#and i kinda realized how much difference it can make

[kitskiis]

I think the saddest part about secret life Joel is just how futile all of his actions are in that season. On a surface level i mean stuff like all of his more careful gameplay being cancelled out by a singular failed tnt trap but on a deeper level i specifically mean how that character contrasts with last life Joel. Joel is undoubtedly at his lowest point in the life series in Last Life. He goes down to red in session 2 and spends the majority of the rest of the season alone (and when he does have allies it’s only bc of a shared bloodlust). The red bloodlust completely takes over and this festers for nearly *8 sessions*. Not only that but the one time he is given a chance to restart and go back to yellow his old alliance member goes to red, leaving him alone again, and he is made boogeyman the next session. This, overall, has lasting consequences (he actually wanted to be fairly friendly at the beginning of LL, a stark contrast to how bloodthirsty he was at the beginning of DL or Lim L), and gained him a reputation that has never fully gone away. This is especially bad bc most people agree that LL was the most violent season (despite the lower kill counts in comparison to LimL) and was generally the worst and most traumatizing experience in the games for most people involved. Compare this to secret life, which everyone agrees was definitely the happiest season for Joel (or at least the most normal. His life is a tragedy no matter the season.) he has allies that (for the most part rip mumbo) stick with him until the end, he is friendlier with a larger group of people, and when he initially has to deal with the loss of some of them he has people who can ground him (bc as much as I adore the bad boys, grian was not qualified to do that). He was so hopeful that season, and was generally in a much healthier place mentally. And yet, despite how much he seemed to have grown, those 2 seasons ended so similarly for him it was almost comical. Joel engaged in a fight at the end, watched his ally get killed by scott, and is then forced into a 2v1 against Scott and another player that results in Scott taking his final life and him finishing 5th overall. I was describing both of those seasons here. After everything he did to grow, after all the improvements he had made, everything ended *exactly the same*

Making this about the bad boys for a second (because I’m me) they kinda suffer similar fates. Grian learned in the most tragic way possible that his allies were doomed to fail as long as he was with them no matter what, that this was not something that he could control by simply avoiding killing them himself. Even when he actively tries to save them (“let Tim do it he needs the time” “Joel you can kill me!”) he’ll still lose them in the end. I think this realization is also what made him stop trying to fight it, which resulted in him killing or almost killing his allies from previous seasons immediately afterwards (stabbing scar in the back and that one scene where grian kinda ominously jumps with a sword like he was about to crit and kill bigb after finding out he had 50 seconds left on his timer). It’s sorta like a way of telling the universe “fine. You win”

Similarly Jimmy. Well. I don’t think I need to explain that one. Even when he was given hope that things could be different, that he could break the curse, he died only a few minutes later. I still hold on to the narrative that the watchers only allowed that to happen to give Jimmy false hope that things can be different only to rip the rug out from under him and drive home the point that he is in a losing battle because by the time of secret life Jimmy was one of the only few people who genuinely still believed he had a chance. Obviously this is not something that can fully be a reality until he goes out first next season so if he doesn’t that’s a little awkward but just work with me here

TLDR; here is reason number 672 on why I believe the bad boys are the most doomed motherfuckers on this server and their alliance is a modern tragedy

#no one will ever hate the bad boys more than the narrative #trafficblr #life series #smallishbeans #joel smallishbeans #grian #solidaritygaming #jimmy solidarity #the bad boys #secret life #limited life #last life #can you tell the brain rot has gotten really really bad

[modernsapphicism]

Pancakes for Dinner

inspired by the song of the same name by lizzie mcalpine. a fetchen story as told by karen's letter to gretchen.

warning: light angst, possibly unrequited love

Gretch,

Hey. I know I haven't been in contact for weeks since I came home in India, and I'm really sorry for that. I thought I needed some space after graduation to figure things out for myself for a while especially now that high school is really over.

It kinda sucks, doesn't it? I thought life would be all good after Spring Fling in junior year, but somehow everything became different. Some are good different, others are bad different. Mostly good, though. At least we all graduated, and thanks to everyone, I didn't have to fall back a year to catch up with my grades.

Gretchie, I'm in the airport right now, waiting for my flight back to the US.

Funny how I've been riding airplanes since I was small and it still makes me nervous. I mean, it shouldn't be logical for a machine that heavy to be able to fly, right? It has no feathers like a bird, and its wings doesn't even flap. It just doesn't make sense, Gretch.

I am coming home. I plan to, at least. And I will be there by your side the next thing you know.

But in the rare case that I don't make it home, I want you to know something.

The truth is, all these years being by your side has been the best years of my life.

Sure, there are ups and downs especially when Regina gets cranky and lashes out on us, or when school sucks so hard that it's stressing us out. It was always you who held my hands though it all and made things better.

I love the days when it would just be the two of us hanging out. When we go to the mall and shop for clothes, when we go salons and have our nails done, when we go to festivals and carnivals and try on all the rides that we can go to, and take photos for our scrapbook.

I especially love it even when we're chilling in your house when your parents aren't around, on the couch wearing our pajamas with popcorns and colas in the table in front of us, a cheesy movie playing in the TV. You would always snuggle next to me, hold my hand underneath the blanket, and lay your head on my shoulder. You would fall asleep on the middle of our third movie and I would always be too scared to move, not wanting to wake you up and ruin your peace so I just sit still until the credits roll.

Days when you would sleepover at mine and we would talk and talk about everything and anything until the sun rises. How we would sneak downstairs in the middle of the night and make the kitchen our own little bubble. You would always pretend that the spatulas were microphones and sing random tunes just to keep me company while I cook pancakes for dinner. I would always be in awe of your voice and how you carry yourself when you perform as if you were on a stage, spotlight set on you, and there were only the two of us in the whole world that existed in that very moment.

I know you still love her, Gretch. It shows in the way you look at her and the way you cling to her every word. It has been like that for years but you just don't realize it. You would always say that you were just doing everything because you're a great friend. It's not like that, though. It hasn't been since ninth grade.

I know I was too much of a coward to say something, even now, I'm still scared. I don't want to taint whatever we have right now and risk losing it all. I can't lose you, Gretchen.

I don't want to keep on pretending that seeing you pay attention to someone else doesn't hurt. I don't want to keep on telling you that I'm happy you're with someone else when I'm clearly not.

But you couldn't have known.

Gretch, I don't want to say something, not yet, but I hope by now you probably have an idea what I'm trying to tell you. I can't be too forward in case it all comes crashing down on me and I don't think I can handle this going south, at least not right now.

I'll see you when I see you, and hopefully I'll finally be brave by then.

Always yours,

Karen.

#karen shetty #gretchen wieners #fetchen #mean girls #mean girls 2024 #karen x gretchen #song fic #kinda #idk what to tag this i just whipped this out a couple of mins ago #dribble drabble #angst #light angst #?

[ashipiko]

DANCE WITH ME YOU LI-IA-IAR ♡

OVERBLOT ASHI??? ANYBODY??? the ANGST that this baby can store!!! SHEESH!!!!!!! <3 I only have one post dedicated to her and liar dance lyric analysis (the post is kinda outdated in gen) BUT…… I also have an overblot monologue as a treat 🫶 I wanted to better explain her angst and so!!! BABAM!!! enjoy

ASHI’S MONOLOGUE:

Sometimes I wonder why I ended up here.

A place named “Twisted Wonderland”, and at a school named “Night Raven College”.

At first, I figured that I was the odd one out— Y’know, the Ramshackle prefect and everything. The magicless girl at the magical all boys school? Nuts, ain’t it?

I’m known for a lot of things. Things that are different from the others. The fact that I stand out is part of the Ashi charm, something I’m known for.

But… Over time I found myself sorta feeling in place here.

Because as much as I try to believe it, I can’t safely say that I’m better than anyone else here.

I’m a fake. I make conversation and lots of friends, but for what? A backup in case something goes wrong? A sense of protection for my reputation? In what case are any of those friendships something I truly want? In what case are any of these strings just a tool instead of a thread made of my real feelings?

Behind this, I’m no different from any other student here. Even through my individuality, my cheerfulness, my endearing oddness… I’m still a horrible person. Using people to get what I want, toying with people and their feelings in order to gain power and gain a spot the top. All to become untouchable. It’s screwed. It’s not right.

My insides are ugly. The truth of me is something I want to keep tucked away deeply, because I don’t want people to see this part of me. A brash, annoying, selfish version of me, everything people hate to see. I don’t want this side of me to be seen because people will run away— people I don’t care much about, sures, but people I love, too. I don’t want to drive them away. So I keep quiet and give them a shallow show.

I give them a source of entertainment that’s controlled by the real me, every calculated movement translating into a marionette-like response. The only show I allow you to see is one that’s so carefully crafted by the chaotic clown backstage. The one that is shunned away from the light, the strings being the only hint of the puppet’s phony existence to the foolish audience.

But suddenly, I feel as if being here has started to let this side of me come crawling back into the spotlight.

It scares me.

It scares me to be vulnerable, let all of my faults lay out on the table like playing cards. To take the risk without the protection, to gamble everything I’ve built up away just like that. But you…

You.

You make me feel safe. You make me feel as if I don’t need to hide anything. I can give you the key to my heart and you would have no malicious intent. You wouldn’t cut out the parts people don’t like. You would enjoy the performance in full, every bit of it.

You make me believe that I’m nothing special, and yet something so valuable at the same time.

It’s silly. You’re silly. And yet that’s something that’s helped me.

It’s helped me realize that that truly is just how people are.

We aren’t villains. We aren’t antagonists. We aren’t monsters.

We are nothing but people, with faults and feelings that should be valued.

I am more than just a jester, a sake of entertainment.

I’m a person who is entirely worthy of love. All of me.

It reminds me that I must’ve came here for a reason.

Because this is where I belong.

#they drive me nuts. tbh #PLEASE LISTEN TO LIAR DANCE ITS SOOOOOOOOOO #!!! envy baby is also a big Ashi OB song #it’s so fun. she’s so fun #if you can’t tell her overblot works in like….. she IS the blot monster. or the (real) Ashi AKA the jester is #if she represents the true Ashi then the marionette Ashi represents what she pretends to be/puts out into the world #so even if you’re attacking the jestershi and the more antagonistic seeming of the two…… all you’re doing is feeding into the blot itself #as you’re doing what ashi’s afraid of— berating the real her #the solution is to kill the marionette!!! btw!!!!! and that’s what ace does #DW THEY ARE SO FINE AND OK. NO ISSUES HERE #ashace my beloved #ace trappola #ace trappola x oc #twst ace #twst yume #twst #twisted wonderland #twst oc #twst wonderland #disney twst #twst yuu #twst oc x canon #ashipiko draws ♪ #twstshi #I DONT THINK I REALLY POST ABOUT ASHACE LORE A LOT #APRY FROM LIKE? THE FIC ITS IUST SILLIES #so I hope you guys enjoy!!!!!!

[lotuslate]

a little comic about post canon wangxian and coming to terms with some things!

#wangxian #mdzs #mdzs fanart #wei wuxian #lan wangji #yiling laozu #hanguang jun #mo dao su zhi #grandmaster of demonic cultivation #jessbye #egg #yayyy its finally done :D #YALL i didnt realize drawing in black and white can be so hard!! >< #but anyway it was fun nonetheless #a scenario like this has been in my head for so long now #i did smth .. similar recently where i came to terms w smth and simply admitted it outloud #and i kinda realized how much difference it can make #anyway wangxian deserve to feel at peace and trusted and safe to finally talk abt their trauma #ON THEIR OWN TERMS!! with no outside interference!!

[non-plutonian-druid]

[ID: a pixel art gif of Five and Delores sitting on rotting lounge chairs by a pool in the apocalypse. Delores, made human by FIve's perspective, is swinging her legs, and Five is reading a book. There are four colors; yellow, hot pink, lime green, and blue. Music notes emerge from a radio. The sky is completely obscured by yellow, shifting clouds. End ID]

sometimes a guy has gotta have a vacation, even in the middle of the apocalypse.

#tua #the umbrella academy #gif #idk that just seems like an appropriate tag #five hargreeves #delores tua #apocalypse #pixel art #finally getting around to posting this and a little bit embarrassed about how long ive had all the pieces and just never put them together #i think i started this last summer. and also finished the gif last summer. #return of the 'gif with accompanying playlist because i dont want to download music' #this time i can actually make it a gif tho bc it isnt ONE MILLION YEARS LONG bc i didnt give it a 7x long scrolling background #this is kinda like. a drawing that ive already posted from a different perspective #except made pixelly and a gif #much effort was put into the making of this playlist. this is the 'songs five likes' playlist but shortened to five songs #as usual with pixel apocalypse art i have hidden some dead bodies for you all to find like a fun scavenger hunt #my art #tumblr i didnt give my playlist a little cover image for you to NOT show it. why. #genuinely remade this post three times trying to get it to realize i changed the album art. whatever i give up

[tj-crochets]

so in the past I have made themed gifts for people who have helped me* and it's been a little weird but like. Understandable to the person I am gifting the thing to weird? My current problem is that I want to make something for my endocrinologist because he has improved my quality of life hugely** but endocrinology doesn't have an easily themed gift and my endocrinologist reminds me very very strongly of like a sad greyhound or a whippet but I cannot explain to this very nice, very normal man that "hey I made you a plushie of a dog because I wanted to thank you for the steroids and you remind me of a dog. In a good way!" *like teeth plushies for the dentist who helped me figure out I have to have dental anesthetic without epinephrine in it, or a chicken plushie for the people at the chicken restaurant that went the extra mile to get their ingredients list that were the reason I figured out I'm allergic to coconut **I had what would have been a severe allergic reaction and it wasn't pleasant but I didn't end up in the hospital and I didn't take like a week minimum to recover and

#the person behind the yarn #I realize this is a problem of my own making #and that I very much do not need to make my endocrinologist anything #but it's such a HUGE difference in my life #he really does have like sad dog energy idk how to describe it #he wears very nice flannel shirts that I am slightly envious of because I'd never seen a blue and orange flannel before #and is like somehow even more obviously unthreatening than I am #like. I have PTSD. Had PTSD? Have? Not sure how to word that #I have worked through most of my major PTSD triggers but one thing that still gets me is people touching my neck #to the point where I have like flinched off the medical bed darted across the room kinda avoidance in previous medical appointments #I can mostly manage to sit still and let doctors touch my neck if I see it coming but I always flinch and I always hate it #and this guy is so incredibly unthreatening I didn't flinch at all and didn't even notice it was weird I didn't react negatively #until after I'd left his office #I am also (usually) seen as very unthreatening but mine is something I worked on deliberately for a while #(when I was working with toddlers) and also is made easier by the fact that I am very short and look younger than I am #idk how to describe how much this dude reminds me of a greyhound. WAIT NO he reminds me of a borzoi! #the wizard version of a greyhound

[yayforocs]

👉👈 so @silverskye13 i saw this and..............

had to make an aron helsmet!!!!!! this was really hecking fun to think about actually like what she'd be like n design (which. is a poke at the rp server she was from actually) and also made me sit down and think more on my other minecraft ocs i have sittin around and why they ended up getting redesigns lkdsfh BUT YEAH i!!!!!!!! aron!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

#what do i. tag this as. sdklfjslk #i mean ig since it's like??? she's a concept from it i should??? #redstone and skulk #aron #a lotta the stuff aron goes through in her character arc in the rps has to do with like. she has her stuff that she's comfortable doing #and stuff that she's not #and after trying and trying and trying to go outside her comfort zone and help ppl around her in a Better Way #feels like she's just not good at it and should give up and go back to what she was doing before #-only to find out through A Lot Of Events that no she actually was learning even tho she didn't realize it and she was getting better #and she was actually helping #and also. it was. kind of impossible for her to go back anyway. jlsdf. #sO i thought her helsmet would be more of the 'stick with what i know and don't leave that' kinda thing!!! #leaning into her minecraft roots; she was originally a redstoner/demolitionist (i mean she's still a demo but) #so her helsmet would- if following that idea- be Really Hecking Good at redstone #but only stick to redstone bc No I'm Not Trying Anything Else #also aron had a lot of problems trusting people she shouldn't and it really bit her back so there's that aspect too!!! #...also is it just me or does this pic feel very Camish like i don't know what it is about the style bc i tried smth different #and when i finished i looked at it and went 'huh. this looks like camish drew it.' #I WILL ALSO!! make more!! of my other minecrafters!!! i just underestimated how much thought i would be putting into making helsmets sdlkfj #but they are bouncing around in my brain!!! and i will draw them once i can get them to stay still long enough to realize what they are!!!

[skitskatdacat63]

It you liked my Napoleonic au, here is some Fernando from it :)

Under the cut: process

him face:

(I absolutely had to draw his Theee Musketeers look, that's honestly why I did a Ferrari alt)

I mentioned earlier how every time I opened the drawing, I'd just completely change it. Here's what I meant:

The Renault suit really lends itself to the Hussar uniform! Also the Ferrari one is kinda stunted a bit comparatively bcs I accidently drew over the Renault one so I had to recover the backlog and was afraid to touch it any further LOL

#do you ever think about how Fernando's F1 career has lasted longer than the entirety of the Napoleonic era? #because now I do. #I was thinking about how team changes would work/fit in and then realized Nando's career is longer than that whole era 💀 #ah unfortunately no history ramble this time(the hussar stuff was my thesis LMAO) #but yeah i have been thinking about how his career would align with the different kingdoms #ex. 2007 mclaren would just be him being a double agent since the uk and france are enemies atp #every time i draw Napoleonic stuff i always listen to: 1812 Overture and Viva La Vida. every time. without fail. #lmao on the third/final revision you can see how much taking a ref pic of myself for the pose helped me #its generally very difficult for me to use random pics as reference #ig irs bcs its not *exactly* what i want so i prefer to make my own :) #this is kinda based off how i kept randomly standing bcs my back hurt but instead here it is slay #im especially glad tho that i went back to redo his face/hair bcs the earlier draft isnt even really in my art style so #f1 #formula 1 #formula one #fernando alonso #fa14 #catie.art. #f1 fanart #formula 1 fanart #f1 art #formula 1 art #i accidentally posted this even tho i meant to queue it so i had to redo all of this UGH #hussar au

[goodobservationshirley]

And what is a body, a life, anyway? I’ve just been reincarnated seven times, so who knows? Maybe we’re just stardust, after all.

#the 7 lives of lea #spoilers ahead so if you want to watch the show stop reading now #turns out I have more feelings about it #i make fun of lea a lot for how dumb (affectionate) she can be #but now that the show is over i see how essential that personality trait is #because had lea understood immediately what we (and later romane) realize very quickly #that saving Ismael can only come at the expanse of her own life #then the story would have taken a different turn #in the sense that the lea of the beginning probably would have been perfectly willing to sacrifice herself for ismael #and then much of the story would have been about walking her away from that willingness #i know what you’re thinking: it’s kinda what happens in the show #yes and no #the ways in which the actual story is different from this are very important #lea does learn to appreciate life again throughout her journey #but at no point does she consider sacrificing herself for him #by the time romane opens lea’s eyes to the reality of this situation she already values her life highly #and the only conclusion is that if it’s him or her then she will not save him #even after learning everything she did even after developing feelings for him she rates her own life higher #this is very important. the fact that she never goes there is very important #because then her sacrifice can truly be about righting a wrong that will ruin so many lives #that she can’t in good conscience let it happen #and she does so not because she doesn’t value her own life enough #but because this wrong is bigger than her and she’s lived a day in the life of each of these people and she can spare them the pain #she sacrifices herself with the full knowledge and understanding of the weight of that sacrifice #and that’s why her being so dumb about it at the beginning is crucial to the story being what it is

[hecksupremechips]

Girl like. The reason he said "this is how it should be" and faced death with a smile....is cuz he wanted to die. For 2 years he sat there thinking he was worthless and deserved to die. If he hadn’t be shot, his death would’ve been suicide, he was fully planning to die in a gutter somewhere undetected. When saying "this is how it should be" hes literally saying "don’t cry because I’m dying, my death is a good thing actually because I fucking suck and you are better off without me". I don’t think that’s badass even slightly, it’s actually really sad and really shitty. Shinjiro is so convinced that he deserves to die and hates the idea of anyone giving a shit about him because he literally can’t wrap his mind around the idea that he will be missed when he’s gone, that his death is a bad thing actually. And his last words were meant to be comforting because he fully did not intend for anyone to be there when he died, he intended to die alone, so he says them as a reminder that he’s not worth crying over

Personally, if it were me, if I was holding my dying best friend in my arms who was deeply depressed and suicidal and he said "this is how it should be" uh. I wouldn’t admire him for it??? Like am I losing my mind when I say the way this game handles Shinji is bad or is anyone else seeing this too 😰

#its like okay listen i understand the basic math of any persona game they say things and everything they say is actually #very bad when you think about it for more than 3 seconds #like what theyre intending to do with the death of this character is be like oh no your sad friend dies tragically thats so saddddd #but that doesnt mean you cant live a wonderful life full of meaning you cant let grief consume you life is beautiful awagga #and i guess shinji is a specific character whos used cuz i guess its more tragic that he never realized he was worthy of life and shit #and i guess its also like ‘dont be like this guy who let grief consume him and then died you gotta Be Different’ #which i dont. love. that last part cuz if you think about shinji and what led him down this road #its like. of course hes depressed! he accidentally killed a woman with a child when he was 16! #he himself is an orphan and he just made some other kid an orphan as well and it happened cuz his persona went out of control #which very much can translate to ‘this must mean im dangerous and can hurt everyone if im not kept under control’ #so of course he isolated himself and believed he was evil and became suicidal like who wouldnt feel that way #like am i supposed to be mad he left sees and took drugs cuz uh while i dont think isolation or Evil Drug is good for his mental health #i dont think him continuing to fight in sees is something he can just easily do again given how he killed someone like he shouldnt have to #be a part of this thing anymore like how would he even safely get castor to not do that??? he cant kill more people on accident! #so yeah like using shinji as an example of bad coping mechanisms is already just. a big fucking oof to me like it just feels like the game #is saying he shouldve gotten over it and simply not be suicidal and stayed on the team. idk if thats the intent but uh it wouldnt faze me #cuz persona games are notoriously awful at writing characters who are traumatized and abused #but what makes everything even worse is how the game kinda like. acts like shinjis death is a stepping stone #like we’re supposed to use it as a wake up call and understand the stakes but keep going on anyways #and akihiko and Ken get. ‘great character development’ according to the game telling you they have now developed #but damn all akihiko is is just repressed he cries for 3 seconds and then is like I SHOULD MAN UP and then neglects a depressed child #shinjis dying words are words to live by now even though they piss me the fuck off like girl am i crazy HES FUCKING #HES TELLING ME NOT TO CRY OVER HIM BECAUSE HE SHOULD BE DEAD ACTUALLY AND THIS IS A GOOD THING ACTUALLY #like if the game wants us to still find meaning in life despite losing someone it just really hurts that shinji has to die for that to work #apparently. cuz the character i see myself in is shinji. not some perfect prettyboy who does everything perfectly and has 4 gfs #his death seems like a punishment for bad behavior. the bad behavior being of course depression and drug use. and im simply supposed to be #better than that if i want to live. and we dont get to form a connection with him cuz thats gayyyyy #and his death is like a NOBLE HEROIC SACRIFICE idk its just such bullshit to me i hate it so bad #how is killing a suicidal guy and then treating it as admirable that he said ‘this is how it should be’ supposed to make me feel #makes me feel sick personally and it ruins the entire game’s theme to me because its fucking shallow and the story is bad and im tired

[opens-up-4-nobody]

...

#ay ay ay. now that the soul crushing project is done ive elected to spend the week managing data #which is decidedly more chill than what ive been doing for the last month but also isnt not doing anything and it isnt getting stuff done #for when i have to move. so thats annoying. and ive been drawing again at least but i can feel the escalation in my controlling behavior #so its now very frustrating trying to draw anything. coloring is gonna take a million years rip. #also suddenly everyone wants to b social rn? like tomorrow my boss is organizing a thing with an old lab mate and this weekend a #collaborator is having a retirement party. and next week my lab mates wanna do a trivia night. and i kno that i should go to these things. #and i will try but i really dont want to go to any of it. mostly for driving reasons but also im a husk of a person rn. but the more #devastating thing is that uh next week one of the kids i grew up with is getting married to a rich girl lol. and like we werent that close #bc i was and am such an asocial freak but after the wedding my parents r picking up their new camper and camping their way across the #country with my sisters. and im sure someone probably told me the dates of these things at some point but if u tell me dates i will #instantly forget them. so thats. ya kno. happening over basically the next 2 weeks while i have to kill myself over measurements for a #different study i dont care abt. and like. its fine. ill see them mid may for a different planned trip. it just makes me kinda sad #a product of living halfway across the country i guess. im just inherently more disconnected to everyone. i would suspect thsts semi #intentional subconsciously. u cant b upset abt not being able to connect with ppl if you create enough physical distance that u never see #them in the 1st place. u cant misunderstand me if i make myself absent and unknowable. idk. i was explaining to my mum that i didnt realize #the timeline and she was like. understandable whatever u wanna do! and idk y that upsets me so much. i guess its just that i dont want to b #doing this. its causing me pain but dont kno how to articulate it in a way that makes sense. whatever. my mouth hurts. my lips r so chapped #that the irritation is spread past my lip line. probably doesnt help thst i keep rubbing at it lol. anyway things r still annoying #less soul crushing thsn last week but still frustrating #unrelated

[britneyshakespeare]

it is weird being an aromantic asexual who is incidentally attractive. like. i just came back from a concert with my friends who have known me for years and know that about me. some of the very few real-life friends who know that about me actually and i only told them relatively recently. regardless. the only reason i had bothered to bring it up w them is that they had seen me in SO many situations that telling them “i’m asexual” was if anything just clarification. just confirmation, like, don’t worry. it’s not an inability to attach to others or whatever. if you can’t tell. like they’d seen me be pursued by quite a few people in our time as friends and at some point it seems like a curious thing if i only ever seem to feel negatively about anyone who’s attracted to me, ever, no matter who it is. and they were understanding and i knew they’d be. yeah.

we were talking on the way back about bucket list concerts we’d still like to see. we saw stromae which was a really big one of mine (my fucking boy btw, i had an amazing time). i mentioned that i don’t have very many, as i’m rarely the person to be like “yeah, let’s go to a concert” unless i have people i know i wanna go with. like i’ve been meaning to see the jonas brothers w my sister and sisters-in-law ever since they came back because it’d be a fun thing for us since we always listen to them together. 

but i would genuinely love to see super junior someday, like just for myself, wherever whenever if i was just able to get transportation (i don’t drive). i’ve loved suju for years but i got really back into them in 2020 in the pandemic as a sort of nostalgia comfort thing (but also the music they’ve put out in recent years is like, literally the best in their discography, they just keep getting better w age). and i had to go on this tangent to explain it, right?

in the first months of the pandemic, there was something weird happening to people psychologically. some kind of end-of-the-world loneliness. i mentioned that i had like 5 or 6 different people in my DMs at the time interested in me. not all of them men. and the friend who was driving said “you know, diana, if this were literally anyone else talking, i would think that this is some enormous humblebrag—”

and i like. didn’t even think about it that way. i was just trying to make my point that i had a serious thought in 2020 of like, when the world opened back up, just doing one (1) seriously manipulative thing in my life and convince one of those men who was thirsting for me to buy me tickets to super junior and go with me. it was hypothetical. this hasn’t happened and all but certainly will not. i would not feel good taking advantage of someone’s feelings like that. 

but i had to go on a tangent even before that because i was like. oh my goodness. i didn���t even realize that was a humblebrag. i’m sorry. i’m just telling a story.

#the politics of being a pretty young woman #tales from diana #i also wouldn't have felt comfortable telling anyone that anecdote about myself if they had known less about me than my friends i was with #so i guess i wouldn't be in danger of humblebragging. but sometimes i think i do? by mistake. #like when i talk about my social life in the past i always mention no one openly liked me in high school. not one person. #it very much affected how i saw myself. bc bullshit. young girls. male approval. y'know. #but in retrospect now i'm better able to tell when a boy had some kind of crush on me so i might mention it like 'he thought i was cute' #and one time a different friend i had. but one who i have also told im asexual (im trying to do that more) said to me #'you know for how unpopular you say you were in high school it seemed like a lot of ppl liked you' #i mean. yes? it's complicated. i was most certainly not popular i can tell you that. #i was more of a 'hey goob nice binder' 'hey goob wanna hang out at my house after school?' [narration: they all hated me...] kinda kid. #i probably kept myself from making friends wo realizing it but also lots of cliques i would've liked to be part of very much ignored me. #i was hot on the margins. a truly underrepresented social archetype... except that's literally every teen movie so maybe not. #i didn't have a big win in the final act that's the difference. #also before the concert we were talking about one of our other friends who is just. so fuckin funny. #like we were all talking about how much we love him. and they said they had been talking about who in the group chat we're in #has the most 'pull' and im like. pull? #like who could pick up the most ppl successfully. hypothetically. #both of them ranked me high :^) i was like. thank you. #they asked me to ponder on the topic myself and try to come back to it but i think im just confused by the concept of 'pull' itself #stromae has pull. that is all.

[dadbots]

cold as shit & freezing my ass off in this winter (But at least we made it to December.)

#dadbots.txt #starting the new month off with a sore throat & body aches due to household cold-like symptoms. Thanks. Even when I was trying 2 avoid it #and with how cold it is — permanently staying In bed forever. Like it’s physically making me curl into a crab rn oh my god it’s so cold #Which is both hell and good in both ways. Bad since I stay in bed too much anyway. Almost everyday. #Especially with chronic low energy and 24/7 fatigued. Mentally and physically. And i really gotta do better - #- and reduce that since that adds up alongside other unhealthy habits. And I can literally feel it taking a toll on me unfortunately. #But also good since I’ll be resting more often than not. It’s not something i do and so having the opportunity to rest is kinda nice? #Still. Two sides of a coin right now. And this cold is definitely not helping me or the fact it’s easier to get sick 10x more. #Back to pain relievers and heat ig. #Although with this just. Might be a cold but also not? Thing? Since not all of my sore throats are colds but overproduced mucus. Gross. #But been drinking tea like habitually to knock this out and warm blankets and stuff. Feeling better as of typing this. So thank god it’s wo #This month been… interesting to say the least. A lot of personal talk and changes that should’ve happened years ago. #But hey. You live and learn. #And I’m not mad at it. I’m making progress when I would’ve shrugged and say it’d never happen. Now it’s happening and even I’m surprised #Doesn’t mean it’ll completely override everything in my life or push stuff to the side. Though it’s better than nothing so I’ll take it. #Winter is always hard for a lot of people and I’ve been hit with it as well. Even near the holidays and all. #Been rough. And the constant realization that each month I don’t remember…. Anything. That has happened. #But also that I did a little more than previously and slowly pushing it each month. Little by little. #There’s been a drastic change from last year to now. Went through new lifestyles and experiences. Exploring different fields. Etc #So it’s been one hell of a ride anyway. And that I can sit back and be content with. Even if nothing else is currently going on yknow #December probably gonna be slow. But we’ll see. Hope to bring new opportunities fortune and possibilities along the way. Take care y’all

[perenlop]

now that im on best wishes season 2 (in the sub, dub wise its been “rival destinies” for a while. hm.) im kinda curious to see how i process these episodes in the present. i havent seen most of them since they aired when i was a kid and i remember it being a mixed bag? in that there was a lot of stuff i remember not liking, like iris’s dragonite and ash’s charizard coming back for no reason (actually most of the nostalgia baiting was stuff i didnt care for back then? bc id get like frustrated that besides charizard they didnt commit, like the caterpie episode), and decolore was def a hit or miss in its structure

but also, this season had the N and team plasma arc and literally solidified concordia and anthea as some of my favorite human characters, i do remember liking dawn and some of the world cup stuff (tho i dont remember a ton of it, i think i actually missed a few episodes bc i cant even recall if all the rivals show up for the world cup besides trip), and besides some forgettable episodes, i remember really enjoying the decolore islands stuff. considering its basically just them trying to capture the orange island arc vibes from OS and that i liked orange islands, i do have high hopes for it this time around. i’m excited to see how much my opinions will change and if ill like stuff like dragonite better this time.

like i remember not liking “all for the love of meloetta” or really that much of the meloetta arc for some reason... i actually cant tell you why i didnt like it, i think i  was just bitter that i couldnt get meloetta in the game. but this time i thought the episode was really sweet and i appreciated it a lot more considering how JN would later build on what the iris vs cynthia battle set up. i think this season has some more to offer and im optimistic

#side note as much as ive been shitting on the dub acting for how stilted it all is... i may actually try to stick with it more #bc i think thats one reason why dp was so hard on me. i had to look at the screen all the time for subtiles #subtitles* #and it was sorta draining #but now i can like use the eps as background noise so yknow what i may give it moreof a chance #watching pmmm dubbed just made me realize that i dont think i process subs as well? #like for mp100 i think i have to rewatch it bc i cant remember that much of it #bc i feel like even tho the sub was fantastic (and better than the dub from what ppl have said) idk i struggled #but with pmmm dubbed it was a lot easier so yeah i think ill rewatch mp100 dubbed to give it another shot and process it #(ftr i do wanna watch pmmm subbed just to see the acting but just by watching a fewvids on youtube i felt a difference #in how my brain processed it) #idk what it is. its weird bc ive always had an easier time processing reading than processing sound #which is why i always need closed captions when i watch shows in english anyways #maybe its just all the music and other visuals and voice acting i can't understand kinda make it all clutter? idk #echoed voice

[chaotic-aro-incarnate]

Me: okay that short little vegaspete oneshot I wrote on a whim got a lot of positive feedback and is one of my highest performing fics. Time to go back to my other wips. Maybe I'll finish up that angsty KimChay fic, or the Royal AU, or the kp x aftg crossover, or finally write some Arm/Tankhun, or maybe-

My brain: write more vegaspete

Me: but I just did? And I've been wanting to write these others for-

My brain: this time make it about that Oscar Wilde quote "love is a sacrament meant to be taken kneeling" except use the original intended meaning about an act love is being given a small act of compassion when you're in a vulnerable state AND make it about the common modern misinterpretation that the quote is talking about blowjobs.

Me: ......... fuck okay *opens new doc*

#the chokehold vegas and pete have me in is unreal #I went from uhhh no thanks to ok i can kinda see it to oh? to vegas pete and the hedgehog are the only characters in the show so fast #the irony of writing this about the wilde quote is that i already wrote a fic about that quote except for the rqg fandom #and its all soft vaguely romantic but could be platonic zolfwilde about zolf taking care of wilde and finding hope in each other #meanwhile the vp oneshot has already featured vegas brutally killin dudes pete being turned on by that some mild bloodplay and knifeplay #and more fucked up things to come <3 #the rqg fic was about hope and comfort #the vp fic is about obsession and undying devotion to the point of total destruction #truly shows how you can take one thing (like the wilde quote) and create vastly different things despite having the same inspo #i WILL get to those wips i promise especially the aftg one that's been so fun to write #writing it has made me realize how insane neil andrew jean and kevin are compared to the kp characters #like im not even writing them in a dark au where they got more involved with the mafia they're all still dumbass exy players #but the aftg guys have the most fucked moral compasses and are completely desensitized to atrocities. #like what could kinn do to actually intimidate them? kinn cares too much about wanting to be good #even vegas would have no effect on them. they'd just be like 'oh great another riko good thing we know how to handle those' #he'd threaten to torture neil and neil would just stare at him like: literally almlst my entire body is covered in scars from torture #what can you possibly do to me that was done to me in like the first 20 years of my life? this is why you're a pathetic little bitch and no #one in your family will ever love or respect you. #i kinda wanna make a post of just vegas and all the times neil verbally came for rikos neck cause they fit too good

[deans-asscot]

I really like how this turned out~

Just dissapointed that the lady didn't let me show them/explain to them myself what I wanted so I was so distracted talking to her that I didn't even get to directly interact with them. Like legit didn't even get to say hi to them, wtf. I blame myself for being so nervous, like I knew it would be fast but damn... I don't even think I got the chance to look at Misha 😭

Anyway, Jensen nailed it as always. I also have a cool/smug look, I was afraid I would smile durpy but I pulled through 🤧

#mine #photo #spn con #SPNChi #jensen #misha #jenmish #i understand they have a lot to get through but it still feels kinda messed up considering how freaking expensive it costs #like some ppl get rushed and others dont theres definitely some favoritism and i imagine experience #it was my first con and I hope its not my last but i was a wee bit disappointed with some things #and its so expensive idk if I can convince myself to go again #thank god my cousin came with me otherwise i dont think it would have enjoyed it as much #lowkey one of the best parts was taking pics in the impala cuz they were so nice and patient about it #idk I have a lot to reflect on im sure part of the dissapointment I feel comes from me imagining things differently #and just the realization and how much of a cash grab it is just makes me sad... lowkey feel exploited #and yeah I bought the cheapest ticket and they make sure you know it #i hope it doesnt sound like I'm complaining its just idk a different world to me and im lowkey still in shock #i did really enjoy the panels tho #wish I coulda seen a misha panel but j2 ruth alex and sebastian were all great #love how they interact with the audience