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tessatechaitea · 5 years

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Wonder Twins #5

Jayna just punched straight through her brother's butthole.

If you're a being who turns into water, your dick and butthole don't just disappear, right? They just become part of the water! So I'm almost certainly correct in my comment on the cover. Hopefully Mark Russell will explore this topic in a future issue. Until then, I'll be certain to tell everybody I know that Jayna basically fisted Zan. Luckily for the Wonder Twins, I don't know many people and also they are fictional characters. This issue is called "Magic and Games." I think. It will probably take me less time to read this entire comic book than it took me to puzzle out the word "Games" in the font used for the title.

Sure, you can see it now that I already told you what it was! But it was difficult before I worked it out! Although I still wouldn't be surprised to learn the title is "Magic and Galljes" or "Magic and "Gaines" and that the second word is somebody's name.

Usually I don't comment on Mark Russell comic books because to comment on a Mark Russell comic book, you should probably be smart and serious. Sure, he's having fun and writing an entertaining book that I can easily use to make jokes about fisting incest! But he also writes sensitive stories about social justice and systemic bias and ethical dilemmas in changing times and, well, other stuff that I'm too dumb to even discuss in the most general terms! He's a smart guy which is why I hate him with a burning passion! But it's a good hate! It's the kind of envious hate that pushes me to my own Emerald Twilight! I probably won't wind up destroying an entire town and ruining my reputation and becoming the most vilified hero in our universe but I almost certainly will eventually become the avenging spirit of God judging everybody around me! Wait, I think I already am that! Whatever my point is, it's that Mark Russell writes good and I'm too weak to not despise him for it. Polly Math has just won first prize at the science fair because her last name is Math. I guess Sandra Science didn't compete this year so Polly was the obvious next choice. Jayna wins second place because her project on fucking hot guys while being a nerd in high school fell apart when the guy she attempted to science fair fuck turned out to be a villain. It's also possible I'm confusing story lines but you have to expect that kind of thing! I'm not spring chicken! Remembering details between chapters that come out a full month apart has been nearly impossible for the last twenty years! I shouldn't make fun of Polly Math's name because I have a name that people always try to make jokes about too. It's not Grunion Guy! You can probably find it if you do even the smallest amount of Internet research! I'm not going to help you though because I don't want to get called a Deaf Chef anymore! Polly is upset that her father is working with Lex Luthor and the League of Annoyance. But Jayna has a plan to fix things! I bet her plan is to turn into a giant tortoise while Zan turns into an ice dildo and...wait a second! Why am I giving out good ideas that Mark Russell will just steal in a few issues?! Better to not speculate on things! Also, I mean, the cover shows Jayna going with the shark plan.

Okay fine! I'm finally interested in Fox News!

The most disturbing thing about people who watch Fox News is that they ignore five hundred other channels that are showing entertaining things on their television at the same time! Who chooses that shit over Comedy Central or the Game Show Network?! I haven't had cable for nearly twenty years and whenever I'm staying somewhere with cable, it's locked on the Game Show Network 24/7! Who the fuck chooses to watch state propaganda over old game shows?! Fucking psychopaths, that's who!

Polly Math's father wound up working with Lex Industries because only Lex Luthor hired African Americans, I guess? Hadn't he heard of STAR Labs?! Maybe Silas Stone and Sarah Charles fulfilled their quota?

I might be misreading this scene but I don't think I am because the white guys with white guys playing golf pictures behind them seem interested in Filo Math if he's Norwegian (so, you know, totally white!) and then when they meet him, they don't want to hire him. It could be that they really are concerned with his specialty! What could that be?! I mean, it can't be any worse than Silas Stone's specialty of turning his son into a cybernetic example of the castration of the black male in America! That's a really terrible specialty! Although Sarah Charles seemed to be pretty into it. See?! This is why I can't review a Mark Russell book! He's making a great point about the systemic bias inherent in corporate hiring practices and I'm not taking it seriously! I mean, he isn't either, really? He's being light-hearted while still making a good point. Which is what I've done, I think, in my comment about Cyborg's lack of a penis! The Scrambler wants to play a trick on society. He's a magician that believes people are frightened of magic and only like the part where everything is normal again. Magician: "Is this your card?" Audience Member: "Why yes! Thank God you picked my card! I was worried I was going to have to live in a world where my card wasn't picked!" Maybe I'm not comprehending his point. Anyway, The Scrambler wants to do a trick where things don't ever go back to normal! He's a monster! Imagine picking the Three of Clubs and nobody ever showing you the Three of Clubs ever again! Ugh, I'm feeling faint. To save Polly's Dad from definite prison time (or possibly, if Superman shows up, an eternity in the Phantom Zone. As if Superman can be bothered with Earth's judicial system! Pshaw!), Jan has challenged the League of Annoyance to a duel at the zoo. I guess if she wants to stress out all of the animals there with a big battle, who am I to judge? I mean other than being the real life version of Hal Jordan's Spectre, of course! At the zoo, Jayna recruits a bunch of Australian animals to help fight which goes as spectacularly as you can imagine it would. And what I mean by that is that a koala is blown to bits. But I guess that's worth it in the grand scheme of getting Polly Math's father to stop working with the League of Annoyance. It's like that philosophical conundrum about an ant that sacrifices its life for even the tiniest amount to better the world. It's just an ant! It practically owes it to the universe to die for nearly nothing! What does this koala bear expect? It should get to live in luxurious confinement at the zoo and not die for a trivial reason? Stupid koala bear. Go fuck yourself, you selfish bastard. The Wonder Twins defeat two out of three of the League of Annoyance members at the expense of just one koala's life and the bruised jaw of an innocent kangaroo. The third member, some woman with a Kryptonian cell phone whose name maybe I should remember, gets away to go regroup. Sylvia is a racist that joined the League because she didn't like the demographics of her small town changing. She's startled by Filo entering the League's headquarters to pack up his stuff and winds up zapping him like she zapped the koala. Okay, I guess the koala isn't as dead as I first thought. I should have realize a Kryptonian phone is probably sending everything to the Phantom Zone. So once again, I, the Grandmaster Comic Book Reader, was correct when I speculated that the worst that could happen to Filo was prison or the Phantom Zone! I'm the smarterest! Sylvia is caught on camera zapping Filo Math and then messes up in an interview when she kind of admits to having maybe zapped more than one black person with her phone off-camera? It's a real public relations nightmare!

But Lex can fix it! His greatest strength is turning public relations nightmares into public relations wet dreams!

Lex News turns Cell Phone Sylvia into a national hero. Because anything is excusable if you just say how scared you were! I mean, as long as you're white! It's scary being white! Sometimes you have to kill people with your legal gun while standing your own ground after confronting somebody for the most inconsequential reasons! It's just the way the world works! At least in America! Happy 4th of July! Just in case some readers weren't smart enough to get that everybody blasted by Sylvia's phone went to the Phantom Zone, Mark Russell supplies us with an image of Filo and the koala and a bunch of Sylvia's other victims (hmm, all black! But that's probably just a coincidence!) in the Phantom Zone. Polly, at the end of her rope with doing the right thing in an unjust world, decides to contact The Scrambler. I can't wait for her big magic trick to fix the world! The Scrambler's big trick to fix the world is to threaten to scramble everybody's identity. Everybody's minds will switch around so that they're now in different bodies. That means the powerful might wind up being the poorest people in the worst poverty. And the only way he won't do it is if the powerful fix the world in thirty days. Seems like a good plan! Except I'm curious to see how they fix it. Most people's ideas of fixing the world rely on the current world still existing somehow. So the fix is handicapped from the beginning by needing to be built on the ruins of the old system. To truly make a new system that works, the old system must be completely razed to the ground. But nobody has the stomach for that. So we make exceptions and compromises, building the new structure on top of a rotting foundation. It's why DC's Universe fixes always fail. They rely on making things new and better but need to remain rooted in the past. Crisis on Infinite Earths was built on a world that still contained members of Infinity Inc. who suddenly didn't fit in the world anymore. So DC then had to do Zero Hour which told new origin stories but still refused to throw out everything that came before to simply start again. Even The New 52, which people hated because they felt it did exactly what I suggested (razing the shit to the ground), didn't work because, I believe, it didn't go far enough! It still accepted Superman had died. It still accepted all of Green Lantern's past. It still contained a Batgirl who was shot by Joker and became Oracle. It was still the DC Universe but with arbitrary and subtle changes that made no real difference except the jettisoning of a ton of history. So it didn't work for anybody! Um, anyway, my initial point was that real life political structures and social dynamics and economic systems can never really be restructured in a meaningful way because they have to kowtow to older ways of thinking and doing things. The comic book stuff was just easier to write about! I'm sure Mark Russell will figure it out! Or he'll just have The Scrambler and Polly Math arrested and nothing will work out like it should and it will just be the punctuation on the idea that everything fucking sucks. Yay! Wonder Twins #5 Rating: A+. Come on! Everything Mark Russell writes gets an A+! It shows how smart I am!

#Wonder Twins #Mark Russell #DC Comics #Comic Book Reviews

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synaps · 5 years

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I did not see this 5 years ago, though apparently I did

Hi there! So, in the light of the recent Ao no Exorcist chapters and Katou having a solid grasp on her timeline after all, my brain shocked itself enough to produce some serotonin and I decided I’m gonna diverge from my own principles and post this. Brain producing serotonin should be encouraged. Buckle up, everyone bothering to read: this timeline breakdown/fan theory emerged in 2012, when a bored AnE-fan pieced together a few of the plot reveals we’re starting to see now.

Spoiler warning for The End of the Beginning! Though strictly speaking they’re a timeline framework I developed in order to write TEotB, which means they’re gonna drop very soon via the flashback! So it probably isn’t as mind-blowing as it was to me... BUT I DON’T CARE I’ve been waiting 6 years for the content we’re getting right now, 6 years I’ve been on the edge of my seat for this misfit clone dork to finally tell his story and AAAAAH

This is basically a full-body search of the Kyoto arc chapters, 'cause that was the only bit of the past we had back when I started writing. To this day that’s the part of the manga I have the best grasp on. x’D But all those hours paid off, good gods they paid off! This is long. Bear with me, ‘kay? Old-time AnE-fans remember that it was commonly thought the twins were born on Blue Night, much due to the anime: Kyoto Arc said it wasn’t. If you looked carefully, you could figure out that Blue Night was in fact the time of the twins’ conception, not their birth. Though to be absolutely sure, I plotted out the timeline three times and dug up records from a weather station in Kyoto to see if there would have been snow at that time of year in the early to mid 90′s because that’s how goddamn obsessed I am. And if you did figure out that the twins were conceived on Blue Night, you were inevitably sucked into an even more obsessive downward spiral into crazy fan madness because that meant Fujimoto Shiro was sent to steal Kurikara to “kill some kids” before those kids existed even on an embryonic stage.

My original estimate was that the stage had taken 24 years to set up, based on the info in Kyoto Arc, but with Mephisto’s recent director’s cut of how he ghost wrote history that number bumps up to 36 years or potentially even longer.

For reference, the timeline I put together for TEotB plus the fresh dates from the flashback arc: 1977: Mephisto pressures Shiro into promising him a free wish because extorting a kid that’s struggling for his life is an ok move 1984: Satan fails possession for the first time because whoa so many limbs at once 1989: the Myou Dha is struck by disease 1993: Satan figures out how to properly possess someone, that’s Rin’s unrelenting never-give-up attitude right there 1994: after a nine year learning curve on just staying in a body Satan has three PhD’s and ditches school after one year of education - guess possessing a body really is a difficult thing to pull off huh 1995: Shiro unwillingly becoming the caretaker of orphans: part I 1996: not yet confirmed but Saburota’s first meeting with Lucifer/Asylum is probably now Also 1996: Satan returns to Section 13 with a reclamation claim on that crap body they sold him 1996-1997 (somewhere around New Year’s, I estimate): Shiro, who was an Upper First Class exorcist at the time, cures Myou Dha and oh is that a sword in your pocket or are you just happy to return to your boss after a successful mission? 1997 (probably mid-to-late March): Blue Night sucked for everyone, but at least Shiro and Tatsuma got promotions - yay 1997: Shiro unwillingly becoming the caretaker of orphans: part II 2003: when you’re a cursed, massacred and financially broke sect like Myou Dha, there’s few options but to join the Order of the True Cross to stay afloat 2005: Saburota recruits Mamushi to spy by raising suspicions against Mephisto ‘cause really, that ain’t hard 2013: a giant pile of shit appears in Kyoto and unleashes destruction on its surroundings and for once it isn’t Mephisto

The manga and the timeline are pretty self-explanatory so what I wanna stress here is what happened 24 years ago, in 1989, ‘cause that’s something Katou hasn’t touched upon yet and it’s really fun except for those involved. In 1989, a disease starts plaguing Myou Dha and the symptoms are identical to what you get from exposure to the miasma from the Impure King’s Eyes. It seems to be a very local problem, as we don’t hear of any epidemic in the rest of Kyoto. Did the seal on the Right Eye spring a leak? Nope. Because the Eye wasn’t there.

We haven’t seen the shrivelled up bit of IK cause any trouble - not saying it couldn’t, but it seemed like that one hadn’t been active much for the past 150 years and it had been constantly monitored by the High Priest. I cross-referenced with the dates given in the new flashbacks but the outbreak doesn’t coincide with any boost of demonic activity related to Satan’s progress. So? The disease in Kyoto is its own separate disaster, and it’s most likely engineered. Let’s work our way back from the present to see how Mephisto set up this stage~ Mephisto knew of Saburota’s plan to unleash IK, and was all cool with that ‘cause hey, good opportunity to test Rin’s flame, build some team spirit, power up Bon, etc. For that reason he decided to move the Right Eye from his own keep to Myou Dha’s: if Saburota had been able to steal both of them from True Cross he wouldn’t have needed the pit stop at the Kyoto Office. He would have revived IK straight away, and even Mephisto couldn’t have motivated sending a bunch of kids into that chaos. So, move the Eye to a secret strategic location in Kyoto and force Saburota into jumping through a couple of extra hoops to get it. The Eye was moved in 2003 or thereabouts: this coincides with Myou Dha joining the Order, and makes perfect sense. The relic has ties to their sect, and it’s kinda fair to give them something back since Meph indefinitely borrowed their main relic, and now that they’re part of the Order and all - yada yada, smoke screens. Mephisto gave them the relic to set Saburota up, but not until he had the means to also give Saburota a trail to follow. Our fav Uncle Goat approached Mamushi, his student, in 2005 and recruited her to get the Right Eye. He probably thought he was cleverly working around Mephisto’s attempt to prevent theft, but if we think about it: who gave Saburota the opportunity to manipulate her in the first place? It is much easier to get your hands on an impressionable young Myou Dha kid if the Myou Dha kids attend the school where Saburota teaches. But why would they? When their families are very competent exorcists on their own and they’re used to keeping to themselves and...

Keeping to yourself is only an option so long as you can survive by yourself, and from 1989 on Myou Dha couldn’t. But Granpa Suguro, being as stubborn as he is, has refused any modern/outside help for 7 bloody years. This disease is weird for several reasons. Its localised spread, for one; its similarity with the Eye mashou when there is no Eye present; the way it vanishes and is never heard of again after Shiro’s visit; the suspiciously good timing. We now know Mephisto is aware of the future to a certain extent - we saw that confirmed when he set Shiro up with that promise. That was the last doubt removed from my theory about the Kyoto disease, so here we are. Satan hadn’t even manifested with a consciousness yet but Mephisto had his sights on Kurikara and Myou Dha’s cooperation in 1989. He is a man of sophistication, so he takes the “if the mountain won’t come to Muhammad, Muhammad must come to the mountain“ approach: he used the Eyes to orchestrate an outbreak that would force the sect to reach out to True Cross - the biggest, most knowledgeable exorcist organisation around - for aid. Because the alternative would be to smash in there and outright steal the sword and nobody would send their kids to your organisation after that. But it didn‘t work. Granpa Suguro refused to follow script and so the years went by, Satan gained consciousness, grew intelligent, grew bored, oops there goes the Asylum ceiling, jfc Suguro how many more have to die before you just play along like a good boy...? In the end Mephisto had to deploy Plan B: screw it, theft it is. If Muhammad won’t go to the goddamn mountain I’m gonna drop the mountain right on Muhammad’s stubborn head.

Of course this means fucking things up for Shiro, ‘cause that’s just how these things go when you’re running a tight deadline getting the Antichrist(s) a birthday present. Also it’s fun.

This frame says everything, really. xD Come now, how would you expect these people to trust you, and develop a friendly attitude to the Order, if you barge in there on your black-ops mission like a humanoid battleship, grab their relic and ditch the scene? Bad PR, very bad PR. Buuut if you’re injured enough that you can’t make that immediate escape, and you just happen to know how to cure this very specific disease that never flares up again, which you can contract from only 2 items in the world, of which both are owned by the snake-tongued sass ball you are enslaved by work for...? What a fortunate coincidence, what a golden opportunity to create some debt gratitude and-

Nevermind...

I headcanon that if Granpa Suguro hadn’t died on Blue Night, Mephisto would have set him on fire personally for being such a roadblock to his plans. After Blue Night Myou Dha was decimated, bankrupt, thought by the population to be cursed - what is a poor sect to do? Who could possibly help? Oh wait wasn‘t there some guy a while back, y’know, that exorcist dude who came crashing in and saved the lives of our families and friends? He seemed to know what he was doing, think we could ask him? So the take-away from this is If not for that disease, if not for Mephisto’s misinformation and Shiro’s break-in, Myou Dha would never have joined True Cross. The Right Eye would never have been kept in Kyoto, there had been no Myou Dha kids at the Academy for Saburota to recruit, and the cram school kids would never have been in Kyoto to fight the Impure King. And also that Mephisto is a fabulous bastard and a pure joy to write! ☆

#ao no exorcist #ao no exorcist fandom #timeline #timeline theory #long post #Mephisto Pheles #Fujimoto Shiro #Myou Dha #Kyoto arc

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mxnark · 4 years

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♫

♫ rk memes - song drabbles

now playing… you’re the reason (acoustic) by victorious ft. victoria justice

because the acoustic one fits this better than the original

it was supposed to be like any other night for mina.

when it came to her favorite shows, she'd make a point in the house that she was going to stay in her bedroom and watch whichever one of her favorites was on from the start time until it ended. she never actually brought it up to her family though, considering everyone had other things to do than bother her with anything. not to mention, she'd just get another lecture by her mom, saying she was going to ruin her eyes by always keeping her eyes on whatever screen was nearby her. but she always ignored her because 1. she's a teenager and 2. she ignores her mom's commands on a daily basis anyway.

like the kids in her school and her mutuals on social media, she was a fan of survival shows. the reason why is because of her interest in the idol industry in general, as she's always looking for new songs to cover and new groups to fangirl about. she also just liked the fact that this one felt like any other western singing competition, except mixed in with real idol companies that were willing to make them become a star and not a dumb british man who looked like an egg.

she was prepared in the most extra way. she brought up microwaved popcorn (that she secretly brought up to her room so that her mom wouldn't yell at her about that), a bunch of blankets, a fully charged laptop for streaming, and her phone that was opened to her stan twitter account. when the show finally starts on her stream, she watches the episode with excitement over the possible superstars she'll see. she can't wait until she is able to get a good screenshot and make it her icon until the next episode where she'll get an even better icon and so on.

so far, each of the contestants looked promising to her and she doesn't seem to recognize any of them. it's expected, really. she didn't really think she'd be able to meet a future idol anyway since she's always kept to herself. however, as the episode progresses, she does recognize one face. she goes on her twitter account to tweet "omg i think one of my brother's friends is on this season of mgas holy Shit my bro knows a future celebrity".

she continues to watch more contestants go and she makes her comments on them, saying which ones seemed god-tier talented and which ones were super attractive. but when she sees him, she drops her phone on her lap and pauses the stream quickly to make sure that her eyes were not fooling her. no... no. it can't be.

but as she clicks play to return to it, she hears his voice and it only confirms her previous thoughts, leaving her shocked as she watches kang daniel, her older brother that literally lives with her, is on her laptop screen. he's on national fucking television. she stays in that shock until she sees the popup that says "hello, daniel’s parents!" where she tries to hold back a laugh. as if both of them, let alone their mother, would watch this.

“they don’t know i’m here, actually. think you could keep it a secret? between you and me?” he asks to who she assumes to be an interviewer behind the camera, but it also somewhat feels like it could be directed to her. it wasn't like she was going to tell them anyway, considering mina's very aware of how her mom would react to it all. if he's lucky, he could be able to get out of the house with his head still above his shoulders. plus, the two of them had each other's back since she was born. she's not going to snitch on her ride-or-die bro. maybe to james, but definitely not to daniel.

as the episode goes on, she opens her phone and quickly types her thoughts in a tweet: "yo, that dude who sang the jesus song is kinda crazy for not telling his parents abt this. but u know what? he's talented . u go jesus dude"

she prays to god he doesn't find her tweets in the future. sure, she's under an alias and doesn't have any selfies on her acc. but if he knew that she called him jesus dude rather than just saying straight-up "my brother"? that would be humiliating.

...

"hey, can we talk?"

it's surprising to hear that come out from her own mouth. usually, she'd hear it being said by him or her parents. she was never much of a confrontational person growing up, not to mention this quote sounded... mature in a way and that didn't suit mina. but, it was the appropriate thing to say in this situation, especially after the one dinner where she was basically giving him looks full of suspicion. she doesn't know if he knew that she knew about the mgas, so she waits until the appropriate time to go up to talk to him about it... a.k.a on the drive back to school.

he tenses up and it makes her frown. "you don't have to shit your pants. you know what i'm going to talk about."

"sorry, sorry," he responds, relaxing a little. he's silent, as if waiting for her to just say it. he knows her well enough that she's not going to beat around the bush.

"no offense, but you never seemed like a person who'd stand in front of a video camera and sing to it willingly," she says off the bat. "why did you audition for this? don't you know lots of people are going to watch you on stage?"

"i wanted sungwoon to audition, but he said he wasn't going to go alone," he explains, making the situation make more sense to mina as to why the both of them were there. "i only came as support but i..." he drops the sentence to let out a sigh.

just from the explanation, it made her feel a little bit bad for him. she understood why this was stressing him out, considering he actually cared about what their mom and dad thought of him. even if she wasn't able to relate to that, she knew that their reaction to it wouldn't be as supportive as both of them wished it would be. and the fact that he's stuck in this just because he wanted to give his best friend support? that was so on-brand of him. mina wasn't angry at him to begin with. sure, she was a little hurt that he didn't say anything about it to her. but after hearing this? it's practically impossible to be angry at him now.

"look, if you're worried about me telling mom or dad about this, i won't," she says as an attempt to reassure him. "snitches get stitches. if i tell anyone, you can run over my phone or something. but i won't, so you don't have to do that and make me hate you for the rest of my life."

the exaggeration makes him laugh and it makes mina internally sigh in relief to know that it worked. "oh god, i can't imagine taking you-know-who's title. that'd be awful."

"hell yeah it would," she says with a big smile. "don't even compare yourself to him, though. that's self-deprecation. you're obviously a little bit better."

as the car pulls up to their house, mina quickly unbuckles her seatbelt, assuming daniel had somewhere else to be since he wasn't parked at his usual spot. before she could open the door, he says something. "mina?"

she turns back to face him. "what?"

"thanks," he says. even if it's simple, she knows there's something more within it. and though she was a queen for the dramatics, she wasn't going to make it a big deal. she never did when it came to showing affection anyway.

she gives him a playful, light punch to his arm. "you're dumb," she says. "you know i got you. kang gang through everythang." as soon as that comes out of her mouth, there's a look of disgust on her face. "that sounds disgusting. forget i ever said that."

she ignores the amused reaction and leaves the car. when she walks to the door, she looks behind to see his car disappeared. she smiles when the feeling of refreshment comes down on her. it was always felt good to talk to daniel, especially when it came to family stuff. even if they were more different than they were before, it felt good to know that she wasn't alone in this. she can't say that she was lucky to be an only child because she definitely wouldn't be able to handle her mom on her own. she can't say that she's lucky for not being an only child either since their oldest brother was also not making her life easier when he was still living with them.

maybe she's just lucky that she has daniel as an older brother, too. in school, she's always surrounded by kids who constantly complained about their older brothers and sisters and while she can add to that discussion when talking about james, she never really had anything bad to say about daniel. the only time she does say bad things about him is to him personally, and most of the time it was just light-hearted teasing.

without him, she didn't know where she'd be.

...

home did feel a little bit different now that daniel wasn't around anymore.

it didn't really click on the night that it happened. to mina, it felt like he was on timeout and wasn't allowed to go back home until she calmed down her temper, even though she didn't show any big sign of anger to him during the discussion. even though he told her about it, she didn't remember showing any sadness. she only smiled and gave a thumbs up while saying "you're finally escaping the evil witch's lair! congratulations!" he gives a sad smile, but the conversation goes on as normally until it ends with a hug and an "i won't miss you too much."

but on the night after that, when she took notice of the empty chair, it finally did hit. it was for his own good, she told herself. if he stayed any longer, he'd probably feel trapped forever. you wouldn't want that for him, would you?

the table was quiet that night, save for their dad trying to get some small talk. mina went up to her room and cried about it before she went on the internet as an attempt to cheer herself up.

she did get used to it. by the time the fifth season of the mgas was on, she was used to the fact that he was off on his own like a dove or something. it's not like the both of them totally lost contact, anyway. even if things were a little different, he still drops her off to places when she needs a ride and she'd see him at their grandma's church once a month. even if she was on her own now with the "ultimate boss", it was still kang gang through everythang. she's said that twice in her life and she felt like a bigger clown for it the second time.

had it not been for their text conversation about the auditions (with a bunch of eye emojis coming from mina), she would not have known that he would end up in the fifth season. she was able to convince her dad to watch the show with her, no mom insight, and they watched the show together in the living room with the blankets and popcorn and mina going on her phone before her dad tells her to focus on the show if she was going to watch it. she knew she was going to see his band, but she didn't expect to see songhee and yeji and jeongin on the show. when her dad points her cousins out, asking if she knew about this, she only shook her head, letting him know that she was surprised as he was.

the next few episodes go by and mina goes through an emotional rollercoaster, to say the least. she blames it on her being so sympathetic to her brother that after seeing minhyun and sungwoon get kicked off the show, she throws a silent tantrum rather than a loud one with a warning from dad. seeing the friendships her brother in the show as well as his interactions with the people he already knew makes her feel a sense of pride in her brother. she remembers her group chat being spammed with asking mina if she could ask him to get an autograph from convex (she sent a reaction image of a buff cat instead before saying "no").

though the finale was bittersweet, especially since she believed that her brother deserved a chance with his friends and yeji, she mainly felt pride in him for at least making it that far and for being less awkward than last time. she doesn't text him right after it aired since she thought it would be awkward to say all the encouraging bs after he technically lost. but, she doesn't keep that thought in her forever.

"he looks happier this time," she mentions to her dad. "like.. he didn't win, but he got further than last time and he's definitely better."

he nods in agreement. "i wasn't sure how he'd be doing after he got kicked out, but after seeing this, i think he'll be fine." he looks over to her. "you should get on this show, too. you like dancing, right? maybe you'll get as far as he does."

mina laughs at the idea, but it wasn't in a way to show that he was ridiculous for thinking that. "we'll see."

#silent agreement #have i told u lately that i love u #(( wc: 2.3k btw #the middle part doesnt match up w daniel's solos bc its a #but i needed the moment #so u can imagine that as an au if u want idc #kang gang through everythang BITCH 😤👊#hope this is ok ily !! ))#danielxrk

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ireneinisolation-blog · 4 years

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3/20 - COVID Dreams

I’m getting to this rather late in the day, and while I had planned for a larger topic, I’ve decided to go light instead, especially as it is so close before bed and I don’t want to wind myself up. Here it goes.

Since coronavirus first started circulating in Wuhan in January and the first stories of it started to make it here (not sure exactly when it was, but early-ish) I’ve had dreams and nightmares about it. Interestingly, I don’t think I actually had the virus in any of these dreams, but a lot of anxiety surrounding exposure and quarantines. I don’t think have yet begun to have anxiety dreams about economic collapse, but I’m sure those will come eventually in one form or another.

I think my earliest dream was just a vague idea of being in quarantine. But it was not super negative or all that emotional overall. It was just that I was in quarantine for suspected exposure, and that was it, nothing happened.

Another one a few days later involved my college roommate inviting me to go on a day trip with her to Shanghai. I politely declined as I did not want to be exposed to the virus. After that, some Veronica Mars characters appeared out of nowhere and that was a nice distraction.

I later had another covid dream with Veronica Mars characters, interestingly. Though not that interestingly I suppose as I was rewatching old episodes around January/February. In the second dream, it was a very anxious dream. I was quarantined at a military base after possible exposure to the virus. We slept in an open room (the same as in the images that came out of Wuhan where people with mild versions of the virus were kept), and our eating was regulated by when the military allowed us to have food. It was completely out of control, and within the dream I felt quite anxious. But I guess my mind decided to turn it around. One of my close friends from childhood showed up, and then it was like instead of being in quarantine, we were just having a sleepover at a military base with a bunch of other people. And then Logan from Veronica Mars showed up - hot Logan from the movie and newest season. So my friend from childhood and I just spent our time flirting with him. My brain really improved that situation. By the end, not such a bad dream.

I think there have been other dreams about quarantine. Honestly, too many dreams of this variety to count at this point.

One of the weirdest dreams I’ve had so far on this topic, and honestly one of the weirdest dreams I’ve had in a while relates to the movie Melancholia, which I did not see recently, but have been thinking about a lot recently. I saw it for a class when I was younger and I hated it. I still hate it. But for whatever reason it really stuck with me. So basically, first half the movie, main character played by Kirsten Dunst is super depressed during and after marrying a rather bland looking Alexander Skarsgaard. The second half the movie, there is an impeding apocalypse because there is another planet that is about to smash into the earth and kill everyone, and Dunst’s character suddenly finds a way to be ecstatic and really come into herself in the end of the world. When she is doing this, she can be seen doing all kinds of weird things in which she is reveling in the end of everything. One of those weird things she is doing is that she lounges, naked under the night sky, glowing in the bright light of the approaching planet. It is some weird symbolism (I think the movie is something about her not being able to handle living, while everyone else can’t handle dying? I don’t know. Lars Von Trier is fucking weird). Well I’ve been thinking about this movie a lot lately, because I’ve been thinking about how people are responding to this current “apocalypse” (not really an apocalypse, but still damn shitty hellhole). Some people hoard TP, some people retreat from the world, and some people, interestingly, seem to thrive on the chaos. Not necessarily in the sociopath way, not necessarily not in that way either (some of them are sociopaths). A week ago, I feel like I was feeling a little like this. Feeling invincible in the face of uncertainty. If only I could get the virus early, know I had it (but also just really hope that I wouldn’t have a severe reaction), and then everything would be fine, right? This week? Not so much. Now I’m just super anxious and not feeling very Kirsten Dunst in Melancholia-esque. But I still know a few people are like this. Anyway, that’s all background. Here’s the dream:

I was on the side of a hill near a house, and under a tent? like those weird outdoor ones that are white and used at festivals. Well outside of the tent was someone who I - in real life - knew when I was younger but have totally lost contact with. She was lying on the side of the hill, naked, and basking in the end of the world! Freud with surely have a fucking hay day with this one. Within my dream, I tried to avert my eyes as it would be indecent to see her that way. But she was reveling, and complained of my prudishness. Then the dream changed, apparently my brain was bothered. Instead we were in her house - both clothed - and she had a tiny yappy dog that was jumping all around. I was super annoyed with it, and tried to go upstairs and lock the annoying dog outside of the room. Somehow it got in, and then I spent the rest of the dream trying to figure out how to kick the dog out of the room. (I’m not normally so weird with dogs. I mean, small yappy ones can be quite annoying, but overall I’m quite the animal enthusiast.) So yeah... that dream was quite weird, especially as far as Freudian related things go. But I swear it wasn’t sexual. It was just WTF Melancholia.

Another dream that I had very recently first involved a bunch of teenagers getting drunk at my high school - I wasn’t in high school, but there and observing - they were being very rowdy, and very gathered together. I found out from the administration that they were partying to protest social distancing. Like dicks. This was no doubt based on the face that I keep hearing about people, especially college kids, doing shit like this that is going to fuck over everyone else in the end. The fact that they were teenagers probably relates to me recently watching Sex Education on Netflix to distract from the unpleasantness.

The second half of that dream, I was at a music festival with a bunch of women in their 70s and older. I was standing near the registration desk, and a few women were asking if they really have to wash their hands all the time, as it is inconvenient because their aren’t enough facilities for it and they want to just relax. Then they asked if they could just keep their hands in their pockets instead of washing their hands. We all agreed this would probably be fine. I think this dream probably relates to my anxiety and the world’s anxiety about older people getting the virus. But also the issue that some older people are not taking the situation seriously enough and keep going out anyway.

That’s all for my recent covid dreams. I am sure that there are many more to come, unfortunately. I will update later if any more interesting ones come up.

Let’s see, daily updates... daily updates... Thank god for my fidget spinner. It’s been doing a lot of work to absorb my nervous energy. It’s now over a week into my shelter in place and my apartment is still a fucking mess. I really should rally to clean it at some point. Wouldn’t it be nice to come out of all of this (at some point in the unknown future) and actually be a person with a clean apartment? Yes, I think that would be nice. I did some baking today, and that made me feel temporarily better because baking is such a nice distraction. Also, I was feeling very crappy the first half of the day. Certainly anxiety related. I just had this pit in my stomach and felt ill. Well I decided to make one of my favorite meals for lunch, and it got me back on track to feeling better. It is fare to say, few other people would find it comforting, but I love it: A bowl of chickpeas and chopped red cabbage with apple cider vinegar, EV olive oil, salt, onion powder, and garlic powder. It feels healthful and tastes delicious. In news related to the first half of the last item, I’ve been anxiety fasting. It’s motivated by the same thing as stress eating, but with the opposite reaction. Unfortunately, once I start this, it is hard to re-regulate my food, and then by extension my sleep, habits. I’m trying to do better. The chickpeas and cabbage helped.

Goodnight! I hope my dreams are free of anything covid related!

#coronavirus diaries #covid diaries #covid-19 #diary #dreams #nightmare

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austinpanda · 5 years

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Dad Letter 081719

11 August 2019

Dear Dad--

That sound you’re not hearing is me screaming internally, as our huge plan begins to lumber into action. Zach has turned in his notice at the IRS, so he’ll start his last week there tomorrow. I’ll stay at Progressive through the end of the month. Did I have a chance to tell you, I gave them last weekend to decide whether they wanted me back on the phones (without saying so) and they actually came up with another special project to keep me working for another month? As I say, the supervisors who decide this shit didn’t do anything to consciously keep me employed there, they just realized, “Hey, we still need Rick for a thing.” I spent a couple hours last Tuesday getting trained on the special shit (over the phone) by a coworker with ADD named Heather, and spent the rest of last week doing the special shit.

I could tell you what the special new task is, but again, it’s insurance, so you’d probably fall asleep. Put succinctly, there are glass claims (i.e. for windshield damage) where arbitration has determined that we have to pay a bit more money to the glass shop. I’m issuing the payments to the glass shops and the auto glass inspection service. They have a backlog of 900 of them, it seems. What I’m really doing, however, is NOT TAKING PHONE CALLS, which means I don’t have to speak to customers, and kiss their asses, whether I’m in the mood for it or not. This will continue until the end of August. At that point, I’ll leave Progressive, Zach will already be done at the IRS, and we’ll spend September preparing to move, then we’ll move around October 1st.

Then we’re going to live in Maine, which, I don’t mind telling you, is providing me with a nice hot bowl of ambivalence every day. I want to move, but I fear it. I want to make new friends, but I mourn the ones I’ll lose. I want that snow! But I also wonder if I won’t be pining for a heat wave once I’m there for a couple of Februaries. Here’s what I think will happen: we’ll get there, and we’ll have a place to move into, even if only temporarily. Within a few weeks, we’ll find permanent housing, and at least one of us will have a job. By Christmas, we’ll have a place to live, we’ll both be working, and we’ll be surrounded by deep snow and Yankees. I won’t have to take phone calls for Progressive, but I will have rust beginning to form on the underside of my car. I predict I will be, on average, 4% happier. If I’m wrong about that, maybe we’ll give Marquette, Michigan or Spokane, Washington a try. Perhaps we’ll purchase an RV and become itinerant English majors.

So, a bunch of change is about to happen. The only regret I’m feeling right now is that I don’t still smoke cigarettes. After meals, and when you’re in the midst of humongous life change, you really miss ‘em. Lately I’ve had some pretty big cravings! Possibly because I thought I might have a cigarette on my final day at Progressive. That sounds like a bad idea on its face, I know. You don’t quit something you’re addicted to and then reward yourself with it a few months later. Still, I’m cigarette-free since 3/3 and still counting! I haven’t cheated even once, though I don’t make any promises about the future, and I still have dreams that feature smoking cigarettes most nights.

I must say, this moving out of state is, at least partially, meant to help me avoid one of life’s more insidious pitfalls: complacency. No matter how potentially scary the moving will be, I consider it less scary than the thought of living in the same place, doing the same job until I’m 70, and then quitting, having a brief retirement, and dying of heart disease. This way, I can move to Maine, live there for a while, stay or move elsewhere, whatever I feel like, and I die of a heart attack while shoveling snow (or, you know, fornicating) at age 145. I love the idea of exploring the earliest parts of the USA a bit! I don’t remember anything about the revolutionary war from school, and it still blows my mind that there are cities in America that are older than the country is, like New York! Started by the Dutch in the early 1600s as New Amsterdam. I’ll bet lots of New England towns have long and interesting histories.

Oh, I captured a few more pics of hummingbirds yesterday! I’ll include them with this email! I’m encountering a problem which I predict I’ll no longer encounter once I’m out of south Texas: I have to tend to my hummingbird feeders a lot more frequently when the weather is hot, because the sugar water goes bad faster. I once saw a chart that displayed how long your hummingbird food would last, based on how hot it got outside. The chart didn’t go over 100 degrees, but by then, the chart was already suggesting you change the hummingbird food every day. And if I wanted a hobby that I could indulge in every day, I’d have children, you know? I want a hobby I can indulge in whenever the hell I feel like it, maybe once per week or so. (This is why I prefer to own a cat.) So I’m changing the sugar water more frequently, and the hummingbirds all look hot and tired. But I got a couple of good photos.

I haven’t much else to report. There’s lots of fun political news happening, and I’m deriving a lot of entertainment (and upset stomach) from that. I’m also learning that, if I’m especially nervous about something work-related, there’s a chance it’ll make me throw up in the morning. (That’s been an awesome feature to learn about!) I sometimes wish I weren’t so affected by stress; it’s such a pain in the ass to exist at its mercy. So! Life goals for the coming week: Begin the last three weeks of fun, phone-call-free work. Tell stress to go fuck itself. Perhaps do some walking. Look for places to live in Bangor and possible jobs. Prevent the hummingbirds dying of heat stroke. When we move to Maine, we want to get bicycles and use them to explore the town, so...shop for bicycles. Should be easy. Will keep you posted.

More next week. Lots of love to you both!

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nightlight-daylight · 7 years

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c o l l e g e a d v i c e

Original Poster - Bengali Princess

Dorm life, class things, social life nonsense, and mental health stuff

dorm life

don’t like insist on being best friends with your roommate(s). like you might end up friends and that’s great for you, but don’t try to force a friendship because if it doesn’t work out then it’ll be like impossible to recover from that. you can live together and be nice to each other without becoming besties

establish ground rules early about having people in your room (what time, how many people, sex, stuff like that)

respect the quiet hours. respect the fucking quiet hours. down the hall someone is trying to study or skype their long-distance significant other or cry over homesickness. respect that.

don’t date anyone on your floor because if you break up you’re still going to have to pass them in the hall when you need to pee at three in the morning

do your laundry in the morning on a weekday. everyone in the entire universe tries to do laundry on sunday night and then there are no machines left available.

do your best to make friends with people who don’t live in your building or who commute to campus or whatever else because then your like whole entire life isn’t restricted to just that building

your RAs are students before they’re your RAs. don’t like be malicious in your attempts to prank them, because they also have finals during finals week, and midterms in the middle of the term, and shit like that.

for the love of god, hide your alcohol

don’t be the asshole with the guitar in the lounge. everyone hates that asshole. everyone.

class things

don’t sign up for a class that starts before 9am. i don’t care if you took a zero period in high school. you will not want to show up for an early class especially because in college classes do not meet every day.

figure out a note-taking process that works for you early on, and be consistent about it. me, for example: i don’t like writing in books, so i take notes in a spiral-bound as i read, and then i continue taking notes in the spiral bound during class. but i had friends who read while highlighting and annotating the text and then took notes on their computers during class, and that worked for them. cool. awesome. you do you – just make sure that you always do it.

you’re going to have a lot of awkward pockets of free time in the middle of the day. make sure you always have some reading or something school-related to do with you – this will decrease the number of all-nighters (and like seriously try to get at least six hours of sleep a night. more coffee is not actually the same as enough sleep, oddly enough)

sit in either the first or second row. in fact, what usually worked best for me was sitting in the front but off to the extreme side.

go to office hours!!! go to office hours with prepared questions for your professor or TA, because a) this can sometimes earn you participation points, and b) you’re going to need recommendations at some point – for jobs or graduate school or leadership positions. make sure your professors know who you are, and like you as a person as opposed to just a student.

everybody blows at least one class freshman year. it’s okay, i promise. your gpa will have time to recover.

buy nine or ten blue books or scantrons early in the term and keep them with you at all times. the number of times that i’d forgotten to buy a blue book and i had to run out of the classroom and buy one and run back to the exam late is kind of ridiculous.

absolutely go to your advisor for help planning your courses – not just for the immediate future, but for all four years. requirements change sometimes, and you could get screwed if you try to go it alone.

yes, take that elective. don’t get pigeon-holed into only taking major-related classes. you’ll get bored and burned out, and through taking electives you might find another thing that you’re really passionate about that can shape what you want to be when you grow up (that’s how i accidentally turned into a triple major)

try not to buy your books from the bookstore. they’re overpriced. buy your books online.

carry around a mini stapler. this is a good way to make friends.

social life nonsense

the thing about freshman year is that early on (especially during orientation) you’ll make friends with like a ton of different people. you’ll find yourself part of at least two massive friend groups. that won’t last. when you throw a bunch of young people into a new place we all just try really hard to form connections with each other, and then gradually through freshman year those groups break off into like smaller, closer friend groups as you figure out who you actually like and who you have stuff in common with. that’s okay. it happens.

don’t walk across campus in large groups. don’t walk to parties in large groups. don’t walk to the dining hall in large groups. that’s how everyone knows you’re a freshman. related: don’t wear your lanyard with your dorm key around your neck. don’t do it.

drink at least a cup of water between every alcoholic beverage. do not go to parties alone – use the buddy system, and keep track of your damn buddy. at all times.

yes, join that club. join a lot of clubs at first and then figure out what’s actually important to you and then get really invested in like one or two student organizations. but at first, yes, join that club.

i would advise against dating at all freshman year, just because everybody is feeling new and unsettled, and it’s unlikely that you’ll have a good dating experience in that environment.

find off-campus study spots – coffee shops, bookstores, parks, whatever. go study with friends because it’ll feel more like hanging out, and it gets you off campus. it’s easy to fold yourself into the campus life bubble at college, and college is supposed to be about experiencing the world.

on that note, definitely take a couple of days every term and wander around the city you now live in. go with friends or go alone, but like get on a random bus line and go to a part of the city that’s not within walking distance of campus.

prioritize schoolwork over socializing. yes, i’m serious. i know that friends are really really important in college, but you’re in a lot of debt for this education, and it would be nice to pay for passing grades.

don’t be the asshole with the guitar in the quad. everyone hates that asshole. everyone.

mental health stuff

get enough sleep. oh my god i cannot stress this one enough. make sure you are sleeping enough. less sleep weakens your immune system, and it makes it harder for you to keep up in class, and it leaves you with less energy for your friends. sleep. i’m serious. again, you cannot replace sleep with coffee. coffee is a diarrhetic and it will dehydrate you more if you drink too much of it (i know these things)

i would advise against getting a job for at least your first quarter/semester if possible. i know that’s not a thing everyone can do in school (i worked almost full time for pretty much my entire run through college), but give yourself a least that first term to get used to the environment before you go job-hunting

if you find yourself dealing with a serious mental health issue (depression, an eating disorder, anxiety, etc), get help early. your school probably has some sort of counseling and psychological service center; go to them. but be aware of the fact that those offices are understaffed relative to the size of the population they serve and are designed for short-term, emergency care. that said, they’re really good about referring you to an off-campus therapist or clinician, so make sure you know the ins and outs of your health insurance policy.

talk to your family and friends from high school on the regular. you’re building a new community with your college friends and that’s great, but sometimes you need to talk to people who know the person you used to be.

friends are amazing, and it often can be helpful to talk to them if you’re struggling, but they’re not licensed mental health professionals. it’ll be better for both you and them if you seek support from a therapist or psychologist. i have been on both ends of that mistake and it’s not fun.

take one night a week, every week, as your self-care night. this is the night you don’t hang out with people, you don’t have study group, you don’t pressure yourself to be in contact or company. just take a night to decompress.

i had a pretty good time my last two years of college, because i’d figured most of this stuff out by then. trust yourself to know your limits, and trust yourself to know when you need other people. it’s totally normal to be nervous. everybody is nervous and nobody has any damn clue what they’re doing. you’ll be fine.

#college #mental health #recovery #college advice #university #repost

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basshouse · 5 years

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Bring on the FAQs

I know you have questions! Oh, ok, I’ll honor the era of the fact check (be the change you want to see int he world, after all!): I think you have questions and I know I want to use questions as a framework for telling you more about my life. On board?? In case your answer is “no” and you choose not to click “keep reading” below, here’s the obligatory picture right up front:

That’s me in San Jose a couple days ago. Yes, I have a “bum bag” (super apologies to everyone I ever mocked for a fanny pack, a sweatpant, or a mini van, and a reminder to us all that it’s ridiculous to judge people for the things they decide enhance their quality of life...are heavily starched jeans in my future? who can say?). Also, yes I am on the North American continent. Sadly not with enough time or planning to be able to connect with many people, plus it’s a work trip and I’m freezing by balls off. More on that later (the work part, not my balls). Let’s get to the Q&A!

A bit of a heads up: a lot of these are combo questions, I grouped them by flavor to make things more compact... you bunch are good at asking the same question multiple ways.

1. Do you miss home/Seattle/the States? What do you miss the most?

Alright, I’m going to leave out the obvious friends, family and a certain tiny dog, because...duh. Do you really need the validation? You know I miss you. As for P-dog, he was IN A WEDDING. IN A BOWTIE. So suffice it to say that while I still get sad when I get in bed at night and he’s not curling up at my feet, his new family is showing their commitment to him in a whole new and completely adorable way.

I do not actively miss living in Seattle or the States. I haven't been homesick. and to be clear, Seattle is an amazing place and our lives there were full of amazing people and things. It’s just that I am enjoying being somewhere else and doing new things (and many of the old things in a new location). I can love Seattle (and you!) and love somewhere else at the same time, how amazing is that? One good thing about being faced with losing my job and visa was that I had to ask and answer the question of whether it was best to just “go home” -- and it was clear for both me and Jason that we did not want to leave Christchurch yet. No, we did NOT ask the kids this time :-).

I DO miss some things about living in Seattle, and if you know me you won't be surprised to hear they are largely food related...La Palma. Pickles. Gardenburgers. Caesar salads that don’t have a poached egg on top. The ability to fulfill a special order (say, make a Caesar salad without an egg on top). Jale-frickin’-penos! It’s not to say that NZ doesn't have good food; overall the quality of the food is high and it’s nice that all the coffee shops serve real food. Also, you almost never have table service, which threw me off at first, but now I really appreciate being in control of when I order and when I pay my bill. A non-tip economy has its perks for sure, including less math at the dinner table! But there are some foods for each of us that fulfill a craving, are a go-to, and when you can’t get them, even a close approximation or a really good option just won’t do. This problemhas inspired me to learn how to cook new things, at least. Haven’t nailed the gardenburger yet.

Also, I miss yoga. A LOT. Props to Core Power, Shefa, Haute, and Maven for being awesome places to practice a powerful flow in the heat with music. Thanks to all of you who taught me and those that let me teach you. Christchurch has more bars and restaurants and interesting places than we expected, but this style of yoga just isn't there as far as I can tell. So hit me up if you're interested in investing in a probably-not-very-profitable business in NZ once I have a visa that lets me own a business, and you can weigh in on whether “Surfing Donkey Yoga” (Jason’s nomination) is on brand or not. I have an opinion but no harm in workshopping it.

2. Wait, you said in an earlier blog you don't overwork (or sometimes even work at all when you should be)...what do you do/are you going crazy/how do you handle it/are you really you?!?!?

This is an honest question I have gotten in phone conversations, and since I assume you know me and my, um, rather industrious ways, you may have it too. I mean, it’s not a secret that when I lived in Seattle I worked A LOT, and stressed over work A LOT, and talked about work A LOT, and did work-y things outside of work, and worked at home and on the weekends FAR TOO MUCH. And for background: in New Zealand I have had a much better work life balance. And at the end of my time at SLI there were many many hours that I went to work but did not really have work to do. So while I have done what I needed to do, and contributed to the business, and used my skills, working and being at work has NOT defined my life here, even in the slightest, which it did in Seattle. That pains me a little, because I also did lots of of things besides work in Seattle, and I never valued being a person who was stressed about work all the time (at least, I did not value that for other people or in principal, though I did build up some kind of addiction or compulsion based on an anxiety about not working). Can I attribute being ok with more balance to a “less demanding” job? In part that would be fair, but after giving it some thought I also must attribute it to both breaking the chain of bad habits and the general difference in culture, For, as far as I can tell, in New Zealand, it is not common to work outside hours or on vacation; people value value and respect family time; and there's a much more subtle and prevalent difference that's hard to explain about the feeling that everything really is going to be ok if you don't struggle to get it all done in record time -- there’s an undercurrent of pressure that does not exist, at least not for me, and I think it’s a Kiwi thing. An informal poll and some observational data (e.g. one boss told me when I sent an email on a sick day not to do it again, no laptop, employment contract stating a 37 hour work week) backs it up.

So what do I do and am I still me and not going crazy? Well, I’ll tell you and yes and no to those questions. Let’s be clear that I still work 37-40 hours a week which is plenty so don't get too exited, but here’s a wee list of some of the things I’ve been doing with “all this time.” Sadly not enough yoga :-(

I write a blog! You're welcome.

Cook, surf, hike, bike, gym, listen to records...I think you knew that already. Same shit, different continent.

Burlesquercize! Yes, it’s what it sounds like -- a sluttier version of Jazzercise. My friend Tas and I also did a 6 week burlesque course that culminated in an actual performance. On stage. In. Front. Of. Real. People. Body positive, pro-female and anti-agist? You betcha. Terrifying? Kind of. Entertaining? I hope so. And no, we did not take our clothes off (that would have moved the answer to “terrifying?” waaaaay up).

Tennis lessons! Finally fulfilling a desire to learn and play tennis that I have had my entire adult life, I joined an adult beginner group lesson at the tiny Opawa Tennis Club. Really, in American terms, this should be “club” -- because like the lawn bowling club and croquet club near my house, this is the kind of club that where pay $100 bucks to get a key so you have access to equipment and courts when you need them, and there are organized games and lessons a few hours a week. Plus a water fountain. Croquet might be my next project, as I am still as shockingly bad at tennis as I was in junior high when I got moved from the 8th grade beginner team down to the elementary school group at a “real tennis club.” But learning tennis is fun, and I have met some great people, and hey, it’s summer in December so why not?

I grew tomatoes. It didn’t take that much time, so I could still do tennis and burlesque, thank god.

I make pickles like twice a month. In NZ, pickles are almost exclusively sweet gherkins. Most of you are probably like “making pickles is super easy, der.” You're right. I don’t know why I ever paid for them...oh except they were pretty cheap and super convenient to buy pretty much anywhere. It’s remarkable how scarcity, a bit of dill and a head of garlic can drive such commitment to a new activity. Now if I only had a goddamn Gardenburger to eat with my pickle slices!

On a career path note, I became a volunteer city coordinator for Product School meetups and am working to get that off the ground. I am mulling over ideas about generating and delivering content and education in the product management space...there may be a great opportunity to leverage my skill set and breadth of professional experience in NZ and I’m doing some activities that will help me network and consider the possibilities.

I have read more books since we moved than I think I read in the last 10 years. I do miss the New Yorker, I think I could finally be crushing the cover to cover in a week challenge. If you haven't read This is Where I Leave You, you should.

TV: In the interest of transparency...I don't just read and write and exercise, and as much as I’d like to present as that virtuous, I can’t lie to you, even by omission. If you have not seen the Amazon TV show Red Oaks, I highly recommend it. Obviously the tennis montages have a new-found appeal for me, but the rest of it was really good too.

Roadtrips! There’s a lot to do around NZ, even within an hour or two of Christchurch. I’m trying to think of a good way to tell you about the things we have done, there will be more posts to highlight what we’ve done so far.

We hang out with friends, host guests, and sometimes try to make new friends. More on that in other posts as well.

Here’s another thing we did, which was attend an interactive improv-y game show at the Busker Festival...yes, I am realizing as I get ready to hit “publish” that it sorta seems like Jason and I are into a whole new realm of adult entertainment. 😱. We’re really not, not that there's anything wrong with it. I just thought you might appreciate this picture of Jason:

Next up in the blog: more FAQs. Political! Personal! Practical! See you soon.

PS: I don’t just cook with cheese...and these are my tomatoes:

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sopewriters · 7 years

Text

Get to Know the Admins~

Hey Guys!!

We’re so ecstatic to have reached yet another milestone in such a short time. How long has it been? seven months? Time flies by when you’re having such a great time.

And most importantly, we’d like to thank all of you dedicated and sweet people for reading our fics, leaving a like and even reblogging them. Your efforts never fail to put a smile on our face :)

Although we love seeing you guys in our notifications, we’d also love seeing you in our inbox, anonymous or not, so to help you all out, we made this ‘get to know the admins’ post so that you can see we’re just as awkward and funny as the rest of you :)

So let’s get to it~

1. DO YOU SLEEP WITH YOUR CLOSET DOORS OPEN OR CLOSED?

M: Closed, I get super paranoid about these things.

S: Same, tbh.

2. DO YOU TAKE THE SHAMPOOS AND CONDITIONER BOTTLES FROM HOTELS?

S: um, *laughs nervously* sometimes I guess lol

M: Lmao, criminal activity or wut? Tho I’ve done it a lot when i was younger, tbh.

3. DO YOU SLEEP WITH YOUR SHEETS TUCKED IN OR OUT?

M: Tucked out. It’s too stuffy otherwise.

S: How does one sleep with it tucked in? I’m all for tucked out

4. HAVE YOU STOLEN A STREET SIGN BEFORE?

S: Lol no?

M: Same, but it sounds interesting enough. Wanna go try it out? xD

5. DO YOU LIKE TO USE POST-IT NOTES?

M: Yes, I am super obsessed with them. My desk is sort of decorated with sticky notes right now, actually.

S: I like them, they’re nice and organized but I cannot, for the life of me, get them to stick properly Istg

6. DO YOU CUT OUT COUPONS BUT THEN NEVER USE THEM?

S: I don’t usually shop so I don’t even have coupons lol

M: Sometimes yes.

7. WOULD YOU RATHER BE ATTACKED BY A BIG BEAR OR A SWARM OF BEES?

M: A bear, because I could still run away.

S: SAME, I hate bees

8. DO YOU HAVE FRECKLES?

S: Unfortunately not

M: Nope.

9. DO YOU ALWAYS SMILE FOR PICTURES?

M: What is a smile, but a fleeting lie? Jk, I don’t

S: I always smile, whether it be for photos or just in general. Although Midnight does have a way of ruining my life :)

M: Rude. I’m a nice person, I promise.

10. WHAT IS YOUR BIGGEST PET PEEVE?

S: I don’t really know. I guess when people who you take care of and are generous to, treat you like shit?

M: Somehow, I feel like that’s me TT. I have quite a few pet peeves, actually, but to name one: you know when people crowd into your personal space? Yeah, it’s the worst :’(

S: And I know for a fact that you’re referring to me there but that’s okay because I love you~~

M: Why.

11. DO YOU EVER COUNT YOUR STEPS WHEN YOU WALK?

M: No, not really, unless I’m climbing the stairs and want to reach the top as soon as possible (I’ve had to climb like 4000 stairs before, ok)

S: Sometimes but not really, I lose track of things rather easily.

12. HAVE YOU PEED IN THE WOODS?

S: Not that I remember

M: Lol, nope.

13. HAVE YOU EVER POOPED IN THE WOODS?

M: Lol, nope.

S: Nope~

14. DO YOU EVER DANCE EVEN IF THERES NO MUSIC PLAYING?

S: *remembers the night before* Yes and my parents think I might be possessed?

M: This morning lmao. I don’t really like to do that in front of other people, so it’s confined to my room.Usually occurs when I feel super, weirdly happy.

15. DO YOU CHEW YOUR PENS AND PENCILS?

M: Nope, I mean that sounds unhygienic af. But, I know someone who does so...*meaningful glare*

S: *Cries* Unfortunately it is a habit that has persisted since childhood and I’m too lazy to do anything about it.

16. HOW MANY PEOPLE HAVE YOU SLEPT WITH THIS WEEK?

S: Fictionally: 10+ In reality: None

M: ...None?

17. WHAT SIZE IS YOUR BED?

M: Queen-sized.

S: Same, but I promise, we don’t sleep in the same bed... or do we? ;)

M: Yuck.

18. WHAT IS YOUR SONG OF THE WEEK?

S: Don’t Recall - K. A. R. D.

M: Seo In Guk’s ‘Bebe’ has fucked my life up ( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)

19. IS IT OK FOR GUYS TO WEAR PINK?

M: Why the hell not. Go for it kids.

S: Uhm, of course, why not?

20. DO YOU STILL WATCH CARTOONS?

S: ....Sometimes but in my defense, kids these days have like super chic shit

M: Maybe, maybe not....okay I do. Occasionally, but it’s ‘coz I have like a 2 year old living with me.

21. WHAT IS YOUR LEAST FAVORITE MOVIE?

M: ‘The Great Wall’ because ma boi Lu Han is fucked over...jk, it’s actually a pretty good movie.

S: Those dumb ass movies with predictable plot and shit

22. WHERE WOULD YOU BURY HIDDEN TREASURE IF YOU HAD SOME?

S: In my backyard but make like a really complicated map for it just to fuck with people lol.

M: In my bank account. I wouldn’t bury it, but investment dudes.

23. WHAT DO YOU DRINK WITH DINNER?

M: Water. Obviously. Hopefully.

S: Same or like maybe sometimes soft drinks~

24. WHAT DO YOU DIP A CHICKEN NUGGET IN?

S: Barbeque shiz or like Ranch

M: I’m like vegetarian, so grass? JK, I wouldn’t eat it in the first place, I promise I don’t actually eat grass.

25. WHAT IS YOUR FAVORITE FOOD?

M: I usually like spicy stuff. Pani Puri’s good too, if you know what I’m talking about.

S: Literally anything with good cooked chicken. You can never go wrong with chicken. Unless you don’t know how to cook. In which case, you’re fucked.

26. WHAT MOVIES COULD YOU WATCH OVER AND OVER AGAIN AND STILL LOVE?

S: Harry potter, Lord of the rings and all the good ol’ classics

M: Harry Potter’s one of those types, yes. But I also like to revert occasionally to my childhood--Robin Hood was good. aND sECRETLY, gREATLY HITS ME IN THE FEELS EVERY TIME HELP

27. LAST PERSON KISSED YOU?

M: I think...my mom? Or my brother? Idek.

S: My father, after I wished him happy birthday today!

28. WOULD YOU EVER STRIP OR POSE NUDE IN A MAGAZINE?

S: Hmmm.... Maybe? Probably not tbh

M: Hahahahahahahaha. Nah, bro.

29. BEST THING TO EAT FOR BREAKFAST?

M: I usually enjoy omelettes, sunny side up. Hash browns rock too.

S: I always have toast and cheese omelettes but I love pancakes and waffles with maple syrup

30. WHAT IS YOUR USUAL BEDTIME?

S: I don’t have one since I don’t really sleep so...

M: 10...gdi. Also, I don’t support your sleep schedule, I hope you know that.

31. ARE YOU LAZY?

M: Why would you say such a thing? Of course I am.

S: Depends. With studies and work: yes. Fanfiction: You can wake me up at 3 am and if I’m inspired, I will not hesitate to write a 10k fanfic.

32. WHEN YOU WERE A KID, WHAT DID YOU DRESS UP AS FOR HALLOWEEN?

S: I never really dressed up but if I did, I’d probably be a vampire

M: I dressed up as Gabriella from High School Musical, once. But the most memorable one was the time I dressed up like Aurora. Man, those were good days.

33. WHAT IS YOUR CHINESE ASTROLOGICAL SIGN?

M: Rabbit, lmao.

S: Same!

34. HOW MANY LANGUAGES CAN YOU SPEAK?

S: English, Hindi, French, Slight Korean and Japanese (Very very little)

M: English, Telugu, and Spanish. I tried learning Danish via Edmodo, but I only know how to say ‘a bear eats bread’ or something. I understand a bunch of other languages, but can’t speak them (A++ for well-roundedness)

35. ARE YOU STUBBORN?

M: Maybe, maybe not. Who knows?

S:I know and you’re not -.- But I am~

36. EVER WATCH SOAP OPERAS?

S: YES YES YES!! Currently on the 49th episode of Our Gab Soon and still watching. Will it ever end? We will probably never know.

M: My life revolves around soap operas...so like idek.

37. ARE YOU AFRAID OF HEIGHTS?

M: No, not really. Rollercoasters are the bomb yes

S: Extremely. How people can enjoy being thrown down a height in a metal contraption is beyond me.

38. DO YOU SING IN THE CAR?

S: Yes! Very much and it bothers Midnight a lot on the bus.

M:Tell me about it -_- But it’s okay, I’ve gotten used to it. I usually sing in the car if there’s no one there besides my parents, but not anywhere else.

39. DO YOU SING IN THE SHOWER?

M: I used to, until I realized my neighbors could hear me.

S: Yes, rather loudly considering my grandma downstairs can hear me.

40. DO YOU DANCE IN THE CAR?

S: Not much really. I’m not a dancer.

M:You mean wiggle around? SURE I DO~

41. IS CHRISTMAS STRESSFUL?

M: Always. Do I look like I’m made of money?? But it’s fun too, so it’s all worth it :)

S: Not really. I love Christmas and it’s the joy of giving that makes me super happy the entire month. That and the fact that I’m done with my exams by then!

42. OCCUPATIONS YOU WANTED TO BE WHEN YOU WERE A KID?

S: Botanist. I was a huge fan of plants. Now, not so much.

M: Funny you ask. I wanted to do a LOT of things: teacher, journalist, author, lawyer, marine biologist...the list goes on and on.

43. DO YOU BELIEVE IN GHOSTS?

M: I don’t want to think about it ;_;

S: Yes and I’m both fascinated and terrified.

44. EVER HAVE A DEJA-VU FEELING?

S: All the damn time. It’s really weird.

M: Yeah, same. My entire family thinks I’m weird now, but what can I say?

45. WHAT DO YOU WEAR TO BED?

M: Pajamas, usually. I don’t really pay attention, as long as I’ve got baggy pants and a loose T-shirt, it’s all good.

S: Shirts and shorts mostly~

46. IS THERE A PROFESSION YOU PICTURE YOUR FUTURE SPOUSE DOING?

S: Kpop idol? JK, probably something related to the science, idk man, I don’t really have any preference

M: I sort of do? Like, I’ve always had a preference for someone who’s either a lawyer or a chef, because I can’t cook for shit. I need someone for that so...

47. EVER BEEN IN LOVE?

M: I think I’m not ready for that yet lmao. But no, I don’t think I’ve ever been in love :))

S:HOW COULD YOU DO THAT TO ME ;-; AFTER ALL THE LOVE I GIVE YOU!?!?!?Jk, but yes, I think I’ve been in love and currently am :)

M: <3

48. WHAT IS YOUR FAVORITE COLOR?

S: Black and Red!

M:greengreengreENYAS--

49. DO YOU CRY AND THROW A FIT UNTIL YOU GET YOUR OWN WAY?

M: Nah, that’s Sangria’s thing

S: -.- I didn’t ask for this discrimination

50. DJ OR BAND AT A WEDDING?

S: Band all the way!!

M: Same, I don’t have any good experiences with DJs.

51. WHICH ARE BETTER: BLACK OR GREEN OLIVES?

M: Black olives duh??? But I don’t mind green olives either.

S:Same, tbh

52. DO YOU WANT TO GET MARRIED?

S: YES! YES! YEEESS!!!!

M: Maybe, but there’s a long time for me to figure that out lmao.

#get to know the admins #admins #admin sangria #admin midnight #dumb shit for all ya'll

30 notes · View notes

ghostofasecretary · 7 years

Text

we’ve reached critical mass

AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH

when i start crying over my fucking hair, this is how we know things have gone way too fucking bad, what the fucking fuck

is anyone else kind of worried about me? i’m kind of worried about me. this is. Not Good.

a list of things i am currently super stressed about:

friend’s girlfriend could get murdered by her parents! can’t do anything!

am i being a bad friend

have i mentioned that the structure of this year is terrible for me and incredibly exhausting? it’s terrible for me and incredibly exhausting

COLLEGES WTF

i’m in a bible class

how??? many???? triggering things have happened this year? i’ve genuinely lost count!

turns out getting told i was evil by a person i’ve loved for four years, who didn’t even know she was telling me this: really fucking hurts!

friend might kill self? other friend might kill self? there’s just a lot of Stress

wow that friend’s mom is such an asshole and i want to punch her

STOP HURTING MY FRIENDS

why am i so fucking stupid, all the time, goooooooods, do i have no brain? do i not have any time??? where has my brain gone, why am i so fucking dead, i know i used to think things and like to argue about things and have opinions and now i am just a howling void

i want to cry!!!

i have cried more this year than in the last three years combined, jesus fuck

pain is BACK

it’s hot. why is it hot. why is summer the worst season, i hate it when things feel like summer, Make The Sun Stop Now Please

maybe i’m bipolar! maybe those delusions i’ve had are something bigger! maybe i’m just gonna get crazier in the next 8 years and be able to do nothing!!

my ability to cope is at, like, 0

i used to have feelings and i probably still have feelings but whenever i do have a feeling it is “i want to die”

i want to die, i want to not exist, i want to stop having a body, i want to remove myself from human interaction, aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaah

i used to be able to cope with things and now i CAN’T

but my brain has also been doing a fun trick:

SUFFERING

except, wait, no, negative emotions make you a bad person

talking about suffering makes you a bad person

thinking the above two things makes you a bad person

jk you are always a bad person and always will be, die

i’m very good at separating my actions from myself! i can do things! i’m sleeping, i’m doing well in school, it looks like i have both hobbies and feelings, i engage in positive interactions with my peers, also i hate myself and want to die and literally everything is painful all the time

didn’t get into a college? DUMB BITCH

don’t cope well with rejection? YOU’RE GONNA DIE AND YOU ARE WEAK

shut up all your feelings and then they leak out in weird ways? WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH YOU

have feelings, at all, ever? sorry, time for death! time for death! time for death!

combine this with “since i enjoy not existing and doing all these things while dealing with none of them and living solely in the persona i’ve constructed, clearly that means any feelings i actually have are made up”

i am basically roleplaying as myself 24/7

unsurprisingly this makes it hard to engage with things the way that would actually make me process them as things

because i am fictional and nothing is real

but if i stop roleplaying as myself i think i will just be left with screaming and misery and crying and doing nothing, ever, and that would also suck

can i just??? stop everything????

that’s conceivably possible but also i do want to do things

i am so disabled

i am so so so so disabled and it’s really hard for me to talk to psychiatrists and therapists about what i’m actually feeling, because i can perform and act and do things, i just have to not exist to do that

i broke my toe and didn’t notice it for a day or two and didn’t feel it

(well, or i dislocated it. not actually sure. it’s a toe, i don’t want to go to a doctor. fuck)

everything is so stressful!!!! i want to stop being hurt

it’s going to be my birthday soon and i always hate my birthdays

nothing like the reminder that you suck and have accomplished nothing of note like another year of your life passing!

fuck

AM I LYING TO EVERYONE AROUND ME AND EVERYONE I CARE ABOUT I SUCK SO MUCH FUCK FUCK FUCK and other things

and, like, it’s not as if i am perfectly capable of doing things all the time

basically what happens is: i go interact with people and i do things during or after that interaction

then i am alone

then, fuck, i’m stressed and i hurt and all these things are happening and everything keeps happening and i want to stop existing and random things upset me and maybe i have feelings except i don’t want to have feelings, i don’t want to burden people around me, repress repress repress, except then every evening i feel aimlessly shitty and melancholy and i can’t sleep or do anything or feel better even when i do things and things are just going to keep happening, and i probably want things to happen, and i want to do things on my own time, but my brain is screaming and i hurt and i hate it and and and

so i wind up doing nothing and being pretty much unable to move

and i kind of have more energy?

but also not.

just. fuck!!!!!!! make me stop hurting, make things less painful, make it stop make it stop make it stop

i don’t even know what to do about this

i feel like i’ve surpassed my ability to cope with life

...

which is its own kind of shitty, that’s one of the few skills i can confidently say i have

so. yes. life is not particularly fun right now. i would say “let’s do the i feel like shit worksheet and come back,” except i don’t trust myself to come back.

what do i do when the structure of things is set up in a way that makes everything extremely difficult?

well. if there are other people under similar circumstances, forming a group or coalition or network is quite useful

if there is a way to change things or lobby to change things and one has the energy to pursue it, then that’s excellent

if it’s not possible to escape, it’s probably healthy to vent and complain

seek reprieve where possible. rest is vital under such circumstances.

plan for things to be better in the future, and have an actual plan, not just “be better.” it is not that one is bad, it is that the circumstances are set up for failure.

what does i do when it is impossible to do everything and still feel okay?

you must make trade-offs.what is important? what is non-essential? is it better to achieve everything and be stressed, or achieve less and be satisfied? if the former seems better, how long term will the effects of stress be?

rest is vital. rest is not being selfish or stupid or weak. if you do not plan to rest, you will accomplish nothing. sleep. see friends. spend time by yourself. read something.

it’s okay to feel bad and be super stressed - no, that sounds meaningless. feelings do not have moral weight. feelings are not a moral obligation or judgement on anything. they do reflect things about people, but in times of stress circumstances are odd and unpredictable. expect that and make room for it.

you do not have to be producing content all the time. it is okay to be still, hit the mark, and not kill yourself with ill-advised effort. it’s okay.

when will i have a coherent meta ethic?

when you can stop having week - at a conservative estimate - long panic attacks about your childhood, wherein you formed the twisted base that everything else deviated from.

when will i stop hurting? when will things stop? how long do i have to wait?

visiting a chiropractor might be useful.

well. quite probably, once you find a therapist things will improve at least somewhat. your last attempt at dealing with trauma-related issues was retraumatizing, and you’ve continually done that since then, and in addition to other things this means your brain is a trash fire. working with someone who actually knows how to deal with this particular kind of trash fire will be helpful.

once the birthday season is over, that will be one stressor removed.

finishing thesis will be very helpful.

receiving college decisions in march will be extremely helpful.at very latest that’s less than 40 days away.

when you graduate in may, that will remove the temporally located stressors. that’s about 80 days away.

after that you get to rest.

and then there is a whole new set of problems, but seriously: worry later. there’s a lot to worry about now, if we must worry.

cw in the next paragraph for suicidal ideation, death, and x-risk

also, you will at very, very, very latest live to be 150, since you don’t plan to do cryonics or any other form of life preservation. that’s 147 years. if you live to be 100, just stay alive for 83 more years if you die at 83, that’s only 66 years. if you kill yourself at 45, that’s barely 28 years away! and you could die at any time anyway, so who knows how much longer this will take. the death of this planet is pretty far away, but the climate could become inhospitable to humans, and if SpaceX doesn’t pioneer something, the end of the human race isn’t entirely out of the question either.

death comes for us all!

end cw

also, more hopefully: maybe there will be a better fix for the body shit than we currently have. ptsd doesn’t stick around forever in everyone, and even then it is treatable. you’ll always be dd, but you can deal with that most of the time - plus, people give you free food. the anxiety could be treatable, the depression could go away, you’ll always be a person who has wanted to die but even that doesn’t scream all the time.

(also? attempting to change one’s perspective and habits while in extreme emotional distress is usually not helpful. think when not ded.)

“just keep going” is so frustrating, but it also works. maybe it won’t forever, but it will for now. i mean, ideally we could go better than we are currently going, and there’s a bunch of protocols in the above paragraphs if you need ideas (hint hint, future self), but you can survive even like this. things have been worse than this before and they will probably get worse in the future, in new and interesting ways, and this is not good but you can survive it. one foot in front of the other foot in front of the other foot in front of the other foot, list after list after list, tasks accomplished, experiences had, life lived. just keep going.

#senior year here i come #god that tag was kind of apt #here i come marching endlessly dragging the void behind me!#here i come ready to explode!#here i am! here i come!#emotional sorting

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amorremanet · 7 years

Note

4, 31, 44

asks for fanfic writers.

Well, I did number 4 over here, and number 31 over here, but!

44. do you write linear or do you write future scenes if you feel like it?

I prefer to write linearly, but it often doesn’t get to work out that way. I also outline things a lot, but not always linearly either, and I do a lot of early draft scenes before I even know where it’s going to fit into things because I have an idea and want to get it down right away quick.

Like, one example of this happening lately was a direct result of me trying to come up with a superhero team name that hasn’t been used already and getting so frustrated that I just went, “Okay, screw it, I’m not looking at this anymore tonight or I’ll just give up and name them The Fighting Mongooses — which isn’t even my joke to use, it’s an old Futurama joke.”

The scene idea that grew out of that is basically my three main mutant weirdos — Seb, Lucy, and Josie — trying to figure out a team name. It is pretty much entirely Lucy’s idea because all three of them are sorta vaguely related to the FBI’s department of mutant affairs, but Seb and Lucy are recently awakened mutants who are sort of on a trial run and not planning to stay with the FBI in an official capacity,

and Josie is stuck filling a few different roles for S.T.R.O.M.A (primarily that of media liaison and de facto team therapist) as a result of how they got recruited in the first place (which involved them accidentally getting on the wrong side of what they were allowed to do with the, “I’m a mutant but I really just want to live my life and not be a bother to anyone, superheroic shit sounds really stressful, let’s not” license, and getting caught, and being handed an offer that basically went, “Hey, come be on our team on a consultancy basis and we’ll make the censures all go away”)

—but none of them really likes working with S.T.R.O.M.A, for several reasons, and Lucy, bless her heart, thinks they should have a team and work together to be heroes.

This is a Thing that some super-powered people do, and teams are registered and licensed like mutants are in general — which isn’t actually sinister so much as tedious, like?

It’s a fair point that, when we’re talking about people who can breathe fire and shoot fricking laser beams out of their eyes and whatnot, then that is not really the same thing as the government trying to make people register on the basis of their race/ethnicity, religion, sexuality, etc. Like, yes, a lot of the rhetoric that can be pulled out in justification of this can be Bad, but we are talking about people who can exhale toxic gases, mind-control people, shoot freaking eye lasers, walk through walls, etc.

That’s all stuff that has legitimate, immediate potential to harm people, and a potential way to compromise — trying to keep everyone safer without infringing unfairly on the rights and civil liberties of mutants — is to treat it like getting a driver’s license. Like, acknowledge that most people didn’t ask for mutant superpowers and it’s not something that they can help (but it’s also a little more complicated than, “you have the mutant X gene so it’s mutant superpowers fun-time, whee”), don’t blame them (especially in the cases where really young kids have freak accidents with powers that no one suspected they had, and especially because there’s a tendency for that to happen in situations with kids who are being bullied or abused)

—but also acknowledge that these powers do have the potential to do a lot of harm, both to the people who have them and to others, and try to do whatever possible to make sure that resources are provided for mutants so that they can learn to control their powers and have the licensing laws in place to make sure that they get said resources. (This is obviously VERY ideal and it doesn’t usually work out so neatly because we’re talking about the U.S. government trying to do things, and there are so many factors — money, institutionalized isms, public opinion, grassroots campaigns on all sides, fuckery in Congress or the different state and local legislatures, list goes on — that make this go other than as planned on paper. But in an ideal world, this is how it would play out.)

So, in this world, getting a mutant license can be done at the DMV or the local Secretary of State’s office (if you live in some place like Michigan where we’re a bunch of hipster fucks who refuse to just have a DMV), and there are some tests to go through, to prove that you’re not going to lose control of your powers in potentially lethal ways and make sure you know certain legal rules (e.g., “hey, we get it that you did not ask to have mind control powers, but using them to make someone have sex with you? That’s rape. Don’t do that, rape is wrong and you’ll go to prison”).

There are more tests to go through if you want to get the superhero license, but it’s still more comparable to getting a license to drive a motorcycle or a school bus than any of the other metaphors for registration that we’ve seen in different X-Men stories.

Some teams are even Big Deals and have corporate sponsorship and everything. Their members are basically celebrities (at least, the ones who are Big Deals on the level of Batman, Superman, Wonder Woman, Captain America, Iron Man, Ozymandias, or the old school Minutemen from Watchmen), and whether or not any of them are actually good at being superheroes anymore is a matter of some debate.

But in fairness, the smaller deal heroes affiliated with these teams are usually still doing the work, even if tools like Doctor Delphi pretty much have a few token acts of heroism, show up to NYC Pride every year, shoot commercials, and compulsively document their lives on Instagram, without doing any work that makes a meaningful difference at all.

Also, superhero comics and their related adaptations are still A Thing.

Like, I see where Alan Moore and Dave Gibbons were coming from by replacing the superhero comics with pirate comics — but I could also see people keeping superhero comics around even with irl mutant superheroes. You’d probably also see ex-heroes making memoir-style graphic novels, and not-that-thinly veiled versions of irl heroes showing up in the Batman or Hulk comics.

S.T.R.O.M.A has an entire sub-team whose primary job is going over comics, movies, YA lit, and all the rest to make sure that no one’s using, “lol fiction” to spill information that has a security clearance attached. They have a picture of Stan Lee on a dartboard because the sheer number of times they’ve had to investigate him is ridiculous. Their counterparts at MI6 have three filing cabinets just for JKR.

But Lucy is a really pumped up about this team idea, so she’s trying to get Seb (who is less than entirely jazzed about this concept but refuses to just let Lucy go do the thing on her own) and Josie (who has mixed feelings about the whole thing but is curious enough to come along for the ride) to help her come up with team names. Mostly, this involves the two of them shooting her ideas down as such:

Lucy: *suggests a name*

Seb: Marvel already has one of those.

Josie: Also, there are two real-life teams registered with that name and I think four different individual vigilantes.

Lucy: *suggests a different name*

Seb: DC got there first.

Josie: There aren’t any real world teams with that name, but it has been one of the most popular names independent vigilante names for five years running.

Lucy: *suggests, “The Crusaders”*

Seb: Ehhh, do we really want to invoke the Crusades? I mean, okay, the word sounds cool, but the Crusades were military campaigns of unlawful conquest and Islamophobic genocide. Ffs, did Sister Mary Ignatius stop teaching that in her history classes after I got forced out of St. Andrew’s or what?

Lucy: You actually paid attention in Sister Mary Ignatius’s history classes? Like, enough to remember them?

Seb: You didn’t?

Lucy: I had better things to do than give that old bat more than the bare minimum, Bastian. Like, y’know, extracurricular community college science classes because the science curriculum at St. Andrew’s was bullshit—

Josie: Let’s stay on topic. So, there’s already a fictional group that’s called the Crusaders, plus two real world teams, six indie vigilantes who call themselves. ‘the Crusader,’ and it’s also regularly found in weird compound names. I wish that I could bleach all memories of Captain Dick-Cheese Crusader from my mind, but alas, it doesn’t work that way.

And so on and so forth. Until they finally hit the point of Lucy going, “FINE. If you don’t like any of MY ideas, one of YOU suggest some already. jfc, you’re older than I am, why do I have to tell you both to be more proactive”

So, Seb suggests, “The Apostates” because it is the first word that comes to his mind aaaand…

Josie: While I am pleased to heard Seb suggest something first, there’s already a team registered by that name. They’re a bunch of alumni or former affiliates of Lehrer and Woodham who had various kinds of falling outs with the good Doctors, or had Yael and Elizabeth kick them off one of The Wardens or one of their other teams for some reason. Most of them are actually lovely people, but the one who calls himself Bocca Lupo is the woooooorst.

Seb: …Personal experience?

Josie: His civvies name is Danny Walker. He used to be a fashion photographer before he discovered his powers. He was my freshman year roommate at Pratt. We dated for a while in senior year—

Lucy: And he dumped you so now you’re bitter and being a pain in the ass about Seb’s suggestion because you’re still mad at him?

Josie: Oh, no. I dumped him. He wouldn’t stop acting like eating disorders are a joke after I told him that I have one to try and make him stop being like that to one of our classmates.

And then there was a bunch of backstory-expounding from Josie that tbh, isn’t going to end up in the full draft of this scene, ever, since it really needs to be spaced out more and woven into things a bit more naturally — but the endgame for the moment is still that any team names related to, “apostate” or, “apostasy” are vetoed in full because wow holy shit, Josie’s ex is a douchebag and that he’s one of the major players in the Brooklyn-based Apostates is really Not A Cool Thing

And I have no idea where this is going to fit into the story or when but

It’s a scene that I like and drafted out in my borderline-illegible longhand so I wouldn’t forget the idea

I forget how I wanted to wrap this post up, so

Uh…… *jazz hands*? yaaaaaay?

#madgesgoldpin #asks for fanfic writers #memes for ts #mine: writing #mine: asks #that story with the mutants that i should find a working title for fml #josie quinn: empath disaster #lucy murphy: hemokinetic disaster #sebastian moncrieff: mutant disaster

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itscentral08-blog · 6 years

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Caroline Thompson

SOCIAL MEDIA LINKS:

https://www.facebook.com/caroline.thompson

Twitter: @coralinexmaria

Instagram: @coralinemaria

THEN

How would you describe yourself in high school? Outgoing, conceited, petty, fun, a little awkward and completely irresponsible but somehow also pretty fuckin' responsible. Who were your best friends? The Tribe/Zoot Crew/G-Had – wow we had a bunch of very problematic clique names. Who was your biggest Central crush? The Sairio twins and Andy O'Neill when he wasn't being a dick. Caleb Olson. What was your favorite after school activity? Going to Chipotle with Max and letting him eat half of my burrito when he was done with his own. Describe the dumbest thing you did in high school. I did so many dumb things in high school. By far dumbest thing I did was consistently get into cars with drunk drivers. What was the most trouble you ever got in at school? I got into a milk fight with my boyfriend in the lunchroom once and got sent to MacBee. Another time I got caught faking get out of school slips, and another time I got sent to the office for wearing a crop top. Pretty vanilla honestly. How often did you bribe Maria with food so she'd look the other way when you ditched? At least once a week senior year. Who was your favorite teacher and why? Ms. Jordhal! She helped encourage my love of writing and literature.

It's 2008, and you're in your room getting ready for school. Describe the outfit you pick out to wear in as much detail as possible. Ripped up low rise Hollister jeans with rhinestones, colorful graphic crop top, Juicy Couture zip up hoodie and UGG boots. What was your most embarrassing hallway moment? One time sophomore year a senior girl checked me into the lockers because she thought I made out with her boyfriend. I might have actually made out with her boyfriend but everyone laughed and pointed at me it was V. rude What was the most memorable thing that happened during a school dance? Technically this took place in Peter Schumann's garage but there was a giant riot/fight during the Sadies dance in '06 and lots of people got punched in the face. Did you agree with the twerk ban? Why or why not? TYRANY! ABSOLUTELY NOT. FUCK THE POLICE. Did you go to prom? Who was your date? I did go to prom both junior and senior year with Caleb Olson. I don't think he was too happy to go to my senior prom when he was a big shot college kid but he was a good sport and we had fun both years. What were the top 3 songs on your iPod nano? Hard to Explain - The Strokes Mr. Brightside - The Killers Smart Went Crazy - Atmosphere

What was your favorite TV show? LOST Did you win any yearbook superlatives? Which ones? Were they accurate Biggest Party Animal (accurate), Biggest Gossip (accurate) and Most Likely to Marry for Money. My dating track record says that last one is completely inaccurate but I'm still taking applications for a millionaire husband. If you could go back and relive one day of senior year, what would it be and why? Maybe the day B12 came that was a wild day. How did you imagine your life in 10 years would look? I honestly had no idea. I vaguely knew I wanted to do something related to writing and that I wanted to live in a big city. But I had no real picture of what that looked like. I probably thought I was going to be Carrie Bradshaw (kill me) or something, but in general I think I was terrified by the future and had no clue what it would look like.

NOW

What do you do for a living? I'm a freelance journalist and full-time financial content strategist at a PR firm based out of NYC.

Where do you live? Chicago, IL Describe your house/apartment/room in your mom's basement: I actually just bought a two-bedroom condo in an old brick brownstone in Pilsen (southwest Chicago). It's got very high ceilings and a cute back garden. Tell us about your family (married? kids? pets? unwanted alien babies?): I live with my boyfriend, two cats and our beautiful dog, Nella Jane. Do you still hang out with any of your friends from high school? Yes! Some of my closest friends are Central peeps. How have you changed since high school? I'm much less conflict-averse, less awkward and I care a lot less about what other people think of me. I also don't drink very much anymore. How are you the same? I'm still sarcastic, outgoing and still love to talk shit. What do you miss the most about your Central days? How carefree and happy I was. I got stressed out about things sometimes but in general I was very happy and content with my life in high school. I also miss having so many friends around me all the time. What do you think your 18-year-old self would think about your life today She would probably be stoked that I figured out a way to make money writing, excited that I'd moved out of St. Paul, and happy that I'm still tight with most of my closest high school friends. I think she'd also be really proud of me for making it on my own, I remember feeling like the things I wanted were so impossible to get. I'm glad that wasn't true.

What are the top 3 songs on your phone? I realize how pretentious this sounds but I mostly listen to podcasts. That said the latest Lorde album is amazing.

What is your favorite binge-worthy show? The Good Place, Westworld, The Expanse and every cooking show on Netflix. What Central teacher do you wish you were currently friends with? Hmm, maybe Mr. Costello that dude seemed like a huge stoner. Who from high school do you stalk the most on social media? Everyone honestly. I love seeing what your lives have turned out like. Who are you most excited to see at the reunion? Again, everyone. Except a couple people. You know who you are. Just kidding!! Everyone! If you knew then what you know now, would you change anything you did in high school? I think I'd try to do everything almost the same, I loved high school. That said I'd probably try and be less concerned with what people thought of me, and expand my friendships outside of my very tight social circle. Maybe I'd relax a little more knowing things would work out, or maybe I'd get a little more active in politics if I knew what was coming in 2016, lol.

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tysonthebitcher · 6 years

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How not to look like a college freshman

“You’re a freshman, right?” You’re going to hear it a lot if you’re new to college. But you can avoid it. See, I don’t like stereotypes, but people generally can recognize freshmen at a glance. Freshmen just dress a certain way, period. But by listening to some sage advice, you might actually pass for not-so-green...until you open your mouth, of course, but that’s for a different article. Of course, like everything else you’re about to cram in your head for the next four years, you probably won’t listen. No, you’ll probably get called out for being an ignorant freshman a bunch of times. Then, you’ll run into this article again, look at yourself in the mirror, and say, “Damn, Mr. Internet guy was right.” But for the ten percent who will listen, here you go: 1. Chuck that lanyard out the fuckin window Warning: when you arrive, you will be given a lanyard with a dorm key attached. You will get it and think, “Hey, this is cool—it’s got my college name on it and everything.” You will want to feel proud. Resist this desire. The next time you find yourself near a trashcan, drop your lanyard into it. Do not hesitate, or risk looking greener then that kid who still wears his high school letterman jacket. 2. Don’t give on-campus bookstores your money. The blonde is a lie. (You’ll understand this statement soon.) There’s no other way to say this: the bookstores on campus are price-gouging criminals and the only people who don’t know this for a goddamn fact are the newest of the new. The people in these places do not give a fuck about you. They know you’re new. They want to exploit it. So they offer to pick out all your books based on your schedule, and shit the cute girl might even take you on a little tour and show you where all your books are. So nice, so convenient. You even will thank them by the end of it. They are fucking you, and you will thank them. The smiling blonde? She is lying to you. Listen—I get it: you have a penis and this chick is being flirty and you’re new and it’s convenient, so you buy the books. You’re an idiot, but I understand. So if you do end up buying the books from them, at least absolutely do not sell it back to them. They’ll buy your books back? Maybe, and if so only at a small fraction of what you paid. Of course, you’re a drunk asshole freshman who needs money like most third-world people need water, so you’ll take whatever pittance they throw your way. And since you bought the books months ago, you will almost feel like you are getting free money. You aren’t. You just—aren’t. You’re getting fucked. If you’re actually ambitious enough to sell your books after school’s out, check out Chegg Buyback. They are one of the only places I’ve found that actually buy textbooks back at a good price. There are no blondes winking or giving you sultry looks, but they make it simple as shit to do and at times I found myself actually surprised at how much they offered. But if you want to go full retard in the first place, don’t buy the books from the goddamn bookstore. Either go through one of those places that lets you use the books you need and then give them back. Again, Chegg offers this in textbook rental and I’m sure some others do as well but Chegg was the main go-to for my dorm. You can do it hungover in your room and you can buy the books used or new, or you can rent them. If you had to buy a book new or used they will most likely buy it back at the end of the year with their buy back program. Since Chegg isnt just selling books at one college, they actually can buy a lot more back to resell. They remind you before they are due, and you just drop them off with the postage they paid for and that’s it. But why were we buying textbooks to begin with again? I have never met anyone with a really badass textbook collection. Textbooks aren’t a status symbol like a new car. Just rent it, suck the knowledge out of it for long enough to pass your finals, then get rid of it. Just don’t go to the campus bookstore. The blonde does not like you. She never did. The blonde is a lie. 3. Don’t post things like “I love college” online It’s kind of crazy how quickly people realize they are living the best years of your life. And I mean, it makes sense: you can now party without having to tell your parents you’re sleeping over at your responsible friend’s house. You no longer have to ask your co-worker’s friend’s brother to buy you alcohol. Drugs and alcohol will be the easiest they ever have been to get your hands on—many times absolutely free. You can now relate to those college drinking songs. But don’t post “I love college” to your Facebook or twitter. I mean, we get it. But everyone loves college. That’s like saying “I love having sex.” Everyone does, and the only people who announce it are first-timers. 4. Don’t drink Skol or Kamchatka. This is a big one. It’s a hard one too. Drinking Skol or Kamchatka is almost a freshman requirement. You will soon realize that you can get half gallons of shitty bottom-shelf vodka for $10. You most likely will be drinking a lot, and you will probably be broke, so it will look like a good idea. But just spend the extra couple dollars to get something better. These bottles of bum piss will leave you feeling extra hungover the next day. If you are at a party with people other then freshman, as soon as you bring the plastic bottle of skol out, people will gag. You’ll be embarrased as the people you thought were nice refuse to even make eye contact with you because they subjected themselves to the same liquid punishment when they were a freshman and now the sight of it makes them want to throw up. Of course, you can always put it in a water bottle like you did in high school. But that is almost worse—then people will know you are underage. No one over 21, in the history of this earth, has ever thought, “Huh, I wonder if maybe this alcohol will taste better in a water bottle?” 5. Get help when you need it. I honestly sucked at this one. Being at college you sometimes forget what you are really there to do: Get that degree. After months of “loving college” and drinking your skol vodka I said not to drink, you will soon realize you are failing every class. To make it tougher, most classes don’t take attendance which makes going to class that much harder. Awesome, right? Wrong. Not awesome. Every morning you wake up—possibly for the first time in your life—without the threat of bad things happening if you don’t go to class. “Nah, I’ll just go to class.” Sure, buddy. All of this sets up the perfect storm for an unfuckingbelievable amount of stress for your average college virgin. A ton of work, almost nil understanding, and everything on the line. Your stoner friend can’t help you, and the professor who hasn’t seen your face in months won’t want to help you, either. You will then remember seeing stuff about college tutors on campus. But you’re lazy and don’t want to go (remember, that’s the whole reason you’re in this mess). Listen, I know: college tutors don’t care. They’re usually just students like you. Probably don’t even get paid—most are doing it for some dumb college credit and so just want your dumbass out the door. They’re probably as hungover as you. You have to make an appointment. You have to wear clothes. Ugh, right? Then, hooray, awkward chat with a stranger about a subject you’re failing! Thankfully for your lazy ass, you live in the magical world of the future where anything can be done online. There are a lot of online video-chat tutors. Again, I’d suggest to check out Chegg for their online tutoring. It seemed to be of a way higher quality than the dumbasses I ran into on campus, and –this is huge for me—you don’t even have to do video chat: you can be straight-up lazy, anti-social, and totally naked, and do a tutoring session through text chat. Best part I found about that is then everything is easily searchable—no panicking through scribbled notes, and no “walk of shame” out of the tutor’s office. 6. Don’t go home every weekend. I never really got this one. When I was a freshman I knew people that went back home all the time. You’ll probably find yourself moving back in with your parents after you graduate anyway I understand you will feel homesick. It is normal to want go back home. College is a big change, and at times you will feel lost or anxious. Going home is comfortable and familiar, but save that for the holidays. Because here’s some real talk that you’ll realize after the first time you go home: I promise you, you will be bored after 2 hours, and have to hear about all the stuff you missed from your smart friends who didnt go home.. College is the best years of your life. Everyone says it. It’s true. Don’t run away when things get tough. Embrace it all. All those feelings will be cherished one day. You’ll be looking back after you graduate and wishing you could just have one extra day in that college bubble, free from real problems and real life. So fuck home for now—go spark up a conversation with Cute Blonde Girl from the campus bookstore when she gets off shift at eight and see what happens. Maybe she really did like you after all.

#lol #college #advice #millennials #freshman

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viper-no-viping · 7 years

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Wweelp. I guess it's Rambling Time.

Not even sure how far I'll get in any particular topic, but, we're still kind of rusty with blathering shit for school assignments, so.. Here I am, exercising my shit-blathering pathways, or whatever.

I guess an initial General Weather Report would be suitable, given that seems to be how our collectively chronophobic ass keeps track of things that we will Almost Definitely forget in the nearish future.. But that would require thinking in detail about Various Things and that's kind of Not My Bag rly, heh, so. I dunno, I guess we'll see what happens.

Suppose starting with the current thought process will suffice. There's this trans chick on YouTube we follow, who posted recently that she's getting bottom surgery, now that she's recovered from her facial feminization surgery. From there I ended up at.. One or two other videos, pretty sure it was two, about her transition timeline.

And now "transition timeline testosterone" is sitting there in the YouTube search bar staring back at me and I'm just like :\ lol dunno, or someshit.. sigh.

This video made some Feely Feels rear their dysphoric heads, because of some Hashtag Relatable shit about the way he described stuff.. And I'm sure the seething jealousy that he got top surgery means something, heh, meanwhile we're over here crossing our fingers that the body isn't too fucked up for even a breast reduction, which, even for that, the co-pay alone.. ugh.

I mean, not like I actually know how much it would be yet, hopefully Tahni will remember to ask about that when we see the primary again for the results of the next ultrasound to make sure that ovarian cyst isn't fucking cancer, fucking goddamn cancer, never would have thought we'd be stressing over that as a possibility but here we fucking are..

Well. I personally don't have much history, hehe, what with the Iiii don't, exist, Iiii don't, exist.. et cetera.. yeeup, not sure where that was going, but anyway. Yeah. If not from the fucking ovaries, possibly from the goddamn thyroid, which is Fun. Apparently there are no actual known causes for the thyroid cancers, shit just fucking happens, more commonly in "women." Yay.

But I mean, even if it is some kind of fucking thyroid cancer, at this point just take the shit out and put us on thyroid meds for the rest of our life, just make this shit stop.. ugh, but it's probably not even one thing, is it, this whole fucking body is going to shit, and how many months will it be until we've done enough tests and shit to figure out what's even going on..

It's so funny, two years ago they Really Thought it would just be an endoscopy and colonoscopy to find the cause, just a couple tests.. xD Ahh, funny in a kind of lol kill me way.. But at least shit is actually showing UP on tests now. Just having the vague undiagnosable bullshit is a different kind of agony, like before the LPR was diagnosed, it is Fucked Up trying to get any kind of answer on shit when your main symptom is just a constant hellish nausea, not anything that comes back from a lab test with Actual Results that doctors will Actually Respect.. To say nothing of how family and friends start slowly but surely deciding to themselves that it's just you making a fuss out of "nothing."

So, yeah. Different kind of hell, but godfuckingdamn I would take almost any other ailment aside from this fucking Everlasting Period bullshit. Talk about fucking dysphoria, haha. You really hate acknowledging the existence of this entire section of the meatsuit you're stuck in? Here, have some as-yet-undiagnosed ~menstrual issues~ that make the most unpleasant thing that section of the meatsuit does last TWICE AS LONG AS IT USED TO!! THAT SURELY WON'T MAKE YOU WANT TO STAB YOURSELF AT ALL!!!!

Yep. Look how well I'm coping. XDD STFU self, damn.

Or, well, I guess don't STFU, still need to exercise the word-vomit muscles, god knows how the fuck I'm gonna get by the rest of that godforsaken pass/fail How To Actually Do Shit With Your Psychology Degree Part I class.. Due tomorrow is an assignment in place of a midterm, to make a resume and goal list of shit to do that'll make said resume better.

Except there are no accredited fully-online law schools yet, so what in the ungodly fuck are we gonna even do with the degree? It's not like having it is gonna make the body less of a complete medical fucking wreck, it's not like it'll erase the fact that we can never know when we're going to be suddenly fucking incapacitated with dizziness/ridiculous cramps/intense don't-fucking-move-or-you'll-gag nausea for days on end so we can't actually keep a consistent schedule of doing anything outside of the house, what the fuck good is it gonna do me to make a fucking resume reminding me of exactly how worthless of a job candidate we are at this point?

Whoops, that Got Deep real quick, haha. But like, seriously, what the shit do I even put on a resume aside from the fact that we accidentally started the Psychology Club at our high school? If we use the non-chronological resume format it'll make the employment gap stand out less, but it's supposed to emphasize skills and experience instead, and what fucking skills or whatever can we even put on a resume? What fucking skill set will make you a viable job candidate when you can't even stand for the length of a shower without your legs getting shaky, but you don't have a fancy enough degree or the social stamina to handle a job that doesn't require some form of physical labor? Not to mention I think there's also supposed to be a made-up cover letter, something like "Hi I'm XYZ and I'm applying for ABC job with this resume", what the fucking shit can I even put for that when I know how Ridiculously Limited we are at this point?

A bunch of blathered nonsense to fill a page with lots of words and hopefully conceal the fact that we're completely making shit up. That's what. Because I can't just say "I'm Pretty Much Fucked in terms of traditional employment because chronically ill autistic multiple, and am trying to plan out a career in online comics, or if online law school becomes a thing I'll gladly use my psych degree for that." That's how you fail an assignment, even if it's the truth. I can't exactly write a cover letter to the internet announcing our intent to try that shit. So. Yeah. All aboard the Blathering Train, instead.

But yeah, anyway, that's enough financial/career angst for right now. Back to dysphoria angst!, lolol.

Yeah, so, here I am staring at this shit in the search bar and just.. Like, I don't even know if it would be medically safe to try HRT at this point, but aside from that, I don't even think that's what we want, ideally? Not interested in dealing with facial hair, armpit and "downstairs" hair already pisses some of us off enough..

Not sure if we're interested in being perceived as male, I guess, but not really wanting to be perceived as female either? I'm pretty sure at this point most of us are either specifically agender, or don't subscribe to the concept of gendering traits at all and just call themselves non-binary..

Like, the vast majority of us have fucking hated the body's boobs since they first showed up in middle school. We gave Not A Fuck for gendered shit, in general, but on an autistic sensory level we Fucking Despise pressure on the body's chest and these bitches are heavy. Even moreso than usual, recently, what with the hormones being fucked up. Fucking hate it.

But like, how do you explain to a doctor that you want the boobs off completely? The best we can probably realistically hope for is a reduction because back pain, but I dunno if it would Raise Questions if we asked what the smallest possible size they could do was. Could we settle for As? Would it be weird to ask to go from DDs to As? Weird enough that someone would take the time to be like "now hang on a second" and start trying to make us go through the red tape bullshit to be on record as Officially A Trans TM?

If we could get away with not wearing a bra without looking like we're wearing weird droopy melons under our shirt, I feel like that much would be enough for several of us, even if the body did still technically have some small boobage. As long as it didn't impede us or anything we wanted to do, if it didn't get in the way or weigh down on our chest, if it didn't make our shirts fit weird, I feel like we could deal with that..

But then I see this trans bro on YouTube here and hhnnghh why can't we just not have themmmm..

I mean, ideally, why can't the fuckers be detachable so those who don't hate them can put them on when they feel like it and the rest of us can go on our merry way without them, but, heh, science isn't quite there yet.. Next best thing seems like it would be getting top surgery and letting whomever felt like having boobs just stuff a bra when they wanted to. But of course, insurance won't pay for it if it's just because We Really Want It, we'd have to either be Officially Trans TM and jump through all those hoops and hope top surgery is covered, or we'd have to just settle for a breast reduction covered under back pain.

I guess it also Says Something, that so many of us in the system are asexual-and/or-gay dudes, or simply never thought about it and are female "by default" aka because the body was categorized as that and we didn't care enough about gender to think there was any other option, we just accepted the narrative presented to us, that we were just "not like other girls." None of us have ever felt super masculine or super feminine, that I can recall, because What The Fuck Even Is Gender, and why the fuck is it necessary to divide up traits into human-created categories anyway..

But it makes it hard to figure out exactly where we are in terms of transness.. We've known Basically Forever that we "aren't like other girls," but gender means so little to us that we never particularly wanted to be a boy either, so calling ourselves a trans guy or even just non-binary transmasculine still seems odd, even though it seems like the latter should fit..

But then, how much of that is just cisheteronormativity in action? Because I know we've had several dreams wherein we had a wang and it felt pretty natural, not foreign and out of place like the body's current genitalia setup. But like, what the fuck does wang-creating surgery even look like, that sounds like a whole mess of complicated shit to figure out, and we're already medically compromised..

With the arrival of our newest non-straight dude, one of several in the system, some of us have had to seriously reexamine where we stand on gender shit. I guess at this point it's generally accepted that we would have been much better suited to existence as "semi-effeminate AMAB homoflexible non-binary ace," rather than "pan-quoiro AFAB possibly transmasculine non-binary ace"..

I guess it feels like masculine should have been the starting point that we feminized to our liking, instead of starting off with feminine and not knowing if we want to be "masculine enough" to be categorized as "transmasculine".. Is it "masculine enough" if we want the boobs off but can't do HRT because half the shit this other video mentions sounds just as bad as having the boobs? We can't stand body hair and acne and all that, and god knows how HRT would even work with all the hormonal issues the body's already having..

The more I think about what we ultimately would ideally want, the more it seems like we would really just prefer having no AFAB reproductive parts/periods and no boobs, maybe a wang and a lower voice, and that's it. I guess maybe we could try out the aesthetic of some minimal beardage, but body hair in general already irritates several of us.. So like, for various reasons I don't see HRT happening.

We already know most of us would have the boobs off tomorrow if we could, but I guess what's tripping some of us up now is the fact that Vern is way less genitalia-repulsed than most of us, and in fact seems to generally handle the notion of Having A Body better than most of us.. And he definitely identifies as a guy, a non-binary semi-effeminate robot guy but still definitely masc-leaning, so.. What does it say about us if so many of us have already been questioning this for so long, and now the one who's most secure in his gender identity out of all of us is one of our masc-leaning non-binary guys?

I don't even know how we would.. React to it, I guess, if we did try to.. I dunno, embrace being transmasculine or something.. It doesn't feel like we'd prefer to do anything drastically different, behavior-wise, and we don't care enough about pronouns to try to figure out something gender-neutral that isn't "they" because gender-neutral "they" within a plural "they" system is confusing as fuck.. So like, I don't think most of us on the fence about being transmasculine would change our names or whatever, or use he/him pronouns, it would just.. Feel better to not have certain anatomical bits be perceived as part of who we are?

But then that just kind of makes us wonder if we're being a Bad Trans TM or something, like if that counts as reducing gender to body parts or something.. This is all so goddamn complicated.

Hot damn, finally got around to looking up some YouTubeage about how the fuck a phalloplasty actually works.. Taking skin, fat, a nerve, and an artery from the donor site to make it, that sounds so fucking unnerving to even think about, taking body stuff from one area and like.. Making a wang? Ughh, there are so many stages.. Yeah, no, even getting the AFAB reproductive bits out seems like possibly too much intense surgery for us, I don't see how we could ever manage this kind of bottom surgery, shit sounds fucking terrifying, I guess the notion of taking so much shit from another area on the body just kind of gets us in a body horror kind of way..

So yeah, I don't see us being able to do that.. And I mean, we're not really sexually-focused to begin with, so like, aside from just the base-level comfort of Having It, it's not like we'd desperately Need a wang or anything to have a fulfilling life? Just NOT having the AFAB reproductive shit/periods, that would be the main thing, not having that shit and not having the boobs. If we had a lower voice we could pass as a guy if we wanted to, and we'd probably like that, but weighing that one thing against the whole list of other shit that comes with HRT, it's probably not worth it.

But how do you ask for, much less get covered for, removing the boobs and reproductive stuff with no Official Medical Reason, just "because I don't want it"? Non-binary dysphoria doesn't seem like it would be considered a Valid Enough reason for it to be covered, but we don't want to go into a Full Transition either, so.. yeah, I dunno how we'll end up being more comfortable just existing in the body, with so many roadblocks.

I dunno, objectively it's probably internalized transphobia/nb-phobia or whatever the name for that is, not feeling "trans enough" and whatnot.. But I guess part of it is also, why can't we just be a fucking gender mystery and be allowed to exist that way? It's our fucking meatsuit, why do we have to pigeonhole ourselves into either Male or Female just for our insurance to believe that certain bodyparts cause us extreme dysphoria and we'd be better off without them? Why can't we just be a person with no boobs and maybe a wang and a voice that can't be readily identified as male or female?

I dunno why I'm even rambling about this, I know why, cisheteronormativity and various historical fuckeries, et cetera. I guess it's just frustrating trying to figure out where we are on the gender spectrum when we're blocked from making the modifications that would make the body feel less alien to us. Maybe if we could actually get top surgery, we would have a better idea of whether we consider ourselves transmasculine or just some kind of masc-leaning genderfluid non-binary, which is where several of us seem to be right now..

Hnngh. This guy seems like a good example of where we might end up one day if we do end up trying out HRT, but the idea of the body being more of a pain than it already is in terms of body hair/acne/et cetera just seems so shitty..

Haha, is it weird that I'm kind of hoping that ovarian cyst will end up being cancer and they'll give us an option to remove the whole reproductive setup in there? Because we would do that shit in a heartbeat. What's that called, a hysterectomy? A total laparoscopic hysterectomy with bilateral ovary-something-something.. How do you convince insurance that you Need that to improve your quality of life, without establishing yourself as Fully Transitioning?

Wow, this guy's scars are so small, huh, would have thought it'd be worse.. Goddamn, we'd love to have all that shit taken out. Not like we're fucking using any of it, it's just been causing us more and more agony since puberty, can't be doing this fucking 11-day period bullshit anymore, the dysphoria was bad enough on its own..

ugh, why the fuck am I even looking at all this, not like we can do any major surgeries for a while yet, if at all..

I don't know, I guess trying to work out what we would collectively be least-dysphoric with is useful, it's just extra depressing thinking about how hard it'll be to get the boobs off, or even reduced, much less the whole reproductive removal biz.. feh. Time to ramble about something else.

hmph, actually, should probably do the other quiz for that pass/fail class.. -.- That way we can just deal with the resume/goal list bullshit tomorrow, mmmmboy.. meh, that would require more focus than I probably have though, guess it'll be tomorrow.

I dunno. The 10th-to-12th anniversary is fast approaching, probably best to just disappear into distractions a bit longer, at least until it's passed. Still not sure if it'd be best to avoid tumblr or what, on the 12th, but I guess we'll see.. meh.

#this is mostly collective-wide shit but i Cannot Be Fucked to properly tag all this so #i'll just leave this here for now

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