#I’ve been sharing my history with self harm with the people in my life but it’s never really been in an ideal way

[flying-bi-son]

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#point blank period #in the spirit of being hot and sad lemme vent in the tags #my uncle died the other day and my emotions haven’t really been the same since #and it’s like yeah i cried when i found out but he was old and sick I’ve already accepted it #but yet little situations make me sad more than what they did the week prior #I’ve been sharing my history with self harm with the people in my life but it’s never really been in an ideal way #I’ve kinda just been dropping random ‘jokes’ here and there and that’s not fair #but there’s no real way to bring shit up organically #im 7 years sober from self harm and i 100% don’t wanna self harm there’s nothing to worry about with me #but i feel very generically sad in a way that’s hard to explain #yes I’m dealing with grief to an extent but it feels like nothing is wrong and yet everything is wrong #you cant just say im generically sad and get taken seriously so I’m just here

[nerdygaymormon]

ED Therapy Session #1

I had my first meeting with the psychologist who will be helping me with my eating disorder. I’m writing about it so I have for future reference.

We began by doing screenings for depression and for suicidality. I came in on the low side of the scale for both. Then she explained that typically she will do 4 to 6 sessions for someone with a binge eating disorder, but that isn’t a fixed number and we can adjust as needed, but she wanted me to know I will learn the tools to help me with this and it is doable.

Then we moved into the getting-to-know-you phase where I speak about why I’m there, things from my life and my past which may be relevant, and so on. I spoke about being a gay Mormon. “As soon as you said ‘gay Mormon,’ I thought, ‘Goodness, I know that's been hard.’” 

I spoke about coming out later in life, and shared about having a blog, being a guest on podcasts, speaking, and doing some writing as a way to help other queer Mormons accept and love themselves and to move forward on their path.

I shared about my mental health history, including self harm, suicidality, low self esteem, repressing my feelings to the point of being emotionally numb, having a social anxiety disorder, and symptoms of PTSD. I spoke of working to undo my internalized homophobia so I can accept myself.

She asked what important lessons I learned from my past therapy experience that I continue to use in my life. My response was to have my own back and not to be so hard on myself. My previous therapist would point out that I turned every success into a failure, rather than taking credit for doing something, instead I’d complain I didn’t do it well enough, or I tried to do even more than the goal and was unable to accomplish that and reported it as a failure. Also I’ve learned I can’t speak of myself as a loser and expect to view myself as the good guy in my story.

I said it seems weird to have an eating disorder because I think of this as stereotypically happening to young women. Maybe it fits because when a person comes out it is like they go through a queer adolescence as they explore things about themselves and learn things typically learned in the teen years and early adulthood.

I shared about my eating disorder behaviors. I believe I’ve been doing these types of behaviors for decades. I can remember my most recent episode, but I don’t really have an awareness about how frequently I do these things, almost like they’re blocked out from my memory. I was thinking perhaps I do these things once every week or two, but in the two weeks leading up to this appointment I have been more aware and found I do these things most every day. I think the frequency increased in 2020 as a reaction to the COVID pandemic lockdowns and then me being homebound for 8 months due to pulmonary embolisms in both lungs, as food felt like the last source of comfort in my life.

—————————

I’m going to share the eating disorder behaviors I engage in so people can understand what this looks like in my life. 

I eat large quantities of food and consequently feel very uncomfortable. The is much more than having a second helping. My stomach is beyond full and feels stretched out. Often it’s so much that my body feels strained and I cough violently and retch up some of the food.

When I’m eating large amounts, I eat rapidly. It’s not about enjoying the food or the flavor. In those moments, it’s more of a compulsion than a choice. 

The urge to binge isn’t tied to being hungry, I will eat even when not hungry. I will have dinner with friends, then on the way home stop and purchase food so I can binge.

When I engage in this behavior, it’s in secret. I’m embarrassed at what I’m doing. My office used to be across the hall from the breakroom and leftovers from conferences & meetings would be brought there for the staff to enjoy. I would sneak in when others weren’t in the breakroom and grab sandwiches, cookies, chips, and hide them in my office. I would eat them when others wouldn’t see.

I feel guilt and shame after binging a lot of food. It’s not what I want to do. It feels wrong and I feel like I’m bad for doing it. 

Sometimes it’s eating and eating, but not swallowing. I will chew and then spit the food out. I can go through packages of food doing this

I’ve lost over 100 lbs...twice!!! When I’ve lost the weight I’ve been on very restrictive diets, and they can almost drive me insane. I’m able to fight through the urge to eat because I know I have to weigh in every week at a clinic, that would help me hang on. But once I’m done with the diet, I re-engage with this binging activity. Even as I’m gaining weight and feel frustrated because of all the effort that went into losing weight, I can’t seem to stop. 

—————————

My therapist explained that eating disorders are often tied to a feeling of control. Being in the closet can feel like you’re not in control but instead others dictate what you say and how you behave because you have to be careful to keep parts of yourself hidden. 

“You’ve only been out to most people since 2017, that’s just a few years. That time includes adjusting to being out and going to therapy to accept yourself. It’s not a surprise you can feel like you’re experiencing a gay adolescence. While teenage girls and young women are at the highest risk for developing eating disorders, LGBT individuals also experience a high prevalence of mental health issues, including eating disorders, and this is attributable to the increased stress (i.e., stigma and prejudice) that they experience.”

Diets can be hard for someone with an eating disorder. Restricting access to food feels like a loss of control. While there are health reasons to lose weight, it’s important to think of this as a lifestyle, and that it’s okay to occasionally eat foods that you wouldn’t eat regularly, those options are still a choice you can make. 

Eating can provide a sense of comfort. The physical act of chewing provides comfort. Even if you don’t swallow the food, you are still getting that sense of comfort and control.

While it is a disorder, don’t think of it as you’re broken, you’re brain and body found ways to cope while you were in a tough situation. They brought you here. The circumstances of your life have changed and now we can work on helping you adjust to more healthy behaviors.

For a long time your brain has been operating with this disorder, it will take time to unlearn those behaviors and learn new ones. There will be setbacks. Progress isn't a straight line. In those moments, recognize this is a behavior I'm trying to change and I'll try again. This one setback doesn't undo the progress I've been making.

My therapist complimented me for the things I do, like appearing on podcasts, writing a blog, contributing to books, and all the ways I attempt to help others and myself to accept & love themselves. These things show your empathy. You make life better.

—————————

My “homework” is pretty simple, it feels doable.

Before I eat, take a minute or two to be mindful of my feelings. Am I feeling hungry? Am I bored or stressed? If I’m not hungry, find another activity to address what I’m feeling.

Prepare a plate of food, enough for a meal. Savor the food and the flavors and textures. Enjoy.

Once you’ve eaten, sit for a few minutes. If I’m still hungry, it’s okay to get more.

Additional food should not be within reach. It should be a few steps away, on the stove or in the refrigerator. It would take effort, even if it’s minimal, to eat more.

After I eat, do something for mindfulness and self care. This could be playing the piano, going for a walk, watching a favorite show, writing a blog post. Something to turn your mind’s focus from food to something else you enjoy.

—————————

Even though it was a positive experience, it still was a lot to be vulnerable and talk about all these things. 

Afterwards, I went to the grocery store and filled a handcart with food, then sat in my car eating it. But even as I did so, I recognized the paradox of doing this after my session. I ate some of everything, but threw away over half of it (usually I’ll eat all of one item and then move onto the next). Even though logically I know it’s a positive step, I still had the same feelings of guilt when I binge because it was binging, even if I did manage to stop.

While the homework sounds simple, I can tell it’s going to be a struggle to change 

—————————

I have a session with the psychologist next week and then we move to a biweekly schedule. I also have an appointment with a psychiatrist scheduled in July to being medication to help with my eating disorder. I’ll likely post about those appointments

#david gets personal #cw eating disorder #binge eating disorder #long post

[musette22]

Obviously, 2022 was a shitshow in many regards. Lots of bad stuff happened, particularly in the world in general, and in my personal life, too. Nevertheless!

I’d like to take a minute to acknowledge the good things that happened in my life as well, because while they don’t won’t make the bad things any better, the good things matter, too – they’re just easier to forget 🙃

So because I love making lists, I made a list! And then debated whether or not to post it on here or to just keep it to myself and my loved ones, but eh, what’s the harm in sharing? Most of you won’t be interested in reading about all this of course, but maybe some of you are, and maybe it’ll remind someone else of the good things that happened in their life as well. Who knows.

So, here goes (I’ll start off with some fandom things and put the more personal stuff & some pics under the cut):

Most importantly (lol) (no but really): I finally saw Chris in the flesh this year, at the Lightyear premiere in London, on his birthday. AAAHHH 😭💙🌟

Sebastian was nominated for an Emmy and a Golden Globe this year!!! 🏆

Both our boys had a highly successful 2022 and we got so much amazing content from both of them ✨️

I made some wonderful new fandom friends (you know who you are) who made this year infinitely better, and this fandom gained a ton of incredibly talented authors and artists whose beautiful writing I got to enjoy. Thank you all, from the bottom of my heart, for making my own & many people's lives a little (a lot) better 💘

I wrote a few fics that I’m really proud of this year (even if I’d have liked to have written more) and I'd like to think I’ve grown and improved as a writer compared to last year✍️🏻

I got another Stucky tattoo ❤️

I met up with some very awesome fandom pals in real life, twice! @ohhsodebonair & @puppypeter - I love you to bits 🥰💫

I got to go back to some of my absolute favourite cities in the world in 2022. I went to London (and Oxford) twice this year, and I saw some of my best friends again for the first time since moving back to the Netherlands/since the pandemic, which was absolutely wonderful 🇬🇧

I went back to Italy, for the first time in years and spent a couple of glorious weeks in Florence and Venice in springtime, drinking wine and revisiting all my fave spots from when I used to go there a lot as an art history student 🇮🇹

I went back to New York in the autumn and also got to see beautiful Boston for the first time, and had an amazing vacation there which included a few other first times as well (first time seeing Harvard, first time seeing the Phantom of the Opera on stage, first time visiting Madison Square Garden, first visit to the MoMA and seeing Starry Night etc.) 🇺🇸

I’ve been self-employed for a few years now, and this year was a considerably better one for my business than last year (I put in the hours too, maybe a little too many hours, but it did yield results) 🪙

I spent lots of time with my friends and their little ones and got to see them grow and turn into amazing little people 🥺💖

I got back on track with running and am back to doing weekly 10ks now 🏃🏻‍♀️

I started doing Duolingo again for Italian and it went way better than expected (all that stuff I learned during all those language courses over the years is still there somewhere!) 🦉💚

I figured out some really complicated stuff this year (health stuff and financial stuff) and I’m quite proud of myself for persevering until I had the answers I needed 💪🏻

There were several moments this year, particularly in the last month or so, where I looked back at a situation that had occurred previously and realised how much I had learned from it, and that I handle similar situations differently now. Call that growth, I guess 😌🌱

Alright, that’s the gist of it, I think! If anyone else would like to share their highlights too, I’d love to read about them!! 💗 And here's to 2023: maybe it bring us all more good stuff than bad stuff! 🙏🏻💫

And because I can't help myself, a little collage of some of my favourite pics/moments from this year 🥰

#have an amazing NYE everyone 🍾🎆✨️🥂🥰 #I hope you all have a fantastic end to 2022 and an auspicious start to 2023!!! #I love you all so much 💖💖💖 #thank you to all of you for making this fandom so brilliant and special #and for making my life better #you rock #💕💯💗 #minnie talks

[yautjalover]

Hello I've been reading all your Yautja writings and I love them sm!!

I was wondering if you could write something about a female reader with a lot of tribal tattoos that surround their scars. Imagine she's in a mothership, and all the Yautja are curious about the markings on her body.

My culture has a history of using tattoos to reflect courage in battle, as well as beauty and the ability to withstand pain in women. Just thought it'd be a cool concept since not much people get traditional tattoos anymore. I understand if you don't wish to write this, though. I still adore your works 😍

AHHHHHH. I am so sorry for how late I am on this. I’ve had such a hard time getting anything done! I do hope you like this, though. 🥺 This was a unique challenge! I’ll link my source here for share I got the information on the meanings of tattoos. I based this off Polynesian peoples, such as the Māori and Samoa. :)

: : : : : : : : : : : : : : : : : : : : : : : : : : : : : : : : :

Gender Neutral Reader

Content warning: Mention of self-harm in the past

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Tattoos Tell Our Stories 🐢

You had only been on the clan ship with the Yautja for a few days. Time was hard to keep up with since there were no days or nights that you could easily discern. Your Yautja mate was very helpful, however, in helping you navigate your way through the vessel. Many Yautja would simply stare when they saw you, this small human who was tiny compared to their statuesque heights.

It was one of those lazy days where you would wander aimlessly that you found yourself in a lounge room full of Yautja. You could see that they played some games, ones you couldn’t begin to understand, but were intrigued nonetheless.

Over the days you had come to see that the aliens you lived alongside were like cats. Their curiosity knew no boundaries. It was this fact that ended you up in your current situation.

The Yautja got curious, abandoning their games to seek you out when you climbed onto a plush lounge. Eventually five of them surrounded you and asked questions in broken English. They were most curious about the artificial markings that covered your arms and legs.

You see, Yautja don’t have tattoos. It is a human thing, something alien to them, and therefore confusing.

“What is the reason for this…tattooing you have?” One asked, a slender forest green and brown speckled Yautja.

“In my culture we tattoo our stories on our bodies to tell others our life story. Mine enhance old self-harm scars and show that I overcame mental illness.” You explained, showing a line of triangles that represented shark teeth with a thin line above them that encircled your upper arms. “The shark teeth symbolize strength and protection.”

Further down your arm, you showed the stylized turtles that swam around the skin that hadn’t been marred. “These are turtles, they’re associated with peace and longevity in life. I overcame my battle of the mind and that’s what the turtles tell of my story.” Each turtle had been inked beside a long scar.

It wasn’t so bad to have many eyes examine you like a zoo animal as you had nothing to be ashamed of. The tattoos were a reminder of all you had been through many years ago. Your life hadn’t been easy but you fell back on your culture and your people as a safety line, your buoy in a stormy sea. The ancient tradition of tattoo reminded you daily that you were strong and you could endure.

#it’s finally done #yautjalover #yautja #predator #avp #your asks #your requests #scweeeee #alien #fanfic #alien vs predator #cultural differences #traditions #maori #polynesian

[stormblessed95]

Hi Stormie!

Non-BTS ask. Aside from the Stormlight series, what is your favorite Sanderson work? I read them all in a frenzy when I first discovered him, so I need to go back and start over because my adhd means I essentially forget what I’ve read. I enjoy them all immensely while I’m reading, but I can’t for the life of me remember any of the details.

Stormlight is my favorite, but Mistborn would probably be after that! Era 1 and era 2 for different reasons! Lol

Mistborn official description: For a thousand years the ash fell and no flowers bloomed. For a thousand years the Skaa slaved in misery and lived in fear. For a thousand years the Lord Ruler, the "Sliver of Infinity," reigned with absolute power and ultimate terror, divinely invincible. Then, when hope was so long lost that not even its memory remained, a terribly scarred, heart-broken half-Skaa rediscovered it in the depths of the Lord Ruler's most hellish prison. Kelsier "snapped" and found in himself the powers of a Mistborn. A brilliant thief and natural leader, he turned his talents to the ultimate caper, with the Lord Ruler himself as the mark.

Kelsier recruited the underworld's elite, the smartest and most trustworthy allomancers, each of whom shares one of his many powers, and all of whom relish a high-stakes challenge. Then Kelsier reveals his ultimate dream, not just the greatest heist in history, but the downfall of the divine despot.

But even with the best criminal crew ever assembled, Kel's plan looks more like the ultimate long shot, until luck brings a ragged girl named Vin into his life. Like him, she's a half-Skaa orphan, but she's lived a much harsher life. Vin has learned to expect betrayal from everyone she meets. She will have to learn trust if Kel is to help her master powers of which she never dreamed.

Basically it's an epic heist novel with some of the best found family vibes snd the emotional punches that don't hold back. It has some cliches, including Vin being one of tbe only female characyers and it can be very "not like the other girls", which Sanderson has admitted to regretting and has since grown from in his future books. But otherwise she is VERY well written and she is a BADASS. While it does have cliches, its twists them on their head more often then not. Its got multiple POVs and the magic system is one of the highlights of the book for me, being incredible complex, but logical and easy to understand and follow.

The quote "there is always another secret" is basically one of the defining characteristics of the plot and novel as a whole and it all is done SO WELL. The novel started out as the whole idea and premise of what happens if the hero/chosen one fails? And that's where the story picks up, with the Dark One having won and taken over the world, and it's now been thousands of years of people living under his domain. It's also ultimately a story about never giving up hope. It's got crazy twists and an amazing OTP, one that I'll cherish forever. "You've managed-- in our short three years together-- to kill not only my god, but my father, my brother, and my fiance. That's kind of like a homicidal hat trick. It's a strange foundation for a relationship, wouldn't you say?" (No, I don't think so! Lol) It dives deep in morally ambiguity and morally Grey is who are Characters are at their core. It starts off by pushing you straight into the deep end with some crazy action and then you learn as you go and it's amazing. Keeps you on the edge of your seat. It explores fallacies of religion, faith and politics in a way that's respectful but still critical. And it doesn't take you out of the story while it does so either.

Content warnings for Abuse of a sibling, Death, Gore, Murder, prostitution, SA, Slavery, Violence, blood, self harm, war, decapitation, hallucinations, child's death, stalking starvation, suicidal ideation, torture, hostage situations

#storm book recommendations

[elytrafemme]

Uh... so I finally finished my analysis of chapter 29....Hours after chapter 30 has been published... Oops! I'll read it tomorrow, but for now, enjoy a link to my ramblings instead of a long ask because the word count is 2,910! :D https://docs.google.com/document/d/1IaWhaEahPMfeZ1qRba3qwl3yPbifsCjI5-2wLMBFJv4/edit?usp=sharing The link wouldn't work properly because tumblr is broken so you'll just have to copy and paste it, sorry! <333

HELLO MY FRIEND. I AM SO SORRY THIS TOOK SO LONG BUT I AM GOING TO REPLY TO YOU NOW THANK YOU SO MUCH! <3

“Why should I make my bed in the morning if I just going to mess it up after I go to sleep again.” <- THIS I am forever awed as to how WELL u get cs!Tubbo’s character you always make me feel like i’ve done my due justice writing him bc u always GET IT u are so fucking cool. this this this this THIS this is how he THINKS!!!

“Destiny is not based in logic. Destiny is a belief that comes from a strong emotional conviction that no action a person makes can change the future. So when it comes to cs!Tubbo’s own mentality, he isn’t logical at all.“ YES A THOUSAND PERCENT! the thing about him with destiny is that he thinks about it in terms of patterns, meaning that it FEELS logical to him but in actuality! he’s just predicting something with the evidence he has and the immense biases that go alongside it, and what he’s predicting is literally the entire course of his life. it’s reckless and it’s non logical in every possible way and that is how he views the world.

we call ranboo the dsmp enjoyer but REALLY it shouild be tubbo with these damn au assignments UR RIGHT!

there is a LOT that goes into him making these constant comparisons but some things i’d like to highlight is (1) you are so right about these biases his self hatred gets in the way of logic SO MUCH TOO! (2) his comparisons with himself are one thing but when he compares other people to people in the past it usually reveals a deep misunderstanding in who those people are, for example ranboo and quackity those two are BARELY anything alike but tubbo has this very strong association between them that is so unfounded in anything but his belief that he is just like schlatt WHEN HE ISNT!!! and (3) there r lasting consequences for believing that everything is destiny and set in stone, for example issues taking responsibility for things, and treating people callously like you know best. the latter tubbo is starting to do, the former is somewhat apparent but i just think its a thing that will be continuous in his character imo bc it is fucking real shit i would know LOL 

YES YESYEYSYESYYES EVERYTHING YOU SAID ABT CSBEEDUO SOOOOO FUCKING TRUE!!!!! Because here’s the thing about the 28th, where the two hang out: two facts coexist within it. (1) it was one of the happiest days in both of their lives in recent history, and (2) it was NOT ENTIRELY HEALTHY. which is why in the future i hope there can be some cross comparisons bc HERE IS THE THING! yes ranboo opened up more, yes they had a damn good time, yes tubbo came to terms more with being in love with ranboo, but the truth of dream’s interference in ranboo’s life was hanging over them the ENTIRE TIME, and you can SEE in this chapter that tubbo both really enjoyed the 28th and also resented it bc fuck dude that is stressful and ranboo’s life should NOT BE IN HIS HANDS but he thinks it is. they’re fucked up /pos

ABSOFUCKINGLUTELY TUBBO AND RANBOO BOTH HAVE DESTINY ISSUES & RANBOO AND QUACKITY R NOTHING ALIKE! YOU SAID IT SO WELL!

I could go on for forevera bt this one thing but what i love SO MUCH about these chapters rn is that we are truly seeing the worst of these characters. bc one of the most important things in mental health recovery is getting to a place where you don’t hate yourself enough to be outright a risk, and then once youre there actually thinking through the harm you did to other people. like it sounds harsh but its important! sorting through that shit makes u a better healthier and happier person! and what strikes me about this is not only how desperate wilbur is, but how fucking upsetting it is for BOTH of them. bc tubbo on one hand doesnt want this conversation forced on him, but wilbur also is in a weird place of “ijust told you something i never wanted to tell you and is deeply personal to me and after i tell you all that you STILL refuse to hear me out even a little”. it’s like. so fucked. and i love them. they have so much shit to work through!

im SO glad that the clingy scene had u emotional, and im SO glad that their arguments feel offputting bc THAT IS ALWAYS MY GOAL!!! i WANT it to feel strange and uncomfortable bc whether tubbo is aware of this or not, in basically the first half of this fic, these two did not fight. nothing serious anyway. they comforted each other and they started fights before immediately tubbo backs off and they drop it, they havent FOUGHT. which is why this scene is MEANT to gut punch you-- because it feels WRONG.

thank u so much for this doc seriously, i am SO fucking sorry its taken this long to get to it, i wanted to give u a lenghty reply and its just taken a wahile. appreciate u so much galaxy <3

#nightmare.ask #nightmare.cough-syrup #long post #galaxy tag :D #read the doc btw they are so well spoken abt stuff

[thetruthaboutnolan]

So I got downtime before I gotta start playing the OG Charmed theme song on repeat as I write up stuff plot twists for an event on my supernatural group. Figured I’d do another Q&A from ya’ll’s questions.

Have you been diagnosed?

Yes but I’m not going to go into my full medical history just the stuff that I’m either working on and ok sharing or the stuff that’s been revealed already. So yes bipolar disorder is something I’ve been officially diagnosed as and take medication that is insanely overpriced, gotta love the American health care system. Other than that I’ll throw out a Google-able term: Cluster B. Before the bipolar diagnosis, I was given antisocial personality disorder but it didn’t last too long as my pattern of behavior is far too erratic.

Before anyone assumes, I was always told out right by all three psychologists I’ve had in the last 9 years that I can’t ever be a narcissist. A lot of medical talk but basically the simple explanations I got was this. I feel no shame and in fact don’t even know what that feeling is, but I feel guilt and will even cause myself harm if I can’t elevate that guilt. I’m also far too self deprecating from growing up with a father that constantly would remind me how useless and a failure I am as he abused me that anytime I do anything I and it are worthless, and utter crap. If I do anything I crap on it and myself. Although I do apparently show signs of borderline personality disorder as well.

My current psychologist also pointed out how I have a lot of people I call friends. Those I talk to, hang out with, and do activities with. It’s clear I care their life is good. However, there is a small collection of friends who I would die for and do anything I have to in order to protect them from any harm. However, I also show psychopath signs for those that betray or cross me. The second you cross that line I don’t see you as a human being with feelings and all that jazz. I see you as an enemy and will do anything to remove the enemy in which ever form it takes. Though she’s been great on helping me not do this and either let it slide or not think about it too hard and when I do, to control myself and my actions while maintaining the thought that they are a human with all the same feelings and everything I got.

Are you still in contact with these people?

Yes for the most part. The people I have mentioned from past dramas I am in contact with. I talk to quite a few of them daily where we just ‘shoot the shit’ like you do with any friend. Some I am in their groups, they are in mine, or we joined one together. There are a few who are on my discord that I’m still friends with but we talk once in a blue moon. But if I drop a random ‘hey what’s up?’ On them they’ll get back to me within minutes and we may or may not have a conversation for a while. Sometimes the past comes up but we talk about it for a bit and how insane things got but acknowledge how we both had some degree of fault in it going from a small thing into something else we really shouldn’t even give the time of day to anymore. And there are a couple I have never seen again since that stuff happened.

Why do you randomly come up?

Because people are obsessed with drama. These are people that are 40+ pretending they are in their 20s or 30s who were in the rpc in a time where playing little Mean Girl or Gossip Girl level games and ‘take downs’ were common place. You didn’t like someone then you screamed it to the rooftops and then when the ‘ist this and that’ stuff started up, adding that to your yelling about this person you don’t like become a thing. Then it just gets added to and added to or it’s telephoned. One blog might say ‘oh he’s doesn’t like posting with women and doesn’t even talk to any female players’ the next will say ‘he doesn’t like posting with women because he’s sexist’ then the third will post ‘he’s a sexist, hates women, and actively harassed them.’ Despite the original post on it makes it clear this person is actively avoiding even interacting with someone that isn’t male but the last says the opposite but still in a dramatic bad way.

The last time I ‘came up’ was when I was on Corinth Bay. Again, nothing actually happened during my time there. They threw an event and I posted in it with my characters, they decided those posts didn’t count and unfollowed me for inactivity. I didn’t just go away, I messaged the main all ‘what the hell?’ And it was only after that exchange that people who weren’t even in the group decided to gossip. I ignored them after presenting my some old evidence and both those individuals were callout by their own friends. Then there was NOTHING until a couple of weeks ago when another person I’ve never heard of or interacted with decided they wanted to rehash old long dealt with drama and flat out lies. Within those three years I’ve been in at least 8 groups and that’s not counting the two I have ran for two years each and there is NOTHING drama wise or anything about me. I feel that should tell you something in and of itself. It’s literally only drama people bring up when they want to be popular. And only have three not even serious dramas from nine years ago.

Inspired or Theft?

I have been laughing at seeing this discussion nowadays. As is well known. Hailthehelpful accused me of theft, I pointed out that both my codes and aesthetic came from the original roleplay I had that predated her own by at least a year. As well as coding from codepen which is a free resource site. I admit I got petty and made two areas of my theme mimic the same two areas of their theme but coded and looking better with the codepen codes I used. Hailthehelpful still just went with the theft narrative but made it very clear they were mainly talking about aesthetics. They had a welcome div, I had one which was similar designed. They sidebar slide down when you clicked for it, mine slid down AND bounced when you clicked on it. They had a monochromatic woodland aesthetic that used accent colors of the member groups, I used a monochromatic city aesthetic with member groups as accent colors. This is a common thing on jcink forums to do with member groups from back in 2013 to even today. Because of this they used the ‘theft’ narrative and ran with it. And yet deleted or privated all these posts after I revealed their own codes came from codepen or other sites like when they took an example sorting list from the isotope website and changed a few background colors and released it as an original sorting list people used. I also pointed out how all these things she was claiming had at best been troupes and box standard things every/any sites would also have. A welcome div, common. a sidebar that slide down, common. Monochromatic color theme, common.

Then today I see and have even sent anons touching on these topics and new rpt/rph blogs and even the few old ones that were around 9 years ago and they have all been saying you can’t steal something that is just a common troupe and seen/used in almost every other group/blog that is set in a similar setting. But back then they sure weren’t saying that.

Do you use other aliases?

Not by choose completely anyway. Back when I was on jcink at a teenager and doing ability roleplays and a couple of dc comic ones I used Nolan. When I came to tumblr I used Nolan. I still use Nolan to this day. However, there are a friend friends and ‘victims’ who have asked me to join their groups and even be staff in a couple. But they have members that they (multiple people that identify with she/her, he/him, and they/them) kind of tested the waters with and a couple believe the rumors and lies about me. They asked if I can join with a different alias which I would using the same characters and face claims I always do just might change the name a bit. Like if I had a character I normally name Jason, I’d have their first name by Jayson but have Jay all over the application and how they should be addressed. There also were a couple where I just used N or Nol, and continue to use my same face claims and characters just to test it myself. Like with 99% of the groups I join, nothing but good times we’re had and a few of them even messaged me to call me out on it and were just like ‘ok, we’ll you’ve been nice and a great member this whole time so we’ll let it slide’

[blue-eyed-bloodstains]

127

What’s the best part about flying? the view

Who did you last have a deep and meaningful conversation with? my fiance about several things

Any vacations planned? I wish man! we can’t afford it right now, plus he’s too booked for jobs coming up through work so he can’t take off anytime soon :(

Which friend have you known the longest? Jake (all my life literally, mom went to school with his dad) and Collin (since I was 8 in 2000)

Do you have a Facebook? yep

What do you want for Christmas? not sure yet, too far down the line .

How many people have you liked this year? like, like like? only my fiance

Do you have any celebrity crushes? yeah a few lol

Is it okay to kiss people when you’re single? in certain circumstances yeah, but it depends on the situation and the person. 

Do you have a secret that no one knows but you? many...

How many email accounts do you have? several, most of which I can’t login to anymore so it’s just my main Yahoo one, my Google, and my Apple ones

Who is the best cook in your family? mom first for sure, but my dad and stepmom are real good too

Which baby animal is your favorite? oh god...definitely puppies with the puppy breath and their little yips, kittens with the little high pitched mews! most animals are adorable as babies!

Twitter or Tumblr? Tumblr! 

Favorite YouTuber? ooooh Markiplier, AmaLee, LayedBakDFR, Harry Mack, MissLDN, Knox Hill, Karl Smallwood, Chris Ramsay to name some

Have you ever had a controlling boyfriend/girlfriend? no thank god, I have enough trauma of what I grew up with and I pray to god I never fall into that same pattern...thankfully my fiance is nothing like that

Was your first kiss romantic? meh it was alright 

Who was the last person to sleep over at your house? mom back in 2019 on a two month visit from CO

What would you think if you found out your ex was gay? I’d be shocked but fully supportive 

How many people has your best friend had sex with? ummm I don’t know? I never thought to ask lol

When was the last time you had a conversation with an ex? about a month or two ago just checkin in on him, we’re still friends 

Are you currently “appearing offline” to anybody? no

Do your siblings text you? every now and then my stepsister and I text just to catch up and check in

Did your last kiss end up with you and the person doing anything sexual? yeah

Who is your ex dating/talking to? he’s married and has a stepdaughter (her daughter from previous relationship)

Who did you last pinky promise with? no idea, haven’t done that since I was a kid

Did you ever have to share a room with one of your siblings? I’m an only child so no

What happened at the last party you went to? I can’t remember the last time I was at a party other than holiday get togethers

Are you attracted to the last person you Facebook messaged? no

In your life, who is the person that seems to understand you the most? that’s complicated...

Are you afraid of losing the person you like right now? unimaginably terrified, yes...

Does anyone know your Facebook password? no

Would you ever consider getting a piercing in your septum? not septum but I have wanted a nose ring before like the little stud or ring on the side, not the middle

What’re some unspeakable subjects for you? the abuse I witnessed and endured all my life growing up with my parents, along with continued abuse just less physical with my dad and stepmom, anything self harm or suicide cause it’s severely triggering for me given my history of both, certain past fuck ups I’ve made that ended up very bad, anything regarding animal or child abuse breaks my heart.

What was the last thing you cleaned? filled several trash bags and took em out

What’s something you have been putting off? getting this basal cell looked at before it got to this point. I put it off for years and now I’m really paying the price for it with an upcoming surgery, which will need additionally surgeries after for skin grafts due to the size of it, the spot it’s at, and depending how deep they’re gonna have to go to get all of it...

What restaurants do you frequently eat at? mostly fast food, Wawa, and a few local restaurants mostly Italian

Do you like banana pudding with a lot of bananas or more vanilla wafers? love anything banana! I love more bananas than the wafers

How many books would you guess you’ve read in the last 5 years? none, I’ve gotten several but would just start it and leave it without finishing...I gotta get back into reading

What was the last message you sent? ‘Kk’ to my fiance yesterday when he told me he’d be a bit late coming home from work cause he was in a meeting

Is it currently warm where you are? yeah it reached 90 degrees today woohoo!

Have you ever fallen out of bed? not that I remember

What do you like on your hot dogs or burgers? burgers - cheese, lettuce, tomato, onion, ketchup, bacon. I’ll occasionally have em with mustard on it if it comes like that.

hot dogs - ketchup, chopped onions, sauerkraut 

Are you currently listening to anything? yeah I have ID on in the background and I’m jamming to music

What’s something you like that is blue? a bright sunny sky, the ocean especially where the water’s crystal clear blue, sapphires, blue eyes like mine but I love people who have those ice blue eyes that are so light 

Have you ever traveled alone? yeah many times

Would you say you are toxic in any way? I don’t want to be but everything I touch, everywhere I go, everyone I meet or love goes to shit in pieces and the more I try to fix the pieces, they shatter more and get worse...so yeah, I’d say so...

What’s one of your favorite memories from the past year? this past year has been absolute fucking hell so can’t really think of any...

What are some books you’d recommend to someone? Willow by Julia Hoban, The Fault In Our Stars by John Green, Harry Potter series by JK Rowling, The Perks of Being A Wallflower by Stephen Chbosky, It’s Kind Of A Funny Story by Ned Vizzini, Speak by Laurie Anderson, Thirteen Reasons Why by Jay Asher...

Are you a gold digger? hell no

Describe the last dream you had: I can’t really...this past three weeks I’ve had such the most vivid and terrifying nightmares that felt so real it’s terrifying me to death because I can feel it during and when I jump awake that they mean something and I can’t figure out what but I know it’s gonna be bad...

Have you ever been screwed over relationship-wise? Explain: I’d rather not explain because it’s too triggering for me and I’m not spending the last night with my fiance before he has to go back to this job in New Zealand tomorrow until a week into May in that mindset...but yes. it took years to be able to even function normally from it, and almost cost me my life cause I got real close to suicide...that enough?

Have you ever danced in the moonlight? not that I remember

Have you ever been with someone but wanted to be with someone else? yeah

What did you do last night? just hung home with my fiance, DoorDashed dinner from Chili’s, had some ‘quality time’ and went to sleep eventually

Do you have a significant other? If you do, are you kind of crushing on someone else? yes, my fiance Zach and hell no he’s my one and only

Have you ever had a threesome? no, don’t feel comfortable with that

#survey #bored #random #about me

[ledenvs3000w23]

10. My Ethics as a Developing Nature Interpreter

When I started this course, I had a lot of preconceived notions about myself that had not been fully explored or understood. I deeply analyzed myself and my surroundings, searching for answers to why I am the way I am, and why the world works the way it does. Yet, analyzing is not knowledge, understanding or acceptance. When you examine something so closely you can lose sight of the big picture. At this point, I could write pages on pages about who I am, how the world works and why things resulted the way they have, but the depth of my connection to myself and my surroundings remains limited. What I’ve come to realize is my use of analytical skills has fuelled the disconnect I feel rather than solve it. However, the purpose of interpretation is to open the minds of people, to reveal meanings and relationships, and to develop deeper understanding by provoking discovery, and foraging intellectual and emotional connections (Beck et al. 2018 p. 6). This course has challenged me to take a more expansive path towards cognition that is not streamlined by one particular skill set. Interpretation became less about something I needed to learn about, rather it became the solution to an obstacle that I was too close to see. With this newer perspective, I have developed a better sense of self and in turn discovered who I am working to be as a nature interpreter.

Freeman Tilden taught that the overriding principle of interpretation is love of the place and love for the visitors (Beck et al. 2018 p. 83). I have adapted this principle using my own personal beliefs to form what I would consider my own ‘golden rule.’ I would claim that it is necessary in nature interpretation and any area of life, to have respect for the place and respect for the people around you. The definition of love is to have intense feelings of affection (Oxford English Dictionary, 2023); when someone acts out of love it can be a beautiful thing and can create a sense of connection but acts of love can also be harmful and dangerous. Acting out of love can result in entitlement and possession, and what was meant to be admired or shared can be taken advantage of. However, respect is different, respect is to have deep admiration for something or someone that is elicited by qualities, abilities, or achievements (Oxford English Dictionary, 2023). I find respect to be more genuine and can fortify connections that aren’t dependent on affection. I think this ethic stems from my belief that everything in nature is connected and that this kin sense of relationship is something that should be treated with care and respect.

I see the ethic of having respect for the place and respect for the people around you as the understructure that supports the overall purpose of interpretation. I believe that content presented throughout this course can serve as the responsibilities needed to uphold the ethic. For example, The Visitors Bills of Right, where everyone has the right to have their privacy and independence respected, to retain and express their own values, to be treated with courtesy and consideration, and to receive accurate and balanced information (Beck et al. 2018 p. 131). I believe it is a fundamental responsibility that visitors and interpreters respect the rights of those around them to provide a safe and enjoyable space for interpretation to exist. Furthermore, I believe it is a requisite for interpreters and visitors to be responsible for ‘unpacking the invisible knapsack’ that is their privilege as stated by Peggy McIntosh in 1989 (Gallavan, 2005). I think that acknowledging your privilege can evoke the empathy and respect that is required for a person to build a genuine connection to their environment and to a diverse range of people. In addition, I think interpreters can demonstrate respect for visitors, the place, and the associated history by prioritizing integrity. In interpretation, having the utmost attention to integrity assures that visitors are being provide with authentic and accurate information which can forage deeper understanding and connections (Beck et al. 2018 p. 336). Lastly, I think creating an inclusive space for anyone to experience the value and impact of nature interpretation is a critical responsibility that falls onto interpreters. Interpreters are responsible for reducing boundaries that prevent underserved populations, such as minorities, from receiving equal opportunities (Beck et al. 2018 p.132-137). Nature interpreters are also responsible for creating equal opportunities by learning to appropriately accommodate those with disabilities (Beck et al. 2018 p.143). Upholding these responsibilities contributes to the respect of the environment and the visitors in a way that aligns with the goals of interpretation.

The most sustainable approaches to nature interpretation for me as an individual would revolve around inclusivity. I find that I learn by all forms of intelligence that are outlined in our textbook including bodily-kinesthetic, spatial, logical-mathematical, musical, linguistic, interpersonal, intrapersonal, and naturalistic (Beck et al. 2018 p.110-112). Although my learning preferences range greatly, I think this is something as a nature interpreter I could implement so that anyone, regardless of how they learn, can benefit from the experience. For example, interpretive trails and tours are a great way to apply all the interpretive principles that have been presented in our text (Beck et al. 2018 p.284). By creating variation in guides that are designed towards different learning styles, I think everyone is given an opportunity to make the most out of their experience. This belief of inclusivity in learning comes from my own personal struggles and feelings of being limited in my education because I learn differently. At times, I wasn’t aware that I learned differently, especially when I was young, and I think that is something interpreters should be aware of. We all learn differently, which is why I think as many opportunities as possible should be provided for people to enjoy. I also see it as way for people to connect with each other and their surroundings in unique ways. If the approach of a trail or tour was combined with the approach of storytelling, I would have visitors contribute to the telling of a story in a way that works for them. For example, if someone is a spatial learner, I would likely encourage them to take photos and map out historical sites for the story, meanwhile, if someone is linguistic or interpersonal, they might excel at being the voice of the story. Having everyone contribute in a way that is both independent but requires teamwork I think follows my ethics of respect.  

Overall, I learned more than I would have anticipated from this course. It has served as an opportunity for me to not only learn about nature interpretation but to find ways to implement it in my daily life and thinking. Going forward I think I will carry the lessons I learned in this course throughout my journey. I believe by doing that my experiences and connections with myself and things around me will deepen rather than be limited. It has been truly amazing getting to read all your posts and being able to feel connected to people I have never met before through interpretive writing. I wish you all the best!

Beck, L., Cable T. T. & Knudson, D. M. (2018). Interpreting cultural and natural heritage for a better world. Sagamore Venture.

Gallavan, N. P. (2005). Helping teachers unpack their 'invisible knapsacks'. Multicultural Education. 13(1). 36.

Oxford University Press. (2023). Oxford English Dictionary. https://www.oed.com/view/Entry/258346?redirectedFrom=emotional+intelligence#eid

[moonagestardream]

You are aware that PROFESSIONALS like THERAPISTS support people writing about those things you deem unwritable? That my fucking therapist was LIVID when I told her I shared those stories with other people? That I made fucking progress in taking my hurt and not directing it at myself in self-harm but letting it go and out and made connections with people who KNOW why I write what I write. You are so arrogant and immature to assume that your opinion of the world is a universal truth. SCIENCE says you're fucking wrong. Read a book maybe, or a study every once in a while. Because I can tell you, that most of the dead dove authors have done more research and are well more versed in the real life data than you are. And I sure hope that the day you turn 30 you stop thinking about the physical intimate relationships you had before 20. Nobody is PROMOTING those things in a real-world scenario! Have you had a look at art history? Humans use art and fiction to process reality. It is HUMAN and has been since the beginning of recorded history to make art about dark and deprived things. The fact that you can't understand how and why does not make it wrong. You are not the axis of the universe and you distort completely what fiction means to the human race. It's really really simple: Stay away from things that make you uncomfortable. It's your responsibility to do so, not everybody else's. (Are you writing Netflix often? Telling them to delete all their non-fluff series? Are you? Do you go to your local bookstore and burn crime and horror novels? Eh?) Pathetic. You are literally harassing survivors here, are you aware of that?

You do realise that they are people who just read and write that stuff for no other reason then enjoyment because that’s the media they like to consume. That’s who I’m concerned about and think is disgusting and vile. And I have seen people actively promoting it so to say no one is promoting it is ignorance. I’ve seen posts made by people saying that they support Dead Dove December because they like to write/read it. Do you honestly not see how concerning it is for someone to actively enjoy writing or reading about rape, incest and paedophillia. And the dead dove December was literally being used to “fight against hate in the fandom” and “share some good, juicy underage fic” do you honestly not see the problem? the Chan fest is literally grown ass adults writing about minors, it literally says that at least one character in the fic HAS to be a minor of 14 or younger.

[d3nt4l-d4m4g3]

A few days ago, I emailed my former professor about a paper on women’s food practices in the middle ages. At least, that’s what I told him it was about, initially. 

But actually, I wanted to discuss heresy. This professor teaches a women’s rights course every year. Every year at the beginning of the class, he calls attention to why he, a man, is talking about women’s rights. He looks us in the eyes and says, no one else is doing it, and I’m sorry it’s me.

This man made us read the SCUM manifesto, Gerda Lerner, Maria Mies. He grazed the subject of the Lesbian Sex Wars, delicately, so gingerly, posing the question: “Can sex work ever be just work?”  And my  (all woman) classmates, generally mute—in a Women’s Rights class, they all seemed averse to saying the word “woman,” at all. Then one woman raised her hand. and she said, “Sex work is real work.”  A statement that, as I hope you know, is a deflection and a discussion killer.  

At the time I was non-binary. Hah. I submitted a comic at the end of the year of my final project. My thesis for that project was this: the very language female people have to use for themselves was constructed by the patriarchy. for example, the english word “vagina” comes from the latin word for “sheath”. so the vagina invokes the act of penetration upon its utterance. Whereas the word “penis” has no clear etymological root, implying that it is original while the vagina is constructed for him. Why should I carry the fact that I will always be a tool, the hole, of the human that is man? My solution, at the end of the comic, was to continue using they/them pronouns, to shield myself from the horror of being a wo-man, a s-he—an appendage of Him. 

I got a good grade. A stellar report. And it wasn’t a bad comic, for what I knew then. For my condition of blindness and deafness. I made a compelling argument, using sources from class.  But oh, how much older I feel now. I’ve always felt old but now I feel almost like I’m dying. Like I don’t have enough time to fix the world before I disappear. And women’s stories never survive. They are not surviving. networks spring up like mycelium and then every century at least they are burned. Witchcraft is in the air shared by women in a room of their own, and witchcraft is doused in gasoline.

I don’t have enough time to explain how the veil lifted for me. Maybe I forget the big moment. the days after were a blur of searching the no-no tags like radical feminist, GNC, gender critical. Amazed at the wealth of journals that these women linked to with real statistics showing that children are being sterilized for no reason. Mostly gay children. like me, a lesbian, who now lives in a house with three  “non-binary afabs”. This summer, one of these women, who I have known since freshman year, will start taking testosterone, a procedure I took up  for three turbulent months during my freshman year of college. I get to watch her become what I turned away from, knowing the experience fractured my sense of self to a point of  terror and estrangement. I get to watch her hide from her problems and cut herself off from womanhood the way I did for 3 years. I am not a woman, so do I not feel Woman’s pain, she is telling me, I told myself, when I was in a dream.  She has so many problems, she laughs. But trans is a separate problem that has nothing to do with those other problems. A coincidence.

 (For any trans people reading this, you may think: This transtrender fake-trans never-was-trans woman is treating these nonbinary people as if they were dead! as if they weren’t happy people finally living their truth! —well. I put my mom through the process of trying to convince her that I should have always been a man. and I did lose her, for months. For her it was the height of cognitive dissonance that I should want to go on a life-altering hormone to cure my lifelong social awkwardness and self-hatred and self-harm and depression. And I blamed her for not accepting my real self. I was basically made to shun her and my family because of transphobia.. It is disrespectful to anyone’s sanity and integrity for me to perpetuate that cognitive dissonance in this post.)

So I eventually got through to the professor. I knew because of the texts he had us to read for class. He is gay.  He has read all the theory, and lives by it.  And no (woman) student wants to speak to him. To bring the theory alive. They cannot breathe into it and it sits dead in his mouth.

Maybe it is because he is a man. because the presence of one man in a space of all women immediately sends up alerts.  lockdown. Certainly that is the case. Radical Feminists here: I know he’s a man. But I don’t have a woman. And I felt on the strength of the texts he’d given us that he would be my best bet. Maybe somewhere in the corrupted, rotting heart of my college there was a person who knew about thoughtcrimes and was thinking them anyway.

My professor starts with diversion. He starts by talking about my paper. I find it disconcerting that he starts that way. I worry that he won’t want to refer to my email. Where I say: I have woken up from a dream to the apocalypse—Does this man think I’m crazy? Chipper and kind of frantically, he lists off  primary sources of medieval nuns and women saints. for my paper.  Does this man think I’ve turned into a bigot?  Am I confessing lunacy, like a flat-earther?

But I steer the conversation to the meat at his first tentative encouragement. I tell him something like: “children, mostly gay children, a whole generation of gay children, are being sterilized. Porn is a symptom of late-stage capitalism—men’s ownership of women’s bodies. trans is an extension of this. I was part of this. I was in a cult.” I was shaking a bit. I don’t think I’d uttered those words out loud. They sound crazy. Some of the things I said did sound far-fetched. disorganized, remote. But I prayed that my professor would believe some of it, any of it. 

 What I will say is that he believes me.  Thank fuck, right?

He tells me something along the lines of this, vocalizing my fears: 

that all of academia is being scrubbed of anything that doesn’t support Trans.

And it is trans-identified female students and women who are reporting him to Title IX, who spend all their time in his classes fuming at the lack of validation for trans women in the  history of women. My sisters, footsoldiers for the cause. What cruel irony. This man is holding onto this class by his fingernails, speaking through his teeth, hoping any of the twenty young adult women staring blankly or angrily at him will hear him and listen.

 Looking back, the professor’s responses to my emails are vague, completely refusing to acknowledge a point of view other than “WOW. I look forward to discussing this.”  I think he thinks he could be blackmailed. Anything he says on gmail dot com can and would be used against him. It’s like, really, really, really that bad. 

No ideology should involve a cultural cleaning of women’s history feat. witch hunts. 

I will end here with an excerpt from my first email to this professor:

I'm sure you know what a total bummer it is to realize this. 

#detransition #tra #gender critical #radical feminism #radfem #radblr #feminism #academia

[interact-if]

Day 1 of the Black History Month Featured Author Interviews! Please welcome Clam! 

Clam, author of Trails Lead Home and Metanoia

Black History Month Featured Author

Trails Lead Home is a fantasy game with an emphasis on relationships and starting anew. The aim is to hopefully make the player's choices matter in some way and to affect the characters and world around them. The end goal is to create a story that tells the tale of new found family and learning to be okay with starting one's life over.

Read more about Trails Lead Home [here] and Metanoia [here]

Trails Lead Home Demo | Discord | Metanoia Old Demo |

Tags: Fantasy

[INTERVIEW TRANSCRIPT UNDER THE CUT!]

Q1. So, tell us a little bit about the projects you're working on!

I’m currently working on two hobby projects, Trails Lead Home and Metanoia. Trails is currently the game that I’m working on the most and is centered around an MC of selectable age who is whisked away to a different realm filled with magic, monsters, and found-family tropes galore! Metanoia is a more adult-focused game compared to TLH and is in the replanning stages – it’s mainly focused on self-discovery and loss. Both have been incredibly fun to work on so far and have helped me come to terms with certain issues in my life and grow as both a person and an author.

Q2. What inspired you to start writing your current project(s)? Why in Interactive Fiction?

I was mainly inspired by other WIPs and writers when I was younger. I started out writing fiction on a few websites and even joined an RP based around one of my favorite series growing up. I won’t tell you which series it was because I’m absolutely embarrassed by it, but I loved the writing in it so much that I decided I wanted to write too! I slowly moved away from writing for a while before I found COG and ChoiceScript. I’m not quite sure why I decided on Interactive Fiction, but I can’t go back now! It’s too fun making branching narratives and I feel my writing is better planned this way! It’s much easier to get actionable feedback too.

Q3. What is the most rewarding part of creating for you? The most challenging?

I think the most rewarding part is having people enjoy and relate to what I’m writing. This is especially true for Trails Lead Home which I’ve found a lot of people enjoy for the found-family aspect and the emphasis on choosing family rather than letting family be chosen for you. The most challenging part was shifting gears to write more consistently during late 2019 and 2020 when the world felt like it was falling apart. Even now I struggle with finding time to write.

Q4. What is something you would like to see more of in IF works and in the community?

I’d like to see more people supporting authors who aren’t full-time writers and I’d like for the community to stop taking things at just face level. Let people be critical of the things they enjoy, that doesn’t have to take away from your enjoyment of it – not everyone is lucky enough to be able to ignore harmful tropes in media and people should be more aware of it and take a step back to understand the harmed party’s perspective. I don’t think that has to take away from your enjoyment of something.  

Q5. Describe something that you love about your work or are excited about sharing in your story.

I’ve already said this, but I love the people that interact with my stories – they’ve all been wonderful so far and I hope an upcoming twist will surprise them (in a good way)! It’s one of a few that will be coming up but it’s one that I think is interesting! Sorry for being so vague, I’m already fighting not to spoil it, haha!

Q6. Any advice to give to your fellow writers?

Write the story that you wanted to read. That’s all. Write for you, not for anyone else.

#if: events #Black History Month

[sitp-recs]

you’re 29??! i can’t believe it!! i just turned 23 and i was feeling really ashamed of still being involved in fandom. not to mention, still reading fanfic. i know the hp fandom is really old but i always assumed the older fans just kinda left as they got older and started careers and families. now i’m starting to wonder how many of the hp (and drarry) blogs i follow are run by people that are around 30! also, i don’t wanna make it seem like i think you’re old. i honestly don’t!!! i guess i just had this idea that people naturally lose interest in their fandoms as they get older and i’m amazed (and relieved) that’s not the case!

Hi anon. I was very sad to read this because I’ve never felt ashamed to be here, and I don’t think you or anyone else should, either. It breaks my heart to see age being perceived as something “bad”, or at the very least as a factor that would make us abandon interests we had back when we were 20. I remember thinking that my life would be settled by the time I was 30, but the truth is the older you get, the more you realize you still have no idea what the fuck is going on; the difference is that accepting that brings a much needed amount of self-reflection, which hopefully will provide some wisdom/peace of mind instead of more frustrated expectations.

I can confidently say that at 29 I feel way more centered and self-assured about my interests, talents, flaws, limits and possibilities than I’ve ever felt at 20. That’s one of the reasons why I’m able to curate my fandom experience so well nowadays, and that brings me a level of joy and satisfaction I didn’t use to have because back then I didn’t know myself that well - and that’s okay! Experimenting is part of growing up, and that step is as important as it’s painful.

I get that everyone deals with aging differently, but to assume that fandoms and blogs are run by 20 year olds is to ignore fandom history itself. We didn’t invent fandom; it’s been around for almost as long as our ages combined, and maybe even longer - I don’t know for certain if Star Trek and The Man from U.N.C.L.E were the very first ones. We owe these folks so much; they were the foundation of fic spaces, they’re at the origins of Tumblr and AO3 communities, and the fics we celebrate as ‘classics’ today were all written by them. Consider this: the first HP book was published in 1997. The fandom has been around for 20 years, which means the HP generation - those who were Harry’s age or older, and who grew up reading those stories - are now in their 40s-50s.

That doesn’t exclude younger folks from the community by any means! I just think it’s super important to acknowledge other generations’ ongoing contribution and to see this as an adult space, formed by an adult fanbase with adult interests. We’re lucky enough that they decided to stick around and share their passion and talent with us, or we wouldn’t have a catalogue of almost 50k fics (and that’s only on AO3!) at our disposal 🙌🏼

This is getting long and I apologize if I sound patronizing or rude, it’s not my intention at all! I just hope this gives you a bit of perspective because ageism in fandom is a real thing that can be really harmful not only to creators but to fans in general. Some things only click as we collect more life experience, but I hope I have helped you let go of any feelings of shame or inadequacy about reading fic or being part of any fandom. If it makes you happy, that’s all that should matter. I for one have been around for almost 20 years and I’m certainly not going anywhere ;) cheers!

#anon #asks #on fandom

[showf4lls]

ʚ ― WHAT I’VE BEEN UP TO!

hey y’all! so i know i’ve been gone for quite a while! i was thinking that, since it’s been so long, maybe i’ll share a little bit about what i’ve been working on! [ they’re mostly like films and longer fanfictions and things like that. also a lot of them involve OCs that i’ve come up with haha. also also, there are probably gonna be a lot of CWs, my writing tends to get kind of ugly haha ]

₊˚꒰: THINGS WE SHOULD

dynamics - ted x barnes (oc ; romantic), chuckle sammy, dream team, SBI genre - angst, fluff, hurt/comfort (kind of?) worldbuilding - hockey au, college au, barnes has trauma, LGBT+ characters content warnings - character trauma, character injury, sexual innuendos, panic attacks, emotional/mental instability, bad self-care, drug & alcohol use (weed), implied/referenced homophobia, implied/referenced transphobia(? tagging just in case), implied/referenced targeted violence, implied/referenced bullying, miscommunication, implied/referenced sexual situations, implied/referenced career-ending injury, hurt/comfort, emotional damage (/lh)

summary

after a nasty history with ice hockey, jamie barnes vowed to never set foot on the ice again. unfortunately, both his roommates are members of his university's club hockey team. one team bonding night later and barnes finds himself being roped in as a co-coach on the team by none other than charismatic ex-hockey star himself, wilbur soot. everything snowballs and barnes ends up finding himself as nothing less than the team's starting center. barnes gets in too deep with his feelings, old skeletons are hauled out of long-sealed closets, and hearts are bruised. can barnes learn how to love again in spite of his ghosts?

**i’m planning on doing spinoff pieces to give people insight into the lives of the other characters!

₊˚꒰: REBEL MORNINGS

dynamics - wilbur x alaska (oc ; romantic), SBI, implied crew boys genre - angst, fluff worldbuilding - college au, neighbor au, enemies to lovers, LGBT+ character content warnings - drug & alcohol use (weed), absent parents, financial instability, robbery, borderline alcoholism, emotional instability, meltdowns, vomit, memory loss (due to alcohol use), implied/referenced homophobia, implied/referenced transphobia, violence, physical fighting, implied/referenced drug dealing, self harmful behavior

summary

wilbur and alaska despise each other. one bad joke and an ongoing series of mailbox mixups, and their relationship is absolutely irreparable. alaska's a lazy, selfish, weed-smoking sociology major with no regard for others. he's way too loud and dramatic -- everything he does is emotionally charged! on top of that, he starts off his days at 5am with a red bull, a blunt, and punk music -- it's absolutely murdered wilbur's morning routine.

and wilbur? god. wilbur is snobby, pretentious. one of those fine art students that seems to think he's the only misunderstood person on the planet. definitely one of those brooding poe fanatic types. he makes fun of alaska's name and doesn't ask before he digs through alaska's mail to find his own. and he definitely thinks he's better than everyone else; alaska can tell by the way his neighbor holds himself, like he's the prettiest wallflower in the room.

but alaska's life takes an unforeseen downward spiral. without being too dramatic, he loses everything. and wilbur, after being asked by some mutual friends, takes pity and steps in to help. walks alaska home from a party where he's too drunk to stand up straight for more than a few seconds. after that night something changes and, a month later, alaska finds himself able to stand on his own two feet again, albeit with wobbly legs. he starts putting his life back together. it's all progress, right? even if he ends up fighting his ex like wilbur explicitly told him not to.

₊˚꒰: UNDER MY WINGS

dynamics - dream x seven (oc ; romantic), SBI, crew boys genre - angst, fluff worldbuilding - MCC au, hunger games au(?) content warnings - corrupt government, temporary character death, major character death (+ respawning mechanics), major character injury, gore, pain, residual pain, trauma, emotional abuse/manipulation, police presence, trauma, flashbacks, PTSD, panic attacks, injections & needles, alcohol & drug use (weed), dystopian society

summary

figuring that the chance he would receive an invitation was slim already, popular entertainer seven decided that he would accept, especially since he’d been the only new candidate for this season of the games. to be nominated alone was an honor, one that he figured he should take up the nox crew’s offer. the blur of events with the media, dinners, and ceremonies fly by and seven finds himself tossed headfirst into the deep end of the minecraft championships, the only event to outscale the olympics. it doesn’t take him long to form some kind of (healthy?) rivalry with the one and only dream, one of the most talented pvpers in his pool of fellow competitors. he’s excited to compete. afterall, someone has to put dream in his place.

₊˚꒰: FIND THE WORLD; series

dynamics - ranboo x barnes (oc ; platonic), allium duo, bench trio genre - angst, fluff?, hurt/comfort worldbuilding - c!dsmp, origins au (there are a lot of worldhopping mechanics involved) content warnings - implied/referenced parental death, food insecurity, near-death experiences, character trauma, dream smp events (canon events in combination with canon divergence), memory loss, manipulation, character injury, major character death, purgatory, manipulation, hurt/comfort, PTSD, healing, flashbacks, stealth characters

summary

brought together by luck as children, barnes and ranboo have a long history of worldhopping together. years of joint struggle and difficulty have brought them closer together despite their polar attitudes. joining the wrong world, ranboo and barnes find themselves trapped in the dream smp with no memory of one another, just a strong, instinctive pull to be close. something within tells them that it's wrong to be around one another; a much larger plot has been written for the both of them. a mystery, a history, a tragedy. it takes five words for ranboo to remember everything. to realize he's been forced to struggle alone. another conflict and ranboo finds himself in limbo with a boy he never thought he'd see again. in an attempt to escape fate, the two of them find themselves in a completely new world - a world of hybrids and monsters and gods and immortals. a world of impossible things.

they settle. make a life for themselves on the side of a mountain, and heal. they're supposed to be there, it seems. no one in this strange little town seems to think much of their presence. they live, fit into the roles they assume they've been given. and they do heal, even if it seems strange to everyone else. share thoughts, take care of one another, grow. when barnes realizes he doesn't fit into ranboo's story anymore, and ranboo in his, he makes a decision.

a mystery, a history, a tragedy.

₊˚꒰: BEST OF

dynamics - ranboo + sapnap duo (platonic); dream team, SBI genre - angst?, character study worldbuilding - MCC au, hunger games au content warnings - corrupt government, major character death (+ respawning mechanics), gore, pain, residual pain, trauma, emotional abuse/manipulation, police presence, trauma, flashbacks, PTSD, injections & needles, alcohol & drug use (weed), dystopian society

summary

when ranboo, a popular streamer, receives an invitation to the monthly minecraft championships, he doesn't think much of it. what's the worst that can happen? in accepting, he forms new friendships, develops skills he never thought he'd need, and discovers the inside of the apparently corrupt entertainment industry. despite creating bonds he's sure will last a lifetime, everyone outside of his championship team has it out for him; fresh blood has been known to result in an easy kill. like leading a lamb to the slaughter. does ranboo have what it takes to come out on top?

#໑ beloved! #໑ rambles! #໑ yours truly!

[lynkhart]

MAJOR spoilers for the C2 finale of Critical Role so read at your own risk of you haven’t caught up!

I have so many feelings regarding Caleb and Essek’s intertwining character arcs I needed to explore, so strap in folks, you’re in for a bit of a ride! (But seriously though, this is like 4000 words long, I basically wrote an essay 😂)

At the start of the campaign, Caleb Widogast was dripping in guilt and self loathing and refused to believe he could ever absolve himself of his sins. Essek Thelyss was a cold, aloof individual who betrayed his people for selfish goals, and their differing yet mirrored narratives have been an absolute delight to watch unfold.

In the beginning Caleb truly hated himself. He shot down any attempt at a compliment, described himself as a ‘disgusting person’, outright rejected the idea that he was worthy of love, and never let the blame shift from him for what he’d done. When Beauregard and Veth/Nott pointed out that he was coerced and manipulated into killing his parents, he reacts in an incredibly visceral way, and I’ve seen several comments likening it to a victim of child abuse who was groomed into believing they were as responsible as their abuser, and I think that’s exactly how it was meant to be read. He doesn’t see himself as a victim, only a murderer, and punishes himself for it every day. We see this in the way he presents himself, dirty and unkempt because in his mind he doesn’t deserve to feel good about himself in any way. Other than Nott/Veth and Beau to a certain degree, he purposefully isolates himself from the rest of the group and it’s a long time until he feels relaxed enough in their company to drop his defences a little.

(Speaking from a purely meta point of view, Liam did an absolutely phenomenal job of showing this through body language and I’d love to see someone do a compilation video of it. He starts off very hunched and guarded, leaning his body away from the closest person to him and avoiding eye contact and physical touch; but by the end stands tall and sure of himself.)

Early on there were a few moments where he had the option to do some pretty dark shit, and I’m sure there’s a possible timeline where he gave into his desire for revenge and really lost his way, but I’m glad he stuck it out and worked through his trauma in the way he did. His PTSD and disassociation when casting with fire was tragic, but over time he was able to work through it thanks to the constant love and support of his friends who kept him from going off at the deep end.

Molly’s death was the catalyst for change in a lot of the party, and Caleb is no exception. On the verge of leaving the group prior to his death, the grief they shared, combined with their frantic attempt to rescue the other half of their party put things in perspective and gradually he learned how to be a person again, to care.

Altering time to save his family had been Caleb’s only goal in life, and so when Essek and by extension, dunamancy was introduced, you could see his eyes light up at the possibilities.

A huge turning point for him is aligned so closely with Essek’s redemption arc which feels quite apt I think. When Essek confesses to his crimes, Caleb delivers a beautifully iconic piece of dialogue where he acknowledges their similarities and how much he himself has changed as a person since meeting the Mighty Nein. (Source - CR wiki)

‘You listen to me. I know what you are talking about. I know. And the difference between you and I is thinner than a razor. I know what it means to have other people complicate your desires and wishes. And I was like you. Was. I know what a fool I have been for years. You didn't account for us. Good. That is life. Shit hits you sideways in life and no one is prepared. No one is ready. These people changed me. These people can change you. You were not born with venom in your veins. You learned it. You learned it. You have a rare opportunity here, Thelyss. One chance to save yourself, and we are offering it.’

This is not the same Caleb we met back in the Nestled Nook inn way back in the first episode. While not yet fulfilled or entirely convinced of his own worth, he knows he’s on the right path. That alone is progress enough, but that he uses his own experiences to help another escape those same chains of guilt says such a lot for his development. When he tells Essek that his ‘venom’ was learned, he’s also talking about himself and his own history of being manipulated and gaslit, with the implication being that it can be un-learned just as efficiently.

Caleb Widogast is selfish no more, or at the very least, doesn’t let his goals undermine anyone else’s anymore. Contrary to what he himself might still think, he is in no way a bad person. He loves fiercely and cannot abide seeing those he cares about in pain.

Early game Essek is what Caleb could have been if he’d rejected his friends and focused solely on his own selfish goal to undo his mistakes. Both are impassive at first and see the Mighty Nein as means to an end...until they get to know them and then their fate is sealed. The Power of Friendship wins once again!

At the beginning Caleb said he wanted to ‘bend reality to my will’ (sic) and in the end he does just that, though not in the way he originally intended. Destroying the T-Dock, and by extension the one thing he’d been building towards from the start, the chance to go back and change time, for me personally was the absolute peak of his journey. I rewatched the scene where Caleb revealed the truth about his parents death today, and it was really jarring to see just how far he’d come since then. It made me oddly proud actually.

I always felt like his plan to save his parents was the one thing holding him back from truly accepting their deaths, which is why the final scene of him in the cemetery with the letters for them hit so hard. He never truly gave up hope that they’d be reunited, but ultimately he realised he was merely postponing the inevitable and never allowing himself to live his own life. While time travel shenanigans would have been incredibly interesting to explore in game, choosing to let the past lie and not go back for them finally allows him to grieve and move on, and perhaps most importantly of all, to forgive himself at last.

I know some people were annoyed by Caleb’s decision in the finale to spend the rest of his life teaching rather than continuing to adventure, but I see it as the natural conclusion to his whole arc and his own personal victory.

He looked Trent Ikithon in the eyes, a man who he’d spent years wanting to kill and run from in equal measure, stripped him of his power and his voice (and ultimately his ability to harm anyone else) and finally spared his life so he had to live with the indignity of his defeat for the rest of his miserable existence. You couldn’t have asked for a more damning rejection of everything he’d been brainwashed into believing as a child. His dismissal of Trent’s position in the Assembly played into that as well. He never really wanted power for the sake of it; he had no desire for politics, he just wanted his family back, and while he didn’t get the one he started with, he made a new one for himself in the end.

As Caduceus once very wisely said:

‘Pain doesn’t make people; it's love that makes people. The pain is inconsequential; it's love that saves them.’

Caleb gets to break the cycle of abuse and teach a new generation of mages the way he should have been, with kindness and respect, and I’m pretty sure he’d have introduced a handsome drow as a guest lecturer from time to time. 😉

Speaking of...

Essek described himself as selfish and as a coward, forever putting his own wants and desires first, yet over the course of his journey with the Nein we see his priorities change drastically.

Having friends gives him people to care about, something he’s never had before, and it changes his outlook on life completely. For me, the first time we really see this is when he joins them for dinner in the Xorhaus and stops levitating. It’s a subtle thing, but meaningful. He explains that it had become an expectation of him, a quirk he’s known for, and so to feel comfortable enough around the Nein to drop that pretence is quite bold I think.

Much later, when he chooses to destroy the mini beacon they discover in Aeor in order to give everyone a long rest before the final confrontation with Lucian, he’s essentially giving up everything he betrayed his people for, just to keep his friends safe. The existence and context of that single artefact could have had an earthshattering impact on the Dynasty’s entire culture, forcing them to reevaluate their entire belief system and attitude to the Luxon, something he’d wanted from the start, something he helped start a war for, but he offered it up as a sacrifice without a second thought.

I’d say that’s a pretty big morality shift, and I’m super interested to see if Matt reveals if his alignment changed in the post campaign Q&A. I have a feeling he set him up as a potential BBEG but the party was like ‘no, you can’t have him, he’s ours now’ and that was the end of that. 😂

I think it says so much about the other characters too, that they befriended this person they barely knew, and when he was revealed to have done such terrible things, their first reaction was to give him comfort and an opportunity to atone. Jester held his hand while he confessed, and afterwards, while they didn’t immediately forgive him, they saw the good in him and wanted him to be better, which ultimately feels like what the entire campaign was about, leaving places (and people) better than they found them. It’s obvious that he’s never really had many friends before and has therefore never had the opportunity to be emotionally open with anyone, so seeing him gradually warm up to the Nein and allow himself to soften around them was really lovely to watch.

(Obviously, from a realistic moral perspective, he still fucked up big time. He’s still a godsdamned war criminal and really should have been put on trial for what he did, but I think from a narrative and personal point of view, his redemption arc was far more satisfying, so I’m glad it happened the way it did. (And not to derail but the rest of the gang have done some pretty horrific stuff as well, though perhaps not quite on the same scale)

He has a few moments towards the end that I absolutely love because they show that beneath the guilt and anguish, there’s an incredibly sweet and sensitive soul in there, just wanting acceptance. His dry jokes which often don’t quite hit, (the ‘I will punish the bakery’ line is such an under-appreciated one 😂) his simple joy at learning to garden in the Blooming Grove, and realising that he’d never been asked what his favourite food was before was actually kind of heartbreaking, because it highlighted how lonely his life must have been until that time. There was a moment pretty early on I think when he cast disguise on the party and Jester asked if he could cast it again to change the look of her outfit a bit and while he seemed to find it amusing, he refused, not wanting to waste a spell on such a frivolous request. Cut to their time in Aeor where he burns a fly spell just so he and Caleb can flirtatiously swoop around each other for a couple of minutes, all the while trying to beat Lucian to the city.

His breakdown when Molly’s resurrection failed really cemented to me how much he’d grown as a character. He never met Molly, his only knowledge of him was secondhand, through the eyes of his friends, but seeing it fail just broke him because he knew how much it hurt them to go through it all over again.

His comment to Caleb about not admitting defeat and wishing he could do more did get me wondering at the time if he was going to try and do something crazy, perhaps sacrificing himself via the Temporal Dock to make amends or somehow forcing another reroll, but I’m glad he didn’t. The conversation following that with Fjord was one of my favourites- he shows him acceptance and belief in his potential for the future, something he’s lacked for a long time, and when Caleb bluntly affirms afterwards that he is indeed an official member of the Mighty Nein, it’s the start of the rest of his life, and something he’s exceptionally grateful for.

It all leads to that final moment in Aeor with Caleb, when, presented with the opportunity to alter time and undo everything, he chooses to accept his decisions and carry the weight of his sins for the rest of his long life. That’s...huge.

He’s essentially choosing to live the rest of his existence as a fugitive, forever on the run, with no guaranteed peace or safety. He chooses to spend his life making up for his deeds, rather than looking for an easy way out.

I think that may have had a big impact on why Caleb ultimately made the same decision, as if Essek had been up for altering his timeline I think he’d have struggled to resist it himself. The conversation they had earlier in Aeor about their priorities and resisting temptation really comes to mind as well.

Now, to the relationship.

It was subtle, and not as ‘in your face’ obvious as the other characters, but I’ve been watching and hoping for a long time and I must say, it feels good to be vindicated.

(And if you have any doubt, both Matt and Liam confirmed on Twitter that their post finale relationship was 100% romantic)

I’d been hoping that Shadowgast would be a canon endgame relationship for a while, so the finale, and the aforementioned T-Dock scene in particular had me quite literally shaking with emotion as I watched live. Here you have two men, both damaged and guilt-stricken in their own ways, who find in each other a kindred spirit and a path to redemption.

They’re both very guarded and closed off people, but Essek in particular has a definite shift in the last arc of the campaign especially when it came to his interactions with Caleb. At the start he was quite aloof and stoic, though charming, and they had an instant connection through their shared love of the arcane, (anyone who couldn’t see them making heart eyes at each other when Essek was describing the different types of magic he could teach Caleb was clearly blind) but by the end he was incredibly open to showing his vulnerabilities and that takes a lot, especially for someone whose primary focus was to stay in control of every aspect of his life. The ‘Caleb, I’m scared’ moment during the Trent fight in particular made my heart ache.

No, we didn’t get a dramatic declaration of love or a cinematic mid-battle kiss, but I’d argue that their relationship was just as, if not more intimate than any of the other main characters were. They understood each other in a way the others didn’t, their shared guilt, feelings of inadequacy and their obsession with magic forged a deep connection from the get-go. Neither of them are big fans of PDA I think, though Caleb is tactile as hell (forehead touches and kisses, oh man, I’m so weak for those 😩👌) and some of their most iconic moments have them putting themselves in harm’s way to protect the other. Essek shaking off his forced guilt trip immediately after the now infamous forehead touch in ep140 was beautifully poetic, as was using his fortune’s favour to pull Caleb out of the rubble moments before. Caleb trying to include him in his Sphere of Invulnerability in the finale and Essek staying close to him the whole fight despite being obviously terrified of Trent was the icing on the cake. It’s clear that they care for each other a great deal; whether by the finale they’d consider it love is up for debate, but we know that’s eventually where it ended up and honestly, I love that. I deeply appreciated the fact Matt and Liam both emphasised that they took their time with their relationship, letting each other heal in their own way before they took the next step. All too often in media, and real life too sadly, a romantic relationship is seen as some kind of quick fix, and that a lover will somehow complete you or make all your problems vanish. They knew this wasn’t the case here, and that made it all the better.

While I would have *loved* to have seen them together as a couple right to the very end, the change in their relationship felt right, if bittersweet. I doubt they ever stopped loving each other, and if anything, choosing to shift to a deep and lifelong friendship over a romance that would cause them both so much pain is one of the kindest things you could do for someone you love. After all, friendship isn’t a downgrade, just another way of experiencing that same love, and it wasn’t as though they broke up and never saw each other again, it was pretty strongly implied that they remained a major feature in each other’s lives, they just changed their label slightly. Caleb would hate to have forced Essek to watch him wither away, and although his eventual passing would hurt Essek regardless, incompatible lifespans being what they are, having a period of time to adjust to it, to give them a buffer between the inevitable heartbreak was actually really sweet.

Their romance was no accident, they knew going in that it had a time limit, that it wasn’t going to be forever for one of them, and the fact they did it anyway says so much. They began their adventure wholeheartedly believing that they were both, in their own way incapable of love, only to later find it with each other. Whether their relationship lasted for a couple of years or multiple decades is irrelevant, what matters is that while it did they had a happy and fulfilled life together.

I know some folk wanted Caleb to use the transmogrification spell on himself so he could live on with Essek as another elf, or make him human instead, but that would have been way out of character for both I think. If they could have backwards engineered one of the rejuvenation stations in Aeor and used it to extend Caleb’s life by a hundred years or so, so he’d have a similar lifespan to Veth, now, I could have seen him possibly doing that, so he could spend more time with his best friend too, but nothing further I think. He longed to be reunited with his parents too much to postpone death unnaturally like that.

That both Caleb and Essek ultimately chose to live with their mistakes and make peace with themselves was incredibly cathartic, and I couldn’t imagine it playing out any better.

The fact Matt has explicitly stated Essek is Demi too means so much to me personally because the latter is a label I’ve been identifying with a lot recently, and it’s so rare for aspec relationships to get any representation! It has honestly given me a lot to think about over the last few days, and I really appreciate it.

To conclude, here’s a bit of shameless self promotion. I wrote this after watching the finale and honestly feel like it sums up my feelings on the nature of their relationship pretty well.

‘A casual hand on a shoulder, a waist, a wrist; a gentle kiss placed on a forehead is common between them now, an intimacy born of trust and mutual affection. Over time it grows, like a fire born of seasoned timber; gradual and steady, no spluttering kindling that flares and sparks, but a slow burn, one which lasts.

Their love is embroidered into every aspect of their lives together. Acts of service, of comfort, of understanding.

Sometimes a kiss leads to more than a kiss, sometimes it doesn’t. Either way they are content.‘

So yeah, I love these two wizard boys so very much and I couldn’t be happier with the conclusion of their stories. ❤️

#Critical Role #Critical Role Spoilers #CR Spoilers #shadowgast #Essek thelyss #Caleb Widogast #C2ep141 #C2ep141 spoilers #critical role finale

[suddencolds]

Bad Timing | Genshin Impact

During Windblume festival, Diluc ends up hosting in an event in a venue that’s suitably decorated. Unfortunately, he just happens to be allergic to the flowers.

(This might be the most self-indulgent allergy fic I’ve ever written, haha. DIluc snzfic + pollen allergies + company from someone... unexpected.)

—

It starts as a miscommunication.

It’s harmless enough. Donna, whom Diluc vaguely remembers seeing outside of the flower shop just adjacent to Angels Share, makes an arrangement with Charles to decorate the Dawn Winery. An act of gratitude, or something along those lines—just in time for Windblume Festival.

At least, that’s how Charles tells him about it, just as Diluc is about to leave from his shift the night before the party.

“Decorations?” he asks. “I see. I will have to give her my thanks. Did she speak to Adelinde about it?”

Charles ponders this, taking his place behind the counter. “I’m not sure,” he says. “She says she hopes it’s to your liking, though.”

It’s all Diluc can do to nod. Decorations for Windblume usually mean one thing, but there’s a reason why the tavern is scarcely decorated, and it’s not that he doesn’t have the means to decorate. The tavern’s current undecorated state—with the exception of pressed-dry flowers or flowerless vines strung around the second floor railings—is meant to accommodate… well.

He doubt Donna knows, because he’s never had a reason to bring it up in conversation. As far as truths go, it’s somewhat embarrassing. For now, he can only hope that her act of kindness isn’t as extensive as he thinks.

— 

It’s an oversight, for sure, but it’s not until he steps foot into the main hall of the winery, two hours before the event’s inception that he realizes the extent of it.

The winery is crowded with flowers. There are snapdragons and cecilias strung up around the balconies, windwheel asters in neatly arranged bouquets on every available table, dandelions and wolfhooks cresting the fireplace. Vines of ivy and windwheel aster blossoms are woven around the staircase railings.

Instinctively, he raises a hand to cover his nose and mouth, as if to shield himself from it all. There’s a telltale itch already settling in his nose.

It’s a beautiful sight. But Diluc is very, very allergic.

He flings every window open—surely the air from outside must be an improvement—and bolts out of the building as soon as he can. Just from a few minutes of occupying the winery, he’s already congested, and his eyes are brimming with allergic tears.

The event—a celebration of the anniversary of the Dawn Winery’s founding, that happens to align closely with Windblume every year—is going to last for five hours. Moreover, there will be esteemed guests present, with which he’ll have to discuss business matters, which means that he has to be present.

Diluc shuts his eyes. Seasonal allergies are not anything that will cause him lasting harm, he’s sure… except, perhaps, to his professionalism. The winery has been in a financially good place these past few years, which means there’s barely any pressure on him to prove his own competence. His presence is more for show than for anything else. This should be fine. A five hour celebration, and then he’ll be out of here. He can ask the maids to deal with taking down the decorations later.

—

He arrives early, stands as far from the floral decorations as he can—it’s difficult; they’re everywhere—to make sure everything is in place. Despite his efforts, the winery is practically a flower garden, thanks to Donna’s well-intentioned arrangements. It’s not long before he’s sniffling again.

His eyes are starting to water, too. He wipes them gingerly on the cuff of his sleeve, sniffles, and nods his acknowledgement to the guests that are starting to file in.

“Sir Ragnvindr,” someone he recognizes as a business associate says to him, holding a flute of champagne. “How are you on this fine evening?”

How does he look? Diluc sniffles again. “I’m well,” he says, rather curtly.

“Mondstadt’s Windblume Festival is certainly a sight,” the associate is saying. “I’m glad I stopped by town at such an opportune moment.”

Diluc can’t think of anything he’d want to do less, right now, than entertain someone’s small talk. “It is one of Mondstadt’s most… hiIh!— most esteemed annual traditions… hiih-!” Damn it. Not now.

The itch in his nose is back. Luckily, the associate either doesn’t notice his predicament or doesn’t find it worth commenting on.

“Is that so? Tell me more about it.”

Diluc sniffles again. Anything to keep his nose from openly running. “I’m... sure… hiIIH-!” Barbatos, he needs to sneeze. He doesn’t want to be having this conversation right now. “...There are many people here more qualified to recount Mondstadt’s hiIhh-!… history… snf!… than I am.”

The associate raises an eyebrow, cocking his head. “Have you not lived here all your life? The previous owner of the Winery was Crepus Ragnvindr. I was under the impression that he was—”

“My father,” Diluc confirms, before he’s ducking away to stifle a sneeze, almost perfectly contained, into his wrist.

“hiIH’NGxt!” He gasps, sniffling, and presses his wrist closer to his face for the second. “hh…. hiiIH’NDGxt!”

It’s two sneezes, but they’re barely relieving. He raises his head, blinking. “Excuse me. Your assumptions are correct, though I…” he makes the mistake of rubbing his nose—something about the gesture just makes him need to sneeze. “hiIH… it’s been awhile since I’ve, snf, had the chance to properly celebrate, and longer still since… hIIh-!... since I’ve heard the history.”

“That’s strange,” the associate says. “You have lived in Mondstadt your whole life, yet you don’t know it’s history? Then again, I heard that you left for a few years, so maybe you feel no attachment to it.” It’s a thinly-veiled insult, but Diluc is too distracted to address it. He wants nothing more than to sneeze freely, but he’s sure that it would be loud, and it’d draw more attention than he wants right now. For now, he settles for raising a hand to—

“hiIH’DGXxt!” God, his eyes are watering, and the sneeze—though stifled—is forceful enough to jerk him forward, his shoulders shuddering.

The associate cringes. “It is a shame that you are spending the festival unwell.”

“I’m fine,” Diluc says, “Just… snf, just… hih!… HIih’GGKXt-shiu! ngh...” He needs to get out of here. Stifling offers virtually no relief at all, and he’s not going to stop sneezing anytime soon, from the looks of it.

He sighs, rubs his nose on the back of his hand, tells himself he can handle a few extra decorations. “Sorry. Did you, snf, have business matters to discuss?”

The associate’s expression hardens. “As you know, we have been ordering from the winery for a couple months now. I regret to inform you that there have been a few—”

Diluc blinks quickly. He can already feel his breath wavering—the start of another long, embarrassingly desperate buildup, probably.

“—troublesome incidents, specifically regarding the delivery of the wine. The delivery vehicles have been delayed on a handful of occasions—”

“hiIH! snf… hIIiih…”

His nose is tickling with such ferocity it’s almost torturous. He needs to get outside. His allergies are tolerable out in town in the open air, as long as he walks quickly enough and avoids all of the more festive installments. But here, in an enclosed space so thoroughly decorated, in a living room with mediocre circulation at best, surrounded by more flowers than he’s ever seen in his life…

“—just last week, the delivery cart was stopped by an assembly of hilichurl archers that destroyed nearly half the stock. Three weeks before that, the carriage caught the notice of one of Liyue’s Ruin Guards. I expect you are aware of these incidents?”

Diluc clears his throat. “I am. An excess of wine was sent back—hiiH! … in both cases, snf!- as soon as word of these setbacks… hIIH... reached the winery, snf.” The congestion is starting to settle in his voice, dulling his consonants. “You yourself… HIIh-! verified that the shipments m-made… hIIH-! it back to you… HIIIh!”

Sevens above. He doesn’t want to sneeze again, in front of someone who’s looking at him with a combination of disgust and condescension. But he knows, by now, that the most he can do is delay the inevitable.

“Ah,” the man waves a hand dismissively. “We did get the wine eventually. But it was still delayed, you see. Quite—”

—Diluc gasps sharply. “HIIIih-!”

“—an unprofessional experience, to say the least.”

His shoulders tense, as he jerks forward again, catching a barely restrained sneeze between the pinch of his fingers. “hihH'GXNt...! snf, hIIH… HIIH’NGDTtsh!” His body shudders with the release; he can feel the pressure of the sneeze settle behind his eyes, along with a dull ache—he’s going to give himself a headache if he keeps this up. “hiih-!... hiihHH…” This would be less humiliating if he could just sneeze and be done with it. Instead he finds himself caught in buildups that go nowhere, with a tickle in his nose that refuses to abate. “HIIIH… hIH’GZSchhh! snf… hhH-!”

Barely a breath in, his breath is already hitching again. He ducks into his sleeve, cringing, just in time for—

“hh… hiiH!... hh... HIIH’GXnT—shEw!!” The failed attempt at stifling is strangely relieving, all things considered, and he exhales shakily, wiping his nose on the back of his hand.

“Sir Ragnvindr,” The associate says pointedly. “I’m sure you can see where the problem lies. Delays are not exactly conducive to business.”

Diluc bites back an irritated retort. Delivery to Liyue from Mondstadt is bound to have its complications, given the concentration of enemies outside of the two cities; he’s sure this associate is aware of that, too. He has no control over whether the deliveries get interrupted, and he’s pretty sure it’s the associate’s fault for not putting the orders in in advance.

“What… snf… would you suggest, then?”

The associate smiles. “Given our longstanding role as customers, I believe monetary compensation would only be fair.”

Diluc sighs, scrubs at his eyes with one hand. “You can bring it up with Elzer. He is usually the one to handle these sorts of things,” Diluc says. “In the future, though, to save both of us the trouble, it would be best if you would... snf!... take care to place your orders in advance.”

The man stares back at him, his lip curling. “I beg your pardon?”

“The roads between here and Liyue are dangerous. I cannot always guarantee a safe delivery,” The tickle in his nose is back, relentless. If he’s going to sneeze again, the last thing he wants is to do it in front of this associate. Instead, he turns on his heels, sniffling. “Excuse me.”

He just about bolts from the room, past the floral decorations and up the staircase. The second floor is darker, lit only by the ceiling chandelier. He all but slumps against the wall. His nose is still itching, and he raises a gloved hand as his vision goes watery and indistinct—

“hiIIH’IISCH’iiuu! Hh… hDDt’TTZCSh’u!”

He doesn’t have time to wonder if anyone’s heard. Suddenly he’s gasping again, fumbling for a handkerchief, pulling up one sleeve so he can wipe his nose on the back of his wrist when he doesn’t find one. “Hiih… hiIIIH… snf-!”

The tickle falters just as suddenly, leaving him on the precipice of a sneeze, suspended in ticklish wait. He rubs his nose again, in hopes that the pressure on the bridge of his nose will be just irritating enough to coax out a sneeze, but...

It leaves him panting, his eyes still shut as he stands there, his breath still shaky with anticipation.

“hiIIH…! snf…” Nothing, still. “HIIIh...”

He rubs his nose again, hard, on the back of his wrist. Maybe if he could just sneeze—give his body relief in the fit it so clearly wants—it will solve his predicament for the next fifteen minutes, at least.

He just has to find somewhere quiet.

He rounds the corner on the second floor, stumbles through the door at the end of the hall out onto the balcony. The fresh air is immediately relieving, and he sucks in a long breath, leaning forward on the balcony railing. With the exception of some of the Dawn Winery staff, no one’s outside, and he doubts any of the guests will have reasons to spend enough time on the second floor to find the door that leads here. He figures it’s as good a place as he’ll find, for the time being.

The itch in his nose still burns, almost intense enough to make him shiver. Cecilias are wound around one of the balcony’s wooden rungs—he wonders, momentarily, if it’d be worth it to—

The door behind him swings open. He startles.

“Oh,” someone says from behind him. “...sir Diluc.”

It’s Rosaria, from the church. He doesn’t know much about her—he can probably count the number of words they’ve exchanged on one hand. She’s at the Angel’s Share every Thursday with Kaeya, downing drinks faster he thinks could possibly be healthy—though she must know her limits, given that she never seems to get as drunk as some of the knights do. Now, she eyes him warily.

There’s a windwheel aster clipped to the lapel of her shirt.

“Didn’t expect you to see you here,” she says, raising an eyebrow. “Aren’t you like, the most important person here?”

“Something like that,” he says.

“Then I suspect there’s a reason why you’re hiding out here.”

He doesn’t answer. How can he? “Ah, well, it’s fine,” she says, sounding unbothered. “Whatever reason you have, it doesn’t really matter to me. Hope you don’t mind if I smoke.”

He sniffles, turning away to wipe his nose on his wrist. “I… don’t.”

“Okay. I figured you’d be happier if I did it outside, anyways.” She steps into place next to him, digs through her pockets for a cigarette. “Think you could light it?”

He lowers his hand and turns to face her. Before he has a chance to light it, though, something about the proximity of the flower on her shirt is just enough to set him off — the next breath he takes leaves him gasping, his eyes watering immediately as he ducks violently into his elbow.

“hiIH… nGKTt!”

He’s not even close to done. “hiIH… hiiihH…. HH-!! snf-! hHiih’NDGXtT!”

“Bless you,” she says. “Are you sick?”

“Your… shirt…” is all he manages to gasp out, before he’s pressing his elbow tighter to his face, muffling another sneeze into the fabric of his sleeve—

“hiIH’IIIGXTtt… HIIiH-! Hiih… HIIH’IISsch’iu! Excuse me... HIih’GGKXt!!...”

“Oh,” she says, sounding like he’s just let him in on a secret. “You’re allergic.”

“Unfortunately,” he admits, feeling his face grow hot.

“You should’ve said.” She unclips the windwheel aster from her shirt, gives it half a look, and flicks it over the edge of the balcony.

“Wait,” Diluc says, his eyebrows furrowing. “I didn’t mean to… hiIIh-! snf... imply you should get rid of it.”

Rosaria smiles unreadably. “I wasn’t wearing it by choice. A friend coerced me to. Is it just windwheel asters that set you off?”

“It’s… hiiiiH… it’s just about everything… hiIH’ITTSChh! hiIH… NGKTT-shiiu!” It’s getting harder and harder to stifle, but it’s already embarrassing enough to sneeze in front of her in the first place.

“Everything, huh? Sounds awfully inconvenient.”

He lights her cigarette with his vision. “Thanks,” she says, and immediately pulls it in to take an appreciative drag. “Kind of suffocating to be inside with so many businessmen for so long, if you ask me.”

He sniffles harder, rubbing his nose on the cup of his sleeve.“I… snf…! I’m not going to be stopping anytime soon. You should probably… hiih... find somewhere else to smoke… hiiH... hiih’GKTT-!”  

“You know,” Rosaria says, after a beat. “You’d be done sneezing sooner if you didn’t hold them back like that.”

If Diluc wasn’t blushing before, he’s sure he must be blushing now. It’s embarrassing to hear her address his sneezing in such a straightforward manner—he’s starting to see why she gets on so well with Kaeya.

“I’m fine, thanks… hiih… hiiH’NGXT’Sshh! HIIH’GKTT-! ugh...” Maybe she has a point—the stifling is starting to make his head hurt, and he hunches forward, still sniffling, to lean more heavily on the railing.

She shrugs. “Okay. I’m just saying, I wouldn’t mind. Why’d you decorate the winery like that, anyway? It seems awfully… masochistic.”

“A misunderstanding. Donna’s doing, though… hiiiH!... it would have been ungrateful if I had taken the decorations down... hiiih... hiIH’GkkT!!” — caught neatly in the palm of his hand. “hIih… hiIIH… nGSSCHh! snf…”

“Sevens, Diluc. Drop the formalities and let yourself sneeze. I’m getting a headache just listening to you.”

He frowns, lifts his hand from his face, only to clamp it back on when he realizes what a mess he’s made out of himself, his skin prickling with embarrassment. “If you’re certain...”

She scoffs, taking another drag of the cigarette. “Trust me. I couldn’t care less.” Usually, smoke doesn’t bother him—his pyro vision would be significantly more inconvenient if it did—but now, with his nose so sensitive, it’s exactly the last push he needs to send him over the edge.

“hIIH.. HIIH…” He blinks through teary eyes, his grip tightening against the railing. “HiiH… iHH'GZCHh-iiu! Hihh… hhD’TTschH’iu! snf.. hiIH... HIHH'iischHiew!”

The relief from letting himself sneeze is immediate and almost dizzying. He gasps again, taking a step back from the balcony. The next sneeze snaps him forward at the waist.

“hiIH’ISCHhiuu! hiIih… GKKTT-’SHiuu!” Rosaria disappears back into the manor, so quietly he almost doesn’t hear her leave, but he’s too out of it to properly react. “Hiih… hiIh… HIIH’ISCCHh’yuu!” He sniffles against his wrist, his shoulders just about slumping with the relief, before they’re tensing again just a few seconds later. “hiih… hiiih.. hiiIH’NGTTT-SHIu! Hiih… HiiH’IIIISCCHh’iuu!”

He groans, sniffling, resisting the urge to bury his head in his hands—it seems like an appealing enough option, if not for the fact that he’s been covering with one of them. The door behind him opens again.

“Thought you might need this,” Rosaria says, and hands him a handkerchief. He takes it gratefully. It’s only after he’s blown his nose into it—quietly—that he trusts himself to speak.

“Thank you,” he says. “I’ll find a time to give it back when it’s clean... snf.”

She blinks at him, her eyebrows furrowing as she looks him over. “Geez, you look awful. I’ll ask Kaeya to stop by later so he and I can take down the decorations for you.”

It’s surprisingly sweet. “You don’t have to,” Diluc says, wincing at the congestion in his voice. “I can get it... dealt with… hiih’IISSSH’iuu!”

“Your maids can, you mean. Still, it will be faster if we help out... your bedroom’s on the second floor, isn’t it?”

When he nods, she shrugs, leaning back casually against the doorframe. “Even more reason to get it cleaned up faster, then. Would it kill you to accept some help for once in your life?”

Diluc sniffles, folding the handkerchief neatly. “I suppose not. I... appreciate it, then.”

She smiles at him. “It’s the least I can do. I’ve been leeching off your free alcohol this whole afternoon, so we can call it even.”

#sneeze fic #snzfic #snz fic #sneeze kink #snz #gen/shin im/pact #i wrote the first 1.7k of this in 1 day -> told myself it was too indulgent and shouldn't see the light of day -> left it for 2 weeks #sucked it up and finished it today #so here we go. my first allergy fic on this blog #(maybe my first allergy fic ever..?) #so it was new for me... please forgive me if it doesn't rly work #my fic