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#idk. i feel stupid for relapsing. i KNOW.it feels terrible and i dont even care much about getting skinny. i just miss starving myself
tinylittlebab
·
1 year
Text
hmm.
#ack. i wanna but a scale so bad but idk how much money i have rn
#well at least since im restricting again ill have more money since i dont spend it all on food
#wish i could get a job but id have to walk to it and i cant in the weather so im gonna wait till spring or summer
#might wait till i turn 18 bc ill have way more options so i might aswell. its only like 2 months off from when i could even get one at all
#hmmm. ill have to ask my mom to tell me how much is on my card bc i cant check it myself. im kinda regretting letting my sister not pay me
#back immediately for $30 bc then i could buy a scale rn but she doesnt have much rn so whatever
#going another month without a scale wont kill me. for the majority of the time before i recoved it didnt have a scale so whatever
#but i remember feeling so awful not even knowing if the pain i put myself through did anything so idk if its worth that
#i fall ever enough as is with my pots so idk if i wanna add starvation to tye mix when i cant even see the numbers drop
#well. ill find out how much i have today and if i have a fair bit then ill buy one soon but if not then ill just cry ig
#idk. i feel stupid for relapsing. i KNOW.it feels terrible and i dont even care much about getting skinny. i just miss starving myself
#its not about getting skinny its just about seeing the number go down and hurting myself and i know it doesnt actually feel good but like
#idk. my life has felt chaotic and out of control recently and i need something to hold on to even if it kills me
#i dont even wanna die anymore either. i used to but now i dont. i have life plans that i wanna pursue. im not stuck in a moldy house with
#people who abuse me. i live with my only friend in a place where i can actually go places. not many places but theres at least something
#idk. i think itd be easier to be ok if i had other friends but i just have my sister. i dont even know how or where you meet people
#everything i read either says scool for minors or bars for adults which is useless to me. the only others things are things not around me
#idk. i guess ill have to get a car eventually and when i do that then i can go places. i feel so bleh lately
#i just. i wanna be sickly and skinny. not bc i think im ugly but bc i wanna be sick. i dont dislike my appearance. im relatively thin
#not that it matters bc theres nothing wrong with being fat but like. idk. i used to hate my appearance so much but i dont now
#so it feels so weird that im relapsing anyway
#idk
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