#also I have way more thoughts on Michael being very desperate for his father's approval

[hawkland]

(Mostly) Destiel Fic Recs #5

This is a LONG recs post because it’s been a while since I did an update and I fell hard into reading one author’s work (DeanRH). In fact I could easily do a rec post just of their fics alone, but for this round I’m just going to pick out a handful of my absolute favorites so far, the ones I’d recommend to start out with, along with more other authors’ works I’ve especially enjoyed lately.

Absolution at the Five-and-Dime by DeanRH (125k)  - this is perhaps THEE DeanRH fic to start with if you want a good, long read with a little bit of everything (Roadtrips! Intriguing casefic! Americana! Tasty Dean/Cas pining! Wing!kink and unique angel lore! Kinky soul fisting and tentacles!) It’s kind of two of parallel stories in one: the first, a flashback to Dean and Sam's first year hunting on their own (as well as trying to avoid hunting, and John in general); the second on how Dean and Cas finally get together during an unusual case and when Dean is able to really let go of his past trauma and accept himself/accept love from Cas. 

What I love about DeanRH’s work is that they write from the unique point of view of a drifter, so they understand living on the road, traveling place to place, and the highs and lows of that life like no others I’ve encountered in SPN before. (The author’s notes are often as much fun to read as the stories themselves). They also write a kickass angel!Cas and never lose sight of his non-human traits and background. Their writing style is unique - almost poetic in nature, and I know some readers have found it difficult to get into. But it works really well for me in their SPN fic...gives it the flavor of oral story telling as might actually happen at a drifter’s camp (with one story written exactly as such). Be warned this particular fic does play up the idea of John Winchester being mentally abusive and Dean having to turn tricks when he was younger in order to support him and Sam, so there is some dark stuff. But as someone who grew up with mentally abusive parent, reading this was extremely cathartic to me and believably written (unlike some stories that go too over the top with abusive John, or just don't understand how that kind of abuse leaves lifetime psychological scars.)

The rest of this round’s recs below the cut.

Carnevale by DeanRH (18k) - Actually the first fic by this author I read, because I just couldn’t resist a story set in my favorite place in the world, Venice, Italy. Castiel is the Angel of Venice, banished there for so long he does not even know or remember the reasons why. But Carnevale season is the one time a year he can let his wings out - figuratively and literally. And during this particular Carnevale season, he meets an intriguing masked young American tourist there with his brother and their one night stand turns into something far more powerful than either expected. This one’s hot, romantic, and achingly sad at the end as it all ties together unexpectedly with canon-verse...though with a hint for the future so it’s definitely not totally sad. I loved how DeanRH clearly understands Venice as a fellow lover of the city, the side of it most tourists never see unless they spend a long time there. This story made me cry just from wanting to be back in Venice again.

Ice cream was sweeter, food more satisfying, everything was an epicurean delight. There was just something magical about Venice, and he had lived here in the city for hundreds of years, so the shine should have worn off by now.

But it didn't, and there was always something more, something wonderful to discover around the next corner. The painted eaves of a church. The beauty of two women dancing with flowers in their teeth across the Piazza San Marco one day, overcome by the sheer joy of just being there. The way the university students still created Venetian masks, like Castiel's extravagant volto mask and Dean's humble servetta muta, with crafts that had been handed down across the generations. The morning silence that lay against the stones.

Hard Landing by DeanRH (26.9k) - A bit similar in theme to Carnevale. A pre-series Dean and Sam are sight-seeing in Spain when an angel, struck by a babel-spell, crash lands right in front of Dean. A strange yet seriously hot encounter with the angel turns into something much more complicated when the brothers return home and realize something more serious is afoot and they are both trapped in the middle of it. This is another story where things are very much not as they seem at first (as fun as that is!) It features master strategist Cas at his best, with a side helping of delightful trickery care of Gabriel and Balthazar as they deal with Lucifer, Michael...and a few others along the way.

The Sacred Band of Thebes by DeanRH (14.5k) - The last DeanRH fic I’m gonna allow myself to include in this round up, because it’s just very soft and sweet and beautiful - for a story about Dean & Cas being magically transported back in time to ancient Sparta! This is another story infused with a great knowledge of place and history, with some wonderfully delightful original characters added in that make it all the more enjoyable to read.

And now on to some other authors, I promise!

IPAMIS OL OLPRIT by emmbrancsxx0 (56k). A really wonderful fic that take a different look at what might have happened with a temporarily resurrected John Winchester during Season 14. Dean & Cas are in an established relationship here, and John here isn’t too happy about it — though mostly because he sees Cas (and Jack) as monsters, the kind of monsters he spent his lifetime hunting. This is a great fic for the emotional complexity of how John, Dean and Cas are all handled. John isn’t a cardboard evil dad, Dean is struggling between his loyalty to his father and to Cas, and Cas is increasingly bitchy/frustrated at Dean still being so desperate for his father’s approval (and all the more complex for not just being a quietly suffering perfect supporting boyfriend.) There’s some great action sequences in this too along with the emotional angst and a delicious dose of hurt!Cas if that’s your thing (as it is for me :D)

Abrenuntio by Neonbat (51k). A very dark but compelling AU take on the/a apocalypse universe. Dean, Sam and John are all alive in this post-angel war-apocalyptic world. They are part of a group of human survivors fighting against the angel army when they manage to capture “Blue” — a particularly feared angel of death. Dean is tasked with bringing Blue in for interrogation and he becomes a prisoner in their camp after John is killed. As mentioned, this is a pretty dark/sad fic (with some rather gruesome torture scenes) but I still found it quite compelling as a look at how things could have gone in some other parallel universe. And somehow the author manages to make the Dean/Cas relationship come together despite them starting out as complete enemies. This is one of those AUs that works for me because the core of the characters really shine through despite the differences in the setting.

if it all fell to pieces tomorrow by spocklee (37k) - a gorgeous post-Empty rescue fic that takes an approach I haven’t really seen explored in detail before (despite being something I’ve actually thought about as something that could’ve happened.) What if Cas has spent so long denying himself happiness, and then trapped in regrets and false-rescue scenarios created by the Empty, that he can’t trust that his rescue is real? And so he runs off to be on his own - literally stealing the Impala because he can’t handle being in Dean’s presence one moment longer - and only slowly comes to terms with the idea that it’s over now and he can be happy with/around his friends and family. This one’s both deliciously angsty and at times funny/sweet, looking at Cas’s relationships not just with Dean but with Sam, Jack, Claire, even Eileen. It does some fun stuff with other returned angels and demons who now find themselves back on Earth (and human), and...I just really enjoyed this one a lot.

Both Saved and Lost by angelfishofthelord (13.7k) Gen Cas character study, absolutely gorgeous and sad and one of those fic I couldn’t stop thinking about the day after reading it. AU where Apocaverse!Cas isn’t immediately killed by our Cas during 13x22 but instead hitches a ride back to the main ‘verse. Dean and Sam want to keep him alive for information on Michael; Cas is torn and trying to figure out just how similar—or different—they really are. Some great angel stuff here (I also highly recommend this author’s Jack & Cas “dadstiel” fics, they’re equally lovely and heartbreaking at the same time.)

flesh of the mighty by Mudprophet (2.7k) - THEE “What exactly did Dean eat in Purgatory, anyway?” fic you’ve probably already heard about. *cough* I’ve been trying to work up the courage to read this one for a while and finally gave in and OH MY CHUCK I’m so glad I did. It’s perversely disturbing and beautiful at the same time, Cas is wonderfully DERANGED and ALIEN in that way that I love it when fics managed to convey just how much angels are NOT human. Do heed the tags.

Full of Grace by ilovehowyouletmefall (11k) - Another one for the weird-as-fuck-angel!Cas lovers’ list. Heaven/canon-compliant fic where Dean knows he should feel happy and at peace but he just...isn’t, even with Cas and all of his friends and family there. He finally goes looking for Cas when he’s been absent for a time and, for the first time, gets to not just see but experience his true form. Another one that hits some kinks I knew I had and others I didn’t...until now. ( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)

don't ask me where i've been by saltwound / @1x06 (8k) - I can never resist a good 09x06 fiction gap fic! What makes this one really stand out is how well it captures Cas’s internal voice - his struggles adapting to human senses, limitations and emotions versus what/how he experienced things as an angel. The longing and feelings between Dean & Cas here are so achingly beautiful and I just wanted to cry when Cas says he misses hearing Dean’s prayers, so Dean, he...oh, I’m not going to spoil it. *happy sigh* Just read it.

this room is wrong by DarkHeartInTheSky (12k) - Sometimes I like torturing myself with some good 15x03 divorce arc angst and this fic hit that button just so. It’s an alternative take on where Cas might have ended up after leaving the bunker and features some great Cas & Sam friendship feels, when Sam sets out to try to bring Cas home. It’s all the stuff you’d wish the writers would’ve let them talk out in canon.

Well that’s more than enough for this round! Go forth, read and give some great writers some kudos & comment love!

#fic recs #my fic recs #destiel recs #destiel #deancas recs #my destiel recs

[thishazeleyeddemon]

one thing I like about Michael is how quiet he is.

he speaks softly, he never shows his wings, he doesn’t announce that he was furious enough to attack Castiel so by the time Castiel realized violence was happening Michael already had his hands on him...

...it lends him this sense of quiet power and self-assuredness that Lucifer lacks, that Alternate Michael lacks. it makes Michael seem older and more powerful and confident than the other archangels, than his alternate self.

it also...frankly, it makes what happened in 15x19 seem even more absurd. Michael shows no signs of desperately craving the approval of anyone, not even Adam. Lucifer honestly seems to be the one whose sense of self revolves around God, even willingly fulfilling his role as rebel partially because he was Mad God was paying attention to anyone else. Michael seems more to be the Knight Templar type - if he believes something to be right, he will do his best to fulfill that goal no matter what and I really do mean No Matter What. God told him that He knew best as the Creator and that his plan was the right way for the world to be - Michael, with no other viewpoints and no recourse, believed him.

I kind of wonder if it had maybe been a very long time since Michael had genuinely thought he had God’s love - maybe longer than he lets on. After all he says he’s God’s favorite, but God in S11 said it was Lucifer - ignoring the fact that you shouldn’t play favorites with your kids, do you think Michael kind of knew? He knew Lucifer got the love, the favor, the attention while he got the work, the service...I kinda wonder if it was like, Michael kind of knew he would never be loved by God, but it was okay because what they were doing was right, this was right, wouldn’t he know, this is the way the world’s supposed to be, and you can’t question it because you’re so ungrateful then, Michael, don’t you know you’re the prototype, the first draft, the one with flaws, you should be grateful that you even have a purpose at all...

...but at the same time, you’re alone, and you’re not smothered like Lucifer is, and maybe some part of you gets used to being alone, gets used to not wanting approval in the same way, because you know somewhere you’re never going to get it and you’ve known for so long. But it’s okay. You’re doing the right thing, really, this is what the world needs -

- and then you get casually tossed in a Cage and you learn that even though you’re the Firstborn of all creation, the world is so much bigger than you ever thought it was. You learn from your human friend what kindness is. You have someone who cares about what you think for once. You learn...you learn that the world is real, and everything has a consequence. You learn that there is more to the world, more to living than the plan (and how could this ever be wrong, you wonder? When he’s kind and warm and clever and so good-) You learn what it’s like to really be cared for, no, more than that, to be liked, for your company to be desired and not a burden. Even though you’re scared, though you don’t want to believe it (all those years, all those years a waste, what was I doing to the world, what have I done what have I done -) you learn that right and wrong aren’t things that change based on the whim of one person, no matter how powerful.

and then your father, he -

- he -

And then Adam is gone, like he never was, but you remember. You remember what you were told you remember what you have learned. He lied, he lies, he always lies, he made you as a toy, he threw away countless of your siblings just to watch two brothers kill each other, there was never a Plan, nor a paradise, nor any planned rest for you, there was never anything but your puppet’s role and the grave -

This was never right at all.

And you know, now. You know. You know your choices are gone. Death, or returning to an eternity of slavery, or, or, just maybe there’s something that can be done, even if you can’t save Adam you can save his world, you can save the future, you can do this for your friend, your firefly, your guiding light. You will not forget. You will not give in. If you die, you die on your feet.

Your father built you for passion, for loyalty, for the desire to do what was right, for determination that could tear mountains into sand.

Time to show him how well you learned.

#Michael supernatural #Michael spn #spn #supernatural #spn meta #why I think 15x19 was so dumb lmaoooo #this got very rambly and turned into character analysis #i hope it makes sense #moth talks

[tanoraqui]

[previous]

so there’s fog, you know, soft and empty fog, except that sometimes there are people in it. There are songs, soft and sweet, except the song about the woman named Janet isn’t allowed at all - the song- the song his...the song for which He beats him, when he sings, beats him and beats him until he can’t taste anything but blood, and he swallows it and sings louder for spite - and feels terrible immediately, for disrespecting Him so terribly. 

Acacia comes for him, dresses him and scares off his attendants, and he remember...Wei Wuxian remembers a little...

“Your daughter’s dead,” he says abruptly, as they pretend to have every right to walk the corridors. “Your lost Rhodia - but she had a son.”

“What?” says Acacia, hungry.

“He’s a bit of a brat,” Wei Wuxian says, in the contemplative way of someone still partly asleep. “But only because he’s loved and well-cared for, and knows it. Also because he’s a brat. He sent me here.”

Acacia pulls him along a little faster

But they don’t make it. Blind Michael’s more clever, more cruel lieutenants interrupt them, and Blind Michael himself, and Wei Wuxian is dressed for a Ride and a wedding, and Blind Michael becomes a god in his eyes, through his eyes - and they Ride

oh, how they Ride.

With a thousand eyes and none his own, Wei Wuxian sees it: through the cold-capped mountains they Ride, horse-hides steaming in the clouds. Through the sea-wide lakes they Ride, over and under. Through the stony hills they Ride, and all the beasts scatter in their wake. Through the golden streets they Ride, and human and faerie alike cower.

until the Hunt reaches a lightly flooded crossroads, and with a thousand eyes and none, Wei Wuxian watches a woman form from the water. She’s dressed like a pirate and stands like a queen; her skin is darkly scaled and her teeth are as sharp as a shark’s. 

“With the holy water in her hand,” she shouts with a captain’s voice, “she cast the compass round. At twelve o'clock the fairy court, came riding o'er the mound.” And, “Michael, this is ending.”

[NB: our lyrics for this evening are “Tam Lin” by Steeleye Span, my favorite version of the song/poem]

Hands pull Wei Wuxian down from his horse in the confusion, drag him forward and pin him in a vicious headlock just above water just deep enough to drown. He struggles to return to his lord and he goes limp and hopes the familiar arms will flip him over, into the water facefirst

He can’t quite see who’s holding him; the Huntfold gaze he’s part of is still focused on Blind Michael and his half-sister

“Get out of my way, daughter of Titania,” he sneers, and probably several other things. “You have no right to be here, tonight.”

“Oh, am I the one being a selfish, manipulative egomaniac?” Amphitrite calls back. “But fine.” She stamps her foot as a child in temper, a woman drawing a line in the sand, and the air reeks of ocean and fresh kills, deep currents ripple in the flooded intersection. She points toward the held figure near her feet. “That’s my descendent you’ve got there, by birth if not by blood, and I want him back. He was under my protection when you took him, and he owes me a debt.”

several other Riders have been pulled down, too, now struggling and limp in the hands of unseen strangers

“You have no right!” Blind Michael snarls again (only a child in temper)

“Friends and family and companions of blood always have a right.” Amphitrite warns one last time, “You can still walk away, Michael. I don’t really want you to - I’m not Annie. But I’ll let you.”

“Who would come for him?” Blind Michael demands.

“Lan Wangji, heir to the Duchy of Cloud Recesses,” a voice says from above him, as cool as though it was rude of Blind Michael to ask. “My claim precedes yours.”

“Wen Qing.” “Wen Ning.” They speak almost at the same time, Wen Qing somehow sounding exasperated through her steely determination, and Wen Ning only, rarely, confident in his. “He’s our idiot.” “He’s our friend.”

“Luo Qingyang, formerly of the Court of Golden Sun,” says the one holding down his legs, and for the first time, Wei Wuxian scrambles completely organically to remember. Wait, that’s not- Mianmian? “Wei Wuxian saved my life, and those of many I love, and I don’t see why that debt should go unpaid.”

“Jiang Yanli,” declares the one with a firm arm around his neck, “Princess-consort of the Kingdom of Golden Sun and heir to the Duchy of Lotus Lakes. I’m bringing my didi home.” 

She speaks with such furious intent that he almost expects to see Madam Yu when he looks up, a thousand eyes fading to just his own. But it’s his shijie who smiles down at him, and tightens her headlock (Madam Yu would approve)

Blind Michael raises his hand and change hurts (change always hurts) but Wei Wuxian was made for it. He is sleek and long and made of nothing but muscle - and fang and poison, and desperation to escape the grip that suddenly slips on his neck. He is nothing but neck. He slides and twists and swipes his tail, and the grip tightens around his middle with a startled gasp. He twists and rears and lunges and bites, sinks venom into blood and the grip goes slack - 

- and the best Daoine Sidhe blood-healer in a generation, in several generations, slaps Jiang Yanli’s back and grimaces, and Jiang Yanli grits her teeth and tightens her hold and above and before them, Amphitrite chants, “They've shaped him in her arms, into an roaring snake. She's held him fast and feared him not, to be her lovely mate.”

Another change. Wei Wuxian is a beast of dark fur and gnashing teeth, slashing claws and sharp as a sword and twice as savage. He is the wildness of the Hunt itself. He swipes at his captor - he cannot be contained, he will not be contained - and strikes her across the cheek; he writhes and snarls and - 

- a pale hand shoves a sachet into his face; a glimpse of ice-blue eyes and a strong hand shoves his head down into it, his nose, and orders, “Calm.” He inhales to snarl and strike again and breathes in pure, alchemically enhanced catnip and...it’s kind of like being hit with a truck, if the truck was dreamy serenity but also raw LSD. He wants to escape the arms now locking more firmly around his neck, but he also wants to nuzzle up into Lan Zhan’s hand now scratching his head, and also never take his head out of this really amazing-smelling bag...

“They've shaped him in her arms, to a wood black beast so wild. She's held him fast and feared him not, the father of her child!“

A third. Wei Wuxian is heat, is pain, is light, screaming, ecstasy, agony, destruction, life, fire. (“They've shaped him in her arms again, fire burning bold!”) He isn’t sure he even wants to go back to Blind Michael, but he can’t stop burning. (“She's held him fast and feared him not, till he was iron cold!”) Jiang Yanli cries out and Wen Ning grabs her arms to keep them steady, gasping in pain himself, and Luo Qingyang drags all three of them down into the water, which does very little but -  

“ - They've shaped him in her arms at last, into a naked man,” Amphitrite calls at the last. “She's wrapped him in the green mantle, and knew that she had him won.” And at last it is true: Wei Wuxian sags, exhausted and bruised and not a little blood, his own and his sister’s and his friends’.

He licks his lips absentmindedly, and realizes he’s naked when Lan Wangji looks away with a stiff expression. Luo Qingyang rolls her eyes and pulls a spare robe out of somewhere and throws it over him, and it catches Jiang Yanli as well, because she does wait to hold him closer and cry-laugh against his shoulder. “A-Xian! Are you okay? We were so worried! You’re not to do that again, do you hear me?”

“Ah, shijie,” Wei Wuxian gives a laughs right back, only a little fake. “I’m always okay! And you - ” He’s about to say something about how magnificent she was, but a dash of his memory catches up and he actually does pull away from her a little just enough to look in her face with horror. “Wait, Princess-consort - no! Shijie, you didn’t marry the peacock?!”

(while around them other families reunite, and a few weep - not all held tight enough. while Blind Michael shouts and whines his protest and Amphitrite invites him to fight or fuck off)

Jiang Yanli smiles tearfully. “I wanted to wait for you, we all did, but...” Her shrug encompasses everything from true love to royal politics. But her smile both widens and softens as her hand runs over her stomach. “I’m even pregnant already.”

Wei Wuxian almost smiles, before he sits up with a horrified start. “No - Janet’s first baby didn’t - Wen Qing! Wen Qing, is the baby okay?!”

His panic is infectious; Jiang Yanli’s eyes widen and Wen Qing drops to her knees and presses her hands to Jiang Yanli’s side, swipes a drop of blood from her cheek and tastes it, and all stop until she says, “The baby’s fine. You should rest, though. Both of you. All of us.”

Blind Michael and his Hunt turn away in shame, ride away in defeat...all but one. Acacia lingers, golden.

Two figures wade carefully through Amphitrite’s flooded crossroads to greet her, one head black and the other dark, dark red. 

“Grandmother,” says Nie Huaisang, part curiosity and part awe. 

Acadia reaches out without a thought. Her hand stops in the air above Amphitrite’s lapping waves (which wouldn’t last for much longer, not on land, but for now still fought back the touch of Blind Michael’s realm). 

She smiles sadly as her hand drops. “You do look like her. I don’t suppose you’d like to come home with me?”

Nie Huaisang bites his lip with the longing of a faerie meeting (one of) his Firstborn for the first time. But he says decisively, “No thank you. It seems kind of terrible.” He hesitates. “Would you...like to come home with me?”

Acacia doesn’t laugh, though her smile twists like she might have, once. “Would you pull me through into my sisters waters yourself, child? Would you hold me tight and fear me not, and set me free?”

“If Huaisang cannot, I’d be happy to, Lady,” says Nie Mingjue, every maiden’s picture of a strapping young knight and duke. “My brother’s family is mine, by definition, and Lady Rhodia is much-loved by all of Butcher’s Hill, whether or not she still dances with us.”

“I’m glad,” she tells him, after a pause the length of a flower petal’s breadth, and turns her gaze back to Nie Huaisang. “But, no. Live well, grandson. If you ever take your bloody hero’s Choice - ” her gaze flicks over his shoulder to Wei Wuxian, and back - “I hope you choose your mother. You have her wits as well as her face.” 

And she turns and rides away without another word.

And for a brief while, it’s over.

TBC

#mdzs #the untamed #october daye #my fic #flash forward 15 years to jin ling who's a perfectly normal daoine sidhe-merrow halfblood thank you very much #except that okay he CAN slide from one end of the spectrum to the other at will #like it hurts like hell but he can do it #can't change anyone else but can do himself #all hallow's eve ride change magic man. it messes up the in utero

[erin-bo-berin]

Faith (Part 2)

If you haven’t read part 1, called Hope, you can read it here

The final part to Hope is here! This is insanely long, the longest I’ve written yet. Not gonna lie I’m really glad I split it into two parts because all together it would’ve been nearly 13k words. Anyway, in this part you’re gonna get some Spencer POV, daddy Spencer (I might have gotten carried away with the cuteness, I apologize in advance) and some smut. Also I might’ve gotten carried away with that part as well, you’ve been warned. Quick fun fact: The Lonesome Bunny was an actual story I wrote in 5th grade that won in a competition. You’ll see that I’m referring to later on in the fic. Enjoy!

Spencer Reid/Reader

Word Count: 8,407

Rated: M (Smut)

So much can happen in a week. 

Emily had gotten Spencer a great lawyer; one who happened to be a friend of hers. She reassured you that he was in good hands. Even that reassurance did nothing for the constant state of anxiety that twisted your stomach.

The next step was going to be his hearing. Rossi was already ready to post his bail and get him out of jail while he waited for his trial. The whole team had a moment to breathe, thinking that this next step would be a break in luck.

None of them saw what was coming. You, most of all.

After the shocking result of Spencer’s bail being denied, everyone had to face the fact that he was going to be sitting in a prison cell while awaiting trial. Emily and the rest of the team promised to work their hardest to get him out of there. You believed them, of course you did. But no one prepared you for how it would affect not only you, but your daughter as well.

“Daddy bye bye?” 

You ran a hand over her hair, trying to smooth the loose curls before kissing her head.

“Daddy will be back soon.”

You weren’t sure if you were saying the words to comfort Abbie or yourself. Her wails and cries still rang in your ears, the haunting sound breaking your heart a little more each time you remembered them. She was too young to understand what was going on, but it was clear she knew something was wrong. You knew she could sense your stress, your despair.

She laid her head on your shoulder, eyes growing heavy. JJ had just gotten back from taking the boys and Abbie to see Diana. You passed on this initial trip, afraid your emotional state might upset her since she hadn’t any idea what had happened. Even though Diana didn’t understand what was going on in her own ways, you were glad the kids were able to lift her spirits.

Abbie whimpered, fighting sleep, rubbing her fists into her eyes.

“Hey, why don’t I take her and give you a little break?” Penelope said, reaching out to take her. 

“Besides I always love some auntie Penelope time,” she grins, rubbing your shoulder, concern showing on her face. “We’re going to get him out of there okay?”

You nod, giving a small smile. She’d given you a visiting schedule she’d made, listing the order of her, you and the team could visit him. You were up second after her because since she’d made the chart, she got to go first—her words. It gave you a small comfort to know you’d be able to see him soon.

•

“What do you mean I’m not on the approved visitor list?!” you exclaimed.

“Spencer made his list of visitors…” Emily trailed off, “And you weren’t on it.”

“Why the fuck not?”

“I don’t know, Y/N,” she said, clearly feeling as helpless as you currently felt.

“So what does he want me to do? Sit at home, take care of Abbie and twiddle my thumbs?!”

You knew this entire situation was crazy. Spencer was going through a lot, the team was going through a lot, but yet your anger came. The only reason it came was to mask the hurt you felt. It was like a punch to the gut when you realized he didn’t even want to see you. With no reason or explanation why. You could get past the personal hurt even if he just wanted you to visit to talk about Abbie. After all, you were only his co-parent. 

“I wish I knew what to tell you, Y/N. I can’t begin to imagine what’s going through his head right now.”

“I know, I know.” You rubbed your temples, the beginnings of a headache starting to pound behind your eyes.

“I just wish I could do something. At least you guys are able to work on his case to help and free him. I can’t even do that.”

You swallow, tears once again blurring your vision. You’d tried so hard not to cry in front of Abbie but now it was beginning to catch up to you.

“You’re doing something very important, Y/N.” Emily wrapped her arms around you and hugged you tight.

“Yeah? What’s that?” you mumbled into her shoulder.

She pulls away from you, holding you at arms length with her hands on your shoulders.

“Taking care of that little girl.” She points in the direction of her office window. You look out into the bullpen and Henry sitting at his mom’s desk with Abbie in his lap, both of them coloring.

“You’re taking the absolute best care of her until we can get Spencer out. I know it puts him at ease to know she isn’t alone.”

“How is he?” you asked, knowing she’d been to see him recently.

“Alright for now, he’s gotten some sleep. He was mainly concerned about Abbie and his mom. He didn’t say it, but I could tell her reaction just about broke him.”

“JJ said she cried herself to sleep,” you sighed, wanting nothing more than to scoop your baby up and hold her, to protect her.

“How’s she doing now?”

“Okay, I suppose. She’s been really fussy and clingy ever since it happened, I’m surprised she’s gone to anyone here so well. At home, she won’t even let me out of her sight. She keeps asking about daddy, too.”

“She’s a tough girl. She gets that after both of you.” 

“I wish I felt as strong as you think I am.”

“MA MA!” You heard an excited shriek, all the way from the office.

“Yeah, she’s definitely Reid’s kid,” Emily commented.

You shake your head, exasperated, walking out of the office to head down to the bullpen.

“What baby?” you called, descending down the steps.

She’d gotten down from Henry’s lap and was toddling in your direction, a piece of paper in one hand, a crayon gripped in her other. 

“Ook!” She held out the paper in your direction and you took it, picking her up in the process.

“It’s beautiful, baby girl,” you smile, looking at the scribbles on the page.

“We’re making pictures for Uncle Spencer,” Henry said, looking up from his own picture.

“I told the kids that they could draw pictures and I’d take them to show him when I go to visit him,” JJ said, “I remember you said that she loves to color and I thought I could take hers as well.”

You smiled, “He’ll like that.”

Looking around at all the lengths his team was going to, to help him made you realize just how much of a family the group was. You could feel their love for him, their determination to work their asses off to free him.

Suddenly, it felt like things might actually turn out okay.

•

38 days.

He’d been keeping track of the days with notches in the wall.

He’d been in prison for 38 days. 

In that time Spencer had been jumped by a group of prisoners wanting to attack him since he was fresh meat. He was moved to a private cell. There he encountered even more problems. He was pressured to help move drugs within the prison which he time and time again refused to do. He befriended another prisoner in hopes of keeping him from being attacked only that effort resulted in him being beaten up instead.

The days were long and stretched out. He could feel his sanity slipping a bit more every day. Prison really was a place of desperation. The unthinkable happened inside these four walls. 

He missed the team so much. He missed his mom. He missed his little girl. He missed Y/N.

The last time Emily had been to visit him she’d told him only what he expected; Y/N was bewildered, hurt and angry at his decision. He hadn’t said much on the topic. He did what he had to do.

Today’s visitor was JJ. He hadn’t seen her for a few weeks. Apparently there was a whole schedule for visiting him. He was so happy to finally see a familiar face again. It had seemed like weeks since he’d seen any of his friends when in reality—by his makeshift calendar—it had only been 6 days.

“Hey, how are you?” JJ asked, concern brightening her eyes.

“Okay, I guess. Just trying to survive here,” Spencer said.

Her brows furrowed and he knew what was coming next.

“You’re hurt. What happened?”

“It’s nothing, I’m fine. Why aren’t you working on a case?”

“Actually I stayed behind so I could visit you,��� she answered. 

“You shouldn’t have. You should’ve gone.”

“No. I should be here. You’re not alone in this Spence.”

He nodded, watching her through the glass that separated the two of them as she reached into her pocket and pulled out a few papers.

“Henry drew this for you. See that’s you and that’s him. It’s from that day we went to the park.”

“Tell him it’s beautiful,” he could hear his own voice cracking, “Tell him I love it.”

JJ smiled, folding it again.

“I will.”

She opened another picture, showing scribbles, a heart and what appeared to be stick figures.

“Michael drew this one. He said he thought you needed lots of love while you were away on vacation and that he misses you.”

That brought a slight smile to his face. His youngest godson had quite the imagination and at only 3 had thought up that Spencer was away on vacation. His heart ached with how much he missed them. He watched JJ once again reach for another piece of paper.

“Another drawing?” He laughed dryly.

“I thought you might like to see this one too,” she said softly, “Abbie did this one for you.”

There was nothing but colorful scribbles on the page, the complete normal for an 18-month-old. But this was different because it was made by HIS 18-month-old. His little girl.

Of course he believed in his team that they’d get him out of here and catch Mr. Scratch—the asshole that put him here—but it was truly his baby girl that helped him go on. Abbie gave him faith. He had to have faith that he would get out of here and not give up. If he gave up, she might grow up without a father and he knew from firsthand experience that was the last thing he wanted for his child. 

“She’s very artistic.” He tried to laugh, but it came out more of a dry, raspy sound.

“That she is,” JJ smiled.

“How is she?” Spencer whispered.

“Abbie? Or Y/N.”

“You know I mean Abbie.”

“Spence...why don’t you just reconsider your decision. Please?”

“Absolutely not.”

“Why not? She’s worried about you. She wants to see you too.”

“Jennifer. I don’t want to talk about this.”

“But Spen-”

“I said I don’t want to talk about it okay?” he snapped.

Her words died mid-sentence and she went quiet.

“I’m sorry JJ,” he ran his hands through his hair, then rubbed his eyes, “I didn’t mean to snap at you.”

“Have you been sleeping?” JJ’s concerned tone reappeared again. 

“Not much.”

“I’m worried about you. We all are. I know this hasn’t been easy on you at all.”

“I can’t even explain it fully, JJ. There’s a sort of helplessness in here that causes people to do things they normally wouldn’t do.”

She seemed to be a loss of words. He didn’t say it to scare her or cause her worry, it was just the truth.

The alarm sounded, signaling that visitation time was up.

“Spencer.”

He looked back at her as he stood to leave.

“Please be careful okay? Keep your head down, don’t attract any unwanted attention.”

He nodded in response. 

The hand of a security guard grabbed his arm, escorting him back to his cell. Every step took him back towards his own personal hell and away from the life he once so naively took advantage of.

•

Things didn't turn out okay. Bad news suddenly became the soup du jour.

Every time Emily or JJ, Rossi or Garcia gave you an update your outlook just became bleaker and bleaker. It was affecting everything in your life. 

You’d cut the number of the interior jobs you normally did in half, not having the motivation nor the time to complete them. Soon you ended up taking a leave of absence. Fortunately, with the past financial aid of Spencer, you could afford to leave work. Your mood was affecting Abbie more and more, her often crying and wanting her daddy. Most days you felt like crying along with her.

You hated being in the dark. Technically you did get updates about what was happening, but you hadn’t seen him in 3 months. That night at the BAU when he was brought home had been the last time you’d been in his presence. Your anger at him for refusing to see you had faded leaving you feeling drained. You could only imagine how the team felt when they were the one trying their hardest to find Mr. Scratch.

In the last month, Spencer had witnessed his friend die, potentially poisoned and killed some drug dealers—you didn’t ask for specifics on that one—been beaten up pretty badly and stabbed himself to get into protective custody. You had no idea how the hell he’d survived all of this, but he had.

Many of your days were spent at the BAU now. When the group wasn’t off working on other cases they were required to give their attention to, you were at Quantico. How different it was spending so much time in the unit in comparison to 3 years ago. Then, you couldn’t stay long enough. Now, all you wanted was to be anywhere else.

You were seated on the couch in Emily’s office, attempting to keep Abbie preoccupied with a few toys. That was about all you could do now was to keep her attention elsewhere before she became irreconcilable once again. 

You were making her favorite bunny plushie kiss her repeatedly causing her to giggle when the door busted open and in ran Penelope.

“Y/N, Y/N! We got him!”

You were so startled by the sudden entrance that you didn’t understand what she was talking about.

“Who?”

“Mr. Scratch. He’s been caught and he confessed to everything. Framing Reid and all of it. Me and JJ are heading to the prison to get him. You’re coming with. Not a question, an order.”

You nod, dazed at the amount of information slung at you and picked up Abbie and her bunny, following behind the tech as fast as you could.

Twenty minutes later, you were waiting outside the prison with Garcia while JJ went to take care of all the legal proceedings that came with freeing Spencer.

You were just picking up Abbie’s bunny that she had purposely dropped on the ground when Garcia spoke.

“Hey, Abbie.”

She turned towards Garcia’s voice.

“Look over there sweet girl. Look who it is,” she pointed ahead.

Abbie looked over just in time to see JJ and Spencer coming out of the front doors. The moment she saw him, she was in action, trying to squirm out of your arms. 

You set her down and she went running as fast as her little legs could in his direction, her bunny still in her hand.

“DADDY, DADDY, DADDY!” She shrieked as she ran.

He scooped her up in one swift movement, hugging her close.

“I’ve missed my Abbie-bear.” 

He tapped her nose making her scrunch it in response. 

“How’s my baby girl?” he asked, pushing her hair back from her forehead and kissing her head.

She babbled in response, holding out her bunny to him, clearly happy to be in his arms again. He kissed the bunny’s nose, then Abbie’s. He did it again only this time playfully attacked her with kisses, making her squeal and giggle.

“Hey, you.” Penelope had gone over to hug him tight while you and JJ stood back.

“You know I always knew he would be a great father, but seeing it in action is even more heartwarming. He’s so great with her,” she said.

“He is,” you agreed.

“He cares about her a lot you know. But not only her.” 

JJ gave you a sidelong glance before going to join them, leaving you to puzzle out what her cryptic comment could mean.

•

The aftermath was hectic when you returned to the Bureau. With everyone hugging Spencer and talking to him about the details of Scratch’s capture, you naturally just fell towards the back of the flurry of activity. You noticed the entire time he didn’t let go of Abbie even though she was now sound asleep on his shoulder, her bunny positioned underneath one of her arms and his chest.

You thought you’d heard Rossi say he was going to get some champagne when Spencer finally approached you. Things had never been awkward for the two of you, but they sure felt it now.

“Hey.” 

He leaned against the desktop next to where you sat.

“Hey.”

“She’s out cold,” he motioned to Abbie with his head.

“I noticed. She missed her nap today and has been fighting sleep.”

“Poor thing.” He rubbed her back and she stirred slightly, repositioning herself before going back to sleep.

“So, I was actually wondering,” he began, “Would it be okay if I spent some time with her? I’ve just missed her so much. I feel like she’s gotten so big since I last saw her.”

“Sure. That’s fine. I can get you her diaper bag and some things if you want to keep her for the weekend.”

“Actually I meant like the three of us together. If you want to come to my place or...I just mean I feel like we have some things we need to talk about.”

“Well most of her things are at my place,” you said, purposely ignoring the last part of his comment, “So I guess that would be easier and you can spend as much time as you want with her. You know you’re always welcome to.”

“I’m not sure when or if I’ll be able to come back,” he said quietly, “A lot has happened.”

“Yeah. A lot has.”

You could feel the weight of the last months weighing heavily not just on him, but on you two. Things had worked so smoothly between you both up until this point that you couldn’t help but wonder if this would be too much strain. Some things you just can’t come back from.

Emily noticed the last time she’d visited, just how much prison had changed him. He was suffering from bad PTSS—post-traumatic stress syndrome. He was having nightmares, not sleeping, constantly battling the demons of what he’d had to face in those short months. Emily never said as much, but you knew how close he’d come to death by the hands of the inmates.

Everyone was mentally and emotionally exhausted. They’d all been granted six weeks off work to rest, Spencer especially. He’d have to see a therapist as well and retest before he could even be considered for reinstatement.

“Emily thought it would be best if I wasn’t alone for now.”

“That’d be wise,” you agreed.

 “She suggested I stay with you…” he trailed off nervously.

You were caught off guard and found yourself staring at him, most likely resembling a deer in headlights.

“I mean she just thought being around Abbie would help me a lot and you...”

You had no idea what he was going to say and unfortunately, he didn’t finish his sentence. You couldn’t possibly turn him away at a time like this, even if you desperately didn’t want to have to deal with your complicated feelings about him.

“Uh yeah. That’s fine. She’ll love having you around more.”

The two of you had never shared a living space for more than one night. There was no telling what the next six weeks would bring.

•

The first month was rough. Not only for him but for you as well.

Spencer would often wake in the middle of the night screaming from nightmares, resulting in waking Abbie. He felt so bad about it he’d often force you to go back to bed and sit up with Abbie until she fell asleep again.

One night, you’d been on the way back from the bathroom when you heard the soft rise and fall of his voice. Peeking into the nursery, you saw Spencer in the rocking chair with Abbie in his lap, a book opened in front of them.

When he turned the page, you caught a glimpse of the cover: The Lonesome Bunny, one of Abbie’s favorite books.

“The little bunny was so sad before,” Spencer frowned, pointing to a picture on the page.

Abbie cooed in response, looking up at him as he read.

“But now he was happy, knowing he was loved by all his friends. The end.”

Spencer closed the book and Abbie immediately reached forward and opened it again.

“No.”

“You want me to read it again?” Spencer asked, chuckling when she nodded.

“Princess, I’ve read it to you twice already.”

“No.” Her hands tried to turn the pages back to the beginning.

“Oh, alright. Once more and then it’s time to go back to sleep okay?” He kissed her cheek then turned back to the first page.

“There once was a little bunny, a lonesome little bunny.”

You smiled at the memory, staring up at the ceiling of your bedroom as you lay in bed, procrastinating getting up to start your day. It was a luxury you weren’t used to. Having Spencer around had been great because the help with Abbie was nice. He seemed to be getting better too. He still suffered from his demons and the nightmares still happened but not nightly like they once did.

It now had been 5 months since he was released. Things were seeming to finally get better. Spencer was reinstated—with a rule that every 100 days he worked in the field, he had to take 30 days off. He was initially disappointed at the decision, feeling like it wasn’t a full reinstatement. Emily reassured him it was for him to recharge mentally and physically and most importantly to spend time with his family. Now, he’d taken it in stride and loved the extra daddy-daughter time; Abbie was happy as she could be. The only thing that hadn’t changed in the least bit was the tension in your relationship with Spencer.

You got along alright, you just never talked about what had happened. Prison or his downright objection to seeing you was never spoken of. Of cours,e you were there to help him through his trauma, but you avoided any and every conversation having to do with the two of you. If it had to do with Abbie or any other subject, you could talk to him for hours. You just didn’t have the energy to unravel your feelings, nor get his no relationship wanted reply.

Yesterday was the beginning of his first 30 day stint of time off. Spencer being Spencer, he treated you and Abbie to a day at the zoo, anxious to teach her all about the animals. 

“Just wait until she’s old enough to really understand and retain what she’s learning. She’s going to have a vast knowledge of things just because of you,” you’d said, smiling while he helped Abbie feed a giraffe.

He turned towards you, squinting against the sun and smiled big.

“I want only the best for my little girl,” he had responded.

His smile was as bright as the sun, his eyes glinting from the happiness he obviously felt. A light breeze floated through the air, rustling the waves and curls of his hair ever so slightly. Your heart fluttered and it was at that moment you knew you could no longer deny the fact that you were in love with him.

Emily had been telling you the same thing for months, telling you that you had to admit it sooner or later because the moment of truth would hit you eventually. The moment of truth had finally come.

You were in love with the Halloween loving, chopstick hating, kickass profiler, amazing father, 187 IQ’d pretty boy that was Spencer Reid; and you were finally ready to tell him.

•

You glanced at the clock and were surprised to see it was already 9:30. You hadn’t stayed in bed that long since before Abbie had been born.

Noises from the kitchen pulled you out of your bed. You padded down the hallway, smiling when you heard Abbie’s babbling.

“What’s going on?” you asked.

You walk into the kitchen and see Spencer at the stove, Abbie’s high chair pulled up to the cabinet near him.

“Wel,l Abbie-bear here wanted to help daddy fix breakfast. Isn’t that right sweetheart?” 

You look over and see your child sitting in her high chair with chocolate smeared all over her face and hands, grinning big.

“Technically she was supposed to be adding the chocolate chips to the pancake batter, but she decided to eat the handful instead,” he chuckled.

“It’s the thought that counts right?” you laughed, grabbing a baby wipe from the pack on the counter.

You clean her face and hands as best as you can with her trying to squirm away from the wet cloth. 

“You’re silly aren’t you?” you smile, handing her a fresh cup of juice.

“No,” she giggled in response.

“You didn’t have to make breakfast Spencer.”

He shrugged.

“I wanted to. I figure since I kinda live here at the moment I can at least help you out.” 

He added another finished pancake to the growing plate of pancakes then poured the last remaining pancake batter to make a tiny one.

“This one is especially for you Abbie because it’s just your size, see?” 

He stepped aside, letting her see the small pancake on the griddle. She smiled around the spout of her sippy cup as she drank her apple juice.

“Thank you for making breakfast.” 

You stood on your tiptoes and quickly kissed his cheek, a simple act of gratitude. At least you hoped that’s what it conveyed. You’d turned to grab a mug for some coffee and when you faced him again you saw he was staring at you.

“What?” you asked, suddenly self-conscious that you were in ratty old pajamas and your hair probably standing up in numerous directions.

The spell seemed to be broken when you spoke. He scrunched his nose in the cute little way he always did, turning back to the stove.

“Nothing, nothing.”

Ten minutes later the three of you were at the table pigging out on pancakes. You tore Abbie’s pancake into smaller pieces and she was currently grabbing them with both hands, managing to get more on her than actually in her.

“Did you always want kids?” Spencer asked, watching you hand her a small piece of your bacon.

“That’s a random question,” you chuckled, picking up your fork again.

He shrugged a shoulder.

“Just curious.”

“Yeah, I always knew I wanted kids one day,” you answered.

“But not at 24, right?”

You winced, thinking of how in shock you were when you found out you were pregnant. You were 23 almost 24 when you’d initially met Spencer. He’d been 34 even though he easily passed for your age. You really understood what it meant that age didn’t matter. He was nearly 11 years older than you, but a majority of the time you didn’t even remember. 

“I mean I don’t blame you. When I was 24, I was only in my second year of working at the BAU. Kids were absolutely the last thing on my mind,” he said.

“It’s not that. I was just scared knowing that from that point on I was responsible for this tiny, fragile little human that would depend on me for the rest of my life. It was even scarier to think just how much she needed me, even during pregnancy. But I wouldn’t change having her for anything. She’s the best thing that’s ever happened to me.”

“She definitely is amazing, isn’t she?”

Abbie reached out towards him, a piece of pancake in her fingers.

“Daddy.”

He leaned towards her and took the bite in his mouth in which she smiled happily.

“Thank you baby girl.”

She started fussing, reaching for him, wanting out of her high chair.

“What about you? Did you never want kids or something?”

He lifted the tray off and unfastened her from the chair, taking her in his lap.

“I didn’t say that,” he said matter of factly, but not in a mean tone, “I just said at 24 I wasn’t thinking about kids.”

“Okay, so what changed your mind then?” You took another bite of pancake and chewed, waiting for his answer.

“I don’t know. It was different things. Encountering kids at work, being the godfather to Michael and Henry. I always loved kids. I just didn’t think it was going to happen for me because work kept me so busy. Then one day I realized I’m 36 and I don’t know if I’ll ever have kids. Then this little munchkin came about unexpectedly,” he said, tickling her tummy.

“I never knew if it would be a reality for me, but I’ve imagined having a big family before. Big house, lots of kids and toys everywhere, it just seemed nice and completely different from my childhood. I mean it was just me and my parents. Then my dad left and it was my mom and me. I just figured maybe having a big family of my own would fill that loneliness I felt as a kid, you know?”

“That’s sweet,” you smiled, “I understand what you’re saying. Who knows though? Maybe you still will. How many kids are there in your imagined future?”

“Uh, I don’t know. Maybe 5 or 6.”

You almost choked on your coffee.

“You poor future wife,” you sputtered.

“I don’t know, I have a feeling she’ll be the type to be cut out for half a dozen kids.”

There’s a small smile on his lips as he feeds another piece to an open-mouthed Abbie. He doesn’t look up to catch your questioning look though.

“These pancakes are amazing by the way.” 

You’d just finished up your third and Abbie was still shoveling hers in.

“I think she agrees.”

“Well thank you,” he grinned.

Spencer hands Abbie to you and you take her, cleaning her face.

“What’s on today’s agenda?” you ask, pulling her hands away from the coffee mug she was trying to grab.

“Actually, JJ is taking Abbie today.”

“What? Why?”

“Well, the boys have missed her and have been begging to see her again. I also think it’s time to finally talk about what we’ve been tiptoeing around for months, Y/N.”

You felt yourself stiffen. Sure, you may have just decided the day before that you wanted to finally confess your feelings to him, but you didn’t want to have to deal with all the other things. Unfortunately for you, it went hand in hand and you knew he was right.

“Y/N, please. I know you’re still upset about things that happened when I was in prison. But you do know we need to talk about them eventually.”

“I know,” you whispered; the buried feelings from those horrible months coming to the surface again.

“Let’s go get her dressed. JJ should be here by 10.” 

Spencer took her from you, setting her down on her feet.

“How about a race, pumpkin? I’ll race you to your room.”

Abbie shrieked, taking off on her little legs, Spencer behind her, pretending to be way behind.

“She’s off to a wonderful start, look at that form as she runs!” Spencer’s voice came from the hall as if he were narrating an actual race, “Oh no, she’s beating me! She’s rounding the corner! She’s at the last stretch of the mile! IT’S OFFICIAL! Abrielle Jade Reid is the winner!”

You hear squealing and her giggles ascend in what you assume is caused by Spencer picking her up.

You stare at the place where he was sitting minutes before, remembering something Emily had told you days earlier.

“Abbie may be almost 2, but she has faith in you and Spencer every single day. She may not know what it is, but as her parents, she quite literally trusts you with her life. So why can’t you have that kind of faith in Spencer?”

•

An hour later it’s just you and Spencer left in the house. You weren’t proud to say that you had hidden out in your bedroom while he was assisting JJ with Abbie’s car seat outside, your attempt at prolonging the start of the conversation.

You heard the front door close and his footsteps getting closer to your room. You sat your phone aside when he walked in and sat up against the pillows.

“I’m gonna talk and you’re gonna listen. Okay?”

It wasn’t often that you heard Spencer sound so stern, the steely tone of his voice unfamiliar. But you currently felt like a student in the principal’s office about to face punishment. He didn’t wait for you to answer before he continued.

“I’m going to tell you about what happened to me in prison.” His voice was gentler now, but you saw by his face that he was serious.

“Spencer-”

His hard look silenced you.

“I want to do this. I can’t tell you why I chose not to see you until I tell you this.”

So he told you.

And you listened.

He told you about the fear he constantly lived with of being discovered as a fed, while in prison. He told you how he tried to help another inmate that was being targeted which only ended up in himself being beaten up and later, the same friend being murdered in front of him. How an inmate he mistook as a friend was actually the most dangerous prisoner there; he controlled everything and everyone and tried his hardest to control Spencer too. How his mind seemed to adapt to the line of thinking of the others. It was either do what you have to do or get killed. He explained that he did something terrible, something that he would’ve never imagined he’d ever do but was forced to do it to spare his own life. He confessed how much it scared him, that prison had turned him into a monster. He told you how painful it was reliving the events as he worked to heal in therapy. He indeed told you everything.

It hurt like hell hearing every detail, each of his words etched with pain and bad memories. He didn’t continue for a few quiet minutes after he finished recounting everything. His eyes were closed, as if trying to erase the pain of the old wounds freshly opened. You reached out towards him, putting your hand on top of his. When he opened his eyes, he looked down at your hand over his.

Without a word, he turned his hand in yours until your fingers laced through his perfectly.

“The team is used to seeing things like this. Even though it was me in there, one of their own, they knew to expect the worst. They see bad things every day. But I couldn’t do that to you. I couldn’t let you see me like that. It would have completely broken you.”

He paused, swallowing hard before continuing.

“My job is to see horrible things and look how prison impacted me. How do you think I’d feel knowing I was responsible for putting you through so much pain? It was never about not wanting to see you. It was about protecting you, about keeping you oblivious to the true horrors of what it’s like in there. I was so afraid you wouldn’t be able to handle it. All I wanted to do was protect you and Abbie.”

You didn’t know exactly when you’d began crying, but now you felt the tears streaming quickly down your face. Months of pent up emotions came pouring out of you all at once.

“All I wanted to do was to see you! I wasn’t able to do anything to help you and then I’m told I couldn’t even see you? I had never felt so helpless.”

“Please don’t cry.”

He moved to where he could sit closer to you, concern etching his features. Pulling his hand out of yours, he put a hand on your face, wiping your tears.

“It wasn’t my intention to hurt you. Please believe me.”

“I know. I believe you.”

Your faces were mere inches apart by now and his eyes searched your face, repeatedly glancing down at your lips. All it would take was a hair of movement and your lips would be connected. You felt the tempting pull, wanting to kiss him badly, yet you stayed still, the moment seeming to stretch on.

“We can’t,” you whispered.

He was so close, you felt the breath of his words against your lips.

“Why not?”

He made the final move and kissed you. You didn’t fight it anymore. It was like having a drink of water after suffering from an agonizing thirst. His lips felt familiar, they were familiar but it’d been an awfully long time since you felt them against yours.

Your lips moved with his, parting every few kisses before reconnecting them to his. It was slow, sensual and full of love. All of your love for him was poured into the kiss, but you knew that was just your take on it. For you, this right now felt like coming home.

He inched you backwards until you were pressed up against your pillows once again with him hovering over you, his mouth not leaving yours once.

“I swear I didn’t intend to start something like this,” he murmured against your lips, between kisses.

“Not,” you paused as he kissed you again, “Complaining.”

Your hands moved over his chest and up his shoulders until your arms were wrapped around his neck. He was intoxicating and you were taking in as much of him as you could before this ended once again.

He pushed your pillows off the bed towards the floor, laying you flat against the bed. Though every time you’d been together hadn’t been fast and rough, you’d never taken it this slow with him before. The slow, intense kiss came to a standstill when he gently raked his teeth over your bottom lip before pulling away from you.

With his hands on your hips, he pushed them upwards, taking the bottom of your shirt up as well.

“Wait,” you grabbed his wrist, looking up at him.

“A-Are you sure you want to?” you asked hesitantly, not entirely confident his head was in the right place for something like this.

“I’m fine, Y/N. I’m positive.”

You raised your arms as he pulled the shirt over your head.

“Besides,” he paused to unbutton his shirt, “I want to take my time with you.”

You bit your lip, his words sending a warm flush all throughout your body. You helped him remove his shirt and pants at the same time because suddenly all you wanted was to feel his body against yours. After a lackadaisical kiss he began his descent downwards. 

His lips moved down your chest with soft kisses, a trail of them placed just above the cups of your bra. He reached behind you to unfasten it, slowly pulling each strap down your shoulder, his mouth following closely behind his hands.

He kissed each shoulder, your collar bones and breasts, his tongue softly flicking over both nipples in turn. You gasped, feeling goosebumps prickle your arms. His sloth like pace was both thrilling and agonizing at the same time. 

More followed down your belly, his fingers gently brushing the few stubborn stretch marks pregnancy had left behind. He paused briefly at your hip, sucking on it then running his tongue over the small bruise he’d created there.

“Mmm,” you hummed as he pushed your legs apart gently, clearly anticipating his next move.

Surprising you, he didn’t do what you thought he would. His lips brushed the top of your underwear, half on your skin, half on the fabric.

“Spence,” you moaned softly wanting more than what he was giving.

“I love it when you call me that,” he said, voice thick with desire. 

He licked his lips, looking up at you, eyes locked on yours as he pulled the silky item off you, hands trailing down your thighs, then back up. His gaze lingered on yours a beat longer, the intensity of it taking your breath away. You were the absolute center of his attention and he was relishing every bit of you. He was known to drive you crazy, but this was on a whole new level. There was something more intimate, more sensual about this that made you feel even more vulnerable in his presence.

His kisses traveled your thighs next, moving dangerously close to the area you were wanting him most. Just when you thought his next movement would be his mouth on your core, he would move in the opposite direction, much to your dismay. 

Back again he went, mouth moving in the right direction and-

“Oh my god,” you moaned, not even able to finish your previous thought.

The sly devil had distracted you just enough so that you weren’t expecting when his finger slid inside you, rubbing against you deliciously. If you thought that was mind-blowing enough, you almost lost your shit when his tongue met your clit before sucking gently.

You weren’t entirely sure if it was because it had been a long, long time since you’d had any sexual escapades or if it was just Spencer in general, but all coherent thought left your mind the longer he worked you.

Your hand grips his hair, your breath coming in rapid pants signaling your oncoming release.

“Oh fuck, oh fuck Spencer!” you half gasped, half moaned as your climax hit you, robbing you of your breath for a few seconds.

When you opened your eyes again, he was hovering over you, a small smirk on his face.

“You didn’t have to do that,” you chuckled.

He hummed, “I’m not done yet sweetheart.”

Sometime during your current shared kiss, his boxers were removed and he pushed into you. He moaned into your mouth, his tongue twirling with yours. 

His tantalizing movements made you able to feel every bit of him as he moved in and out of you repeatedly. Your earlier wish was granted as now your bodies were pressed against one another, moving as one.

“Feels incr-” he groaned mid-sentence.

“Incredible,” he breathed.

You couldn’t argue that. Somehow all the other times didn’t hold a candle to right now. 

Your hands gripped his biceps, giving in and begging him to pick up his pace. His hands hooked behind your thighs pulling you closer at the exact moment as a thrust of his hips causing you both to moan. His forehead fell against yours as your hips rocked to the new rhythm.

“You okay?” he whispered, watching you.

“God, yes,” you half laughed, half moaned.

His hands hadn’t stayed still the entire time, moving from one place to another, his touch gentle as if he were touching fine china. Whether they were stroking your hips, splayed across your stomach or resting on the side of your neck as he kissed you deeply your whole body automatically responded to his touch without you realizing it. 

Fire filled your veins and your body easily arched into his, more than ready to let that fire consume your senses. Your body inadvertently clenched around him and a growl came from deep within his throat, his teeth scraping over his bottom lip.

You’d often seen his face of concentration, the creased brow and the tip of his tongue sticking out of the corner of his mouth. That was the same expression he wore now, determined to shatter you for a second time. You couldn’t even begin to process how the hell it was adorable and sexy at the same time. 

The two of your movements become more hurried and erratic, the air hot with pants and moans. His fingers dig into your sides as his orgasm hit him.

“Oh god I love you,” Spencer moans into your neck as he succumbs to his high, your name falling from his lips.

Your breathing is suddenly heavier and not solely because of your own building climax, but because of his words. You don’t have a moment nor a clear head to think about what was just said as you’re a whimpering and writhing mess underneath him, the heavy knot in your stomach coiling tighter and tighter. You feel yourself coming apart at the seams, as if all your nerve endings are ready to burst into oblivion.

Spencer knows you well because within a short time of his own release he sends you falling into an abyss of ecstasy, caressing you and kissing you anywhere and everywhere he can, the entire time. You’re pretty sure it takes you a few minutes to breathe properly again.

Afterwards, he gently nudges your cheek with his nose and you turn to face him, kissing him softly once again. You can’t possibly wrap your head around what had just happened. It wasn’t normal sex like you used to have with him. This was tender, passionate, but hot. Probably the hottest you’d had. Then you remembered what he’d said.

Was it sincere or was it just in the heat of the moment?

•

Both of you lay quietly for a while; so long you’re almost sure that Spencer fell asleep.

“I have to tell you something,” you finally said, halfway hoping he was already asleep.

“Hmm?” he asked, looking over at you. 

“Before I tell you, I just want you to know that I appreciate what you did for me and Abbie even though I didn’t show it at the time. I’m grateful that you told me all you did earlier and I’m so sorry you had to go through that. I don’t know what I’d have done if-”

“Y/N, you’re rambling,” he chuckled, aware he’s guilty of the same thing at times too.

“Right. Well, I wanted to tell you I love you. Actually, I’m in love with you. I had to tell you because I just realized that I can’t deny it anymore and even though you probably don’t feel the same way, you deserve to know.”

He’d been watching you intently the entire time you’d been speaking. He licked his lips before responding.

“I meant it, you know.”

You looked over as he rolled over on his side and rested his head in his hand. You were confused as that wasn’t the immediate reaction you’d expected.

“Meant what?”

“That I love you. I saw your face when I said it.”

“My face?”

“Y/N, I’m not a profiler for nothing. You were freaking out because I said it.”

“Yes, but not for the reason you think.”

“Then why?” he asked.

“I didn’t know if you actually meant it or if it was just you know, the sex making you talk.”

“Well, I did mean it. I’ve been in love with you for a while, you know.”

You laugh incredulously, unable to believe that all this time he’d actually felt the same way as you.

“You have? Since when?”

“I’m not sure when exactly. It just kinda hit me one day that you were the one person I couldn’t get off my mind, the one who knows me better than most. I just didn’t know how or if to say it. It kind of slipped out accidentally earlier.”

“I just assumed it was because of the sex,” you chuckled.

“Oh believe me, the sex will definitely make me say it as well. Repeatedly.”

His lips twisted into a smirk as his hand glides over your stomach, pulling you close for a kiss.

“I love you.” He paused for a kiss.

“I love you,” Another kiss followed.

“I love you.” A third.

He retreated, laying back next to you.

“I can’t thank you for all that you’ve done for me these last few months. I wouldn’t have been able to get better without you by my side.”

You smiled, happy to see some of the old Spencer you knew and loved peeking through once again. Prison may have changed him, but he was still Spencer in all the ways that mattered.

“So what does this mean for us then?” you asked, watching his fingers glide lazily over your skin.

“I mean we’ve sort of been a couple for nearly 2 years now, so now it’s just us finally being smart and admitting it,” he smiled, “But if you want me to be official, I want you to be mine. My only girl. Well, besides Abbie. Can’t forget her.”

“No, definitely can’t forget her.”

“I want to be a family. If that’s okay with you, that is.” He added the last part hesitantly.

You put your hand over his, stopping his motions then twining your fingers with his.

“That’s more than okay with me,” you smiled up at him.

Maybe good things had come from all the bad.

You lay in a comfortable silence after that, simply enjoying each other’s company. It was Spencer who spoke next.

“You know what got me through the long days in prison?” he asked.

You shook your head, “No, what?”

“I thought about Abbie a lot of course. I had faith I would see her again. Also, I had faith in the BAU, I knew the team would do their jobs and work their asses off to get me out of there. But that’s not all.”

“At the end of the day, after all my misfortune, I knew faith would lead me back to my family.”

Tags: @wefracturedmotivation @rt8815 @pastanest

#spencer reid #dr spencer reid #dr spencer reid fic #Spencer Reid fic #spencer reid gifs #spencer reid smut #Criminal Minds #criminal minds gifs #criminal minds fic #criminal minds smut

[chickensarentcheap]

Sanctuary - Chapter 29

Warnings: some violence

Tagging: @innerpaperexpertcloud, @alievans007, @c-a-v-a-l-r-y, @thorsbathroomchicken, @valkyrie-of-the-light

If you can, please leave even the smallest comment so I know someone is reading lol  <3

“I thought you said you knew how to do this?”  Esme whispers, as she nervously bounces up and down on her heels, arms crossed over her chest, hands vigorously rubbing her shoulders in a vain attempt to warm herself up.  Enormous poplars tower over either end of the McMann's front porch, effectively blocking out the sun and bringing a chill to the air.

“I do,” Yaz responds, as he uses a picking tool to manipulate the lock on the front door. He'd already used a high tech blocker to jam the security system; once inside no alarm would sound and no police or security would be alerted to their activity.  “It just takes time.”

“It's been fifteen minutes. If there's anyone watching, they're going to see us.”

“If there is anyone watching, they would have seen us by now.  I can't believe you even talked me into this.”

“I was getting tired of waiting around for Nik to make up her mind about whether she wanted us to check the place out or not.  What's with her dragging her heels? We are running out of time. Those kids are running out of time. We need information, Yaz. It's not going to fall into our laps.” “I thought you were going to get information tomorrow. On your date.”

“It is not a date. It's a ruse. To get what I what.  This clock is ticking. We don't have time to fuck around. Those kids have been missing for two weeks. And you know as well as I do, that they're on borrowed time. So it's time to pull out all the stops.  Go big or go home.”

'Tyler's going to flip his shit, you know that, right?”

“Tyler is a big boy that realizes that we need to get the show on the road. And that sometimes means  making....uncomfortable...decisions.”

“You really think he's going to be okay with his wife going out on a date with some random guy?”

“Again, it's not a date. I'm using this person to get information. Information we all desperately need, I might add.  This is the only way I'm going to get it, Yaz. And it's messed up and it's weird and it's going to get incredibly awkward.  But this has to be done.  He's got names. People who have way more clout and info than he does. We are so close to finding out just who has those kids and where they are.”

“You're crazy if you think Tyler is going to go along with this.  I wouldn't if I was in his shoes. I wouldn't want my wife putting herself out there like that. Pretending she's single, flirting with other men, having dinner and drinks with them.”

“It's for the job. He's not going to feel threatened over some two bit hood that I have to con to get info out of. He's forty years old, Yaz. He's far beyond being the jealous and irrational type.”

He smirks. “You keep telling yourself that.”  There's an audible 'click' as the lock finally gives way, and he shoots her a victorious grin as he turns the handle and pushes the door open, holding it for her and gesturing for to step inside first.  

“Oh so it can be me the attack dogs come after first,” she teases, slapping him playfully across the chest before stepping into the foyer. “Not too shabby,” she gives a nod of approval as she surveys the polished marble tiles, cove ceilings, and rich cherry wood accents. “I didn't picture McMann as the type to have wainscotting and antiques. He seems more like the leather and chrome type. Look...” she picks up a small knick-knack from the hallway table; a small porcelain figurine of a young boy with his dog. “...he even has Hummels! Talk about someone being a total mind fuck! Total study in contradiction, don't you think?”

“How do you even know what Hummels are? You don't seem like the type to collect frilly and pretty shit.”

“My grandmother used to collect them. She had a whole china cabinet full of them.  She used to threaten to beat our asses if even dared step a single toe in the living room where they were kept.   She was the type that had plastic on the couches and fancy hand towels in the bathroom that no one was allowed to touch. Oooo...look...mail,” she picks up a stack of envelopes from the table.  “Let's snoop.”

“What are we exactly looking for?” Yaz asks, as they fall in step alongside of each other, curiously watching as she thumbs through the stack of mail, then selects a handwritten letter bearing a New Zealand postal stamp.

“Anything and everything,” she tears into the envelope, plucking the stiff writing paper out from its confines, carefully opening it.  “Fancy,” she releases a low, impressed whistle. “Someone doesn't realize the art of good penmanship and snail mail died a long time ago.  This has to be from an older relative. Someone still hanging onto the past. Maybe Heather's grandmother?”

“Maybe. What's it say?”

“It's about the business. Maybe the grandmother's shop? The one where she was helping Heather hide out from her father? Where McMann found her? There's no name of the place or an address. The letter is personal. Nothing business like about it.  All about how sad it is that the end of the era has come and how the writer wishes things could have been different. But they accept the decision and won't contact them again. It's signed Nan.”

“Definitely the grandmother.” Yaz concludes.

“We'll take it with us,” Esme says, and then pauses before she slips it into her purse. Then drops all of the envelopes inside. “We'll talk all of them, actually.”

“You don't think he's going to realize his mail is missing?”

“Who cares. Let him think he's gone crazy and tear the place apart looking for it.  Let's start upstairs and work our way down.”

“You seem to enjoying this a little too much,” Yaz comments, as he follows her up the spiral staircase, loose floorboards sagging and creaking under their feet. “Were you a cat burglar at some point in your old life?”

“No,” she laughs. “I just get a perverse satisfaction out of snooping through peoples' shit and finding out the skeletons in their closet. Especially people like this. The ones who have the fancy house and the fancy cars and the designer clothes. The ones that look so perfect on the outside yet have the most twisted shit going on behind closed doors.”

“So about this date...”

She sighs.

“Sorry...about this 'non date'.  You honestly think Tyler is going to be okay with it? That you're going to let some IRA dude wine and dine you?”

“First all, I think you need to stop worrying about what goes on between Tyler and I.  Our marriage is good, Yaz. It's beyond good. It's amazing. We love each other and want to spend the rest of our lives together and totally intend on doing just that. We have four amazing kids.  If we've managed to get through the past five and a half years, this bullshit with Michael McMann isn't going to break us.”

“But you're pretending like your single. You're flirting with this bartender. You agreed to go out with him.”

“It's for the job,,” she reminds him. “There's nothing scandalous going on. It is strictly business. I'm not running off to cheat on my husband. This isn't committing adultery. This is lying and conning someone into giving us what we want. What we need. And Tyler is going to understand that. Any rational human being would.”

“You realize that he isn't exactly understanding and rational when it comes to you, right? You realize it drives him batshit insane if another guy so as much looks as you when you're with him? He doesn't even like me checking you out.”

“You've been checking me out?”

“It's kind of hard not to. At the risk of sounding like a pervert, you're kind of hard not to notice. I so would have scooped you up if you weren't into tall, buff, Australian dudes.  I'm just saying that this is a horrible idea. You hooking up with this bartender. It can be done another way. Getting information. Why risk pissing Tyler off and causing issues between you guys?”

“He isn't going to be pissed off. He's a professional.”

“He's also your husband.  Maybe he'd be okay with it if it was just some girl off the street Nik brought in. But you guys have history. You're his wife. And no husband is going to like the idea of his wife being with another man. Whether it's for business or not.  Doesn't he at least get a say in this?”

“What he is going to say?”

“That you're insane and there's no way he's letting you do it.”

“I admit, when I tell him, he may get a little upset...”

Yaz stares at her pointedly.

“Okay so he may get very upset. But when he calms down, he'll realize that it's for the best. That things like this have to be done from time to time. I'm going to have a dinner and a couple drinks and I'm going to get the info we need. I'm not running off with some strange man to cheat on my husband. Give me some credit, would you? Sheesh. You don't really think that about me do you? That I'd do that to Tyler?”

“I don't think you would. I know you're crazy about the guy. But this is some serious shit you're wadding into. This guy is IRA. Not just a bartender. A bartender that's in a terrorist organization. And you're walking right into his bullshit. This is crazy. You know it is. And I agree that we need information, but...”

“You check the master bedroom,” she suggests. “I'll hit up the kids' rooms”

He captures her by the wrist before she can walk away. “Esme, I'm just worried about you, okay? This is some scary shit we're all getting into it. You're my friend. Tyler's my friend. I don't want to see this screwing things up for you guys. You two have a great thing.  He has a normal life. A wife and kids.  A house. All the things he'd never thought he'd have, you gave him.  And I don't want to see all that fucked up because of this Michael McMann bullshit. Just promise me you'll hear him out. When you tell him about tomorrow night. Don't just ignore what he has to say. Because I don't think you realize just how much he loves you. How much it would kill him to lose you. To lose what he has.”

“I'm not going anywhere, Yaz.  I plan to stick around. For a very long time.  Or least until you end up killing me for making jokes at your expense.”

He grins at that.

“Tyler knows I love him. He knows that I would do anything for him.  I'm not going to let anyone screw my life up.  I've worked too hard at this and put too much work into my marriage...into my family...to let the job mess that up. I promise.”

“Good,” he says, and then playfully tousles her hair. “Now lets get to work.”

****

McMann is already waiting for the them at the scheduled, a long abandoned school on the outskirts of town. A one story sprawling building; faded and chipped red bricks, broken and missing windows, weeds and grass to the knees, industrial sized dumpsters filled the brim.  The area itself is a disaster; most of the houses empty and boarded up, junk of various shapes and sizes filling the yards of the tenants who still remain.  A foul stench hangs in the air; rotting trash, pollution from the factories only blocks away, the smell of mould and mildew that comes with years of neglect and decay.

“That's him?” Mark mutters as they approach,  McMann watching them with narrow, darkened eyes, taking one last, long drag of his cigarette before tossing it aside.

Tyler nods. “Just remember what I told you. Just go with it.”

“Who the hell is this? McMann barks. “You're supposed to be alone. What the hell kind of shit are you trying to pull, Rake?”

“I was just going to ask you the same thing,” he retorts, and before McMann  can get out another word, Tyler is grabbing a hold of the front of his t-shirt and slamming his forearm into his throat; using his height and weight advantage to shove the startled man into the side of one of the dumpsters. The back of his head slamming off the metal with an echoing thud.

“What the fuck?!” McMann roars. “What the fuck do you think you're doing? Are you fucking crazy? What is wrong with you? We had a deal!”

“Everything you told me was a goddamn lie,” Tyler snarls. “Right from the very beginning. Right from the fucking start you've been bullshitting me. Playing me. You didn't think I'd find out? You didn't think I had ways of looking into you and figuring out what you're up to?”

“I don't know what you're talking about. I don't...”

He increases the pressure of his forearm; leaning into the other man. Until McMann is coughing and sputtering and his face turning a vivid shade of red.  “Don't lie to me,” Tyler hisses.  “If there was ever the time to tell the truth, this would be it.”

“You're crazy,” McMann manages through the gagging; spit rolling down the sides of his mouth, sweat beading across his forehead. His eyes wide with a mixture of fury and terror. “You're fucking crazy. I was warned about you. How unhinged you are.”

“I haven't even got to the point of being unhinged. I know about your little plan. All the bullshit you spewed to get me here. Away from my family. You wanted me alone. You thought it would make me vulnerable. You thought you'd be able to get the drop on me.”

“I have no idea what you're talking about you. You!” he barks the last word at Mark, who stands idly by with his hands shoved in his pockets, enjoying the exchange. “Do something would ya? Get him off of me!”

“No,” Mark says, and casually leans against one of the brick walls. “I don't think I will.”

“Your little friend showed up at my hotel,” Tyler continues. “What is she? Your little girlfriend? Your side piece?”

“What girl? Who...”

“She gave me the pictures. The pictures of your wife and your kids. The proof of life. And she gave me the pictures of my family. Of my wife, my kids. Didn't I warn you not to fuck with my family? Didn't I tell you it was the worst possible thing that you could do? Go after my wife and my kids? That I would kill you if you even thought about it?”

“I swear...” McMann claws at Tyler's forearm, struggles in vain to get away from the strong, solid body keeping him in place.  “...I don't know what you're talking about...”

“Tell me the truth,” Tyler orders.  “All of it. Or I will snap your neck right here and now and I'll leave you here to rot.”

“I have no idea what you're talking about!” he insists, his skin turning a hideous shade of purple, blood vessels popping in his eyes. And with his free hand he reaches up to grab a hold of Tyler's hair; yanking and twisting it.

“You stupid fucker!”  Tyler roars; the act dissipating, the rage suddenly all too real.

That simple and desperate act of violence and retaliation against him sends him over the edge.  Five and a half years of pent up anger and frustration.  The confusion he'd felt during those months in the hospital and all through those long and tedious days of rehab and wondering if he'd ever been even half the man he once was.  The guilt that he carried around over what he had put Esme through; her fight to keep him alive on the bridge,  the nights she'd spent sleeping beside his hospital bed, the animosity she'd felt towards him for having pushing her into a life she didn't  want. The lingering fear that he'll lose her. That she'll disappear from his life just as quick as she entered it. Leaving him broken and alone and raising four kids by himself. He wouldn't survive. He knows it.  He'd turn to the booze and the meds again and his life would fall apart and then he'd no longer even have his children.

His forearm slips from McMann's throat and his hand wraps around his throat. Knuckles cracking and turning white from the pure, brute force that he uses.  Nostrils flaring. Chest heaving from a mixture of rage and exertion. Eyes dark and crazed.  The eyes of a predator that has managed to catch his prey and will show no mercy.

“All right...” Mark is stepping alongside of him now.  “....take it easy....take it down a notch...this isn't what we came for...”

“You fucking lied to me,” Tyler's voice is low, menacing. Fingers pressing further into McMann's throat.  “I told you to leave my family out of it. I told you to stay away from my wife and my kids. And now they're caught up in this bullshit. Your bullshit.  And if anything happens to my wife because of you...”

“Hey...hey...” Mark lays a hand on Tyler's arm. “...look at me, kid....look at me...”

Tyler inhales sharply, breath slowly leaving his lungs and his lips, turning those furious blue eyes on Mark's concerned hazel ones.

“Nothing is going to happen to her, okay? She's going to be fine. She's safe. With you. Now just take it down a notch. This isn't what we came here for. Step back, take a breath, and get your shit together. Understand me?”

Tyler just stares at him. Just heaving. Fingers finally beginning to relax around McMann's throat.

“You kill him and then what?” Mark asks. “You kill him, you don't get what you want. You need whatever information he has. He dies, those kids die. And you know that.  That's not what you want, Tyler. You don't want the blood of those kids on your hands. So take a step back and calm down, you hear me?

He finally relents.  Hand relaxing and falling off of McMann's throat, stepping back as the man's body collapses to the ground in front of him.  

“Just take it easy...” Mark encourages, and rubs his shoulders in the same way a manager would do a boxer in between rounds.  “....just take a few deep breaths and take it easy...”

Tyler rakes his hands through his hair;  then bends at the waist, hands resting on his thighs. Eyes closed as he struggles to regain his composure. Sucking in long, shaky breaths. Releasing them slowly. Until he feels all of his muscles begin to relax; the rage and the tension disappearing first from his shoulders, then spreading down his arms and his arms.  

“You stupid sonofabitch,” McMann gasps for air as he struggles into a sit, back against the dumpster.  “Do you know who you're messing with? Do you know the people I know? The people I'm involved with? What they could do to you? To your family?”

“Shut your goddamn mouth,” Mark snarls. “I've calmed him down once. I won't be able to again.  Keep his family out of this. If you know what's good for you. You good?” he pats Tyler on the back.  “You think you can hold it together long enough to get some information out of this prick?”

He nods, heaving a sigh as he stands up. “I'm good.”

“What kind of information?” McMann asks, eyes narrowed as Tyler approaches him. “I've already told you everything I know.”

“You lied to me, mate.  Right off the hop. You told me that your wife was a shop keeper in New Zealand. That she was feeding you information while you were there for a job. I know that's all shit. I know who she is. I know who her family is. Who her father was.  You were working for him. He hired you to extract her.  She was a kid.  She was a fucking kid and you took advantage of her. She was weak and vulnerable and you were responsible for her and you preyed on her, you sick fuck.”

“We fell in love,” he tries to reason. “I never forced her into anything. It was mutual.”

“She was a teenager! She was seventeen and you took advantage of her. What the hell is wrong with you? You were thirty three. You were supposed to protect her. Bring her home to her father.  She was vulnerable and she trusted you and you took advantage of that. For that alone I should break your fucking neck. We both have daughters. Would you want that for your daughter? I sure as hell don't. And if someone like you ever even so as much looks at my daughter the wrong way. I'll do shit to them  that they couldn't even begin to imagine in their worst dreams.”

“She was almost an adult,” McMann continues. “She wasn't a child. She was...”

“I know about everything,” Tyler says. “I know that you started taking jobs for friends of her old man. That you'd take the money and not get the work done. I also know that you killed him.”  He's taking a shot in the dark with the last part; there's no proof that McMann is the one that did the hit himself. Or had one put on his father in law.

“He knew too much.  About me being part of the IRA. I told him I left and he found out I didn't and he was going to try and convince Heather to take the kids and leave.”

“You're still part of them?” Mark inquires. “The IRA?”

“No. I did leave. Two years ago. I have nothing to do with them now.”

“Why'd you lie about who has your wife and your kids?” Tyler asks. “We know it's not the IRA.  They deny having anything to do with it. They won't claim responsibility.  Why'd you tell me it was them? Do you realize what could have happened? If I'd just come in here believing what you said and caused all kinds of shit with them? How bad things would have gotten? You wanted me to take the fall for you, didn't you. You wanted me to come here and blow shit up and take a bullet for you. To cover up who's actually behind all of this. You were willing to have me killed to cover your shit up.”

McMann nods.

“Who has them?” Mark asks. “Who has your wife and your kids?”

“Her family,” he replies. “The Buckmans.”

“Whose in charge?” Tyler inquires.  “Of the family? Is it your wife?”

“I can't...I can't tell you that.  You have to understand.  If I tell you everything...”

“Is your wife in charge?” Tyler presses, and takes a step closer. “Don't fuck me around here, mate. You've lied to me enough. So unless you want me snapping your neck for good this time...”

“I'm not sure.  I'm not sure she's involved. At first I thought she was innocent in all of this. That she was just as innocent as the kids. And then things started not adding up. The more and more I thought about it, things didn't make sense.”

“Why? Why would she do it? Why would she do that to her own kids?”

“Revenge?” McMann suggests with a shrug. “For what I did to her father.”

“And because you've been sticking your dick where it doesn't belong?” Mark smirks. “Yeah, we know about that too. You're just one big shit show, aren't you.”

“Where are they?” Tyler asks. “Where are your wife and kids?”

“That I don't know.  I honestly do not know. I've got both of them after me . The IRA. The Buckmans.”

“Well you're well and truly fucked aren't you, mate.  And I'd give a shit if you didn't go after my family. Was it you? That sent that girl? Erin? Was it you that had someone take pictures of my wife and my kids?”

“No. I had nothing to do with that. I'd have no reason to do that. I needed you here. To help.”

“No. You needed me here to start a whole bunch of shit. And die in the process.  Then shit really hit the fan with your wife and your kids and you realized you did need me alive. That you needed me to do your dirty work. Because you're a coward. A fucking coward that preys on young girls. You were never going to try and get your wife and your kids back, were you. You were going to leave that all to me.”

“I'm not like you,” McMann says.  “I can't do the things you do.  I can't turn it off.  The emotions.”

“And you think I can? You think I like doing this? You think I like having to kill people? I do it because I have to. Because  I have no other choice. Because it's me or them.  Because I have a family that needs me  and going home in a body bag isn't an option.”

“Where are they?” Mark asks. “The kids.”

“I told you. I don't know. I'm not in on this. I have nothing to do with this. I would never do something like that. To my own kids.  I do need your help,” he turns pleading eyes up at Tyler.  “I do need you to find them.  To get them out.  You're the only one that can do it.”

“And if I was to leave right now?” Tyler asks “If I was to just say 'fuck it' and leave? What then?”

“You wouldn't be able to live with yourself,” McMann replies. “You have kids of your own. And every time you would look at them, you'd think about the kids you left behind. To die.”

Tyler gives a derisive snort. “Let's go,” he says to Mark, and then turns on his heel to head for the car.  “We're done here.”

“Don't you fucking walk away!” McMann roars, as he struggles to his feet. “Don't you bail on me, Rake! Don't you bail on my kids!”

“I'll find your kids,”  Tyler assures him.  “Just as long as you stay the fuck out of my way.”

*****

The McMann house is eerily quiet; nothing but the soft hum of the central air conditioning  filling the air. Outside is just as still; no breeze tousling the tree tops, no sounds of children playing in nearby yards or cars on the street. The sky gray and dreary; an imminent threat of rain.

Esme scours the little girl's room; the boy's had turned up nothing out of the ordinary and it had left her frustrated and feeling helpless. One moment it felt as if they were getting closer to finding out their whereabouts, the next it seemed as if they were taking a hundred steps backwards.

The room is the quintessential girls room. A white wood canopy bed with a billowing sheer panels; white with delicately embroidered pink and purple flowers around the edges. An obviously handmade quilt boasting panels displaying rainbows, unicorns and other mythical creatures. The hardwood floor covered in places by impossibly soft bubble gum pink shag throw rugs, a wall to wall bookcase filled with the little one's favourites and a wide selection of stuffed animals. A desk in one corner; covered with drawers and loose markers and crayons. A towering dollhouse in the other; filled with every possible kind of decor and furniture and several different Barbies.

She searches the closet; flipping through hangers of clothing.  Mostly dresses;  all flowing and made from expensive fabrics and boasting rich, vibrant colours.  A handful of more casual items; jeans, a few t-shirts,  a couple of zip up sweaters.  And she sticks her arm in as far as it will go; blindly feeling along the walls for any shelving or even tucked away spaces and corners that could be used as hiding spots.

Nothing.

Sighing, she closes the closet door and journeys to the dresser.  Fingertips tracing along the various toys and small figurines that sit on top of it.  Unicorns the current favourite; ceramic ones that have been hand painted, others made from glass, a couple constructed of heavy crystal, two with multi-coloured flowing manes and tails. There's a hair brush and a handheld mirror; antique by the looks of it, likely passed on through generations.  A small jewellery box that when opened, held a spinning ballerina and played a soft lullaby.

And suddenly the emotions hit.  Raw and powerful.  Thoughts of her own little girl. Of Millie and her brilliant blue eyes and her light brown hair done up in braids.  Of that bedroom back in Colorado that boasts all the little touches that make Millie the spirited and beautiful five year old that she is;  the paintings she'd done on her own and insisted be framed and hung,  the fleece Winnie the Pooh blanket that she'd been given as a baby by a neighbour in the old apartment; it was tattered and faded yet she still insisted that it be kept at the foot of her bed.  Family pictures on her dresser; even ones of her brothers who she was adamant she hated, yet always told them she loved them before bed.  And that stuffed koala; the one that her daddy had given her when she was only an hour old and had been tagging along with them everywhere they went.  He was missing one eye now; his fur wasn't as soft and it had lost most of its colour. But he is treasured and well loved.

The tears come now. Hot. Bitter. The realization of just how desperately she misses her family.  Just how far away they actually are. How messed up things are and how there's a very real chance that she may never see them again. Or, at the very least, be returning as a single parent.

She flees the room; nearly knocking Yaz clear off his feet as he exits the master across the hall.  And she's barely aware of him calling her name and asking what's wrong; tears blurring her vision and burning her cheeks, chest heaving with sobs as she rushes down the stairs.  She feels as if she can't breathe. She's nauseous. Dizzy. Desperate for escape.

She's sitting on the front steps when the door opens behind her. Clearing the tears off her cheeks with one hand, the other rubbing at her bare arms. She's tired. Emotionally and physically. The stress and the worry and the overwhelming loneliness just too much to bear.  And Yaz doesn't say a word. Just silently slips out of his jacket and drapes it over her shoulders before taking a seat on the top step beside her.

“Anything?” she asks after several minutes, thankful that he hadn't asked questions or pressured her to tell her what was wrong.  Just sitting there in silence; a comforting, friendly presence.

“There's no women's clothes,” he replies. “In the closet. Or any of the dressers.  No things belonging to a woman in any of the bathrooms.”

“This just gets weirder and weirder,” Esme sighs. “McMann said that his kids and his wife were both taken. On the same day. But if there's no sign she was even here...”

“Maybe she came back and got her things.”

“Which would mean she's not being held.  That she's free to come and go as she pleases. And no captor or captors are going to allow that.”

“Which points towards the idea that she's involved.”

Esme nods.

“Are you okay?” he asks. “You've been a little weird the last couple of days.”

“You call me weird three hundred and sixty five days a year. What makes the last couple any different?”

“You're even weirder than usual,”  he teases, and playfully leans into her. “I'm serious. You've been acting all out of sorts. Are you okay?”

“No,” she admits with a shake of her head. “I'm not.”

“You wanna talk about it or...”

“I miss home. I miss the kids.  I miss my life. The one I had before all of this. Before Michael McMann showed up.”

“You'll get that back,” Yaz assures her. “We're getting closer.”

“How can you say that? We have nothing. If seems like with every two steps we take forward, we take ten backwards.”

“I can just feel it,” he says. “I can just feel that we're close. To something. We should get going. We should really be back at the hotel before Tyler gets there. He's going to wonder where the hell we went if we're not there. And I don't know if we should be telling him about this.”

Esme rests the side of her head against his shoulder. “Our little secret?”

“Our little secret,” he confirms.

“Think they'd mind if I used their bathroom? Those two extra large teas on the way here practically have my eyeballs swimming.”

He laughs at that. “You want me to wait here or go start the car or....”

“Just wait here. In case someone does see us here and decides to pop in for a visit.”

She steps back into the house, hurrying for the small three piece bathroom that she'd seen when they'd first started their search of the house.  While in there, she finds a bottle of anti nausea meds in the medicine and takes three; swallowing them down with a palm full of water and then hurrying out to meet Yaz.

She is three feet from the door when she sees it. Out of the corner of her eye.  The corner of an ornate cherry wood dining table behind a set of French doors.   And when she slips into the room for a closer look, she frowns at the odd sight of only five chairs instead of the usual six.

The chair, she thinks.

The one that Heather Buckman was bound to.  The one with the unusual carvings on the legs and the back and the very distinct cushion; burgundy with silver and gold flecks.

The one that matches the five still remaining in the room.

Her hands are shaking as she pulls her SAT from the pocket of her jeans. A sudden rush of adrenaline and the resurgence of hope causing the tremors.  And she snaps a picture of one of the chairs before composing a text to Tyler and sending it to his phone.

WE FOUND SOMETHING.

#Tyler Rake #tyler rake fan fic #tyler rake fan fiction #extraction #chris hemsworth character #sanctuary

[deathinaprettypinkdress]

Beautiful Lies: Chapter Two

A/N:  I posted this on both AO3 and FanFiction, and I thought I would post it here. I have found so many wonderful Peaky Blinders fanfictions and imagines, and I thought I would throw my hat in the ring, and maybe, hopefully, someone will like it.

Summary:  When Violet traveled to Small Heath to see her childhood friend, she thought the only thing that had changed about him was his name. She soon learns that isn’t the case, and struggles to recognize the boy she grew up with. MichaelxOC

1922

A year and half had gone by since Violet had last seen Henry-Michael, rather, it still felt odd to call him that. He had always been Henry to her. For a while he kept his promise. He wrote to her every few weeks. She was always thrilled to receive a letter from him, but they were becoming less and less frequent, as well as shorter and shorter. The last one that she had received from him was barely a paragraph, as opposed to the letters Violet sent him, always making sure to spray it with a bit of the lavender-scented perfume and giving the envelope a kiss before dropping it in the mailbox. But the last paragraph that she received from him, was perhaps the best letter she had gotten from him yet: an invitation.

Six months after Michael left, her father died, and only three months ago, her mother followed, and since then, she had stayed with her elder sister, Lucy. Michael had written her a week after her mother’s death, and the response Violet sent out was the one that contained news of her mother’s death. Only a week ago had Violet heard from Michael, expressing his condolences and inviting her to Small Heath, to stay with him and his mother, Polly. Violet had been hesitant to accept. Her entire life was in this little village, her friends, her sister, her nephew. Everyone except Michael. She still loved him after all this time, and she missed him everyday. She had expressed this concern to her sister.

Lucy’s response had surprised Violet. Lucy had told Violet that she ought to take Michael up on that offer. Lucy had decided that Violet had been too sheltered in the village and she should go out into the world, experience it, just a little. And Lucy had assured her that, if Violet was unhappy while she stayed in Small Heath, Lucy’s door would be open for her little sister. It was a scary thought to Violet, to leave the place that she called home. In all honesty, she was terrified. The world was daunting to her. She wanted to stay in her village, where she was safe. But against her better judgment, she listened to her sister, and decided to accept Michael’s invitation. She wrote back to him, and told him she would and by the time she would be coming. And Lucy had walked with Violet to the train station, hoping to provide her little sister with some comfort, and waved her sister off, not before kissing her forehead and giving one last reminder that she was welcome home at any time. And so, Violet set off for Small Heath, not knowing what she should expect.

As she sat on the train, with E. M. Forster’s A Room With A View sitting open in her lap, she stared out the window, almost in a daze. She couldn’t read her book now, she as too distracted and too nervous. Her mind was going a mile a minute, trying to think of what Small Heath could be like. Michael wasn’t too descriptive on what it was like, he only told her that there was such a difference between the little village and Small Heath. Violet didn’t know what to expect when she got off the train. She wouldn’t even know which way to go. She had an address, but she didn’t know which way or how far it was from the train station.

Michael had told her of his family, his mother and cousins. His mother, Polly, frightened her the most. Not only did Violet wish to impress her, as she was the girlfriend of his son and Violet wanted her approval, but in general, she sounded like she was a force to be reckoned with. She sounded different from Rosemary Johnson. Of course, Rosemary Johnson could be tough on her sons from time to time, Michael did have a mischievous streak. But Polly Gray sounded different. Tough in a different way. She sounded like someone Violet would move out of the way from when walking down the street. She sounded tough in a way that frightened Violet, but she also sounded like she tried hard to get to know her son.

The train ride to Small Heath took three and a half hours, but being so lost in her thoughts, those three and a half hours flew by, only feeling like twenty minutes, at most. As Rose exited the train, the first thing that she noticed was gray. It was so dreary and dark, so different from the blue skies and yellow sun and green grass in the village. Everything there was so vibrant, here, it was all muted. It would be enough to put anyone in a bad mood, to make anyone feel sad. But Violet wouldn’t feel sad, she couldn’t feel sad. She had missed Michael more than anything and she was thrilled that she was getting the chance to see him again. He told her that he worked for his cousins’ business as an accountant. Violet didn’t know exactly what sort of business it was, he rarely wrote about the business, and he barely gave her any details. She had tried to ask him more about his work, but in his letters, he always seemed to skirt about the question, never giving it to her straight. ‘This and that’ he would say. He would also say that there was some work with horses.

Violet was sure that having some of the work with horses would make him happy. She remembered his bay mare. Violet loved to ride too, but not so much as Michael. She would often go check up on his horse, and let him know that Michael would be coming home soon, even though Violet knew that was a lie. She had been completely wrong about Michael going to find his family. He was thrilled. He seemed to have settled right in, and even before her parents died, he had invited her to come visit him in Small Heath. Even in his shortest letters, he was trying to convince her to come and visit, but Violet had always refused.

Violet had even mentioned that to her parents and they refused to let her go. She had turned eighteen, her birthday just two months after Michael’s, and Violet’s eighteenth birthday had been three weeks before her mother died. In those three weeks, a conversation about Violet going to Small Heath hadn’t come up. But when she was seventeen, her parents refused to let her visit, saying that Small Heath wasn’t the place for a young lady. Even though they didn’t say whether or not they thought Michael had got caught up in it, but they did know of the crime that plagues Small Heath, and that it would be inappropriate for her to go unsupervised. They thought it was too dangerous for her to go at all.

Violet had asked for Lucy’s advice before she left, telling her about what their parents had told Violet. Lucy just told Violet to go directly to the address Michael gave her. That she should speak to know one but the cabby and wait for Michael. Lucy assured Violet that if he would invite her, that he ought to be willing to show her how things worked. ‘Any decent person would, at least,” Lucy had said. It wasn’t that Lucy didn’t like Michael, or the man she knew to be Henry Johnson. Far from it. Half of Violet’s childhood, Michael would be at their house. It was just that ever since Michael had moved, Lucy worried for her little sister. Violet was a romantic, and she was naive. Anyone growing up so sheltered as she had would be. And Violet had been so sure that Michael would be back. Lucy had only encouraged Violet to go, if only to snap her out of this little fantasy Violet had, of marriage and a house and a white picket fence and loads of children and a dog or two.

Lucy liked Michael, but she loved Violet. She doubted anything would come of their relationship. They were both so young. She just wanted her little sister to be happy, and she didn’t think that Violet would be happy with Michael. They both needed to move on, Violet especially. Violet had too many fantasies, her head was lost in the clouds and Lucy hoped that Violet would come down soon. She hoped this trip to Small Heath would wake her up, she knew Violet would be back with the month, sooner perhaps. Lucy didn’t know any other way to get Violet to come back to reality.

Violet left the train station and hailed a cab. She gave him the address, and sat quietly in the back as they drove to the address that Michael had given her. All the ride, Violet could feel butterflies swarming around in her stomach. She was afraid her nerves would get the better of her. It was important to Violet that she impress everyone in Michael’s family. Her parents had liked Michael, and they approved of their relationship, as did the Johnson’s. She wanted to impress the Gray’s, or rather just Mrs. Gray and the Shelby’s. It was clear through his letters that he loved his mother very much and held his family in a high regard, and Violet wanted them to like her. She had always had a bit of a problem with people liking her. She was always so desperate for it. Especially when it came to people in authority. She had always tried to kiss up to the teacher’s being called a teacher’s pet. It bothered Violet that many of her classmates didn’t like her, but she would rather have the teacher’s approval than her classmates. It was even something that Michael had teased her about. Violet just had to be accepted, and she was desperate for the approval of Michael’s family. The cab pulled to a stop in front of a nice looking house, and Violet stepped out of the cab. She turned and sweetly told him ‘Thank you so much,’ as she paid him and it was clear that such politeness was a rarity here. The cab drove away leaving Violet in front of the house alone. She took a deep breath, trying to get the courage she needed to go up and knock on the door, for the first time in a year and half almost, she was going to see Michael. She doubted he had changed that much in such a short amount of time. Could he? No, he couldn’t. He would be the same that he was as when he left. Things would pick up right where they left off. There relationship would fall right back in place and they’d continue as things had been before. The only difference would be the setting, and Violet could live with that.

Violet had dressed smartly for her trip. She was wearing a royal blue dress with a sheer overlay, that blew around the skirts with the wind. There was a dropped waist that was cinched just slightly, but still loose, in keeping with the current fashion. She wore an ivory coat that she hadn’t buttoned and she wore an ivory cloche hat. There was a wide collar lined in ivory lace.

Violet slowly walked up to the front door, taking her time as she did so. The butterflies were still swarming in her stomach, afraid of what would happen when she knocked on the door. She hoped that it was Michael who answered. After hearing of Polly Gray, Violet feared her, without having ever met her. Violet reached the front door before she was ready. She took a deep breath and knocked on the door. Time seemed to move slowly, too slowly for Violet’s liking. This felt like the three and a half hours that it was supposed to take for her to get to Small Heath from the village. The door opened up and Violet took another quick deep breath, getting much more nervous. She did so a little too quick and she ended up coughing a little.

“Christ, you look like you’re about to fall down,” said a woman.

Violet immediately looked up and a blush painted her pale cheeks. Violet hadn’t realized that she had become pale in all of her nervousness. The woman was short, shorter than Violet by about an inch, but she seemed to have such a commanding presence that it felt like she was towering over Violet. She had dark hair and dark eyes, and Violet guessed that this woman was Michael’s mother, Polly Gray. She was even more intimidating than Violet thought she would be. Violet stood still for a moment, her mouth hanging open. It took Violet a moment to realize, only doing so when she realized that the woman in front of her was looking at her expectantly. Violet shook her head slightly, and began speaking.

“Sorry, I’m fine,” said Violet, becoming flustered easily. “You must Henry-Michael, Michael’s mother. It’s a pleasure to meet you, Polly- sorry, Mrs. Gray. Or is it Ms. Gray?” Violet took a deep breath, before speaking again. “I’m sorry. I’m Violet Palmer. It’s a pleasure to meet you.”

The woman, Polly, Violet suspected, chuckled slightly. Violet calmed down slightly, becoming less tense. Still, Violet was nervous. She had just made a rambling introduction and she made herself look like a fool, and she was sure she would continue to do so.

“So you’re Michael’s Violet,” said Polly looking Violet up and down, trying to size her up. “You’re just about what I expected.”

“That’s good, I hope,” said Violet, nervously.

“It’s good,” Polly said, stepping out of the way. “Alright, in you get.”

Violet entered the house and looked around. It was nice, and while it wasn’t a mansion, it was still a larger than average home. She could see Michael living here and being happier than he was in the village. But then again, he might have felt more at home anywhere than the village.

“I hope that this isn’t an inconvenience,” said Violet.

“Not a bother at all,” said Polly. “Michael talks about you all the time.”

“Good things, I hope,” Violet said.

“Good things,” Polly confirmed. “Figured it’s time I finally met you.”

Violet felt much less tense, knowing that Polly wanted to meet her, and she was happy to know that Michael spoke of her. But she was still nervous. She wanted Michael’s family to like her. She hadn’t worried when it came to the Johnson’s. She had known them since she was a little girl. To her, there was little doubt that they would approve. But with Polly, she wasn’t so sure.

“Er, is Michael around?” Violet asked.

“He’ll be here soon,” said Polly. “In the meantime, I’ve put the kettle on. Let’s have a chat, hm?”

#peaky blinders #peaky blinders fanfic #peaky blinders fanfiction #peaky blinders imagine #michael gray #michael gray imagine #michael gray fanfiction #michael gray fanfic

[saltywritings]

Michael Langdon | Broken

Request;  Hey this is super personal & dark so I understand if you don’t want to do it. Young Michael Langdon x reader where he gets concerned about her because she suffers from severe ptsd from all kinds of abuse and is done with life and he ends up falling for her? Can it be emotional and romantic please? I’m going through something similar and it honestly sucks 

Warnings; Depression, Suicidal Thought, History of Abuse.

Word Count; 1,067

You were crumbling, breaking down at the very fabricated part of your life. Being here reminded you of how fucked up your life right now. You tried everything now. Anything to take the edge off from the life that you did not understand. Of the power within you that you could not control. Your father was a man of God, and even at the slightest sign that you had something inside of you; something evil as he would tell you, he would beat you. What was the worst part of this all? Maybe that it started when you were six, or how your own family and the church would shut you out? Or perhaps the fact you were so desperate to be accepted that you turned to the Satanist for approval and acceptance. It turned out that the powers you suppressed were accepted here. But, even for them you still were not good enough.

 They thought you petty when you flinched for them raising a hand, they thought you weak for any tear you would shed, and they thought you to be nothing more then someone who was expendable. At this point in your life you wondered why you were even still living. If you had any purpose here.

 The moment you had seen Michael you could feel something within you wake up, the spike of power fluctuating just by the sight of his strawberry blonde hair. However, he was the Anti-Christ, the bringer of the end times. You were simply a follower of his, you were not worthy to speak to him unless spoken too, let alone get to know him so that you could understand this burning feeling within you. How the power that even now you tried to suppress, came alive and dug itself out.

 It was Wednesday, potluck day as it was every other day. You stood passively in the back as the only thing you contributed was napkins. You were yet to have your black mass and were living from place to place. At this point you were looking for a reason to live at all, and simply the thought of killing someone only to late kill yourself was a bit off-putting at the moment. As by request you started to leave the area of the Anti-Christ, however, a voice called your name. “Y/N” it was new to your name, but not to your knowledge. Michael Langdon, the Anti-Christ himself was calling your name, and although you felt like an idiot you stood there frozen, turning your head a bit to look at him because you did not know what to do in this situation. You had gone as far as to convince yourself not to make eye contact with him, and now he was calling you by name.

 “Yes?” You finally asked, your hands brought together with a simple napkin in your hands.

 “Sit with me” Michael demanded this of you. You waited for a moment, feeling your heart beat from your chest as you timidly took steps closer to him, you reached for a chair across from him, but with what you could only describe as magic, a chair by his side pulled out, and he simply eyed it to show you that was where he wanted you to sit.

 Of course, you obeyed. “You’re not like the others” Michael said simply. Once again, someone had noticed a way that you did not fit in. This hurt you- he could tell it did, as you shifted your body and kept your eyes down on the red napkin that was locked between your fingers.

 “I’m sorry” You apologized, unsure on how else to respond, and in all honesty, a part of you was sorry that you were not like the others.

 “Don’t be” Michael insisted to you as he dropped his plastic spoon down and tore his gaze up to your eyes. For a moment you would get lost swimming in the light blue iris of his eyes. “You’re different, Y/N. Special. You’re not like them, you did not sign your soul over yet- and the power within you is growing within every second of me being here” Michael said. You looked to him confused, wondering how he had even known about that in the first place.

 However, before you even had the opportunity or the confidence to question him his hands moved to your arm, to the scars that were caused by others because you were different. Special as Michael would put it now. You flinched, and although did not mean to tear your arm away. Even his light touch on them brought back to many painful memories. “Y/N, it’s okay” Michael insisted, his soft voice flooding into your system. You relaxed and allowed his hand to move over the scars softly, in a way, it was comforting. To be touched, to be noticed, and to be accepted were all feelings you desired; desperately.

 Michael held your hand, skin to skin you touched, and held one another. You forgot who you were talking to, how the others would be scolded for making such advancements. But, you two were bound by something. . . something that neither of you could even begin to explain at this point. “You’re safe, Y/N” Michael said, it caught you off guard but the sound of his sweet voice, how it said your name, and most of all- how much comfort you were taking in the words of a stranger.

 “You are accepted- here with me, and you. . . you are not broken” Michael said, again his voice was soft, but this time it was also stern. As if to make sure that you understood his message. One tear ran down your face as he took his free hand and a thumb swept it away from your face, for the first time in a long time you trusted a man enough to touch you without even flinching. The reason Michael picked you out? You would never really know, you two were simply bounded to one another. But Michael could see through the thin acted you put on to seem as though you had things together. Simply, he was just as broken as you were. Yet, you gave him purpose.

 Therefore, after a long pause, and one of his soft hands placed on your face he spoke again; “. . . not when you’re with me”

#michael langdon #michael langdon imagine #michael langdon x reader #michael langdon headcanon #michael langdon angst #michael langdon fluff #american horror story #american horror story smut #american horror story headcanon #american horror story imagine #AHS #ahs apocalypse #ahs imagine

[moviegroovies]

oh god after last time i really did think i was done but i must have unlocked some new level of hell because here we go, here we go, lost boys hcs PART 3!!!!

so ummmmm michael... is sort of dumb. 

like, ok, specifically??? i think he’s got a higher than average emotional intelligence, but he’s just one of those kids who’s bad at school. there’s some hints of this in the movie: when michael is telling sam that he can’t tell lucy about the vampirism thing, sam’s line is that it’s “not like getting a D in school, mike!”, implying that hiding that kind of thing is something the two of them have been over before, and a deleted subplot has him repeatedly insisting to lucy that he’s going to drop out of school to get a job and help her pay for things.

tbh i think he’s got that classic “child of divorce” thing going on. he feels like a burden on sparse resources and can’t stand the thought of wasting his days in school, where he doesn’t even want to be. he wants to help his mom! he gets a job for he so he can do that! what a good, sweet boy!!!

hmmm. dyslexic michael, anyone? like, i was going to say that he was particularly vexed by math & science, but the more i think about it, the more i’m leaning toward him maybe just being disinterested in those subjects, even though they’re the ones he’s better at, while english and history (but particularly english) really piss him off because studying takes so goddamn long.

so he gets like, C+/B- in math and science, consistent C- in history, and wavers C- to D+ or even lower in english. 

he’s so polite to his teachers that they help him when they can though, especially because they know he’s trying so hard, but he’s just not entirely gifted at this sort of stuff. 

the worst is when he has to keep his grades up to stay eligible for sports--that pressure just makes everything seem so much worse.

i think michael plays some of everything. he’s like, some kind of guard on the football team, not particularly their star player or anything, but i think he’s also got a starter position on the basketball team, and he is the star pitcher on the baseball team. 

physical stuff just comes easier to him than academic stuff, you know?

his high school girlfriend was a cheerleader, but they weren’t that serious. she was a kind of preppy girl, a little vapid, and it felt to michael like they only really dated because they were supposed to. breaking up with her kind of led to michael’s attraction to star; he saw her on the boardwalk and she looked like she dressed for herself and she was outwardly enjoying her time at the concert--plus, you know, she’s really pretty.

he hates to admit it, but michael’s favorite classes in school were the home ec classes that his guidance counselor suggested he take. he took shop first, which was okay, but really, what he liked to do the most was the cooking and sewing shit. when he joins the lost boys, he kind of “takes over” these roles from star (who had been pressured into acting the mother for all these assholes who could be her great grandfathers, easily), and it turns out that he’s a lot better at that stuff than she is. 

guess he was always kind of training to be david’s bitch after all.

the guys stop ribbing on him once he shows them how he can fix their clothes and shit, though. goddamn assholes.

michael’s main circle of friends in highschool was made up of other jocks, and like with his girlfriend, they weren’t super close. he often got excluded from stuff because he would insist he couldn’t do something or other on account of his mom needing him home that night, or he would get pissed at them for making fun of sam. 

michael said family comes first, fuckers!

he did drink and smoke and shit like that back in phoenix when he knew he wouldn’t be missed at home, though. he’s not a goody two shoes, really, he just didn’t want to make things harder than they were for his mom. 

one day he did come home drunk, and he’ll never forget how upset lucy looked. he still doesn’t feel like he’s made that up to her. ouch.

one of the guys michael hung out with, probably the closest michael had to a “best friend” was a dude named declan who he’d known since elementary school. declan as the only one of the jock guys who didn’t really hold it against him when he’d skip out on stuff, and the only one he ever even thought about telling the divorce shit to, although in the end, he chickened out of actually doing it. 

like i said, they weren’t best friends or anything, but they could have been, y’know?

one of the less nice dudes in his group (probs one michael got in fights with often) started dating michael’s girlfriend about a week after he moved. michael wasn’t really pissed by the time he found out about that; he had way bigger problems to worry about by then.

there was a guy that michael saw around who was kind of a beatnik loner outcast and almost definitely a fag. he liked shakespeare and oscar wilde and probably drew pretty things in the margins of his notebook, and the guys that michael hung out with trashed on him pretty much constantly. michael himself, however, had kind of a thing for the guy: he thought he was cool and would ask when he could to see what he was working on.

you know how michael acted around star at the very beginning of their association? that’s pretty much how he was around this dude. local bi disaster is bi.

the guy (i was going to say fuck it and name him after the guy who i’m sort of basing him on from peggy sue got married, but guess what my fucking luck is, that dude’s name is michael. jfc. let’s call him charlie) thought michael was just there to make fun of him like the others did, but he eventually, he might have come around to trusting that mike really was just interested in his art. 

maybe they made out or something before charlie eventually pushed back against him because he didn’t want to get fucking murdered by michael’s friends for making him queer if they got caught 

michael always felt like he should have pushed harder to have some sort of relationship with charlie, but once he moves to santa carla, there’s no use in thinking about it anymore.

unlike michael, sam did have a close circle of friends at school, even though he wasn’t as classically “popular” as his brother. 

it was probs this reason that made him take the move a lot harder than his brother did.

sam, also unlike michael, was/is really good at school. he’s super skilled at memorizing dates & facts (just look at him rattle off semi-obscure superman trivia lol), and pretty talented at writing to boot. he doesn’t like math as much, but if he works at it, it comes to him pretty quickly. 

gifted kid perks™

being that everything came easy to sam, and that he didn’t do any sports like michael did, he had a lot of downtime to read books and comics, keep up w/ pop culture, and hang out with his nerdy friends who liked to do the same. he was even in a d&d group

his character was an elf rogue.

it’s about gay rights

re: sports, it’s not that sam couldn’t be athletic, just that he didn’t ever really want to be. he used to do little league to be like michael and as a concession to his father, but really, he was always put in the outfield, and at the end of the day he would just rather read or watch tv than stand out in the hot sun playing this game he didn’t care about.

when they were little, michael trained himself to get better at reading so that he could read stuff to sam when their parents were fighting or their mom was away. he remembered how his parents (in better times) had read to him, and he knew it made sam feel better, so he put aside his difficulties and discomfort to read to his brother before bed.

the easiest things to read for him were comic books (he had some batmans and supermans and even a few wonder womans, although it wasn’t all superhero stuff. he also had richie rich and, of course, archies), which kind of sparked sam’s love for them--they were something he shared with his brother. <3

i’m thinking sam’s nerd club was the prototypical “mostly boys who never talked to a girl in their lives” type thing, but at the same time i’d like to imagine that at least one of them had a pretty brash (and nerdy) sister who pushed her way into the club, winning their respect by doing what sam did to frog brothers, only with star wars lore.

also, i’m kind of picturing a shy girl from their school who sam takes under his wing when she’s getting bullied, only to find out that she’s really into that stuff too.

she’s part of their d&d campaign; she plays a badass orc barbarian woman and consistently has the best luck with the dice. 

the girl is almost definitely a lesbian, but sam asks her to homecoming and stuff like that so that they’ll both have dates; they’re basically each other’s beards. 

Gay Rights.

one of the only ways michael could ever really relate to his dad was when they played baseball and the dad taught him Sports™ things, so sam not being at all interested in that stuff made him kind of a disappointment. even still (or maybe for that reason), michael was always the mama’s boy, while sam spent a long time desperate for his dad’s approval.

maybe bc michael and lucy tried really hard to protect him from just how shitty their dad really was, to be honest.

speaking of michael and sam’s dad, i’ve been doing a lot of thinking about him, and now i’ve got Opinions. 

contrary to what i guess is the general fandom consensus (at least from what i’ve seen? but my scope might not be that big regarding this character, so if i’m wrong, i’m wrong lol) regarding the dad, i can’t see him being particularly abusive physically. 

however, given how sweet and agreeable lucy is, i get a sense that there must have been something REALLY insurmountable in their relationship to make her decide that divorce was the only option. the way i see it, michael and sam’s father started as one of those anti-establishment punks who eventually grew up and just... snapped back the other way entirely to end up as the establishment himself. 

main justification for this is that scene w/ michael and star; he doesn’t just refer to his mother being an ex-hippie, he refers to his folks. plus, i mean, there must have been something about the man that endeared him to lucy, right?

so, over the course of their marriage, the guy goes from being a radical dreamer type with maybe some kind punk rock aspirations to being like.... reagan’s “moral majority.” 

he starts totally stomping down his old dreams and, in the process, mocking lucy for holding onto anything from their past (you know how she told sam part of the reason she divorced him was that “he never believed in the closet monster”? that was a symptom tbh). i imagine that this, in itself, was soul crushing, but what was really the last straw was when he started in on michael and sam: getting mad and telling michael that he wasn’t going to make it in the MLB and that he had to get his shitty grades up if he wanted to amount to anything (only making him hate school even more lbr), and openly disliking sam’s rejection of sports and stuff in favor of his comic books and MTV.

before the end, i think michael got in a lot of fights with his dad when he’d make passive-aggressive comments at sam for not being enough of a man. 

who made you the fucking authority on that, huh?

if he was ever actually physically violent with anyone, it was probably michael during these fights, or mayyyybe even lucy when she’d step in.

eventually, something just tips lucy’s goddamn scales, and she snaps and goes out right then and there to file for divorce. they never saw the point in signing a prenup or anything back then, y’know, so without really fighting for it, lucy wasn’t going to get anything in the divorce. 

she doesn’t. they leave arizona with just about the clothes on their backs.

if anyone actually fought against the divorce proceedings, honestly i think it was the dad. he had this idea of his respectable nuclear family, and, even though he was basically an emotionally neglectful POS to his sons, he hated the idea of his wallstreet suit-type coworkers coming to know that his home life was anything less than perfect. 

as a last ditch effort, he probably tried to win lucy back at the very last minute, even twisting her arm in an attempt to get her to stay for the boys’ sake, but he clearly no longer knows what attracted her to him in the first place, and the “effort” just makes her sad.

in her mind, she’s already gone by then, you know?

finally, he just ives up and signs the divorce papers. for a hot second it really fucks him up; he goes in to work unshaven and haggard, he’s back to eating like a bachelor, his heart isn’t in what he’s doing. this isn’t about grief over losing his family, though, is the shitty thing. not really. instead, he’s just dealing with uncertainty over how to remake his image. 

unfortunately, that’s about as much karma as their dad gets. by the time lucy, sam, and michael are gone for good, he finds it’s easiest to just pretend that they never happened. lucy didn’t demand it, but he sends the occasional bare bones childcare check in the mail and feels like he’s the goddamn father of the year or something, and meanwhile, he remarries a woman that’s both younger and more conservative than lucy, sooner or later fathering a son with her.

lucy isn’t cruel; she doesn’t want the boys to be totally cut off from their father, and even though they both pretty clearly sided with her in the divorce she offers him visitation rights and partial custody (saying that they could stay with him at least every summer and for whatever other holidays he wanted), but he mostly rejects this. 

when the boys try to call him to ask, he gives them a noncommittal answer about them maybe visiting next summer, after they’ve all gotten settled in. 

they pretty much stop calling after that. 

remember how i said michael has an above-average emotional intelligence? he’s definitely the one who helps lucy through the divorce the most. he picks up on the signals she sends about when she needs help and when she needs space, and chides sam for pushing her too hard every now and then.

sam, on the other hand, is definitely a good kid who cares about his mom a lot, but he’s a little more selfish and has a harder time acting like he’s got no problem leaving phoenix for her. the only real fights the two of them get into before all the vampire mess are centered around sam not being sympathetic enough to lucy and michael getting onto him for it.

i think that their dad might end up being a much better father and husband for his new family, and when the eventually visit him long enough to realize this, michael and sam... aren’t sure what to think.

like, they’re glad he’s not repeating the same mistakes he made before, but it’s not fair, is it? to see your little half-brother get the father you always wanted but never got. 

their new stepmom is a sweet lady, though. she really does want to try and welcome sam and michael into the family. sam, michael, and their dad all try, but in the end they find it uncomfortable, and the boys know it’s just a facade on all sides to make her happy. 

everyone is a little bit relieved when the boys just give up and go back to santa carla. 

when michael meets the lost boys (& subsequently learns about dwayne’s past with jasper and, you know, the total boner david has for him, and oh yeah, the fact that these guys are kind of universally gay asf), his only experience with gay shit had been his closeted fumbling with charlie and like, negative stereotypes from media, so he’s kind of amazed by these totally queer dudes who just... take no shit. 

like, he gets challenged to a motorcycle race and their leader doesn’t back down at all from the fight michael tries to incite, they take him back to drink and hang out in a semi-nasty man cave. these dudes aren’t what he expects from fags at all (they’re not sissies, and that’s kind of the end of his knowledge about the gay community at that time lol), and he just doesn’t... know what to think about them.

he kind of wants to be them.

like, you know how immediately after seeing them for the first time, michael buys himself a leather jacket and goes to get his ear pierced? there’s a reason for that, babes!

in other news, michael is a cancer and there’s nothing y’all can do about it.

i mean, i have Evidence behind my theory but also i’m just right.

but like, going back to that scene with michael and star again, when he’s introducing himself, you know how he tells her that he was nearly named moonbeam or moonchild or something like that? well, another name for cancers that i’ve seen is moonchildren, after the way cancer is ruled by the moon (and bc the term “cancer” itself has some... other connotations).

in conclusion, lucy really was That Bitch sgdfhghdh

#the lost boys #michael emerson #sam emerson #text post #headcanons #sdfhgh the other ones of these i did i tried to spread shit out between the characters more but here i am #just absolutely MICHAEL POSTING ON MAIN #wait this isn't main #that's alright then #god it's just that. i love him? #also i have no idea where the absolute swarm of ocs that turned up in this post came from but they just kind of... felt right. yknow? #me: gets into the lost boys #me: i hope this doesn't... awaken anything in me

[nerdylittleshit]

Thoughts about Spn 14x07

BEWARE! SPOILERS AHEAD!

Ugh, what an episode. Alternative title: Tears in my porridge (I was watching it during breakfast). There was a lot going on, in both storylines, though my brief interest in Nick that I had in 14x02 vanished again. There were again lots of parallels, and lots to speculate about regarding future storylines. The character moments were again the strength of the episode, whereas the actual plot unfortunately follows well known pattern.

But, as always, let’s take a closer look.

“And even if it wasn't you it was still you.”

So Nick. This is basically a continuation of where 14x02 ended, making his storyline this season so far entirely BuckLemming’s toy, who seem also the only ones enjoying still writing about him. Nick is still obsessed with the murder of his family and by now he has developed an actual need to kill. The murder of the padre in the teaser didn’t happen in affect, not the way the victim was arranged. The encounter with the young woman was only there to remind us of Nick’s new taste for blood. Unlike his other victims she was in no way related to his family and that was the only thing that saved her in the end. Frank Kellog was always going to die, even though Nick understood that he wasn’t to blame. But we learn who had killed Nick’s family, destroying the theory Nick had done it himself, and that he was already a monster before Lucifer made him one. And with this everything that he is doing now is painted as an after-effect of Lucifer’s possession. But also as Lucifer being the one who set him free, and the believe that they are bonded. So even if Nick didn’t kill his own family, it suggests that he had the potential to become a killer all along, and that that might be the reason Lucifer chose him. Which is a big parallel to 7x15 and Jeffrey and his demon. (Which back then was a dark mirror to Dean & Cas, who of course have their very own bond)

There were some heavy parallels to John as well. Nick admits that he was drunk the night his family was murdered; John had passed out (assumingly drunk) on the sofa the night Mary died. Both got obsessed with the murder of their loved ones and getting revenge, believing that once their families get justice their personal demons will disappear. Echoes of John had been all over the season so far, and we see them as well in the Dean & Jack storyline of this episode. Which makes me quite sure we will see John return in one way or another (maybe episode 300). Not that I’m looking forward to it, because as by now you should all know my feelings about John.

We also learn about Abraxas, who apparently had killed Nick’s family. Which would lead to the question: Why? To get Nick to the point where he would say “yes” to Lucifer? Was he acting on Lucifer’s orders?

And again the nature between angel and vessel is questioned. Nick still kills Kellog, because even it wasn’t him it was still him. He still remembers what Lucifer did with his body and feels bonded to him. And Dean still blames himself for everything Michael did.

I am not very pleased to see Lucifer potentially resurrected. I am more than done with his storyline, and the only way it would make sense is if they tie it together with Jack’s storyline, with Lucifer’s grace being what he needs to get cured. But really, I don’t want to. I am so, so, so, sooooooooooooooo tired of Lucifer.

“What did you say your relationship is to the patient?”

And now to a lot of heartbreak. And sadness. Welcome to Supernatural.

I found their trip to the hospital so interesting because we hardly ever see them there. Ever since Cas became part of the family he usually heals them, but Cas can’t help this time and it shows their desperation when they think human doctors can. And then it is a visit to reality from their own little universe, because both Sam and Dean are legally dead and Cas and Jack aren’t even human. A place like a hospital seems so strange because they don’t belong in it. And then it is mostly Sam who answers the questions, Dean being to shocked. Sam who gives Jack his family name (and for a moment I thought Dean would say “Winchester”), who remembers his date of birth (which was also the day they lost Mary and Cas). Sam remains cool in a way Dean can’t, which reminds me also of the time Bobby was in a hospital (and then he died).

They soon realize that nobody there can help Jack and they return to their world and Dean admits that he had been worried about Jack ever since he became human, but that he also thought Jack might get hurt/killed during a hunt. He didn’t consider that Jack could get ill, because that is not how hunters usually die. Which reminded me a bit of Buffy and how her mother died, because in a world full of mothers it had seem utterly mundane, and left her so helpless, because it wasn’t just another monster she could kill.

I love that Rowena immediately came when she thought Dean was in danger, which tells a lot about her relationship with him and the Winchesters in general. And yeah, Rowena did know before about Jack, but she never met him and nobody can blame her for suspecting he is just like his father. And it takes one minute of Jack talking to her and she melts. The Nougat-effect.

I also found it interesting what Rowena told us about Jack – that, as a Nephilim, he is an unnatural thing. He wasn’t meant to be and yet he is still here. And what makes him special is in the end necessary for his survival. Kelly was instinctively right about her son – without his grace he is no longer himself. Which could be read as a metaphor for other “special” children – that if you take away from them what makes them special or to some maybe unnatural they are no longer themselves – or in Jack’s case they even start to die. There are some who read Jack as autistic, and he has always been labelled as other, from both humans and angels.

Cas on the other hand is willing to give up his grace in a heartbeat if it could save Jack. Cas no longer cares about his grace or his angelhood. He is ready to give it up to save his newfound family.

So, let’s talk a bit about Dean and Jack. Dean, on some level, understands what Jack is going through. He remembers that many moons ago he had only one year left to live and that he wanted to make the most out of it, so he doesn’t argue with Jack there. He understands that Jack needs this. But of course he also looks at Jack from a father’s perspective, because that is closest to describe their relationship. And Dean knows about losing a child – he had raised Sam after all, who nearly died while doing the trials to close hell. So Dean gets it, from every angle, but it is still different, perhaps in the way Jack responds to Dean. Because Sam never saw Dean as his father and only realized as an adult how much Dean had done for him. But Jack adores Dean, he wants his approval, he wants to be like Dean. And so Dean does what he wanted his father to do with him: he lets Jack drive, gives him the responsibility for his most treasured possession, and with that he marks him as a man, as an equal. But Jack shows that he does understand Dean as well – Dean might never said that the memory of his father fishing with him was his happiest memory of him, but Jack understood it anyway. That life is about the time you spend together, something John so rarely did with his sons, but that Dean gets. As I said the echo of John is all over the season, but it is interesting to see how the villain of the episode (Nick) resembles John so much, whereas John’s own son tries to become a better father than him.

I don’t know what to make of Sergei and if we ever see him again (trying to collect his favour?), but the cure felt too easy (he coincidentally had some archangel grace) to work (also, there were still 4 minutes left of the episode). So does Jack need different archangel grace? That of Lucifer? Or his own grace? The fact that his life is at risk is a huge potential for one or all Winchester to make a dumb decision to save him.

And then of course there is Dean zoning out twice, and I think both times were when they talked about Jack and a cure for him. Was Michael able to listen through him? How is he connected to Jack?

Only time can tell. Until then <3

#supernatural #spn 14x07 #unhuman nature #spn meta #my meta #spoilers

[jetrafied]

#77 for the fluff asks? For Jetra?

Janealways thought she had a handle on love. It had been the focus of herlife for as long as she could remember, when her mother andgrandmother stuck her between them on the couch to watch telenovelas,when Jane herself could barely hold her own head up. The centraltheme of telenovelas was love, that meant-to-be aspect of it all;that one person who was meant for them. And it was all Jane wanted inher life. She was going to get married, have two or three kids, andlive a long, long life with that person.

Obviously,things change and life is not a telenovela (despite the fact her lifeoften felt like one). Michael was that person, that meant-to-beperson. Her romance with him seemed like everything she imagined aromance to be.

Except,Adam seemed to be that person before Michael. He was the love herlife and he seemed meant to be. Until he left and Jane didn’t see himuntil a decade later. And then during Michael, Jane fell in love withRafael when she accidentally got pregnant with his baby. Then Rafaelfelt meant-to-be, because of the baby and at the time Rafael seemedperfect. Jane knows better now.

Then shemarried Michael, he died, and Jane was forced to reevaluate when itmeant to have a true love. After some time it felt like she couldmove on and Rafael seemed like the best option. Now, wording it likethat seems like Jane was settling on Rafael. She wasn’t. She did carefor him and it made sense for them to be together, mainly because ofMateo, who so desperately wanted his parents to be together.

Oh, andthen Michael turned out to be actually alive, and Rafael had keptthis a secret for longer than he should have. Jane decided it wastime to officially move on.

She alsodecided to not focus on love anymore. At least for now. She had abook to write.

For a fewmonths it was going well, Jane didn’t really miss being in arelationship and her book was coming along nicely. It started withAlba and Mateo coming to America, Xiomara’s birth, Jane’s birth, andeverything that followed. Every crazy little detail. Jane had tochange very little. She had a handle on the things involving herfamily, but she wanted to get some more info for her secondarycharacters. Her favorite being a certain blonde whose life alonecould probably fill a book or two.

She gavethat blonde a call.

“Petra,hey, are you doing anything?”

Jane heardrustling of paper before Petra said, “no. Why?”

“I’mwriting and I want to talk about some things. I wanted to know if youwanted to come over.”

Petrapaused, then Jane heard another voice on Petra’s end, then she saidin a very controlled manner, “yes, I would like to come over.”

Petra wasso funny about the way she talked to Jane sometimes. When they werealone, Petra was very affectionate, but in front of people, Petra wasextremely awkward. It was sort of cute.

Janesmiled into the phone. “Great. Is six okay?”

Petraconfirmed it was fine. Jane couldn’t stop smiling for a few minutes.She made herself stop and get Mateo ready to go over to Rafael’s.Mateo had take a little while to accept his parents not beingtogether, in fact, he blamed Jane at first, thinking it was becauseof her. Luckily Rafael set him straight and let Mateo be angry withhim for a while. The six-year-old had mostly gotten over it.

“Are yousure you don’t want to come too, Mommy?” Mateo asked in hissweetest voice.

Jane gaveher son a gentle smile and crouched down to his level. “Mateo,honey, we talked about this.”

Mateosighed and nodded. “Okay.”

Janekissed him on the forehead. “I love you and your father loves you,okay?”

“Okay.”

Rafaelcame a few minutes later and rather than stare sullenly at him—whichhe had been doing for the past month—Mateo flew into his father’sarms. Rafael beamed. He gave Mateo a quick hug before patting him onthe back.

“Whydon’t you get in the car, Mateo. The twins are already in there.”

When Mateowas gone, Rafael gave Jane a look. Not a mean look, just a look.

“…What?”

“Petra’scoming over?”

“Yeah,how’d you know?” Jane asked.

“I wasin her office when you called.”

That’s whyPetra was being weird on the phone. “Yeah, I want to talk to herbefore I start putting her stuff in the book. Why are you looking atme like that?”

Rafaelshrugged. “It’s just, it’s the first time I’ve seen her reallysmile since she and JR broke up.”

Jane’slips started to curl up, but she forced them back down. “Oh?”

“She’sbeen really down, so it’s nice to see her so happy.”

Jane wasfailing miserably at not smiling and she didn’t know why it wasmaking her so happy. “That’s good to hear.”

“Anyway,I’m taking the kids miniature golfing. Have fun with Petra!” Hecalled out as he walked out the door.

Petra wasa difficult person to get to smile and it always felt like a specialhonor to get her to smile. Laughing was the next step, it was likeexpert level of friendship. But as for the smiling, Jane didn’t knowwhat she did to make Petra smile. All she did was ask her to comeover.

Eitherway, Petra showed up shortly after, a notebook in hand. Jane pointedat it and looked at her questioningly.

“Iwanted to be sure you didn’t leave anything out,” Petra explained.“So I made a list of the stuff that’s happened since I’ve knownyou.”

Jane put ahand to her chest. “A woman after my own heart. Making a list.”

Petra gaveher a funny look before crossing the room and sitting down on thecouch. “I was pretty excited when you told me about this book,Jane. Not just because I would be in it. Your family has a richhistory and I think it’ll be a good thing to write about.”

“It’salready starting to look long, because there’s so much to writeabout. I’m going way back, when my abuela was young.”

Jane satbeside Petra. Petra crossed her arms and leaned into the couch.“Well, if you need to cut my parts, that’s fine.”

“Please,Petra, you’re almost as important as my family. I mean, you are myfamily.”

Petralooked away from Jane for moment, then cleared her throat and lookedback. “You want to get started?”

Janepulled out her laptop and put it on top of her legs. “Okay, so I’mgoing to start with a brief history of you. Just so the readers get asense of who you are.”

“Youmean we’re not going to start just when you knew me?”

“Well,that’s what it will mostly be. But there might be some of yourhistory in there– oh, I see.”

Janeremembered that Petra was not born Petra Andel. She was bornNatalia… Something. Petra never told Jane her original last name,and Jane never asked. Petra had gone as far as to steal the identityof a dead girl, the original Petra Andel, so Jane figured Petradidn’t want that  to get out.

“Okay, Iwon’t bring up your real name. Just that you were born in the CzechRepublic and raised by a single mother, never met your father, andcame to Florida in your early-20’s. Married Lachlan, then marriedRafael…”

When Janelooked over at Petra, she was sneering.

“What?”Jane asked.

“You’rereally going to dredge up all of that, aren’t you?”

“What?Who you married?”

Petragrunted. “I don’t like to be reminded of the stupid mistakes Imade.”

“Petra,I have some news for you,” Jane said, clapping a hand onto Petra’sknee. “If I’m going to write about you, the stupid mistakes youmade are going to be brought up.”

BeforePetra could start to protest—because she definitely was goingto—Jane added, “you know, some of those mistakes ended up beingreally good. I wouldn’t have Mateo if you hadn’t had that rash ideato inseminate yourself. Then you wouldn’t have the girls if youdidn’t try it again.”

Petrahalf-snorted, half-laughed, meaning Jane was right. Jane smiled ather. Then she realized her hand was still on Petra’s knee. Shepaused, for just a second, before pulling away.

“Anyway…let’s get started. So, we met when I accidentally got pregnant withRafael’s baby and at the time, I thought you and Raf were still inlove with each other, so I was going to give the baby to you.”

Petrasquinted. “I forgot about that… Remember when I showed you thenursery, and you cried?”

“Ididn’t cry.”

“Youcried, because you loved it, and I remember feeling…” Petra wentquiet. “Happy, because I wanted your approval.”

“Youknow, that’s funny…” Jane said, laughing lightly. “When I firstmet you, I felt like I wanted your approval. I needed it. You weregoing to be the mother of my baby.”

“Whenyou say it like that it sounds like…” Petra cleared her throat,then looked down at the laptop screen. “Anyway, so, we had a lot ofups and downs.”

“That’san understatement,” Jane said. “It was a lot of weird littlecircumstances that brought us closer.”

“Really,really weird. A lot of them self-imposed. By me.”

“Iwouldn’t change any of it. Well, most of it. There’s some things Iwish didn’t happen.”

Aftertalking for a couple minutes, Jane felt like she had something so shestarted writing. Petra watched quietly, looking over her shoulder.The only sound was the tapping of the keys, the ticking of the clockon the wall, and Petra breathing into Jane’s ear.

“Isthere any romance in this?” Petra asked after about fifteenminutes.

“Well,it was going to be Rafael, but, you know.”

Petraclicked her tongue. “Sorry.”

“No,it’s fine. Romance isn’t really the focus. I mean, it is, because Italk about my grandparents’ romance, then my parents’.”

“Andyour’s?”

Janestared at the computer screen and chuckled sardonically. “I guessthat part isn’t written yet.”

“Isn’tyour whole thing romance?”

Janelooked back at Petra. “It isn’t all romance.”

“Aren’tyou a self-professed romance author?”

She was,Petra was right, but she didn’t need Petra to nitpick right now. Ormaybe she did. “Regardless, I can focus on other things.”

“What’sthe endgame of this book?”

“Excuseme?” Jane asked this in a much sharper tone than she meant to,causing Petra to lean away from Jane and blink at her.

“Thatseemed like a reseasonable question. How does this book end?”

Janestrummed her fingers along the keyboard. It was a reasonablequestion, but she didn’t know and it annoyed her. It wasn’t the firsttime she didn’t know how to end a book, but there was something aboutthis that was bothering her. Her book about Michael was similar, butit was something she used to cope with a tragic loss. Well, what wasa loss at the time. But this was a generational story, about love andfamily. Romance was part of it, but not the only part.

“I don’tknow,” Jane answered honestly.

“Youcould’ve said that before.”

“Sorry.It’s just, I usually like the plan ahead but because this is so closeto my own life, I guess I was just waiting and seeing what happened.Plus, I haven’t been prioritizing romance that much lately, andthat’s been great, but…” Jane sighed. “I don’t know. I guess Ipushed it to the back of my mind.”

“Maybejust keep writing and let the writing happen on its own. You’re agood writer, I’m sure it’ll come to you eventually.”

Petralooked back at the screen and Jane found herself studying Petra’sprofile for a few seconds before looking back at the computer aswell. So, she kept writing. Petra offered suggestions here and there,but ultimately remained quiet. Sometimes Jane forgot Petra wassitting next to her as she found a flow.

A lot ofstuff that she and Petra went through together was being brought up,some good, some bad, and Jane realized they really had been gonethrough it together. It was amazing they were still friends, but theywere even closer than they had always been.

“We knoweach other really well,” Jane said after some time when she got toa certain book in her writing. “But I’m sorry I thought Anezka wasyou when she was paralyzed. I thought I knew you better than that.”

Petradidn’t say anything and when Jane turned to look at her, found thatPetra was looking at her very instensely.

“…What?”

“Youknew?”

“Knewwhat?”

Petrasighed. “Jane, only Rafael knows this, because I told him, but thatwas me. I was paralyzed.”

Theomission hung in the air. She knew that Anezka was bad, but shedidn’t realize she was that bad. Anezka, or Petra, rather, had beenparalyzed for several months. That was actually Petra, trapped inthat bed while Anezka pretended to be her.

“Oh,Petra.”

Petracontinued to stare at her, her eyes wide. “You knew. Not evenRafael knew. You figured it out.”

Jane wasstarting to feel uncomfortable from Petra’s hard gaze so she lookedback down at the computer. “I guess I do know you,” she saidawkwardly.

“Jane.”

Janeignored Petra and kept writing. Or tried to, but she knew Petra wasstill staring at her. She felt her eyes on her, boring into her.

“Jane,”Petra repeated, her voice raising in pitch.

“Do youbelieve in fate, Petra?” Jane asked, finally looking at Petra, butshe wished she hadn’t. Petra’s face was unusually soft. Then, shelooked taken aback by the question.

“Romance-wise?”

“Sure.”

Petrasighed. “I used to. I actually used to be a very romantic person.But after years of bad relationships, well, it’s hard to. And withJR, I was starting to believe in it again, but I fucked that up.”Petra smiled, but there was no joy in it. In fact, Jane could seetears start to spring up in the corners of her eyes.

“Petra…”

Janestarted to lean towards Petra, to offer some comfort, but Petraleaned away and pointed at Jane’s computer screen. “Can I see whatyou’ve written so far?”

Jane justnodded and turned the screen towards Petra. Rather than take it fromJane, Petra leaned in, very close, towards Jane, peering at thescreen. Petra stared at the computer very intently and Jane watchedher face, watched as Petra’s eyes moved back and forth, watched as aslight smile spread across her mouth. Jane also noted Petra waswearing perfume; Petra always did but Jane never really took notice,until right now. It was subtle, more of a slight powdery smell. Themore Jane came aware of how close Petra was, the warmer her facefelt.

“It’sreally good, Jane,” Petra finally said. “I think you’ve reallycaptured me. And us.”

“It’s avery complicated relationship.”

“That’san undertatement,” Petra said, smiling even more than before. Thenshe smiled dropped suddenly. “I’m sorry for all the stupid shitI’ve put you through, Jane. The baby stuff, Anezka, my mother, all ofit.”

“Petra,”Jane said slowly. “Yes, it was stupid shit, but I don’t know whereyou and I would be without that stupid shit. It brought us together,like–”

“Fate.”

Janeswallowed. Petra looked back down at the computer screen, lookinglike she regretted saying that. “Yes, maybe it is,” Jane said.

The pullto move even closer to Petra was suddenly stronger, like somethingwas so obvious to Jane now, despite not seeing it before. She knewPetra could see it too, but she had to say it, even if it messedeverything up. Their relationship already was strange, not like anyother relationships she’s had before—romantic or platonic. She hadto say it.

“I thinkwe’re meant for each other, Petra.”

It hung,heavily, but Jane did not look away from Petra. If Petra just got upand left, Jane would understand, really. But she didn’t. She satthere. Then, she took the computer from Jane’s lap and gently placedit on the floor. She turned fully towards Jane and looked at her,hard, her large, blue eyes, wide. Petra moved towards Jane and Janethought she was going to kiss her, but instead, Petra hugged her.Whenever Petra hugged Jane when she really meant it, she puteverything into a hug. And Jane always melted into them. Their bodiesjust fit together.

“I loveyou, Jane,” Petra whispered. “In many ways.”

“I loveyou too, Petra. In many ways.”

There wasno kiss. Instead, Petra pressed her forehead to Jane’s, like when shegave birth to the twins. It was as intimate, or more so, thananything Jane could think of it. Perhaps they would kiss later, butright now, they didn’t need to. Everything was being said in thesesimple actions. It was the first time Jane felt like she didn’t needto kiss the other person to prove her love for them.

Theystayed like that for several minutes. Then Jane started chuckling.

“What?”Petra asked.

“I thinkI might know how to end my book.”

#this ended up being more emotional than i expected but all my jetra feels started to come out #Anonymous

[maximoff-pan]

Having a Child With Steve Harrington Would Include:

You would have met each other in high school, becoming really close friends towards the end of your junior year, carrying into your senior year

You had known each other since kindergarten but you never had gotten along as kids: you thinking he was a giant asshole, and him thinking at the time that he was too cool to associate with you and that you would ‘ruin his image.’

Boy were the two of you wrong about each other

You didn’t start dating until you were about 19 and starting college/university

The two of you knew even before hand that you loved each other but were both too afraid to admit it, terrified that it would ruin the friendship you had worked really hard on developing

You never really approved of Steve’s relationship with Nancy

To be honest, most of it was underlying jealousy that you didn’t even know you had, but you could also tell that she didn’t really love him

You knew Jonathan really well so you could see how fast the two were falling for each other

You helped Steve through his break up with Nancy and your friendship continued to grow and grow

Fast forward 8 years later and at the age of 25 you found out that you were pregnant

You and Steve had been dating for 5 years when he proposed when you were both 24

Telling him about the pregnancy had you really excited

You knew he’d be extremely excited, seeing as how much he loved kids and how many times he had told you that he wanted a house full of children with you

As expected, he leaped with joy, picking you up and spinning you around

“I’m going to be a father.”

“You’re going to be a father Steve.”

“Oh my god (Y/n). We’re going to be parents.” He’d point to himself and then you, “We. Are. Going. To. Be. Parents.”

You don’t think you’ve ever seen him this excited

During the pregnancy, he is always there for you

To be honest, at some points you just wanted to wring his neck

“Steve! I’m pregnant, not dying. I can tie my shoes by myself.”

“I know that, but I just want to do everything I possibly can because you deserve better than I can give you. I mean, what if I screw up with our kid (Y/n)? I love kids, but my parents were never there for me. How am I supposed to be there for my own child if I don’t know how to be?”

“Steve. I’ve watched you with Dustin, with El, with Mike and Will, with Lucas and Max, and I’ve never seen someone do a better job than you. Together, we were kickass babysitters, and together, we will be kickass parents.”

A smile would grow in his face, beginning to beam with happiness and reassurance

“What would I do without you?”

“Probably not survive, but you’ll never have to worry about that ‘cause you’re stuck with me.”

You and Steve bond even more towards the end of your pregnancy, and when you go into labour, Steve goes into full on dad mode

“Get the fuck out of the way asshole. My wife is having our baby.”

“Steve, just drive!”

“I’m trying sweetie, if this MORON WOULD’VE JUST FUCKING MOVED,” he’d honk the horn and give the guy the finger as he passed him, “then we’d be there already. Jesus people are SO inconsiderate.”

When you finally get to the hospital, you are wheeled into a room

Steve didn’t complain once about how hard you were gripping his hand, or how loud you screamed into his ear

He’d be so encouraging

“I love you (Y/n), keep going.”

You end up unexpectedly having twins: one boy and one girl

Steve is shocked but elated none the less

“How the hell did the doctor miss this?”

“They’re so adorable. Twice the amount to love.” You’d coo happily

You’re so exhausted holding your daughter as Steve holds your son.

“What do you think about Elle Maxine Harrington?

“I love it (Y/n/n). I really love it! Oh! What about William Michael Harrington for this little guy. After Will and your father.”

“I love it Steve.”

“Welcome to the world Elle and Will. Your mother and I already love you so much.”

As you expected, two babies means twice the trouble

For the first six months neither of you slept at all

But as the twins began to grow more and more, they began sleeping better, and so did you and Steve

As they got older, the kids (not really kids anymore) would come visit often

El was fascinated and almost started crying when she heard that you had named your daughter after her

Will did start crying

“Guys this is so sweet. I don’t know what to say.”

Dustin was kind of miffed that your son wasn’t named after him and complained that your daughter wasn’t named Dustina, that was until you told him that he got the position of being their god father

“Are you shitting me? I get to be their god father? That’s the best news I’ve ever gotten.”

Dramatic times 1 million

He’d wrap you both in a huge hug. “I love you guys. Just you wait until I have kids and you will be their godparents.”

“Don’t get ahead of yourself there Dusty.”

As the kids grow older, they become really mischievous

They grow up with Nancy and Jonathan’s son who is six months older than the twins

“Mom! Dad! When can we go visit aunt Nancy and Uncle Jonathan?”

You just saw them this afternoon!“

"But-”

Steve would intervene. “That is not happening, and don’t talk back to your mother.”

“Yes dad.”

Weekend visits to play in the park

Your daughter loves to play soccer and your son really loves hockey and baseball

Steve desperately wanted to teach your kids to play basketball but neither one of them were interested

On their first day of school, Steve cries

“Honey they’re coming home in six hours.”

“They just grow up so fast.”

“But, we have six hours alone, together.”

“You’re right.” He smirks. “Why is my wife such a genius?”

You’d smile at him laughing your ass off, “It just comes with the whole package.”

Steve would want to expand your family when the twins start school

He really wants another baby to take care of

It would start as he came downstairs from putting the kids to sleep, you sitting on the couch reading

He’d sit down next to you getting himself together to start the conversation. He would try to strike up a conversation about when the twins were babies thinking he was being very subtle when: “I want another baby.”

Steve was shocked. You took the words out of his mouth and it’s why he loves you so much

“You want another baby?”

“Yes.”

“I was just about to ask you about having another kid. I think we’re ready.”

“I know you were 'Mr. King of Subtlety.’ But I agree, I think we’re ready to expand our wonderful family.”

A year later and you have another daughter: Lily Harrington

Will and Elle immediately adore her

They’re both seven and able to help take care of her

“Mom! The baby’s crying.”

“Hold on Lily! Momma’s coming.”

The twins really hate diaper duty but because they love you so much, they comply anyway

As the years go on, Steve only falls more in love with you.

By the time Lily is 3 you and Steve are only 35 years old

Your family is the best thing you have ever done in your life

You can’t believe that you ended up with 'King Steve of Hawkins High,’ but you thanked Nancy internally for breaking up with Steve

You thanked the universe for putting the two of you together

You got to fall in love with the most amazing man you had ever met

You got to start the family of your dreams together

You got to see 'The Party,’ grow up and begin to start their own families

Everything you never could have imagined being your future, became your reality

Up until junior year in high school, you had barely spoken 20 words to Steve Harrington and had thought the worst of him

You really owed it all to Junior year

The year that started it all. The year the began your future

Tags: @pillow223

#steve harrington imagines #steve harrington imagine #steve harrington x reader #steve harrington #stranger things imagines #stranger things x reader #stranger things imagine #stranger things season 2 #stranger things #will byers imagine #will byers x reader #will byers #mike wheeler imagine #mike wheeler x reader #mike wheeler #nancy wheeler imagine #nancy wheeler x reader #nancy wheeler #dustin henderson imagines #dustin henderson imagine #dustin henderson x reader #dustin henderson #jonathan byers x reader #jonathan byers imagine #jonathan byers #lucas sinclair #lucas sinclair x reader #max hargrove #max hargrove x reader #eleven

[czec-hoslo-vak-ians]

This is one of my favorite episode...5 out of 5 stars

This is where I can officially start shipping ships

Maria and Michael💜

Scene goes here👽

Michael is always breaking in to something haven't he ever heard of just trying to walk through the front door. Why couldn't Michael use the school computers to look up this information, or he could have gone to the public library instead of breaking and entering the UFO Center.

This teacher does not look smart enough to come up with a project like this when Maria says be the personal questions you definitely know that Topolsky must have something to do with these questions because this would be another way for her to find some answers. Maria not wanting to work with Michael on this project the way she said it makes you think that there's more to to that she doesn't want to work with him. But teacher didn't even realize that Michael wasn't in the classroom LOL, which makes me definitely think that this project is definitely the Topolski , even the way they're paired up is even fishy. Kyle hates the idea that he has to work with Max, Max could care less. Liz doesn't like the idea of Max and Kyle working together on this project. Topolski is such a snake in the grass. Max is good at getting out of sticky situation Charmed his boss out of pressing charges against Michael, and he didn't even have to use his powers to do it. I understand when Max is upset however if Max would be more interested in this Dome and help Michael he would have not snuck in to research it. Again Max getting Isabel's approval instead of the deciding on his own whether or not to give the keys to Michael. Max wants to help Michael however Isabel won't allow him Isabelle more worried about her Human life being blown up. I think Isabel is afraid of the on the inside of her the unknown hence why I'm Keen to helping Michael finding this Dome. 👽

You definitely know the best thing that has happened to Max is having Liz in his life and telling her his secret however he has to go with a different answer so the next best answer is being adopted which also can also be the truth. Kyle is such a dick right now after Max gives him the answer. How is being such a jerk with these questions. This must be so uncomfortable for Liz to be watching those two working together.👽 now Liz has a cell phone two episodes ago she was using a payphone.👽 did they really think that Michael wasn't going to find a car. Of course Liz is going to go with them because there's no way that Max going to let Liz stay behind with Kyle. Of course they would have a tail on them from Topolski. she must work for the government agent if the messages she sends has to be encrypte.

Wow what a hideous flip phone that was cell phones have definitely changed over the years for the better. That was a hard Sting from Liz to Isabel about knowing what species she is. Liz hates being kept in the dark. She is of a correct Michael Des do pretty shady things and revolves her best friend she definitely needs to know what is going on.Max wants to tell Liz however Isabella telling him not to say . Again Isabel calling the shots for Max.👽

Why is Kyle so obsessed about Liz and her whereabouts because last episode he said the best thing about breaking up is that I don't have to care anymore( something along those lines) but in this scene he's acting so worrisome about her. Kyle needs to move on by himself another girlfriend and then maybe he would stop obsessing over Max and Liz. The less he knows the safer he is. He's just so hell-bent on finding out what's going on. Kyle knows that his father is hiding something from him knowing something about Max Evans. This is the turning point of Isabel and Liz's relationship. The tail just got busted he wasn't a very good tail. Come on at least pretend you're talking on the phone.

👽 this is when Max starts being selfish. he isn't worried about anyone he doesn't want anyone's help all he wants to do is to find out what's in the dome so secretly Max really wanted to know what was inside and now that the opportunity presents itself he isn't turning back now. How does Kyle know where they are there is no way he's tracking her. Because tracking in flip phones do not exist back then. Unless he found the paperwork his dad had copied from Michael. I'm going to go with that he found the copied paperwork. Okay so it wasn't paperwork because his dad has the file. How does Kyle know where they're going or where they are.?.

👽 Isabel is weirded out about sitting in the Jeep with Max and Liz, however Liz and Max don't mind sleeping in the jeep together.👽

I'm having a hard time stomaching Max and Liz right now because the conversations are so intense most of the time. They are so in love with each other that they are so scared of it.

What a sight to walk in on it does look awkward. Max you wouldn't have to clean up Michael mess if you would just listen to what he says and try to understand. Of course Kyle has to walk in I thought the exact moment how in the flip do he know exactly where they were. I can't believe Michael just tossed Kyle across the room like that. Well Michael did give the warning to Kyle to get out twice. Kind of deserve to get tossed like that. Michael was really hot when he gets mad. Max and Kyle fighting over Liz is getting so redundant. I'm finally glad that Kyle got the hint that it's over between him and Liz he was trying so hard to keep hold of them possibly getting back together. Liz is Right Maria and her need to know what's going on they are part of the group. It's so much easier when everybody knows everything because they all can work together as a group no one is left in the dark anymore.

The Jeep doesn't hold five very well Michael is kind of hanging out of it a little bit. Maria walking into that Dome is worried about Michael she has this worried look on her face. Maria encouraging Michael to do try again and it works Maria is Michael's support line. She is standing so close to him. They have this Bond and connection now.

Topolski Master followed Valente. I can't believe she just whacked him in the back of the head again she's a bad guy so of course she would. Of course they're going to end the episode saying to be continued...

💜this is the start of a beautiful love story Beautiful Bliss anks and so much more.. Michael's desperate for a ride that he would take a ride from the person he can't stand the most which is Maria, he is even willing to answer some stupid questions for her.

💜 I love that Michael is just making up these random answers for these questions however I kind of do picture him watching The View. Michael is so lame can't even help because of his bad back what a lame excuse. I will. Michael attempts to borrow steal Maria's car. Maria changing from being kidnapping to abducting cracks me up lol.

💜 Maria is not very subtle when she trying to talk to Liz without Michael knowing. I can't believe he just threw Maria cell phone out the window like that.

💜 Maria is so irritated Is Michael right now. She Rambles every time she's around him it's out of nervousness. It's cute and adorable. Maria is complaining a lot not fully understanding why Michael is doing what he's doing, but once she realizes what he's doing she understands him a little bit more. I think that this is the moment where Maria See's Michael In a Different Light. Michael is surprised and stunned of the Ridiculousness that is coming out of Maria's mouth while she's talking to the police officer he doesn't think this BS story is going to fly with the officer. Michael is shocked that the officer bought that lame story. [ here's a little oops in the scene...in one angle Maria has the seat belt on another angle she does not]

💜 what does he mean when he says don't tempt me after Maria says will you just do something go. The way they get mad at each other is priceless chemistry is just that good. Even though Michael can't control his powers he tries to fix Maria's car for her, just to shut her up. That is too cute. The way Maria says and so do you cracks me up after Michael says your car sucks. He just tottaly humiliated himself in front of her. him knowing that he wasn't able to use his powers to fix the car because he can't control his powers and he tries anyway speaks volumes. Maria needs to take a chill pill. After spending all that time with Maria in the car I don't blame Michael if he went out to get a drink.

💜The Aladdin room looks so sketchy I wouldn't stay there I would have rather stayed in the car. Michael is Right Maria has been acting like a princess this whole time. Michael mounts something but I can't read what he saying( if anyone can read lips please tell me what he saying) Michael's Human Side registers that Maria is uncomfortable it doesn't feel safe. Now he feels the need to make her feel comfortable safe and okay. His Human Side is kicking in.

💜 Maria wondering what kind of urges he gets cracks me up. Michael is standing a little too close to Maria when he says not even if your last woman on Earth. If they were standing any closer they would be kissing. This is the moment where they start connecting with each other when they start working on the project answering the questions Michael reveals a little layer of himself. This is the moment their relationship changes little Sparks are happening. They're getting to understand and know each other. They have something in common they both thought the same thing" there's gotta be something better out there for me then Roswell New Mexico".( I'm yelling at my TV kiss each other already) because they totally want to but right now is not the right time for that.

(I love Michael and Maria's banter back and forth in this episode)

Well you guys that's the end of the episode I had fun I hope you had fun I'll see you on the other side.

Quote of the episode" not if you were the last woman on Earth.... not if you're the last alien on Earth

Up next : river-dog

Edit NOT mine

#episode 6 #285 south #Roswell #michael #Maria

[angelimortisrp-blog]

G L O R Y (&&) GORE — meet KAI CARTER; the PHOENIX.

“we are choking on halos that angels buried six feet under realisation. the saddest one? we were never made to be holy.”

{ ♚  AT A GLANCE }

name: Kai Carter.

age: 37.

gender & pronouns: UTP.

occupation: Contract killer for the Romano family.

loyalty: Romano.

availability: Open.

faceclaim: Jason Momoa. ( non-negotiable. )

{ ♚ A DEEPER LOOK }

The weight of the gun was heavy in his hand, the cool metal of the trigger pressed against his fingertip, poised and ready to shoot. He was barely nineteen, the man kneeling in front of him being his first assigned hit. Kai hadn’t particularly listened to the story behind why this man deserved to die - he didn’t care. He was contracted to do a job, and he’d do it. Kai cocked his head, raising an eyebrow as the man before him began to plead for his life. Within seconds, his finger had pushed down on the trigger, the gunshot echoing in the room around them. Was it supposed to have been that easy? Was he supposed to be able to take a life like that, without any hesitation, without any guilt after? Kai was sure the answer to that would depend on who you asked – but was he really going to ask? If this was to be his life, he’d better get used to it.

{ ♚ A HISTORY LESSON }

The only son of a single father, Kai and his dad were a team from the moment the boy’s mother walked out on them. Cynthia left the family just after Kai’s third birthday, leaving a fractured family in her wake without any sign of looking back. Kai had been adopted at birth by the Carter family, with a mother so desperate to have a child that it didn’t make sense that she would walk out on him. The reasoning behind this was something that Kai wouldn’t learn for years to come, but his father tried his best to make sure things remained stable for his son. The two were closer than anyone could believe, rarely seen without one another, the only exception being when Kai’s father was working late at night. Despite the ever increasing frequency of these nights, Kai and his father were as close knit as a family group could be and nothing would ever change that.

Although he was an only child, Kai spent much of his childhood with the Romano family. His father was one of Michael Romano’s closest friends and associates and as such, Kai grew up with the eldest Romano son, Christian. Kai didn’t know what his father’s job was, nor did he know what the Romanos did for a living, but he liked the idea of having an extended family and eventually came to see Christian as his brother, although they were unrelated. Whenever his father wasn’t working and they weren’t spending time with the Romanos, he spent most of his time teaching his son. Kai had always loved learning and did well in school, but outside of that his father taught him how to cook, taught him self defence, taught him all of the valuable life skills that he wasn’t going to learn in a classroom. Kai had always appreciated everything that his father taught him and committed every detail to memory, vowing to never forget any of it and to always find a way to put it to good use.

Kai was twelve when he learned the truth. About everything. His father, Gareth, sat him down and explained why his mother had left the family - a result of his job. Kai, more curiously than anything else, had asked his father what he did for a living and was shocked at the response. His dad was a hit man - his father, the man he idolised, his hero, killed people for money. A contract killer, working for the Romano family - and to add to the information overload on his son, the man went into detail on explaining what the Romanos did for work. It was at this point that things began to fall into place, that Kai realised why his father had always been so big on teaching him how to fight and how to defend himself. It was at this point that he learned that even being associated with the Romano’s meant danger, but for some reason, it didn’t scare him.

The newly discovered criminal involvement took Kai a while to get used to, but he got over it eventually. Christian, too, was only learning about his family’s work at this time and both boys leaned on each other to get through it. They both came through the adjustment with the same opinion; their fathers were wonderfully strong, brave men and they would do anything to follow in their footsteps. Whilst Christian began sitting in on his father’s meetings, Kai demanded that his father teach him more. That he taught him how to shoot a gun, how to use a knife - perhaps most importantly, how to take a life. Gareth, thinking his son was still a little bit too young to start killing others, taught him this in the form of hunting and thus, the family found something new to bond over.

It was shortly after his initiation into the Romano mob that he became romantically involved with Maria Romano. The two had been friends for years, high school crushes, if they’d call it that. In the beginning, it was a little fun - something casual to pass the time. Until Kai fell in love with her. For a short while, Maria Romano was the only thing that occupied his thoughts - earning him a few slaps on the back of his head from his father whilst in training. Before long, though, he was well equipped to follow in his father’s footsteps. 

His job description didn’t change much after the Latin Alliance. Kai was seventeen at the time, having yet to make his first kill. The only difference his father had ever pointed out was that the work load doubled - but that made sense, taking into account the fact that two families had suddenly become one. By the time he was twenty five, Kai had lost count of how many men he’d executed on AM’s orders - and had long stopped counting the money that he’d made doing it.

Somewhere along the line, Kai dropped to one knee and made a proposal to Maria. Unsurprisingly, she agreed to marry him without so much as a pause, and with Maria’s meticulous planning, they were married within a year. A few years later, a daughter followed. They named her Freya, and Kai decided that there was nothing in the world more important than his girls. He often begged Maria to give up boxing, for her own health - but the woman was stubborn, she dug her heels in and refused to give up on something that she loved. 

Ten years after they married, Kai and Maria are as strong as ever, and their five year old daughter is growing up with her mother’s attitude. Although his job is questionable at best and serving jail time at the very worst, Kai has never looked back. Living and working within criminal organisations is all he has ever know - and if he has it his way, will always be what he knows. However, he wasn’t expecting the Angeli Mortis to come to such a destructive end. 

{ ♚ NO TIME LIKE THE PRESENT }

The death of Michael Romano shook Kai to his very core. For the news about Juliet Venturi to come so quickly after - Kai was certain something was wrong. Whilst the families were busy blaming each other, Kai had his ear to the ground, listening to whispers that were coming from those outwith the Angeli Mortis. There were whispers of another organisation, one he’d never heard of - one he wanted to investigate further. The Church didn’t particularly make them sound like criminals - but Kai is more than aware that appearances could be deceiving. He’s spending as much of his time as he can trying to gather further information, before he attempts to provide a different outlook to the rest of the Romano family - and he wants to ensure he keeps his information as far from the Venturi family as he possibly can. Protecting his associates and his family are of utmost importance to him, even more so in such tumultuous times.

{ ♚ ABOUT THE PERSONALITY }

+: observant, intelligent, analytical, rational -: unempathetic, patronising, sarcastic, distant

Kai is known for being somewhat unapproachable. Whilst this is based partly on the fact that his build and demeanour make him intimidating, it also comes from him simply being quiet. He prefers to observe and analyse everyone that he meets - to the point of psychoanalysing every part of their speech, actions and movement. Ina  way, he finds people watching fascinating. Kai doesn’t talk much, unless incredibly familiar with the other person, and he likes it that way. It’s self preservation in a way, that he doesn’t feel the need to spill his entire life story to every person that he meets. Outside of his work, Kai is incredibly studious and spends any free time reading - one of his favourite pastimes, constantly forcing himself to develop and learn has been a factor of his entire life, and one he’s not prepared to give up on.

{ ♚ FRIENDS & FOES }

♠ Maria Romano-Carter ( WIFE ) - “you would have gone to hell for him, i know. oh, but darling, he would have stayed to burn with you.” ;  There is nobody more important in his life than Maria. The love of his life, the mother of his child - the one thing in this world that actually keeps him sane. Kai needs her, far more than he will ever be able to explain, and he would do anything to keep her safe, no matter the consequences. When their daughter was born, Kai found someone else added to the list of people that he has to protect. Although he doesn’t always approve of his wife’s job, there’s nothing that Kai won’t do to keep his family safe and happy. 

♠ Christian Romano ( BEST FRIEND ) - “you’ve got a friend in me” ;   Christian has been a fixture of Kai’s life since they were children, ever since Gareth started bringing him to the Romano home. Wherever Christian went, Kai was always close behind - that hasn’t changed. The two men are the same, cut from the same cloth, and they’ve always been as thick as thieves. Kai is one of the family’s assigned hit men, but outside of that, he has always been one of the only people that Christian trusts enough to confide everything in - other than his wife.

♠ Caleb Bianchi ( INFORMANT ) - “i’ve got friends in low places, where the whisky burns and the beer chases my blues away” ; Caleb has always been a snake. Kai has known the man ever since growing up with the Romano family, and has always struggled to trust him. It’s always helped that Cal has been afraid of Kai at the best of times, too. However, after a few drinks and the occasional pill, Caleb develops a loose tongue - and never remembers the information he’s let slip in the morning. Kai is pushing him, bit by bit, to give him all of the information that he has on The Church and their operations, and is fully planning on using it against him if he ever gets the chance to.

{ ♚ EXTRAS }

character teaser.

inspiration tag.

gif hunts.

KAI IS CURRENTLY AVAILABLE FOR AUDITIONS.

#jason momoa fc #crime rpg #mafia rpg #bio rpg #rpg #kaibio #kai carter #romano #all

[bytheanchorarchived]

DEAR JO.HN AND J.ACE AND VAL.ENTINE:

ok so. last night i was telling @runedalexander​ cy about the song “dear john” by tay.lor s.wift and how it explained jac.e’s journey through abuse and overcoming it  and his relationship to val.entine. and cy told me: you could write a whole post about this. well. i did.

so a few warnings: this obviously deals with abuse, but it focuses on methods and how jac.e realizes what was done to him WAS abuse and how he started to overcome it, without ever stopping to love the father who abused him. this explains in detail every little thing valen.tine ever did to jac.e. it’s long. it’s winded. it’s full of me screaming in caps. but it’s detailed and thought through and i truly hope there aren’t that many typos. this encompasses mostly everything i feel about jac.e’s journey in relation to this, though only up to val.entine’s death and doesn’t go onto how it continued after that, because the post was already too long. maybe one day i’ll write about that too. but yeah, if you’re interested in knowing what jac.e went through, book and show wise be my guest.

another thing: i don’t mention cl.ary or al.ec EXCESSIVELY by name in this post, because cl.ary’s and ale.c’s influence on jac.e and his identity and self love would render another entire post just as big as this one. so for this we’re gonna focus on val.entine and when i say “family” and people he “loves” i mean all of them, clar.y, al.ec and the lightw.oods. we’ll just work with symbolism here so bear that in mind. cl.ary and al.ec deserve their own separate posts one day. this focuses on the light.woods in general and mary.se as an opposite polar parent to val.entine. for the size of this intro you can guess the size of the post. let me know if you enjoy this. 

we start at ja.ce’s childhood, if you know a bit about it from the books you’ll understand this, “long were the nights when my days once revolved around you.” 

when jac.e was a child every one of his days until he was ten revolved around va.lentine and v.alentine only. jac.e never knew anyone else. take that in. for the first ten whole years of his life, ja.ce never knew another person that wasn’t val.entine. v.alentine was his one and only parameter for life, truth, moral, society, love, happiness, pick anything you like, why is the sky blue? either va.lentine had an answer or he had a book he’d restrictively allow j.ace to read about it on. va.lentine was his one and only source of knowledge for the first ten years of his life. so for the entire time he was forming his consciousness and sense of self, and constructing the world in his head, and starting to tell himself the story about who he was, the only other human being he knew, was v.alentine, and for that whole time, he didn’t even know the man’s name, because he thought his name was mich.ael w.ayland. 

so for TEN YEARS j.ace knew only one person and that person was a fabrication. i don’t think i need to explain why long were the nights, the nights here represent punishments, the times ja.ce was left alone with his thoughts and regrets, the times he was left in the dark, the moments of panic, nightmares and anxiety over the ways he’d failed val.entine during the day and could still come to, the next day. it represents his restlessness and emotional and mental vulnerability to valen.tine. anyone that has lived through something like this, knows that the nights alone wondering what will come next day are the worst.

“counting the footsteps, praying the floor won’t fall through, again.” 

ok so, this one hurts af, still dwelling in his childhood, like i started to mention above if you’ve ever suffered emotional abuse you know that the one thing someone under such abuse fears the most in the entire world is the instability. one minute everything is fine, and the next you find out you’ve made a mistake through unexpected, blindsiding punishment, whether that be screams, disappointed words, corporal punishment, it’s never expected, it leaves your heart frayed, it sets you off into a panic before you even know what it is that you did, because the guilt and panic and feeling o failure are so programmed into you, you know that even if you do everything right you can still make a mistake, even if you give your all, you can still fail them, and if you do you are gonna PAY for it. one moment you’re on solid ground, and you’re even happy, and a blink of an eye later you’re falling through. 

some times even a subtle change in the person’s mood can set you off, as you started to panic in advance and count in your head everything you’ve done that day, yesterday, that week, and all the little things you might have done to be responsible for their mood, whether that be anger or just being quieter than usual, you know it’s gotta be your fault and suddenly things feel unstable and you can’t breathe because the floor is shifting, even if you try your hardest to stay strong because falling apart will only make things WORSE.

“and my mother accused me of losing my mind, but i swore i was fine.” 

when v.alentine returns, and jac.e learns the truth, m.aryse gets scared for him, she kicks him out of the institute, because she knows the cl.ave will come for him and she has no way to protect him since he’s not legally her son. when ja.ce does go to val.entine she gets worried, she even thinks jac.e might betray them but because she knows val.entine not because she doubts jac.e. she “accuses him of losing his mind” a.k.a. she is honest with him when she says she doubted him for a moment because she knew valent.ine’s power and val.entine had seduced and betrayed them all once, so why couldn’t he do it to j.ace his own son? maybe he’d reach through ja.ce and hurt them and hurt her children. only what she didn’t say right away and ja.ce didn’t understand was that she considered jac.e to be just as much one of her children that val.entine could hurt as the other three. and she dreaded both perspectives with all her heart. she dreaded she might lose the little boy she used to sing lullabies to, to vale.ntine’s influence, and though jac.e tells her he’d never do it, not five days after he goes to valent.ine because he feels desperate and alone. something she later recognizes was her own fault and fights for him and claims him as her son so he finally knows how she truly feels and that he’s not alone.

“you paint me a blue sky, then go back and turn it to rain.” 

so this one is very easy and it’s something valentin.e did to him his entire life, not only in childhood but as they re-met and it’s an abuse technique to hold control over the abused person. jac.e for instance, tells clar.y that “michael” was  a very good father, that he’d let j.ace have “anything he wanted” as long as he behaved (let’s not forget such good behavior was subject to daily rule changes and nuances tied to valen.tine’s mood and how he felt about jac.e’s progress and how he felt about jonath.an that week). anything he wanted consisted  of pre-approved books, weapons or the infamous spaghetti bath that is one of the few good memories jac.e has of his childhood. so vale.ntine would let jac.e indulge in a few selected pleasures, at rare times even ludicrous wishes, as long as jac.e was a good child and behaved during his testing and grooming to be a murderous weapon one day. another example of this is how vale.ntine never once told jac.e he didn’t love him, or that ja.ce wasn’t special ( he just told him that what made him special made him cursed - again with the good and awful together ). not once even after j.ace knows the truth does val.entine says jac.e is not his son, or that val.entine is not his father and doesn’t love him. on the contrary. in their every interaction he says, you’re my son, i love you, i only want what is best for you. one of jac.e’s fondest memories of his entire life is being picked up and held by va.lentine as a kid, and he says it was the safest he ever felt before his father’s death and he never felt that safe again. 

so val.entine was BOTH jac.e’s worst and best memory. that is very telling and very appropriately portrayed as to a real situation of abuse and love. which resulted in jac.e both loving AND hating him. more examples: gives him a pet, kills said pet. gives him a family to love him, tells him that such love for him is gonna ruin them, get them killed and cursed and destroyed. lets him bathe in spaghetti, but leaves him without any food enough that another child notices how “skinny” he is once he goes to the institute (a.lec). shows him the end of the world swallowed by demons that he “HAS to bring into this world for the greater good” but promises jac.e can be safe if he just gives him his loyalty. or show wise, beats the crap out of him, then makes him dinner and talks to him like a loving father who only wants what’s best for him. you’re too weak to kill me, you’re weak, but you’re my child and i love you. you’re just like me the person you admire, and because that you’re cursed.  you’re loved but only i can love you without being destroyed by you. etc etc. 

“and i lived in your chess game, but you changed the rules every day.”  

again with the instability and the taking the floor from under you. i believe val.entine did this often just to TEST jac.e. because why not? see if he could adapt, how quickly he could learn new rules not to get punished, or just because val.entine was raisin an experiment and his experiment changed as jac.e grew up and rules had to become more and more constricting, the punishments harsher. also this was also shown in the way in which val.entine changed his speech to jac.e constantly, “you are weak” - “you are my son and i’m proud of you” - “you’re my failure” - “you’re my greatest achievement” etc. every time ja.ce thinks he knows how to deal with him, val.entine changes his speech and his methods and leaves jac.e spinning. it’s easier to manipulate someone who doesn’t know the rules but still tries to fulfill them. jac.e ws compelled to oby val.entine’s rules since he was a kid, but he always learned new ones through punishment or emotional manipulation. val.entine changed his rules at will a lot of times during the book to manipulate jac.e’s loyalty and love and try to corrupt him or regain control over him.

“wondering which version of you i might get on the phone, tonight.”  

this i think would apply perfectly to the michael x val.entine debacle. mic.hael is the father in his memories, the one that jac.e loves, the one that loves him, the one jac.e never doubted and thought for sixteen years that was a good father that only wanted what was best for him, the one that taught jac.e everything he knew and taught jac.e to be strong and how to be a fighter and how to survive, the one jac.e ignored all the misdeeds from, because he was not a BAD father he just had a temper, he just wanted what was best for jac.e, he just wanted to make jac.e strong etc. val.entine though, val.entine is the monster jac.e learned to hate even before he met him. val.entine is the man who fooled him for ten years, who killed michae.l wayl.and twice, who stole a murdered boy’s identity and slapped it on jac.e without a second thought. he’s the man that wants to burn the world alive and kill everything jac.e learned to love. he’s the one that taught jac.e to be loyal to shadowh,unter society and now wants jac.e to join him in destroying it. who gave jac.e a family and now wants to kill it.who did all those horrible deeds in the past and present against everything jac.e stands for. 

so when he meets him he never knows if he’s gonna get mich.ael - you’re my son, my greatest achievement, i taught you to be strong, i love you - or val.entine - you’re so weak i had to discard you because you were no good for me. and later on he learns that val.entine is both: yes you’re weak, but all the reasons why you’re weak are reasons why i love you and couldn’t stand to keep twisting you. and that is one of the hardest lessons jac.e has ever had to learn. that he DOES LOVE AND HATE valenti.ne and that neither makes him a bad person. that mich.ael was his father and val.entine killed him and it’s okay to miss and hate both of them. both his versions.

“well, i’ve stopped picking up and this song is to let you know why.” 

 alright, one thing you  gotta understand is that jace’s loyalties didn’t shift in one night. in fact, it wasn’t until he found out that his father had lied to him his entire life that it STARTED to shift. until he found out about valentin.e, he loved and was completely loyal to mi.chael. it didn’t matter that he now knew there were other ways of parenting. it didn’t matter that he knew what al.ec and iz.zy thought of mich.ael, it didn’t matter that when he met cl.ary she outright told him that he was a horrible father, he didn’t see it that way. because it was done to HIM and jac.e genuinely believed that he deserved all of those things,  that they WERE for his own good, and it’s not logical, of course not, because he could never do it to someone else (say train max in the way he was) but because it was about HIM, the cursed child, he genuinely believed his father was just doing his BEST. also because he always knew, and never doubted it, even after he found out the truth, that val.entine/mich.ael LOVED him. he knows that. that is one thing he never doubts, even as he begins to see it was a twisted love. it goes to show how genuinely loving, forgiving and just GOOD, ja.ce is. 

let me break this down for you. val.entine lied to him for ten years of his life. but not only that. no. when he exited jac.e’s life, he made sure to leave an impression. how? he made jac.e at TEN years old, watch his own father’s murder. yes. he made jac.e watch the only father and person he knew until that age be attacked and MURDERED in front of him by his own men. NOT ONLY THAT, think about this, jac.e was a child, no? he had no way of knowing the faces of people in the circle. the names. i doubt he even knew what the circle WAS or if he did, it was certainly not portrayed the way it really happened. but val.entine is such an evil mastermind, he gave jac.e away but not before he made SURE that jac.e would ALWAYS have a connection to him, the real and the fake him. he made SURE that jac.e would spend the next six years of his life, living, getting stronger, working on himself, for one purpose only: to avenge his father’s death. and here’s the kick: he made sure his men would SAY WHY they were killing mic.hael and WHO they were, so that jac.e would not only grow up with revenge on his head, but with a PURPOSE and his purpose? to avenge his father’s death by killing valen.tine. insane isn’t it? the person jac.e hated half his life until then, he finds out was no one other than his own FATHER, the very own he loved and was trying to avenge. val.enting made absolute SURE that jac.e would go back to him. and even after jace finds out about HIM, he STILL can’t hate him. he tries, oh he tries HARD, but he loves his father, loves him so bad he almost goes with him and if it wasn’t for cl.ary being there in the exact same moment he found out “the truth”, valentin.e’s plan would have worked, and jac.e would have joined him, because again: 1. he loved him and he was the only person jac.e knew for 10 years of his 16 of life. 2. jac.e still believed v.alentine when he said they belonged together and val.entine was the only person that could love him back, and they were equally cursed, and jac.e couldn’t be with anyone else, family OR otherwise. 

and here’s the kick, val.entine for almost sure didn’t mean to lie to jac.e again once they found each other, he had no reason to EXCEPT that cl.ary suddenly got in the mix. and val.entine with ONE look, realized that they were in love. he realized that jac.e was starting to ESCAPE his lessons and the mind control he’d done on him for a decade, for clary, and that’s when he tells them they’re brother and sister. not because he gives a shit about cl.ary, but to retain his power over jac.e by proving he’s cursed once and for all and isolating him from his entire family and society in one strike. it’s genius and evil and disgusting. 

so when does j.ace finally “stops picking up”? it takes seeing, meeting jona.than, it takes learning the truth AGAIN, it takes realizing he wasn’t the only child val.entine was corrupting. it takes meeting the monster val.entine made of his own SON and realizing that could very well be him. he meets seb.astian and seba.stian tries to kill him and yet all jac.e feels is EMPATHY, he feels bad for seb.astian, he feels guilty even as he kills him because he understands this isn’t seb.astian’s fault, this is what val.entine made of him, and that is the very first time jac.e starts thinking of himself in similar terms. that maybe he DIDN’T deserve what was done to him and he ISN’T weak and just like seb.astian he is what val.entine made of him. that is a very important moment for him. more than that, he realizes that val.entine never LOVED this boy like he loved him, and if he hadn’t, jac.e would be exactly like him. he recognizes val.entine loves him but for the first time sees it for what it is, sick and twisted, and that val.entine doesn’t KNOW who he really is. how fucking MAJOR, for the first time in his life he realizes val.entine doesn’t know him better than anyone else, that val.entine doesn’t know who he is, that clar.y, that the love of his life that he now CAN love, might be right about him, and that vale.ntine had to go to the lengths he did just to keep jac.e under his wing, and that at the end jac.e WON, so who was the strong one here? and why did jac.e win? what made him strong enough? because ISAB.ELLE CAME AFTER HIM. so family, real family the family he’d come to know as real love and support and real bonds was what saved him, love was what saved him, made him strong enough to kill seb.astian. love made him push through death and get up again even as he was DYING to save isabel.le back because isa.belle is family, because she is the new life ja.ce got when he was sent to the light.woods, she is everything that new life entailed and she is everything val.entine planned to destroy.

do you see how IMPORTANT that is? why is it so SYMBOLIC that it’s isab.elle, the one sparring partner that could keep up with him, yes, but also the one that most EMBODIES this new family he’s a part of - because al.ec, ale.c is his soulmate, so al.ec represents himself, and the stakes are different, much more complex to be that simple and symbolic-, is.abelle who REPRESENTS his new life with the light.woods saves him, and he pushes THROUGH DEATH to save her back.that is the very moment jac.e FINALLY understands what real family and love is. seeing his double whom was never loved by val.entine, seeing val.entine’s monster side so clearly reflected in the twisted form of his real son, knowing he was capable of love, yes, but that he was also capable of unspeakable cruelty, and having is.abelle of all people come and save his life and give him a reason to FIGHT again when he’d given up, that means EVERYTHING. that is the very moment in which jac.e finally stops picking up. the moment when jac.e KNOWS he is strong enough to face val.entine and even if it’ll HURT because they still love each other, he knows he won’t fail this time. because as much as he loves val.entine, he loves this new, REAL family much more, and more than that, he loves himself, the self that he learned to be with the light.woods that would fight for them with his life more than he loves the boy he used to be with val.entine. that is the moment he finally sticks firmly on his own feet and he stands up to val.entine and he can finally SAY to him, “i am not weak. love did not make me weak. love made me stronger. and i have won over your other creation because of love and i am here now to take your life in the name of family and justice and even if it kills me i will do it because i know i am strong enough now.” CHILLS.

“dear john, i see it all now that you’re gone.”

ok, so, when does jac,e STARTS to see or even realize there is or might be ANYTHING wrong with what val.entine did to him? first, when he leaves him, abandons him - and it’s so interesting because jac.e FEELS that way, he “knows” that mich.ael was murdered but he feels abandoned, as though part of him knew the truth somehow - when michae.l dies, when the micha.el identity dies and jac.e first meets other people, other children, specially and other parents, other ways of parenting. he mentions to mar.yse “i used to watch you sing for al.ec and izz.y” and even though he doesn’t recall she did the same for him, because he never believed he deserved it, he still watched it. he watched what a parent could BE and he CRAVED it for himself. ma.ryse is the first time he sees what a real parent could  be like, and that is only after mich.ael is “gone”. AGAIN, he starts seeing it even more, to the point where his loyalties first start to change when he learns the truth about va.lentine and val.entine leaves him for idr.is. so again, valetin.e is gone. the parent he knew as michae.l is gone, and then once more when he learns about jonath.an, and realizes he was never val.entine’s biological son at all, which makes yet another part of him disappear. so val.entine slowly abandons him bit by bit and those moments are the crucial moments where jac.e starts seeing things for what they are.

“don’t you think i was too young to be messed with? the girl in the dress cried the whole way home.”

pretty easy, childhood, jac.e first realizing that maybe what vale.ntine did to him as a child WASN’T okay, WASN’T for his own good, WASN’T for any other reason other than val.entine’s own sick plans. and that he DID have a reason to cry for all the times he didn’t before, after the murder of his falcon. also notice this, val.entine made him watch the death of two things jac.e loved in ten years, the falcon, and then he goes and stages a very similar thing for his own death after he knew what the death of the pet had caused in jac.e, made him stop crying, made him “stronger”, shifted him, and he hoped his own death would do the same. but yes, jac.e finally allowing himself to cry for what val.entine did to him is/would be a very important moment. recognizing he was just a child and val.entine didn’t have the right to do to him what he did.

“i should’ve known.”

the moment when jac,e realizes is also the moment where he thinks he should’ve known what val.entine did to him, should’ve been stronger from the beginning, should’ve killed him when he got the chance. remember what he tells cl.ary? “i wasn’t strong enough, i had the chance to kill him and i didn’t and every death he’s caused since (max’ included) is in my hands”. he thinks he should’ve known better that he should’ve known BEFORE that val.entine would never be the father he hoped he’d be and that jac.e should have been stronger earlier and killed his own father to protect the innocent lives he took later. jac.e is half out of his mind when he tells clar.y this, and thinking “he should’ve known” is the reason he decides to go after val.entine after all, and even though he doesn’t think he’s strong enough to SURVIVE it, he still thinks it’s his duty to end it, whether it costs his life or not, because he should have known and he should had saved all those lives when he could, when he had the dagger to valentin.e’s throat and let him go. 

“maybe it’s me and my blind optimism to blame.”

what does val.entine tells him? you were too GOOD, too KIND, too SOFT HEARTED and that is the reason why i sent you away. those things that made you YOU, also made you WEAK and not strong enough for my plans for you. jon was too strong because he didn’t have kindness at all, you were too WEAK because kindness was all you HAD. so let’s ponder on this because this is important. val.entine, in his sick, deranged mind, of a man who thinks was doing everything right, is able to recognize and more than that learn to love a kind heart, enough to CHANGE HIS PLANS for this love. think about his. jac.e was actually so GOOD, so “optimistic” he managed to be SOLE, ONE AND ONLY QUESTION MARK on valent.ine’s grand plans. joc.elyn didn’t manage that even though val.entine loved her, his own SON didn’t manage that, even though val.entine used to love him. but jac.e that small child, that BABY valenti.ne cut out of his dead mother’s womb, that child so pure and full of LOVE, managed to be so KIND he made val.entine question part of his plans. he made val.entine STOP and CHANGE his plans if only to save jac.e and you know the importance of this??? valentine never thought he was wrong or that what he did to anyone in his life was wrong because it served a higher purpose he never doubted himself. and yet he couldn’t go through with his twisting of jac.e because he loved him so much, jac.e was so good, he sent him away to be loved by a “real family” to a place where he knew he would be taken care of. jac.e made vale.ntine for that single time, see the wrong in his own doings. cyb this??? so yes, at first jac.e considers, he takes in val.entine’s words and they hit him HARD, and he thinks, as said before, he wasn’t strong enoough when he had the chance, and maybe his  father is right and his SOFT HEART, “his blind optimism”, kept him from saving lives and being stronger. 

“or maybe it’s you and your sick need to give love than take it away.” 

this is the important moment it SHIFTS. yeah, maybe it was me, maybe i was -too weak, too gullible, too kind, or you know what? maybe it was YOU. maybe it was all your games who TWISTED  me. maybe it was never me AT ALL because that kind heart? that kind heart is the reason my REAL family loves me, is the reason i pushed through death to save my family who saved me back, and is the reason i have someone like cl.ary as pure as her, love me. so screw you. maybe it was you and your love games to blame, never me. vale.ntine made love a weapon, he brandished it, either saying he did what he did because he loved jac.e or saying jac.e’s love - even jac.e’s love for HIM - made him weak. so it’s either the reason behind all the hurt he put jac.e through or jac.e’s downfall. it’s either the most essential thing linking them, or the reason why jac.e will never defeat him.

“and you add my name to your long list of traitors who don’t understand.”

this is so fucking interesting because val.entine DOES feels this way. he is RIGHT, he is trying his BEST, he is trying to SAVE the world because if he doesn’t NO ONE WILL AND YET, people BETRAY HIM. he does nothing but work to make their lives better and they stab him in the back. he loved them, tried to save them and they betrayed him. this starts with lu.ke and jocel.yn, goes to the former circle members who left him, turned on him (i.e. the lightwo.ods) and finally, jac.e’s name is added to the list at the very final moment. when valentin.e begs jac.e not to “make him kill him” because that is how he feels. he is doing the right thing, and jac.e leaves him no OPTION other than to add him to the list of traitors and end his life, when val.entine had hoped jac.e would SURVIVE this and join him finally in the new world. he doesn’t care that much that jonatha.n is dead, but he BEGS jac.e not to turn against him and then holds jac.e through it, and importantly, apologizes for what he had to do. so again, jac.e is his one TRUE regret. does he regret what he did to jon? sure, but because it came out WRONG, because val.entine’s experiment failed, NOT because he feels guilty. he regrets jac.e because he loves him. and that is a key difference. at the end, the one thing val.entine genuinely loved is the one thing he has to truly sacrifice to get his ritual going. 

“and i look back and regret how i ignored when they said run as fast as you can.”

jac.e dies in valentin.e’s arms, and knows once and for all that val.entine’s love for him could never be bigger than his plans, than his pride, than his complex of savior. this is the moment jac.e sees val.entine for what he is, a deranged man that truly believed his delusions that much, he sees him clearly, right before he dies, and it changes him. that is the moment where it changes from “i am my father, i am just like him” to “i don’t WANT to be like him, i don’t WANT to be val.entine and i will FIGHT to not end like he did.”

“dear john, i see it all now that you’re gone. don’t you think i was too young to be messed with? the girl in the dress cried the whole way home.”

“dear john, i see it all now that it was wrong.”

again, realizing for the first time, TRULY realizing that what valentine did to him and to everyone wasn’t for the best, wasn’t because he loved him, wasn’t to benefit anyone but valentine himself and it was, in fact, as he struggled 16 years to believe, WRONG, very wrong. not what a true parent should do. ever.

“don’t you think nineteen’s too young to be played by your dark twisted games, when i loved you so?

despite everything, despite finally realizing what was done to him was WRONG, jac.e never stopped loving him. jac.e loved him through every bad thing val.entine ever did to him and he finally recognizes that, and it hurts, and it makes him wonder if he’s a bad person for doing so, if he’s betraying his real father - stephen - if it makes him weak, but he can’t ever deny it, he loves val.entine even after his death even after his own death, he loves him, and though he can change everything else, and his perspective, he can’t change this. 

as for val.entine’s games this doesn’t even need to be explained. val.entine did all sorts of games with jac.e’s mind all in favor of retaining control over him. 1. lied about his identity. 2. made him believe he was dead, and made him watch such murder, then blame his own REAL self for it. 3. made sure jac.e would find him to avenge his father and always come back to him at the end. 4. when he realize jac.e was finally moving on from his teachings, with cl.ary’s help, he taints that relationship and again isolates jac.e from everyone like he did when he was a kid, and lie to him making him believe he as his biological son all along and cl.ary his sister. 5. taunts jac.e with the possibility of joining him because they will always be both cursed and the same, as evidenced by jac.e loving his sister. 6. shows him the end of the world, swallowed by demons and tells him if he’s GOOD, if he joins him, he and his family will be saved, when he knew all along that his wish to the angel would effectively kill every runed shadowhu.nter aside from himself and the children. 7. when jac.e doesn’t join him, he tells him he has demon blood and even if he can help loving cl.ary he will never be saved, and his family will never be SAFE with him, because he will never be anything more than vale.ntine’s experiment. 8. even at the very end, he tell jac.e they can still rule the new world together even though he knows jac.e is runed enough that the wish will drive him mad too. even though the alternative is him sacrificing clar.y instead, though he never tells jac.e that. 

also as a cameo, in the show, if we follow book canon which i do, clar.y being 18, makes ja.ce 19, so he was 19 when val.entine took him to the ship and spent the entire time playing dark twisted games with him, where he beat him unconscious and back to consciousness then freed him only to have him kill a fake val.entine to try to escape, then trap him and beat him again, only to treat him like a loving father later and cooking him dinner before beating him once more. so there you go. dark twisted games at 19. 

“i should’ve known.”

“and you are an expert at sorry, and making lines blurry.”

do i even need to explain this? valent.ine was so GOOD at this, he made jac.e still think he did what he did out of love even when he was sixteen and learned val.entine had done nothing but lie to him his entire life. even at the end, where jac.e held a blade to his throat it hurt him to do it even if he was finally sure of it. val.entine is the master at blurring lines and brainwashing, which he did to jac.e masterfully so. and why jac.e is so important for having been able to escape it.

“never impressed by me acing your tests.”

in the same breath val.entine would call ja.ce his biggest achievement and call him weak. at the end jac.e realizes val.entine never truly believed jac.e could win over jona.than because he never believed  jac.e could be strong enough. that is the moment he knows val.entine thought he was weak for once and for all, and then it doesn’t MATTER because JA.CE KNOWS NOW HE IS STRONG and that is a MAJOR IMPORTANT POINT in his life. standing up to valentine and saying: you were wrong about me, you never thought i could do this but i did, i am not weak, i am strong, and i am here to take your life.” let’s pretend this wasn’t screwed up. because this is a major important moment for jac.e and abused children all around. standing up to your abuser. the moment when val.entine’s approval NO LONGER MATTERS. this is, i cannot stress enough how IMPORTANT AND MAJOR THIS IS. he no longer needed, craved, or was interested in valentin.e’s approval, he no longer believed val.entine was the measure of him, he no longer gave val.entine power over his life, decisions and self value. he no longer needed val.entine to tell him he was strong. he decided he was stronger than val.entine thought and he proved it to him, this is so fucking. fucking. important. so. fucking. important. never forget this. jac.e fucking herondal.e died standing up to his abuser and deciding his abuser was no longer the measure, master, or owner of him, and he could decide the kind of man he would be ON HIS FUCKING OWN THANK YOU VERY MUCH.

“all those girls that  you’ve run dry with tired lifeless eyes cause you burned them out.”

countless examples of this. val.entine made an “impression” in every life he touched. no one was left the same. joc.elyn felt broken as a mother. lu.ke felt so worthless he never confessed his love because val.entine convinced him he was nothing more than a monster and not good enough. mar.yse doubted herself so much she closed herself off from jac.e’s love for a while because she thought she was only being deceived by val.entine through him again. etc etc etc etc. val.entine screwed up every person that ever loved him, and seeing that is when jac.e starts to see his reach and reflections of what he did to him, himself, on others. recognizing that is majorly important. with the most important example being jon.athan which as explained above is a grand shifting point for jac.e.

“but i took your matches before fire could catch me, so don’t look now. i’m shining like fireworks over your sad empty town.”

AGAIN. as said above, jac.e DIED STANDING UP TO VAL.ENTINE. he recognized: I LOVE YOU BUT I NO LONGER BELONG TO YOU. I LOVE YOU AND YOU LOVE ME BUT YOU ARE NOT THE MEASURE OF ME. I LOVE YOU AND YOU LOVE ME BUT YOU DO NOT GET TO DECIDED WHAT KIND OF PERSON I AM AND WHAT I DO. YOU NO LONGER HAVE AGENCY OVER MY LIFE. YOU ARE NO LONGER THE OWNER OF ME. I AM THE OWNER OF ME AND I CHOOSE MY FAMILY, I CHOOSE CL.ARY, I CHOOSE TO BELIEVE IN GOOD, AND BELIEVE THE WORLD CAN BE SAVED WITHOUT SLAUGHTER, I CHOOSE TO BELIEVE PEOPLE CAN CHANGE, AND I CHOOSE TO STAND UP TO YOU AND SAVE THOSE WHO TRULY CARE ABOUT ME, NOT LOVE ME JUST BECAUSE I LOVED THEM, BUT LOVE ME BECAUSE OF WHO I AM, AND YOU NO LONGER GET TO DECIDE OR TELL ME WHO THAT IS. YOU HAVE PLANNED THIS AND TRICKED PEOPLE YOUR ENTIRE LIFE BUT I AM STRONGER THAN YOU EVER THOUGH I COULD BE AND I AM THE ONE THAT IS GONNA END YOUR PLANS HERE AND NOW.

“dear john, i see it all now that you’re gone. don’t you think i was too young to be messed with? the girl in the dress cried the whole way home.” 

“i see it all now that you’re gone: don’t you think i was too young to be messed with? the girl in the dress wrote you a song.” 

“YOU SHOULD HAVE KNOWN.”

how fucking fantastic, bombastic, AMAZING is this??? it goes from i should have known better, i should had stopped you. to YOU should had known. YOU SHOULD HAD KNOWN BETTER THAN TO BREAK ME AND ALL OF THESE PEOPLE. you should had KNOWN WHAT YOU DID WAS WRONG. YOU SHOULD HAD KNOWN YOU WERE WRONG.  WRONG ABOUT ME. WRONG ABOUT THEM. WRONG ABOUT YOUR DAUGHTER. AND THAT IS YOUR DOWNFALL. YOU SHOULD HAD KNOWN BETTER THAN TO BELIEVE ALL YOUR DERANGED THOUGHTS. YOU SHOULD HAD KNOWN BETTER THAN TO TRY AND BREAK ME BECAUSE NOW I AM GOING TO BREAK YOU. I AM GOING TO END THIS. and at the end he did, because his love, his bravery, his courage, his standing up to val.entine was what gave cl.ary the ultimate STRENGTH to do what she did, to do what she did FOR JAC.E (and she SAYS that, that jac.e would have wanted her to FIGHT) and follow his example, and BELIEVE IN HERSELF like he believed in HER AND IN HIMSELF now and end it. and they did.

#tmi spoilers_ #𝕤𝕖𝕓𝕒𝕤𝕥𝕚𝕒𝕟 𝕥𝕣𝕒𝕤𝕙 ↬ b talks #headcanon tag #canon for headcanon tag #𝕚𝕤𝕞𝕤 ↬ better in black than the widows of our enemies (jace herondale) #𝕗𝕒𝕥𝕙𝕖𝕣 ↬ long were the nights when my days once revolved around you (valentine morgenstern)

[spotlightsaga]

Kevin Cage of Spotlight Saga presents... A Rewind Review of the final episode of Quarry on Cinemax whose cancellation was just announced yesterday. As you'll see in the language of this article, I personally hold the show in high regard, even including it the Top 5 #BestOf2016 series we ran. Cinemax, who is owned by HBO claims they are revamping the network that is just now gaining a good wave of steam and building a respectable library. The Knick was also a groundbreaking series that recently received the axe from the same network, yet Strike Back that last ran in 2015 is already getting a reboot. What say you, Cinemax? We are incredibly disappointed by your decision to cancel this incredibly thought provoking Crime Drama set in a very real to life 1972 Memphis. Michael D Fuller, executive producer and co-creator of the show (along with (Graham Gordy) is a huge inspiration for me and for 'Spotlight Saga', inspiring me to include a more honest approach to political standpoints, something at the time I was very afraid to use in my writing. The following article was written shorty after the end of Quarry's Legendary 8-Episode run. Going forward, as much as I am frustrated with Cinemax, I think it's important to focus on the positives here and follow & support both Fuller & Gordy in any future projects or endeavors they may have. Thank you, Fuller. Thank you, Gordy. You have earned more than a few lifetime fans. Kevin Cage of Spotlight Saga reviews... Quarry (S01E08) Nuoc Cha Da Mon Airdate: October 28, 2016 (Cinemax) Ratings: Premium Cable/Streaming - Nielsen is Guessing! Score: 10/10 (An Extremely Rare Perfect Score) **************SPOILERS BELOW*************** *Poltical Views do NOT represent Spotlight Saga* Well, I asked for it... Basically begged for it, I even considered taking a day off work to just sit at home and watch it. Now, I've finally watched it, and I feel...changed. 'The Vietnam Scene' let's us peak into the PTSD origins and Mac's time at war, as well as providing a provocative theory on just what we might have been doing over there in the first place... Losing lives on both sides, our veterans returning home to a chorus of boos, met with thick walls of human disdain, and stop signs in every direction they turned. Single Camera, long take shots can be risky. Just look at Daredevil, a show that successfully used them in S1, then overused the same hallmark shots in S2. They simply cannot be your whole show, because one continuous 'sequence shot', particularly those that surround an upsetting action or disturbing sequence linger with the viewer, like the shots themselves linger on the situation at hand. In this case, a raid in Vietnam 🇻🇳 on a village with mainly fisherman, women, and children... Innocent lives lost in a war that in the end meant nothing but death, heartache, and terror. Of course that asshole of a captain commended Mac (Logan Marshall Green) and praised him to The Broker (Peter Mullan) at the end, 'He's a good soldier.' Yup, cuz he does what he's told without hesitation... Like firing the first shot without thinking, snowballing a cascade of death and chaos, topping off the whole experience by throwing a grenade into a covered pit that contained a toddler... A toddler who we are shown blown right out of the pit into fucking pieces. That's one thing that Quarry never does, shies away from violence, from the money shot... And it never feels exploitative, it just feels like that's the reality, a reality that the viewers should not be protected from. And so it goes... The Broker is no vigilante, tho he does give the people that he employs the benefit of small 'in-between' jobs that make them feel like they are doing good in the world. It's a game of chess, and he is Bobby Fischer in his prime, and a patriarch of the 70's... A king of a dirty unferbelly ruled by the almighty dollar and poppy fields as far as the eye can see. The day I wanted to take off work, just so happened to have three or four people at the bar discussing Vietnam. Of course, right? I immediately throw Quarry in the mix and of course, none of them had heard of it... Unsurprising, considering how hard it is just to obtain Cinemax, thank god for Amazon Video now! We discussed the length at which protesters treated the returning war veterans; Picketing, spitting, throwing objects, screaming and shoving homemade signs in their face... As if the soldiers ever had a choice in the matter. You enlist, You're drafted, you're trapped, you're owned, and just like Mac... If you are a good soldier you do what you're told like a goddamn robot, a machine without empathy, and then when you return home you have nothing. PTSD? In '72? Here's a pamphlet. 'Be glad the man has his legs and his arms,' the man at the VA tells Joni (#JodiBalfour) when she desperately seeks help for a man she cannot save herself. So there you have the people in control of our government, sending our brothers, sisters, fathers, and mothers over to fight a pointless war. Then you have the rich men, the patriarchs, who are able to come through and buy a slice of the action... A poppy field... A goldmine just waiting to make the rich man richer. And then you have protesters, mainly uninformed Regular Joes who only see the picture that's painted before them, like the SJW's today that picket and march through our major cities furthering the divide they claim they are trying to stop. Oh yes, that's the truth of the matter, a truth that blind rage and ignorance stop people from seeing. There is something inherently terrifying about the parallels of Vietnam 🇻🇳 to the wars and thousands deployed in countries like Iraq 🇮🇶 Iran 🇮🇷 Afghanistan 🇦🇫 Pakistan 🇵🇰 Kuwait 🇰🇼 Bahrain 🇧🇭 Saudi Arabia 🇸🇦 Syria 🇸🇾 Yemen 🇾🇪 And I could go on and on and on, places we have no business being, places that our country backwardly depends on for oil, or countries that have militias and terrorist organizations just sitting on oil fields holding them captive to prevent the chaos countries like ours and others have caused attempting to police the world and secure access to natural resources, while they themselves use the guns we have directly armed them with to oppress their people and then line the pockets of people like Hillary Clinton's with hundreds of thousands of dollars. No, I am no sympathizer, both sides make me sick. The whole thing makes me sick. Mostly, the human race makes me sick. A long time ago while living in San Francisco, I realized that the most beautiful and pure people are mostly at the bottom sleeping in the street or struggling at a minimum wage job, while the ugliest and ruthless people are at the top inviting a lucky few up to share in a night of debauchery, caressing their insecurities with thoughts of becoming their protégés or possible arm candy while their young and their beauty is still intact. Just last week, less than a month to go in his final term, Obama abolished the 'Wet Foot, Dry Foot' policy, a policy that helped save thousands of Cuban 🇨🇺 lives and helped build the great city of Miami that I call home... This done in the spirit to 'normalize relations with our one-time foe.' While abolishing this policy *COULD* indeed do just that, hidden behind that very controversial and well known policy; Another policy, The Cuban Medical Professional Parole Program, was also nixed. That lesser known policy allowed the opportunity for Cuban Medical Professionals to come to the US through other countries to earn residency, citizenship, and jobs. A sneaky move, one disguised as a way to strengthen the relations between The USA 🇺🇸 & Cuba 🇨🇺. Just one of many examples that not everything in the painting is portrayed as it should be or relaid to the public highlighting the big picture as a whole. This is a man who promised us CHANGE, but the majority of these promises of change were broken. Under the Obama Administration more Whistleblowers were jailed under the Espionage Act of 1917, imprisoned, or forced to seek asylum, like Snowden in Russia 🇷🇺 and of course famous Wikileaks founder, Julian Assange, who is literally living in an Ecuadorian 🇪🇨 Embassy in London 🇬🇧. Then today Obama grants clemency to Transgender Whistleblower Chelsea Manning, shortening her 35 year sentence to end 3 decades early in May of this year, 2017. Why, Obama? A PR move to distract from other last minute changes and to surge an approval rating on the way out? Something to think about, especially when he was so adamant about putting those that expose our government's truths, lies, and nasty cover-ups behind bars or strand them in foreign countries that don't exactly provide the same freedoms. Meanwhile last year was the first year that I was forced to pay taxes, and not just because I'm penalized for seeking affordable medical treatment for cash, and not pumping money into the Insurance Industry, the failure of Obamacare. All of this happening, and a rich white New York female actress named Lena Dunham tells the world that she's never had an abortion, but she wishes she had. WHY?! Meryl Streep uses an acceptance speech to rile up SJW's. And to add insult to injury, she says an art form and sport older than her 50x over, MMA and Combat Arts are not really arts. WHY?! God bless some of Meryl Streep's performances, they are truly cinematic gold, but that doesn't automatically make her the High Queen of all Art, deciding what earns that prestigious label and what does not. I try and promise myself that I will not get political in my reviews, but honestly when I write emotional parallels I seem to get the most responses. And because of great television series like 'Quarry' that most definitely gets my stamp for my list of #BestOf2016 TV Series), they inspire me to put my ideas out there, my life stories, my origins, my secrets, my heartaches, my tales of happiness and tragedy... Because of series like 'Quarry' I am more honest with you than I am with anyone else in my life. It's scary to put these very personal, private, and passionate views and experiences out there. Like I said, the one rule I try to set for myself is try to keep politics (or at least pick and choose my crusades and battles) out of it, and to treat those with opposing opinions with respect and class... But here we have a moving, haunting portrait of political injustice, and it's inspiring. It's hard to stay quiet when there is so much injustice surrounding us, so much ignorance. I have literally seen people I love with all my heart throw away meaningful, lifelong friendships over this sham of an election on both sides. I am not a conservative. I am not a liberal. I am a man who is happy with very little... I have a slice of paradise in a city where I am very much the minority. I'm happy living life one day at a time, living a quiet life and practicing different forms of artistic expression, over the years learning that my gift is worth a bit of money, but still getting the hang of making it the center of my universe. I'm no hired hitman, but I've abused this body with serving, bartending, and even go-go dancing... At one point I was literally working day shifts serving tables in Miami, getting off at 4 or 5pm, then driving to Ft Lauderdale, dancing without my clothes at night until the early morning, trying to catch a few low-paying DJ gigs in between. Like Mac, we all have our demons, demons that many of us will never quite shake. We can defeat them, learn to live as harmoniously as possible with them, or let them destroy us slowly. Quarry is a vivid and honest tale of political injustice, racial divides, struggling human beings just trying to survive in a world where the odds are stacked up against them, a tale of broken men and women, the moments that make us feel alive, the moments that haunt us, a tale of a human being struggling with their sexual identity in a brutally violent and unaccepting world, one that is engraved and hardwired into them, broken egos, and a tale of how people can easily be turned into puppets with the almighty dollar and a simple plant growing from God's green earth. I found it very fitting that before the last sequence of scenes Mac goes to cast his presidential vote. Unfortunately it always comes down to the lesser of two evils... Republicans or Democrats, but both are evil and wicked in their own individual ways. To #VoteLibertarian or Green is unheard of (though this idea is changing and becoming more of a reality now, thank god) and for many years I considered the act 'throwing away' my vote, but with the candidates becoming increasingly hard to differentiate the pros and cons... Maybe it's time that everyone starts voting Libertarian, Green, some sort of other growing Independent Party... Or like Mac, just write in the late, great Otis Redding. My Step-Father has taken to the practice, and he's right... If you can't beat em', don't join 'em, vote for somebody else, ANYONE. Ive been told this is a problem in all countries, so on a worldwide scale I'm not sure if even Hillary Clinton vs Donald Trump was even the hardest decision a voter has had to face... We had it easy, The Philippines 🇵🇭 had to settle for Rodrigo Duterte, a MADMAN who encouraged the people of his country to hunt down and murder people suffering from the disease of addiction. Somethings gotta give, the division I see in our world today frightens me, but most of all it saddens me. For now, here in the US, what's done is done. We must allow things to play out as if the world 🌎 was our television series. Stop the division. Stop the hate, on BOTH sides... And let's take things as I have learned to live, one day at a time. Being unified if things go wrong will be a lot better than being a nation torn apart. Maybe the future will surprise you, maybe it won't... Just hold on to your empathy and everything will be alright. It's the only thing we have left. We have to do better.

#Quarry #Cinemax #HBO #Quarry 1x06 #vietnam war #Political injustice #Spotlight Saga #Kevin Cage

[blacklister214]

New Lines Chapter (Some Day): Kaymond Fanfiction

A new chapter from my Kaymond fanfic. Keep an eye out for a few familiar Blacklist characters, we will be seeing more of them in the future! Enjoy!

The motel was a considerable step down from the Leningradskaya Hotel Raymond had left three months prior. The walls of the room were bare, save one mirror over the lone dresser. The television set that came with the room had all of three channels and looked like it had been purchased in the 1970s. Still, he was reasonably confident the sheets he now sat upon were clean. It was far from the worse place he'd ever waited for an asset.

Raymond had received word a few days ago that Katarina was heading stateside. Per their S.O.P., he'd placed an ad in the New York Times arranging a time and place for their meeting. The agents in Russia had sent him Katarina's dead dropped notes on her mission parameters. She was heading to Norfolk, Virginia to take over the management of an mercenary spy ring that had lost its original handler.

Raymond had gathered from Katarina's information that the group was falling apart. The original member, John Anthony Walker, a Naval officer, had walked into a Soviet Embassy in the late 1960s, selling a classified document and had been collecting a paycheck from the Reds ever since. He'd recruited his older brother Arthur and his son Michael to his cause. He'd also tried to involve his daughter Laura, who'd been in the Army, but she'd refused to participate, and quit the military to become a full-time mother.

The official counter-mission he'd planned was to gather evidence on the group, then leak it to a third party law enforcement organization to make the arrest. The idea was to plug the leak in such a way that it couldn't be traced back to Katarina.

Raymond heard the lock turn and stood, his heart beating slightly faster than it had been the moment before. The door swung open and suddenly she was there, the woman he'd been dreaming of nearly every night since he'd left her in Russia. Her hair had changed, gone from blonde to auburn. It suited her ivory skin, and her eyes, that could seem green or blue depending on the light.

"Were you able to get Katya and her family out?" Raymond shook himself. He needed to focus.

"Yes." When Raymond had managed to track down Katarina, he hadn't gone to his superiors at the Office of Naval Intelligence. They had made it very clear they had no confidence in him after what had transpired. Instead he'd hounded the Central Intelligence Agency until he'd eventually gotten a meeting with one of the their supervisors, a serious and shrewd man named Alan Fitch. Fitch had pushed Raymond's proposal up through the ranks, and gotten it approved. When Raymond returned from Russia, he'd gone to Fitch again for help and once again the man had come through. Raymond only hoped he could pay the company man back one day.

"I'm glad you were able to help them. Katya deserves better than to spend her life hiding."

Raymond raised an eyebrow. "Technically speaking that's exactly what she's come to the United States to do." Katarina shot him a look that plainly said he knew that wasn't what she meant.

"Changing your name doesn't change who you are. I know that better than anyone. At least here she can love who she loves without fear. Everyone should have right." Raymond cocked his head slightly to the side, somewhat surprised to hear Katarina speak of the US favorably in comparison with Russia.

"I wouldn't have expected you to be sympathetic." She once again fixed him with a hard look.

"The Soviet Union is my country. The doesn't mean I agree with everything they do. I'm sure you could say the same of the United States." Raymond broke Katarina's gaze. She did have a point.

"Fair enough. Did you meet with Walker?" Katarina nodded, distaste twisting her featured.

"Yes. He's concerned about his ex-wife Barbara. He claims she's a security risk we might want to 'take care off'. Please tell my counter-mission is to nail this bastard to the wall." Yet again Katarina had caught him Raymond off guard. He wouldn't have predicted the Russian agent would be eager to expose her comrades in the cause.

"Why the sudden enthusiasm for punishing Soviet spies? Seems a little strange, given your own professed allegiance." Would Raymond ever fully understand this woman?

Katarina's eyes flashed in anger. "I chose to serve Russia because of my mother and because I believed in their core ideology of equality. I betrayed my country, because I was trying to protect my family. John Walker sold out his country FOR MONEY. He involved two other members of his family in his treason FOR MONEY. He is asking me to kill his ex-wife, the mother of his children, FOR MONEY. John Walker is NOTHING like me."

She was magnificent. Strong. Passionate. He'd caught glimpses of her before, as ballet teacher Sara Dawson, as KGB Agent Rostova, as Masha's mother, but now he saw her fully. Katarina was all of them and none of them. She loved her family and her country. She believed motives mattered as much as actions. She was willing to die for what she thought was right.

"No. You're right. He's not." Katarina's seemed taken aback by his retreat. After a moment she dug into her pocket and removed a small recording device. She passed it to Raymond.

"Here's a copy of the conversation. If you play it for Barbara Walker, I think she'll cooperate, point the finger at John." Raymond turned the device over his hands.

"What about her son?" Katarina grimaced.

"She doesn't know Michael's involved." So they'd be tricking an unwitting mother into sending her child to jail. Raymond could tell from Katarina's expression that sit any better with her than it did with him. Still, they didn't have much of a choice.

"I'll go to Boston, get her cooperation, and talk to the local FBI. We can backdate the interview so it will appear this was set in motion while you were still in Russia. The feds can kick the report to the Norfolk office and they'll take care of the rest." Raymond knew he should be happier about this. It was a huge win victory, shutting down a spy ring that'd been operational for over a decade. That wasn't what was on his mind however. Instead all he could think about was the small piece of paper in his pocket and how he desperately didn't want to remove it.

Katarina stood, staring at him, waiting for him to say something indicating that their meeting had in fact ended. He sighed and instead fished the small white square from his coat. "One last thing. I need you to memorize this."

Katarina took the paper, scanned it for all of ten seconds, then handed it back to him. "Who is Sam Milhoan?"

Raymond dropped the paper into the ashtray on the room's nightstand."He's a smuggler. He does a lot of business providing goods for the Soviet black market." He used one of the motel's matches to set the note on fire.

"Why are you giving me his number?" Raymond reluctantly turned back to Katarina.

"If you ever find yourself in a situation like the one we faced in Moscow, call him. He'll help you." Raymond had meet Sam only a few years back, while Raymond was still in the Academy. He'd been fond of sneaking off campus when he couldn't to sleep, and heading down the ports.

One night he'd seen a man being jumped by three other men and he'd rushed in to help. The next day he'd been called in front of the superintendent to explain his mysteriously acquired bruises. They hadn't been able to prove what he'd been up to, so he'd merely been "fried", rather than expelled. Despite the rigid punishments that had followed, it had all been worth it. Not only had Raymond gained a true friend, but he'd also unwittingly acquired his first CI.

"You trust him?" Despite his vocation, Sam Milhoan was one of the most loyal and honorable men Raymond had ever known. When Raymond had been under review last year, more than a few of his fellow ensigns had mysterious evaporated from his life, not wishing to be tainted by association. Sam on the other hand had stuck by him, offering his assistance. It had been through one of Sam's contacts he'd been able to trace Katherine Richards to Katarina Rostova.

"Yes. He's a good man." Raymond took a deep breath in, painfully aware of the ramifications of his next words, "There's something else you should know. I lied to you." Katarina blinked at him.

"About what?" This was it, the moment he'd been dreading for the past few months.

"The United States government doesn't know as much about you as I've lead you to believe. They know about Sara Duncan and about Katarina Rostova. They don't know about Katherine Richards. They don't know about your father." He'd released the chains that had tied Katarina to him, to their agreement. He had deliberately betrayed his country.

"Why are you telling me this?" Because he loved her. Because he wanted her to live. Because he didn't want his daughter to grow-up without a mother.

"You could take Masha and run." He would never see them again. He'd never hold Katarina in his arms. He'd never watch her take her first steps. Still, they'd be free. He could make that trade. He was strong enough for that.

"No, I can't do that." Now it was Raymond's turn to blink. What did she mean, 'no'?

"If you stay you'll die, or end up in jail."

"If I run they would never stop hunting me. Besides I can't just leave...everything behind." Konstantin. Of course, that was what this was about. She didn't want to leave her husband.

"Konstantin loves you. He'd come with you, if you asked him." Saying the words felt like choking up vomit, but he managed. If the Russian businessman was what Katarina needed to make the choice that would save her life than so be it.

"Ask him to give up him to give up his whole life? Everything he's worked for? No. I couldn't do that. It wouldn't be fair to him." Fair? What was she talking about? Konstantin would have her and Masha. What man could ask for more than that?

"Why not?" Katarina's looked at him incredulously, as though he were missing something obvious.

"You know why not." Raymond was immediately transported to the hotel room where Katarina had given birth. She gotten angry at him for refusing to leave her and he'd asked why she'd cared. She'd told him that he'd known. The piece of his heart that had been dead since the moment he'd realised she was a KGB plant had suddenly pulsed back to life. Did she...love him? It seemed impossible, a foolish hope, and yet...

"No, I don't. Tell me." Katarina's eyes were filled with painful regret.

"Please don't make this harder than it already is." She turned to leave, but in two short steps Raymond caught her arm and turned her towards him.

"Say it, out loud. Say it." They were inches apart. He could smell the lavender scent of her hair. Every nerve ending in his body was alive, waiting for her to say something, to do something. Finally Katarina looked up at him.

"I love Konstantin...but not the way I love you." The words were barely out of her mouth before he claimed it for a kiss that was immediately and hungrily returned. The past year vanished like a bad dream and suddenly he was back in her arms where he belonged.

Raymond picked Katarina up and carried her to the bed, not caring about what had come before, or what would come after. They were here, now, together. Nothing mattered but that.

Hours later Raymond was laying in bed, shameless staring at a sleeping Katarina, feeling a genuine contentment he hadn't known in twelve months. The small, modest motel room had miraculously become his personal heaven and he never wanted to leave it. Hell, he never even wanted to leave the bed. On an impulse he leaned over and kissed Katarina's forehead. Her eyes slowly opened and she greeted him with a sleepy smile.

"I missed you." Katarina's smile broadened at his confession and she ran her hand lightly across his chest.

"I missed you too." Raymond was deeply tempted to let her fingers continue their travels, but there were things on his mind that seemed too pressing to put off.

"I'm sorry." Katarina, eyebrows puckered together, as though she couldn't imagine what he could be referring to.

"For what?"

"For hunting you down. For making you a double agent. For putting you in more danger." If something happened to her because of what he'd done...

Katarina gently stroked his cheek. "In your place I would done the same thing. Besides if you hadn't found me, I would never have seen you again." Raymond took her hand and kissed her palm in gratitude for the absolution she so freely granted him.

"How's Masha?" Katarina smiled warmly at his inquiry.

"Wonderful. Although I've never been more grateful for my sleep deprivation training." Raymond found himself laughing softly at her joke. The casual reference to the KGB no longer stung the way it once would have.

"I remember that from when Jennifer was a newborn. One night I was so tired I accidentally filled the baby bottle with hot coffee." Carla had walked in in time to stop him, fortunately. The thought of his wife sent a sudden, unwelcome surge of guilt through him. He'd been unfaithful. Disloyal. Things he swore he'd never be.

"I wasn't going to go through with the pregnancy." Katarina's rushed words brought Raymond out of his dark thoughts.

"What?"

"I only kept the baby for Konstantin, because he wanted a family so badly. I thought of her as a curse. Now I look at her and I am overwhelmed by what a miracle she is. I can't imagine my life without her." Raymond thought back to the small, sweet face with large blue eyes and his heart began to ache. When Rostov had burst into the hotel and asked Raymond to relinquish the baby it had taken every ounce of self-control to comply. Masha was his daughter. She belonged with him.

"We could go. The three of us. You, me, and Masha. We could disappear." Between the two them, they could get the money and papers. They could do this, together. Start over, leave it all behind them. No more handlers, no more spying, no more secrets, just them.

Raymond watched as Katarina mulled his proposal over in her mind. The fact that it wasn't an immediate rejection was comforting. She did want this. She did want him. Still something was obviously troubling her.

"What about Jennifer? I know you Raymond. You'd never forgive yourself for abandoning her. What about Masha? What kind of a life would that be for her, growing up on the run?" Raymond's heart sunk. She wasn't wrong. He loved Jennifer. He'd promised her that he'd be there for her. To disappear forever and never see her again was unthinkable. And Masha deserved a stable home, Katarina was right about that as well. He was trapped. They both were.

"I don't want lose you. Either of you." Katarina leaned over, tears in her eyes and kissed him.

"You won't. This war won't last forever. Some day things will be different." It was a desperate hope, but it was all they had to hold onto. Raymond nodded, resigned.

"Some day." He pulled Katarina to him, newly determined to make the most of the precious time they had. A conviction filled him, stronger than any he'd ever felt, that he would not rest unless the Soviet Union fell and the KGB was no more. On that day, they would all be free.

#Kaymond #fanfiction #lines #katarina rostova #Raymond Reddington