#and I don’t want people to feel sorry for me I’m just venting it’s just an outlet I’ll forget everything I’ve said in a few hours

[doctorweebmd]

I was thinking about this the other day and wondering why it’s become so much less fun to write for BNHA and I think it’s because… I’ve written too much?

Like being a one-off author was fine and fun and novel and people were so cool and supportive, but now I’ve got multiple long fics and people have started treating me like someone that “creates content” rather than someone who is writing for fun. And I’ve shot myself in the foot by continuing to write long-fic and putting my heart and soul into them and it’s like never enough, people just expect more and more and more and I want to keep giving and keep doing better but no matter what I write it’s just not ENOUGH

And like… this started a little after I finished Zero Sum Game but like… people have started forming “opinions” that they share openly about “me” - I can’t stand going into fandom space and seeing people say they can’t read anything I write, or they don’t like me as an author, openly ranking my works, saying xyz is overrated or mention me by name in shipping discourse or send me hate mail or update requests or just straight up telling me they’re not going to read what I write anymore… and these people don’t know me!!! I’m just an empty space to them!!! Just a machine that pumps out thousands on thousands of words to just look at an forget about instantly!!!!!!!!

Where do people get off honestly. Is it like this everywhere or is it just BNHA? Is it because it’s so popular that the community has broken down completely? Sincerely what the fuck how can anyone treat writers like this…

#literally got a comment like yesterday saying ‘I’m so disappointed this hasn’t been updated in a year! I need it’ #…fuck you actually? #I realize fics take 1-2 days to read #but all of this has taken hundreds of hours and YEARS to write #but sorry I don’t have the specific thing that you want to readily consume I guess #I am! not! a! content! creator! #nobody pays me! I get nothing out of this! why are people treating me like not a person! #and it’s just more and more frustrating seeing other writers mention stuff like this too #I realize I’m just venting now but whatever #like i feel like I built something over the past few years that I’m so proud of #but sometimes I want to burn it ALL to the ground #it’s not that deep #it’s just… I put too much of myself into this #which honestly is mostly my own fault #ANYWAY. that’s a big part as to why I’m jumping ship for now #I’d rather have fun and write whatever and have no one give a shit #than to give my heart and soul to a community that chews me up and spits me out #…. sorry I’m being so dramatic #the amazing wonderful kind people that have stayed around for these 3.5 years who still say kind words to me I love you so much #as always the negativity is the vast minority but that’s what hits the hardest I guess #I mean honestly I don’t care and will continue to write and do whatever I want #but wanted to reflect on my frustrations and make sense of it #.

[crybaby-bkg]

for the past couple of months I’ve found myself to be so like anxious and depressed whenever I log on here and I couldn’t figure out why??? like when I was getting a lot of interaction and attention it stressed me out and now that I don’t get as much it fucks w my mental but then I realized. I’m simply just pmsing. and what SUCKS is that I pms for a full like two weeks so half of the month I’m like “why do I even bother on here. what’s the point. I’m talking to the void constantly. I need attention but I can’t ASK????” and it’s simply. the PMDD. the Prozac hasn’t kicked in yet, I fear.

#this is torture #and omg my co star today was like #you’re creating distance betwee yourself and others and they don’t wanna keep crossing it to talk to you #OR SOMETHING LIKE THAT #and it makes so much sense omg I get so scared of reaching out to people #cause I think that THEY think I’m annoying or don’t wanna be bothered #and sometimes I genuinely just don’t know what to say #and I feel so isolated but I’m doing it to myself 😔 #anyway what I’m saying is. I want attention ALSJDKDJFJ #idk I just feel weird every time I come on here #I think I should take a break but it’s such routine for me to log on morning and night #that I would feel empty not doing it #bc I like reading and seeing you guys but I also think im not stable enough to not see my own stuff getting interaction #I’m just whining I’m sorry agskddhd #tw: vent #—in store chit chat! 🍫

[barkbrained]

You have to think things will get better, otherwise what is the point!!! You have to hold out hope that things will get better and then maybe one day things will feel safe and be cool and everything will be fine (at least as fine as it can be)

#misc #rbs okay #I’m just so tired of the state of the world and I’m so tired of feeling unsafe every day #so tired of being tired. I have to hope my body will heal and I will feel better but it’s so hard #change has to come at some point and I have to hope I can make it to that point #I’m having a terrible time coping with the pain and fatigue and mental strain covid has left me with #I want to feel okay again so badly #all I want in the world is to make art and experience art and music and movies and live a little life with my partner in some place nice #I’m scared I’ll never feel okay enough to have that and I’m scared the world won’t ever feel safe enough again to have that #I just keep telling myself something has to change and trying to believe it so hard #if I make it through this pandemic with any semblance of health and stability I will be happy #I don’t even want to think about how much trauma the pandemic has given me and will continue to give me #I grieve everyday for the world that could’ve been and the person I will never get the chance to be because of this pandemic #my health anxiety has skyrocketed in the past four years and just keeps getting worse #I can’t hear people coughing or sneezing or sniffling without panicking for a few seconds every time #I already had emetophobia before 2020 but now I have the same panicked feeling from anyone exhibiting any signs of illness #it’s exhausting T-T everything is exhausting #sorry for vent-ish post on main ik it’s not very professional but whatever this is my blog #covid tw

[angelic-eros]

Sometimes I wonder how much of myself I have to bend and shape and work around before someone will say they’re proud of what I’ve become

#I’ve done so much this year #I’ve been published as a model in a magazine and a book #my face was on display at comic con this year #I did my first ad job #I’ve travelled across the country for conventions #I’ve finally started earning money for my work #and I still feel like it’s not enough #or that this is just the standard somehow #because no one seems interested in any of this #and I’m starting to feel like all of this is just expected of someone creative and I’m stupid for being excited #sorry I had to vent a little #I’m very tired #and I feel shitty #and I want to feel talented #or pretty or photogenic or something #my copy of the magazine I’m in arrived today #and all I can think about is how many people just stared at me when I told them like it was nothing to them #or sent one word responses #and I don’t get it #vent

[pinkspiraling]

i can’t believe it’s april. time passes and i do nothing but go backwards! i have been empty for so long. i would rather be filled with sadness or anger or panic or literally anything. i would rather feel anything than feel so much nothing

#it’s been so long. i feel insane sometimes bc it’s like i really can’t bring myself to care about anything #i can’t enjoy the little things bc the little things don’t bring me enjoyment and big exciting things don’t either #like i have reasons for sticking around and they are all for other people #all the things i try to look forward to are things that i feel like i could do without. the wedding and concerts and vacations idc. #i don’t even want them. i know i will still be empty and they will make emptier. #oh god i don’t wanna be alive. sorry i’m venting sm i’ll stop but holy fuck i’m just over it #pink’s word vomiting

[girlvinland]

This is a post I don't really feel good about writing, but at the same time, it's something I feel like I keep wanting to vent about and that I don't really...have enough places to vent about. I have my therapist, but I feel like even then, I can't unload it all on her bc I feel like I never have enough time even if it comes up here and there. Unloading it on other people who aren't her typically leads to them going on the defensive about the things I want to talk about, even when I try to be gentle or more objective in discussing it. I feel like here is one of the places I usually feel okay talking (even though I know that's probably stupid in some ways), but idk. It's comfortable because it's familiar and bc my words aren’t being directed at any one person. Sorry this is really long, btw.

I feel like I've talked about sexuality so much the past year or so, and I feel like I've taken so long, like...longer than a lot of people...to fully unravel things about myself. My teens were reserved for me barely scratching the surface of anything bc I was petrified of it and had zero exposure to anything that would have helped me in any way. My twenties were like, the first stage of my actual exploration and unfurling, where I was like...wait...this is a viable option? Other people are like this...I'm meeting people who understand. Does that mean I could let myself have that option too? But I still went on like no...no. I'm basically meant to live someone else's life and not seek out any further answers. The past five years I did seek out more answers and really did a lot of work, and that's like...still quite a long time to sort through some of this (or at least, it feels that way).

All of that is just history now though, so it’s not actually what I want to discuss. The thing that I don't feel good about is how my emotions have felt wrt everything currently. I've started to feel like such a bitter person for it, but I don't know if, in some way, the things I feel are justified after years of trying to understand my relationship to the world at large and how my sexuality relates to it. I want to believe that they are and that I'm just at a stage where I can experience these emotions fully in ways I haven’t before and that eventually they'll start to mellow out.

For instance, the past couple of years I've started to become somewhat like…irrationally irritated when it comes to hearing about boyfriends/husbands/etc of my friends who are cis women. Sometimes in general, but mostly when it's in the context of someone complaining about their partner in a day-to-day sort of way. The normalization of that in a heteronormative society has started to become something I just…really dislike hearing about. After going through my own “straight-passing” relationships (idk if this term is ok to use and I’ll change it if not), I almost feel like I just don't have the time or care for it anymore, even when I want to be supportive. Also, it’s hard for me to not apply my own experiences and biases, and a part of me always ends up wanting to be like. If you aren't happy, please try and do something to fix it. Converse with your partner about it. Leave if it's bad enough that you can't deal with it anymore. Get a therapist for yourself or both of you to work things out. Idk. It feels unfair for me to be like that when family or friends want to vent, but I also find it so hard to deal with now or like, it sends my brain to the boomer comic “I hate my wife but I’m just going to complain and not doing anything to change it” realm (and I understand that a lot of times, it is the partner who has little interest in changing things even when the other person is trying, which is even more frustrating to some extent).

The other thing I feel guilty about is this disdain I've developed of hearing about cis male celebrities/characters/crushes in more heterosexual regards (I want to specify that this doesn’t mean I actively dislike the celebs or characters or anything like that, not usually anyway. There are a ton of male chars I enjoy and everything, and tbh idc that much about celebrities in general). I feel like for the past few years I've been going through a period where I'm so tired of being exposed to it though (even with my own chars being sexualized by other ppl tbh) and all I want to do is to engage in media/culture that somehow dismantles anything cisheteronormative or that focuses on couples that aren’t cis/straight (I’ve esp sought out so much more wlw-adjacent media in recent years bc I’ve found myself connecting to it in a way that’s like…holy shit I want to make up for years of things I didn’t have access to or didn’t know existed).

Unfortunately, sometimes I feel like talking about that more often leads to a level of anger or annoyance on the part of people who don't feel that way, even though there is so much less media and discussion about those things in general. A lot of this is more relevant to irl straight friends I have and stuff, where it's fine for them to talk about all of the things they like when it relates to men or romance centered around men, but I don't necessarily have the same ability/level of acceptance from them to discuss media focused on anything else wrt romance/sexuality. Don't get me wrong, I have a lot of queer friends and whatnot, but most of them live elsewhere now (I also live elsewhere from many of them) and in general, the majority of people I'm exposed to in regular life are usually straight bc statistically that's just how it is and everything. It frustrates me though how it feels so acceptable for them to talk about whatever male celebrity/char or straight romance thing is popular, but I just kind of have to stand there and nod while wishing I could talk about the stuff I like too when it comes to like, wlw/lesbian media or whatever. That sounds selfish, but I feel like it reflects society’s general view on anything queer, and I think that’s why it gets to me more. Like maybe it wouldn’t bother me so much if that wasn’t the default/if I could speak about things as freely too. I know a lot of people feel that way, I don’t mean to make that or any of this post sound like some experience that is unique to me.

Anyway. I'm sorry if this vent comes off as weird or abrasive at all. It's really, really not my intention, nor is it directed at any one person or relationship and is more just a reflection on how my emotions are now when I think about cisheternormative society and that kind of thing. In the past I was able to kind of...blind myself to a lot of it, I think, or at least be more jokey about it in the times when it did annoy me. And after the years of working to distance myself from it, these aspects of it have started to seem really pervasive, even more so than I felt they were before. Like I said, I don't feel good about feeling these things and I don't want to always feel them. I hope I can work through them and get to a place where they don't bother me, or at least, not as much as now. I truly think it's a situation of like…breaking free of my own binds/feeling this freedom now and seeing things in a different light than I was able to before when I had the blinders on, and maybe once I settle into myself more, I’ll be able to shake those emotions off or find better ways to cope with them. I feel like a lot of this is stuff that’s always existed and always will, and the ways in which society operates are very hard to change, but I can kind of adapt the way I see and experience things so that they’re healthier for me. I’m just. Still in the early stages of doing that, and maybe it will take a little time to understand how to make it more productive/easier for myself. I didn’t get to this place overnight, and I’m sure I have a lot more to learn on this particular journey.

#by bug #sexuality #this is a long vent so im sorry about that if you read it #idk I don’t want this to feel personal to anyone bc it truly isn’t #it’s more just me reflecting in a space I feel ok doing that #and I promise it’s primarily about society and sexuality as a whole instead of people as individuals #even though I mention irl friendships I don’t want these things to reflect negatively on them #they just like what they like and that’s okay #this is more just me trying to gauge where I’m at with my emotions and somehow writing them out makes that easier #it’s also. im not happy with myself for experiencing these emotions but I want to change how I react to them when having them

[le-fruity-fool]

There truly is no feeling like another person pressing their face into your shoulder or resting on your lap.

#feeling nostalgic rn sorry #I’m almost never the first person to initiate physical contact with people because it’s such a tender thing to ask for #& I feel like my discomfort makes people uncomfortable around me #like ‘I want to get away from this so you must want that also. I must be making you so uneasy & disgusted’ #weird to know there r ppl who don’t think physical contact is a big deal cuz it’s major for me #just like… physically communicating ‘I want you here & trust you & am not repulsed by you’ #that’s what it feels like but that’s not always what it means #some ppl are just rly casual about physical contact #vent #it wasn’t that @ first. whoops

[your-local-granny]

Being critical of art is all fun and games until you are the art that is being critiqued :(

#God I was feeling so good today but duuuude I’m so scared abt the opera from purely a technical standpoint #like I’m not even stressed about fucking anything up anymore it just hit me that like. I invited people to see this and it might be bad :( #due to variables outside of my control!!!! I hate not being able to fix things #I would be less stressed if my mother wasn’t seeing it but tragically I’m proud of what /i/ am achieving so I really want her to be there!! #but I know it’s going to be SUCH a fucking let down after the other shows she’s seen at my school like #the productions she saw were SO GOOD on a technical standpoint and both of the productions this year were so bad :(((( #like even conveptually I don’t even know if I’m fully convinced and I’m in the show!!! #And idk. It’s hard when you don’t have an extended family (or like much of a family at all) #so the only people coming to your show are like. Broadway technicians #the closest thing I have to an uncle is a lighting designer and a stage manager my mother knows #very fun sometimes. Other times I want to throw myself onto a pyre #Why do the stakes have to be so high why can’t they just be happy to support me :)) I shall never be the center of her world. Ah well #But also we would not be as close as we are without our shared love of theater production so. Catch-22 #And at the end of the day I’m more sad that I can’t be proud of the show #it’s not anyone’s fault it just is and I need to be okay with it #I worked really hard and it matters that I’m doing this #GOD SORRY!!! #vent #portal of rambling

[prisonpodcast]

.

#this is gonna be kind of a vent and it may be incoherent so.. #seeing everyone talk about how they want to leave dtblr these past few days is so relieving how are we all thinking the same thing at the #same time #idk for me I’m probably not gonna go anywhere but I cannot lie. the fact that our community is more discourse and neg than #actual talk about content is really draining sometimes #it also dosent help that there isn’t that much content recently that I find interesting aside from the occasional dream video #so I guess there really isn’t that much to talk about except for drantis and how much we either love or hate Karl Jacobs #tbh I miss lore LOL the fandom was more fun when that was going on + also it’s wayyy easier stomaching discourse about #fictional characters than real people #like don’t get me wrong I’ve neg posted about ccs too but sometimes this community will talk more about how they hate Karl than like. their #own faves content. like I don’t even care about Karl in the slightest but like it’s just draining when there’s so much negativity all the #time instead of like. live-blogging and excitement over new content #not just Karl tho I used him as an example but like. everyone on the ‘ccs dtblr hates’ list #AND it dosent. help that I don’t really care about George or sapnaps content like at all and Im more of just an sbi main who also likesdream #which sucks bc there aren’t many sbi fans that are normal enough about Dream to follow #so I don’t fit with that community either #and I still don’t really feel like I fit with dreblr too bc I’m more of a ctechno main but idk lol #and like the few non dtblr people I follow seem to always be having such a much better time than us which really dosent help #sorry for the random sad post lmao #I’ll probably delete later I just want to get it out of my system bc sometimes complaining about things makes you feel better about thething #and before anyone’s like ‘just leave why’re you sat here complaining’ #I like this community and I like talking about my interests and reading posts about stuff I like on here #I haven’t really lost interest in the content there’s just a lack of it. I just wish the community was less neg all the time #like it’s even something I need to work on with myself lol #this is so long LMAO it’ll probably get deleted in a bit

[chewwytwee]

Y’all realize having an account on tumblr is giving tumblr money right? Logging in everyday and scrolling through posts gives them ad revenue, posting on their site boosts their SEO and brings in more users, talking about tumblr on other sites and platforms makes it more known and all of this serves to increase the theoretical ‘value’ of the site. I agree that we shouldn’t be giving tumblr our hard earned cash because they do suck, but let’s not get too holier-than-though because you’re still using this site everyday which in very direct terms ‘gives the site money’

#.txt #all the posts ON TUMBLR criticizing people for giving the site money #like I’m sorry but they’re all painfully ironic to me because they just… idk they’re so surface level #and fail to understand where tumblr draws its value from #like all it serves to do is give people a moral imperative it doesn’t even DO anything #how are you actually helping or changing anything by not giving tumblr money??? #you can use tumblr it’s okay #you can even give them money it’s okay #yes the CEO is a shithead and there are def shitheads on the dev team #but like…. so does everything???? #the modern corporation is too big and complex for your money to ‘go’ to a specific person #so if we’re really on the level of ‘bad people profit from this company so we need to boycott it’ then you gotta stop using basically #everything #you gotta make sure all your screws are sourced from local shops who only employ people who agree with you #it only bugs me so much because it takes away from real discussion that has real impact and is actionable #people might feel good by… saying they won’t give tumblr money #but I don’t really care? i use this site to talk to people and communicate news ABOUT PALESTINE #and so it’s like. even tho the site employs and is run by shitty people it can still be used to further goals those people don’t agree with #there’s nothing wrong with boycotts obviously but it really feels like these posts are much more to serve the mostly white western user base #who want to feel like they’re doing something for Gaza even though all they’re doing is… vent posting about their mutuals

[sanyu-thewitch05]

I said I’m sorry, you said it’s ok. But you’re staying away from me and now nobody wants to be near me and everyone can sense the tension that something is up. Hit me, scream at me, ignore me whatever makes you feel better, just please just don’t be mad at me anymore and act like I’m a ghost in the wind. You know what screw you, I don’t need you anymore. I’m going to enjoy my trip to Europe. I hate you. I feel disgusted looking at you and everyone else’s faces. I wish you were gone and left me alone.

3:30 British time zone: I know you probably been talking about me behind my back. I can feel the tension in the atmosphere. Everyone can.

-how I’m feeling right now.

#personal post #vent post #rant post #ramblings #I just really don’t feel ok and feel like I’m really alone #I wanna run away with a handsome stranger and live my life away from everyone #I wanna go to an island an relax #I never want to see their faces again #I just really really hate most people around me right now #I want to scratch their eyes out #sorry if I seem a bit emotionally unstable sometimes #though I don’t know why I’m apologizing #I guess I just can’t take it when people wanna leave me and I don’t understand what I did wrong #especially when I’ve apologized(and I don’t do fake I’m apologizing because so and so said so apologies) #like what did I do wrong #i don’t understand #emotionally unstable

[agenderarkham]

What if I exploded rn. I think it’d be good for me personally

#I left work earlier than I needed to today (didn’t get overtime that I want and enjoy) bc I had a doctors appointment today but then I show #up to the office and oops !! I guess someone forgot to schedule it tee hee you wanna sit there for an hour so we can squeeze you in no well #you’ll have to reschedule then what’s your availability oh you get off work anywhere from 1230 to 230? how about an appointment at 1 o’clock #LIKE ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME STOP TALKING TO ME LIKE YOU THINK THIS IS MY FAULT EHATS THE POINT OF YOU SITTING THERE IF YOU CANT EVEN #SCHEDULE A FUCKING APPOINTMENT ??!!??? AND they’re making ME call my insurance to make sure it covers the orthodics I’m trying to get #so like. if you can schedule an appointment properly. and you’re making me call the insurance company to make sure they’re gonna cover the #shit that your doctor decided was best for me. what the fuck are you doing all day #also I cut my finger on something I literally don’t know what bc I’m so fucking about to explode frustrated and angry I’m having to lay on #my bed with the lights off and my sunglasses on so. fun #ALSO I go to leave after angry crying in my car for a few minutes and my key is stuck and wouldn’t start for a few minutes. what a wonderful #day that I’m having huh. can’t wait for my birthday on Saturday where I’m just gonna be sad because all my friends are moving away and a #bunch of people I know have died. what a week huh !! and here I thought I could start to treat myself a little better and start going to the #gym and get some good news at work but NOPE I GUESS ILL GO FUCK MYSELF #sorry. I’m feeling bad lately 👍 #vent #Arkham rambles #arkhamrambles

[arthur-r]

genuinely how does someone succeed in college when you’re so terrified of being incorrect or looking stupid that you can’t even say anything to begin with???? i was trying to go into this year brave and everything but i’ve already been laughed at multiple times by a class full of people older and scarier than me and i already feel like i’m being judged and underestimated for so many reasons that i don’t want to give anyone another reason to look at me that way. but it’s gotten to the point (in the less than one week that classes have been in session; maybe it’s always been at the point) where i’m failing to submit assignments because i know that my teacher is going to see it and think i’m stupid, and never listen to me again, and i’m going to lose all the credibility that i’m trying so desperately to hold onto. and i know from a logical standpoint that it’s the teacher’s job to meet people where they’re at and lift them up from there, but honestly is that much even true anymore?? isn’t college about figuring out who has what it takes and who is going to get left behind???? why did i enroll in fucking honors classes of course i can’t do this???? i’m really not feeling well and i stayed in tonight and missed dinner and i miss home and i miss being able to talk to my friends and not be actively ruining my future. i feel like i’m always good until i’m not, and i don’t realize i need help until i’m too far in and by the time i get it, i won’t need it anymore but i’ll have ruined everything back when things were worse. i’m isolating from my roommate (who hates me because he thinks i hate him) and losing every friend i’ve started to make at the same time as i’m losing all the real friendships that i already have. and my roommate is across the room right now as i’m quietly fucking crying. and i want to go home and i want to be safe. and why is everything so unfamiliar and simple and wretchedly complicated.

#im really not feeling well. i want to go home and im not used to that at all #i miss my little sister. i miss my teachers and i miss my friends. im not used to this #what prompted all of this: i was trying to do my linguistics homework and i made it about an hour in coming up with faulty hypotheses #and i realized that far of the way through. that the only dialects i’m fucking familiar with are all fucking variations of north central #‘whoa somebody talks similar in anchorage as they do in taylor’s falls?? it must signify a deep linguistic thread traceable over generations #they’re just both right next to fucking canada???? of course they fucking sound similar???? the fact that i don’t know anyone from the east #or the south and even the people i know in the west are still the same fucking thing we all talk the fucking same #i know village english that’s a little fucking interesting but it’s not like i have any INSIGHT i don’t KNOW anything!!!! #told my french teacher i’m learning latin he asked me if it’s fucking ecclesiastical because once you’re in college it’s just normal i guess #i just feel like. yes i’m here because some part of me stood out from my peers. but in this group of special people?? i’m nothing!!!! #so i’m really struggling. and i want a hug and i wish things were different. i want to be here but i don’t feel like i deserve it #and i’m not going to get anything done if i keep feeling like this #i dont know. i hope everyone is doing well. sorry for the extra stress it’s just really difficult and strange #i hope everyone has a good night - i’m heading to bed soon #me. my post. mine. #friends only #vent cw #delete later #and everyone here speaks fcuking MANDARIN or something and all of a sudden my five years of french feels fucking basic. #kids who have been in advanced programs since birth. the imposter syndrome is fucking PALPABLE!!!! i want to go home and i want to forget #okay i’m done. im done!!!! everything is fine. hope everyone is well

[victory-cookies]

school starts tomorrow and I’m trying to be okay

#I think this year will be lonely #my best friend who just moved away has already made friends on campus #and I can just tell between her busy schedule and the people she’ll want to hang out with there she’s not gonna have a ton of time to call #or to watch stuff together #and my one friend I have at uni here is an engineering student and is absurdly busy #so I only really get to see her when we carpool bc we live close #but I just found out she’s moving and won’t be able to carpool with me anymore #so chances are I’ll be seeing her even less #and then the other friends I have are in a group that’s falling apart and I don’t really hang out with any of them individually #plus they’re all taking vacations bc it’s their gap year #I just. I didn’t handle last year too well and that was with people still able to spend time with me #my classes this year aren’t really more close knit either so I don’t really feel like I have a good likelihood of making friends there #Bc I’m bad at it. I’m really shy #I just don’t want to go through this year pretty much alone but I think I will #And it sucks. It really sucks #vent #sorry

[jewish-space-laser]

also not to be like, needy on the internet, but i’m having a hard night and i need to laugh so send me funny things. tik toks, jokes, i don’t care please please share and laugh with me

#i’m just… so worried about my brother. #he was diagnosed with ptsd a couple years ago after being traumatized by things he saw in a courtroom as a juror #and the subject of this trial is widely publicized and is all over the news periodically and probably always will be to some extent #and i know he has so much support and i know he wants to help. but he can’t find a therapist with his insurance right now #and him and i are the only ones in my whole family who use social media. which means that i feel like i need to always be watching the news #so i can warn his wife to keep him away from his phone or at least pass on the warning so he can mentally prepare #but it just isnt fair because he put his safety on the line to be a juror at this trial and he helped bring much needed justice #and i’m very proud of him for that. like beyond measure #but also… now i’m also always going to live with this… like. worry for him. and i know you worry about the people you love but #it’s just so overwhelming sometimes. and i wish the world was a better place #because then none of this would be happening. like this all because of an evil person who was protected by an evil system #anyway if you read all of that thanks i guess lol sorry i just super needed to vent that out #i don’t talk about it often for reasons i hope you can infer #remind me to call and schedule a therapy appointment tomorrow lol

[pitiful-anonymous-vampire]

venting because I need to

I’m shocked that people know I can’t move half my jaw and, when I’m able to talk, I often have to talk through my teeth

they will know when this is the case

they will still expect me to sound a certain way and adjust my “tone” and, if my “tone” is off, I’m being “mean” and “horrible”

just try talking through your teeth while not moving your facial muscles or your tongue. then tell me I’m using a “mean” or “disrespectful” tone

#also when I don’t talk I’m being rude and mean and disrespectful #when I use a text to speech program I’m being annoying #when I text I’m being rude #when I write what I want to say on paper or something I’m being frustrating #I just can’t win no matter what I do #it sucks #and what’s worse is the people who complain take a tone with me every single day #a real tone not a disorder that prevents them from speaking #I’m tired of always being the bad guy #I want a hug #🥺 #sorry the deterioration of my bones and muscles and everything hurts your feelings that must be so hard for you 🙄 #tw sad #tw rant #tw venting #tw vent #tw vent ish #tw medical stuff #disability