#I had to type this TWICE because the app crashed as I was trying to reply the first time :'(

[satancopilotsmytardis]

Fuck yeah, demon Dabi!

I really like that he got adopted by a community willing to take care of him. I believe that people will always seek out community and I just adore this detail here. The fact that they find a starving child and take him in.

On another note, seeing a feral Dabi would be pretty hot, actually.

Oh, Dabi. He's starving himself for other's approval. He's hurting himself again. And sure, it's different, but is it really? He's hurting himself to prove that he is strong, that he should be taken seriously. My boy :(

"There's [describes how all of the LoV are very unhinged] and Magne" I love this line.

And the found family starts! Shigaraki doesn't want any of his crew to be in less than the best shape they could be in. I really like how you write him as a good boss.

He booked a room at La Venus. Yeah, I'm sure that won't lead to him running into Shigaraki at all. Totally.

And the lingerie shows up! Also, Dabi keeping money tucked away in all of your stories for worst-case scenarios is really nice. Especially since he uses them to help the League after AfO is arrested. It just adds to his character nicely, I think.

Ooooh, flustered Shig! We don't get to see that often. Also, uncomfortable conversation for the win when Shigaraki is very much attracted to Dabi and knows that Dabi can smell it. Lol.

"He isn't supposed to be nice, or god forbid, understanding." Dabi. Dabi, have you ever thought about the fact that you had to deal with the literal scum of society for so long that you have gotten used to being treated as less than human? Because Shig is treating you like a human (well, demon) right now and that is actually the bare minimum. Oh boy.

Dabi is jealous~

That other succubus obviously noticed how interested Shig is in Dabi and felt threatened because they have slept with him before (probably more than once?). Also, the fact that Shig is not at all interested in them while being very much interested in Dabi is amusing.

Shigaraki: "I am going to be professional about this and give Dabi some space so my presence won't make him uncomfortable." Dabi: "You want to fuck me so bad it makes you look stupid."

I wonder if Shig had the scent blockers installed before or after he met Dabi for the first time? Was it just a general idea to use scent blockers in his villain costume as to not get tracked down or did Giran tell him one of the people who want to get in contact is a Succubus and Shig tried to make sure Dabi won't be uncomfortable?

"What if I want to eat you tonight?" "What are your rates?" Shigaraki you are such a simp. "More than worth triple." Oh, do you also want to offer him your still-beating heart on a golden plate? Simp.

Of course Shigaraki would find a way to be sweet even high on venom. He would never want to hurt Dabi by accident.

I really enjoy how you write oral. I think those are some of my favourite fics from you.

Last third of the fic and things are going downhill fast. I'm guessing Dabi only managed to last two months because he was eating so regularly before. Oh, I wonder if the fact that he can't get his fill from anyone else has to do woth the fact that he called Shigaraki his mate? Nah, couldn't be it. Haha, immediately got confirmation for that one.

Okay, but that venom-turned-to-gas attack is cool as fuck. Also, Compress immediately asking to turn taht into marbles just shows how the League is used to having Dabi around. Compress is practical when it comes to stuff like this, he won't judge Dabi when this can be used to give them an advantage (not that he would judge Dabi otherwise, either).

The fact that Dabi has managed to go hungry for this long without going feral really speaks for his self control. I don't remember if you ever answered this, but do demons typically have quirks in this universe? What is the PLFs stance on succubi?

Oh, oh poor Dabi. He was hungry for so long and he tried so hard and he held on for so long. It's no surprise he's slipping. Though taking a chunk out of an already injured Shigaraki does seem counterproductive. Also, that injury is going to be difficult to explain. Especially if there are succubi around, or people who know enough about succubi to know about them going feral.

The abandonment issues are hitting hard again, aren't they? And Shigaraki is such a simp. He had Dabi take a bite out of him and all he can focus on is that Dabi was hurting.

Well, that's a twist. Interesting though! Also, the fact that Shigaraki just immediately ignores everything else to make Dabi feel good. My guy, you are missing part of your shoulder.

Ah, that was a sweet ending. Well, as sweet as you can get with these two. I wonder how the rest of the League reacted? They definitely noticed that Dabi was oit of it for a long time. And I imagine they took the time to read up on succubi, at least on the basics. Did they know he was starving?

Also, an immortal Shigaraki is terrifying, actually. Once heroes find out how he did that, I'm pretty sure they will use the fact that he "owns" Dabi to turn the public even more against him.

Thank you for the story!

Fuck yeah! A long comment!!

Dabi's daddy issues really take a backseat in this one, but they are absolutely still here being a driving force behind his actions in a way I don't even think he's capable of recognizing.

I truly believe that Magne is the most normal member of the League. Oh, she has 47 attempted murders and a temper? Yeah? So what? I would too if i had to deal with transphobia that far into the future while an anthropomorphic washing machine got to run around being one of the top heroes!

Shigaraki has definitely slept with Reo at least twice, however, even if he hadn't slept with Dabi that night, he never would have taken them to bed again. He does not like that Reo tried to stake their claim over him when as far as he was concerned, anything that happened before was just a transaction.

The scent blockers were a part of his costume since his debut! When there are heroes like Hound Dog, it's important to keep things like that covered. But Shigaraki didn't know they were just as effective on demons which is why he said he would be reporting that back to the doctor.

READ HIM FOR FILTH! Look, Shigaraki is so blunt already that I just think if he ever cared enough about something other than his goals, be that another person or just sex flat out, he would be incredibly blunt, earnest, and cringe about pursuing that as well. He does not have a subtle bone in his body.

So in this universe, full-blooded demons do not have quirks, but they do have innate magics and abilities that can sometimes mimic what humans think of as quirks and that can help them stand toe-to-toe with humans even after their evolution. I never had a good chance to bring this up in the Incubus!Shigaraki story, but in the first installment Dabi mentions that he told the rest of the League Decay was a mutation of his ability to eat lifeforce, however Shigaraki was not aware at that time, that was a lie. In actuality, he was born human with demonic blood in his ancestry, and when Decay activated as a child, he was scooped up by AFO who then had Ujiko do a lot of medical experimentation on him until the demon genes activated. From there they waited for him to hit puberty, knowing his memories would be fucked up and gaslighting him the entire time to make sure he thought he was a born demon, to see what kind he would end up being. The fact he ended up being something as weak and low-born as an incubus is why AFO treated him so poorly and encouraged him to starve/feed only on nightmares, since he had already put so much effort into Shigaraki and didn't want to waste him. The fact that Dabi very openly and blatantly has a quirk signals to the world he was human first.

The PLF is a very large organization so it would range from "not racist at all" to "extremely racist" concerning Dabi's and (to a lesser degree) Toga's heritage. In general, given his position in the organization, Dabi would not have to deal with the particularly racist members-- except Geten who, after the incident in Deika, and with his own family's obsession with 'blood purity' would be thoroughly disgusted by Dabi. He would still ask to be put on a squad with the popsicle though, because Dabi is used to that kind of treatment and he wants to keep a close eye on him to make sure he doesn't' ever try to start something.

Shigaraki continues to be a simp, but the fact that he ignored the bite and just kept fucking Dabi is 100% down to the venom. He couldn't have stopped even if he wanted to at that point, and he was just glad that Dabi didn't tear out a vein or artery.

The rest of the League would know they're dating, and kind of had their big reaction to that before the group headed to Deika, but no one else would be able to tell that Shigaraki owns Dabi now unless they tell them, or until it becomes very obvious that Shigaraki is not aging anymore, which he might actually continue to do until he's around 25 or so if the bond determines that's when he would be at his most physically healthy. Overall, I think that they would be happy for them, but be very confused about how in the fuck that works, because the succubi-granted immortality is a very well-kept secret in demon circles to avoid succubi being enslaved again.

So on that same note, the heroes would have no way of knowing what was going on between the two of them for a very, very long time. Especially if Shigaraki does naturally unlock the regeneration quirk of All For One, which would make the longevity Dabi is giving him and his healing look like one and the same. They would also have a theoretical eternity to do what they need to, even if Dabi has already decided he's not going to kill himself to kill Endeavor anymore. Now he gets to take the time and plan for a new revenge. (I'm thinking fighting Shoto and forcing him to use his flames until he accidentally turns into a demon too and forcing Enji to see his perfect prodigy is now a demonic race the whole world looks down on)

Thank you for the comment!

#I had to type this TWICE because the app crashed as I was trying to reply the first time :'( #tanco speaks #ask #asks

[thatseitagremlin]

my drdt driving headcanons (tierlist form)

DISCLAIMER: this was originally made spontaneously for a (work-in-progress!) drdt x limbus company au, since my friend kindly reminded me that They Do Not Have a Designated Bus Driver (makes more sense in context), thus making one of the little freaks responsible for driving the bus and making sure all seventeen [;)] passengers stay alive. thankfully for these little freaks in this au specifically, death is reversible, which is why one of the tiers is worded like That. aside from that this actually isn't any different from my "normal" driving tierlist, but i thought the disclaimer need to be made anyways. full explanations under cut!

-) i trust them: it actually took me a while to figure out who the hell would i trust with driving a bus. with the additional possibility of the other drdt characters bitching about traffic and possibly annoying the driver. at the end i decided that i had the least worries about min and levi... until another friend brought up that they wouldn't trust min because she wouldn't be able to see 😭 I DON'T REMEMBER HER BANGS OBSTRUCTING HER IN ANY WAY IN CANON THOUGH, SO I'LL LEAVE HER THERE.

-) anxiety: i actually trust eden more than nico or ace, hence why she's at the first slot. she can probably drive, she's just prone to panicking. also i can imagine a scenario where she's so focused on the road that she doesn't realize she's driving onto a broken fence like a mario kart shortcut. also i think nico would do fine until they get into an oddly specific driving scenario and crashes the bus

-) road rage: hu has 18+ years worth of repressed anger. if she was driving and she knew someone else was listening i feel like she would progress from small talk to roasting everyone and everything she can think of. j could drive but arei would be constantly out to get her, so it's not worth letting it happen. ace is indeed there twice because leaving him out of either tier seemed unfaithful

-) has never driven: i think these three were 1) the type to get used to personal drivers, taxis, and driving service apps and 2) never rode in those little cars attached to shopping carts or played mario kart as children, but they all would be okay-ish drivers if they had the chance to learn. Unfortunately in this specific au, the only chance to learn is trial by fire, and they all fucked up their first attempts of driving and only charles is willing to try again. and then he'd go to the first slot of road rage. (charles voice after someone cuts him off on a red light) "Are you stupid?"

-) snorrrkkkkk mimimimimi: they let rose on the driver's seat for twenty seconds and put her on the banlist

-) blasts playlist: whit would like an artist that everyone else (except one or two secret fans) is ambivalent to/hates. it's just that my music taste is the fault of my brother's (near-exclusively vocaloid) and can't assign a specific example. he did actually get killed in the middle of driving once (and got revived after that, don't worry!!), so he has to promise to not blast his playlist and not try to annoy everyone else on purpose if he wants to drive again

-) legally and morally banned: teruko's bio states she dislikes vehicles so i think she was just banned outright from the very start. and even then she wouldn't want to drive, nor can anyone convince her to, because you never know what way her luck can kick in and cause the entire bus to get in an unfortunate accident. ...in this specific au there is actually no means or reason for xander to acquire a motorcycle and thus he'd be allowed to drive the bus, HOWEVER i really like giving the oddly specific headcanon of "goes absolutely haywire when driving a motorcycle and does life-threatening stunts that look really cool" to people who are normally responsible drivers. therefore i think if xander rode a motorcycle his adrenaline would just spontaneously spike and activate his innermost mario kart wii funky kong flame runner instincts

-) "people with seatbelts still die in car crashes!! :D": Even in a world where death is reversible, would you even give Veronika Grebenshchikova a chance to drive any sort of vehicle with other people's safety in her hands? also david is barely there because i think every other time he gets into a vehicle he eventually thinks about the vehicle crashing in an unfortunate accident. even when he's the driver. Especially when he's the driver.

#gremlynposting #headcanon #drdt #danganronpa despair time #...oh god i have to tag everyone #min jeung #levi fontana #eden tobisa #nico hakobyan #ace markey #hu jing #j rosales #arei nageishi #arturo giles #charles cuevas #david chiem #rose lacroix #whit young #teruko tawaki #xander matthews #veronika grebenshchikova #btw i would love responses on this. prove me right or wrong. anything goes

[nomsthecat]

MAIL FOR YOU hey remember that weird ask thing you reblogged answer every even numbered question /j/j/j/nsrs (unless....)

qna lmao but i made it all pretty [lighter or matches?] -I prefer lighters, but matches are equally cool. both of them have a 'cool aesthetic' [which cryptyd being do you believe in?] -uuuuh. if i had to choose, i'd say sirens or wendigo [why did you do that?] -because [how many water bottles are in your room right now?] -on two. two water bottles [would you slaughter the rich?] -mmaybe,, would I be caught [what kind of day is it?] -I think it's been pretty normal (CAR CRASH) (SCREAMING) (SIRENS) [do you love the smell of earth after it rains?] -of course i do<33 [can you drive?] -driving scares me. It gives me a lot of anxiety that i'd rather not deal with until later [what hair products do you use?] -soap and shampoo. the occasional dry shampoo too [do you say soda or pop?] -soda... [what type of person are you?] -you'd have to ask someone else about me for this one [if we were together on a rooftop, what would we be doing?] -trying not to die. probably [a scenario that you’ve replayed multiple times?] -mafia au.... [do you wear a mask?] -used to, during the pandemic [is there dishes in your room?] -not today, fortunately [do you have a favorite towel?] -naur.. [is there a song you know every word to by heart?] -there's like. four,, but I wouldn't be able to tell you which ones because they vary at times [how many times have you changed your url?] -twice. thrice if we count going from 'Noms_The_Cat' to just being considered 'Noms' [a soap bar that smells good?] -don't trust me near soap bars that smell good and look like food [did you have any snacks today?] -cotton candy. and uhh. a popcorn ball [an app you frequently use besides this godforsaken site?] -discord. and youtube [you get a free pass to kill anyone, who is it?] -saved for when i really need it [favorite holiday film?] -i'll get back to you on that one(I don't even know) [when did you first try an alcohol beverage?] -like when i was. twelve lol [can i tag you in random stuff?] -of course!!! [the rainbow didn't end evenly]

#answered ask #moot alert! #noms thoughts #crepuf

[softly-savage-mint-yoongi]

Heat Seekers I

Genre: Dark Cyberpunk AU Pairing: Chanyeol x f.reader Words: 5k Fic Warnings: Dead Dove: Do Not Eat. I’m serious people. If any of the chapter warnings are uncomfortable or triggering for you, please do not read this. Do so at your own discretion. Lots of angst and hurt, eventual smut. Chapter Warnings are below the cut. Author’s Note: There are some specific things in this fic that I’ve personally experienced, and some that I have not. Please understand my intention with this fic is a way of healing not just for myself but hopefully for others who unfortunately have experience with these types of situations. I did a lot of debating about whether or not I should even post this fic, and have spoken to a few individuals about it. Ultimately, with the intent of healing and moving past such trauma, it’s been decided OK to post. Please take my warnings seriously.

Chapter Warnings: Metaphoric descriptions of statutory rape. Assault, sexual assault. Gaslighting. Attempted murder. Brief mentions of substance abuse and prostitution. Minor character death.

You always believed there was no such thing as Heaven, but surely there was Hell. Several iterations of the grotesque and horrific afterlife; because humanity is a plague and that is what each of us deserved.

Perhaps in your younger days, you didn’t know it… no, even then you knew. Deep down inside you remember nothing of happiness or blessing. No memories of a person’s presence, actions, or words doing anything considerably good for anyone else. Certainly not without a motive. Certainly not out of empathy.

Before you could walk, throwing yourself into the repetitive ease of programmed machines and technology brought you peace. Technology is predictable and massively accessible to anyone. Technology is your comfort.

Electricity became nearly free and unlimited after the revolution that ended the War on Power in 2045. So long as the sun rose every day, there was never a shortage, and the resulting surge of technological advancements that boomed, as a result, have made most fairly new tech obsolete.

Sustainable, economic, and eco-friendly power became the way of the world. Wind energy became the norm. Buildings were now made from fiberglass solar panels, stronger, taller, and widely available, so every surface collected energy from the sun. Window glass collected heat to use in the winter, eliminating the need for natural gas heat altogether. More room for technology to grow. More surface area on the ground for parks and forests. Resorts built above an ocean’s surface harnessed the energy of the currents moving below their supports. Anything that wasn’t hovering in midair could collect energy from earthquakes and natural disasters alike, as long as humankind was lucky enough to have built something that could capture the energy and withstand the storm. The earth was well on its way to healing by the time you were born in 2051, and although humankind flourished along with it, the world was still a dangerous place. Corporations rose even higher and politics declined, dissolving into a place wrought with criminal activity and fear. Yes, humans were healthier, stronger, lived longer if they were lucky. But was that really such a good thing? Your parent would throw anything she didn’t find valuable at you whenever you locked her out of the apartment, and she was too weak to force her way inside. You were smart enough to know you would be no match in the likely event someone tried to break in, so you had to defend yourself. You wear wary of the men she brought inside, always idly wondering if any of them were your father, but so few of them ever returned.

You don’t remember ever knowing you even had a father before that, unknowing until she told you about sex and what makes a human child when you were four. Not that you’d asked and not that she would care to speak to you when she was anything other than suffocatingly drunk.

In a room that was barely such, the feeble plywood walls held together as if by magic and the curtain strung up as your door sagged so low it only served to be a nuisance to your agenda. Outdated machines and technology stacked high around the walls, most were scrap parts for your projects.

You dedicated every day to sitting in the same spot, surrounded by computers and machines, and learning what makes them function. The finite possibilities, yet the scope of their differences, is something that brought you peace and kept the gears in your own head turning. Sometimes, you would pretend and daydream as if you were an android yourself. You were not lucky enough to be born as one with artificial intelligence.

You attended virtual school whenever you felt like it, or at least you knew the basics. Your parent didn’t care. She nearly pretended like you didn’t exist, which suited you just fine. From the time you were five, she began leaving you alone at home. You knew how to pull the cracked plastic stool over to the counter and get yourself some goldfish crackers or something else simple. You weren’t allowed to use the stove even though you’d repaired it twice, but the microwave was fine.

You knew how to bathe and how to use the restroom and clean up after yourself because you had to. There was nobody else for a long time. Days came and went when you weren’t sure if she would ever come back, only for her to come banging on the squeaky front door or crashing through it slurring her words and waking you from a fitful sleep to wipe at your tear-stained cheeks in the middle of the night. The notion of your tears on her behalf was always something unpredictable and confusing to you. Why would you cry over such insignificance, you sometimes wondered to yourself.

If she stopped coming back one day you would figure it out. The nice man across the street from your apartment building ran a tiny tech store and he always had a smile for you and something that needed fixing. Most days he would ask you math problems as something he called a “lightning round” of questions for an extra quarter for every right answer. Surely the three dollars he gave you for what your fixed every time was enough to put what little food you needed in your stomach.

By the time you were eight, the habits you and your cohabitant fell into became routine. You became accustomed to sleeping during the day while she was out, setting your school live feed on record so you could watch it later. At night, while trying to drown out the sounds of her screaming or sex or shattering bottles, you would work. In the world you knew, the industry wasn’t as slow as it used to be. Too fast-paced for most new phone models to make it past their six-month mark before it was time to stop manufacturing and making capital, moving onto the next one. From what you understood, a new model of home security cameras could go on the market one day and be in the clearance pile before you got your next paycheck. Security tech became your playground after a few years, and you didn’t have enough money to buy anything. It never bothered you that you were always a step behind the latest tech because you had to wait a week until the latest model began showing up in dumpsters. It was never your intention to be faster than that. By the age of ten, you knew your priority was survival and in order to do that, you had to protect yourself with whatever means necessary. You had six different checkpoints in security on your living space not long after you became familiar with it. An additional four security cameras had been installed by your own two small hands around your building as well, at the entrance, elevator, your floor’s hall, and in front of your flimsy front door. All secretly controlled by you, without the knowledge of the outdated model of AI that ran your front desk, passively named Al- born of the building owner’s lack of creativity or care. Probably both.

You spent your days alone, in the tiny, insufferable hole in the wall place called your ‘home’. Where, as the years propelled to 2063 on your twelfth year, you chose to ignore most of the other inhabitants of this world. On a worn-out and broken faux leather armchair, perpetually stuck in the reclining position. Where you sat to work and where you slept and where you held your breath at the groaning sound omitted from its cushions every time you moved. You kept fixing it whenever it would break, dumping you from the side of it with a ‘plunk’ as the bars jumped off their tracks. You scowled every time they snapped the tracks completely. You worked to hone your skills in the world of technology, tinkering and learning every detail of every machine you could get your hands on from the dumpster behind your building. Sometimes if you were lucky, the building owner would forget to pay the trash removal services and it would pile up for weeks. Heaps of smelly trash were a small price to pay if it meant you could hit the jackpot and take several trips up and down the rickety old elevator with your arms full of tech.

Those were your happiest memories. Your body felt like jelly by the time you finished sorting through it all and bringing it up to your stash, carefully removing casings of microcomputers or game cartridges to get to the gold inside.

Everything was fine and although you couldn’t say you were content with your life- you didn’t hate it. You loved the freedom to be left alone and the peace of your tinkering tech. Perhaps a little impatient to grow up, but with every passing year, you celebrated quietly to yourself during the days you had been told your birth date fell. Somewhere between these seven days, you pulled up the same app on every smartphone you had in your possession and ran quickly around your makeshift room trying to blow out twenty digital candles in one big breath- careful not to trip over small piles of tech as you went.

It became a blur after you turned twelve. Somewhere along the timeline not long after that, a man started showing up to the apartment and threw off the balance you had so carefully maintained. You never knew his name, but you remember his face, his cologne, and his voice, and the way his eyes sparkled with something that sank in the pit of your stomach the first time you laid eyes on him. Most of all, even now, you remember him in your restless nightmares and the raw feeling of vindictive rage that in your weakest moments, reminds you that you’re alive, if only by the boiling heat of your blood rushing through your ears. In those moments, when your vision goes fuzzy with the desire to see him suffer and rot miserably in the deepest pits of hell, preferably bleeding and screaming.

You remember him from a time past, standing in the kitchen with your parent, one of her arms curled around his thick neck and the other raised in the air, his fingers closed around her slim wrist. The suit he wore looked expensive, and their bodies were slowly bending over the kitchen table in a strange dance, waiting for her back to snap and flatten against the wooden surface. Their eyes flashed to yours for less than a heartbeat as you walked to the refrigerator, laughing at something that lulled in the silence.

The next time you saw him he had fed your cohabitant something so toxic she passed out on the floor beside the couch. Then he spoke to you. In his deep baritone, he sounded like he smoked too many cigarettes too often. Or drank a bottle of razor blades.

“Pretty little thing ain’t ye?” he asked, dipping his head through the curtain that thinly veiled your world from outside eyes.

You ignored him, choosing to pretend as if the headphones situated on your head were actually producing audio. So he hit you.

Then he hit you again, screaming at you for ignoring him and calling you a bitch, whatever that meant. You heard it slung at your parent enough to know it was derogatory.

You didn’t even scream, you remember. Very clearly you sat shocked, but tears spilled down your cheeks from the pain alone. The heat you felt on your cheek, swelling and rough as if you’d fallen off a motorized bike and gotten road rash on your face.

Your fingers rose and you can recall them vividly, shaking as they reached to touch at your cheek and the hiss of pain as you recoiled from yourself.

Then, you try not to visualize it, but it won’t go away. You remember the feeling of his hand grabbing yours as it froze in midair, yanking you from the protection and warm affection of your old faux leather chair. It growled as he ripped you from its grasp in protest, pulling you so hard the force nearly dislocated your shoulder while he simply tossed you on the floor.

You remember the feeling of his fingers pulling at your clothes and then pain. Extreme pain, so brutal and fast it took your breath away. Your face throbbed as his palm fit perfectly across your whole skull, pushing your head onto the rough wood planks below.

You screamed, but you don’t remember if any sound came out, or if it was just that nobody cared that you did so. You screamed and cried, trying to crawl away as he grabbed at you. There was a ‘whoosh’ feeling as the air was ripped from your lungs when something burning sunk, forcing itself a home of darkness that never should have been between your soul and your corporeal form.

And then nothing.

You remember waking up to the sharp scent of blood, confirming it when you saw it on the floor around you, glistening and wet in the faint glow of computers. You remember the pain that shot between your legs as you tried to sit up properly, groaning as fresh tears worked down your cheeks. The cry that left you rippled pain across your face, too, and you remember crawling yourself over to your beloved chair and leaning against the comfort of its worn fabric as you reached for any of the smartphones you had.

For the first time ever, the brightness of a screen made you flinch back in the darkness. Persevering, you opened the camera and turned it to selfie mode, inspecting your face in the digital reflection. Your right cheek was fat and red, and two purple circles were clearly left in the wake of where his gaudy rings hit your skin. The stain on your skin crept up below your eye.

You made yourself calm down enough to quell the sobs wracking your chest to softer whimpers and tears to help the pain in your cheek stop.

It happened again some unknown weeks later. Your parent so stoned and drunk she passed out blissfully somewhere else and he came to you again. Your begging did you no good, and you were no match for his strength. Why hadn’t you run the moment you could stand on your legs again after the first assault? Why hadn’t you hauled every piece of your tech and saved dime from your bank account or gone to the nice old man across the street for help? Deep down, you knew. You were confident enough to know he would find you and smart enough to know he would kill you when he did.

The second time, you wished you had a gun or a knife. Not just cameras to catch him in the act. Or something that would make him stop and leave you alone. It was just as bad as the first, except this time you didn’t pass out. You did your best to stay still, compliance your only weapon in hoping he goes away that much sooner if you let it be over with. It still hurt just as bad, and he still left you in a puddle of white and red wetness on the floor. The scent of blood made you dizzy.

For the first time in your life, you begged. You begged the adult that raised you and fed you until you could do it yourself. For just once you desperately wished to talk to her and confirm. To make her do something to save you. You were terrified you wouldn’t be able to save yourself, and if this were the last thing she would ever do for you, if it were the last time you would ever see her, you would be grateful if she would just do something to save her daughter.

Hopelessness and an unending free-fall of terror are what you received. You were stronger than she was, and nearly her height by now, with a young healthy body not wrought with substance abuse. You forced her to sit still and keep her eyes open. To keep watching the video even though you couldn’t watch it yourself, barely able to weather the sounds coming from the captured footage.

When it was over, you hadn’t realized you were crying. Your vision blurred when you opened your eyes, with wet cheeks that felt the rush of air as you maneuvered in front of her and gingerly knelt on the floor to beg at her knees. You gathered her hands in her lap, struggling to hold them as you repeated your pleas.

She ignored them, literally shaking and gasping for breath and telling you it wasn’t real. Telling you it never happened. When you forced it upon her and threatened to go to the police with it she pulled your hair and screamed at you. Screamed that you were an idiot and that he would kill you both because didn’t you know who he was? Didn’t you know the power that man held over so many? No, you didn’t.

And it suddenly dawned on you, she was just as scared. She was scared and terrified and unable to grasp any semblance of control over what that man did anymore. She was a fool to think she ever did, and you were a fool to have a sliver of faith in her. So you left to clear your head, much to her cries not to. Born out of anxiety, fearful you would go to the police.

You walked farther than you thought you could as you attempted to regain the strength in your legs. Slowly, and by the time you returned the sun had fully set, but an orange glow caught your attention from the rooftop, one floor above yours. Wisps of smoke, too. Odd, nobody ever went up there.

A single stray cord and a plastic piece of backing laid on the floor between the elevator and your door, and your heart sunk back down all fourteen floors. You were out of breath and the pain between your legs was searing by the time you shoved your way through the metal door to the roof.

Sitting on the ledge was a gaunt, familiar face. She was smoking a cigarette, watching the flames and smoke from three rust-stained barrels. Inside of them was most of your tech. Your cameras, a few handfuls of smartphones, seven computers, gaming consoles, tablets.

You barely remember what happened after that, but you know it was a lot of screaming and a burn when you attempted to kick one of them and stomp out the flames. That day was the catalyst that made you take action, planning to escape from hell. If there was no chance to be saved by someone else, you would have to do it yourself.

Racing the clock on a high of anxiety, you only prayed that for three days he wouldn’t show up. You only needed three days.

On the afternoon of the second day, you hadn’t realized you were alone in the small apartment of your old and outdated building. You were too busy working like lightning to beat an imaginary deadline on your heels. You hadn’t noticed she had left until you came out shortly to use the restroom and find some crackers.

There he was at the kitchen table, the cheap metal legs of the chair bowing under his mass. You froze, watching him in shock and briefly you let your eyes wander around the living room to realize she wasn’t there. His voice was low as he told you she passed out in the elevator hours ago.

The chair made a horrible scuffing sound as he stood up, and you flinched. It didn’t matter once he took your wrist in his grip, and he made you suffer once more.

Something unhinged him this time, and even through the pain and nausea and the attempt to make yourself faint just to not have to live through it, you felt it. Felt the psychotic shift in his brain as he laughed at your pain.

It broke something inside of you. Escape. Do not let him do this to you. Definitely do not give up and let it happen. Retaliate. Fight. Get away. Run. Live.

You barely recall how you came to the conclusion, or how you stomached the grotesque way, when he leaned over your back, you turned your head. How you took the easiest thing to reach- his right ear lobe- between your teeth, and mangled him for all you were worth.

The gratification was immediate as he sprang from you, shoving you forward and holding his head. You remember no pain in that moment, and smiling with adrenaline, breathless but with lungs full of oxygen at the same time. You bolted before he could come back to his senses, grabbing your bag from your chair, thankfully nearly complete, and ran out, fixing your clothing along the way.

He tried to get up fast enough to stop you, lunging for you with one hand as you made it into the hallway, but whatever adrenaline you were on was potent, and your senses were razor sharp. You ducked his hand, hearing him barrel into the wall with his momentum as you made for the elevator.

You watched in slow motion the hopeless rage morph onto his stubbled face, knowing he wouldn’t catch you in time. Letting go of his ear, you saw it maimed, the bottom half missing, an obvious mouth-shaped crest bleeding heavily onto the floor as he reached instead to procure a gun from his jacket.

Although your heart leaped at the sight of it as the metal door creaked open behind you, his hands were messy, and the gun slipped from his bloody grip.

Turning to get on, you hesitated for just a second when you saw her there, passed out in the corner of the elevator. You shoved the button for the lobby as hard as you could, planning to rip the wires from the panel behind Al’s desk the moment it reached the bottom. It would give you enough time to get away as he descended the stairs.

You remember watching her sleep, but an eerie sense of foreboding grew in the intimate space the lower the elevator went, despite the beauty of golden hour cityscape from the window that served as the back wall of the capsule.

It took a few moments for you to realize the sun looked odd against her skin. Her hair didn’t catch the rays, nor did her lips hold the same color or fullness of your own, a feature you had in common. She looked sick.

An unfamiliar emotion welled in you. Some concoction of fear, sadness, and a heavy sense of solitude congealed in your chest and your throat as you crouched beside her quietly, afraid to make a sound.

Hesitantly, you touched her shoulder, immediately recoiling at the unnatural stone of her form, refusing to be pliant under the gentle press of your fingers. Swallowing the bile that rose in your throat, you grasped her shoulders, shaking her. Her body slid further down the wall when you let go. It remained there on the floor in an unnatural and rigid stillness, heavy.

You tripped as you receded backward, falling against the smooth metal of the door. Terror overcame you and a bewildering sense of lonely unknown stood towering before you in your mind’s eye. Not that you expected to ever see her again. Not that you expected to care, you hated her. But you hadn’t wanted her to die.

“Mom,” you remember choking up her title in reverence, the one and only time in your life you’d ever said the word.

You groaned with pain, suddenly powerless without the adrenaline that was just coursing through your veins. Everything hurt. Your vision, your head, your body, your heart. You were going to throw up. But you’d be damned if you did it before you escaped. You were so close. Just a little further.

Your mouth watered with the impending expulsion of your gut, but you managed to fall backward out of the elevator and stumble to your feet, feeling heavy as you trudged past Al’s inquiry of your health to the panel, ripping every wire out with your fist.

Just once you threw up beside the revolving door of your building before entering. You staggered through it after, feeling a rush of fresh air that told your very soul it was over.

You did it. Now you just had to make sure you survived, but you were good at that.

_________________

April, 2072

You pursed your lips, scowling at the bitter, sour flavor of the lollipop settled on your tongue. Leaning to the right, you lifted your hand from the grip of your bars, reaching through the thickness of your helmet through the open visor and whipping the candy from your mouth with a grimace.

You slowed, unable to afford a littering fine if you just threw it to the wind behind you, even though you wanted to rebel in that way. Too many high-tech cameras on the city streets to get away with anything unless you had the money to pay off the cops.

Which, unfortunately, you didn’t.

Twisting forward to squeeze the brake, you let your bike lull into a quiet purr as you pull off onto a quiet road, looking for the correct receptacle. You let it crawl forward, along the curb, and over a storm drain so you can lean over and drop the candy into the trash. For a moment, you lick your lips, pulling your backpack around to rummage through the bag of lollies inside for a better flavor.

While you search for a strawberry- your favorite- you weigh the pros and cons of just buying a bag of strawberry flavor instead of the assortment. Price, for starters, you scoff to yourself, remembering to pluck the sour apple wrapper from your pocket to toss into the trash. Exclusive flavor bags are more expensive, but you don’t waste as much by throwing out every god damned green apple you pluck from the bag.

Frowning when you come up empty-handed, you take the second-best choice, unwrapping the dark red of a cherry lolly when a presence catches your attention. A man, tall and thin, clothed in dark colors standing still against the bustle of the city. There’s a black baseball cap on his head, pressed down over dark red curls that peek out at the edges.

He’s wearing square, dark-tinted sunglasses that block out his eyes, with ears that bow out from his skull, and you briefly register that he’s built the same all around, in large proportions, from his hands to his face to his towering height.

Even in the late afternoon, his visage glows with artificial color as he basks in the light of a large television displayed in the storefront window. Although his attire tells you he’s trying to conceal his identity, he doesn’t seem to stick out, going ultimately unnoticed by the people passing by him.

His face is turned towards the television as a news channel covers a fire at a large corporate building from last night. It shows impressive plumes of flame and thick smoke, even darker than the night sky, glowing faintly with billions of lights.

The man watching the television bounces a short stick between his teeth, but you can’t tell what it is from this distance. You notice his face moves, the apples of his cheeks rising high as he smiles wide, easily a head above the crowd.

The sound of sirens from the recording of the fire dins away to the sound of an audio clip taken from a phone call. A man’s voice, clearly distorted with an autotune. Raspy, dark laughter, and a bitter promise to chase someone to hell.

A small part of you is smug, rooting for the villain even, and his vicious words to whomever the message are, or was, intended.

The sun is starting to set, and you hate having to watch the skyline glitter with the golden light as you drive on. It’s an unwanted and unnecessary memory, unforgiving in the distance of your timeline.

Luckily, you enter the undercity just as the light grows intense, escaping into the sleepless neon of your world. Into the black market and the tech industry, rife with people who thrive on a never-ending night, as if their veins are made of glass and filled with inert gases to make them glow just as brightly as the buildings here.

You’ve got a lead from a friend of sorts. Someone who you’ve got a history with from your days at the bordello, and who kept you alive once upon a time when you first came to the undercity, terrified but determined to forget yourself and be born as someone stronger, smarter, better.

He’s never given you bad intel before, so long as you could get to it before a clan or a faster loaner. Luckily, you have a natural gift for hacking and the latest model of ‘unhackable’ Hyperbikes are no exception to your deft fingers.

You pull up outside Blue House, scanning the digital bulletin for the job he mentioned. You press your finger to it, holding your breath for the marquee to inform you whether it’s still up for grabs, or if it is unfortunately for you- in progress.

A smile cracks your lips when the green light pops up, and you whip your glove off when the prompter asks to scan your left thumb. A second passes as the soft blue light moves across your finger, chirping in confirmation when it’s done.

You don’t even care what the job is- but Chan promised it would be something you could do. All you remember is hearing a payment sum that could put good food in your stomach for a month straight. The only question you had was why a tech hacking job was showing up on a brothel’s bulletin board.

Ultimately, what was one more undercover prostitution job? You were familiar with the work that came through the bordello, and its basic services. In the last two years, you’ve moved away from it little by little, having made some waves with your work as a hacker in the undercity. Your moniker started to be whispered across the shadows as the underdog, a  genius ‘for the people’ hacker that put bad men where they belonged. Only Chan knew you by two names. The rest of the world only knew one.

The name Maneater.

#heat seekers #chanyeol x reader #chanyeol fanfiction #dead dove do not eat #exo fanfiction #chanyeol angst #exo angst #chanyeol fic #exo fic

[jamkookies]

𝐅𝐮𝐜𝐤 𝐲𝐨𝐮 𝐀𝐧𝐚. 𝐒𝐢𝐧𝐜𝐞𝐫𝐞𝐥𝐲, 𝐉𝐮𝐧𝐠𝐤𝐨𝐨𝐤. ♡

𝑺𝒕𝒊𝒄𝒌𝒔 𝒂𝒏𝒅 𝒔𝒕𝒐𝒏𝒆𝒔 𝒎𝒂𝒚 𝒃𝒓𝒆𝒂𝒌 𝒚𝒐𝒖𝒓 𝒃𝒐𝒏𝒆𝒔 𝒃𝒖𝒕 𝑨𝒏𝒏𝒂'𝒔 𝒈𝒐𝒏𝒏𝒂 𝒇𝒖𝒄𝒌 𝒚𝒐𝒖 𝒖𝒑 𝒓𝒆𝒂𝒍 𝒃𝒂𝒅. 𝑬𝒔𝒑𝒆𝒄𝒊𝒂𝒍𝒍𝒚 𝑱𝒐𝒋𝒐. 𝑾𝒉𝒂𝒕 𝒊𝒔 𝒔𝒉𝒆, 𝒂𝒏 𝒂𝒏𝒐𝒓𝒆𝒙𝒊𝒄 𝒈𝒊𝒓𝒍, 𝒔𝒖𝒑𝒑𝒐𝒔𝒆𝒅 𝒕𝒐 𝒅𝒐 𝒘𝒉𝒆𝒏 𝑱𝒖𝒏𝒈𝒌𝒐𝒐𝒌 𝒔𝒕𝒐𝒎𝒑𝒔 𝒊𝒏𝒕𝒐 𝒉𝒆𝒓 𝒍𝒊𝒇𝒆? 𝑸𝒖𝒊𝒕𝒆 𝒍𝒊𝒕𝒆𝒓𝒂𝒍𝒍𝒚.

Pairing: OC X Barista!Jungkook

Contains: humor, mutual pining, fluff, cuddles, vine references, hurt and comfort, sexual tension.

Warnings: swear words, angst, dark themes, anorexia, mentions of self-harm, starvation, binge eating.

Word count: 30k+ (don’t ask)

A/N: I spent almost a year working on this, during which time I went on and off from writing. It’s finally here and my excitement is through the roof. Special thanks to @keopitae​ for sharing her thoughts on the fic and for her continuous support. Eli out.

____________________________

"My name is Jojo and I suffer from an eating disorder."

The words echo across the small bathroom walls, crashing against the mirror I so passionately detested. Punching the mirror as hard as I can, blossoming cracks scatter in every direction. The pain in my right knuckle screams, blood already oozing out of the peeled skin.

Fucking cringe. What was all this for? Was there a camera up my ass for acting all dramatic and shit?

"Good job, Jojo, you just ruined another one." I sigh and let the running water wash the blood off my hand. This was the third time this month and honestly, I think I deserved a slap across the face for the amount of money I was spending on fucking mirrors.

Heh.

That made it sound like mirror prostitution.

I grab a bandage from the stack I kept on the drawers and wrap it around my injury. Talking to your reflection first thing in the morning wasn't exactly the best way to start off the day, but it had been a mere attempt at self-therapy. Well, since I can't go to a real one, anyway. Too bad it didn't work.

 I sigh one more time for good measure and pull a hoodie over my head.

 Ah yes, a hoodie. The ultimate piece of clothing. 

Feeling cold? Wear a hoodie. Your bra is cutting your blood circulation and you can't keep it on anymore? Wear a hoodie. You feel self-conscious of your body and try to hide every curve and shape? Hoodie is your best friend.

I put on a pair of sweats to complete the look because let's be real;  everyone loves a baggy outfit. Not even sparing a glance at the mirror anymore, I unplug the charger from my phone's ass and sit down for a second to scroll through some memes.

Yup.

That's exactly what a person does after losing their job.But come on, I mean who fires someone just because they went to take a piss? Yes, it took fifteen minutes and yes, I was in the middle of working, but my dude, I drink three bottles of water a day. I need to let it out somewhere.

I take a deep breath as if to clear the disarrayed thoughts in my head. As much as I tried to make it sound funny, it wouldn't work because, at the end of the month, the rent wouldn't pay itself. Living on your own had its pros and cons and up till now, if I was completely honest, I had only seen the bad side of it.

 Supporting my hands on the sofa, I try to stand on my feet but almost flop back down. Every time I get up, black spots dance across my vision. I can even see whole galaxies and not in the pretty sense of the word. One time I think I witnessed the glory of the Milky Way itself.

The pills that are strewn across the floor remind me of the impulsive decision I'd decided to make last night so I collect them one by one and put them back in the bottle.

Maybe some other time, I think to myself. Another day.

I'm perfectly fine, after all. I did lose my job yesterday and now I'm hanging on a thread for dear life but it's fine. I can make this work. A small green apple on the counter is the only promise of a so-called decent breakfast. 

"Well hello there, little guy," I say before sinking my teeth into the juicy flesh of the innocent fruit.The apple doesn't respond.I take my phone out of my pocket and tap on the Notes app.

  52 calories are way too fucking much for an apple, I think to myself as I aggressively type the number down.This was about the only positive side of this disease. I was more educated on the nutritional values of food than a real dietitian.

This was how it all had started in the first place — from wanting to make healthier choices to cutting on particular groups of food. Just a slight change. Nothing too alarming. But then, I had to know what I was eating, right? So I start counting.

And that's how it all went to shit. 

After I finish eating the apple and throw its core into the almost empty trash can, I wash it down with a tall glass of water. At last, my animalistic hunger was sedated and I could finally move on with my life. Indeed.

I grab my keys and shut the door behind me, wanting to go out for a while, maybe clear my head a little bit. It's not like I had to feed my kids or anything. There was nothing holding me back. So, I exit the apartment building, my keys clinking in my right pocket, and I hop on my beloved bike, parked right on the corner of the street. Did I have any idea where I was going? No. Was that going to stop me from strolling around like I didn't have a pile of shit waiting to be dealt with? Hell no.

I start pedaling like crazy from the moment I put some distance between my apartment and the main street. Maybe it was because I needed to let off some steam, maybe the amount of calories I would burn excited me. Either way, that doesn't justify the high pitched scream coming from a girl that I almost run over.

 I skid to a stop, the hands on the brakes stopping me from a fatal mistake. The girl's face has gone pale and one of her hands is clutching at her chest, terrified.I notice the way her flawless make-up matches her porcelain foundation, the fitted jeans hugging her slim legs like a second skin, and I feel sick.Sick for the fact that I'd almost killed this girl and all I could think about was how skinnier than me she actually was.

"Watch where you're going, fatass!"

Scratch that.

The Regina George flashback turns it all around.This bitch was going down.

I throw the bike aside in the middle of heavy traffic and shoot daggers from my eyes at her ridiculously perfect form. Any shred of remorse I'd felt up till now dissipates like a wisp of smoke on the wind."The fuck did you just say?"

She flinches from the humorless tone of my voice and I can see from the way her eyes widen that she's starting to regret her poor choice of words. 

"I–"

Before I can blink, she's out of my sight, scurrying away like a frightened little mouse and I can't help but huff an incredulous laugh right there in the middle of the street. A car honks loudly behind my back and I don't hesitate to flip the guy off, the hint of a smile still lingering on my lips.

I wasn't taking any shits from people today.

So I hop on the bike once more and round a corner in search of a place to cool down a little bit. My eyes roam over the long line of stores and shops decorating both sides of the road in a flourished aesthetic and pause on the frame of a particular coffee shop, the strong flavorful smell inviting to my senses. I don't have to think twice before leaving my bike on the sidewalk and entering the shop with curious steps, scanning the interiors in a quick once-over. I sit by the window since it faces the street and make myself comfortable enough to attract a few pair of judging eyes. 

A woman seated on a table close-by looks at me disapprovingly, staring at my clothes for a little longer than needed. She was probably wondering why was a tomboy wannabe man-spreading with an arm thrown across the chair like she owned the place.

Look, ma'am. It's the twenty-first century. No one gives a shit about girl mannerisms anymore.

"Didn't anyone tell you staring is rude?" I say, not bothering to make myself look somewhat presentable. She looks appalled by the bluntness of my words, probably not used to being called out so straight-forwardly but it seemed to have worked as she just turns her head on the other side, pretending to not have heard anything.

That's what I thought.

I fish my phone out of my pocket and scroll down mindlessly. A distraction more than anything. But I don't even get the luxury of having a moment's peace when a pair of black stomper shoes slow down to a stop down my line of vision. I raise my eyes deliberately, following the two long legs protruding from them that connect with a bulky chest till I finally reach the top.

A boy.

No, a man.

Well, a mix of both.

His well-built figure screams "I've never skipped a day at the gym", the veiny muscles tight against the black shirt he's wearing. A swirling black tattoo makes an appearance on the side of his neck, disappearing inside the collar of his shirt, peeking again at his biceps and then snaking its way down his arm. There are multiple piercings on both of his ears, the silvery dangling pieces curtained by a mass of black messy hair reaching past his cheekbones and falling in front of his eyes carelessly.

Those eyes...

His whole physique resembled that of a fully grown man but his eyes were the ones who gave him away. Big and round and boyish.

I wasn't sure why I had spent more than a minute ogling at a stranger coming up to my table. Maybe it was the dark, mysterious aura radiating off of him or the way he was looking at me expectantly. Still, this motherfucker was too handsome for his own good. And he still stays right in front of me, unmoving, waiting for something.

"Are you lost, child?" I ask, looking at him dead in the eye.

He scoffs, clearly offended. "Child?"

"Your fly's down." I deadpan.

Unfortunately for him, his eyes slightly dip down to the front of his pants.

"Ha! I made you look!" I proclaim, a spark of amusement making the corners of my lips upturn. 

He, on the other hand, doesn't look so happy, his curled up fists shaking by his sides, trying to keep himself in control."Can I take your order?" he grits the polite words through his teeth, even though he looks like he's about to strangle me from any second now.

"You're the waiter? Where's your uniform?"

"I don't have it with me." The boy's expression has turned angry, irritated even by the consistency of my questions.I decide to take it down a notch or two for the sake of the bulging vein on his throat, threatening to pop off. "Kay, chill. I was just asking."I lean closer and put my elbow on the table. " Soo...You come here often?"

It's his turn to deadpan. "I work here."

"Whoops. Silly me, I forgot." 

"Are you gonna order or not?" He can't help the slight raise of his voice, more than enough proof that his patience was wearing thin.

Uh oh. Hoe's mad.

I throw a leg across my knee in the most arrogant way possible and lean back on the chair. "Aren't you gonna write it down somewhere?" I ask, raising one eyebrow.

"I can remember it." he simply answers.

Fine then, pretty boy. Let's see how you remember this.

"I'll have a quad long shot grande in a venti cup, half calf, double cupped, no sleeve, salted caramel mocha latte with two pumps of vanilla."

Oh, I've definitely made him mad now. 

With a look of pure hatred on his face, he clenches his jaws together and stomps off in the opposite direction with God knows how much memory of the order in his head but before he can go further, I shout for him to stop. I was starting to feel bad for the boy with the long hair flying behind him dramatically. Not to mention, there was no way in hell I'd let that much sugar enter my body.

"Wait!"

He pauses and slowly turns around."I changed my mind. Just a cup of dark coffee will do. No sugar."

Surprisingly, a subtle smirk creeps its way on his lips, throwing a whole new light to his features. "Aren't you gonna tell me to make sure it's darker than your soul?"

Hmph. The little puppy can bite back, after all.

"Nah, that's overused," I say. His eyes scan me from head to toe and then he pivots on his heel, disappearing behind the multiple tools of the counter, probably communicating the order to someone else. It doesn't take long for him to come back once again, his long elegant hand gently picking up the cup of coffee from the tray and putting it on the table.

In that fleeting moment I can make out a messy layout of tattoos; a smiley emoji on his middle finger, four small crosses in the spaces between and a bunch of other symbols I don't recognize. All that, gracefully completed by a gorgeous black flower and a bunch of other patterns wrapped around his forearm. 

How contrasting it was, the way his appearance clashed with his personality. Did I actually know him? I think so.The guy was obviously kind enough not to spill the thing all over my clothes in an act of rebellion and I had to say it was an admirable thing to do considering how far I was pushing his limits. I am almost ready to hold out the olive branch to him.

Almost.

"I thought I said no sugar," I say, noticing the small white pack by the side of the cup."I guessed you would probably change your mind again." he teases, but the displeasure is still quite evident on his face.

Interesting.

"Next time, just make sure to do what I say." I retort, very much aware that I was prolonging the situation more than needed, but I just couldn't help it. I was really enjoying the reactions I got from him every time I pushed his buttons. 

He's practically fuming with anger but still doesn't fall prey to my relentless attacks, instead choosing to walk away like a civilian.

Pity. I wish he'd stayed a little longer.

The coffee is absolutely disgusting. Its bitter aftertaste almost makes me gag. 

This is what happens when you refuse to add sugar to any kind of drink, Jojo. It basically tastes like shit.

I forcefully down the last gulps and rise from my table, leaving a tip for the emo kid even though I'm running low on money. He deserved it after putting up with my bullshit for that long.

The woman staring at me earlier goes wide-eyed when I lift two fingers to the side of my brow, offering her a salute before making my way out of the coffee shop.

 I don't eat lunch that day. Not even dinner. I just stare at the black screen of the turned-off TV, sipping water from my mug like it's the most flavorful thing in the universe and not having the energy to even cry myself to sleep anymore. I do that every night. Cry and cry and cry like there's no tomorrow. It feels relieving somehow— like I've let something off my chest, even though momentarily.

I grab my phone and type down the stupid number anyway. 

2 calories. I write 2 calories for a fucking cup of coffee like it's gonna make a shit ton of difference.

Fucking ridiculous.

I want to sink deeper into this misery, let it consume me whole till there's nothing left, but like a beacon of light, the image of that boy's face emerges into the surface. 

"That guy was cute." I voice the words that have been on my mind all day before falling into a deep dreamless sleep.

~ JUNGKOOK ~

There she was. That girl again.

In all my three years of working here, I'd never encountered someone so rude, shameless and utterly irritating. She's sitting on the same spot from yesterday, looking out the window and throwing casual glances at her phone. She also has the same baggy hoodie and sweats, probably too lazy to even bother change into something else.

 However, what attracts my attention is the bandage wrapped around her hand, a pink hue visible where her knuckles should be. I'd noticed it the first day too, wondering where in the world would she get that kind of wound. She did seem like the type of girl who would get into fights actually, judging from her boyish clothes and brash personality but I wasn't sure if–

Whatever.

It was none of my business and I had work to do, anyway. I couldn't be bothered with the antics of a rebellious teenage girl. The glass I'm wiping almost slips out of my hands. Bold of her to call me a child when she couldn't be more than five feet tall. I wondered if her feet even reached the pedals of her bike.

"Hey Jungkook, you got a customer." Kwan's voice shakes me out of my thoughtful state as he flicks his chin towards the girl.

"Can't you get this one for me?" I grimace."Why? Are you afraid she's gonna bite?"

"Seems like it."

His eyes narrow into slits as he glares at me suspiciously.

"Come on man, just do what I say for once," I insist, not really wanting to deal with her shit for a second time. Kwan raises his palms up in surrender and goes to take the girl's order, but not without mumbling a "kids these days" on his way out.

The girl looks up from her phone upon  Kwan's arrival but then her eyes quickly roam around as if searching for something. They exchange a few words too quietly for me to hear amid the general bustle of the shop, and then my coworker is by my side before I can blink.

 "Nothing to be scared of, Jeon. She just asked for a green tea," Kwan says and grabs a number of items from the counter.

"So, she didn't say anything rude?"

"Nope."

"Not even an insult?"

Kwan tsks with his tongue.

Hmph.

Maybe she just hadn't been in the mood yesterday because there's definitely something different about the way she's just sitting there–

Barbecue sauce on her ti—

A snort accidentally escapes from my lips and I lower my head further to hide the embarrassment of the uninvited thought.

"Something funny?" Kwan asks, looking up from the tea he was brewing. I click my tongue just as he'd done.

 It takes about a minute or so until the order's ready and I note the way the girl's face contorts with each sip of her tea as if someone had actually put a gun to her head to drink that horrendous beverage. She still drains the cup to its dregs, though.

Gets up.

Sways a little.

The hand wrapped in bandages holds onto the table for support and she finally pushes herself up to her feet. A little light-headed, if you ask me.

That confident image I'd created of her yesterday, crumbles into pieces when I observe the vulnerable state she's currently in. I wasn't sure why I was paying much attention to a complete stranger who I would probably never meet again, but I just couldn't stop myself. It was like being pulled into a black hole and finding yourself secretly enjoying it even though your gut tells you that it's wrong. 

It was weird but true.I'd experienced it before.

The brief moment of realization had been enough to make me get lost in my thoughts so I snap my eyes back to the girl's table only to notice that the seat was empty.

She'd left.

~JOJO ~

Discipline. I need to practice discip–

Fuck. Is that a hamburger?

The delicious treat from the glass showcase of a fast-food restaurant winks at me and my mouth waters just by looking at it. When was the last time I ate anything decent? I rack my brains out, calculating the number of calories I'd consumed for the last two days and the only results are an apple, a cup of black coffee, green tea and maybe a tank of water.

Wait!

I did lick that spoon of peanut butter this morning, so in total, 144 calories. Might as well call it a fast for all I care.

My breath quickens with every push of the pedal, thighs burning with the strain. It's been almost three hours since I left the coffee shop and I'm pretty sure the tires of my bike must be deflated from going through every damn corner of the city.

Why would I do that? Because I'm a stupid ass bitch who likes to push herself to her limits and who doesn't know what rest means.

I know I'm going too far. I know it won't be long before all of this comes crashing down on me, sending my progress back to the starting point, but I can't seem to stop. Not when the ecstasy is so overwhelming, filling me up with a fake sense of achievement. This was probably the reason why this disorder was addicting. It made you feel like you had the reins in your hands, not it.

Not her.

Oh, Ana. How much I wanna fucking kill you right now.

It was all her fault, after all. 

No. It wasn't her fault. It was the people's fault.They were the ones that said things. Things that hurt me. And their words didn't affect me directly but they fed my insecurities. 

It was confusing, actually.They said I was fat. I tried and built some muscle by working out.They said I looked too manly with my muscles now. It didn't suit me.I dropped ten pounds starving myself.

What did they want?

What was the right body?

I didn't know anymore.There would always be something not right, not good enough.

I grip the handlebar tighter when the flood of old memories engulfs me without warning, making its appearance like an uninvited guest. I'm not even sure how it all started in the first place because believe it or not, I was the biggest body-positivity enthusiast.

And then suddenly I wasn't.

And then I find out that there's a whole community out there with people just like me but so radical, so different from anything I'd ever seen before. At first, I was outraged, disgusted even, by the naive statements of young girls saying they wanted the thinnest body possible, fantasizing about skin and bones, but as time went by and as I delved deeper and deeper into the swirling vortex of these intoxicating thoughts, I started succumbing to them. They suddenly seemed appealing.

I let out a sigh between heavy breaths.

Did it matter now? Besides, that guy didn't even show up today. Maybe it's his day off or something.

The brilliant rays of the afternoon sun make the glass panes of the cars passing by gleam like a swarm of fireflies.It would've looked pretty if it weren't for the way it made me shield my eyes. I was already having a hard time trying to keep them open as my strength started to run out, the view in front of me doing half–circles and then turning back to its optimal position. My legs feel like lead and I stop pedaling altogether, letting my bike guide me instead.

Tired.

So, so...tired.

A familiar face swims into my line of vision. It's the emo kid. 

And he's....falling?

The handlebar spirals out of my control and my knee hits hard concrete. That face is the last thing I see before a black cloak of darkness swallows me whole 

~JUNGKOOK~

Never in a million years would I have thought  I'd have to carry a random person to the nearest hospital on my way home. Yet here I am, sitting on a chair for the past hour, staring at the girl's chest rise and fall with slow, rhythmic breaths. 

There are fresh bandages wrapped around her scraped knee and multiple bruises all over her body. I'd seen the slightest look of surprise cross her face before her eyes rolled up in her head and she fell off the bike, hitting her head in the process. It had been a chaotic situation, that one. People had kept gathering around, trying to sneak a peek at the accident but still not doing anything to actually help. So I'd taken things to my own hands, done my duty as a normal person would.

Then why are you still here, Jungkook? my logic reasons with me. The doctor said she would be fine so why are you still sitting over here, waiting for her to wake up?

That's right. I should be going.I lean my palms on my knees but before I can fully rise from the chair, the girl's eyes crack open. She takes a look around the room, analyzing her surroundings, and then her eyes stop on my face. 

"Who the fuck are you?" she croaks.

Here we go again... I internally sigh."We met at the coffee shop. Or don't you remember?" I answer, praying for her life not to get my anger rise so fast.

"Right," she says, even though something tells me she had known exactly who I was in the first place. "The fuck are you doing here?"

"I saved your life."

"Why bother?"

"You should be grateful, you know."

"Did I ever ask for your fucking help?"

I had to admit I was slightly taken aback. The girl swore and cursed worse than a sailor. As if on cue, a jumble of profanities spill from her lips as she struggles to sit up, suddenly finding herself tangled in tubes and needles trickling colorless liquid into her veins.

 "Get this shit off of me, " she says and rips the said piece from the inside of her forearm.

"You should keep that for a little longer." I protest, hands already reaching for the needle laying on the sheets but she flinches from my touch and throws a leg across the bed, attempting to get up.

 "Sit down!" I say a little harsher than I intended but it was impossible not to.

Unbelievable.

Her nonchalance and irresponsible behavior made me want to punch her in the face, regardless of her being a girl. At last, she has the dignity to actually do what she's told. "Someone's cranky, " she mumbles as she leans back on the pillow.

 This girl must have a split personality disorder because only two seconds later her legs are crossed comfortably despite the nasty injury on her knee and she's leaning forward with her cheek on her palm, staring intently at me with a curious smile hanging on her lips. 

"You never told me your name, " she says.

"You never asked, " I reply.

She scowls. "Stop trying to play the smartass with me, child and just tell me your fucking name."

"It's Jungkook."

Her eyebrows lift in surprise.

"I know, it rolls off your tongue, doesn't it?" I tease.

"Actually, it sounds like a chicken dying, but okay."

My lips twitch in amusement, trying to suppress the silly smile demanding to make an appearance.

"To be honest, I'm kinda disappointed, " she continues. "I was expecting something more special, like Sebastian or Gabriel or something." She scratches her chin while her eyes still stay rooted on my face. "You know what, imma call you Juan. Yeah, Juan's better. Got that Latino vibe to it."

Her never-ending shenanigans were pure torture so I decide to turn the tables for a change. "And what is your name?" I ask.

For once, she doesn't try to make fun of me. "Jojo."

Cute.

"It fits you."

Her eyebrows scrunch themselves together as she carefully observes me. "Hmmm....Anyway–" She crawls to the side of the bed and grimaces when her left foot leans on the floor. "Thanks for spending your precious time with me, Juan but now I gotta blast."

"Miss, I'm gonna have to ask you to sit down, please," another voice is heard and the doctor I'd talked to earlier steps into the room. He stares the girl, Jojo I remind myself, down but she doesn't relent, staring right back with the same intensity.

"I'm perfectly fine—"

"Your blood sugar levels are at their lowest point, that wound on your knee needs to be changed continuously or else you'll get an infection and you might have a concussion from the way you hit your head. I'm surprised you're still even talking."

There's a slight tremor in her pupils, which I 'm pretty sure is caused by the panicked state she's trying to hide. She plasters a smile on her face. "Come on now, Doc. I'm sure you can let me off this one time. The fact that I'm still talking proves I'm better, right?"

"Miss—"

"I'll accompany her, " I blurt without thinking and both of them snap their heads in my direction. No turning back now. "I'll make sure she gets home safely," I assure him.

"I don't need your—" Jojo starts, but her words falter when she meets the doctor's glare. "I mean... sure, why not?"

The doctor seems satisfied enough as he turns on his heel without a moment's hesitation. However, he hasn't even made it past the threshold when he pauses, turns halfway around and looks at her dead in the eye. "And by the way, miss. You should eat something. Your heart's gonna fail at this rate."

I could have sworn I saw something flash behind her eyes but she doesn't show it, choosing to keep that sad smile on her face like an anchor linking her to sanity.

"Son of a bitch." I hear her mumble under her breath.

~JOJO~

Son of a bitch I repeat in my head over and over again till the words start to sound foreign to my ears, suddenly losing their meaning. 

That damn doctor just had to point out the fact that I hadn't eaten anything for the last couple of days. He was right, of course, but that didn't stop me from mentally sending a series of curses his way.

I have never felt so shitty in my life. Both physically and mentally. My head feels like it's going to split in half, the stinging of the wound on my knee is crying like a bitch and there's not an ounce of strength left in me. 

Powerless. 

And if that wasn't enough, Juan's endless questions only add to my misery.

"For the last time, no, I don't live with my parents," I say for what felt like the gazillionth time, still refusing the hand he kept offering my way. I might be on the verge of collapsing but under no circumstances was I to let myself be held like a damsel in distress. 

Nuh-uh.That's a line you can't cross, mister.

"That sounds kinda hard to believe," Juan says and sticks his rejected hand back in his pocket, probably to get rid of the awkwardness.

"Bitch, I don't need your approval to say something. If you don't want to believe me, fine. Suit yourself. "

His shiny black hair glints in the darkness, catching the beams of moonlight as he flicks it away from his face. "How can I be a bitch? I'm a male." he retorts.

"Oh, I'm sorry. Man whore." I reply, putting a clear emphasis on the last syllable. 

He scowls, seeming genuinely offended by my words, especially when he says " Swearing is rude, you know."

"You know what else is rude? Asking people too many questions."

"But can you blame me, though? I mean you pretty much look like a high-schooler who ran away from home."

I stop dead in my tracks. "You have a strong sense of guessing."

He blinks. "Wait. You're  really a high-schooler who ran away from home?"

I resume my walking, using the concrete wall on the side of the road for support. "For your information, I did finish high-school so suck on that."

"But you still ran away from home, right?" he insists.

"Oh for fuck's sake— yes, I did run away from home. Are you happy now?"

The blank look on his face, combined with the slight shrug of his shoulders almost causes me to snort. "Cool, " he says, unbothered."Aren't you gonna ask why I did it?"

"Not interested, " he states and looks straight ahead, completely ignoring my presence."Liar. I can see that you're one of those assholes who are dead-curious about everything."

"Am not!" he whirls on me.

I scrunch my nose and sniff the air around me like a wild dog hunting on its prey. "You smell that?" I ask him.

"What?"

"Smells like bullshit to me."

Even in the darkness, I can see the dramatic roll of his eyes, causing their whites to stand out. He had pretty big eyes, this guy. They softened that edgy aura he gave off, all muscles, tattoos, and black clothes. And the fact that he tolerated my irritating behavior, which I was deeply aware of, made him look even more appealing to my eyes. 

"Why did you volunteer to take me home, Juan?" I quietly ask, glancing at him through the corner of my vision.

He seems to mull the question over in his head for a moment, eyes staring his shoes down. "I don't know. You seemed like you needed some help." He throws a look at me. "Which by the way, is still valid. You look like hell."

For some reason, that makes me retract my hands from the wall and I try to keep myself stable on my own two feet, limping heavily on the process. 

"What exactly happened with your bike?" he continues, unaware of my recent action.

"I was busy stalking hot guys all day, so my bike got tired. Guess she just couldn't handle it anymore." 

The boy doesn't seem to fall for any of my lies, narrowing his eyes till their nothing but slits. "Do you tend to not eat when you stalk hot guys?"

This little shit...

"Nah, it's just that I'm so fucking forgetful." I immediately reply. "I forget to eat all the time.

"He doesn't relent, still boring holes into my eyes. 

"Hey, what's with all the questions, anyway? I thought you said you were not interested?" I repeat his own words.

"Right, " he admits.

My apartment building comes into view, the looming structure now as familiar as the back of my hand. "We're here, " I announce. My eyebrows raise in wonder as his legs keep heading for the entrance of the building instead of pausing.

 "Where are you going?" I ask.

"To your apartment, obviously."

"What the fuck makes you think you can come to my apartment, boy?" I did not want him to see anything personal of mine, yet for some strange reason, I found myself hoping he would stick around a little longer. A little controversial, considering the fact that my words proved otherwise, but I couldn't just say that to him, could I? Like, hey, kid you're nice. Let's have a little chat before you go. 

Ridiculous.

"I'll just escort you to the door, " he assures.

"No need for that."

"But what if you fall down the stairs?" he insists.

"You got me there." I punch in the code at the main entrance and hurry up the stairs as much as my limp would let me, Jungkook's eyes never leaving me for a second. After what felt like an eternity, I grunt  heavily and lean on the doorstep of my humble apartment. "Okay, you've done your service, soldier. You're free to go now."

Jungkook throws a quick glance at my mustard-colored door, probably weirded out by it but then his eyes flick to my empty hands. "Where's your keys?" he wonders.

My mouth gapes open and my eyes go the size of tennis balls as I frantically pat my pockets. When I notice the way Jungkook's lips part slightly, I burst into hysterical laughter, jiggling the retrieved keys in front of his face. "You should've seen your face!" I laugh. "Hilarious."

He exhales, relieved. "I thought you'd lost them."

"Nah, Juan. I forget a lot of things but not my keys. Besides, these bitches stick up my ass like fucking glue." 

The door's lock clicks with a flick of my wrist but I resist the usual temptation of kicking it wide open, in fear of letting emo-kid sneak a peek. It's not like I was embarrassed of the mess in my apartment or anything like that but it felt weirdly intimate to let someone else get a glimpse of my domestic life. In fact, I hadn't invited anyone over since...

Yes, it had been that long. 

Jungkook notices my reluctance and clears his throat. "So...um...you're all good now, so I better leave. You should–you should take care of your wound."

How weird to see an overgrown, muscular dude stutter and not know what to do with his hands. I usually didn't have the tendency of stereotyping but this definitely struck me as odd. 

I smirk. "Getting shy, Juan?"

He almost flinches at my words. " What? No!"

"Are you waiting for a thanks then?"

A stray hair falls in front of his eyes but he doesn't move it away from his face. "That's not something you ask from people."

I bite my tongue and try not to let the pain on my leg get to me as I squeeze into the room through a thin sliver of space. Still, his words bring a smile to my face and as much as I try to suppress it, it just keeps floating on the surface again. "I'm not an asshole, Juan. So thanks."

"Actually, you refused to say thanks from the start—"

"Okay, now you ruined it," I interrupt. "Get outta here."

He slowly starts to back off and his lips stretch into a barely contained smile. "Good night, Jojo." And then just like that, he's climbing down the stairs with his long legs taking two or three steps at a time.

I shut the door and lean on it for a moment, sighing deeply through my nose.

"Little shit, " I whisper. 

Rise and shine.

That's exactly what my alarm tune doesn't say. Even after so much time hearing it pierce my ears every single morning with its shrill screech, I can never stop myself from wanting to smash the damn thing into pieces. However, that's the only thing that can actually get my ass up from the bed. All the other gentle-sounding melodies had proven to be absolute failures, dragging me even further into the sweet crevices of sleep. 

The numerous late arrivals to work had made me suffer more shouts and scoldings than I could remember from my boss. The guy was a total dick. Good thing I don't work there anymore.

My room is still coated in patches of darkness here and there, the bright rays of the morning sun nowhere to be seen. It is about 5:30, an unholy time to wake up, but since I was now unemployed, I had made an oath to force myself every day into going for a run outside. 

There was no overwhelming hustle and bustle, no moving crowds of people. The city had yet to rise from its slumber and the only activity on sight included slow, quiet movements of passers-by.

I finally kick the blanket off and swing my legs over the bed. The cold surface of the floor awakens my senses as I prepare to go over the usual ritual: Stretch, pee, step on the scale. 

The number has slightly changed from yesterday but not to the point where I want it to. A wave of disappointment washes over me. It happens every day yet I can never get used to it.

I decide to go easy on the breakfast. A cold glass of water, an apple, and a boiled egg. 

I probably should've thought about putting some pants on first, I say to myself as a crumb of egg yolk smears my bare thigh. I use the pad of my finger to wipe it off and cringe intensely. These thick bitches turned three sizes wider when sitting down and it only spurred on my body dysmorphia.

Disgusting.

Not forgetting about my daily dose of green tea, I hurry up before the sun rises and put some sports clothes on, which wasn't really that hard since they were the only thing in my closet. I shut the door behind me but it feels like something is nagging the back of my mind, demanding my attention. 

Did I forget anything?

I rack my brains out in search of a clue but nothing makes it into the surface. 

This stupid obsession...

Making sure my shoelaces are tightly secured and my earphones plugged in, I climb down the stairs and burst out of the entrance of the building. I welcome the sharp sting of fresh air that fills my lungs with a deep breath and waste no time to sprint into a run, the loud music already blasting my ears in full force.The wound on my knee does not approve of this but I don't give two shits. It can cry like a bitch for all I care.

It's easy at first, obviously. Your body is rested and unspent so you relish those twenty minutes with pure adrenaline flowing through your veins. But then, the run takes its toll on you. It's unavoidable.

The sky switches from dark blue to a pastel pink, announcing the official start of the day and reminding me of my tiresome condition. I'm panting like an asthmatic by now and my clothes stick uncomfortably with sweat so I slow into a light jog. The sting on my knee grows stronger and stronger til I can barely stand it. The clean sidewalk grows hard under my feet and it's all I can do not to faint from exhaustion. Running tires you out? Try running with not enough food in your system.

I scan my surroundings in an attempt to distract myself from the fatigue. A few trees lining up the street, a grey car hurrying to God knows where, hair—

Wait, what?

I redirect my eyes to the spot I was staring at and notice a mop of dark hair swinging wildly. The body they belong to is in fast-motion, arms shifting from side to side as the legs make long, speeding strides.

No fucking way. I guess it's not such a bad day after all.

I smirk as I gain speed, now heading straight  towards the boy with newfound strength. As I maneuver from side to side with a few random strangers, I can't help but stare at the way his sweatpants hug every curve of his butt. He had a nice butt, this guy. I'm kinda jealous. And as if that wasn't enough, the material of his loose T-shirt  turns darker from the collar down to his back, marking a trail of sweat. He'd ran just as hard from what I could see.

The music in my earphones dies out as I quickly catch up to him and slip by his side, matching his constant rhythm. He doesn't notice at first, but after the numerous glances I throw from the corner of my eye, he finally flinches and stops abruptly. "Jojo?"

His hair is completely drenched in sweat. The dark strands form wet tendrils on his forehead and numerous trails that drip from  his temples and down to his chin. He almost rips his earbuds  off and I have to say I feel slightly endeared. As a person who preferred not to be disturbed while listening to music, I could appreciate the fact that he removed them in the blink of an eye. If a person does that, he respects you. Simple as that.

 He gives me a look of mild curiosity, which for a surprise makes him look ten times hotter. I also slow down to a stop as a smile tugs at the edges of my lips. "Oh, hey Juan! Didn't see you there."

He looks behind his back for good measure and turns to stare at me. "Are you stalking me?"

I scoff in feigned annoyance. "What the fuck? Am I not allowed to go for a run now? Do you own these streets or something?"

"No, but—"

"Hey, hey, " I quickly interrupt him. "Less chatting, more running."

I will my feet to start moving again and he immediately catches up. "So...how are you feeling?"

"Tired, " I reply.

"I meant from last night."

Well that's a surprise. I didn't think he would remember it, let alone be worried about my condition. "Oh. I'm fine. It's nothing, really, " I wave a dismissive hand.

He stares at me for a moment too long before turning his head straight. "That's good."

After that, neither me nor him try to elaborate on the topic. For some moments, the only thing heard is our combined panting and heavy breathing and it doesn't do much to tame my wild brain from going places. I push the dirty thoughts aside for later reference and give my head a slight tilt to peek at him."Tell me more about yourself, Juan."

"What do you wanna know?" he asks without looking.

"Everything."

He laughs delightedly. "Ok but you're gonna have to ask me questions, though. I don't know where to start."

"Perfect. Where do you live?"

His neck does a ninety-degree turn with such a lightning speed that I'm scared he broke a bone or two. "I knew you were stalking me!" he exclaims as if he had made a scientific discovery.

I smack my lips impatiently. "Just answer the damn question!"

"Two blocks from here."

"That means the coffee shop is close to your house, right?"

"I live in an apartment, " he adds and gives a curt nod before his attention is back to me. "Okay, my turn now. Did you ever go to college?"

Not this shit again. If I hadn't been attracted to his ridiculously good looks, he would be rubbing at a sore spot in between his eyeballs. "Goodness, child. You really are stubborn."

"Hey, it's only fair if you keep asking me questions, " he protests and instead of angering me, the harmless expression turns my insides into jelly. I was finding it hard to keep up with the constant appearances of his duality. It was weird. I barely knew this guy and I still told him things so strictly personal that I'd never thought I'd say out loud. 

" I dropped out of college after the first year. Couldn't afford it."

And just like that, the jolly, playful countenance disappears to be replaced by a darker one. "I'm sorry."

"Don't be."

"I dropped too, " he continues. " Guess studies weren't exactly my thing."

"Oh wow. We have so much in common."

A pause.

"Where's your family?"

I was starting to think this kid was more interested in my personal life than me as a person. "Back home."

He doesn't say anything, waiting for me to explain further and unfortunately, I fall prey to his puppy eyes staring at me intently. An uncomfortable ball of imaginary yarn settles at the base of my throat. I try to gulp it down while fighting to keep the slight tremble in my voice from showing.  " They...did some things to me. Bad things. I'm never going back."

He notices my discomfort, bless his soul, and decides to drop it. "My parents live far from here and I don't visit them as much. So yeah, that sucks."

His poor attempt at sympathizing with me makes my lips crack into a subtle grin. "Are all parents bad or are we just awful teenagers?"

"Both, I guess, " he chuckles.

Just when I assume the twenty-one question game has finally come to an end, he proves me wrong for the bazillionth time. "Is there anyone you hang out, at least?"

"You, " I answer.

His eyes widen twice their original size and I laugh through my nose. "Just kidding. I have a friend called Anna. Such a nice, caring and sweet girl." My lips twitch on the side to impersonate a somber smile but I had the feeling it looked like I was having a nervous tick. "She's to die for."

Time is cruel to us, swallowing up each patch of daylight until the sky has turned into the purest baby blue and let the rays of sunlight fall astray into our poor backs. The heat and the exhaustion makes us slow our pace. Then, suddenly a sharp pain stabs me across my knee and I wince discreetly.

"Do you go to work?" Juan asks, oblivious to my current torture.

"No, I quit, " I say, refusing to admit that the reason for that hadn't really been my choice. "Why'd you ask?"

"Well, it's just that—" He abruptly stops and his eyes shift their attention to my legs, staring hard at them.

"What?" 

"You're bleeding, " he states, matter of factly.

I snap my head down and take note of the way my knee is soaked in a dark red stain, slowly webbing its tendrils along the fabric."Aw shit, " I curse under my breath.

"You need to go to the hospital, " Jungkook quickly intervenes before a long string of profanities can spill over my lips.

"No. No more hospitals. I'll just go home and put some fresh bandages on it."

"Okay, well let me come with you."

I take a step back and shake my head from side to side. "For the last time, I don't need your help, Juan. Here are my key—" I frantically fish my pockets but they're completely empty, save for that stupid paper towel that I had somehow forgotten there. "Fuck no! Fuck no!"

Juan's brow bunches up in distress as his judging eyes give me a hard stare. "You already made that joke once."

"I'm not joking around, you idiot!" I snap, probably a bit too harsh but the panic seems to have gotten under my skin for me to care at this point. "I forgot my keys!"

So, that's what kept nagging me in the morning. I mentally slap myself for being such a careless mess and vow to not make the same mistake again.

"Let's go to the hospital, " Juan calmly repeats, seemingly unaffected by my sudden burst of anger. I wonder if he was hiding his hurt on the inside. If that was true, I'd have to give him a round of applause because he was sure doing a hell of a good job.

"No."

"Do you want to bleed to death?" This time he can't help the hint of anger from seeping into his voice.

I say nothing.

"If you don't want to go to the hospital then come with me back at my place. I have some bandages too."

"Absolutely not!" I protest, outraged. If this kept going on, we would end up at each other's throats.

"Look, it's either that or the hospital. You pick." 

Shit. He had me cornered. Well, what was I to say? I liked hanging out with him but I also didn't want him to see me in such a vulnerable state and make me feel indebted to him. It had already happened once and I hadn't liked it not even one bit. "I can't just come at your place, " I say with a lilt of playfulness in my voice. My figure was already frayed at the edges and he was quick to catch sight of it. "What if you're a murdering psychopath in disguise?"

He smiles in earnest, as if I'd just told him he was the nicest guy on the planet. "Then you can always stab me with a kitchen knife."

This was wrong. This was so wrong. I couldn't just go to his house, dammit. I was letting my guard down way too much. No way I was doing this.

"Fine, " I finally surrender and wish I'd bitten my tongue in time before the word made it past my lips.

~ JUNGKOOK ~

By the time we get to my apartment, the sun has already reached its highest peak in the horizon and the powerfully bright rays start to make me feel a bit wobbly.

I had offered Jojo to at least hold on to me but she seemed hellbent on making it by herself. I could see how much the wound was hurting her, yet she refused to let any emotion whatsoever show on her face.

I open the door unceremoniously and pause to let her in first. She carefully shuffles her steps with a heavy limp weighing her down but I could see that she was still having second thoughts on whether to enter a complete stranger's apartment or not. As soon as she passes the threshold, I release a sigh I didn't realize I'd been holding.

Her head starts turning from side to side, scanning the interiors of the living room. I suddenly feel self-conscious. Is the place messy? Did I forget to put my socks on the laundry basket? I was worried she would shy away and leave altogether. 

"Nice place you got here, " Jojo says with a whistle.

I unconsciously smile but it fades away the moment she plops down onto the couch, ignoring the still-fresh wound on her knee. She even has the audacity to swing her leg over the edge and let it dangle there. So much for shying away.

"I'll go get the bandages, " I announce and retreat into the bathroom, keeping an eye on her from the way back. She gives me a salute before going back to studying the walls with curious eyes.

I hurry up and lock myself up in the bathroom and immediately, the sight of my disheveled look greets me in the mirror. My hair is wild, some strands clinging with sweat onto my temples and some flailing in the air like unmowed grass. My skin glistens with a fine sheen of wetness that makes me itch with discomfort and there's a pink blush settled on my nose and cheekbones. Did I really look like this all morning?

I let the water of the faucet run under my hands and give my face a quick splash. Why am I so nervous, dammit? It's just a girl. I really need to get a hold of myself. The image of her face reminds me of the reason I came here in the first place. I hurriedly grab the bandages from the counter along with some alcohol, cotton pads and a towel.

I take a deep breath and return to the living room with a forced air of nonchalance. "I got the—" I announce but the words falter when I see the empty couch. Where the hell did she go?

"You have very good-looking parents. No wonder where you got the genes, " her voice is heard from the other side of the room and I see her standing by one of the shelves, examining the tiny picture of my mom and dad, smiling at each other while my older brother cuddles my dog's white fur.

"Uh..thanks, " I manage as I scratch my neck.

At this, she turns around and finally looks at me. "Nothing to be shy about, Juan. You're handsome. You don't need glasses to see that."

"I—"

"Alright, are you gonna give me those or not?" she questions with a sly smile, pointing her chin towards the items in my hands and I internally curse from the distraction. Oh, she really did enjoy toying around with me. 

I prevent myself from stuttering another word and slowly approach her. She grabs the things from my hands and sits on the couch yet again. Her condition was no better than mine. A single drop of sweat slides from the side of her cheek and travels down her neck in an excruciating slow motion. Her complexion had turned ruddy and her hair stuck to her edges with perspiration. How she had managed to run so hard in that state was beyond me.

I silently hand her the towel first. "Dab your neck with this before you catch a cold."

 She looks at me with a slight tilt of her head but accepts it nonetheless, mumbling a "dab on them haters" under her breath. 

"What about you?" she asks aloud. "You're literally dripping." As if summoned, another drop of sweat free-falls from my chin and onto the floor.

"It's okay. I'll be fine, " I quickly reply.

"Well aren't you a tough cookie?" she giggles. "Get it? Tough? Kookie? Jungkookie?"

I almost snort. And as if that wasn't enough, the nickname she used made this weird sensation creep onto my stomach.

After she's done drying her skin, she crouches down to take a look at the wound that still kept trickling blood. Her careful fingers roll the dirtied bandage around her knee to reveal such a nasty sight, I almost gasp in surprise. The blood had smeared the skin around the edges and on its center there's a blackish liquid that looks like anything but blood.

"Oh shit, " she whispers, obviously not expecting the wound to be in such a degree. I move forward with worry in my trembling form but she's quick to stop me."No, it's okay. I got it."

"But it looks really ba-"

"Thanks Juan, but I said I can handle it."

I silently get back and let her do the work herself. She seemed so used to this process, as if she had done it countless of times before. Her hands are quick and agile, snatching the alcohol and cotton pads and then proceeding to wrap brand new bandages around her knee. Not a single hiss or whine falls from her lips. After she successfully finishes, she lifts her head to gift me a charming innocent smile. As if she hadn't just split her knee open. This girl...

After that, the room falls into an awkward silence so I keep looking everywhere else but her. "Do you want something to drink?" I offer.

"Once a waiter, always a waiter, " she sighs while scratching her forehead. 

"Okay, what do you have?"

"Let me check," I announce and head to the fridge without another word. I examine the contents within and yell from across the room. "Um... coke?" "I don't do drugs, " she yells back.

"As in the drink, Jojo."

"Oh. What kind?"

"The regular one."

"No diet coke?"

"No. Sorry."

"Okay, just get me a glass of water."

I come back with the glass and hesitate a split second before handing it to her. 

"I really like your place, Juan," she says after a tiny sip. "Its so....you."

A discouraged laugh escapes from me. "You don't even know me."

"Says who? I'm excellent at knowing people's personalities on first sight, " she continues after another sip.

"What about you then?" I suddenly ask.

"My place or my personality?"

"Both."

She considers it a moment before answering. "Well, both suck compared to you. Especially my apartment, Juan. You wouldn't believe the fucking mess I make all the time."

She sounded nonchalant about the matter but I could sense the discomfort behind the words. She was having it harder than she let on.

"What are you gonna do from now on?" I ask, careful not to sound intrusive. "You lost your job right? How are you gonna pay your rent?

She plasters a smile on her face. "I'll figure something out." 

Before I can push it further with my vast myriad of questions, she rises from the couch and sets  the glass on the table. " Well, I better go now. Thanks for the help, Juan. I'll see you around."

I watch with frozen limbs as she makes her way towards the door with that tilt on her step and wonder if I really was crazy after the next words I hear coming out of my mouth.

"Wait!"

She slowly turns around and gives me a curious look.

"I have a proposal, " I say before I can regret it.

She grins in response. "Thanks but I'm too young to get married."

"No, not that. I was wondering... I mean if you want to...." I've never felt more nervous in my life. My words keep stumbling into one another and I can barely keep the the inexplicable stutter out of my voice. "You can—you can work at the coffee shop with me. I can convince my boss to get you the job."

She smiles and pivots on her heel. " Yeah, right."

"Hey, I'm serious."

"Forget it, " she says without turning around.

"Why forget it? Aren't you struggling?"

For a moment it seems like I've caught her attention. She pauses in her steps and slowly turns around until she's completely facing me. There are no more hints of smiles or amusement. Just a blank expression that for some reason looks sadder than anything else. "I don't want your pity."

"Its not pity, " I protest. "We've been short of staff anyway and you need a job. It's a win-win for both of us."

She takes a deep breath and lets it out just as harshly. "Why are you doing this, Juan? The hospital and the bandages and everything... Why are you helping me?"

"I like helping people, " I simply reply.

"Some people don't like to be helped."

"Well, if you think that, you're an idiot!" I snap as a pinch of anger sneaks into my voice.

She raises an eyebrow.

"Look, " I continue. "I don't know if I've done something wrong or if you just don't like people in general. I was just trying to help. If you don't want it, the door's right there."

Okay, now I really fucked up. I'd never been so straight-forward to someone before but it was like her sharp jabs had forced the harsh words right out of my mouth. Sometimes, the frustration overwhelmed me to the point I couldn't tell right from wrong.

She's frozen in her spot, wide eyes staring at me in a mix of shock and wonder. But then, her eyes slowly drag along my body, giving me a once-over before setting on my face. Her lips crack into a lopsided grin that was anything but innocent. "I like you, Juan, " she says and heads for the door before pausing on the threshold.  "And I'll think about your offer."

The door closes shut behind her and just like that, she's gone.  

~ JOJO ~

There's no way I'm doing this, I say to myself as I take a hot shower. No fucking way, I repeat as I get dressed and tighten my shoelaces. I felt like a mere sheep heading to meet the butcher's axe. But the sheep was making this choice herself. She was willing. 

I was afraid the boy had put a spell on me. I'd never been so weak-hearted and obedient to someone's  requests. Here I was, going to that cursed coffee shop even after all the fights with Anna last night. She kept persuading me to stay inside, lock myself up in my room and not talk to anyone for the next week or so. She'd never been the social type, the bitch.

Most people said it was like a voice in your head urging you to do whatever it wanted, but that was not the case at all. If the concept of Ana was that unrealistic it wouldn't be so hard to label it as just another link into the shackles of mental disturbances but the thing was, there was that doubt that made you hesitate on whether these were actually your thoughts that made you behave this way or something actually real and tangible. The feeling of something not claiming its existence but still lingering like a shadow on your every step.Is it me or her?Who said that?

I shake my head violently to clear my thoughts as I find myself in front of the shop's entrance.The floor seems to wobble beneath my feet and I doubted whether it was just because of the fact that my stomach had crumpled in itself like a sheet of paper.

I clear my throat loudly to capture the attention of the man hunched on the counter.He slowly lifts his head as an automatic smile appears on his face. “Yes?"

I steady my posture. "I'm looking for someone named Jungkook. He works here."

His eyebrows almost touch his hairline but he's quick to recollect himself. "Oh, sure. He's in the back fixing some stuff. I'll go get him for you."

He disappears behind a door and comes back two seconds later with the reason of my sleepless nights by his side. 

"You're here!" Jungkook exclaims, a little too loud for my liking. He seemed slightly surprised, as if he hadn't thought I would actually come. Couldn't blame the guy. There were times when traces of bipolarism would make it hard for people to understand what I actually meant.

Jungkook's open-lipped smile is almost contagious. He tramples his way forward and stops just an inch further, towering over me.The all-black outfit was present even today but this time an apron adorns his slim waist.

"I am, " I simply add.

"Oh, I almost forgot. This is Kwan, " he says as he gestures toward the smiley man. "We've been working together since I can remember."

I flick my eyes to the latter and nod a salute at him. "You should've called this place 'Juan and Kwan'. Quite catchy, if you ask me."

The man named Kwan chuckles. "She's funny. Where did you find her, Jungkook?"

"Oh, I'm the one who found him, " I intervene. "Besides, we've met before. I'm the green tea girl."

His eyes slightly widen with a sense of realization as he nods along. Ironically enough, my stomach whines so loudly to the point where even Jungkook hears it. He points a finger at it. "You really need to shut that thing up."

I look down to my stomach and talk to it as if it were a real person. "Hey thing, shut up. Juan doesn't like the way you sound."

"Did you even eat anything on the way here? There are some cupcakes if you want, " Jungkook insists with the tone of a concerned mother.

"I'm not hungry, Juan. Must be uhh... my seven month-old baby."

Jungkook shakes his head in surrender and asks for me to follow him behind the same room he came from. My nervousness raises tenfold as a bunch of unpleasant thoughts immediately rush into my brain. If I didn't get this job, I could say goodbye to normalcy. I would fall down the hole dug by my own hands and never come back out. All the hard work of these past months out in the trash.

"Don't worry, " Jungkook reassures. "You'll do great."

~ JUNGKOOK ~

She was bursting with joy. It was like her face had been washed in the late afternoon sunlight, illuminating its every corner. She wasn't ridiculously beautiful or anything like that but there was something so captivating about watching that smile brighten up her features like a glorious sunrise, I could barely keep myself from staring.

However, one thing I learned about her was that she really knew how to celebrate. Her hands are struggling to hold all the groceries she'd gotten at the supermarket. Well...if you could call them groceries. All I could see were tons of candies and deserts and all sorts of sugary stuff able to furnish a dozen sweet-toothed five year-olds.

 But the thing that baffled me the most is that she'd invited me at her place to thank me for the new job. I thought after all the fights she'd put up to keep me far and away she wouldn't give in so easily. Guess I'd been wrong.

"I thought you said you weren't hungry. " I watch her chew on a chocolate-covered donut that gave me diabetes just by looking at it.

"If there's one thing you need to know about me, Juan, is that I change my mind way too often, " she mumbles in between mouthfuls.

"Yeah I can see that, " I add.

"Hey, shut up now, will you? We need to celebrate!"

"By eating trash?"

"They say you are what you eat, " she replies.

I angrily grab the grocery bags from her hands and let her lead the way to her apartment. "Don't call yourself that. "

The jokes she constantly jabbed could be hilarious to someone else but they just did not sit well with me. I only found them as extremely self-deprecating and dark. It was the go-to type of thing for the depressed and people were so used to normalizing them, it was hard to point it out from time to time.

Her mouth pauses chewing as she gives me a hard but harmless stare.  "Fuck, don't do that to me."

"Do what?" 

The deep sigh she lets out through her nose tickles my eyelashes. She stops in front of the door and leans her back on it. "You keep being nice even when I annoy you."

"You don't annoy me, " I say quietly.

"Yes I do. I annoy everyone." Another sigh. "You know, Juan, all my life I've been treated like a joke. Yeah, I joke around a lot so I'll get joked at. Understandable. But like, no one has treated me the way you do before. You listen to what I have to say and give me honest answers and most importantly, you are serious when you need to be."

"Isn't that how everyone is supposed to be?"

"No. If I told someone I'm feeling sad they'll laugh at my face 'cause they think I don't have the right to feel anything."

"Well, fuck them, " I snap.

Her jaw almost drops to the floor. "Woah! I've never heard you swear before. That was low-key hot. Do it again."

I scratch the back of my head in discomfort and fumble with the edge of my T-shirt. Out of all the things she could've said..."Um...shit?"

The disappointment washes over her face as she scoffs and shakes her head disapprovingly. "Fucking rookie".

It is quiet for a few moments, save for the slight creak of the yellow door opening wide enough to finally offer me a front seat view of her apartment. I'd been strangely curious about what it would look like, eager to get to know more about where she lived, where she slept, what things the was interested in and no matter the weird turn my thoughts had taken I couldn't help but crave for more.

She lets me pass the threshold and takes the grocery bags from me to put them on the kitchen counter. The place reeked of lemons, their acrid stench filling the air to the point where it made my nose itch. I spot a few loose skins and other remnants by the table.Except for that, everything looked pretty much normal. Plain and bare of excessive decorations but I could see that she'd made efforts into putting her own preferences out in the open, littering the walls and ceiling. She liked minimalism, I could see.

"Did you throw a lemonade party last night?" I ask with the tiniest bit of chuckle tumbling from my mouth.

Her eyes flick to the evidence and I sense something I'd never witnessed so boldly in them before. Panic. "Oh, t-that..." she nervously stutters but it's gone in a blink as she quickly gains her composure. "Just an experiment. I love science." I hum in agreement and eye the couch on my right. "Can I sit?"

"Yeah, yeah sure. Make yourself at home. But I have to warn you there's nothing on the fridge so you're left with these, " she says, giving the sweet goodies a single heave.

"Oreos, please." I stretch my hand across and a huge grin pulls at the edges of her lips. 

We spend the next few minutes sitting in silence, munching cavities away like they were our last meal. It was surprising to say that it did not for a moment feel weird nor awkward. We barely knew each other and yet we seemed like two old pals seeking comfort into each other's presence.

"My place sucks, doesn't it?" she suddenly asks.

"Not really, " I reply. "I think it's pretty."

A confused frown appears on her face as she keeps munching on a chocolate bar. "How come?"

"Well, beauty is subjective, Jojo. What looks pretty in my eyes may not be the same for you."

"Deep words for a teenager, " she mumbles.

"Look who's talking."

"Yeah, yeah..." She waves her hand dismissively but I don't miss the tiny smirk hidden in her cheeks.

The grocery bags start to slowly empty. I was worried she was gonna make herself sick with all the sugar already flowing in her body. 

She suddenly gets up and stretches, reaching with the tips of her fingertips up to the ceiling. Her hoodie rides up and I almost gasp in surprise. There are several marks littering the thin stripe of exposed skin, some dark, some purple and some turning yellowish. They made such a stark contrast with the pale white complexion that didn't exactly match the tone of her face. She'd obviously never worn anything too revealing, the sun rays far from tanning the skin. Before I can gawk my eyes out, it's gone in an instant when the hoodie falls back in place. 

"This shit's addicting, " she says pointing at the leftovers on the table.

I could only wonder if she really had more problems than she let on. From what I'd gathered, she'd subtly admitted to being a victim of domestic abuse but that was a long time ago, wasn't it? Why were there still fresh scars on her body? As if to add on to my assumption I take notice of her bandaged hand.

"Where's that friend you mentioned?" I ask. "Was it Annie...Ann?"

Her eyes flick back to mine. "You mean Anna? She's always here for some reason. I consider more like family, to be honest. Never leaves my side. Just not today." 

There was something fishy about the way Jojo's eyes turned glassy and distant every time she mentioned her friend. It kept rubbing me the wrong way.

I ask her to use the restroom and she shows me the way in a few curt gestures. As soon as I get inside, I am met with my distorted reflection on the mirror. A huge web blossomed into the side. Someone had cracked it, that part was fairly obvious. 

What the hell was wrong this girl?

I wash my hands mindlessly and return to the living room. Jojo sits on the couch, man-spreading like a fourty-year old man on his second divorce. She winces once or twice and exhales through her nose. " I think I ate too much, " she whines.

"You think?"

"It's all your fault. You're the one who convinced me to eat, " she accuses.

"Well, I certainly didn't tell you to eat junk." I join her on the couch from a fair distance as she sulks away the nausea.

"What happened to your mirror?" I softly ask.

"I punched it, " she answers without looking.

"Why?"

"There was a fly on it and it kept buzzing while I was taking a shit."

I didn't believe that for a second but I nod my head nonetheless. From that moment on, she only adds to the dark jokes and I pretend to fall for them. All until the moment I require permission to leave with the excuse of having to work again tomorrow.

 I can't deny the sick, empty feeling at the pit of my stomach when I watch her follow me with her sad stare as I leave the apartment .

~ JUNGKOOK ~

The days go by smoothly. It took a while for Jojo to get the hand of it, but soon enough, the orders look like mere tools in her hands, bending to her will. Thank goodness, she had the conscience not to lash out at rude customers even though I could see how hard she strained the muscles of her forearms by her sides. She was the first to arrive and the last to leave the coffee shop. All that and she still kept to her strict schedule, running every day at the crack of dawn. Every single day. Even I didn't work out that much.

I had to admit that my interest for her kept increasing more and more with every new detail I noticed. I was intrigued to find out more about her and I strangely found myself being pulled to her presence like a magnet. We'd continued our shared runs and conversations on each other's apartments more often than I remembered but there was still no progress on our status. Well, I once called her my friend and she didn't object to it so that must be a start.

"Well, someone's got a new crush."

I rip my eyes off Jojo's figure and come face to face with Kwan's amused stare. "What?"

"You like her, don't you?" Kwan teases further.

I sigh deeply and put my apron on the counter, ready for my lunch break. "I don't know, honestly, " I admit. "I'm not sure what it is, exactly."

"Listen, I know a crush when I see one and yours definitely is . Why don't you ask her out?"

"It's complicated."

Before Kwan can torture me with his long string of questions, Jojo stomps her way toward us with closed fists. "I swear to God if that bitch asks for a menu one more time..."

"Hey, hey we talked about this, " Kwan interferes. "Deep breaths. In and out."

She does what she's told a couple of turns and then rests her hand on her hip. "Nope. I'm still angry. I have to punch something."

"No violence in our workplace, Jojo."

She pouts in distaste and then suddenly her eyes land on mine. Her hand reaches out and points at my chin. "You got a little something.."

I dip my vision down only to be met with her index and middle finger giving my head a hard flick. She erupts in teasing giggles, soon joined by Kwan's booming laughter.

"Gotcha! Bro, I feel better already, " she says and gives Kwan a manly fist bump. I shake my head in surrender, a coy smile tugging at the corners of my lips and head for the room on the back. I hear the swish of Jojo's apron on the counter as she  soon falls into my steps. We had a ten minute break everyday and Jojo was never one to miss it, always deciding to share that precious time with me. She kinda ruined it with the jokes sometimes but I didn't really mind.

She offers me a slice of cucumber trapped on the sharp edge of her knife and I politely decline. She always did that, sharing food left and right even though most of the times it wasn't even that much to begin with.

"Wanna hangout after work?" I suddenly ask. I hadn't planned this at the slightest. It was like the words jumped right out of my throat. Sure, we'd hung out before but only on days off and certainly not on evenings.

She hesitates for a moment before chewing on the cucumbers. "Sure, why not? It's Sunday tomorrow, right?"

"Yeah, " I admit.

"Cool."

I try not to let the excitement show on my face as I finish the last bits of my lunch. The late afternoon takes longer than usual to arrive. By the end of the shift, I'd been itching to get the apron off. Jojo, on the other hand seems unbothered. For her it was probably just another day with the bane of her existence. She nudges her elbow into my side as we exit the doors together, throwing a glance at the bike by the side of the road. She would ride that thing here everyday even though the memories of the accident were still fresh. "I'll just leave it here tonight, " she says, as if reading my thoughts. "Don't wanna make your sorry ass struggle to keep up with me."

I give her a teasing light push and pull at a string on her hair. "Fuck off."

We go for a series of playful kicks and thrashes that turn milder and milder with every inch we come closer to my apartment. By the point we've reached the door, my poor hair is being twisted like a rope in her cruel hands. She really liked touching my hair. She kept saying she'd braid it or put it in a ponytail at least once before she died. Me on the other hand had scolded her for mentioning death in the first place.

"Ok, but you have to let me style it for you, " she insists, never dropping the issue.

"No, thank you. I like my hair the way it is, " I reply in feigned smugness.

"Asshole, " she mumbles under her breath.

"What?"

"I said Casserole. I'm craving some."

My eye creases soften on their own. "I can make it for you if you want."

"You know how?"

"No, but I can look it up online."

At that, a shy smile brushes  her features. "Nah, it's alright. I think about all sorts of food all the time. I'd probably change my mind after five minutes."

She plops down on the couch comfortably and groans when the bones of her back click to let her unwind. The way she'd grown more and more comfortable around me gave me this weird sense of satisfaction, as if I'd been seeking for that validation from the start. In fact, our whole situation was weird. I enjoyed her company and hopefully the feeling was mutual but there was still something missing. I didn't know exactly what but I certainly knew that deep down she was hiding a whole different personality.

My apartment had become so familiar to her, she doesn't hesitate to let me know without much further ado that she'd be using the restroom. But just before fully rising, she types something down on her phone with the utmost concentration. The only reason why it attracted my attention was the excessive amount of times she'd done that for today. And yesterday. And days before that. It would take one bite of her food and she'd immediately reach for her phone.

Did she use a calorie tracker?

I curse myself enough to damn my soul to hell for the rest of eternity but it still doesn't stop my hand from shakily grasping the phone lying on the couch. I draw the pattern I'd memorized from watching her unlock it all those times and just like that, the  Notes app lights back into life. My eyes widen with every single line I read.

Day 35 I fucked up today. I had three donuts for breakfast and pizza for dinner. The cravings are fucking horrible. Total : 1560 cals

I scroll down to some days back.

Day 34 I wouldn't say it's bad. I went for a run and had an apple afterwards. Take that Anna, you  whiny bitch! Total: 78 cals

There's a visible pattern in the notes; wins, losses,relapses. My eyes scan the screen speedily, fleeting through each letter and word.

Guess what? I fucked up again—

I hate myself—

I did not eat anything today! Nothing, I tell you! Haven't felt this empty since—

I so wanna die right now—

Please make it stop—

Day 71 No comment

Day 72 No comment

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No comment—

"That's my phone, you know."

I raise my head to level my blown-out pupils with her calm ones. Unperturbed. Smooth like waves in a gentle breeze. She doesn't look angry to witness my shameless snooping, just disappointed. She knows that I know. It all makes sense now. The scars, the small meals, the excessive workouts...I feel a pang in my chest for being such a fool all this time.

I muster whatever courage left within me and rasp out the words. "Who exactly is Anna?"

~ JOJO ~

"She's a bitch."

"An imaginary bitch, " Jungkook emphasizes.

"Doesn't make her less of a bitch, " I mumble.

He has been giving me a cold yet sympathizing stare for the last five minutes but I knew that deep inside he was bashing himself for not knowing.

"It's short for Anorexia, " I clarify.

"How long has this been going on?" Jungkook continues. He didn't seem like giving up on the detective role anytime soon. Little did I know that he would fully embrace the title.

"Three years."

His head drops in his hands. He gives his pretty face a hard rub before turning it back towards me, eyes now laced with something similar to compassion.

"Why aren't you looking at me like that?" I ask him.

"Like what?"

"Like I'm some sort of freak."

"You're not a freak, " he grits between his teeth.

"But that's what everyone would say if I told them. I know they'll look at me differently."

"I'm not everyone."

He was right. He wasn't everyone. That's why I kept dropping hints on him with every chance I could get. I wanted him to know but then again I didn't want him to know. It was hard to explain.

Jungkook keeps his piercing stare on me, hoping to get a reaction. Then he pats the spot next to him on the couch as a few strands of hair fall into his eyes. It made him look so adorable, I decided right there and then I would do whatever he said. Just asking would be enough.

"What's it like?" he asks as soon as I make myself comfortable.

"My disorder?"

He nods.

I think for a few moments before answering. How was I supposed to to explain it? It had been by my side for such a long time, I didn't know how to tell my disease and myself apart.

"Well, to begin with, I'm fat."

Come on. Say it. Come on.

His eyebrows scrunch in disbelief. "No, you're not."

There you go.

"You look pretty normal to me, " he continues.

"Normal is just another word for "you're fat but I don't wanna say it in your face, " I spit and it only makes him look more confused. "Oh, come on. I bet the first thing that came to your mind when you thought about anorexia was a skinny pale girl looking at a mirror. See? I knew it. In people's eyes anorexia and non-skinny people do not correlate."

Jungkook looks embarrassed to say the least. I know he's trying his best to find a gentle way around me but the deep crimson of his cheeks doesn't make it any easier for him. "I—"

"Look, Juan. I don't wanna overwhelm you with my bullshit. I'm sick in the head, okay? The things I do are not cool and I don't want you to be part of it."

"I thought we were friends..." he whispers in a low voice.

"We are but—"

"Just explain it to me, please. I'll help you get rid of it."

He really had no idea. His gullible self couldn't understand that this was not just a disorder. It was a lifestyle and the only way I knew how to survive. I release a sigh of defeat and try to muster the most joyful tone. "Fine. You wanna know what it's like? I'll tell you what it's like. Every day, I get up from that bed with the sole purpose of starving. I don't want to eat. It's that simple. Now you're probably thinking: ' why the fuck aren't you dead yet?' That's because I can't starve correctly, Juan. I can't do shit."

Jungkook keeps his unwavering stare directed towards my face and hands that passionately make weird gestures from time to time. I notice something sparking within me, a small flare of anger and pent up frustration finally getting some release. Saying the words out loud was unnerving. I'd never imagined them anywhere but on the interiors of my head.

"Numbers are important. I can't tell the difference even if I lost some weight. That's why I use the scale everyday."

"What do you usually eat?" Jungkook carefully asks.

"Anything that has low calories in it. But it doesn't last long and I'll immediately eat junk food three times the amount. Starve. Binge. Starve. Binge. It's a vicious cycle."

"Why don't you try a healthy diet?"

I let out a humorless laugh. "Wow, you're richer than I thought."

He blinks. "What? Why?"

"Healthy diets are expensive, dumbass. Ever wondered how rich people have those avocado diets and that type of shit? But that's just an excuse. The real reason is that I lack will."

"If you lacked will, you'd be dead by now."

"That's where I'm heading."

His head falls in his hands again and those pretty smooth lips mumble under his fingers. "You're not satisfied with your body?"

"Not satisfied is an understatement. I hate my body. It's hard to explain actually. I don't want to be sick to the point where I can't even stand but I don't want to be curvy either , you know what I mean? Its like I want a thin body but then I see a muscular one and I'm like ooh I want that one too and I don't know..."

Jungkook's eyes seem to sparkle on that. "So, you want a lean muscular body?

"Yes."

"That's not so hard to achieve."

I put up my best fake surprised-expression. "No shit, sherlock. Why didn't you just say so? You would've saved me from a lot of trouble."

"Fuck you, " he grumbles.

"I'm already fucked for life my man."

His deep sigh tickles my face. "You're impossible. How can you joke about this?"

"Then what am I supposed to do? Cry about it? Trust me, I've tried that a lot of times. It won't do shit. If I laugh about it, it won't be as shitty, " I add. "But jokes aside, it's not just about being thin. Its also about being in control, being aware of your own body. I feel so angry and frustrated  every time I lose my streak."

To my surprise, he smirks in such an inappropriate way, it paints his face in a whole new canvas . "Don't worry. There are some situations where control just isn't needed."

I almost choke on my spit. Jungkook, being audacious? Well that was new. "Feeling bold, Juan?" I tease.

"Maybe, " he admits but now it had turned into what seemed like a shy smile. I try to latch onto that glimpse of humor and normalcy in hopes of taming the wild turns and takes of our conversation. But just when I thought I'd taken hold of it, Jungkook jumps into a new question. "What else can you tell me?"

I highly doubted I would be able to spill the contents of my soul in such a short time but if he was so hellbent on knowing more, knowing he would get." I can tell you a lot of things but I can also guarantee they're not pleasant."

He doesn't even blink.

"Fine. You asked for it." I pause. " I've been like this for three years now and it has only gotten worse as time passed. I already know what you've seen online and what you think eating disorders are. Trust me, it's bullshit. Don't believe the shit they give you. Do you know how many overweight people are anorexic? A whole bunch of them but if they tell anyone about it they'll get laughed at 'cause apparently anorexia exist only for skinny white girls. A lot of guys have it too. But they call it cutting back some pounds when they hit the gym. No way that's unhealthy, right? Totally justified. It's all just a big pile of shit. There's nothing cute or romantic about it. You know what's funny? I can go for days without taking a shit but I'll pee every two hours. I drink so much water to the point where it makes me sick. I never get warm. I take every single bite counting numbers in my head and wondering how I'll burn it off later, I spin in circles to make myself sick just so I won't be able to eat, I measure my waist three times a day and I feel like fainting every time I get up. I hurt myself 'cause I don't like what I see."

I feel that familiar ball of imaginary yarn settle to the base of my throat but I push it back down just as fast. Not now. Anytime but now.

Jungkook's eyes glint with sadness. He gulps once before lowering his vision and choosing to stare at the hands resting on his lap. "I'm sorry."

"Don't apologize, " I reply. " It's not your fau—"

His hand shoots out to capture my own. A thousand tiny electric sparkles tingle up my arm. Maybe it's the lack of contact or just the knowledge that it's him but the way his warm palm fits into mine feels so right and I can't move it away for the life of me. His thumb brushes lightly across my knuckles. "I'm not pitying you, okay?" he says in a gentle voice. "I would never pity you. I just don't want to see you like this."

I lift my eyes to his own and stare at him like he was a glass statue, pouring some of his brightness on me. I didn't understand why he hadn't kicked me off yet. And to think that I was enjoying it...

Jungkook observes the slight tremor of my hand in his, which I'm desperately trying to hide and a subtle smile graces his lips. "You're touch starved, " he murmurs. Not in a malicious way. Not mocking me for it. Just stating things out in the open. It was the quality I liked the most about him.

"Physical contact is a luxury to me," I admit.

"It shouldn't be. You're human."

"I'm not even sure about that anymore."

The smile stretches wider as his nimble fingers intertwine with my trembling ones in a gentle, yet firm grip.

"Is this okay?" he questions, eyes set on the motion.

"No, but carry on."

It all felt like a guilty pleasure, like those sweet candies your mother keeps hiding from you and when you do find them, the taste is but absolute bliss. A forbidden fruit. I knew I shouldn't be leading him anywhere and spoil his peaceful life with my problems but I couldn't make myself pull back either. I was all of a sudden caught up between two fires that would scorch me and themselves in the end. Pushing people away or letting them in the confines of my chaos. I would lose either way.

I put on my best unperturbed mask to make it known I wasn't affected at the very least but just like that, his other hand slides up to my elbow and locks it in place. His deep look burns with something I can't quite decipher. "Can I kiss you?" he suddenly asks.

I freeze for a split second but try to shake it off with an intentional raise of my eyebrow. "Why?"

"I want to, " he breathes.

I was torn between slapping some sense into him and laughing my ass off but I do neither. My posture stays unmoving, waiting. "Do you really want to?" I ask again.

"Yeah, " he confesses and I catch his eyes glancing down to my lips.

I shrug. "Okay."

I've barely gotten the word out when he closes the small distance in a matter of seconds. A hand latches onto my jaw to angle it better and that's where I feel the soft, plushy texture of his lips come into contact with mine. They're so delicate and move so gently, I feel like I've ascended into time and space. I let his bangs tickle my cheekbones because it obscured his eyes from view and I didn't want to witness the reality of it.

Before I can dwell longer on them, he pulls back, forming the smallest of distances. His pupils are blown out, dark eyes staring with something more than just interest. I take notice of my fist bunching up the T-shirt he's wearing. Apparently, I hadn't been able to block out all my reactions.  I release the material immediately and rise to my feet. A quick glance at the window showed that it was already dark.

"Good night, " I chirp and grab my phone resting on the table, heading speedily for the door.

Jungkook panicks and stands up just as fast. "Wait, where are you going?"

"Home," I reply.

His eyebrows bunch up in confusion yet again. "You can't just go like that after I kissed you."

"Watch me."

In less than four strides I've crossed the threshold and shut the door behind me with a thump. People were right when they said you couldn't see yourself blush but you could feel it. My whole face felt like it was on fire, an uncomfortable warmth spreading equally up to the tips of my ears. Who the fuck even blushes anymore?

I smack my lips in annoyance as I make my way down the stairs in a newfound rush. I cant deny it. I liked the kiss. Maybe a little too much. In fact I wanna go back there and steal the breath out of his lips. But I can't. It was a one time thing. And it will remain that way. Or at least I hoped so.

~ JUNGKOOK ~

Anorexia nervosa, often referred to simply as anorexia, is an eating disorder characterized by low weight, food restriction, fear of gaining weight, and a strong desire to be thin. Many people with anorexia see themselves as overweight even though they are, in fact, underweight.

Sleep is far from reach as I keep scrolling down page after page of the same generic description. Countless of pics of young girls with ribs and bones sticking out of their pale skin had been more than enough to make my own skin crawl, the after-images blazed forever behind my eyelids. She was right— they all said the same thing but I'd always known that no matter what what was said, you couldn't really  understand something without experiencing it yourself first hand.

I put my laptop aside and lay down on the warm comfort of my bed. Even though I'd willed my eyes shut, sleep just wouldn't come. She kept busying my head with all kinds of thoughts— thoughts of her disorder, thoughts of what she was doing right now and the memory of her soft lips on mine. I keep replaying that exact moment like a loop, feeding off my imagination like a middle-schooler. She'd acted like she barely gave a shit but there was no mistakening the furious blush that had fallen across her nose and cheeks all the way to the tips of her ears. It looked surprisingly adorable on her, different from any type of reaction I'd gotten in exchange.

I roll over the other side of the bed and smash the back of my head on the pillow. I'm such an asshole. And she's no better either. How can you just leave after someone kisses you?

I leave my mind pondering to these thoughts as my eyelids slowly start to weigh down on me. But just when I'm about to pass out cold, a dark figure intrudes the corner of my eye, causing my body to turn upright.

Jojo's standing by the threshold, dressed up in what looked like loose see-through sleeping clothes. The material fell in graceful waves from the hems and pooled around her ankles. It felt weird not seeing her dressed up in her usual tomboy look but I was enjoying the view nonetheless. Her hair drapes over her shoulder and hides a part of her face, the rest of it, illuminated by the moonlight seeping from the drawn-back curtains. It looked like she'd just awoken, eyes mussed up with sleep but still focused on my form. She stares deeply at me, as if waiting for something.

All traces of exhaustion now wiped clean, I push myself up on my elbows and return the stare. How had she gotten here this late? Did she know my password?

She saunters over to the bed in such a seductively delicate manner but yet it was so subtle, I doubted whether she did it on purpose or not. Her left knee touches the duvet first, making the bed dip slightly under her weight. Then she leans her palm facing down and proceeds to come closer and closer on all fours like a predator targeting its prey. I was like a deer caught in the headlights in the most cliché sense of the word. I kept observing her movements with silent adoration and the more I tried to look away, the harder my eyes seemed to fixate on her approaching form. At some point she's sitting so close to me that I can feel her soft breath fluttering my eyelashes. She slowly tilts her head and gives me a look of mild curiosity, as if puzzled by my existence there altogether.

"Can I touch you?" she softly asks. Her dark orbs bore into mine, waiting for my answer. Such a sheer persuasion is held inside of them that I find myself gulping audibly before nodding without a moment's notice. She comes impossibly closer, almost attaching her body into mine and then raises a hand up to my hair, the small fingers playfully twirling the dark locks. I then notice her own hair falling in curtains in front of her face, slightly obscuring her eyes from view. It makes her look even more mysterious and alluring, I can barely resist the urge to tuck a string back behind her ear.

"Can I do more than just touch you?" she asks again and this time the movement of her hand slows into a halt. The edges of her lips pull slightly  in a teasing manner and seem to merge into a coy smile.

My heart starts beating like crazy. I can feel it accelerate into a manic pace as it pulses with an unfaltering heat underneath my fingertips. I muster whatever air left in my lungs and whisper the words in a breeze. "Whatever you'd like."

That's all the approval she needs. She tilts her head on the side and lets the tip of her nose brush my earlobe. The breath she lets go draws from me an involuntary shudder that washes over my body; from the top of my head and down to my toes.

I fist the sheets to the point where it hurts. I wanted to touch her too, to feel her and to breathe her in. But I don't. I decide to let her be the one in control, to let her know that just a word tumbling from her lips would be enough to give her all of me. All that I had.

She drags those sinful lips along the side of my neck painfully slow and then puts her legs on each side of my hips, straddling them. And then she kisses me. Even though barely a peck, it burns scolding hot and causes my lips to burst into a heap of tingles.

My hands find their way into her waist, digging through the material but she stops me with her own and gives my chest a light push. I try to relax and let my back lower till it finally makes contact with the sheets. She hovers above me, graceful strings of hair tickling my neck as she attacks my lips again with bruising strength.

That's when I feel it. My shirt being lifted. Her cold fingertips, in stark contrast with my ridiculously hot skin, leave goosebumps in their wake. I try to reach with my hands and help her get it off but she grabs them and puts them back down. "Don't. I'll do it for you."

She resumes her previous action and sweeps my shirt completely off but not before making sure those nimble fingers slide along my skin with an added pressure. I let her. I let her do whatever she wants with me. She can have me.

I pray silently with my eyes for her to kiss me again and surprisingly, she understands. But this time I can't help the small whine coming deep from the back of my throat as she dips her head down and lets her tongue swipe a sensitive stripe on my neck. I'm scared the sheets will rip into shreds from how hard I'm twisting them.

She doesn't stop. Only goes lower and lower with open-mouthed kisses, down my chest, through the ridges of my abs, all the way to my navel. She stops there and the hard muscle of her tongue moves in a way that makes me gasp out loud. I shut my eyes tight.

When I open them again, the pressure on my tummy slowly dissipates. I drag my eyes to my front but there's no one there. Just the open window swaying the curtains and the entirety of my room swallowed by semi-darkness.

She's not here. It was just a dream.

I sit up on my bed and drag a hand to my face, rubbing it hard to pull myself together. What the hell just happened? I hate myself even more for the fact that I wish it wasn't a dream. I let my head fall back with a thump into the pillows and notice the uncomfortable heat at the bottom of my stomach. "Holy shit, " I whisper.

~ JOJO ~

Sometimes even the most colorful butterflies in your stomach cannot stop the tears from falling. Me, like the miserable human being I was, had cried myself to sleep last night instead of hopping cheerfully around my room. Jungkook's shut eyes and the serene expression on his face when he'd put his lips on mine had only made me wallow into self-doubt even more than usual. Did he actually mean it or had it just been a reflex, something to pass the time? I felt as if I didn't deserve any of the things he offered me, regardless of his intentions. But fuck, did I want to have him. Fuck. I'd never met a more perfect person with all of those tiny imperfections that actually made him real and whole.

That perfect smile that puts all of his pearly white teeth on display shines bright even know as he notices me entering the shop but I don't fail to detect the eyes that shy away in embarrassment. How cute.

"Hey, " he tries to hold the grin from spreading across his face as he scratches his neck awkwardly.

"Hey yourself, " I reply with forced nonchalance. It doesn't work. I fall under the scrutiny of his eyes as he can tell something's off.

"Your eyes are red, " he states matter of factly.

"Last time I checked they were brown."

His face falls. "Don't give me that shit."

Wow. That kiss had definitely given him some confidence. As far as I remembered, swearing was something he found hard to do unless absolutely necessary. Was I getting to him already?

Preparing to start the work, I click my tongue and move into an arc around his back.  I let the silence fill the empty slots, too tired to come up with some lame excuse when suddenly, the presence of warm fingers greets the skin of my elbow. I look down to see Jungkook's hand on it, eyes brimmed with genuine worry, something I hadn't seen in a long time. "Is everything alright?" he questions and the words alone make the butterflies in my stomach almost turn into pigeons. "You left all of a sudden last night."

The angle on which he bends his neck to level his eyes with mine makes them stand out so adorably, so bright and full of life, I can barely hold a squeal from ripping out of my throat. He was just standing there in all his glory and looking at me like I was the thing he cared about the most. Maybe I was. Did it sound too far-fetched?

I slowly reach up and twirl one of his dark locks on my forefinger, letting it drag to the side of his cheek as I give it a small poke. I hear the breath that hitches on his throat and it only spurs me on even more. "Why? Did you miss me?"

He doesn't back down, eyes boring into mine with an intensity that deserved some recognition. They occasionally flicker down to my lips and I already know what passes through his mind at this moment.

Someone clears their throat.

I immediately put some distance, eyes dragging to the new intruder only to find Kwan staring at us both with a shit-eating grin. He was gonna use this to blackmail us, I was sure about that but I couldn't care less. Not when Jungkook's eyes follow me without failing as I backtrack a few steps.

"He had something in his hair, " I explain with a faint gesture. Kwan's grin grows impossibly larger but he doesn't say anything, deciding instead to grab one of the glasses and wipe it raw, a habit more than out of intention.

I ignore his teasing remarks for the rest of the day and watch Jungkook's prying eyes from the corner of my vision. He'd throw a glance my way with every chance he got and without even being subtle about it. When it's time for our lunch break, his stare becomes so bashful, I can't help but stare back with an offended glare.

"You're doing it again, " he says before I can part my lips.

"Doing what? " I ask.

"Putting a mask on your face. It's funny but it's bullshit."

More swearing. Was it really possible to change someone for the worst with a few words? The last thing I wanted was for him to follow into my steps.

"There's no need to act cool all the time. If you're not okay, you can just say so." His hands fumble with the edges of his lunch box, fingers scraping at it out of nervousness. "You can say it to me, " he adds more softly. " I'll listen."

"Hey, its not that big of a deal, " I wave him off.

"Not that big of a deal?" he mimicks. "You can die."

"So? What's it to you?"

Jungkook sighs deeply. "Jojo—"

"Are you gonna feed me the classic love yourself bullshit?" I interrupt him before he has the chance to say the words I've heard being trumpeted so many times. "Cause there's no need for that. I already love myself. I mean, sure I would jump off a cliff if I could but I love living. I love life to death."

I'm pretty sure that so called mask he mentioned was glowing with pride right now. Even though deep down I knew it felt wrong, I still—

"You do this on purpose, don't you?" I turn my eyes to him only to see a smug expression that looked so foreign and uncharacteristic on his face. "I know what you're doing. You act rude and sassy and uncaring to fend people off so they won't get attached to you because you think your presence alone harms them." He leans forward with his elbows on his knees and his face floats mere inches from mine. "Isn't that right?"

When I don't answer back, his hands cup my knees as he leans so impossibly close that I can count all the dark brown flecks in his eyes. "Hate to break it to you but you can try as much as you want. You're not getting rid of me so easily."

His husky voice brings a smile on my face and I still make no move to put his hands away. "Oh, I can get rid of you. I just don't want to."

~ JUNGKOOK ~

"What do you mean you don't want to? I thought you liked hanging around with me?"

"It's late, Juan."

Jojo grabs the handles of her bike and turns it around in a semi-circle but before she can hop on the seat, I give her hoodie a pull and take over. From the moment I start pedaling, she sighs in exasperation. "Dude, come on, give it back."

"I'm not taking no for an answer, " I quickly reply. "I'm making chicken breasts tonight. Low calorie. You have to come over."

Jojo slowly catches up and we move like that for a while; her walking and me on the bike. It felt strangely relieving to have a moment of peace after a long and exhausting workday. I close my eyes and let the sun rays bask on my face with their warm texture. From the silence that follows, I suppose she's left with no other choice but to give in.

"Watcha thinking about?" I hear her ask after a few moments.

I open my eyes and turn my head towards her. "You."

She snorts. "You've stepped up your game, my man. Glad to see some progress."

"I learned from the best."

"Nah, I'm pretty sure you were already popular with the ladies way before you met me."

The soles of my feet touch the concrete and I force the bike into a halt. "What makes you say that?"

"Well, " Jojo grins, "there's a girl behind us staring at your asscheeks–"

I choke on my spit.

"–and I mean like I can't exactly blame her because your ass is really looking pretty puffed up in that seat–"

"Anywaaaays, " I drag the word long enough to make her stop and proceed to flick my chin on the side. "Let me give you a ride."

Jojo's whole face dismorphs as her lips twist into a barely contained smile. It takes me a while to get the dirty reference. "Oh come on, " I yell out of frustration. "A ride. On a bike. Here on the street. Out in the ope–"

"Yeah, yeah. Just scoot over."

I do as I'm told and not a moment longer, Jojo tries to get comfortable on the back seat. However, I had a better idea. "Hey, why don't you pass to the front?"

Jojo peeks over my shoulder. "No. We'll fall if I do that."

"No, we won't, " I insist. "Just trust me. I'll keep you safe."

I don't know if those words struck a cord within her because she looks genuinely caught off guard with those big sparkly eyes staring at me in earnest. That's where I understood.

Words have power.

I could help her turn things around for the better. I could help her get back to normal. I could do all of these things and more if only she would crack the door of her soul open just an inch to let me in.

"Okay, " she finally answers in a tone much softer than usual. I scoot back and let her sit on the bike's supporting rod.

"Ugh, my ass is gonna be bruised like hell by the time we get there, " Jojo whines and squirms in discomfort.

Chuckling, I give the pedals a push and soon fall into a constant rhythm. Unfortunately for Jojo, it is hard to keep the balance so she is forced to hold onto my shirt. She barely touches it though. "Oh God."

"What?"

"Don't tell me this is one of those cliché supposedly romantic moments where the girl almost falls and they look into each other's eyes and shit like that."

I keep my eyes on the road. "I mean, it's not so dramatic to begin with. We're just chilling. And for the record, we did kiss so I don't see how just looking at each other can be such a big deal."

"Can't believe you pulled that card on me."

"You deserved it, " I reply in a smug tone.

After another moment of comfortable silence, Jojo's arms snake around my waist and the side of her head leans back on my chest. It feels like holding a baby, warming my body up with the presence of blood and life flowing underneath the skin.

For fear of scaring her away, I decide not to add any teasing remarks on why she changed her attitude in a matter of seconds, despite how tempting it was. If that loneliness she constantly felt was reduced even by a fraction, my job was done.

"Are you sleepy?" I carefully ask.

Her arms squeeze me even tighter. When she rubs her cheek affectionately on the front of my shirt, I fight the urge to erupt into giggles. "No, " she answers. "Just tired."

It would only take some time. Just a little bit more time and all her exhaustion would ripple away with no traces in her body or mind. This was my job from now on.

~ JOJO ~

It wasn't exactly his job to nurture me like a newborn baby but I couldn't deny the fact that I liked this new attention. I'd always tried not to feed my narcisstic side too much but it was a pleasant surprise to find out that someone other than Ana acknowledged my existence. These are the thoughts spinning round my head as I stare at the tiny bow of Jungkook's apron tied up at the small of his back. Or at least that's what I was supposed to be looking at because for the past fifteen minutes, my eyes had been trying not to drag down on the voluptuous planes of his ass that stuck painfully tight to the black jeans he was wearing. It's like the sucker was doing it on purpose, keeping his back to me the whole time.

"I really can't blame that girl for staring at you earlier, " I wonder out loud after the uncomfortable silence becomes unbearable. "With jeans that tight, you're asking for it, my man."

Upon hearing the words, Jungkook turns around with a spatula on one hand and a look of confusion on his face. "Isn't that what men usually say to women?"

"Exactly. But there are way less chances for a man to be sexually harassed by a woman, now isn't there? So don't come at me with that equality bullshit."

A small, understanding smile creeps up on the side of Jungkook's lips and in contrast to my words, it really seems genuine. "True. But that still doesn't make it okay." He turns back to flipping the chicken breasts on the pan.

I sigh. "Yeah, alright. Sorry for complimenting your ridiculously gorgeous butt—"

A snort.

"— but I won't hesitate to slap that shit if you piss me off, Juan. And I won't do it in a kinky way."

At that, Jungkook fully turns around, places the fresh meal onto the table and hurriedly  takes a seat. "You're into that sort of thing?"

"Nah, man. I like being normal."

"Normal? You?" Jungkook cocks an eyebrow, the emphasis on the word clearly intentional. I understood that something like that was to be expected from people but it didn't mean it didn't secretly hurt my feelings. Being always ousted as the weird one took a mental toll on you and if you ever tried to blend in, it would only make you stand out more.

I let out a noise of impatience. "Listen, here Juan. I might be sick as fuck but my life doesn't revolve around my disorder. I have favorite hobbies and colors and that kind of shit."

"Is it black?" Jungkook jumps in, suddenly curious.

"Navy blue, but that's not the point."

"I know it isn't." He sighs wistfully.  "Sorry, Jojo. The only reason I said that is because every five seconds you try to assert your dominance so I assumed your preferences on that particular side were a bit...freakish." His expression is halfway between apologetic and entertained and he seems torn between the two.

Curse my dumbass brain for ever acting on impulse.

I scratch the back of my head in discomfort and avert his eyes. "Okay. Okay, I get it. I jumped too fast to conclusions–" I lean my elbow on the table, "–but that's because I'm very athletic."

Jungkook deadpans.

After another uncomfortable silence settles in and after Jungkook realizes he's not getting another word from me, he absentmindedly taps the table with his fingertips. " By the way, same for me, " he mumbles.

"Huh? " I logically reply.

"I have the same preferences as you." He raises his head and looks at me dead in the eye. "Normal."

At this point, I had no idea why we'd decided to reveal our sexual preferences for absolutely no reason but it had come to that. Crazy, right? Me and emo-boy pouring our hearts out to each other...

"So, " Jungkook interrupts my train of thought as he starts chewing on the fresh chicken pieces. "You seem like a competitive person."

"I guess you could say that, " I hum in agreement.

"Well, I have another proposal."

"Like I said, it's too early for me to get married."

The expression he makes as he tries to keep the food from spilling  almost causes me to burst out laughing. Even after he's successfully managed to breathe in some air, the faint traces of a phantom smile are still visible.

"I meant a challenge. For you. A bet, to be more exact. Do you like bets?"

"I do, actually."

"Well then. We'll play a game of tic-tac-toe. The rules are simple. If you win, I'll do everything you want for the rest of the day. Now....if I win....." A devilish grin stretches on one side of his face. "You'll practically do whatever I ask you to. It's the same for both cases."

"What's the catch?"

Jungkook leans back in his chair and links his hands on the back of his head. " There's no catch. I like games, that's all."

The satisfied, confident expression he was wearing made it clear that this was not just a simple game. I was sure as hell he had something up his sleeve but that didn't turn me off nor made me back down. Why not let the guy have his own fair share of fun? However, that didn't mean I couldn't at least give things a little twist.

"Okay, then. Take your shirt off."

This time Jungkook really can't help but choke on his chicken breasts, sputtering pieces of food everywhere. One of them barely misses my face.

"What the fuck! Why?" he screeches, hands wildly attempting to clean the mess.

I slowly drift into a smile. "Relax, pretty boy. We're playing the game on your abs.

~ JOJO ~

"This is stupid."

"You're stupid. Now shut up."

Jungkook gives me one last incredulous look before pulling the shirt completely over his head. In all honesty, the sight was to drool for. That swirling tattoo I'd always caught a glimpse of, is now clearly displayed on one part of his chest and on his left side, reaching up to his neck and down to his hipbone. I try to keep my composure as best as I can but some of my facial expressions must have been on point because Jungkook seems to start feeling uneasy. He shifts his weight from foot to foot and scratches the back of his head. I almost feel bad for lightly snorting but then I think better of it.  After all, I was allowed to have some harmless fun, right? No biggie.

The ridges of Jungkook's magnificent abdominal muscles come into view as he slowly approaches. His posture is a bit stiff, however. The guy was trying his best to suck his stomach in, in hopes of flaunting his slim waist in the most perfect angle.

"Stop flexing, Juan." I say in a monotonous voice. "I already know you're ripped. "

Caught in the act, he shyly smiles and lowers his eyes. "Sorry."

The smile only grows further when I use a marker to draw the lines for the game on his stomach. He squirms and twitches with every flick of my wrist. Apparently, ticklish was another adjective to add onto the dictionary of my names for him.

After a rough sketch is drawn on his tummy, Jungkook gestures for me to make the first move. "Ladies first, " he says with a grin that almost looked pained. His eyes follow my hand that had been finishing the last touches.

I draw an X.

He draws an O.

We move back and forth, exchanging the marker every time, until I realize.

I'm fucked.

He had me cornered in both rows. Wherever I put my next mark, I would still lose. It was an old technique that everyone had used at some point but my dumb ass had fallen right into the trap. But was I really to blame with him looking at me like that?

Jungkook chuckles. "I win."

Fuck. I'm screwed.

"Looks like you're gonna be my servant for the rest of the day. " He throws a careless glance at the windows, pitch dark background already behind them. "Or should I say, night?"

I sit back down on the chair and man-spread in defeat. "Fine. You won. Congratulations. Now what do you want me to do?"

He doesn't even hesitate, his voice as clear as glass. "Kiss me."

I stare at him in disbelief but it didn't seem like there had been a slip of the tongue. He was dead serious with those hooded eyes and the fact that he hadn't even put his shirt back on was for some reason unnerving.

A scoff escapes from me. "Out of all the things you could've asked.... I thought you were gonna make me clean your kitchen or something."

"Oh ,we have plenty of time for that, " Jungkook replies with a newfound smugness.

I mull it over in my head for a second before slowly rising from the chair. He leans forward in anticipation and it's as if his every fiber feels ready to pounce in action.

I honestly found it hard to comprehend the concept behind all of this. Out of all the nice looking girls out there, he found a dirty looking rag called me? Me?!

I give my head a slight shake and reach up with the tips of my toes. I listen to Jungkook's breathing stagger for a moment, only to be released with disappointment when I touch my lips to the side of his cheek, furthest from his two plumps of pink rosy flesh. Jungkook's expression looks slightly annoyed as I pull back, observing the ruins left in my wake.

"That's not exactly what I was thinking, " he laughs to himself, half out of disappointment half out of disbelief.

"You never specified where to kiss you, " I explain.

There had been nothing forcing me to act the way I did. Absolutely no one but myself yet I still felt like something was missing. Like I wasn't enough for him or any other person. My mind kept lying to itself, in the hopes that if I could avoid being too touchy, he probably would forget about me altogether.

Jungkook, bless his soul, gets rid of the awkwardness in a moments's notice, his cheeks puffed up in what resembled a pout. "You played me good, huh?" he huffs and I hold the urge to laugh like a little girl. It felt weirdly cute to see him so worked up over a small rejection when he could make any girl fall in his arms with just a snap of his fingers.

I lower my voice in a mockingly deep baritone. "What are your next orders, my lord?"

Jungkook smiles.

* * *

After that, it's hell hours for me.

It's like he had been waiting for this chance all this time and now that the flood gates were open, he couldn't afford to waste any buckets of water. From cleaning to organizing to heaps and heaps of orders, Jungkook had been vastly generous. And the worst part was that I had to eat my next meal with him and not even dare think about counting calories. He would purposefully mess up the portions and make it impossible for me to calculate. As if I didn't already have a hard time doing that on the daily...

At one point I was even scolded for counting in my head because apparently, the genius had noticed my eyes moving upwards in circular motions as the food lay down in front of me.

In other words I was utterly fucked. The anxiety of not knowing what I was putting inside my body, of having no perception of numbers or weight scared the shit out of me and if it hadn't been for Jungkook's  appreciative glances or encouraging words, I would've said goodbye a long time ago. With him it felt a little less guilty, less of a sacrilege.

"Just don't think about it, " he'd said to me and even though it was one of the most conventional phrases you could think of, coming from him felt different. As if there was an actual purpose behind the words.

"What's next?" I ask in a dead-sounding voice after finishing the rest of the dishes. " A hand-job?"

Jungkook raises his eyebrows in sudden amusement, his expression shamelessly entertained. "As tempting as that sounds, I think I'll settle for a massage for now."

I drag my eyes to his still bare torso and motion for him to lay down on the couch. "Good. 'Cause I wouldn't give you a hand-job even if you threatened to throw me off the balcony."

Jungkook's laugh is muffled by the pillows as he turns his sculpted back to me. "I like how you have no shame."

"Shame is for the weak, " I add.

My fingers work tirelessly on the smooth planes of his skin, pushing and pressing on specific points which I knew would grant him relief. The way he tries to hide satisfied grunts makes me feel light-headed but I bite my tongue and will my creative mind to take it down a notch, focusing on the task at hand. Maybe it was the fact that I hadn't had so much physical contact in a long time. Who knew? It was still an enjoyable sight, what with all the tattoos gracing his beautiful bronze skin in long shapes and lines.

"You're really good at this, " Jungkook grunts after a particularly hard press of my hands on the small of his back, even though to me it sounded more like a moan. He folds his arms at his front and leans his head sideways.

"I am?" I question as a smile already pulls at the corners of my lips.

"Yeah, " he agrees.

"Well, to return the compliment, I really like your tattoos."

Jungkook turns around and lays on his back, staring at me under his long eyelashes. He doesn't utter a single word, just keeps looking at me like he would a statue in a museum, his fringe falling between his eyes but leaving enough space for him to see. My hand is left to linger on the velvety skin of his stomach.

"Most people say they look scary, " he says in a low, raspy voice.

"They're not, " I add and trace a curved black line with the tips of my fingers in reassurance.

Jungkook gently grabs the said hand, still not losing eye contact. "Are you scared of me, Jojo?"

"No. I'm not."

A silence falls in the room, its echo almost deafening but this time there's no discomfort, no weird looks, just the consoling presence of each other that hangs in the air like a halo of light. Then–

"Juan, I think I'm starting to catch feelings for you."

He stops himself from smiling, but it's useless. The smug grin had already made it past his lips. "Yeah, me too."

"Hmmm, " I mutter. "How do we make it stop?"

Jungkook slowly rises in a sitting position, that damned expression still visible on his face. "I don't–  I don't think it's something you can stop."

" Aw shit man, " I scoff.

"Yeah, you just gotta go with the flow."

I'm positive there's a subtle irritated look on my face, which to Jungkook apparently looked hilarious. This had never happened before and I didn't know what exactly to expect. Was it normal? Was I going to be hurt again? What the fuck was I supposed to do?

"You're overthinking it. There's no need to put a name on your feelings." Jungkook cuts like a knife through my jumbled thoughts. "Besides, I thought we were talking about my tattoos."

"Right, " I confirm. " Is there a meaning behind them?"

"No. They're just for aesthetic purposes." The hooded eyes and dark expression is back on his face. "But–" he takes one of my hands and guides it on the side of his torso, "– this one does." He slides it a little further, on the underside of his forearm, tracing what I recognized as a tiger lily. "This one too. I'll tell you about it someday."

His stance is crouched. Even though he's a good feet taller than me, I somehow look towering over him. This position is suggestive enough in itself but it becomes even more so when Jungkook's knees cage around mine. Our eyes now levelling, I drag the line of my vision upwards, refusing to break the eye contact. And then, my eyes focus onto his lips and specifically the tiny little mole under them. It had caught my eye dozens of times before but for some strange reason, right now it looks like it's inviting me. By impulse, I gently meet his lips with mine and surprisingly he doesn't pull back, peppering me back with pouty kisses that are interrupted only by quick pauses for breath. I take the chance and discreetly lick that very mole with the flat of my tongue, feeling his lips' softness with a quick swiping motion.

It's like his gears are put into action. The sweet, gentle Jungkook is utterly forgotten from the moment he slackens his jaw to deepen the kiss, wrestling his own tongue in full force. But then his hands reach up and slip under my sweater to feel the skin underneath and that's all it takes for me to flinch and push him off.

He immediately stops himself from going further and lowers his hands down by his sides. His hooded eyes turn back to alertness as he tries to comprehend what just happened. I feel bad for a moment.

"J—Jojo?" His eyebrows raise in concern. "Did I do something wrong?"

"No, I just—" A deep sigh leaves my lips as I try to keep myself from panicking.

He was about to touch my tummy. My fat, squishy tummy. Just the idea of him touching me there gives me chills.

"I remembered something I have to deal with."

I rip myself off from the couch and drag a hand through my hair in distress, about to turn on my heel and get the hell out of here.

"Wait!" Jungkook yells after me and he grabs my forearm. Not harshly, just strong enough not to let me go. "Did I upset you?"

"No. I–"

Calm down. Deep breaths. One, two. One, two.

"I just have to–" I rush with my words, but Jungkook's hands are made of steel, such a stark contrast with his pleading eyes.

"Stay. I'll take care of you. " He's begging me now. " Please."

I give in–

~ JUNGKOOK ~

–but at what cost? She's been acting distant ever since the panicky incident and I don't know what else to do to get her back the way she was. She barely touches me, barely comes close and I wonder if it's a shame to admit that I miss her kisses too. However, the jokester in her has never left. She'll crack dark jokes from time to time, acting like nothing ever happened and I'll pretend to play along for fear of not making her leave.

It pained me to see her like this, to see her crumbling apart day by day while my hands were frozen in place. A soldier stuck on quicksand. Someone had to tell her this was toxic, that she was poisoning herself and was fully conscious of it.

Weeks and weeks under her presence had trained me to notice all the changes, all the little shifts in her demeanor. Today was no exception. At least not with the incident that had made me do things I'd never imagine doing.

It had all started when a new employee had joined us on the coffee shop, courtesy of my boss, whose relationship with him was rather close. It was one of those cases where you had to make favors for the sake of family relations, et cetera, et cetera. So far, so good. But was one really to imagine that the guy had the audacity to act like he owned the place? I tried to ignore his antics up until the moment he fucked with the wrong girl. My girl.

Despite my disapproving glances, Jojo had been making comments on her weight, constantly seeking Kwan's opinions on the matter.

"But I'm fat!" she had exclaimed, exasperated. In Kwan's eyes, this was just another one of her lame jokes but I knew the sting behind the words.

Then, completely out of line, the new employee had chirped. "You're not fat, you're just thick."

I'd whipped my head in his direction and jumped off the table I'd been sitting, my hands suddenly itching but Jojo had been quick to secretly wave me off. "Well then, you're not stupid, you're just dumb, " she 'd snarked, earning a whole-hearted guffaw from Kwan. The joke had been let at that, or at least that's what Jojo thought. My fists hadn't stopped til the itching sensation was satisfied.

"You okay, Jo?" I'd asked at lunch break, the new nickname making her lips barely twitch. She was upset. I could tell.

"Yeah, why?" she'd replied, eyes trained on my face. For once, she'd given me that warm, old look that went beyond friendship. I'd tried to cherish it for a few seconds before adding, "That asshole was rude to you."

I'd unconsciously rubbed my knuckles and that hadn't skipped past Jojo's eyes. "Nah, he's just– wait a second! Did you do something to him?"

I'd adverted her eyes and cleared my throat awkwardly. "I kinda beat the shit out of him." The image of the guy's swollen face and broken nose flashes into my memory.

She'd gasped but there'd been a mix of amazement and incredulousness in the tone of her voice. "That's my job!"

I'd smiled. "No one messes with my Jo."

She'd smiled back but her eyes had still been sad.

Now I ring the bell on her door, impatiently carding my fingers through my hair as it remains shut. Where the fuck is she? She hasn't been answering my calls for a while and I'm worried sick.

I torture the bell button again and slam my palms on the door. "Jojo, are you there? Come on, it's me! Open up!"

What if something had happened to her? What if– I slam my shoulder repeatedly on it and the lock busts open with a loud clang. Rubbing the sore spot, I quickly scan the room and finally, my eyes find her crouched form on the floor.

There's a pile of junk around her, chocolate wrappers, plastic bags, food splayed apart chaotically and vomit on the floor as well as traces of it on the corners of her mouth. Her eyes are fixed in space, staring at nothing. Dried tears have left moist streaks on her cheeks. She looks lifeless until the moment she takes notice of me and does a double take.

"Jungkook? What– what are you doing here?"

I fall down on my knees next to her, worry written all over my face, but she immediately closes in on herself, her body language radiating fear and protectiveness. "No! Go away, please!"

I don't listen, scooting further till my hands are on her arms, trying to find a way in but she only keeps resisting. "No! Please, don't look at me! Not like this!" Her body shakes with convulsions and quiet sobs rip through her throat.

This was the first time I'd seen her cry.

I grab a towel from the kitchen and dip it in the streaming water. Jojo tries to keep me at bay but I set my mouth on a straight line and force it to her lips. Cleaning her eyes, her face as if I wanted to exfoliate her from any traces of sadness. "Please, " she's begging me now. "Please, go."

I keep my hands on a steady pace, gently rubbing the towel where needed. "Shhh, it's okay. It's just some spilled food. You're okay."

She quiets down at the words and it only goades me further. "Shhhh. You're my baby. My baby, " I lift her up and clean the rest of her, whispering other sweet nothings in her ear until at last the storm passes.

~ JOJO ~

There were two options left when someone made comments on my weight. I either starved myself for two full days or binged on everything I could see like a fucking cow because hey, I'm still gonna be fat, right?

Unfortunately for me , I'd picked the easier way out and emptied the contents of my kitchen in the blink of an eye. It was one of the things I hated the most; stuffing myself till I couldn't breathe. However, what I hated even more was people seeing me in my own misery. Even if that person was none other than the dreamy-eyed boy who had cared for me more than anyone ever had.

I stay silent as Jungkook cleans me thoroughly, making sure to also get rid of the mess on the ground and give me enough privacy to slip out of my nasty clothes and brush my teeth. I just keep staring at him and wonder to myself if I had done any good deeds in this life to deserve him. It pissed me off.

"Do you need another pillow?" Jungkook asks under his dark curly fringe, his back crouched as he stands on the side of my bed.

"No, I'm good, " I rasp, my voice strained from bawling for a good couple of hours. I avert his eyes once more. The guilt and the anger keeps bubbling up on the surface.

Jungkook abandons his chair and sits on the bed, his outer thigh barely touching my forearm. The springs creak and whine under his weight. He takes my hand in his, rubbing comforting circles with the tip of his thumb. "You okay, baby?"

I lash out in a second, grabbing the collar of his black T-shirt and pulling it inches from my face. "Call me baby one more time and I'll rip your throat out."

To my surprise, he's not even fazed. A dark chuckle falls under his lips as he grins widely for me to see. Then, as if it couldn't get any more intense than this, he lets himself fall backwards on the bed, taking me along with him. My legs escape the cover of the sheets and straddle his waist, trying not to fall over and crush him. In that particular order. What a typical movie-like moment. I'm wearing pajama shorts and the pale skin of my thighs is completely exposed. As if on cue, Jungkook's eyes flick towards them, drinking in the view. Had he ever seen this much of my body?

"Do it, " he says in a low voice.

I slide one of my hands upward and gently wrap it around his throat. "You really want me to choke you, Juan?"

The bastard doesn't even say anything. He raises the hands laying by his sides and traces the outline of my thighs higher and higher till they settle on each side of my hips. Goosebumps chill my skin like flowers after rain. I'm torn between punching him and kissing him senseless.

"Who knows, I might actually like it, " he says. He hasn't even tried to wriggle out of my caging body, going as far as even baring his throat at me.

I smirk. "Are you always this submissive?"

Uh oh. Wrong move.

In a matter of seconds, I'm pushed backwards, the soft texture of the sheets smoothing the land on my back. Just like that, the positions are completely switched. Jungkook's grin never leaves his face as he's on top of me, his curly locks swinging like a crown on his head. He takes both of my curled fists and pins them on each side of my head.

"I was actually letting you in charge but now that I think about it ; I also deserve to have some fun right?" he states with a smug expression.

For a moment, I'm left speechless. My limbs too, have nothing to say. At least not with the way they're frozen in place, too caught on the spot to dare move.

Jungkook takes the chance and nuzzles his nose on the gap between my neck and jawline. On another situation I would have felt ticklish but not right now. A heavy weight on the pit of my stomach is proof enough for that. He starts leaving small pecks on the skin of my throat, making a beeline for the collarbones.

I honestly don't know what to do with myself. We've been playing around for a long time now but things have never gotten so serious. Not at this point. Only recently had I pushed him off and now here I was, the one turned into full submission.

"Do you plan on ruining yourself every time someone upsets you?" he mumbles, smooth lips barely grazing against my skin.

The image of that new guy flashes behind my eyes and my face sours, all those butterflies in my stomach crushed to dust, just like that. "Can we talk about something else?"

Jungkook pauses his administrations and pulls back just an inch, his eyes staring at mine in full concentration. "No."

I huff in frustration. "You're on top of me."

"So?" he raises one eyebrow.

"So, get the hell off!"

My wrists are suddenly pinned harder against the sheets, Jungkook's hands forcing them further down until they form little dips.

"No, " he repeats, almost mechanically.

I'm about to protest again when his tongue swipes at the vulnerable skin of my throat and that's all it takes to throw all caution to the wind. My back arches off the bed without my permission and I think I must've let out a sound because Jungkook is laughing that quiet laugh of his that makes his shoulders shake.

His lips are on mine, silencing whatever literate thought that tries to make it out. My hips are now straddled by his own knees and oh- my wrists are free because he lets them go gently and puts his hands on my cheeks, kissing me even more deeply, threading them through my hair and its suddenly too much, too much for me to handle.

I feel like I'm floating ten thousand feet off the ground and buried under layers and layers of earth at the same time. My breath shudders violently when his lips drag across the side of my face and nudge the sweet spot below my ear.

"Why are you doing this to me?" I whisper but it comes out so broken, so desperate. I'm practically begging at this point and I don't even know why.

Jungkook's hands settle on my clothed waist. His fingertips twitch in hesitation as he bunches the fabric and just like that–

"I'm sorry, "

–and lets go.

I feel relieved and disappointed.

His body peels off my own with reluctance that rips me apart in a million different ways and I feel my skin grow cold from his absence. He leans back on the heels of his hands, staring me down with an apologetic look. "I'm sorry, " he repeats and rises from the bed, disappearing into the living room.

* * *

I lay there for a while, staring at the ceiling as if it held the secrets of the universe. My body has not even moved an inch, too shocked, too frozen. My legs feel like lead, two slabs of heavy stone that pin me into place.

If it weren't for Jungkook's presence snapping me out of my empty reverie, I would've probably stood there like a dead body for days. He comes back (from the bathroom, apparently) his wet hair still trickling droplets of water on his shirt, eyebrows shining, and stands on the middle of the room.

"It's midnight, " he says, as if in a trance.

My eyes flick to the window. Pitch black. Indeed.

"Can I stay here tonight?" he continues, and I can swear the tips of his ears go spicy red. My heart melts into a hot buttery mass. He's blushing like crazy. I can see it! A guy, blushing in front of me. I suddenly can't contain my smile, all things forgotten in a blur.

"Yeah. I would like that, " I breathe.

He locks eyes with me and breaks the contact almost immediately, looking anywhere but in my direction.  "I can take the couch–"

"No. Sleep here, " I say and my eyes close of their own accord. "With me,  " I slowly add.

"Are you sur–"

My eyes fly open. "We just made out five seconds ago. Why is that such a problem now?" I lift my neck just an inch, to glare at him but there's no real malice in it.

His lips crack into a smile and I'm glad for the tension that dissipates like cigarette smoke. "I sleep without a shirt on, " he confesses.

"Okay."

He slips it off his torso in a swift motion but it's too dark me for me to make out any details expect for his dark silhouette and the wide planes of his shoulders.

"You can take off anything you want. I won't touch you, " I say and roll over on my side of the bed.

"I wouldn't mind it, " I hear him mumble but he complies, the sound of his belt unbuckling echoing against the room.

The bed dips under his weight as he occupies its other side and I feel more than hear the fall and rise of his chest, the labored breathing coming to a steady rhythm.

Two strong hands clasp around my waist and I'm pulled backwards into his chest. I don't push him off. I let him hold me to himself, caged by his body, by the feeling of him; his bare chest, his bare legs, his long hair tickling the back of my neck.

Everything is going to be okay.

I'm okay.

"Jojo?"

"Hm?"

"Do you care about me?"

I smile. " More than I'd like to admit."

He kisses the nape of my neck and pulls me harder against himself. It's not long before sweet, calm sleep sneaks its way into into our bodies.

~ JUNGKOOK ~

It's not the sun the one that wakes me up, despite it having been up for a while, not even the sound of the cars honking in the distance. It's the gentle caress of skin on skin, making goosebumps rise and my eyelids flutter.

I slowly crack one eye open and the smile that blooms on my face is automatic. Jojo's cuddled up on her side right next to me, her head laying between my chest and shoulder, arms splayed out to hug my torso like a teddy bear. But what really does it for me is her left leg thrown across my side. She keeps moving in her sleep and it's doing things to me. I can't breathe.

I suddenly realize that I'm only wearing my boxers. Nothing else.

Oh God.

I lift a shaky hand and try to detach her leg but my fingers linger for too long and she suddenly stirs. Her lips nudge my chest and unconsciously give the latter a tender kiss. Her eyes slowly open. For a moment it looks like she doesn't know where she is but then the realization dawns on her.

"Good morning."

Shit.

Her raspy voice only makes it harder for me to keep myself collected.

"Morning, " I manage.

She sits up and drags a hand through her hair, frustrated. "Why is your nice body the first thing I see? I'm jealous, " she huffs.

I open and close my mouth like a fish, caught on the spot. I'd never thought of my body as particularly nice. "It does its job so yeah, I guess, " I admit aloud.

At that her eyes drag down to a very unholy spot in between my legs. She smirks. " Oh, it does its job, alright. I think you have some problems with morning wood, my boy."

I grab the sheets on the side and swing them over my legs, embarrassment setting my face aflame.

She bursts out laughing. "Relax. It's not like I've never seen a guy with no pants before. Though, I'm kinda disappointed. I was expecting for you to have Lighting Mcqueen patterns on your underwear. " She shakes her head mockingly. "They're so plain."

I uncover my legs once again and this time I don't care. Let her see whatever she wants.

She stops laughing. Gives another glance to the crime scene. Gulps. "Yeah, like I said. Plain."

This whole exchange is so entertaining, I feel my insides flutter with joy. Last night's episode is forgotten in a ditch with no problem. We're back to the old times.

I get up and pace around the room, in search of a glass of water. My throat is parched.

"You know what? Go take a cold shower. All that–" she gestures toward my middle with a wave of her hand, "– is distracting me."

I stop pacing. "You know what? I'll put some pants on if you put some food on your stomach. That's a fair deal."

The color completely drains from her face, replaced by a dark expression that seeps the life out of it. Regret weighs me down.

"I'm never eating again, " she says, while her eyes bore holes into the floor. " Not until I reach my goal weight."

I  drag a hand across my face and rub it. Hard. My sanity is on the brink of falling apart. "Then what are you gonna do?" I ask, frustration finally creeping on my voice. "When you get to your goal weight."

She shrugs. "I'm just gonna keep being unhappy, I guess."

It's the way she puts the words out there so easily that draws the line for me. So carelessly, like I mean nothing to her. Like she means nothing to herself.

"This is ridiculous. You know you're harming yourself and you still keep doing it. You know you're not gonna change anything in the end and you still keep doing it. I don't get it."

"Oh yeah?" she spits, her own voice full of poisonous venom. "Why do you keep living if you know you're gonna die one day? Huh, Juan? Why do you do it?"

"This is killing you!"

"I don't care!"

I flinch. It takes me a while to gather myself before I muster the strength to spell out the next few words. "I don't even know why I care about you when you don't even care about yourself."

Her lips curl into a half smile but it doesn't exactly reach her eyes.

"You're right, " she says. "I don't."

Silence.

"Maybe you should go now."

I look up into her face but she's not looking at me, too focused on a spot on the wall. She's telling me to leave. To get the hell out of here. I'm suddenly realizing the absurdity of all this —me shirtless and half nude, boxers stuck to my body like gauze, having a fight with the girl I love with all my heart. I realize the enormity of it. Of how much I love her, of how much I'm hurt by seeing her hurt and I choose to leave.

I pick up my pants from where they lay carelessly on the floor and put them on in excruciating slow movements. I grab the belt and the T-shirt and make my way out of the apartment. Her eyes never leave that spot.

I shut the door behind me and lean my head on its cool ugly surface.

What an ugly mustard -yellow door.

" Jojo, don't do this, " I say, loud enough for her to hear. "Come on, please."

No answer.

The anger falls off me in waves I can't control, swallowing me whole until my eyes see black. I kick the door so hard, my leg grows limp. Another punch and I think I've cracked the wood but I don't care. I don't give a shit. I scream and slam my fists and palms like a madman throwing a tantrum.

"Dammit! Why do you keep doing this?! Stop it, damn you! You're hurting yourself for fuck's sake!"

"You're hurting me, " I add in nothing more than a whisper, my voice already hoarse.

The door never opens.

~ JOJO ~

The door opens easily with just a push of my fingertips. I try to look uninterested but my restless eyeballs betray me in an instant, scanning the coffee shop in all four directions within seconds. I'd spent the whole night spacing out while sitting at the foot of my bed on the floor. I'd never felt so much regret, so much of it that it had felt like I was drowning–

"He's not here." A voice startles me out of my thoughts and I turn around to find Kwan looking at me with something that looks similar to pity.

I blink. "What?"

"Jungkook, " he explains. " He's gone."

My heart falls into the bottom of my feet and I suddenly can't keep the panic from tainting my voice. I grip Kwan's shoulders. "Where?"

"Woah, calm down! I think he's gone to his parents or something. Boss already gave him permission."

My grip loosens. "Oh."

Kwan blanches but soon a look of genuine concern flashes behind his eyes. "What's the matter? Did you two get into a fight?"

"No, " I deny.

I can faintly make out Kwan's rambling but it sounds so, so far away because soon my ears are thundering.

he's gone he's gone he's gone he's gone he's gone he's gone–

"Jojo."

I'm shook awake, courtesy of my man-handler. He looks truly worried but I just can't seem to care. All I know is that I need to get out, distract myself, do something–

The indecisive old bitch lady steps foot into the shop and I curse her existence and mine altogether. This is so not the time to be arguing over extra menus.

She takes her usual seat with an excessive amount of unnecessary grace and looks at me pointedly, waiting to be tended to.

I smile. "Welcome, Mrs. Park."

* * *

Everything feels empty, blurred around  the edges.

Meaningless.

I finally realize how important purpose is and how everything we do is driven by it.

Lately I've been walking in circles, wandering like a fly trapped inside a jar, not knowing where I am or what I'm doing.

I'm just there.

I never eat anymore. I never drink. I savor my body like an untouched temple and hope against hope that I'll get better.

It's okay if I'm not. I can't make the difference anymore, anyway. I've spiraled into the bottomless pit of oblivion and the process is slow. It makes me feel numb.

I stare at the rumpled apron laying on the floor along with the rest of the garbage and Ms. Park comes into mind. She hadn't really appreciated my spilling hot tea right onto her chest. The dumb bitch had gotten me fired but it doesn't really feel like a great loss. I'd only worked there because of him, anyway. Him and only him. I never cared about anyone else. But he's not here. He'll never be here anymore.

I fish my phone out of my pocket and make use of the sudden memory to type down his number. I have it memorized by now. The line beeps.

"Hey."

My heartbeat spikes in excitement. "Hey yourself," I reply hastily but my voice cords haven't been used for days, so it sounds more like a rasp. I clear my throat.

"How's it going?" he asks. Casually. Like he would a friend. I missed hearing his voice.

"Good. You?"

"Same."

I bite my lower lip anxiously. I don't like his answers. I don't like how short and clipped they are. Clipped. Nipped. Chipped. Ripped. Zipped–

"So, the guys have been wondering when you'll be back, " I lie.

I hear him release a subtle sigh. "Oh. I don't really know, honestly. I've been hanging out with my parents and they plan on keeping me here for a while longer."

I nod my head slowly then remind myself he can't see me. "Right. Right, you must've missed them."

White noise.

Hmmm.

What else rhymes with noise?

Choice.

Boys

Toys

Turqoise–

"Well, have fun."

"Thanks......um, are you oka–"

I end the call.

he's gone he's gone he's gone he's gone he's gone he's gone he's gone–

i told you he doesn't give a shit

"I never said I did, " I reply without looking.

you hoped, though

"Shut up."

laughter

you do realize you're pathetic, right?

I turn my head to the mirror. "Shut the fuck up, you fucking bitch! Shut it!"

I spit and throw whatever I can get my hands on it but there's a smile there that I just can't see.

what rhymes with smile?

aisle

bile

rile

guile

worthwhile–

I scream and yell. I rip the sheets of the bed, swipe off the contents of my desk, punch and punch the mirror till my hands are raw and bleeding a waterfall. I kick and thrash with every ounce of strength left in me but there's no use.

She's still smiling at me.

* * *

I'm sitting down on the floor, surrounded by a pool of my own insanity. I can't tell how many days have passed and my cheeks feel surprisingly moist. Have I been crying?

There's no one else around here.

It doesn't matter. I like being alone.

It feels nice to just be with your own thoughts, not having to fear being overheard when you scream ideas and screenplays in your room. You can just be yourself and enjoy doing the things you like the most. But still, sometimes it gets really lonely and not just in the literal sense. I'll always check the dark corners to see if someone's there, I'll always feel like someone's whispering, saying bad things about me, that coat hanged on the rack will always look like a person and then I'll even start getting scared of my own shadow, my head will always shake uncontrollably when I'm crying because there won't be anyone to hold it for me, anyone to assure me that things are gonna be okay.

I don't like being alone. It's not nice.

I glance at the broken mirror, bloody cracks and lines making up the whole of it. There's only one spot in the corner that remains clean and untouched. A smile attached to it.

I realize now. Why she wouldn't go away. The reason why I could never win this war was because the enemy I was fighting against was none other than myself. She was no stranger. She was me. No matter how much we tried, me and my own  resemblance would still be standing at the end of the day. If i was alive, she was alive. It was like a symbiotic relationship, a Yin to the Yang. We kept each other afloat and neither could exist without the other.

he's happy.

"I know, "

without you

"I know, " I repeat.

is that enough proof for you?

"It is."

then do it

"yes."

I rise from the floor and blindly look for my phone in the midst of all the trash. It's nowhere to be found. I then turn around and grab hold of the old telephone hanging on the wall. It stands out, an ancient relic hard to be found these days. I roll the numbers by memory. The line crackles for a couple of seconds before a familiar voice breathes into it. My chest constricts as I let out a pathetic whimper. "J– Jungkook... I'm sorry."

I don't give him time to answer, slamming the phone down with a loud ring.

it's over it's over it's over it's over i'm sorry i'm sorry i'm sorry i'm sorry

Big, fat tears trickle down my cheeks and chin and I do nothing to stop them. I whimper and whine as I head for the bathroom, reaching up with my toes to get the pills I'd hidden all these weeks. They're still here.

Waiting for me.

~ JUNGKOOK ~

I'm running as hard as my legs can take me but it's not really me doing it. It's my impulses being triggered with full force, struggling for survival. I'm completely detached from my body, my mind going through only one simple rule : I have to make it on time.

I don't even notice the heavy torrents of rain blurring my vision, making my feet trudge with difficulty. I don't even notice the people I push harshly out of my way or the red stoplights blinking past me. My eyes are focused inwardly like a camera, set on breaking through the sea of umbrellas.

please please please please

I repeat the word like a mantra in my head, praying against whatever odds that she will be okay when I get there, that she won't do what I think she intends to do.

please please please just not that anything but that please make her be alright

If only I could've hurried earlier, she wouldn't have had the chance to say those things. To say my name.

It was the first time she'd said my name. My actual name. Those few seconds hearing the syllables tumbling from her lips had been pure bliss to my ears, only to be ripped apart with the realization that she was pleading.

She doesn't answer the phone. I curse myself to hell and back. I should've told her I was coming today. I should've told her I was only two blocks away from her apartment and that all this time far from her had been nothing but torture. There hadn't been a moment when I didn't feel her absence or when I didn't wonder what she was doing. I should've told her I regretted every single word I'd sa-

Something slams against my arm. I fall onto the rough asphalt but I'm on my feet in seconds. The man I'd run into stares at me in anger but I can't  deal with his shit right now, so I push him blindly, my feet already finding their footing. "Out of my fucking way!" I yell at him without looking.

I run and run and run until I can't feel my calves and my jacket is soaked through.

Drip

Drip

Drip

please don't die

drip

Her apartment building zooms into view. I punch buttons and take the stairs by four.

please

stay alive

please

Mustard yellow door.

I don't wait to check if it's open, kicking the lock open immediately.

Things happen in a blur, straight out of a dream. I kneel to the ground, forcing her mouth open. Her tear-stained face spits the pills reluctantly and then she tries to push me off as hard as she can. I knew she'd do this. I just knew it. I had seen the pills standing on the drawer for days, weeks. I knew how she gave those bruises to her body, how she tortured herself by her own will.

"NO! GET THE FUCK OFF OF ME!"  I hold her hands down and bend them behind her back but she keeps screaming and it's like all hell has broken loose. "FUCK OUT OF HERE! YOU HAVE NO RIGHT!"

I squeeze her hands tighter and I can suddenly hear myself crying, fully sobbing my heart out and then she's crying too and we're both sitting on the floor like two poor beggars with our limbs awkwardly splayed out.

"That's my decision, Jungkook.  You can't take that away from me, " her muffled whimpers are heard as I lean her head on the crook of my neck.

I release her hands, which soon find their way around my neck, hugging my body till we fit perfectly together.

"Jojo."

I pull back just a few inches, capture her face with my palms and kiss her like there's no tomorrow.

~ JOJO ~

Do you know that feeling of finally getting home after a long trip, of how your body relaxes upon finding its lost familiarity? That's exactly what courses through my body right now, except that it's multiplied tenfold, to the point of numbness. I'd missed sensing his body beside mine. I'd missed his dark locks tickling my neck, his soft lips, but more than everything, I'd missed having him here. With me.

It's hard to believe the number of things that have happened today. It feels like I'm watching the scene unfold in front of me like a spectator and wonder if it's just a figment of my imagination. And the way he is kissing me..... It feels brand new. Desperate in more ways than one. He morphs our lips together as if they are made of clay and his hands start feeling around my body, begging for some purchase.

I don't realize the fact that I have started crying. Silent tears tumble down my cheeks, wetting his own face with their saltiness. I can't control them. I can't stop them. And Jungkook understands that. He pulls roughly at my bottom lip and suddenly lets go, creating a gap between our bodies. I can't help but feel that I must look like a little child in his eyes right now; grubby, disheveled, teary-eyed...

And then he's looking at me dead in the eye, beyond my appearance, beyond my outer core, cutting through weeds and vines growing inside my soul. "I know none of the things I say will ever convince you. So, I won't be using any words."

He slips my left sleeve from my shoulder, exposing the skin underneath. His head lowers down to it and gives it a feather-light kiss.

I stare at him in confusion but he chooses to keep silent. His eyes never leave my face, even when he starts repeating the action with my other sleeve, rolling my whole shirt up and off my body. He discards each piece with surprising gentleness and that's what makes my tears fall even more violently. He's so kind.

So good to me.

And he's taking off my pants.

I instinctively tense and Jungkook makes an obvious pause, letting me make my choice. The rigidity dwindles away and a flash of relief passes behind his eyes. I close my eyes and then he moves on with his graceful touches. I'm lain down into the bed, my hair fanned out behind me like a halo, and he slowly crawls on top, observing his work of art with a look of genuine satisfaction.  His clothes are gone before I can blink and he slowly dives in for the sensitive part of my neck, breathing it in.

"Beautiful," he mumbles against my throat. My body convulses with whimpers. He nuzzles his way up until his lips are meshed against mine.  "Touch me, " he whispers.

My breath hitches but I raise my hands that had so far lain on my sides and put them on each side of his face. "Jungkook."

He smiles and my heart bursts into a million fireflies. "I like it when you say my name."

"Jungkook,"  I repeat.

He drags those sinful lips down through valleys and crevices, leaving soft kisses in their wake, tracing every inch of my skin, tracing every bruise, every wound, every trace of self-harm. I am nothing more than a hot pool of lava. I do not own a body anymore. Or rather, I feel each sensation being magnified into infinity and I can no longer tell where my body starts nor where it ends. I feel too much. I feel everything. And I am not ashamed of this mundane mass of flesh and bones and blood.

I kiss back.

That's all it takes for him to finally let himself go freely. No obstacles. No barriers. I am free of the voices in my head, free of my fears and judgment.  It's like we want to devour each other, drain every single drop until it is the only thing our tongues can taste. I don't really care about anything else right now. I wanna forget about it all and just focus on the soft texture of his lips ghosting the skin on my neck and then going stronger and wilder and swallowing it up till I can feel the delicious sting of pain. We fight. We love. We pour our hearts out like a warm waterfall. And as our bodies tangle restlessly with each other, sticky with sweat, I go through an indescribable ecstasy. Something I've never experienced before.

Acceptance.

_____________________

EPILOGUE

I'd never imagine the storm would go on all night but it somehow did. As I lay in my bed, feet tangled up with someone else's, I hear the distant rumble of faraway clouds first thing in the morning. If it weren't for my daily habit of waking up early, I wouldn't have even bothered cracking my eyes open. The sun remains hidden in some corner as the dark gray sky salutes me instead.

I like it. This mood. It's cozy and warm and safe .

I turn my head on the side and almost melt. He's sleeping like a baby. Eyelids relaxed, lips slightly open, an angelic expression on his face. Pretty.

"That's bold, coming from you, " his lips spell.

I lightly gasp as I realize I've said the word out loud. "I thought you were asleep." As if by instinct, my hand slides up into his face, gently caressing it.

Jungkook grabs my whole arm and pulls me towards him, giving the edge of my jaw a kiss. "I was kinda faking it."

I kick his butt with the sole of my foot. "You prick! Stop playing!"

The whole bed shakes from his laughter as he massages his poor backside. "Did you sleep well?" he asks.

I smile. "Mhmm."

Jungkook mirrors my expression, but it somehow looks more devilish on him. "I'm sure you did."

"Shut up, Jungkook."

He smiles again, genuinely this time and turns, facing the ceiling with his eyes closed. "I really like it when you say my name."

"Jungkook," I whisper. A pause. "Jeon Jungkook."

His eyes open. "Yes?"

"You know, the night before I met you, I was about to kill myself."

His body goes rigid, but I continue. " I don't know why I didn't do it. Then, the next day I met you and it was like it just slipped my mind. The thought was no longer there.  So I came at that coffee shop every day, hoping I could see you. You weren't some kind of prince charming or anything. It's not like I looked at you and knew we were meant for each other or that kind of bullshit. I just liked looking at you. One glimpse was enough. It made me feel better somehow. It felt.... nice. But the moment we stopped looking at each other it all came flooding back. That longing to die. I turned back to my starting point."

Jungkook's arms envelop me and I feel my bones shatter. "I'm sorry," I whisper, barely a breath.

He caresses my bare shoulder. "There's nothing to be sorry about. It's okay now. I'm here. It's over."

I throw my arms around his neck and hug him tightly. "Don't leave."

"I won't."

We stay like that for a while, holding each other in our arms and relishing the sweet silence of early morning. Until-

"Hey Jungkook, you know how you're hot and cute at the same time?"

"Don't do it, Jojo. I'm telling you, don't-"

"Hute."

My obnoxious laughter annoys the hell out of him, but he eventually joins me.  I smile to myself.

The old back me is me but more different than ever. I want to go through a deep cleansing. I want to throw away all the trash that has been accumulating in my house and my very soul.

A new person.

A new life.

A new me.

I can't promise I' ll make it in the end but I can promise I'll try.

"You know, " Jungkook says, "you turned out to be much more different than I thought you'd be."

I turn his face to him. "Did I meet your expectations?"

He smiles. "No. You exceeded them."

#jungkook fanfic #jungkook fluff #jungkook imagines #jungkook scenarios #jungkook #jeon jungkook #bts fluff #bts fanfic #jeon jeongguk #kookie #kook #jk #bts #btsfanfiction #bangtanfic #bangtan #btsimagines #bts scenarios #bts story #jungkook story #bangtan imagines #bangtan scenarios #bangtan fluff #bangtanff #bangtan sonyeondan #bangtan ff #jungkook ff #jungkook fanfiction #bts ff #jimin

[harringtonstudios]

you’re perfect.

plot: the famous life isn’t for everyone, sometimes the comments can get to you.

A/N: i got distracted while working on a request haha! let me know your feelings :) 

reminder: you are all beautiful the way you are, no matter what anyone says. there is inner beauty hiding in corners of your skin, and outer beauty glowing, lighting you up.

taglist: @iamdorka​ @no-shxt-sherl​ @bakerkells​ @lovemythsworld​ @rosegoldrichie​

Dating a celebrity came with its own struggles. You’d been with Machine Gun Kelly for almost a year now after meeting him through a mutual friend. It had all been surreal, you’d know this kid since high school and now he was playing guitar on stages with actual rockstars. He’d invited you to a recording session where he had introduced you to Kells.

It had been a rollercoaster after that, flying across the country to go on dates, sitting backstage at rock shows, getting to hang out with this generation’s greatest artists. You two had made it official after six months of the coolest dates you’d ever been on in your life. Honestly, half the time, you’d have preferred to sit on the couch and watching a shitty Netflix special, but you knew this was his lifestyle and you didn’t really mind. 

That was until the paparazzi started.There had been nights where both you and Kells had been fucked up, tripping on some kind of drug, trying to walk your way across the path to the Lyft you had ordered as people gathered around you shouting. Other days, you would be enjoying a bagel, laughing at Colson’s dumb jokes when a camera would come straight into your face, asking you about rumors. Once, you both had just left his house when three reporters had stopped you in your tracks, focusing their cameras on you as they started filming. Those days you would feel thrown into the spotlight, awkward in your skin, bees buzzing in your mind.

You had tried to get use to the ugly comments and the nasty posts that came with dating Colson. It was hard at first, trying not to search your name and see what came up. Sometimes you wouldn’t even have to search, people would tag your Instagram in posts, making fun of the way you looked on a certain night or criticizing your features. You didn’t really fit the criteria of being famous, a bit bigger than the models that usually walked around in LA, acne scars dotting your cheeks, frizzy hair usually flying around your head. 

In the beginning, it had gotten to you fast. People calling you talentless, spamming your comments with gold digger, theorizing on twitter that your relationship wasn’t real because why would Kells fuck with a girl like that? 

It had hurt, left you spiraling, spending days sitting next to Colson in the studio completely numb. You would just sit on the couch, scrolling through comments, trying not to let your insecurities get the best of you. The fans weren’t necessarily wrong, you didn’t have a special talent, you weren’t beautiful by any standards, and you had kinda just showed up out of nowhere. 

-

Sipping on the coffee Colson had bought you this morning, your eyes widened as you stopped at a particular comment. The user had typed it in all caps, screaming through the screen about your weight. It was on a picture Colson had taken of you, sitting in a bathtub, bubbles sitting on top of your head. You read the comment once, twice and then suddenly your phone was being taken out of your hands. 

“Baby, I asked if you wanted to go on a walk with me?” Colson repeated, looking down at you while loosely holding your phone in his hands. 

“Uhm, yeah,” you mumbled, reaching up to grab it.

“Nope, this is a no-phone walk,” he responded, turning around to put your phone down on the table. As soon as he lifted the screen up to his face, you grimaced knowing he was going to see the comment you’d been looking at for the past five minutes. 

“Wait, what the fuck,” he murmured, running his thumb over the screen. “Who the fuck wrote this,” he scoffed, turning back around towards you. 

“It’s not important. C’mon let’s go on this walk,” you responded, trying to smile as you got off the couch. 

“Nah, we’re not going anywhere till I find out who’s been talking shit about you online,” he said, plopping himself down on the couch. 

“Cols, it’s not that serious. I mean it, I don’t even read that shit,” you tried to distract him, extending your hand out to get him back up. 

He gave you a look over your phone screen, and you could see the anger brimming in his eyes. You sighed, sitting down next to him. You two weren’t going anywhere soon. 

Kicking off your shoes, you pulled your legs under you, shifting to face him. “I just get a couple of mean comments every now and then. People hate on things they can’t have, you know?” you tried to rationalize, watching him scroll through your comments. 

“Baby. These aren’t just a few. What the fuck, why didn’t you say anything,” he looked up straight at you, and you looked down at your lap trying to avoid eye contact. 

“Cause I mean they’re not wrong,” you muttered under your breath. 

“What?” he questioned, leaning down lower to catch your eyes again. 

“Nothing, what would have happened if I told you huh? You would have beat up the big, bad bullies? Newsflash, not everyone is going to just fucking love you,” you bit out, voice cracking as you tried to fight through the feeling in your throat. You didn’t want to cry, not here in his studio. 

He was quiet for a beat, then two and you bit your lip, knowing you had fucked this up. 

“I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to say that,” you mumbled out before continuing, “they’re just internet trolls. I’m really trying not to let it get to me. I’m trying hard, but some people are just mean and I can’t fix that.” 

He cleared his throat and then you could feel his arm wrapping around you, pulling you closer. You moved in, shifting so that you were pressed up against his side. Your head rested right around his shoulder, and he softly pulled at your hand. You could see your fingers shaking just a little and you were so tired of letting everything get to you, so you closed your eyes, letting your head fall back. His fingers intertwined with yours and you could feel him rubbing at your knuckles. 

“You’re fucking perfect. Everything I’ve ever wanted and needed in my life. There’s nobody else I’d rather be with,” he spoke into your ear. 

Your eyes were still closed, but you felt a blush rise on your cheeks as he continued. 

“All these flaws they comment on? I love them all. You’re just so real, realer than anyone I’ve met in this city.” 

You felt his fingers touch your chin, slightly tilting your face to see his. Opening your eyes, you saw the clarity in his blues. 

“I think I love you,” you blurted out, eyes widening when you realized what had just fell out of your mouth. He let out a little laugh, and you could feel yourself turning even more red, burning up. 

“C’mere,” he mumbled, squeezing your hips a little, pulling you even closer. He kissed you, hand resting on your warm cheek, stroking his thumb back and forth as you kissed back. The words sat unspoken between you. He wouldn’t say it yet, you knew it, but you could feel something loosely resembling love as he pushed into the kiss, breaking off only to kiss your forehead. 

“Why don’t we show these haters something,” he muttered, moving his hips up so that he could get his phone out of his back pocket. 

“Ayo, Rook, bring your ass here,” he shouted, and you heard a cymbal crash followed by the studio door opening. You laughed as Rook showed up, beanie skewed on his head. 

“Take a coupla picture of us,” Kells instructed, throwing his phone up in the air. Rook caught it and then you were being lifted onto Colson’s lap. 

“Hmm?” you whispered, as he placed both his hands on your hips. 

“Kiss me,” he responded back, smirking and you smiled. Kissing him softly, you cupped his face in your hands. You could hear the sound of Rook taking pictures in the background and you couldn’t help but laugh just a little as your lips met Colson’s. 

“Get a room fuckheads,” Rook shouted before lobbing the phone back your way. It hit the couch and you broke the kiss off, reaching for it. Before you could get it, Colson grabbed it, laughing as he looked at his camera gallery. 

“Holy shit, these are GOLD,” he barked out, swiping. 

“Lemme see,” you reached out your hand, trying to get a glimpse. 

“Nope, you just have to wait,” he winked as he opened up the Instagram app. A part of you tremored with the anxiety of it all, you got enough hate without being publicly posted on his social media, but another part of you was excited, knowing that no matter what you had Colson on your side. 

A minute later, he nudged your shoulder with your phone and smiled as you took it off his hands. Going on Instagram, you went to his profile. Laughing, you clicked on the picture he had posted. Your hands were on him, focused on kissing. One of his hands was wrapped around you, while the other flipped the camera off. The caption read, “None of y'all got anything on her.” 

You liked the photo before grinning at him. “You’re my knight in shining armor,” you said in a mocking tone, raising your hands to your chest, posing. 

“Well then princess, let’s go slay the dragon,” he responded before picking you up. 

“Colson, wait, my shoes,” you shouted, laughing as he brought you to the door. 

Everyone needed a little reassurance sometimes, and your goofy boyfriend knew exactly how to cheer you up. There was nothing better than this and your heart beamed at the pure love you felt from him. Flaws and all, you had something special here and you had never felt this happy before.

#feeling insecure lately so i decided let's play around #mgk imagine #mgk icons #mgk lyrics #mgk fanfic #mgk fanfiction #mgk x reader #colson baker #colson baker x reader #colson baker fanfiction #colson baker imagine #colson baker fanfic #machine gun kelly imagine #machine gun kelly x reader #machine gun kelly fanfiction #machine gun kelly fanfic #rookxx #rook #m writes 4 mgk #m-writes-4-mgk

[stormkrigeren]

Whumptober Day 1!

Link to the Ao3: https://archiveofourown.org/works/34210837/chapters/85120435

Title: Bound - Lois

Prompt: No. 1 ‘All Trussed Up And Still Nowhere To Go’ - “You have to let go”, barbed wire, bound

Word Count: 2475

Lois preferred rope over handcuffs, and duct tape over rope. Duct tape was best because it was surprisingly easy to break, but she was rarely lucky enough to be tied up with it. Lois could tell that today wasn’t her lucky day the moment the goon wrapped a length of plastic boating rope around her wrists and yanked it tight.

She loved her job. The title of ‘investigative reporter’ practically gave her a free pass to be as nosy as she liked (and Lois was admittedly quite nosy) while also revealing the truth on a variety of issues, affairs, and dealings. No one would blink twice if she walked into a warzone or gang territory or some crooked mogul’s office with a pen handy and far too many questions in her head, and no one was surprised when her life was threatened only for her to diffuse the situation a few minutes later. That was just how Lois worked, and she loved it.

The one and only issue with her job was the fact that if her life wasn’t being threatened, her freedom probably was. Sometimes it would just be a threat to get her so discredited that no one would ever publish her works again, removing her freedom of speech, but Lois was good at her job and no one ever found anything to discredit her on. So more often than not whatever fraudulent idiot she had revealed that day would instead tie her up and leave her in a warehouse somewhere until either the police or her boss showed up with a ransom because investigative reporters, especially ones named Lois Lane, were surprisingly valuable (the highest number she’d ever heard was close to a million, which of course didn’t pan out, but it was interesting to think about).

Today had started out pretty normally - Lois had woken up, gotten ready for the day, and taken the subway to work like she usually did. Upon arriving at the Daily Planet’s Head Offices in the Upper East Side of the city, she had clocked in and gotten to her desk with the intention of kicking off the work day with a little bit of research and note-taking in preparation for her interview with some S.T.A.R Labs higher-ups that afternoon. The company had received a contract from the Department of Defense to investigate and research the Kryptonian scout ship that had crashed in downtown Metropolis and was now in government custody. Any Kryptonian 'artifacts’ found in or around the ship were catalogued by S.T.A.R Labs before being transferred to various labs and other research companies around the nation for studying, the biggest transfers usually being made to the S.T.A.R facilities in Central City and Metropolis, and third-party contractors such as Kord Industries, LexCorp, and WayneTech. The distribution of findings for individual research was all well and good, but a whistleblower had recently come to Lois with some disturbing finds: some of the artifacts, especially alien weapons, were disappearing from large shipments without a trace.

When the time of the interview drew near, Lois checked in with Perry before catching a taxi to the S.T.A.R Labs headquarters downtown. Her appointment was with a few scientists from the company’s board of directors that worked with the Kryptonian scout ship the most, and luckily for them, all three of them had enough tact to not back out of the meeting when they realized that the reporter the Daily Planet had sent over was in fact a lady on the high road to a Pulitzer Prize. A board room was procured for their usage, and Lois, being well-familiar with the drill, started her recording app, pulled out her notes, and started doing what comprised the bulk of her job as an investigative journalist: asking questions.

How was work on the Kryptonian scout ship progressing? Had any significant discoveries or breakthroughs been made so far? What sort of artifacts were they dealing with, and how did they decide which ones to distribute for outside research? Were the scout ship’s contents primarily weapons, or other items? What was the company’s response to rumors about misplaced shipments?

The scientists happily answered her questions, occasionally going off on a tangent about some discovery or the supposed usage of some unknown object but otherwise provided Lois with some pretty good fuel for her next article up until she came to the final question. All three of the researchers shifted uncomfortably in their seats and exchanged the briefest of nervous glances before Dr. Rhems, the head consultant for their Kryptonian armaments division, launched into a spiel about how their cataloguing system was infallible and they had not seen any evidence that items were missing, the rumors had to be false or else they would have known. To solidify his claim, he even offered to show her their records and prove that whatever data people were basing their opinions off of had to be wrong. Lois immediately took him up on the offer.

Taking his fellow scientists’ leave, Dr. Rhems led her through the building before finally stopping outside a door that supposedly led to where the Labs kept their records pertaining to the Kryptonian artifact research program.

“You have to understand, Miss Lane, that S.T.A.R Labs is not the only facility performing research on Kryptonian weaponry,” he explained as he fished a key card out of his pocket, nearly dropped it, and finally managed to tap it against the scanner beside the door, “It’s quite possible that one of the other contractors involved in the program may simply not be cataloguing their artifacts correctly-”

“They are,” Lois snapped back as she followed him through the doorway, “The issue is within your own company. The records available to the public show that half of the missing items disappear while still in your system. I know this seems a little far-fetched, Dr. Rhems, but it's looking like there are some shady dealings going on within your facility to steal Kryptonian weapons, and possibly other items, without your knowledge.”

“That’s impossible! This is one of the most secure facilities in the state, and every one of our employees has undergone rigorous background examinations. Surely this must be some sort of journalistic ploy to discredit S.T.A.R Labs, Miss Lane-”

“With all due respect, Dr. Rhems, please stop trying to dissuade me before I’ve seen your evidence against the so-called ‘rumors’. I’ll make my decision on what to tell the public once you can prove to me that the accusations aren’t true.”

Dr. Rhems paused at that, stopped in front of a laboratory workstation and glanced quickly between Lois and the racks of Kryptonian armaments on the far side of the room - apparently this lab was where they were stored for cataloging and documentation.

“Well,” the doctor said finally, “if you’re so sure you cannot be persuaded...”

The scientist tapped a button on the workstation’s keyboard and Lois distinctly heard the door behind her lock shut with a hydraulic hiss and low shunking sound. Before she even had time to turn around, Dr. Rhems was pulling what looked too much like a genuine Kryptonian sidearm for comfort out of his labcoat and levelling it at her head. There was no doubt in her mind that it was real, and Lois should know - she had used one.

“I don’t want to hurt you, Miss Lane,” Dr. Rhems confessed, “But I am going to have to ask you to comply while Caleb ties you up - don’t want you getting away before we’ve come to an agreement, you see.”

At his behest, mostly because she was unable to do otherwise with a Kryptonian sidearm pointed at her, Lois took a seat in the chair the scientist pointed to and waited in silence to see what he would do next. Dr. Rhems typed another command into the workstation console and the door unlocked to slide open just enough for a nervous-looking intern to slip inside before the door locked shut again. The young man had apparently been given orders to follow them and wait outside the lab until his boss let him in, and after a brief, curious glance in the reporter’s direction, he immediately got to the task assigned by fetching a length of plastic rope - the kind typically used for camping due to its lightweight nature - from a desk drawer and using it to tie Lois’ hands behind her back. Under Dr. Rhems supervision, he tied the knots as tight as he could before proceeding to tie her ankles to the chair legs, and though Lois hated to admit it, she was thoroughly stuck where she was.

“You can’t keep me here for long,” Lois reminded Dr. Rhems, holding back a wince when the uncomfortable cordage bit into her ankles and resisting the urge to give Caleb a solid kick to the nose went he bent down to adjust the rope, “My editor will wonder where I am if I don’t check in soon, not to mention the fact that I’m legally under the protection of both the US government and the Kryptonian remnant. I just have to scream ‘Superman’ and someone will be here within ten seconds.”

If she stated that last sentence a little louder than necessary, Dr. Rhems didn’t notice and simply cocked the blaster (improperly, Lois noted) as Caleb finished tying her up, “You won’t scream. You wouldn’t dare.”

“Maybe I will,” Lois answered, resisting the urge to smirk. Dr. Rhems apparently had enough confidence to do so himself, and shook his head self-assuredly.

“As you said earlier, Miss Lane, you should wait to hear my side of the story before forming an opinion,” he stated calmly, “Let’s start with a simple fact: alien artifacts created in and designed to be used in an environment different from Earth are a little difficult, and expensive, to maintain. Sure, the technology works here, but until we can fully understand it, we have to ensure that it does not deteriorate or lose function when not used properly. I would read you a few excerpts from my paper on the apparent bio-technological advancements in Kryptonian technology that make their mechanism borderline-organic, so simultaneously holding some level of innate intelligence or purpose but also being susceptible to deterioration if not maintained, but we don’t have time for that now.

“Without going into too much detail, S.T.A.R Labs is not getting the funding it needs from the Department of Defense. No significant advances or research is able to be done without money, Miss Lane, and we don’t have a lot of it,” Dr. Rhems continued, “The solution? Getting rid of artifacts we do not have the facilities to maintain while also making a little bit of cash - in short we’ve been selling Kryptonian technology to foreign buyers.”

“You mean stealing and profiting off of property of the US government, not to mention that the UN is currently trying to rule both artifacts and the scout ship itself as property of the Kryptonian remnant,” Lois corrected him. Damn, she was pretty sure she was losing feeling in her hands considering how tightly the intern had bound her, but if she could just slip one hand out of the rope…

“Everyone knows the UN won’t succeed in the ruling - that technology is far too valuable to belong to a couple of do-gooder extraterrestrials,” Dr. Rhems answered, “And before you ask what I’m going to do with you or why I’ve decided to tell you all this, the answers are simple: I’m going to ransom you and get a bit of extra ‘funding’ out of it, and once your ransom has been paid and you are released, you are going to write me an article about the corruption going on in our own Department of Defense that has led to the gross underfunding of essential research facilities such as S.T.A.R Labs.”

“And just who do you think is going to pay my ransom?” Lois asked. Her plan was to keep him talking, keep his focus off her and the fact that after rubbing the skin raw and nearly spraining her wrist, she had just about managed to get her right hand out of Caleb’s tightly-but-poorly-tied attempt at binding her up. Poor kid - he hadn’t done too bad of a job considering that typing would be a pain-in-the-ass tomorrow, but it wasn’t enough to keep Lois off her game. Dr. Rhems was still going off about who he was going to call for the money for her release when she got both hands free, and right on time the thick laboratory door crumpled beneath a hand strong enough to bend steel as Superman himself stepped into the room. Lois wasted no time when the two S.T.A.R Lab scientists were distracted by his arrival, and she lunged at Dr. Rhems to knock the blaster out of his distracted grip, cock it for firing (properly, she noted), and point it at the bastard’s head.

“Well, Dr. Rhems,” she couldn’t help but announce with a smirk, “It looks like I was right about those missing shipments.”

V*V*V*V*V*V*V

It was Perry who picked her up from the S.T.A.R Labs facility after Lois was done giving her account to the police - part of her wished it had been Superman who flew her back to the Daily Planet offices, but he was still busy talking with an officer about the two scientists who had been holding Miss Lane hostage - and after a short drive back to the familiar newspaper building, it was Clark who first noticed the blisters covering her wrists and insisted on getting the first aid kit to treat them. Still, Lois ended up looking after the injuries herself, mostly because Clark, despite his kindness, strength, and adorable handsomeness, was a bit on the squeamish side and still had work to do. It wasn’t the worst she had ever dealt with - her wrists only required some antibacterial cream and bandages, whereas her left ankle had nearly been sprained when she lunged at Dr. Rhems with her feet still tied to the chair and required a bit more care in the form of an ice pack. Despite her injuries, Lois was having a pretty damn fine day - her typing skills weren’t as affected as she had imagined, her phone had still been recording throughout the whole hostage situation, and she had enough evidence pieced together to make the leading story of the evening edition. A sprained ankle and wrists that were raw as fuck after trying to wriggle her way out of plastic boating rope of all things were a small price to pay for the front page.

#whumptober2021 #no.1 #bound #DCEU #Lois Lane #fic #Red Capes #whumptober

[luvdsc]

Any advice for a soon to be high school senior?

omg it’s been four years since I was a hs senior..... this is wild. Thinking back, I think these are what I wish I had known/done! 💗 I hope they’re helpful to you, honey bee ✨

finish your college applications ahead of time — do your college apps during the summer!!!!! i did all of mine in november right before it’s due, and that was so incredibly stressful. i do not recommend doing what i did at all. the online system can actually crash on the deadline due to so many people trying to turn it in, which means you might not even be able to send in your app. please don’t wait last minute to do your apps. this is literally going to affect the rest of your life, so put effort into it and get it done early!

make a list and divide the colleges you want to apply for into backup, safety, and dream — sometimes, people just apply to their dream school only, and when they find out they didn’t make it, they don’t have anywhere else to go. please make sure to have a backup plan! it’s great if you want to go to an ivy league, but you also have to be cautious and make sure that if you don’t get in, you have a backup. i recommend having two backup schools and two safety schools. a backup school is a college you apply to that you know you will get into like 90% sure, and a safety school is one that’s within your reach based on your current school performance and test scores. the dream school is somewhere you’re unsure that you’ll get in, but you really want to go there. i actually only applied to three places, but i made sure i had one of them as my backup school. so at the bare minimum, please have one backup.

be careful of what you post on social media — colleges actually do look at your social media when considering you for their school. you might think they only say this to scare you, but they really do check. i know people who have had their offers taken back because of underage drinking posts or because of something dumb they tweeted, and it’s a stupid ten second decision that caused a lifetime effect.

be mindful of your grades — senioritis is real, and you might start slacking off after getting your acceptance letters, but those colleges still monitor your grades!!! it is very possible that they will take away your offer if you don’t maintain your grades or your gpa drops drastically. continue to put effort into your classes and keep your grades up!

it’s okay to be unsure of your major — it’s a scary thing choosing what you want to do for the rest of your life. i didn’t know what i wanted to major in either and applied with different majors to each place. but it’s also possible to change your major later on, which is what i did twice. also, to be honest, as long as you have some sort of degree, you can make yourself marketable to any job as long as you have the experience to back it up. granted, this doesn’t mean you can suddenly become a cardiovascular surgeon with just an economics degree, but what i mean is that it is very possible to get a job outside of what you have a degree in.

community college is a valid option — there’s nothing wrong with going to a community college if you want to save money or if you’re unsure of what to do. it’s cheaper this way if you finish your first two years at a cc and then transfer to a university, and it’s also a good way to explore your options by taking classes from various majors without paying excessive prices for them.

if you’re unsure about what to major in, research and talk to people with experience — make sure to research your preferred major and understand what you’re going into. don’t just choose it because it sounds impressive. also, there’s nothing wrong with asking for help or advice! talk to people within different fields, ask them what they do at their job, and imagine yourself in their position. would you enjoy doing that type of work?

ask yourself if you’re okay with the salary and lifestyle for your chosen major — this is the reason why i didn’t choose to major in art, even though it’s my passion. i don’t want to be living in a shoebox and having an unstable income based on whether or not i can sell my paintings. it’s why i chose to go into business because i prefer a comfortable lifestyle with a nice apartment, much travelling, and lots of sushi in the future lmao. so please make sure the average job in your field of study will support the lifestyle you want or that you are okay with the lifestyle it supports!

have fun! — it’s your last year of high school, and while it’s important to be careful, it’s still good to have some fun! go to those mixers, football games, and school events!!! ask the person you like to prom because why not?? it’s your last chance! it’s the last year that you’re with all your friends, so enjoy it and make lots of fun memories :’)

#asks #anonymous

[zwritestuff]

Are you doing prompts?? 32F with Lemyanka please?! With all the angst you can manage!

Lemyanka anon here, sorry I forgot!! Can you do 5 times they nearly revealed their feelings to each other but didn’t? X

jesus this got long. i tweaked the dialogue prompt, hope you don’t mind. i’m sorry for the delay!

32. “But do they fuck you like I did?” / F.  N Things (ex: ‘5 times x did y’)

1.

Admittedly, Lemon’s best ideas come to her while she’s drunk - Priyanka, however, is the only exception. 

It was meant to just be a casual thing; they were just friends with benefits and no strings attached. They hung out with the rest of their friendship group with normality, sometimes they went home together and other times they left from the bar with a new stranger. 

Everything was good and emotions were under control, until Lemon realized the tug in her heart whenever Priyanka flirted with other girls.

She texted her one day asking if she wanted to hang out once she was done with her lectures, having decided to tell her about her feelings, and that they should stop sleeping around before Lemon is in it too deep - but Priyanka said she had something lined up already and couldn’t cancel. Lemon brushed it off, saying it was okay and wishing her to have fun, thinking she’d have her opportunity soon.

2.

Priyanka drops the bomb that she’s seeing someone while they’re studying with Rita and Starzy. Lemon’s heart stops for a second, paralyzes mid-movement as she searches for Priyanka’s gaze. She doesn’t seem concerned or awkward at all, and it only adds to the feeling of suffocation invading her.

She rambles about how great she is, and how much she likes her even though it’s been just three weeks since they started seeing each other. The monster of jealousy is fighting to take control over Lemon’s senses, to make her spit bitter words like, “But does she fuck you as good like I did?” 

But she doesn’t. Because she has some dignity left, and their affair was kept from their friends, so it wouldn’t be intelligent to reveal themselves like this.

“Pri,” Lemon calls her once they’re done with their study session, trotting up to meet her. “Can I talk to you for a second?” She tries not to sound too choked up, but it’s easier said than done.

Priyanka stops in her tracks, turning around to see her with a careful look. Lemon has seen that look before, and she hates it. She asks if it has to do with the fact she’s seeing someone, and before Lemon has any chance of replying, she goes on to say that she doesn’t want to make things awkward, and that they can act as if nothing happened if that’s what she wants.

“Woah, I was just going to ask you when are you gonna give me back my yellow dress. I have my brother’s birthday party on Sunday,” she lies with surprising ease, and Priyanka blinks repeatedly, a blush creeping on her cheeks as she tells her she’ll drop the dress by her dorm later today.

3.

Lemon tries to get over Priyanka by downloading Tinder again, but she rarely matches with girls that spark her interest.

Boa’s birthday happens, and they go to a club to celebrate. They get ready in Lemon’s apartment, chaos ensuing as soon as they step foot inside. It’s a welcomed type of chaos, though, one she’s learned to treasure. She gets a call from Priyanka while she’s doing Juice’s make-up, and excuses herself for a moment to lock herself in the bathroom so that she can hear more clearly.

“Pri? Are you coming?” She asks, shutting the door behind her.

“Yeah, I’m on my way. I wanted to ask you if you wouldn't mind if I crashed your place with Tynomi.”

Lemon blinks repeatedly, her mind jumping to the worst of conclusions. “Tynomi?”

“The girl I’ve been going out with,” she explains, and Lemon’s heart aches when she can clearly hear the smile on her face. “I’ve asked Boa if she doesn’t mind her tagging along, and she said it’s fine, but I forgot to ask if she could come with me to your place.”

The grip on her phone tightens, as she takes a shaky breath and steals a glance of herself in the mirror. She wants to scream, tell Priyanka of her feelings, of how she foolishly let herself fall for her and now it hurts her that she’s moved on and she can’t keep pretending that everything is okay. Because it’s not.

“Yeah, sure,” she says instead, reluctantly. 

4. 

Lemon stares at the letter, blinking once, twice, until tears are flooding down her cheeks. She breaks down in the middle of the cafeteria, drawing attention her way, but she doesn’t care. She’ll cry if she wants to - she got accepted into a prestigious dance school in New York with a full ride scholarship. Anyone would cry in her place.

“Girl, are you okay? What did that letter say?” Kiara asks, confused, stroking her back in an attempt to soothe her. All Lemon is able to do is give her the letter, gasping for air. Kiara’s eyes grow wide as she reads the first few sentences. “Holy shit,” she muses.

“What happened?” Priyanka asks, approaching their table with a worried expression. Kiara hands her the letter, as Lemon is still struggling to form coherent sentences. “Holy shit indeed,” Priyanka echoes, looking back and forth between Lemon and the letter. “You’re leaving us?” She asks, with a tone Lemon can’t quite put a finger on.

She simply nods, still too choked up to babble for hours about how this has been her dream since she was a child, and she’s not going to pass up such an opportunity. 

Priyanka looks at her with an indecipherable look before saying, “You deserve it, Lem.”

5. 

The months slip away from Lemon’s fingers, and before she knows it, it’s the night before she leaves for New York. Her parents had been crying all day long in anticipation, repeating over and over again how proud they’re of her. Her friends had treated her to dinner, promising to be there before she boarded the plane.

Priyanka had hugged her tightly when they said goodbye, holding onto her for a second longer than the rest. She took her hands in hers, and Lemon could feel the unsaid words lingering on her lips.

“I’ll miss you,” it was all that she said, letting go of her hands. Part of Lemon wished there would be a heartfelt confession on her side, since she wasn’t dating Tynomi anymore, but it had been foolish of her to think so.

She wants to send Priyanka a text confessing her feelings before she’s in a whole other country for the next three years.

The text is half written on her notes app before she deletes it, turns off her phone and turns around to try to sleep. 

+1.

It’s you. It’s always been you Lem. I miss you. I’m sorry.

Priyanka’s message is two years late, and Lemon can’t help but to shed a tear before she types out a reply.

It was you, too. Was. I’m sorry.

She turns off her phone, not waiting for a reply, and goes back to allowing her fast asleep girlfriend to spoon her.

#asks #anon #fics requests #lemyanka #lemongivesyoulife #priyanka love #rpdr fanfiction #my fanfiction

[wdw-spidey]

Party With My Ex - Corbyn Besson

Summary: You miss your ex and end up seeing him at a party 

Warnings: Anxiety attack 

Word count: 2.3k 

(This is honestly one of my favourite things I have ever written) 

**

He looked good, healthy and happy even though it hurt to admit it. I quickly turned around going into the closest room I could find around me that was empty. Once I found a room that seemed empty I shut the door leaning my back against it, I took deep breaths like I taught myself to do when I felt like a panic attack was coming. I glanced down at my phone tempted to text or call my best friend but decided against it. I unlocked my phone scrolling through my pictures, my heart dropping when I saw some pictures of my ex-boyfriend and I. We couldn’t completely avoid us crossing the same paths at some social events considering my best friend was dating his best friend, we got invited to really similar parties, hence why I was in the situation I’m in now. Our relationship in my eyes was perfect, I loved him more than anything, I thought he felt the same way but I was wrong. One day he told me he wanted to be single, to focus more on himself, his career, he didn’t really see a long-term future for us, didn’t see me as part of his ‘growth’. I locked my phone putting it back in the small clutch purse I had brought with me. I put more weight against the door, my breathing was becoming more and more irregular. I looked around me noticing I was in some small library room, a bookshelf against the left wall, windows all along the back wall with a pretty view of the backyard that had a pool, this nice looking fountain type thing and a huge field. I made my way over to the bookshelf looking at the book selection. I wanted to pick one up but I felt like that would be intruding to the party hosts personal space so I didn’t touch anything. I sat down on the chair that allowed me to face the window to enjoy the outside view. A few people were outside, some sitting at the lounge chairs, others in the pool going for a swim. I was just glad nothing reminded me of my ex here. I felt myself starting to calm down but I knew once I’d step back out there and see him again I’d start to freak out.

After a few minutes of being in here I got up making my way out, I opened the door waiting to make sure I wouldn’t crash into anyone when I stepped out, more specifically my ex. Once I was out I made my way to where the kitchen was, I went into the cooler that my friends brought to the party grabbing one of the drinks I brought for myself, I took a sip and stood leaning against the counter that was behind me. Someone tapped my shoulder which made my heart race I looked to where the tapping came from and there stood my best friend.

“How you liking the party?” She asked me and I just shrugged my shoulders.

I didn’t like lying to her but I also didn’t want to hurt her feelings, “It’s good. You know I love being out and social especially when you’re around,” I said forcing myself to smile.

I knew right away that she read right through me and knew that I would be most likely leaving first and not say a word about it. She also knew that I wasn’t really enjoying myself right now.

“Your facial expressions constantly give you away, what’s wrong?” She asked me, changing her position so she was standing in front of me.

“I just… I don’t really feel like partying today,” I replied shrugging my shoulders, I technically wasn’t lying since I would enjoy being in bed, watching tiktoks until I could barely keep my eyes open, that was part of the reason I wasn’t having fun.

“Ok, well, if you want to leave now you can. Please come see me before leaving this time, or at least text me!” She said while putting her hands on my shoulders shaking me a bit, probably trying to get her message across better by doing that.

I nodded my head, but in my mind I didn’t know if I would remember to say bye to her, sometimes it was just so hard to find her when we’re in a house crowded of people with a bunch of rooms that I’m unsure where they lead to.

“I’ll stay with you for a bit,” She said, she grabbed a drink from our cooler, opening it and taking a sip, “Want to go swim?”

I shook my head, “Let’s go watch the beer pong game,” I told her going towards where I’d seen a beer pong set up when we’d got here.

Once I reached the family room where a table was set out I stopped dead in my tracks turning back around which made my best friend bump into me.

“Oh,” She let out once I bumped into her, “Was it not that way?” She asked me backing away from me.

I shook my head, “Uh, no, I mean yeah, it’s that way I just… I need to pee,” I didn’t wait for her to reply, I quickly walked out of there. I wasn’t sure if she knew that I wasn’t over my ex but I didn’t want to talk about it, nor did I really want to think about it right now. I ended up outside in the backyard, barely anyone was out here, just people smoking, nobody was really talking to me. I chugged my drink and sat by the pool with my feet dipped in. I shut my eyes trying to let my mind go blank (which was really hard to do).

“You ok?” I heard someone say beside me.

I looked to where the voice was coming from and there was Daniel, my best friend’s boyfriend, my ex’s best friend sitting beside me. I glanced towards my feet kicking them around in the water, watching the water patterns that were happening from my movements.

“Yeah, I’m fine. I was thinking of having one more drink and then head out,” I said, glancing towards him once.

We didn’t really talk much ever since Corbyn broke up with me but since he was my best friend’s boyfriend, it wasn’t like we completely broke contact.

“Don’t leave without telling any of us, please,” Daniel said, which reminded me of what my friend told me only like 5 minutes ago.

I nodded my head not really knowing what to say after that, hoping he’d just get up and leave but he stayed beside me.

“Is this.. about your ex? Is that why you’re not yourself right now?” He asked me.

I glanced towards the family room window seeing my ex talking to some girl that I couldn’t recognize from here.

“I don’t want to talk about him right now,” I said while changing my gaze to the pool so he wouldn’t notice me looking at him.

“Let me just say one last thing, he misses you, a lot. He wanted to talk to you today but he didn’t really know how, then he realized you’ve been avoiding him all night so he gave up on trying. Before coming here he was on your Instagram profile. He- He feels really bad for breaking up with you, and what he said about not seeing your relationship as something long-term was bullshit. He told me that he wanted to move into a place with you a few days before he broke up with you. I know you don’t want to talk about him but… Maybe you should just go see him if you miss him too, or.. if you want I can tell him you’re out here and he could just.. come out here..” He said. I was shocked, I couldn’t think straight. I glanced back to where he was just before Daniel told me all this and Corbyn was no longer there. I grabbed my clutch (that I somehow haven’t lost yet). I stood up going back inside and rushing to get to the front entrance of the house, going back outside but in the front lawn. I went into my clutch grabbing my phone. I realized I needed to have one more drink so ran back inside going to the cooler grabbing another one of my drinks, drinking it quickly while going back out to the front lawn. I could feel all the memories from Corbyn and I’s relationship coming to my mind, I tried to block it out, I didn’t want to think of him like that right now. I didn’t think this could ever happen.

I did the breathing exercises again, I sat down on the front porch holding on to my phone until my knuckles hurt. I opened up my snapchat to view some of my friends snapchats, I noticed I had a flashback to look on. I went to check it seeing a cute video of Corbyn and I being goofy together, I immediately went off the app. I texted my best friend asking her if she knew about how Corbyn felt. I went into my contacts pressing on Corbyn’s contact. The phone rang probably twice, I was expecting to hear his voicemail message but instead I heard the loud music and people screaming.

“Hi,” I heard him say. I had to lift up the volume on my phone since I could barely hear him.

“I’m outside,” I said not bothering to say anything more.

I wasn’t sure if it was the fact that I was tipsy that I was making this call or if it was because I really had that much faith in our relationship.

“What?” He basically yelled into the phone.

“I’ll text you,” I hung up the phone and texted him telling him I was sitting out at the front porch. Not even 2 minutes later he was outside, his hair a bit of a mess, he had a unopened water bottle in hand, he gave it to me.

“I felt like maybe you’d need this, I know that’s what I did when we we’re dating.. and you’d drink I… Yeah..” He passed his hand through his hair. I grabbed the water bottle opening it and taking a sip of it.

“Thank you, so um.. I talked to Daniel and he said you wanted to talk to me,” I shuffled my feet around trying to distract myself, I hated these kind of conversations, I also hated eye contact during these conversations.

“Can you at least.. look at me please..” He asked, nearly begged me, I bit my lip, forcing myself to stop wiggling and moving my feet around, I looked up at him, his eyes were so intense, I could tell he hasn’t been drinking just from the way he was talking and his breath didn’t smell like alcohol at all, “I- When I said during our break up I didn’t see our relationship being long-term, that.. wasn’t true at all. I was just worried, I was worried because I thought you deserved more, deserved better, I thought I wasn’t enough for you, I  felt like you deserved more attention, I’m constantly working, on tour, I focus so much on work that sometimes, I felt like I was putting you second to work, I felt that was wrong, you deserved more than that. I’m sorry. I.. regret breaking up with you. I’d like to start over.. If you want. I don’t care if we start just by being friends, or if we start dating again, I don’t know, I just.. I’m sorry,” I turned the bottle cap around opening the water bottle and closing it again.

I didn’t really know how to respond, I just opened up my snapchat showing him my flashback story to lighten the mood, and mainly to let myself think of how to respond to that. I never knew he felt that way, I had told him so many times that I understood how much work meant to him and that I didn’t mind that he was so busy, work made him happy and whatever made him happy, made me happy. Once the videos were done he had a huge smile on his face, he seemed a lot more comfortable and less nervous.

“So.. Let me start by saying I’d love to just go back to the flirting stage, the getting to re-know each other I guess, the stage where you prove to me you won’t break my heart, we can go on dates and just take things slow but I won’t be talking to other guys and going on dates with other guys. Corbs, I’ve told you I don’t mind how much you work, I don’t mind how much you’re away from home, we made it work. I didn’t feel like I deserved more. You’re a hardworking guy and I love that about you,” His cheeks went red and I could tell he was really happy with how I responded.

“You were avoiding me all party,” He said breaking our eye contact.

“Because I’ve missed you,” I replied. Now feeling myself start to blush.

“Can I drive you home? I promise I haven’t drank anything,” He told me while digging in his pocket for his keys.

I nodded my head, “This better not be considered our first date,” I warned him a small smile on my face.

“It’s not, go tell Daniel and your friends you’re leaving, I’ll wait here for you,” He told me, stuffing his hands in his pants pocket.

I turned back around my mind rushing, my heart beating fast. I didn’t think this party would turn out this way nor do I think my best friend had thought I’d be leaving this party early to be with my ex but I guess things turn out unexpectedly for some good reasons sometimes.  

#Why Don't We Imagines #Why Don't We Imagine #Why Don't We #Corbyn Besson Imagines #Corbyn Besson Imagine #Corbyn Besson #WDW Imagines #WDW Imagine #WDW #Corbyn Imagines #Corbyn Imagine #Corbyn

[celestenicolegarcia]

New Year, Same me. Where is God?

Have you ever felt like you couldn’t get out of a rut? Like anything that you do that usually makes you feel better... doesn't? Yeah, that is me right now. Not for the past few days, weeks, or months. It has been going on for about a year now. It has officially be a year of Covid-19 this March. I can't even tell you how much my faith has been tested from March 2020 to now. 

So much has happened in my life in-between that time. Losing family and friends to covid, leaving my band to pursue my own ministry, having a boyfriend I thought was different from the rest of the men I have pursued in the past to only break up with him because of his lies and past trauma, gaining about 50 pounds from stuffing my face, to not eating at all as in going on a perfectly tragic binge episode. Let me tell you, it’s been a wild year. People think automatically that this new year of 2021 is going to change it all and most of our issues will magically go away, but they don’t.

Times like these a lot of people are asking ...”where is God?” “why won't He help us?” or as my atheist friends say “why won’t your daddy God help us that is in the sky like you claim he always does?”. Let me tell you straight up, I don’t sugar coat anything that I say. When people ask me such questions as these I straight up tell them, “God is not to be seen, but to be experienced.” “You can't expect God to make miracles if you don’t have a relationship?” How do you expect to hear from God if you don’t talk to Him? 

Let me put this in a more simpler way. In a relationship, ...that requires so much commitment right? As you would with someone you are wanting to get to know, You would ask them questions, Read things that they post about online, Listen to music or watch movies that they like to watch, just so you know what you are getting into by being friends with that person. All in all, you are building a relationship with them. Let me tell you, God is wanting a relationship with all of us, Yes, even those who don’t even know who He is or don’t even believe in Him.

He is waiting patiently by your door, knocking. Not once, not twice, but it could be a thousand times. Sometimes He shows up in our dreams, other times He shows up in the Holy Spirit when you are listening to a friend give you good advice. He is not going to pressure us to have a relationship with Him, He is waiting to be invited in our home, in our life, in our mess. 

Don’t get me wrong, I have had my days to where I have straight up said “Where are you God? Why are you doing this to me? Why am I hurting so badly? Why must I suffer?” and then I think why not me? I can think of a countless amount of times where God has saved me from major events. Almost dying in a car crash. Almost getting pregnant. Almost killing myself but He stopped me. My story and what I have been through has all been and turned out for the greater good of God. 

God doesn’t make these bad things happen to us, the devil does. He has free reign on the world because we are all sinners. We all sin every single day, there is no way to get out of it. Why you may ask? Because we are human. We were created in the image of God but, we have sinned because of the apple. Read Genesis and you’ll learn more about the lessons of good and evil.  Now for someone who isn’t a Christian you might be thinking... The devil Celeste...really? Yes! The devil has free reign on the world that we live in. You have no idea what powerful things are going on in the supernatural realm but there are many things. Of course, God has the say anytime and any place to make something change. It is His world after all. But He can’t change everything in the world and make it perfect. Why? because then if everything was perfect, we wouldn’t NEED a God, a savior, a messiah. Thats why we are here on earth to learn and grow and to see what it means to be one of His children.

When you were a child do you remember that song “He’s got the whole world in His hands?” I know I do. I always thought it was a silly song growing up because I was like how does God have the whole world in His hands? That is too big! God would have to be a giant to do that and it freaked me out so I stopped thinking about it.

It wasn’t until my mid twenties I was born again. That is a whole other story I will get to later on. But the point of what I’m getting here is that yes the world is going crazy right now. There are all of these riots. People killing other people. Racial injustice. LGBTQ injustice. People idolizing presidents and hoping they will change the world like they are our God, but they are not. They are humans just like you and I.

The world is not going to change and it is only going to get worse like the Bible tells us in Revelation 6: 3-4. But there is hope, there is happiness, there is peace, and His name is Jesus Christ. He is there waiting for you. He loves you. He wants to get to know you. He is what happiness is, not your phone, not your money, not your boyfriend or girlfriend, not your husband or wife, not your drugs or alcohol. It is Jesus. He is someone who died to know you and love you. 

If you ever get sad about the world or why your life is so tough, I want you to think of something greater we will get to experience. in Revelation 21:4 it is said “He will wipe away every tear from their eyes, and there will be no more death or sorrow or crying or pain. All these things are gone forever.”

Whoever is reading this today I want you to take this home with you, Talk to Jesus. Tell him what’s going on in your life. He wants to hear from you! He is a parent after all, He wants to hear about your day. Good and bad. Maybe you haven’t done it in a while, thats okay! it's never too late. Just tell him “Whats up Jesus, I know it's been a good minute since we’ve spoke but I wanted to tell you that I need you in my life. I need your love, your reassurance, I want you to show me you are real, prove it to me. Give me a sign. Know I am trying to get to know you.”

That is a great start. Just start talking to Him, if you wanna know more about Him, read about Him in the Bible. Jesus is everywhere in the Bible from the book of Genesis all the way to Revelation! I recommend if you are new to the Bible, get the Bible app. It is free and they have a million versions you can do. I suggest NLT or MSG version if you are doing the Bible app. Those are the easiest to understand.

I hope this message today encouraged you, I hope it would let you know that no matter what hardships you are going through in your life, Jesus hasn’t forgotten about you. I know that, even though I deal with an eating disorder I am trying to beat, heartache from losing people I love, dealing with anxiety and depression, nothing is too powerful to keep me from loving my God  and my God loving me. If it wasn’t for Him, I wouldn’t be here typing this today. 

Much Love,

Celeste

#Christian #Faith #Blog #New #Jesus #Doubt #Trouble #Pain #Suicide #Mentalhealth

[kpoptrashibnida]

Enough Pt. 8

A/N: hey guys, sorry for the delay on this chapter! It has been a crazy time with wild fires and other things going on, but it’s finally here! It’s a little short for my taste, but I hope you guys enjoy it! As always, please don’t hesitate to let me know what you guys think! I’m posting this on Mobile, so once I have access to my laptop I will add the Read More link. Once again thank you for all the support and happy reading!

“Noona, how do you like your new phone?” Mark asked, walking with you out of the conference room and back to your floor.

“It’s fine. I haven’t been able to look at all the specks. The camera quality is good, even though they low key remind me of trypophobia.” You shuddered, making Mark laugh at your description of the newest iPhone camera.

The morning after Mark, Johnny and Jaehyun come over, you noticed you had a text message. To your surprise it was from Chanyeol; and to your mortification, he had answered a text that you had drunkenly sent.

I need to forget about you. Why are you in my head?

Because I’m the best you’ve ever had babe.

Needless to say, you were filled with rage at yourself and at his cocky attitude. You screamed once you realized it actually happened, that it wasn’t some twisted messed up dream. Your brain thought that the only logical action now was to throw your phone across the room, having it crash against the wall, falling to the floor in a broken mess. You had lost your reason, your sanity, your dignity and now your phone. You were screwed and not in the good way.

‘Stupid! Stupid! Stupid! God why did I have to drink so much? Why aren’t there apps that know when you’re drunk and prevent you from drunk texting you ex… or, well booty call I guess? Ugh whatever! Now I have to buy a new phone. ‘

Groaning, you got up from your bed and walked towards your shattered phone, picking it up and inspecting the damage.

“I guess it won’t work if I turn it off and back on.” You muttered to yourself, annoyed at your overall stupidity. You went to the store and got yourself a new phone and as an extra precaution, you ditched your Korean phone number and got a US number. That way, no past lovers could communicate with you and remind you of your poor choices.

“Well noona, we should hang out with Johnny and Jaehyun again, check out just how good the camera quality is.” Mark suggested, really excited at the thought of spending time with his favorite coworkers.

“Sure Mark, whenever I have time we can do that. For now, fetch me some coffee, will you?” You teased as you stopped at your office door, making the young boy roll his eyes.

“I’m not an intern or your errand boy noona, but I’ll do it because you are my favorite old lady.” Mark teased, dodging your foot as you tried to kick him.

“I’m not an old lady!” You yelled at his retreating form, shaking your head at this man-child’s actions.

You sat on your chair and reviewed your notes from the meeting, deciding which tasks to tackle first.

Bring up your planning apps, you started to prioritize your tasks in order to organize your work.

“Knock knock.” Jaehyun said as he stood at your doorway, coffee in hand.

“Hey, what brings you here?” You ask, looking away from your computer.

“I came to bring you coffee. I was getting some and I saw Mark there. I told him I’d bring it to you.” He said, walking into your office and placing the cup in front of you and taking a seat on the chair across from you.

“That’s really sweet of you, thanks.” You said with a smile, grabbing the cup and taking a sip.

“No problem. So, do you have any plans for this weekend?” Jaehyun asked, ears turning bright pink.

“Um, no I don’t. Why?” You asked, heart hammering in your chest.

“Do you want to go out for dinner Saturday?” He asked, looking at you below his eyelashes.

You were stunned, not expecting him to ask you out. Wait, was he? Maybe it wasn’t even as a date, just as friends.

“Yeah, that’d be nice. Where should we meet?” You asked, heart still racing and face heating up.

“I’ll pick you up at 7, sounds good?” He asked, sitting up on his seat.

“Yeah, sounds great.” You said with a smile, excited at the thought of spending time with him outside of work again.

“Cool, it’s a date.” He said, getting up and grabbing his own coffee cup.

“Yeah… it’s, uh, it’s a d-date.” You stuttered as you watched his retreating form, wanting to die from the smile he gave you as he walked out of your office.

‘Oh shit, I’m in trouble.’ You thought, slamming your head on your desk, sighing heavily and closing your eyes for a bit. Before anyone could see you and think you were some weirdo, you sat up and dived right into your work, praying that it would help you not think about your upcoming date with Jaehyun.

***

The weekend was finally here and you were happy, your work week was long and tiring. Friday after work you decided to go shopping, not knowing what to wear to your dinner date with Jaehyun.

You had gone to a cute boutique nearby the office, not wanting to go to Time Square on a Friday night.

The boutique was classy but not over the top, providing the perfect type of clothing for a first date.

After over thinking every choice and making sure you didn’t look like a thirsty hoe, you finally settled on a pretty emerald green wrap dress that hugs your curves in all the right places. It was sexy but decent, the perfect combination for your date.

You stared at your reflection in the mirror, satisfied with your soft curls and simple make up. You took a deep breath and willed yourself to relax, your heart beating abnormally fast. Your attempts were futile when you heard your doorbell ring, signaling that Jaehyun was here. Taking one last deep breath, you made your way out of your bedroom and out to your front door.

“Hey.” You greeted softly, opening the door so he could step into your apartment.

“Hi. Wow, you look amazing.” He said, giving you a hug before he walked in.

“You too.” You compliment, taking in his appearance which consisted of black fitted jeans, black dress shoes and a navy blue button down shirt. He looked amazing and you were really hoping you could hold yourself back from jumping him tonight, cause god knows you wanted to do that right then and there.

“Ready to go?” He asked, swaying on the ball of his feet, looking nervous and excited and all kinds of handsome. God he was handsome.

“Yeah, ready.” You picked up your jacket from your coat closet and headed outside, excited for what the night would bring.

You were trying to behave, you really really were, but Jaehyun was making it extremely difficult by walking slightly in front of you in the crowded sidewalk, his ass looking so good in his jeans. You almost tripped twice because you were staring at his backside and didn’t see where you were going. Once you got to a less crowded area, you fell in step with Jaehyun, his gorgeous backside out of sight.

“So I got us a reservation at a really popular restaurant that opened up recently. It’s supposed to be amazing and apparently a lot of celebrities go there.” Jaehyun said, making simple conversation on your walk from the parking garage to the restaurant.

“Oh really? Which restaurant is it?” You asked curiously. You didn’t know many places in the area yet, but you were excited to try new things.

“It’s called Pulse, it’s supposed to be a cool Asian fusion place.” He stated, coming to a stop in front of the restaurant.

The place was completely packed full, the line was out the door and still went on for a bit. You were surprised to see how many people were here, the place must really be popular like Jaehyun said. The inside of the restaurant was a decent size too, so the line wasn’t there because it was a tiny hole in the wall type of place.

“This is why you need reservations.” He smirked, grabbing your elbow and gently guiding you inside. You tried to ignore the feeling of his hand on your skin, it burned to the touch but in the best way possible.

“Hi, reservation for Jung.” He politely told the hostess, looking at you and giving you a cute smile. You could tell he was excited and that made you smile.

“I’m sorry, what time is your reservation?” The waitress asked, not looking up from her tablet.

“For 8pm. Under Jung.” He said again, brow scrunched in confusion.

The hostess scanned the iPad with rapid eyes, looking for the reservation.

“Sorry Mr. Jung. There must have been a confusion. We unfortunately don’t have a reservation for you tonight.” The hostess said in an apologetic voice, looking a little sheepish.

Jaehyun's ears turned a bright shade of red and you instantly felt bad for him; he seemed so embarrassed and it was an endearing sight.

“Really? Oh man. Is there anyway we could wait and see if anyone doesn’t show up for their reservation?” He asked politely, the crimson spreading from his ears to his neck.

“Absolutely! If you’d like to sit here in the waiting area, I’ll be sure to get you if anything opens up.” She said and motioned for the crowded seated area.

You and Jaehyun made your way there and sat on a couch, pressed up against other people and each other. You looked at Jaehyun and saw how bummed out he looked, it really broke your heart a little.

“Hey, don’t worry about it.” You smiled as you nudged his arm, wanting to reassure him that it wasn’t a big deal.

“I’m sorry I’m just really annoyed. I wanted today to go well.” He said sheepishly as he looked at you.

“It will. Because we are together and that’s all that matters.” You squeeze his balled up fist softly, once again reassuring him that you didn’t mind the inconvenience.

Jaehyun smiles at you and looks into your eyes intently, lingering longer than he allows himself.

He breaks eye contact and looks ahead, feeling his ears get hot again.

After about an hour of waiting, Jaehyun heard your stomach growl and wanted to shoot himself. 9pm is no time to have dinner and he was upset he’d make you wait this long to eat. He excused himself and made his way to the hostess once again, talking with her for a couple of minutes. You saw him take his phone out and look at something on his phone as he spoke to the hostess, while she furiously looked through the ipad. You were confused as to what he was doing, clearly anyone that had a reservation was here and you guys were out of luck. You really didn’t care if you didn’t get to eat there tonight. You just didn’t want Jaehyun to feel bad about the whole situation. First dates usually went bad and at least you two liked each other and wanted to be in each other’s company. After a few more minutes of conversation he walked back to you, giving you a small smile and a shrug.

“No luck. I’m so sorry this turned out horrible.” He said in a defeated tone that made your chest constrict a little bit.

You stood and grabbed his hand, guiding him out of the restaurant and into the chilly night air.

“There’s a really good pizza place nearby, want to go there?” He asked, nervous that you were going to be disappointed of his choice.

“Yes! I haven’t had pizza in forever! And I’ve never had New York pizza before. Let’s go!” You said excitedly, tugging his arm forward.

He couldn’t help but smile at your excitement, genuinely happy that you were so easygoing since he didn’t meet a lot of girls like you.

Your hand was still held securely in his and no one said anything about it. When you grabbed it inside the restaurant, you weren’t really thinking, you just wanted to make Jaehyun see that you were just happy to be in his company. But now you didn’t want to make it awkward by pulling your hand away. He didn’t seem to mind or if he did, he didn’t show. But you’ve concluded that Jaehyun is a gentleman and he wouldn’t pull away from you.

“Here it is.” He said, opening the door to the cute and quaint Italian eatery.

You were sat at a booth in the corner where it was private and cozy. The atmosphere was very intimate and a live band was playing what you assumed was romantic Italian music. After ordering the biggest pizza they had, easy conversation started flowing between the both of you. Whenever you were with Jaehyun it never felt awkward or uncomfortable and you were extremely thankful for that. You also feel like you could be yourself and he wouldn’t judge you, which is another reason why you enjoy being around him.

Once the pizza was set in front of you, Jaehyun served the largest piece on your plate, making you laugh.

“Do I look that hungry to you?” You tease, watching as the cheese pooled around the slice on your plate, making you drool at the sight.

“No… but I feel like it’s my fault you’re starving, so you get the biggest slice.” He explained simply, placing a slice on his plate as well.

The first bite was heavenly and you were so hungry that it tasted so delicious, you weren’t aware of the noise that was made on your throat. It was a low moan at the delicious taste of the pizza in your mouth, which made Jaehyun’s ears turn a light shade of pink. He was grateful that you didn’t seem to notice and he chastised himself for letting his brain go there.

“So, I have a question.” You said as you leaned back on the booth, knowing that you should have stopped at your third slice but went in for the fourth one anyway. Good thing the dress was forgiving and had some stretch to it.

“What is it?” Jaehyun smiled, wiping his fingers of the grease residue.

“If you don’t have a car, which car are you using tonight?” You asked with a head tilt that made Jaehyun swoon. You were so adorable and didn’t even know it.

“I borrowed a company car.” He said with a chuckle, shrugging at your surprised face.

“Are you allowed to do that?” You asked, hoping he wouldn't get in trouble.

“Yeah! We can borrow company cars for personal errands too. I usually don’t because the traffic and parking in the city is awful. But tonight is a night that required a nice car and not the subway.” He winked, making you blush at his explanation. Of course Jaehyun wouldn’t do anything he’s not supposed to and the fact that he thought tonight deserved a car was very endearing.

“I might need to walk off the pizza I devoured.” You whined playfully, making Jaehyun laugh.

“We can take a walk to an ice cream place, if you like.” He proposed, making you perk up at his suggestion. If you were a dog, your ears would have perked up at the proposal.

“I’m down!” You said excitedly, wanting to eat ice cream now.

Jaehyun paid for the pizza (you tried to pay half, but he didn’t let you) and held the door open for you. You walked to the ice cream place and continued your conversation from earlier. He fell in step with you and nudged his hand against yours a couple times. You felt the butterflies in your stomach flutter around like crazy. You glanced at him and saw that he was smiling down at you, silently waiting for your reaction. Once he saw the small smile you gave him, he got brave enough to hold your hand. You felt your face heat up at the same time you saw his ears turn scarlet.

“Is this okay?” He asked bashfully, making you giggle at his cuteness.

“Yeah, it’s perfect.” You said, nudging him with your shoulder and smiling shyly.

Walking hand and hand, you walked one more block and reached the ice cream place.

You ordered your ice cream and sat at a corner table, sitting next to each other to be close.

“So I want to get to know more about you.” Jaehyun said as he ate spoonfuls of his ice cream, giving you an amused smile. “How about we play a round of 20 questions.” He suggested, making you laugh at his cute idea.

“I love that. Okay, go.” You said, enjoying the delicious ice cream.

“What’s your favorite color?” He asked.

“Purple. Okay, what’s your favorite food.” You asked, settling more comfortably on your chair.

“Honestly the spicy pork my mom makes. It's amazing. What’s your favorite season?”

“Winter, no doubt!” You said with conviction, making Jaehyun laugh at your antics.

“Really? But it gets super cold.” He said, most girls he knew preferred warmer weather.

“Yes but it’s so easy to get warm. Fuzzy socks, warm sweaters, hot chocolate or tea and if you have a cuddle buddy, even better.” You state simply, shrugging your shoulders as Jaehyun laughed at your explanation.

“Ah I see, so you enjoy having a cuddle buddy then?” He teased, eyes twinkling in the lighting of the ice cream parlor.

“I mean, yeah? But I haven’t had one in years, so I don’t remember what it’s like.” You shrugged, finishing the last bits of your cookies and cream ice cream.

“What about that one guy from Korea?” He asked curiously. He didn’t want to pry and seem like wanted to invade your privacy.

“Chanyeol? Oh god. He was not a cuddle buddy. He was more of a wham bam thank you ma’am kind of guy.” You said with an icy tone, the memory of Chanyeol and your…. Relationship not something you like to remember or dwell on.

“Oh, sorry for asking.” He winced, feeling bad for bringing it up.

“Oh my god, don’t worry about it! It’s whatever now. I feel like I’m pretty much over it all by now.” You shrugged, not wanting Jaehyun to feel bad for bringing it up.

“He’s an idiot.” He said, tone low but you were able to hear him.

“What?” You asked, wanting to make sure you heard him correctly.

“I said he’s an idiot. He would have been lucky to cuddle with you.” He said honestly, the eye contact being a little intense for you.

“Thanks.” You whispered, feeling your face get hot due to Jaehyun’s words.

“Ready to go?” He asked suddenly, grabbing the trash from the table, his movements brash and sudden. You figured he was probably a little embarrassed and it is the cutest thing you’ve ever seen.

“Yeah, let’s go.” You said, putting on your jacket before heading out to the chilly street.

Once outside you began your walk back to the parking garage that was now a couple blocks away from your original destination. You contemplated holding Jaehyun’s hand again. He does seem to be into you, at least from how he’s been acting today. And well, since you have known him. You took a deep breath and reached for his hand, intertwining your hand with his. He looked at you a little shocked but smiled as he squeezed your hand tighter, a silent recognition that he did not mind holding your hand. He actually loved the fact that you took the initiative of holding his hand, giving him the hint that you must share his interest.

You arrived at the car much too soon for your liking, even though you were thankful to be out of the chilly night air.

Jaehyun drove to your apartment while holding your hand which made your insides flutter with excitement. You were in a comfortable silence and you couldn’t help but stare at his profile. He is so gorgeous, you don’t know how you got so lucky to be on a date with him.

“What?” He asked, glancing over at you as he drove through town.

“Nothing. You’re just really handsome.” You stated simply, making Jaehyun’s ears turn a bright shade of red in lightning speed.

“Don’t say that.” He chuckled, trying not to show how embarrassed he is.

“It’s true though!” You were delighted to see him squirming in his seat, his face getting a shade darker with each passing second.

“Alright! We are here!” He exclaimed, parking the car in front of your apartment building.

“Thank you so much for today, I had an amazing time.” You said, shifting your body towards Jaehyun.

“I did too. Sorry for the whole reservation fiasco.” He said, subconsciously leaning towards you.

“It’s not a big deal. I’m just glad I got to spend time with you.” You stated, looking into his eyes intently.

There was a sudden heaviness that settled in the confinements of the car, the two of you getting closer to each other. You don’t know who moved in first, but you felt fireworks explode in the back of your eyelids the second your lips touched. It was tentative at first, slow and explorative, wanting to get to know each others likes better. You both pulled away slowly, your breathing a little heavier than normal.

“Let me walk you to your door.” Jaehyun whispered, voice low and husky.

“Okay.” You whispered, pulling away slowly and reaching for the door handle. You took a deep breath to regulate your breathing, lips still tingling from kissing Jaehyun.

You walked hand in hand to your apartment, quiet while letting the reality of the kiss settle in.

Standing in front of your apartment door, you wasted no time in reattaching your lips to his. His lips were so soft and addicting, you felt like you didn’t get your fill in the car. He placed his hands on your hips tentatively, bringing you closer as your kiss got deeper.

His tongue grazed your lips and you willingly opened them to give him access to explore your mouth. You wrapped your arms around his neck, bringing him impossibly closer to you, a low moan escaping your mouth. The sound was music to Jaehyun’s ears and he wanted to hear more, loving the way you felt pressed up against him.

“Want to come in?” You asked breathless, needing to get some air.

Jaehyun groaned, placing his forehead against yours.

“God I want to. Trust me, I want to go in so bad and just- god. Look, I like you. I really really like you and I don’t want to ruin this. I want to take it slow, if that’s okay with you.” He said, massaging your sides slowly.

“Okay.” You rasped, giving him a small peck on the lips.

“Have a good night.” He said, giving you a beautiful smile that made you swoon.

You walked into your apartment and waited for Jaehyun to get into the elevator before you closed the door with a deep sigh. You couldn’t help the smile that graced your face, believing that you most likely just had the best night of your life. A delighted giggle slipped past your lips as you headed to your bathroom to get ready for bed, too giddy to let exhaustion take over. You were way into Jaehyun but you didn’t care. He was amazing and different than anyone you’d ever met. You couldn’t wait to see him again and see where your relationship would end up.

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#jaehyun fluff #jung jaehyun #park chanyeol #jaehyun and you #jaehyun series #chanyeol series #jaehyun x you #chanyeol and you #chanyeol x you #kpop #exo #nct #nct127 #multiau #multi au #multi fandom #fluff

[crazy-little-thing-called-fanfic]

Chasing the Moon Ch 4

Teacher!AU

Ch. 1 Ch. 2 Ch. 3

The weeks continued to go by my senior year of Seunghyun continuously trying to be inconspicuous when he would see me in the hallway, or if we would bump into each other. I purposefully would flirt with the guys in my grade as much as I could. I didn’t need people assuming that there was actually anything going on between Seunghyun and I. Luckily, Camden and I didn’t always have the same class, so she was constantly spreading rumors about Seunghyun to draw people’s attention to other issues than the truth. 

“Do you understand how much work it is for me to create random shit on the spot about your boy so people don’t suspect a thing?” Camden crashed her head into my lap at her place, letting out a heavy sigh. 

“About as much effort as it takes for you to sleep with a new guy at a party every weekend?” Not as low of a shot as you all think. Camden was notorious for getting any fling that she could get without even trying. Who said she had to? She had gorgeous blonde hair with blue eyes. Of course, she had the hour glass figure to go along with it. Camden just stared back at me. “I would be offended if it weren’t true. But yes, honestly no effort at all.”

She was like a cat as she stretched and turned onto her side. “Play with my hair.” I ran my fingers through her hair while I contemplated my life. “You know that we have a pep rally tomorrow right? The main game for the pep rally is a three legged race where we’re pairing some of the teachers with the students.” 

I stopped running my fingers through her hair long enough for her to look up at me. “Camden, why are you telling me this?” She sat up. “The reason I’m telling you this is because there are six teachers and six students who are playing. We drew the names at random. You and Choi have been picked.” I threw my head back in annoyance.

“Camden! You’re supposed to be helping me avoid my boyfriend, not pushing me into his arms!” Camden pushed off of the couch, and kneeled in front of me, pointing her finger at me. “Now don’t you blame this on me. I’m not captain of the cheerleaders, I’m just on the team! What was I supposed to do, say ‘no don’t pick either one of them?’ Like that wouldn’t have blown back up in my face. And besides, we haven’t picked the partners yet! We were going to do that in the morning. We’re using an app to make the teams so no one can manipulate it.” She stood up and grabbed her things. “Get the fuck over your problem. You overreacting like this is what’s going to be your downfall. If Choi continues to be himself around you, don’t act like anything is happening okay? Get the fuck over it.” 

She slammed the door as she left my house. She left me in the silence of my house in shock. Maybe I was overreacting. Every fiber in my being was so tense the rest of the night, replaying what Camden had said to me on repeat. Get the fuck over it. There was a small part of me that knew she was just talking out of anger. The rest of me knew she was more than likely done with my situation. My parents didn’t care to acknowledge that I was upset. They just assumed it was school shit. Which, they weren’t wrong per se. Although, it was nice knowing they would just let me be with my emotions for the night. 

I awoke the next morning to a string of texts from Seunghyun. All of which were just questioning if I was okay, if I was free for the night, and how much he loved me. While I loved when he was this way, it did annoy me from time to time. I wanted him to realize there were nights that I just wanted to be left alone. 

Good morning sweetheart, yeah I’m okay. I had a ton of things on my mind that I needed to work out so I shut my phone off. I’m sorry I didn’t respond to you last night. I love you and can't wait to see you today!

I threw on Seunghyun’s ripped jeans, my vans, paired with one of seunghyun’s black t-shirts and flannels that always swallowed me when I wore them. It was always one of my favorite outfits. No matter how many times they’ve been washed, his scent has yet to leave these clothes. I left the house, reminding myself that I would no longer live in fear of something actually happening. The kids at my school aren’t the smartest anyways. 

As always, everyone was excited for the pep rally as soon as I pulled up to the school. Banners were draped across the front of the school and each football player's cars were tagged by their “Bleacher babes”. Our school had this weird tradition of each football player asking one girl to watch them from the bleachers and cheer for them. The girls would also take it upon themselves to bring gifts and goodie bags to “their guy” as a sign of good luck. In my opinion, these traditions were horrible because they made every other girl that wasn’t chosen to feel like shit. 

I walked into the school to hear every varsity player yelling and gearing up to be in the pep rally. The bleachers in the gym were split up by grade. Freshman started on the first set of bleachers closest to the left side gym door and each grade wrapped around. Of course being a senior, meant that our grade was “supposed” to have the most spirit during these things because ‘this would be our most cherished moments of our senior year’. The thing is, I hated school spirit. I hated dressing up for a school that always called me into the principal's office nearly every week due to some ridiculous accusation. I hated cheering on a football team that most of them wouldn’t even talk to me in class. But, because my love for Camden, my group of friends and I always made sure we at least cheered her on since the cheerleaders were only in season with the football team. 

As soon as a clearing made through for me to find my seat on the bleachers, I noticed Seunghyun in black skinny jeans, red converse, and a black button up with the sleeves rolled. A little unconventional for a school teacher, but had me dripping when he even smirked in my direction. “Hey (Y/N), pick up your damn jaw. People are gonna notice if you stare at Mr. Choi. And besides, I look twice as better than him today alone.” 

A heavy set of arms were wrapped around my waist. I looked over my shoulder to see Bobby’s dark brown eyes staring into my soul. “It you want someone to make you wet, all you gotta do is ask (Y/N).” The two of us were always flirtatious with each other and I didn’t mind people thinking we were in a relationship. I especially didn’t mind if it got people off my back about Seunghyun. 

I leaned my body into his. “I’m not really in an asking mood, and it seems like you’re not either.” I felt his bulge pressed against my lower back getting harder. “If you continue that, I might just fuck you in Mr. Choi’s room since you’re so hung up on him.”

With Bobby mentioning his name again, it felt like someone threw water onto my face. I looked up and saw Seunghyun scowling in our direction. I knew this was the worst thing to do, but it would save our relationship in the long run. Seunghyun turned away from us and went to talk to the new freshman English teacher, Ms. Lee. I had to admit, she had an amazing figure that I always craved. She was the type of person who could wear sweats with heels and look absolutely sexy in them. I could see Seunghyun lean into her as she had a smile on her face. She placed a hand on his arm while he made her laugh. Obviously I couldn’t hear what they were talking about, but I could blatantly see her flirting with him. She seemed to crave his attention as well. 

Reality brought me back to attention when Bobby moved into my line of sight. “Babe, we gonna go find a seat or just let the dipshits take our spots?” I rolled my eyes. “How many times do I have to tell you not to call me babe hon?”

“Oh so you can call me hon but I can’t call you babe?” He bit his lip as he pulled me closer to him. I have to be honest with myself. If I wasn’t with Seunghyun, I would let Bobby take me any way he wants whenever he wants. He’s too attractive to say no to. “Oh but see, here’s the difference. When I call you hon, I’m being purely platonic. When you call me babe, there’s other meanings behind it. Don’t ruin the innocent flirtation thing we have going on. I promise, the moment I breakup with my boyfriend, I’ll just show up to your place unannounced for some rebound sex. Sound good sweetheart?” I kiss his cheek and walk away before he could come up with a retort of his own.

The pep band led off the school’s fight song to bring in the cheerleaders and football players. They all came in like a pack of hyenas looking for their next prey. They didn’t even hesitate to stampede into their respective bleachers and scream like banshees towards the others. It was always a sight to see boys act like that. “Do you think they realize that no matter how much they act like that, they’re still going to lose the game?” Bobby whispered into my ear.

“They don’t, but don’t spoil the fun. That’s the only reason I go to football games.” I look back to the center of the gym floor to see that the cheerleaders have already lined up the teachers on one side of the gym. “We decided to do a three legged race this week! In the spirit of the game, everyone has been chosen at random! Teachers, your job is to help your student get to the other end of the gym, help them get the jersey on and make it back before the other teams. Last one back had to wear one of the jerseys of the opposing team that we’re playing for the remainder of the day!” 

The crowd erupts in a series of cheers, boos, and laughter. I’m too preoccupied staring at Seunghyun to realize that they’ve already placed the students with their teachers to realize that my name has been called too. “(Y/N), go! Be apart of the chaos for once!” Bobby nudges me out of the bleacher. I briskly walk over to Camden who’s waiting to lead me over to my teacher.

“Not gonna lie, I wasn’t quite paying attention. Which teacher am I paired with?” Camden doesn’t look back in my direction. “Sorry hon, you’re with Seunghyun. Just remember to get the fuck over it yeah?” I look up like a deer caught in headlights to see the same expression over Seunghyun's face. 

“Fuck.” That’s all I could muster during that time frame. Whether it was because of the situation, or the amount of heat that was pooling in my mid section due to what Seunghyun was wearing was something I never quite figured out. “Well, it’s nice to see you too sweetheart. Nice to see that I have your attention again.” Seunghyun leaned over to get my leg into the strap that was already around his leg. Even though his fingers were just grazing my skin, it set every part of my body ablaze. 

“How dare you wear my clothes while letting the great value brand version of myself hold you in such a way. If you keep that up, I’m going to have to remind you who you are dating.” Seunghyun said all of this so casually that I didn’t realize he was actually talking to me at first, until he stood up and his eyes were dark with lust and rage. “I don’t think this enlarged rubber band would do anything, how about my silk ties? I think those would hold you in place in my classroom, yes?” 

My jaw dropped slightly. Seunghyun was never the person to be this open in public, let alone at his workplace. While I was turned on over how nonchalant this conversation was, I was still frightened to see what would actually happen in that moment. “You’re being pretty brazen yourself Mr. Choi. To speak to your student in such a way with our peers so close to us? Scandalous.” I turned my head towards the front. “If you let that teacher place her hands on you again, I won’t even give you a chance to explain yourself. Also, don’t try to one up me in sex talk babe. The only reason I’m not going to delve into this is because we’re at school. If I say anything else, I’m going to need you to take me right here right now.”

“Oh, is this a promise? Don’t tempt me with a good time. I’ll gladly lose my job with the way you’re looking today. I already knew you were sexy, I just didn’t realize how appetizing you would look in my jeans.” 

“Children, I’m still right fucking here.” Camden spoke up, standing in front of both of us. “First off, the two of y’all are absolutely fucking disgusting in general. Second of, y’all better be happy y’all are out of earshot of the other contestants. Otherwise, you’d be headed to jail right now Seunghyun. Control y’all selves.” Both Seunghyun and I laughed at the tomato red Camden as she re-explained the rules to us and how to win. We both nodded in understanding as Camden left us. 

I looked around at the other student teacher duos to see that they were all duos of the opposite sex. They all had their inner arms wrapped around each other, preparing for the buzzer to go off for the start of the race. Hesitantly, I wrapped my arm around his waist. He was too tall for me to try and wrap my arm around his shoulders. 

“Let’s win this race jagiya.” Seunghyun winks at me before wrapping his arm over my shoulders. The buzzer went off and Seunghyun was practically holding me while running towards the other end of the gym. I could hear the crowds of students cheering for their favorite duo. Looking beside me, I could see some of the duos falling trying to keep up with us. Seunghyun threw the jersey on me as we rounded the last corner with the finish line in sight. Obviously we won that, it was hard for the other older teachers to keep up with Seunghyun.

The senior section erupted into an endless stream of cheers of victory against the underclassmen. I stepped out of the band just in time for Bobby and the rest of my friends to tackle me for a victory hug, pushing Seunghyun out of the way. “Great job babe! Way to actually try at something for once!” Bobby placed a kiss on my cheek, and I instinctively looked back towards Seunghyun. The hooded, pure black eyes that looked at Bobby scared me. I wasn’t in fear of my relationship at that moment, I was in fear for what Seunghyun would do to Bobby.

I tried to return the hug, but a set of hands came in between the two of us. “Public displays of affection aren’t tolerated you two.” Seunghyun stepped in between Bobby and I, facing in his direction. “Mr. Jiwon, please do your best to remember this when hugging your female classmates while trying to hide a boner okay?” 

“The name is Bobby Mr. Choi. And please do your best to not come in between my girlfriend and myself again yes?” Bobby reached over grabbing my arm and pulling me close to him. “There’s no rule in the handbook saying I couldn’t kiss her on the cheek, just rules saying I can’t fuck her in front of everyone.” I finally looked back at Seunghyun, who was fuming by this point. “Mr. Choi, I apologize for Bobby’s behavior, we’re going back to our seats to enjoy the rest of the pep rally.” I held his gaze, hoping that my pleading eyes for him to stop would get through to him. He was able to eventually calm down enough to let us go, but not before giving us a verbal warning. 

Bobby wrapped his arm around me as we walked back to our seats. “It sure seems like Mr. Choi may have a thing for you (Y/N). I’m not going to let him take you away from me. You’re mine.” I pushed Bobby off of me, and looked up at him in anger. “I don’t know why you constantly like to push things too far Bobby. First, you know I have a boyfriend, so you saying that I’m your girlfriend was completely uncalled for. Which also means I’m not yours. Second quit trying to push the boundaries with the teachers, they’re just trying to do their job. Third, let Mr. Choi have a thing for me. It doesn’t mean I’m ever going to go for him, he’s not my type.” Saying those words pulled at my heart, forcing it further into my stomach. I know that I didn’t mean them, I just hated keeping up with this lie.

The rest of the day went with a blur. Getting empty congratulations from classmates that didn’t give two shits about me, and pushing Bobby away for taking things too far this time. When the time for lunch came, Camden grabbed my arm and shoved me into her car. 

“Dude, what the fuck are you doing?” She punched my arm. “I’m saving your fucking relationship after that shit show presentation at the pep rally. She throws her car into drive and drove across town. When we finally came to a stop, I looked up to see Seunghyun standing in front of her car. “Camden, why did you drive me to his place?”

“Because the two of you have way too much sexual frustration pent up because of Bobby, so enjoy your weekend and I see you later.” She threw open my door and kicked me out of the car, into Seunghyun’s arms. I didn’t dare look up at him out of fear of the pool that was already soaking my underwear. 

“Ah jagiya.” He lifts me into his arms and places a hand under my chin to look up at him. “It’s time to remind you exactly whose you are after that show you put on today.”

#chasing the moon #choi seunghyun #bigbang #BIGBANG TOP #bigbang fanfic

[frisbee-camp]

Let Me Help (Complete!!)

AO3 Link//Wattpad Link)

Tj and Cyrus have been friends for a long time, but will that change after life comes crashing down and impulsive decisions catch up to them? (Angst, Ambi, love notes, slow burn, aged up so they’re all in high school, god tier ships, mental health, and like a whole bunch more ladies! Let’s get this angst.)

Chapter 18: Bonus Chapter: Why Would I forget that?

"T you gotta eat something," Cyrus gently coaxed TJ's face away from his computer screen, he had spent all day furiously typing and deleting and retyping his common app essay. He had no idea what to write about, he had told Cyrus that no college would ever accept him. He had said that he was just another white boy who wanted to study film. Cyrus hated when he put himself down like that, but he was right. TJ was just average in the eyes of the college admission process.

TJ frowned at Cyrus as he cleared space to sit on the dining room table. They had been together for a little more than a year now. One year, two months, and three days to be exact thought Cyrus. Cyrus handed TJ a plate of steaming pasta freshly ordered off of Grubhub. TJ smiled a bit as he took it.

"Thanks," he grumbled as he swirled fettuccini Alfredo around his fork. Cyrus knew college applications made him irritable and grumpy, but he didn't mind. He knew he could always get him to smile with Tyler James' favorite food group (cheese).

"And what do we say?" Cyrus pried. The last year had been life-changing for Cyrus, he had started to be bolder, less afraid of uncertainty and judgment.

"Thank you, Cyrus," Tj mumbled as he scooped heaps of the pasta into his mouth.

"And?"

"And I love youuu" Tj smiled sweetly at his boyfriend.

"Thank you T, I love you too." Cyrus grinned and hopped off the table. "Come on," he said, "take a break. Maybe we could find some inspiration outside." Tj got up and hesitated, "Yes T, you can bring the pasta with you," Cyrus added as he took his hand.

It was brisk outside in TJ's backyard, the flowers were in full bloom and the night was full of hope. They sat on TJ's grandparent's old lawn chairs, in silence while TJ finished his food. It didn't take long.

"You eat so fast, you're going to get sick" Cyrus said.

"You're the one making me sick," TJ chuckled and grinned at Cyrus. "Loooove sick" Cyrus rolled his eyes at the cheesy joke but smiled on the inside.

"Think of a better joke next time," Cyrus said calmly as he leaned into the old chair.

"What?" Tj gave a dramatic gasp and smiled wide "next time you nag me?"

Cyrus closed his eyes, "Whatever," he said as he imagined them as an old couple, lovingly annoying the heck out of each other, "I still love you."

Cyrus felt TJ grab his hand, "I know, I love you too."

They stayed like that for a long time, holding hands with closed eyes, their breaths synchronizing and the moon softly illuminating them in the grey moonlight. This was it. This was what Cyrus had hoped for when he agreed to be with TJ, this calm, this balance, this stability. It was what he felt when TJ was near, he felt invincible and calmed, like a hummingbird resting on a branch. He breathed out.

"You know," TJ finally whispered after a long time, "this is where I finally realized I liked you."

Cyrus hummed and finally said, "Liked? Past tense?" TJ lightly laughed. Cyrus would do anything for that laugh.

"You know what I mean Cyrus," Cyrus' eyes were still closed but he knew TJ was looking at him with that soft look that made his insides turn liquid. He opened his eyes and found him staring at him. He melted.

"I know" Cyrus said with a sly smile, "you're mom told me."

Tj's eyes widened and he sat up, "My mom told you?!"

"Yeah," Cyrus stayed calm, "we're friends. She said that Amber told her. Cute right?"

"Oh my God, so that's where you go when I'm doing homework? You hang out with my mom?" Tj sat with his mouth open, Cyrus thought it was absolutely adorable. "That is so embarrassing what the hell." They both laughed as TJ started connecting the dots. The coupons he found in Cyrus' backpack a couple of months back, the inside jokes between them, Cyrus coming back to Tj's room with canned bloody Mary's. Cyrus watched as TJ shook his head and slumped back into the lawn chair. "You're ridiculous," he finally said and settled into a light smile.

"Maybe so Tyler James, maybe so."

When they decided to go back inside, TJ moved his college station to the living room where he sat crisscrossed on the floor while Cyrus laid down with his head in TJ's lap. Things had calmed in the past year, Andi and Amber were the epitome of perfect girlfriends, Marty and Buffy still adored each other, Jonah and Walker had broken up but they were still friends, and he and TJ were, well, an old married couple. Cyrus had finished his homework for the week. He normally spent most of his time at Tj's house now. He hadn't come out to his parents officially yet, but they did catch him and TJ kissing on the porch a couple of weeks after they had gotten together. It was strange, Cyrus expected a sit down with lots of therapist talk but instead, they never spoke directly of it. Instead, they would sprinkle in phrases like, So how's your boyfriend and You know Cyrus, that boyfriend of yours is good to you why don't you invite him over? Tj had already known his parents, but sitting down for an actual dinner was awkward and Cyrus hated it at first until he saw his parents laughing at Tj's jokes and asking him for his pie receipt. He had focussed so much on the bad that he forgot that maybe things just sort of...work out on their own.

He felt Tj's cat Petunia sit on his chest. He was a shiny light brown cat with crystal blue eyes that glowed even in daylight. Cyrus had picked him out with Tj's mom, but TJ didn't know that. Cyrus lightly scratched at Petunia's chin, who immediately nuzzled into the touch and purred as he laid on Cyrus' chest.

"What are you writing about now?" Cyrus asked as he looked up at TJ who was now clack clack clacking away at his laptop.

"About how my boyfriend is better friends with my mom than I am."

"You'd definitely get into an ivy with that one."

"I don't need an ivy, I need UCLA" TJ frowned at his screen, the light made him look flushed out and ghostly. The essay wasn't due for another two months, but TJ had already finished every other part of the application. He had never seen TJ so set, so driven, it was nice but it terrified him. California wasn't that far, only an hour or so flight, but an hour is an hour. In an hour he could die or crash his car or fall off a cliff or worse, TJ could stop loving him in an hour. He would find himself a cute artsy film boy and forget about Cyrus altogether. Cyrus was excited for TJ on the outside, but he was horrified. Cyrus had been thinking about college for years now, but thinking is different from actually having to go. He didn't want TJ to leave him already, they had only had so much time together.

Cyrus later explained this to TJ's mom while they shopped for holiday gifts in late Autumn, a couple of weeks after TJ had sent in ten applications to colleges around the country.

"Well Cyrus, you know what I always say," TJ's mom said as she floated through the department store in her signature pink fur-lined robe. She answered herself before Cyrus could even understand the question. "There is no greater punishment than that of being abandoned to one's self," she said in one breath before sipping on a mug tumbler Cyrus knew she had filled with something vaguely fruity and definitely alcoholic.

"You've literally never said that before Dawn," Cyrus said. He loved Tj's mom for all the reasons she annoyed TJ. She was erratic and outspoken and her advice was absolutely horrible in every single way. She'd tell him to leave the country every time he was mildly inconvenienced. It was this ridiculousness that always brought Cyrus back to his senses.

She sighed and put an entire rack of clothes in her cart, "What I have or haven't said in the past doesn't matter. If tyler leaves then I know you will wallow in pain, but that's the point no? Young love and all that. If he stays you will also wallow in pain because you'd feel like you held him back from his dreams. There is no winning. No one ever wins except The Man. Do not let The Man win, no matter what." They had made their way to the shoe aisle and Dawn was now sitting trying on heels in the mirror.

Cyrus frowned at no one and nothing in particular. He hated this moment. He just wanted Tj to decide already, but he knew that decisions wouldn't be out until spring. He felt Dawn push back his hair out of his face, just like how TJ does when he wants to say something important.

"Cyrus honey," Dawn's blonde hair fell in perfect curls around her face, "I can't pretend to know how you feel, but I do know that I was in love once," her voice was softer now, genuine. She sounded like TJ during their midnight facetime calls. "And I know that it hurts, that it makes you feel like you're on top of the world one second and down in the darkest dungeon of hell the next. But you can't stop that from you enjoying it because you'll always remember it. Now please help me get this heel off my foot. It's cutting off my circulation."

So, as Cyrus sat on the floor of the Nordstroms Rack pulling a seven-inch heel off Dawn's left foot, he let go. Not of the shoe, but of TJ. He wanted him to live his life, with or without him. He wasn't going to break up with him, he just didn't want to emotionally tether him to Shadyside, this town of less than a thousand, in the middle of fucking nowhere.

The winter in Shadyside was brutal, unrelenting, and cozy with TJ beside him. Cyrus tried being less clingy, he called TJ less, only slept over at his house twice a week instead of their usual alternating schedule, and didn't dare talk about the future. TJ had been so anxious waiting for college decisions to come that he barely noticed. It was limbo, but Cyrus knew it was for the better. It would be too hard for both of them if Tj left one day and never came back.

One day, the day before Cyrus' birthday and UCLA admissions decisions, Tj and Cyrus found themselves in the park with the swings. They sat in silence, swinging slowly.

Finally, Cyrus spoke, "Tyler James Tanner Kippen, I want you to know that whatever happens tomorrow, I love you no matter what. If you get in or not or decide to leave or not I'll support you and you shouldn't stay here, no offense to Utah or whatever but this place sucks and if you go to Shadyside College I'll kill you dead with my own two hands and force you to transfer and-"

"Cyrus-" TJ stared at him.

"And! I'm not finished Tyler! And you need to freaking live your life and if that means going to California or France or the freaking Serengeti you need to go-" Cyrus was angry and blotchy and it felt like his lungs were about to burst.

"Cyrus," Tj cut in, "I don't deserve you. I haven't been there for you the past couple of months and I'm sorry I really am. I-" Tj stammered and looked down and away, "this year has been so weird, college is so weird and I don't want to leave you and I won't I promise I just, I don't know what's next."

Cyrus softened a bit, he bit his lip. "I'm scared," Cyrus said through tears. Tj wiped away a few tears of his own and grabbed his hand. It felt like Cyrus had just gotten used to the feeling, he hated knowing that in a few months the feeling could be gone and he would be stranded.

"I'm scared too," Tj admitted. Cyrus felt Tj's hand tighten, "Cy you need to promise me that wherever I go you don't follow."

"Wha- What? What do you mean?" Cyrus gave a confused look. Was he breaking up with him?

"I don't mean it like that I just mean that wherever I go you can't just follow because I'm your boyfriend. I want you to decide what's best for you not for us." Tj swallowed hard and continued, "Pinky promise."

They shook their pinkies, "Pinky Promise" Cyrus affirmed.

The next day Cyrus didn't see Tj at school. He had woken up to Andi, Buffy, Jonah, and Marty throwing balloons and confetti in his face screaming Happy Birthday at the top of their lungs. He laughed but couldn't help but notice TJ's absence. He knew today was the day most college decisions came out and TJ would probably be home refreshing his UC portal until 3:00. He understood, he felt selfish for wanting TJ all to himself.

School that day was as boring as always, but his friends had promised they'd do something fun after school.

"We're going to the freaking zoo Cyrus!!" Andi and Buffy had screamed in his ear right after throwing more confetti in his face that morning. He loved the zoo sure, but he hadn't talked to TJ all day. No texts, no calls, no facebook messenger notifications. Nothing. Matter of fact, the more he looked around, the more he noticed just how many seniors had skipped the day. None of the jocks were at school, nor the theater kids, it was empty in more ways than one.  

After the last bell, Cyrus' friends basically dragged him to the zoo. They knew he missed TJ and wanted to make up for it in the more over-the-top ways. Andi kept buying him cotton candy and Marty even bought him a koala backpack. Buffy even gave him a piggyback ride most of the way around the park. Cyrus was grateful but after an hour wandering the zoo, he was exhausted and just wanted to go home and sleep. He looked at his watch and saw 3:00 come and go. He sighed as his friends dragged him around one last corner, by now he was barely hanging onto Buffy's back. He huffed into her hair.

"SURPRISE!!!" Cyrus screamed a high pitch wail as his friends and family appeared out of seemingly nowhere. He hadn't noticed that he'd been navigated into an indoor event space, crawling with dinosaur dioramas and cardboard cutouts of kangaroos with party hats. He was still slightly panicking on the floor when someone dragged him up.

"Surprise. Happy Birthday." smiled Tj softly, Cyrus just stared at him and looked around in disbelief, "What? Did you think I forgot? "Cyrus gave him another look, "I skipped to help set it up." Tj smiled wide and gave him a quick peck on the lips and led him to the others.

Cyrus' entire family was there. Both sets of parents, uncles, aunts, TJ's friends from the basketball team, some of Walker's art friends who spoke in riddles, Amber and her friends, and even some of Jonah's old frisbee friends. They were all there for him. For him. He gave a wide smile and joined the party.

Once the excitement died down and everyone was full of chocolate cake, Cyrus pulled TJ aside and raised an eyebrow. TJ sighed and looked back at his mom Dawn and his twin sister Amber, "No luck," he said defeated, "denied." Cyrus felt his heartbreak for him, he wanted to send everyone home and grieve with TJ.

"You can always transfer in," Cyrus gave his last shred of advice, but he knew it was futile. TJ would never go somewhere where he wasn't the first choice. Tj softly smiled and held Cyrus' cheek in his hand.

He gave Cyrus a sweet kiss, "I love you Muffin," he said and walked back to the crowd.

Tj spent the next few weeks sitting quietly waiting for other decisions to roll in. The sadness from his rejection from UCLA was short-lived as he was accepted to basically every other school (except the ivy's of course). TJ even received a full ride to New York University, his second choice. He was ecstatic. He had spent so much time thinking about UCLA that he forgot that there were other universities.

"Wow," Cyrus said longingly, "New York City."

The summer went by too quickly for Cyrus' taste. TJ spent most days talking and researching what to do in New York City. Cyrus tried to be happy he really did, but Cyrus cried every time Tj said goodbye, even if he was just going home to check up on his mom. Then the day came where TJ packed up his room, and then came the day where he drove him to the airport, and then the first day he wasn't in Shadyside at all.

Amber decided to take a gap year to volunteer in a country Cyrus couldn't pronounce the name of, so he spent a lot of time grieving with Andi. It was lonely and the school year sucked but he tried to enjoy it the most he could. He would get calls from TJ every day so it never really felt like he was all that far away. He'd tell him about his classes, and the parties, and how everyone in New York was mean unless someone needed help. Cyrus had told TJ that he could break up with him to be a free college kid, but TJ refused. He even said that he was offended and that he would never do something that selfish.

Then the day came where he was writing his essays and sending in his test scores. It was grueling and he thought it would never end but then he remembered how TJ had written his essay on how his mom's relationship with his boyfriend would inspire his first film and he'd laugh to himself. Cyrus wrote his essay on the detrimental effects of having too many parents.

And then Cyrus got his acceptances and rejections. He had been rejected to every school except one: Columbia University in the City of New York. He couldn't believe it. He was going to New York too.

Andi ended up at Parsons to study design, just down the street from TJ. Buffy went somewhere in the pacific northwest where she started playing soccer. Jonah went somewhere hot and cheap, Arizona State. Walker went to Parsons with Andi and Amber decided to join the peace corps, and Marty went to CSU Long beach to learn how to surf.

Cyrus' time at Columbia was short-lived, he stayed a semester before transferring to NYU because it was arguably better for screenwriters.

He had never told anyone, but NYU was his top choice, even before he knew TJ had applied. TJ and Cyrus spent their days eating dollar pizza and basking in New York City parks. Cyrus was finally completely happy.

THE END

authors note: after high school reed goes to jail for aggravated assault and lester goes to community :) lmao

#tyrus #andi mack #i tried my best #let me help #i did it #it only took like seven months but here she is #in the flesh #lmk thots?? #let me relax i will comment later #tyrus week #woop wopp #tyrus fanfic #technically its 11:48 here soooo i finished it before the end of the day call that iconic and living up to my word #end scne.

[sargecasey-blog]

My abuse story

when I was born my parents did not want me and I was born blind. So I went to live with my grandparents. Well living with my grandparents I had a lot that made me happy, I had a lot of friends and things to do at home that made me happy but after 1st grade my parents took me to go live with them which highly effected me. Even when they took me to go live with them I remember kicking and screaming as we went down the driveway. The time I lived with my parents I went through physical abuse which I ended up almost failing 2 grades. I remember waking up to belts coming at me by my dad and I remember my dad punching my mom. luckily one day a teacher found bruises all over my body which I got taken from my parents and went to live with my grandparents again. My parents were punished and everything through child support. Though I'm not sure they were punished enough. Even though I was born blind I had a also had a surgery 3 days after I was born to barely open my eyes. The only affect this had was affecting my learning because it was hard to see. As i got older I did have surgeries to open my eyes more. Well when I went back to go live with my grandparents I started doing well again and made a lot of new friends in elementary which took a bit for me to become happy again. Well fast forward to the end of middle school my grandfather got into a lot of drama with my sister and mother that changed him in my opinion not sure if that's what changed him or not. Well he started emotionally abusing me, my sister and my grandmother through high school and after. I graduated high school in 2011 so the emotional abuse mainly happened from 2007 to 2011 but I still get emotionally abused after high school which was much worse. What my grandfather did was he would yell at somebody like every other day for something they did or how they did something. Every time I felt happy I would get yelled at like it was wrong to be happy. My grandfather did not like me having friends and would always tell me they would not be friends with me after high school. When we would eat there was always a problem with how we eat or the way we eat. We would always be going out to eat or getting fattening food kind of feels like there was a reason for that I don't know. Lastly the only time we were allowed to be happy was either when we were doing what my grandfather wanted or when we where going somewhere. What I ended up doing to get through all of this is I would stay in my room and try to avoid the abuse as much as possible. I ate once a day for 2 to 3 years to avoid drama. I was scared to brush my teeth because the bathroom was right where my grandfather was always at and I noticed every time I went in there he would say some negative comment. I would play games and meet new people online which help me avoid the abuse. I was terrified to leave because every time I did I would either get yelled at or treated like crap. My sister has highly been affected by the abuse as well. She tried committing suicide twice and she does a lot of drugs to avoid the pain. Also she made friends with other people that does drugs because she feel like they're the only type of people that understand her and what she is going through. She had kids and now they’re most likely going through what we went. I don’t live there anymore but her kids could be getting emotionally abused as well.  The affects of all of the abuse I've realized is going through high school I did not get to think about what I wanted to do in life, my brain did not develop normally, I have bad teeth that give me a lot of pain all the time, I have hypoglycemia, I believe I lost around $7,500 after being forced to go to college which I was not ready at all for and I went through depression for 3 years after moving in with my mom because I was not trying to avoid the abuse anymore or going through it anymore so I got to think about it and understand what I was going through. In 2019 I contacted domestic violence hotline. Which lead me to reporting all this info to end up being told that there is nothing I can do about it because it's not happening to me right now. I also tried going to a homeless shelter to try to get away from my toxic family or toxic environment. The one I ended up getting sent to has a very bad ratting. It has a lot of reviews that there's something shady going on there which I felt while I was there. There was people selling drugs there. It was very hard to sleep because people would be talking on their phones at night I have a huge issue with this because I know sleep is important for remembering and learning new stuff. So it felt like I was getting manipulated. Also the people in charge seem to always be yelling at people so it did not seem like they were trying to help anybody that was there. I ended up contacting my mother and went back to live with her. Well when I went to go back to live with my mother I talked to her about most of this and talked to my uncle about most of it as well. They told me that my grandparents abused them as well. I think they told me that they were made to work really hard on a farm and they would get beaten with a stick on the side of the road. Also they went through some of the same things I went through. I learned/realized that my grandparents did not really have any friends visiting them as if they pushed them all away growing up. I also know my great grandparents on my grandmothers side did not like my grandfather very much. I recently learned that my grandparents own my bank account. I had no idea what a joint owner meant. It's possible they took money from me but I’m not sure. I had $10,000 before I went to college. I paid for some of the college even though I had some financial aid and I had a crash while I was in college that i had to pay for. I also bought a computer and games. Not sure if all that ended up being worth $10,000 or not. It's strange that they've not told me that they basically own my bank account and I don't think my mother knows as well. I don't know why this is such a big secret which is what I want to find out next.

Update 2021: Over the past 2 years my mother got married, went on vacations that did not include me, renovated the house, had pool parties and just doing everything for her benefits. It has made me feel like my life doesn’t matter and I’ve realized I never been supported by my family in what I wanted to do in life it’s all been about what they wanted me to do. My mother just recently said I have to start paying her to live with her or I have to move out. I’ve been trying to make money getting into blockchain games but it’s so hard to make money when I need to recover from everything I’ve been through. 

New update 2021: She did not end up kicking me out but she keeps telling me I owe her money. I noticed joey who she got married to got scammed for like 3,000 dollars and she seemed to care that it happened and has seemed happy about it strangely. Also I made money on an app that I could cashout for a giftcard which I wanted to try to order from burger king to see what that was like but when I told my mother she did not seem happy that I made money. Once again I feel like I’m not allowed to make money because my family wants to be in control of my life. Idk what’s gonna happen to me but it’s not gonna be good. I wish I had it in me to kill myself at this point I’m so tired of going through torture/this messed up life.   

#abuse #family abuse #domestic abuse #abuse story

[witchqueenofthemoon]

BODY AND SOUL Part 4 (Duncan Shepherd/Mackenzie Stone Millory AU)

BODY AND SOUL MASTERPOST

Author’s Note: CAN’T STOP WON’T STOP okay y’all, buckle up. I’m sorry, first of all, that you don’t get to know what Kenzie’s dress looks like until Part 5. I just really want everyone to see it through Duncan’s eyes with him because he’s a soft Cancer prince and he’s falling hopelessly in love with an angel. A reminder that Claire is my AU version of Coco; Morgan is obviously Myrtle if that’s not immediately obvious. I’m sorry it’s taking so long to get back to pretty smut; Part 5 will be full of it, and patience brings forth riches. It’ll probably take me a few days to write Part 5 because I want it to be perfect, so please be patient and stick with me. I’m really happy with how Part 4 turned out in the meantime, and I had so much fun writing it. Mallory/Coco’s hidden friendship was one of my favorite surprises in APOCALYPSE. I promise to deliver in the CLOTHES department in Part 5 regarding both Mackenzie and Duncan. CLOTHESSS.

Mackenzie stopped outside Duncan’s building, her heart pounding a hundred miles a minute, pressing her clutch between her breasts, the intense and yet not unpleasant sensation of Duncan’s wool cardigan pressing against her back and shoulders, giving her goosebumps. I’m wearing Duncan Shepherd’s hundred-dollar cardigan. Oh my fucking god. She tried to take a deep breath, suck the cool May air into her lungs, calm her nerves which were racing along like she was high. She stood outside his high rise, breathing in deeply, breathing out slowly, measuredly, the way her mom had taught her when she was a little girl; breathe, Kenzie, just breathe. Her thoughts flashed to the way he’d knelt there, tying her shoes, looking up at her with liquid blue eyes. Holy fuck it had thrilled her. It had made her feel like her body was on fire, immersed in liquid heat. Duncan Shepherd had looked at her like she was made of magick, like a prince from a far away land kneeling at the feet of a queen he wished to woo. She couldn’t help but think of all the fairy tales she’d loved as a little girl when it came to Duncan; he looked like a prince, truly a dream boy from a fairy tale, Prince fucking Charming, come to save her from a dragon on a white horse, his curls falling over his forehead, his blue eyes stabbing into her heart, his body wrapping around her, but what she wanted to do with him, what she had done with him, was far beyond the fairy tales of her girlhood; when he put his hand around my neck in the shower, she thought, her cunt spasming with the memory of her orgasm. Fuck, I want him to do that again. Fuck, his tongue on my clit. Fuck, the way he made me come.

Okay, okay, Kenzie, just breathe, she reminded herself.

And you’re fucking going to dinner with him tonight. He asked you to go out with him again tonight. He asked for your phone number, practically begged, after you fucked twice and he ate you out fuck he did and you sucked his cock and he made you fucking breakfast and you told him your mother is Madeline Stone. Duncan FUCKING Shepherd.

She unbuttoned her clutch again, grabbing her phone out (its case was gold, an downwards-facing black crescent moon sticker pressed into the back), staring down at it in a daze for a moment, as if unsure of what it was for, remembering the call he’d pressed through his phone to it a few moments before. A text dinged through, the trumpet-sound ringing twice in a row. Kenzie, what happened at that Republican party you were trying to get into last night? Give me an update. Love, Mom

“Fuck, I forgot,” Mackenzie whispered to herself. Hey Mom, she typed, went okay, you know how that shit is, they’re pigs. But I did manage to pick up some interesting tidbits with my recorder. She glanced at the little recorder in her clutch, confirming that she hadn’t lost it in the abandon of last night. Oh, and I fucked Duncan Shepherd.

She didn’t type the last part, but it slashed through her brain, and she couldn’t help but giggle nervously into her hand. Her mom would think she was joking; her mom had an excellent sense of humor. But no. How the fuck could she tell her mother? No way. Not yet. She didn’t even want to think about what Madeline would say, the look that would fall over her face. She couldn’t even begin to go there. Her body still ached from where Duncan had fucked her with his big, hard cock (oh my fucking god) in wild rapture, staring into her eyes like she was cake he was going to devour. Her neck was marked with several darkening welts from his ardent, demanding lips and ached from where the heavy necklace had pressed into the nape all night after she’d passed out. She smelled like his soap, like his musky body, like his clothes (fuck, she was wearing his clothes). The afterglow of his kisses tingled all over her body, her lips swollen with the memory of his. Those lips. Fucking god. His large, beautiful, long-fingered hands. Everywhere. His eyes, impossibly clear and blue and intense, staring into her soul, laying it bare. It was as if he’d left an invisible tattoo all over her skin and she could feel its tender, shimmering glow, like it was alive.

“Fuuuuck, FUCK, holy shit fucking fuck!” She screamed, bouncing back on her heels, unbalanced. She couldn’t help it. A burst of nervous, wild laughter shot out of her; some pigeons nearby on the sidewalk nervously fluttered into the air, cooing their shock out towards her. A man in a suit with a briefcase walking across the street looked towards her with an annoyed expression, his gaze sliding away as she grinned at him. Yes, I am fucking insane, she thought towards him. I fucked Duncan Shepherd last night and this morning and it’s probably the stupidest thing I’ve ever done and fuck me, I can’t wait to do it again.

She was still clutching her phone in one hand and she jumped as another trumpety text rang out from it. Did everything go okay with that shitty party? It was Claire.

She yelped, fumbling with her phone and practically dropping it on the sidewalk, frightening the pigeons again. CLAIRE. She had to tell someone, and it had to be Claire. She imagined her best friend’s pink-lipsticked mouth hanging open when she heard what Kenzie had done and could feel the wild grin plastered on her face at the thought.

OH MY FUCKING GOD, she typed, adding the haunted face emoji and the skull emoji, hitting send. She saw the telltale dot bubbles come up a second later, indicating that Claire was replying.

Clairebear: ??????? Are you okay???

Kenzie typed quickly. Can you meet me for coffee at Emissary? I have to tell you in person. I’m okay but holy FUCK, something happened. Something insane.

Clairebear: Uhhhhh??!?! YES. I can walk over there now.

I’m in Georgetown, I’ll be there in 15 minutes.

Clairebear: KENZIE, WHY ARE YOU IN GEORGETOWN, IT’S 10 AM ASFKHGSDKGHG

I’LL TELL YOU IN FIFTEEN MINUTES BITCH

Mackenzie opened the Lyft app on her phone and was relieved to see a car was two minutes away. She bounced on her heels, feeling dizzy (his lips on her neck), heart racing again. Claire was going to lose her fucking shit. And holy fuck, I’m seeing him again tonight. He’s picking me up in his fucking private car. She glanced up at Duncan’s high rise, up to the top floor where she knew his penthouse was, biting her lip in that familiar way she tended to. God, I need to remember to look at the view next time between kisses, she thought, her cheeks glowing in the early morning sun.

-----

Kenzie thanked her driver, stepping carefully out of the Prius that had picked her up in front of Duncan’s building; she felt dizzy and ungainly still, as though she might just fall over and not be able to get back up, her limbs shaking. Kenzie, be cool. Tell Clairebear what happened.

She pulled the glass door of Emissary (her favorite coffee shop, it helped that it was a few blocks from her apartment in Dupont Circle) wide, eyes searching for Claire’s telltale platinum blonde modern shag and carefully applied lip stain. She zeroed in on her friend at one of the more discreet tables in the side-room (Claire was in knee-high boots, a beanie, and a copious checkered scarf that twisted around her shoulders), and her eyes widened in anticipation. Patrons on their laptops and with books or talking in low tones were scattered around the cafe; thankfully, it seemed busy enough that no one would pay them any particular attention.

She walked up, still feeling shaky, to the counter, ordering a small soy latte, stuffing a five-dollar bill into the tip jar. Karma, please be with me, she thought, every little bit helps. “Geez, thank you,” the barista (a nonbinary person with a short bob, glasses and a black sweater with a white collar) had said, eyeing the bill, smiling at her. She smiled at them, that nervous energy still humming along under her skin. “I’ll bring it over to you,” the barista said, turning away from her to the espresso machine. “Thank you,” Kenzie murmured, whipping around and sprinting as quickly as she could on those godforsaken heels to Claire’s table.

Claire looked up, eyes wide, as her friend crashed into the seat in front of her.

“Kenzie,” she stated, staring into the smaller girl’s wild eyes (god what the fuck is going on there), the way she always did when her best friend had done something dangerous or impulsive and had this deer-in-headlights look. Usually it had to do with a story, of course. Kenzie was an excellent journalist, and she was always putting herself in strange positions to get the best angle on a story. But this seemed to be something else.

“Claireohmygodfuckinghellohmyfuckinggod,” Mackenzie breathed, words blending to the point where they became nonsense.

Claire reached out to her, snorting, smiling nervously, grabbing her friend’s small hand. She noted that Kenzie wasn’t wearing any makeup, that her hair still looked a little bit damp, that she was clearly wearing last night’s dress and heels, and that she was wearing a black cardigan that was much too big for her and was clearly cut for a man. Claire’s eyes flickered to Kenzie’s neck, where she saw several telltale red marks. Oh, my god.

“Kenzie. What did you do. Tell me right now.”

“Claire, don’t get mad. Promise you won’t get mad at me.”

“Kenzie.”

Kenzie steeled herself, (deja vu, she thought, I just did that with Duncan when I told him my mother’s name), grasping her friend’s hand with cold fingers.

“Duncan Shepherd was at that party last night. I--I went home with him.”

Just as she’d imagined, Claire’s mouth fell open in a gigantic oval, her bright eyes blinking rapidly in disbelief. “WHAT.”

“Clairebear, oh my god. I don’t even know how to tell you. He’s nothing like what you’d imagine. God, he was so wonderful. God, he’s so hot. He was so gentle and beautiful, you wouldn’t believe. I’ve never felt like that before. God, you should see his penthouse, it’s insane, he made me fucking breakfast, Claire--”

“MACKENZIE.”

“CLAIRE, DON’T BE MAD AT ME.”

“Duncan Shepherd?” Her friend hissed at her quietly. “The Duncan Shepherd? Annette Shepherd’s son? Annette Shepherd who owns ten of the most prominent centrist publications in the country? Shepherd Freedom Foundation Duncan Shepherd? Mackenzie Louise Stone, are you out of your fucking mind!”

“Claire. He wants to see me again tonight.”

“Kenzie, oh my fucking god.”

“He wants to pick me up in his private car.”

“KENZIE.”

“Claire, I’ve never had an orgasm like that in my whole fucking life. Two orgasms like that.” She whispered the last part, leaning in close to her friend’s raptly staring face. “His eyes. He’s so tall and so fucking gorgeous and his smile, fuck, I almost died.”

Claire tried to hide her smile behind her hand, bringing her matcha up to her mouth to stifle the laugh that Kenzie could see behind her eyes.

“Who are you and where did you take my Kenzie Stone?”

“I know. I don’t know. I can’t explain. He’s so fucking gorgeous in person, Claire. I’ve never see anyone as beautiful him, ever. He looks at me like I’m made of cake or something. His eyes, they’re like blue crystals, god, the way he kissed me--”

She took a breath, watching her friend’s face, which was rapidly running a gamut, strange mixture of happiness and concern.

“Are you wearing his fucking sweater.”

“Yes. He insisted. Clairebear. I don’t know what’s happening to me. He made me feel like...I don’t know how to describe how it felt. He’s so lovely. It was like a dream.”

“Lovely? Jesus, Kenzie.”

“His dick, oh my god.”

Claire tried to stifle her snort of laughter again as the barista came over with Kenzie’s latte. Kenzie pressed her lips together, trying to keep a straight face, thanking them. They nodded, walking back towards the coffee counter. Claire was still staring at her, her eyes goggling, a smile playing around the corners of her mouth, shaking her head.

“I bet he fucks a new girl every night, Kenzie. Guys like that are notorious.”

“I--Claire.”

“Kenzie, I do not want you to get fucked over by some idiot rich boy. Like, jesus. I’m shocked...and appalled.” She grinned at the last part, though. Clearly, Claire was excited over what Mackenzie had just confessed to her. She was trying--and obviously failing--to be the sensible one. A snort of amusement bubbled under her words and as she and Kenzie stared at each other, they both burst in laughter.

“Claire, what the fuck do I wear tonight.”

“Honestly, it sounds like it doesn’t matter. He’s already seen you in your birthday suit.”

“Clairebear. It was like a fairy tale. I can’t believe it happened. I smell like his soap. Like his cologne. It was like...wood and...I don’t know.”

Claire reached out, grabbing Mackenzie’s wrist, bringing it up to her nose. “Fuck,” she breathed. “That smells fucking good. Like sandalwood and jasmine.”

“I know.”

“If he does a single thing to hurt you, I will break his fucking jaw.” Claire held fast to her wrist, shaking it in a display of motherly scolding. “You know I trust you with my life, Kenzie. You know I trust your judgement. I’m gonna trust you here. But please be careful, jesus. Men like that are living in a different universe. A bizarre one where the laws of life and decency don’t apply to them. And that shit makes me nervous. And Annette Shepherd is terrifying. Even watching her on TV gives me the creeps.”

“Claire, I promise, I’ll be careful. Clairebear. Oh my god. Fuckfuckfuck.”

Kenzie saw a warm smile fall over her friend’s open face. “I cannot believe you, bitch,” Claire said, reaching over and grabbing Mackenzie by the shoulders, shaking her gently. “God, that’s a nice cardigan. What about your mom? Holy shit.”

“I know. Do not tell her, swear. Cross your heart.”

Claire crossed her right pointer finger over her ribcage, marking the spot with an X.

“You should see his walk-in closet. I thought I was gonna faint.”

“I better meet this idiot soon.”

“Claire, I love you so much.”

“I love you too, Kenzie Lou. Please be fucking careful. Oh my god.”

-----

Kenzie pushed through the door of her studio apartment, throwing her clutch in a moment of abandon across the room where it landed on her futon’s duvet, covered in constellations. Now that she was back in her little room, she wondered in awe if she’d dreamt all of it. But no. Here she was in his cardigan, bathing in the musky smell of him, totally intoxicated. She brought the arms of the sweater up to her nose, breathing in deeply. It made her dizzy. It made her think of his lips on her neck. His tongue in her mouth. His hands around her breasts, his cock pounding into her--

“Breathe, motherfucker, breathe,” she told herself. Claire was right. She would need to try to be sensible about all of this. The Shepherds were one of the most powerful families in the country, let alone in Washington. They could fuck you up in a heartbeat and throw away the key. The thought of Annette Shepherd staring her down with judging, sharp eyes made an icy chill course through her veins.

Maybe tonight is the last time I’ll see him, anyway, she thought, trying to be practical. Maybe he just wants more of what he got last night, and nothing else. You have to admit that might be true.

But then she remembered the way he’d looked up at her while he tied her sandals this morning; the way he’d slammed his coffee cup onto the counter with so much force it broke, and reached for her hand, holding it so tenderly. The way he’d pulled her into him, with such tender longing, tried to catch hold of her to kiss her again as she’d slipped out the door. Some men are really good at faking it, her mother’s voice leaked into her ears. Some will do whatever it takes to get what they want, and that includes fucking you over to fuck you.

But maybe not, she argued with the imaginary version of her mother in her head. Maybe he’s different. I have to at least let it play out. After last night, I have to, mom. If you were me, you’d do the same thing. That was the most amazing thing that has ever happened to me with another person. That felt like the look that comes into people’s eyes when they talk about soulmates. That was something else. He got into my heart. I can’t deny it. I’m already falling for him.

Oh, fuck.

Kenzie’s apartment, small as it was, was full of green falling plants and succulents, sun, moon and star motifs everywhere, from the moon cycle tapestry hanging over the door to the bathroom, to the triple moon goddess symbol she’d painted on one wall in shimmering gold, to the sun wind chime over her bed and the matching moon and star chimes that hung over her little kitchenette, little pots of succulents lining the window sills. Dozens of jars of herbs and spices lined her countertop; she saved jam jars and labeled them in her looping handwriting, some of which she’d grown herself in the shared lot behind her apartment complex. She loved the earth, being near it, nurturing it, seeing what gifts it would give her in return. She wondered if Duncan would accept a plant from her if she gave him one. She’d noticed he hadn’t had anything growing in his penthouse; wondered absently if he was too busy to look after plants. I could take care of them, the thought bubbled up in her subconscious, shyly. I would love to have so much room. I’d fill it with so many living things. I’d love to take care of them for him; a little love letter from me to him. A secret one.

She fell into her ratty armchair, a chair her mother Madeline had had since she moved into her first apartment before she’d met Madeline’s father (Richard Mapother, a successful film critic, but he and Madeline’s marriage had been short-lived after Mackenzie was born; she seldom saw her father as he lived in LA now, presiding critic for Empire magazine; Madeline had gone back to her maiden name after their divorce, had Mackenzie’s surname changed on her birth certificate, and kept it through her second marriage, which had also ended badly, this one after only a few months; he had been a fellow journalist at the Post, and it had caused a scandal). This chair Mackenzie had demanded to keep when her mother had thought about throwing it away; it had once been dark brown, but was now fraying to the point that it its color had begun to wash away. She’d covered it with a thick woven blanket covered in constellations, similar to her bedspread. Mackenzie thought of Duncan’s long leather couch, ominously immaculate and stern, and she let out a sigh. I’m sure he’d be impressed with my armchair.

Here, in the daylight, she wondered what she’d been thinking last night. She’d been so angry and annoyed after a Senator she recognized (for his infamous misogyny, no less) had attempted to chat her up at that terrible party, and she’d managed to escape onto the balcony, her nerves rattled. But the way Duncan had looked at her; she shivered recalling it. It wasn’t just desire. There was something else there. Wonder? He had looked at her in awe. The look in his eyes had been one of fascination. Dare she even think it; of reverence. It made goosebumps rise on her arms, made her heart thump in her throat, at her temples. She launched herself out of the sagging armchair, grabbing a glass out of her little cabinet, filling it with water from the tap, and draining the whole thing. She looked down at her shoes; those painful heeled sandals that Duncan had untied and re-tied with such gentle adoration. God, the way he looked at me, she swallowed, sighed, set the glass down, leaning against the counter, pushing a hand through her now almost-dry hair, moving her hands to unhook the crystal earrings from her earlobes, setting them down quietly, pensively. I don’t think I’ll ever forget it. Like I was the stars in the sky.

“To the mystery of first meetings,” he’d said. His sweet, low voice rang in the memory of her ears. Baby. You’re the most beautiful thing I’ve ever seen. Kenzie. I love that.

“I could love him,” she said out loud, to no one. Her cat, Holt, had died over a year ago, and she hadn’t had the heart to get another; she’d buried him in her herb garden in the backyard. “If he could love me, I could love him. I don’t even know him, but I think I could. I can’t have imagined it. I didn’t imagine him. I can’t have invented the way he looked at me; the way he touched me. The way he spoke to me.”

She blushed; also to no one. She would keep that secret in her heart, for now. No matter what happened, she’d keep last night and this morning in her secret heart, always.

She stepped over to her futon bed, sitting on the edge, pulling her clutch over to her from where it had landed on her pillows, pulling her phone out and setting it on her lap, leaning down to unlace her sandals. She paused, her fingers against the laces, remembering his large hands there, his long elegant fingers, pressing ardently into her skin. She almost didn’t want to take the shoes off; it was almost as if she would break some kind of spell he’d weaved there if she did, break the spell of the evening, bring her crashing back into reality. But she unlaced them anyway, biting her lip, pulling her feet out of their trappings, remembering that last night he’d kissed the red marks the laces had left on her ankles, and she shivered again, brought the cardigan’s long sleeves to her face again, feeling as though, for some reason, she could cry.

Her phone was still on silent, but through misty eyes she noticed the screen light up on her lap. She looked down, pushing the sudden tears away, banishing them behind her eyes, which, though she could not see them herself, glowed with a similar dark green shade as the one they’d turned last night, looking down at Duncan between her legs. She flipped the sound switch on the side of the phone.

You left your necklace in the bathroom and your headband on the nightstand. I can give them back to you tonight. I can’t wait to see you, Kenzie.

“Oh, fuck,” she muttered. Now he probably thought she’d left them behind on purpose. She’d been so dazed, so dizzy in his embraces, she’d felt like she was on some other plane, in some other world, and she’d forgotten her jewelry utterly.

Ugh, sorry. She typed, biting into her lip. I didn’t mean to do that. You were distracting me. She couldn’t help it. She was honest to a fault, and that was the truth.

Her heart jumped around in her chest as she watched the telltale text bubbles appear for a moment. They disappeared. Then reappeared. She didn’t notice, but she was holding her breath.

I’d keep them forever if it meant I’d see you again. I want to distract you again. And again. And again.

“Oh my fucking god,” she whispered to herself, hands gripping the phone with white fingers.

She typed something, erased it, and then retyped it. She closed her eyes, and hit send. No takebacks. It was gone. She did it.

I want you to.

She stared at her phone, breathless, for a few moments. No text bubbles appeared. The moment stretched; became a minute. She had to breathe; she felt the tightness around her heart.

Then, the text bubbles appeared.

She stared, her eyes still cast with that greenish hue she couldn’t see, her phone grasped between her fingers in her lap, her feet bare, her hair smelling of Duncan’s jasmine soap.

I am waiting for tonight with an ache in my heart for you that I’ve never felt before for anyone.

She read the text. Again. Again. Five times, six times, her breath catching in her lungs, refusing to come out, filling her mind with a sound like angels singing at the gates of heaven. Duncan Shepherd had just sent that to her. Reality no longer made any sense. She resolved deep inside her soul that she was going to let this happen to her. Come what may, the hand of destiny was pressing down on her. A sixth sense spoke to her: now is not the time to play it safe. Open yourself to this. Let this happen to you. To live is to love. That’s all there is.

“Okay,” she whispered. She typed one more time.

Duncan, I feel the same way. You’ve touched my heart.

The text came back right away.

See you at 9. Tonight, everything is for you.

She laid back onto her blanket of constellations, her head falling between the lower arms of Cancer, Iota Cancri extending into the heavens above her, Acubens and Altarf on either side of her chestnut waves, adorning her temples like a crown. Everything is for you.

-------

She woke a little later, her phone dinging its trumpet sound out again into her little apartment, her eyes falling on the sun-shaped celestial wind chime that hung beside her bed. She liked to listen to its soft rustling at night; it helped her sleep now, a unique white noise that she had become attached to. She grasped the phone, heart pounding again; an hour had passed, she hadn’t even realized she had fallen asleep, there had been so much adrenaline coursing through her since this morning, she must have crashed particularly hard.

The text was from Claire. She swallowed, pushing down the disappointed feeling that rose unbidden under her skin. You’re seeing him in a few hours, calm down.

Clairebear: Kenzie Lou, I found the perfect dress for you tonight.

Claire worked for a designer; her name was Morgan Winthrop, and her work was dark, beautiful, and romantic. The velvet dress Mackenzie had worn last night to that terrible (wonderful, fateful) party had been a sample piece from Winthrop’s collection from the previous fall. “I thought of you right away when I saw it,” Claire had said, holding it up to the warm evening light of her stylish living room over their Chinese takeout. Mackenzie trusted Claire more than anyone, and knew her best friend understood her taste and her body; if Claire said she had found her a perfect dress, Mackenzie believed her.

A photo followed the text. Kenzie gasped. Claire hadn’t been kidding.

It was perfect.

------

Kenzie glanced down at her phone with fingers that refused to stop shaking. It was 8 PM. One hour. She turned back to her bathroom mirror (surrounded by small prints of celestial scenes and constellations in gold-painted frames), trying to steady the hand that was applying kohl under her hazel eyes, which looked far too big and worried and round in her little bathroom mirror. Kenzie. What are you doing. What’s happening. She blew a shaking breath out; just get your shit together, you can do this. You can be calm and collected. You can be a goddess.

No, I can’t.

You can.

Her little bluetooth speaker sat on top of her toilet tank, the only steady, non-damp place for it. An angelic soprano’s voice rang from it, soothing her shaking fingers. And I, I feel it after midnight, a feelin’ that you can’t fight / my one, it lingers when we’re done, you’ll believe God is a Woman

She’d gone to Morgan’s studio after Claire’s text; Morgan had been pleased to see her and fit the dress for her. “Darling, you’re a muse, your coquettish charm is indescribably lovely,” Morgan had cooed to her, gloved hands beckoning to her, Morgan’s wild, frizzy orange hair catching the afternoon light from the windows of her open-spaced studio with its black-and-white striped walls. “I’m delighted to fit you for a romantic evening, you of all people deserve joy.” Mackenzie had looked down shyly at her words; if only Morgan knew what would probably be happening to the dress later, tossed to the floor. She stood in front of the long mirror quietly as Morgan pinned and prodded with agile practice; as she watched, the dress melded to her body like a second skin.

“Ravishing,” Morgan had stated, matter-of-factly, as she stood back to gaze at Mackenzie through the mirror. Claire looked on from a little further away, seated on a bench, watching as she had for the past hour or so. “Oh, Kenzie,” she breathed. “He’ll die.”

And he see the universe when I’m the company / it’s all in me

Kenzie set down the kohl pencil, reaching for the choker she’d placed carefully on the side of the sink. It was black velvet, with a downwards-facing crescent moon charm hanging from the throat, similar to the one on the back of her phone case. She fastened it around her neck, her thoughts flashing back to Duncan’s hands there, pressing with their impossible soft heat, thrilling every nerve ending in her body, like they belonged there. She stared at herself in the small mirror.

Fortune favors the bold, she thought, staring into her own eyes. Yet another one of her mother’s sayings.

Make me bold, she whispered silently, out into the universe, to whoever was listening, if anyone was at all. Give me a heart made of light, the better to see with, the better to feel with, give me the heart to see him. And give him the heart to see me. Give us both courage to say the things we feel.

She felt that indescribable heaviness again; like the giant wheel of time was turning on some far-flung stage of the universe, a colossal event that she couldn’t see; she could only feel it. She could only hang on and hope. Kenzie took another breath, shook out her long chestnut hair (adorned with another gold headband, this one with three moons, waxing, full, and waning), turned off the bathroom light, and went to her mother’s ratty armchair to wait for the clock to strike 9, the music still ringing in her ears.

You’ll believe God / God is a Woman

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