#and i cried for hours because it was the worst day id ever had w her

[insufferablelust]

Hi, I hope you're having a great day! I was wondering if you could write something for Hotch where the reader is one of the younger members and he always wants to protect her. She messes up on a case and Strauss yells at her and she ends up crying and Hotch takes care of her. Thank you so much, and it is okay if you don't want to write it!

Hi! i’m so sorry it took me awhile to write your piece but i hope this is worth it! and i also changed it a bit so i hope you don’t mind, but if you have any specific ideas just let me know! anyways thank you so much for requesting and waiting! much love!

This is an Aaron Hotchner x SA!Reader Blurb.

Warnings : Fluffs, angst, Mean!Strauss, Hotch is like your caregiver in a professional way like he guides you through the cases and help you etc because you’re new and young, Mention of Guns, Blood, Supportive!BAU, Mental disorder, and Abductions.

this blurb also have a special meaning to me since i’m diagnosed with the same Disorder the unsub has in this so i’m sorry if the descriptions are a bit too detailed. i still hope you like it and give me feedbacks or constructive criticisms thank you for reading❤️

———————

Being the youngest in every field has its own disadvantages, when you were at school, being the youngest would get you picked at, but you shut them up quickly with your bravery. When you were in college, most people doubted you even your professors, but you also managed to make them stare in awe when you became the top student of your criminal psychology class. When you were training in the academy, many underestimate you, but again— you came out on top, trainee with the highest score amongst others. So you never thought about being the youngest much,

No, not until you actually work— by work i mean becoming a part of BAU, Special Agent Y/n Y/l/n. It was easy at first, you received such a warm welcome from your new teammates that you already thought that this is going to be easy enough. The first time you met them were at the bullpen, they were all lounging and talking about a recent case as you stepped in nervously yet you put a stern smile. The first person who approached you was the wonderful Miss Penelope Garcia, who happens to be your friend, and then you shook hands with David Rossi, Jennifer Jareau, Aaron Hotchner, Dr. Spencer Reid, Emily Prentiss, and got a flirty remark from none other than Derek Morgan— who you scoffed at and said “not going to work on me pal, Garcia has told me aaaall about it” which drew laughter.

Your assignments were quite easy at first, you were always the one to be confident, top of your class and all— so on your first day you got your first assignment with the team, a case in Virginia. You were told to follow Agent Hotchner, and you have to be honest that it couldn’t be any more easier for you. He showed you the ropes, how to analyze certain behaviors, even let you interview the family alone. He made you feel safe and comfortable to do this job, and you couldn’t be more grateful.

Now that you’ve gotten to several cases, you’ve felt like you earned your place here, not just as the new girl, but a profiler, an agent, and you couldn’t be more prouder— and you can’t help but to thank Aaron for it, he always guides you through all the horrible things that you just feel content to work on cases with him. Your teammates joked about it sometimes, saying how close you two have gotten, they noticed how Hotch never raised his voice with you, not once, it’s either you’re that good or as Prentiss likes to call it “He has a soft spot for you (Y/n)”

But not all paths are smooth paths, it was sunday afternoon, you were lounging with Emily, Garcia, and Sergio when you heard the call coming from Garcia’s phone. Upon seeing “HOTCHER” as the called id, you and Prentiss sigh deeply before preparing your go bag not even bothering for Garcia to finish the phone call.

Turns out it was a child abduction case, and the first thing to note about this is that time is of the essence and every second counts. The first abduction started in Virginia a month ago, where it was handled by the local police— but then the same type of M.O and Victimology appeared in some abduction cases all over the country, the most recent one is Los Angeles. So off to LA you goes with the team, only thing different this time is that JJ and Hotch was staying behind to talk to the police in Virginia—it’s your first ever case without his guidance and you haven’t decided if you like it or hate it.

———————————

12 hours into the abduction, and Y/n has messed up bad, bad enough that it put her own life in jeopardy. Y/n had gone to follow a lead, that she received from the hotline tip, she debated at first.. on telling the others about the call she received, all her training would told her to tell someone, you can’t go alone but the caller insist that you go alone. Something about this man is not right, you can feel it in your guts. But you know that if you were about to tell the others- they wouldn’t let you pursue, not because you’re incapable but because its not right to go alone, but you took the risk to save these children— the caller did mentioned you only have 10 minutes to drive to his address and if you don’t show up alone, the children will be killed— and you can’t let that happen. So you told the tip responder that you have told your team and that you’re under pursue before sprinting out of the LAPD.

When the team realized that Y/n was gone, it was an hour after she actually left. The second they found out about her whereabouts, they rushed to the location— already hoping that you and the kids are still alive. To their relief, you were found alive, but you were tied to a chair, face bloodied and its clear that you took some harsh beating. The unsub was holding one of the child, threatening to kill him.

He was a man who has Abandonment issues with severe borderline personality disorder, the reason why he abducts children is because he hated his childhood— he hated himself for being a fuck up, so he took the perfect children according to his judgment and kept them— it’s masochistic, he kept them as a reminder for himself of how worthless he is.

“Put the gun down, and let the boy go” Morgan’s voice rang through the abandoned building, causing the unsub to panic and move backwards “No! stay there! c-come any closer and i’ll blow his perfect fucking face off” He snarled, before you gained all the energy you have left and speak up,

“Adam, let him go please. I know how you feel, and let me show you that you are none of those things your mind is telling you. You’re not worthless and you deserve to be loved, a- a mother’s love.. don’t you missed it? Come here, i- i can give it to you” You coughed up blood as your vision gets blurry, The team gasped as the unsub let the boy go.. all of them and kneeled next to you, gun still in hand as he untied you, then lay his head on your thighs. Your fingers shakily move, to ran through his hair, and inching to get the gun from here.

“Shh, shh Mama’s here, give me the toy.. I’ll let you play w-with it later” You said holding back the tears as he slowly handed you the loaded gun before you tossed it and the team cuffed him.

You cried hard as you fell to your knees on the floor, the last thing you heard was Prentiss’s voice calling for medic and then you black out.

——————-

Its been a few days after the incident, you’re on your way back to Quantico. Some of the bruisings are gone but there are some scars that will be there forever, and honestly you don’t worry about it all— the only thing you worry about is what your superior is going to do with you. You knew you messed up bad and it doesn’t matter that you are the reason that those kids are free, you should’ve told your team. When Emily asked you why, you said it’s just gut feeling em. And when Spencer asked you how’d you know?

you told him, that The unsub told you about his young mother, the same exact age as your age, your hair color, and around your height. Thats why he wanted you to come, and the pieces clicked, All of the hesitancy to kill, He liked the pain, not inflicting it to others if not necessary but to himself. That’s how you know. Your answer seemed to please the young doctor as he smiled and whispered a small “Great job, Agent.”

All of them were understanding on why you did it, except Morgan because he’s like your big brother but he did said something along the lines of “You’re a damn good profiler but you’re still stupid” but the worst had to come from your superior; Erin Strauss.

As soon as you landed in Quantico, Hotch was there waiting for you, then escort you to his room, where Strauss was there also. You were nervous not because you’re wrong but because you knew you could’ve done better and it’s against the regulations.

Hotch had said to you during a phone call that he “understands why you did what you did but it certainly doesnt justify it.” The way he spoke those words calmed you down up until now.. standing in front of Strauss herself.

“Agent Y/n, sit down.” You sat down in front of her with Hotch leaning against his desk, you put on a smile as you keep eye contact with her, “How are you feeling?”

“I’m feeling fine, Ma’am. Thank you for asking—i’ve completed the psych evals too and-“

“What you did was reckless and stupid, Agent. You put your own life in danger as well as your teammates. You let your own ambition to lead you into this mess—“

Taken aback at her words, you quickly replied, “Excuse me Ma’am, with all due respect i never have any intention other than saving the boys from the unsub. So i don’t understand how my ‘ambition’ led me.”

“Agent, you will not interrupt me. Must i remind you that you’re an intelligent, bright, and exceptionally young with a lot of great potentials but let me ask you this, Are you too immature that your ambition on becoming the one who caught the unsub is your top priority? The Director agreed that maybe you should take another year of training to successfully complete mature so you dont make mistakes like this.” and at that your eyes brimmed with tears, How could she? how could she compared your age to how you do your job? You were trying to save the kids and you did. Your age has no connection to any of this and certainly not to your abilities. You were about to say something when Hotch stand and put a finger up signaling you to hold it.

“Ma’am I know what Y/n did is incredibly reckless but she only did that because the unsub specifically asked for her— she reminded him of his young mother, their features are the same. Agent Y/n, does know the regulations and protocols, and she knows that if she tells anyone the risk of those boys dying is greater than any other. So with all due respect Ma’am, As her direct superior in this case, i’m asking you to back up and let me handle her penalty according to my professional judgment as someone who has seen her incredible work and sacrifices.” His voice is loud, ringing on your ears like you’re the only thing that mattered. It left you speechless as he give you the tissue box and then waiting for Erin’s reply.

To your surprise she didn’t say anything before leaving his office. You broke down once again, gasping for air as you feel the pain now, the ache on your shoulder and wrists, the dull pain on your face, the cuts and bruises on your stomach. You are exhausted, and It seemed that Hotch knows it too.

He sit besides you as he gently placed your head on his shoulder, so you can cry with a shoulder to support you. You were so exhausted, that you dont even care if this is breaking any rules or protocols. You just want to save people, you just want to be with your team.

“She won’t do anything, I promise you that ill protect and guides you, so hang onto my words.” He said, rubbing the back of your neck and shoulders as you let out tiny gasps, trying to form a sentence.

“T-thank- y-you, Aaron.” is the only thing you managed to speak before the exhaustion wipes you out, the last thing you heard was his voice, “Anytime Y/n, Sleep well.”

——————

Feel free to send me blurb ideas! give this a like and reblog, thank you!

#aaron hotchner imagine #aaron hotchner fluff #aaron hotchner angst #aaron hotchner smut #aaron hotchner x reader #criminal minds imagines #criminal minds fluff #insufferableblurb

[g0dtier]

im just proud of my lil bros in general

whats a lil strange is that one of our teachers (we all went to the same primary school despite them being 5 and 8 years younger than me) used to say we were like those fairytale story children bc it was like 1 girl whos the oldest and is a brunette with freckles and 2 lil boys who have snow white hair, which is like w/e

but later in life we all turned out to be the most stereotypical fairytale bunch of kids ever lmfao like

me:

art student

mental problems, traumatized, 2 disorders and went through a lot of shit

chaotic and “deep” older sister whos always there to give advice with emotional stuff

wine aunt if my lil bros ever decide to have kids

middle brother:

sport student

personality could be described as “the emotion known as calm in human form”

from a young age looked up at by all the other kids who wanted him to be their teacher in stuff like breakdance and aikido, and hes got one hell of a natural talent for it and is pursuing that career and ive always hated PE teachers but if id want anyone as a teacher in any subject itd be him

animals love him because of his calm confidence

modest as hell though, has always known who he is and owns it

selfless as shit, will fight anyone that hurts his loved ones. will and has protected any underdog from shit because hes fucking shredded

has an 8 pack

gets all the girls just naturally

youngest brother:

wunderkind 

incredibly empathetic at a young age but also pretty much a child genius

like hes so fucking empathetic that despite growing up a “gamer” in the toxic as fuck subculture hes like the sweetest thing ever

built his own working telescope at 13yo, wants to study astronomy or physics

always top 1% of his school despite barely trying, takes astronomy and chinese for fun as extra classes

the sweetest fucking kid ever who, at 15, felt so bad about not being able to get souvenirs for family on a school trip that he almost cried

wants his older sister to make him a drawing for his bday instead of asking for like, gadgets or smth

at 4yo or something really wanted to do a sleepover and sleep in my bed just bc he loved me that much but was too shy to ask so he had mom ask me for him while he was holding her hand and didnt dare to look at me because he was too shy

asks about everyones day and genuinely wants to make his family and loved ones happy all the time, so fucking selfless

what i mean to say is that my lil bros are the best fucking people ever. while i was a walking wreck at 14 from the time these kids entered puberty they have been nothing but fucking amazing even though our parents never pushed them heavily towards anything and just wanted us to be happy. like im so lucky with my siblings. we never fight in a serious way, we’ve never even insulted each other seriously. how many families do u know who can spend 40 hours in a car trip at puberty age and just not fight and just meme at each other

of all of us im definitely 100% the worst and i dont deserve siblings as good as they are

[mariaaamaaarquez]

the second one- where does this start?

okay okay so I guessss this is the part where I kind of have to talk about myself since honestly truly now that I think about it- not a lot of people know MY story.. its usually me asking to someone else what theirs is and why they are the person they are, but sometimes not even my closest best friends know, because they never asked? weird, I know lmao. buuuut okay where to start right? well I was born in Guatemala, September 21st 2001, for the ones who didn't know hahah aaaand I was a happy kid. always a happy kid. to keep the long story as short as possible, moms filed for a divorce, father said no. for my fifth birthday though, they both wanted to take me to Disneyland, in Cali. this meant that we had to get a tourist visa from Guatemala granting us permission to leave the country, which for those of you who don't know how that process works, its HARD. somehow we managed to get it, and a few weeks later I was celebrating my birthday in Disneyland. that was when my mom made the decision to run away from my dad. obviously telling this story now, I know we had family in Virginia. and being an immigrant traveling with your also immigrant daughter as you're already in the United States- not so hard. I woke up to my mom packing bags, she just told me to go back to sleep and that we were going to the beach later that day. I, listened to my mom, and proceeded to waking up basically in an airport. just like that my life had shifted. we flew into Virginia, and proceeded to living there, hiding for six months. hiding was tough. my father had even filed a missing child case basically saying I had been abducted. Amber Alert who, right? During my time there, I did start to notice money coming in, we would go shopping, and I would get random presents out of nowhere. AAAAnd thats where my stepdad comes in. Once again, to summarize, my (now stepdad) had been in contact with my mom ever since they were high school teenage sweethearts. when my mom split up with him, it was because he had decided to flee to the United States and stay as an illegal immigrant. that’s when she met my father and had me- talk about a cockblock. anyways I soon came to find out that all the money and presents coming in, were from him. he came to Virginia for Christmas, also took me to New York for the first time and I got to get hello kitty EVERYTHING inside that Toys R Us- and then we came back home to Virginia and I was completely in awe of how good this man was treating me and my mom- aaaandd thats when they dropped the bomb on me. We were moving to Seattle. shortly after making that decision, it was January of the year 2006 and I was on a plane (again) and headed to my new life, with a new dad, and SOOO many new toys. I was happy. 

Fast forward a few months, moms is pregnant, has my brother in 2007, I can suddenly speak and understand English FLUENTLY, and I have an entire new family. As if it couldn't get crazier, my 3rd grade year, my biological dad reached out to my mom, told her he was in town. I had no idea until we stepped into the closest mall by my house, and there he was. Live and in the flesh, it was my father. I ran into his arms and obviously balled my eyes out, and I just couldn't believe it. 

Fast forward a few years, he visited again and then after that visit went kind of MIA. No more emails, or letters, and most definitely no calls. When I turned 13, I still waited for that phone call, waited all day for my mom to tell me “your father’s on the phone” and nothing. Until it was 1AM, September 22nd, and my mom told me THATS when he called. 1 fucking am here, meaning 3 am over there, basically the day after my birthday. After that year, noting stayed the same. No longer waited, or anticipated, just- nothing. I later came to find out through social media, that he was having a daughter. Insane. I couldn't believe it, but part of me saw it coming. I mean this is what I wanted right? for him to move on and start his new life, and I didn't care anymore if I was a part of it... right? On my 16th birthday, he called. By this time I wanna say my little sister was probably around 3 or 4, (still hadn't gotten a call, until now.) When he called me I was in the middle of a small get together with just family, my boyfriend and bestfriends at the time had already left and I heard the phone ring. my mom looked at it and went silent, and showed me the phone. I knew who it was. I recognized the number. and I didn't want to answer, but I needed answers. 

so I pick up.

“hello?”

“hi mija, god how I've missed you I can't believe I actually got a hold of-”

“stop.”

you can’t believe you got a hold of me? you never tried.

I proceeded to basically cussing him out, and asking about my sister. You know when you accidentally rat yourself out to your parents by saying something you shouldn't have? yeah thats exactly what happened to my not so dearly beloved father. he basically spit out that my sister’s mother was the same bitc- lady, that my dad had cheated on my mom with- go figure! no wonder the woman ran away from you, jesus. 

“look, im sorry. god I am so sorry for everything I promise I will make it up to you what do I have to do?”

“never speak to me ever again. just like how I was basically dead to you and had no right to know the truth about everything, as far as im concerned the only thing that connects us is blood.”

he ruined my 16th birthday.

never talked to him ever again.

fast forward to my senior year- tf when did that happen?

I’m in Washington DC on a school trip (so much fun by the way AMAZING) and I call my mom to say hi and catch up (actually just calling because she was across the country and if she didn't hear from me she’d think I was dead inside the White House or something, hispanic moms, you know) and she then proceeds to tell me that she saw on Facebook (once again this damn social media) that my dad had just became a father, again. another baby sister. also that he had been living back and forth from Germany to Guatemala. 

sounds like a blast daddy dearest. 

(yeah he has a lot of money by the way, still waiting on the child support from the past decade but its good HAH) 

FAST FORWARD AgaIINNN to March of 2019. 

I became a legal resident of the United States, free to travel in and out of the country without a problem, free to work wherever I wanted, free to go to college and actually have a social security number when im asked for it- just simply free. 

April 2019. 

The month I got the chance to go back to my beloved Guatemala for the first time in thirteen years. THIRTEEN. To not bore you with all the details of my trip, on the last night, fate decided that it was time, and yes ladies and gents, there he was, in the flesh, my father. I always call him “father” and my stepdad “dad” just because all that other guy did was help with the process of me being born he was never a real dad to me ever, as heart wrenching and harsh as that may sound. so fuck him. seriously, fuck him. I saw him, with tears of anger streaming down my face and my entire body shaking, and he walks up to me crying.

he leans in for a hug.

“not a step closer don’t you dare touch me.”

he walks away and disappears into the crowd of hundreds of people, and I proceeded to having the worst panic attack I have ever had. paramedics asking if I was okay, my mom on the floor with me as I was sobbing and screaming, and everyone scared out of their minds because suddenly I felt trapped in a ball of water with no air as everyone watched the color of my skin slowly beginning to fade until I became white as snow. when I snapped out of it and finally calmed down, I cried. god I cried so damn much. I was so hurt, mostly because part of me thought he would take a stand for once and try. just try. even though I told him not to I knew a part of me wanted him to, but he didn't. and he disappointed me- just as I expected he would.

haven't heard of him since.

that was almost five months ago. and that leads us to today, the present! and thats my story, without all the minor details because with those included id have people reading for hours. But, even after this longgg ass post, if you're still here hi! thanks for reading, and for being interested in my story? not a lot of people tend to be, but if im gonna be writing on here I might as well include it- right?  

anyways- yep thats me, this along w other crazzyyy things are part of what shaped me to be the person I am today. As for my family? My mom, my dad, and my little brother? I’d take a bullet.

and as for my father? 

I don’t know,

I don’t bother to ask,

I don’t care.

besitos,

ria.

[miraculous-writings]

Long sappy post about my bday, how this year was amazing but also how my many last ones havent been. (Mentions of my r*pists and of s*icide ahead too tho)

But

This year is the first year I have had... An absolutely wonderful birthday. In so many years.

Last year, somewhere around this time tsukista's cast changed, I started falling into a downward spiral bc of my sister getting engaged to my r*pist, and I lost a bunch of very close friends.

The year before, around this time she had chosen him over me/the family permanently. And i was starting my descent into complete turmoil. I lost all of my closest friends in the worls, the person I thought I could see spending the rest of my life with, i ran away from home, and was in the worst state of my life. Ever.

The year before was the year my sister had been caught sneaking him in the house. I came out about what he did to me... And she continued doing it anyways. This is when my nightmares and insomnia had started up due to my ptsd.

The years before weren't as traumatic, but they weren't good either. Back before these years i was also having to deal with my OTHER r*pist and the aftereffects of how he had ruined my life. And around summer it always gets worse bc thats when he had gone batshit psycho stalker on me.

So, for this year... To have been this wonderful is just. So out of the realm of what I could have ever hoped for or expected. My friend called into work and did everything she could to be allowed to spend the night beforehand, knowing how badly i view my birthday. Another friend drove all the way down from the state above mine, he drove about 3 hours each way. A total of 6. And another was going to come from the opposite side of the state which is about 2 hours but her cars tires were fucked and the place she was getting new ones from fucked her over so she couldnt come but that wasnt her fault. The point is she had been ready, with literally like 1 or 2 days notice, to pack up and drive over and spend the night just because she had learned it was my birthday.

If you had told me last year, or the year before, or any recent years id have friends like this after all ive gone through i would have laughed in your face.

But I.. I just feel so unbelieveably lucky. I keep rewriting new posts saying all this (or smtn close) and ive cried several times both today and yesterday over this but im just... Im so happy that people care about me. This disgusting awful shitty fucked up broken useless ugly and absolutely destroyed remenant of a human being. All of them did SO much JUST so they could spend a few hours with me and try to make my birthday a good one. And they did it. My birthday went by without anything bad or horrible going wrong and I got to hang out with two amazing friends. I also got lots of messages from my other friends about it too, which was really nice. And some messages from old friends i hadnt expected anything from! I didnt even think theyd notice!

I just. I'm so glad. Compared to how, for so many years, ive thought nobody would care. Especially since through my many s*icide attempts nobody ever was, and even when I was in the hospital i was stuck in that tiny room all alone, just me and my mom. My sibblings hadnt even come to check on me. My dad had come but left after like 30 minutes. Thats when I had decided nobody would ever, ever care if i died. They wouldnt flinch. Wouldnt bat an eye. Wouldnt care.

But now I just. Today I have felt so loved and happy and I cant express it. I would never believe anyone if they said it. My dad went and bought me a cake. Him and my brother sang Happy Birthday and called me Andrew. I had gone w my friends to lunch at my favorite ramen place. We came home and watched funny Markiplier videos. Then once one friend left we watched bungou stray dogs. Everything was just... It was so nice. It was so fucking nice. And I am so glad that for once nothing went drastically wrong. I am so relieved.

I cant say im happy to be alive, but i can say i am glad i was alive to experience a day like this at least once. I'm so happy i got to experience this day.

#personal #tw rapist mention #tw suicide mention #birthday #happy birthday #long post

[5hfanfiction]

Come Back, Be Here- Chapter 52

“So you just left. Just like that?” Keana asks as she cooks her best friend some breakfast.

“It was the hardest thing I’ve ever had to do, Ke, but we need a break. She needs a chance to get her life together and find who she used to be. If I stayed in that apartment with Camila, well with the person she’s become, I’m worried it would have only led to a divorce.”

“I understand.” Keana nods her head as she transfers the scrambled eggs from the pan to a plate and then sets the plate in front of Lauren. “So when are you going back to Miami?”

“I’m not.” Lauren answers immediately. “I would never dream of leaving her in this city alone. I want to be here in case-“

“Something happens to her.” Keana finishes her sentence.

“Yeah. I have to be here in case she needs me.” Just as those words leave the brunette’s mouth, her phone rings and she looks down to see Camila’s picture on her screen. She sighs and sends the call to voicemail.

“That’s her needing you, Laur.” Keana nods her head in the direction of the phone.

“No, it’s her wanting to beg for my forgiveness and apologize for things she’s not willing to change about herself. If she really needed me, like emergency wise, I know she’d try to get in contact with you or Dinah, and then one of you would get in contact with me.” Lauren says as she picks up her fork and transfers some eggs from the plate in front of her to her mouth.

“In that case, you know you are welcome to stay here as long as you want and I won’t tell her you are here.” Keana says and Lauren nods as she swallows the mouthful of eggs.

“Thanks, Ke. I’ll pay rent I swear.” Lauren picks up her orange juice and takes a sip of it.

“Don’t bother” Keana waves her hand dismissively. “My roommate is studying abroad and she is paying half the rent. I just won’t tell her you are living here.”

The mention of studying abroad makes Lauren’s heart sink. That’s how she met Camila, the girl she thought she would never in a million years walk out on.

The girl she thought she would never in a million years catch doing drugs.

Lauren doesn’t notice that Keana had taken a seat beside her until she feels an arm wrap around her shoulders.

“It’s going to be okay, Lo. You two will get through this.” Keana promises as she guides Lauren’s head to her shoulder and places a quick kiss to the top of it.

“I hope so. I can’t live without her.” Lauren allows a sob to escape her lips and Keana just pulls her closer. She hates seeing her friend this broken.

Speaking of broken, Camila cannot seem to feel anything but complete and utter brokenness. When Lauren left, she laid on the floor of their apartment in a fetal position until the sun came up the next day. It was when the sunlight peaked through the blinds that she finally pulled herself up off the floor. However, she just moved to her bed and she didn’t leave it for a solid week. This past week has been the worst one of her life. She has not heard from Lauren and every single time she tries to call, she is sent straight to voicemail. She hasn’t eaten and she’s pretty sure her body is dehydrated from crying as much as she has.

Currently, it’s Friday, exactly a week since Lauren left her, and Camila is scouring through her purse in search of the drugs that caused Lauren to leave her in the first place. When her hands find the small vial of white powder, she immediately pulls it from her bag and empties all the contents into the toilet. Once the toilet is flushed, she keeps digging until her hands find the orange bottle containing a dozen or so blue Adderall pills. Deciding that she may need them in the future sometime to help her focus, she puts them up in her medicine cabinet instead of getting rid of them.

Once all the drugs are dealt with, she picks up her phone again and dials Lauren’s number. Three rings and then she hears Lauren’s voicemail. Truth be told, she keeps calling so she can listen to it. She remembers when she forced Lauren to make it. A small smile makes it’s way to her face when she hears it again.

Camila: You have reached Lauren’s phone, but she is busy right now.

Lauren: I’m actually not busy, I’m right here, wondering why on Earth I handed my phone to you in the first place.

Camila: You handed it to me because you love me and you trust me to give you a better voicemail than ‘please leave your name and number after the beep.’

Lauren: I do love you.

Camila: Anyways, there you have it people. Lauren can’t come to the phone because she’s too busy loving me. Not in the sexual type way of course. I mean loving me with her heart not her hands-

Lauren: Actually, we’re having sex so call back later!

Camila: LAUREN!

Beep.

When the brunette hears the beep, she ends the phone call and lets out a laugh that quickly turns into a sob. She cries until she physically cannot seem to produce anymore tears and then she drags herself from the bathroom to her bed. Camila has decided that she likes sleeping better than real life because for once in her life, her dreams are better than real life. When she had Lauren it was always the other way around, but now that the green-eyed girl has left her, the only time she gets to see her is in her dreams.

The only time she is happy now is in her dreams.

A couple of hours later she is awoken by the ringing of her phone. She blindly grabs it and answers it without looking at the caller ID.

“Lauren?” She rasps out, her voice laced with hope.

“Not Lauren, sweetie. It’s Eric.” Camila visibly deflates. “I know you are going through a rough time, but I just wanted to remind you that you have the concert tomorrow night. I expect you to be there and I expect you to be pulled together.”

“I’ll be there.” Camila informs him and then ends the phone call. His voice pisses her off more than anything. He is the reason she is even in this mess with Lauren.

She glances at the clock and realizes that it’s 9 pm so she decides to just go to sleep. Tomorrow is a new day and tomorrow she has to be Camila Cabello ,the pop-star who is in love with music and her career. She can’t be Camila Cabello-Jauregui, the girl who just lost the love of her life.

The next day is a whirlwind for Camila, she wakes up, gets dressed for the first time in a week, and heads to the Troubadour, the nightclub in LA, to rehearse for her gig tonight.

She sits down and makes out her setlist. She knows she wants to play her old songs that were on her first album, but she also talked Eric into letting her play her new ones too. When she’s finished typing the setlist, she prints it and tapes it on the stage for tonight.

1. Everything Has Changed

2. She Is Love

3. Love Incredible

4. How Would You Feel

5. Havana (New)

6. OMG (New)

7. Say You Won’t Let Go

8. Close To You (New)

Havana and OMG are two of Camila’s newest tracks. She recorded them a couple of weeks ago when she decided to start working on her second album. The last one, Close To You, is a song she wrote the day after Lauren left. She hasn’t played it for Eric or anyone else, but it’s her concert and she’s going to fucking sing it and they will get over it.

Meanwhile, Lauren and Keana are out having dinner at one of their favorite Chinese restaurants downtown.

“Are you going to go?” Keana finally speaks up, breaking the silence that has lingered between the two of them all night.

“Hmm?” Lauren finally looks up from the table and meets her friend’s worried gaze.

“I know you know what I’m talking about.” Keana presses.

Lauren lets out a heavy sigh. “If I see her the walls I’ve built up will crumble.”

“And that’s a bad thing why?” Keana leans her elbows on the table.

“Because we need time, Ke. She needs time to get better and find herself. If I just go running back into her arms like nothing happened, I’m worried nothing will be solved between us.” Lauren rubs her finger over the band on her left hand.

“But you’re miserable and you miss her.” Keana points out. “How about this, how about I go with you and we just stand in the very back, and I make sure you don’t do anything stupid like run on stage or try to go backstage to see her? She doesn’t have to know you were there, but I think it’ll make you feel better if you get to see that she alive and okay.”

Lauren checks her watch to see that it’s 6:00 pm and she knows the show starts at 7. Deciding that Keana is right, she quickly digs in her wallet and slaps a 20 dollar bill on the table.

“That’s my girl.” Keana beams as she slides out of the booth and follows Lauren out of the restaurant. They call an Uber and an hour later, they are standing in front of the concert venue.

“So you already had the tickets purchased?” Keana quirks an eyebrow when Lauren retrieves the two tickets from her jacket pocket.

“I bought them the minute they went onsale. I just didn’t know if I had the courage to actually come to the show.” The green-eyed girl confesses and Keana just nods. Once inside, they find a spot in the very back corner of the room close to the door. Since it’s general admission, they are able to stand wherever they want. When they get situated, the lights go off and the crowd goes crazy.

“Hello LA.“ Lauren hears her favorite husky voice echo through the room and her heart immediately starts hammering in her chest. "I must say, you are looking rather beautiful tonight.” Camila is wearing ripped skinny jeans and a yellow and purple Lakers jersey that is so big on her that it reaches to her knees. She’s also wearing some purple and yellow Nike High Top shoes to match her jersey and Lauren cannot take her eyes off her.

“Fuck your girl looks like a full course meal up there.” Keana whispers to Lauren. The green-eyed girl turns to her and raises an eyebrow at her friend. Keana just raises her hands in surrender. “What? It’s not like you weren’t thinking it.”

Before Lauren can reply, Camila’s voice fills her ears and she turns back toward the stage.

Her eyes do not leave Camila for one second. Lauren is absolutely mesmerized the entire concert. Camila is so good with the crowd and her voice sounds amazing. Before Lauren knows it, it’s the end of the concert and Camila is thanking the crowd for coming.

“LA, thank you so much for hanging with me tonight.” Camila’s voice breaks Lauren from her thoughts and the older brunette frowns when she realizes the concert is about to come to a close. “I have just one more song for you before I leave. I wrote it a couple of days ago and no one has heard it. Not even my manager.” She chuckles as she pulls up a stool and grabs her acoustic guitar. “It’s a song that means a whole lot to me. I hope that it’ll mean a whole lot to you too. It’s called Close To You.”

Nothing but a tear, that’s all for breakfast Watching you pretend you’re unaffected You’re pulling our connections, expecting me to let you go But I won’t

No you don’t need my protection But I’m in love, can’t blame me for checking I love in your direction, hoping that the message goes

Somewhere close to you Close to you Like so close if they heard you, you wouldn’t find out Just say now, I’m coming right now, to be close to you

Said you let it go, you kept it Working hard to perfect it Now your fear is reckless, and it’s out of your control Would you let it go?

No you don’t need my protection But I’m in love, can’t blame me for checking I love in your direction, hoping that the message goes

Somewhere close to you Close to you Like so close if they heard you, you wouldn’t find out If you let me, I’d be there by now Close to you

Camila strums the last chord on her guitar and looks out into the audience. As soon as she does, everyone claps loudly and cheers. She just smiles and blows them kiss after kiss before setting her guitar down by her stool. As her eyes are scanning the audience, she sees a brunette leaving the building, a brunette that looks almost identical to Lauren from behind. However, once the door to the club shuts, she just shrugs and blows one last kiss to the audience before exiting the stage.

It couldn’t have been her. She wouldn’t of come to my concert. Camila thinks as she high fives everyone backstage. It wasn’t Lauren. There’s no way it was Lauren. Right?

Camila spends the rest of the night trying to convince herself it was not her wife in the back of the audience at her show tonight.

Lauren, however, spends the rest of the night trying to convince herself that she did the right thing by letting Keana drag her out of the concert venue tonight before she could say anything to Camila after her set.

But they both spend all night, wide awake in their beds, thinking of the other.

#UPDATE #AU #slash #camren #angst drama #family #submission #come back be here

[asakurahaos]

ive been trying to keep it to myself but i cant take it anymore i have to vent sorry guys. negativity ahead.

so this monday mom and i have had a session w my psychologist, and we continued talking abt things we did last time, which is my problems w studying and how it affected me and my family

the thing is ive always had problems w studying, but my parents helped me a lot during elementary and middle school and i was always at the top of my class. then in highschool, we had a deal that i would study and do everything on my own.

only that worked out horribly and, no matter how hard i tried and told myself i could do it, i still had as much problems studying as i had before. my grades dropped and i was amongst the worst students in class and almost failed a few subjects.

my mom... didnt take that very well. we always argued, even before, because both of us are easily riled up, but it reached new levels. we would shout at each other and it was horrible. she would tell me i was lazy, i wasnt trying hard enough, i was wasting my potential, compared me to my classmates and friends from elementary/middle school, and it. really angered me and hurt me. because i knew i was trying, and i knew that i was different from them.

but what hurt me the most was that. i told her my problems multiple times, and i felt like she put fingers in her ears and didnt listen to me at all, only to say the things she said to me anyways.

she kept telling me those were all the usual teenage problems and that everyone else was dealing with the same things, and that they all just sucked it up and got over it.

and that ended up in me thinking i was stupid. because obviously thats what i was? i couldnt learn one lesson in weeks and some people did it in hours? and because obviously they had a hard time focusing too because thats completely normal, they just werent lazy or complaining like i was.

and the fact that i was feeling worse and worse every day until i started planning out ways i could commit suicide was also normal. because its just a part of teen angst, and everyone else felt like that. everyone else felt relieved when they scratched things like 'stupid' 'bitch' and 'i hate you/myself' on their arms and thighs. because everyone had passed through a phase when the only things they could feel were sadness or anger, and everyone else fought tears in the bus on their return home from school.

everyone else had to remind themselves they were happy and not depressed because they cant be depressed if they have a home and a family and were safe

i convinced myself that all of this was completely normal. its just how life worked, and i was a stupid, spoiled, lazy brat who just liked complaining and doing things i enjoy.

and tbh i still feel like this. like none of my feelings are valid, bc im just too sensitive and this is all perfectly normal.

anyways, we were talking abt my feelings and the entire situation this monday in much more depth and i cried and idk when was the last time i felt that upset and i had no idea it still hurt just as much as it did then. and it hurts because this is the first time my mom completely believed in all ive been telling her, over and over, all those years. but i also feel guilty for ever mentioning any of this

because mom finally believed me and i can see how upset she is that she didnt believe me and how she handled it all. and the worst part is, because im not someone who cant lie easily, when my psychologist asked me whether or not there was something she could do to make me feel better about it now, i immediately said no. because there isnt. and i saw how it broke her, and on one hand i cant lie and i dont want to lie, because this is important to me, to get it all out, but its hurting her and i dont want to see her hurt

she, my dad and grandma are my everything and i hate the thought of anything hurting them, and now im being the one hurting mom and thats fucking me up so bad

shes been rly quiet and every conversation weve had since has been awkward i hate it so much i wanna go back and make these sessions unhappen

and i guess digging up that stuff made me dig up other stuff id like to forget from back then and i feel like its all piling up on me at once and like its pulling me back to that mindset from back then and i really dont want to go back to that

#this is a mess and im sorry if you read this but im on mobile andcouldnt put it under a read more #but i had to say this somewhere #personal

[wereg0blin]

for the ask meme? all of them u thot

For ur and Cris' demand1. Think of the last person who said I love you, do you think they meant it?Yes!!!!! 2. Would you date an 18-year-old at the age you are now?UhHHHHHH it is 3 years older than me but hhhhhhh probably not3. When’s the last time you were aggravated and happy at the same time?Bicth ten mins ago4. Would you ever smile at a stranger?ALWAYS5. Is there someone mad because you’re dating/talking to the person you are?If there are they can go fuck themselves right in the butthole6. Have you heard a song that reminds you of someone today?CHOKE-I dont know how but they found me - mr seen aka my eX hHHhH7. What exactly are you wearing right now?a cute ass blouse thingy some tights and christmas deer antlers on top of a Santa hat8. How often do you listen to music?every chance i get9. Do you wear jeans or sweats more?jeans i guess10. Do you think your life will change dramatically before 2013?i dont even remember 201311. Are you a social or an antisocial person?both damn12. Have you ever kissed someone whose name begins with the letter ‘A’?On the cheek yes13. What about ‘R’?platonically yes14. Can you drive a stick shift?i can climb sticks???? does that count??? 15. Do you care if people talk badly about you?they 100% do and i dont really care bc everyone talks shit about everyone 16. Are you going out of town soon?i dont know how to reply to this because i live in two towns17. When was the last time you cried?Wednesday i think,, i wish i could cry more often 18. Have you ever told someone you loved them?i try to say it as much as i can bc i have a lot of love in my heart19. If you could change your eye color, would you?maybe a lighter blue bc gray blue isn't that pretty20. Is there a boy who you would do absolutely everything for?not counting evan,,, uhh Boys ARE A BLESSING TO THIS WORLD FUXK YEAH21. Name something you dislike about the day you’re having.am planning to tell mh parents abt my depression but hHHHHH22. Is it cute when guys kiss you on your forehead?if it has boy in it iT CUTE23. Are you dating the last person you talked to?NopE cris is like,,,, my best friend wtf24. What are you sitting on right now?b e d i t s o f t25. Does anyone regularly (other than family) tell you they love you?FRIENS. LOVE THEM. 26. Have you ever wanted someone you couldn’t have?ALL THW TIME B I TCH27. Who was the last person you talked to before you went to bed last night?my roommates 28. Do you get a lot of colds?nop, but when i do its fuxked up29. Where is the shirt you are wearing from?Switzerland 30. Does anyone hate you?yepity depity do and i hope they burn in hell fucking pieces of shits31. Do you have any empty alcohol bottles hidden somewhere in your room?it will be a cold day in hell when i drink my dudes32. Do you like watching scary movies?BITCH I L OV E MAKING FUN OF MOVIESSO SEEING SHITTY SCARY MOVIES IS A FUCKING BLESSING 33. Do you want your tongue pierced?Nah how tf am i gonna eat spicy shit then???? ¿¿¿¿34. If you had to delete one year of your life completely, which would it be?2015????or 2016??? i think that was the worst my depression ever was35. Did you have a dream last night?i think????? 36. When was the last time you told someone you loved them?right now37. Do you think you’ll be married in 5 years?hope not???? but then again???? kinda hope i do????? probably not doe38. Do you think someone has feelings for you?yes i know at least 2 boys and i feel so sorry for them39. Do you think someone is thinking about you right now?probs40. Did you have a good day yesterday?mmmeh41. Think back 2 months ago; were you in a relationship?oh shit i have no Fucking idea 42. In the next 48 hours, will you hang out with a girl?y e s43. Has anyone told you they don’t want to ever lose you?i think???? cris must've told me at least one time and evan too so Uhhhh i guess???? ¿¿¿¿44. What’s the best part about school?i get to have unnecessary crushes45. Do you have any pictures on your Facebook?ppppplenty46. Do you ever pass notes to your friends in school?yeah but he called me a slut and a whore 47. Do you replay things that have happened in your head?god fucking hell all the time 48. Were you single over the last summer?yep49. Is your life anything like it was two years ago?nope thank the whatever the fuck is out there 50. What are you supposed to be doing right now?sleeping i guess51. Do you hate the last guy you had a conversation with?evan is a precious cinnamon roll fuck off 52. Are you nice to everyone?YES YES YES YES ALWAYS as i saidk i l l t h e m w i t h k i n d n e s s53. Have you ever liked someone you didn’t expect to?h hh hhh fuCking tAke a wIld Gue Ss m854. Do you think you can last in a relationship for 6 months and not cheat?bitch when i cheat will be the day i cut my throat 55. Are you good at hiding your feelings?bad feelings? yescrushes? n0Pe56. Do you think you like someone?i think but i hope not57. Have you kissed someone whose name starts with a ‘J’?nop i do not Think so my dude 58. Do you prefer to be friends with girls or boys?why THE FUCK would that matter59. Has anyone of your friends ever seen you cry?current ones?? i dont think so??? 60. Do you hate anyone?nah i just,,,, strongly dislike themexcept the fucking bitches i called friends i hopr they die in a fire 61. How’s your heart?idk i guess ok??? im always okay62. Is there something that happened in your past that you hate talking about?not really pffft63. Have you ever cried over a guy?yes all the time,, boys r beautiful 64. Who is probably talking a load of crap about you right now?hmmmmmmmmm idk i can think of a few people but i hope not 65. Are your toenails painted pink?I W I S H66. Will your next kiss be a mistake?bih i wish i could have my first kiss67. Girls love it when boyfriends cry; correct?if boyfriend cries i cry thats bad 68. Have your pants ever fallen down in public?poor poor souls that actually had this happen to them69. Who was the last person you were on the phone with?my sister!!! 70. How do you look right now?bored Even doe im honestly just relaxed 71. Do you have someone you can be your complete self around?i do that with everyone bc if u don't like me u don't have tk be around me 72. Can you commit to one person?yes ofc!!!??? 73. Do you have someone of the opposite sex you can tell everything to?even bby ilu74. Have you ever felt replaced?i think?? yes probs75. Did you wake up cranky?nop76. Are you a jealous person?hhhhHA YOU DONT EVEN K N O W77. Are relationships ever worth it?Theyre fun but the end of them makes me wanna die78. Anyone you’re giving up on?crushes and teachers 79. Currently wanting to see anyone?3 more years bih u better wait for meand u too eben b safe u dork80. Name something you have to do tomorrow?sssstudy h81. Last person you cried in front of?mom82. Is there someone you will never forget?yyyES83. Do you think the person you have feelings for is protective of you?nope he doesn't really care about me anymore (although i dont think he ever did) 84. If the person you wish to be with were with you, what would you be doing right now?BICTH ID BE KISSING THAY THOT ALL OVER HER FACE AND WATCHING SAW AND VORING PIZZAEVEN DUDE HHHHELTS WATCH SAW 3 AND LAUGH AT THAT DUDE BREAKING HIS LEG AND THWN I CAN HUG YOU TILL I DIE FROM DEHYDRATION 85. Are you over your past?i ggggUess??? 86. Have you ever liked one of your best friends of the opposite sex?i have no idea 87. Is there anyone you can tell EVERYTHING to? @lady-misfortune @space-ace-sneevee @thelilshadowchild88. If your first true love knocked on your door with apology and presents, would you accept?what has been has been but i guess idk yet bc ive had like 1 bf for now 89. So, the last person you kissed just happens to arrive at your door at 3AM; do you let them in?never kissed 90. Have you ever liked someone who your friends hated?i guess???????? 91. Will you be in a relationship in 2 months?i sure as hell have no idea92. Is there anyone you know with the name Michael?Michael Jackson and I are best buddies bItch93. Have you ever kissed a Matthew?noPe94. Were you in a relationship in January? How was it going?i was in a relationship with my laptop and i didnt leave him from 7pm to 6am 95. Were you happy with the person you liked in March?he a dicky 96. Don’t tell me lies, is the last person you texted attractive?bicth fucjing prettiest people youll find97. Who do you have texts from?crissy gorl that im too lazy to reply to98. If the person you like says they like someone else, what would you say?happened to me and i said "glad u told me earlier i dont want u being with me if u r uncomfy" it did hurt like a fucking bitch doe99. Have you ever kissed someone older than you?bitch never kissed 100. Who’s in your profile picture with you?me, myself and i101. Ever kissed under fireworks?NEVER KISSED FFS102. Has anybody ever given you butterflies?IN a jar nicely packed and handed to me? no but stomach butterflies so bad i wanted to throw up? yes

[limpblotter]

Long Drive

a/n: One of my favorite, personal, underrated headcanons for my favorite boho girl.  Summary: Brooke takes her Prius to see someone she misses to give them news about something they missed out.  Warnings/themes: Coming out Story; incarceration; Acceptance  w/c:~2.1k

[myValentine 💋💖💦: Mall? 2:56am] Read [Bbae🌹💛☀️: nah, got stuff. Hmu latr 5:40am]Delivered

Brooke was up at six in the morning. She gathered herself up and went to the bullet blender in her kitchen finding a cute note scribbled on the counter in her mother’s handwriting. 

‘Mornin’ baby’ it read. 

River Lohst worked the graveyard shift as a nurse, which meant she was home, tired and Brooke was not about to blend up her special coffee with a teaspoon of coconut oil for regularity. A part of her wished Chloe was up at this time. On a Saturday her best friend was probably snoring (though Chloe denied it) away until noon.

It was a small pit stop to get some coffee on the way there. Brooke went into her daily routine of moisturizers and scents, a mix of vials of her own concoctions as well as things she got from working at Lush, making sure her face was soft, supple and well protected from the environments. She hopped into her mother’s car, a pastel yellow hatchback and took to the road.

It was a nice morning. The clouds dotted the graying, early morning sky. The sun had just barely broken passed the horizon line; it was the kind of morning Brooke could cruise for a while and gather her thoughts. Her destination was about three hours away or so depending how smooth high way traffic was. While she focused her eyes on the open road her mind began to wonder…

There wasn’t many times in her day Brooke got to really settle in with her emotions. She spent most of them freely being a high school girl. She was at the mall, groaning at her mom for being uncool, she hung out with friends, got drunk at parties (BAD UNDERAGE DON’T DO KIDS). But there were parts of Brooke that wasn’t a typical high school student. One thing was she had an air of style and creativity. She was a vegetarian. She was homely and somewhat humble for a girl that visited the mall regularly. There was a side to Brooke that didn’t encompass the sleepy drawl of a blonde who was seen as Middleborough’s second hottest teen.

There was a part of Brooke that she didn’t even know about herself. Not well, it was a part she had recently came to terms with one Pinkberry run at 8pm cutting it close to her car curfew time. She realized it then, watching her best friend devour an ice cream, lips coated slightly that there was a part of her she had been subconsciously denying. Over and over again.

A part of her that made cheerleading camp during her middle school days a nervous mess, that made being cheated on, though painful for her broken trust, didn’t sting as much when she no longer had a boyfriend. This part of her was now fully someone she wanted to know and more importantly someone she wanted someone else to get to know too.

The drive ended when she pulled into the heavily barricaded parking lot of a prison compound. She went through a routine line up by the door. Labeled with a paper sticker that read ‘visitor’ and a signup sheet with ID at the front was given to her then it was off to line up against a painfully plain linoleum wall.

Brooke jumped at the sound of a buzzer, the guards moved large, reinforced doors to a cafeteria like space with tables and several chairs. Brooke was batted done once more, scanned for metal and allowed in. She wrinkled her noise at the faint smell of sterile cleaning supplies and factory plastic. Nerves got to her as she waited, she began picking at her nail polish chipping the lime green gel paint right off.

The loud clash of a latch being broken, a door opening as prisoners in their bright orange get ups were lined up and handcuffs were removed as they entered. Brooke’s eyes perked up, she watched as several men waddled in, going to the table with a familiar face waiting. This part always worried her. She held her breath until she saw the face of a salt and pepper haired man, a fairly impressive beard that twinkled upward with a smile. “Daddy” Brooke stood up slow and was embraced by tender arms that squished her uncomfortably against him.

“There’s my girl.” Her father muttered patting the back of her head with slow, soft motions. He inhaled softly, took it in for a good minute or two before sitting down. “What do you think? I got a name on my uniform.” He motioned to the letters embroidered in his uniform. H. Lohst. “How’s your mom?”

“Same ol’ Same old. She’s been working the graveyard shifts like every week. I can’t make my morning coffee shakes.”

“You best mind your mother, turning on that blender you might as well be summoning satan.” He snickered, his voice raspy. Even as nice as he could look as a man in prison the smell of cigarettes made the small hairs in Brooke’s nose cringe. “Its good to see you, my lil babbling Brookey” Nevermind, that old pet name made her cringe.

“Daaaaad” Brooke covered her face, her round cheeks coated with a soft pinky blush of embarrassment; she placed her hand flat on the table. And slowly, with a small tremor, her father grasped it in his. She peeked up from her one hand covering her face and smiled. “…how have you been? Need anything in commissary…that isn’t a pack of Newports.”

Hunter gave a small guffaw followed by an ironic cough. “I know you didn’t drive out three hours to give your papa change for some ramen and ketchup packets.” He shook his head at her. “What do ya need, sweetie?”  There wasn’t much a father in prison can do for his family, which to Hunter was the worst part of punishment. He couldn’t do anything for his family; he couldn’t provide not even comfort let alone stability. “Brooke?”

What she needed? What did she need? Why did she drive out this far for a conversation she could have tried having over the phone when he called weekly. Why couldn’t have this waited…now she was here she couldn’t make something up. What she wanted…was his acceptance. “Daddy…its about…well…girl stuff.” She paused watching his eyes go wide for a second, “not like girly …girl but like…ugh…” She started wringing her brain for any drop of sense.

“Brooke Nicollete Lohst is this about a boy?” Her father got serious. Even though he was in prison, he was not there for his aggression or intimidation. Brooke deadpanned at his little show of machismo as he continued. “Because you tell him that you’ve got a daddy in jail and you’ve been takin; those kickboxing classes right?”

“Yes and self defense, daddy it’s not a boy issue.” Brooke squeezed his hand rushing over her words to stop him before this became something it wasn’t. “Daddy…it’s a girl thing”

“Sweetheart I’m lost you just said its not a girl thing, and shouldn’t this be the sort of thing you tell your mama? I know she’s working loads but she’s always up to hear you out..” he paused in mid thought. Her hand was shaking like she had been doused with cold water. Her grip was weak so he squeezed her a little firmer. “Brooke?”

“Its not about a /boy/ daddy” she licked her lips a few times. Right there, on the tip of her tongue the truth babbled out of Brooke. “Its about…girls.”

His face was still mildly confused.

“Because … I’m not interested in boys” she began to slowly clarify and watched as his confusion turned to intrigue. “I…am interested in…”

“Girls.” He finished so she wouldn’t have to struggle getting it all out.

Silence washed over them, Brooke felt her hand grow colder and clammier under her father’s now limp hold. His eyes were staring at her? Through her? As if he was trying to see inside her brain with some Xray vision. She wished he would smile, crack a cute mid-Western joke but he was stoic which terrified her. Her daddy, Brooke’s most important person, the first man she ever loved and probably the last.

Suddenly she felt her brain replay all their happy memories. Camping by the Lake in upstate New York, learning how to blow grass whistles, picking berries out in the open fields, and skipping rocks, having her dad drive her proudly to cheerleading camp. Very snuggle session to an animal based Disney movie, every cute kiss and table topic gut busting memory…would those be her last? Was this were it all severed. Was this were Brooke lost it all?

She forced her blue eyes to stare at her father, her now muted father. She couldn’t almost see into his eyes what he must have been thinking. The thoughts of meeting a man, having a son-in-law, kids, the normalcy that came with having a girl all changed? Was he going to miss it? Was he disappointed? Upset? Was he…

“Well at least I don’t gotta worry about you getting pregnant anytime soon eh?” His lips turned up into a half smile. “That is at least ten years added back to my life not havin’ worry of huntin’ down no good boys.” He beamed for a moment. He mused to himself over the fact he would remain her favorite guy. He mused over the new things he was going to be getting out of this.

“Dad you do understand what I’m saying?” Brooke leaned back against her chair, all that silence and all he had was a joke? That’s it? Not a how, or why? Brooke was half prepared to fight her way to acceptance but it just…came?

“You’re a lesbian, right?” Hunter answered honestly. “I’m glad you told me—“

“And you’re ok with that?”

Now he looked upset, his brows furrowed down the center making three deep creases in his forehead. “Brooke you listen to me, and you listen good.” He grabbed the back of her head and pressed their foreheads together. “You are my baby girl, I don’t care what you come up here with you’ll always be my baby. From the moment you cried in my arms there wasn’t a thing in this world I loved more than you and your momma. Now I don’t care what you do, lesbian, blonde, you can end up callin’ yourself Steve by the time I get out of here but I will love you until the day I die and some, you hear me?”

Brooke chest trembled. Silent sobs broke past her smile, she couldn’t even say yes if she wanted to. Her father’s chapped lips kissed her wet lids and ruffled the top of her hair. “Well…” She sniffled rubbing her eyes a bit, she noticed her father’s eyes were glossy too with emotion.

“Five minutes!” a guard shouted from the doorway. Had it been time already? She felt like she had just arrived. Then again that was usually how this went.

There was so much left she wanted to say, more things she wanted to make clear. Her father gripped her hand tight and smiled, “have you told her momma yet?” Brooke shook her head and he nodded. “So I’m the first?”

Brooke nodded, as the inmates one by one started to stand up. Her heart was both soaring and in pieces all the same. “I’m a daddy’s girl, I guess.” She fell into his arms and locked her fingers around his back. If she could, she would have stayed like this. Thrown a fit that she didn’t want to let him go like she did the first few times she visited him. None of it was enough, talking for an hour, his smile, his laugh, she wanted to steal him back home. Make the family whole again. But his acceptance…his love would be enough for as long as he had to be away. “Bye daddy…”

“See you next week?” He kissed her forehead five times before a guard, somewhat empathically stood there already clamping the cuffs back on to his wrists. Just like that he was whisked away, all the warmth and love moving with him behind that cold, heavy door.

She walked out to her car, tears freely rolling down her face. At least she wasn’t alone. She could see several families, loved ones struggling to recompose. Some were fully wailing outside the parking lot. Brooke held herself together long enough to get to her car, she sat there for a long moment, dabbing her eyes delicately with her ring fingertips.

Before taking off again she reached into her purse and pulled on a sticker. A flag with various stripes in shades of pink leading into white and stuck it up against her windshield. She stared at it for a long time and nodded. She pulled out of the compound’s parking lot, the prison disappearing behind her.

As the long drive began once again, she left with clear thoughts and the blessing of one good man with resonating within her.

#oneshot #fanfiction #fanfic #bmc #be more chill #brooke lohst #boho brooke #bohemian brooke #lesbian #coming out #lesbian brooke #father and daughter #pride #Hunter Lohst is what I'm calling Brooke's dad #and Brook's mom is River #Fucking sue me for the worse npc names but I'm sticking to them #parent in jail

[banjoremade]

all the questions except for selfie bc i know ur not comfy with that OwO

1. Any scars?ive got a tiny one on my hand from one time at school where a chisel got stuck in it 2. Self harmed?yeah uh , i haven’t done it in a little while which is good, im tryna stop doin that3. Crush?id lay my life down for a pan full of cookies 4. Kissed anyone?I’ve kissed several people and it was all disappointing 5. Coke or Pepsi?Coke ? Pepsi is too syrupy and sweet for me6. Someone you hate?There’s this one girl who I used to be friends with at my school for years till she almost broke my leg and blamed it on me ?¿We don’t talk anymore7. Best Friends?@sc00tz @dietapplesauce @lazybones25 @transscns & @yourbestestfriend !!8. Have you ever done alcohol or drugs?ive drank a few times but it’s ? not a continuing thing 9. What’s your dream job?I really just wanna be able to do animations and commissions and also like ? Have a patreon and maybe work at starbucks 10. Ever been in love?A few times I think ,? It was like fake tho cause i just kinda . Convinced myself I was Straight™ to have a crush on them, they were all a while ago11. Last time you cried?An hour ago 12. Favorite color?I really like hot pink, yellow, cyan, and purple !!13. Height?5'3 and ¾ of an inch 14. Birthday?June 9!!15. Eye color?A depressing really grayish blue ??16. Hair color?Dirtyish blonde17. What do you love?i really lov my friends and art18. Obsession?Undertale is like , one of my special interests I guess but I also really like the ocean and 80’s culture a lot19. If you had one wish, what would it be?To be able to spend a week w/my online Pals irl probably20. Do you love someone?Platonically ?? Yea I love a ton of people but romantically probs not atm21. Kiss or hug?I love hugs a lot and idk where people get the impression I don’t ?? 22. Nicknames people call you?Banjo/BangoMango/Bango/Bongo or basically any variation of that I guess23. Favorite song?HnNngh I have a lot of fave songs but Take on Me is a BOP24. Favorite band?HN N N there’s too many ,, 25. Worst thing that has ever happened to you?Lots of late night cryin and some Bad Shit26. Best thing that has ever happened to you?Idk there’s a lot to go off of ,, just generally any time w/my friends I guess27. Something you would change about yourself?I feel like I come off as really mean and stiff irl but it’s just because I like ?? Have a constantly angry default face and tone so probably that 28. Ever dated someone?Yea and ooh boy those were some fun times29. Worst mistake?I have a lot of bad minor ones that could probably add up to a big one 30. Watch the movie or read the book?It depends on the topic honestly ?? If the book isn’t a genre I enjoy then I like . Physically cannot read it31. Ever had a heartbreak?MmMmMhMMM 32. Favorite show?Steven Universe or OK K.O. probs33. Best day of your life?There’s a lot of rLLY good ones ,, 34. Any talents?I can do a flawless impression of the chocolate lady from spongebob and that’s . That’s it35. Do you wish you could ever start over?Yeah but only if like ,, I could rewind certain points? If that makes sense like go back to a set amount of time before and not all the way back36. Any bad habits?I chew on the inside of my mouth a lot and tend to like . Tap on things a lot and bounce my knees which annoys people 37. Ever had a near death experience?One time I went on the tower of terror when I was 4 and almost flew out of the seat (which would have caused me to fall n probs die)38. Someone I can tell anything to?everyone listed on the best friends list tbh39. Ever lost a loved one?a lot of my relatives have died but they were all like ,, people i barely knew 40. Do you believe in love?Yea ?? Pretty sure idk like it works for others but all of my relationships I’ve ever had have been because the other person wanted something out of it like . YouTube shoutouts or they’d gaslight me or whatever41. Someone you hate/Dislike?Woody from OldCP is a fiend and a coward42. Are you okay?I can’t put pictures on this post but pretend that one picture of marge simpson krumping is here43. Relationship status?single and ready to eat an entire bowl of macaroni

#self harm cw #gaslighting cw #death cw

[chaerismatic]

“SHOULD WE KNOW US A LITTLE BETTER” TAG 📜

RULES: you must answer these 92 statements and tag 20 a couple people [im too nyervous n bad at tagging :C]

i was tagged by @moonbebe , @monbeboo and @monbabi~ tysm ily guys w my whoooole heart ♡♡

THE LAST Drink: water wow already off to a rly interesting start,, great job angie Phone call: my mumma  Text message: “still full from the chicken, don't know if i want dindin” [asldkfjs i still talk to my mum like a four-year-old ok yep moving on] Song i’ve listened to: from zero,, aka the bop of the century that probably wont ever be released ;; v ;; Time you cried: i basically spent all of last weekend in the foetal position cos of the p101 final and shine forever

HAVE YOU 6. Dated someone twice: nope 7. Kissed someone and regretted it: nope 8. Been cheated on: nope 9. Lost someone special: yep 10. Been depressed: i guess 11. Gotten drunk and thrown up: nope,, im?? an egg 12-14. List three favorite colours: green, yellow, cream

IN THE LAST YEAR HAVE YOU 15. Made new friends: yess, especially here !! i don't rly deserve any of them and i love n admire every single person thats talked to me. ty ty ty ♡ 16. Fallen out of love: maybe, but idk if you could call whatever that was ‘love’ 17. Laughed until you cried: we had karaoke at my school today,, i nearly choked from screaming n dancing to the pokemon theme song 18. Found out someone was talking about you: don't think so eep 19. Met someone who changed you: for sure 20. Found out who your friends are: i think so 21. Kissed someone on your Facebook list: uhh yes

GENERAL 22. How many of your Facebook friends do you know in real life: all of ‘em 23. Do you have any pets: OK ASDLKFJA I LVOE MY BABIES; so u’ve got miffy my v bouncy dog n best pal, my two rly chirpy but rly sweet birbs toro and newbert, and my two goldfish who are,,, both named huat,,, because that means prosperity n i need that $$$ 24. Do you want to change your name: hmm nope i like it, esp my full name even though i don't rly like it when people call me by it just cos it feels too formal 25. What did you do for your last birthday: probably ate a lot of mexican food and played the sims 4 for like 10hrs straight 26. What time do you wake up: 7am on school days n like 11pm on weekends 27. What were you doing at midnight last night: having a v mild panic attack about my history exam but also watching my babies sewoon/gwanghyun in their first vlive 28. Name something you can’t wait for: jung sewoon to debut jfc 29. When was the last time you saw your mom: maybe like an hour ago when i was washing the dishes 30. What is one thing you wish you could change in your life: feeling more fulfilled and optimistic cos tbh ive got it really good compared to others n i hate when i forget that 31. What are you listening right now: why don't you know - chungha 32. Have you ever talked to a person named Tom: yep, a guy in my bio class that i barely know, he just asked for help w a question 33. Something that is getting on your nerves: my academic incompetency  34. Most visited website: youtube or tumblr 35. Moles: none 36. Marks: two lil dots under my right eye, one on my upper lip n a whole bunch on my arms 38. Hair color: black  39. Long or short hair: long 40. Do you have a crush on someone: huygnown jks sorry 41. What do you like about yourself: my ??softness tbh 42. Piercings: nope 43. Bloodtype: idk but i really wanna find out !!! ;;  44. Nickname: angie is a nickname i guess, but a lot of my school friends call me angle 45. Relationship status: dating a pretty cool guy (who is not hw but its fine i still kinda like him asldfjsal that was a rly weird n kinda messed up joke im sorry) 46. Zodiac: cancer 47. Pronouns: she/her 48. Favorite TV Show: orange is the new black, brooklyn nine nine, rick and forty, and a whooole lot of japanese dramas 49. Tattoos: nope 50. Right or left hand: right 51. Surgery: none 52. Hair dyed in different color: not currently but i had green ombre for a while last year 53. Sport: not really my thing if yknow what i mean hah im as active as an actual pile of garbage   55. Vacation: ive only ever had an extensive stay in malaysia but its like a second home n i love it so much c: 56. Pair of trainers: uhhhh one ? yes ? idrk what this is asking ;v;

MORE GENERAL 57. Eating: i had kfc for dinner mmmm 58. Drinking: water 59. I’m about to: pass out im so tired 61. Waiting for: monsta x’s first win !1!! 62. Want: to hug wonho,,, idk i feel extra protective of him today 63. Get married: for sure 64. Career: nursing/midwifery

WHICH IS BETTER 65.Hugs or kisses: hugs !!! warm n friendly or romantic n gentle,, you can't go wrong !! 66. Lips or eyes: both are v good, especially as a combination when someone smiles,,, smiling is rly rly nice 67. Shorter or taller: taller  68. Older or younger: older for now 70. Nice arms or nice stomach: asdfhasl both again !! both are SO good !!! esp soft tummies w comfy arms in hugs !! ;; - ;; 71. Sensitive or loud: sensitive  72. Hookup or relationship: relationship 73. Troublemaker or hesitant: hesitant

HAVE YOU EVER 74.Kissed a stranger: nope 75. Drank hard liquor: nope 76. Lost glasses/contact lenses: no but thats honestly my worst nightmare,, id be completely vulnerable 77. Turned someone down: yeah but in like the 5th grade 78. Sex on the first date: nope 79. Broken someone’s heart: maybe ,,, 80. Had your heart broken: probably fractured, not quite entirely shattered 81. Been arrested: nope 82. Cried when someone died: yessir 83. Fallen for a friend: way too many fkscifn times

DO YOU BELIEVE IN 84. Yourself: uhh probably not 85. Miracles: sure 86. Love at first sight: eh not really 87. Santa Claus: i rly want to cos i love christmas so much :cc but no 88. Kiss on the first date: mmm probably not 89. Angels: have u seen the all-white shine forever stage outfits amirite

OTHER 
90. Current best friend’s name: i have two bestest friends named annie and charlie 
91. Eye color: dark brown
 92. Favorite movie: WHY END WITH THE HARDEST QUESTION YOU COULD POSSIBLY ASK ME ??? ok um lets go w back to the future as one of many favourites

❀ tagging: @monbibi @peachminhyuk @cngkyns @chaesprincess @kukungie @bamethyst @omgxiaoch ! ❀ but feel free to ignore, this does take a really long time so i totally understand :) 

#it took so long n im semi-conscious rn but this was fun ❀ #n ty if you actually read any of this ;v; ily #about me

[missandrogyny]

anyway so like i was tagged by @cherrystreet to do this and im procrastinating getting into bed so here we are

a) Age: 20, but on some days i’m 12 and on other days i’m 30 b) Biggest fear: being the family failure  d) Drink you last had: iced non fat green tea latte from starbucks f) Favorite song atm: despacito, blow your mind (mwah) by dua lipa and everglow by coldplay g) Ghosts, are they real?: yeah i think so h) Hometown: everything comes back 2 u i) In love with: my baby cousin lia, my baby cousin mia, my baby cousin levi, my baby cousin jose.......i love babs jj) Jealous of: people who aren’t broke, people who don’t randomly wake up in the middle of the night to stress about something, & my parents who are in amsterdam/paris right now k) Killed someone: nah l) Last time you cried: i think last week? when i was stuck in the car for 3 hours and i was hungry & tired m) Middle name: i’ll just give u my chinese name...家燕 n) Number of siblings: 2 brothers ✨ o) one wish: that i get rich lol p) Person you last called/texted: shelly  q) Questions you are always being asked: “whats your real ethnicity” because apparently i look asian + something else r) Reasons to smile: when lia’s mom sends me funny videos of her s) Song last sung: despacito t) Time you woke up: like...10? but i woke up at 7 am and texted a bunch of ppl before going back to sleep u) Underwear color: nude haha v) Verse from a song you like: For bright lights and cityscapes And landslides and masquerades And she'll take all you ever have But I'm gonna love you You say, maybe it'll last this time But I'm gonna love you You never have to ask I'm gonna love you 'Til you start looking back w) Worst habit: falling asleep literally anywhere & everywgere x) X-rays you’ve had: chest! y) Your favorite food: salmon sashimi and ceasar salad (not together...but id totally eat it together too) z) Zodiac sign: leo

@britishhusbands im only tagging u do this

#tbd #hi it me

[mermaidgypsea]

I was tagged by the bestest, @formingasight because she's wonderful and knows I like to do these. A - Age: 29!! Exactly what she said --->> (Still in denial, feel very much how most people with chronic illness feel about birthdays). B - Biggest fear: Never being happy & I'm afraid of never being satisfied. C - Current time: 10:07 p.m. D - Drink you last had: Some high quality H2O E - Every day starts with: Fuck, what time is it? Then I drink a liter of water as I take my morning pills. F - Favorite song: at this moment in time it is It Ain't Me by Selena Gomez and Kygo. G - Ghosts, are they real: I believe so. H - Hometown: Cleveland, Ohio!! I - In love with: Clean bed sheets, songs that fit how I'm feeling, sunflowers, my kitchen aid mixer, looking at old family photos, Tom Hanks, new books, my fur babies, hand written notes/mail, hearing the rain outside my window, mainly the little things. J - Jealous of: My friends. Healthy people. People who can draw or even just doodle cause I can't draw for shit. K - Killed someone: Nah. I could. If I were protecting myself and/or my loved ones. I'm loyal to the end. L - Last time you cried: Few hours ago when I told my sister how late last week I highly considered taking pills and dying. M - Middle name: Michelle. N - Number of siblings: older step brother. & a younger brother. O- One wish: This is hard. I could wish to get better. I could wish for him to have never left and still be in love. I could wish that I had my confidence back. But when it all comes down to it, I'd wish this depression away. Even if I still have fibro and even with all the pain, I just wish I this depression was lifted. I don't want to feel like I should die anymore. I don't want to sob every time I look in the mirror anymore. P - Last person you called/texted: texted my mom who is in her room. Called my sister to catch-up. Q - Questions you’re always asked: "Did that hurt? (Regarding my tattoos) "Is your hair naturally curly?" "How are you feeling?" "Is this really your ID?" (Idk why no one ever believe my ID is real) R - Reasons to smile: when someone I love thinks of me, orange leafs, cooler weather, hoodies that are as comfy as your bed, dessert, new books, when my cats look so sweet, washi tape, new music that I instantly fall in love with, hikes, the water, when I stranger smiles at me. S - Song last sang: "Alaska" by Maggie rogers. T - Time you woke up: 9:45 am. U - Underwear color: Aqua blue. V - Vacation destination: Ireland, Canada, Alaska, what she said --->>. Hell, I want to go everywhere. W - Worst habit: Falling victim to the evil voices in my head, letting the pain get the best of me, and over thinking. X - X ray’s you’ve had: Exactly what she said---->>> Fuckloads. Pretty much my entire body, multiple times. Fun fact, my spine looks like a silly straw. (Except it's my neck that is a silly straw but so is my back to an extent) Y - Your favorite food: Iced coffee. Chocolate ice cream. Cereal. Z - Zodiac sign: Roaring Leo. I tag @whyyesiamawesome, @amybelle03, @dellowman.

#me #about me #about my life #spoonie

[cronagorgon]

tagged by @medlie​​

A- Age: 19 B- Biggest fear: crippling loneliness but also i have pretty bad claustrophobia and acrophobia C- Current time: 6:06pm D- Drink you last had: vanilla carnation breakfast shake E- Everyday starts with: pain and an hour of desperately trying to roll out of bed F- Favourite song: "hide and seek” by imogen heap G- Ghosts, are they real: absolutely H- Hometown: florida but i wont say where I- In love with: @theonceler :3c J- Jealous of: literally anything that breathes K- Killed someone: what does this one mean. who would say yes to this L- Last time you cried: 20 minutes ago . M- Middle name: "Fucking Sick Dragon” N- Number of siblings: 0 O- One wish: damn.. more wishes? happiness. maybe id wish for less depressing things to be happening all the time every day everywhere P- Person you last called/texted: @theonceler Q- Questions you’re always asked: if i’m in college and what i’m majoring in. im so tired of telling people im an ambiguous art major. please never ask me ever again R- Reasons to smile: fucking ..mushy shit.... but damn i love dragons.. ancient shit.. crona gorgon.. all of soul eater tbh. fuck and steven universe too.. mostly crona gorgon though // S- Song last sang: probably “go tell aunt rhody” but the resident evil version. whatever. its good T- Time you woke up: 10am. time i got up? 11 U- Underwear colour: i dont remember and i dont care to find out V- Vacation destination: yo so many places but id love to go to loch ness & meet nessie. i have complete confidence she will see the love in my heart for her and reveal herself to me though i have to find out how to row a boat out there alone because i cant trust a random tour guide to share my deepest feelings W- Worst habit: haha thats a good joke. what do you want a book? X- X-rays you’ve had: another weird question but i guess not a lot starts with x. i sprained my ankle in elementary and had to get x rays. hurt like fuck. had teeth x rays because i think everyone who goes to the dentist does at some point.. probably had more but i’ve already forgot Y- Your favourite food: cheese. many things with cheese on or in them Z- Zodiac sign: libra/libra

Tagging: anybody who wants to do this, just say i tagged you

#x #replies #medlie #tagged for me

[corwinideas]

It’s been a little bot since I’ve posted here, and that’s because the last month and some change have been so, incredibly, ridiculously full of activity, driving, and networking that I feel like I’ve barely been able to slow down enought to change my underwear, not to mention write a whole blog post.

However, this post has been sitting in drafts since the beginning of May. Other stuff just kept on happening, and I kept on waiting to post it. So, here comes the whirlwind update with lots and lots of photos!

A little over a month ago I was pushing hard to get back to work and reality after a whirlwind weekend involving 40 hours of driving, two days of competition awesome-ness, 4 states, another country one whole thesis reading and a fair amount of laughter (plus a whole audiobook).

It all started on a Wednesday evening. For the last few years, I’ve been quietly working on my Master’s Degree in Creative Writing. It’s actually the reason this whole blog came to be and has given me a lot of neat opportunities. It’s also been a fair amount of work! But, all in good fun. That Wednesday evening was my Thesis Reading. It was the thing I’ve been working on since the first class I took at Mt. Mary and I had to read part of it to a room full of people to see if they liked it.

The general consensus was positive. But you can check it out yourself! Here’s a link to the full, glorious escapade on YouTube!

It was an evening full of words, stories, and neat ideas. I was one of four people reading and all the readers did a great job!  Everyone told me it was great, so we’ll go with that. I’m always my own worst critic, so you’ll have to take a gander at it and let me know what you think.

After this reading, I had a celebratory beer and wings (literature!), then straight into the car to begin the epic drive (with my Dad!) to Quebec City, Canada. It was a 19-hour drive and we were starting it at 10:00pm.

It was a VERY long day.

After an eye-searing 27 hours or so, which did involve a pit stop in Kalamazoo (Thanks, Blake!) We were in Quebec City!

The next morning we were up and exploring the city a bit. We found some pretty cool stuff.

This slideshow requires JavaScript.

This slideshow requires JavaScript.

Once we finished our wandering and had some pretty kickass crepes for breakfast, it was time to get to work.

The whole reason for going to Canada was to compete in and photograph/video/write about the Quebec Open. This is a tournament that has been something of a rising star in the NASKA circuit for the last few years. The whole event was fantastic, and I loved it. If you want to know exactly what I thought of it, check out the SportMartialArts.com article here! Then look at some photos. I took some of them. I can’t tell you which ones, but lets just go with “the cool ones.”

I didn’t do too bad myself in the runoffs, but I also didn’t make it to the nighttime stage. Which is where the real glory of the Quebec Open struts its stuff.

Just look at that!

It was like something out of a movie and it was completely fantastic. For my first time, it was everything I was hoping for and a bit more. There were phenomenal competitors and the entire event ran incredibly smoothly and with a great sense of camaraderie. Plus, I had more than a little fun with all the staff at SportMartialArts.com and managed to have a great time with my Dad as well. This was actually his first time coming to a big tounament like this with me and seeing how it all runs and works from the non-spectator side. We had some good talks.

After the night show, I jumped into the car, picked Dad up from the hotel, and we drove through the night to get back to Madison.

All said and done, we put something like 3,000 miles on the car in 4 days. It was a whirlwind of gas stations, a Jack Reacher Audiobook, and a whole lot of conversation about every topic under the sun, and then a few that no light of day has ever seen.

It was absolutely fantastic.

The thing about crazy long road trips, however, is 9 hours or so after I got back to my apartment, I was back in the car and driving to work. Hello Monday, I sincerely don’t like you today!

But, being able to talk about both my tournament, the things I have learned, and the great competition I was able to be a part of, is something that I always think is invaluable to me, and to my students.

Fast forward a few days. It’s now Sunday. Lia and I have our first day together in what feels like 100 years and we bump around Madison on a gloriously sunny day, shopping, exploring, and generally being a couple together. Something that doesn’t happen nearly as often as it should (darn schedules!).

And we were able to have this moment on a sunny day over some local beer.

We had another beer. 

First grey hair! We laughed, we almost cried, and we had another round.

Fast forward another week and I’m at the Infinity National Championships.

Y’know. Doing karate stuff.

I could tell you all about it, but I ALSO wrote an article for them, which you can find here.

So, y’know, read that instead…

Last year I’d torn my hamstring and wasn’t able to compete. This year I was fully healthy and had a great time cimpetiting! I was able to snag first places in all of my divisions and wona  spot in the night show. Which Mr. Jacob Wolfmann has made an amazing video about. Check out Martial Studios for some really top notch work.

This tournament is always a lot of fun for several reasons.

It’s down the street and I can relax and not worry about lots of travel.

Many people there I’ve known for 10+ years. So, we just laugh a lot and do all the things we tell our students NOT to do at tournaments.

It’s got some great competition.

This year delivered on everything and then a little more.

And there’s the InfiniGreen!

I wasn’t able to pull the win in the finals, I did, however, have a whole lot of fun and hang out with some pretty great martial artists.

But, this wasn’t the end of my adventures. Because there was one thing looming on the horizon that I had been quietly planning and not prepping for AT ALL for a few months.

  We bought a family of boxes!

Nah, we moved.

Across the street.

Due to reasons of being less money. There was an apartment across the street that was opening up and we got a lot more bang for our buck. So, we moveds across the street and it involded something like 12 volunteers, two hand carts, a lot of swearing and donating a whole pile of stuff (which felt AWESOME).

And now we’re in the new place and we love it. And I’ve made the promise to never move again until the next time.

Nobody else thought that was funny, either.

But there was yet more going on. This past weekend was something very special.

I’ve also had a crew of candidates working their tails off at the dojo since February. This past weekend they pulled it all together and put on one heck of a test to earn their black belts. It was an absolutely wonderful thing to be a part of, and I couldn’t be prouder of all of them.

  I also graduated with my M.A. I would write more about it, but I honestly can’t remember where it falls in the midst of all the other stuff.

Despite all of this. In the face of all of the activity, accomplishments, adventures, and driving. There are still the moments where I don’t feel it’s enough. There is always so much more out there waiting for me to get to it. The other night I was thinking about the concept of Sonder.

Sonder is a neat idea. Let’s say you’re in a plane, looking down on a city through the window. There are all the lights and cars and busy activity that reminds you so much of an anthill. Sonder is the realiztion that each of those tiny little specks is another human with a life as rich, and complex, and varied as yours. It really snaps into focus the breathtaking complexity of humanity and has a way of grounding you (me, anyway) in the idea that we’re all a little lost at sea and just doing the best we can.

I was applying this idea of ridiculous complexity and depth to most things I seem to come across. Every adventure I listed up there had so many more facets that had to be taken care of and handled before I could compete, or go, or achieve. The final culmination is a molecule thin limning of sparkle over the enormous amount of work, effort, stress, and pressure that was required to get there.

It’s simultaneously wonderful and depressing. As are so many things in the world. I think of that like an emotional umami.

But, I digress.

Anyway, especially over the last month this conceptual Sonder has been a thing that I’ve appreciated more and more. Becuase it doesn’t just apply to my achievments. But to everything else. Throughout all of these adventures I’ve been watching huge efforts and sky high dreams become realized and I think about all the work that dedicated crew of people had to do to get there.

It’s really cool, inspiring, and more than a little humbling.

So, to all the people out there working on their dreams, or even on something that’s just hard. It’s worth it. And that depth and feeling of drowning that you might sometimes hit? It’s not just you, we’re all right there with you. Keep on keeping on and share that idea with the world.

I know I’m excited.

A List of Ingredients to a Jam Packed Month: Literature, Karate, Extreme Roadtripping, More Karate, Graduation, Moving and then some Karate. It's been a little bot since I've posted here, and that's because the last month and some change have been so, incredibly, ridiculously full of activity, driving, and networking that I feel like I've barely been able to slow down enought to change my underwear, not to mention write a whole blog post.

#Beer! #Canada! #Competition #Driving until my eyes bleed #LEARNING!!! #NASKA #Oh #Writing