#so it feels so weird that im relapsing anyway

[scarletcomet]

alright besties. it took almost the whole session but i finally got myself to tell my therapist that i’ve been hurting myself

#it took the whole time for me to tell her so i didnt get any help :( #i doubt there's anything she could even really do to help tho #i've done lots of therapy cbt dbt etc and i only turned to sh because nothing else was working #i feel a lot better tho because i told her briefly about how i've struggled with sh for 6 years and it hasn't been bad in many years #but i have had small relapses on multiple occasions over the years #and i told her how i relapsed on sat and have done it again 5 times since sat #and i told her that i am going to do it again #it feels pretty good to not feel guilty or like im lying to my therapist and for someone other than me to know #i know this is not a great/healthy thing to post on here but im kinda really proud of myself for opening up a little bit to my therapist #it was kinda weird tho because it was the first time i ever talked about sh at least explicitly with this therapist before #she straight up asked me if i bled and i was like what of course #ik sh looks different for everyone but i just thought she had picked up on it because i showed her/mentioned the bandages on my arm #anyways i'm sorry for all this oversharing about this kind of stuff #tw self harm

[a-wisp]

.

#personal #faded scars feel weird #like im failing at something #or losing a part of myself #but they wouldnt see it that way #instead id look crazy #for relapsing #bc im 'too old for that' #makes me want to blurt out #that i already almost kms anyway #so what could be that bad abt it #buuut nobody irl knows #and thats not something you just mention

[butchdykekondraki]

hey guys im normal dont look at the tags or my posts look at me im a normal boy with normal thoughts and emotions

#[jay] #anyway. #i'm experiencing The Horrors tonight gang #mention of relapse in this next tag so. be wary. #fuck. didnt i have a tag for this shit?? #[jay rambles/neg] #i think that's it. maybe. whatever #relapse cw #<- there. thats your warning #-> #ended up damn near relapsing which was. yk really fun for me. #west ended up talking me down but. ya know still not a good situation to deal with #odd feeling. havent had that for a while now. weird. no clue what sparked that #OHHH FUCK WAIT YES I DO. #<- i read montauk house or whatever its called and got REALLY fucking triggered #great experience it was awesome/sar #anyway. im so so tired so. might sleep #alright anyways. letting ren have front back good nigjt tumblr dot com

[thursdayglrl]

.

#this goes all in the tags because its a little much #anywho. thoughts of relapsing again... also suicidal ideation a little which feels weird after being stable a while #anyway its partly cause im not coping partly because of this weird feeling of like. its one thing to stop self harming #but its another thing to like recover from it and fully be like ok im never doing thag again #which is dumb because obviously like. that is a bad thing to do i dont want to do it again #but im just inexplicably averse to the idea of forever so its like.... never ever? not even one more time? #dunno. the impulse has been there for a while though just because im spiraling a little

[lettuce-seize-the-day]

ed cw- i went to a new doctor bc ive moved to a new side of the state and they had to take my weight which is pretty standard and usually i just look away and ask them not to tell me but this time the nurse asked me to just read to her what the scale said and ive lost like..12 lbs since i last checked like a month ago

#shut up hanna #ed cw #body image cw #i also had like Just eaten right before the appointment #i thought i would have gained weight #i think i may be relapsing #its just a weird hard time rn #living w new ppl and they are my friends. but theyre better friends w each other yk #and its my first time living w ppl that dont know abt my ed and im sure theyre gonna figure it out #but im still in that inevitable stage of trying to be normal so they dont know bc i dont like when ppl notice this stuff #um anyway. my friend. the guy ive been really good friends with and talking about and everything #he went home for summer and stopped talking to me #i asked him if he was okay he said just really tired. but thats been it. #he had been talking to me every day since we met at auditions. even that 2 ish weeks where i was like dont talk to me he still did a little #and hes just stopped #and it sucks bc i said i was scared that would happen and he said it wouldn't #and i was talking w my roommate abt this after she talked abt her romance problems #and she was like. your feelings are valid but you need to move on. #and no one understands that like. its not about being in love with him its not about my feelings for him #its about him being like. one of my very best friends #there was NO ONE else i talked to that much #or talked to ABOUT my mental stuff yk. like other friends knew abt it obviously but i wouldn't rlly talk much abt it #but he asked like he wanted to know like. idk. and i never overshared or anything like i always asked if he was sure if it was ok etc #anyway. it was stupid to get that close to someone but i did. and i miss that support. like we didnt talk abt serious stuff very often #mostly just like. day to day stuff and thoughts and feelings and just everything we just talked to each other #and now he just doesn't. and i miss him. and its not about my unrequited affections its about missing him as a person in my life #and no one understands

[hazshit-hotel-hater]

Ok a rant about Cerri bomb and how much I HATE her

In the addict music video she was a very supportive friend of Angel and I loved her in the pilot! I wish we got that supportive best friend to Angel in the final product, but unfortunately she is a woman in a vivziepop show.

She’s AWFUL now I can’t stand her, the way she tried to make Angel relapse was so weird like pilot cherri wouldn’t do that! I also really dislike her design it has to be one of my personal least favourites (not the bottom though nothing is worse than alastors design to me) she isn’t enjoyable to watch anymore she had potential if she’d only been introduced earlier! Imagine if she was introduced in episode 4 and played the supportive friend she was originally supposed to be!

And GOD I hate her ship with pentious, it was SO RUSHED, so poorly done and the ship isn’t very “so cute and in love!!” When you remember she showed literally NO interest in him until Angel brought up that he has 2 dicks, and this is supposed to be a romantic relationship we CARE about.

Cherri didn’t need a romantic relationship she needed CHARACTER DEVELOPMENT we needed to get to know her! If you’ve only seen the show and no other Hazbin media at all (which shouldn’t be required you should be able to get all your info FROM THE SHOW) you’d barely know anything about her character or who she is. I wish we got pilot cherri bomb, and that she got a design update, and that her and pent’s relationship was either taken slower or didn’t happen at all

You silly little creature you, you have me writing in my notes app instead of Tumblr because I’m about to go crazy!

Cherri Bomb. More like Cherri what the hell happened

Anyway I’m gonna tackle this one thing at a time, and also forgive me if I word something weird I just woke up an hour ago at the time of writing this.

First thing, design: I personally quite like her design since it very loosely reminds me of Iris from Ruby Gloom with ofc the one eye, the very rowdy personality and kind of the hair, but those are very broad design choices and its just me remembering some random girl I thought was silly but like Iris did it better.

Okay now second thing and then we go into literally everything else: My blog has been an angry pit of despair for everything in Episode 6 as of recent so let’s tap into that again 🤏 just a little. I am going to give my classic centrist opinion and say I don’t mind Cherri Bomb all that much but I absolutely get why people dislike her, and I mean this in the kinda way as people who dislike… Idk Fukuchi from BSD. WILD jump in fandoms but gimme a second. I can’t 100% say that Cherri Bomb in the pilot was better than the series since we have no idea if maybe for some reason she was intended to be like that offscreen, but judging by the pilot and “Addict” alone, it’s very unlikely. I could see her maybe being a bad influence at times and being like “Loosen up dude we’re in hell and its Friday” or something (idk if they have Friday in hell but everyday is probably Monday 🥁) but overall I feel like she’d end up apologising for it. However on the other side of things, I can understand why Cherri did that in Episode 6. Of course not to say this is okay, but Cherri is still very clearly not in the “redemption” mindset. She’s happy the way she is and is really only focused on certain aspects of issues. We see her comfort Angel in “Addict” but thats basically the extent of it. Cherri’s definition of “self-care” seems to be less of actually taking care of yourself and more like just letting go and having fun instead which really only gives a momentary fix to the issue, much like how substances can be abused. Do you kinda see what im getting at? Cherri offering Angel drugs while he’s trying not to relapse is not okay, full stop. But her reasoning as to why makes a bit of sense for her purpose in the show which is honestly not much, since, as you said, she is a woman in a Vivziepop show.

To my knowledge Cherri is like 30-ish years younger than Angel Dust in Hell experience so she’s likely not reached a point where she’s gotten tired of how things work, as well as the fact we don’t really have much of an idea on her backstory aside from that random shot in “Addict” of that guy in a puddle??? But generally she seems to be in a better position than Angel is, so there isn’t really any reason for her to want to change, yknow? I will say I do like exploring characters that are good friends while still being bad influences at times, but I’m going to be honest I feel like thats really not what Angel needs right now. I wouldn’t be as pissy about it if she did end up apologising afterwards (I’m just gonna headcanon she did for my sanity) but even then as Angel’s friend we don’t know like… anything about her. I would’ve really liked to get some kind of callback to the pilot where Cherri mentions she thought Angel was dead until the random Sir Pentious turf war, and maybe we could see her actually being worried about Angel again instead of those 3 frames in “Addict”, but Hazbin is rushed and I guess we don’t have time for that. And also YES it would’ve been great to see her in Episode 4 and actually doing something but again, Vivziepop is boring.

Going forward I would really like to see Cherri, if not become a patron, at least try to be a better friend and sure if she wants to keep doing stuff she can keep doing it, but just don’t encourage other people to relapse. It is very simple.

SIR PENTIOUS! About Sir Pentious, this is going to be incredibly short. I don’t hate the ship but also I’m not really crazy about any of the Hazbin Hotel ships? I also don’t really hate any except for the genuinely horrid ones but thats basic sense. I absolutely agree with you, Cherri does not need a romantic interest. Romance doesn’t always = growth and growth should not always = romance. She needs some genuine character TLC and I hope to god she gets some in season 2. We’ve only seen a few minutes of her so I have yet to give a firm opinion, but as of now I’m just hoping they do something actually interesting with her instead of just alluding to Sir Pentious ship. Also the penis thing. 1. What was that, and 2. It made me and my friends briefly pause to sex Sir Pentious and come to the conclusion he is likely transgender/hj

TLDR; Please give us a fun Cherri Bomb again. ☹️

#hazbin hotel #hazbin hotel criticism #hazbin hotel critical #hazbin critical #hazbin hotel rewrite #cherri bomb #cherri hazbin hotel #cherri bomb hazbin hotel #hazbin hotel cherri bomb #hazbin cherri bomb #angel dust #hazbin angel #hazbin angel dust #angel dust hazbin #hazbin sir pentious #hazbin hotel pentious #hazbin pentious #sir pentious #cherri x sir pentious #raimble

[transfaguette]

in response to your post about self-harming: the way you're thinking about self-harm might not be the norm but is honestly the goal for a lot of people. I work as a therapist, I have a history of self-harm, and I'm pretty anti-psychiatry for a whole list of personal and professional reasons, so like. I get it. And I wish more people understood it like this. It's a coping mechanism that worked, and when it stopped working you stopped doing it. That's incredibly normal. That's how we use coping mechanisms. There would be nothing gained from shaming yourself for having done it, and it's unnecessary to put a lot energy into trying not to do it again. For some people it might be necessary to remove access to sharp objects and focus some on preventing relapse, but if it's not like. Dangerous Dangerous, then there's a lot more important work that can be done instead of attacking the coping mechanism, y'know? anyways. this is a weird message to send a stranger. but i appreciate you posting, it got me thinking, and it's important to change these narratives and put examples out there of how things can be thought about differently.

im glad to hear that :) i’ve really never felt comfortable telling any therapist or doctor about my feelings towards self harm especially because I would do it again if the urge arises and i’m not interested in alternatives. i’ve had great therapists, but still feel like theres things I can’t be honest about and that sucks. I do hope things change for the better.

#asks #self harm

[erotomanicpixiedreamgirl]

tell me why this guy is like this with me like i can’t with this anymore

when we met he was so nice to me but then i noticed he never stopped texting other people. he introduced me to his whole family, met my family, we went to vegas twice together, i lent him money, because of how nice he was with me. he even had problems with his family and i let him stay with me and my grandma for a while until he got on his feet. he got a job, and started staying some days here and some with his gramma cause she lives closer to his new job. after that, he relapsed on drugs and started messaging bitches again. he said he’d stop but he was acting weird now and kept saying he’d pay me but whenever he said and it was time, he just never did anything. then, he rented an apartment, i helped him get a bike so he had transportation to go to work and to come see me and visit his gramma still. it got worse and now he’s saying he’s overwhelmed with work and with his shit in general and that he can’t be the bf i want or need right now but that if i give him time, that we’re still together but he’s dealing with shit. i’ve asked him to be direct and reassuring with me during this time since we won’t be together as much and now he’s ignoring me, barely texting, whenever i call he declines the call and now that i’ve asked about my money, he just blocked me (he’s done it where he blocks me when he feels “overwhelmed” with the amount of texts/calls) and then unblocks me. i’ve straight up asked him if we’re still together and he says we are but that he’s dealing with personal shit.

why are fucking men such fucking pussies. i gave him everything and this is how he fucking does me? i am so sad. he helped me through a really tough time and was with me during that time and now he’s doing this fucking shit like what the fuck. i can’t stand anymore of this and i don’t understand and i’m tired of reeling. how do i deal with this pain cause legit idk wtf to do besides wishing i was dead. what the fuck do i do if he comes back. i need my money back and this all sucks. anyways, yeah…. this the tea

oh dear this is a lot im so sorry but you’re way better off without him. i find a lot of things dumb about the sprinkle sprinkle mindset or whatever but she was correct in saying don’t be barbara the builder for these men. i honestly think from you’ve told me he’s just showing his true colors and he took advantage of your kindness and compassion. he sounds like a complete dick. i know it’s disappointing when the one you love turns out this way but you will find love again and that man will actually treat you right and respect you and love you with his whole heart.

[boxwinebaddie]

uncle neen...yk im happy that the boys are hating n all but can we get a lil toxic yaoi?

OOOOOOOOOOOOOOUGH, whoever sent me this anon and the one asking me to elaborate on jersey being afriad to say i love you, ENJOY PRISON!!!! WOW!!!!! OW SO MUCH!!!!

( i will be answering that one btw, dw i'm not ignoring it, its just taking a while bc want to make sure its thorough aka my tears keep making my laptop short-circuit while i'm trying to write it...fml )

like maaaan, this is supposed to be my beautiful and relaxing utopia of a tumblr blog where i get to forget that i write multiple unfinished multi-chapter style angst au fanfics and pretend to be peaceful!

your honor, i have never done anything wrong in my life! facts! xx

but uhhhhh....u might be onto something...bc when i tell you, ravesey style literally does not fight bc they are in love ( or hate, ig, bC KYLE CANT SAY I LOVE YOU, I'M GONNA END IT ALLLL ) but if they did, which it's gotta have happened once, right? it was probably crazy, messy and soooooo insane like......ooooough my god, hELP.

*ravenstan vc* pero like they've literally been temporaried and basically married since they were in middle school, SO IF THEY FIGHT??? IF THEY BREAK UP??? DOES THAT MEAN THEYRE GETTING DIVORCED???? IM SICK!!!! IM SO SICK MY STOMACH HURTS SO BAD I HATE THIS!!! WHAT THE FUCK!!!!

i want to d*e, however....you know me...

and i do Live for the Drama, babey. ;)

like, okay, okay, okay could you imagine them at the same events bc marjorine is in crimson dawn so naturally kyle ft. the blonde crew would all be there ( and we all read my cringe post, we know what used to go on at those events between the boys and what came off ) and oooooooooof, like??? some weird music exec man talking to stan, trying to make a pass at him, tryna touch his ass, making him super uncomfortable and stan just like ahaahaAhaaa! yeah! be in touch! more like please don't touch me lol, i'm literally scared of u, wtf!!! :'((

and jerseykyle walking up after the guy leaves like "I Don't Like How That Guy Was Talking To You" hella overprotective & ravenstan being like "Why Do You Care? You're Not My Boyfriend, Rem(ember)?"

AHHHHHHHHHHHH HELLLLLLL NOOOOOO

I HATE IT HERE LIKE MAAAAAAAAAAN!!! BOOOOO!!!!!!

and kyle just being like "you're right. i'm not." :'|

this is sick....I am SICK.

and kyle trying to deflect and not be vulnerable bc hE DOESNT KNOW HOW TO BE VULNERABLE PLS TELL ME THEY DIDNT BREAK UP BC KYLE CANT SAY I LOVE YOU I WILL PASS AWAY!!!

all like "i can smell the vodka on ur breath, by the way. i thought you quit drinking." and stan quick with it af bc hes defensive relapsing and his drinking problem smh like "yeah? and i can smell the cigarettes on yours. i thought YOU quit." AUUUR NAAAH

and kyle being also defensive about relapsing and his cigarette addiction like "Why Do You Care? You're Not My Boyfriend...

rEm(EmBEr)?"

OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOFFFFFFFFFF!!!!!! i'm so sad this is sO!!!!

i feel like its so messy like i feel like they are a bubbline level of messy or like a haylor break up level of messy where stan sings all the romantic kyle songs but makes them Fast instead of slow and does a really bad new jersey accent one time out of spite bc hes schwasted and really sad or writes a really mean song called like psycho babble whatever abt boys who need therapy psychoanalyzing you,,,, AAAA!!!

hell is a place and i hate it here...can they be in love again like MAN?

stan doing interviews and the interviewers trying to skate around the ravesey split so stan doesn't k-word himself and hes just like "no its okay you can say we broke up haha </3" *necks vodka*

"a-anyways, i'm single now! So!"

BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!! TOMATTTTOOOOO

and i bet you he only said that bc he thinks jersey kyle re-entered his grindr manwhore for the streets era!!!! bc the interviewers are being nice but the tabloids are being ruthless and photoshopping a bunch of shit and just like taking pictures of kyle outside of the apartment getting mail like NEXT TO THE FKN MAIL MAN LIKE!! NEW BF!!

bUT LIKE HE DIDNT!!!! HE LITERALLY WOULDNT LIKE OH MY GOD BUT ITS ALL VERY CONVINCING AND STAN DOESNT KNOW WHAT TO BELIEVE LIKE MAN WHAT THE FUCK BROTHER!!!!!! NOOOO!!!

i was like hm where is the dial drunk ravenstans one phone call being kyle and kyle not picking up...but ALSO????? where is the scary mean vicious attack dog mean streets new jersey kyle who reverts back to fighting and brawling getting thrown in the cop car and is calling stan/gets dropped on ravenstans doorstep all beat up n bloody and bruised...and stan thinks he was just being reckless and hotheaded and fighting ppl again bUT HE ACTUALLY??? GOT INTO A BAR FIGHT BC SOMEONE SAID SOMETHING ABT RAVEN THAT WAS REALLY FUCKED UP AND LITRALLY BEAT THE SHIT OUT THEM???

i will also have you know that eco/plant king stan knows a lot of natural remedies just from being interested in apothecary stuff and from his mom...but speaking of miss sharon sonrisa, before randy RUINED HER LIFE, she wanted to be a doctor, so she was very skilled in areas of medicine/patching people up and passed all that knowledge onto her lovely son who...literally is scared of blood but does...unfortunately have years of binding under his belt from when he was trying to pass/didn't have top surgery, so he is very good at bandaging wounds ( randy also...gave him lots of practice! haha )

also i want to cry bc...ravenstan is so gentle and will take very good care of u...its probably so tense and so tender in there...when i tell you they are about to KISS that whole time....

ANYWAYS!!!! HOW VERY DARE YOU ASK ME THIS AND MAKE ME MAKE THIS HYPOTHETICAL SITUATION THAT HURT MY FEELINGS...i will...elaborate on it...and make it realer and worse if you ask...BUT KNOW THAT JAIL AWAITS I AM SO UPPPPSET!!!!

-uncle nina, crying and throwing up over the fake ravesey toxic yaoi and drama i created for them FOR THE DRAMA...truly sick n twisted

#I FORGOT TO SAY #i bet you ravenstans hair is a Color #and u know hes having a bpd boy moment if his hair is a color especially if its VIBRANT #and patchy as hell #bc u know he did it himself on a whim probably manic and walked his lil ass to the cvs #in the sharkchanclas and bought like 5 4lokos #and like two boxes of splat #w the crazy 40 volume developer bleach in there smh #and dyed his hair all depressed and stressed #like i bet u its like GREEN or RED...oh my god red hair raven is so mentally ill...that is antistan #i hate it here can they kiss again why did i write this why would u ask me this but also ask me more #i am also v obsessed w street hardened jersey kyle and gentle home medic pacifist stan...theyre in lovE BUT THEYRE FIGHTING LIKE BOOOOO #KISSSSSS ALREADY PLEASE SMASH I HATE THIS #ALSO I BET U IF KYLE SHOWS UP ON THE APARTMENT DOORSTEP STAN IS IN THE COMFORT COLUMBIA SWEATSHIRT HOLDING CURB ALL SHOOK #LIKE UR HONOR THEYRE IN LOVE U GOTTA BELIEVE ME

[isabelguerra]

Hi. Ya girl here again about that asterisk. I dont think too much about izjo but when I do I get a headache (positive) but I already HAVE one so here u go lol

I havent read harry potter. In a Long Time. Like ever. I remember very little of the plot. But I do think that them getting together would be the bisexual version of the hunger games. I think that over the course of their years at school they slowly get closer to eachother and as they realize that their comfortable with eachother they start to feel sick and nauseous. And because they start feeling this way they sort of relapse into their fighting days (not that they ever stopped beating the shit out of eachother. It just got friendlier. Romantic even. Never flirty though both of them would rather die than flirt on purpose. Anyways) because they dont want to acknowledge whatever is growing between them and then it would escalate into a fight in the mud while its pouring rain and then as their trading verbal and physical blows one of them would scream "BECAUSE I CARE ABOUT YOU AND THAT SCARES ME" and the other would scream back "WELL HOW DO YOU THINK I FEEL CARING ABOUT YOU SCARES ME TOO" and then they would stare at eachother in the mud and Isabel would angrily scrub her eyes and then leave and Johnny would just stand in the mud. And then after that its a chilly but guilty air between them but now at LEAST their feelings are in the open. And from then on they start showing the worlds most awkward affection to eachother. The day their hold hands it only lasts five seconds before Johnny has to go throw herself in a river and Isabel has to go punch a training dummy. Etc.

Anyways I have to go take some cough syrup now BYE I think you knwo who this is bc I just rebloged the last ask I sent about the jang but LOL. Sending this on anon anyways . Im very sick right now can u tell

I’ve been cleaning my childhood living room for 8 hours. It’s wizard time.

Before I get into this ask, you guys know that I don’t care about actual harry potter, right. Nobody needs to be super familiar with hp or frankly even like it to understand wizard au— honestly, going into it as ‘paranatural characters at magic boarding school’ is a great blank slate to have. HP is a shoddy piece of craft that’s mostly enjoyable through its nostalgia, cultural hype, and a surface level veneer of fantasy. I’m not a hp fan. Moving on.

That’s a fun interpretation! Though as far as Wizard AU goes, they don’t really hide affection. Or avoid flirting at all. They actually do it a lot— but their displays of affection & flirting are mixed in alongside the context of old rivalry, captain/subordinate, and close friendship; so their confusion largely comes from navigating their expressions of ‘having a crush on someone’ feelings amidst all the others. They do it a lot, but their ways of showing it are nowhere near what typical flirting looks like.

They do actually stop beating the shit out of each other around their second/third year— their captain trains it out of them since having two young members frequently get into scuffles will threaten the team’s chances of success. Those scuffle urges don’t fully go away, because it’s also Isabel and Johnny; but they’re routed into more productive outlets that support their strengths, like dueling and close training to strengthen their teamwork. Quidditch is sometimes (especially, in their cases) a very physically involved sport: when you’re flying around at 100mph, 100ft off the ground, if you see your partner get knocked off their broom and they’re halfway to a very flat ground without looking like they have the situation under control, they need you to catch them. You need to catch them. Because if you get caught up in feeling weird about touching your annoying rival, they will die. So after a few years, it’s a point of fact that they care about each other. Being partners brings them both to the point where they… can’t really afford otherwise? Whether or not it scares them falls to the wayside: as a side effect of their positions, it has ceased to matter.

By the time they’re both living with their feelings they’re actually very physically comfortable around each other! It’s a point I reiterate as the series progresses. The few wizard au fics I put out years ago have them very comfortable with casual touch— it’s where casual touch turns to intentional touch that gets them flustered.

It’s one thing to touch your sports partner in a trust fall. It’s another thing to touch your bestfriendrivalcrush in a way that might let them know you like them— or mean they like you back.

Here, have a scene scrap:

:)c

#wizard au #asks #anon #AKA johnny isnt adverse to touching isabel. johnnys experience with his ‘ride or die casual physical affection’ besties makes him one of #the only people NORMAL about touching isabel. which does cause Some Complications feelings wise- on both their sides #so it takes a while to get to that point. but it IS where they end up #ISABEL is weird about touching JOHNNY.

[chocoenvy]

heyo, it’s me pretty anon. (i like it better than bully anon too :))

i think i fucked up

so, i’ll keep this simple since i need to go to bed cause it’s like 4:30am and i get up at 8 lmao.

since the cruise my dad and step-mom decided to physically split as well. my dad is signing for a divorced in the next couple of days. my step-mom is in a completely different state rn with her youngest daughter and mother. my mom mom doesn’t know about the divorced and honestly i think no one’s told her since we don’t wanna hear it.

so um, i haven’t really gotten a chance to talk to anyone about this stuff since i live in a small town and everyone knows everyone yknow? so firstly, thank you for letting me vent. it’s nice to talk to someone the same age anonymously. you give good advice.

anyway, all of this has kinda been building up on me, which is super weird cause i thought i wouldn’t care. i’m a senior in high school rn so it’s not like i can’t go visit her once i graduate. and my dad and step mom are both encouraging me to keep up a relationship with her. she wasn’t really around much and when she was it was only ever good one on one since with my dad it would be borderline abusive. (or maybe actually abusive, i’m not really sure i know how to identify it. it just seems normal to me)

my dad also asked me if i had contacted my step mom like a couple days after she left. i’d been wanting to but i had no idea what to say to her. so i didn’t. he said to me, and i don’t think i’ll ever forget this, “oh. i thought you loved her.” in the most casual tone. my heart is broken. i got really upset with him and he literally could not comprehend why. i’m starting to second guess myself if i loved her or not. i know for a fact that i did, but does she know it?

so yknow the new ios 16 update? weird change of pace i know but i swear it’s important. well i just decided like an hour ago to get it and i fucking hate it. fun fact, if you have spotify on and your phone turns off then they change YOUR LOCKSCREEN to match the spotify song. wtf. well i started off hating it cause i had to scroll through over 2,000 photos just to find the exact same ones i was currently using (it’s venti and xiao btw) and i started hyperventilating.

well i was doing my daydreams when i realized the spotify thing. and i completely stopped. i had a full blown panic attack for at least 45 minutes. i was hyperventilating so hard i honestly thought i was going to passed out. i later down so i at least wouldn’t fall and everything.

i think i panicked because of all the penh up emotions that i have going on rn.

after i finally calmed down, i went over to plug in my chrome book for school. and then i remembered i had an eyebrow razor in my backpack…

i think you know what i meant when i said i fucked up.

it was only four cuts. not deep enough to draw blood except for one, all tiny on my thigh where no one can see them. i can’t believe i did it though. and the worst part, the absolute worst part is, the relief i felt? it’s like i actually have control.

i know you said the ice cube method. i’ve actually told other freinds going through a hard time about it too. but at the moment, i just wasn’t thinking straight.

im scared im gonna do it again. any ideas on what i should do? lol

with love, pretty anon

HELLO PRETTY <33 I'm so sososososo sorry for answering this so late but!

tw: self harm, relapses, sensitive topics

It's completely valid and I cannot fault you for relapsing it is a very normal part of healing. So long as you get back up, everything will be okay I promise.

But! I remembered an app that I had come across some years ago. I forgot the name and when I tried to look it up i found calm harm.

The app I thought of describes self harm as a wave. The want to harm yourself flows in and then out. It comes and goes. The trick is to distract yourself before the feeling takes over your actions. Calm Harm definitely helps with it from what I've seen. I've never tried these apps though. There are also counters that count how long you've gone without cutting if that kind of thing helps.

Would definitely recommend! As well as watching videos or creating a playlist full of videos/songs that make you happy! Find something that makes you happy and hold onto it for when you need it! I can completely understand not being in the right state of mind and forgetting it which is why you should have it on your phone so you can access it before you can access something else. It also helps if you're ever in public - or even in private - and need to calm down.

Gather resources to prepare for these down times. It'll help!

I understand that self harm can feel good, god trust me I know, but it's not worth it. There are other things that can make you feel better than self harm can. And I can't speak for you but after I self harm I just feel so much shame?? And fear?? Mostly because I don't want someone to find them but I just feel ashamed.

I can't explain it and I really don't have much room to talk because I'm still stuck in self harm. But if it means anything, I would be very proud to see you heal from this <3

I'm glad you can talk about this anonymously but if you ever need to talk to me one on one my dms are always open <3

Take care! And I'm sorry for answering so late, I hope you're okay <33

#choco.asks #pretty anon #tw s/h #tw self harm

[ddejavvu]

Tw: picking disorder, trichotillomania

hey, i just wanted to let you know that you are not alone in this! i used to have trichotillomania a few years back. So i wanted go share my story;

i already have natural light eyebrows but back then they were almost totally gone. i got bullied a lot for it and it made me feel really bad abt myself. but i didnt know how to stop because i felt like i couldnt. i had read in an article that it is most curable for childeren between 10-13. and I wanted to tell my parents about what i was going trough to get help while i still could because i would turn 13 in a few months. however i was afraid that they wouldnt believe me as they too made fun of me for my eyebrows. i hate that there is not much awareness about trichotillomania at all. i found out that what i was going trough had a name in a random tiktok. anyway, i dont know how but i somehow got better and stopped pulling my eyebrows. maybe because i read that they might never grown back. so i started limiting myself with how many hairs i pulled a day. or maybe because of all the bullying. But they have grown back only they still look weird.

All im trying to say is that your not alone and that you can do this! i know its hard but i believe in you. it took me more then a year to fully stop. and even if you feel like you can not get better, you just have to try❤️

tws mentioned above

i'm so glad you were able to stop, i'm incredibly proud of you!! getting help definitely seems daunting sometimes, but i'm glad that you recovered.

while i do still engage in the compulsions, like i said in the original post i made, i have gained many different coping mechanisms since first experiencing the disorder, and i have quit before, just relapsed, so i definitely know that i can quit if i try. the problem is i just don't really care enough to stop? it's something i've gotten used to and don't really mind anymore, like i said before i think i'd look weird with eyebrows skjgndsf - so it doesn't bother me! maybe it should, but since they grow back every time (for me) i'm not really worried about it </3 and also like i said in my original post i get made fun of a lot by my family members and quitting so that they stop would feel like giving in to them! and i don't want them to think that they've 'won' by bullying the way that i look, as silly and petty as that is. it's definitely not a good reason to keep doing it but i'm so passive aggressive and tired of them that i absolutely refuse to give in💀

#mei's mail #tw trichotillomania

[ankhisms]

painfully aware of how my mental and physical illnesses make it feel almost impossible for me to function or exist at all in society

yes i have a diary now yes i am still writing this here bc im not home yet. my pain in my back and neck and hip have been worse and worse lately and ive been trying to just manage it and deal with it but my mental health has also just been a rollercoaster lately where ill be fine and then ill take a nose dive and have been genuinely really seriously suicidal and close to relapsing into self harm but i thankfully havent. right now im just thinking about how much it sucks that just no matter how hard i try people can still sense that theres something off about me and that i dont act "normal" in our interactions like at the end of the audition i had to talk to this like theater manager lady and the conversation was really hard for me to follow along and get through and it was clear that she thought i was acting weird and she asked me if id be willing to do behind the scenes stuff and i said something like well i like 25 miles out of town so i cant really come for backstage stuff on short notice and she was like well can you follow instructions and i had trouble responding to that because thats a loaded question for me i do often strugglw with the instructions people give me especially in environments like work ones so i said uh within reason and she clearly thought that was a weird response. it just all makes me feel so hopeless i feel like in the past with the theater i grew up in and the other one i acted in they like... they were aware of me being strange but the directors at least didnt hold it against me or get mad at me really for being not normal because they knew i was a good actor and i worked hard and i was serious about it and passionate about it and now i feel like people just notice that im not normal and think that means that they shouldnt have me in their production. but then it hurts to also think like. well what if ive just never actually been very good at this. for such a long time acting was like the only thing i ever truly felt fully confident in myself about and the only thing i belueced in myself about ive always felt pretty insecure about my art and writing even though i love doing those things just as much as acting but with acting i always felt like it was something i was good at or at least decent at it like i got lead roles the first time i tried to go to college i got a scholarship for my acting. and now im just like. what if ive just been total shit at this this entire time. what if someones going to just tell me straight to my face that im laughably bad at this and that its pathetic and that theres no chance in hell that i can ever be a professional actor. thinking about it all now its like man. the professors at that first college i tried to go to who tormented me and told me i was too ugly to get any roles and too emotional really fucked me up i think thats where this self doubt in my acting ability is coming from. because before that whole disaster i really did feel more solidly confident in my ability. and now its like. what if i really just suck at this and no matter how much i love it and care about it and put a lot of work and thought and effort into it what if theres just no chance for me and its all impossible. anyway im just rambling now but yeah. really doubt im getting into the show i auditioned for today

#flashing warning #suicide mention #self harm mention

[coccyodynia]

things:

four years and a few days ago, i entered treatment for dual diagnosis care to treat my mental health and drug use

for about 4 straight years before that, i’m not sure i was sober for more than an hour at a time

i was really heavily using benzos and always mixing them with an extreme amount of alcohol

frequently confused as to who i was then, how people perceived me, and how i’m still alive

i’m extremely grateful i went to treatment, because if i hadn’t had some kind of intervention, i dont think i would have survived another year like that

i still really really struggle with relapses

and in the last two years i’m not sure i’ve managed to have a clean streak longer than 3 months

but i am trying

my drug abuse ended up being the last straw for some important people in my life, who would eventually leave my life bc of it

anyway moving on to other topics

i finally saw justin this week, for the first time in three months

it’s been a pretty weird 3 month period of not really knowing where we stood bc i couldn’t keep my feelings to myself, and he needed a break from that i guess

i understand it will never again be like it was when we first started talking

and tbh that really kills me, but i’m very grateful he’s a part of my life still, in some way

the connection was immediately really strong from the start and i really credit him with helping me a lot

he was probably the first person to verbalize “i’m here for you”, and actually follow through with that sentiment

meeting him almost exactly one year after reid left my life is probably worth mentioning here but whatever

ive finally been able to start seeing my therapist again, and i meet with her monday

right now she can only schedule me every other week, which is a really hard adjustment for me to make tbh

since october of 2019 i probably have had therapy at least once a week

im really struggling with staying sane bc my job has become an incredibly stressful place for me, which didn’t used to be the case

like work has always had some level of stress, sure, but this last month or so, i have been getting physically sick from the stress, crying at my desk every day, etc

but on the other hand, i’m also having these really meaningful yet overwhelming moments of gratitude for being where i’m at

like yeah nothing is perfect or even close, but i have created a life for myself that works most of the time

im finally experiencing a level of safety and security that i have honest to god never felt before, and i did not even know that it could improve this much

growing up i didnt have any sense of safety or security at all, which i didn’t realize until very recently

in the last year or so working with nicole (my therapist), i have finally learned that the things i was subjected to as a child were not normal, and that it was traumatic

about 6 months or so ago (possibly less), i learned i have complex post traumatic stress disorder

i had pretty much known for over a decade that i was borderline, before i was officially diagnosed

but i didn’t even have an inkling of an idea that i could be experiencing CPTSD, so when my therapist gently told me i was, my world view realllyyyyy started to shatter and shift

it has been very very difficult to come to terms with tbh

anyways i really miss writing and photographing and making art so i hope to return to that soon

i’m at work rn and i should probably start doing my job before the bosses get here so ta-ta for now thanks for reading this insane post

#things

[pikopuri]

Bro I wish I had been a virgin at 19… it would have saved me a lot of PTSD related stuff but anyways you’re gorgeous and I’m sorry you’re not loving all of yourself right now but you really look lovely and there’s nothing wrong about you. Personally that anon was a bit harsh, I get where they’re coming from but you don’t decide over self hatred or anxiety or self consciousness. Or just being shy? Like, it’s stuff that people who seem like they live perfect lives can still have. And people who are publicly seen as beautiful can still hate themselves. It’s often no use to just tell people to suck it up and change, because the feelings of uncertainty tends to run deeper. So hey, I hope you didn’t feel too weirded out by that. But yes, there was a compliment in there too. About you being pretty, but, pretty isn’t everything. Neither is the experience of a fuck. It can be great, if you want it, but for the sake of it? Not always. Unfortunately. So anyway, that could be symptoms of real problems, and I hope anon is being a little more careful next time. You could end up triggering someone who is trying to not relapse too… you never know. Take care, you’re beautiful anyway. And I hope you’ll trust and feel that too, soon.

thank you and im sorry for what happened to you :(

[lyasthoughts]

Why do I feel like this . Noone cares about me not even my boyfriend noone check up on me no more noone is even trying to understand me all of them have someone already to replace me , am I that useless ?? do I really deserve this. I don't even think I want to be alive anymore I want to kill myself so bad or maybe jump off from a high hill or maybe I could just kill myself in the most tragic ways by slowly starving myself and making myself suffer slowly... I don't really want to live anymore I don't think noone even needs me no more fuck I miss the old me why do I have such a negative thoughts I feel like killing myself right now at this time this exact time man I can't even think straight I keep losing myself in my own mind while having so many words in it it's slowly making me insane I wish someone notice but I don't want them to notice I just want to hug someone so bad I hate having a heavy heart and the urge to cry every single day it's not making me feel sane and I hate getting mixed feelings by him . Am I getting love bombed?? Is he losing interest in me did he find another girl that's better than me ? I guess I deserves it . I'm weird and crazy anyways that's what he said lol. I'm mentally unstable emotionally and physically I can't even do a full attendance to school it's js keep getting worse fuck I hate myself I just want to run away and kill myself so people would finally care for me but I don't even think people is going to give a fuck if I'm gone anyways. I feel left out and I feel like I'm in a one sided relationship I tried so hard to be loyal for him and I tried so hard to ignore every guys who tried to confess to me I always cut them first before they confess to me so he won't get jealous but I don't know man. I think he don't like me anymore. I think he found someone else better and probably more prettier than me. I deserve it. Yeah noone give a fuck I think I'm going to relapse again tonight. I've been faking my smile , my laugh and giggles because I really don't feel anything anymore I can't even do it anymore all I do is just zone out randomly and start thinking and then tears coming out of my eyes I just , I really can't I swear everytime I see a sharp things or something that could kill me I feel like doing it I feel like killing myself I hate not saying anything but If I did noone cares anyways. If I die would anyone even care would anyone know it would anyone notice that I've been distancing myself from them ? Would the care I don't think so. Im better when I'm gone from the earth. I feel so miserable right now and noone knows , noone notice because I hid it so damn well that it's not even showing at all . My brain is slowly disappearing because of the thoughts that's eating it it's killing my brain , my mind. I wanna stab myself in the eyes and shoot my head and stab my heart so bad. I deserve nothing i. My whole body hurts especially my heart , it feels like it js got stabbed by a knife 57 times. Why am I even alive what is the purpose of me being alive ? Everyone could just replace me so easily it's not surprising I'm tired of being quiet but this is all I could say to my own self comforting myself with sadness. My room is very messy u can't even see the floor , I've been losing so much motivation that I don't even think that I could keep it up anymore , I feel like I can't move at all I feel the emptiness. I just can't . Do it anymore. I want to fucking kill myself.

#im going to kms