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vintagedolan · 3 years

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mixtape | track twelve

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Indy wondered why people in her life seemed to fixate on sunshine, as if it somehow fixed things. When she and Charlie were small and the sun was out, her parents were ushering them outside to get some fresh air, telling them it was good for them. Her first day of high school, when she was nauseous in the passenger seat at the thought of a new place with a new class schedule, her dad had said ‘at least it’s warm today’. The day of Nicole’s funeral, between the sympathetic smiles and awkward glances, Indy had lost count of the amount of people who commented on the beautiful sunshine outside that her mother wasn’t there to see. It grated on Indiana’s nerves, and she found herself enjoying the rainy days more in the years after her mother’s death, when the clouds were heavy and wet, booming with thunder she could feel shaking her floor. She sat at her windows and watched it fall, watched the world have to shift to accommodate a change in the sky, change in a way that it never did for her when she needed it to.

The week before Bekah died, it rained every day.

Monday marked seven days without treatment, and the effects were starting to show. Bekah had lost more weight, which Indy wasn’t even sure was possible. She kept her blankets on her at all times, the Christmas and Halloween ones layers on top of each other.

She still shivered.

The rain fell outside the window, and Indy sat on the sill, thankful for the cold glass against her arm. It kept her in the moment, kept her mind in the room instead of in Los Angeles, wondering what was going through Grayson’s head that made him continue to ignore her calls. She didn’t have the energy to be pissed at him for leaving her abandoned - instead she was just worried, worried about the guilt she knew would overtake him when she finally was able to get ahold of him.

Indiana’s schedule was PRN - meaning they only called her into the hospital when she was needed. She couldn’t tell if they actually did need her and were too nice to say, or if they were fully staffed, but they didn’t call her. Patrick had put his foot down with her hours at Jet’s too, and said he’d keep her on payroll as long as he could so she kept her benefits, but that he wasn’t putting her on the schedule either.

So she put her skills to use for Bekah, and Bekah alone. Anything she needed, Indy knew where to get it on the floor. She funneled every ounce of energy into the girl in front of her, trying to take any of the burden off the Newcombs that she could. If Bekah needed ice chips, she was at the nurses station. In the supply closet to get fresh linens, the laundry to get clean hospital gowns. She helped her get changed, get showered as best she could - it was less mortifying for Bekah to have Indiana help her than her parents, who were nervous enough they would hurt her as it was.

When Bekah was awake, she was trying. Putting on her brightest smile, doing her best to perk up for her parents and Indiana. But when her parents would leave, which wasn’t often - only to go get fresh clothes, or grab dinner in the cafe - Bekah would deflate. She’d sigh and lean back against her pillows and try to catch her breath. They went home that night to eat a real dinner with promises to bring some back for Bekah, and as soon as they kissed her goodbye, she relaxed back and closed her eyes. Indiana watched her for a moment, and reached out to hold her hand.

“It’s okay Beks. They know you’re tired, you’re allowed to show it.”

“Says you,” she muttered. “Haven’t seen you sleep since I went off meds.”

Indy swallowed. “I sleep when you sleep.”

“Liar.”

“How do you feel?” She changed the subject.

“Like I’m dying.”

Indy choked, and Bekah laughed dryly. “C’mon, that was a good one. And don’t say it isn’t, cause you know I’m right.”

It took all of Indy’s strength not to try to coat it all in some toxic positivity, tell her it wasn’t that bad, that she would feel better, that she would get better - the things she’d been telling her all the years she’d known her.

They weren’t true, and she had to be okay with that.

“I really do think it’ll be this week,” Bekah said, picking at balls of lint on her blanket.

“Why do you think that?” Indy kept her tone as neutral as she could.

“I feel it. Feels… different. I want to go in my sleep, if I can. Think it’ll be easier for everyone that way. Is there a way to make that happen?”

Indy put on her hospital smile. “That’s usually how it goes babe, when you let someone go naturally. Your body gets tired, and you sleep, and then you go.”

She pondered on that for a moment, sat with it, and then she nodded, firm and confident.

“Okay. Good. That’ll be good.”

Indy hoped that one day she could have half the bravery of the girl sitting in front of her, with her thin arms and her purple head scarf, her small smile and stern gaze.

“Can we have milkshakes? And watch some of Grayson’s videos before my parents get back?”

Indy swallowed. “Of course. I’ll go get them, you rest.”

She was glad she could pull strings - the kitchen was usually closed to requests after dinner, but Daniel downstairs was always nice when she called. Sure enough, by the time she’d swiped through all the doors and made it to the kitchen, he had two vanilla milkshakes with extra whipped cream, and sprinkles on Bekah’s.

“Thanks D!”

“You’re welcome other D,” Daniel smiled. The hole in Indy’s chest rubbed raw, and she turned quickly before he could think he did something wrong. She breathed, timed her inhales with her steps as she traversed the halls.

It didn’t help, because when she walked into Bekah’s room she heard him.

Only this time, we’re getting sinus surgery

“Ooo, sprinkles!” Beks smiled and reached out a hand, waiting for Indy to pass her the milkshake.

She did, and she settled next to her on the bed with her own, leaning just far enough back so that Bekah couldn’t see her face.

The videos were always harder. He was still all over her social media, pictures and screenshots and people tagging the two of them on tea pages. He was still in her phone too - the outgoing calls, the photos in her camera roll. But the videos were the worst, because it was him. His mannerisms, his eyebrows that curved when he talked, his tongue that peeked through his smile when he laughed just hard enough.

She watched anyways, let the ache fester and make her feel something. She stared at his sunburnt nose, and listened to him talk about his once deviated septum that they didn’t actually fix - he still snored loud enough to wake her up some nights. She missed it.

Bekah laughed at every funny comment the boys made under their anesthesia in the video, and it was music to Indy’s ears, heartwarming enough for her to be able to stomach watching. By 15 minutes in, Bekah had abandoned her milkshake, the whipped cream dissolving down into the ice cream as her head lulled onto Indy’s shoulder and she fell asleep.

With a shaky hand, Indy checked her pulse.

Slow, but steady.

She turned off the TV.

In California, the fight didn’t start until Tuesday night. The house had been full of tension for almost a week, and the usual LA sunshine didn’t help to lighten the mood.

Grayson had become a recluse. He’d fallen back on the earlier method of locking his phone in a box in an attempt to save his sanity, which was even more fragile from the doom scrolling he’d found himself doing as people speculated every single detail of his life online. The black metal cube sat on a table in the living room, and he only saw it on the few occasions that he ventured out to the kitchen for food.

Even in his limited excursions, he felt the awkward energy radiating from his twin and Eden. They’d had their spats in the past, just like any couple, but there was something different about this one that had Grayson glad he was out of the room when Eden finally cleared her throat and looked at her boyfriend.

“Are we gonna talk about this?”

Ethan picked at a scab on his forearm - he’d been longboarding again as an excuse to get out of the house.

“Talk about what?”

“Talk about why we aren’t talking,” she huffed. “You’re mad at me.”

“Correct,” Ethan said.

“Tell me why then.”

He looked at her incredulously. “You have to ask?”

Eden swallowed down her anger, knowing it wouldn’t help anything. She waited. They sat in stalemate for a moment and she watched it boil up in Ethan before he sighed and turned in his chair towards her.

“Being hateful to me when you’re upset is one thing, because I signed up for that. But to my brother? When he’s doing pretty much as bad as I’ve ever seen him? Not okay. At all.”

“Ethan-”

“And I’m all for the tough love approach or whatever, but that was fucked up. He was just starting to do a little bit better and now look at him.”

“Better? You thought that was better?”

“He was eating at least, and still trying to work a little bit. Now, he’s barely able to do the podcast, much less anything else.”

“You all were already going to cut the main channel, that’s not because of this,” she argued.

“I’m talking everything else Eden. The businesses. Figuring out what the fuck we’re gonna do. He said the other day we could split time between here and Jersey, which really means here and New York if we only do the podcast.”

“And he didn’t think of that as an option before he broke up with Indiana? Makes sense.”

Ethan ignored her and kept going.

“At least he’s thinking about the future, which is better than before. I need him. But I need him, and you yelling at him set him back to square one.”

“If you thought he was even close to out of square one you’re blind.”

“Don’t act like you know my fucking twin better than I do,” Ethan snapped, and if it wasn’t for the protective nature in his tone, Eden would have lost it.

“Ethan.” She waited until he looked up at her, and she saw some of the anger leave his eyes when they met her. “He wasn’t getting better, because he was holding on. Fuck, he still is!”

“Telling him to let go isn’t going to make him let go! Have you met him? He’s the most stubborn fucking person on the face of this fucking earth! He already wants to go back, he’s not gonna let go!”

She could think of one person that could rival him for the title, but she kept it to herself.

“He’ll do it if he thinks he’s doing it for her,” Eden explained. “Don’t you see that? That’s why he did all of this. In his head, somehow, he thinks he’s doing what’s best for Indy. But he fucked her over, royally.”

“He knows that,” Ethan said.

“Okay, great! But he has to let go of her, because she won’t. Indy is an optimist if I’ve ever fucking met one, and she will always hope that he’s gonna come back, so he can’t do anything to feed into it. That’s torture, for both of them. And they both deserve better than that.”

Ethan couldn’t find a grip hold for an argument - one of the many reasons he hated arguing with Eden. So he sat in silence for a moment and accepted his defeat.

“You didn’t have to call him a moron,” he added.

“Anyone who let’s Indiana Cross slip through their fingers is a moron,” she muttered, shoulders relaxing as she realized the fight was over. “But yeah, that was probably a little harsh. I’ll apologize for that one.” She sighed, glad that everything was out on the table for the time being, smiling when Ethan patted his thigh once for her to sit on. She climbed up and nuzzled into his neck - she’d missed being so close to him the last few days. She soaked in the moment, running her fingers over the neck of his henley.

“Is it weird that I miss her? I mean, I know I haven’t known her very long, but she really felt like part of the family.”

“I miss her too,” Ethan sighed, pressing a kiss to Eden’s temple.

She pondered her apology to Grayson as she relaxed into his arms, but it was futile.

Grayson had been listening, standing in the hallway outside his door.

There were no tears; just an overwhelming numbness that had settled over him in the last few days. Eden’s words were the final nail in the coffin - he couldn’t reach out to Indy, though it got more and more tempting each day. He’d promised not to hurt her more than he already had, and he was going to stick to his word. Someone important had taught him that.

He retreated to his room and sat on the edge of the bed before he spoke.

“Hey dad.”

He always waited, just for a moment. Just in case. The silence was always loud, but it was deafening as he curled in on himself, staring down at the grains of wood in the floor.

“Dad I think I really fucked up this time,” he whispered. He willed the tears, but they didn’t come, though his eyes still burned. “I wish you were here. I wish you could have met her.”

As he sat, he remembered what his dad had said in those last few days, in the few hours that he was awake, when he fought off the pain and the fatigue to be there for his kids and his wife. I’ll always be there, you can always talk to me. Just say whatever you would if I was right there beside you, cause I will be.

So he did. He spoke as if he could feel the weight of his dad on the bed beside him, feel his arm around his shoulder.

Grayson sat on the edge of his bed and told Sean everything about the girl that he still loved. Her intelligence, her laugh, her smile, the way he wasn’t sure he’d ever be able to love someone else. He lost track of how long he talked, run on sentences and gestures that only made it more obvious that his dad wasn’t there to tell him to slow down and take a breath before he talked himself into a pump from his inhaler. When he ran out of words, he did the only thing he knew to do when all else went wrong; turned his shower on as hot as he could stand it, sat down on the bench so the water ran over him, and thought of Indy.

The storm rolled into the city on Wednesday - unprecedented and angry, snarling the clouds in swirls of dark, heavy gray and dumping down over the skyscrapers of New York.

Indiana was watching the monitors. Her eyes jumped with each pulse of Bekah’s heart, which was beating faster than her usual. Her blood pressure was low, her breathing more irregular. Indy could see the textbook page in her head - actively dying. She’d learned the vital signs to look for, and how to fix them, what medicines to push.

But she wasn’t supposed to be making Bekah better, and that was the hardest part.

Thunder shook the room, and Bekah shivered. Mrs. Newcomb wrung her hands, and her husband ran a hand along her shoulders.

“She hasn’t woken up all day,” she murmured.

“She’s resting baby, it’s okay.”

Bekah’s monitors began to beep a bit faster. Her heart rate slowly rose - 82, then 85, then 90. Indy watched, her nerves prickling, eyes darting to the clipboard at the end of her bed, with DNR in bright red block letters - do not resuscitate. Bekah whimpered, her head turning into her pillow as her breathing got quicker, her heart working in overtime to try to keep her body afloat.

Mrs. Newcomb rushed to her daughter’s side, running a hand over her cheek as she began to cry.

“Bekah, sweetheart breathe, just breathe baby, don’t go yet, don’t go,” she pleaded, and Indy bit back her cries. Two nurses showed up in the doorway, waiting. There was nothing they could do but watch, and answer questions if they were asked.

Bekah’s father turned to the corner.

“Indiana, Indiana what’s happening to my baby?” He cried. It was enough to break Indy out of her trance, and she moved over to the bedside, resting a hand on Bekah’s leg.

“Her body is trying to decide what to do. It’s tired, and with her blood pressure going down, her heart is work harder to move her blood around. That’s why it’s faster,” she explained. “She’s not in pain right now, her medicine should still be working. It probably just feels a bit scary.”

Mr. Newcomb took her hand, and squeezed. Indy looked back to the monitors, unable to bear looking down at Bekah. She watched the blips on the monitor start to regulate again, sinus rhythm reappearing, allowing both of them to breathe easier. Bekah groaned a bit and settled into her covers, and a broken sob made its way out of Mrs. Newcomb’s throat.

“I need a minute,” she said, and then she was headed for the door with a hand over her mouth. It was the second time she was sick that day. Mr. Newcomb took her to the cafeteria to get a Sprite, and Indy took her usual spot, perched on the edge of Bekah’s bed. She took her hand, tensing a bit with how cold it was. She rubbed it, bringing it up to her lips to blow warmth into her palm as best she could.

Bekah stirred, and her eyes opened for the first time in many hours.

“Hey,” Indy said quietly, not wanting to startle her.

“What was all that noise?” Bekah’s voice was croaky, but she shook her head when Indy offered her a drink of water.

“Your monitors. They’re loud aren’t they?”

“Yeah. Annoying as hell,” she mumbled, then opened her eyes a bit wider, scanning the room for her mother.

“Language,” Indy teased.

“Why were they going off?”

It took all of Indy’s strength not to lie.

“Your heart rate picked up because your blood pressure went down. That’s something that happens…”

“Oh. It means it’s getting close isn’t it.”

Indy nodded and squeezed her hand. Bekah took a moment to process, and then she turned her head back to her friend.

“Is Grayson here yet?”

“No. Not yet.”

“Well, he better come soon if he wants to see me. Tell him to hurry, since I’m dying and shit.”

“Language,” Indy whispered it so her voice didn’t crack. Bekah played with the edge of her blanket.

“Am I supposed to be scared?”

“There’s no right or wrong way to be right now Beks. You just do what you need and feel how you feel, and we’ll be here the whole time, okay? We’re right here.”

“You need to not be here,” Bekah said, and Indy’s breath caught in her throat.

“Oh.”

“You need sleep, and a shower. I won’t die while you’re gone if I can help it. Promise.” She wrapped her pinky around Indy’s as best she could.

Before she could refuse, the Newcombs appeared back through the door, delighted to see their daughter awake. She sat up a bit straighter in bed and put on her best smile, Indy’s heart tightening at the sight.

“Go,” Bekah whispered through her smile. She squeezed her hand one more time, and then let go, walking up to Mrs. Newcomb.

“I’m gonna go get freshened up and grab some clean clothes, but will you text me if anything changes? I live right down the street, so I can be back here really quick,” she explained, trying to ignore the growing look of pity in her eyes.

“Of course dear. But you go home for the night, we’ll be alright. I’ll call you if anything changes, you need your rest. You’ve been here so long, have a night of normalcy at home and come back fresh tomorrow, okay?”

Indy nodded - it was all she could do. She blew Bekah a kiss and walked out the door, pausing when she noticed something had changed.

A small blue heart had been placed by her room number - a signal that made Indy’s heart sink. Bekah was officially dying, and it was there for every nurse and visitor on the unit to see, to signify they needed to respect privacy and be quiet when they were close by.

It made no sense, for that to be her breaking point. She’d known. She’d seen it, in her vitals and her demeanor and the fact that just their conversation was enough to have her ready to sleep for another 8 hours.

But that little blue heart was her undoing, and she clutched her chest for the entire walk out of the hospital, down the stairs and out into the pouring rain. The thought of her empty apartment, with no Grayson and no Charlie and no Devin was too much - instead, she found herself running down the sidewalk past the lobby to the parking garage, shoes sloshing with water by the time she made it under the concrete.

The valet didn’t ask questions when she passed over her key, shivering as she waited for him to bring her car out. As soon as she climbed in she hit the gas, ready to drive somewhere, anywhere, that wasn’t her home. The road was blurry despite the rapid back and forth of her windshield wipers, but she trudged on, just coherent enough to keep her tires between the white lines as she fled the city. The river was swollen when she drove over the bridge into Jersey, and she let herself zone out, let her mind take her wherever it wanted to go.

She knew where she would end up.

The crunch of gravel was familiar under her tires when she turned off the winding road. It was a comforting sound, though it was muffled by the rain, and it wasn’t until she was close enough to the white house to see that the kitchen light was on that she realized what she was doing.

She put the car in park, ready to shift it to reverse until a small figure appeared on the front porch, waving her inside.

Her earlier words rang in her ears. My door is always open.

She hoped it was true as she flung her car door open and bolted for the protection of the porch.

Lisa was waiting for her, standing in her pajamas with worry written all over her face.

“Indiana? Sweetheart, are you okay?”

All Indy could do was sob. She hated it, and the voice in her head berated her over and over, reminded her she had no place there anymore, that she was putting Lisa in a terrible position. But the feeling of a mother’s arms around her wasn’t something she could fight against, and she crumpled into her and let herself be held.

“Shhh. Shhh, you’re okay,” she hummed, running a hand over Indy’s blonde hair that was soaking wet. “Let’s get you inside and get warmed up.”

Indy let herself be led in, shoulders relaxing a bit at the familiarity of where she was until she spotted Grayson’s work boots in the corner and recoiled back. Lisa sat her down in a chair in the kitchen and squatted down until they were eye level.

“Are you hurt?”

Indy shook her head, wrapping her arms around herself.

“Is everything okay?” Her tone gave away that she already knew the answer, but Indy shook her head again anyways. Lisa patted her leg and sighed quietly, reaching up to brush some of her hair back.

“Does Grayson know you’re here?”

The squeak that escaped Indy’s lips was the only warning before she let out a sob so loud that Gizmo yelled in shock.

“I’m s-s-s-orry,” she choked, crumpling with her face in her hands.

“No, no no shhh, it’s okay sweetheart. It’s alright, you’re okay.” Lisa pulled her to her as best she could, rocking just barely as she held her.

“No, I shouldn’t have come, I don’t want to make things difficult for you with - him.” Indy couldn’t get herself to say his name and Lisa just shook her head.

“Babe I told you that I would be here for you no matter what, and I meant it, okay? I won’t tell him you’re here unless I need to. You can stay as long as you need, you hear me?” She used her thumbs to wipe at Indy’s tears, frowning at the dark circles she found.

“Sweetheart, when was the last time you got a good night’s sleep?”

Indy’s silence was enough.

“Well, it’s late, and I think sleep is the first thing you need. We can talk tomorrow, but right now, you go up and climb into bed okay? They’re all made up, you can sleep wherever you’d like. Do you need anything, or do you remember where everything is.”

“I remember,” Indy whispered, taking in a shaky breath. “Thank you Li.”

“Of course. You’re a part of this family, always. Now, get some rest. You know where I am if you need me.”

She kissed her forehead and disappeared up the stairs. Indy wasn’t sure how long it took to get herself together and muster the energy to climb those same stairs, take a left into the room she’d been in so many times before.

It still smelled a bit like him, and she couldn’t help but to take a few deep breaths, closing her eyes and pretending he was right there, sprawled out in bed with the blanket held up for her like the first time she’d slept over. It was the same blanket when she opened her eyes again, and the thought of climbing into it without him waiting for her made her sick to her stomach. She couldn’t look at the bed any longer, so she turned to the closet, sighing when she saw all the warm clothes that were far too much fabric for LA, even in the winter. It was almost unconscious, the way she found herself in front of his shirts, running her fingers over the various fabric until she landed on a familiar flannel. Checkered, with blue, white and black squares. Thick and warm, he’d worn it once when they went out to check on the progress of the tiny homes, and she’d woven her arms underneath it when she reached around him to hold on as he drove them through the trees.

Before she could stop herself, she snatched it off the hanger and pushed her arms through the sleeves, eyes prickling at the realization that she felt close to him for the first time in weeks, yet he was still so far away. She retreated back to the bedroom, grabbing one of the pillows and carrying it downstairs, all the way to the couch in the living room. The blankets were still in the basket in the corner, and she grabbed her favorite one before she curled up under it on the cold leather, pulling the flannel fabric up around her chin and closing her eyes.

In the kitchen, Gizmo turned on her perch and cocked her head.

“Dee,” she said, but Indiana was already asleep.

It was the best sleep she had in weeks - the peace of knowing that she wasn’t truly alone enough for her body to force her to catch up. Lisa was surprised to see her still curled up on the couch at 9:30 the next morning when she got ready for work as the rain continued outside. She watched her sleep for a few moments, heart tight at the way her eyebrows were still furrowed and her face buried in the collar of a shirt she was sure was her son’s.

She didn’t know the details, but she knew Grayson well enough to put together the pieces. But she also knew he wouldn’t let Indiana suffer this much if he truly knew how she was doing. It had to be bad if Indiana even considered coming out to the house, and it gave Lisa a level of mom anxiety she hadn’t had since the boys had picked up longboarding again. She wondered how he’d let it go on so long in the first place, and after a moment of debating, she scribbled down a note for Indy, went out to her car as quietly as she could, and called her son.

His phone sent her straight to voicemail. She tried again. Voicemail. With the third dial tone she couldn’t help the pit that grew in her stomach, an automatic mom reflex when your child is unreachable.

Instead, she called Ethan. It rang four times and then she heard a muffled groan and rustling before his voice came through the line.

“Ma, it’s 6:30 in the morning,” he grumbled, voice raspy and dry. “You okay?”

“Why isn’t your brother answering his phone? Are you two okay?”

Ethan sighed, annoyed. “He’s fine Mom, he’s just doing a detox from his phone. People were being shitty. He’s asleep down the hall, not dead in a ditch somewhere,” Ethan chuckled. Lisa wasn’t amused.

“Well, wake him up and un-detox him. He needs to call Indiana. Now.”

Ethan sat up in bed.

“Indy? Why, what’s wrong?”

“That’s for him to figure out. All I know is, she’s not doing well and he needs to call her. Now.”

“What happened?”

“Just make sure he calls her, alright? I’ve gotta get to work, I love you.”

“Alright, love you too.”

As soon as he hung up, he was on his feet, rushing down the hallway and throwing Grayson’s door open. He ran to the edge of his bed, shaking his shoulder until he groaned and opened his eyes.

“The fuck do you want,” he grumbled.

“You need to call Indiana, I just got off the phone with Ma. Something’s wrong.”

Grayson felt sick.

“What happened? Is she safe, is she okay?”

“I don’t know, you just need to call her.”

“You don’t know? You don’t know? The fuck do you mean you don’t know Ethan?” Grayson was yelling, but he was on his feet as he spoke, headed down the hallway in search of the lock box. He rummaged through the kitchen drawer until he found the key, hands so shaky it took three tries to unlock the metal contraption.

His phone was dead when he pulled it out, and it took all his willpower to keep from chucking it at the glass doors.

“Yours, give me yours.”

Ethan was a step ahead of him, already having Indiana’s contact pulled up. Grayson snatched it and hit the call button, heart pounding in his ears as he waited for her to answer.

Indy woke up to the buzzing of her phone against her arm where she’d tucked it the night before. Her eyes flew open - it must be Mrs. Newcomb, calling to tell her that Bekah had gotten worse. She sat up, rubbing at her eyes until she could read the name on her screen.

Ethan.

Her heart sank. She’d thought to call him more times than she wanted to admit, but she figured calling your ex's twin when said ex didn’t want to talk to you was crossing some moral line. Though as she sat on his mother’s couch, she figured it was time to get over the morals and do what she needed to do.

She swiped to answer.

“Dee? Are you okay? Are you safe?”

She couldn’t breathe. Her mouth opened and closed again as she tried to find something to say to the only person she’d wanted to talk to in almost three weeks. She hadn’t had time to prep herself, to give her heart a warning.

“Baby talk to me, tell me you’re okay,” he pleaded, and the pain in his voice was enough to snap her out of it.

“Grayson?” was all she could say.

“Yeah, it’s me. What’s wrong, are you hurt?”

“No, no I’m okay, I’m fine.”

Grayson took a breath for the first time since she picked up the phone. Suddenly, he wasn’t sure what to say, the panic dissipating and leaving his brain blank. Luckily, she spoke.

“I’ve been trying to call you,” she said.

“I know. Indiana I’m sor-”

“It’s Beks.”

His heart skipped a beat, and the silence rang in his ears as he clutched onto the back of the couch. Ethan, who had been eavesdropping from the kitchen, moved closer. Grayson waited for her to speak, to say it so he didn’t have to ask.

“Is she-”

“No.” Indy’s voice broke. “But…”

“Oh god. Fuck. Fuck Indy.” His knees wobbled beneath him.

“She isn’t in any pain, we’ve been keeping her comfortable. But it’s probably gonna be in the next few days,” she whispered between sniffles, her voice squeaky and small as she fought to get the words out.

“I’m sorry, I didn’t want to have to tell you over the phone but... “ she trailed off. “She asked when you were coming to see her, and I didn’t know what to say.”

The tears were burning as they slid down his cheeks. He squeezed his eyes closed, fighting the imagery of Bekah in her hospital bed, calling out for him.

“Indy-”

“I’m sorry, I didn’t know what to say so I just said you’d be there soon. If you can’t come she probably won’t remember, but I just wanted you to know, in case you wanted to be here. To see her, before…”

“I’m coming. I’ll be right there okay? I’m going to the airport now, I’ll be right there.”

Indy was silent for a moment, her eyes flickering to the rain outside.

“Fly safe. It’s storming here.”

“I will. I’ll see you soon okay? Just hold on, I’ll be there.”

“Okay.”

That sat in silence for a moment until Indiana finally hung up.

“I’m going with you,” Ethan said. He didn’t need context - all he knew is his brother needed him. Grayson nodded once, passed him his phone and headed straight for his room. He packed blindly, throwing things into his suitcase without bothering to fold them, just desperate to get on the road to the airport and get back to New York. Ethan was two steps behind him when he finally made it to the door, his phone pressed to his ear as he tried to explain the situation as best he could to a very worried Eden. Grayson loaded the bags as Ethan climbed into the driver’s seat, leaving the charger open for Grayson’s still dead phone. Ethan practically peeled out of the driveway towards LAX, the cab filled with silence apart from the hum of the engine and the quiet sniffles from Gray when his phone turned back on and he saw all the missed texts and calls from Indiana who had been trying so desperately to reach him. The guilt made him queasy, and Ethan’s driving didn’t help as he hopped lanes and sped on, praying no cops were on the road.

Grayson’s knee bounced impatiently as they waited in the line for parking, paying an astronomical amount seeing that they didn’t know when they would be back. Then they were running, dragging their bags behind them on the asphalt and beelining for the front desk. The attendants eyes went wide when they requested the next flight to New York at the exact same time. It wasn’t taking off for three more hours, much to their dismay, but they accepted it and headed towards security with their heads low and phones in hand.

The next flight doesn’t leave until around 10 but we’ll be on it. I’m sorry.

He watched the bubbles appear and disappear three times over, and then her response came.

nothing to be sorry for. I’m back at the hospital with her, she’s resting. I’ll keep you updated. the storm is still really bad here, please be careful

He wished he could reach out and hold her hand, ease her anxiety about his flight. He couldn’t imagine the emotion of that on top of everything else, so he said all he could think to.

I’ll be safe, and I’ll be there soon.

He typed I love you and deleted it before he sent it.

And then, it was a waiting game. The boys kept their hoods up and their heads down in hopes they wouldn’t be recognized. It seemed the universe was in their favor for the time being, no one bothering them while they waited, but it took a turn when their flight was delayed for weather not once, but twice, pushing their departure time to 2pm instead. He apologized again, agonizing over the thought of Indy sitting in the hospital by herself, but her response was the same.

she’s still resting, it’s okay. just be safe.

“We’re doing everything we can,” Ethan tried to reassure him, but he knew it was futile.

“I should have been there. I should have never left her in the first place Ethan, I’m an idiot.”

“You couldn’t have known this was going to happen. You told me she was getting better.”

He thought his brother was still talking about Bekah, and the queasiness returned.

“She was.”

They sat in silence as the hours crawled by. Ethan bought them lunch from a vegan salad shop down the terminal, even got his brother one of the protein coffee drinks he liked. Grayson picked at the lettuce and left it abandoned for his twin to finish. His only solace was his headphones that he kept pressed far into his ears with a constant stream of Cudi to keep him sane. After what felt like an eternity, they called for boarding. He texted her again to let her know he was on his way, and in a cruel play of the universe or whatever it was, Teleport 2 Me Jamie began to play.

His eyes were blurry as he followed Ethan to their seats, climbing in by the window and readjusting his hood so it folded around his face as much as it could, hiding. Ethan leaned forward and acted like he was reading the SkyMagazine he found in the back of his seat, shielding his brother from view as best he could.

They’d been on a flight like this before. January of 2019 - it had been raining that day too, but they had both been crying that day. So he stayed strong for his brother as best he could, got him a gingerale when the flight attendant passed by, and left Grayson alone.

Indy wished someone would talk to her. She wished Bekah would wake up again - it had been hours of silence apart from the beeps of her monitor and the footsteps of the nurses outside the door. It was never truly silent in a hospital after all. But she was glad that she slept despite the loneliness. She hoped it would mean that she had energy for when Grayson made it to the hospital.

Grayson.

Her brain didn’t have the space to process that he would be there in the next six hours. His text that said he had boarded barely even registered in her mind, but her body was aware. Her anxiety picked up ten fold, her leg bouncing until it cramped, her lungs tight and fingernails bit down to the nail beds. The rain was relentless, as if the city were drowning already and it decided to add more for the fun of it, to watch the humans run around like ants in their multicolored raincoats. The universe was sick that way.

Mr. Newcomb returned from the nurses station where he’d insisted on dropping off some cookies he’d bought at the store. He was quiet as he came into the room, eyes on his daughter until he finally peeled them away to look at Indy.

“Do you think she’ll be asleep a little while longer? We were hoping to take some of her clothes home and wash them, so she has her choice from all her favorites for the next few days.”

“I think so. My… friend is coming later. Her other buddy, from the program. We’ll keep her company if you guys need to eat and get some sleep for a few hours. I can text you if anything changes.”

“I’ll see if I can convince Martina to get some shut eye I will,” he laughed, giving Indy a grateful smile and taking one more glance at his girl before he gathered her laundry and left. It only hit Indiana when he stepped out that she had never known Martina’s name until then. Bekah’s father was named Tarin, she knew that much. But she’d never even gotten to a first name basis with Martina. In all the years they’d known each other, and all the hours in hospital rooms and tears shared, she’d never been anything but Bekah’s mom to Indy. It wasn’t uncommon for Indiana to keep mom’s at an arm’s length from her. A protective mechanism she’d never consciously implemented, but it prevailed nonetheless.

She wondered if Bekah would have wanted to be a mom someday. When she was 13 she’d insisted that men were trash and that she’d never get married even if she made it through all her cancer, but as she’d gotten a bit older she loved to talk about all her celebrity crushes. Indy looked in her side drawer and smiled when she found the little picture of Harry Styles she’d given her during her last round of treatment - she’d taken it with her to every room since.

Indy paced the room, her anxiety to high to allow her to sit. She thought of Grayson on a plane somewhere, the metal tube rocking in the sky, cutting through the clouds. When she would get to the window she’d look up, hoping to see the lights from the wing of a plane somewhere, hoping it was his and that it was coming down safely.

She paced for two more hours before her phone buzzed.

Landed. I should be there in about 40. She still asleep?

Indy took in her first deep breath in hours.

yeah, she’s still out. I’ll meet you in the ocean hallway so you don’t have to buzz in, just text me when you’re close.

Will do.

Ma is picking us up so as soon as we get out we’ll head straight there

Ethan is with me but he’s just gonna go home with her for now

sounds good

She didn’t have much to say, her stomach fluttering against her will. Her emotions were too unbalanced for her to even know what was happening. Excitement, and fear and grief and anxiety and anger and confusion, all at once somehow. She wrapped her arms around herself to try to hold it together and went back to pacing.

Grayson was soaked by the time he made it into Lisa’s car, scurrying into the backseat and barking out directions harsher than he meant to.

“I already have it in the GPS. Calm down,” Lisa said, giving Ethan a side eye in the passenger seat.

“Sorry,” Grayson muttered, ringing his hands.

“S’alright babe,” Lisa sighed, reaching an arm back to pat his leg where she could reach. They drove in silence, listening to the rain smack against the roof and the windshield until Ethan spoke up.

“Did Indy call you? Is that how you knew something was wrong?” He asked Lisa. He hadn’t said anything, but he was worried too.

Lisa debated it for a moment, and then she sighed.

“She was upset, and she needed to get in touch with Grayson,” was all she said. “The rest of it, she can tell you.”

Gray didn’t have the energy to be annoyed. Every ounce he had was involved in the visuals flipping through his mind like a viewfinder; Indy in the ocean hallway, Bekah and her halloween blanket, the tiny homes, Indy’s tears in the airport. He hadn’t imagined that the next time he saw her would be like this. He wanted it to be different. Better. He wanted everything to be better.

When they finally made it to the hospital, Lisa pulled to the curb and turned to her youngest son with a serious look.

“You take care of her, but you take care of you too, okay? I love you.”

Grayson’s nose burned and he nodded once before he ducked out into the rain.

Indy stopped walking, and breathing, when her phone buzzed again.

Here. Omw up

She liked the message, fixed Bekah’s blankets and headed out into the hallway and through the doors. The smiles of the marine life were haunting as she waited for any sign that he was close.

Her head whipped up when she heard the familiar clammer of the far doors being pushed open.

He was wearing his yellow Cudi hoodie, but it was the wrong color. The fabric was darker than she remembered, darker than the picture she had of him in it, the one she’d taken in Jet’s once. It didn’t process that it was because it was wet until he was halfway down the hall. His hair was a bit longer than it had been, without Lisa there to trim it up. And his beard was full and scruffy and dark, hiding away his jaw line. She could still tell that his teeth were clenched though, his nerves palpable as he got closer and closer to her.

His shoe squeaked when he stopped in front of her. Neither of them breathed for a moment. They just stared at each other. He shoved his hands into his hoodie pockets to keep himself from hugging her, from crossing a boundary that he wished he’d never set.

“Hi,” he said.

Breathe in. Breathe out.

“Hey. How was your flight?”

“Long, but not too bumpy.”

Another painful beat of silence.

“How is she?”

“She’s still asleep, but we can wake her up. Meds are coming soon, just stuff to keep her comfortable. Her vitals are still okay, she’s just a bit groggy. But she’s excited to see you.” Indy offered him a small smile, and it had his knees ready to give out beneath him.

“And you? Are you okay?” He asked.

Indy’s smile faded, and she looked at the jellyfish.

“That doesn’t matter right now. C’mon, let’s go see her.”

Indy used her badge to swipe into the door, but Grayson’s throat was too tight to ask her about it. Instead he just followed her down the familiar hallway, trying to avoid the looks of pity from the nurses who recognized him.

Indy caught his wrist before he walked into the room.

“I didn’t… she doesn’t know about… us. I didn’t want to upset her, and it never really came up. I’m sorry,” she whispered. She sounded ashamed, but all Grayson could focus on was the feeling of her hand on his skin again, even if it was just a few fingers.

“Okay. That’s okay.”

“Okay.”

Indy walked into the room, the most hesitant that Grayson had ever seen her.

Beks looked cold. Even cuddled under her blankets she looked like she was freezing, and Grayson had trouble breathing. Indy went to the side of her bed, ran her thumb across her cheek and over to her shoulder where she squeezed gently.

“Beks, hey. Bekah,” she used her most gentle voice until the youngster stirred. “Someone’s here to see you.”

Grayson pulled it together in the last moment before Bekah opened her eyes.

“Earrings,” she sighed, a small smile on her lips. It was the most expression Indy had seen all day. “You made it.”

“Of course I did sweet girl,” he chuckled to hide his pain, moving beside Indy and crouching down so Bekah could see him easier. “Sorry it took me so long.”

“S’okay. We all know you’re slow,” she teased. “Hey, no tears. No crying in Bekah’s room.”

He hadn’t even realized he was until she said it, and he used his hoodie to wipe his eyes.

“Sorry Beks. Just missed you is all.”

“Yeah, well we missed you too. Did you convince my parents to go home?”

“Yeah,” Indy answered. “They’re getting some rest and bringing you some clean clothes.”

“Mmm, good. I think that black hoodie is a good one to die in,” she said, body shaking just barely with a laugh that turned into a cough.

“Pardon the death jokes, you’ll get used to them,” Bekah smiled at Grayson and the shock on his face once her throat cleared enough.

He thought of Sean, how he had pretended everything was fine until the very end, and he smiled.

“Don’t you think a black death hoodie is a little on the nose?” He said, and Bekah laughed. It sounded the most like her real one since she’d been off her treatment, and it warmed Indy’s soul.

“Fair point. Maybe I should go with blue. You think someone will let me into heaven if I’m in blue or will I just blend in with the sky?”

“I don’t think anyone has to let you in,” Indy said with a laugh, crouching down next to Grayson. Their knees bumped together. “Pretty sure you just end up there.”

“I hope so. There’s no one there to find me anyways.” The playful edge was gone from her voice, and Grayson frowned.

“What do you mean?”

“I’m the first one. I mean, I guess my grandma is up there but I never knew her. Everybody always talks about how their family will be there, when they go.” She paused, taking a few deep breaths to get her energy back. She hadn’t talked so much in days, and her heart rate was rising from the exertion of it. The pair waited patiently, giving her the time she needed to finish her thought.

“I don’t have anyone to die for, anybody waiting on me. I gotta find my way in there alone.”

The innocence of it was enough to rip Indy’s heart in half, and she couldn’t find the comforting words that she wanted to give. But Grayson cleared his throat.

“You won’t be alone. I know of at least two people who will be right there waiting for you.”

She perked up a bit, eyes opening wider from where they’d started to close. “Really?”

“Yeah. My dad. He looks kinda like me, but shorter, with a better beard. His name is Sean.”

Bekah smiled. “Whose the other one?”

“A tall blonde lady named Nicole. Indy’s mom. Looks just like her, you won’t be able to miss her. They’ll help you, and keep you safe.” The sincerity in his voice was enough for Indy to realize he desperately wanted it to be true. She turned her head to hide her tears, clinging onto the bed rail to keep herself steady.

“That sounds nice,” Bekah breathed, her eyes slowly closing. “You all want me to tell them anything, when I get there?”

It was Grayson’s turn to lose his voice.

“No babe. We can tell them when we get up there.” Indy answered after a moment too long.

“That better not be for a long time. I gotta have some entertainment. Watch you all grow up and get married and have kids. You better name one after me too,” she sighed, her voice getting quieter as her heart sped up.

“You bet,” Grayson said, leaning forward to kiss her forehead as her breathing slowed and evened out again. It was slower than it should be, and Grayson realized his own breathing was fast… too fast. He brought a hand to his chest, then his other to cover his mouth and keep himself quiet.

“Shh, shhh hey, you’re okay, here, c’mon, you’re okay.” Indy’s voice was in his ear, her arms under his to try and guide him up to his feet, then out to the hallway. She held his arm and pulled him over into a supply closet that she swiped into, letting the door shut behind them.

“Breathe Grayson. It’s okay, just breathe.”

He fell to pieces in her arms, his back curled painfully so he could bury his face in the crook of her neck and sob. They were ugly sounds, wet and snotty and raw and she didn’t care. She just held him together as best she could with her small hands, let him relax into her and get it out of his system. His shoulders stilled eventually, but his arms stayed locked around her like a vice.

Neither of them moved until the motion sensor light clicked off, covering them in darkness.

They didn’t speak. They untangled themselves and let the light turn back on before they headed back into the hallway as if nothing had happened, back into Bekahs room. Her heart rate was perpetually high now, fighting to keep the blood pumping.

Another sign that the end was coming soon.

Indiana and Grayson sat down on the couch beside each other, just close enough for their shoulders to graze occasionally when they shifted. Indy watched the monitors and Grayson watched her, reading her expressions as best he could over what felt like an eternity. He looked at all the things he’d missed - the freckle by her ear, and the baby hairs that sat by her temple and never seemed to grow.

It could have been minutes, or hours. No one was sure. But eventually Indy’s posture slumped slightly, and with a final sigh she leaned over to the left, her head resting on Grayson’s shoulder.

He stopped breathing, only allowing himself shallow inhales that left his torso perfectly still so she could rest. He didn’t know how to feel, and against his will his eyes prickled at the realization that despite the fucked up situation they were in, she was there, leaned against him. Beside him. Something he wasn’t sure he was ever going to get ever again. The way she shifted and mumbled in her sleep let him know she wasn’t comfortable, but he let himself be selfish for a few minutes and soothed her back down so she stayed, relished in the weight of her on him and resisting the urge to wrap his arm around her shoulders.

He moved as carefully as he ever had to press a tiny kiss to her hair.

She sighed and settled down further in her seat, moving her head onto the back of the couch and freeing him.

The angle of her neck looked painful, and he scanned the room, noticing that they’d brought in two recliners, presumably for her parents. He stood up carefully and dragged the chairs away from the wall, lining them up like he had in his dad’s room. He hunted down a few extra pillows from the nurses, blankets too, and brought them in, making little makeshift beds for the two of them.

He felt guilt waking Indy up, but he didn’t want to pick her up without permission. Instead, he shook her shoulder gently until she stirred, panicking for a moment until she realized everything was okay. Her heart fluttered at the realization that Grayson was still there.

“Sleep over here, it’ll save your neck.” He nodded towards the chair and she stood up slowly, groggily moving over into one of them. She sighed as she settled in, exhaustion taking over. Grayson liked to think that she felt peaceful enough, safe enough to sleep because he was there, but he didn’t let himself believe it. So he simply moved her blanket up over her torso before he climbed into his own chair that faced the other way so they could see each other.

He watched her sleep for a moment, and then her hand moved just far enough down the arm rest. She wiggled her fingers until he got the message, slipping his hand into hers before he too fell asleep.

When they awoke the next morning, their hands were still intertwined, and Bekah’s parents were coming in the doorway. Indy woke up first, sitting up straight and squeezing Grayson’s hand.

“Grayson. Gray, hey, wake up.”

He grumbled until he was able to open his eyes, wiping his mouth with his hoodie sleeve as he came to and realized where he was. He was quick to stand, to introduce himself to Bekah’s parents with firm handshakes. His hair was a mess, and Indy bit her fingernails to keep from reaching out to smooth it out.

The day went by, measured by the heart rate monitor beeps that got quicker and quicker, and the rattling of Bekah’s breath as the fluid settled in her lungs. Martina and Indy changed her into her blue hoodie, and fixed her favorite scarf - one with tiny blue lightning bolts - over her head.

Indy and Gray didn’t have the energy or stamina to try to figure out where they stood, so they chose together, for the time being. She kept her arm wrapped around his, the way she used to when he walked her down the street. He traced over her fingers where she held onto him, chewing her lip while she watched her vitals grow worse and worse, all the red flags she would be trying to fix if that was the goal. Around 3pm, the nurse came into the room. The way Indy tensed was enough for Grayson to know something was happening.

“We’re gonna give her a bit more sedation to keep her comfortable. With the current levels of her vitals, it might slow her down enough to let her pass peacefully. There are no guarantees, but it is possible.”

Martina began to cry into her husband’s shoulder.

“So we should say our goodbyes then?” Tarin asked through a tight throat. The nurse nodded.

“We’ll administer it and then give you guys some privacy.”

“She won’t be in any pain, right?”

“No sir. It’ll just be like falling asleep.”

Indy watched as she set up her IV and stepped out of the room.

Grayson and Indy followed her out quietly, giving Bekah and her parents the moment that they needed. Indy’s breath was shaky, and she held tighter to Grayson as they waited in the hallway. He looked up towards the light in an attempt to stop the tears, and a few moments later, he felt a tap on his shoulder.

It was Martina, her eyes red and cheeks blotchy.

“You all are family. She would want you here with her.”

Grayson’s feet wouldn’t move until Indy guided him back into the room.

Bekah’s parents stayed on either side of her bed and held her hands while Indy and Grayson stood at the foot of her bed and watched her take her last breath.

Indy didn’t cry. She stood watch, only moving when the nurses came in to confirm time of death. She went and turned the monitors off, cutting the monotonous tone out abruptly as they removed Bekah’s IV. Grayson’s quiet sniffled and muffled sobs were almost enough to tip her over the edge, but she held it together. She hugged Martina, then Tarin, and then retreated into Grayson’s side yet again.

There wasn’t a signal, or anyone that told them it was time to go. But they found themselves outside in the hallway eventually, and they walked arm and arm. They signed out at the desk for the last time and walked out the doors of the pediatric oncology ward, through the ocean hallway and down the stairs.

The rain had stopped.

They walked the streets in silence, holding onto each other tightly as people passed them on the sidewalk, completely unaware of what had just happened to them. The world continued to turn, the city continued to bustle, and they continued to walk, one foot in front of the other until they made it to the elevator of her building.

Indy watched the numbers go by as it climbed. She didn’t say a word when they got to her floor, or through her door or over to her couch. Grayson sat down beside her and took his shoes off. She stared over his shoulder out the windows, an overwhelming numbness settling over her entirety.

“Indy, why don’t you take your shoes off,” Grayson whispered.

She didn’t look at him.

“Indy?”

He waited. The blues in her eyes were dark, and his heart sank. He knelt down and untied her shoes, sliding them off her feet gently. He took her socks off too - she hated sleeping in socks.

“I’ve got you. You’re safe, it’s okay,” he said, brushing some of her hair behind her ear. She swallowed hard, and that was enough for Grayson to justify picking her up and carrying her into her room. He sat her down and pulled her covers back before he got her into bed.

Once she was settled he stood up, waiting for just a moment before he spoke.

“I’ll be on the couch if you need me okay? I’ll be right here.”

Indy blinked hard, and then she shook her head.

Grayson went to his knees beside her in an instant, ready to do whatever she needed.

“Stay.”

That was all he needed. He circled around the bed and climbed in behind her, coiling his arm around her torso and crushing her back against him, pressing her into him everywhere he could. He willed himself to shield her, from the pain and the reality of what had just happened. He pressed a kiss to her hair and closed his eyes and he held his girl until morning.

#some of yall bout to be real mad at me #oop #PLS LEMME KNOW WHAT YOU THINK :D #mixtape #grayson dolan #grayson dolan fanfiction #dolan twins #dolan twins fanfiction

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ladywinchester1967 · 5 years

Text

Double the Fun: Part 2

Title: Double the Fun, Part 2

Links: AO3 & WattPad

Square Filled: Mutual Masturbation

Rating: E for Explicit

Tags: Masturbation, poly-relationship, nosy aunts, SMUT, Jared Fluff, Jensen Fluff.

Created for: @spnkinkbingo

Part 1 HERE

After last night, I assumed it was a one time deal until the next day when Jared knocked on my bedroom door. When I opened it, he was running a hand through his hair and he looked nervous.

“Hey, what’s up?” I asked, immediately concerned.

“Do you have a second? We wanna talk to you.”

“We?” I asked as Jensen poked his head out from behind Jared’s shoulder. “Oh, sure.” I said and opened my door all the way. They both filed in, after seeing Jared’s worried expression and now looking a Jensen, who had the best poker face on the planet, my heart began to race. Were they going to say the night before was a mistake and that they never wanted to see me again?

Jensen took one look at me and asked “Are you okay?”

“Are you guys mad at me or something?” I asked as I sat on my bed.

Jared’s expression softened and he shook his head.

“No, not at all.” He said and sat beside me, taking one of my hands. “What makes you think that?”

“Just, your expressions and after last night.” I trailed off, it was hard for me to breathe.

“God sweetheart,” Jensen said “you look petrified.”

“We’re not here because of anything bad,” Jared told me “we wanted to talk about last night actually.”

Relief flooded my system and I found my lungs again. I watched as Jensen relaxed and leaned against the wall. Jared cleared his throat and squeezed my hand.

“It’s just that, well, Jensen and I had a long talk and he told me about you two.” He said “And I know you and I have our own thing going, kind of.”

“I like you,” I told him “as more than a friend, if last night wasn’t an indication.”

Jared smiled

“Yeah, I picked up on that.” He said “It’s just that with both him and I,” he paused trying to collect his words. He let out a breath and said “We both like you, and we both want you.”

“But,” Jensen interjected “we’re not trying to make you choose between us, just want that to be clear.”

I was initially confused

“So, we all like each other but you two don’t want me to choose between you?” I asked “What’re you guys saying then?”

“That if you want to, it’s completely up to you,” Jensen said “we,” he motioned between the two of them “want to be with you.”

“Both of you?” I asked “Like TOGETHER together?”

“Well,” Jensen said “not like that, but we both wanna be with you.”

Starting a relationship hadn’t been even on my radar, sure Jensen and I were friends with really, really good benefits; but I figured it would never go beyond that. And Jared? We’d always flirted and joked around, but I’d never considered that it would go beyond that either.

“You both want a relationship with me?” I asked, shocked. It felt like a dream, neither one of these unbelievably attractive, kind guys should be falling for a girl like me. I was ordinary, not even a quarter as attractive as I’d seen either of them date. I expressed this to them and they both cocked their heads to the side.

“You don’t think you’re attractive?” Jensen asked and I shook my head.

“You dated Jessica Simpson for crying out loud!” I exclaimed at him “And you?” I looked at Jared “You dated Alexis Blidel, I’m not even in the same ball park as those two! That’s like going from a Ferrari and a Porsche to a fucking Toyota Corolla!”

They both laughed and then Jared said

“That’s it right there,” and squeezed my hand “you make me laugh because you just act like yourself, all the time.”

“I think you’re a fucking knock out,” Jensen said “so I don’t know what you’re talking about.”

“So do I.” Jared added.

I stared at both of them and started to question their sanity.

“You’re sure?” I asked “You two want to be with me?”

They both nodded and Jensen said

“If you want to be with both of us that is. We couldn’t decide and we didn’t want to make you choose.”

I took a deep breath, I knew in my heart that this was more than any one girl could hope for. Two guys that I liked were into me the same way I was into them? This had to be some kind of a dream. Finally I realized, they both looked hopeful.

“I’ve never been with two guys at the same time.” I told them

“We’ve never shared a girl for more than a night or two,” Jared said “but we’ll figure it out.”

“Together.” Jensen added.

I looked from one to the other and in my heart of hearts, this felt right.

“Okay.” I said “I want to.”

We decided to celebrate by going out to a local micro brewery that also served food. After trying some of the local ale and eating some burgers, we took a walk around the quaint little town close to my cabin. It felt like the guys took turns showing me affection, one of them would usually be holding my hand or having an arm around my shoulder while we walked. When we didn’t find anything we couldn’t live without, we headed back to the cabin. That night we all slept in the same bed, with me in the middle. Jensen spooned me while Jared held my hand.

The following weeks went on like this, it felt like nothing had changed between me and the boys except now I was sleeping with both of them instead of fantasizing about it. When we took our mid-season break in February, I decided to go home and visit my parents. I was the youngest of four kids and had moved the furthest away. Living in Vancouver, it was easy to stay busy since a lot of shows and movies filmed there. Since I’d gotten my gig on Supernatural though, I didn’t have to bounce from set to set. Getting back home to Florida was a nice change from the rainy conditions of Canada.

On my first night back, my parents invited some of our other family members over and grilled out in celebration of me coming home. It was nice to catch up with everyone but, of course, my nosy aunt Tina had to ask if I had a boyfriend.

“God damn it.” I thought, I wasn’t prepared to answer questions about my relationship status. I hadn’t even told my parents I was seeing anyone, let alone two guys at the same time. I cleared my throat and took a sip of my drink as Tina laughed.

“Uh oh,” She said “I think Lorelei has herself a fella.”

“No,” I denied “I do not.”

“I can tell by the look on you face,” Tina said “so who is it?”

“No one.” I said with finality in my voice. I knew if I gave Tina an inch, she’d take ten miles. Especially if I said I was dating either Jared or Jensen, I had a feeling she would blab to anyone that would listen.

“Come on Tina,” my Mom finally said “If she says she isn’t dating anyone, she isn’t.”

Tina’s eyes gleamed and I went to go help my Dad with the grill.

Later that night, I was on the phone with Jared. He laughed at Tina grilling me and I huffed.

“It’s not funny Jare,” I said “she’s a person that would never stop asking me questions or worse, go to the media because she thought she had some juicy gossip.”

“Oh,” Jared said “yeah, you’re right. That’s not funny.”

“Thank you for finally acknowledging that.” I said as I rolled my eyes.

“I’m sorry babe,” he said “I didn’t know it was like that.”

“It’s fine,” I insisted as I got comfortable in bed “what’re you doing?”

“Watching football,” He told me “what’re you doing?”

“Laying in bed,” I said as I propped the phone up so that I didn’t have to hold it any more. “I’m about to call Jensen and tell him good night.”

“He’s upstairs,” Jared said, he and Jensen not only worked together but they also lived together “but I will go ahead and tell you good night.”

“Night Jare Bear.” I told him and smiled.

I could hear him rolling his eyes, he hated the nickname but I called him that anyway.

“Night Lo, see you soon.” He said. After hanging up with Jared, I tapped Jensen’s name and waited as the phone rang. Jensen finally picked up and greeted me.

“Hey beautiful.” He said “What’re you doing?”

“Just got off the phone with Jared,” I said “I wanted to call you and tell you good night.”

“You’re so sweet.” He said as I heard some rustling around.

“What’re you doing?” I asked him.

“Trying to decide if I’m gonna watch the game with Jared or go to bed.” he said as he yawned.

“Or,” I said “you can always stay on the phone with me.” He laughed and said

“Yeah, I could do that, why? You doing anything special?”

“I mean, I could.” I told him “Jared was busy with the game but I really, really,” I slowly took my shirt off “need some attention.”

“He’s gonna kill me.” Jensen insisted, sounding apprehensive.

“No he won’t, he said he’d call me after the game.” I said “I already checked since I don’t know how this multiple partner thing works.”

“Oh,” Jensen said “well, then I guess I’m staying up here with you.”

“You wanna get on FaceTime so you can see me?” I asked.

“Fuck yes.” He said “I’ll call you when I get in bed.”

He quickly hung up and I laughed as I waited. Once the request came through to FaceTime, I answered and saw that he was laying against his headboard. His eyes widened when he saw I was in my bra.

“Fuck,” he breathed as he took me in “what else are you wearing?”

“Just some panties,” I said, trying to sound as innocent as possible “wanna see?”

He nodded and I panned the camera down my body, showing off the pink and black boy shorts I was wearing.

“Oh fuck,” he said “I know those.”

He’d picked them out as a gag gift for my birthday, but he hadn’t been laughing when he saw me in them that night.

“Of course you do.” I said as I turned the camera back up to my face “What do you want me to do?”

“You remember that time when I was at JIBCon?” He asked “And you put on a little show for me?”

I did, vividly. We hadn’t been fooling around for very long and I was feeling bold that day.

“You want a repeat?” I asked and he eagerly nodded. “Okay.” I said and placed the phone on my bedside table. I got up on my knees and watched as his jaw dropped. “Like what you see handsome?” I asked him.

“That’s the fucking understatement of the year.” He said, his voice low.

I ran my hands up and down my body, and looked over and checked that my door was locked before I continued and, thankfully, it was. I ran my hands over my shoulders and pulled on my bra straps, letting them fall down.

“Should I take this off?” I asked, tugging at the strap “or should I do this?” I tugged the cups of my bra down, letting my nipples peek out from the fabric.

“Shit,” he moaned as he kept his eyes on me “play with your nipples sweetheart.”

“Like this?” I asked as I rolled them between my thumbs and forefingers, they instantly hardened under my touch.

“Fuck,” he said “yes, just like that, get a little closer so I can see you.”

I did as he asked, I tugged on my nipples and bit my lip to keep from crying out. Watching his reactions to me was even hotter than I remembered. I bit my lip as arousal pooled in my underwear and I let out a little gasp before I took off my bra, baring my chest to him. He groaned and shifted in his position.

“Baby,” he moaned “fuck, you gotta get rid of those.” He said.

“These right here?” I asked sweetly as I tugged at the waistband of my panties.

“Yes, take those off for me.”

I nodded and slowly peeled the silky fabric from my body was he hungrily watched me. Once it was gone, I smiled at him and asked

“You like this?”

“Yes,” He told me “fucking perfect.”

“What do you want babe?” I asked as I slid my hands up and down my body again. He groaned and said

“Show me how wet you are baby girl.”

I nodded and slipped my hand in between my legs, surprising even myself by how aroused I was.

“Mh, fuck.” I said as my arousal gathered on my fingers. I held them up so he could see and his eyes widened in surprise.

“Oh baby, you ARE wet for me, aren’t you?”

“Yes I am,” I told him “what should I do about it?”

“Play with yourself sweetheart,” he said “I wanna see you come for me.”

“Babe, you gotta talk to me,” I begged him “I need you.”

“What do you need sweetheart?” He asked “my hands all over you, touching every inch of your beautiful body?”

“Yes, please.” I told him as I closed my eyes and followed the path I knew he would’ve taken. Down my inner thighs, over the tops of my thighs, over my hips and stomach up to my breasts where I squeezed them in my hands.

“Mh, just like that baby girl,” he said “oh fuck, you’re doing such a good job.”

“Like this?” I asked as I squeezed my breasts again, letting myself moan.

“Yes, just like that.” He said “two fingers inside you sweetheart, just like I do.”

“Mh, I want your fingers inside me,” I moaned “fucking me so good.” I watched as he put his phone aside and took his length in his hand. Through the cotton cage, I could tell he was beyond ready for me. “You want me to talk to you babe?”

“Fuck, yes, please.” He begged as he slid his underwear down, his erection long and proud against his belly as he took his length in his hand.

“Pretend that’s my mouth on you,” I murmured to him as I pushed two fingers inside myself “sucking you good and hard.”

“That’s it,” he said and jerked himself a little harder “talk some more baby.”

“You want me to play with myself while I suck you off?” I asked “Want your cock in my mouth while I play with my little pussy?”

“Yes,” he breathed as he closed his eyes “Yes I want that, fuck I want you.”

“Want you too,” I moaned as I pumped my fingers inside me “oh babe I want you so bad.”

“You close baby?” He asked.

“Talk some more handsome,” I told him “tell me what you wanna do to me.”

“Wanna suck those nipples into my mouth,” he said as his hand moved faster “make those noises I like come out of your mouth.”

I sighed and moaned as my hand picked up the pace.

“Babe, babe,” I moaned “fuck Jensen I want you so bad!”

“Come on sweetheart,” he said “play with that pretty pussy til you come.”

My arousal swelled in my belly, the knot of pleasure becoming too much for me to hold on to. I hooked my fingers just like he would and made the “come here” motion against the rough patch inside me. I bit my lip, trying not to cry out loudly as I shuttered and came hard on my fingers. I watched as Jensen reached his completion, thick ropes of cum spurting onto his belly as he moaned my name.

“Fuck baby,” he sighed “that was hot.”

I tugged my t-shirt and panties back on, picked the phone up and I made my way to the bathroom.

“I can’t wait to come and see you guys,” I told him “I miss you.”

“How many more days?” He asked as he got up, making his way back to his bathroom.

“Two,” I told him “then I’m in Texas with you two.”

Jensen nodded as we both got cleaned up and then said our good nights.

A few hours later, I was awakened by my phone going off. I blinked and realized it was Jared calling me.

“Hello?” I answered sleepily.

“Hey, I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to wake you.” He said sweetly.

“It’s okay,” I told him with a yawn “how was the game?”

“Texas won,” he told me “just call me in the morning.”

“No,” I insisted as I fought sleep “I wanna talk to you.”

He tutted at me and then said “It’s okay,” in a gentle tone “I’ll talk to you tomorrow.”

“Okay,” I said “sweet dreams Jare Bear.”

I heard him chuckle as he said

“Sweet dreams to you too.”

The next day, I still felt bad that I hadn’t done as promised with Jared. I waited until I knew he’d be awake to call him and apologize.

“It’s no big deal,” he said with a yawn “I wasn’t really in the mood anyway.”

“You’re sure?” I asked.

“One hundred percent positive.” He said.

I breathed a sigh of relief as the weighted pit in my stomach finally disappeared.

“I’m so glad I’m the only high strung one in this relationship.” I told him and he laughed into the phone.

That afternoon, my Mom and I had lunch, just the two of us at a local burger joint we both loved and she cleared her throat.

“So, I noticed how you acted with Tina yesterday.” She said. I opened my mouth to defend myself and she held up a hand “I know you don’t want to say anything to her because of,” Mom paused and seemed to mull over her words before she said them “how she can be.” She finally said and then added “I just want to know if you’re happy.”

“Mom, I am,” I insisted “it’s just new and kind of complicated and I don’t want a lot of people knowing because you know how people can be.”

“But I’m not people,” she reminded me “I’m your mother. Tina I get, but who else can you trust besides me?”

Mom had nothing but sincerity and concern radiating from her eyes, instantly crumbling any resolve I had not to tell anyone.

“This is gonna sound strange but, this is what’s going on. The truth okay?” Mom nodded and I went on, taking a deep breath “I’m in a relationship with more than one guy.”

“Do they know?” Mom asked.

“Yes, they know.” I told her “It was their idea if you really want to know. They like me and I like both of them so I’m with both of them.”

Mom took a second to wrap her head around this.

“So you have two boyfriends?” She asked

“Yes.” I answered

“And they’re both aware and okay with it?” She asked and I nodded.

“I know it’s a lot to process but you asked remember?” I reminded her “I know it isn’t conventional or right but I know what’s in my heart.”

“What makes you think it isn’t right?” Mom asked.

“Because one of them I was my fuck buddy before we decided to get together. I don’t want the second guy to feel jealous and I’m worried that’s what’s going to happen and ruin everything.”

Mom took a sip of her drink and thought before answering me.

“Does the second guy know?” She asked “About your relations with the first guy?”

“Yeah he knows.” I said.

She thought this over before going on

“I can understand a little jealously,” she told me “because you and Guy 1 had a thing going before hand, that’s like coming into the middle of the movie and realizing you missed a lot in the beginning.”

“What should I do?” I asked

Mom shrugged

“I’m not sure,” she told me “but you’re happy right?”

“Yes,” I said with a smile “very happy.”

“Then the only thing I can tell you to do is listen to your heart.” she told me.

The next day, I was on a plane to Austin, beyond ready to see Jared and Jensen. While catching up with my family had been great, I missed my men folk. When I got off the plane, Jared was there to collect me from the airport.

“Where’s Jay?” I asked as he climbed into Jared’s truck.

“He met his family to eat, he’ll be back a little later.” Jared said as he palm settled on the inside of my thigh.

“Did you kiss me or something?” I asked as I placed my hand over his.

“Or something.” He said and squeezed my thigh.

When we arrived at Jared and Jensen’s house, Jared pulled his truck into the garage and we climbed out. Once we were inside, he pitched my bag to the side, picked me up and threw me over his shoulder. I laughed and playfully smacked his behind.

“JARED TRISTIAN!” I yelled as he carried me through the kitchen and up the stairs, my face turning red with laughter and the fact that the blood was rushing to my face. Once we reached the top of the stairs, Jared carried me to his room and kicked the door shut behind him. He placed my back against the door and the heatedly kissed me.

“That’s what I was waiting for,” he said when he broke our kiss “to get you alone so I could kiss you all I want.”

“Mh,” I said “I like the sound of that.”

“I’ve never shared a girlfriend before,” he told me “but I heard you and Jensen the other night.”

There it was, the thing I knew would come back to haunt me.

“I’m sorry,” I told him “I wasn’t trying to make you jealous.”

He squeezed my hands and said

“I know, I’m not, I promise.” He smiled down at me and went on “I just wanted some time alone with you is all.”

“I was hoping we could do that,” I told him “I know Jensen and I had our thing before, but our relationship is so new and I don’t want to make you feel left out or anything.”

“I don’t,” He said “yeah, we share you, but at the same time, my relationship with you is separate from his relationship with you.”

I nodded and we kissed again, his tongue tracing over mine. He quickly unbuttoned my jeans and snaked his hand inside and then into my panties. I quickly slid out of my jeans, his fingers still in my panties as he slid one finger through my soaking folds.

“Fuck, you’re getting worked up already.” He said as we kissed. I nodded and unbuttoned his jeans, slipping my hand into his pants and palming him through his underwear, his half hardened cock sprang to life under my touch.

“You gonna put on a little show for me too?” He asked as we kissed and I nodded.

“You wanna touch me?” I asked “Or you want me to play with myself?”

He shook his head and heatedly kissed me.

“Just talk to me sweet girl,” he said, his voice full of lust “what’re you thinking?”

“I want two fingers,” I complained “I want more, please Jared.”

“You gotta earn another finger.” He said “Tell me how you’re gonna earn it.”

“Mh,” I moaned into the kiss, I pulled my hand out and licked my palm, then plunged it back into his pants “you want me to suck you off while you play with me?” I asked.

“Fuck,” he moaned “yes, I want that.”

“You want me to take you deep in my mouth?” I asked as I jerked him a little faster “Let you fuck my throat?”

“Yes,” he whined “gonna fuck that pretty throat raw.”

“You wanna come in my throat huh?” I asked as I picked up the pace with my hand “Or you wanna fill up my sweet pussy with your cum?”

“Oh fuck me,” he moaned, his finger increasing its speed “that’s it, right there.”

“Yeah you’d like that,” I said “filling up my pretty, little pussy with your cum?”

He pressed a heated kiss on to my lips as I cried out against his mouth.

“Bed, now.” He commanded as he pulled his hand out of my underwear.

I giggled as I turned and he swatted my behind. I jumped and he laughed as I scurried into his bed. He kicked off his shoes and got into bed, crawling on top of me and kissing me. His beard scratched my mouth as I wrapped my arms and legs around him, pulling him close. I felt his hands roll down my body and pull my panties off of me. He kissed down my neck and over my shoulders, taking his time sucking my nipples until I was a writhing mess under him.

“Jared,” I breathed “fuck that feel so good.”

I felt him grin against my skin as he kissed my belly and my hip bones. “Jare, please Jare.” I begged him, my nerves pounding with anticipation. I felt him grin again as his tongue traced little patterns along my hips, his fingers parting my lower lips.

“Fuck,” he moaned “you’re so fucking wet baby.”

“Want you,” I moaned as I writhed against him “I want you so bad!”

He dipped his head down, his tongue lapping against my soaking core.

“Like that?” He asked and then pushed his tongue inside me, turning it in a circle as his fingers followed the same pattern. I could feel myself drenching him as my hips rolled with his tongue. My hands found their way through his silky hair, my fingers tangled in the chestnut locks as he devoured me, his tongue and fingers working in sync. I tried to move my hips faster, trying to get him to speed up his languid pace but he squeezed my hip with his free hand.

“Behave,” He said and looked up “or I’ll tie you to the bed.”

I bit my lip and said

“Don’t threaten me with a good time.”

He grinned and kissed my inner thigh, sucking a purple mark into my skin, I moaned as I watched him do this. His mouth and hand went back to work, bringing me up higher and higher as I held tight to his hair, moaning and crying out his name as he buried his face into me. I arched my back and threw my head back as waves of passion crashed over me and I let go, gushing into his mouth as he worked me through my release and a cold sweat broke out on my skin. He kissed back up my body and to my lips where he moaned against my kiss.

“You taste,” He said as he kissed me “fucking amazing.”

I kissed him hard as I pushed his pants and underwear down, taking his long length in my hand.

“I want you,” I murmured against his mouth “now.”

“So impatient,” he said with a smile as he pulled his pants and underwear off “you’ll get it baby.”

He immediately slid home inside me, both of us moaning loudly. He gave me a few seconds to adjust to his size as our fingers tangled together. He pinned them by my head and I threw my leg up on to his shoulder, pulling him deeper into me. We kissed hard as his hips started to move, our skin slapping together as we moved. I mewled as he picked up the pace, slamming into me.

“Fuck, fuck, oh fuck!” he said, his head lowering to my chest as he sucked on my nipple.

I cried out his name over and over as we moved together, our languid pace worked into a frenzied one.

“Baby, oh baby.” he cried as he moaned against my skin.

“Jared, fuck, Jared!” I yelled as my back arched again and I could feel the knot in my belly threatening to snap. Jared moaned into my neck as his hips became erratic and he slammed deep into me with a primal groan and let go, clutching me tightly to him as I let go, exploding around him.

I didn’t remember falling asleep, the only indication that I had was a hand brushing my hair off my forehead.

“Lo? You awake sweetie?” I heard Jensen’s voice ask. I slowly opened my eyes and found him laying next to me with a smile on his face. “There’s my girl.” He said and gently kissed my forehead.

“When did you get back?” I asked sleepily.

“A few minutes ago,” he said and pulled me into his chest “Jared said you were up here and I wanted to check on you.”

“How’s your family?” I asked as he laid on his back.

“They’re good, yours?” He asked, his arms holding me tightly.

“I told my mom,” I admitted to him “about you, me and Jared.”

“What’d she say?” He asked.

I sighed and said

“She told me to follow my heart,” I told him “as Moms do.”

He chuckled and kissed my forehead.

“Yeah, moms are good like that.” He said as he settled beside me. I laid my head on his chest, our fingers tangling together.

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

It’s BAAAAAAACK!!!!!! This story line just won’t leave me alone, but I’m not complaining! Hope you guys enjoyed this and its first part; I have a few more parts planned for you guys. As always, I appreciate your feedback more than you know! Please like and share with your friends, smash that “follow” button if this is your first time here you wanna see more content from me. All my tag lists and boxes are open so if you wanna drop me a line, go ahead and do it!

The Squad:

@waywardbaby @waywardnerd67 @familybusinesswritingbro @ain-t-bovvered @mrswhozeewhatsis @unholyqu33n @dacleverfox @emoryhemsworth @bobasheebaby @deanscarlett @myinconnelly1 @mogaruke @imma-winchester-addict @purpleskiesandcherrypies @dean-winchesters-bacon @animerose96 @coffee-n-fanfiction @drakelover78 @curly-haired-disaster @roonyxx @snffbeebee @ezilyamuzed @mirandaaustin93 @srsllydunnodoncare @latetothewinchesterparty @emilyshurley @atc74 @midnightsilverafterdark @adoptdontshoppets @biawol @supernatural-teamfreewillpage @spaceystacey123 @bella-ca @clo-heda @closetspngirl @thekatherinewinchester @maddiepants @idreamofplaid @love-those-boys-in-flannel @flamencodiva @blueberrykushlovexoxo-blog

Dean/ Jensen:

@spnbaby-67 @akshi8278

#lady winchester writes #spnkinkbingo #single!jensen #single!jared #Jensen Ackles #jared padalecki #jensen ackles smut #jared padalecki smut #supernatural #Supernatural smut

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