#and didnt pay off well enough

[artisanalpeanutbutter]

I'm so glad my friends are (mostly) not book lovers bc holy shit I hate she who became the sun so much and if I was surrounded by people who love it I would not be able to talk to them until they got over the hype. I only liked abt half of it and I would explain my feelings but I don't feel like doing that rn.

Tldr though: I didn't think it was feminist at all and going in thinking it was a feminist piece of literature made it a bad read for me. I liked how the author explored another gender class through the eunuchs though. Should've contested the other main character's misogyny & toxic masculinity (maybe that's not the right term here but idgaf this is just a tumblr post) though (can't remember their name bc i read it so long ago. The monk)

#same with iron widow and this is how you whatever the time war #so disappointed #they were hyped up so much but were riddled with issues #i liked all the other books i read last year though!!! #couldnt finish mexican gothic though bc i think it just wasnt the right vibe. i want to give it another shot though bc i usually love the #genre :3 #it wasnt bad i just wasnt in the right mood at ALL #OH also i think the bladerunner movie is leagues better than do androids dream of electric sheep but the book was still a good read yk? #i think there were additional elements in the book that just weren't tied together well enough #and didnt pay off well enough #like the religion payoff felt bizarre relative to the rest of the contents of the book. didnt feel fleshed oht enough #but perhaps that was the point and it just didnt click with me #no hate to the ppl who liked these books btw #oh i forgot about babel entirely. picked it up bc i was told it was like. decolonial magic and language but it sooooooooo wasnt. maybe im #just stupid or expecting too much idfk

[whilomm]

note: pollmaker is thinking of the USAmerican lottery system (powerball, mega millions, state lottos, scratchoffs, etc), but poll applies to other countries lotteries systems so long as its still the same concept of "big ol state sponsered gambling shit", but not like casino style gambling. u know what i mean, Lottos.

questions for the tags: how regularly, what stuff you play, if you have limits for yourself, if you feel like its a Problem for you, and for funsies the usual 'first thing youd do if you won the lottery' shit

reblog to have absolutely zero effect on your luck either way. just like, absolutely no change in luck whether you reblog this or scroll past. this is the luck neutral post reblog in the next 30 seconds or dont who give a shit

#buzzy #REMAKING BECAUSE I FORGOT THE FUCKING NO OPTION CHRIST im bad at this #do u ever spend so long thinking about every possible 'OP WHY DIDNT YOU MAKE AN OPTION FOR THIS SPECIFIC SITUATION' #that u forget the fucking 'no' optik #polls #poll #lottery #lotteries #the lottery #gambling #okay to repeat my personal answers: yes but i do only $3 per week and ONLY the texas lotto #i do my lucky numbers and i do a multi draw (does the next ten drawings w the same numbers) so that i dont gotta #pay attention to it for a couple of weeks #which makes it less of A Thing #so im not activelt rhinking about it as much #im ya kno impulsive and in the past it was 'ohh $5 per week and scratchoffs' but that meant too much of a #'oh but this week ill spend an extra $5 ive been good....' #and it was too easy for me to justify going overboard #i know 'not playing at all' is the better option but this scratches the itch just enough that i dont feel tempted to impulse buy scratchoffs #while also being p hands off so im not obsessing over it as much #ya kno? #yeah im consistently wasting money but it keeps me from IMPULSIVELY wasting EVEN MORE money #and it means i can keep lotto winning dreams jn the back of my mind #also first thing id do is go to doctors and find out wtf is wrong w me #well not the FIRST first. first first is probs getting myself a little treat like some dutch bros

[carnivalcarriondiscarded]

Comedic Barnaby ask here again! I'm sorry, I meant your Modern Human au thingy, my bad lmao.

ohhh ok - was just informed that you probably mean comedian, which makes a lot more sense than what my mind was interpreting!

he does actually do little side gigs around comedy! he even got a degree in clowning, but his main job (at the "present day" part of the timeline) is bartending at the same queer club that Eddie does drag performances in! sometimes Barns will open a show etc with a lil' stand-up act, and when he can, he'll do other comedy-based stuff at local venues

#the only reason its not his Main thing is because... well things change you know? life happens #i approached everyone's jobs and timelines as Realistically as possible while still keeping it uhhhh Fun! #and i think it would be interesting if his lifelong passion didnt really work out the way he hoped #so he's the area's most entertaining bartender! #and during county fair season he'll take extra shifts / weekend gigs at the uh. county fair #julie does as well actually! #she'll be over there running a dart-throwing booth and barnaby's across the way making balloon animals etc #carnival companions! #rambles from the bog #wh modern human au #barnaby claims to be doing all the side gigs for extra money to pay for his & wally's place #but everyone knows wally makes enough money off of his art that barnaby doesnt Need extra jobs #but hey! he's doin what he loves so! #and a lil extra cash in the pocket never hurt anyone #it just means higher quality cat food for Welcome <3

[hella1975]

basically threw away £20 on my nails today so was already getting weird bc i apparently cannot be normal about money and then my paycheck came through just for my manager to have knocked off 11 hours worth of pay. so naturally i am crying in a dark room about it

#this is such a girl moment wdym you’re crying about your fucking nails. couldn’t explain it to you if i tried #im just an utter FREAK about money and then for my payslip to get fucked as well. whyyyyy would you do that #im not built for the working world truly idk how sensitive people do it bc i am NOT im tough as shit 99% of the time and i STILL can’t deal #just give me my fucking money it’s not fair 😭😭😭 i worked hard 😭😭😭 #and the dumbest brattiest part of this is that the thing that tipped me over the edge is that my mum didn’t offer to pay for my nails #like how ridiculous and spoiled is that but still i was so so angry at myself about fucking them up and it’s £25 to get them done tomorrow #and I’ve worked so hard for her this summer and both days I’ve been in town I’ve got her things #like nothing spenny but I’ve just thought of her and got her things I know she’d like just to be nice #and £25 is NOTHING TO HER AND SHE DIDNT EVEN OFFER 😭😭 she even joked it off #she was like ‘your dad would offer to pay if he was here but I believe in lessons’ GIRL FUCK YOUR LESSONS I WANT MY NAILS DONE 😭😭😭 #why am i actually in tears over this. this is so silly. now all my money is fucked and im going to be the skint one when we go to dublin #AS USUAL. even though i worked hard and clocked the hours it still got fucked bc im fucking. cursed #im aware im being dramatic and this isn’t even about the amount of money i have atm i promise this isn’t some desperate bankruptcy claim #like for once im actually fine money wise it’s just all been FUCKED and my dates are now FUCKED bc i have to wait for next paycheck now #and it’s so unfair bc usually things go wrong for me bc im DUMB and mess it up LIKE MY NAIL APPOINTMENT #but for work and dublin i literally planned it perfectly and did the hours and it still didn’t work #like what is WRONG with me. i hate being an adult i need a sugar daddy ive had enough #the message I sent my manager…. scathing…. ik his scared of confrontation ass is panicking. give me my fucking MONEY #hella goes home

[scoreplings]

dropping out of college for the second time. i think after this i need to get a hands-on job that doesn't require a degree but is in my field. cuz a lot of those will pay you to go to school. and ive always stayed on top of it when somebody else's money was on the line (dumb)

#i want to scream and cry and throw up i am TWENTY.... augh. #talked abt it with my boy last night tho and he helped a lot #i was so scared. cuz ive never had a friend or anyone im close with be like... supportive abt it. #obvs he wasnt like 'yeah drop out of school thats awesome' #but he wasnt mad at me at all and didnt lecture me or look disappointed #and he hugged me and he said he was sorry because he promised to help and didnt ;-; #i wasnt even thinking abt that. its my job to make sure im on top of that not his. #but ik i need support with that. and it felt so nice to have someone acknowledge that and say they should have given it to me. augghhh. #hes so good to me its crazy. anyway. #next fall. i will attempt again. the goal is to take 1 class i am interested in and 1 i actually Need. #instead of two i need but hate. #and he is going to help me with it #Well thats sort of plan b. i am also applying to any jobs i can find that are in my field and pay enough for me to live off

[ryanxross]

i dont use this word lightly but my roommate is the biggest narcissist ive ever fucking met and that is fucking saying something

#shes MAD at me that im sick because i guess im not paying her enough fucking attention since im on ordered bed rest. #like are you fucking kidding me #and then shes gaslighting and manipulating me into feeling bad about it because i was like ‘i am on medical orders to stay in bed and not #talk what do you want from me’ #and her response? ‘well i wish you wouldve told me! were friends i wish you would tell me things!’ #and literally the only words I’ve exchanged with her in the psy week have been her asking if somethings wrong and me telling her i dont feel #well and her being like oh what is it and me saying its my lungs being shitty again #like i have said that to her so many fucking times #and shes STILL upset that im not giving her attention and acting like i owe it to her?????? #im not your fucking mom or your babysitter!!!!!! #you are 33 and nearly a decade fucking older than me. act like it for fucks sake #like literally just fuck all the way off #personal #its also like i dont owe you information about my provate medical problems??? #what finally prompted me to message her was he going in the most bitchy fucking voice #‘well if you dont feel well then you need to call a doctor And not just stay in your room’ #like a voice CLEARLY fucking implying she didnt believe i didnt feel well #so I finally was like i HAVE seen a doctor so fuck off #like this is the last thing i should be dealing with when i dont fucking feel well!!!! #and also SHES bwen sick and hacking up a fucking lung without covering her mouth #so YES ive been avoiding her too bc i dont want to get sick!!!! I literally cannot afford to get sick rn id end up in the hospital #and shes offended by that bc ‘its not covid i tested’ and its like okay thats freat but 1) i dont trust your ability to take a covid test #properly since you literally dont know how to do anything #and 2) i domt want whatever the fuck else you have???????? #its just all so fucking infuriating

[be-good-to-bugs]

i need to stop staying up so late when i need to work the next day augggg

#the bin #i work at 11am at least so i do still have awhile till i need to get up #usually i work 4 hours earlier so im lucky i guess. not exactly tho bc i much prefer morning shifts but whatevs #i texted my sister today to ask if she can come this weekend but she didnt respond. hhh. im gonna be so mad if she says no #i just realized im abt to be out of cat food too so she HAS to comw at some point soon #it doenst even have to be the weekend. thats just the days she has off but if she can stop by anotehr time then thats fine #or if just her boyfriend can come drop stuff off and pickup her card then thats fine. but idk. i even offered to lend her gas money if my #next paycheck is enough to allow that. i shoudo get it tomorrow or the day afeyr so. well. hhhh. #i hope my paycheck isnt too bad. i think tips were pretty good recently so. maybe it wond be so bad. hhhh. #im tired of being stressed abt this stuff all the time. im really pissed at my sister rn too bc she just bought $40 worth of unnecessary #stuff. like. decor. while she still owes me $300 which i only lent bc it was for rent and i knew i wouldnt need it back for almost a month #but its been that time now and i need it back and instead of sensing it back she buys a $20 wall tapestry apparently #hhh. last yime i ever ever ever lend her money. im only gonna lend gas money bc i need her here soon. but she also needs to amde the trip #bc she has a card here to pickup. and theres several other reasons shes supposed to stop by. it shouldnt have to be my responsibility to #pay for that trip. hhhh. #im so glad i wont have to deal with her in a month

[nomaishuttle]

freaking out again . kills myself

#my mom said she could cover half my ticket but she said that when the ticket was 400 and then i found one for like 200 but i dont have #enough to get that even not even half of it but i think shell still only pay half which is fair #but also she wont have money until the end of the month but im supposed to leave on the sixth #so i need to get the tickets like right now before the prices go up but i cant bc i Dont have the money #but i rly rly rly need to get this figured out #bc im not just visiting for fun. i also have to get my root canal finished #bc the fake tooths literally chipping off i neeeddd it finished and my old insurance is covering it so i need. i just need it #but i dont know how to bring it up again like. and i dont. ayfhfjrbffngkgngj #i need to get my license updated as well like badly so that i have an id for the uhm. flighg #i have a rpettyy good amt of time to do it but i cant drive myself soi rly rly rly need to vet that #UGHH. im just rly fucking scared #i cant sleep im like..worrying so bad but i cant do anyrhing right now #and my dad gave me a hundred bc my acct was in rhe negative bc of the fucking. late payment things which i dont even know how they happened #bc i had enough money for the things i ws buying but its. whatever idk #im just rly rly rly fucking worried again #im judt like. im rly rly rly freaking out #and the job is like. he said hedgetvack tome by the end of the week but today issaturday and i didnt hear anything #but even if i get it it pays on the 20th and 5th of everry month #so i wouldnt get enouguh money in time to get a ticket i dont think #even if i started working like. day after tmrw thatd be what. 3 days pay b4 the paycheck and idek when the pay epriod is ykwim #im just..rly rly rly scared basically #idk what to do at all and its. once this trip is over itll literally be fine i just need this trip to be over and finished and then i cn #figure out job #but i rly rly tly need the reply #bc i havent been likee. applying for new jobs jic i get this one Which was fuckin stupid #im just like.UGH!! im rly rly freaked out is all

[qqweebird]

roommate currently throwing a 24 hour hissy fit bc i told her to shut up and stop being passive aggressive when she has a complaint. literally stomping around and slamming doors cus shes mad. you dont even pay for the lights bitch. anyway i maxed out the tags on this post stay safe down there

#currently our electricity bill is weird so its split 50/50 me and saturn #instead of 3 ways between the 3 of us #i hoped maybe this month it would be fixed but it wasnt #and a few days ago i brought it up to her and said i was tired of paying 50% and we should take care of it that night #and she said ‘ok also it probably wouldnt be so high if we didnt leave unnecessary lights on 24/7’ #its literally Not that high its only high for me n saturn cus we have to pay 50%. #lights Arent left on 24/7 im literally a light freak #if i believe its not necessary to be on i turn it the fuck off!! #then yesterday saturn said that he was going to make a schedule for us to stay on track w taking out the garbage #because literally last week she complained that he and i dont take care of it enough #(not true. straight up not true. saturn takes care of it the most. she was just mad that nobody had tied up the full bag) #(​which.. she is also… responsible for if she sees its time for it to be tied up..) #and she said ‘well thats probably something you should have talked to us about first but whatever’ #(we literally have discussed creating a chore list. like. five times. and just nobody took the initiative.) #and then continued with ‘lets stop leaving dishes in the sink when the dishwasher is empty :// it looks trashy’ #and thats when i snapped cus good god. #she was ONLY upset about that bc she cleaned the kitchen last week. the ONLY time shes done a full kitchen-clean. #thats not me inferring she said ‘its annoying when i do all the dishes and then when i get back from the weekend the sink is full again 🙄’ #mother…. FUCKER #it wasnt even FULL there were just like two pizza pans that made it look like more than it was ?? #she fr said shes the backbone of this house after she cleaned the kitchen. that was dirty from HER cooking messes #& then had the audacity to say ‘ive asked everyone and theyve all said the apartment looks like shit’ #and shes soooo pissy about people ‘talking shit’ about her when none of us have ever done that and then she goes and literally just #for real talks mad fucking shit without coming to me and saturn first to clarify her expectations #like we ALL say ‘ugh yeah the apartment is a mess we really gotta take care of that’ (never takes care of it bc we are busy/tired/adhd) #my guy you cant fault an adhd household for having clutter and backed up chores. #if she started having a problem with anything all she needed to say was ‘hey can you do x please?’ #not ‘we should have some day a week that we clean the common areas’ followed by never actually initiating it #like she really said we should do this as a group but then herself never tried to. make that happen when she needed it to happen. #personal

[not-the-grave]

the depth of abandonment trauma i'm discovering i have is kind of insane

#my dad was absent by choice and my mom by circumstance and i raised myself #god. that's fucked up #i saw a reel earlier about growing up with an absent mother and it just stung me to my core #all the little things i forgot. coming to her about something and i couldn't show her it. she would be napping or praying or something #and want me to leave her alone. or i would want to tell her about things and she wouldn't feel well and i would never get the chance #i asked her so many times when i was a teenager if we could do things and she was always too busy or not feeling well or forgot #or couldnt or wasnt interested. and then she would complain we never spent time together or did anything fun #she didnt go to any of my plays. or my graduation celebrations #or my choir performances. i had to drop clubs to take care of her #she would be on the phone when i needed to talk to her about things or ignore me after my dad gave me verbal beatings to sleep #and i would have to sit in the hall and cry quietly from like ages 7-10 for her to pay any attention when it got late #i had to hide food wrappers in the trash because she restricted the kind of food i could eat and did the crunchy mom food shaming thing #i didnt tell her about my friends or my life or my online world or even when i was being stalked by my ex. because she wouldn't listen #i just felt quiet and small and worthless around her. nothing was ever a big enough problem for her for it to be worth anything more than a #one-off discussion that she would forget about. all she ever talked about was my brother and she gave him so many more chances than me #i love her still. she's done a lot of good things for me and my partner #and she's learning how to be better and she tried her best with a tbi and shitty marriage and other stuff #that being said. she still doesnt feel like my mother #an aunt if anything. but i dont think i can ever really see her as my mother #because she took all my care and kindness and then left me to raise myself when i needed her. both intentionally and not #and i dont know how to forgive her for that #wow! thats therapy topics for latwer. goddamn. #vent

[sad--tree]

extremely inconvenient 2 me, a person who works saturday to tuesday, that both stat hols are on mondays :|

#so like. i work 2 days. 1 day off. then work 1 more day #also theyre cutting ppls hours im p sure (not mine tho afaik) which. Does Not Bode Well 4 my chances of a raise in the new year..... #WHERE is my 4 day weekend i DESERVE it :((((( Utterly Tragic :'( #i didnt even get a raise THIS year and NO minimum wage increase Does Not Count!!!!! #rage. despair. suffering. etc etc #still not enough 2 make me go back to 5 days a week tho theres only so much soulsucking retail warehouse labour i can tolerate #and 1 more day a week is hardly gonna make moving out of my parents house suddenly affordable #what with the like $1700+ 1bd rents in this godforsaken city. fucking bonkers my dudes #fingers crossed my job search goes better in the new year 🤞🤞🤞 PLS get me OUT of retail and IN to public service. #i have 2 diplomas!!! and im currently making 30 cents above min wage so u Know my standards are low!!! #altho i have developed an eternal grudge against CMHC for being the only gov job listings asking for full on undergrad degrees for IT/CS #the minimum educational standard for the ENTIRE REST OF THE GOVT is a 2 yr college diploma #and they want a DEGREE? for FRONT END DEVELOPER? aka probably the easiest programming thing to self teach imo??? #they sure do pay a fucking boatload tho. stupid crown corps..... (idek if it is a crown corp i guessin lol)

[two-calicos-in-a-trenchcoat]

Chewby finally has a tie out thats chewby sized instead of layla sized

#the other one finally broke enough to annoy my dad lol #one of the clips broke completely last week and my parents had just been using the loop that it was attached to #to loop the leash itself through and then clip the other side onto the stake that holds it in place #which seemed like a weird choice to me #like. why not just loop it around the stake and then attach the end that still has a clip to chewby??? #but whatever #we got a new one now #the old one held up surprisingly well for awhile there tho #considering it was for a less than 20 pound dog and chewby is 63 pounds #and was also several years old #like it had a lot of spots where the casing on the wire had worn off and rusted #it helps that chewby didnt pull on it much #layla yanked on it a lot trying to get after rabbits #chewby ignores rabbits until they run #as long as theyre just wandering around leisurely eating clover she just vibes with them #as long as they dont run shes chill #if layla saw a rabbit she charged them regardless of what the rabbit was doing #chewbys killed a squirrel before but that was when she was still with mike and mike didnt feed her well #she barely even pays attention to squirrels now #shes far less high strung than she used to be #like shes still much higher energy than layla ever was #and she still doesnt like being alone #but shes able to chill out now when my dad leaves

[the-acid-pear]

I just realized my issue w picky eaters isn't that it pisses me off to not see them in misery or something, it's just that they make me feel the same as when someone doesn't it; it upsets me that they are doing something so actively harmful to themselves. Bc a balanced diet isn't just necessary to look skinny hot 🤪 etc (doesn't even do that i can confirm) but it's also needed bc so many parts of your body need different things....... Like, unless you take vitamins, you gotta mix up your diet you need to eat fresh vegetables you need iron you need more shit!! When you don't eat it's just the same, you are neglecting your body of said things, and like, i don't think it's a bad thing to be upset about!!!

#luly talks #I've been struggling w this for a while bc i didnt get why it pissed me off sm but here it is why #esp when ppl try to make it all oh well nuthin wrong w only eating two (2) foods uwu LIKE NOOO YES IT ISSS #IT'S LIKE THE BRUSHING YOUR TEETH BS YOU HAVE TO BRUSH YOUR TEETH AND YOU HAVE TO GIVE YOUR BODY DIFFERENT THINGS TO SURVIVE #SOBBING SCREAMING WAILING PUNCHING A WALL #actually im starting to think this is related to the lack of public healthcare because i feel like some of these ppl have not like. #what do you call it? get a checkup? to find out what your body needs and lacks #which i dont even blame them for it bc if i had to choose between paying rent and going to the doctor i know what i would choose #BUT MY POINT FUCKING STANDS REGARDLESS #LIKE JUST EATING ANYTHING ISNT ENOUGH YOU GOTTA MIX IT UP YOU. AAUSUGUGUJHN LISTEN TO SOME NUTRITION EXPERT THEY'LL TELL YOU THE SAME #SOMETHING SOMETHING LISTEN TO YOUR BODIES ETC

[penisliker-moved]

also. rly funny my dad rly wants to give my girl th shovel talk but it doesnt live here. and he hasnt met it yet..so he just tells me "HE BETTER WATCH HIMSELF... HE BETTER TREAT YOU RIGHT" and its like yes father. ik. ik. yes

#hes like pissy abt me moving in so quick but like..girlie im not gonna pay for like. 5 plane tickets when i could just pay for 3 yk.. #i get why he wants to go meet him first and then move me up but like. im already gonna be moving in half a month after my roommates #im not gonna wait another month On top of that.. #n im still letting my dad meet him n everything. i just rly wish hed stop acting like hals Some rando off the internet who i met two weeks #go. like weve been friends for 5 years dating for 2 years and weve done videocalls weve done normal calls weve sent pictures like. yk... #i get it but aughhh. AND AGAIN im still letting him meet it.. ykyk. bc hes prolly gonna stay with us for a couple days bc hes got th first #week.of.march off. bc that ws when i ws gonna visit #n like..i rly didnt realize the move ws gonna take this long yk #its not like hes saying You cant do that but hes just #yk. complaining a little bit and like I get it ismt super convenient and i ws expecting it to take a bit longer but. we were aware id be #moving #n also. idk what he thinks would happen that would make me visit hal and then decide i dont wanna live with it avtually..yk #im not at ALL worried abt how hal will act bc hes like. super nice and polite n ik he wont do anything awful #im mainly worried abt how my dad will act bc he makes Being an asshole a personality trait #not even me being judgy he Says that. like he says Yeah im an asshole but im porud of that ^-^ #n m just. aghhh im so worried basically.. i rly rly rly want it to go well #but ya. i dont think its an issue t like. move in now bc idk what the alternative is. just visiting a ton until my dad decides weve spent #enough time together In person to be allowed t move in?? yk? thats such a waste of money and i cant afford that Neither can my dad Neither #can hal. so like. YK #im just scares basicslly. im rly excited for the apartment but theres So much i need t get in order.. and thats whats like.kind of annoying #me bc my parends r acting like i chose for it tk happen so quickly like..no i ws expecting way later but this is how it happened.. its like #im also inconvenienced by this yk. im mot gonna be able to get my name change done like i ws planning #but. this is how it happened n.im excited t live with hal and our roommates also bc theyre both awwsome... i just wish my parents woulf #stop treating me like im stupid or like. rushing into this like No dude me and hal have been planning to live together Legit since before #we started dating ! yk! like if i had been like OMGG im gonna move in with my online friend like. the first time me and hal talked abt it #THEN its be like.. Um.. no you arent lol. bc that ws only s couple months into knowing him.and also i ws 13 so #but like. IDKKK BASICALLY !!! #sry these tags are Oh so long. but your know how it is... #AND its so hard to find a list of like. things i need to get together before the move #i cn find lists for moving out at 18 and moving across the country but not. combined.. n i feel like theres so manh things i need to get in

[tinylittlebab]

hmm.

#ack. i wanna but a scale so bad but idk how much money i have rn #well at least since im restricting again ill have more money since i dont spend it all on food #wish i could get a job but id have to walk to it and i cant in the weather so im gonna wait till spring or summer #might wait till i turn 18 bc ill have way more options so i might aswell. its only like 2 months off from when i could even get one at all #hmmm. ill have to ask my mom to tell me how much is on my card bc i cant check it myself. im kinda regretting letting my sister not pay me #back immediately for $30 bc then i could buy a scale rn but she doesnt have much rn so whatever #going another month without a scale wont kill me. for the majority of the time before i recoved it didnt have a scale so whatever #but i remember feeling so awful not even knowing if the pain i put myself through did anything so idk if its worth that #i fall ever enough as is with my pots so idk if i wanna add starvation to tye mix when i cant even see the numbers drop #well. ill find out how much i have today and if i have a fair bit then ill buy one soon but if not then ill just cry ig #idk. i feel stupid for relapsing. i KNOW.it feels terrible and i dont even care much about getting skinny. i just miss starving myself #its not about getting skinny its just about seeing the number go down and hurting myself and i know it doesnt actually feel good but like #idk. my life has felt chaotic and out of control recently and i need something to hold on to even if it kills me #i dont even wanna die anymore either. i used to but now i dont. i have life plans that i wanna pursue. im not stuck in a moldy house with #people who abuse me. i live with my only friend in a place where i can actually go places. not many places but theres at least something #idk. i think itd be easier to be ok if i had other friends but i just have my sister. i dont even know how or where you meet people #everything i read either says scool for minors or bars for adults which is useless to me. the only others things are things not around me #idk. i guess ill have to get a car eventually and when i do that then i can go places. i feel so bleh lately #i just. i wanna be sickly and skinny. not bc i think im ugly but bc i wanna be sick. i dont dislike my appearance. im relatively thin #not that it matters bc theres nothing wrong with being fat but like. idk. i used to hate my appearance so much but i dont now #so it feels so weird that im relapsing anyway #idk

[medium-rare-bimbo]

Mean! Perv! Billy Hargrove x innocent! Pastor daughter! Reader

♡masterlist♡

MINORS DNI

Contains: Dub con, somnophilia near the end

༺*:ﾟ･✧･:*:ﾟ･♡ readmore ♡･ﾟ:*:･✧･ﾟ:*༻

♡ He would see you around town with your short dresses and the rosary hanging around your neck

♡ he thought you were so cute but you stayed away from him like the plague, your father told you all about billy hargrove how he was a womanizer, too consumed by lust, how he was no good.

♡ you had never actually spoken to billy, you had made eye contact a few times but you would quickly run off, that is until he was dragged to your father's church by his dad

♡ there he saw you standing near your mother at the front of the church, while your father gave a speech about something he didnt care about. He watched your doe eyes wonder around the church paying more attention to the stained glass windows

♡ he came up to you as everyone was talking, he stalked behind you noticing you were nervously playing with your fingers as if you didnt know what to do with your hands. You jumped when you felt his breathe on your neck

♡ shocked to see billy Hargrove of all people behind you, he cornered you against the wall trapping you from escaping.

"I- um cant talk right now m-my dad is probably wondering where I am I have to go-"

"Hold your horses princess, I just want to talk about our lord and saviour"

"You can talk to my dad he- um he knows a lot more than me"

♡ he somehow manages to keep you talking to him, enough to get you to ramble and prolong the conversation

"That is a lovely dress, it looks so beautiful you"

"Thanks my mom got it for me- actually she gets all my clothes, I'm not allowed to buy myself clothes without her permission- BUT I- i dont mind, I like what she picks out, makes me look nice a-and I dont like choosing things I'm very indecisive and I would probably be there all day so I'm actually happy she chooses my clothes because-"

♡ he simply stares at you while you talk not interrupting simply listening to you speak. He knows he makes you nervous, the way your eyes dart everywhere except his is laughable

♡ unfortunately the conversation is cut short by your father and his dad

"Billy hargrove, come to make a mockery out of my daughter?"

"No sir I've actually seen the light, your daughter was just telling me about you gorgeous church and how much of a loyal man you are to god. Honestly sir I have so much respect for you"

"I- well thank you- I've been doveted to our lord for as long as I remember it's nice for someone to finally acknowledge my efforts. I'm happy to help you find your way to god and banish those demons for good, your father and I were just talking about hanging out at my house perhaps you can come along, I'm sure Y/N is happy to help you with your journey"

"That would be lovely sir"

♡ who knew it sould be so easy to get access to you when he fuel your father's ego?

♡ the next week billy happily went over to your house, you were sat at the dining room table with a bible infront of you as well as some other books and sheets once again refusing to make eye contact with him as your father lead him to you.

♡ you meekly asked him a few questions about how much he knew and where he would like to start off on

"Wherever you would like doll"

♡ billy didnt pay attention to anything you were saying this time, too busy looking at the photos around your house and the decor. He only looked back at you when stumbled over your words and looked like you were on the verge of tears

"What's wrong sweetheart? You okay?"

"I- um I just dont think I'm the person you should be doing this with- i- I dont know why my dad put you up to this- I've never done this before I dont know what I'm doing"

♡ he smiled as tears rolled down your cheeks, your lips forming a pout which sent a shock down to his forming hard on. He placed his hand on your thigh causing you jolt

"That's okay, you're doing so good for me already. I already feel like a worthy man"

♡ you placed your hand on top of his, playing with his fingers as he massaged circles into your soft skin.

♡ he slid his hands further between your thighs, now feeling up your flesh and slowly making his way to the flower in between your legs

"Y-you cant do that you shouldnt be touching there- I- were not married- I'm going to go to hell if you do that-"

♡ you made no actual attempt at removing his hand, simply holding his wrist as he stared at you smirking, he glanced around to see if anyone was near.

"You're not going to hell it's not like we're doing anything against the lords rules, I'm just touching you. It cant be bad if it feels good, can it?"

♡ he grazes his lips over yours letting you smell the cigarettes and mint gum on his breathe, soon removing himself from you and turning to the table as the adults walk in

"Everything going okay In here?"

"Absolutely sir, Y/N here was just telling me about easter"

♡ your meetings soon became a scheduled event and nothing else had happened since that first meeting

♡ that was until your father had left you alone with billy, a horrible mistake on his part

♡ when he first noticed the quietness in the house he was worried he got the wrong date that is until you meekly walked out of the shadows and lead him to your usual spot at the dining table

"Where's your parents?"

"Hes out with your dad I- i think they're fishing.."

"What about your mom?"

"Shes at her book club..."

♡ the giddiness in billy was comparable to a child on Christmas. over the weeks he had gained your trust, convincing you that he was serious about god

♡ so when he suggesting going to your room instead you agreed (although hesitantly)

♡ walking into your room he immediately noticed the cross hanging above your canopy bed which was pushed against the wall. The curtains around it almost highlighted your sleeping area.

♡ he quickly noticed how embarrassed you were, perhaps it was the stuffed toys, or the light colours, or the photos on the walls?

♡ you ushered him on the bed quickly preferring him to not stare at the immature state of your bedroom, although you would prefer posters of your favourite singers, pictures of your friends you were unable to at wishes of your father

♡ much like your first meeting billy let's you ramble, his eyes focused on your lips, he isnt sure what you're talking about especially when you bite your lip when reading out your notes

"Have you ever kissed someone before?"

♡ the question makes you choke on your breathe, whipping your head to face him. spluttering out a sentence

"What?! Why would you ask me that?! I- cant kiss anyone- I- I'll be in so much trouble- I'm not allowed to kiss anyone-"

"Would you like to?"

♡ that quickly shut you up as you looked up at him, he tilts his head at you and moves closer to you, his breath making goosebumps rise on your skin

♡ he kisses your unresponsive lips, too shocked at what is happening to kiss back (not that you knew how)

♡ when he pulled back you were staring at him, eyes wide and mouth slightly agape. He grabbed your stuff and set it on your vanity, his hand traveled to your side and pushed you on your back

♡ he towered over you, your breath hitching in your throat, his arms either side of your head. He leaned down and pressed his lips against yours, it took a while for you to relax and try to follow his movements but you eventually got the hang of it.

♡ just as the man himself things got rough quickly, his hand in your hair and his tongue entering your mouth. You melted against him wrapping your arms around Billys shoulders

♡ when you broke apart for air your lips were puffy and swollen, billy was looking no better his hair was disheveled and his eyes were half lidded.

♡ he kissed the side of you face travelling to your jaw then towards your neck, where you gripped his shirt as he licked a stripe over your neck.

♡His hands wondered down to your chest, pulling your sundress down to reveal your bra to him

"Wait! Wait wait I- billy i cant- we shouldnt be doing this we should stop"

"Sh sh shhh just take what I give you"

♡ his hands continued their exploring, flipping your bra to reveal your soft nipples, leaning down his breath soon hardened them making you whimper

♡ he kissed your right nipple while rolling the left in his hand, the hand unattended drifted down your thighs and under your dress

"Billy stop- we cant do this i- I- I'm gonna get into s'much trouble"

"It cant be wrong if it feels good baby"

♡ he continues kissing and fondling your breasts, his hand slipping to your underwear pressing a thumb against your clothed clit making you jolt your hips with a loud whine.

♡ he chuckled against your chest moving his face to meet yours

"That feel good? Want me to do it again?"

"I dont know- I dont know! Feels weird.."

♡ he kissed your mouth and let's his other hand wander to your thighs. he pulls back to get a full view of you, your thighs spread, your lips puffy, your tits out. A sight that would make the devil groan, which is what he did.

♡ he plays with your thighs and your clothed cunt, soon sliding the piece of fabric to the side to get a better view of your forbidden fruit. He watches as your fluids leak from you, clamping around nothing and clit twitching from the harsh temperature of the room

♡ he places his thumb over your clit watching you jerk against him, clearly not used to stimulation, he circles around it then leans down pressing a kiss against it (maybe a quick suck too)

♡ the action makes you cry

"Billy 'is dirty"

♡ he slides with finger in you, the heat and tightness of your body almost making him cum in his pants. You're mewling underneath him and he gives you feelings you've never experienced

♡ his fingers work you open aiming to make sure you're able to fit his cock. When he pulls pants down to his thighs and grips his cock, your eyes are wide and full of second thoughts. Being the gentlemen he is he grabs your hand and makes you feel it

"S'hot, 'n it feels weird"

"Supposed to be hot gonna make you all warm"

"S'not gonna fit, your fingers felt too much, cant take this.."

"Cant take my cock?"

"Dont say that! That's dirty!"

♡ he drags his cock head over your clit, the heat of it shutting you up.

"I'll make it fit baby"

♡ he pulls your thighs apart and wraps his arm around your head, his body encapsulates yours as he pressed his cock inside of you. The stretch hurts and leaves you grabbing as much as billy as you can, he whispers praises to the side of your neck as he desperately tries to hold back.

♡ after an intense 5 minutes of him rubbing your clit and getting you to relax he starts thrusting, soft and slow but soon picking up as you unconsciously buck you hips into his. Your bed shook and you cried into his neck as he defiled you for any other man

"That feel good?"

"Ah- Feels big! 'Feel so full ngh- too full!"

"Yeah? Ya think your god would like this?"

"Gon' be In so much trouble billy"

"Ngh fuck- I'll be your god baby, I'll never get mad at you- fucking take it for me- you'll be my most devoted follower, c'mon say I'm your god, say it, say it for me baby 'n I'll make you feel so good c'mon say it"

"My god- y- your my god"

"Good girl, fuck-"

♡ as you reached orgasm you tried to push him off telling him that you were gonna pee, luckily for him you werent strong especially when you were getting your beliefs banged out.

♡ you came with a wail wrapping your legs around his waist, trapping him inside you, his hips stuttering as he came inside you.

♡ thus a sneaky beautiful relationship began

♡ hed take you for dates at his favourite cafe ordering milkshakes then stealing the cherry placed on top of yours then making jokes about once again "stealing your cherry"

♡ he steals your underwear especially when hes been teasing you all day, he likes the juices you leave behind, likes sucking on them, cumming on them, keeping them for himself and returning them soiled

♡ let's you come to the pool after hours just so he can fuck you in the water

♡ definitely buys you thin white bikinis just so he can see what's underneath when they get wet

♡ has grabbed a lollipop from your lips and pretended to fuck your mouth with it, you're none the wiser and assume he wants you to get the most flavour out it

♡ touches you in church and whispers how gross you are

"You're disgusting, really letting me touch you in the house of god?"

♡ flips up your skirt all the time, he blames the wind even if theres no breeze.

♡ he had dinner with your parents and had his fingers knuckle deep inside you the entire time, liking your juices if his fingers when dessert came out

♡ comes in through you window just so he can see you without prying eyes, he either wakes you up like a normal person or he wake you up by eating you out/ fingering you

♡ has had phone sex with you multiple times, he treats it like a confession booth and hes mostly degrading you the entire time

"You're fucking disgusting thinking about my cock, you're supposed to be a child of god" - says the man with your panties wrapped around his cock

♡ has gotten you drunk before and made you grind on his foot while you suck along his cock

♡ chokes you with your rosary when hes fucking you from behind, pulls on it like a leash

♡ taught you how to masturbate by sitting you infront of a mirror and touching you, you never fully learnt because billy has no self control

♡ bites you in places that arent visible to your parents, says you've been bitten by the devil

♡ spits in your mouth all the time

#stranger things x reader #billy x reader #billy hargrove x reader #billy hargrove smut