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cinewhore · 1 year

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The Only Exception

Pairing: Michael Berzatto x fem!reader

read extended cut here [x]

Word Count: 2.6k

Warnings: mentions of drinking, toxic family dynamics, smut 18+ (groping, male receiving oral, penetration, unprotected sex, facial cumshot). fluff and some angst!

A/N: girlies, the whore jumped out! Takes place during episode 6 season 2. Credit to the gif creator! I hope y’all enjoy it.

Nothing ever goes smoothly with the Berzatto’s.

Why you thought this holiday dinner was going to be any different was beyond any rational comprehension.

Trying not to be a complete klutz and ruin the side dish you’ve been working on the entire day, you delicately balance it in your left hand while adjusting your scarf tighter around your neck with your right. Putting a pep in your step, you round the corner from where you parked, spotting the stoop instantly.

It was a rare sighting to see all three of the Berzatto siblings together. With Carmy being away at culinary school, Mikey doing his own thing with the restaurant and Natalie living her life, one person always missed the other. It warmed your heart to see just how much they cared about each other, even if they didn’t show it in a normal or healthy way.

“Is that who I think it is?” Mikey’s voice booms over the light traffic passing by, handing Carmy the cigarette he was puffing on.

You crack a smile, despite it feeling like your lips were stuck together due to the cold weather. “Sorry, I’m a bit late. Fuckin’ cat had my keys.”

“How many times did I tell you to get rid of the cat?” Mikey leans down to kiss you but you turn your head, forcing him to peck you on the cheek instead.

“C’mon, baby.” he drawls, throwing you a bashful smile.

You huff out a sigh, lowering your voice. “You know I hate the smoking.”

Mikey nods, face fading into something serious before vanishing. “I know you do. You didn’t bring fish, did you?”

Side-stepping the tall Berzatto, you get pulled into a hug by Natalie, followed by Carmen.

“Hello, gorgeous! It’s so good to see you!” Natalie kisses you on both cheeks before making the move to grab the dish out of your hands. You pull back, shooting her a look.

“Nat, please. I got it.”

“Are you sure?” you watch as her bottom lip quivers a bit. You steal a glance at Carmy, who just shakes his head.

“Fuck. How bad is it?” you gaze at the disheveled trio, awaiting an answer.

Finally, Mikey breaks the silence.

“It’s at a five. Six, at best.”

You lick your lips, rocking back and forth on your heels. “That’s not too bad, right?”

“Right.” Carmy agrees, with Natalie humming in agreement.

“Just don’t fucking ask if she’s doing ok.” Mikey glimpses at his sister, placing hand on your lower back to guide you into the house.

You take a deep breath and exhale through your nose, plastering a smile on your face before entering the shit show.

You’d only been there an hour and you were called the wrong name three times, objectified, cursed at and now Fak was trying to get you to put up five hundred dollars for baseball cards.

Listening with great intent, nodding at all the right times and twirling the wine glass in your hands desperately wanting to get another refill had your social energy spent.

“We could make you a lot of money, cousin.” Fak goes on, nudging his brother for support.

“Yeah-yeah! Think about what you could do with fifteen hundred bucks! Cold hard cash!” the lookalike chimes in.

“Wow, no, yeah this-this sounds like the opportunity of a lifetime.” you murmur. Don’t take it the wrong way, you loved Fak. His personality was infectious, you’ve never seen him get overly angry despite the other guys giving him shit constantly and he genuinely goes out of his way to help everyone. Back when you first started dating Mikey and moved apartments in the city, Fak volunteered to make sure your place was in tiptoe shape and refused payment.

Just then Steve, Michelle’s husband, passes by and you seize your opportunity.

“Steve! How are you?” you beckon him over, scooting over on the tiny couch so he could sit beside you.

“Ah, yes. Mikey’s girl who we aren’t sure how he managed to snag. Good to see you again.”

You brush off his comment with a tired smile, gesturing to Fak and his brother. “So, these guys have a proposition for you, right?”

You nod enthusiastically with them, giving Fak a secret wink.

“Oh, yes! Yes! Do you like baseball cards, Steve?”

“On that note,” you stand up and maneuver yourself out the nook. “I’m gonna go get a refill. Leave you gentlemen to handle business.”

Mocking a military salute, you dash towards the kitchen bypassing other members of the family.

Donna flurries around the kitchen, shouting instructions to no one in particular. You didn’t greet her as soon as you came in, knowing how she gets around this time of the year. To be honest, you were sure that she didn’t exactly like you.

“Donna, my goodness! You look wonderful.” you lay the complement on sweetly, smiling brightly. If you don’t wilt in her presence, she wouldn’t be able to smell the fear on you.

Donna swivels her head to look at you, cigarette dangling from her lipstick smeared lips. Eyes lined in thick mascara, her disapproving expression ripples through you. You smile wider.

“I brought over a little casserole. I figured it would compliment the fish nicely.”

Shifting to face you fully, Donna crosses her arms. “Casserole? What casserole?”

You point to the tin foiled dish. “That one. Mikey brought in, did he not tell you?”

She scoffs. “Yeah, just like he told me about him breaking things off with what’s her name.”

“Anna.” you mutter, swallowing the lump that quietly made its way up your throat.

“Yeah, Anna.” Donna turns back to the task at hand, haphazardly swinging a knife about. “I liked her better.”

Forgoing your much desired glass of wine, you stalk out of the kitchen. On the outside looking in, the Berzatto’s appeared to be your average family. The warm glow of the lights shining out into the frost covered sidewalks invited you in all those years ago and once inside, you then realized why people were so hesitant to accept invites or why Mikey refused to bring up his past.

You didn’t have this growing up. Your family life was much quieter, mom and dad both kept to themselves. Distant cousins never visited for the holidays and you were an only child so there weren’t any siblings to fall back on.

It was boring.

Drove you crazy.

So when the Berzatto’s welcomed you in with open arms (well, some of them) you threw yourselves to the wolves willingly. It helped you grow a thick skin, talk over people and man handle the biggest guys in the room. For that, you were thankful.

A hand reaches out and grabs your wrist, dragging you away from everyone and up the stairs. Mikey is headstrong in his quest to get you alone, not caring to see if you were keeping up the pace. You both stagger inside his room, the door shut soundly behind you, followed by the lock turning.

Mikey doesn’t give you a second to react, mouth leaving open tongued kisses along your jaw and collarbone, hands working at tugging up your skirt.

“Mikey, baby, baby, wait-” you plead, backing up to create space between the two of you.

He flops onto the bed, hands on his knees, fingers raking through his hair again and again.

You’re careful as you sit next to him, scratching your own fingers along the center of his back. “What’s wrong?”

“Nothing.” is all he utters.

“Bullshit. Talk to me.”

He doesn’t have to say anything else, you get it. The party continues below you both, profanities and insults flying like it's nobody's business. It was too much. For Mikey, Camry, anyone. The more time you spent with his family, the more you realized why Carmen never came back to visit. Why Michelle skipped out of town and up to New York. Anything to keep the family an arms distance away.

Why Mikey feels trapped.

“I know.” you whisper against his shoulder, mouth pressing in tiny kisses. You lift his head up with both of your hands, cradling his face gingerly. The tiredness exudes for nearly every crevice, eye bags worn and solidified. You use your thumb to smooth out his forehead, laughing softly when he wrinkles it more.

“You’ll always have me, Berzatto.”

“I don’t deserve you. Never did.”

You tut. “That’s not true. You’ve always had me. From the moment you sold me that greasy, sloppy sandwich down at The Beef. I was a goner.”

Mikey chuckles, leaning into your hands more. “I got you something.”

Your eyes go wide, brows forming a skeptical look. “Is that so?”

Mikey flickers his eyes down to his pants and you scoff.

“Wow, Michael. Are you gifting me your penis? Again? I must’ve been too nice this year.” you gently slap his face in mock anger.

“Haha,” he deadpans. “Try my pockets, detective wiseass.”

You let go of his face and rummage through his pants pocket, producing a ball of torn tissue paper, kept together by a single piece of tape. Confused but curious, you unwrap the gift, facing dropping as your eyes find his.

The tissue tumbles to the ground, revealing a necklace. At the bottom of it dangled a charm of…cheese?

“I remember the first day you came into the shop. Like a goddamn bat outta hell. Never seen anything like it. You ordered a grilled cheese sandwich and asked for, um, what was it?”

“Havarti-”

That’s right! Fuckin’ havarti cheese! What the hell even is that?”

“How do you own a sandwich shop and not provide a variety of cheeses, I don’t understand it.”

Mikey gawks at you. “Babe, we’re called The Beef. Not the cheese. But you wanna know what I did?”

You encourage him to finish, as if you didn’t know the rest of the story.

“I told you to wait and-and I was gonna go check in the back. I booked it out of the back door, all the way down to Malik’s corner store and bought the most expensive cheese he had. I rush back to the shop and guess what?”

“You made the sandwich.”

Mikey’s face cracks into the biggest grin you’d ever seen, eyes crinkled at the corners. “I made the goddamn sandwich. Brought it out to you myself. Told you that we didn’t serve grilled cheese but for you, I’d make an exception.”

Your eyes well over in tears and you blink rapidly to keep them from falling. “That’s the sweetest thing anyone has done for me, ya know.”

“You’re telling me all I had to do was buy you some cheese to get in your pants? Hot damn.”

You playfully shove Mikey back against the bed, crawling over to straddle him. “Well, it worked after a while, didn’t it?”

Mikey thrusts upwards, growing erection sliding against your damp underwear.

“It sure did.”

He grabs the back of your neck, surging up to slot his mouth against yours. You aren’t delicate in the way you claw at him, nails digging into his tanned flesh. Pushing up your skirt, Mikey palms your ass, stroking it before landing a hard smack against it. You moan into his neck, biting down.

“Perkiest ass I’ve ever seen, baby, shit.” Mikey groans, voice an octave deeper.

“And it’s yours. All yours.”

Mikey secures the back of your head as he flips the two of you over, pushing you down on your stomach. You do the rest of the work for him, sticking your ass up, and curving your back into an arch.

Mikey readily pulls down the zipper of his pants, hands readjusting his briefs until he is able to free himself. Spitting obscenely in his palm, Mikey shoves your panties to the side and rubs his saliva across your slickness. You buck back into him, whimpering when he graces you with a lone finger to loosen you up. You whine and wiggle your ass some more, ready to receive all that he was going to give you.

“Gonna give my baby what she wants, don’t you worry.” Mikey purrs, aligning himself to enter you. He slides in easily, the strained sigh as he fully situates him inside you never ceasing to make you wetter.

You pull yourself up so that you were resting on your hands, peeking over your shoulder to catch a gaze at Mikey as you begin to fuck him. He was enthralled at the sight of his cock pumping in and out of you, the way you were able to handle him without saying a single word.

He would love to take his time and thoroughly explore your cunt but time is of the essence. Wrapping his right hand around your neck once again, he yanks you up into a deeper arch, left hand on your hip in a deathgrip. He meets your thrusts with his own, dropping his left leg down on the floor to gain some balance.

Between the familial bickering creeping up the stairs, all that could be heard was the squelching of your pussy and the labored breathing of Mikey, muffled praises spurring you on further.

He slaps your ass again and you tighten around him, eyes rolling to the top of your head as you attempt to hold onto his arms for dear life.

“Mikey, oh fucking god, baby you’re gonna make me come so hard. Please, please, please!”

He answers you by sticking his fingers in your mouth and you automatically clamp down on them, sucking and gagging until spit dribbles down the side of your mouth.

Mikey picks up speed and the coil inside you breaks as you reach your peak, legs stiffening as you rear back against Mikey. He continues to fuck you, albeit at a slower tempo, humming as you spasm against him.

“That’s my girl, my favorite fucking girl. Where do you want mine, huh? Tell me where you want it.”

He removes his fingers and lets them trail down to tease and pick at your hardened nipples that now poke through your shirt.

“I wanna taste. Want it in my mouth.”

“Fuck.” Mikey lets you go and you catch yourself before you fall completely face first into the bed.

“Get on your knees, now.”

You do as you're told, scurrying to position yourself on your knees in front of Mikey. Mouth open and head tilted back, you let a hand caress your breast as the other slithers up his thigh.

Mikey is affectionate as he goes to grab the back of your head, other hand tirelessly stroking his cock. A vein pops out of forehead as he grunts, a few milky droplets coating your face, before steady ropes accompany it. A few of them land in your mouth and you swallow it all eagerly.

Mikey tries to calm his breathing, watching you with hooded eyes as you lick at the tip of his cock, cleaning up the remnants of yourself off of him. You take him down all the way to the shaft for shits and giggles, pulling off of him with a low pop.

“Goddamn devil.”

You wink, swiping at the mess you could feel dripping on your face. Mikey helps to clean you up, both fixing each other’s clothes to appear less wrinkled. Seemingly ok with your appearance, you start to head downstairs but Mikey stops you.

He steps behind you, lifting up the necklace he got you. He fastens it, walking to your front to admire it.

You grab his hand and bring it to your mouth for a kiss.

“It’s you and me, Berzatto.”

“You and me.”

Exhaling heavily, you open the door to reenter the Berzatto family chaos, a new found confidence lighting your path.

#Mikey berzatto x fem reader #Michael berzatto x reader #Michael berzatto x fem reader #the bear fanfiction

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mykoreanlove · 4 months

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Jackson on Kinjaz

Your phone was blowing up constantly.

„Oh my god, did you see this?????“, your friend asked.

With shaking hands you clicked on the link.

„I used to be critical on myself in my mind in a negative way. Not healthy. At all. I would call myself names and put myself down in my mind. I drank the most disgusting shakes for my body health but up here? I was rotting.“

„Yeah, yeah. I remember videos of that nasty shake. What did you put in there - chicken?“

„Gotta get my protein, man. But you know I would constantly feel guilty for what I have done or what I might do.“

„Like what?“

„Like. Okay, like did I practice enough? Is magic man good enough? What if I let everybody down? How will I cope? How will I live?

All these voices.. these fucking nagging voices were with me 24/7.“

„Damn that sounds tough. What did you do?“

„I thought it was impossible to fix because I tried so hard and nothing changed me. Or if it did, it would only last a couple of weeks and I’d be back to feeling like shit and talking down on myself.

Jackson, you moron, how could you do this? Did you really think you could make it? You don’t deserve this success. You don’t deserve to be happy.“

„Jackson, bro. I feel for you. Really.“

„Look, I’m just being honest. I would naturally think of punishments coming my way. I’d imagine injuring myself or loosing all my fans or money. I’d think of the most horrific shit late at night when I should be peacefully sleeping.

I would try to change my thoughts to change my feeling. I would rationalize my way out for hours to only find myself entering a new cave.“

„Like a merry go round.“

„Exactly, I was stuck. Same shit, different day. My gut always had this underlying feeling of tension.

I tried my best to give myself relief but like I said, I could not find Relief for longer than a week. Maybe a month at best.“

„Is that why you turned to alcohol? Because I remember you chugging down a bottle of Hennessy and thought to myself that’s not normal.“

„Oh, of course I started drinking more. I needed more. What used to make me pass out back then is like a cute little cocktail to me now.“

„Damn, that really is a lot to handle. Did you try other things, as well?“

„Look, I tried everything in the book. You name it, I tried it. Worked out. Meditated. Drank. Had sex. Nothing could give me what I craved so badly. Nothing. Until I found her.“

You swallowed hard.

You had no idea that he would share all this with the public. You were very well aware of his struggles but hearing him talk about them upset you. It broke your heart imagining him like that, all dim and broken.

Also, it made you nervous.

You had no idea that he would introduce you into the world like this.

You had no idea that he would reveal your relationship to his homies on a podcast.

Yet, you were intrigued.

„Her as in …?“

„You see, love is a funny thing, right? I didn’t plan to fall in love, nor did I want to but I kind of did. I found the one, man. I found the love of my life and I was lucky enough to have her love me back. Do you know how rare that is?“

„Yeah, it is for you. I remember our last interview and how we wanted to get you on tinder and shit.“

„Exactly! I used to be on my own for years. Years, man. I gave up on love completely, thinking this was meant for others but certainly not me. And then she came into my life. Like an angel that was coming down to help me. Save me even.“

„Your savior, huh?“

„I swear to god her love saved me. It saved me from drugs, it saved me from self destruction and first and foremost it saved me from myself. I gotta be honest man, if I hadn’t met y/n I wouldn’t even be here anymore.“

„Wow. That’s, that’s a pretty heavy revelation. I’m glad you’re doing better now.“

„Oh, I am. Management is probably going to kick my ass later but I don’t care. Let me loose fans, let me loose money. I don’t give a shit. If you support me now, you support the real Jackson Wang. And that’s me right now - happily coupled to the most beautiful soul on this planet. If you can’t handle that - my bad.“

„Okay guys, it’s over. China‘s most wanted bachelor is officially off the market. WHOOOO!!“

„Yeah, the king has finally found its queen.“

„So, what is she like?“

You paused the interview and took a deep breath. Jackson was very vocal of his feelings for you, but hearing it like that felt different. The biggest smile was plastered on his face as he was talking about you.

You as in his queen.

You as in future Miss Wang.

Hundreds of butterflies announced themselves in your stomach, making you giddy and joyful.

„Oh man, she is the best. Like, she is so breathtakingly beautiful. Inside and out. We have the best conversations. I feel like she is my best friend. Truly, no one gets me like she does. It’s just.. it’s effortlessly easy. We laugh a lot, we talk a lot, we share everything with each other. I’m just so grateful, man.“

„Yeah, I can see that. You’re grinning from ear to ear. Make sure to invite me to your wedding.“

„Like you invited me to your birthday?“

„Okayyyyy, let’s wrap it up. Guys, that’s it for today. Thank you Jackson, really appreciate you brother.“

You stopped the video, giggling at your petty boyfriend.

„Remind me to have a word with you once you’re back, yeah?“, you texted him.

It didn’t take him a second to instantly call you.

„Did you see it? Already? Damn babygirl, you’re quick“, he teased.

„You could have warned me, Wang!“

„I didn’t plan to say all that but I couldn’t help myself. It just.. it just came out of me. I really meant it though.“

„Everything?“

He knew exactly what you were implying.

„Oh, I’m gonna make you Miss Wang for sure. Rule my kingdom with me? Please?“

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ladykailitha · 1 year

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Can Anybody See Me? Part 7

And here we get to my little headcanon about Gareth. I saw a gif of Nancy talking to a kid with a camera at the game in season 4 and thought it was Gareth. But Gareth is shorter with darker curls. So meet Gethin, Gareth’s taller fraternal twin.

On the tagging, I HAVE REACHED MY HARD AND FAST LIMIT OF 50. I love the response this story has gotten. I do. I love you all. I love every reply, like, and reblog. It brings me so much joy, you don’t even know. But tagging is hard for my ADHD brain. I have gone up from 20 to 30 and finally 50 as my system improved but I think if I do any more than that I’ll go insane. So any future tagging requests will be ignored. Sorry.

The best way to keep update on these stories is follow me and set me on notifications. I rarely do a lot of reblogging these days (too busy churning out stories like whoa), so more often then not a post will be a story. I try to post at least once a day (some times twice if I’m trying to rush through the posting a bit like I did to make sure the Valentine fic got out in time without making people wait on Vamp!Eddie), just never at set time.

Part 1 Part 2 Part 3 Part 4 Part 5 Part 6

Steve was the last one to arrive.

Again.

But at least this time he wasn’t late. Just last. Fucking story of his life. Thankfully all four of them were waiting in the open garage. He could see Gareth’s drum kit in the corner, but none of the other guys brought their instruments.

“You found the place okay?” Jeff asked.

“Took a wrong turn somewhere, I guess,” Steve groused. “But I finally got back on track.”

“Come on in,” Gareth said. “My mom made homemade hot chocolate and sugar cookies.”

Steve lit up. “Sounds great.” He poured himself some hot chocolate and a couple of cookies, shoving one into his mouth immediately.

“So how we do this,” Jeff explained. “Everyone hands out their presents and then one person at a time opens all of theirs at once.”

“And since this is your first time,” Gareth said, “you’ll get to go first.”

Steve blushed. “Thanks guys.” He frowned suddenly realizing something. “Wait...how did you guys know what to get me?”

All four boys just grinned at him. “Well, that’s not creepy at all.”

“You’ll figure it out,” Eddie said, patting him on the shoulder.

Steve opened his gifts and since the point was to be outrageous, he laughed when he pulled out a pair of Speedo’s. “Do I even want to know which of you guys got this for me?”

Brian shook his head. “It’s better if you don’t know, man. Forbidden knowledge that.”

Steve nodded. The last thing was one of those auto-signature pictures of the 1984 Olympic gold medal swimming relay team. He looked up at Eddie, somehow knowing it was from him.

“Thanks, man. I love it.” At Gareth’s questioning look he explained. “I’m on the relay team at school. It was so fun watching this. They even had the Olympic trails right here in Indy.”

“Wow,” Jeff said. “That is cool.”

Eddie just cleared his throat and shove hair in front of his face to hide his embarrassment.

They went around the room, Gareth, Brian, Jeff and then finally Eddie.

Eddie got temporary tattoos.

“These ones are legal,” Brian teased.

A pack of guitar picks and a new DM screen. And then he got to Steve’s.

Steve squirmed in his seat, because he knew he had blown the limit. But when he saw it he knew he had to get it for the metalhead.

He opened it up to see a black leather wallet with a skull and a red lightning bolt behind it. It had a small metal ring for a chain to be clipped onto.

Eddie looked up at him with shiny eyes. “Steve...”

“I told you I was going to get you something nice for you and your uncle letting me come over and spend Christmas with you.”

“Steve wins,” Gareth said.

“Agreed,” Jeff and Brian said together.

Steve blushed. “I’m just glad everyone enjoyed their gifts.”

“You ready for some D&D?” Eddie asked trying to change the subject. Not just because he was uncomfortable, but because he had a feeling that Steve was too.

Steve nodded. “I got some pointers from Dustin and Lucas when I dropped them off. They also let me borrow some dice.”

“That’s some friends you got there, Steve-o,” Jeff said.

They led the way inside and Steve was sat between Eddie who was DMing and Gareth.

They had just gotten settled when another boy came out of the kitchen munching away on leftover ham. Steve had to blink. He looked over at Gareth and then back to the boy.

The Corroded Coffin boys grinned.

“Meet my fraternal twin, Gethin,” Gareth said, batting his eyelashes innocently.

Steve’s eyes went wide. “Holy shit, dude. I didn’t know you were a twin.”

Gethin rolled his eyes. “I’m the cooler old brother of the pair.”

“By two minutes,” Gareth said rolling his eyes.

Gethin’s eyes glittered with malice. “Still counts, nerd.”

“Go back to your camera, dweeb!”

Steve just shook his head.

“All right, let’s roll up these characters,” Eddie said rubbing his hands together and cackling gleefully.

It took a bit for Steve to get the hang of it, but he needed less and less help from Eddie or Gareth as the game went on.

They all died spectacularly.

“That was fun,” Steve said as they cleaned up.

“It’s not that bad with a campaign normally,” Brian said. “Unless specified to be a kill your darlings kind of game.”

“The point is to get your character to level twenty and beat the final boss, right?” Steve asked.

“That’s right,” Jeff said. “Sometimes we play with the club and sometimes it’s just us four having a blast. Our characters have been a party for about three years now.”

Steve let out a low whistle. “That is a long time.”

“We’ve got a paladin, that’s Jeff,” Eddie explained. “A wizard, that’s Gareth’s character. And Brian’s rogue.”

“And your druid, right?” Steve said snapping his fingers, remembering what Eddie said at the mall.

“That’s right, sweetheart.”

Steve grinned. “That’s so cool.”

“Hey, Steve,” Jeff asked. “Is okay if me and Brian get a ride home with you. Eddie lives on the other end of town and Gareth drove so...”

Steve shrugged. “Sure. Ready when you are.”

Jeff and Brian gave Eddie and Gareth hugs and then followed Steve out.

Once Steve had left Eddie turned to Gareth.

“So how did he do?”

Eddie wasn’t going to force his friends to like Steve. They didn’t have to. But he would like them to.

“He seems pretty chill,” Gareth said. “Gotta wonder if a couple of concussions changed his personality.”

Eddie nodded. This definitely wasn’t the Steve Harrington of last year. Or hell even of their experience with the guy as a whole.

“I don’t know,” he said. “I think maybe there were flashes before this.” He threw his arms in the air. “Because yeah, head injuries can cause personality changes, but I think at the fundamentals he’s still the same person he’s always been. Just now he can be himself instead of whatever Tommy H and Carol wanted him to be.”

“A funky little dork who is just trying his best?”

“Exactly,” Eddie said. “I just wonder what made him decide to give up all the popularity.”

Gareth nodded.

They hung out a few times with Steve and sometimes it was just Steve and Eddie.

Eddie could tell that there was something that was bothering him. Something that went deeper than feral dogs and beat downs by California transfer students.

But every time Eddie would get close, Steve would shut down. Once he got so upset he got up and left. Eddie was on the phone every day for three days trying to apologize. It took actually going to his house and threatening to beat the door down before he got through to Steve.

“Hey, don’t do that,” Eddie growled. “What if you had another concussion and no one was around to help you, dude. You could have died.”

Steve sighed. “Sorry. I can’t talk about it. Like literally, legally on pain of incarceration can’t talk about it.”

Eddie blinked. How the hell did a seventeen year old boy get mixed up in something that could get him arrested for talking about it?

“So write me a story or paint me a picture,” Eddie said. “Something, because it’s eating you alive. Is there someone you could talk to? An adult or something because fucking hell, Harrington you look like someone walked over your grave.”

Steve dug the meat of his palms into his eyes. “I know. There are a couple people I could talk to but they have so much to worry about.”

Eddie thought for a minute. “This is about Will and El isn’t it?”

Steve’s head whirled to face him, fear etched into every line of his face. “I don’t know what you mean...”

Bingo.

“A girl turns up out of no where and boy that was dead, suddenly isn’t?” Eddie said cocking his head. “Doesn’t take a genius to figure out the two are connected.”

Steve looked down at the floor. “Whatever you can imagine, just know it’s much, much worse.”

Eddie nodded. “So I’m guessing the adults are Mrs Byers and Chief Hopper?”

Steve nodded. “And the other people that know about it are all younger than me. So...”

“So tell me a story...” Eddie said. “Change the names, the details, but tell me a story. Or paint me a series of pictures. I’ve seen drawing pads all over your place, man. Just something, anything. Okay?”

Steve sighed. “Yeah, okay. I’ll try. Because you’re right. I need to release it somehow. Keeping it bottle up inside isn’t good.”

Eddie smiled. “There you go. Now go get dressed, we’re going to grab a bite to eat.”

Steve smiled softly. “Okay.”

After the first week of January Steve came up to him, eyes darting around him like he was nervous. So Eddie pulled him into the janitor’s closet.

“Hey, I need you take a deep breath for me,” Eddie said as Steve started to hyperventilate.

Steve struggled to obey.

“Hey, hey,” Eddie said, soothingly, rubbing his arms up and down. “Take a deep breath.” Steve managed that at least. “Good, now let it out slow.” The breath shuddered, but still it came out slow. “Now can you repeat that for me.”

“I’m in so much trouble, man,” Steve sobbed, sliding to the floor, his knees to his chest. “We have to do a comic in art class and so I thought I would do what you suggested. Make a comic out of the hell I went through. Only Miss Chen thinks that it’s too dark and wants to call my parents.”

Eddie’s eyes went wide. “Shit!” He began pacing back and forth. “Do you think your parents will come?”

Steve shrugged. “I don’t know. But I’m terrified that if they see it...”

“They’ll lock you up and throw away the key?” Eddie suggested.

He nodded.

Eddie took a deep breath. “Okay. Do you still want it or do you want it destroyed?”

Steve opened his mouth to answer, but frowned. He closed his mouth and really thought about it. “I’d like you to see it,” he said quietly.

“All right,” Eddie said. “I won’t go into details, because you need plausible deniability. But the first page of your comic isn’t going to be there tomorrow. And hopefully with it gone, Miss Chen won’t call your parents. Okay?”

Steve nodded.

Eddie opened the door to leave when Steve called out.

“Hey, Eds?”

“Yeah, Stevie?” Eddie asked, turning back to him.

“Thanks.”

Eddie smiled softly and then made his way out of the closet, giving Steve time to collect himself before he faced the hell of high school once again.

Eddie couldn’t be involved in the art theft either. It would be expected. So he enlisted Gethin’s help.

“And you’ll give Janice my number?” Gethin asked, eyeing him suspiciously.

Eddie threw his arms in the air. “For the last time, yes! Besides, she probably already has it as you know, your TWIN is in the same club as she is?”

“What do you get out of this?” Gethin asked.

“I’m the one that suggested it in the first place,” Eddie admitted, putting his hands on his lower back. “So it’s my job to get him out of the trouble I put him in.”

Gethin rubbed his chin thoughtfully. “Steve’s going through some pretty heavy shit, huh?”

Eddie licked his lips. “Yeah, man. I thought he could get it out safely through his art, but even though Jeff and I have turned in far worse stuff...”

“Because it’s coming from Steve, obviously he’s acting out,” Gethin supplied.

“Pretty much the whole thing in a nutshell,” Eddie said.

Gethin nodded.

“So you’ll do it?” Eddie asked.

“Yeah, I’ll do it,” he said.

Part 8 Part 9 Part 10 Part 11 Part 12 Part 13 Part 14 Part 15 Part 16 Part 17 Part 18 Part 19 Part 20 Part 21

Tag list: @shrimply-a-menace @strangersteddierthings @throwbackthrowaway @novelnovella @cursedfoxteeth @babyblender @lifeisnotsobadonceyoustopcaring @swimmingbirdrunningrock @steve-the-hairrington @winterbuckwild @spectrum-spectre @matchingbatbites @garden-of-gay @anaibis @thing-a-ling @fandemonium-takes-its-toll @artiststarme @sundead @nelotegreitic @gregre369 @butterflysandpeppermint @thedragonsaunt @kodaik97 @messrs-weasley @scarletzgo @deadlydodos @renaissan-vvitch @evix-syne666 @emly03 @justforthedead89 @ashwinmeird @huniibee @phantypurple @stevesbipanic @shucks-yuckyuck @awkwardgravity1 @bookbinderbitch @reportinglivefromsoda @chasinggeese @be-the-spark-bitch @jinxjinn @kohlraedirectioner @cr0w-culture @xjessicafaithx @whimsicalwitchm @jaywhohasthegay @dangdirtydemons @lovelyscot @howincrediblysapphicofyou @the-redthread

#My writing #stranger things #steddie #canon divergence #the boy with the bat #ladykailtiha writes

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blu-joons · 2 years

Text

When He Notices Your Baby Bump For The First Time ~ BTOB Reaction

Eunkwang:

“I can really see it now,” Eunkwang accidentally spoke aloud as he watched you walk around the apartment, getting a rare side view of you that allowed him to see your bump.

Your shoulders shrugged as a giggle escaped trying to figure Eunkwang out. “I’m hoping your talking about the bump and not my bum, it’s all getting big with this pregnancy.”

“Of course, I mean the bump, but the bum thing isn’t such a bad thing either.”

Your head shook at Eunkwang’s remark, a snigger coming from him as he knew he was pushing the boundaries. “You’re lucky I’m pregnant otherwise you’d be in big trouble for saying that to me Seo Eunkwang.”

“I can definitely see that you’re pregnant now,” Eunkwang chuckled, “I’ve blinked and suddenly you’re really pregnant Y/N.”

“I’ve not been faking it for the first few weeks,” you laughed in reply, “I’ve really been pregnant all this time you know.”

“But seeing it is different,” he whispered, “like there really is a little life there.”

“I know, our little life too.”

Minhyuk:

“Since when did you suddenly have such a prominent bump,” Minhyuk mumbled behind you, wrapping his arm over your waist as he cuddled up to you, waiting for his alarm.

You nuzzled back to press yourself against Minhyuk’s chest, “doesn’t it just feel like all of a sudden it’s really starting to show? A couple of days ago there was nothing there to feel.”

“It feels like the first proper sign that we’re having a baby, it’s finally sinking in.”

You hummed in agreement with Minhyuk as his hand traced over your bump, trying to encourage you to sleep for a few more minutes. “Just wait until we lay like this and you start feeling their little kicks.”

“Don’t,” Minhyuk chuckled, already feeling his stomach knot with excitement. “I can’t wait for what we’ve got to come our way Y/N.”

“Me too,” you smiled, closing your eyes as a yawn escaped from you. “Do you think we’re ready to have a baby Min?”

“It’s too late now,” he teased, “but I do. We make the best team in my opinion.”

“And in my opinion too.”

Changsub:

“There really is a bump there,” Changsub murmured as he came up behind you, snaking his arms around your waist and feeling against your tummy, catching the curve of your bump.

You tilted your head to look back at Changsub, looking at him in bemusement. “What did you think I was growing here? You sound surprised to realise that there’s a bump here.”

“It’s overwhelming being able to finally feel it for myself, not just hear about it.”

Changsub’s hands continued to move around your stomach as he searched to find out all of the little features of your bump. “How do you think you’ll be in a few months when my bump sticks out so far?”

“I think I could cry already,” Changsub honestly admitted, “I think the best way to describe how I’ll be in a while is just a complete mess.”

“You can’t cry on me, my hormones are all over the place and can’t be dealing with you,” you joked, hitting against his arm.

“We can cry together,” Changsub suggested, “this poor baby will be a wreck.”

“What are we going to do Sub?”

Hyunsik:

“Wow,” you heard Hyunsik whisper as you massaged your hands over your bump, rubbing around it in circles as you tried your best to keep it moisturised. “It’s really there now.”

A chuckle came from you as Hyunsik commented on his observation. “You know this bump has been here for a good few weeks now, it’s not just magically appeared like nothing.”

“I’d never really spotted it before, but watching you then I could really see it.”

You smiled widely across at Hyunsik, enthused by the excitement that was so clear in his voice as he watched on. “It’s already getting so big to care for, who knows what I’ll be like taking care of this in a few months.”

“You’ve got me to help you,” Hyunsik reminded you, offering you a wide grin, “you’ll be fed up with me sticking around that bump of yours.”

“No way,” you protested with a laugh, “these days I think I’ll be glad of all the support that I can get in a couple of months' time.”

“I bet you’ll get annoyed,” Hyunik vowed, “you’ll be kicking me out of the house.”

“I bet that’ll never happen.”

Peniel:

“I can see it,” Peniel suddenly announced as you lifted your shirt over the top of your head, brows furrowing as you looked to him in confusion whilst getting your pyjama shirt.

You’d not seen Peniel’s smile so wide in a long time as he refused to look away from you. “What can you see?” You asked him, not making sense of what was going on at all.

“I can see your bump, just then, I could really see the definition at the bottom.”

You glanced down to your bump, cupping underneath it exactly where Peniel had noticed it beginning to show. “This past week it's grown loads, I’ll be huge in a matter of days at the rate I’m growing.”

“I’m so excited,” Peniel whispered as you placed your new shirt on before walking across to the bed, taking a seat right beside Peniel.

“It feels a bit more real now being able to actually see it,” you whispered, deciding to rest your head against Peniel’s shoulder.

“I’ll take care of you,” he promised, “and this ever growing bump at the same time too.”

“We’re both very lucky with you.”

Sungjae:

“Look at you,” Sungjae chimed as he watched you walk down the stairs in your dress for the evening, unable to hide his smile as he noticed a hint of your bump showing through.

As you looked to Sungjae you followed his gaze to where he was looking. “It’s a little tighter than I wanted it to be, I don’t think I’ll be able to hide my bump tonight though.”

“I don’t want you to hide your bump, I want to show it off to everyone who’s there.”

A chuckle came from you as Sungjae closed the distance between the two of you, wrapping his arm around your waist. “Half of my wardrobe isn’t going to fit me soon, it’s already a bit of a struggle to find something.”

“Don’t worry,” Sungjae whispered, pressing a kiss to your cheek, “you could wear anything and you’d still look beautiful in my opinion Y/N.”

“You have to say that,” you jokingly challenged, “I’m pregnant with your baby, if you’re mean to me then I’ll make sure I get my revenge.”

“I’m being serious,” he assured you, “you look even better now your bump is showing too.”

“It’ll take a while to get used to this.”

---

Masterlist

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svquence · 2 years

Text

⋆ ★ “forever boy”

✿ pairing! non-idol!lee felix x reader ✿ genre! angst & hurt/comfort ✿ wc! 0.6k ✿ warnings! forms of sh (pulling hair, scraping lips with teeth), very brief mentions of blood

❀ A/N! this was requested by someone i know and is actually very much inspired by the song “save me” from BTS !! i’m not good at writing fluff so im sorry if the end is cringe lmfao. i’m also very tired at the time im writing this and this is kinda rushed but nonetheless i hope you enjoy!!

———————————————————————

To say you weren’t in the best mental state is nothing compared to how you were actually feeling. Nothing feels worse than being surrounded by people, yet feeling alone. Spending your day being a ray of sunshine to the people around you, until the night hits. You can’t even think of something worse than staying up late, in the night, analyzing where you went wrong. Realizing that no matter what, your fights are only yours and no one is even trying to do anything.

Thats how you found yourself on a hill close to your house, looking at the sky. In all honesty, you weren’t even staring at the stars, all you could see were those gut wrenching memories replaying again like a vinyl movie, ready to destroy your fragile state again. Not even crying is possible to you anymore, but right now, something just hit. It was one of those rare days where everything came pouring at once, which got you to this stage of crying, sitting on your knees. You wanted to scream, but you couldn’t, because you can’t afford anyone hearing you. Rays of sunshine are strong, bright and happy. Your image is more important than anything, no? But fuck that.

For some reason, you found yourself venting to nothing, constantly muttering words of the type “help” and “save me”. Tho, you weren’t even sure who you were begging to save you. The moon that was shining onto you couldn’t save you, could it? How stupid. It was all so so stupid.

And at this moment, you allowed yourself to break down entirely. Might as well crumble and stay in your own filth forever than keep an image that wasn’t even true, right?

You found yourself punching the ground, pulling at your hair, as you kept muttering random words under your breath. You started chewing on your lips as blood started showing itself through them, you were a mess, though can you really blame yourself? You weren’t in a good place at all.

You ruined yourself and you ruined it all. But you had to go back, even if you couldn’t push anymore. It was impossible to just disappear, sadly. Everyone cares only when you’re gone, and you didn’t want that type of attention.

The moment you tried to get up, your life changed entirely. A hand sticking out to you, waiting to lift you up. It was an understatement to say that you were embarrassed, but he looked at you like you were one of the stars in the sky. And in that moment, you can feel a breeze brushing onto you both, as he mumbled “I’m sorry, i wasn’t supposed to be here through all of that. But i’m willing to help, i can’t guarantee to save you, but i can help you save yourself” You stared at him, frozen, but you reached out to take his hand. He was.. very comforting. His presence made you feel safe and understood, without him doing necessarily anything. When you manage to get up, he looks at you once again as he murmurs “My name’s Felix, by the way”, as he proceeded to look away from you, still holding your hand. Wow, he was stunning in the moonlight.

That moment, somehow, you knew he was your forever boy. Because even after he saw you like that, he tried to help, more than your so called “loved ones”. You were a stranger to him, but he gave you his hand, and you can’t even thank him enough for giving you the wings needed to progress. Even during it all, he’s still with you, and has no plans of leaving you anytime soon.

Throughout the worst, you found your best. During your lowest, you found your forever boy.

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saintrocklee · 1 year

Note

For the prompts (I’m probably super late I’m sorry OTL) “it’s not my fault, it’s 4am and you’re fucking yelling at me!” For Kakuzu please! Also your writing is amazing and I hope your muse returns pronto! Good vibes from me to you ✨

💰 kakuzu x reader 💰 supernatural (ish) AU part one | part two | part three | part four warnings: brief mentions of past abusive relationship. finger sucking and minimal sexy thread times. also - this is a special guest episode, as a treat. special message to the anon who requested this literally 72 business years ago: i am so sorry. i hope this was worth it. ily.

this is part four of my kakuzu prompt series. i recommend reading parts one, two, & three (linked above) before indulging.

The next day you’re distracted. Very distracted. You were typically pretty well put together but you felt as if your head was stuck in a permanent fog. Last night played on a loop in your mind, and you know ... you know Kakuzu had almost kissed you.

I broke my rules for you.

The apple you’re looking at slips from your grip and you blink back to reality. Embarrassment curls up your spine as you glance around to see if anyone saw. When you’re sure no one noticed, you bend to pick up the fruit and add it to your basket. You were doing some light grocery shopping, but so far you’d bumped into two different people, walked down the wrong aisle multiple times, and now you were dropping things.

God, you were like a teenager all over again. Just a silly little girl with a crush. You honestly hated the word, it didn’t seem to adequately describe your situation or your feelings. An infatuation? You were definitely attracted to him. You liked talking to him. You wanted to know more about him. And most importantly of all, he made you feel safe.

Next time, girl.

The shame curling in your gut from being clumsy was slowly being replaced by a simmering, now familiar heat. What did he mean, next time? Did that mean when he saw you again, he’d ... what? Kiss you? Explain? Kill you?

You know the latter is completely untrue, but for some reason it was much easier to imagine Kakuzu taking your life. You can picture Kakuzu killing, you know he’s done it before, and his aura alone was stifling and intimidating. But … kissing? Being intimate? Your imagination stops there but it doesn’t keep you from wondering. From wanting.

You never thought you would fall for a mountain of a man after spending a good portion of your life afraid of men, but here you were. Falling for a monster. Your monster. Who, by all accounts, should scare the absolute living hell out of you.

But he didn’t.

You’re able to check out without issue and start your walk home with two small grocery bags. It’s a nice day and fall was coming, leaving a nice breeze in the air to help clear your mind. You switch your bags to one hand and hold your sweater a little closer, managing to nod and smile at a gentleman walking by. Every day your confidence grew around strangers, and every day you’re thankful for Kakuzu. For your deal. Your spine felt harder, straighter. You rarely had panic attacks anymore, and found yourself leaving your apartment without constantly looking over your shoulder. You were stronger, self-assured, and self-reliant. You felt good.

A low whistle catches your attention and just like that, your courage fizzles to nothing. It was a catcall whistle, something meant to be derogatory, and it reminded you of your ex-husband.

“Wow.”

There’s a very male voice coming from behind and you stiffen, heart jumping to your throat. You don’t want to turn around but you stop walking, listening intently as footsteps approach you.

“I think I get it now.”

You blink, now confused and nervous, and turn your head to see who’s talking to you. Maybe they weren’t even speaking to you, maybe you misheard. Your rampant paranoia was still present and maybe —

Nope. He’s looking directly at you.

You’re visibly shocked by him, mouth parting muted awe. He looked … not like any man you’ve ever seen. Vibrant lavender eyes hold your own with an intensity you’re not used to receiving from a stranger, and his mouth is twisted into a cocksure grin that showed teeth. Silver hair was slicked back with a few strays curling slightly on his forehead, and the open jacket he wore revealed way more chest than you wanted to see. Your eyes immediately flick down to watch his hands and your anxiety kicks up a notch when you see them stuffed into his jacket pockets.

Hidden hands meant trouble. Your ex was proof of that.

It’s the first time in awhile you’ve felt trapped; cornered like some animal. The stranger’s posture was relaxed but the look on his face was anything but. You tried to keep your breathing calm, but your gut instinct was telling you something was off about this guy. He didn’t seem totally crazy, he just seemed … abnormal. Intense. Unpredictable.

“You checkin’ me out, girl?”

Your back stiffens and you snap your gaze back up to his face. Girl. Kakuzu called you that and it never bothered you, but coming from this man? It felt like an insult. Like you were beneath him.

Still … the way he said it. The tone reminded you of your monster. Something about how he said it. Like you were different from him, like you were in a category of your own.

“Do you need something?” you ask, attempting to keep your tone level. Not quite friendly but not quite scared. You were extremely aware of the fragility of the male ego and didn’t want to set this guy off, but you wouldn’t cower. Your question seems to ignite something in him and you frown as he throws his head back and laughs. It’s loud, boyish; and when he snaps his head back up his eyes find yours immediately. The wicked gleam there has you fighting off the urge to bolt, but somehow you know running would make things worse.

“Nah I’m just,” he pauses, taking another step toward you; to which you respond by taking a step back, “curious.”

“About?”

Something about you must amuse this guy a great deal. He’s grinning at you now, assessing you like you were an exhibit he didn’t quite understand. You glance to your right, only to inhale nervously when you realize you’re completely alone. You could have sworn there were other people on the sidewalk with you, and the street you were on was typically a busy one. But there wasn’t a soul in sight, just you and this man.

You suddenly wish Kakuzu would appear.

“Couldn’t fuckin’ believe it when I heard. Had to make a trip back just to see …” he trails off, taking a step to the right to start circling you. It reminded you of a wild animal, circling their prey.

“I don’t understand.” You breathe, body twisting to keep him in your sight. Lavender eyes once again meet yours.

“Don’t suppose you would.” His tone is light, and you can tell he’s having fun. You’re thrown back to being in elementary school, watching other kids participate in game you didn’t know how to play.

“What do you want?” You ask, some of the carefully hidden irritation making it’s way into your tone. Amusement falls from the stranger’s face and you blink when he’s suddenly in front of you. You could have sworn he was just standing behind you, how did he -

“As much as I’d love to ruin that bastard’s day, a deal’s a deal.”

You hold your breath and fight to not visibly shake. The playful demeanor he held was now lined with something dangerous and the air around you seems thicker. He bends his head towards you and your spine stiffens when his next words are whispered directly into your ear.

“Tell the old man Hidan says hi.”

Your mouth parts, more questions forming on your tongue, but just like that he’s gone. A gust of wind hits you and you jump, the sound of cars and people bustling on the street hitting you all at once. The once still and silent street was now full of noise and life; and you blink helplessly as it all washes over you. Where had everyone gone? You were sure the street was just empty.

You tighten your grip on your groceries and decide to just book it back to your apartment. You felt breathless and a little dizzy, no doubt due to some of the leftover fear and adrenaline in your system. You start moving, keeping your head down as you make your way back to your apartment.

Just get home, you chant to yourself. You purposefully move the command around your brain, even going so far as to silently mouth the words to keep from thinking about what just happened.

Just get home.

Soon you’re back in your apartment and quickly putting your groceries away. The next thing you do is check to make sure all of your doors and windows are locked, and then you check again. You're shaken to your core and now that you’re back in your home, in a space you consider safe, your mind is reeling.

Who was that?

You immediately start listing off people you knew, to try and figure out who he was talking about. He said the old man, you didn’t know any old men -

Except your ex.

Was he - did that guy know your ex-husband? Was he sent to you, as some sort of sick joke? You didn’t know anything about your ex-husband’s whereabouts, you just knew he was alive, and that was enough for your panic riddled brain to latch onto.

The anxiety you feel is building and you move to your bedroom while trying to do the breathing exercises your therapist had taught you. Inhale for four seconds, hold for four seconds, exhale for four seconds. Before you know it, you’re in your bed, back against the headboard - trying to just breathe.

Inhale for four seconds.

Hold for four seconds.

Exhale for four seconds.

It calms you, after awhile, and you swallow against the dryness in your throat. You feel heavy, emotionally drained, and you just want to sleep. You move slowly, changing into shorts and an oversized shirt that's warm but comfortable. Your bed welcomes you back and soon you’re under your blankets, mind still doing a slow tumble through your day. You can still hear the stranger’s laugh, a loud cackle that sends a shiver down your spine. You shut your eyes tight and try to think of something else.

Someone else.

Lavender eyes and silver slicked back hair are replaced with green and black. You think about Kakuzu, about what happened last night, and soon you’re drifting off; thoughts of inky black thread and unfinished promises sending you into slumber.

You wake with a gasp and sit up, throat sore and wetness pooling in the corners of your eyes. You had been with your ex, he’d cornered you, he’d been drinking and had come home and -

It takes you a moment to realize it was a nightmare and the next breath you take is ragged. You were home. You were home and that was years ago, you were safe now, you made a deal with -

“Calm yourself girl.”

Your head snaps up and stiffens when you see Kakuzu standing in the corner of your bedroom. The streetlights from outside along with your blinds shine an interesting pattern on him, and you’re surprised to see that he’s uncovered. Black hair hangs freely around his face and his arms are crossed across his chest, his stitches straining against his muscles. Swallowing thickly, your hands fist in your sheets and you frown when they start to move underneath you.

When you glance down, you’re surprised at the black threads that are tangling around your fingers. There’s so much of them and you carefully turn your hand over, watching intently as inky strands continue to dance across your palm. More investigation reveals that his thread is covering both of your hands and moving carefully up your arms, stroking back and forth carefully like a caress. It clicks suddenly, and you bring your head back up to look at him.

“You woke me up.” You murmur, throat still dry, and Kakuzu’s eyes narrow, confirming your suspicion. You look away to glance at your clock and frown when you see it reads 3:47am.

“Thank you.” You whisper and Kakuzu shifts his shoulders, his arms unfolding and resting at his sides. His thread starts to pull back and you turn to watch as they slide away from you, off the edge of your bed, and disappear into the darkness that cloaks him.

“Anything to cease your endless whimpering.” His confession is sneered at you and you have to drop your chin to your chest to hide a fond smile. Ever so grouchy and grumpy.

You lift a hand and rub at your eyes, fighting back a tired yawn. Kakuzu steps closer and you still your movements when he speaks again.

“You met a man today.”

Your head snaps up, tiredness forgotten, and frown. Inhuman eyes hold your own, and there’s an edge to his tone, to him that you’ve never seen before.

“H-how did you - ”

“Did he touch you?”

What?

You blink once and then twice before opening and closing your mouth. You were trying to find the right words to respond, trying and failing to come up with something to say. Your brain, poor thing, was still lagging from being woken so suddenly, leaving you somewhat slack jawed and intelligible.

Kakuzu snarls in response to your silence and leans over, hands coming to rest at the foot of your bed as he looms over you.

“Answer me, girl. Did he touch you?”

Your brow furrows in response.

“How did you know I met a man today?”

Judging by the incandescent glare you receive, you answered wrong. Even so, you feel none of the fear you felt earlier, none of the anxiety or panic. Distantly you register that the protective streak you’re witnessing is causing molten heat to stir in your belly, but you’re tired and agitated from your nightmare and being abruptly woken up.

“I won’t ask again.” He snaps and you swallow, eyebrows pinching together in frustration.

“No, he didn’t. How did you know?” You snip back and Kakuzu pushes himself off the bed.

“That is none of your concern.”

You bristle in response.

“None of my - how is it none of my concern?”

Green cat-like eyes stare at you impassively and you’re hit with the childish urge to throw something at him. If you weren’t so disorientated you might have.

And then -

“Wait, is he like you?”

Tell the old man Hidan says hi.

You feel the sudden urge to move and start to slowly uncurl your legs from your blankets. Kakuzu doesn’t answer but it doesn’t deter you.

“He told me to tell the old man hi. Are you who he was talking about?”

Your feet meet the carpet and you stand, fingers drumming against your bare thighs. Details from your encounter start to resurface and everything slowly clicks into place.

“He ... he made everyone on the street disappear. Told me he was curious, wanted to see for himself. He’s like you, right?”

Kakuzu’s mouth twists into a snarl.

“Don’t ask stupid questions.”

Your hands tighten into fists.

“I wouldn’t have to if you just told me the truth.”

You watch as what you can only describe as irritation flashes across his face. He moves towards you and you dig your heels into the carpet, ready to stand your ground.

“I don’t have to answer to you, human.”

Something visceral burns through you.

“Why are you mad at me? I didn’t do anything, it was your friend who just showed up —” A low rumble similar to a growl warns you to stop but you keep going, your hands emphasizing your frustration as your voice rises, “it’s you who’s snapping at me, I don’t even know what’s going on —”

“You are the one who cannot answer a simple question. Idiot girl.” Kakuzu’s sneering at you, now close enough to bend his head to look down at you. You throw your hands in the air and let out a humorless laugh before going to shove him back.

“It’s not my fault, it’s four in the morning and you’re fucking yelling at me!”

You don’t expect him to so much as budge when your palms meet his chest, but it feels good to make contact with something. With him. You know it wouldn’t hurt, you know he’s probably laughing cruelly at you, but you couldn’t take him standing there looking down at you when he had all the answers and you had none.

What you don’t expect is for him to grab onto your wrists and pull you closer. You immediate reaction is to flinch, to protect your face by ducking down, and the breath in your lungs stills. You wait for something, for him to yell, to shove you off, but nothing happens. The weight of his hands is heavy, and your brow furrows in confusion when you feel him lift and turn your wrist. You chance a glance upwards and watch as his eyes skim up and down your hand, your arm. When his inspection is complete, he turns to the other one, once again lifting your hand away from his chest. When he speaks, his tone is deeper, and the heat that you’ve come to associate with him once again makes it way through your chest.

“There is no one like me. Hidan is merely an immortal who uses blood magic. He would just need a drop ...” His sentence trails off as he finishes inspecting your arms, only to lightly push you away to cast his gaze down at your legs. Your toes curl in your carpet under his scrutiny and when he drops your wrists you tangle your hands together.

“I’m fine.” You try but Kakuzu cuts you off immediately.

“You wouldn’t know.”

You bristle again, still buzzing with frustration, but the gravel in his tone digs up under your chest and starts to break it up.

“It presents differently, in humans. You wouldn’t even have felt it, if he pricked you.”

Oh. You exhale through your nose.

“So ... he’s like a vampire?”

Kakuzu snaps his head up to meet your eyes and lets out a snort. You blink at the foreign noise.

Did your monster just laugh?

“Idiot.” He scoffs, straightening to his full height. You narrow your eyes and fight a smile.

“What? Demons and immortals are real. You’re real. But vampires, that’s stupid?”

You’re rewarded with an arched brow and finally feel all the anxiety and frustration from earlier fizzle into nothing. The warmth in your tummy starts to kindle and you glance around your room as memories from the previous night start to hit you.

I broke my rules for you.

“He will not bother you again.”

You nod and turn back to look at him, meeting his stare head on. You had other questions about your encounter with Hidan but you knew the answers he’d give you would do nothing to satiate your curiosity. You're not sure how much times passes, all you do know is neither of you are making any sort of move to leave. It makes you bolder, knowing that something kept him here. That he wanted to be there.

Next time, girl.

So instead -

“So, is this the next time you were referring to, or ... ?”

The air around you changes and a thrill shoots through at the way Kakuzu tenses. Like a coil, almost. His eyes somehow burn brighter and he takes a step towards you again, large hands flexing at his sides. Your chest heaves with effort and the smirk that curls across his face is anything but friendly. Dangerous.

It's consuming, how much you want him.

"You know not what you ask, girl."

You tilt your chin up to hold his gaze as he looms over you. His hair falls from his shoulders, surrounding you, and you feel the telltale trickle of his thread around your ankles.

"Just a stupid human girl." You murmur, and those green eyes narrow at your tone. You feel thread in your hair and let your head be pulled back, baring your throat to your monster who seemed to be wrestling with something as he looked at you. His gaze trailed from your neck, to your eyes, to your mouth; as if he were looking for something. Waiting for something. You don't move, you don't speak and finally he stills his movements completely, eyes boring into yours as if to burn you in place.

"You understand what you're asking of me?" He hisses and you blink. He waits for your answer and you swallow before finding your voice.

"Yes."

"You understand that I am not like them." He sneers the last word in disgust, as if even needing to state the fact that he wasn't human was beneath him.

"Yes." You breathe, the warmth from your tummy spreading. You were beginning to feel light headed and your hands twitch with the need to touch him.

He pauses, taking you in, and then you feel it. Strands and strands of inky black thread coiling around your thighs, your waist, your neck. You close your eyes and part your lips with a gasp at the way his thread move across your body. They're under your shirt and skirt the edge of your shorts, feather light strokes becoming bolder and bolder with each touch.

Your eyes fly open when you feel his hand curl around your chin and stutter a breath as thread moves just under your breasts. His thumb strokes your bottom lip and wetness begins to pool between your thighs. Your heart beats a furious rhythm under your chest and Kakuzu inhales at the sound of it.

"Open." He commands, voice deep and unwavering. Your mouth parts slowly, and you shudder as the tip of your tongue meets the pad of his thumb. The thread around you tightens upon the contact, flexing against your thighs and pushing up against your breasts. He presses down, holding you in place, while simultaneously tilting your face up. He's so close now, hair tickling the sides of your face, and you swear you see a triumphant glitter in his eyes.

"So pliant." Kakuzu taunts, nose nearly brushing yours. Your eyes narrow and before you can think better of it you close your mouth around him and suck.

Your reward is a snarl and the wall meeting your back.

He's quick about manhandling you, large firm thigh slotted between your legs, thread tightening enough to keep you still without hurting. He presses his thumb further into your mouth, eyes now transfixed on how it disappears, and you glide your tongue along the ridges of his knuckles before sucking him in deeper. He hasn't actually touched you anywhere else, hasn't even kissed you like you wanted him to, but that doesn't stop your body from reacting to everything. To him.

The whimper you let out is pathetic and needy.

He opens his mouth, no doubt ready to degrade you or boss you around even more, but something on his face changes. You pinch your brow in confusion as his head turns sharply, eyes unfocusing as if he's thinking. When he cocks his head ever so slightly you realize he's listening and you strain to hear what he heard.

Only there's nothing.

Kakuzu pulls away from you sharply, taking his thread with him, and you hear him growl in a language you'd never heard before. You take a step forward to regain your balance, only to be once again manhandled to look up at him. You can still feel your saliva on his thumb as he grips your chin, and you're taken aback by the intensity you receive.

"We are not done here."

He spits the words at you, eyes narrowing until you nod in agreement. His gaze flicks down to your overly wet mouth and you're once again introduced to a language you don't understand. He sounded angry, strained, and he meets your eyes once more before taking a step back and disappearing completely, once again leaving you alone.

#show of hands - who thought i would never publish this #anon if you see this please know that i am so incredibly in love with you ASDFGHJKL #kakuzu x reader #kakuzu x you #kakuzu fanfic #daddy K is BACK #ONE MORE PART TO GO before i'm done with this series #and then i'm never touching this man again he is MEAN to me #he doesn't let me WRITE him #he's RUDE i love him but imma leave him for the experts #xoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxooooooxoxoxo if you still follow me you are braver than any US marine

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little-escapist · 7 months

Note

Angsty Romance Prompts

(I love angst!)

24.) i tried! i tried to tell you! you didn't listen to me and, wow -- look you are not listening to me right now as well.

Can't wait to see what you write! 💖💖

Sorry it took me forever!

This is angst, people. Hurt with no comfort. Set during the summer between season 5 & 6 of Glee, not long before Kurt and Blaine break up. So, be prepared.

Their fights have gotten worse. They escalate so fast Blaine feels like he’s getting whiplash. One off-handed comment leads to a shouting match in no time.

Having no roommates is not the heaven they once thought it would be. There’s too much silence these days, when they’re not fighting or having sex, that is. Blaine feels lonely even though Kurt is right there, sleeping next to him all night. They rarely have breakfast together. Kurt is away for most of the day while Blaine throws all of himself into wedding planning. It’s all he has. It’s probably just growing pains, trying to fit into one life together, and they are both anxious about the wedding.

Today they have a date night. Blaine is running late because the subway was late. He can see that Kurt is annoyed, their meal is full of tense silences and long pauses that never used to be their problem. And once they get home, Kurt comments on Blaine’s tardiness, and they’re off. Again.

“I can’t help it if public transportation fails here,” Blaine says, trying to stay calm. “I said I’m sorry. If it bothered you so much, why didn’t you say something earlier?”

Kurt rolls his eyes as he shrugs his jacket off.

“Talk to me,” Blaine says, practically begs. There’s a bad feeling on the edges of his mind, making his stomach tighten unpleasantly. It’s strange that this brings back his feelings of isolation at the beginning of senior year, Kurt newly away in New York. Back then, when they talked, Kurt talked almost too much, full of tales about his grand city life, pushing aside what Blaine was saying. This is the opposite of that, Kurt is shutting him out and turning cold, but the feeling is the same. Blaine feels lonely.

“You coming to bed?” Kurt asks, walking towards the bathroom.

Blaine sighs. “Of course, I am. Just… can we talk this out first?”

Kurt turns around to face him. His lovely eyes are shuttered, his mouth a straight, tense line. “You were late, again. I don’t know what there is to talk about. Just stop being late every time we’re supposed to meet up, ok? I don’t know where you are, who you’re with, you probably understand why that makes me a little angry.”

Blaine blinks. “Are you insinuating what I think you are right now? Kurt, I told you, will never cheat on you again.” There’s a fist clenching around his heart. He feels sick with it.

“Well, I thought you wouldn’t back then, but then you did. What do I know.”

The guilt is overwhelming. Blaine looks away, takes a deep breath. His worst mistake will haunt him until the end, it seems. He thought Kurt had forgiven him, but apparently there is hurt lingering, still. Not that Blaine blames Kurt for it. It just feels so heavy to know that no matter how he tries to make amends, no matter how much he regrets and apologizes, Kurt won’t forget. Kurt will forever have this to hold over him. “That was a completely different situation, and you know it.” He sounds defeated to his own ears.

“Do I? Oh, I guess I do, because now you’re getting some on a regular basis and back then you weren’t.”

“Oh my god!” Blaine explodes. “Really? None of what I’ve told you means anything to you, does it?”

“As if you’ve told me anything.”

Blaine has. He has told Kurt about how lonely he was, how he was sure Kurt was done with him from the dismissive air whenever Blaine tried to share something of school or glee or anything, really. He thought they were done, and then he went and ruined them. “I tried! I tried to tell you! You didn’t listen and, wow – look how you’re not listening to me right now either.”

Kurt has turned his back, walking towards the bathroom as if their conversation is done. “You cheated. There are no excuses for that.”

The bathroom door shuts behind his back, leaving Blaine alone, swallowing back tears and bile.

#klaine #glee #klaine fanfiction #my writing #prompt fic #my fic

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yakultstanreblog · 2 months

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insomnia is something i used to struggle with a lot, especially in my later teens, when i had very poor mental health.

here are some things i've learned/tried:

using melatonin in the short term: a natural human hormone which can be taken as a supplement, often to alleviate jet lag. i prefer 300 mcg doses, since i will be drowsy for hours after waking up with the ones that are ~17+ larger; should only be taken to correct circadian rhythm, not as a sleeping pill

cold exposure: according to anecdotal research, the ideal ambient air temperature for sleep is ~18.33 C (65 F); however, a lot of factors can influence your core temperature, namely use of sheets/blankets, and thickness of clothing. if possible, adjust the air temperature and minimize use of covers.

physical activity: sleep is fundamental for recovery, yet if there is a lack of accumulated fatigue, it can almost feel like you're just decaying away in your sleep. there are numerous benefits to exercise, and many forms of it, as well. i would recommend nature walks, personally, in addition to climbing and swimming.

isolating factors to recreate a cave: i learned this from a book; in the strategies they mention to 'energize,' gradually reducing the amount of light in the room, wearing earplugs for sound isolation, and making a resolution to avoid electronic devices late at night are all things you can work towards.

mouth tape: nasal breathing is one of the most vital parts of healthy human function i've found in the past year. pranayama (yogic breathing) has a lengthy existence, and is definitely worth looking into. however, when you sleep, the autonomic nervous system takes over; i've experimented with a lot of different things, but i've found micropore surgical tape is cheap and effective for mouth taping (along with nose strips you can purchase from amazon, or perhaps your local pharmacy).

habits/routines: one of my favorite books is Atomic Habits by James Clear, which has become very popular since my first read. it mentions the key to creating a positive identity is repeating all the actions you do intentionally, which lead into the ones you eventually perform subconsciously. sometimes, we get caught in a spiral of all the things we have to do that we don't make time for our health. even just one good thing compounded every day for a year will dramatically improve your quality of life.

naps: best performed within a midday timeframe - i've loved long naps in the past, but i have also been stuck staring at my ceiling for hours because i couldn't sleep from very long naps earlier in the day. despite that, there's a lot of napping schedules which are worth a try, like 'everyman' and 'siesta.'

there's likely a lot of things i missed, which i will omit because it would take me a ridiculous amount of time to remember; we need sleep, but interestingly, most people don't desire it - one of the feelings i would love to share with everyone is the bliss of waking up from an uninterrupted night of sleep.

tl;dr: many small healthy habits will build up to improve your sleep quality. environmental design is paramount, as you need an environment conducive to sleep. sleep is predicated on the need to recover from fatigue, so exercise is almost a necessity for quality rest. try sleep aids like earplugs, blindfolds, and nose strips if you can't isolate every environmental factor!

wow I appreciate this so much but unfortunately my insomnia is chronic since birth and anything u can think of has been attempted hahahaa melatonin has no affect on me - I have prescribed literal sedatives instead which would knock most ppl the fk out but only sometimes help for me if I time everything perfectly 😂😂😭 last night I was able to sleep though I just was in a lot of physical pain making it a lot harder but I got to sleep eventually thank god! I WISH I had the ability to take naps dude!!! but sadly I very rarely can 😫 I appreciate this message regardless I’m sure it will be helpful to someone!!!!💗

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panthera2912 · 2 years

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P5R broke me

Hello tumblr ! I finished playing Persona 5 Royal and I have a lot of feelings about it and need to put it out there. And tumblr seemed like the best place for it even though I haven't posted in years x)

Beware, this post will contain spoilers (well, the game is old but there still might be people like me who are late to the party).

So, first of all, I wanted to play a Persona game for a long time since I heard a lot of good things about it, but I never got to it 'cause I didn't have the motivation to spend 100+ hours into a game (says the girl who played WoW for 10 years). But since it recently came out on Switch and I didn't have any ongoing game I decided to finally give it a try. And I'm SO glad I played the royal version because Akechi was by far my favorite character and a big part of why I loved this game, and apparently he didn't have as much development in the original ? And Sumire was my second favorite so... yeah, royal for the win !

Anyway, to talk about the plot, basically this game broke me several times.

The confrontation with Akechi in Shido's palace was absolutely heartbreaking (props to the voice actors, JA and EN). A lot of what he said hit way too close to home, and the whole time I was yelling at my screen for Joker to say something ("say something i'm giving up on you" cover by Robbie Daymond playing in the background).

Anyway, I spent the rest of the game grieving (and raging against Shido because will you fucking die goddamnit, I've been fighting you for 45 minutes !!!!), but then Akechi reappears like nothing happened ??? And he's way too evasive about how he survived ????? And then Maruki's like, sike, got you, he dead ! ... Thank you game, I don't need to grieve a second time.

And of course, Akechi knew the whole fucking time, and didn't say anything, and he basically tells Joker he wants to die and tells him he doesn't need pity. Like, excuse me Sir ?! But first of all don't talk about yourself like that, and secondly, what about Joker in all of this ? This is not about pity, Joker wished for Akechi to be here. Like, seriously, Joker deserves to be happy after everything he's been through. And I get what Akechi is saying, he doesn't want to be toyed with by Maruki, like he's been controlled all his life, but he's aware of it, and I'm sure he could find happiness somewhere in this...

So... after staring at my screen 5 whole minutes, I took Maruki's offer. I'm weak, I know, I really just wanted to see them happy for once, they deserve the world. That end card is my wallpaper now.

But anyway, after taking a break, back to the true ending because I'm still curious despite it all. So we defeat Maruki, and Joker's reward is some time in jail and Akechi disappearing. Great. At least they get him out of jail but like, nobody talks to him about Akechi ? They know that Akechi was Joker's wish but they don't address it with him. Seriously, someone at least give this guy a hug, wtf ? Through the WHOLE game, he helped every single one of them. But no, he's the leader, he needs to stay strong, right...

And then when Joker goes to the jazz club.. and he still has Akechi's glove in his pocket... Excuse me, just crying over there.

To top it all, I was dating Sumire in this playthrough (rank 9 event done), but since I didn't get her to 10, the game acted like nothing happened. I spent valentine's day alone and it felt like Joker and her had broken up so it just added that much more drama lol.

But really, I love tragedies, and this game delivered. This was a well-crafted rollercoaster of emotion from start to finish and every hour was worth it. And it's very rare for me to do multiple playthough of a game, but I definitely will for this one. This is going in my top 5 games of all times for sure.

Anyway, I'm dead inside now and I'll probably be reblogging memes to cope x)

(Also, on a lighter note, the music in this game is a bop. Lyn is absolutely incredible.)

#persona 5 #p5r #p5r spoilers #reaction #goro akechi #akira kurusu #ren amamiya

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withthewindinherfootsteps · 2 years

Note

Hey!

Since some have already been snapped up - 1, 2 & 4 for the ask game 💕

Thanks so much for the ask (and sorry I took so long to answer)!

1. Who are your three favourite characters, and why?

Not very unexpected picks for me, but here goes:

3 - Lan Wangji. I feel I don’t talk about him a lot, but he certainly deserves more mentions from me! I really love his arc of being extremely hesitant to accept his love for Wei Wuxian at first, but eventually growing to decide to stand by Wei Wuxian no matter what — and by doing so actually acting on his love, unlike certain other characters (cough cough JC)… which is the point at which I yet again refer people to Rynne’s wonderful ‘love is an action word’ meta’, because it gives so much thematic insight, and whenever I’m analysing MDZS characters my thoughts always wander back to that. And although he’s too late to help Wei Wuxian in his first life, that growth doesn’t go away — through that experience, he learns (and more importantly, commits himself to the fact) that rules and to some extent conventions do not dictate morality, and he learns that he will choose love and justice over them, confidently. Seriously, we don’t even see that arc from Lan Wangji’s perspective and so much of it is offscreen, and it’s still that good!

And then whenever I’m thinking about the emotional side of things… wow. I’m genuinely inspired by how deep he loves (and not just WWX though that’s the main example, but generally, you see that with LSZ as well), and how selfless that love is and how he defines himself by it and is proud to. I love how when Wei Wuxian comes back, he’s elated to just have him around (and alive) — he doesn’t need anything else, he isn’t sad that they’re not together or thinking what could be, because that’s not the important thing, and he’ll take this miracle as it is gladly. You just… rarely see something that deep, and it’s so inspiring.

(Also props to him to being the only MXTX love interest with their own personal morals!)

2 - Nie Huaisang. I have spoken a bit about him already, and there isn’t as much to say as with Lan Wangji, so this will be quite a lot shorter, but he’s just so interesting to me. I love how we meet him first in the Cloud Recesses arc where he is showing his genuine personality, but then when we see him again it’s being used as a mask, except we don’t know that, and at the end we don’t know how much of that is an act and how much of it is in some way genuine, because he’s so good at hiding himself that the narrative itself can’t definitively condemn him! I must admit, I do also really like the archetype of the person who’s really smart but deliberately hides it behind some vulnerable, helpless act when they’re not vulnerable or helpless at all, so that may play into it. But I also love how his morality and role is so ambiguous in the context of the narrative — he’s not clearly the villain but definitely not the hero either, and there’s just so much we do not know (ironically, considering his nickname), and it’s all just so so intriguing. And again, introducing him the way he was introduced and then having him as the puppet master behind the entire plot? Genius.

1 - Wei Wuxian! Very short because I have spoken about him (a lot) before, but oh wow he’s such a great protagonist, and I feel like that’s a lot harder to pull of than just making him a good character. He’s immediately so engaging and dynamic and so enjoying to read from the perspective of because he just enjoys living, too! I love how there were so many opportunities to make him into an Angsty Protagonist^TM (otherwise known as him in fanon), but he isn’t at all — he’s confident, he’s (extremely) capable, his actions come from a place of genuine righteousness rather than some sort of hero complex, and again, he’s just so enjoying to be in the presence of. And that’s not even going into his actual personality! But I could talk about that all day and I’ll spare you for now, because I still have two other questions to attend to…

I will also say that I love how crazily smart he is — and it’s not even just abstract and conceptual (though there is that too), there is so much problem solving and quick thinking/improvisation there too, and you as a reader do get to witness that in person on multiple occasions. And it’s amazing to read his thought process when that happens, and any scene with that definitely stands out to me.

(Honourable mention to all the Juniors!)

2. Who’s your least favourite character? Why?

I... probably can’t give a satisfying answer for that, actually, because when considering characters my like of them is based both on how they are as a person, and how interesting they are/how well they’re written. And MDZS is a very well-written book, so pretty much all the major characters are really interesting. As much as I don’t like Jiang Cheng or Jin Guangyao and so on as people, they’re written really well, and the meta side of my brain can’t get me to hate them (though JGY comes close). So I guess I’d say Jin Guangshan and/or Sect Leader Yao, because they’re terrible people and also don’t get that much screentime, so there’s just less to think about with them.

As a person, though, I’d say Xue Yang, because... well, have you seen Xue Yang? Ripping out people’s tongues so they can’t cry for help and then corpse poisoning them (something horrible to experience by itself) so they can do nothing but wait for somebody who would never kill innocents, to kill them unknowingly? And everything else he’s done? Yeah...

But then he’s so interesting as a character so I can’t hate him properly.

(And for the record, my real least favourite character is fanon!Wei Wuxian, but I’m not sure that counts...)

4. What’s your favourite scene?

This was actually a little hard to answer, because MDZS works so well for me because of how all the scenes are great and how they flow together seamlessly. Which means that unlike in Scum Villain, I can’t pinpoint my favourite on the spot. But with consideration, I’d say these are some of my favourites:

I’m really not sure if this counts as a single scene, but the whole storyline with the Xuanwu of Slaughter. It does so many things I love – it showcases Wei Wuxian’s problem solving abilities very well, which I always like to read about (both in saving Mianmian from Wen Chao and in the plan to defeat the Xuanwu itself), it develops teenage Wangxian’s relationship pretty meaningfully and gives you a lot of bonding moments, Lan Wangii gets a vunerable moment which is something we hardly ever see from him, the abilities of both characters get to shine, Jin Zixuan even gets a moment early on which shows us another side to him (and he’s a character I quite like, actually), and on top of that it’s the first iteration of Wangxian The Melody. And what can I say, I really like the atmosphere of last-resort, base-under-siege-sort-of-but-the-vibes-are-there stories.

On the road to Yiling, when Wei Wuxian reminisces about the memory he has of him and his parents on a donkey. It’s just a really sweet scene, but you really feel its importance to him as well, and I’m not sure why but I just love the sweet and profound atmosphere it creates and you get while reading it.

“If he catches me, I’ll-” aka the fall from the tree. Again, it’s a very sweet, profound moment, and just like the previous one*, I think that’s because of the pure trust present in this scene. I love how slow the scene is and how we have time to dwell on his thoughts, and I love the the thought he has that he wouldn’t need someone to catch him but wouldn’t it be so great if there was? And how he lets go before entirely thinking it through (which isn’t something he often does), partly because he needs to know and partly because he just subconsciously trusts Lan WangJi now? Yeah... I’d say this is my favourite Wangxian moment, actually!

When Lan Wangji is leaving the Burial Mounds in Wei Wuxian’s first life, and they discuss the “single-plank bridge”. The whole scene is tinged with melancholy, but is yet again extremely profound, and the dialogue is beautiful – the repeat of the single-plank bridge versus broad road motif we first saw in the very first series of flashbacks and has been seeded throhhout, and now here it is in the very last set of flashbacks and the very last one before everything goes wrong; Wei Wuxian’s statement about letting the self judge the right and wrongs (+ the rest of it) which . And there is something about the tragedy – not obvious overstated, but seeping and ever-present, maybe melancholy would be a better term – that they are on good terms now, that they’re not hostile, that they do want the best for each other, but because of circumstance they won't be able to see each other on positive terms again before Wei Wuxian’s death, and we can feel that somehow here. ...Thank goodness he gets resurrected :)

The entire events of the Guanyin Temple, but again, I’m not sure that counts...

The Golden Core Reveal. ...Do I even need to elaborate? It’s SUCH a good reveal because you don’t see it coming at all (if you’re not analysing every single line intensely on your first read through, but even ten) but it makes perfect sense with everything? After that I went back and reread the scene where Wei Wuxian is ambushed by Wen Chao and co (right before he’s thrown into the Burial Mounds) to check if he didn’t use any cultivation there, because I could remember Wen Chao saying that he seemed weaker there and how he was jumping around a lot with the Xuanwu ... and that was why! And he didn’t use any cultivation in that scene, and just... the reveal is amazing. And it still works the second time, because of all the character reactions surrounding it, the reveal itself isn’t even the only aspect of the scene!

Honourable mention to the very beginning where Wei Wuxian is working out everything happening with the arm possessing the corpses of the Mo family, and his introduction in general – it establishes his character perfectly, and is just a really strong introduction to a (character-driven especially) book series and its protagonist, which can be hard to pull off. Also to all the Drunkji scenes because they’re awesome.

...there are probably more, but these are the ones that came to me first, which should mean they’re the ones I think about most, right?

*Interestingly, both scenes are replaying a memory of Wei Wuxian’s young childhood – his parents with him on a donkey and then him first coming to Lotus Pier and Jiang Yanli catching him. I feel like there’s something ti be said about that, but it’s late and my brain’s not working...

#ask game :)#mdzs #thank you so much!

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hillbillyhippiemusicreview · 4 months

Text

AARON BOYD: FROM COMING UNDONE TO EVERYTHING COMING TOGETHER

Interviewed/Transcribed by: Lyssa Culbertson

Musicians are a dime a dozen, especially in eastern Kentucky these days—and that’s not a bad thing. At all. The more music, the merrier, right? However, in a day and age when a lot of upcoming talent forgoes individuality in favor of what sounds like latest big thing in hopes to be the next big thing, it’s becoming more and more rare to find an artist who holds steadfast to his/her musical values amongst their artistic integrity rather than riding the waves of the trends. As we all know, Appalachia, and especially Kentucky, has bore some of music’s greats over the years with a definite uprise and takeover of charts in recent times. If you look past the bright lights and big names, though, and travel down into little hollers all around to hear the music echoing through the mountains, you’ll find diamonds in the rough tinkering away with their tunes (and a million other projects) like singer-songwriter Aaron Boyd. He’s not flashy or showy, and if you don’t pay attention out and about somewhere roundabout Irvine, KY, you might just miss the mellow, soft spoken musician and his wealth of talent and knowledge. I can promise you though, when he steps up to strum his guitar and sing, you’ll shut up and listen. For good reason! His 2023 sophomore release, Coming Undone, is a fine collection of original songs—and one phenomenal Keith Whitley cover—that truly showcases the man behind the music and his undeniable gift and musicianship. Last year may have had him “Coming Undone” with the release of his record, but we forsee 2024 being the year he finds everything coming together.

Photo by Lauren Rothenhouser, @illumistudio

Below is a transcribed interview HHMR recently did with Aaron Boyd to discuss his latest release and upcoming plans in 2024:

L: Hey Aaron—how are you doing up there in the frozen Bluegrass? How are ya feeling about the new year?

A: Doing well, I tend to love this time of year just for the simple fact I feel like I’m home more and can kind of reset and get my goals in line for when warm weather gets here!

L: So before we get into all the rad things happening in the upcoming months, let’s discuss a little about *who* Aaron Boyd is for our followers who may not know you. You’re one of the hardest working musicians we know, a jack of all trades sort of feller…how long have you been making music?

A: As far as “who” Aaron Boyd is, I think I’m on the never ending search for that one. I am a singer-songwriter out of eastern Kentucky, I tend to write my own life struggles in hopes of reaching the people who face the same struggles I do…which I think is quite a lot of us.

I’ve been involved in music for about 20 years; I started out as a drummer when I was young and over time just kept picking up new instruments and trying my best to learn something on them.

L: Wow! That’s quite a long time and surely you’ve seen all sides of the industry over the years. Before we dive into all the music biz stuff, though, tell us, who is the man behind the music? Who are you when you’re not on a stage?

A: Let’s see, first and foremost I’m a father to two youngins [aged] 7 and 10, most of my time off stage is spent sitting in school pickup lines or sitting at sporting events or just hanging out doing dad stuff *laughs*. I love it though and I’m doing my best to hold tight to the time I got with them! (He didn’t mention it here, but Aaron is also a very talented and adept agate jewelry maker—check out his Facebook for latest creations!)

L: Aw! From experience I know parenting is a lot like the music business, a lot of late nights and crazy days—but so worth it every second! When it comes to your life within music, have you always been a solo artist? Tell us a little about your history playing music.

A: Well I originally got my start as a drummer as I mentioned above; I grew up around music so I always had an interest and from an early age I had kinda a knack I guess you’d say for picking up instruments and being able to learn a little something. I started my solo career after my daughter was born 7 years ago. I had a lot that I needed to get out of my head if I was gonna be a good father. I knew the only way I could cope with all these things that I never really had to worry about prior was to put it down on paper..later I figured if it helped me, maybe someone else out there needed to hear it also, so I began recording music and performing live. (Previously, Aaron toured as a drummer with musicians like Justin Wells before going solo).

L: Sounds like music is centric to everything about you. How special! I’m curious…if you weren’t a musician as a career, what do you think you’d be doing?

A: Honestly, I don’t think I would have much of a life, if one at all…music has been a great healer for me. As a kid I suffered a lot of trauma and I didn’t know it at the time but I was severely manic and depressed. In my early teens, I started using drugs and before I knew it I was in way to deep. I spent all of my teenage years and young adulthood in and out of rehabs, jail and just lost…I honestly don’t know if I’d be the man I am today without music. I spent a lot of time away from it in my active addiction years, but when I got treatment for the last time I decided music could fill the intense boredom that comes with being sober and now here we are! I have about 14 years clean from opiates and prescription meds and coming up on 3 years sober from alcohol…I owe a good deal of that to music!

Photo by Lauren Rothenhouser, @illumistudio

L: What a beautiful story and testament to not only your tenacity and resolve but also the power of music! On that same note, I’ve noticed a trend as of late that Fans tend to want their favorite artists to stay on the bottle/hooked on other substances for quality of music rather than celebrating their journeys, but you’re very open about your sobriety, how do you feel it affects you as an artist?

A: Ya know, I feel like if someone doesn’t support someone in bettering themselves then that’s the type of people you wouldn’t want at your table. This industry is filled with folks struggling with mental health issues—artists and fans alike—it’s impossible to be the best version of yourself if you’re hiding behind a substance. So, I think the reality is your quality of music and creativity can’t be as good as if you had a clear head.

L: That totally checks out, and I can definitely see the merit behind the notion! Journeys like yours are inspirational and pack so much magic behind the music. Change is hard for anyone, whether it’s the artist going through it or fans on the other side watching the music they love undergo change—but I agree, supporting others in bettering themselves and being healthy is what community, and especially the music community, is all about or at least should be. We both know what it looks like on stage and behind it with the temptations that abound, so in this stage of your sobriety is it difficult to be around it while on the road? Do you have any tips for musicians (or anyone) in the early stages of being sober?

A: If anything seeing how drunk people act is a motivation for me *laughs* because I’ve acted a fool so many times that I never want to be that person again!

I think a good tip is to surround yourself with folks that support you and want you healthy. Find lots of hobbies to keep your mind busy and chug sparkling waters when you have that urge! That’s what I do anyway.

L: Those are great tips for sure and I admire your willpower to stay sober in an environment that doesn’t necessarily promote nor support it—and I think it’s amazing what the redirection of that energy can do to the music. Now, touching in that…we don’t believe in the gatekeeping binds of genres here, but do like to describe the music we listen to—how would you describe your style?

A: Being from the country in eastern Kentucky I’d say my music comes out as country, but I’m a fan of about every genre out there!

L: Hmm…that’s a good, concise way to sum up the “Aaron Boyd Experience” *laughs*! If we were labeling it we’d throw in “must hear music” as a genre! Your record Until the End in 2019 was quite the lyrically and sonically sound masterpiece and your recent release, Coming Undone, has shaped up to be just as impressive, with accolades from the US and abroad steadily rolling in. I know we enjoyed diving into it! What was your inspiration for this record?

A: The record kinda reflects my life story in some ways…I’ve spent a lifetime so far just in endless cycles of fixing things only to catch myself slipping and falling once again. The opening line of the title track (“Coming Undone”) [is] “seems like some days the sun just don’t wanna shine, birds don’t sing to me anymore from the telephone line,” [and] I think there’s so much power in that line because we’ve all felt depression and know that feeling of the sky being blue but you just can’t find the beauty….I wanna write songs that help me find that beauty. Sometimes that takes finding what makes us so sad and really taking a long look at it so we don’t forget, and then letting go of it.

Photo by Lauren Rothenhouser, @illumistudio

L: Ah—I love that! You can truly feel that message woven throughout your writing, and what a poignant message it is. Personally, in the realm of recorded music, we love to listen to records as a whole unit, meaning every song is strong and somehow intertwined with the next rather it’s blatantly overt or silently subtle, rather than just a couple single-worthy tracks with the rest as B-side fillers. Not that we don’t love singles and EP releases, but there’s something beautifully cathartic about putting a record on the Victrola and disappearing for a while into a lyrical land far away. When you sit down to write, do you believe in writing full records that all piece together as a collection with an underlying theme/story or prefer to put out singles that stand their own?

A: I definitely want to write all my records as a whole and I try to do that. Not so much with my first album but with my sophomore album I absolutely did, and with my next album I am doing the same! With vinyl being so prevalent now a days I think it’s something all artists should do.

L: Yes! The comeback of full length LPs on vinyl versus digital EPs and single releases is opening up new avenues for today’s storytellers everywhere you look, and we’re here for it! Happy to hear your future records will follow a similar process. On that note, tell us a bit about your recording process. Where at and with who?

A: So I recorded Coming Undone in Lexington KY with a great friend of mine, J. Tom Hnatow, at Small Blue. I first met Tom years ago when I was playing drums with Kentucky powerhouse Justin Wells. Since then we’ve became great friends and band mates. It has been an absolute pleasure working with him in the studio! We kind of took a different approach versus my first album which was [tracked] live with a band, this one I kind of took the songs and we built them up until we felt they had what they needed. No less no more kind of thing.

L: That’s rad! I’ve heard a lot of great things about J Tom over the years and it definitely shows in the product, and I think the differences in vibes of a live tracking versus a more patient, inquisitive approach as you mentioned is also reflected in the records. Both have their merits and intricacies for sure! Along that same note, I’m always interested in a songwriter’s writing process because they vary so much. Are you a write every morning kind of feller or just when inspiration strikes? Does the melody or the lyrics hit you first?

A: I am definitely not a write every morning kinda guy but I do constantly write melodies on guitar (daily) and I store those in my head or in recordings for when the time comes that a song idea strikes me. So always melodies first!

L: I feel like having a melody always running through your mind is easier to deal with than words—I’m a bibliophile and words stress me out too much to force them, but what do I know? I’m just a journalist who dabbles in songwriting here and there when the mood strikes—definitely not an expert *laughs*! I admire the perseverance of the folks who make it a habit to write, compose, or practice everyday for sure! So, switching gears from the behind the scenes, tell me…what was the highlight of your career in 2023? What are you looking forward to in 2024?

A: The highlight of 2023 was definitely achieving some huge goals I had with traveling, just getting the album out is always a big goal as well, so I’m just super proud of all that work! I try and keep my goals small. Lots of short term goals with music and few long term has been a great approach for me to stay motivated and moving forward.

L: Definitely a good, inspiring way to look at it! On the same wavelength as personal accomplishments, we hear you recently signed with management and a distribution deal for your music. Can you tell us bit about both those things?

A: Yeah, so I recently signed with Crybaby Management (Alexis Faye). I’ve know Alexis for years and she’s always been a great supporter of my art and many others!

I’ve also recently signed a distribution deal with coast to coast records in Europe and a booking deal with LDM Bookings in Europe as well!

L: It’s so important in this music world to have true support and folks looking out for ya, so I’m glad to hear you have that! And Europe?!! How cool! I know a lot of artists love to go overseas and play because the vibe is so different and attendees seem to be even more respectful of the music than in the States from what I hear. What was the experience of your first European tour like? Would you go across the pond again?

A: Oh my, it was surreal! I love to travel but never had I left the country so it was a bucket list thing for sure! I do have plans in 2024 to be back on tour this fall in Europe. We have LDM Bookings hard at work finalizing all that so I’m super excited to go back and this time I get to take my best friend and talented singer songwriter W.D. Miller.

L: That is amazing and sounds like such a memorable experience—and W.D. is a definite beast in his own right. Aside from gallivanting across Europe with one of your band mates and best pals, any upcoming tour plans? Anything big happening this year—we can keep a secret!

A: Yeah so I’m leaving out for a Florida tour in a week or so, after that I have plans in the Northeast, Midwest and Europe! I plan on staying busy and keeping the ball rolling!

L: Ahhh readers, you heard it here—Aaron Boyd plans to keep the roads hot in ‘24! Y’all watch out, I hear he got his driver’s license at the Holler Gentral! *laughs* Seriously though, I always wonder this about artists in their prime—do you have a long term, like say a 5 year plan, for your music career? If so, what does it look like? If not, how come—perhaps you prefer to live in the moment, taking it as it comes?

A: I definitely live in the moment, but if I had a long term plan it is to record as much as I possibly can before I leave this world. Maybe one day my kids and grandkids can listen to it in their flying car or something *laughs*!

L: I’m positive future generations will be listening to it for eons to come, getting pulled over in the skies for breaking the stratosphere blasting the sweet, sweet sounds of ancient Aaron Boyd to the moon…or something like that. I look forward to the legacy of your records living forever! Unfortunately, this interview cannot go on forever despite how much we’ve enjoyed it, so it’s time to wrap it up with our final few questions. Firstly—you’re a smart man—give us one piece of advice to take into 2024. It can be about anything. Serious or silly, hit us with it!

A: From the day you’re born till you ride in a hearse things are never so bad that they can’t get worse.

L: Oh, my favorite type of advice…rhyming! So poignant, deep and lyrical, if that’s not already in a song it ought to be! *Wink, wink* Now—leave us on an inspirational note with your biggest piece of advice for aspiring musicians.

A: If you’ve got something that you feel like you need to say, say it! I promise someone out there needs to hear it!

L: Love that—and I think more people, whether they are musicians, artists, or simply human, need to internalize that concept. Never be afraid to be you and to speak out and speak up! Speaking of being you, last but not least, we ask every artist we interview this question because it’s so telling about who they are to the depths of their core…what is your spirit animal and why?

A: My spirit animal is definitely a bat..I’ve always been kinda obsessed with bats, they fly around with no sight just trusting their senses and I feel that…or maybe I’m a vampire, guess we will never know! *laughs in Dracula*

L: So it’s safe to say your life’s motto is “Don’t worry, be batty?” Okay, okay, I can sense the bat-itude over my lame puns from across the room, we’ll end this before a bat-astrophe happens and we meet Vampire Aa-Ron! *evil laughs* Thank you for taking the time to talk with Hillbilly Hippie Music Review so our readers could get to know the man behind the music and we’ll be cheering you on from the wings (last pun I promise) in 2024!

Watch a live acoustic video of the title track of 2023’s Coming Undone, filmed by the incomparable Fat Cave Studios, below:

youtube

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cassothepoet · 8 months

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Carousel dreams

My alarm clock is ringing, it’s 8:30 in the morning. I wake up with cold sweat, as if the rain has been pouring. I’m a young man with dreams, yet no idea where I’m going. I wear my heart on my sleeves, but my sleeves keeps it from showing.

Oh Lord my God you have given me these gifts, yet I speak to myself with standards higher than the clouds. I sometimes find myself deeper than the sea, sometimes on top of the mount. But what about the times when my height is the same as the rest of the crowd? When I’m still trying to figure it out? For me, it’s a scary place to be around. because it feels like I’m gambling about whether the answer will ever be found. I rebel against the society of cookie cutters, yet cookie cutters makes results. The system they pushed me through has taught me that, failure is never the teacher’s fault.

My, oh my, here I go again. Taking the stance of the “free spirit artistic” rebellion. I might say something about how I hate coloring inside the lines, or how, the rules of creation were meant to be broken, to just do what you want and you’ll probably be fine. Am I telling the truth? Or have I just lied? Honestly I don’t even know, cause in my mind the results I have isn’t much to show. I’m just figuring it out as I go, and hey if somebody figures it out, could that somebody please let me know?

To tell you the truth, lately I’ve been pretty tired. It feels like a never ending carousel, or a Ferris wheel, or waiting for your turn to get the “talking stick” to finally tell how you feel. Yeah, I know. This super laughy and giddy guy, who rarely ever sleeps at night, gets tired. The hooks that holds the corners of my mouth even wears me out, and man I’ve been speaking like as if I know exactly what I’m talking about.

“Geez man you matured with pain and not age, we get it you’re so different than the kids who colored within the page.” Those mocking words that were once full of hurt, now turn into statements with the tone of praise. “Oh wow I’ve never seen anyone do it like you do, your paintings have vibrant colors and your music has such deep lyrics, you should start posting these on YouTube.”

You got no idea.

The reason why I can’t sleep at night is because it’s the most quietest time, but also when I have the loudest mind. I’m scared that by the time I’m 25, I’ve wasted my youth being creative and struggling to survive. Even when I go to sleep, I feel like sleep is such a waste of time.

I can hardly enjoy a night out because even that feels like a waste of my life. The clock moves faster than I could breathe, the finish line moves farther as my peddle my feet, I see peers graduating with college degrees, yet I’m still stuck in my anti social, social scene. Trying to teach a monkey to swim upstream, is easier than making a fish learn how to climb a tree. Yet my belief is that I believe I’ll be able to rest on the highest leaf. Oh man to be stuck in this nightmare of a dream.

I got things I’d love to do, places I’d love to see, but it’s hard to finish what I’ve started, because it will never be perfect according to me. I feel like there’s no progression in my sessions, yet my friends would often mention “hey the things you’ve been doing has been catching my attention.” Now I got to learn how to keep that retention. I try to make excuses by calling mistakes lessons, or attempting to turn my burnouts into a message. I hate having a mind of perfection, because things become uglier the more I try to mess with. Like a dog chasing its tail, so close yet not quite, and I tell myself if I try just a little longer I might.

I’m tired. I’ll keep trying, even if the light at end keeps dying I’ll keep moving forward. But I’m tired. I’ll keep going, I don’t care how much I’ll trip and fall i hope one day my aspirations will send me flying. I’m so tired. But I know that I have these visions of creation for a reason and I’ll respond by diving in the deep end.

It feels like I’m stuck in this looping dream, where I’m chasing what looks like version of me I’ve always prayed for, some days I get close and other days I really need to pray more. But I’ll run, I’ll chase, I’ll crawl if I have to. I’ve started some things and I can’t just leave them unfinished, even when it’s way past due. I’m never happy with my finished results because “dude you’re just not good enough.” Sorry, I started talking to myself for a second there.

I sit and wonder, when will I ever be the version I wish to be. When will I ever see the height I wish to see. When will I get the finished product that finally looks good to me. It feels almost impossible to reach that person I desire so much who’s right in front of me, the better version I seek.

But when will I ever wake up from this round-a-bout, carnival merry go round of a dream? I’m scared, what if this is how far I can go? I take a step closer to the better me. What if this is the best I can do? Another step closer. What if this is all I can get? Another step. What if this is all I can be? Closer. I ask myself, as I realize that I’m standing right behind my future image, well within arms reach. I take a pause, and a breath. Then I stretch my hand. Scared that it might run from me again, I slowly extend. My hand hovers over its shoulder, and as I place it down, I feel a smaller hand on mines. I quickly turn around, and that’s when,

Oh Lord my God you have given me these gifts, yet I speak to myself with standards higher than the clouds. I sometimes find myself deeper than the sea, sometimes on top of the mount.

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deshoveledmess · 1 year

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310123

Just felt like doing a little bit of journaling today. It’s been one hell of a month. 26 days in camp, 5 days out. Today is one of those rare days.

Before I start though, Tiong Hoe Coffee @ Vivocity. Flat white, hot, getting scents of flowers and cranberries, $5.50.

Damn, did I mention it was one hell of a month? I’ll start by recounting events that happened during the month. It initially started pretty slowly. We did have a couple extra ops related things occur, but nothing too bad. Pretty quite throughout the first half of the month. Then it hit.

Chinese New Year, or well, Lunar New Year, cause China do be a hot topic right now. We brought in a couple ships, USS MAKIN ISLAND, USS WAYNE E. MEYER, USS CHUNG HOON, and USS NIMITZ. That makes 2 CVNs and 4 carrier type ships in my CDS career. The schedule was pretty whack the entire month, my platoon ended up with the shorter end of the straw on that one. Did manage to expand on my patch collection though.

Combat Shoot Support Proper. Well, Marksman, baby. I shot 35/38, pretty good if I do say so myself. Pretty shag 4 days of work though, but that’s a free $200 which I will gladly take.

Injury. Well, remember that bad fall I had in December of last year? Turns out I tore a tendon and sprained several ligaments in my foot. Been off the grind for a hot minute, no climbing, no gym, too much food = gaining weight, not good.

Stress. you know, I never understood why people drink sadness or stress away, but now I do. I’ve been feeling pretty stressed lately. Maybe it’s the upcoming 2IC term, maybe it’s exhaustion, maybe it’s the Mac Health Sci Supp App, or maybe it’s nothing. But wow, Stress.

Dreams. I have been having one too many dreams about her. It’s kinda strange. I don’t even know why. It ain’t like I’ve been looking through any photos or texts. Maybe it’s her upcoming birthday? It’s so strange. One dream was us driving down some random road before I got caught in an accident. Maybe it’s a reflection of my life spiralling out of control. I haven’t got the faintest clue... they just happen out of nowhere.

Gym. Well, progress has been pretty nonexistent. In fact, it might be a regression. But, well, when there’s lows, you can only go up from here. So here’s to dedicating February back to the grind.

But man, 2023 is already 1/12th over. Time really flies. This time last year, I would’ve been half way through BMT with my mates. Still chonky. The more I think about it, the more grateful I am for the past year. Everyone I’ve met, especially my Sea Soldier friends, it’s all been such a blessing. Yi Da, Kai Jie, Matthew, Zavier, Lyon, Aniq, TL. Man... 8% of the year is done, and I’ve got, what? T-06 months left if I’m disrupting my service. So, let’s make the most of it. Here’s to a February, a productive one.

Sincerely, CHEF LUNGLESS

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hyunubear · 2 years

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i usually keep my freak outs in the tags! rarely do i comment on the post directly in a reblog. i understand both sides though. for me, as a fic writer, i love feedback and reading someone’s thoughts. it doesn’t matter where they’re shared. this is the first time i’m hearing about accounts being blocked for this though. wow :o but valid. freedom to block whoever you want. i’m also not sure why i said reblogs specifically because sometimes i’ll make my own posts and end up talking to myself lol.

also, there’s definitely been a change with reblogging. it’s so evident and sad tbh. i’ve been on tumblr since 2014/15 and started writing fics in late 2016. however, i wrote for two other fandoms before discovering kpop, so i totally saw everything you said about interactions, discourse, huge accounts, relationships between mutuals etc, but in other spaces. it’s also interesting to read what you wrote about people heading to twitter. i’ve see the exact kind of posts you mentioned there, but i didn’t consider they might’ve left tumblr. the shift is also obvious when you see someone in your notifs who doesn’t have any reblogs. do you block those accounts? i never have, and idk if i should.

(that is another can of worms indeed. i used to be active on the shawn mendes side of tumblr (yikes lol🥴) and i remember feeling so intimidated by certain blogs. i feel that way a little bit now, but it’s no comparison to how it used to be)

cheers to all those anons. y’all amused the hell out of me. i still see some with similar energy these days… oh nostalgia

please... don't even get me started on fics... i never posted my fics on tumblr (onyl links to them) but even on Ao3 it's pretty much dead... if i didn't love writing so much I would never waste a second of my life writing with the number of feedback ppl nowadays give to ff authors. which is very little. yeah... some blogs were really weird about it. believe it or not one time a blog vague posted about me because I had tagged someone under their post (it was fantaken pics) and then they went on and on about how tagging ppl under their post messed with their notes. they were so rude... I ended up blocking them. like nope. i do not want that energy on my dash idc how many followers u have. but yeah personally I don't think that's something anyone really has the right to be mad about. this is a free website and people are free to do whatever they want (so long as it doesn't include any female body parts ofc *clown emoji*) and even if it mildly annoys me I never get that heated up over it and I definitely don't block bc of it slflsd

yeah I remember how intimidating big accounts used to be... and it feels like a lifetime ago when u think about it... maybe some people just... idk, grew out of the phase? I don't want to believe that ppl who used tumblr for years would move to twitter. it makes no sense. there are definitely people who just found other interests and left and thats normal. what's not normal is those people not being replaced... this stuff usually happens in a cycle. some people leave and some more join but I don't see anyone new around here. seriously, do u know a stan account who is new? literally everyone I know here has been here since I joined this fandom if not earlier.

edit: I forgot to answer to this one!!! abt empty blogs, I don’t usually check the blogs in my notes unless they look really sketcy (/are obv a p08n bot) but ive definitely seen blogs that are completely empty and even have the default icon and stuff. i usually leave them along and give them the benefit of the doubt. maybe they’re fans who don’t want to be active and post stuff and just want to consume and keep up with their faves.

#there's no way to know how many of ur followers are still active sadly #but i can confidently tell u that I got at least twice as much interaction last year when i had about half the amount of followers as now #if u go to my archive last year and filter 'ask' tag there will be A LOT of asks in each months archive #now? maybe 2-3 a month #and it's not like our ult aren't active #when i was a vixx stan blog vixx were active for about 2-3 months in totall in the 2 years i stanned them #and we still had a TON of interactions with our moots and the big accs #starlights would make content from old videos even when there wasn't any new content and we always had so much to make discourse about #monsta x too has so much content that if they stopped releasing content right now we'd still have years worth of content to talk about #they have SO MANY VARIETIES ITS INSANE #as i mentioned the other day i blame this on streaming culture too #people literally don't know how to have fun #they think everything they do has to in some way benefit the artist and that is so messed up #ask #anon

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ahundredtimesover · 3 years

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Inevitable (02) | JJK

Pairing: Jungkook x (f.) Reader (ft. ot6)

Genre/Tags: exes au, parents au, baseball player!JK; angst, fluff, smut (18+)

Series Warnings: foul language, alcohol consumption, minor character death, explicit sexual content in future chapters (oral, unprotected sex but be safe please!)

Chapter Word count: 7.2k

Summary: You convinced Jungkook to break up years ago so he could pursue his lifelong baseball dream. Now he’s back home, staring at you, and the little boy next to you who looks unmistakably like him.

A/N: So appreciative of your love for this story! I’m quite nervous with this one because I had to make changes last minute so I hope you still enjoy it. Also, you can message me if you want to be part of the taglist (or if I missed tagging you)!

Series Masterlist || Previous || Next

“Thank you again, Mr. Jeon. Quite frankly, this still feels surreal but we’re so glad you’re back.”

Jungkook bows at the man, one of the executives of the Doosan Bears, one he’d just had a meeting with, which followed an interview with a sports writer.

For the past week, Jungkook’s days have been filled with meeting and talking to many people, forcing smiles and making conversations that quite frankly tire him but he welcomes this, knowing that any beat of silence will just force his mind to settle on you. And his pain. And his anger.

The man stops him in the hallway to point at a frame of the elder Jeon holding up the team’s 1999 championship trophy.

“Hopefully you’ll have one, too, and we’ll place it right next to this,” he says, a statement that Jungkook’s been hearing in a variety of forms the past few days of interviews and appearances.

It’s different this time because his father had achieved so many things back here, a national hero if people wanted to stretch it. Here, Jungkook has to live up to expectations, which many people believe he’ll exceed. His father, a good player and an even better leader, had been loved by many in the sports world, and it’s an honor they get to watch Jungkook play in the flesh, reminiscent of the man that many adored.

In the US, they didn’t know his father, so Jungkook was able to pave his own path there, make a name for himself guided only by the thought and dream of his hero, and not living in his shadow. It’s a dream they shared and one he’d achieved.

But for the first time, it doesn’t comfort Jungkook. For the first time, it angers him. It’s that dream that took you away from him, that took Jungwon away from him. It’s this dream that essentially broke his heart in ways he never imagined.

Everyone is quiet as they absorb everything that Jungkook has said. Since that day at your apartment, he’d been radio silent when it came to his friends, but he’s here at Jin’s loft now, with Jimin whom he’s still cold towards, and Yoongi and Hoseok who complete the group, as they’re Jin’s and Namjoon’s friends from college who’d gotten close to the young ones, too.

They’re glad they finally have the time to just be together after a crazy week. Ironically, it’s a somber event. This isn’t how they imagined welcoming the young one home.

They’re incomplete though. By nature of the concern at hand, Taehyung isn’t around; he’d left the group chat anyway so he wouldn’t have known that Jungkook messaged - finally, after a week of bombarding everyone with messages about you only to stop after he stormed out of your apartment. Namjoon is also not here, still not checking their group chat.

“Wow, I can’t believe ___ was pregnant all that time and had been able to keep the kid from us for years,” Hoseok finally speaks up, shock still evident in his voice. He’d been the one most vocal in stating what everyone else was thinking, the rest opting to just shut up and leave the talking to Jungkook, who’s now allowed himself to once again feel all the emotions in the presence of his friends.

They know that very little things get to him - whether they’re external stressors, outside pressure, naysayers, envious people, or school, he’d always been able to manage them.

He rarely gets angry, too, and doesn’t really let negative feelings fester, so Jungkook with a piercing gaze, pursed lips, flared nostrils, and clenched fists, as he is right now, is an unfamiliar sight to them.

And it’s all because of you.

Jungkook never took the very few relationships he had before you seriously; he’d been too focused on the sport ever since he was a kid.

But you captured him immediately and since that day at the field when he’d thrown a baseball and almost hit Taehyung on the arm and you’d shouted at Jungkook relentlessly for being a careless jerk, he knew that he’d want to shut you up with kisses just so you could get mad at him again.

He’d been a cheeky sophomore then, enjoying the bit of popularity he was gaining in Seoul for being an immediate standout of their university’s baseball team - the Pride of Busan, he’d been called - and he hadn’t expected this beautiful woman to almost knock him out for almost hitting her friend, even if Taehyung had been adamant that the hit was several centimeters off.

“I have better aim than that,” Jungkook had told you smugly, and his heart fluttered at the gagging face you made.

He wasn’t usually that bold but he felt it was worth it, especially if it was to see you scowl then try to hide a smile after. It took a few days until you’d given him more than 5 minutes of your time, then another few weeks before you finally agreed to a date, and then just two months to convince you that he was definitely worthy to be something more.

You both knew you’d fallen in love with each other even before either of you said it, the words always catching in your throats whenever you tried, but then he finally did, and he was over the moon when you’d said it back and he’d never been happier.

Even when you walked out that door and out of his life that December evening, he’d held onto you, your lingering presence enough for you to still be his anchor, his love, his guiding light.

He never thought that at one point, he’d beg for that to not be you. Just the thought of you sends him into a spiral, not of heartbreak or despair like before, he reckons that was even better; but of the feeling of resentment and betrayal.

Everyone’s chatter faints into background noise for a while, with Jungkook’s friends saying maybe you’d come back to Seoul only recently, hearing from Namjoon that you stayed in Daejeon with your cousin to work at a tech company. It had been a mystery how none of them caught up sooner, having only seen you twice a year at most and not knowing anything else.

“Ask Jimin,” Jungkook chimes in bitterly. “He was in on it anyway.”

The three older men turn to the man in question, Jimin meeting their curious gazes with a guilty look, knowing at some point Jungkook would grill him.

“Remember that woman I dated two years ago, the teacher?” He sighs.

Everyone nods.

“I surprised her one time at the daycare center where she was working. That’s how I bumped into ___. It was pretty obvious at first glance that Jungwon is Kook’s kid. I mean,” Jimin smiles, thinking about the little boy who’s taken his heart as well, reminding him of the best parts of Jungkook that's laid dormant for years. “Wide eyes, shy smile, puffy cheeks and soft features. It was unmistakable.”

Jimin remembers that day well, how flustered you’d been, arriving at the daycare an hour late and profusely apologizing to the staff. He’d stopped you then, his shocked face enough to let you know what he was thinking as you held the boy in your arms. It didn’t take long for you to tell him the truth, begging him not to tell his best friend.

“He’s finally playing in the major league, Jimin. There are too many good things going on for him there. I mean he— he’s happy. It won’t do good for me to tell him now,” you’d told him.

Jimin could’ve pressed more, should’ve gone to the root of your decision to hide it in the first place, or maybe even convinced you to tell Jungkook the truth, but you looked too stressed, a permanent fixture on your face, he thought, and he didn’t want to push it.

So he left it at that, knowing as well that between the pressure to do well and the rumors going around, this type of news would be a big hit to Jungkook. Ultimately, Jimin didn’t think it was his place to meddle; the most he could do was support you any way he could.

“How is he, the kid?” Jin questions, knowing his cousin would want to know but is too stubborn and angry to ask.

“The sweetest,” Jimin beams. “He’s pretty shy but becomes playful once he’s warmed up to you. He’s smart, just like ___, and is so caring, he's very affectionate and even talks to insects and—“ he pauses, as Yoongi nudges his knee and motions for him to stop.

Jungkook is still, jaws clenched again at the thought that these are things he doesn’t know and for obvious reasons. Thinking about how Taehyung and Jimin have done so much more for and with his own kid hurts him.

He loves his friends, knows he should be thankful that they’d been there for you and Jungwon but he can’t shake off the frustration, the jealousy. He wonders if any other man had the privilege of getting to know his son that way, of getting close to him.

He wonders, too, if any other man had gotten close to you. That’s a pang in his chest he doesn’t want to dwell on.

“Look, I’m really sorry, Kook. But a lot of things were happening with you then, too and I didn’t want to just drop that news to you. It would have been too much and—“

“You too?” Jungkook huffs. “I fucking hate it when people think they can just decide on such things about my life without me having a say. Wouldn't that piss you off if it happened to you?”

He’s met with silence.

It’s what gets him, really, the fact that people he trusted couldn’t afford him the decency of letting him decide, of trusting him that whatever happens, he was gonna figure it out.

“Wanna know what I think?” Yoongi speaks up.

“No,” Jungkook responds.

“That was hypothetical,” Yoongi says and shifts in his seat. “We all know ___. She’s very self-assured, sometimes to a fault, but she’s not rash, she’s not selfish. She might have decided on her own but it doesn’t mean she didn’t consider you.”

“She still should’ve talked to me about it. It was too big of a decision to not include me in it,” Jungkook retorts.

“But she was right, wasn’t she? You would have stayed. She knows you too well that you would’ve given up everything.”

“Why does everyone make it sound so bad? Of course I would’ve. That’s my son! I’m not the kind of person who would turn his back on that responsibility,” Jungkook bites back.

“It isn’t bad, but that’s precisely the point. Did you ask yourself why she thought it was worth it? Why she believed that the better option was to not be truthful for as long as you got to live out your dream? For as long as you got to reap the benefits of what you’ve worked so hard for?” Yoongi posits.

Jungkook stills, lips starting to quiver as he processes his friend’s questions.

“Baseball has always been your whole world, Jungkook. She shared you with it. It was all you talked about - the dream, what it meant to you, the connection with your father, the joy you’d feel when playing and hearing the cheers… We knew that, she knew that,” Yoongi continues.

“Your dream made you, Kook. It was all you knew, and she never complained. She loved you the same. And even with all your anger towards her right now, you know she wouldn’t try to take that dream away from you. Even if it means hurting both of you in the process.”

“But she meant so much to me, too. I would’ve done anything for her, and I thought she knew that,” Jungkook whimpers. He’d never once doubted what he felt for you and he always thought it was enough.

“Yeah, but do you think that was her first thought when she found out she was pregnant? That you’d give up your dream for her without any consequences down the line? She knew you would’ve stayed because you’re the kind of person to do that, but she also knew what that would mean, what that would do to you, and what that would do to them.”

Yoongi, ever the wise one of the group, makes everyone think.

The silence is deafening, but Jungkook doesn’t miss the way the guys have taken to slight nods and furrowed brows.

“Baseball was too important to you. She probably believed you’d lose more if you didn’t take the opportunity then. Not being there for her and your son was something she maybe thought you could always make up for,” Yoongi states.

Of your brother’s friends, Yoongi had always been the one you were closest to, spent the most nights at parties with, talking and agreeing on things. This is probably why he gets it, gets why you felt like you had to do what you did.

“Kook, don’t think she never planned on telling you. She never meant to keep it a secret forever,” Jimin says, recalling your claims that you just needed the right time to eventually tell Jungkook. “Maybe that’s why you’re even more frustrated; maybe you think she never wanted to involve you. Of course she does. You were her whole world and—“

“Baseball was mine,” Jungkook finishes, resigning to the idea that that's what you always thought, and you weren’t wrong. “She thinks I’d resent them down the road if I stayed and gave up on my dream.”

“I love you, Kook, but that fear is valid,” Jin says. “I’m not saying I agree with her decision but I think I get where she’s coming from.”

“But hey, you have all the right to be angry,” Hoseok says, disrupting the silence that’s enveloped everyone again. “Just don’t be so consumed by it, okay? You’re back, you have more of a reason to stay, so just think of where you need to go from here. You have all of us, you and ___ and Jungwon have all of us.”

Jungkook wipes off the tears that have silently fallen down his cheeks, the most he’s cried in front of his friends in years. It had been a change on his end after the break up - the walls he put up, the control he had over his emotions, the once soft heart hardening in places to make sure he wouldn’t hurt as much again. He hates to admit that it had all been because of you.

Jin’s phone rings and cuts through the silence that’s tainted with short sniffles.

“Namjoon saw the chat, wonders if he could come,” Jin asks.

“No need, I’m gonna leave soon,” Jungkook responds.

Jin relays the message to Namjoon who sends his own, then finishes the call.

“He said he wants to check up on you, too. You should meet up with him, I think it’d be good. It’s Namjoon, Kook. He loves his sister to death but you know he’ll be objective about it, too. Think about it, okay?”

Jungkook nods then lets some time pass before he leaves.

He thinks about it that night until the wee hours of the morning. For the first time, he thinks about what you felt the moment you found out, about what you were feeling and thinking that led you to decide to break up, and if you really planned on making him believe that you didn’t think it’d work out to cover up the truth.

Everything the guys said tonight rings in his head. What made you think this was the better option? What made you think he’d lose more if he gave up on the dream instead of being in your and Jungwon’s life? Why did you think his dream was more important than his life with you? Why did you think he’d resent you down the road?

It’s not lost on him that his dream seemed to trump everything else. It would always go back to that, it would always be about that, how even during that life-changing moment of you finding out you were carrying his child, what you considered was him and baseball.

He recalls the days leading up to the break up, how your conversations had been about his move, but never about the two of you. He chalked it up to thinking it was a given, that of course you’d stay together. He never realized that it wasn’t actually clear to you; it had been a given to him but not to you.

Jungkook doesn’t remember fights about lack of time because of training, or him not being in the mood after a bad game. Everything you’ve ever been to him was patient, understanding, and accepting of the sport he’d dedicated his whole life to, like it was a given, like it was the most important thing, like it was the third party in your relationship. And you never complained.

He loved you for that and more, for the fighter that you were, for the strong and goal-oriented woman that you were, for the thoughtful and warm-hearted person you’ve always been. He loved you so much. He’d fallen so hard that he willingly gave you his heart and let you do whatever you wanted with it, as long you had it. Because of that, you hurt him so terribly, he didn’t know how he could recover.

He thinks now that maybe it was on him, too. Maybe he didn’t tell you enough just how much you meant to him. Maybe he could’ve done more, appreciated you more, or at least let you know that you were just as much a part of his plan the way baseball was.

Maybe then you would’ve trusted him that you two would work it out, that it would be okay if he had to let go of his dream to be the partner that you needed, to be the father you needed him to be for your child.

But maybe you both didn’t know any better, he also thinks. You were so young, maybe it was too much to ask you to trust him, maybe you were also right not to. He’d definitely grown up the past years, and maybe he wouldn’t have if you didn’t break his heart the way you did.

He thinks about how you’d been the past years, too, how you took care of Jungwon on your own, how hard it must’ve been for you. But any more and he knows he’ll break down, and he doesn’t trust himself doing that alone.

He sighs at all the thoughts in his head and his mixed emotions. But his friends are right. He’s home now - he has all the resources, the time - what matters is what happens next.

He wants to understand better, and to know what you went through but he can’t bring himself to ask you. He knows you’ll brush off the sacrifices, the struggles; you never wanted to make others see your vulnerability, know of your weakest moments. So he decides to ask someone else. It’s 4AM but he doesn’t care.

[To: Namjoon]: Can we meet up? Jin’s bar at 7pm. See you.

“Uncle Tete, I choose this one!” Jungwon excitedly says, pointing at a toy submarine on the shelf. Taehyung is quick to retrieve the item then puts it in the cart.

“Okay, what else does this muffin want?”

“Tae, I said one thing,” you sigh. “Also, can you make sure that toy doesn’t have removable parts so he doesn’t attract kind strangers to help him?”

Your best friend rolls his eyes but Jimin chuckles next to you. “___, that broken airplane brought you to Jungkook. Plus, Jungwon wandered away; imagine if some other stranger found him,” he says.

“Shut up, I’m traumatized. That wasn’t the best way to let Jungkook know. Plus, I was so flustered that I lied and said I was babysitting,” you groan to yourself. You always knew how to carry yourself but it was really only Jungkook who ever made you feel nervous.

“I made it seem like I really meant to lie and you know that’s not true. I just didn’t know he was gonna be back. And you didn’t tell me,” you glare at Jimin.

“You think I didn’t give him shit for not telling me?” He replies. “Only Jin knew. Even I didn’t think he’d actually sign with the Bears. Everything was so fast. Before I knew it, he was already boarding a plane back home.”

“Well, he did say he didn’t wanna bug you since you’ve been so busy with your show,” Tae says from the shelf next to you. “Jungwon wants this puppy towel, by the way. Can I buy it for him?”

“Tae, I said just one thing. Stop spoiling him. We’re supposed to buy his school supplies,” you whine.

“Right, his father’s gonna hate me even more,” he mumbles.

“Okay, muffin. Mama said just one thing. Let’s go look at crayons now,” Tae tells Jungwon who smiles back at him and agrees.

“How’s rehearsal by the way?” You ask Jimin.

“Good. Just a few more weeks and we’re ready to go,” he says, excited over the Swan Lake show that his company is putting on. You’re excited, too, certain he’s going to do well. Being a professional ballerina is so much work but he’s always exceeded expectations. You know it can get stressful so maybe that’s why Jungkook didn’t bother informing him earlier.

“You’re watching, okay? The first show and the last, it’s when everyone is watching, too,” he says.

“You don’t have to ask, Jimin. Of course, I’ll be there. Sucks that Jungwon won’t get to see his uncle perform though.”

“Okay, just making sure, since Jungkook is here and all.”

“You should ask him, then. He’s the one who detests me,” you sigh.

“He doesn’t detest you, ___. He’s just angry, and with reason.”

You don’t miss the stern tone of his voice. You always felt the disappointment that Jimin felt towards you with what happened, even stayed away for a while after the breakup. Moving back to your parents’ home had been a good escape, seeing as how you didn’t know how to face your friends after everything.

It wasn’t until 2 years ago when Jimin bumped into you at the daycare that you two got to talking again. You know he decided to stick around for Jungwon, but it always worried you that he’d eventually tell Jungkook but he never did, which you were thankful for.

“I never said it wasn’t justified. I mean, after last week, I hope he stays angry at me, you know? And for a long time. I deserve that.”

“Hey, don’t talk that way.”

“You think I’m wrong? That I don’t deserve his anger?”

Jimin sighs. The department store really isn’t the best place for this but he proceeds anyway.

“It’s not that. I mean, it’s one thing to hurt him by suddenly breaking up with. And I won’t lie to you, ___, you broke him. That night, I found him curled in a ball by the door, unmoving, kind of like how I used to find him when we were younger… after his dad died.”

You release a long breath, not even wanting to imagine a balled-up Jungkook, sobbing. You heard him that night, how he begged for you to please don’t go. You walked away from the closed door then, as any moment longer would’ve just made you take it back.

“But it’s also another thing to lie about his son,” Jimin continues.

“You know I had to do it; he wouldn’t have agreed to break up if I didn’t make him believe that I didn’t want him anymore. And I had to keep Jungwon from him because I couldn’t let him stay. I mean, Jungkook and I just couldn’t be together, it wasn’t that easy.“

“Weren’t there other options?” Jimin wonders. “Maybe like, I don’t know, going with him?”

He’d heard Jungkook mention in passing before about possibly asking you to go with him but he doesn’t know if his best friend ever got to ask.

No one really knows what happened that night; Jungkook never said anything more than it’s over. No explanations, no follow-ups. Three days later, he talked to the school administration and requested for an early completion of his requirements so he could leave for the US as soon as possible.

“It never really entered my mind… I mean, I got pregnant after the deal was finalized and that was not an option at all,” you explain. “It would’ve been too hard, too scary. I mean, we were still so young and to be in a foreign place, by ourselves, with a child? And we were just together for 2 years, that would’ve been a huge step and—“

“Did you doubt what he felt?”

“What do you mean?”

“You talk as if you didn’t think you were ready as a couple for that step. You two loved each other so much. He loved you so, so much, ___. Doesn’t matter how hard things would’ve been, he would’ve done everything he could to make sure you two would make it, he would’ve done whatever he needed to make you happy.”

“It’s not that simple, Jimin. He needed support there, needed someone to help him and make things easier, not someone - more like two people - to take care of and what would have I done for him? What would have I offered?”

“That wouldn’t have mattered though, right? He always wanted to make you happy, being with you would’ve been enough, I mean, he loved you that much.”

Jimin is met with silence, and it hits him what Yoongi was pointing out the night before, and it crushes him. Maybe if you knew just how much you mattered to Jungkook, maybe you would’ve trusted him, maybe you would’ve trusted the both of you.

You let out a deep sigh instead. You never doubted Jungkook’s love for you; you just knew there were other more important things, things he‘s dedicated much more time on, unlike you.

You shake the thoughts away. You know that dwelling on the what if’s won’t help your mind and your heart, especially now.

You and Jimin settle on watching Taehyung help Jungwon decide on which crayons and colored clay to choose for art class, smiling at the little boy who’s been nothing but the sweetest angel.

Your smile fades away though, at the thought of how it must be for him too, meeting all these men who always introduce themselves as his uncle, never his father.

Jungwon had asked you only twice - one time when he asked if he was made of magic because there was this older kid in the playground who said that her mommy and daddy made her but Jungwon didn’t have a daddy; the other time was more straightforward, just where is Papa.

That kind of pain is truly unmatched, you think, and you settle for telling the little kid that his Papa is somewhere doing good things but that Papa loves him even if he isn’t around. No promises, no false hope. You made the choice and your kid shouldn’t suffer too much for it - you know Jungkook would love him no matter what.

“How has Jungkook been, by the way? And I want the truth, Jimin,” you ask as you save your sad thoughts for another day.

Since you reconnected two years ago, you never really talked about Jungkook and Jimin had always made sure to only bring him up when you asked. Which was never.

Everything is now out in the open though so you think there’s no harm in asking.

“Like I said, you broke him,” he sighs. “He hasn’t really been the same. We were all so worried, that’s why Jin made sure to go with him when he left; it’s why I made sure to visit him twice a year. He just became different, you know? Like a light was put out.”

You let this process for a bit. It had been the same with you, only you had a child to remind you of Jungkook. It had been hard to get over him - you didn’t break up with him because you didn’t love him anymore, anyway; it was the opposite, in fact.

But you had to try to at least move on because at the back of your mind, you knew that things weren’t going to be the same after that. You knew Jungkook would never abandon your son, would never not love him; you are altogether a different story.

“He was doing pretty well though, wasn’t he?” You shift the discussion.

You recall having watched games for the first few years. He’d been signed to the affiliate team of the LA Dodgers and was playing in Oklahoma City. He was an immediate standout and was chosen by the major league team to play in the roster the year after. It was almost meteoric, considering that he was a foreigner and thus, largely unheard of, but he was in tip-top shape, eye-hand coordination impressive, batting skills a dream especially as a rookie, and ran like Flash that it was a nickname the locals used to call him.

“Oh, he was great. Even the man who scouted him didn’t think he would be that great. But that’s expected, I guess, if you spend every waking hour in the gym or in the batting cage, if you follow a strict and intense schedule even during the off-season, and if you have no distractions like friends or girlfriends,” Jimin explains, pointing out all the sacrifices behind the success.

“But Maia—”

“Was probably the first friend he made outside of his team. You’d expect her to be his girlfriend too, right?”

You pause at this. You knew that at some point, Jungkook would move on from you; you did make him believe you didn’t want to be with him anymore, anyway. Yet, it was still a bitter pill to swallow when you found out about his relationship. She was a model-actress, so her presence in the games would often cause a buzz.

“He just changed in a way. There were all these walls up, even from us. You took a very big piece of him, ___. I’m surprised he even got to recover. I was afraid he wasn’t gonna be able to move on from you.”

There’s a pang in your chest at the seeming finality of Jimin’s words. Of course Jungkook would move on from you, of course at one point he’d realize that things would be better without you. You just didn’t think it would hurt like this.

“That’s good for him, then.”

“Have you?”

“Yes, of course,” you say. You hope he doesn’t miss the uncertainty in your voice, that he doesn’t detect the lie.

Jungkook enters the venue and heads straight to the bar where Namjoon is already waiting.

“Scotch, please,” Jungkook calls to the bartender, earning him a remark from the older man about how even his alcoholic preference has upgraded.

“It’s smoother,” Jungkook says, fixing himself on the barstool.

There’s an air of silence between the two men that is almost uncomfortable.

It had never been like this. Namjoon is a protective brother but given that Jin is one of his good friends who’d vouched for the young man, it had been easy for Namjoon to go soft on Jungkook. He saw how much Jungkook cared for you, made you happy, and as your brother, he’ll always be grateful for that.

“How are you?” The older man asks, sipping on his Martini.

“Great. Just found out my ex-girlfriend was pregnant with our son whom I didn’t know existed until a week ago. You?”

“Not great. My parents have been calling me, asking how ___ is and how you are and if things are okay. Don’t exactly know how to break the news that things aren’t actually fine.”

“They must hate me, huh?”

“Nope. You know our parents always stayed out of our relationships. They always liked you, though. But is that what you really wanna know?”

Jungkook exhales, trying to calm himself. He had time to think things through, but facing the emotions had been difficult.

“I just wanna try to understand. I want so badly to justify what she did so I could stop being so angry. I just want to stop feeling… this,” he says, clutching his chest, lips quivering. “It hurts so bad, I just don’t want to feel this anymore.”

Namjoon weakens at the sight of Jungkook like this, desperate to feel something else other than pain, other than anger. He’d heard from Jin how it was so hard for the young man to accept losing you, and then all this? It’s a lot for one person to handle.

“She was so selfish, leaving me like that, thinking I would be okay on my own. And then I finally accepted what happened only to find out that we have a child all this time? Please, please make me understand,” he begs, eyes glassy now.

“Look,” Namjoon says, turning to Jungkook, who, even with his build, has never looked so small.

“I won’t defend her and say that I think she made the right decision. It’s just that she made the best decision she could make at that moment. She knew what was at stake and she felt that choice was the better one,” he explains, similar to what Yoongi had posited.

This is your brother who always had a good read of you and it’s the closest to your thoughts that Jungkook could get.

“She tried to comfort herself everyday by justifying what she did - that you did well, made it to the major league a year later. You did what you set out to do. And I’m sorry to bring this up but when your mother got sick, wasn’t it that you had enough to pay for it all? No debts, no added stress for her? Life was good for you and your mother. It wasn’t the best, but what if you had stayed?” He asks, the question ringing in his head.

How would things be if Jungkook stayed?

“Again, I’m not saying she was right, I’m just saying that things happened the way they did and she made a choice. Any other decision would’ve had other consequences and she made the one she could stand by, that she could live with. I mean, it was all she could do.”

Jungkook thinks about this, how he’d felt comforted, too that he was able to pay for all his mother’s medical bills when it got too much. But life wasn’t good; it was excruciating being away from you, thinking all that time that you really didn’t believe in the both of you, convinced that it wasn’t going to work out.

All he had was the love and joy he got from baseball; it had been enough for him that time. Of course, with what he knows now, it’s different.

Jungkook goes back to what Namjoon asked, about what he really wanted to know.

“Did… did she have a hard time?” Eyes pleading. “Tell me, please.”

Namjoon sighs at this, not knowing how to answer. “It wasn’t easy.”

“Don’t simplify it. I need… I need to know. I need to not feel this. I need to not be angry,” he says, voice strained.

“She won’t want your pity, Jungkook, you know her.”

“Please, Namjoon. You know she’ll never tell me. But I need to know.”

The older man lets out a deep breath, knowing that you indeed wouldn’t tell Jungkook any of this.

“She stayed with my parents in Ilsan after graduation. She was four months along then but was adamant about earning on her own so she took several jobs online. There was a lot of stress but that’s normal, I guess,” Namjoon narrates. “My parents, Taehyung, and our neighbor all took turns staying with her because she’s so stubborn, you know? Wouldn’t tell you if something’s wrong.”

Jungkook knows that all too well, that you really are like that.

“Knowing that, though, my parents had her checked every week. That’s how they determined fetal distress,” Namjoon slows down, tone more somber now. “It was early detection so they were able to perform a c-section right away.”

Jungkook turns to him, fear and worry etched on the younger man’s face. “She… she had surgery?”

“Yeah. It was pretty tough and Jungwon had to be monitored for any disabilities or delays. But yeah, he managed, she managed,” Namjoon recounts. The events are so far away but it’s like the worry and the relief still feel so real.

“The kid’s strong, Jungkook. He has a soft and sweet soul like you but he's definitely a fighter like his mother. Perfect mix, if I should say so myself,” the older man smiles, trying to turn the conversation to a lighter one.

He means it though, how Jungwon personifies the best parts of you and Jungkook.

“But they were okay after?”

“Somewhat. She was required to rest for several weeks so those two bonded like crazy,” Namjoon giggles. “Good thing that Jungwon was a quiet one, barely cried, didn’t give ___ too much of a hard time. It just… took time away from her earning, you know? So once she was capable, she took this job at a marketing firm that was way too hectic but paid well and it just… It was hard.”

“How hard?”

“Hard. Jungkook, she was a single parent. A stubborn and proud one at that. Worked over 12 hours a day, took online jobs during the weekend, took Jungwon to daycare everyday, taught him to do everything, made sure he got to play and all…” Namjoon narrates.

“It’s why my mom visited her every month for those first 2 years, why Ara and I would babysit often, why Taehyung set up a place for Jungwon at his apartment on days when ___ had an event until early morning. She only ever asked help if it was about Jungwon, never if it was about her,” Namjoon sighs, recalling how painful it had been for him as your brother to watch you do it all, never taking a break, never asking for help.

“Stubborn and proud, like you said,” Jungkook states.

“Yeah and well, she made a choice, Jungkook. She made a choice to leave you, to have this child on her own, and she made sure to give him everything while being the best parent she could be, taking on both roles for him and she never complained, not once. She just kept going, you know? Never made Jungwon feel any less or that he was a mistake or that he wasn’t loved enough. She made a decision and she stood by it. I’ll always admire her for that,” Namjoon states, holding his own emotions back.

Jungkook lets this all sink in, suddenly wishing that he was there for you, that you didn’t have to go through all that by yourself, that even with friends and family, he’s hoping you didn’t feel so alone.

He knows how you are, knows you’ll exhaust yourself before you even ask for help. That’s how he knew you truly loved him, when you would tell him you’re tired, or that you need help, whether it was something as simple as fixing your broken light bulb or using his charms to get the administration office to agree on this event proposal you had. Being open to him let him know you trusted him. Until you didn’t.

You never minded asking him, and Jungkook knows that if he’d been around, you wouldn’t have minded him helping you, making it easier for you. And it crushes him that he’d wanted to be everything you needed him to be for you and for your child but you didn’t even give him a chance.

He lets out a deep breath, the anger slowly dissipating and being replaced with longing, with a kind of sadness that he now doesn’t know how to deal with.

Namjoon picks up on this and pats him on the shoulder. “Look, I know that you’re still upset and you have the right to be. Just don’t be blinded by that. You’re home. You have a son that I’m sure you want to get to know. Four years is a lot but it’s also just 4 years. Don’t waste any more time that was already taken away from you.”

“Okay,” Jungkook says softly, knowing that it’s still going to take a lot of getting used to.

“So, what do you wanna do now?”

“Maybe meet up with her? I mean, I was yelling at her the last time we saw each other and I just want to ask to see our son.”

“Of course, Kook. I’m sure she’d want that, too.”

You’re sitting on one of the benches at the park the next day, watching Jungwon play with Namjoon and his wife, Ara, from afar. Even from here, you can make out the doe eyes of your son and his smile that reaches his eyes.

He likes the cold, just like you, and he’s been running about with his toy airplane and submarine, which he almost threw in the fountain. You’re smiling fondly, thinking of how the universe had been kind enough to bless you with the sweetest little angel that it could create.

You feel a figure settle next you, not too far away. Namjoon had told you late last night that Jungkook wanted to meet you, perhaps to ask for a workable schedule to spend time with Jungwon.

“Hey,” he says. You shiver, and you know it’s not because of the weather.

“I never got to tell you but I’m so, so sorry, Jungkook,” you say, turning to him, your eyes taking in the sight of him properly for the first time. “There’s so much I need to apologize for and I know it’s gonna take a long time for you to forgive me.”

You’re unable to rein in your feelings again, but after that first conversation with him and then the one you had with Jimin yesterday, you can’t help the guilt that you’ve been trying to temper bubble to the surface - for hurting him, for not trusting him, for not giving him a choice.

“There’s no point dwelling on what happened. It’s done. I’m here. I have time. And I’d like to spend it with Jungwon as much as possible,” he responds.

He doesn’t look at you; he just keeps his eyes out on the little boy still running about. His little boy, his son. And he can’t wait to finally hold him, get to know him, fall in love with him.

“Of course, but we need to take it slow. He’s a shy kid and it’ll take a while. Let’s follow his pace, okay?”

“Sure. We can grab lunch on Saturday, then?”

You can’t help the hope that bubbles in your chest. “That sounds good, Jungkook.”

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