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sapphixxx · 7 months

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ah :/

After staying impressively more or less on the razor's edge of not getting too tastelessly gratuitous despite getting into some pretty harrowing territory, unfortunately the second to last episode plunges headfirst twenty feet deep straight into a pretty graphic sexual assault. And of a basically trans character no less. I've got mixed feelings because it doesn't come out of nowhere per se, and despite everything it honestly does kinda ring true to me of how idolizing someone (especially someone you knew as a child) can make you blind to their predatory actions. And just how like... being assaulted is ime less about the physical act of the thing analogous to being physically beaten in a nebulous sense, and more about the insane breach of trust you put in someone and them using your own body against you. Both of which are existentially horrific in a way I hope most of you have not ever felt. Which like, VERY much relevant to the trans experience unfortunately. And the way it goes down is very much inextricable from the victims gender.

So it all touches uncomfortably close to me. Writing all this out I'm surprised that I'm not walking away thinking it could have or should have been left out entirely. I guess that despite how cartoonishly evil the perpetrator is in that moment, everything about the situation in context of the whole story evokes something more real to me than any other gratuitous rape scenes I've encountered. If it's gonna be in the story having him be less over the top clown shoes malicious in that scene would undercut or muddy that breach of trust, I think.

And look I'm sorry but I straight up do not trust viewers to understand that something is non consensual violence if it isn't spelled out to them like kindergarteners. I mean look at some of the fucking dogshit interpretations of Utena are out there. So if it's gonna be explicit I'm glad at least that they focused on the parts that center the themes of trust, perception, weird body and gender and sexuality confusion stuff, rather than JUST whoag what's the biggest most awful way we can raise the stakes. Cause it's implied that when the victim was a boy he had a crush on this man, and now occupying his sister's body there's a whole CAVALCADE of things going on. Cause wow she finally get to be with him, but only after changing genders, which is a prompt for violence, the state of being desirable being a lever for being taken advantage of, and also implies that maybe that sister had previously been preyed upon which further breaks down that image of the person they thought they could trust. Like I know myself and at least like three other trans women who've been in that situation (minus sister body swapping)

And, well, honestly this shows been about weird sex and gender and power dynamics stuff from the very beginning. So it was bound to happen eventually. So I dunno. I think I just talked myself into it, but it's absolutely a warning I'd give to anyone interested in it.

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shadowynn · 1 year

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*breathes in* *breathes out* *takes a seat on a chair*

FAMMMMMM?!?!?!?!

Chapter seven was literally everything?! Like, we finally have answers and now the ball is sort of in OC's court. Honestly when you said there were reasons why HJ was so... Lenient with half-daemons, I had an inkling it would be this, but to actually hear it from him gave me goosebumps. That apart, omg more context as to why the humans have treated her the way they have oof— also I knew there was something sus about them. I mean of course we don't have all the answers about the war, but I wonder why humans don't just... Stop? Considering only very few cities remain where they can live safely. But then again, what little we've seen of the humans does align with them not wanting to work things out.

I low-key feel bad for oc. I mean... She just wanted a normal life but fate really had no plans for that whatsoever. I totally empathise with her. But at the same time I also feel sorry for HJ, the first time he truly talks to her... She says that to him. Like ouch, that must have hurt.

(Random, but I've been working on this whole idea of fate vs free will in one of my papers. And... It honestly makes me wonder how much of an effect both have on the daemons, half-daemons, and humans in the world of ILAL. Like I understand that daemons have free will, but at the same time certain things have been laid out for them by destiny (or maetha). Then half-daemons are probably somewhere in the middle, but like I think they have more agency unless they're in a situation like OC lol. Then come the humans. So, even if daemons aren't angels (figuratively speaking), the fact that humans choose to do things the way they're doing just makes humans crueler I guess. Idk if I'm making sense?)

Can't wait to see where this goes from this point ahead. 🥺❤️ Thank you for sharing this beautiful story with us.

Aaawwweeee, thank you so much!! I’m glad you enjoyed it!! I was struggling so hard, but when I came back with a fresh head after a few days, things really just started flowing.

And, ahhhh, there’s like so much more I want to say and explain then what I put in this chapter, but I have to hold back because it really isn’t the right time or place to say it. I think this is one of the first works I’ve wrote where things aren’t always what they seem and there’s more going on then you know and it’s so hard for me to not just spit everything out. I’m absolutely terrible at keeping secrets, especially with things that I know other people are excited for (like it’s been a pain ordering Christmas presents and having to wait to give them. I just wanna give now.) so Im like, excited for you all to know things but really have to hold back and be like, no, you have to wait.

And fate vs free will is such an interesting topic, but honestly a hard one too. Major props to you to writing a paper on it! I think when it comes to In Love and Lore, i feel very similar to you! daemons do lean much more into fate, based on their magic. And I see this as a major factor on why things went so horribly for them in the end, because hj doesn’t see what he did was wrong because mc is his mate, and like, of course he’s going to do what he did. But mc isn’t from that world, doesn’t comprehend the weight of it, so she sees as his choice led to her not having one. And let me tell you, this won’t be the only time this difference in worlds/traditions is going to be causing problems.

And then I’d say the half-daemons probably lean the way they’ve grown up. They’re not as into fate as daemons, but as we’ve kind of seen with mc, she knows she has less free will than humans because of her status. There’s just certain things she can and can’t do because she’s not human. And I really like what you said about humans. you’re right, it does seem to make them crueler! Knowing there was a choice and yet still deciding to do it anyways.

Thanks for your kind words!! I always enjoy having these long asks/conversations with you!! :)

#in love and lore #winnie speaks

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actualbird · 2 years

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Day two of me reading your fics the moment I wake up! Still a little asleep as I write this again fxjg but it's fine because man I loved this fic so much this is the post chapter 6 fic I needed in my life!!

Man the moment I saw "crying didn't fix you up" the sense of dread I felt became ridiculously strong aha. Funny how something said out of love can do so much damage.

Yeah empathy+the mindset Artem now has is absolutely going to be hell in a job as a lawyer. Especially in the universe of Tears of Themis because that's a ridiculously high number of tragedies that's happened in six chapters. I could see Joey's case or Skadi haunting someone long after everything has ended.

So the paragraph about Artem's thoughts about being asked how he's feeling Hurt Me So Much. Just the bleak way he describes sending feelings into a room and ignoring it and the "he would know" in another paragraph hit really, really hard. Excellent way to tie a character's past experiences with their way of doing things but also Pain.

The way the nightmare turns from short, clipped sentences in the first paragraph and morph into a run-on, frantic one in the last hurts me. That really is how thoughts go sometimes and I am in awe of how you portrayed it so well in text.

Riaaa I love you. Thank you for saying the words Artem needs to hear most. And hopefully this is a steop forward for Artem. Not a fix, God knows one cry session can't fix a mindset he's had sonce childhood but. A step.

So I remember a while ago talking about how I really adore repetition and boy did this fic deliver!! There's so much repetition of so many lines and yet it feels just right and never excessive. I would have loved this fic anyway, but with so much personal appeal? I really, really adore this fic, if I were to rank my enjoyment of your fics this would be in the top. Just, excellent fic, thank you so much for writing this!!!

🌌

HJVhjkHVKJ GMORNING, MILKYWAY!! thank u for reading "break it into pieces small enough to understand" like a morning newspaper, tho this morning newspaper swaps out the calvin and hobbes with artem and neuroses HKFJHASF

hhhhHHH this ask is so lovely, ive got lots to say in reply omg

that first scene w childhood artem is wholly me condensing like 8764982375 experiences of my own from my parents who said similar things to me also out of love. it's a sad truth that even stuff said out of love can be either the wrong thing to say at the moment or taken out of its context and embedded in a kid's mind for years or both. someone can come in wanting to alleviate pain and end up unintentionally giving an adage for its invalidation instead. it sucks. but it happens.

while i was projecting for a lot of this fic, the empathy was something completely foreign to me. artem has shown that hes very in tune with other people's emotions and i Do Not Have That Skill but exploring his in conjunction with all this leads to yepppppp. empathy is great, but it would also get frustrating and upsetting if one is working on the assumption that emotions need to come from a logical cause. frankly, i think everybody in the nxx team needs some therapy just for this bit at first, theyre taking in a LOT of heavy cases. hopeful ending as they may have, that still weighs on people. for artem, it weighing on him when it no longer can help is hellish.

eeEeeEEeeee im glad u liked those bits and also the repetition!! i really enjoy writing internal monolog and tryna lean into how they tend to sound when going thru ur head, if that makes sense. or at least my head, since i cant read minds. metaphorizing memory and bringing in an unraveling cadence and repetition cuz the brain likes to latch onto phrases and bring it back cuz it seems familiar and mind always wants to find patterns, and all that jazz. it's like dialog which i love So Much, but talking to yourself, and i just love writing any kind of talking in general

it's a step forward!!! it's not gonna fix anything just but thats okay, it doesnt have to. going at life with the mindset of fixing every problem immediately and ignoring bits that dont seem to directly work towards a solution, well, that actually brings artem wayyyy farther from a solution in the first place. sometimes ya gotta cry. and it wont make things better. but it's important to feel it anyway.

thank you so so much for this ask!! it made me smile lots :') and right before i gotta clock in at work too, a wonderful boost before job tasks jahvkhfaf

im glad you enjoyed the fic <3!!

#milkyway!anon #asks #commints #and now i ponder what fic to write next. i rlly cant stop thinking about sott exploration it's so funny to me what if i....

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mrpsychokiller · 3 years

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I just finished it. I'm ok I'm ok I'm normal

#I am stimming so hard rn ejvdisbiebe that really made me really excited #do I have an hyperfixation on ajj? is that possible idk if hyperfixations work with music too #but Ive be listening almost exclusively to them lately #OH i also listened to good luck everybody #which is an album I thought was from 2020 but apparently it was recorded in 2019 and published later #I liked it though not as much as the older ones not sure why...#i guess they may change their style along so many years #it was also pretty short. older albums have lots of songs this one felt like it ended pretty quickly #less long songs too #but your voice as I remember it.... man #also Im glad that I can understand the context now cause when he talks of trump I can understand #you know a thing Ive been thinking #is how he made an album in 2007 that was sad and full of his suffering #and now in the 2019 album and in the 2021 songs.... they're still sad. he still suffers.#it makes me kinda depressed. like. he never got better. no one does #kinda feels like we're all doomed to be sad forever?#idk Im rambling I said Im normal

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hivequest · 3 years

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Taking a Risk » Mallek Adalov/Reader

Wordcount: 2.3k words

Warnings: Swearing, fluff, stressed out reader, chillboy Mallek. TYping quirk only used when texting cause I could not be bothered lmao Originally posted on AO3

A/N: One of my favorite things that I’ve written, ever. I love Mallek and he’s for sure one of my favorite Friendsim characters. When I wrote this I was really feeling those Quarantine Woes

You didn't know what you were doing here. You felt out of place in the worst possible ways. It was a weird, squidgy feeling like stepping on wet grass. But not like the fun kind where you were running around in a sprinkler on a hot-as-balls summer day. No, this was the bad kind of wet grass that you stepped on without knowing it was wet. Why weren't you wearing shoes?

This analogy is stupid. The point is, you're feeling bummed out.

And what better way to not have to deal with that than hang out with someone you knew wouldn't push you into talking about all the ways crashing on this planet sucked! The point is, you're on your way to see Mallek. Mallek is absolutely the kind of friend who can tell when you just need to sit down and veg out. You had been so caught up in everyone else's bullshit that you weren't looking after your own damn self. So now you were doing that.

All it took was a quick text, asking Mallek if he had any company. He texted back only a moment later with a no, obviously not. You asked him if he wanted any. Not really. You ask him if you can come over anyway. Obviously.

You smiled at the palmhusk in your, well, palm. You could already feel the chill vibes of your hacker friend. Friend? Was that the right word for it? You didn't know anymore. When you first met there were definitely some sparks there. You could still feel them now and it made weird butterflies flutter around in your stomach. When you slapped his phone out of his hand and he sent you ass over applecart into the slimy depths of sewer water and he saved you, tits out and all.

You shook off the weird wistful feeling of maybe possibly crossing the friendship barrier and told him you'd walk to his hive. You'd been moping in some bookhive, not your usual hang-out spot with Tagora or Tyzias. This was some upper caste bookhive with purple bloods and some indigos and definitely not where you were welcome if the looks you were getting were any indication. They ranged from snooty to downright murderous. Yeesh.

Your phone -palmhusk, stupid troll names- beeped again. You got another text from him and those cheery fucking butterflies were back. God, you had it bad.

yeah were not doing that lmao;

im not going to let my robobuddy walk out in the sun

do you even know what time of day it =

just stay put ive already got your location ill pick you up;

And like a good little friendsimp. You park your ass on a chair and wait. You hadn't released your moping had taken up most of the night. But with the quick look around, yeah, no, this place was nearly empty by now. Just some older bluebloods trying to cram before their Ordeals and get shipped off-planet. Again: Yeesh.

You kept your ears open for the telltale sound of Mallek's limo. It was a sound you were getting used to these days. He always seemed ready to drop whatever coding shit he was working on to come to see you. You tried not to think too hard on what that might mean. No need to get your hopes up now. It's probably just your bad mood making you imagine some context where there's nothing. Yeah.

Damn, that shit hurted.

Just as you were about to add that to the reasons you were considering just screaming your lungs out who cares whose listening? you heard the wonderfully familiar sound of an approaching elongated scuttlebuggy. If that wasn't enough of a clue as to who the ride was for the quiet of the bookhive was very abruptly disturbed by a series of rhythmic beeps.

Holy shit was that the Tetris theme?

You shoved your palmhusk into your hoodie pocket and yanked the hood over your head. Even if the sun was only out a little bit you didn't want it anywhere near your freshly healed skin. You had no kind cowgirl to nurse you back to health right now if you got your asscheeks baked by the flaming death orb. You peeked your head out and even with the blinding light of Alternia's suns you could Mallek had opened the door and was waiting for you.

Aw. No, shit. You're in a bad mood don't get all heart eyes at him. Don't make it weird.

You took a few steps back into the bookhive, ready to make a run for it. You turn to a sitting indigoblood, who is just staring at you disdainfully for keeping the door open. You give her a two-fingered salute. Godspeed young cosmonaut. She gives you a one-fingered salute. Close the door you insufferable bulgebiter. Fair.

Taking a running start, you book it out into the heat of the Alternian sun and dive for the open car door. It's then that you realize he's halfway parked on the sidewalk to lessen the amount of time you'd have to spend in the sun. Aw. That also means that you came barreling like a cannonball at something that was like two feet out of the door. FUck.

Your face meets carpet and you can already feel the rugburn starting to set in. You hear a startled wheezy laugh from above you, a sound you know better than anyone else on this planet. You smile. It's not like you had any dignity to begin with.

You say hello to him as you peel yourself off of the floor of his car.

"Hey, there robobuddy. You stuck the landing this time," He smiles down at you as he reaches over you to shut the door, closing the space out from natural light and leaving you both lit by his colorful LEDs. You shrug and tell him you've been getting a lot of practice landing on your face these days. The look he gives you is still smiling but there's some level of disbelief at the dumbassery that is your whole existence.

"I know you can get yourself into it. Nothing too bad this time, though, right? No drones or broken bones?" He sounds concerned which is nice but he doesn't drown you with his concern. He leans back on the bench of his limo, keeping an eye on you as the vehicle begins to move on its own. You've been staying out of big messes but the little messes are starting to mess with you. He makes a sound of understanding the sounds as it comes from deep in his chest. Whoa. "Believe me, I've been there. Glad you're not cracking under it though."

He smiles and you can see his little fang and you can feel your heart melt a little. And also you're getting a bit teary-eyed and now Mallek looks alarmed. Shit. You try to quickly explain that you're fine, just, alien allergies am I right? He must be using some new air freshener to mask the musty smell of his limo. Since doesn't use it enough. Ha ha?

He isn't buying it.

With a rare show of cerulean prowess, he lifts you up off of the shitty car rug and sets you on the seat beside him. He feels uncomfortable and you can tell. Ah, goddammit you made it weird. You didn't mean to. Fuck. Fuck now you're feeling even worse. You thought you were starting to balance out. You're with Mallek now, shouldn't everything start to quiet down like it always does? Fuck. He doesn't say anything at first, just leans back against the seat and stretches his arms across it, letting you lean on him if you choose to.

...You choose to.

Your head finds itself somewhere between his shoulder and his collarbone, and you just. Shove your face there. Then scream.

To his credit, Mallek doesn't even flinch. He doesn't wince or shy away from you as you let out every bit of anger, sadness, and frustration out against his sweater. He just sits quietly, staring straight at the blacked-out windshield. You get the feeling he's needed to do this more than once.

Screw this planet. Screw everything about it that makes all of your friends suffer. Why can't you just get them away from all this bullshit?! Why do you have to deal with everyone's bullshit! You love them, you do but holy fuck they're looking to you like you can undo all the damage this place has done to them when you've got literally no god damn idea what's happening at any point ever!

And then, just like that, it fades into the background. Your throat hurts. Your head hurts and you think you might be crying. But it feels lighter. Better now that you've gotten some of that aggression out. You aren't like the trolls on Alternia. You can't kill people when you experience an Emotion™. But that doesn't mean you don't get pent up with rage.

Mallek realizes that now. He lets out a breath he didn't realize he was holding and his left hand slowly moves down from the back of the seat the rest against your back. His thumb brushes against your back, the claw drawing little patterns against the fabric of your sweater. His sweater. He tries not to think his sign your chest. This isn't the time.

"Feeling any better?" He asks and you don't know how to answer. You kinda don't want to. But you nod anyways, and you feel some tension leave his body. You knew he was worried about you. You apologize for making him witness your meltdown but he just makes another deep-chested hum. "Nothing to apologize for. I got the feeling you weren't feeling great. I could tell from the texts, you didn't use nearly enough ugly emojis."

You scoff and smack a hand against his chest and once again you hear that wonderful laugh from him. Hey! Your purrbeast emojis are adorable, thank you very much! And you'll not hear another word of it or else you'll send him pictures of rocks and rocks exclusively. No more memes.

"Jokes on you I'm into that shit." You laugh and thump your head against his collarbone. You thank him for being with you when were needed it. And picking you up to make sure you didn't deal with it alone. You don't want to make it weird but...yeah.

He doesn't respond this time, just letting you both enjoy the silence and the comforting sound of the engine. You should almost be at Mallek's apartment by now. It's as you're settling in for the last bit of the drive that you notice that the limo isn't moving. And hasn't been for a while. Your head pops up in confusion and the little GPS display on the back of one of the seats says... yep.

You're already at Mallek's.

But then why is the engine still on? That can't be good for the environment. Do these things even run on gas or is it bugs? Bug gas? Gross.

You notice then that the rumbling is coming from behind you. Like. From where Mallek is sitting. He doesn't look away when you turn to him, just kind of tilting his head to the side with a little bit of a cerulean hue to his cheeks. Oh. Oh, the sound is coming from him. He's purring. That's.

That's adorable.

You feel yourself soften even more when he lifts his arms, silently offering a hug if you want it. Is this platonic? Is this more? You've never had too much trouble identifying what people wanted from you. (Debatable.) If was overtly flushed you could shut it down or divert it to something very much friends only. (Like your every exchange with Zebruh.) But did you even want to do that to your hackerman? You could feel yourself screaming, no, absolutely not. But at the same time, you didn't want things to change. You didn't want to make his issues any worse than they already were. He didn't have too much longer on the planet and you knew it would tear him apart.

But then he turned those blue eyes to you. He looked just as unsure as you were but he was willing to take the risk. He shoved himself so far out of his comfort zone for you and was asking you to be selfish. To want something for yourself and do something for yourself. Not put him or anyone else's wants first. Just your own. And so you did.

You crawled up into his lap, pressed yourself as close to him as you could and clung to him. His arms didn't hesitate to wrap around you and you could feel a shuddering breath from above you.

"We don't have to put a label on this... not yet. Or ever. Either way is chill with me. I just... yeah." He gave up with a little shrug of his shoulders but you knew what he meant. Unless you could find a way to fight fate he was going to go off-world. He was going to leave you and you doubted you'd be able to go with him. You'd probably get gored by a drone for even trying.

But even if it was just for now, just for a moment, you were going to take it. You were going to let yourself have something, have someone who would care for you no matter how long or short your time was. You'd take it. You had stomached some of the most horrible things on this planet but Mallek had always been a constant. And you got the feeling he thought the same way about you.

So, you'd take it. Whatever comes next, you'd take it. You listened to the sound of his purring, in no hurry to move to get inside the apartment. Mallek felt the same.

You exhaled.

You would be okay.

#homestuck #hiveswap #hiveswap friendsim #mallek adalov #friendsim #homestuck imagines #hiveswap imagines #reader insert

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wisteriabookss · 3 years

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My ACOSF Review (2/5 Stars)

Please respect my opinions. Not everything I say will be praiseful or nice. While I liked a lot of this book, a lot of it frustrated and bothered me.

This review contains spoilers. Read at your own risk.

This review will be more of an overall impression, and I will get more in depth about certain characters in future posts.

I eventually got into the plot of the book, but I don’t think it was as great or creative as it could’ve been. I feel like SJM recycled ideas she’s already used to create the storyline. A quest to find a magic object that can stop a war and save the world? That sentence applies to both ACOWAR and ACOSF. It’s even more disappointing when you know there were other routes the plot could’ve taken but were eventually scratched. It was the perfect set up for an Illyrian mountain setting, it was written in canon, and, unsurprisingly, SJM retconned and changed it.

The Valkyrie plot was cool, if a bit forced and out of place. Nesta barely starts training, and all of a sudden she wants to recreate a powerful band of female warriors that we’ve never heard of in the context of this world? Honestly, it feels like SJM watched Thor: Ragnarok, and was like, “Yes, that’s what I’m gonna do.” I thought Helions winged horses would come into play with that, but I guess we’ll have to see.

I thought the Blood Rite plot was gone, but we got it in the end, even though it was rushed. The most beautiful parts of the book happened during the Rite, so I’m glad we got to see those.

The ending of Briallyn was so swift I literally had to go back a page to make sure I read it right. Literally one page, and she’s killed. I expected more. I can’t say I'm surprised by how rushed her death was when I knew the Feysand trouble was approaching, and the number of pages left was getting smaller. There wasn’t a doubt in my mind that SJM would save Rhys, Feyre, and their baby. Out of the entire ensemble in Kingdom of Ash, she only had the heart to kill Gavriel, who wasn’t too much of a main character. There was no way in hell she would do that to Feysand.

I’m sorry, but I do not like the name Nyx. Imagine calling someone Nyx? Did she originally have it as Nick, but just needed to put an X? My eyes were rolling so hard when I read it. Just put an ‘O’ in front of it and end our misery, though I still would’ve rolled my eyes at that name too. The name just reminds me of all the blogger moms who put X’s in their child’s names for dramatic effect that ends up looking like they can’t spell.

I also didn’t appreciate the out of touch colloquialisms in this book either. Prythian doesn’t have a name for anxiety, depression, or PTSD, but they know what lactic acid means?

The amount of sex in this book was something we had been warned to expect, and I think due to the fastness of me reading this book (finished in two sittings), it made it feel like the sex was happening every other page, which it basically was. I’m not going to be mad though because a) it was well written, b) I didn’t feel like it harmed the plot too much, and c) this is the only Nessian smut we’re going to see in canon. But that threesome line with Az. . . y'all know which one I’m talking about. . . the one with the details about certain positions. . . chile um anyways let’s move on.

I called it months ago that Emerie would either be Mor or Azriel’s love interest, and looks like it’s going to be Mor. SJM’s writing is fairly predictable, especially when it comes to romantic ships, and she couldn’t have been more obvious about the two of them. I will write about Gwyn and Azriel in Azriel’s chapter review (cause that monstrosity needs a post of its own).

Now about Nesta’s healing arc. Some of it was satisfying and others were saddening. I’m happy that Nesta was able to find purpose in her life, and not believe herself to be worthless or pathetic, but strong and powerful. I’m happy she found Gwynn and Emerie; I love their friendship. I love how they stuck by each other no matter what, and saw the good and potential in one another.

However, even by the end of the book, Nesta still thinks herself as undeserving. Of Cassian, of love. She knows she has it, and she's so grateful for it, but she still believes she is undeserving of it, that Cassian is just so much better than her. A part of learning to love and live with yourself is knowing what you deserve, so why SJM took that from her character, I don’t know. I was continuously disappointed when said she was undeserving of anything, even after she had learned and grown from her mistakes.

Maybe SJM thinks the belief of being undeserving of one's partner is romantic. I’m telling you now, it’s not. All that does is give unnecessary power to a person you believe you are undeserving of, and this leads to unequal power dynamics in a relationship. Rhys was the exact same with Feyre, so I’m guessing it's a theme.

Speaking of romantic themes, the repetition of the “your mine-im yours” line in this book was nauseating. Your going to make Nesta say the exact same thing her sister said when they had sex? Is there nothing else SJM could’ve come up with? It’s just so weird. And I swear to god if I see Elain do the same thing I’m gonna vomit.

Nesta apologized to Cassian about what she said to him on Solstice in ACOFAS as if he never called her unlovable. As if he never said he didn’t understand why her sisters love her. He never apologized for that. There was so much apologizing from Nesta to Cassian about her calling him a brute, as if Cassian didn’t say he was “shackled” to her after she clearly explained how she feared she would lose her humanity if she accepted the word mate. Not if she accepted him, but the word.

For Cassian to routinely tell Nesta to, “shut her fucking mouth,” when she used some attitude against Rhys was comical. Rhys has been bad mouthing and disrespecting Nesta this whole time, and when she shows some warranted attitude in return (not even an insult), Cassian rips into her. It doesn’t matter what he did for you, babe. Not everyone has the same experience with Rhys, so Cassian getting angry when Nesta showing anger at the way she was being treated was wrong. Her experience with him does not become invalidated just because Cassian has a good relationship with him.

There wasn’t a character arc for Cassian, which was one of the most disappointing parts of the book. He thinks of himself as inferior and undeserving as well, and by the end of the book it’s not even clear if that stance has changed. We saw him grow into the courtier persona in the meeting with Eris when Tamlin shows up, but we never see it again. I know there were instances in which he stood up for Nesta, but he also very quicky after that became silent in other moments when they were insulting her. The next book isn’t in his pov, but I’m hoping we see him become more confident in himself and make a firmer stance to protect Nesta (although I doubt he’ll need to seeing as how Rhys kisses the ground she walks on now).

Now onto Nesta’s apologies to the IC. I think Nesta apologizing to Feyre was expected, and I’m glad the sisters had that moment. I am, however, upset that there was never a moment where all the sisters sat down, and hashed it out. Talked about what they’d been through, how it affected them, and how it affected their feelings toward each other. After everything that happened between Nesta and Elain, all that hurt, you’re telling me all it took was Nesta to make Elain laugh by saying “fuck you,” and we’re good? It’s lazy writing.

Elain telling Nesta that she only cared about how her trauma affected her did not sit right with me. Nesta sat by Elain’s side for weeks when she was in the thick of her struggles, and refused to leave her alone for fear that her struggles would eat her up alive. She constantly looked for anything that could help her sister, and never left her unprotected. Nesta and Elain didn’t communicate after the war, for reasons that we now know was because of Nesta’s guilt for Elain being kidnapped. It is not abnormal when a family member has been traumatized by things that have happened to another family member. That’s expected. Ask any family who has lost a child or had a relative go through something horrible.

Elain is acting as if Nesta has only ever been concerned with herself when she’s spent her entire life concerned with Elain. I made a post long ago about how the IC only wanted Nesta to heal for their sake rather than her sake, and there’s so much more evidence for that than for Elain. Elain’s healing process was able to be understood and encouraged by the IC, whereas they had no idea what to do with Nesta. So for Elain to come at Nesta for not caring about her trauma, a second after Nesta was trying to protect her from further trauma by telling her she didn't want her seering for the Trove, was unwarranted.

Speaking about Elain looking for the Trove, what happened there? Elain had this whole speech where she said she wanted to do something and no one could stop her and then we just. . . don’t hear anything about it again? SJM had a perfect opportunity to do something powerful with Elain there, and completely threw it away.

Nesta’s apology to Amren was extreme, dramatic, and honestly, unnecessary. Amren called Nesta a “pathetic waste of life,” constantly demeaned and degraded her anytime her name was mentioned, and said she did all this because Nesta used her as a shield against her problems and the IC. Seriously? Nesta using Amren as a shield does not warrant that kind of verbal abuse. It doesn't make her a pathetic waste of life. Amren’s been alive for how long? And reacts like that to an obvious side effect of extreme trauma? No ma'am. Nesta getting on her damn knees was too much, and obviously just another moment, like a lot of moments, that SJM felt the need to make dramatic. And then having the audacity to let Amren say to Nesta that, “the struggle with the darkness is worth it,” when she was one of those people who contributed to that darkness is disgusting.

I didn’t like Rhys at all in this book. Even after he saw inside Nesta’s mind about her experience in the cauldron, he was still wary and rude with her. Literally anytime Nesta showed that she was changing, Rhys didn’t change anything about his attitude or behavior towards her. A moment of regret, and then he’s back to being arrogant ass Rhys. Him not telling Feyre about the baby was also extremely stupid. It’s her body, her life, her baby’s life, his life, and she had a right to know what was happening. Not telling her because you didn’t want her to be “upset,” is a dumb excuse. I thought you always promised to let her make her own decisions, Rhys? What happened to that promise? The one that was a hell of a lot better than the stupid bargain ya’ll made? Though Nesta told her out of anger, good on her for telling her sister. Should’ve happened way sooner. His apology to Nesta was the only one that warranted the dramatics. That is what you get on your knees for.

That whole scene about him becoming High King had me throwing the book. Amren telling Rhys that the swords were some sort of mother-mary-cauldron-blessed-hallelujah sign that he was supposed to be High King had me fuming. It’s Nesta’s power. It’s Nesta’s sword. That should have never been a discussion. Not everything is for Rhys. These people are so blinded by their love for him they can’t even see how arrogant he is. To write Nesta giving back Ataraxia made me so angry after we just had a whole moment where we find out it means inner peace. I just hope that all of this is not foreshadowing Rhys becoming High King. I know you love him Sarah, but please don’t.

All in all, this book wasn’t too bad. There were some great moments and some bad moments. I think SJM’s biggest issue in her writing is that she doesn’t outline, or at least doesn't seem to outline, not thoroughly. I feel like she uses plot devices willy nilly whenever it’s the easiest solution. There was never a moment where I said, “that was clever!” A lot of it was cool, but not clever. Not creative. She also has a tendency to write very dramatically, in staccato type sentences where everything is made into a big moment, which bugs me a lot.

I love Nesta. She’s still my fav, and will probably always be my fav. This book doesn’t change that, and as you can tell in my review, most of the issues I had weren’t with her behavior, but with the behavior of other characters. I still love Cassian, even though he made me want to rip my hair out sometimes.

Will I read the next books? Probably. I can’t seem to stay away from these characters or these books, so kudos to SJM for writing them. I know a majority of people have given this book 4 or 5 stars, but I can’t bring myself to give it more than 2/5.

#nesta #cassian #nessian #acosf #a court of silver flames #sjm #nesta archeron #nesta x cassian #cassian x nesta #feysand #feyre #feyre archeron #rhysand #elain #elain archeron #amren #sarah j maas #nesta stan #nestastan

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lettersfromkokichiouma · 2 years

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ehehehe hEYyyyyy Kokichiii~~~ I, 🍬 anon have returned!!

ik i sent in an ask not too long ago but likE-

i lowkey needa vent rn and srry if this ends up long as hell lmao (feel free to answer this whenevr you want mod no pressure <3 )

just for some context, a few months or so ago (i have no clue lol) i realized that im a trans demiguy instead of being genderfluid because i realized i was forcing myself to accept she/her pronouns cause i didnt wanna be an inconvience to people but i still liked really feminine stuff which is why i thought i was genderfluid at first, but i just needed some time to really think about it yk? also in case you wanna know my pronouns are he/him or they/them <3

aNyWaY sooo a few days ago i bought a chest binder on amazon and not even a day after it arrived, my parents sat me down and asked me why i bought it behind their backs. cause i never told them i bought it in the first place. they ended up practically forcing me to come out to them because there was no other way i couldve gotten out of the situation, and the reactions i got wheerrreeee mixed to say the least. it could've been much worse, but it felt like it couldve gone so muhc better. my mom started crying and said that she'll accept me no matter "whether you have short hair, long hair, or whatever you wear" which like.... lowkey feels transphobic to me??? like being trans (in my opinion) is hardly ever about what you wear or what you look like, wear whatever the hell you want whether its feminine or masc or whatever. all that matters is what your comfortable with yourself yk? it just kinda feels like she has this incredibly shallow understanding of what being trans is and doesnt even want to try to learn more about it. she was also more concerned about the fact that i didnt tell them before hand which in my opinion isnt something i have to do. just because i didnt come to them about it doesnt mean i dont trust them. she said that she doesnt think she'll be able to use my preferred name and pronouns too soo thAnKs mOm. my dad on the other hand was much more understanding, but still said stuff like "your young" and "your feeling lots of different emotions right now" and my mom said similar things as well. bUUuUut it kinda gets a bit worse... the day after all of this happened, for the entire day, my mom completely ignored me, not even bothering to look me in the eye or even speak to me. while she and my younger brother had a full conversation about his day when i got back from school, she never said a word to me. she didnt even talk to me for the rest of the day until recently where she said "good night". IS THAT IT- its honestly like she doesn't care that she practically ghosted me the entire day. id probably understand if she had a rough day and didnt feel like talking, but she was just fine talking to my brother, so now im wondering if she's transphobic. and ignoring someone let alone her own kid the whole day is something thats really really not like her usual self, so yeah. tbh, i had a gut feeling that she had at the very least internalized transphobia, so now i really wish that i had gotten to test the waters first but instead i was flung straight into the deep end of the pool. metaphorically. although, im not completely sure how this will all play out... in the meantime though, thank you so much for listening kokichi~~ <333 can i have some comfort cuddles please? 👉👈

*covers your face in kisses and cuddles you softly*

“wellll first of all, im super glad you figured that out about yourself!

congratulations! im really proud of you!

...but im sorry your parents didn’t have a good reaction.

if my child came out as trans, i’d throw them a party and buy them anything they want! buuut some parents aren’t like that....

sometimes they do accept you but they’re just reallllyyy bad at understanding what’s going on.

orrrrrr they’re transphobic which is totally awful! i don’t tolerate those types of people!

and you shouldn’t either! you shouldn’t have to deal with dumb people like that or dumb things like transphobia!

you are who you are! and i think you’re amazing!

the easiest thing to give people is respect y’know? and it’s soooo dumb that they can’t give you that right away!

...you’re valid, whether or not they choose to respect you though!

that’s the most important thing to remember! no one can hurt you if you know how incredibly amazing you are y’know?

and im not lying about that. i think you know me enough by now to know i don’t lie about stuff like that!!

and yup! of course i’ll give you comfort cuddles!

*opens arms*

you deserve them after all.”

-Kokichi Ouma

#(me when im trans-)#(and sorry this is so late!!! i know you said no pressure but you deserve a quicker response!!)#(and i completely get it i think my parents might be the same way when i come out)#(but our gender identities are valid no matter what anyone says. it’s our identity not theirs :))#kokichi oma #kokichi ouma

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filmwuju · 3 years

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Hi! Firstly, thanks so much for translating the SG’s confession in Ep 10 in such detail! I feel like I understand a lot more because of you and can appreciate the scene better. I think the argument between MJ and SG in front of their hotel rooms in Ep 9 might also have had some missing details because I couldn’t quite understand it. Only if you want to, I’d really appreciate if you can break down that scene too. Thanks!

hello~ i’m really glad to have helped with the confession scene :)

ah, the ep 9 argument scene is a difficult one. i had a hard time understanding too when i watched it. so while trying to break down the conversation, i also seeked help from few native speakers to confirm that my understanding of the lines made sense. hopefully, it would do the scene justice. this might be a long one too... please bear with me.

i’ll just talk about this portion since the other parts were quite straightforward:

the official subtitles:

MJ: Whenever I feel closer to you, it feels as though you push me right back. You didn't seem to like it when I said you put up walls, so I'm rewording it. I'm not upset, so don't take it the wrong way.

SG: But I told you that I don't put up any walls.

MJ: Then why do I feel like I'm outside an invisible wall right now?

SG: I don't want you to be outside those walls that I didn't even put up.

MJ: Likewise.

SG: If I've become too boring, then tell me so.

MJ: It's just that when I'm with you, I feel left out during the most important moments. And that feeling doesn't happen on its own.

a wordier, more literal, and awkward translation of the conversation:

MJ: Whenever I feel like I've gotten closer to you, it feels as though a line was drawn. It seemed like you didn't like the expression of "drawing a line" (when I said it) last time, so I'm wording it as "drawn." I'm not mad/upset, so don't misunderstand.

SG: But I clearly told you that I don't draw (any lines).

MJ: Then/But why do I feel like I'm outside an invisible line, right now?

SG: I don't want you to be outside the line that I didn't even draw.

MJ: That's what I want too! (to not be outside the line)

SG: If I've become boring (for you), just tell me so.

MJ: When I'm with you, I feel like I'm left out/excluded during the crucial moments, that's why. And the feeling of being left out is something that is difficult to be felt (by someone) on (their) own.

whew, i’m not sure if my translation even made sense. i would have to strongly suggest that you read on the detailed explanation to better understand the lines!

first of all, you might have noticed that the phrase “put up walls” is nowhere to be seen in the literal translation. that’s because the korean phrase they literally were using was “draw a/the line.” my understanding of the phrase is to set a boundary (between two people), which basically means the same thing as “put up walls”, but im letting you know the original phrase for your reference.

now onto the detailed break downs!

this translation just doesn’t make a lot of sense even to me, you have to understand the entire context and where mijoo is coming from. i’m not exaggerating when i said i lost sleep over this line. what even is the difference when mijoo changed her expression from drawing a line, to a line was drawn?? anyway, while im sure most of you know this, if you just look at the two phrases on its own, drawing a line is an active action, like someone actually took the initiative to do it. a line was drawn is passive, there is no action taker.

because seon gyeom claimed that he isn’t putting up any boundary between them, so rather than saying “you, seongyeom, drew the line”, mijoo reworded the phrase to “a line was drawn” — something like, “while you did not purposefully, actively draw a line, you or your actions made me feel like a line has been drawn.” while seongyeom did not draw a line, it was due to seongyeom that mijoo felt like a line has been drawn between them.

the feeling of being left out is something that is difficult to be felt by someone on their own. meaning, it is that kind of feeling that you don’t just easily experience on your own. there has to be a cause, a reason, a certain someone or group that did something for you to feel left out. so the way i understood it is, mijoo was indirectly saying that seongyeom is the reason why she felt left out.

so there we have, the two most confusing lines (at least for me) from the conversation, i’ll add just one more perhaps unnecessary explanation just to make sure things are clear!

SG: I don't want you to be outside the line that I didn't even draw. MJ: That's what I want too! (to not be outside the line)

i’m worried that my translation may cause confusions due to the don’t wants and wants, so just to clarify: what seongyeom literally literally said, in a very standard korean sentence structure, was “i hope that you don’t be outside the line that I didn’t even draw.” which mijoo answers with “that’s what i want (to be like) too.”

let me just use this post as an excuse to publicly appreciate siwan and sekyung’s acting skills! i especially love the micro expressions that siwan had during the conversation. the look in his eyes, tiny movement of his brows — they pained me so much because he looked so confused, and maybe even hurt, when finding out about how mijoo felt. also during the entire ep 9, before the argument, his eyes were literally shooting laser beams of hearts and endearment towards her!! i cannot wait to see more from them.

thank you for reading and please do leave me your comments/opinions about the scene, the lines, or just the drama itself!

#chat #run on #run on kdrama #run on jtbc #mi joo x seon gyeom #ki seon gyeom #oh mi joo #im siwan #siwan #shin sekyung #kdramaedit #run on trans

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kumoriyami-xiuzhen · 3 years

Text

Hakuoki Yuugiroku 2 - Kazama Chapter 3

*sigh* been super tired cuz of the new semester. literally passing out whenever there’s time between classes or after them... though, i’m glad my courses are back to being online. had one in-person class last week and there were roughly 44 people in rooms meant for 50, so social distancing was impossible for most people (i got lucky and was seated by myself)... and while im guessing enough people complained to the school I’m at since the classes switched back to being online now, im still annoyed that the Law Society of Ontario mandated that we had to be in-class in the first place since most legal proceedings seem to be conducted online nowadays... making what the LSO did feel like a situation of “do as I say and not as I do.”

oh well. c’est la vie.

anyway, enjoy~ kazama technically doesn’t show up in this chapter again.

Hakuoki Yuugiroku 2 - Kazama Chapter 3

Translation by KumoriYami

I talked to some of the other warriors about how food had been stolen from the kitchen, which had caused quite a stir......

Unfortunately, I wasn’t able to find any clues about the criminal.

Yukimura: Fu......

While feeling a sense of disappointment, I returned to my room.

Yukimura:......Huh!?

Another letter had once again appeared on my desk.

Yukimura: Wh-Why did this happen again/is another one of these here?

Just like before, the name of the recipient and sender hadn't been written.

Perhaps they were confusing me with someone else?

While thinking that, I opened the letter, which only contained a short sentence.

【Do you have a response now/What is your response/answer/Your response?】

Yukimura:......

Response/Answer to what?

Furthermore, without the name of the recipient, I couldn't write a response/I couldn't write a response without the name of the sender.

Yukimura: Is this someone trying make a joke...? [reword later?]

When I thought that——.

(image of Kazama flashes)

For a split second, I felt as if there was someone behind me, and looked back.

Yukimura:......

But when I looked back, I found that there was no one behind me.

Yukimura: Am I being imagining things/being too oversensitive......?

As I thought that, when I turned my gaze back towards the desk, I noticed that a new letter had appeared.

Yukimura: Th-This wasn't here just now/before/earlier?

It felt as if there was a strange atmosphere/sense of tension in the air.

As I felt a slight chill, I cautiously opened the letter/so I opened the letter carefully.

Then——

【My patience is limited/I have limited patience. Give me a/your response as soon as possible.】

There was only one sentence in the letter again.

Yukimura:......

Even if you say "give me a/your response," it was hopeless since I didn’t have the sender’s name....... which was what I thought.

I could hear the sound of footsteps coming from outside my room.

When I opened the door, I was greeted by the appearance of Kondou-san and Hijikata-san/I saw Kondou-san and Hijikata-san.

Yukimura: Ah...... it's just Kondou-san and Hijikata-san......

Kondou: Oh, Yukimura-kun, what's wrong? You look quite flustered/panicked/worried......

Yukimura: Ah, no...... Kondou-san, Hijikata-san...... I have a question that I wanted to ask...... Did either of you....... happen to leave/place a letter in my room?

Hijikata: A letter? I don't recall doing that/No impression of that...... Did something happen/ What happened?

Yukimura: Yes. Actually——

I described the strange incidents that occurred earlier to the both of them.

I wasn’t sure if they would believe that the number of these worrisome letters had increased......

At first, the both of them looked bewildered/confused, though now they were looking at me with serious expressions.

Hijikata: You're saying that someone broke into your room and left these letters? Is that really what happened/true?

Yukimura: Yes. I also don't understand why this is happening......

Kondou: What the heck is going on? It’s impossible for an outsider to have infiltrated the Shinsengumi’s headquarters......

Hijikata: First of all, can you let me see the letter that was left for you?

Yukimura: Ah, yes, here it is.

I handed the letter [or letters? not enough context to tell if this is plural or not] that had been left on my desk to Hijikata-san.

He frowned as he read the letter, and eventually......

Hijikata:......Somehow, I feel that this is from an arrogant bastard. Just from looking at this.... I feel pretty irritated.

Kondou: This..... I can't discern anything else from this. Furthermore, only one sentence was written.

Hijikata: One sentence is enough to judge that guy's personality.

Kondou: Is, is that so? Then Yukimura-kun, do you any idea/clues about who might have sent these?

Yukimura: Clues? Speaking of which, it felt like I heard that tone before...... [the word i have is "heard."]

I closed my eyes and searched the depths of my memory.

A haughty/arrogant person who would come across as extremely prideful even when sending a letter......

(image of kazama flashes again)

Yukimura: !?

There’s no way/There was just no way...... This is the Shinsengumi's headquarters......

I vigorously shook my head as I tried to push that idea away [tl for the latter half is "shake off the shadow/doubts"].

Yukimura: That's impossible......

Hijikata: In that case, we’ll have to observe the situation for the time being. If something else happens, let me know right away. We still have to deal with the commotion caused by the guy who stole food from the kitchen.

Yukimura: Un-Understood.

Kondou: Then, we'll be going first. See you later, Yukimura-kun.

Yukimura: Okay. Thank you very much for listening to me.

Bowing to in thanks, I bid them farewell as the two of them headed down the corridor.

...What on earth was going on with these letters?

I can only hope that they don't cause too much of a commotion......

-end of chapter-

#hakuoki #hakuouki #hakuoki yuugiroku 2 #Kazama Chikage #Yukimura Chizuru #Hijikata Toshizou #kondou isami #hakuoki game translation

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ijustgothere-thisisamistake · 3 years

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Zoey’s Extraordinary Playlist spoiler alert! (s2e3)

i know there are tags but i wanted to be sure.

so i watched the new zep episode. youtube spoiled me about “its a hard knock life” (the first song from a musical that i actually saw. i know, i need to culture myself) and there was no doubt who would sing it, but they were so good! (obviously, the cast is always amazing). also glad to see a little more from our new female programmers (i hope they get a name like the brogrammers, or like they come up with a new inclusive name, especially with the whole softball thing) i like them so far and hope to see more.

i was wondering how soon they will break zoey and max because i couldn't believe they are going to throw the whole love tringle away so soon. but i do hope they will surprise us more about it in the future. i do think this is the right decision though. i don't know anything about grief in those amount of impact about someone so close to you, but you can tell i will just hurt them both more otherwise. but max made me cry (not really an achievement cause im a crybaby and relate to feelings real quick) and the lyrics even kinda called back to “500 miles” from the last season.

and also if we are talking about “500 miles” for a sec, can i just say that i know this song from “how i met your mother” and because of that it was more like a joke (even though i understood the lyrics and that it is a love song), and then seeing and hearing it in that context?? it got like a whole new meaning to me. like now i really understand the song.

can we talk about leif for a moment? this boy is so messed up that sometimes he can barely do his job as a manager. like, we knew he had issue but he need some love cause one positive word form the brogrammers and he is down to anything not work related. he was kind of a jerk last season but his character development made him a sad puppy. i really hope they will deal with that, cause i think it also set tobin back a little. last season leif was like tobin no we need to be professionals and then tobin was trying his best; but now he just encourage the unprofessional behavior to all of the brogrammers. i mean, he is right when he says that they need breaks like that sometimes but he doesn't know how or when to stop so it will help them rather then set them back.

on an unrelated note, i love seeing meggie and jenna working together! they started their relationship last episode with a lot of potential and im happy they are using it.

#zoeys extraordinary playlist #zoeysplaylist #zep season 2 #zep spoilers #zoey’s extraordinary playlist spoilers #zep season 2 episode 3 #zep s2e3 #zoey clarke #max richman #leif donnelly #tobin batra #himym #i guess i should tag that #meggie clarke #jenna kang

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ziracona · 4 years

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reading your tags on my ask makes me feel super sad for Kate now :(((( idk why exactly but I always felt like she was best friends with David and Laurie and I loved that idea of the fighters being besties, cause none of them are super hardcore people but actually really sweet and compassionate now I really want something for Kate to make her end a happier one :c (though I was glad she didn't end up in a relationship especially cause she was The Hot One) (1/2)

Ah—I didn’t mean to do that—I mean I feel bad for Kate myself, but I don’t mean to make her outcome sound dismal. I think she’s very definitively headed in a good direction at the end of ILM, just she has much less kind of...reached that specific place? Than any of the others. And she absolutely is best friends with David and Laurie! I’m glad you got the sense—she definitely was/is. Just, Laurie isn’t a very demonstrative person, and David isn’t either in the way that say, Meg is, and Kate’s family and her friends growing up were too, and Kate herself would be a very present and demonstratively affectionate person, so she’s actually dear and incredibly valuable to David and Laurie (to the point I wouldn’t even be surprised if a few years post-fic the three of them became a poly relationship or something), just they are similar in ways they show friendship and can absorb it, and very different from Kate, so she doesn’t realize she’s as important to them as she is. Which is sad. Because while she thinks she’s just kind of a friend but not an important one to most of them, she’s actually way more valued than she knows. The poor fool just has always been around (and is herself) the most demonstratively loving & affectionate and extroverted/present people, and straight up can’t tell. 😔 Tbh, I think Jake considers her one of his closest friends too, after like Dwight, Meg, Nea, Claudette, and Ace, it’s probably Kate (or maybe Kate & Adam, now that they live in the same house as Adam 24/7). Kate, David, and Laurie are very, very different people in how they show their core traits, but very very similar in what those traits are, so they definitely did gravitate together and are/were best friends. David went with Laurie to Haddonfield to keep her safe, and Laurie spent a ton of time with just Michael even though he was just across the street—not because he lost value to her, but because the order things had to be done was help Michael first, everything else second. I think/hope it’s evident from her solo sections before she’s hanging out with David again that she wants to and cares about him, and from David’s that Kate is someone he specifically misses, worries about, and considers a kindred soul/the person who most understands him.

Just the way they are by nature, David and Laurie read their affection easier even though it’s more understated and understood than spoken and shown in a constant way, and my poor girl Kate just doesn’t know. And so she doesn’t think she is important in the same way, and tries to be okay with it. David and Laurie wouldn’t like, ever pick up on this, because they (like most people) would expect others pick up cues they would, and Kate wouldn’t tell them because to her that would be like, “Hey Laurie it makes me sad that I’m not as important to you as you are to me,” and terrible and being a bad friend and Kate would never do that. Would be way more understanding than that, and is willing to love people more than they love her be you can’t control if people love you, but that doesn’t make your devotion to them invaluable—which is an incredibly kind and good thing about her. Together the lack of noticing and lack of talking could present a huge problem, but they’ve got like 90 friends and Kate will eventually tell someone, and even if it’s someone with as little context as Joey, that person will talk to her friends, and things will sort out. I truly think she can only be fine after a while post-fic, even if she’s the most rough off at its end by far, because people will find out she can’t tell how they feel, and when they do, they will make sure that changes. (Poor bitch got Laurie [trauma afraid to like anyone dead inside trying to learn to live again], David [I will protect people first & foremost & can’t wait to see my mates again : ( but I’m sure it’ll be great when I do—they know I care : ) and I know they do : )], Jake [if I express vulnerability or too much attachment to another human being I will die], Quentin [im dealing with so much trauma and 16 people want my time every day and if you don’t call me I will never call you bc I will pass out on my bed not bc I don’t care but bc my head is a depression pit trying to fix and it holds 0 storage not being actively called upon by an outside force I’m so sorry I suck im trying I’m trying TnT when do I get to be better again?], and Meg [i am insecure and think other people will always get tired of me, so if I’m not feeling pretty damn assured, I will assume I’m not as important to you as you are to me and be sad about it and worry and try to figure out next steps, probably overthink, and mess up :’-] ] as her best friends. But they’ll work it out once someone has the damn sense to just fkn communicate.

So don’t worry too much about Kate! I feel really bad for her because her whole kind of worldview crisis is rough and she’s going through a lot while feeling very alone, and her feelings are rough to deal with, but she is super valued by her best friends, and I’m not sure how fast it will happen, but someone will talk to her eventually and then people will fix the lack of communication and she will be okay. Might take a while to convince, but she will get there. (Also yeah—if Kate ever dates someone it’ll be a few years post-fic at least & not bc she’s the hot one, but bc somebody just really loves her & she loves them back, and they decide a romantic relationship is what they want that to look like : )

#hope this made sense! my buddy is visiting from Cali for the day so i typed this super fast right before a next thing 🤣#ask #anonymous #kate denson #its sad she feels so unimportant and doesnt even understand why/assumes it must just be hernnature to be good amd enjoyed but #not necessary or invaluable. but she /will/ be okay bc this is not the case. and while it might take a while for ppl to realize how she #thinks of herself. they will eventually. and she will start healing again. its just gonna be rough for a while first #in living memory (fic)#in living memory #dead by daylight

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alchemist-shizun · 5 years

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As expected, Dealing with intrusive thoughts is now one of my favorites

Here I come with almost all of my reactions on the episode, even though I tagged the spoiler warnings I put everything under the cut just in case. Enjoy the emotional rollercoaster while I'll probably go and rewatch it again.

Okay kinda expected one or two of the warnings but all of them together what is gonna happen???? (Though they make sense after reading the title)

HELLO FRESH BACK AGAIN

"I'm awesome and I can do this" there goes my boy. *said boy falls flat on the floor* ...come on

I felt that yawn bc I stayed up all night waiting for the video but it dropped at 8 am, I'm an idiot who should've gotten more sleep

"help me" why is he such a mood "everything is going wrong in my life" same but YOU SHOULDN'T SAY THAT LET ME HUG YOU

They're all sinking up so fast god I missed my bois. Also the general awkwardness of Virge and Pat, greeeeat something will go wrong

Virgil just ignoring everything and touching the railing, a mood

ALSO PLEASE LET ROMAN IN THE SITUATION

SECRET SECRETS ARE NO FUN TELL ME NOW OR ELSE WE'RE DONE

wait why does Ro want to be deeply troubled- man are you okay-

LOGAN'S HERE

"your most extreme reaction is an eyebrow raise" "FALSEHOOD" "I stand corrected" omfg

"what are you ta- what are you talking- what are you talking about?" I loved that whole take it made me feel complete

"Look I barely got any sleep" this can apply to a lot of us and I love just how we're all always like "TAKE CARE OF YOURSELF" but in the end this is where we all end up anyway

Okay I'm very curious about these troubling thoughts though

"so sushi" FUCCC I DIED RIGHT THERE

"Don't act like that was an accident" "everybody, Virgil. Let's give it up for the Purp Man" these speak for themselves. Also the purp man is my new fav nickname and I'm gonna use it.

4:17 Patton is adorable bye

"if you continue to push this we're going to end up in really dangerous territory" AND THAT'S WHERE THE TENSION STARTED TO BUILD UP

great flick

"am I delirious or is this the funniest video I've ever made" I felt that

YOU HIGH-JOCKED

okay but when Thomas starts disassociating I also feel really weird like as if there was something blocking my own hearing for real?? And not just the audio edited like that?? Maybe I'm just too tired

WHAT WHO WHHH first intrusive thought making its way what is gonna happen

OH MY GOD ROMAN WATCH OUT ALSO THAT'S DEFINITELY A NEW DARK SIDE OR SMTH LIKE THAT

W HO THE FUCKLKDSL IS THAT A MOUSTACHE IS THAT GLITTER WHAT IN THE WORLD IS HE WEARING WHAT IS HE DOING THERE PLEASE- okay but he looks crazy af I like that

"-evIL" "-SHOW UP"

First time I watched the scene where Ro gets knocked out I literally just screamed "ROMAN" in a high pitched sound I was shook wtf my bOY

Patton and Thomas's yells in unison plus "YOU KILLED HIM" I just I JUST

"Ah, he's the Duke" "....... boo" AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA

Okay but his voice is so on point with his character portrayal he's so weird it's awesome?

SONG SONG SONG and oh goodness the visuals I can't fathom how much editing work must have gone through this, they're all so talented.

"aunt patty naked" A G AI N??

"IM GONNA WHIP YOUR BUTT"

a snaKE IT'S DECEIT oh my these silouhettes are so great this is my favorite scene

this is gonna be stuck in my head all day

THE COOL MIRROR EDIT.

god i hate him so much already but i'm super intrigued he's so chaotic the whole team made a wonderful job i'll never stop saying this

"i'm really stupid right now" just how much out of context relatable content are we going to get on this fine day?

omg the dark version of creativity, which can be associated with intrusive thoughts, that's very clever

THE JUICY STUFF DANCE

"Repression can be very bad indeed" I mean he's right tbh it leads to never solving the problem at all

GO LOGAN GO HAVE YOUR TIME TO SHINE FINALLY i missed him

"i can't hear youuuuuu" much like "I don't understand what you're saying I don't know anything about words" THE DARK SIDES ARE ALL SASSY LITTLE BITCHES

pattonnnn did a real good job

THE BRAVE HANDSOME UNBEATABLE ROMAN and mashed potatoes

"scary" and Virgil just gives Thomas a look idk I live on the little details (Im ten minutes into the vid and look how long this post already is)

GEE Remus (already using his name bc it's shorter) looking so offended at the label and then pointing out it should be a Virgil problem whAT DOES THIS MEAN IM SHAKING

WHY WOULD HE BE DECEIT AGAIN IM DYING. "Idk if you guys can tell but I'm a little silly"

"then why are you lying" no everybody I don't need angst

THE BLACK AND THE WHITE THEORY I SAW GOING AROUND good job to whoever thought of that

JOAN

the forbidden dance

INTO A BUTTHOLE WHAT IS IT WITH HIM AND BUTTHOLES

there u go thomas said it too

haters gonna hate hate hate hate hate FHDSLAKLFD

irresponsible parenting, Logan completing the parental unit of the sides

"maybe there's hope for you after all!" me looking at all my wips

REMUS' LAUGH IS PERFECT. also "BITCH WHAT IS *YOUR* DEAL"

"you've never been one to soften the truth" OH BOI HERE WE GO

"do we have some case of brain swap???" I legitly said "maybe" in unison with Patton the first time

Vee pls stop putting Thommy boy down he's having a bad time

Logan trying to put some sense into the situation is my only spark of hope for this to turn back good

REMUS IS SO DRAMATIC

That lick was ....... let's pretend it never happened

"you know who can help us with that???" DECEIT'S SONG COMING UP that was great, imagine the chaos that the duo would create

"THATS WHAT REPRESSION IS?"

gasp Remus trying to make Virgil angry at Logan shall not stand DON'T PUT THEM AGAINST ONE ANOTHER HE'S JUST TRYING TO HELP

"you all are not listening to Thomas" this is the development I needed

"you're just para-" and he cuts himself. You all know what I'm talking about. Foreshadowing probably? This happened too back then when Roman was almost calling him the same. And then Virge looks so hurt I- "thank you for being on guard" that made me want to cry idk

the whole speech Logan gave? Pure gold. That was perfect.

HE SAID FIGURATIVELY *CLAP CLAP CLAP*

"UH RECORD SCRATCH?"

"does this make me cool?" djslagrkglhf also the teeth thing right after what the

... the deodorant eating ...

DUKEY

The first time I watched I thought his name was spelled Remis that's how dumb my Italian ass is

Still I love his name bc I'm a nerd for ancient culture, ESPECIALLY Roman (and ancient Greek but it isn't mentioned here) and I love the little thing they did with both Creativity names, super clever and very much liked on my part.

"I would never hide anything from you" and he looks at Virgil JUST ALL THIS FORESHADOWING

LOGAN SHOWING HIS TEETH BACK UP

"how about you shut up" Roman what the hecc man

THAT THING INTO LOGANS HEAD UNSETTLED ME A BIT

what are they doing to him today let him rest

double blow

"can we logic our way out of that?" everybody nodding was so pure

"shit"

THAT FUCKING JUMPSCARE I'M SORRY WHAT THE FU

"not all thoughts are meaningful"

He's go- no he's back again

THE CALLBACK MENTION AND PATTONS REACTION... probable foreshadowing to what Joan said about there being a part two of SvS?

"When are you actually gonna jump out of a moving car I've been bringing it up for years" so it's not just me..?

"it is okay if the thought happens to cross your mind"

"everything is okay" I'm going to cry I needed that

I love how Logan touches the topic that there is no problem in seeking help from therapists. There's a lot to say on this, but I was really glad that was pointed out since the are a lot of stereotypes on the matter

why did Virgil look like he was about to cry

Patton I love you

Thomas going to rest is what everyone wanted to see

Virgil confronting Remus I'm living you're doing amazing sweetie

"you tickle me emo"

"it was just like old times" then Pat and Lo's looks in this essay I will

ROMAAAAN

VIRGILS SMILE

"YOU'RE ALIVE"

"I LOVE YOU" ME TOO!! ME TOO ME TOO

"are you good?" "are you hurt at all?" I love when the sides look out for each other

"I'm sorry Logan" right through the heart. Another development.

I need y'all to look at Virgil in this exact second because. he.

that's my point.

All those smiles while Logan's talking are making me alive

"No seriously, you're ... really ... cool" I started tearing up right here. Twice. And then Logan sinks down cause he's not at all used to this and he's feeling t h i n g s please keep on being appreciated you deserve it

Also Patton always learning from his mistakes and understanding them when he does something wrong or he thinks in the wrong direction, that's something I think a lot of people need to learn, including myself. Like, it's okay to be wrong and make mistakes, just do your best to make sure you're improving yourself afterwards, instead of dwelling on it too much

"I don't like him" makes two of us

"Soooo you have a brother?" oh boy

The m i r r o r it's making me cry

"He's gone now and he's never coming back!" "I don't think that's-" "BYEE" what was all that talk about repression for if you contiNUE TO DO THIS ROMAN please I beg of you let us hELP YOU he's making me die inside

Oh boi the big moment. I already expected a bomb to drop since Virgil was the last one remaining.

"You okay buddy?" "Huh?" op somehow was already found crying

"I'm a little disappointed in myself" istg all that foreshadowing mixed with me wanting to hug him

The music picking up tension, this is poetic cinema let me tell you

I noticed how he calls them "the others", all these tiny details is what I'm living for

"I should know better" I couldn't beLIEVE IT, also how he seemed to be so frustrated made something inside me break

the pause and then "Because I was one of them", the music stops for a second, a little second in which you can hear my distant screaming "GOSH HE SAID IT IT WAS TRUE"

Thomas is speechless and just stares at him while the music picks up again and then Virgil's sigh and expression sinking down like "there you have it. that's the truth. and you can't do anything about it" he looks so defeated I'm breaking down.

Did I already mention poetic cinema? I just love angst and this scene was perfect

First time watching I, too, barely understood anything I was listening to in the last parte because all of that was really a lot to take in.

"Those thoughts that you may have thought do not define you"

"[the thought] may simply be that we are really okay"

"Go to bed!" me

no im not in the mood for food because for some unfathomable reason I had anxiety before the video dropped yay me

WHY ARE U DRINKING RED WINE WITH THAT DISH

GAVIN BEST BOY EVER

and last but not least: are you fucking serious Remus

THERE'S A SNAKE IN MY BUTT FANDFKJL

I didn't expect this topic at all and I am so glad it was talked about, thankfully my intrusive thoughts do not bother me as much as I realized other people's do. And I never saw anyone talking about this before, which is why it makes this video so important. I saw a tweet recently about someone saying that it is okay if you think about weird things, the important is that you never act on them, that's what makes you a good person. But I think this video really explains it far better and I never realized how common something like this was? So yeah another time in which I've been educated and couldn't be happier about it. These people really are bringing light to the world gah I LOVE THEM.

oKAY guess I'm done this was a wild ride and yeah I tend to point out EVERYTHING, so here you have it, as I already mentioned if you feel the need to geek out too, I'm here for ANYBODY! (pls I have no friends)

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rarebuzzships · 5 years

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drewgene headcanon

submitted by @thehumblehumdrum

O K A Y so i have this headcanon i just made up about hours ago and revolves much around andrew/eugene and it all starts with the “dudes complimenting each other” video in which they’re featured in and i could see a bit of the tension between them. and that inspired me to make this MESS of an au headcanon.

heads up, just a warning for those reading – the story gets pretty steamy and explicit at some point. other than that, it’s crazy!

without further ado, here’s the whole story:

• this one is mostly from andrew’s pov • this is set in early 2015 when the video came out so a few days after the shoot for that, andrew and eugene find themselves at a house party one of their coworkers are holding (lets say quinta’s) • at this time, andrew has been thinking about the compliments he had received from eugene the other day for a while, to a point when he just like… has so many questions. the questions may vary from why was he that tense? to stuff like he knows most things about me but does he have something that i’m not supposed to know about? that kind of stuff • also, compliments in general. other than eugene being that tense, andrew didnt give too much compliments to him. was he a bit nervous? too shy? etc etc

(the rest is under a cut cause it’s pretty long)

• andrew was eager to know more about eugene so…. he decides he talk to him. eugene was probably already done chatting with some of the female coworkers about work and things so andrew gets the chance to do that step • they begin chatting with each other about simple things. and then, andrew went straight to the point - he asks eugene how it felt to tell compliments • since the alcohol may have started to seep into both of their systems, eugene becomes… more honest… like he admits he just doesnt like being given compliments and the fact that he can be uncomfortable with that. it might have personal factors but yeah i hope you get the point • and then andrew becomes also as vulnerable as eugene when it comes to compliments of course they talk about compliments and just went to a deeper conversation about it. • what happens is that they end up talking for more than an hour now (?) (wow idk why time flies) and by those times andrew gets a bit of an attraction towards him. and, because they’re slowly getting drunk at this point, while eugene is still talking, andrew makes a move that he instantly regrets fast enough. andrew leans in to kiss eugene for a short moment until regret hits our cryptid blonde boy like a TRUCK

• immediately, things start to become awkward between andrew and eugene. just after a sudden kiss, andrew dismisses that it happened and then he said goodbye to eugene without any proper explanation or context. andrew left the party early and shortly after, he tries his very best to avoid eugene at work or even at least everywhere outside work. • andrew somehow just doesnt completely ignore eugene altogether. because sometimes andrew tells himself to stop panicking over something that unimportant (like a kiss after a long conversation about compliments), and, when he abides this promise to himself miraculously, eugene, like, appears out of fucking nowhere, to ask him about paperwork. andrew wants to die a little inside knowing this mysterious man can not be avoided. • this little game that andrew wished never happened lasts for an amount of around 6 or 7 months since that kiss. then, one day, andrew looks back and thinks through, and decides to stop acting such a pussy about this situation and be brave enough to confront eugene. • so, one day at work, during lunchtime he asks eugene if he’d like see each other just to hang out in a cool bar next friday. not exactly a date but… a hang out. andrew may bring his friends over, eugene may bring his own as well. and eugene’s reaction was like, casual. he just was okay with it, nothing too serious about it • so to andrew, they finally agreed to hash whatever this is out. but he’s a littleeeee bit nervous of the outcome

• okay next thing. a week has passed since they agreed, and andrew walks into the bar to see his friend adam and a new buzfeed intern (probably niki, or annie) waiting for him. • he tries to look around for eugene, only to find nothing except some other familiar faces he had seen from work. like thespi, andrew’s longtime friend from college (and not his actual partner in this au, im so sorry you’ve been pulled into this), chatting with safiya and freddie about a new set of video ideas probably. she waves at him and smiles, he waves back. other than that, nothing else. for now though • andrew finally reaches to his friends who have been staying at a booth for a while now. eventually eugene comes in, partly to andrew’s relief. and also to andrew’s surprise, because eugene somehow just showed up with no one else beside him… i guess thats how it is then huh • eugene joins them and after a few more drinks, both he and andrew feel more loose from the stress of work and of life, and he gets to share that too with adam and the other intern friend. • like eugene, who tends to drink more than any other person in any room, andrew is about 7 drinks in. he’s also as equally tolerant to alcohol as eugene too so that’s neat. somehow the amount of alcohol leaves adam and the intern friend feeling a bit worried • but whatever, eventually the tightening tension between andrew and eugene have loosened up now so thats good. buuuut andrew doesnt want to end up becoming too comfortable around him and too drunk to be shitfaced to be aware of his self. • so he tries to think deeper and eventually asks eugene to go outside for some fresh air. the latter agreed. so they’re outside now. • at this time, andrew takes his time to think of anything sensible to say, especially about that kiss and the compliments and shit. he is surprised that as andrew was planning to open his mouth to talk, eugene steals his plan instead and goes to tell him that… he admitted he really was tense when he complimented andrew like months ago. • so eugene basically goes on to admit that he was trying his best to hide some other certain topics from that last conversation that he thought might make andrew uncomfortable • andrew leaves himself more surprised when eugene, a good minute later, asks immediately about the kiss. like… just casually “about that kiss…. i didnt… expect that from you. at all.” • now both of them seem prepared to finally (FINALLY) go to the topic and… in the end, there is a certain amount of relief and clarity between eugene and andrew. they’re glad (actually andrew’s the most glad) that they have patched up together and gained a better understanding from that issue. andrew is glad he’s gotten a satisfying response from eugene, that it’s “no hard feelings” like eugene just understands him well, andrew thought.

• after a brief moment of relief shared between the two of them and a few hearty smiles and laughs, andrew, ready to shoot for the next topic, comfortably and confidently compliments eugene’s chameleon hair (he deserves better compliments other than ‘great posture’); to his appreciation, eugene follows suit. • when eugene compliments anything about andrew this time around, he seems… more relaxed and confident in himself than he was the day of thr shoot. there is a little change that would probably affect him for the rest of his life, but of course in a good way. • then it’s all smiles in the end.

• like i said, andrew was glad he finally got to talk through properly with eugene and then get a sense of relief after months of tension. • but there is a catch! • somehow, andrew has no fucking clue whatsoever how he managed to end up in a restroom stall, leaning against the partition wall from the overriding pleasure he’s receiving right now, his dick in eugene’s mouth. • there must be an explanation how they have ended up here. maybe the alcohol finally got the best of them? maybe them becoming as more laxed than they both were the entire time? maybe appreciating compliments better than early that year, to a point where both of them want to explore a bit further? • there are so many questions, but it seems that they don’t give a single shit tonight. andrew may probably think that this could be a bad idea that could risk their friendship, and eugene looks like he shares the same sentiment as well, but now apparently they’re liking how all this is leading to. now andrew just hopes they stay good friends and co-workers in the end after they sleep at eugene’s place. • (they eventually stay good friends after a night of oddly wild sex and some very pleasing compliments. and they stay like that months after. and they still stay like that when they get themselves their big breaks – andrew with the success of steven’s show “worth it” in which he eventually becomes more active in its production, and eugene with his best friends, the tryguys, who are taking small steps in starting their own company independent from buzfeed.) • (they still remain friends in the end, despite the incoming pressures of work and social media fame. and it’s all good)

• aaand a whine escapes from andrew’s lips the moment he’s almost ALMOST close to the edge, when he doesn’t feel the tongue anywhere around his hard-on. then, eugene catches his breath and says, looking more flushed than he was, “we should continue somewhere else. don’t want anyone else to hear us… not even our work friends.” • andrew agrees. “yeah,” he whispers. • then, always the sneaky person he is, eugene woos him with a little tease here and there. and worse, he isnt even touching andrew now; instead, their faces are at their closest, distance is just non-existent. • andrew needs him tonight. he needs to touch eugene and hear him moan in pleasure. he just craves more than compliments at this point. he craves total attention. see the other guy fall apart in the same way he did to andrew. • and, a smirk appears on andrew’s face. if eugene wants to play fire, then he’s definitely game. so he dries off and zips his pants again, and he and eugene are leaving the restroom satisfied, out of the bar, and into eugene’s place…. • and they spotted another familiar face from work. just staring at them as if he just had a weird fucking experience. • oh • andrew and eugene quickly (and tries to casually) act on that reaction. then eugene just smiles a smoldering smile (of course one of them has to do that what the shit) and greets “hey. have a great night” to the shellshocked man. • then andrew with “i’m so sorry you had to hear that,” then they leave quickly to bid andrew’s friends and other familiar faces goodbye.

• and the wide-eyed man, who may have just heard two co-workers enjoying each other with a blowjob and saw them leave, reconsiders his life choices at this point.

• that wide-eyed man… that was ryan.

+ bonus: ▪ ryan, after what felt like fucking forever, eventually decides to call it a night early on. ▪ so he bids the rest of “the test friends” (shane, daysha, and maycie are at a table a few blocks away from the booth where eugene and andrew with his friends used to occupy earlier. jen couldn’t make it with them that night.) farewell for the night. one of ryan’s companions, daysha, saw something odd written all over his face… did he see/hear something else he wasnt supposed to see/hear? ▪ so daysha took notice and asks ryan if he’s okay or if something happened in the restroom. to which ryan replied in his vaguest of expressions. (yep, he definitely witnessed too much.) ▪ he just has to leave the bar because of what happened back in the restroom. he profusely apologizes to his friends about leaving this early, that he could make that up with something (a new test friends video idea maybe?) ▪ moments after ryan’s sudden leave, the rest of the friends share some vague looks. eventually one of them decides to change the topic so the atmosphere doesn’t get more weird. ▪ maycie brings up a conversation, a topic that revolves around some juicy office rumour almost half of the buzzfeed l.a. office knows about. ▪ she basically introduces that rumour to shane and daysha, who until this point had not been aware of that. then, maycie moves further to the real deal, the hot topic: something that has to do between the “cryptid” and the “hot guy.” ▪ shane and daysha take their own time to digest what maycie’s been talking about… then one of them finally figures out. ▪ shane, immediately recalling almost everything as maycie had recently mentioned, somehow in his mind plots some of those – cryptid and hot guy, awkward tension, stuff like that – with ryan’s scared expression from the restroom… and. ▪ oh ▪ shane’s face starts to mimic the same way as ryan’s, only leaving the girls with more questions and… oh. OH. ▪ i guess they somehow figured out now the outcome.

god… that took me an entire night to make that up

well, hope you enjoyed! (hopefully no one else from buzzfeed or anyone involved sees this pleaSe)

#submission #drewgene #headcanons #bfwi #ttg #buzzfeed unclean #andrew #eugene

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otterplusharchive · 6 years

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im going to be tagging this appropriately but i want to give a warning at the beginning of this post also that ill be talking about suicide/suicide attempts and death overall in it, its something that because of recent events (thatll become clear further on in this post) ive been thinking about and trying to word. im sorry that this is probably going to be long but ill put a tldr at the end for a large chunk of my life ive been suicidal. im 20 right now and from the ages of 13 to 18 i can tell you that there wasnt a day that went by that i didnt think about killing myself and it was normal for me to try and kill myself once a week. looking back on it now i know that my household and school environment have both been toxic and abusive to me since an early age and that i really was depressed even before i was 13. thoughout my struggles i felt so alone, and the one thought that kept nagging at me was "i dont matter. no one would miss me if i were gone. nothing would change if i were gone. people would be happier if i were gone". last week, my friend passed away. i still dont know the cause, he was still young and healthy, he did obstical courses and had to be physically fit for his job. when i found out that he had died it hit me like a pile of bricks and all i could feel was numb. he wasnt an incredibly close friend, i didnt know everything there was to know about him, but he was still my friend. in my dnd group he was one of two people who i felt respected by and who would treat me with kindness. he made jokes with me, helped me with my characters, asked me how i was doing. he may not have been my best friend but he was still a part of my life and still a friend. over the course of the week it was hard to soak in that someone i cared about was really gone. i kept thinking about how i hadnt gone to dnd in easily a month, kept wondering when the last time i wouldve said goodbye to him was. it really did feel like suddenly a part of my life was shattered and there was a gaping hole there. i couldnt wrap my head around it, it just didnt make sense, i didnt understand why this had happened and i felt guilty for not appreciating my time with him more while he was here. the wake came at the end of the week and a dear friend and i drove to the funeral home, which was actually literally just one turn away from the house where we played dnd with him. we all thought that we would just be saying goodbye to an urn, because it was our friends wish to be cremated, but i stepped inside the funeral home, saw the open casket, and it felt like my heart stopped. i knew i wouldnt be able to handle seeing my friend lying there dead. there were a few people we knew there, most from theater and dnd. we headed over to one particular person who happens to be the tallest man ive ever met. hes a very nice person but when you look at him out of context he seems very imposing and not necessarily friendly. ive known this guy since i was ten and i have never once seen him the way he was at the funeral home. his eyes were red and it was obvious that he had been sobbing, and when he greeted each of us he gave me a big crushing hug and i could just. feel how horrible this was for him. hed grown up with our friend who was lying there in the room. i eventually walked over to the casket and to my friends family, none of who i had ever met, and as soon as i tried to talk to his mother i started crying. i told her through tears that her son had been very kind to me and that i appreciated him a lot. i couldnt walk all the way to the casket because it was too much. i whispered goodbye and left. we drove back in silence. tldr: you have more of an impact on people than you realize. you impact the lives of people you meet even for a moment, even if you never meet them again you still have affected them by meeting them no matter how fleeting. even if youre not best friends with someone your presence still matters and changes both the world and peoples lives. and their lives are absolutely not the same without you. no matter how alone you might feel i can absolutely guarentee that you would be missed. you ALWAYS matter. you ALWAYS are important. your life always has inherent worth and inherent value. youre important to the universe and the people in your life, you matter and the world wouldnt be the same without you. the world is better with you in it and im glad that youre alive. please dont give up on yourself, you are so loved.

#for blacklist:#death #suicide mention #suicide #death mention

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defenestrata · 6 years

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HYEONJIN + ALL GOTTA STAN THE ISFP

realm knows my weak spot !!! hyeonjin is my baby boy, my sun, my stars and i will rant about him forever —

QUESTIONS FOR YOUR OCs

What’s the maximum amount of time your character can sit still with nothing to do?

probably years. he’s good at observing his surroundings and also slipping into quiet existential thoughts so you could probably forget him in a store and come back two hours later to him staring blankly at a mannequin.

How easy is it for your character to laugh?

maybe a 7 on the scale of 1 to 10. he’s trained to not be too rambunctious when he laughs, but giggles and chuckles are easy to get out of him.

How do they put themselves to bed at night (reading, singing, thinking?)

is there something fundamentally wrong with my ocs if the two that have been asked about both need drugs. i hate. hyeonjin takes an anti-epilepsy drug that he’s addicted to to deal with anxiety attacks. the time of contemplation before sleeping is prime time for intrusive thoughts. so he has to take a dose.

How easy is it to earn their trust?

easier than a normal person. it comes to a point in his life that anyone who’s even remotely nice to him is considered a friend, and anyone who does him favours is deemed trustworthy. he’s a sensitive kid.

How easy is it to earn their mistrust?

hyeonjin is as quick to cut people off as he is to take them in. even the smallest act of betrayal will lead to hyeonjin ignoring you for the rest of your life. he’s hyper guarded and hyper open at the same time, it’s hard to explain.

Do they consider laws flexible, or immovable?

laws are very flexible in his opinion. the law is usually made by people who are somewhat out of touch with reality. if a law doesn’t help people, or serve any other benevolent purpose, it’s not worth following.

What triggers nostalgia for them, most often? Do they enjoy that feeling?

nostalgia isn’t very easy to trigger for him. his childhood was full of love and affection but also without any very clearly unique incidents. it felt like a movie character’s childhood. disneyland, trips to the beach, school days. nothing very standout. meeting his mother alone would be enough to make him remember the old days ( his parents are divorced btw ) but then it becomes a very, very painful feeling.

What were they told to stop/start doing most often as a child?

oh god, what wasn’t he told to stop/start doing. being a child actor for a short while, and then constantly in the public eye because his father is a well-known and politically involved businessman and his best friend is instagram-famous — he always had to be conscious of whether he was slouching, how eloquently he spoke, being careful not to look disinterested and so on. so his childhood was pretty regimented.

Do they swear? Do they remember their first swear word?

he tries not to, to be polite, but the habit is steadily growing on him. his first swear word was probably said when he was fourteen or something and even then it was probably something pretty inoffensive like 제기랄 ( equivalent of bullshit ).

What lie do they most frequently remember telling? Does it haunt them?

oh. well, he’s been hiding a drug habit from his father since forever. it makes him feel really, really guilty, but he tries to justify it to himself by saying that the calmness that the drug gives him actually helps him fulfill his father’s expectations better. it’s still a weight on his psyche and he hates himself more for it.

How do they cope with confusion (seek clarification, pretend they understand, etc)?

unfortunately, hyeonjin will only seek clarification if the person is close to them. otherwise that kind of admission of ignorance … yikes emoji.

How do they deal with an itch found in a place they can’t quite reach?

suffer.

What color do they think they look best in? Do they actually look best in that color?

he doesn’t really know anything about fashion, and depends almost entirely on a team of stylists, his housekeeper and his best friend to dress. so he doesn’t really know what he looks best in. outsiders will have you know that he looks best in red.

What animal do they fear most?

hyeonjin is not a fan of snakes, which begs the question: how did he become one later ?

How do they speak? Is what they say usually thought of on the spot, or do they rehearse it in their mind first?

if talking to heather ( a friend :) ), jiwon ( his best friend ) or sungmi ( his housekeeper / older sister figure ), he won’t think at all before talking. otherwise, he’s rehearsing every goddamn syllable in his head like three times.

What makes their stomach turn?

blood. mostly blood. people yelling at him. the thought of the people he loves being unhappy. people relying on him. being some kind of hero.

Are they easily embarrassed?

yes. thankfully, the people closest to him have learned to veer around his insecurities.

What embarrasses them?

positive reinforcement. praise, compliments, telling him to get out of his head and be happier, anything that makes him feel a little less dead inside makes him all blush emoji and flustered.

What is their favorite number?

5. it’s a nice, pleasant, round number.

If they were asked to explain the difference between romantic and platonic or familial love, how would they do so?

familial love in his opinion is a much more jaded kind of platonic love: “i love you but you exhaust me — and there’s this quiet understanding that we’ll have to come apart.” platonic love is purer, teetering on the edge of irrationality but not there yet, a little restrained, never complete. and romantic love is complete. everything the person does is beautiful, nto categorised into good or bad. they become a part of you.

Why do they get up in the morning?

he’d rather not. but people love him. and (later on) people need him.

How does jealousy manifest itself in them (they become possessive, they become aloof, etc)?

positive emotions manifest with more intensity in hyeonjin and so do negative emotions. it takes a bit to get him jealous but once he is, he can become pretty toxic and petty towards the person encroaching. this is almost entirely about his crush, though. he has nothing else to be jealous about.

How does envy manifest itself in them (they take what they want, they become resentful, etc)?

envious hyeonjin means a very repressed hyeonjin who will avoid the source of envy to the maximum possible extent and become distant.

Is sex something that they’re comfortable speaking about? To whom?

noooo. he was raised in a pretty conservative setting. sex and sex appeal makes him flustered to talk about. the most he’ll do is entertain jiwon’s rants about people finding him sexy, and even that with a bit of internal cringing.

What are their thoughts on marriage?

hyeonjin in a michael scott vc: marriage sounds nice. would love to be loved someday. jskjds but in all serious the idea of marriage is so lovely he’d love to be married but who’d marry him haha

What is their preferred mode of transportation?

limousine. sorry. he’s rich, and it’s comfortable.

What causes them to feel dread?

oh, loads of things. on especially shitty days, talking to any people. public speaking, being put on the spot, being on camera. anything that requires him to actually be active and do something. depression is a bitch, huh.

Would they prefer a lie over an unpleasant truth?

depends on the context. if the unpleasant truth was unlikely to be uncovered later, then fine. if someone lives and dies with a lie, it didn’t hurt them, and it was fine.

Do they usually live up to their own ideals?

never. his ideals are too much for even the finest human being to comprehend. he wants to be the best possible son, friend, leader, actor, motivator, businessman and student. but obviously, it’s never going to happen. and anything less than success is failure.

Who do they most regret meeting?

no one. whomever he’s met have changed him into a version of himself perhaps more wounded, angry, cold, but it’s been for the better. he’s braver now as well.

Who are they the most glad to have met?

jiwon. it has to be jiwon. at least 50% of the reason why hyeonjin still stands is because of his best friend, who never fails to make him happy, just because he’s so sanguine, kind, optimistic, and encouraging. everything he himself should be.

Do they have a go-to story in conversation? Or a joke?

no, because all of his stories are either unrelatable ( oh lads do you ever get annoyed when the driver stocks coke in the limo when you asked for sprite ) or depressing ( yah so i killed a man that one time ).

Could they be considered lazy?

i wouldn’t use lazy because hyeonjin has a mental health condition that forces him into passivity. but he does have difficulty putting himself out there.

How hard is it for them to shake a sense of guilt?

im-fucking-possible. lmao hyeonjin’s got guilt at the back of his mind every second of every day about something or the other. drinking, taking his pills, lying, not being a good friend. but at the same time he’s just so tired of it that he feels nothing very strongly.

How do they treat the things their friends come to them excited about? Are they supportive?

always ! he hates to let people know he’s having a hard time ever so it’s a good distraction to fall into what someone else is talking about and support them all the way. having others be happy around him calms him down to some extent too.

Do they actively seek romance, or do they wait for it to fall into their lap?

hyeonjin loves the idea of love so much. all he wants is a nice relationship, and he’d be a fantastic boyfriend. however, shyness is a thing, and he hasn’t had the courage to approach his crushes. except jiwon; he did have the courage to confess to him, but that had it’s own strings attached.

Do they have a system for remembering names, long lists of numbers, things that need to go in a certain order (like anagrams, putting things to melodies, etc)?

nothing in particular, no ! but as a sidenote hyeonjin has a fairly decent memory.

What memory do they revisit the most often?

a trip to los angeles when he was thirteen with the chois aka jiwon’s family. jiwon’s elder sister jiyoon took them around disneyland for the whole day, he almost puked on the rollercoaster, saw fireworks — it was a moment of nothing but pure elation.

How easy is it for them to ignore flaws in other people?

oh, if they consider someone a good friend ? what are flaws. no flaws. nothing but good things. happiness. the best.

How sensitive are they to their own flaws?

meanwhile, he himself has a million flaws. he picks at his demeanour and behaviour whenever in the public eye because for the longest time, his father did it for him. he thinks he’s a bit cowardly, not macho male. long story short, he’s pretty sensitive to his own flaws, but if someone points them out he won’t be offended. he’ll just be sad, because it’s true.

How do they feel about children?

being a naturally sensitive person, he has a strong maternal instinct towards children, especially younger ones. in practical terms, he may not be fantastic at caring for them, because he doesn’t really know how, but the non-judgemental nature of kids brings his walls down. he loves kids. he wants kids.

How badly do they want to reach their end goal?

so badly. so basically his end goal is for the violent organisation that wants to destroy capitalist society to successfully establish itself in the western world again, after a hiatus of nearly fifty years. and this end has to be met. otherwise, his life, throwing everything away — would’ve had no purpose.

If someone asked them to explain their sexuality, how would they do so?

beautiful, good, and happy people. just, people with a soothing, carefree aura. male, female, nonbinary, anybody, hyeonjin’ll hook onto you immediately.

QUESTIONS FOR CREATORS

A) Why are you excited about this character?

he’s my boy !! when it comes to empathy and sincere kindness, he’s probably the kindest oc i have, at least in this au. also he goes through major char dev to become a lot more harsh, cruel and antagonist-like ( because he is an antagonist, for erich at least ), but he still wants to do the right thing above all.

B) What inspired you to create them?

ehhhhhh ok so the outside vibe of hyeonjin ( sad rich kid ) was a super old idea i had for the story, but the personality of this kid was totally different. then i transplanted the personality of an older oc into this exterior and boom it’s hyeonjin.

C) Did you have trouble figuring out where they fit in their own story?

initially, yes, because his story takes place primarily in korea and i had difficulty relating it back to the main action which was supposed to happen in london. but with some tweaks to his backstory ( he studied in the uk ) and lore, i think i’ve made it work.

D) Have they always had the same physical appearance, or have you had to edit how they look?

not too much. the prototype sad rich kid was just a knockoff of artemis fowl, aka much younger and much less of a sweetheart. now hyeonjin’s 20 in the plot.

E) Are they someone you would get along with? Would they get along with you?

i think so ! but their tendency of shoving trauma into a closet instead of dealing with it or seeking help could be potential damage to any relationships ( and it is. stay tuned :) )

F) What do you feel when you think of your OC (pride, excitement, frustration, etc)?

i just feel sorry for him sjdsjdsjf bb you’ve got a long, long way to go — he’s def one of the more unhappy ocs i have.

G) What trait of theirs bothers you the most?

a tendency to be a little sanctimonious. i am pure and i am virtuous and i must do the right thing. he’s a bit self-righteous which gets annoying when writing but that’s more because i’m a cynical person.

H) What trait do you admire most?

he’s a good kid. he’s supportive, understanding, polite, genuinely respectful and isn’t really ever petty or vitriolic. a pure boy. baby boy.

I) Do you prefer to keep them in their canon universe?

yes, because i’m not creative.

J) Did you have to manipulate or exclude canon factors to allow them to create their character?

mostly family stuff had to be changed to make his home life a little more poisonous. sort of an odd thing to mention, but initially hyeonjin lived with his mother ( who was the businesswoman parent ) while his father was the deadbeat divorcee. but i wanted to talk about how mothers can sometimes get fucked over in divorces, so i swapped them.

#holy hecc #realmzenith #oc talk.

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