#Somebody tell me you remember this goddamn poem

[samsqueerpolycule]

When are we going to talk about the hold that this poem had on gay mentally ill kids in 2012

#TELL me you know what I’m talking about #I saw this shit everywhere #we were OBSESSED #I watched this and cried all the goddamn time #that year my high school had a poetry slam competition and half of the kids read this poem #I don’t even think that’s an exaggeration #this shit lived in our mind rent free right between Loki and the onceler #Somebody tell me you remember this goddamn poem

[lov3rzclub]

hi,

so i didn’t realise that i was somehow still holding onto you but now with the song i used to remember you with, i’m letting you go. i think it scared me to think you wouldn’t be there in my future when i had soent years dreaming of you and me staying together. sure, i’m over you, but i guess i wasn’t over the dreams i had dreamt up for you and i. you know, i had envisioned everything. i just wanted to be happy with you, with our two kids. i had imagined life would move smoothly even though you weren’t showing me the same love that i was pouring you with.

i used to think it was me and you against the world. every time my friends asked me to move on, i used to tell then that “i know, there’s one more chapter left. the story isn’t over yet.” and they all stayed silent; because what would you tell a fool in love who has her rose coloured glasses on?

and honestly t, you never gave me anything that should’ve made me stay with you. you came when you wanted to, left when you wanted to. as if i was the train you would take in every few weeks when you’re bored with your mundane life. god, you hurt me so much and so badly, i wish i could say these things to you but typing these out here are enough for me.

i don’t want to see you, hear you or know you anymore. i’m washing your memories off my brain. but i’m glad i got to love somebody. i finally understood what it meant to love someone unconditionally, to wait for them without even knowing if they would ever pass you by again. to feel guilty talking to somebody because “what if he cam back and how was i going to face him? sure we weren’t together at that time, but it still feels like cheating.” honestly, play charlie puth’s attention because that’s how i used to feel. but i realised time really heals everything.

i’m happy for the happy times, sad for the sad times. sad for the 19 year old me who would stay up and listen to the local train’s songs and cry herself to sleep because she missed him and he was nowhere to be found. maybe i should’ve realised that it wouldn’t last back then, but i still believed you would come back, you know?

but i’m really proud of me from then because wow, i never would’ve realised that i too, could love if it hadn’t been for you, or more like your absence. and honestly i think, with me, absence really makes my heart grow fonder. well, the more you learn about yourself!

and i can say this with my whole heart right now, i’m glad you didn’t come back, t arora. i’m so glad. i would’ve gone back to you had you come back. just the way i did all those times. you’re not good for me, i know now. but i’m glad i met you though. i’m glad i thought you were my school senior because one of my school senior was following you and i’m glad you texted me on 27th january 2020 and i’m glad i responded. and after everything, even though i was the one who had loved you, i’m glad i did.

so i’m finally closing the chapter on you after three whole years and i’m taking back the gun i had given you in my poem. the gun is mine now, t.

this feels so new to me but i’m so excited for the new adventures i’m about to take and honestly, i hope you get your karma. but also, i hope you take care of yourself and live.

let’s never cross our paths again. and i’m hoping you never come across this but if by any goddamn chance you do, yes, it’s me a who had blue and red hair. although i don’t think we ever talked in my red hair era, did we? i don’t remember actually. but anyway, please never text me. although i wouldn’t respond and honestly i think even the universe doesn’t want me to respond there’s this weird glitch whenever i open your text box on instagram, it just stays on the page when you’ve restricted someone and yk, can’t text? and only have those three options of unrestrict them, or delete the chat or accept it? yeah, idk why even if i accept it, it just turns back to the same. well, i took that as a sign and deleted your follow request when you sent it back in jan 2023. but yes, don’t text me about this if you come across this.

i’m so over it now. i just want to find someone who will love me unconditionally and who i will love unconditionally and i’m not letting your thoughts come in between me and him.

this might seem silly but, i’m letting you go while listening to the song i used to cry to the most thinking of you, the local train’s choo lo. oh and, yes the poetry page i had? i made it for you. ofcourse it’s gone now, but it did make me happy. so thanks for the memories - the good & the bad. and get your karma for what you did to me and live. you deserve to live with the guilt. & also get therapy, you really, really need it.

lastly, when you find the girl you’re going to fall in love with, i hope you treat her carefully and delicately. i hope you love her and i hope you make her happy. don’t treat her the way you treated me.

and with this, i’m slowly leaving in

one….

two….

three….

four….

[courtpheasent]

Art Prompt Game

If you want, you can send me character(s) and prompt(s) and I’ll draw them!!!

ANGST - SINGLE CHARACTER

🥀Cursing the Gods

🥀Crying in a bathroom

🥀Yell crying

🥀Self Sacrificing

🥀Self Deprecating

🥀Hugging Self

🥀Going Insane

🥀Hallucinating

🥀Watching the World Burn around them

🥀Visiting a Graveyard (Tragically)

🥀Running for their Life

🥀Having a Nightmare

SWEET - SINGLE CHARACTER

🍬Laying in a Field of Flowers

🍬Sleeping Peacefully

🍬Going for a Run

🍬Fishing

🍬Making a Necklace

🍬Finding an Animal Friend

🍬Stargazing

🍬Going to a Concert

🍬Writing a Poem

🍬Indulging in a guilty pleasure

🍬Throwing open a window

🍬Holding a Bird

🍬With a Flower Crown

🍬Yoga!!!!

🍬In a Graveyard (To pick flowers…?)

ROMANCE - SINGLE CHARACTER

❤️Pining

❤️Writing a Love song

❤️Fainting Wistfully

❤️Their face when their crush(es) laugh

❤️Love Proclamation

❤️Promposal

❤️Writting Crush’s name(s) in the margin of notes

❤️Explaining Crush to Somebody else

❤️Love filled sighing

❤️whistful looks

❤️Jealous looks

❤️In a Graveyard (Piningly!)

CASUAL - SINGLE CHARACTER

🤷Doing Dishes

🤷getting ready for the day

🤷Playing an Instrument

🤷Writting a Paper

🤷Going to Work

🤷What they were like in Highschool

🤷What they were like as a little Kid

🤷What they were like as a Young adult

🤷Relaxing after a hard day

🤷Taking a bubble bath

🤷Taking care of kids/animals

🤷Planting something

🤷Watching Tv

🤷Visiting a Graveyard (Casually)

🤷Going grocery Shopping

🤷In their bedroom

🤷On their phone

GORE - SINGLE CHARACTER

🫀Drowning

🫀Stabbed

🫀Coughing up blood

🫀Begging for life

🫀Breaking bones to remove restraints

🫀Being Strangled

🫀Pinned down by a large object

🫀Stranded in Space

🫀Starving

🫀Lost in the Woods (Badly)

🫀In a Graveyard (And Dead)

🫀Crucified

🫀Sprouted wings but like. Painfully.

🫀Stabbed through the throat

🫀Infested

🫀Buried alive

🫀Animal Mualing

ANGST- MULTIPLE CHARACTERS

⛑Fighting

⛑Betrayal

⛑Comforting Eachother

⛑Lost in the Woods (But surviving barely!!!)

⛑Talking about trauma

⛑Nightmares (Hurt/Comfort addition)

⛑Hanging out in the Hospital

⛑Talking someone down from doing something stupid

⛑Forced to Do something awful to the other

⛑Found out something awful that happened to the other

⛑Swearing to make whoever hurt the other(s) pay dearly

⛑Moral discussion turns Violent

⛑Old Enemies forced to work together

⛑visiting a Graveyard (so one can mourn while the other comforts)

SWEET - MULTIPLE CHARACTERS

🌺Karaoke

🌺Piled in the same bed together

🌺Road trip

🌺Fashion Show!!!

🌺Forming a Band

🌺Going to Hot topic

🌺Sleepover

🌺Pool Party!!!

🌺Getting High together

🌺Riding on some form of animal

🌺Watching a bad movie

🌺On a phone call

🌺Watching a video on someone’s phone

🌺Going to a Graveyard (To summon the dead probably)

ROMANCE - MULTIPLE CHARACTERS

💞Snuggling

💞Kissing

💞Wedding

💞Going on a date

💞Touching Noses

💞Holding Hands

💞Saying Goodnight

💞Making Breakfast in the morning

💞Going on a car ride

💞Taking care of kids/pets

💞Feeding eachother grapes

💞Having a Lazy day indoors

💞Having a picnic

💞Taking care of the other when their sick

💞Flirting (Badly)

💞Cheesy pickup lines

💞Dancing

💞Dressed up for halloween

CASUAL - MULTIPLE CHARACTERS

🕺Going to a Bar

🕺Riding in an elevator

🕺Working together

🕺What if they all worked in a cafe?

🕺Going out to eat

🕺Making small talk

🕺Reacting to everyone’s house

🕺Meeting others’ families

🕺First Introductions

🕺Getting Arrested for some shared crime

🕺Opening up for the first time

🕺Going to the fair

GORE - MULTIPLE CHARACTERS

❤️‍🩹Dying in the other’s arms

❤️‍🩹Revenge

❤️‍🩹One is Torturing the Other

❤️‍🩹Dying together

❤️‍🩹mugging

❤️‍🩹kidnapping

❤️‍🩹Murder

❤️‍🩹Self Defense

❤️‍🩹An argument turns phisical

❤️‍🩹Tavern Fight

❤️‍🩹Trying to run but the other’s leg is severely injured

❤️‍🩹Saying goodbye

❤️‍🩹Public Execution

❤️‍🩹Attempting to save the other from an overdose

❤️‍🩹Begging to wake up

❤️‍🩹Begging to have life spared

ANGST - DIALOGUE

🗣”Can- Can you come pick me up- please…?”

🗣”Oh god it’s bad. It’s real bad.”

🗣”When was the last time you eat?”

🗣”Fuck- are you okay????”

🗣”It’s fine. I’m fine. Everything is FINE.”

🗣 “We can’t keep doing this….”

🗣”I NEVER LIKED YOU OKAY?!”

🗣”I lied.”

🗣”You can’t goddamn do this to me.”

🗣”Just leave me the fuck alone already!”

🗣”It’s over.”

🗣”I don’t ever want to see you again.”

🗣”Can we talk about this?”

🗣”You can’t just stay up for four days straight and accept to be okay dumbass.”

🗣”How much did you take?!”

🗣”Please……. Please don’t leave me again.”

SWEET - DIALOGUE

👤”Hey scoot over!”

👤”You gonna eat that?”

👤”Loot at this!”

👤”Remember the Day we met?”

👤”Ha! I look just like you!”

👤”I know a guy.”

👤”What if we went here instead?”

👤”Smile!”

👤”I’m so glad to see you!”

👤”Happy birthday!”

👤”Come on!”

👤”Dude- holy shit- look at that!”

👤”Ohmygod- it’s perfect!!!”

👤”……Thank you.”

👤”C’mon! It’s just a little arson! :D”

👤”Dude, you’re hogging the blanket.”

ROMANCE - DIALOGUE

🫂”I love you. I’ve always loved you and I always will.”

🫂”Just fucking kiss me already you idiot.”

🫂”Haha- it’s so nice out….”

🫂”Good night sweetie.”

🫂”Ha! There’s that smile.”

🫂”Will you marry me?”

🫂”Oh! This is the best part!”

🫂”Ah! Your feet are cold!!!”

🫂”C’mon! It’s not gonna kill me or anything!”

🫂”You’re gonna be a parent.”

🫂”Hey, I found this box of stray kittens-“

🫂”You look beutiful tonight.”

🫂”Honey hurry up! I have to pee!”

🫂”What do you think of the new place?”

CASUAL - DIALOGUE

👄”Pass the remote please!”

👄”And what’s your name?”

👄”Hi! Could you hand me that please?”

👄”Oh! Sorry!”

👄”You come here often?”

👄”oh yeah- that’s mine- sorry-“

👄”One Coffee please.”

👄”Hi! Can I help you?”

👄”Is this seat taken?”

👄”What’s for lunch?”

👄”Where you from?”

👄”How’s the family back home?”

👄”Sorry I’m late!”

GORE - DIALOGUE

👥”Oh fuck that looks bad-“

👥”Call an ambulance- cALL AN AMBULANCE OH MY GOD-“

👥”I’m sorry. There’s nothing we can do.”

👥”how- how bad is it?”

👥”Can you walk?”

👥”Jesus- Who much did you have to drink?!”

👥”Um. I don’t know how to tell you this….. but I think I may have just lost an arm.”

👥”Fuckfuckfuck”

👥”Oh god it’s spreading-“

👥”Kill me.”

👥”Help….. Me…….”

👥”I’m scared- I’m so scared-“

👥”Tell them I love them- okay? Please- just do it for me…?”

👥”I didn’t mean to! I’m so sorry- I- I didn’t mean to!”

Feel free to use these for yourselves UwU

#hehe prompt game #I’ll do UT for these ones!!! #usual rules ya know #no gore or romance with kids #no gross ships #etc. #y’all know the drill #prompts #tw gore #tw caps #tw bold text #tw swearing #long post

[surveys-at-your-service]

Survey #455

“but you didn’t have to cut me off  /  make it like it never happened and that we were nothing”

Are you and the last person you kissed in a relationship or just friends? We're besties! :') Has anyone ever pointed out that your laugh was unusual? No. Would you get a lip piercing? I already have a vertical labret. I've considered getting spiked snakebites (they might be called devil bites?) too, though. With a vertical labret, it looks sick as FUCK. It might be a bit much too close together for me, though, idk. Nose piercing? I want my right nostril re-pierced. What are you currently waiting for? Girt to message me back. I've decided what I want out of our relationship and just want to see him. Do you have feelings for anyone? Hit me pretty hard through a lot of examination of my feelings that yeah, I do. Have you ever run over an animal? Oh my god no, I would be DESTROYED. Have you chewed gum after someone else already has? bro what the fuck When people sneeze do you say ‘bless you’? I do only out of expectation. I don't want someone to think I'm an ass or something for not saying it. When was the last time you were on a bouncy castle? A few years ago for my niece's birthday. She was scared of how loud it was and was very reluctant to get near it, so my fat ass got in there with everyone else to show her it was fine lol. I can't remember if she eventually got in. She loves them now, though. :') Have you ever went on a bouncy castle whilst drunk? No, but thanks for the idea, ha ha. Have you ever entered an art competition? Yes. What is one thing you will never do? Try hardcore drugs. What is one food that you detest? Asparagus. Did you have a rebellious phase growing up? Not really. What religion were you brought up with? Roman Catholic. Are you still that religion? GOD NO. Do you often find yourself questioning your future? That's my full-time job. How many friends do you have on Facebook? 124. What sort of music did you listen to when you were in high school? The same I listen to now. What pet names do you use with your significant other? I'm single rn, but usually, I go for "sweetie/sweetheart," "hunny," "love," "dear," stuff like that. What’s the name of the store you usually get your groceries? Wal-Mart. Have you ever seen a theatre show? Yes. What’s your favourite vegetable? Broccoli. Have you ever missed a flight? Yes. I was SO fuckin upset because it was on Sara's birthday and planned in secret, and I was supposed to wake her up. It still wound up being a big surprise to her when she walked into her room and I was chillin' at her desk, ha ha, but I still wish it coulda gone as originally planned. Do your neighbours have any pets? Have you ever met them? Yes; they have a yappy-ass dog that doesn't shut up. I haven't met them. What color is your bedroom door? White. If you were ever to become famous, would you grow annoyed at fans? This may sound very ungrateful, but I have heard A LOT of celebrities say it: it would get old, being stopped constantly in public for signatures, pictures, etc. Like yes, I still WOULD be grateful, but I'd miss just being off the radar and able to go outside carrying out chores and stuff like a normal person. Have you ever met your favourite band/singer? No. :( Are you embarrassed by any of the songs/singers/bands you like? Nah, not nowadays. Have you ever written a story? Yes, a kinda short one when I was little. Think of the last poem you wrote: What inspired you to write it? The breakup with Jason and the fact we're just strangers again. It was really short, but I like it a lot, honestly. Do you have a chance with the person you like right now? I think so. What’s the weirdest thing you were scared of as a child? A skeleton in my closet, lol. Literally. Are there any embarrassing stories your family tells about you? alkdsjflakjwle yes In your opinion, what is the funniest TV show? That '70s Show. 3rd Rock From the Sun is high up there, too. What is the maximum number of children you’d ever have? HYPOTHETICALLY, two, but I'm pretty damn serious about having none. I just always feel kinda bad for children without a sibling, but three would make me pull my hair out. Have you ever been concerned you had a serious illness? Yes. I overreact to even minor symptoms to ANYTHING. Are you comfortable with who you are? No. Pretty much everything about myself embarrasses me, even if it shouldn't. Would you date someone even if you knew you’d get made fun of for it? Yes? Others' opinions don't affect how I feel about someone. Does popularity matter to you at all? No, outside of trying to be a successful photographer. Would you ever consider homeschooling your children? If they really wanted that and it would benefit them, yes. Who told you about the band/singer you are currently listening to? I discovered them myself. Do you ever read fanfiction? Nah. Would you rather die in a plane crash, ship wreck or fire? Jesus. A plane crash, I guess, because in a lot of cases, it would be an immediate death. What are your top five favourite TV shows? Meerkat Manor, Fullmetal Alchemist (and Brotherhood; shut up, they go together), That '70s Show, Ginga Densetsu Weed, and Deadman Wonderland. What is your favorite superhero movie? Logan. If you died next week, what would be the cause of death? Uhhhh idk... I guess maybe a heart attack? Judging by doctor appointments, my heart is just fine, but the fact still remains that I'm technically obese, so that's always a risk. Have you ever taken a break from Facebook or other social media? Why? Facebook, yes. It was just depressing me. I was playing the comparison game REAL hard. Who is the most talented person you know? I dunno. I know many people talented in a lot of areas. Are you currently platonic friends with anyone you’ve had sex with? No. Where did you and your current interest go on your first date? Bowling. Have you ever experienced two people fighting over you (physically or mentally)? What happened? Jason and Juan pursued me at the same time. They'd known each other in the past, and Juan hated him for "winning" his ex-girlfriend. Then when Jason and I got together, Juan wasn't the happiest for sure. Have your parents ever thought you were gay? What happened? Before I actually came out as bisexual, I don't think so? Are your parents more liberal or conservative? Conservative. Mom is more open, but still conservative. I think. What year are you going into at the beginning of the next academic year? I'm not in school. How far away does your closest family member live? I live with Mom. If you’ve seen both, did you prefer the Disney version or the Tim Burton version of Alice in Wonderland? I actually strongly prefer Tim Burton's. Would you have sex before marriage? Why or why not? Yeah. I just want to be in a long-term, serious, healthy relationship to reach that point and be as safe as possible about it. Are you more liberal or conservative? Liberal, but I do have some conservative beliefs, too. Who is your favorite Harry Potter character? I don't have one, given I never got into that franchise. What’s the worst that could come out of letting gays marry? Not a goddamn thing. What’s the most sexual thing you’ve done? Done "the thing." Name something that you are against. I'll go with an unconventional one that's a problem as of the late: making owning reptiles illegal. Why are you against it? Because reptiles are perfectly capable of being brilliant pets and, most importantly, can tame people's fears of them. I think that it's very important to see the worth and beauty in all animals, and reptiles are one of the most unappreciated families out there. :/ Have you ever played the Tomb Raider games? I played some of either the first or second one. I could never beat it. Old games are hard, man. Do you like it or hate it when your partner is clingy? I absolutely believe that it can get to an extreme that I don't like, but for the most part, I don't mind a clingy partner because hey, I am too. Beatles or Rolling Stones? Stonessss. When was the last time you changed your opinion on somebody? It'd been on my mind for a while, but I *officially* realized that I really do like-like Girt a couple days ago. And since then it's gotten a bit hardcore and all I wanna do is talk to him bc fuck me and how attached to people I get. What was the last thing that made you feel proud and why? Every single time I go to the gym, I feel proud of myself because it REALLY takes a lot out of me. Do you feel uncomfortable when people you hardly know confide in you? Nope. I'm willing to be a shoulder to cry on for like... anyone. If you're hurting, talk to someone. I'll be there as an easy option. What was the last thing to fascinate you? It was... INCREDIBLY disturbing and almost nauseating even for me, but I saw a video of a dead whale explode. It was GRUESOME. Guts just kept coming and coming and coming and :x Is there a certain noise/sound which scares you? Hmmm... I'm sure there is, but what, it's not coming to me. Sudden, loud noises are an obvious answer. Do you have a favourite microorganism? ... No, I can't say I do. Out of the people you know, whose birthday is next? Girt's, actually. It's in October. If you have pet fish do you bother to name them? I did when I actually had them as a kid. Do you keep your eggs in the fridge? Ye. Have you ever owned chickens? No, but that'd be cool. Fresh eggs from a properly cared for chicken taste SO much better. When did you last listen to music? Currently. NOW I'm obsessed with Melodicka Bros & Violet Orlandi's cover of "Somebody That I Used to Know." It's done in a gothic metal style and is amaaaazing.

#survey #surveys #random questions #lyrics: ''somebody that i used to know'' by gotye

[whats-the-story-tc]

13th-15th of May, 2020

"The One Where the Mask Drops"

[INCREDIBLY LONG SORRY]

Hey, I'm not dead! And to show you how incredibly not dead I am, let me tell you a story.

It's around 2 AM that Wednesday, I'm going to sleep. God knows I'm incredibly exhausted, but there's one last thing I needed to write into my diary. One last thing I couldn't go to sleep without.

"please be good to me today"

I went to sleep hoping that finally, after two weeks of feeling like shit when I thought about us, the tide would turn.

That morning, it rained. I immediately remembered a rainy Wednesday morning just like this two months ago, when the rain brought V back to me. I got very excited. Things were going to change for the better again, I felt it. Suddenly, I couldn't wait for class.

8:30 AM that morning, I'm getting ready for my 9 AM class. Google Classroom–notif. V. Private message. Uh-oh, I thought. The make-or-break moment, and not a minute too soon.

V: Thank you very much for your work!

I almost laughed out loud. "Wow, [Name], don't strain yourself!" I remember saying as I read it.

One infuriatingly boring English (as a foreign language) class later, it was time for V's class. I was ready five minutes in advance, but as I went on The Platform That Shall Not Be Named... no one was there. I found it odd. Usually, there are a couple of us by now. Anyway, I didn't enter the voice channel. I waited five minutes in solitude outside for someone to show up.

Well, V did. And I wasn't very well going to leave her alone, now, was I?

She greeted me 0.1 second after I joined. I tried not to be awkward about it just being the two of us, I immediately stroke up a conversation. I told her how I was already waiting, all the stuff you guys already know, and she asked if we had any lessons prior. I told her about one third of us having had English just now. We spent about two minutes alone together, as I rambled about the awkward and unfortunate situation and she listened, mostly in silence.

She was very audibly tired, and said very little, that much was to be expected from a 10 AM class. But... I might just be overthinking it, but I heard something there that concerned me. Something crushed and disappointed, something that told me she wasn't expecting only one person to show. There was something painfully lonely in that voice.

Bookworm Friend joined, about 3-ish minutes into class, and Debate Friend a minute or two later, but they were both muted, so I carried on. I asked V to tell us what happened in school in the past two days, what we missed out on, enthusiastically replying to everything I could, so she wouldn't feel like she was speaking into the abyss, so she'd know I was trying my hardest to be there for her. Then she brought up the tests she was correcting at the moment, even naming a really stupid mistake she encountered with a little laugh. But what really smacked me in the gut was when I brought up the small attendance, and she said: "There's nothing we can do." in this very melancholy voice, like she was giving up. She even texted the class group chat that she's waiting.

How do I know that she wasn't just simply tired, and that's why she sounded like that, so worn and discouraged, especially at first? Because as soon as the others, who don't belong in my friends' circle, started showing up, her voice and entire behaviour did a 180°, as if she suddenly woke up. But she didn't. I know for a fact she didn't. Nobody just wakes up that suddenly.

It took me until that afternoon to realise that I'd just spent 5 minutes with the real V, the same V I spoke to in early December, who didn't try to hide her emotions. Not from me.

If you only heard the next thirty minutes of class, you could never tell she was feeling sad to begin with. And there was a LOT to be heard. Starting with how she mispronounced "cheat somebody out of sth" as "EAT somebody out", which is... well... all I'm saying is, I fell on my knees and tried to laugh as silently as I could. Prime moment.

She said something along the lines of "We're all very sober here", after which I just texted my friends:

S: "Darling, you tell us drinking stories every two weeks, would you mind if I didn't believe you?"

and sometime after, this text was also sent, for which I will not be offering context:

S: "[Name], that was enough sex for 10 AM, I'm gonna pass out"

And, of course, after all that went down, V saying "you can't satisfy everyone" sounded VERY different.

At some point, I attempted to joke around, but as she was reading a message in the chat that was sent at the same time, I got quite the half-assed response. But what happened in the last five minutes? Oh, that changed everything.

Art Friend knew how upset I was that V didn't reply at all to my assignment, and I told her I wanted to talk to V about it. During class, she texted me if I still wanted it, and I told her no, because I'm no longer upset with her. And what does this madwoman do? SHE ASKS ABOUT THE ASSIGNMENTS.

V is absolutely enthusiastic, she goes on about how much she liked what she saw and how creative we were. Art Friend asks about hers. Then comes my leap of faith. It's now, or never.

"I hope I didn't go too far..." I said, a bit nervous, not knowing how she'd react. She never did like me trying to undermine myself. And you guys... she chuckled. Incredibly soft and warm and just what I needed to feel at ease. That already threw me off, but then, she followed it up with: "No, I really-really liked it." I could tell she was smiling on the other side of the screen and that she was completely honest. I had to sit down after that, because I just couldn't believe what I heard. That I really just witnessed all that, that I got a reaction I couldn't overthink and/or misinterpret, because I heard it with my own two ears, in real time. I felt like I could do anything in the world.

And yet, the next day, I didn't do my usual notes for her test. Because what did Specs do all evening instead? I was fucking singing. I couldn't deny being a goddamn theatre kid if I tried.

Friday. The day of the test. I'm restlessly taking notes in the morning, but I don't have the time to get into the analytics of poems, only the basics of the dude's life and works. It makes me incredibly frightened, because V's tests are only easy if you come prepared — if you have no clue what she's talking about, abandon all hope. I had absolutely everything open for cheating that I could open, and you guys? I lucked out. Most of the test was just "Explain what [insert quote] means in 2-3 sentences", and if there's something I excel at, as you've probably noticed, it's talking. It was easy as could be.

The only thing making me anxious were my classmates. They were all trying to ask for help, constant questions and begging, everyone is hopeless, because they couldn't give two shits about preparing beforehand. They were all assured some loser was gonna give them the answers. And the some loser was me. I gave it to them, everything except for the final, longer essay. That was private, only meant for V to read. After all, how was I supposed to show them my essay, that ends like this?:

"Even if our existence is finite, it's always worth fighting for happiness."

And yes, yes it is. Always. Look at me. I powered through weeks of a shitstorm, where every single day felt like years, where I no longer knew or cared what was going to happen. And let me tell you, the sun always shines beyond the clouds. You just can't see it yet. But GOD, you will. You will.

I needed time to write this. There's loads going on at the moment, not necessarily V-related, and I'm trying to work my way through it gently enough that I can make it the end sane and healthy. Currently, it's three weeks since all this happened. One and a half weeks left until school ends. I might get to see V in person again, but we'll see how it goes. All I know is that whatever happens, I can do it. Because even if my existence is finite, it's always worth fighting for happiness.

~ S ♡

[Every story I share here, no matter how specific I get with my wording, depicts actual events from my own life.]

#tc #tcc #teacher crush community #female tc #female teacher crush

[invertedeidolon]

The Longest Library #1: And on the Eighth Day She Rested by J.D Mason (Or, Eidolon talks too  much about their shitty childhood and relationships)

( Until I find a format for these, I’ll just be rambling about the interesting bits I have flagged in the book. There WILL be spoilers. ) 

Rundown: A perfectly capable story about one woman’s recovery from a 14 year abusive marriage, ‘And On The Eight Day She Rested’ is a quick but immersive read. I give it a 4/5, only because I don’t agree with the heroine’s final decision. If you ignore that, it would have been a 4.5/5. This is because I am a bitter bastard.

Because it’s a story mainly about abuse and recovery, of COURSE I’m going to relate to it. What I wasn’t expecting, was just how well the author depicted the feelings and thoughts involved. The narrative voice is entirely inside the main character’s head, from her perspective, and nobody else’s.

Right off the bat, she talks about how her husband has disappeared again. How this time, instead of being jealous or insecure, she savored her time by herself, even ‘back[ing] away from feelings of inadequacy’. My first relationship involved a lot of ghosting. This is something I desperately wanted to do, to ACTUALLY enjoy time by myself, instead of worrying up and down about how HE’S doing, what HE’S feeling, whether it was my fault he wasn’t talking to me or if I was good enough for him.

“It’s a piece of time that doesn’t warrant any more attention than it’s been given.”

The main character refuses to press charges or do anything at first. All she wants to do is to make that entire part of her life disappear, like it never happened (but of course, after things like that, it’ll never be ‘like it never happened’). I don’t talk a lot about my mom (my abuser) in the present tense. I don’t get very angry thinking about her either. Because she doesn't warrant any more of my time or energy, and if I had it my way, she would just quietly disappear forever.

“But the words linger, piling up inside me like garbage, and when he’s not around to pile on some more, I can usually regurgitate them to remind myself of who I really am.”

I still deal with this, to this day. The things my mother said to me and my sister often return like some kind of horrible specter. I can usually tell when it’s me, or if it’s ‘mom’ talking based on how extreme and unwarranted my language gets toward myself.

“Didn’t I ever dream of being...doing something besides worrying about Eric, pleasing Eric, ducking from Eric, crying over Eric, or crying because of Eric?[...] All these years have I been completely driven by this man to the point that I don’t have the fuel or desire to drive my damn self?”

Yes, actually. Being trapped in the house with your abuser, often makes it so that they’re the focus. Avoiding them, pleasing them, often meant the difference between survival and... not. The main character married him when she was eighteen, and kind of had to grow up with him, depend on him. It gets like that when you’re dependent on somebody. For a long time after getting out of my parent’s place, I would just sleep. I wasn’t needed, so I slept, or laid there. I didn’t know if I was allowed to eat, so I didn’t. Abusers like that often control nearly every aspect of your life, and left to your own devices after they’re gone... you don’t have anything, like a sim with the free will turned off. There’s no self-direction, not even driven by your desires, because your desires didn’t matter, and were punished out of you.

“Even when he was gone, the anticipation of him was enough to keep me in hell and I couldn’t enjoy being alone. [...] My mind was constantly filled with the challenge of keeping everything perfect and not giving him a reason to fuss.”

This is something I still do, although now it’s just a reflex turned into an act of love, as opposed to a survival instinct. I make the surroundings comfortable for my loved ones and myself, because I love them, and I’m aware of how much of a difference the smaller comforts can make, not because I’m afraid of a ragemonster thundering through the house if one little thing is off. I do still get nervous if people are moving too much or making too much noise sometimes (it was like blood in the ocean, make too much noise and here comes the shark, ready to shut it down and punish you for daring to assert that you were in any way alive and not serving her that very moment). Although there are sometimes when my body remembers, but I don’t. I’ll accidentally forget my partner’s tea on the counter and burst into tears out of overwhelming guilt, and then feel ashamed because my emotions are so overblown (but the emotions are from when I would forget something of my mother’s and would be in the midst of fearing punishment). It’s hard sometimes.

There are these poems/prose that happen only twice in the book. I don’t really understand what purpose they serve or why they’re there. Maybe it’s a staple of romance novels, like a writing tick or something?

“I haven’t been able to get the encounter with Eric off my mind. It’s not running into him that’s bothering me. It’s my reaction to him.[...] He’s been out of my life so long, but today I felt that familiar intimidation I used to feel from him and I don’t like it because I thought I’d convinced myself that I was over it.”

I feel this. I feel this hard. I hate just how much power those memories hold over me. I get into a situation that’s similar enough, and I break down and regress back into a kid, following the same set of insane rules. It scares my partners sometimes, that I could be terrified and obviously hurting, but still deflecting any questions about me, and being extra attentive to them and only them. Because that was how you did it. You showed fear, you were punished. You made anything about you, you were punished. And god forbid I ‘break a rule’ in that state, because I devolve into a terrified mess, because the rest of my nervous system expects a punishment for it. Sometimes the freeze response is so bad that my body shuts down. It was enough pain in the past that my body felt like there was a threat on it’s life, and prepared me for it accordingly, slowing everything down, making it harder to move (It’ll hurt less when the lion eats you if your muscles aren’t tensed), flooding my brain with opiates to make things numb and foggy and distant. It was enough to make my body think I was going to die. Of course it doesn’t just go away. The body wants to live. It WILL remember, no matter how ashamed you are of it. And by god am I ashamed.

“I refused to give that bullshit any more attention than it’s been given”

For me, it’s who my mother was as a person. I spent a really long goddamn time fighting not to blame myself. I refuse to recognize her as anything but empty and monstrous. I get angry when people attempt to assign any kind of humanity or careful, conscious thought to her. She has neither. She is a creature, driven by instinct. I don’t care that she made me, she’s never made anything good in her life. I refuse to give her credit for me. I made me. Not her. She didn’t raise me, and she sure as hell isn’t raising her other daughter, I AM.

“I waited all day, but he never called. So the next day, I call him, several times, but he doesn’t return any of my messages.” - “Lately, my nerves are on edge and there’s an uneasiness flowing through my veins. I’ve been trying to ignore these feelings, but it’s hard to do. I sense a shift occurring in my little universe.[...] He won’t talk to me except to say he’s tired, or busy, promising we’ll talk later, but later never seems to come. Most of the time I sit here waiting for the phone to ring, hoping it’s him and hoping things will be back to normal again. When that doesn’t happen, I go to bed trying not to be depressed about us breaking up and trying not to make plans for my life without him in it.”

So back to ghosting dude. The fear of pulling away only got stronger the more he did it. I‘d dread when I didn’t get replies, because then I would think ‘Is he doing it again? Will I have to wait another three months?’. And before you go “But Eidolon! What a shithead! Why didn’t you leave him be?”, this was happening while I was still living with my mother. He was the only source of nice things and what felt like genuine attention I’d ever had. A starving dog would rather take bread from someone who feeds them once a week than to take bread from someone who beats them. Insert that study about the rats and the lever and how the lever that inconsistently gave rewards was more attractive/addictive than the one that was consistent. Anyway, this part of the book filled me with a tension, a dread I didn’t expect to feel. The new boyfriend, The One, the First Healthy Relationship is obviously going downhill, and nothing is being said about it because ‘what if I ruin it’. The first quote made the pit of my stomach open up, and the second set made me question whether someone was spying on me 6ish years ago. 5/5 on a realness scale. Fuck me up, J.D.

“I can’t lose this man. Whatever is bothering him, whatever problems he has I want to be there for him. I want to be his woman and help him work through them. No matter how difficult, or how impossible things might appear to him, I can and will do anything for Adrian Carter. He has to know this.”

Whoof boy. The determination and blind hope that it IS something that I can deal with, that it isn’t anything huge or life altering, that we can get through this. In the end, the same thing happened in the book that happened to me. He didn’t WANT help, he’d already made up his mind without me (despite previous assurances that SOME kind of communication would happen). I like my current relationship. Everybody actually fucking TALKS, and they TRY, instead of crumpling and giving up like that.

So I’m not quoting this part of the book, otherwise I’d be writing out almost an entire chapter, but what’s basically going on is that the ex husband showed his crusty face and doesn’t get to complete his threat because more people came about to witness him. Anybody who’s been there knows he’ll be back to finish it later. So now Main Character and the new boyfriend sit down, and both say “I have something I need to tell you.” Of course she lets him go first, because she’s desperate to find out what’s going on, fix it, and repair the relationship. But the thing he needs to say is essentially the end of their relationship. So of course she says nothing. This was a little frustrating for me, but I do remember being in a position like that. You don’t ask for anything from someone who’s just hurt you. You’re given the innate knowledge through years and years of experience that the person who just hurt you (no matter the pain) will NOT help you, and might even hurt you more. I get it. I understand. The frustration I feel is the frustration of my loved ones when my feelings don’t line up with reality. The boyfriend is a good man, and probably would have assured MC’s safety before completely leaving. But she feels she has to keep it tucked away. Another unspoken thing is, what if he thinks it’s just a call for attention, a ploy to get him to stay a little longer? What an awful thought. Better not say anything.

“There are other ways, Adrian. Lots of other options, and together, we can come up with some, but we can’t if you walk away from me like this. Don’t walk away from us. Adrian. Please.”

God, did I beg. I did a lot of begging. Maybe not to him, because what if he thought I was pathetic and actually left because of that? But this was said, slower, and with a lot more words, calmer, with a lot less desperation. I was so used to being The Calm One, The Adult, that I thought I just had to navigate through it. Nope. He just crumpled and gave up and refused to do anything except verbally lash himself, and at the very end, I wasn’t going to come to his rescue yet again.

“I’ve got to go, Ruth. I’ll try and call back when I get a chance.” Adrian hangs up, without even saying goodbye. It’s after midnight and Eric’s car is still parked outside.”

This part gave me such dread. Both things were so, so close together. But safety was floating away while danger just crept closer and closer. It was like that nightmare I had about a different boyfriend’s texts getting farther and farther apart, eventually not answering, right before mom entered the dream and did horrible things. *shudder* What a vile and despairing feeling. What a writer.

“Time has a way of dulling the pain and helping me to get over him. I’ve needed big doses of time.[...] Am I supposed to be here waiting for him just in case? That’s no fair. He moved on with his life, and despite all the drama, I’ve moved on with mine.”

So in this part, it’s a bit later and the boyfriend is back, and people are asking the main character to talk to him. She actually does better than I did in this regard, because she just downright refuses to give him the time of day beyond civility. I however kept letting this fucker back in and out like a revolving door (but the boyfriends in question aren’t really comparable, the reasons for leaving are WAY different.)

“I’m afraid to turn around. Afraid I still love him now as much as I did then. I don’t want to see Adrian. I don’t want to hear what he has to say. I’ve worked too hard all these months to turn back. I can’t afford to do that to myself. I owe me more than that. I don’t owe him a damn thing.”

That horrible mix of hope and the need to stand your ground. My own reasons were far less involved in the realm of self-advocacy, I was just bitter and hurt and didn’t want to feel that weak ever again, but by god did I desperately want things to go back to ‘normal’, for things to be better, to have a relationship that I thought we could have if we’d just worked a little harder, did a little more, waiting long enough that we could meet more in person.

And now, for the extra spoilery bit because it’s literally the end of the book:

“Of course I’ll marry you,” I say with tears in my eyes.”

Fucking *EYEROLL*

I get it. I really do. I get that it’s kind of a romance story, I get that she’s doing this entirely for herself and is a part of her self development, but COME ON.

I wanted her to make the opposite decision. I wanted her to be stronger than I was. I wanted her to make him WORK for it, and STILL deny him, because goddamnit he left her, and left her in a dangerous place, (like my own did).

She even goes as far as moving into the goddamn mountains in colorado, in a cabin. That’s my fucking DREAM. To just, physically shun everything that’s ever hurt me, and to be by myself. Even now that I’m in a much better place with much healthier relationships, this is still something I want to do (but with more people involved now).

The shit that Adrian carter says is only slightly less weak than the shit that Eric says. “[I’m here] To fix what’s broken for both of us” “I’m human, baby. I made a choice and it didn’t work out” “I learned a valuable lesson” “It was hard, but I learned that a man needs to go with his gut instinct”

Just fuck off, Adrian Carter. Quit talking about yourself. He just fucking smiles and slithers his way right back in and UGH. And the thought that it would actually WORK between them afterwards just makes me bitter as fuck. Or rather, it makes me feel the bitterness that I already had in me.

Despite the recovery process being so abbreviated, the beats were so similar to my own that I began to look for a catharsis that wasn’t there. Because this story belongs to the writer, and not to me.

Now, fanfiction definitely belongs to me, however. I can certainly write a story about Ruth turning him away to the cold, and further building her own sense of self and maybe making friends with another hermit and discovering more about how she’s running away from her problems and yadda yadda, and THEN reintroduce the boyfriend, who’s actually trying harder this time.

But again, this story belongs to the writer, and not to me.

----------

Thanks for reading this clusterfuck, eventually I’ll get better at this.

Only 296 books to go!

#and on the eigth day she rested #j.d. mason #thelongestlibrary #book review #origin1 #wri1

[vatofrain]

On Winnie the Pooh & Paddington, Honey & Marmalade

Oh, something sweet on bread! To crave only sweet things: marmalade on toast, marmalade straight, another jar of honey. To subsist on sweet spreads and friendship alone: is this not the dream? To be a very nice bear going around the world, making the world (other people! other animals! hell, the weather!) nicer in turn.

My friend K and I have a running metaphor concerning honey. 11pm, on the backroads around a farm near the New York / Connecticut border, as “All the Birds” by Julia Weldon crooned through their beat up speakers, one hand on the wire by the headphone jack to keep the music playing (the wire bent just so)— we were talking about love. We were talking about how we had so much to give but were afraid to give it to anyone for fear that they didn’t want it— which is where the honey comes in, because, we thought, isn’t it like having an armful of honey? So much golden, syrupy sweet to give that we hold on to simply because we are afraid to make of others a sticky mess?

And our arms are not meant to hold viscosity so some of it drips, by accident, onto the grass, the road, someone’s shoe, but when we finally find somebody who says yes, love me, and I will love you too— in whatever capacity it may mean— we start to pour onto them and are afraid that they will stay shit you’re getting sticky all over me I don’t want this I don’t want this anymore. So we hold onto our honey. Though it doesn’t want to be held. You tell me to love you but I’m afraid that you won’t want it once you know what shape it holds. I don’t want to make of anyone a mess they didn’t agree to. There is so much honey in my arms.

A poem on honey and love: “Aunt Rose’s Honey Advice” by Lorna Goodison:

My aunt Rose told me that it is always good for lovers to keep honey mixed in with their food.

"Keep it around the house at all times," she said. Replace slick butter with pure honey on bread.

Feed it to your love from a deep silver spoon. Throw open the curtains draw free honey from the moon.

Use it to lend a gold glow to wan lustreless skin. Fold it into honey cakes, drizzle it into honey drinks.

Add a satin honey glaze to the matte surface of everydays. Voices sing polished with honey's burnishing.

Shall we then beloved become keepers of bees, invite an entire colony of workers, drones and a queen

to build complex multicelled wax cities near our home by the sea? Would that mean that salt

would be savoring through our honey? And you say, "What of it?" and give me a kiss

flavoured with honey and sea-salt mix. Integrated honey you say. Kiss me again is what I say

because the salt in that kiss could be the sting from old tears and we need to make up for all our honeyless years.

Honey as love, honey as effort, honey as a gift that can be both salty and sweet. When I say my love is an armful of honey, what I mean is this: I don’t quite know how to give it out slowly, how to make it just a honeyed piece of bread or a spoonful in the morning. What I mean is this: I am so concerned with its stickiness that I forget how sweet it goes down.

Winnie the Pooh is not a bear concerned with romantic love, but he is a bear concerned with love. Friendship, honey, let me shove my snout into the pot, let me lick out with my long hungry tongue every drop I can manage. Winnie the Pooh is a bear of very great appetite and a bear of very generous loving. His love is a constant loyal warmth, an endless hunger for the presence of the loved, a generosity, a deep and abiding faith. Some exhibitions:

Winnie the Pooh: It's always a sunny day, when Christopher Robin comes to play

Christopher Robin: I've cracked.

Winnie The Pooh: Oh, I don't see any cracks. A few wrinkles, maybe

Piglet: I-I think I'll just s-stay here... Y-you don't really need me anyways.

Winnie The Pooh: Oh Piglet... but we DO need you...

Piglet: Y-you do?

Winnie The Pooh: [takes Piglet's hand] We ALWAYS need you, Piglet.

Christopher Robin: I'm not the person I used to be.

Winnie The Pooh: You saved us. You're a hero.

Christopher Robin: I'm not a hero, Pooh. The fact is, I'm lost.

Winnie The Pooh: But I found you.

Pooh is not only hungry for honey; he’s generous with it. His actual physical honey may be a kind of love he keeps for his own consumption (I don’t feel very much like Pooh today / There, there, I’ll bring you tea and honey until you do), there is no denying the very greatness of his heart. His care for his friends (we ALWAYS need you, Piglet) his faith in them (you’re a hero), his devotion and love, the way his life is crafted around loving: is that not its own doling out of honey? So, then, with Pooh we learn that honey is not something to hide from the world: that while we should be mindful of human dignities like boundaries and agency, there is little to be gained in the rationing of love.

And here we come to another bear who doles out love like something only slightly thicker than water.: Paddington. While Pooh’s essential task is love, Paddington’s is kindness, that cousin of honey, both products of both effort and patience, both sweet & sweet & sweet & delicious on bread. While Pooh’s is the story of loving those we already love, Paddington’s is the story of how to offer kindness and compassion and respect and dignity to those we don’t yet know. Pooh tells us how to live and love within our inner circle; Paddington tells us to offer love wherever we go.

Some exhibitions of Marmaladeism, both by Paddington himself and his films at large:

Paddington Bear: if we're kind and polite the world will be right.'

Paddington: Thank you, Mr. McGinty. Nuckles McGinty: Don’t thank me yet. I don’t do nothing for no one for nothing. Paddington: Beg your pardon? Nuckles McGinty: You get my protection so long as you make that marmalade. Deal? Paddington: Deal.

& how through Paddington’s kindness, McGinty’s perspective changes:

Nuckles McGinty: [to Paddington] If you’re going to clear your name, you’re going to need our help.

Nuckles McGinty: “This bear is now under my protection. Anyone that touches a hair on this bear will have to answer to me, Nuckles McGinty. That’s Nuckles with a capital N.”

Henry Brown: No, of course you don't. YOU never have! As soon as you set eyes on that bear you made up your mind about him. Well Paddington's not like that. He looks for the good in all of us and somehow, he finds it! It's why he makes friends wherever he goes. And it's why Windsor Gardens is a happier place whenever he's around. He wouldn't hesitate if any of us needed help! So stand aside, Mr Curry. 'Cause we're coming through.

Aunt Lucy: Long ago, people in England sent their children by train with labels around their necks, so they could be taken care of by complete strangers in the country side where it was safe. They will not have forgotten how to treat strangers.

While both Paddington movies are completely wonderful, Paddington 2 is more effective in communicating its point: through a surprisingly nuanced look at the prison industrial complex, capitalism, and the insidious nature of evil (and how it roots from believing oneself superior to everyone else), it tells us that by offering people kindness, human dignity, compassion, and even love, we can often coax out their better selves from the protective shell of their worse ones.

These are times like any other: by which I mean, times in which we often learn the correct rhetoric, the correct stances, the correct politics, the correct opinions, and forget what all this is meant to be in service of: honey & marmalade, love & kindness. We speak out against prejudice (racism, sexism, classism, ableism, prejudice against LGBTQ people, etc.) rightly so— I don’t mean to say that we should stop activism or protest or a careful monitoring of language— but we must remember what we do this all for. Yes, structural change is crucial. What else is important? Treating the people you come across who are of these minorities we claim to support and defend well, treating them with kindness, with compassion, loving them well, as they need and want to be loved. Large-scale rhetoric is shaky and doomed if it doesn’t come from some deeper, sweeter instinct to ensure we are all fed: in food, in shelter, in education, in joy, in honey & marmalade. Let us not forget this.

I think we need to watch more kids’ movies. I think we need to reteach ourselves the fundamentals. I think it’s a goddamn shame that kids’ movies are dismissed as uncomplicated and unimportant, that wonder, hope, naivete, whimsy, charm, warmth, sweetness (those 2 secret sauces) are not granted the same gravitas as misery and grittiness, that there is somehow nothing important to say about them, that only cynicism and brutality are intelligent. One is not smarter for being miserable. One is not smarter for their pessimism. One is not smarter, is not better, is not more morally responsible or ethically aware or more worldly for refusing to place in their mouth a piece of bread spread with something sweet, for refusing to say yes, this is , in Leslie Jamison’s words (again, I know) significant, this“ single note of honey”.

#winnie the pooh #k #paddington bear #paddington 2 #christopher robin #honey #love #reflections #cultural criticism #marmalade #leslie jamison

[saturninefilms]

Thank God They Can’t

if these hands could talk, they’d never stop.  about the way the trees in seattle felt and the slope of her ass as her olive frame shook berries from the roots. and the  glass bottles, the plastic cups, the hand-rolled cigarettes and those  sweaty palms. how nervous she was to get a chance at you, like you were really something.  you really did a number on her, really fooled that girl. and that’s what they’d  say to me.  they’d say, remember the dark-skinned girl and the pale-skinned girl and the latin girl that barely spoke a word of english?  remember how you didn’t need words? they’d say to me, do you recall the night that you fucked in the back  of the Taurus, how cramped it was and the bruise that  the child safety lock left right above the vein that resembled an eighth-note? remember that? and i’d say, quiet you.  calm down. don’t remind me. if these hands could talk, they’d never stop.  about the thousands of cigarettes and the women that complained about kissing an ash tray, like they hadn’t seen me smoking an endless stream of them and didn’t have the choice not to do so.  in fact, as my hands would surely suggest, maybe that’s what attracted them to begin  with and that’s really something. remember the girl that said you reminded her of her dad?  and how she asked you to slap her in the mouth and tell her how worthless she was and how your stupid mouth just couldn’t do it? remember how  she called you a buzzkill two seconds after calling you daddy and remember how strange that was?  remember how she left her underwear behind?  remember that? and i’d say, quiet you. calm down.  don’t remind me.

if these hands could talk, they’d never stop. about the girl with thick thighs, how she warned you that she’d crush your goddamn head and she drank whiskey by the pint and dated a buddy, but you were drunk enough that you didn’t feel guilty sliding off her lace panties and testing her theory, how disappointed you were down there, how you could still hear her northward, and how you thought, “these legs are really just for show,” and how she pretended, too and how you saw your buddy the next night out and empathized with him when she disappeared with somebody new.  how you said to him, “man you need  to dump that bitch.  she’s  a goddamn liar.” and how you were both lying and telling the truth at the same time. remember that? if these hands could talk, they’d never stop.  about the piss-filled streets in New Orleans and that girl that sucked you off in the bathroom of that no-name bar, how you visited every strip club on the block and every last stripper took the palm and rubbed it against them saying, “boy you’re lucky” and how your stupid mind was offended that nobody was saying it to the girl beside you.  you were too young to realize that men are never told this and there is an empowering society within womanhood that you would never understand, but you envied it and you wondered how nice it would be to see one of your friends and tell him something nice.  but that wasn’t allowed and so, you finished the night and you took the girl back home and then you went back to the strip club and the stripper asked, where did your girlfriend go and the only response that you could muster was a faint, who? and she smiled, offered you a free dance in the next room and never mentioned her again. and remember how you thought, it’s quite alarming to know that empowerment is so fucking incredibly superficial? remember that?

if these hands could talk, they’d never stop. remember traveling eastward on a bullet train toward the most beautiful woman in the world?  remember how anxious you were, how sweaty these palms became when she appeared from the ether and remember how in love you were how foolish you were?  remember taking all of her luggage and throwing it on the lawn, pointing an index finger toward the door and screaming at her to get the fuck out of your house?  remember how she lingered in your town like some kind of infestation and how you have to pretend, even to this very day that your friends are actually your friends and wouldn’t pull some shit if given the chance? remember taking her to those house parties and watching her dance and tell people that you weren’t her boyfriend? remember how bad you wanted to smash all their faces in?  remember the scar on the left-hand knuckle, when you walked into the bathroom and, after seeing your disheveled face in the mirror, couldn’t help but bash the fucking thing to oblivion?  remember leaving with these hands in your pocket so nobody would see the blood? remember that?  and i’d say, quiet you.  calm down.  don’t remind me. if these hands could talk, they’d never stop. remember how the blisters felt after a night of drumming?  remember how these fingertips felt before you ruined them with guitar strings and cigarettes butts?  remember all those endless nights and those nights that ended too soon and how there are so many poems that you have yet to write and so many that you wish you could and so many that you wish you hadn’t?  remember how in love you felt? no?  me either, but it was a nice feeling, surely, or you wouldn’t have done the things you have done.  and  remember the girl in seventh grade that held your hand while she was kissing somebody else and you do know how ironic that is, right?  how, deep down, that is a culmination of your entire life and it’s just the same story told over and over again with different faces, different hands, different locations, but the outcome is always the same? if these hands could talk, I would cut the fucking things clean off.

#poem #poetry

[robo-cryptid]

Robo, How Do You Write So Much/Fast?

Sooo, I keep getting this question and occasionally people asking for advice, which is a weird position to be in because I just kinda do my thing. But since I know well the need to just know how other people do it, I can list a few things.

Caveat 1: literally all writing advice beyond actually write it is pretty fast and loose. Not everything works for everyone. These are not rules, just the shit I was taught and/or picked up along the way.

Caveat 2: I have anxiety and possibly attention issues (still working through this) among other shit going on in my brain, and I do not freaking sleep. None of these are particularly ideal scenarios, but writing silly ass (and sometimes more serious) fanfic gives me time to sit and focus in a non-stressful way. Anyway, the point is that productivity and quantity are not really all that aspirational on their own so just. Do what makes you happy and try not to stress yourself out where you can avoid it.

But in case you were asking for some other reason, here you go.

Reasonably Non-Shitty Writing Advice Some Asshole(s) Drilled Into My Head at Some Point in My Life

All writing is writing. Lots of people have weird romantic ideas about writing -- probably because we have this cultural image of Writers as like, people who sit around moping and/or frantically scribbling, weird loner-geniuses waiting for inspiration and blah blah blah -- but honestly, if you are putting pen to paper or fingertips to keyboards/screens, you are writing. Texting is writing, emailing is writing, jotting down recipes is writing, and posting your weirdo head canons on Tumblr is writing. You’re already writing. Get used to it. It can make the Big Writing you wanna do come easier if you know you’ve been writing all day anyway. Point 1 matters for Points 2 and 3.

Remind yourself why you like writing. Remind yourself of writing you have done that you’ve actually enjoyed. It doesn’t matter if you’ve never written a fic or a poem or whatever before; go look at old text messages or email exchanges that were fun for you. Go read that recipe you wrote down. Whatever it was that was enjoyable. Do more of that thing you liked, and you’ll do more writing in general. 

Nothing “exists” if you haven’t written it down. You won’t remember it later. The story won’t magically spring forth fully formed just because you’ve worked it all out in your head. I know several pros who will obnoxiously tell you that “writing is thinking on paper” and it is infuriating mostly because it’s correct. So again, post your weird head canons and plot ideas to Tumblr, text it to someone from your phone, message somebody, or do the old fashioned thing and make actual notes to yourself. Consider them memos that you can later collect to turn into a story. The more you do this, the more efficient you get at just getting it out.

There is no such thing as something that’s perfectly written. Done is better than perfect. I feel like a lot of us get this advice somewhere along the way, whether it’s about school assignments or work tasks, but it applies to writing, too. Especially when it comes to fanfic and such, you can edit it later. It’s fine. Just get it out and put it out there (if you want to put it out there) and know you accomplished it. Think of the best goddamn writer you’ve ever read; that person absolutely, unquestionably has made writing mistakes, or flinched looking at things they wish they’d edited a little more, or whatever. If they’re a Real Published Author, those mistakes are even more permanent, and lolllll, sucks to be them right? Fan authors have it way easier.

Be humane to yourself. This is kind of related to Point 4, but it’s worth making its own point. Don’t set wildly unrealistic goals for yourself. Notice that I didn’t tell you to write every day (even if I’ve confessed that I mostly do), because that’s not always feasible. Don’t sit and write only in like 8-hour marathons either, though. Write when you can and take breaks when you can. If it feels good to have accomplished something (another reason I post so often), post it. Let people know it’s incomplete and do it anyway, or post an excerpt. If you feel too vulnerable posting until it feels finished, revisit Point 4 but it’s okay to sit on it for a little while. Give yourself little markers of progress, and forgive yourself if you didn’t “get enough done.”

Other Weird Shit I Do That Might (Or Might Not) Work for You

I’ve mentioned this before, but it ties in with “all writing is writing”: I write on my phone. A lot. I just open a Tumblr draft and text my little heart out. (Anyone who’s ever texted with me knows how I can just babble paragraphs of nonsense way too fast? Yes. I do that. But with stories.) It helps get past any lingering anxieties about the evil blank Word document.

I don’t always bother with juicy description right away. Sometimes, if I’m really in the right zone I will. But most of the time I just write “this happened and then this happened and then this happened.” (You can actually see this in my finished products still. There is a reason they all move at a clip and have only perfunctory scenery.) This works for me for two reasons: I get it all out, which is pretty dang important. But it’s also just a “style” or “preference” thing; I am not a writer who does magical shit with atmosphere or loving, sumptuous descriptions of the world around you. Those writers are amazing and I read plenty of them, and if that’s who you want to be, please do it because I will read the shit out of it. But when I’m writing I’m just taking you from point A to B and possibly shooting off a dumb one-liner here about fingers in butts here and there. I’ll slow down long enough to wallow in some feelings, but I just don’t have the patience to Tolkien up my shit, and especially not in a first draft. Even if you want to Tolkien it up, getting the point A to point B stuff out first can help.

I read anything serious aloud, especially voices, especially McCree’s voice. But I have a bit of a Southern accent and grew up in the South so this comes pretty naturally to me. This could be an entirely separate post, but I actually don’t recommend reading McCree’s voice in the accent if you do not have a Southern accent, because lots of people who don’t already have one and try kind of suck at it, lol. But. I’ll read it in my accent (or McCree’s) and ask “does this sound like a natural thing that could come out of a real person’s mouth?” first, then “would X actually say this?” second. (Seriously, if you’re not sure or comfortable, you really don’t have to write the accent. We’ll probably hear it anyway, because that voice is Distinctive, bless Matthew Mercer, and McCree talking without droppin’ all his Gs is less distracting than what happens when it gets overexaggerated and fails.)

I shamelessly change my mind all the time. It’s alright. Sometimes I’ve written a scene that, by the time I’ve gotten to it, doesn’t work for the characters any more. Which is actually totally fine. It’s just a puzzle to solve, and maybe that scene can be salvaged for something else later.

I have zero shame and post my drabbles with bare minimum editing. This probably sounds like I don’t care or whatever, but it’s really just a matter of prioritizing the “get it done” and “sense of accomplishment” parts of writing over it being totally flawless. Writing is always a little bit vulnerable, whether it’s because you’re “exposing your id” (as I’ve complained about before) or you feel really connected to a piece or you’re just worried how it’ll be received. Exposing yourself to that vulnerability over and over is a pretty meaningful thing to do. You’ll get better at it.

Speaking of drabbles: they are excellent for writing warm-ups or generating longer fic ideas. And they’re fun. And they’re good practice for thinking through a beginning-middle-end without a lot of stress. Most of the time, though, I just think about them as jokes (even the serious ones): you’re just building up to the punchline. Longer fic can’t just build to a single punchline or Moment, it has to have several of varying sizes and complexities, so writing drabbles can be really freeing from that experience. (Plus I get to interact with people and their ideas, which I love.)

Thus concludes this ridiculously long post that I thought would only have 2 whole points, but I like writing and am shameless and change my mind about things all the time. So now you have this. I hope it helps someone, but I Am Not An Expert and just remember that none of the advice or my practices are things you have to do. Mostly all you have to do is enjoy it.

#writing about writing #please ignore all the typos in my writing advice post lollllll #writing resources

[rainbowitup]

Long Live

It’s a typical Friday afternoon, and I’m in the car on the way to pick up McDonald’s for lunch. There’s construction on the overpass, which means traffic is backed up and barely moving at all. But all of that is okay because today when I got in the car, I chose to listen to Taylor Swift’s Speak Now album. Couldn’t even tell you why, other than it just struck me like it was a good idea.

So I listen to Better Than Revenge, then Dear John, and then Long Live comes on. And I’ve always had this strange connection with this song - something about the melody or the instruments or something has always kind of pulled at me. 

And today, it brought me to tears. And it’s funny, because really, Long Live is about Taylor and her band, and how after years of being made fun of and laughed at by other musicians and critics, they finally made it. And I mean, I’m happy in life - with my friendships, with my marriage, my children, my home, my hobbies, and my job - but I haven’t made it. I’m not famous. This song shouldn’t resonate with me so deeply. I really don’t relate to the story she’s telling. Except I kinda do. Let me tell you why.

I said, “Remember this moment,” in the back of my mind. The time we stood with our shaking hands...

I was in Chicago and at my first ever Supernatural convention. I was in a line up in the hallway standing with hundreds of other Misha Collins fans, but I was alone because I didn’t know a single one of them. Turns out that didn’t matter. When I finally got into the room could see that I was actually standing in the same room as Misha Collins I couldn’t contain my excitement, and after literally flailing, the girl in front of me joined in and we became fast friends.

My hands were shaking. My heart was beating so erratically I felt like my chest was vibrating. I couldn’t feel my legs, and I was sweating profusely. It was the most excited/nervous/petrified I have ever been in my entire life, and I’ll remember that moment for as long as I live.

I said, “Remember this feeling.” I passed the pictures around...

In Toronto, at my second Supernatural convention, I was sitting alone and knew from prior experience it would be so much more fun if I made friends with the people I was sitting with. I’d be sitting with them all weekend, after all! So I did. I remember it started when somebody on stage made a mean (but harmless) joke about Misha, and I booed - loudly. The girls next to me nodded in agreement, and that was it, we were friends. After every op, we’d grab our pictures and then run back to our seats to share them with each other. We’d point out what we liked and what we didn’t. We’d go over every word, every look, every second of what it felt like to be close to our favorite people and we knew that we understood each other’s excitement and passion. We had found our people.

And it’s the same online after every convention. I sit and stare at pictures of my friends with their favorite people for way longer than I should. I listen enthusiastically and yell in all caps when they tell me about THE LOOK Misha gave them right before the picture was taken, or when Rob said, “Nice to see you again,” or what it felt like to have Jared’s giant body wrapped around them.

We pass the pictures around enthusiastically in this fandom.

I was screaming, "Long live the look on your face!"

It was one of my first ever photo ops, and it happened with Kim Rhodes and Briana Buckmaster. I wasn’t even huge fans of them at the time (BUT I AM NOW) but man, I was still excited. The best part for me during this op wasn’t meeting the famous people, though. It was sharing this op with my online-turned-real-life best friend, Michelle. We live in different countries, but I flew to Chicago and we roomed together. And Michelle was a huge fan of Kim and Bri. We had our photo op, which was one big squishy hug for the four of us, and while I thought it was fun and screamed at Kim and Bri how pretty they both were, Michelle was star struck. I can still see her face as clear as day in my mind today, a year later. She had tears in her eyes, and she was doing her damnedest not to cry, but the joy and awe she felt were broad casted all over her face. I loved her then and I love her now, and this is what I thought of when I heard that line today. “Long live the look on your face.” If I could create a world where she was that happy every single day, I would do it in a heartbeat.

This is what really got the tears flowing though: Can you take a moment? Promise me this: that you’ll stand by me forever. But if God forbid, fate should step in and force us into a goodbye... If you have children some day, when they point to the pictures, please tell them my name. Tell them how the crows went wild. Tell them how I hope they shine.

I have made friendships through Supernatural that I know will last a lifetime, but I’ve also made friendships that are strong and fulfilling in this moment that I know will not last forever. Because some of them are based solely on the fact that we are enamoured by the same show and the same people who are in the show - and that’s okay. Not every friendship is going to last forever. But that doesn’t make it any less meaningful.

So when I think about eventually losing touch with some of the people I spend so much time talking to now, this is what I think about. Please tell them my name. Tell them how I hope they shine. Because, God, even if I never talk to you again, you have no idea how deeply I want good, beautiful, long and shiny lives for you and your children. For the people you love dearest.

I hope one day when you’re old and grey, you find these dusty photo ops that we paid an obscene amount of money for, and you show your kids. I hope you tell them how awesome it was to squeeze our favorite people, and I hope you still smile about it thirty years from now. But more than that, I hope you point me out. I hope you show them who I am, and that you have a funny story to tell them about a time I made you laugh, or maybe a story about when you had a really bad day and I popped online at the right time and was able to make you smile instead. I hope you tell them about my kids, and funny things they said, and I hope you know that no matter how many years it’s been since we’ve talked that I will stand by you forever.

And I was screaming, "Long live all the magic we made!"

Listen, a lot of you create. You create art, and stories, and music, and poems. Your minds are unbelievable, and I spend a large chunk of my time sitting here wondering how I’ve become friends with some of the brightest, sharpest minds I’ve ever known. You help make the things I create better. You put feelings into words, give love to characters who need it, make fantasies become reality, and you support one another every single day whenever we do it. We share, and comment, and recommend what we love to other people who might love it, too. We might not love these characters or ship these two people together forever, but fuck if I don’t think of you guys when I hear: long live the magic we made. Because we have made magic, and we made it together.

And lastly: I had the time of my life fighting dragons with you.

We’re not going to be this passionate about this TV show forever. We’re not going to rewatch the same 400 episodes (TULPA) enough to re-watch them and analyze them and GIF them and make up headcanons about the things that are never explained properly for the rest of our lives. We might love it forever, but it won’t always be exactly like this. There won’t always be conventions. There won’t always be opportunities to hop on a plane to go watch our favorite band play together. There won’t always be another new fan fiction story to read and discuss.

But for the record, for however long this phase of my life lasts, goddamn did I have the time of my life with you guys. You helped me discover who I am. What makes my blood start pumping. You helped me learn things about myself I never would have learned if it wasn’t for a TV show. You made me love who I am, exactly the way that I am. You showed me that friendship between two people can be deep and fulfilling even when we’re not in the same country. You have made me laugh more in the last two years than I’ve laughed in the last twenty, and I’m not exaggerating.

You have yelled for me when a picture of my favorite person literally made me breathless. You have watched me cry when I didn’t get the experience I hoped for during an autograph session. You have spent days being my tour guide in New York City. You’ve invited me into your home. You’ve spent hours creating art for stories I’ve written just because you wanted to. You’ve sent me songs that made you think about my characters - and you were so spot on I cried. You’ve sent me birthday cards and gift baskets and even wrote me porn. You held my hand virtually when my aunt was diagnosed with cancer and all throughout the years she was fighting it. You pretended to care when I vented about shit you had no idea what I was even talking about. You’ve had my back and fought my battles when I wasn’t strong enough to do it myself. You pushed me into doing something I was afraid to do, and the payback was enormous. Your wit, your GIFs, your minds, and your commentary have brightened my life exponentially in ways I will never be able to express.

In a nutshell: I’ve had the time of my life with you.

Long live, you guys. Long live all of this and all of you.

#Supernatural #fandom #bffs #taylor swift #long live

[mercisnm]

some rant because i am high on coffee again

So today i came a cross that twitter thread where a lady wrote little notes in one of Charles Bukowski books. She was having none of his shit, and it was hilarious, link here (x) for a good laugh.

If you want to hear a rant about Bukowski click on, but I just need to get it off my mind.

Now please feel free to have a go at me if you feel like it but I am either ignorant or uneducated enough to never having encountered this dude's writing, and since a lot of people were defending him in retweets and comments despite the excerpts from that book of his sounding downright revolting, I went searching some of his poems/quotes. My thoughts after 30 minutes of googling? Was this Bukowski dude bad? Yes. As an artist or as a human being? Yes.

Now imho there is not a thing wrong with literary works being vulgar and raw and toxic and I also have zero problem reading such things but, this dude was just, boring? Sometimes he made sense, I dare say he got some lines even, because I am also a sad and pathetic little shit so whatever sad pathetic little shit mood he was on about I partially get it, but his attitude was off-putting and sometimes laughable to me. This dude was literally a walking version of "I am not like other girls" except he was too goddamn misogynistic it's "I am not like other guys". Plus he actually said it.

I mean just look at this edgelord. And for every line of him that makes sense to me I have to go through ten of these shallow edgy Scheiße. No imagery, no rhythm, no sign that this man could tell between prose and verse. I can see why people would vibe with his energy (what else would they vibe with though, sure as heck not his artistic accomplishments because there were none to be found), and it seems like it is his spirit, his drinking smoking fucking and being raw about it, that people have cheered for. Alas but drinking smoking fucking is not my coping mechanism, so I cannot cheer for any of that.

And as a person he was nothing to feel any attachment to either: spoilers: he abused women in real life as well. Does being depressed justify being an arsehole? No my friends, the answer is always no. On a fleeting thought I did propose Bukowski could be entertaining if one can read him as satire, and maybe he was? Satire about misogynists? However satire requires wit, and I could not find anything witty about him either. Satire also requires calling attention to social/political problems, and this dude was just a big narcissist. Please send me something where he was remotely witty or socially relatable, and I might change my mind.

Then somebody told me, try Henry Miller (because apparently they were both famous, or infamous? for being misogynists). I googled that too because yeah sure two misogynists being famous I need to know why. It is GOOD to know why people read misogynists' writings (right?) This Miller dude was at least not so much of an edgelord, seemed to write with better command of the English language, and overall stomach-able, although imho his writing was not above mediocre either.

And then that certain somebody told me "he thought in order to pursue pleasure, incest was fine (for men)"

Still unfazed, I went googling on that as well.

And man.

Oh man.

Came the hot mess that was Anais Nin.

At this point I realized maybe it was not me being ignorant or uneducated, it was me being lucky, that I never once bothered to read about this bunch.

It was under 10 seconds of scrolling did it dawn on me that the "incest" she wrote about in her books was indeed NOT metaphorical.

Flashback to the time I worked intern for this archive that bought and stored and exhibited F**x*s artworks and they happened to have a number of books needed sorting and I built a library system for them. Among all the hot takes in their collection I can remember clearly Anais Nin was one of them, Antonin Artaud another. I cannot recall anymore if Bukowski or Miller was also among the books I had to categorize but Nin and Artaud were certainly there. In fact my colleagues back then encouraged me to read those books even. I did not, or more accurately I did not have the chance to, read those books before I bowed out from that internship.

Until it came back to me today and that's my day ruined.

I have no interest in reading a so-hailed "feminist" that fucked her own dad.

Nor a misogynist that cannot be arsed to try to be better.

------

The whole incident with Nin today takes me back to that intern time. The collection of books I worked on categorizing did have plenty of hot takes. I picked up the Cantos from Ezra Pound for my then boss recommended him so, got hooked and appreciated the dude a whole lot. I mean he got words? I mean he read East Asian poetry and quoted 论语 isn't that a good sign? Apparently, no, because the dude who popularized Tang poetry and haiku poems was also enthusiastically a fascist. I was more cautious with my colleagues' reading recommendations afterwards.

"If I knew a fascist was a great poet, I'd shoot him anyway."

Enough googling for one day.

#personal rant

[halfblood-fiend]

My First Words- The Cringe Poetry Era

Because of thesecondsealwrite’s amazing posts about her past writing, and her second Tumblr anniversary celebration, I decided to join in on the fun. I will impart on you some of my first words over the course of these 10 days and you can see the completely awful and totally terrible journey to becoming the writer I am today.

Now, I am notorious for keeping everything ever and that is doubly so for my stories. The problem, though? This time last year my family was supposed to have moved and apparently I was the only one who got the memo. So all my stuff is packed away and locked in storage. So I’m pretty sure that’s where all the old stuff is, I’m talkin’ the shameless self-inserts, the copious Mary-Sues, the cringiest of cringe poetry, the erotic to a 13-year-old Halo/Eragon/Chronicles of Riddick/Harry Potter crossovers, and the literal mountains of fanfiction about Snape, sometimes with students (yes...I am very guilty of that, hang me please).

However, I did manage to scrounge up some stuff from a journal that didn’t get packed because it’s still a quarter blank and, for some reason, I seem to always intend to keep diaries the way I used to back in my middle school/early high school days.

I deliberated for a while about how to post them. I wondered if I should post scans or if I should write my own modern commentary all over said scans but I settled for simply typing them exactly as they are, sloppy grammar and shitty spelling intact. If anyone wants to see the scans, I will post them because you really miss out on a whole hot mess of awful doodles and chicken scratches as well as the worst formatting bs you’ve ever seen (probably).

So, I placed it under a read more because I don’t think anyone wants a whiny 12-year-old on their dash, but the following is me, and my very 12-year-old problems, totally unedited.

Bullshit

Why should I care? Give me a reason and I might stay. Stay friends? Ha! Don't you remember? It was you who dumpped me. So why are you asking my forgivnes? It should be me, shouldn't it? But stop, listen. Do you hear me begging? No. Because I'm fed up. Tired of the bullshit. Sick of the same Goddamned scene. Aquatences, pehaps. But never again friends.

You’re smoking something if you thought I wasn’t gonna have commentary on this shit...

Okay so, god awful spelling, worse content. Yet SOMEHOW I remember that nearly every single poem I wrote around this time period was about/related to/because of boys. Gotta love those middle school hormones. I really don’t know whether to laugh or cry but, it get’s better...

Lonley Valentine

Another Valentine's day Come and gone. Yet another hopeless year. I've never had a Valentine. Never in my life. Unless you count my parents; this thought gives me much strife. I've only five boyfriends And they never last too long. Theres always someone else they like more because apparenly I'm wrong. Most people would label me a loner. to whitch I'm pretty sure they're right. 'Cause I've never had a Valentine and I suck it up with all my might I hear that people say that to love another one must first love themelves. This is what I say to them, "Shut up you mother fucker!"

"Shut up you mother fucker!” Aaaaaand she sticks the landing!

Look my least favorite part about this trainwreck is the very forced lines and hence rhyming? Other than that, I hate all of it. I also just LOVE how 12-year-old Madison thought life revolved around Valentine’s Day and like...having somebody. I guess that even modern Madison feels that way since most of my content is thinly veiled romance. I guess some things never change.

I’d also like to adress that “only five boyfriends” part because it sticks out in my mind... I’m pretty sure that at this middle school age, I’m even counting those “relationships” that were like, “Joey held my hand one time at recess” or something because I can tell you right now FIVE is...not true? Not even remotely accurate? I also love the “ONLY five boyfriends” part as if it was some kind of competition and even with five I was losing... badly, as my beautiful poem illustrates.

Untitled

Help me out. Out of my never ending pit. Help me someone. I'm falling to abiss; please someone.   What does it matter? Like the useless raindrops that patter I'm no longer there. No longer where?   People ignore me falling to black. Help me please Throw me a rope, lend me a hand   I realize theres no turning back, Nothing but black. I'm falling to oblivion, no longer real I wish I was as invisible as you make me feel   Falling faster. No way back, only down. No one to pull me up Just falling; just nothingness.   When I snag on a branch, it breaks Then falling again faster, faster.   Lonesome death only. Nobody. No turning back. Just fading to black.

Now, I did NOT read the journal entry that “went” with this poem because my brain literally could not handle it, so I don’t know what context all this blackness is in. Pretty sure it’s just a metaphor for my life, or, judging by previous content, I had a crush on some dude that looked at me for a whole five seconds one time in science class and then it turned out that he didn’t like like me.

ALSO! WARNING! Past Madison did this awful thing where she liked to incorporate her favorite lyrics into her own poetry and give no credit whatsoever. In fact, sometimes she even claimed they were hers. She just...took em. I honestly couldn’t tell you why. I die a little every time I see that shit. So, if you didn’t catch it, the line “I wish I was as invisible as you make me feel” belongs to Fall Out Boy and their song The Pros and Cons of Breathing. Thanks guys, tell your writers they did well capturing the spirit middle school angst.

You know...in that packed box of papers there is an entire typed, printed, and bound copy of every poem I ever wrote in middle school. I titled it “Emo Chronicles” and actually turned that shit in for a school project and got compliments AND a grade for it (Yikes!!). And I’m sorta glad that all I could find were these three poems for two reasons A) I don’t think I could have handled reading an entire volume of this type of thing and B) I would have probably picked out the ones I was still sorta proud of, so here you go. There is no bias here, whatsoever.

I just wish I could go back in time and give this poor confused girl a cookie and a hug. Maybe not the cookie, actually, because this sad girl was constantly destroyed by her mother over her weight with merciless precision. Still, she could use a hug and I would tell her, “Boys are stupid and are a huge waste of time, bro.” Then I’d walk into the sunset. And then this girl would go home and write some poetry about it. She’d probably think it was very deep and existential.

I actually continued to write poetry well into high school but it petered off around my Junior year and I haven’t touched it since. Honestly, because of all this mess, it leaves a bad taste in my mouth. I know that all this crap is a literal skeleton in my closet and I almost feel like I never want to open that door ever again.

So if you read this far, THANK YOU for not unfollowing and blocking me instantly! Lmao. Yeah, it’s bad, but the only way to get good is to slog through some utter shit and I really think that this era of my writing career is my utter shit (yes, I even believe that insane crossover is better than this).

#my first words #cringe poetry #middle school #I will now go and write something good to remind myself I am NOT THIS GIRL ANYMORE #REEEEEEE #Fiend writes #god I almost don't want this in my writing tag #but it's a part of meeeee #throwback to when I was awful #I have come so dang far...

[a-slightcatchoflightning]

10, 20, 30, 40, 50, 60, 70, 80 and 75 x

Q10) Do you believe in love at first sight?

Sorry to be a non-romantic, but actually no I don’t. I think you can be drawn towards someone, but you really gotta build it up...

Q20) Do you shower everyday?

RIGHT LET ME TELL YOU!!!!

I shower every day because if I don’t I just kinda freak out, and it pisses people off so bad because I’ll just leave slap bang in the middle of a conversation to go and clean myself, whether it be a shower, to brush my teeth or something else. I don’t know I’m the worst person ever just ignore me : )

Q30) Haveyou ever considered plastic surgery? If so, what would you change about yourbody?

I don’t think I’d do plastic surgery, though there’s loads I’d change about my body.

Q40) Have you ever written a song or poem for somebody?

Damnn, I can’t remember... I know I’ve been trying recently? (If I’ve ever written something for you pls don’t be offended)

Q50) Isthere a boy/girl who you would do absolutely everything for?

Laurie’s genderneutral and I’d do anything for them (that wasn’t harmful to either of us). I’m open to doing a lot for people so idk...

Q60) Whatis the biggest age difference between you and any of your partners? 

Laurie and I have just over 3 years between us.

Q70) Whatturns you on

I’m sex-repulsed and ace, but goddamn don’t touch my hair.

Q75) What’sthe sweetest thing anyone’s ever done for you? 

Um............ there are a few things? Idk I’ll list them

Quite possibly saved my life by answering an ask about self harm and giving me courage to ask a friend to tell a teacher about it because Im a wuss. Also the friend for doing that for me cheers you guys are absolute lads. (can you feel the awkward here???)

Telling me they love me every day

Holding my hand gently

Q80) Whenwas the last time you told someone you loved them?

*coughcough* 5 minutes ago?

Thanks for the questions nonie xx

[celticnoise]

There are occasionally articles in the Scottish press so cringe inducing that I honestly read them with an open mouth, amazed that anyone ever thought they were of publishable standard.

Sometimes I laugh.

At other times I am aghast because I know there are good writers out there, kids coming up in the trade, who could do a real job at a national title but who can’t get a break because somebody thinks a gurning halfwit who can barely write in complete sentences is a better bet.

This is how national titles die.

This embrace of mediocrity.

Gary Ralston’s article today in The Record was not mediocre.

It fell so far below that standard, that line, that it almost defies belief.

Editors on blogs would have balked at publishing something so devoid of a single positive element. It was appalling.

I am a major film fan, as my vast collection of movies attests to. I have seen the greatest films in the history of the cinema, but I am a connoisseur of the art itself and to truly appreciate greatness you have to spend many, many, many hours watching dreck.

There are movies that are bad, and you can live with that because they find a way to be entertaining in their awfulness; one of the best films of recent years, The Disaster Artist, was about the making of just such a film, the notorious Hollywood cult hit The Room, made by a madcap figure named Tommy Wiseau, and so dreadful that there is a kind of demented brilliance about it.

I’ve seen both The Disaster Artist and The Room, and one is a masterpiece and the other, as the title of the better films suggests, is a disaster piece, but I have a place in my heart for them both, although one was made with enormous talent, wit and vision and the other is a shambles of epic proportions … but it was made with great passion and even love.

This is why it still has an audience today.

But there are films which are genuinely awful, and even having them on for five minutes is like an assault on your state of mind and those films insult me on a level deeper than mere frustration and anger can touch. They scream their badness in your face like a drunk idiot in a bar who’s trying to start a fight with everybody. Ralston’s article has the same effect.

The greatest film critic of all time, Roger Ebert, could have been writing about Ralston’s piece when he penned these excoriating words; “(It) doesn’t scrape the bottom of the barrel. (It) isn’t the bottom of the barrel. (It) isn’t below the bottom of the barrel. (It) doesn’t deserve to be mentioned in the same sentence with barrels.”

Ralston’s article was written as if he nipped out for a pee or something and a rabid, gibbering Morelos fan-boy sat down at his computer and started to type.

Perhaps Ralston just failed to notice that his article was already written when he came back; perhaps he was grateful at not having to do any real work.

But how he missed the copious amounts of drool and saliva that must have coated his keyboard I do not know.

I hope he had it cleaned afterwards.

Entitled, “Alfredo Morelos and the disgusting Rangers abuse his rivals will dish out to rile him up” you can tell from the headline – which is like English translated into German into Swiss into Swahili and then back into English again – that this is not going to reach Ebert’s Pulitzer Prize winning standards.

It doesn’t pretend to have standards at all.

The sub-headline comes next; “If the Colombian striker was Scottish the Ibrox star would have a statue outside Hampden.”

And it’s there, right there, that you first feel the spittle hitting your face and smell something worse than curry and lager breath. Not only is this going to be bad, it is going to be offensive in a way that makes you want to hit something really hard.

I remember once writing a review for the picture The Grey, an excellent, dark movie about how the survivors of an air-crash try to escape from the territory of a pack of wolves. It’s an unforgettable film, but not a date movie by any manner of means.

I started the review thus. “The Grey opens with Liam Neeson in the snow, lost in grief over his dead wife and reciting an old poem. He has a shotgun with him and is planning to blow his own brains out. The mood of the film goes downhill from there.”

That’s the general tenor of Ralston’s article; it starts bad and gets worse.

In fact, it starts awful and somehow finds new depths the deeper into it you get.

“Alfredo Morelos can sleep easy as he heads into 2020 no matter the result at Celtic Park,” it starts. “One Scotland, many cultures? It’s unlikely the Colombian striker will be called up any time soon and asked to lend his endorsement to the Holyrood campaign.”

Right there, from the off, it establishes its argument; that Scotland – the whole country – has behaved appallingly towards Sevco’s resident ned. That claim, in itself, is pathetic, ridiculous beyond the remotest connection to reality … and Ralston’s only warming up.

“Scottish football can be a brutal, tribal business, but the civic nationalism espoused by Nicola Sturgeon was long ago exposed as a fallacy when it comes to the Rangers frontman.”

I read that this morning half asleep, and honestly for a moment thought that I still was.

It was like some deep dream hallucination; was I actually reading this, or was it some perverse construct of my imagination?

Because surely, no sane person would have written that?

I will skip over some of it and get to the gist; suffice to say he compares Morelos to a Spartan braving a hostile atmosphere and backs him to handle it. He then moves swiftly to his point, a banner held up by the Aberdeen fans earlier in the season, which he seems to want to hold all of Scottish society responsible for.

“That disgusting banner held up by Aberdeen fans at Pittodrie earlier this year, which crossed the line from naked hostility to blatant racism, represented a new low for the image of Scotland as a tolerant, welcoming nation.”

Where even to start? How about with the fact that Aberdeen fans have a reputation for engaging in some of the ugliest behaviour out there. I’ve written many times on this site that they have more in common with the Ibrox horde than they would ever care to admit.

They have brought child abuse banners to Parkhead; funny Ralston has never got in a flap over those?

What do they do for the reputation of our national game?

I have no love for the diseased element of the Aberdeen support, but to claim that the banner in question is racist is to stretch the facts to the point where you can hear the elastic snap.

It might not have been very nice – “your mother is a mattress” it read – but the act of translating those words into Morelos’ native tongue does not make it bigotry.

I find Ralston’s fury interesting for a number of reasons, not least of which is that there is often bigotry in football stands around Scotland, and most notably at Ibrox itself. But he never pours such venom onto it or those who perpetrate it, and he certainly never tries to use it to paint a picture of Scotland as some kind of country steeped in racial hatred.

I do agree that Morelos has been subject to racism in Scotland.

So has Scott Sinclair.

But amazingly, the most egregious example of it that the Ibrox striker has had to endure came from someone who works at Ralston’s own newspaper, Keith Jackson, whose article on Morelos from last year, all filled with allusions to the Colombian drug wars and cocaine, was so staggeringly over the line that anti-racism organisations were fuming at it.

Ralston makes no mention of it in his piece. I wonder why.

The article then extols the virtues of Alfredo Morelos; Humanitarian, as if any of that matters a damn.

As if any of it were in any way relevant to how he behaves on the pitch, with his diving and snarking and elbowing and kicking and hacking.

This appeal for Morelos to be recognised for sainthood crawls so far up the player’s posterior that I won’t be surprised if the Colombian is interviewed before the game tomorrow and Ralston’s voice comes out of his mouth.

Morelos is not the first Scottish player to do stuff for charity.

Many of them do so every single day.

Some of them have set up charitable foundations.

I will say this; in the modern world it is a goddamned miracle to see privileged footballers giving something back to the communities they came from, but if every one of them deserved a “statue outside Hampden” you wouldn’t be able to get near that ground for stone figures commemorating them.

Morelos is not exceptional as a human being any more than he is exceptional as a footballer.

He is certainly far from the only player to have risen from humble beginings; the game itself is built on such legends.

If Morelos was playing for Motherwell he would get none of this adulation.

Ralston then reports that Kilmarnock players learned Spanish so that they could better abuse Morelos during the match in midweek.

Even if it’s true, what’s his point?

That gamesmanship goes on?

We know it does.

Morelos is not special in that regard either and this assertion that he is treated differently from other footballers is as dishonest as it is laughable.

The most ridiculous point comes late in the piece; “It’s worth pointing out Morelos was rarely booked and never red-carded during his time in Finnish football, but that’s only because rival players are far too gentlemanly in that corner of northern Europe, surely?”

Is he alleging a refereeing conspiracy here?

Because that would elevate the article into the realms of Sevco paranoid fantasy and it’s bad enough already.

He seems to have lost the thread of his own argument otherwise, by his sarcastic suggestion that perhaps Morelos got no abuse over there.

I have another explanation, and it’s supported at least partly by facts.

There are some players for whom the Ibrox environment and the media sycophancy which swirls around it has toxic effects.

Morelos is not the first player to be consumed by the arrogance, hatred and hostility that sweeps through that place.

He will not be the last.

Ralston follows that paragraph up with this one; “What do you mean nice guys come last? The Finns have already qualified for Euro 2020 so maybe we should take a leaf from their book and focus on bringing out the best in ourselves, rather than the worst in others.”

I don’t even know what that means in the context of his article, or in any other context either.

It’s an example of fingers and brain not being in sync; it happens to everyone who writes for a living, but a good editor is supposed to weed that stuff out before publication.

But if The Record had good editors none of Ralston’s piece would have seen the light of day.

His second to last paragraph puts the cherry on the cake; having established that rivals fans hate Morelos, rival players wind him up and refs are out to get him, Ralston goes all-in and accuses the broadcast media of pursuing an agenda as well.

“The cameras will follow his every move at Parkhead and every foul in which he is involved will be analysed to death in a bid to confirm a narrative of destruction on often spurious evidence.”

This asks us not even to believe the evidence of our own eyes.

For Morelos is an angel.

Morelos is pure in spirt and heart.

So if you do happen to see him throw an elbow or aim a kick or stamp on a fallen opponent’s leg, look deep into your heart and ask yourself this question; did that really happen or has the camera been made to lie?

Ask yourself another.

Did I really see it or are my own prejudices causing hallucinations?

Ralston starts out trying to make a case that Scotland is racist and the treatment of Morelos proves it.

But he never asks why Morelos would be different to the dozens of other foriegn nationals to play in our game down through the years and who have not been subjected to racism of any kind. He doesn’t even offer a single piece of evidence of racism directed at the player, although that should have been easy to do.

Instead he gives us an off-colour Aberdeen banner and Killie players learning Spanish so they can insult Morelos on the pitch.

And based on this he wants to blacken the reputation of a country.

Ralston is a complete moron.

When writing about one particular movie, Ebert wrote that “It’s so ludicrous in so many different ways it achieves a kind of forlorn grandeur. It’s in a category by itself.”

Ralston’s piece does not achieve grandeur of any kind, forlorn or otherwise.

And it fits into a very distinctive category, one that will be familiar to the readers of the rag for which he works.

It is diabolical, deplorable, fanboy gushing, which bears no resemblance to the art and form of journalism which that laughable rag allegedly exists for.

It should be filed under Utter Shite.

The CelticBlog Christmas Quiz is available below … take it, share it and compare scores with your mates! 

https://ift.tt/2EXJ3RT

#CelticNoise #Celtic #CelticFC #TheCelticBlog #News

[surveys-at-your-service]

Survey #292

“dear god, let’s make this fucking clear: dear god, there’s nothing that i fear”

What internet browser do you use? Chrome. What brand water do you drink? (Smart Water, Dasani, etc) Mom just grabs the Great Value jugs. Do you have a job? No. Are you full-time or part-time? N/A Are you watching TV right now? No. Or are you listening to music? Yeah, "Mr. Crowley" by Ozzy. Such a great song. Would you go to jail for 3 years for $1,000,000? No. I would NOT survive in jail. When's your birthday? February 5th. I cannot fucking believe I'm almost 25. Thoughts on kids? Too impressionable for me. Even with my niece and nephew, I feel like every single word I say just like... stamps into their brains, and what if I say something that negatively affects them? I feel like it's my responsibility as an aunt to be a fountain of wisdom when I'm definitely not. I just get nervous around kids. Worst punishment you've ever received by your parents? I wouldn't call it a "punishment," but when I skinned the everliving fuck out of my knees and Mom was patching me up while I was just sobbing away, my dad literally roared "SHUT UP!" from my parents' bedroom, and it's stuck with me forever. Honestly, I think it may be a root in my extreme fear of men yelling. Worst punishment from Mom, probably this time where she smacked the shit outta my arm as a kid and left a clear handprint for a while. Are you the type who is completely against abortion? Why? No, I am firmly pro-choice, despite being pro-life most of my life. I don't feel like writing a moral essay, but basically, I absolutely cannot agree with forcing a woman to carry a human they don't want for whatever reason for nine fucking months, endure one of the most traumatically painful things known to man, and then properly and adequately care for that child. That is such a huge fucking responsibility that should be forced upon *nobody*. "But adoption!" Yeah, go tell that to the thousands of children waiting on you. This is leaning on exactly what I said I wouldn't do, so moving along. Have you ever read a book that actually changed your outlook on life? "I’ve read some books that were phenomenal, but I wouldn’t necessarily go so far as to say that they 'changed my outlook on life'." <<<< This was Johnny Got His Gun for me. Does your favorite flower hold any meaning to you? No. What would you do if your favorite animal became endangered? I would fucking freak. Have you ever owned an expensive eyeshadow palette? No, but I honestly do want at least one, primarily with a deep black and then some nice grays and neutral colors. Do you own a tripod for your camera? Yes. Are your nails always painted? Quite the opposite. What's one thing you've had a toxic reaction to? A breakup. Which holiday is your favorite to decorate for? I honestly don't really decorate because I just don't have the motivation, but Halloween is the best. Were you popular in school? Nope. Are there any foods that often give you heartburn or indigestion? BANANAS, dark sodas (like Coke or Dr. Pepper), peanut butter can... It's hard for me to tell much now because I have chronic heartburn and am medicated for it. Works great, so I don't experience this much. Is there something you intend to buy in the near future? Yes. Once my tattoo is done (I'm setting the appointment the next time we leave the house, AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH), what I have left is going towards Venus' new terrarium. She really needs a 40 gallon. Is anyone in your family artistically talented? What about musically? I was the art kid, and family still insist I should be an artist. What cute behaviors or characteristics does/do your pet(s) have? Omg, Roman has so many. He nuzzles me all the time, will collapse into my hand to pet him, he insists on being the little spoon at bedtime (no, really), he literally tries to groom me with his teeth, licks my face... He is just a doll. My little buddy for sure. Now onto Venus. She loves to chill next to me in bed or find a cozy place under the covers, and omgggg does she love to slither around the bed doing the periscope thing. So curious. What's the screensaver on your computer? I don't have one. What’s the sexiest thing about a guy? I am WEAK for nice shoulderblades/muscular shoulders ok. What’s the sexiest thing about a girl? I am an ass bitch and I will not hesitate to admit it ayyyyyeeeee. Who were you with at midnight on January 1, 2021? Nobody. Who was the last person to send you a message on social media? My sister Misty. She's planning to surprise Mom (her stepmom, anyway) by showing up in a few weeks with her fiance and all her kids she's never met but desperately wants to. My mom is the only "real mom" she's ever had, and she just feels so bad that she has a by now teenage daughter (among three other younger ones) that has never met her "grandmother." It's just an expensive and long trip, but Misty's finally called it enough and is just driving down here with everyone. Mom is going to fucking sob. ^ What qualities does this person have, that you appreciate? Nice timing for this, since her fiercely anti-mask bullshit is all I can focus on about her lately... but there are good things about her. She truly is a very loving, passionate woman that, just like me, feels deeply and expresses it. What was the last thing that caused you to scowl, or frown? Does grimacing count from a sudden bodily pain? Have you smiled at any point during the last hour? Yeah. I'm watching the VOD of Arin Hanson playing Kingdom Hearts 2 for charity, and he went on a total fucking laughing fit. His laugh is so precious, so I just couldn't stop grinning. What was the last thing you consulted Google for? Ensuring "grimace" was the right word for my former expression, even though I was pretty positive it was correct... I don't know if anyone's noticed, but my English skills are degrading, particularly in spelling. It's concerning me. I was an English whiz my whole life up to now. My only guess is it's related to how godawful my memory is also declining. So, did anyone send you a "Happy New Year" message when midnight hit? No. When was the last time you were on a carousel? Probably not since I was a teenager being goofy with Jason or somebody. What is the closest you have ever been to an elephant? I have a picture on my dA of a beautiful elephant walking RIGHT by its fence at the zoo. It was pretty amazing, considering just how incredibly immense their enclosure is. Have you ever played Halo? No, it's not my kinda game. Have you ever read a National Geographic magazine? Oh, I'm positive I've read sections while in waiting rooms of various places. When was the last time you had a pillow fight? I have no idea. Realistically it was probably w/ Jason since that sounds like some cute playfighting thing we'd do, but I don't remember a particular instance. Name somebody who you think deserves more respect: "Retail works. The horror stories my mom has on the daily is absolutely ridiculous. People can be so incredibly rude." <<<< I absolutely agree with this; what friends and strangers alike rant about is just depressing. Nobody, especially those working through a goddamn pandemic that's killing thousands, deserves the disrespect that comes their way. Have some goddamn decency and know half the issues you bring up to retail workers isn't even their damn fault. Ohhhh, I could rant about this. In your own words, define what the word sexy means. So you mean like, what I think is considered sexy, not just the general definition? If that's the case, uhhh. Self-confidence (but absolutely not arrogance) is very attractive to me as a bitch who lacks it entirely, as well as good manners, being outgoing, and just... charm. I don't quite know how to describe that "charm" other than I'm really drawn to people who are unique and happy with it and just seem to have an aura about them that feels good to be in. What is the most popular tourist attraction where you live? I'm going to look at this question as if you're asking about my state and not general location because 1.) there ain't shit here and 2.) I'd prefer to keep relatively where I live quiet on the Internet. Looked it up and apparently NC's biggest tourist bait is the Biltmore Estate. Never been there myself, but it'd be pretty dope. Without looking - do you know what brand your underwear is? I'm in my own home and pjs, who the fuck wears underwear with that criteria lmao. Are you any good at volleyball? NOOOOOOOOO. I went to a volleyball camp thing once when I was younger and that shit hurts the hell outta your hands. I didn't stay long. Have you ever had a water balloon fight? Why of course. Do you think some babies are ugly? Quite honestly, probably most, especially newborns. Don’t you miss Chuck E. Cheese? I do; going there was one of the most exciting possible things to me as a kiddo. Do you think Fall Out Boy is gonna be a classic band, like Queen or AC/DC? Possibly. I mean they sure are pretty successful and well-known. Do you love stuff-crusted pizza? Eh, it's not my preference, but I'll eat it. Do you apply lotion after you bathe? No, but I really should, given how dry my skin is. What’s your favorite color? Pastel pink. Who did you have your most amazing kiss with? I'd like to not think about this. Has a YouTube video of yours ever gotten over 10,000 views? Lol definitely not. I think at least one on my older channel hit 1k somehow???? It was a birthday gift I made for someone. Would you ever get a tattoo on your collar bone? lol I already have one there. At some point I'm getting it covered, though. Do you like Robert Frost poems? I do! Do you go to church every Sunday? I never do. Have you ever been in a relationship on-and-off for more than a year? No, I don't play that game. You want me or you don't, so I'm not wasting my time on your uncertainty or just our lack of stability for whatever reason. If you had to get famous for one of the following, which would you choose: music, acting, writing, modeling? Absolutely writing. What do you think of girls with huge boobs that don’t wear bras in public? ?????????????????? i don't?????????????? care???????????????? they're not my tits??????????????? What is the last thing you tried on in a store? I don't know. I avoid trying shit on like the plague. And then it ends up being too big/small. I wonder why. Is sleeping naked more comfortable than in clothes? I've only ever fallen asleep naked once, and accidentally at that, so I really don't remember how I felt about it? Consciously though, I would feel very, very vulnerable so don't have plans to when I have my own place. Have you ever had a dream in which you were making out, or more, with someone? HAHAHA Y'AAAAAALLLLLLL THIS WAS DEADASS THE ONLY LUCID DREAM I'VE EVER HAD LMAOOOOO Do you feel as though you have a good memory, or are you forgetful at times? Do you feel that your short-term memory or long-term memory is better? My short-term memory is absolutely atrocious, like to the point it seriously affects my ability to get shit done. You can give me something that needs to be done and I will forget in a heartbeat. Now, my long-term memory is astonishing. I can remember many things from my childhood in incredible detail. Have you ever had a concussion or some other sort of brain injury before? Did you need to have surgery for it? I've had a concussion or two. I can't remember which. I didn't need surgery. Do you have any sort of mental illnesses or disorders? What do they involve? Yeah: chronic depression, crippling social anxiety, generalized anxiety, avoidant personality disorder (AvPD), obsessive compulsive disorder, PTSD, bipolar II, and I think that's it. My head's a mess and a half. What’s the longest that your hair has ever been? How about the shortest? When is the last time that you got it cut? About to the small of my back; how it is now, which is pretty much shaved on the left and fades to near my chin on the right. I actually got it cut last month; we've gone to a family friend for years whose shop is just an extra building by her house and very rarely has more than two clients in it. We had masks on, of course. At what age did you start getting gray hairs, if you happen to have any? I don't have any. Somehow, given my stress level at all times, haha. What are some ways that you style your hair? Do you use any sorts of products in it? It's too short to style. I don't use any products in it but obviously shampoo. Who was the last person to truly get on your nerves? What do you think caused you to feel that way? Probably my mom. I think she was in a rotten mood for one reason or another and just being snappy and generally rude. Do you recycle? Is this through choice or do you live somewhere where it’s compulsory? We do; it's by choice, and it'd be immensely ignorant not to where we live considering it literally gets picked up with the other garbage. Do you prefer plain, carbonated, or flavored water? Do you think you drink enough water throughout the day? I've never tried carbonated water, and flavored water rarely works for me due to artificial sweeteners giving me beastly headaches. So I'll just take really cold, filtered water. Have you ever needed to call the police, ambulance, or fire department? I had to call the ambulance for my mom right before her cancer was discovered because she was literally immobile and in ungodly pain. When was the last time you visited the library? What was the purpose of your visit? At my old college, as the newspaper photographer, I took some artsy pics up there. I will probably forever worry that leaving school resulted in the biggest career opportunity slipping through my fingers through that newspaper. Do you see a lot of wild animals where you live? Are any of them dangerous? I guess about the normal amount you'd see in the country. Some dangerous animals live here, sure, that's probably everywhere, but you very rarely see any. Aside from when you were born, have you ever had to stay the night in the hospital? For suicidal thoughts and one attempt, yes. Have you ever experienced a panic attack? Ahhhh, do I know those well. Thankfully, it's been a long time since I had an all-out panic attack. Would you ever want to go into the medical profession? Was your answer different pre-COVID? Nope. Well, besides being a vet, which I haven't wanted to be since I was a kid. Where you live, are people paying attention to whatever restrictions are in place to help control COVID? Many? No. Because it's apparently a fuckin hoax or not as bad as the government wants us to think. Fucking cretins. Do you get a real or artificial Christmas tree? Artificial. Real ones aren't worth the money nor mess. What’s your favourite type/flavor of popcorn? Caramel corn. Do you drink oat milk? No, but I'm interested in at least trying it. The dairy industry is absolutely repulsive if you look into it, and I'd love to do what I can to take as little part in it as possible... even though I am a dairy fiend. I seriously wish I could go vegan, I am just WAY too picky for it. Do you love thrifting? Oh fuck yes. I've been very few times in my life, but I'mm all about it. Do you consider using only lowercase letters your aesthetic? I do find it visually appealing; I like the flow of similar letter height. I never do it for "serious" things, but on places where it's "for the aesthetic," it's likely that's how I'll write something. Do you say “mood?” Way too much lmao. Do you own fairy lights? No, though I would like them if it wouldn't look stupid in my room. Do you own glass straws because the metal ones kind of gross you out because you can’t tell if they are clean or not? ... I didn't know glass straws were a thing. I have a handful of metal ones though, but I always forget I have one in my purse when I go out... Have you made a TikTok? No. Do you own airpods? No. Are you afraid of Mercury in retrograde? I don't believe in a planet's position or whatever having any effect on people. Do you make life choices based on astrology? Definitely not, considering I don't believe in it to begin with. How many pairs of converse shoes do you own? Maybe like, five? Number of jeans in your closet: Zero. What accent do you have? Not really any, but sometimes I sound kinda southern with specific words. Do you have a big butt? Yo I got a Hank Hill ass, so no. Do you count how long you and your gf/bf have been together? In my past relationships, yes, I assigned our anniversary to memory. I don't really... know why, like it doesn't really matter how long you've been together, I just do. Have you graduated? From HS, yes. I dropped out of college three times lmao. Rihanna or Lady GaGa? Ohhh, not sure. Maybe GaGa, but both ladies have songs I love. "Disturbia" doess beat all of her songs, tho. The fuckin BEAT. Do you use fake eyelashes? Never tried 'em. Which was the last book that really captivated you? The Handmaid's Tale by Margaret Atwood. What makeup brands do you use? I'm not loyal to any, really. I would be if I could afford expensive shit, but yeah, that ain't my life.

#survey #surveys #questions #questionnaire #lyrics: ''battle cry'' by blood on the dance floor

[surveys-at-your-service]

Survey #219

“make a move and you pay for it; pick a lord and you pray to it.”

Do you actually love your grandpa? I don't really remember either of mine. I do from what I remember and have learned of them, though. Do you actually love your grandma? I don't remember my dad's mom at all, but I mean, I love her simply for being my dad's mother, who loved her. My mom's mom, yeah, even though she's. Hard to like a lot of the time. Do you have Facebook? Yes. What was the last thing you posted on someone’s wall? A birthday post. Do you have MySpace? My old one still exists, but I sure haven't been on it since it was current. What is your favorite kind of music? Heavy metal. Favorite soft drink? Mountain Dew Voltage is actually cocaine to me rip. Favorite food? Probably like... pepperoni pizza or cheeseburgers. I'm a full-blooded 'Merican. Have you ever felt replaced? OH, HAVE I! Have you ever worn false eyelashes? No. Do you ever regret making a friend? I don't think so. Can you cure mental illness? I don't know about cure, but you can certainly learn how to handle it better and alleviate symptoms. Is God good? Define "God." Cats or dogs? Kitties. Do you play video games? Yeah, but I don't play nearly the variety that I used to. Do you take medication for mental health? Yes. Can you really be racist to a white person? No shit? Do you have a favorite hair accessory? What does it look like? No. What’s your favorite type of insect? Butterflies. What’s your LEAST favorite type of insect? Larvae, like maggots. Disgusting. Who was the last person you Facebook messaged? What did you say? What’s his/her favorite food? Idk and I don't feel like checking. I rarely use it. What was the last song you listened to? Does it mean anything to you? "Thoughts & Prayers" by Motionless In White is a mood with my mad-at-God-24/7 ass. It needs to stop honestly. I've become so hateful about religion. Not towards followers, mind you, just the concept itself. I could write a novel on this, but I don't feel like it. Just me and organized religion don't get along anymore. Have you ever slept in a water bed? On a water mattress, yeah. How do you feel about having sex during your menstrual period? Never tried, not for me. Sounds messy. Does your ex have a job? My most recent, I guess you mean? Yeah. Have you ever slept in a car? Yeah, on long drives to like New York and stuff. What was the last term of endearment you used (babe, hun, dear, etc)? *checks phone* "Sweetie." How often do you use Flickr? Never. I can't log into my account anymore since Yahoo said "fuck u Britt," so there's no point. Have you ever been on a blind date? No. Do you have a crush on the last person you texted? She's my girlfriend so y'know like- Have you ever got into an argument with the last person you kissed? We very much disliked each other at first, so... guess, lmao. Have you ever liked somebody who was nice to you, but horrible to everyone else? Eh, that's a mystery... Juan was very sweet to me, but I know he had a bad rep. I didn't really see how he interacted with others. How’s your appetite atm? It's normal. I'm not currently hungry. Out of all the conversations you’ve had recently, which one has made you smile or laugh the most? Sara randomly and excitedly texted me to tell me "Welcome to the Jungle" was on at work, which was on the radio both when I was there and she was here, so she thought of how much she missed me lakdjsfkalwe I smiled my face in half. Do you look decent in your most recent photograph? Eh, it wasn't awful. It was for my school ID. What is one vacation destination that many people think is just fabulous but which you personally have no desire to visit (or revisit)? New York City. My sis went and said it was 1.) insane and 2.) disgusting. If you were five years younger but knew everything at that age that you’ve actually learned over the last five years, what is one thing you would definitely do differently? Go to the partial hospitalization program way sooner. What serves as the greatest motivation for you in your daily life? To earn a happy, content future. What activity that you have to do every once in a while that you dread the most? "Every once in a while," I'd say clean Mitsu's cage. She is such a strange rat. Enjoys pets, but being picked up is a no sir. When people hear what you do for a living, what is the most typical question or comment they give you regarding your job? N/A If you were left alone for one hour with nothing more than a pen and a notepad, what would you be inclined to draw or write during those 60 minutes? I'd probably write a poem. I know I wouldn't draw 'cuz fuck no am I doing so with a pen. If you could witness anything at all in super-slow motion, what would you want to see? Uhhh. Idk. Anything I can think of, like lightning, I've seen because of the Internet. If someone were looking for you in a bookstore, in what section would they be most likely to find you? Probably like, young adult fiction/fantasy, something like that. What do you forget to do more often than anything else? Lately, take one of my mood stabilizers. I need to get the box out... aaaand forget every day. I haven't felt any different without it tho so like... If you could teach everyone in the world one skill, what would it be? Compassion, maybe. You’ve been offered the chance to paint a billboard along a highway with any message you choose, as long as it’s only 10 words long. What is your message? I'm not spending time musing over something that serious lakaljdsfawe. Would you ever travel to Africa? Hell yes. I desperately want to go to South Africa on the Tswalu Kalahari tour. Whose house were you last at? Besides my own, my older sister's. Have you ever had a near-death experience? I guess this depends on how near death you mean. I've been in one car accident that my mom managed to make minor only by being a good driver; realistically, we should've flipped, according to the cop. My mom just acted quickly enough. Then I heavily ODed, but I was given more than enough fluids in time to keep me surprisingly okay. I don't know what would've happened if I hadn't told Mom so quickly, and I don't care to think about it. I'm fucking lucky and don't want to think about what could've happened. Have you ever met anyone who was overly addicted to a computer game? Tbh I myself could've been in this position when my depression was so bad, but then there's factors to that that lean towards it just having been a preference versus addiction. Idk. It's not a problem anymore so not worth debating over. Have you ever been fingered? That was the first cheat when you chose abstinence lmao. What do you do the most when you are online? Watch or listen to something on YouTube. What video game have you played the most? So in WoW you can actually type in /played to see how long you've played JUST that one character up to the years (or maybe days?) down to seconds and. I will never type it in lmao. Ongoing games are v depressing. Do you have scars you don’t like to talk about? No, those are thankfully gone. What is something you and your significant other do that may seem weird to others? Be helplessly and openly in love with imaginary demons while dating each other lmao (she's a Freeza fanatic). When and why did you last cry? The second day of school because of math class. When was the last time you drank? I think like... back on the 4th of July. Or some days after 'cuz I know Mom and I didn't finish the container in one night. Do you wear jewelry a lot? Just my piercings, really. Save for on my ear lobes because the holes on the left are fucked up, yay. I'm going to wind up just slightly stretching the first holes when I can afford a small kit; actual studs or hoops look stupid. Never wanted gauges until the holes got too stretched by the weight of hoops; now something needs to be there. Who in your household do you not have a good relationship with? My sister's (who doesn't even live here...) dog Bentley. I hate him and he doesn't like me. No, that doesn't mean I mistreat a pet. He's just a pain in the goddamn ass. Who in your life are you scared to lose more than anything? My mom. I don't know what would happen to me or how I'd cope at this time. Honestly, would you rather be single or in a relationship? I'm happier in a healthy relationship. Do any of your friends not get along at all? No. I mean, not that I know of. What are your 3 favorite internet sites? I'd be LOST without YouTube, then KM follows up close. #3, uh... Facebook or Tumblr, I suppose. Have you ever gotten anything autographed, if so by who & what was it? No. Well, I do have a little book of Disney World character autographs, but I don't think that really counts. Do you prefer Walmart or Target? We use Wal-mart. Who is your favorite model? Sara is a gd model don't even @ me about it. What have you done that is out of character for you? The Joel thing is the most anti-Brittany thing I've ever done for sure. I can't think of anything more current that stands out, unless it's- NO WAIT, this was quite a few months ago, but I firmly stood against an opinion my psychiatrist made known. He's very talkative and open as hell about his beliefs in current events, and he said something about pit bulls where I was just like... um no sir. I wasn't going to be rude though to HIM of all people so just said I don't base dogs by their breed and shut up. Awkward silence and we moved on. What do you feel strong enough to protest about? LGBT acceptance and rights. I already protest by having given up Chic-fil-a okay I care y'all. What’s the biggest blooper you’ve never lived down? Who knows... What is the best thing you have done just because you were told you can’t? Idk. I'm lucky to not have really been told that... What are you most thankful for? Thinking it all over, probably being born where I am. Boy is America FUCKED UP in some places, but boy would I be in a MUCH worse place if I was born in, say, North Korea, between my mental issues, sexuality, and opinions that can go to either end of the spectrum. How do you feel about thrift shops or flea markets? I love them! You can find the coolest, wackiest shit. What do you like to put gravy on? I hate gravy with a passion. Have you ever gone canoeing/kayaking? No. What one thing in particular makes you feel good about yourself? I genuinely think I'm a nice person that has other's well-being in mind. What is priceless to you? Love, in any form. What is one thing you know about your family history you’re proud of? Uhhh. I guess more than anything, I'm proud of my distant cousin for her unwavering love for and loyalty to her daughter when it came to escaping the Middle East and her dictatorial husband. Read Not Without My Daughter, it's great. Do you keep a budget? I don't have an income. What makes you feel rested and refreshed? Rested, a good night's sleep following being truly exhausted. Refreshed, oh man, gimme a hot, long shower. Who depends on you the most? Nobody. Could you ever be someone’s bodyguard? Hell no. Has one of your biggest fears come true? Yes. I was entirely convinced the world would literally end if Jason left. That night still doesn't feel real. Have you ever let your mom or significant other fight a battle for you? Colleen and Mom once fought after I'd ignored her, so I guess? It wasn't my wish or anything though for her to do it; Mom had shit to say by her own volition, and I wasn't going to tell my mother "no you can't do that." Did you create a checklist for your ideal spouse? No? Have you ever ridden on a subway or train and what did you like about it? Nope. Do you have to experience something to fully understand it? Yes. What embarrasses you instantly? A LOT A LOT A LOT!!!!! It is SO easy to embarrass me, including second-handedly. Do you think you could be a firefighter, why/why not? Hell no, I'm most certainly not in the necessary shape, and quite honestly I'm not that willing to risk my life for random people that could be assholes. What do you think should be censored? Idk. I have mixed feelings on censorship, no matter how stupid it seems. Eh... yeah, idk. Are you related to anyone famous or historical, if so who? Queen Victoria and William Clark. Would you ever donate a kidney to anyone, and who? Depends on who and obviously if we're even compatible. Have you ever fired a gun? No. What is the main quality you think makes a great parent? Sincerely caring for them, probably. Who is a female role model in your life? My mom, in some ways. What childhood dreams have you neglected? Jfc a lot, I don't want to think about it. What do you have trouble seeing clearly in your mind? My future, honestly. It's hard picturing my elderly days. Like I'm not suicidal anymore, I just don't really... realize I'll get there, I guess. I can't picture myself being old and alive. Would you travel to space if possible? No, too long of a trip. Are you an optimistic person? I'm a realist. Do you consider yourself more realistic OR idealistic? ^ Have you ever felt bi-curious? I started out accepting myself as bisexual through thinking myself as bicurious. I quickly realized "bisexual" was more accurate than "bicurious," but it was an easier thing to shift acceptance towards in regards to yourself when you thought you were straight for 21 years. Are you a fan of U.S. President Donald Trump? No sir. I agree with some of his ideas, but I hate him as an asshole person without a trace of manners. Do you know anyone with autism, mood disorders or learning disabilities? Multiple. I'd assume most people know someone who fits at least one criterion there. Are you green-eyed? Not exactly, but they definitely have a green hue to them. They're a gray/green blue. Would you consider UFC fighting and WWE real sports events? I think it's beyond debate that a lot of it is staged, but I mean, I guess to a degree? You still have to fight. It's physical exertion. Have you ever had an immediate relative pass away of cancer? No. Wait. I can't remember if my grandmother had cancer or not... but I don't think so. She was just old. Would you rather work in an office, warehouse or on a retail shop floor? An office, definitely. In my work-hunting as well as actual work experience, office work is probably the only job I could actually do that doesn't require a degree... Do you have a favorite wild animal? Why? You can't know me and not be fully aware meerkats are my favorite animal. Why? Ho boy. I love social species, and meerkats have such strong personalities, and holy shit are those little things brave as fuck. They're so GOSH DARN CUTE!!!! too, and their loyalty to each other is astounding. I love how playful and curious the little guys are, and... just wow okay, I could write an actual essay on how I adore meerkats so goddamn much. Do you have any unusual, uncommon phobias? I'm sure there are other people afraid of whale sharks, but I don't think it's common? And is an actual phobia of pregnancy uncommon? Idk. Do you prefer Android or iPhone? I hate my Android. I've had an iPhone in the past, and it was great. Are you a fan of sweet, sour, salty, or savory snacks? All, depending on my mood. Most often I'd say I like sweet. Do you believe climate change is real? We can't be friends if you don't. Do you believe in evolution OR creationism? Evolution. Do you think people can really predict the future? Nah. Have you been to a lot of shrinks? I hate that word. Just call them therapists. But yeah. How often do you clean your room? Not often enough. I need to dust... Any movies coming out soon that you want to see? I DESPERATELY wanna see the "Scary Stories to Tell in the Dark" one. Those books were my CHILDHOOD. What was the last fear you overcame? I don't know about totally overcame, but vocational rehab helped me quite a bit with answering the phone to numbers I didn't recognize. Have you ever hurt yourself trying to crack a body part? No, nothing on me really cracks. Well no, both my big toes do, but no, I haven't hurt myself trying to crack them. What’s the worst part about winter? The days where it's cold BUT ALSO WINDY asdkljfaklwej;awe Summer? It's too fucking hot and probably humid, too. Spring? POLLEN. Fall? Literally nothing. :') Are you allergic to anything? Pollen and silver. How many times have you changed a diaper in your life? Like, once. Which country has the most fascinating culture? Oh boy, idk. Who does your favorite song? Idrk what my current favorite song is. I say my all-time fave is "False Flags" by Massive Attack, but it's not something I constantly wanna listen to. I guess you could maybe say it's "Headache" by Motionless In White; I play and repeat that a lot. I've really been digging them lately. When was the last time you wore makeup? Shit dude, idk. Months ago. Do you prefer males or females or both? I'm generally afraid of men, but I mean, I don't "prefer" one over the other if he's a good guy. Where in your town do you go when you wanna chill with a few friends? I don't have any friends I go out with. But there's nowhere to go here anyway. Where’s the best place to get coffee? N/A Have you ever seen someone struggle with an addiction? My dad was an alcoholic, but he's recovered. He loved (idk if he still does it) fantasy football, too. Pretty sure I got my addictive personality from him, lol. When was the last time someone gave you flowers? Early 2017. Do you like cranberry juice? omfg NO. Do you play any zombie-killing video games? The Last of Us is fucking dope, but I didn't finish it before my PS3 broke. :'( I like the Resident Evil series too, and some of those games have zombies or similar creatures. And The Walking Dead game tears my heart out every fucking season. What is the dominating genre on your mp3 player/iPod? Varying forms of metal. Do you have a book shelf? No. What website do you spend way too much time on? YouTube is ALWAYS open. I constantly either watch let's players and a few other kinds of YTers, moving windows around so I can see it and do other things, or listen to music. Do you like wind chimes? I LOVE!!!!!!!!!! WINDCHIMES!!!!!!!!!! Do you have a fetish? No. Do you have a pet fish? No. Don't get me wrong, they're beautiful and calming, but not worth it for me personally. They don't have much of a personality at all, and cleaning a tank so much for just a fish isn't for me. Do you like kettle corn? (That sweet and salty popcorn) Yessss! Do you enjoy classic rock? Hell yeah, man. When was the last time you went for a walk, just cause? Not since I was at Sara's last. Do you listen to Type O Negative? No. Do you have any fillings or cavities? Yeah. Have you gotten your wisdom teeth taken out yet? No, and thankfully I don't need to. One was very close to needing to be, but it has just enough room. Do you actually read privacy policies when signing up for new things? "Depending on what I’m signing up for, I’m likely to at least skim it." <<< This. Did you have a lot of birthday parties when you were younger? If so, did you invite everyone in the class? I had a party every year up to... idk what age. And no, I only invited friends. Do you like when things are color coordinated? Yes. Have you ever participated in one of those “guess how many jelly beans, mints, etc. are in this jar!” contest? if so, have you ever won? Yeah, and no. Can you juggle? Nope. Have you ever mistaken a ringing phone on TV or in a movie for your own? Who hasn't? How often do you use bobby pins? Never. My hair's really too short for them. Well, I'd probably pin the right side up if I was doing something like cleaning. Do you live on an avenue, road, drive or something else? Road. What are your school colors? Blue and white. Have you ever taken a picture with Santa when you were little? Yeah. Have you ever rolled down a steep, grassy hill for fun? Actually yeah. Do you like Nerds candy? Yes I do.

#survey #quiz #questions #random #bored