#and b) it REALLY does not help the perception that a degree is something you pay for but don't actually need to learn anything to get

[essektheylyss]

Okay I did get distracted by a grade being posted and I am about to be both a nerd and a millennial but god ngl I do hate classes where you get full points on all your assignments but don't actually get any actual feedback on them. What is the point. If it's a class where everyone gets passing grades for making the effort but you get actual feedback and comments, that's great! But I would genuinely rather get points docked and get extensive comments on what I did well and what needed improvement and why than this.

#what is the POINT #like at that point it feels like busy work frankly! it doesn't feel like anyone's worrying about whether or not I learned something! #and like I can self reflect on my own learning. I'm good at that. that's fine. but a) not everyone can #and b) it REALLY does not help the perception that a degree is something you pay for but don't actually need to learn anything to get #which is a MASSIVE problem rn. there's no actual value placed on LEARNING THINGS. #like I know for a FACT that I have turned in B+ average assignments at best in this class. #just cuz I only have finite time and I gotta stay sane and it's not an area I'm going to go any further than surface level in. #the overview is good and important! but the work I'm doing is reflective of my investment and frankly it should've earned a B+ at most. #like at least if you're docking a point and telling me what for I know you READ the damn thing. christ alive. #you may ask yourself 'oh my god why are you like this' and the answer is. have you looked at my blog. #anyway. okay nOW I'm going to bed.

[aro-comics]

Growth (Part 1)

Growth, 1/3 – And … oh my gosh. I can’t believe it took THIS LONG to finish this comic ;A; I feel like I say this every time, but y’all – I STARTED PANELLING THIS ALMOST A WHOLE YEAR AGO. Really. It’s been sitting on my plate for too long, and I’m so glad I can finally share it!

Where do I even begin with my thoughts? For starters, I wanted to say the examples chosen in slide 8 are mainly from larger pieces of media, because they have greater influence on our *general social consciousness*. I don’t necessarily recommend or approve of the source material! I also have more thoughts on these characters, and about amatonormativity in relation to character growth in general, but for the sake of keeping this caption short(er) I will do so on my stories and pin them to my profile for future reference 😂

AUTHOR'S NOTE: For the sake of accessibility (and my own health) I will be making a transcript of the stories in its simplest form, posted here.

If you have any examples you can think of too, please let me know either in the comments or via DM 🐸🐸

I wish I was joking about the events which inspired this comic, but this LITERALLY happened to me, and this wasn’t the only time I experienced some form of amatonormativity or direct arophobia growing up. You may not think things like this are a problem, but this idea of romantic relationships as a crucial part of emotional growth has real world implications. Aros get told that their orientation IS the root of all their problems, or IS THE PROBLEM ITSELF, a lot. And not only is this wrong (and queerphobic), it also causes people to overlook the real issues that we may be struggling with. This can prevent us from getting help we NEED, not to mention the fact that orientation isn’t something that needs to be fixed.

In my personal experience … I don’t want to get into the specifics of the situation described here (Because it genuinely was one of the worst times of my life, and I don’t like thinking about it) – but basically, the help I needed was definitely NOT to get a romantic partner. A lot of my behaviours were very clearly ones that indicated I should have been hospitalized, or at least sent to a highly trained medical professional for intervention. But I never received any care, even though my parents were to some degree aware of what the issue was … and it somewhat appalls me that this family friend would take one look at me and somehow decide the issue was anything less than a serious, medical situation.

I want to emphasize I know none of them did it on purpose, and to be fair, it wasn’t entirely clear what the specific issue was (to the family friend at least). But it does hurt to have so clearly shown signs of crisis, to have done a near 180 in personality and behaviour, and to have it brushed off or implied that this is caused by something fundamental to your orientation. It makes me feel so inherently wrong, and if I’m going to be even more brutally honest I think the amatonormative way I was raised is a big part of the reason why I still struggle with my self esteem as an aro today. Even now, I still get told that maybe my remaining problems and personal struggles will go away if I was willing to give dating a try.

It just makes me so tired.

But, the more I reflect on my orientation and am able to connect with aros and the community as a whole, it has been helping. I don’t think it will go away any time soon, but at least when the feeling (that my orientation is something that’s fundamentally wrong with me) comes up I can tell myself that it just isn’t true. That I know that being aro isn’t a curse, isn’t a flaw, isn’t something that should haunt me for the rest of my life, that it’s something natural and beautiful and that I adore about my community. And I should extend that same care to myself, too. It has been getting easier.

As always, I would love to hear your thoughts and experiences on this topic. Do you feel that others perception of your maturity and growth as a human being is influenced by amatonormativity?

Image Descriptions

Title Card: Cover Image. This Comic series is titled “Growth”. Celia, an east asian girl with wavy chin length hair, is illustrated wearing a cream crop top and yellow pants sitting amongst leaves and yellow flowers on a rocky surface. A watering can sits in the background.

Slide 1: Celia is seen standing from the side, with her arms crossed. She frowns. “When I was going through one of the worst times of my life, a family friend went out of his way to tell my parents that he noticed how unconfident I seemed.”

Slide 2: Scene turns to a memory, depicted as a sketch. The family friend is shown talking to Celia’s parents. “He told them not to worry though, because there was an easy solution. I just needed to find the right person, and start dating them.”

Slide 3: A speech bubble from the family friend illustrates this analogy. On the left is a flower pot with no plant, and a sad face above it. On the right is a blooming flower with hearts around it.

Celia’s note: I wish I was making this up. Blossom was LITERALLY the analogy used here

Slide 4: Back to Celia, who is speaking to the reader now: “It really, really hurt. I knew the reason why I wasn’t the best version of myself wasn’t because I hadn’t found love.”

Slide 5: She stares down at a yellow flower as she continues, “But unfortunately, I think thoughts, and unwarranted comments like these, stem from a deeper amatonormative view of the subject of growth”

Slide 6: “Countless stories which show the hero’s growth as pinned to their romantic arc.” Illustrated beneath is a stereotypical hero kneeling on the ground in front of his love interest. He holds a yellow flower as he says “I couldn’t have become the person I am today without you, your love showed me what’s worth trying for”.

Slide 7: “And on the more toxic side of things, those without romantic love or those who reject it end up as decrepit, cold, emotionally stunted, or sad.”

A few characters from popular, influential, or otherwise notable television shows are depicted here: Cruella de Vil from 101 Dalmations, Queen Chrysalis from My Little Pony (Generation 4), Dr. Berkowitz from One Day at a Time, Alan Harper from Two and a Half Men, and Rajesh Koothrappali from The Big Bang Theory. A note indicates to the reader to check the description.

As a disclaimer: The inclusion of these characters do not indicate the author’s recommendation or approval of the original source material – they are only meant to serve as examples of the point to be made.

Slide 8: Scene switches to Celia now watering a collection of ferns, mugworts, and other leafy plants in a greenhouse. She says “As an aro person, it’s tiring to hear the more toxic side of this narrative again and again. It feels like we’re being told we won’t grow, like others can.”

#regularcomic #GrowthComic

[suncaptor]

guess whos back to talk about sam and cas sorry but i will never stop being annoying about this. like i just saw this post of yours and a) can i use it to help me write my fic but also b) so you brought up something really interesting about how much cas knows what lucifer did to sam because he took on the hell trauma in s7. and sam not knowing how much cas knows. like the angst of it all!!! but also ok so i wanted to ask like, given the right time right place, do you think sam would ever ask cas like what do you know or what did you see in that time. like is it something sam would ever dare ask. and then equally would cas dare answer. and would they be better or worse for it.

HI and yes LOVE Cas & Sam angst with PASSION. 1.) yes!! This post is like, part of my later seasons sastiel thesis so go ahead thanks for liking it 2.) Sam would NOT dare ask. Sam is incredibly INCREDIBLY ashamed of the Cage. He does not open up to like anyone, at most in vague terms Rowena but even then meeting her on a level that does not remotely actually construe his own personal experience. And like even referring to the Cage he uses depersonalised terms for the type of close personal abuse he experienced.

I do think Cas would answer without hesitation, but I personally speculate he doesn't know because Cas is very emotionally empathetic and had he been able to put more than a vague idea of Lucifer's danger and cruelty (and Lucifer thrives on being a comical asshole and making Sam's trauma seem illegitimate) he would NOT have acted the way he did regarding Lucifer with Sam. I cannot imagine him saying yes and giving Lucifer access to Sam if he knew the past rather than "oh this guy is bad because he tortured (? to a degree it almost killed him but what does that mean??) Sam", nor would he have been so unsympathetic and guilt tripped Sam in beat the devil. I think hes like. A bit clueless. So you have Sam, too humiliated to EVER ask, and Cas, not understanding the gravity of what this has done to them.

I feel like to get this out in the air it would have to be by some other means than them trying purposely to conflict resolve. For example, if anyone has sastiel possession fics PLEASE let me see them (because hey Gadreel IS someone who knows and says Sam's insides reak of shame and weakness lines of all time). Part of the issue is Sam's not going to ... slip up? I don't think he carries BITTERNESS about it, even if it keeps him from being vulnerable in the ways he could be with Cas. He really does see Cas as well intentioned and just assumes his own perception is untrustworthy or his trauma is unimportant.

I still think there are a lot of ways to bring the issue to the surface, because I don't think Cas would have any issue talking about it. He just wouldn't think it's an issue. Sam wouldn't ask though. Because he's both humiliated and terrified to know the answer.

Btw if you have any ways of resolving this I want ALL OF THEM EVER. Including recs or concepts or your work. I want to see it etc.

#spn #incoherents #sammy #supernatural #cas #sam winchester #castiel #ask #tagging this sastiel but its all on platonic beats too since i think you usually stick more gen with ace Cas right? #but for my organisation #sastiel

[damixnpriest]

Hey Jay, I hope you don't mind this and please feel free to ignore, you just speak your truth always so well and I might be overthinking this.

Do you maybe have any tips on dealing with shame about pronouns? I struggle a lot, because for reasons I cannot be out irl atm, but I finally figured out which pronouns I'm comfortable with, he/him. But I feel extremely ashamed about calling myself that online or with strangers irl, it makes me feel like a fraud and undeserving cause I'm not out in most parts of my life and if I'll come out in the next year it will probably be with they/them first (because I'm a coward and last time I tried hinting at he/him didn't end well). Like I know who I am now, but I am not brave enough to live it.

Okay well first of all, thank you for trusting me with this, that means so much to me.

I think the best thing I can do is tell you that I am not out in a lot of irl situations either, and I go by she/her pronouns very often. I also go by they/them with some people at uni because explaining te complex details of my trans masculinity is a fucking chore and I cba doing it. Do you think I should be ashamed that I don't instantly correct every person I know on my pronouns? I'm guessing you don't. Offer yourself the same kindness.

Try shifting your perception of this a little - really, it's all just boundaries. You have different boundaries with different people, we all do. And we let different people see different parts of ourselves, whether that is because it's practical, or safer, or simply none of their fucking business! I'm sure you practice this to some degree already. So, stop thinking of it as you lying or hiding this part of yourself, and think of it instead as only allowing certain people the priviledge to know that part of you. Honestly, they should be so lucky for you to trust them with that.

Also - you do not have to earn your pronouns. I am sat on my sofa with my whole ass titties out right now, having come back from a shift with my literal gay workmate where I just... went by she/her. If you have to earn the right to use your pronouns by telling everyone or doing a certain thing or looking a certain way then slap my ass and call me [deadname] because I did not earn shit today, I didn't do the bare minimum. I'm still a gorgeous, PROUD trans masc nonbinary person and I don't have to do shit to earn that!

As for doing it online - start small. Faceless tumblr accounts are a good thing here because a) no one is tracing it back to you and b) no one really questions it? And if anyone does give you grief, just get nice and intimate with the block and report buttons. You literally do not have to interact with dickheads on this site unless you want to. You can always change your pronouns back if you want to!

Lastly, and most importantly, I would rather you were awkward and uncomfortable and even dysphoric than in real genuine danger. Being "out" - which is a very flawed binary perpetuated by cishet people who think they are entitled to every aspect of someone's identity - is a privilege that less trans people than you might think from looking at them online can afford. Bravery has nothing to do with it. You are not a coward for protecting yourself, whether that be physically or even just from the mental strain of having to reassert and explain your identity to a bunch of strangers!! Strangers!! Bestie!! They literally don't know you!! Do not let their opinions fuck with you like this!!

If you want to go by he/him, you go by he/him by whoever you trust to respect that and keep you safe. As far as I am concerned, the rest haven't earned the right to call you he/him, not the other way around.

This is so long but I hope you can get something helpful from it.

Love u x

#jay.txt #dysphoria mention #transphobia mention #stay safe my lovely friend #i hope you find some peace with this soon!! <3

[alfredosauce50]

would you be down to do 2p china hc’s? im very curious on how you characterize him!

I’m down! I’m guessing you figured I had my own interpretation of the guy after I answered an ask saying I’d write for him. I really like 2p! China as a character, but I have to say, I haven’t properly written for him before. Nevertheless, I’ll give you my thoughts on him as a person!

2p! China Headcanons

Zao’s appearance doesn’t give away much of his personality. He’s got a bit of a baby face, and he has a sociable and pleasant demeanor for the most part. So if you didn’t know him well enough to see past those traits, you would be surprised at how shady he can be.

Appearance

Like his 1p counterpart, his dark brown hair goes past his shoulders and is tied back in a low ponytail. It’s pretty thin too, so it stays flat against his back. But that’s what makes it look so good. He isn’t the tallest guy out there, as he stands around 170cm or 5′7″. Doesn’t mean you can easily take him out in a fight, though. He’s quite slender, but he’s muscular and knows a few martial arts to boot.

He has a lot of tattoos, and he doesn’t try to hide them. He has dragons curling down his arms, as well as Chinese characters etched into his back. Most of the time, he wears traditional clothing, such as a sleeveless Tang suit, so his arms are exposed. It’s almost as if the colors black and red were made for him. And he knows it. So unless he’s having a bad day where he’ll go for a simple T-shirt, he likes to dress to impress. Not that he even needs to try.

He’s devilishly attractive, and the way he talks gets girls flocking to him.

Personality

Zao is very easy-going and open-minded. He’ll talk about anything with anyone. Everything is fascinating in a way, and nothing seems to faze him either. So he’s the type to question the most trivial things in life--or list drugs as casually as you would your favorite candy bars. It’s also difficult to shock him, or anger him. When life deals him a bad hand, or springs up inconveniences, he’ll go with the flow because that’s life. So unless something involves the person he likes, he keeps himself pretty level-headed.

With his willingness to talk about anything, comes his brutal honesty and bluntness. So sometimes, he’ll find himself offending people even if he never meant to. If he does this to women, they’ll slap him before storming off, leaving him in confusion at what he did wrong. But if he does this to men, he’ll have to be quick on his feet to escape a potential fight. Unlike a few other 2ps, he has a good temperament so he avoids violence, but he’ll resort to it if he absolutely has to.

Despite the careers he’s depicted to have, like being a drug-dealer, something in adult entertainment, night-life, or anything illegal, he has strong fraternal instincts. If somebody embodied the “big brother” trope, it would be him. He cares a lot for his younger siblings, and they look up to him as a role model. But he’ll always tell them, “Do as I say, not as I do!” As comfortable as he is in his own skin, his own identity, he wouldn’t want them taking after him.

He’s very flirtatious, and a huge tease. How he shows he likes you is through making you blush, or embarrassed. He’ll call you pet names. Shower you with compliments. Refer to you as if you and him are already an item. If you bumped into him at a grocery store, he’ll help you shop, then say, “So, is that all we need? I can’t wait for dinner tonight.” Zao is also unapologetically dirty-minded. He’s all about dirty jokes, conversations, and gestures. The bigger reaction he gets, the more addicting they are.

He doesn’t have any qualifications, not even a high school diploma, but he’s street-smart to make up for it. That’s how he makes so many connections and hustles his way up to the top in shady businesses. If you need something, anything, legal or illegal, expensive or cheap, you can ask him, and 99% of the time, he’ll say, “I know a guy.” If he likes you, all he wants in return is something perverted. A kiss, maybe. Or maybe your underwear.

Interests

He loves anything cute, and he doesn’t hide it. Sanrio is a must--he keeps a collection of their plushies, most of them being Hello Kitty, but he also likes other characters such as Cinnamoroll and Pompompurin. Sometimes, he can get a bit obsessive over whatever sells fast. So if he has to, he’ll stay up and keep refreshing the page selling whatever he has his eyes on. If he’s infamous for his connections that let him get pretty much anything he wants, surely he can get his hands on the limited-edition Hello Kitty-themed towel, right!? He isn’t against having other kinds of merchandise either, like household items, but he keeps it lowkey for functionality.

In his house, you’ll find a lot of imports from East-Asian countries. Not only is he used to using them when he was back in China, they’re better than what you can find in America. Or at least, in his opinion. This includes cosmetics, snacks, alcohol, and decorations.

Although he doesn’t have a lot of time to, he enjoys watching anime. That’s why he makes sure to get through the most popular and mainstream ones first.

Zao likes to keep connected with his culture. He doesn’t care to assimilate, and being ‘different’ doesn’t bother him at all--he thinks it’s what gives him a unique personality and background. Since he doesn’t have a lot of friends to speak Mandarin with, he’ll look for his neighbors who can, and strike up a conversation every now and then. As well as that, he’ll give his siblings red pockets for Chinese New Year so they can spend it on food, videogames or whatever they want.

He can’t cook for shit. Even then, he has strong opinions on food, especially Chinese. While he enjoys westernised take out like Panda express, he wishes people would stop assuming Chinese cuisine is just dumplings, fried rice, noodles and yum cha. They’re B-tier at best. For a country with that rich and long a history, there’s so much more to indulge in. Too bad he can’t make anything if he tried.

Psychology + romance

Zao is used to being a second choice. His cheerfulness and bluntness make other people think he’s creepy or weird, so he can’t quite wrap his head around somebody liking him to that degree--or getting particularly close to him. At least, emotionally. There are a lot of girls who want him for one-night stands. But this doesn’t stop him from flirting with someone he genuinely likes, even if he doesn’t expect anything in return. It’s fun because they get flustered, after all. But when they start returning the same energy, get persistent, or even make him suspect that they like him back, he will get nervous. He’s used to being the chaser, not the other way around. So if the tables turn and things start getting real, he will back away.

As confident as he is with his image, it’s difficult for him to get intimate with somebody romantically. He’s open, but can’t be vulnerable. He’d rather keep things casual, so when he really falls for someone, he’ll be conflicted between keeping things the way they are, or pursuing them.

Eventually, these feelings will deepen to the point being just friends becomes suffocating. That’s when Zao loses his cool and gets frustrated. It could happen due to a build-up of his emotions, or an event that makes him explode from jealousy. He’ll get desperate after so long of not doing anything and make it very clear he wants you. “Just date me already!”

When he finally gets together with you, prepare to be coddled. He’ll want to help you with anything the best way he can, and go to extreme lengths to do so. Nothing seems extreme when it’s for somebody he cares so much about. While he never holds it against you--how much he does for you--he may or may not guilt trip you into giving him more affection. But only subtly. Instead of him kissing you, he'll loiter around your presence until you kiss him. And when you do, he’ll smile like an idiot.

He never makes it explicit when he wants to take you out on a date. Zao will just ask you if you’re free, and take you out for the night. He doesn’t see a point in labelling it as a ‘date’, because he doesn’t just see quality time with you through a romantic and sexual lens. He values the friendship aspect of it as well, and you really appreciate him for it.

Zao loves to cuddle. He doesn’t hug you much throughout the day, but when you’re at home and about to sleep, he will hug you, a lot. He won’t let go while he talks to you, and will only loosen his coils when you fall asleep.

Acknowledgements

I was mainly inspired by the 2p! China in the story, “Dragon District”, written by xYourHero. So props to them. The fandom’s perception of him has definitely deepened because of it, and it’s great seeing underrated 2ps finally getting the attention they deserve! I’m one of the people who’s had my characterization of Zao take after hers, so I’ll also be crediting her for my headcanons.

You can find the story on DeviantArt, Archive of our own and Wattpad. I adored that fic back in the day. Such good memories. I wasn’t even writing back when I was reading it. Any who, let’s get right into it. I’ve divided the headcanons into subcategories, appearance, personality, interests, and psychology + romance.

(Look at this fanart is by Amphany on DeviantArt. It was drawn for xYourHero. I’m gonna put it here for reference. https://www.deviantart.com/amphany/art/Dragon-smoke-548426383)

#hetalia #hetalia headcanons #2ptalia #2p!china #2p china #2p china headcanons #2ptalia x reader #2pchina x reader #axis powers hetalia #Axis powers ヘタリア #hetalia fanfiction #hetalia fanfic #alfredosauce50 #ask

[asscandles]

Hey thanks for clarifying before now can I have some friendship(maybe secret crush)headcanons for Fuyuhiko, Peko, and Toko with a friend(reader) thats llike your generic dumbass but they are just like a soft dumbass, they are just too cute to get mad at no matter how stupid they are. So basically a giant cuddly dumbass that just radiate baby energy. Like they(reader)just run up to them saying they want to show them something cool and its just a pretty rock but they look so happy. gender neutral.

ᴛʜɪꜱ ɪꜱ ᴋɪɴᴅ ᴏꜰ ʟᴏɴɢ, ꜱᴏ ɪ ᴅᴇᴄɪᴅᴇᴅ ᴛᴏ ᴘᴜᴛ ɪᴛ ᴜɴᴅᴇʀ ᴛʜᴇ ᴄᴜᴛ. ᴛʜɪꜱ ᴡᴀꜱ ᴀ ʟᴏᴛ ᴏꜰ ꜰᴜɴ ᴛᴏ ᴡʀɪᴛᴇ, ꜱᴏ ɪ ʀᴇᴀʟʟʏ ʜᴏᴘᴇ ʏᴏᴜ ᴇɴᴊᴏʏ ɪᴛ! ʙᴜᴛ, ɪꜰ ɪᴛ ɪꜱɴ’ᴛ ᴡʜᴀᴛ ʏᴏᴜ ᴡᴀɴᴛᴇᴅ, ɪ’ᴍ ꜱᴏʀʀʏ!

ɪ ᴀʟꜱᴏ ꜰɪɴɪꜱʜᴇᴅ ᴛʜɪꜱ ᴀᴛ 3:26 ᴀᴍ ʟɪᴋᴇ ᴛᴡᴏ ᴡᴇᴇᴋꜱ ʟᴀᴛᴇ, ɪ’ᴍ ᴀʟꜱᴏ ꜱᴏʀʀʏ ᴀʙᴏᴜᴛ ᴛʜɪꜱ ꜱᴋᴀʟꜰꜰᴅᴊᴋꜰᴀʟ

ᴡᴀʀɴɪɴɢꜱ: ʟᴀɴɢᴜᴀɢᴇ

Peko Pekoyama

“I--What are you doing?”

You stand on the counter, arms extended straight out at your sides. You continue staring ahead with an expressionless face. “I see no god up here… other than me!”

Peko sighs, and you immediately look down at her with round eyes. “Oh, but you’ll always be my queen, Peko! I want you by my side forever!”

Since Peko is always wielding/cleaning her sword, you carry around pastel-colored bandaids and a small first-aid kit in your backpack.

You’re usually by her side, so your absence is always noticed quickly, if not immediately.

You once fell asleep somewhere you shouldn’t have, leaving Peko to ravage the island, searching every nook and cranny until she finally found you curled up in a corner of the airport. All she could do was sigh and crack a tiny, relieved smile. She transfers her sword to her hands before easing you onto her back. Her heart swells when you mumble something and wrap your arms around her neck. All the way back to your cottage, she chides you quietly.

“It’s not safe to be so vulnerable out here. If you’re going to fall asleep out here, do it while I’m with you. Then, you can sleep as soundly as you want.”

M A T C H I N G  B R A C E L E T S

You excitedly gave Peko a card to celebrate the anniversary of your friendship. Peko snorted upon seeing that all of the drawings inside were either stick figures or poorly colored. But you just looked so happy… she couldn’t even bring herself to tease you about it.

You both refuse to speak of this, but one night, Peko woke up to the flickering of a faint light and feverish whispering. She had switched into attack mode in a fraction of a second, only to stop dead in her tracks. You had been standing in the middle of the room, doing the renegade by the light of your phone. You froze upon her reaction. Both of you sat there, staring at each other for a solid twelve seconds. You then proceeded to finish the dance, looking her dead in the eye. Peko may have be tired, but she’d be damned if she let you do it alone. So, she does it while standing on her bed, but clearly lacking energy and motivation.

Ambushing Peko with affection is not uncommon for you. It happens rather often, you clinging to her waist and pleading with her, “Hey, tell me that story again! You know, the one where Fuyuhiko was being held captive and you swooped in with your sword and saved the day!”

When you found out that Peko loved fluffy things, you were ecstatic. You bundled her into your cottage immediately, showing off a small collection of stuffed animals that you had managed to cram into your backpack before your arrival at the island.

Peko selects a white cat plushie as her favorite. From that point on, it is your child. No arguments.

You tend to get lost, so Peko sarcastically suggested tying a balloon to your wrist so that you would be easier to find. But, you totally caught her off guard when your eyes began to sparkle and you shouted, “Can I pick the color?” When she doesn’t answer immediately, you grab her hands and hold them close to your own chest endearingly. “Pretty please? With marshmallows and cookie crumble and whipped cream and sprinkles on top?” Peko obliges. When the balloon is finally secured around your wrist, you are absolutely fascinated by it.

You often fawn over Peko’s skills; but when you do, you use interjections and sound effects because you aren’t able to convey your excitement with just words.

Okay, but she’s actually worried about you lmao

“You have… a lot of mosquito bites. What happened?”

“What? They’re not bites! They were giving me kisses, silly!”

You’ve tried multiple times to surprise her with tickle attacks, but they never work. The only time it went according to plan, you managed to get your hands on her for exactly 0.7 seconds before she turned the tables on you.

Platonic dates? Platonic dates.

You’ve 100% made her flower crowns whose petals match the color of her eyes. 

Fuyuhiko Kuzuryu

“So… I saw some sour candy in the supermarket. If you lend me the money, I’ll give you half of the rocks I found.” :)

“Considering the fact that you get an adrenaline rush from successfully flipping a pancake, a single piece would kill you immediately.”

Everyone who discovers you two are friends is immediately suspicious. When I say suspicious, I mean, “(Reader), whatever blackmail he’s holding over your head, you don’t have to be scared. We can take care of this together.”

But after witnessing a few of your interactions, they learn of one irrefutable fact.

The embodiment of rage and vulgarity bottled up in human skin does indeed have a weakness.

And that weakness is you.

It didn’t take long for Fuyuhiko to become aware of your appreciation for stickers and your tender heart. That being said, when you’re upset, he won’t object too severely when you request to smooth stickers all over him. He would prefer to keep this interaction private, but if someone does happen to catch him with giraffe stickers on his cheeks and rainbows on his jacket, then he’s going to wear them proudly, goddamnit.

And if anyone has anything rude to say about it, then I hope they can speak sign language, because all they’ll be seeing is hands.

You’re aware of his insecurities, and you can understand why he feels the way that he does. But that’s where you come in. You always seem to approach him at the right moments. 

By now, you’ve figured out that he doesn’t always need words to reassure him. It’s enough if you’re just there, ready with open arms and a glass of water. Fuyuhiko doesn’t cry often. But when he does, he ends up dehydrated more often than not.

Let’s be honest. After Fuyuhiko lost his eye, his depth perception was most likely shit. You were always at his side, one hand on his arm as you gently guided him from room to room. You watched over him.

Accidentally knocking over a drink? You were ready to wipe it up. Searching for something he lost? You were there, helping him look. Tripping or bumping into things? You were there with a first aid kit to patch him up.

You try to match his level of sass, but you’re highkey too nervous to swear and you usually stutter the last word of whatever witty comeback you manage to come up with. Fuyuhiko secretly thinks it’s adorable, and he doesn’t want you to lose that part of yourself. That’s why he always defends you when it comes to verbal beatdowns.

You once drew a face on an egg, and when Fuyuhiko questioned you about it, the only thing you could offer was a deadpan “our son.”

“What the hell--that’s an egg.”

“No! His name is Linguini and he’s our child!”

Fuyuhiko is exhausted bro.

You’ve approached him countless times, eyes glowing with awe and insisting that you need to show him something really cool. It’s usually just a rock or a piece of glass, though. He always has the urge to poke fun at you for it, but it fizzles away when he sees how utterly bewitched you are with your find.

One time, he had walked into the room to see you standing on the arms of an office swivel chair, knees bent and arms extended as you fought to maintain your balance. You seemed to be fairly steady.

Still, that didn’t prevent him from nearly falling into cardiac arrest on the spot.

“What the fuck are you doing?”

It had startled you, and the chair rolled out from underneath you. Fuyuhiko rushed to catch you. You both tumbled to the floor in a knot of limbs, lying there in varying degrees of pain. You were laughing. Fuyuhiko was absolutely most fucking not.

“Thanks for breaking my fall!” You had chirped, gesturing to the arm lodged under the small of your back to protect it.

“You little--” Fuyuhiko’s voice had been strained, but his tight-lipped grimace dissolved into a sigh at the sight of your smile. He disentangled himself from you and pressed the pad of his index finger into your forehead. Your lips formed a small “o” shape, your eyes crossing to try to keep track of his finger. “You need to be more careful from now on. I won’t always be here to catch you.”

“But, you’ll still patch me up afterward, right?” You poked his forehead back.

He huffed and pulled away from you. “To the best of my ability. But don’t push it.”

Toko Fukawa

Initially, the only reason that Toko set aside her natural distrust and suspicion of people in order to befriend you was because she thought that you were simply too innocent and simple-minded to ever think badly of a friend.

She thought that having such a sweetheart glued to her side would disperse her dubious reputation and make her seem less suspicious during class trials.

Yep… That’s the only reason she keeps you around...

Not because of the way her heart feels all fuzzy when you embrace her… Or because of how your eyes sparkle whenever she offers to let you read one of her new works… Or because of how relaxed she feels when you weave her hair into intricate braids…

Not at all…

Hahahashutuphahaha…

She often scolds you for being such a pushover when people disrespect you, but she means well. You insist that it doesn’t bother you, but she’s an expert on human emotion. She is a writer, after all. She knows that it haunts your thoughts for a while afterward, and she hates seeing you like that.

You’ve noticed that Toko bites her nails when she’s stressed, so you’ve decided to combat her habit by applying nail polish to her nails. That way, you figure, the taste of the nail polish will deter her from tearing at them with her teeth. She also has the option of picking off the nail polish, which is probably less harmful than chewing on them.

You also kinda sorta... believe that video game cheat codes work in real life, so you’re often moving around and jumping, shouting the combinations as you go.

“Right! Right! Left! Up! Left! Down! Right! X! Y! Now, confess your sins!” You command during a class trial, pointing vaguely toward the accused. Toko just quietly shushes you, dark circles rimming her eyes as she pats your head.

You’ve adopted the habit of narrating the things you do, like whispering “wiggle, wiggle, wiggle” when sliding your feet into your shoes and “shimmy, shimmy, shimmy” when slipping your charm bracelet past your hand onto your wrist. Coincidentally, Toko has also subconsciously started doing the same thing, and she cannot think of anything more irritating.

She once jokingly told you to stop being so dependent on her. You promptly flushed scarlet and snatched the box she had been carrying out of her hands, insisting that you were more than capable of taking it to storage yourself. You had marched indignantly out of the room and headed left, only for Toko to call out, “Uh, storage is the other way.”

You reappeared a moment later, now stomping in the opposite direction. “I knew that!” You huffed.

You’re aware of Genocide Jack, but you aren’t afraid. You whole-heartedly trust that your friendship is enough to outmatch Genocide Jack’s bloodlust, as naive as it may be. Your only response to Toko’s confession of having a split personality is to gift her a cherry-flavored lip balm with a bright smile. At first, Toko is confused. You explain that whenever Genocide Jack makes an appearance, their tongue is always lolling out of their mouth. You’re concerned that their lips will get dried out, and you want to do your best to prevent it.

Did Toko’s heart just burst? Maybe.

Toko shares her romance novels with you, but only the ones without sexual interactions. She believes that you’re far too pure for those. Plus, she would really not rather answer your questions about anything of that nature.

Toko is determined to preserve your purity. She’s very protective whenever someone shows the slightest bit of sexual or romantic interest in you, and has even referred to you as her baby before.

Whenever Toko gets insecure or anxious and covers her face with her hands, you gently remove them from her face with a soft giggle of “Peekaboo!” Toko doesn’t fight you as you carefully pull her into your arms and rest her head against your chest. In fact, she finds herself surprisingly close to tears when you inquire, “Hey, you want to hear a lullaby? I can’t remember who sang it to me first, but it always helps me calm down. So, I want to share it with you!”

There will be times when Toko is too busy writing stories to pay you any attention. But no matter! After a moment of consideration, you have an idea. You gather blankets and pillows and settle onto the floor beside Toko’s seat. Your arms loop themselves around her leg, and your head finds its way onto her thigh. It isn’t long before you doze off, Toko watching you in silent shock, face rosy with bashfulness and eyes wide.

Toko is very adamant about covering up her legs due to both the tally marks scored across her skin and the quote-on-quote “sturdiness” of her thighs. You, however, have an entirely different outlook. You reason, “the bigger your thighs, the more snacks you can hide under them!” 

#danganronpa #danganronpa headcanons #danganronpa imagines #danganronpa scenarios #toko fukawa #danganronpa toko #trigger happy havoc #danganronpa fuyuhiko #danganronpa fukawa #danganronpa peko #peko pekoyama #toko fuwaka #fuyuhiko x reader #fuyuhiko headcanons #fuyuhiko kuzuryu x reader

[jokertrap-ran]

(光与夜之恋 Light and Night) Main Story Chapter 2-3: 时间针脚 The Patchwork of Time Translation

“If this happens again, that'll be the last design you're ever going to be making in Warson. We are not a charity.”

*Light and Night Master-list *Spoiler free: Translations will remain under cut *Join the Light & Night Discord (＾▽＾)~ ♪ *Main story tag will be #For Light and Night

MC: … Sariel is calling for me?

Although I was confused beyond measure at why he would do that, I still complied, walking over to him.

Sariel: Rookie?

MC: Yes?

Sariel: Tell me what you think about this design.

MC: ?

Sariel had already handed me the design draft he had on hand while I was still stuck being puzzled.

❖☆———————————★❖

It was a yellowing sheet of paper. One look told you that it had probably seen a couple of years. There was even a splotchy light brown stain on the blank area.

I looked at the one-piece dress that had been drafted in the centre of the paper.

An intricately, yet delicately modified shoulder line, a tight waist area, and a pleated skirt made out of a thick material that fell over the knees. It was a classic design of a dress, its style reminiscent of the great Fashion Designer, Joseph Clinton's.

But I'm sure he isn't asking me to just comment on the design style of this, right?

How should I answer him?

☆Light Choice: Praise the good points

MC: I think this design to be… bold.

Sariel suddenly raises his eyes to look at me, his sharp gaze making me feel a tad nervous.

MC: This design draft feels like a vintage piece.

MC: I can see the not-yet developed version of the bias-cutting technique, which originated from the start of the last century, here.

MC: So, I’m pretty sure that this draft hails from those times of war.

MC: During those times, the fashion industry took a big hit due to the economic depression and the lack of resources.

MC: Women gave up their dresses, swapping them out for simple and practical uniforms and wide pants.

MC: But in this draft—

MC: Whether it be the special tailoring to further emphasize the curves of a woman’s body or the design of the beautiful bubble skirt, it all requires over ten meters of fabric to be created.

MC: It is a blatant revolution against the fashion trends during those times.

MC: The Designer for this piece hopes to use fashion to help liberate people from those warring times, and also to reshape people’s perception of beauty.

★Night Choice: Point out what's lacking

MC: From the draft, I can see how this is supposedly being created with the bias cut.

MC: The bias-cutting technique was only founded at the start of the last century, so I assume that this draft was created in times of war.

MC: Given that this draft was restricted by the era in which it was created, where the seaming and pleating of skirts were not yet as advanced, I'd say that this still has room for improvement.

MC: The internal structure of the chemise is overly complicated, so it's not very friendly on the wearer.

MC: However, it was able to break out of the wartime's style of “simple is best”, with practicality as its main design factor.

MC: It liberated women from overly baggy clothing and uniforms, reshaping people's perception of what makes things beautiful.

MC: This design spirit is something that should be applauded.

I quietly waited for Sariel to respond after I'd said my piece.

Sariel: That will do. Put it down.

MC: Right…

Sariel: This design draft that you're seeing right now...

Sariel: Is a work of Joseph Clinton's, from the time before he released the "Amber" Collection.

MC: !

So it really is Clinton's work!

That caused a stir in the meeting room as all designers present moved closer upfront to take a look at the design draft.

Designer A: No wonder it looked so familiar… This is definitely the same as his style of elegance and grace.

Designer B: The "Amber" Collection?  Isn't that Clinton's most highly-awarded masterpiece?

Designer C: Not only is it a masterpiece, it even made a new fashion trend take the world in stride! It still has a strong influence even now.

Sariel: He made this draft in an era that was all for simplicity, pissing his boss off so badly that he flung the bottle. It was a fine wine.

Sariel: Decallan 1928.

Sariel: Clinton kept it for a very long time, yet he never managed to taste it.

Sariel glanced at the faint brown stain on the draft, his eyes slightly glazing over. The slight mirth that tinged his voice was reminiscent of how one would describe the embarrassing moments of a friend of theirs.

But Clinton has already long since passed on, and none of these things was ever mentioned in his autobiography… So, why does Sariel know all of this?

Sariel pauses for a while before picking the drafted design sketch back up again.

Sariel: He was fired. This untimely design of his nearly ended his career right there and then.

Sariel: But, he managed to establish his own Fashion Studio in the end, funded and backed by a wealthy businessman.

Sariel: The "Amber" Collection was created using this draft as a baseline.

He pulled out another design draft from the folder. It was also a little yellowed, but still, a precious draft that had withstood the trials of time all the same.

Sariel: And in 1947, Joseph Clinton came out with the "Amber" Collection.

Sariel: It doesn’t matter whether it is a strapless arc that hugs one’s shoulders, or a long bud-skirted dress made with densely woven cotton.

Sariel: They all helped challenge and revolt against the society that was suffering from post-war depression and the trying times.

Sariel: The reason why his fashion designs awe people is because it represents free-spiritedness and an unyielding spirit.

Sariel: Pursuing beauty and personal exploration will always be the main factors of design.

Sariel: Unfortunately, I do not see these in any of the works that you've turned in.

Sariel: If this happens again, that'll be the last design you're ever going to be making in Warson.

Sariel: We are not a charity.

Calm, rational, highly professional, and leaving absolutely no room for debate.

Everyone present suddenly pales as the temperature seemingly drops to sub-zero degrees.

I daringly raised my head, only for my line of sight to coincidentally coincide with the look he shot over. I saw the slight amusement that had yet to falter, hidden within the depths of his eyes.

Light flickered, wavering within those pale depths. It was almost as if the translucent amber wanted to encase the small sliver of a smile, sealing it within its depths.

Does this mean that he acknowledges my prior reply?

I was stunned. I blinked in disbelief, unsure if what I saw was real. However, he'd already returned to his usual frosty countenance before I could process anything.

It looks like what happened earlier was merely just an illusion of mine...

❖☆————— ⊹ For Light & Night⊹ —————★❖

Previous Part: (Chapter 2-1) | Next Part: (Chapter 2-5)

#光与夜之恋 #Light and Night #Otome #Translations #Tencent #萧逸 #Osborn #齐司礼 #Sariel #陆沉 #Evan #查理苏 #Charlie #夏鸣星 #Jesse #For Light and Night

[fursasaida]

re: music. please do tell

(for everyone else: this is about my commenting in some tags that the idea that music is "how we decorate time" vs architecture decorating space, or music as something that is pure time or happens purely in time, is bullshit)

there are two ways to look at this. one is practical (and snotty) and one is theoretical.

practical: the production of music depends at least as much on the manipulation of space as it does the manipulation of time (rhythm, pacing, etc). your larynx and vocal chords, string instruments, wind instruments, drums all depend on resonance chambers and distances (length of the string, pipe, vocal cord, etc; dimensions of the drum, shape you make with your mouth, etc). that musical sound of the tinkling brook has to do with the volume of water, size of the stones, length of the drops, etc. this is because music is sound, sound requires vibration, vibration has physical properties that vary with various attributes of extension that are undeniably spatial. even digitally recorded and manipulated music relies heavily on tools for simulating spatial conditions of production--different kinds of reverb, for example. not to mention: you can hear any of it because of your god damn ear, which is another kind of resonance chamber. not to mention: how could anybody make music without any space to move in. even slapping your knee requires fucking up and down. AND HAVE WE CONSIDERED ACOUSTICS.

theoretical: ok ok so we don't have to take this so literally. it can be kind of poetic--or, as in some philosophy etc., illustrative/theoretical. my charge here is that treating music as "pure time" is bad poetics and does not help us explain anything theoretically either. theoretically: space and time aren't separate. i do not blame some random twitter user for not getting this. i do blame somebody like henri cursed-be-his-name bergson. just because it can be useful for certain purposes to think of them separately (like, say, graphing something's speed) does not make it valuable to talk about a pursuit like music in only one dimension or the other. like, the cubists were inspired by bergson; they show you bodies from more than one angle because they're trying to give a sense of duration--the ways you would see it at multiple moments as you move. this is supposed to be full of time instead of static and timeless like perspective. this is also horseshit. there is nothing less spatial about this! it has to do with the fact that the body you're looking at looks different from different angles, i.e. it has shape and directions! perspectival painting shows you actions and processes all the time! arguably it is more timeless to collapse multiple perspectives and moments into a single image! i'm not anti-cubism particularly, it's fine, i'm just saying, like: did anyone think this through actually.

similarly, if you want to use music to talk about the way time passes, how it's always going but does seem to have a present-duration--the present moment is not knife-edge thin--you can use literally any process that happens at a perceptible speed to do this. and you do not need to ignore that whatever it is also has spatial qualities. how would you even perceive time without motion or change in space? music is supposed to be one way. but i'm sorry! a) for practical reasons it simply is not without such motion/change (not even as a digital recording), and b) since time and space manifestly are united in perception, what help is it to try to separate them if you are a phenomenologist (bergson) rather than a (classical) physicist or engineer? henri what the fuck. this has always struck me as mainly a way to completely fail to appreciate music while also being obtuse about time. to speak of music as time only, no space, means divorcing it from the physical process of its production. this means it requires believing in absolute time--something that would pass and would happen even without anything to happen in it. which is just as wild as absolute space (space with a priori locations that would exist whether there was any matter to fill it or not). not even isaac newton, who invented both of them, thought this was something you could perceive or measure empirically. absolute space and time was to him a purely theological-mathematical idea, something that had to exist for the sake of certain premises but could never be experienced as such. your measurements will always be relative, not absolute. so absolute space and time are both bad for theorizing how anything affects us or is experienced--you know, like phenomenology? also fwiw the fact that absolute time can't capture the sensation of duration is still, like, a big problem in physics.

going back to that reblog where i explained that not everybody has always even had the concept of "space" like we do now, there is no empirical reason to believe absolute time or space exists. duration and extension are properties of physical processes (at varying levels of materiality). and many of those physical processes are not better explained but rather impoverished by trying to make them "happen in space and time" rather than things that give rise to spaces and timings. this is why the idea of music as pure time or purely in time leads to such absurd questions as "how can you slap your knee without up and down." it's stupid! it's snotty! but that's because the premise is bonkers!

so. whether theoretically or poetically, music is much more suited to discussion in terms of place. places have or are both space and time. in fact it is to some degree wrong to talk about place as "space and time" at all; rather we get the two separate concepts more by extrapolating from place, in which they are so fundamentally unified that not even a word like "spacetime" really captures it. that is partly what makes place difficult to theorize: places are too much like bodies, or like people, or like communities; you can't pull them apart into axes like "space" vs "time" and not lose what it is you're trying to theorize. (you can, e.g., track and analyze traffic patterns quite well this way, and that can be worth doing! but does that capture the place? does it explain what a place is? probably not. it's a different purpose.)

why were european cathedrals designed to have great acoustics? because those were places for the glorification of ~the divine, which was to be accomplished through both light and sound; both its spatial form (extension, hardness, size) and its nature as a ritual site (repetition, endurance); these qualities or capacities could not be separated. did the music not "decorate" the place just as much as the paintings, sculptures, architecture, stained glass? of course it did. we've all seen videos of somebody stopping in an archway or a big bathroom or whatever and singing; the place is further beautified by that because it is an interaction with the place, its spatiality, its acoustics, its textures, the way it looks, the fact that it invited the singer to sing--whether congruously (maybe a church) or incongruously (the aforementioned bathroom). just like your neighborhood has a distinct soundscape; just like a city has refrains. just like i remember stopping dead in the middle of the old city of damascus because three different calls to prayer had, intentionally or otherwise, overlapped to form a perfect major triad for a moment. i will remember that forever. and i will remember where i was when it happened too. (souq al hamidiyya.) that is part of the place. it happened because of the number of mosques and where they were located. and similarly what kind of sounds, or what kind of music, happens in which places has to do with the normative character of places. some sounds, some musics, "belong" some places and not others, because some actions are held to be appropriate there or not, or because they are or are not held to be characteristic. i'm not saying that's a good thing in itself. it's just the way it is. (and there are some places whose function is specifically to be open to all kinds of music, of course.) but i'm saying it leads to much more interesting questions with much more explanatory possibility. for example we could ask about characteristic rhythms or speeds of sounds in different places and what that means. or look at conflicts over what sounds "belong" or don't and to what degree that is justified in terms of time (time of day, pace of life, epochal ideas like what is or isn't "modern," etc).

tl; dr: explain to me the concept of an echo (which we use as a metaphor for having a strong experience of time quite a lot) using time and no space. explain to me how putting it in terms of time alone, even if you could, captures something that including space, or better, a simple narrative set in a place, does not. now explain to me why you would want to do either of those things.

#dieinct #space and place #time #music

[meyerlansky]

since I watched u play thru marble nest and you had all those withheld Thoughts and Opinions can I ask ur thoughts on one aspect of the story: the way everyone in town seems to disagree on what kind of person dankovsky is, what he wants to do, etc.? it feels to me like it's meaningful on a story and meta level that he's so built up by others to be whatever they want to see?

admittedly most of those went unsaid because i’m inarticulate as shit when i can’t write my thoughts out and i lost my train of thought talking to npcs, and also all of them basically just end in "godDAMN i love him"

BUT YES oh man i definitely agree, daniil is on the receiving end of a TON of projection and assumptions, and i think the thing is, he sort of... cultivates it? like artemy gets people's assumptions projected on him too, but he's MUCH more vocal about correcting it when someone's expectations of him don't match up with how he sees himself. daniil, on the other hand, tends to wear people's perceptions of him like a second skin, and doesn't push back nearly as hard or as often when those perceptions don't sync up. i will be nice to my dash and put my rambly bullshit under a cut, but tl;dr i think daniil finds value in finding out how people see him and utilizing that perception to get what he really wants, and he's willing to play the villain in particular because a. negative perception is as useful as positive perception if you're clever enough to use it to your advantage, and b. based on some stuff in artemy's route but especially based on the particular circumstances of marble nest, he thinks that, to some degree, he deserves to be thought badly of.

so i realized halfway through writing this you probably meant marble nest's story specifically, but i think it's relevant to his characterization in artemy's route too, because... marble nest daniil is not that different from artemy route daniil, as far as i'm concerned—he's just more desperate and more beaten down. as for the actual question, overall i get the vibe that daniil's used to leveraging how he's perceived to get what he needs out of a situation, and he's waaay more comfortable playing the villain than, say, artemy is, if that's what people are putting on him from jump. it's less work, right? correcting people's assumptions is a waste of valuable time and energy, and people are hard to convince once they've set their mind to something. why bother when you can just play along and, if you're clever enough about it, get what you need out of the interaction anyway? he gets built up into so many different versions of himself by different characters because he's willing to be different things to different people without it eroding his goals or his sense of self. he has a flair for the dramatic, obviously, but i don't know how much of it is innate and how much of it is cultivated in service of that kind of perception leveraging. like, prime example, the day 1 conversation with artemy reads as EXTREMELY performative—from his word choice to his demeanor to the exclamation points in the dialogue to the fucking LIGHTING, he comes off like he's playing a role, and not a new one. and when the conversation's over, he's learned some things about what kind of person artemy is, what kinds of things get a rise out of him, all without really revealing too much of his own hand. but the front sloughs off the closer he gets to artemy, and it sloughs off QUICK, to the point that A DAY AND A HALF LATER he's gone from saying "you owe me" in the most facetious way possible to "i need your help" and "if this goes badly, i'll take the consequences" completely unselfconsciously, and subsequent conversations with artemy are complete turnarounds from how he approaches artemy and their relationship on day 1. on the whole, i think he cares way less about his reputation than he does about Getting Shit Done, and he's surprisingly willing to be the scapegoat for other people's fears and other negative emotions, as long as the end result doesn't hamper his goals. which makes some sense considering his corpus of research involves spitting directly in the face of natural law and the people who consider themselves responsible for enforcing it. you don't do that kind of shit if you care about being well-liked. so i think 99% of the time, daniil gets read multiple ways—often incorrectly—because he finds more value in utilizing those perceptions than he finds in correcting them and Being Known. as far as characters we see in the game go, artemy's the exception, which might change once daniil's route is out, but every comment everyone else makes to artemy about daniil leans on their assumptions about him, which means he's not going around showing anyone else what he really thinks.

i also think daniil has sort of... internalized that he's Unlikable, on a personal level. he doesn't walk into a single situation in p2 expecting to be liked, or willingly helped, or for his presence to be wanted beyond the utility he can provide. he relies almost entirely on his ability to deliver solutions [with, uh, declining success as the game goes on], the respect his reputation and his status as the kains' guest confers, and on the rumor that he's willing to get violent if things don't go his way. i think he's utterly convinced his ultimate goals will benefit humanity as a whole and therefore are fundamentally good, but i don't think he thinks HE'S good. there's a couple of moments in marble nest where he can pretty explicitly shoot down people saying nice things about him, and the "i guess i had to prove them right" and "do you condemn me?" lines in the shelter convo do not read to me like the words of a man who thinks he's 100% in the right in the way he's gone about achieving his goals. so like as much as i think he does have a very solid sense of Who He Is, i don't think it's a very generous self-image, and i don't think it's entirely accurate either, because i do think he's fundamentally a good person, despite people [in the game and out of it] not really bothering to push past whatever front he's put on. artemy pushes through it, and the kids in marble nest push through it, and i think it's somewhat telling that the kids in marble nest are... the only real people IN marble nest. georgiy undermining his authority as soon as he's indisposed is part of the fever dream; the soldiers and orderlies believing he's the one giving the okay to kill kids and civilians are part of the fever dream; the clerk assuming daniil will agree with his racist bullshit is part of the fever dream. all these negative images of himself are in his head—based on previous conversations with the real people, but at the time of marble nest, in his head. they're all things he, somewhere in his mind, expects people to think of him or expect of him, and to me, that's not the kind of stuff someone as arrogant and convinced of his own awesomeness as people seem to think daniil is would think about himself. but the kids worrying about his health and taking care of him while he's infected are real, and for whatever reason they think he's worth trying to save. THAT'S the reality, THAT'S who he really is, even if he can't see it himself, and i don't think he can.

so ANYWAY i think the multiplicity of daniils in marble nest in particular is to some degree a manifestation of the fact that he IS willing to be different things to different people, that he knows this about himself, and that he has SOME level of anxiety over the thought of the various masks becoming the reality, and him losing control over who he ACTUALLY is, not just how he's perceived. i think this bothers him in artemy's route as well—the last thing he says to artemy translates to "the greatest power is to have power over oneself" and i do not think he's talking about himself. i think he's talking about artemy, and the fact that, ESPECIALLY from daniil's perspective in artemy's route, artemy very much controls not only his own narrative, but at the very least strongly influences daniil's and everyone else's too. [there are also layers and layers with that line and the doll narrative but i am too tired to get into it right now and also the doll narrative fucks my feelings up in so many ways.] i have no idea if any of this makes any sense, but here it is /gestures weakly at All This

#permian tropos #asks #pathologic #pathologic 2 #daniil dankovsky #kara plays pathologic 2 #/SHRUGS #Daniil Liker On Main

[myonechicagoworld]

CHICAGO FIRE – VIRAL (S01E16)

                                            [keys clinking]

Matt Casey: Thanks, mom.

Nancy Casey: Matt…

Matt Casey: I’ll see you tomorrow morning. We can… talk then.

Nancy Casey: Oh, oh, oh, jeez.

Matt Casey: Mom, why are you hiding from your parole officer?

Nancy Casey: [sighs] I went out last night. If she tests me, I won’t

                        pass. Just please get rid of her

Matt Casey: [stammers]

                                    [sharp knocks at door]

Matt Casey: Ms. Kendrick.

Lady 1 (Kendrick): Hi, Matt. I’m here to check in on Nancy.

Matt Casey: Yeah, you just missed her. She’s out for a walk.

Lady 1 (Kendrick): I can wait.

Matt Casey: Um, my shift is about to start.

Lady 1 (Kendrick): Fine. Try later.

Matt Casey: Thank you.

                                            cutscene

Clarice: Leslie.

Leslie Shay: Ms. Larocque, so sorry. This is just how it is when I’m

                      on shift. My apologies.

Clarice: Um, look…

                                      [kissing sound]

Clarice: Daniel’s rejected her offer. He wants full custody.

Leslie Shay: I thought you said he’d take the deal.

Lady 2 (Ms. Larocque): It was a good deal, but the father has a

                                        strong case.

Leslie Shay: Does he?

Lady 2 (Ms. Larocque): Let’s look at it from his lawyer’s

                                        perspective. We’ve got a switch-hitter

                                        who married a man, conceived a child

                                        with him, then left him, and took the

                                        child to go live with her former lesbian

                                        lover, a woman with a time-

                                        consuming and very hazardous

                                        occupation.

Leslie Shay: Oh, come on.

Lady 2 (Ms. Larocque): I’m just looking for ways to normalise this

                                        scenario as much as possible.

Leslie Shay: Normalise?

Lady 2 (Ms. Larocque): For instance, you two shacking up with a

                                        skirt-chasing firefighter is not helping our

                                        cause.

Clarice: I-I was just trying to tell her how Kelly has been so helpful.

Lady 2 (Ms. Larocque): Ladies, you want me to convince a judge

                                        that you’re serious about being a family?

                                        Then you need to get Clarice and this

                                        baby into a warm, loving, nurturing, and

                                        yes, normal home.

Clarice: [sighs]

Leslie Shay: Okay. We’ll get our own place.

                                 [station alert buzzes & blares]

                                  [siren wails and horn honks]

Chief Boden: (over radio) All companies be aware, we have a

                        lightweight truss construction heavy structure fire

Victim 1: I can’t get down the stairs. It’s too hot.

Chief Boden: All companies, third-floor rescue. Casey, get me two

                       ladders.

Matt Casey: Got it.

                                         [indistinct chatter]

Matt Casey: Keep it flowing. Herrmann, Mills, Cruz, up the second 

                      ladder

                      [grunts]

                      Gotcha.

Peter Mills: Come on, I got you, man. All right?

                    You’re doing good, man.

Victim 2 (Girl/Child): [coughs]

Leslie Shay: That’s it sweetheart.

Peter Mills: Good job, man.

Victim 1 (Dad): [coughing]

Peter Mills: Okay?

Victim 1 (Dad): Yeah.

Victim 2 (Girl/Child): What about Hudson? You have to get him.

Victim 1 (Man): The dog.

Victim 2 (Girl/Child): Hudson! Hudson!

Matt Casey: Cruz!

Mouch: Stay put, Cruz.

Joe Cruz: Wait a minute! I can hear him.

                 Come here, boy!

Chief Boden: Cruz, get out of there!

Matt Casey: Cruz! Cruz!

Joe Cruz: [grunts]

                  Hudson!

                  Hudson!

                  Where are you, boy?

                                            [dog barking]

                                               [creaking]

                                            [dog barking]

Christopher Herrmann: Come here, come on.

Joe Cruz: Aah!

Matt Casey: (into radio) Man down! (over radio) Man down!

Mouch: I’m going.

                                    [Pass alarm beeping]                                                - title -

                                    [pass alarm beeping]

Matt Casey: Cruz, call out!

                     Cruz!

                                     [beeping continues]

Matt Casey: Hey, Cruz.

                     Cruz!

Mouch: You okay, buddy?

Joe Cruz: Uh, yeah, yeah, I think so.

Matt Casey: All right. We got to move.

Joe Cruz: [groans]

                                            [creaking]

                                   [indistinct shouting]

Matt Casey: Mouch!

Joe Cruz: Mouch! Mouch! Mouch!

Mouch: I’m okay.

Joe Cruz: Mouch!

Matt Casey: This way! Watch your feet!

Joe Cruz: Watch your feet! Gotcha!

                 Let’s go!

Mouch: [panting]

                                [indistinct background chatter]

Gabby Dawson: Mouch, you okay?

Mouch: Yeah.

Joe Cruz: Are you sure, man? Let ‘em check you out.

Mouch: I’m fine.

Gabby Dawson: Hey, Casey, how about you? You all right?

Matt Casey: Yeah.

Leslie Shay: You got a second-degree burn here.

Chief Boden: Take him to the hospital.

Joe Cruz: It’s nothing, Chief.

Chief Boden: Take him to the hospital.

Victim 2 (Girl/Child): You okay? Good boy.

Christopher Herrmann: Cruz is out of control.

                                                cutscene

                                           [dog growling]

                                        [back up beeping]

Kelly Severide: Hey, Whaley, any new updates on Renee?

Eric Whaley: She’s okay physically. They’re going to keep her on a

                       72-hour hold.

                       Psychiatric observation.

Kelly Severide: Did you talk to her?

Eric Whaley: She wouldn’t see me.

                      I, uh, I don’t know what to do.

                                              cutscene

Matt Casey: Thank you.

Gabby Dawson: Hey.

Matt Casey: Hey.

Gabby Dawson: How long are you going to freeze me out?

Matt Casey: I’m not freezing you out.

                     I gotta talk to Boden.

Gabby Dawson: Yeah, sure.

Matt Casey: Cruz is still in the ER. He’s telling doctors he wants to

                      come back and finish his shift.

Chief Boden: Did you happen to notice if Cruz’s bunker gear had a

                       cape sewn into it?

Matt Casey: No, Chief. It definitely does not.

Chief Boden: Then please dissuade your man of the notion that he

                        is invincible.

Matt Casey: Sure.

Otis Zvonecek: (recording) And that’s how our fellow firefighter was

                           saved today.

                           56 hits in less than an hour. Just tell me this thing’s

                           not going to go viral.

Gabby Dawson: Glad to see Mouch’s near-death experience can

                            help drive traffic to your podcast.

Otis Zvonecek: The whole point of the podcast is to show people

                           what we really do.

Christopher Herrmann: You’re supposed to be looking up how-to

                                         videos on taping drywall.

Otis Zvonecek: All right.

Christopher Herrmann: We got to get back to fixing up the

                                         Bombadier, all right. We’re behind

                                         schedule.

Gabby Dawson: Oh, stop calling it the Bombadier. That name has

                            poisoned the well with the locals. We gotta…

                            re-christen it something else.

Otis Zvonecek: May I propose… Moustache Pete’s?

Gabby Dawson: No, you may not. We need something simple. 

                            A single,  evocative word like, uh, Solstice or

                            Perception or uh…

Otis Zvonecek: Pretentious? Or we could call it something fun like

                           Moustache Pete’s.

Christopher Herrmann: You can name it ‘out of business’ if we

                                         don’t get back on schedule.

Otis Zvonecek: Okay, okay, here we go. How to tape drywall, part 1

                           of… 15.

                           Gee, you know who I bet’s really good at drywall?

                           Casey. Too bad somebody got on his bad side by

                           fraternising with one Detective Voight.

Leslie Shay: Hey, uh, listen, I need…

Kelly Severide: Hey, have I thanked you lately for opening your trap

                           about Renee? Because she’s currently in a psych

                           ward.

Leslie Shay: Kelly, she needs help. How fun do you think this is for

                      her?

Kelly Severide: Yeah. What did you want to talk about?

                                 [station alert buzzes & blares]

(Over PA): Ambulance 61…

Leslie Shay: Tell you later.

(Over PA): Person down, Michigan and Upper Wacker.

Kelly Severide: [sighs]

                                                   cutscene

Matt Casey: Hey, Christie.

                                               [door closes]

Matt Casey: I have a new proposal regarding mom. Give me a call

                     when you can. Bye.

                     Hey, Mouch. You okay?

Mouch: I came to you a while back, about Cruz… how there’s

              something off about him, and you told me to shut up.

Matt Casey: In so many words, I guess.

Mouch: So are you still in charge of our truck, or do I have to go

              around you and talk to Boden?

                                                cutscene

                                       [ambo door closes]

Gabby Dawson: Watching you and Kelly move back in and out of

                            that place is like watching a ping-pong match.

Leslie Shay: [chuckles] I know, I get it. I just hope he understands.

Lady 3 (Good Samaritan): I tried to get him to come inside a store,

                                            but he won’t move.

Gabby Dawson: Hey, it’s too cold for you to be out here, hun.

                            What’s your name?

Man 1: Mick.

Gabby Dawson: Mick, can you stand up?

                            You think you can walk over to that ambulance?

Leslie Shay: Come on, Mick.

Gabby Dawson: Oh, yeah. We got you.

                            Whoa, 70 over 50. What are you on?

Man 1 (Mick): [grunts]

Gabby Dawson: [chuckles] Okay, fine. It looks like you might be

                            suffering from exposure, so we’re going to get

                            you to the hospital, all right?

Man 1 (Mick): No.

Gabby Dawson: Yeah.

Leslie Shay: It’s nice and warm at the hospital, Mick. You’ll like it.

                      Lots of pretty nurses.

Man 1 (Mick): Prettier than you two?

Leslie Shay: Come on, be realistic.

Gabby Dawson: Hey. Don’t worry about Severide. He’ll totally

                            understand why you need to move out.

Leslie Shay: I know, it’s just… after all the drama, it just sucks

                      having a lawyer make decisions about your living

                      situation.

                      Okay, Mick, just a little pinch.

Man 1 (Mick): [grunts]

Leslie Shay: Ahh! [pants]

                                          [curtains drawing]

ER Doctor: We’ll keep trying to convince him to consent to a blood

                    draw, but we can’t force him to. And unless he does,

                    we can only guess at what transmittable diseases he’s

                    carrying.

Gabby Dawson: And judging from this cocktail of antivirals, you

                            must think this guy’s a walking petri dish.

ER Doctor: Hep-B’s always a big risk. Also Hep-C. The interferon

                    therapy should protect you against those, but given the

                    tracks on his arms and symptoms, I think we need to 

                    treat you as though you’ve been exposed to HIV.

Leslie Shay: How soon can we test for HIV?

ER Doctor: Not for three months after exposure.

                    Here’s the first one.

Leslie Shay: [exhales]

Gabby Dawson: Hey, you’re going to be fine. The statistics are way

                            in your favour.

Leslie Shay: I mean, it’s like Russian roulette. Large bore needle

                     filled with this guy’s blood. If he has the hiccups, I’m

                     going to catch ‘em.

                                                  cutscene

                                           [tv in background]

Peter Mills: Hey, uh, Lieutenant, I was hoping to ask you a question.

                    Um, I was looking at the list of up and coming classes

                    at the academy, and I’m… I’m trying to figure out which

                    ones to take to, if possible, make a move to Squad?

Kelly Severide: Let me eat my cornflakes first.

Peter Mills: Yeah. Yeah, sure.

Chief Boden: We can finish the exposure paperwork later.

                        Don’t worry, Shay, you’re getting the best care

                        available.

Leslie Shay: Thanks, Chief.

Kelly Severide: What’s wrong with her?

Gabby Dawson: Needle stick.

Mouch: Ugh. Was he sick?

Gabby Dawson: Yellow, track marks, and he didn’t agree to a blood

                            panel.

Peter Mills: You okay?

Gabby Dawson: I just want this shift to end. Casey hates me, now

                            my partner gets stuck.

Peter Mills: Casey?

Gabby Dawson: Yeah, forget it. It’s fine.

Peter Mills: Screw him. He doesn’t understand you, it’s his problem.

Gabby Dawson: Yeah. Yeah, thanks, Mills.

                                           cutscene

Leslie Shay: Even if it’s just Hep-C, it’s, you know, 80% of infections

                      are chronic, and um, I’d be on disability for months,

                      and if Daniel’s lawyer finds out… [lightly sobs]

Kelly Severide: You’re getting ahead of yourself.

Leslie Shay: [sighs]

Kelly Severide: Wait for the test to come back.

Leslie Shay: Yeah.

                      [sighs] Um… the lawyer said that living with you isn’t

                      normal  enough [voice breaking] So I have to move

                      out. I’m sorry.

Kelly Severide: You do whatever it takes to keep you, Clarice and

                           that baby together.

Leslie Shay: Yeah. Thanks.

                                              cutscene

                                      [tv in background]

Joe Cruz: Hey, Mouch.

Mouch: How’s the arm?

Joe Cruz: Burned but fine.

                 Hey, man, I wanted to thank you again.

Mouch: It’s in the job description, right?

Joe Cruz: Yeah.

                  Hey, also, I think I owe you an apology.

                  [sighs]

                                             cutscene

                                       [knocks on door]

                                           [door shuts]

Gabby Dawson: [sighs] I realise you may not understand why I went

                            to Voight. 

                            I didn’t have another choice, and it made all the

                            difference in Antonio’s case.

Matt Casey: He threatened me and my fiancé.

Gabby Dawson: He saved my brother, Casey.

                                           [knock on door]

Mouch: Cruz is back, in case you’re interested.

                                              [door closes]

Joe Cruz: I screwed up, Lieutenant. It won’t happen again, believe

                 me.

Matt Casey: I tried that once already. When you told me you could

                      live with your sins, that turned out to be a lie.

Joe Cruz: Lieutenant, you got to believe…

Matt Casey: This is not a conversation! If you’ve come to hate

                      yourself, if you’ve decided that you don’t deserve to

                      live, well, that’s your problem. Do you wanna stand

                      at the ceremony where we pin Mouch’s badge next

                      to Darden’s because he burned to death trying to

                      save someone who’s already dead inside? If your

                      badge isn’t on Boden’s desk by next shift, I’ll go to

                      the police about Flaco. It’ll mean the end of my

                      career too. But hey, I’ll pound nails for a living.

                      What I can’t do is stand by and watch you

                      endanger one more of my men.

                                               [somber music]

                                                   cutscene

Lady 4 (Real Estate Agent): The kitchen’s just being redone. New

                                               cabinets, new appliances, laundry 

                                               hook-ups are right over there.

Leslie Shay: Okay.

                      Um… school wise, uh, I know Wesley’s young, but…

Lady 4 (Real Estate Agent): Oh, it’s never too early to think about

                                               that. We’re in the very desirable Bell

                                                elementary school district. But I

                                                have to be honest with you. I’ve

                                                got a lot of people interested in

                                                this unit.

Leslie Shay: Okay, can you just give us, like, a second?

Lady 4 (Real Estate Agent): Sure.

Leslie Shay: Thank you.

Clarice: Uh, okay. Thank you.

              So the uh, the lawyer says that Daniel’s attorneys could find

              out about the needle stick during discovery.

Leslie Shay: Look, Daniel’s lawyer can say whatever he wants.

                      What that judge is going to see is a family ready to

                      provide Wesley with a warm and loving home… in

                      a very desirable school district.

Clarice: You’re right [chuckles lightly]

               I’m sorry.

               We’ll take it.

                                             cutscene

                                             [buzzer]

Kelly Severide: [sniffs]

Renee Whaley: [clears throat]

                          [scoffs]

                                         [door closes]

Renee Whaley: What, you expected a straitjacket?

                          Why are you here exactly?

Kelly Severide: Because your brother asked me to come.

Renee Whaley: Poor Eric. He thinks he’s finally cracked the puzzle 

                           that is Renee.

                           All this nonsense about me sleeping with Dean.

Kelly Severide: I’m not here to argue about that.

Renee Whaley: Oh, right, because as my life turned to ashes, you

                          just coasted on and forgot all about me.

Kelly Severide: You don’t know anything about my life.

Renee Whaley: [scoffs] I know that Kelly Severide is doing just fine.

                          We’re done. Take me back.

                          Open the door.

Kelly Severide: Renee.

                                         [keypad beeping]

                                               [buzzer]

                                            [door closes]

                                               cutscene

Otis Zvonecek: Dawson, you have absolutely no idea what you’re

                           doing, huh?

Gabby Dawson: What are you talking about?

Otis Zvonecek: Call Casey.

                           [sighs]

                                         [metal clanging]

                                    [wall plaster dropping]

Christopher Herrmann: What the hell?

                       [metal clangs & wall plaster dropping]

Otis Zvonecek: Whoa.

Christopher Herrmann: Stephanidies didn’t say anything about a

                                         safe.

Gabby Dawson: What do you think’s inside?

Christopher Herrmann: Nothing good. My luck don’t run that way.

                                              [metal clangs]

Otis Zvonecek: Well, let’s open it and find out. Worst-case scenario,

                           it’s empty.

Christopher Herrmann: What if it contains a decomposed head of

                                         some gangster that went missing in the

                                         ‘20s? Next thing you know, this bar gets

                                         wrapped in crime scene tape, and we

                                         can’t get back in here.

Otis Zvonecek: If there’s a mobster’s head in there, Moustache

                           Pete’s gonna be famous.

Gabby Dawson: We’re not calling it Moustache Pete’s.

Otis Zvonecek: Yes we are.

Christopher Herrmann: Forget it. That safe is bad news.

                                         Look out.

Gabby Dawson: Hey Herrmann!

                                                   cutscene

Matt Casey: Each week my shift moves up a day. Tuesday and

                      Friday this week, Monday and Thursday next

                      week. I’ve drawn up a list of house rules that

                      mom would have to agree to. Uh, curfews, when

                      she can have visitors. You can add whatever you

                      want to the list.

Christie: Matt, no.

Matt Casey: Christie, I need you. Please, at least on the days I’m on

                      shift.

Christie: Will I have to learn how to lie to her parole officer too?

                                         [chair slides back]

Christie: Mom.

Nancy Casey: Christie.

                        You look wonderful.

                        Wow, you realise this is the first time we’ve all been

                        together as a family in, like, 15 years?

Matt Casey: Yeah.

Nancy Casey: I guess the real purpose of this meeting is to [sniffs]

                        discuss the mom problem.

Christie: Okay, fine. I’ll talk to Jim.

Matt Casey: Okay. Now let’s eat.

                      The chicken sandwich is great, by the way.

Christie: I’m a vegan [clears throat]

Matt Casey: Since when?

Christie: [scoffs] Going on ten years, Matt.

Matt Casey: I did not know that. I… wow.

                     Is that like a vegetarian, or is it the eggs thing? You

                     can’t eat anything?

Christie: Oh my gosh.

Matt Casey: What?

Christie: Do I seriously have to explain this to you?

Matt Casey: What? No, that’s fine.

                                          cutscene

                                     [knock on door]

Kelly Severide: Hey, did you get my message?

Eric Whaley: Yeah. What did she say?

Kelly Severide: Nothing that matters. She’s angry.

Eric Whaley: At me?

Kelly Severide: At me. At… at… at everything.

                          Look, I-I’m sorry, but all this was against my better

                          judgement, and now she’s spinning out, so…

Eric Whaley: No, I get it. I get it. Thanks, Kelly.

                      This is, uh, it’s my last shift at 51. I’m glad we got the

                       chance to work together.

                                          [door shuts]

                                            cutscene

Mouch: Is Cruz gonna grace us with his presence today?

Matt Casey: I don’t know.

Mouch: You talk to him?

Matt Casey: I did.

Mouch: How’d that talk go?

Matt Casey: Don’t worry about it, Mouch. I talked to him. That’s all

                      you need to know.

                                      [locker door shuts]

                                              cutscene

Priest: “You brood of vipers, who warned you to flee from the

              coming wrath? Produce good fruit as evidence of your

              repentance. Even now, the axe lies at the root of the

              trees. Therefore, every tree, which does not bear good

              fruit will be cut down and thrown into the fire. I am

              baptising you with water for repentance, but the one

              who is coming after me is mightier than I. I am not

              worthy to carry his sandals. He will baptise you with

              the Holy Spirit and fire. And do not presume to say

              to yourselves, ‘we have Abraham as our father.’”

Child 1: Look, mom, a fireman.

Priest: “And raise up children to Abraham with these stones. Then

             Jesus came from Galilee to John at the Jordan to be

             baptised by him. John tried to prevent him, saying, ‘I need

             to be baptised by you, and yet you come to me?’ Jesus

             said to him… [continues speaking in background]

                                            cutscene

Otis Zvonecek: I read the whole thing, front to back. There’s no

                           codicil in this deed about any safe.

Gabby Dawson: We bought the bar, lockstock, and barrel. That

                            means the safe rightly belongs to you, me and

                            Otis.

Otis Zvonecek: Along with whatever’s inside. Whether it’s an old

                          stamp  collection or bearer bonds or, gold

                          doubloons.

Gabby Dawson: You’re outvoted Herrmann, two to one.

Christopher Herrmann: We didn’t buy that bar hoping to find

                                        buried treasure. We bought it as an

                                        honest investment. And for the first

                                        time in my life, I feel like I’m onto

                                        something good and real. Now

                                        whatever is in that safe, somebody

                                        put it in there and locked it away for

                                        a reason. Why don’t we leave it alone

                                        and get on with our plan?

Gabby Dawson: Yeah, we’re gonna open the safe.

Otis Zvonecek: Seconded.

                                   [station alert buzzes & blares]

(Over PA): Truck 81, Ambulance 61, Battalion 25. Bomb squad

                  assist, Wrightwood and Jesse.

Dispatcher: (over radio) CPD be advised, divert all traffic. Bomb

                     disposal unit on site in Lincoln Square.

Peter Mills: So what exactly is our role in a bomb squad assist?

Christopher Herrmann: Nothing. Not unless the bomb tech snips

                                         the wrong wire.

Matt Casey: What’s the story, Chief?

Chief Boden: A tenant committed suicide in his car around back,

                       shot himself in the head. But the police are suspect

                       because the deceased was turned down four times

                       by the CPD, and there is a gasoline smell coming

                       from the inside.

Man 2 (Bomb Tech Squad Lt): Zoom in.

                                                   Our mast camera confirmed the

                                                   place is wired.

Man 3 (Bomb Tech): We should cut our way in.

Kelly Severide: We have access to the apartment above?

                                         [whirring]

Man 3 (Bomb Tech): That’ll do it.

Kelly Severide: Great, we’ll get out of your way.

                             [indistinct radio chatter]

Man 3 (Bomb Tech): Whoa. There’s a woman down there.

                                [suspenseful music]

Leslie Shay: The neighbour say it’s his ex-wife.

Man 2 (Bomb Tech Squad Lt): My guy will go in and see if it’s

                                                   secure and your guys can bring

                                                   her out.

Chief Boden: (into radio) Severide, you sure you want (over radio) to

                        do this?

Kelly Severide: (into radio) We’re here, right? (over radio) Gonna

                           need a jump bag, though.

Chief Boden: (into radio) Copy that.

Kelly Severide: All right. Okay.

Man 3 (Bomb Tech): Carpet’s wet. Gasoline.

                                   She’s been stabbed. Come on down.

Kelly Severide: (into radio) Dawson, Shay, she’s got a steak knife

                          stuck in her abdomen.

Gabby Dawson: (into radio) Pulse?

Kelly Severide: (over radio) Weak.

                          Hey, can you get us out that door?

Man 3 (Bomb Tech): There’s quick, and there’s safe. Which do you

                                   want?

Kelly Severide: I wanna save this woman’s life.

Man 3 (Bomb Tech): Huh.

Kelly Severide: Huh?”W-What huh?

Man 3 (Bomb Tech): A small incendiary device set to spark the

                                   gasoline. This’ll take a few minutes to

                                   disarm.

Kelly Severide: She doesn’t have a few minutes.

Man 3 (Bomb Tech): I got two more wires splitting here. It’s wired

                                   here too. Headed… Here we go.

                                   I got at least 5 pounds of mixed ammonium

                                   nitrate. Well that plus the gasoline is a

                                   fertiliser bomb.

Kelly Severide: (into radio) Hey, Chief, (over radio) is everyone

                           back?

Chief Boden: (into radio) You just get yourself down here, Kelly.

Gabby Dawson: (into radio) How’s she doing, Severide?

Kelly Severide: (into radio) Weaker.

Gabby Dawson: (over radio) How much blood’s on the floor?

Kelly Severide: (into radio) Uh, it’s not that much.

Gabby Dawson: (into radio) Then she’s bleeding internally. You

                            gotta move.

                            (over radio) Pack that knife, so it doesn’t shift when

                            you move her.

Kelly Severide: (over radio) Where the hell’s that jump bag?

                           (into radio) Whaley’s here.

Gabby Dawson: (over radio) Use all the gauze and tape he’s got to 

                            keep it secure.

Eric Whaley: Someone’s always got it worse.

Kelly Severide: Ain’t that right.

                          (over radio) Packing around the knife. Hey, we need

                          that door open now.

Man 3 (Bomb Tech): (over radio) Attempting to disarm the door.

Chief Boden: (into radio) Kelly. Kelly.

Man 3 (Bomb Tech): (over radio) We’re good. Door’s open.

Kelly Severide: (over radio) Woman’s coming out.

Eric Whaley: Who says engine only knows how to put out a fire?

                                                 cutscene

Matt Casey: Okay. I’ll talk to Boden.

                                                [door shuts]

Mouch: [sighs] What happened, Joe?

                                             [knocks on door]

Joe Cruz: I kicked in that door, convinced Leon was in there.

                 I even knew I was too late.

                 But it wasn’t Leon, it was Flaco.

Mouch: Dead. It was Flaco, and you were too late.

Joe Cruz: All I could think was, if I pulled him out of those flames, I

                  might as well throw Leon back in.

Mouch: Ah, you don’t know that.

Joe Cruz: I thought that God was just handing me the answer to my

                 problems.

                 But now I know it was the devil. I thought I could run from

                 him, non-stop. First one in, last one out [shaky breath]

                 And then I almost killed you. I could have killed Otis or

                 Herrmann or Casey, all because I’m weak [sobs]

                 But now I know… I’m the one that has to suffer, not you.

Mouch: Joe, I forgive you.

Joe Cruz: [sobbing] It’s not right for me to bring my sins into this

                 house and have my brothers sacrifice for what I did.

Mouch: Joe, listen to me. I forgive you.

Joe Cruz: [sobs]

                                      cutscene

Chief Boden: What can I do for you, Casey?

Mouch: Lieutenant! Can I have a minute?

Matt Casey: Now’s not a good time, Mouch.

Mouch: Yes, it is.

                                   [door closes]

Mouch: You don’t have to do this to him.

Matt Casey: There’s more to it that you know, Mouch.

Mouch: He told me everything. Now I don’t know if he was waiting

              for God or Flaco’s ghost or just somebody to say it, but

              he needed to know what he did was okay. He screwed

              up. He knows it. But he was taking care of his family.

              How far would you go for the ones you love? How far

              have you gone?

                                          [door closes]

                                             cutscene

Peter Mills: [chuckles]

                                         [phone rings]

Leslie Shay: Hello?

                      Yes, this is Leslie Shay.

                       He consented to a blood draw.

Gabby Dawson: That’s good isn’t it?

Leslie Shay: Mmhmm, mmhmm.

                      Okay, thank you.

                      He’s clean, he tested negative for everything [sigh of

                      relief]

                      Oh…

                                          [giggling]

                                          cutscene

                                           [buzzer]

                                        [door shuts]

Man 4 (Orderly): Good luck, Renee.

Renee Whaley: Yeah, thanks.

                           For real?

Kelly Severide: Come get in the car. There’s something we need to

                           see.

Renee Whaley: Go to hell.

Kelly Severide: You’ll full of it, you know that?

Renee Whaley: Oh I am, huh? Is that gonna get me into your car?

Kelly Severide: Ignore everything that’s real, go ahead.

Renee Whaley: Whatever.

Kelly Severide: Your brother was a hero today.

Renee Whaley: That is so low.

Kelly Severide: You stopped, didn’t you?

                           30 minutes. Then I take you anywhere you want to

                           go.

                                               cutscene

                                          [saw whirring]

                                        [metal clanging]

Gabby Dawson: [sighs] It’s just a box.

                            We never should have opened this.

                                        cutscene

                                   [car door shuts]

Matt Casey: Mom’s just getting her things.

Christie: Okay.

Matt Casey: Thanks for agreeing to this, Christie. I really think it’ll

                      work.

Christie: Yeah, well, tomorrow morning at 8:01, she’s all yours

                again.

Matt Casey: Understood.

Christie: Friend of yours?

Matt Casey: Nope

Nancy Casey: That’s Cheyenne.

Matt Casey: Your old cellmate?

Nancy Casey: Yeah.

                         You two gave me back my freedom, but I don’t want

                          to be your problem anymore. So I’m gonna go stay

                          with Cheyenne until I figure out what’s next.

Matt Casey: Mom, I don’t think your PO is going…

Nancy Casey: Aww, don’t worry I’ll sort things out with Kendrick.

                        But I’m not gonna be the wedge that drives you two

                        apart anymore.

                        Oh, be a brother and sister again, okay? You know,

                        be there for each other.

                        Hey, how’s it going?

Lady 5 (Cheyenne): Hi.

                                        [car door shuts]

                                            cutscene

Lady 4 (Real Estate Agent): Are we gonna sign the lease or not?

Leslie Shay: Yes, we are. We definitely are, I’m sorry. I can’t get a

                       hold of her. Um…

                       Oh, hey.

Clarice: Hey.

Leslie Shay: Did you get my message?

Clarice: Yeah, that’s, uh… great news.

Leslie Shay: We should sign the lease.

Clarice: Uh, actually, would you mind giving us a second?

              So, um… Daniel offered to settle. You know, split custody, I

              mean, if I move to New York with the baby.

Leslie Shay: Good, that’s great. He blinked.

Clarice: I took the deal

Leslie Shay: What?

Clarice: I just, I can’t keep fighting him anymore, Les. So I’m gonna

              go to, uh, I’m gonna go to New York.

Leslie Shay: No, Clarice. Just stand up to him. We can win this.

Clarice: I’m leaving tonight.

              Shay…

                                           cutscene

                                    [engine rumbling]

Renee Whaley: Okay, I get it.

Kelly Severide: Come on.

                                  [car door shuts]

Renee Whaley: [scoffs]

                          [huffs]

Kelly Severide: It’s quieter than I remember.

Renee Whaley: Please don’t.

Kelly Severide: You’re the one who said life never looked simpler

                           than it did from right here.

Renee Whaley: Well, that was crap. Sometimes a view is just a

                           view. [exhales]

Kelly Severide: You know, I never had anything close to a real

                           relationship since you.

Renee Whaley: Really?

Kelly Severide: One girl I liked… really liked… but she left. Or I let

                          her leave. I should have made it work, but

                          sometimes, it’s easier just to let things fall apart.

Renee Whaley: I slept with Dean.

                          And now I see you, and I see my family. And all I can

                          see is what I lost.

Kelly Severide: Sometimes a view is just a view.

Renee Whaley: [chuckles]

                          [sniffles]

Kelly Severide: I’ve missed you.

Renee Whaley: I figured you hated me.

Kelly Severide: Oh I did.

                          But not anymore.

                                        [engine revving]

                                          [door closes]

                                        [car door closes]

                                          [engine starts]

                                                - end -

Definitions:

Skirt-chasing = A man with amorous intentions who habitually seeks our female companionship

Lightweight truss construction = Consists of top and bottom members that run parallel. These are referred to as chords and are made of wood. These chords are cross – connected for support by wood that forms a web like pattern. The wood members are connected together with a fastener made of stamped sheet metal containing spikes

Hep-B = Hepatitis B is an infection of the liver caused by a virus that’s spread through blood and body fluids. It often does not cause any obvious symptoms in adults, and typically passes in a few months without treatment. But in children, it often persists for years and may eventually cause serious liver damage

Hep-C = Hepatitis C is an infectious disease caused by the hepatitis C virus (HCV) that primarily affects the liver; it is a type of viral hepatitis. During the initial infection, people often have mild or no symptoms. Occasionally, a fever, dark urine, abdominal pain and yellow tinged skin occurs. Hepatitis C can usually be treated with antiviral medicines. These need to be taken for several weeks. You can catch Hepatitis C from contact with blood of an infected person, such as sharing needles. It’s very rare to catch it from having sex.

Interferon therapy = It is a possible treatment for a number of different types of cancer. It is also used to treat conditions other than cancer including Hepatitis B and Hepatitis C

HIV = Human Immunodeficiency Virus (HIV) is a virus that damages the cells in your immune system and weakens your ability to fight everyday infections and disease. HIV can be transmitted from 1 person to another. There’s currently no cure for HIV, but there are very effective drug treatments that enable most people with the virus to live a long and healthy life.

Codicil = An addition or supplement that explains, modifies, or revokes a will or part of one.

Ammonium nitrate = Is a chemical compound with the chemical formula NH4NO3. It is a white crystalline solid consisting of ammonium and nitrate. It is highly soluble in water and hygroscopic as a solid, although it does not form hydrates. It is predominantly used in agriculture as a high-nitrogen fertiliser. Ammonium nitrate, which is used in fertilisers and bomb making, is a salt made from ammonium and nitric acid, and is highly explosive. The more ammonium nitrate, the bigger its explosive capacity. Once a reaction is sparked, ammonium nitrate explodes violently.

PO = Probation officer

#Chicago Fire #Chicago fire department #One Chicago #chicago fire imagine #chicago fire script #chihard #chihards #matt casey #jesse spencer #Leslie Shay #Lauren German #chief boden #wallace boden #eamonn walker #peter mills #Charlie Barnett #mouch #christian stolte #joe cruz #joe minoso #Christopher Herrmann #david eigenberg #gabby dawson #Gabriela Dawson #Monica Raymund #Kelly Severide #taylor kinney #otis zvonecek #brian zvonecek #Yuri Sardarov

[seafleece]

veth, the mother (figure)

you know, maybe i should have known better than to think i could do anything but fully flesh out my veth meta for everyone before going to bed, because i meant to address how fast people are to defend veth and that’s, like, exactly what happened.

i think veth is incredibly interesting. i think she’s a character for whom you have to do a lot of digging to get at what she thinks and feels, and how that’s really different from what she actually expresses. i want to look at veth critically, and i’m not willing to sit and let people tell me that it means that i hate her or want to misrepresent her, because i don’t.

here’s the interesting thing about veth and showing maternal love: she does show maternal love. maternal love is shown towards the people she has decided are her children, and that’s the mighty nein and luc. but maternal love isn’t suddenly perfect because it’s maternal (and, not to mention, veth hasn’t spent all of luc’s life with him. not even half.) other than caleb, veth tends to act, especially with fjord and beau, the exact way that mothers are with older/adult kids: they don’t know how to show they care (this is compounded especially by the fact that she didn’t know them as young kids, and that she has to balance feeling maternal with being an equal to them in the group at times), and can end up hurting their kids a lot. veth admitting that she really does care about fjord stands out not just because of the scene they were in, but because it was the first time she did that. (it’s really interesting to me that a) she didn’t apologize, and b) she used strength as an excuse to call fjord weak. yes, it’s interesting rhetorically, but if veth is the established mother figure of the group, why would fjord absorb the idea that he’s strong if veth has continuously called him weak? how could he possibly be expected to extrapolate that from what veth’s said to him, and how can we expect that her re-framing every time she’s insulted him should be enough to make him feel better?) 

veth has been and continues, if a little less now, to be openly rude and hurtful to beau, and the instance where jester defended beau to her sticks out to me a lot for so many reasons. jester loves beau almost in the exact opposite way that veth loves beau, and i think it’s one of the biggest rifts in their relationship, especially because veth does the least to acknowledge how beau actually acts. veth calls beau abrasive-- she says beau is awful to talk to or look at--- but, you know, motherly love, right? and beau doesn’t argue. she just gets sad and angry, and lets jester defend her instead. that doesn’t really gel with what veth just called her, does it? and veth didn’t apologize to beau before the ritual, no, she specifically pointed to the fact that she appreciates beau protecting caleb. no apology for believing in beau the least. i think veth does care about beau a lot, i think they have an interesting mother-daughter dynamic in addition to their new dynamic as 2/3 of the chaos crew, and that veth really has the chance to explicitly care for beau the way beau’s parents didn’t, but boy howdy, she doesn’t take it too much, huh? how much have veth’s words, about beau not being pretty, about beau being rude, echoed what beau’s parents have said to her? that, i think, is why she feels the least comfortable pushing back against it. (more depressingly, it’s impossible to separate the way people in fanon just accept that the worst about beau must be true from the fact that she is a butch lesbian of color, and i wish there was any recognition for it. it’s really not cute. in character it sucks in an interesting and resolvable way if there’s acknowledgement that veth doesn’t understand beau and isn’t trying very hard and has the potential to do otherwise, but ooc it scares me. a lot.) things are easier between them now that she understands beau as incredibly important to jester, who she cares for in a different way, but they would not be close were it not for jester, and it doesn’t mean she’s apologized.

now, caleb. the line veth rides between seeing caleb as her son and being attracted to him is really fascinating (and, uh. really weird), and i think has to do with how veth views herself as either allowed or not allowed to experience attraction based on whether she’s nott or veth, but more on that in another post. as a mother figure, veth very notably doesn’t treat caleb as an older kid she doesn’t know how to connect to properly. she treats caleb as someone she needs to protect. caleb’s squishy, so it’s okay if she steals from other people to give him things that will help him, because he needs to be safe. it’s okay if other people get hurt if it means she’s keeping him safe. veth’s protectiveness of and love for caleb doesn’t provide an example of how loving she is to everyone. it’s an example of how much she can love a person, and what she’ll do when she does love someone to that extent. she loves jester in the same way, and what’s especially interesting is that this is what changes her perception of the people that jester or caleb are close to. essek’s nice and wonderful when he and caleb are getting along, but essek needs punishment now that he’s hurt caleb. (i already addressed this, but veth’s motivations for punishing essek aren’t, at least not primarily, because he committed war crimes, but because he put her and her kids in danger, because he obviously hurt caleb. she literally offered to keep the war going to isharnai, she offered to commit war crimes herself-- we cannot kid ourselves that her vitriol towards essek is somehow altruistic when this is the case). if caleb is veth’s kid, essek is the friend who came over for a playdate that now needs to go home because he pushed caleb over. beau, on the other hand, is a good example of what happens when veth does change her mind about someone because the person she feels protective of cares about them. chaos crew wouldn’t exist if jester wasn’t the glue connecting beau to nott, and nott’s eased off a lot in talking badly about beau because she knows jester loves beau, and it’s a combination of “beau can stay because jester wants her to” and “maybe jester can see something in beau that i haven’t, and maybe i should try to see it”. it gives me a lot of hope in how veth will come to view essek, but it’s not quite the same. moreover, veth has the potential to hurt caleb and jester the most by protecting them and pushing other people away or making certain decisions in order to do so-- she sees her drinking as something she needs to do to be on her guard, to be able to fight with the rest of them, and her long dialogue with jester about this and her eventual decision to try to break her habits is really indicative, to me, of how much she can change for the people she loves, but also how hard it will be for her. as for caleb, i think veth hurt caleb a lot by explicitly talking about how essek should be punished, because she loves caleb, and gets that caleb likes essek, but doesn’t realize the degree to which caleb sees himself as essek, and how her condemnation of essek can read like condemnation of caleb. i’m anticipating a conversation where caleb asks veth or otherwise mentions that if essek is a criminal who should be punished, why shouldn’t he, and i think he’ll get support in that from yasha, who clearly feels similar.

i don’t want to talk about veth as a character who can’t change-- i want to talk about veth as a character who hasn’t changed much because her goal this campaign until now hasn’t been to move forward, but to return, and some things she could let herself ascribe to the way she felt as nott but seem to have stubbornly persisted because they’re not things created in her by becoming nott, they’re things she actually thinks and feels. i think she’s a mother figure in the way that real people are mother figures: they mess up, they do wrong by their children in their attempts to do right, and it’s easy to devalue anyone who isn’t one of their children because their children need protecting first. veth’s maternal love isn’t an argument against her as a flawed character and as one whose view of punishment doesn’t quite fit with how she views her children. i’m of the opinion that it’s an argument for it.

#fleece.txt #critical role #cr spoilers #veth brenatto #nott the brave #cr meta #caleb widogast #jester lavorre #beauregard lionett #fjord stone #mothers can hurt their kids and still be mothers #in fact i would say it's part of the job #cr discourse

[blindprof]

It’s Complicated

When people first hear me say that I am blind or severely visually impaired (B/VI), the most common reaction is surprise…followed by sympathy…followed most often by awkward silence. This is totally understandable. Unless you are regularly interacting with differently abled people, disabilities are uncomfortable. I feel uncomfortable and awkward around people who live with other forms of disability.

Heck, I’m still awkward around other people who are B/VI. And even this is understandable. Because each person is unique. Each manifestation of visual impairment is unique. Each path to and with B/VI is unique. Each person has unique life experiences, coping mechanisms, support networks, etc. We are all strangers in a strange land. I’ll have other posts dedicated to the whack-a-doo personal and social psychology of B/VI. For now, the focus remains on the physical, or rather the perceptual.

The second reaction is usually a question: “How bad is it” or “What do you see?” And my answer is “It’s complicated.”

In my first post, I laid out some more technical details: I have a visual field that is less that 10 degrees, night blindness, color blindness, uncorrectable myopia, light sensitivity, etc. But it’s not apparent how these details really affect what I see and how that impacts what I can do. This post will go into greater detail into what and how I see. Later posts will focus on how I (try to, with varying levels of success, stupidity, and hilarity) cope with these limitations.

It probably makes sense to start with my visual field, as this is the aspect of my vision that “qualifies” me as legally blind. However, before getting to that, we really need a basic understanding of how humans see. Don’t worry, I’ll keep it short and simple.

It may be easiest to compare the eye to a modern digital camera. A camera lens gathers and focuses light; it also constrains the amount of light passing through by altering the size of a mechanical aperture. In the human eye, these functions are performed by the lens and the pupil, respectively. In a digital camera, the lens focus light onto a CCD or CMOS sensor, which is a dense grid of light sensitive “pixels,” each generating a small electrical charge proportional to how much light (within a certain wavelength) is hitting it. The human retina is the biological, electrochemical equivalent. Finally, a digital camera has wires that transport these electrical signals to a computer, which then interprets the signals to create a digital image. Here, the human analogues are the optic nerve and the visual cortex within the brain.

As I noted in my first post, I have Retinitis Pigmentosa (RP), which primarily impacts my retina. Due to the wonders of genetics and epigenetics, other parts are impacted. But for now, I’ll focus on the retina. Characteristically, people with RP find that their retinal “pixels”—millions of light-sensitive “rod” and “cone” structures, as well as protective retinal pigment epithelial (RPE) cells from which the disease gets its name—stop functioning from the outside in. We don’t know the exact cause, nor is there yet any proven way to slow, much less reverse the process.

Of course, this is a biological process that is unique to each individual. For me, it has progressed relatively slowly from childhood. I can recall early symptoms as far back as age 6. I’ll have a separate post at some point talking about progression. But it is notable the process is neither steady nor predictable. I’ll have periods of relative stability followed by periods of perceptible loss. It’s rarely like a light switch, but rather more like a dimmer. Each area of loss will appear darker with less usable information until it is just “clicked off” by the brain, presumably redirecting its limited processing resources to doing something other than trying to interpret shotty data from dying cells. For me, the progression has also been very spotty—for example, I retained some usable vision in the extremes of my left-right periphery until just a couple years ago, despite progressively losing most of my peripheral vision between there and my center.

The result today is that I have very little of my retina remaining that pretends to function “normally.” I can detect very high contrast light vs. dark in some of my periphery, but nothing there that you would qualify as usable sight. My central vision is still somewhat functional, but has been fading rapidly of late. As I said, it’s spotty, but on average in good light I have maybe 10-15 degrees total horizontal vision and less than 10 vertical. And much of that is probably equivalent to what most would consider to be peripheral vision. To help better “feel” what this means, here are a few examples of how this manifests itself in my day-to-day life.

When I’m sitting across a table from you, I can see your face but not your hands. If I’m not socially distant, I might be able to see your eyes or your mouth, but not both at the same time. I often creep people out during a conversation because I’m constantly losing eye contact and moving my eyes to different parts of their body. I promise, I’m not “undressing you with my eyes”—people talk with their entire bodies, and I’m simply trying to catch as many visual cues as possible.

When watching TV from 10 feet away, I can “see” my entire 55-inch screen. But less than a quarter of that is in my central vision. I have to move my eyes to see detail or read signs or captions. Sports and fast action scenes are difficult to catch. A fast action, dark scene with subtitles…oy…the Battle of Winterfell may as well have been a BBC Radio broadcast.

I can read, though usually only slowly and for short periods, especially if it is paper and ink. I see only a few words at a time, so my eyes have to constantly move. This causes a lot of eye strain, and I have trouble keeping both eyes properly oriented and occasionally have periods where one eye twitches uncontrollably—obviously I’m channeling my inner Mad-Eye Moody.

And of course, navigating unfamiliar or unpredictable environments is very difficult. I navigate by moving from waypoint to waypoint, and if I don’t know the waypoints or if things jump in my way, well, bad things happen. Or maybe funny things.

More on all of these and their many repercussions in future posts.

People ask, “What do you ‘see’ in the places where you have no vision? Is it blackness? Emptiness? Blurry?” Again, it’s complicated, but for the most part, my brain has just removed those areas from its visual processing “algorithm.” So, I see the same thing that you see when something is beyond your peripheral vision…just nothing. There are long periods of adjustment as I lose sight—kind of like losing a limb and still expecting it to be there. But eventually it’s just not a part of the picture that my brain paints of the world around me.

Unfortunately, that’s not all. Night blindness is often the first detected symptom for folks with RP. What is left of my retina doesn’t detect light well, so I need much more of it. The result is that I’m totally blind in low-light situations. I need direct light to see any kind of detail. I carry a flashlight everywhere I go and use it regularly day and night.

So, I need bright light. But it is also my nemesis. My eyes compensate like one would with a digital camera…by cranking open the aperture (pupil) and turning up the gain on the sensor. This does allow me to function semi-normally in certain situations. But it also results in severe light sensitivity. As with a camera, the wider pupil also results in loss of detail, and bright light can almost entirely wash any other visual information. To make matters even worse, although my pupils do function, they are VERY slow to adjust.

The results of all of that are varied. I’ll post more details in the future. But for example, I am no longer able to read a computer screen for any length of time without inverted colors. It’s like trying to read while staring at headlights. I truly need dark mode on all of my devices. Also, changing lighting conditions are challenging, especially when they are extreme. When I come in from outside, my eyes can take many minutes to adjust. And bright light sources like sunny windows in otherwise moderately lit environments can really cause havoc.

Finally, a common comorbidity with RP are cataracts, which cause hardening and blurring of the lens. Of course, this one hit me, as well. A number of years ago, I had cataract surgery. It was great. I was the youngest patient in the surgery center by like 30 years. The process involves using a magic wand to dissolve your natural lens and replacing it with a plastic one. This gets rid of the blurring, but entirely removes the ability to focus. As a bonus, I did go from needing coke bottle glasses to just needing a couple of diopters of correction. But this further complicates reading, and means I’m constantly donning and doffing my specs or having to look below them to read. Minor in the big scheme of things, but it does make me look and feel like a damn old fart.

Okay, if you made it this far, you deserve to be let off the hook for now. There’s more like the fact that my corneas—the eyes’ (usually) clear “lens caps”—now seem to cause my sight to remain blurry for the first couple of hours of each day. Or that the eye strain can sometimes get so physically painful that I have to close my eyes for long periods during the day. But this is a mostly complete and accurate snapshot of what I’m currently living with physically.

I guess I didn’t present too many funny or uplifting or forward-looking things in here. Truth is, you kind of have to muddle along with me through these sewers to eventually find the humor and hope in all of this. Because it’s complicated. But I’ll get there if you’re patient.

[boogiepilgrim]

Considering how much he hated his appearance, I'm surprised he kept the glasses and the tooth gap. It's easy to close up a gap if the surrounding teeth are straight, and contacts are a thing.

hi, dude. i appreciate you’re likely coming from an innocent and genuinely curious position, but . . .... ................... honestly i was not sure how to frame my response to this for the longest time. discussing things like this isn’t really what i want this blog’s focus to be. guessing how people feel, and discussing their appearance like this, isn’t something i like or feel comfortable doing in general. so yea this sort of topic isn’t really what i want to talk about here. i just kinda want this blog to be a nice, overall positive, collection of respect and love for elton john n a showcase of what he means 2 me / makes me feel. saying that, i felt i should reply to this one now to let all that b known... i’m still not sure how i wanna put this, so i’ll just start talking...

i mean, he’s talked before in old interviews about loving the fashion aspect of glasses. getting to match them with your outfit, how you feel that day, whatever.. also, before even NEEDING to wear glasses, he wore them anyway, because buddy holly was an idol who, of course, wore statement glasses; it made him feel cooler. he liked them. i know from my own experience, at least, wearing MY glasses which aren’t your regular glasses, makes me feel more confident at times, especially in public, bc it kind of feels like i’m wearing a visor, or goggles, something to hide behind, to some degree. and i think hes talked before, too, about liking them bc of similar reason. not having to look people in the eye, and vice versa. glasses can be and are made fun of. they’re stereotypically seen as gawky or like unattractive, but that’s down to, and ON, the individual who has that perception. i think they can and do hold a different meaning to the wearer, and that’s great. they can be fun!!! there is no shame in wearing glasses. even if they’re the most boring glasses in the world -- if you need em, you need em. in fact, just like he does now, a lot of people wear glasses simply FOR the fashion aspect, when their vision is FINE!! u know? he did wear contacts a fair bit over the years too, but i mean, glasses are also just so much simpler to slip on, too. glasses aren’t ugly is the bottom line. and as for his teeth, wow this one really doesn’t sit well with me. and by the way, i’m not directing any of what i say at you, there’s no like hostility or anything; i am just giving my own opinion openly, and anyone is welcome to tack on what they like, but ... talking about people’s teeth is such a huge no from me. how your teeth look can be SUCH a deep insecurity, and people bringing it up can be SO cutting. nobody’s teeth are really ugly. again, the idea is really down to, like, societal beauty standards.. which.... are constructed. if i see ANYONE grinning happily and their teeth aren’t perfectly straight, or they have a gap, or whatever, that’s simply not something that bothers me, personally. not my focus. it makes them them, and in turn that means their smile and teeth r beautiful. i have issues with how i feel about my own teeth, so i understand PERSONAL insecurity (brought on by other folks’ views), but i don’t feel like saying someone SHOULD get their teeth straightened is a nice or helpful thing. his teeth are fine; in fact i think he’s got nice lil teeth. they’re really cute. he’s obviously never done it because he never wanted to. and i’m glad of that. another thing, especially for singers, “fixing” their teeth can be a point of worry in case it affects or alters how they sing. anyway, in conclusion, elton john, just like every other soul on earth, didn’t and doesn’t need 2 change things about his physical appearance for the approval of others. i’m sure if he really wanted to, at any point, he would’ve.  i’m a huge fan of bowie also, though not in the same invested way, but i remember an interview where an interviewer referred to his unstraight teeth as “rotten.” and he replied with words to the effect of: “my teeth are crooked, not rotten.” which like YES KING, GET HIM, but he looked a bit offended too, and understandably so. and i’m pretty sure HE ended up getting them straightened eventually. i got mine straightened too, bc it made Me feel better. but nobody should feel like they have to is all i’m saying. i’ve seen a few articles over the years ask questions like this about elton. like, “why oh WHY doesn’t he get his teeth fixed, he’s got the money!!!!!” and it’s just like.... fuckyoufuckyoufuckyou! there’s nothing wrong w his teeth. the VERY bottom line here is that these things do not make us ugly, and if YOU are ok with them, if you LOVE them even, it doesnt matter what others think. fuck em, ur gorgeous

#ask #i love discussing things about him. ideas and stuff like that #i love a good complex deep discussion but.. #i dont mind delving into topics that arent positive im all for it but . not stuff like this

[itsclydebitches]

Why do you think it is people can't accept or view woman as abusive? Whether it's mothers, wifes, girlfriends, or just friends? Is it because men are usually the abusers in media and therefore accepted as the abusers in real life always? Do people out there really not think woman can be both physically or emotionally abusive to men in their lives just as men can be?

As with all of these topics there’s no one reason why such thinking comes about, but rather a complicated intersection of ideas, teachings, assumptions, personal experience, culture, etc. Part of it is that statistically men (in the US and UK anyway) are more likely to be the abuser and the media does reflect that, so some people tend to conflate “usually” with “always.” Even though those are obviously two distinct situations. Which is how you get antagonistic responses to those who advocate for men who suffer from abuse. Some see it as a means of drawing attention away from the ‘real’ problem of women victims, rather than acknowledging that both things exist simultaneously: a predominance of one gender being victims and the other gender facing a unique hurdle because of that predominance. When we teach - overtly or implicitly - that only women can be abused, we set up a scenario where men must first prove that what they’ve suffered can and does exist at all, let alone that they as an individual suffer from it. We see this with rape as well. Women must navigate a world that acknowledges that they can be raped, but tends to deny that it happened to her (she was asking for it, she should be grateful, etc.) Men, meanwhile, often hear that they simply can’t be raped, full stop. Because that’s something that only happens to women, because men always want sex, because a man could have put a stop to it, etc. And if this seems at all confusing, contradictory, complicated, and other difficult ‘c’ words, it’s because it is. Different genders who experience abuse simultaneously have commonalities that should inspire solidarity among the groups as well as individual circumstances that have to be taken into account. There is no one size fits all explanation here, which is precisely why intersectionality exists. 

Thinking about those individual factors though, gender norms absolutely come into play and feed those broader ideas about who can and cannot be abused. To put it simply, the concept of (toxic) masculinity does not provide room for men to be victims of abuse via women, simply because they are supposed to be inherently stronger and thus protected from assault. I experienced a perfect example of this bias while discussing Caroline Flack’s assault arrest. To be clear, we had almost no details about the case and were speaking very generally about abuse as a whole, rather than what actually happened between her and her boyfriend. This was also prior to her suicide, so take this as a conversation pretty much entirely removed from her specific situation. Basically though, the conversation revolved around the utter disbelief that a girlfriend could assault - let alone consistently abuse - a boyfriend. This person was grudgingly accepting of emotional abuse, but physical was off the table. After all, he’s a big strong guy and she’s so tiny. You’re telling me he can’t catch her arm when she goes to hit him? Or just hit her back? When I began to point out the problems in this thinking, the lack of understanding as to how abusers work, and begin to introduce the concept of victim blaming, they responded with, “I’m not blaming the victim, I’m blaming his inability to defend himself!” Which is a response that made me stare into an invisible camera like I was on The Office. Frustration aside, this conversation does a decent job of demonstrating the biases at work here: 1. Men are pretty much immune to abuse because abuse is almost entirely physical. 2. That immunity stems from clear-cut ideas about how man and women develop: he will be big and strong while she will be tiny and weak. 3. Abuse is not a complicated form of conditioning but a one time thing that anyone with the correct tools (strength) can stand up against: just stop her from hitting you. 4. If you somehow fail to stop her you can (and will instinctively want) to get revenge by hitting her back. That will demonstrate dominance and put an end to things. Problem solved. Obviously there is a lot to unpack there and that’s coming from a liberal, progressive, otherwise empathetic person. This kind of thinking runs deep. 

I want to emphasize that people get degrees in this, write books, spend their whole lives studying and working through such a nuanced subject... so a blog post response does not a perfect answer make lol. Nor does a BBC vid with a clickbait-y title, but experiments like this - simple as they are - can help to demonstrate that thinking: 

“My first thought was... he looked a bit soft... he looked a bit soft letting her hit him like that... I wouldn’t let a girl hit me.” 

“I think the man must have done something to the woman” 

There’s such a pervasive idea that men, as men, are the dominant gender that any evidence of abuse is automatically reframed as a) something he secretly enjoys, b) something he brought on himself, or c) proof that he’s not a “real” man and is defective for suffering from this. It’s a view that is perpetuated in fandom as well as real life. When Salem kills Ozpin it means he obviously did something to deserve it (trying to escape with the kids) because only guilty men suffer like that. When Yennefer takes control of or invades Geralt’s mind it means he secretly liked it because only weak men would stick around to suffer through something they were uncomfortable with - and Geralt is the opposite of weak. Then these stories - as stories written by an author who controls all events, responses, and outcomes - further paint these assumptions as correct: Ozpin is condemned as a horrible person (see, he deserved it!) and Geralt’s true love is shown to be Yennefer (see, he secretly doesn’t mind!) because these are characters who adhere to the whims of fallible authors. That doesn’t represent reality, but it can help perpetuate our perception of it. The author who fails to acknowledge a man’s abuse that they’ve written is no different from an author who fails to acknowledge a woman’s abuse that they’ve written. How the audience responds to those relationships, however, is very different. We’ve reached a point now where we can say stuff like, “Just because fictional Anastasia Steel has been written to think the way Christian Gray treats her is sexy and healthy doesn’t mean it is,” but we often fail to apply that same fiction/reality distinction for men. Instead, women abusers of all varieties - from genocidal Salem to “just” insults/threat of magical retribution Yennefer - are painted as badass or secret victims because the alternative would be acknowledging that men have the capability to be victims at all. Especially powerful men who (supposedly) have every means of defending themselves. 

As one woman in the video puts it, “the stereotype that women have less power than a man” is ingrained in our culture and it hurts men and genders not on the binary as well as women. It’s just that the damage to women is the most obvious and, as said, at times much more common. But that doesn’t mean these other impacts don’t exist. This is why feminism is inclusive and anyone who tells you it’s only for women hasn’t done much research. There’s a difference between people who may use such situations as a means of erasing all the shit women have to deal with (Men’s Rights™) and those who acknowledge that the limitations put on women and the abuse they suffer has the added concern of negatively impacting those around them. They’re baises that don’t help anyone. 

#abuse tw #suicide tw #rape tw #witcher #rwby #mymetas #Anonymous

[sctisfctions]

( emeraude toubia, 28, cis female, she/her ) Have you seen CARINA TORRERO around ? I hear they’re an ESCORT who can sometimes be GREEDY & IMPULSIVE. But I also heard they can be DETERMINED & ADAPTIVE if you catch them on a good day. They’re usually hanging around LA CASA DI MATEO in their spare time. I sure hope they’re alright ! ( mandy )

Hello all! I’m Mandy and this is my child, Carina Torrero She’s… a lot, so bless your soul for finding your way to this intro.

Full name: Carina Cecilia Torrero Nickname: Care, Cari, C.C. Age: 28 Nationality: Mexican and Lebanese  Religion: N/A City of birth: Laredo, Texas The current place for living: Chicago, IL Job title: Eden Escort Married? No Spoken Languages: Spanish, English Birthday: October 30th Does she own a home? Yes

B A C K G R O U N D : ( updated Feb. 25th, 2021 )

Carina is the baby of her family and has always was spoiled as such; showered in gifts. In the small town of Laredo, Texas, the Torrero family was known as the richest family in town. While it was rumored that there were some underground dealings going on in the family business, none of those were true. In fact, The Torreros prided themselves on being the purest and most righteous family in the region. Rev. Torrero owned and pastored a Mega Church that made millions of dollars every week, on top of people throwing money at her parents for their “good work”. But it meant nothing to Carina because she always felt like the church always came before her. Every time they were absent from her biggest life events, a gift was sent to make up for it. 

When Carina went to Drexel University to get her degree in fashion design and marketing, she planned on spending the first year goofing off and exploring what the world has to offer her. In a city like Philadelphia, it was easy to get lost in the hype of pre-game drinking sessions and post-game parties, getting sucked into hook-up culture and living as thought she’d never have a chance to touch this many people all at once. 

Getting out of college and moving back in with her family in Laredo was odd, at first, leaving the sweet life of sin behind and pretending to be the angel the town was so used to. Kidding, of course, she couldn’t leave it behind. She started doing modeling on the side and ended up getting commissioned for a huge gig with a very risqué magazine. Before the photoshoot even happened, word reached her parents church and the rumors spread like wildfire across the town. Her parents looked down on her with shame and disgrace. 

It felt all so overwhelming until she realized it’s all just Texas life. Outside of their region, no one even knows who her family is. She knew the only thing to do was to pack up her things, steal a couple million dollars from her parents ( which was barely a dent for them ), and move to Chicago where she could carry on a life of her own. Within a month of moving, she made friends with some people who worked at a club called Eden. They got her a job as an escort and, to this day, she’s been operating as a freelance designer by day and an escort by night. 

Family:

Sisters or brothers: One older brother and sister Wife or husband: N/A. Children: None. Other important persons: Roommate(s)

Physical Characteristics:

Addictions: control, power Bad Habits: acting only for the good of herself Color of Eyes: brown The color of Hair: black The color of Skin: tan Dialect: american accent Does the character drink regularly? always Does the character have any disabilities? no Does the character prefer any proverbs? “the most important thing is to enjoy your life and be happy” - audrey hepburn Does the character smoke? sometimes Good Habits: open-minded, forward thinking, tidy. Height: 5′3″ Hobbies: reading, working out, instagram, binge watching, skin care routines, healthy eating Is she wearing Glasses? no Is the character healthy or does he have any diseases? she’s healthy What’s the style of the character? (modern, outmoded): sporty and sexy. is almost always wearing a sports bra, leggings, and sneakers.

Mental Characteristics

Education: Bachelor’s Degree in Fashion Design and Marketing Intelligent or not? smart enough. she picks things up quickly. Fears: being misunderstood, spiders Life Goals (next 5 years): get a mansion Life Goals (next 25 years): own a fashion empire Self-perception: idk she’s just trying to keep it all together Assumed external perception: she thinks people think she’s either great or a bitch, there is no in between. Self-Confidence: extremely confident Rational Or Emotional: rational How could you upset this character? compare her to her family

Wanted Connections ( all based on crazy ex-girlfriend/galavant songs )

any of these could be filled with gang affiliates of any kind !! It’d be fun to see how a gang affiliate would spice up these connections !! 

PLATONIC

FRIENDTOPIA: Carina loves very few people on Earth. They’re the Joey/Chandler/Monica/Phoebe to her Rachel. They do practically everything together, as they spend pretty much every waking second together. They’re her roommates (they can work at Eden with her, but it’s not required). 

LET’S GENERALIZE ABOUT MEN: a bitch-type group of friends that get together, sometimes drink, sometimes shop, or sometimes just share gossip and personal thoughts about what the hell is going on around them.

SECRET MISSION: They say the enemy of my enemy is my friend. These people mutually hate someone and often come up with different ways in which they can make this person suffer. But it’s all just in good fun…… or is it?

OFF WITH HIS SHIRT: Any of the men she’s been with exclusively through Eden. Her “regulars” or “visitors”, if you will. She gets paid quite heavily whether she offers sex or just her general company.

MAYBE YOU WON’T DIE ALONE: Carina is the self-proclaimed Hook Up Guru of Chicago, so she’ll definitely attempt to hook you up with that person you’ve had your eye on and it sometimes isn’t subtle. But sex makes her happy, so helping her friends get laid makes her happy too. 

AFTER EVERYTHING I’VE DONE FOR YOU: This person has gone to hell and back for Carina, yet she shows little to no gratitude towards them. It’s only a matter of time before their lid pops right off. 

FACE YOUR FEARS: These are her older friends who help her figure out her shit and she ACTUALLY listens to them because she just trusts them more than anyone else. 

GREG’S DRINKING SONG: Drinking buddies!! A lot of the instances Greg mentions in the song can basically just be different scenarios they’ve gotten themselves in.

ROMANTIC/SEXUAL:

IT WAS A SHIT SHOW: A bittersweet ex-boyfriend. They really didn’t have any choice but to end things. He has some things going on in his life, Carina wasn’t anywhere near ready for a monogamous relationship. They both agree… it was a DISASTER.

SETTLE FOR ME: Someone who, stupidly, has a crush on Carina and he literally doesn’t have a single chance in hell. I just think this kind of energy would be hella hilarious.

STRIP AWAY MY CONSCIENCE: One of the guys that she regularly hooks up/hooked up with. Maybe even dated, but it wasn’t anything more than sex, really. They’re still friends to this day. 

SEX WITH A STRANGER: This is pretty straight forward. All of her hookups. I’m just gonna list them here for data purposes. They coulda been friends before or barely know each other. Honestly, if she avoided everyone she’s ever had sex with, she’d never leave her house. 

ENEMIES:

MAYBE YOU’RE NOT THE WORST THING EVER: Bitter, toxic exes. This was one of her first real and intense relationships that happened in a time when she was the most vulnerable and unprepared. It ended HORRIBLY when they lashed out at each other and it’s hard to let those feelings go. If they can get over their own pettiness, they can at least hope to be frenemies.

JACKASS IN A CAN: People who really just DON’T think she’s all that. They thinks he’s very stuck up and don’t fall for her charming, blunt persona in the slightest. I’d just love someone to call her out on her bullshit.

I DON’T LIKE YOU: General dislike and sworn mortal enemies kind of situation. We can talk over what happened between them, but honestly, it wouldn’t be that hard to find something that she did… or someone. 

WHEW this was long, but go ahead and press some buttons if you like and wanna plot with her!! 

#crimson.intro #💫 ( carina torrero )

[shoury01]

SELF-REFLECTION: INITIATION

Being present with oneself, in the moment, being mindful, mentalizing, reflective function—all of these constructs point toward a crucial recognition of one’s own experience that takes place over and over again on short time scales, as much as it is an overarching way of seeing that spans a lifetime. Practicing curiosity fosters open-mindedness.

There is the “a-ha” moment of realizing what one had temporarily forgotten, an often-amusing moment of noticing that one stopped noticing something basic. Witnessing one’s own witnessing while participating in the flow of other activities grounds one in a particular sense of security, leading toward integration as the scope of awareness becomes encompassing. There is a firm but gentle way to be intently aware, where one almost sees oneself as a beloved stranger. Being a stranger to oneself can represent alienation and nihilism, but it can also be the beginning of a love affair as we meet ourselves anew. Closeness to oneself, however, can pose a variety of real and imagined threats. It’s important to respect our own boundaries, self-consent to all major decisions, and equip ourselves well. Self-inquiry is a complex affair. There are so many layers and options, and fully cataloguing every dimension would be quite an undertaking. Taking it all in and using it implicitly would be ridiculous. In the meantime, here are a few questions and related observations, which may be handy. A) Why am I thinking this? I mean this thought, right now: . . . . .

While this can simply be a curious question, it may feel critical particularly if the emotional tone (the inner tone of voice) is short or explicitly berating. However, there is a possibility that this is a useful question, as it allows one to trace back the origins or triggers of a particular train of thought or sequence of experiences. “How come” or “when did you first notice this” can be other ways to wonder why. B) What is happening? This is what is passing through my mind: . . . . . . This feels like recognition, though the content may change. There is a sense of sureness, no doubt. It may be a fleeting notion, or an old familiar companion. Getting such repeating complexes of thought-emotion-behaviour, holistic experience, is useful. They may represent the brain’s resting state network, or default mode network (DMN) activity. Many people do not pay attention to this background noise, but it isn’t fully random. There are often large parts which are consistent over time. Whether they work as we wish, and so on, is another question. C) What am I seeing? More to the point, where is attention focused?: . . . . . .  A lot of how we think is in a visual mode. The mind is a high-entropy system, meaning it can be in many possible states.  According to physicist Emerson M. Pugh (though often ascribed to others), “If the human brain were so simple that we could understand it, we would be so simple that we couldn’t.” We can imagine anything, given enough time, but the reality is that at any given moment we have a limited capacity to hold information in mind. This is the paradox of the brain, which is effectively infinite to itself while being severely constrained, as in theory I can think, say or experience a massive number of possible things. In the visual metaphor, we can control how far away we are from the object of attention, creating a degree of detachment without disengagement. D) Am I listening? Did I stop listening to what is important to me?: . . . . .  Listening is key because we can expand the soundscape of how we take our own thoughts. Sometimes the littlest voices are the most important, as is often said. The default mode network is meant to meander, and meandering is healthy, creative, and restorative. It lets us stumble upon interesting and potentially important things we might otherwise zip past. The executive control network can remember what was prioritized, execute plans, and direct resources. The salience network decides what to highlight and what to filter out, to a significant extent based on past experiences, for better or worse. Clearing the mind makes listening easier. E) Am I using all my senses? . . . . . . Other ways of self-attention track with other sensory modalities, scent or olfaction, touch, taste, body sense or proprioception, and subtle cues of a very basic nature, such as level of tension and groundness, feeling uprooted or firmly planted. It takes a bit of a Sherlock Holmes mentality to fully get a sense of oneself first by looking for all the tell-tale clues. Any sense can be a metaphor or template for ways of inner perception. The immersion in digital reality tends to make it harder to cultivate other senses, though, as audio-visual systems get disproportionately used, and highly developed. Adaptations to cyber-reality may make it harder to be present in an embodied form, as we come to expect and have become accustomed to obvious simulation. It also changes the way we relate to one another. F) Am I present? . . . . .  The act of asking this question, which may be dispassionate and compassionate, can have the immediate effect of returning one to the present. This is especially true if the path is well-travelled. Neurotic tendencies interfere, with second-guessing and worry. It’s like building a bridge into the air over a canyon without being able to see the other side. Being present uses up mental resources, taking other brain systems offline, such as those involved in excessive worry. It also means that we can’t think about the past and future in quite the same ways, as there is a sense of time standing still in the present moment. Long-term planning from this perspective is more of a blueprint, perhaps as imperfectly glimpsed in a dream. There is a question of whether humanity has been sleepwalking — a manifestation of collective self-hypnotic somnambulism — and whether we are becoming woke, or not. Being present allows us to at least take stock of our personal inventory, possibly catching more of what we ordinarily downplay or completely miss.

Sometimes we have an idea, and while we are thinking about it, we realize we are struggling to clarify to ourself what we are really thinking. We have an idea and wanted to communicate it to someone else, but find ourselves saying, “it’s hard to explain”. Some questions that may help us out of this are:

Clarity: . . . . . . . . . . . . Can we illustrate what we mean? Could we give an example in a visual format?

Accuracy: . . . . . . . . . . . . How could we verify or test it? Can we check it some way? Do we need or want to do this?

Precision: : . . . . . . . . . . . .Could we be more specific? Can we give a clearer more detailed version of this idea?

Relevance: . . . . . . . . . . . .How does that solve a problem? How does it bear on a question?

Depth: . . . . . . . . . . . . What are some of the complexities with this idea? What factors make this a difficult problem?

Breadth: . . . . . . . . . . . . Should we consider another point of view? What is the other perspective?

Logic: . . . . . . . . . . . . Does this make sense? Does it need to make sense? Is this abstract? If so, can we explain it in a way others will understand?

Significance: . . . . . . . . . . . . Is this the most important idea to consider right now? Does it line up with our priorities?

Fairness: . . . . . . . . . . . . Do we have a vested interest in this? Are we considering the feelings of others here? Is this idea self serving or not?

Content Curated By: Dr Shoury Kuttappa

#mindfulness #self image #self reflection #self inquiry #self concept #emotional intelligence #listening #focus #acceptance #awareness #emotions #thoughts #feelings #gratitude #self leadership