doesn’t give a fuck anymore tbh KJVNDVJFV

languages spoken : english , norwegian , basic spanish , but wants to learn it fluently 

sexuality : bisexual / biromantic 

place of birth : long beach , california

hometown : literally everywhere , no permanent hometown tbh

last four songs listened to : faint by linkin park , supersonic by oasis , mama by my chemical romance , torture me by red hot chili peppers 

character inspo : a mix of chris miles and james cook from skins u.k , lip gallagher and mickey milkovich from shameless u.s , callie adams foster from the fosters , eli ‘ hawk ’ moskowitz from cobra kai ( season 2 hawk ) 

backstory

so aleksander , or aleks as he prefers to be called , was born six minutes after his twin sister aurora , to two norwegian parents ( julie and anders ) , both twins being the first american born in their family . his father was a no show from the start , and his mother was something else . him and aurora endured their mother’s heavy drug abuse , living in a crappy environment with an actual crackhead , until she was deemed unfit to take care of them and they were taken from her by child protective services when they were seven , instantly thrown into foster care . his mother didn’t care enough to ever even get them back , signing away her parental rights , and choosing drugs over her own two children . aleks hasn’t seen her since , and has no desire to ever see her again at all 

as a kid , he was pretty soft . he didn’t like mean people and was fairly sensitive and highly emotional , two things that you literally cannot be if you’re a foster kid , which , unfortunately for aleks , was exactly what he was . basically exactly how you could picture a foster child’s life really . him and aurora managed to stay together for three years until they were separated from each other at ten years old

i guess you could say this is when things changed drastically for him . he assumed they might get reunited eventually but it never happened . he would cry himself to sleep every night because of how lonely he felt and he actually had no friends at all . if anything , the kids at his home would constantly make fun of him for being so sensitive and crying so easily . he was completely on his own , and really sad

he came to terms with the fact that he wouldn’t really survive if he continued letting his emotions get the better of him . by the time he was twelve , he altered his personality drastically and changed altogether . what really happened is that he let his anger and resentment get the better of him

he just became super fed up with how fucked up the system is , and how literally no one wanted to adopt a kid his age ? the lack of sympathy from his fellow foster ‘ siblings ’ , and a mixture of everything going on around him , he kind of gave up and turned into this version of himself that took shit from no one . he never stayed in a foster home for more than nine months regardless of whether he behaved or not because something always seemed to come up for some reason ? this of course , gave him no real stability . 

he got thrown into a foster care family , the johnson’s , when he was fourteen , and for a while , it seemed like a pretty top notch foster home , definitely the best one he’s been in by far . i say for a while because shit went down hill pretty fast , literally in less than five months . aleks had an unlikely friendship with the foster parents’ son , kyle . kyle was four years older than him ( eighteen ) but it seemed to work at first since they shared the same room , until one day , they get into a pretty heated argument at school ( kyle is a senior , aleks is a freshman ) . to this day , aleks genuinely doesn’t even remember what the argument was even about , but this was the argument that flipped his life upside down more than it had already been flipped 

! violence and injury tw for the next four bullets , read with caution or skip ahead if it will trigger you ! they’re outside getting into it , petty ass verbal argument tbh , when kyle strikes him right in the face . doesn’t really end there though because this grown ass eighteen year old man dead ass starts beating his ass . actual understatement , like , beating his ass like he’s getting paid for it type shit . he can hear people around them screaming out ‘ fight fight fight ! ’ but it’s really , really not a fight though ? like it’s just this eighteen year old beating the living shit out of a fourteen year old kid , a literal fucking child

eventually when it’s over , kyle threatens him . tells him that if he says anything at all , he’s going to make sure he gets sent to a group home or frame him for something he didn’t do to get him sent to juvie . aleks is seriously just laying on the floor , holding back the urge to cry , injured as hell , wondering where the fuck that came from . it was just so random ? he really thought he was friends with this guy and he just gets his ass beat over an actual fifth grade argument . he’s been picked on before , even shoved or had sour fights with people before , sure , but he’s never in his damn existence been beaten like that before . super low point in his life because it’s the first time he genuinely got his ass handed to him and then some , but definitely not the lowest point 

when he gets back to his foster home , he tells his foster parents he was jumped . makes up this entire story from the crack of his ass . it actually makes him physically and emotionally sick to sleep in the same room as kyle , but he tells himself it is what it is . he doesn’t rest that entire night . the next day though , he waits until kyle is sound asleep to get up from his bed beside him and hover over at him , watching him snore soundly . a million and one thoughts run through this kids head , but it’s mostly just hurt , anger , disgust , and this sick need to get back at him . it’s this fight in his head , one voice telling him to let it go while the other voice screams at him to fuck him up . aleks momentarily decides on taking the higher road , knowing it could get him into huge trouble if he lays a hand on kyle , but that decision to take the higher road vanishes when he looks up above the fuckers bed and see’s the mirror that hangs on top . he stares at his reflection , spotting his bruises , the swollen bits of his face , the scrapes and cuts , how fucked up he looks , and he acts completely on impulse , his anger getting the better of him . aleks grabs kyle’s soccer trophy from on top of his bed stand , lifts it up above his head , and smacks him right across the face with it . this obviously wakes up kyle instantly , but aleks has the upper hand , since kyle is laying on his bed , half asleep , and without a weapon . aleks starts fucking him up with the thing , you can hear kyle’s screaming loud and clear , and it’s not long before kyle’s parents come rushing inside , obviously pulling aleks right off him , and well , you can kind of see where this is headed 

moral of the story , aleks is considered a high risk foster child with that little stunt he pulled . his first actual offense , but it still gets him sent to juvie for three days , and that’s really just because the judge is being nice considering his situation ... i don’t even think i need to describe what juvie was like because like we see movies y’all we know JKFNDJF . he broke kyle’s nose , scratched his cornea , and left him with multiple injuries . kyle’s claims don’t help his story either . he tells everyone that aleks is psycho , that he’s wrong in the head , has some serious anger issues and ‘ attacked him out of nowhere when he was just trying to help him ’ , makes him out to be the biggest bad guy in the book , conveniently leaving out the part where he fucks him up with his fists at school . with the squeaky clean record kyle has , no one really cares for aleks’ side of the story at all , especially since he claimed his injuries were from getting jumped . from that point forward , he knows for a fact he’s never getting adopted , and , as sad as this may sound , he doesn’t even care anymore ! end of violence and injury tw !

actually hurting someone the way he did kind of ignited something inside him he didn’t even know was there . of course after a certain age , he grew a much tougher shell and stopped crying about everything , stopped being so damn sensitive , but he’s never laid his hands on anyone before until he met kyle . he wasn’t proud of what he did , it made him feel like shit inside , dirty in a way , and it didn’t give him any sense of accomplishment or bring him any joy , but .... it kind of awakened him to all these different ideas , a different mentality , gave him a feeling of power and superiority he’s never felt before . at that point on , he began thinking ‘ every man to himself ’ , very much katherine pierce from the vampire diaries mind . he does what he does to survive and he doesn’t care who he has to knock down . no one ever cared for him , he stopped caring for people  –  that’s that .  

it took everything ( like dead ass everything ) , to convince the judge not to put aleks in a group home . he was , thankfully , placed in another foster home , but with much higher restrictions than his last . it was school and back , the doors were locked at 9 pm , bedroom doors included , windows sealed shut .... just bad , but it beat being in juvie , so again , he told himself ‘ it is what is it ’

began acting the fuck out . new home , new school , he became the bad kid your parents warned you about , begged you not to hang out with . skipping class , a nasty smoking habit , talking back to the teachers  –  he actually stopped giving a fuck , and his behavior just worsened as time went on . despite his own birth mother being a drug addict , he did the same shit . he turned to drugs , alcohol , and violence , mostly . hanging with the wrong crowd , slick ass mouth , not afraid to punch someone , on some illegal shit , but , he became very street smart and learned to keep his shit ‘ low key ’ as he called it , really .... just not getting caught . he was barely barely passing school , just enough so his ( current ) foster parents wouldn’t bug him about shit . eventually moved to another home without as many restrictions and decent living , really , really just tried to keep a low profile all while doing hood rat shit on the low #hannahmontanawho?

! drug abuse and drug mentions tw for the next three bullets ! he really , really began to rely heavily on drugs and alcohol . started off with weed , but escalated from there . adderall , xanax , oxy , coke , mdma , even ketamine ... really any drug you can think of , all tried by the time he was sixteen . his top three favorites quickly became coke , ketamine , and obviously weed . aleks thinks he has the whole situation under control , swears he’s become a master of deceit , but it’s only really a matter of time before shit catches up to you , right ? 

he’s sixteen when him and a couple of his friends decide to drive to santa monica just for the fuck of it . they swear they’ll get him back in time , all with the idea to get really fucked up by the beach and go on an adventure . only problem is they get too fucked up and attract too much attention up to the point of getting caught . four teens running in different directions from the cops , high as fuck .... lovely tbh 🥴

again , you can kind of see where this is headed .... him and another guy were the unlucky ones , of course . aleks gets caught with only a joint on him , but tests positive for a bunch of drugs . it’s already his second offense too . he gets four days in juvie this time , drug counseling once he’s out . the only problem is no one really knows where he’s going to get placed after this , though he’s pretty sure it’ll be some high restriction group home , but very surprisingly , he’s wrong ! end of drug abuse and drug mentions tw !

the day he gets released from juvie is the day he meets a man named murphy peters , or my favorite person ever ( what aleks will soon come to think of him ) . murphy isn’t really too sure about taking him in until he gets told ‘ well if you don’t take him i guess i can just send him to a group home ’ . they just look at each other at that moment , aleks’ eyes filled with unshed tears , beat up and tired , and murphy turns back to the guy and legit says ‘ nah , don’t even bother . just a few weeks , right ? ’ 

he’s super shut down emotionally when arriving at his place . murphy is a single foster parent with an old , really friendly pitbull named pawly for company , no other foster kids in his apartment . being tossed around so much , aleks assumes it’ll only be a matter of time before he fucks up and gets sent somewhere else . that’s how it always seems to go down anyways , and he did only say a few weeks after all 

but things take an unexpected turn for the better on the second day he’s there . three in the morning , he’s awake but the lights are turned off , pitch dark . he randomly hears murphy open the door and pretends to be asleep . a part of aleks feels like this might get dark very fast . after all , he lives alone . he’s a single foster parent , and aleks has lived through enough in the system to know how fucked up it is . the last thing he’s really expecting is for murphy to shake him roughly like ‘ wake up kid , wake up , i know you not really sleepin’ ! ’ so he kind of just sits up and turns on the light like um .... it’s like three am , and murphy is pacing back and forth around his room like ‘ aight , i figured it out , kid ! ’ and aleks is just like haha yeah cool ..... again , it’s three am

strangely enough , murphy starts telling him his life story , through and through and aleks can’t help but think how this old man he met two days ago figured all this shit out . it makes him angry that he’s apparently so transparent ( he’s really not , murphy is just next level ) . truth be told , he wants to swing at murphy , and he knows it’ll get him into deep shit , but he does it anyways . imagine his shock when this old man blocks his punch and manages to slam dunk him back onto his bed . he’s just like what the fuck aren’t you like eighty KVBFDJ

moral of the story is they get into an argument and aleks eventually tells him that the reason he’s so angry is because he ‘ can’t beat up everyone he hates , you included ’ ( half true , but definitely not the only reason he’s so pissed at the world ) , even more random when murphy is like ‘ i’m gonna teach you some healthy ways to let out that anger , be ready at ten am , kid ! ’ and aleks really thinks he’s making fun of him so he’s like ‘ yeah , okay .... fuck you old man ! ’ as murphy makes his way out

but ... he’s not talking shit ! ten am on the dot and he’s getting dragged to what he thinks is a gym , but it’s actually a dojo . he thinks murphy is talking out his ass when he tells him he’s going to teach him karate , and enroll him in boxing classes for the summer . he’s just wondering how this old solitary man is gonna even teach him good karate to begin with , but he soon learns that the old saying don’t judge a book by it’s cover is pretty much murphy to a t

he is right though . he starts boxing and karate and it does help him a lot ! he realizes how much doing these things gets his mind off everything . even though he’s basically ‘ fighting ’ it brings him a strange sense of peace , and surprisingly ? discipline too . he knows this whole thing is temporary but it still changes his mindset a lot . he mostly begins to focus on physical activity and becoming the best at what he’s doing rather than his old bad habits like drugs and alcohol , stealing , any type of petty crimes he used to commit . at the time he didn’t want to admit it , but murphy was definitely right . this was for sure helping him take out all the anger he has inside , all without doing things that could get him arrested

and him and murphy start to really bond too . they both like the same bands , they’re both aquarius’ , similar tastes in tv shows and movies , they both have nearly the same sense of humor , murphy was even a foster kid like him who out grew the system , but again , aleks really tries to not get attached because he knows he’s just being nice , but he really really starts to fuck with murphy . deep down in his head he’s like ‘ i kind of wish he was my dad ’ .... making me emo and shit smh

when school comes around , beginning of his junior year , he manages to convince everyone to let him drop out and get his ged . school really just isn’t for him and it never has been , being in a place with a bunch of other teens for like eight hours for five days a week gives him anxiety , just drains his social battery completely . he does drop out , but he’s pushed so roughly by murphy to get his ged , he manages to pass the test by late november , basically graduating over an entire year ahead of his actual class

and life seems to get better from there ! murphy eventually tells him he wants to make this a permanent thing . aleks gets so happy he actually bursts into tears 🥺

the entire process takes a lot longer than necessary though , especially with his record . in the beginning , they can’t find his actual birth certificate . his actual birth father , for some reason , refuses to sign away his parental rights at first ( aleks is like bro i literally hate you .... sign the fucking papers ) . kind of starts to seem like the whole universe is against him . every time the coast looks clear and it seems like they can go through with the adoption process , something happens and delays the entire thing . it actually takes him over a year until he finally gets legally adopted by murphy , when he’s seventeen . actually the happiest day of his life

things only seem to get even better from then on out . he gets his driver’s license , his tattoo artist license in california when he’s nineteen , starts working at an actual shop in venice beach when he’s almost twenty . he’s not the best at first , but not terrible . eventually , he becomes really really good though . he basically paints , listens to music and does a mixture of boxing and karate during his free time . he tattoos and pierces people for income , starts saving up because he really wants to drive down to mexico one day , with murphy in his rv . actually the road trip of his dreams !

but , remember when i said it kind of seems like the universe is against him ? 🥴

it’s february first of this year , four days before his twenty first birthday , and nine days before murphy’s , when him and murphy get into a fight . aleks can’t even recall what the fight was about , but he gets so angry , he takes murphy’s rv and drives to god knows where . he gets really drunk one night and starts doing a bunch of dumb shit , but his dumbest idea has to be stealing a backpack full of diamonds from these two guys . gets chased by them for a moment , but manages to get away , all while being told ‘ you’re gonna regret that shit so hard bro ! ’ . in his defense , he had no idea the backpack was filled with diamonds , he just liked the way it looked because it was a kipling ? he liked the little monkey keychain ? imagine his surprise when he opens the thing and see’s probably at least half a million dollars in diamonds . he’s just like wow that’s crazy .... i’m gonna drive back home right fucking now . four , almost five years of sobriety .... thrown down the toilet when he gets drunk , but he tells himself it was just a single slip up . that he’ll do better 

he gets back home february sixth , the day after his birthday . spends his actual twenty first birthday passed out and hungover , asleep on the bed inside the rv . he tries walking past murphy as he’s outside wiping down his car , hoping he can just pass by him without being questioned , but of course he’s wrong . another fight in aleks’ eyes , but it’s really just murphy bitching and questioning him because he cares about him , because he’s obviously concerned that he’s been gone for the past five days , phone off and everything . it starts escalating until aleks eventually screams at him and tells him that he needs to ‘ stop pretending like he actually cares about him when all he feels towards him is pity ’ which , kind of just shows that he never really got over his trust issues and general trauma from being in the system . and there’s just a moment of silence before murphy is like ‘ i don’t know when you’re thick headed ass is gonna realize i’d take a bullet for you if it came down to it ’ and of course , aleks doesn’t believe him ! now fast forward to another half second of arguing until murphy’s words are actually put into action

! guns / shooting resulting in death and panic attack tw , please skip past this bullet if this triggers you ! they’re outside when a white van drives by , he can clearly hear an angry familiar voice shout ‘ i told you you were gonna regret this ! ’ , a gun pulling out from the window crack , and he gets so nervous he just freezes on the spot . he knows exactly who it is  –  it’s the guy he stole the backpack from like , two days ago . aleks knows what he’s going to do , but he can’t seem to move . he really thinks he’s going to die , until this man literally steps right in front of him , and , just like he stated not even a whole minute ago , actually takes a bullet for him . gets shot right in the chest , and by that time , all the neighbors are outside , calling the police . the area is too heated , so the van drives off quickly after missing the shot , no license plate or anything so it’ll be harder to identify who it was . you can imagine how traumatic this moment is for aleks , and the saddest part ? he really thinks murphy will somehow magically make it , like it’ll be some type of miracle all over the news and such  –  but he’s wrong . murphy bleeds out right in front of him , aleks doing everything in his power to try and stop his bleeding , but there’s really nothing else that can be done . the last two things murphy tells aleks is to ‘ please take care of all the clown paintings around the house ’ and ‘ never lose them , don’t let anyone take them , keep them no matter what ’ and he’s pretty much gone before he can tell aleks why . he gets so so nervous , he doesn’t know what it was at the time , but he starts having an actual panic attack . all his neighbors coming up to him like ‘ oh my god kid , are you okay ? ’ and trying to help the whole situation like ‘ help is coming right now ’ but it’s kind of like aleks can’t hear a word they’re saying ? like his heart is just beating so fast and he’s suddenly sweating so much and he can barely breathe . it’s like his body is there , but his soul , his mind ? gone , panicking , hyperventilating . everything from then on seems like a blur . getting told murphy’s dead in the hospital , which he definitely already knows . the police statement he gives , half there , half not . that day , it’s like a part of him vanished . he really was not the same ever since ! end of guns / shooting resulting in death and panic attack tw end !

he panics , hardcore . the first thing he does when he gets home is instantly take all his clothes , murphy’s computer , and general important things into the rv . he doesn’t know why murphy is so fixated on the clown paintings , but of course he grabs all twenty of them , he puts those in the rv as well , connects murphy’s car to the rv , and just starts to drive , far away from venice beach . like half a million dollars in diamonds inside a backpack on top of the passengers seat , too traumatized to stay in murphy’s apartment . he just starts to drive , with the intention of going to mexico , but then his dumb ass realizes he doesn’t have his passport on him . he keeps driving until he reaches san diego , and that’s the story of how he ends up in sunhollow

he genuinely doesn’t know what to do from that point on . he pawns the diamonds and purchases an rv site and gas /electric for nearly three years , so he doesn’t have to worry about about rent for a while . yes , he’s really just living in his damn rv because he doesn’t know what else to do and he terrified . he ends up in the rocks , the rougher part of sunhollow . for the first few days , he’s petrified , super afraid the guys who ended murphy are going to find him . thankfully , that doesn’t happen , but he’s still paranoid about it

he actually cries like a baby during murphy’s birthday on february tenth . if he was still here , he would be turning sixty . imagine how awful he feels , that his actual real last conversation with him was an argument .... he hates himself tbh 

from that point on , all the progress he’s made gets flushed down the drain . the only positive thing about the whole thing is that he manages to get a job in this new city in half moon ink as a tattoo artist and piercer , with his prior experience . besides that , it’s all shit . he’s living in an rv , he doesn’t know what he’s doing or where he’s going with his life , he’s scared , and the worst part of all ? he starts abusing drugs and alcohol again , heavy this time . all his sobriety and hard work all these years ? completely gone

aleks really said ‘ fuck self love , we’re doing all the drugs ’ after murphy died . he’s just super not okay about it because he knows he’s gone because of him , because he couldn’t keep his damn sticky fingers to himself . he’s basically spiraling super hard now , and he knows wherever murphy is that he’s not happy with what he’s doing , but he can’t seem to stop . it’s like once he started using again , there was no going back

so he keeps doing hoodrat shit tbh ! his dumb ass ends up getting caught with resins of cocaine in a bag , on february twelve , literally on his birthday month . the offense wasn’t that bad because it was just coke residue , but it’s still basically a felony , and with his past record , he gets actual prison time . he was going to be in prison for a whole two months , originally three , but he got off lucky . however , with good behavior and community hours , he ends up in there for only a month , got out recently on march fifteenth . he’s doing community hours and getting drug tested by his p.o , he’s under house arrest too . he can be out between six am to six pm , but if he’s not right back in his trailer by six pm on the dot , well .... i think you can figure out what happens

he’s barely getting by really , known around town as trailer trash for obvious reasons , literally currently wearing a fucking ankle monitor . i don’t really think he cares about anything anymore ? like he’s just so done with it all . he didn’t even flinch when he got caught , didn’t try to run and willingly gave in ( which helped with his case but ) , like , that’s how done he is . genuinely didn’t care that he was going to actual prison . he just does not care . he’s barely living , one day at a time

i’m gonna end his backstory here , below are some headcanons !

headcanons

! drug abuse , suicidal and death thoughts tw ! this is kind of sad , but he’s reached a point in his life where he doesn’t really care if he lives or dies . in fact , he spends a lot of his time thinking about how he’s going to die , when , if it’ll be painful or not .... really really depressive and dark suicidal thoughts . the only thing is that despite everything he’s gone through , aleks doesn’t have it in him to actually commit suicide . he thinks about it constantly , thinks about getting run over by a car or drowning or shooting a damn bullet through his head , literally any type of death , but he would actually never pull through with it . he wants it to happen , but he doesn’t have it in him . this is a reason why he abuses drugs so much at this point . of course he likes the high , but in the back of his mind , he’s really really hoping he’ll take so much , it’ll kill him . that way if he dies , it won’t look intentional , just like your typical overdose . like , his heavy drug usage is literally a cry for help . he really doesn’t care if he takes it too far , he actually wants to take it too far always , but he never seems to overdose . he’s mixed a bunch of stuff before , but it just doesn’t happen ? in a way he feels he’s cursed , because he can’t even overdose and die properly . again , his idea of the universe being completely against him ! end of drug abuse , suicidal and death thoughts tw ! 

he actually .... doesn’t have a smart phone ! no bullshit , has some crap flip phone and a government phone he uses to speak to his p.o , that’s it . the only smart type of technology he really has is murphy’s 2018 mac book pro and a smart tv he has set in his rv . he rarely gets close to anyone , but on the rare occasion that he does , if they ask for his number , no bullshit , he gives them the number from pizza hut , has it memorized and all . you have to be really , really special for him to give you his number . the only people who really have his number are customers ( people he tattoos , and does piercings for ) like , that’s literally it . isn’t part of the gc ( the ic chat on discord ) , doesn’t have an instagram , twitter or any type of social media , actually old school as fuck , which is wild , considering he was born in 2000 

he has a fuck ton of cds ! literally no one has cds anymore but he has so so so many . oasis , red hot chili peppers , my chemical romance , sleeping with sirens , arctic monkeys , yes , asking alexandria , the list goes on .... so many cds because this is really all he does in his rv . play a cd and start painting or sketching some tattoo ideas . he loves music a lot and considers it an escape , even though he doesn’t have a musical bone in his body and doesn’t play any type of instrument , but he just loves music so much , literally always listens to music no matter what he’s doing . his favorite band is oasis , murphy put him on that band . they’re favorite song was supersonic and they would listen to it together on repeat forever while driving , jamming to other oasis songs on the road as well . aleks listened to supersonic on repeat on the ride from venice beach to san diego . he cried the entire way . 

he’s like ..... a kleptomaniac for real . he’ll walk into a clothing store with a large hoodie on , grab twenty different shirts , go into the dressing room , put on ten of those twenty shirts , slide his oversized hoodie on top , and walk right out . sometimes he won’t even have any real reason to steal stuff , he just does because he’s bored . will go into a store and take something he doesn’t even need , surprisingly has never been caught . very reckless of him considering his situation , but again , he just doesn’t care anymore . he spends a lot of his money on drugs , so he’ll steal basic necessities sometimes , like toilet paper , tooth paste , soap , shampoo and conditioner . the weirdest thing he steals hands down is like .... family pictures of people he doesn’t even know ? like it’s so weird , he’ll jack a wallet , take all the money , and realize there’s like a family picture in there , the wife , the husband , their kids , a dog . weird as fuck , but he takes the money and family picture and throws out the wallet ? again , super weird , but i think never really having a legit family and losing the one person he loved unconditionally who believed in him caused this ? he’s just like you know .... what let me live through the eyes of these people <3  super fucking strange , literally has a few pictures of random ass families he doesn’t even know at all just stuffed into his glove compartment , for no reason at all .... fucking weirdo tbh

another fun fact is he has hypermobile shoulders ( or double jointed shoulders ) . he realized this when getting handcuffed once , his arms behind his back . he thought to himself ‘ i feel i can bring my arms above my head to bring my handcuffs to the front without breaking my arms ’ surprise , surprise , he definitely could ! does that weird shit and brings his entire arms from the back to the front while holding them , he said undercover contortionist here !

this is a wild headcanon , but remember those twenty clown paintings murphy insisted aleks never get rid of ? entire story behind those things . so murphy ? actually won the powerball in 2015 . no lie , magically got all numbers right , won 238 million . with federal withholding and taxes and all ? still left murphy with a stacking 101 million dollars . he spent less than half , leaving him with exactly 64 million dollars . now you would expect him to start living a glamorous life after that right ? well wrong ! he remained humble as ever, bought an rv and the car he wanted , payed off his bills , donated some money to charity , but continued living in his hood ass apartment in venice beach , kept quiet about the entire thing , never told a single soul . he’s the type of old school guy that would rather keep his money under his mattress rather than in a bank , doesn’t trust banks , only had a debit card because it was absolutely necessary , and a credit card he never really used , really just to build decent credit . he knew he couldn’t empty his entire account in one go , so he emptied it , little by little , gradually with time , until he eventually had all 64 million dollars in cash , all one hundred dollar bills . he knew he couldn’t store the money in a duffel bag like an idiot , so what did this man do ? literally .... put the money inside the paintings . no lie , inside the paintings . he knew no one would ever wanna steal a hideous clown painting , he was smart about it . each painting is stored with 3.2 million dollars inside , all one hundred dollar bills , meaning each painting carries exactly 32,000 one hundred dollar bills inside , tightly packed together so they all fit , wrapped and all . now really , really stop to think about this ..... aleks ? actually has 64 million god damn dollars inside his rv , stored inside those hideous clown paintings , and the most wild part ? he has absolutely no idea at all . to him , they’re just ugly ass clown paintings that weigh a ton ( because they’re stuffed with money , aleks ! ) . crazy , right ? everyone in sunhollow thinking he’s dirt poor trailer trash , without a nickel to his name . shit , he thinks the same thing too ! positive he’s gonna die broke as fuck and alone , but little does he know ? man is carrying 64 million in his shitty rv , and he has absolutely no fucking clue at all . definitely going to accidentally find out one day ( but that calls for a future self para tbh )

murphy had no intentions of spending all the money on himself , planned to donate the other half and spend the rest living his final days in santo domingo , dominican republic ( literally .... that’s how humble this man is ) . around that time is when he started fostering aleks though , and after the first few months with him , he knew , right away , that he was going to give that money to him one day . didn’t tell him about it because he knew it would freak him out and he wouldn’t stop asking about it , but he knew all that money would be his . stored it all away in those terrible clown paintings , specifically because he knew no one would suspect a thing . wanted to tell him about it , but passed away before he could . aleks still doesn’t know what’s in those paintings , has them stacked away somewhere because he thinks they’re so ugly , but would never throw them away because it was murphy’s last wish . the day he finds out what they actually have inside though ? his life will do a whole 360 . again , i’m gonna work into that though

people just think he’s trailer trash tbh and he does nothing to prove them wrong . i think his reputation just follows him around . lots of people don’t bother to get to know him and he doesn’t really bother to get to know people . he’s a big ass loner , spends nearly every single day alone minus when he’s at the tattoo shop . lots of people are really intimidated by him , especially with all the rumors about him , and that fucking ankle monitor tbh , but he doesn’t care , doesn’t do anything to try and stop what people think . he’s like if people wanna think i’m trailer trash whatever i don’t care , and he really , really doesn’t

he’s actually kind of a low key hoe ? bisexual as fuck and will hook up with just about anyone . it’s wild though because he’ll fuck you and kind of just disappear ? half the time he doesn’t even do it on purpose , he’ll kind of just dip without giving you his phone number or even wait for you to wake up . like you’ll maybe wanna make breakfast for both you guys , but you look to the other side of your bed and he’s no longer there . no phone number , no way of contacting him , kind of just a ghost . he never let’s people come over to his place ever ( because .... rv tbh ) so it’s not like there’s any way you can really see him again if you wanted to . unless you randomly see him somewhere , but odds are he’ll disappear into the background before you even really get a chance to talk to him . gives him this asshole reputation , but the truth is he just doesn’t want people getting too close to him out of fear that they’ll abandon him . you’ll think you’re starting a lovely friendship with him or even just a great hook up and he’ll randomly just ghost for like six months 🥴 never see him again type shit

he actually .... doesn’t really like being touched at all ? it’s weird because he likes sex a lot and doesn’t mind being touched everywhere in that moment during the heat of it , but like let’s say afterwards maybe you wanna cuddle ? you wanna greet him with a hug ? a little kiss on the cheek ? he’s not comfortable with that . he doesn’t mean to be an ass about it , but he actually physically cringes when someone just greets him with a random hug without any type of warning . will literally push you away and be like ‘ please don’t touch me again ’ . maybe this has to due with his childhood in general but like .... do not greet him with a random hug or kiss on the cheek ever because he will literally disappear so fast , push you away so quickly . if he initiates it , sure , but if it’s just random from the other party , he’s not gucci with it . i think if he finds someone he actually really cares about and vibes with he would be okay with physical affection ( example , he let murphy hug him all the time ) , but like let’s say he just meets you and you wanna go in for a friendly hug ? he’s gonna take like three steps back . makes him look like an asshole , but he really can’t help it . he doesn’t like being thrown off guard like that , strangely feels like he doesn’t have control of the situation ? he’s super weird tbh . he’s fine with a fist bump , or a quick handshake though

he hates mind games ! hates them . he’s definitely not the type of guy you can give a million hints to and he’s fine just figuring them out and going along with it . he doesn’t like indirect people who say one thing but mean something else and say this with hopes that you ‘ catch on ’ , he hates that difficult shit . he will catch onto every single hint you send , know exactly what you want too , but he’s not going to do anything about it . he wants someone who can be blunt and upfront with him , someone who knows what they want and shouts it to the world , someone who will tell him what they want from the start , no sugar coating , no beating around the bush , no mind games or backwards flirting . he’s a very blunt person , will tell you what he wants right off the bat without even blinking , doesn’t believe in the will they/won’t they bullshit . you’re either upfront and straight up with him , or you can play those mindgames for like , fifteen minutes with him before he ghosts you quick as fuck . like you want him to be super unattracted to you ? play mind games with him , beat around the bush , and hint at stuff while never directly telling him what you want . watch you never hear from him ever again tbh

he actually did half the tattoos he has . he’s become a very skilled artist , really good at sketching , painting , anything involving art with his hands . it’s relaxing to him . he hasn’t done any type of boxing or karate since murphy died , but he can very easily pick up from where he left off . he has a black belt , very good at both things , but has been avoiding it since the whole thing with murphy went down 

he actually has undiagnosed bipolar disorder and even ptsd , especially from that bullet . he doesn’t really know this , but even just the sound of a gun going off can trigger him , take him back to murphy’s backyard , blood everywhere . it’s never happened to him before thankfully , but it’s a possible idea for a future thread or even self para . he has ptsd over lots of things that happened in his childhood and teen years , but a gun shot would probably really trigger him . for his bipolar disorder , he has a mixture of both manic and depressive episodes , but mostly manic ones . he’ll be awake for an entire week and not even really feel tired , fake elevated happiness , but it’s hard for him to notice he even has a problem with how heavily he abuses drugs . being high all the time never gives his brain a moment to think

literally getting drug tested every other week , but he’s still doing drugs ? he’s currently barely smoking weed because he knows that stays in your system forever , but drugs that flush out in just a couple of days or don’t even show up ? he’s all for it ! catch him with niacin , cranberry pills and juice , and cleansing pills like , two days prior . he hasn’t failed a drug test yet but he’s still doing drugs . actual dumb ass criminal mastermind ? like .... the lengths he’ll go to get high but not get caught ..... go to fucking therapy and rehab aleks holy fuck

murphy’s old pitbull ended up dying at seventeen years old , in 2018 ! no one thought he would make it for so long , but little guy did . aleks still remembers the pitbull , has a little pitbull small tattoo somewhere on his right arm in honor of this dog . his name was pawly 

despite the fact that he hasn’t spoken norwegian in over a decade ( last time with his sister ) , he still vividly remembers it , since it was basically his first language . like , he claims he doesn’t remember it anymore , claims he forgot , but if someone just randomly starts speaking norwegian , his brain would instantly put all the words together and he would start speaking back fluently . you can’t forget what you fully learned , aleks !

a part of him wants to reconnect with his sister . he hasn’t seen her in over a decade , has no clue where she’s at , if she ever got adopted or if she’s even alive at this point . he really wants to find her but doesn’t know where to start ? little does he know she’s literally living in sunhollow too ( shoutout to aurora thorsen sparks )

really , really wants to be a vegetarian , later on a vegan ! he loves animals so much , has seen so many documentaries where he knows fucking animal slaughterhouses and meat is like the number one cause of the green house effect ( especially slaughter houses , watch cowspiracy on netflix to get an idea ) , but he’s a broke ass bitch right now and just eats whatever , when he’s even hungry . he always tells himself that if he ever has money ( HAHAHA LITTLE DO YOU KNOW ALEKS ) that he’s definitely going to become a big ass vegan . loves cows so much , would dead ass go ‘ moo ’ if he were to ever meet one and would probably be upset if they don’t moo back at him 🤡

he has never left california , literally ever . he’s been nearly all around cali , but has never left , not even to another state  –  it’s legit all he knows . he really , really wants to travel , take a road trip down to mexico ( literally even knows some okay spanish from being friends with so many mexicans and central and south americans ) like , he just really wants to go anywhere . he’d like to visit his parents’ hometown , a little town in norway named stavanger . he wants to go all around south america , buenos aires , rio de janeiro , lima , he just wants to go places and see life from outside the shithole he’s been stuck in since forever , and one day he will do it ( when he finally finds that fucking money damn ) . if he could choose to live anywhere , he would probably wanna go to his family roots , in norway . he already speaks the language so it should be fairly easy ( kind of wild how he wants to do all this yet he wants to die at the same time .... sad boi hours tbh )

may not look like it , but he really can kick your ass if he wants to ( that karate / boxing in him be like 😜 ) . if you see him from far , he looks like a little soft angel ( baby face that will never go away ngl ) but don’t let his physical appearance fool you ! he will dead ass high kick someone in the face if he has to , no remorse . he isn’t as violent anymore compared to when he was a teen , but if he feels like he’s going to be attacked or feels like you genuinely want to physically hurt him , he won’t hesitate to fuck you up 

even though he’s grown a tougher shell over the years , he’s very low key still a softy . deep down inside , he’s still that little kid that would cry whenever people were mean to him . he can be very sensitive and compassionate ..... but on the inside . obviously he no longer bursts into tears like he used to as a little kid , but contrary to popular belief , if you really get to know him , he’s soft . shows with how much he loves animals , and it’s weird because he doesn’t like being touched unexpectedly , looks like a bad ass and acts like one , but deep down ? soft ass heart , too soft for this world , needs to find the right person to actually connect with and cuddle gdi

he has the tiniest little scar , right below his right eye , where kyle decked him ( left handed punch ) . it’s really barely even noticeable , and lots of people who have short conversations with him won’t even realize . if you’re talking to him for a while , and really admire his face though , you’ll notice it . again , not a huge scar , not super prominent , really blends in with his skin , and usually something most people miss , but it’s there

i’m gonna end this here because this is long and i’m going to leave connections to brain storming , but below is his birthchart !

#hqclique.intro #foster care system tw #violence tw #injury tw #death tw #guns tw #shooting tw #suicidal thoughts tw #alcohol abuse tw #drug abuse tw #blood mention tw #i feel this deserves sooo many tws #lmk if i'm missing one!! #this took me an embarrassing amount of time tbh i'm so ashamed damn #( queuekachu ! ) #mental illness tw

[draculaurennn]

PRERELATIONSHIP -Liona General – Cullida Love – McJunk Domestic Life - Fuujiro

S— SHIP QUESTIONS @silverblighted

PRE-RELATIONSHIP — Liona .

How did they first meet? Siona was locked in a crumbling temple under the deserts sands and best girl Nova found her! And then Link and Gan cornered them like 10 minutes after they escaped.

What was their first impression of each other? For like 5 min Link thought she was actually tricking them that she wasn’t an evil mage, and then she passed out, and he was like “ok maybe not.” Siona’s first impression was like 2 hours later when she woke back up and she thought he was really nice!

Did any of their friends or family want them to get together? Link’s fam really did not! But Siona’s only family is Nova and she did. 

Who felt romantic feelings first? Uhhhh... I think technically Siona did, but only because she thought meeting a prince like that is really romantic and was probably just projecting that ideal on him a little bit. But either way they’re both idiots smitten within 24 hours so ¯\_(ツ)_/¯

Did either of them try to resist their feelings? Siona does, a few times. She does because she has to go home, she does because she thinks she has to return to the Twilight Realm alone, and she does because she doesn’t think the way her story is playing out that she’ll be allowed to stay with Link. I think Link probably did for like one week and then decided it’s not worth it to try resisting people you care deeply about. 

If you had told one of them that the other would be their soulmate, what would they think? asdfghjhgfd this one’s so hard UHHHHHH i think Link would think that’s pretty fuckin swell and makes sense if it goes hand in hand with finding a lost princess in the desert, and i think Siona would say that’s not a thing but she’d be super jazzed bc she’s an idiot romantic too. 

GENERAL — Cullida .

Who initiated the relationship, and how did it go? It’d ultimately be left up to Cullen, I think. I think Cressida wouldn’t have been afraid to tell him she was waiting on him to tell her when he was ready, but I don’t think she would have ever pushed it after that. So it was probably Cullen, and it was probably right after her dumb ass almost died after Haven. Went great, though, even if she was groggy and turned around. Cressida would have probably told him it was about time LOL

Did they have an official first date? If so, what was it like? As official as you can get when you’re in the Inquisition, I guess. I don’t even know if they count things as dates? Just nice outings with each other away from their jobs and duties. More than likely it was a nice trip to a lake to sit and chat and have a picnic and not worry about busy places and other people. 

What was their first kiss like? Their technical first kiss is in the alternate reality nightmare with Dorian, and Cressida tried kissing a red lyrium-corrupted Cullen to get through to him. For her, that was a first, but it was awful, and not even in their reality, so it doesnt really count. Their actual first kiss was in Haven right before she ran off to help Vesta, bc I think they were both pretty sure they were just doing to die there LOL. 

Were they each other’s first anything (kiss, relationship, etc.)? Cressida is Cullen’s first-pretty-much-everything. I guess technically Cullen is Cressida’s first (and only) husband, which she’s pretty glad about. 

What’s their height difference? Age difference? Cullen’s about a foot taller than Cressida, and nine years her senior. 

What’s their relationship with each other’s families? Cressida’s family is... almost totally horrible. Her dad is dead, so no relation for Cullen there, and her mother is a monster of a woman who abused the hell out of her sister. Vesta is awkward with Cullen but I think she’s grown to like him over time. (Not enough to tell him, but enough to be supportive I think LOL). They’re cordial enough and can be in a room alone, even if they don’t talk a lot.  Cullen’s family is so many sisters and a brother, and they all love Cressida. Cressida was panicked to meet them; she doesn’t panic meeting anyone, but she was really worried they wouldn’t like her bc she doesn’t think she, as a genuine person, is a likable person. She was also worried they’d think she was too pompous and shallow because she just doesn’t do field work. But they really like her bc she’s earnest and forthright and tries, even if she’s awful at menial field tasks. And they joke she’s too pretty for Cullen, so that’s always a plus. 

Who takes the lead in social situations? Cressida. Hands down. It’s what she’s good at, it’s what she lives for, and it probably annoys some people that she has to open her mouth, but she commands a situation very well and in her mind, that’s how it should be. Cullen’s p fine w that though bc he doesn’t love social situations and he’d rather do his own job and be left alone.

Who gets jealous easier? Uhhh, probably Cullen. Cress doesn’t make that easy for him bc she’s flirty and commanding and winds people around her fingers to get her way. I think there’s been a few times early on where he wasn’t even sure she genuinely liked him or not bc she can pay fake attention and admiration so convincingly even to people she doesn’t like. Cressida’s also... like, so obnoxiously confident in her own outward personality but also so incredibly convinced by how much Cullen loves her (once she knows) that I don’t think she ever worries about him vying after someone else. (Although, she did get pretty upset and tilted with the Warden Surana hanging around since she knows about that LMAO.) 

LOVE — McJunk .

Who said “I love you” first? Jesse. He said it a few times. Jun-ki’s kinda mean, though; I’m pretty sure she told him no he doesn’t a few times? Idk, he’s too nice for this bitch.

What are their primary love languages? Jesse’s is pet names and touch both. He’s not really shy so he can express it in a lot of ways. Jun’s is small gestures, like sitting with someone while they’re struggling. I guess her other one is also literally fighting people for him even tho he definitely probably did not ask LOL. 

How often do they cuddle/engage in PDA? All the time. All the fucking time. Their coworkers hate them. Think April and Andy, and then multiply. (And Jun literally would spit her gum in this man’s mouth just to annoy other people.) 

What are their favorite things to do together? They do... so much together uhhhh sdfghj idk, I know Jun likes doing most things with Jesse around now. Movie nights, pizza dates, annoying PDA, drinking games, weird places to fuck... they’re a little inseparable. I think the only thing Jun doesn’t like to do with Jesse around is upgrade sessions with Angela because she doesn’t want to be seen all broken up, and training segments because she doesn’t want to be responsible for him getting hurt. 

Who’s better at comforting the other? Jesse. Jun’s never been good at it. He says what he thinks she needs to hear without impressing on her a bunch of psychology she never said she had. He’s just good at offering her something to relate to and a shoulder to lean on. Jun’s not very good with words, though, so she’s not very good at or sure how to offer comfort when someone needs it, especially Jesse. But she just says she’ll hang around and if they fight about it she just says to shut up and deal with it. He’s usually better once he vents.

Who’s more protective? BIG DEBATABLE. I think it’s pretty... even. I think either of them will fight as hard as they can for the other, though I think Jun may be the only one more likely to throw herself into actual harm’s way, and that’s just because she’s definitely the more reckless of the two. 

Do they prefer verbal or physical affection? Jesse’s a more verbal person but I think physical affection and affirmation is where they’ve connected. No one has to say anything, he just does, but it’s just the cherry to the rest of it and physical communication and affection is more than enough for both of them. 

What are some songs that apply to their relationship, in-universe or otherwise? THERE”S A WHOLE BUNCH ON THE SPOTIFY LET ME TELL UUUUU BUT THE BEST ARE OFF THE TOP OF MY HEAD “Something About Us” by Daft Punk “Amphetamine” by MNQN and also I could add matchbox 20 but i’m not tryna get roasted

What kind of nicknames do they call each other? Yikes. Uhhhhh, Jesse’s partial to: darlin’, sweetie, sweet pea, sweet bean, juniper berry, junnie b jones, jun-bug, and the list goes onnn.  Jun’s partial to cowboy and (affectionately) dumbass. 

DOMESTIC LIFE — Fuujiro .

If they get married, who proposes? Probably Shinjiro, and it was probably something stupid and weird at the grocery store. 

What’s the wedding like? Who attends? Small, probably at a park or something, but all of their friends. They don’t have a lot, but that’s what makes it nice. I think they’d be more interested in spending money on travelling afterwards than trying to make a big deal out of a celebration.

How many kids do they have, if any? What are they like? I don’t think they have any kids. I don’t think Fuu has any interest in bringing a kid into the world bc of the shit she’s gone through on her end; there’s no innate part of her that thinks she needs to have a kid to raise them better just to make up for how alone and neglected she was as a child. If they wound up with any kids, it’d probably be some circumstantial adoption of a wayward orphan they kept coming, honestly? A mentorship or personal attachment just kind of developing, really. Like Denzel LMAO. That’s the only thing I could see happening really asdfgh.

Do they have any pets? THEY HAVE KOROMARU. Otherwise, I think they just put food and shelter boxes out for their neighbourhood cats. Shinjiro probably lets them in a lot. 

Who’s the stricter parent? Shinjiro, hands down. He was the stricter parent when he was a teenager. Fuu is/ would be the parent who is also being scolded.

Who kills the bugs in the house? Shinjiro kills them and Fuu takes them outside. Shinjiro just doesn’t think bugs belong in the house, and Fuu thinks killing them is bad luck. If he kills them before she gets to take them outside, they probably “fight” about it, but it’s not a divisive convo that’ll sour the day.  

How do they celebrate holidays? Shinjiro’s not really a holiday person and Fuu’s really busy, but I know she thinks they’re worth doing. So everything’s probably pretty quiet and half-decourated for. Holidays with events to go to that they don’t have to prepare for, like festivals, Fuu definitely nags to attend. Things like Christmas, I think they just plan on nice dinners and quiet evenings. 

Who’s more likely to convince the other to come back to sleep in the morning? Ooh, uhhhhh asdfg that’s hard. Probably Shinjiro? I don’t think he tries often, but he is the one more likely to sleep late. I guess it’d be circumstantial, in a lot of ways. Like if he wasn’t sleeping a lot lately, Fuu would sleep late to try and keep him around. If Fuu’s overworking, Shinjiro would try to bait her back. But otherwise, it’s probably Shinjiro, since she’s usually up early because she wants to run early.

Who’s the better cook? Shinjiro, hands down. Fuu’s okay at it; if she has to make dinner, she’s happy to do it and it’d be fine food, it just wouldn’t be anything exciting or special. She understands basic seasoning laws and how to use a rice cooker. Shinjiro’s the one who’s anal-retentive about produce quality, technique, prepwork, etc. He’s the one who literally watches home cooking network and considers buying a separate pasta cooker, after all. It’s one of the few things he’s really passionate about, and he’s always emphasized how important a good meal and diet are to health with the idiots he hangs around. 

#teethoc #silverblighted #fuujiro #mcjunk #cullida #liona #siona #Jun-Ki #cressida levoie #fuu maeda

[irepookie]

Infinity

Summary: QUEEN AU where Roger (akaRow) is a teen single dad and aspiring rock star

Warnings: fluff fluff fluff and some cursing.

Words: 2090

I changed the names Cause I feel more comfortable writing it that way (idk why) but I could re-change them if that'd help you getting more into the story.

Rowan Queen: (tho you can imagine Ben as well. This is my take)

Chapter 1: I'm here

Written from his mother's POV, which gives us some insight on the family background and history as the first day of the rest of their lives unravels.

Gina Marie Queen (neé Thomas) had always been ahead of her time. She was never a fearful woman. Not for men anyway. She hadn't had a father -that alcoholic piece of shit was nothing close to that.-

And for all she knew, she hadn't had a husband either -another waste of space-. She had finally kicked him out hers and her son's life after 10 years of hell when that drunk asshole's rehearsal fits had made her lose the daughter she had been longing for since she could remember.

He could throw plates at her, and she'd fight back burning his beloved match tapes. Or intoxicate his food. Those were her favorite paybacks.

He could verbally abuse their son, and wake up with pink hair the next day. (Rowan's idea when he was 10)

But the night he had pushed her and she had broken waters at month number 5, that was it.

It should have ended earlier, she knew. Her unborn daughter shouldn't have had to suffer the consequences for Gina to finally throw his shit out the window and soak them in the Jack Daniels bottle he hid under his side of the bed and light them with the lighter he'd switch his bloody cigars.

But unfortunately that's what it had taken.

And she would have strangled him in his sleep if she had known Rowan would be taken care of while in jail. But she wasn't. And someone had to think of the rebellious trouble maker too.

And when her son -yes, she decided that rebellious trouble maker was, more or less, worthy of the title despite being the spitting image of the his father- became a father, Gina feared her granddaughter would have the same fate. Row had it in his genes and , as much she had tried to raise him as best as she was capable of, that fear never faded.

So when the phone rang

"Rowan Queen?"

""I'm his mother"

"I'm from the Hospital's maternity aisle. We call to inform you that his daughter's mom has disappeared after giving birth..."

That was all she needed to hear before dropping the phone and leaving it hanging upside down

"ROWAN EUGENE QUEEN! GET YOUR FUCKING ASS HERE THIS INSTANT!"

"I've got rehearsals with the band..."

"YOU GOT SOMEONE PREGNANT, YOU IDIOT??!"

"Me? No!"

"WELL THINK AGAIN!"

"Mum..."

"Just got a call from hospital saying your daughter's mother has disappeared after birth!!! And they called us!"

He was high school's infamous Playboy. Blonde, Blue Big eyes, and a charming smile. And on top of that, one of the four members of a wannabe rock band. The Hot Drummer, they call him .Gina knew. She didn't need to hear about his reputation to know the likelihood of him getting someone pregnant was high. But she had pictured it differently.

She grabbed him by the wrist and pulled, but he didn't move. He kept staring at nowhere.

"Rowan!!!"

No reaction.

She had to slap his cheek in order to get him out his shock

"What do you want?!"

"We're going to hospital, right now"

"What? Why?"

"To work this shit out!!"

"But we have to rehearse"

"Fuck that shit Rowan! They've just told us you got someone pregnant and she run off! That's the most important thing right now so get in that this instance!!"

He did as told. It was a tense car ride. And Gina remembered Elsa. Her baby girl. And how for her father's fault she wasn't there.

"So what now?" Row asked

"We're putting her up for adoption, unless they can contact the mother, although I don't think she should have a say. But if you're the so called father and your name is in the file, we can leave your part signed and then go home."

"Oh"

Gina thought she caught a hint of disappointment in his voice.

It had to be her imagination. Disappointment over what? Missing the wonderful experience of being a teen dad? Ha.

He did look thoughtful. He hadn't even turned on the radio.

Something was off.

But she figured he'd just want to get this whole thing over with, and that he'd sign her over to a better family. As anyone with minimum common sense would

Right?

Then, as they waited for the application, he asked if he could see her.

Her answer was immediate "No"

"Why?"

"How come Why? Why on Earth would you want to see her?"

"Well I'm here. You've been freaking out , and freaking me out as well. Might as well see who this fuss is about"

"A baby. That's it. You don't need to see one. They all look the same. Small, Wrinkly, like a large prune. There you have it"

"Well I wanna see my... That small wrinkled prune"

Damn. He had said <<mine>>. He already considered her his.

Gina changed her strategy.

"Your name is on the certificate, right. But that means nothing"

"Why would it be there otherwise?""

"A mistake. Or maybe the mother just wants to tangle you up."

"The mother's gone"

"Yes. For now. It's called Baby Blues, and when it's gone She'll have you exactly where she wants to. Because I'm guessing she won't be no straight A student either, and you'll have to sustain them both -if you ever make it to college- and you'll end up getting married, and maybe you don't even love her, but divorce is even more tedious than getting married. That's why I've Never done it. So you'll both be stuck as cashiers in whatever low cost store, and then she'll confess that you were her high school crush but that the kid is actually her ex boyfriend's and then you'll throw a fit, and you'll get in a fight and you'll end up grabbing whatever is on your reach to hit whoever's on your reach...."

"Wait mom. I just... I just wanna see her." Row cut her off " Whoever the fuck she may actually be, I'm the one who's here. And I ain't signing anything without knowing who I'm making decisions for. That's all. I just want to see. I don't even want to touch her or whatever. Just knowing who's the reason I had to turn the boys down today. Then I'll sign the paper and we'll go home."

"She's in the NICU anyway. Doubt they'll let you in"

"What's NICU?" Gina caught genuine concern in his voice.

"Nothing bad." She reassured.

They handed the files, and she took them "I'll fill them"

She got through the first page, and he was gone.

Shit. That stubborn bastard.

She didn't want him to be a father. He was 19 for fucks shake. Had never had one of his own. He had only moved out a couple months ago. Nothing lasted much for him. Wether it was a girlfriend, a job, clothes... His longest pet had reached one year alive. And he couldn't go long without getting injured

Not even his drum kit had survived the move, and was litterally patched up. She'd consider herself guilty of murder if she allowed a baby to be on that list. Not to mention the alternative was that she'd be the one, sooner or later, to take over. Because he was never patient and would stress too much -if he didn't lose interest first- or get fed up and cause her shaken Baby syndrome. And just as she was too young to be a grandmother, she was too old to raise a second kid.

So she stormed inside the NICU aisle ready to get him out of there. And what she saw was quite breathtaking. The look in his eyes was priceless: such fondness and marvel... Only comparable to when he had first seen that red Ludwig drum set through the glass of the local music store.

"I've never seen something so awesome in my life!" He had said.

They had never been able to afford it. He had tried to get a job after school, to save up everything. But it hadn't been enough. And he'd go everyday to that street, and just stare at the shiny wonderful kit for hours, hands on the glass, knowing that the likelihood of ever owning it was almost non existent.

He ended up making acquaintance with the owner. They tried to bargain for it, but his lowest price was way too high for them. He did get to play it once tho, and it was an undescribable experience. Murray, the owner, let him give it a try out of pity when someone else bought it, as a farewell. And had never seen anything like it again.

Now this baby was, technically, his -regardless of what biology could say- and he was about to give it away.

Gina did know on first hand it was, having been a volunteer on midwife assistance with her aunt. And 10/10 woman who swore to never want anything to do with their child changed their minds as soon as they laid eyes on them. Only those who really followed through -take it away, I don't wanna see it- walked out there with empty arms.

Now Row was looking at that baby ad if she was a treasure, but that meant nothing in the long term. His father had done something similar to Elsa's sonogram.

Her poor little girl. So young.

So helpless. She had been so naive thinking he would ever change.

But she wasn't gonna make that mistake again. She loved her son, but he really wasn't good at anger management.

She couldn't expose another innocent child to such danger.

"Rowan, come here now. You've seen her. Got what you wanted. Met her. Now let's get this over with"

His hand was resting on the top of the incubators glass, even if he had unglued his eyes from the tiny being inside and nailed on her now, as if he had been staring at the sun for a long while and was now blinded.

"Why the hurry?"

Was she hearing correctly?

"How come Why the hurry? Because we both have things to do"

"I've already cancelled the one plan I had..."

"Well I still have an errand to get done."

He didn't reply, eyes back on the child

"Rowan" she approached him, making sure not to look at the kid. "Rowan Eugene Queen, look at me when I'm talking to you" she ordered in a strict tone

"What?"

"Papers. Signature. Now"

"I'm thinking about it"

"Thinking about...?! Thinking about what? What's there to think? Sign these and we'll go home, and we'll never have to look back at this! Nobody has to know."

"And what about the raisin?"

"The what?"

"Her. What about her?"

"She'll be fine. Adopting couples love newborns. She'll go to a fit, nice marriage and will be very happy. And we'll resume our lives"

"And I'll never see her again?"

"Why do you care?"

He just shrugged and turned his attention back to her. Gina watched him watch her. Goddamn. She was losing him.

"Are you the father?" A nurse asked, walking towards.

*Don't say it. Don't say it. Don't say it*

Gina prayed.

"I suppose I am" He said it so naturally, with such a bright genuine smile that Gina almost forgot how critical those words were.

"Well, I'm Callie, and I'm on charge tonight. Congratulations, Mr... Oh, Queen." Her eyes widened When reading the tag on the incubator. "We're glad at least someone's here"

"Yea, well..." He scratched the back of his head nervously

"Don't worry. Her mom will get over it." She turned to Gina "You must be Gran..."

"No I'm not" Gina snapped harshly before she could finish the sentence "We were leaving"

"We were not"

"Rowan, I will not repeat it. Sign those bloody papers and get your ass back in the car"

"What if I don't want to?"

"This is serious! There's no other way!"

"Yes there is!"

"You can't be serious!" What 19 year old would ever choose this?

"Well I am"

"You don't even know what serious means! You have no sense of responsibility! You've never finished anything you've ever started!"

"Maybe I want to change! Maybe I can grow up if you stop pestering the shit outta me day In day out! This is not your decision!"

"I'm not letting you do this Row!"

"Then go! Leave me the fuck alone and stop getting in my way!"

Before Gina could answer, a small cry came from the incubator.

And she found herself walking backwards.

It was right she couldn't stop him but she wasn't gonna take part on it.

So she turned around and left, as the nurse explained Row how to hold his newborn daughter.

"You're not gonna break her, I promise. You'll do fine. Because you're here. Just because you're here I know you're gonna be a great dad. You already are" Callie said, putting his trembling arms on the correct position before lifting the small white bundle out the incubator.

They usually didn't do it unless it was necessary for a feed or a change, but she thought this was even more important: they had to meet each other properly: The little one needed to hold on to someone after being abandoned. And there was something in the young boy's eyes that told her he needed just the same.

So with a reassuring smile Callie placed her on Rowan's arms, who brought her closer to his chest by instinct, a small smile already on his lips as he took in her features.

She was gorgeous. And he didn't know why, but he found her to be the most perfect thing he had ever seen. He instantly knew he was gonna protect that wrinkled prune at all costs.

"Hey there, lil'raisin. I'm..." He swallowed the lump in his throat "I'm your Dad and... I'm here now."

🎶🎶🎶🎶🎶🎶

Hope you guys liked it

It's my first fic on Tumblr so I still don't have the formatting completely handled and my phone won't let me select all the paragraphs at once to put it all in regular font.

Let me know what you think. Thank you all!!😍😍😍😍

~Pookie

#bohemian rhapsody #queen band #roger taylor #roger taylor baby #roger taylor daughter #single dad! roger taylor #ben hardy! roger taylor #fluff #queen fic #queen family #queen #queen fanfiction #queen fandom #queen fluff #fathers and daughters #Rowan Queen #Infinity fic #music #infinity fic

[cybervigilant]

Thank you for answering my question about Elliot's ancestry! Do you also have head canons about how his mother ended up being the way she was? Was she born that way? How does a woman from Egypt end up in America married to a white man, and being abusive? Is it connected, or does she happen to have a personality disorder that she would have no matter her cultural and marital background?

Trigger warning for child abuse. Gaslighting. Death. etc.

I honestly don’t put too much thought into Elliot’s mother because I highly dislike her and I don’t think abusers deserve my attention more than the basics. That’s not to say I won’t take the time for a more in-depth look into her at some point. We don’t know a whole lot about her history so I’m hesitant to plan out too much until I see if season 4 reveals anything more about her which I think it might since we’ve seen weird shots of Darlene with a haircut I’m guessing is meant to look like their mom so idk if it’s some weird trippy thing or not. 

ANYWAYS. Magda. What we do know. She has a very strong personality. One which worked overtop Edward’s more gentle push-over personality or more so I think she made him feel like he had to settle and keep the peace by giving into her. I think she withheld most of the physical abuse until after Edward died because I don’t see him sitting by at letting his wife burn his kids with cigarettes. I think any physical abuse, such as grabbing the kids too hard by the arm or smacking them or shaking them she was able to hide most of the physical signs and the kids would have been too scared to mention it. Darlene would have been pretty young and I think she started more on Elliot because she would have not known how to handle him (being undiagnosed on the a.utism spectrum and being picky about foods, textures, routines, noises). She would have gotten frustrated when he wouldn’t answer her (going non-verbal) and I think she saw it as a sign of disrespect. She would have continually berated Elliot for this. Calling him a bad son. That she didn’t deserve this. That he was worthless. A waste of space. That she gave him everything and this is how he repaid her. She would have hit him to try to get him to respond or to do as she asked. 

Quite frankly she was not someone who was ever meant to be a mother. She doesn’t have the patience for it and it made her bitter. So her with a kid like Elliot who was not the easiest child, just was a bad mix from the start. Elliot was closer to his dad who took the time to understand him, didn’t force him to speak or do things that made him uncomfortable. We see her taking away what looks like a gameboy and holding his arms down while she is smoking, no doubt about to put it out on his arm because he presumably was hyperfocusing on his game. We see her forcing him to eat something which clearly was making him uncomfortable due to sensory reasons. 

So as to your actual question. I think Magda immigrated as a young adult. Part of me lowkey HCs that she went to NYC first not NJ where she’d eventually start a family with Edward simply because it’s that big city dream. I have this random HC in my head that she was interested in acting and/or modeling because that just came to me for some reason but she’s very bitter about life so I would say she was unsuccessful. It seems like she settled down and Edward was the primary breadwinner with his big E Corp job while she raised the kids (poorly of course). I think she cares about money and nice things and probably made Edward feel like he really had to provide for the family so she could also maintain a certain lifestyle even if it wasn’t super glamorous. So I just see her seeing family life as more of a job than something special to be cherished. I DON’T tie her ethnicity into how she acts as a mother because that’s problematic for me. Lol. Some people are just shitty it doesn’t matter where you’re from. I also don’t see her having any explicit personality disorder. She could but I am not gonna try to diagnose her from a few scenes we got plus Elliot’s not the most reliable narrator we just know her treatment of him was bad enough that he developed DID. 

tldr; I just think she’s a very bitter woman who was never meant to be a mother and took out some of her failures in life out on her kids because she was unhappy. I do think her and Edward were happy at some point but she’s got far too strong of a personality and he would feel like he’d have to give in to things to keep her happy. 

#Anonymous #SORRY I MEANT TO ANSWER THIS SOONER i hope you see this response nonnie #thanks for the question again #long post cw #i got wordy again

[lovedeluxe92]

okay so i started working at jimmy johns in early febuary of this year. i needed a job rlly bad and money desperately, just something to keep me afloat and to afford food. what i experienced...i was not at all prepared for lmao. i was sexually harassed, verbally harassed, had my hours fucked with, had management and even the owners of the company who could give a fuck less about their employees, had to deal with my fellow coworkers AND managers being on k2 and other drugs, and the final fucking straw which was getting my tip money stolen from me OUT OF THE SAFE BY A MANAGER. i started working as a delivery driver. which was INCREDIBLY stress inducing at first bc i worked at the one right downtown. i had to deal with

i started working as a delivery driver. which was INCREDIBLY stress inducing at first bc i worked at the one right downtown. i had to deal with

traffic, pedestrians NOT LOOKING WHERE THE FUCK THEY WERE GOING DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA HOW MANY PPL I ALMOST KILLED CAUSE /THEY/ DID NOT LOOK, we have ‘parking police’ and i legit got about 15-20 tickets during my time there bc that asshole was out for blood and anytime he saw my car, even if i wasnt parked illegally (oh did i mention we had like 3 parking spots all on the street and all with a 2 hour limit (: ) or hadnt been parked in a spot for the full 2 hours. so there was that. 

see when i first started everything was fine. we had good employees who worked hard and did what they had to do. they were all stoners, but whatever i could care less about that. SO. our assistant manager, he was a mess. racist, homophobic, rude, loud. the worst. we would do dabs out in his car (yeah i know but i worked at a fucking jimmy johns) and he would just say the most questionable shit. i remember this one time he saw my phone background was a pic of me and my bf and was like ‘oh you like black guys? what’s your sex like? i bet it’s really good’ and im not gonna go into too much detail here, bc it upset me and its racist,  but he kept going and said some REALLY creepy shit i was like wtf and told him to never speak to me like that again or i would report him for sexual harassment (side note: one time he thought i did report him for sexual harassment and was like “who are you gonna buy weed from now?” LITERALLY ANYONE YOU PIECE OF SHIT.) he would always be like “DAMN THICK’ whenever i would bend over and do everything. I TOLD MY MANAGER AT THE TIME. she  didn’t do anything. AND the owners of the franchise definitely knew bc like...there’s cameras and they can hear everything we say? but no one did fucking anything. and i needed the money bad so i had to stay. of course i told him off constantly. he was white and always saying the n word. just a piece of fucking shit. 

i think the happiest day of my life was when he FINALLY got fired. my manager had to go to another city for a week and help out that jimmy johns bc i guess ALL the employees and managers did a walk out (yeah this happens at all the jimmy johns owned locally in my area i wish i was kidding) and left his inept ass in charge. it took him 5 mins to make sandwiches (FREAKY FAST hello????) he was just a poor manager. but THEN he started using k2 again. and he was a zombie. there was no point of him even being there bc like he would just go to the back of the store and just stand in front of the freezer door staring for like 10-15 mins at a time.i was a driver and didnt know how to make sandwiches yet and this bitch seriously was just standing there cracked out of his mind on k2 in FRONT of customers (and i will say our customers were SO nice at least) takking phone calls slurring his words. it was embarrassing. i rememeber i had 2 customers who had waited almost a HALF HOUR for ONE sandwich bc i was having a panic attack and losing my fucking mind trying to make their sandwiches while he was in his truck getting high and refusing to come in. one of the customers actually gave me a tip and told me i was doing great and the other one was like ‘im so sorry this is happening to you, that guy is  fucked up’. anyway, he passed out on k2 in his truck one night and got the cops called on him and got banned from the property :) i still saw him from time to time and he looked disgusting & miserable and it made me so happy. 

mostly we just had grown ass employees, fucking 30 year olds, just acting like children. always on drugs. i had one coworker pretend to slap my ass and i called him out and he was like ‘it’s a joke im not apologizing’. people would try to take deliveries from me. AND LET ME JUST SAY, not even to fucking brag even slighly but i was the best worker there my entire time there bc regardless of where im working i am giving my 100% every day and no one else there would. but ppl always tried to step over me and did not respect me. we had one coworker who had 3 felonies and one day like 4-5 cops came to our store to tell us to call the cops the next time he showed up for work (surprise surprise he fled bc they took an hour to get to the store despite the fact we were literally like not even 4 blocks from the police station) and he was always high on k2. forever late. day after day no call no show. he had his friend get hired on who would go down to subway and talk shit about subway in his uniform??? lmao and subway called us one day and was like ‘can yall not?’ he also threatened to burn down the store and then my manager (who was always on a power trip if we’re being honest) purposefully withheld his paycheck to fuck with him, because he was fucking with her, so we dealt with him WAY longer than we should have? 

then this one bitch that became manager, SOMEHOW, we were seriously always that desperate for staff and we hire anyone bc the managers are overworked af and just want to take the load off. anyway, SHE was always high on k2 as well. and she would always overshare rlly traumatic personal things from her life to me and all the customers and its like....girl we dont wanna hear that pls try and get some help. she was not currently being abused, i wanna specify. she was talking about things from her past. i sympathized with her but like im a victim of dv too lmao i dont wanna see your bruises without being asked first. and then i remember one day i left my money bag there (i kept my tips in it and had like $37 in there or something) and this bitch who was making MORE MONEY THAN ME seriously fucking went into the safe (we caught her on camera lmao) and stole that money out of my bag and left a few bills to make it seem less suspicious i guess??? lied about it to my face? then quit bc she ‘wasnt gonna sit there and be accused of something i didnt do’ like ok lmao

then to top it all off at one point my old manager just stopped giving a fuck and the store went to shit and we got complaint after complaint and she started being so rude to all of her staff, including myself (and we were like besties so i was devastated) and she cut my hours when she was submitting our work times for the checks because i would clock in early to help out....LIKE SHE ASKED? and it was just everything i said to her...her response was just the most rude and hateful voice and just....it was so rude. i cried every single day after work. she eventually got replaced and then quit 

but then this new manager, whom i loved, was very depressed and just had a lot wrong with him mentally but he was still very....drama starting and attention seeking. he would talk about suicide nonstop 24/7 and not to be callous but it just made me so uncomfortable and triggered me so much? they did overwork him and i will attest and agree to that and he had a lot on his shoulders but he couldve gone to mcdonalds literally any day and gotten a job with better hours, better pay, and better benefits. i kept telling him over and over to leave bc he had so much managerial experience he couldve been hired anywhere! all resteraunts down here are perpetually hiring, especially for managers! i would know bc i was looking for another job lmao. but he’d text me every night saying things like ‘well lets hope i drink myself to death’ ‘suicide is painless’ etc. and it was just......VERY uncomfortable for me, as someone who has attempted suicide and still struggles with ideation from time to time lmao it was just the most triggering environment ever 

like idk how i lasted that long but i worked my ass off, saved up my money, have a good paying job and im trying my best to forget this entire experience (honestly i did have some good times) but i really dont....think i can lmao 

ON A POSTIVE NOTE: we had some of the kindest and most caring customers ive ever had in my life. i was shocked. but the amount of times i had a shitty customer in my entire time there i can count on one hand lmao like....even when they were shitty they were like ‘im sorry i know yall work hard and everything’ like i miss my customers SO MUCH because we actually had relationships with them and shit and ugh god. if the customers were shitty tho i would never have kept this job lmfao 

i stayed at this job simply bc i made enough money for rent and my bills perfectly and it was one of the few jobs where i was paid an hourly wage + tips. and i wanted my next job to be a job in my field. that’s why i stuck around so long, it took some time to do that.

so yeah theres my mess i love anyone who read this and you can have my first born and be the beneficiary to my life insurance when i die

#tw: racism #tw: sexism #tw: suicide #tw: drugs #idk...what else to warn y'all about. just know this is a fucking #mess #i mean these arent horrific mentions of any of these things but i dont wanna trigger anyone unintentionally #better safe than sorry with tws