#This also isn’t even touching on the weight over Cal’s head for like most of the story that is | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

ciderjacks · 2 months

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please tell me about cal, love that little bastard

oHHHHHHOHOHOOHHO YES. OK. I WILL. IVE BEEN WAITING 10 YEARSTO BE ASKED THIS VERY QUESTION.

so ok so. Uh heavy Heavy TW for like themes of suicide and mental illness and stuff ahead. I’m sorry I would avoid it but it is genuinely impossible to talk about this story without them, bc that’s literally the central theme of it. But. Okok.

Sso Cal is one of my fav characters ever, he was originally created as like, a tragic backstory for Kimu-

(Kimu is this guy)

-so like, literally created to die. And he’s always been sort of a sad character. I made him when I was like 11 and edgy so he was an emo childhood friend of Kimu’s who takes his life, sending Kimu on a downward spiral. Like that was the original story basically.

Then as time passed I started developing the story, added more character and Cal got to have a personality, but he still dies. More time passes and I start to really like Cal, and bc his death is like, the most important part of the story, he sort of becomes the “main character”. Then in like 2023 I decided I actually didn’t want him to die, partially because I felt bad and partially bc at the time I really didn’t like the idea of having a character like him ending that way. like. Thematically I just didn’t like it.

So now he’s alive, the meta narrative has decided that he should live. I change it up so he has a suicide attempt, but survives it and gets his shit together after bc he’s now realized he likes being alive even though it sucks sometimes.

There’s a lot of like, actually in narrative drama happening in this version of the story. He’s got a crappy home life, he’s got gender dysphoria, he’s in a weird love triangle with like three of his friends. Usual stuff. Up to this point it’s sort of been a sad version of a slice of life, like. Sort of similar to bojack horseman I’d say, if I was to compare it to anything. I like stories like that but tbh they’re sort of uninteresting to describe.

ANYWAY HERES WHERE THE TIME LOOP IS INTRODUCED.

so at some point I was thinking about how Cal was a doomed character for so long, then got like. a second chance to live. Bc I felt bad about killing him. And then because I love Groundhog Day more than any normal person should, I went “omg what if there was a time loop type thing. Or like a time reset. Or something. Like a single time loop.” And then I was like omg bc now there’s more to the story than just a straight linear narrative.

So now there’s two stories for the price of one. Cal’s first chance, and Cal’s second chance.

So first chance is way more similar to the earlier one I described, before he gets his fate changed. His life in his first chance sucks. He’s being treated badly at home, he’s being treated badly at school, he’s an asshole so all his friends sort of hate him, he’s ruined several peoples lives just sort of by existing in them. Terrible. A lot of the bad stuff that he goes through is also entirely his fault like he really really sucks here. He drives all his friends away besides Kimu, who is extremely patient and also Cal is his best friend.

Kimu is the one to confront Cal #1 (I’m just gonna call this Cal, Cal #1 now. So it’s easier to understand what I’m talking about bc time stuff is weird and confusing.) and Cal #1, worlds worst guy, just completely loses it on him. He pushes him into a shelf, which causes Kimu to actually get hurt, and Kimu is obviously shocked and angry, so he storms out and tells Cal they’re done. Cal #1, realizing he’s fucked up, is like “well I’ve hurt literally everyone in my life irreparably. Guess I’ll die.”

Ofc old pal Kimu, feeling off about the argument like an hour later, comes back to apologize. Unfortunately this is change #1, so it’s too late. Last thing Cal #1 processes is Kimu freaking tf out. He ends up dying at 19, like days before he turned 20.

So on that cheery ending, Cal wakes up. This time it’s Cal #2 though. He wakes up and realizes that he is a baby, he’s back at his old house, and he is a baby. The thing is though, he has all his memories from his first life. This makes him, first of all, and incredibly intelligent baby. (He still has baby brain though, not the brain of a 19 year old. That would be a whole different world of problems.) But second of all, he is REALLY REALLY weirded out and uncomfortable.

He freaks out for the first couple years of his new life, which is the exact same as his old life except now he has cheat codes. Then around the age of like, 5, he has the realization that he has cheat codes, and if he can map everything that went wrong in his first life, he might actually be able to change his outcomes. so he does that, he does that for awhile. At this point most of the external things are the same. He’s best friends with Alex, he becomes friends with Kimu via Alex, it’s all the same.

Kimu, Alex, and Cal in that order ^^^ (It’s also worth noting that while he overtime is able to address a lot of his shittiness as being shitty, and him being to blame for most of it. he can’t seem to see Kimu as a victim of his crappy behaviour. He even still sort of resents him for how things went, bc first life Kimu was sort of a dick too.)

so anyway things are normal the first like maybe 6 years after that too. He changes some of the big things that went wrong in his early life, he avoids some people he knows are bad news now, which also stops his mom from going criminal (long story. She’s a shit mom most of the time but she’s still protective, and will still do anything for her kid.) he thinks this might save her from dying, he actually does everything he can to prevent her death. It doesn’t. None of it works. She dies differently, this time of a sickness rather than suicide. She also dies later on in the story this time. We’ll come back to this.

anyways, it’s around this point Yami and Amelia get introduced. Amelia is Cal #1’s greatest sin, she’s the person he really fucked over, and it’s to the point where Cal #2 doesn’t even think he should talk to her. Yami is Amelia’s cousin and Kimu’s childhood best friend, though they had a falling out.

(Yami and Amelia. Yami is the husky, Amelia is the spaniel.)

In the first life, Yami also dies. Completely unrelated to Cal, like they barely even knew each other. Yami died because of a prank gone wrong, done by some bullies.

However this really started off Cal #1’s downward turn, because this incident totally fucked up both Kimu and Amelia, and Kimu being all fucked up is partially what drove Alex away. (The other part was Cal’s fault LOL). Kimu got really withdrawn and aggressive, wanting revenge for what happened. Amelia got weird and withdrawn, and starts focusing on getting into this prestigious arts college way harder than before, and Cal, who doesn’t fully understand grief or why people feel it, figures maybe it’s because her parents are awful and controlling (and like. Ok they are. But. They don’t gaf about her grades or studies. He just totally misread the situation.)

He’s also mad that she’s not hanging out with him, or doing the weird chaotic stuff that they used to do all the time. He tells her she just needs to unwind, and let go of the expectations put upon her. Amelia is reluctant at first, but then as she unwinds, she starts to get way more crazy than she ever was before bc of all the shit she’s been bottling up. They do some extremely dangerous shit, on what is basically a bender, and then he ends up crashing the car bc he wasn’t watching the road. They get arrested, she’s now disabled, her parents disown her, she loses her scholarship, and it’s all mostly his fault. He’s too emotionally stunted to even properly apologize.

(Illustration of about how he responded to all this)

She tells him she’ll kill him if she sees him again, and that’s the end of their relationship in the first life.

Back to the second life. Cal peer pressures Yami into letting him come to hang out with him and his bullies (the ones who ended up accidentally slashing him). Yami relents, but is really uncomfortable because he doesn’t know this guy. Flash forward a few hours, the bullies do the prank, but this time because Cal is there, Yami doesn’t die. This incident leads to two things happening. 1) Yami connecting enough dots to vaguely remember his first life. Not as clearly as Cal, but now he’s suspicious. 2) Cal and Yami becoming friends.

Yami ends up later introducing Cal and Amelia, and they end up becoming friends, though for a long time Cal tries to keep her at arms length. This is hard bc they get along really well.

eventually he gives in and they become besties again, but without all the trauma and horrors. This is great, and this is around when Cal starts to think he’s actually done well. He’s 19, he’s sort of awkwardly repaired his relationship with his mom, all his friends are happy and alive, everyone’s closer than ever. Like things are going REALLY well.

Anyway remember earlier when I mention his mom dies in both lives? Yeah so. When he’s 19, she dies of a sickness that he thought was improving. It’s really sudden, and it really trips him out. Not only is he just actually devastated, but now he starts wondering if some things are just bound to happen. He worked so hard to change her fate, and she still died relatively young and unexpectedly.

Then he finds out it technically wasn’t the sickness that killed her. She did it to herself because she realized it was getting worse, and she would probably die from it, and decided she’d rather die in a way she self was dignified. She didn’t tell him any of that.

Now he’s really like. “Oh god maybe things are just meant to happen.” this undoes a lot of the work he did on himself throughout this life, and he reverts back into a similar weird jerk that he was before. Less destructive obviously, but he withdraws, he starts ghosting everyone, he doesn’t leave his apartment. Eventually Kimu rolls up to confront him, and remember when I said Cal never grappled with how his actions affected Kimu, and how he still sort of resents him? Yeah.

So this happens.

It’s at this point he Finally, after nearly 20 years, realizes the one person who stuck by him at all times in both his lives, and the person he arguably hurt most, even more than Amelia.

And then he realizes that no matter how much he tried to change, it ended up like this.

And he thinks back to his mom, and how some things just seem doomed. Kimu storms out in tears, just like how he did during Cal’s first chance, and Cal decides that he and his mom must share the same fate.

This is one day before the anniversary of his death. Fortunately this time Kimu didn’t actually leave. He waited outside Cal’s door for a few minutes, thinking about what just happened, and then decides something is off and comes back in to talk things out.

He catches Cal this time, right before he attempts, and stops him from doing anything. Ofc Kimu starts yelling at him, asking him what the hell he’s doing, but all Cal can think about is that for whatever reason: Kimu came back early. And more importantly, that before Kimu came back, he hesitated.

this is about when he has a realization that nothing is actually doomed, and that this whole he’s wanted nothing more than to live. He realizes he wanted to live so much it created a tear in time and space.

So then he gets therapy and starts actually properly living his life to the fullest.

#ask tag #bloominghearts #calposting.jpeg #SORRY THIS IS SO SO SO LONG IM SO SORRY JSUFJV #tw suicide #tw death #I reallly like talking about my weird fucked up time loop ocs #I think it counts as a time loop #It’s just that time only loops once.#This also isn’t even touching on the weight over Cal’s head for like most of the story that is #“Is this just what life is. Do we just die and then come back. Is it all for nothing.”#It’s not he did genuinely create a time space error bc he didn’t want to die that badly. but that’s a concern for him for awhile.

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calpops · 4 years

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falling facade | c.h.

part ten: falling finale

5k words

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Calum and Arden lived on in a thin veil of secrets. One much less weighted than before. Only hiding the real side of their relationship; they decided to save it for themselves. There were no more confusing twists between family and stories to keep up with. They had each other and one secret to maintain. The end of the contract was nearing. But a tour still laid before them and the agreements they signed themselves into. Arden would join, posts would be made and paparazzi would be avoided. Then the inevitable call off of the engagement would ensue. For the past couple of months everything was easy.

New routines were built around them; rehearsal for tour and Arden’s life at the gallery left them with nighttime escapades and early mornings made of bliss and sinful secrets. A weekend getaway helped ground them into their own reality and remind them all that was real between them. Calum wouldn’t change it. He felt normalcy creeping around him, ease and warmth and a sense of security in the relationship they built and the fact it was only between them.

“Spend the night?” Calum tried persuading, a pouty lip and pleading eyes usually doing the trick.

“Don’t you have an early morning rehearsal?” Arden asked with narrowed eyes and a tilted head. “Isn’t Ashton meeting you here before it?”

Calum sighed. Ashton was one of few obstacles in their balance of secrecy. He saw the way they were after the paparazzi stunt, more than likely saw the kisses and heard the soft words Calum had used to calm Arden. They had agreed with thin words and confused casualties that Ashton wouldn’t assume what was happening or ask any questions about it. Now his appearances at Calum’s place left more hurdles to jump. But it was nothing compared to the marathons they were previously running to keep up with everything else.

“I’ll get up early. Be in the kitchen before he’s here. You can sleep in with Duke,” Calum offered with a pouty kiss to her forehead. “I’ll bring back breakfast from the diner.”

She smiled and reached down to pet Duke who made a home between them in the twisted sheets. “If I’m sleeping in you better bring back lunch instead.”

“So you’ll stay?” Calum asked around a laugh and victorious smirk. “Two nights?”

“We’ll see,” she mumbled and shifted to sit up, moved past Duke and straddled Calum’s lap in one swift motion. She ducked down to peck his lips, smirk into the kiss and break away before Calum could ask for more. “You better have a good bribe for me tomorrow night.”

Calum trailed a lone finger up her spine, knowing her reaction to the ticklish touch would be to arch her back and press closer into him. “Aren’t I enough?” He asked when the distance was closed and a slight gasp fell from her lips.

“Always,” she answered without missing a beat.

Morning came without notice. The sunlight that usually spilled in through the windows was blocked by pulled curtains. Alarms that would usually go off were silenced. Phone calls didn’t ring, text messages only lit up the screens. Oblivious and unconscious bliss hung over Calum and Arden in the early morning hours in which he should have been awake. In each other’s embraces neither heard nor stirred at the knock on the front door, the sound of a key in the lock or the squeak of opening hinges. Footsteps were muted and lost to dreams that had Calum shifting closer to Arden, throwing an arm over her and bringing her in as close as possible. Most mornings they woke that way, warm skin painted by lips and hair tousled, bodies entangled as one. Eyelashes slowly fluttering in time with content heartbeats and grins to greet each other. Instead, panic floored Calum at the opening of the bedroom door, a frown cut across his face and his lurching body woke Arden.

Calum’s eyes flew open and heart raced as Ashton stood frozen in the doorway; taking in the scene of the two together in a way that couldn’t be chalked up or watered down to assumptions. Arden was slower to rise, sheet thankfully tucked around her. Calum could see the alarm on her face as soon as she processed the situation.

“We uh, we’ve got rehearsal,” Ashton said and quickly made an exit, nearly slamming himself against the doorframe as he pivoted to make a quick leave.

“Cal,” Arden managed to get out under the sheer trepidation that now swung all around them. Thinly veiled secrets were coming to light.

“I’ll take care of it,” Calum said and stood, threw on sweatpants and traipsed after Ashton.

“Maybe it’s time everyone knows,” Arden lightly called after Calum but it went over his head in his rush to make things okay.

The conversation with Ashton was quick and tense. Ashton told Calum he wouldn’t lie to Michael if he was directly asked but he wouldn’t bring it up unprompted. If they didn’t want Ashton to know they needed to act like he still didn’t, not take his knowledge for granted or put him in the middle. He didn’t want to hurt Calum and Arden but he didn’t want to hurt Michael either. Calum respected all of that, agreed with the sentiments and promised they wouldn’t put him in any more uncomfortable situations. He could only thank him in the end with a tight lipped attempt at a smile and awkward pat on the back before excusing himself to finish getting dressed.

“It’s handled,” Calum told Arden and gave her a chaste kiss. “Try to get back to sleep.”

***

The rest of tour rehearsals went on with just a touch of awkwardness that floated in the air. Ashton was a bit more on edge than usual but began letting it go when Calum kept it under wraps and away from him. Arden was only a presence when necessary during the rehearsals. Everything fell back into its rightful place just in time for the tour to begin.

Sneaking around became a habit once more. One they became well versed in during the tour. Moments alone became scarce, constantly surrounded by crew and team members. The busses were always packed, the hotel nights were few and far between as the shows were nightly with minimal time and too much distance between them and their schedules conflicted with the tour and the gallery. When Arden was there she found a way to slip out of her own bunk, managed to stay quiet enough to climb into Calum’s when they were both sure no one was still awake. Whispered words and soft touches became their biggest form of intimacy. Calum was grateful for any gaps in the schedule that could offer them time away from the chaos and solely with each other.

One morning afforded them that kind of time. Arden was visiting for a weekend she had off, keeping up the guise of the engagement for the fans with social media posts as anything to do with paparazzi had a firm stop put to it. Michael was sleeping in, the crew was oblivious, Ashton understood and Luke was too wrapped up in his own relationship to bat an eye as they slipped out and headed for a diner reminiscent of their own. Ripped pleather seats, stained tabletops and bittersweet coffee welcomed them with a warm and familiar embrace.

“I’ve missed this,” Arden said around a sigh before bringing her coffee mug to her glossy lips. “I knew the tour would be crazy but I didn’t think it’d be this difficult. Feel like I never really get to see you.”

Calum agreed. Moments that could have been theirs were abandoned in favor of keeping secrets. Casual intimacy was few and far between. Only night time escapades in a cramped bunk ever gave them what they were seeking. Or at least some of what they wanted. But those nights were also filled with exhaustion and they passed out before catching up with each other.

“We have a hotel tonight,” Calum reminded, already buzzing at the prospect of a king bed, soft sheets, and slipping Arden his extra key. “You get me all night.”

Arden smiled but Calum detected a bite of sadness behind it; an apprehension and disbelief lingering in hazel, dulling what usually shone as bright as an ocean sunrise. She shifted in her seat and thumbed at the laminated menu mindlessly, the pages likely a blur at her downcast gaze. Calum felt her mood shift back, eyebrows furrowing and a small shake of her head breaking the discontent.

“Do you think once the tour is done we should tell Michael?” She finally asked and her downtrodden look made much more sense. The secrets were weighing heavy on both of them; even when times were light and felt as if everything was right, there was still that piece to shoulder the weight of.

“We will. Once the tour is over and we aren’t spending everyday with him or causing trouble for the band.”

“I know,” Arden said and gave a slight nod. “I can wait. I wouldn’t want to jeopardize everything you guys have worked for.”

Her words were reminiscent of those in their first meeting with management. Arden was protective of Michael and the success the band had brought him. Even when she felt like she was living in his shadow she would never wish the light away from him, never want to dim his accomplishments or hurt his friendships. Calum surmised that was most of the weight she was feeling. He felt it at times too. Other times he felt no want to tell. Everything had found a rhythm. They found each other and peace, they found control and ways to stay themselves in a fight against all they were chained to.

Calum offered her comfort with an outreached hand. Their alone time wasn’t long lived that morning but it gave Calum a new perspective and a reminder that the night would be theirs once more—no need for escaping into closets or slinking into the shadows of themselves. Night came to them after a whirlwind of a day, after a performance with subtle glances to side stage where Arden stood, always on Calum’s side, always waiting with impatient smirk and even more subtle teases. The hotel wa dead quiet when Calum finally heard the door handle turn and soft footsteps pad over to the bed. Arden was much more graceful and stealthy about roaming through the halls. No one but the band would question her being in Calum’s room and everyone else questioned why she wasn’t. They lied and lied and spun half truths until everyone was left dizzy and not wanting to know the reasons. The art of evasion and escape had been perfected.

“Cal? You still up?” Her voice was quiet as she approached, a timid hand reaching out for the bed in the dark. Calum heard it glide along the sheets and captured it with a silent movement.

“Mhm,” he murmured and helped pull her into him, secured her into his embrace and felt himself relax.

Some nights they were able to find privacy in their own room and those times were made of needy sighs, greedy grips and begging lips that would leave marks to be dealt with in the morning. Some nights were gentler. Slower yet sensual and laced with a languid passion Calum had never felt before. Tonight was different. Exhausted and homesick, a craving for intimacy in a more gentle form clouding both of them. Calum could tell Arden wanted exactly the same; a night to catch up and feel one another in more innate ways. She rested her head against his chest, he felt her feet tap under the covers in time with his heartbeat and smirked up at the dark ceiling above them.

“The gallery wants me back by Monday at eight,” she began with a sigh and Calum could nearly picture her biting her lip as she took a moment to contemplate her next words. “I still don’t know what I want to do. I thought this was just going to be temporary. It doesn’t feel that way anymore. But it doesn’t feel right either.”

Calum was temporarily stunned into silence as he tried to figure out how best to respond to her seemingly out of the blue declaration. Their conversation in the yard came tumbling back to him at full force. The doubts that plagued her and the desire to do something more with her life; to know she wanted more and figure out exactly what that something might be.

“You don’t need to know right now,” Calum mused and shifted, maneuvered them so he could face her and gently run his fingertips along her jaw. “You have a lifetime to figure it out.”

“What if I never do? What if I’m not meant for anything extraordinary? What if I need to just settle for a side step out of the shadows and realize it doesn’t lead to some grand path?”

“You will. You are. You’re already on that path,” Calum said and knew her face was crumpling in confusion; never quite able to see herself the way Calum saw her. Never quite able to realize her worth.

“Some are just longer than others.”

Arden let out a dry laugh and found her composure at the drop of a dime; sobering quickly and lapsing into a heated silence as they both thought over her fears. Calum knew she would find what she was looking for, hoped he was in the picture.

“I really hope you’re right,” she mumbled around a broken breath that did its best to fracture her pride and splinter her faith.

“I am. And I’m proud of you no matter where you end up,” he said.

He had stated to make it a point to express his pride and admiration for her ever since she admitted she felt no one had any reason to be. He could nearly feel her smile, felt her warmth as she scooted back in close to him and buried her face against his cool skin. Fingertips drifted to run through her hair and hear the sigh of contentment that left at her at the easy form of affection.

“I don’t know if what I’m doing is enough. But right now is.”

Moments and words like those were what made Calum wish to go on in their own secret little world. Ignorance on behalf of everyone else seemed like bliss. Being alone together was enough for Calum and the moment.

***

Calum froze in fear, his conversation with Ashton stopping on a dime as he spotted Arden with an incredulous look on her face. They were on the side of the stage as the openers sound checked, finding a rare occasion to discuss the situation of Ashton knowing and when or if they were going to tell Michael. Usually Calum kept it all to himself and between him and Arden. He had struck a deal with Ashton to keep it that way. But Ashton brought it up; opened the door to the conversation and Calum was more than willing to speak about it with loose lips and unthought out words. He didn’t know exactly what Arden overheard but he could tell she didn’t like it. He panicked, moved away from Ashton and brought her further into the depths of backstage. She was stiff and reluctant.

“What’s wrong?” He asked, desperately, hoping she would piece together what she heard and why she didn’t like it.

“Do you not want to tell anyone?” Arden asked, face crumpling in disbelief at the situation. Calum saw the hurt in her eyes, heard the waver in her voice as it cracked. “Ever?”

Music thumped around them in defending bass lines that collided with the nerves wracking Calum’s body. What she overheard was only a sliver of the conversation, just a breath that danced off his lips in a fleeting confession to Ashton. It’s nice no one else knows about us. I could get used to it being like this. I don’t want to tell anyone else. He meant it but not in the ways Arden took it. Miscommunication was hanging precariously between them, swaying on a frayed line with broken words and breaking hearts.

“No,” Calum quickly spat out and tried to move to her but she stepped back. “I didn’t mean it like that. Arden, listen, you know me. You trust me. I just meant—“

Calum faltered, unsure how to explain himself in the heat of the moment. It was only months ago his words had been spun through the press misconstrued; Arden hadn’t believed them, had written them off so quick with only trust in her eyes. Now she was pallid and swaying as she tried to figure it out. Calum realized it was different. The words came from his mouth, she heard them in the moment and the months since he had asked to wait to tell Michael and the rest about them did little to instill faith. Arden waited only a moment with arms crossed and glossy eyes before shaking her head.

“If you never want to tell anyone then there doesn’t need to be anything to tell.”

She moved to pass him, the crew around them was oblivious to the quarrel, Calum reached out to stop her, a hand on her arm and a pleading look in his eyes. She let out a breath and recoiled from his touch. In one motion she slipped the ring off her finger and placed it to his chest against her palm. Calum quickly captured her hand before she could take it away, before the ring could drop and everything they had been working for could shatter. That one word came back and Calum realized it was time.

“Come with me,” he requested, hand scooping hers without waiting for a proper answer, the ring falling into his hold as he led her down the hall and back towards the green room. He pocketed the ring, unsure if she would ever want it back. “I’m ready.”

She reluctantly trailed him and Calum fought down the rising panic swelling in his chest. The door was closed, he knew Michael was behind it. He knew he was the place to start in proving what he truly meant. Calum opened the door to be met with confused glances and silence from his best friend. Michael was perched on the arm of a couch, Luke was downing a beer and Ashton was nowhere in sight; probably off with the openers after the incident Arden overheard.

“Mike, I gotta tell you something,” Calum began and pushed past the fear, drowned out the warning bells and listened to the words that had been sitting on the tip of his tongue for months. Arden was slightly behind him, tears that once threatened to fall now staining her cheeks. Calum turned to her, wiped her pain away gently with the pads of his thumbs and kissed her for just a fleeting moment. “I’m in love with your sister.”

“Love?”

“I know.”

Arden questioned with hope in the one syllable and Michael declared with an air of not caring in the two words.

“You know?” Calum asked, forgetting for a split second that confession was the first time Arden had heard it.

“I’m her brother and your best friend. Not an idiot,” Michael said as if it was obvious and cut a look at Arden as if to keep the possibility of sibling banter about idiocy at bay. Calum could almost hear Arden’s chiding yet lighthearted and drawn out well. “I see the way you look at each other. I know how much time you’ve spent together. I’ve seen empty bunks at night. I can see that you’re happy together. I figured you’d tell me eventually.”

“You love me?” Arden asked again, completely ignoring all that Michael said, or taking it in and letting in form the question once more, Calum wasn’t sure. Shock wrote itself clearly on her face, danced along her eyes and had her head shaking in disbelief.

“Of course I do,” Calum soothed. He was hesitant but pulled her closer, took in a breath of relief when she was receptive.

“Then why didn’t you want to tell anyone?”

“Can we talk, alone?” Calum answered with his own question to her, knowing the conversation was better had away from everyone else.

She nodded but was wary in the motion and slow to leave the room with him; casted glances back at Michael to make sure he was actually as okay with it as he seemed. He didn’t make any protests, didn’t cause a scene or even bat an eye. He knew. Their fear had been misplaced, too loud for rationale to tell them he would understand. Too riddled with anxiety and stereotypes to believe that he might even be supportive of the relationship. It was foolish, now that Calum really thought about it. All Michael would ever hope for was both of their happiness, and if they found it together then so be it. If roles were reversed Calum would want the same.

They found a place down the hall where the music wasn’t as loud and people didn’t pass by. Calum took her hand, grateful she didn’t pull away or flinch at the contact. He took in a deep breath and collected the words of explanation in his mind before beginning.

“Everything was starting to feel like it fit. It was good. Easy. It was so simple to have each other and not let anyone know about it. It felt like we were finally ours. Not management’s. Not our doubts or fears about our parents. Not the scrutiny of Michael. You were mine, I was yours and we were just us. I meant that was nice. That if I could make it feel that way forever I would. I just didn’t know how to say it like that. Not until now. Especially not to Ashton; you’re the only one who should be hearing it. And I wish the first time you heard that I love you wasn’t because of that.”

Calum got it all out in one go, caught his breath after his monologue and then held it as Arden contemplated his explanation. She held stares with him, eyes blank and in telling of any clues. Calum noted the stillness that captured her, the usual knocking of knees, wiggling legs or swaying bodies in times of anxiety completely absent. She did bite her lip, scrunched her nose just a touch and pressed her thumb against the back of his hand.

“I didn’t hear anything,” she said and shrugged, a subtle smirk lifted the corners of her lips.

Calum was dumbfounded for a split second until his mind caught up to his words and the wish he ended on and then he understood a chance was being bestowed upon him to get it right.

“But, I love you too,” she said in a whisper and closed the distance between them by wrapping her arms around the back of his neck and standing on the tops of her toes. Peaches and sugar and all that was Arden came back to him.

He felt the weight of the ring in his pocket. Let it formulate a plan in the forefront of his mind as she kissed him, lips as sweet as ever and welcoming to the need of deepening it that consumed Calum. It wasn’t for long, but in those few minutes fear had made a home in his heart. He was scared he would lose her, scared that sweet would turn bitter on his tongue forever.

“I’m sorry,” he said against her lips, realizing he gave an explanation and not an apology for the pain he hadn’t meant to cause her.

She kissed him again and it told him he was forgiven. She would pretend she hadn’t heard that four letter word but ensured he knew she felt it too. He would say it again. He would hope she would too.

***

The time to say it again came on a night when Calum’s plan came to full fruition. He had held onto the ring, Arden had asked about it—told him she hoped he was hawking it to get the money back now that the contractual agreement was over and it was a moot point. The “split” was as uneventful as they could have hoped for. Management was more agreeable than they had ever been. Calum surmised it may have had something to do with the power he wielded with a photo post of the two of them as the clock struck midnight and the contract ran out. He captioned it to explain the engagement was off but they were still together, happy and figuring things out as they had so aptly used as explanation before. There wasn’t much management could do to finesse around it. They had finally won. Finally found their freedom and rhythm of normalcy—no more lies followed them, no more secrets shrouded their nights and intimate moments, no more doubts and misconstrued words to make holes in their hearts. They had each other, just exactly as Calum had wanted. And Arden had found her path. The art gallery led to connections and inspiration that found her on her way to writing and illustrating a children’s book about finding your dreams and emphasizing that having a little help along the way was okay.

The night was dark, the moon didn’t grace the sky and only a few stars speckled across the black. Street lights shined paths on the pavement as they walked. Their hands were held and swung between them, easy small talk filled the night air. Calum stopped them abruptly, their diner stood lit up with half of a neon sign. The lights never fully functioned and it added to the charm. Arden had even captured that in the painting that now hung in Calum’s living room.

“Arden,” Calum started, unsure how to start, a blush consuming him as he struggled with his words. She gazed up at him, offered a knowing grin; Calum realized she must have put the special plans together. She was expecting it, waiting for that special word to be said again. She knew. “You know I’m in love with you.”

She batted her eyes and bit her lip as she slowly nodded. “And you know I feel the same. I love you.”

Calum couldn’t stop his emotions from showing, heart on his sleeve, love in his eyes and warmth in his smile as he heard her say it back—again. Though he knew, had already heard her whisper it, it was still nice to hear. He hoped he could continue hearing it. Knowing it would never get old.

“There’s something else I want to say and something I need to give you,” he went on, reached into his coat pocket, hands finding smooth velvet and heart racing at the contact. He could feel in his bones that she would appreciate it, knew in every emotion that coursed through him that it was the right moment.

“Oh?” She asked with an arched eyebrow and line of sight following his hand to his pocket. “I hope it’s nothing too much. I didn’t get you anything.”

Calum waved off her concern. She never liked when he spent money on her, always wanted to split. Preferred time to gifts and always tried to keep the balance even. He let out a breath as he decided how next to approach what needed to be said. A thought entered his mind and he couldn’t push it away before one of his knees hit the ground as his hand enveloped and brought out the jewelry box within his coat.

“Marry me, maybe someday? When we’re both ready and our friends and families can know and it can be real?” Calum asked around a smirk and flipped open the jewelry box—his plan shining under the lights.

Arden’s eyes were blown wide, head shaking minutely back and forth as a dry laugh tumbled from her painted lips. “Stand up.”

Her hands guided him back up from his position on the ground, cupped under his jaw and brought him in for a kiss. The jewelry box was temporarily forgotten in Calum’s hold. When she pulled away she spared it a glance before furrowing her brows and letting out another giggle.

“Were you trying to give me a heart attack?” She asked and processed what was inside the box, turned back to it with wonder in her eyes and fingered at the necklace laid within. “Are those… the diamonds from my ring?”

Calum nodded with a broad and gleaming smile; happy she put it together and understood the meaning behind it. “I had them reset. There’s no need for a ring right now, but I couldn’t imagine you without them.”

“It’s stunning,” she praised in a breathy whisper and turned back to ask with her eyes if he could put it on her. He did so gently, brushing hair out of the way and clasping it at the nape of her neck. He peered down, found it much more fitting and delicate in a necklace than as a ring. It was Arden.

“You know, you didn’t answer my question,” he said as he pulled her into him and enveloped her in his embrace.

He felt her laughter. “Yeah. I’ll maybe marry you. Someday.”

He tilted her chin up, fingers light and trailing. “How about in the meantime we just go home and you spend a night or two or three or four?”

She thought for just a second; the back of Calum’s neck heating and stomach sinking until she said, “No maybes about that. I definitely will.”

They walked back to the car, drove back to Calum’s place, back home where everything had finally all fallen into place. Duke greeted them at the door. Cushioned comfort welcomed them, promises of breakfast and not worrying about what the night and morning would bring eased their souls. Knowing they could wake up to each other tomorrow and as long as they wished to warmed their hearts. Calum knew what it was like to fall, to feel the wind at his back and now he finally knew she could always be home to catch him. A ring turner necklace and words already known but said once more gave them a falling finale to the morning in Vegas, the signed contracts, glimmering uncertainty of what feelings were real or fake, and everything in between. Their falling facade finally broke and settled around them, a falling finale bidding them love and trust, freedom and hopes for forever together.

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capricornus-rex · 4 years

Text

In the Face of Fear (3)

Cal Kestis x Reader

Requested by @stellar-trinity

Summary: Kashyyyk has its own charms and surprises, but what if one of those said surprises rear its ugly, unpleasant head right in front of you in the form of a spider that’s the size of a boulder?

Tags: Arachnophobia, Wyyyschokk, Matriarch Wyyyschokk, Kashyyyk, Arachnophobic! Reader

Also in AO3

Chapters: Part 1 | Previous: Part 2 | Next: Part 4 | Masterlist

3 of ?

Grouped with a small band of partisans, the Jedi pair stalked through the western forest where they presumed the Shadowtroopers would be deployed.

“What good is a cloaking device if they’re just gonna stand and guard a metal building, anyway?” you teased and garnered some chuckles from your companions.

While Jedi senses are keener and more human than a scanner, having both at their disposal would prove to be an advantage. The group has gotten far into the woods now, Cal was starting to pick something up, but he described it as elusive and always on the move.

“Do you think it could be a Shadowtrooper?”

“Could be, could be not,”

Even the rebels were extra alert on today’s mission. For every rustle of grass or leaves, whenever a rock would clatter against anything, even so much as the soft crunching of a twig—they would turn to its direction with all barrels of their rifles at the ready.

Cal’s ears pricked up when he heard a distant rustling—he expected an animal sound to follow after it, but there was none—then his eyes panned left and right, searching for something or perhaps nothing at all. He had already sensed something strange, the random noise he detected just amplified it.

“Please tell me I’m not the only one sensing it, [Y/N],”

“I don’t know, I… I have a strange feeling that something’s watching us. But I don’t know if it’s the Shadowtroopers or something else,”

The redhead hummed and the entire group pressed on. The sunlight’s rays selectively pierced through the trees’ canopies; the further in all of you go, your senses immediately cranked up to eleven. By instinct, your hand pats your leg in search of your lightsaber while keeping your eyes peeled in the way forward.

Still here. You thought, feeling your palm shape up to the roundness of your weapon.

As you and your group step into the part of the forest, you finally had your senses keened when the sunlight in the forest got dimmer. You know something isn’t right anymore, Cal looked at you to affirm that he too senses it.

“Wait,” you firmly said, causing everybody to stop in their tracks. “I sense them.”

“Them? How many do you think there are?” said one partisan.

“I don’t know exactly—but there’s more than one,”

“Great,” grumbled one. “Doesn’t really narrow things down but we’ll work with it.”

The rebels and Jedi press on, but their collective senses tripled, though the latter became more cautious and more sensitive to their surroundings.

“They’re close…” you mouthed, the softness of your voice only got to Cal’s earshot.

The snap of a twig, not by the foot of any of your group, set everybody’s fight-of-flight response. In the split second before that noise died down, blasters clicked and triggers were squeezed; red and green projectiles hailed back and forth.

The Shadowtroopers gave their positions, you witnessed the exact phenomenon that the scout from a few days ago described: thin air swirling as it materializes into a shapeless silhouette, until the color turn more opaque, and only then does one realize they have a Shadowtrooper standing right in front of them.

Luckily, you detected the trooper while his silhouette returns to its solid shape, a blind strike got him on the torso—creating a gash of embers on his frontal plate. Like the static of a hologram, his now-damaged cloaking device caused his entire appearance to crackle until he’s reverted to normal. On the other hand, Cal reeled in his opponent, suspending him inches above the ground and then drove his lightsaber through the black armor; the boy witnesses the same effect once the Shadowtrooper’s armor is damaged to a certain extent.

Most of the rebels were able to damage the other Shadowtroopers’ armor, rendering them incapable of using their cloaking device, thus pelting them with blaster fire with the help of the Jedi pair deflecting their shots and targeting the armor when banking it.

“Not so tough now, are ya?!” celebrated one partisan and the others followed.

However, something still doesn’t sit right with the two Jedi youngsters. How you wished you could tell off these rebels to save the celebration for later until they’re back in the hideout. In the distance, you hear a slow, rhythmic beeping until it got louder…

And louder.

Thunk.

The ball-like weapon mutely rolled over on the earthy cushion beneath your feet, but between the spaces of the grass you spotted its metallic sheen and the red dot-sized light.

“EVERYBODY RUN!!!” you screeched.

A thermal detonator had gone off. Thankfully, nobody was caught in the deadly radius of the blast and only got as little as burns and scrapes. Another wave—albeit small—of Shadowtroopers came barging through the smoke and taking advantage of your collective disoriented state. Being the one least affected by the blast, you drew their attention to you by forcefully turning one of them around from the slightly fazed rebels and then to you—in result, ruining his aim.

“About to shoot at a dazed, immobilized enemy?” you clicked your tongue. “Should’ve expected you’d fight dirty!”

The Shadowtrooper wriggled in your Force grip, his gun-hand struggled to break through whatever’s binding them from aiming at a straight line. Your hold onto him was so tight that even breathing was suffocating. He was denied a pull of the trigger when you flung your target to the other one on your two o’ clock side. At the last minute, another Shadowtrooper came running towards you—he was directly in your periphery—and you got caught in a melee; you were too late to fight back and got struck by the barrel of his rifle, you come rolling to the edge of a ridge—a single kick would send you plummeting to Force-knows-where.

Little did the Shadowtrooper knew that you were playing dead, timing the exact moment you’ll throw him off to the abyss. His footsteps approach you, the vibration of his approaching footsteps meets the nerves of your body against the earth; you feel his one foot lifting up from the ground—either to poke your body to see if you’re dead or to kick you off, it doesn’t matter—and you waited for that split second his boot touches you.

Hup!

You scramble on the dust, quickly grabbed the barrel of the rifle facing downward to tug him in closer, tucked your knees and planted your feet flat on his stomach and your legs sprang upward. The weight of the soles of your feet got ighter, but your success has been compromised as the Shadowtrooper grabbed onto your sleeve in a desperate attempt to literally hold on for dear life!

In the midst of the firefight, Cal scanned the area quickly and found you missing. He looked around and heard your voice in the empty end of the ridge—he immediately got the hint and booked it. He comes rushing, sliding down on his stomach and peeking over the edge to find you barely holding onto a protruding rock on the wall while fighting off the Shadowtrooper clinging on your leg.

“Get…! OFF!!!” you grunted, trying to kick the trooper in the face to make him let go.

Cal dipped his hand over the edge, palm wide open, inching closer so you could grab it.

The Shadowtrooper claws at your calf to make you stop kicking, but the more he claws at and bluntly hits your leg flimsily with his rifle, the more you kick at him.

“Come on, [Y/N], reach!”

“I…” you huffed. “I can’t!”

Eventually, you bent your leg up, gathering enough strength to release one last kick—the hard sole of your boot met the Shadowtrooper’s face—and then another stomp for good measure…

And another…

And one last.

The Shadowtrooper, now dazed from the damage his face had taken, gradually lost grip around your leg and let go, falling into the pit and disappearing into the darkness that blends well with his dark armor. Meanwhile, the rock handhold you’ve been clinging on has started to crumble underneath your fingertips. You’re running out of time.

The warble in your voice is evident. You sobbed as you spoke. Neither yourself or Cal can deny the fear.

“Cal… the rock’s about to give!”

“It’s gonna be okay,” he repeatedly told you this every time he attempts to reach further.

With the dead weight gone, Cal got a hold of you. His forearm pressing against yours as he grabs you just by the elbow line.

“I got you, [Y/N], I got you!”

Cal hauled you up and finally you’re on solid ground… for now.

The relief was short-lived.

You watched his eyes widen with horror, because he knows you heard it too—a single crack of the rock you two are on had broken off and gave!

The colossal chunk of the ridge eroded and slid on the slope, leaving a deep trail on the soil, along with its two unlikely passengers holding at the jagged edge of the rock. It bounced and collided at every corner it bumped into, it was a violent ride—both you and Cal practically dug your nails into the rock and kept your head low.

The chunk of hard earth tore a hole through the rain-soaked soil. Bioluminescent mushrooms lit up the pit that you and Cal have fallen into, dotting the walls with an orange glow, though it’s not enough to fill the entire space—however, despite the warmth they give off, it all feels like a front. Both of you got a bad feeling about this.

“This doesn’t look good,” you mutter to Cal, who was still in the midst of recomposing himself after all that wild ride of a descent.

Looking back, over his shoulder, Cal examined the crater the rock had bore during the fall: the height of hole from the ground was too high for either of you to climb up on. You had a grappling hook on your gauntlet, but looking at the same direction as Cal, you can’t find a suitable surface to secure the hook; squinting your eyes with little sunlight pooling through the crater, you can see that the surrounding wall is made up of moist soil—almost loam-like—which will definitely not hold, especially both of your weights. There were no seemingly firm handholds either.

It’s a long walk to the way out for both of you until the light at the end of the tunnel shines; and the only way through is straight ahead—if there is one.

Cal agreed, having the same queasiness in the stomach as you, “Come on, let’s get out of here.”

The two of you hopped down from the rock and carefully stalked your way through the cavern, unaware what kind of creatures are lurking within its crevices. Without either of your noticing, the corpse of the Shadowtrooper that had clung to you was right behind you, though it lied in the shadows, a pair of hairy legs snaked out of the darker end and spirited the body away from the light of day.

Igniting your sabers to torch the path, it was eerily quiet, spare the coarse dirt crunching underneath your boots. The brightness of your lightsabers combined illuminated the cave at a certain range, Cal was a few paces ahead of you to extend that range.

“It’s like a maze,” he wondered out loud, slowly waving his saber left and right to study the texture of the walls.

“Wooo…” BD-1 whistled, spooked by the darkness. “Bee… t-t-trill…”

Something crunched under your shoe when you took a step—it was thin, crisp, and fragile like eggshells—you turned your foot over and saw white shards clinging on the sole. You immediately recognize the material.

“Oh no…” you groaned.

Cal paused in his tracks and glanced over to you, alarmed by the ominous tone in your voice, “What is it?”

“I know where we are… and it’s not good.”

The large holes on the cave’s wall started to hiss and click. It produced multitudes of legs that are five times thicker than an ion cannon’s barrel; and then comes out a creature with a rotund abdomen, an ironically colorful exoshell, and a pair of mandibles laced with its own bile that could paralyze once it enters one’s bloodstreams.

Your worst nightmare on eight legs.

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bluebabycal · 4 years

Text

Drunk On You

Summary: I’m a whore for a drunken hookup and friends to lovers concepts so yeah..

Word count: idk I wrote it on my notes

Warnings: smut, maybe cursing i don’t remember, probably a lot of mistakes, also I’m so sorry this took so long to post but i hope you like it :)

———————————————————————

Falling in love with Calum was easy, as easy as breathing, you didn’t need to think about it, it just happened, simple as that. You met him through KayKay when she and Ashton first started dating and ever since then you guys have been inseparable. What started out as a platonic friendship turned into something so much more, at least on your side. He was there, maybe not physically but whenever you needed him, he was there, ready to listen to all your ramblings, ready to be the shoulder you need to cry on, ready to support you, ready to smack you on the head when you’re being stupid, ready to be the person you didn’t know you needed so much before he came along. He was your safe place. When he went on tour the first time around was so hard because you had gotten so used to him being around, you’d never become that close with anyone this fast, the chemistry was there instantly, and though you got used to him leaving for months on end, it never got any easier; so you both always

made the most out of nights like tonight. As you both sat on the floor of your living room, two empty vodka bottles laid on the coffee table, each one of you held 10 red solo cups in your hands, a single cup placed further down from where you sat “Fuck !” You groaned as another one of your cups landed away from the single one “You’re awful at this game”

“You’re one to talk, you haven’t gotten a single one of your cups in yet” he chuckled at your comment

“Just going easy on you doll, I can do this without looking” he commented

“Oh? Prove it then” he turned his head to face you, a boyish smirk on his lips as he threw one of his cups hoping it would land in the one away. It didn’t. You laughed at his awful attempt to get it in, getting up to collect the cups

“You’re awful at this, even worse than me” you said walking into the kitchen with Calum quick on your heels

“I am not worse than you, no one can be”

“But you are” you put the cups away turning to face him poking his nose

“Take that back”

“Or what?” You challenged with a smirk, when he didn’t answer you walked away, but Calum wasn’t quite done with the conversation yet, he quickly picked you up making you squeal,he took you to your bedroom and gently laid you on the bed, his fingers tickling at your sides where you’re most ticklish, he sat on the bed next to you, somehow he had you pinned down as you squirmed under him trying your best to mutter out a coherent sentence begging him to stop, both of your intoxicated states were not helping

“Calum please” you dragged out the ‘please’ trying your best to push his hands away but they kept coming back faster than you liked, he ignored your pleads

“Take it back” he kept repeating and when you couldn’t take anymore you told him what he wanted to hear and he finally stopped

“See, that wasn’t so hard” he said with a satisfied smile, he’s looking down at you, your cheeks flushed from the alcohol a cute rose tint adorning them, your eyes are literally shinning and you have the most beautiful smile plastered on your face as a giggle escaped your lips

“You’re just gonna keep staring? I’m sure this isn’t a very comfortable position for you” he licked his lips, one of his hands pushed hour knees aside so he could position his body between them, he was now hovering over you and you swore your heart was gonna burst out of your chest

“What are you doing cal” you’re more curious than nervous because over your many years of friendship you had ever been this close

“Can I kiss you?”

“I’m sorry?” You ask in shock and he simply repeats himself “Can I kiss you?” As if he didn’t know or care about the weight his words carried, so why should you?

“Yeah, you can kiss me cal” you answered after being silent for a couple seconds, at your answer, one of his hands came up to cup your cheek and he leaned down to meet your lips.

The kiss is soft and sweet, it’s not rushed at all and there’s nothing short of pure love and adoration poured into it. It’s unlike any other kiss you’ve had, this one felt more real, more intense, and it’s not like you weren’t in love in your old relationships it’s just you’ve never loved anyone the way you loved Calum, and maybe your feeling clouded your judgement, maybe this kiss is nothing out of the ordinary but it felt amazing and you never wanted to stop kissing him. Much to your dismay, you both pulled away for air, his hand never left your cheek, neither of you opening your eyes, his lips hovered so close over yours they still touched,

“Kiss me again” your eyes finally met his, a loving smile tugging on his lips at your comment he wasted no time and quickly brought his lips to yours in another kiss that started out as passionate as the first one but soon turned into more, both of you needing to feel more than your lips and tongues against each other. Still ever so slow and sweet, Calum undressed you. He was so gentle every step of the way, almost as if he feared you would break at any moment, and even intoxicated he was still a gentleman; asking for your consent before taking off any article of clothing or touching you. He savoured every inch of your body, burning ever small detail in his brain in case it was the only time he’d be able to have you, he wanted to make this memorable for both of you, needed to make you feel great but most importantly, he needed you to know that this wasn’t just a hookup, that it meant so much more to him than that and only hoped you felt the same. He took his sweet time with you and you didn’t complain, this was a nice change of pace from the quick rough sex you were used to, it turned your insides into putty, you weren’t sure what this meant or how it would affect your friendship but right now that was the least of your concerns, with Calum now inside you he had taken over every single nerve in you body, consumed you, you moved with him, for him. You felt every inch of him inside you stretching you out perfectly. and he swore your body fit his like a glove made specifically for him, his hands ran up your body to unwrap your arms from around his neck only to intertwine his fingers with yours, he buried his head in the crook of your neck both of your breathing heavy with complete bliss. He started kissing and biting on your neck then moved to your collarbones, breasts and jaw leaving purple bruises all over your body before his lips met yours in another of his intoxicating kisses

“You’re so perfect baby, feel so good around me” he praised and you moaned leaning up, not too far cause his forehead never left yours, you kissed his lips, biting on sucking on his bottom lip dragging a whimper out of him, his lips moulded perfectly against yours and you never wanted to forget that feeling

“I’m so close cal, don’t stop, please” you begged out of breath, one of his hands left yours to find your clit and began to work on you, you bucked your hips and whimpered at his touch only encouraging him further “Let go for me my love, let me feel you cum around my cock” he said nudging your cheek with his nose and you did just as he asked, your high washing over you intensely, stronger than any orgasm you’ve ever had and Calum followed suit shortly after finishing inside you. He worked the both of you through your orgasms before completely stilling inside you, one of his hands supported his weight while the other caressed your sides, foreheads resting against each other, noses touching and your lips only centimetres apart “You were so good to me petal” he leaned down to peck your swollen lips “so good” he whispered against your lips, he slowly pulled out of you and you hissed at the loss. He bent down to grab your shirt and began ever so gently cleaning you up while kissing the inside of your thighs, he knew you were going to be sore in the morning. Once he was done he tossed the shirt aside and laid down next to you pulling you into his chest kissing your forehead, you cuddled into his side, your arm wrapped around his torso and your head rested against his chest, you enjoyed these last few moments of bliss you had before having to face the consequences of your actions, that night you fell asleep to the sound of his heartbeat.

The next morning you woke up before Calum with full recollection of the night before, and although you definitely did not regret it, you were terrified of what it meant, you knew how Calum felt about love so you were sure that that isn’t going in the direction you wanted it to go, you got out of bed and put on his shirt, you made your way to the kitchen and started making your morning coffee making sure to make enough for two and as you waited for the coffee to be ready you rehearsed what you were gonna tell Calum, you were gonna give him an out you were sure he would take. As you poured your coffee into a mug you felt his arms wrap around your waist while his chin came to rest on your shoulders

“Good morning gorgeous” he mumbles kissing your cheek, you wanted to lean into his touch so bad but you knew it was no good

“Hey, I made coffee” you quickly wiggles out of his grasp and handed him the mug in your hands before grabbing another one and poured the rest of the coffee in it, without another word you walked past him and sat on one of your kitchen stools, Calum followed your actions and sat on the one next to you, you drank your coffee in silence trying your best to keep your gaze off him it was really hard being so close to him only in his shirt and him only in a pair of boxer briefs, both of you could feel the tension in the air, Calum didn’t understand why it was there in the first place he thought he made the way he felt about you clear as day last night, when you didn’t say anything he spoke up

“Okay what’s wrong? You’re acting weird, is this because we had sex last night?” He asked not really sure he wanted to know the answer, he thought he knew you felt the same way after last night but right now he wasn’t sure and he really didn’t want another heartbreak, maybe he should’ve thought about that before starting anything ..

“Don’t worry I’m not getting attached, we’re two consenting adults, we were drunk and hooked up, doesn’t have to mean anything more than that” you said your voice laced in pain, you couldn’t look at him because of you did you wouldn’t be able to stop the tears

“Is that what last night was to you? A drunken hook up?” He asked

“It’s what it was right?” You responded, it felt as though you had ripped your heart out and stomped on it yourself, but you really didn’t want to lose Calum and if this was the only way then so be it

“Why are you acting this way?” You could hear the confusion in his voice

“I’m giving you an out Calum” you explained finally looking at him

“Who said I wanted an out??” He was starting to get frustrated, you weren’t making much sense

“Look can we just forget it happened and move past this” the tears were now threatening to fall as your voice broke

“Is that what you want? You wanna forget last night?” You couldn’t look at him any longer because you were gonna burst so you averted your gaze to the ground and didn’t answer him hoping he got the memo, but instead of dropping it his hands cupped your face forcing you to look at him

“I don’t wanna forget last night petal, I don’t wanna wall away from this. Last night meant so much to me, you weren’t just a body count to me or a drunken hookup. I really thought i made it clear last night but I guess not, you can sit here and pretend you don’t feel the same way but you and I both know that’s a lie, so yeah of you want me to, I’ll walk away, but I really don’t want to, I don’t even think I can, so will you just let your guard down for me because I only want you, you’re all I can fucking think about” he wiped the tears that left your eyes with the back of his thumb

“Look at me petal, please” you heart broke with his voice, you hated that you hurt him and when your eyes met you regretted everything you said and wished you could take it all back and go in different direction than you did

“I want us petal, I’ve wanted us for the longest time, please don’t walk away from me” god you never hated yourself more than when you saw a tear fall out knowing you hurt him that way, you quickly shook your head and wiped away his tear pulling his forehead to yours

“I don’t wanna walk away” you whispered, his hands left your face and pulled your stool closer to him

“Good” he whispered before your lips met in another kiss, and maybe neither of you said those three words but you both felt them in that kiss and for now, that was enough.

#calum hood #calum thomas hood #calum hood 5 seconds of summer #calum hood 5sos #calum 5 seconds of summer #calum 5sos #calum hood smut #calum hood blurb #calum hood fic #calum hood fluff #calum hood angst #calum hood imagine #calum hood one shot #calum hood preference

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lilacsos · 4 years

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Denial LH Part One

A/N: Howdy! This is the first thing I’ve written in a hot minute and I actually really like it. Fun fact when I first thought of this I thought of Spencer Reid from Criminal Minds so yeah. All flashbacks are in italics :)

Words: 4330

Pairing: Luke x Gender Neutral Reader

*Warnings*: Mentions of cheating and throwing stuff, I think like one swear word, oh and I named someone Nicole because I needed a name so sorry if that’s your name

Summary: You and Luke are close childhood friends. Despite what Ashton says, you’re just friends, nothing more and nothing less. Right?

Masterlist Taglist (newest one) *if you were on any previous taglist please put your info on this one*

“Come on Luke! We can’t be late!” The squeaky voice of a small child shouted as they ran down the sidewalk, running as fast as their short legs could carry them.

Behind them, a young blonde boy rushed to try and keep up. “Don’t leave me behind! We have to stay together; my mom will be very upset if I tell her you left me!” The other person groaned and stopped moving while a triumphant smirk made its way onto Luke’s face. “Besides, it’s also your fault that we’re running late Y/N.”

With a roll of your eyes, you crossed your arms over your chest and tapped your foot on the ground as you waited. “Luke we both stopped to pet the dog but you stopped first and like you said, your mom will be very upset if I left you.” You giggled, your own smirk forming. Once Luke finally caught up, you grabbed the young boy by the wrist and dragged him as you continued to run home. You and your family moved into the house next to Luke only three months ago but the two of you quickly became friends and now walked home from school together. You were only ever late once and the disappointed look from Mrs. Hemmings was enough to make sure you were never late again.

You both kept running and in the distance, you could see your houses. With a look at his watch, Luke slowed down to walk. “We have enough time to walk. Unless you enjoy running.” Luke smiled as you also slowed down, walking in step with him. “What do you think of Mr. Martin’s project?”

“I can’t believe he wants us to write a whole paragraph about what we want to be when we grow up! We’re seven!” You threw your hands up into the air with an exasperated whine. “I don’t know what I wanna be. Do you?”

“Yeah!” Luke’s eyes lit up in the afternoon sun and his lips curved into possibly the biggest smile to ever be seen. He bounced a little as he walked and his hands flew out in front of him as he said, “I’m gonna be a rockstar! I’ll sing and play a guitar and have a really cool band. I’ll be so rich and famous I could buy all of Australia!”

Despite Luke’s contagious excitement, you grew quiet, kicking away a pebble. Luke continued to share his dream as you walked the rest of the way home. As you approached the houses, you could each see Mrs. Hemmings through the kitchen window and the smell of dinner wafted out of the open front door. “Luke,” you began, stopping Luke from walking. “When you’re a famous rockstar, promise you won’t forget me.”

Luke cocked his head to the side but his smile never faded. “Of course I won’t forget you! You’re my best friend in the whole world. I could never forget you.” His arms wrapped around you, tugging you close as he tried to hug the worry out of you. “Hey, maybe you can be my maid.” Luke giggled as he was pushed away.

“Then I would have to clean up after you! I’ll never be your maid!” You squealed and ran to your front door and Luke ran to his.

“You’ll change your mind when you see the paycheck!”

“Hello? Earth to Y/N!” You shook your head as the memory faded and the current world took its place. Luke rolled his eyes and shoved your shoulder, gesturing to the man waiting to take your order.

“Oh, I’m sorry.” You mumbled before giving him your order. The other people at the table laughed which only caused you to roll your eyes. “Will you four shut up?” You and Luke were no longer seven like you were in your memory but most things didn’t change. He still told you horrible jokes when you were upset, you still played rock-paper-scissors when you couldn’t decide who got shotgun, and you were still best friends. Just like Luke told you all those years ago, he became a rockstar. He got to sing and play guitar with a ‘really cool’ band. As Luke’s best friend, Michael, Calum, and Ashton easily became your other best friends and you continued to be the number one 5 Seconds of Summer fan. Out of all of them, excluding Luke, you were the closest to Ashton. He was very easy to get along with; his only flaw is that he had this outlandish idea that you were in love with Luke.

“What were you thinking about anyway?” Ashton asked, sipping his coffee. There was a glint in his eyes that you couldn’t quite place. Maybe it was mischief or maybe the morning light was changing things.

“Just when Luke and I were kids and he told me he was going to be a rockstar.”

“And I offered to let you be my maid but you refused my offer.” Luke chuckled and bumped your shoulder again.

Michael snorted and rolled his eyes. “So even as a child Y/N didn’t want to put up with your bullshit.” The table erupted with laughs and Luke’s arm wrapped around your shoulder, tugging you close to his chest as he smooshed your cheeks together between his fingers. You giggled and jabbed your fingers into his sides, causing him to squeal and let you go. Luke continued to giggle and the sound made your heart warm. His laugh was easily your favorite sound in the world. If you ever had a horrible day, all you needed was to hear Luke’s laugh to turn your day around. A smile easily appeared on your face as you looked to your left to see Luke smiling back at you. You stayed like that for a moment until the waiter came back and set your brunch in front of you.

Before you dug into your meal, you could have sworn you saw Ashton nudge Calum while smirking in your direction.

...

“I feel like I just ate my body weight in pancakes.” Calum groaned and slouched down in his chair. A murmur of agreement came from the others around the table before Ashton cleared his throat.

“We can always work off brunch by going on a walk.” You couldn’t help but to roll your eyes; of course Ashton would be the one to suggest a walk. With their own sounds of disapproval, the boys shook their heads. “Oh come on. There’s a nice park close by.”

Luke sighed and shrugged. “I’m sure it’s nice Ash but taking a walk in the park isn’t going to be easy for us.” He had a point. It was hard for any of the boys to go places without their pictures being taken or getting stopped. Of course they loved getting to talk to fans but sometimes they just wanted to have a normal day.

“Fine if you three won’t come with, will you Y/N?” Ashton asked, his bottom lip jutting out in a pout as he leaned across the table, taking your hands into his. You were going to agree with him that a walk sounded wonderful but you didn’t even have the chance to answer him. “Great!” He tugged you away from the table, gathering your things for you before he rushed off towards the park.

“Well,” you began with a sigh, glancing back at Luke. “Guess I’ll see you guys after my walk. See you later Mike, Cal, Bubs.” With that, you ran after Ashton, punching his shoulder when you caught up to him. “What was that for? I was going to go with you so you didn’t need to force me.”

Ashton shrugged and threw his arm around your shoulders. “I wanted to talk to you without anyone snooping and since the other three didn’t want to come, it seemed like a good chance to talk.”

Your heart pounded in your chest and your hands grew clammy. You had nothing to be scared of but you couldn’t help how your fight or flight instinct kicked in and right about now, you were ready to run away as fast as you could. “About what?”

A soft chuckle rumbled through his chest at your question. “I just wanted to ask if you thought you were being slick.” What? You stopped walking and looked over at him. What on earth was he talking about? You must have looked as confused as you felt because he continued. “I mean you really don’t think we can’t tell about your little crush right? Luke might be dense but not everyone else is.”

A groan escaped your lips and you rolled your eyes, continuing your walk as your heart rate returned to normal. “How many times do I have to tell you, I don’t have a crush on Luke.”

“Of course you do Y/N. You always sit next to him, you’re constantly touching him, and god the dopey look you get when you look at him. You can’t tell me you never felt anything more than friendship.”

Ashton looked ready to continue but a group of young girls walked over and asked for photos. You’ve never been more thankful for fans than you were in that moment. Luke was just your friend and that was it. There was no other emotion and Ashton needed to let it go. Of course there was that time he was dared to kiss you.

You were both 16 and hormones mostly controlled your brain. In only a few short weeks, your boys would be going off to tour with One Direction. You were flooded with pride when Luke told you about the tour and you both promised to spend as much time together as you could before he left. You and the four boys crammed yourselves into Luke’s bedroom, stuffing your faces with snacks and giggling at the horrible dares you all came up with. At some point, Michael dared Calum to slow dance with Luke’s brother Jack and while he did it, the dare was lame.

“Luke, your turn. Truth or dare.” Calum asked, leaning against the bed as he tried to throw some popcorn into his mouth.

“I’ll go with dare.” Luke chuckled and leaned over, elbowing you in the side. “Cal has the worst dares so it can’t be that bad.”

Calum smirked and took a quick glance at Ashton before speaking. “Well then, I dare you to kiss Y/N.” Silence filled the room as you and Luke looked at each other. You could feel your body start to heat up and you told yourself it was just because you were embarrassed, not because you liked Luke. Luke looked as red as you felt and you wondered if he was just scared or if there was something else. But you quickly shot that thought down; Luke was your best friend so certainly he didn’t have any feelings for you. Which was great because you didn’t have any towards him.

“Pick a different dare Calum. I can’t kiss Y/N, they haven’t kissed anyone before.” It was true. You had never kissed anyone before and it didn’t bother you since it doesn’t matter when you kiss someone. But was that really the only reason Luke didn’t want to kiss you? Calum did just say that he had to kiss you, not shove his tongue down your throat. Luke looked between you and Calum, trying to figure out just what to do. Calum shrugged and crossed his arms over his chest, watching Luke begin to lose his mind. “Is this alright with you? If you don’t want this then we don’t have to.”

You nodded and rubbed your hands on the carpet. “It’s fine Bubs. At least my first kiss will be with someone that actually cares about me and not some jerk.” You said with a nervous laugh, hoping that Luke wouldn’t be upset that you were fine with it.

“Right, ok then.” Luke mumbled and scooted over to you, his shaky hands coming to rest on your cheeks. “I’m gonna kiss you now.” You nodded and Luke took one last look at Calum over his shoulder before he leaned in. His lips quickly pressed against yours and you were surprised at how soft they were. You were also surprised at how nice and natural it felt to have his mouth moving against yours; you didn’t want it to end. He was warm and the way his lips fit yours almost perfectly was new and wonderful. You weren’t exactly sure what a kiss was supposed to feel like but you felt light and like you were floating on a cloud. Everything around you faded away and in that moment, it was just you and Luke, lip locked. Quickly and suddenly, Luke pulled away and sat back in his spot, rubbing his lips with his fingers. His face was flushed an even darker shade of red and the room suddenly felt like it was 50 degrees hotter. The other three boys giggled and Ashton winked at you.

“So how was your first kiss?” Michael snorted and looked at Luke who was looking at anything but you. How were you supposed to answer that? You certainly weren’t going to tell anyone how nice it felt but you couldn't say it was bad and hurt Luke.

“It was a kiss? How was it supposed to feel?” You decided it was a good enough answer.

“No fireworks? No butterflies or tingling sensations?” Ashton asked, leaning forward. Maybe that was a good way to describe your feelings but before you could come up with a lie, Luke jumped to his feet and ran out the door, mumbling about getting water. You glared and shoved Ashton as you ran after Luke, catching up to him in the kitchen.

“Are you alright?” You whispered, feeling like anything louder would break open a dam of emotions you weren’t ready to tackle. Luke sighed and leaned against the counter, gesturing for you to do the same.

“I should be asking you that. I just took your first kiss because of a dumb game.” He shoved his hands into his jean pockets and rocked on the balls of his feet. “Are you ok?”

“Of course.” It was a lie. You didn’t feel fine at all. You were confused and worried about just how nice that kiss was. “Luke if I wasn’t alright with it then I would have said something.” He nodded but remained quiet. For a few moments, neither of you talked or moved; you just watched the cars out the window as they drove by. “So, are you alright?”

Luke nodded and turned, looking at you for the first time in ten minutes. “I am, I just don’t want this to mess anything up or ruin our friendship. I mean I just kissed you, it was a little weird.” He laughed.

Right. He didn’t feel anything for you and so of course this was weird for him. Not that it wasn’t weird for you too because you didn’t like him. You rolled your eyes, shoving your confusion down for the time being and elbowed Luke. “Nothing is going to change our friendship, not even a weird kiss.”

Luke smiled and bumped his shoulder against yours. Despite telling yourself that you felt nothing towards your best friend, you couldn’t stop the queasy feeling in your stomach as Luke looked at you. You must have eaten something weird because there was no way you were feeling butterflies. “Let’s get back to the guys. Maybe we can make Calum kiss Michael as payback.”

You blinked away the memory, feeling Ashton’s eyes on you. The fans must have left when you were zoned out since you didn’t see anyone around. “So, you’re sure you don’t like Luke?”

“Yes Ashton. I’m sure so can you drop it?”

“I’ll drop it when you realize you’re in denial.” He said with a shrug while you both continued on your walk.

“It isn’t denial. You’re just imagining things.”

...

A week later, Luke texted you and the other boys about a party he was going to throw at his house. He didn’t tell you exactly why he wanted to throw a party but he did mention he had an announcement and an important question for you. Your first thought was that he was going to ask you out but you convinced yourself that you were just confused. Ashton refused to back off and he constantly told you that you were in denial. At this point, you almost believed him.

The night of the party, you got dressed and waited for Ashton to pick you up. He was out picking up some drinks so he told you he would pick you up and drive you home. Well, he didn’t exactly say he would drive you home. He was positive that a certain blonde boy would be inviting you to stay the night with him tonight. Ashton must be confused because Luke wasn’t going to ask you out. He’s still so hurt from his last relationship that ended only a few months ago.

The sound of your phone ringing had woken you up late one night. Normally you would have ignored the call but when you saw Luke’s name light up on the screen, you answered. “Luke? What is it? It’s three in the morning.” He didn’t answer but on the other end, you could hear his sniffles and what sounded like a choked sob. “Luke? Bubs what is it? Talk to me.”

“She cheated on me.” He sounded so small and broken; fury rushed through your veins. You never liked his girlfriend but he was happy with her. Now that all has changed. You threw your blankets off your bed and tugged on a jacket and some slippers.

“I’ll be there in five minutes.” His soft reply was almost too hard to hear before he hung up the phone. All you wanted to do was find this girl and beat her into the ground but Luke needed you. He was always a sensitive boy and this was going to crush him. He cried watching Finding Nemo as a 23 year old for god’s sake; how was he going to survive this? You quickly ran out the door and made your way to Luke’s house as quickly as you could. When you pulled up, you fumbled with your keys, searching for the one he had given you. Finally you found it and unlocked the door, coming in to see Luke on the couch, surrounded by broken furniture and staring blankly at the wall. Wordlessly, you stepped over the mess and sat next to him, pulling his head to rest on your chest. As soon as he made contact, the tears poured out and his body quaked as the sobs tore out of his throat. Your hands found his hair, combing through the curls in a hope to comfort him. There was nothing you could say to make this better, you both knew that. All you could do was hold him until he was ready to talk.

Almost an hour later, the tears stopped flowing and Luke grew quiet once more. “Want some water?” You asked, drying his face with the sleeves of your jacket. He nodded but when you went to stand, he clung onto you, making you stumble and fall back onto the couch. “I have to stand to get you water Bubs. You can come with.” Luke nodded once more and let you go just long enough for you both to stand before his hand gripped yours, keeping you close. It was hard to avoid stepping on broken glass with the giant man holding onto you but you both managed to get into the kitchen. Once you filled a cup with water, he took it from your grasp, sipping at it as he looked at the mess around you both. The kitchen wasn’t much better as you could see crushed mugs and even a blender on the floor. “Do you want to talk about it? You don’t have to.” Your free hand came back to his hair, brushing it out of his face. You almost expected him to refuse but slowly, he started talking.

“I came home from a party, she didn’t want to go, said she felt sick.” He swallowed thickly and you began to rub his back, encouraging him to continue but not pushing him. “Some asshole was all over her on the couch. Half naked. His hands were,” he took a shaky breath before continuing on a new topic. “She told me it was an accident but how could it have been? He was in my house.” At this, tears fell once more but he continued to talk. “I threw a vase at them. He left and she started yelling and throwing things at me. Said it was my fault she cheated. That she wouldn’t have to if I was around more. We threw more things and then she packed up her shit and she’s gone.”

“Oh god Luke. I’m so sorry.” You took your hand out of his grasp and rested your hands on his cheeks. “What can I do?” He was going to be hurt for a while and nothing could change that. But if there was something, anything, that would make him hurt just a little less, you would do it.

“Can you stay the night? I don’t want to be alone.” He sounded like a child, coming to his parent’s room, asking to sleep with them. You leaned in and kissed his forehead before nodding.

“Of course Bubs. Anything you need, I’ll do it.”

Three sharp knocks on your door broke you out of your trance and you scrambled over to the door, unsure of how long the person had been there. When the door opened, you smiled at Ashton. “Ready to be fashionably late to the party?” He chuckled as he took you to his car. The first half of the drive was pretty quiet, filled with the sounds of the radio. “So,” Ashton began, smiling widely, “how’s the water in denial?”

“What?” You could only assume he was still on his bullshit about you liking Luke but you could never tell with Ashton.

“Denial. You know since you still refuse to believe Luke likes you. He told me he had an important question to ask you tonight so you’d better admit your feelings to yourself fast before he asks you out. He’s in love with you Y/N.”

“You don’t even know if that’s the question Ash.”

“No, I suppose not.” Despite his words, the smile never left his face. Maybe he knew something you didn’t. Was it possible that Luke wanted to ask you out tonight? Maybe Luke had some secret romantic feelings for you that Ashton knew about. Maybe you had some romantic feelings for him. Ashton stopped the car outside of Luke’s house and smirked at you. “Just be ready for anything tonight.”

It was actually a pretty small party which surprised you. It looked like Luke had only invited friends and a few other people in the music industry, which was fine. You actually liked the smaller parties since it felt more normal and not like a rager thrown by a rockstar. Ashton grabbed your arm and dragged you into the house, looking for Luke. He wasn’t too hard to find since he was taller than at least 90% of the people here. He was standing in the living room with Michael and Calum by his side. “You’re here!” Luke cheered, and pulled you in for a hug. “I’m so excited for tonight. I can’t wait to talk to you.”

Butterflies, yes butterflies, jumped around your stomach as you listened to him talk. Shit. Maybe you really did like him. Was it possible that all this time you had just been in denial like Ashton thought? You always found Luke attractive but you never dared to think of him in a more than friendly way. His white shirt only brought out the blue of his eyes that much more and dear lord did his hair look perfect. “Lukey!” A squeal broke you out of your thoughts and from the other side of the room, a girl ran over. You had never seen her before and while you didn’t know all of Luke's friends, you thought you knew most of them. The girl jumped and Luke caught her in his arms before he leaned in and kissed her. Yeah, he was definitely kissing her. Your heart completely shut down as you watched his lips move against hers. He slowly set her back on her feet and with a sheepish smile, he looked back at you and the boys.

“This is what I wanted to tell you guys. This is my girlfriend, Nicole.” All at once, you could feel your heart shatter into a million pieces and your gut dropped down to your feet. That’s not possible. How does Luke have a girlfriend? You watched as he wrapped his arm around her waist, pulling her flush against his side as she kissed his cheek. That should be you. You should be the one jumping into his arms and kissing him. He should be holding you like that, not her. Who did she think she was? Was she just dating Luke for the fame and money? Was she using him? You felt a hand on your arm and looked over to see Ashton, who looked like he had seen a ghost. He was wrong. Luke didn’t love you at all. He loved Nicole.

“Y/N? Are you ok?” Ashton whispered, trying to get you to look away from the couple.

“Denial.” You whispered, unsure if the words actually even left your mouth.

“What?”

“Denial Ash. It was denial.” Without another word, you turned and ran out of the house. What the fuck?

Taglist: (Please let me know if you want to be removed)

@lustingfor5sos @mycollectionofnuts @ohhmuke @softboycal @norawashere @who-do-you-love-5sos @aftermidnightclifford @katiaw2 @littlesinnersins @bbyboyycal @rosecoloredash

#luke hemmings #luke 5sos #luke hemmings fanfiction #luke hemmings fanfic #luke hemmings x reader #5sos #5 seconds of summer

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flow-green · 3 years

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Fresh dog onwer and a Fuck-It-Diet

Slowly I am crawling out from my black hole. Few months of silence has been broken. I disappeared for a bit due to quite severe reason. I will not reveal it here in details, if anyone is interested, feel free to DM me :). It was not related to my ED. Life just happened and decided to throw quite a tricky challenge on my way, which luckily got solved in a positive way, and within March I managed to pick myself back up again.

These two months were quite adventurous and opened my eyes on many levels. I started to appreciate more what and who surrounds me and how dear and important my family and close ones are to me. I realized that I hurt them with my self-destructive behavior and this constant worrying over me is an unnecessary burden and a source for stress. So, I am really grateful for this experience. More and more I have started to let go of the restrictions and demons in my head and slowly move towards a mentality that my body is my own temple, my own home and serves me and myself only, and not someone else. Or, well, perhaps in an uncertain future it will be a temporary home for another person, so I should really take care of my body.

These last two weeks have opened my eyes even more, because by a happy accident I stumbled upon a book, but more on that a bit later. First, I would like to tell you about one of the biggest changes of my life, which has brought so much happiness and positivity to our lives. Namely, we now have a new family member. No, I did not have a baby (a bit ironic in this context...), but now there is a constant cheerful pit-a-pat on our floor, made by four cute little paws. On February 16 we got an unexpected opportunity to get a dog! Charlie has now been with us almost 2 months, 2 amazing months. In his quite unique size and unknown breed (we suspect a fox is somehow involved...) he has turned us into these crazy dog lady and sir, you know, like a crazy cat lady.

I think if people saw us right now just the three of us in our natural habitat, they would never ever dare to do any official busines with us.

Anyhow, here he is. Charlie even has his own Instagram account (another sign that we definitely are not normal)

Mr. Dog has a massive amount of dog fur which happily floats all over the house and if we vacuum the entire place on Wednesday morning, all the fur bunnies have taken their natural place back to themselves.

Charlie is cool. With his happy face he rides with us to all the places around the country, he loves car rides. Every weekend we go to some new place in Estonia to explore, our 10 km (over 6 miles) hikes have become our cool new habit. One morning was especially special. We both lost our sleep around 4 AM in the morning and after an hour of chit chat in the bed while Charlie still slept between us (yes, he is a heavy sleeper and definitely not a morning person and yes, he sleeps in our bed. Deal with it), we decided that enough of bedtime and no more sleep. let’s wake up as the sun will rise at 6 AM. Let’s make some breakfast and lunch to go, watch the sunrise with coffee and then go to an early hike in Käsmu, around the epic seaside in Northern Estonia. Done deal. This was one of the most amazing days in my life.

Charlie is just like a therapy dog. Every time when I feel like breaking down in tears, I hug Charlie tight and let him comfort me with his soft cuddles and confident and wise eyes. All the sorrow and worries are gone. Charlie has also made us so active physically. We take several longer or shorter walks throughout the day. I have started to really love walking and running again and for me, for myself, and not for calories or for punishment. I am not counting distance or pace anymore. Every evening I fall asleep, happily excited about my upcoming morning run. I truly enjoy every last step I take.

But, as I promised, a few lines about my new ‘diet’ called The Fuck It Diet. Recently, I pampered myself with another e-reader and this motivated me to search some books which are suggested for people struggling with eating disorders. ‘The Fuck It Diet’ popped up and caught my eye. I managed to get it as an e-book and eagerly dug the pages in. The first lines already made my jaw drop: at first with anger towards the stated facts and later on because of complete understanding.

This book has totally topsy-turvy’ed my views as it describes my current situation in exquisite correct details. My whole belief system about diets, eating habits and weight numbers have completely changed. The whole book teaches you how to get rid of food addiction, self-esteem issues and obsession about body image and weight.

Why have I spent over 10 years battling with anorexia, bulimia and binge eating disorder? Why do I relapse in my hardest moments and total body hating world into an absurd calorie restriction, where I lose 6+ kg in 2 months, can keep myself skinny, yet sad for maximum 3-4 months, because I will not allow myself to eat anything as I want to lose even more to keep some buffer weight, then get tired and surrender and then eat back all those lost pounds and even more within few weeks? Why can’t I lose weight if I decide that instead of starving myself instead, I will go on some new diet, but this gives no result, weight will not drop, I get frustrated and get back to purging out food or get back to bingeing? Why does this wheel go round, and round and my weight will keep fluctuating vigorously and never stabilizes? Who do I go from one extreme to another? I have punished and scolded myself for years. I have tried to search or reasons: perhaps my genes are messed up and I am forever destined to keep my intake at 500 calories, so I can keep myself in that sweet spot of underweight and normal weight (because that is the only acceptable weight range for me. Sick, isn’t it?)

And then I got my answer: it is not about me or my genes. It’s because of these diets, no matter how beautiful the creators have painted them. It’s because human body has not meant to follow absurd rules about eating, be it fasting, LCHF, keto, paleo, raw vegan, or even mindful eating (eat slow! Rate your hunger! It’s under 10? You are not about to collapse from hunger? Good, drink some lemon water instead. See? Another bunch of rules to stress your brain out).

Most people commute from one diet to another, follows the rules and counts the calories for few months and then a relapse enters. it always does. Then, you will buy another diet plan, which promises even better results. You will haul for absurdly expensive foods like nut butters, almond flour, coconut oil. You replace your favorite foods with some silly alternative. You Google why the hell do I have a massive craving for Chocolate, which of course is your forbidden food. Google tells you have a magnesium deficiency (which might actually be true you know), but the solution: eat 12 almonds and forget about the chocolate. Be honest, that answer frustrates you a bit, deep down. So, instead to go and buy the damn chocolate and make your brain shut up, you force the craving down because FORBIDDEN! But at some point, you still go, buy the chocolate, eat it, and then promise yourself that now you will not touch another piece of chocolate once in upcoming months, will also restrict your intake a few weeks and eat your almonds. And are miserable. And then you eat some more chocolate. And are miserable again. Round and round, it goes.

And you gain those 10 pounds back. WHY, for the love of god?

Simple: your body has no clue whatsoever anymore, what the hell is going on. Years and years, you have kept your body in an unnatural state of starving, famine. Dietary culture has taught us that in order to lose weight all nice, you need to keep yourself in a calorie deficit and this should be around 1200-1500 cals in a day, maximum calorie intake cannot be more than 2000. You count every bite, every mouthful, you write it all down to MyFitnessPal. You eat your food, but you still crave for something more and are already worried about your next meal: can I eat something soon? What can I eat for dinner? Dude, you JUST ate, and you SHOULD feel full. If you don’t, there is obviously a problem. If you are full and STILL want something, there is obviously a problem. And your body is screaming at you the only solution. You worry about food 85% of your day (for me it was 100%, yes, even when I was having sex. Just SPECTACULARLY awesome!)

Body is not stupid. Body now has been taught that no matter what, there is always a next diet and famine state around every corner all the time. Body is scared. Body listens to the brain which constantly repeats those endless rules about eating. No chocolate, no pizza, bread is bad, cheese is bad, ice cream?! Are you stupid? Only a mango sorbet, something sugar free and watery or even better: make your own ice cream from banana (but remember, only HALF A banana!). Forbidden fruit is always the sweetest and then you will go and buy 2 liters of ice cream and eat it all in one go. You will torture yourself afterwards because ice cream is forbidden. You cannot eat it; you need to restrict and go for a 20-k run.

Now comes the most sillies, but the most logical fact: in order to break the cycle, there is only one simple solution: EAT! Everything. A lot. Eat it all that you have craved for years and years and have vetoed. Eat your cravings. Eat even when you are not hungry. Just eat whenever you feel like it. Eat until you are absolutely 100% satisfied and say honestly: no more. This process can take weeks, months, even years, depending on the individual. People in the book describe how they needed three whole years to reprogram their body back to its natural cycle. And it is scary, boy it’s scary. But you just need to take the leap into the water full speed, no splashing with your toes a bit to test the water. The faster you jump, the faster you get the wheels running. Result? Body calms down. Brain can finally rest and reprogram itself back to the way it must be. No food is forbidden anymore (unless you have a severe nut allergy. Please do not eat nuts if you might actually die). The brain now knows that whenever it wants something, it can actually get it, no strings attached, and calms down.

Yes, your will gain weight, sorry, this is not all strawberries and cream (yum, now I want strawberries and cream, will get some for dinner). At first, your body will not trust you. Would you trust yourself if you have been treated miserably for years? It is certain that it’s a trick and another diet is just around the corner. It takes time for it to calm down and start functioning the way it was meant to be. Weight will go up until the body heals and then... it will stop, the weight will naturally balance out, probably even go back down between the weight set points that everyone has, depending on your body and personal physical factor. I know that my middle goldilocks zone is about 5-6 kg more than my absolute lowest weight (right now I am around 10 kg heavier than my all time lowest and it is still in between my weight set points) and I am now completely okay with that number.

And I have now practiced this approach for half a week. Day before yesterday I had some Hesburger (McDonalds basically; had a vegan burger with FRIES), yesterday I ordered myself a vegan pizza without a second thought, with vegan cheese and everything, the whole package. I have now eaten ice cream for 4 days straight (one of my biggest forbidden foods), some vegan desserts. And yesterday I had my first shocking moment. I bought myself another ice cream after the pizza and right after I had bought it, I realized, that I actually do not want it right now. I have no craving. I got home and threw it in the freezer. After my dinner of soup and grilled cheese (!!!), I decided that I am going to eat the ice cream now. I had eaten half of it when I felt that I don’t want it anymore. I still finished it as it was a really small cone, but it was clearly more than enough. The rest of the evening I had no more cravings at all, no hunger. I didn’t even think about food anymore. I just enjoyed the movie with my SO and Charlie. Usually after dinner I was already overthinking about my next meal that was obviously hours away in the morning as no food after 6 PM and I definitely want something as breakfast is so far away, and besides, I try to postpone breakfast anyway as much as possible because intermittent fasting 16 hours +, which made me especially cranky and created countless of mornings with fights and tears with my SO. But now... no cravings and hunger for the entire night. Today morning I woke up with stomach still full from last night. I did not think about foo. Few hours later I bought some oatmeal, carrots, and hummus – and not because it is super healthy, and I am not allowed to eat anything else. No. I actually had a massive craving for carrots and hummus and oatmeal. For lunch, we decided to take some local hand-made burgers. I ordered vegan burger, but as a naked version without buns. Once again, not because empty forbidden bread calorie, but because I actually wanted that hearty vegan patty to sit on a pile of fresh leafy greens, peppers, tomatoes, and cucumbers. My stomach was still quite full of carrot snacks and past dew days’ fast food. I had no inner battle about this with craving vs forbidden food. Nope, I actually did not want any bread or bun.

That was around 3 PM. And hours later I am still full. Back then I had a sever fear over next meal or even a desperate need for additional snack (a forbidden chocolate, ice cream or something similar), but nooo, forbidden, which made the craving and fear even worse.

I have not thought about food today anymore, except now that I write this.

I have gained weight, yes, and it scares me to the core, and I confessed this few days ago to my SO. He looked at me with surprised eyes and said that to be honest, he has not even noticed I have gained, he only realizes this when I have days with severe low self-esteem and when I try to hide my naked body. I think the gain is around 5-6 kg (over 10 pounds), which is not even that big of a deal. Of course, I see and know I have gained, because my clothes now fit kind of perfectly, some rare pieces are a bit tight (I’m in XS-S size, 4-6, and clothes used to be kind of baggy even. Girl, do you need more proof that you are NOT FAT?), my legs are not super-tight sticks with a thigh cap and my collar bones do not press out. I have now extra inches on my body and probably this is the most difficult thing to accept. Recently, I saw over years that the first weight number of 5 has turned into 6 (in kg), over night, which means it was probably water weight from weekend of drinking and salty foods, so this means the actual one is still few kg lower, but the fear is still very real and at that moment I realized that I am tired of crying over a pair of numbers. I am so done. On this day, I asked my partner to hide the scale so I would not now where it is. I went for my morning run and when I came back, I saw him grinning and the scale had disappeared.

On Saturday we went to a birthday party. There was a hot tab with out-doors transportable sauna. Everyone was wild from happiness, except me. I had my bikini with me but for few days already I had stressed out that I will not join the tub, I will not expose my fat body like that. But my friend suggested me to break down the stubbornness, overcome my fears and just do it. No one will judge me, nobody notices, nobody even cares. All those fears are demons in my head. At the party I was sure that I will not go. But then, at some point, I gave myself a mental kick on the butt and went for it. And I am not sorry. I had a blast! Didn’t seem like anyone was giving me looks from head to toes and judged me with their eyes ‘god she is fat!’

This week has been tough, but I now have so many small wins in my bag and overcoming several problems - something I thought I can never do. My motivation has skyrocketed. I could never believe that there might be a time where I am not thinking about food so obsessively. Of course, I know that this is just the beginning of my healing and a long way is to go. I do believe it takes months to amend the damage done in over 10 years.

One of my first fears when reading the book was: What if I eat myself to the absurd size of 400 lbs. seen in those scary reality shows. And my brain gave me the logical answer right away: those 400pound people are also mentally sick, obsessive over food. They have eaten themselves to the slaves of food from very early stage of their lives, being influenced by family, social environment and whatnot, but I am only in my early thirties and 80% of my life I have eaten well-balanced foods and been in the normal weight range, some years I struggled with slight overweight due to puberty and stress from massive changes in life, but this sorted itself out naturally as I got rid of the puberty hormones and stress, weight fluctuated minimally, until I hurled myself head first to the world of diets and eating disorders,

So, most definitely I cannot eat myself to a 400 lbs., it is not physically possible. Perhaps the most real case scenario would be me gaining to 65 kg +, which is coming close to small obesity, but even this is not highly possible as I see that when eating normally, I cannot fit that much food in me and when my metabolism actually heals, the weight should stabilize out and probably even go down a bit. That would actually be a dream: that it will stop going up AND DOWN. I really want that mental and physical stability back.

I miss a normal life. I am in a seriously perfect relationship which has been really close on the edge of abyss because of my sickly behavior. I have gambled with so many good things in my life and almost lost it all. Enough, seriously. I have

#thefuckitdiet #ed #ed recovery #eating disoder recovery #My Story #my journey

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cakesunflower · 5 years

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Rooftop Rendezvous [C.H. One Shot]

A/N: if any of you have read my one shot Sweetheart, you’ll see this is kind of familiar in the way that this is kind of reader insert but doesn’t exclusively use “Y/N”. i began writing this in March but never really finished it until now yeeeet. hope you enjoy 6k of whatever this is hehe happy reading!!

The sky was clear as she stepped onto the roof, the metal door creaking behind her as it swung shut with a clang. But her arrival didn’t faze the man across the roof, leaning forward on the railing as billows of smoke escaped him, back still towards her. She slowly made her way over, her heels clicking on the ground and fingers wrapped around her half drunk flute of champagne. It wasn’t too cold out, despite the latest weather in New York, shivers only running down her spine when a breeze blew, goosebumps rising on her exposed legs thanks to the full sleeved dress she was adorning.

“You realize the party downstairs is for you, right?” she called out, her voice not exactly cutting sharply through the quiet of the night, save for the distant sounds of cars honking, but more like gliding through the air in her lilting tone.

Calum glanced at her over his shoulder, the corners of his lips quirking up as she neared him. She wasn’t a fan of staying too long at a party if she wasn’t drunk enough, just like him. She came up to his left, elegantly sipping from her glass as she noticed his on resting on the brick railing. Calum looked back out ahead, the lights of the buildings around them, the one they occupied taller than the rest, and the streets below providing a soft glow to his features. “Fresh air’s good for the soul,” he said before, ironically, bringing his cigarette to his lips.

The sight of his cheeks hollowing around the small stick sparked her own craving for one. “Can I get one?”

Calum glanced at her before leaving the cigarette dangling between his full lips and reaching into the pockets of his slacks, the glittering sequences on the side glimmering, as he pulled out his packet, flicking the top open with his thumb. She grabbed one, placing it between her lips and Calum replaced the pack with his lighter, bringing it up and flicking it on. The embers of the small flame glowed against her face, shadowing her lips and cheekbones and long lashes that Calum admired, as she leaned in to catch the end of the cigarette to light it.

She took a drag, eyes on Calum’s profile, taking in the sweep of his lashes and the sharpness of his jaw, along with the way he licked his lips after blowing out a puff of smoke, the smell of nicotine dancing in the air. “You guys did really well today,” she hummed conversationally, hip resting against the railing as she faced him, though her eyes did sweep over the city below. “The song sounds great live.”

His lips curled upwards at the compliment, gaze shifting to her appreciatively. They’d just performed their newest single on Jimmy Fallon, and currently the band was out celebrating the success of the performance along with their last night in New York City. She felt lucky enough to be with them on this small promotional trip, being one of the band’s closest friends as well as having no pressing work at home. She always loved an opportunity watching her friends do what they did best. Watching them perform, whether it be the first or the hundredth, was always an experience.

“Thanks,” Calum said, the raspy sound filled with genuinity before the small smile widened. The cigarette danced between his fingers, the ends of his short blonde hair swaying against the breeze as he added, “Saw you dancing off on the side. Had me laughing in the middle of the second chorus.”

At that, her cheeks flushed with heat, thankful for the lack of lighting on the roof because she was sure her face was red. The mirth was dancing in Calum’s dark eyes, clearly finding amusement in her embarrassment as his smiling lips wrapped around the cigarette to take another drag. She looked away, the sight of him damn near ethereal and breathtaking, as she mumbled, “It’s a catchy fucking song. Excuse me for enjoying it.”

Calum’s cheeks pushed up as he laughed, sucking his lower lip in as he did so and adorable crinkles appearing at the corners of his eyes as he held his left arm out to her. “Nah, come on. I loved it,” he assured with a sweet smile, and she let him drape his arm around her shoulders to pull her into his side, her purse caught between their thighs.

Instantly she felt warm, the heat of his body sinking into hers as he rested his cheek against the top of her head. Her heart was picking up its pace, pounding through her entire body that she was almost afraid that Calum would feel it. His expensive cologne mixed in with the smell of cigarettes, the scent utterly pleasing as she subtly, quietly, breathed it in. She’d be lying if she said she didn’t enjoy this kind of closeness with the bassist. She’d be lying if she said she didn’t want more.

It was a dance they’ve been doing, starting in the last few months since the band returned to Los Angeles after their tour finished. Her and Calum. . . There’d always been something, but neither of them ever paid it any attention, gave it much thought. They enjoyed each other’s company, loved the friendship they developed over the years, but that’s all it ever was. Lingering looks were often missed by the other, subtle touches never thought of as intimate out of fear of misinterpreting the situation. But the affection was always present, without fail.

“You loved me making a fool of myself?” she scoffed lightly, raising the cigarette to her lips as she added, bemused, “Shocker.”

Calum rolled his dark eyes, fingers lightly dancing over her upper arm. “No,” he insisted, glancing down at her. “I loved looking to the side and watching you enjoy yourself to music I helped create. Always have, doll.”

His words were only serving to intensify the heat on her cheeks, the cigarette she was nursing not at all helping the situation as the butterflies tickled her stomach. Suddenly his cologne was overwhelming her in the best ways. Still, she kept her cool as she lightly nudged his side with her elbow. “I think you mean you love me stroking your ego,” she quipped back with a small smirk.

Lips twitching, Calum hummed, “That too,” before letting out a laugh when she let out a scoff and pushed him away. Calum laughed, not even budging as she went to take a step away from him but was prevented when his free hand grasped hers, pulling her back into him.

Still, she pulled her hand from his grasp with a small laugh, shifting so she was sitting on the top of the barrier around the roof, the only thing preventing her from falling right off the roof being the metal railing on top of it that pressed against her mid back. Calum stood in front of her, his eyes on her profile as she looked off to admire the city below. The lights danced on her face, a colorful glow lighting up her skin, and Calum felt a tugging in his heart. Almost like it was being pulled towards her, no matter how crazy that sounded.

He always thought she was gorgeous, often thought what it’d be like to feel her lips on his and what she’d taste like. How she’d feel against him in something more intimate than a hug. How her hands would feel on him in something more heated than passing touches and friendly high fives. All of these were quiet musings he kept to himself, not even telling the boys because she was all of their friend and didn’t dare let anything slip.

“Are you gonna miss New York?” she asked, soft voice breaking the silence that had settled, eyes still glimmering from the lights she was admiring.

Calum let out a quiet breath, shifting ever so slightly so he was standing in front of her, just a few inches away from her legs. “Yeah,” he answered truthfully, stubbing out his cigarette on the railing before flicking it off to the side. Then his own dark eyes swept over the buildings, bright in front of him or dark silhouettes in the distance. He squinted slightly as a light breeze blew against his face. “This city always treats us well. Love gettin’ lost in it.”

“It’s crazy, isn’t it?” she mused, turning her head to look up at Calum, a small smile dancing on her lips. “How the most lively city can also be the most peaceful?”

The curl of Calum’s lips widened at her words, eyes lighting up with gentle excitement, as if he was relieved that there was someone else who understood what he felt. “Yeah,” he nodded slowly as she took one last drag of her cigarette, blew out the smoke before stubbing it out and tossing it to the side. “’S like if I’m around people who don’t know who I am, I can just be me, y’know? Lost in a crowd of people who’ve got their own shit to focus on and just be left alone in my own head. No expectations or demands. Just me.”

“You’re a hard man to miss though, Cal,” she gently teased, hands on the railing next to her as she tilted her head up at him a bit. “You demand everyone’s attention everywhere you go.” Her smile widened, honest and beautiful as she shrugged. “It’s just who you are.”

Calum raised his dark eyebrows, her words sending a ripple of pleasant warmth through him as he took a step closer, his legs brushing against her knees. The proximity caused her to tilt her head a little bit more to maintain eye contact with the taller man. “I demand attention, hmm?” he mused, the smugness in his tone clear. Narrowing his dark eyes playfully, he found himself asking, “Do I demand your attention?”

She rolled her lips into her mouth, breath hitching in her throat under the weight of his gaze on her. His eyes were intense, as always, blonde hair dancing in the wind and she couldn’t help but think, not for the first time, it was a good look on him. But she was quickly being pulled back into the current conversation, into the way he was gazing at her, and she felt somewhat proud of her voice for remaining steady as she returned, “I’m a part of everyone, aren’t I?”

Calum’s full lips puckered thoughtfully for the briefest of moments before he gave a firm shake of his head. “No, you’re not.”

The small nervous smile that had appeared on her face faltered, looking up at the unfairly stunning man with a mildly taken aback expression. Her eyes flickered over his face, wondering if she’d missed something or could pick up a meaning behind his words other than the obvious, eyes glazing over the sight of his necklace dangling below his collarbones, his tattoos just barely peeking through the undone buttons of his black, starry button down.

But even the towering, gorgeous man in front of her couldn’t distract her from his words. Her voice was quiet, almost unsure. “I’m not?” When his small smirk reappeared, she let out a small nervous chuckle. “Careful, Cal, or you’ll be stroking my ego,” she added, picking up her glass and finishing off the rest of her champaign.

Calum grinned, lips pulling back to show off his unfairly straight teeth as he reached forward and gripped the metal railing on either side of her, rings clinking against them. His body was directly in front of her as he offered, “I’ll be your personal hype man.”

She laughed, looking up at him, trying not to focus on the way her heart was thundering at their sudden proximity. His legs were pressed against her knees and if she just parted them, he’d be able to stand in between. “Really?” she asked, just for the sake of saying something.

He played along. “It would be an honor.”

Raising a playfully skeptical eyebrow, the teasing tilt naturally returned to her voice as she said in a honeyed tone, “It’s not an easy feat. I require a lot of attention, you know.”

Some of the playfulness dissipated from Calum’s eyes, his smile lessening just a bit as a somewhat serious, honest expression took over his face. She could’ve sworn his eyes briefly dropped to her lips before meeting her eyes once more, her breath hitching when he spoke in a quiet rasp, “You already have all of mine.”

Her lips parted at that, staring up at him with her eyebrows raising, the heat on her cheeks intensifying. Did he really just say that? For a second, she wondered if she misheard him over the distant whistle of the wind and cars down below, but she knew she heard him right. Wondered if he meant it in the context she thought. She licked her lips, swallowed when she noticed Calum’s eyes track the movement before she found her voice again and asked, “Is that why you were watching me during your performance tonight?”

“Exactly.” She didn’t know why she expected a different answer, but her heart still skipped a beat nonetheless. She watched him, saw no signs of joking as Calum’s left hand lightly touched her knee, nudging it to the side so he could step between her legs. She didn’t fight it, parting them to make room for him, all the while her eyes never left his dark ones. “You’re bit of a distraction, doll. You demand my attention.”

Air expanded her lungs as she took in a deep breath, once again completely speechless by Calum’s words. She was aware her expression probably showed her astonishment, and while there were many times Calum kept his thoughts and feelings off of his face, this time she could see the honesty in his brown eyes, the softness in the gentle curve of his lips. But along with the honesty in his eyes, she could pick up something else swimming in them, darker and amorous that sent an electrifying buzz through her veins.

She demanded his attention? She almost wanted to laugh at the absurdity of the mere thought.

He’s the one everyone looked at. Not her.

Despite her sudden nerves over the situation, unsure of what was happening, she leaned back ever so slightly, mindful that she was sitting on the railing, peering up at Calum as she smiled coyly, “Flattery will get you everywhere, Cal.”

Truthfully, she wasn’t too sure of where that small burst of confidence came from to utter those words, but she didn’t regret them. Especially when she saw the subtle quirk in Calum’s eyebrow, looking both impressed and taken aback by her words before the boyish smirk on his face reappeared. Gone was the quiet aura that surrounded him when she first came onto the roof, replaced with an almost arrogant, knowing attitude as his gaze once again dropped to her lips for a heart stopping moment.

He tilted his head ever so slightly, sly in his smirk. “Really?” he questioned, though the tone of his voice told her he knew the answer already. “Everywhere?”

Oh, God, he was making it hard for her to breathe. “I would say so.” Her own gaze was lowering to his lips, which were inching closer with every passing second. Her tongue swiped across her lower lip, Calum’s eyes tracking the movement. “You can try your luck and find out, though.”

Calum’s lips parted as a breathy laugh escaped him, cool like the wind, as his left hand raised to comb his fingers through his blonde hair, the strands short between his ring clad fingers. He eyed her for a moment, brown eyes flickering between her eyes to pick out any signs of hesitance. Or any signs of whether or not she was just kidding around, if her words didn’t meant what he thought they meant. Or what he was hoping they meant.

He looked at her; practically ethereal with the city glowing behind her, the light breeze making her hair dance and allowing the scent of her intoxicating perfume to waft towards him. There was always something about her that drew Calum to her; at first he thought it was purely physical, given that she was absolutely gorgeous without question. But that was when they first met years ago. But as time went on and he got to know her more, more personally and emotionally, Calum was quick to understand that it was everything. She’d easily become one of his closest friends, and while normally Calum felt the destructive need to close himself off against anyone he may develop even the slightest hint of feelings for, that never happened with her.

Being with her was as easy as breathing, and Calum couldn’t believe it took him this long to finally greedily inhale her.

He took her up on her offer. Calum wasn’t quick or rushed about it; instead, his hands rested on her thighs, touching both the hem of her dress and her skin as slowly ducked his head. Their eyes were on each other as he did so, time seeming to go by excruciatingly slowly, noses brushing together gently before appropriately turning their heads and closing their eyes at the last second, just as their lips touched.

It was a gentle press of lips, but the heat it sparked within them both was explosive as they leaned into each other, sharp breaths sounding from both of them as they reveled in the electricity warming them both. Calum could already feel his head spinning, tasting the champagne and nicotine against her lips as he knew she could taste against his as well. The first kiss was soft, pressured press of lips before they pulled away ever so slightly, lips parted as hooded gazes eyed the other.

They searched each other’s eyes, looking for any signs of regret, anything that would give away that they thought this was a bad idea, that the other didn’t want to take this any further than it had already gone.

Foreheads pressed together, her eyes remained locked with his brown ones, the soft warmth she often saw replaced with something more wolfish, near primal that sent an exciting shiver down her spine. He looked so handsome, standing between her legs with his muscled arms caging her in, dark eyes glinting against the city lights. His full lips looked as soft as they felt and soon as her gaze dropped to them, the desire to kiss him returned—as if it ever left—in a breathtaking force.

So she closed the distance between them, connecting their lips more urgently as Calum felt her hands coming up to fist the front of his button down, using her grip to pull him close. The eagerness with which she kissed him with had Calum’s body tightening pleasurably, hands coming up to cup her face so his fingers could go into her hair, the cold metal of his rings against her warm skin causing her to gasp in surprise against his mouth.

Calum took the opportunity to skillfully slide his tongue against hers, deepening the kiss like they both desperately desired, his heart leaping in his chest at the soft moan that sounded at the back of her throat. It only urged him on, his front pressing against hers, and eventually moments later they needed to pull away, desperately needing some air.

His lips felt electric after kissing hers, trailing them down her jaw as he kissed at her skin, smirking when he felt one of her hands at the back of his head, fingers threading through the short blonde hair to keep him close when his stubble scratched at her. His own hands found her hips, his touch burning through the soft material of her dress and teeth nipping at a spot that had a breathless gasp escaping her and only fueling Calum on. Her head tipped back, mouth dropping open in silent sighs as the scruff decorating his chin only added to the sensation of his lips and teeth marking her.

The attention he was paying to her neck was setting her body on fire, no doubt, but she needed his lips on hers again, using her grip on his hair to lift his head and connect their lips once again.

Each movement of their lips had the kisses growing more desperate, needier, until Calum finally let out a low groan and pulled her off the railing. “C’mere,” he rasped, hand finding hers and disconnecting their lips before he pulled her along. She followed, heels clicking against the ground, taking notice of the square of his shoulders and the purposeful strides he walked in, catching sight of the clench in his jaw against the lights and shadows of the city.

As soon as they were near the brick wall that had the door leading them inside, enveloped in the dark under the small awning as they were hidden from any surrounding lighting, Calum was pressing her against it. He trapped her body between his own and the wall as his lips caught her lower one in a sinfully sucking kiss and her purse dropped haphazardly on the floor, forgotten amidst their craving for one another. He pushed his knee between her legs and felt her hands press against his back, pushing him as close to her as he could get. The pace of their kiss was rushed and passionate, losing themselves in one another as Calum’s hands found her hips before slowly starting to trail down.

“Tell me to stop,” he mumbled breathlessly against her lips, fingers teasing the hem of her dress, holding off the aching desire to push it up.

Her fingers fisted his shirt, just as breathless as him. “Why would I ever do that?”

Calum could’ve melted right there, groaning appreciatively against her mouth as he took her words as a go-ahead to push the dress up to her hips. Their movements were frantic, rushed, because at the back of their minds they were aware that anyone could walk onto the roof at any moment. So they were quick with her hands working at the belt, button and zipper of his pants.

He wished they had more time, wished that they weren’t doing this on some random rooftop in the middle of New York City; but the cool weather suddenly felt glorious against his heated skin, the lights of the city were glittering around and on them, and feeling her body so close to his was dizzying, her warmth seeping into him damn near electrifying. Calum’s lips worked against hers, one hand haphazardly and blindly reaching for his wallet as he felt her hands untuck his shirt from his now undone pants.

“Fuck,” Calum hissed in aggravation, pulling away from her addictive lips briefly to look down at realize that he didn’t have a condom in his wallet, heart pounding from how close her body was to him along with the bitter knowledge that they might not be able to go further than this.

Her gaze followed his, her breathing heavy and skin on fire with the desperate need for feeling him—all of him. Her heart was drumming in her ears, voice a breathless whisper as her grip on his shirt tightened and she informed him simply, almost pleadingly, “I’m on the pill.”

He could’ve taken her right in that moment.

But instead, with a newfound vigor, Calum dropped to his knees as he decided he wanted this before he took her completely, one hand bunching her dress up at her hips while the fingers of his right hooked into the waistband of her thong and slid it down effortlessly. The dazed voice in the back of Calum’s head was reminding him that they didn’t have much time, that they couldn’t hide away on the roof for this rendezvous for too long, but he was desperate for a taste. Just a little, just for a moment, and the way he felt her hands slide into his hair, fingers weaving through the blonde strands he had yet to cut off as he helped her step out of the flimsy underwear, Calum knew she wasn’t at all against it.

Tilting his chin up, Calum flattened his tongue against her, hands gripping her hips over the bunched fabric of her dress as he felt her body tense agreeingly at the contact. Calum reveled in the soft moan that escaped her, the sound dancing in the gentle breeze around them as he granted himself her taste, more perfect than he could’ve ever imagined.

His tongue worked her over, sucking and licking as it also paid special attention to her clit, each flick of his tongue serving to tighten her fingers in his hair and heat up body as sinful, beautiful sounds fell past her lips. She was playing music in his ears as her right hand slid further down the back of his head, pushing him closer, her own head tilted back and eyes shut, lips parted in a lustful haze. Every movement of his tongue and lips on her heat could be felt in every single nerve of her body, heart pounding wildly as she could feel her orgasm quickly building.

Every motion could be felt deep within her core, the crude sounds of Calum’s mouth sucking at her clit, an appreciative hum escaping him the more he got to taste her. The smirk that tilted at his working mouth couldn’t be helped as he felt her fingers tighten in his hair when the sound he made vibrated through her responsive body. She tasted so fucking heavenly—Calum was aching at this point to feel her. How he’d managed to go this long by restraining himself to friendly hugs and arms around shoulders was beyond him, almost just as unbelievable as what was going on.

Calum could feel her about to come undone, had almost instantaneously memorized the way her body reacted to him at an obsessively fast pace. He could feel it in the way her fingers held his hair tightly, the gentle sting welcomed, and could hear it in the pretty appreciative sounds that fell past her lips with every movement of his tongue. And so, once he brought her close enough, Calum pulled away from her after pressing one last kiss to her clit, licking his lips as he stood to his height and silenced her whining whimper with a kiss.

“So needy,” he couldn’t help but remark against her lips, pushing his pants and boxers down quickly. His heart continued to pound greedily, the anticipation heating his blood as Calum brushed his lips against hers when he rasped, “Ready, doll?”

“Yes,” she responded, the word repeatedly falling past her lips in a breathless prayer, and the sound of her being so openly desperate for him had electricity shocking Calum’s veins as he pushed himself into her.

The sound of his gruff groan mixed with her melodic moan was almost sinful, Calum’s head dropping to the crook of her neck as she tilted her head back, reveling in the sensation of his lips and scruff against her skin and how perfectly, wonderfully, wholly he filled her. Her eyes remained tightly shut, lips tingling from their kisses, and already she was seeing stars from him being inside of her. She accommodated him too sublimely, and Calum fit in her like a missing puzzle piece she hoped to never lose again.

He kept a slow, sensual pace that drove her crazy, and Calum’s hands quickly found her thighs before, without warning, he lifted her so her legs could wind around his hips and ankles lock at his back. The brick wall was rough against her back but she couldn’t give a shit, not when Calum’s body was pressed into hers and he was hitting spots in her body that made it difficult to breathe in the best way. The newfound angle made it easier for Calum to thrust his hips into hers as he picked his head up, catching her lips in a bruising kiss as she hooked her right arm around his neck and buried her fingers of her left hand into his hair. She knew, vaguely, that she was only fucking up his hair but, God, she didn’t fucking care. Not when the bite of his rings was chilling against her thighs and the sound of skin slapping against skin rang in her ears.

Calum was consumed by her, by the thrilling notion of what he’d been aching for to happen finally coming to life as he felt her teeth teasingly sink into his lower lip before sucking at it, making his stomach drop and blood rush straight to his cock, his pace picking up. God, he hadn’t wanted the first time he got to have her like this to be on some fucking rooftop in New York, had never thought it would go this way, completely discarding all of the fantasies that admittedly swam in his mind in regards to her. He wanted to do it right. But Calum couldn’t entirely complain, not right now, not with her lips on his as she kept him close and whimpered at the sensation of him filling her so deliciously.

Praises fell from his mouth before he could help himself, Calum’s voice husky with want as he admired her openly, shamelessly, genuinely, only serving to spread a warmth through her body at being so needed. Listening to Calum breathe her name, tell her how good she felt in a rasp that had his accent slipping in, tell her how she was made for him only had her orgasm building up quickly. God, she could barely keep kissing him, the force of his thrusts and the feel of him in her rendering her to only parting her lips for the gasps and moans to slip through. Calum didn’t mind, fucking loved it, his own lips brushing against hers with every jerk of their bodies while his fingers dug into the flesh of her thighs.

His name began falling past her lips like a mantra she wholeheartedly believed in, and Calum knew she was close as her body began tightening, feeling it as he clenched his jaw tightly, the sensation enough to tip him over the edge too, but he waited for her to release to wash over her first. And he watched, with a clenched jaw and a tight grip on her, drilling into her relentlessly as he watched the way she came undone in front of him. There wasn’t much light upon them, hidden in the shadows, but Calum’s sharp eyes made out the way her head tilted back, facing the sky as her mouth fell open in an appreciative, musical moan. He felt her come around him, nails digging into his biceps through the material of his shirt, as his voice sounded smooth encouragements against the skin of her neck, his lips peppering kisses into her heated skin as her body trembled with her orgasm.

She was hot around him, wonderfully so, and it only had Calum chasing his orgasm harder, holding her close to him as she moved her head forward to press her mouth against the pulse point at his neck. She left open mouthed kisses at his skin, not wanting to leave marks tonight, and it wasn’t long until Calum’s own release shook through his body as it was accompanied by a guttural groan that only made her gasp, reveling in the feel of him letting go of himself inside of her.

Heavy breathing and pounding hearts were all that was left, in addition to a blissful haze at the mutual yet silent acknowledgement of this being more than just a one night on a rooftop. It had felt like more. It wasn’t two friends crossing a line for one night—it was two people who’d danced around their feelings for far too long finally moving in the direction they’d both silently been desperate for. It was the universe screaming fucking finally the second they’d kissed. It was both of them hoping, wishing, needing for this to be only the start of something they’d wanted for so Goddamn long.

They remained close, her body still pressed against the brick wall as a way of keeping herself up, legs feeling a bit too unsupportive as she settled back on her feet, letting herself enjoy the press of Calum’s forehead against hers. They both let out a soft groan as he pulled out, leaving her feel empty. Her body felt hot, the breeze not doing much to cool her down as Calum’s warm breath fanned against her, his own eyes closed as he tried to will his erratic heart to calm down. But with her body still against his and his hands gripping her hips a little more loosely while her fingers remained buried in his locks, wanting him to be as close to her as he could while he returned the sentiment, it was proving difficult for Calum to think of anything other than her.

“That was. . .” She sounded breathless, unable to finish or find the right words. Calum opened his eyes just as she pulled away, only enough to lean her head back against the wall, eyes still staring into his brown. Calum admired the flush of her cheeks, her kiss swollen lips, loving that he was the cause of it.

His left hand lifted from her waist, fingers curling into his palm while his thumb swiped against her lower lip as he rasped honestly in the quiet of the night, “A long time coming.”

His words elicited an airy laugh from her, the heat in her cheeks intensifying at the reminding knowledge of Calum wanting to do this just as badly as she did. She was still reeling to be honest, pressed up against him, feeling the hot remnants of their releases between her thighs. There was a glint in Calum’s eyes, relaxed despite what they’d just done, yet also so content. She didn’t see the subtle trouble that had been clouding his gaze when she’d arrived onto the roof, eyes clear as they can be as he stared down at her. Soft and pleased and completely focused on her in a way that made her heart flutter. Though, at this point, it was no surprise that a simple look from Calum was enough to have her breath hitching in her throat.

She desperately wished they could stay up here for as long as they wanted, to forget about the event going on downstairs and get foolishly drunk off each other rather than the alcohol being served. She was already having a difficult time focusing on anything except for the vanilla, jasmine and expensive scent emitting from Calum that had long since taken over her senses.

“We should. . .” God, she was having trouble catching her breath, every part of her still overwhelmed as the blissed out smile tugged at her lips. A giggle threatened to pass her lips as she watched Calum watch her. “We should go back downstairs.”

Calum took a step back, much to her chagrin, back still against the wall as he bent to pick up her purse and handed it to her. She took it from him, unzipping it to pull out the travel sized tissues she always kept, offering it to Calum as the two of them cleaned themselves up. “You go ahead, doll,” Calum told her, tossing the used tissues in an oddly placed trash can a few feet away. His phone was in his hand, after he put his pants back on, as he read something from the screen. He nodded towards the door, a soft smile on his face, one that fluttered her already weak heart. “I’ll be down in a bit.”

She eyed him for a moment as she fixed her dress, his blonde hair mussed up, unable to help herself when she reached a hand up and attempted to help fix the mess she’d created. The smile remained on Calum’s face as she did so, brown eyes on her while she pointed her gaze at the blonde hair she was styling back into place. “You’re not gonna keep brooding up here, are you?”

Her words had Calum’s smile transforming into a smirk, boyish and cute as she reluctantly drew her hand away from his soft hair, fixing it as best as she could. “Reckon I don’t have anythin’ to be broody about anymore.” A soft breath of laughter escaped her at that, and Calum’s smile once again turned reassuring as he pushed a lock of her hair behind her ear with a finger. “But the boys are gonna be up here in a few so Dusty can take pictures.”

At that, she snorted out a laugh, eyebrows raising as she mused, “Talk about timing, huh?”

Calum grinned, cheeks pushing up as he let out a laugh of his own, the sound catching in his throat adorably. “Honestly,” he nodded in agreement, gaze dropping to something on the ground before he bent to pick it up. She blinked at the sight of her black thong, only then realizing she wasn’t wearing underwear, but before she could say anything, Calum smirked, “I think I’ll be keeping these.”

Her eyes widened, jaw slacking slightly as she let out an incredulous scoff. “Are you kidding?” she sounded, the disbelieving grin on her face holding her amusement. “I can’t go downstairs without any underwear, Calum.”

The bassist scrunched his face up in mocking thoughtfulness, tilting his head at her as he let the thong hang off his finger. “You really wanna wear this after it’s been lying on the dirty ground of this roof? Not too sanitary, love.”

She shook her head, lips puckering to contain the smile threatening to grow, though she was failing miserably as she crossed her arms over her chest. Narrowing her eyes at the wolfish grin on his face, she responded knowingly, “You totally tossed it to the ground on purpose.”

Calum took a step towards her, eye dropping in a quick wink. “Got too lost in you to care,” he returned smoothly, and for half a second she hated the effect he had on her, his words flushing her cheeks as he pressed a kiss to her lips. Chaste and quick, like he did it all the time. It felt so natural, and when she caught sight of his soft brown eyes, she knew he felt it, too. “I’ll see you downstairs.”

She rolled her eyes, still grinning, before turning to take the few steps towards the door that led to a staircase down to the party. Calum bit his lower lip, still smiling, when she opened the door and glanced over her shoulder at him, mirroring his giddy grin before she went inside and shut the door behind her. He vaguely heard the slam echo from the inside, but once the door was closed, Calum let out a heavy breath and turned to press his back against the brick wall, staring up at the night sky as he rubbed his hands down his thighs.

Honestly, while he was waiting for the boys to come up, Calum needed a moment to comprehend what had just happened. He needed a moment to put together the fact that the girl he wanted, wanted him back just as badly. Calum felt like a teenager, blissfully giddy of a crush being returned, though he knew this wasn’t just some kind of puppy love. This was more. She had always been just. . . More.

For so long, she was the only one who held Calum’s attention effortlessly, who made him forget every other person in the room because his eyes were on her, his thoughts consumed by her presence.

Calum let out a disbelieving, yet relieved, laugh as he gave a shake of his head. His heart had never felt so light. Greedily, happily, Calum was exhilarated that he demanded her attention. She already had all of his.

tags: @irwinkitten @glitterprincelu @sweetcherrymike @meetashthere @valentinelrh @softforcal @astroashtonio @hereforlukescruff @novacanecalum @captain-what-is-going-on @angelbbycal @singt0mecalum @hopelessxcynic @lfwallscouldtalk @bodhi-black @findingliam-o @softlrh @calntynes @calumsmermaid @erikamarie41 @quintodosuniversos @longlastingdaydream @babylon-corgis @lukehemmingsunflower @spideyseavey @imfuckin10plybud @pastelpapermoons @malumharmonies @conquerwhatliesahead92 @rotten-kandy @metangi @neigcthood @ohhmuke @old-zeppelin-shirt @5sos-and-hessa @trustmeimawhalebiologist @vxlentinecal @pettybassists @vaporshawn @lu-my-golden-boi @heartbreak-5sos @visualm3nte @isabella-mae13 @dontjinx-it @lifeakaharry @neonweeknds @antisocialbandmate @ixcantxdecidexwhosxmyxfave @calpalbby @grreatgooglymoogly @sunnysideblogs @gorgeouslygrace @cocktail-calum @miahelizaaabeth @madelynerin @dramallamawithsparkles @aulxna @theagenderwhocriedwolf @kaytiebug14 @hoodskillerqueen @bitchinbabylon @empathycth @xhaileyreneex @inlovehoodx @calistheloml @aestheticrelated @bloodlinecal @sublimehood @madbomb @raabiac @britnicole11 @outofmylimitcal @calumsnatchedmyheart

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calumcest · 4 years

Note

good morning :) loved the new drabbles and i was wondering if you'd write about 'actually.. i just miss you' and lashton again but like.. in the angel/devil au? i completely get it if not because you already wrote one with that prompt (and it was great) but i'm a sucker for this verse and the phrase just reminded me so much of them (oh and maybe alternatively for them if you don't want to use the prompt again: 'why do i love you?')

thank u so much!! omg i’m so glad you enjoyed the verse bc i am slyly living for it its very self-indulgent so any requests to write more in the angel/demon verse...how could i say no also forewarning this is not a drabble its 1.7k sdlkfjhsbdf

Ashton, Michael prays, an edge of desperation to the word, and Ashton jerks up from the record of the soul he’s currently processing, focusing in on the prayer. Come down. I need you.

What for?

Luke.

Ashton can’t help the butterflies in his stomach at that, and he swallows, pushing himself back from his desk.

He shouldn’t. He shouldn’t go. Michael’s more than capable of handling Lucifer - he’s proven that once before - and Ashton’s busy. He’s got at least three thousand more souls to process today. He doesn’t have the time to go down, doesn’t have the time to chase whatever stupid nonsense Lucifer’s up to now. He shouldn’t.

Instead, he focuses in on Michael, lets his prayer swell in his heart, closes his eyes, and heads down.

He turns up in the dark outside a restaurant, lit up by one feeble streetlight. He can feel that Lucifer’s in there, feel it in the burning, crawling sensation under his folded-in wings, so he takes a deep breath and pushes the door open.

It’s nearly empty, save a table with Calum, dressed in all black, leather jacket catching the light as he gesticulates wildly, frowning. Michael’s opposite him, white shirt setting off his pale skin and blond hair, frowning right back at Calum, lips twisted in a way that Ashton knows firsthand means I know you’re right but I refuse to lose this argument. Lucifer’s sat next to Calum, looking incredibly bored with whatever’s happening, but, almost as though it were an instinct, his eyes are drawn to Ashton, north meeting south.

Ashton swallows at the dark look in Lucifer’s eyes, and heads over to the table.

“What?” he says, hoping his voice doesn’t sound as hoarse to everyone else as it does to him.

“Oh, thank fuck,” Michael says, a look of relief spreading across his face. The curse rings loud and unholy in Ashton’s ears, and makes him wince slightly. Michael barely even notices. “Cal, let’s fucking go.”

“Wait,” Ashton says, as both Calum and Michael scrape their chairs back, and Michael turns to look at him, faint annoyance etched in his features.

“What?” he says.

“What?” Ashton echoes, slightly incredulous. “You call me down here, and then you leave?” Michael shrugs. Ashton cannot believe him. “You said-” he cuts himself off, with a glance at Lucifer, who’s watching the exchange idly. Lucifer doesn’t miss the glance, and a lazy smile spreads across his face when he realises what the look means.

“I just said I needed you,” Michael points out.

“For Lucifer.”

“Yeah, to keep him company,” Michael says, “while me and Cal go off and fuck.” Calum nods seriously at that. Ashton’s going to speak to Him about blanket banning consorting with demons. Michael’s getting worse by the day, and he was never good to begin with.

“I think he can look after himself,” Ashton bites out, casting Lucifer another glance. Lucifer just looks back at him, amused smile playing on his lips.

“No,” Michael says, placing a hand on Ashton’s shoulder, and Ashton feels it, feels the full weight of God’s love and holiness thrumming through his veins, heavy in Michael’s touch, stronger than any other angel. He kind of gets why Raphael hates Michael whenever he feels that. “I think you should be there with him.” He says it with the kind of gravity only an archangel can muster, and Ashton has no choice but to nod, because it’s an order. Michael grins at him, quick and easy, all seriousness gone, and pats him on the shoulder, right above his wing. Ashton winces, and falls into the seat Michael had been occupying.

“Don’t do anything I wouldn’t do,” Lucifer calls after Calum and Michael as they head for the door.

“There’s nothing you wouldn’t do,” Calum shoots back, and Lucifer grins wickedly.

“Exactly,” he says, and both Michael and Calum roll their eyes fondly - and, okay, when did Michael become fond of Lucifer? Something rolls uncomfortably in Ashton’s stomach at that, but he pushes it aside, focusing on the task at hand. Keep Lucifer entertained. Keep him company. Ashton can do that.

“So,” Lucifer says, blue eyes flicking to Ashton, lit up and amused. “Just me and you now.” Ashton nods tightly.

“Looks like it,” he says. That just seems to amuse Lucifer even more, small smile stretching to a full grin. He leans back, tilting his head like he’s scrutinising Ashton, and suddenly there’s a cheeseburger in front of Ashton.

Okay. Ashton’s not a fan of human food, he really isn’t, but Michael had gone on and on about cheeseburgers for at least fifty years, begging Ashton to come down and try one, and Ashton had eventually relented and said he’d try one if Michael brought one back up, which he’d duly done. It’s been at least forty years since that happened, and Ashton had only managed about ten before he’d caved and started taking the odd secret trip down to Earth for a cheeseburger. Nobody, though, nobody, not even Michael, knows about that.

“I don’t eat human food,” Ashton says primly, because he doesn’t. Ashton may not be able to lie, but all that’s done is make him very good at bending the truth.

“You eat cheeseburgers,” Lucifer says, like this is a well-known fact, and not something Ashton’s sworn Michael to secrecy on.

“I-” Ashton’s cut off with a wince, holy power seizing his tongue, caught in an almost-lie. Lucifer grins, recognising the telltale signs of an angel trying to lie all too well. Ashton clears his throat in a dignified manner, hoping Lucifer can’t see the flush on his cheeks, and tries a different tack. “How do you know that?” Lucifer shrugs.

“Kept tabs on you,” he says, and then proceeds to reel off Ashton’s cheeseburger order. “Double cheeseburger, extra pickles, no mayo, two tomatoes.” Ashton stares at him.

“You stalked me?” he says, and it comes out a little strangled. He’s not sure whether that’s the holiness or the fact that his stomach has done, like, a full Olympics gymnastics set at the idea that Lucifer’s been keeping up with him, been watching him from afar.

“Well, now, stalking is a strong word,” Lucifer says, grinning, because he doesn’t care, he’s the Devil. That thought sends a strong wave of revulsion coursing through Ashton, top to toe, followed immediately with a wave of guilt. He really hopes Raphael’s not tuned in to him right now. The last thing Ashton needs is someone spreading the word that Ashton’s hanging out with Satan.

“You-” Ashton cuts himself off, because he’s not really sure what he wants to say. Lucifer watches him, half-amused, half-interested. Ashton feels the full weight of something under his gaze, but he’s not sure what it is - holy, sacrilegious, Heaven, Hell - and drops his gaze to the cheeseburger.

“You should eat it,” Lucifer says casually. Ashton eyes it warily.

“Do I look like an idiot?” he says. Lucifer rolls his eyes.

“What, you think I’ve carved a banishing sigil into the lettuce?” he says, like it’s the most ludicrous idea in the world, and then stops. “Hmm. That might be one to try on Michael, actually.” Ashton, because he’s a good friend and an even better angel, dutifully sends a prayer in Michael’s direction informing him as such. Michael doesn’t respond, and Ashton withdraws before he gets too close to the dark spikes of whatever it is that Michael’s currently giving off.

“I don’t want your food,” Ashton says, because it’s true, he doesn’t want Lucifer’s food, and pushes the cheeseburger away from him childishly. Lucifer rolls his eyes, but pulls the cheeseburger towards himself, and takes a huge bite out of it, holding Ashton’s gaze as he does. Ashton prays for the strength not to watch the line of his throat as he swallows, but He doesn’t seem to be listening.

“Have you always been this fucking boring?” Lucifer comments idly, licking his finger obscenely, and oh, oh, the repentance for the thoughts that just went through Ashton’s head hits him like a train. He visibly flinches, and Lucifer grins. “Man, you know shit’s a lot more fun when you don’t feel shitty about every thought you have.”

“I don’t feel bad,” Ashton grits out, because he doesn’t. Repentance is a necessary consequence of sin, and he always feels good that he’s repented. Lucifer shrugs, and takes another bite of the burger. Ashton swallows, not entirely because he kind of wishes the burger were going down his throat instead of Lucifer’s. Like he knows what Ashton’s thinking, Lucifer quirks a brow at him.

“You can still have some,” he offers.

“I-” Ashton winces again, unable to say I don’t want any, because he does, he really does. Lucifer laughs, and pushes the burger back towards Ashton, but there’s something fond in his eyes, and it makes Ashton feel a little sick with something that he tries not to identify as guilt.

“Eat,” he says, and it’s soft, it’s gentle, and it breaks Ashton’s heart into a million pieces. The Devil shouldn’t have it in him to care about anyone, least of all Ashton.

Ashton can’t rid himself of that sneaking suspicion, though, staring at the burger in trepidation, and Lucifer sighs.

“You really don’t trust me, huh?” he says, and there’s a note of bitterness in his voice. Ashton hates it, hates himself more for causing it, hates the guilt and confusion that washes over him as an immediate consequence of both of those thoughts.

“You are the Devil,” Ashton points out, and Lucifer huffs out a laugh.

“I’d never fuck with my second-favourite angel,” he says solemnly.

“I’m glad Michael’s safe, then,” Ashton shoots back before he can stop himself, and Lucifer grins, shaking his head.

“Why do I love you?” he says, and there’s something so raw and wistful in his tone that Ashton wants to cry, wants to reach out, wants to tell him I’m sorry, I’m wish I could make it better, I wish I could fix this, I’m sorry, I’m sorry, I’m sorry, I wish I’d never loved you, I wish I’d found a way to stop loving you.

Instead of saying anything, because nothing would be enough, and anything would be too much, he reaches forwards, picks up the burger, and brings it to his lips.

The radiant smile Lucifer gives him is all angel, no Devil.

#lashton #drabbles #this is not a drabble its like...a full length fic but anyway #Anonymous #holyverse

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bubble-tea-bunny · 5 years

Text

feels like summer

[josuke higashikata x reader]

author’s note: wanted to take a break from another fic i was writing that was getting lengthy so i wrote this. it’s inspired by the sweltering heat here in so cal (i’m dying send help pls). i think i’m gonna do more of these shorter summer-themed fics for other jojo characters cuz i forgot how fun it is to just write these slice of life fics

word count: 1,343

It’s hot.

Entirely too hot, if you had anything to say about it. The heat has made you too sluggish to do anything but lay in bed, staring up at the ceiling and trying not to melt right into the mattress. You’ve long since stripped down to just your bra and panties, but it does little to alleviate the sensation of being hugged too tight by the humid air, your skin slightly moist to touch and peeling uncomfortably away from the mess of bedsheets as you lift an arm to rest it over your eyes.

You wonder what the others are up to today, if they’re staying home like you are or if they’ve braved the heat to venture outside. You couldn’t imagine there was much that would make it worth enduring the sweltering temperature which has climbed so high that if you were to look down the end of your street, you would see the hazy air and wet asphalt that wasn’t actually wet at all, telltale signs of a mirage. You could probably fry an egg on the sidewalk. Given your lack of energy, all you can do is think about what that might look like, to crack an egg and wait for it to cook out on your driveway, and you giggle to yourself at the ridiculousness of it.

The sound of the telephone ringing cuts through your thoughts, and you sit up, not caring that your hair is in disarray as you stand up. You speed walk down the hallway towards the kitchen, forcing yourself to rush despite how tired you are so you don’t miss the call. Before the last ring, you unhook the phone from the cradle and bring it up to your ear.

“Hello?”

“[Name]!”

The cheeriness in Josuke’s voice is contagious and you smile. You adopt a more relaxed stance now that you know who’s on the other end, resting your weight on one foot and jutting out your hip. You’re about to ask what’s up? but he continues before you can speak up.

“Let’s get ice cream,” he declares.

Ice cream does seem like a great idea. Upon the suggestion, as if on cue, your stomach growls and you’re filled with a craving for the sweet treat. Josuke’s favorite ice cream parlor is across town, and usually you wouldn’t mind the walk, but usually the weather isn’t this intense. The parlor is also, coincidentally, the most popular, so you’re sure there will be a long line. Though despite these less than favorable factors, the thought of saying no never crosses your mind because you were wrong earlier—there is at least one thing that would make it worth putting up with these temperatures. And he’s waiting patiently for your response.

“Okay!”

You can hear the smile in his voice as he says he’ll meet you at your house, and after you hang up, you return to your room to change into shorts and a tank top. As you pull the tank top down and adjust it until it sits comfortably over your figure, you glance outside the window where, even if you can’t see it, you know the sun has now passed its highest point in the sky, having entered the second half of the day. But the gradual setting of the sun doesn’t mean the heat would be any less harsh, and it wouldn’t cool down until it grows completely dark.

You’re proven correct (which you knew you would be, of course) when Josuke rings the doorbell and you step outside, the hot air clinging to your skin. It makes your hair stick to the base of your neck, so you brush it over your shoulders and leave it to cascade down your back. You forgot to grab a hair tie, but right now, you’re set on getting ice cream, and you don’t care enough to turn around.

Josuke takes hold of your hand as you begin the walk to town, and you complain playfully that his hand is sweaty (but yours is too, to be fair). He laughs and, with one mischievous side-eye your way, he tugs you towards him, and when you collide with him, a quiet oof! leaving your mouth, he wraps his arm around your shoulders to keep you near. This is even worse, the body heat produced between the two of you too severe to endure. You’re sure he’s burning up, but one wouldn’t be able to tell just by looking at him with his toothy grin (and perfect pompadour which somehow has remained perfectly styled despite the weather). It seems his teasing you overpowered everything else.

“Josuke!” You brace your hands against his side to try to push away, but he’s stronger and keeps you in place. Eventually you give up and slump against him and he laughs, leaning down to give you a quick kiss on the head before his arm slips away and you’re free to back up to a more comfortable distance.

You huff in mock frustration but you’re smiling as you wordlessly intertwine your hands again.

There’s a line at the ice cream parlor, but luckily, it doesn’t go out the door. You sigh in relief as the air conditioner cools you down and Josuke starts deciding what flavor to get. You throw around the idea of sharing a sundae but eventually discard that notion because you want strawberry sherbet and he wants peanut butter ice cream and those wouldn’t have been good flavors to combine at all.

“What do you mean?” Josuke inquires in jest. “I bet they’d taste great together!”

Your nose scrunches up in disgust just thinking about it. “Strawberries and peanut butter? Gross!”

Typically after buying ice cream, you’d eat them while walking through town, either towards his house or yours. But if you were to do that today, the desserts would melt incredibly quickly, even for Josuke, who’s a quick eater. So instead you sit at the table in the corner, which neither of you has any objections to. You’re not keen to leave the air-conditioned building quite yet.

Due to how small Morioh is, you’re bound to run into someone you know at some point in the day. Once you and Josuke are about to leave, Koichi and Yukako come in. You call out their names and wave hello, and wait until they’re done ordering so they can take your table. Outside, the heat is considerably less intense but still enough to be uncomfortable, and you fan your face with your hand, the resulting small breeze unsatisfactory, for the air is warm, but it’s better than nothing.

Josuke asks if you want to come over and you nod. The ice cream had perked you both up with its coolness, but the fatigue seeps right back in as you make your way to the Higashikata household. You’re both too lazy to do anything when you finally arrive. Even playing video games seems like too much effort (you’d just have to kick his butt in Oh! That’s a Baseball! another day). You end up laying around on his bed, staring at the ceiling and feeling the blood rush to your heads. It’s a repeat of your own morning but you hardly mind because this time, you have company.

With his arms behind his head, Josuke mentions that he and Okuyasu had been wanting to fry an egg on the sidewalk, and you laugh and exclaim you’d wanted to try it too. He decides the three of you should get together soon to give it a shot, and he’d call Okuyasu to let him know the plan. Just as soon as I get the energy to stand up…

Of course, that’s not anytime soon, as the heat dwindles and the exhaustion from dealing with the weather catches up to you. Your conversation lulls and then it’s silent as the two of you doze off, but that’s okay. It’s summer, and there would be plenty of time to attempt to fry all sorts of foods out on the pavement.

#josuke higashikata x reader #josuke higashikata imagine #josuke x reader #josuke imagine #jojo's bizarre adventure imagine #diamond is unbreakable imagine #jojo's bizarre adventure #diamond is unbreakable #jjba #bubble-tea-bunny

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ballumsecretvalentine · 4 years

Text

happy valentine’s day @lolapearce, i hope you have the most wonderful day and feel loved and appreciated like you deserve! here’s a little fic exploring callum’s grief for chris and how ben supports him through it! Xx

—-

i see everything can’t be,

i see the beauty that you can’t see,

on the nights you feel outnumbered,

i’ll be out there somewhere.

The week starts with Ben wrapped around Callum, Callum wrapped around Ben, in any which and every way.

Things seem normal at the beginning of the week. They appear that way, at least, on the surface. Beneath all that, beneath sunny smiles and quiet touches, Ben’s veins are bubbling and swelling constantly, heart shifting between barely beating and thudding viciously against his ribs. He can’t explain it, yet everything feels on edge, as if a blanket fear and fragility has fallen over Walford, dark and omnipresent; a heavy-weight, tension only leasing up when he gets home to Callum. To his warmth.

But it seems Callum is keeping him in a constant state of whiplash, and it’s so unlike him it sends Ben’s head spinning. Callum is either nowhere or everywhere, unreachable and distant or pressed up so close that Ben has trouble breathing. Ben wakes up alone two days in a row, later than he normally would, with a chill in his bones and a headache blooming between his eyes. It ignites this pent up feeling insidehim, this terrifying bundle of fear and nerves compiling itself in the centre of his chest.

Callum doesn’t meet him for their daily lunch-date, nor does he show up at the car-lot with a coffee and smile and Ben doesn’t go as far as to check for him at the funeral parlour. Because it somehow feels alien and odd and too much like overstepping, when really, it isn’t. In the afternoon, though, Callum will text him, a simple: Chinese tonight? and something about that tears Ben’s mind in two.

His heart spikes at the attention still though, eager, but it also sinks and swells and twists all wrong, because he always thinks the same when he wakes up alone, and he doesn’t know what to do, what to make of it. It’s not like Callum, he’s clingy in the morning, needy in all the ways Ben loves. But since the sun rose on Monday morning, he’d closed up. Cold. Distant. Closed.

But Ben goes back home, to Callum’s flat, say: Yes, absolutely, to the offer of Chinese and takeaway and Callum will be all over him, poking and prodding and kissing Ben silly as he’s perched on the kitchen counter, until Ben finally caves, folds their lips together softly. The taste of cheap beer and something so familiar between them. It’s a distraction, Ben knows that, but he’ll let Callum take whatever he wants, needs, form Ben, because it’s Callum and he can’t deny him anything, especially not this. Not when Callum’s given it to him so many times before. Comfort. Safety. Patience.

February 14th 2020

Winter’s sun has risen, and Ben is still beneath the sheets when he blinks his heavy lids open.

There’s no sound, the usual soft breathing beside him absent, and the warmth replaced with a coolness that sinks so deep it’s chilling. London’s soft light is spilling in across the sheets, slanting into his eyes, stinging, enhancing the tiredness he feels. It takes him a moment to come to himself, still halfway stuck in the darkness of his troubled dreams. When he does awake, he’s wet-eyed and hazy, and registers nothing but the empty half of the bed bedside him. He lays entirely still and swallows against the feeling of his skin curling, against the feeling of his body trying to turn itself inside-out.

Three days in a row.

He sits up with a hand over his heart as he swallows thickly. His pulse is jumping against his neck, his eyes heavy, heart sunken.

The rest of the flat seems as deathly quiet as the bedroom, just the laps of footsteps from the street below can be heard through the opened window. Ben shuffles into the kitchen to grab a drink. The water is freezing cold, glass-like a pinprick in his palms, but he drinks all of it with a rasping gulp, trying to settle himself.

It’s then he notices an old notepad flung across one of the counters, and he’s sure it wasn’t there the previous night. It been left open on a double page, there’s a sprawl of black ink across it, loopy-cursive letters filling the page.

Gone for a walk, needed to get out for a bit - Callum x

As he places the notepad back on the counter, another piece of paper catches his eye. An envelope addressed to Callum. It’s been opened with care, that much is obvious, and Ben feels awful for even contemplating looking at the contents of the card inside, as if he’s imposing on something private and intimate.

The guilt is so heavy it feels like a physical weight on his chest, but he can't resist his racing heart for too long.

Callum, love, it reads at the top with neat, unfamiliar writing. Ben's throat immediately tightens, heart falling somewhere unreachable.

Thinking of you today and always.

I hope you’ve found the comfort you need.

Vikki x

With a heavy heart and shaky fingers, Ben carefully tucks the card back into the envelope and folds the flap over it. Physically, the words disappear, but he can’t lock them away, there's this thrum pulsing through him, like his entire body is a wound.

He needs to find Callum.

—-

As Ben steps outside, the atmosphere remains stoic and silent, reminiscent of a storm brewing. The trees creak around him, groan when those harsh winds start to push. Against the soft light of first dawn, the streets seem just a simple mirage of shadow, the power lines and the silhouettes of the market stalls.

There’s this eeriest stillness within the air, barely any life to be seen — especially not the one Ben’s eyes are frantically searching for — Callum’s.

He tries the undertakers first, but the locks are bolted. Next, he visits the car lot, but it seems exactly how Bem left it the previous day, a mess. Then, the pub. The park. The Albert. No luck.

He breathes out long and slow as he reaches the cafe, his final stop, and pushes at the door frantically before him. The warmth and laughter hits him at once; it feels forgien, wrong, when Callum isn’t by his side.

It’s just Ben’s luck that he bumps straight into a tall body.

“Watch it, idiot.”

Oh. Jack.

“Sorry,” Jack says, not sounding the slightest bit apologetic. “Oh actually, I’m glad I bumped into you.”

“Right, well,” Ben says dismissively. “I’m a bit busy so can you—”

“I’ve just seen your Callum, up at the graveyard,” Jack interrupts, and Ben can’t be sure his heart doesn’t switch places with his stomach.

“The graveyard?”

With this revelation, there’s a new, different kind of fuzziness Ben’s registering now, something that isn’t phantom. His knees feel weak and he has the very sudden urge to let himself fall down. A quiet panic curls around his spine before he can stop it, and he knows it makes a home in his eyes when he finally glances up and sees the look on Jack’s face, brimmed wide with a real concern, cautious as he leads Ben out of the pub.

“Go and find him, yeah?” Jack says. He shifts a gentle hand to Ben’s shoulder, shaking him lightly. “Think he might need you today.”

“Yeah, course,” Ben murmurs. “Cheers, Jack.”

---

Ben doesn’t know why but as he approaches the graveyard, he feels full of nervous energy. He feels like he’s intruding on something, waiting for someone or something else to pop out and terrify him. But this is just Callum. His Callum.

He spots the man in question almost straight away, just a speck in the distance. The sky impossibly feels impossibly huge and wide, full of possibilities and life, yet the clouds pull in a blend of dreary greys and dull blues, trashing with the force of the wind; reminding Ben of his whereabouts. Each step he takes feels weighted, sticky and gluggy, and his under eyes are bulging, swollen, temples throbbing from the amount he’d slept, or rather hadn’t, last night.

Callum turns when he hears Ben’s footsteps approaching; startled.

“Hey,” Ben breathes softly, and he knows, meeting Callum’s eyes, that his words could break him easy as anything. Like glass about to splinter, one wrong footfall away from shattering into a million tiny pieces.

“Hi,” Callum croaks back, almost inaudible. His head lifts and he looks to Ben slowly. He looks entirely exhausted, under eyes hollowed and dark, hair a mess on his head, curled in on himself.

“I’ve been looking for you all morning,” Ben says. He hates the way his voice sounds, because he’s not angry at Callum. But sometimes anger and worry cross paths, the polar emotions become all muddled, near impossible to separate. Life and death. Light and dark. Anger and worry. But that’s what love is capable of, Ben supposes. He shakes at Callum’s shoulder gently. “Callum. Look at me, yeah?”

The sun has snuck behind the clouds now, but something is making his vision ache. It’s a new, different kind of fuzziness Bens registering, something that isn’t phantom. His knees and his elbows are weak and he has the very sudden urge to let himself fall down. To fall at Callum’s feet and beg him to open up, to let Ben in. He hates this helplessness. A quiet panic curls around his spine before he can stop it, and he knows it makes a home in his eyes when Callum finally glances up to him, his eyes brimmed wide with a concern all of his own.

“I’m sorry.”

Fear pricks at Ben’s skin at how calm and articulate Callum sounds, this isn’t like him one bit. This isn’t his Callum.

“What for?” Ben questions, not because he wants to, but because he has to.

Only Callum remains stoic and silent.

“Cal, I need you to talk to me,” Ben says. He shifts a gentle hand to Callum’s hair, fingers raking through the knots, and shakes him lightly. His eyes close with half frosted lashes. “Hey, no. Hey.”

“‘M fine,” Callum murmurs. “I’m okay. Honestly. Just—sorry.”

He takes a seat on the bench next to Callum, it’s one of those brown wooden memorial ones with tired slats and a shiny brass plaque for someone’s late grandparents, married for decades.

He stops, brushes his fingers over the plaque, and wonders, a little morbidly, if anyone would ever build a bench for him. Him and Callum.

He’s itching to take Callum’s hand. His fingers are twitching where they fall brushing lightly against Callum’s thigh. He wants Callum to allow Ben to give him what little comfort his touch might offer, wants to let him help. Wants to share their grief, lean against each other, rely on each other.

He wants to hold his hand.

“You’ve ain’t got anything to be sorry for. Nothing, alright? Just talk to me, babe, please.”

At that, Callum sits up swiftly, averts his eyes, wrings his hands together in his lap, and somehow makes himself as small as a child, despite his height.

“I uh, I need—“ Callum starts. “No, want—to tell you something.”

“Anything.” The word is so earnest it aches in Ben’s mouth.

He watches with gentle eyes as Callum pulls a photograph out of his coat pocket. It’s a little worn around the edges, a sign of love and devotion, Ben decides.

There’s two people pictured, yet only one jumps out to Ben — Callum, obviously — he looks happy, that’s the first thing Ben notices. His smile is beaming, glistening in the harsh camera flash, his eyes dancing, dimples indefinite. A far cry from the sadden look shadowing his features today.

He’s stood with his arm looped around another man; matching in uniform and smiles too.

“That’s Chris” Callum breathes, finger brushing delicately over the man's smiling face. He pushes his spare palm along the tops of his thighs, curls his finger anxiously over his knee as he releases another long exhale. Ben stares, swallows thickly at the shadows under Callum’s eyes, the way they hallow his cheeks out. Ben feels worlds away but like nothing could ever move him from this point in time. “He is—was—was very special to me.”

Ben doesn’t know what to say to that. His chest feels close to collapsing, too many emotions trying to fight for a place at the forefront of Ben’s mind, unable to simply coexist together right now, and he’s hit with waves of different feelings, something dark blue that sits like a deadweight in the pit of his stomach, something rose-red that clings to his heart.

“Was?” Ben questions, heart plummeting for the uptenth time this morning, already fearing the answer.

And Callum, he just breaks.

He releases these muffled, hiccuping sobs, his face screwed up tight. In the light of day, Ben holds him close and hushes him, brushes his thumbs over his cheeks to try and wipe his tears away, over his brows to try and soothe him, over the bumps and scars.

And perhaps the thing that hurts the most is that Callum doesn’t move at all, just hides his face away more, shoulders shaking with tired trembles.

“Look at me,” Ben whispers, and he pulls back enough to cup Callum’s hot cheeks in his palm, to press his lips to his forehead over and over. “Hey, it’s alright. I’m here.”

“He—” Callum breathes. “It’s been a year—it’s been a year, Ben.”

“Okay. Do you want to talk about it? About Chris?” Ben asks cautiously.

“I don’t know how,” Callum admits, meek. He looks away. “I’ve never—I don’t even know how—or where to start.”

“Take as long as you need, we’ve got all day, after all,” he attempts with a lightened tone.

“He was special, Ben. So special, and I never let him know that,” Callum says quietly, wistfully, but his voice grows tight and panicked as he talks, eyes watering some more. Ben’s heart spikes in his chest.

Darkness shadows across Callum’s face slowly, creeping in as his eyes grow dull, and he curls into himself again. He opens his mouth again, then snaps it shut, taking in a shuddery breath.

“You can stop if you want,” Ben whispers. “It’s okay.”

“Sorry, it’s just,” his eyes are misty again, “it’s hard to talk about him.”

He lets Callum breathe, lets him gather his thoughts. The leaves below their feet rustle soft.

“Why don’t you start from the beginning, hey?”

Callum nods and looks down at his feet. Ben can almost feel it, remember it, this strange sense of guilt that holds Callum’s posture stiff.

And so Callum begins.

He tells Ben everything he can. From the nights in the camp, the days out in fields. He tells Ben about their first few weeks on duty, about that first night they met. About the dindgy bar they drank themselves stupid in and the way their hands brushed down fingers danced as they made the trek back.

He tells him of how his dreams were filled with silent screams and broken cries and smashing glass, and how sometimes he woke up with the distinct feeling that he was about to be hurt, or that Chris was hurt, but then he’d wake to a palm on his face, gentle fingers and whispered words. Chris. Always Chris.

He tells Ben of a warmer days, sweltering in a way that England never is, of sunshine and flushed cheeks. He feels Ben of those rare days off, the ones spent down by the pool of water, feet dipping into the current and heart dipping into so,etching else entirely. He tells Ben about how vividly he remembers the blue, the way it would ripple along with their laughter as night closed in.

He tells Ben of those nights. The nights spent under the star, Chris talking Callum through each and every constellation littering the sky, as Callum himself would paint his own constellations in Chris’ eyes, fingers dancing dangerously close in the sand.

He tells Ben of the injury, the release from the army, those first few months in Walford. Wandering around the big-city as if he were looking for something he didn’t quite know he’d lost.

He tells Ben that he soon began to forget the pieces of himself from the army, that he became transfixed on putting the past, Chris, behind him, in attempt to prove himself.

He tells Ben about yearning for something, someone, he never had, he tells him of the guilt for that yearning, for the horrid shame that would settle like sludge in the pit of his stomach. He recalls the nights he tossed and turned in bed next to Whitney, hating himself for dismissing something that could’ve been so good, hating himself for wanting to change, but hating himself for who he was, also.

When he finishes, Callum slowly clamps a hand over his mouth and digs his fingers into his skin, letting out a shuddery breath.

Ben doesn’t think he’s breathed the entire time Callums been talking, all thoughts washed away by the lull of Callum’s voice, the edge to it.

In the quiet, Ben tries to get his mind to catch up with the way his chest is aching, imagining a younger Callum, inquisitive yet scared and silent.

“Thank you,” are the words Ben finds eventually.

“What for?”

“For telling me all of that,” he says, words from the heart. “It can’t have been easy.”

“No, suppose it weren’t,” Callum ducks his head, lashes fanned out and golden, the apples of his cheeks have gone rosy in the February chill as he shrugs his shoulders. “I ain’t a very private person, I find it hard to cover my emotions. But with this, with Chris, I am.”

“God, Callum,” Ben starts, bumps their foreheads together softly, as he brings a hand up to round Callum’s head, and he smiles softly when Callum finally glances up at him, his fingers twisting slowly at the cuffs of his jumper. “You’re so brave, and brilliant, and more courageous than you’ll ever know. I’m just glad I get to see it, everyday.”

And that gets a returning smile from Callum, the first of the week, soft edged, and cautious, like he’s reaching out and pressing his hand over Ben’s heart just with a look.

Ben bites at his lip, trying to find the most delicate way around his next question as he pulls away. “Do you miss him? Chris, I mean? It’s okay if you do, you know. I miss Paul everyday.”

Callum looks down at his feet again and shrugs, but it’s feeble and small, and Ben tries not to register the wetness to his own eyes.

“You do?”

“Yeah,” Ben admits. “Always will. That don’t mean I ain’t happy with you, though. I am. God, I’m the happiest I’ve been, Callum.”

“Me too,” Callum answers after a bout of silence, picking at the skin of his thumb, gaze lowered. “Sometimes,” another shaky breath. “I miss him sometimes, or rather, I think I miss what could have been. The relationship I could have had with him if I hadn’t been so scared of who I was.”

And Ben understands. It's a constant ache in the chest, grief is, an emptiness that's difficult to explain. It feels void, like a clawed hand has dug out everything that's inside of you, leaving a gaping hole in the middle of your chest, edges torn and jagged.

There’s nothing, Ben thinks, taking in Callum’s still form, quite as paralysing as grief.

But he’s sure he doesn’t need to tell Callum that.

“I’m sorry,” Callum says suddenly, shakily. “Ben, I’m so—“ he cuts himself off, squeezes his eyes shut. “I’ve been such a shit boyfriend recently, ain’t I?”

His voice is cracked, hoarse from the tears and it’s instinct, when Ben puts a hand on his arm, tries to soothe him; like riding a bike, learning to swim, the lyrics to your favourite song; Ben supposes, you never forget. “No, ‘course not. You couldn’t ever be.”

“Ain’t been much fun though, have I?”

“You’ve been hurting, Callum. There’s a difference,” he soothes, hopes his voice portrays the understanding he’s aiming for. “I know what it’s like, losing someone — someone you love,” he continues as he digs his thumbs into Callum’s back. He doesn’t want to compare the two. It’s incomparable, grief is. But he’d try anything to help Callum right now. “And you did, didn’t you? Love him?”

He’s met with a nod, shaky but there.

Ben sucks in a heavy breath, closes his eyes for a moment as the familiar feeling he’s been actively avoiding washes over him like a flood. “I know that feeling, that emptiness. I held onto it for so long, that feeling of being stuck, moving through the days in slow motion, feeling time pass around you but your life standing still.”

No one ever tells you how much it’ll hurt, no one can ever relay into words what it feels like to know you’ll never see someone’s face again, or hear their voice or feel their longed touch. It hurts, it burns, and the sting of it all doesn’t wane, it doesn’t fade. The only thing that really changes is how you begin to deal with it, you become better at coping, you learn to function, to move with the days, but you never forget and the ache never numbs. Instead it lingers and lurks, always looming in the shadows of your mind, unescapable grief, unavoidable sorrow.

“I know how you’re feeling. I get it.” Ben sighs sadly. “But you know that, Callum. You could’ve spoken to me about this, about anything. I thought you knew that?”

“I do know, I do—” Callum sighs. “I just—I didn’t want to upset you.”

“You ain’t.”

When there’s no response, Ben finally glances back up. Callum is staring at him, unconvinced, thin brows drawn together, and there’s that sadness still in his eyes that makes Ben’s throat swell, because he doesn’t want it, he doesn’t want that look, not from Callum. Not ever.

“You’re my boyfriend, Callum,” Ben says, the words sit on his tongue familiar, round his mouth like poetry. “Your problems are my problems, remember?”

“Sorry I just disappeared on you like that,” Callum whispers after a beat.

Ben shakes his head. When he speaks, his lips move against the soft of Callum’s neck, head buried in the crook there. “Don’t be daft. I understand, I know you needed time.”

“It’s just, life is so shit sometimes.”

Callum says eventually, eyes wet. Ben feels it right in the centre of his chest when their eyes meet, a dark blue weight that’s slowly working its way into his blood.

“I know,” Ben cuts him off gently with a sad smile. He encases Callum’s hand with both of his own, warmth and soft.

It’s almost as though they’re two puzzle pieces, searching for their counterparts and finding resolution in each other’s cracks and breaks and grief.

“Chris—was he—was he killed?” Ben questions, kicks himself for doing so. “On duty, I mean?”

“No, no, nothing like that,” Callum says, head shaking with force. “A car crash. Mad ain’t it? You can go out there and put your life on the line for a living, day in day out, yet something as simple as a car can be the thing to end your life.”

“It ain’t fair,” Ben agrees, “always the good ones, ain’t it? But they’ve got each other, you know? Chris and Paul, reckons they’re looking down at us now, probably having a laugh about what dramatic gays we are, but happy for us.”

“You think?”

“I like to,” Ben says, and if Callum notices the way his voice wobbles around the words, he doesn’t say anything. “I like to think they’d be proud of us, the same way I’m proud of you.”

“Shut up,” Callum says, cheeks tinted with a cotton candy blush. “When I left the army, I felt this horrible sense of relief. Because I’d convinced myself that Chris was just a one-off, a phase or whatever, that I could leave behind. I thought I could bury my feelings, for him, for boys, if I never saw him again, you know?”

“Hate to break it to you babe, but I don’t think that quite worked out for you.”

Callum lets out a quiet puff of laughter, sudden and soft, and pulls his head away from Ben’s neck. It leaves a cold patch, spreads pins and needles down his arms. Callum looks him right in the eye, red-rimmed and bleary. “Because then I met you. And God, Ben, you changed everything.”

“Soft.”

“You’re good at this,” Callum says next, and the elaboration Ben is waiting for, never comes.

He pauses, fingers still pressing into Callum’s back, half moon crescents dug deep, misshaped hearts and kisses. When he glances over, Callum has shifted slightly to lean against Ben’s side, watching with hooded eyes.

“At what?” Ben questions.

“Taking care of other people,” Callum says, voice so soft that it’s almost lost under the distant sound, the muted lap of birds chirping behind them. “Looking after us.”

“Only you.”

Only you, forever and always.

Callum blinks up at him slowly, let’s out this tiny huff of breath and with it Ben can see some tension dispute his body. It brings this fuzziness to Ben’s heart, thrumming in time with the crack of Callum’s smile.

He buries his face against Callum’s neck and kisses the skin there over and over, still holding him in the air. It feels as if there are these subtle waves washing over then, rolling sets that bring a cycle of emotions each time they lap over, washing them away as they go. It allows them time to breathe, time to grow.

“I love you,” Callum says. Ben opens his eyes and tilts his head up. Callum shifts his hand and grips tighter at Ben’s own. “More than you could ever know.”

“I love you too,” Ben says. “So bloody much.”

The wash over them in rays of sun, calm them both to the core. Ben takes to stroking his finger through Callum’s hair, watching as his chest rises and falls evenly as they settle into this delicate bubble, one of warmth and love and belonging, acceptance and allowance, one that wraps them up and nestles close.

It’s as if suddenly the fog lifts, and Ben can see clearly again. Purple, blue, orange, red; colours of feeling, of love, of life. But even with the lights out, Ben would see colour with Callum by his side, with the way he struggles not to shine.

Nothing can touch them here.

#bvd20 #ballum secret valentine #ben x callum #ballum #eastenders #fanfic

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korkro · 4 years

Text

Your Choices

A second person point of view of Shepard’s final moments before launching the Crucible and ending the Reaper War

You know what you need to do, Cal

~~~

You’re starting to lose your surroundings. Sweat--or maybe blood--drips into your eyes and you try to wipe it away with a dirty hand. Eyes blink rapidly and when they drift to the Catalyst, you’re painfully reminded of reality. From the child on Vancouver, to your subordinate on Torfan, to its final form right now. Every second you stand here, another world is destroyed, but part of you would let the entire galaxy fall apart just to catch an extra glimpse of this fake, twisted version of Ryan.

You blink again and your head swims, your vision blurs. The skin where your armor’s blasted away feels charred, your bones feel broken. Perhaps the only other time you’ve ever been in this much pain is during a previous death you do not remember.

But you cannot stay here forever, you must make a choice. You stumble forward, you are no longer in control of your body--just like how you weren’t when you shot Anderson and watched him die. You grew up an orphan, with Ryan’s family by extension eventually becoming yours. You’ll never know what it’s like to have a parent but you get the feeling Anderson could’ve been something akin to a father.

You’re getting lost again but you keep moving towards the beam of light. It guides you like the North Star used to guide you through the hidden alleys of Mexicali after jobs for the Reds long ago. It guides you like the map aboard the Normandy has guided you through so many missions and hazards and adventures.

“What will you choose, Cal?”

What will you choose?

The weight of an entire galaxy rests upon your shoulders but just a few minutes longer and you will finally be freed of this burden.

Walking is hard but what hasn’t been hard about these circumstances? Just a little bit farther, Shepard. Just a little bit farther.

The incline to the beam almost makes you fall but you keep going. The light engulfs your vision and there’s a roaring sort of silence in your ears. The Catalyst’s words echo in your mind all at once but the ones that scream loudest are the words telling you that you will die if you walk into this light. There will be no bringing you back this time. There will be no more pain, no more hardship. You think of the last three--no, almost four now--years. You remember Saren and his perspective on survival. You remember the way Kaidan broke your heart on Horizon and how you later learned to repair yourselves together. You think of every life you’ve ended, including the slaughter you chose at Torfan, including the first life you helped end when you were only a young teen in a gang.

A gaze burns into you from behind. But it’s not truly real, is it? If you turned around, Ryan’s warm loving eyes wouldn’t be looking into yours. That face isn’t real. Either the Catalyst has abilities beyond your comprehension or you’re hallucinating. That��s not so far-fetched, the fact you’re still standing is nothing short of miraculous. But then again, defying the odds is sort of your specialty.

More time passes, the reapers continue their rampage. Are they prisoners of this too, doomed to continue the cycles against their will? The real enemy in all this is the leviathan. If so, why should the reapers die to pay for their creators’ crimes?

That is why you stand at this beam, poised to sacrifice yourself for all life--synthetic and organic.

Would Kaidan be proud of your decision? Will he be able to move on more quickly this time having already mourned your death before? Or will it be worse? How much pain have you put Kaidan through since you’ve met? How can you do this to Kaidan again and again?

The galaxy is forever changed, recovery will be one of the most difficult things it endures, but somewhere in there you can see the future you and Kaidan could have. That future feels farther away than the edge of the universe but it’s so damn close that you could touch it, if only you’d simply reach.

But there’s someone who won’t be there no matter how hard you try, no matter what shape the Catalyst wants to torture you with, and you have to wonder what he would do. You were the wrong Shepard for all this, you know that. You were never meant to return to the Alliance. He would’ve been the spectre, he would’ve been the leader to end this war.

...He would’ve been the one forced to make the most impossible decision. But Ryan Shepard is your best friend, your partner in life long before Kaidan entered yours. You know him better than anyone in the Milky Way, and he knew you equally in turn. If Ryan was standing here, you know what he would do. He would close his eyes.

You close your eyes.

He would feel the heat of the light dancing across his skin.

You only feel sick.

He would step closer, silently apologizing for leaving you behind.

You step closer, thinking of Kaidan being told again that you didn’t survive. Your body shakes but whether in exhaustion or in fear, it does not matter.

And then Ryan would let go and he would fall into this beam and the galaxy would be saved at the cost of his life. A person so big and so bright would be dimmed out forever.

Like he is now and has been for the last seven years.

Your eyes open. The light howls in your face. Your eyes burn. Tears spill down and they feel like lava rushing over your skin.

That is what Ryan would do, but you are not him. You take a step back. You are Cal Shepard, and you are afraid to die. You are many things and long ago, you accepted that selfish is one of them.

You take another step back, and another. More, until you're safely out of the light’s deadly glow. You’re crying harder now and the headache it gives you is almost enough to knock you unconscious. Is this how Kaidan’s migraines feel? You turn around.

“I can’t do it,” you cry. “I can’t.”

The Catalyst looks at you with lifeless eyes. But you’re not talking to it. You’re confessing to Ryan. To Kaidan. To Edi, the geth, the reapers, every AI that’s fought for their life against a galaxy that doesn’t understand them.

“I’m sorry.” Your voice whispers so softly, you’re unsure you even spoke those two words aloud. But it doesn’t matter. Your remorse will never be enough and yet that is not enough to stop you from turning back around and staring at the conduit.

Your guns are gone and of course it only happens after Anderson. Your entire life is doused in luck--both incredibly good and horrifyingly bad. But you don’t need bullets, like most of your life you have your biotics to rely on. It takes what little strength remains to create a proper warp, but you manage because you have to.

The conduit crackles like lightning as your power washes over it but it does not break yet. There's still time to change your mind again. You won’t.

Instead you slump to your knees. Your heart pounds, blood rushes through your veins, pain erupts in one of your legs and there’s no way you’re walking out of here. Your lips twist into a sad smile. As if you were ever going to.

More biotics seem impossible in your condition, just like everything else since this journey began. You feel a different kind of warmth course through your tired, battered body. Within the next few seconds, the whole galaxy comes to a halt. You launch a second attack and collapse into a heap on the ground. The conduit violently explodes and the rest of the room starts to follow.

A question you never really asked Miranda is exactly how much of you is cybernetic implant now. ‘A lot’ is vague, is it vague enough to mean that you’ll also be destroyed in this red pulse? Part of you hopes so, if only so you don’t have to live with the guilt of destroying much more than a simple machine. But if you die alone here then it will have all been for nothing.

Your lungs force you to take a sharp breath and it hurts. The edges of your vision dim and this time, you will pass out. You hope you wake up with Kaidan beside you. You hope you don’t remember these final moments. Did you make the right decision? In a situation like this, do right and wrong even exist?

“This is your choice, Cal.”

For a moment, the pain fades. For a moment, you feel at peace until finally you feel nothing at all.

#cal shepard #mshenko #male shepard #mass effect #tomato's writing #it's been a long time since i've been able to write something this quickly

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7deadlycinderellas · 4 years

Text

If the summer of lives could just come again, ch16

A03 link

Over the Wall

Several moons into that year, Rowan stills in the middle of a sentence, and quietly says,

“I think we have a visitor.”

The visitor, causing Jon’s heart to leap into his throat with joy, turns out to be Ghost. Ghost, dragging a dead doe at that. Ygritte attacks the dead animal with a knife and gusto, and they all eat terribly well for several days, Jon scratching Ghost under the muzzle and feeding him the best bits.

And Ghost is excellent for making the caves warmer at night. Sometimes, he even lets them use him as a pillow.

He even allows Ygritte to do it. She pets his head idly.

One night, when Jon is resting his head on the opposite side of him she is, Ygritte quietly asks him.

“I suppose it would never have worked out. We’re just too different.”

Jon doesn’t respond, but it doesn’t really feel like a question.

“I wanted to see over the wall. I’d wanted that since I was a little girl. We saw it together. But it wasn’t enough. You still left me for them.”

“I did swear a vow.”

Ygritte exhales loudly.

“How long were you a crow?”

Jon thinks back, remembering when he took his vow, and the start of the great ranging.

“A little over a year.”

“Do you think any of them are still looking for you?”

Jon feels his insides twist. Sam, Sam would never quit, but he could be overcome. Commander Mormont, he would never willingly leave a man behind. Pyp and Grenn…

“Maybe a few...but I suppose most of them must think I’m dead.”

Ygritte’s silent for a long time, and eventually it’s Jon who breaks it again.

“Once whatever this is is done, I can take you over the wall again. I can show you the south.”

Ygritte sounds half asleep when she responds with,

“That better be a promise.”

Gilly and the other women spend the days up and about, marking on bits of parchment.

“None of us learned to read,” Gilly tells him, “But Rowan wants us to help her map the caves down here, and I can draw well enough.”

Mapping the caves is just one of the things Rowan does. Her and the others occasionally disappear for half a day, gathering something or another.

In the early days, she led him to the heart of the cave, where the corpse of the old weirwood lay, and where Rowan had planted the bulb of a new seedling.

“This was what I was traveling further south for, to find this little babe of a tree,” she tells them, gently petting the turned earth where it will reach upward for the sun.

Jon reaches into his jumbled memories of his last night with the others.

“My brother...he said the three-eyed Raven taught him to see through the weirwoods.”

Rowan nods.

“We fed him from the seeds of the weirwoods, and that allowed him to see through their wood. It was a poor choice.”

Jon tries to imagine Bran, who seems so small, so young, in his memory.

“You said because he was a child.”

Rowan shakes her head softly.

“Not just that. He was a human, and humans cannot carry the weight of the power these centuries old trunks bear. Even the humans gifted with what you call greensight are often afflicted with illness by it.”

Jon watches Rowan stand, and touch the dead roots.

“My name is not truly Rowan. The common tongue has no word so specific for the sound a rowan tree makes when caught in a summer storm. But our language does. We call it the True Tongue. This is the tongue shared by the children of the forest, the plants and animals and the soil of the earth.”

She looks at Jon, gently, like a grandmother might.

“The only human who is said to have ever understood the True Tongue was your ancestor Bran the Builder. He knew how to listen. This is what makes you special Jon Snow, you can speak, and you cal listen. I’m not going to teach you to see through the weirwoods, I’m going to teach you to talk to them.”

King’s Landing

It’s just a normal, clear, sunny-but-cold day when Sansa touches Lady on the neck and slips into her skin.

She creeps through the Red Keep, quiet as a septa, neat as a maid, not even drawing the attention of a mouse.

Not even when she winds up outside the Small Council chambers. She doesn’t linger, doesn’t want to jinx this whole thing. Stannis and Renly have both lingered, seemingly lacking will to leave their brother’s side, even as their feuds rear their heads every other day.

It really does incense Sansa sometimes. Was this was raising her and Arya had been like, she wondered. Did Father and Mother fear that they would still be quarreling well into womanhood?

“It makes me sad,” Shireen had told her one day, out in the garden, The flowers had been dusted with snow, their petals beginning to wilt.

“Do you like living with your uncle?” Sansa had asked.

Shireen nods,

“He doesn’t pay a ton of attention to me, but he’s always light-hearted and up for a laugh. Father always went on and on about how irresponsible he was, but he’s always made sure I ate and went to my lessons…”

The younger girl trails off. Sansa had seen her speak kindly with Renly, and seemed happy spending time under Brienne’s guard, but she also saw the whisper of homesickness in her.

She recognizes it with ease, having gone through plenty.

It is Shireen she thinks of while Lady watches Renly attempt to defend his current lack of heirs.

It isn’t fair, not really, Sansa thinks to herself. She remembers the first day at court, when she’d caught a glimpse of Renly holding Loras Tyrell’s elbow that the truth had struck her like a lightning bolt.

Even Shireen had seen it, it seemed.

“I don’t think he likes ladies, well not like other men do,” Shireen had told her in confidence, “He was always quite kind to Lady Brienne, and many men can’t even muster that.”

But still, it was his house duty, she thought. And Stannis, on the other hand, could always be counted on to do his duty. Which must be why he’s here tending to his brother, even as he’s shouted and raged at on the regular.

She’s seen no sign of the red woman, to her relief.

She pulls herself out of Lady, when she hears someone call her name.

The voice turns out to be that of Lady Margaery, flanked behind by many of her own ladies. She is in the garden again, and Margaery is extending her hand to her.

“My apologies, my lady,” Sansa tells her, moving to lift her skirts and stand, “I’m afraid I was somewhere else for a bit there.”

“No offense taken, Lady Sansa,” Margaery replies, her smile seeming natural, though somehow still somehow painted on. “I was merely hoping to invite you to have tea with my grandmother and I.”

Sansa smiles, and allows herself to be lead.

She would be lying if she said she hadn’t been looking forward to see the old Queen of Thorns again. As the years had gone by, her appreciation of the acid tongue matriarch had only increased, along with her confusion as to her motives.

“Lady Tyrell,” she says, “It’s an honor.”

“Oh, dispense with the arse-kissing if you would, I feel I’ve had more than my share being back in this city.”

Yes, that was the Olenna Tyrell that Sansa remembered. She offers her wine and cheese, and she takes lightly of both.

“So,” Sansa starts, finishing a bit of soft goat cheese, licking her thumb, “is this just for pleasure, or did the two of you want something from me?”

The older woman nodded to herself, though it was her granddaughter who spoke up first.

“Well, you have lived here in the Red Keep for far longer than we have been at court. I imagine you’ve noticed my courtship of Prince Joffrey-”

As if anyone could miss it. Margaery was not subtle when she wanted people to notice her. As she called it ‘her courtship’, which she couldn’t imagine most proper ladies doing.

“-and I was hoping you might tell me about him. He has seemed gracious and gallant to me, but I imagine you know as I do, that men have the same carefully constructed masks we women do.”

“And we would like some insight,” Olenna interrupts, “Into why you, a lovely young maid yourself, seem to have no interest in him yourself.”

Sansa snorts softly, then meters her voice very carefully.

“Because he’s a jackarse that’s why. Met him years ago back home in Winterfell, first thing he did was insult my little sister.”

Her voice is casual, light.

“He likes to slap around his younger brother and sister too. I’ve seen him leave nasty bruises on both. “

Only a small fib. Myrcella had once confessed to Sansa that Joffrey hadn’t hit her since she had learned to stop reacting.

“Both of his uncles give him hell about it. I saw Lord Tyrion slap him once for a comment he made about my crippled younger brother. I’m rather fond of all of them, so I take their words over his. You have siblings, my lady, you must understand.”

At some point, Lady has quietly padded her way into the gardens, and sits by Sansa’s side. She pets the wolf on her head.

“And I am very thankful that Lady here hasn’t even caught his eye, if what poor Tommen said happened to his cat wasn’t just a tantrum.”

If he had ever tried it, Sansa thought, she’s not sure she would have stopped Lady from tearing his throat out this time.

Olenna snorts in response to her words though.

“If you’re assessment of the prince is accurate, than I wonder why wouldn’t tried to dissuade us.”

Sansa shrugs carefully, before meeting Margaery’s eye.

“If you think you can handle it, then who am I to tell you what to do? But you should be aware of what you’re getting into. Not just the prince, the Queen is a whole hornet’s nest herself.”

Sansa feels vaguely trapped inside. This whole game, the politics and the alliances. She had grown good at it, she knows, but she’s become so disdainful of it.

After she finishes her cup of sweet wine, she spies Tyrion walking into the garden and sitting at one of the tables they often played cyvasse on.

“If you’ll excuse my early exit, “ she tells Lady Olenna, standing and brushing off her dress, “Lord Tyrion beat me at cyvasse three days ago, and I believe I am owed a rematch.”

When she approaches the table, she notes Tyrion watching her out of the corner of his eye.

“Tired already of more quality company than me?”

Sansa shakes her head.

“Tired of being used as an unwitting informant.”

Tyrion raises an eyebrow. He has the cyvasse pieces out, and is playing with them idly, though not setting them up properly.

“Seeking advice for the courtship of my dear nephew?”

Sansa smiles wryly. She glances back over at where Margaery sits, with her immaculate hair and gown. Tyrion interrupts her gaze.

“Seemed there was a time you would have wanted the exact place she is in now.”

Sansa laughs bitterly.

“I did. And that wish got me nothing but heartache, abuse and suffering. I was stupid. A stupid little girl with stupid dreams who learned too slowly to even protect herself from her own mistakes.“

Thinking of her younger self, how blind and easily led she had been, nearly makes her want to retch. She shakes the memory off, as she moves to set the cyvasse pieces up. They play nearly in silence until the sun is no longer high in the sky.

“Is it so awful though?” Sansa asks, breaking the silence, in an unusually small voice, “To want to be loved, to want it so much that you let yourself be blinded?”

“No,” Tyrion replies, fiercely, “I don’t think it’s awful at all. Everyone wants to be loved, even if no one admits it. And in my experience, it’s made a great many men and women commit very foolish acts.”

She won’t say to him, won’t admit even to herself, that she’s even sure she would know love anymore. That if it weren’t for her sister, she wouldn’t even be sure if she believed in it anymore.

There’s a flush over their conversation, and Sansa feels a strange warmth bloom in her chest. One she might recognize, if she reached far enough back in her memory.

It’s interrupted, when her father approaches, telling her it’s time for supper.

It’s a simple potato and leek soup tonight, rich with cream and brightened bacon. Over it, Sansa hopes her father won’t bring up the subject she’s been avoiding since they arrived here nearly three years ago.

“You seem quite fond of Lord Tyrion,” he begins, “Any particular reason why?”

Sansa nods softly. She no longer thinks there’s a point in hiding this.

“He was my first husband.”

Ned stares, seeming not to know which word to latch onto. Sansa chuckles. It’s really ridiculous in hindsight.

“It was Tywin Lannister’s handiwork, meant to keep control of the North. We both objected loudly, but didn’t have a leg to stand on to refuse, but we tried to be kind to each other at least.”

She swallows, bitterly.

“I was fourteen, and in retrospect, our complete farce of a marriage was the closest thing to a reprieve I had while I was stuck here, and then…” she trails off, still unsure how to explain the next part, “I didn’t see him for nearly four years, but when we saw each other again, it was the strangest thing...it was almost like we were friends.”

Ned finally cuts her off, with a question.

“You said he was your first-”

Sansa ducks her head, so he will not see her face.

“My second was Ramsey Bolton. He was...not kind.

Ned’s expression of horror is all she needs. She shakes her head roughly again, changing the subject as fast as she can before more questions come.

“Anything new with the council today?”

“Stannis got a raven from the Wall,”

That gets Sansa’s complete attention.

“Who’s in charge now?”

“Alliser Thorne,”

She groans internally. Jon’s words on the man had not been kind. Not that Jon was even there now.

“He’s asking for more men, because wildlings have been attacking the outposts regularly. They sent them to all the Lords.”

Sansa rubs her forehead.

“And of course, Stannis is the only one to take the request seriously.”

Sansa wishes Shireen’s death wasn’t such a black mark on Stannis’s life. That his willingness to follow Melisandre so fanatically hadn’t besmirched him so. He was one of the only men in Westeros who truly seemed to consider the needs of the Realm.

Even before that, she muses, he also killed his own brother, so maybe she was being too generous.

Stannis’s actions end up being overshadowed anyhow.

It’s the middle of the year when Balon Greyjoy dies.

Sansa groans deeply when she learns. This is going to be a mess. She doubts Yara will be able to gather any sort of support without Theon to back her up, so somehow she thinks Euron will end up in charge again. She sends a raven, one of Bran’s that she’s been letting rest on a perch in her chambers and rest, back to Winterfell to try and see if Theon had said anything on the matter at all.

Theon had kept Balon in line, but she doubts Euron has any sort of similar loyalty.

It distracts her though, and she blames that distraction for why she lets someone sneak up on her early the next morning, when she’s down at the training yard.

Thankfully, it’s just Brienne.

“Didn’t take you for an archer, my lady.”

Sansa shrugs her off,

“It’s just for fun. Daughter of one of my father’s friends was a great archer. I thought she looked so elegant doing it. So I asked her to teach me.”

Elegant is pushing it. Sansa might describe Meera in her element as having a sort of wild grace, but she’s not sure she would ever call it elegance. But she is a young woman, with thoughts only of gowns and games, and so she admires elegance.

“For fun? Pulling a longbow takes nearly a hundred pounds of force.”

Sansa laughs, trying to sound blithe. She looses her arrow, and hits the target she has set up. It hits close to the edge, but it’s set further away than she’s set them before.

“You’re assigned to guard Lady Shireen, right? Is she about already?”

Brienne shakes her head.

“The girl is a bit of a late sleeper, and I felt the need for some early morning air before resuming my duties.”

Sansa sets down her bow and sits on one of the brick columns that line the ends of the walkway.

“How is she? I remember when I came here for the first time, I felt so alone.”

“She is..coping. Like she always has. She didn’t have many other young people for friends in Storm’s End, or from her stories, before either.”

Brienne frowns as she continues speaking.

“I fear she may always feel out of place just because of how she looks. I feel coming here, with all the power and attention may only make it worse.”

“This city isn’t a very good place for anyone,” Sansa ruminates, playing with the feather on the end of her bow.

What about you? She thinks, but doesn’t say. Here, Brienne looks the role of a knight, even if she will still insist she is not. She spends her days guarding a defenseless girl for no personal gain, and she will still deny it.

And she has no idea who she would have become.

Joffrey and Margaery announce their engagement halfway through the year. Ned spends the back half of the year with his head between his hands trying to get a grasp on the plans.

“Robert’s not going to make it to the end of the year,” he admits one day during supper.

Sansa purses her lips as she sips her soup.

“I didn’t think so. He looks awful.” Robert’s whole body has become swollen, and despite his famous appetite, he rarely eats anymore.

“I can’t help but feel that planning a lavish wedding while his father dies is in poor taste.”

“He will be king,” Sansa considers, “maybe he wants his reign to start with a celebration. Or maybe Robert wants to see his eldest wed before he passes.”

Ned shakes his head.

“I still can’t wrap my head around Joffrey being king. He doesn’t pay a lick of attention in small council meetings, and on the occasion he does, he lashes out and suggests violence for nearly every issue.”

“He will be an awful king,” Sansa agrees, “But I don’t expect he will be king long.

He probably won’t be murdered at his wedding this time, she thinks, or at least if he is, Sansa doesn’t think she will be the tool of poison. She hasn’t received any unexpected gifts anyway. The Iron Islands are in flux, something tells her Stannis still has his doubts about Joffrey’s parentage, and Littlefinger is still manipulating things (his own wedding to Lysa has just been announced).

And, barring all of that, Varys spoke quietly to her once about the songs of his birds from overseas. The thought of Joffrey being eaten by a dragon does give her a certain sense of satisfaction.

‘You don’t imagine Joffrey will want to keep you as his Hand though do you?” she asks out of the blue.

Ned’s words are rough,

“I can’t imagine. The boy dislikes me, his mother dislikes me more, and they’ve both been vocal about it.”

“Perhaps, once his graces passes, then we’ll be able to go home.”

It’s the only hope they have to hold on to, as the wedding draws near.

Sansa’s not in a good mood the day before. Aside from her general distaste for weddings, she has also just got the raven telling her that she was going to miss Arya’s...again.

Ned is at least as upset about that as she is.

“At least there are still four more of you.”

Sansa is quiet for a long time, then suddenly interjects,

“Robb was married. No one was there but Mother. I don’t even remember his wife’s name. She was from Volantis, I think. None of us got to meet her. The three of them all died the same day.”

Ned reaches out and touches the back of her neck. The gown she’s dressed in for the wedding is a light gray, with long sleeves and a full skirt. She’s tall enough at seventeen that she can now look him straight in the eye.

She stands beside him during the ceremony, and he watches her eyes drift over most of the room.

Joffrey and Margaery say their words, and Ned and Sansa try their best not to roll their eyes.

There are performers after, but scanning the crowd, Sansa lets out a sigh of relief, seeing only one dwarf. The pigeon pie doesn’t choke anyone.

Sansa quietly sips at her wine, and watches.

At one point in the evening, she sees Ned take a sip from Robert’s goblet, and wince. Pycelle is accompanying the King, who is barely holding himself upright. He has not eaten or drank anything at all during the festivities.

“I’ve never tasted anything that strong, I’m almost frightened where he found it,” Ned comments, off hand. Sansa wonders at his words.

Time comes for the bedding. Sansa notices Shireen looking a bit apprehensive, and so grabs her hands and the two of them linger at the back of the mob of women.

“Trust me, you don’t want a hand or eyeful of any of that,” she assures the girl.

The dancers and celebrators still linger in the hall. Sansa notices Cersei still at the high table, seemingly quite drunk. That’s a mess she wants no part of either.

Her and Shireen sit alone, sipping lightly from one cup of wine.

"Do you like it here at all?" Sansa finally asks her.

Shireen shrugs.

"I like meeting other people. I like seeing things happen even if I can't be involved. Renly told me when he was helping me get my gown and everything for the ball last year that it was a shame a girl like me had been kept from the world for so long."

"Aren't people sometimes mean to you though?"

"Of course they are, but they don't matter. Maybe in this life I'll be alone, but that's why I like my books and stories. That's I think what I'd like to do with my life. I want to write stories, whether they're real or not."

Sansa sees in her eyes a touch of resentment, she figures for her parents having kept her trapped for so long.

And slowly, and very quietly, she asks her.

"If I told you a story, a very complicated one, could you keep it to yourself, whether you believed it or not?"

Shireen looks at her oddly.

"I wouldn't tell a soul."

And just like that, Sansa has another confidant.

It feels like things should change all at once, but it still somehow happens slowly.

It’s a few days after the wedding, while guests are beginning to leave. Sansa is wandering the halls, again in Lady, when she comes upon Cersei leaving the royal apartments, with an empty bottle.

Sansa-in-Lady takes a moment to heel behind a statue in the hall, when Littlefinger comes in her direction.

He barely even stops upon encountering Cersei, he merely nods in her direction.

“Such a shame it is,” he says, eyes on the bottle, “For a man to be leveled by something he loved so much.”

And Sansa finds herself slipping out of Lady’s head, a heavy sensation causing her stomach to sink.

Of course it wouldn’t be hard, the way Robert drank, to spike his cups even more heavily. Even if someone were drinking first from his cups, they wouldn’t likely notice.

A death he may have brought on himself, hastened by someone who desperately wanted him gone.

A death that comes barely a moon after his eldest son’s wedding.

“I have to make funeral arrangements,” Ned tells her that evening, when the are sitting and talking, “And arrange for Joffrey’s coronation.”

“And after that?”

Ned sighs. It seems to be his primary vocalization now.

“After...we’ll find out.”

Sansa stares out the window in her chambers that night. It’s a deep, dark, clear night, and the raven for winter flies through.

#game of thrones #A Song of Ice and Fire #gendrya #sanrion #jongritte #time travel fix it #fic

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rosesfromcth · 5 years

Note

let’s talk about mornings with bestfriend/roommate cal! both of you sitting on the couch half awake with bed head and puffy eyes and you’re watching cartoons and drinking coffee and like ugh just being soft with him and being best friends ?? and I DONT KNOW WHERE I WAS GOING WITH THIS

Picturing soft, messy haired Cal. Super cuddly, super puppy dog eyed, just melt my heart. I want a lazy morning with Calum. I had originally planned that this wasn’t going anywhere romantic,,, but uh,,, it did. I ain;t even mad about it. I hope you like it.I am sorry it took me so long get this done because I aint shit. really though I wrote like half of it, steppe away and then when I came back I couldn’t remember where I was going or how I was gonna get there and It took so long to get my mojo back so uh. anywhore

“Y/N!” You’re woken by your best friend’s loud voice which you ignore. He is standing over you, blocking all sunlight from your window. You open one eyelid, halfway and look at him before turning on your other side.

“G’away,” You mumble. That is when he chose to start poking you. Not an unusual occurrence in your two bedroom apartment you share with the dark haired boy. It was enough to let you know it would be one of those mornings for Calum.

‘C’mon, Y/N! It’s 9am! Get up, get up, get up!” The tall boy flops down on the bed next to you which forces you to move so there’s room for his large body.

Maybe it wasn’t one of those mornings. His poking had stopped. You jinxed it, though, by thinking that. When you didn’t make anymoves to get up out of your nice, warm and loving bed, Calum tackled you. He literally flipped from his back to his stomach, landing on top of your sleepy body.

“Get off, fatty.” You tell him. His hands found the sides of your stomach and did the tasering thing that all ten year olds do. You let out an involuntary squeal. The squeal turns into fits of laughter. It isn’t that you aren’t annoyed. Because you are, all you want is to sleep in past ten on a Saturday. You don’t think that’s too much to ask. But it’s hard to resist laughing as he tickled your stomach. You tried to push him off, but one, he’s too heavy and three, he is a lot stronger than you especially when you’re so ticklish.

Finally, he grew tired of the game, but instead of rolling off of you, he just settles himself down on your body, letting his weight sink down on you.

“Lazy morning routine?” He asks as he picks at a few strands of your hair and attempts to braid it. He quickly grows tired of this, too.

Lazy morning routine was something the two of you had developed when you were growing up over many sleepovers. You would also eat themost sugary cereal you could find and watch cartoons. Of course, this had been adapted through the years to fit you as you grew.

He jumps out of your bed before you even get the chance to respond.

“I’ll get the coffee and cereal if you grab all the blanketsand pillows. Meet you at the couch in ten! Don’t forget the newspaper.” He commands. When you were little you would make forts and read the comics, too.Now that was too much work for a lazy morning, so you made a nest on the floor instead now. Along with comics you would take turns finding headlines and making up ridiculous stories behind them.

You force yourself out of bed and stand up. Slowly, you pull the sheets of your bed up so they lie neatly on top of the mattress. After fluffing the pillows, you walk to the closet where you grab a pair of sweatpants and slip them on over your bare legs. You take your time grabbing the spare blankets off of the top shelf of your closet. Really, you guys should keep them in Calum’s closet and make him get them down. Every time you have to grab them you have to grab a step stool, it’s a whole production. But you finally get them down and walk to the living room with them stacked nicely in a laundry basket. You set them down and then head back to your room where you grab a bunch of pillows to cuddle on.

It takes Calum a little bit longer to get breakfast ready than usual. But by the time you’ve finished setting up the tent, he has it sitting on a tray in front of you. You laugh and grab your bowl of cocoa puffs. before looking at his bowl. He has concocted a mixture of lucky charms, rice krispies and reese’s puffs. You feel yourself throw up in your mouth a little. He always makes the weirdest combinations. But the weirdest part of his breakfast this morning is that he poured strawberry milk over his cereal. Blech.

“I can’t believe you eat that.” You state as you dig into your bowl of chocolatey goodness.

“At least I’m not sticking with the same old boring thing.” Calum teases you.

The morning passes and soon its late afternoon. The two of you have yet to move from your spots in your fort. Both of you are seated on opposite sides of the couch, with your feet laying on each other’s chest.

You love days like this, they were something you craved when he was gone. It is your favorite part of your friendship with Calum.

Your day has been filled with giggles and sillyconversations about nothing and everything. You love just sitting around with your favorite boys and doing nothing. Duke is curled up between you on the couch, every once and a while he’ll move up towards your chest and give a little jump before barking for attention Once he feels satisfied, he’ll go back and lay byyour legs and Calum’s waist.

“What are you thinking about?” Calum asks you as you guys lay there in silence watching Tom and Jerry.

You don’t respond at first. Really, you’re just thinking about how much you love days like this. It’s three pm and you guys are still inpajamas and you haven’t left your apartment all day. You were also a bit sad because soon, he would be leaving for tur and you’d be alone in this large apartment. It would feel lonely and empty, even though you still had duke and you knew you’d get to fly out once to visit the boys. But instead of telling him how this all made you sad, you looked over at him, shifting your body so you were able to get a better view of him.

“Nothing much, squish. How about you?” you respond finally.

He looks at you for moment and you can tell he’s trying to break down what’s actually going on in your mind so you shoot him a smile. His stare on you lingers for a few minutes and your eyes lock with his. His pretty brown eyes. You’ve always liked his eyes, you found them comforting. They were often times stormy and hard for other people to read but you always noticed a softness to them. One that only came out when he was with you, the boys or hisfamily. Your gaze shifts over his face, his squishy little cheeks, and his thick eyebrows but in the end your eyes settle on his mouth. The smile you love and is surprisingly plump lips. You find yourself wondering, what it would be like to kiss them. Would they be soft and warm? Or would it be gross? You’d been friends with him for so long and never really thought about him in that way. But now as it popped into your head, you couldn’t remove the thoughts that wandered in and out.

Calum Hood was attractive. He had always been, but puberty had hit him like an MF truck and now, he was beautiful. You couldn’t deny you’d always found him to be rather good looking, but never once had you thought about what it would be like to kiss him or to touch him. People always asked when the two of you were going to get together but that was the extent of your thoughts on the matter.

“Seriously bub, what’s the matter.” His forehead creased in worry and your thoughts went wild. You went from wondering what it would belike to touch him to wanting to kiss his worries away and smooth his worry lines away.

Did you, did you like Calum? You were blown away by the thoughts that kept entering your mind. The only way to put them to rest though would be to test it out. AS quickly as it came on, you knew it was the only option you had for putting it behind you. Besides if it didn’t go well the worst that could happen was it was an awkward thing that you left in the past.

“Honestly. This is going to sound weird.” You start. “I’m wondering what it would be like to kiss you.”

“Oh.” You can tell he’s startled. You worry as you sit there waiting for a response. Maybe you didn’t think this through as much as you should’ve. You have always had the tendency to dive in head first without thinking it through.

“So kiss me then.” He spoke up.

“Wait, really?’ Shock was evident in your tone.

“Only one way to find out.” He said as he sat up. You matched his actions. All of a sudden you’re nervous.How do you do this? How do you kiss your best friend?

Calum sat there waiting for you to do something. Truth is, he has always wanted to kiss you. He has MEGA feelings for you. But he never thought you liked him that way. Maybe you don’t but he wasn’t passing up the opportunity, especially if it might never come around again. He could feel his palms start to sweat. He was getting scared you had changed your mind. The air surrounding you was thick, and he couldn’t handle the tension. Everythingbetween the two of you had always been easy.

Fuck it. He closes the gap between the two of you, placing one hand under your chin to tilt your head up to his and placing the other behind your head, wrapping his fingers instrands of your soft hair. He hesitate for the briefest moment, less than half a second, before taking the plunge and placing his lips on yours.

It’s soft. Your lips are warm against his. Your lips play against his, neither of you really taking the lead. You work in motion with him to create something so familiar and kind, loving and warm. It feels natural to be kissing each other and like something you’d been doing your whole life. It also felt new and exciting, there was, as cheesy as it sounds, a sort of sparkto it that you’d never felt before. You loved the way his lips felt on yours.

Neither of you wants to be the one to pull away, so it’s very slow when whoever pulls away does so. Your foreheads rest against each other’s and your noses are touching. You can tell by the look in Calum’s eyes that he is feeling what you feel as well.

Shit, you’re in love with your best friend.

#5sos #ashton irwin #calum hood #calum 5sos #5 seconds of summer #luke hemmings #michael clifford #calum hood 5sos #ashton 5sos #calum 5 seconds of summer

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tere706 · 5 years

Text

Love is Blind Chpt 9

(I was going to have the conversation with Aaron in this chapter, but I’ve pushed it back to the next one. You’ll get convo + aftermath as chapter 10

Thanks for all the support, everyone!!!

Words: 1496)

Riding the motorcycle with Eddie wasn’t quite as difficult or terrifying as she’d expected. He’d helped her secure the helmet and get on behind himself. Once she had her arms wrapped around his waist, under his coat, and her body pressed as much up against him as possible, it wasn’t too difficult to feel him as he tensed into turns or shifted his weight. Eddie started slow to give her a chance to get used riding with him. The final reassurance was the feeling of Venom’s tendrils curling around her arms. If he was helping to hold on, then she knew she would be safe.

By the time they’d pulled up the police station Eddie had probably been speeding. Liz didn’t care, it was fun to feel the wind tugging her body and the sudden changes in acceleration. Not quite as fun as swinging with Ven, but certainly a good way to get around town.

“Hun, you have to let go of me to get up.” Eddie’s voice sounded very amused as he gently patted her arm.

She gave him another squeeze before letting go, feeling Venom’s tendrils pull away. “If I didn’t have business tonight…”

“Don’t tease!” He burst out into laughter.

Liz grumbled to herself as she swung herself off the bike. Her legs were a little shaky. Eddie handed her the long cane, probably knowing she felt better with it in her hands when she was outside. She tilted her head, listening carefully to everything around them. It was the middle of the night, or early morning, but the station still sounded fairly busy.

“Liz!” That was Cal’s voice, coming closer. She recognized his footsteps a moment later. “Who’s your, uh, ride?” The tone had changed from welcoming to a touch defensive.

“Cal, I came as soon as I could. This is Eddie. He’s…” Liz trailed off a bit, not quite sure how to label Eddie. She didn’t want to hurt his feelings or make this confusing for Cal.

“Boyfriend.” Eddie’s arm slid around her waist, his warm palm resting against her hip casually. “I’m her boyfriend.”

There was a long moment of silent assessment. She didn’t have to see to imagine the two men probably sizing each other up.

“Eddie Brock, huh? I do hope you weren’t looking for files at Liz’s home. She doesn’t take work home with her.” Cal’s voice was sharp, angry and trying to provoke Eddie.

Liz shifted her weight, leaning into Eddie’s side. She could feel his muscles shift as he shrugged calmly.

“Honestly didn’t even know what she did for a leaving until a week after we’d met.”

“Sure.” Cal snorted softly. “The police aren’t going to like having you in the station. Maybe you should wait outside, Eddie. Liz?”

She gently pulled away from Eddie, reaching out to grab his hand as it came away from her waist. Liz squeezed his hand for a moment. “Eddie. Stay out of trouble.” Her words were carefully emphasized. Eddie seemed level headed most of the time. In fact, sometimes he thought too much about things. Venom on the other hand… Liz was glad the symbiote was attached to Eddie. They balanced each other. But it never hurt to remind them, either.

“Of course.” He bent slightly and she felt him lightly kiss her cheek. “Just holler if you need me.” Eddie murmured softly.

Liz smiled and turned to brush her lips against his before stepping back. “I know how to take care of myself.”

“Remind me again, how did we first meet?”

She flipped the bird in his direction, listening to his amused chuckle. Liz knew she was grinning like a stupid teenager and she did not care. Eddie and Venom made her feel giddy. If she’d been at home she would have skipped. Instead she tapped a happy little rhythm with her long cane as she followed Cal into the police station.

The inside of the station was a relief in terms of noise. A cruiser had just left, sirens blazing. It was painfully loud to Liz this close. Inside there was the quiet murmur of voices. Something was printing nearby. The scent of coffee, unsurprisingly, drifted through the lobby.

“Hey Melanie, can you buzz us back?” Cal’s voice sounded calmer now. Liz made a mental note to have a chat with him later about his reaction to Eddie.

“Yeah, yeah. Go ahead.” The woman’s voice, now on their left, sounded bored and tired. There was a faint buzzing sound and a mechanical click.

Cal held the door open for Liz. “Down the hall a bit and there is an open doorway on the right.”

“I remember, Cal. Don’t worry.” She murmured, lightly tapping her long cane as she walked. Liz could hear the sound rumble of male voices up ahead, growing louder. Several detectives and officers were probably working at their desks.

“Ms. Elizabeth. Why am I not surprised to see you here?” The gruff voice was resigned and faintly amused. The man walked toward her, his steps heavy.

Liz felt a smile tugging at her lips as she replied. “Officer Rodgers. A pleasure to see you again.”

“Ha ha, very funny. You know you can call me Allen.”

“And you can call me Liz. I thought you were being formal. How’s the kids?”

Officer Allen Rodgers chuckled. “They’re growing faster than I can keep up with.” Now he sounded proud. Liz knew Allen’s two children. She’d recorded a voice over of a book as a Christmas gift to them last year.

“Can you take me back to see Aaron, please?” Liz hated to break the happy moment, but she was worried for the teenager.

“I was one of the officers on call for that tonight. It’s a mess and we didn’t even manage to round up all the people involved. The only reason the brass agreed to let you speak to the kid is because he demanded it in exchange for helping us.” His tone had changed, flipping over to serious cop mode. It was still his voice, but it also wasn’t.

Liz sighed and nodded. “At least he’s smart enough to work with you. I’m sorry, Allen.”

“I’m sorry too. Come on.”

Allen didn’t try to hold her hand or treat her like she couldn’t follow him. He’d made that mistake when they first met. Liz had used it as an excuse to smack his leg repeatedly with her long cane. On accident of course. Plenty of the other officers had not learned their lesson yet.

“Rodgers, who’s that?” A new voice, male and a little nasally.

“This is Ms. Elizabeth Veritas. She’s the youth counselor that was requested.” Allen stepped to the side a bit more, likely to give a clear view of Liz.

The other office gave a faint snort of derision. “Sure, but she can’t go in the holding cell by herself.”

“Why not?” Liz asked sweetly.

“Because you would be in danger. You can’t defend yourself if the suspect becomes violent.”

“And he certainly isn’t going to talk to me if an officer is hovering over my shoulder. Sir, with all respect, I know Aaron very well. I’ve been his counselor and therapist for two years now. He requested me because he wants to help you. If something happens, I can call out for help. And I’m not helpless.” Liz tried for a mixture of firm, but respectful.

“Jacob, I’ll be just down the hall. The kid doesn’t have a history of violence.” Allen’s voice was a patient rumble. The man was older and steadier as a cop.

Jacob sighed and there was another buzzing noise followed by a mechanical click. “I am not taking shit if this goes downhill. She’s blind, she won’t see anything coming.” He grumbled.

Liz stepped forward, following behind Allen again. She tapped her long cane ahead of her, despite being able to hear where the walls were. As she passed the nasally cop she flicked her long cane to the side. It smacked his ankle with a pleasing crack.

“Ow! Fuck, you little b-!”

“Sorry. Didn’t see you there.” Liz smiled brightly in his direction, hurrying through the doorway.

Allen sounded like he was struggling not to laugh. “Calm down, Jacob.” He spoke over the other man’s splutters. “What are you going to say? The little, blind girl assaulted you? It was an accident.”

Liz heard the Jacob muttering under his breath as the bullet proof door swung shut. “Ungrateful bitch.”

They started down the quiet hallway. Most of the holding cells were probably empty, or their occupants sleeping.

“That was mean.”

“He’s an ass.”

“Aw, Liz, Jacob is new.”

“Then I’ll beat him into shape for you.” Liz said cheekily. She didn’t want to have to talk to Aaron. To hear how he’d tried to ruin his life. Why had he chosen to destroy everything he’d been building for himself?

“Just don’t break anything.” Allen said with a chuckle.

“No promises.”

(Double tagging? Don’t trust tumblr? @dark-night-sky-99, @inumorph, @liadreyar-dragneel, @lunalustrix, @thirstyforvenom)

#love is blind #venom x reader #eddie brock x reader #eddie brock | venom x reader #protective eddie #dark-night-sky-99 #inumorph #lunalustrix #thirstyforvenom #liadreyar-dragneel

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holycalum · 6 years

Text

vice (c.h.) part 4!

summary- (y/n) returns home and things get kinda bad before they get good.

word count- 4.5k+

a/n- ok WOW so vice is over this is the last part wowwowow. i’m so glad so many people enjoyed reading this because i loved writing it and im so happy with how it turned out. thanks so much for reading ALSO im so very sorry i have idea how college works im a high school student i dont know anything ok bye

part 1 part 2 part 3

the days leading up to my return to school were blurred together. but they day i did return was crystal clear.

i swung the door to my dorm open, greeted by only samantha, but no sign of britt.

“hey,” i sighed, plopping down on my bed, i toyed with the ring on my finger nervously.

“what is that?” samantha asked, noticing the diamond first, not bothering to greet me. she strided towards me, grabbing my hand, eyes blown wide at the sight of the diamond. “(y/n)...”

“i don’t wanna talk about it,” i mumbled, wiggling my hand out of her grip. it didn’t look right on my hand, it was too much.

“you’re engaged.” she deadpanned, dropping her hands from mine. i bit my lip hard, trying not to scream, i wanted to keep it to myself so it didn’t have to be real. “have you told your toy?”

“what?” i cautioned, whipping my head towards her. my eyes turned to slits. “calum.” she stated, “can’t go around fucking around-well fucking him-with him anymore-you’re engaged.” i tensed up at the weight of the situation.

“i don’t wanna-“

she cut me off, “hurt him?” she jabbed, eyebrows raised in a condescending manner. “you did that when you got involved with him, when you knew this could happen.” i clenched my jaw, eyes staring straight into her forehead. it felt like everyone was against me.

i got up slowly, raking my fingers through my hairs. tears brimmed in my eyes at my swarming thoughts, it was all too much.

“i need a minute...” i murmured, already halfway out of the door. the air was bitter and it nipped at my skin harshly. i pulled out my phone, dialing calum’s number.

“hey, sunshine.” he beamed, and i could hear the smile in his voice, it almost made me forget about the weight on my ring finger.

“when do you get home?” i asked, biting my thumb nail.

“i’m home now,” he answered, relaxing my body further. “why, what’s up?”

“you promised you’d see me when i got back,” i reminded him, and i could hear him chuckle on the other line.

“should i stop by your place to pick you up?” he asked,

i smiled, “yeah, i’d like that.” i made my way back to my room, and i watched as my ring glinted in the sunlight and bounced off the snow on the ground. it was pretty, but it made me feel so ugly. i stepped into the bathroom, avoiding samantha, so i could freshen up before calum picked me up.

i took longer than usual, and it wasn’t a problem until i heard the door open, and i floated towards the entry way, eager to see calum. i stopped dead in my track when i heard samantha begin to speak.

“what are you doing here?” she spat, the words rolling off her tongue like they’d kill her if she held it in any longer.

calum paused, “i’m here to pick up, (y/n)...” he answers hesitantly, and i felt frozen in my spot.

“calum, honestly,” she snorted, “do you not get it?” every word she spoke sent nails into my feet, keeping me in one place.

“i’m confused,” i pressed my ear up against the wall separating us. “i thought you were her friend.”

“i am, that’s why i think i should do this,” she began, “she’s not in this for the right reasons. none of us think it’s fair she has to marry david, but none of us can change that, and she’s using you.”

“what do you mean, using me?” he sneers,

“you’re a distraction, obviously.” she retorted, “look at her, look at yourself. you’re everything her parents would absolutely hate. this is her way of getting back at her parents without them ever knowing.”

“you don’t know the half of what we even do,” calum said, “how would you even know.”

“all i’m saying is,” she lowered her voice, “engaged girls don’t start real relationships because she cares about the other person, it’s because they’re unhappy, and they need a distraction.” i ripped the nails in my feet out to stand where the two were discussing, eyes watering.

“samantha...” i croaked, my voice pleading her to stop. i looked at calum, his face dropping.

“you’re engaged?” he muttered, and my arms felt heavy. his eyes trailed down to my hand, his face went pale. “you really are.”

“calum it’s-“

“it’s over then? right?” his voice was shaking, chest heaving, while mine tightened in fear.

“no calum- wait.” i sputtered, trying to reach out to him. he pulled his shoulder back, as if touching me would set off a ticking time bomb.

“there’s no ‘wait’, (y/n). this is the way it has to be. right?” he waited for my answer, but i had none. “right?” he repeated, louder that time, making me shrink into myself a bit.

samantha stood there, arms crossed against her chest, green eyes piercing into mine. it felt like she was communicating finish him, with only a look.

“this isn’t how i wanted this to go,” i said weakly, all feeling leaving my body.

“yeah...” calum said bleakly, “too late.” with those words he left, slamming the door behind him. my stomach dropped as soon as the slam traveled through the room. my knees almost gave out, and my mouth hung open.

“calum!” i squeaked, taking one long step towards the door, but samantha stopped me by my shoulders.

“you’re gonna make things worse.” i stared straight through her.

i made a b-line to my bed, falling into it, my body completely hollow. burying myself under my covers and surrounding myself with soft pillows i tried to dull the sharp edges of my thoughts. i laid staring at the wall, gripping a small pillow close to my chest, only movement being blinking, and the occasional sniffle. samantha left, and i didn’t notice until i let my tears fall freely, dripping onto the pillow, creating a growing wet spot, and that no one was there to ask if i was ok or not.

“oh no...” britts voice followed the door opening, a while later, “(y/n).”

“it hurts to breath,” i mumbled, not looking at her, i felt the bed dip.

“what happened,” her voice lulled quietly, a hand now splayed across my shoulder.

“samantha spewed bullshit to calum and we fought and he left and i’m engaged and i’m never gonna be fucking happy.” i repeated, not once breaking my starting contest with the wall. i felt her hand stroke my hair, the feeling hardly penetrated through my numbness. “he won’t even listen to me, but why should he? what’s the point? there’s no point.”

“don’t say that, babe.” britt whispered, her soft voice hushed.

“it’s ok, britt.” i assured her, “i got it now, i’m just meant to be with david. i hurt anyone else too much.”

i spent the next few days in bed, feeling too heavy to even get up. i couldn’t muster the strength to roll out of bed to even shower, or eat. i looked a mess, but i couldn’t care. the days and nights melded together, throwing me for a loop every time i woke up from another nap. my classes had been avoided, but it didn’t matter, it wouldn’t matter in the end.

wednesday rolled around, the time i’d usually take to walk with calum to our morning lecture, was instead filled with the same thing i’d been doing, laying i bed. the thought made my body sink into my bed further. the whole time i was awake i was uncomfortable, too hot, too cold, not in the right position, so i slept as much as possible, trying to minimize the time in between. while i dreamt i didn’t have anything to do, just whatever my brain made up.

i watched the time tick by during my scheduled lecture, imagining what calum could be doing, how we was, how he felt.

i decided i wanted to go home, to just drop out and give in. there was nothing left for me here, my fate was sealed with the diamond on my finger. staying there was hurting far too much. it seemed like my mom was right all along. i simply wanted to forget about everything.

my phone found itself in my hand, as soon as my wednesday lecture should’ve ended. i got ready to call my mom, to tell her i’d come home. as if it was on cue, calum’s contact popped up, accompanied by the once endearing, but now nearly anxiety inducing ringtone he’d chosen for himself.

“hello?” i rasped, scrunching my eyebrows. holding the phone up to my ear was the most i’d done in days.

“you weren’t in class today.” he stated,

“i thought you didn’t care,” i mumbled,

“you weren’t in class today,” he repeated and i wanted to bang my head against a wall.

i sighed, “yes, i’m aware.”

“are you ok?”

“no.” i stated, “i thought you didn’t care.”

“obviously i still care, (y/n).” he spat coldly, and i could picture him standing outside our lecture hall, a frown on his face with his toned arms across his chest, he could be such a child sometimes.

“ok so you called me, now what? if you’re just gonna be a dick about it-“

“shut up for a second,” he snapped, and i was too tired to argue back, “i’m not out to get you.”

“why’d you call?” i asked finally, flopping my opposite hand on my lap, examining my ring.

“i was worried.” he answered, “can we talk?”

“i thought you didn’t want to talk,” i grit my teeth, a headache forming between my puffy eyes.

“i don’t want to,” he breathed, “but i feel like maybe we should.”

“why?”

“it’s fucking hard to stay away from you, sunshine.” it was an out of body experience, being called sunshine after being deprived of the nickname for so long. i was almost giddy.

i was convinced the only reason i dragged myself out of bed and to the shower was because of calum, and my incredible ability to not say no to him. it did feel good, to shower and feel things other than my bed sheets.

i looked like hell as i trekked from my dorm to calum’s apartment. the freezing winter air nipped at my already raw nose. when i was finally buzzed into cal’s apartment, beads of sweat formed on my face from the sudden change in temperature and nerves coursing through my body.

calum’s face appeared in front of me, daunting stature looming over mine. my breath hitched in my throat.

“come in,” he murmured, stepping to the side awkwardly, the air surrounding us was unlike what it usually was when we were at calum’s apartment. “ash isn’t home.”

“since when have you lived with ashton?” my heart sped up, this was too much.

“since forever,” he rolled his eyes, making his way to the kitchen, he was draped in a green sweatshirt, hood pulled over his curls. “why, do you secretly have a serious relationship with him too?”

“don’t start with me, calum.” i warned, already feeling my neck heat up in anger. “david was never a secret, you knew as well as i did.”

“whatever,” he grumbled, snatching a water bottle from his fridge, clutching it tightly.

“calum,” i breathed, “don’t shut me out. you asked me to come over.” he gripped the bottle tighter.

“give me one single fucking reason i shouldn’t.” he said through gritted teeth, finally making eye contact with me.

my mouth fell open, “i-i don’t,” i stammered, not being able to find the words to tell him to just talk to me. “you asked me to come over.” he scoffed,

“this isn’t just my fault,” i started, “you got into this just as much as i did, you wanted to talk-here i am.”

“did i? because i feel like i’m a whole lot more involved than you are.” he laughed bitterly, ignoring my answer.

“what? do you think i was faking it?” i raised my voice, my skin crawling underneath my jacket, i shrugged it off.

“well i for one-“ he slammed his hands on the counter, the water bottle never leaving, “didn’t get engaged over winter break, so there’s that.” he was only adding fuel to the fire.

“and you know it’s not real,” i whined, “not like this cal, you know that. you know i was scared it’d happen.”

he pulled his lips into a tight line, “so why am i to believe that this,” he gestured between the two of us, “isn’t as real as what you have with him.”

“so, you do think i lied to you,” i scoffed, sucking in my bottom lip, biting down harshly.

“i don’t know what i think!” he yelled, fingers tugging at his hair. “i think i’m fucking mad at you! i’m fucking mad at myself.” the bottle in hand was dangerously squeezed between his fingers, it would burst at any moment. angry tears burned in my eyes.

“i trusted you,” he tensed, fingers white around the bottle. “i thought-“

“i’m not lying, i never was, i didn’t have anything to lie about.” i rambled.

he chuckled, “you have no idea what you could’ve lied about.”

“and i wasn’t,” i protested,

“why shouldn’t i believe i was just a time filler, someone to distract you while you have a whole life set up?”

“because you weren’t,-“

“i get it, sunshine,” the name didn’t sound sweet like honey anymore, it stung, “you wanna piss of your parents right? scare them a little bit, get out of this marriage and then move on? that’s what you wanted, that’s what you’ve always wanted,”

“you sound fucking insane right now,” i spat, not believing the words i was hearing. i could barely find any words to respond.

“i can’t do this anymore, not with you.” he said, he wasn’t looking at me anymore, his eyes were focused on the wall behind me, “i can’t sit by and do nothing when you’re suffering so much. there’s nothing i can do...” his voice was wavering, but i could tell he tried to pretend it wasn’t. his eyes were glassed over, clearly overwhelmed.

“was that the point of this? to yell at me?” i screamed in his face, a finger jabbing at my own chest. “you wanted to make me feel shittier than i already do?” the crushing sound of plastic filled my ears as calum’s eyes burned with fire.

“are you even listening to me right now?” i shouted, “why are you doing this? you’re just rambling about nothing-“

“because i can’t do this,” he snapped, “are you listening to me? you’re hurting me, and every minute you stand here broken in front of me, it kills me. you hurt me, (y/n). i let you in, and it hurt me.”

i let out a frustrated shout, “why are we talking right now then?” he swallowed hard, “if i’m just hurting you? why am i here? to yell at me? is that it?” my words were slow. i waited for a response and got none. “tell me calum! you’re not the only one hurting.”

“you’re yelling at me too, why’d you agree? to yell at me?” he mocked, and it made my skin crawl.

“you make me so angry,” i cried, rubbing my face harshly. “i’m trying to fucking move on. then you come back, every fucking time i don’t want to see you at all, and you make me rethink every damn thing. i wanna go home, calum. and i was ready to and now i’m standing here instead of packing my shit.” my thoughts were moving a million miles a minute, and i couldn’t slow down.

“so you’re just gonna leave?” he growled, slamming the water bottle down onto the table hard, sending the cap flying across the room, and water down the sides of the counter. “i’m in fucking love with you, (y/n) and there’s nothing i can do about it, maybe that’s why i called you, to get some fucking closure, i couldn’t really tell you.”

next thing i knew, i was hurdling a plate at the wall behind calum, watching it shatter into a million pieces.

“fuck,” i gasped, feeling my legs give out underneath me. my face landed in my palms, and tears ran down the sides of my hands as i collapsed into a chair. “fuck you,” i cried,

“what the hell, (y/n)?” calum gritted, looking between me and the shattered ceramic on the floor behind him.

“you didn’t have to say that,” i sobbed, my heart absolutely full in the worst way. i ran my hands through my hair, looking at calum with glassy eyes.

he clenched his jaw, “say what? that i’m in love with you. i love you. i’m sorry, it’s what it fucking is, it doesn’t matter anyway. you always said that it doesn’t matter, this is how it is. you wanna fucking leave anyways,”

“what else am i supposed to do? one minute you’re telling me to leave you alone, and then you’re telling me to come over and now we’re fighting because we’re hurt.” i tried to piece everything together in my head, and i couldn’t find a single answer, “you keep saying we can’t do anything about this, but you keep talking and you keep dragging me along, calum. what do you want,”

“i want you to say it back,” his hands gripped the sides of his wet counter, “you say it back and i’m yours.” his voice was desperate and broken.

“what?” i spit, “you were yelling at me ten seconds ago.”

“say you love me too, and i’m yours.”

“calum what are you on?” a lump growing in my throat, “you know i can’t do that,” a tear rolled down my cheek.

“you can leave if you really want to,” he bit down on his bottom lip, “but i know you don’t want to, what do you want, (y/n)? that’s what matters, you can control that.”

“calum,” i pleaded, “you’re making this so much harder.”

he kept his eyes glued to the table top, “you always say you wish it were different,” the silence between his words were filled with the sound of a steady drip of water onto the floor. “you don’t have to wish you can make it different-“

“it’s just how it is-“

“but it’s not,” he explodes, finally looking at me, “it’s not how it is, not right now, and we can figure something out, we can do whatever you want, this is your fucking life.”

“i’m scared,” i admitted, and then was in front of me, standing over me as i sat on one of his chairs. it was a complete no-brainer, but my head was on high alert, using all of its willpower to get me to walk away.

“yeah, i’m scared too,” calum breathed, “(y/n) i don’t think you get it, i don’t do this for people. i do this for you, and that’s not nothing. i want you, i want all of you.”

“are you sure,” i carefully stepped around my words, trying not to set him off again.

“please just say it back,” he pleaded, making my stomach twist. i fiddled with the ring on my finger, swirling it around my finger nervously. “i’ve literally never been so sure about anything in my life, you almost took my head off with a plate and i’m standing here, begging you to say you love me back, sunshine.”

“i love you,” i gave up, letting the waves of calum consume me completely, my ring fell to the floor with a quiet thump. “i love you. i love you.”

his lips were on mine, pushing the dark cloud above my head far away from us. our bodies curved together, leaving as little space as possible in our position. he pulled away,

“i love you,” he whispered against my lips, breath fanning over my face. i let my hands splay across his flushed cheeks, rubbing my thumb against his skin. i pulled him back into me by his jaw, wanting nothing more than to feel him love me. “i’m so sorry, i love you.” he gripped my arms tightly as if i’d slip like sand through his fingers. our exchange was a silent agreement to make it work, to find something in the darkness.

calum’s presence enveloped me as we sat against his headboard, bodies intertwined. the ring was long forgotten about, not moving from its place on the floor of calum’s kitchen with the broken plate and dripping water.

“i think we should talk,” he began slowly, “not scream at each other, talk.”

“yeah,” i sighed, fingers intertwining his, the warmth sending feeling throughout my whole body. “it wasn’t fake, cal. it never was, please know it was all real, realist i’ve ever had.”

his fingers were gentle as he ran a hand through my hair, “i know,” his movement stilled, “i was just scared, i don’t know. i don’t let people in like that, i just-“

“jump to conclusions,” i joked, and he grinned a bit.

“yeah,” he chuckled, wiping the corner of his eye, “i did.”

“it wasn’t just you- i was, i didn’t think it through. i should’ve told you,” i twirled a finger around his, tracing the dark words on his hands. “i didn’t know what to do, i mean shit- i still don’t. i’m still engaged.”

“i know,” he acknowledged, “it’s shitty, but if you don’t want it, i’ll help you. i’ll do whatever i can,” i smiled to myself, letting my eyes shut.

“you make me feel like a person,” i whispered, glancing up at him. “it’s so much different, being with you. i feel like i’m growing, yanno?” being with calum made me realize i was more than a girl bound to a boy from a small town. i was me, and i could be whoever i wanted.

i laughed, shaking my head, “that sounds kinda stupid.” he pulled me closer to his chest,

“it doesn’t,” he mumbled against my head, leaving a lingering kiss there. “you could sell the ring, you know?”

“what?” i scrunched my eyebrows, pulling away to look at him.

“the ring,” he nodded, “it was a gift, technically. he proposed on christmas eve. legally, that ring is yours to do whatever you want.”

i giggled, “what, you wanna buy a pig with the money?”

“i’m just saying,” he smiled, suddenly lighting up, “after we graduate, we can get a place and stuff and our own couch-“

“our own place?” i repeated,

he brushed a piece of hair out of my face and smiled widely, “why not?”

“well,” i chewed my bottom lip, a smile playing on them, “i have an engagement to call off.” nothing in my life had felt more right than that, the weight lifting off my chest at those words were worth everything.

“this is real,” calum bumped our foreheads together.

“i’m ok with it though,” calum connected our lips briefly, “i’m happy with it.” “i’m not happy with you,” my mother growled over the phone, later that night. i was stood in the middle of calum’s kitchen, it was late. calum had fallen asleep not long before i decided i couldn’t wait any longer. i held the ring between my fingers.

“mom,” i shut my eyes, setting the ring down. “i can’t- i can’t pretend for the rest of my life.”

“(y/n)...you don’t even know! you wouldn’t even know you’re pretending.” she tried to reason with me,

“are you hearing yourself? that’s so manipulative.” i fought, trying to keep my voice low. “come on mom,”

“are you really that unhappy?”

“no,” i smiled, “i’m not, because i-“

“you what?” she sounded worried, “don’t tell me you met someone.”

“i met someone, mom.” i finished, my heart full at the thought of calum sleeping peacefully only a room over. “and i’m so happy, and i can’t bear the thought of not feeling like that. even if it’s not with him forever,”

“you can’t feel that with david?”

“no,” i answered, “i love someone, and i love that this person wants me to be me and grow and live. i have more to offer than whatever i could give david.” “i just-“ she was speechless,

“have you told david?” i breathed a sigh of relief at her words,

“not yet,” i whispered, playing with the ring. “i wanted to talk to my mom first.”

“i think you should call him,” she paused, “i want you to call him.”

“ok,” i smiled, and hung up. allowing myself a moment to breath before i called david.

“sounded heavy.” i almost screamed when i turned around and saw ashton leaning against the wall.

“ashton,” i tried to recover smoothly, stretching my arms behind me, “hey.”

“you’re (y/n),” he held a hand out, “calum talks about you.” i shook his hand cautiously,

i smirked, “good things i hope?”

“most of the time,” he chuckled,

“yeah...” i glanced to his bedroom door, “i don’t blame him, i can be a handful.” a friendly smile spread across ashton’s face.

“nothing he can’t handle,” he shrugged, “seems to be smitten with you, i’m sure he’ll survive. happily, if i may add.”

“i hope so,” a blush creeping onto my cheeks, at the thought of calum instead of ashton, surprisingly. “kinda breaking off an engagement for him, it’d be nice if he did his part.”

ashton raised his eyebrows, “shit,” he mumbled, “wasn’t filled in on that part, wondered why cal was so quiet.” i clicked my phone on and off,

“i messed up,” i huffed, “i’m gonna try and fix it thought, for calum.”

“i’ll leave you to it then,” ashton waved and made his way to the opposite end of the apartment.

i called david, and set the phone on the counter leaving it on speaker. i got to work picking up the broken piece of the plate on the floor as i waited for him to answer the phone

“(y/n)?” david questioned, “you never call me, what’s up?”

“we need to talk,” i spoke, gathering the bigger pieces in my hand first, careful not to cut myself.

“about?”

“we’re not getting married.” i spoke, throwing the largest pieces away. david was silent on the other end.

“why?” he spat, voice raising. i rolled my eyes at his volume, and held the phone to my ear, sandwiched between my shoulder and ear.

“i don’t love you david, not like that.” i swept up the smaller shards, making sure the floor was clean. “i need to be my own person, and we just aren’t meant to work.”

“so what are you saying?”

“i’m saying,” i dropped the piece in the trash, “it’s over. we’re not engaged, we’re not getting married.”

“well,” he said, “ok.” and he hung up, leaving me with a ring and a clean floor. i quickly wiped up the water on the counter and floor, before creeping back into calum’s room. i slid back into bed as quietly as possible.

calum rolled over to face me, “where’d you go?” he muttered sleepily, a yawn escaping his lips.

“i had to clean up,” i whispered, brushing a curl back. he wrapped warm arms around me,

“didn’t have to do that,” he said into my neck, leaving a sweet kiss.

“don’t worry about it, sleepy boy.” i scratched his head lightly, “let’s go to bed.”

i laid next to calum that night, and many after that as well.

a/n- well now its really over wow that makes me emo thanks so much for reading means a lot i hope you liked it and i hope you don’t hate the ending (((: IF UR NOT DONE W ME !!! feel free to send requests or follow me to see other stuff i defo plan on writing (; ok love u bye thank you bye

TAGS: @blxndeprincess @pancahke @tittymuncher69 @rexorangecouny

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antitheticalsymbiosis-blog · 6 years

Text

Beginning the long journey... (Year 0, Day 1 [sorta])

As I begin down this long and arduous path, I figured why not catalog all of my progress (and failures) in a blog for the world to see!

All memes aside, I should probably begin with an

INTRODUCTION:

I’m Manuel; my friends call me Manny. I’m a recent graduate from a bachelor of music (B.Mus) program in southern California where I was fortunate enough to meet some great friends, mentors, and professionals who helped guide and inspire me to create some awesome aural artwork. I’ve loved music for as long as I could remember, and it was always something that drove me to be my best. I’ve aspired to play many instruments from a young age and always sought perfection trying to master their intricacies. I studied both composition and saxophone performance in college, while frequently freelancing as an audio engineer (my current line of work).

But wait, isn’t this a game development blog?: Yes, yes it is.

Due to a variety of circumstances and personal interests, I’ve decided to jump ship from one extremely difficult creative field (concert/classical/experimental music) to another (game development), leaving behind a life I feel indebted to and, honestly, still love very much. I’ve been thinking of making this jump for quite some time (a year or so), with a long, loooooong history of engaging with the video game medium on a deeply-infatuated level, which ultimately backs up this decision. Throughout my life, video games always played a pivotal role in my own forms of expression, happiness, leisure, and community. From my very first Gameboy Color to the now flourishing Nintendo Switch, from Pokemon to Monster Hunter to Bioshock and more, I’ve been hooked. Honestly, I’ve always considered these worlds my second, third, fourth, and n-th homes. Because of this, I’ve felt like I have a duty to give back to the community however I can. After five years of collegiate study and ridding the struggle bus, I realize that there’s no better time than the present to chase this dream. THE NOW, or WHERE TO START:

In firmly deciding on this change, I didn’t necessarily know where to begin. Hell, I didn’t even really know what careers or roles existed in the game development community. After finding scouring the internet and finding some helpful resources, I was blown away at the sheer amount of readjusting I’d need to do to even think about entering this field.

For example, this messy bundle of terms flooded my brain while trying to get a grasp of the industry:

Senior-level

Lead

Technical Director

Junior-level

Temp

Frequent moving

Designer

Level Design

Mechanics

Game Design Document

UX/UI

Programmer

Game Engine

Systems

Game Engines:

Unreal

Unity

Doom

Quake

C++

Python

Scripting

Engineer

Architecture

Audio

Tools

Networking

Artist

Environment Artist

Concept

3ds MAX

Maya

Autodesk

Animation

Skeletal Meshes

Automated Scripting

Debug Databases

Localization

Producer

Disengaged from content creation

Overseer

Independent

Freedom to create vs automated jobs in AAA

AAA companies

Subsidiary studios

Outsourcers

Art

Animation

Publishing

Audio

First-Party Studios

Publishers

Outsourcing

Non-Disclosure Agreements (NDAs)

Marketing

Analysts

Free-to-Play

Microtransactions

Community

Blogging

Twitch

Streamers

Issues

Pay Disparity

Poverty

Under-appreciated

Sexism

Representation

Minorities/POC

And this list over-simplifies the complex web these roles create with each other. That being said, the last month or so has consisted of me scouring the internet for resources, deciding on what my long-term and short-term goals are, and orienting myself towards taking on Goliath.

MOVING FORWARD:

After being bombarded with this information, I decided that the best course of action for moi was to shoot for a game engineering/programming role, as I also had a brief two-year stint in astrophysics research and STEM coursework during my undergraduate degree. Another one of my passions, the STEM fields have always held a dear place in my heart and I picked up a lot of programming skills/languages in college, notably Java & Python. Intensive music study has also done wonders for the technically-oriented work I currently do, so I figured it would be fun to challenge myself with STEM-oriented work once again. So far, I hold a great, great admiration for lead game designers like Hideo Kojima and others, so design is also something I’m looking into. RESOURCES:

In doing my research, I’ve found a variety of extremely helpful resources that provided me with the insight to start this journey. I’ll post the most helpful ones below: GameDevUnchained (Podcast/Website):

This podcast, hosted by Brandon Pham & Larry Charles (both established AAA game developers), explores the current state of affairs in the video game industry. Their conversations are filled with wit, charm, and tons of information, from wage negotiation and employment to indie development and technical direction. No topic is missed* (well, except for the exact technical aspects of being an artist, developer, or programmer). Despite this slight oversight, it’s still worth its weight in gold due to the fact that they bring in a new guest every week who touches on a specific topic. I’ve gained most of my working knowledge about the industry’s complexities from this source. [Currently on episode: 26] Game School Online (GSO):

This revolutionary piece of pedagogy is an online game development school that is ENTIRELY FREE. Founded and ran by the hosts of GameDevUnchained, GSO’s main focus is free game development education with a focus on artwork, modeling, and technical artistry done through the Unreal 4 engine. The school is optionally supported through Patreon and provides special benefits to subscribers; however, a subscription isn’t necessary to enroll. Enrollment periods happen 4 times a year, with heavy waitlists for non-subscribers due to the need to keep class numbers down. Their educators consist of “Scholars” who teach and monitor the courses, all of whom are active AAA/Indie developers. Notable Scholars include Brandon Pham, Larry Charles, Leo Gonzales, Olaf Piesche (my mentor!), Matt Brown, Tai Chen, and many others. For subscribers, there’s the option to interact 1-on-1 with scholars, serving as lessons and mentorships to poise the budding student to enter the field. I’m currently a $40/month subscriber, which gets me a 30-minute session every month with Olaf. I’d like to stress, however, that at its current state GSO seems heavily oriented towards artists, with the art-oriented roles overshadowing the engineer/programmer roles 8-to-2. In addition, all classes are oriented towards art or design. This means Olaf & Matt are only doing 1-on-1 sessions. -_- *Oh well, better than nothing.*

The next two are both variations on the paid-online-schooling trope, but they seem alright nonetheless...

Coursera:

Coursera is a platform that hosts specialized “certification” courses that were designed by universities around the world. These certification courses are essentially a compilation of videos, assignments, and online templates that are moderated by online staff (and presumably not monitored by the actual course instructors ever). Each certification consists of about 4-6 classes and takes anywhere from 6 months to a year to complete. Each class runs an average of 1-2 months and has about 1 assignment due every week. There is a peer-grading system which can be iffy at times, but it’s worked out well for me so far. The only downside is that these courses can be EXPENSIVE; however, there are financial aid options for those of us *ahemmeahem* that can’t afford the costs. Luckily, my cost for the first class was waived completely. I’m currently enrolled in the Game Design certification course created by Cal Arts. I’ll be updating you all on my progress every week as I work through this course. Something odd I’ve noticed is that the videos for the Intro to Game Design course are astoundingly short; I’m surprised this course costs anything at all given the kind of information I’ve received out of it so far.

Udemy:

Like its quasi-academic counterpart, Udemy hosts courses created by content creators (I’m not too sure on the qualifications these creators have...) that consists primarily of video tutorials. The beautiful thing about Udemy is that, unlike Coursera, their courses often times cost very little if you go through the right channels! This means promo codes from websites like IGN or your favorite tech reviewer, etc etc. I was fortunate enough to grab the Unreal Crash Course course for $10 through an IGN promotion last month. Also unlike Coursera, there are no assignments or grading systems in place for your work. Instead, there are often forums that host dozens and dozens of posts from current and past students of the course. This feature has felt surprisingly fresh and fun; however, not receiving a lot of direct feedback has its downsides. I’ve been slowly chugging away at this course, having finished 1/4th of it so far. I’ve also found that there tends to be much more technical work to be learned from Udemy as opposed to Coursera (in terms of game development); however, this may just be my limited scope, as I haven’t looked around too much more.

Game Engine Architecture, Third Edition by Jason Gregory

(Naughty Dog Lead Programmer):

This book is AMAZING for the aspiring game engineer, as it’s filled to the brim with a detailed analysis of common game engine architecture as told by the lead programmer at Naughty Dog (go Uncharted/Last of Us teams!!!!). I’m currently in the second chapter of the book, but to give a brief overview of its entirety along with my own descriptions below each heading:

Introduction

“discusses the ins and outs of the industry

Tools of the Trade

“an in-depth look into programming tools”

Fundamentals of Software Engineering for Games

“development cycles and tool usage”

Parallelism and Concurrent Programming

“the title says it all”

3D Math for Games

“3D geometry and Linear Algebra, along with programming algorithms” (go STEM!)

Engine Support Systems

“a look at memory and systems”

Resources and the File System

“how to handle game assets”

The Game Loop and Real-Time Simulation

“graphics rendering loops and gameplay loops, along with dealing with time”

Human Interface Devices

“dealing with I/O”

Tools for Debugging and Development

“the title says it all”

The Rendering Engine

“rasterization and rending pipelines”

Animation Systems

“skeletal meshes and processing”

Collision and Rigid Body Dynamics

“physics systems and other collision systems” (go STEM!)

Audio

“Dealing with sound design and 3D audio” (go music!)

Introduction to Gameplay Systems

“dealing with data, game objects, and world editors”

Runtime Gameplay Foundation Systems

“dealing with all of the constituent parts and updating the game”

You mean there’s more?

“more to be learned”

As you can tell, there’s a whole lot of information to be gained by reading a textbook like this. Jason states in the Foreword that this is really meant to be used to teach a three-class series on game programming at the university level; however, I find that you’ll be able to understand a lot of this pretty well so long as you have an ample amount of programming experience (preferably with C++). That being said, it’s a perfect springboard for me and I’m so eager to continue that I sort of want to finish writing this entry already so I can get back to it! *o* It cost about $85 for a physical copy and $47 for a digital copy (Kindle).

So, that wraps up my currently used resources list! I hope it can serve as a starting point for some of your own deep-dives into the world-wide-web for resources! CONCLUSION: Thanks for sticking with me this far everyone. I know I didn’t dive into my past that much, but I hope it gives you somewhat of an idea as to who I am. In starting this journey, I’ve realized the importance of documentation and reaching out to build a community with others, so I hope that we can all interact and take this journey together, in some form. Tomorrow I’ll be delving into my current projects that I’m aiming to work on and some of my personal inspiration for taking the game development plunge, as well as discuss what I’m currently working on in terms of study/development. I hope you all have a good day, and never feel like it’s too late to start chasing your dreams again! - Manny Extra: Game of the Day - Disgaea 1 Complete on Nintendo Switch I’ve loved this game since I first played it way back in the early 2000s, so when I heard this was coming to Switch as a slightly remastered port, I couldn’t wait! The updated artwork looks great and I’m eager to get all of those extra scenarios completed! ;) GO SRPGs!

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