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lemonjoonah · 4 years

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Beastly Gods - Namjoon’s Tale

Pairings: Hybrid!Namjoon x Reader x Hybrid!Taehyung Word Count: 3.5K Rating: M Genre: Hybrid AU, Thriller, Drama Warnings: Captivity, Manipulation, Swearing, Themes of Obsession and Ownership, Suicidal Thoughts and Discussions. No healthy relationships to be found here!

Summary: Taehyung offers up information regarding you, in order to quell Namjoon’s objections with his plan. But after misreading the situation, Namjoon’s inaction has allowed you to be trapped by what you fear most... Them.

A/N: A short companion/sequel to Beastly Gods, so PLEASE make sure you read that story first! This tale will be told from Namjoon’s point of view, presenting you with the chance to see his side of things, while also giving you a bit of a buffer from the Little Dove’s current emotional state.

...

Namjoon watches from a safe distance as you leave your home, venturing off deeper into the forest to forage for your village’s needs. His desires tell him to follow you, but that’s not why he’s here, not today at least. With the coast now clear, he can approach your cabin with caution, and wait for the trickster of a god to show himself. He’s always hated this plan of Taehyung’s, feeding you false truths to take you from this place, but that couldn’t quell his curiosity when he was told that his brother had something important to show him.

“I didn’t think you would come.” Taehyung’s voice reaches out as the door creaks open. His head poking out to survey the surroundings.

“Neither did I, but others were adamant.”

He steps out from the safety of the dwelling towards Namjoon’s tree. An arm tucked behind his back. “I have something to exchange...”

“I told you, I will not take her things to give you more time.” Taehyung may have convinced the others but Namjoon has no desire to dispose of his morals for a token that was not truly given by you.

“Fine, you don’t have to take it, but at least look at it.” He puts forward his hand to reveal a tattered novel, “I grabbed it from her shelf, it’s probably the most worn and read story in her collection. An interesting choice really, although I would be lying if I said it doesn’t make sense.”

Namjoon reaches down from the tree to take hold of the book offered to him. Growling with disgust upon reading the title, ‘Beauty and the Beast’. “Are you trying to imply this is what she wants? That she’s asking for this?” He snaps at Taehyung, his eyes narrowing, “Is this how you justify your lies?”

“Who’s the true villain in this story Namjoon? Who is it?”

It’s been so long since he’s read it but the evil is all too clear, “The pride and greed of mankind... but that does not negate the beast’s actions.”

“I’m trying to say that there are worse things than us. Just like the beast we offer a different freedom. A freedom which she might find better suits her than this life. She might grow to care for us, she just needs a little push out the door.”

“This is no fairy tale Taehyung, in the end we will always remain beasts.”

“Better that it’s us and not those circling the woods. I know you’ve seen them Namjoon. They are looking for our weakness. They’re closing in, and if I can befriend her, so can they. We must do whatever it takes to keep her safe Namjoon, you know that to be the real truth.”

“Whatever it takes...” Namjoon mutters the mantra while clutching the book, rubbing his fingers over the distressed cover. Knowing whether or not he agrees with what is happening, fate will never be kind to you, all he can do is make it more bearable. “You said it’s her favourite?”

“By far.” Taehyung smiles back to Namjoon.

Namjoon keeps the book in hand and looks to his wings. With a small wince he tugs out a choice feather and hands it back to Taehyung, “For her in return.”

“I’m sure she’ll be delighted to have it.”

...

He never should have listened to Taehyung. The reveal was too much, the look of terror etched upon your face is too agonizing to witness. It’s a painful scene made worse by your recoil when Namjoon attempts an approach.

As Taehyung finally lets you go there’s a moment of hope when you claim your bag from the floor. But you then make a break for the balcony and out on to one of the tree limbs.

You sit perched on the branches, as far away from the house as physically possible. Taehyung makes a small gesture to Jimin, indicating that he should be the one to follow you into the tree, but as his wings open, Namjoon pushes him back.

“She obviously wants a bit of distance. Can we at least give her that for now.”

Jimin looks back to Taehyung who gives in with a nod.

Namjoon’s gain is short lived though, his mouth turns dry as you pull out the bouquet of feathers. Plucking each quill from the assortment one by one, you release them into the air, and watch as they float down to meet the snow covered ground. It’s difficult to say if it’s a method to taunt, or a way of showing you simply don’t care, but regardless of motive it still stings Namjoon’s pride to see his love disposed of in such a way.

Even after all their gifts have been discarded, you continue to rest there in indifference, not acknowledging a single appeal from any of them. It’s obvious you need space, but they can’t all wait forever. Taehyung starts to send a few of them away to keep watch over the forest. They need to survey the village's discovery of your disappearance. Making sure the residents come to the conclusion that you broke the agreement by leaving of your own accord. If there are any questionable thoughts regarding your absence the flock needs to know.

Taehyung may be maintaining the facade of a victor, but it’s easy for Namjoon to see the cracks forming within. He watches as Taehyung becomes agitated, his wings twitching as the minutes continue to pass. Handling rebellion is one thing, but he doesn’t appear to do well with detachment. “I need to leave you in Namjoon’s care for a short while Little Dove, but I’ll return soon.”

“I wish you wouldn’t.” You chime back.

A smirk crawls into Taehyung's face, your retort proving he still holds power over you.

Namjoon can’t believe what he’s hearing, how dare he choose to retreat now. “You can’t just leave her there Taehyung. You did this to her, you need to fix it.”

Taehyung leans into Namjoon, meeting his eyes with confidence. “Why do you think I’m leaving? Right now she sees me as her biggest threat. If I step away she might let her guard down. I need you to talk to her and be an advocate on my behalf. ”

“What makes you think I’ll agree to that?” The anger within Namjoon continues to rise, his feathers ruffling out behind him.

“If you don’t, I’ll make sure you never get to see her again. If you choose to work alone Namjoon, that’s where you’ll end up.” Taehyung whispers his final orders before taking to the sky, “I don’t expect her to fully accept me just yet, but at least convince her that she’ll be safe with us within the nest.” He’s obviously worried you might attempt something foolish out here, and for once Namjoon agrees with him.

The wind starts to build bringing with it more chilling air and a few flakes of snow. Without the others to support him he grows nervous over ensuring your safety.

“You should go inside Little Dove.”

“No.”

“It’s getting too cold for you out here.”

“I don’t care.”

“Very well.” Space be damned, if you are determined to put yourself at risk he will have to move in closer. Namjoon finally takes the leap and joins you on your branch, settling down a couple feet away from you.

“Wh-what are you doing?” You shift further out on the branch despite the fact that it now bows from your weight.

“Since you won’t go inside I’m staying out here until you do.”

“I don’t want your concern, or your pity.”

“I’m trying to keep you safe.” Namjoon’s frustration starts to show, this is not how he wanted your first conversation to go, but he has only himself and Taehyung to thank for that. “What would you have us do? Truly, I would like to know your answer. What would be the best scenario for you?”

“Let me go.”

“You would be running off to your own death. Human rebellion is not seen kindly by other hybrids. Out there you’re a threat to be conquered or disposed of.”

“Is that what happened to the others? The ones who left?”

“Yes. We didn’t bother trying to keep them, we had no use for them. We approached and warned them before they left but each one choose to take the path that would soon result in their demise. We have no plans to make the same mistake with you.”

“You don’t think I’m strong enough to survive on my own?”

He has to make his point. Keeping you safe at any cost. He inches closer, his wings unfurl before swoops down upon you, capturing you in his arms tucking your back against his chest.

“What the- Get off me!”

You struggle in his arms but he holds fast, it’s hardly a stretch of his abilities to keep you locked in his grip. He pulls you back further from the edge not wanting the bough to break while you clash with him. “If you can get me to let go you can have your freedom. But I am trying to show that we surpass you greatly.”

Launching your free hand at the nearest wing, you grab a fist full of feathers, threatening to pull them from their place. For a brief moment you hold a glimmer of hope in your eyes. You must think you have the upper-hand, but there’s no pain that Namjoon wouldn’t endure on your behalf. “Go ahead, take them. They’re yours.”

You release his quills in an instant. Though he would have preferred if you had gone through with your threat. Favouring your anger over your fear.

“They’ll always be yours,” He whispers lowering his head to your shoulder as you grow limp in his clutches. Your breathing deeps to a sob.

Knowing he’s proved his point, he’s careful to ensure that you are steady on the large branch before finally releasing you. Your tearful eyes gazing down to the ground below.

“Even we hybrids would struggle if we went our separate ways. Those who fly solo are extremely vulnerable. We may have disputes on a variety of aspects, but we’ve all agreed to stay together for our own survival.”

“You should have just left me in the forest then...” You wipe the back of your arm across your eyes, not letting a single tear fall down to the feathers below.

“You would have preferred the village over the beast?”

“How did you- the book,” Your sight flickers back to the house which contains your possessions. “You have my book don’t you?”

“I thought you would’ve preferred to escape the village just like the girl in the story... even if you must reside with the beast.”

“Her life was a fairy tale compared to mine, her village far more tolerable and the beast far less terrifying. That,” You point out to the open fields across from the forest, “That was my beast to tame. My prince, my happy end was true freedom.” Your cherishing gaze shifts to a glare as it returns to Namjoon, “You think yourself the beast? No, you and your brothers take a far worse role in the story. You resemble the god that forced the trials and sadness of life upon her, the one who put her in the village to begin with.”

Namjoon can’t help but feel struck down by your real feelings towards the book. “I’m sorry I misunderstood, but we can't change the situation. Trust me when I say that beast is far worse than the ones you’ll find here. This is the only freedom you can have.”

“Then I choose to spend it out here in the cold.”

Namjoon watches as you curl your head into your arms taking a crouched position to hide from both him and the falling snow. He folds out his wing above you, careful not to touch you again, but instead providing shelter from the elements.

You remain silent as he watches over. Not meeting his eyes though he focuses on yours. Jealousy overwhelms him with regards to the way you covet the sky, wishing more than anything you would look at him with the same desire. On top of the battle over your safety, Taehyung has done so much damage by lying to gain your trust. Namjoon tries to reason that he would have told you the truth, he wouldn’t have hidden his true role. But having you beside him now, he knows that he too would do anything to keep you safe and in their arms. Even if you struggle against their hold, it’s better this way, you’ll see. He plans to do everything within his power to help you accept this new life.

You sit there together for another hour before your gaze starts to falter, closing your eyes to the world around you. Namjoon takes your arm worried that you might lose your balance in your half asleep state.

“Let go of me, I want to stay out here.” You murmur.

“If you do you’ll fall-”

“Then let me fall,” You plead. His chest tightens as you open your eyes with tears again, “Please Namjoon just let me fall.”

“I promise I can make this better, give me a chance. Let me at least try to undo some of the damage we’ve done.” This fear is temporary, your anger won’t last forever, but that fate is permanent. One he would never let you choose.

Namjoon has no choice but to take you back inside the house. He wraps your arms around his neck and lifts you against his chest. With little strength to fight him, you resort to conveying your fears.

“I don’t want to see him. I can’t stay here with him.”

“Then I’ll keep him away. You don’t have to do anything you don’t want to.”

“Why should I believe you...”

You start to twist and turn in his arms when the bed comes into view. Pushing away as he sets you down on the mattress. Namjoon can read the panic in your face, but there’s nothing to be afraid of. You’ll be safe in here, the skylight window is well beyond your reach leaving only one exit, the door which he locks behind him.

It only takes a few seconds for you to start pounding on the door. “No! Namjoon let me out! Get me out of here!”

He sits down in front of the door not leaving your side for a second. “This is the only refuge I can give you right now. If you don’t want to see him it’s the only work around.”

“Namjoon!” Your pleas become increasingly hard for him to resist. There’s a long pause before you make an offer, one he thought would never come from your lips. “You can take me away, you can give me what Taehyung promised. It would just be us, isn’t that what you want?” You are his Little Dove, learning to tempt with a new song. “All you have to do is let me out!”

It’s his greatest trial not to reach for the lock, but he’s soon released from your pull, when he spots two sets of black wings on the horizon. Yoongi and Taehyung have returned from their surveillance, thereby shackling you in place.

Yoongi lands first with news of the villagers. “Their search party found her footprints in the snow. They could see that she stepped over the threshold and into our territory.”

“No recourse then?” Namjoon asks with optimism. Minimizing the damage will be key, it’s doubtful you’ll take kindly to any acts against the village.

“No,” Taehyung adds, “They’re too afraid after seeing that she only made it a couple feet before her tracks disappeared.” He then sets his sights on the bedroom door behind Namjoon, “Is she asleep?”

Namjoon nods hoping the lie will grant you some peace. Taehyung reaches for the handle, Namjoon’s ready to stop him, but Yoongi manages it first with a few words. “You should let her get some rest.”

The new leader appears to take the thought into consideration. He pulls back his hand and steps away, though his gait is riddled with signs of impatience. It’s doubtful that he’ll leave you alone for long, prompting Namjoon to further guilt him into letting you be.

“You shouldn’t go in there, the only reason she came in was with the promise that you would leave her alone.”

Taehyung pauses his step, a growl builds within his throat and he bares his teeth towards Namjoon, “I told you to advocate for me. Not make promises that prevent me from seeing her.”

Namjoon rises mirroring his stance and anger, “You’ve broken her, do you realize that? She is so lost that she wanted to fall from this tree. She actually considers that as a way to escape. This is your fault.”

“No, I saved her from that forest, from our enemies,” Taehyung counters.

“At what fucking cost? Your lies had too steep a price. She doesn’t trust any of us when she might have if she had been told the truth from the beginning.”

“So she could turn us away at the edge of the forest? No, we can deal with this. We can show her what the world has become for humans. Let her see that we really are the lesser of many evils.”

“If you want to gain her trust, you’re going about it backwards,” Namjoon explains. “We have to acknowledge the original sin, and what came about because of it.”

Taehyung looks ready to throw him from this tree, instead he pushes Namjoon back against the door which he guards. “Don’t imply that you know her better. I’ve spent longer than you at her side, I know what sins she is capable of bearing.” His mouth twists into a sinister smile, “While we were gone, did she ask you to take her away? Did she express an interest in flying away with you?” Namjoon looks down at the floor not knowing how to respond. One of Taehyung’s hands reaches up to clutch his jaw, his talon like fingers digging in and forcing Namjoon to meet his eyes. “She did, didn’t she?”

Before he can come to a response Taehyung’s attention is ripped away with the sudden entrance of another. Jungkook bursts through the open door still in flight, creating a wave of destruction, marked by broken furniture, as he makes an attempt to land.

Taehyung drops his hold on Namjoon demanding an explanation for the sudden disruption.“What the fuck Jungkook! Why couldn’t you just-”

“Seokjin and Hoseok...” Jungkook interrupts taking deep dragging breaths. Despite the cold beads of sweat can be found dripping down his face and neck. “They’ve caught an intruder... a pack member.”

Shit. The wolf-hybrids that have been toying with the boundary line. Namjoon cuts in with his own questions too impatient to wait for Taehyung to take the lead. “Did you see any others? Do we know how many we might be dealing with?”

“They’re trying to get that information from him now.”

With his back now blocking out Namjoon, Taehyung steps in to assign his orders. It’s obvious he feels threatened, he’s picked a hell of a day to take leadership of the flock. “Jungkook, you’ll take me to where they’re holding him. Yoongi go find Jimin, we can’t have him alone out there. And you...” Taehyung turns round to meet Namjoon again as the others ready to leave. “We’ll finish our discussion later. I’ll give her rest of today to herself, you should know though, I plan to see my Little Dove tomorrow.” The smile is back on Taehyung’s lips, as if his point has been proven. He had gotten you out just in time. And even if Namjoon was tempted by your offer to leave the wolves have now added to the barrier blocking that escape.

As his brothers take flight again, he knows his thoughts should be out there with them and the looming threat, but his immediate concerns fall back to you. Taehyung knew you would try and lure him. It’s understandable that you would want to escape by any means necessary, temptation can be a powerful tool. You’re afraid, clinging to and using whatever might help keep you aloft. Nevertheless he can’t allow this to continue, for your safety and his.

Free to step away from the door he sets his sights on a thin book which graces his shelf. The only salvation he can give now is something Taehyung did not, the truth, as a story that he too treasured in his youth.

He slips the small doctrine through the gap under the door. It holds the teachings of how and why his race gained power, all while condemning yours to the forest. Inside you’ll find a written account of the revolution that was sparked by the love between a hybrid, and his human.

Namjoon whispers to you on the other side, hoping that you’ll listen, “I know this isn’t what you wanted, but I need you to understand, I’ll do whatever it takes...”

...

The Beastly Tales will continue in the prequel: Conquering Fear

#taehyung x reader #namjoon x reader #yandere bts #bts hybrid au #kim namjoon #kim taehyung #namjoon/reader #taehyung/reader #rm x reader #v x reader #bts fanfic #bts fanfiction #bts reader insert #bts hybrid #bts thriller au #bts beastly gods

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deathduty · 3 years

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Know Your Onions || Deirdre & Orion

PARTIES: @3starsquinn & @deathduty (and Nic’s ghost) TIMING: Current (?) LOCATION: Rio’s house CONTENT: Deirdre calls Rio ugly a lot SUMMARY: Rio meets his landlord, Deirdre misses Nic’s muscles

The house Deirdre had gotten for Nic sat deep in the back of her mind. She thought of it rarely, and only remembered when passing the neighborhood that it existed at all. With time to spare, and Nic and Skylar seemingly gone, it seemed right to ready the house for sale. Or, at least, to use as a second location to store her bones. She’d figure it out. Using her copy of the key, she entered slowly, eyeing a place she’d never really seen. She found it odd that the furniture hadn’t really been taken, or the bits and bobbles of decoration. For what it looked like, it was as if someone was still living here. Deirdre sighed, throwing herself on the couch and kicking her feet up. She could put a skull there, by the window, and a bigger skeleton could hang over there. But did she really need another house in the same town? It was so far out of her usual way that it hardly made sense. Then again, the windows were large, and she wondered what it might be like to push someone out of them. As Deirdre pondered these questions of great importance, a scrawny boy entered her vision. He appeared sad, and pathetic in that way young humans were. Most of all, though, she didn’t recognize him. Deirdre sat up. “If you’re here to rob the place, child. I’m the most valuable thing here and...if we’re being honest, I think a strong enough breeze would send you into the next city.” Deirdre eyed the boy, and then the window, and then the boy again. He would do nicely.

Orion hadn’t been in the best state mentally since Skye had left. He had found himself alone in another house with too many memories and too much space for Rio alone. But still, it beat moving back into the empty shell of a home that his dead parents had left behind. Besides, how could he beat the opportunity to stay in a house that had apparently already been paid for in full? He didn’t understand much about adulthood, moving out of his parent’s house only to move in with a guy that wouldn’t even consider charging Rio rent. Here, things weren’t much different. There was no rent to pay, just utilities or whatever. He had been left with instructions on how to make the payments, and as far as he was aware he hadn’t been evicted yet. But he had been crying. A lot of crying. Enough crying that very morning even that his senses never picked up on the front door opening. He was lying on the floor next to his bed, slowly coming down from an episode when he finally heard the movement downstairs. He froze, focusing his senses out to try to confirm the source of the noise. But the more he listened, the more he was convinced that there was somebody downstairs right now. He rose slowly, his head peaking out from behind the bed as he glanced over at the open bedroom door. He half expected someone, or something to be standing there waiting for him. Luckily that hadn’t been the case. Rio rose slowly, taking light steps, just as his hunter mentor had been teaching him, out into the hallway and down the stairs. He slowly crept towards the source of the noise, finally turning a corner into the living room and taking in the view of a woman casually spread out across his couch. He wiped at his eyes quickly, trying uselessly to hide the evidence of red eyes and tear streaks. “What? No. I’m not here to rob the place. I’m here to live the place.” Rio paused, clearly flustered and trying to speak normally, “No. Wait. I mean I live the place. Er- I live here. This is my place!” Rio finally clarified a bit too passionately. He chose not to comment on her second statement. He knew exactly how he looked. “Uh… who are you?”

The more Deirdre looked at the boy, the more sad he seemed. He looked like he either had been crying, or had one of those faces that made him look like he was always one mean comment away from bursting into tears. As he spoke, her eyes narrowed. The only people who lived here were Skylar and Nic. The child clearly wasn’t Skylar and…. Deirdre rose from the couch with a gasp, hands clasped over her mouth. Poor Nic. Tears welled in her eyes. Somehow, he had been turned into a sad, pathetic, muscle-less little boy. Like someone had zapped all of his hotness away. If that had been her, well, she would’ve been crying too. And she was, now, for the loss of Nic’s muscles. Truthfully, she couldn’t remember what Nic looked like aside from his biceps, which were the only place she looked. He was barely recognizable now, in this cursed state. “I’m so sorry you’re so ugly,” she drew closer to him, clutching her chest. “It’s me, Deirdre. Your landlord. Oh, I know it must be hard to remember me, when we met you were much more….” She gestured in the air, miming his muscles. “I’m so sorry.” She drew the child-Nic into a hug. “I’m going to help you get through this, okay? No one should ever have to look like you do.” She drew back, “have you eaten anything today? You’re going to need lots of protein, okay? It’ll help.”

The woman was staring at Orion. An intense but vacant stare that made Rio convinced that she was clearly thinking through something in her head. Rio wasn’t sure what to expect from the woman. Was she there to kill him? Rio really wasn’t prepared to fight for his life. Or particularly motivated too either. But instead, the woman jumped from his couch and shot over to him with… were those tears in her eyes? Rio wasn’t just confused now, he was a bit worried. But any sense of sorrow he felt the woman quickly vanished when she spoke again. Suddenly, there was a lot less fear and most a healthy mix of confusion and confusion. His face dropped into a flatline, all emotion wiped from his face as he processed what the woman was saying to him. “I’m sorry I- don’t think we’ve ever met before.” Rio tried, trying to maintain pleasantries despite being absolutely sure that he had never met this woman before. “Get through what?” Rio questioned, his body immediately tensing at the hug that Deirdre had pulled him into. Who the heck was this woman? “I- uh. Of course I’ve eaten today. I’m really not as skinny as everyone says you know? Have you been talking to the Doctor? She always sends me protein shake recipes.”

“Oh you’re in denial…” Deirdre tutted, letting the child go. “You should listen to your doctor, she’s right about the protein shakes. But you need to lift weights too, or else there’s no real point to the protein.” Perhaps it was some solemn acceptance that Nic had been reduced to this form. He must have come to terms with the fact that he was more noodle than man--with a face like a distressed baby. Nic always was a man of inner strength, as she could tell, which she really couldn’t given how distracting his outer strength was. But to be turned into a child? The mere thought made her shiver. “It’s okay if you don’t remember me,” she smiled, “your brain must be blocking everything out. How long have you been living like this?”

“I am not in denial.” Orion doubled down, crossing his arms like a pouting child and narrowing his eyes in her direction. “But the protein shakes were good. And I do lift weights sometimes!” Why was this woman so convinced that they knew each other? More importantly, why was she so obsessed with his accused frailness? He resisted the urge to try to point that he had gained a lot of muscle since training with Adam and Kaden. But that muscle went mostly unnoticed due to the baggy clothes he always wore. Besides, she didn’t seem entirely interested in his argument anyways. “Okay, that’s a lie. But I do exercise!” She wouldn’t stop looking at him with this face of mourning. As if Rio, or whoever she was convinced that Rio was, had died or something. He wasn’t a fan of the look at all. “It’s not that I don’t remember you. I’m pretty sure that we’ve never met! I didn’t know there was a landlord. I just paid Skye my cut of the utilities.” The last question baffled him a bit, and he paused and looked towards the ceiling as he considered his answer. “Uh- I’m 21. So 21 years?”

Deirdre’s frown grew deeper; how sad was it that Nic had to lie about lifting weights? He must’ve been demoralized after seeing the sorry state of his muscles. If he hadn’t blocked that from his memory at all. “You made Skylar handle your finances?” A look of disgust passed over her features--Skylar was also a child, and Nic was an adult. An adult of...21 years of age? Her face scrunched together in confusion. Nic was older, but even being transformed into a child would still mean he was just as old as he was before. Surely he was older than 21, wasn’t he? Deirdre crossed her arms over her chest, grumbling to herself as her mind tried to figure it out. It was true that she had a hard time telling the age of humans. This child here looked about 12, and Nic appeared adult-aged, whatever that meant. Maybe he truly was only 21? But she knew a handful of 21 year-olds and none looked like Nic. Was this Nic? No, of course it was. Who else would be living here? She’d only ever heard of Nic and Skylar. “You’ve been sad for 21 years?” She asked the boy, sighing, “you look like an abandoned puppy who was taken in and then abandoned again. And you’ve been that way for 21 years, child?” She paused, “are you sad because you have no muscles?”

“What? No. That sounds mean.” Orion defended immediately, but started to wonder if he had been putting too much stress on Skye. He had never known much responsibility financially when he lived with his parents. And in Ricky’s house he was lucky to get the man to accept money for groceries. “I mean, Skylar had everything under control when I moved in. Probably after Nic left.” Rio spoke absentmindedly, now trying to convince himself more than this woman who claimed to be his landlord. Rio actually chuckled at Deirdre’s question. You’ve been sad for 21 years? Clearly they had never met before, despite her believing otherwise. “Um. Yeah, just about. Give or take a couple.” Maybe the first few before he had any memories. “Thanks?” Rio didn’t actually take her surprisingly relatable comparison as a compliment, but when faced by someone as blunt as this woman seemed to be Rio didn’t actually know how to respond to what she was saying. “I’ve been sad about a lot of things but muscles hasn’t really-” Rio began explaining before he realized that diving into his childhood trauma was not productive to this conversation at all. He shook his head and scratched at the back of his neck, “Actually I don’t know what this has to do with anything? I always assumed that Nic owned the house. So uh… who are you? Besides Deirdre the landlord. Like- how did they end up living in your house?”

“Nic….left…?” Deirdre eyed the boy, suspicious. If this was Nic, it seemed strange that he would have a recollection of Nic, yet no awareness that he was the very man he spoke of. “....what is your name, skinny child?” Possibly, though Deirdre would admit it was an honest mistake, this kid wasn’t Nic. But again, possibly he was. It was hard to tell with White Crest. Gone were the simple days of raining fish, now there were curses and ghosts and skinny boys. If Nic had been turned into a sad child, who else would notice it but her? At any rate, she wouldn’t be able to tell unless someone could verify that this child had truly lived for 21 years and wasn’t actually from the swamp, or wherever Nic said he was from. “Yes, well I bought him the house because he saved someone’s life, and I felt he deserved a reward, as humans often do. You give a dog a treat and a human a house. I didn’t think much of it, but it was nice being a landlord. For one thing, lord is in the title–as it ought. And for another, it’s nice to have a buff man give you money every month. Although we never saw each other, it was nice to know that behind the money drops was a buff man. You know…” Deirdre snapped, “maybe that’s the answer to your sadness. If we got a buff man in here to do all your chores, you’d feel much better. It works for me.” Or would his muscles remind the boy all of what he was missing out on?

“Uh yeah? Like, quite a while ago. Were you not aware that Nic left?” Orion was so confused. There was nothing about this woman or scenario that had not completely baffled him since the moment he heard her in his home. Or her home he supposed. “Orion. Well, most people call me Rio. Either one, really.” Rio answered on instinct, only later realizing what she had called him, “Hey! I’m… slightly less skinny than I used to be.” In his head, that had been a much better defense than it sounded out loud. So this woman was clearly incredibly wealthy, buying houses for men on a whim and- Did she just say humans? Rio’s face settled into a curious squint, studying the woman. Was she just completely lunatic or supernatural? Rio shrugged to himself as he considered the possibility that she might be both. “Right. Right. Well that was uh, super nice of you. To buy Nic a house and all.” Most importantly, he wondered how Nic had ended up in a situation where a supernatural woman bought a hunter a ginormous house for saving some random person’s life. It was altruistic sure, Rio felt bad admitting to himself that he didn’t think altruism seemed like this woman’s strongest attribute. She had barely known him for five minutes and had spent four and a half of them insulting him. “All great points that I never considered. Nic did have very buff arms. Not that I ever really noticed them. I mean I noticed them because like, they were right there and I have eyes. But I never like, noticed them noticed them, y’know? I mean he was basically my dad. He wasn’t my dad for record. I just kinda wished he had been my dad.” Oh god that was a train wreck. Rio needed to find a way to recover from that volcano of embarrassment, “My real dad’s dead.” He sighed, squeezing his eyes shut and wishing he could disappear into a void. Nailed it. “I uh- you have buff men do all your chores? That’s kinda cool.”

"No, I knew he left, I just didn't know he had...other children in his house." Maybe Deirdre didn't have any room to judge the man, she did have her own influx of young people at her house. Maybe this child really wasn't Nic then? She'd have to ask Morgan about it. "Sorry, you'll have to speak up--" Lost in her thoughts, she missed what he'd said and found herself leaning in to hear better. "Your name is Onion?" She leaned back, frowning. No wonder why he was said, his name was Onion. He was skinny and named after a vegetable. "No," she waved her hand in the air, "don't call me nice. I don't like that word being used for me." And then, as though the child wasn't sad enough, he continued to speak. So he was sad because he was skinny, named after a vegetable and had a dead father. Perhaps it was that last thing that was most important. Deirdre shifted her weight. "Onion child," she proclaimed, "you are sad because your father is dead and Nic, who was like your father, is now gone, yes? Would you be less sad if I was your father? I could wear a fake mustache. Just remember that tears stain the hardwood, and I'd like this house to maintain its value." And perhaps she ought to be kinder to him? Deirdre clapped her hand on his skinny, skinny, shoulder. "Buff men don't do my chores anymore--you could say I've become the buff man in my own life--but I do employ a few to make deliveries for me." Bind was the more accurate word, but she felt that employ would do. "I will get you a buff man to do some housework. You may call him 'daddy' like the youth seem so inclined to. And you can forward your payments through Venmo, if that's easier, Onion. How does that sound?"

“I’m actually 21.” Orion mentioned in passing after Deirdre called him a child, but it seemed she mostly glossed over it as she continued talking. Rio just nodded to himself solemnly and continued listening. This experience was repeated when he tried to correct her when she called him onion. “Oh. Uh- sorry for calling you nice?” That was an odd thing to be dismissive about, but to each their own. This was probably the strangest he had ever had with another human being. Or, he supposed that based on what she had said earlier Dierdre may not be human at all. She called him onion and a child again and Rio only had the capacity to once again briefly chime in and correct, “Orion.” It was once again ignored. “Uh. Yeah, I mean I guess I’m pretty sad about Nic leaving” Rio had no interest in touching on the topic of his dead father. He wasn’t sure talking with a stranger about his lack of remorse over his dad dying would make her feel great about potentially letting him stay in this house she had not so nicely bought. “But it’s really okay and-” He cut himself off. Did she just offer to wear a fake mustache and be his new dad? The suggestion was so outrageously wild that Rio genuinely didn’t know whether to laugh or be very, very worried. He coughed slightly to avoid a nervous laugh and rubbed at the back of his neck. “Oh uh. That’s not necessary. But yeah. No damages, for sure.” Was she actually going to let him stay here? He winced at her hand on his shoulder but didn’t react any further, choosing instead to listen to her compare herself to her former buff men, “That’s uh… deep.” But as confused as he wanted to be, he was mostly surprised to hear that the woman actually planned on letting him stay. “Oh a buff man really isn’t necessary. Especially the daddy part. But seriously? You’re letting me stay? That’s amazing, oh my god. I’m really inclined to call you nice right now, but I’m going to resist.” Rio didn't, however, resist jumping up and down in excitement. He had his own qualms about staying along in this large house, but he definitely hated the idea of having to move his stuff again anymore. “Also uh- it’s Orion.”

There was something peculiar about Onion. Well, most things, it seemed, were peculiar about him. But he seemed, in addition to being scrawny, sad and pathetic, to also want to insist that his name was Orion instead. Deirdre refused. She had been wrong once (debatably; she still needed to ask Morgan about this) and that was already too many times for her to be wrong in a day. Whether the kid liked it or not, he was Onion. Deirdre shifted her weight and quirked a brow up at the boy, “why wouldn’t I let you stay? No, don’t answer that. You’re sure to have some sad response like…’everyone kicks me out because I weep uncontrollably in the night’.” Deirdre looked around. The house she purchased was never meant to be any one’s home. Strange as it was, Nic struck her as the type that couldn’t settle in one place. And Skylar…. Deirdre shook her head. It was this sad child’s home now, and Deirdre had no intentions of taking it away. “Onion,” she began, “I suspect I must’ve been a bad landlord to Nic and Skylar.” She has been a normal one, truly, having never attended to any of their housely needs. “But I want you to know that that changes now. If you need anything–a father, protein, more tissues for your tears–you may contact me. And my offer to be your father remains. No child should be sad or ugly, and least of all not both.” In her head, her words felt like a grand speech of emotional proportions. She was sure Onion would think of this later and cry. “And with that, I believe I should leave you alone to cry…?”

It was quickly dawning on Orion that talking to his new landlord wasn’t so much possible as talking at her while she spoke over him. It wasn’t exactly a huge issue aside from her insistence that his name was onion and her repeated mentions of what a sad boy he was. Despite this, he figured he could look past all of that if it meant that he had a place to live. He almost chimed in with potential reasons why she wouldn’t let him stay at the house until she kept him off, filling in the gaps for him with mentions of stories and crying. “I wouldn’t call it uncontrollable…” Rio rattled off absentmindedly, more to convince himself than his landlord since clearly she wasn’t listening to much of what Rio was saying. “Right. Um well, I really appreciate this. I will be sure to reach out if I need anything, but really I think you’ll find me to be a very quiet tenant. Just paying what I owe and probably not any of those other mentioned things. Especially the dad thing.” Because the dad thing was definitely weird, even by Rio’s messed up standards. She managed to get one more double insult off and Rio just nodded his head solemnly, resigned to his own fate. Was this how every reaction with the woman going to go? “Won’t be crying, but will be enjoying having a house to live in!” Rio gave the girl a thumbs up and a smile, “It was… nice to meet you?” It came out as more of a question than anything else, mostly because he hadn’t convinced himself it was true before saying it.

“Yes it was nice to meet me…” Deirdre trailed off, nose high to the ceiling and, with what she imagined to be great humility, lowered her head slowly to meet the child’s gaze. “And, I suppose, not so terrible to meet you, sad child.” She had a feeling he wasn’t the sort to bother others with his problems, and she imagined she really wouldn’t be hearing much from him. At the idea, a peculiar stab of something (an emotion quite like that of dropping ice cream on the ground) struck her slow-beating heart. She shook her head, and moved to the door. Whatever the child would do, wherever he would go, he was nothing but a speck on the earth and a drop in time’s fast-flowing river. But to her, he was her tenant. And she, his landlord. And perhaps business bred fondness, or perhaps she truly was more sentimental than she imagined, but she considered for a moment that he ought to have his little water drop of a life feel special. And this house, a home. “Orion,” she corrected, her hand pressed to the door frame as she turned her head only half towards him, watching from the corner of her eye. “Don’t live a life you’ll regret.” She turned her head back. “And stop being so ugly.” And with that, she shut the door behind her.

#wickedswriting #know your onions #c: orion #chatzy #// this was very fun all the shouts out to cody #cody is-as the kids say-the best #also i guess deirdre shames rio for being a twink ?

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wxldchxld · 3 years

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🍎 : how stable is my muse’s mental health? have they been diagnosed with any mental illnesses and / or conditions? do they have any undiagnosed mental illnesses and / or conditions? do they or should they attend therapy?

🍇 : how would my muse describe their childhood? how much has it impacted the person they are now, or will become as an adult? around what age did they or will they start to mature, and why? do they wish to go back to their days as a child, or have they embraced adulthood?

🍌 : is my muse inclined to help others, or will they only do it when it benefits them, if at all? what makes them this way? has it ever gotten them into trouble, or inconvenienced them?

🍓 : how is my muse typically seen by others? does it ring true to who they really are? does their reputation matter to them?

🥝 : does my muse have any ‘ unusual ’ habits, interests, and / or talents? do they hide it, or are they proud of it?

🍋 : what kind of diet does my muse have? do they eat regularly, or the standard 2-3 meals a day? do they have to be reminded to eat, or are they likely to remind others? do they cook, or have others cook for them? do they eat healthily, or not so much?

Harper is pretty neurotypical. She does have some childhood trauma relating to her father leaving and her relationship with her mother. Her mom was an active service member and this led to a lot of instability in her childhood.

See Harper's mom and her grandmother weren't on great speaking terms. Her mother never told her father about the pregnancy, and that caused a rift between them before Harper was even born. Her mother also struggled with alcoholism when Harper was younger and while Harper was never abused, her mom did make some very poor decisions and her grandmother wasn't always sympathetic, usually blaming her mom for her bad choices with money, and then getting even angrier when her mom wouldn't accept help even as they were on the verge of financial collapse. This lead to her grandmother calling DHR and some very messy fights that Harper heard.

Harper didn't walk away from her experiences with poverty and family drama unscathed. Her mom did eventually go to rehab, and her grandmother did eventually try to make amends with her before she passed.

This isn't even touching on Harper's attempt to reunite with her father and his rejection of her or her mother's rejection when she came out to her as a lesbian.

So Harper definitely needs therapy, but I don't have enough knowledge to put the name of a specific diagnosis on her other than childhood trauma.

I think she would describe it as pretty average. Not necessarily pleasant all the time, but she figures everyone walks away from their childhood with some kind of problem. She is ok with talking about it, but she isn't really ok with reflecting on it for what it is. Normally when she talks about it she's very detached and purposefully cold.

I think the question about maturity is---not great? Like I could say Harper had to grow up fast and learn to do things on her own because of all the alone time she had---but that's not maturing. Even as an adult, Harper doesn't have a lot of emotional intelligence.

Beck had a lot of alone time as a kid and she has her own issues with trauma, but I do feel like her years in the wild, having her freedom and her happiness, gave her a lot of time to reflect and to grow up emotionally and to kind of decide how she at least wants to try to act.

This is in pure contrast to Harper. Harper's alone time as a kid didn't do anything but cause her more pain. Harper may not love how her mother acts, but it is one of her only models of behavior. She gained the veneer of maturity that comes with learning to suppress your feelings and get your shit done, but she had very little emotional intelligence. This is why she often resorts to yelling and mean comments when she's angry or hurt. And the fact that she essentially learned to never cry and to combat her vulnerability with anger and it helped her get where she is now in life did not help that.

All that being said no. Harper would not like to go back to being a child. She might want to go back to being a teen. At the time she had Beck, her first love, and she also had actual friends that appreciated her and liked her for who she was. That's not something she really gets anymore. Idk if it'd be enough to make her want to go back tho.

🍌 : is my muse inclined to help others, or will they only do it when it benefits them, if at all? what makes them this way? has it ever gotten them into trouble, or inconvenienced them?

Harper is inclined to help when and if it gets her her way and given that the payoff is good enough. She's pretty self centered and apathetic to the general plight of humanity. In Marvel verses she lives in New York at the time of Loki and the most she'll ever say about the invasion was it was an irritating distraction that caused an inconvenient amount of damage to the roads.

She WILL help the people she cares about with no boundaries though. If someone she loves has a problem or a need she will attack it tirelessly and ruthlessly. If they're in danger there is no line she won't cross to protect them. But there are very, very, VERY few people Harper would do this for. And not to sound cliché but currently all of those people are ---- well it's actually just Beck lmao.

The reason she's like this could go back to her childhood and her experience losing her grandmother but I'm honestly not sure it's that deep? Harper is kind of selfish. She dislikes most people and distances herself from them in order to not feel guilty for her selfishness. It's not a great look, but that's the current state she's in for any verse you'll meet her in. Sure this does change in stories where she has time to grow, but never enough to make her a humanitarian.

Also no this doesn't really get her into trouble. She's pretty safe on top of the world.

🍓 : how is my muse typically seen by others? does it ring true to who they really are? does their reputation matter to them?

Most people see Harper as a shrewd business woman and or a downright bitch. I won't lie and say they're totally wrong, but there is a genuine person in there and her flaws are usually exaggerations of the things that are good about her mixed in with her trauma. So yes, they technically see who she really is, but they lack the context to understand her fully. And she both allows and encourages this misunderstanding because it's advantageous to her. It helps her maintain control in the business world but also in the magical one. She employs and is followed by a lot of incredibly dangerous supernatural beings. Literal thousands of vampires, witches, and werewolves do as she bids and submit to her lead in large part because they respect her power. So she kind of has to let people think she's a bitch, but honestly she kind of likes it too. She has taken the label with pride.

🥝 : does my muse have any ‘ unusual ’ habits, interests, and / or talents? do they hide it, or are they proud of it?

She's a necromancer so... Like that's pretty weird right? Specifically her research is focused on creating the perfect vampire in hopes of one day turning herself into a vampire without losing any of her magical abilities or having to be vulnerable to "silly" things like sunlight and garlic.

She also really really likes snakes and reptiles in general.

I think Harper genuinely tries to eat healthy. She doesn't have any like sensory issues with food and while she isn't immune to worrying about weight, also doesn't obsess over it. I mean she doesn't have to because she spends so much time and energy on working she probably couldn't gain a pound if she ate a literal weight. Magic can be very draining, and she very often gets so focused she doesn't eat for hours. Then she feels sick and doesn't want to eat anything and she sure as fuck isn't about to cook.

This was one of the great ways that she and Beck fit together. Beck loved to cook and would drop by the office or the lab with snacks (so long as she didn't have to get near anything dead or nasty) and she always made enough dinner for two even when Harper said she wouldn't be home in time. And Beck eats pretty healthy (usually) so it worked well.

She does have a cook who makes meals for her. She usually takes them for lunch and if she remembers to will take a break and eat. Harper certainly doesn't cook. She thinks it is tedious and all too often has burned something because she was trying to multitask and forgot and nearly set the penthouse on fire.

Her favorite is when she gets the chance to eat with someone else that she likes. She absolutely adores French food and has a go-to place for meet ups.

#bet you weren't expecting a goddamn book lmao #i'm sorry i'm just really excited to talk about harper #bokketo

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elizabethstriptohappiness · 5 years

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LEARN WHAT WORKS FOR YOU

I can not stress this enough, I didn’t eat, I purged, I binged, I counted, I didn’t count and more.

I’ve been through a lot when it comes to my weight. I started at 220+lbs and I got to my lowest weight of 152lbs, and I’m up to 168.8lbs.

During this time I have learned that fasting causes me to binge by about the 2nd to third meal after I fast, so I DO NOT FAST anymore. While others swear by it.

I tried not counting my calories because I kept seeing posts about it being unhealthy and that you’ll obsess and yes while that is true for others it isn’t for me but I tried. I gained nearly 20 lbs back because I told myself that I wasn’t eating sooo bad. So now I DO COUNT MY CALORIES. If not I trick myself into thinking I’m doing okay and the foods are healthier than I think.

Counting calories doesn’t make me obsessive as long as I have my caloric intake at a reasonable number. My current limit is at around 1600 calories, and surprisingly on most days I eat at about 1100 calories and I’m not killing myself for eating that much because

1) I know that I got no where near my amount allowed for the day and

2) I know that for me to loose around 2-3 pounds a week I need to eat less than 1909 calories a day which is the amount that my body burns in a day so 1600 is a great healthy number.

3) not as important but I know that 1200 is the caloric intake I need to maintain my hair growth and not have it fall out which happened when I previously lost weight so I should actually eat about 100 calories more than I have been.

Please find out what works for your body and what is healthy for your body. STAY SAFE.<3

#be safe #be healthy #take care of your body #take care of yourself #know your body

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auralixx · 5 years

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End Of The Year Tag (2018)

I saw @wildlyminiaturesandwich do this tag and because I’m a total sucker for these, I decided to do it (not to mention it’s a good way for me to reflect on this past year).

Putting under the cut, because I have a tendency of rambling a lot haha.

Favorite Food: Ramen & chipotle’s veggie burritos w/ guacamole

Favorite Drink: Iced coffee w/ milk & no sugar

Favorite Piece Of Clothing: I can’t pick one so I’m just going to say my flannel shirt, black leggings, beanie & black scarf

Favorite Product: can’t really think of one

Favorite Month: January

Favorite Season: Winter

Favorite Holiday: Hmm...probably Thanksgiving!

Favorite Place: That would be the Manhattan Waterfront Greenway. It’s not a single place per se, as it’s a 32 miles (51.5 km) long path that stretches all the way down the western waterfront of Manhattan. I walked the entirety of it back in May and I loved it so much!

Best Experience: Traveling to 5 new European countries this year!

Best Song: It changes all the time but currently that would be Irufushi by Super8 & Tab. If I haven’t made it obvious already, I love EDM and this mix gives me life every single time I listen to it. It speaks to my soul.

Best Movie: I didn’t really see many movies this year, but I really enjoyed ‘To All The Boys I’ve Loved Before’

Best Series: I’m 9 years late but that would be Vampire Diaries. I get to relive my vampire obsessed teenage years and I’m living for it.

Best Book: I’m ashamed to admit it but I didn’t finish a single book that I started reading this year. Tbh I am just one lazy a** motherf*cker LOL

Best Video game: It’s a tie between The Life is Strange Series and Fire Emblem: Awakening/ Fire Emblem: Birthright

Have you unlearned bad habits? I have! Whenever I was stressed, I had the awful habit of chewing/biting my nails. It’s now been 10 months since I last did it and I’m so proud of myself.

Biggest disappointment? Losing motivation in maintaining the healthy lifestyle I started to keep up earlier this year and then gaining back all the weight I managed to lose.

Worst experience? Oh, that definitely would be dating and then staying friends with an incredibly toxic person who not only came with a lot of emotional baggage/emotional trauma but also happened to be kinda? friends with my S.O. It was the worst decision I made this year and I am never doing it again. Thankfully, I’m not friends with them anymore and I’ve blocked their phone number since I last saw them. I know I sound awfully bitter about it, but honestly it’s not because of them. It’s because it took me nearly a year to I finally realize how unhealthy they were to my mental well-being. I really wanted to be supportive and understanding of them and their situation, but sometimes you just can’t. I do not deserve that kind of toxicity in my life.

Do you have new hobbies? None, unfortunately :(

Have you achieved the goals you wished for 2018? I managed to achieve some but not all. I didn’t finish paying off my student loan debt, I didn’t lose the weight I wanted to lose, I didn’t meet my reading goal, I didn’t get a new job, and I didn’t get in the habit of writing in my journal. However, I DID apply for university and got accepted, I stopped biting my nails, and I traveled to at least one new country. I didn’t achieve all of them, but a few is better than nothing!

Have you fulfilled a long-term wish? Sorta? I knew I wanted to go back to school after taking a year off way before I graduated in 2017. I’ve already registered for classes and I’m due to start at the end of January. It’s not for a master as I originally had planned but in a way I think it still counts. I’ll be pursuing a 2nd degree in Computer Science and I’m really excited about it!

Have you tried something new this year? Yes! I tried meditating. I only have tried it once, but it’s something I’d like to get more into in 2019.

What plans or wishes do you have for the next year? I’d like to try to achieve the goals I didn’t get to this year, and I’d also like to try implementing the Law of Attraction in to my life. I want to be more positive and more mindful of my surroundings. I am tired of all of the negative thoughts and feelings I’m constantly bombarded with. I just want to love my life and be happy without letting myself and other people’s expectations get to me and hold me back.

What was the funniest moment? Probably everything that happened during and then after the BBQ Party my boss threw this summer. I drank a bit too much and after everyone left home, I met up with my S.O. and for whatever reason I couldn’t stop giggling and I kept falling to the floor. Believe it or not, getting this drunk is a once in a year occurrence, but this year I thought was especially something. It was also quite funny waking up the next day and seeing the post I made over here and also noticing that somehow I managed to chip a big chunk of my toe nail and I still have no idea of how that happened lmao.

What are you thankful for? I’m thankful for my parents for their continued support of me, for my job and my awesome boss and co-workers, and for my S.O. for making me feel loved and cared for.

#non sims #text post #aury rambles

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bladesofyuri · 6 years

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My Excess Weight is Falling Off: How, Why, and What’s Different

This is a different kind of post for this blog, but I think it’s worth sharing.

If you’ve been following me for a few months, you may have seen a post I made asking for fitness/healthy lifestyle/accountability buddies. My weight is something that has always fluctuated and that I’ve always had a hard time with, even when I was dancing all the time and trying all sorts of “diets.” Over the past two years I found myself in a really dark place, and the weight started piling on for a number of reasons. No, I’m not telling you that as an excuse--it isn’t one. I simply wasn’t taking care of myself like I should’ve been. I was eating fairly well but not well enough, skipping meals I just felt too tired to eat (and sometimes, I’d go an entire day without one), and when I’d go to the gym, I wouldn’t do much more than the elliptical for an hour or a half hour plus some resistance training that really wasn’t challenging me. I knew I needed to work differently, but I had no motivation and my heart just wasn’t in it at all. The combination of graduate school and work was, to be frank, kicking my ass. On top of that, my social life had become nonexistent, I had no boyfriend, and didn’t really feel like I had anyone aside from two close friends who no longer even live in the same city to talk to.

I’d even for the first time in my life grown very uncomfortable at the gym, despite knowing beyond a shadow of a doubt from my own experiences on the other side that nobody cares about what you’re doing or is even paying attention to you there. Still, I felt like a big, bloated puff waddling around it in comparison to everyone else and more importantly, compared to how I used to feel in it: strong, confident, and calm.

Needless to say, I wasn’t exactly the epitome of health at the time.

There was something else too that’d been bothering me: more than anything, I wanted to get back into dance, despite having been out of it so long. I just needed that familiarity, that something, even if I wasn’t really in good enough shape in my mind to be doing it. One evening, I saw an advertisement, and I decided to try a class.

That in itself was a little jarring: I suppose in the 7 years I’d been out of dance, I’d forgotten how tiny dancers really were. I’d always been thicker for a dancer, at my fittest usually being mistaken for a cheerleader or gymnast. This was also the time when I was extremely involved with martial arts, which literally shredded my fat in those tougher spots right off. I’d gone from literal fighting shape with a six-pack to fat, and on my kind of build (which is average height and very curvy), even being a little chubby shows.

So here I was, in this dance class for a style I’d never tried before feeling very much like a potato among shorter, more toned versions of Victoria’s Secret models. It was a bit overwhelming to say the least, though it was fun.

That said, there were a ton of concerns going through my head. This class happened to be one where you’re partnered by men the whole time, and I began to wonder what effect my weight may have on them. There were no lifts at least--but moves that involved leaning, dips, etc. were common. Not to mention, I imagined my larger body must be much harder to lead.

So, I worked out a little more, still doing the same types of thing. Elliptical, treadmill, occasional resistance. I tried cutting carbs (more on that later), had a brief and desperate stint of limiting myself to one small meal a day (unhealthy and disastrous--I gained weight), and several other things that were so ineffective they aren’t worth mentioning. I thought that maybe despite my age my metabolism had already begun slowing down rapidly.

Not knowing what else to do, I decided to see a nutritionist.

We started meeting regularly, and she worked to figure out what exactly was going on. On paper, I wasn’t eating particularly badly: I had a few off days here and there, but combined with the amount of exercise I was getting daily (from walking back and forth to work and class, those 3-4x a week gym sessions, plus the new dance class additions), she had a little trouble deciphering what was wrong at first. I was particularly frustrated--I’d lost weight before, dropped my body fat percentage to a staggeringly low but still healthy amount for a female, and yet nothing I was doing now seemed to be working. My weight just fluctuated naturally as it always had. I had my resting metabolic rates checked, and some other tests run too.

Well, I thought when everything checked out to be within normal range, at least I was finally having some fun. I loved my dance classes and each made me feel quite a bit better on a daily basis even if I did still have those occasional nights when depression and anxiety really decided to kick in. Though the styles were different, I was doing something I loved again and meeting new people who were kind, informative, and encouraging, and that was more than I’d had in some time.

It still wasn’t enough for me, though. Not really. I’d dance around my apartment, listening to the kinds of music I used to dance to--hip-hop in particular. It always had been my strongest style, and I decided to try out the studio’s advanced class. I had, after all, done it for many years, and was still pretty confident I could move like I used to if my probably hilarious apartment dancing was any indication.

I took a class.

I realized they filmed everything.

And I watched those videos back. Sure, I still had it and had somehow managed not to lose much of my skill, even if I had been out of it for so long. No doubt this is thanks to the physical activity I’d maintained, even if it wasn’t up to par with what I’d done in my dance and martial arts days. Seeing that first video generated two thoughts in my mind:

1. I was still good. Very good.

2. I was still good, even keeping up with the pros in my class, but the person dancing in that video wasn’t me.

People have different opinions when it comes to being on camera. Some think it’s unhealthy to use it as a motivator, believing that it can develop an obsession. But I’m not that type, and in my mind, using videos to hold myself accountable is no less unhealthy than sitting on Tumblr feeling sorry for myself and eating myself into a blob, which is exactly what I felt I was. Nobody was “shaming” me. It wasn’t society or beauty standards or anything of the sort. I simply wasn’t happy with myself, and this video proved it.

I kicked it into high gear. As much as I may not often admit it I’m a highly competitive person. I see either someone who’s better than me at something and what to get to their level or surpass them, or I see myself and want to overcome that current self and transform it into something better. This, for better or worse, was exactly the blend of both I needed. I could dance like the people around me, and where I was a little rusty I knew I could get back, but I didn’t look as strong as them just because of my body.

I made small changes to my diet. I’ve always had a running joke about having the appetite of a lineman, and to this day that’s true. I like my food, and I like to eat. A lot. But I changed what I ate and when. I eat no breads or rice after lunch, instead loading up on lean meats and veggies. I don’t snack on things like yogurt at night anymore, either. Instead, I whip up some egg beaters (I highly recommend the southwestern flavor, by the way) and throw some lean, deli-cut turkey breast in with it. That’s my current go-to late-night snack. Other snacks are usually hard-boiled eggs or something along the lines of raw vegetables, fruits with a light dusting of Stevia over the top for those sweet tooth days, and carrot fries with a light ranch. I also make good use of frozen fruits that keep forever and that I can throw into a blender with some Greek yogurt. Breakfast is often something like a grilled chicken breast with eggs (my ultimate weaknesses is Chick-fil-A’s egg white grill when I need a speedy breakfast on the go), a poached egg with half an avocado and a slice of wheat toast, or something along those lines. I’ve also tried the toast + peanut butter + banana thing, though it was a bit sweet for my taste. Lunch is a bit broader: I enjoy salads but not enough to have them daily, and lunch admittedly tends to be my least healthy meal of the day. I had a cheeseburger today for example, which I do not recommend, but if you’re going to do something like that, just make sure you’re opting for a side salad or something similar instead of fries. My aim for lunch tends to be a light salad or a something like a burrito bowl with very little to no rice. I focus on lean meats and vegetables for both lunch and dinner, so depending on what I’ve prepped or am planning to make/have, I make the according adjustments to my lunch.

One thing I cut out completely--and a cut that pains me as it will my fellow Southerners--is sweet tea. I love sweet tea. I grew up on sweet tea and it’s quite literally the taste of home. This is something I had to ween myself off of over the course of a couple weeks on the days I ate out, ordering 1/2 sweet, 1/2 unsweet drinks. I’m happy to say I’ve already broken the habit, and it’s already become natural for me to order or make unsweet tea and either drink it as is or add just a pinch of natural sweetener in. Likewise, I cut back on sugary coffee drinks, though that wasn’t as difficult for me. I don’t mind the taste of black coffee, so that’s all well and good.

Once I did all of these things, I started noticing little things. Those leggings that had been too tight suddenly started to fit perfectly. My workout pants that I’d gone a size up on because of my chubbier areas started falling off--literally, to the point where I constantly have started having to pull them back up. My stomach and waist area--which is the one and only area I always have lost weight quickly in--has already gone from being jiggly to flat. My lovely (yes, this is sarcasm) Viking arms I inherited from my dad and my thick cyclist legs I inherited from my mom are already slimming down and toning. I started bodyweight circut classes and free weights again, though I definitely still enjoy my resistance days. It turns out I don’t need any additional cardio now that I’m dancing again, and I really only do short stints of it for stamina purposes.

And suddenly, it’s all been put into perspective.

My biggest block was settling for not enough.

I was eating in a more healthy way than the average person, but it wasn’t enough. I was working out regularly, but not in a way that was enough. I had no real routine or regulation for what I was eating beyond just staying under a certain calorie count, and not a good enough routine in the gym.

I’m not saying don’t go get on that elliptical or treadmill if that’s something that makes you feel good and helps you. Everybody’s different. Some people really can drop weight as long as they’re up and moving, and it really doesn’t matter what they do during that time. Others, like myself, need more specific exercise, and from experience I know mine is a combination of dance or martial arts and weights/bodyweight. Running does nothing. Ellipticals do nothing. Cycling does nothing. I have to do weights, and I have to have workouts that engage my entire body.

I’m happy to say within the past month of really hitting it this hard, not only have I lost weight, but I’m nearly down a size in everything (the latter of which is more over the course of two months). It really was just making the right changes and remembering what works for me, along with figuring out the new things that work for me since I obviously no longer live under my parents’ roof like I’d done the first time I’d really gotten fit. I had to figure out a way to cook for myself and make the right decisions when I do get fast food. I had to really start putting in the right work at the gym.

And you know what? It’s worth it.

I’ve even developed something of a social life through my classes again, and I’m loving every minute of it. It’s worth it to go into those classes and meet people, encourage them while they encourage you, and let them help to make you the best you can be through their sheer dedication and skill.

As for the darker mental side of it all, depression and anxiety don’t go away, but you can train yourself to push through them again, and you might just find those spells starting to dwindle a bit when you do. For me in every way, shape, or form, these changes have all been worth it.

Find what works for you and go for it not halfway, but all out.

#personal #bladesofyuribabbles #health and fitness #fitness #progress #update #unrelated #real-life #truths

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kentonramsey · 3 years

Text

In Praise Of Tunics, The Forgotten Style That’s Worked Wonders For My Body Confidence

Editor’s note: The following article includes content regarding body dysmorphic disorder. Some details may be triggering. Please proceed thoughtfully.

I live in leggings. On any given day, there’s a 90% chance you’ll find me in Aerie’s OFFLINE Real Me High Waisted Legging — of which I have more pairs than any one human really needs — or, when I’m feeling spicy, Commando’s Faux Leather Animal Legging. As I’ve built my collection of comfortable leggings, I’ve also grown my arsenal of tunics — long enough to cover my crotch and most of my backside — to go with them. And thus begins my ode to the oft-overlooked shirt silhouette that’s helped me gain my confidence amidst a years-long journey with body dysmorphia.

The tunic image that’s currently in your mind is likely boxy, oversized, and rather genderless in its silhouette. This makes sense. Tunics first originated back in ancient Greek and Roman times and were worn by both men and women. While yesteryear’s tunics usually fit this frumpy, matronly profile, today’s styles — while still falling somewhere between the hips and the knees — are more fashion-forward. Depending on the designer, tunics can be fitted, flared, sleeveless, balloon-sleeved, and everything in between.

Their turn for the stylish aside, here’s why they have become a go-to for me. I have a complicated relationship with my body. From puberty through my mid-20s, I fit into a size 0 at my smallest and a 6 at my biggest. But then, right after my 25th birthday, I sought professional help for my mounting anxiety. Two prescriptions and four months later, I had gained 40 pounds — all without drastically changing my diet or exercise routine.

By that time, the key factor that led to exacerbating my anxiety — a toxic relationship — was out of the picture. So, with the approval of my doctor, I cancelled my prescriptions. While I’m glad to say that my mental health has been steady and manageable since making that decision, I’m less stoked to admit that the body dysmorphia I’ve dealt with since age 12 — long before ever having gained weight and my most recent weight gain — remain. And, despite now being in this body for three years, it still doesn’t always register as mine. On those days, tunics give me the comfort and confidence boost I need.

While it may seem that I have resorted to loose-fitting tops to hide my weight gain, the reality is different. Tunics have been my top of choice for the past seven or eight years, encapsulating my body at its smallest and largest sizes; shrouding my stomach and thigh gap (or current lack thereof) — and every dysmorphic thought as a result — in acceptance. Because that’s the thing: At both stages of my body journey, I’ve felt largely at odds, never feeling physically good enough — not when I had a six-pack and thighs that didn’t touch, and not once I had developed stretch marks on my hips and stomach, and discovered what friction does to my favorite pants. During both periods, tunics have helped me tune out those thoughts and focus on how I feel in general as opposed to as a result of obsessing over how my body looks. When I wear tunics, I not only feel comfortable in my body throughout all its evolving stages, but I exude confidence.

Of course, no article of clothing will teach me to learn to love and accept my body every step of the way. Not when my mind is trying to make me believe that it’s something it’s not; something worse and less worthy. It’s an ongoing process for me, but, while I am slowly but surely getting there, being able to express my sense of style while continuously cloaking my body in love and comfort — rather than constricting it — and shielding it from gazes (my own included) undoubtedly helps.

Tunics are also incredibly versatile. Some days call for a fully oversized tunic blouse (I love ELOQUII’s Elements Poet Sleeve Tunic and Zara’s Satin Effect Long Tunic Blouse), while others call for a tiny bit more tailoring to accentuate my curves while maintaining that coveted length (like Free People’s Olivia Printed Tunic and Anthropologie’s Quinn Sequined Tunic Blouse). The latter two brands have helped redefine the silhouette for me: Where Free People reigns supreme when it comes to gorgeous boho tunics, Anthropologie elevates the silhouette for a slightly more mature, business-casual style.

High-fashion is taking notice of the style, too. In fact, tunics took over the Spring/Summer 2021 fashion week runways. From a sleeveless ribbed number at Simon Miller and a scallop-hemmed stunner at Jason Wu to a retro wool style at Marina Moscone, an asymmetric turtleneck at Michael Kors, and a hanky hem at JW Anderson, it’s safe to say that tunics are more stylish than ever.

Tunics aren’t only for spring and summer, though. I consider them to be one of the most transitional garments that exists. Considering they fall somewhere between the hips and the knees, many tunics are long enough to be mini dresses and can be worn on their own. Once the temperatures take a dip for the chillier, pairing them over leggings, tights, and pants works equally as well.

While some find that opting for oversized silhouettes and styling leggings as pants is fashion illiterate at best and downright lazy at worst, for me, it all comes down to comfort, a general lack of regard for what other people think about how I choose to dress, and a deep appreciation for the ever-growing love of my body that doing so has granted me. Plus, have you seen how cute tunics can look with leggings and knee-high boots? I’m a forever fan.

If you are struggling with an eating disorder, please call Beat on 0808 801 0677. Support and information is available 365 days a year.

At Refinery29, we’re here to help you navigate this overwhelming world of stuff. All of our market picks are independently selected and curated by the editorial team. If you buy something we link to on our site, Refinery29 may earn commission.

Like what you see? How about some more R29 goodness, right here?

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In Praise Of Tunics, The Forgotten Style That’s Worked Wonders For My Body Confidence published first on https://mariakistler.tumblr.com/

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nefarioussdotcom-blog · 4 years

Video

We're all about a healthy, happy lifestyle. While you may be seeing a dietitian, nutritionist, asking SIRI or your mom's aunts' cousin, it all boils down to what works in your schedule, doesn't cost you an arm and a leg, slips right into your exercise regime (walking, jogging, yoga, pilates, gym, outdoor sports), makes you happy and ensures you live your best life!

Today, I will be speaking with you about FOOD and how it can become your friend and not your foe.

First, let me start by saying...

Speaking from experience, eating is a sensitive topic, because it's about a lot more than just putting something in our mouths and swallowing.

Deep down you know who you are. You are not defined by what you wear, what you drive, where you live, where you kids goes to school, what board you have when surfing/skating - you are beautiful and we love you just the way you are! If you remember that, we can help you on this incredible journey. Not alone, but every step of the way with you!

So let's get to it: Lesson 1: The way we consume things has a great deal of impact on not only ourselves, but on the people around us.

What we choose to eat affects our bodies, but it also affects the way we socialize, the things we buy, the way the food market evolves, the way farmers and other food producers produce or obtain food to sell us, and ultimately, our entire World.

A lot of the food we think is healthy, isn’t actually healthy.

And we get so mired in the details of counting calories, obsessing over supplements, and trying to learn the meaning of big words like aspartame, hydrolyzed protein, and hippopotomonstrosesquippedaliophobia (just kidding about that last one!) that we lose track of how our food choices are really impacting us, and those around us.

Obviously, what we eat is critical to our well-being, in more ways than one.

We all know that eating a box of anything-from-the-bakery in one sitting is not healthy, but what IS a truly healthy diet?

The problem is, no one seems to know.

Of course, we know some things, and there are plenty of experts hawking new discoveries everywhere you turn. In this Information Age, particularly, the sheer quantity of food-related information available to us is overwhelming.

In general, we have too much. Too much food choices, too much information, too much confusion.

Of course, for some people with certain sensitivities or physical conditions such as diabetes or celiac disease, understanding the intricacies of their diet is extremely important. (To note, we are not Doctors. Just women with a passion to help men and women out there, live their best lives.)

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With all that said...

How can we be better at EATING?

1. LISTEN TO YOUR BODY

Your body is ingenuously designed (in other words: it’s pretty smart). If it doesn’t feel good, it will tell you — if you’re willing to listen.

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I was incredibly happy, proud to be up there, seeing my mom in the audience, cheering me on after three months of intense training, a high protein diet and supplements I'd rather not talk about. I was simply on a high and in the best shape I'd ever been. That was me at 28.

Fast forward nearly two years and I literally hit a wall - well a truck to be precise, losing my left leg and shattering my right, one December holiday. It collapsed my World into a dark pit of 'what the hell now'?

Two months of hospital food, lots of prescribed drugs, IV's, prosthetic's (I lost my left leg and broke my right in a million places), crutches and a wheelchair later, I signed myself out to head home, only to face my mom's TLC cooking with butter and cream and all the hearty goodness you'd come to expect from a caring and loving mother.

This set me back a lot and made me gain just about 10 kilograms/22 pounds.

Seven years later, I'm not back to my 28-year-old-model-bod, but I'm working on being my most healthy self. I dish up an adult portion and usually end up eating only a kids portion of it, when I'm hungry - teaching myself that I can eat less - it's just my mind playing tricks on me. When I crave something salty, I drink water and when I crave something sweet I eat a fruit. If I hit a 'debby-downer' moment, I grab a handful of nuts. The best part of my eating plan is that I never have to worry about those dreaded missed vitamins and minerals though and here's why.

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In short, putting healthy, grown from the Earth, straight off the farm,easy-in-your-lunchbox or zip-lock baggy goodness in your tummy, will make it smile right back at you!

Want to know more...leave a comment/your story/your eating problem below this blog for us. We'd love to hear from you!

2. PLAN AHEAD

When you already know what you need to eat, the best way to fall off the wagon and start consuming things you know are not good for you, is to not be prepared.

I’m not saying you have to spend ten hours every Sunday preparing your entire week’s meal plan ahead of time (unless you want to).

But don’t allow yourself to just “go with the flow” and pick up things here and there whenever you’re hungry. If you do that, you are more likely to eat unhealthily than healthily AND spending tons more money than your budget allows — it’s the way our current environment is designed.

Our whole food based nutrition, including juice powder concentrates from 25 different fruits, vegetables and grains helps bridge the gap between what you should eat and what you do eat every day. Not a multivitamin, medicine, treatment or cure for any disease, our capsules are made from quality ingredients carefully monitored from farm to capsule to provide natural nutrients your body needs to be at its best.

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3. TAKE YOUR TIME

Sometimes we simply eat too fast to take note of what we’re actually putting in our bodies.

If you've ever played a sport or a music instrument or studied for exams, you'd remember that you didn't simply wake up that morning with a spring in your step and just the right moves to ace it every game, symphony or test. You'd have to spend weeks preparing, ensuring the right process was followed to get you to your best.

Our Tribal Wellness Movement recommends a 90 day steady injection of earthy goodness. Let your body be testament to what fuels it best.

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Everyone wants to eat right and maintain a healthier lifestyle—whether you're a busy mom hustling to feed on-the-go children, a business traveler trying to stay fit, or an active boomer keeping up with grand kids. Unfortunately, maintaining a balanced nutritional diet is often a challenge. In simplest terms, healthy eating is about getting back to basics − by following the latest USDA guidelines, like those from USDA’s My Plate. The current recommendation for a healthy diet is to fill half your plate at each meal with fruits and vegetables. But healthy eating takes time, planning, and can cost a lot of money. Most of us suffer from a daily fruit and vegetable consumption gap as a result. Rich in vitamins and antioxidants, our products can help you fill that hole in your diet.

The Benefits of Wholefood Based Nutrition or as we like to call it: The Importance of a Healthy Diet

The best way to reduce your risk of disease is to eat healthy. The right fuel in your body makes it run better. Fruits and vegetables are two key food groups known to contribute to better health. Our wholefood products puts more of the valuable nutrition from fruits and vegetables back into your diet to improve health and wellness. Give yourself a better diet and a healthier lifestyle.

We'd like to highlight an absolutely incredible health transformation: Anna Cameron. Thanks so much for sharing your story!

As a mum of two... I know exhaustion (like most parents do). And just over a year ago I was in the thick of it. Breastfeeding my youngest... my baby and toddler tag teaming waking in the night... and my hubby having knee surgery... which meant he couldn’t help settle the girls. My brain fog was thick, stress was building, my hair was falling out in clumps and anxiety I felt in years past was creeping back into my world.

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I honestly couldn’t believe it... but also do realise how I had not been taking care of myself, because I was so concentrated on taking care of my family. So it actually makes total sense that the extra nutrients were helping to get my body functioning properly again.

One year on... I have not looked back. In addition to the benefits above, I found my sugar cravings disappear... i have been making small consistent changes in my eating and have lost a total of 14 kgs... I feel healthier than ever (something I would not have expected to say after my 2 babies).

Incredibly, I have not had more than a runny nose for over a year. And probably even more impressive is my daughters' immunity, they have the chews everyday (they LOVE them)... and while all of our friends seem to roll through sickness after sickness, temperature after temperature, the girls have missed it all and have had minor colds at worst over the winter ✨🙌... a parent's dream come true!!

I would admit that I was skeptical of the products when I read about them initially... and I truly though I was pretty healthy and that good food was the answer. The real problem was that I had no time to look after myself and I was definitely not getting the much needed nutrients from my usual meal of peanut butter on toast. We can all say we have good intentions, but this program allowed me to make my intentions a reality, quickly and conveniently.

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We'd love to hear what your goals are (weight loss, weight gain, muscle gain, a healthy glow), the frustrations of day to day aches and pains, shopping wows and anything else you'd like to share with us. Get in touch with us today.

#health & fitness #lose weight #clean eating #eating well

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triumphorce · 7 years

Text

Drawing breaths with artistry, language of thoughts fostering a nostalgic being,

sentimental siege,

All brain, all range,

Clad in plaid collages of pad paper armor,

a militia plane..

brought up from a strained mind under endless terrain,

recycled garbage,

that permeated with what i saw as empty knowledge in

a brief education & briefer accreditation

toward two empty majors, and even briefer burst of confidence that anything I do means a fraction of what I think it does..

but I sift, gain ambition

making any situation a domain to reflect, regain strength for the fight of a life time,

per se,

my thirst trained frustration to motivation,

juggernaut toward distraught teachers who only stay cause it’s a job,

while fallen hopes betray them all, I opened faces of milli-sided halls,

Walked along, until paths became the law,

Staring into hearts of the ones who stood and taught us,

ashamed and scared to ever face the thoughts of

themselves becoming a lost cause or lost, ‘cause right when they thought that they had shit on lock,

krogan locked,

life said,

“oh, hold up”,

and dropped a thresher maw

and in reply of shock,

they wonder in awe, wandering off,

Never embrace the wisdom in days lived

No, just stay in Dis, display our failed transition, derailed intentions,

In front of Pupils, who sittin, takin in, dreaming of becoming greater than the soul before them, forever chasin,

Archin before touching the top or bottom, Circling problems, repeating hate, tried restartin,

But made it complicated, all skulls, on legendary, whilst ordained to try hardin, lost in anger,

In the fear of being forgotten, emerges a pride undefined and tainted,

Causing all in front of them to disintegrate to smithereens, pitch black pov,

Shadowed in passing past waves, condescending and ignorant, more specific,

Ignorant to the fact that they are ignorant,

Arrays of misinterpretation, radiantly radiating blame on students aging, waitin for a reason to engage in,

Or believe, instead just misbehave, but as many minds decayed, mine dismembered and delayed,

Waitin silent for the time when it was safe, training to protect and teach any who secede to conceit of others to fight back and fight with what you know is right.

Making sure drive is free of any ounce of foul bias,

Maintain a sole desire to find balance,

Weight-wise, only sided to resizing peace of minds’ states,

Seeing a single race, endless potential.

Peaks beyond our Sol’s existence.

Patrolling distant lights in skies above.

From here on I’m only speaking biased toward a pride instilled in life, no more pride in might.

Writing based on finding the right

Words to describe ideas, inscribed with The Mightiest,

Idealistic in sight’s trim, a righteous rim, finding out daily this is more of a fight than predicted,

So many objections, how to explain them becomes a drawer of cables,

Tangled cords mixed, a mess of mass discretion break away the paths’ progression,

So how to relay said hopes’n opinions with flow and rhythm has become the extract of pensive obsession

Always bounce back with direct direction, from troubles I elude by jumping up on joust equestrians to stick it out with doubt and pity, Directin weapons toward negativity to secure a victory against the likes of evil, gold medalist perfection,

Reactivate negated dreams, defibrillate any being left behind and convene in rehabilitation,

Away from lies and emerge unafraid, a lion wild when

Complying to mal-authority, forget the order of things, like a coup,

Like I’m Luke, I draw my light of truth and smite the roof caging tolerance,

Then I light the fuse leading to the point where you want to disconnect completely,

An artist’s mission; to bend “reality” around the ones leading and defend the soul without technicalities,

Non-generic talent to bring death to flawed morality, born in sin, but found that better than

Being bored, free of lore able to distinguish what is permissible

Toward myself and dismissin those who ridicule, ones who didn’t live full,

Those didn’t win fools, who focus attention on instances of chances missed,

Steady

Descending electrical currents, discharged negativity to bring

jetstream connectivity to repressed neural energy,

Trek through a universe, telepathy to the muted me, suppressed relativity of relative tales, reveal trails, look like ninetails,

My failures pale in comparison to inner murals of flames, Amaterasu lyrics, vivid paints, cel-shaded imagery to share frames of memories,

Or portraits of Watercolor flow in diction, lyrics renditions, eccentric linguist, all tomorrow and to infinity,

Distant because I’m weary to adhering decisions people try reliving,

Clearly headed to perfection and I travel gravel discarded from

Shattered mountains my mind has battled absent of intricacies,

A promise to remain a person worth the mention of words delivered,

Imprison deceit, like a prism shimmering enlightenment is released,

A schism in derivatives and who I’m changin into presently

And no more givin in, given them more than sufficient definition

Might just be a blur because of all this sprintin With letters

Resemblin a piston burst, ricocheting embedded urges off of pages, forming leaded barriers,

Thus creating that schism, separating harbored confidence and people hating,

Hoping by the time they catch me, I’ll already be ahead of

Where they didn’t think I’d step, adept enough in sabotages,

crept up like a larcenist, beg no questions, answers are always an option,

Remaining slept on but my alarm is gettin ready, bells bangin

Eyes open, targeting instantaneously,

One above runner up, marksmen lock, C'zar in archery

When arms volley pens across tarps of bark and bleed

Words seen in endless dreams, all apart from envies, greed,

And anything tempting me to dismissing potential genius,

End up regrettin decisions, Like why I ain’t do that? Over what?

Because I believed what people said and disapproved of?

What I’m doin had me confused but not too soon after did

I see through the crafted abyss of blame, made grafted from lavish and sin did the rest become latter,

Realized the here, now I’ve appeared from dreams, clean as Casper’s seen,

Laughin while I’m rappin in my head, absent minded

To dettachments distracting me from finding time for more important matters,

typin into drafts what you view and leave the medulla interactin

With that sensation I’m attractin, producin classics, compacted in the back of minds,

Intrusive lines matched to muses alike, imported traction

To remove the fractions, causing friction, depleting factions of my blissfully factored fiction,

I abstractly live in, making peace out of the non-existent to

Apply to how I’m livin, find the light and deliver to the withered,

And despite all debatin, I ended ignorant intentions and interpretations

Erased irrelevance in a future I’m inventin, no more taking any notions

Of people’s wisdom, and I’ll admit it, what’s spoken ain’t always potent

But I stay open, so I’m given what I’m givin, disownin focus in peeps

Hopin for me to give in, consulted opinions insultin my intelligence,

Only a fifth a percent completed till I’m the person they predicted I’d be,

Redirectin high beams, still learning to finally eclipse and diminish dim

Witted people missin bigger pictures imprinted in visions emitted via

Antennas, receivin indica signals, absorbin instrumentals, mental drive,

As I instant transmission to beyond light years and I’m gone again,

Fin.

#dps #poetry

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fuckyeahtattoogirls-blog1 · 5 years

Text

‘My weight loss journey’ - Business Daily

New Post has been published on https://bestrawfoodrecipes.com/my-weight-loss-journey-business-daily/

‘My weight loss journey’ - Business Daily

Health & Fitness

‘My weight loss journey’

Thursday, July 25, 2019 18:50

By DOREEN WAINAINAH

Shiko Ndung’u who has lost 15 kilos. PHOTO | COURTESY

Shiko Ndung’u started her weight loss journey in December 2018. Since childhood, she had struggled with excess weight, but after hitting the highest weight ever — 114 kilogrammes — it gave her a new push. She spoke to Doreen Wainainah.

There was a point you were vegan, what made you want to try that?

I went vegan after two major life events. In 2017, I lost my father to cancer and I was moving to the UK for my MBA. While my father was ill and even after his passing, I was obsessed with cancer research. The one thing that stood out in terms of lowering the risks was diet.

At the same time, I had come across the vegan diet and decided to try it. I truly enjoyed the new food I ate, how I felt and my improved fitness. When I think about it now, I see I was driven by fear of becoming ill and gaining more weight given how cheap and accessible fast food is in the UK. Even so, it was a good decision at the time.

What made you stop being vegan?

Well, I took a different approach to my health, one not driven by fear. As a vegan, I felt my best, but the weight loss felt super slow and I didn’t feel like I had the luxury of time. I do have vegan days as my ultimate goal is to adopt a whole foods plant-based diet.

You are currently on keto diet and intermittent fasting. What guided this choice?

In my quest for yet another diet to solve my obesity problem, I came across keto and intermittent fasting online. It appealed to me because it explained the science behind it in a way that resonated with me. Moreover, I wouldn’t have to starve myself or eat boring tasteless food like many of the other diets I had tried. I really got into it, reading, watching videos and talking to anyone who would listen. The icing on the cake though, is that one of my mentors had lost about 25 kgs in about eight months on it and so I got someone cheering me on. Now I swear by it having lost over 15 kgs in the last six months.

Do you adhere to keto 100 percent?

Oh no! It has been a struggle because I am trying to unlearn a behaviour I have had for over 30 years. Besides consuming simple carbohydrates and sugar in every meal, I have overindulged all my life so on a very good week, I’m probably at 85 per cent adherence. But even the remaining 15 percent, I try keep it clean with eating complex carbs and natural sugars.

Yes. I take time each week and look for recipes online that are keto-friendly and I create a weekly meal plan. I don’t really enjoy meals prepped days in advance so I shop for the ingredients over the weekend and make the different meals throughout the week. Creating a meal plan ensures I am not tempted to indulge in old habits due to lack of preparation.

How did you deal with the keto slump (withdrawal of carbs aftershock)?

There are two parts to it. First, when starting off, I began by making healthier substitutes. So instead of my usual white bread, white rice, white ugali, I ate the whole meal options. Going cold turkey just made the slump really bad and pushed me back to old habits.

The second part is to then introduce the keto foods as you gradually eliminate the non-keto foods. So, for example, taking out the rice completely and eating cauliflower rice instead. You still experience the slump but manageably and after a couple of weeks, I could hardly feel it.

How do you keep within the plan with external forces like friends and relatives who are not on the same meal plan as you?

It is one of my biggest struggles. My partner, for example, is not on keto and we have most of our meals together. My friends and relatives as well. What I first did was share my journey. You would be surprised by how supportive people can be when you tell them how obesity can make you drop of a heart attack. They keep you accountable, in that if they see you making poor choices, they call you out on it.

The other thing is to always be prepared. For instance, when I have my food ready and my partner wants to get pizza, it’s easier for me since my food is right there and for sure he will not let me have his pizza.

I also eat before going to a party. It’s hard to overindulge on a full stomach.

It’s just better understanding how important my health is. On accountability, I have my friends and family cheering me on and an Instagram page @shikondungu_ where I share my journey; the real highs and lows of beating obesity. Because I have many people watching and cheering me towards my goal to get to 80 kgs by the end of the year, I get super motivated.

How long do you plan on being on keto?

For the foreseeable future. I probably won’t keep at it for six days a week after I get to my goal weight, but I will maintain it to ensure I keep off the weight for good.

The weight loss is the best side effect! The other one I found strange was the reduced number of trips to the bathroom, because you are eating less of course. Everything else feels normal.

Did you consult a nutritionist before you started?

I relied on several books written by nutrition and health experts.

How long do you work out daily?

I take a 30-minute walk on a high incline at medium speed on the trend mill six times a week. I have come to appreciate the truth in the phrase that “you lose weight in the kitchen and get fit in the gym.” As the kilos drop, I also gain more confidence in outdoor activities. So over the weekend, I go swimming or on long walks.

How do you handle the anxiety?

You mean on my Instagram page? I use the anxiety to keep me focused. Because I know each Monday I have to post my weight on @shikondungu_ I have to give it my best each week. It’s so powerful that on a few weeks I didn’t weigh in, I didn’t actually lose weight. So, I just use the anxiety for my benefit.

What would you like people to understand about the journey you are on?

Keto and intermittent fasting is what has been working for me, we are all different so something else may work for you, the key is to just be consistent with your plan. Have an accountability plan and plan in advance. Within no time, you will be a completely new person; healthier and hopefully happier.

Source link Keto Diet Effects

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sofferike-blog · 5 years

Photo

You guys. I look at this picture, and I am BLOWN AWAY by everything that I've accomplished these past couple of months 🤯 I thought I was being healthy by mostly eating right during the work week and working out. I didn't factor in the ENTIRE WEEKENDS where I would sit on my couch, binge whatever Netflix show I was currently obsessing over, and eat whatever my heart desired. Or when my cheat meals became cheat DAYS. Or when I'd slip up during the day, and instead of changing my mindset on "failing", I just went with the mistake and ate like crap the rest of the day (because balance, right?). You guys can see how INSANE that was, right? 🤔 My scale was my enemy. Every time I'd lose weight, I'd gain it right back! I could not figure out how to maintain any of the progress I made. Talk about defeating 😥 Even after I cleaned up my eating habits, I still wasn't seeing the results I wanted. Not to mention the continued lack of energy and having to deal with joints that wanted to hurt all the time. But now, looking at that picture? I've come a long way!!😁 🏆 From failing a PT test for being HALF AN INCH over the maximum measurement, to scoring my highest PT score EVER (losing 5 inches in my waist, and killing the pushups and my run) in my Air Force career 🏆Doing more than just losing 19lbs in two months, but MAINTAINING the weight loss!! I haven't seen the numbers 221 or even 210 in MONTHS (BTW: I'm down two more pounds as of this morning)! 🏆I have the energy to go on walks with my daughter as she rides her bike. We play and dance and I don't get winded right away!! Arianna told me one day, "THERE'S the mom I love!" 😭 🏆I'm able to move like I used to, without worrying if my knees are going to buckle, or if my back is going to hurt later. I don't scale back on workouts because of joint pain 💪🏿 💆🏿‍♀️ I'm learning how to treat my body with the respect it deserves, by supplying it with the right amount of nutrients! I'm improving my mindset and learning how to 🥋 roundhouse kick fear in the face and out of my life!! https://www.instagram.com/p/Bz63vlal1eI/?igshid=1hh2hip07oola

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nommi · 7 years

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touchy one, do u have any mental illnesses?

That’s fine, sweet heart.

Well, I’ve never talked about this on here before. The reason being, I want this blog to be a supportive and happy place, so it didn’t feel right for me to talk about my problems on here.

Plus, I do admit that I was a bit scared. Being someone who provides advice to others, I wanted to set an example. So, I felt a little hypocrite, by revealing my own personal struggles.

Nonetheless, I feel like I’m more comfortable to share this with you all and to be completely open.

The truth is, throughout my 19 years of life, I’ve struggled with two mental illnesses. I can say that neither of them escalated to a really intense state, so I never ended up seeking for medical care.

The first one was when I was in the eight grade. I failed my school year, so I had to repeat it again and go to a different class. At the time, I got really scared that I wouldn’t be able to fit in, as I didn’t know anyone in that grade.

Things turned out well, but I still felt like I didn’t connect with anyone there and hadn’t made any true friendships, so I started to get a little paranoid that people didn’t really like me. This led to overthinking and intrusive thoughts. Progressively, it started to manifest physically as well, and when I realized it, I had an obsessive compulsive disorder. I would think bad things and then would have to do something right away, as if it would block those things from happening. (for example: I would knock on a table three times, or would need to have my pens all displayed in a certain position, otherwise, I would feel discomfort and nervousness).

Eventually, I started to search more about this disorder and telling myself that it had to stop, as it was controlling my life. Slowly, I told myself that these thoughts and actions I did, didn’t have any true power to affect my actual life. I forced myself to stop, even if it was difficult at times. Until I was able to live freely again.

Something that also helped, was the fact that the year after this started, I become much closer with my classmates and made some really good friendships. It made me more confident and happy.

Now, the second illness was a most recent one (it happened two years ago) and this is something that I’m still a bit sensitive about. It’s a really common one for people my age, so you can already guess what it was. I had an eating disorder.

It developed in different states. First, it started as a harmless diet (keep in mind that I, at no point in my life, was overweight), but I just felt like I needed to lose a few pounds to feel more comfortable with myself. Once again, this started as something harmless and I actually didn’t hate my body.

But, as I started restricting calories and doing more exercise, I started to fall into a routine. Plus, once I saw that it was actually working and I was actually getting thinner, it just gave me more motivation to keep going further.

I came to a point where I had already achieved the goal that I set myself when I started the diet, but I was already in too deep to just simply stop it.

I continued on getting thinner and people also started noticing it. I told them (including my family), that I was getting thinner simply because I recently had joined a gym and the workouts made me burn a lot of calories, resulting in weight loss. But it was a lie. I was constantly thinking about food, I was always worried about overeating, and it made me feel miserable. Even when I started adding more calories to my diet, so I wouldn’t lose more weight and just maintain it, I would still have the same obsessive behavior.

This lasted for over one year. Until the consequences started to backfire. I was so vulnerable, that I started having binge eating episodes, where I would simply consume a massive amount of food in a short period of time, following myself feeling super ashamed and regretful of what I just did.

Because of my binge eating, I started to gain some weight back again. But, to be honest, I feel like it was an actual blessing, as I started to realize that gaining weight wasn’t so bad and that I couldn’t live like this forever. Especially then, that I was preparing myself to go to college and wanted to start a new life afresh.

Only after I went back to my old eating routine, did I tell my family what truly happened. My friends still have no idea about this.

Currently, I’m much more healthy and happy, even though sometimes I’m still scared that I will fall into the same routine again.

I’m not proud of what happened and it is quite difficult for me to confess all of this to all of my followers. However, I’m not ashamed either, because it was a struggle that I was able to overcome. And it just proved to me how strong I can be.

Yes, it was a battle. But I came out alive.

Lastly, I just want to point out that, despite this last disorder that I mentioned, I still had a quite happy year, as it was a period of time that also brought me other really good things. I had a lot of great friends, I was able to get into the University I wanted and it was the year I truly started to develop my own sense of style. So, not everything was dark. Plus, it was a year where I interacted with you guys quite a lot, which always makes me super grateful!

Thank you to anyone who read all of this until the end. Now you know a part of me that not a lot of people know about.

Hopefully, this will also help anyone that might be struggling with any kind of mental disease to continue on fighting!

Wish you all a lovely day.

#anomminous #nommi reply #Anonymous

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realtalk-princeton · 5 years

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Before princeton i had BED- it started when I was 11-12ish and became uncontrollable in my last couple of years of school. Fortunately I’m pretty active and cycled pretty much daily so binging on 3000 calories at a time 2-3 times a week only made me borderline overweight at its worse. When I got to Princeton I found it harder to access my favorite binge food so my BED almost completely went, and I haven’t binged since November now. Having said that, since August 2017 I’ve lost 26lbs, partially

[cont.]Through trying to lose a bit last year but mostly from eating less this year. Since the weather started getting warmer though I’ve really lost all willingness to eat and can only force myself to go to max 2 small meals a day. My friends haven’t noticed but none of my clothes fit anymore. I’m worried both about going back home for summer because my family might notice (they last saw me in January) and also that my metabolism has slowed and now I’m too scared to eat more than 1000 calories a day[cont.] because its going to make me fatter and even after losing so much I’m still nowhere near having a flat stomach. I’m pretty sure I’ll be able to be fine with maintaining once I lose about another 5-10lbs but I know the amount I’m eating currently is unhealthy, so any advice for getting to my goal more healthily? I’m also scared im gonna start binging again in the summer

Response from Clipper:

Hey anon- I am so sorry you’re going through this. TL;DR: hang in there; you have the strength to overcome this and create healthier, lifelong patterns for yourself.

I currently suffer from mildly disordered eating which arose from going on my medications at college (not eating during the day, then bingeing late at night when my evening medications kick in). I used to also very strictly control my eating in high school before I was diagnosed with my various mental and bodily afflictions (gotta catch ‘em all, it seems) because it gave me warped a sense of control over my life.

I’m gonna give you some overall good feelings-type advice. Then, I’ve enlisted one of my best friends to give a longer answer, as they went through something more directly aligned with what you’ve described here. Here goes:

I know it sounds impossible to think of, but you can get a stranglehold on this sucker and pull yourself through to the other side. It unfortunately takes more work than continuing as you are now- and will involve you eating sometimes when you (or your body) don’t want to in order to get your metabolism up to shape again. But it’s important, and as I said up top: you have the strength to do it. Having a flat stomach is not a measure of health nor is it a good goal to have. A healthy resting stomach is typically not flat.

When I was in high school, to help myself eat enough throughout the day, I started a food diary. I would just list off the things I ate so that I could visually make sure I ate enough. Don’t use an app for this, as these tend to count calories- which is not what this exercise is for. It’s to help make sure you eat enough and to help you become accountable for your food cycles and habits.

Passing onto my friend now for more practical advice:

Congratulations on not bingeing since November!! That is a huge accomplishment. But you are overcompensating in the other direction by restricting and you will inevitably slip back into a binge-purge cycle if you continue to restrict your intake. TRUST ME. 1000 calories a day is nowhere near enough for anyone. Stop worrying about what might happen in the future and focus on being present and creating daily habits and practicing today. Take it one day at a time. Losing weight is addictive and it is difficult not to be seduced when you see yourself shrinking. This is the hardest part imo but you have to try to stop equating your self-worth with your weight and start appreciating your amazing body for all the miraculous things it does to keep you alive and healthy.

I suffered from anorexia and overexercising in high school. I lost weight rapidly but it was not about appearance; I didn’t have a choice but to do what I thought was “healthy”. I went into starvation mode from restricting calories and exercising too much; I never felt hungry and developed horrible stomach pains, dangerous electrolyte imbalances and kidney problems. I developed exercise bulimia once I started bingeing and exercising extra hard to “work off” the thousands of calories I’d consumed while bingeing. I had been eating so little that bingeing was my body’s last resort to try to keep me alive. When I came to Princeton is when it got really bad. When I would binge, my body kicked into its most primal mode of survival and I would completely dissociate and go into a fugue state and just eat everything in sight. I would steal food from my roommates and stores and even eat out of the trash. I was bingeing so frequently that I gained about 50 lbs in a few months. I finally sought help my freshman year here and found my wonderful therapist who I still see weekly. I went through IOP and day programs and spent two weeks in a residential facility but it wasn’t until taking a year off and really examining my life that I began to really overcome it. I still put too much emphasis on being skinny and my eating habits are still irregular, but I let myself eat whatever I want and have not counted calories in years. I also stopped exercising altogether and am trying to gradually reintroduce gentler forms like yoga and walking into my routine. I am at peace with where I am right now. The thought of gaining weight still scares me somewhat but it does not rule me like it used to and I know that if I gain a few pounds no one will notice but me and everyone will still love and care for me. Today I ate a whole pizza and sat in bed all day, which to most may not seem “healthy”, but compared to where I was a few short years ago, this is enormous growth for me. It is a constant process that takes daily practice and in June I will be graduating with two degrees: one AB and one ED.

Stop weighing yourself. Give or throw away your scale right now. Stop trying to lose weight and focus on being well. Make an appointment with a nutritionist (your dsl has referrals) and ask them to monitor your habits and do blind weigh-ins. Also make an appointment with a therapist and/or psychiatrist if you don’t have one. Prozac has been known to help with BED at certain doses so they might recommend you that. Make sure you’re eating three balanced meals a day; they can be small in size but make sure you have a good balance of protein, carbs, fats, and fruits/veggies. Never go more than 4 hours without eating something because that will cause your blood sugar to dip and will make you more likely to binge later. Make a daily schedule with evenly spaced meal times that are realistic work for you and make sure to add snacks so you’re not going too long without eating. If you have a roommate, tell them you’re watching what you eat (you don’t have to go into detail if you don’t want) and ask them to help you and keep food in your space limited or ask them to keep it in their room. Pay close attention to your hunger cues; notice what times of day you tend to be hungriest.

STOP. COUNTING. CALORIES. Caloric labels are inaccurate and you do not know exactly how much energy you’re expending each day and it’s all so arbitrary it doesn’t mean anything anyway. The internet is not always your friend. Stop looking up calorie counts of foods and block websites that could trigger you to obsess. Start trying to listen to what your body needs instead of intellectualizing what you think you should need. Continue moderate exercise and be aware that if you exercise more you may be hungrier and will definitely need to eat more. But intense exercise can also suppress appetite.Keep it to 30-40 mins of cardio 3-5 days a week, ALTERNATE with strength training days, with COMPLETE REST DAYS in between. If you feel restless on the days you don’t exercise, take a calm walk or try meditating or gentle stretching. And make sure you DO NOT BY ANY MEANS restrict your intake on the days you’re not exercising; rest days are when your muscles rebuild and they need food for that!Drink at least 64oz of water a day and more if you exercise and/or drink caffeine.

ALSO no one has a completely flat stomach and it fluctuates with your digestion and cycles anyway. If you feel bloated, try herbal teas like ginger and mint (really anything with ginger in it) but avoid “detox” or “flat belly” teas and supplements that contain laxatives because that is a slippery slope. Also avoid very salty snack foods that can make you retain water, avoid chewing too much gum which can make you swallow air and get belly bloat, and avoid anything with sugar substitutes like aspartame because those can also wreak havoc on your digestion. Eat full-calorie and full-fat versions of things, avoid “lite”, low-fat and sugar free snacks. Don’t drink too much caffeine either because it can have an appetite suppressant effect and make it harder for you to eat normally. ..You are young and your metabolism will recover as you begin to eat normally again and your weight will settle at a place that is right for you. Your pulse is probably slow and might you feel cold because you are not eating enough. You will NOT become overweight by eating regularly. Please trust the process; I know it feels impossible and it’s super triggering to have to eat when you don’t want to or you aren’t hungry but you have to start refeeding now or you may begin doing permanent damage to your body. It’s too much to do alone so seek the help of experts and listen to them. Stop fooling yourself. Take time off if you need and be honest with everyone but most importantly with yourself.

If it helps, make a list of things you like about yourself and your body and especially your heart and mind. Stop fixating on imperfections. If you have a lot of mirrors around, get rid of them. If your clothes don’t fit, get new clothes. You deserve to feel good and restricting/losing weight/bingeing/purging (exercise is a form of purging!!!) might be a temporary high but will not make you feel good in the long run. Stop making excuses. If you haven’t eaten three meals yet today, go get dinner as soon as you can. The best time to start is right now. Best of luck, you brave ED warrior.

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copulaa · 7 years

Text

It wasn’t one thing. It’s never one thing. They’re grenades accumulating in a mine field waiting for the one that’s thrown too hard. But it takes a damn long time to find the one that did it, that tipped you over the edge, that blew you apart. In most cases, you’ll never find it, because it’s covered in the rubble of events that happened far too long ago for you to comprehend.

For me, there were too many, although funnily enough, social media never came up as a perpetrator in conversation. It could have been controlling friends in lower school. It could have been the skinny, confident girls in my ballet class coupled with gorgeous thigh gaps and a distorted mirror covering the far wall. But honestly, it’s so ambiguous. And that’s infuriating.

I remember looking down at my legs in car journey on my fourteenth birthday. Nothing special - I didn’t really care. Then I looked over to my friend. Perfect, bony knee caps, delicate fingers, and a personality that could make Zeus cower in shame. In no way am I implying that this was her fault - that’s insane, she had, and still has, no idea.

In the early months of 2016, I was diagnosed with anorexia nervosa, a common eating disorder, and i was referred to CAMHS. Anorexia is ‘an eating disorder characterized by refusal to maintain a healthy body weight, and an obsessive fear of gaining weight due to a distorted self image’ which at the time I thought was an absolutely ridiculous assumption. I forced myself to believe I was fine. Why were they worrying?

But that’s the first symptom of an eating disorder, I’ve come to realise. A refusal to accept that your mind is infested with negative thoughts and notions.

Second, your image is completely distorted by this…almost a filter in some respects? In which you can only see fat, and nothing else because you’re just so… big. And disgusting. And all the things you were dreading to see when you stepped off the scale at 47kg.

It was later that year that I really lost it. It was at the point where the stockpile in my mind was overflowing onto split wrists and knuckles - I was on a meal plan, set by my dietician, Sarah, which was actually going surprisingly well. I had to eat a grand total of 1800 calories a day, and although i was trudging on, ana was screaming at me to stop. I had given up. I had stayed after school on a warm tuesday evening for some kind of art club I recall, and my head was pounding - I remember it vividly.

While changing in the toilets, my hand brushed against a small cardboard box at the very bottom of my bag - and I remembered I had taken an unopened box of paracetamol from my mum’s first aid box that I had received for a wrist injury a few months earlier. I had taken it intentionally; I had been writing a note in my head for weeks prior and I think it was finding out that we had a speaking assessment that day that really tipped me over the edge. I know, it sounds utterly stupid reading it back now.

I took two dozen paracetamol that evening in order to kill myself. I was really hoping for a quick and quiet way out - unfortunately, I was violently sick that evening after I went to bed early 'because I was tired’. Which I really wasn’t. My body was frantically trying to prevent my heart from completely giving up on me, but thankfully it had already got rid of the worst of it.

I had told my closest friend (an incredible person) a few days later and made her swear not to tell my mum - so she told a teacher that worked in healthcare instead. My mum was told and was a complete mess when I arrived home; she had absolutely lost it - she was screaming, crying, and shaking like a Merris paint mixer. It was one of the most heartbreaking things I’ve ever seen, and only then did I feel any guilt about what I’d done.

That’s when I was taken in again. they told me to go and get a 'quick’ blood test done 'just to check’.

It took 7 hours.

Half the time I sat with a needle in my right arm trying to do tomorrow’s homework with that same hand. After a few more hours, I was finally taken into the children’s ward, where they asked me exactly the same questions as every other person had asked over the course of the week. 'why did you do it?’ 'how many did you take?’ when did you take them?

Going back to my therapist was one of the hardest things I’ve ever had to do. I was petrified, because I knew I would get a look of utter disappointment; she was so lovely, and to hurt her would be so awful. The clarity kicked in as my mum wandered over to sit next to me, and I almost burst into tears because I realised just how selfish I had been.

Ever since then, I’ve been trying my absolute best to be as cooperative as my eating disorder will let me, and it feels like I’m gaining back my control. I almost feel like me again. I know it will take time, the panic attacks and the tantrums over the size of a spoon definitely prove that. I know it’s going to take what will seem like a lifetime, and sometimes, I feel like I don’t want to rid myself of this illness, this comfort - but the motivation of meeting my internet friends and taking control of my life again really help me.

I’m only able to write this because I’ve come to terms with the fact that I’m not well, and that I am in need of help, which I’m currently getting. Once you’ve managed to pierce through the thick veil of fog and accept that you are in need of a shoulder to cry on, recovery becomes a long, but much easier road to travel on.

#my story #tw: ana #tw: ed #tw: food #tw: depressing thoughts #tw: suicide mention #tw: self harm

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bunny-wk-fanfic · 7 years

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One with itachiiii 😍😍😍

I hope this is alright.

She was a year younger, thus in a class under him. And yet, she caught his eye. Unlike the other girls, she didn’t throw herself at him or attempt to gain anything from him. In fact, it was almost as if his family name and all that was attached to it was of no importance to her.

So whenever she talked to him, it was him she was talking to. And it was… nice. It was what kept his attention. And soon, he became obsessed. He studied her in his free time, learning all he could about Kagome Higurashi.

Like his, her family was an old one. Unlike his, hers had modest and humble origins and kept to the shrine each generation as the keepers of the grounds. The girl herself was… worldly. She had a certain maturity that went beyond even him and still maintained a positive outlook on life. If it weren’t for her eyes, a shade of blue he had yet to see elsewhere, she was the epitome of a blossoming Japanese beauty.

She was soft in her curves, a natural glow that spoke of her love for the outdoors and a hidden strength that the women of his own family would envy. She preferred to read rather than watch, held a deep respect for nature and was skilled with a bow as he was in kendo and oddly had a wealth of knowledge in herbs.

With every discovery, every new facet he learned, the more his obsession grew. Until one day, he realized he wanted her. It was almost a primal instinct. So he managed to shift not only his but her life as well so that she was exposed to him as much as he had been to her.

He smiled as he remembered the day she came over for the first time, how his mother cooed over her. Even going so far as to comment on how they’d make a handsome pair. He always knew his mother would be the one to plant the idea in his little woman’s head. His own pulse had jumped as his mother began to mutter to herself, about their possible future children. While he knew they were still too young, the idea and the thought of practicing heated his blood.

Kagome had a becoming blush after the incident, though she bravely continued to keep eye contact with him. So brave, his little Kagome.

And here they sat, months after their first tutoring session. This would be their last as she had finally caught up in her math lessons, but he wasn’t going to let that deter him.

“…Uchiha-san…” her cheeks grew rosy at slight poke to the side that had her flinching away from the tickling sensation. “…Itachi-kun… this is highly inappropriate…”

Itachi hummed, only too happy to with their current position. He figured he’d treat himself, and Kagome of course, for their last session. Thus, sitting her in his lap. His arms were loosely wrapped around her waist and chin propped atop her head as she attempted to work on her math. Apparently, she found him distracting enough to not be able to focus on her math. He was more than alright with that.

Ignoring her comment, he raised a hand to tap the empty page of her notebook. “You should be concentrating on your homework.” his hand was slow to return to its comfortable spot, where his fingers once again began to tap and dance along her hip. “If you’re this easily distracted, then perhaps we should continue with the tutoring sessions after tonight.”

He smirked as he saw the subtle shake of her hand as she squeezed her pencil, and he knew, he knew, that she was most likely pouting and glaring at her empty sheet.

“Why are you doing this?” the sudden question had him blinking, he shifted after giving her a gentle squeeze and pulled back a slight amount to watch the top of her head.

“Most girls would be thrilled to be in this situation.” his lips quirked when his thumbs swept across the small amount of skin that peeked from beneath her shirt. He felt his blood heat the smallest amount when he realized that the smooth skin he was currently stroking was, in fact, the subtle curvature of her hip bones.

The tips of her ears were now rosy at this point, but she ignored it to continue staring at the table before them. “Yeah, well, I’m not most girls.”

Relaxing and more than pleased with her reply, he smiled as he buried his face into her hair. “And that is why.”

When he felt her shift to look at him directly, he couldn’t help but smile and tuck some stray strands of hair behind her ear. Her blue eyes seemed to glow with the warm blush adorning her cheeks. “What are you after, exactly?”

If there was one thing that both annoyed and entertained him about her, was that she was blind to others attraction towards her. It was entertaining to see others stumble after her, though it was a hindrance in his own attempts at winning her affections for himself. Now he had the opening to tell and show her exactly how he felt about her. And also let her know that he wasn’t ready to give up should she decline or let go.

“What I’m after, hmm?” he leaned in closer, smirking when her blush grew rapidly the closer he got. “You.”

Blue eyes widened as she blinked a few time and slowly turned to face forward again, allowing him to admire the now exposed side of her neck. There was the faintest flushing, her pulse was pounding and the smooth skin looked so tempting. But he held himself back until she said something, either it be to accept or decline him.

“M-me?” her entire voice trembled. She immediately released her pencil when it creaked in her hand only to jump slightly when he pressed his lips to where her neck and shoulder met. “A-ah! I don’t… I can’t… that is to say…”

“Hmm?” he hadn’t been aware that her skin could feel so soft and warm, pliable beneath his lips or that she could taste so sweet. It had him hungering for more. If he wasn’t currently busy, he would have smirked at the breathless mewl she released when he began to gently suck at the skin just above her collar.

When her head tilted away, thus giving him better access, he pulled her deeper into his hold. He tightened said hold when she began to squirm, hoping to still her movement and keep from his own anatomy from reacting. Giving the skin one last nip he pulled away to admire his work, deeply pleased at the mark he left behind. “What was that?” he hummed at spying the dazed expression she wore.

“What?” her voice was breathy, lips looking far too moist and a tad swelled and all that tempting. She must have bitten her lower lip.

“Be my girlfriend.” if it was one thing he learned, it was that Kagome needed to be shown or told directly, otherwise it would fly right by her.

“Ah-ha-ah… Mmm.” her entire posture slumped back into him, which he was only too happy to accept her weight. “You’ve been planning this for a long while.”

“Mm-hmm.” he was happy that she was again focusing on him completely and waiting patiently for her reply to his request.

“And you’re not going to relent until you get your answer.” she had made certain emphasis on the -your- in her comment.

He smirked, humming again as he gave a nod of his head. Apparently, she knew him a lot better than he thought she would.

“Well, if it’ll keep me from suffering your constant insistence until you finally get what you want…” she hummed when he propped his chin on her free shoulder. “I guess… it couldn’t hurt to give you a chance.”

His little woman was being a tease, and it was amazing that she could bring out a playful side of himself that he hadn’t been aware of previously. It wasn’t as energetic as her own, but it was there. He also now had the opportunity to prove himself to her.

#prompts #fanfiction #crossover #alternative universe #anime #Naruto #Itachi Uchiha #Kagome Higurashi

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