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heyitsyn · 4 years

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Manager!Seijoh

a/n: im a seijoh stan and theyre my little plant babies

for more seijoh content, check this masterlist out!

this is so long oml i hate myself

theyre an actual boy band istg

lets be honest, they probably thought you were just another oikawa fangirl

they thought you just wanted to be closer to their captain bc you were another delusional girl who wanted to live out her fantasies

lmao im not trying to be salty

but when you just stared blankly at oikawa tooru after he called you a beautiful flower,

stageplay hinata calling you a mugwort

the team just about threw themselves on your feet

tbh you werent really there to get a boyfriend or for oikawa

you just needed an after school club and the other teams already had managers

the only sport that didnt was the boys volleyball team

imagine why

you were actually a little wary, since you knew of oikawa, being a first year yourself, and you were aware of his psycho fangirls who could probably kill you

but you needed a club that would last you for the next 3 years to graduate

it was kunimi who actually recommended being a manager

you were in his class and you noticed him sleeping in the morning so you gave him your energy bar

‘thanks’

you shrugged and smiled

thats why he tolerated you more than others

you were nice and you were the only one who noticed his tiredness, even the teacher left him alone, and did something about it

sometimes, you even gave him an energy drink

‘can you tell me why youve been so tired lately? i dont think ive seen you wake up until lunch’

he opened the snack and started munching while replying

‘early morning practice for volleyball is still a big adjustment. our captain demands us to be there 6 in the morning sharp and if we’re even a minute late, we’d have to run laps. like for every minute youre late, you have to run those amount’

oh my why is kunimi talking so much

but i love kunimi and first year seijoh boys rights in this household is valid

you furrowed your eyebrows

‘but yall are still growing and you need all your sleep. if i were there, id yell at your captain’

he grinned slightly, imagining your short height beating up their captain

‘meh. you want to be our manager? i saw you looking at the clubs board yesterday and we dont have one so you could take the opportunity and beat him up then’

ofc you agreed bc kunimi was best boi and you just wanted him to have enough sleep for once

after class, he waited for you to finish packing up and when you finished, yall left the classroom

until another guy with a spiky hairstyle joined you and you noticed him as the guy who sometimes came over to eat lunch with kunimi

‘oh, hello l/n-san’

you smiled gently

‘drop the formalities, kindaichi-kun. its only fair.’

he nodded before walking beside kunimi

‘kindaichi, l/n might be our new manager’

the onion head excitedly looked at you

‘really?! yes! so we dont have to fill our bottles ourselves anymore!’

kunimi glared at him and slapped his stomach

‘shes our manager, not our maid’

you laughed but placed an arm on him

‘its okay. i was a manager for my middle school volleyball team so i know a little bit about being one’

the two shared a look

god, they really hit the jackpot

as yall walked closer to the gym, you noticed the big pile of girls huddling at the corner

kunimi sighed

‘l/n, ill warn you ahead of time of our captain. hes kinda,,,, too much’

but you flashed him a smile

‘hes not the first one ive handled’

oml player-chan!!!

so when you opened the door and entered the gym and oikawa hit you with his normal antics, you just stared at him

‘okay and?’

hanamaki and mattsun howled before rushing to you and grabbing you in a hug

‘girls like her really exist!!’

you gave kunimi and kindaichi a signal of help and they nodded before gently prying the senpais off of you

‘senpai, please’

you gave kunimi a grateful nod

coach irihata went up to you bc wow, kunimi has a friend with of another gender?

‘how can we help you, miss?’

‘im l/n y/n, first year, and id like to apply as the manager’

internally, the coach sighed bc you werent the first one to apply

the reason they havent had a manager for years was bc of oikawa’s fangirls hiding themselves under that false facade

but he saw you brush off that comment oikawa make with no hint of fluster or blush on your face so he decides to give you a trial run, in guise of seeing if you could handle these chaotic boys

‘do you have any experience as manager? or do we need to teach you the ropes?’

‘i was a manager for 3 years in my middle school volleyball’

he nodded

‘ill give you one month. a trial run of a month to test the waters’

you agreed and your trial run began

kunimi mentioned that morning practice starts at 6 am sharp so you set your alarm for 5 to get ready and get to school on time before the boys

you remembered how to set up the nets so you quickly put them out (using a step stool bc we short) and ran to get the basket of balls

their water bottles were filled and you were in the middle of lugging the big basket of towels when the third years entered

the 4 of them usually came earlier than the rest so they saw you dragging the basket of fresh towels and wipe your sweat before smiling at the work youve done

iwa was so happy bc it was usually him who did this stuff and now that he had someone do it for him, it was like a god-send

oikawa’s eyes shone and he waved at you

‘yohoo, y/n-chan!’

you cringed at the loud voice of the famous oikawa tooru

‘hello, oikawa-san’

he chuckled at your politeness before hugging you

‘you did all this for us? youre so cute, y/n-chan!’

instead of the normal blush and love-struck eyes, you were actually very uncomfortable of the sudden skinship and you quickly ran to the side when iwa hit him at the head

‘shittykawa! leave her alone!’

‘iwa-chan!’

makki and mattsun stood next to you as the boys did their usual fight

‘is this all an act or are you really not attracted to oikawa?’

mattsun shot him a surprised look bc why was he so straightforward

but you just shrugged

‘hes cute, i admit. but ive seen much cuter and the boys in my middle school team was basically full of him so,,, and i hate guys who think theyre all that just bc theyre blessed w a pretty face. if anything, ill probably go for iwaizumi-san’

pop off S I S T E R!!!

you just won the heart of these two

slowly but surely, they all came to accept you and iwa straight out loves you bc you maintained this routine for the whole month of your trial run

and you still remained indifferent of oikawa’s advances and he was even impressed and slightly agitated that you werent paying attention to him

‘y/n-chan, one date! just one!’

you huffed before looking up from your clipboard

‘i like men, oikawa-san. not boys’

that comment made the guys shriek

‘y/n-chan! youre just a first year! you dont need a man!’

‘youre not a man, oikawa!’

you left oikawa to be tormented by his teammates and went to go and hand over the report to the coach

he was impressed by the notes you made bc they were ones he even missed

like the split-second of hesitation that kindaichi usually has that goes unnoticed but you immediately saw

or the wince oikawa has whenever he so much as jumps an inch

you could even tell the difference between iwa’s spike and if he was being easy or he was going full-out

this added on to the fact that the boys loved you and irihata actually saw kunimi try more

but he thinks its only to earn your praises

‘y/n, youre officially the team manager’

yall celebrated at the normal hang-out spot which was the ramen shop and it truly shocked you at how much these boys ate

granted, this was the first time you ate together but you didnt expect them to eat nearly 5 bowls each

you could only finish 2 and you already feel like throwing up

‘honestly, how do you guys not gain weight after this?’

the table you sat at, iwa, kindaichi, mattsun, and kunimi, looked at you and shrugged

‘i work out’

‘i run’

‘i fast’

‘i poop it out’

lmao im sorry i cackled too hard at this

you stared blankly at mattsun’s answer who said it so seriously that you snorted a laugh

they watched you and your laughter bc you havent really expressed yourself as much

so they made it their goal to see you laugh more

‘y/n-chan! you need to eat more!’

oikawa shouted, clearly food drunk, but you shook your head aggressively

‘i only planned to eat one bowl but he just had to shove another down my throat’

‘but you need to grow, y/n-chan!’

‘i want to grow taller! not wider!!’

As a manager:

oh boy

you basically grew into kinda their mom

‘oikawa-san! you need to rest your knee or youre going to hurt yourself! i will drag you home myself!’

‘kunimi, if you try to get this one more spike, i’ll buy you a bag of those caramel bites you like’

‘iwa-san! if you hit oikawa-san too much, youll destroy the little braincells he has!’

‘yahaba-san, nice dump!’

‘is your knee okay, watari-san?’

yall really forget that watari and yahaba exist sometimes smh

it was part of the work

keeping up with seijoh

so to keep them encouraged, you gave them praises that they always demand for and they always turn to you whenever they did something good

mattsun gives you a look whenever he blocks iwa’s spikes and you give kindaichi a head pat whenever he blocks some too

bc of how you are with them, sometimes, they forget that you are actually just a first year

they get shocked whenever you walk in with kunimi and kindaichi and talk about the current homework bc it slips their mind that their hard-working manager was actually just a 15-year-old girl

so, they try to ease the burden whenever they can

like iwa offering to help you whenever you have to take their jerseys to the laundrymat

or offering to help you with your assignments since theyve only been through it once

more like watari, yahaba, and iwa bc the matsuhana are clueless and acts like they completely skipped that grade

also

!!!!

oikawa’s fangirls ltr dont leave you alone!!!

now, its known that youre the manager of the volleyball team bc oikawa has boasted about your efforts and such

this obvs ticked off a bunch of girls bc they were jealous that you got to spend more time in a single practice with their precious oikawa-senpai than they have their entire lives

more than once theyve cornered you to threaten you to stay away from their senpai or youll have something coming for you

you never take them seriously bc you can fight too and you just give them a look and push them away

but this one time

TRIGGER WARNING-START

okay tea

the self-proclaimed president of the oikawa tooru fanclub, kenta miyo, cornered you at the bathroom with her other minions

you were just washing your hands and drying them off when she marched up to you and grabbed your hair before tugging it back

obviously you were surprised and shouted

‘oi! what the hell?!’

‘you slut! you need to stay away from my tooru, got it?!’

ehm what

you hissed and wrenched her arm from your hair and pushed her away

your hair was now a mess and you were fuming, already sick and tired of the torture these girls put you through

‘he belongs to himself, not you! so stop being delusional and leave me alone already!’

she signalled for the girls to hold on to you which you slapped away but they forcefully grabbed your arm while you kicked at them and struggle to get out of their hold

jesus what do these girls eat

miyo watches you struggle with a smile and cackles

‘oh? no fight anymore, little kouhai?’

you glared at her

‘i dont want to beat yall up bc id get yelled at by tooru so you need to let me go or regret it’

at the mention of his first name, her eyes widened and her face twisted and she slapped you

‘oi! respect your senpai, you brat! dont you ever say oikawa’s first name!’

your lips curled

‘oh? thats funny, because he actually told me to call him that since he wants his cute little manager to be very comfortable with him’

you achieved a feat that she has been working to get her entire high school life and miyo was not happy

‘ive been with him for 3 years and you just suddenly show up out of nowhere and call him that?! i dont think so!’

she had her hands around your neck and you gripped her arms, making her wince

but you laughed at that comment

‘heh, thats pathetic, isn’t it? here you are, my senpai, who has been vying for his attention for 3 years only to be ignored yet a mere first year, who shows up out of nowhere, has been asked to a date nearly a million times every day. that must be tough’

she shrieked at that comment and threw you on the floor, making you accidentally hit your head at the edge of the sink

yall im actually so bothered by this scene and im wincing as im typing

you bit your lip to prevent any sound of pain to escape bc you knew thats what she wanted to hear from you

but you werent going to give her the satisfaction

instead, you looked up at her, hatred swirling in your eyes

‘youre freaking psycho, you know that? once tooru and hajime knows about this, theyre going to give you hell. they wont ever let this go bc im the manager of their prized team and their little baby sister. so go ahead, do what you want with me. bc i paid too much for these nails to be tainted by dirt like you’

saiyo, a girl you noticed to be watari’s classmate when you went and visited him, nervously tugged on miyo’s jacket

‘miyo, we should go-’

‘SHES BLUFFING. AND HERE, SINCE YOUR SOCCERFIELD FOREHEAD IS BLEEDING, LET ME HELP WASH IT OUT’

and she poured over a carton of banana milk over you, making you wince at the sticky and cold liquid

the tough facade was crumbling and you were now screaming for help in your head, hoping that stupid theory from yahaba about team telepathy to work

but it didnt

TRIGGER WARNING-END

when miyo and her girls left, you sat on the floor, soaked and sticky and bleeding

then you begin to cry angry tears

you were angry that you were being treated like this just bc you were a manager

you were angry that you let them do that to you

you were angry that you prized your nails more than punching her square in the nose

you were just angry

periodt

staggering on your own feet, you stood up and leaned on the sink, eyes widening at the dripping red liquid from the gash on your forehead, staining the porcelain sink

you were stupid and unconsciously touched it making you wince

‘shit, that hurts’

you whined quietly

there was little you can do with toilet paper and water to clean yourself up but you managed to at least stop the bleeding

you knew you had to be put on concussion protocol just in case bc you that hit was quite hard but at the moment, that wasnt your concern

practice has already started and this was the first time you werent present for daily practice

this was confirmed at the constant buzzing of your phone in your skirt pocket which you didnt listen to and instead, started thinking of ways to go to your locker and get your stuff and fake being sick but at the same time, not be seen and relayed to the team

time was ticking and you had to come up with a plan fast before oikawa will send the team to come looking around the building for you

once you looked at your reflection and smiled big, you decided it was enough to not show the pain you were in right now

girl im hurting for you

you peeked out of the bathroom door and saw the coast was clear so you quickly ran to your classroom, which was thankfully empty, and quickly grabbed your things

but as you were packing up, the tears just kept falling

it didnt stop as you bolted down the stairs, using your cardigan to hide your face from the public

once you were safely out of school grounds, you finally took out your phone and reviewed through all the worried and concerned texts from the team group chat

but you just replied, ‘im fine but i just feel really sick right now. girl stuff’

you smirked, knowing that would keep the boys away

but oikawa had to go and ask you to call him

‘y/n-chan! do you want oikawa-senpai to come over with chocolates and ice cream?! wings or no wings?!’

your jaw dropped at the question and clearly scandalized by the question

the team was too as shouting began and you could faintly hear iwa scream, ‘oh my god, shittykawa!’

‘im seriously okay, oikawa-san. i just need to be alone right now and ill try and get some sleep. good bye’

then you hung up

there was no way you could tell them

they were in their last year anyways so doing something about it wouldnt matter

and you were strong

but apparently not strong enough to fight them off though

you would cover the wound with concealer and continue on with practice tomorrow as if everything was normal

but there was only so much you could take

just yesterday, they trashed your locker and a week ago, they took your bento and threw it away

you even got into a fight with this one girl but she scampered away, too scared to do anything alone

so you were actually just tired and want everyone to leave you alone

believe me, youve thought of quitting sometimes

but youve actually created a bond with these boys

like when you take hanamaki to get cream puffs whenever he loses against iwa in arm wrestling

or when yahaba calls you at ungodly hours to express his worries for next year and to fill oikawa’s shoes

it was simple moments that you shared with each player that kept you from not leaving

soon, you found yourself crying again and the looks pedestrians were giving you was starting to make you uncomfortable

a girl, with her gross hair in a bun, puffy eyes with a bleeding wound and walking down the street

that was a sight

so you cut a corner to an alley by your house to escape from the judging eyes and you were too busy wiping your eyes to see a boy who was crouched down on the floor and ended up walking over him

omg my baby kyoken hello luv!!!!

you gasped and you were surprised and quickly apologized

kyotani was originally about to yell at you, no matter what, but he saw the state you were in and concluded you were either from a fight or was beaten up

he recognized that and decided to just glare at you and go back to feeding the stray dogs and cats

you breathed a sigh in relief when he didnt yell at you bc that wouldve been the last thing you needed today

‘sir, im sorry for hitting you. if there is something i could do for you, dont hesitate’

he ignored you and you focused on him paying attention to the strays

going into your backpack, you had a milk carton and a sausage stick from earlier

you used your thermos lid to serve as the milk bowl for the cats while you peeled open the meat and used your scissors to cut chunks of it for the dogs to have some

kyotani watched as you went into action to feeding the animals that people usually ignored

he knew you

well, he recognized you

when he watched from the top of the gym, he saw you as their manager who ran around and helped everyone

sure, he still didnt trust you

but he watched you grin and smile as the animals started to eat

‘im in a hurry right now so i have to go but ill feed you again tomorrow, okay? you too, stranger-san. ill bring food for you too’

then you stood up and ran away, probably in a hurry to fix that wound

he wouldve offered to treat it for you but he remained silent, watching the cats mewl at the now empty lid

the next day, oikawa was worried for you and when he saw you at early morning practice, he practically glomped to your side

‘y/n-chan! you okay?! oikawa-senpai was so worried for you!’

you cringed but nodded

‘im okay, oikawa-san’

‘senpai, y/n-chan! call me senpai!’

‘im not going to feed into your kink, oikawa-san’

*cue everyone busting a lung*

to this day, no one still knew what happened to you

you kept it quiet and you were sure you got everything handled

except for one person

kyotani was smart and for some reason he knew you got beat up by the fangirls and the perpetrators were easily found bc he saw them huddled around your locker, probably trashing it again, and lets just say,

no one is def going to mess w you now

back to manager moments!!

during practice matches, the boys rally around you to prevent other teams from sweet-talking you

they make sure no one gets past them and always have excuses to get your attention

you knew what they were doing but you pretended not to, heart warming at their protectiveness and hunger for your attention

even though you have your own jacket, the team gives you theirs all the time like oikawa has his special team jacket w his name at the back and when he feels threatened by schools like johzenji, he makes you wear it

‘youre mine, y/n-chan and i want that blondie to know’

‘ehm, no, oikawa-san. im iwaizumi-san’s’

oikawa screamed

lmao training camps w them is CHAOTIC

YOU WANT TO CRYYYYYY

OIKAWA IS CRYING BC IWAIZUMI IS BEATING HIM UP, MATSUHANA ARE FREAKING OUT THE FIRST YEARS ABOUT THE GHOSTS IN THE WOODS AND NOW KINDAICHI REFUSES TO LET GO OF YOU, WATARI GOT LOST GOING TO THE BATHROOM AND YAHABA IS SCREAMING ABOUT THE WEATHER MESSING UP HIS HAIR AND MAKING IT FRIZZY

reminder: threaten to quit everytime they get too much

your hugs are the best!!!!

you have a special hug for every player

oikawa gets his favorite which was the normal arm around the waist with your arms around his neck while he snuggles in your neck

iwa gets flustered easily so you hug him from behind so you cant see his flustered look

mattsun actually likes the jumping in the air so he catches you type of hug

makki is more tame and has his arms around your shoulder with his chin on your head

yahaba is the twirly kind where he just picks you up and swings you around

watari also gets flustered easily so he likes the one-arm hugs

kindaichi gets blushy at the slightest touch from you but he gives you a hug from behind you himself where he can bury his face in your hair while you caress his arms

kunimi, now he likes it when you squeeze him extremely tight bc it makes him feel loved and feel alive

kyo doesnt even talk to you what makes you think you can give him a hug

their lost for shiratorizawa really broke them though

you made them their own bentos for nearly a week to keep them encouraged and gave oikawa extra attention to keep him from sulking or practicing late

‘oikawa-senpai, lets go watch that new movie later’

‘S-S-SENPAI?!’

then the arrival of our baby kyoken

yahaba was moody the whole practice and you were currently trying to keep him from spiking a ball to someone

‘even just today, he’s late’

‘who?’

‘that stupid dog’

he just keeps mumbling and grunting

and then the said dog arrived

you peaked out from behind iwaizumi, who protectively went in front of you

shock ran through you and you pointed at him

‘puppy-kun!’

lmao puppy what

youve called him that since he refused to tell you his name, but you call him that bc he paid special attention to this one baby beagle

he raised a hand in greeting and you gave him a smile

‘youre a player here, too?!’

he ‘glared’ at you but nodded stiffly

the team really thought that he would lash out at you but he is surprisingly tolerant

the power of the manager

he still hasnt talked to you but he does respond to you and even helps you with chores, still not talking ofc

hes so tsun tsun and he deserves my heart yall

however, youve heard him talk to iwaizumi, and iwaizumi only, so youve heard his voice before

ngl, you were flustered by how gruff and deep it was

then their loss to karasuno

bruh, it was KARASUNO

the entire team fell apart and after the match, each of them ran away from you to stop lashing out

you were also on the verge of crying, seeing the broken look on your third years

your precious third years

you decided to give them their own space but you heard a loud banging sound from the bathroom

yahaba and watari were outside, clearly trying to talk to someone in there on coming out but it got louder

okay you were lowkey like, ‘hm, i should not be here’

but you recognized that voice

you knocked at the boys door to be respectful

‘kyo-san? its me, y/n’

he was silent but he did unlock it

you took this as a sign to enter and you gave yahaba and watari a smile

‘i’ll be fine. go to kindaichi and kunimi. they need your comfort right now’

tbh, you were surprised the bathroom was still intact but you saw the stall door at the very end being rattled and shaken

you remained by the door but you wanted to go to him

‘kyo-san, please come out so i can treat your injuries’

he expected you to say those words like ‘its okay’ or ‘theres always next year’ but you didnt

instead, you knew he was hurt and wanted to help him

he continued to give a few punches to the wall and the door before emerging

you wordlessly treated the wounds and offered your hand

‘im here, kyo-san. dont worry, im right here’

at the ramen shop, you told them to eat as much as they want and wordlessly gave them your card, slightly crying inside bc you know this was going to be like over a hundred dollars

but you were treating the boys bc they deserved it

you sat beside kindaichi, who was just sobbing and apologizing, so you were wiping his tears and holding his hand under the table

this precious babie

bruh i was sobbing when i watched this part like uuggghhhh

after dinner, you walked with the other third years, knowing they would go to the gym, so you gave everyone else your special hugs before sending them home

‘text me when you arrive safely, okay?’

‘yes, mom’

‘KINDAICHI WHAT’

oikawa’s speech made you cry bc despite only knowing them for not even a year, you already feel like a family

you didnt want your family to be broken but you knew they would all go their separate ways eventually

there was a big hug pile of third years on the side where you took a picture and sent it to the group chat

you had to eventually go home after helping them clean up and when you checked your phone, a fresh batch of tears rolled down

each from every person on the team but with the same sentence and same words

‘we love you, l/n y/n. thanks for everything.’

ngl i dont think this was that good and its like 8 in the morning and im extremely tired

i want to do karasuno, nekoma, and fukurodani but im so exhausted i cannot right now

2K notes · View notes

sawyid · 3 years

Text

LOST character headcanons

here's a comprehensive list of my pronoun, gender, sexuality, and relationship headcanons for just about all the characters! this post will not have any spoilers.

when i say "with:" and list a BUNCH of people it doesn't necessarily mean that i think they're dating all of those people. by "with" it could mean anywhere from "dating and in love with" to "they banged once" lol. ill elaborate on which is which, tho. keep in mind i think that everyone on the island was definitely VERY sexually active and didn't give a fuck about keeping it a secret. i mean, they were all surviving on a deadly island together— why bother keeping secrets?

alex

she/they trans girl

bisexual

maybe polyamorous?

with: karl 🥺 they love each other so much

amy (goodspeed)

she/they gnc woman

lesbian

polyamorous

with: definitely dated juliet for a while while they had the chance, maybe even started crushing on kate

ana lucia

she/he/they/it gnc woman

lesbian as FUCK

monogamous maybe 🤔⁉️

with: maybe had/has a thing with kate? other than that i don't really know who she's compatible with

ben

he/it nonbinary (masc aligned)

gay aromantic

monogamous

dating john 👨‍❤️‍💋‍👨

bernard

he/him trans man

the only valid straight mf on the show

monogamous

married to rose

boone

he/she gnc man

SO SO SO VERY GAY

polyamorous

with: charlie, hurley, jin, michael, sawyer, sayid. id like to think he's dating all of them. maybe started off as a fwb thing but developed into more than that (looking at sawyer specifically)

cassidy phillips (sawyer's "long con")

she/her trans woman

lesbian

polyamorous

with: her and kate definitely had/have a thing

claire

she/they cis woman

bisexual

polyamorous

with: charlie, desmond, hurley, kate, sun. she's dating all of them! she's probably been ... intimate with desmond a handful of times too because they're both dating charlie. hurley is gay and not attracted to women, but he's definitely been in bed with claire a ton of times considering they're both in love with charlie.

charlie

he/they/pup pupgender trans masc

bisexual

so unbelievably polyamorous

with: oh good god here we go... claire, desmond, hurley, boone, eko, jin, michael, sawyer, aaaaand sayid! he loves them all so so dearly! i think he and sawyer definitely started out as fwb (like boone and sawyer). i just think charlie is very quick to fall head over heels. i love him so much 🥺

charlotte

she/it/they trans woman

lesbian

monogamous

naomi is her girlfriend

daniel (faraday)

he/they nonbinary trans masc

gay

polyamorous

with: desmond, hurley, jin, michael, miles, sawyer, sayid. he and desmond are CLASSIC soulmates. i mean, they literally invented the concept of the constant. they're so deeply in love that it's different from his other boyfriends. i honestly think he's also very quick to develop feelings! he and charlie totally would've been in love.

desmond

he/him gnc man

bisexual

polyamorous

with: claire, charlie, daniel, eko, hurley, jin, michael, miles, penny, richard, sawyer, sayid. i'd say charlie, daniel, and penny are the absolute loves of his life. i feel like everyone else he's definitely slept with on a few occasions at the very least. he and sayid are definitely boyfriends. hurley too <3

dogen

he/they gnc man

gay

monogamous

with: lennon

edward mars (the us marshal)

he/him cis man

straight, but maybe did a little experimenting in college ;)

monogamous

eko

he/they gnc man

bisexual

polyamorous

with: claire, charlie, desmond, hurley, jin, kate, michael, sawyer, sayid. of the people here, he's dating charlie, jin, michael, and sawyer. everyone else he had been intimate with/intimate at the same time as his boyfriends because of mutual partners lol.

ethan rom

he/him cis man

straight aromantic

monogamous

frank (lapidus)

he/him cis man

gay

non monogamous

with: richard :) and he's probably done it with dan, miles, michael, sawyer, and sayid a few times

horace (goodspeed)

he/they trans gener maybe 🤔

gay

polyamorous

with: pierre. sawyer and him for sure dated lol. and i'd imagine hurley, jin, and miles were never too busy to help out ;)

hurley

he/they/xe gnc amab dude

gay

polyamorous

with: boone, claire, charlie, daniel, desmond, eko, jin, michael, miles, sawyer, sayid. now with hurley i do think he was dating or at least crushing on everyone here. he has a lot of intimate experiences with these guys when they get together to have fun with charlie. maybe not eko so much? but idk i still think they'd be cute together. but his soulmates are charlie and miles. hurley is gay and not attracted to women, but he's definitely been in bed with claire a ton of times considering they're both in love with charlie.

jacob

he/him cis man

straight aromantic asexual

jack

i REALLY want to just say cishet, but i don't think that's entiiireellyy true... just cus i hate him doesn't mean i can ignore the truth

he/him cis man

bisexual but the type of mf to call himself "heteroflexible" or "heteroromantic bisexual" lmaoo 💀

monogamous

dating nobody ❤️ live alone and die alone ❤️

jae-young lee (sun's friend/ex boyfriend)

he/him cis man

gay

monogamous

with: that "girl" he went to meet in america was actually a guy and theyre gay lovers 😼

jin

he/him cis man

gay

polyamorous

with: boone, charlie, daniel, desmond, eko, horace, hurley, michael, miles, sawyer, sayid. he's just dating everyone here end of story. he and michael are soulmates tho 👨‍❤️‍💋‍👨

juliet

she/they/fae nonbinary (neutral) + gnc

lesbian

polyamorous

with: claire, kate, sun. they're all dating each other :>

karl

he/xe trans boy

bisexual

monogamous methinks 🤔 or maybe would be considered "non monogamous" because i think he'd be totally cool with alex also dating someone else alongside him

with: alex

kate

she/they woman

VERY bisexual

VERY polyamorous

with: claire, juliet, sun, sawyer. dating all of em! fuck jack all my homies hate jack.

lennon

he/him cis man

gay

monogamous

with: dogen

libby

she/they gnc woman

lesbian

monogamous idk

she was very obviously written into the show as the "romantic interest that hurley didn't have" but everything she does is some shit charlie would do. she's like charlie's cis-sona.

locke

he/him trans man

bi with a preference for men

monogamous

dating ben 👨‍❤️‍💋‍👨

man in black

they/he nonbinary masc

pansexual (aromantic)

monogamous

michael

he/him cis man

gay

polyamorous

with: boone, charlie, daniel, desmond, eko, hurley, jin, miles, sawyer, sayid. dating everyone!

mikhail

he/him cis man

gay

monogamous

miles

he/they trans man

bisexual

polyamorous

with: claire, daniel, desmond, horace, hurley, jin, kate, michael, richard, sawyer, sayid. i think of him as charlie 2 in that he is also a whore (/pos). he fucks to survive. BUT he is also in love with all these people. other than horace maybe, that was just a fwb thing. and i don't think he and kate dated but they've definitely fucked considering they're both dating sawyer, same thing with claire

naomi (dorrit)

she/her trans woman

lesbian

monogamous

with: charlotte

nikki

she/they cis woman

straight

monogamous

with: paulo!

nour abbed "nadia" jazeem

she/her cis woman

lesbian

monogamous

paulo

he/him cis man

bisexual

monogamoius

with: nikki

penny

she/her cis woman

bisexual

non monogamous

with: just desmond! but she loves her husband's boyfriends endlessly and has definitely been involved in the bedroom with them sometimes too

pierre

he/him cis man

bisexual

polyamorous

with: horace and lara (chang, miles's mom)

richard

he/they gnc man

gay

non monogamous?

with: he's dating frank and miles, but has also been intimate with desmond, hurley, jin, sawyer, and sayid because of mutual boyfriends.

rose

she/her cis woman

bisexual

monogamous

married to bernard

rousseau

she/her trans woman

lesbian

monogamous

sawyer

he/him cis man

he is also VERY bisexual

also violently polyamorous

with: boone, claire, charlie, daniel, desmond, eko, frank, hurley, jin, kate, michael, miles, richard, sayid. i think the only people here he isn't dating are claire, frank, and richard.

sayid

he/him, maybe he/they, gnc man

gay

polyamorous

with: boone, charlie, daniel, desmond, eko, hurley, jin, michael, miles, richard, sawyer. dating all of them! he's also been intimate with a kate pretty often for reasons that stay between sawyer, kate, and himself <3

sun

she/they trans woman

lesbian

polyamorous

with: claire, juliet, kate. dating all.

tom brennan (kate's childhood boyfriend)

he/him trans man

gay

monogamous

walt

he/they trans masc

he's a kid so im not going to headcanon a solid sexuality as that would be weird lol. some kind of mlm tho

extra: i care about him so much he doesn't get enough attention in the fanbase :( my bb had so much potential and the writers just decided to ignore him :/

shannon

she/her female

heterosexual

monogamous

with: nobody. ever. die. die a painful painful death millions of times over again

THE END !

that shit took forever to type out holy FUCK.

26 notes · View notes

isisparker · 4 years

Text

Candid

[The Rookie - Tim Bradford/Lucy Chen - Chenford fanfic]

word count: 3k a/n: first attempt at a Tucy/Chenford fanfic, so I apologize for mistakes and whatnot in advance! this was inspired by the latest episode as I wonder just how many humiliating pictures has Tim taken of Lucy and whether those are the only ones? also this takes place post- 2x12 “Now and Then” and, well, a bit canon divergence as have you...

Therein -- according to Jackson -- a folder of incriminating pictures of Lucy on Tim Bradford’s phone. Confirmed by Lopez that such files of Bradford’s rookies exist, Lucy reasoned it is all Jackson’s fault that she’s sitting in a bar bathroom trying to find said folder of herself. A folder on her T.O’s phone that she... borrowed...

Or what happens when Lucy steals Tim’s phone, Jackson becomes a frustrated accomplice [and a good soundboard-slash-wingman], and Tim does what does best: taking unwitting pictures of Lucy Chen.

~~~

It was all Jackson’s fault.

No, really it was!

It was all Jackson’s fault that Lucy Chen had locked herself in a bar bathroom, hunting down an elusive folder that legend says majority of young, bright eyed cops lost countless sleep over: Officer Tim Bradford’s Incriminating Photos of His Rookies.

Hell, she would have laughed off the very mention of such a thing had fellow officer-slash-roommate Jackson West not open his stupid mouth and verified its existence.

(Okay, to be fair, it all started because of a 488 and Lucy chasing the damn kid through a park where Surprise! a pie eating competition was being held and, well… after a spectacular header into the contestant table resulted in an arrest despite finding herself covered in meringue and whip cream, when her training officer held his phone up, gave his signature shit-eating smirk before saying “Geez, Chen, I’ll run out of space soon…”, which Jackson later speculated that Bradford probably kept a folder filled with Lucy-inspired exploits, and followed shortly by having Jackson’s own T.O., Angela Lopez, confirming that “Oh yeah! Bradford has folders of all his trainees’... uh… mishaps? Incidents?” “Humiliating moments?” “Your words, Boot, not mine.”; so you can imagine why her paranoia placed the entirety of this adventure all on her friend!)

Because let’s be real: no amount of sanity on her end would have resulted in talking a few unsuspecting colleagues into a night out at a relatively unknown (well, to everyone but Lucy, who had the foresight to check the area out) bar and pool hall, proceeding to needle her fellow rookies to distract her T.O., and then coming into possession of Tim’s phone (that she had discreetly, uh, borrowed from his person) in an attempt to break into-- no, wait, unlock it and save her future self from potential blackmail.

“Just say ‘deleting embarrassing photos,’ Luce.”

“Shut up, Jackson.”

“Hey! It wasn’t my idea for you to steal--”

“Borrow! I’m not keeping it. Just borrowing it…”

“Right…” She didn’t need to glance up at her friend to notice the disbelief oozing out of him. “It wasn’t my idea for you to ‘borrow’,” damn Jackson, she didn’t need to look up to feel his quotation marks, “his phone, just so you can delete the pictures he has of you. So why do I have to be your accomplice--”

“It’s not a crime to borrow a friend’s phone.”

“It is if he’s your T.O. and, oh yeah, he doesn’t know that you lifted it from him!”

Lucy waved her hand, “Schematics…” she murmured, trying to limit her attempts at his passcode lest she end up locking the phone for hours. She could feel Jackson’s eyes roll as she added, “And you’re not my accomplice. You’re my lookout. I just… need…” The distinct sound of a phone being unlocked briefly pierced the gender neutral bathroom that the pair of rookies were camped in, causing the young woman to do a soft congratulatory fist pump. “Aha! Got it!”

Another cellphone ping crisped the air, causing Jackson to make an inquired hum before emitting a small sound of distress.

Which meant that Lucy’s window of opportunity was closing faster than she anticipated.

“Luce,” Jackson started, “Nolan can’t keep Bradford preoccupied for long!”

Lucy’s eyes were focused on the cell screen, her fingers scrolling and tapping to find the folder that started this utterly insane journey. “Tim loves knocking Nolan down a peg or two. As long as Nolan keeps up the charade of losing, we have time!”

“But that was before Lopez and Harper cajoled them into involving money, Luce! Plus Harper is Nolan’s T.O! She’ll be able to sniff out his act faster than the other two!”

“Well then Nolan would be shitty at undercover work if he’s unable to keep his part up!” Lucy growled, “Just like you’re doing a horrible job at being my back-up! You’re supposed to keep quiet, communicate with Nolan, and let me find what I need to-- Oh my God, yes! I found it!” She felt Jackson jump immediately to her side, his curiosity gleaming out as strongly as her own.

Figuring on a longshot when she had seen a folder simply titled The Boots, inside of it produced multiple other folders labeled with various numbers that an ordinary citizen wouldn’t comprehend. But Lucy knew a badge ID when she saw one and quickly located her own as she scrolled through the column of numbers. Before she clicked on it to see just how many photos she’ll have to terminate, Lucy prayed that there wasn’t a lot of memory she’d have to delete, at least enough for Bradford to notice. Oh she figured on leaving a few (c’mon, her mama didn’t raise an idiot), but for her own dignity she hoped Tim didn’t gleefully capture that many embarrassing moments!

“Okay,” she breathed, adding a bit of levity, “let’s see exactly how sadistic my T.O. is…”

Lucy clicked on the folder… and blinked at it in shock.

One photo.

“What the--?” she gasped, staring at the single picture in her folder.

Jackson muttered a few curse words as he too stared at the folder’s content, knowing that they were in fact screwed.

The anxiety that had built up in Lucy’s stomach quickly twisted into dread as she took in the lone picture; an image of her uniformed T.O., one Tim Bradford, scowling and holding up a piece of paper that seemingly foretold what lied ahead beyond that bathroom door: BUSTED.

“Goddamn it!” Lucy groaned, slumping backwards until her head hit the stall with a defeated thud.

Jackson’s phone pinged a text message and Lucy didn’t need to glance over to know who sent it nor what it said. Her friend’s pale reaction spoke volumes.

“How screwed are we?” she asked, closing her eyes and truly not looking forward to all the burpees that man out there will be barking at her for the foreseeable future.

“We?” Jackson gasped, astonished, “Oh, Luce, there is no ‘we’ involved in this half-baked plan you concocted--”

“Hey--” she sat up, eyes blazing to defend herself only to shut her mouth over his continued tirade.

“--because of your desperate need to prove that your superior officer is either that big of an asshole to collect incriminating photos like trading cards…”

Yeah, if her eyes were lit to defend herself, they were definitely ablaze at the mere mention of her partner. “Tim is not--”she started to growl, only to still be bulldozed by her friend.

“--or, depending on how many photos he has of you, has some sort of underlying feelings beyond the professional that you may or may not be feeling yourself!”

“I… uh… What?!” Lucy felt sufficiently gobsmacked by Jackson’s words. She quickly picked up her jaw, lest she keep it open in surprise. Where the hell did that come from?! She even managed to utter her bafflement as much.

Jackson crossed his arms and leveled her with a look that was a mix between bemusement and pity. “Three words: Sad, Drunk Lucy.”

Lucy blinked up at him, genuinely confused save for the gnawing piece of her gut that says there is truth to his words. “Jackson, I…”

Jackson’s phone thrilled, interrupting whatever excuse seemed to want to slip from Lucy’s mouth. She had never been more grateful for it, especially as he reacted to whomever was on the other end, giving tense responses to them until he hung up. He regarded Lucy, more resigned than anything. “That was Lopez. She talked Tim into giving you a five minute reprieve before he barged in here demanding his phone back. She suggests we take it.”

“We?” Lucy echoed his reply, this time with mirth versus his own frustration. She looked down at Tim’s phone, fiddling with it nervously. “She called to save your ass, West. I think you should take it and leave me to my punishment.” Lucy heard Jackson’s steps reluctantly head towards the door. Her mind was already shuffling through various thoughts before she realized that the heavy sigh she heard wasn’t her own but from Jackson. She looked up, surprised to see him with his back resolutely against the door. He had his head tilt, curious, as he said, “You didn’t know.”

“Know what, Jackson?”

With a small smile, “That Tim Bradford and his -- quote -- ‘frustrating smirk that I don’t know whether to kiss or smack off his handsome face’ was the cause of Sad, Drunk Lucy.”

Lucy felt herself flush and knew immediately that the crush she had for her T.O., the man that had not too long ago literally pulled her up and out from a grave into light, wasn’t hidden quite as much as she had thought. Oh her mother would have a field day that she was susceptible to the Savior Complex!

She nodded her head sadly, “I was… slightly… aware of my crush on Bradford.” Lucy gave her friend a determined look, “It’s just a small thing, Jackson. Unrequited and easily managed.”

When Jackson snorted at her last few words, she narrowed her gaze and implored for an explanation. The man shook his own head, refusing to utter another word. Lucy stood up, about to demand for him to explain himself when Jackson gripped the door knob and said, “I’m going to do you a favor, Luce, and buy you some more time.”

Confused, “What? More time? For what?”

“To look for your folder.”

Lucy scoffed, holding up Tim’s phone. “But there is no folder, remember? This was yet another one of his stupid Tim Bradford tests! One that I failed, by the way!”

Jackson gave her a knowing look, “Lopez said that she saw it. But that it’s not what you think it is.” He opened the door slightly and proceeded to set the lock before he turned and added, “I can probably hold him back for another five minutes, Luce, but then I’m afraid he’ll end up kicking the door down.” He winked, “Good luck,” before disappearing from her sight.

What? The folder wasn’t what she thought it was? What was she to make of that?!

Lucy scrolled through the folders in The Boots, nodding as she concluded that she wasn’t mistaking them for other than badge numbers-- Wait a sec… She paused at a sequence that screamed out in haunting familiarity.

12919

Her hand unconsciously ghosted over a spot on the lower left side of her body. No. No... He wouldn’t. There is no way he’d use those numbers! No way that he’d use that particular date as a label to a folder of her most humiliating moments on the job! Tim wouldn’t be so cruel!

Lucy’s hands shook as she opened the folder, only to find to her dismay that it was indeed filled with pictures of her! She perused through, noting all the various moments of hilarity at her expense, and trying her best to remain calm and refrain from wanting to kick her T.O’s ass! Oh, she really didn’t need an extra five minutes, especially with her sudden urge to punch Tim’s face, no matter how infuriatingly handsome he is!

She intended to close the folder, the desire to verbally assault Bradford so strong, when her eyes caught a few abnormalities to her supposed gallery of shame. One was the photo they took at the hospital with the young boy that those two Instagramers had harangued. Another photo was of the two of them when Tim had gotten his commendation. There were a few more group pics scattered throughout and with the common trait being of the two of them sitting or standing next to each other.

And then there were the pictures that Lucy wasn’t aware had been taken of her! Some of them were taken in their shop, angled almost as if he had taken his phone from his pocket and took it with ninja-like discretion. Lucy noted that she was mostly gazing out the window in those pictures. A few had the light of the California sun emit a soft glow to her profile. Another batch of those had the shadows of the night sky cast around but never swallowing her. There was one that was taken while she was studying up on codes in the break room. A hard look of concentration with a hint of quirkiness when she had a pencil dangling from her lips. One picture had her talking with Nolan before roll call, her eyes sparkled as she was caught mid-laugh. Another picture was taken while they had answered a call near an animal shelter. Lucy couldn’t believe her luck when she talked Tim into letting her take a minute to look in on the canines! She must have been so enamored with the little creatures that her partner snuck a photo of her joy while she was cooing at one of the fur babies. On and on the different shots of her ranged; beyond the laughable moments to more delicate and lovely candids. Photos that exposed her in such a soft and unflinchingly human light that Lucy couldn’t help but feel her eyes water as she looked through them.

Lucy would have gotten lost staring at all these pictures had she not stumbled on a picture of herself in the hospital bed after one of the most traumatic experiences of her life. Or at least she assumed it was of her after the event, for the picture itself wasn’t a full body profile but merely a prominent shot of her hospital admittance band wrapped around her wrist. She held her gaze on the band, wondering why, of all things, it compelled Tim to focus on that particular shot.

Her eyes bounced back to the date featured on her folder and Tim’s voice weaved through her stream of thoughts. She remembered them to the point it became a mantra she buried within her heart.

“It wasn’t your day of death, Officer Chen. It was the first day of the rest of your life…”

Lucy mused on that, wondering… maybe even hoping? But hoping for what? Would she really, honestly, want what a piece of her heart is denying for fear of losing so much? She could stop. Just chalk it up to her T.O. having a secretive photography skill. Nothing more to ponder on. She really could stop despite the gallery of evidence literally in the palm of her hand. But Lucy couldn’t help but speculate if Tim himself saw that date not as a reminder of trauma but of feelings that was, maybe? possibly? born from that incident.

And boy did that thought take her breath away!

A little giddy at the idea that her feelings weren’t unrequited afterall, Lucy nearly missed the two harsh raps against the bathroom door. She, however, didn’t miss the bark of said man of current adoration as he called for her attention.

“I won’t hesitate to kick this door down, Boot, if you don’t get your ass out here! Now, Chen!”

Oh shit, she thought as she knew that he truly would cause such damage. She exited out of the photo app and swiftly shut his phone down. She quickened a glance at herself in the mirror, realized that she was presentable enough, and scrambled towards the door just as she heard him growl a countdown.

“--4, 3, 2…”

She swung the door open, looking up at him with her most dazzling smile. With the knowledge that she had gained, she wasn’t at all intimidated by his imposing scowl as he towered over her smaller frame. “Hi!” she squeaked, and wincing a bit at that sound. Okay so maybe he still instilled a bit of fear despite the fact that she knew how truly soft he was towards her.

Tim had one hand braced against the door frame while his other was on his hip as he leaned a little closer to her. His eyes darted up and down her person and she knew it was his way of making sure that she was physically fine. When he seemed okay with his assessment, his eyes pierced into her own and, well, Lucy tried her best to not look as guilty as she felt.

But there was a reason Tim was amazing at his job. “Chen…” he started, narrowing his eyes and holding his hand up, palm out. “My phone.”

Lucy was torn between acting petulant and feigning ignorance or just outright owning up to her misdeed. As she found herself in a staring contest with her seasoned colleague, Lucy realized that she had a better chance at coming out unscathed if she were honest versus dishonesty, no matter how playful an act she could put on. With a cheeky grin that she knew he found both infuriating and amusing, she pulled his phone from her back pocket and handed it over, and said, “Here you go… sir.” She hadn’t meant to add the address, nor meant to make it sound as sultry as she did if she had to go by his eyes briefly widening before becoming predatory.

He pocketed his phone but kept his gaze solely on her. The calculating look he had made her squirm and wow, she was in trouble, wasn’t she?

And because he knew her so well, Tim allowed a small smirk to slowly grace his face as he said, “You’re trouble.”

Lucy blinked, thinking she misheard him. She was about to voice as such before Tim shook his head, leaned in closer and clarified, “You heard me just fine, Officer Chen.”

She will utterly deny it to Jackson, goddamn it, that a small shiver fell through her when Tim used his authoritative voice on her. Just as she will deny the effect he had as he pulled back and grinned openly at her when he added, “Hope those photos were worth it. I know they are.”

Lucy gaped at his bravado, her mind racing as to how to properly respond to Tim openly candid with her. Before she could form a cohesive response, a flash nearly blinded… Oh no, he did not!

“Yep,” Tim smiled at his phone, already saving it into its designated Lucy folder, “That’s going into the Favorites.” He turned to head back towards the pool hall, but not before glancing back at his partner with a genuinely soft smile as he asked, “You coming, Lucy?”

Oh yeah, Lucy grinned, this was all Jackson’s fault, and she couldn’t be happier for it!

~fin~

#the rookie #chenford #tucy #tim bradford #lucy chen #my fanfic #tim x lucy #chen x bradford #otp: you know me so well #lookie i was finally inspired to fanfic!#i hope i did right by the fandom!

112 notes · View notes

headoverhiddles · 4 years

Text

Like A Heretic - Marilyn Manson x Reader [Fluff]

Synopsis: You know Manson from one (1) party, yet he feels the need to drunk text you his obscene propositions at 2 am on a Wednesday?

Notes: What?? I wrote a fluff fic?? Yea, it’s been known to happen. Shhh. Pale Emperor era. Also, this one is gender neutral, reader can be any gender!

You collapse into the plush of your down comforter, feeling the fluffy feathers sink beneath you. Smiling to yourself, you clear the day away in your brain, bulldozing over every worry, publicity problem, or stressed manager that could be dealt with the next day. For now, you’re in your bed, and nothing can come between you and a peaceful night’s sleep.

You cuddle into your pillow. The feeling you’ve got right now is comparable to a the perfect orgasm-- you never want to leave this bed. Your mind starts to drift, and you picture yourself on a beach somewhere, where no one can reach you. No one... no one... except that bee buzzing in your ear.

Groggily, you open your eyes. That’s not a bee. It’s your phone.

Dammit, why didn’t you put it on silent? You go to turn it off properly, but the text on your screen makes you hesitate. You blink a few times, squinting through the dark at your phone. Were you reading that right?!

Manson: Hey (y/n) psssst. I’ve got a secret can I tell you the secret

“What the fuck?” you mumble out loud, and sigh, turning on your bedside lamp. Manson? What... oh. Oh, yeah. About two months ago, you had attended a music awards event in New York, and had met a few new people. One of them had been Marilyn Manson. He had been a lot more down to earth than you had imagined he would be, and the two of you hit it off pretty well.

It struck you as interesting as well, but he had followed you around that night like a lost puppy. He always wanted to be around you, and it had been him who had suggested you exchange numbers, maybe hang out, go see a movie or something. You had excitedly given him your number, but didn’t think much would come of it. He probably got lots of people’s numbers, then forgot about them the next week.

So why was he texting you at... 2:13 in the morning?! You stare at the same text again.

Manson: Hey (y/n) psssst. I’ve got a secret can I tell you the secret

You bite your lip, and type out a quick text back.

(y/n): Shoot.

His reply is almost immediate.

Manson: I wanted to say when I saw you and we hung out at radio city last month you were cute really sexy n beautiful ad I miss you :( :(

You blush a little bit, but type back a cautious text.

(y/n): You feeling alright?

Before you can hit send though, another text from him comes in.

Manson: If you think I am drunk and handsome you are correct, i’m both

You giggle a little, and sit up fully. Manson’s drunk texting you, telling you you’re cute? This couldn’t get any crazier if you made it up.

Manson: Do you know what sexting is?

You raise your eyebrows.

(y/n): I’m familiar with it, yes.

You bite your lip. Should you add a winky face? Before you can, he writes back.

Manson: what if i told you I wanted to lick your body ad probably do butt stuff with you too?

You feel yourself heat up even more, and you don’t know whether to laugh or get aroused.

(y/n): You fucking with me, Manson?

Manson: I would like to fuck you, yes.

(y/n): So... tell me more, then. What else would you do to me?

Manson: Id cum on your chest

Manson: oops was that too far?

(y/n): No... go on.

Manson: maybe on your face then if you want that, I wanna be respectful

Manson: I’d also punish your sex hole. i’m really good at that

(y/n): You sound like a porn bot lol

Manson: dirty old man in your area looking for hot singles <3 that looks like a pointy dick

You giggle, and are about to sign off so you can sleep for real, but he texts again with something that makes you pause.

Manson: Wanna cum over?

You stare at the text, waiting to see if he’ll write again. You wait, and wait. Nothing else is coming in. You type out a few possible responses. Then you finally hit send on your last one, biting your lip.

(y/n): What’s your address?

Shit. Shit shit! What are you doing? Looking back at your bed though, you can’t deny you feel a thrill. This is the shit you moved here to LA to do.

---

Pulling up to Manson’s address, the place is just like him-- not what you were expecting. It’s a dark apartment above a liquor store, with black out curtains covering the window. You walk over to the stairs, and catch the door when someone walks out. Heading inside, you look down at your phone, and find his number. Apartment 15.

You knock softly, and wait. When he doesn’t come to the door, you shoot him off another text.

(y/n): I’m at your door, don’t leave me hanging or I’ll leave you with a hard on

He doesn’t respond, and you hear a moan inside. You frown, and try the door handle-- it’s open. You walk in, forgetting momentarily where you are, and see that the place is a relative mess. Piles high of books, records and movies are stacked along the walls, and there’s like, one dying plant by the darkened window. It’s laughable to assume the poor thing gets any sun, which is also a statement that could be applied to the rock star you’d come to sleep with.

A bunch of album artwork for his new record, the Pale Emperor, is laid out on his table as well. You take a quick glance at it, before dropping your jacket.

“Hey,” you call out, “I’m taking my top off! You’re gonna miss it if you don’t come find me!” You hear the moan again, and walk down the hallway. “Oh, fuck.”

“’M alright...” He’s on the floor, in a puddle, four small cats surrounding him. One rusty colored one is lapping from the puddle. Was this a Jimmi Hendrix situation???

“Please don’t tell me that’s piss,” you mutter, “Cause I am not cleaning that up.”

One of his four cats meows loudly. Manson just laughs. “It’s vodka. I slipped and broke the bottle.”

“That I can clean up,” you nod, but first, you help him to his feet. He wobbles a little, and falls into you. Pinned against the wall, his lips are inches from yours... until his head thumps beside yours, lips pressed into your neck. He’s so fucking gone. You look around, and spot the washroom down the hall the other way. You help him slowly, and he keeps talking the whole way.

“You’re so fuckin’ gorgeous,” he mumbles, “My brain camera remembered you were hot but I didn’t remember you being this hot... mmhm...”

“You still down to fuck me?” you tease, helping him sit on the edge of his bathtub. His eyes widen a bit as he licks his lips and points a swaying finger.

“Baby I was born ready to fuck. I came out of the womb with an erection.”

You cringe. “That’s... a very disturbing mental image.”

“You know what else is disturbing? My DICK.” He frowns a little, nose scrunching up. “But not for... it’s not disturbing, it’s just disturbing how big it is... or...”

“Stop, you’re turning me on,” you smirk sarcastically, and get a towel, dabbing his face down with cool water. “How does that feel?”

“Oh baby, you feel so good, fuck,” he moans, and you blink. God damn, he really is wasted.

“Good to hear.” You plant a kiss on his cheek as you sponge down his arms, and he purrs like a big happy cat, nuzzling into your chest.

“Do that again?” You smile, and lean in, kissing him again, this time closer to his mouth. Then you kiss him again, and again, each one earning more praise from the god of fuck before you. “Mm yeah-- oh yeah-- yeah yeah, right there-- yeah yeah right there...” He grins, eyes closing. “Mmm, delightful.” He blinks up at you, swiping a hand across his smudged eyeliner. “Will you... be my friend?”

“Sure. Friends to lovers is always a fun way to go.” He seems genuinely happy with this. “You know, you’re sexy too,” you say, helping him take his shirt off. You glance down his chest and stomach at his tattoos, trying to focus on the project at hand instead of actually picturing riding him right now. “I thought so the night I met you at Radio City, and I think so now.”

“Really?” he hums, reaching up in his stupor to put a hand against his chin. He suddenly seems bashful, and realizing how vulnerable he’s made himself, hides half of his face. “Even without my makeup?”

“Definitely. I happen to think you’re beautiful.” He purses his lips.

“You’re lying.”

“I’m not! In fact, if you weren’t absolutely shit hammered right now, I’d probably want you balls deep.”

He groans. “Fuck it if I’m drunk, that’s when I’m in my strongest form!” He slips a little, steadying himself on the toilet as he stands.

“I would disagree with that, but...”

“Besides, with all those compliments, you’re... you’re making my dick hard, see? And now it’s... ahh, it’s gonna be mad at me if I don’t... you know, fuck you, so...”

“Shh, for now try to walk straight.”

“Where are my asshole cats?”

“They were all watching you describe your dick to me,” you say, and he wags a finger their way.

“Dooon’t listen to daddy, my loves. Nonono. Bad. This is grown up human people talk!”

You giggle. “You must like cats.”

“I am a cat person, I love cats. That’s why I don’t give it doggy style, cause I’m a cat man. The crazy cat man. That sounds like a serial killer...”

You giggle, and guide him back down the hall. “Where’s the bedroom?” He lifts his chin to gesture to it.

“Last door on the right.” You help him into bed, and he tosses a pillow at a tall vase in the corner, sending it shattering. “Goddamn ghosts in my house, watching me sleep,” he slurs, and points wildly to his closet. “The sex toys are in there, if you wanna get yourself started...”

You smile, politely neglecting the sex closet of the rock star you’d been booty called by. Masturbating in said rock star’s home while he’s passed out shitfaced doesn’t look good for anyone involved.

“Goodnight Manson,” you sing song, and shut his door. Pressing your back against it, you exhale. What just happened?

You carefully walk over to the spilled vodka, and check the shards of glass. Thankfully no blood anywhere-- that would have been even worse to clean up. You grab a rag from the kitchen, and start mopping up the floor. One of his cats walks over from the bathroom, and starts to rub against your ankle.

“Well, hi. What’s your name, love?” You check the tag. “William. Very handsome name. Handsome just like your dad.” You sigh, as William follows you around the apartment. You feel like you shouldn’t be here anymore. It was a mistake-- he was obviously too drunk to do anything to or with you tonight. You should just leave. Yeah. Go back home, forget this ever happened and... maybe check in with him tomorrow morning, see how bad his hangover is. If he responds.

Just as you’re about to leave though, you hear his slurred voice call from the bedroom. “(y/n)--!”

You hesitate, then walk back in, shutting the door. You walk over to his room, and open the door. “Yeah?”

“...Get into bed with me? Please? Wanna hold someone...”

You look behind you, and then to him again, where he’s laying, tangled in his limbs, in the large bed. You nod, and close the door to a crack, coming in. You unzip your hoodie, and before you can come to your senses, you get into one side of his king sized bed. You hear him breathing softly, and smile a little at the sudden intimacy of it all, turning over in fetal position. Not how you expected this night to turn out, but it might be even better.

Just as you’re falling asleep in the bed of the Antichrist, you feel arms wrap around you from behind, and feel his head in the nape of your neck. Beginnings of rare stubble scratch your skin pleasantly.

“This an okay alternative to butt stuff?” he mumbles, and you reach up to hold his wrists against you.

“It’s perfect.”

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nutty1005 · 4 years

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(Fluff warning) Why is Xiao Zhan a god-tiered beauty? A deep shallow analysis…

Original Article:https://www.weibo.com/ttarticle/p/show?id=2309404476336126165027#_0 Original Author: 织世靳靳子

(TN: This is a fluff piece, written entirely by a fan to praise his good looks. There is also quite a fair bit of Chinese beauty standards in this. Enjoy the pictures!)

(TN: Also, beauty should be beyond gender boundaries.)

What properties should a god-tiered beauty have?

When you think of a god-tiered beauty, who pops into your mind immediately? Is this adulation, or is Xiao Zhan worthy of this praise?

When a person is considered a god-tiered beauty, it usually means that this person is flawless, but is this absolutely politically correct?

I think not.

Beauty comes from imperfection, and they do not need to be hidden, because vividness comes from such imperfections. Audiences can be very sharp – no matter how much “beautiful” labels you attach on a person, these labels will not stay if the person cannot uphold these labels. The entertainment business is full of attractive people, but when you remove the make up and filters, you can really gauge the true physical attractiveness of a person.

I got a lot of surprise studying Xiao Zhan.

When deciding if someone looks good, we do not linger on how big his/her eyes are, or how tall his/her nose is, but instead we look at the proportion and general aesthetic.

If you were to choose the magical touch on Xiao Zhan’s face, which feature will you choose?

I would choose his eyes.

The truth is that in terms of absolute size, Xiao Zhan’s eyes are not very big, but it stands out because of their aesthetically pleasing shape.

The shape of his eyes appears to be almond-shape (but more stunning), with a full lower eyelid and rounded upper eyelid. This gives off a sense of innocence when he looks up. In addition, the the shape of his eyes slant downwards but the outer ends hook up, and with the shadows of his thick lashes, which brings his shape closer to what the Chinese call “Phoenix Eyes”. All in all, the shape of his eyes is one of the rarest eye shape – “Favored Phoenix Eyes”.

The lines of his eyes have always been aesthetically pleasing, but this is further enhanced once he had learned to control his gaze (see X-Fire competition period). The focus of his face is on his beautiful and lively eyes, which elevates the entire aesthetics.

Inner eye corners are more rounded among the Chinese, but because his eyes are pointed and long, giving off a very oriental appeal.

If you study carefully, you will notice that his eyes follow an “S” line. His inner eye corners are rounded, the outer edges slant gently downwards but quickly end with an upward tilt. This is a very rare type of demure oriental beauty. His usual make up is very light and natural, but if there are additional touches on his outer edges, bringing emphasis onto the lines of his eyes, his aura will switch from harmless and innocent to sharp and aggressive.

You probably cannot stop yourself from imagining dating him

When he is not smiling, you can feel that sharp and aggressiveness off him. He gives off a nobility aura and he can keep up his appearances at any event.

In videos, his eyes are large and energetic, and so alluring, it is almost as though these eyes belong to an anime character or a CGI character. Given that we know that the camera would magnify flaws and moderate the overall aesthetic level, we can only imagine how he looks like behind that camera, and it is probably not that “normal good looking person” like he says he is.

Xiao Zhan does not depend on strong features – his brow bone and nose ridge are not tall.

Rounded features, not strong

If I were a famous director, I would be very satisfied with Xiao Zhan as an actor. In my Weibo pinned post, I spoke about how he does not depend on shading make up to sharpen his features, but instead, he depends on simply on lighting. This is evidence of his good bone structure. He does not have the standard issues of sunken temples or broad zygomatic bow (TN: the bone area to the side of the eyes) that are common among Asian faces; his zygomatic bow does not broaden sideways, but instead expands outwards proportionately. This advantageous bone structure shows itself most evidently in period dramas, where an aura of heroism is required. This balances out his soft features.

This is an unedited raw image from a HD camera – his features are simply enhanced just by lighting

This face of his looks good in any lighting. Under paramount lighting, his cheekbones stand out and makes his face even smaller. (TN: Smaller faces are considered more aesthetically pleasing in Chinese culture.) Under rembrandt lighting, his gaze becomes more vivid, and the shadows from his nose and cheeks makes the picture more dramatic.

The Chinese have 4 ways to describe dimensions on facial structure – tall, low, flat and sunken. Most Chinese faces have low nose bridges and sunken structure, and for those who have this, when seen on HDTV, their facial muscle movements can be very obvious. In the case of Xiao Zhan, his facial muscle movements are clean and his facial expressions are especially pleasing, even when expressing extreme emotions. In addition, he does not require special lighting and can even withstand odd lighting.

Looks good even when expressing extreme emotions

This is the true meaning of “no bad angles”.

This is a random screen capture off a HD video. Still beautiful.

Generally, if anyone of us takes a picture from this angle, we probably end up looking like crap, but Xiao Zhan looks as thought he had been touched by Aphrodite. His cheekbones is the olive branch from Cyprus; his lips are the roses from Damascus; his Adam’s apple is the shackles of Prometheus, Mount Kaukasos. From head to toe, he is the real life representation of the sonnets of Shakespeare.

His beauty is breathtaking.

He looks like he descended from anime-land, but yet more vivid than ever

At the same time, Xiao Zhan’s features are tight knitted and his eyes sit lower in his face. This gives him a general youthfulness, hence he seems a lot younger than his actual age. I have often felt that his face looks almost anime-like, and in some instances, his expressions make him seem almost unreal.

If we try to convert some of our favorite anime characters to actual humans, how would they look like? From the side profile, the eyes should be position lower, almost towards the middle of the nose bridge. However, it is very difficult for this to occur while maintaining proper facial proportions.

We can immediately see from this picture that the middle section of his face is not too long. A long middle section usually ages a person.

Under further study, you will realize that the mouth-lip area of his face is not too short either. However, his philtrum (the midline groove in the upper lip) is deep and slightly pointed upwards, which moderates the length visually.

The shape of his lips are rounded, but given his sharp eyes and tall nose, the “roundness” and “sharpness” matches in equilibrium, resulting in him looking incredible whenever he smiles.

I am an art student and I am studying his features simply from the angle of an art model, instead of the angle of his fan. The conclusion I have drawn is that his facial features are simply outstanding. Plastic surgery may be able to change the facial features, but will not be able to change proportion; moreover, we know that Xiao Zhan did not go through any of that.

In general, people with good facial proportions will standout in a crowd, more so with Xiao Zhan, who has great features, and these will be especially brilliant after he has good control of his facial expressions.

You cannot hide the smile even if you cover the lower half of his face

Xiao Zhan is an expert in facial expressions control. His smiles can be viewed over and over again, and they are not easy to recreate – I have slowed down GIFs to capture his expression sequence.

When bringing forth a smile, he will move the muscles around this eyes to bring up the outer edges, and this brings the joy onto his face even if you cover the lower half of his face.

He pays attention to the movement of the muscles on this brow and the area around his eyes, such that he is able to pinpoint the emotions in this gaze. This is actually not easy to do such that it looks continuous and natural.

The essence of facial expression control comes from knowing your weaknesses during the training done in front of the mirror, and correcting them. I’m guessing here that he spent a lot of effort in his training, not because he has a lot of weaknesses, but because he has always been very strict with himself.

This is his signature smile. He has a multitude of combinations in his expressions, none of them fixed in any categories but serialized, and recreated in sequence when needed. If not for that fact that he sweats so much, I would have thought that he is an AI, but then again, could AI create this magnificence? I think not.

Xiao Zhan’s signature smile is smooth and stunning – it captivates people because of his confidence and ease.

The entertainment business has always been filled with beautiful people, but what makes Xiao Zhan stand out is the purity in him. He stuns people around him his clear eyes and his innocent smiles – and we pray that he will never lose this.

I know this – with his good bone structure, he will remain handsome for at least another 30 years.

Xiao Zhan is not just a “top celebrity” of this area, but he will also become “that god of period dramas” some decades later, and he will continue to shine bright as an icon of this generation.

#xiao zhan #sean xiao #xiaozhan #肖战

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pasttorn · 4 years

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&&. HC MEME ✹ ROMANCE.

name: hakuji akaza

nickname: n/a

gender: cis male

romantic orientation: bisexual / biromantic

preferred pet names: husband, dear n/a

relationship status: married single ( verse dependent ) !

favorite canon / fandom ship: hakuji x koyuki. god but otherwise ? it’d be akaren / akakoku / akadouma ! ! maybe akamuzan ? but id k he’s too much like a Father figure to be too into it ( i’d have to plot it out / talk about it first ! ). unless it’s in modern verse, it’s kinda Hard to ship akaza romantically with others, because he’s always so detached about his feelings / can’t feel love for others ( that, & he’s always so quick to decide who he likes & doesn’t like, leaving little room for others to have a chance to change his mind about them ). so it’s mostly hateships ? but cries, soft ships with him are so, so good ! !

favorite crossover ship: i haVE NO IDEA FOR HIM ig the only time i’ll find a crossover ship for him is if i plot with someone-- but chances are it’ll be a hateship as well, unless it’s plotted out rly well / they somehow Dethaw the love out of him urgjfkmv

opinion on true love: he doesn’t really have much of an opinion on it ? in a modern verse, he might be more of a romantic & would think that it’s a thing ( at least, akaza would, rather than hakuji who’s more rooted to earth / realistic ), but in a main verse, he doesn’t concern himself with fleeting things such as ‘ true love ‘, especially with him being a demon & all.

opinion on love at first sight: yes ! he does it a lot. he decides whether to like someone or not a first glance, rarely giving anyone a chance to change his opinion of them-- so love at first sight falls in that category too. as a demon, it comes more as an obsession with what they can do, rather than love ( which can grow if given enough time to develop feelings for someone else / said person manages to drag the love out of him ) but in modern verse ? yeah, he tends to fall in love at first sight pretty easily-- but whether or not he continues to be in love is a completely different matter.

how ‘romantic’ are they?: he can be pretty romantic ! ! he’s very affectionate & will no doubt show how much he adores his partner at any given moment-- to the point they get tired of him, really. he’s as romantic as he can be ? not afraid to serenade his partner in front of a crowd in modern verse ( but in main verse, he’s only romantic after he’s regained his memories. otherwise, he’s quick to say he loves his partner, but usually doesn’t mean it the way it should be meant ). hakuji is pretty green when it comes to romance, & usually sticks to the cliche’s like giving koyuki roses for her birthday or mini presents & stuff. he’s not good at it, but he tries his best. moonlit dinners & just, cuddling with his partner / spending time with them are just their go-to romantic things though.

ideal physical traits: for hakuji ? koyuki. that’s it. that’s his type. she’s all he wants. as for akaza he ! ! prefers someone strong, yeah. they need to be able to hold their own against him or he’s Not Interested. hair long enough for him to pull during sex is also a plus, but that’s just an added extra.

ideal personality traits: for hakuji, look above ^ ^ ^ ^^. as for akaza ! ! personality doesn’t matter to him much, when it comes to partners. idk if there’s a trait for it, but i guess not giving up on him is one ? so patience, i guess ? idk, he’s very fleeting-- at first they’d need patience to deal with his constant pestering, but ? ? especially once he starts getting attached to someone / starts recovering his memories; he tends to distance himself a lot & get into sudden mood drops, so his partner’d need to be patient enough with him to just, keep him by their side / remind them that he’s not as worthless as he thinks himself to be.

unattractive physical traits: none for hakuji ! he loves everything about koyuki. for akaza, it’d be being physically weak i guess ? he hates anyone who can’t match him in a non-serious brawl, so that’d be something.

unattractive personality traits: greedy, weak willed, easy to manipulate, impulsive, people who’re quick to resort to violence, anyone who does foul play / bastard moves, weak people in general basically himself

ideal date: he doesn’t have any ! he just wants to spend time with the people he loves / enjoys the company of. he doesn’t need anything else than that-- as long as the person he cares about is happy & is enjoying their time, it’s the most ideal date imaginable.

do they have a type?: for hakuji, it’s just koyuki. she’s his type. for akaza, anyone that can parry his fists & fight back against him is good in his book ( as long as they’re not underage, that is ). might not be a romantic attraction until much later & lots of hard work, though !

average relationship length: his only relationship / engagement lasted only a couple days-- a week or two at most.

preferred non-sexual intimacy: him being able to drape himself over his partner ! holding hands ! sleeping next to his partner ! for just akaza; he loves whispering dirty / sweet nothings into his ( romantic ) partner’s ears, even while in public-- so that’s something. he’s strong against sex related stuff, but he ( & hakuji ! ) are weak to cliche’d / wholehearted softness, if you wanna melt him, that’s the way to go !

commitment level: hakuji is completely committed to koyuki-- he’d give his life for her in a heartbeat. akaza... depends. if it’s before recovering his memories / a hateship sort of deal, he’s not very committed to those sort of partners. to those who stick around for long enough, even after he starts distancing himself / recovering his memories, he’d ? be 100 % committed to them, all the time. nothing would be more important to him than his partner, in that situation.

opinion of public affection: hakuji gets easily embarrased by it, but he’ll hold hands with koyuki at any moment in public ! but akaza ? oof, it’s his THING. he does anything he can with pda that his partner’ll let him do. hand holding ? kisses ? hugs ? a full on make out session ? talking about his sex life / what he wants to do with them later on that day out loud ? he’ll fit in anything he can fit in until his partner says that they’re uncomfortable with a certain thing ( which he’ll promptly stop doing ). but he’s very into pda.

past relationships?: koyuki none.

tagged by : @kyoanikis ( hell yeah B) ) tagging: @lcnguor, @sorunnin, @eldestchild, @notevenjupiter, @feralquirks, @chaotiquetm, @sleeploved & anyone else who wants to ! !

#『 ☓ HEADCANON → ‘ AKAZA ‘ 』#under read more bc it got long + spoilers ! ! !

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prithi-posts · 4 years

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My utopia is literally a place where I don't have to feel overwhelmed and overpowered when trying to express myself professionally or emotionally, because of overbearing aggressive forces of masculine energy. I want to feel at peace when I am outside, and I don't want to feel threatened or violated. I don't want to feel like it's my responsibility to educate men to be better, because it's emotionally exhausting and I always find myself doing that when I'm hurt.

Okay, so the space I would imagine is the wild from Madagascar where alex goes like who's the cat Im the cat. And there would be no gender like no dicks or vaginas, And anyone could fall asleep anywhere without any fear, And it would be summer all the time And everyone minds their own business and are introverts somewhat Also the houses should be made of clear glass

Earth’s balance has been restored. We accommodate/conform to nature rather than dominate it. • Live music is played in every restaurant • Artistic expression is seen as essential to childhood development • Education is provided to all who seek it wherein history is taught from multiple perspectives, science is taught as tried and true, and language is taught as adaptable and ever-changing • Homelessness eradicated. • Plenty of public spaces where children can run around freely and people can gather without fear & without having to buy something • Dressing colorfully isn’t deemed unprofessional • We can communicate with animals which allows us to respect their space and autonomy 4. I guess my version of a utopia would look kind of like a combination of nature and modernist architecture (visually). Like a bunch of glass and wood buildings with trees. And some luscious as fuck gardens. I don’t know I was watching this thing on Japanese homes so I’m kinda obsessed with that right now.As far as the values of the society, I envision a utopia where education of all kinds is accessible to all people. And, it’s mad cheesy, I see it as a society where acceptance and respect have more value than wealth. Where all people are considered equal, yet everyone is able to laugh at their differences without hate behind it. I imagine there would only be public forms of transportation, excluding bikes and the like. Or we would have at least developed some super modern version of a car that doesn’t run on fuel. I don’t really know if I am doing this right? But I would just want it to look real sexy with lots of glass, modernist architecture and nature. As well as a high focus on providing equal opportunity for all people. Where money doesn’t get you the education that all people deserve. 5. My utopia is a beautiful jungle with all my best friends, mother, khalas and my sisters. We are able to talk to animals, and for some reason I’m imagining the hybridity between humans and animals so I’m half tiger, like the one from fantasia. Our main goal in life is to discover the rest of the world at our own pace, so we are travellers. We go everywhere and visit the sites and places that already exist in the world but there is no one on earth besides us. 6. My utopia would probably be a world where I’m completely alone ... I think that so much of my anxiety about living stems from an inability to feel a true connection to anyone or anything. Which I recognize is an internal problem, hence the isolating factor of this dream. When I think of inner peace I imagine my body floating in a pristine blue lagoon, held by the cusp of a mountain range. Everything is kaleidoscopic; the veil between worlds is thin enough to transcend each plane (my personal philosophy follows 7 planes of existence but you don’t need to make all of those lmao) if needed. What is important to me about this utopia is being able to exist without any kind of surveillance. There is no entry point to/for the other; it’s simply a place to play and experience the corporeal body as it is 7. I think my idea of a feminist Utopia is firstly very green. It’s tech heavy but in a very green space in a perfect future where the world fixed climate issues- it’s a really integrated system like you know that one green skyscraper that they’re gonna make? And i think it’s just very tender and the world is large but made of small moments if that makes sense There’s no rushing, there's a real focus on process as we have moved from a capitalist pace and everyone creates because it’s a human urge 8. My Utopia is my abuelitas house, where the candles are always lit and it always smells like a restaurant. My sister is doing everyone's birth charts and my abuelita is telling us ghost stories. The recurring dream I have of this scene is a more dimly lit space but with more colors and with my dog chocolate who recently died. 9. I want my Utopia to be all pink because that's the utopic color I’ve sort of planted in my consciousness. It’s not just pink, but rainbow. There are butterflies and animals everywhere. When you zoom out of it, it looks like a doll house but we can use the sims principle to build our own little worlds for ourselves. We can walk into the little blocks anytime we want and we all help each other build these worlds (only females) 10. Venus flytrap that sucks in rapists, A sky where you can actually see the moon. Clean air maybe? A truck which transforms your plastic into wax crayons, Wonder woman belts and capes, Virtual Lenses that let me see my notes when I'm going through social anxiety, Nails that transform into weapons, Fecal-matter vibes for humans 11. The setting of my Utopia would be set in a South Asian setting with the busy streets and markets and the same architecture. I would like to add gothic architecture in my Utopia as well just because I always felt like I wanted to see how those two forms of architecture would mesh. Except I would want to see all of this as a cyberpunk scene with bright neon lights and space shuttles at all times. So women actually could walk freely at night in the midst of bright lights and escape into space anytime they would want to on the streets of India. I would want to live in a huge castle with my friends and wear jewelry and bright clothes. I would want men to live in my world actually, but I don't want to be in proximity with them? And they would just live their own lives but with ‘reversed oppressed roles’ hah 12. My Utopia is like that crazy mixture of lisa frank/barbie fairytopia and hot topic. Except I can talk to my cat and only my best friends and mom exist in it. There is also nature but also robots. You can see the moon and the stars at all times 13. Firstly I think feeding and farming takes up most of people’s physical labor and time. I think the only reason we work is to feed ourselves thrice a day and that is super unnecessary. I wish eating wasn’t a thing in my Utopia, just to get rid of that excess labor. I do want fruit trees and nature to exist though but each fruit would have its own healing powers that came with it. In this Utopia there would be a Matriarchy. I would want my Utopia to look like the Botticelli ‘Birth of Venus Painting. I want to live in huge seashells as houses. There is romance, love and friendships but there is no monogamy, because I think monogamy instantly makes any world dystopic. I think female friendships should be celebrated more than the romance between a man and woman in Utopias. If there is that kind of hetero bullshit mentality there should be no masculine and femnine traits that can affect those kind of relations despite not being monogamous. I would also want to have contact with the other planets in my utopia. 14. Probably definitely no men. I don’t really care if they exist and aren’t here or if they don’t exist i just don’t wanna see one unless i wanna ya kno? Also any homophone or terf or anything is immediately comically ejected out of the city like with a big spring. Actually, they’re ejected directly into a classroom that teaches them to be nice, they deserve a chance i mean what if they’re like 11. I don’t really have any specific aesthetic ideas of what it would look like. God id love to be able to walk around without fear, especially at night. But like aesthetically ya kno ya girl goth. I want drama i want pizazz. I want houses with two long staircases inside. I want ppl out on the streets looking like those fecal matter fashion ppl. Just some wack ass hunger games body mods bcuz when women r left alone i bet they’d all go crazy go stupid. I want the Winchester house with doors leading nowhere and staircases that go into the wall. Not to sound cliche but i looove gothic architecture. Like all the spikes and arches and tall tall spires. I also rlly love the concept of New Orleans. I imagine irl it isn’t how it is in my head but in my head it’s so soooky and magical. Just like witchcraft and vampires and everyone’s wearing silk and velvet or grunge clothes or like chunky sweaters. But just everything is so so old and haunted but the ghosts are nice and the cemeteries bang 15. In my Utopia I would like to walk into my office space without my male coworker making a sexual comment to my face without me giggling at it so I can keep my job and professionalism. I would like to be able to walk at night without thinking where I kept my pen to protect myself if someone attacks me. I would like to go out in NYC at night with my female friends without thinking I need to bring a male friend so he can shoo away the men who don’t let us dance on the dance floor. I would like to be friends with more males without having my brain tell me he might have a different intention with me. I would like to live in a world where if I tell someone I got abused they would believe me and understand I would have no reason to lie about it. Since it's not that simple I would like to live in a world with no men. Women would have tentacles that slapped them out of present day earth and we elevated as a human species where we have wings and our own thrones. The children are generated into angelic creatures where they co-exist with older people and there is no hierarchy. We finally get to live in a world which we deserve. 16. My Utopia is our current day world. Except I wouldn’t want my life to fall under this capitalist framework. There is Utopian socialism in my world. Everyone works together and there is no racism, sexism or xenophobia. Basically remove everything that is wrong with our modern day systems which is almost everything so i feel like i shouldn't even go there but you get the gist. There is no poverty, no diseases, no homelessness. 17. There is death but from a young age we learn to lose our loved ones and hopefully no one in this utopia will have to go through losing a loved one. Trauma and pain do not exist. I guess men shouldn’t exist? But they should! and they should learn how to be emotionally intelligent without having their mother/partner teach them. There should be no gender identity or internalizing the incarnation of heterosexuality. There should be more queer people out on the streets, if heterosexuals can show public display of affection so can queer people (but honestly lets cut the part out where I said hetereos can show PDA). There should be more celebration of friendships. Lets romanticize friendships instead of monogamy. That's my utopia itself. I guess in terms of my personal Utopia I would still want to be in my marriage (if men do exist) but I would want the narrative of co-dependency to disappear. I think in Utopias I wouldn’t want to live in the same house as my husband, at least not at 28. I need more freedom and independence spatially and I’m slowly preaching how marriages don’t need to be codependent and people need to have their own spaces and practices if they want to reach their ultimate utopian space. (idk how you can show marriage as an institution lol) Visually there should be no high rise buildings, and I’m sure there's space for every person in the world to have a home regardless. I would want to see coconut trees, gardens, and lakes around me, and everyone should have space to run around, play and swim!! 18. My Utopia is in the landscape of what hell looks like on Betty Boop and Looney Toons cartoons. There are gates to hell and only abusive men walk through it as we all sit on our thrones and play the role of God. We all hold our tridents with our pets sitting next to us. My cat evolves into a wild panther and eats the men who don't cooperate alive. But the only reason hell exists is to reverse the roles now. Men face the abuse and oppression we and our mothers went through on planet earth. They have a microchip inserted in their brains and play out the roles of everyday women's realities. If they finally learn and understand they can finally go back to earth and try to be decent human beings. If they don’t they are stuck in the role of an oppressed woman their whole lives. The surprise guests in this hell are slave owners and the microchip is inserted in their brains so they can experience what slavery was like as a slave. If they learn from the experience they have the option to set those slaves free and if they don’t they will be incarnated (Octavia Butler whomst!!) 19. My Utopia is Cairo, in that cliche Egyptian setting except with rainbow pyramids and a little more cyber-punk esque. We live in a middle eastern matriarchy. We ride our magic camels. I want it to be techno futurist? So there is technology but we aren’t addicted to tik-tok and instagram for gods sake. I want there to be lakes and oceans where there are mermaids and sea creatures and right now i'm imagining a huge octopus in the middle of the ocean with our houses built on top of the octopus. 20. We are all beings that can either choose to be corporeal and have a physical body or just be a floating consciousness. We can switch in and out of these forms. 21. We can modify our bodies in any way we please just by thinking about it. If you want to be a squiggly plant thing or a fucking circle or a humanoid, it’s up to you. We can talk to/communicate with ‘animals’ and we live in an interspecies society without species hierarchy. Nature first Or better yet, we are indistinguishable. Gender does not exist. Money doesn’t exist. Healthcare is based on kindness. Everyone goes through an hour of ego dissolution once a week. When you die, you acquire all of the Universe’s knowledge 22. utopia is onenessinterconnectedness of all beingsi ask ‘what can i give’ all animate beings, of all types, shades of colorsfruitsbeachi can be as femme as i want without threats of sexual violenceno sexual violenceanimacy of every being is respected + sacredcolor color color color color coloremotional intelligence, taught and centeredrelationship with the land, grown and inherentlive of, live from, live with the landeveryone is teacher and studenthierarchy is ok, as long as for function, not powerguided by the logic of loveheld in the story of abundancecreativity is the fabric of the world, color is the threadlonging for collective liberation is the needleutopia is the potential of knowledge we all have inherent to usround and full possibilitiesutopia is lacking the language to say utopiabecause the english language was not designed for liberation pleasurable freedombut i know it includesmy grandmalogic of lovegood boogie any time day or nightpracticing abundancecolor always aboundtropical beach, tropical mountainsqueerness, indigeneityreciprocal relationshipsspaces to listen and see each other in fullnessnon harmingsex without shamepleasure in the everydayit’s possiblein utopiautopia is the wholeness of all beings, seen and respected,voice of all beings, heard and heldbeing over achievingcreating over controllingfreedom in spirityearning for expansion satisfied by internal growthgains made creative and wisdommultiple realities coexist and respect each otherchoices made out of ever expansive possibilities for the present and futurecollaborationspatial awarenessflexible physics, flexible materialityflexible and humble realitycross dimensionalno hierarchy of beingsi tell my friends i love them and i mean itmy friends ask me if i need anything and they mean itUtopia is I bodyevery interaction informed by the dramatic improbability that i am conscious and the delectable sweetness that i am able to witness the worldThe mountains and the forest and the waterfalls and the blooming flowersall liberatedNonviolence non-entitlement Empowerment, self actualization, tenderness Shadow self held, not castawayAlignment and ritual with the cycles of the seasons, the planetsembodied knowledgecollaboration above individualismall abilities sacrednothing can inflate or deflate self worthdiffering opinions can move in the same directionno one needs power over anotherplentiful food, water, time, energydaily sunset and sunrisespatial awareness rooted in wholeness, interconnectedness with other beingstaught how to hold fear’s hand and bring it along with ussensitivity, vulnerability as valuesflexible appearance

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ikwinsty-blog · 5 years

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Queer Arab Experience

FULL WORDS QUEER POC/ARAB PROJECT.

@antonss123 - There's no better time to be QTIPOC than it is to be RIGHT NOW. I am so proud and honoured to be a part of such a beautiful, free-spirited and loving community. I found my family away from family and I couldn't be any more content. I perform in these spaces and make it very clear that I am proud to be who I am and the message spreads across to everybody to believe in themselves and love themselves. If you ever feel that you are segregated; then DO MORE. SHOW YOUR CULTURE AND DONT BE AFRAID TO EXPRESS IT ANY WAY YOU WANT. There is no RIGHT or WRONG ; so just DO. 🌈🌹🦋

@nessuhifa - As soon as I understood the role I played in my life, I started spending the rest of my childhood and teen years, feeling cheated and angry for being 'chosen' as someone who is to live their entire life as a Gay and Black person, with a Muslim family. I very quickly as a child understood that the media I consumed, the society I lived in and the religious texts I read in the Mosque, all were telling me in different ways, that it's not ok to be who I am and in some cases told me, that it's not possible to be who I am (Which is low key mad, cos I'm literally right here...) It took years of self-doubt and self-hatred, for me to realise I could not continue living with this anger at the world and at myself and that it was slowly only killing me

So I changed, not my sexuality or race (bcos that's literally impossible...) but, I changed my outlook, I finally got to a place in my life where everything that defined me wasn't a negative factor in my life, that I could use these things to connect to the world better, that I was actually lucky that I was given these factors. I had to shut out and stop listening to all these mortals, telling other mortals how to live their own life, in order for me to find some peace in the chaos I was born in. In other words, I had to look inside myself, like my oldest friend and just trust the voice within- Yes, I'm ending this with Christina Aguilera lyrics because she truly made some points in that song.

@bilmian - Queer identity has always existed amongst the ummah, yet we allow unnecessary hatred towards a community who were created in God’s own divine vision. Being both muslim and queer has always been challenging growing up, battling with my inner demons whilst also trying to keep up with standards set for me before birth, gaining this balance of both peace and love was something I achieved in my early 20’s realising that God loves me for who I am, even if I am looked down upon by other so called muslims. I find it funny how being homosexual is haram yet people act like being homophobic isn’t, nowhere is the Qur’an does God preach about being hateful or phobic towards another minority. In fact the meaning of Islam is to love and respect one another, not to incite hatred.

When I first heard about Omar’s project I was intrigued to see how he would make this work without imitating other existing queer content out there, but from what I’ve seen Omar wants to add an aspect of futurism into his work, making a statement that this is the future, a tolerant and loving society towards everyone. When I wake up in the morning I don’t want to feel a heavy heart filled with anxiety and depression, living in constant fear of my Lord, worried that I won’t be truly loved, it’ll take some time but rather than being so hesitant towards each other this community needs to stand strong and support eachother, all of our brothers and sisters, of all colours, ethnicities, genders and sexualities, ensuring that we have a bright and positive future ahead of us.

@mossymugler - For the longest time I thought I had to be either Queer or Palestinian but never both at the same time. My mind couldn’t make the connection that Queerness alongside my Palestinian identity is a driving force in the face of liberation from Zionism. This I come to now realize, is a form of colonial control. As I look into the historical archives of the Arab and Muslim world I see how sexuality and gender fluidity were never an issue of conflict. It was completely normal and even celebrated to be queer.

The ottoman empire wrote legislation on this in 1858 recognizing queerness but it was only after British mandate law was instated in 1937, that it was criminalized and homophobic attitudes sprung thereafter. I blamed my “Muslim parents” or “Arab upbringing” for a lot of my self- hate, although that’s somewhat valid cuz it’s my experience, I realize now that they’re also victims of colonial trauma and need help unlearning colonial homophobic behavior. Being Queer and Palestinian has given me the tools to work on collective liberation for my people and I pride myself on my identity now more then ever before.

@metalfemme - As a queer + trans Muslim born in Pakistan and raised in the us post 9/11 and during the war on terror, I grew up feeling as if i had to pick and choose parts of my identity to express at certain times. I’ve always been hesitant about visibility and representation politics but learning about other queer and trans Muslims has helped me come into my own identity over the years.

As an artist, I feel that creating art has helped me bridge the false logic of dualism, which was built up through western enlightenment discourse and weaponised against queer Muslims via orientalism, capitalism, etc. Through experiencing and partaking in different forms of art, I have learned that I can simply exist within the vastness of myself. Also drawing upon theory and philosophy by scholars like Crenshaw, Marx, and Ahmed has helped me form the language to describe my material condition in this world. What id love to see is my peers putting in work and being critical of the ways

@mstfuh - The hostility I’ve faced oftentimes comes from the moments when I was hiding. It’s when I’ve been invisible, or unseen, that pain was most burdensome. I think these periods of hiding showed me the true colors of my communities and whom to stay away from, or whom I see light within. Being open with who I am and what I believe, surprisingly, hasn’t led to the isolation I anticipated when I was younger. I haven’t left my communities, but some have left me. I’ve carved space out in those hostile places I identified throughout my hiding, because I still derive great value and wisdom from the communities I was raised. And living my truth has taught me to leave parts of my communities that will never love me how I used to admire them. I think this is what it means to live your truth and be open. Living in honesty is not only facing the communities that’ve only known you in hiding, but it’s also choosing people and families within those communities that tend for you the ways you long for. It’s about holding firm space in a world that doesn’t want me to exist through a community that has existed alongside me for as long as I can remember.

@arabqueer - I never considered being gay a problem or a personal issue until people made me feel uncomfortable and insure about my same-sex desires. I developed attractions towards men around the age of 9, but it’s not until the age of 11 that I began to feel insecure about it. Why? Because around 11 I became more aware of people’s repulsiveness towards homosexuality. I wasn’t sure yet of the reasons, but I just knew that a lot more people than I imagined didn’t like or accept boys who are attracted to boys.

But it’s also the heteronormativity that played a huge impact on my insecurity: the lack of queer/gay representation in every aspect of society made me feel like an outsider. I was already getting teased on towards the end of primary school, but It only got worse when I left primary school and entered secondary school. For three years in a row after primary school I was bullied almost every single day for my femininity and my homosexuality. The strange thing is that I wasn’t actually out yet, but students just suspected I was gay because of my femininity. The secondary school i went was attended by many immigrant/brown students. There was another gay in the school but he was white. No one ever bullied him, at least not like me. For some reasons, being gay was worse for me bc I was brown. Almost like homosexuality/queerness is a western/white phenomenon. During those three years of bullying, I turned to my family to seek refuge from the hate I was getting at school but I realised at first that I was not gonna get any support from my relatives either. It was quickly made clear to me by my relatives that my homo desires were not compatible with my ethnic culture, with Islam, with my country of origin, and with my family’s values. This is an issue we face as Muslim/brown queers: we are told by our ethnic community that our sexuality isn’t compatible with our culture or with Islam, we are judged too “westernised” but when we turn to the western gay community we are judged too “ethnic” and we are asked to give up on our culture/religion bc it is deemed, again, incompatible with LBGTQ rights. Therefore, we feel like a misfit in both sides which leads to a struggle in identity. And so we, as brown/Muslim queers, face rejection by both our own ethnic community and the west’s white gay community. And so I isolated myself until i took the courage to come out to my mother. I had to accept my sexuality first before I could come out to my own mother. It was hard at first. She wasn’t evil towards me. She continued to give me all the love I deserved. But her hostility and dislike of my sexuality didn’t stem from hate or homophobia, it stemmed from fear. The fear that her son could be hurt or rejected for his desires. I did have to come out to my mother a second time, about 4 years after I first came out to her, in order to make sure we were on the same page. So in the end, it took my mom some time to fully accept the reality and she has definitely learned a lot from her son’s sexuality. In exchange, my mom taught me that Islam doesn’t speak of homosexuality. And so my mom brought me back to Islam when I was leaving it.

It’s now been approximately a decade since I first experienced same-sex attractions and it’s been an incredible journey. 7 years ago when I was bullied I would have never taught that I’d be where I am right now, comfortable with both my sexuality and my religion. I now stand up against any homophobe. But it required from me a lot of research about homosexuality in Islam and research about human sexuality thru cultures and time, it required me to accept myself first before I could expect anyone to accept me, it required me to challenge heteronormativity and masculinity vs femininity in my brain, it required me to grow thicker skin which I was able to get through those years of bullying, it required me to analyse and understand homophobes and why they are homophobic, it required me to move to my country of origin Morocco for two years (a Muslim nation that criminalises homosexuality) to finish high school. It required me all these things, critical and independent thinking, and more in order to be where I am right now embracing my queerness.

For brown and Muslim queers in the west I have feeling it will get better than it already is. I feel There’s more inclusivity and more unity as I see brown and Muslim queers engaging in conversations and taking the necessary actions to gain more representation both in the broader society and within the LGBTQ community itself. I see more brown and Muslim artists that are open about their sexuality, spaces such as clubs and even mosques that bring together brown queers. However there is still some work to be done. I still see a lot of toxic and racist orientalism coming from white gays and the wester media doesn’t publicly speak much of the persecution and oppression queers face in the non western world. But overall, in te west, we are on the right path.

In the non-western world there has been very little improvement. India and Angola are the only two countries who have recently decriminalised homosexuality. In Turkey the LGBTQ pride has been canceled for over 5 years in row now. I follow a page on Instagram which documents stories of LGBTQ individuals in the non-world and the persecution they face and it’s horrible. Shocking. There is still a lot of work to do for the liberation of brown and Muslim queers in the non-western world. For the situation to get better it will take time and a lot of effort. I’ve lived and studied in Morocco for over two years. I was able to interact with homophobes there and I know how they think and why. First the problem comes from the state, which mixes politics and religion. That’s a problem because as soon as you implement religion in the nation’s laws you are directly and inevitably imposing religious beliefs on an entire population. This blocks the way for freedom as you are already forcing a population to submit to a specific religion by its laws. A society cannot be free when it is being imposed laws from a specific religion. So in order for us to move forward, the mentalities must change. To change the mentalities, religion and state must be separate and that’s a first step. Second, education. People are uneducated about topics that cover human sexuality, gender, and identity because those topics are always considered taboo in a country ruled by religious laws. People are brainwashed with heteronormativity and ideas of masculinity vs femininity in countries like Morocco. I heard a lot of dumb and ignorant comments while I was in Morocco. For instance I’ve heard too many times people say that homosexuality will bring aids. This is pure ignorance and it’s part of the problem. Students and children are not taught in schools about sexuality and gender. They are not taught to question. Why is it that girls must act a certain way and boys a certain way? Why some colours are considered “feminine” and some “masculine”? If they could ask themselves these questions and do the research people would realise those are just social constructs which can be deconstructed. So we must find a way to deconstruct the social constructs that are already implemented in Muslim/brown nations and challenge them.

People are also not educated about their past. They don’t have much knowledge about the precolonial era. They don’t know that the west’s colonisation is the cause of all this heteronormativity and gender roles nonsense in the non-western world. People also don’t know the influence that Wahhabism has had on all this conservatism in the Islamic world as well as the misinterpretation and mistranslation of the Quran’s verses, which serves as a justification against LGBTQ people. India and Pakistan were one of the most sexually diverse societies before colonisation. The anti-gay laws in India and Pakistan were implemented by the British and people don’t know that, they don’t know their history before colonisation and the negative impacts that colonisation has had on sexuality and heteronormativity in colonial lands. The Ottoman Empire, and Islamic caliphate/empire, decriminalised homosexuality in the mid 19th century before most western nations. They even had homoerotic paintings. Just like Iran who had a century of homoerotic poetry during the Middle Ages. And I could tell you about a grey number of Muslim emperors who had male lovers instead of females and barely approached women. So I think if people also knew about concepts of sexuality and gender in precolonial era it could challenge today’s heteronormativity and ideas of masculinity vs femininity in the non western world.

@layskeet - Being a queer muslim arab is a conflict in itself, how do all those parts fall together into one being?

I hope that our intersectional identities can one day live in harmony accepted and understood by everyone.

I hope that we can destroy all the internalized hate and discrimination.

I hope that leaving our families for independence or compromising our happiness to meet our families expectations will no longer be the ultimatum.

I hope that we can all be our unapologetic complete self to everyone, anywhere, any time.

I hope that we can decolonize our minds from the colonized idealizations that have been fed to us. Idealizations and concepts that never resonated with our truth, existence, and ancestry.

@jamalozsoy - I haven’t came out to my parents yet. Simply because I don’t feel ready atm. Being gay is a heavy weight to carry in a Muslim household. But also in the society. I live in Paris and I sometimes feel pressured by white people (queer or not) to come out cuz “it’s okay 2 be gay”. This comes from the lack of acknowledgement they have of what it means to grow up gay in a Muslim family specially in the Parisian suburb where taboos are stronger

I think one should always be encouraged to come out (at some point) but it’s important not to rush anyone and to keep in mind that topics such as homosexuality and sexuality in general are very taboos in some communities. For the future I hope that my diaspora sis’ won’t suffer from this double-sided pressure. Only you get to decide when to come out

I’d like to ask for help from our Muslim sisters. They tend to be open-minded when it comes to homosexuality and having gay friends. I want them to share this acceptance with their Muslim boyfriends. Let’s all embrace each other inshallah

Also I think it’s very important that we (diaspora kids) learn more about the dark sides of our parents countries. I think some of us are too busy trying to idealise Arabic countries through arts and traditions without taking in account the difficulties of what it means to live there. And that is not fair to Arab queer individuals dealing with those issues on a daily basis. Let arab queer individuals speak for themselves.

@anwarbougroug - The oppression of the LGBTQI+ community in the Arab world is rooted in insecurity, toxic masculinity, gender roles and religion. I am so proud of my queer Arab friends that use themselves as a medium to push the boundaries on what it means to be queer and Arab. Showing that we’re a community, rather than individuals, not only makes us stronger as a whole, it also empowers non-conforming people to take the next step and be themselves fully. Representation is key in this battle for equality and human rights for the LGBTQI+ community.

@chrisnajimy - I hope more Arabs are able to incorporate queerness into their idea entities and daily lives, and stop isolating sexual or gender identity as an entity separate from what's presented publicly. In order for that to happen we need to feel safer. More progressive legislation has to be passed in the Arab states that still criminalize and punish queerness. Most of all, queer behavior and queer bodies have to be normalized within the culture - including diaspora. Because of so many intersections that come with being Arab and queer (i.e. religion, gender, class, skin tone), it's difficult to speak generally about a "queer Arab experience."

But In my predominantly westernized Lebanese-American family, queerness (of we few that are out) is virtually never discussed. The lack of acknowledgement isn't only discouraging, but harmful to the fight in creating a culture more welcoming/less fearful of queerness. Being visible can literally be dangerous even in states with more progressive legislation worldwide; but it is a fundamental goal to be allowed to comfortably live authentically as both Arab and Queer.

@actuallywill - Technology has turned societies across the globe a little more open and I'm would like to see more young people discussing queer points of view and supporting queer people openly and especially with our religious families/friends in whatever way we think appropriate. As a mixed black Muslim queer living in the west I think community is life changing but it's also really easy to fall into capitalism's trap of being vocal only for cultural capital under the white gaze, rather than meaningfully support our people.

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make-me-imagine · 7 years

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Forgotten

Request: Losing your memory after a hunt goes wrong, forgetting your boyfriend Dean, who has to take care of you and try to get you to remember him. With the sentences: "I’m saying this is their chance - maybe their only chance - to get out of this life. Who are we to take that away?"

Characters: Dean Winchester x reader

Gender: Any/Neutral Triggers: Angsty/mention of injury/memory loss

Words: 1,550

Dean sat next to your bedside, admiring your peaceful face. You were going to wake up soon, at least he hoped you would. It’s been a few days after you go hurt. He couldn’t stop going back to what happened. He never should have made you go on the hunt. You could have died, and he would never be able to forgive himself for that.

Flashback

You, Sam and Dean were approaching the vampire den. Quietly you entered, your knives drawn. Once you entered the den you found nothing, not one single vampire. Looking at each other confused you all seemed to realize what was happening at the same time. Trap.

Suddenly there was a loud shout, and Vampires were surrounding you. You were surrounded immediately, fighting for your life. After killing one vamp another jumped on your back, quickly throwing them off your shoulder you kicked and sliced your way through some more vampires. But then it happened.

A really big vamp tackled you, you landed on a part of the floor that wasn’t sturdy enough, before you could move, the floor fell out from underneath you, you felt yourself fall and then nothing.

Dean shuddered at the image. You just disappeared fell right through the floor. After they fought and killed the rest of the Vampires, he and Sam ran to the hole, and they saw you lying on the bottom, not moving. They both thought you were dead. They managed to find a hidden staircase that led to that underground floor, when they got to you, you were barely alive. Luckily they got you to the hospital, and now you were here. Lying in front of him, still unconscious.

Now he was thinking about what the Doctor said “They experienced severe head trauma, I am unsure of when or if they will wake up. And there is no way of knowing what will happened if..when they wake up”

Now

He was starring at his hands when he heard you move. Looking up expecting to see your eyes till closed, his heart stopped when he saw you looking at him.

“y/n” he said leaning forward

You stared at the attractive man, trying to remember what happened. Reading his expression you knew he knew you, but..you didn’t know him. And that name, y/n, was that your name? You should know that. Why didn’t you know that?”

Seeing your unblinking gaze he spoke quietly “y/n, whats wrong?”

Opening your mouth to speak, you were afraid for a moment that you wouldn’t even know how to do that “I don’t...remember you” you said quietly

Dean stared at you for a moment before scoffing “Come on y/n, that’s not funny”

“I’m sorry, I wish it was a joke” you said, your mind reeling. Why couldn’t you remember this guy.

Just then the door opened, another man, a taller man came in, when he saw you he smiled, relieved.

“y/n! Oh thank God, how are you feeling” he asked approaching you.

“Sam” Dean said still staring at you, recognizing the look on your face. You didn’t recognize Sam. You looked scared. You really didn’t remember.

Sam, looking over at Dean saw his serious expression grew frightened “What’s wrong?”

Before Dean could say anything, you spoke “I don’t remember anything”

Sam thought for a moment you were referring to the hunt, but seeing Deans expression he looked over at you “Like, anything as in what happened or...”

“I don’t remember you” you said staring at him.

Sam looked over at Dean, wanting to see some micro-expression that showed you two were playing a prank on him. But seeing the tears start to well in Deans eyes he knew your weren’t joking.

“Y/n, that’s my name?” you asked quietly.

Dean sighed as he looked down at his hands “Sam, why don’t you go get the Doc” nodding Sam left the room looking back at you he sighed “Yes, y/n is your name. Umm, there was an accident, you fell and hit your head really hard.” he said struggling to keep his voice even.

Before you could respond Sam came back with the Doctor. He needed to examine you so he sent Sam and Dean out of the room.

“It seems that the memory loss might be permanent. But y/n could also slowly start to remember, it’s hard to say”

Those words kept running through Dean head. Permanent. Sitting in the hallway the tears built up in Deans eyes finally fell. Wiping them away he felt Sam sit down next to him.

“What do we do Dean?” Sam’s voice was quiet, sad.

“We...let them go” he said, his voice shaking.

Sam turned to Dean “What? Dean what are you saying? We can’t just-”

Dean cut him off “I’m saying this is their chance - maybe their only chance - to get out of this life. Who are we to take that away? Y/n always wanted a normal life anyway, now they might actually have that chance”

Sam stared at him for a moment, going over his words in his mind. Thinking back your past conversations, he remembered how much you said you wanted to give up hunting. To have a normal life.

“But..y/n always wanted a normal life with you Dean. If we leave them behind, they’ll be alone.”

Dean sighed at Sams words, he was right. You and him always wondered what it would be like, to have a normal life together.To be happy together. You wanted to open a little shop, selling books, knick-knacks maybe coffee or tea. You wanted to live in a cute home near a park so you could go running every day. Another tear fell from his eye as he remembered the life you could have had together.

“Maybe that’s for the best” his voice betraying his words. He didn’t want to leave you behind. But if it meant you could have that life, he would do it.

Sam and Dean sat in silence for a while before deciding what to do. Entering the room to see you playing with the hospital food, you looked up at the brothers.

“Hi” you said nervously

Dean cleared his throat before approaching “Hey, how you feeling?”

“Confused. Tired” you said simply.

Nodding his head Dean walked over and sat next to your bed “I think we should talk” nodding your head he sat down to continue “Your name is y/n Williams, we’ve known each other for quite a long time. Me and my brother came into town to visit, and then we went exploring in some old abandoned building, that’s when...that’s when you fell. You just moved here, to this town. You don’t have a job yet but you were thinking of opening up a little shop, buying one of those cute houses over by the park.” he said watching your reactions.

You thought of his words, the life they told you you had didn’t sound familiar, but then again nothing did. Looking at the brothers you realized something “You haven’t told me your names”

Sam and Dean looked at each other “I’m Dean, this is Sam”

“And we’re friends?”

“Yeah, um, our fathers use to work together” Sam said coming over to sit on your other side “But...your mother died when you were little, and your dad died a couple years ago, our dad to. You traveled a lot, never really settling down, not until you moved here.” Sam spoke slowly, trying to give you enough information, but not a lot, you could build your life however you wanted now.

Thinking about their words you looked back over to them “You have to leave don’t you?”

Sam and Dean looked down, ashamed of their own plan “Yeah, I’m sorry, we..”

“Don’t be sorry. You’ve stayed as long as you have already. And, it shouldn’t be to hard to make a life here, I mean I didn’t have one anyway, so there isn’t much to try and fix” you said trying to sound optimistic.

Dean smiled sadly, your personality was still the same. Still caring. “We will call your sometime okay, check up on you” he said, his chest tightening, knowing that he couldn’t contact you again. He needed to keep you safe, separate from this life he was trying to get you out of.

Nodding your head the brothers rose and said their goodbyes, Dean barely made it out of the room before tears started to all.

Sitting in the Impala Sam finally spoke “Do you think this will work?”

“It has too. We have enough fake ID’s for them. We made a bank account, a birth certificate, even a new social security card. Everything they need, we did” he said trying to convince himself that it would work. That it would be okay.

Sam saw the doubt on his brothers face but said nothing, knowing how hard this was for himself, he couldn’t imagine how Dean must be feeling. Starting the Impala they left town, Dean kept glancing to the mirror, part of him expecting to see you smiling at him, making funny faces at him like you always had before. And as one final tear fell down his face he forced himself to focus on the road ahead, your were fine, you would be happy. He could let you go.

Requested by anon

I could do a possible part two to this if anyone wants it :)

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ecotone99 · 4 years

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Humor [HM] Fantasy [FN] Cadorna Keep Chapter 2 - A Dnd GameLit

Chapter 2 - Tracy Gets a New Spell

The sky was dark blue and the sun hot and cheerful. White fluffy clouds grazed deeply upon the horizon, looking so much like the snowy mountain caps upon which the giants were reported to dwell. The breeze was light, pleasant, and constant.

The party, though, well contrasted against the happy day around them. The ship’s crew busily avoided them as they worked the lines and wheel, keeping their vessel, Sir Boaty McBoatface, on path and on time.

Seriously? The vague voice of one of the Gamers asked.

A vague and authoritative murmur dismissed the question in the distance. The party refocused on each other and the task at hand.

“There was nothing left of them when we came back to pick them up. Balls!” Bern moaned, looking off a bit into the distance. There better be a hoard of treasure when we get there, he contemplated, dark thoughts stretching out like daggers back to when they got owned.

Carric the bard smiled, though, and strummed his lute.

“It could be bad. It could be horrible! But we’ve done bad and horrible. Remember when we were first level nothings and we saved the world?”

“Yeah!” Yenrab the barbarian piped in. “We saved our world! Ya know, this is gonna be a breeze compared to that. At least it isn’t a god or the king of the fairies or anything like that this time, right?”

Wex coughed, the mask of his god Mask glinting hard in the sunlight of the dark blue sky.

“As far as we know, bro, it’s both,” Wex noted. The group fell silent. About them bustled the boat folk, eager to drop off this party of five onto the monster-infested island keep before them and then be off.”

“Hey!” Yenrab said, rising with his own grin to replace the one that Carric had lost. “I have an idea. Back in the tribe when times were hard and morale was low we’d, well, you know, we’d sing songs.”

“What kind of songs?” Tracy asked with sudden interest. “Back in the Freemeet we’d sing songs too. But not just when we were sad. When we were happy too. And when we were angry. Or hungry. Or, like, when the moon was rising into the sky and it was night and -”

Bern Sandros put a hand to his temples, rubbing them as anger clouded his vision.

“Tracy?!” the man asked.

“Yes Bern?”

“That’s enough about songs, mate. It’s not gonna happen,” the cantankerous assassin grunted, his face dark and distant.

Tracy nodded and took two steps back.

Oh no his mind warned.

“Laaaaaaaaa -” Tracy began.

“Tracy!” Bern shouted.

“Laaaaaaaaa -”

“Don’t you dare -”

“Let’s build a snowman! We can give him lots of arms-”

“Gaaah!” Bern loudly grumped as Tracy sang a merry tune. Wex laughed and Bern gave him an angry look. The cleric, though, simply shrugged. Then he weaved some sort of orangish gold field about himself, divine threads radiating to his fingers from the eye holes of his mask. It flared as it finished and then it finished. Wex put his arms behind his head and relaxed, sighing without sound.

Carric also shrugged and began to play accompaniment to Tracy, whose sorcerer’s robes were at this point swinging and sighing back and forth in rhythm, glimmering and shimmering in chaotic swirls and whorls in the rainbow robes of his craft. Yenrab nodded, an enormous grin occupying his face, and then he moved over and sat down next to the grumpy assassin. Bern gave the man a look over, his face rigid as he wondered what sort of conversation was about to be pushed his way.

“So what’s up, Bern?” the big half-orc asked his friend. “We’ve faced bad odds before and, well, think about how many of those, uhm, experience points that the Gamers use we’ll get a hold of. Maybe we can even level up before the next session! It can’t be that you’re scared, ya know, because I’ve seen you swinging through the air from three stories to try and kill the big baddy. You’ve got what Granny always told me was gumption. She used to drain that from the animals she caught before she ate them.”

“She ate them raw, right? Every time you talk about your grandma it is disgusting,” the human said, the shadow of a smile creeping over him.

“You got that right. Ya know, she said it didn’t taste quite right if it didn’t squeal. But I’m just wondering what is on your mind. We’re friends, hey, we can talk.”

“It’s just that we really got bested by the general back there. And it made me think - when can us little guys be the besters instead of the bestees? Are we just rolling around from mission to mission, adventure to adventure, making ends meet? Are we saving up for a better tomorrow? Mate, I have no idea what I’m doing.”

Yenrab sighed. He was younger than them all and yet, often, he had the clearest head. He maybe wasn’t the wisest adventurer, but perhaps he had the best philosophies on life.

“Bern, you know, all we can do now is rise. And we’ve been rising. That party, Some Other Guys, they were the best around. They thought that nobody was gonna keep them down. Think about that. The best, around. Ya know, I bet they fought till the end, staying proud, staring out to the clouds, when the odds in the game finally defied them. And now that’s us. But we aren’t like that. We aren’t like some strange heroic montage that’ll get murdered the moment the Gamers lose interest. We’re going to get somewhere in life. We’ve got skills. We’ve got plans. We’ve got strategy -”

“You’ve got Tracy,” the sorceress interrupted, her song finished. The air sparkled with magical cantrips about her as she attempted to emphasize the moment.

“Carric too!” the bard added, smirking in that odd way that showed he knew he was caught in some lame after-school special type moment and he was just making the best that he could of it.

Wex began snoring, his holy spell of silence finally at an end. It was a rough and guttural sound that snapped him back to wakefulness.

“You guys done singing,” he asked, his words groggy and slow.

“Yeah,” Tracy smiled. “It was wonderful and you missed all of it.”

“Good,” Wex yawned.

“I’m going to get somewhere for sure guys,” Carric Smith informed them as a catch of spray blasted over them, smooth and cool. A drop of lake water dripped down from a pointed ear. “Remember that orphanage in Torus Strade? I bought the place. And that’s where I’m going to retire.”

“Yeah. Life in a small village doesn’t sound so bad,” Bern Sandros grinned, nodding at the idea. “But really, if I can, I just want to help all of my mates out back home. You know, some of them deserve to be out there on the streets, but not all of them. Maybe I’ll make a guild and get them some good paying and honest work.”

“Honest?” Tracy asked, one eyebrow arched in inquisition.

“Mostly honest then,” he chuckled. “Alright, yeah, we coulda shoulda woulda asked for more my friends but, hey, one day it’ll be us that some new adventurers are whinging on about, right?”

“Absolutely. I can’t wait to be grand poombah, chocka full magic and with acolytes running around doing all of my stuff for me,” Wex daydreamed aloud. “But I’m going to take quests in a new direction. Can you imagine all the things you can do with a, as the Gamers say it, first level party under your command? Welcome adventurers to your first quest, I’ll say. You must travel to the market and obtain the lamb of sustenance using naught but your adventuring skills and the coins in your pocket.”

“Haha that is top kek, mate,” Bern threw to him. The elf beamed back.

“I’d make my adventurers give Yenrab a bath,” Carric smirked.

“I will never ever allow myself to smell as I did in Torus Strade,” the half-orc barbarian stated as he failed to suppress a shudder. “I had to roll around in muck for days even after the damnation bound curse was lifted.”

“Well, mates, we’ve got some time before we get there,” Bern Sandros said, standing up to face them. “I for one can use some zeds. Rest up and pick your spells, right Yenrab?”

“Yeah,” Yenrab agreed. “Sounds like a heck of a plan.”For the rest of the voyage they napped, dreaming pleasant dreams of handing off all of the crap jobs to lower level nobodies, and perhaps not having to hear or deal with the grief of the Gamers any longer. All except Tracy, who dreamed of going bald and shining his head with the wax of the babaturt, its prized excretions found only in the lands of the Freemeet.

***

“‘Ips up and arms out ‘venturemen, we’ll be back dis time in da morrow, ya ken?” one of the sailors, hairy like a bear and missing more than a few teeth, spat at them in a friendly attempt at conversation.

“Ew,” responded Tracy, now a man since his male id had taken over. He wiped the saliva off of his face and tasted it.

“I ain’t kenna da gurl t’ing do,” the sailor continued. His accented Common sounded Frostmountian. If so he was a long way from home.

Dice clattered in the air, unheard by any but the party.

“Ah, it took me a bit to get that,” Carric informed the man, a 17 blazing in his head. “See here, let me explain. Tracy is anointed by his god Coraellon. Not one of the native gods but one of the foreign gods. And this god, well, he can give elves and half-elves his mark. If they have that mark they change genders every now again. And, well, I don’t know if maybe Tracy here is extra-marked or something, but he’s got three of him inside that noggin of his and they just kinda take turns driving.”

“Huh,” answered the sailor, shaking his head in wonder. “‘Da gods and dere miracles.”

“He’s got that right,” Yenrab smirked, stretching out as they piled out of the small craft onto the thin strip of beach at the entrance to the keep.

It certainly was something to see, Cadorna Keep. It wasn’t large but it was tactical. Its outer walls had been built right up to the edge of the shoreline on every side but this one, with its walls slanted in to out in order to make scaling and climbing a very difficult task indeed. Certain magical fields kept the dirt from eroding, making the structure a multi-generational facet to a new and needful republic, and thick stone blocks lay within its shallow depths, driven through with rusted iron rings through which to moor visiting craft.

The only place upon which anyone could land soldiers was this thin strip of beach, also buttressed against erosion, at the front gate of the entire structure. Maybe a few dozen soldiers, tops, had the room to assemble and fight effectively upon this sandy and rocky terrain, upon which a few straggly, leave-less and thin wooden plants also lived. It looked like an assaulters’ nightmare. Or a defenders’ paradise.

The party rechecked their gear, looking about to make sure nothing was missing. Then they bid good-bye to the transport crew, who good-lucked them back as they left, shoving off hard from the sandy embankment.

“Well, bros and brahs, this is it. All on our own. In a place that is haunted. And a cleric that, get this, can finally turn! Buzzow!” Wex exclaimed, taking off his mask and doing a a tight little jig.

“Hey man, congratulations!” Bern said, slapping him on the back. “You mentioned that before, mate. How did that happen?”

“Ah, well, as far as I can tell my Gamer was whining about something and the Chief Gamer gave in and boom, I just felt wiser and more powerful.”

“I wish my Gamer was a whiny whiner,” Carric complained. “I’ve heard whispers from above that when I get to high enough level I can cast fireball!”

“Hold up, hold up,” Yenrab interrupted. “Hi, ya know, Yenrab the half-orc barbarian here, what exactly is this stuff? What is turning and what is fireball?”

Tracy held up his hand. Yenrab tried to ignore him. Tracy waved his hand and began to jump up and down. The rest of the party giggled, staying mum.

“Oh for the sakes of the gods. Yes, Tracy?” Yenrab groaned, though a hint of humor danced about his cheeks.

“Turning is when a cleric or priest of someone with god-bestowed power tries to use the god-bestowed power. What one can do with it and how many times they can do it depends on the god. A good god usually devotes a lot of energy to turning the undead, scaring them off or even destroying their essence. The neutral gods like Mask are kinda hit or miss on what they do and how often. And the evil gods, well they tend to try to use their energy to control or to recruit the undead.”

Yenrab looked at Wex for confirmation. Wex nodded, looking quite impressed.

“Alright, that was pretty good Tracy,” the barbarian complimented him. “So, now, what is this other thing. Fireball? A ball of fire?”

“Not exactly. It’s more like, well, let me show you,” the sorcerer said, turning and chanting. All eyes were upon him as he blasted a group of reedy plants, exploding them into every direction simultaneously. Other plants nearby began to creep away from the blaze.

Bern Sandros whistled. Wex clapped. Carric murmured something about having to choose a different spell.

“That’s incredible!” Yenrab beamed. “I’ll admit, I was a little worried about this challenge, but with that in our weapons rack I’m not worried at all! How many times can you do that Tracy?”

“Once per eight hour rest,” the half-elf sorcerer beamed back. “I can’t do it anymore until I’ve slept a long time,” he explained further, still smiling as Yenrab’s face dropped and paled, green turning to light, almost white green.

“Gods alive,” the half-human half-orc moaned. “We’re all doomed.”

Chapter 1 = https://www.reddit.com/r/shortstories/comments/edngy6/humor_hm_fantasy_fn_cadorna_keep_chapter_1_a_dnd/

submitted by /u/damienleehanson [link] [comments] via Blogger https://ift.tt/374pjIm

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avanneman · 6 years

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Lauren Gussis’ “Insatiable”—let me count the clichés. Okay, I give up.

youtube

When word hit the street that Lauren Gussis, one of the “geniuses” behind the TV series devoted to heroic mass torturer/murderer “Dexter”, had come up with something even more shocking—a Netflix original about a fat teen-ager who became not fat and hence “Insatiable”, the howls of outrage among the easily outraged—those woke folk who seek to expel Nature with a pitchfork in particular—rang so loudly across the internet that even I heard them. The trope of “fat girl becomes gorgeous and goes wild” has always struck me as exceedingly wan in the first place, so I made a vague mental note not to see Insatiable, even by accident, and went about my business.

Then, however, I read a review in Reason by Glenn Garvin, “Ignore the Outrage Mob and Watch Insatiable”, which definitely hit me where I live—at least some of the time. Glenn assured me that Insatiable was a laff riot, and any contrarian like myself ought to watch the show, both on its own merit and as an opportunity to stick it to the pitchfork crowd via a witty review. Well, I’m always in the market for non-heavy TV,1 and, even though some of the funnies that Glenn offered up as proof of his argument—praising the show for “filthy” nicknames like “Bag of Boners”, for example—didn’t strike me as, you know, that awesome, I thought I’d take a look.

Well, be careful what you wish for—or, maybe, just be careful, because Insatiable is awful. It’s as if the producers said “we want stupid—Two and a Half Men stupid—but gay it up, a lot, and make it southern. That’ll be funny.” Because Insatiable is not about being fat. It’s about being gay, and about the sort of rejection kids experience for being fat as a metaphor for the rejection they experience for being gay.

But why, three years after the Supreme Court ruled that gays have a constitutional right to marriage, why are we making TV shows that are metaphors for being gay? Why not just make a show about, you know, being gay? Because, you know, people have been doing that already!

But I guess someone forgot to tell Lauren and Netflix—which used to be considered hip and edgy, rather than sleazy, dopy, and banal. Insatiable is not so much a bag of boners as a bag of gay clichés. Straight men are lecherous oafs who like to work on cars. Straight women are lecherous bitches who want to be president of the Junior League. Gay men are bitchy on the outside, sweet on the inside. Lesbians are, well, flannel.

Ostensibly the story of former fatty now teen femme fatal Patty Bladell (Debby Ryan), Insatiable is really about her beauty pageant coach Bob Armstrong (Dallas Roberts) and her best (and only) pal, Nonnie Thompson (Kimmy Shields), set in a sort of “Southern Living” suburb of (maybe) Atlanta, where the twinned and knotted kudzu vines of conspicuous consumption and social striving combine to wrap themselves around the very throat of humanity. Through a set of plot contrivances too lame to consider, Disgraced Lawyer Bob sees the now svelte and ready for revenge Patty as his vehicle for social redemption. As for Nonnie, well, as long as she can breathe Patty’s carbon dioxide, she’s happy.

I don’t know if Dallas Roberts is straight or gay, but everything about Lawyer Bob—his body language, his clothes, his fussy mannerisms and speech—screams gayness. He puts down a pair of vulgar broads—because all straight women are vulgar broads—by telling them “some people think red doesn’t clash with pink!” Feel the burn! When a sulky Patty says she’s going to skip the first day of school, Bob leads her back to the straight (so to speak) and narrow by offering her a “makeover”. He then brandishes a gleaming and polished makeup case that springs open in multiply cantilevered glory as though it belonged to the Great God Hermès himself! Behold these wonders!

Although the show makes mechanical fun of the southern beauty pageant “scene”, which to my mind is almost as lazy as making fun of someone for being fat, it can’t help taking Patty’s pursuit of pageant greatness seriously, because what are beauty pageants but show business? And what is show business? It’s not everything. It’s the only thing!2

Lonnie and Bob effectively appoint themselves as Patty’s entourage. She’s their meal ticket out of the suburban hell of conventional life that they both despise. She has the looks, and the selfishness, to be a star! A star! A star of our very own, and we won’t have to share her with anyone!3

Meanwhile, back in the real world, we see busty wives—virtually every woman in the cast except for Shields could get a job at Hooters—tearing open their cleavage at the drop of a hat, while the dudes show off their six-packs with equal regularity. Does anyone watch TV for this any more?

As for the jokes, well, we have obvious cheesy jokes—Patty’s up for “Miss Magic Jesus”—haw, haw, those damn rednecks and their damn Jesus—and inside cheesy jokes—she’s also in the running for “Miss Bareback Buckaroo”—“bareback” being gay slang for unprotected anal sex. Also funny!

Insatiable comes up with imaginative (sort of) ways to finesse the whole racial thing. The social queen of wherever it is we are—the president of the Junior League—is a black woman, though married to a white guy. And there’s an Asian girl whose mom is white, as though we entered some sort of post-racial Nirvana without even noticing.4 Everybody’s equal, everybody’s rich! Problem solved!

I originally planned to watch the entire season of Insatiable to prepare this crushing putdown. But half-way through the fourth episode, well, my soul cracked, and I surrendered—to common sense—and quit. Insatiable is a painful fraud, a “shocking” show that’s afraid that if it revealed its true subject—being gay—no one would watch. “Gender is not just fluid in this show,” exclaimed Glenn in the review that duped me into wasting four hours of my life, “it's Niagara Falls at peak flow.” “Gender fluid” is just the current euphemism for “gay”. How about letting the love that dare not speak its name, you know, speak!

Afterwords New York magazine thoughtfully offers a list of the ten “most scathing” reviews of Insatiable. Switching gears considerably, over at American Conservative, Harry J. Kazianis has a piece, “I Was That Morbidly Obese Guy”, that describes the many downsides of being “really fat”. For the most part, the piece is painfully honest, but I have to disagree when Mr. Kazianis remarks on the burden “of not fitting into a culture that worships beauty more than anything else.” Because it isn’t just “our culture” that makes fun of fat people.

When I was in Vietnam, our battery was sometimes invaded by a group of four-year-old Vietnamese kids, who would wait for the appearance of our one fat soldier. When he came in sight, they would shout delightedly “Beaucoups kilo! Beaucoups kilo!”

Yes, little kids will make fun of you if you’re fat, if you smell bad (“You stink!”), if you speak with a southern accent, or if you don’t speak with a southern accent. They will make fun of you if you can’t keep up, or don’t fit in.5 And, of course, it isn’t only little kids. When I was in law school, I once shouted “What’s the matter? Are you deaf?” to a young woman who I knew had limited hearing. I just forgot, because it was rarely noticeable. Innocence is not the same as virtue. In fact, it’s often the opposite.

See Jeeves and Wooster, Pretty Little Liars, The Windsors, Call My Agent! Season 1 and Season 2, and Archer. For the perils of “heavy TV”, go here and here. ↩︎

When Patty masters the “pageant walk” (thanks, of course, to Bob’s persistence), the soundtrack swells with triumph. ↩︎

The recent death of the great Aretha Franklin provided the occasion for the telling of a number of not so great anecdotes about the Queen of Soul, strongly suggesting that the average diva should be regarded as a natural wonder along the lines of an erupting volcano, best viewed from a distance of several miles. ↩︎

To further combat racial stereotyping, the Asian girl is dumb as a post. ↩︎

Johnny Carson used to say “Comedy is not pretty” because he knew how much of it is based on heartless ridicule. Once when the pleasingly plump Dom DeLuise was a guest, Carson made some joke about Dom’s weight and the audience booed. “It’s his job!” Dom admonished the crowd. ↩︎

#Lauren Gussis #Insatiable #tv

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