#Like for me it's bc i now get on okay with my parents. So they can assume I'm making it up or exaggerating and that hurts more than not

[tciddaemina]

FUCK ME ALRIGHT SO

i was walking home and this idea hit my like a sack full of bricks and i am now dying. bc okay, fuck, just listen

moshang transformers!au

Shang Qinghua is a depressed millennial on the verge of poverty barely scraping by with two minimum wage jobs, who has a rocky relationship with his parents (separated with new families, neither of whom want him around), with no friends to speak of, who takes pottery making classes in an attempt to have some sort of human connection. He writes in his free time, with the face hopeless aspiration that he could maybe make something of it (it isn't working), struggling every day with the thought of whether or not the world would be better off if he just ended things

Mobei Jun is a high-ranking decepticon general who's crashed on earth and is injured and in hiding, which Shang Qinghua stumbles across in the middle of the night and who (basically) holds Shang Qinghua hostage - threatening to kill him and coercing him into giving him a hiding place

which ends up with broke!freaked out!Shang Qinghua hiring a private garage last second at great cost, to hide this killer robot and him getting threatened/kidnapped/coerced into hiding him and playing lacky, going out and buying extremely suspicious quantities of industrial grade motor oil and shit like that, as he gets even more freaked out about how much money this is chewing through and how he's going to pay rent.

and its basically just suicidal!desperate!millennial v. giant!homocidal!robot

Mobei-Jun: mentions something about being part of an empire of evil robots, with enemies looking for him

Shang Qinghua: wait what do you mean you're the bad guy??? (thinks: oh, actually, maybe all the threatening and murderousness should have tipped him off, whoops)

and ends up with situations with Shang Qinghua accidentally claiming to be king of earth and having to stick to the lie bc-

Mobei-Jun: something something we're going to conqeur this planet-

Shang Qinghua: what? you can't! it's my planet

Mobei-Jun, suspicious: it's yours? the planet belongs to you

Shang Qinghua, sweating, thinking quickly: I- Uh. Yeah. Yeah it's my planet. It belongs to me. You can't conquer it. I- That's the price of me helping you. If you want me to keep doing things for you, then the price is that you have to agree not to mess with my planet.

and Mobei-Jun, who knows enough about humans to know things like monarchies exist, and who comes from a plant once governed by one single planetary body is like- okay, makes sense, and doesn't think on it more.

and basically it's half crack of Shang Qinghua hiding a giant robot fugitive, and complaining that he's getting broke, and Mobei-Jun breaking open an ATM for him, and Shang Qinghua freaking out even more, as Shang Qinghua has to make up increasingly more intricate lies about why nobody else acts like he's king (it's part of our culture, we have, uh- uh, indomitable free will. nobody can tell anyone else what to do, so it would be rude if they acted like i was special) and Mobei-Jun nods along, and then transmits them back to the rest of the decepticons as part of his intel about the planet, which leads to them also thinking Shang Qinghua is king of the planet and-

and it all spirals to Shang Qinghua getting fucked by Mobei-Jun who's decided that actually maybe he's going to keep Shang Qinghua around, and when the whole Decepticon-Autobot (Demon v cultivator) war reaches point as Autobots arrive to try defend the earth, only for there to be a great deal of confusion as Mobei-Jun tells them there isn't an invasion, and actually the Decepticons have parleyed with the local ruler and are here on treaty, so there's no fighting at all

(how was Shang Qinghua supposed to know that an offhanded comment about inaccessible minerals deep below the earth's crust when Mobei-Junw as talking about destroying cities to mine for some rare thing was like, an agreement-)

anyway, it ends with the Autobots very confused, but not able to fight bc technically no one is in danger, and the Decepticons being very smug, and Shang Qinghua stuck in the middle of it just sweating because this all hinges on a truly insane lie that literally any human would be able to tell was total bullshit, and somehow it works

(and also maybe as an aside in a companion fic, Luo Binghe is super head honcho decepticon commander, who absolutely doesn't get Mobei-Jun's weird fetish attraction to this one flesh-bag, except then he sees one too bc enter stage right Shen Yuan, and Luo Binghe goes head over heels, and then there's desperately awkward interactions as Luo Binghe tries to ask Mobei-Jun for details on how one actually goes about fucking a human, which. its just too funny.)

anyway yeah, that's the idea i had while standing there in the street, waiting for the lights

#my writing #fic idea #svsss #transformers au #moshang

[gokupowers]

feel like modern Dave writers/kins forget he's hussies self insert and written to be totally fucking lame in canon bc hussie was a 25 year old loser living in his parents basement making anti SJW rage comics at the time . dave strider is an awesome character but he is genuinely so fucking embarrassingly lame and a loser and it's a beautiful thing & we need to remember our roots #makedavelameagain

#homestuck #dave #i like think in general it's crazy cuz i see a lot of dave kins acting overly cool/nonchalant/taking on his personality when hes literally #insufferable and slightly pathetic like i like him sooo much and hes such a loser . hes my little loser but like. dave strider in Homestuck #if he was real . hes the kind of guy i would have bullied in highschool #being purposefully chill comes across as trying really hard and really embarassing . #idk i think its bc everyone who has some kind of parental abuse/trauma relates to him but not actually his personality so instead they go #out of their way to emulate his personality. without realizing they are emulating one of the lamest fictional characters in existence. #like . its okay to have your own personality ❤️ you dont have to act hard youre literally a homestuck fan . #sometimes its jist silly cuz you want me to believe you get bitches ? you ? a homesyuck fan? a Homestuck fan? a Homestuck fan? #be so serious. its mostly chronically online teenagers doing this now ig but its like baby learn from the past . be better. choose a #brighter future. i guarantee you . hoes do not want dave strider they want a normal compassionate young man/woman/whatever

[dykeinthedark]

venting in tags about gender n shit (long as hell) (u can comment and talk 2 me as always :3)

#okay so i got a really masc haircut about a month ago and i know it's just a haircut but holy shit has it changed EVERYTHING for me #like.... i've always leaned masc except 1) before i came out 2) when i was actively in love with someone who i knew liked femmes #and they always described me as a fem. because that's what i showed her. because i wanted to be with her. #but lowkey whenever i'm in a not-impressing-anyone raw-dogging-life-no-crush era i always resort to a very masc style #like masc being my default and i'd only lean fem to impress people whether it's for love or peer pressure in a specific setting #like ''dressing up'' has always been a form of drag to me. like something i HAD to do to fit in or impress my parents (scott favor core) #but ever since this haircut i've realized... i could just BE masc innately like i really don't have to be womanly if i don't want to #which i usually don't. again i have only ever dressed fem for other people. but it's not even being masc that attracts me on its own #it's like. being masc in a distinctly lesbian way. as in whenever i look in the mirror i don't wanna be like a Guy i wanna be a dyke. #like lesbian as a gender identity too sort of thing honestly. okay i've been waffling but basically i sort of want to call myself butch #but i don't know if i like... can?? if i'm allowed to??? #everyone always says it's MORE than just wearing boy clothes and not wearing makeup and having short hair (which i already do all those) #i mean i've always id'd as genderqueer because it literally just means gender weird and i experience gender in a queer way #what's probably the most telling is that my friends (all queer) CALL me a butch lesbian #like every time they do i feel really internally validated. it's not just my clothes but my personality too ig is what people tell me #i have a higher pitched voice relatively speaking but apparently the way i talk is quote ''very clockably into women'' #which?? gender euphoria asf. my best friend specifically he (gay trans guy) always uses butch to describe me very intuitively #people have also noticed that i ''transitioned'' in all aspects except hormonally. like ppl have commented and noticed my masculinzation #but at the same time i always feel rly haunted by my ex relationships because one wanted me to be more masc #(she's the one who came out as straight and would treat me like a man) which i didn't like and i didn't like playing up being fem either #bc now it feels like she (butch) won't believe me if i called myself butch too bc she remembers me being femme #idk i feel like there's her voice in my head all the time that sees everything i do through her eyes (i'm lowkey still in love) #i feel like even though this comes so naturally to me i must be putting on a performance #even though i've actually read stone butch blues and done research into the history and i truly love and id with the culture like i rly do #that im still just a sad imitation of a butch lesbian and can never really be a part of it because i used to enjoy dressing up sometimes #like it's so stupid but can i still be butch if i wore a dress to prom and i think i looked good in it?? #even though i was envious of my friends who wore suits?? that i used to try goth makeup?? that i liked long dresses?? #that i enjoyed stacked necklaces and rings on every finger??? #and tbh ALL OF THAT CAME FROM A CONCIOUS EFFORT TO FEMINIZE MYSELF IN JUNIOR YEAR OF HIGHSCHOOL WHEN I WAS 16 #because omfg it was 2 months before junior prom and i was worried that i was too masc and wanted to get comfortable with being fem

[seokjinite]

its just . harder and harder for my man to hide it

#not that i blame him bc merlin is adorable but . #i have A Lot to say #first of all #the ep prior to this one. morgause luring him in with info about his mother #merthur sharing a similar pain due to not knowing a parent. good shit #but better than everything was 1 arthur's anger at uther and 2 how that whole thing only ended with him despising magic even more #which makes me only more intrigued about 1 what morgause is going to do next and why 2 ARTHUR'S REACTION WHEN HE FINDS OUT ABT MERLIN #now. the ep these blessed blessed screenshots are from #i. dont see the point. narratively speaking #like okay yes the girl said she owed merlin or something which im guessing is going to become useful in future episodes #apart from that though i dont see how it served the narrative like it was quite ooc for merlin #who so far has always put his destiny of protecting arthur above everything - to meet a random girl and wanting to flee w her? #like your most common couple of teens getting married in gretna green in 19th century england #i would have understood him developing a crush and wanting to protect her from harm but abandoning arthur and his mission ..... idk #it makes no sense to me so anyone is welcome to explain like genuinely #and then this scene <<<<3333 tattooing it on my eyelids me thinks #mary watches merlin #merlin

[chasing-chimeras]

.

#ignore me needleslly bellyaching into the void but this has been a very rough start to the new year #got a panel proposal to a conference rejected which sucks #next semester is looming and i have so many things to do ahead of time to meet different program requirements #i’ve been sick for like two weeks now #estranged relationship w one of my bio parents is getting difficult again #also feeling kind of strange about the new chapter of gz #it was difficult to write and i sort of wore myself out getting it done and sending it out into the world feels strange #anyway if you read it and want to lmk what you think i’d be super grateful bc it was def a work of excruciating love #(consider this me begging for comments but in a totally cool and really detached way with no hint of desperation whatsoever 🥲) #etc etc etc nothing new under the sun and i’m okay in the grand scheme of things #🤡

[guinevereslancelot]

most fucked up thing at my new job is there's only zero calorie sweeteners at the coffee station in the break room. three different kinds of zero calorie sweetener but no regular sugar because the assumption is that literally everyone is on a diet?

#is this because its a job dominated by women in particular??? idk #that's so weird #like sorry i can taste the difference and i prefer naturally occurring sugar from nature how is that not even an option #drinking nasty bitter af coffee bc i am So Sleepy but i refuse to use artificial sweeteners #they Do taste different and they're not even good for you im not doing that lol #also they got mad at me for telling one of the parents that we took one of the kids temperature and it was 99 and he threw up a little #when his dad came to get him yesterday and all of the other teachers were nowhere to be found #they were like tou shouldnhave had colleen do that #ma'am colleen went home before that and so did you #i should have left already too but waited bc the ratio on the playground was bad #anyway i did NOT say he had a fever i said it was 99 and to talk to the teacher inside #but the dad didnt yalk to her clearly then went home and scared the mom that he had a fever and threw up so she texted my boss freaking out #i literally just said he threw up a little and we took his temperature and it was 99 and to talk to the other teacher #which was all true and there was no one else there to tell him #anyway #apparently the person who had my job before me was a wacko who scared the parents with fake medical information or something #but that is not my fault and nobody told me that or not to tell the parents anything medical until this morning #ugh #also my supervisor is kind of a weirdo #she wanted to show everyone ~cute~ pictures of animals she has killed while hunting??? #and i said i didnt want to see #and she was like ~oh it's not dead yet in the picture~ #like okay but its dead now??? #she traps them first so its a cute little fox in a trap about to be killed 😭 #like wtfff #i know trappong predators is a reality but why take pictures like ohhh so cute then kill it #THEN show everyone the cute pictures like yeah isnt he adorable i killed him btw <3 #huh?????? #she has a bobcat tail on her keychain too she was giving it to the teachers and kids to pet like ohhh its so soft <3

[makkie-is-screaming]

.

#Okay so tw cuz im gonna rant about suicide #so back in July I planned on killing myself today #I told myself I needed to try n get better n if I couldn’t that was it #and I’ve tried I really have #and I’m obviously still struggling but not to the extent I was #like I’m depressed n my ed is getting worse #but I’m finally hanging out with D n she’s just so much fun to be around #im calling my bestie more and she sounds genuinely happy to hear from me #im doing a bit better with my parents to n im seeing my cousin more who I’ve missed so much #I have plans for break for the first time in years #im finally getting piercings #it’s crazy cuz even just 2 weeks ago I didn’t think Id be ok today #but I am like today isn’t gonna be another attempt I’m gonna make it #and that’s wild to me bc I was so bad over the summer I was constantly debating it that’s why I set the date #And I don’t think I’m fixed and there’s a big chance I’ll attempt at some point in the future knowing me #but right now I feel like I have a reason to try and I haven’t felt like that in a long time #okay I’m done now just wanted to say that #screaming #tw suicide #tw suicide mention #kinda

[lightblueminecraftorchid]

being sick as an adult sucks. wdym my mom won’t just automatically make sure I eat food instead of exclusively drinking Gatorade all day. wdym I have to ask my roommates to make me dinner. I have to Venmo a friend money to buy me more Gatorade?? I can’t focus enough to do homework??? I hate this.

#this is a silly haha humor post but in all seriousness. #COVID rly is just making me stare all the internalized ableism in the eye #yes worth isnt defined by productivity and disability and the idea of being a burden is part of being human and isn’t shameful at all #until I have to minorly inconvenience people to meet my basic needs #I really want to eat dinner but that would require asking my roommates to make me dinner which is just. 5 kinda of mortifying. #even though if someone I knew was sick I would not be upset about making them food! sick people need to eat! #my parents ordered me chipotle yesterday bc they were so concerned bc of how I sounded over the phone #and my friend went out and bought me juice and Gatorade and popsicles and took me to the doctor #the support system Exists I just feel bad about having to use it T-T #I just want to be hugged and read to and reminded to eat food but I am an adult now and not at home #lonely TT-TT #it’ll be okay I’m probably just emotional bc I’m sick and hungry #I also just am struggling so hard because I want to catch up on my classwork Right Now #but I can get through maybe one assignment before I’m too exhausted to keep sitting up #and I have to lay down and close my eyes and sleep or do a light activity like playing candy crush for the fifty bazillionth time #I’ve gotten through like. 100 levels this week. #I’m losing my dang marbles. I am gonna be so behind in ASL Susan is gonna be so disappointed in me #I feel like I have all this energy when I’m laying down bored but as soon as I sit up I feel like I’m floating and about to fall over #so. so tired. why can’t I be healthy already and do homework T-T. #I’m choosing to take this as a lesson to slow down and not overwork myself so hard. instead of being mad at myself for getting behind. #<- is trying and failing not to be mad at herself for getting behind

[paigemathews]

Honestly, I really love the idea that the approach with the next gen tends to be “it takes a village” just bc of how embedded the sisters are in each other’s lives. I’ve mentioned it before in the tags of this post, but the idea that you wouldn’t be able to match parents/child or siblings of each set bc you just can’t really tell. I don’t know, just the idea of Piper making cupcakes for the twins’ class while Phoebe gives Mel advice about a boy while Leo teaches Phoebe’s daughter how to drive while Henry teaches Chris how to throw a punch and so on just hits for me for some reason. 

Especially when it comes to trouble, like a demon attack during a Warren family dinner night? Paige pulls Wyatt out of the way of a Darklighter attack, and doesn’t even need to look to know that Coop and Piper will do the same thing for her daughters. Whenever trouble pops up, they’d protect any of the kids with their own life, as if they were their own, no matter whose they actually are.

#abi speaks #*pokes post* is this a childhood problem thing? bc idk why it itches my brain in the best way but it does #next gen #i fully expect this to be a just me thing tbh and im okay with that #but yeah thinking thots about how the og gen defaults to protecting the closest kid #just fully trusting that the others will do the same for theirs #also bc of how my next gen is this does in fact include half manticore baby and morris family #a dangerous situation and derek insists on putting himself in front of chris who is just like i move things with my mind!! #so coop just goes so do i :) now stay behind derek (who is the fucking fiercest parent ever pry it out of my dead hands) #meanwhile piper at 5'2 just snarling at someone while pushing the not 5'2 dj morris behind her #idk man just. i really like the idea of it takes a village for the charmed next gen #like is that TECHNCALLY their kid? no but FUCK YOU get away from my kid! #also just the next gen being able to rely on all of their parents to be there for all of them no matter what #idk man its just one of my favorite concepts #this is definitely a childhood problem thing isnt it

[dandyshucks]

need Guz to hug me tightly for like an hour solid oh my god dhdjdkl I went driving for the first time in over a year and I chewed my lip raw 😭😭

I'm starting to look like a caricature of Anxiety with all these physical symptoms and signs LMAO

#this is so ridiculous fhfjdkdl #i do not like driving fjdkdl i know i should not be on the roads #but unfortunately i have to bc i live rural and also my parents insist i ''just need more practice'' #practice is not going to fix the dissociation 😭😭 practice will not fix the Other Drivers being shitty and scary and reckless fjfkdl #it might make it slightly easier bc i wont have to think as hard about shoulder and mirror checks and roadsigns and speed limits #and where i am located on the road and intersection rules and whatnot #but like... it does not fix that i live in a town (and world lol) where ppl are fucking bonkers on the road #i had someone riding my ass for like a full five minutes. we had only two feet btwn us. MAYBE. IF THAT MUCH. #he was BIG mad that i was going the speed limit #and THERES A POLICE STATION LIKE RIGHT NEAR THAT AREA MY GUY IM NOT GONNA GO OVER THE SPEED LIMIT RIGHT THERE LMAO ???? #also im a rule follower usually so i do tend to go Exactly the speed limit fjfkdl #and maaannn that makes people SO fucking angry dhfjdl its impossible to drive Anywhere without having someone right on ur bumper #its so ridiculous like... that's not helping anyone ??? ur not getting to ur destination faster by riding up on somebodys ass ???? hewwo ??? #ANYWAYS. i drove around the neighborhood and then went up the highway and thru some intersections and then into the main core of town #and then i got my dad to take over from there bc it was lunch hour and the core of town is a lawless land at the best of times #MY NERVES ARE FRIED. i need Guz to act as a weighted blanket or one of those pressure therapy vests for me LOL #im like... shaking fhdjsl that was far more than i thought we were going to do for driving today good lord #IM OKAY THOUGH I SURVIVED I DIDNT EVEN HIT A CURB OR ANYTHING #i think I've only hit a curb once so far in all my times driving and that was on my second time driving on a road i think #so pretty good track record... im a very careful driver fjdkdl i work so hard to be safe and drive smoothly #during my driving test the only thing the test guy had to critique was that i waited at an intersection when i could've gone #but the reason i waited was bc i wasnt sure i could make it across the traffic lane before the oncoming vehicle got to us #so it was like. a safe decision overall but a little too hesitant which can actually be unsafe fjdkdl #AUGH ANYWAYS SORRY FOR RAMBLING SM #driving stresses me out so bad and my lip is all raw now and i have so many physical stress symptoms the past few days fhfjdl #after tonight i should be able to calm down a bit hopefully fhfkdl theres a thing we're going to tonight thats been stressing me out so bad #but after tonight it'll be over and hopefully I can get myself settled down again fjfjdkl #dandy.cmd #vent //

[akkpipitphattana]

truly if i explained some of the things my anxiety convinces me of, i’d be admitted

#tonight my anxiety was so high bc some creepy old man was staring at me at the gas station when i was leaving rehearsal #and like my parents weren’t in the living room when i got home which they usually are so like my anxiety was like #they’re fucking dead in their bedroom and once you open your bedroom door again you’re next #and then i went to the bathroom despite this and came back and my anxiety was like okay the killers under your bed now #like. dog can you be reasonable please #literally sitting in my bed not daring to reach for my phone charger bc of Fear #shit like this happens all the time tho like i have a recurrent fear that whenever i get in my car late at night #there’s someone either in the backseat or trunk and they’ll fucking kill me #even when i know there’s no way that’s possible #but it gets so bad i can’t properly breathe and i refuse to look in my mirror in case someone pops up #like. everytime i think oh my anxiety’s not that bad something like this happens and i’m like. never mind #liz rambles #anxiety tw

[garlique]

i don't know if my parents are actually nicer to me now or if i just have built up enough skin to not be as afraid of them anymore but like. why couldn't they be nice to me like this when i LIVED with them!!

#honestly its a big part of why i try to see them as little as possible because i KNOW #the less they see me the nicer they are to me #and like i kind of get it bc i moved so far away Every time my parents and i see each other its a vacation #and they dont have to put up w me every day anymore #but it just makes me feel so goddamn. hateable. you know ?? #my dad used to yell at me all the time for playing music in the kitchen while he was working #and like Not ask me kindly to lower the volume or anything it would just be Hey Kid Shut The Music Off yelled across th house #but now in our airbnb im playing music while hes working and i keep turning it down bc im Scared #but i can hesr him on calls and he hasn't said anything #like i GET IT !!!! I GET IT!!!! #its a lot different to put up with a kid for 10 days a year than it is 365 days a year #but do they really love me more now ?? why ?? and why the hell couldn't they love me like this at home #i just feel so goddamn annoying and hateable and stupid if my own PARENTS only like hanging out one week a year #and will the fear ever go away ?? ever?? #the last time i saw my mom in person she joked about how i used to be so scared of getting in trouble #i dont know why i was scared of her but i sure was !! terrifying !! #ugh okay i have to stop crying and be normal #rant over i love my parents and im so normal

[bunnyb34r]

Wow well that was weird

I saw SEVEN Bluejays on my way home from work, usually I'm lucky to see ONE

It was kinda funny bc at one point there were two males just chilling together on a wall

It's funny though bc we associate Bluejays with my dad who passed (cardinals are a general loved one who passed, monarchs are my favorite aunt, yellow butterflies I think are Aunt I Disowned. And you know the pennies from heaven thing? My dad sends me quarters 😁 and Favorite aunt sends nickels, someone sends dimes idk who but they're rare, and pennies are again general loved one) anyway so when I see a sign from a loved one I say "hi" and it made me laugh to keep seeing them in my like 30 minute drive like "I get it! Hello!!"

Made my day though 🐦

#marquilla #there's also two other things from dad - the song 'the middle' from jimmy eat world bc that was my everything will be okay song and after he #passed and i heard it it made me think of him like he was sending me a sign that itd be okay. and a couple pop songs he liked/i think he #would have liked but the middle especially #which is funny bc it played TWICE on Friday at work on the radio once at like 5am and once around 7am sgdggdgd like okay message taken! #i know this shit sounds crazy but like we have other instances where we could tell it was a deceased loved one visiting us #Anyway i used to roll my eyes when my parents would talk ab like oh a cardinal thats grandma but like i get it now man i get it #possession and reincarnation are real and so are ghosts sgdgdgdgd #oh and the blue jay thing is bc when i was little he was attacked by them and we would always laugh when we saw one and then after he #passed we were like oh its dad #ANYWAY im gonna come back as a seagull bc i wanna be a menace >:)

[ragingbullmode]

man howd i get so lucky this year… like a lot of terrible shits happened (is still happening) but ive also got such a big support network of queers that have like. made my life astronomically better & i love em more & more everyday 😭

#personal #like work has been god awful especially since i had to bail from work & cried all yesterday from the stress #but my friends have consistently checked up on me & keep reassuring me its okay to get emotional & stress out #since i have such a huge wall of asian guilt to climb over… thanks parents 💚 #like. if i didnt become friends with them Especially joey i think id still be thinking about kms everyday so… im grateful lol #theyre also why im not online sm now bc im actually going out of my comfort zone & going to places i wouldnt by myself :’) been a good year🥴

[pinkseas]

my manager is WAY too fucking nice to me im gonna explode

#emeto tw #emeto cw #in tags -> #i started having a panic attack at work earlier but i didnt really get the chance to go in back and chill for a bit so it just got worse #like REALLY fucking bad worse than ive had in . at least years maybe Ever. i have not thrown up in over a decade now but #i started fucking dry heaving behind the register i REALLY thought i was going to be sick it was a close thing #i couldnt even call my coworker up i just had to fucking dip and pray she realized i was gone (she did thank fuck) #and then i was shaking really bad really freaking out still fucking dry heaving in the back of the store and it was just. #easily one of the worst experiences ive had in a LONG time like december will not leave me alone <- covid then appendicitis and now this WH #and my manager hadnt been in the store at the time but she came in thru the back and saw me and i was like hey haha funny story #and she was so concerned and told me to stay in back as long as i needed and that i could go home if i wanted to etc etc #ended up bringing my bag back for me and bringing me water and she checked in on me every 5-10 mins until my parents finally got there #she was rly nice and rly understanding and then the coworker i abandoned who is also kind of my manager. also came back #and SHE was ALSO super fucking sweet about it really concerned didnt want me to feel bad abt it (i feel so fucking bad abt it) #i did end up having to go home early bc. dear god. and i texted my manager just now asking if i could leave a bit earlier tomorrow #bc im supposed to have another 8 hour shift but i didnt even make it to 4 hours today and im rly nervy abt it happening again #and she straight up was like 'are you sure? i was genuinely planning on covering your shift myself' SHE DOESNT EVEN WORK UP FRONT #SHE'D BE GOING BACK AND FORTH BETWEEN THE REGISTER AND KITCHEN AND SHE'D BE THERE FOR AT LEAST OVER 12 HOURS #like okay. okay. when i texted my parents abt it dad told me 'its probably just nerves. try to push through it' #but my manager and coworkers r gonna be the sweetest kindest most understanding people about it. okay. sure. okay. #surely u see why i am exploding WHY ARE THEY SO NICE?????????? i feel so fucking guilty GOD #alyalyoxenfree

[autistic-shaiapouf]

It feels so genuinely strange to feel at peace after being in crisis mode for so many years. My therapist said it takes, on average, 2 years for the results of (C-)PTSD recovery to made visible and I'm right on target for it; it's just. I feel okay and it's starting to sink in.

Good things have happened this year and they don't feel like they're gonna be taken away, I've met very good people and they don't feel out of my grasp. I'm actually getting to know myself, seeing what my autism wants from the world, the candles and incense and sprays pointing me towards sensory seeking (and that's okay!), the special interest in music pulling me in all directions (and that's okay!), spending lots of time reading and changing up what I was taught constitutes a meal by breaking it down (and that's okay!).

I don't actively dislike my field of work, have hobbies I engage in, friends I engage with, a vehicle the same year I got my license, I feel like I'm breathing for the very first time.

I'm okay, and it's starting to really feel that way.

#i've been thinking about this a lot lately. that i feel okay. i came home after closing with the pharmacy and sat down with a book #i had some food cobbled together for something to have before bed bc i need to get groceries today #i might finish my book today and i have so many more to pick from; considering re-opening comms in a few days too #it's just. i feel like i'm beginning to take up space in my own life and now that i'm doing that i want to take as much as possible #i want everything i can grab onto and it's exciting!! sometime this month marked 2 years since i dropped off that letter to my parents #about why i left and was cutting contact and. everything i have done since then. the new stuff and the new friends and the general autonomy #oh the autonomy! being a person on my own! acting in my interests and being allowed to be silly bc it makes me happy #happy to have more books more mugs more candles.. i'm starting to actually get to know myself and it's something i've never had a chance #to actually do; i see myself. i see him #i see him and i love him. #shai speaks