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harmonictechnicality · 1 year

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Eddie's Memory Log: Day 30

part 1 here | part 2 here | part 4 here | part 5 here | part 6 here

(ao3 link here)

After one whole month of documenting Eddie Munson’s semi-fucked memory levels, Steve has come across a few crucial bullet points:

Eddie never forgets his own name.

If Eddie’s pain levels are bad, so are his memories.

Eddie likes the lime jello better than the chocolate pudding, except he always forgets.

Eddie’s memory is worse after the weekend, but it gets better throughout the week.

Eddie can hum the theme songs to all of the shitty soap operas (even on bad days).

Eddie’s memory is at its best if he’s had multiple visitors the day before.

And maybe the most important bullet of them all:

Eddie always remembers three people (Wayne, Dustin, and Steve).

Memory Log: Day 31

It’s Monday, which means Steve hasn’t seen Eddie all weekend. The knuckleheads and Hellfire lemmings take the weekend shift since they don’t have school. Steve should be grateful for the time off, but he can’t help but wonder how Eddie is feeling - if he’s throwing hissy fits or being confectionery sweet to all of his guests.

The curiosity and concern has settled its way into Steve’s routine during his days off. That’s just how it is.

And that’s exactly why Mondays are becoming Steve’s (secret) favorite day, despite Eddie’s brain managing the slightest soft-reset after the weekend.

“Is he a Hyde or a Kathy today?” Steve asks the nurse at the visitor check-in counter.

He knows the majority of the staff by now, and they’ve all adopted his Eddie Behavioral Lingo. Steve is getting far too cocky about being the hospital trendsetter.

“He’s um…” the nurse's gaze drifts up to Eddie’s door.

Shit. Steve bursts into the room because he already knows exactly what that translates to.

It’s a high-pain day. Eddie affectionately calls them Grendel Days - he finally decided to play along with their lackluster literary references.

Oh yeah… Eddie remembers Beowulf

“Hey, hero.” Steve speaks in a lower volume because loud noises are brutal on days like this. “I heard that Grendel crashed the party today, huh?”

Admittedly, Steve had Dustin retell the important chunks of Beowulf to him cause there’s no way in Nerd Hell that Steve was going to read that fantasy bible of theirs.

Eddie squints one eye open to look at Steve. “That son of a bitch is trying to slice open my goddamn kidneys, I swear.”

“Should I get my nail bat?”

“You’re what?”

Damnit.

Eddie remembers zero fucking percent about their monster battles (and it’s probably best to keep it that way while he’s still recovering).

“Not important.” It is but whatever. Best to just change topics. “Can I interest you in any pain distractions?”

“What are you gonna do exactly - open your letterman jacket and offer me a lollipop?” Eddie snorts at his own joke before slumping over, holding his sides.

Steve wags his finger at him. “See, that is karma for being so mean to me all the time.”

“That?”

“All this pain you’re having.”

“Actually, I think it’s because I’m some type of Demonic Tinker Bell.” Eddie offers, fake coughing into his hand. “If not enough people are calling me freak, I start to die.”

It’s just a joke, but Steve is not so keen on his friends joking about things like Mortality anymore.

Still, he laughs. Plays along easily. “All hail the freak.”

Eddie stops his fake coughing fit.

“And just like that, my wings of darkness have returned.” Eddie flicks his wrist theatrically, giving Steve the weakest smile. “See? Much better.”

But it’s not Much Better. Eddie spends the rest of the visit seething with internal pains. Switchboard style - one area inflicting jolts of throbbing agony, then another. Eddie grabs wherever it hurts the most. Sometimes he can’t touch every pain point, it’s just too widespread.

Maybe Steve should… No. He’s not sure his hands could stop the hurt any better. He’s not a doctor and he’s not fucking magic. Steve is just the guy that wears offensively bright sweaters and watches Eddie’s torture spectacle from a front row seat.

They don’t talk much after that.

Eddie can’t talk through the pain. And apparently… neither can Steve.

Memory Log: Day 35

The pain has been monstrous all week long. They’ve had to plug Eddie’s heart monitor back in because his heart rate tends to skyrocket when waves of pain hit. It used to be easy to forget that Eddie suffered anything other than head trauma.

Not anymore. Not with his room beeping like a terminal metronome at all hours.

Steve stops asking Eddie’s novel-based behavior levels because he already knows the answer. Wishes he didn’t.

“Munson?” The lights are off, which helps with Eddie’s headaches. That’s good. Less pain in his head, behind his eyes. Small victories.

“Go home.” Eddie’s breathing sounds labored.

Steve settles into his chair anyways. “Can’t.”

“I’m not in the mood.”

“Me neither.”

“Steve, I swear.”

“Like a sailor.”

Eddie chuckles. “Hurts to laugh.”

Seeing Eddie like this is god awful. He should be shredding on his guitar or mocking Dustin senseless for his clashing pattern combinations. He shouldn't be wrapping his arms around his torso, confining the pain that’s mangling him from the inside out.

“We’ve gotta find a way to get Grendel out of your system, man.” Steve bends down to Eddie’s eye level. “Cause this fucking blows.”

Eddie opens both eyes this time - they’re so sunken in. “… Grendel?”

Shit no.

If Eddie’s pain levels are bad, so are his memories.

Steve tries again anyway. “You know… from Beowulf?”

“Sounds cool.” Eddie eye’s close again. “Are they a band?”

Eddie doesn’t remember Beowulf.

“You think everything sounds like a band name…” Steve mumbles, ignoring the disappointment pinging in his mind.

Eddie reaches for the guitar pick on his neck - one of his bandmates brought it by a couple weeks ago. He rubs his thumb over it as if he can transfer memories through fingerprints.

“Hometown Slut.” Eddie sends a sideways smile over towards Steve. “Snatching virginities and record deals.”

Okay. Fuck. Eddie remembers inside jokes. That seems like a big fucking deal.

Steve attempts to not overreact with this revelation. Avoid another hair ruffling/thumbs-up situation. “Did you have to use the word ‘snatch’ in your weird little slogan?”

“Oh the word choice was very unavoidable, Stevie boy.”

Steve shuts the notebook, focuses on keeping Eddie distracted from his pain. “What about your band?”

“What about it?”

“Do you remem…” Steve searches for another phrase. “Do you think you can tell me the name?”

“Alright, please stop treating ‘remember’ like it’s a dirty word.” Eddie whines. “I’m not the fucking cable version of Breakfast Club. Stop censoring yourself around me.”

“Right.” Steve opens the binder back up.

Eddie doesn’t remember…

“Corroded Coffin.”

Phew. Eddie does remember his band.

“Do you remember what instrument you play?” Steve puts emphasis on the un-censored word.

“Accordion.”

“Be serious.”

“Polka is dripping in sincerity.”

Steve pinches the skin between his eyebrows. Truly, it’s impressive that Eddie can still manage to be a massive prick, even when he’s writhing in pain. It’s like he’s going for the goddamn gold medal of assholery.

“Guitar.” Eddie dangles the pick around, somewhat peeved. “Now can we chill with the third degree for today, officer?”

Steve notices Eddie’s monitor is beeping faster than it was when he first entered the room. That sobers him up from his irritation.

“Yeah, sure.” He sighs. “No more questions for today.”

Eddie cuts him a devious look. “Well I didn’t say that now, did I?”

“Huh?”

“Oh the vapid look is not nearly as cute as you think it is.” Eddie lifts himself up slightly from his stack of pillows. He flattens them out and into a pillow wall as he sits upright. “How about I ask the questions today?”

“Why? I’m not the one who’s struggling with brain stuff.” Steve walks over to give him a hand. Eddies seems to be struggling with his strength, which is to be expected after becoming a fucking bat buffet.

“That’s debatable.” Eddie mumbles.

Steve’s close enough to feel his breath as he pushes the pillows comfortably around Eddie’s new sitting position.

It’s not weird, the close contact or the breath. Steve has been helping Eddie with gross shit for a month - holding his hair when he starts puking or coughing up blood. Unraveling him from tubes and cords because Eddie is notorious for twisting himself into a medical straight jacket with this shit.

It’s not weird… it’s just weird how aware Steve is of Eddie’s breath. How warm and jagged it feels, even through his layered clothes.

Maybe Eddie is aware too, because he starts breathing through his nose the longer the silence is drawn out between them. Steve finally takes a step back, creates a non-breath-touching distance once again.

“Humor me then.” Eddie fills the tense pause.

Steve crosses his arms. “Don’t I always?”

“No. Usually, you aggravate me.” But see, why do Eddie’s eyes get all shimmery when he says snarky shit? And why does Steve suddenly use words like shimmery to describe Eddie Munson?

Why does it remind him of those sequined dresses that girls wear to homecoming dances when Eddie’s eyes do that shimmery thing? It’s like his mind is taking the insults and turning them into compliments, which is so bizarre.

“Steve?”

Shit, right. Say something instead of thinking about Eddie’s sequined eyes, goddamnit. “Yeah?”

Real original, asshole.

“Just… look.” Eddie taps his fingers against this side of his bed. “There’s sharp pains shooting through every fucking limb on my body right now. I just need a distraction today - not a pop quiz.”

Yeah, Steve offered the distraction idea at the beginning of the week. But really, that’s not what he’s here to do. He’s here for the kids. He’s here to fill his jobless life with a meaningful task. Help Eddie the way he couldn’t help him in the Upside Down.

But the kids have no idea what it’s like every day. How some days, they are friendly and comfortable with one another. How some days, there’s a verbal boxing match between them - and on those days, they’re both the losers.

How some days, Steve is the one getting flustered instead of Eddie (who’s usually being called out for staring at Steve’s hair or arms or whatever else his eyes decide to fixate on).

Nobody else knows how many climates this hospital room can hold. Nobody besides Steve and Eddie.

“Fine.” Steve decides after mulling it over for far too long. “I’ll be your distraction.”

“Careful, Steve.” Eddie breaks the non-breath-touching distance, poking Steve’s wrist. “You almost sound flattered.”

“Hardly.” Bad time to bring up the word hard - when they’re seesawing between taunts and flirtations. Thank god for the binder Steve’s holding, obscuring any part of his anatomy that could potentially betray his coolness at the moment.

“Go ahead, Munson.” Steve backs away from Eddie’s touch. “Ask your questions.”

Eddie runs the entire thing as if he were a late night talk show host. Uses his hospital side table as his interview desk. Pretends his empty jello container is his microphone. Calls Steve his ‘special guest’ the whole time. Steve scoots his chair right next to Eddie’s bed, just to keep up the talk show charade.

An hour into it, they’re both feeding off one another’s energy and attention. Steve can tell by the way Eddie’s fingers unclench from his sides and his teeth stop gritting together, that his pain is subsiding - or perhaps it’s no longer at the focal point of his mind. His heart monitor is at a tempo that seems ideal - less fast and less choppy. More like a ballad than a pop song.

Eddie’s questions range from common to outright strange. He asks Steve shit like, ‘what’s your favorite breakfast food?’ And then follows it up with, ‘okay - but if you could only eat scrambled eggs for dinner, would they still be your favorite breakfast? Or does time of day play a vital role in your food preferences?’

“Does it fucking matter?” Steve rolls his eyes. More than annoyed by Eddie’s constant need to play devil’s advocate.

“Nothing matters, Harrington.” Eddie replies. “And please stop answering my questions with more questions. This isn’t a goddamn improv game.”

Eddie remembers how to be a pain in the ass.

Steve doesn’t write it down, doesn’t really need to. “What the hell is an improv game?”

“I swear to Johnny Carson, I’ll kick you off my show.”

“Whatever.” Steve isn’t any less confused, but what’s new. “I guess time of day does matter a little bit.”

“Ha! Knew it. You’re so predictable.”

“And you’re a fucking handful.”

“That’s high praise coming from such an esteemed guest of the show.” Eddie’s hand is splayed over his chest, over his heart. The heart that’s beating like a ballad and not a pop song according to his monitor.

Okay stop.

Steve knows this is a game. A shtick. So why is his face heating up? Why are his palms sweatier than they were twenty minutes ago? Why does Steve keep wondering what Eddie’s eyelashes feel like against his cheek when he flutters them in that overly dramatic way?

The clock interrupts his questioning. Probably for the best.

They exchange goodbyes. Eddie always gets a little concerned that Steve might not show up again. Steve always tucks his bitchiness away to reassure Eddie that he’ll be back on Monday.

It’s their routine. Not just Steve’s routine. It’s theirs now.

Memory Log: Day 38

It’s Monday. Soft-reset day. Steve’s new favorite day.

“Hey, Steve.” One of the nurses stops him on his way to Eddie’s room.

Her name is Sam - Steve likes Sam the best because she lets him stay longer on days when Eddie feels his shittiest. She also gives him gum to help with his nerves.

Hospitals do that sometimes. They just activate his nerves like glow sticks. Snapping and crackling the radioactive colors that make his stomach churn.

Anyways, the gum helps.

“What’s up?” Steve asks.

“Just wondering,” Sam gives him a pleasant smile. “Do we have a code for Eddie’s good days?”

“Good days?” They don’t hear that phrase often around here. “I don’t think so.”

“Maybe you should think of one.” She starts flipping through some files. “He’s been in great spirits for three days now.”

Three days? Steve rarely gets three hours of Eddie being in great spirits. The guy is a perpetual ghoul, so this is definitely something to celebrate.

Steve makes a pit stop to the vending machine. Grabs them a couple of root beers and candy bars for the occasion. Look, it’s not champagne and hors d’oeuvres, but it’ll suffice. Besides, Eddie doesn’t strike him as a ritzy kind of dude anyways. He’d probably make some joke like, ‘you mean to tell me that a whore made these d’ouevres?’

Jesus christ, Steve’s been hanging out with Eddie for too long.

“There’s my favorite lady killer.” Eddie is already grinning as Steve walks in the door.

Still remembers Steve is a Hometown Slut (of all the things that would stick to his brain… why that?)

“Seriously, you look sharp today.”

Steve’s knees lock at the compliment. “Um. Thanks. So do you.”

And the crazy part is, he means that. There’s a peachy color returning back to Eddie’s skin. The bags under his eyes are a faded gray instead of an Almost Black.

And his hair. Eddie’s hair is actually untangled. His curls are fluffed out, sort of feathery at the ends. Maybe somebody trimmed all of the dead pieces off because it looks... Well, it looks nice.

Steve kind of hates to admit that.

“Guessing your pain levels are better?”

“You guess right.” Eddie nods. “Whatever meds they gave me Friday night finally kicked Grendel’s lousy ass.”

Eddie remembers Beowulf again.

“Glad to hear it.” Steve is trying to process how great things are going. Eddie’s complexion. Eddie’s memories. It’s never this clear on Mondays. Steve tries to just be grateful to have a day like this, but he can’t help but wonder why.

Why now?

“Eggs for breakfast?” Eddie is fiddling with his necklace again.

Steve jerks his head up. “You… didn’t forget?”

“Don’t get too excited.” Eddie gestures to Steve’s pants. “Because I wish I could forget those ridiculous khakis that you always wear on Mondays.”

“Shit, really?”

“What’s the deal with that anyways?” Eddie’s nose scrunches up at the question. “Laundry day or something?”

“I…” Yes.

“Or do you think your ass just looks better in lighter colors?”

“Well…” Also yes.

Eddie winks. “Looks like your ability to complete a sentence is just as fucked as my memory, huh Stevie?”

Steve nervously runs his hands through his hair. “This is just a lot to process, sorry.”

And it is. Steve starts jotting everything down before he starts to forget:

Eddie remembers Steve’s favorite breakfast food.

Eddie remembers Steve wearing khakis on previous Mondays.

Eddie remembers Steve’s Memory Fucked inside joke.

Eddie remembers a shit ton about Steve.

Eddie remembers.

Very lightly, Steve scribbles on the corner of the page:

Eddie notices Steve’s ass…

The rest of the visit is pretty awesome, one of the best ones they’ve ever had. Eddie recalls practically everything from Friday, which is blowing Steve’s mind. They talk about his visit with Dustin on Sunday, and how excited Eddie is to see Wayne on Thursday. Steve doesn’t even bother with taking more notes because Eddie remembers it all.

They talk like real friends today. Friends that occasionally notice other friend’s asses or get lost in their sequined eyes, but still. It’s somewhere in the ballpark of friends, right? Whatever it is, it’s better than ripping each other apart with insults. That’s gotta count for something.

Eddie falls asleep an hour before visiting hours are over. He falls asleep still smiling from the last joke he told before dozing off. Steve studies his facial features because he can finally see more of them (Eddie’s bangs were trimmed too, thank god).

He’s still pretty banged up. Cuts that overlap and bruises that change gradient the further up they spread. As if the softer parts of Eddie are still freshly wounded. That’s not how it works, Steve has been beaten up enough to know that people don’t bruise like fruit. Not really.

Steve can just see more of Eddie now, which is proving to be a dangerous road to travel down. Way too many detours to let his mind wander. Think. Overthink.

He thinks Eddie is attractive. That’s the detour he’s taking tonight. And if this person didn’t already occupy so much space in his mind, that detour might be more shocking to him. But it’s barely registering on the shock-meter.

Eddie’s unharmed features are highlighted in attractiveness against the purples and grays and reds. It’s almost impossible not to notice that he’s attractive when his face has this many colors. This much character.

Steve doesn’t know what’s going on. This could all be his exhaustion kicking in. Or maybe Eddie’s great spirits has twisted Steve’s outlook on things. Or maybe it’s an illusion from the Better Day they’ve shared together.

The only clear answer that Steve has right now is that Eddie remembers him. And that fucking means something.

Steve stops by to tell Sam the good news on his way out.

“I think he’s getting better.”

Sam nods once. “He definitely feels better, I’ll give you that.”

“Sure, but…” Steve begins. “I think his memory is getting better too. He remembers the littlest details about me.”

“Steve.”

“That’s huge, right?” Steve is so awestruck. “Like… I don’t know, Sam. Maybe he’ll get to go home soon.”

She doesn’t respond right away. Her eyes just keep shifting between Steve and Eddie’s door.

“I think I need to show you something.”

That can’t be good. Her tone is very, ‘speak with me after class, young man.’

They quietly walk back into Eddie’s room. Sam motions her head for Steve to approach Eddie’s bedside. Cautiously, Steve does.

She gently pulls back Eddie’s thin blanket, and Steve feels the air vacate his fucking lungs.

Eddie’s arms. There’s tape and IVs and tattoos and scars - all of the usual stuff.

But then there’s writing. Eddie is covered in black ink, scribbled notes filling in all the gaps of his pale skin. Steve can’t make out most of the words - it’s all messy.

But there’s one word he spots over and over again.

‘Steve.’

It’s all messy, sure. But it’s all about him.

“Holy shit.” Steve whispers, quickly looking towards Sam. “Sorry, didn’t mean to swear.”

“No, that’s an appropriate response.” Of course she’d be cool about him swearing.

Without waking up Eddie, he begins to decipher the notes as best as he can:

Scrambled eggs. Extra hold hairspray. Hyde or Kathy. Yellow sweater. Khakis on Mondays.

There are notes on things they haven’t talked about as well. Things that Eddie has just observed:

Steve visits Mon-Fri.

Steve laughs at all of your jokes, even the mean ones.

Steve applies chapstick when he’s nervous.

Steve will untangle your wires without making it weird.

The name Steve no longer sounds the same after reading it fifteen times over.

“I’m so sorry, sweetie.” Sam places a hand on Steve’s back. “It’s not that he’s remembering everything again.”

“Oh.”

“He just doesn’t want to forget you.”

No. That can’t be right. That can’t be possible. Of course Eddie knows who Steve is. Of course he does.

Steve finds a shitty excuse to get the hell out of this place. He’s polite about it because Sam is a kindhearted person, but this is so fucking unfair. Every last bit of it, down the last ink stain on Eddie’s nondominant arm.

Max isn’t awake. Eddie still has a skim-milk memory. Nothing has gotten better?

Well that shit ends today. Because whatever detour Steve’s mind discovered tonight, it’s leading him down a fucking freeway of tenacity. He’s fueled by whatever attraction or feelings he’s developing for Eddie. Whether it’s friendship or something more, it really doesn’t matter. Not after tonight.

Steve just cares about Eddie way too much to let his mind rot away like this. He’s too close, too connected to the problem to let it go unsolved forever.

As soon as Steve gets home, he calls Robin.

“Really, dingus?” Robin answers the phone like that. Annoyed and groaning already. “It’s late and I’m neck-deep in a John Hughes marathon.”

“It’s about Eddie.” Steve gets right to it.

“Is he okay?”

“I don’t know.”

“Oh fuck.” She exhales loudly. “How can I help?”

“You’re friends with his bandmates, right?”

“Yeah, kinda. Why?”

Steve flips through the memory log. Locates one of his crucial bullet points:

Eddie can hum the theme songs to all of the shitty soap operas (even on bad days).

“I need you to ask them to make a mixtape of Eddie’s favorite songs.” Steve requests. “And it should be in chronological order. From stuff he liked as a kid, to stuff he’s into now.”

“Okay…” Robin pauses. “And you think this will help?”

“I don’t know.” Which is true, it could be a big waste of time. “But I’ve gotta try something.”

This might be dumb. But music helped them defeat(ish) Vecna. So there’s a possibility it could massage the knots in Eddie’s mind. Relax him enough to remember his life. All of it.

“Oh, and one more thing.” Steve adds before hanging up.

“What?”

Steve hits the accelerator on his freeway of tenacity.

“I need my fucking car back.”

#steddie #steve harrington #eddie munson #steddie ficlet #these are getting longer than I ever thought they would be I'm sorry!#but things are gonna get way more flirty next time 😏#oh and I’ve read this too many times to know if it’s decent anymore #so if it’s mush… that is why 🙃#and please bonk me on the head if I forget to tag you please xx

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sciderman · 29 days

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I swear I have read your big post regarding Peter Parker's neurodivergence and why it is best to avoid labelling him, but he definitely has a weird brain

Can't find it and feel kinda sad about it cuz I deeply related to it

i know exactly which post you're talking about and i can't find it either! i've raked through my archive, and it's just - nowhere to be seen. i think tumblr eated it (it happens.)

really, tumblr's search functionality is so so useless, i don't know what to tell you. there are plenty of keywords i can search to find it that post, but the search functionality actually just does not work!

undiagnosed audhd-addled peter parker, my darling, my light, my life, my everything.

i think peter parker's such an interesting creature to write, because a lot of people will point to a certain behaviour about him and say "this is an autistic thing, right?" but a lot of those behaviours are actually, in my head, tied to certain traumas in peter's life too.

people say "oh, the food thing, peter's a picky eater because he's autistic" and yes, absolutely. but also it's tied to his trauma with his parents.

peter gets overstimulated, and yes, it's an autism thing, but also he was bitten by a radioactive spider and his senses are dialled to 11.

it's a similar case i've found for myself, too – where a lot of friends i have kind of diagnose me because i have autistic traits, but actually - i'm hesitant to claim the label or pursue diagnosis because, actually, i know where these certain behaviours come from, and they come from certain traumas. there are events i can pinpoint in my life and say "yep. that's where this behaviour comes from."

so - i think there's a lot of overlap between trauma and autistic traits. the brain is very complex! i think the reason for that overlap is maybe as simple as the fact that people with autism and people with trauma are both doing the same thing - developing behaviours to protect themselves or soothe themselves. so - i think it's nice to be able to see a character like peter parker, who may or may not be autistic, but recognise behaviours in him and see yourself in him.

people who go undiagnosed for whatever reason - people who are really good at masking - so good, in fact, that they have no idea they might be on the spectrum - everyone and anyone at all can look at peter parker and recognise themselves. because i think we discredit the thought that every single brain does the same thing! develops certain behaviours in order to survive. every brain has that same software - we've just all been faced with different hardships that we need to overcome, and that's were all the differences come in.

autism is a spectrum, i guess - everyone falls into it to some degree. and i think events in your life probably push you along on it. but i don't know, i didn't study brain science. probably what i'm saying is very stupid and uninformed. of course there's brain chemistry involved. but i know people in my life living with autism and certain events in their life have exacerbated certain behaviours or made coping with it a lot more difficult. so maybe trauma is a catalyst.

#a lot of my traits have been exacerbated lately and i remember it was much easier for me before #and some of my friends have said “oh it's because you've been masking too long and now you're facing autistic burnout.”#and that made sense to me i think.#but then i found out about the stress thing. me overproducing stress hormone. and that's a very physical thing.#and that explains why i've been overstimulated more than usual lately. and why everything feels like too much.#and i wonder how many of these traits of mine are going to subside once i have lamar removed #and it makes me wonder a lot of things. and it's so weird how much your brain is tied to your biology.#i wonder how much i'll change. i wonder how i'll feel. i wonder if i'll still feel like me. i wonder how much me is me right now.#and how much of me is being altered by weird freaky hormones. who am i?? who will i be??#i'm almost looking at this as like. a superhero origin story of some sort. like this is my spider-bite moment. maybe.#will i be different? will i cope with things differently?? now that my body isn't fighting something anymore??#maybe i'll be normal. i don't know. i don't know.#i don't know what it'll mean for me.#but all of these things mean i relate to peter parker in a certain kind of way #i don't think you have to be diagnosed with autism to recognise and empathise with those traits i think #i think everyone can see themselves in peter. and i think that's the benefit of having characters that aren't diagnosed.#because there's so much overlap in the human experience. and certain feelings aren't exclusive to just one group of people.#peter has such a rich identity actually. it's an autistic thing. it's a queer thing. it's a jewish thing. it's a trauma thing.#there are so many overlapping parts of peter's identity that inform who he is and how he behaves and it's never just one thing.#it's a product of all of his things.#just like me! just like everyone.#so me? i guess i can be a million things. you can explain what i am in a million different ways.#a hundred different psychologists can all come up with different ways to explain why i be the way i be.#i don't think it's something that can be simplified.#sorry wow. i'm really going off here in the tags.#i hope people don't think i'm stupid. i don't know brain science. i'm just philosophising as usual.#sci speaks

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beesinspades · 11 months

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plea for people who have ace headcanons and write those characters as ace "by default" to tag their fics with 'asexual character' even if it's not explicitly or implicitly mentioned so that I can find them without having to go through a hundred fics that hit me in the face with varying degrees of said-characters thirsting over their partner first

for explicit and implicit mentions of your ace headcanons you can use "asexual [character name]" as well. thank you.

signed: me, a tired asexual whose second main reason for not reading many fics is exactly this

#fanfiction #asexual #ao3 #i'm dead serious #like if a character is ace in your head and you just write them Like That without thinking please tag it as asexual character it 100% count #a fic being rated G or T isn't safe enough it doesn't mean character A won't start thinking about how lickable character B's neck is #i have been faced with sudden s*xual attraction way too many times please make my life easier i'm begging #even if the fic is rated M or E but the character is ace in your head and thus there's no s*xual attraction I potentially want to see it!!!#sorry have to censor that word because it prevents posts from appearing in the tags

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absenthearted · 1 year

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LITTLE RED RIDING HOOD || HACKEARNEY + ALTERNATE UNIVERSES [1/?]

A girl walks into the woods, and a wolf walks out.

The village has a tradition: a girl is chosen as a sacrifice to the Wolf. The Huntsman leads the Chosen into the woods and keeps vigil at the entrance.

The girl does not come back. The Wolf stays away.

This is how it has always been—until now.

#hackearney #travis hackett #laura kearney #the quarry #travis x laura #hackearney AU gifseries #a concept series for AUs i may never write lmao #idk how many i'll actually make since i'm fairly limited with what i can use for travis lol #but i have a very tentative idea for a historical one at least #at some point #anyway you can interpret the gifs and the caption however you wish but it was inspired partly by for the wolf by hannah whitten #and obviously diverges quite a bit from the original fairytale but i think you can spin it multiple ways #i've always loved the idea of red as both the girl and the wolf; and wanted to keep laura's wolf transformation in #(which she does! in that music video! but the makeup was a lil too cheesy lol but i actually loved that video lmao)#this started out as a ~no plot just vibes~ thing but then i went on a little mini worldbuilding spiral for this #maybe i'll make a post about it. maybe i'll write it at some point?? who knows #which. these tags are already too long so i won't get into it lmao but! sources!#1&2: mariah scary and the ghoulish cauldrons 'werewolf valentine' MV #4: red riding hood (2011)#sorry the quality is not great on these gifs i did my best #sometimes i make things #wait sorry 3: the trailer for red light bc i couldn’t think of another gif to use for him lol

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ghostfacetheballfondler · 3 months

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you can't destigmatize mental illness by playing into respectability politics

#actually npd #actuallynpd #npd #cluster b #personality disorder #neurodivergent #autism #adhd #tagging a few disorders i have #''erm i'm autistic but i'm normal in social situations and am not cringe. anyone who isn't like me is a bad person''#''erm i have adhd but i'm not annoying and hyper. if you're not like me you're a bad person''#''erm i have ocd but i don't have those disgusting intrusive thoughts. if you have them you are a bad person''#''erm i have npd but i have never manipulated and i'm not self centered. if you aren't like me then you are the reason why ableists hate us'#<- i have seen so many people say those things #it is unreal #they're the most annoying types of people too #sorry my npd isn't just ''hot sexy and always correct''#sometimes the personality disorder affects my personality in a negative way. shocking!

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evanzbuck · 1 year

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RAFAEL SILVA appreciation series: ↳ with castmates

#rafael silva #rafaelsilvaedit #911 lone star cast #911 ls cast #rafaseries #userkimmy #tusersonia #tuserpaige #useraninha #userpickles #tusersilence #usertriz #mine #tuesday!!!!#i'm not tagging everyone i'm sorry #and i'll probably make one rafa + ronen post in the future bc they have way too many chaotic moments together #couldn't fit them all here

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hecatesbroom · 5 days

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every time I rewatch the Rusty Anchor bathroom scene, it becomes gayer and gayer

#the amount of weight and emotion blanche puts behind every single one of her words #that scene (and actually the entire episode) carries the weight of a genuine love confession #i'm serious. the way blanche gets a little upset with dorothy for ''taking her place'' first #the way dorothy almost walks away but blanche can't let her leave. so she stops her with a very very intimate confession (''i'm jealous'')#the way jealous seems to mean ''i love you'' the way she says it #like i'm sorry but i don't think too many people tear up while telling their friend they're jealous of them #especially not after telling your friend how beautiful she is and how she lights up a room when she sings #hello there??#and that final question blanche asks dorothy #if she's jealous of *her* sometimes too #i have THOUGHTS about it #(yes i just rewatched that scene for the umpteenth time for research purposes. what of it)#the golden girls #blanche devereaux #dorothy zbornak #blanche x dorothy #...my whole post is in the tags again isn't it

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willczek-art · 6 months

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Andy and @bratniadusza's Ollie, ghoul-hunting on Halloween!

Who knows, maybe they will be lucky this year?

[Here's how the actual linocut turned out! :D]

(traditional original under the cut)

#halloween #my oc #illustration #my art #tradigital #this is a sketch made on linoleum! I'll be making a print out of this!! :D #there's no world in which it ends up looking good BUT IM STILL VERY MUCH HYPED #my strategy for digital retouches these days is just ValuesTM and way too many textures~ hope you like it!! :DD #i dont draw our boys enough HOPEFULLY WE WILL CHANGE THAT WITH a very secret sideproject shhh #also sorry this is late I MADE MY DEBUT AS A DM THIS HALLOWEEN and was kinda busy rotating that in my brain #well technically MC since i'm running the City of Mist starter pack and technically it was for like... half of an hour BUT STILL. VERY HYPE #ocs #oc art #friend's oc #bratnia dusza's Oliver #oc Oliver #oc Andy #ghosthunting #its been way too long since i drew them I can remember any of my tags for them xD #uken #ghosthunters au #haunted howls

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eighteenninetyninepubkid · 8 months

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uhh umm running out of lyrics don't repost pleasee pretty pleasseee

#mello death note #mihael keehl #sorry for the fat watermark #it was the smallest i could make it without it being unreadable #also sorry if i'm flooding the tag #hopefully im not posting too much #sorry if i am #death note #mello #art #my art #ibis paint #sorry if im dry #next post MIGHT be a #or alby #or alternative #this is way too many tags #bye bye #have a good one

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scorpiusmalfoylovesoscarwilde · 6 months

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most days I'm so chill with the fact I'm non-contact with my father, it was the best decision, I hate him, my life is so much more peaceful without him

then bam it's a random Tuesday at 8pm and I'm sobbing because I miss having a dad, like, excuse me what is this??

#im ping ponging between its all his fault he made all those decisions to maybe he was doing what he thought was right #i barely ever had a dad so i dont know what im crying for pff #if he died tomorrow I'm not sure I'd go to his funereal I don't want him at my wedding #but sometimes I want him to just hold me and read me narnia like he did when I was 9 #my parents were terrible but its cause they didnt know what they were doing but i dont know how to make peace with that #would it have killed them to be nice to me?#this is very simplified but yk #gonna go read some draco scorpius centred fanfics now to make me cry more cant wait!!#i hate him i hate him i HATE HIM I HATE HIM #but i didnt always and i dont want to but there are things you just cant take back #anywayz thats enough trauma dumping on main lmfao #if anyone has any father child centred fanfictions do let me know and give them to me plz thanks #daddy issues #are screaming #scorpius malfoy #and god do i hate his new wife #this is way too many tags im sorry to anyone whos made it down here lmfao

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dragonncat · 1 year

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hey. shoutout to the aros who DO enjoy valentine's day. shoutout to the ones who repurpose it for platonic, familial, or self love. shoutout to the ones that do not need comfort or pity this valentine's day but simply recognition.

shoutout to aromantics that send valentines to their friends. that treat themselves. that tell loved ones "happy valentine's day, i love you." that bask in the love and positivity the holiday brings. that participate in valentine's day events. that watch sappy romcoms for valentine's day. that use it as an excuse to draw ship art of their blorbos. that give their pets heart-shaped treats. that dress up in hearts and pink. that bake heart-shaped cookies. that shop for cute love-themed decorations. that look forward to chocolate sales tomorrow.

because valentine's day can be fun. you don't need a romantic valentine's date to enjoy it.

#this goes for single allos too!#but i felt like this was important to say for aros #because i've seen so many posts feeling sorry for me #but i'm living my best life #i made boxes of silly valentines gifts and homemade cookies and sent them to my friends #i told my mom i loved her #i dressed all pink #and i got to eat candy!#so i don't need anyone pitying me #i just want to show love and joy my way #dragonn talks #dragonn rants #aromantic #aro #aro tag #aroace #valentines day #queer tag

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angelsdean · 1 year

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my toxic trait is over analysing things which is probably why my brain has always defaulted to thinking that misha seemed genuine a year ago with what he said (twice!) & then it spread way too far & even wb being like "it's cool!" wasn't enough because it wouldn't have just affected him? there would've been implications towards certain people, & he was going through a divorce + custody arrangement. idk i guess i just don't see it as black & white as some others (sry for the not very fun ask! 😅)

don't worry lol but literally same i don't think it's very black and white as ppl make it out to be and i think it's ridic to think there's Not a possibility that he was lying abt being straight like, we'll literally never know but it's Not impossible to think maybe there are Reasons he would not want to deal with an Official Coming Out of any kind.

disclaimer for tinhatty thoughts ahead lol:

but seriously. IF he were to publicly come out as bi that Would lead people (esp tabloids) to speculate More and Dig into his personal life. and IF say he IS in some kind of relationship with his ex-costar who is seemingly straight and in a seemingly monogamous marriage AND they've also both got kids AND misha was going thru a divorce and custody things.....i mean, it's complicated. and if that all came out it would be messy. and it's not just his life that would be affected IF he were in some relationship w/ jensen or a poly relationship w/ jenneel. A LOT of people would not understand it or be okay with it. like, it's easy to be accepting of polyamory and different kinds of relationships in our little queer internet bubbles but the majority of the general public is still very not okay with these things and it's not really normalized. i know from personal experience just talking to very liberal friends and family abt the topic of polyamory, it's still something a lot of people can't really wrap their minds around. so IF all of those things were true, it would definitely be easier to just, lie and say you're straight to avoid inviting all that speculation and digging into your private life which also involves other people.

personally i think misha has always liked living in an ambiguous space re: his sexuality and for years felt comfortable hinting and insinuating things but never outright stating anything. and i think he thought he was safe doing that at like cons and that his fans would Get It. but then things spread like wildfire last year and people ran too far with his little comment. when it was happening i was watching it all like, ok but he was clearly making a little joke. like who hasn't made a Risky Comment and then passed it off as a joke like lol jk (but *wink wink* tho). and i kinda played along like "lol he came out" but then i saw it going soo far and then it started getting picked up by news sources and i just Knew. i knewwww the denial was coming because it was SO clear to me that that was Not meant to be an Official Coming out.

whether he is or isn't straight or bi or whatever, we'll never truly know. because people can lie for any reason and often do! esp if it's to protect their privacy, which everyone has a right to, even celebs. even celebs you might not particularly like. so IF there's more going on behind the scenes, definitely not surprising to me that he'd bite the bullet and publicly come out as straight if it'd keep people from poking around his private life. because you Know if he'd run with it and "stayed bi" tabloids would be speculating for eternity of if he was dating a man or who past male partners could have been and it would take like .2 seconds to stumble upon cockles things and next thing you know it's front page gossip like "ooooh did they have an affair?? are they still dating?? is jensen CHEATING ON HIS WIFE?" blah blah blah and i'm sure none of them would want to deal with that. IF there's anything going on with them. allegedly. don't come for me. these are all purely hypothetical scenarios.

#i wanna like. make it clear that i am Not saying any of these hypotheticals are happening #just that it's a scenario that i Could see as a plausible reason for Why he'd lie #since some ppl think it's impossible for an actor to lie abt something like that or that there would be No reason for it #i think there are like. SO many reasons why anyone would publicly come out as str8 even if they aren't #but also i'm not saying he IS lying either. just that he Could be #maybe he is straight as an arrow!#the thing is. since people can and do lie. and since all we have to go off is his word. and since he is a liar who lies.#we'll just never really know. and so i think it's silly to act like there's no way an actor could lie abt something #but anyways. is cockles real? is jenmisheel in a poly situationship? who knows! but if they WERE. i'd lie and say i'm str8 too #sorry this got so long i just like to say things sjdkdfg #i feel like i should tag this for ppl who don't wanna see but i also don't want this in like. actual ship tags so. im sorry #replies

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