#i guess they may change their style along so many years
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Just let me love you …alright
Tags: Fluff, Light, Romantic, slight nsfw if u look closely, writing errors, some angst I guess
Summary: it's has been almost a year and in that time. Noah and Mirage have gained feelings for one another. Mirage makes known his feelings and has implied them by dropping many hints. Noah on the other hand doesn't always take the advancement of mirage. But would love to be with the mech. However, is a fear of what may happens if he is miss reading things right.But Mirage is determined to be by Noah’s side. But is Noah ready to take this leap of faith like the ones before? And start something more than the friendship they possess.
Mirage is a big flirt and also possessive of his human crush. but will back off when told to However it is not for long. But will push some boundaries
Basically, best bros in love
Excuse the long delay. Along with the same writing and, spelling errors if there are any. I may try doing these more frequently. Also Along with some ask and request. They are welcome. I Will get try to respond to all of them. However, it is not guaranteed that I will. Same with me staying consistent in story, character, fandom, and writing style. I will also be posting my art, news, and more stories /fics. First story yay. Still learning how to write and find My writing style. Would appreciate some tips and advice on how to improve in the future. Gentle Constructive Criticism, please. So that is all for now. Hope you u guys like ❤️.
Mirage was annoyed. Which was odd cause, he did most of the annoying toward Noah. Not the other way around.
Why was Mirage annoyed with Noah? Well, it was because of his human companion. Has recently been avoiding him a lot lately. But most of the time they are in the same place with the same people. And Noah somehow still finds any way to avoid him. For example, he would spend more time with work in the garage fixing other people's things. And on missions with the Gi.Joe agents and the Autobot, Along with spending time with Noah's family. Yet somehow even spending time with the same people, in the same space. The small human in some way managed to keep his distance from Mirage.
It has been at least a year. Since, the almost invasion of Unicron and fought against the terrcons. Since then they had gotten close. Not as close as Mirage would have liked. But they had grown their relationship. To have an opportunity to be more, Than friends more the boys. At least that is what Mirage thought.
Until his so-called best ‘friend’ started avoiding him like the damen Cosmic Rust. He misses spending time with his human.
He has noticed a change between himself and the other. Going from getting closer to one another.To feel like strangers again. It was the most annoying thing in Mirage's life.
Usually, the two of them chat on their nightly drives. And chat as in Mirage flirting with Noah. And Noah tries to not get flustered along with trying to talk about something else, and sometimes Noah throws back a bit of his charm.
It has been a few weeks since they have been on a is acceptable nightly Drive whether they were talking or not.
He wants to be more for Noah than just to be his friend. More than best friend even. He wants more of his attention and his time. And wants to do the same for Noah and so much more. The mech gladly do so much more if the small human asked him so.
Don't give Mirage wrong he loves to talk, but with Noah it's different. A lot of things were different whit, Noah, not only because them being from two different worlds. Literally. But he felt comply differently with Noah than any other person.
Mainly more different from any topical crash that Mirage has ever had.
****
Noah was fixing a neighbor's car that was brought in. Earlier, this morning, and has yet to be removed from the task. Said, a neighbor was being a bit handy and too close to Noah. When bringing in her car. Mirage was fighting to keep his engine from growling loudly. Especially when she gave her opinion of Mirage's alt mode. Now that in general would be the thing to get to him. But no it was the way she was interacting. mostly her just flirting with Noah.
Noah didn't seem to mind or even notice that factor. But the silver mech did. That was another reason why he was annoyed with the small human.
Mirage was in his root mode. On his side of the shared garage arms crossed and pouting. watch Noah working on his talent. Putting more of his weight against the wall to meet it. Changing his posture to a different one of his more relaxed ones.
“Bud, you need to give that handsome head of yours a break,” Mirage suggested
Noah didn't turn his attention from the car he was working on.
“Not now I’m basically almost finished with this car.”
Mirage caught Noah's tone sounding slightly...vex.Oh, now this gave a reason to get Noah out. And the silver mech just how. “Come on sweetheart you and I both need to get out of this garage. Also, you have been working non-stop since this morning and it's almost midnight.”
Noah knew Mirages was right it's has been a while since they'd been on night drives. He understood been avoiding his friend for a while but he had a reason. He knows that the silver Bot had a point. Along with being right he and Mirage had to get out of the garage at some point. Also having to stop avoiding the mech, and talk to him eventually about it too.
Mirage always found a way for him not to say no to him. Knowing the mech also needs to get out, Noah did indeed very much need a break right now.
Slumping forward slightly smiling, signing turning to meet Mirage's gaze. “Let me get my jacket and clean up real quick k.”Fighting a smile as wide as Mirage was.
****
The drive was silent. Silents that they knew had to be broken at some point
But something played in the back of his mind even now. Something like a lack of certainty, or doubt. The Porshe had something also on his mind and knew something was going on in Noah’s head also. And he wanted to get down to it and find out if it was maybe the reason why Noah was avoiding him too.
“Hey, sweetheart is there something on your mind you want to talk about, don't lie to me.” It was stated as more of a statement than a question.
Mirage had a way that made Noah's heart flutter whenever called him a pet name especially when saying it in such a charming tone.
Noah knew he can not dodge it and he didn't want to lie about it. It made his stomach churn. Just thinking about it. Mirage could sense he needs a min and perhaps even give him a slight push too.
“How about I go first...hm, is that ok with you bud.”
“Ok, yeah...sure,” Noah answered. he don't let it show, but he could help but feel his flutter with hope. Still, Noah had doubts.
They stopped at a secluded Cliff looking towards the outskirts of the city. Noah jumped out. So, Mirage could change back to his root mode. Sitting down far from the edge. Then place the small human in his lap. So they would meet each other gaze. Smirking at the sight of the flustered look on Noah. Also making sure to place one of his arms around his waist mostly to keep Noah from falling...or escaping.
“I like you, no, that's not right Noah I love you, and have been wanting to tell you for such a long time but...if you don't want me then anything more than friends. We will, I will forget ever had this conversation...alright.” Mirage feels a weight lifted from his shoulders. But he knows Noah feels the same but if he tells him that he just wants to be friends and doesn't have the same. Then that, that. However, the look on Noah’s said that Mirage was mostly right about Noah having the same feelings. Though there was something else. That looked like... doubt.
Noah was not sure if this was a dream or not. Mirage love...him.
"You love me?"
"Yes, you there no one else here. Or that I love like you."Bring his servo to place toward Noah's head. Having a Smile worth a million Watts. Look at him like he was the most precious thing in his life.
Noah still has a hard time believing every. Why him? "But why me?"
"What do mean by why you? Noah why not you!?" Mirage kind of felt offended by that statement. What did he not make obvious that he had feelings for Noah? He was almost taken aback. Still grinning but had a slight hint of concern.
Noah still struggling to get that Mirage means every word he was saying. He loves Noah. Out of anyone he chose him. He felt his heart for flutter just at the thought but still had the same thought playing in the back of his head.
"Mirage you can have anyone else in the world hell even in the Univers. I am just some guy. In a world that doesn't even comprehend a relationship that we may have. You can do so much better than me." He paused looking back at Mirage noticing a different expression. He's heard stories from him and the other Autobots about them being able to be in the same-sex relationship on Cybertron and it saw as the norm. But on Earth is different not everyone can comprehend a relationship ,like that let alone one with both a human and a Cybertronian both presented as male.
Noah lowered his head look down. He felt like he wanted to scream and cry. But Mirage was having nuh of that. Left his head, bringing him close than ever before. Still have that amazing smile that Noah had always loved.
Noah couldn't help but lean into the touch.
"I love you, I want you, and only you. Because no one likes you. I don't want better when I already have the best. You are amazing and when we are together. I don't feel like that around anyone else only you. And when we are together we're both even more awesome. I don't want anyone else. I want you and only you. I don't care what others have to say about it. And if my sappy speech doesn't convince you otherwise yes. Guss I just going to have to show you." If Mirage had to put in neon signs no one understand that .he gladly did whatever but there is no one like no one that got with his rhythm so fast no one sees ever felt this. particular way until he met Noah.
Noah felt almost beat out of his chest. This was real and Mirage meant every word. He closed the space between his and Mirage's lips.
Mirage doesn't hesitate to start moving his lip plate in sync with Noah's lips.
Then parted from each other. Mirage had to fight not to chase Noah's lip to reconnect them back together.
Then Noah spoke, "Are you sure it's me you want?" He just to make sure one more time that this was real and that this was actually.
"Noah yes, I'm sure you are my boy. My best friend. You made me whole. Fuck you have been inside me. Noah no joke I love you, and have no intention of letting you go." Resting his head lightly on top of Noah's bringing their head foreheads together.
Noah gave a slight giggle "I love you too much. Rj"
"Good, Oh and Noah"
"Yes, mi amor."
Ok, That did something to Mirage's Spark.
"Don't ever purposely try avoiding me ever again trust me you will regret it next time"
Noah couldn't help to suppress his laugh. But did promise he would never do that again.
The end
Or is it?
#transformers#autobots#i hope this is okay!#idk what im doing#maccadam#miroah#mirage#rotb#Transformer rotb#noah diaz#rotb noah#rotb mirage#noah x mirage#mirage x noah#took me the fuck out
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a row of einarrs because.... why not tbh.
honestly i just wanted to have a reference for his hair and skin colors at different ages. he changed a bit
details under cut
toddler
born very light blond
still very baby
child
hair may start darkening, as is usual with most natural blondes.
turned out to be surprisingly good at sewing, placing him with the women at an earlier age than usual. :^)
he was trying to give his dress a more masculine tunic cut, because he liked it more for some reason. unfortunately, he did it maybe a little too well.
still a bit clueless about his gender situation, but Something Felt Off
really liked roleplaying... you will never guess what gender all his best characters were. (boys. they were all boys.)
teen
so apparently lye bleach was a thing?? anyway he probably did that with his hair at this point.
came out as a boy 🏳️⚧️
going by einarr for real now
father immediately accepted him, mother not so much.
constantly wearing an oversized capelet over his entire torso because he was dysphoric as hell.
fledgling vampire (age 24-40)
ah, the hubris of exploring on his own while the rest of the group were trying to pillage this mysteriously empty castle. it's an old ruin. and those just intrigue him a lot. they are fascinating to him
anyway so basically he ran into a vampire while going viking. ended up in a duel. died.
in his early vampire years, his growing bat form's white fur started to overtake his existing hair color. kinda similar to graying hair.
once he realized how hardy vampires were, did top surgery on himself with a sword.
then he had to stitch himself up. with his existing sewing skills - a skillset deemed to be very feminine at the time. something poetic about that i feel
stuck in a castle. doesn't escape until he's like 50
middle vampire (age 200-700)
hair has already gone fully pale a long time ago.
skin is getting paler. more purple in tone.
ears are slowly growing in size, gaining transparency along with it
however, has also figured out how to blend in with humans again at this time (through vampiric illusions that make him look mortal)
peasant for a while. growing dislike of kings and authority figures. ends up joining the pirates in his seventh (?) century
has been caught drinking blood from humans, has been caught stealing from the rich, and has been to jail several times. usually escaped pretty easily with vampire powers. has been responsible for at least one mass jailbreak
the look of his clothing actually shifted a lot over all these centuries, but this art wasn't really focused on clothes, so i just picked something basic
ancient vampire (900+)
skin gone blue. fangs gone long.
ears reached their max size a while ago.
gotten quite nostalgic; started to wear norse-style clothing in his own time again. it's comfy and familiar!
among the mortals it has been many centuries of trying to match contemporary fashions. genuinely enjoys working with textiles though, so it's no big deal. yeah he still does this.
cannot keep up a human disguise for more than a couple hours... maintaining an illusion gets exhausting when it's so many things at once.
mostly goes for fish blood these days. it's not the greatest blood, but he likes the taste of it the most and it's less of a hassle to get when he's at sea all the time.
avoids the greater vampire community. he feels it's too much drama all the time, all while they just tend to think of him as a hermit, and well. they're not wrong.
has been known to take some odd jobs here and there, pretending to be mortal.
i did not actually intend to write down this much but!! i just like him a lot. gotta stop myself from writing too much. there's so much more i could say about him, but we'd be here forever
#low stakes 🦇#my art#sure vampires can age but it's really really really slow#he turned at like 24. he's over a thousand years old now#i'd assume he'd look at least a little more mature at this point#no this is not supposed to be his entire history but i got a bit carried away writing this so you get a good chunk of it anyway
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This Week in BL - Things are Very Mixed
May 2023 Wk 1
Being a highly subjective assessment of one tiny corner of the interwebs. Organized by which ones (in each category) I’m enjoying most.
Ongoing Series - Thai
Step By Step (Thai Tues WeTV & Gaga) ep 3 of 10 (MDL still says 12, but Gaga still says 10) - The subs are janky on YT, so you might want to watch this on Gaga. This is such a good show, it just feels so much more authentic to an office environment and first job then anything else I’ve seen in BL. Now that might be because it has western source material, or it might be because it is actually kind of old-fashioned (it’s been years since I worked as an office grunt). While the authenticity may be a little triggering for some, I love how much tension it adds to the leads’ dynamic and the quality of the narrative. I also really love the brothers’ relationship, now that we got to see them on screen together for a bit. Walk of shame was great! Oh look, character development, how novel. This is what Boss & Babe should have been. Not sold on the sides tho it’s nice to see a faen fatal as the main character in a dynamic for a change.
La Pluie (Sat iQIYI) ep 2 of 10 - This one is really grabbing me by the throat. I love the starter concepts, what a fantastic twist on a meet cute not to mention soulmates. I hope we spend more time with the vet and his coworkers, they seem awesome. And another surprise, the guy we think is being set up to be the brother’s love interest is now clearly interested in the wrong brother. I love the trope subversions going on with this show!
Our Skyy 2 (The Eclipse) eps 5-6 - FirstKhao are just ridiculously cute as a couple. Honestly? Aye just seems like he would be a lot of work as a lover. I’m not as wild about the premise of this installment, with the film clips and stuff (as I was of NlMG’s installment). And then, the singing. Oh well, you can’t have everything. I gotta say, First is a great crier, although I don’t think this story warranted his tears. In the end? My feelings on this installment were mixed, the movie storyline didn’t grab me and the birthday storyline seems a touch mean spirited, but I do think it adds substantially to the original Eclipse rather than feeling superfluous or slapdash like many of the other Our Skyys. So I’m going to go with 8/10
Future (Thai Sun YouTube & Gaga) ep 6fin - More of the same (which I like) but I’m glad it ended. Didn’t need to get dragged out. Such drama over nothing. In the end? This is just a soft sweet cotton candy fluff piece about a younger boy who pursues an older boy and then manufactures silly gay drama. Nothing wrong with that. But I don’t think this style of BL really appeals to a very large market share. Will I rewatch it? Sure. Will anyone else? Nope. 7/10 RECOMMENDED WITH RESERVATIONS.
Pastsenger (Thai Weds Gaga) ep 9 of 12 eps - And now the amnesia trope. I’m not a fan. This is such a pulp. At least it ends next week? Groan, no 3 more eps.
A Boss and a Babe (Fri YouTube) ep 10 of 12 - one thing I realize I like about this main couple’s dynamic is that the seme/uke seems earned, where it didn’t in Echante. I don’t have much else to say except it’s crazy when a narrative betrays its characters like this and why to poor ForceBook keep having to deal with it?
The Promise (Thai Weds YT & WeTV) ep 7 of 10 - Honestly, who wears an all white outfit to play around with coffee beans in the countryside? I LOVE the faen fatal, he’s so good, courageous, honest, and morally sound. He even gives his rival fair warning. Nan should totally go out with him. I made awwww noises over the faen fatal! I NEVER do that. I guess Phu was right all along? Nan won’t date a friend. Ultimate friend zone. Well shit. This show. Ouch.
House of Stars (Thai Mon iQIYI) ep 1 of ?? - There seems a slight horror element which I do not like and it’s also confusingly like Melrose Place or something. Everyone is sleeping with, or wants to be sleeping with everyone else. It’s kinda hilarious to watch something where all the actors are supposed to be good actors but it’s a pulp so they just really aren’t. So far my main issue is I can’t keep them all straight in my head (pun intended).
Tin Tam Jai (Tues Gaga) ep 10fin - There is very little I enjoyed about this show. The entirely forgotten side dishes gave us 5 min of excellent high heat and then vanished, but otherwise this show sucked in the wrong way. It’s forgettable and I intend to do just that. 5/10
Ongoing Series - Not Thai
Our Dining Table AKA Bokura no Shokutaku (Japan Thurs Gaga) ep 5 of 10 - The way these two are very quietly yet thoroughly falling in love with each other is executed with such grace and subtlety that only Japan could have handed this out. It’s not even “falling” it’s more like sliding gradually into love.
Love Mate (Korea Thurs Viki) eps 1-2 of 8 - Launched very much openly gay so that’s fun. Also very much bubble too, so no one around them cares. So: Seo is a player jaded older uke (fun character type we don’t see often) and his seme is a romantic if arrogant weirdo. Can you see my hands clapping? Combative trope activation! Absurdity. How fun. Also workplace harassment but hayho that’s BL for ya. (Also a nonBL Kdrama specialty.) ALSO whole office in on seme-stalker’s side? All in all, it’s odd and questionable, but I’m into it. Why am I like this?
Happy Merry Ending (Korea Thurs Gaga) eps 3-4 of 8 - OK I’m not super into the main couple but I love all of the surrounding characters. The overly protective best friend with a crush is giving bad advice but it’s understandable and he’s super hot so I forgive him. And the idol character is a wonderful addition, he is my baby. Also, evil ex is v evil.
Vian the series (Vietnam YT ) - I thought this was gonna be Tiktok only but apparently it’s showing up on YT too. It’s cute! My cat boyfriend (which is more common that it should be) and this seems to be Vietnam’s installment (we got Thailand’s last year). The boy playing the cat is the prettiest human being on the planet. Fight me. No fight him, get scratched. Serious tho. Holy hairballs. Look I don’t really like vertical content but I am watching this for him. Meow, indeed.
The Day I Loved You (Vietnam YouTube) eps 2-3 of ? - BL Express’s first impressions mirror mine. Niks is so flipping cute. Rich kid is so into him, so is bestie. So much gay macho posturing. So much bi fear and het shame. But also it’s killer to get a femme main characters who isn’t being mocked. Dancing trope continues (better than singing together). It is kinda Heartstopper goes Pinoy BL. Honestly, I prefer kids a little drawings to terrible sound effects. This is better than it or we have any right to expect.
Naked Dinner AKA Zenra Meshi (Japan Fri Gaga) ep 4 of 12 - There is a lot I like about this drama, except the weird central conceit of the naked dining. But the romance part is cute, if a tad simplistic.
My Story (Pinoy Sat YouTube) ep 4 of 10 - chukchuk went missing and so did my interest in this show. I’m DNFing this one.
Dancing together, the baby sub-trope of 2023. (The Day I Love You)
It’s Airing But ...
Love Syndrome (Thai Sat WeTV) stopped at ep 2 of 12 - I’m just not into any aspect of it (except Lee Long Shi) - saving to binge if the end is solid.
Venus in the Sky (Sat YouTube) pilot/tester?) 0 of 10 - not entirely sure what’s up with this one distribution-wise, but the pilot was classic university-set pulp. I hope it happens because the leads are cute with good chemsitry and I thought it was fun. However, this pilot holds together as its own little short too.
Stormy Honeymoon (Vietnam) - meh
In Case You Missed It
Actors Bas Suradej (2 Moons etc...) and Copter Panuwat (so much BL) have left Starhunter. So Copter and Kimmon will part ways as an on-screen pair (RIP KimCop). Their upcoming show Boy Never Smiles will still air, but will likely be their last together. (source)
Restart After Come Back Home (highly recommended), Athlete, Capture Lover, Tkumi-kun, His the movie (recommended) and also a bunch of the dark stuff like Forbidden Love and Shortest Distance are all leaving Gagaoolala soon. So watch ‘em while you can. A few are also on Viki, but many will be difficult to get hold of without Gaga.
I finally finished the second season of The Reason Why He Fell in Love with Me (Japan Gaga) and gave it a 4/10. I just don’t like or recommend any of the installments of this franchise, but if I had to pick, it’s season one.
Make a Wish finished at 6 eps. Stars Fluke Natouch (OhmFluke UWMA etc...) & Judo (The Miracle Of Teddy Bear) in medical-fantasy about a doctor who sees ghosts and a deity who resides in a Bodhi tree that earns merits whenever he fulfills a wish. Based on a y-novel by Sammon (Manner of Death, Triage). I will watch it if I get hold of it, but for now... who knows how it went?
Here’s a really interesting podcast ep from 99% Invisible on captions and captioning.
Next Week Looks Like This:
Coming in May 2023:
5/18 - Starstruck (Korea ????) - A boy has had a crush on his childhood friend for a long time. Stars Zuho (Kpop SF9 - noted good egg) opposite rookie actor Kim In Sung (the one with the crush).
5/27 The Luminous Solution (Thai ????) 10 eps - Thana is having trouble at work and in his relationship. He can't seem to catch a break. So he makes a wish to change everything. The wish has a price.
5/27 Takumi-kun Series 6: Nagai Nagai Monogatari no Hajimari no Asa (Japan) - NO ONE ASKED FOR THIS (but that has never stopped Japan before) and no, I have no idea where to get it, why would I ????? (Say it with me everyone: Oh Japan, must you?)
2023 forthcoming BL master post (see comments, some are inaccurate, NOT KEPT UPDATED)
Defining Gut Wrenching from The Promise
Honestly you gotta be so careful who you case as the faen fatal, sometimes he steals everyone’s hearts. I caught a BAD case of second lead syndrome.
THIS WEEK’S BEST MOMENTS
Future reviewing itself for us.
Tiny king of the GMMTV cameo. (Our Skyy et al)
Frankly if this weren’t such a bad story, Cher might be one of my favorite BL characters. (Boss & Babe)
(last week)
Current Kpop earworm? BTOB's - Wind & Wish (I don’t consider myself Melody but I make no case for that statement)
#this week in BL#bl news#BL gossip#upcoming BL#new BL#best BL#BL reviews#korean bl#thai bl movie#Japanese BL#live action yaoi#Rakutan Viki#gagaoolala#GMMTV#pinoy bl#BTOB#Vietnamese bl#Starhunter#KimCop#Step By Step#La Pluie#The Eclipse#Future the series#Tin Tam Jai#A Boss and a Babe#Bokura no Shokutaku#Love Mate#Happy Merry Ending#Vian the series#Copter Panuwat
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hi! you've mentioned a few times that the current version of Lover's Spit is a re-write of a previous version. Sadly I wasn't around for said previous version so I can't tell how much has changed (though, rest assured, I absolutely adore the fic as it is)
So what I was wondering is how did you go about writing it again? I have a couple unpublished fics that I'm not happy with in their current forms (my writing style has changed, I've learnt about writing tricks to make it flow better, learnt proper dialogue punctuation...) but I find re-writing to be a very difficult and tedious exercise which puts me off doing it. I'm guessing that I just haven't found a good way to do it, which is a shame because the fics are good, they just need to be made better before I can be comfortable publishing them.
So I wanted to know, how did you completely re-write what you had already written? Please be as detailed as you want in your answer, I love this type of stuff lol
I can't wait for the next installment of Lover's Spit, and I hope your writing is going well xx
First of all, I’m honored you’d ask for my humble opinion here, and I wish you all the best of luck with your rewrites. ❤️
I also cannot tell you how uncanny your question is. A few months ago, I toyed with the idea of re-posting the original Lover’s Spit for exactly this purpose—so that other fic writers could read it, instructively, as I used so very many fics over the years. (I'm still on the fence about whether it's a stupid idea, lol.)
Reflecting back on the experience, I think I have some potentially useful tips.
Writing is a masochistic hobby. The first four chapters of Lover’s Spit threatened all three of my brain cells, and it wasn’t really very fun for me to write them. Having a ‘big picture’ is, paradoxically, what kept me grounded during that time, and this is my first piece of advice.
I’d recommend looking at a single unfinished piece you wrote, and deciding, from a bird’s eye view, what the point of the story is. What is your objective, really? Then look at how you can reframe all of the existing scenes into a cohesive picture.
This way your attention is probably less focused on flexing all of the new techniques (still, slay & flaunt it 💅🏻) and more on telling an entertaining story with heart.
When we drafted the original story, there was no intentional objective. It was just for fun. This go around, I did go in with a very specific objective: to explore how real life intersects with the internet.
So every time I rewrote certain scenes, I wasn’t just retelling the scene with better words. I was attempting to focus the scene (via imagery, dialogue, diction) on that clear, concise objective. For example, the current version of Lover’s Spit begins slower, and lingers more, really to emphasize how boring normal life can be. The internet scenes, by contrast, are shorter, whippier, and don’t take up much real estate. I also include more descriptive lines about the town, throughout the story, and spend far more time in Harry’s head, chewing kind of tediously through his character development. I wanted to intentionally set an ultra high contrast on IRL and internet life, and many scenes look completely different because of it.
Along those lines: You may feel more enthusiastic if you add one or two more details that are new and refreshing, that really excite you. It doesn’t need to be ultra tangible either. For the Lover’s Spit rewrite, I challenged myself to add more mystery and anticipation, particularly where it concerns what’s going on in Tom’s head. This made rewriting certain scenes tricky, but more fun, because I had to be more inventive but I also got to indulge in the character-building aspect of it, which I enjoy.
And also, I learned how to embrace bitter work, to grin and bear it, because the payoff is worth it. I can look at forty word passages that took me an entire Saturday afternoon. I'm a grown woman, I work full-time, I like to party. That shit hurts! But because I have an objective—a point to get across, to share with people—I really feel it's worth it to sacrifice the time and endure the tedium.
But all that said, I will also say there's no shame in leaving projects on the back burner. If it's not fun for you to write, it may not be the best investment of your time, or perhaps not the right time to tell the story. I was actually about your age when I wrote the first Lover's Spit (I was 22), and I'm glad I took my time to return, because I wasn't mature enough to tell the story I knew deep down I wanted to tell.
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It got too long and heartfelt in the reblog, so I decided it deserved its own post XD
BOOM. MY OLD ART FROM LIKE 2018/19???
This is my bestie's Harry Potter OC that I drew for her! I actually had some similar drawings of both our OCs, but they're not in my possession right now XD and maybe they'll never be! But it's cool to see how very far I'll e come since then.here's some of my more recent art, just so you can see them side by side XD
For me, personally, seeing them side by side makes me giddy. They're so different, it's hard to link them together, hard to look at them and think the same person drew them. But I did. And as someone who grew up with another fabulous artist (@/rustic-space-fiddle), | was always impatient, always discouraged to look at my own art and see everything it was missing. I wanted to draw like Rusty, but I was so very unskilled. I was very eager to reach the day when I could match her skill, when I could look at my art and see in it everything that I saw in hers.
And today, I can honestly, confidently, gratefully say that I have arrived.
Obviously, if you go check out Rusty’s art, you’ll see I am by no means as good as her. But I learned awhile ago that I’ll never be, no one will—not only am I biased that she’s the best artist in the world (because she is), but Rusty draws the way only Rusty can, and the way only she will. Others may draw similarly, others may copy her, but art is like a fingerprint. Each style and piece is unique to the person who drew it. Therefore, it’s unfair for me to compare myself to Rusty when I could never possess her fingerprint in the first place. But that doesn’t change the fact that I used to compare myself to her so harshly—and the fact that to a younger me, I have achieved exactly what I wanted.
2018 was not the year I started drawing. Was it perhaps the year of my first exploration into the digital realm? Yes, but before then, I was drawing horses. I love horses, and I loved them so much they were all I ever drew. My walls were adorned with dozens of drawings of horses. I’ve since fallen out of the habit of drawing horses so regularly, but all those drawings are what started me drawing. I learned to hold a pencil and put it to paper drawing horses, and then from there, I just started drawing everything else. I only recently started drawing in seriousness, in the grand scheme of things. A year or two ago. And then I was drawing people most of the time, and the occasional dog or cat. And there were many bumps along the way—my discouragement at my own ability, as well as my inability to draw digitally, as I was quickly coming to love. The iPad I used at the time simply didn’t support Procreate after awhile, so I was using my sister’s iPad.
There are also the artists which inspired me. Obviously, rustic-space-fiddle was—and still is—my number one support and inspiration, she was my goal. But then I got instagram and I saw people’s different styles, and while I don’t know where exactly the inspiration from them comes from, it’s certainly there, perhaps in the courage with which I now draw. The second biggest inspiration in my life has been, without a doubt, Jojo. Her art style, which I adore, is something I have tried to imbue in mine—I’ve been told before that it can be seen, but I’m unsure of that. Still, even if I do not draw in her style, I think I draw in her energy. In the way that I draw Legend, that style, that goal, that love for him and her art, I think it’s there every time I draw Legend, and even in the other things that I draw too. She may never know, but she is perhaps the only other artist in the world I have ever really hoped to be like.
Anyways. I guess what I am simply trying to say is I’m happy. I’m proud. I’m content with my art, in a way I once hoped I would achieve, and while I know I have many things to learn, I approach them without that lost hopelessness I used to feel, but with passion, curiosity, and the determination to grow better.
If you’ve read this far, thank you. You didn’t really have any reason to read this—even if we have talked, even if we are mutuals, I’m still a stranger whose ramblings about her art hold almost no weight at all. But you did anyways, because you were curious, because you cared, because it was interesting, moving, inspiring. Whatever it was, thank you :)
I’ve come a very long way. And I’ll go a very long way more. I hope you’ll be here to see it all!
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Did any of ya'll sign up for this Adulthood stuff?
Just like the rest of you, I didn’t sign up for any of this “life” stuff and quite frankly, I want a refund.
Who the hell am I?
Who the hell am I? Honestly, I can’t even answer that question. My name is Sarah, a 25 year old Latina with raging ADHD that is just trying to figure out this life thing one step at a time. One thing that didn’t hit me until 6 months into my 25th year is that like holy hell, I’m the ADULT now. This baby face of mine may stop me from getting into bars, but it isn’t stopping the natural progression of life and being like the Adult in so many situations. And I don’t mean the hypothetical “adult” like being the bigger person or whatever, I just genuinely mean like I’m no longer the youngest person in the room and realizing that has sent me into my mid-mid life crisis. Oh yeah, one cool thing about me though is my dachshund, Ollie. He’s cool as shit. The best puppy around.
What the fuck is an adult, anyway?
Growing up we were told they were the ones to trust in an emergency, and I guess I’m pretty trustworthy when shit falls through the cracks but like, that can’t be it? But like, I’m realizing that that IS it. Adults are just old people that have lived longer than you and like that’s it. They can be dumber than you, smarter than you, richer than you, poorer than you, stronger, weaker, slower, faster, you name it and it’s possible because the world Adult means literally “someone over 25" and like wow that’s it.
Why should you care?
Good question, I don’t even know why I should care about being an adult, or literally about anything? I don’t understand how humans are all just running around this world aimlessly, bending to societal whims or fighting against them, with no clear picture of the future. Adults are really just winging it and well, this shit is STRESSING me out. I didn’t sign up for this whole life thing, let alone the difficulty of figuring out what I want my life to be?? I can barely decide on breakfast in the morning (lol, I say morning like my first meal of the day isn’t usually at 1pm) and now I’m supposed to determine what I want my whole LIFE to look like? That’s like, SO much pressure.
Why am I even writing about this?
To be honest, I have no idea and that’s a clear example of what I mean. I have no idea what I want life to be like at all but there are a few things I like, and writing is one of them. I might not have the best grammar (and tbh who really cares) but I like to get my thoughts down on paper when I’m not spiraling out of control. So I figured a blog would be a good way to do that, only I feel too old for Tumblr so I thought I’d start a good ol blog, middle aged woman style.
The point.
Well my point here is, being an adult is meaningless and life is meaningless unless you give it meaning. But figuring out HOW to give your life meaning is hard and shouldn’t be according to all the mental health guru’s out there. Life is just life and we should enjoy the ride, but how the heck am I supposed to enjoy the ride if I don’t know the destination? Like if someone just swoops me up in a vehicle without telling me where we’re going or how long we’re going to be there, then HOW would I POSSIBLY enjoy that ride? The suspense would literally send me into cardiac arrest. (If you’re wondering, yes I hate surprises). But yeah all of this is just long form text to say - the point is that there is NO particular point, and so we need to create our own point, and that point can be ever changing, but there still is no particular point to doing anything, especially being an adult and living life which brings me to MY Point…. I have no point. HELP. If you want to be a part of me trying to figure out that Point, well have fun reading along! And If you have advice - that is very much appreciated.
Much love, thanks for reading,
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FIRST POST^^
Hi Hi Hiiii. I just randomly got the urge to start blogging on tumblr in 2023 lol. And the reason for that is that I've always wanted to have a diary but i'm too inconsistent for that plus it takes too much effort and time to write everything by hand. This blog has 0 followers so I'll have no shame about what I write here. Maybe I'll keep it a secret forever. Anyways, life lately has not been good at all. I think I'm really feeling the transition from teens to twenties (I'm 19) and I'm feeling it reeealll heeeavyyy. Daytimes are alr but whenever the night comes... oh boy. I sometimes want to rip my skin off (metaphorically(?)). Some aspects of my life have been really stagnant and they don't correlate with who I am anymore (maybe some people too). Don't think there are many feelings that feel worse than being stuck somewhere or with someone feeling like you don't belong. But at the same time I've changed so many times and so much during my long but short 19 years of life that I've kinda stumbled upon that situation many times. And I think what they say about your outer reality changing along with your inner self is true because I've shed so many versions of myself, I lost count and when I observe someone from a specific time in my life it feels like they're still there. Like they belonged there, so they internally stayed the same and they physically stayed there - idk how to explain it. I also feel like my appearance does not correspond with who I am. I've been feeling like that for a long time now actually. For example, I've been taught to always make safe choices with what i wear and how i match garments with each other, but that way of carrying pieces of clothing has nothing to do with me since I am everything but noncontroversial and safe. But maybe I'm going along with that style because like my clothes, I've been trying to fade out my opinions and the way that i behave and the way that i talk and the way that i voice my opinions, too. So that makes me think about - what if everything else I've been taught in my life is just like what I've been taught about what I should wear? safe and sound, when what i really am is bold and passionate. And if you're wondering why I'm so worried about clothes, well, it's not that I'm materialistic it's just that I never knew who I was, really - many people around me, many opinions, many friends groups but still for some reason no place where I belong - and that's where the shame with my self expression stemmed from (chiron in 1h in rx if u could not guess). I ALWAYS HAD ABSOLUTELY NO IDEA REGARDING WHO I WAS THEREFORE I DID NOT KNOW WHAT I LIKED THEREFORE I WAS ALWAYS STICKING TO SAFE CHOICES THAT WOULD FIT WITH ALL BUT EXPRESS NONE. AND IT MAY NOT BE LIKE THAT FOR EVERYONE, BUT FOR ME FASHION IS A STATEMENT AND ITS A TOOL FOR SELF EXPRESSION AND I USED TO SUPPRESS THE EXPRESSIVE PARTS OF ME FOR MANY MANY YEARS. And the weird thing is that now that I've been spending a loooot of time on my own, I think I'm finding the things that are me - not my family, not my friends, not my experiences, but just plainly me. I've been building my world in my head for the past year in solitude and in piece, so now I'm upholding a lot strongly an idea of who I (think I) am. Eh, anyways. As I said it's 2023 but this year's coming to an end in just 10 days. Here are my 2024 wishes (stole first three from we're not really strangers mail from today lol) - feel less awkward meeting people, have figured out what I'm doing with my life, be in a relationship that's actually going somewhere (but like defeating the need of sabotaging anything that might be good first pls), feeling secure in myself and catching the hollow voices in my head that really are just echoes of my past, and last but not least get few steps closer to self realization - a single thing that actually matters in this weird world.
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So obviously Advance is your favorite gen in the anime but I’m wondering do you have a personal ranking of the other gens by chance? I’ve been a bit curious as to what you think about the rest of the series.
HELLO ANON this is late, as are all my other responses right now, BUT!!! Here's my ranking, with bias. If I took bias out it would be very different, but this is based on my personal opinions and enjoyment of them rather than me in writer brain analysis mode, though there is overlap. NOTE!!! I ADORE ALL OF THESE, AND ONE BEING AT THE BOTTOM STILL MEANS I LOVE IT WITH MY WHOLE HEART <3333
1.) AG. Frankly, nostalgia is a large part of this because from a neutral standpoint, AG is kinda wack, inconsistent characterization, weird pacing, et cetera, list goes on. But it's so full of LIFE. It's vibrant, it's loud, it's got explosions in most episodes, and it has the Hoenn Coordinators, which for me is a huge point. I think it had really compelling characters in Drew and Harley and May and AG Ash. I wish characterization was more consistent across them, but ultimately it just altched onto my brain and hasn't let go for maybe.... 19 ish years now. Also, AG is just WILD. Divorce episode. Kidnapped by skarmory. In Japanese intro, it makes mystery dungeon red/blue canon. TOSSING PEOPLE OFF OF WATERFALLS. I adore it. It's chock full of batshit insane energy. Choose a random AG episode and you'll be getting whiplash from every scene. it's WILD, and they let Harley say boytoy several times.
2.) Original Series. Similar points as above!!! it's so unapologetically FUN and VIBRANT. It's the most iconic, and has line after line after line I can quote from the heart. Frying pan as a drying pan, my beloved. I think it has arguably the MOST consistent characterizations, and a consistent story and plot rather than feeling all over the place like certain other seasons. It's just FUN.
3.) Diamond and Pearl. I really like DP because it tried something with Ash and Paul that I really liked. Rivals before Ash and Paul were generally friendly, or at least could come together in some situations. May and Drew had their whole thing, Ash and Gary argue but are there for eachother, Ritchie and Morrison existed, I guess, even Harley, who is the most sinister rival up to this point, was only sinister because of his own personality stuff and not any deeper reason. But Paul shook it up. Paul challenged Ash in ways he hasn't been challenged before- it was largely ideological in nature, challenging everything Ash knows and believes in, and i LOVE that. It's a GOOD RIVALRY. I would change many things about paul, he is my IKEA shelf to fix, but I find that one of the most compelling character relationships. AND THIS ISN'T EVEN GETTING INTO HOW MUCH I ADORE DAWN!!!!!!!!!!! Also Brock had the best characterization here, IMO. And, hot take, Conway is SO FUN when he isn't... you know. in creepy conway mode. unfortunately. sigh.
4.) BW. Do I ever watch it? Not particularly. Are Cilan and Iris in it? Yes, therefore, higher spot on the list. Also, good battles, fun gym leaders, fun meowth plot. Nothing super specific to say about it, I just like it!!!
5.) Orange Islands. just good vibes, not much to say. I like it but would consider it my least-watched along with SM, unfortunately. HOWEVER it has Tracey, and for that it goes here because I love Tracey. <3333
6.) XY. I had a DIFFICULT TIME placing XY because it is riddled with issue after issue for me personally. But I think its art style and music and pacing and animation is my favorite of any season. I liken XY to the following: Imagine you have wagyu beef, expensive brioche bread, fresh homegrown tomatoes, and fancy ass cheese. You put them together and somehow end up with a mcdonalds cheeseburger. It has ALL THE PERFECT PIECES and yet when put together it, uh, had issues. But I do really love all the individual pieces and the potential of XY.
7.) Sun moon, but only because I know it less. I do find some of the voice acting rather grating in this season specifically, and from everything my sister has said the entire lusamine arc was, uh ??????????? weird?, and I don't UNDERSTAND some decisions made, but I do know it has a well-deserved cult following who adore it!! I just never quite joined, but I do still love it from a distance.
8.) I am so sorry, but Journeys. I want to love it. I do. I truly do. However, I just... have thoughts. I have not seen as much of journeys, but I do think that it felt incredibly jumbled and all over the place. I love Goh and Chloe, but ultimately in my personal ranking, they don't save Journeys.
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Pirate Month: Ducktales 2017: Sky Pirates In The Sky! Review (Comission for WeirdKev27)
Avast all ye happy people and welcome back to Pirate Month. And while we're winding up the sails with just one more pirate review to go, it's time to take from the seas to the skys as we soar into familiar territory.
Ducktales is a show near and dear to my heart and what got this blog jumpstarted. While I made an attempt at comic reviews and eventually got back into those, it was talking about Ducktales season 3 as it came out that truly cemented this blog and brought Kev to said blog, which allowed me to make it a career. I've reviewed a LOT of duck and disney afternoon content: At this time i've done a retrospective on The Three Cablleros, on the arcs for seasons 1 and 2, reviewed all of season 3 as it came out, revieweid all the episodes introducing the justice ducks and fearsome four for darkwing duck along with a few others, every disney afternoon pilot , and the epic legend of the chaos god. I even reviewed the excellent A Goofy Movie and got a retweet from Kevin Lima himself. I also have covered a good chunk of life and times with scrooge mcduck and PLAN to finish it. For real I swear.
So you may be asking why with all of that and much more than I could fit in there, why haven't I done a ton of duck stuff lately? A couple of reasons. The first is that a LOT of these big projects are done on Kev's dime, and we both haven't thought of any new retrospectives (Though if you have ideas please feel free to pitch or comission them), and he's had other stuff he wanted to do this year from this very pirate month to next month's look at some other disney stuff as we go to infinity and beyond. That's the same for me: I love this show and various other disney stuff, but i've had other stuff i've wanted to do or needed to do and with me slimming down my schedule and how forgetful I can be I simply hadn't made time for any. I will be finishing LIfe and Time's main story this year (And will get to the rest eventually), and may try to do more duck stuff next year, I simply had a lot going on this year both in and out of the blog and thus things were a bit messier. Add in having to scale back for my own sanity and having times where i've slipped and you can see why it's been a while.
That being said going back to it was like I never left and this is a decent ep to come back to as this month woudln't be complete without the fearsome, the famous, and the handsome Don Karnage!
I may do a tailspin one if I do this again next year, which all signs point to Yarr. So let's talk about this handsome devil.. and this episode I guess.
This episode.. is alright, and since the good part of the episode is the whole reason it's part of this theme month, let's start there: Don Karnage steals the whole damn show here and rightfully so: Jamie Camill is a delight, and Disney has made good use of him in Star Vs and Legend of the Three Cabs, so he was a shoe in for this revamp of the classic Tailspin villian. Instead of being Ricky Recardo but a wolf pirate, a sentence that makes me happy I get paid to say things like that, he's a younger, suaver, sining version, putting on a show.. while also using it to confuse his enemy. He's egotsitical, belivies it should all be on him, but geninely wants to push his crew to be the best and has reasons for not letting them have solos or throwing them overboard. He's ruthless.. but he's got style and standards. He's also according to the creators the son of the original Karnage, a nice way to explain the diffrences while still letting him be his own man. What happened to the original
We didn't get Season 4 so unless details like that are in the behind the scenes book or in a future movie or followup series, we'll never know.
Naturally given how some fanboys default reaction to anything is
Naturally some complained but like many changes it calmed down. I'm not saying some changes to a work can be bad but maybe wait a second or find out if it was studio mandate before you shake your fist and strike up the mob ya know?:
One complaint I get SLIGHTLY more is that Karnage is a TailSpin villian, and this isn't that, and they might of saved him for a reboot. Given that still hasn't happened, that part's passed but as a fan of comics like the creators themselves I got and welcomed the logic. Often in comics you see villians transfer from one rogues gallery to another and given Youngberg and Angones were fans of Chris Claremont's iconic run on x-men, it's no suprised they'd take a page from chris' book as SEVERAL now iconic x-foes were characters Chris had created elswhere but fit better into his magnum opus: Arcade started as a Spider-Man Villian, Mystique fighting Carol Danvers, and Sabertooth as a foe of the immortal iron fist. They simply took that sort of malablity here.
And honestly it works. It was too early in the show to throw in the rest of the cast but Karnage works just as well as a McDuck family villian given Tailspin has the same pulp adventure styling, just slightly diffrent. It's a blast seening the Iron Vulture gobble up the Sunchaser and pirates work very well. So he fits in perfectly.
On top of that he gives Dewey a nemisis as in theory each of the main kids were clearly supposed to have one: Huey with Mark Beaks, Louie with Doofus, Webby with Magica and Ma Beagle (She got two) and thus Dewey with Don Karnage. Out of them though only Karnage and Doofus really stuck as truly nemeses, with Karnage even outright only joining the legion of glom in season 2 because he could kill Dewey. Magica is more one to both webby AND lena, by season 2 it's clear beaks is more fenton's nemisis, and Ma Beagle faded from relevance. Karnage on the other hand stuck all three seasons, with the two even getting a dramatic showdown in the final episode. While it's more on Karnage's side as Dewey upstaged him, took his crew (if temporarily and bested him, Dewey forgets him, Deweys till clearly loves having an arch enemy and Karnage is a perfect Foil: he's all of dewey's ego and selfishness, but with more focus and just as much flair. Dewey needed an arch as operatic and attention whoring as he is and he certainly got it.
That does bring us to the episode's weakpoint though; While Camill is a delight as is the rest of the crew, the scientest bit STILL gets me even after all this time, the duck side of things falls flat.. into the jungle. See the show is trying to teach the moral that Dewey feels neglected, that no one is listneing to his cool hat story. And while I get it, kids often have times where their parents and siblings are just busy here.. their all busy doing important stuff and for the mission while Dewey wants to ramble about a hat: Louie and Webby are taking inventory, Huey is trying to keep Launchpad from killing them all, and Scrooge is busy with..
Not only that Dewey ALWAYS wants attention. Always. It's one of his main personality traits. He enjoyed being in a sitcom reality later simply because he got applause, his dreams are a himcentric version of high school musical, he says his name as a verb at least once an episode if he's in focus. It's what makes us love him, no doubt, all of that's amazing, but it makes this aseop not work with him. It would've worked better with say Huey or Louie, who as we find out next season really does feel out of place. But you can't make an aseop about someone being starved for attention when that person is begging for attention every hour of every day wether it's healthy or not. I do know that Dewey's need for attention comes from a deeper place, that it's to fill the void Della left when she was shot up into space, I get that... but the episode dosen't USE that. It's just "Well they were all busy that moment". Dewey's part of things does work a little as he realizes from letting all the pirates have too MUCH spotlight that too mucha ttention can be bad.. but Scrooge apologizing feels weird and them not noticing dewey was missing... is stupid. Scrooge mistaking Huey for Dewey, yeah that's funnya nd works. But no one ELSE noticing a sudden calm makes no sense. The family has to be stupid for Scrooge's words to have weight.
So this episode is decent: The fight scenes are thrilling and the clever trick of having EVERYONE pretend to be d3ewey was both hilarious and badass, the music is goregous and really gets into your head, the don karnage song is every bit as catchy as Launchpad finds it.. it's just held back by a weak main emotoinal throughline. Not a terrible episode of ducktales but one that's more forgetable than an episode with singing air pirates has any right ot be.
Also there's a subplot with Louie and a diamond. It sure is there. Thanks for reading , consider joining my patreon and please follow for more!
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Sooo I think I'm starting to get fond of Emilio 😳👉👈 Do you have any facts about him?
Apart from what's written on yumekuro's official website? Not much. A member of Chevalier Guild widely known as the Sun Knight, Emilio seems to desire a place to belong (居場所). Somewhere he could be himself, perhaps.
Last year, yumekuro offical twitter account posted a series of images in which the meisters are interviewed with a particular question. The question for Chevalier guild is 'What kind of change* do you think will occur in you if you get married?'.
Emilio's reply: "A new, important place to belong, huh... It will be a great change for sure. I'll have to give it my all.
*心境 = a change of mind/heart/mental state
⚠ Spoiler-y area below the cut ⚠
Sometimes mischievous, Emilio is a possessive individual and is aware of it himself. He has a dark persona he does not try to hide, shown in his moon awakening routes. On the less fun side of the fact, it is noted that while they may not exactly be on a bad term, Cyrus and Emilio don't have the best kind of relationship. It is later revealed in the [Make A Wish on A holy Night] event that Emilio doesn't actually have blood ties to his family members. Cyrus, however, isn't aware of this fact. Emilio asks Emma to keep it a secret as he divulges the information to her.
Fuzz once calls Emilio irritating/eyesore in his Beginning of A Bond card story. Both Emilio and Fuzz gives an impression that they don't like the other very much there, but in the end is able to get along (not more than necessary), a cat-and-dog-like relationship.
⚠ Rough translation on his remarks of other people ⚠
CYRUS
Being twins doesn't mean you're together all the time. There's a lot of things I don't know too, you know.
Cyrus is good at identifying the enemy's attack, parrying and counterattacking them. It's a different fighting style than mine.
I always take his presence as something natural. He's someone I've been with for as long as I can remember...
It's rare for us to be doing the same mission. Other than training and whatnot, we barely see each other recently.
We haven't spent a time together this long ever since we joined Chevalier... maybe this is even the first time.
It's not only because we have nothing particular to talk about... But since we're male siblings, I guess that's just how it is.
ROUGE
He really likes alcohol, doesn't he. My tolerance isn't as high, so it's too bad I can't keep him company.
Because he's a wandering poet, he's naturally good at singing. You can't help but listen to his singing voice.
I saw him being chased around by a bar owner before this... I wonder if he's okay, I'm worried.
Even when he's causing trouble, people would still flock around him... That's what you call innate talent, isn't it.
He seems like someone who will belong everywhere he goes but in actually... No, I guess I'll never know unless I ask him.
At any rate, it is not a way of life I can imitate... What an amazing person, right.
ALEX
I'm often told that I share a similar approach to peace with the Captain. I'm happy, but also intimidated.
We often fight on the front lines together, but no matter how many times I see it, his swordsmanship is always admirable. I can't lose either.
To be the receiving end of all the knights' respect, I think he's truly an amazing person. I guess he was meant to be a leader, indeed.
There are so many knights wanting to train with the Captain that it becomes a competition. That's how strong he is.
I've been trying to win at times, but I never could. Nobody has ever been able to, though.
I wonder how much practice he had to go through to attain that strength... So far yet so faraway goal, eh?
HARRIET
He's the best archer in the order. You may be aware of this, but his skill is outstanding, isn't it.
If time allowed, he'd preach the wonder of love to the single knights... Cyrus would have a hard time with that, I think.
Harriet's strong point... Let's see. I think he has an unwavering heart as well as observant eyes. He can see the good in every person.
This might sound out of the blue, but... He's not troubling you, is he?
If Harriet recommends to you, it's highly likely to be me. But if notー
So it's me after all?... Well, I've been recommended no one but you too.
Some lines are striked-through because it's highly likely to be incorrect, better not read too much into them.
Lastly, there's always Twitter. If you put "#yumekuro_tl emilio" in the search bar, you'll find translations of his card/affection stories and voice lines.
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Sooooo i wrote up the whole Dog Man Comix thing for r/HobbyDrama! Link to that here, full copied text below. (Note to self: pin this post if it ever starts spreading again)
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Finally done with my first Hobby Scuffle! It’s not a full Drama because I was involved, and it’s not History because it’s been happening on an off for five years now. A special thanks to u/nissincupramen, u/ailathan, and u/Dlight98 for showing interest and giving advice!
(Disclaimer: All profiles linked were public at the time of posting. Please don’t harass anyone involved, they probably don’t remember said involvement anyway.)
[Literature] Dog Man Comix: How a children’s book page fooled the Internet
Dav Pilkey has been making children’s books since 1987, and has earned nearly every award the career can offer (Caldecott, NYT Best Seller List, getting banned for trivial reasons). Captain Underpants, his biggest claim to fame, is informed by his experience of growing up with ADHD and dyslexia in a less-than-accommodating school system. (He’s been very open about this during school visits and interviews—here’s a transcript of one.)
His cheeky commentary on the issue has garnered a following of kids and adults with similar struggles. Sometimes pages from his books will circulate online, causing insightful discussion and laughs aplenty along the way.
And sometimes, they lead to Wil Wheaton (and many, many others) cheering for a kid that doesn’t exist.
But before I can tell you that story, I have to tell you this story…
Chapter 1: Background and Original Post
On March 22nd, 2017, DreamWorks dropped a trailer for Captain Underpants: The First Epic Movie. Millennials worldwide exclaimed “Woah, I loved these books and I love how faithful this is to their tone and art style!” Then, “Woah, this series is even better than I remember!” and “Dav wrote 4 more CU books after I grew out of them, and their commentary on how American schooling fails neurodivergent kids is sharper than ever!”
I took part in this moment in history, and it was awesome. It was also the catalyst for the biggest mistake of my life.
20 days later, I saw some of Dav’s more recent outings in a bookstore and read them out of curiosity. One of them was Dog Man, a graphic novel spin-off penned by George and Harold, the young protagonists of Captain Underpants.
The first book (and only the first, for some reason) contains in-universe documents from the boys’ kindergarten days, when they first made comics together. My favorite of these was a refocus form Harold was punished with for copying said comics with a teacher’s printer.
“How will my behavior change in the future?: [sic] be more Quieter When making copies of Dog Man Comix in office.
I am ready to re-join the classroom.: No
Why?: Too busy making Dog Man comix”
I thought it was hilarious. So hilarious, in fact, that I had to share it with the growing CU community. So I took a photo and posted it to Tumblr.
Please note how I tagged the post with Captain Underpants, Dog Man, and Harold’s full name. Please note the 200,000+ likes and reblogs, as well.
(cont. in next reply)
Chapter 2: Initial Spread ft. Wil Wheaton
I don’t know how or when the post escaped the CU fandom. My best guess is that someone with way more followers reblogged it without the tags, and thus without the context. All I know is that one day in early May, my phone wouldn’t stop buzzing.
When I checked it, The Post was getting more notes at a faster rate than my blog had ever known before or since. I was delighted to finally be “Tumblr famous”… until I read the comments and tags. Turns out, people thought my photo was of a real form, written by a real kid.
Maybe if I’d edited The Post’s main body and added the context, its spread would’ve stopped then and there. Instead, I commented on it in a way people were guaranteed not to notice and left to do something else.
It hit 3k later that day. The next, it reached 7k. This is when the floodgates truly opened, and I learned the true magnitude of my mistake.
Day in and day out, people were asking where they could find these “Dog Man comix”. Others cheered Harold on for fighting the system, promising to support his future career. I got DM’d under the pretense that I was Harold’s mother.
And if you’re thinking “surely somebody here grew up with Dav’s books and recognized Harold,” you’re correct! Lots of these commenters either deduced Dav’s involvement or found out through Google. (More than one accused me of fooling everyone on purpose.) But for every one of those comments, there were ten more that were oblivious. Even better, some came close but fell just short (i.e. “isn’t this how Dav Pilkey started out lol”; “Someone needs to get this in front of Dav Pilkey stat”). These ones were so funny and frustrating all at once that they’re my favorites to this day.
So why did so many people think the form was real? I’ve had lots of time to ponder this, and I’ve boiled it down to these factors:
People who grew up with CU won’t necessarily know about Dog Man. The eighth and ninth CU books came out six years apart: more than enough time for young readers to grow out of the series or even forget its existence. I know I did before the Movie was announced. Even post-announcement, not everyone hyped for it was guaranteed to look up what Dav’s been up to.
The elements that mark this as something from CU are obscured just enough to pass detection. Harold Hutchins’ fictionality can be confirmed with a Google search, but his last name is initialized on the form. Every teacher in the series has a punny name, but Ms. Construde’s is misspelled here in a way that obscures this. (Not to mention she didn’t appear in the main series, and “misconstrued” isn’t a common word anyway.) Harold’s sketch of Dog Man himself is hard to make out under Construde’s notes.
The book’s pages were shiny, which should’ve been a dead giveaway (nobody laminates refocus forms, AFAIK). However, I took the photo in a dimly-lit bookstore at an angle that minimized the shine to the bottom-right corner.
Finally, refocus forms were kinda upsetting as a kid. Getting your drawings written over in angry red ink was scary, too. I got yelled at more than once for doodling on my notes, and a LOT of people commented with similar stories. Honestly, it’s easy to choose not to research something if its message hooks you in at first sight.
As for how everyone overlooked the red background or the improbability of a kindergartener using a printer… yeah, I got nothin’.
Now, I will admit to leading a few people on, hoping they’d look up the names and realize their error. (Not sure if that ever worked.) But for the most part, I explained things to anyone who asked to see more of Harold’s comix—sometimes in my own words, sometimes with just a photo of the book’s cover. I made a specific tag for these responses and related posts, which is how I’m able to cite so many old comments and accurately track The Post’s growth. (You can read it in chronological order here, if you dare.)
But by then, new comments were coming in so fast that I had no hope of replying to them all. At some point I resigned to simply changing my blog’s description whenever The Post flared up and hoping people would check it. I don’t remember what it said, but I have record of it working exactly once.
Anyway, Wil Wheaton reblogged The Post that September and commented, “Stay strong, Harold.” It had a sizable spike in activity right after, but I didn’t know it was due to him (or even who he was) until a friend alerted me.
By winter, I’d developed a routine. Check The Post. Pray it wouldn’t flare up again. Freak out whenever it did. Change my blog description, maybe pin an explanatory post. Reply to some angry and sad comments, reblog some funny ones. Wait for things to calm down and return to Step 1. The guilt was killing me. I had to come clean with what I’d done, and all the confusion and upset it had caused.
And when you’re dying to confess your sins, you might as well head to the very top.
(cont. in next reply)
Chapter 3: Coming Clean
Snail mail aside, there’s only one way to reach Dav Pilkey and reasonably expect a response: his Instagram. He’s on hiatus at the time of writing, but when the Movie came out, he liked and commented on nearly everything tagged as #captainunderpants. He even filled in minor details about his characters when asked, like their birthdays and middle names, as chronicled here.
No one knew how long this direct line to God would stay open. (He kept going for 3 years, but semantics.) And so, on Christmas Day, I explained myself to him in this admittedly badly formatted post.
He responded that same night. (Here’s me freaking out about it.)
“This is pretty amazing! Would it be okay if we reposted it?”
“@petey_haw_haw Absolutely! Thank you Mr. Pilkey!!”
Nothing ever came of that, AFAIK. Maybe he spoke before consulting his literary agent or something. No hard feelings, though—I’m still just glad he was so chill about it!
The holidays ended on a high note for me that year. Now that the man himself (and maybe his higher-ups at Scholastic) knew about The Post, I thought, maybe the relevant info will get bumped a little higher in Google, and less people will fall for it. Maybe it would even stop spreading altogether!
Chapter 4: To Make A Long Story Short
It didn’t.
Chapter 5: Further Spread
Before we get to The Post’s biggest break, let’s backtrack to a few months earlier. While I was watching the original Tumblr post like a hawk, the photo itself snuck away to infect more websites. First Facebook, then r/pics, Imgur, and…someone’s personal blog, I think? (Sorry for the tiny screencaps, I swear they were bigger when I took them five years ago. Also the ads for Dog Man books in the rightmost photo still kills me.)
Fun fact: I became a Redditor to comment on the photo whenever it got posted here. Besides r/pics (here), it’s popped up on r/me_irl (here), r/funny (here), and… a certain political sub that has since been quarantined and thus can’t be linked to. IIRC, I naively asked that last one to take it down because Scholastic might raise offense. In hindsight, I might’ve dodged a bullet there.
But the worst outbreak was still yet to come…
April 24th, 2021. I was at my day job. When my lunch break rolled around, I checked Twitter and saw that Dog Man was trending.
First I assumed it was about the Michigan cryptid. Then I hoped to God that Dav’s next book was just enjoying a stronger ad campaign than usual. Anything, anything but my photo.
Yeah, it was my photo. Cropped and straightened, but still unmistakably mine. This time it was posted by a family physician with military experience.
I tweeted at him offering to explain things and prove that I was the OP. He never replied. The Tweet itself lost steam less than a day later—possibly due to people’s kids setting the record straight—but not before amassing 18,000+ retweets, 3,500+ QRT’s, and 132,000+ likes. I was terrified the whole time.
This person declared it as “maybe the pinnacle of twitter,” though. I can boast that, at least.
Chapter 6: Conclusion and The Foreseeable Future
The Post hasn’t seen any major activity since April of last year, on Tumblr or elsewhere. Perhaps it’s finally fading into obscurity like it should have long ago.
Speaking of long ago, a recent Tumblr update has made tags and reblogs from 5+ years ago nigh-unviewable. As hard as it was to keep up with them at The Post’s peak, I’m glad I reblogged and screencapped so many when I could.
For all my complaining about The Post ruining my life, I do respect how the response it got exemplified what Dav’s works are about. Many of the people who shared their own school stories added that they were neurodivergent. I’m autistic myself, and school was a constant struggle all the way up to college. I waxed lyrical once that Dav’s jokes about school, “[…] albeit being exaggerated to the point of hilarity, [are] still hauntingly accurate and can strike a chord with readers even long after they’ve outgrown its age demographic”. Seeing that in action for five years straight felt like a curse most days, but if it made any of those commenters feel the slightest bit less alone, I’m willing to call it a blessing.
That being said, I’m still paranoid that said commenters might get wise and hunt me down for fooling them. Specifically in the next few years, because DreamWorks is working on a Dog Man movie. If this account ever goes dark, now you know why.
In the meantime, I shall continue to explain The Post wherever it pops up and contain the beast I unleashed… however in vain that may be.
TL;DR: Author writes school form from Kid’s POV. I post form without enough context. Hundreds of thousands get upset on Kid’s behalf.
#dav pilkey#dog man#dog man comix#captain underpants#too busy making dog man comix#me talking#cu#cu books#reddit#hobbydrama#r/hobbydrama#long#my writes#harold hutchins#harold
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I did not expect to reach 100 followers before the end of the year!
This community is great! Thanks so much! It's been a blast so far!
So, um.. Hi! I'm StayDandy!
I live in USA .. English is my first and (sadly) only language, but I want to learn Korean (I've gotten to the point of knowing the alphabet, being able to read/sound out words, understand a bit of the sentence structure, and recognize/remember a precious few words).
I started to get into Asian dramas and music early 2021.
I've been watching & reading anime & manga/manwha, since college (*cough*, 10 years ago *cough*), but my interest had faded over time. Until last year's nose-dive back into dramas (Prison Playbook cracked the door, and I slammed it open!). I've been obsessed ever since! 😆
The interest in K/J/C-Music is newer; I hadn't really explored it before this past year (unless you count when PSY originally released Gangnam Style lol) .. I still listen to American music, but K/J/C music has taken over my Spotify, it's now the dominant genre (throw in a little Swedish power-metal and that's basically my Library in a nutshell).
I started exploring the whump community on Tumblr this past April - I was honestly amazed there were so many people with this interest, same as me! I started posting in May - I wanted to join in the fun, & contribute my own backlog of lists (I'd been writing them for over a decade after all, might as well put them to good use).
So.. idk if there's any interest.. I thought I'd share a detailed look at my List posts .. some of it is rather self-explanatory, but some of it might not be .. maybe this'll clarify what & why I format them the way I do.
But if you're just looking for a place to start exploring my page, I'd suggest My Directory. It breaks off to everything else. I organize everything manually so it's as accurate as I can make it.
Thanks again for Following along!
Post Breakdown (below the break) :
I'll use this surprisingly popular post as an example (really would not have guessed that Bridal Mask would receive the attention it did).
First, of course, you get the show title (in English & it's original language) .. a picture for the show (I try to use a pic that has the whumpee(s) in it) .. then a quick synopsis of the show. Simple, self-explanatory.
At the end of the synopsis I include a direct link to an official data site for the show (usually it's MyDramaList for Asian shows, and between Wikipedia or InternetMovieDatabase for English shows).
• I include the "AKA" because there are quite a few shows that go by multiple names because of different translations/interpretations of the original title, or even official title changes before it aired. I've had the issue before of trying to find a show using (unknowingly) an uncommon translation of the title, which made it difficult to find what I was looking for. So, JIC, I include them here.
If there's multiple whumpee's I will color-code them, which carries throughout the list.
• The links on the actor names are searches of my Tumblr. It's an easy way to see if I have any other lists with said actor in it. (I don't include them on English lists because I rarely have multiple lists with the same English actor. In the case that I do, I'll add the link)
The country links back to that country's whump list library.
Next are the notes about the show (any interesting details, what it's adapted from, ect.).. notes about my list.. &/or just my general thoughts on the show.
I use ellipsis ( ... ) for when there's a break between whump scenes.
• Every now and then I will include my own thoughts amongst the whump, usually "subscript & in blue"
• You can see the color-coding in action (I wish Tumblr had more color options).
• When there's multiple whumpees I use a kinda "tag-you're-it" system :
-- I mention a Character (A) and their whump until [chronologically in the episodes] something happens to Character (B), any whump following is (B)'s whump.. until (A) is mentioned by name again, then everything after is (A)'s whump ... and so on and so forth.
(Apparently Tumblr only actually uses the first 20 tags on a post, which is incredibly unhelpful. I still try to include all the key-words in my tags, but they're more for my own quick reference when I manually organize my posts.)
Hello again!
Thanks for reading! I've had people tell me I have an "interesting" way of organizing, & I tend to over-think things (you should see the organized chaos that is my bedroom! lol).
If you have any questions, feel free to ask. I'll do my best to answer. Or if you just want to chat, I'm cool with that too.
And for those of you who've made it to the end of this post;
If you see a show in one of my Libraries that is not marked as a "full whump list" (whether it's been posted already or not), but you're interested in seeing a full list for that show, let me know! I'm already going back and updating some partial lists here and there, but if you ask I'll prioritize your request!
Hope ya'll have a good Holiday season and New Year!
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Eiji Akaso's memorable line from Takashi is, "Making tanka means: .......
He talks about his thoughts and feelings about his performance up to this point. And what is the highlight of the last part of the novel?
Maiagare! Climax interview with Eiji Akaso as Takashi Umezu
--Please tell us about your thoughts and feelings after having played the role of Takashi up to this point.
Akaso: I am sad to leave Takashi. I enjoy playing him every time. I played the same role for a year in "Kamen Rider Build" (TV Asahi) before, but this is the first time for me to play a role that goes from my teenage years to my 20s and 30s, as the years go by. I have a strong sense that I am walking through Takashi's life with him.
I have a strong sense that I am walking along with Takashi's life.
I have been approached by more and more people on the street, and each time I hear this, I renew my determination to play the role of Takashi carefully. Also, as is the case when I play other roles, when I play the life of someone completely different from myself, I feel as if, depending on one choice, my life could have turned out this way. It is as if a new part of me is opening up to me.
I'm also sad to be leaving Maiagare! Mai and Kurumi (Mizuki Yamashita) were really warm and I enjoyed working with them on "Maiagare! I enjoyed working with Mai and Kurumi (Mizuki Yamashita).
Childhood friends. Memories of the three of us together can be found at ......
We bought a hat from Goto together and Mai (Fukuhara Haruka)gave me a parka as a present. We promised to wear it to the set, but Kurumi was the only one who wore it (laugh).I like the atmosphere between the three of them, laughing and saying, "That's how it is with childhood friends.
--Do you feel that you have grown up after working on a "morning drama"?
I don't know if I have grown, but I have become more aware of how to play older roles. If I change the texture of my voice, it might sound too contrived, so I try to maintain a calm atmosphere and posture without changing the quality of my voice. In order to appear solid and calm, it is necessary to weigh down the center of gravity. I have increased my weight by drinking protein on a daily basis (laughs).
Above all, I realized anew the importance of communication. I often talk with Mai (Haruka Fukuhara)and the director to clear my doubts and share our thoughts with each other. It is wonderful to have an environment where it is easy to talk like that. One scene that left a particularly strong impression on me was when Mr. HoJoh (Junya Kawashima) lectured me while drunk. I was able to try out a lot of different acting styles, and he made sure to give me time to do so. I really appreciated it.
--The relationship between Takashi and Mai, who support each other, is wonderful.
Yes, it is. What I find attractive about Mai, playing the role of Takashi, is her strength to take one step at a time on her own. I think Takashi wants Mai to continue to be herself even after marriage.
They have their own jobs and different paths, but they are a wonderful couple who follow each other's footsteps with just the right sense of distance. They don't quarrel at all, and I think they are both meticulous and have a good rhythm in their lives. Takashi seems to close the toilet lid properly, and I don't think he ever leaves his socks off (laughs).
--(laughs) - I feel that Takashi is also growing up by facing tanka poetry.
Having Yagi-san's constant support has become a major point in Takashi's life. And as he interacted with Asahi-kun, Dai-chan, and Hina-chan, he also discovered the joy of teaching. He likes to express his feelings, but I guess he also likes to interact with others and do something.
Many of the scenes with children are very memorable. In particular, when he told Dai-chan and Hina-chan, who were struggling with their tanka homework, "To write tanka poems is to be proud that you are here, different from everyone else! I'm different from anyone else here! I had never heard him express why he composes tanka poems, so this was a scene that gave me a glimpse of the core of Takashi.
I was also struck by Takashi's comment to Hina-chan, who says that she can get by with just saying "yabai," "kawaii," or "creepy" to match everyone else, that "there are a lot of words, but you have to find the word that best fits your feelings. The way we use words can drastically change the way we relate to each other. Among the many words available to us, we need to find the words that best fit our feelings and express them. It made me think again about the importance of using Japanese carefully.
--Lastly, please tell us about the highlights of Takashi's future.
As well as being a poet, there are events that will affect Takashi's life in the future. Through these events, Takashi's life will become even more expansive, as he will be able to see what he wants to do.
This is also the first time for me to play the role of a father. I am happy to be able to experience something I have never done before in a "morning drama. I hope you will watch over Mai-chan and Takashi until the end.
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It wouldn’t be my favorite show if ppl didn’t keep up the 10 year long tradition of not acknowledging banana boy as an important character the writers write things about on purpose. Feels like home going out this way.
“Why did they waste an episode focusing on JAUNE instead of anyone else? What about Ruby or Raven or Yang?!”
Deep breath.
Because the company is shutting down and anything that they release are the episodes or parts of the episodes they had already finished and can edit in such a way where they feel it’s good enough to release.
We don’t know. And may never know. What their entire plan for Beyond is. The last stream is on the 26 so maybe someone will ask how many episodes they had PLANNED before learning THE COMPANY WAS BEING SHUT DOWN.
“This is the very first entry in which I guess is going to become my journal.”
Maybe their goal was for 12 mini episodes to touch on specific things that they can’t show super in depth in volume 10 / things they wanted to shine a light on. In rwby proper Sun and Neptune being silly goofy detectives would not match the somber and serious tone of the epilogue we saw. Much like world of remnant was a world building story book of exposition and narration, Beyond doesn’t quite fit into show proper. What I love about rwby being a web series is that it CAN have these offshoots and branches and funny side things and STILL have the main story. Like an OVA.
IF we had gotten Ruby v9 aftermath in this episode instead: what would ppl be okay with seeing. It’s less than six minutes just like volume one episodes. She could not “Tell Yang about Raven, bond with Oscar, have a talk with Pietro” all at the same time. If anyone reads this then maybe they’ll snap “any one of those is better than what we got” and maybe they truly believe that. Or maybe if crwby picked the “wrong” thing to focus on they’d say why This and not That.
The company is shutting down and anything that is released is what they already had finished Enough.
Knocks on the glass. We still have Two Whole Episodes. Next week could be Bees or Weiss family or Penny talk or Ruby. We. Don’t. Know!!!!! What I do know is that it feels familiar in a toxic relationship way to see people bitching YES BITCHING about having a Jaune focused episode. That’s an uncomfortable constant. Won’t miss it but as the Company Shuts Down it truly feels like old times.
The episode was amazing by the way in case people haven’t watched it bc of Jaune. The art style is lovely, it showcases the lingering trauma of the ever after. It’s got Jaune having sympathy for Oscar. “He never apologized!!” And neither did Emerald who episodes before joining the team was helping Cinder fight Penny. It’s not a plot hole. It’s not lazy writing. We clearly have seen Jaune grow to care and worry about Oscar post his volume 6 wall push. Immediate after that he’s so upset when they find out he’s missing. I’m assuming in the show context they had made up. Just like I’m assuming Raven has told ppl she’s the spring maiden after her daughter went missing. Like. I too wish we saw more of things but we didn’t and we gotta move on about what isn’t gonna happen or might not happen the way we Think It Should.
It’s less than a month until the company is shut down along with the apps. Isn’t that fucked.
I WANT to tag this. But I won’t. But if you do find and read this please know that I’m not knocking people for Wanting Other Characters. I’m 100% on board with man I wish we had gotten a glimpse into someone else.
But under the circumstances of who they can get, what they’ve already made, and just. Their own emotions about working so hard for something they might never get the legal rights to work on again. Having a short episode about the secondary main character of the show (I count all of team rwby as main characters all four are the mains) after what he’s gone through and the specific context of feeling out of place. Coming Back Changed in a way that relates to Oscar. Was Intentional.
And to be perfectly honest if they took up five minutes of a show proper episode yall would fucking riot so. As a Jaune fan who understands the anting to see team rwby count your blessing this Jaune Feelings is presented the way it is bc again. Yall would throw a fit if this was a PART of the show proper.
#but for real I loved the episode#I would love for this to have been however long they wanted it to originally#keep in mind there are TWO WHOLE EPISODES left#and the last stream is on the 26th of April#you would think ppl would combine all these facts but Jaune hate or annoyance is stronger
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APRIL 2024
THE RIB PAGE
Look for it May 3: Catching Fire: The story of Anita Pallenberg. Scarlett Johansson is her voice from an unpublished memoir.
*****
The 96th Oscars happened! Kimmel did a great job. It felt calm and relaxed. Da’vine Joy Randolph got herself an Oscar. The usual suspects won everything with Poor Things and Oppenheimer doing quite well. Emma Stone was great in Poor Things but I was so routing for Lily Gladstone. American Fiction won best adapted screenplay. I was so happy that War is Over won and it was great to see Sean Ono Lennon and he asked the audience to yell Happy Mothers Day to Yoko!! Just about the best part of the night. Zone of interest won best International pic and it came with a controversial speech. My best dressed were Zendaya and Lily Gladstone. Other bests were Rita Moreno, Jodie Foster, Billie Eilish, Ke Huy Quan, Greta Gerwig, Florence Pugh, Issa Rae, Kelly Ripa and Mark Consuelos, Kirsten Dunst and Jessie Plemons, Charlize Theron, Mary Steenburgen, Jeffrey Wright, Mark Ruffalo, Tantoo Cardinal and Lupita Nyongo. America Ferrera and Brendan Fraser’s wife were like shiny book ends and I loved it. Emily Blunt and Margot Robbie looked stressed and uncomfortable. Melissa Rivers thought there was not a lot of structure on the red carpet. I disagree, thought there were too many. She was right about the ties, though.. More ties. It is not always cool with open collars. There was a lot of fabric being pulled along behind on this carpet. ** Many changed for the Vanity fair afterparty. Waiting in line to get into the party there were some more best dressed like Lindsay Lohan, Salma Hayek and Emily Blunt. ** Toward the end of the show, Scary Clown 45 weighed in and Kimmel against advice had to comment with, “Isn’t it past your jail time?”. There are now t-shirts and mugs with the line.
*****
Dr. Dre and Martha Reeves got their star on the Hollywood Walk of Fame. ** Missionary is Dr. Dre and Snoop back after 30 years with an answer to Doggy Style.
*****
We are really going backwards this summer with Ghostbusters and Beetlejuice. But, I guess Retro will be the word of the season cuz they will probably be big!
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Clerks III just made me bawl my eyes out. - Tyler Lappin
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There is a new kickoff rule in the NFL. The kicker’s teammates will now line up at the opponents 40- yard line.
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Suffs on Broadway looks awesome with Hillary Clinton producing.
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Jonathon Haidt is out with a book called The Anxious Generation. It is filled with alarming statistics about the smart phone age. The rewiring angle is so true. This is why I don’t have a smart phone. We must pay attention to the depression, anxiety and suicide in the world.
*****
The Will and Jada Pinkett Smith family charity is shutting down. Revenue has dropped drastically in the past couple of years. Journalists are looking into their donations and some are a mystery. They gave to Rebecoming and they can’t seem to be found. Smith tax info will be released soon.
*****
Can’t wait for Ezra with Bobby Cannavale, Robert DeNiro, Vera Farmiga, Rose Byrne and Whoopi Goldberg. Tony Goldwyn is directing.
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There is no point in giving a gift unless one also treasures it oneself. - Madam Colette
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RFK Jr. has chosen Nicole Shanahan as his VP.
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Summer Blizzard flavors are here: Picnic Peach Cobbler, Ultimate Cookie and Peanut Butter cookie dough party. ** Cherry dip is back at DQ.
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Are you creating more terrorists than you are killing? - Donald Rumsfeld
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The British board of film classification changed the Mary Poppins and Ratatouille rating from U to PG.
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Banksy has new artwork in London that seems to be a message of environmentalism.
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Tommy is back on Broadway.
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Krispy Kreme is coming to McDonald’s.
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The U.S. Fish and Wildlife Service is tightening restrictions on imports of African elephants.
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Tori Spelling filed for divorce from Dean McDermott.
*****
The Black Crowes have a new album with Happiness Bastards.
*****
Jennifer Ehles character on Law and Order: Organized Crime is so fuckin’ good that she needs to be a regular or have her own spin off. How about Law and Order: Small Town!! I have lived in enough small towns to know that they can compete with the big city on scandal and secrets.
*****
Look for the Power of the heart tribute to Lou Reed CD on April 19. Artists will include Keith Richards, Lucinda Williams, Rufus Wainwright, Roseanne Cash, Angel Olsen, Joan Jett and the Blackhearts and Rickie Lee Jones.
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Warner Brothers has sidelined Coyote Vs. Acme. The movie that Will Forte calls, “incredible”, is complete. The film with Forte and John Cena has been left on the shelf for tax purposes? Ugh!
*****
Why does Biden get so much shit for Afghanistan? This was Trump’s baby and Biden just carried out the time frame. I mean, they always so conveniently forget.
*****
So.. The Chinese are bringing their own countrymen over here and forcing them to work on U.S. pot farms?? Why is our world filled with such heartless greed? There should be no angst involved with the weed industry.
*****
Joseph Cuffari is under investigation for failing to notify congress of missing secret service text messages from Jan. 6, deleting text and a settlement with a former employee. He claims he isn’t being investigated and that he is a whistleblower. LIES! They deny deny, they create their own truths. WTF? ** Why does the one Trump judge not seem to really understand the Presidential Records Act?
*****
Spiritual Narcissist? What a label.
*****
Oregon decriminalized illicit drugs 3 years ago but are rethinking things. Unfortunately, fentanyl use has exploded which brought OD’s. The state decided to recriminalize possession last month. The bill encourages authority to refer people to treatment, though.
*****
The Feds are considering changing marijuana’s place in the controlled substance act list.
*****
The Eagles trial ended with a thud. Three men were charged with trying to sell stolen notes about Hotel California. Mid trial, the judge dismissed the charges after new evidence that had been withheld surfaced. Ed Sanders obtained the notes legally as he was writing a never released book about the group.
*****
Days alert: Greg Vaughan was hospitalized after severe altitude sickness while on vaca. ** Bring back Jen Lilley!! ** I didn’t think I would miss Nicole but I think I will. Please let the powers that be work this out. ** I miss Justin and Bonnie!** I caught a GH the other day. I hadn’t seen it in years but it seems that so many of the characters look alike. On Days, there is a lot of individuality. I don’t know, maybe it’s just me. ** Is Sammy on her way home??
*****
The Daytime Emmy’s are set for June 7.
*****
Tennessee is discussing the “Chemtrail bill”. The sponsor says that the bill only applies to geoengineering. Some environmentalists say it is conspiracy theory nonsense. Chemtrails is a conspiracy theory related to the lines of vapor coming from jet planes. The bill says that intentional injection release or dispersion by any means, of chemicals, chemical compounds, substances, or apparatus within the borders of this state into the atmosphere with the express purpose of affecting temperature, weather, or the intensity of the sunlight is prohibited.” The bill passed the Tennessee senate. ** This almost seems like a direct response to Biden’s measure of instructing the office of science and technology to work with NASA on research of climate intervention.
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The Republicans against Trump campaign have put together $50 mil to support the 30% or so of their party. ** Recent studies have shown there is a growing distance between young people in this country. There are more and more young men that identify as republican and more and more young women that call themselves democrats. Mixed political marriage may be a thing of the past. An older group of women call themselves, “the wives of the deplorables.”
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The Ruth Bader Ginsburg women of leadership Award which last year went to Streisand has suddenly changed. The organization that gives the award, the Dwight Opperman Foundation, shortened the name to the Leadership award. The recipients are Elon Musk, Rupert Murdoch, Sly Stallone, Martha Stewart and Michael Milken. Ginsburg’s family and Streisand say they do not support those choices. The Justice’s family has no affiliation with and does not endorse these awards. - Ruth’s daughter Jane.
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SCOTUS refused to hear the former New Mexico county official, Covy Griffin case. The Cowboy for Trump was ordered to step down from the Otero Co. Board of commissioners after he breached the Capital grounds and was convicted. It is the first time an elected official was removed from office for rebellion against the U.S. since the Civil War.
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Happy Gilmore 2? Yes, Please!
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A new prehistoric bird was discovered in China. Imparavis Attenboroughi or Attenborough’s strange bird existed 120 million years ago. It is one of the few in early cretaceous to have no teeth.
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Of course, the classified doc report from Robert Hur was shady. Hur reported about Biden being a sympathetic, well- meaning elderly man. What? The “confusion” he seemed to refer to was a mix up of a few dates which I think we could all be guilty of. The report tells us that Biden remembered many stories with no problem. In fact, Hur seemed impressed with how solid Biden’s recall was. He has a great memory. ** You appear to have a photographic memory with understanding and recall. - Robert Hur
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Why does Corey Reynolds not have a pile of Emmy’s?? He just gets better. He is sheer perfection on Resident Alien. Love him!!!
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The Pope told Ukraine to stop fighting. What?
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Biden has approved air drops of aid into Gaza. Air drops are the most expensive and least effective way to help. Hey Israel: Stop blocking aid to Gaza! He whispered at the SOTU that Netanyahu will have a “come to Jesus moment.” BTW, State of the Union was awesome. Weak? Confused? I don’t think so. He was wired! Let’s hear more about 3% inflation, low unemployment, the chips act and see the real faces of abortion and IVF restrictions. And so glad that he mentioned the Freedom to vote act. And why did MTG look like a Wal Mart greeter? And why is she shying away from questions about her space lasers? And why is she so rude when others are talking? No manners whatsoever, it was as if she was raised by well, wolves would have done a better job. And Mike Johnson looks so unpleasant. Why does he seem to hate some of us? We haven’t done anything to him. Let’s be proud of America and all that it is and can be. And why do some take credit for an infrastructure bill they voted against? I am so glad that Biden mentioned that. I have been saying that for months. And why won’t people applaud for the education of children? I understand the usual party in charge applauds and the other side sits on their hands but c’mon!! **Steven Nikoui was arrested for shouting at Biden. He and others say, “ Biden never honored those killed at the Abbygate in Kabul. Last year, the President put out a statement mourning the lives of the service members and civilians killed in the horrific terrorist attack. ** George Santos was there. Can’t seem to truly get rid of him. He says that he will run again as an independent. Clarence Thomas was not there. I see the big guns are really starting to speak out. Max Brooks gave us all a great list to appreciate all that Biden has done for this country. He compares the President to FDR. There are policies in place that will benefit us for many years to come. It is time to quit fucking around. I am sure we will see more and more humans with actual brains make their case. ** Some voters say the Biden administration is just nothing. What? Infrastructure? Ever improving economy? Sustainable energy? We will see the residual effects of all this administration has done for years. Nothing?
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Rebuttal: What a joke! If some had not heard of Katie Britt before, they sure have now. Republican woman in the kitchen is sort of the perfect statement on the conservatives. She told a specific, horrific sex trafficking story to make Biden look bad. The story took place in Mexico and was during the Bush administration. ** Katie Britt is so bad that she couldn’t be in one of my movies. -Tom Arnold ** Well, that Katie Britt experience was.. Experimental. - Michael Steele ** I guess Katie Britt just failed her VP audition. Godawful! -Roger Stone ** Sen. Katie Britt says that sexual assault is the worst thing that can happen to a woman while encouraging Americans to vote for a convicted sexual predator. - Shannon Watts
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Marjorie Taylor Greene filed a motion to oust Mike Johnson, but will she pull the trigger?
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Marjorie Taylor Greene: America’s most embarrassing cousin. - Bill Maher ** She is the true white trash of our country. ** It’s St. Patrick’s Day when Lauren Boebert jerks off a leprechaun. - Bill Maher ** Maher fired CAA after 20 years. ** Not sure what to think about Kara Swisher but she did call out Maher on his Elon crush.
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Did I see Nicholas Braun as Andy Kaufman for the SNL movie??
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When I saw an ad for the new horror, Immaculate, I was sure that it was an Agnes of God remake.
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We celebrated the NAACP Image Awards. My best dressed were Kerry Washington, Keke Palmer, Sheryl Lee Ralph, Andra Day, Ava Duverney and Misty Copeland. Winners included Victoria Monet, Brandee Younger, Mike Epps, Quinta Brunson and Colman Domingo. New Edition was put in the Hall of Fame and Usher was entertainer of the year.
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There is a Waltons cookbook in the works!!!!!!!
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I usually have a pretty good annoyance with tv ads but I so loved this Wal Mart/ Dino ad. So cute!
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Kamala Harris toured a Planned Parenthood clinic. Goos for you, VP.
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Tony Goldwyn had big shoes to fill when he replaced Sam Waterston on Law and Order but it is a perfect fit.
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History is full of the errors of states and Princes. -Ben Franklin
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10 years after the water crisis in Michigan, Flint residents have got $0 of the $626.25 mil fund for the lead in their water. Lawyers have gotten their $47.9 mil.
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Nikki Haley is out. She did take Vermont. Jason Palmer is out. He did beat Biden in American Samoa. Bloomberg won that territory in 2020. Dean Phillips is out.
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Rupert Murdoch is engaged to Elena Zhukova.
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Gov. Abbott in Texas and those crazies have taken over Eagle Pass and the citizens living there are not too happy about it. A local Republican rep says “wetback” for the cameras and does not think twice.
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Mark Robinson is running for N. Carolina Gov. He is proudly anti- homosexual, trans, Beyonce (satanic), Martin Luther King (communist), Parkland school shooting victims (spoiled little bastards). Yikes!
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The USPS has unveiled their new Betty Ford stamp which goes on sale April 15 for 68 cents. Looking forward to the Dungeons and Dragon stamps which have no release date yet.
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An independent investigator cleared Police in the Uvalde shooting.
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New Jersey’s Jose Uribe pled guilty to 7 charges including conspiracy to commit bribery, wire fraud, obstruction of justice and tax evasion. It is alleged that he gave Sen. Bob Menendez’s wife a car. He could face 95 years but is cooperating. The indictment says the Senator helped Uribe by trying to persuade prosecutors to go easy on associates. ** Sen Bob Menendez and his wife Nadine have been charged with obstructing justice.
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In the fake elector plot, Kenneth Chesebro pled guilty in Georgia’s RICO case. People seem to think this can’t happen here but here it is. Stop screwing over your fellow citizens!! ** Hate democracy?? Love dictators?? If ya’ll want to be in Russia so bad, GOI!!!! They have the system that the red hats seem to want. Don’t turn America into Russia, go there! Reagan must be rolling over in his grave. **
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Chuck Schumer asked for new leadership in Israel.
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Two men pled guilty to shooting and killing 3 wild donkeys with AR- style rifles in the Mojave Desert. They will be sentenced in July.
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Sexual assault news: Former Mormon Bishop, John Goodrich, was arrested on felony child sex abuse charges. ** Oh Yeong Su was convicted of sexual misconduct.
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Tik Tok ban? Is it wrong? What does Jeff Yass have to do with all this? After he visited Trump, suddenly Trump wants Tik Tok to stay.
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Archeologists in Egypt found the top half of a statue of Ramses II. The bottom was found in 1930.
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Australia grew the biggest blueberry ever at 20.4 grams.
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Pierce Brosnan pled guilty to trespassing off of a Yellowstone trail. He was fined $1,500.00.
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The RNC has elected Michael Whatley and Lara Trump as the new leaders. Some are calling it a mob like takeover. The first thing they did was to lay off most of the staff. They are told to reapply. They also ended the minority outreach program. ** They say the Trump legal bills come to about $230 thou a day. The money has to come from somewhere and Lara Trump vowed to use the RNC money for her father –in- law. The down ballet races need to fend for themselves because if they defend and save the head of the snake, they will all be alright, I guess.?
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Kari Lake did not contest her statements in a defamation lawsuit in Arizona. She seems to just want to leave it behind her.
Some say that Trump should have a VP apprentice. Tulsi Gabbard is in the mix as a VP pick. Her Father, Mike Gabbard is one of the longest serving Dem Senators in the Hawaii legislature. He established the non- profit, ‘Stop promoting Homosexuality.’ Tulsi worked for the anti-LGBTQ organization. So, of course, Trump is interested. She has played both sides, just like him.
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The laughing stock of the country does not have enough lawsuits so he sued George Stephanopoulos for defamation.
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Rep. Mike Gallagher of Wisconsin will step down in April, ahead of the end of his term in January. This will bring the house Republicans to a 1 point difference with the Dems. Gallagher introduced the bill to ban Tik Tok.
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Robert Telles, former Clark Co. Public administrator in Vegas is on trial for killing reporter Jeff German. The trial was postponed as they wait for the State Supreme Court to decide if German’s cell phone and computer were protected from disclosure.
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Princess Kate has cancer. The Press finally shut up about it.
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Rod Blagojevich tried to reverse a ban on his return to public life. Every shady character will try it now, thanks to Scary Clown. “No. Just go.”- Judge Seeger
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Sandy Hook never happened. They’re all actors. - Aaron Rodgers** This is a possibility for VP, along with Jesse Ventura for RFK Jr. I guess this all we need to know.
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CVS and Walgreens now have Federal certification to dispense mifepristone for medical abortions. It is rolling out in Massachusetts, Rhode Island, New York, Pennsylvania, California and Illinois.
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Alaia Baldwin Aronow was arrested in Georgia for simple assault, simple battery, battery and criminal trespassing. This included throwing a used tampon at a female staff member. This happened just after Father Stephen Baldwin posted a message asking for prayers for his other daughter, Haley and her hubby Justin Bieber.
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Former WWE wrestler, Billy Jack Haynes was charged with murder in his wife’s death.
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The DOJ is giving a full investigation to Boeing.
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Dr. Phil has a new network, Merit Street Media and will host Dr. Phil Primetime.
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Reporter Steve Baker was arrested by the FBI and charged with knowingly entering or remaining in any restricted building or grounds without lawful authority. He was also charged with disorderly and disruptive conduct in a restricted building or grounds, disorderly conduct in a capitol building and parading, demonstration or picketing in a Capitol building.
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Regular church goers have dropped to under 50%. What other ways can we get together as a community?
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Why is Alabama’s murder rate 3 times higher that NY? And why do conservatives always talk about crime in NY?
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France has made an abortion a constitutional right.
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Liberty University will pay $ 14 million in fines for ‘failure to disclose information’ about crimes on campus and treatment of sexual assault survivors under the Clery act. The facility put itself out there as one of the safest. LIES!! Many sexual assault victims were scared to report and when they did, victims were blamed. The University acknowledged incorrect statistical reports and often warnings and emergency notifications were not sent. The schools net assets are $3.5 billion. Liberty settled a lawsuit in 2022 by 12 women on the unsafe environment and mishandling cases of sexual assault. 3 years ago, Falwell Jr. And the U have filed lawsuits against each other.
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Trump hates leap year. He thinks it is a woke plot to make black history month longer. -Bill Maher ** Isn’t it strange that they always talk about Trump and the working class. We all know it is the prejudice, the racist faction that support him. ** The Republican agenda is 800 pages long. They speak about downsize and change but their 800 pages makes it clear that it is business as usual. The main difference is that they promise to fire hundreds of government employees. The Heritage Foundation is signing up loyalists at rallies to take their place. This country would become a Trump enterprise and we all know how well his businesses are run. ** Scary Clown 45 is taking credit for a 2014 Veterans bill that Obama signed. He also claimed that leaders in ISIS call him, “your highness.” ** Traitor + President= Tresident.
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Brian Butler is the 20 -year Trump employee that is giving testimony in the documents case. He claims they were moving boxes as the Feds were looking for them. ** Word is that there may be less Trump rallies as they use all the $ for lawyers. ** The hush money trial was delayed because of new evidence. Manhattan asked for this a year ago and just now got it. ** A California Judge has recommended disbarring John Eastman, a Trump lawyer that challenged the 2020 election results.
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Police in Mississippi who called themselves the Goon Squad were sentenced. In 2023 the group beat, shocked and sexually assaulted 2 black men for hours. One of the men was shot but they survived. 3 of the 6 also pled guilty to a separate incident. The Sheriff of Rankin County has a $400mil lawsuit against him for failure to properly train the officers.
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James Carville is at it again. He tells us that Trump literally stinks. Is that why they are drawn to him. Are these just a bunch of stinky minions?
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133 people were killed in a Moscow Concert Hall and ISIS took credit for it.
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Will Trent just gets better!!
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So, NBC hires the election denier, Ronna McDaniel and then fires her after the other talking heads freak out. Figures it is NBC. Why is it always NBC?
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Fani Willis will stay on the case in Georgia. Her acquaintance is off the case.
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Will the Supreme Court give Presidents complete immunity? What will Biden do with the power?
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Kyrsten Sinema won’t run for reelection.
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Trump is a snake oil salesperson. If they were having his (Biden) wake and it was him V. Trump and he was being given last rites, I would still vote for Joe Biden. - Mark Cuban
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Trump: He’s so fucking stupid. He’s a fucking moron. - Robert DeNiro
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We need a better education system in this country since people can’t seem to see what is real. RFK Jr. and Trump yell about the truth all the time and they seem to be the biggest liars I have ever seen. ** Scary Clown 45 won the golf club championship and the senior club champion. He is amazing.
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Red Bull Racing boss, Christian Horner was investigated after accusations of misconduct. He was cleared but things seem to keep escalating. Team members are threatening to leave and leaked e mails of inappropriate behavior.
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The Freaky Friday sequel is on the way.
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Oprah told the world that Steadman eats Octopus and Okra every morning.
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Elon Musk was interviewed for Don Lemon’s new show and then Musk cancelled it .** Musk seems worried about AI being too woke. ** Musk and his right -wing cohorts now seem to think there is a Haitian cannibal invasion.
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The pillow guy is begging for 100% of your money.
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R.I.P. David Culhane, Iris Apfel, Moscow concert hall victims, Janice Burgess, Amnon Weinstein, Thomas Stafford, Martin Greenfield, Rockford stabbing victims, Dorie Ladner, Peter Anthony Morgan, Kenneth Mitchell, Micheline Presle, Akira Toriyama, Ohio tornado vicims, Byron Janis, David Seidler, Dan Wakefield, David Breashears, Richard Serra, Marjorie Perloff, Francis Scott Key bridge collapse victims, Jerry Foley, Max Hardy, Steve Harley, Michael Culver, Roni Stoneman, Bud E.S. Lamareaux III, Richard Truly, Jim Beard, Malachy McCourt, Eric Carmen, Robyn Bernard, David Mixner, M. Emmet Walsh and Steve Lawrence.
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Addiction is the disease of the lost self…it is in itself an attachment disorder; adiction is the result of having unmet developmental needs. - Shannon Algeo, Disconnected
I’ve been thinking a lot about addiction these past five weeks. When I woke up to that hospital call in February, the past didn’t come roaring in like a flash flood in a summer-dry creek bed. My nervous system, my heart, n’ my memories never fully dried out because the addiction never took a pause, not for a moment. History dripped in like sepsis, until I woke up and the fever was past the point of breaking. A flash of her nodded out on a lawn chair in some stranger’s yard on my walk to school. A tiny memory, like a papercut, popping up as I stand in line at the grocery store - alone in a hotel lobby for hours, lost and forgotten, as she scored (and shot up) in one of the 300 rooms along the hallway. Men leaning down and talking to me, asking my age, I’m seven. When we finally drive home in the early morning, I grip the backseat upholstery, carsick, as she swerves towards and misses the median over and over again.
It’ll stick for a while, this disease of taking inventory, every morning, of what was lost.
May what was lost be returned, and what was surrendered stay gone. We have to learn the difference at some point.
Lost - Seventeen; visiting her in the hospital after she almost died from a blood infection, and turning my face to the window where the rain fell outside like we were in some fucked-up opioid-crisis soap-opera when she said “I miss you,” the day I vowed to never love anyone or let them love me again. How I knelt in the driveway nine years later, still tied up in my bakery apron covered in sorghum, saying “I miss you, I love you” into the phone to the social worker who was saying “I miss you” back to me on Mom’s behalf since she still couldn’t talk with the trach in.
Surrendered - How I wished for a decade she would die. I saw a family constellations therapist, once, who guessed this secret with only two sentences on my end about the whole homeless-addicted-psychotic-mama situation, and told me “I know you wish she would just die so this would be over, but even that is the same seeking of control as constantly giving your life up for her. If this is how she wants to die, step out of the way and let her die. And if she wants to live, let her find her own way. Give her that choice.”
Good people don’t give up on the ones they love. ― Barbara Kingsolver, Demon Copperhead
Lost - A woman thought she wanted me for a minute this year, a bodyworker from Israel, goodhearted. She taught me how to have an argument without cutting the relationship into pieces and throwing it in the other person’s face, how to speak to a lover like you love them. Only having known abuse is no excuse after a certain point. I was fed up with my communication style, too, and loved her for being patient with me. Loved her for being a person worth changing in a good way for. It didn’t work out for so many reasons. Still, she texted me yesterday about her dream where I spoke to her fluently in Hebrew, and this morning she told me, in Hebrew, that she loves me. I don't know which language to say it back in.
Surrendered - A few days before we broke up (the third time) we were driving down south together. She was going to drop me off at my mom’s old apartment. I had to get some of her things before it was repossessed and everything in it - furniture, books, TV, fridge, a whole little life - was taken to the dump by the property management company. It was either surrender the apartment, or get served with a lawsuit. At the hospital the day before, Mom wrote a list of the things she needed me to save for her - her dentures, hair dryer, favorite jeans, Tempurpedic pillows. She kept writing down different ideas of how to sell the furniture, but I knew it was too late to do anything about it, so I just nodded and said I would try my best. She gave me the keys to her car, which was now mine to take care of and hopefully sell.
Lost - I cried on the drive down, feeling deep guilt about not being able to sell the furniture, all of it given over to the assholes who owned the property. Wasted. And my lover said, sternly, “Look, when you make certain choices, there are consequences. You lose things, and you lose people.”
I was my mom’s only “people” left after everyone else had given up. It took a whole long while of being bitter to realize they didn’t give up on her so much as choose themselves. Just like Mom made choices and suffered losses, I had as well; choosing to take care of her, and mother her, instead of myself, had cost me my own ability to survive. It took away from the life I had created for myself, that I'd fought for with my teeth.
At the core of every addiction is an emptiness based in abject fear. The addict dreads and abhors the present moment; she bends feverishly only toward the next time, the moment when her brain, infused with her drug of choice, will briefly experience itself as liberated from the burden of the past and the fear of the future—the two elements that make the present intolerable. - Gabor Maté, In the Realm of Hungry Ghosts: Close Encounters with Addiction
I didn’t ask anybody for help, and I had refused help when it was offered; I didn’t want people I loved going in there. My lover dropped me off at the apartment and kept driving south. For a little while I just laid on the carpet of her apartment where she had spent the past two years in her psychosis and addiction and cried. The place looked like it had been ransacked, but I knew nobody had been in there but Mom - pill bottles and trash strewn across every surface, blood and a blackened spoon decorating the bathroom sink, every house plant dead and covered in tiny black flies. The floor was littered in pieces of tin foil with the patches of fentanyl in their centers, burnt into the shapes of listless spirits. There I was, in the realm of hungry ghosts, Gabor be damned.
I called one of my closest friends when I realized my lover wasn’t going to stick around and kept her on speakerphone as I opened every cabinet in the foul smelling kitchen, sorting through Mom’s medications, finding her dentures (silverware drawer) and birth certificate (under a pile of parking tickets by her Bible). One of the drawers in the kitchen was full of over a hundred little plastic baggies marked with dates in sharpie, filled with her poop; part of the psychosis was believing there was a gang of men out to get her who were putting tracking devices and nanoscopic robots inside of her body. If I ever tried convincing her that if she got clean they would stop torturing her, she flew into a rage. Eventually I stopped trying to convince her it wasn’t real and stopped being so sure of what was real in the first place.
I disassociated off and on, but my friend kept me centered, asking over the phone what I was grabbing next. I narrated my steps - taking trash bags of clothes down to Mom’s car, stripping the bed, looking through paperwork.
I drove her silver Toyota southbound through the Santa Ynez mountains, and stopped for fruit a man selling it freshly cut from a cart before the road wove up into Highway 154. I looked at the oak trees that always signify I'm home and smiled at them, wrote a little poem, ate my canteloupe and mango.
I lose and I lose and I lose and I still end up with more than I ever even dreamed to ask for.
The wonder is that you could start life with nothing, end with nothing, and lose so much in between…When your parent clocks out before you clock in, you can spend way too much of your life staring into that black hole.― Barbara Kingsolver, Demon Copperhead
In the rare sober spaces there was a mouthful of shame ready to aim at my sexuality, my hair, my partners, spitting on everything I knew I was, and everyone I held dear.
I finally got to talk to her last week, hear her voice when I’d thought her voice would be gone forever. She said “You cutting your hair short doesn’t mean you’re the boy in your lesbian thing, does it? Because I know that one is usually the girl, and, well…”
I asked her if it mattered and there was silence on the other line. I waited through five weeks of silence to hear her voice, and now I just wanted to hang up as soon as possible.
Not before she cried, asking “Will this whole thing affect our relationship?”
Knowing she meant the inventory of her body’s losses, I replied, “Of course not.”
“Even though I’ll be in a wheelchair wearing diapers, just a total loser who lost…lost everything?”
“We can still do everything we love together. Getting lunch, shopping, seeing movies. It’ll be different, but it’ll be okay. What really affected our relationship, Mom, was the addiction.”
She was surprised by that. She halfheartedly told me she wouldn’t use anymore and I could hear the falsity under her tongue like a Suboxone.
Before we ended the call, she laughed, saying “No matter what I do. I just keep waking up, for some reason, in this broken body, here in this broken life.”
Two nights ago, I dreamt I was painting a mural of an enormous blue sky covered in eagles, the slope of a woman’s body leaning down from above, cradling two of the birds as they crossed in the center of the wall.
I felt someone put their hand on my shoulder as they looked up at what I had painted. “She never really wanted to live, did she,” they whispered.
I woke up mid sentence and heard them finish it in the 5am darkness like they were still there beside me.
The day from there opened up like a canyon in a broken heart and I stepped into it with a hopeful soul and eyes all the way open the way nobody taught me how but me.
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