LOVE VOMIT [n.] â the term when you become too full with your feelings too quickly and too frequently that you end up spitting everything out before even getting the chance to digest. this happens to you more often than youâd like to admitâ every quarter, actually, ever since starting college. but what can you do when the prospect of falling in love is just too good to say no to? what can you do when maybe the next desert might actually stay inside your system this time?
or, wherein you fall in love with a different guy every season but fail to notice the one thatâs been looking at you the whole year.
PAIRING. choi soobin x female! reader (ft. the rest of txt x reader).
GENRE. college! au, orgmate! soobin, strangers to friends to lovers, slice of life, romance, humor, mild angst, comfort (no hurt), SLOWBURN, featuring some members of seventeen, enhypen, and le sserafim.
WARNINGS. reader is shorter than soobin, swearing, drinking, kissing, unrequited feelings, annoying org jargon.
WORD COUNT. 36k.
TAGLIST. @stellz581â @michipanâ @goldennikaââ @taekwondoesââ @cerealdreamwriterââ
NOTE. this fic is a five-in-one but itâs obvious endgame is (hint: look at the header). thoroughly enjoyed projecting all my past crushes into my dear tubatu boys haha i hope no one i know personally reads this haha.
some of the scenes were lifted from my own personal experiences HUAHAH have fun guessing which ones are real (but embellished) and made up for the sake of the story đ. anyhow, this is long. this is slow. but i do hope the payoff at the end is worth watching soobinâs year long suffering when he finally gets the girl đ hope to hear your thoughts on this. enjoy!
reposted because tumblr is an ass.
THE TIME IS SPRING. A soft musk in the air, freshly bloomed flowers lining the sidewalks, and the start of a new semester. Thereâs something gentle about springtime, reminiscent of crisp blankets straight from the dryer with lavender seeping into its cotton folds, and sunlight leaking through pleated sheer curtains. The season is for cherry blossoms and picnic baskets, outings and first loves. Youâve always associated these things with spring, however none of these sensibilities are present tonight.
Instead of clear skies and bright sunlight, the view through the diner windows is lit up by artificial lights and signages in the middle of a March evening. Thereâs no lilac nor daisies in the air, but cheap beer and the savory smell of fried chicken. Itâs noisy, itâs loud, and itâs far from the gentleness of spring, but youâve never felt more alive at this time of the year.
âWhy did you join Shutter.TXT?â reads the sheet of paper sitting on your table. Youâre all smiles as you listen to the answers of those sitting around you, mindlessly nodding along after being three glasses in. Tonight is an orientation-slash-welcome party for the organization you impulsively joined upon entering the university.
Because photography is my passion...because I want to explore other fieldsâŠbecause, because, because.
The answers carousel around the table, and honest to god, you stopped listening at some point because itâs getting repetitive. You donât understand the purpose of this activity. Why else would you join a club for photography, videography, and editing if not for photography, videography, and editing?
âAre you kids having fun?â
You perk up. The empty smiles youâve been giving become brighter, eyes crinkling at the corners. Spring came belatedly tonight, and it came in the form of your extremely pretty senior appearing behind your seat, and youâre instantly all the more conscious about your posture when he leans down to check in on your table. He cranes his head to look at you with a smile. âIs it your turn?â he asks. The back of your neck is burning.
âAh, yes,â you cough, clearing your throat to introduce your name. âI major in public administration. I know itâs pretty far from my discipline, but I decided to join Shutter.TXT because I didnât want to be constrained in one field throughout college. Iâm sure this organization will make my university experience a lot more exciting and interesting.â
Lies. You joined because of the very face thatâs smiling at you this very moment.
âI look forward to working with you.â
He leaves a pat on your shoulder before moving on to the table next to yours. You feel like passing out.
The first time you saw Choi Beomgyu was during the organization festival after the freshmen orientation. You left the auditorium and made your way to the courtyard, taking a peek at the orgs and clubs your university was offering. The moment your eyes caught him advertising the newly founded organization right by the entrance, you didnât need to consider the rest of the booths and signed up your name. You didnât even know the name of the organization back then, only finding out after you received an email confirming your registration. Lucky enough for you, you have some editing experience, so you donât have to risk making a fool out of yourself.
But it seems like you arenât the only one with the same ulterior motives. Your eyes naturally followed your senior as he switched to the next table. âIâm only here because of you, seonbae,â you hear from one of them, and Beomgyu only laughs in response before moving on to the next group.
You mask your bitter expression by taking a chug from your glass. You need to work harder. Before even being a potential love interest to your evidently popular flower boy upperclassman, you need to become an indispensable member to Shutter in order toâ at the very fucking leastâ have him remember your name. The elections for officers are next week and youâll try your darndest to grab a position. Preferably, one thatâll make you work closely with Beomgyu.
âUm, hello.â
Your attention is snagged by the person sitting in front of you. Admittedly, you havenât been paying any mind to the rest of the newly recruited members, eyes always gravitating toward Beomgyu and his tendency to jump from table to table, corner to corner, so youâve havenât noticed that the boy sitting in front of you is also pretty good looking. His face reminds you of a bunnyâ soft features all around with dark bangs falling just above his eyes. Heâs wearing a pink cardigan with shoulders tightly squeezed against his torso as if heâs trying to shrink his gigantic frame but miserably failing.
In other words, another pretty boy. But your eyes are set on a different pretty boy, so your heart isnât stirred completely.
âMy name is Choi Soobin. Iâm a second year computer science student. Photo, video, and graphics editing has been my hobby since high school,â he introduces with a tiny smile before following it up with an even tinier bow. âItâs nice to meet all of you!â
Then your tables are reshuffled and you donât see him again for the rest of the night.
You leave the restaurant after a few more table shuffles to get some fresh air. Youâre already starting to get tipsy, getting a hit straight in the liver of how college get togethers are going to be in future. The night is cold with only a cardigan to keep you warm. Maybe you shouldâve chosen something thicker since itâs still early in the season, but this is the cutest outfit in your closet and you were dead set on making a good impression.
âItâs getting pretty stuffy inside, isnât it?â
Apparently, you arenât the only one who decided to sneak out into the alley beside the fried chicken place the org rented. You turn around, arms crossed together for more warmth, and see a girl approaching your hiding spot. âSorry. Iâm not intruding, am I?â
âNot at all,â you smile at her. âI donât think we ever shared a table earlier, right?â
She shakes her head. âIâm Kim Yura. Freshman.â
âHey, me too!â You proceed to introduce yourself, and the both of you hit off almost immediately. You exchanged majors, numbers, and mindless small talk including your shared misfortune of having zero friends in college so far.
âHoly crap, you donât know how glad I am to have run into you like this. I joined Shutter on a whim and knew literally zero people in there and I was too nervous to socialize with so many people,â Yura confesses with a sigh, leaning against the same concrete wall as you. She turns her head to look at you. âBefore I left, they were talking about going for round two at The Rooftop. Are you gonna join?â
âI think Iâll pass.â You wouldnât have made an escape if you werenât tired. Your social battery is depleting by the second, and Yura is the only person you know so far.
âI heard the seniors will be paying. Mingyu seonbae, Beomgyu seonbae, Jina seonââ
âOn second thought, letâs go!â You grab Yuraâs wrist and march back into the restaurant with a new burst of energy. Thereâs no harm in socializing more. You need to put yourself out there anyway if you want to be elected to a position. Strike while the iron is hot, as they sayâ while youâre still in the early stages of your first year in university and deadlines, paperworks, and assignments havenât body slammed you into the dirt yet.
Itâs the beginning of spring. the season for starting fresh and starting anew. You chose to begin your life in college by searching for a romance youâve never had the chance to experience in highschool. And romance doesnât happen if you just sit and wait around all day.
Youâre going to chase it, and it begins with going to a cheap rooftop bar in the middle of Seoul and drinking a few too many drinks for you to handle.
Okay. Maybe that wasnât the smartest idea considering you woke up in your apartment with no recollection of how you got home, save for a message from Yura to text her once youâve woken up, but at least you managed to collect some numbers and friend requests from a handful of other orgmates while your social skills were tampered by alcohol. Those numbers included Beomgyuâs. You dare call this a success.
Still, org life is secondary to academics no matter how much more fun it is over the latter. The only thing you receive from the Shutter group chat is a good luck message for the first week of classes and some idle conversations here and there. Youâre on the way to your first class after telling Kim Mingyu, the organizationâs founder, to eat shit and choke on his lunch.
âMorning.â You look up from your iPad to see Kang Taehyun take the seat next to your seat in the lecture hall. Youâve met him at the orientation, and honest to god he intimidated you then. He was the guy that kept asking questions to the moderator about anything and everything. He still intimidates you, but youâre determined to not be a friendless loser throughout the four years of your bachelorâs degree, so you greet him back.
âI asked some seniors if they can share their notes for our Intro class,â you mention. âI can send it to the group chat later once I organize them.â
âReally?â he says. âAre you close with any of our seniors? I wouldâve done the same if I knew at least one of them.â
âNo,â you grin. âSurvival over shame. But I think I already have a pre-positioned target on my back even before the welcome party.â
Taehyun shakes his head with a laugh, and you oddly feel proud of yourself. âIâll have your back, donât worry.â
Some of your other classmates overhear the conversation. You grace your blessings upon them as well and a small group begins to form in the middle of the lecture hall right before your professor walks in to take attendance. You spend the class diligently taking notes because although you might be a little lovestruck and heart-eyes for a certain person from the building next to yours, youâre not revolving your entire life around him. Sort of. Youâre going to pass by the club room later in case heâs there.
Heâs not. Itâs just Mingyu and your short-term beef with him for taking unflattering photos of your hammered ass last Friday. You donât hide your disappointment when you see him. He calls you over to take a seat next to him in front of the computer.
âYouâre good at graphic design, right?â
âI have experience.â You pull out a chair and take a look at the monitor. SHUTTER.TXT ELECTIONS. This Thursday at Mirage Building Room 104, 4:00 p.m. Be there or be square.
You shoot Mingyu a look of judgment. âWhat?â
âYou should stick to camerawork, boss. Move your ass.â
He swivels away and you take over the mouse and keyboard, doing your best to fix the layout of the publication material. âCan first-years be elected?â
âWhy?â heâs playing with the strings of his hoodie. Sometimes you forget that heâs your orgâs founder. âYou eyeing a position?â
Yes. Next to Choi Beomgyu. âMaybe?â
Mingyu grins. âIâve got you. Donât worry. Iâm so happy to have such a dedicated member to exploit and work wageless. Thank you so much in advance for your service.â
You have nothing to thank Kim Mingyu for because although he did nominate you on the day of the elections which secured your spot, you were elected as Assistant Layout Director. Beomgyu is currently making a dumb thank you speech in front of the lecture hall for being the Videography Director and everyone is cheering. Youâre moping in your seat until all of the newly elected officers are called to the front for a picture taking.
âPlease stand in the order of your positions! Alright, perfect!â
Click!
The amount of times youâve been blocked today is harrowing. Youâre wearing a smile, holding out a thumbs up while posing for a picture, but you want to throw a tantrum. Thereâs a giant body standing in between you and Beomgyu. Your tears are internal and eternal.
âThree more!â
Suddenly, you feel a hand on your shoulder, and your feet are moving by themselves. Rather, someone is moving you. You look up to see the bunny boy you shared a table with last orientation, now on your right when you swear he was just on your left earlier, in between you and Beomgyu. Wait a minute, you realize. Youâre so touched you could cry, but someone from the front yells your name.
âStop looking at Soobin and look at the camera!â
Itâs followed by the eruption of insinuating noises from the rest of your orgmates, and your face grows hot from embarrassment. You donât acknowledge their teasing, save for a middle finger directed at Shutterâs Founder-slash-newly-elected-Chairperson, then you collect your composure, strike a cute peace sign for the camera, and try your best to make it not so obvious that youâre thrilled to at the very least be standing next to Beomgyu for the photos.
âAlright! Thank you, everyone!â
The lecture hall breaks into claps and conversation as you all scatter around after the picture taking. You scan the crowd for the mop of black hair that did you a favor earlier, belatedly remember that heâs the Layout Director and your direct superior. You spot him with Mingyu, looking mildly terrorized at the older maleâs affection. When Mingyu sees you approaching them, you can see the heinous intent in his smile when he greets you. âOh, youâre here.â
âCongrats, Chair,â you declare blankly, then brighten your smile when you look at Soobin. âCongrats to you too, director! I will do my best to assist you.â
He receives your outstretched hand with a shake and bows politely. Mingyu clicks his tongue at your exchange. âEy, how can you make your preference so obvious?â Heâs very obviously referring to you, extending the teasing from earlier, and you wear the most threatening look on your face that you can manage while still holding hands with your innocently smiling colleague. Youâre dead if you keep that up, you try to signal with your eyes. Mingyu only gives you a wink and walks away with a pat on Soobinâs shoulder. If Beomgyu gets the wrong idea from their teasing and closes off all your chances with him, youâre going to kill Kim Mingyu first.
âIâm sorry. Mingyu hyung likes to mess around a lot.â You turn your attention back to Soobin, heart clenching. Poor boy doesnât need to apologize on behalf of his demonic senior. You shake your head and tell him itâs fine,
âOfficers, please stay for a quick meeting! The rest may leave. Thank you all for attending!â
You give Soobin a quick smile before running off to where the rest are gathering, bumping into Yura whom you gave a quick hug. She was also elected. Program management committee member. You both stand next to each other as you listen to Mingyuâs announcements. There will be an orientation for officers this weekend and then youâd have to start planning and organizing for Shutterâs first major eventâ an acquaintance party slash mini workshop of sorts. One of the officers asks âdidnât we already have a welcome party the other week?â Mingyu defends by saying thereâs no harm in getting all the members to bond together as often as we could. Youâre sure heâs just looking for an excuse to party, but youâre not complaining.
âSee you all at the org office this Saturday. Get home safe!â
âWeâre going to COEX. Jake and Yunjin brought their car. Youâre coming with us.â
Your shoulders slump, and your heavy bag drops to the floor. You give your friends an incredulous look. âI have a meeting. You guys said you were too lazy to eat out yesterday, but now you all have the energy when I have a fucking meeting.â
Taehyun tells you better luck next time before slamming the passengerâs seat right in front of your face. Sunghoon gives you a pat on the head before following inside. Kazuha promises to get you takeout and stop by your club office later. Though youâre thankful that you managed to find a group of friends from your year and major, moments like these make you want to eat sand.
âBe honest. You can totally skip the meeting but youâre flaking out on us because you want to see your crush.â Jay earns a kick on his ass before he retreats into Yunjinâs car. You wave them goodbye and dust off your bag, slinging it over your shoulder again and make your way to the office.
âYouâre here!â
When you open the door, Beomgyu greets you with a smile. Thereâs a camera dangling on his neck and heâs carrying a tripod bag across his torso. You feel your mood instantly shooting up, like a flower bed is growing inside your ribcage with how ticklish you feel in your chest. Jay was right. You actually have nothing important to do today besides errands, probably. God, youâre down bad.
âPerfect timing! Can you come with me for a sec?â Your head automatically nods like youâre stupid, but you donât mind the fact that you look stupid because Beomgyu beams, and youâre happy if heâs happy. He wants to take you somewhere and youâre buzzing in your shoes at the mere thought of it. Flaking on your friends is the best decision youâve made today and Jay can suck on his left toenail.
âSoobin hyung! I need you, too. You can continue working later.â
You hear a whine from inside the room. Soobin shows up beside Beomgyu with a scrunched up look of annoyance, which immediately gets replaced with surprise when he spots you by the doorway. He gives you a flustered bow and greeting, promptly adjusting the black-rimmed glasses resting on his nose.
âMingyu hyung says we need to present an introduction video for the executive board for the event next week. Iâm doing it by position and you two are next on my list. Letâs find a good place to shoot for the both of you.â
Oh. You press your lips into a smile, nodding. âI think the gazebo near the Communications building would be great.â
âPerfect. Letâs go!â
Youâre the dumbass for jumping into conclusions and thinking that Beomgyu would have a reason for the both of you to be alone together. Youâre walking across the campus with your crush and the guy your Chairperson is teasing you with. Maybe you should have just gone along with your friends. You heard a fried ice cream store opened at COEX the other day. The cold desert on your tongue wouldâve immediately cured your embarrassment and shame.
âIâll get your solo shots first. Soobinie hyung, give me a cute pose.â
You watch the two boys bicker while they shoot the video clips. You remember that Beomgyu is majoring in EMC, so they must be close since they come from the same department. âHyung, look this way.â Soobin seems to follow Beomgyuâs direction despite his grumbling.
Itâs easy to get lost in thought while watching Beomgyu in his element. The camera isnât focused on him, but you still feel like he's the focal point of the frame captured by your field of vision. There are flowering trees all around the surrounding areas of the gazebo, and the white petals falling from above dance around him.
Heâs really so pretty. So pretty and dreamy but evidently unattainable.
âBe back in a sec. Good job, hyung! You can sit down now.â
Beomgyu runs off to greet some of his friends that have just passed by. You watch as heâs laughing along with them, an unreasonable feeling of disappointment forming in the pits of your stomach. Heâs always got people around himâ org members, friends, and people you donât know. Itâs impossible to squeeze yourself into the picture when the frame is already full.
âDo you want to work with him instead?â
âHuh?â You look up to see Soobin towering over your pathetic frame on the bench. He takes a seat beside you, but takes a moment before changing his mind and adding more distance between the both of you with an awkward cough.
âBeomgyu,â he adds. âYouâre probably disappointed that you werenât elected as his assistant instead, right?â
You look at him, horrified.
âHaha, what do you mean?â
Sure, you havenât been the most discreet with your heart-eyes for the guy, but you donât think youâre that transparent. You want to question him furtherâ what makes you say that? Have I been really fucking obvious?â but then your palms become sweaty, and you remember he switched places with you the other day and thatâs how you managed to stand next to your crush for the photo. He knows. He definitely knows you have a crush on his friend and thereâs a chance that he might fucking expose you.
Before you can get on your knees, beg him to shut his mouth and spare your rejection, Beomgyu returns and tells you to head on up to the gazebo.
âI also called the rest of the guys so we can finish everything in one go,â he says while adjusting the camera on the tripod.
Youâre nervous, Self conscious to have such a pretty man judge your level of photogenic-ness. Thankfully, Beomgyu is kind enough to give you directions sweetly along with expressions of encouragement. When youâre done with your solos, he tells Soobin to join you.
The discomfort on your expression is evident because Beomgyu drops the camera, revealing the dissatisfied pout on his face. âCan you two move a little closer?â You do, albeit robotically. Soobin is kind enough to stop nudging himself closer right before your shoulders could bump into one another. Beomgyu still isnât satisfied. âCan you twoâŠplease act natural?â
How are you supposed to act natural when youâre about to shit your pants from discomfort? You look up at Soobin and heâs clearly as uncomfortable as you are. You can see the sweat droplets trickling down his neck, throat bobbing after a tense swallow. Heâs hesitant to even lay a hand on you, lagging midair above your shoulder like a nervous raincloud. Your eyes gloss over his face. He drops his hand and gives you a hesitant smile. Youâve never noticed he has dimples until now.
âPleaseâ please excuse me.â
Suddenly, you feel an added weight on your shoulders, and you stumble forward. Your face bumps into his chest. Your eyes widen in alarm. You can hear something loud thumping in your ears.
âBetter! Thatâs greatââ
Oh. Itâs just your heartbeat.
ââperfect!â
Shit. Oh no. This doesnât make sense. You have a crush on Beomgyu so it doesnât make sense that your heart is beating like crazy for somebody elseâ not to mention someone who knows you like Beomgyu. It feels like the thumping just grows louder and louder and youâre feeling dizzy. Youâre sure you wouldâve fallen into the wooden flooring of the gazebo if Soobin isnât keeping you steady right now. Then, from your peripheral, you can see some of your orgmates nearing the area, so you quickly move away without a second thought.
âDid we get enough shots?â you yell out for Beomgyu to hear.
âYup! You both look great!â
Immediately, you patter off, hopping down the elevated surface and into the fresh soil. You exhale a breath you didnât know you were holding with a hard pat on your chest. Keep it together, you scold yourself. Amongst those who just arrived is Yura, who immediately brings joy to your face when you see her. You pick up your pace to go greet her, but you slowly come to a halt when you notice her attention is deeply engaged elsewhere.
When you trace her line of vision, you spot her looking at Beomgyu and Soobin. When Beomgyu walks away to greet the other, her eyes are still stuck on the same spot, a faint tinge of pink coloring her cheekbones, and she jogs into the direction where sheâs been looking at.
Your chest loosens in relief. You swivel your feet, moving towards Beomgyu who jogs up to you upon notice. âDo you want to see?â he asks, and you nod in response.
Maybe you shouldnât have agreed because embarrassment strikes you hard in the gut that you sink to the ground at the first three seconds of the first clip he shows you. âOh my god,â you cover your face, squatting on the grass. âStop. Okay. Nevermind, I donât want to see anymore.â
âWhy not? You look pretty in all of them.â
The inhale you take gets caught in your throat and you nearly choke on nothing. Your palms start to grow warm from the heat emanating off your face. Holy shit. âDonâtâ donât do that.â
You hear him laugh. âItâs true though.â
Peeking through your fingers, you see him in the same squatting position right before your eyes, and you groan to hide yourself again. Even though your system is about to explode with the amount of ticklish flowers sprouting, you canât help but feel relieved. Yes. This is how it should be. What happened earlier was only the heat of the moment and your heart was just carried away by the scene. You also have a feeling that Yura has a crush on, or is at the very least interested in Soobin, so you can bury that possibility in the soil immediately. Youâll scatter some seeds over it and hope that the daisies can be enough to mask its shame.
Your name is called by Beomgyu, and you begrudgingly force yourself to get up. Beomgyu lends you a hand. âMyungho hyung is getting us drinks from the vending machine. What would you like?â
âUm. Sprite, please.â
âHyung! Get us two Sprites. Thanks!â
Your fingertips are still buzzing from when he pulled you up by the hand. You stretch out your joints then ball them into a tight fist, throwing your head back with a sigh. Ice cream sounds really good right now. You text Jake if theyâre still at the mall and if he can pick you up in ten minutes. He says heâs on the way.
âChoi Beomgyu is out of my league, isnât he?â
You receive a chorus of yeses from your beloved friends. Itâs the day of the event and you squeezed in lunchtime at McDonaldâs before heading to the venue to make it up to them. Youâve been busy the whole week with Shutter preparing for it and throughout those seven days, the times youâve managed to talk or interact with Beomgyu at all is less than two digits.
âItâs not that youâre too ugly for him,â Sunghoon gives his unsolicited opinion, waving a single french fry in the air before throwing it into his mouth. âHe just has a vibe, you know? That sort of untouchable vibe you feel from typically popular people. Weâre IG mutuals and he gets a million anonymous confessions a day. Youâre better off looking for someone else.â
âJay is also good looking, arenât you into him?â suggests Taehyun, and you offer him a grimace in response. Jay doesnât hesitate to preview his own disgust. âThen again. Thatâd be incest.â
âIf you want to get over him, itâs best to stop seeing him.â
âBut she has to attend their event later,â says Kazuha in response to Yunjinâs advice. They all offer you a moment of silence in grief. You completely lose your appetite.
âIâm off. Mingyu told me to come early to help with any last minute preparations.â
âWhereâs the thing?â Jake asks as you pick up your bag. âI can give you a ride home later, if youâd like.â
âPerriot Bowl. And itâs fine. Iâm sure weâll be finishing late so you donât have to bother.â
âCall me if you change your mind.â
You give him a smile and excuse yourself out. Itâs one bus ride to Perriot Bowl, and you donât remember which one of the idiots thought that a bowling alley would be the best place to hold an acquaintance party. Your org is new, so it has zero funds, therefore you all had to pull money out of your pockets to rent the place and pay for other expenses.
At least everyone seems to be enjoying, you think as you sip on your plastic cup filled with coke, the venueâs shiny floors slowly being matted away by dozens and dozens of bodies. The large, overhead lights are shut off as per Myunghoâs request, and the only things illuminating the bowling alley are the neon wall washers and LED strips lining the lanes in pink, purple, and blue. Thereâs vibrant music playing through the speakers. Your eyes land on Beomgyu helping Soobin set up the technicals.
âAh, ah, ah. Testing, testing.â
The area hushes, and all eyes are on your chairperson standing in front of a projector screen. He breaks into a smile. âAh, wait. Why am I suddenly nervous?â
You snort. He gets over it quickly and starts his opening spiel, welcoming the members and giving a rundown of todayâs activities, starting with the introduction of officers in which you hid behind Yura in embarrassment when your face appeared through the projector screenâ mainly because of Mingyuâs hollering. Somehow, you have unintentionally wiggled into your chairpersonâs favor by bullying and swearing at him every time you cross paths. That shaves a lot of effort off your goal of being an integral org member.
âFeel free to drop by the snack table at the back, but before everyone can freely play some games on the lanes, letâs start with our prepared activities first!â
Thatâs your signal to move to the front, taking the red bandana laid down on the table near Mingyu and standing next to Soobin. You look up at him and muster a smile. âJust so you know, Iâm pretty competitive.â
Soobin laughs. âI donât like losing, either.â
Frankly, youâve been weary about him for a while, but throughout the past week of preparing for todayâs event, he hasnât shown a hint of snitching on you, so you managed to be less tense around him. The both of you are also stuck together for the rest of your term, so it wonât help if youâre always going to be uncomfortable around him.
You give him a smile, and he returns the same expression. It also helps that Choi Soobin is very easy on the eyes.
âPlease check the color of your name tags and form a line in front of the Directors that match your color. Theyâll be your team leaders.â
Once the teams are divided, Mingyu reads out the game mechanics: bowling but with a mix of charades. Six lanes are open for the six teams. The rules are the same as regular bowling but thereâs a time limit and in order for the players to actually play, they have to guess the words youâre acting out first. Itâs a loud, screaming mess with people shouting over each other and those watching having the time of their lives watching you all make fools of yourselves. The problem with an org like this is that everyone has cameras. You ignore the shutter sounds as you disregard all shame trying to act out slipping on a banana peel on the way to a blind date and your team member runs past you to make her turn and score a strikeâ bagging your teamâs win.
âFirst place goes to the reds!â
Youâre screaming, cheering, jumping around with your teammates and you let out a noise when your back bumps into someone. You turn around to see Soobin clad in your team color who simmers down his bouncing when he meets eyes with you, settling for a breathless smile.
âCongrats,â he tells you. You grin at him, elbowing his arm.
âYouâre pretty good at getting washed up on an island.â
His ears match the color of his jacket. âAah, letâs forget that, letâsâ look, look, Mingyu hyung is calling for us.â
He actually is, so you let it slide, allowing yourself to be bulldozed into the crowd by the shoulders by Soobin as Mingyu gives out the instructions for the next activityâ an on the spot photo challenge with the theme youth.
âYou guys have one hour startingâŠnow! Donât forget that our anonymous confession box is still open! You can find the link in our group chat and weâll be reading the first batch of confessions before we present your entries. Have fun and good luck!â
When you reach Mingyuâs side, he slumps with a sigh after dropping the microphone. You give him a pat on the back. âHang in there.â
âThis is so tiring. How do people host for a living?!â he whines, stomping his feet. âOh, the laptop and equipment is set up over there. You can start collecting photo entries as soon as theyâre ready.â
You nod and move to your station. It gets exhausting quicklyâ inserting flash drives, connectors, and SD cards, selecting, downloading, uploading files and photos and it doesnât seem like the line in front of your table is getting shorter, only longer by the moment. âNeed any help?â You look up to see your lifesaver, Yura, and ask if she can take over for a moment.
âIâll go get something to eat,â you tell her.
âI just need to transfer their files right?â
âYup, yup.â
âAlright,â she says. âGirl, go get some rest. Thereâs only fifteen minutes left so you can leave the remaining entries to me.â
You happily hop off to the snack table. Your last meal was earlier with your friends and you havenât eaten since then. Coupled with all the shit youâve been doing since you got to the venue, your stomach is already dying and itâs only four in the afternoon. Myungho is in charge of watching over the snacks. Heâs wearing a pitiful look as he passes you a can of sprite and opens the box of pizza before you.
âAre you planning on going after Mingyuâs position, or something?â he says. âYouâre working too hard.â
You scrunch your nose, taking a bite from the slice. âCanât it be because Iâm just trying to impress someone?â
He raises a brow. âWho?â
âI didnât peg you to be the nosy type, seonbae.â
âWell, whoever it is, I hope itâs working,â he shrugs. âElse youâre just working yourself to the bone without any payoff and end up disappointing yourself.â
Ouch? He didnât need to give you a reality check like that because the entire event, you havenât even talked to Beomgyu. Not once. You have made your attempts, but heâs always with someone every time you see him and youâve not close enough to interrupt.
Myungho notices you frowning at your pizza. He clicks his tongue. âIf you came here just to lament about your love life, please do the food a favor and leave. Theyâre getting soiled by your mood.â
âIâm going, Iâm going. Youâre so mean.â
The can crunches in your hand and you toss it to the bin on the way back to your station in case Yura is having some trouble. âThe next one is fromâ oh, Lee Chan! I thought this was supposed to be anonymous?â It seems like they started reading the messages already. You canât hear properly what Lee Chan said and to whom because of all the noise, and you canât find yourself to care because on your way back to Yura, you spot Beomgyu in the direction youâre walking towards, and heâs alone.
He notices you and gives you a smile and wave. You pick up your pace to a jog.
âEyy, whatâs up?â he greets you. âArenât you tired yet? Youâve been working since you got here. Iâll ask Mingyu hyung to give some of your work to others if you want a break.â
âItâs alright. Yura covered for me at the submission table earlier, so Iâm all done for today,â you assure him. âIâm just itching to knock down some pins already.â
He hums. âYou must be pretty good.â
You grin. âI donât want to brag butââ
Your conversation gets cut short by the feedback squeal of the microphone. You wince, the ear-splitting noise going on for a good three seconds before it gets cut off. You hear a cough through the speakers. Mingyu is onstage looking a little flustered. âSorry, sorry, my bad. Anyway, letâs move on to the last message for now. This oneâs forâ holy shitââ
You hear people laughing, but you turn your attention back to Beomgyu, eagerly waiting to resume your talk.
âAhem. To Shutterâs Assistant Layout Director.â
Your eyes widen. As if that isât enough, Mingyu continues reading, and your cheeks grow warmer and warmer by each word he utters into the microphone, amplified by the dozens of speakers strewn around the venue.
âI think I have a crush on you.â
Thereâs silence, and you can sense too many eyes staring at you. Itâs too early for summer but you feel the sun on your face, blazing and unforgiving. Oh my god. You want to hurl yourself into the atmosphere. Oh my god, if this is a joke, youâre going to murder a man.
âBefore anyone misunderstands, this confession is from codename Shinbi. Our Assistant Layout Director may be pretty and hardworking, but my heart belongs to someone else, I hope thatâs clear to everyone. Anywayââ
âLooks like you have a secret admirer on the loose.â Beomgyu nudges you. âHave any idea who it might be?â
You see, your delusional ass is hoping that itâs him, but the rational part of your brain is telling you to be realistic and stop being a stupid. âHaha, no,â you reply. It could be just someone from the many members of your org that youâve never talked to. If they really liked you, they would step out and quit hiding behind that dumb codename.
Still, the warmth in your cheeks hasnât disappeared yet. If shit goes to complete shit with Beomgyu, maybe this Shinbi guy can save your failing college romance. Youâre not dumb enough to invest in something so evidently and palpably hopeless. You knew from the get-goâ from the moment you saw him at the courtyard in the first week of schoolâ that he isnât someone you can attain.
Beomgyu is called out by one of his friends again, and he gives you an apologetic smile before screaming back at them and running off.
âSorry! Text me if you need anything!â
You wave him goodbye and your arm limply falls to your side. Right. Maybe it is time to give up. There are far more important things to your life than some pretty boy from your org, anyway. Itâs only a matter of time before classes come in full swing, and you wonât even have the time to think about him anymore.
âCan I tell you something?â
Yura looks up from the torn piece of paper in her hand, containing the list of orders the slave drivers from your org asked you to buy from the cafe in front of campus. Itâs a place everyone from your university frequents, so itâs understandably full most of the day. Your friend looks at you attentively. This isnât the most appropriate place to empty out your feelings, but your orders are taking too long and the buzzer is getting cold in your hands.
âI had a crush on Choi Beomgyu.â Yura lets out a hard cough. âHe was the reason why I joined the Shutter in the first place.â
Sheâs staring at you.
âBut Iâm over him now.â
Speechless, with widened eyes from surprise.
âIf you have any cute friends, please introduce me to them.â
âWait, waitâ one at a time! Oh my god.â Yura exhales, trying to piece together the three bombs you dropped on the table. âYou have a crush on Beomgyu seonbae?! Had a crush on him?! If heâs the reason you joined, youâre not resigning, right?!â
âNo way,â.you shake your head. âHe mightâve been the reason, but Iâve got you guys to make me stay.â
The buzzer vibrates in your hands, and the both of you get up to pick up your orders. âThe work is fun. Mingyu is annoying sometimes, but heâs generally a supportive Chair. Iâve gotten closer with the other guys, too, so I donât see a reason why I should quit,â you continue. Once you get out of the cafe, your phone also buzzes. Yura notices the face youâre making and asks whatâs wrong. âNevermind. Mingyu is just annoying. Letâs just hurry up. The child is throwing a tantrum and needs his caffeine.â
âAre you okay, though?â she asks as youâre walking down the sidewalk back to campus. âI mean. If thereâs anything else troubling you in Shutter, you can always vent to me.â
You smile at her. âThanks.â
The both of you continued walking in pleasant silence. Right when you reach Mirage Building, Yura suddenly stops with a gasp. âSo thatâs why you joined round two at The Rooftop that night!â
Your brows knit in confusion.
âBecause Beomgyu was there!â
âOh, fuck you.â You feel like swallowing yourself. âI did so many stupid things that night and Mingyu has all of it one his fucking phone.â
When you arrive at the office, Mingyu isnât even there. Itâs dark and near empty save for one person and the glow of the computer screen. Soobin turns to the doorway when you two enter and scrambles on his feet to help you carry all the drinks you bought. You turn on the lights and poor boy flinches, prompting you to turn them off again.
âSorry,â you apologize.
âItâs alright. You can turn it back on.â You donât. Instead your squinted eyes scan the room because maybe your god damned senior is hiding somewhere to fuck with you. Soobin notices this, even in the dark.âMingyu hyung and Myungho hyung left to take care of something urgent for their class,â he explains. âJina noona and the rest went to get us some snacks. Theyâll be back in a bit. You two can just wait.â
A huff leaves your lips and your mouth twitches. âHe texted me to hurry up but his ass isnât even here. Hold on, whereâs his drinkâ Iâm leaving it outside. What an unbelievable idiot.â
The door slams in your stomping wake and you put Mingyuâs americano right next to the plastic bag of takeout boxes from yesterday right by the door. There is no point in doing this. Youâre just annoyed. Youâre still grumbling curses when you stomp back in, but promptly hush yourself with the scene youâre walking in on.
Well. Nothing significant is actually happening. You watch Yura as sheâs leaning on the table, an earnest spark in her eyes as she and Soobin converse over a movie youâve never watched. You press your lips together, holding back a grin and trying to make as little noise as possible when you settle down on the springy couch in the middle of the room. Admittedly, you confided in her about Beomgyu earlier with the hopes that sheâd also give hints about what you suspect is her crush on Soobin.
But then, maybe youâre just romance obsessed and attempt to find meaning in everything. You wonât know unless she tells you, but you donât want to pry.
âOh no. Wait, Iâm sorry I have to go,â you hear her say. She hurries over to the door and pauses in front of you on the way. âProfessor Han wants to meet us immediately for a paper consultation. Gosh, he just does whatever wants.â
You wave her goodbye, and now itâs just you and Soobin in the Shutter office.
Heâs standing by the wooden table shoved into the left corner of the decently sized office, organizing the drinks you and Yura ordered. Itâs a good thing that itâs darkâ this way you canât see the trash and wrappers on the floor, likely left by the people who went out earlier, but itâs just as likely that theyâre garbage from last week. The worn out sofa youâre sitting on is in the middle of the room, up against the storage room wall.
âWhat are you working on?â you ask, taking a peek at the open computer at the right side of the room. Thereâs photoshop on the window and you can see some photos from the acquaintance party last week.
âOh. The pubmats for the winners from the photo contest last time,â he says while walking to you. You step back to let him settle back on his seat in front of the desk. He places his coffee next to the monitor, and the swivel chair rocks back and forth as he fidgets with the layout.
You cross your arms over the chairâs backrest, leaning forward as you peek above his hair to watch him work. He stops moving. The stray strands of hair on his head tickle your nose.
âHow about the officers post thingy that Chair mentioned the other day?â
âItâsâ itâs in progress, but hyung told me to finish this one first.â
Squinting, you narrow into the cursor. Itâs shaking, and your eyes curiously gaze down on Soobinâs hand on the mouseâ also shaking, ever the slightest. Maybe he had too much coffee. Sympathy wells in your stomach and you pull yourself back. You take over the seat next to him and turn on the computer.
âSend me the psd for the other one. Iâll work on it.â
Technically, you should be working on it. Itâs your job. Youâre literally his assistant, but you havenât been helping him properly lately since youâve been filling in the spots of the officers who have been inactive lately. Youâre collecting fees, accompanying Mingyu for partnership meetings, and sometimes youâre even the one scheduling posts on your social media accounts. But you failed to do the duties assigned to your actual position.
You open the file, and study his initial design before jumping in. âIs it okay if I change the fonts?â
He hums. âGo ahead.â
All you can hear are mouse and keyboard clicks in the office with the occasional creaks from the old, worn out chairs the both of you are sitting on. The blue light is starting to strain your eyes, so you stretch your back and rest them for a moment while waiting for some elements to download.
âYou spelled my name wrong.â
You pause mid stretch, turning to see Soobin looking at your monitor. The screen is displaying your work-in-progress for the pubmat, officers listed from top to bottom. Your eyes scroll down until you spot his name. Chou Soobin, Layout Director. You snort.
âSo did you, but I didnât say anything.â You pull up the history panel on screen, revealing how he skewed your name in a previous version of the file, crossing your arms and leaning back on your chair. Â âBut anyway, my sincerest apologies, Choi Soobin. C-h-o-i Soobin.â
He looks so wronged, itâs funny. It makes you want to mess with him more.
âThat was a typo! And I fixed it. Yours looks like an intentional act of malice,â he defends with an offended tone, but the corners of his lips twitch upwards and itâs infectious. You feign a gasp.
âIs that how you think of me, Choi Soobin? I can sue you for defamation, you know. But since Iâm kind and compassionate and understanding, Iâll let it slide.â
âWow,â he gapes, looking around the empty room for backup. The room is empty. You stifle a laugh. âYouâre unbelievable.â
Today is the day you realize that Choi Soobin is a pretty easy going guy and youâve got nothing to blame but your paranoia for not getting along with him a lot earlier. If you recall correctly, you also had pretty good chemistry with your team during the bowling game last time. He seems like a good guy. and youâre feeling guilty for thinking that he might tell people about your crush on his friend. âDonât worry. Iâll make sure to get it right next time, Choi Soobin. Iâll continue repeating your name until the spelling is ingrained in my brain stem, andâ oh. Beomgyu texted.â
Speak the devil and he shall appear. Heck, you were only thinking about him for a good .01 seconds. You press your lips together as you come up with a reply. Heâs asking if Mingyu and the rest are also at the org office.
âSo,â you hear Soobin clear his throat. âHowâs your progress?â
You tilt your head, still typing your reply. âWithâŠ?â
âWith Beomgyu.â
Suddenly, the phone is on your lap and you make an embarrassing noise. Youâre looking at Soobin with wide eyes and flushed cheeks. You knew he knew but you didnât think heâd ask you outright like this. You cough and pick back up your phone, trying to play it cool. âHave Iâ have I really been obvious?â
âMaybe not?â he replied. âI donât think anyone would have noticed unless theyâre looking closely.â
You continue typing. âSo youâve been looking at me often.â
Itâs his turn to be flustered. âNâno, haha. Anyway, Beomgyu is pretty popular, so the competition is brutal. But I can help you if youâd like.â
After pressing send, you straighten your legs on the chair. Your elbows press on your thighs as you lean forward and Soobin flinches back. Now that youâre looking at him closely, you donât understand why he doesnât have as much people lining up for him like Beomgyu. Heâs actually so pretty itâs unreal. Maybe itâs because heâs less outgoing and prefers to keep to himselfâ even in Shutter, Soobin only talks to a handful of people on the regular, and youâre sure he only started talking to you because you literally have to work together.
Not that thereâs anything wrong with being a private person. Bottomline, his face is a hidden gem and youâre lucky to be the few that can admire him up close.
âWhatâs the catch?â you raise a brow.
âThe...catch?â
Thereâs a moment of tense silence until you break with a laugh, comfortably leaning back into the chair. Soobin looks confused. âIâm kidding,â you admit, swiveling the chair left and right. âI decided to give up on him.â
You know you donât have to explain yourself, but you do anyway. Maybe itâs because thereâs still a hint of doubt in Soobinâs eyes, or maybe itâs because you want to rationalize yourself. Either way, your mouth runs, and he just listens. âHeâs a pretty face, heâs nice to me, and I wouldâve been over the moon if there was actually something, but I donât think Iâll ever get past being just an orgmate. Guys like him should just be admired from afar, you know? Heâs like a pretty flower that you always notice in the garden, but if you pluck him from the bushes and bring him to your living room table, heâll just wilt and die.â
You pause. âOkay. That sounds a little morbid, but you get what I mean. Anyhow, Iâm done with him. Iâll get over him quickly. and Iâll findâ oh, Jesus fuck!â
A burst of light suddenly breaks into the once dark room and you jump, glaring at the source of the disturbance. Mingyuâs head is peeking through the crack in the doorway. His eyes are so wide you think his eyebrows would fly off.
âWould you knock, please?â you tell him off.
âOhâ oh my, Whatâs this?â Heâs holding up a cheeky, annoying hand to his lips. You want to throw him a shoe. âDid I interrupt something?â
âWelcome back, hyung.â Soobin greets him.
Mingyu is still wearing an exaggerated shocked expression. âOh? Sorry, were you having a moment? Oopsies, my bad, Iâll just get my coffee and leave, please carryââ
âItâs outside,â you cut him off. He huffs.
âI know you want to be alone with Soobin, but you donât have to kick me out.â
âLook down.â
He does, and then he gasps in horror when he sees his americano next to the trash. Mingyu looks up at you from the floor, cradling the drink to his chest. âYou monster.â
You stick your tongue out at him. âSince Mingyu is already here, Iâm heading out,â you announce while getting off the chair. Before Mingyu can try to stop you (heâs already shuffling back to his feet), you give Soobin a smile. âChoi Soobin, Iâll finish this at home later and Iâll send it to you so you can check.â You brush past your senior, and just as youâre about to leave, you hear your full name called out from behind.
When you turn around, you see Soobin with a cheeky smile, dimples popping. âGet home safe.â
It takes you a second to reply. âI always get home safe,â you say, and with that the door shuts behind you. As your back presses against the doorâs surface, you can hear the muffled conversations of your two seniors inside, but itâs impossible to pick anything up. You give yourself a moment to take a deep breathâ inhaling and exhaling to match the rhythm at the back of your head.
You quickly leave before anyone spots you, running off to the library to go over some of your classes. Itâs getting loud again, you think. If this keeps up, youâre going to get yourself in trouble.
Shutter is quiet in the months leading up to your April Midterms. The group chats were still noisy from time to timeâ most often in the late nights when youâre trying to do your readings and study but your notifications keep buzzing, and your FOMO forces you to engage in whatever pointless conversation theyâre having. There was one time, when you caught a sore throat and couldnât speak for a day, and Beomgyu had sent some home remedies his mother always made for him. You almost caved in again. Almost. Especially when he kept checking up on you the following days after.
May flew by just as quickly. Though you only had two required major courses, it was still difficult to get into the swing of things, so you couldnât join with a lot of Shutterâs weekend activities and instead buried yourself along with your friends in cafes, study hubs, and the library with Finals slowly creeping in.
You managed to dry yourself out of all your feelings for Beomgyu when you celebrated the end exam week at Jayâs condo. They have a video of you sobbing over him after your hammered ass saw his name when he sent a congratulations message to Shutter for surviving the semester.
That marked the end of your crush on him, and the end of spring. The weather is starting to grow warmer, and your cardigans and cotton-jackets find their places in the back end of the closet. You stop noticing the flowers peeking through your apartment window, and instead look forward to the chirping grasshoppers at the signal of the sunset.
A new season is coming. You hope itâs better than the last.
ITâS SUMMER, THE FIRST WEEK OF JULYâ but youâre on campus, and itâs hot, and youâve been sitting on the bench by the courtyard for thirty minutes waiting for Kim Mingyu to show up. The canvas youâve been hauling with you serves as your umbrella from the sunâs radiation. His message from last night said that the call time is at 8:00 a.m. Itâs already a quarter until ten, and you havenât seen him yet.
There are a few more people on campus besides you, passing through your frozen spot on the courtyard. Still, none of them are your Chairperson. Annoyed, your fingers jab your phone screen and you put the device to your ear. A few rings, then he picks up. âHello?â
âWhere are you?â
Before the semester ended, the Shutter officers had a meeting for the organizationâs plans, and it was decided that you will be holding an exhibit over the break. Youâre here today to give him the 26 x 19 canvas-printed piece youâd submitted for display and help set up the venue. It was a pain in the ass bringing it with you on the bus, and youâre not going to put it off until tomorrow.
You donât hear anything on his end for a few moments. Then he swears. âOh shit,â he hisses. âSorry! Iâm out with my classmates for breakfast. I completely forgot, crap.â
âAre you serious? Iâve been waiting sinceââ
âJust go to the Cultural Center!â
âI donât know where that is?!â you blurt out, but take in a deep breath to calm yourself down. âMight I remind you, Chair, that this is only my second month in university. I tried looking for it earlier but my legs got tired and itâs too hot to walk around.â Itâs also worth mentioning that you have trouble with directions in general, but thatâs something Mingyu shouldnât know because thatâll give him another bullet to tease you with.
âFuck.â he says. âOkay. Wait. Iâll ask someone to come help you. Where you at?â
âAt the courtyard,â you reply. âWho are you sending?â
He doesnât tell you and instead cuts the conversation short. âGotta go. Iâll join you guys later. Iâm really sorry, please donât hit me. Bye. I love you. MwahIâ And then the call ends. Youâre staring at your call history screen and processing what just happened.
Mingyu says heâs gonna send someone, maybe another officer, to pick up your lost ass and help you to the Cultural Center, so you should just sit here and wait. It would have been better if the bastard actually told you whoâs coming so youâd know who youâre looking out for. You sit on the bench under the heat for another five minutes, arms getting tired from lifting the canvas over your head as a sun-shield.
Then something cool touches your cheek. You flinch in surprise and turn around to see Soobin holding a cold water bottle to your face. He greets you by your full name with a click of his tongue. âYou could have waited somewhere else, dummy. Do you wanna get a heatstroke?â
Over the past weeks that you and Soobin have been working together, things have definitely become more comfortable. You might have passed out on face-to-face work with the org, but youâve been doing your part as his assistant without failâ editing birthday pubmats for your members and officers, congratulatory posts, and other announcements layouts that were needed on demand.
âChoi Soobin,â you greet back. âAre you the one Mingyu sent to save me?â
âLetâs get out of here first,â he answers, eyes squinting when he looks up to the sky.
You take the water from him with a thank you, and the bottle cools your palms as you lag behind Soobin on the way to a more shaded area of the campus. âThe Center was still closed when I checked earlier. The guard said the staff are still in the process of cleaning it, so we canât start setting up anyway,â he explains. âIs this your piece?â
His question mellows you out immediately, just when you were about to complain about Mingyu again. Soobin peers at the canvas you have pressed to your side, tentatively waiting for a signal from you. You give a hum of agreement, a little self-conscious because itâs an evidently beginner piece, incomparable to Mingyuâs or Beomgyuâs works, and photography isnât exactly your niche, but you let him take the canvas from your arms anyway. Heâs careful when he holds the frame in his hands, stretching out his arms to get a full look.
âItâs pretty.â
âItâs amateurish,â you cringe. âI didnât think theyâd actually pick it.â
On the canvas is a silhouette of Sunghoon, pitch black against an ocean sunset. Itâs a cliche composition, taken on a whim with Jakeâs camera that you borrowed for ten minutes when you got bored on your beach trip last weekend. The decision to submit it was also just as impulsive. Youâre pretty sure Mingyu, Myungho, and Beomgyu just picked it because itâs you. Nothing better than some organizational nepotism. Youâll get them to admit that eventually.
âWell, itâs pretty good for someone whoâs just starting,â Soobin assures. The both of you must have forgotten that youâre in the middle of a road on campus, an archway of trees above you. The sunlight speckles that manage to leak through the leaves above can be seen shining spots on his face. âI can help you practice when I have the time.â
âNo way, do you also do photography?â Youâve only seen him do graphic design and some photo and video editing so far, so youâre legitimately pleasantly surprised. âThatâs unfair.â
âNo, I donât,â he answers. âI work better in front of the camera.â
You give him a look. Soobin notices that you donât quite understand him.
âIf the model looks good, then the photo will look good too.â
Youâre speechless. âWow,â you gape. âYou know, my first impression of you was that youâre a very kind, very shy, very gentle, very humble individual. But youâre actually quite shameless, Choi Soobin.â
Soobin only laughs, and you try to take your canvas back, but he insists on carrying it. You let him, not by choice, but because he lifted it up to his head and you canât possibly fucking reach that unless you climb him. Giving up, you look around. âSo, what now?â He raises a brow. âThe Cultural Center is closed and Mingyu will take a while. What are we supposed to do?â
You didnât expect him to actually try and think of something, so youâre surprised to hear his silence while heâs deep in thought, contemplating. You stifle out a chuckle. âWould you...like to check out a different exhibit in the meantime?â
âHm?â you look at him. âWhat exhibit?â
He scratches the back of his neck. âWell, I had Programming last semester and we had to develop an app as our final project. The faculty decided to display some outputs, andâ a-anyway, itâs in the CICT Building. If itâs too far, we donât have to go.â
âNo, I wanna see.â You tug on his sleeve and make your way to their building, overly familiar with the directions from the times youâd loiter around the premises in the hopes of catching a glimpse of Beomgyu, only to get roped by Mingyu and the other Shutter members for a few rounds at different pop-up bars and cafes in the city. But itâs been a while since youâve been here. Itâs white like most of the college buildings on campus, but itâs impossible to tell from the outside how much more budget the administration gave to this building for the air conditioning.
Soobin leads you inside the lobby and from there, you can already see a mini LED screen with the animated text saying SOPHOMORE COMPSCI EXHIBIT. IT203 Programming. OB 101. July 1-23, 2023. No admission fee! along with printed arrows on the floor leading to the large double doors on the right wing of the building. There are white and red balloons forming an arch around the doorâ their departmentâs signature color. âYou guys really went all out,â you nudge Soobin. He makes a noise of what you assume is embarrassment.
When you enter, youâre met with computer monitors, television screens, and even more LED screens in the large room, lining up in different rows with signs and other things you canât quite name accompanying them. Youâre so used to having only printouts, PDFs, and word documents in front of you for your major that you forgot other courses have a little more life in them.
âOhhh? Soobin, youâre here.â
Then you notice that there are a lot more people in the exhibit, presumably Soobinâs classmates because they either walk up to him, greet him, or both. Youâre stuck with a customer service smile as Soobin engages with them. That is until one of themâ a girl you think you share an elective class withâ looks at you with a bright smile. âHi! Are you Soobinâs girlfriend?â
Your eyes bat three times. Youâre flustered, but you maintain a tight smile to mask it. Soobin isnât handling it as well as you because he audibly makes a choking noise and his face, neck, and ears are visibly matching the color of the decorations strewn all about.
âSoobinie, I didnât know you had it in you.â
âWhy didnât you tell us? Wow, Iâm hurt.â
âItâs always the quiet ones you have to look out for.â
âN-no, what are youââ he stammers. âSheâs notâ I mean, why would youââ
Oh no. His friendsâ hollering and teasing isnât helping his case at all until Soobin gets enough of it and tells them to shut up while shooing them away. âIâm sorry. You mustâve been uncomfortable,â he says once theyâve all scattered off, a noticeable change in his timbre. âShould we just go?â
âItâs fine,â you assure him. âIâm sure they always do that whenever youâre with a friend theyâve never met before. Anyway, letâs just look at your work! Where is it? Which one?â
Youâre already sniffing out the displays one-by-one, but Soobin lags behind for a moment. You turn back, looking at him expectantly. âChoi Soobin.â
âItâs at the end of the next row.â His pace is slow as he leads you to his display, as though thereâs glue on his heels, pulling him into the floor. Your nose bumps into his back when he stops all of a sudden. Soobin spins around to sputter apologies, crouching a little to examine your face. âOh noââ
Your face is a little scrunched up and your cheeks are squished in between his palms. âDoes it hurt anywhere? Shit, Iâm so sorry.â You canât even say anything because heâs mushing your face. Your hands crawl up to his arms, about to pry him off, but you hear a voice inserting himself into the scene, and so you pause in the same position.
âKids have gotten bolder these days.â
You and Soobin turn your heads at the same time. You see someone leaning against the foundation pillar next to one of the displays. He has his arms crossed, and staring at the both of you with sharp, curious eyes. But it isnât quite clear since strands of his hair are covering most of it. The corners of his lips curve upwards, almost playfully. His piercings catch your attention nextâ dangling silver amidst various hoops and studs.
In other words, heâs dangerously attractive.
âHyung.â
Your eyes shift back to Soobin. His arms drop to his side and he straightens his posture. You watch as the newcomer approaches him, keeping a close eye on Soobinâs expression to gauge whether theyâre close or otherwise. âAh, go away.â Soobin rolls his shoulders when the other guy suddenly latches onto him like a koala, the same subtle grin painting his face.
âWow, you arenât even greeting me properly, you punk.â
Soobin gets a noogie, and youâre staring at the both of them with an absentminded smile until youâre finally noticed. Thereâs something in his gaze when he cranes his head ever the slightest to look at you, a slow roll of his irises, and you feel something burning.
âHi Soobinieâs girlfriend,â he greets. Soobin fully shoves him off.
âShe isnât.â
âI overheard the commotion earlier, though?â
âMy blockmates were just messing with me.â Your friend lets out a groan. âGo away.â
He doesnât go away. Instead, he releases Soobin and he slowly walks up to you. Your throat gets tighter every time he takes a step closer, up until heâs standing directly in front of you. âHi,â he introduced himself. âIâm Choi Yeonjun. That guyâs senior.â
Yeonjun points a thumb to âthat guy,â who isnât looking very bright at the moment, making it more difficult for you to gauge whether theyâre actually friends or not. But you put it on the backburner for now and give Yeonjun your name in response. He repeats it, testing how the syllables should roll off his tongue. Admittedly, your name sounds better when he says it.
âAre you really not dating Soobin?â he asks, and the question catches you off guard.
âNâno,â you quickly reply. âIâm very single right now.â
You want to punch yourself. The fuck kind of response was that?
It doesnât help when you hear Yeonjun laugh a little, and you feel yourself physically shrink and burn up. Youâre sure thereâs air-conditioning in the room, but youâre fanning yourself with your hands. The air squeezing down the back of your throat feels like flammable gas. âSounds a lot like an invitation,â you hear him say. You shoot up, blinking a few too many times.
âIâm sorry?â
Something is tugging on the corners of his lips, and brushes an index finger under his nose. âTo watch your exhibit,â Yeonjun clarifies. âYouâre friends with Soobin so youâre probably in Shutter, right? So, whenâs your exhibit?â
âOâoh, Iâm not sure. Iâll ask our Chair once we meet with him later.â
You release a breath youâve been unconsciously holding. âThenâŠâ he trails off, and you flinch when he suddenly dips closer. Holy shit, heâs too close. âWonât you need my number so you can tell me the date once youâre sure?â
Thereâs a cough, and you can hear Soobin mumble something inaudible. Your head peers above Yeonjunâs shoulder and he turns around to check on Soobin, as well. You ask him to repeat himself. âItâs nothing. I can give you updates on the exhibit, hyung,â he says. âAnd the open dates will be posted on our page as well.â
âAh, is that so?â
Your eyes narrow at their exchange. Soobin calls Yeonjun hyung and the latter knows heâs in Shutter, so youâve settled with thinking that theyâre friends. Yeonjun also seems to be pretty comfortable around your friend, but the evident tension in the air is making you second guess. Youâd have to ask Soobin later.
Then, Yeonjun says something that throws your plans out the window.
âShe can just give me a different date,â Yeonjun says. He spins on his heels and returns his attention to you, an eager smile on his face. âRight?â
Now, your love life might have been a consistent dumpster fire, but it doesnât take a genius to take a hint that Choi Yeonjun is hitting on you right now.
Your brain is short-circuiting, causing you to sputter out an unsure, âYes?â
âOkay.â It seems like that was good enough for Yeonjun because he graces you with a satisfied smile and holds his hand out. You stare at his open palm. He lifts a brow. âPhone?â
âOh! Rightââ
You dig into your pockets and fish out your phone, passing it to Yeonjun who brings the device close to his face, covering the amusement on his lips from your unhidden fluster. âCute,â you hear him mumble, and it feels like youâre being swallowed by hot sand.
Itâs hard not to get your hopes up from a first meeting like this, but Yeonjun is merciless. Your hopes flutter far above your head when he texts you later that evening while youâre out for dinner with Yura, asking when the aforementioned date will be.
âWhy is it so hard for all of us to get together?â Yunjin opens your first lunch together since the beginning of break by slamming a sprite can into the table. âItâs summer break for fuckâs sake!â
The hot pot restaurant youâre in has gotten noisier with your groupâs presence. Thereâs chopsticks clattering on silver platters, soda cans spritzing open, and a mess of voices as justifications break out from all sides of the table.
âI went home to see my parents!â Jay defends himself.
âSo did I!â adds Jake.
âKazuha booked her flight at the end of the month because sheâs smarter than you two,â Yunjin points her chopsticks at the latter before switching over to you, whoâs innocently shoving a piece of boiled meat into your mouth. âAnd youââ
âItâs not my fault I have org shit to take care of!â you say with a full mouth. Taehyun passes you a glass of water.
âWhat about you?â Jay juts out his chin at Sunghoon, whoâs also quietly eating from his bowl like youâve been earlier. âWhatâs your excuse?â
The moment summer break began, Sunghoon suddenly disappeared without a trace. He showed up at Jayâs condo with a suitcase and shopping bags yesterday evening without an explanation. You have yet to hear from the man himself. He gets uncomfortable from the amount of eyes staring at him and slams down his spoon.
âCanât a man get some personal time?!â
âThen go have lunch by yourself.â Taehyun pushes aside Sunghoonâs bowl while reaching out for some side dishes. âIâm sure he had a two week fling but it didnât work out so now heâs crawling back.â
âYah, what do you know?â Sunghoon shoots up. âYouâve never even dated before.â
âHey, you shouldnât slander Taehyun,â Yunjin butts in. You didnât think Taehyunâs accusation was true until Sunghoonâs reaction. Poor guy really must have gotten dumped. âHe got asked out by Aecha and a girl from broadcasting while you were off the radar.â
Sunghoon sits back down. âSeriously?â
âWait, how come I donât know this?â Jake only snorts at your question and reaches over the table to place a cube of radish into your open mouth. Your jaw chews automatically, waiting for an explanation.
Taehyun shrugged. Jay answers on his behalf. âDo the both of you even open our group chat? He turned them down. I wasnât even in the country but I knew.â
âWhat theââ Sunghoon looks at the man in question. âDude. Aecha is so pretty, why would you reject her?â
âGo date her yourself, then,â he says.
âMaybe I will.â
âI feel like Iâve overheard this conversation in high school,â you hear Kazuha from beside you and you breathe out a laugh in agreement.
âBut I was also pretty shocked when I found out Taehyun turned her down,â Yunjin says. âI thought you two got along pretty well.â
Aecha is another girl from your major, and youâve seen her and Taehyun together a few timesâ asking questions about your classes and such. It never hit you that she had a thing for your friend. Then again, you arenât the smartest person in that area, either. While listening, youâre on the verge of spilling your guts out on the table about the very dangerously attractive senior you met the other day. Kazuha notices how youâd suddenly grow quiet from time to time. You open your mouth, but Taehyun catches everyoneâs attention.
âIâm not interested in dating,â he says. âIâll just get distracted. If Iâm going to be this nationâs president in the future, thereâs things I need to prioritize first.â
You want to laugh at him, but the shit heâs saying is actually possible, even if heâs saying it with a serious voice as a joke. You decided to take public administration as a pre-law, but Taehyun seems to have a higher ambition than all of you combined. Sunghoon warns him that he shouldnât be too confident about staying single, âYouâll never know when youâll fall in love and trip over your plans, buddy.â Taehyun just shrugs him off and continues eating his lunch.
Youâve already emptied your bowl and are once again deep in thought. Itâs not only Kazuha that notices this timeâ Jake eyes you as he drinks from his glass of water. When he settles the glass down, he calls out your name. Your eyes snap forward and look at him. âYeah?â
âWhatâs up?â
Man, you really have to fess up now, donât you? It takes a while to get the words out of your system, and the amount of eyes staring at you is making the food crawl back up your system. This must be how Sunghoon was feeling earlier. âWell,â you start, trying out one word at a time. âI met a guy.â
Jay nearly spits out his water. You donât give them an opportunity to grill you and continue.
âWeâve been texting for a few days.â Itâs Yunjinâs turn to choke on her water. âIs it...too soon to go on a date with him this weekend?â
Youâre guessing you gave out too much information at once, so itâs taking them a while to make a response. You sit there, innocently fiddling on some tissue paper. Jay is the first one to recover/ âHoly shit. I didnât believe you when you said you were over Beomgyu, but I guess youâve really did move on, huh.â
âIs he pretty? Is he from our uni? Whatâs his major?â
âYou have a thing for tech boys, donât you?â
âShut up,â you smack Sunghoon. âBut is it too soon? OrâŠ?â
Kazuha drags her chair closer to yours. âTell us about him first.â
You cock your head, a little hesitant to say anything about Yeonjun yet. You don't think you know him well enough, granted that youâve only been texting for a few days. Still, you tell him what you canâ his name, that heâs a friend of a friend, and that heâs one of the prettiest people youâve ever seen.
âI think itâs too sudden,â says Jake.
âI think heâs just playing with you.â You smack Sunghoon a second time.
âDonât listen to them!â Yunjin jumps in before the boys can do any more damage. âYou should go date whoever you want and it doesnât have to be serious. Youâre at the very least interested in him, right?â
âWellâ yeah.â
âAnd it seems like heâs interested in you, too! If it works out, then great! If it doesnât, then weâll just help you get over him. Give it a shot. Youâll never know unless you do.â
You ponder over Yunjinâs advice for the rest of the day until you find yourself staring at your phone screen instead of going to sleep. The night is leaking through your window, and you turn to your side, biting your thumb. The screen is showing your last conversation with Yeonjun, earlier this morning before you left to meet with your friends. Your bedside clock ticks impatiently. Then you start typing.
Saturday.
Hm?
I heard thereâs a summer promo at Baskin Robbins.
You shove a pillow to your face and you end up kicking off your blankets. Taking a sharp breath, you sit up and attempt to lower the rising temperature, else you wouldnât be sleeping tonight. Though when you see his reply, you fumble harder.
Canât wait :)
Yunjin shouldâve warned you that taking her advice had side effects.
Saturday comes. Youâre already sweating buckets on the elevator ride down your apartment.
Itâs hot out, so Iâll pick you up, Yeonjun texted a few hours prior. He also asked what outfit youâll be wearing. We should match, he says. Youâre in an oversized striped dress shirt and about to pass out from nervousness.
One thing you havenât told your friends is that fact that youâve never been on a date before. Like, ever. Your high school years were plagued by books and tests and assignments and the moment your parents allowed you to move out for university, you decided you wanted to live your life to the fullestâ at least during your first year.
However, your resolve doesnât translate to having balls of steel. The elevator reaches the ground floor and you hesitate to leave. You pull out your phone and use it as a mirror to give yourself one last check, fearing that your makeup has already melted off. It took you thirty minutes just to get your eyeliner perfect and youâd cry if theyâve gotten ruined.
You only get one quick glance before the screen flashes on. An incoming call from Yeonjun. You press the phone to your ear and hurry out the elevator. âIâm on the way!â The floor is slippery when you skid across the lobby and emerge through the entrance, but you manage to catch your balance by holding onto the doorframe.
âI see you.â
You allow your arm to fall to your side because you spot him as well in front of your building, waiting outside a gray vehicle. He was serious when he said heâd match your clothes.
Yeonjun waves at you with a wide grin, but eyes covered by the dark shades perched on top of his nose. It doesnât stop your cheeks from flaring up. You feel like you should be the one protecting your eyes and not him.
âThe temperature today is brutal, isnât it?â he says upon your arrival. âAh, I canât wait for some ice cream therapy.â
He should know that heâs much more dangerous than the scalding summer heat. The warmth from his palm is still lingering on your shoulder when he guides you inside his car, and you feel a lot more lightheaded inside the compact space of the vehicle than when you were outside. Your left leg is jerking in nervousness. Yeonjun turns on some music, and you start to loosen up a bit more.
âYou know,â he says, eyes on the road in front of him. âYouâre a lot more talkative in text than in person.â
You shouldâve known youâve been pathetically obvious. âRelax. I wonât eat you up.â Yeonjun assures.
âItâs just that,â your knuckles tighten on your lap. âIâve never been on a date before.â
âReally? Guess I should do a good job today.â
When you snatch a glance at him, he peers at you with a smile and you want to explode. âSo that youâll let me take you out on a second one.â
Itâs always like this whenever youâre with Yeonjun. You learn this after the second, third, fifth time youâre out with him. Itâs like something is burning, always keeping you on your toes else youâll combust along with the flames. Heâll say something thatâll set your cheeks on fire and wonât do anything to put it out.
Yet the burn is addicting, like when your fingers start to sting a little after playing with lit candles whenever thereâs a power outage. But you still swipe your index finger barely above the flame to show off that you can tame it with your own hands.
The exhibit will be on the twenty-second of July. Yeonjun says heâll be there.
âYouâve been in a great mood lately.â
You turn around after settling an easel at the end of the room to find Mingyu fixing the ones next to you. Itâs a day before the exhibitâ Hanyeorum, as the selected titleâ and some volunteers from Shutter are making last minute preparations at the Cultural Center. The easels you borrowed from storage finally arrived. All thatâs left is to arrange them along with the photos, and plaster their labels underneath.
âSome would say you even look prettier,â he wiggles his brows, and you snort.
âWhat do you want, Chair?â
Mingyu pouts, moving over to another corner of the venue. âYour attitude still sucks, though.â
âAs if yours is any better,â you shoot him a grin. He lets out a scoff and falls to the floor, sitting cross legged and looking up at you. He pats the ground in front of him. Youâve been working and walking around since two in the afternoon and itâs already getting dark, so you take his offer.
âAre you inviting anyone for the exhibit tomorrow?â he asks. You raise a brow at him, wiping your hands with the towel youâve just stolen from his shoulder. The easels are dusty. Mingyu continues talking. âThey say if you bring someone to check out Seo Myunghoâs âEverlong,â the both of you will fall in love.â
âThat sounds fucking stupid.â You toss the towel back at him. âWait a minute. Are you spreading these rumors to get more people to come?â
He grins. âGenius, right?â
âHate to admit it, but thatâs actually a good strategy,â you tell him, and his face stretches into a proud smile. âNeed any help spreading fake news?â
âIf we reach one-fifty visitors on the first day, Iâm treating everyone who helped out. A new bar opened in the district.â
You shake on it. âLeave it to me.â How can you say no to free drinks? Even if you donât reach the quota, Mingyu will probably spend money on you all, anyway.
âIâll take over from here. Go take a break until the guys come back with the displays.â
You have no reason to protest. You snatch a can of soda from a plastic bag in the middle of the room and make your way outside. The night breeze is gentle on your skin, and you spot someone else taking a breather outside the building. Heâs leaning against the railings, looking into the dim painted campus. âChoi Soobin,â you call out. He turns around, blank face tugging into a small smile and he greets you the same way as you called him. Itâs been a while since youâve hung out with him. Even the days where you were working for the exhibit, you and him have only exchanged a few words, mostly greetings.
âAre they done inside?â he asks. You take the spot next to him.
âNot yet,â you reply. The soda can is cold on your lips, and you look up at him. âHeard the rumor about Myunghoâs piece?â
âThe one Mingyu hyung is spreading to get people interested?â Your laugh comes off as a huff of air when he hits the nail on the head. Just how many people has Mingyu been recruiting? Soobin tells you how ridiculous it sounds. âI donât think itâs gonna work as well as he thinks.â
âI think otherwise,â you tell him. âThe fact that such a rumor exists in the first place is gonna draw their curiosity, whether they believe it or not. 2,000 won isnât much. Iâm sure people would throw away their money to see what in the hell this Everlong piece looks like.â
Soobin laughs. âYouâve got a point.â He stays quiet for a moment before asking, âDid you invite Yeonjun hyung?â
âHe says heâll come,â you reply. âWhatâs with the face?â
Youâve noticed his discomfort on the day you met Yeonjun, second guessing your assumption that they were friends (they are, Yeonjun assures. Soobin also clarified that when you questioned him on the same day). However, you still havenât gotten an explanation from that dau. You hope Soobin will give you some clarity tonight. âI hope you donât take this the wrong way,â he starts, and you listen attentively. âBut Iâm just worried.â
âIs he a player, or something?â you raise a brow. âHe does look like one, and I thought so too at first until I got to know him better. But if he is, you wouldâve warned me.â
Soobin shakes his head. âNo, wellâ heâs not like that, butââ Heâs a little hesitant. You can tell from his expression. âYeonjun hyung isnât an...actively bad person. Itâs just thatâŠhe sort of has commitment issues.â
This is news to you, but you keep your thoughts to yourself first. Soobin continues and you keep listening. âHe doesnât hesitate to make a move when heâs interested in someone, but after a couple of dates or when things start getting a little more serious, he gets cold feet and it ends upâ you know.â
Itâs not an easy story to tell. Soobin must have spent a while thinking if he should tell you these things about Yeonjun or not, considering the fact that heâs probably closer with him than you, who just popped up in his life a few months ago. Yet he still told you, and heâs looking at you with such an earnest concern in his eyes. âThe two of you are my friends and the last thing Iâd want is either of you getting hurt.â To say youâre touched is an understatement.
âFor a while I thought you were being jealous.â You joke in an attempt to lighten up the mood, but itâs only made the air colder and you quickly try to cover it up. âBut thanks for looking out for me, Choi Soobin.â
He presses his lips into a tight smile. Your shoulder slump, letting yourself sink into the railings.
âI donât know. I still like him a lot,â you admit and Soobin hums in response. âStill. Whatever happens, I hope it doesnât get in the way of your friendship with either of us.â
Soobinâs smile settles softer. âOf course,â he says, and itâs suddenly a lot easier for you to breathe. In spite of the arid summer weather, itâs cooler tonight. The wind blows in a gentle rhythm outside the Center, and you sip on your soda in the quiet of each otherâs company. The science doesnât last longâ you start hearing a lot of noise coming from inside the building, prompting you to straighten.
âI think Beomgyu and the rest are back,â you tell Soobin, tugging on his sleeve. âLetâs go. God, I canât wait for this shit to be over.â
You shouldâve taken Soobinâs words as a warning.
Itâs the day of the exhibitâs opening and people are slowly trickling in. The tarpaulin in front of the building was designed by yours trulyâ Hanyeorum in a warm orange and deep purple palette. Mingyu says he can already smell the success of the exhibit, but youâre restless at the ticketing area, walking in circles with your eyes glued to your phone until someone calls out your name.
âYour friends are looking for you,â Yuraâs head pops into the booth. âChan is coming in a bit to take over.â
When Chan arrives, you hop off from your post and join the four people loitering by the entrance. Yunjin and Kazuha are out of the country for vacation, so youâre left with four bastards. They donât notice you as theyâre huddled around your piece near the doors, so you bump your head into Jakeâs back.
Four heads turn around. Jake swallows you in a one-armed hug when they notice itâs you. âThey finally set you free,â he says, destroying all the work you put in your hair in a matter of seconds.
âThis org will fall apart without me,â you say, still tucked into your friendâs side and you cringe when your eyes land on your piece. Mingyu still hasnât admitted that itâs only up for display because heâs biased. Your friends are praising you because theyâre biased, too.
âThis one is the best in the entire exhibit.â Except for Sunghoon. Youâre sure he only likes it because heâs in the photo.
âHave you even checked the rest of the exhibit?â you raise a brow at him.
âNo, and I donât need to,â he says then releases a noise of awe accompanied by an approving nod, hand on his chin and all. âThis is a masterpiece.â
âWhereâs the cursed photo everyoneâs talking about?â Jay asks, looking around the interior like some sort of art critic. Heâs even wearing obnoxious ass shades.
âRight,â Taehyun adds. âThe thing you told us about.â
âItâs not cursed. It makes you fall in love,â you click your tongue, finally escaping from Jakeâs grasp. Jay scoffs at your correction.
âSounds like a curse to me.â
Nevertheless, you take them to see Myunghoâs display. You guys printed it on the biggest canvas you could get your hands on and made sure to position it at the end of the building so that the viewers could wander for a longer time. The downside for that reveals itself to you in the form of your friends getting distracted by other photographs and disappearing like scattered bugs in the Center.
The only one youâre left with is Taehyun, whoâs genuinely curious to see your seniorâs piece.
âWow,â he gapes. âI didnât think itâd actually be good, but this is amazing.â
What overtakes the wall is a massive blanket of the night sky, splotched with the occasional star. Itâs on the rooftop of somewhere you donât know, but the sky is so clear, so pretty, so hollow that it draws your attention. The canvas nearly stretches from the floor to the ceiling. It was Mingyuâs idea to print it this big. He wanted to make it feel like youâre in the photo yourselfâ with your significant other, friend, or anyone you want to share the midsummer night sky with.
âI thought Yeonjun was coming over.â You turn to look at Taehyun. He must be done admiring the piece.
âI thought so too.â you reply.
Heâs quiet for a momentâ a cautious silence before asking, âHave you texted him?â
âWhat do you think?â
Youâre engulfed in your second hug for the day. Taehyun is never affectionate with any of you, so you know youâre already that pitiful when he decides to comfort you with an embrace, but you donât complain.
âMaybe something came up so he canât reply yet. Donât be too sad over a man. Enjoy your opening day with the rest of your friends.â
If Soobin hadnât told you anything yesterday evening, you mightâve been a little more hopeful and it would have bitten back twice as hard and painful. Still, your hopes arenât completely obliterated. You wait for a text or a call or anything up until the first day of your exhibit finally wraps up and youâre in Mingyuâs car with shitty love songs playing on the speaker on the way to Dice, the newly opened bar he mentioned.
âCheers!â
Shot glasses clunk with one another and you feel the burn crawling down your throat. âSlow down,â Myungho warns while refilling your glass. âI donât want to clean up after you tonight.â
Your mouth forms into bitter pout. âCut me some slack. Iâm tired and sad and Iâll get shitfaced if I want to.â Your head dips back as you finish another shot. Myungho clicks his tongue with a disapproving head shake and transfers to a different table, where you spot Soobin stealing glances at you.
Shit, he mustâve heard you. You try shrinking yourself and squeeze next to Yura. God, you probably seem pathetic to him right now. It hasnât even been two days since you talked about Yeonjun, but his warning already happened. You donât think you can talk to him about it yet, so you gather yourself to a different table. You hear an angelâs chorus singing when you spot Mingyu near the bar front. Heâs with some Shutter members that you arenât really close with, but you bulldoze through it.
Mingyu spots you and waves over for you to come with a bright smile that signals heâs already a few bottles in. âSit here!â your senior beckons, patting on the empty chair beside him.
âWhoâs this?â the guy sitting across him asks. You recognize him from some of the events your org has hadâ Jeonghan, you think, but youâre not entirely sure since youâve never talked to him. All you know is that he likes to tease the other members in the group chat a lot.
Still, you give him a polite smile and Mingyu introduces you to each other. You were right. He is Jeonghan.
âOhhh! So, this is her,â Jeonghan exclaims, stirring your confusion. âThe girl Soobinie likes!â
You blink at him. âExâ excuse me?â
Mingyu quickly brushes his statement away with a laugh and starts thanking you for the exhibitâs success in between drinks. There were a total of 167 visitors today, morning to evening, so Shutter finally has some expendable funds.
You shouldâve learned from the first night you were out drinking with Mingyu that you cannot keep up with his pace, but you never learn. Heâs making you another drink, sober enough to not spill anything, but your head is already feeling dizzy.
âIâm gonna go get some fresh air.â
âCareful! Wait, hyung you should accompany herââ
âIâm fine!â you assure. âI can still walk by myself, thank you very much.â
You can. Barely, but you can manage. Itâs better than being assigned to a senior youâre not even close with and youâd much rather be alone so you can wallow in your feelings. But you overestimated your motor skills while under the influence. You bump into a pillar and stumble right when youâve almost reached the foyer.
âWhoa. Are you okay?â
The shock and shame of seeing Soobinâs face is almost enough to snap you back into sobriety. He managed to grab you by the shoulders before you could make a fool out of yourself in a public bar.
âChoi Soobin,â you greet him. âYou were right. Totally, completely right.â
âLetâs get you back on your feet first, okay?â He steadies you back on your feet, and you grumble with a tight grip on his sleeve to keep yourself balanced. You finally make it to the foyer, leaning against the ledge as you intake the fresh breeze. Itâs a mirror of your encounter with him last night. Even the conversations are direct reflections of each other.
âYeonjun didnât show up today,â you finally tell him. He settles next to you, and his elbow brushes against yours.
âMaybe something urgent came up?â he says after a moment of pondering. You fish out your phone and after a few scrolls and taps, you flash him the screen, revealing your last conversation with Yeonjun. Conversation is a stretch. The rows of messages you sent today are all marked as read. Soobinâs face glows from the bluelight. âOh.â
You pocket your phone and stare back into the horizon. There are more occupied tables settled in the barâs backyard, eliminating any opportunity for silence to rupture. âIâm sorry,â he says. You look up and give him a smile.
âItâs okay,â you tell him. âIâm okay. We were only talking for like, three weeks. I didnât even like him that much.â
Yet in spite of the white noise, the moment when you stop speaking feels heavier than the dead of night. Soobin peers down at your face. Youâre staring blankly at the air, and heâs almost convinced youâre actually fine until he catches the slight quiver of your lips and the damp glassiness of your eyes. He flinches back when you suddenly take a sharp breath.
âI thought he was the one! God damn itââ
Heâs in a bit of panic at your outburst, unsure of what to do so he settles with awkwards pats on your shoulder as you continue your fit. âWhy is it so hard to get in a relationship?â you exclaim. âI mean, it seems so easy for other people! I stopped eating at the cafeteria because I see couples left and right, while all i do is fall on love on my own and end up disappointed and heart broken.â
Your rant leaves you a little out of breath. The air circling around you starts to grow warmer, and Soobinâs face starts to grow a little hazy as you slowly blink, but the concern in his eyes cuts clear despite your insobriety. It makes you laugh a little.
âChoi Soobin,â you call his attention. âDo you like anyone?â
Silence settles in the dry, arid evening. You watch as hidden thoughts flit through his head until he finally gives an answer.
âI do,â he says.
And you remember Jeonghanâs words from earlier. Itâs hard to take seriously, and youâre not sure if you even want to take it seriously. Still, it leaves an aftertaste in your mouth, and you swallow it with a sigh. âGood for them,â you hum, melting further into the iron ledge. âMust be nice to be at the receiving end of love. Ah, why do I fall for people so quickly? Am I just easy?â
You earn a comforting pat from Soobin, his hand settling on the top of your head and when you peer up at him, heâs looking away with an unsure expression, the same uncertainty you can feel in the tremors from his hand.
âWe should get back inside. Youâre not even wearing a jacket.â
âItâs pretty warm out.â
âStill. Summer colds are brutal,â you nudge him. âLetâs go back.â
Mingyu managed to get other members to help in managing the exhibit until the first week of August, so you have more time for yourself. While everyone else crashed with the waves and dug underneath the sand, you resigned to staying indoors and sleeping in while you still can. Youâve heard from some seniors that the next semester will be a lot more brutal.
Itâs only the end of July, yet the air around you has shifted from a sweltering burn to a mellow warmth of burnt orange and chalky sienna. Itâs still hotter on some days, and those days youâre out with whichever friend is available.
Summer ended early for you. Youâre still figuring out how you feel about that.
A WEEK BEFORE FALL SEMESTER, you and Yura decide to clean up your closets and buy more appropriate clothes for the season. Youâve already signed up for your classes once the MIS opened, and you and your friend were lucky enough to enroll in the same elective. Youâre only good at graphic design, but you hope art appreciation will be kind to you.
âI donât think I have any more space for this,â you state, expertly flitting through the clothes rack of cardigans and sweaters. Thereâs a red one that catches your eye, so you pull it out and hang it over your arm along with your other picks.
âThatâs why I went home last weekend and left a bunch of my clothes there,â Yura replies. âWhat if you sell your old clothes online?â
âIâm thinking about it,â you say. âFor the meantime, maybe Iâll just stuff my summer shit in a bag and hide it under the bed.â
âSounds good,â she says. âShould we check out?â
You two leave the thrift store with two bags in each hand and decide to stop by a ramen place for lunch. While waiting for your orders to arrive, you settle into idle conversation. âYouâre meeting up with Chair later, right?â
âYup,â you reply. Your orders arrive, and you thank the waiter and split apart your chopsticks. âHe wants to hear my ideas for the campus festival.â
âI feel like he relies on you a lot,â she says. âMaybe he wants you to be the next Shutter Chair.â You donât think sheâs wrong. Itâs evident to everyone that youâre working more than what your position entails. Sometimes, you feel like a second Vice along with Myungho. Not that youâre overly against itâ in fact, being needed makes you feel a lot better.
âDoes he want to pass his headache to me?â you laugh. âIâm not even sure if I still want to stay in Shutter next year. I want to focus on my acads.â
You notice that sheâs been a little less bubbly since earlier. You sip on a little bit of ramen soup and watch Yura as she eats, a thought seeping in your mind and you settle your chopsticks for a moment. âI got ghosted last month.â She coughs on a noodle. âOn the day of the exhibit opening.â
Once she recovers from the joke, a glass of water from you to help, she looks at you with wide eyes. âHello?!â
âTry some karaage.â
You place a piece of the fried dish into her mouth. While sheâs chewing and swallowing, you can see her processing your words better. âWho?â
âA guy from comp sci,â you say, picking on the boiled egg in your ramen bowl. âI donât think you know him.â
Your confession simmers in the air for a moment as you two continue your meals in silence. That is until Yura puts down her bowl after finishing her food and tells you, âI got rejected.â
Cautiously, the words stumble on your tongue. âBy...Choi Soobin?â
âHow did you know?!â
âI sort of noticed you have a crush on him,â you sheepishly say. âI havenât told anyone, donât worry.â
The both of you share a moment of silence to mourn the death of your love lives. Itâs almost funny how you and her have an accumulated zero when it comes to your luck with men. âYou know what,â you start, ready to leave the restaurant. âWe should focus on self love next semester. Fuck everyone else.â
âYeah!â Yura follows after you, picking up her shopping bags from the floor. âFuck everyone else!â
Another wave of silence overtakes you as you leave the restaurant, and once youâre back out in the main space of the mall, thereâs a relapse.
âI miss him.â
âI miss him, too.â
This is gonna take a while.
Yura gives you a hug before you part ways in front of campus. Mingyu already texted that heâs in the clubroom with your coffee as hostage. The ice is already melted when you get there, and the both of you spend more time scrolling on your phones on the bed Myungho bought the other week because a few too many people have fallen asleep in the office. Youâre supposed to be making initial plans for the September festival, but your feet are on Mingyuâs lap and heâs trying his best to fit on the mattress.
âHey, set me up with one of your friends.â You kick your feet to pull up your body, sitting up straight and Mingyu looks at you like youâve just assaulted him. âI saw your insta story yesterday. The guy in the bucket hat and glasses is cute.â
âHeâs married to his lab reports and is in love with his cat. Youâll only get your heart broken,â he says, sending you a pointed look. âDonât you have anyone youâre interested in from your major?â
You run the numbers in your head. Thereâs only a handful of people you find attractive from your major and most of them are your friends. Mingyu takes note of the unabashed disgust on your face.
âIâm guessing thatâs a no. How about your anonymous confessor?â
Right. Thereâs that Shinbi guy from orientation. Whatever the confession said is already fuzzy to you, and no oneâs even made a move since then so you didnât dwell on it too much. Mingyu plops down the bed, looking up to you with his feet swinging behind him like a teenage girl. âHave they revealed themselves yet?â
âWhat? No. I think theyâre over me,â you scrunch your nose. âItâs been months. Itâs already expired. Thereâs no hope in that anymore.â
âDo you seriously have no idea who it is? Dude, Iâve been teasing you with him all this time!â
âChoi Soobin?â He gives you a look: Bingo. âWhat the hell makes you say itâs him? Did he tell you?â
âNo.â You raise a fist. âBut hear me out, okay? Waitââ
Very quickly, he scrambles off the bed and hauls in the whiteboard you have in the office. The wheels screech as he drags the giant board in front of the bed. The marker cap pulls out with a pop, and he writes CHOI SOOBIN on the white surface, all caps, and then SHINBI at the bottom.
âLook,â he taps the marker on the board. âAll the letters in Shinbi can be found in his name.â
Your head tilts, observing the bullshit heâs written. He seems about right. âAnd?â
âThatâs it,â he nods, looking proud. âWhat?â
You throw a pillow to his face.
âHey, what if Iâm right? What if it really is Soobin?â he pushes defensively, roughly erasing the blasphemic writings he made on the board. âHow would you feel?â
Itâs been months, and whoever Shinbi is, theyâve probably lost their feelings already so you see no point in dwelling on it. But if Mingyuâs speculations are correct, then that complicates things. You recall Jeonghanâs words from the other day, and the fact that Yura literally got rejected by him and sheâs still far from over him. The very idea stresses you out.
âI donât think itâs him.â You hope itâs not him. âBut if it is, then heâs really doing a favor for my ego.â
Mingyu has already positioned the whiteboard back on the opposite side of the room. Heâs back with a skeptical eyebrow raise. âI mean, if a good looking guy has a crush on you, wonât you feel like youâre the hottest person on earth?â Not taking things seriously fends away the stress.
âSo, youâre just using him to feed your narcissism?!â he gasps. âDonât do my son dirty like that!â
âCalm your giant tits, Gyu. Itâs more likely to be Heeseung than Soobin.â
God, you donât even want to begin thinking if it turns out to be him. Mingyu raises his arms protectively against his chest and you sigh. âLetâs shut up about this and plan for the festival.â
âYour boy thirsty ass is the one who brought this up in the first place.â You hit him with another pillow the moment he settles back on the bed. âOw! This is why you donât have a boyfriend. Your temper is shit.â
For the rest of the afternoon, all you two do is type down all the ideas that float in your head in a shared Google document until you realize that half of them arenât feasible with your bare minimum budget, so the document gets cut in half until you settle with some basic shitâ a photobooth and a table to sell some prints of your membersâ works.
Before you conclude for the day, Mingyu mentions an upcoming university event sometime within the month. âWe need two volunteers from Shutter to join the LDT. Seungcheol hyung said itâs required.â But you put it on the back burner for now. Mingyu gives you a ride home and you decide to schedule a meeting sometime in the middle of the month. For now, you have some classes to prepare for.
âThanks, Chair. Drive safe.â
Itâs great that things are starting to get busy again. That way, you can keep your mind occupied with the incoming season.
âAre you actually joining?â
Itâs two weeks into the semester. Your friends are gathered under the orange leaves of burnt trees at the courtyard, spending your vacant period with laptops and other devices on the bench. âNo one else volunteered,â you answer Taehyunâs question, mindlessly scrolling through a highlighted PDF document on your laptop. You have a recitation for South Korean Politics and Governance in an hour and a half. Might as well get some last minute reading while you can.
âWe also have a presentation at the end of the month. I hope you donât forget,â he says, and you roll your eyes.
âI have our work schedule planned out. You know you have zero shit to worry about when youâre with me.â
âWhy did Prof. Seo pair you two up? Itâs not fair,â Jake whines, pushing away his iPad in order to melt into the stone table. âDonate some brains to the rest of us.â
You peer down at the back of his head. âWho are you working with again?â
âHim.â
He points a finger to the person on the table next to yours. Sunghoon is hogging Kazuhaâs laptop, but he turns back when Jakeâs words sink into him. âWhat are you insinuating, Shim Jaeyun?â
âAt least youâre not working with our majorâs resident deadweight,â Yunjin joins Jake with his table meltdown, to which the latter agrees and takes back his remark.
âIâll help you whenever I can, Yunjin,â you pat her head, but Taehyun isnât too impressed by your volunteerism.
âNo, you arenât,â he says. âYou already have Shutter and the LDT on your plate. You should sleep when you can. Yunjin, Iâll help you. Let this dumbass rest.â
You shoot him a glare for calling you a dumbass and he simply ignores you and continues with his reading material, but you are a little touched. He isnât wrong. You still have the university festival next month and before that thereâs the LDT next weekâ or the Leadership Development Training your university council is organizing. Every student organization, college council, and publication are required to send two to three representatives. Myungho was the only one available from Shutterâs officers, so you felt compelled to throw yourself in the waters. Mingyu assured itâs just gonna be a one-day seminar with team games in the afternoon like last year, so you arenât too worried about it.
But Taehyun is worried. Your 2am texts to the group chat about how fucking tired you are probably isnât of help.
âIâm going to the restroom,â you announce, and Yunjin shoots up to follow you with Kazuha automatically joining the both of you as well. Your friends are a bunch of idiots so they tell you theyâre going to talk shit behind your backs before you leave.
You and Kazuha wait outside the door for Kazuha. Sheâs dreading your KPG recitation because she fell asleep while studying last night (read: three in the morning). âIâm sure itâll be fine. Prof. Kim isnât as terrifying as Sir Jung. I almost passed out the other week because he kept using my answers against me.â
âDonât remind me,â she shudders. âI wasnât even called but I was terrified just watching you guys.â
From the corner of your eye you see someone familiar in the hallway. Yunjunâs voice slips in and out of your ears as you meet eyes with Yeonjun as he passes by. You feel a familiar burn welling up in your system. When Yunjin notices, you have to stop her from jumping the guy when he turns to go up the stairs. âLet me hit him. Just once, pleaseââ
âCalm down,â you grab her shoulders. âThe guyâs probably just here to pass a paper.â
âIâm sorry. If i didnât tell you to go for it, this wouldnât have happened.â
You give her a smile. âCâmon. Itâs not your fault. Besides, Iâm more or less over him already. Three weeks isnât enough to ruin my life.â Itâs not that youâre pinning the blame on Yeonjun, either. You understand him, in a way, because commitment isnât easy with a lot of people. You also fell too quick, too hard, too easily. Maybe itâs thanks to that that youâre also able to move on pretty quickly. You only hope that this doesnât affect his and Choi Soobinâs friendship.
Once Kazuha joins you, the three of you head to the classroom. Taehyun and the rest of the guys brought your things with them already.
The week goes by quickly, and before you know it, itâs already the day before the LDT and youâve been assigned to a team. Seeing the list in your email, you notice that you know only one person from your teamâ Chaewon from last semesterâs Ethics class. You receive a message from her just a few moments later filled with crying emojis, just as relieved as you to know someone. Not long after, youâre both added to a group chat, and you donât send any messages except for an introduction because you donât want to be team leader. Chaewon has the same strategy. Your team color is orange and you dig into your closet for thirty minutes to find an orange top.
The whole event isnât something youâre exactly excited for. Itâs something you just want to get over with. Itâs Saturday tomorrow and you have a presentation with Taehyun on Monday. So when you arrive on campus at six in the morning to get to know your team, youâre holding back a yawn and trying your best to pay attention.
After Chaewon introduces herself to the orange circle, your turn comes up like a blur. You arenât really looking at your team members that muchâ ironic because the afternoon is dedicated to team building activities. That is until the next person introduces himself, and youâre suddenly hit harder than the seeds falling from the trees.
âHi, my name is Huening Kai. Iâm a first year VetMed student.â
Heâs cute, you think. Itâs ass oâclock in the morning but heâs already smiling so brightly as if the obnoxious orange hoodie heâs wearing isnât already catching everyoneâs attention. You know youâre staring at him, but the rest of your team is too, especially when heâs expressing his determination to win the team building games later.
Throwing together a bunch on people who are at most acquaintances is simply going to be harrowing awkwardness unless thereâs an evident extrovert, and youâre lucky enough to have that person in the form of Boo Seungkwan, a junior from broadcasting who is also (very obviously) your team leader. Just as Mingyu said, the entire morning program is a seminar about budgeting and how liquidation works in your university, but youâre barely paying attentionâ partially because your very cute teammate from earlier is sitting in front of you and the back of his head that keeps on bouncing around is distracting.
âOh no, I missed the slide,â you hear Chaewon from beside you before she scoots closer to take a look at your notepad. âDid you catch what it said?â
âHuh?â Youâve only written notes up to the third slide. Youâre not sure how far into the presentation youâre already at. âSorry, Iâm a little sleepy today.â
She promises to send you her notes once the event is over, and you mutter a thank you even though you can honestly care less. Youâre only here because youâre required to and the only positive benefit youâve received thus far is the eye candy sitting in front of you. He turns around to pass you the packed lunches theyâre giving out. âCareful. Itâs a little hot,â he says.
âThanks.â You smile at him, and he returns the expression tenfold. You were dreading the team building activities in the afternoon but if this guy is cheering you on, you think you can run just about five laps in the field.
âPlease gather at the front of the building by one-thirty! For the meantime, you may eat your lunch and change clothes since things are going to get physical. Thank you!â
After eating, you carry your bag to the restroom to change. Lucky enough, you managed to borrow a more comfortable orange shirt from Jake. You exit the bathroom looking like a deflated mandarin, and as youâre walking half-dead, you bump into a large, red mass in the hallway. When you look up, you instantly brighten. God, it feels great to see someone youâre actually close with.
âChoi Soobin!â you exclaim. âYouâre here! Why didnât you tell me youâre also joining?â
He only replied with a sheepish laugh and you canât help but feel disappointed that he didnât tell you. Your teams are sitting far apart from each other (odd choice from the organizers because the two colors literally sit next to each other in the rainbow), so youâve never seen him the whole morning.
âI already volunteered under my major so I couldnât do the same for Shutter,â he explains. You purse your lips, not even making an attempt to hide your disappointment. Maybe heâs trying to make some distance since youâre friends with Yura and he doesnât want you to get caught in between, but youâre not having any of that. His friend ghosted you and youâre still on good terms with him. You wonât let him take a step back when youâre already this close.
âChoi Soobin,â you say again sternly this time, and he jumps. At first, you started calling each other with your full government names as a joke, but your tongue has grown familiar with it. Heâs looking a little nervous from your tone. You canât help but break into a grin. âI owe you dinner. Take note of that.â
âFor what?â he asks.
âFor trying to warn me about Yeonjun. If you hadnât told me anything that night, I might still be crying about him today. But thanks to you, I was able to prepare myself a little better,â you tell him. âAnyway, red looks good on you. Good luck to you and your team, but mineâs still winning.â
You let him off with a light punch to his arm and skip back inside in a better mood than earlier this morning. Soobin stops you before youâre too far away, calling out your full name in the hallway that you turn around embarrassed, ready to scold him because there are still other people around besides the both of you.
But you donât scold him. He gives you a smile that makes his eyes disappear. âGood luck. Donât get hurt,â he says, and you can hear the noise from somewhere inside your system threatening to build up again.
âYou too.â
At first, you werenât planning on pouring all your effort into the games. But then you remember that you donât like losing, and Huening looks extra pocketable when heâs bouncing around after your team finishes a station.
Itâs amazing race. Your team has to accomplish all five stations in record time to earn points. Youâre at the third station, blindfolded in the field with the rest of your teammates shouting directions at you. You think your back is going to break after limbo-ing too hard to evade the apparent obstacle hanging right above the end line.
âFinish!â
No, you canât see. But you can definitely hear the victorious shouts around you and feel the bodies hurling themselves at you. The blindfold slips down amidst the chaos, and youâre met with a sight that rivals the sun, painted in bright orange and flakes of gold. It hits you that Huening is beaming because of you. It hits you a second time that heâs jumping on and off the ground while shaking you by the shoulders in a fit of excitement. You struggle to keep balance, struggling harder to keep smiling because oh noâ here we go again.
âNext station, guys! Letâs go!â
He shakes off the gold confetti from the last station and runs along with your group. You have to make a conscious effort to sprint because your legs are jelly from your most recent realization, so youâre the last one to arrive at the fourth station by the water fountain. You hoped that getting splashed in the face will bring you back to your senses, but Huening looks like heâs filming a youth drama in the water like that.
The last station ends in a blur, and before you know it youâre back on the field for the last game. âThis game is called Caterpillar. Team leaders, please come to the table here at the MCâs station and get your handkerchiefs.â
Itâs a simple enough game. All of you have to fall in line and hold onto the person in front of you like your lives depended on it. The member at the very front of the line, or the head, can snatch the handkerchiefs from other teams. The handkerchiefs must be tucked behind the last member, or the tail. Seungkwan already volunteered to be the head, but your team is still trying to decide who your tail should be. âThey have to be agile and good at evading,â he says. âAnyone up for it?â
You have no intentions of volunteering, but Huening does it for you. You nearly choke when you hear him mention your name. âYou did great during the blindfolded obstacle course,â he says. Chaewon vigorously nods in agreement.
âWe can win this.â
âAre you sure?â you stammer, a little surprised. âIf we lose, donât blame me.â Seungkwan seems to have faith in you as well and youâre in mild panic. But once youâve tucked in the orange handkerchief in your shorts, your competitiveness gets the best of you. Five more minutes before the death match starts. Youâre behind the rest of your team and doing some stretches.
âDonât overdo it!â You pause mid-stretch when Huening passes by with a pat on your shoulder. âFighting!â Oh, youâre so winning this.
All ten teams are scattered on the field like a lopsided rainbow. Itâs oddly tense. Your eyes land on the team clad in red right in front of yours, and you find Soobin at the head of their line. He looks nervous and it makes you laugh a little. He probably couldnât say no to them and landed himself there.
âLose your handkerchiefâ youâre out. Get separatedâ youâre out. Doesnât matter if you fall or trip as long as youâre all intact.â
Oh shit, itâs starting. You position yourself firmly behind Chaewon, arms wrapped around her waist and you decide to clutch on her shirt for extra measure.
âLast team standing gets the most points. Three, two, oneâ go!â
It gets messy right off the bat and you already hear one of the teams getting eliminated. Youâre panting, trying your best to evade the colors trying to fucking snatch the orange little tail; you have tucked in behind you. The interim scores were announced earlier and your group of tangerines were in the top three. No wonder everyone else is out to get you.
âGreen, out!â
They fell over while trying to chase you and broke apart. Serves them right.
âWhite, out!â
Two more teams follow them after and everyone slows down for a moment. Your team is in a spiral defensive position with you at the center as everyone tries to catch their breaths. âAre you good?â Seungkwan asks. You feel like passing out but give him a thumbs up. There are only five teams left on the field. âLetâs go!â And just like that, youâre running again.
âPurple, out! Blue, out!â
Seungkwan manages to snatch another teamâs handkerchief. It becomes a lot more tense with only three colors left on the fieldâ red, orange, and yellow. Youâre out of breath, panting at the tail end of your line as the three teams take another moment to rest. How many minutes has it been? With the burn your lungs are feeling, it feels like itâs been hours.
âShit, shit, theyâre making a move! Run!â
You almost trip over the ground, legs flailing under you as the team in yellow suddenly decides to chase you. âDonât let go!â someone screams. Youâre sure Chaewonâs shirt has been stretched out beyond use. When it feels like youâve managed to put some distance between you and the yellows, your team slows down a bit. âHang in there,â you hear Chaewon from in front of you. âHoly shit, I think Iâm going to die.â
âIâve never run this much my entireâ huh?â
It takes a moment to hit you. At first, you thought your legs had simply melted away because you suddenly canât feel the grassy ground youâve been relentlessly racing on. But your legs are still there, hanging mid-air. You look down to see a pair of red sleeves wrapped around your waist. Someone just snatched you from your team. Choi-fucking-Soobin.
âPut me down!â You try to squirm out of his grasp, but this guy is stronger than he looks. Your heart is racing faster than when you were running. Itâs short circuiting your brain.
âI will! Stop thrashing, I might dropââ
He doesnât get to finish his sentence because someone smashes into the both of you, hurling your bodies into the ground. âOrange, red, out!â you hear amidst the yelling and pacing of hurried feet, while youâre still on the ground, barely catching your breath on top of Choi Soobin.
âYou couldâve gone after the other team,â you say in between labored breaths. His arms are still firmly locked around your waist. You can feel his chest rising and falling from underneath you. You donât have the strength to get up yet.
âI was,â he justifies, also breathless. âIâm not sure what happened either. Before I knew it I was running after you.â
Oh no. This isnât good. With a grunt, you roll yourself off of him and fall into the patch of grass next to him. âChaewon, help me up,â you stretch your arms out, and the girl comes running to save you.
âGood job. We still got some points for being in the last three.â Chaewon pulls you up and you barely have any strength in your legs anymore. Soobin is also skewed away by his teammates, celebrating their second place victory behind the yellow team.
Somehow, your team managed to land second overall, and youâre standing next to Huening for the photo opportunity after the organizing committee hands you your certificates.
Earlier, this morning, you expected the day to go by uneventfully, itching to go home upon entering the venue with no significant gains on your end, only losses. Instead, you leave campus with a giddy smile on your face as your group parts ways with a certain orange clad teammate telling you to get home safe. Itâs unlikely that any of you will be thrown together again, coming from different majors and departments and all, so you settle with keeping it as a fleeting late August memory as autumn crawls in.
âI have a new crush.â
Taehyun and Jay donât look very impressed nor surprised by your revelation. Maybe spilling the beans while youâre waiting for Prof Seo at the faculty office for a paper consultation isnât the best idea, but you couldnât help it anymore. No, you and Huening havenât talked since the event, but he did follow you on Instagram the evening of and everytime you see his stories, you go a little insane.
Before entering the office, you saw his story from last night. He had a puppy with him. They looked identical, especially with his hair all fluffy. How can you not crush on him?
âWhoâs it this time?â Jay asks, feigning interest.
âI met him at the LDT. Heâsâ oh, fuck. Thatâs him.â
Cue Huening entering the office with two other people. You donât know why heâs in your department when heâs a med student, but itâs none of your concern because the world managed to give you a one in a million opportunity to look at him. Heâs talking to Professor Ahn, and you notice that there are a few other students in the office mirroring your expression. Maybe youâre just fated to fall for unattainable menâ at least this time, youâre sure your infatuation wonât last long.
âNo way,â Taehyun breathes out from beside you. âHuening Kai? I know him. We were classmates in highschool.â
That...isnât something you expected. The smile on your face twitches. Jay voices out the question you want to ask. âDo you still keep in touch?â
âSometimes,â he replies. âOur moms are friends.â
âOh boy.â Jay lets out a laugh, aggressively nudging your arm. âHow are you planning on getting your heart broken this time?â
âShut up, hater,â you shake him off. âI donât plan on acting on my feelings this time, so you donât have to worry about me getting wasted at your condo and sobbing my throat out again.â
Huening is just a happy crush. A very happy crush and you know for a fact that it wonât go beyond that. Youâll cherish the butterflies he gives whenever he posts something new on social media or if you happen to stumble upon him on campus, up until you donât see him for a week straight then youâll most likely forget about him, just like how heâs forgotten about you already.
âYou seem very happy today.â
After your consultation, you head straight to the Shutter office for a meeting. Mingyu has his arms crossed while peering down at you with a grin. âWant me to ruin that?â
Your Chairperson is a pain in the ass but heâs still your Chair, so you canât sock him in the face with all the rest of your officers watching. After the LDT, youâre given another problem in the form of the upcoming university festival. Mingyu is presenting the ideas you came up with earlier in the month after polishing it with Myungho. The plan is still the sameâ photobooth and selling some prints, with the addition of a face painting corner as suggested by your Vice Chairperson. It doesnât align with your orgâs specialty, but youâre sure itâs gonna get a lot of people falling in line, especially when Beomgyu will be one of the people painting.
âWeâll also be needing a tarp for the photobooth background. Oh and a pubmat announcing that Shutter will have a booth.â Mingyuâs eyes fall on you and Soobin, who just happen to be sitting next to each other on the floor next to the bed. âIâll leave it to you two.â
As if you have a choice. You and Soobin share a look. His mouth twitches into a half smile, almost a sneer, and he shakes his head like the overworked puppy he is. The meeting wraps up and you pry yourself off the floor with a groan before Yura calls your name. âLetâs go have dinner!â
âOh, Iâm staying here for a little longer,â you inform her. âI need to plan some designs with Choi Soobin.â
Itâs awkward. Understandably so. Youâre standing in between them as Yura tries to control her expression, and you start to feel bad. Soobin decides to look away, which is a great choice for him. âAlâ alright, tell me if you needââ
âIâll bring you two some takeout,â Mingyu whisks her away as he passes by. Most of the officers have already left the room, only a handful remaining, including Chan, who suddenly shoots in.
âI can stay behind if you two need more helââ
âNo! These two can handle it.â
Mingyu is already pushing them out the door. He shoots you a suggestive eyebrow wiggle when half of his body is already out the room. You want to slam the door in his face.
âCall us if thereâs an emergency. Bye!â
With the creak of the door, you and Soobin are left in the office. Unlike the last time the both of you were left alone here, itâs bright. All the lights are on, their fluorescence illuminating all corners of the room, fending away the night thatâs leaking into the sole glass window high up the wall behind you. Soobin calls out your name in full, like he always does. âShould we pick a palette first?â he asks, already tinkering with Photoshop on the computer.
You hum in reply, taking the spot next to him. Itâs quiet while youâre working, save for the occasional questions and answers, âdoes this look better or this?â or if you should add more or less. Â Soobin is working on the pubmat while youâre brainstorming some options for the tarp. The festival is in the third week of Septemberâ autumn in full swing, so you settled for some warm tones of oranges, reds, and browns.
âBreak time, please,â you groan, already feeling the strain on your back after hunching in front of the computer for thirty minutes. Soobin gets up and crouches in front of the bed, pulling out a basket where you store your shared snacks.
âHow are you?â he asks out of nowhere, throwing you a bag of pretzels.
âWell, that came out of nowhere,â you laugh, accepting his offer. Soobin sits back down next to you, his chair swinging left and right.
âMingyu hying isnât the only one that noticed that youâve been in a better mood,â he says. âIâm glad you seem to be over Yeonjun hyung now.â
âYou know, you always seem to be involved in my failed romantic ventures somehow.â Soobin is taken aback at your accusation, an unsure laugh escaping his throat. He doesnât deny it because itâs trueâ heâs friends with both Beomgyu and Yeonjun. You wonât be surprised if he turns out to be friends with Huening Kai as well. âI have a new crush now, so you donât have to worry.â
In all fairness, you donât need to tell him that. But you did anyway. If there is a chance that Choi Soobin was really the one who confessed to you months ago, if Yoon Jeonghan wasnât just messing you and he does, in fact, have a crush on you, then itâs better to nip the bud early. Things are going to get complicated, especially since Yura still likes him based on what happened earlier. Youâre just saving yourselves the headache.
âShould I tell you?â
You canât dissect his expression. He doesnât look affected, nor does he look pleasedâ like heâs practiced it before. âItâs best if you donât,â Soobin says. âLike you said, itâs like Iâm always involved somehow. What if Iâve been the one jinxing you all this time?â
âHey, donât say that,â you frown. âIt just so happened that they arenât the ones for me.â
He only laughs, leaning further back into the chair which causes it to swivel more. âDo you think itâs gonna work out this time?
You snort. âNo. Heâs also out of my reach. And weâve met like once and he doesnât even remember me.â
Soobin lets your words simmer in the air for a while. Unlike earlier, thereâs a weight in his eyes, staring right into yours. âYou shouldnât put yourself down like that,â he starts. âYouâre pretty, smart, hardworking, and responsible. I think anyone would fall for you once they get to know you.â
The air shifts. You hear the deep, rhythmic thumping in your eardrums again, like your body is sending you a messageâ to run away? To hide someplace where he canât hear the violent drumming of your ribcage? Itâs not like youâre stupid and donât know what this means, but itâs a lot less complicated and dangerous if you choose ignorance over acknowledgement. A knock on the door saves you. You can breathe again when you see Myungho peering in.
âTakeout delivery,â he blandly announces his arrival. He has two plastic bags in his hand, waiting for the both of you to take the weight off him. âThe guards are starting to lock the rooms. You two should hurry and finish up. Iâll drive you guys home. You can eat in the car, if you want.â
Itâs like a new life gets breathed into you when you stumble over your feet and quickly grab your food from Myungho with a squeaky thank you. Youâre even more thankful when you get dropped off first, unable to swallow any of the food your orgmates bought for you in the suffocating atmosphere inside the car. âThanks. Drive safe,â you say before slamming the door shut and running into your apartment building.
Youâre not stupid. Youâre making the smarter choice, you repeat to yourself as you climb up the stairs to your unit. Everything will fade in a few monthâs time. You just need to endure it.
âI was about to cry from exhaustion but when I heard Hueningâs voice, I felt like I could live again.â
Taehyunâs eyes are nothing but judgemental. âDoes he even remember you?â he hits a sore spot. You tell him to shut the fuck up.
Itâs the day of the festival. The university groundâs are littered with crisp auburn rain from the trees lining the courtyard, warm lights hanging from the lamp posts in between the pop-up booths from different organizations and clubs. Evening is crawling in, but for now the sky is a pretty shade of orange. Youâve been working since it was blue, setting up your booth situated near the stage of the venue. Youâre thanking whoever assigned Shutter to this spotâ you can see Huening onstage clearly from where you are standing. Heâs one of the emcees for the event and is currently introducing your uniâs president for his opening remarks.
âYour boss is calling you,â Taehyun brings you back to earth, pointing a thumb at Mingyu, whoâs setting up the camera for the photobooth.
You suck in a deep breath, ready for some more work. âWhat is it this time?â you ask. Mingyu spins around to face you. His face is smiling too much for your comfort.
âIâm releasing you from your duties,â he says, proud. âEnjoy the festival. I already asked someone else to cover the cash register.â
Your eyes widen. He laughs and tells you heâs not lying, pushing you into the crowd. Wow. So he can actually be considerate sometimes. âCome back before the event ends, though. We all need a picture together!â
Thanks to your Chairâs blessing, you can actually spend some time with your friends today. You hear Huening introduce the hired band through the speakers and music erupts as you rejoin Taehyun with the good news. âThe others are hogging the food at the business departmentâs booths,â he tells you. âIâm not really that hungry. Wanna play some games?â
So, you do. The next hour is spent with fortune telling and archery challenges, ball throwing and jewelry making. Jake picks you up at some point to jam in the middle of the crowd, jumping around with the makeshift rave party the band is providing. You notice a lot of your peers have drawings on their facesâ hearts and sunflowers, waves and pumpkins, patterns in different colors, and you remember your orgâs booth.
âHey!â you call out to Jake. âWe should get our faces painted!â
He nods vigorously, and you drag him over to your booth which has accumulated a rather large crowd around it. You poke your head through the rest of the people, trying to see if you can wiggle your friend and yourself in. Itâs busy. Like really busy. There are like three different lines mixing and matching together with Beomgyu, Myungho, and Riki bending their backs to paint some flowers or whatever on the people sitting in front of them. You sort of feel guilty that Mingyu gave you free time.
Beomgyu catches your face in the crowd after he finishes a customer, and he greets you with a curious smile. âFace paint?â he asks. You nod, and he pats on the now empty chair in front of him.
âYou go first, dummy.â You push Jake down the seat.
âWhy am I suddenly nervous?â
You roll your eyes at him with a laugh, but Beomgyu doesnât start vandalizing your friendâs face yet. âAre you also lining up?â he asks again, and you nod. âSoobin hyung!â
You didnât even know he was here until you look at the direction Beomgyu is yelling atâ a few steps away from the rest of the booths, unlit by the warm candied lights. There, you see Soobin with Yura. The former has his back facing you, so you can only see Yuraâs face, and your heart sinks a little. It doesnât look like sheâs at a festival. Her expression matches the dim surroundings they secluded themselves in.
Soobin turns around upon being called for the third time, managing a quick bow to Yura before running back to the booth.
âSorryâ what is it?â
âYou have a customer.â
Soobin is a little caught off guard when he sees. Youâre not sure how you should greet your friend that most likely rejected your other friend for the second time, so you settle with a smile and try your best not to make it obvious that itâs forced. âI didnât know you could face paint.â
He looks guilty. âI donât. They grabbed me at the last minute because we needed more people.â
âOh no,â you breathe out. âWhat are you going to do with my face?â
Your eyes flicker to the back of the booth once more and Yura is already gone. God, you feel like shit, but asking for someone else to work on your face or suddenly backing out will put Soobin in an embarrassing situation as well. So you sit down, trying darndest to feign ignorance and act normal. âIâd ask you what design you want, but Myungho hyung only taught me one thing,â he says nervously, preparing the paint palette on one hand and a paintbrush on the other. âIâll pay for you if it turns out bad.â
âRelax,â you tell him and yourself. âYou can do whatever you want.â
It takes him a few tries before he actually gets near your face, and you can see how his knuckles are shaking a little when he lifts up the white-coated brush to your cheekbone, just underneath your left eye. Heâs so close. Heâs so close. The paint is cold when it hits your skin, like a melting snowflake, and you squeeze your eyes shut. âHoldâ hold still,â he tells you to stop moving, but you hold your breath instead when you hear him settle down the palette and use his other hand to turn your head a little, and you stop breathing altogether.
Shit. âI didnât think itâd get this busy here.â Itâs your pathetic attempt to distract yourself from the inferno erupting in your lungs. âYou guys need help?â
âNo, itâs fine.â Shit, you can feel his breath hit your cheeks, warm amidst the cool weather. âYouâve been working since earlier.â
He pulls back, nervousness gone and a more focused expression coating his face as he examines his work. Under his stare, you feel self conscious, and the heat swirling in your ribcage crawls its way to your neck like an invisible scarf, and your throat dries up. âHmm, what color do you want?â he asks, pursing his lips at the limited palette.
âYouâ you can pick.â Your knuckles squeeze at your voice crack. God, this is actually too much.
âOkay,â he says. âCan you tilt your head a little?â
Soobin inches closer again. Itâs hard not to look at him when heâs this close. Heâs making it hard not to. You flinch when the cold brush kisses your cheekbones, sharply inhale when his warm fingers graze your jaw, until he retracts all the cold and warmth again for an interim check of whatever heâs painting on your skin.
âOh? Oh, whatâs this? Mingyu, your kids are flirting in public, I donât think they should be allowed to do this.â
Jeonghanâs voice is like a sudden splash of hot water. âSeonbae, if Choi Soobin ends up painting a turd on my face because youâre being annoying, Iâm going to bury you.â
Your senior only laughs at your misery, and you donât think you can handle another second of this activity. âIs it done?â you ask Soobin, ready to bolt out of your chair.
âIâI think so.â He hands you a mirror. âPlease go easy on your evaluation.â
His dumb comment makes you feel a little more at ease, laughing a little when you bring the mirror to your face. You were honestly expecting chicken scratchâ a splotchy mess on your face of what he intended it to beâ but youâre surprised and impressed to see a monarch butterfly making a home underneath your eye, dots of orange littered around it.
âWow. Itâs pretty. Myungho taught you well.â You pull down the mirror and look up at him, satisfied. âThanks. Where do I pay?â
âItâs on the house.â
âAre you sabotaging our business?â you eye him. His smile is guilty, but youâre smiling at him too. âIâll go throw money at Mingyu. You still have more customers, Choi Soobin. Your butterflies must be in demand!â
You make an escape rather than a farewell, fishing Jake along after you throw an unsure amount of money on the counter Mingyu is watching. You know your friend has something to say. He looks at you with suspicious eyes and an insinuating grin once youâve gotten far enough from the Shutter booth. âYou look like youâre getting weird ideas,â you get ahead before he can say anything. âWhatever it is, donât say it. I want to enjoy the festival, thank you very much.â
âIt looked like you were enjoying, though,â he swings an arm around your shoulder, hauling you over to the first stall that catches your attention. âLike you were enjoying it a lot.â
You trust Jake not to run his mouth to the rest of your friends, but you bribe him with chicken skewers just to be safe. When you two rejoin your group, the festival is already coming to a close. You were hoping to find Yura, but she hasnât replied to any of her messages.
Things are already complicated as is. You donât want to complicate things further.
âWhat should we do when exams are over?â
Itâs midterms weekâ the third week of October. You raise your arms in the air, locking your fingers together for a quick stretch as you walk with your friends from the Social Science building, fallen leaves crunching under your feet. Youâve just finished an exam for a major course, leaving you with a few minor and elective exams.
âJay, itâs literally Tuesday,â says Yunjin. âItâs not even the middle of the week.â
âWhat about for winter break?â Sunghoon thinks out loud. âIs the Christmas party still happening?â
âWeâll talk with the rest of our batchmates after midterms,â Taehyun answers while flipping through his notebook. Itâs a wonder to you how he hasnât tripped yet. âCanât you two focus on your exams first?â
Youâre in front of the College of Medicineâs building. Jake says he needs to pick something up from his friend. âWait for me! Iâll be quick. If you guys eat lunch with me Iâll throw a fit, seriously,â he warns. You shoo him away and your group loiters in front of the building.
Itâs a little cold. You cross your arms together and ask Sunghoon if you can borrow his scarf. He sticks his tongue out, wrapping the fabric tighter around him. âYouâre a piece of shit.â
âHey, Iâm cold too.â
Then you feel a thick jacket hit the side of your face then fall to your shoulder. You look at Taehyun, jacketless now. âAre you making a move on me?â you narrow your eyes at him, eliciting a gasp from Kazuha.
âHoly shit.â
âAre you stupid?â he flicks your forehead. âIf you get sick, you canât study. If you canât study, youâll fail your exams. If you fail, youâll repeat a year. Want us to graduate before you?â
âHeâs allergic to saying nice things,â Jay shrugs. âBy the way, you look a lot less like shit lately. Did your org stop overworking you?â
You decide to ignore his insult. âWeâre taking a quick break from events. All we have going on at the moment is in IGP to fund our year-end party and Sensitivity Training. Mingyu is also planning on holding some workshops by next year.â He also wants to make a short film, but Shutter is broke. You guys accumulated some money last festival, but itâs not enough to finance all the things he has planned.
At first, you didnât think Mingyu took Shutter seriously since the past months, all youâve been doing was partying, hanging out, drinking, and whatever. Youâve come to realize that that wasnât the case. âWe should all get to know each other before working on something bigger, you know?â he said, one time while you were sorting files in the club office. Itâs only Shutterâs first year and he wanted to focus on developing a connection among the members first. You saw his plans for next year while you were organizing the filesâ heâs got everything down pat. You werenât sure before if you still wanted to stay in Shutter in your sophomore year, but seeing your Chairpersonâs passion cemented your decision to stay. Though you joined because of Beomgyu at first, itâs different now. Youâd like to help Mingyu as much as you can before he graduates.
Jake is taking way too long, so Yunjin and Kazuha went off to buy some drinks for you guys. Your legs are getting tired, so you squat down with a groan. âYou guys should join Shutter next year,â you tell them, looking up.
It becomes a topic of conversation. Jay and Sunghoon are considering it, but Taehyun is adamant on not joining, causing you to egg him on. While youâre doing your best to sales talk him into joining your org, you get distracted by a cat joining in your little group. âHello!â you greet the orange tabby, and Sunghoon joins you on the floor. There are a lot of cats that roam around your campus. This guy usually wanders around with a friend.
âOh no, whatâs wrong?â
Your ears perk up. The voice doesnât belong to any of your friends, and itâs followed by a meow thatâs not from the orange cat Sunghoon is petting. You stand upright and spot Huening sitting on the staircase in front of the Medicine building, holding up a gray cat like a baby. âAre you hungry?â The cat meows in his face. âYour tummy tells me youâve just had a nice meal, though.â
The cat jumps out of his grasp and struts over to your group. âOh no. Heâs too cute,â you grumble.
Taehyun eyes you. âShould I introduce you to him?â
âNo!â you snap. âI already told youâ this is just a happy crush. A happy crush. Nothing more. I just want to admire him from afar.â
âLike a stalker,â Jay butts in. You kick his shin.
âSuit yourself,â Taehyung shrugs. âHey, Huening!â
Your eyes fly open, wide in panic. What the fuck are you trying to do?! You furrow your brows at him. He doesnât respond, instead waving at Huening who is happily hopping down the stairs and running up to you. Jay is enjoying your turmoil. Sunghoon looks up from his cats to snort your evident distress.
âDo you still have exams today?â Taehyun asks him.
Huening nods. âYup. Organic chem. We already had so many lab projects this semester, but Dr. Jung still wants to give an exam.â
He gets introduced to Jay and Sunghoon, and when your turn comes along, your two friends look extra punchable. âAnd I think you two have already met,â Taehyun says. Your eyes are telling him that heâs going to get a beating later. His face replies with âgood luck with that.
âOh!â Huening exclaims after a moment of thinking. He beams at you, dropping a fist on his open palm. âTeam orange!â
Youâd be lying if that didnât make your heart skip a beat a little. If he didnât remember, you mightâve actually cried from embarrassment. You see Jay and Sunghoon from the corner of your eye trying to suppress their giggles, but their unabashed eyebrow raises and whispers are enough to piss you off. Lucky for you, Huening needs to run back inside the building for his chem exam, so youâre spared from any awkward small talk and the scrutinizing stares of your friends. Huening leaves with an apology, and Jake finally returns, asking what happened and why are you on the ground with your hands buried in your face.
Midterms finish quicklyâ the easiest set of tests youâve had so far which makes you a little scared for finals. The post-midterms celebration Jay was looking forward to ended up being nothing more than a meal at his place, no alcohol involved, because his parents came to visit.
You met up with Yura on campus when your schedules matched, and she told you that she did get rejected for a second time during the festival. Your conversation got cut short when Mingyu spots the both of you and invites you to a night out this weekend with some Shutter members. Youâll see if you can go, you tell him. Itâs probably best if you avoid Soobin for now until Yura starts feeling better.
âWeâve booked two cottages already, but we couldnât get an overnight room. If I knew the resort was this popular, I wouldâve contacted them weeks earlier.â
Yunjin is in charge of the venue for your batchâs Christmas partyâ which is just an excuse to swim and go drinking in broad daylight, honestly. Itâs a well deserved celebration after surviving a year of readings, essays, and depression-inducing recitations, so most of the people in your year are going. Your department doesnât exactly prioritize camaraderie, so you freshmen had to organize your own get together since your seniors have basically left you to fend for yourselves.
âGood job,â you squick your cheek against Yunjinâs shoulder, peeking at her laptop to see the venue. Itâs two months away, but youâre already excited. Shutter is planning something for the end of the year, too. You hope your liver can handle all of these upcoming parties.
âTwelve-twenty-seven. Life check.â
âAlive,â Yunjin groans. You can hear her back bones pop when she stretches over the couch.
âZuha?â you ask, looking up from your laptop. You see her face planted on the coffee table across from you. âKazuha.â She springs up, a sticky note sticking on her cheek.
âIâm awake.â
âGood morning,â you laugh. âLetâs clock out at one. Sunghoon says heâll be here in the morning.â
âTell him to bring breakfast,â Yunjin says. Youâve been at their place since after lunch, working on a paper for your theory class. Your professor thinks the weekend is enough to write thirty pages of research and prepare a presentation, so you decided to spend the weekend at your girlfriends' place so you donât get distracted.
The night out with Shutter is also todayâ or, yesterday since itâs already thirty minutes past twelve. Mingyu has been sending photos to the group chat to make you feel jealous. Too bad youâre not here, says his last message with a sad face, but theyâre all looking extremely happy and off their senses in the photo. Mingyuâs face is closest to the screen, Yura is there, barely awake on Myunghoâs shoulder, and at the edge of the photo you can see Soobin, Beomgyu, and Heeseung.
You place your phone face down on the table and return to furiously typing on your keyboard. Theyâre having fun. Good for them, good for them, good for them. Youâre also having fun. Writing a paper is fun. Very fun indeed.
A little while goes by, and the clock strikes one. Youâre about to pass out on the spot until your phone vibrates again, expecting another message from Mingyu to fuel your envy even further, but instead of a photo, you receive a text. A text from Choi Soobin. Youâre staring at your phone screen, frozen after reading the bubble on your lockscreen.
âWhy do you look so flustered? What happened?â
I have a crush on you, it saysâ without explanation, without context. Youâre still blinking at the one-line sentence, as if staring at it long enough will make the letters make sense in a way that you can wrap your head around them, but then another bubble replaces it.
Sorry, Heeseung took my phone. Followed by, Good luck on your paper! and your thoughts spiral further.
This is bad. This is really, really, really bad. How do you even reply to this? What were they doing that Choi Soobinâs phone managed to fall in Heeseungâs hands and why would he think of sending you that god damned message? Were they talking about you? When Yuraâs literally right there with them?
Youâre going to go insane. Your bodyâs reaction isnât making it any better. Itâs one in the morning and youâre supposed to be fatigued and tired but your face is burning and your heart is racing and your phone is slipping from the sweat on your hands. âAre you okay?â asks Kazuha. You quickly settle your phone back onto the table.
âIâm fine,â you say. âIâm tired. Wake me up at three.â
But three oâclock comes, and youâre still lying awake on your friendâs living room floor, staring at their ceiling with Soobinâs message still unreplied. When the sun rises, and youâve finally had some time to think, you click on your conversation with him and sendâ haha, alright, and you immediately get back to work.
The thing is, you arenât opposed to the possibility of Soobin actually having feelings for you. But your friend still likes him, and youâre all working in the same organization. You donât want things to get weird, especially when Shutter actually matters to you.
So in the weeks leading up to your finals, youâre thankful to have enough academic burdens on your plate to decline every single hangout, night out, or coffee run from Mingyu so that whatever hinted emotions your co-director is harboring for might be diminished, even if itâs just a little.
But of course, you canât avoid him completely. You only message him for work, pubmats, layouts, editing, and all, but sometimes, the conversation wandersâ have you eatenâs, good luckâs, and full names exchanged in between font choices and composition decisions. Itâs easier said than done to shut Choi Soobin out of your life. Heâs made himself part of your weekly routine without realizing it, even if itâs just text messages and clubroom meetings.
Your last semester of your freshman year ends when you walk out of your last final, and the bite of December finally sinks into your skin in icy breaths. Itâs the coldest itâs been the whole month, and youâre sure itâs only going to get colder from now.
YOUR CHRISTMAS PARTY STARTS IN SHAMBLES. First of all, your period arrived in the morning, so swimming is out of the question unless you want to recreate a Jaws movie in Samcheok. Second, it takes three hours to arrive at Daryeong Beach resort, so instead of having an early brunch at the venue, it was already past lunch when everyone arrived. Third, you feel like shit. Everyone else is either eating, drinking, or swimming despite the cold weather, but youâre wrapped in a towel in the corner of your cottage because your uterus is throwing a fit and it makes you want to die.
âAre you okay?â you look up from your pathetic position to see Jay, damp from the sea. âYikes. Iâm taking that as a no.â You havenât said anything. He just looked at your face and left to get some barbecue.
âBabe, you should still eat,â you hear Yunjin say. She has a paper plate in her hands and a paper cup in the other.
âIâm fine. Iâm not that hungry yet,â you tell her. âIâll grab a bite later. Go have fun with the rest of the guys.â
Though itâs the beginning of winter, the cold hasnât settled. Only a light chill in the air indicates the seasonâs coming, and the white sand scaling the seashore substitutes the first snowfall. Now that youâre free from any academic troubles, thereâs more room in your headscape for thinkingâ which isnât always a good thing. Your eyes scan the scenery, the beach within your vision filled by the students from your major. Some are with you under the cottage, some are on the sand, some in the water. What better way to keep your mind off someone than by thinking about other people?
Your major has always been male dominated which almost makes you nauseous. You first set sight on the four men playing beach volleyballâ Jiseok, Jooyeon, Seungmin, and Hyeongjun. You donât think youâve ever talked to them except when you were paired with Seungmin for a presentation.
Next, you glance under the coconut tree nearest to your cottage. A few girls are gathered, then you realize youâve never really interacted with anyone outside of your circle and your friends from Shutter. Maybe if you hadnât kept your world so narrow, then maybe youâd be able to meet someone to distract you.
This is hopeless. You give up with a low groan, thinking that maybe eating could take your mind off of things. Youâre about to stand up, but are preemptively sat back down with someoneâs appearance.
Taehyun is in front of you, half-leaning down and half-about to jerk back up when your foreheads nearly collide.
âOh.â
Youâve known from the first day of classes that Taehyun is pretty, but youâve never gotten the chance to look at him up closeâ this close. Why would you? You two are friends. Thatâs a stupid enough thought to bring you back to your senses, a squeak escaping your throat and you draw back. âSorry,â he says. âMind lifting your arm for a sec?â
âSâsure,â you sputter, scooting away to give him space. Taehyun pulls out his back from the pile and draws out a towel which he lazily rubs on his hair. He mustâve been in the waterâ that much is obvious with how his clothes are sticking to his skin and how heâs trying his best to dry his hair without spritzing any water on you.
âYou donât look too good,â he frowns. âHave you eaten yet?â
Oh god. âNo, but Iâm about to.â
âStay there.â He lets the towel drape over his shoulders and heads over to the table. Taehyun half-fills the paper plate with the food you like before settling it on the surface to crack open the cooler. âCoke or Sprite?â he asks
You remember the time when Mingyu asked if there was anyone from your major that you could be interested in. You also remember the look of disgust you gave him upon considering your friends. Maybe you shouldnât have been so appalled. Maybe you shouldâve been a little bit more open to the ideaâ then maybe it wouldnât be biting you in the ass at this very moment.
âSprite,â you reply.
âAlright.â
Taehyun has always been caring. His mouth might tell otherwise, but his actions towards you and your friends have always been consistent. So when he returns in front of you with a plate of the food youâd usually eat, making a conscious decision to not put too much because he knows youâre not feeling well, your sensibilities shouldnât falter. It really shouldnât, but you find yourself swaying. Oh no.
You hear the click of his tongue. You havenât taken the plate from him, so heâs set it back on the table and is now looking at you with his arms crossed, head tilted. âThis wonât do,â he sighs. âWe passed by a drug store earlier. What medicine do you take for your period cramps?â
Taehyun is already putting on a jacket and you panic, jumping out of your seat. âNo, itâs okay! Iâll eat! I can eat!â
âAre you sure?â Heâs unconvinced. You take the plate from the table and sit down with a huff, grabbing one of the skewers while you look at him dead in the eye. âFine. Tell me if it gets bad. Iâll be with Yunjin and the rest.â
Your friend that your other friend is still hung up on versus your friend thatâs completely emotionally unavailableâ which one would be less disastrous? Which one would hurt less? Both seem awfully catastrophic, but your heart is stupid and doesnât listen to your head when it gives a warning to stop falling. Stop. Thatâs enough, yet you find yourself in the same situation over and over again like youâre addicted to nonreciprocity or something.
Maybe itâs just period hormones, you try and rationalize. You finish the meal, albeit with difficulty, and lug yourself to the beach. Your legs are folded up to your chest, cheek pressed on your knees, and youâre scribbling random shapes into the sand to track every passing thought youâre going back and forth with inside your head.
âYou look pathetic.â
When you turn around and look up, you see Jake looming over you like a rain cloud. Your expression sours. He quickly retracts himself. âWait, Iâm not saying it in an insulting way, but in a descriptive way, you know?â
âJust shut up.â
âYes, maâam.â He plops down beside you, probably out of pity because in his wordsâ you look pathetic. You have no energy to argue, wanting to bury yourself underneath the sand youâre sitting on more than anything else, and you spare an envious glance at the beer can he has in hand. Jake notices. âNo room for a drink?â
You shake your head. âUnfortunately, no. I think Iâll be leaving early today.â
âOh, me too,â he says. âCanât stay overnight since I have to babysit my nieces tomorrow morning. Sunghoon has been complaining about the weather too. You can just come with us.â
âThanks. Seriously, I feel like dying,â you groan. âUgh. I wanted to go swimming today, too.â
âNext time,â he gives you a smile and gets up. âIâm heading back. Just wanted to check on you.â He gives you a head pat before running back to the cottage, and youâre left alone once more. Youâve come to the realization that the temporary solution to your wavering feelings is talking to your friends (except Taehyun), so you suck up the occasional pain from your lower abdomen and approach the nearest person you can find, which is Yunjin, obliterating the karaoke machine your group rented.
You alternate between listening to them sing, screaming into the microphone, and wallowing in your own suffering until late afternoon when you resigned into your cottage corner once more, waiting for Jake or Sunghoon to show up so you can leave. Youâre chatting with the Shutter group chat when Taehyun shows up in fresh clothes, hair damp, and asks you to scoot away a bit.
Heâs already organizing his things. He arrived with Jake and Sunghoon earlier, so heâs probably leaving with them too. Â âLeaving already?â you ask to confirm.
âOh, yeah,â he answers, slinging his bag over his shoulder. âYouâre not feeling well, so you should just come with me. You donât know how to commute by yourself, anyway.â
You scoff at his remark, unable to refute. âI am. Hold on, let me find my stuff.â
The thought of sinking into your warm sheets with some hot chocolate manages to bring a little more color to your face as you rummage for your things. You tell Yunjin and Kazuha that youâre leaving ahead with the guys, and they stop their passionate karaoke-ing to send you off with a hug. âTake care. Text us when you guys get home.â
Itâs a silent walk to the resortâs exit, and thereâs still no sign of Jake whoâs supposed to be driving you. âWhere are the rest of the guys?â you ask him, entering the parking area outside the entrance.
âHm?â
âJake and Sunghoon,â you clarify hesitantly. Worry and nervousness starts to seep in. Youâre starting to believe that you might have misunderstood something.
âI think they were kayaking when we left,â Taehyun replies. âWhy?â
âI thought we were all leaving together?â you furrow your brows.
âNo? I think theyâll leave after sundown.â
You screwed up big time. Youâre chewing on your bottom lip, the situation slowly sinking in as you and Taehyun leave the resortâs premises and start walking down the side of the road to the bus stop. Oh no. You came here in Yunjinâs car and Taehyun doesnât drive. That means you and Taehyun are going to be spending the three-hour commute back home together. Alone. Just when you started to suspect the traitorous feelings you have bubbling for your friend.
âGive me your bag. You look like youâd pass out any minute.â
Youâre seriously so fucking screwed.
âThanks.â
Itâs okay, you tell yourself upon climbing up the bus, taking a seat near the back next to the window. Maybe itâs just a momentary weakness of your heart. Maybe itâs just a temporary vulnerability with all the things going on. Maybe youâve just become pathetically desperate like Jake says (he did not). Taehyun leans over and you silently panic. He reaches over to the window next to you, flipping it open, then goes back to his seat like he didnât just threaten to give you a cardiac arrest. âThe air conditioning might make you nauseous,â he says. Youâre nauseous enough as is.
The commute back home is quiet, but you arenât able to rest easily throughout the whole three-hours due to your consciousness toward the friend sitting next to you. At least you managed to arrive back in Seoul in one piece.
Itâs already dark out, street lights lit up in the city. Thinking that you can finally say goodbye to him, you tug your bag thatâs firmly hung on his shoulder. âWhat are you doing?â he asks.
âWe take different buses from here,â you say. âThanks for carrying my stuff.â
Your bus makes a halt in front of you, and Taehyun goes up first. Wait. Holy shit. âIf anything happens to you, Yunjin will have my head,â he simply says. âCâmon.â
Maybe you just catch feelings too easily, you conclude. You hope you can get rid of them just as quickly as you caught them.
You spend the first week of winter break in bed, on the sofa, on any warm and comfortable surface available in your apartment. Itâs both out of need and out of choiceâ need, because an entire year of being around people is enough to run someone dry, and choice, because there is a good number of people youâve been wanting to avoid, now that you arenât forced by proximity and circumstance to be around them.
The same routine is happening for the last Sunday of the year. Youâre in bed as the afternoon sun provokes you to do otherwise, but you arenât listening. Your blankets and pillows bury you in their warmth while youâre scrolling through your phone. Until Taehyun gives you a call, out of nowhere.
âHello?â you answer after three rings.
âIâm having dinner with your crush later,â he says, not bothering to greet you. âWell. Weâre eating with his family. Iâll send you the restaurant. Why donât you stop by so you can see him for a bit.â
Heâs a little too supportive of your tiny, expired crush on Huening. âI told you guys, Iâm over him. Iâm looking for another crush,â that isnât the person youâre talking to right now. This whole situation would be funny if you arenât part of it. Too bad you are, and it makes you want to stab yourself.
âBut what if you fall for him again once you see him.â
Whatâs stupid is that you donât think heâs wrong. You were hardwired with a heart that gets swayed way too quickly, flutters a little too effortlessly, and gets smashed into tiny bits and pieces a little too easily, but itâs not something that you can just stop. The past year is proof of thatâ a testament of its inevitability.
âGo away. Iâm going to sleep,â you roll to your side with a groan, pulling up the covers over your head. âEnjoy your dinner. Please stop trying to set me up with your friend.â
You hoped your college romance would be a straight path from meeting someone, to falling in love, to being loved back. Not this messy labyrinth of dead ends, twisted intersections, and back to starts.
âWhoâs calling this time?!â If itâs Taehyun again, youâre going to uncrush and unfriend him, you swear.
With a groan, you grab your phone from the bedside table once more, and you nearly drop your phone when you see the caller ID. You didnât think youâd ever ask for this, but canât all these pretty boys please leave you alone this time?
âChoi Soobin,â you huff into the microphone.âThis better not be about work.â
Youâre nervous. Thereâs that familiar staggering of your heart rate again. âIâm guessing youâre enjoying your vacation,â you hear him say with a laugh. Something about hearing his deep voice so close to your ear is driving you insane.
âI am,â you reply, falling back to bed. âYou usually just text me. Youâve never called me before. This is suspicious.â
He hums. âI text you if itâs about work.â
âSo...this isnât about work?â
Soobin is quiet for a moment, and you can feel the silence embed itself into your skin. You feel a jolt when you hear his voice again. âAre you busy? I just remembered that you owe me dinner.â
Now, itâs you that grows quiet.
âSorry. If youâre too busy, you donât have toââ
âNo, Iâm free,â you quickly reply. âLetâs have dinner.â
This could be an opportunity. Maybe if you go out with Soobin today, you'll finally clear up how you actually feelâ for whom you are actually feeling. There is a possibility that youâll return home with a heart more confused than when you left, but your racing heart is already chasing you out of bed.
âCan we meet at COEX in an hour?â
âSounds good. See you.â
Shit, youâre actually doing this. You end up arriving ten minutes too early, but Soobin is already there, by the fountain, looking at his phone. âChoi Soobin!â you call out, and he looks up with a surprised look on his face, but melts into a smile half a second later. He shoots up his hand, waving, and calls out your full name in the same manner.
âYouâre here early.â
âSays the guy whoâs here earlier than me,â you raise a brow.
âI had some errands,â he says. âWhere should we eat?â
Itâs the end of the year, so the mall is more populated than usual. Mostly couples. Thereâs a pair in knitwear sitting on the fountain literally a few steps away from you. Itâs like god is giving you a sign, telling you to hurry the fuck up. âYou choose. Iâm the one treating you.â
The both of you start walking around, eyes scanning through the shops lined along the walkways. âI can eat anywhere. Iâm not picky.â
âChoi Soobin, you know Iâm bad with decisions,â you tell him. âYouâre the one who dragged me out of my apartment in the first place.â
âYouâre making it sound like I forced you to eat with me.â
You stop in your tracks. âWow,â you gasp. âYouâre putting words in my mouth, Choi Soobin. How dare you when I generously decided to open my wallet for you.â
His smile opens into a toothy grin. âWhatâs with the face?â
âNothing,â he hums, settling his hands on your shoulders and lightly pushing you into a direction. âLetâs eat here. Mingyu hyung recommended this place before.â
Itâs a Chinese restaurant with an interior that you might have seen on social media before (maybe Mingyuâs insta, to be honest). The both of you are sitting at one of the center tables, tubes of lights hanging from above as you peruse through their menu. When your orders arrive, you split apart your chopsticks, staring heartily at the served meal. âFor the record,â you say before digging in.âI do want to eat with you.â
âThanks for the information.â
âYou know, youâre kind of annoying sometimes.â
Soobin lets out a huff of air, smiling with stuffed cheeks and the both of you proceed with your meals. You can only hear the sound of your dishes and the occasional glass clatters. Itâs literally just dinner. âSo,â you mumble out. âWhy did you join Shutter?â
He elicits a snort-cough, and he brings a napkin to his lips. âWhat is this? An interview?â
âIt got quiet and I didnât know what to say!â you press. âJust answer.â
âYouâd know if you listened to my introduction at the welcome party,â he crows.âYou already liked Beomgyu at that time, right?â
The food stops in your throat, caught off guard because why would he bring that up? You cough, swallowing a large gulp of water and when you set the glass back on the table, you look at him straight in the eye. âFirst of allâ even if I was paying attention, I wouldnât even remember because that was months ago.â
âI remember yours,â he says, as a matter of fact. âYou said you wanted a space apart from your major, and that itâd make your university life a lot more exciting.â
Well. You canât verify that because you donât remember what you said at that time. You were too occupied staring at Beomgyu. âSeâsecond!â you bristle. âHow did you know that I already liked him then? I donât think Iâve ever told you.â
âYour eyes were following him the entire night. Itâs like thereâs a magnet in there somewhere.â
You stop eating altogether, utensils clattering on the plate. Wouldnât that mean his eyes were following you, too? He didnât even think twice before saying that, and now heâs back to picking on the remaining food on his plate like itâs nothing, and your phone buzzes like a warning signal.
âWhatâs wrong?â Soobin asks as you frown at your phone screen.
âMaybe we shouldnât have talked about Shutter,â you complain. âMingyu messaged the group chat. Heâs asking if anyone can run some errands for the event.â
At first, the plan was to have a year-end party and a sensitivity training (âsensiâ for short) for the officers, but with the majority of your members returning home to their hometowns for the holidays, you decided to merge the two events in the second week of January instead. Mingyu is eyeing Gapyeong for the party and sensi, and the itinerary has already been prepared by Myungho.
Soobin hums in acknowledgement. âWhat does he need?â
Itâs the 31st of December. Most shops will be closed tomorrow and the next day. There are still some materials that need to be bought, so your Chairperson is asking if thereâs anyone who can pick up some stuff from the list. âUgh,â you groan, finishing up your meal. âNo one else is replying and I already read his message. You donât mind if we stop by some stores, right?â
âNot at all,â he replied. âI borrowed my brotherâs car, so I can take the stuff home with me.â
The both of you leave the restaurant and enter a stationery store to pick up some vellum boards, parchment papers, envelopes, and the like. You need to go back to the office within the week for some last minute workâ so much for the new year, but aside from some light hearted complaints, you donât really mind. âCan you check if thereâs some sticker paper in the other aisle?â you ask Soobin. The both of you still need to finalize the certificate designs and the tarpaulin sign. Youâll remind him once he gets back.
After double checking your basket, you check out all the items and send Mingyu the receipt. âWhat else do we need?â asks Soobin. He takes the paper bags from the counter and you two exit the store.
âUh. We need some wooden panels. They probably have those in hardware stores, right?â
Lucky for you, they do. You and Soobin wait behind a wall of fake plants as the employee leaves to cut the panels into the size Mingyu instructed and as youâre waiting, you let your gaze wander around the store until you look up and pause when your eyes land on your tall friend. Youâve never noticed before, but Choi Soobin actually looks pretty intimidating with a straight face. Heâs staring off into space, brows in a slight knit, but when he looks down and notices that youâre looking at him, he lifts his eyebrows, curious, and a dimple peeks through when he presses his lips together. âWhat is it?â
You cough, looking away. âWe havenât talked about this yet. I remember you telling me you liked someone last summer.â
âMm, right. I did,â he says.
Hesitant, you drawl out. âDo you still like the same person now?â
âYeah.â He says it flatly, picking on the plastic leaf of a plant hanging above you. You cock your head. Heâs way too nonchalant about this that you start to second guess.
âIs that why you couldnât give Yura a chance?â
âIt would be unfair for her when I have feelings for someone else.â
âI know. And Yura isnât telling me to distance myself from you or anything. I know we havenât hung out lately outside of Shutter, but trust me itâs not because of that,â you assure. âDid you tell her who you like?â
He looks at you. âI did.â
âDo you plan on telling me?â you blurt out before hesitation smashes into you. You avoid eye contact, trying to justify yourself, âItâs not fair that youâre a witness to all of my romantic pitfalls in the first half of the year, but I donât even know the person you like.â
You know youâre blabbing. You know Soobin knows because heâs flashing you a cheeky smile. âDo you wanna know?â
âOf course. Iâm curious.â You hope he doesnât notice youâre trying to bait him. Half of you wants to hear your name fall from his lips, rolling off his tongue like itâs meant to be, and youâd be untangled from your confusing feelings, but the other half is scared because you wouldnât know how to react. Youâre still in the fucking hardware store, for godâs sake, waiting for the god damned wood panels to arrive.
âWhy?â
Suddenly, he dips down his head, noses closer than ever, and you gulp. âWhy do you wanna know?â No words leave your throat and you canât hear anything other than the deep, reverberating thumps from inside your chest. Soobin backs away before anything else, a smile still present on his lips. âYouâll find out. I havenât been doing my best to hide it, anyway.â
The employee returns with the panels. You pay for them and itâs late into the evening when you exit into the parking lot and load all the items you bought into his (brotherâs) carâs compartment. âIâll drop you off,â he says, closing down the trunk.
âThanks,â you reply, and he smiles, shooing you into the passengerâs seat.
It sinks in belatedly, when youâre already a few songs into his driving playlist, that you havenât given Soobin your address but heâs going in the right direction. He didnât even ask. Confirming your suspicions, he pulls up right in front of your apartment building, and the doors unlock with a click. âHowâd you know where I live?â you raise a brow.
âWhen Myungho hyung gave us a ride last time,â he answers. âHe dropped you off first. Did you think I was stalking you?â
âNo. I just wanted to tease you, but youâve been turning the tables on me all day,â you roll your eyes, unbuckling yourself from the seat. âYou used to be so nervous and quiet all the time. Choi Soobin, youâve grown.â
You thank him for the ride and push open the door, squirming to get off but Soobin suddenly grabs your wrist, and you jerk your head back, surprised. Itâs warm where his fingers are wrapped around, a firm grip that feels a lot more intimate than when he was all up in your space at the festival, than when you fell to the ground with his arms around your waist.
He appears to be just as surprised as you are, but the words quickly come pouring out. âIâm still nervous. It took me four tries to give your number a call earlier and I was so relieved when you actually picked up,â he confesses. âI was nervous during dinner, nervous all throughout the car ride, and Iâm still nervous now.â You can feel that his hand is slightly damp, circling around yours. âI just wanted to let you know before you go.â
When Soobin lets go, you can feel the cold air nipping at your skin from where heâs been holding. You made the right choice in going out today. Things are a lot clearer now.
The feelings you have for Choi Soobin arenât suddenâ an onslaught of petals from blossoming trees, heat waves from the corshing midday sun, orange fireworks on the cobblestone ground, or the gusts of wind from a December evening that hit you without warning. Itâs gradual, accumulated over the seasons in the form of spring showers that extend into the ber months, a summer cold you canât get rid of, the fall sweater you have nestled inside your closet until flowers start blooming, and the warmth that comforts when the rest of the world freezes into oblivion.
Theyâve been building upâ slowly but surely until the glass is tipped over, spilling into your veins, and you canât deny it anymore.
âThanks for today,â you give him a smile. âDrive safe. Text me when you get home.â
âWill do. Happy new year.â
âHappy new year.â
You wait until he disappears into the street before getting inside the building. Choi Soobin has been your spring, summer, autumn, and winter. It took the last day of the year for you to realize that.
Itâs the day before your trip with Shutter to Gapyeong. Youâve already finished all your assigned tasks, so youâre able to hang out with your friends at Jayâs place today. For the meantime, youâre all treating his condo as if itâs your own.
âLetâs watch a movie,â Jake suggests. Heâs laying flat on the sofa, his head next to yours while you sit on the carpet, destroying Sunghoonâs ass in a game of chess. When no one replies, everyone else busy doing their own things to even hear him, he gives up and falls to the floor next to you. âYouâre leaving tomorrow, right?â
âYup. Checkmate, Hoonie,â you reply, killing Sunghoonâs king and gloating your victory.
âYou all ready to go?â he asks. âI can help you pack if you havenât.â
âHow bored are you, Jake?â you laugh at him. âYunjin and Kazuha already promised to help me later, but I guess you can tag along.â He looks satisfied with the arrangement, and he wiggles off of the floor to dig through Jayâs kitchen.
Well. Youâre almost ready for the trip tomorrow. But besides packing, thereâs still one thing you need to settle within yourself before facing your friends and colleagues from Shutter again. âGuys,â you announce after cleaning up the chess set. âCan I tell you something?â
âIs it a new crush?â Kazuha asks, and you hear Taehyun snort. You can neither confirm nor deny her accusation. When did you become so predictable?
âLetâs say I like someone,â you start, and your friends start gathering in the living room, ready to listen to the new boy of the season. âAnd all signs are saying that he likes me too.â This elicits a gasp from Yunjin and a very obnoxious oooooh from Jake.
âDepends on the signs,â Jake snorts. âHave you been watching tarot readings on TikTok again?â
âFuck you. I stopped doing that when Yeonjun ghosted me,â you shoot him a glare, and he raises his hands up defensively. âBut anyway. Itâs already likeâ really, seriously, obvious that he likes me and all thatâs left is for him to say it himselfââ
âAsk him out already.â
âBut I have a friend who also likes him.â They grow quiet. âWhat should I do?â
Kazuha is the first person to speak up. âDoes she know the guy is into you instead?â
âWeâre assuming heâs into me. He rejected her saying he likes someone else,â you explain. âBut I donât think sheâs over him yet.â
âHere I thought your love life is finally turning around,â Yunjin groans.
âI canât fully entertain him without the underlying feeling of guilt because my friend was literally crying over him when they were out for drinks the other day!â you pause, then clarify your statement. âI wasnât there when it happened. Mingyu told me. It wouldâve been terrible if I was there.â
Taehyun sinks into the sofa handle, arms crossed in thought. âThis is a little complicated.â
âRight?â you sigh, deflating into the cushions. âMaybe I should just give up. Maybe romance isnât for me.â
âItâs literally not that complicated, you idiots.â Sunghoon speaks up for the first time, and you look at him. His expression is that of annoyance, mainly direction towards you, and he continues, âIf you think heâs worth risking your friendship, then go for it. But if a boy is enough to ruin your friendship, then your friendship is bullshit. Go talk to her first and Iâm sure sheâll understand. Maybe itâll even get her to move on.â
âHoly shit,â Jay gapes. âWhy are you making sense for once?â
Heâs right. Sunghoon is making sense. Yet thereâs still a lingering hesitation clawing at your throat and preventing you from agreeing. âBut what if Iâm just being delusional and he doesnât actually like mââ
âBe honest.â Taehyun cuts you off before you could spiral. âAre you hesitant because youâre afraid of hurting your friend, or are you afraid now that the real thing is waiting in front of you?â
Quiet washes the apartment as your friends allow you to simmer in Taehyunâs words. Throughout the past year, youâve always been the one pouring out love from all your senses, so much and so often that youâre afraid youâd run out, but you never do. It just keeps on pouring and pouringâ a momentary stopâ but it gushes out again like a perpetual fountain of red. Now that there are hints of the roles reversing, youâve froze. You know that youâre using Yura too much as an excuse to justify yourself.
Youâre always the one pouringâ never the one receiving, and now you have no idea what to do.
IT STARTED AS A LIGHT SHOWER, but in the middle of the bus ride to Gapyeong, the rain begins to pour, harder and harder to the point that you can hear it through the music in your earphones. You pull out the buds, looking at the window. âDamn, I guess we have to cancel the outdoor activities today,â you say, and Mingyu overhears from in front of you.
âLetâs hope it stops raining in the afternoon,â he sighs, worried. âWe canât have a barbecue party indoors.â
Youâre sitting beside Yura. The girl is already fast asleep, understandable since you all met at five in the morning to do some last minute organizing at the office. Itâs now ten in the morning, thirty minutes until you arrive at the place, and the rain is showing no signs of stopping. Mingyu senses the grayness in the air and picks up a megaphone, spits out a generic âletâs have some fun!â message, and proceeds to play some tunes.
It works, because through the rest of the ride to Gapyeong, youâre all screaming Taylor Swift lyrics loud enough to block off the hissing rain, so when the bus stops in front of the place you guys rented for two days and one night, youâre surprised itâs still pouring.
âWell, shit,â you say underneath your umbrella, Mingyu pathetically trying to shrink his frame to fit alongside you, and you reach an arm out from under its protection, feeling the cold droplets soaking your skin. âThis is gonna last a while.â
âWe should all have lunch first,â he says. âThis is gonna be fine. We have a lot prepared.â
You nod. âYou guys get inside first,â he says before running off into the second bus that arrived to give Myungho some instructions.
You peek into the bus, âThose with umbrellas, please share with those who donât. Itâs a short run to the accommodation. Please donât forget to bring your valuables with you.â You watch by the doors as your orgmates leave in twoâs and threeâs uphill, and you can feel yourself starting to get damp due to the unstable direction of the rainfall.
The last person comes out, and he ducks underneath your umbrella. Itâs Soobin. Your eyeâs meet, and heâs wearing a sheepish grin. Before you know it, heâs got his hand wrapped on yours, tightly clutching the umbrella handle and suddenly, puddles are splashing underneath your feet as you run into the same direction. A squeak escapes your throat when you hear the rain pour harder, and Soobin pulls you closer with his free hand as the rain threatens to soak you.
âAre you two shooting a youth drama?â
Youâre out of breath when you reach the porch of the large house, but you still manage to shoot Heeseung a dirty look for that comment. You glance at Soobin, who still has your umbrella. Heâs ruffling his hair and shaking his head like a wet puppy. âIâll go grab the boxes from the bus. Can I borrow this for a while?â You nod, and he smiles. âCome and help me,â he drags the unwilling Heeseung back into the pouring rain, and you turn back, nudging everyone to get inside the house once theyâve dried up.
âOh, look who we have here,â you turn to see Jeonghan, walking back out with two mops from the house. âYou look pretty happy for someone who just got rained on.â
Your eyes land on Yura, and guilt settles when you catch her expression before she goes back to smiling at Jeonghan and takes the other mop from him. You plan on having a conversation with her later, and you plan on settling everything today. âThe day will come where Iâll eventually kick your ass, seonbae. Please reflect on your sins until then.â You bid him off with a bland smile, and you settle inside the warm floors of the room.
Itâs two houses connected to each other, two floors each, large enough for twenty to thirty people in total. Mingyu says heâs unsure if there will be enough room upstairs for everyone to sleep in, but there are some that wonât be staying overnight, and youâre sure that the sleeping arrangements will be wherever everyone ends up passing out after getting alcohol-bombed throughout the night.
âAlright, everyone please gather around!â
Mingyuâs voice pierces through the dozens of conversations happening at once. Itâs a miracle that the rain is finally letting up after you finish your lunch. âT-shirts are distributed by size so please line up in front of the assigned officers. You can change immediately after receiving yours.â
Youâre only able to change into the Shutter shirt after handing out everything from your pile. You happen to bump into Beomgyu after changing, walking down the stairs. âCute. The shirt looks good on you.â Youâre taken aback, but you laugh out a smile.
âThanks. Did you get yours yet?â
âNo. Mingyu hyung is holding it hostage upstairs.â
âGood luck,â you tell him. âIâll go set up the projector.â
You hop down the last set of steps and are immediately blocked by Soobin when you turn to the living room, bumping into him. âOh,â you look up. âWere you here the whole time?â
âI was waiting for you,â he says, picking on a stray thread from your shirt collar, and he flicks it off to the side. âI couldnât find the file for the presentation.â
âAh, itâs with me. Hold on.â
You drag Soobin into the little tech-area you set up in the living space, passing through the lights the machine is projecting at the white cloth set up against a wall. As youâre tinkering on the laptop, looking for the PPT you made somewhere in the chaos of your files, Soobin is leaning down and watching you work, one arm outstretched on the back of your chair to balance himself. âI thought I didnât like him anymore,â he says out of nowhere. You stop digging through your files and look up at himâ oh, Beomgyuâ then resume. His face tells you that itâs just to provoke you, but you entertain his provocations anyway.
âI donât,â you reply. âBut I do like being called cute.â
âHmm,â he sounds out. âThatâs right. Yeonjun hyung called you cute, too.â
You cough out a noise. âWhat are you getting at, Choi Soobin?â
He laughs at the dirty look youâre giving him. âI just wanted to say that I think youâre cute too.â
For someone who admitted that he gets nervous sweats around you, he sure is getting shameless and bold. You ignore the heat prickling at your cheeks, slamming your hands down the table after opening up the presentation, and leaving into the kitchen to get some of the lemon water Myungho made. If Mingyu were to see you right now, heâd be having a mother fucking field day. Thank god heâs busy keeping everything in check.
âAlright, itâs time to officially start Shutter.TXTâs new yearâs party and sensitivity training! Weâll begin with an opening message from our very own Chairperson, Kim Mingyu, and after that, the anonymous message table will be opened once more. Chair, you have the floor.â
Beomgyu and Yura are hosting today (after the last event, youâre sure Mingyu decided that hosting isnât for him). Youâre back next to Soobin, helping him manage the technicals, and the afternoon passes by with the various party games you guys preparedâ with prizes, of course because no one would join without an incentive. The screen is projecting a picture of Yoon Jeonghan as a baby and everyone yells out their names, hands raised to guess who the pudgy gremlin is. He didnât submit the photo, of course. You had to dig into his motherâs Facebook account to find it.
âCorrect! The answer is our Business Manager, Yoon Jeonghan!â You click to the next slide as Chan runs up front to get his prize. âBefore we head to picking the raffle winners sponsored by our Chair, letâs take a break and pick out some messages from the confession box first!â
Your memory flashes back to one confession you got last time, and your eyes flash up at Soobin. âDid you send anything?â you ask him.
âMaybe I did,â he hums. âYou?â
âI didnât have the time,â you reply, a smile tugging on your lips. âSo I might just end up doing it in person.â
Your attention is caught when you hear Beomgyu read one of the messages into the microphone, and you hear your full name echoing through the speakers. âOhhh, this oneâs for our Assistant Layout Director!â and he repeats for your full name once more. You look at Soobin, but choose not to say anything when heâs so intently waiting for Beomgyu to read out loud the message. âIâve liked you since March of last year and my feelings have only grown as each month passes. What other signs should I give you?â Heâs practically pouring his heart into your lap and youâve been so stupid as to ignore it with every passing season.
âAlright, alright, everyone please settle down, I know that last one was thrilling but we have another confession forââ
The rest of the activities finished without a hitch, and Heeseung managed to win the ramen cooker Mingyu bought as the grand prize for the raffle. When the sun fell and stars started settling in the sky, the front yard finally dried up enough for everyone to set up for dinner.
âHyung! Come take over the grill!â
Smoke fills the air as you bump glasses over the picnic table, and soft music hums from the portable speakers Beomgyu brought. The night is cool, still stuck in the middle of winter. You leave a pat on Chanâs shoulder before you leave the group, passing by the large blue cooler near the grill to scoop up two beer cans before sauntering over to the downslope path.
There isnât a staircase, so youâre careful with your steps, slightly buzzed from the early shots you had earlier. Your eyes land on Yura, sitting on the grassy knoll while staring off into the treeline. âHey,â you greet her, and she looks up behind. You raise the blue can, smiling. âBrought something to refresh our emceeâs throat. You did a great job today.â
She smiles.âThanks. You too.â
You take a seat next to her on the ground and your cans open together with a hiss, clinking lid tops before taking a hefty swig in mutual silence. After a while, you speak up. âWeâre both working too hard,â you say. âBut we didnât even get to win a single damned prize from the raffle.â
âI wouldâve been happy with the box of tampons, honestly,â she laughs.
âMe too. Even the dead matchstick would be good enough.â
The tree leaves rustle when a breeze passes. You know what you came up to her for, but you donât know how to bring it up. The metal is cold between your teeth as you ponder, biting on the beer can after you let the drink sizzle down your throat.
Much to your surprise, itâs Yura that brings it up. âI want to tell you that Iâm completely over Soobin,â she says. âI shouldâve moved on after the first rejection, but I think the second one was enough to give me a reality check.â
You stare at her. âAreâ are you serious?â
âJust pretend and believe that I am. Donât ask questions,â he proclaims, closing her eyes with an affirmative nod. You can see her veins popping on the back of her hand as she holds the can.âYup. So donât hold yourself back anymore and do whatever you want.â You eye her in worry. It doesnât go past her radar. Yura settles the drink on the ground beside her and grabs your two hands.
She pulls them close to her, smiling. âWeâre friends. Iâll always be happy for you.â
You donât need her to say it outright. Maybe itâs better for her that way. Your hands wrap around her and you give her a squeeze. âThanks.â
âAh,â she starts cocking her head. âThis shouldâve happened sooner. Gosh, I need another drink. Letâs go raid the cooler.â
With that she pulls you up and drags you back to the rest of your peers. As soon as youâre within earshot, Mingyu calls out the both of you to eat more, boasting how nicely he grilled the beef this time. âWeâll be the judge of that!â Yura yells back, and you spend the rest of the night with a few weeks worth of weight on your chest finally lifted, making it easier for you to breathe in the clean air of the rural neighborhood.
Your initial predictions are right. At three in the morning, almost everyone is passed out scattered areas of the two houses, and youâre having a bit of difficulty trying to evade the obstacle of bodies when you enter the living room after cleaning up outside. I doubt we could go through with the program in the morning, you think when you pass by Beomgyuâs unconscious body hanging onto Heeseung as you make your way up the stairs to wash up. Waking everyone up would take at least two hours.
Itâs a lot more civilized upstairs. Some of the girls gathered in one room and are sleeping soundly on the mats and blankets. You do your best to keep quiet as you prepare for the night, but even after bathing and giving yourself a change of clothes, the moonlight from the open window keeps you up with its brightness. You give up sleeping and head back downstairs. There, you see a familiar silhouette snuggled up on the couch and taking up all of its space. Heâs squirming when you walk up to him, tugging the blanket thatâs half on the ground, and you let out a soundless laugh.
Youâre on the floor watching Soobinâs face scrunch up as he sleeps. His mouth is pouting, and one of his arms hangs off the sofa when he turns, facing you. You bring your knees closer to your chest. Heâs pretty even when sleeping.
Right when you plan on leaving, you hear him mumble out your nameâ in full, like he always does. Itâs barely coherent, a slur of syllables, but you can recognize your name in his voice. âYouâre still awake...?â he asks, rubbing his barely open eyes. You settle yourself back down with a smile, hugging your knees.
âMhm,â you reply. âI was thinking.â
Heâs still half-asleep. You can tell when tries getting up but he only makes it a few inches up the sofa before his head surrenders to the armrest. You shouldnât be making any noise. Thereâs at least five more people sleeping in the room, but a noise escapes in spite of your tightly pressed lips when his fallen arm reaches out for your hand, looping his index finger with your pinky. âWhat were you thinking about?â
Your hands fiddle around with his, tracing invisible shapes on each print and surface as his hazy eyes flutter back and forth in between wake and sleep. âI was thinking about how much I like you,â you say softly. âThatâs why I couldnât sleep.â
Silence befalls, and youâre sure heâs dozed off again. But when you turn to check on him, his eyes are fully open, wide awake. Youâre still holding his hand, waiting for something to happen, and that something happens when you feel his gentle but firm grip on your wrist, pulling you up from the ground and your footsteps patter against the moonlight leaking into the wooden living room floor, until a sharp cold bites your feet when you enter the kitchen.
âOkay,â he exhales with a voice clearer than his earlier murmurs, still holding your hand. Itâs dark. You can barely see anything, but thereâs enough light from the window to make-up Soobinâs silhouette, and youâre still breathless from the sudden sprint. âIâll give you five seconds to take back what you said, but if youââ
Itâs soft, you think. So soft, when adrenaline takes over you and you jerk forward, lips clumsily bumping into each other in exhilaration. Soobinâs wide eyes are staring into yours, and neither are moving away. Youâre not sure if itâs your own heart beat youâre hearing, his, or the both of yours thumping in an unfamiliar rhythm.
âIs someone there?â
Youâre tugged away again, and before you know it youâre crouched under a table, and all the light you can see are the streams pouring underneath the small gap between the floor and the tablecloth.
âDid you hear something?â
âI thought there was someone here.â
Your eyes flash up from the ground and youâre once again met with Soobinâs clear gaze. Itâs a small table, and Soobin is trying his hardest not to collapse onto you. His arms cage you in between, and you cover his head with your hands so he doesnât bump against the table.
âProbably from outside.â
You can only guess your expression right now. Itâs probably mirroring hisâ panting ever the slightest, trying his best not to smile too much, trying to soak in the moment thatâs been months in the waiting.
Itâs the first time your apartment has been this loud.
You donât know what you got yourself into. A merger between your friends from your major and your friends from Shutter was a disaster waiting to happen. And it is happening. Beomgyu and Taehyun shouldnât have met, Myungho shouldnât be drinking with Jay and the rest right now, and you can hear Mingyu talking shit about how he knew you and Soobin were meant to be from the very beginning to every person he sees.
âIâve been shipping them since day one!â he proclaims proudly to Jake. âYour friend wouldnât believe me when Iââ and your boyfriend promptly tells him to shut up, Jeonghan teasing him along with Heesung.
âWhen I saw them at the festival, I knew something was up!â
âI made a mistake,â you say out loud. âHoly crap, this is noisy.â
Then youâre dragged by the girls for questioning when Yunjin and Kazuha spill to Yura your series of unfortunate romantic events last year until Soobin happened. âYou guys are missing a detail,â you sigh. âItâs time to be honest. I also had a crush on Taehyun for a total of like, two days.â
âWhat?â exclaims Yunjin?
âWhat?â echoes the rest of your friends.
âHold on, when did this happen?â Soobin is back to your side. You havenât told him either. He only knows up until Huening.
âChristmas party. It was a temporary moment of weakness because I was sad and hormonal,â you explain. âDonât look at me like that, Choi Soobin. It didnât last long. Things became clear when we went out for dinner on new yearâs eve.â
You hear a gag from Sunghoon and Yunjin freaks out. âYou had dinner together?! How come I wasnât aware of this?â
âEw, I canât believe you had a crush on one of us,â spouts Jay, but Jake quickly turns it against him.
âLike youâre one to talk. You had a crush on her throughout the first week of classes.â
âNow, why the fuck would you tell her that?â
They fight. You take the opportunity to escape the scene, dragging Soobin to the safe space of your room before you can get a headache from the mess outside. âI think I shouldâve just introduced you to them one by one,â you sigh against the door. âIâm sorry. They mustâve been tiring.â
âItâs nothing I canât handle,â he assures, already taking a spot on the floor beside your bed. âOf course, itâs still better when itâs just you and me.â
Slowly, you pull yourself off the door and plant yourself right in front of him, sitting cross legged. He waits for you to speak, eyes expectant. You give in. âAre you upset that I didnât tell you about my two day crush on Taehyun?â You didnât expect him to laugh at that.
âNo. Iâm actually glad you didnât,â he starts. Soobin leans forward a little, picking up your hands from the floor and he starts twiddling with them as he lets his mind speak. âI was always hesitant to do or say anything because you always had your eyes set on someone else, but I just couldnât do nothing. I liked you a lot, and I only fell deeper as we got closer. I thought I might explode if I didnât let it out somehow. I only got the courage to call you that day because I thought you didnât have feelings for anybody anymore,â
âBut I did,â you correct. âIâm pretty sure I already liked you then.â
You pause for a moment. âActually, Iâm sure I liked you even before that.â
He breathes out a smile. âIâm glad.â Soobin lets go of youâ only for a moment because he lets himself sink forward, arms locking you in place like the time you were trapped under the table during the Shutter outing. Itâs late at night, too. Nothing but the moon illuminating the floorboards through your bedroom window, except this time, your eyes arenât looking at each other. You follow his gaze, and you let out a little laugh. âChoi Soobin,â you call out, and his eyes snap back up. âYou know, you can kiss me if you want to, right?â
Itâs like he said. He gets nervous around you. You can see him swallow hesitantly, the air around you growing thicker, and he breathes out, âAreâ are you sure?â
You dip your fingers into his hair, and he chases after when you trail them down to his cheek. His face is soft, softer than a gentle spring bloom. âYou can do whatever you want."
Soobin presses his lips together. âThen...close your eyesâ
Your eyes follow, and within a few seconds you can feel nothing but the teasing burn of his lips barely grazing above yours like itâs the summer sun, but then feel his grip on your shoulder, and the air gets colder when you suddenly feel a distance.
Heâs red when you open your eyes, a pretty shade of warm, autumn sienna painting his cheeks and ears. âSorry, I justââ
You donât let him finish. You pull yourself into him and the plush of his lips are soft against yoursâ still as soft as you remember and you let yourself drown in his heat and warmth, and he does the same, tugging you onto his lap so he can pour all his yearâs worth of love and ardor into you with every kiss, peck, whisper like itâs a winter present.
âYouâre really doing whatever you want,â you laugh as soon as he presses a kiss on the skin peeking from your left shoulder.
âIâve been holding back for months,â he whines into your neck, arms firmly wrapped around your waist with no intention of letting go. âLetâs stay here for a little longer. The guys outside can take care of themselves.â
Choi Soobin has been pouring his love into you all throughout spring and summer, fall and winter, even when you were too caught up in momentary shifts of the season to notice. Now, you wonât even let a drop fall astray, catching every last bit as you do the same for him. Heâs a spring shower that extends into December, a summer cold you never want to get rid of, a fall sweater youâre wearing in the middle of May, and the cold nights that visit all throughout the year.
love vomit.
© hannie-dul-set, 2023.
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