#a hole no one will ever fill

[starjunkyard]

"Im not even sure anymore if we get to choose who our friends are" There is a part of me that resents you for making me a worse person than i want to be but i am inexplicably uncontrollably drawn to you. You make me a worse person which is the last thing i want yet i want you in every way. If i could leave i would. Maybe i can but i dont want to. I have fun with you. You challenge me and you captivate me and you push me and pull and run circles around me and it makes me feel like a younger man. For the price of being a worse person i get to feel truly, wholly alive. You are the blood that runs through my veins; vital, inseparable. I was reborn when i met you and you are the womb that haunts me. You are the one person on planet earth who knows me. I wish i could leave, move on and be the man im supposed to be but my heart is tied to yours in a gordian knot. There is a part of my soul that rests in yours, magnetic. For as long as i love you i cannot be better than i am. But maybe thats something i can learn to live with. Gregory House-- I think you're worth it.

#house md #james wilson #gregory house #hilson #johan being crazy about yaoi md #johan's mindpalace #Im crazy #like im tearing up #this scene is so romantic it genuinely makes me nauseous #the lowlight setting the lingering stares the soft little smile a dam thats finally broken #I need a 12 gauge bullet in the thigh #Please watch this scene screencaps do not do it near enough justice #do you know whats so genuinely actually sickening #its been months since i finished house md #and i have not watched a single show that has managed to fill even a quarter of the gaping bleeding hilson shaped hole in my heart #shows that have actual gay people actual representation and not a single one has managed to alter my brain chemistry the way hilson has #since day 1 episode 1 #Like its actually nauseating a little its so over for me for the rest of my life #Like im actually never recovering #people say “they dont make xyz like they used to haha” But Guys they Genuinely dont #Im going through withdrawls #I need my yaoi cocaine so bad but my plug died 12 years ago and i cant fucking Move #House md capital of fatphobia homophobia transphobia early 2000s edgy humour outshining modern shows with actual rep like im sick #Its not even because i want to like i feel like there are worms in my brain. I feel like ratatoullie if the rat was evil #This is not what the stonewall riots were for #I feel like so nausous why couldnt i be crazy about an actual gay pairing like a normal gay person. Im gonna throwup #Why couldnt i like music and girls #Its not even that house md is objectively logically better than these shows like no. Im just crazy #Im so sick they make me so sick i feel like there are worms in my head. My head #Dont know when i will ever be onorlmal again. Sorr

[vocaloid-tunes]

From a Miniature Garden Where the Dragon Howls ~Orchestral Arrange~ | Shin-P feat. Kamui Gakupo // Original | YowaneP feat. Hatsune Miku

#kamui gakupo #shinp #yowanep #vocaloid #arrange #cover #request #2008 #this is the last one.......... FOR NOW........ #there is one (1) more version of this song that is album exclusive that is yet to resurface #if i ever find it in the future its OVER for you bitches!!! /lh #anyways sorry for inflicting so much of this song on you at once i just like. fell down a huge rabbit hole while filling this persons #request. and honestly at this point i cant tell if they were trying to request this gakupo ver or the official one #but here they all are. #bone app the teeth

[w1tchybusiness]

i could write a 100 page essay about what a fucking masterpiece warframe is. i will write many words in the tags. please readem if you want my 'tism.

#ive been playing on and off since 2019 but its only recently when i dumped destiny 2 (probably for good) and picked it up #to fill the grind-shaped hole in my heart #that i have uncovered just how FUCKING INCREDIBLE warframe is #everything about it makes me incredibly autistic #from its masterful utilization of an incredibly styled and individual soundtrack full of absolute bangers #to its seemingly unique understanding of how and why an MMO is special to and because of its players #and its truly special story- a uniquely human take on the “post-ruin scifi” tale #it knows exactly how and when to yank on your heart to make you weep like a baby #and it knows exactly when you're going to get angry and want vengeance #and it knows when to let you let loose and unleash hell #SPOILERS FOR THE NEW WAR AHEAD #IF YOU THINK YOU COULD PLAY THE GAME PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE DO #SPOILER WARNING #i think the narmer corruption of fortuna was genuinely one of the most gutpunchingly horrible moments ive ever experienced in a video game #i started playing when fortuna was already in the game but the story of fortuna and vox solaris was really what made warframe stand out 2 m #i would drop into the orb vallis as gauss and dash around doing bounties and fishing and mining because i really loved everything about #fortuna and wanted to spend as much time there as possible #for me vox solaris was my proudest achievement (in warframe.) to say “i helped that! i did that!” was an incredibly good feeling #the story really spoke to me on a deeper level #and vox solaris has always been my favorite faction as a result #so to do absolutely everything that i could #to lift together with my tenno brothers and sisters and yet STILL fail? #and to have it rubbed in my face by the corruption of the greatest shining pillar of hope in the warframe universe? #felt like i got kicked in the stomach #i felt sad and angry. but most of all i was DRIVEN. #which is GOOD. because RARELY does a video game present you the “you lost” scenario and have it feel not only satisfyingly painful #but MOTIVATING. #my only complaint with the new war is that i didnt get to hack ballas to pieces by myself #i had real flashbacks to running around helping people as gauss while approaching the final boss with erra #and to step onto the ballas arena as gauss prime. i nearly came from the narrative significance

[clerichs-xi]

tender as a bruise, sharper than a razor wrap her tentacles around me like she'll never let me go

klaus' backstory arc just ended heho and it was revealed he used to be the lover of the goddess of storms and pirates... she had basically kidnapped him and imprisoned him into murder and piracy for 20 years and needless to say it greatly damaged him on every level <3 its okay he's been able to be normal for once since the start of the campaign thanks to the party aka his new found family

get urself a surrogate middle-aged father who can speedrun a forbidden romance in one minute and then immediately go to confront the darkest version/a corrupted version of himself, as well as his toxic lover as she tortures him -w-)b

details and just the lines hehe

#clerichs.png #my artwork #original character #original art #original illustration #digital art #digital painting #digital illustration #dnd character #oc #oc illustration #im so unnormal about him. #he got hurt soo badly in isolation... thats where all the scars in his ref came from </3 #this portrait is of the one scar his goddess did not give him.... </3 #tfw ur jealous sea goddess lover pits you against other pirates and sea monsters to fight for ur life and test ur devotion #and she promised to love you wholly only for u to realize she doesn't understand or know what love is #and only wanted it bc everyone else who had love seemed so happy and she wanted that too #so after she destroyed everything you loved (literally your entire world) she merely treats u as a possession for 20 years #and you don't know how to ask for love because you don't know how to love either so you resent her and everything and everyone #leading rage to build up within you and you willfully slaughtering so many things because you cant handle your emotions and pain #and after deflating and sinking into apathy a rogue priest manages to break ur exterior and touch you deeply enough to let you love again #and because of him you're able to begin breaking free of everything and you lose everything again but this time #this time you wake up in a crate of fish to outstretched hands and people who love you as family even after learning who you are/were #filling you with strength and willpower even as your goddess lover comes back swearing she loved you and loves you still #and she tortures you and threatens to take everything away again if you don't come back to her but because of your love for everyone #and their love for you youre able to hold fast long enough for them to break you out #his goddess made a copy of him by warping the body and soul of a naive young man in an attempt to replace him and fill the hole in her hear #he had to literally kill the darkest version of himself that hurt everyone and he laid him to rest... catharsis if ive ever seen it #as i said. im so normal about him <3 the guy i project onto the most ever #klaus lierstark

[kenzie-ann27]

meanwhile my experience with being asexual is just like. constant self hatred and apologizing about it

#it's just. idk it's ace week and no one is talking about it #and i go in the tags and it's just. ace culture is basically all memes #and it's fine but like. i enjoy having serious conversations about it #i never get to talk about it because it's such a non thing #ace culture is like it's filling the hole that comes from not having a sexuality with jokes about bread and cake and dragons for some reason #but like. i want to talk about how sad and lonely it is a lot of the time. but it's a thing where it feels so self imposed #like of course no one wants to be romantic with me in any sense when i am so awkward from past trauma #combined with the fact that i will never be able to give them what they actually are aiming for #like. high school was fucking miserable. #i mean i'm already crying so why not make it worse here #it's just. i feel like i am missing out on so much and i hate that i am made to feel like this #and no one fucking takes me seriously when i try to talk about it #it's a big part of who i am and it's always a shadow because it just doesn't matter #i just... i want people to see the beauty not in filling that void with other memey shit and just. acknowledge the void #internally and externally and in every way possible being asexual is so crushingly lonely and no one ever talks about it #we're not in ba sing se we can talk about it please #and now i will apologize #and i will lay down because i have a headache and i need to calm down

[musical-chick-13]

.

#will probably delete this later but I needed to get it out somewhere #like I am so goddamn lonely. and it is making me feel LITERALLY as if I'm about to descend into genuine madness #but the PROBLEM is that. in order to not be lonely. you need to find other people. and you need to have reason to believe that those #people will keep wanting and making an effort to communicate with you #and the thing is THE THING. IS. that you cannot control what people do or feel. I have no say in what people think of me. #I have to rely on other people to build new relationships. and that is just not. something that I can do. #it's not something that makes SENSE for me to do anymore. so I try to figure out how to just not want human connection at all #you know maybe if I intentionally isolate myself or grow my cynicism on a regular basis I'll get desensitized to the point #where that's just genuinely not something I want anymore. so then I'm not lonely but I also didn't have to rely on anyone else being #trustworthy and accepting and willing to care about me to get to that point #but. I mean maybe some people can do the denial thing but I can't. I've been trying for years. and that carved-out-hole in my chest #hasn't gotten any better. it hasn't filled up or healed over or gone away. it's just gotten bigger. #but if you're genuinely convinced that you're just built in a way where no one is ever going to really love you...what the fuck do you do? #if connecting with other people is something I want but it's (in my probably-biased estimation) completely inaccessible because I am #an inherently shameful and unpleasant person just by virtue of existing...then I'm just stuck at an impasse. and I'll always be crying #over something I can't logically ever have. why bother pursuing it if I am just going to be rejected or hurt or disparaged or tossed out or #neglected or sidelined or any number of bad outcomes? if that's how pursuing any kind of new interpersonal relationships is going to end #then why bother? the only thing to do would be to learn how to be completely unreliant on other people in any way forever right? #but THAT'S not logistically feasible EITHER and I've already proven that I can't fucking do that so what's left? just always be miserable? #I DON'T WANT TO RESIGN MYSELF TO THAT!!!! #sorry. it's. getting to be late december & around the new year is when it always gets Bad™ so we're just. gonna be like this for a few week #In the Vents #ugh all of this would be better if I still lived near Best Friend™ #anyone who gets to live near/with their Person™ PLEASE know how lucky you are and don't take that for granted

[sugar-konpeito]

kogoro is one of my favorite characters, but i never post about him because i never have thoughts about him. i just like him

#i do have a conspiracy theory about how he was raised but i don't know if his parents ever get talked about #i think that guy was abused basically.. #i also think he's brilliant but his unhealthy coping mechanisms hold him back #i'm not sure how he could clean up his act though because japan's mental health resources seem so bad..😭 #kogoro mouri #dcmk #he's so good at researching; like conan makes fun of him for making little cheat sheets and not just remembering stuff but NOT EVERYBODY #HAS ENCYCLOPEDIC MEMORY LIKE YOU LITTLE DUDE #research was harder in the 90s and he puts a lot of work into compiling reliable info on pretty obscure/specific topics #he's also fantastic at poking holes in other detectives' theories #he makes certain their reasoning is air tight by making them find evidence to support nearly every claim they make #it may or may not be on purpose but it ends up helpful either way #it can seem like he's getting in the way but finding flaws in the reasoning is so important #he does have a tendency to look at things from a psychological perspective (instead of a physical evidence one) and can fill in conan's #blind spots #he also reminds me of my mom because he's a P.I. and a natural marksman :>

[lemonaddi]

Something dumb I made while bored a few nights ago.

He says Caroline’s name wrong but I rushed to make it. I also didn’t go back to check how he talks. Did it purely from memory from when I played Portal 2 again a few weeks ago.

Used uberduck’s Cave Johnson tts for this. <3

#lemon rambles #queue have got to be kidding me #portal #portal 2 #cave johnson #portal caroline #mentioned at least #this obviously extends to GLaDOS also #that is one nb lesbian if I ever saw one #I love her sm lmao #If someone did this before (which they more than likely have considering how old the games are) don’t mind me #I have the memory retention of a bucket filled with holes istg

[onewakingworld]

I love how gaming lets you live out crazy fantasies like keeping a houseplant alive for longer than 3 seconds

#i love plants so much but i have such a black thumb i've killed every one i've ever had #so i'm just making my stardew valley farmhouse look like a jungle to fill the hole in my soul

[fluffypotatey]

Someone PLEASE explain how every freaking Druid and their familiar can recognise Merlin as Emrys, but not one, not two, but T H R E E High Priestesses of the Old Religion are like, "and who's this chucklefuck?"

short answer: hubris

long answer:

okay, imagine you're this badass powerful mage who's been given the title of Priestess of Avalon. you're hot shit and you know you're hot shit. you're the equivalent of magic royalty, so for the concept of Emrys (big, powerful, wizard said to hold ancient magic or is magic itself) to be this scrawny, lowly servant of Camelot would not cross their minds.

how come they never sense his magic???? idk anon that part escapes me

maybe they just went "oh what great power! can't be coming from this guy"

#'who's this chucklefuck' I'M SCREAMING #tbh morgana not recognizing merlin as emrys makes more sense than nimueh and morgause #she's lived with merlin in the castle for a couple years before 'falling to evil' and declaring camelot as her enemy #so whenever she finds merlin his signature/aura/whatever sixth sense thing she has would only recognize it as merlin and not emrys #i feel like nimueh realized too late (as in when he confronted her in the questing beast episode and she got hit w/ a blast of lightning) #morgause....idk if she ever did know #although one could argue she almost did but idk #one easy way to chalk up why none of the priestesses knew was would be merlin using a glamor or something to hide his magic signature #but then...how come other druids could still detect it??? #is there some emrys magic learning class the druids had???? #such a simple question but it brings an answer filled with holes :( #bbc merlin #merlin emrys #in conclusion: i'm sorry anon i am unable to provide a precise answer to your question but i hope it helped #i enjoyed trying to figure it out tho #asks #Anonymous

[chewablepebbles]

I've literally been going to at least one funeral of someone close to me every year since 2016 this is unsustainable! Do I make friends so quickly because I fear they'll leave so soon? I have like five hundred pounds of stuff from people that died and I can't get rid of it because I can't get new stuff with them. I'm so tired of being used to grief. When do I get to grieve for myself!

#i feel like im still waiting to bury the old body i had but the holes i dig keep getting filled with other people #can i not have a year without mourning #or at least a year where the only one i mourn is myself? #ive had to stop taking time off for it because id never get back #the funeral is saturday and im literally leaving a party before it and going back afterwards #im so tired! #its been a year since i finished therapy and it feels like forever and yesterday #who knew this was going to keep happening! #i cant go back because my therapist left when i did #im not even sure that its therapy i need and not just the ear of someone who isnt in grief #every year theres some horrific thing that only ever happens to other people but its my other people #and i leave and i cook and clean and get bloodstains out of the bag of clothing the hospital sends back #god i guess this is where all these weeks went. into here. #this sucks #the only thing i was able to make was a painting of the vulture that i brought in to the clinic #and im supposed to be doing an oil portrait for the funeral #i already gave them my easels and frames to display the pictures #tomorrow im spending all day making his favorite cookies before i leave for the party friday #im so sick of being the one to handle it #all of ny grieving is on a two month delay so everyone else has someone they can rely on #its not fair #im not supposed to lose this many people already

[codeshot]

tag drop !!

#⚔️ ◜ visuals. ◞ —— walk the line between alive & living . #⚔️ ◜ crack. ◞ —— ignis look it’s the good kush . #⚔️ ◜ noctis. ◞ —— i loved & i loved & i lost you . #⚔️ ◜ ignis. ◞ —— no one ever said it’d be this hard . #⚔️ ◜ gladio. ◞ —— be my mirror my sword & shield . #⚔️ ◜ lunafreya. ◞ —— a beacon of light & love . #⚔️ ◜ study. ◞ —— the kids aren’t alright . #⚔️ ◜ musings. ◞ —— a hole inside you that cannot be filled . #⚔️ ◜ headcanon. ◞ —— i feel like a photo that’s been overexposed . #⚔️ ◜ answered. ◞ —— & in the end i’d do it all again . #⚔️ ◜ arc i. ◞ —— just as long as you stand by me . #⚔️ ◜ arc ii. ◞ —— past the light of a new dawn . #⚔️ ◜ desires. ◞ —— you were my versailles at night . #⚔️ ◜ ooc. ◞ —— mothers & fuckers of the jury . #⚔️ ◜ aesthetic. ◞ —— the streetlights light light up to take me home . #⚔️ ◜ promo. ◞ —— i think you’re my best friend . #⚔️ ◜ music. ◞ —— like my favorite records used to . #⚔️ ◜ wardrobe. ◞ —— i’ll stop wearing black when they make a darker color . #⚔️ ◜ saved. ◞ —— i’ll hold this memory & i swear i won’t forget your face .

[leviiackrman]

I had a feeling h*cus p*cus 2 would be shite and I was right

#personal* #jess talks #listen if you like the first one pls avoid the sequel #it’s literally SO BAD #not even funny/piss take worthy bad #it’s just BAD #too many plot holes to list #obnoxious characters and terrible representation of the main sisters #like their character traits were just scrapped #minor spoilers: but the 3 most evil witches ever can’t have a happy/sentimental/sappy ending #like tf?? and having the main character have powers too so she can defeat them?? fuckin cowards. #the kids in the first one were able to stop them with no magic #it had so much potential and some good ideas but poorly written and executed #also vfx were FUCKING AWFUL like you can tell d*sent just wants to fill their pockets more rather than spend #cus the budget was like £10 max #overal: 4/10 because the opening flashback scene was decent

[ongreenergrasses]

living for two years in a world without him is entirely unremarkable and at the same time, the absolute worst shit ever

#he was here! he loved music and his siblings and his friends and road trips and good food and me! and the hole he left behind won’t ever be #filled by anyone! and that’s absolutely fucking devastating! #one of my biggest cheerleaders my biggest supports. and he was (is) so proud of me and it sucks. it’s painful #also it’s been almost two years and i haven’t actually really cried about it or yknow. dealt with it in any conceivable way because it was #just too much. it’s been too much. so this is shaping up to be a very fun week #.txt

[thegreatyin]

valefar is so incredibly fun to write because he's snarky and elegant and Ludicrously Professional At All Times and roasts like the best of them but also he absolutely laughs like a deadpan supervillain and is the cuddly little spoon for his husband and purrs nonsense when he's sleepy and absolutely absolutely has some sort of extreme debilitating undiagnosed anxiety disorder

#yin-thoughts #above #valefar one minute is like. #My sincerest apologies for your terminal case of insubordination. I heavily advise you to see a doctor and fill the holes in your brain. #Clearly based on your behavior thus far you are the most esteemed graduate from your year at clown school. #and then the next minute he's like. Oh no! I mildly inconvenienced my husband!!! I made a mistake!!!! #I must clearly run into the woods forever. I can no longer be trusted with anything ever in my life. I am the worst duke ever. #My husband deserves better than me and I am a failure and I am unworthy of existence. #it's great. he's great. never change king 👑

[bledyn]

I am a simple person: I watched Taika Waititi saying honey, honey, shhh, I slowly opened ao3, and I am currently reading all the works under the AntwanxKeys tag. And there is gold out there, o my gods, what am I reading, I can't stop-

#antwan x keys #i have a problem and its called ao3 #free guy #I stumbled upon the kept keys universe #I can't get out #I don't really want to be saved here #just bring me food and keep me company #I'll come up one day #i swear #ao3 #ao3 is a blessing #and a curse #but I embrace my destiny #I dug a hole in the server and filled it with blankets and pillows #and I won't ever go back to the real world