#and i had a pretty decent day emotionally then it went to shit real quick

[dadzawa-adopt-dabi]

Soulmate gift

“C’mon pretty, birdie, just a small touch to see if you're worth any effort.” Dabi gives Hawks a sharp grin as he slowly removes the gloves the Hero has on. He won’t actually do it. Would never touch him and wait for that zig everyone speaks about.

He’s teasing the bird, blue eyes lit up with mirth. Just a bit of amusement colors Dabi’s voice as he teases Hawks. The idea really is laughable. Personally, he finds the idea of having a Soulmate hilarious. He doesn't have a soulmate or have time to waste finding one if he wants to achieve his own goals. The black haired Villain merely enjoys teasing the Hero like any other young adult their age would. Hawks flirts right back with Dabi which, once he got the idea that Hawks was about as serious as he was about it, was fine. The suggestions Hawks has, make a tumble in the sheets with him sound almost worth it. Keigo’s breath hitches and Dabi smirks up at him, glove about halfway off.

It’s mostly just fun to fuck with Hawks’ head and tease his exposed wrist while he makes up what they would do if they were. He won’t actually touch the Celebrity Hero. The possibility of them actually being soulmates, however slim, is not a chance Dabi is actually willing to take. Not with Hawks, not with anyone, ever. Having someone in his head, knowing what he’s feeling sounds like a nightmare to him. Most romantics don’t think about how easy it is to manipulate someone. When you know what causes someone to be scared or fearful, then what will make them forgive you. Again and again. Dabi’s seen enough soulmate stories to last his entire lifetime and from the way Hawks talks about his parents, he’s not the only one. He’s jolted back to the present when Hawks calls his bluff.

Hawks smirk has Dabi’s teasing expression falling, his half lidded eyes widening as Hawks firmly grasps his wrist. Right on the scar line pulling his glove the rest of the way off with his teeth. Golden eyes narrowed, burning bright with challenge as Dabi started to pull at Keigo’s grip. He was just teasing. There’s no need for this, it was a joke, he doesn't want to actually test it! Hawks was like him, never in a relationship and avoided touching coworkers. The Hero’s hand fluttered next to his before slotting their hands together. Dabi’s heart stops as he glances between their hands and Hawks face with panic. The grip was too firm to escape as his chest refused to expand again.

Hawks' brain flooded with Dabi’s overwhelming emotions. Pure fear, crashing through the bond to him. Strong and overwhelming as it barrels into him. Keigo is lost an overwhelming grip of panic and horror. Dabi yanked his hand back harshly, the determination to be free of Hawks hitting him like a sledgehammer to his heart as Dabi’s staples nearly pulled free from his skin.

Dabi tried to force his still chest to move, to breathe with his hand cradled close to his chest. Frozen and watching Hawks. Hawks is still in shock when he gathers himself enough to dive for the fire escape off their fucking roof. He doesn't give himself time to brace himself mentally as he throws himself into action, coat swirling and flapping behind him. He hears Hawks yell for him to wait over the rushing in his ears, or maybe it's felt instead through their new bond. The strong pull and glimmers of other emotions as he struggles to figure out how to slam the bond shut. Surprise loud and clear, the bond saturated in happiness and affection. Amusement and enough determination to make Dabi’s blood run cold. “You don’t understand Touya, I can’t leave him. You can’t feel how determined he is like I can. How much he wants to make this work and how much he wants to do better.” His mother tells him softly with a bruised face and arms.

The thought of what Hawks might glean from Dabi’s emotions pushes him to throw himself down the rickety stairs. Hitting pavement and pushing his fragile body faster. He finally manages to close the bond, feeling Hawks on the other end. It feels like the Hero knocking on a door Dabi forced closed. He presses himself against a wall as he sees the shadow of Hawks flying above, looking for him. Texting Kurogiri his coordinates as his chest heaves and he coughs with the painful rush of breathing fresh air too fast. He regrets wanting to tell that joke, he shouldn’t have been flirting with Hawks at all. He can’t even enjoy a decent fuck with a hot spy of Hero. Closing the bond won’t work forever, it’s going to snap open at some point when he’s too weak to fight the side effects.

His spiraling thoughts are broken by Kuroguri opening a portal directly next to him. He hastily steps through, the sound of Hawks calling for him following Dabi. Every nickname he had ever called Dabi graced the air as he disappeared. Kuroguri looked as he came in. Setting the glass down quickly when he saw Dabi’s shaking form stumble in with his hand cradled to his chest. “Dabi, are you hurt?” Sako stood up as Shigaraki paused his game.

“It’s just a scratch. He gave it to me by accident.” He shook his head. He couldn’t endanger them, he wouldn't. There isn't much he needs to pack. Everything fits in his pockets or is left behind. Later he heads outside ‘for a smoke’. He doesn't come back. Disappearing into the maze of alleyways like only he knows how to do, even a lifetime later. Even when he’s no longer the son of a famous Hero dying his hair in gas station bathrooms anymore. Some things don’t change. Like soulmates scaring the shit out of him and running away.

Dabi flinched at his phone ringing, the shrill sound setting off more waves of pain. It had been several days since the incident Hawks had thrown them into. Last he had been able to stand looking at his phone for news the pigeon had been unaffected. While Hawks was able to be a Hero unaffected Dabi was holed up in an abandoned apartment. A single studio room apartment. Easier for him to drag the ratty mattress into a corner of the room, where he can see all exits. Dabi knows he’s been forcing the soulbond closed for over a week at this point. Everything hurts and he can feel his heartbeat pulsing with the pain, stemming from his head and traveling down his spine through his limbs. He won’t be able to keep it closed forever. The strain is already too much. Eventually the bond will snap open. Hawks will find him, following their soulbond straight to him. “If I ever found my soulmate I’d never let them go. Whatever it took to keep them.” Hawks' smile is soft but Dabi’s skin crawls. Memories of sirens and screaming not to be taken from her soulmate hit him as he bears his teeth. “Awfully dark thought for a Hero birdy.” he comments as he blows a ring of cigarette smoke out into the cold night air. Beside him Hawks shivers. He doesn't tease the offer of a warmer body tonight. A stupid fucking Hero, he’d never have a moment of happiness again .

Like thinking about it caused it to happen, the bond slams open. One moment it was firmly shut. gentle knocks from the other side for a few days but Dabi kept it shut, the next moment he felt it slack. Then the bond snapping open letting him feel concern, pain and anger through the other end. Colored dots reminiscent of when he was younger and trying to stay up later to train drift in front of his eyes. The emotions grow stronger as Hawks starts following the bond to him. A direct string to Dabi that both of them could feel and understand.

There’s a new feeling of shame and anger through the bond, much stronger as Hawks arrives at the decrepit apartment building. Dabi shuffles and slams for the bond as his eyesight blinks in and out. He’s been through pain, half of his body is scars, he can force this away. He’s been through hell and back mentally, emotionally ,and physically enough times that pushes through this new pain to shut the bond. The bond remains closed again for exactly one more minute. Letting Dabi collapse back in his bed and tremble, exhausted as it springs back open. His phone rings with Hawks number again as he curls into himself. There’s nothing he can do now. He can only wait for Hawks to find him. It was worth the attempt to hide himself. He tried at least and he was able to lead Hawks away from the League.

The door to his room slams open with a growl of his name leaving Hawks voice. Dabi feels his stomach lurch at the sound. He’s supposed to be free of this. Not react to anger with becoming violently ill anymore, but he’s always had a weak stomach hasn’t he? He’s back where he started all over again. He presses a hand tightly over his mouth as he shakes. waiting for the pain to die down and his vision to return to normal. Hawks stalls in the doorway, backlit and shadowed he looks angier than Dabi has ever seen him. Once he sees Dabi, shaking and curled in the corner with open unseeing eyes, he firmly shuts the door. He wasn’t the one in pain, he wasn’t the one who had been holding the door closed for over a week. The Hero Commision had even prescribed medication designed for rejected soulmate bonds to him. “Just in case he changed his mind” and decided to continue his spy mission.

“So were you always just going to leave me there? Or is being attached to a Hero too much for you?” Hawks sneered down at him. “Real adult of you, running away from a challenge that you issued. Then hiding like some sort of child instead of just telling me all you had wanted was a quick fuck.”

He dropped the rest of the bags. Anger rolling in his stomach as he stares down at Dabi’s form. The place was disgusting and he was frustrated that his soulmate had been staying here. He could have been staying with the league if he wasn’t so determined to run away. Dabi had even been the one to start this, long looks and teasing touches as he left Hawks with blue balls after almost every meeting. Part of Hawks was sick of being good enough for a fantasy fuck or a one night stand. Dabi hadn’t even given him the chance to prove he could be whatever Dabi needed.

“We went from let’s fuck after weeks of you saying you wanted me, to you vanishing the second we had something solid!” he snaps at Dabi, sitting down on the edge of the mattress. His soulmate was someone who hated him and wouldn’t even give him the smallest chance to prove himself. He had the right to be a little bitter, considering he had spoken with Dabi about soulmates before. He’d made it clear he would bend over backwards for one, while Dabi had said they would have to be special.

“What do you - fuck you! you couldn’t even be nice for a day? Straight to it?” Dabi hissed as his vision cleared slowly. Squaring his shoulders against the ache covering his full body. It was just going to get worse, might as well jump with Hawks right into it. The dance of will they won’t they and no strings attached was over. The mischievous teasing that Dabi would never waste on a soulmate was over. Now he was trapped with a Hero who wanted sex right off the bat.

He didn’t react to the magnetic pull he could feel from Keigo. Cover him in his touch and hold him. Like Dabi had ever been thought of as worth anything by anyone.

“The fuck is wrong with you? You’re the one that decided it would be a oh-so-funny idea to fuck around Dabi and test it. The idea of fucking a top 10 Hero was okay but only if you got something out of it? Just a thrill for you?” Keigo growled at him, frustrated. Dabi flinched and let himself lay back down. Staring at the ceiling as his head pounded and Hawks got up, stomping around. his black heavy boots stopped on the edge of the bed.

Dabi looks blankly over at him. Seeing his face clearly for the first time since he walked in. The Hero looks angry, he feels angry. He wants to get it over with at this point. He’s stapled together, there’s not a whole lot Hawks can do to him that hasn’t already been done. Not knowing what he’s going to do causes Dabi to flinch and shiver in pain again.

“It’s different okay? A no strings attached roll in the sheets would have been perfect, you think I want to be stuck with a Hero? What are you going to do? Lock me up, keep me in your apartment like some fucked up broken housewife Hawks? I’m a Villain!” He snapped at him as he flipped him off. Dabi was a contradiction to Hawks. Curled into a protective ball away from him, but flipping him off and screaming at him at the same time.

“The hell are you talking about making you a housewife? I’m --” Hawks took a breath as he shook his head. The fear and pain his soulmate was radiating clouded his head and fed his own emotions. He’d waited this long for a soulmate and wouldn’t give Dabi up. He hadn't wasted the time Dabi had given them, he’d been researching and waiting for Dabi. Every second he wasn’t working he had been looking up the soulmate laws and a way to keep Dabi out of jail. He needed Dabi to trust him, enough to know if anything he found, if it would work. Hawks could work on that, coul earn his trust. If he knew how to do anything, it was how to put in enough work.

Dabi’s stomach growled again. As Dabi’s eyes darted away from him for a moment, a tinge of embarrassment and more anger came across the wide open bond. One problem at a time, food was an easy thing for him to solve, a decent way to earn Dabi’s trust seeing as they had eaten together before. A couple seconds fiddling with his phone and he had something easy to eat on the way. He'd been feeding Dabi before with their regular meetup’s so who knew how long it had been now since the villain ate.

“You're been feeling a lot of fear and anger. Did someone do something at some point? Did I do something?” He saw Dabi curling tighter into himself with every word he spoke. He hated seeing Dabi in pain, so many meetings turned into ‘use my first aid’ and ‘let's go out to eat.’ That was gone now. Hawks ripped a bottle of bond blockers out of his pocket. Relief and a feeling of resignation came across the bond instead of the happyness or gratitude he had been expecting. Still it was progress away from fear or anger. Until Hawks went to place it to Dabi’s outstretched hand. Resentment making everything feel bitter on both ends of the bond as anger came back with embarrassment on Dabi’s.

“Don’t think about it too hard asshole. Just take the damn pill. Shut me out again so we can talk about what you want to do with us. Since you didn’t want me.” He bit the last sentence out, letting how angry and bitter he was color his words. Shoving the bottle in Dabi’s trembling hands as he went to grab the delivered food. He came back in just in time to watch Dabi throw the pill bottle across the room. Looking at Hawks with wide eyes when he came back in. A tsunami of fear crashed across the bond as they stood frozen looking at each other.

“Don’t fucking come near me.” Dabi's rough voice scratched out at him. Keigo wonders if he has any good emotions at this point. If Dabi ever feels anything besides anger, fear and shame. Although, he is probably the one causing that. Sleeping with a Hero is different from being soulmates, and Dabi probably saw his talons that day up on the roof. He’s different behind the glitter and glam of being a Hero.

“It’s just bond blockers, Dabi. You don’t have to take them. It would just make talking a little easier if we’re not constantly picking apart our emotions.” Dabi doesn't respond as he grinds his jaw, Keigo can see the muscle jumping in it across the room, and refuses to answer as shame increases across the bond. Hawks has his own side shut, there’s no need for Dabi to know how desperate he is to make this work. How tired he is or frustrated.

“Shame? Really your ashamed of me? My hero status?” He picks the bottle up again, bringing it over and placing it in Dabi’s hands again. He stares with wanting eyes at the food before finally just opening the bottle and taking a blocker. It still makes Keigo feel sick to his stomach, to know Dabi’s needs are so easily met by him while Dabi looks like he’s preparing to give up a first born. Determination slides across and resignation, not a good combination as Hawks braces himself.

“Why don’t we talk about what you want for the food vs what i'm willing to give for it first Hero.” He sneers the word Hero. “Hand job. You don’t get to touch me and I'll give you a hand job.”

Hawks narrows his eyes and drops the arm with the outstretched food back close to his body, stunned. What has he done that would make Dabi think that he has to do anything for dinner? He’s never acted like this and the first time Dabi ever accepted an offer of dinner he’s flirted the entire time. Making Hawks choke on his own food with filthy innuendo’s.

He gets brought out of his thoughts at the feeling of a warm hand stroking his dick through his pants. Dabi kneeling in front of him and sending a truly poisonous glare up from in between his legs as he works open his pants. The bond still held open let him feel Dabi’s resentment and shame boiling over. Dabi lowers his eye lashes as he pulls Hawks pants and boxers down. A feeling that Keigo couldn’t describe as anything other than anguish greeted him when Dabi got an eyeful of him, still soft after the gentle rubbing Dabi had been giving him as Hawks was bombarded with Dabi’s emotions.

“If I’m so fucking ugly to you but you’re gunna demand shit from me anyways, then look away.” Dabi hissed and licked his palm. Hawks caught his hand as Dabi tried to continue the handjob.

“Counter deal hot stuff. Eat the food. Tell me why you thought I'd let you do something that makes you feel ashamed. Or when have I ever called you anything but good looking. Or charged you dinner.” He set the food down and shoved himself back into his pants. Press smile firmly plastered on his face, nothing wrong here it said. Dabi didn’t want him but was upset when he wasn’t turned on?

Dabi’s stomach rumbled and he snatched the bag up. Hawks had never jerked him around like that before, but that didn’t mean that he never would. He’d had food placed in front of his face and jerked away from him before. Hawks was even more likely to do it since they were soulmates and he had the ability to know when Dabi was angry at him now. When he was afraid and Hawks had the upper hand. His hands shook as he brought the food out of the bag and as he stole glances at Hawks. Who kept inching closer until Dabi was sick of him acting like he was some stray feral animal. If Hawks wanted a fuck then it was going to take more than this food, he’d laid out his offer already and Hawks had said he hadn’t wanted that from him.

“What the fuck do you want from me?” Dabi hissed at him as he finished one container, looking skeptically at the second one. He’d eaten it too fast, if he ate the second one he’d puke. He knew it but what was worse was feeling this concern from Hawks. Knowing that it would end eventually.

“Obviously I didn’t actually think we would be fucking soulmates. I ran off the second I could. So why the fuck did you come looking for someone who wants nothing to do with you?” He laid back against the wall, watching Hawks out of the corner of his eyes.

“I didn’t know why you ran off. Just that you were afraid and then angry when I got here.” Hawks tried not to continue watching him eat. Feeling that it made Dabi uncomfortable. “I’d just, I’d wanted to make sure you were okay. Not a lot of this is making sense frome my perspective Dabi, one minute you were down to fuck and challangeing me to do something about it. Then your running before I can even ask what I did wrong.”

“This has my name on it?” Dabi examined the pills Hawks had given him earlier. Glaring at him as his stomach settled and he relaxed further, letting the wall support more of his weight. His head still pounded as he squinted at Hawks. He didn’t really trust Hawks but his head hurt and there wasn’t anything that would stop the Hero from doing what he wanted anyways. He was stuck to the Hero now. “I don’t want a soulmate. Think I want to be stuck with some cocky bigshot Hero who won’t leave me alone?”

“Then maybe you should have said that.”Hawks bit out. It took a few seconds of them sitting there for Dabi to realize what had changed. Why his headache was nearly nonexistent instead of debilitating.

“What did you give me?” He hissed out and flexed his fingers, bringing them up in front of his face. Pulling at a staple and realizing that his pain had dulled there as well.

“Generic painkillers come with rejected soulbond medication. I’ve been taking it for the last week. Had to go tell my higher ups and get everything sorted out when you took off like a bat out of hell.” Hawks tucked his face into his collar so it was harder to get a read on his face. “Only my doctor knows who my soulmate is. I had him fill a prescription for you and we guessed basic things like weight and height. Pain tolerance and allergies, I know you don’t like fish but we just went with saying it was an allergy.”

Dabi slumped against the bed with the fight draining out of him again. Hawks had given him medication, food and hadn’t touched him yet. The bar was so low it had hit magma and melted years ago if Dabi was honest. He didn’t want to be honest. It was hard to be on guard when he felt taken care of like this. When he still felt a pull to Hawks and wanted to nap beside him for a post food nap.

“And I'm supposed to be grateful for this? Trying to earn my affection already or what?” Dabi meant to snap at Hawks. It came out as a soft question. His eyes fluttered shut when Keigo’s hand brushed his and it felt like every millimeter of skin that touched was warmed. Keigo linked their pinkies together and Dabi stared. It felt like too much and not enough while his throat felt tight. Why was seeing their hands linked enough to make his chest feel tight? Keigo softly stroked the back of his hand and he pulled it back. Curling on his side to face Hawks on the old mattress while tucking his hands back close to his chest.

“I don’t know. I’m just, I don’t think there’s a right answer to that for me Dabi. Just like there isn’t a right answer to what I’d wanted from this, from a soulmate all my life. Because I’m not the one that’s struggling and I’m not the one that matters right now. I fed you because you were hungry, I gave you medication because you needed it.” Keigo gave a half hearted shrug, carefully keeping his eyes trained on the same space of wall. Not letting his expression change even as he felt his face muscles want to crumble. Want to frown, want to do anything other than change from his practiced gently reassuring expression. “What do you want from this then? Not someone to fuck on the regular, I’m not exactly a step up socially or finacially for you. So what do you want from me?” Dabi asked quietly. Keigo got up, started getting his things together. Unable to deal with his soulmate being so close and completely unwilling to be with him.

“Come home with me?” He saw Dabi stiffen at his poor choice of words, worse yet Dabi looked like he was thinking about it before Hawks clarified himself. “Not for that. Just, Dabi just come home with me okay? Eat my food and bitch like normal. You can sleep in the spare room like normal.”

“What’s it going to cost me Hawks? I want to be told upfront, whatever the price is so I can weigh if it's worth being stuck together.” he rasped at him and started testing the strength in his arms. The slowly dulling pain as he tested to see if he would be able to get himself out of here.

“Is it really that far out of your mind that the guy who has been flirting with you and giving you my level best bedroom eyes for a month may have wanted to spend some time with you?” Hawks asked softly as he stood up and bent down to scoop Dabi’s too thin body into his arms.

Dabi didn’t answer, too busy checking and making sure the bond was still closed on his side. He felt no more pain coming from it and it seems the “door” was sealed shut. He slumped a little further into Hawks warmth despite himself, resting his head against Hawks chest.

Dabi is sitting on Hawks couch months later, trying to come up with a way to tell Shigaraki why he’s no longer okay with this. Why he was “eyefucking in front of my salad” according to Shigaraki with Hawks last week, but now he’s going out of his mind being with the hero in the same apartment. The glass door slides open mid sentence as he’s cussing his crusty fucking boss out and he feels his staples strain along his shoulders. The door is carefully shut and his hair stands on end, that’s never good. Hawks always greets him, always let’s him know he’s home. one panic attack had been enough for them both.

Feathers on fire and both of them shaking at the close call. Dabi scrambled back to press himself against the cupboards. He hadn’t meant to hurt him. Had burned his soulmate and fuck, he really was like enji wasn’t he? Keigo very carefully sat down to try and talk to him until Hawks walked away. Allowing Dabi to finally find some sembelance of calm and join Hawks on the sofa to watch some stupid animal planet documentary. Eyeing the burnt feathers as a reminder of why this was a bad idea.

The controlled quiet is unnerving and without thinking Dabi checks his side of the bond for any cracks as he digs his bare toes into the couch cushions and forces himself to relax.

“Hey, Hero shit, the fuck are you being so quite for?” They both pretend Dabi’s voice doesn't shake as he asks Keigo. Keigo doesn't look at him, evidently pretending he hasn't heard him at all as he shuffles past to his bathroom. Dabi hears a choked off sound before the shower starts up and almost instinctively he reaches for Keigo’s end of the bond. He pulls back quickly but it ends up being the first sign that something is wrong. It’s shut, or feels like it’s shut.

They had been born like this, then twisted and burned and torn until they had to work to fit their jagged edges together again, they way they already had been. A constant work in progress and neither would give it up for someone easier. What was something worth if you didn’t have to work for it? Nothing happens that night and eventually Keigo comes out and asks if he can sit next to Dabi. Dabi almost wants this to work out.

If Dabi pulls Hawks into his lap half way through a cooking show and Hawks lets him, neither bring it up. Hawks is tense in Dabi’s lap, Dabi is tense as he brings him over and they cuddle. They pretend to watch the show until they relax, Hawks growing heavy in Dabi’s arms. Waking up with cricks in their neck and legs tangled together. Hawks peacefully sleeping away some of the dark shadows under his eyes.

“Shit, didn’t mean to fall asleep on you last night.” Keigo gave a wide yawn and pressed his face closer into Dabi’s neck. Before his brain caught up with his body and he pulled away. Stuttering apologies with his hands fluttering around Dabi.

“Whatever, stop apologizing and get back here.” Dabi mutters, holding up the edge of the couch blanket. It’s far too easy to make Hawks call in and spend the day with him. He agreed immediately and it’s just a nice evening spent in front of the tv, pretending that they aren't soulmates. It twists something in Dabi’s gut, making him hesitate as he checks the bond. Are these Keigo’s emotions or his? But the bond is firmly shut. He heastites before leaving the bond shut on his end, if a little less pressure on it. Just in case Keigo opens his end, then he can check up on him.

The next time Dabi even thinks of the bond is a week later. When Shigaraki is asking if he can manage to come back to the base. If he wants to come back or if he’s unable to.

‘Of course I can, I’m not trapped here.’ he thinks right before his brain blue screens on him. He ends up telling Shigaraki he’s coming over tonight. He pauses dinner in the kitchen and rather than wait up for Keigo like usual, he puts his plate in the microwave.

He checks the bond on his end like always and this time, this time he stop’s pressing it shut. Leaving it to Keigo if he wants to force himself or try and open the bond before Keigo is ready. He hesitates in the middle of his room before he crawls under his own covers, he doesn't know what he had been expecting. Hawks feelings to hit him full force right away? He didn’t want that. Hawks wouldn’t want that either.

Eventually , Dabi gets curious and tries to open it on his end. He’s met with mild resistance that he shrugs off. It’s the only time he’s tried and maybe Hawks just doesn't want him around. Which is fine. It’s not like he wants the giant pigeon around either. He made his choice when he ran off in that panic, he doesn't regret it either. He slips out one night when Hawks is working late again. He hasn’t asked Hawks if he could go back to the league. He shouldn’t have to, Hawks may have put his spy gig on hold but this is more than a job for Dabi. These people are his friends. The only ones who get it. (The damn bird never seems to have a night at home and it’s even rarer that he wants to be around Dabi. He gets it, he wouldn’t want to be around himself either. Not after the shit show he caused over someone who didn’t even want him.)

He hates being away from them. Even when he left the base of his own violation to hide from Hawks. It’s nice to be home and even Toga clinging to him isn't enough to really annoy him. Dabi and the others have a long terse conversation about Hawks once they’ve had enough small talk. What he plans to do (nothing he can do) and how Hawks is treating him (Best Dabi could hope for. Ignored was better than anything else.)It vividly reminds him that Dabi cares for them, that they care back. One more Hero on their shitlist is something they would welcome without question if Dabi needed it. Not all Heroes are enji but Hawks doesn't seem to even be a person under the flimsy persona he wears. Except for late evenings and sobbing in the shower rarely.

“I’ll come see you guys when I can. He’s out a lot.” Dabi got up and headed for the door. Shigaraki paused his game and followed him, standing tensely beside the door frame with him.

“You don’t have to go back Dabi. We can protect you, you know. We can find a way to get you that medication and then it won’t be an issue.” He spoke much softer than when he had been leading the meeting. Talking as Dabi’s friend rather than just as his boss and leader of a group of ragtag Villains.

“I’m not willing to risk it. Not yet, he hasn’t done anything to me except stay at work and give me sad looks. He wasn’t what I expected from a soulmate either and he knows it.” Dabi shrugged in the pockets of his hoodie and looked outside. Expecting to see Hawks at any moment to check for him. He might still be sleeping at the office but Dabi had better leave before he had to be brought back. Hawks had let it slide the first time but who knows now? Dabi half wished Keigo wouldn’t be there, even if it left the entire point of going moot. He checked the bond again as he had been the entire time he was out. Still not open, he opened his side and found Keigo’s shut. No way to prepare himself if he couldn’t tell what Hawks was thinking.

“I’m checking on you in 2 days if I don’t hear back. Don’t want to lose you because you're too stubborn to let us help.” Shigaraki scowled at him but jerked his head to motion outside. Giving Dabi his cue to leave, but not before Shigaraki seemed to make a split second decision and pull him into a hug. “I’m a phone call away if you need some light dusting done and trash removed.”

Dabi’s eyes stung as he buried his face in Shigaraki’s shoulder. He could do this, he didn’t even actually think Keigo would notice if he was gone, let alone be mad. It was just the what if’s that always killed him. Nobody expects the worst from soulmates or Hero’s, that’s how they always got away with it.

It’s too quiet without Hawks trying and failing to be quiet around him. He glances up and around him as he walks, not focusing on the dirt in front of him as he searches the sky for Keigo. He’s not hovering around his usual buildings when he passes his patrol route either.

Dabi opens the door to the apartment, expecting to find Hawks in some sort of patronizing position ready to scold him for leaving the apartment. Instead he finds the hero in soft pajamas deliberately not looking away from the tv when he walks in. curled up in a tight ball in his armchair with his chin tucked on his knees. His knuckles are white, a stark contrast to the black as his own dye talons twisted in his sleep pants. The chair rocks as dabi enters and he looks at Keigo.

“You visit the league finally?” Hawks asks quietly with a painful sounding rasp to his throat. Dabi again goes to check Hawks mood through the bond, thrown off by the pang he feels at seeing Hawks so bothered by something.

“You hadn’t told me you would need me.” Dabi snaps out defensively as he stands in front of the TV and crosses his arms. Hawks barely even blinked and the hairs on the back of Dabi’s neck rose.

“You can come and go as often as you want Dabi, I never said you couldn’t leave. Just that I wanted to give you someplace that wasn’t that apartment you were squatting in when we found each other.” Hawks muttered softly before wiping at eyes Dabi was just realizing were red rimmed from tears. Feeling like he should follow Hawks, like Dabi wasn’t the one who had upset him in the first place.

“I’m sorry.” he mutters out as Hawks passes him and Keigo turns wide shocked eyes back to him.

“What? No. It’s my fault, I can't expect you to want to put up with me all the time when you never wanted a soulmate. They’re your friends and I'd never keep you from them.” he rubs the back of his head sheepishly and gives Dabi a bright grin. It’s a press worthy smile and it’s useless.

“I wouldn’t let you and I'm not sorry for going to see them, I mean the part where I obviously worried you. You're staying up all night waiting for me and a mess Kei.” Dabi shifted his weight to the other foot and he raised his head and met Hawks eyes. “Why is your side of the bond shut? I already know your angry with me, you”

Keigo’s shoulders jerked back and he flinched as Dabi reached for him.

“Don’t. I’m not sure our bond is weak enough to withstand us being physically close and still stay shut. You could accidentally force it open and, I'm. I’m a lot Dabi. You don’t have to deal with it. Being a Hero is a lot sometimes, on top of me just being fucked up.” He gave Dabi an unamused chuckle and Dabi grit his teeth. He could decide what he wanted all on his own.

He let Keigo leave with that plastered on reassuring smile and raised hands. Opening his own side of the bond again, ripping it open instead of poking around the mental space for once instead. There was nothing there, and Hawks had possibly just given him a reason why. Before, before they were soulmates Hawks had always looked surprised when Dabi flirted back. A faint trace of distress was felt through the bond, too faint to determine if it was anger or frustration or sadness or worry. Just that it wasn’t a nice feeling and as Dabi wrapped his mind around it and tugged, it was jerked away. No other emotions came across, no matter how faint or how long Dabi stayed up turning his assumptions over in his mind.

Over the next few days Dabi tried opening the bond whenever he was curious what Hawks was doing. When he was at work Hawks control slipped the most, letting sadness and this steel bone deep determination, often mixed with anger, escape in tendrils. He poked more at it,carefully keeping his own emotions to himself. everytime he poked at the bond’s fraying edges, as he now realized that’s what the tendrils were, would be yanked quickly away. Even when Keigo was supposed to be in the middle of a fight and distracted.

When Keigo was home they kept up the same thing they had been. With the acceptance of Dabi sometimes visiting the league. Once or twice they came over as well and Dabi found himself having a good time as they all cooked dinner and he set aside a spot for Keigo out of habit.

He ended up talking about his bond again, the league members who liked to go to bed early had already left and it was just him, Shuichi and Shigaraki left for the night. They left all the dishes in the sink and pulled out one of the untouched consoles Keigo owned to play a racing game. It was easier to talk without thinking too hard about how it must look to them while Dabi crashed and burned the virtual cars. Shuichi was the one who ended up saying that Dabi should talk to Keigo if he was concerned about him. Shigaraki begrudgingly pointed out that even if they could have the bond open, they would still need to talk about why they felt things in order to avoid misunderstandings, besides the dialogue was always the best part of side quests. Bested only by adding friends to the party. They fell asleep together between one game and the next and woke up with blankets draped around them, a pot of coffee left on. Dabi flushed and tucked away the note tacked to the fridge Keigo had left him, saying he was glad Dabi had friends over the night before and that he hoped he had slept well with a reminder to take his bond medication.

Dabi had set automatic reminders to Hawks burner phone, he might have been returning the favor. If the night Dabi had come home to find a dead eyed cried out Hawks sitting in front of a TV wasn’t so fresh in his mind still, he would have written it off as that. But it was and he’d frustratingly recounted that night to everyone last night as they raced on screen and Shuichi wrecked them both.

“The successful relationship rate for Hero’s is just above anthromophs. Apparently most can’t take the extra press and their significant others' lives being on the line.” Shuichi glanced back at Dabi and Shigaraki jostled his shoulder against the scaly shoulder.

Dabi snorted before turning his car too wide and crashing all 3 of them. Laughing when they tackled him in mock outrage.

Before Hawks would come back, if he wasn’t avoiding Dabi and working late again, Dabi showed them out the door. Settling himself on the couch while leaving an open spot for Keigo to come in and sit next to him. Always leaning against the other side first before he wound up laying in Dabi’s lap.

“You know that I didn't mind.” Dabi cut himself off with a frown and carded his fingers through Hawks hair. He didn’t want to lie to the bird. That would just create more problems later on. He had minded that Hawks was a hero. Just, not for the reasons Keigo thought. How to let Hawks know that he was allowed to feel things as well. That some part of Dabi was genuinely curious and wanted to help.

“Dabi you didn’t want a soulmate. You don’t trust me. There’s nothing else that can be done when I can't change who I am or that I enjoy being a hero. It’s a lot, I get it okay? I’ve done what I can to help you, my soulmate, now. That's all that I want.” Hawks snapped at him before shoving himself off the couch and disappearing into his room. Dabi stayed awake for longer than he should have, letting the tendrils of emotion Hawks evidently couldn’t contain drift and swirl around him. Not touching them this time as he knew that would end up with Hawks yanking them back. The sky is just starting to lighten, no longer the black of night and not yet the yellow of morning, when Dabi tiredly gets up and opens Keigo’s door. Yanking on the bond at the same time he flops into Keigo’s bed.

“I don’t know how to talk about this okay? Heroes, there are not good people. They think they're helping, it’s very rare that they actually do. My father was a Hero, he bought my mother from her parents and they ended up being soulmates. Domestic violence with Hero’s is also 60%. The ones that get reported and filed anyways. My mother is one of the ones who never pressed charges. She kept saying he wanted to change.” Dabi reached into the space between them and held out his hand.

“I don’t know what I wanted. I don’t know what you wanted out of a soulmate either. I like when we have movie nights though. And you try to steal all the popcorn. I like when we can just cook together and we both burn it.” Dabi yanked on Hawks side of the door again. Feeling it crack open enough for him to determine the plethora of feelings on the other side. Frustration, sadness and apprehension.

“I’m too much. I’m too loud, too hyper. You didn’t even want a soulmate, what are you going to do when I’m too much for you? When you regret this and find everything you thought was cute annoying or you find out how much i care? I’m creepy sometimes and I’m weird and I’m overbearing. What are you going to do then?” Hawks demanded of him with tears in his eyes as he placed his hand next to Dabi’s.

“I’m going to shut the bond. Or I’m going to take the medication for a few days until we can talk about why you're upset and I’m not heading for the worst case scenario. There’s going to be times I shut you out too. When I don't want you in my head, just as often as there are going to be times like today when I want to know what’s going on with you.” Dabi pulled on the bond again and this time Keigo’s opened. Meeting Dabi half way without him being in a state of panic or distress for the first time. Keigo interlaced their hands and Dabi pulled Hawks close to him as Hawks slowly let the tension from his day out.

They woke up in the same bed together with an open soulmate bond, despite the nightmares both had suffered on either end. Pushing surprise and nerves across to form the closest feeling to hope either of them had for their relationship.

@deyanirasan I'm sorry this took so long. i know i said it would be done around January/Febuary and i had some issues.

#gift fic #oneshot #thedarkonewrites #dabi bnha #dabihawks #lime #back to the citruis scale i went #keigo takami #bnha #mha #hawks

[cloveroctobers]

CRANES IN THE SKY | C. Jackson

Requested: Nope! I saw a fluff prompt that sounded great for Chris so this is what I came up with! Prompt — “Stop moving and let me braid your hair.”

WARNINGS: mentions of mental illness, sadness, depression, and “curse words”

YOU were going through it. Life was just becoming a lot for your teenage self and it seemed like this week would never end. It partly felt like everyone was out to get you but you were really just having a bad week and in the back of your mind, you hoped that the next would be better...yet you didn’t even want to think that far ahead. As of a few hours ago you were allowing your self to sit in your funk of your Crenshaw home until Chris barged in making himself at home.

Working in retail felt emotionally and mentally abusive but hey, you needed money to get by right? You were tempted to quit after a month of being there but your mother persuaded you to toughen it out and not let them get to you. ‘Or maybe it was easier for her to say so, so that you wouldn’t be coming to her as much for some cash.’ You bitterly thought.

On top of that, you were getting hours in over time since there were three situations going on with your co-workers. One: was fired due to stealing money from the safe in the stock room, since one of the assistant managers didn’t fully close it, two: got arrested for god knows what— you didn’t care for the drama but it was common knowledge Julio’s ass was gone, and third: got injured on the job and would be out for 6 months. So the work load fell on the remaining three. Only 6 employees in retail...make it make sense. Not only that the customers were more whiny and quick to point the finger than usual and it takes a lot for you to step out of character! but you did.

You had it. So you went into a screaming match, which wasn’t expected of you but it happened. The store manager did not have your back and blamed you in front of the customer since, “the customer is always right,” motto was heavily encouraged and a part of you HOPED he was just doing that for show and would apologize later but nope! He stood by wtf he said and put you on punishment when it was clear that the customer was not right.

So instead of sending you home and keeping you away from the place? He decided to give you more hours as if you’re the only one working there + kept you off the register so you could only interact with those on the floor. If he expected you to come in for five days straight while being a high school student? He was out of his damn mind. So you called out the three of the five days you were supposed to be there and didn’t care for his guilt trips. You deserved better and didn’t need to deal with this bs for only $11.11 an hour. You hoped he fired you.

Since you were working so much prior to the screaming match with that aggy customer, you were falling behind on your studies. Those pop quizzes came back as c+ to c- and your exams? Even lower. You were turning in homework half assed or not turning it in at all and normally you were a decent student with a B average. You weren’t overly thrilled about school but you did your best and did just fine at that.

You never saw yourself as someone who would go to college. Your mom or your step-dad didnt go and it was expected that you wouldn’t because of your background. Wasn’t that a shame? Crenshaw high could do a lot better at getting kids prepared for bettering their futures but they just wouldn’t put the time in to kids that wanted it or could accomplish it if they just had the right guidance.

It was really depressing and it was all starting to sink in at the end of your junior year of high school. You couldn’t just give up but you were having one of those days and wanted to be left alone. Which was partly what you had in your condominium complex with your step-sibs staying behind to attend after school activities with you having to pick them up from the bus stop by 5:15, your mother was working the night shift as a waitress, and your step-dad was away on “business.”

The quiet was interrupted by Chris making his way into your living room with you all curled up. He took one look at you and shook his head, “Nuh-uh, get up ya ass up, girl. You’ve been like this for what? Days now?”

Giving him the side eye, you rolled your body on the couch to put your back to him as you went to bury your head into the open s peace between the couch and cushion. “If you came here to start with me, you can leave the same way you came in.”

You were used to Chris getting into your house. You did lock your doors around here but Chris was surprisingly good at getting through things which related a lot to his life I guess you could say. The guy overcame a lot especially learning how to walk again after almost being paralyzed. You and Chris grew up together, and were actually friends first before Spencer, Coop, and Shawn came into the picture. Your mother’s were the best of friends and got pregnant around the same time, with Chris being only a few months older than you, which he likes to rub in to get on your nerves.

“And you can keep that stank ass attitude to yourself, get up mama this ain’t no way to be.” You could feel the weight of Chris sitting on the couch behind you.

He was now poking you, probably trying to find your ticklish spot but if you start swinging then you’re the bad guy right?

Chris knew you like the back of his hand and vice versa. He knew all about how your week was going and how you’ve been skipping class to do whatever it is that you do, since you did have one class together.

“Alright look, when I was away—

He always considered his recovery as, “away,” almost as if it pained him to say that, which you understood by all means, but Chris could just call it what it was. He was strong, he made it through but you noticed in the way he played now was more cautious. He was in his head which was common with sports injuries apparently. You noticed with Spencer he would normally react after the stress of the game or something that brought on the stress. He also probably thought you had no clue what was going on with him, but he was also one of your besties so of course you knew. You just never said anything.

Now it was you who was going through a little something and needed someone to bring you out of it, whether you said it or not. And here Chris was. As always.

“You know I was a completely different person—

“Yeah, you were a fresh asshole.” You commented, remembering those moments quite clearly since it was you and Olivia who tried to be there. He only seemed to let you be there, especially after he broke up with Olivia over text. Which you laid into his ass about.

Which made Chris breathe out a laugh pressing his elbows into his knees, “you’re not wrong. And I’m forever sorry about that but you knew I was going through some dark shit. And I can see you’re partly there but you don’t need to sit in it.”

“Okay, Iyanla. What would you like for me to do?” You asked twisting your body to the side to finally look at the mocha skinned boy.

Chris smiled with his pretty teeth, “maybe take a shower? ‘Cause this bum energy I’m getting from you right now is not cute and I know underneath all that, you’re not half bad.”

A foot went out to kick him pretty hard but he tried and failed to doge it with a laugh. “Nah. But for real though, you got to find something that’s gonna keep you sane. Find something even if it’s not permanent that’ll keep your mind active and out of the dark, cause once you completely slip into it, it’s hard to get out of. Trust me.”

You knew Chris was on anti-depressants for a little while and how he called you flipping out that his mother even agreed that it would be a good idea. In the black community it was not a common thing to speak about your mental health, it was non-existent and you were expected to “get over it,” to not think like that because we are made to be tougher than what we are and it shouldn’t be like that. We should be able to feel our emotions and admit when something is troubling us.

And Chris’ mother thought that was what was best for her son. And you saw how vile of a person Chris became when he thought everything was over for him. That was not the Chris Jackson you knew, he was headstrong, compassionate when he wanted to be, and ambitious. So to see him like that was hard.

So here he was for you even though your emotions right now probably wasn’t that deep but again, you were trying to be more in touch with your emotions. Both of the adults in your life were slightly cold so it rubbed off on you a little bit of course, until it was brought out of you. Your father was the most loving and as a kid you used to be that way, with a warm prescence and a belly full of laughter. Now you were full of small smiles and cold stares.

However your main friends: Chris, Spencer, Coop, and even Shawn know/knew who you are even if you’re different now.

You don’t know how long you sat in silence but once Chris started to annoyingly snap his fingers in front of your face, You snapped out of it and smacked his hand down; slowly you sat up on your uncomfortable couch and took a deep inhale.

Then you moved through the cramped apartment to your bedroom and bathroom grabbing a few things. When you came back Chris was also entering from the kitchen with two plastic cups, eyeing the items in your hand. “What’s going on with that?”

You plopped the large pillow in front of the couch, held your hand out for the cup which Chris handed over, and you took a large gulp to taste cran-peach. Chris moved to place his own cup on the coaster and went over to the window to crank up the A/C before he glanced back over at you still awaiting a answer.

“You’re telling me to find my peace? I’ve always wanted to be a stylist, so I’m going to perfect my craft.” You answered sitting on the couch with a crack of your neck.

Chris thought this over and blew out a raspberry. Then he moved to sit in between your legs on the floor, “Alright, y/n. I’ll be your first client. But I’m tellin’ you right now if you braid too tight where my edges look eaten, I’m out the door.”

A smile graced your lips as Chris grabbed his cup and remote to turn the tv on, “so what we watching to keep me entertained?”

Shrugging your shoulders you held the rat tail comb in your hand while using the other to run your fingers through Chris’ coarse hair that he was deciding to grow out. Chris got himself comfortable resting against your legs as you decided which side of the head you wanted to start on first before you began parting and sectioning off his hair.

You were going to give him some cornrows so you had to make sure everything was even and not look crazy. You were decent at braiding, you often did your step-sis’ hair since your mother no longer had time to do it and she sure did have a lot of hair. It gave you some sense of satisfaction, you taking on the older sibling role and gave you the time to bond.

Chris finally found something after twenty minutes and was yelling at the tv which made you mess up the grip on the fourth row. “If you don’t stop moving and let me braid your hair...hold your head right or I’m gonna pop you!” You threatened.

“This is triggering me back to my aunties, specifically aunt Henrietta’s ol’ mean ass.” Chris mumbled the last bit as he flinched making you laugh a little bit, remembering the name and the picture of the woman with the large mole on her pointy chin.

She lived in Maryland and had a beauty salon that Chris’ mom would always take a trip down there to get their hair done, if they had a special event to go to. It didn’t make sense to you or your mother since there were a few good shops here in Crenshaw or rather—girls and boys that did hair out of their homes around but Mrs. Jackson wanted to support her great aunt so by all means...

You gripped his hair again tight but not too tight to begin the braid, “I’m gonna add beads so everyone around school can call you hurricane chris.”

“...that’s real foul. You’re about to make me not support your dreams anymore, I’m dead serious.” Chris replied making you laugh, which made him smile at the sound.

You briefly glanced up to watch a scene on whatever show or film Chris was watching and raised your eyebrow not knowing what was going on or who these characters were but it was definitely engaging.

Chris nudged your knee with his shoulder after you fell silent again, “feel better?” He asked, moving AGAIN to meet your eyes.

“yeah, a little. Thanks.” You scrunched up your nose and stuck your tongue at him.

After awhile your alarm went off letting you know it was time for you to leave and get ready to get the kiddos. As you both got up, Chris went to the mirror to check out your handiwork while you snapped a few pictures before making your way to the door, taking the keys from the side table as you went.

“Y/N...you said would make me look good.”

“Uh huh?”

“Then tell me why...the hell you got me looking like ODB?” Chris’ deep set brows held a deep frown on them as he glanced at his childhood friend who innocently peered back at him.

You shrugged as you threw the door open, “i never said I’d be the best hair stylist out there, plus you wouldnt stop moving your big ass head. I told you to sit still! And did you listen? Noooooo.”

Chris licked his lips looking down as he folded his hands together before his eyes flicked up, “ok. I’m on your ass!”

You yelped as dashed out the door, laughter in your lungs as Chris chased you down the narrow hallway, hot on your trail.

#all american #all american x reader #chris jackson #Spencer Moore ii #Chris Jackson x reader #Chris x Olivia #spencer james #tamia cooper #all american cw

[rkkyul]

⊹ ˚.  OOC ; INTRODUCTION. ps. give this a like for plotting!

PEEKABOO GUESS WHO hola everyone it’s faye again ( rkseung’s mun ) ! i have been craving to bring this girl back to rookies after her disappearance last year so here she is ♥ for those of you don’t know her, this kyulkyung - the ex ballerina with a messy past & greedy heart. she’s matured quite a bit since her last rodeo at rookies, but she’s still lots of fun so pls show her some love ♥ you can read more about her background here and learn all about her here, you can kinda find a more condensed version of everything under the cut. also feel free to message me here in ims or on twitter @foxglves !

past! because i kind of went overboard with her background ( sorry to anyone who reads it ashfmska ), i’ll kinda break it down real quick. basically we have a rich girl here who was not always so rich. she born in china to young parents who really struggled with money, especially after her father died. her mother then married a rich older man who could help her support kyulkyung and she could give her a life full of opportunities she never had. and this man became someone who they relied on for all expenses and favors. kyulkyung’s step father paid for all of her dance classes and helped make a name for the girl by pulling strings and throwing cash. kyulkyung and her mother came to rely on him a bit too much,,, for everything really.

rookies timeline may 2017 - nov 2018! kyulkyung’s story in seoul started with her acceptance into the korean national ballet where she was pretty much on her own for the first time. sure she lived with her mom but her dance career was now based solely on her - she couldn’t rely on her step father’s influence and help to further career or benefit her in any way. they were out of his reach, but because of his constant help it kind of crippled her. not believing fully in her own skills, she was pressured into sleeping with her dance instructor to better herself in this career. kyul landed big roles and some extra classes, but ultimately it came to an end when they were discovered. it was a toxic relationship really, but the downfall was excruciating. both she and the girl who discovered them were paid BIG BUCKS to keep quiet, but she was ultimately kicked out of knb and everything just went downhill from there. she kinda shut herself off from everyone and wallowed in pity and embarrassment even though no one really knew. her mom left for china first to try and clear things over with kyul’s step father and she herself returned back to china around the end of november. she basically ran away to kinda clean up herself emotionally and just take a break.

now! she’s recovered finally!! she returned to korea in march with a new mindset and ambition. kyul moved in with a friend who shared ownership of a dance/sing academy ( HOOK & CROOK ACADEMY ) where she was happy to give kyul a job as a instructor. she teaches both a hip hop and pop class so catch her there!! she kinda just pretends nothing happened and is trying her best to move on and leave all of that shit behind her.

THAT’S NOT MY NAME ! jieqiong is her biological name and that’s what people from back home or those she met during her brief time in new york ( 2016-MAY 2017 ) know her by. kyulkyung is a rough translation of her name and just what she goes by in korea for the sake of ease.

FUN LOVING ! kyulkyung is generally very laid back and loves to just do whatever she feels like. she literally holds and treats herself like a princess and can be a bit conceited at times, but is all around very sweet and kind hearted. SASS FOR DAYS BUT LOVES YOU LONG TIME WINK

CATCH HER AT THE MGA5 ! even now, she would not have done this if her students and coworkers didn’t talk her into this but she’s in it to win it so watch out eyes emoji

SOCIAL MEDIA WHO ! kyul used to be an avid user of all types of social media. to her own youtube channel to ranting on twitter to posting pics 24/7 on instagram she had it alllll and a decent group of followers. but after her little oopsies at knb, she deleted everything and has kinda kept away from social media. but who knows, maybe the mgas may persuade her?

K-ARTS STUDENT ! she kinda hippity hopped it out of sk for winter break but she’s back so classmates pleaseeeee university is also the only public schooling she’s been enrolled in, she was homeschooled 90% of her life.

MAX OUT THAT CREDIT CARD BITCH ! kyul loves loves LOVES to shop and always has. she keeps up with all trends and probably makes many poor fashion choices, but she tries to keep it classy & cool. also a makeup hoarder don’t ask to see her vanity pls.

MAMAS GIRL ! this girl loves her mother more than anything and often gets homesick because of this. this is the longest time she’s been away from her mom and although she doesn’t live on her own, she always facetimes her and asks her stupid adulting questions,,, she’s still learning ok!!

FREAKS COME OUT AT NIGHT ! loves itaewon and hongdae nightlife but she’s not much of a drinker. usually the dd or the sober friend who makes sure no one gets kidnapped rip

so sorry that was so so long but!! i hope this helps a bit with plotting!! bring her some students at hook & crook ( there will be a post for this eventually ) or some past friendships or any relationship really from her first time in korea or whatever !!! pls love and support this bby

#❀ ° ～ out of cheese. #god i suck at these #bear w me #getting to ims soon!!

[shippingtheswann]

FOOLS RUSH IN:

Summary: Emma Swan has been married since she was five years old. Under the old oak tree, she wed Killian Jones, her neighbor. Then, he moved away, but made one final promise, that one day he would marry her for real. See what happens when he returns to make good on his promise.

Fools Rush in Chapter Eleven

Rating: Mature/Explicit

Warning: SMUT

Read from the beginning here

A/N: Thanks to @captainswanbigbang for once again organizing an amazing event. I've been missing Captain Swan for the past year, and having this has helped so much! Thanks to Lana @high-seas-swan and Kaitlyn @spartanguard for their beta help. Go check out Lana's story when you get a moment as well – it's amazing! Thanks to Rachel @ladyciaramiggles for the art she has provided. Also, thanks to Kris @sambethe for the cover art for the story and for beta help! All of you have made this story what it is! I hope you all enjoy what's happening and what is coming up! Warning for this chapter: there will be lots of smut! Enjoy!

Monday came too quickly. Everyone always says that, but waking up curled up against Killian, knowing that her alarm was going to break the perfect silence of the room made Emma feel almost murderous. Normally she loved Mondays. She loved getting to start a new week at school. But that day, all she wanted to do was snuggle deeper against the mass of perfect body behind her.

How was it that in two days' time, Emma went from being someone who hated to share the bed - so much that the thought of doing it gave her a mini panic attack - to someone who now thought she would never be able to sleep in that bed alone again.

Of course, Killian was the answer.

The way he held her in his sleep, with enough pressure to make her feel safe and warm without feeling trapped or confined; the way he managed to send goosebumps up her spine at the mere inhale of his breath against her shoulder made her realize that she had been missing out.

His arms snaked around her hips, pulling her in closer, as if he knew instinctively that she was awake. He didn't say anything, just like the previous morning, and he didn't need to. His giant erection said everything she needed to hear.

She wasn't going to push it though. She thoroughly enjoyed their time the previous morning, but when Killian pulled away from her, she could see in his eyes that while he was physically ready to give her everything, he may still be slightly damaged in the emotional department.

She wanted him though; even though she slowed down and allowed him his space, she wanted him - desperately.

Never in her lifetime had she wanted someone as much as she wanted him. Sure, she had sex before, and it was pretty decent. But she never felt the attraction towards someone that she did towards him. Even when she would stare at his profile picture for hours, she was more captivated with it than she was with any of her boyfriends.

Probably because she only ever dated jerks. Neal, Jefferson, August. They were all the same. They may have given her pleasure, but none of them made her heart skip a beat the way Killian did.

It was probably the way he looked at her. At least, that is what she thought. Killian's eyes tore into her in a way she never thought possible. He could read her instantly. There wasn't hiding anything from him. On top of that, the passion he held in his blue eyes was something Emma had only seen once before. It was the stuff stories were made of - a look that claimed someone, a look that said you belonged to one another, and nothing would ever tear you apart.

Mary Margaret and David looked at each other like that. She had caught glimpses of it when she would hang out with them. It was a look that said neither one of them was really living without the other, like life wasn't worth living if they weren't together.

Truthfully, she had always wanted that, but she knew true love wasn't real. Or, if it was, it was too rare for her.

That was until she saw the way Killian looked at her.

It scared her a bit, how deeply he cared for her. She didn't want to call it love, but she was pretty sure his feelings were almost there.

It was the reason she didn't want to get up that morning, it was the reason she had spent all day thinking about blue eyes that looked into her soul, the way none had ever looked at her before. If that was how Killian made her feel, she wanted to wake up feeling that way for the rest of her life. Shit, she thought; she was in deep.

While she was pretty sure his feelings for her were deep, she didn't think hers were as strong as his. At least emotionally. She knew her physical feeling; like the constant feeling she wanted to jump his bones; were stronger than his. Maybe it was because of how she had to not only protect her own heart, but Henry's; maybe it was because she had never really had the opportunity to really feel what it was like to have someone hold her the way Killian did; maybe it was just something in her DNA; all she knew was that she was beginning to fall for him.

Sure, she loved Killian. He was her best friend, there would always be those feelings, lurking in the corner of her mind. It was why she was able to forgive him so quickly, it's what kept her thinking about him all those years, however, the love she had felt for him at one time was nothing compared to what she was feeling for him now. The love she used to have was a friendly love; similar to the love you have for your parents, or siblings. It wasn't a passionate love, it was a love that bubbled around in your veins causing you to forget every little bad thing that may have happened.

When she walked out of her bedroom an hour after leaving Killian's side, she found coffee waiting in the pot, hot steam rising off her coffee mug that was already filled. The small hole in the top allowed for some of the heat to escape. She loved the mug that had been chosen.

She had been collecting coffee mugs from Starbucks since she was in college. Anytime they released a travel mug, she got it. One of her cabinets was almost completely filled with mugs, including ones her parents had gotten her on their travels around the world. Yet, her favorite out of all of them was one Henry had made for her with the help of Mary Margaret and David. She had to go out of town for a conference the year before and the couple offered to watch him for her. David had taken Henry out early for hunting and on their way back stopped at Starbucks to get David some coffee and Henry a cake pop. Inside, Henry found the tumbler. It was a simple mug, but allowed the person owning it to personalize the design. Henry spent the weekend decorating the white background, placing a picture of him and Emma right in the middle. She cried when he gave it to her. The words I love you Mom caused her to break down.

Getting ready in the morning was a routine for Emma, and she knew Killian needed to leave for work before she would be ready. He gave her a quick kiss goodbye, struggling to not give into the temptation that they were both feeling. As she felt his lips against hers, and heard the moan escape, she wanted to pull him in closer and demand that they both take the day off to really get to know each other, but she also knew it was better that they take things slowly, especially after the small anxiety attack she had.

Next to her mug was a brown paper bag and a note.

The note was short, but sweet.

Emma love,

I am sorry to have to rush out like this. I've packed you a lunch, I hope you enjoy it. I wasn't sure if you had a lunch pail or anything.

I will be thinking of you all day. Getting any work done is going to be a real challenge when all I want to do is spend more time with you.

I also packed Henry a bag that he took with him as he rushed out the door. He said something about needing to meet Avery about a project.

I hope you spend the day thinking of me, the way I am going to be thinking of you. Your kisses are so sweet I am not sure I want to eat my own packed lunch, in fear of losing the feeling of you.

Have a wonderful day and I'll see you tonight.

XX Killian

Emma smiled down at the note that was written in almost perfect penmanship. She could almost hear his accent in his writing. It warmed her heart that he had told her about Henry, showing he cared enough already. She knew Henry was going to leave before her, but she was wondering why the house was so silent when she left her bathroom after curling her hair. Henry hadn't run into her room shouting that he was leaving, so Killian must have told him he would relay the message.

She peaked inside the bag to see a couple of plastic containers. She wasn't sure what filled them, as they were stacked on top of each other. However, there were a couple of leftover cookies wrapped in plastic wrap at the top, which made Emma smile.

Her phone pinged in her bag as she grabbed the rest of her items of her counter and moved to head to work.

You have a lot of explaining to do!

Mary Margaret's text came through and all Emma could think about was Mary Margaret yelling at her in a Cuban accent, the same way Dezi Arnez used to yell at Lucy. It was like Emma was in her own little episode in I Love Emma.

She sent back a thumbs up and started her way to school. It was only a ten minute drive from her home to Storybrooke Middle School, not enough time in her opinion. Emma loved riding in her car, singing along to the music. She had an extensive playlist on Spotify. Every morning she sang along to her favorite songs, getting her in the mood for the upcoming day. She only wished she had longer in the car because ten minutes was not enough time to jam out to Journey in her opinion.

Mary Margaret was waiting outside her classroom door when Emma approached, keys out and ready to unlock the room. Her friend tried to look annoyed at whatever Emma had done, but the woman was too sweet to really look mad. There was still a slight smile on her face, and her eyes were bright and happy. It was a look that a kid would get when looking at their parents after they did something they knew was wrong. A look filled with innocence yet mischief.

"How was your weekend?" she asked as Emma opened the classroom and flipped on the lights.

Emma loved her classroom. It was bigger than others, thanks to the need of lab tables. She was able to have a giant fish tank that sat on the back table. One of her favorite parts of the new school year was having a competition to see which students would get to name their class pets. It was thanks to Mary Margaret that she had so many aquatic life forms anyway. She had suggested that Emma get the animals that were in Finding Nemo. So she requested funds from the school to have a saltwater tank, in addition to her freshwater tank she got on her own dime, to show students the differences in biodiversity and ecosystems.

Walking to her table, Emma tried to ignore Mary Margaret's question, one that she knew held more than just a simple inquiry from a friend. Emma chose to not have a traditional desk in her classroom. Instead, she sat and utilized the demonstration desk, so she didn't have to walk far.

Mary Margaret's eyes raised when Emma looked over.

"It was good," she responded, not giving much away.

"Don't be coy, Emma - something happened; Henry told David last night," her friend said, throwing her another look that said I'm not an idiot, Emma; I know about everything.

At that moment, she silently cursed getting Henry that phone. Henry had begged Emma for a phone, saying all of his friends had one. It was like she was sixteen again, except she wasn't begging her parents for something, it was Henry. Emma could remember how she felt when her parents told her no; how she felt like an outcast because her parents didn't want her having a MySpace or AIM profile. So, she caved, and bought Henry an iPhone. But, unlike most boys his age, he didn't spend time on it messaging girls on snapchat or being a creep; he used it for his gaming, streaming videos of the different challenges he got into while gaming, and searching information about gaming. He was even obsessed with Pokemon Go, and had begged Emma to take him down to New York one weekend so he could catch some rare Pokemon that he would never find in Storybrooke. Emma had raised a wonderful kid.

"And what did my son say?"

"He said that you had a date over and that said date was now living with you all." Emma was surprised how calm Mary Margaret was being about all of this. Even the line of questioning was calm for her friend. She would have expected this response from Ruby, but not Mary Margaret. Hell, just the other day, Mary Margaret freaked out when Emma said she had met Killian, so to hear her friend question the new man in her life and the status of his living arrangements in such a clam and even manner freaked her out a bit.

"And?" Emma responded.

"And, why didn't you tell me?" she questioned. A smile came across the woman's face and her eyes lit up. Emma could tell the excitement was coming.

"I was going to tell you today at lunch," Emma said, sending Mary Margaret into the tizzy she had been waiting for.

A squeal escaped Mary Margaret's lips and she ran to Emma, giving her a hug, causing Emma to wobble a bit on her heels. There were now tears in the woman's eyes, causing Emma to roll hers.

"What?" she questioned.

"I just never thought I would see the day that you opened yourself up like that. Emma Swan is in love," she exclaimed.

"I am not in love. Killian just needed a place to stay that's all. He had been staying with his brother and it was becoming cramped, so I offered him a place to stay," Emma explained.

"If you say so," Mary Margaret countered.

While Emma may have always had the power to know when someone is lying, Mary Margaret could always tell when she was. Not many people were able to read Emma the way her best friend could. She had tried many times in college to lie to Mary Margaret. She never lied about something as big as this, but she had tried to pull the rug over on her a couple of times; but Mary Margaret could always see through the bullshit Emma was serving. And just like that moment, Mary Margaret never called her on it. She always replied If you say so and left it at that. Most of the time Emma didn't care that Mary Margaret knew she was lying, and just left their conversation where it lay, but on the big stuff, Emma always felt guilty lying to her. She knew her friend was only trying to support her. Besides, eventually, Emma always told her the truth. Sometimes it would take a while, or a large amount of alcohol, but the truth always came out.

"Fine," Emma sighed.

She had said she wanted to keep the arrangement with Killian a secret from her friends, at least until they came to a decision on where they stood, but Emma needed to talk to someone – someone other than Killian.

At first, she thought she could tell Ruby, but that girl had a hard enough time keeping normal secrets; so she couldn't trust her to keep track of one as big as this. Also, while Ruby was good to talk to, she was sometimes too straight forward. Her focus wasn't what Emma needed at the moment. Mary Margaret, though, would listen to Emma; she would ask Emma the probing questions that would get Emma to admit things she didn't even know she felt.

"So, at dinner the other night, Killian said something that got me thinking about our relationship," she began, and Mary Margaret's nod told her to continue. "When we were younger, Killian promised he would come back one day and marry me – for real."

Mary Margaret's jaw dropped to the floor. Emma smiled a bit at her reaction; it was rare that Mary Margaret was so surprised by something. Once she had gotten over the initial shock of a proposal, her best friend let out a soft ah. She had told Mary Margaret about her past "wedding" to Killian during one drunken night in college; and Mary Margaret can't hold her liquor, so Emma thought she forgot about it. But now that her friend was sober, she was a lot more aware of what Emma was saying.

Emma was in for it now.

Mary Margaret had always wanted Emma to have exactly what she had with David. She wanted to see Emma married to her "true love," pregnant and barefoot, padding around her kitchen. It was something she always brought up whenever she visited Emma's home; she would walk down through the hallway into the second bedroom and comment how it was the perfect size for a nursery. For a while, it bothered Emma so much that she insisted they only eat at the Nolan's. She knew Mary Margaret only wanted to see her happy, but Emma had come to terms that she would probably never find someone that made her stop in her tracks the way David made Mary Margaret. That was, until a few nights ago.

Waking up next to Killian, falling asleep with him there made Emma wish she had what they had; made her wish that she could turn back the clock and be with him sooner – that she had left the country after high school to attend college in Ireland, or chase after him in some way. Looking back at all the wasted time, she hated herself for letting him go the way she did. Yet, she knew that things wouldn't be the way they were now if they hadn't had time to grow up apart.

"We were stupid kids," Emma responded, unsure of what to say next.

"You weren't stupid kids; it's cute, actually. You loved him even back then," she responded, taking a seat in the front of the classroom, like she was waiting for Emma to teach her something she didn't already know.

"I guess you could call it that. He was my best friend. He got me. I never had to say what was wrong when Killian was around because he already knew." There was a tone in her voice when she spoke about their past that she couldn't place. She had never spoken about anyone this way.

"So, he's back and what? He wants to marry you for real?" she asked.

"Yeah, he does," Emma whispered, but not quiet enough for her best friend to not hear her.

The squeal that came out of Mary Margaret's lips was decibels above her squeal from earlier. The shriek pierced the air and her friend was way too giddy with excitement. She jumped up from the seat she had just sat down in and did a little dance before she came to Emma – who was still standing at her desk, looking at her friend in confusion.

Well, slight confusion. She knew Mary Margaret would be happy that Emma was finally on the "right path" – according to Mary Margaret – but she didn't expect her to have no negative reaction. She at least thought she would get the gaping mouth again, like her previous confession. Maybe it was just that Mary Margaret had been patiently waiting for the point of the story, or maybe she had already guessed what had been happening – either way, Emma was expecting a harsher response – one that called for patience and a jump back into reality.

"Oh Emma, that's wonderful! He wants to marry you – oh, tell me everything! What did he say? How did he do it? What did you say? When's the wedding?" Just like the other day, Mary Margaret let her excitement get the best of her. When she was excited like this, she turned into a yappy Chihuahua, not pausing to take a breath and getting overly excited over something with so few details.

Emma rolled her eyes a bit as Mary Margaret continued to ask question after question. Emma pulled out her chair that was behind the demonstration desk and took a seat. She knew that she had to let Mary Margaret talk herself down.

"Sorry," Mary Margaret finally said when she took in Emma sitting down with her arms crossed.

Her friend meant well, cared about her; but also knew she could sometimes overdo her emotions.

"It's OK," Emma smiled, unfolding her arms and leaning forward.

"Hmmm, now where should I start? You had so many questions," Emma responded with a bit of sarcasm, smiling at Mary Margaret, who had thankfully sat back down across from her. "First, I know it's kind weird that we are even talking about this. Especially after I have only known him again for a few days. But things just feel right."

As she explained, Mary Margaret's face beamed. It was contagious. Yes, Emma had been feeling very nervous about all of this - how could she not? But seeing how happy Mary Margaret was for her, seeing her friend's excitement over love finally coming into Emma's life, suppressed those feelings.

"Secondly, we haven't planned anything, because there wasn't really a question," Emma explained.

"What do you mean there was no question? He asked you to marry him, right?" she questioned, a bit of annoyance lacing her voice.

"Well, not really. We were talking about life when Killian asked if I remembered our childhood promise. It caught me off guard a bit and kinda threw a wrench into the night. But, as he walked to my car, I thought about it. If Killian really did want to marry me, would I really say no? I knew I couldn't. He is my oldest friend. He knows me better than anyone else does, including you; even though we've been apart for years," she spoke, hoping to not hurt her friend's feelings. But, it was true. She loved Mary Margaret, and was very thankful for her friendship; but the woman didn't get Emma the way Killian did.

Over the past few days, Emma had seen that the connection that was between them was still as strong as it used to be when they were younger. Killian knew instantly when something was wrong with her; he also seemed to know exactly what was bothering her before she even realized it herself. It was how he knew she was upset about his nonvisits before she even wanted to admit it to herself.

"Ok, so he didn't ask you directly?" she asked for clarification.

"I guess, he said he was joking, so I decided to joke with him – I told him if he was serious, I would," Emma smiled at the confession, because she really was joking at first.

"So what does that mean then? You aren't getting married? But he is living with you," Mary Margaret was still confused.

"Let me finish," Emma huffed. "So of course, my little joke stunned him a bit, but got us both thinking about it. The next day, you know I had plans with him that afternoon; after everything went well at brunch, I decided that you had been right all along."

"What do you mean?"

"I have been fighting love and relationships for years. I know it's stupid; but since Neal fucked up everything, I've been living as if I don't need a relationship to be happy, or at least living as if a relationship can't help. But, you were right. In college you told me I can't stop fate and once I found the right guy, I would know. As I was driving, I realized something. Maybe Killian has always been the one for me. Maybe fate, or destiny, or whatever the hell you want to call it; maybe it decided that it was finally time for Killian and I to be together. I wasn't 100% sure that he thought the same about me, and I wasn't sure if he was serious or not about the whole promise, so I just asked him," Emma confessed.

Mary Margaret was stunned again. It was surely going to be a morning she would never forget in her life. First, Emma was living with a guy whom she had a "relationship" with; second, Emma had told her that she was right; now, Emma was confessing to asking a man to marry her.

Now, Mary Margaret wasn't against the idea that a woman could ask a man to marry her, she was very much a feminist; but the idea that Emma would ask a man to marry her was just mind-boggling. Emma had never been the relationship type of person; and while Mary Margaret had wished Emma would find someone that made her smile and feel the way David made Mary Margaret feel, she knew she was grasping at straws (didn't stop her from trying to set Emma up, though). In a matter of days, Killian made Emma do a complete 180 in her thoughts on men and relationships; and Mary Margaret couldn't contain her excitement.

"You asked him?" she asked, wanting to make sure she really did hear it right.

"Yes," Emma rolled her eyes again, the torment of the questioning getting old.

"And he said yes?"

"Well, not exactly. I kinda attacked him," she blushed.

Instead of asking any more clarifying questions, Mary Margaret just arched an eyebrow, telling Emma to continue with her story.

"I could tell he was over thinking everything – so I kissed him. I didn't want him thinking. He always did that when we were young. I was always the mischievous one – jumping from trees and willing to do anything once without thinking, whereas he was always the one to think about what may happen. You know, there was a time when I thought we should climb a tree in the park near our homes. It was one we hadn't climbed before, but I wanted to climb it. It was one of the biggest in the area. I was running right up to it, taunting Killian to join me; yet he kept saying we needed to make sure it was safe first. That same look I saw when I was five, I saw Saturday afternoon. I didn't want him debating himself out of it," Emma explained.

"Ok, so what happened?"

"Well, he said he had always dreamed of marrying me, that he had always thought about it, but never thought it would happen. He also said he didn't want to screw anything up, so we should try it out first," she said.

"So that is why he is living with you?" Mary Margaret pondered.

"Yeah. For thirty days, we are going to act like a married couple. We are doing a trial run. And, if at the end of the month, things are working out, we will get married," Emma smiled, sending up a small prayer to whatever Gods may be listening, asking for them to make it the thirty days.

"And what does Henry think of all this?" There was a scolding tone behind the question.

"Henry doesn't know. And he isn't going to know either," Emma began. "You are the only one who knows, actually. We aren't telling anyone. Shit, I wasn't even supposed to tell you anything – but I can't lie to you."

"If Henry finds out, he is going to be pissed," Mary Margaret countered.

"I know, but we didn't want anyone influencing our decision. Killian was right; we needed to not jump into this. We need to make sure that it's what we really want. I don't want to screw this up, and I know that if I told anyone – well apart from you – that I would be setting myself up for failure," Emma countered.

"Alright," she conceded.

"Really?" Emma wondered, rarely did Mary Margaret conceded the way she did. Emma was kinda hoping that Mary Margaret would tell her that what she was doing was stupid, since a small part of her did think that.

"Of course! If you are happy, then I am happy. Sure, I may not 100% understand what you are doing; but it is kind of romantic if you think about it. Childhood crush promises to come back and make good on a promise one day and they have to get to know each other better in a short amount of time. Hell, Emma, that is what romance dramas are based on," her friend smiled, standing up to walk over. "I understand your hesitation to tell anyone – we all know Ruby can't keep a secret for crap – just don't forget you can always talk to us if you need to. You say Killian was the over thinker out of the two of you; but you probably do just as much overthinking as he does – just in different areas in your life."

The bell shrilled inside the room, signaling the start of the school day. They had ten minutes until the students would start infiltrating their rooms for homeroom.

Mary Margaret hugged Emma tightly. "I'm so happy for you."

Emma smiled as her friend left, happy that she was able to tell someone. Happy that things were finally starting to fall into place.

The rest of the week went by at the same rate that Monday did. Nothing exciting happened, but it didn't stop Emma from smiling as she left the school on Friday.

Monday night had her, Killian, and Henry eating homemade pizza and talking about Henry's upcoming field trip to Financial Park – an "amusement" park that was designed to teach middle school children how to budget and run an economy. David had found the place a few years earlier and ever since had taken the kids each year. Henry was claiming it was a stupid field trip. Who wanted to go to an educational amusement park? No one, that's who – at least according to Henry. Emma knew though that the experience would be good for him.

Emma was shocked, though, when a question came from Henry's mouth.

"Would you go with us Killian?" he asked before stuffing his mouth with a slice of pizza.

Emma was sure if anyone looked over at her during the question, they would have seen someone who had just been slapped in the face. Henry had never asked her to go on a field trip before, and now he was asking Killian.

"You mean like a chaperone?" Killian questioned.

"Yeah," he said. "Mr. Nolan was saying that there weren't enough teachers to go and he needed chaperones. I thought about you right away."

Killian's smile was too big to contain. Emma's matched when she saw the joy in his eyes.

"Well then, of course I'll go with you, lad," Killian answered after he took a few deep breaths – which Emma was pretty sure he took to calm himself from the excitement.

She didn't have to tell Killian just how big of a deal it was that Henry asked Killian to go with him. She didn't have to tell Killian how it was hard for Henry to form relationships with people – especially adults. She didn't have to tell him that Henry's time in the system had changed how he looked at people. Killian already knew.

"Even though you won't be living here?" Henry had to ask him the question that Emma was scared to ask herself.

What if their situation didn't work out? What if, after a month of living together, they decided that they weren't meant to be and he moved out? Emma didn't want to think about that. She wanted to keep thinking that in a month she would be getting married, and getting one step closer to adopting Henry. And seeing the way that Henry was looking at Killian, she really hoped that it would happen.

"Aye, even if I am not living here," he replied, giving them both the reassurance they needed.

Even if things didn't work out between them; she wanted Henry to not be affected. It was one of the main reasons she rarely dated. She didn't want him becoming attached to anyone that might not be around in a couple of weeks. But Killian was her friend, her oldest friend – and deep inside, she knew that even if they didn't work out romantically, he would always be her friend.

Tuesday began the same way Monday did – with Emma waking up wrapped in Killian's arms. Again, she had to fight the need to ask him to ravish her. He did kiss her passionately before he let her get out of bed to get ready. The way his lips moved against hers had her almost begging. Yet, she enjoyed just kissing him. It was like she was back in high school - making out with a boy on her bed, not wanting to go any further in case they got caught.

Before she knew it, it was Friday and there was a message from Killian.

Every day since Monday, he had left her a cute little note with her lunch. She kept each one – one inside of her planner that told her he couldn't get her kisses out of his head. Another she kept in her purse. Another she pasted up in her cabinet at school, next to the mirror where she hung up her coat; it told her how beautiful she was and how she was captivating. He was seriously spoiling her with the compliments, but she wasn't going to complain.

She had never had someone talk to her the way Killian did. Not only did he leave these little notes, but he told her every chance he got – when she was washing the dishes after dinner, as she folded the laundry, as she walked outside to collect the trashcans. Each time, she blushed.

The text she had received during lunch told her to not make plans for the next evening. He had planned a romantic evening.

She was clutching her phone, a huge smile plastered on her face when Henry walked in her classroom.

"Hey Mom," he sang.

She didn't notice him at first, causing him to ask again.

"Oh, hey, kid," she responded.

"What is it? Why are you smiling like that?" Henry asked.

"I'm not smiling like anything," she said, quickly trying to correct her face. "So, what are your plans for the weekend?"

"Why, you got a hot date with Killian?" his question came out and surprised Emma. He was unashamed of asking; in fact there was a laughter to his voice.

Emma wasn't able to respond. Did Henry really just figure out what was going on with the adults in his house, or was he just kidding around?

"You two aren't very sneaky, you know." His confession was all Emma needed to start hyperventilating; worried about what her son may think. This was exactly what she was concerned about.

He was right though. All those notes he left her, all the little compliments that were given in whispers weren't really stealthy. Emma didn't realize it at the time, but Henry was usually in the room when Killian would say something. Hell, he probably saw all the notes Killian left her. Shit, she thought, especially thinking about the note that talked about her kisses. That wasn't something she ever wanted Henry to read. It was like how she never wanted to know about her parents and their sex life. Sure, as she got older, she realized her parents had to have sex – how else would they have been "trying" to have kids – but she never wanted to know about it. She didn't even like watching them kiss. So, if she was in Henry's shoes, and read a note from her dad to her mom about them kissing, she probably would have thrown up. So how was he being so nonchalant about it?

"Henry…" she tried to start explaining the situation but no words came out. She just stared at her son, noting his smile and the brightness in his hazel eyes.

"It's OK, Mom," he said, reaching out to place his hands on hers.

"I'm sorry I didn't tell you," she began. "I just didn't know how to tell you. It's always been me and you. I didn't want anything to change us."

"Like I said, it's OK," he smiled.

"You mean you're OK with Killian and I dating, and him living with us?" How was it that she had a kid like him?

"I kinda figured that he was more than just a friend when I met him. He couldn't stop looking at you. He makes you happy; that's all I care about." With his words, the bell rang, signaling the start of the next class period.

"Thanks, kid," Emma replied.

"And I'll ask Avery if I can stay the weekend again," he said with a wink as he walked to his seat.

She was hoping that tonight would be the night. The night where they finally found out if they were truly compatible. If the sparks that ignited around each other could cause a fire or would be quickly extinguished. Especially after the previous night's activities.

On Thursday, Emma finally had to take things into her own hands, quite literally. She was frustrated. The sexual tension between them had come to the highest it had been. She had been washing the dishes after another delicious meal that Killian had made. Henry had said something about needing finish a book report and retreated to his room. That left Killian sitting at the table staring at her. She knew he was staring, too. He wasn't trying to hide that. His eyes roamed over her body.

Maybe she had worn the dress on purpose.

She rarely wore dresses to school – they limited her mobility and she needed mobility in the science lab. But, she had a parent teacher conference that afternoon with a rather unruly child; so she picked out a dress. This dress was made for her.

It was a black and grey and fit tight against her body. The cap sleeves accented her strong arms. The fake a lapels of the grey top looked as if they could be on a man's suit; which made Emma feel powerful. There was a straight cut against her chest, which showed off just a slight amount of cleavage. The black skirt hit high on her waist, and showed off the small amount of curves she had.

Killian had been caught staring at her ass in the dress multiple times since she arrived home. Because of the tight fit of the dress; her ass looked even better than it normally did.

Emma was blessed with good genes. She really didn't have to work out to get the trimmed body she sported. That didn't mean she didn't exercise – she just didn't have to work really hard at it. She went every other day after school, using the middle schools weight room that they shared with the high school. She spent thirty minutes using weights and another thirty minutes running on the elliptical.

This week though, with Killian being here, and Emma not wanting to miss a minute of his company, she skipped the gym.

When she arrived home late, thanks to the irate parent who refused to hear that her precious son was misbehaving in all of his classes, she was met with a wonderful aroma. Killian had made homemade Chinese food. She didn't want to wait any longer to eat, so instead of changing, she took a seat with the two guys sitting at the dining table and dove in.

She had watched as Killian took in her figure as she came to the dining table. Every time she got up to get something, she caught him staring.

As she washed the dishes that were left over, she thought he might do something. His eyes were burning into her, so she was pretty sure his touch would sizzle if he made contact.

She felt him move towards her; the hairs on her arms were standing at attention as he inched closer to her. Her hair framed her face, so she wasn't sure what he was doing behind her exactly. But, she could still feel his eyes on her.

Suddenly she felt a large hand wrap around her stomach, pulling her back from the sink and the dirty dishes that laid waiting. His lips were instantly on her neck, pressing small kisses into her skin. She shivered from the contact, goosebumps rising.

"You look positively ravishing today, love," he whispered into her ear, making her lean her head back. It came to rest on his shoulder and his arms snaked farther around her waist.

"Hmmm," was all she was able to get out.

He twirled her around and kissed her. His hands came up from her waist to grasp her hair, pulling her head back to give him deeper access to her mouth. Her hands gripped his t-shirt, which he had changed into when he got home. She had only seen him in his uniform once since he moved in and it annoyed her a bit because he looked good in that uniform. Yet, the shirt he was wearing now was soft and Emma could feel his strength beneath it. She made a mental note to "borrow" that shirt.

His tongue danced with hers, his teeth nipped at her bottom lip, his hips pushed against hers. Her mind was starting to go blank.

His hands moved from her hair to her waist again, this time picking her up as if she was a ragdoll and placing her on the counter.

Within seconds, he was back, devouring her. Her legs instinctively opened up to allow him to move closer. The shirt she was still grasping with her hand was seconds away from being a wrinkled mess on the floor. The skirt of her dress was riding up and the tops of her thighs were exposed. One of his hands traced a line from the top of her pantyhose that was held in pace with a garter belt to the hem of her dress.

His other hand was working its way back up her body, grasping at her breast. He pushed with his hand, sending shocks through Emma's system as she felt him touch her, just as he moved his hips, teasing her through her panties. She was about to suggest they go to their room when a call came out from the hallway.

"Mom, my computer's broken," Henry shouted before appearing in the doorway.

Emma jumped down from the counter and had pushed herself far enough away from Killian to hopefully shield Henry from the truth – if only she had known he already knew – and started toward her son.

"Aye, let's go take a look," Killian responded, turning to shoot Emma a wink as he disappeared from the room.

She huffed a bit, blowing a piece of hair that had fallen in her face from its spot. She was frustrated. She wanted Killian; wanted to know what it would feel like to be pinned underneath of him, wanted to feel his hot kisses trailing down her body. She wanted to shake from ecstasy as he had his way with her.

Emma Swan was horny.

She walked down to the bedroom; hoping that she would be able to meet Killian there and finish what they started. She changed in the darkness of the room, not wanting to turn on the lights and face reality. The darkness held the sensual mood that had once been in the kitchen. She decided tonight wasn't the night for her traditional sleep attire, but for a slutty little piece of lingerie that she had gotten on her last trip into the city. It was something she did whenever she went into Boston with the girls. She would go to this little boutique and buy a pair of sexy panties and a bra. She didn't have anyone to show them off to; but she loved the way she looked in them and the confidence they gave her. So far, she had over 20 outfits in her dresser drawer that she was waiting to try on for a special someone; and she thought she had finally found the person who deserved to see her in them.

She had worn one little outfit to school today, underneath her black and grey dress. She didn't think Killian would get to see her in the dress, since most of the time when she got home from school, she changed quickly while Killian waited in the living room to hear about her day; but she was feeling sexy and decided it would be fun. Plus, maybe he would get to see if it tempted him into joining her in the bedroom. It was why she had worn the dress in the first place. She had hoped that Killian would be distracted enough by the dress to follow her into the bedroom and watch her change, seeing the surprise she had on underneath the dress for him. There was no way he would say no to Emma looking the way she did.

Too bad that stupid conference threw her plan for a spin.

Instead, she had to work with what she was dealt.

Now she just had to plan out how Killian was going to find her. Would she be lying on the bed with her stockings still on? Would she be waiting under the covers so that he would find her out as he slid in behind her? Would she wait in the bathroom and then walk out as he came into the room, showing off the outfit as a whole?

All of the ideas were good ones, but she wasn't quite sure which one Killian wouldn't be able to refuse.

She had decided to wait in the bathroom. In there, she was able to sit down and pump herself up.

It felt like forever before Emma took a glance at the phone she had brought into the room with her. It had been almost thirty minutes since she came into the bathroom, which meant it had been at least forty since Killian went down stairs with Henry. That was forty minutes without his hands on her body and it annoyed her.

The longer she waited, the more frustrated she got. What was taking him so long? She was pretty sure that all Henry's computer needed was a restart. It should have taken him a few minutes to turn off the computer and reboot the thing. It was a newer computer that Emma got Henry when she first fostered him.

The feelings from earlier were starting to dwindle, the passion and excitement diminishing. She was sitting in a lighted bathroom, in sexy lingerie, waiting for Killian, and he was taking forever. The tightness in her belly was only getting heavier. The wetness between her legs was still there, but she wished Killian was there with her to see how turned on she was just thinking about the things they would do together.

Emma's hands acted as if they had a mind of their own. They began to raise to feel her own breasts, but Emma imagined it was Killian. One hand dropped and began the same path that Killian's hand did earlier that evening. Her fingers dusted across her panties, sending sparks through her system, her hips bucking instinctually. She continued to move her fingers, as her hand grasped her breast through her lace bra. The lace rubbing against her nipple caused it to peak. She was thinking about everything she wanted Killian to do to her.

She thought about him taking her right there in the bathroom if he happened to walk in on her touching herself. She thought about them together in the shower, suds running down their bodies as he pounded into her from behind, her hands splayed against the shower door. She pictured them in her large tub, his head thrown back as she rode him. She saw them on her bed, with his head in between her legs, sucking and licking her until she begged him to stop, until she couldn't take it anymore. She wanted him to push her to her limits, to really take her in a way she needed to be taken. She wanted him to whisper dirty secrets in her ear as she leaned on all fours, his cock slowly dragging in and out.

She pressed her lips together tightly, in order to muffle the sound of her orgasm as she came , her hand leaving her breast and grasping at the sink for help.

It had been ages since she had an orgasm like that. Sure, she masturbated occasionally, she did have needs; but she never came so hard, especially not without a toy or a man.

The orgasm that she had was well welcomed, and relieved Emma a bit. She wondered where Killian was.

She peaked out the door to see Killian lying in bed, fast asleep.

Fuck, she thought to herself, he's been here the whole time.

Her feet didn't make any noise as she walked over to where he lay. His shirt from earlier was balled up on the floor. Emma picked it up and put it on. The soft feel of the cotton made her smile. The scent of him wafted over her. How long had he been in bed?

She wanted to wake him, wanted to finish what they had started in the kitchen, but he looked so peaceful. His lips were parted slightly and a small smile was there.

So, instead of waking him, she just crawled into bed with him, his shirt and her lingerie still on. Who knew, maybe there would be time in the morning.

As she wiggled herself into a comfortable position, she heard Killian move. Turning to him, she saw that he was still asleep, but his body must have sensed her presence, because he was now facing her, his body on it's side, arms moved to welcome her into his chest. Emma scooted over to place herself between his arms.

Sleep was beginning to take over as she heard Killian whisper something. It was mumbled as he was still dreaming, but she could have sworn he said I love you.

She arrived home, noting Killian's car sitting in the driveway. It looked good sitting in the spot, right in front of Emma's house. His Jeep wrangler was a deep blue color and it didn't have it's top on. Emma had never ridden in a car without a top, and she hoped they would take his car out that night. The night was already setting in. The sun hung low in the sky, casting gorgeous colors across the clouds. The breeze was slow, but brought in some cooler air from the sea. It was early October and they had been lucky that the weather was still nice. Emma could remember one year where it actually snowed for Halloween.

Entering her house, she heard music coming through the speakers that were sitting in her living room. She had never pegged Killian for a country type of guy, yet Luke Bryan crooned through the speakers. The song felt right for the night that was starting.

"Killian?" she yelled, dropping her bag in the entryway and kicking off her shoes.

She heard him respond from the bedroom and headed that way to find him. When she entered, he was sitting on the bed, pulling on his boots.

"Hey," she said.

"You ready for tonight?" he asked, a smirk appearing on his face. He was up to something. Emma just knew it.

She just smiled at him from the doorway.

He stood up and she took him in. His hair was getting too long and she knew he would need it cut soon, but she liked it. His blue eyes sparkled, the lining of charcoal around his lids made them pop even more than they normally did. His clothes were casual, the green of the shirt stretched nicely across his chest. A bit of chest hair poked out the top.

His boots made a light sound as he came to stand in front of her. She couldn't meet him in the eyes, knowing that if she did, a huge grin would appear on her face, giving away her happiness, a happiness she wasn't willing to admit yet.

"Well?" he said, pulling her chin up, making her look at him.

"Yeah, I'm ready. Do I need to change?" she questioned, looking back down at what she was wearing. She had been wearing her favorite pair of jeans and a green top that matched his. She wondered if he had picked out the shirt based on what he saw her picking out the night before.

"No, you look wonderful," he smirked. "And you don't need to change."

She wanted to crash against his lips at that moment, not wanting to leave the bedroom. She wanted to stay where they were, in their little bubble. She had already felt the attraction between them begin to ignite when she entered the room and she didn't want to lose it. The way she felt in the room was something she wanted to grow. The bubbling in her lower stomach grew as each second passed.

Killian, though, was on a mission. He grabbed her hand and led her down to his Jeep. The only stop they made was to grab her purse from the entryway, picking up two hats and sunglasses as well.

Emma was giddy with excitement as she climbed up into the Jeep and buckled her seatbelt. Her cap was secured on her head, her makeshift ponytail popping out of the back.

"So, where are you taking me tonight?" she asked as Killian climbed into the driver's seat and started the ignition.

"It's a surprise, Swan, but trust me, you'll love it," he smiled as he put the car and gear and backed out of the driveway.

The drive to Killian's mysterious date was a thrill ride. Emma wanted to throw her hands up and feel the breeze on her fingers. She wanted to pull herself up and bask in the diminishing sunlight that was coming through the trees. Her hair whipped around her head even though the hat was keeping most of it in place. The smell of the asphalt and engine was something she had never experienced before and Emma didn't think it would smell as wonderful as it did. If Emma had to put a scent to a mood, what she was smelling was adventure and new beginnings.

Storybrooke was a pretty small town; going anywhere will take less than twenty minutes. So as they hit the forty minute mark on being in the car, Emma's excitement over the date grew. Not that she wouldn't enjoy a nice night in their town, she just wanted more.

After an hour of driving, they pulled into the parking lot of one of Emma's favorite places – Dave and Buster's. She loved playing games there, plus the food was decent and the drinks strong and cheap. The atmosphere was what she went for, though. It was rare that she got to go there, since it was an hour away and she always spent too much money there. But, at least once every two months, she packed Henry into her car and they spent the night playing games and binge eating appetizers. Henry always stuck to the driving and shooting games, while Emma liked the coin dozers and trivia games. At the end of the night, they would pool their tickets and get a prize for the house. In fact, there was a little stuffed penguin in the guest room that they won the last time they went there.

Emma's smiled grew as she walked towards the restaurant.

"I'm guessing I picked a good place?" Killian questioned, reaching out to pull her hand into his, holding it tight as they walked inside.

"Yes! Henry is going to be so jealous he missed this," she exclaimed. However, she had to ask, "But why did you choose this? I thought you were planning a romantic evening? You know, a fancy restaurant, walks along the beach, candlelight."

Killian laughed a deep chuckle. His head tilted back a bit as he tried to contain himself.

"Swan, romance comes in many forms. It's not all candlelight and moonlit walks in cold water. Sometimes, it's simply knowing the person you are with and doing something with them that they would enjoy. I know you, Swan - you don't want walks along the beach or a stuffy dinner at some restaurant that is overpriced. You want fun, excitement, and the thrill of a game," he said, pulling her towards him, his arms wrapping around her waist.

She had to admit, he was right. Emma didn't enjoy the traditional romantic shit that most girls like. She found it all too clichéd. Romance didn't equal love. It didn't mean that the person knew you. Emma would have hated a fancy dinner, at a restaurant where she would get hardly enough food for an outrageous price. She loved chains and loved the fun that some of these restaurants had. She wanted something different, and Killian was giving it to her. He must have remembered how she hated the beach as a kid. Sand sucked. It got everywhere and Emma hated the way it made her skin feel. She hated that she would find sand in placesc for months after a trip to the beach. She preferred the pool over the ocean, too – in a pool, she could see everything, whereas in the ocean, she never knew what was swimming around her feet.

While she was in her mind, he placed a kiss on her lips. It was a quick kiss, similar to all the other ones he had placed on her as she was leaving for the day or they were laying down to go to bed, but this one held a small promise. A promise saying there was more to come, that there would be some traditional romance if she was only patient enough to let it happen.

"So, what do you say love, you ready to play some games?" He wiggled his eyebrows with his question.

"Bring it on, Jones," she winked and pulled him into the restaurant.

They played for hours, snacking and drinking every so often. Emma enjoyed Killian's company, and the ease at which they talked and flirted.

"So, other than the douche you dated in high school, who else struck your fancy, love?" he questioned as they took a break from the games, sitting down on the high chairs they had claimed a few hours earlier.

"No one else really. Neal was my first, and only real, boyfriend," she confessed, heat rising to her cheeks. She was embarrassed by the fact that she hadn't experienced what most got to.

"Really?" he asked, a disbelieving tone laced his words.

"Yeah. It wasn't for lack of trying either," she explained. "After Neal, I took some time to myself. I had spent a good portion of my teen years dating the same person, so I wanted to just have time to myself. Mary Margaret tried to get me to date during our later years at college, but no one really made my heart stop, ya know?"

Killian just nodded his head. There was something he wasn't telling her.

"I'm not a virgin though," she blurted out, the redness showing in her cheeks.

She was pretty sure it was one of the most embarrassing moments of her life; divulging her sexual history to a man she was pretty sure she would marry in such a brazen way, but she had to let him know. Maybe it was the look he gave her when she told him there hadn't been anyone of importance in her life. All she knew was that she couldn't go on another minute without him knowing that.

He just raised his eyebrow in response. There was no noise coming from him. He just took a sip of his water and ate a buffalo wing.

"I mean, I lost my virginity to Neal a few weeks before I found him cheating on me. In college, I had a few drunken one night stands, but none of them meant anything," she explained, rambling on, hoping Killian would interject.

"It's hard to believe they didn't want anything more," he finally said.

"They did, I didn't," she began. "August was the first guy I was with after Neal. Mary Margaret tried to get us to date; she was obsessed with August. He wanted to be a writer and she thought that was romantic. We hung out some; he didn't want a traditional relationship, and I didn't want any kind of one, so we went our separate ways. Jefferson was the other. That's a story for another night, but after the craziness of that, I decided to just stop trying."

After Neal, she didn't want anything serious. She didn't want to put herself through that all over again. The pain and betrayal she felt, combined with the suppressed feelings she still had about being adopted, made it hard for her to really trust anyone not to leave and abandon her.

"I'm not either," he said, looking up from his wings. "A virgin that is," he added as Emma's curious look crossed her face.

"Oh?" she asked, a pang shooting through her chest.

She shouldn't have been upset. They both had separate lives before he moved back home. Of course it wouldn't be weird for both of them to be sexually active. Yet, she was a bit sad that someone else knew Killian in a way she so desperately wanted to know him. She had to wonder if he felt the same when she confessed her status to him?

"Yeah," he started, "her name was Sophie. We weren't dating or anything. Well, at least we weren't serious. Or, I wasn't. She had had a crush on me for years. All of my friends were dating and losing their virginity, so I thought, hell, why not?"

Emma leaned forward, her elbows coming to rest on the high table they had chosen. Her hand reached forward and picked up a French fry, and popped it in her mouth. She mimicked Killian's facial expression and raised an eyebrow, silently asking him to continue.

"I felt like shit about it afterwards; still do. The whole experience was just crap. Of course it was, we were young and had no fucking clue what we were doing, no pun intended. It was awkward and just plain bad. And afterwards I acted like nothing had happened, and ended everything with her," his eyes held sorrow with the confession.

"Ouch," Emma responded.

"Aye, I was an ass about it. Thankfully, Sophie was a lady. She never spread rumors or anything. She did confront me at graduation though, asked why I had been such a jackass to her. I apologized, blamed it on being a teenage boy. She went on to marry a local boy, has three kids now," he said as a way of wrapping up his story. There was something more he wasn't telling her, but she wasn't going to press it.

"She wasn't the last though, was she?" Emma asked, not really sure if she wanted to know the answer.

She was pretty sure Killian had other conquests. Someone that looked the way he did probably had women throwing themselves at him left and right. Plus, the way he acted after Emma would mention something, told her there was someone important in his history that he hadn't mentioned. Emma could also tell things with that person didn't end well, and not because of him.

It hurt her heart to admit that to herself, but she knew Killian had been in love before. He had been able to experience something she had never really felt. Jealousy filtered through her veins. The woman who once held his fancy, his heart, whom had his love, turned Emma into a green-eyed monster. She knew it wasn't right to think it though. They hadn't been in contact for years, she couldn't hold it against either of them. But she knew, if she had had that chance, no one would have gotten to know Killian in the way she so desperately wanted to know him.

"No, she wasn't," he said, reaching up to scratch his ear.

Emma wanted to pull his hand away. To hold it close. To take the hesitation away. She wanted him to feel he could tell her anything. She was; or at least she was getting there. But, at least she knew he would never hold anything against her, that he would forgive her for anything she had done. At least, she hoped so.

"You don't have to tell me," she said, reaching across the table, ignoring the food placed between them.

"Thanks, it's just hard," he began, reaching out to grasp her hand, "I've never talked to anyone about Milah before; well, anyone other than Liam."

He chuckled when he mentioned his brother's name.

"I get it," she said, rubbing circles against his skin.

"Milah was the first girl I thought I loved, she was the first person to get me, and really get me. Liam hated our relationship; and looking back on it now, I get why."

Emma listened intently as he began to weave his tale of Milah.

She was surprised to hear about their age difference, her mouth popped open at the confession. It was hard to picture him with her. It didn't matter that he described their relationship in great detail, his eyes shimmering as he reminisced on their time together. It didn't matter that she could hear his feelings for the woman. Emma just couldn't picture it.

It was hard to picture a young Killian falling for someone old. Even though he described her as young, with deep brown hair and bright eyes; all Emma could see was an aging woman who was desperate to feel young again. She saw wrinkles and the passage of time. She saw someone who took advantage of young boy, one who was still processing his mother's death, his father's departure and the loss of a life he so desperately wanted to live. She saw a seductress, she saw red.

She tried to listen as he continued to weave their story. She heard him discuss how they hid their relationship for years, trying to hide from the judgement that they were sure they would face. She heard him talk about the college years; how Milah wanted to party and the lack of support he received from her.

She tried to keep her mouth shut. She didn't want to rag on his previous relationship - it was over and done with, and she was his future. But it pained her to hear how horribly he was treated, how there was no real support. It angered her that she hadn't been there to stop the whole rotten thing.

"You're awfully quiet over there, Swan." His voice pulled her from her thoughts.

"I'm just taking it all in," she explained, trying to keep any hint of judgement from her voice. It wasn't Killian's fault he fell for Milah. You can't help who you fall in love with. But Emma couldn't believe that Killian had let that woman take advantage of him for so long.

"Looking back on the relationship, I can see all these red flags, but in the moment, I was only focused on what she was giving me," he added.

"Well, it's all in the past now. All of it is; we learned from our past and now we can move forward," she suggested.

"Aye, that we can," he said, his eyes meeting hers.

There was something different in them now. It was if everything that had been holding him back from being with her was now non-existent. The way he looked at her was deeper somehow. Even though she hadn't said much, just letting him tell his story; it was as if just the act of listening to him cured him of some ailment.

"Let's go home," he suggested, but didn't wait to hear her response. There was a hunger to his voice, an impatience. Maybe he was starting to feel what she had been feeling.

His hand was already grasping hers, pulling her towards the door.

The drive back to their place, Emma smiled as she thought about her calling it their place; was silent. The tension between them was electric. His hand rested tightly on her thigh, sending shocks through her system every few seconds when he would loosen his grip, rubbing his fingers along her jeans.

Emma was thankful Killian had stopped drinking earlier in the night. If he hadn't, she was sure she wouldn't be able to last a Lyft ride back to her house without her lips on his skin or feeling his hands run against her back. She would have made out with him in the back of that imaginary Lyft; probably scaring the driver and getting her a one star rating.

Killian had settled up their tab right before she blurted out that she wasn't a virgin. So, they were able to make it to the car without stopping. Killian's hand still grasping hers, while he held a bag with prizes in the other. Another thing he had thought of. While Emma's brain was drunk on the presence of Killian, and the vodka she had been sipping on, he had been planning the evening out.

Whether he had been planning to pull her from the restaurant after the confession of Milah, or not, wasn't something Emma wanted to focus on. Instead, she wanted to think about what was waiting for her when they got home. If the heat that was radiating off his hand was any indication, she would finally see if what she had been feeling all along was true; and she couldn't wait.

Killian's POV

Telling Emma the broad story of him and Milah had been cathartic. It was like all the shit he had been holding inside, all the toxic thoughts from his past relationship, had been cleansed. He was a new man. All from simply telling his best friend about her.

He didn't tell her some of the more horrible details. Not that he was scared to tell her; he could just tell she didn't need to hear it. He watched her face as he recounted the relationship with Milah. With each passing moment, with each new confession, he saw every emotion she was feeling. Most of the time, Emma was a statue, hiding her true feelings; but she couldn't hide them from him, not any more. He had seen the passion and once that had been shown, he quickly began to see everything else.

Emma couldn't hide the disgust in her face when Killian mentioned their age difference. She tried to keep her face stoic; trying to hide her real feelings, but she failed. He had seen that look a million times when friends had found out about their age difference or when he and Milah would walk down the street hand in hand. Most of the time, the faces didn't bother him; but seeing the look on Emma's did. It was something that had always worried him, as evidenced in the letters he wrote to her. He was worried of the judgement from Emma; worried about what she would say. Yet, even though he saw the disgust and worry on her face, he knew it wasn't directed at him.

When her eyes met his during his story, they told him that all she cared about was his well being. All she cared about was him. He knew that if they didn't have any unanswered feelings between them, and they had been friends all along, that Emma would have been supportive of him and his relationship - once he had been a bit older and if Milah's behaviors had changed.

Once he finished and he heard Emma state that it was all in the past, he knew they were both ready to really try this relationship out.

He had been waiting patiently. It took every ounce of his will to do it, but he made sure there was no rush to what they were about to do. He wanted them both to be ready for it because he knew deep down that once he had Emma Swan, once he felt her beneath him, once he had her, he could never let her go. He knew what his feelings meant. And after watching her listen to him, after seeing the emotions cross her face as he described the love he once had for Milah, he knew her feelings matched his.

There was nothing but their breathing as they drove back to the home he now considered his. Her breath spreading up with anticipation as they walked from the Jeep into the darkness. Outside, they had the stars and moon to light their way. He was able to steal glances, just to see how the moon reflected off her features as she watched the road. But now that they were inside the house; the darkness engulfed them.

Killian could swear there was an audible crackle of static as they stood in the entrance way; both a bit unsure of what was going to happen.

Ideas floated around his brain the whole way home; from not bothering with ceremony and taking her right in the hallway to making the entire ordeal last all night, only giving into their urges as the sun rose the next morning.

Neither one of them initiated what happened; not really. Or, they both started it. Their bodies crashed against each other as they came together at the exact same moment. Everything had been leading to this - to this exact moment. All the shit that had happened in their lives were leading them to this.

His arms wrapped around her waist, pulling her to him as her hands fisted his shirt, helping the movement. He heard her pant quickly before his lips met hers. They kissed as if they had never kissed before, saying everything they hadn't been brave enough to say aloud. It was strong and forceful, demanding. It was like an eruption that had been building up for thousands of years.

The tension was finally cut and there was no going back. In a million years, Killian knew no one would ever compare to Emma. Not only did she make him feel alive again, she understood him, down to the smallest atom in his body. They were made for each other, and the moan that escaped her mouth as he kissed her told him as so.

Without breaking the kiss that was still happening, his arms snaked down around her ass and lifted her off her feet. He felt her fingernails scrape against his scalp before she hooked her fingers around his neck. He walked them towards the bedroom, deciding he wanted her in their bed for the first time. They had the rest of their lives to christen the house.

Their clothes still clung to their bodies as they made their way into the room. A soft light shone through the windows that framed the bed, casting a soft glow on everything it touched. He was stunned at first, standing in the center of the room, trying to make up his mind on what to do next.

With Milah, there was never any chance to take pause. She dominated him in the bedroom, telling him exactly what she wanted, when and how. With Emma, things were different. He could already tell they were equals. Yet he also knew she would let him take control. So he had to decide-would he undress her here or on the bed? Decisions, decisions, he thought to himself.

He wanted to see all of her, so it was the bed he decided. He walked her over, lips still pressed together, tongues still in their dance. He gave her ass a squeeze, making her pull up and away from him with a delicious moan. Without ceremony, he tossed her on the bed, causing her hair to fan out around her. Her hands went to her shirt as she giggled, pulling it up over her head. He didn't need to tell her what he wanted, and she didn't need to speak. Their bodies already knew what to do.

The shirt he was wearing stayed on, since it would have hindered his view of Emma. He would have missed her shimmying out of her pants, her tight body coming to rest on the bed. The sight before him had him sucking in a breath, a hiss escaping his teeth. She was breathtaking. Her pale skin was set off against the deep blue of the bra and thong she was wearing, the lace that surrounded the fabric looking delicate against her body. He was in heaven.

She eyed him, raising her eyebrows, in a motion that told him her patience with his clothed body was waning.

He quickly tore off his shirt and pants, standing before Emma in his boxer briefs, allowing her to fully take him in - his erection standing at attention, waiting to feel Emma around him. A smile crossed her face, and her eyes burned into him.

He was on her in an instant, her legs opening to allow him access to her. She sat up on her elbows to meet him and his lips begged for more. He moaned loudly as his erection came into contact with the apex of her thighs, feeling the heat radiating off her skin. His hands roamed her body, mapping every inch of her.

One of his hands came to rest over her bra, fondling her though the fabric. She moaned into his mouth, urging him on. A heel of her foot pushed into his back, making him press into her harder. She needed him desperately and he wanted nothing more than to give himself freely to her.

His other hand snaked down her body, until he pulled him away from her for a moment, allowing his fingers to skirt over her panties.

"Shit, Emma," he said, when her felt just how wet she was for him. "You're soaked."

A small smirk crossed her face before a look of agony followed.

"Please," she begged.

The agony was of passion, and her need for him to take her. He had seen a sample of the look on her face before, when things almost got out of hand, but the desperation on her face now wasn't something he could ignore. He wanted to please her, to make her scream in pleasure.

His fingers played with the fabric of her panties, spreading the moisture around.

"Are you sure, love?" he questioned.

"Yes!" she screamed as his fingers danced over her nub through the fabric.

The panties that were soaked with her juices were quickly removed, his large hand taking their place. He moved from on top of her to her side, allowing him to not only watch her as he teased her into a frenzy, but also to watch what he was doing. He wanted to watch his fingers move through her folds, watch as her hair curled in between his fingers.

"Fuck, Killian," she moaned as his fingers picked up their pace. His other hand exposed her breast from their cups, the slightly cool air hardening her nipples. He didn't want to miss what was right in front of him, but he couldn't help but lean down and take one of her peaked nipples in his mouth. As he suckled and bit, he slid a finger into her slick hot core. She bucked at the contact, but the moan that was screamed told him to keep going.

His eyes flicked up to see Emma's head thrown back in ecstasy, a slight blush to her face and her bottom lip squished between her teeth.

Moving slowly, his finger moved in and out of her, sliding out of her to ghost her clit, then descending back inside. He could see her getting closer and closer to release. Her walls clenched each time he pulled out of her, begging his fingers to stay inside. He wanted to keep watching her, wanted to keep seeing the build up, but he also couldn't wait to see her fall apart and to feel her do it all over again wrapped around his cock.

Adding a thumb into the mix, he took her nipple in his mouth, biting the tiniest bit and rubbing a hard circle into her clit right as he hooked his finger inside of her, sending a shock straight to her system. It sent her over the edge.

She yelled out a curse, contorting her whole body. He didn't know where to look, as every part of her was intoxicating and flushed with pleasure thanks to him. Her toes curled, grasping at the sheets. Her hands knotted in her hair, her head flung to the side as her mouth was thrown open in ecstasy. Her chest heaved. She clenched down on his finger hard.

He didn't withdraw the digit. He did stop all motions, though, allowing her to come down from her high. After he came, he was always so sensitive, and was pretty sure Emma would be too. Not moving allowed her to calm down enough, just enough. It was like a roller coaster ride. At least that was how Liam explained it to him when he was younger, inexperienced and needing advice.

He explained how roller coasters had a build up, then some action, like a loop or drop, but there was always a pause where the ride slowed and sometimes came to a stop, allowing you to get your bearings again, before sending you through to an even bigger thrill.

It was something Milah always commented on. She said he was her only lover who ever allowed her a true break before getting to the good part.

Shaking off the thought of Milah, he watched Emma come down from her high. Her breathing slowed, but the flush to her skin stayed. She was still slick as Killian started to play with her again, silently asking if they could continue.

"That was amazing!" Emma's exclamation was soft, but held so much emotion. It had Killian wondering if Emma's past lovers ever really made her come or it she just faked it.

"That wasn't even the best of tonight, love," he almost giggled, trying to sound sexy, but failing just a bit in his joy of hearing her so happy about what they just did.

"I can't wait," she said, reaching her arms up, to drag him back down on top of her, her lips pressing against his.

For the next few minutes, he built her back up. His touches were light and teasing. He didn't stay long in any place, his hands giving her entire body the once over. He grinded against her as he felt her tight ass.

He couldn't hold out any longer, especially with her wiggling beneath him, her body begging him to bring her to the edge again. She was soaked again, her juices glistening against her thighs.

Seeing it as he positioned himself above her left him wanting to taste her—needing to.

He kissed his way down her body, goosebumps rising along her skin with each peck. He loved the feeling of them - mixed with the heat of her skin, it was exhilarating knowing he caused it.

As he reached her pelvic bone, his kisses got longer, his tongue darting out to lick her skin, nibbling a bit too at the tight skin over her hip bones.

He breathed her in before getting to what he really wanted. Once his tongue hit her clit and he felt her almost explode, he was hooked. Between her legs was now officially his favorite place to be; she tasted sweet and smelled delicious. Her moans kept him going, not wanting to stop licking and sucking. He added in a digit or two for a short time to bring her right to the edge, before pulling them away.

The teasing was his favorite part—well, second favorite after seeing her come undone. He loved the little squeals of begging when he pulled away, her pleas. He loved the way her body responded to his and he didn't want it to end. He wanted her to drown in the pleasure he could give her. He wanted her to need it the same way she needed air to breathe.

"Please Killian, please let me come," She was hoarse as she begged, the whimpers surrounding the please were not only sexy but cute at the same time. She was completely at his mercy, and he knew he had her right where he wanted.

He gave into her pleading and didn't pull back the next time his fingers entered her and his tongue played against her clit. He even nipped at the nub a little, just as his two fingers curled inside of her, sending her over the edge for a second time. Her screams were even louder, with more pleasure mixed in. A huge smile crossed his face as he licked her down from her high, stopping as soon as her body stopped its release.

Before he had a chance to move atop of her; she was on him, using the surprise to move him against the mattress, tugging him up and flipping him, pinning him beneath her.

"I need you, Killian, been needing you," she mewed.

"Take what you need then, Emma; take it all," he said, almost as a beg. Now that she was on top of him, her thighs gripping his, her soaking wet core pinned against his strained erection, he needed her the way she needed him.

While he enjoyed licking her, tasting her, he wanted that tight quim around him.

They hadn't talked about protection, so he was surprised when she leaned over and reached for her nightstand. She pulled out a long trail of condoms.

The smile that crossed his face was bright. He loved that she was prepared, since it was the one thing he really didn't think about. It wasn't that he didn't care about it; but he felt it was jinxing it.

"I don't want to ruin the mood, but I'm clean. I'm also on birth control, have been for decades. So…" she trailed off, a bit shy. His smile grew. She was cute. They had just done some pretty dirty things and here she was, shy about protection.

"Emma, I will have you whichever way you feel comfortable. I'm clean as well, I actually have my last test in my drawer. The Navy requires a test each year," he explained.

She tossed the condoms to the side.

"I don't think we need these," she said sheepishly.

"If that is OK with you. It may not seem that way, but you are in charge, love," he reached up and cupped her cheeks, pulling her down to kiss him.

"Take me, Killian; make me yours," she said, deepening the kiss.

Killian had never been with someone without a condom, and he was pretty sure Emma hadn't either. He really was going to make her his.

It was awkward, but he was able to get his boxers off without breaking the kiss from Emma. Finally there was no barriers between them. They could finally be together in every way.

"You sure, love?" he asked one last time, wanting to be one hundred percent sure.

"Yes, Killian," she said impatiently.

She hovered above him, taking him in her hand, giving him a squeeze. He finally understood what he had been doing to her the whole time. The teasing squeezes on his cock were driving him insane. He fit perfectly in her palm, and even though he knew what was coming, he didn't want her to let go.

He watched as the glorious form that was Emma situated herself above him, his cock lining up directly with her opening. She slowly sank down onto him.

Her head was thrown back as she got used to his invasion. He closed his eyes, allowing the pleasure of her walls against him to wash over him. She felt perfect, amazing, heavenly. She was tight, fitting him like a glove. She took him in deep, pausing when she hit the base of his cock.

"Emma, you feel so good," he said, sitting them up so he could take her in a bit deeper. The moan that escaped her told him she liked the way he felt.

She didn't move at first, adjusting to him.

"You're so deep," she whispered, her head leaning against his neck, as his lips suckled at her neck.

"Move for me Emma," he said between nips.

He laid back down, his hands coming to rest on her perfect hips, ready if she needed help moving. The way her silhouette shone against the night backdrop accented each and every curve she had. Her breasts were heavy and hung beautifully against her. Her hips jutted out, giving her ass an even fuller look. Her arms were toned and firm as she reached up to hold onto her hair, that looked silver in the moonlight.

Slowly she raised above him, using her perfect legs to guide her. The movement of her thighs against his as she lowered herself back onto him was purely amazing. As she got used to his length inside of her, she moved faster, bringing a hand down to rest against his chest, using it as leverage. Her nails dug into him, as they interlaced with his chest hair.

Her rhythm was picking up, her breasts bouncing with her movements. He was in awe of her. One hand left her hips and came up to grasp one of them, pinching her nipple and causing her to moan his name loudly again.

"Fuck, Killian, it feels so good," she cried out.

"Ride me, Emma, keeping going," he groaned.

His hand on her hip gave her a squeeze, making her speed up.

Emma took the lead, pulling Killian's hand from her hip, placing it on her clit.

"Play with me Killian, make me come again," she purred.

"As you wish," he growled, rubbing his thumb against her clit.

He wanted to kiss her, to bruise those perfect lips even more, but he couldn't pass up another opportunity to see her fall apart, especially since the view was so different and fascinating.

"Fuck!" she stuttered as her walls clenched around him for the third time. He would never get tired of the feeling.

She fell apart around him, her rhythm being thrown off by her orgasm. He tried to keep up the pace, pounding into her as she rode through the high, but he was going to come undone inside of her; especially with small squeezes she was giving.

He came quickly, just as Emma was coming down from her high.

"Emma," he cried out, as he jerked up, his hand leaving her clit alone, his hands going back to her hip so he wouldn't fall away into a void that he was sure now surrounded him.

He collapsed back into the bed, pulling Emma onto him. Curling them onto their sides, he nuzzled into her, their naked bodies still entwined. There were beads of sweat around her neckline that he licked off of her, stroking her stomach.

She purred against him, sinking into him.

As they laid there, basking in the pleasure of their activities, Killian knew he would never want anything as much as staying in this moment. He was content and happy and from the sounds Emma was making, she didn't want anything different either.

They drifted off to sleep like that, curled against each other, in pure bliss.

#CSBB #Captain Swan Big Bang #Captain Swan #Captain Swan Fan Fiction

[the-walking-memelords]

Allegiances: Chapter 5

Prologue | Chapter 1 | Chapter 2 | Chapter 3 | Chapter 4 | Chapter 6

Series is rated M

Word Count: 2600

Cracks have been slowly forming since the beginning, but when does the weight become too much?

Read it on Ao3!

Read it on Wattpad!

Three days had passed since the group voted for Marlon to stay with the group. Louis eventually managed to convince Marlon to leave his room, though it was rare for him to speak to anyone else other than his best friend. Shame seemed to be eating Marlon alive, choosing to complete whatever tasks he’d been given without help from anyone else. Marlon wouldn’t so much as make eye contact with Clementine or Brody. At least Rosie treated him as if nothing had changed.

Tension still ran between the group’s members but some of the cracks had begun to close over time. Another day of damaged relations came to a close as the sun set over the forest. The final rays of sun shining through the orange leaves left a warm golden glow over the school.

Clementine was unable to feel the warmth, however, as the final breaths of day faded away to night, she prepared herself for the next step in her mission.

---

The halls of the dormitory grew still as its occupants drifted off to sleep. All but one, that is. Only the faint creaking of the floorboards could be heard in the otherwise silent night as Clementine snuck away from her temporary home. The harsh brick scraped her hands as she scaled the outer wall of the school, landing in the dirt on the other side with a thud.

The overcast why made it difficult for her to see. Clementine relied on her ears to signify any dangers nearby. Pulling her denim jacket tight against the chill of the wind, she trekked further through the forest towards the rendezvous point.

She had been dreading this night for a while. Being around people her own age was comforting. Clementine hated most adults. They seemed to rather solve problems with bullets rather than actual civilized solutions. She pushed her opinions out of her head.

Thinking too much will get him killed.

Her mind wandered instead to AJ. That sweet little boy was all she cared for in this shit world. She could be free if she so chose. Missions like these offered ample opportunities for escape, but how could she? Clem had promised so many people that she would keep him safe. So many of her friends, dead. All so she and that boy could live. It felt as though Alvin and Rebecca were with her. Watching her. Begging her to save him at every turn. Their screams only becoming louder in her dreams. Just thinking about their broken family caused her chest to hurt. Her heart raced, she steadied herself against a tree and tried to calm her breathing.

Why am I like this?

Her legs felt weak underneath her but she pressed on still. The trees began to clear as she made out the shape of the weather-worn roof in the distance. The train station looked more like a junkyard. Decayed boxcars littered the area, the wind whistling through the rusted out holes. Hopping the fence, she stepped over the dead plants that used to make up a garden.

Someone must have been living here at some point.

This placed seemed to be as dead as the rest of the outside world.

She took one final deep breath, staring at the cracks in the old wooden door.

Don’t fuck this up, Clementine.

Two knocks.

Then one.

Then three.

The door swung open, the toothy grin of Abel visible in her peripheral vision as she stared blankly ahead.

“Right on time as always.” He greeted, stepping aside to let her enter. The smell of his hand-rolled cigarette filled the small room.

The inside of the small building was trashed, clearly unoccupied for some time and picked over again and again by any scavengers who’d come across it. Her foot crunched over the remains of a glass jar as she moved to stand at attention before the woman she dreaded seeing.

“Welcome back, soldier.” Lilly smirked, leaning back in one of the chairs. “How was your first week of school? I trust you learned a lot?”

“Yes, commander.” She said flatly. “It has been quite eventful these past few days.”

“I can tell.” Abel stood uncomfortably close behind her. He reached around, harshly flicking her bruise causing it to sting.

She tried not to flinch.

Clementine recapped the events that transpired surrounding Marlon and Brody and the revelation of what truly happened to the twins, a devilish smirk across Lilly’s face all the while.

“I told you that little bastard was a pansy, Lilly.” Abel laughed. “I’m surprised he didn’t run away or just off himself once they found out. That kid has coward written all over him.”

“They’re suspicious that our forces might be in the area.” Clementine warned.

“Not of me, but the robbery of the fishing shack has them a bit on edge. New management wants to significantly upgrade the defences just to be sure.” She mentally cursed out Abel for doing something so pointless. Everything was a lot more complicated now because of him.

“On what grounds?” Lilly asked, leaning forward.

“Pure anxiety, I believe. I disposed of the bible cigarette that had been left behind before they discovered it.”

A sloppy and careless mistake. If Brody had seen it…

“Are you saying I almost blew the operation?” Abel accused, his hand grabbed the back of her neck tightly.

“No, sir.” She spoke through gritted teeth.

He released his hand, but never backed away.

“Tell me some specifics about these kids. Basic rundown.” Lilly ordered. “I want to get to know your new friends.” The smile on her face was sickening

“There’s ten of them in total, eight of them are of a decent age to fight being between about sixteen and eighteen.” She began. “There are two kids about twelve or thirteen who would be better used as… leverage pieces.” She winced internally at the thought of Willy and Tennessee in the same boat as AJ.

Clementine continued to describe the members of the boarding school.

“Marlon is as you remember. Emotionally weak, quick temper, but a good shot.”

A coward who did the wrong thing for the right reason.

“Violet is their new leader. Typically uses melee weapons, but I’ve observed her being pretty accurate with a bow. She was Minerva’s girlfriend.”

A good friend who had her heart broken too many times.

“Brody is emotionally unstable. Her anxiety causes her to shut down, which has only become worse as of late.”

Brody and I really are alike, aren’t we?

“Mitch is a fighter. Ruthless against walkers. He hand-crafts tools and weapons for the group.”

Fiercely protective of his friends, especially Willy.

“Omar is the cook of the group. Knowledgeable about spices and local plant life. Appears physically strong but I’ve never seen him fight.”

Kind-hearted soul, looks out for everyone.

Clementine’s heart ached as the list went on. She forced herself to keep her voice steady.

She couldn’t lose it here.

“Tennessee and Willy are the younger ones. Tenn is the younger brother of the twins. Both are usually given watch duty since they can’t really do anything else.”

A couple of sweet kids, they’re not going to last once we take them.

“Aasim is a hunter. Practical dead-eye shot who knows how to track game through most conditions. He does whatever it takes to make sure everyone gets fed.”

He was never afraid to challenge any of Marlon’s decisions. One of the bravest.

“Ruby is the group’s doctor. She was trained by an actual nurse who worked at the school. She knows how to patch people up, medicine and such. She often looks out for the kids the most.” A sweet person with a big heart.

Someone was still missing. The one she could never quite figure out. Emotions were a tricky business, and he made her feel all kinds of those.

“Louis is…” She trailed off, trying to get her thoughts aligned. There were so many things she could say about him, but she had to be careful which ones she vocalized.

“...an optimist.”

That’s safe, right?

“He always looks out for everyone.”

A shoulder to lean on so we don’t have to suffer alone.

“His weapon is a makeshift bat.”

Heh, ‘Chairles.’

“He lives life in the moment and doesn’t like to think long-term.”

This moment is all we have after all.

“Louis…” She bit her lip, trying not to get carried away. Everything here seemed wrong. Her heart was beating so loud she wondered if Lilly could hear it.

Clementine started to lose herself again. Her throat dried up as she struggled to find the right words. A thousand words could be used to describe Louis but none were safe to say. If she showed any real attachment to these people she would be pulled immediately, but she couldn’t help how she felt, even if she couldn’t explain why. Her knuckles went white as she clenched her fists at her sides, her nails biting into her palms.

“Louis is going to die when we send him to war.”

“They all will, Clementine. You know that.” Lilly hissed, raising an eyebrow at her.

She stood from her chair, approaching her. Clementine felt infinitely small practically squished between the two towering adults. She shuddered as she tried to retain her composure. Lilly grabbed Clementine’s chin, her sharp nails scratching her skin.

“Don’t forget what’s at stake here.” Lilly leaned in until her face was only a few inches from hers.

“Are these people really worth his life?”

“Never.”

“That’s what I thought.” She finally let go.

“You are dismissed, soldier.”

---

Clementine was a mess by the time she was far away from the train station to feel alone. A walker emerged along the path, no doubt drawn by her breathy sobs. Its boney fingers clawed at her jacket as she struggled against it. The stench of death stung her nose as she kicked its leg out. She threw herself on top of the walker, her sorrow turning to rage as she plunged her knife into its face over and over, splattering her tear-stained face with its dark rotten blood.

“Come on then!” She screamed at the darkness surrounding her. More undead snarls came from the blackness as she raised her knife. One by one they fell. Each stab not nearly as satisfying as she wished it was.

There was something odd about the next walker that challenged her. Something about the way it carried itself was unnervingly alive.

“Stop.” Clementine’s eyes shot wide as the walker spoke to her. She tried to convince herself she imagined it, knife still poised to attack.

To her further surprise, the walker backed away, pushing past two walkers headed in her direction. Picking up a sizable rock, he threw it far into the trees with a few loud thunks that drew the walkers in the other direction.

Clementine stood there shocked, knife still in hand.

“I-I uh…” was all she could muster.

“I’m sorry the herd attacked you. I tried to steer them away but we were already too close. Are you alright?” He spoke lowly, keeping his distance.

As Clem looked closer, she could see human skin peeking out behind the rotted mask. His soft brown eyes clearly not matching the clouded-over look the dead had.

“A Whisperer…” She had heard rumours about a group that wore the skin of walkers in order to live among them, but she could hardly believe such a group actually existed. This boy was young, too. Couldn’t be much older than her.

This world is always full of surprises.

“Not anymore but… I used to be.” He rubbed his arm.

“I’m surprised you’ve heard of them. Most people who encounter the Whisperers aren’t so lucky as to tell the tale.”

“I’ve heard stories.” She sniffed, finally lowered her knife and trying to act composed.

“Didn’t think they were true.”

“You’ll find truth in a lot of stories these days.”

The two stared each other down for a moment. Both unsure but neither threatening. The boy was the first to break the short silence.

“I have a small camp nearby if you’d like you can stay there for the night, and I’ll take you to the school in the morning.” Her eyes widened at that.

“How did you know I was from the school?” Has he been watching them?

“Good guess, I suppose. I’ve lived in this area for a while. I usually stay away from your territory but I know a group of kids live there.” He didn’t mention her only recent appearance. Maybe he was just a loner trying to survive after all.

“I uh, appreciate the offer…”

“J-James.” He studdered, almost unsure.

“I appreciate the offer, James, but I need to get back before they know I’m gone.” She wiped the blood off her face with a shaky hand.

“I’m not supposed to be out by myself. I just needed to get out for a bit and got carried away.” A convincing enough excuse, not that it really needed to be. She could feel his eyes wander to the purple mark on her cheek, but he didn’t bring it up.

“As long as you know your way back. Safe travels.” After that, the two parted ways. James disappeared to rejoin the herd as Clementine continued on towards the school, reaching the walls just as the sky began to lighten.

---

She snuck back into the school the same way she had gotten out. Clementine was exhausted both physically and mentally, her body still shaking and her chest aching with every rapid beat. Even though she was incredibly tired she knew no sleep would come to her in the few hours she had left to rest. Her sloppy footsteps were met with a more steady sounding set as she realized she wasn’t the only “Early Riser” in the dormitory.

“Someone’s up early.” The quiet yet cheerful voice of the exact last person she wanted to see at that moment whispered from behind her.

I hope he didn’t see me sneak in.

“Good morning, Louis.” She stopped for only a second, not turning towards him before continuing to walk towards her room.

“Hey, what’s wrong?” She didn’t answer him as she closed the door behind her.

“Clem?” He sounded worried.

“Are you alright?”

She tried to muffle her sobs with her pillow gripping it for dear life as fell from the bed to the floor. Why did he have to make her feel this way? Why couldn’t she just ignore it?

“Clementine?” Hearing the thump his voice became frantic. When his knocking received no response, he tried the unlocked handle.

Of course, I didn’t fucking lock it.

“Oh my God.” He rushed to her side immediately.

“Clem, please, tell me what’s wrong.”

Clementine couldn’t do this. She just couldn’t take it anymore.

She abandoned her pillow, throwing her arms around Louis’ torso and burying her face into his chest. He didn’t hesitate to return the embrace, resting his chin on the top her head as he stroked her hair.

“It’s alright, Clementine.” He tried to calm her as she practically hyperventilated in his arms.

It wasn’t. It really wasn’t, but her throat was too tight for her to do much but choke out sobs as she sunk into the warmth of the hug.

“Shh… I’m here. I’m right here.” He continued to hold her close as she continued to stain his shirt with tears.

“Please don’t leave.” Her hoarse voice made the words barely audible

“I’m not going anywhere, I promise.” Louis pulled his coat around them both.

“Ever.”

#allegiances #my writing #clouis #louistine #fanfic

[thisiskindagross]

Better late than never. Here’s your question dump for some things y’all have been curious about. I did 55 questions.

1. why does heaven get to distribute death sentences to the Fallen if they decide to directly serve satan? I'm talking about what happened with ipos and sheila. Did the fallen have to sign a contract or something saying they cant talk to satan after the fall? why would heaven even care, since the fallen chose to leave heaven on their own free will and aren't their business anymore?

Heaven’s strange in the sense that they give themselves that authority. They are aware that the Fallen follow Satan and have pledged their allegiance to him, so they don’t care if they have contact with him; however, there are a select few Fallen that Heaven doesn’t want talking to Lucifer about certain things. Ipos was one of those people. They pretty much told him not to discuss anything involving Heaven as a whole, or giving Lucifer any help to give him an edge during the Apocalypse or else they’d punish or kill them depending on how severe the information was. So Ipos finding out about the Horsemen and where they were and telling Lucifer was a big enough deal to Heaven for them to shut him down.

2. So Michael fights with a torch, Zad fights with a knife, and Chamuel fights with two short sickles. Do the other archangels have distinct weapons like these? If so, what are they?

Uriel has God’s light, Gabriel has a spear, and Jophiel has the wheels of fire on his ankles since he’s the fastest angel. Raphael doesn’t have a troop to command so he’s not great at fighting, but he does have something that comes up in the Memory Arc later that he uses.

3.  I noticed during the "Wager" update that Pestilence has a scar going down her back. How did she get it?

This is kinda not released yet so I’ll be vague, but it’s not so much of a scar as it is an orifice.

4.  We know that Zadkiel put Satan's summoning symbols on a pad to "protect him during the End of Days", but why specifically? Like did Zadkiel know that Natalie was the prophecy child from the get-go and wanted to get her on Luce's side? Or was it just to delay the fight between him and Michael?

They did not know specifically Natalie was the prophecy child, it was more of a gamble. It was done to delay the fight because Michael isn’t the kind of person to harm someone in a contract, so the unlucky person who got contracted to Satan was like a temporary meat shield so to speak.

5.  About how far are we into the story you envisioned telling?

This is hard to answer cuz I have something planned at a later date, but I’d say a decent amount in.

6.  Which of the angels/demons would be the best with kids? I feel like Anthea and Gabriel would be great parents tbh

Gabriel, Chamuel, Anthea, Uriel, to name a few.

7.  what's titus' birthday?

October 23. I believe I said a different date in a stream once, but I changed my mind and set this as the official date.

8.  Has Michael ever been put in the Tank? What was his reaction?

He has never been in the Tank before.

9.  Why wasn’t Raphael punished for healing Natalie at Oregon? He helped out the "other side" too, it wasn't just Gabe. Did Michael never find out about Raphael's involvement? Or DID he know and he just chose to punish Gabe because he's the one that dragged Raphael into the situation? Love your work btw!

Michael knew Raphael was involved, but I think a little bit of him was sympathetic since he had been stabbed and poisoned and was on his death bed not long before this.

Since I haven’t publicly explained what the Tank is or does yet, I have to be vague. But Raphael is the only angel in Heaven forbidden from even going near the building where they keep the Tank. There is actually a sign on the door and guards forbidding Raphael from entering the building. Since Raphael is the only healer of Heaven and he’s a very depressed/easily influenced person, the higher ups don’t think the Tank would be a beneficial punishment for him.

10.  How did Raguel get his job? Like what about him stood out to Heaven? Does he just hide his sociopathic tendencies well lol

Raguel was created purposefully with the intent of being a replacement angel if one of the Archangels were to die. The Higher Ups asked God to make them an angel as a sort of “test run” angel and he reluctantly agreed.

The Higher Ups want angels to have very little interest outside of their jobs, and not be emotionally fueled. Raguel’s literally the first attempt at a prototype of an “emotionless” angel that will only obey orders.

They’re going to find out that that’s not the case with him later.

11. Are you planning any couples?

There will be some couples, there will be some “flings” that don’t last, there will even be some children. But that stuff’s very far away UuU

12.  Hi （〜^∇^)〜 In the beginning, did you plan for Satan and Me to just be comedy and then you came up with the plot or did you have the plot in mind when you started the comic ? (By the way, I love this comic and the others you create (♥ω♥*) Keep up the good work and take as much time as you need to do so, we fans will always support you ( ˘ ³˘)♥)

I just doodled, though I had no interest in keeping it a comedy. I like drama/angst with comedic and romantic elements. But no, I just went with whatever came into my head when I sat down.

Thank you for the support!

13.  does hell know that a part of natalie is still there?

Yes, it knows.

14.  Do you plan what you're going to write on each page or do you make it up as you go along?

I sit down and whatever happens, happens. I let the story dictate itself.

15.  is god going to show up again in this arc or is he just staying in his lane?

I have no intention of God showing up again this arc, but anything’s possible.

16.   I'm curious about the significance of characters that have the black iris but the colored pupil. Is that to show that the characters are more reserved, bc I've seen you do it with both Raph and Francisco and they're both on the quiet side

Pure coincidence, my friend UuU

17.  I don't know if you'll see this or if it'll be answered/has been answered already but- I was just wondering if perhaps we would be seeing War again before the comic ends? I really enjoyed his character, even though he's a little shit.

You will see War again in the Memory Arc.

18.  It seems like Kristi is always with Laila, but now a sleeping bag? Is Kristi's home life okay or is it just a sleepover?

Just a sleepover. Kristi takes some comfort clinging to Laila because Laila is calm and collected. She’s scared all the time since meeting Satan so she clings to Laila since she doesn’t know anyone else who is aware about supernatural beings, except for Natalie.

19.  How are Michael and Gabe right now I'm really worried about them!!!

Michael is upset about Lucifer’s wings and Gabriel is just getting his thoughts together after being in the Tank.

20.  Will uriel ever find out that he basically killed anthea?

Yes. Gabriel confronts him later.

21.  Sorry if you've answered this before because I couldn't find it but what does Zadkiel identify as? I know the angels and demons refer to them as she and they were a woman up in heaven (if I'm correct) but down on earth they've seemed to have favored a male form which I find really cute (and hope they continues to use throughout the comic sometimes) so yeah! Also if they are annoy would they be considered transgender or is that not a thing for the angels and demons? Hope you feel better Orange!

Zadkiel was originally intended to be written as genderfuid, but it worked out with them being nonbinary. I don’t believe they go by a specific male or female gender, but they do prefer the male form because it’s the form that they have the best success of making people submit with, unfortunately.

I wouldn’t call Zadkiel transgender in canon, but y’all can headcanon anything you want. Go nuts! :~)

22.  can demons and angels procreate with people? like why else would they have nuts to kick? or is just the body they're in?

They can procreate; however, it is illegal to procreate with humans. They would be executed as well as the human and child they procreated with an conceived.

23.  Here's the real question everyone should be asking. Where is Natalie's black bow/headband thing?

Perhaps it needs to make a comeback.

24.  Is Raphael still using "borrowed time"? Will that be touched on later in the comic?

Yes he is, and yes it will be.

25.  Will Zoè and Chamuel ever get some screen time together? Like it says in their profile that they're dating but Ive seen each of them like once or twice and on separate occasions

Yes, they will.

26.  WAIT! Why has no one asked this? What happened to Carla after the hospital situation?!

Michael delivered her back to her housing district in Heaven and left it at that.

27.  For some reason the Here It Comes comic account is marked as sensitive content suddenly. Is there anything you or myself could do about it?

While Satan and Me is relatively tame, Here it Comes is Mature in every sense of the the word. That blog has been set as a mature blog so you’d need to manually go into your settings to turn the safety off and you can see it again :~)

28.  Have you ever considered submitting a pitch bible to like Cartoon Hangover of Mercury Filmworks before? You have plenty of content and support! They could probably make SaM and even some of your other stories into animations n stuff?

Tbh I have no idea who those people are lol I’m out of the loop with stuff like that.

29. Does Gabriel have any crushes atm or that will develop?

Gabriel’s still stuck on Anthea right now.

30.  quick question about ipos' book. does it reveal stuff about the future like the real ipos he's based off of or is it just this big encyclopedia?

This is more like an encyclopedia he made to help Lucifer. He was good networking and digging stuff up so it’s a highly sought after book.

31.  If you don't mind me asking, do you ignore asks sometimes? Like, questions about the comic? It's fine if you do, but I wanted to confirm because I've sent a few questions before that were never responded to and I wasn't sure if they were received and just not answered or if my computer messed up sending them (which it does a lot).

I do sometimes if I know it will be explained later in the series. But for the most part I get a lot of asks and can’t address them all, and I don’t want to clog the blog with asks. So I do these question dumps from time to time so it’s more organized.

32.  In "No More Angels" how did Titus know Uriel was an archangel? Just from the sound of his voice? Uriel mentioning Raphael and Satan in the first panel might answer my question but I wasn't sure if he was just talking to himself or not.

Titus could feel stronger auras from people. They gave him headaches growing up, a sort of “side effect” of self preservation from Cain’s curse. He also did a lot of research and had seen a couple of supposed sightings of angels. Uriel happened to be one of those of the two he knew about.

33. you said that satan hates humans and sees them as beneath him and lower than dirt. how does this compare with how he sees natalie, since she is a human?

I’m sure he struggles with that from time to time, but her pros outweigh her cons. It’s shown sometimes in the series that he doesn’t like humans and finds a lot about them unappealing, exp: anytime she cries or drools or has a runny nose and he calls it leaking.

This will be touched upon later in the next Arc. Natalie isn’t just some positive kid who swayed an ancient heart. There is another element to it but I can’t say it right now.

34.  Does the devil ever get self-conscious about all the different depictions of himself and now he may or may not be able to live up to some of them?

It frustrates him a lot, but he can’t really do much about it.

35. I know you've had S&M planned out for a long while, but do you ever get to an arc and it just veers off wildly in a new direction? Or does it always get back to where you're going somewhere down the line?

Key elements stay the same, but yes, the events and characters just do what they want and I get surprised sometimes how different it turns out than originally intended.

The warehouse scene with Jericho and Natalie using her contract was out of left field and I was like “What the fuck are you saying?!” when Natalie used it because the original goal was to keep them contracted till the very end of the series. Sometimes stuff like that happens lol But it works out and I love it.

36.  In The Beginning, when Zad defected, Michael blamed Lucifer, and Lucifer made him think he'd actually been controlling Zad's actions. But I noticed Michael was all betrayed and surprised when that happened, so my question is, did Michael still have some sort of faith or trust in Lucifer until the Zadkiel incident? Cuz that seemed to prompt this character shift in Michael where he got broodier and less trusting?

I think Michael struggles with his denial about his brother. He’s floating on a blurred line of who he remembers Lucifer being and who he is in the present. The incident with Zadkiel made him a bit broodier because even though Lucifer’s an asshole, Michael never thought he’d stood so low as to blood poison his siblings. So that surprised him how cavalier he was being about taking credit for this. Like he lost some respect for Lucifer then.

37.  I have a question. Back in the beginning, there was that one day when Satan was all happy cuz he said it was game day and the world was gonna end. And then we went on this whole journey that ended in Run and basically didn't talk about it again. So why didn't the world end?

Game day meant that date was to start the beginning of the Apocalypse. Both sides were free to do anything they wanted, as agreed upon by Heaven, the Fallen, the Horsemen, and God. Before that they were coexisting but all parties going forward from that date were going to actively try to fuck over each other and drag humanity into it.

38.  I was rereading the entire comic (cuz jesus fuck I can't stop) and I found a thing. Before Run, Satan was always reading this blue book, and Nat would bust in and ask him a question or something. But the book always looked exactly the same. So was there anything particularly important about that book, or was it just always there?

It’s his favorite book. He has limited access to entertain himself stuck in Natalie’s home, so he’s reread the same books over and over.

39.  I noticed something. We've seen a bit of pre-fall Lucifer, and he looks different from both 'Stan' and the Satan we usually see now. Is there a reason he doesn't take his angel form anymore?

Pre-Fall Satan is tiny. It’s not intimidating enough, so Lucifer chooses to not take that form. He actively puts energy all day to maintain his bigger form, and would do so even fighting Michael, despite the fact if he reverted to his original form he would have more energy to fight. If he gets hurt badly enough or gets mentally compromised you can see him start regressing to his original form.

40.  Okay, so I was wondering. In that first arc when we met everybody, you could tell that Michael had been trying to catch up with Lucifer for a while, but he was also the one who ripped his wings off and threw him out. So I was curious, what was their first encounter after the fall like? And how did they get to that point?

Their first substantial encounter after the Fall is a story in the Bible where they argue over Moses’ dead body. They had casually run into each other before that but made no direct contact other than eye contact across a crowd.

Michael and Lucifer have had minimal contact since the Fall, hence why Satan’s reactions to Michael’s presence early on usually resorted in shocked anger and beating the shit out of him. How much contact they’ve had since Natalie came into the picture hasn’t happened since pre-Fall.

41.  Was Death created by God after or at the same time humans were created? Why does he hate Satan so much?

God created Death when he created the angels. He needed a mediator or a balance of sorts, since he established life he needed Death for consequences.

Death hates Satan because he taught his followers how to make contracts with humans and disrupt where their souls were going. Death is very particular about his job and Satan interferes too much. He also thinks he’s smug, entitled, and pompous. Which he is, so you can’t really fault him on that lol

42.  Hey orange, I'm not sure if this'd be spoilers or not, but is hellLuci a soul or a personification of hell or something? Who is he? And why hasn't he tortured Nat or something?

“Hell Satan” is a conglomerate of human souls taking Lucifer’s form to bother Natalie and gain her trust to mess with her. These souls do that to Lucifer too occasionally, where it takes Natalie’s form now it used to take Michaels. Pretty much whatever a close person is to Satan or Natalie, it morphs to it.

The main soul that usually talks the most when in Hell Satan’s form used to be a human named David, but since Hell fuzes souls together as one unity, it’s not likely he has any sense of individuality, just personality traits. Such as intrigue in long hair, as well as playing mind games.

Hell Satan takes its time before going straight into depravity, hence why when Natalie’s soul was removed from Hell, it was even willing to risk being pulled under into the lake to get her back. It feels robbed, and that’s a good way to get an immediate reaction from Hell.

43.  Is Satan's desperately thinking of asking Michael to help him because he's scared and he didn't mean for this to happen and he doesn't know what to do and he's lost and HE NEEDS HIS BIG BROTHER, a further sign of Natalie causing him to revert to the part of his nature that cares for others like he used to back when he and Michael were close????? Also Natalie made a bet in the early chapters were she said she'd get him to care about one person before the end of the world, does he remember that?

Yes, he remembers that. And yes, Satan’s go to to fix something if he ever thought he couldn’t would be to seek out Michael for help. It’s not intentional, but it’s his first instinct before he represses it. Boy needs to get out of denial.

44.  I saw the Group SaM Asks, but, I really wanted to ask if angels could still date humans? or be around them frequently, like Michael and kristi?

You can be around them but you cannot date them, marry them, have children with them. It’s also an unspoken rule to keep your identity a secret.

45. Why was Satan the only angel in heaven to not have any piercings? Did that have something to do with why he was able to rebel?

God gave “special case” angels no piercings, in a way of hinting that something was going to go down with a particular angel. Most angels noticed the ones without piercings, but didn’t know what it meant till after the fall. Now any angel without a piercing is looked at suspiciously, just in case.

46. I'm in a lot of fandoms who the fandom is very lighthearted but the fangroup is very dark *cough me cough * but this fandom here is talking about FREAKING SATAN and the fangroup is so lighthearted and is joking,playing pranks, ...I have to ask HOW?!

I don’t know, but it’s my favorite thing in the world

47.  Based off of his reaction, was Hell's chatter constant (like 24/7) even when Lucifer's seals weren't leaking?

Yes, it was never ending whispers/static in his head. When Natalie shut it off he was in shock for a while and zoned out for a bit because he wasn’t used to silence.

48.  What was laila's natural hair color?

Very light brown.

49. So I'm curious, what ever happened to Max's biological father? He and Carla divorced, but then what? Is he still part of Max's life? Did he die? Did he mutate into a zombie and become an extra on the Walking Dead? Sorry if this has already been asked, btw

He’s a deadbeat. Teen father, too hard, walked out. Not really part of the picture.

50.  IT BREAKS MY HEART HOW MICHAEL STILL INVITES HIM EVERY YEAR. The relationship between Michael and Lucifer is almost as big a part of the comic as Lucifer and Natalie and it's seriously heartbreaking. Could you maybe just talk a little about that?

Michael was the first angel Lucifer connected with. Michael was always very bubbly and lighthearted, which is a personality trait Lucifer gravitates towards. They were virtually inseparable and did everything together. So when Lucifer rebelled Michael took that extremely hard. He wasn’t ordered to physically retaliate when the Fallen were leaving, but he was emotional and angry and felt betrayed so he ordered the Fallen to have their wings removed if they were caught before they were kicked out so they couldn’t come back into Heaven.

Despite both of them saying they don’t care about each other anymore, it’s kinda obvious that it’s a lie. Lucifer doesn’t like seeing Michael because of old memories so he avoids him or tries to lash out/hurt him when he does see him to make himself feel better.

Natalie is the first person Lucifer developed a very close emotional bond with since Michael, and Michael is very jealous of that. Natalie and Michael are two people who aren’t aware of it that are competing in Lucifer’s heart.

51.  I just noticed in the most recent doodle dump on tapastic, there's one drawing of Natalie and lucifer kissing and lucifer is crying and his back is bleeding, and I thought it was a little weird that that "doodle" had a full background and everything. I was wondering if that was possibly the original idea for after Natalie came back to life and just got scrapped in favor of a more heartbreaking story line??

No, that was for April Fools and I let people request pairings and Natan was requested so I drew that since the current plotline at the time was so angsty lol

52.  so does pax just have a lot of libido or does he actually experience sexual attraction? just curious!

Both? I mean, he’s not picky with women. He just likes to hook up and whatever’s convenient at the time is good enough for him. However, he does have preferences and traits he prefers over others, so if given the option of fuckin Girl A who possesses 30% of his favorite traits or Girl B who possesses 80% of his favorite traits, he’d try for Girl B first if that makes sense.

53.  for the question dump: what is natalie's academic life like? like what's her GPA and has it lowered since she got involved with this end of days business? shes a senior, so was she planning on going to college? if so, what did she wanna major in? loaded question but i've always been curious

She had a relatively high GPA. She put a lot of effort into school, and tutored some classmates. Since she’s missed a lot of school her grades did go down, but not to the point that she won’t graduate if she gets at least Cs in her classes.

She is planning on going to college but not immediately. She’s a biology major.

54.  No mean to sound rude or anything like that, it's just a suggestion, but don't you think it would be better for you to have an assistant to help you for your comics?

I would, but sadly I cannot pay them anything, and I have an odd schedule so it would be too erratic to keep in touch with someone. I also don’t have anyone I trust giving access to the comic with that much authority atm, so for now it’s just gonna be lil old me :’~)

55.  Michael and Lucifer break my heart (I can relate, God). And this is kind of a huge deal now since we've got Michael feeling nostalgic about Lucifer and freaking out cause of his wings, so I have to ask: which of them is angrier at the other? And is there any chance of forgiveness on either side??? I care about this much more than I should and I need to knooooow!!! Help me Orange

Mmm... Angrier.... Idk, they’re both angry for different reasons. Currently in the comic atm I’d say Lucifer is angrier, since Michael is now just ensconced in grief over the wings. When he processes that we’ll see what stance he takes and if that sanded any of his rough edges or not.

Forgiveness is up to them UuU They’re both alike in how stubborn they are.

#asks #admin #satan and me #satanandmeupdates #question dump

[stephhannes]

booked and busy

sometimes when i think about dating again i’m like “how am i supposed to do this when i’m not young and hot anymore?” and then i have to remind myself that i’m 25, not dead. it’s hard to not feel behind though when everyone i went to high school with is already on their second marriage. 

speaking of marriage, all of my friends got married last summer. i get that pandemic weddings suck for the people getting married- but they were great for me, because i didn’t even have the option of having to be like “haha hey sorry i can’t come i’m still grieving the loss of my wedding xoxo send me ur registry.” for future reference, i am still emotionally unavailable to attend any weddings. i don’t even really drink anymore so don’t even think about trying to lure me in with an open bar- hit me up for your second weddings, i might be ready by then. 

let’s address the elephant in the room: i’ve been lonely lately. i’ve finally gotten to a point where i’m not constantly in survival mode, the last couple of years have been tough- between the whole being so sad i thought i was simply going to pass away thing and being so poor that i thought i was going to pass away thing. but i’m finally at a place where i have a little bit of time to think of other things than “oh my god am i going to be able to pay rent this month?” and the thing i’ve been thinking about is how much it sucks to come home to…just myself. 

in november, i officially moved back to austin after my departure due to the pandemic. when i initially returned, i wasn’t sure how long i’d be back in austin for. my lease at my apartment ended in july, and i ended up basically housesitting for a friend. and as the paramount kept having events, i kept extending my time housesitting. and eventually i wound up with a second job. 

a coworker asked if i was available for a couple-day gig and i was like “yes, i love money” and that gig has extended until now. it’s not technically permanent, but maybe if i bat my eyelashes enough i can keep working. i’ve now somehow weaseled my way into the TV industry which is hilarious because one of my favorite pastimes in college was getting involved with film bro dudes and absolutely horrifying them with how little knowledge i have of tv/film. 

with the second job, i knew that i needed to find a place to live. i also knew that i still didn’t make enough money to actually be able to rent anything in this hell city without a guarantor, and as a woman that has no financially stable adults, my options were slim. and somehow- i got lucky. the friend i was housesitting for ended up actually moving out, and i just slid right in. and now look at me! the proud renter of a house! i have a backyard! i pay way too much money in rent! i love it! 

i love my house. she’s uhhhh, quirky- but she’s a place to live. in november, i began the arduous process of moving all my shit from abilene back to austin, a shuffle i’ve made too many times at this point. it took three trips, but i eventually moved my wares- a desk, a nightstand, a handful of kitchen items, my clothes. for awhile, it was pretty empty in here. but it’s finally starting to fill in. i spent my first couple of weeks building flatpack ikea furniture, and eventually started scouring the salvation armies near me. my biggest dilemma was trying to find a couch.

how do people with no friends, no truck, and no money get a couch to their home? i’d find a cheap one on facebook marketplace, but would need someone to pick it up for me. i looked through wayfair, but the idea of waiting for a couch that may or may not arrive in 5-10 weeks and need two people to assemble was too much. and eventually, my neighbor was like “hey do you want my old couch? i just got a new one” and i was like “uh yes, absolutely.” shortly after that, i found a chair at salvation army for $25. and hark! there it was, finally i had a place to sit down. as they say, every desk is a standing desk when you don’t have anything to sit on. 

when it came to furnishing my place, i was willing to wait for the right pieces. when i moved in, i thought a lot about the place i had in philly with nathan. if i’m being honest, i hated it. all of our furniture was black, from walmart. it looked ugly, it was uninspired, but it was functional. and sure, at that point, that’s all that mattered. we only lived there for a month, so obviously there wasn’t time to actually move in and personalize it. but still, i didn’t want to have that experience with my place. in all honesty, it’s always felt like home. even when the only thing i had was a mattress on the floor of my bedroom and a bar cart. but now that it’s starting to fill in, it’s been really great. 

when jose first came to visit, he immediately was like “this place has good vibes,” and i have to agree. when i first moved out on my own after nathan died, i moved back into an apartment that i had already lived in during the before times. it haunted me. even though i had filled it with completely new furniture, in a completely different arrangement, the walls still knew too much. 

sometimes it’s lonely living by myself. i’ve always had a roommate and this is my first time where i’m just coming home to me. i miss living with nathan. it was all the perks of living alone (not having to wear pants in shared spaces, being able to be awake at stupid hours of the night) with the addition of the warmth of being able to come home to a partner. to be able to say “hey, i’m at 125th right now, i’ll be home soon,” and have someone excited for my arrival. to not have to stress about doing all the chores because someone else was there to lighten the load. to have someone to reel me in when i start spiraling before bed. 

i had to have a weird conversation with myself when it came to hanging up pictures on my wall. i have pictures with all of my favorite people, which obviously includes pictures of nathan and i had to take a moment to ask myself “does seeing his face every day still make me happy?” when i try to make myself sad, i’ll go through all the pictures of him on my phone. and for a period of time, catching the glimpses of us hanging on my wall would put me in a weird mood. i ended up leaving the pictures up. i hate thinking about the day i’ll eventually take them down. 

becoming a home-renter has taken a village. from my friend advocating for me to make sure i got the lease, to jose and dan coming here on the weekends to do all the stuff i just don’t have time for (yard work, knocking down wasp nests, cleaning my blinds), to everyone that’s given me furniture or other home goods. and most recently, my friends that let me live with them during the snowstorm because my home became uninhabitable because one of her quirks is that she’s impossible to keep warm! 

i’ve felt so supported by my friends lately, which has been dope- but there’s still a lingering emptiness. starting next week, i’m going to attempt to fill that emptiness with 50mg of zoloft (yes, ya girl finally got an anti-depressant prescription), but realistically, i know that i’m missing having a partner.

something i’ve noticed a lot on The Apps is that dudes will put “no kids, never married” in their bio, and while i do appreciate the child disclaimer- the whole ‘never married’ disclaimer sends me on a spiral. because like, yeah i’ve never technically been married, but i feel like that’s an even worse way to try to explain my past than just being like “yes i’m 25 yes i’m a widow yes we exist,” and it’s like- why are you seeing that and addressing it like it’s a red flag? shouldn’t be a good sign that there’s been at least one person who liked me enough to want to marry me? i still haven’t worked out the best way to navigate the whole “haha yeah i’m a widow” conversation, as you can imagine, it’s A Lot to ingest. 

(also, a quick side tangent- over the last few months, my blog has gotten a lot more hits, like literally thousands more than usual, and as a result of that, i’ve been getting a lot of pushback because of the way that i refer to myself as a widow even though i wasn’t married. i’ve never had to make this disclaimer to anyone that knows me in real life, because they get it. but i wanted to make a quick disclaimer to anyone that’s ever thought “lol this poor grieving woman isn’t a widow!!! i must tell her in a very rude way!!!” literally the only reason i wasn’t legally married was because nathan died before we could get married. in every other aspect, we were married. we had joint finances, we were on a lease together, but more importantly, every decision we made was with the other person in mind and with the intent of bettering each others’ lives- we were very much A Unit. being legally married doesn’t legitimize a relationship in any sort of significant way, other than….legally. the whole point of marriage is to promise to take care of someone until they (or you) die, and that’s exactly what i did. and by that merit, yeah, i do refer to myself as a widow. if you want to be technical about it, legally, no i’m not a widow…but like….get over it….are you really going to argue semantics with someone that lost their partner?)

ok so back to the hell that is Being On Dating Apps. i’ve done my time, i’ve put in my work, and when nathan and i got together i was so excited that i didn’t have to date ever again because honestly, i hate it. and now look at me, back in business. 

it’s exhausting being this unimpressed by men. my arms are tired from having to carry every conversation. 

i’ve talked about the first date i went on after nathan died, but the second one is truly a train wreck that needs to be witnessed. 

picture this: i’m on bumble, and i start talking to this dude that’s like….pretty decent. we’re having a good enough conversation, and eventually he’s like “hey! let’s get lunch this week” and like an unsuspecting fool, i said yes. so we go to lunch, and once again, things are surprisingly normal. until eventually, he looks me in the eyes and says with his whole heart- “hey, i’ve gotta be honest with you. i’m actually a magician, i recognized you on bumble from in & of itself and i really just wanted to pick your brain and ask some questions about the show,” and i immediately was like “oh yeah for sure, let me run to the bathroom real quick and then we can discuss magic” and then i literally made myself disappear. i just left. poof. no trace of me to be found again.

i’ve always said that i hate magic because if i wanted to get lied to i would just do it for free by talking to a man- and boy, have i always been right. 

anyway, now i live in fear of being bamboozled by a magician again. 

one time i let my friend swipe through my apps for me, and she was like “you sure do match with a lot of people named nathan,” and i was like “yeah, i think it’s the trauma.” i went through a phase where i’d swipe right on anyone with any sort of commonality with nathan….like literally anything. i’d see someone that graduated from columbia and i’d be like “ok that works” or like…..i’d see a picture of someone playing a trumpet and i’d just swipe right. 

i’ve tried to break myself of that habit because like, that’s not fair to the other person but sometimes i recognize those little patterns and it’s just a little reminder of how i’m still broken. 

when i’ve mentioned being back on apps, sometimes people are like “omg how did you move on? i couldn’t imagine dating someone else” and first of all- bold of you to assume i’ve moved on, also bold of you to assume that it’s not totally terrifying to me. being back on apps isn’t the same thing as being in a relationship with someone else. just because i’ve been casually talking to people doesn’t necessarily mean anything substantial. it’s progress, but the thought of having to be genuinely vulnerable around someone else is hard to wrap my head around, especially now with all this additional baggage. 

there have been times in my life where i’ve struggled with feelings of being unloveable. when i was in college, i was convinced that i would die alone. and a lot of the work that happened within my relationship with nathan revolved around getting me to a place where i was able to be like “i am a person deserving of love.” 

i’ve had to come to terms with the fact that there are also countless other people in this world deserving of love, and i have plenty of it to offer. do i wish i was offering to nathan? absolutely, all the time. i know that my relationship with nathan is incomparable, but that doesn’t mean that i can’t go on to have fulfilling relationships with other men. right before nathan and i got together, in the time when we thought we were about to go our separate ways- we had this conversation where i was like “lol you’ll be fine, you’re about to move to new york and you’ll find someone better than me and forget that i exist” and his response to that was “shut the fuck up, do you actually believe that? i have what i have with you- even if i wanted to, i couldn’t just replicate that with someone else.” and i think about that a lot now- in the sense of i had i had with nathan, and nothing will touch that, or replace that, or compare to that- and that’s totally okay. that doesn’t take away from or negate the importance of theoretical future relationships. 

i can’t say that i’m actively looking for a partner right now, but if the opportunity presents itself, i’m not opposed to the concept of dating someone. like i tweeted the other day, “i can’t believe that one day i’m going to have to be a mother figure to a straight man, yet again.”

ok cool, so that’s enough vulnerability for today- i’m gonna save the rest for my therapist xoxo

+++

the fun thing about having jobs (plural) is that instead of feeling emotions i just feel stressed. i can’t believe that i’ve finally become one of those people that has to be constantly doing something but here i am, working from 9-5 and then coming home to do chores and then scrolling through my phone while watching netflix because god forbid i allow my brain to have one single moment where i’m alone with my thoughts. some days i work from 9am to midnight and those are the days where i really don’t have any time to be alone with my thoughts. thank god! 

i have been taking time to try to do more creative pursuits. i’ve been writing more- recreationally. my resolution this year was to become the most insufferable woman in the world, so i am currently working on both a screenplay and a stand-up routine. i’ve also been doing some freelance editing and social media consulting. which like…..how millennial of me to do. 

circling back to the “having thousands more readers” on my blog thing i mentioned earlier, i checked my stats the other day and i’ve somehow gotten 10k page views in the last few months. i’ve been getting a lot of DMs on instagram/emails/etc from people that are like “oh my god i feel so much less alone now” which is insane. 

after nathan died, i purposefully stayed away from all grief content- i didn’t want any influence on what i was feeling- especially when i started writing how i was feeling. i wanted to be able to look back on it and know that the feelings i was writing about were uniquely mine. and then slowly, i started introducing works about grief into my reading lists and i also remember having those moments of “oh!! other people feel this way!!” but, if i’m being honest, a lot of grief writing makes me cringe. i hate platitudes, i hate cliches, i hate when people try to give me unsolicited advice and i hate published collections of advice even more. 

nonetheless, i keep getting asked the same question- “does it ever get easier?”

so here’s what i’ll say about that, it does. 

there was a period of time in my life where i’d be awake at 4am frantically googling “can you die from a broken heart?” (spoiler alert, apparently you can). i didn’t leave my house for 9 months. i literally could not be social without having to step away to cry. it was impossible to function. everything felt so incredibly empty (and i definitely still have days where things feel meaningless), i was literally a whisper of who i used to be. and then gradually, it got easier. my chest was a little less tight, the weight on my shoulders was a little lighter, and now i probably feel the closest to “myself” i’ve ever felt. 

everyone told me that the second year is the hardest, but there was a chunk of time where i didn’t even think i would make it to the second year. and then i did. and the second year has been weird (love grieving and also getting tossed into a pandemic) but it’s been better. i’ve been joking about it a lot more. which i’ve noticed a lot of people being very confused by- but to paint you a picture, one time pretty shortly after nathan died one of my friends texted me and was like “hey…..you haven’t made any jokes and i’m pretty concerned. you must really be doing terribly if you’re not joking about it” and they were right! i was doing terribly! 

but i’ll leave you with this- perhaps the most egregious platitude of them all- it gets better.

but first, it’s going to be really awful.

[aellesaan]

Wanderings in Mac’Aree: The Final piece.

Part One

Part Two

Part Three

Part Four

At the base of the pedestal the following was written in Argussian, an ancient old dialect: "I get cut, but I never bleed. I have teeth, but I don’t bite. I get put on a ring, but I’m not a diamond. I get turned, but I’m not a page." Beside this inscription was a round metal ring, looking remarkably familiar as the other projectors the Construct had used, this one only containing a button, perhaps a summon in case they got stuck?

Ash was the first to the pedestal which held the key, followed by a bouncy Aellesaan, but it was clear that he had no idea what this strange writing said. He stood there, scratching his head for a moment, looking at the weird chicken scratch, but was unable to decipher it. He looks back to Aellesaan and raises a brow "You have any idea what this nonsense is?" He points at the writing, then his eyes fall to the button, and his eyes light up. "Oooh, I wonder what this does..." Ash , not knowing if it was some sort of self destruct button, not really having paid attention to much of what the emotionally sensitive can opener had said before, besides the fact that it seemed very quick to anger and sounded more like a five year old throwing a tantrum than any real threat, presses the button rapid fire, mashing down on it as if he had hoped it was a call button for food service.

As Ash mashed down the button, Aellesaan patiently waited. "I wonder if there is food after this for a reward. I want a burrito right now; preferably a roasted orc burrito. Have you ever had orc before? Tastes quite delicious." Realizing she was rambling, yet again, she looked at the other Draenei. "Any of you old folk know how to read this scribbly mess?"

Ashaar grinned at Aellesaan and nodded.” That's what I was hoping, actually. I hoped this was some sort of food call button, maybe they'd give us some food for being so patient and awesome." Food was all he really had on his mind since dropping his sandwich, and his grumbling stomach was certainly making a fuss. He mashed the button a few more times, looking at the circle with a furrowed brow "Come on, you hulking mass of mechanical ignorance, give us snacks!"

If that button had of been a destruction button or in any way dangerous well oh boyyyy lets just say Ash would not have had a great day oh no not at all. As it were, it was lucky for him it was not dangerous, and it didn't seem to do much of anything yet besides emitting a glow a pattern which emitted onto the pad that seemed insignificant so far. Epilvik blinked at Aellesaan shaking his head in surprise. "Wait.. orc burritos? like orc meat.. it tastes nice.. really? But they are filthy animals... hardly better than a rapid dog... I’m very surprised, though pleased at the same time as well. Least they serve one decent purpose, and better yet they have to be dead to do it." Epilvik commented morbidly, as unaware as the others of how to read the script, so he watched to see what the pad would do. They certainly didn't get snacks, not even close, instead... it was their favourite mechanical construct as it blinked into existence, seemingly having been disturbed from whatever it was doing. "What the- oh it’s you again... and you’re all wet," It said laughing hysterically in amusement as it looked at Ash, though it stopped haltingly as it looked to Aelle. "Well you made it through. You guessed right, but you got dumped on, and very well. Guess my help would have been useful, huh?" it questioned with immense satisfaction. "So now I bet you want me to read that puzzle for you huh? Well well well... give me one good reason why I should do so?" He said nearly ready to leave this group stuck in this place.

Aellesaan smiled kindly at him, and waved. "Hello again dear old friend. I must say, thank you immensely for your guidance. I have heard a saying before: Two heads are better than one. It was a pleasure to work with you on this. However, would you be so kind as to teach me what this script says? I do love learning, especially from a handsome fella as yourself. Your armour is so nicely cleaned and shined." Her kind words, plus being in a wet t-shirt should work on him she hoped. Isn't that what all men wanted? She wondered.

Ash frowned as the only thing that appeared in the circle was that annoying construct. "Great, this asshole again. Don't you have a scrap heap convention to get to? You better have brought some fucking snacks, you cantankerous, bug-ridden vending machine." He was having fun coming up with new, and inventive insults for the arrogant chuck of scrap metal, whether or not it was helping their cause. He looked at Aellesaan with a raised brow, and half a grin "Seriously? Gonna try charming the can opener?" He gives a bit of a shrug, and looks at the Curator "Hey, tell us what that says, and she'll show you her boobs." He hoped that would work, after all, the thing did seem to have a bit of a crush on the spunky space goat. He waited patiently for the construct to reply, hoping it wasn't some dumb riddle again.

Aellesaan glared at Ash angrily. "My breasts are mine not yours. Watch yourself before you end up with frozen limbs you dim witted goat faced Draenei! Go grow your own pair of tits," she said with a huff.

Ash's face went blank as Aelle yelled at him; a slight pout formed on his lips as he blinked a few times at her. He turned back to the construct and glared. "See what you did? You made me upset her! You should be ashamed of yourself, you defective trash compactor!" He huffs and gives Aelle a nod, like he had just fixed things.

"Oh, for crying out loud, here!" Kairyth finally snaped, looking up from where she'd been studying the writing. Her lips moved soundlessly as she squinted and puzzled over the archaic writing. She reached into one of the many pouches at her belt and shoves a desiccated strip of... something... at Ash. "Eat this, it's good for you. " The something, should Ash be bold enough to try it, would prove to be smoked and dried clefthoof of a sort many Rangari carried on their person -  flavorful despite its unappetizing appearance, and sufficient to keep one's teeth busy and the worst of hunger pangs at bay for a time. With a huff, and ignoring Aeiia's pleased exclamations over her "generosity," Kairyth turns back to the writing. "My Pop made me learn... hmmm. Been a while..." She stops, looking blank. "I'm almost certain this says "teeth." Something about teeth. Or cactus. And this one here," She taped the writing with one stained fingertip. "Blood. Or bleeding. Or possibly uh... juice?" She sat back on her hooves with a groan, swiping water from her face irritably. She took a long drink from her second-best flask. "Well this is useless."

If the construct could beam properly, it likely would at the pretty Draenic ladies words. The construct turned to address her properly, so far being the only one there that has cared anything about him, and that treated him with even a modicum of the immense respect he considered himself entitled to. "Least there is one amongst you who sees greatness before you. Why can't the rest of you be like her? She at least was clearly raised right!" He commented huffily to the others as Aellesaan flirted with him openly, enjoying the compliments that she paid him. Unfortunatly before he had an opportunity to respond to Aellesaan, good ol Ash butted in again with the insults. The construct immediately swung its fury toward him; reached out as it flicked the man on the nose... hard. "Oi deaf prick... haven't you learnt by now insulting those you need help from isn't of value?" It questioned him rhetorically with a  voice full of loathing for the man. He tilted his head though at Ash's suggestion. "Oh is she now.. well... huh.... hmm..." The curator responded going silent as if seriously contemplating that offer before he noticed Aellesaan angrily responded to Ash, looking near ready to hit the man in the face. He made a soft chuckling noise at seeing someone else put him down.

"See what I did? It was you who were dumb enough to open your mouth unable to keep it in your pants! Just because you can’t appreciate what you already have, with her before you in a wet shirt, you had to try pushing it. Don’t you try pushing that on me now bucko, oh no no no, you’re just a dim witted little man,” It responded back huffily bending to look straight on at him, acting every bit like two males fighting over the same female, and indeed that is what it was, after all beyond being in a construct he was indeed a Draenic male. He watched as one of the wild people angrily stalked over to Ash and threw some sort of food at him and bossed him around quite maternally it seemed. Was it his mother? Truthfully the construct couldn’t give a shit. Kairyth would get a few of the words right, but nowhere near enough to learn the full riddle. "Hmm you got a few words... but oh my my my... you are never going to guess the answer like that, and you only have three guesses before your sealed in here forever, so you better think through it," It told them smugly satisfied in its superior knowledge. "My Light, how do they not teach you language nowadays? Young people, humpf."

Though clearly pleased to see that Kairyth had shared something - anything - Aeiia is also wet and cold and verging on grumpy - none of which suits her temperament. Perhaps that's why, though she smiles sweetly as ever at the construct, her words are laced with salt. "There is no inherent virtue in being old, you know. It simply takes a long time." She turns her attention to the Rangari she'd purportedly feared for decades. "If your lessons under your father's tutelage were anything like mine..." She shudders, forcibly shaking off the memory and composing her features carefully. "The knowledge is there, you must simply find it." She sighed sadly, looking from Kairyth, to the inscription, to the ball of Light in her palm. "This will hurt." "What do--" but the words died on Kairyth's lips, fading to a whimper and then a near-howl of pain as, moving swiftly - more swiftly than Kairyth would have thought her able - Aeiia pushed her palm flat against the words, and clasped her own hand to the scarred tattoo on Kairyth's shoulder. Aeiia's jaw snapped shut with an audible crack of teeth against teeth and the ball of Light in her free hand shuddered violently, twisting and contorting into meaningless shapes, runes, and figures with increasing speed. This continued for several long moments - the kneeling Rangari's screams echoed from the chamber walls, Aeiia's muscles were rigid, until suddenly, abruptly, it ceased. Kairyth's fury was palpable as she wrenched her hand away from the writing, swiping angrily at the trickle of bright blue blood from her nose. "I still can't even read it, you bitch!" She snapped, then stared, open-mouthed. Aeiia gasped for breath, panting sharply. "Mind magic..." she whispered with a moue of distaste. But there, gleaming brightly an inch above her palm, was the shining but unmistakable image of a key.

Ash rubbed his temple a bit as people around him began bickering, possibly a headache from lack of food, possibly from the bickering, but he gladly accepted the jerky from Kairyth, not questioning what it was, simply devouring it. After chewing for what seemed like five minutes, holding a finger up to the construct to let it know he was about to speak again, he swallowed the jerky, and tilted his head a bit to look back at the Curator. "Fine, I will try to be nice, as long as you stop being a complete dick. Deal?" He puts his hand out to shake the construct's hand, but leans forward with a glare. "But let me make one thing abundantly clear...you ever fucking flick me again, and I will toss your rusty metal ass onto one of those sun tiles and watch you melt, you got me?"

Soaking wet, and beginning to feel slightly grumpy, Aellesaan watched the chaos begin to unfold before her. She highly disliked encountering so many loud noises, and the screaming on top of it, made her curl in on her self. Memories of her childhood began to trickle through her mind which left her a curled up, shaking mess. She desperately found a wall, and sat against it, humming to herself to block out the images. She might as well rest while everyone else tried to figure out the scribbles.

Whilst all of this madness had continued on, Danarshi refused to move from the spot in which he landed from scaling the rung course - at least not until he had caught his breath and recovered from his efforts; lazy old fool. As his companions crossed the course of engraved tiles, he simply watched them, learning the answer via the easy way, again; sly reprobate. Although they were rather distant, he could roughly hear the exchange, that of which was consumed by obvious confusion, and then overridden by the blood-curdling screams of Kairyth. At that moment, Danarshi shot up on to his hooves and raced across the tiles, his robes were now utterly drenched from head to toe from the gallons of water that poured down upon him, like the wrath of the titans themselves. The Anchorite stood before the group, awkwardly, water audibly and visibly dripping down on to the stone floor beneath him. "Forgive me for the delay. What did I miss?" he suddenly inquired. So far, he had proved himself as quite the dead weight.

The construct turned its annoyance to a second female, looking bored towards her. "Hm.. something a child would comment, how appropriate considering..." He commented making a sound of what would have amounted to a yawn though watched in interest at the idea of one of the Draenei hurting another. He jumped, startled, as would Epilvik and Rhuua, as Aeiia's action surprised and horrified them with what she was doing, so callously injuring and harming another of their party. Even if she was a rude grumpy butt, and it wasn't fleeting pain either, but the screaming continued, lasting and going on and on as Aeiia must have probed Kairyth's mind for the answers she desired. The anger and fury of Kairyth was palpable when Aeiia finally released her, the Construct assumed the other girl would try and kill this Draenei for what had clearly been a horrifically painful experience. However he noticed Aeiia's hand and the shape glowing above it. "What the fuck... how the ... damn," It commented with a sigh, saddened by the development.

It looked down at Ash when the Vindicator approached it and offered him friendship, making him wait as if considering it for several minutes. "Fine... I guess I can tolerate you, for the time I need to put up with you, but you better behave yourself in the future. Also the idea of you tossing me is laughable... this frame is extraordinarily heavy," It said amused at the thought this provoked.

The rest of the group or any who were looking would be able to witness the glass container slowly sliding into the floor, revealing now suspended, seemingly just in the air, the solid piece of ruby, intricately and ornately carved and shaped. The entire length seemed to serve a purpose from the regular teeth part of the key to the elaborate hilt of it too. The final piece they required to unlock the Vault of Archimonde; where they could then seize the scepter that they had been seeking. The trials and tribulations finally over, having gathered all three items they needed to complete the unlocking sequence. It was then however that a disembodied voice, soft, almost whispering, almost as if it was in their very heads, both there, and then not there, as it spoke to them, "Do not go any further. What you seek will take your very souls. Don’t fall like so many others before you. He wants you to take it." Before it fell silent, it would answer no more from them, as the Construct looked to them. "Well well well... Looks like you succeed, guess now all that’s left is for you to delve into the vault at the great university." He commented casually.

Danarshi's inquiry had almost immediately answered itself as the glass casing around the ruby key slid away, leaving their prize for the taking, or so it seemed. As the mysterious voice filled their minds in warning, concern was quick to seep into the veins of Danarshi. Whilst he struggled to determine the source of the message, suspecting that it may, perhaps, be Shadow, or Arcane magic, he mustered a mighty breath and then stepped forward, towards the key. "Wait. Something is amiss," the Anchorite warned his companions. He stood in front of the key to ensure they could not take it. "It is due to the efforts of you, and you only, that we have survived this labyrinth, my brothers and sisters. Please, allow the burden of seizing the key to be my own. If the worse shall come to pass, at least it will have been I who shielded you all from it." Danarshi insisted in a somber tone. Allowing his companions barely a matter of seconds to try and stop him, he turned himself towards the ruby key and lifted his right arm, courageously grasping it within his right hand. As his hand encased the key, he closed his eyes and focused upon the inner Light within him, hoping that it would be enough to shield him if something were to occur.

The majority of this time, Phaelastra had kept to the shadows as much as possible - quietly following the group's lead. However... at Danarshi's comment, she slowly took the bow off her back, her free hand ready to arm it with an arrow. Her breaths were slow and even; however, every muscle remained tense. While she may not be in the center of the gathering, she could at least hopefully prevent something from happening if her rangari senses are able to pick up on them.

Danarshi, all the ceremony and bravery that he showed, his willingness to put himself into danger and sacrifice himself should it have been necessary, willfully placing himself between his people and a danger that he did perceive. However... it was for naught, he grasped the key, lifted the key, and it came away smoothly of whatever gravity well it had been in, becoming a regular key in his hand. Albeit considering what it was made of, extremely heavy, but they had completed the task, the key was secure, and they were all alive and safe. The Construct tapped its foot loudly. "If you people are well and truly finished, you can all gather here. There is no way back but through this teleport. If you  don’t come with the group, you’ll be stuck here and I am NOT making multiple trips, so get your butts over here. You can celebrate and exalt one another after I get to leave," It complained reminding them of its presence.

Aellesaan having quieted herself down from the previous chaos and screaming, shuffled over to the construct. The whole adventure had hit her, and she felt tired, hungry, and grumpy. She would still of course, be humming to herself with an odd smile on her face.

#Aellesaan #Te'Amun #Danarshi #Epilvik #Aeiia #Kairyth #Phaelastra #Mac'Aree #RP #Wanderings in Mac'Aree #Part five #Aelle #Draenei #Ashaar #Rhuua

[skittythegreat]

Survey Thingy

I was tagged by @punwolf​ but since this was getting kind of long, I’m gonna put it under a read more.

What was the best interaction you’ve ever had with a stranger? That’s...kind of hard.  I work in customer service so I talk to a lot of strangers.  I guess I’ll go with one that continues to amuse me to this day.  In 2007, living in NYC, I had hair to the middle of my back.  One day, I went to a salon down in the Village and I dyed it electric blue.  As I was taking the train home, I was walking down a connector hallway to change trains and some guy in a business suit walking behind me says real loud “I don’t know if you noticed, but your hair is REALLY blue.”  I turned around and went IT IS?  OMG I TOLD THEM TO GIVE ME HIGHLIGHTS!  He laughed, I laughed, it was nice.

Do you have the same religious beliefs that you had as a child? If so, why? Is not, how and why did they change? I as raised Christian.  I am no an Atheist...because of Doctor Who.  It wasn’t that the show was really atheist or anything (though some elements did work their way in courtesy of RTD).  It was just that I was watching it and I had this thought “there are so many worlds out there, and so many other lives that lived before us and will live after us.  How incredibly stupid and arrogant we must be to think we are the one true God’s chosen little planet.”  And that kind of shook down every religious belief I’d ever had.

What would your perfect room look like? Clean.  I am not a great housekeeper, so honestly if it was just clean I could work with it.  I’m pretty low maintenance about STUFF.  I would like some book cases, and some trophy cases for my funkos, and a table or desk so I can have a desktop computer.  Other than that?  I don’t really need much.

A book you love and one you didn’t. Ocean at the End of the Lane by Neil Gaiman and Murder on the Orient Express by Agatha Christie 

What three events made the biggest impact on who you are today? Moving to New York taught me it was okay to be introverted, I could still have a good time with people without being crazy outgoing all the time, and I was actually a lot happier and self sufficient when I didn’t force myself to try so hard to be social.  Dating my most recent EX left me emotionally scarred and in financial ruin.  Meeting Jenn rebuilt me, gave me the first real best friend I’ve ever had, and has pushed me to become the writer I always wanted to be.

What was the weirdest habit you had as a child? It is too embarrassing to share.

What’s something you’ve been meaning to try but haven’t gotten around to yet? Yoga

What’s something special about the place you grew up? I had a really big yard when I was a kid.  We had a trailer on a fairly big lot, so I had lots of room to run and I could get a lot of mileage out imagination.

As the last human left on earth, what would you do? Hard to say.  I’m a stubborn old bitch.  And I’d be depressed as all get out but despite it all I think I’d keep trying to live.  I’d probably die of exposure before anything else ever got me.

What do you use your post-it notes for? Honestly...I usually fold one in half if something gets stuck in my teeth at work.  That is the most common use I have for them.

What’s your favorite quote? "You don’t pass or fail as a person, dear.” - Ocean at the end of the Lane, Neil Gaiman

What is a song that you have completely memorized? -  There’s....a lot.  Most songs by P!nk.  A shit ton of Broadway.  I can probably sing Pippin all the way through without problems.

What amazing thing did you do that no one was around to see? -  I work unsupervised for 8 hours a day 40 hours a week in the customer service industry.  Most of what I do is amazing and most of it goes completely unnoticed.

What do you wish you knew more about? - Computers.  I could get a pretty decent job at my best friend’s work in Texas if I just knew more about computers.

What is your claim to “fame”? - Nowadays?  Being part of the Megstiel core fandom.  But back in the day...it was Buffy.  I got my 15 minutes there.  I worked for Dragon*Con as part of the Buffy track.  For a year, I shared almost daily emails with Scott Allie, the Head Editor of Dark Horse Comics.  He cited me as one of his favorite things about the convention in the letters to the editor section of Buffy Season 8 issue...I wanna say 4.  It had Dawn on the cover, I remember that.

What is the most annoying thing people say to you? - I just have a quick question.  It is NEVER quick.

Do you know a limerick that does not involve a man from Nantucket? - I know part of one, but only cause it was on the Crown.

If you didn’t need to sleep, what would you do with that extra time? - Read.

When was the last time you climbed a tree? - I honestly don’t remember.  Probably high school?

What do you wish your brain was better at doing? - Not spiraling.  Anything can set me off, I swear to god.  A bad email that isn’t even about me can completely tank my mood and send me into a downward spiral that means nothing productive is getting done that day.

Which of your scars has the best story behind it? - I think 99.9% of my scars are left over cat scratches.  I think you can still kind of see the spot on my knee where I fell off a moving truck when I was a teenager, but only barely.

11. What is the title of this chapter in your life story? - Home again, Home again, Jiggity Jig

WTF Now What?

If you play video games what’s your favorite, console, PC, or both? Console, totally.  I’ll play on PC if I can’t get the game on xbox easily, but it’s not ideal  I might like it better if I had a mouse

What fictional character is most like you? I have, more than once, been told that I am about equal parts Charlie Bradbury and Meg Masters (by role play partners, friends, and once...my mother).  These have been the greatest compliments I have ever received.  

Who’s your favorite fictional villain and why? Meg.  We so do not have time to talk about all the reasons she is my favorite, so I’ll sum up: She came into my life in a time when I really needed her.  In the last year of the “terrible times” I found myself repeatedly saying to myself “what would Meg do.”  Thanks to her, I was out of that situation within 6 months of finding her.

What’s your worst pet peeve? Stupid, lazy, entitled people.  Working in customer service...I get a lot of them.

If you could choose a celebrity to be stuck in an elevator with for 3 hours, who would it be? Misha Collins

If you could transform into an animal at will, which would you choose? Cat

If you could go anywhere in the world, safely and free of charge, where would you go? I think you mean where would I go FIRST because damn.  I love to travel more anything else in life.  Probably Arizona.  Just...the whole of it.  There are so many things in that state I want to see, I’d love to just take an extended road trip.

What superpower would you want if you could have one? The ability to heal people.  It’s always been what I wanted when asked this question.  I just think it would be a really good thing if I could walk into a children’s cancer ward and leave it empty of patients, you know?

If you could trade places with someone for a day and live their life, who would you be? It was very tempting to say “Vicki Vanosh” because that’s Misha’s wife but...I do not want to raise his kids even for a day, they are in the terror age.  So I guess maybe...Some random college kid, taking a road trip by herself down route 66 just to prove she can.  I’ll take her place for a day.

What’s your dream job if you could do anything you wanted and be paid well? I’d be a writer.

If you could redo one event in your life, what would it be? I would never have started dating the ex.

#survey

[sanm]

My Wings Tour Experience - Admin M

So, Admin S and I went to see BTS in Newark last night. We weren't in the pit, we had seats, but we were still decently close to the extended stage (section 21). I can honestly say this was the best concert that I have ever been to in my entire life (and I'm old by tumblr standards y'all). I'm going to try and summarize some of my feelings and things I noticed in an effort to remember and emotionally decompress. Also, shoutout to all the wonderful people we met in line and around our seats! 

First the members and their solos: 

Namjoon: 

Rap line all had hella extra intro VCRs?! But Namjoon's had a whale swimming across the screen which was a nice nod to Whalien 52 and worked well with Reflection. At the end when he says "I wish I could love myself" not only did the crowd chant back "we love you" but he changed the last one to "I wish we could love ourselves" and I got fucking emotional. The stage also rose in steps ending at the phone booth from the solo trailers, and Namjoon ended in it and Tae stepped out of it for Stigma (the solos went in the same order the trailers were released) 

Jin: 

Ok he had a four piece orchestra for his backtrack. You go child. His stage was a park and bark, so no real choreography or anything, but the stage did raise and lower when he sang "maybe I can't touch the sky" which was a nice poetic touch. He also had a really pretty back screen. I have a full version of this (you're welcome Admin An and Jess) that I'll try to post later. 

Yoongi: 

The only time there was silence was during first love. The only. Fucking. Time. I got chills. He also had a piano which was emotional, and a four piece orchestra as well (Yoongi why you gotta be so extra?) he was just so good live. I can't. 

Hoseok: 

Let me just tell y'all something: this boy is fucking radiant. He shines like the sun. Mama had the cutest choreography, and he managed a quick change on stage from a plain shirt to a shirt with a white jacket to pulling off the white jacket to have a black and silver blazer A+ good job. He also looked like he was about to cry during Mama and I think maybe because there was so much love for Hobi. Like, seriously, there were so many Jhope stans that seriously were the loudest. It made me smile. 

Jimin: 

Park Jimin fucking tests me. So, I tried to avoid spoilers as much as possible for this concert but I did see one where Jimin was blindfolded so I knew that was happening. Well, what I didn't know was that he put it on half-way. I wasn't ready. No one was ready. Also he gets lifted at the end and I swear to god Park Jimin is literally sin kakcksofkakkakfnsk. Anyways. I hate him. Moving on. 

Taehyung: 

Stigma was better live than recorded and I will fight you on this. As I mentioned earlier, he emerged from the phone booth after Namjoon entered, which was a cool effect. At the end during the "I'm sorry I'm sorry" parts he let the backtrack go on and did two hella high notes instead of just one and I just... damn that boy has range. Kim Taehyung needs more vocal lines. 

Jungkook: 

This little bias wrecking shit. He had a fuckboy dance to Begin. Also came out on a rotating turn table. Why is he so extra? But yes, the dance. It was actually a classy fuckboy dance, if that makes sense. It reminded me a lot of Rainism in style. Also I want his blazer. It was silver glitter ombré. 

Second, groups and general things I noticed:

They started with Not Today which I wasn't ready for, no one was ready for 

Bapsae is hype af live 

The crowd was SO good 

Like seriously, we were singing along to every song, even the Korean parts, and we may not have known every word but we faked it enough to where it sounded like we did. 

The boys gave us the mic a lot, which was really heartwarming because to me it meant that they trusted us enough to know their songs and not fuck up their language. Min Yoongi gave us his mic for a full rap verse, the opening rap in Blood Sweat and Tears and I just... That took so much trust.

Vocal line was precious during Lost

Rap Line looked like fucking kings during Cypher Part Four. Seriously, they were all in these nice ass velvet jackets and looked great. Cypher was also hype af and everyone yelled along 

Speaking of yelling, Kim Namjoon is precious and said he was sorry our vocal chords were going to be shot today (mine and Admin S's are, if y'all were wondering, oops) 

At the end for the encore, some great fans organized for each section to have a colored bag and everyone put them over their light stick or phone and created a rainbow ocean. I'm sure y'all have seen the pictures by now, but it was seriously beautiful. 

And Namjoon gave a speech about it, something along the lines of "it doesn't matter if you're red, yellow, blue, were all one rainbow army and we'll be together until the end" and I'm emotional 

Jin stole a pink covered army bomb to use and basically lost his shit. He was jumping up and down he was so excited 

Spring Day was beautiful 

The boys looked emotional in the final goodbyes. Jungkook took out his in-ears and I'm pretty sure he cried (baby also got an iron man plush, bless). Tae put his head down for a long time and may or may not have cried. Yoongi, Jin, and Hoseok also looked very close to tears. 

The boys said several times they couldn't believe we sold out the arena and there were this many people here 

After the ending VCR it said thank you to our wings, army, and I was emotional. 

They also had baby and trainee pictures in the ending VCR which was sweet. 

Ok but the blazers they wore for Blood Sweat and Tears looked like the wardrobe people just gave up and went to Ann Taylor

Seriously, Jungkook’s looked like something my grandma would wear to a wedding

After the concert 

So, Admin S and I were trying to find the uber zone and accidentally ended up in front of the fence where their vans were parked 

It was hella dark but three or four of them came out and waved and did hearts and we got to yell thank you, which made me feel better (I really want to have the opportunity one day to thank them for making music and being themselves. Their music has given me so much more than I can explain). But then we got yelled off the fence by a lady that worked there which tbh was kinda rude because we were being very respectful. No one was pushing, trying to climb the fence, or yelling anything inappropriate. But anyways. 

And then, when we were trying to find where our uber was picking us up, we got to where the vans were coming out and got to wave off the vans, which was nice. It was closure, in a way. 

All in all, it was seriously the best night of my life and I am so grateful that I got to see them live. Thank you BTS. <3

#admin m #bts #bangtan #bts wings #bts Newark #wings tour #bangtan sonyeondan #rap monster #jin #suga #jhope #jimin #v #jungkook #namjoon #seokjin #yoongi #hoseok #bts wings tour

[boaws]

BOAWS Top Records of 2016

Welp, I finally got around to doing something on here and finishing up my top 20 records of the year list. Wooooo. Anyway, activity around here has been slim, I know that, but unfortunately work and all that crap has gotten in the way a little more than I'd like. Hopefully the coming year will see a bit more reviews and maybe even a podcast or two if time allows. Who knows. But for now, BOAWS is still going and will not go anywhere. Without further hesitation, here is my top 20 recordsof the year. Have a good one. 20 – Spit-Take – Frog Rock (Ice Age) Real quick and to the point indie-rock jams from this Connecticut group. Caught my attention with their first full-length not all that long ago and then followed it up nicely with this second, and even better, helping of songs. Definitely a nod or two to the plentiful 90's indie-rock heritage of bands that focused more on the quirkier aspects of the sound like maybe Archers of Loaf or Sebadoh, thanks to instances of unpredictably that waver between some emotionally charged slower numbers to jolting aggressive bursts that burn brightly for roughly a minute or so and then leave before you know it. Interesting album in approach and songwriting, but isn't short of on the solid tunes. Spit-Take – Awful Long (stream) BUY IT! 19 – Youth Code – Commitment to Complications (Dais) I can see why people wouldn't particularly like this, especially those that would consider themselves very involved industrial enthusiasts (whatever the fuck that means), but I've never really been the biggest cheerleader of industrial music in general. I have nothing against it, and I like my fair share actually, it's just that I'm particularly picky. Youth Code, for all intents and purposes, probably aren't even really an industrial band...as they seemingly just bust out really harsh music that propel out of the stereo like hardcore music with drum machines and stuff. That's basically what I think the goal is, and probably why I'm as in tune with it as I am...since yet again, it's hardcore music and it's unwavering in its approach for better or for worse. Thankfully, to these ears, it's often for the better and for the duration of Commitment to Complications, it chugs and beats its way through songs that will fluctuate in sheer ugliness, but no less leave some sort of impression. Cathartic of sorts in its, occasionally over the top, aggression. But I'm digging it, big gross warts and all. Youth Code – Glass Splitter (stream) BUY IT! 18 – Fake Limbs – Matronly (Don Giovanni) It seems almost unbelievable that these guys haven't popped up on a previous best of list of mine, as their two albums prior to this one were both fantastic pieces of noisy, yet intricately designed noise-rock of sorts. There are plenty of bands that turn and choose to ravage the already fairly stripped mines of Chicago/Midwestern based noise-rock/math-rock, but Fake Limbs are a band that seems to get it more so than most. There doesn't need to be a strictly adhered sense of nostalgia here, there CAN be some fun to be had with it, which is one of the brightest spots to this band. Just by song titles/theme alone, you can gather that they can easily poke fun of themselves, just as much as the whole entire musical landscape of which they proudly occupy. In the process, they do it with being nothing short of riff monsters, slinging fuzzy goodness and shaping it in ways that have only been heard few and far between before. There is skill here, which is often disregarded when coming up with rock music that is simply designated and designed to be “noisy”. Fake Limbs have been ripping apart the idyllic stagnation of noise-rock one album at a time, and Matronly is just the latest and greatest of their efforts. Fake Limbs – Lil Bit (stream) BUY IT! 17 – Multicult – Position Remote (Reptilian) Multicult are certainly no stranger to these pages, as pretty much every album of theirs has absolutely destroyed in some way or another. Scarily consistent they are, which is why Position Remote is popping up here because it hardly deters from what has made the band so great. Skilled musicians doing interesting and actually strangely catchy things with the mathier side of the rock equation. It's hard to do, yet Multicult have been pumping out tunes that zig-zag in ways that could easily cause bouts of dizziness. To me, they've always shared the same quality mind unraveling aesthetic of the great Table, which in my opinion released one of the greatest and unheralded math-rock albums ever. So, for Multicult to have the same kind of craftsmanship and melodic sensibility as a band like that, says plenty of their music. It's not too late to get on board with this, as there are plenty of prior albums to dig and chew through if this one happens to hit that sweet spot. Multicult – Tesseract (stream) BUY IT! 16 – Bruxa Maria – Human Condition (Extreme Ulimate) First time hearing of the band Bruxa Maria and the label that put out their record Extreme Ulimate, which after hearing Human Condition is eerily accurate to what is portrayed here. Going through my list of favorite records this year, it actually turned out to be a pretty solid year for noise-rock, which I'd thought had been kind of suffering for the past couple years or so (probably longer). Between Bruxa Maria and that new Conduit EP, there may be hope yet! With Human Condition they come out with a bit of a red herring with the tune “The Hipsters and the Heathens”, which seems like some innocuous ramped up noise-punk, but quickly runs into the next track “Socially Cleansed” wherein that notion is immediately dispelled with jarring blasts of noise/distortion and electronics before locking into a grotesque distorted groove. The overall aggressive nature of this one is impressive, and is no less matched by vocalist Gill Dread, who screams and wails over this entire mess with little regard of the destruction that is likely being placed on her vocal chords. Dedication if there ever was such a thing. Bruxa Maria – Human Condition (stream) BUY IT! 15 – Behavior – 375 Images of Angels (Iron Lung) Interesting addition to the plentiful catalog of quality Iron Lung releases, Behavior takes on the minimalist side of post-punk to relatively decent results. Understandably, I don't think a lot of people really dug this record very much, but for whatever reason the unevenness of everything taking place on 375 Images of Angels seems to gel with me musically and personally I suppose. Behavior seem uncomfortable on every level of what they are doing, but do it in a manner that tries to maintain some type of freedom or outsider rock. I'm not sure, but it's the uncomfortable tendencies that draw me in and they sound pretty exhausted doing it. Have I reached that level yet? Possibly, but I envision Behavior and this album as my ultimate landing spot of pure disdain for everything around me. Overall, the songs range between sparse post-punk to compositions that come surprisingly fleshed out, but writhe in a distinct chill that still feels terribly rigid and tense. Good album, although I'd be shocked if we hear another from them. Behavior – 78 (stream) BUY IT! 14 – No Sister – No Sister (Self-Released) They have a song on this album called “This Heat”, which I feel like is more than just a reflection on a moment of sweltering weather outside for one or more band members, despite what the lyrics may suggest. Listening to No Sister, it's not at all out of the question that they got just a touch of their influence from the great avant-rock/experimental giants This Heat. While notably more tuneful and less experimental than This Heat ever were, No Sister strive for a sound that is similarly harbored in the deteriorated sounds of such a world, but skirting and lurking around in the dark depths of NYC no-wave shadows like Sonic Youth, Live Skull, DNA, or Band of Susans. Pretty much every song here is anchored by a heavily driving bass roll, while the jangle and squall of the guitars do the rest here. Very cool record that serves as a very nice flashback to a small sect of time where music like this was flourishing. No Sister – Making Wheels Spin (Louder Than Words) (stream) BUY IT! 13 – Lazy Legs – Visiondeath (Wild Patterns) There has always got to be one record that roots itself in shoegaze yesteryear that I will fall in love with, and this year it happens to be Visiondeath from the Chicago based Lazy Legs. Obviously I'm not going to sit here and try and kid anyone into thinking that this album is by any means some sort of genre altering excursion, because it's certainly not, however Lazy Legs do all the things right with Visiondeath that you'd pretty much want to hear out of a record of this nature. Taking a very similar approach to peers Cheatahs and implementing a fuzzier/grungier type of rock element sound allows it to be every bit as dreamy as it needs to be while still being able to maintain a bit of an alternative/rock edge that helps fill out of the sound and fulfills the small hole of proper noise that is always welcome but often sorely missed in a lot of modern shoegaze. Lazy Legs – Snaketeeth (stream) BUY IT! 12 – Human Hands – Morning Sun (Time as a Color / Strictly No Capital Letters) Still is somewhat of a shock that these guys are from the UK, because Morning Sun sounds so much like the great midwesterny slowcore/emo that was pretty common in the 90's. I probably spouted the same shit when I actually wrote about this record (one of the very few I motivated myself to do this past year) a handful of months ago. But whatever, it's true. These dudes are pulling all the right strings of the Codeine/Bedhead/C-Clamp area of things and don't make me want to fall asleep while listening to it, which is a real achievement...because lord there were a lot of bands like this that were just flat out fucking boring. I still haven't went back and listened to their prior album, which from what I understand is a bit different than this one, but if they decide to continue with this trajectory of sadness, then I'm on board. Keep being miserable guys, it's working. Human Hands – Cell (stream) BUY IT! 11 – Blue Smiley – Return (Self-Released) I've listened to a couple or so albums by Blue Smiley prior to this one and none of them really ever stuck, but from the get go of Return things were noticeably different. There is just something so effortlessly otherworldly to their music that kind of nestles itself between the norms of indie-rock and the jangly fuzzy nature of shoegaze, but doesn't quite fit in comfortably with either of them. It's odd. However there was something always in the back of my mind with Blue Smiley and Return that I knew it sounded vaguely like something that I've heard before, and then it finally struck me...they bare a bit of a resemblance to the underrated 12 Rods. I don't know, I think it's just the same kind of garish melodic choices that get me. Certainly fuzzier and warmer sounding, Blue Smiley are about as easy/breezy as it gets on Return, catapulting off of the basis of jangle-pop and ending up somewhere in fucking space. Really good record folks. Blue Smiley – Spin (stream) BUY IT! 10 – Horse Jumper of Love – Horse Jumper of Love (Disposable America) Lately Boston has been very rich on indie-rock that prides itself on appearing carefree/slacker-esque, however under all the posturing is a noticeable amount of nervous/anxiety ridden folks making music. It's been kind of glorious in a way, as bands like Pile have really taken to it like no other. However there are plenty of others to be found within that scene that are making similarly incredible/captivating music, and Horse Jumper of Love is one of those. It's easiest to think of them as a drowsy/sleepier version of Pile or Fat History Month, sounding as if they are occasionally medicated to some degree to help relax or reflect, whichever. While still sharing much of the same off-kilter note bending that much of their contemporaries feature, Horse Jumper of Love obviously have desires to be somewhere not heavily populated and stress free. The feeling of exhaustion within the album is heavy, but it's entirely relatable and they convey very well through songs that feel of desolation, isolation, and having to apologize for who we are. Horse Jumper of Love – DIRT (stream) BUY IT! 09 – Giant Peach – Tarantula (Don Giovanni) I know I mentioned it in my initial write up of this record, but I was thoroughly surprised to know Giant Peach was still a band. After releasing a single that I enjoyed about four or five years ago, they ultimately seemed to disappear, only to pop up out of nowhere with this fantastic record on Don Giovanni. Surprised in the best way possible I guess. Really, from what I can remember from that single, not a whole lot has changed in terms of approach on Tarantula, maybe just a bit tighter and ever so slightly more polished. However, if catchy throwback indie-rock is your type of thing then this record absolutely brings it. “Deserted” is easily in my top songs of the year, as its essentially a masterpiece of crunchy fuzz and melody. Any band that cut something as good as that wins my respect any day of the week. Thankfully Tarantula doesn't just tease with that song alone and reels off a bunch of other solid tunes that are of near ear worm quality. Hell, at least if the band decides to disappear for years again, they'll have at least released this fantastic slice. Giant Peach – Deserted (stream) BUY IT! 08 – Spray Paint – Feel the Clamps (Goner) Spray Paint have always been a band that kind of makes their living reveling in the darker corners of the world, however it's always been kind of a vague sense of ominous behavior or a sneaking suspicion of something amiss. On the Feel the Clamps the band decided to go all in on that aspect of their sound and what is created is a very lurid and scary mess of post-punk that rattles its way through eleven tracks. It's apparent that this record didn't quite go over as well as some of their earlier releases, and I feel like the absolute focus on moving into a more sinister space probably had something to do with that, or it's also possible that this record just isn't as good. But nonetheless, I'm a fan and it's a record that I envision towns like Big Tuna in Wild at Heart being the entire inspiration for or the sort of record that Chop Top from TCM 2 would make if he were a musician. Just entirely creepy from start to finish and the hammer like bass just never ever quits, even when the guitars seemingly fall apart or deteriorate into whatever bizarre black hole they initially crawled out of. Spray Paint – Burn Barrel (stream) BUY IT! 07 – Notches – High Speed Crimes (Cat Dead Details Later & Young Modern) Heard High Speed Crimes at the very beginning of the year and it still holds up. On top of that it produced one of my absolute favorite songs of the year with “Cure for Feeling Cool”, which is entirely too catchy and exceeds at being sort of an anthemic blast of, dare I say it, fuzzed out pop/punk? Either way, it's reigned in and self-aware enough to not become cheesy or overbearing, Notches are simply about good fun, high energy, and songs to match. The completely open guitars make for an extremely loud and noisier affair than the typical slick sounding bullshit that seems to gestate from this area of things, as High Speed Crimes delves into the sloppiness and gritty nature that Jawbreaker showed signs of in their earlier material. No matter, Notches harness a type of energy here that translates into an extremely fun album. Notches – Don't Care About You (stream) BUY IT! 06 – Animal Faces – Other Places (Self-Released) I listened to this record earlier this year without any kind of knowledge that this was the same Animal Faces that I'd heard like five or so years ago with their 7-inch Analytical Dreaming. As you can imagine, the reason being that they sound entirely fucking different from what they did then. The band I remember was a decent, but not overly inspiring post-hardcore/emo band. I mean, I kind of forgot about the single altogether, so that should tell you something right there. Apparently they'd been popping out a single or something of similar degree every year since but I failed to follow. I'm not sure if the trajectory on those records would have foresaw this or not, but Other Places is practically a record from a different band. What is found here though is very good and if it took years to get to this, then it's been well worth it. Animal Faces have adapted a very loose, easy going form of indie-rock that weaves in and out of odd harmonies and melodies for the majority of it. Sometimes it turns things up a bit and gets a fair bit noisy/fuzzy in an 90's alternative kind of way, but for the most part things are more or less centered on the sleepier/exasperated type of indie-rock that isn't too far from what Pile have been doing. In fact, the singers vocals sound eerily similar at times...along with some of the guitar tones. Can't really blame them though, it's working, and Animal Faces seem to be taking it in a bit more of a straight forward rock/emo territory, which kind of fits back with their roots anyway. Really odd way to end up liking a record, but I'll take it however I can get it these days. Animal Faces – Halfgrown (stream) BUY IT! 05 – Tongues - I Really Have to Get My Life Back on Track Before I Cut All My Hair Off (Moniker) Feels good to have a local band this far up on the list. Tongues are a duo from Kansas City that have undoubtedly spent a lot of time with some Godflesh, Big Black, and early Swans records at some point during their brief lives. The first song is called “We Live Under a Bridge”, and if I'd not already seen these guys, then I'd be inclined to almost believe that. The music, if you haven't already gathered, is of the grotesquely loud and monotonous pounding variety...employing added abuse from a drum machine that ranges from a slow breathe knocked out of your chest force or the speedier punk ADD fueled sounds that echo back to Mr. Ablini's earlier ventures. Honestly the drum machine plays a large roll into the success of this record, as the sound they get out of it is fantastically cheesy and dated that it works so well with what they are doing. Like they pulled it out of a dumpster somewhere, fired that piece of shit up and made some music. Indecipherable vocals are added to the mix, which only make things that more delightfully muddied and/or terrifying. Pretty excited to know these dudes are in my backyard of sorts. Tongues – Killing (stream) BUY IT! 04 – Exploded View – Exploded View (Sacred Bones) Late addition to the list, as this is probably the last great record of 2016 that I managed to hear, despite it likely coming out months ago. That's the way I operate now folks. Exploded View are a group featuring Annika Henderson, political journalist turned musician after her collaborative effort with Geoff Barrow. With Exploded View she takes her deep and somewhat breathy spoken word vocal style and pairs it up with the pulsating rhythms of cold post-punk and no-wave. Occasionally surrounding the rolling bass lines with a flurry of guitar hum/rattle, most of the work here is definitely being handled on the low-end. The real achievement for Exploded View lies in the atmosphere that is given by the record, as it's certainly a mood piece in many ways. It's cold, but not entirely lifeless...but also feels like the musings of the sole survivor drifting in a lost space station somewhere. The bleeps, bloops, and chimes that often crop up throughout only go to solidify this type of mood. “Lark Descending” is essentially staring out the port hole into complete nothingness, but boiled down into the musical equivalent. Exploded View seem to capture a bit of a noir feel throughout the album, but never fully latch on to it or go too deep with it. As much as it tends to rattle the walls, it's also very easy to let your mind drift to this one...an album that undoubtedly engulfs the listener from the very first notes. Exploded View – No More Parties in the Attic (stream) BUY IT! 03 – Wrong – Wrong (Relapse) Go ahead and give me all the shit you want about this one, but I'll go to bat for this record any day of the week. Wrong delivered the best heavy rock album there was to be this year with a set of songs that revel in full on taco riff glory. A lot of my love for this record goes back to simpler times when bands like Helmet, Tad, and Fudge Tunnel were the light of my life. Some of that desire to listen to those bands has survived...despite Page Hamilton's very best efforts to ruin anything good there ever was about Helmet. What Wrong do with their debut album is pretty much take all the best aspects of that era of rock/alternative and make a whole fucking album out of it. What's not to like? It's obviously not going to win any awards for originality, but there also hasn't been a record that sounded this good, that is of similar nature, since any one of those aforementioned bands were still releasing (meaningful) records. All in all, Wrong is pretty much a goldmine of riffy goodness and if you're like me and get WAY too excited about bands like Paw doing a one off show somewhere, then this album is for you. Wrong – Fake Brain (stream) BUY IT! 02 – Autolux – Pussy's Dead (30th Century & Columbia) Aside from being wonderful musicians, Autolux are also a group of the absolute best procrastinators. At least that's what I like to think, but there is probably a lot more to it than that...like you know...actually writing songs and stuff. However, whatever it may be, Autolux have become synonymous with the term “glacial pace”, as they've squeezed out 3 albums over the period of roughly 13 years. Their debut Future Perfect, in itself, had long been anticipated prior to its release in 2004 (unsurprisingly one of my favorite albums of that year). While 2010's Transit Transit was a bit of disappointment from my perspective, I thought Pussy's Dead was going to lead down the same path, but it didn't take very long to warm up to this one. I was hoping for something different and that's what I got with Pussy's Dead, although I thought it might be more of a return to the more rock version that had graced their debut. Instead Autolux threw me for a loop and pushed further into the electronic/dub/experimental side of things. In fact, when listening to Pussy's Dead there is very little in terms of actual “guitar” here...just a lot of bass, synth, and cut/chopped electronic fuckery, From what I understand, their stage setup for their live show is pretty impressive/daunting. Autolux has always operated within the dreamier side of rock/pop, and despite the push towards more electronics/beats, they still manage to come off as the orbiting spacey presence that they've always been, just in a very regrouped form. A song like “Brainwasher” is the type that bores its way into our skull and never ever leaves...it's brutally heavy in a way that most people wouldn't even begin to think of. There are aspects of this that remind me of the atmospheric qualities that are shared on HTRK's Psychic 9-5 Club, but not on the same level of minimalism. Honestly, this one gets better with each listen, and I know that's a pretty cliched phrase, but for once I think it's actually true. Shoot me. Autolux – Brainwasher (stream) BUY IT! 01 – Sigh Down One – Memory is Short Longing (IFB & L'oeil du Tigre) This was another album that I wasn't even sure was actually ever going to happen. The band had been trickling out digital only singles since around 2013 or so and the updates were pretty far and few between. Plus, I'm pretty certain that the majority of the members all play in different bands too. So yeah, this one was definitely nice to see arrive this year as I'd greatly enjoyed the little bits and pieces that they'd floated out there. The debut Memory is Short Longing is on one hand a throwback to the grungier alternative days of the 90's, but it's balanced out with the heftiness of bass heavy fuzzy tones that land them also in the good graces of shoegaze fans too. The band is almost as if Lush had opted for more distortion as opposed to heading down the Cocteau Twins ethereal path. The melodies are obviously the selling point with Sigh Down One, every song is just loaded down to the gills with them and tonally is strikingly heavy at times too...one slip up and it's easy to envision the band becoming a sludge-rock/doom act. No shit, things are that thick and syrupy here. I give them kudos, they did everything right here, nuanced to a tee and catchy as hell. Sigh Down One – Lake (stream) BUY IT!

#best of #top 20

[loveshaunixo]

Bambino

“A woman becomes a mother when she finds out she is pregnant”

I’m not exactly sure when I conceived, but I knew who the father was: Kevin. Especially because of the fact he was the only one I was having sex with at the same time. We were friends though, we just so happened to hook up sometimes. Okay, it was often, haha. But we were comfortable and trusted each other enough that we stuck with each other instead of having a different partner. We were pretty good about either using condoms or him pulling out and finishing himself into a towel. But, the one damn time he didn’t have a condom nor pulled out in time… I ended up getting pregnant. That’s right guys, I was pregnant at one time a few years ago.

When I found out I was pregnant, it was estimated I was about eight or nine weeks a long. So yeah, definitely knew it was Kevin’s. Later that afternoon, I called my brothers to hang out, and they came over. We hung out at the house all afternoon and evening, so when it started getting more into the night, and it was the weekend, my brothers had the idea to go get a few beers or bottles and do a ‘sit and sip.’ Which is basically just sitting around “the table” and having a game night, or just talking and socializing while drinking. Hell, what would have made that night better is if we had a bonfire going.

They were asking what I wanted to drink, and I had told them I wasn’t going to drink, but I still wanted to hang out and chill. My older brother knew me better… he knew I don’t turn down “drinking with the boys,” which was true. He kept giving me a weird look so I asked him “what?!” And his response: “you? Not drink? Are you pregnant?” I froze and was shocked. Yeah, I was but I was shocked that that was the first thing to mind. But, at the same time, I shouldn’t have been because my older brother and I had always had the type of bond where we could basically read each other and each other’s minds. It freaked the others out actually. Lol.

“Wellllllllllll....” hey, might as well tell them now. My older brother basically knew without me confirming, so the cat was pretty much of the bag at this point. “Actually, I am pregnant.” Our little brother looked up at me and just stared, my older brother had already been looking my way, so he just continued to stare. I couldn’t read his face though, for the first time… I didn’t know if he was disappointed, happy for me, mad, or what.

“Whaaaaaaaaaat?!” My little brother was still pretty shocked. I had always been the careful one, and they knew my thoughts about children. Not that I didn’t like them, I just believed when it came for me to be mother that I would be married, or at least in a committed relationship with the father. But, the father was going to end up being a friend of mine who I really could NOT see myself dating, in all honestly. He was a decent guy, and VERY attractive, but we just didn’t click on that kind of level. He was basically a friends with benefits, but we also had an legit and sincere friendship outside the sex. Hell, when I had knee surgery this guy would call and check on me on his breaks at work, and there was a few times he stopped by my house on his way home from work.

Well, that’s when I ended up telling them about Kevin and everything. At the end of the night, they were both happy for me. They especially loved the fact of being uncles. So they were sitting and talking about what they wanted to do as uncles and were even cracking jokes of the different things they would teach the kid to annoy me. *eye roll* brothers, huh? Haha.

The next day, I knew I had to tell Kevin. I was going to when I found out, but I was still processing it myself and wanted a night with my brothers. So I showered and got dressed, and texted Kevin telling him we needed to talk. He was originally suppose to be off, but he had went in to cover a co-worker so he could have an day off the following week for a day trip he needed to make. But he had told me that he could make the time to talk via text, or if it was real important that he would be home that evening around dinner time. So we agreed to meet up after dinner.

* * * * *

“I’d rather do it by myself than with someone who doesn’t want to do it at all” -Unknown

Well… I didn’t end up seeing Kevin that night. He actually never replied to texts or calls when we were suppose to meet. Found out a few days later that he actually gotten high with his dealer and he was making runs for him that night. Yeah, got blown off so he could be a drug dealer’s little errand boy. What really pissed me off… is when I found what exactly his drug dealer was dealing and what he was “running.” I assumed it was pot, I knew Kevin smoked pot and I was okay with that. I mean come on, I was a pothead myself so I had no room to talk about someone else smoking. What he was really getting high off when he was with his dealer, and “running” for him… was meth.

Yup, ended up getting pregnant by a damn meth user who was also a dealer’s right hand. In my defense, I really did NOT know that’s what he was doing. He hid it very well. Hell, he played it off well like Walt did in Breaking Bad, haha. I know, bad joke. When we finally ended up meeting up to finally talk, this dumbass showed up high. I didn’t smell pot on him and he definitely didn’t smell like cologne as if he would’ve tried to cover the smell. So it left me to assume he was high off his own stash. We argued about him being high, and I had tried to leave but he grabbed my hand and was apologizing and begging me to stay. He asked me what I wanted to talk about and said if it was that important that we obviously needed to. He tried to play serious, but I could see the amusement on his face. He was the goofy type when he was high… that was made clear.

I told him how I started feeling that led me to the idea of possibly being pregnant, so I took three home tests and that two of the three were positive; the third was faint but it was more on the positive side. I did clarify that I had not been to the doctor’s yet at this point but that I had an appointment already scheduled for a few days later that same week.

He was a little distant for the next few days, still to this day don’t know why. He would reply to my messages but he was short, and not as quick with his responses. I don’t know if he was just keeping me at a distance until we knew for sure from a doctor that I was pregnant so he didn’t get too emotionally attached to the idea, still trying to figure out how he felt at all about it, if he was going to be the type to say it’s not his that it was someone else’s or what. He was not communicating well with me at all. That’s kind of when I started preparing myself mentally that I might end up being a single parent and doing it on my own.

It was confirmed that I was pregnant, and the estimation I had done was pretty spot on. Damn, I’m good, haha. So it was definitely Kevin’s. (Told you so) -- Because of the last time him and I met to talk, I didn’t really want to see him. Plus I assumed he was going to give me some excuse about how he wouldn’t be able to meet to talk about the doctor’s appoint due to how he had been acting. Low and behold, I called it… he did make up some excuse. He said “he was busy, and we could talk later.” Yup, definitely was going to prepare myself to join The Single Moms Club. Knowing he had a child on the way, he shouldn’t have blown me off. Discussing the child should have been a priority. If he would have been at work, that is one thing. But I knew he wasn’t, plus he would have said so. I will give him that… he was pretty honest. He never really did lie to me. Or, if he was at some point, I legitimately never knew. Ha.

When we finally were able to talk, we had agreed to meet up and talk about the doctor’s appointment. We agreed to meet at the park, because it was a nice night at that time of the year. I hadn’t even gotten out of my car before he comes staggering over. Either he was drunk, high off his ass, or both. I roll the window and asked what his deal was. He tried to play it off as he had nearly tripped that’s why he was off-balance. Okay, whatever. First time he lied to me, and it was over something stupid as that.

I told him we needed to set a plan that we both agreed with, since we did not live together nor were in a relationship. So go figure that there would need to be “drop off meeting spots,” or if he would want me to take the baby over there, or him come and get the baby. That’s when he ended up telling me that there would be issues with him getting his time because he had apparently taken up a side job that required him to go to New Mexico when he wasn’t working at the primary job. At first I didn’t think much of it… I just thought he got another job so he could still afford to survive plus be able to help me financially take care of a child.

Y’all… brace yourselves for this next part…

Long story short, his side job was him being a mule for his drug dealer and making runs to New Mexico to pick up meth. OH FUCK NO. I told him I wasn’t going to tolerate that, and his smart ass twisted it and made it seem like I was getting mad about him not having his time. No, I was mad at the fact his little job was being a drug mule and he really thought that shit was okay when you have a kid on the way. So he ended up saying, and I quote: “well if spending time is that big of a deal I can always take the kid with me and he can just sleep in the carseat in the back seat when it was going down. Uhm, excuse me? What the fuck? I was legitimately shocked at what the fuck this dude was saying. I still, to this day, remember the rest of that conversation. “You’ve got to be kidding me, you really did not just say that…” I was still in shock. “What? Either I take the baby with me after it’s born or I don’t get my time that day and would have to do it some other day” he replied. “Honestly, knowing that, I don’t think you deserve any time” I said nonchalantly. I knew I came off cold, but hey, his idea was more fucked up than me being cold.“I have to make money to afford a kid, and you want me to spend time with the kid” he said sarcastically. “It’s not just about wanting you to spend time with your kid. It’s YOUR kid, so half the responsibilities are on you too. I’m not the only one who made this baby, so did you. So I am not doing all of the work.” I responded sternly. I really didn’t believe in being a single parent, I believed if two people made a kid then both people needed to actively put forth the effort and what it took to take care of a kid. I knew I needed to step up, and I was going to… but so did he.“Not my fault you’re not being smart and on birth control” I remember thinking, ‘what the fuck? Did he really just say that to me?’ “Excuse me? It takes two to tango buddy. You could’ve easily used a condom just as much as I could’ve been on birth control. We’re both in the wrong for not being safe.” I said, looking him in the eyes. I was getting pissed off, the amount of stupidity coming out of his mouth was too much.

How he had been speaking to me, I knew he didn’t just “trip” when he got out of his car, he was high off meth. I already knew how he acted when he was high from smoking pot, but this was different. He was being mean as hell, and so disrespectful. So I decided to just tell him fuck it, and that he wouldn’t need to worry about it because clearly I was going to be on my own. I went to start my Jeep back up and then all of a sudden he’s trying to crawl through the window to hug me. I was confused, but had told him to get off of me. I drove him, and I couldn’t help but be pretty upset at the fact that he was legitimately happy that I had told him not worry about the baby. The fact the conversation went the way it did, and how he had been distant, I realized he truly did not care that he was about to have a kid. He was cold and heartless about the whole thing. This was definitely not the Kevin I knew… he wasn’t the same Kevin I met and became close friends with.

* * * * *

As the weeks went on, Kevin and I barely talked. When he was sober he would be nice and talk to me, ask me how I was feeling and try to make small jokes to relieve some tension. But I was still so mad about everything, and the fact that he was only nice to me and wanted to talk when he was sober. When he had been high off the meth, he was a cold, heartless asshole. He was a completely different person, and I just got to the point I was tired of the back and forth, and dealing with basically two different personalities from the same one person.I continued to plan and think of what all I wanted to do in the extra room. My mom and I were going to turn our extra room into the nursery, so I was trying to decide on a theme and make a list of all the ‘must-haves’ that I knew I would need for when I would get released after delivery.

Few days later, I found out I was going to be having a boy. I was happy, and definitely so were my brothers. Lord, I knew I was going to be in for one hell of a ride and life was about to get very interesting.

“We were going to have a baby, but we had an angel instead…”

One morning, I woke up with some serious pain. I could hardly move or get out of bed. When I finally was able to get myself up and bare with the pain enough to walk, I went into the bathroom. I had so much pressure in my back, on my stomach, and I was in some bad pain.I sat on the toilet and tried to go; Lord, I was in so much pain. Finally, I felt liquid, but something was off… it felt a little too thick to be just urine. I ended up standing up when I was done, and looked back into the toilet. There was so.. much.. blood..

I saw clumps in the toilet that when looking closely I could tell it was part of a fetus; and when I wiped, there was blood clots coming out. I started panicking, and called for my mom. She came in and saw all the blood and the toilet paper. She went to go get me a pad to wear in my panties, and took me to the emergency room.I get pulled into a room quickly, surprisingly, and they did some lab work. After getting the lab results, he wanted to do an ultrasound to see if there was even still a baby because I had lost so much tissue, and there was so much blood and clots. --- Eventually a nurse came and got me with a wheelchair and pushed me to the ultrasound room. I had to wait in the hall for a bit, apparently one room was being used already and the other had not been “opened” up yet, so they were still waiting for the machine and computers to start up and do their thing. I was maybe in the hall for ten, fifteen minutes when the Tech came out and got me.

Laying on the bed, I don’t know… I can’t really explain how I felt. The entire time I had been hoping that everything would be okay and the baby was okay. But as I laid there and looked up at the ceiling, I felt a presence that I didn’t know, but it felt familiar. Suddenly, my Grampie came to my mind, and my Grampie had died when I was still a baby. But hearing the stories about him, apparently I was real close to him as a baby and was his favorite. Ha.The Tech told me the computer was being slow and she was waiting for the program to start up fully before doing the ultrasound. I guess I had dozed off, because I remember images coming to my mind of my Grampie. He was standing there cradling something in his arms, and as I got closer, he let his arms down to reveal a sleeping baby boy.

I woke up to the Tech asking me if I was okay and ready to start. I wanted to tell her there was no point because honestly, after that dream, I knew there was not going to be a baby there. At that moment, I knew I had lost the baby and I fought back the tears. But I let her do her job anyways.After a while I was taken back to my room and that’s when I broke down and cried. My mom asked me what was wrong, so I had told her what just happened. Finally, the doctor came in and long story short, he confirmed that I had lost the baby. This doctor was sensitive and empathetic about this situation though, he tried to be blunt but still find a sensitive way to say I lost the baby when he came in. He stayed for a moment, and I saw the sad look on his face. He apologized for my loss, and told me that his nurse would take care of me.

The nurse was very comforting, and made sure I was comfortable given the circumstance. She also was real quick about getting my prescriptions to me, and having my discharge papers made up to give to me. Because I had loss so much blood and tissue, the doctor didn’t find any reason to do an D&C. So he had prescribed me medication for pain, nausea, and to be sure that “everything was out of my system,” he prescribed me a medication that is for miscarriages. Don’t remember what it was called.

I finally got discharged and went home. When I got home, I just went straight to my room and lied down. I didn’t turn on the t.v, didn’t pull back the black out curtains, so I was in complete darkness and silence. I needed it… at that point, I was emotionally and mentally not okay. I didn’t want to talk to Kevin, let alone see him. But I felt like it was only right to let him know, despite the fact he didn’t care. But, at least I could say I tried and did keep in contact with him about the baby. His only response was: “I’m busy, we’ll talk later.” But we never spoke it. Actually, not once did he ever check on me or ask if I was okay. 

* * * * *

I didn’t tell anyone else. The only other ones who knew were my parents. The fucked up thing too… I actually ended up miscarrying right on mother’s day. So that’s what made it a little more painful and a “slap to my face” from God, Life, whatever…

The next day, my best guy friend Jeremy came over. He always knew when something was wrong me, like my older brother did. So he asked me what was wrong. He already knew about the pregnancy, but he didn’t know I had miscarried. So I told him what happened. He was there for me of course, and stayed by my side all day. Took me to lunch, drove around with me listening to music, just trying to get my mind off everything and at least make me happy; even if it was just for a day.

The first time my brothers had came over since miscarrying, I told them what happened. They were upset too. While hanging out with them, my best friend Steven had called me and when I answered he had jokingly said “what’s up momma to be?” It hurt, and I got silent. That’s when he knew something was up and asked me what was wrong. So I told him too. He apologized and said he didn’t know, but of course he didn’t know. I wasn’t mad that he said that, like I said, he didn’t know. We talked on the phone for a bit, then he hung up because he was at work. He wanted to hang out when he got back to town that’s why he had called. Which we did.

Him, Jeremy and my two brothers were all there for me while I dealt with the pain. So was my friend Red. And it was moments like that that reminded me why I was proud to say I had the friends that I did. Because they were always there for me and had my back. They kept me strong as I dealt with the emotions of the loss.

It took a while to get over. Even to this day it still gets to me, especially when seeing pregnancy announcements, or seeing people complain about their kids. It definitely bothered me when you see people who don’t deserve to be parents, become parents. I’ve even see people complain about kids and say they never want to have kids because of what reasons they would list, and then end up with a kid. The most irritating one is when girls who couldn’t even be a good parent to one kid, keep having more and repeating the same mistakes. So many ungrateful and undeserving people becoming parents so easily, and there I was… still trying to get through the pain of losing my son.

“You’re never really ready to hear there’s no heartbeat. But stay strong because life goes on and it’s nobody’s fault.” - Elisabetta Canalis

#pregnancyloss miscarriage bambino son singlemomsclub angelbaby

[amykate96]

[part 8 - 26/10/2019]

It’s been a while I guess

So much so that I had to hunt down the last part to figure out where I was.

so update, me and my mum now live with my gran, which is… I don’t know. It is what it is. She’s 87, nearly 88 with memory problems and has a stubborn attitude, my mums a 50 year old alcoholic, and I’m a 23 year old hermit who has ever growing anxiety problems thanks to this house… which is just … great.

So lets back track.

My mum and my step-dad were still drinking everyday, using each other as their excuse of course, cause what else are they gonna do? Rightfully admit they have problems with drinking and go and get help? I don’t think so. They were arguing alot, normally petty things. “Well hes doing this, don’t you think that’s selfish”? “well your mother wants this, so I’ll do it cause I don’t want her to leave” (because let’s add guilt tripping and side playing onto me from both of them into the mix as well). Now my step-dad made it very clear that he didn’t want us to go, he loves mum and he Isn’t as bad as she’s making out, yadda yadda yadda. And she’s made it very clear that shes going (not forgetting she has a guy on the side that she still hasn’t told him about). Now here’s the thing, he doesn’t wash, change his clothes, doesn’t want to get out of bed, doesn’t take any medication doctors prescribe him, gets drunk every day which he says is because of “boredom” and forms and unhealthy attachment to, not really my mother, but the feeling of people being in the house, (seeing as he doesn’t bother coming out to talk to those people). What does all this sound like to you I wonder… If you tell him to go to the doctors for it however, he’ll just tell you your'e being stupid. And mum is just selfish and emotionally manipulative, but hey ho, we new that already.

In between this and us moving, I have a weird mid-life crisis. I had had arguments with 2 different friends, petty reasons, but it was due to happen, previous tension and all that, and because of the arguing, and it turning into winter, I felt so… empty. I wanted to move away, but I couldn’t afford it, I wanted to get a new job, but I felt so stuck to the pub because of the circumstances… But out of no where, I got a decent tax rebate from the bank, so I quit my job (to find a better job after, I’m not dumb, I didn’t just quit to live off a rebate) and booked a tour holiday by myself to Bali… cause why not, told you, mid-life crisis. I needed to get away from the situation, and I missed the sun, it was a win win really (even if the tour started 2 days after moving).

So moving day, 18th of September, it was alot. I already had boxes packed for weeks just sitting around because mum kept changing the dates of when we were going, and when the day came, she had a couple of her friends from the pub, one of which owns a van, to help us move. But here’s the real kicker. She told them it was only her stuff going, and maybe a couple bits of mine going.

SHE WAS NEVER PLANNING ON ME MOVING ON THAT DAY WITH HER

AND SHE DIDN’T BLOODY TELL ME THAT

So there I am on that morning, taking apart any furniture I need to, and any little bits that still needed to be packed. And she kept walking in and out not saying anything. I only found out when the guys with the van came and they were shocked with how much stuff, and I overheard my mum apologising to them. So that’s just great for the emotional range of not feeling wanted. Lets make a check box shall we.

When we get to my grans, which is only 10 minutes away, I go up to the room I’m going in, which is like… that Tetris piece that looks like a bridge, thin with nibs on the end I guess. But anyway, all my grans stuff is still in here, her clothes are in the crappy wardrobe, which I asked my gran if we could get rid of since it’s falling apart, her stuff is still in the teeny walk in closet, her clothes are on the bed, there’s stuff under the bed, my uncles fishing stuff is all over the room and there’s just her clutter everywhere.

So not only was I not meant to go with mum on that day, apparently i wasn’t expected there either, according to my gran. Let’s add another strike to the feeling of not feeling wanted.

So I hide in the front room and have a panic attack, because me and mum had already had an argument about her not telling me I wasn’t meant to be coming, and her cousin who was helping us, found me. And after I explained it, she calmed me down and got my mum, she saw the state I was in, and we talked. Eventually mum understands why I’m upset and she helps me sort out my room first, before her own. So all my grans clothing (except the stuff in the wardrobe) goes back in her room, mum takes the fishing stuff in her room, and the other crap just gets hidden underneath my grans bed and we still hope she doesn’t find it.

(and btw, I still can’t use that wardrobe, I’ve got a box on-top of it, and that’s it, I don’t need it, and it@s falling apart, but I can’t touch it because it has her stuff still in it. And because of that, I can’t fit my desk in my room. So any work or drawings I want to do, I have to do in bed… You can imagine how that comes out.)

Day 1 is fine, no wifi or sky, but we were dealing with it

Day 2, I’m off to Bali

I won’t talk about Bali here, but what I will say, is that it is exactly what I needed. I got away, I got to be independent, I got to be myself. And when I came back, everyone noticed the difference in me. But that only lasted a week, tops.

(Side note, the day I landed I went to the pub to say hello to people, my step-dad was there. I went to hug him to say hello, and basically what I got was “I miss you both, I wish you’d both come back, also can you look at this phone please, because it’s linked to your email”… Yeah thanks, the holiday I went on by myself for two weeks was great btw… Thanks for asking)

So now really started when I’d be living with my mum and gran, and I assumed mum would be so much happier and better. But very shorty i started realising that mum hadn’t changed at all, if anything, she’s started getting worse.

Because “wine” had entered the chat.

Now I’ve said before what she was like on wine, and why, even she’d admit, we agreed she would stay away because she can’t control herself, and she becomes a completely different person on it. Someone I don’t like.

But here we are, she spends nearly every night out getting drunk, or going to see her man, and drinking in the process. And this has all been a long winded way to explain why I’m writing again, after nearly a year. Because wouldn’t you guess it, I’ve just had to work myself out of a panic attack. Fun fun fun

Context (take note, I am aware this is all small stuff compared to other things, but it is on my mind and I need to vent), a few days ago we were having the sky installed for the 3 T.Vs. I had a pretty bad cold this day, so mum did offer to call in sick for work. But I said no, it was fine, the main reason being because I thought it was pretty cheeky for her to use that as an excuse to call in sick. The window for the sky was 8am - 5pm, big window. But of course he comes a 4pm. Meaning I’ve had her on the phone nagging me all day asking if hes been. And the poor guy, he was expecting a quick job activating their new sky infinity thing, not 3 old sky boxes which all require their own cables connected to the new aerial hes just put in as well. He was here for over 3 hours, and during this, he asked me (in mums room) if she had a cable to plug her TV in, cause he wanted to check the sky box was working. I couldn’t find one, I called her up, and she couldn’t work out what I was on about. So I had to drag my TV out of my room and into hers just so he could check it worked. She then called me up “ask him if hes got one in his van, ask him where to buy one, ask him for an extra remote control, bla bla bla”. Now, ngl, I was kinda annoyed that she had finished work, she knew the guy came late and was still here, and the only issue thus far was with her TV, but she still went out to see her guy, which she only conveniently told me, in the middle of the day, not before she went to work. And I know her, she plans these things, it wasn’t last minute.

She comes back, drunk again, digging through her old bags and draws looking for the TV wire (even though I’d gone through them earlier like she asked me to). But in case she couldn’t find one, her guy lent her a cable, so she asked me to help with. Again, still slightly pissed off, and she hasn’t said one word to me except for help, baring in mind I stayed in, helped the guy with mums TV and I was ill, a thank you would have been nice. Funny enough though, it was the wrong cable. So she has an emotional breakdown cause she can’t watch TV in her room that night (not like it was a new thing) and I just say (passive aggressive, I know) “well what do you want me to do about it, it’s the wrong cable, so it’s not gonna work” and what I get back is a drunk, sarcastic, and moody “oh well thanks for your help then”. I lost it, told her I was pissed off and why. And her side was that she told me she was going out, and that she did offer to call in sick. We argued and went to our separate rooms.

We didn’t really speak for a couple of days, if anything, she made me more pissed off at her because she decided to throw the charger for my toothbrush outside my bedroom door like a child instead of bringing it in… Shes 50 years old baring in mind. So if she wanted to be childish, then so would I, I left it there.

Again, not spoken for days (Yes I know that’s petty, but remember we work opposite shits and she likes to go out, so…) and today is the 26th, I went to comic-con, (by myself btw, cause apparently everyone else had already planned to go with their other friends, another check in that unwanted box please), but I go for a couple of hours, buy some stuff and come home around 4. I asked my gran where mum was, she said she was food shopping with “Trish”, a friend she only started talking to again recently, cause mum has a habit of getting bored of people and forgets about them until she needs something from them. But wouldn’t you know it, Trish is also a red wine drinker. You can see where this is heading.

So I hear mum come in around 5/6 or something, cause she just came in to tell me she had been out. Then at 8 I get a text saying she’ll be back home in 5 mins. Well first off, I didn’t even know she went out, she’s not exactly the “I’m off now” kind of person. And second of all she’d only text me that if she was drunk, she doesn’t bother texting me much when she’s sober, unless she wants something. And vodka doesn’t get her drunk that quickly. So of course she comes into my room just to complain that there’s 2 pairs of sky buttons downstairs for some reason and neither of them are working. I’m annoyed (take a guess why) but I go down, it was only a case of my gran using her old TV buttons out of habit and changing the source. Easy fix. But my mum was drunk enough that she didn’t remember bringing down the second remote (it was in her room, my gran wouldn’t have even gone in there in the first place) so when I come out the living room, she tried to say something, but tripped and started laughing, so I just “ffs”‘ed and started going upstairs, she tried calling after me, but I told her to leave me alone. And then we have her calling me rude, and other stuff under her breath.

And to top it off, 10 minutes later she’s calling up the stairs for my help again, because the volume on the sky buttons isn’t working. So I yell back telling them to use the TV buttons. And that makes me rude again because I didn’t go downstairs to help, I just yelled back down to her yelling up to me.

If you want my help, come and get me. Don’t call me out for copying the shit you do.

I know these seem like such small things, and they are. But after coming back from Bali and having an amazing time, then coming back and feeling just as I did before we moved. Makes you wonder doesn’t it, whether it was the situation, or her.

All i know now is, I have an accepted holiday working visa to NZ as of now, and I want to leave as soon as possible. I cant live here much longer. I cant keep getting dragged down by her! I just cant do it anymore!

#alcoholism #personal life #blog #alcohol #family #part 8

[canaryatlaw]

alright, well today didn’t exactly go as planned, but was still an overall good day. My alarm went off at 10:30, I got up and showered, then got dressed and Jess and I headed out to my first doctor’s appointment of the day. The two doctor’s appointments I had today was the original purpose of the trip (and to placate my family about the fact that I’m not coming back to some degree). We stopped for bagels, because New York, and it’s mandatory to have bagels at least once while you’re here. From there we kept driving since this doctor is pretty much an hour’s drive from my house. This was my pulmonologist who has been with me through the ups and downs of my lungs hating me since 2013 lol. I was especially grateful to him today because in May when I woke up hacking my lungs up, I was able to get in touch with the on-call doctor (it was a Saturday) who prescribed me the medicine I needed and I got it two hours later, and by 24 hours I was totally back to normal. Now compare that to what happened last year when I couldn’t reach him and I suffered through 4 days of misery coughing, and having to do my trial advocacy final trial (which was a legit full trial) with my brain totally clouded by cough syrup fog, to the point where I was like, questioning if my surroundings were real lol it was BAD. so after that nightmare I was soooooo happy it worked out so much better this time, because I never want to deal with that again. So we drive there and park, then take the somewhat sketchy elevator up to his office. Got called in pretty quickly cuz they’re good like that, did the whole breathing test I’ve done at least 100 times by now (like that is not an exaggeration at all, it’s definitely been at least 100 times) which always leaves my lungs hurting but also always shows they’re functioning at very high levels (which is, objectively, a good thing, but can also be frustrating when I’m having an issue but the test says everything is great). Doctor comes in a minute later and did some stethescope stuff, then we went into his office and just went over everything, as he seems to be of the opinion that it’s all somewhat related, so we talked about sleep and studying for the bar and acid reflux and all that stuff. His daughter is also currently studying for the bar so he gets what that’s like lol. He kept being like “you’re getting enough sleep right?” and I was like 😂😂😂, oh yes, I definitely am lol. So he called in the one prescription I have from him and we made an appointment for six months out (so January). From there we headed out, we encountered a bit of traffic so it took a while but we were home at like 2. From there we just relaxed for a bit, talking to my sister in our room and just having fun. I looked at train schedules only to discover the two main train lines had a massive gap between 4 and 7 pm, presumably because of the massive amount of trains coming east during that time, but like, that totally screwed us over, so I mapped out and planned to drive to a station a bit further away but that had more options time wise and I thought should work. We then headed out to doctor’s appointment number 2 with my psychiatrist, and then planning to go to Anastasia in the city. So we got in the car and made a quick pit stop at Target to grab the prescription my pulmonlogist had called in for me earlier, and then made our way to my psychiatrist’s office. I really like him so much. He’s been in the process of retiring for a while now but has agreed to still see me until I can get settled with someone else (assumedly in Illinois) and I appreciate that very much. Got called in pretty quickly and had some conversation with him, he wanted to know about bar stress and all that, and I told him that while the bar studying is stressful, when I’m not considering the external factors like that I am still very much enjoying my life, so that was good. We didn’t make any changes to my meds, but we talked about the tremor issue. He seemed doubtful that it was actually caused by the medication that had the listed side effect of tremors, but said that after the bar (because we didn’t want to mess with it beforehand, obviously) I can try going off that med for a bit and see if it helps, but I should probably consult a neurologist regardless which is like 🙄🙄🙄 I really don’t need another doctor in my life at the moment lol. But I’ll probably talk to the primary care doctor I have in IL about it and see if I can get a good reference, it’s easy when I keep it all in the Northwestern Medicine system, so the info can be shared easily as needed. As we were leaving I checked my email quickly and saw I had one from the ticketing site I got the Anastasia tickets from, which stated the performance was at 7, not 8 as I expected. Well, fuck. I looked at the train times and if we made it to the 5:13 train we could get there at like 6:25 and be in decent shape, so we did our best to dash out of there and speed to the train station, but we were thwarted by traffic and it soon became clear there was no way we were going to make it in time, and the next train didn’t get in till 6:54, so clearly that wouldn’t work. We tried looking any other station that could work but didn’t find anything. So we pulled over for a minute and tried to figure out what to do next, and I was like well, I guess we have to drive then 😐😐😐 which I was not excited about but I would do my best. So we plugged in the address of the theatre into the GPS and got going. Again, doing our best to make good time, but traffic was slow in many places, and when it said we had about 24 miles to go but the ETA was putting us there at 7:01, more than an hour from the current time, we agreed this wasn’t worth the stress because I was high key freaking out about driving in Manhattan, and we should just cut our losses and head back home, so that’s what we did. Jess was getting really bad motion sickness at this point so we got off on an exit and found our way to a parking lot, so she could breathe and calm down for a bit without moving, and then went to the pizzeria that was right there because one cause of her feeling sick was that we hadn’t eaten yet (the plan was to stop between the doctors appointment and going to the train, but we of course had to ditch that plan). So we sat down and ordered some food, we got cheesy garlic bread (because of course) and ended up getting the baked ziti pizza, which, yes, is pasta on top of pizza and smothered in cheese, and oh man, it was very good. So we ate our pasta pizza and then determined we were too full to stop for ice cream (sad life, I know) so we headed home. When we arrived most everyone was just chilling, and of course my parents wanted us to chill with them since we’re leaving tomorrow morning. So we all got into the den and did our various activities while talking. My older brother was being a giant pain in the ass tonight, which isn’t anything surprising as he is often doing that, but it’s still fucking annoying. He’s just like, such an asshole, I can’t take it. He’s an emotionally abusive sexist power hungry asshole, and it’s like there’s nothing I can do that he won’t find a way to make fun of me for and like, even with the small stupid shit, I mostly don’t care anymore but it hits something in me that has been there from being treated like that for all these years, and I once again got confirmation that there is no way I could ever move back into any arrangement that involved me living here on any basis other than like a few weeks, at most. And of course my parents do nothing because they never do anything and were completely ineffective in stopping my brothers from torturing me for years to the point where I became suicidal as an 11 year old. There’s just too much there, and I can’t deal with it when the jerks would never admit they did anything wrong because they truly believe that they haven’t, and none of this could ever be their fault, it was obviously because of because I’m stupid and broken and messed up. I tried to stop myself from getting too upset but I can only do so much. There’s also this whole situation going on at my dad’s office with the girls who work for him who apparently ganged up on another girl working there and got her to quit, so my dad’s been all mad about it and the three of them (two brothers and dad) are talking about it and they’re saying all kinds of misogynistic bullshit and when my brothers left I was just like uh you better not be listening to anything they said because they’re full of shit, and he said he knows but he’s always the “softie” boss and bringing my older brother in will scare them, and I’m like yeah but not because he’s a good leader, it’s because he’s an asshole and you’re likely going to have them all quit if you do that because he’s incredibly condescending and just flat out rude and is totally power hungry. Idk, we’ll see what happens with that. After that we headed upstairs since we need to be up early for our flight tomorrow (as I type this at 11:45 pm) and ended up talking to my sister and her friends for a while before actually getting ready for bed, and then I started writing this and here we are. I still feel like shit, and I hate that I feel like shit, I hate that stupid stuff can get to me like that but it just slices right through the old healing scars from childhood and reopens the old wounds just as fiercely as they were first made. But then I also doubt myself, thinking but other people had it worse, you’re probably exaggerating and want attention...and like all of this is playing out in my brain while all of this is happened. I could probably write more about it now, but it’s late and I’m mad tired so I’m going to call it a night instead, I may opine on it further tomorrow, we’ll see. Goodnight everyobe. Thank you all for following me and providing encouragement, it’s much appreciated. ❤️

#daily journal #July 2018

[justintimbershit]

1-116

1: Let’s start with a tricky one; what is the real reason you are confused right now?

I’m confused as to why this is double spaced. i don’t want it to be double spaced, yet its double spaced. why? fuck off. 

2: Do you ever get “good morning” texts from anyone?

occassionally but not on a regular basis which is tragic 

3: If your significant other smoked pot, would you care?

no. thats fun. 

4: Do you find it easy to trust others?

i trust too easily but i shouldn’t and it bothers me but like, when it matters i don’t trust that easily. i don’t think.

5: What were you doing at 11PM last night?

sitting in bed thinking i should sleep and then not sleeping for a couple hours bc I’m annoying as fuuuuuUUuuuuUuuck 

6: You’re drunk and lost walking down the road; who is with you?

molly and lex definitely lol

7: What would you do if you found out you had been cheated on?

probably cry forever and die 

8: Are you close with your dad?

not really but its fine 

9: I bet you kissed someone last night, right?

i didn't 

10: What are you listening to?

jennifer talk like always when I’m doing these questions 

11: You can only drink ONE liquid for the rest of your life - what is it?

probably just water so then i can add flavoring #hacks

12: Do you like hickeys?

yes they’re nice 

13: What time do you go to bed?

whenever the fuck i want I’m an adult, but usually not before midnight ever 

14: Is there someone who continuously lets you down?

nacho boy. this bitch. like u bought me nachos. then told me u wish u were buying me nachos. and then u tell me u wanna not talk bc ur talking to another girl. how many times can u fuckin say we’ll hang out then cancel on me then tell me i look hot then tell me ur busy for the rest of ur life then tell me u want me then ignore me and let our snap streak die. fuck YOU. 

15: Can you text as quickly with one hand as you do both?

not as quickly but i can still do it 

16: Do you always answer your texts?

usually always yes. unless I’m ignoring u. but even then ill answer eventually.

17: Do you hate the person you fell the hardest for?

ummMmmMm idk who i fell hardest for tbh. but chances are yes bc i hate everyone  

18: When was the last time you talked to one of your best friends?

im one of those ppl who constantly has to talk to her friends so like…5 seconds ago lol 

19: Is there someone that makes you happy every time you see them?

JOEY!!!! THE LOML!!!! he picked me up last time i saw him despite him being literally half my weight. i love him. he could never make me sad. he’s one of my safe spots. always happy in his arms. 

20: What was your last thought before you went to bed last night?

ummmmm i was waiting for a boy to message me back so probably about him tbh 

21: Is anyone else in the room with you?

there is not………that i can see 

22: Do you believe what goes around comes around?

justin timberlake would say yes so i say yes 

23: Were you happier four months ago than you are now?

no. i am 75634728930% happier now than i was four months ago. i love college. but I’m still not happy. just happier. ya KNOW 

24: Is there someone you wish you could fix things with?

ye i don’t know if things are necessarily broken but they def need fixing but also I’m not gonna try if they’re not gonna try YA FEEL 

25: In the past week, have you cried?

yes. i cried over a dog. 

26: What colour is the shirt you are wearing?

white.

27: Do people ever call you by your last name?

my teachers used to but not really anymore

28: Is anyone ignoring you right now?

umm the love of my life on tinder is potentially ignoring me or is maybe just really busy i don’t know but i love him and want him to message me back. also, nacho boy like always but iM OVER IT. 

29: Do you have a best friend?

id say i have many 

30: Would it be hard seeing someone else kiss the last person you kissed?

no. lol 

31: Who was your last call/text message from?

mary was my last text and my mother my last call 

32: Are you mad at anyone?

everyone tbh. i hate people. I’m mad at everyone forever. 

33: Have you ever kissed someone older than you?

yes like…..4 hours ago 

34: How old will the last person you kissed be on his/her next birthday?

25

35: How many more days until your birthday?

ONE MONTH EXACTLY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

36: Do you have any summer plans yet?

lmao tf no i don’t even have plans for tomorrow 

37: Do you have any good friends of the opposite sex?

yes joseph and peter r cool 

38: Are you keeping anything from your best friend(s) now?

i do not really think so, but who tf knows 

39: Do you have a secret that you’ve never told anyone?

i do not really think so?

40: Have you ever regretted kissing someone?

not that i recall. i mean like now looking back, yes, obviously. but at the time no.

41: Do you think age matters in relationships?

to an extent yes but also to an extent no 

42: Are you available?

not emotionally but physically 

43: How many people have you had real, strong feelings for since high school ended?

like………i don’t even know if my feelings are real. don’t fucking ask me this. bye. 

44: If you had to get a piercing (not ears), what would you get?

nips 

45: Do you believe exes can be friends?

i think so, if its the right kind of exes ya but shits never gonna work if there r still feelings 

46: Do you regret anything?

yes, being born 

47: Honestly, what’s on your mind right now?

how fuckin TIRED I AM I WANNA DIE 

48: Did you ever lose a best friend?

indeed i have, my dude 

49: Was your last kiss a mistake?

i wouldn’t say so 

50: Why aren’t you pursuing the person you like?

bc hes involved w Satan (the girl not the devil) and i cant deal w that right now 

51: Has the last person you kissed ever seen you cry?

no he has not 

52: Do you still talk with the person you LAST kissed?

ummmm we haven’t talked since he dropped me off but he may text me tomorrow but I’m not about to text him first 

53: What was the last thing you ate?

restaurant style tortilla chips made w 7 seeds and grains 

54: Did you get any compliments today?

i think so. if the boy i had sex w didn’t compliment me i shouldn’t have had sex w him. I’m sure he said something 

55: Where are you going on your next vacation?

i don’t even know if I’m going on a next vacation 

56: Do you own anything from other countries?

i do not think so, which is tragic 

57: Are most of your friend guys or girls?

girls currently 

58: Where have you lived most of your life?

illinois all my life which is LAME 

59: When was the last time you took a long drive?

friday when my mom picked me up from school and drove me home 3 hours

60: Have you ever played Spin the Bottle?

yes in like 7th grade lol but not since i do not believe 

61: Have you ever TPd someone’s house?

i don’t think so? 

62: Who do you text the most?

ummm this is a great question. maybe mary or ola. 

63: What was the last movie you saw?

i watched zootopia yesterday. i think it was yesterday. idk but i think that was the last movie i saw. unless I’m going crazy. wait jk i watched the beginning of mr. woodcock tonight but didn’t finish it 

64: What’s preventing your current boyfriend/girlfriend from going back to their ex?

i don’t have a current boyfriend/girlfriend 

65: How many boyfriends/girlfriends did you have in 2011?

zero 

66: Is the last person you kissed younger than you?

no he is not U ALREADY ASKED THIS 

67: Do you curse around your parents?

nope they’d kill me i think 

68: Are you happy with where you live?

i suppose. it could be better but it could also be much worse 

69: Picture of yourself?

imagine a pile of shit inside a trash can filled w trash….thats me 

70: Are you a monogamous person or do you believe in open-ended relationships?

i like monogamy if its w a good person ya know.

71: Have you ever been dumped?

i do not believe so because i don’t recall ever being in a relationship 

72: What do you most like about making out?

when they stop making out w u and kiss ur neck  

73: Have you ever casually made out with someone who you weren’t seriously involved with?

yes, thats what all my make out sessions r like. I’ve never seriously been involved w anyone ever 

74: When you kiss someone for the first time, is it usually you who initiates it or the other?

1000% other person bc I’m a PUSSY 

75: What part of a person’s body do you find most attractive?

smile but also like…abs. fuck me up 

76: Who was the last person you talked to last night before you went to bed?

either alex or sam 

77: Had sex with someone you knew less than an hour?

that has indeed happened lmao. 

78: Had sex with someone you didn’t know their name?

that has thankfully not happened.

79: What makes your heart flutter and brings a big cheesy smile to your face?

when boys call me baby :))))))) and flirts w me :))))))))) i love attention and boys being nice to me 

80: Would you get involved with someone if they had a child already?

ummm. depends what ‘involved with’ means. fuck? yes. date? no. 

81: Has someone who had a crush on you ever confessed to you?

no bc nobody has ever had a crush on me lol 

82: Do you tell a lot of people when you have a crush?

i tell my friends and i have a decent amount of friends. 

83: Do you miss your last sweetie?

my last sweetie does not exist, sweetie. jeez get off my fuckin case bro. 

84: Last time you slow danced with someone?

probs never. i don’t ever recall slow dancing w anyone 

85: Have you ever ‘dated’ someone you’ve never met?

that was never a thing that happened. 

86: How can I win your heart?

PUPPIES and soft blankets and FOOOOD 

87: What is your astrological sign?

sagittarius 

88: What were you doing last night at 12 AM?

nothing much different from what i was doing at 11pm last night 

89: Do you cook?

i do not :( 

90: Have you ever gotten back in touch with an old flame after a time of more than 3 months of no communication?

no bc i have no old flame 

91: If you’re single right now, do you wish you were in a relationship?

kinda, ya. :( 

92: Do you prefer to date various people or do you pretty much fall into monogamous relationships quickly?

ummm. i don’t wanna fall into a relationship too quick but also if i like someone i wanna date them ya know

93: What physical traits do you look for in a potential interest?

nice hair, nice smile, nice body 

94: Name four things that you wish you had!

1. a smoothie 

2. a boy to cuddle me to sleep rn 

3. medicine to cure my brain 

4. money 

95: Are you a player?

i wouldn’t consider myself to be 

96: Have you ever kissed 2 people in one day?

according to the definition of a day being 24 hours i believe yes but according to my definition of a day being from when you wake up to when you go to sleep no. 

97: Are you a tease?

I’ve been called a tease but i don’t think i permanently am. i just looked hot and had to get attention from a boy

98: Ever meet anyone you met on Tumblr?

i don’t think so??? 

99: Have you ever been deeply in love with someone?

yes. justin timberlake 

100: Anybody on Tumblr that you’d go on a date with?

probs

101: Hugs or Kisses?

hugs 

102: Are you too shy to ask someone out?

yes 100% 

103: The first thing you notice about the opposite sex?

smile 

104: Is it cute when a boy/girl calls you babe?

YES 

105: If a sexy person was pursuing you, but you knew he/she was in relationship, would you go for it?

um id probs talk to them about it but tell them i wouldn’t if they were still in a relationship regardless ya know 

106: Do you flirt a lot?

i try but i fail a lot 

107: Your last kiss?

like 4 hours ago w a boy named colin 

108: Have you kissed more than 5 people since the start of 2012?

yes

109: Have you kissed anyone in the past month?

yes 

110: If you could kiss anyone who would it be?

justin timberlake or brandon saad 

111: Do you know who you’ll kiss next?

i have a solid idea 

112: Does someone like you currently?

i think so yes. possibly multiple guys yike 

113: Do you currently have feelings for anyone?

i do and it HURTS 

114: Do you like to be in serious relationships or just flings?

id like to be in a relationship but everyone i want to be in a relationship w makes it impossible to do so 

115: Ever made out with just a friend?

yes. i have, thank u v much 

116: Are you happier single or in a relationship?

ive never been in. a relationship so i don’t have anything to compare it to.

#questions