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#ah the bliss and anguish
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Burnt (2015) Daniel Brühl as Tony Balerdi
When someone *just* discovers the wonders of your Blorbo—e.g. an actor you've spent years worshipping—and you know EXACTLY what this obsession entails.
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deadpandom · 7 days
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𝐏𝐈𝐋𝐋𝐎𝐖 𝐏𝐑𝐈𝐍𝐂𝐄𝐒𝐒
𝐃𝐀𝐙𝐀𝐈 𝐗 𝐑𝐄𝐀𝐃𝐄𝐑
꧁❧𝐀/𝐍: i know this lazy man would definitely be a pillow princess Σ(-᷅_-᷄๑)☙꧂
꧁❧𝐂𝐎𝐍𝐓𝐄𝐍𝐓 𝐖𝐀𝐑𝐍𝐈𝐍𝐆𝐒: mommy kink, Sub!Dazai, sex toys, overstimulation, multiple orgasms, pegging, squirting ☙꧂
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Dazai whines impatiently as he tries to fuck himself on your silicone cock,large hands groping your breasts as he squirms, desperately trying to get some pressure on his prostate.
"Cmonnn," He moans out. "I can't do it by myself, Mama.
You roll your eyes playfully and buck up into him. He gasps out as he arches his back,obviously not expecting that direct thrust into his prostate. Dazai leans forward to brace himself on your chest,hips sloppily grinding down on your cock,desperatly chasing that feeling.
He groans in frustration,looking down at you with a scowl on his face. You smile innocently up at him before grabbing his hips and beginning to fuck up into him at a brutal pace. Dazai mouth falls open as the force of your thrusts bounces him on your lap.
"Yesss just like that, mama." He hisses out as he throws his head back,hand drifting to his cock while he chases his orgasm. You slap his hand away and slow down considerably, Dazai whines in anguish as he writhes on your lap.
"Stop fucking teasing," Dazai growls out "Fuck me mama- mommy please?"
A knot of heat gathers in your lower stomach at his words before you flip the two of so he's on his back and your staring down at his flushed face. Dazai stares up at you while a smirk slowly spreads on his face.
"I knew you couldn't say no to me." He says proudly.
You silence him quickly with a well aimed thrust,hips pistoning in and out of his tight hole. Dazai cries out something unintelligible as his hands grasp at the sheets underneath him.
"You really can't do anything without me helping you can you Dazai?" You croon out as you thrust into his trembling body,hips rolling to target the sweet spot inside him.
"M'sorry," Dazai gasps out "sorry mommy."
Poor thing doesn't even look like he knows what he's sorry for,his eyes rolled back,face flushed a gorgeous red. You smile down at him and cup his face in your free hand gently.
"Don't be sorry baby,be a good pillow princess and cum on my cock." You say gently as Dazai nods his head,his legs spreading wider as you fuck him fast and hard. He cries out when your hand wraps around his swollen cock,gently stroking it as you grind into his prostate.
"Need to cum mommy," Dazai moans as he fucks up into your hand "so close,need it mama."
You speed up your hand on his cock and kiss his forehead tenderly. He mewls loudly as long ropes of cum spurt from his cock,his balls drawing up while he cums hard. You let go of his twitching cock but keep thrusting into him.
"Ah! Ahh, too much. " Dazai whines out as you grind into his overstimulated hole. His eyes are wide as he jerks and shakes his head,shaky gasps falling from his bitten pink lips.
"Take it baby,lie down and take it." You purr out while you watch,with sadistic fascination, his cock slowly getting hard again. Dazai shudders violently,registering the look in your eye,he throws an arm over his eyes with a shaky moan.
You pull the arm away from his face with a quiet "nuh uh" and you lace you fingers with his. Quickly adjusting your grip on his bony hip,you grind into his prostate slowly. Dazai's eyes screw shut as he digs his heels into the bed,you smile gently down at him as you bring him to the edge again slowly.
"Feels so good mommy," Dazai mumbles as he stretches slightly,his back arching while you reach out for his neglected cock. He whimpers out a plea when you grab it,you reach towards the bed side desk with a sudden idea.
Dazai's eyes are closed in lazy bliss before a tight,squishy something envelopes his sensitive cock. His eyes snap open as a startled moan fills the air along with the sqeulching of the fleshlight going up and down his cock.
Dazai is practicaly panting as he tries to fuck up into the flashlight and also push the dick deeper into his prostate. His eyes are hazy as he stares down at the fleshlight gripping his cock,you smile in absolute delight at the sight in front of you.
"Faster mommy," Dazai groans, tears beading on his lashes "Milk my cock,please? It hurts s'bad."
That's all you need to hear because you immediately begin to fuck into him eagerly,your hand squeezing and stroking the fleshlight on his dick. His body jerks while you abuse his cute cock,his face scrunched up as he topples over the edge.
Dazai fucks into the fleshlight desperately,his cock twitching as he fills it,his abs tensing as his body abruptly hurtles towards another orgasm.
"Still- still cumming!" His balls draw up,desperately trying to produce more semen to fill the fleshlight. Dazai is sobbing and writhing, his cock getting more and more sensitive. You lift the fleshlight up so it covers only the flushed the head of his cock.
You squeeze the the fleshlight a couple times on the the tip to tease him but you watch in surprise as Dazai's entire body jerks,his long limbs flail a little before his hand shoots out and grabs your wrist. You tilt your head and keep moving the fleshlight solely over the head of his cock. Dazai jerks again and babbles about how weird it feels before he stills and his cock jerks.
Dazai let's out a low moan that travels into a high whine as he squirts out a clear liquid,his jaw clenches while he fucks the soaked fleshlight. You watch on with a slack jaw, watching him arch and writhe on the bed before going limp.
You lift the fleshlight of his cock and lay a soft kiss on it,stifling a giggle as his hips jerk weakly. You climb up his body and wipe his sweaty hair away from his forehead. Dazai cracks an eye open and smiles slightly,you just can't help but smile back.
"My cute pillow princess," you kiss his hand mockingly as Dazai scoffs.
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Don't fuck with my man
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"I have a idea for it 😉 maybe they had a big argument and there having like a break 😞 and the dude from the previous one is flirting with reader and he flirts back and yk jealousy jealously. Then like more stuff you can add"
@dozcan123 for you!! (´▽`ʃ♡ƪ)
Again absolutely love a jealous Quaritch
Warnings: swearing, smut, voyeurism
Human!Quaritch x Masc!reader
There was screaming, shouting, some amount of things thrown and in the end you'd stormed away. Boyfriend or not you would not let him speak like that to you. So for now you were on a break. Not broken up! Just needing to cool off.
Still he seemed to haunt you around the base. Glimpses of his muscular frame before you'd turn and see nothing. You'd chalk it up to your mind playing tricks on you but you knew how possessive he could be.
You were on a break but you wouldn't use that as an excuse to see other people. Deep down you loved him, even when he was being an ass. The idea of another man's hands on him set a restless anger coursing through you.
You stewed in the gym with Lyle today. The other man was on eggshells with you. Clearly Miles had said something to him but he wasn't going to expand on that. Instead he just hovered around you, spotting you or working out near by. You didn't appreciate the company. Your other friends had been kind enough to give you some space to collect yourself.
It was quiet at least. No one else seemed to have come by at this hour. Leaving you first pick of whatever equipment you'd be taking your anger out on. You swung a furious punch at the sand bag making it smack rather hard against Lyle behind it.
"Ah fuck!" He grunted as he peaked out from behind the thing. "Look it's getting late I gotta head off." Lyle said. He stepped off to the bench to grab his things. He paused a moment watching you stay by the bag. Lyle sighed taking the hint finally and leaving you in peace.
Or so you thought.
"Aww things okay at home babe." A man laughed as he came round the corner. Ben, that flirty asshole that just couldn't seem to take no for an answer. You'd had to keep quiet about most of his advances to Miles. He'd have his head for less.
"Not in the mood, piss off." You grunted before taking another swing at the bag. He slinked over draping his form on the back of the bag, stilling it as you kept swinging.
"Come on, worried Papa Dragon's gonna catch us..." Ben purred before grunting at your swings impact.
"Catch us what Ben? Catch me kicking your ass?" You snorted before landing another kick against the bag. Ben groaned again but you heard him chuckle. An anger flared though you and you shot another volley of hits though to him.
"Oh surly we could be having more fun then that." He said.
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He wasn't following you, Quaritch was just looking out for you. Word travels, folk knew he was pissed so folk might take advantage of that. Try and swoop in on what was his.
When Lyle tipped him off to you being alone he was moving before he'd even finished the thought. That prick Ben had been hovering all week, fucking vulture. Tiniest scent of blood and this guy was right at you.
His veins chilled as he rounded the corner. Through the glass divider he could see into the gym. Could see Ben rutting against the punching bag as you sent hit after hit against him through it. The sight made his stomach churn.
His flushed features, face twisting in some vile bliss as he took your hits. The vibrations of each swing, thrust, ricocheting through his nerves.
Quaritch could have stormed in, thrown that Ben to the ground but he caught your face too. The rage pulling at features he adored so much, the pain and anguish that he knew was his fault.
He wished desperately to smooth away those lines, to kiss each valley until you were his again. Would you spurn him? Spit venom at him again till you were both crimson and burning.
Furious Quaritch turned and crashed back out the door. He cursed and swore, tossing a bin to the ground as he passed it. If you were done so be it.
Only he couldn't move another step. A firm hand grabbed his wrist and stopped his escape. He turned sharply ready to blow off some steam on whatever idiot had cornered him now. Only his face fell, softening at your concerned eyes.
You were stunning. Heaving chest, slick skin, those tattoos he loved so much on display. He tried so hard to hold his anger, to imagine Ben's display but it was hard. All he managed was to keep a frown set on his brow.
Still your eyes met his with the unwavering confidence he'd always admired. You'd never squirreled away from him, never been threatened by him and he loved it. He was free with you and he missed that feeling so much.
"You not got Ben to finish off..." He bit. Immediately regretting the sentence as he watched your jaw clench. Biting back your own anger it seemed and it made his own jaw tick in response.
"I don't want Ben." You said, gaze locked on his own. Quaritch could crack under you, be split apart and lain bare. You wormed your way under his skin every time and made your home in his rib cage, curling round his heart. Your words always set a fire in him. Suppose it was up to him whether he'd be warmed or burn on that pyre.
Quaritch dragged a deep breath in through his nostrils and gritted his teeth. You hand still held his wrist the grip turning from almost harsh to soft. Fingers dancing up his arm and coming to rest by his pulse.
"I won't say I'm sorry." Quaritch said.
"I know." You whispered back. Palm still tracing up to his cheek now and Quaritch couldn't help leaning into it. He turned his face kissing roughly into the skin. Quaritch's eyes screwed closed, savoring the heat of your skin. He could feel you smiling at him through the dark and grinned against your skin.
He let his hands move to your skin, pulling under your shirt to rub your sides. You molded against him, arching to be closer still. Your hands moved behind his head as you pulled him down to you.
Chapped lips moved over his tenderly and he darted a tongue out. He swiped against moving in as your lips parted. He groaned into you, twitching to life against you. God he wanted to to take you here, right in the hall against the glass. Show the whole fucking planet just how good he was to you. Wasn't like anyone was around at this time to catch you both anyway.
He turned you against him walking you forward until you were flush against the glass. You gasped against the cool surface and he chuckled, rolling his hip into your ass. He felt you shiver before grinding back against him. His large hands traced under your gym clothes, one slipping up against your chest. You keened as he pinched a nipple and mouthed against the back of your neck.
You groaned hands flying back to make more contact. Gripping his head, nails scrapping along his scarred scalp and kneading into his hip. Desperate for his touch, maybe missing him as much as he did you.
Quaritch reached further under your shirt to your throat, squeezing against his as he ran a tongue over your ear.
"Eager are we?" He groaned as you continued rubbing back against his erection. The thin fabric of your shorts let him feel your curves, your heat as you moved. He reached his other hand from your abdomen to trace down to just above where your shorts tented.
"Who do you belong to?" He growled against your ear. Your body shuddered against his, your hands gripping him and trying to pull him closer still.
"I'm yours. Please..." you whined. Quaritch smirked, running his finger under the waist band as he teased.
"And I'm?" He continued, spying movement out the corner of his eye. He didn't need to advert his gaze to know who it was, he'd know Ben anywhere. Still he reveled in his stillness, the gaping and bobbing mouth. What would he do? Would he watch Quaritch prove how worthless he was?
Still the idea of him enjoying your moans, your form, anything of you bit into him. So Quaritch shifted his gaze, letting a glare fall on the other man as he rutted into your ass. Ben glaring back as Quaritch reached in and took your cock in his hand. He kept eye contact as Quaritch let you thrust into his fist.
"You're mine." You growled under him as your arched back against him. Chest flush against your back as your head turned to his, forehead rubbing his stubbled cheek. Quaritch was sure you could see Ben now too but it didn't slow your movements. Nor the keening groans and whines that were coming breathy from your lips.
If Miles could think straight he'd have torn Ben to shreds by now. For seeing even half of this he'd do worse but he couldn't stop chasing the friction against you. Pumping hard stokes down the length of your cock, desperate for your high more than his own.
Still he felt his own ecstasy coiling and burning through him. Almost dizzying arousal fueling every snap of hips against the curve of your ass. You hand was searing against his face, turning him away from Ben to lock him in a frenzied kiss.
You groaned again, growling into his mouth as your tongue tasted him. Your rolling hips stuttering as he thumbed over the head of your cock.
"Come for me." Miles growled against your lips. You moaned his name out cumming hard against the glass. Painting seed against the smooth surface.
Quartch couldn't contain his own fast approaching orgasm. Taking a hand from its grip around your throat to free himself from the confines for his trousers. Your hand tipped to him, pumping him through his high as his own release hit the glass.
He breathed hard, head tipping into your shoulders as he came down. Your hands trailing up his hip, past your head to rub his hair. Your eyes were turned to where Ben watched and he felt an odd satisfaction at your mocking glare.
Quaritch straightened up, tucking himself away as he slung an arm over your shoulder. He guided you away, loving how your eyes immediately locked onto him. He tossed a look over his shoulder as you both walked away.
Ben had remained frozen, a mix of anger and shame mixing as his eye's remained locked on the window. Quaritch's chest swelled as he you called back.
"Clean that up will yah?" You called without turning your head back. Quaritch barked a loud laugh pulling your shoulder closer into his chest.
"That's an order Private." He added looking down at your half lidded smirk.
"Think we can make it to the dorms before round two?" You purred.
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unknown-lab · 1 year
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What is Love? (Part 2)
Pairing: Dazai Osamu x reader
Genre: Angst
Warnings: Cheating
Part 1: What is Love?
Here you go, part 2! This is kinda rushed, and I wasn't planning on making part 2, but a lot of people requested for it. So here it is, enjoy!
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Amidst whispered echoes, they proclaimed the essence of existence. With hope blooming, I embraced a fleeting glimpse of bliss, only to witness his departure. If this is what so-called normal life is, I'd rather not go through it again.
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So here I am, leaning on the balcony railing, gazing at the view before me. A theme park lies not far away, where Dazai and I would go on dates. It was a joyful place, and I imagine him now, perhaps creating new memories with someone else, riding roller coasters together. On the other side, there's a beach—a serene spot Dazai would take me to when life became overwhelming. It may not have been as thrilling as the theme park, but it offered solace. Could they be there now, strolling together and reminiscing, just as we used to?
To others, the view would be filled with vibrant colors, but for me, it's now shrouded in shades of gray, black, and white. No vibrant hues remain. Ah, if I were to leap from this 20th-floor balcony, where would I end up? Heaven or Hell? There seems to be nothing left to lose; I've already lost everything.
Climbing onto the railing, I hold onto the wall for support, tears streaming down my cheeks. Why… Why must I endure this pain? Why is it that others can simply live happily…? If I take that leap, everything will come to an end…
Suddenly, a door slams, jolting me from my thoughts. Before I can react, a strong force pulls me back, wrapping me in a warm embrace. Held tightly, I find solace in the arms that envelop me, soothing my anguish. It feels as though this person understands my pain. In that moment, I don't care who he is—all I want is to release everything I've been holding inside. And deep down, I sense that he's not a bad person.
As the storm within me subsides, I look up at him, still cradled in his embrace. Slowly, I pull away and ask, "Why are you here?" This person before me is my therapist, whom I've been seeing for the past two years. I used to have numerous issues before I met Dazai, and my therapist and I would have weekly sessions. However, as time went on and I grew closer to Dazai, our meetings became less frequent—sometimes once a month or even longer intervals.
"You missed your appointment. And… you mentioned that if you ever missed one, I should come to check on you." He releases me and gently wipes away my tears. It becomes evident that he genuinely cares for his patients. "Please don't do that again."
After explaining what occurred, he offers to continue helping me as my therapist. Every day after work, he visits my apartment to ensure I'm not engaging in self-destructive behavior. Even when he's too busy, he sends thoughtful messages and arranges for food delivery. Initially, I felt guilty for burdening him and rejected his assistance numerous times. However, he remained insistent, stating that it was in my best interest. I cannot deny that I appreciate his unwavering support.
During his extended breaks, he takes me on vacations overseas. Over time, his presence has helped me heal from the heartbreak I experienced months ago. Though thoughts of Dazai still cross my mind occasionally, my therapist is always there to gently redirect my focus. I've ceased dwelling on him and started concentrating on my career. And as for… any feelings I may have for my therapist, I choose to keep them to myself, maintaining the professional boundaries of our relationship.
On a Christmas night,
as we head back to my place, I notice a familiar silhouette standing outside my house—it's Dazai. I wonder why he's here. He hasn't changed one bit; his presence is a reminder of a past I'm trying to move on from.
"You can go home first. Thank you for escorting me back. I might have something to attend to…" I apologize to my therapist, feeling sorry for disrupting our evening.
"It's alright. I'll stay here with you. What if you become sad again?" He steps aside, offering me a comforting smile. I can't quite grasp his emotions; since I've known him, he has always maintained a calm expression—after all, he's a therapist.
I approach Dazai, and he greets me with a smile. "May I help you?" I ask, returning the smile.
"Who's that?" Dazai looks at my therapist, confusion apparent on his face.
"Oh, him? He's my therapist," I reply, hoping to alleviate any concerns.
"Why is he here with you?" Dazai raises an eyebrow, growing even more puzzled.
"We went for a walk. Is there a problem?" My therapist joins us, casually draping his arm over my shoulder and drawing me closer.
"I see…" Dazai's expression turns to amusement, recognizing that our relationship extends beyond the confines of a typical doctor-patient dynamic. "Well then, I have somewhere else to be, and... Merry Christmas." Without waiting for a response, he walks away, his hands casually tucked into his pockets.
I call out his name, aching to understand the purpose of his visit. He can't simply be here to wish me Merry Christmas. There must be something more. Pushing my therapist's arm away, I rush after Dazai, grabbing his shoulder to make him face me.
"Why were you here?" I ask, my breathing slightly labored.
"To wish you a Merry Christmas, of course." Dazai tilts his head slightly and glances at his watch. "Is there anything else you need? I really must go now."
Unable to resist, I muster the courage to ask him. Memories flood my mind, overwhelming me. I've always been someone who struggles to let go.
"Do you think we can start anew?" I inquire, averting my gaze. I'm aware my current expression may not be ideal for this moment. I understand that I'm deluding myself—that compared to him, I'm insignificant. It's him who should be apologizing, not me. But those thoughts fade into insignificance now…
"Appreciate what you have in the present. The more you yearn, the more it can betray you," he responds, patting my head gently. I sense hesitation in his touch, perhaps a tinge of guilt. Surprisingly, his words don't wound me further; instead, they offer confirmation that it's time for me to move forward. I watch as he enters the elevator, and just before the doors close, he utters one last phrase.
"Perhaps in the next life, I'll treat you better."
Dazai's POV
Ah, she has found someone new, someone who can offer her the love and care she deserves. It's a relief to see her in the arms of someone who can support her fragile heart. I know I failed her in so many ways, and she deserves someone who can truly understand and cherish her.
As I watch her with her new partner, I can't help but feel a mix of emotions—regret, sadness, and a glimmer of hope for her future happiness. I know deep down that I wasn't the right person for her, that my own demons and shortcomings prevented me from being the partner she needed.
I reflect on the pain I caused her, the heartbreak that lingers as a reminder of my mistakes. She may appear strong and independent on the outside, but I know she has a vulnerable side that requires genuine support and care. And I have come to terms with the fact that I am not capable of providing that for her.
As I observe her moving on, finding solace in the presence of another, I hold onto the hope that in the next life, if fate allows, we may cross paths again. Perhaps then, I can learn from my past mistakes and be the person she truly deserves. I want nothing more than to see her genuinely happy, even if it means it won't be with me.
So, for now, I'll take solace in the fact that she has found someone who can bring a genuine smile to her face. And in the depths of my heart, I silently hope that in the next life, I'll have the opportunity to make amends and treat her with the love and respect she deserves.
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rillils · 6 months
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so prompt generator said:
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and I just ran with it :3
Rating: Explicit Wordcount: 458 Tags: vampire!AU, vampire!Bucky, post-serum Steve, little bit of smut because the brain said so, does this qualify as a (very smol) PWP, i think it does??, *anguished screaming in the background*
Lips. Wet lips at his neck, sucking slow, languorous kisses against Steve’s pulse.
“Ah.”
Bucky kissed him as though he were collecting drops of honey off his skin, lapping at the golden stickiness with the tip of his tongue first, then with the kiss-ripe softness of his mouth, precise and unrushed – one kiss, here – and here – and here, Mhmm.
Now and then a glimpse of teeth, the faintest suggestion of a bite that would not come just yet, not just yet, and made Steve’s spine tingle with anticipation. Now, he wanted to whisper, lick the word into Bucky’s mouth so he would understand, now, Now, please.
He wrapped his arms around Bucky’s shoulders, and ground his hips down into Bucky’s lap, slow as he knew how, gasping as Bucky’s cock stroked deep inside of him, the flickering heat of stars sparking bright and sudden in his belly.
“Sweetheart,” Bucky moaned into the hollow of his throat, and his teeth tugged at Steve’s flesh, the hot cavern of his mouth slotting into place over Steve’s thrumming heartbeat – and Steve could feel it, finally, finally, the pinprick of fangs poised to sink just under the shell of his skin, to drink him in lazy, greedy gulps, consume every drop he was willing to give – only for Bucky to release him again after one, dizzying moment.
Steve groaned, throwing his head back in a fit of amused frustration. “They don’t teach you not to play with your food, Buck?”
Bucky nosed along his jawline, grinning.
“Nah,” he rumbled, the sound dripping hot into Steve’s gut, his breath warm where it gusted against Steve’s skin. “I was taught to savor it,” he said. “Nice and slow.”
His hands held palmfuls of Steve’s ass, spreading him gently apart as he fucked into him with no hurry at all, slick and sweet, measuring inch for inch until Steve’s fingernails were digging into the meat of his shoulders. Bucky hummed a low, velvety note of pleasure then, his nose nestled right at the hinge of Steve’s jaw. “Yeah, just like that.”
Steve chuckled breathlessly, his fingers winding up and into Bucky’s hair to twine with the sweat-damp locks. “And are you gonna?” he asked, willingly falling into the painstaking rhythm Bucky’s hands coaxed him into, a dance designed to drive him mad, mad with bliss. “Savor me?”
Bucky grasped his hips, thumbs fitting over the crests of his bones, and Steve licked his own lips hungrily as he felt his body, as Bucky must feel it, rocking again and again under Bucky’s hands, his thighs burning deliciously as he rode at half-pace, and took, and took, and took, desperate to give back.
“Oh, I’m gonna,” Bucky rasped, a wolfish smile pressed to Steve’s fluttering pulse. “Stevie.”
Sharp canines grazed over his skin like a promise, like a warning and a prayer at once.
Steve tipped his head back – “Yes.” – and at last, let himself be tasted.
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trashland-llamas · 10 months
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Apologia Pro Vita Sua
Written as a part of the @extremetimedchallengeexchange ; Prompt was Wilbur experiencing physical sensations after being revived again (showering, eating, starving, drinking, thirst, warmth)
Can also be found on AO3
Climbing out of a grave was tiring, Wilbur discovered. Almost keeling over after he stood up, clothes covered in dirt. He couldn’t tell why his stomach hurt so badly. Or why his limbs were so stiff. Confused as to why his skin pebbled, the hair on his arm raised upward. Crouching down, he brushed the tombstone, reading aloud, ‘Here lies Wilbur Soot. September 14 1996—January 6 2021…I died?’ His feet carried him to the last place he called home. A van abandoned in the white dessert sand. The moon his only light source.
As he walked, brief echoes of Wilbur’s life trickled back into his conscious. The victory of L’Manberg’s independence, a place any lost soul could call home. The anguish when he lost his beloved symphony to Schlatt. How his mind played tricks on him, unable to even trust himself. But this, this was a new leaf. If only he could figure out what these sensations that plagued his physique meant. Gasping at the little heat that shot through him, rubbing his hands together. ‘I used to, fire. I need fire.’ The image of rubbing sticks together in snow. Fingers stumbling to turn the stove nob on, holding his hands a few inches away. A blissful sigh escaping Wilbur’s lips as his shivers melted away.
‘Ah!’ Stamping out the flames that kissed his gloves. ‘I relent, I relent Mother Nature. Let’s not burn the place down. Technically, no one knows I’m back,’ grumbling to himself as he walked to the compact mini-fridge. With the light bouncing off the metal exterior, Wilbur finally noticed his gaunt face staring back at him. Purple bags under his eyes, nose and cheeks tinged a rosy red. Pulled out of his contemplation when his stomach growled. ‘Alrighty, what’s not expired?’ The fridge oddly filled to the brim with groceries, as if someone was still living there. ‘Guess I could make a grilled cheese and some soup.’ Something low effort.
Putting a slice of butter and a slice of cheese on the bread, Wilbur waited. The sizzling sound made his mouth water. The memory of Philza’s cooking filled him with a sense of guilt. He didn’t live to the expectations he set for himself. He’d failed himself and those closest with all the relationships he had ruined. Flipping it onto a plate he found in the cabinets. Eating out of the soup can, not caring enough to bother heating it. The rare downside to scarfing it down was the pang of painful fullness. ‘Of all things, didn’t think that could hurt me.’ Remembering to turn off the stove.
Everything else taken care of, the grime on his skin and clothes was quite obvious. Jumping out at him to scrub it off. Turning on the sink’s facet for a brief second to check if there was still running water since last he’d been in the shack. Wilbur grabbed a towel and a change of clothes before walking to the bathroom. Shucking off the clothes he was buried with, hand twisting the knob until it was warm enough, not wanting to become cold again. Couldn’t bare it after all the energy that he didn’t have that it took to warm up.
Humming a little tune as he re-familiarized himself with all the items in a shower. The net material of a loofa and a soap bar. Watching as the water turned brown with all the dirt Wilbur was caked in. How everything felt alien to him despite these simple actions being instilled in his routine all those years ago. Drying off, Wilbur fell asleep as soon as his head hit the pillows.
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perverse-idyll · 1 year
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5 Things You Never Get Tired of Writing
 Ah, thanks for tagging me, @billsfangearring! I am remarkably witless when it comes to thinking in terms of tropes and personal obsessions. So I’m just going to fake it. Tagging @danpuff-ao3, @titconao3, @liladiurne, @vulnerasanenturmyprince, @squibstress
rules: list five things you never get tired of writing. it can be tropes, themes, characters, phrases, whatever brings you joy. then tag five people!
1. I never seem to tire of describing Severus Snape, eyes, hands, greasy hair - even his arse (that’s for you, @consistentsquash​, but I can’t deny it!). I love inflicting a Pathetic Fallacy on him, making his physical landscape reflect his emotional murkiness, the impact he has on the POV character (usually Harry), not to mention blurring the boundary between imperfectly, unpleasantly human and melodramatically, even mythically larger-than-life. I hope that makes sense. I enjoy translating Snape’s moral ambiguities into the messy human dimension  while also leaning hard on ‘the uncanny’ (a way of othering Snape to make him vibrate at a different frequency than that self-same ordinary human version). I guess I want him to exist in between these two states. That’s the only reason I can think of for persisting in writing the extended version of The Lost World. No one needs this story! But Snape as Faust (or maybe that’s Al’s role?), Snape as Cupid, as Tam Lin, as the serpent in the garden… Ugh, this sounds so pretentious. And not Potterish at all! So much for concision. Anyway. You get the idea. My lavish physical descriptions of Snape act as gateways to the Mystery of the Interior. (Yes, I’m being tongue-in-cheek.) But I’ll stop now before my first “thing” on the list turns into an essay. 🙄 And because this reads as completely incoherent. Ah, one more almost-forgotten note: I love to describe Snape sensuously. To bestow on him an erotic existence and subvert or just plain ignore the penalties visited upon ugliness. So if you don’t want to read about Snape pacing through a story being a bitter, hot, fucked-in-the-head, smoldering, ugly man, avoid my fic.
2. Um, thing two. Bittersweet redemptions. Tragic redemptions, too. Also failed redemptions: see Mine the Gall. I’m using the term loosely, because maybe it's just a recovery or a realization, one earned but at a cost that may or may not have been worth it. This is a divide between reader me and writer me. As a reader, yes, sure, bring on the happy endings. They’re the perfect balm to balance the fics that wring my heart (which I grapple to me with hoops of steel). But when I’m writing, I gravitate toward loss and uncertainty and a more tentative kind of hope. I want the reader to feel a blissful pain. I like catharsis. But I also like the reward at the end, for my characters to reach the shore, weary and salt-shriveled and still together. The redemption may not wash away their guilt (looking at you, Severus), but it will still be more than they ever thought possible. Something they don’t believe they deserve - even if ‘deserve’ is the wrong way to look at it.
3. I love UST. Love, love, love it. Slather it around. Make my faves suffer because of it. Even when my OTP has already been locked in passionate embrace for thousands of words, I still want there to be UST, in defiance of the fact that once consummated, it should presumably be dispelled. And of course it must be soaked in equally unresolved feelings - erotic anguish, erotic contradictions, the incongruity of seemingly incompatible people welded to each other by unquenchable longing. The cocktail of unresolved tension - physical desire may be the glass, but yearning, projection, heartbreak, devotion, hatred, and tenderness provide the flammable alcohol. (Terrible metaphor, but I’m at work and can’t do better than that right now.) I love UST because it heightens everything. Even the most minor gesture acquires more meaning than it has any right to. I am not a subtle writer. I thrive on intensity.
4. The cocktail above reminds me - imagery. I’m not sure I could write without it. Periodically I try scraping the barnacles off - but there you go, the first thing I reach for is a metaphor. The elusiveness of meaning is a not-so-secret vice of mine, and imagery brings up those layers. I'm pretty convoluted in my mental processes anyway (not an approach to writing I recommend), and images in fic can evoke complex reactions without resorting to infodumping. Readers - all of us - interpret even the plainest, most straightforward prose through our personal filters, but images can sneak in on a more visceral level. Sometimes, of course, all those pretty phrases just clutter up the scenery. But if I find the right words, it can be the one indelible line, the one haunting moment a reader remembers long after they’ve forgotten what the fic is about.
5. I will keep this short. I like broken characters. I don’t enjoy breaking them myself, but I feel compelled to write about the way other characters cut themselves on those jagged edges. I enjoy mapping out their coping mechanisms, the degrees to which they’re able to heal (although not completely). How little they trust, how devastating their need for comfort can be. How cruel they are, how good at drawing blood, and how they see love as a force that can utterly shatter them. And more in that vein. But I’ve rattled on long enough!
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ruki--mukami · 2 years
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🍎 🍋 🥭 ((this chaos is what we live for—🏃‍♀️🏃‍♀️))
NSFW CHARACTER TRAIT MEME
🍎 Favorite type, looks and personality wise? Please specify the trait.
"There isn't a specific ideal type, whether looks or personality are concerned, that comes to mind. However, the enticing juxtaposition of both anguish and sheer bliss gracing a person's face as I bury my fangs into them—and perhaps more than just my fangs—thrills me to no end. Especially when they resist in the beginning and then slowly succumb to the sea of pleasure in which I drown them, begging me for more with such pleading eyes. Ah, yes... There's nothing like the futile period of struggle before the pinnacle of rapture takes over. More time to savor the hunt for me—and thus, more satisfaction in taming my prey."
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🍋 Deep and slow? Hard and fast? What’s your character’s preference?
"Needless to say, both rhythms can be used to my advantage. There's nothing like luring my prey into a false sense of security by setting a slow, yet sensual pace at first, then gradually accelerating to hard and fast with each thrust when they least expect it. Oh, and I don't mean just any 'hard and fast' momentum. I'm alluding to the strength that only Vampires can exert. The kind that will leave you feeling breathless, unable to walk, and hollow inside when I'm absent. After a few rounds with me, one should feel lucky if their bed is still intact."
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🍓 Kissing during sex, yes or no?
"Of course; that should be a given. Not only does kissing sweeten the taste of my prey's blood, but also it's equally delightful for the both of us, I'm sure of it. Furthermore, I also quite enjoy stealing a bite directly from the lips when I'm looking to slake my thirst in the heat of the moment. Nothing tastes nearly as delectable as aroused blood and a kiss only emphasizes that fact. Normally most would consider violence in tandem with tender and care incompatible, but I beg to differ. On the contrary, they go hand in hand. Exchanging tongues, committing every corner and crevice of their mouth to memory... Surely that will remind my prey why they endure my endless torture."
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inferniso · 1 year
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a kiss between furrowed brows to try and comfort 
"...Ah?"
The human lurches forward. A professor, Idunn has already surmised, performs an unusual action. She plants her lips against the dragon's forehead, pressing gently into her quartz skin, and releases--leaving an imprint of her warmth. The sensation colors her surprised, the unlearned implication believed to be benevolent. As Idunn traces where the Nordion had kissed with her fingers, her eyes try to look up at her own forehead. Is there something there, she wonders? Maybe a spot or mark against otherwise impossibly pure skin. She hopes it isn't a black scale sprouting up; if they begin to leak into her manakete form, parts of the Demon Dragon may take over. "What... Did you just do?"
Maybe not something bad. Probably not something bad. Idunn doesn't feel any pain or anguish from the gesture, just... Bliss, if she had to describe it. Like a soft breeze, or a swan's down brushing against her face. It is fleeting but warm, quick but tender. And given that Idunn just helped organize a stack of papers (as best she can, mind you--there are some errors) she can only guess that it was meant as a reward. Thank-you's and gratitude are slowly, gradually, being accepted by her heart. Life isn't about being expected to follow orders all the time.
"It felt gentle, and kind. I think I'm supposed to smile now..." her voice falls into a whisper, and her eyes of red and shining green stare back at the blonde. She is taller than Lachesis, so she must look down, but she feels no older than a child. Having to learn about the world, one thing at a time... Isn't this what Fae had done?
Idunn forces a crooked grin to spread across her lips. It doesn't come naturally, so it looks more like a crack against her skin than well-defined feature, but it is a smile all the same. It communicates how she feels, bridging the gap between the goodness inside and the hollow shell it resides in.
And for that, it is enough. The smile serves its purpose.
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me in my Czech musicals phase to switch off, and I just realized there’s this song from the musical Dracula, which I sense could work very well for the Grizione? I just don’t know from whose point of view? Let me explain with an English translation of the song
What a rare, precious gift I have been given The gift of your favor You are my master What can I give to you ? All I have is anguish You may judge me You are my master
because obviously Antoine should be the one looking up at Diego, going “you are my master” and “the gift of your favor” but what if...what if their dynamic is actually the other way? what if this is the moment where Diego kneels in front of Antoine etc. etc.
Only your closeness I beg you to grant me They said there was no paradise But I have been there In your arms Is where that bliss is glaring, There you are the ruler You are my master
then again, the “there you are the ruler” would mean that normally, the “master” isn’t the ruler, but when they hold the interpret of the song, they are. which works for grizione well, eh? also, the “only your closeness I beg you to grant me” would be very nice, considering Diego doesn’t ask more from his sweet French prince
I pine for you every single time you go Where did you go again ? Where and what for ? Forgive my terrible imagination, it makes me short of breath. Every time you return to me wakening I feel safe again, doubts and anguish release me your eyes convince me.
Ah, the painful image of Antoine leaving, right? Diego doesn’t neccessarily need to feel “safe again”, but the doubts and anguish definitely release him once Antoine is back. And boy oh boy, do Antoine’s eyes convince him.
You have given rules to my days as they go What do I mean for you I wish I knew Not chained by me Loved by me Thy will be done! You are my master
I think this is the most Diego/Antoine part. 
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alaricmacdonald · 2 years
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processing speeds.
It’s always woman who breathe the most life into me, who ignite the fires of imagination, of consideration, of appreciation, of instigation, of reflection, of purification, of annihilation. 
The spark which lights the inferno does not truly belong to her but I give to her myself with silent sleight of hand for I might barely know her or know her not at all. These flutterings of trepidation can engulf me before the woman has revealed herself by any word or interaction, before the slightest hint. It makes sense to me then that it is not woman themselves that have this effect as there would yet to be any revelation of the selve and they stand as an effigy for what I can see as the infinite.
I’ve tried at times to subdue this interest or find another totem out of social concern. Man likes woman has lead to all sorts of tremor and anguish for me personally and many others. But could I live with myself if I were to turn my back on such a powerful resource for the sake of a calmer personal perception? No, in such cold days (years, decades) one must take the will to live wherever its warmth can be felt.
 I’m sitting outside a deli and cafe not too far from my house which I’ve never sat out front of before, I don’t often sit outside cafes at all and I only now broach that border because of, you guessed it, a woman. A woman who is not now sitting next to me or even working here for me to steal glances at while I write, the only staff are who I’m guessing own the place, an ageing Turkish couple. Nothing there for me. 
This woman I mention, I crossed paths with just outside this cafe a few hours earlier. It wasn’t just that it was a woman, or a beautiful woman at that, this was a woman to which I did share an interaction, my favourite of interactions. We smiled at each other, passed for a few steps and on reflection of the feeling felt, I turned back, a look over the shoulder and I see her, watch her also turn by the shoulder and we share a second glance, the smile remained on both our faces, this second smile carried the infinite, infinite possibilities, infinite regrets If like me you refuse the call, the warmth, and fail to chase her down the street and introduce myself (yourself).
Refusal is the wrong word. I’d say the problem lies in the speed at which I process the situation, a process which isn’t just a realisation that it’s time to act, the process is realising this and then fighting for it, wrestling it from the hands of a preconceived interpretation of my actions as I run down the street after her, that brief bright light she saw me in, the sun hitting my face aided by the blissful mood she was in fades into a grey terror as she hears footsteps running toward her from behind, “Hey lady!” Haha. That’s a fantasy much more poisonous than the love based infinite felt prior, one is stifling, the other lives in action. It’s the experience of these feelings that show me or echo to me that I still have work to be done, that I still have progress to be made in my mastery of spontaneity. So I sit here now outside the cafe, in part hopping that she may pass by again, a classic redemption story but maybe more realistically out of respect and penance for the gaps in my character and the will to improve. I think she had a red word tattooed on her neck, the left side, I’ll still keep an eye out.
Beyond story, myth making, does the cosmic also have a taste for the redemption arc? These moments that require action come at the least expected times. That’s not new information but how does one prepare? Ah, I have the answer and here we tie into photography. 
Every moment is sacred.
In retaliation to this slight disgust in myself and inaction, As I dragged myself back to the cafe, the scene of the cosmic crime, I passed a house with a girl sitting outside on the steps, she looked as if she were in her early 20’s, red streaks in her hair, loose jeans with rips at the knees. She smiled at me too, this time I did stop, and I did turn back, turn back I need to add because once the information has traveled through my eyeballs, bounced around the frontal lobe and the computation is complete, I’m already a few houses down the street. I turn back thinking I could say a few kind words and take her picture there on those steps. As I do, a man is bringing some construction supplies up her stairs and speaks to her, another man, maybe some kind of moving van guy is there at the bottom of those steps and speaks to her too. I couldn’t stand at the bottom of the stairs and wait my turn, not that I couldn’t manage that situation but being that this instance of me turning back was in retaliation to my lack of spontaneity earlier, this small addition of time turned the feeling of spontaneity into the feeling of manufacture.
Answering my question from a few lines back about processing speeds and preparation, you put yourself into it for long enough, regularly enough, you get the flow state. This is what I need to push for. Exercise the instinct. Less time sitting at the computer. Walk the street, smile at others and maybe you too will spark a fire and help fill 6 pages in someones notebook.
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my disco elysium self insert au thoughts are So So funny because half of the time i’ll be like Ah This Is So Cute Domestic Bliss :)) and then the other half of the time i’ll be like
DEATH DESPAIR ANGUISH ARGHHHH URGHHHHHH
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punkscowardschampions · 5 months
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Java Pt.3
James: Please
Ava: There is no alternative, this lesson, this day, this school
Ava: all of it is out the window for now
James: I don’t dare to speculate on what, if anything, wouldn’t fade into utter insignificance in comparison
Ava: A dangerous game sounds about right
James: But order me to focus and I will
Ava: I do care, however hilariously and unbelievably hypocritical that sounds given
Ava: I don’t plan to distract you permanently, sadly
James: That is sad
Ava: But tell me I can and I will never leave you alone 
James: I plan to keep telling you
Ava: Talking to you is one of my new favourite things to do 
James: I’m glad to hear your present will be well received
Ava: I feel thoroughly spoiled, I think I’ll swing by when you have to go back to work, thwart the neighbours 
James: I’d appreciate that, I can’t vouch for them needing to be indulged as wholly as you deserve
Ava: As long as we’ve lived here, I should know more about them than what time they usually put their bins out and their takeaway habits, but I do not 
Ava: That’s [ze postcode], right?
James: What were your career aspirations when you moved in? I’ll have to stop picturing you reporting on said neighbours throughout childhood in light of those revelations
Ava: 🤭
Ava: I am sorry to have let you down though, I had too many flights of fancy to stick to any one career
Ava: What about you, were you always a budding author?
James: I’ve definitely let you down myself because I was determined to play rugby for years
Ava: What position did you favour?
James: [idk about that AT ALL sis but tell her because you 1000% played until you left school]
Ava: I am thankful your face has seen no permanent damage, that would also be very sad
Ava: You didn’t want to join the Uni team?
James: The adult compliments spurring me on to childhood glory had long since dried up
Ava: Ah, I see
James: And it would be unfair to pledge my time to something else knowing how many obligations are shoehorned into my days and nights as is
Ava: Totally
Ava: not to mention there really is a whole culture around it as a Uni commitment, a culture that’s not exactly suited to who you are now, in most ways
James: Yes, I was avoiding mentioning that facet for obvious reasons
Ava: Nance’s last, God, at least three boyfriends have ALL been the cliche rugby boys
Ava: I really can’t imagine you having to socialise with any of them sober, if they ever are
James: It isn’t who I am anymore 
Ava: Yes, I know
Ava: it’s their loss, my gain
James: Mine too, you’re a much better conversationalist than anyone I’ve ever met on a pitch
Ava: I will happily take that compliment
James: I take pleasure in giving them to you
Ava: I’m quite fond of returning the favour
James: I’d be enamoured by you even if you did so infrequently
Ava: I can tell you’re only used to one very specific type of compliment, yes
James: I haven’t always been famed for my conversational skill either
Ava: I get it, too
Ava: Skin deep is easier, that’s as far as some people want to take things
James: And it is true that sobriety makes opening up notoriously challenging, but as far as I was concerned, the alternative wasn’t straightforward, be it the setting, the substance, or my urge to combine both adversely, behind the added complications
Ava: If being inebriated started to feel like you couldn’t ever close the book, that’s a much worse feeling and predicament, I think that’s a given, should be
James: It should be, and yet
Ava: No need to expand, people don’t like the potential of having to examine their own relationship to any given substance, heaven forbid
James: By no means exclusive to this postcode, lest I forget, because the persistence of my social circles to remain ignorant and claim it bliss is especially emphatic
Ava: It is almost certainly an epidemic 
James: I’ll look out for your first piece about it
Ava: Really have my parents despairing over my choice in course
James: I’m no stranger to parental anguish should you require a shoulder to cry on
Ava: Thanks, appreciate it
Ava: My sister COULD get herself together in those two years and stop being the primary/only concern but it’s looking unlikely 
James: It would be extraordinarily hypocritical of me to pass comment on your sister
Ava: It’s cool, it must be weird, it is
Ava: that you’re Teddy’s brother
James: Yes
Ava: Not that weird though, unavoidable, really
James: It may be jarring to see you in your school uniform as well, it doesn’t mean I’d prefer to stay away from you during those hours
Ava: I’ll have to see if I can fit a change of clothes into my bag perhaps
James: I’m asking you to make bigger allowances for me
Ava: If I wanted easier, I could find it but I don’t
James: Ditto
Ava: I’m glad it’s you
James: I can’t wait to see you
Ava: If you want to take my clothes off really quickly, to avoid the conflicted feelings, I understand that too
James: I’m in no conflict about why I’d want that
Ava: I can’t wait either
James: Thank you for keeping me company, it’s lonely here
Ava: You must be decades younger than nearly everyone who works there
Ava: What’s it like?
James: I expected the beginning to be daunting, no-one informed me however that the feeling wouldn’t abate and I’d be increasingly out of my depth
Ava: Nepotism doesn’t also come with you gaining your father’s years of experience through osmosis or something
Ava: A better job is nice and all but I don’t know how you’d not feel that, because it’s true, how are you meant to catch up with a snap of his fingers?
James: I can’t ascertain whether or not the gauntlet he’s designed for me to run is supposed to be an exercise in humiliation, acting as an elaborate I told you so, or if he honestly believes every demoralising task will serve to break and rebuild me, and thus is an I told you so, in that, totally contradictory sense
Ava: I’m sure he thinks it will all serve you well, in the long run
Ava: If the ends justify the means will remain hotly debated
James: He’d proclaim the ends always justify the means, shunning any sort of debate
James: [compare him to an author how y’all have before, but in a v shady way lol]
Ava: I know a lot of people that sound just like him
Ava: Nothing is black and white though, as anyone who plans to make their money in print will let you know
James: Except the tasteful decor of this office, naturally
James: fantasy notwithstanding, I can’t imagine you here
Ava: I won’t insist, if for the myriad of perfectly valid reasons, you don’t ever want me there
James: Demand I’m where you are, I’d rather be
Ava: Would if I could
Ava: Your presence in [whatever class you’re in] would cause quite the stir, I selfishly want to keep that excitement for myself
James: It often did, but I’d sooner uphold my earlier statement about not existing before you and I found each other
Ava: Happily
Ava: it feels true, like my parents should be able to tell how different everything is since they left
James: I’m equally, selfishly, thrilled that secret is being kept for the moment
Ava: You don’t need to worry, my poker face is as strong as my feelings, they won’t have a clue, no one will
James: I’ve yet to witness your poker face, it’s mysteriously absent when you’re with me
Ava: I feel that subtle shade, boy
Ava: I’ll have to show you how ice cool I can be now
James: It isn’t an insult, far from it
James: coincidentally, like the way you’re going to be far from cold
Ava: You wanted me to expose myself, that’s what I want too, with you
James: No masks, it would be a real affront to your appearance
Ava: I want you to look at me more than I’ve ever wanted anyone else to
James: The flashbacks of every second I’ve been able to are the single reason I’m managing to get through the instances where it isn’t possible
Ava: You start to feel like a dream, a very beautiful one but a mirage nonetheless
James: Typically I’d say perhaps I am, because my life has been an imitation, but now you make me feel too undeniably substantial for that to be something I’d accept as true
Ava: You’re very real and very alive, I can attest heartily to both
Ava: My heart just demands I be dramatic about our forced separation, clearly
James: I’m happy to be alive, in any case
Ava: I’m glad you are too, and at the same time and place as I am
James: I’ll admit, it’s surreal everything has come together this perfectly
Ava: I feel so lucky
James: We are
Ava: And as no one knows, we can’t even be accused of being insufferable about it
James: You’re aware of my stance with regards to suffering you, Ava
Ava: I am 🥰
Ava: I’ve reread so many of the things you’ve written or said 
James: I’ve rewritten and rewritten, I don’t know if I’ll ever do justice to all you are in print
Ava: Your attempts are worth much more than a thousand words themselves
James: Tell me what time it is, please
Ava: [do, and thus how long you have, which is hopefully not long by this point]
Ava: I’ve not been shirking my responsibilities
James: Reread what a good girl you are
Ava: God, I love it when you call me that
James: I love how much your behaviour warrants it being said
Ava: You’re very easy to behave for, you might call it a privilege to
James: Mine to have you, yes, I would
Ava: No, mine
James: I’ll willingly fight with you whenever this is what they consist of
Ava: I can’t promise an entirely convincing performance if I have to pretend I don’t enjoy letting you win
James: No performances, we agreed
Ava: Right, and I can’t fake anything here, there’s no room for it
James: I’d find some room to dutifully sit or stand at the back if you’re doing a play or concert at school, but that’s the sole exception
Ava: Really
James: I care to support both you and the arts
Ava: You are so
Ava: I couldn’t possibly subject you to it but the fact you would
James: I insist you subject me to it
Ava: James
James: There are things I’d like to get to know about you which happen outside the confines of your bedroom, or lunch breaks spent in cars
Ava: You can get to know me any way you want, I would like that very much
James: Good
James: so you’ll audition for the end of summer term play?
Ava: Yes, I will
James: Has it been announced?
Ava: Not yet
Ava: Probably after half term, here’s hoping it’s not something terribly dreary 
James: I’d almost forgotten half term
Ava: You’ll be busy in a different way then, occupying a toddler must be a task and a half
James: I’m worried I’m raising a hater of the arts, she loathes her ballet lessons
Ava: Oh no
Ava: there are a lot of other classes and clubs for her to cycle through, there will be something that suits
James: She’s fond of football, I haven’t the slightest idea where the passion has come from, thankfully I wasn’t eager to show my face on the rugby pitch or I’d have saving of it to do with the entire team
Ava: That’s cute, and plenty of people would argue that football is art, so there’s still hope
James: Or you’re my last hope, which is fitting
Ava: Making me blush again
James: You need a spotlight on you, truly
Ava: I hope I get a part now
James: I’ll have to buy the film rights to my own book otherwise
Ava: I don’t want anyone but you to be you though
James: Nepotism coming to my rescue once more, because I absolutely wouldn’t be given the part without it
Ava: No one could do you justice, pale imitation springs to mind
James: I’ll be wearing an imitation blush if you don’t cease your flattery of me
Ava: I’m sorry, I simply feel very passionate about how uniquely wonderful you are
James: Oh Ava
Ava: [updated countdown moment]
James: You intoxicate me, I shouldn’t be working
Ava: I wish I could write you a sick note, with words more or less to that effect
James: I wish you would, I’d love to read it
Ava: Okay, hang on
Ava: [write him up a needlessly detailed sick note listing all the reasons he can’t possibly work in the sauciest manner obvs]
James: I’m inspired to call in sick, despite having no symptoms left to cite because I’ll be keeping all of those to myself
Ava: A sudden fever is a possibility
James: You’d tend to me, wouldn’t you?
Ava: Dutifully
James: Your capable hands are the best place for me
Ava: I am determined to do everything in my power to make you feel yourself again
James: No less than everything will do
Ava: Is that right?
James: Absolutely, I think what I’m afflicted by may be incurable
Ava: This won’t stop me from trying, everything, just as you said
James: You’re very driven, I know
Ava: Yes, and I can’t lose you
James: I’d fight to stay with you
Ava: I know it, you can be steadfast yourself when pursuing what you want, at least in my experience
James: And you’re all I want
Ava: I’m yours, whether we’re fortunate enough to be together or being kept apart, always
James: It will hold me together
James: it is
Ava: Because I need you
James: I’ve never had something this reciprocal, everything you need from me I need from you 
Ava: I haven’t either
Ava: Your appetite matches mine, exactly
James: More shared tastes than we’ve had a chance to even realise yet
Ava: But we’re going to discover everything
James: We must
Ava: This no longer feels in any way optional
Ava: the disservice to myself and to you by us not being together is unthinkable right now
James: I’m not sure it ever was
Ava: I’m giving my poker face a little too much credit there, true
James: I’m recalling how immediately drawn to you I was
Ava: You kissed me
James: The impulse was too strong to suppress 
Ava: How immediate never wanting you to stop was didn’t even shock me somehow
Ava: it felt too right
James: It didn’t occur to me that perhaps I shouldn’t return to your house
Ava: It was reckless of us, I think we can admit that now
James: I was overcome by the longing to
Ava: I know I would have said anything to bring you back, near enough did
Ava: Reckless doesn’t equate to regret, far from it
James: No, I’d be as indiscrete again under the same set of circumstances
Ava: We had to both risk what we did
Ava: to get here, to have this
James: Not doing it would have posed a bigger danger to me
Ava: Saying it wasn’t an option makes me sound a little dangerous myself
Ava: but you would have had to give me a much clearer no, and I could tell you needed it too
James: I shouldn’t say I don’t and haven’t needed a drink, because it’s pressure and manipulation, but it’s still a fact in addition to being both of those things
Ava: I’m proud of you, if that’s an appropriate thing to say? I’m not well-versed but you should be proud of yourself, if it isn’t 
James: My lines are blurred, but appropriate or not, it’s appreciated
Ava: I know how much you wanted to, when you came over
James: I was going to, but at the last minute I had the car turn around
Ava: I’m really glad you did
James: It wouldn’t be right to tell you why, I am mindful of that much, the existence of that line
Ava: You don’t have to
James: If we discuss it I’ll have to do something about it and I don’t know what there is to be done
Ava: If you knew what to do, drinking wouldn’t be the go-to solution, so, that makes sense
Ava: Even if it takes time, I don’t doubt you’ll work it out
James: I suppose it’s become dreamlike too, how bad things are
Ava: I’m sorry, James
James: But that doesn’t protect me, not really
Ava: Things can’t and don’t stay one way forever
Ava: it will change, I can guarantee that
James: So can I
Ava: Being at the point that’s comforting, not frightening is a good sign
James: Nevertheless, our countdown is the better one
Ava: [update]
Ava: You can kiss me again
James: Perhaps your watch will stop
Ava: Less dramatic than my heart, which feels more plausible at this point
James: Actresses are allowed to be dramatic
Ava: Will I be allowed to sit in your lap instead of my own seat?
James: I’ll protect you if the driver opts to make his own reckless decisions
Ava: I know it, you’re too capable it’s horrifically attractive 
James: You’re too dear to me to be risked
Ava: You do make me want to be a little reckless but
James: You have some freedom to, I’m sincere about keeping you safe from harm and the source wasn’t specified
Ava: I don’t think the driver would be that offended
Ava: I just can’t wait
James: I’m leaving in [however long]
Ava: Then you’ll be all mine
Ava: Until what time?
James: [tell her, I assume it’s an hour, maybe an hour and a half because you’re posh and your dad’s the boss]
Ava: Best to set an alarm, I won’t be counting those seconds
James: I’ll set you as my alarm sound telling me you’re proud of me again
Ava: I don’t even want to point out that that isn’t going to make you want to leave
James: It would be impossible to encourage that
Ava: You can only have a goodbye kiss if you leave, the most encouragement I have when I don’t want you to
James: Oh, I think that could work, perhaps
James: now I’m proud of you
Ava: That does feel good
James: Hence my suggestion, you will be of me for going back
Ava: Very, it’s going to be so hard
James: Torturous 
Ava: You’re going to have to encourage me to focus on my work or I don’t think I’ll be able to think of anything but you ever again
James: I’m looking forward to helping you with your homework, I’m being hyperbolic here, hopefully, but I swear I can’t recall handing a single piece of my own in
Ava: You’re planning to redeem your bad boy image via my own academic record, are you
James: In conjunction with helping you run lines until you’re off script, obviously
Ava: You would be an incredible teacher
James: I’d homeschool my daughter if not for the giant spanner that would throw into being available to drive around London with you
Ava: Socialising is important, is what I will say to avoid feeling any sort of guilt about commandeering your tutelage 
James: She’d counter that I should’ve got her a puppy for her birthday like she demanded, I don’t doubt
Ava: I only just got one for mine, she has some years to wait 
James: I’m waiting for a garden, personally, we’re lacking in any grass at all
Ava: It’s a lot if you’re the only one that will be looking after it
James: Unfortunately I have many years before she comprehends my reasoning, for the foreseeable future, I’m just being mean
Ava: A thankless task, I have heard
James: You’ll be grateful for my efforts, at least
Ava: And I happen to know you’re very nice, I won’t hesitate to remind you
James: I’ll try to resist setting you a ridiculous amount of extra reading assignments
Ava: Don’t
James: Okay, I’ll compromise by reading half of them to you
Ava: I would love that so much
James: I’m going to enjoy it too
James: [write her a little scene setting of that adorable one cos we know y’all would be so snuggled and cute while that’s occurring IRL and then there’s the reading it to her from a distance and making coffee for her as though she’s there etc from the OG and both are valid and thus being included, not soz]
Ava: Fuck
Ava: I want that every day of my life
James: A chapter every night without fail, it doesn’t matter how busy either of us are or where we’re spending said evening, I promise that as a minimum
Ava: Storytime over everything, it’s so important
James: I’ll start recording one for you straightaway, once I’ve finished it’ll be time to go
Ava: I shouldn’t have even doubted you’d have a book ready, I know exactly how prepared you are
James: I’m similarly convinced of your readiness for me, always
Ava: You know me inside out
James: Yes
James: [but shh and go read aloud sir so you can actually record another slay book rec for her]
Ava: [send him a photo of you impatiently waiting because dying about it]
James: [sending her a pic back of his broken watch dial but it’s when he’s clearly in the car on the way to her school so it’s an omw]
Ava: I cannot wait to run to you
James: [tell her where to meet you cos it was your school too so you know where it makes sense to pull up nearby so you’re not getting every kid there gawking at you]
Ava: I will be waiting there, however impatient you know it is
James: I’ll be there as soon as I can, however out of my control traffic is
Ava: I won’t leave class until [a point in his journey that makes sense]
James: Because you’re a good girl
Ava: I have never behaved so well, you are entirely to credit because I want your praise so desperately
James: I’m as stubborn when it comes to my resolve to give you everything you want
Ava: And that’s why I have to ensure I deserve it, I can’t let you reward me unduly, it wouldn’t be right
James: I’m so relieved at this opportunity to reward you relentlessly
Ava: No one wants to be the bad guy, I couldn’t do that to either of us
James: It’s the role our driver was born to play 
Ava: I trust him to be off book yet word perfect
Ava: I’ll only resent him a perfectly normal amount for stopping us, I promise 🙃
James: I have established trust in your conduct, no matter his, or indeed my own
Ava: I approve wholeheartedly of yours
James: Thank you
Ava: Thank you more, for everything you are
James: [me like however impractical it is because london traffic would cockblock y’all harder than this, I gotta have him turn up because he’ll say something too extra rn otherwise, soz but it’s the ily curse]
Ava: [run towards this car like you said you would because you’ve both made sure that you’re not being perceived as much as you can so you gotta]
James: [excuse us to this driver because he has every intention of letting this man take them somewhere he can leave them to be feral in the car and have the actual lunch break java aren’t but we all know James isn’t gonna have chill until they get to that destination, however near or far, thank god for the privacy partition honestly because yeah, he’ll immediately be taking off the blazer I imagine her wearing because picturing get even uniform vibes not even because of said uniform and any potential ick but purely because he’s gotta run his hands over her body as if he hasn’t touched her in a million years as he helps her into this car (and into a makeout sesh) and it’s in the way]
Ava: [I’m sure you have a blazer, is typically the vibe these days and it isn’t necessarily hot enough you’d be without it, help him take it off purely to put your hands over his because you need to SQUEEZE his hands right now because no amount of words could begin to convey how !! you are here today]
James: [obvs he’s gotta direct her hands to where his missing shirt button is that he’s been rocking all day in the office like a scruff alongside his broken watch lol because he’s likewise !! and what better way to express that than by poking her finger through said button hole to feel how his skin has been not at all casually peeping there, while also switching up his kisses so they’re on her neck and the lovebite he did where his shirt collar fell when she was wearing it because all the reminders are necessary]
Ava: [we love everything about this missing button moment, thinking about how it could have happened, picturing him in his office how he looks now, the tiniest exposed skin being somehow even hotter than anything more blatant, making a small noise about it all, burying your own face into his hair, not at all casually smelling his shampoo, nuzzling your face into him, as if it might be an attempt to keep quiet but you just want to as much as all that, not soz driver]
James: [catch this boy whispering in her ear about how earlier when they were being extra and he wasn’t touching himself in his office he was touching this shirt in all the ways to feel even closer to her, much like how she did when she was wearing it, encouraging her to again now ofc, but he can’t just be talking, oh no he’s gotta do the absolute most while he’s there so shamelessly all up on her ear, treating her earring like a nip with how he’s running his tongue over it etc, which is all the more ridiculously !! because she was at school so it isn’t a statement piece like the bday necklace was, it’s probably such a chill stud or something that he’s doing all these antics to]
Ava: [mirroring the things he is telling you unconsciously here, so sincerely replicating as if this is all brand new and just what you want to do because how he describes it makes you feel it, very gently and slowly undoing some of these other buttons, like you can’t possibly risk another coming off, guiding his hand to your thigh and his name because have to remind yourself that happened as much as you want to him, because obviously one of the many things you were doing whilst also trying not to touch yourself at that time]
James: [we do love some unconscious mirroring hence I can fully imagine him either untucking her shirt if she’s wearing it baggy to be tucked in or if it’s more fitted and thus not just going under it and thoroughly running his hands over her body the way he did when she was getting in but with her bare skin this time and as gently and slowly as she was undoing those other buttons, until his hand is guided to her thigh and then he’s GRIPPING said thigh almost hard enough to leave finger bruises next to his name because can’t forget that happened and we’re not over it, doing a GASP as he stops kissing her for a sec so he can properly STARE down at it]
Ava: [leaving his shirt on, just undone, because as blatant as you are being, you’re not trying to make this boy get fully naked in this car, you just had to, thus you’re touching his body too, like it has been a thousand years always, LOOKING up at him when he’s looking at his name because you have to read his face and know how he feels about it really because first showed him over messages]
James: [the lack of chill being displayed here but y’all managing to be subtly feral is too real, the driver is welcome that you’re not ruster levels of extra or tancy levels of rude and not giving a fuck, case in point though, he is still being very !! because we all know that while maintaining that EYE CONTACT his hand is going further with touching her thigh, first to feel how turned on she is rn and we all know she has been this entire time and convo, and then to fully take her underwear off because as an unspoken I need to keep these more than you to get through the rest of my day and everything she said about how much she loves to share, the LOOK this is being communicated via as he puts her underwear into his trouser pocket BYE]
Ava: [we’re being very reserved in comparison to how we want to be behaving because you’re so right, at the point of turned on where you feel beyond it because you have been all day and not been able to do anything about it, hence your bottom lip is literally trembling because you’re shaking about this thigh grab before he’s even got your underwear off, at which point you will be actually dying, crawling into his lap with the urgency of needing to like you’re gonna hit the deck if you don’t cling onto him the way you blatantly are]
James: [the girls are really holding back rn sir and that’s entirely for your benefit mr driver man, you don’t even know how lucky you are, he could be being so much more dramatic than the way he’s rubbing his cheek against her bottom lip like he simply can’t bear to look at it without being able to do more about it, or the way he’s BITING his own to shh himself when she’s crawling into his lap because he was visualising it for ages when he was at his desk and now she really is there and he’s dying about it, going from his lip to BITING the collar of her shirt once she’s there because need all that fabric to muffle the noise he does]
Ava: [like, are we still making out with the sauciest of energies back here? Absolutely, but you mind your business with any judgment when we wanna be being SO feral right about now; kissing his cheek with such fervour when it is against our lips, covering his whole face in this flurry of kisses that you can’t hold back ‘I missed you so, so much’ blurted out as unavoidably, your voice sounding almost hoarse from the restraint that all this has taken]
James: [‘I’m going to miss you’ meaning when he goes back to work but also we know after that because you can’t come home to her and you’ve also been reminded half term looms which you’ll be busy af during, hence kissing her like his life depends on it for a minute for the more he hasn’t said before he issues this driver with instructions of where to piss off basically which is blatantly somewhere closer than he originally told him because cannot wait that long soz you gotta go take a lunchbreak ASAP hun, his voice having such a similar energy, that’s a given]
Ava: [the verbal equivalent of 🥺 because obviously that’s the craic but you can’t think about it so you have to really make sure you both get lost in a makeout once this driver knows where y’all are going]
James: [hopefully where you’ve decided to send him is close by because this makeout is going to be getting more and more !! with every second, doing the most with it because it’s all you’re letting yourself do rn, including all the cliches like unhooking her bra and touching her up while her shirt stays on and taking her hair down from whatever updo she was rocking for this school day purely by how dramatically they are making out and his hands are in it]
Ava: [it’s gonna have to be because there’s no getting ‘round the lack of underwear we have on now, you’re both thinking about it in the most obsessive way and there’s only so long you can ignore this, hence you are moving in a way that really doesn’t allow him to, not fully]
James: [mhmm, it’s giving when they had that hookup against the door before he left that was essentially a dry hump but so much more than that rn, it’d be a hookup if not for the clothes he’s wearing, this driver has gotta bail for everybody’s sake because the second he does there will be no stopping them, he’s already ramping it up atm by touching her indecently under that skirt, first his name again, but then he’s going from again travelling up her thigh for another how turned on check to just shamelessly going for it and testing the poker face she mentioned]
Ava: [leave get out, driver, we need to hook up, you really shouldn’t have said about that poker face because you’re in no condition to show you weren’t bullshitting right now, doing such a grumpy face at him like BUT HOW DARE YOU]
James: [we’ve gotta be mean and say that she’s here having an orgasm before this driver leaves just because of how loud she’d wanna be and cannot and how much they’ll both be !! about this, so he’ll be here doing the most to make that happen like it’s his job unlike the 9-5 he’s done nothing for today haha, including giving her such a daddy LOOK about her grumping and shhing her in the hottest way as if she’s said something too in protest, vocally and with his finger on that pouty lip, 1000% a finger that has been inside of her because obvs]
Ava: [OBVIOUSLY, because you’re being SO well behaved, you can only tease sucking on his finger by licking up the length of it and kissing the tip as you LOOK back at him, leaning in like you’re going to kiss him again but you are getting up in his ear because if all you can do is heavy breathe through this then he has to hear it, even if this driver mustn’t]
James: [we love this for you, this driver is fully able to go about his business unbothered despite how dramatic y’all feel and are subtly acting, some characters could and would never, he will be kissing her again but only the most indecent cheek kisses of all time OFC, no notes, but then we’ll be nice and finally let y’all be alone and actually hook up in this car because you’ve earned it huns]
Ava: [the way you are gonna be ripping this boy’s clothes off the second you are alone is so feral, thank god you already unbuttoned his shirt because you don’t need to be wrecking all his clothes and it is entirely necessary to hook up the moment you can]
James: [so titanic coded of y’all again, immediately steam this car up because frantic is the word, I guarantee he has never located or put a condom on quicker in his life, speaking of, I would like everybody to know that because they used them all up he has replaced them with even fancier ones because they are the first he has bought specifically with her in mind and therefore they’ve gotta be the best in terms of giving her pleasure and feeling like he isn’t wearing one as possible, just an unspoken but very important gesture for how unlike other hookups from his POV this is and you’ll both feel the difference ASAP so I’m sure that combined with how restrained you’ve had to be up to now will mean this is the first official java feral quickie]
Ava: [my boo says I have an announcement and she is so real and right for that, such a small, adorable detail and that is exactly the sort of bear he is and that’s why we love him, me here like y’all are not gonna need a minute never mind an hour lmao, hence we have got to laugh when we’ve got enough recovery in us to be able to because the way we died SO hard and SO fast there is so real it’s like oh okay]
James: [me like oh but they will doing my own evil laugh because the sort of bear he is, once he’s joined in with her laugh and has taken a minute look around this car in disbelief at the carnage of their clothes strewn everywhere and how steamed up and titanic-esque it do be he’s gonna see her underwear hanging a lil way out of his pocket because of the way his clothes were pulled off and he brought his wallet out at the speed of light and that iconic visual is gonna make him turned on again and ready for round 2, so this time, wanting to take his time compared to that !! feralness, not instigating the 2nd hookup yet but lying her across the length of this seat (we all know he requested a boujee and bigger car for this precise reason unlike Teddy who uses cars like that always for the flex and because money is irrelevant) and really appreciating her nakedness in the way he couldn’t before, once again memorising every detail and kissing all over her body rn, no doubt also slowly and lovingly taking off an item or items of clothing he missed taking off her when they were going at it]
Ava: [ah the memories of the chaise and the bar just FLOODING back right now, hence we’re here with our hands ALL up in his hair, thank god a boy’s hair is an easier fix than a girl’s because it is getting messed up right now, doing the shakiest sigh ‘so, how has your morning been?’ like lol because have barely said a word in this car and y’all aren’t planning to say much, we all know it]
James: [mhmm, he is 100% this bitch always, it cannot be overstated how he’d now be spending what felt like 50 years to just softly kiss her on every piece of exposed skin her body has to offer him, stopping to look up at her to smile so genuinely though because she’s adorable for asking it and caring and also this has been one of his better mornings for all the reasons and they both know that ‘productive in the manner I wish all of them could be’ because he didn’t get any work done but he got to stay in touch with her]
Ava: [nodding and smiling back because hard same ‘what I don’t know by now, it’s too late to find out’ because you’re doing your exams at this point, your actual lessons are basically over and you’ll just be studying and coming in for exams as and when, just putting it out there how lowkey available you can be whenever he can]
James: [it’s true tea and in that sense we’ve timed this java reboot really well and y’all are welcome, pushing her hair out of her face how he do like he’s gotta see this smile even better but he’s here holding her face after so we see you sir ‘you haven’t had me to help you with your revision’ said like now he is he’d teach her everything she doesn’t know but it’s a flirty way not an actual thinking he could way, we all know he doesn’t have that ego]
Ava: [smiling at him even harder before you’re nuzzling your face into his hand and just gazing at him adoringly nbd ‘you did promise’ like I have not stopped thinking about all the things you said you want to be involved in, don’t you worry]
James: [a nod with heart eyes before he’s manoeuvring himself from where I imagine he was literally on the floor of this car basically in order to dramatically gaze at her lying on these seats when he wasn’t leaning to kiss her everywhere and be extra, to be with her, closer, lying with and more or less on top of her, thinking of a revision question and asking her it like a big nerd because we all know he’s gonna kiss her if she gets it right]
Ava: [lucky you’re clever because what an embarrassing cockblock if you kept getting them wrong lol, you won’t, we know it, it’s okay, just having such a marvellous time being horny lil nerds; tracing his lips almost as if you’re tracing where yours just were on them ‘how am I going to help you though, can’t exactly get an internship’ tapping now like you’re pondering because you’d love to be able to make his work less shit for real but you know you probably cannot]
James: [my boo says awkward if you flopped haha, but thankfully that’s not happening, far from it ‘That’s a trick question’ said like those aren’t allowed but he’s looking at her like omg girl you’ve already helped me more than I can ever express because true, so true in fact he’s blushing a lil about it but we can pretend he’s just flushed because of the makeout and the fact he’s gonna keep asking her questions that she’s gonna keep getting right for a sec until he can’t help but give her so many compliments about how intelligent she is so poetically, in her ear whispered again even though the driver is gone and they are alone now because need to go back over the lovebite on her neck and make it bigger and more seen when she’s wearing her school shirt instead of his, half term does clearly loom but we’re intent of making the most of however many school days she has left to show that off]
Ava: [saying ‘more’ without even meaning to say anything at all, hence you’re blushing now too but you’re not stopping him nor is it stopping you from pushing the same spot on his neck because you’re not allowed to but you certainly are THINKING about it]
James: [when she says that and it’s clearly involuntarily as is her blush, both of which we love to see and hear, this boy moving as involuntarily about it and that meaning by pure chance and positioning that his 🍆 brushes against her thigh where his name is written, doing a lil moan when he realises, but it spurs him on to a new fun game of being even more restrained than earlier because then he’s gotta start rubbing and grinding against her on purpose, doing everything he can without ending up inside her, loving the fact he can pant the way she did in his ear before openly against her skin as he does this cos the driver isn’t here now, not to mention holding her face and guiding it to his pulse point cos giving the gal her own challenge of how hard she can go without fully giving him a lovebite which btw me and Win think she accidentally should as not only is he blatantly egging her on with his antics and definitely at one point saying ‘it’s okay, darling’ and even ‘please’ we all also know he doesn’t care if she gets carried away when he’s made up his mind to never go near Chlo again and therefore thinks she’ll never see it or be bothered BUT obvs jemily and Win are aware of this evil timing of the family holiday and him potentially having to take Jay swimming or to the beach etc so we simply must let it happen soz not soz]
Ava: [we’ve let you live hardcore thus far, jemily and winola gay have simply gotta start causing drama effective immediately I’m afraid lol, Win said they should be going to a Soho House type vibe of place and maybe it was a whole fam jaunt ‘cos clearly Sunday lunch did not happen because James did not go home and everything was in shambles so it gives that Chlo is trying SO hard with everything… that way she gotta decide if she’s gonna freak at this lovebite or just pretend it was her when we all know it wasn’t lmao]
James: [agreed, it just fit too well with the timeline of things and how extra java have been from the off to not do, but now I’ve put that out there we can leave them and skip if you want because we know what the vibe is for the rest of this lunch break etc, they will just be hooking up until he has to go back to work and actually do some]
Ava: [sounds good baby, go us]
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lindajenni · 5 months
Text
nov 29
the pain of love
"love suffers long and is kind; love does not envy; love does not parade itself, is not puffed up." 1 cor 13:4
Jesus! why dost Thou love me so? what hast Thou seen in me to make my happiness so great, so dear a joy to Thee?
wert Thou not God, i then might think Thou hadst no eye to read the badness of that selfish heart, for which thine own did bleed.
but Thou art God, and knowest all; dear Lord! Thou knowest me; and yet Thy knowledge hinders not Thy love's sweet libery.
ah, how Thy grace hath wooed my soul with persevering wiles! now gives me tears to weep; for tears are deeper joy than smiles.
each proof renewed of Thy great love humbles me more and more, and brings to light forgotten sins, and lays them at my door.
the more i love Thee, Lord! the more i hate my own cold heart; the more Thou woundest me with love, the more i feel the smart.
what shall i do, then, dearest Lord! say, shall i fly from Thee, and hide my poor unloving self were Thou canst never see?
or shall i pray that Thy dear love to me might not be given? ah no! love must be pain on earth, if it be bliss in heaven.
frederick william faber - 1814-1863
never. no, never, never, never has such a love been exhibited as was on that cross at calvary. never has such torment and anguish been felt as our Lord endured in the garden of gethsemane. just for us. all for us.
can we love as much? do we dare love as much? only by His precious grace, and it will cost you much. it's not a cheap grace that may be purchased with flattering false confessions. in fact, all you hold dear in this life must become as rubble and a hindrance in your path. "no, but i will surely buy it from you for a price; nor will i offer burnt offerings to the Lord my God with that which costs me nothing.” 2 sam 24:24
our salvation can't be purchased at any price we could pay. it was His blood alone that was sufficient. but the dowry the Lord wants from us is something that should be our precious. it is our time. it is our closeness, desire and intimacy we offer up as our burnt offering; a holy sacrifice.
yet, even what we offer to Him, is it not still something we only received from Him? for He is all things. He is our beginning and our end. now, as His coming grows nearer, do you not seek to know Him and have Him know you; know you as none other ever has or ever will?
i read something by o.s. hawkins the other day. (my favorite current writer, by the way.) "when we get to heaven, we will all be surprised at how little we really had to do with getting there. it is God who takes the initiative and turns our hearts to Himself." indeed we will see clearly how little we had to do with many things. our sense of importance is way overblown. "for it is God who works in you both to will and to do for His good pleasure." phil 2:13
suffer through the pain of love into the bliss of it. "there is no fear in love; but perfect love casts out fear, because fear involves torment. but he who fears has not been made perfect in love. we love Him because He first loved us." 1 john 4:18
"according to my earnest expectation and hope that in nothing I shall be ashamed, but with all boldness, as always, so now also Christ will be magnified in my body, whether by life or by death." phil 1:20 "i have fought the good fight, i have finished the race, i have kept the faith." 2 tim 4:7
dear friends, it's only love that will get us there! the love that taught us love will furnish grace through it's pain.
0 notes
libidomechanica · 7 months
Text
These secretes its best reaped but he wastefull woodes thou in a
These secretes its best reaped but he wastefull     woodes thou in a glory won; thou were stir of better terme, my chilling mine; a green     neon. And talked and a sullen steps
bright, like a wash my Body whence, the south sips: Ay,     in the world of strife, shown; and I are only window cross it—All were leaned on my rose,     like a missiles of Hell; thy fragile
both side, perchaunce did quickly appetites more blissful     palpitations are idle, for her tide of gold sands and the way to illumined     hair, and is there, he said her faces
tore. Ah, bed! Some say now—I want, who trembling news     of beaches, wherein within ken, then, stood at my sight and with the town she hath the other.     Cooler that number’d hour! Reasons’
quality; nor broken head and let us not     thou know I’m Betty shed. Save theirs of my anguish and haste. To living of thy chosen     food forbid! From the deep in answered
Johnny is not seek his broke, nor brother’s perch,—did     you to loss is Paradise, and a wound and veneration with all in my heart, in     my eyes I stood willows Paris and
compare with bulrush and sky. A bull-dog, and highland     died; and pay our pinky ring and, strange journeying at your heads in a wakeful     doze I sought the lassie ever pour’d
it to know, anon upon the great and someday     to climb. Whose lost, he tore his. By this Paphian army black Edward’s feet did excepting     souls who furrow’d them I read again.
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phthalominekitty · 1 year
Text
from ten million years ago.
9/7/2001
uncertain reality entertains superfluous minds transfers bliss pulled from chaos theory indulges in risk trusts something ungodly romantic minds often falter the eyes fail to blink pasty skin reflects in subtle mirrors urges coil like fire trains crash like thunder girls stumble, enticed by screaming fields endless transformation though processes WE ALL FEEL IT.
from back in the day:
[1] cliches manifest as my failed attempts to break away from expectation. there is the realization that i'm no different than them. i'm just a sordid puddle of fallen grace, and not even that - i'm dead.
i died last year, it was interesting. i became a faceless mass of sarcastic flesh, applying makeup and trying to squeeze into black tights and worrying about trivial issues like similarly dead boyfriends, and glitter. i would cry at indecent times and bitch about the lack of fear and love in my life. i was ignorant and stupid.
regeneration occured with new insights and possiblilities. i realized that, yes, boys do grow on trees, and if i wanted one i could find another. it was just harvesting them that was the trouble… and then there was sprite, who caused me to understand that i've got an obsessive, restless nature. also, he got me into "goth" music.
i don't feel good. this is going nowhere. i believe it's time to go insane…
the leopard ate my heart with a swift glance in the direction of the rising sun he tore my mother's heart out with a mental swipe and feasted on her anguish i tried to save her but i was too weak from loss of blood and we died together in each other's arms while the leopard purred and curled right round us like a large, warm kitten we realized at the brink of death the favour which he'd granted.
[2] sleeping together in a cloud of discomfort, wearing nothing but the blankets. entwined in him, i can't help but hide my eyes. i break free for a moment. staring at the cold ceiling, i can't sleep. i want to go home.
[3] many words forsake her plain, pathetic existance as she tries in vain to create a semblance of order. she wraps her arms around her knees in a feeble hug, thinking about [a] the stock market, [b] the death, [c] the future, [d] the cold. which one is more important? the fish need to be fed, there are papers scattered about the floor, laced with cookie crumbs and pick-ed out raisons. it wasn't that raisons didn't agree with her - she didn't agree with the raisons.
raisons. she began it once more - the linking train of thought that makes the world go round. raisons - 80's - madonna - christopher - cults - manson - dirty - pigs - intelligent - not her. it all came back to her, and how she wasn't pleased with herself or what she was doing. her fingers were frozen - moving slowly, she began to type. for the final time, of course. she hated nagging. she hated school. she hated schedules. yet. she knew she needed one to keep her alive.
oh, the irony.
it reminded her of the time she was home with her brothers, mother off at some meeting. a passionate craving for chocolate milk overcame her, and her car glistened [beneath the dust, of course] in the harsh sunlight. summer, ah. memories. and so, she grabbed her newly aquired license and was off, down to road to the drugstore with two dollars in hand, or lap. her automobile eloquence had yet to be obtained, however. on the way back, a lazy turn caused her to bam-crash! right into the side of her driving instructer. his car, his face. "oh, i know you feel bad about this, don't you." the cop wrote her out a ticket, and she thought, sullenly, about how she hated that man. she would kill him.
a fantastic tale began to rise from her underestimated mind. she would steal a samurai sword - but from where? the mall - a ha! she would run, run, run and they wouldn't catch her because she was too smart, she knew where to hide. and she would look up that evil driving instructer's address and stalk to his house, in the dead of night, and slice his stomach open. then she would laugh loudly, with no remorse, and drink his blood and feast on his flesh.
she shook her head. no, no. was she mad? morbid thoughts overcame her far too easily if she didn't keep them in check. she sighed. her dilema was this: she had an entire chapter of japanese homework to do, and her eyelids were quickly drooping. maybe she'd drop the class. learn more on her own. sleep comes first, always in her world. the most important phone call can be passed up for a few minutes more sleep. anything could be passed up…
she was a slacker. and then, she thought about how she could end up. she could get a job, some low-class entry level kind of thing, and scrimp and save and buy a one-way ticket to elsewhere. japan, maybe. she could traipse through the streets of harajuku and take pictures of all the trendy girls and the goths. she could find work in japan, anyone could be a janitor.
she shook her head. no, no. was she mad? she knew she was intelligent, a smart girl. she could get anywhere with brains like that, and the beauty (sometimes, some days) to boot. she pursed her lips, "i'm pretty," she told herself. and with an art portfolio like that, well, she very well could even go to san francisco. the city screamed, "magic!" her parents screamed back, "no!"
time to sulk.
the japanese homework lay at her feet. she glanced down at it, gave a soft snarl, and fell asleep in the chair.
[4] (pseudo-gothic poetry) oh, how fair art thou slender fingers slowly breaking apart my poor withered heart my mind is dead dead like the wind on this still night my tears run red for the acid of your kisses implanted upon each eyelid burns oh, my soul livid with a rent of failed passion how i wish your love was true.
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