#told my french teacher i’m learning latin he asked me if it’s fucking ecclesiastical because once you’re in college it’s just normal i guess

[arthur-r]

genuinely how does someone succeed in college when you’re so terrified of being incorrect or looking stupid that you can’t even say anything to begin with???? i was trying to go into this year brave and everything but i’ve already been laughed at multiple times by a class full of people older and scarier than me and i already feel like i’m being judged and underestimated for so many reasons that i don’t want to give anyone another reason to look at me that way. but it’s gotten to the point (in the less than one week that classes have been in session; maybe it’s always been at the point) where i’m failing to submit assignments because i know that my teacher is going to see it and think i’m stupid, and never listen to me again, and i’m going to lose all the credibility that i’m trying so desperately to hold onto. and i know from a logical standpoint that it’s the teacher’s job to meet people where they’re at and lift them up from there, but honestly is that much even true anymore?? isn’t college about figuring out who has what it takes and who is going to get left behind???? why did i enroll in fucking honors classes of course i can’t do this???? i’m really not feeling well and i stayed in tonight and missed dinner and i miss home and i miss being able to talk to my friends and not be actively ruining my future. i feel like i’m always good until i’m not, and i don’t realize i need help until i’m too far in and by the time i get it, i won’t need it anymore but i’ll have ruined everything back when things were worse. i’m isolating from my roommate (who hates me because he thinks i hate him) and losing every friend i’ve started to make at the same time as i’m losing all the real friendships that i already have. and my roommate is across the room right now as i’m quietly fucking crying. and i want to go home and i want to be safe. and why is everything so unfamiliar and simple and wretchedly complicated.

#im really not feeling well. i want to go home and im not used to that at all #i miss my little sister. i miss my teachers and i miss my friends. im not used to this #what prompted all of this: i was trying to do my linguistics homework and i made it about an hour in coming up with faulty hypotheses #and i realized that far of the way through. that the only dialects i’m fucking familiar with are all fucking variations of north central #‘whoa somebody talks similar in anchorage as they do in taylor’s falls?? it must signify a deep linguistic thread traceable over generations #they’re just both right next to fucking canada???? of course they fucking sound similar???? the fact that i don’t know anyone from the east #or the south and even the people i know in the west are still the same fucking thing we all talk the fucking same #i know village english that’s a little fucking interesting but it’s not like i have any INSIGHT i don’t KNOW anything!!!! #told my french teacher i’m learning latin he asked me if it’s fucking ecclesiastical because once you’re in college it’s just normal i guess #i just feel like. yes i’m here because some part of me stood out from my peers. but in this group of special people?? i’m nothing!!!! #so i’m really struggling. and i want a hug and i wish things were different. i want to be here but i don’t feel like i deserve it #and i’m not going to get anything done if i keep feeling like this #i dont know. i hope everyone is doing well. sorry for the extra stress it’s just really difficult and strange #i hope everyone has a good night - i’m heading to bed soon #me. my post. mine. #friends only #vent cw #delete later #and everyone here speaks fcuking MANDARIN or something and all of a sudden my five years of french feels fucking basic. #kids who have been in advanced programs since birth. the imposter syndrome is fucking PALPABLE!!!! i want to go home and i want to forget #okay i’m done. im done!!!! everything is fine. hope everyone is well