#I am losing my mind are they models. what is happening

[slavicafire]

help the women in my marketing meeting are so intimidatingly hot I can't speak

#żmija gada #I am losing my mind are they models. what is happening

[wonder2realities]

having trouble with manifesting physical results?

when it comes to manifestation, i feel like everyone acts like theres a limit and usually that limit revolves around physical changes. "you cant lose weight unless you work out AND listen to subliminals, you have to put in the work!!!" — what if i were to tell you that you can manifest literally any physical change without even moving? you probably wouldnt believe me because of the idea that you need to "work" to earn something...and yet with all of the physical changes i've manifested, i havent "worked" for anything. how? here's a little list of the rules i stick by !

1. SHAMELESSNESS IS KEY!

i'm someone who gets embarrassed very easily, over the smallest things but when it comes to manifesting anything...you gotta be shameless. yes i am waking up with a BBL and a 2-inch waist, what about it. you can pull up to my house, with scientific evidence of how thats not possible but idc cuz its happening. infact, it ALREADY happened "but you look the same" idc it still happened. like literally, no matter what its happening and its happened and it will happen ; whether it be past future or present point is ITS THERE.

2. YOU ARE ENERGY, NOT YOUR BODY

this ones a bit hard to word out but essentially, your physical body doesnt make up what you are. meaning, you can view yourself as this ball of energy that can be stretched and pulled out and morphed into everything and anything.

so lets say you want a symmetrical face :

1. dont go overanalysing your face, just sit down & take it easy

2. think of how your symmetrical face that youve always had. i mean you could honestly be a model, your facial structure is amazing. and just allow yourself to sink into those thoughts, whether its through you repeating affirmations or through subliminals — let it all sink in that your face is symmetrical. having doubtful thoughts? let them fly past, dont cling onto them. just allow yourself to sink deeper into the fact that your face is perfectly symmetrical.

3. acknowledge it and live with it. dont go eyeing your mirror and reflection every 2 seconds, dont go panicking and repeating affirmations nonstop and stressing...just acknowledge it and go on with your day.

^ its that easy. you dont need to even see your physical body morphing into it, the point is that you are able to morph and change into whatever you wish because you are not limited to your physical body.

3. NO OVERCOMPLICATIONS

you dont need to do a 40 minute workout to make sure you get results, you dont need to drink 3L of water, you dont need to write down 500 affirmations, you dont need to do a 20step skincare routine if you want to make sure you get clear skin...if you want to do these things, do them as much as you wish to. do you have to? no.

when i was younger, i got a bad injury and because of that one of my cheekbones were larger than the other — through manifestation they look identical now. like as in, if i were to tell you the injury i got into and said "my cheekbone was larger and there was a huge line under it" youd think i was making it up (sidenote : i had to show someone my passport photo from when i was like 8 to prove that i had that injury 😭 CUZ THEY DIDNT BELIEVE ME.) and mind you, i didnt even have a routine - my routine was literally just playing cute subliminals , vibing to the music and then going to sleep. i promise you, you dont need to do any form of "work" to get what you desire.

4. GO WITH YOUR GUT

probably the most important thing i stick by, i always go with my gut. meaning, if i feel like i can listen to a 5 second subliminal and i got it - i leave it there. i dont force anything, i dont push myself into anything and i dont do anything that someone else does if it doesnt vibe well with me. (this also means if youre reading this and going "this doesnt really work with me" - thatll be better than you forcing yourself to follow these rules just because these have worked for me). you need to always remember that when it comes to manifesting things, your preference comes first. so, if you wanna run 5 miles and that helps you believe that you have gotten your desires - do it.

5. DONT LET OTHERS GET TO YOU

if youre minding your business and youre talking abt your desires and someone goes "erm...🤓👆🏽 thats...not possible" - instead of secondguessing yourself literally ignore them. the concept of whats possible and whats real all boils down to what you BELIEVE is possible/real. the only reason something could not be possible or not be real is you believe it isnt, or you letting someone else who doesnt believe in it take over your beliefs (obviously this specifically applies to manifestation and not things that are tied to disorders or any form of unhealthy thinking. dont take my words out of this context.)

and thats all ! obviously i have other parts of my mindset that arent mentioned here that help me manifest faster and easier but it would take too long for me to get into everything </3 but consider these my 5 golden rules that will hopefully help anyone whos struggling with physical results.

rmbr that you are forever limitless & changing ★

#ᡣ𐭩 wonder2realities #🪽₊˚⊹ cici's experiences #˚˖𓍢ִ໋🦢˚ cici's tips #shifting consciousness #desired reality #manifestation #quantum jumping #scripting #shiftblr #shifting blog #shifting methods #loa blog #neville goddard #loa tumblr #law of assumption #law of attraction #manifesting #loassumption #manifest #reality shifting #shifting antis dni #shifting motivation #kpop shifting #shifting community #affirmations

[mkkk12345]

Student Crewel x Reader headcanon/fic

This is set when Crewel was still a student at NRC, reader is a first year and Crewel is a second year.

Its 3 am I don’t know what I am doing please take my offering and feel free to request I guess. 

- There's no doubt about it he is a Pomfiore student

- Because of his unique and fabulous fashion sense he became the house-warden in his first year

- Back then he did not dye his hair white it was solid black

- As the house-warden he is smart, he has perfect grades to go along with his looks

- In his free time, you could likely find him sketching out new fashion designs for his next show

- Did I forget to mention that he is already an established and renowned fashion designer?

- As a house-warden he is strict not as bad as Riddle but similarly to Vil he requires everyone to look their best at all times

- You and Crewel met in his second year when you were in your first year

- Upon seeing you in the hall of mirrors he would firstly critique your ceremonial robes seeing that although your looks were good my god u did not know how to put that thing on… he can fix you… I think?

- He had mixed feelings when you were assigned to Pomfiore

- Only once you had been sorted into his dorm did he begin to really think about your ill fitting ceremonial robes

- On one hand, he had never seen someone like you before

- On the other hand… there was a lot of work to be done regarding your choice of clothing

- Your first interactions with him were likely right after the ceremony 

- You were talking to a couple of first years before being sent off to your dorms when you heard the clicking of footsteps quickly approaching you

- This is followed by your ceremonial robes being adjusted along with murmuring about how troublesome it's going to be with you in the dorm

- Once you arrived at Pomfiore you found out the one who had been fussing over your clothing was nonother than the house-warden himself Divius Crewel

- Although all the fussing over you was annoying at first as you slowly got to know him things became slightly better

- Once you found out that he was a famous fashion designer all those times he held his sketchbook up to compare to you finally made sense

- Now whenever you catch him doing this your face would flush and you would quickly turn away 

- When you start doing this he is confused, you use to at least acknowledge his presence when you looked at him but now what? Don’t tell him he was about to lose a future model of his?

- After a month of this happening he decided to confront you about it

- Of course, at first you denied anything like this even happening but as the conversation continued an unexplainable hint of pink surfaced on your cheeks

- And that's when he pieced everything together 

- With a smirk on his face, he decided why not torment you for a little longer before confirming his suspicions 

- “Say Y/N why don't we continue this conversation in my room there's something else I must discuss so let's leave it at this for now, shall we? We cant be late for class can we now?”

- Your friends practical dragged you to your next class that day as you continued to overthink everything he had just said

- Once all school activities had ended you slowly inched your way back to the dorms and to the grand doors of Crewels room

- Your shaky knock on the door was met with an annoyed “come in” from Crewel

- “Ahh why if it isn't my dear puppy”

- Your dead 

- On the floor even

- What did he just call you??? Puppy???????

- While you were too stunned to speak he continued

- “I needed to discuss some work-related things with you, would you like to model for me in my next show?”

- What? Did you just hear him correctly?? He wants YOU to walk for him?

- “Are you sure Divus? I mean I've never done anything of the sort before and-”

- “Look dear it either you walk or this show doesn't go on I did design this collection with you in mind after all”

- That smirk god damit that smirk 

- “Fine, I can't let work like yours be thrown into the shadows after all.”

#divus crewel #crewel x reader #twst x reader #twisted wonderland x reader #twisted wonderland headcanons #twisted wonderland #twst #divus crewel x reader

[jsprnt]

Americano PT. 8 | Jude Bellingham x Reader

What happens if two individuals who absolutely despise each other are forced to interact after unforeseen events occur?

A/N: this one is a bit on the shorter side, but I promise next chapter will be juicy! 😉

W/C: 3.086

part seven

"Wait- why am I actually kind of bitter about this?"

I mumble, looking up at Luis. He turns around, moving his camera away to look at me.

"Bitter about what?" He asks, fidgeting with the settings of the device.

"They literally crap out money- but get a free BMW?" I question, folding my arms.

"Oh, please. Will you stop being such a negative person?"

He gives me a nasty look, his hand coming to grab my arm.

"Or go sit in the car..?" He adds, pointing behind me.

"No, it's too hot to sit in the car.." I complain, adjusting my sleeve.

"Why did you even follow me here in the first place?" He asks, raising his brows.

"I was done with my to-do list and didn't want to stay cooped up in the office.."

Not to mention to avoid the insanely annoying looks I had been receiving ever since those stupid rumors and photos had been out.

"Okay, just stay back and watch then.."

I watch him make cinematic shots of each individual model and car. My patience begins to thin when he's still busy with it twenty minutes later.

I pull my phone out of my pocket to keep myself busy. I carefully scroll through my Instagram explore page, ignoring the thousands of follower requests to my account.

The internet was very quick, so within hours of my face being online, people had found both my full name and social media accounts.

"y/n!"

I freeze, holding my phone against my chest, and turn in the direction the noise came from.

I make immediate eye contact with Valeria, her obnoxiously fake smile burning my eyes instantly.

"Yeah? Anything wrong with the shoot?" I ask, shoving my phone into my pocket.

"No, the players have just arrived- and it's a better look if you're off your phone and look interested."

I fight the urge to snort at her ridiculous comment, and just nod before I lose it.

"Sure, any reason you're here today? It's only for some short clips..”

I watch her take a step forward, a hand reaching up to her hip. She moves her neck in a weird way, staring at me for a moment.

"It's always good to see how my juniors work, and how close they are to the players is really something I like keeping an eye on.."

Oh- surprise, she was here for something stupid!

I was already over her snarky remarks, especially those insinuating a romantic relationship between Jude and me.

The thought only makes me want to gag.

I shiver at the cursed idea, noticing a few players already walking over to check out the new car they chose, and look back at Valeria.

"Well, I'm sure some of the guys really need your presence and knowledge. Please, go and join them.."

I instigate, hoping and wishing she goes to bother Toni instead.

For some reason, he could handle her bullshit really well.

"Oh, don't mind if I do.." She chuckles, immediately turning her back to me and walking away.

I sigh in relief, rubbing my nape to try to release some tension from my body.

I begin walking up to the cars myself, reading off every license plate to see which player got what model.

I stop at the car chosen by Aurélien, observing the details of the 'i4 eDrive35'.

« Très belle, non? » I hear him say. I nod, pursing my lips.

« Le couleur- noir est parfait.. » I compliment, stepping back to get a better view.

I open my mouth to say something else- but I'm startled by a loud car horn, it almost makes my eardrums explode. I shut my eyes tightly, not reacting fast enough to cover my ears properly.

"What the fuck.." I mumble, looking to my left. An obviously aggravated expression on my face, because who the hell thought that was a good idea?

“Jude! Get out of your mom’s car, please!” I exclaim, seeing him stand at the driver’s door.

The man couldn’t even drive, but got to choose a car for himself?

Not even that- he also chose the most expensive model worth more than a hundred thousand euros?

Life is so unfair.

“You’re standing in the way!” He exclaims, walking around to sit in the passenger seat. Another staff member comes over to drive him around the parking lot.

I give him a nasty look, stepping aside and looking back at Aurélien.

“Why don’t you join him?” He suggests, an obvious smirk on his face.

“What? Why would I do that?” I ask, raising my brows and folding my arms defensively.

“You know- nice car and fun drive..” He trails off, glancing at the moving car.

“I would feel like I’m in danger without him even being the driver..” I state, shielding my eyes from the sun with my hand.

He chuckles, as if to mock the fear for my safety. I shrug it off, looking behind me to see where Luis is.

“Come on- get in the car and I’ll get Luis to do a little video..” I usher, walking away to get Luis.

The entire shoot takes us about an hour before we’re finally done. I quickly bid farewell and thank fellow staff members for their hard work before jumping into my car.

I go to start my car, looking up to see where Luis is. I roll my windows down, letting some fresh air into the car, hoping he’ll be here quickly.

“No- it’s just annoying because I’m trying to do my job properly and I’m getting the craziest stares. Like, does having a conversation with someone mean we’re married with three kids and a chihuahua?!” I exclaim, looking at Amira on FaceTime.

“And you attended his match, and you wore his name on your shirt and spoke to his family and-"

I cut her off with a loud groan, rubbing my eyes in irritation.

“You’re the one who set me up!”

“I thought you already knew it was his shirt! Should I have worn Jude’s while you wore Trent’s?” She defends herself, a smirk forming on her lips.

I shake my head, dropping my pencil on the table.

I had been studying all day and had stopped the instant Amira called me.

“The way I can’t even get mad at anyone about this- ugh..” I complain, shifting in my chair.

“And those follow requests are so annoying..”

I grumble, totally aware of the fact that I had been complaining about literally every single thing and then some.

“Girl, if you set your account on public again and accept those followers..”

“What? I’m going to clout chase being that douche's fake girlfriend?”

“Obviously?”

“I have to take over my dad’s firm one day, and you want me to be known for dating my coworker?”

“Too late-"

I stop paying attention to what she’s saying when the front door opens, my gaze moving to see my dad walking in.

“I’m going to call you back later.” I mutter to Amira, waving at her until she hangs up.

I close my laptop, standing up to walk over to the door.

“Hey, dad- you’re late.” I say, grabbing his laptop bag off of him.

“I had a lot of work to review. Did you have dinner?” He asks, hanging his coat up on the coat rack.

“I had some of the food auntie Carmen made. You?”

“We all had dinner in the office. Everyone has been going home late these days.” He says, washing his hands in the kitchen sink before loosening his tie.

“With what?” I ask, setting his laptop bag on the table, prying into his business.

“Can’t say, but- don’t you think you need to tell me something?” He suddenly asks, turning to me.

I freeze, looking at him with wide eyes.

What the hell would I be hiding from him?

“Uh- no? I’m not sure what you’re talking about?” I state, scratching my nape in confusion.

“Are you sure?” He presses on, coming to hold onto my shoulders.

“I’m sure. What am I supposed to hide from you?” I ask, getting rather defensive, a frown forming in between my brows as I keep staring at him.

He notices my irritation, letting go of my shoulders and holding his hands up in surrender.

“Okay- I understand. Don’t get all angry at me..” He says, smiling.

“I’m not angry- just confused..”

“Forget I asked- How was work? How about you tell me about that instead?”

I purse my lips, looking down at my laptop.

“Alright, the players got new cars, so we had to do a shoot for BMW..” I mutter, fiddling with my notebook.

“You look so down, y/n. What? Are you jealous? I got you your new Audi less than two years ago..”

“What do you mean, dad? I love that car, would not exchange an Audi for a BMW- I have some car knowledge.” I state, my expression changing as I explain to him.

“That’s right! Come to me when you really want to change your car. I’ll call up some people I know.”

I make my way towards the printer, looking for the documents I had sent over to be copied a couple hours ago. Finding them, I quickly read them through to confirm the pages are complete, until I’m stopped by Hugo.

“Are you ready for El Classico week?” He asks, making a copy of something.

Most people, as in football fans, would say an El Classico is a match you shouldn’t miss. The long-standing rivalry between the two clubs was always interesting to watch, and I would definitely agree a hundred percent-

Only, if it didn’t mean we had to ensure our match posts, interviews, and statements were properly prepared and triple-checked and approved days leading up to the match.

Of course, I loved watching the game- but the way it exhausted literally everyone involved was no fun.

What made it harder was the fact that we had a whole Champions League match to worry about first. To sum it all up, no one was getting sleep for the next two weeks.

“Yeah, just really busy with preparations.” I reply, folding the corner of the documents.

“Good luck, we’ve all been having sleepless nights. It will be worth it in the end- you’ve experienced this before. Just keep on doing what you always do.”

I nod in acknowledgment, smiling at him.

“You’re right, we will put our best foot forward.” I give him a thumbs up, chuckling.

“Good- I’ll see you at lunch. Work hard!” He encourages, patting my shoulder before leaving with his printed papers.

I sigh in relief when he leaves, making my way up to my desk. I place the documents on the table, before running down to the pitch. Having to finish some last-minute recording of the match preparations.

I walk over to the pitch, training is already in full motion, and I notice Luis already there. I look around for any other staff members, only seeing the creepy guy I ran into weeks ago standing across the pitch.

The guy was a walking, real-life jumpscare at this point. I’d only run into him at random moments, and the way he’d look at me had my heart leaping into my throat.

“You’re late.” Luis complains, bringing me out of my thoughts, fiddling with a black cable.

“Did those two minutes kill you?” I ask, sighing, and look at the players who were training.

“Of boredom, yes..” He replies, and I notice the small- very slight compliment in his words. A smile forming on my face as I chuckle.

“We would’ve been absolutely fucked if Kepa didn’t save that one..” I mutter, insanely stressed, as I eye the scoreboard in the Lluís Companys Olympic Stadium. A temporary stadium FC Barcelona had been using for this season.

“Don’t say that- you have no trust in this team whatsoever..” Luis complains, looking up at me.

“Who will score?” I ask, we loved guessing who would score and assist goals during every match.

“Jude.” He immediately says, not hesitating one bit.

“No- I’m guessing Vinicius..” I say, eyes darting back to my laptop screen.

“I will be right- just watch..”

“It’s his second El Classico and his first in season one. What is he going-” I immediately stop talking when I notice a chance to score, my hands tangle into my shirt as I see how much space there is to score.

I gasp, and my jaw slacks open when Jude scores an absolute screamer, which I’d obviously never admit to him.

“I told you!” Luis screams, celebrating like it’s his birthday. I scoff, secretly happy we were put out of our 0-1 misery, and search for the draft I’m supposed to publish.

A couple minutes pass, it’s almost full time, and extra time is finally announced. The away side is full of Madridistas, all sitting on the edge of their seats until Luca kicks the ball towards Jude and GOAL!

The away side celebrates happily, with another El Classico win in our pocket. I quickly manage and do what I have to do, before we both get up to go back inside.

I was both delighted and annoyed at the fact that we won. Of course, it’s always amazing to win a match like this, especially when we were doing so well this season. Also because it’s Luca’s 500th match, and an assist is pretty amazing to pull off on a day like this.

The only thing making me have bitter feelings was the fact that I had to interview Jude today. Normally, Man Of The Match interviews with him were already horrific to experience. An elaborate interview with him, after I’d been avoiding him like the plague, wasn’t necessarily something I would want to do.

“Can you go first? I’ve got to pee really badly..” I say to Luis, placing my bag down and running towards the restroom. Finishing my business up quickly and washing my hands thoroughly.

I look around me for a bit, knowing that sometimes players would use these restrooms as well. I had heard about instances where the players of the opposite team had raged against our team’s staff members. Which definitely had me watching my back in moments like these.

I had interacted with some players of FC Barcelona, and they hadn’t been disrespectful so far.

Thus, I’m not too fazed when the door to the restroom opens. I look up as a sweaty and tired Ferran Tores walks in.

We make immediate eye contact, and I nod in greeting, shooting him a quick ‘hello' before pulling some paper towels from the dispenser to dry my hands.

He seems to be seething in anger, so I break eye contact, looking away.

“This is a staff bathroom, are you aware of that?”

He suddenly says, water splashing from the faucet as he begins washing his face.

“Sorry?” I question, wondering what he’s getting at.

“Not for girlfriends.” He mutters, turning the faucet off.

My face twists into one of confusion, the words throwing me for a loop. Seems like he notices, and he opens his mouth again.

“You’re Bellingham’s girl, aren’t you? This is the staff restroom.” He enunciates every single word as if I’m a kindergartner, it makes me freeze for a second.

I struggle to stop myself from reacting thoughtlessly, not knowing if I should be crying or laughing.

My hand reaches for my staff badge hanging from my neck, waving it in front of his face.

“Do I look like a girlfriend?” I ask, dropping my badge and stepping out before he can apologize.

Asshole, losing doesn’t give you the right to be so damn rude.

How could I even get rid of these stupid fucking rumors?

“Okay, smile!” I exclaim, holding Luis’s camera up to take a photo of the squad. With the happiness of winning an El Classico and the celebration of Luca's milestone came a lot of excitement and enthusiasm.

I hold back a chuckle at the sight of Aurélien laying on the floor, instructing some of them to move a bit for a better shot.

We take multiple photos together, staff members taking photos with the squad while I force them to stand in front of the camera.

“y/n, come here, and we’ll take a picture!” Antonio urges, snatching the camera off of me and pushing me to stand in front of the camera.

I feel myself being pushed, until I find myself almost pressing into Jude’s side.

I curse to myself, forcing an awkward smile as I pose next to everyone.

“What? Surely, you don’t think I bite?” Jude whispers, his arm dropping to his side.

“Please, shut up and pose. We still have that interview, so don’t start now..” I mutter between a clenched smile, pretending I’m not fazed.

I hear a soft chuckle, a mocking and breathy ‘sure’ leaving his mouth.

It gives me shivers down my spine, and I fight the urge to step on his shoe, focusing on posing instead.

This will be a long, long interview..

“You should’ve told me you’re leaving.” I mumble, mouth full of cereal and milk.

“Sorry, been so busy, didn’t even come to mind.” My dad says, walking around the house as he gets ready for work.

“Where is that blue tie I just got?” He shouts from his room.

“I ironed it! It’s in the bottom drawer!” I shout, scrolling through my messages.

“Got it!”

I hum, chugging the leftover milk in my bowl before standing up from the dining table.

“When are you going? Will you be gone for long?” I ask, watching him put the tie on in his bedroom.

“This weekend. It’s a crucial case, so I’ll be back when it’s totally over. Don’t get up to mischief. I know how you get when you’re home alone.” He points, giving me a stern look.

“Yeah, sure, I will plan a house party or two..” I joke, but it doesn’t land as he continues staring me down.

“Okay! I will be a responsible adult and call you or auntie Carmen when something happens..”

“Good, I’m leaving to get to work. Will you be back on time for dinner?” He says, grabbing his paperwork and laptop bag.

“Yeah, can we order in tonight?” I give him a pleading look, walking him out.

“You know I can’t deny my daughter happiness in the form of burgers and fries...”

#jude bellingham #jude bellingham x reader #jude x reader #jude bellingham imagine #real madrid fc #jude bellingham fanfic #footballer x reader #football imagines #football fanfic #football #football imagine #bellingham x reader #real madrid

[babytarttdoodoo]

The team somehow find out about what Jamie’s dad did in Amsterdam and are horrified/furious.

I’m skipping ahead to write this one because it won’t leave my brain alone. I apologise to all readers for the pain this is about to inflict.

If it makes you feel better, I am not okay after writing it.

It will also be in multiple parts since I really feel like the Reveal and the Reaction are things that need separate room to breathe.

Part 1 | Part 2 | Part 3 (pending)

(Prompt Fill Masterpost)

—

It came down to the timing, really.

Every locker room Jamie had ever been in had worked its way around to this topic sooner or later. Especially in the Academy, where the typical teenaged obsession with ‘who had done it’ reigned supreme.

Jamie had never had a problem with it. He’d shrugged or laughed or lied and no one ever called him out. He was Jamie Fucking Tartt, after all.

He’d never had to breathe a word about Amsterdam.

Telling Roy had been a spur of the moment decision, and one that hadn’t really bothered him at the time. It hadn’t fundamentally altered their friendship or made Roy tiptoe around him (thank fuck).

But his reaction - Jesus. Must have been traumatising. - had played on Jamie’s mind. So much so that when his talks with Dr Sharon had broached the subject of ‘intimacy’, he thought it was probably worth bringing up.

Yeah. That conversation had gone a bit differently.

And now, here Jamie was, two days into processing his freshly unpacked trauma and his teammates were cheerfully regaling each other with stories about losing their virginity.

Fan-fucking-tastic.

“It was my last night before flying out here.” Sam was telling the group, a sweet, bashful smile on his face.

“Didn’t know you’d had a girlfriend back home.” Isaac chimed in.

“We had already decided to break up, instead of doing the whole long-distance thing,” Sam explained. “It was a nice way to say goodbye, though.”

There was a general sound of agreement and Richard took the opportunity to launch into a questionable story about charming a runway model at the ripe age of 17.

Jamie just continued getting changed in silence, letting the voices wash over him and trying not to let the sudden nausea show on his face. Removing his jersey felt like a Herculean task when all he wanted to do was get the fuck out of here.

Sam’s experience sounded like something out of one of Ted’s rom-coms. That was good. That’s what someone as nice as Sam deserved.

What had Jamie deserved, then?

He quickly cut off that line of thought. He didn’t want to do this. He didn’t want to think about it. Not here. Not now.

It was like trying to cover up an open wound when everyone else had a morbid impulse to poke at it.

A ripple of laughter pulled him back to the room and set his teeth on edge. He pulled a fresh shirt over his head and tried to breathe through the swelling, pulsating anger and shame that threatened to surface.

It was utter bullshit. He hadn’t thought about what had happened with anything more than vague disgust and detachment for years. A whole decade, even. Fuck Dr Sharon and Roy and all these giggling idiots for changing that.

“Oi, you’ve gone quiet, Jamie.”

A few curious eyes turned in his direction and the only thing that stopped him from shrinking away was years of playing at being untouchable.

Instead, Jamie scoffed and plastered on a smile, hiding his fists in his clothes and digging his nails as deep into his palms as they would go. “Eh, a gentleman never tells, mate.”

But he had hesitated a second too long and he saw the potential for mischief light up in a few faces. They knew him too well, he realised, the knowledge churning in his gut.

He wasn’t Jamie Fucking Tartt here. He was just Jamie.

“You are not a gentleman.” Richard stated bluntly, eyebrows raised and a grin playing at the corners of his mouth.

“That is true.” Jan agreed, because of course he fucking did. “You have bragged many times about being with women.”

“What happened, amigo?” It wasn’t fucking fair that Dani sounded so genuinely interested.

“Maybe she didn’t like his pink pants.” Isaac threw in and it drew another round of laughter. The noise echoed in Jamie’s head.

He knew, he knew they were just teasing because they didn’t know better. They were being dickheads because they were always kind of dickheads to each other. It was banter. On any other day it would be fine.

His neon underwear had nearly caused a riot the week before and it had been hilarious.

Why couldn’t he just act like it was funny now?

“It’s none of your fucking business.” he finally managed, not quite keeping the harsh edge out of his tone. He turned away and pretended to be looking for something in his bag so he wouldn’t have to meet anyone’s eyes.

“C’mon, mate, can’t be more embarrassing than mine.” Colin added easily, utterly comfortable with the conversation, in spite of all the implications it had for him specifically. Jamie really fucking admired that.

He was ridiculously, fiercely envious of it.

“Guys, he doesn’t have to talk about it if he doesn’t want to.” Sam admonished lightly. He was offering him a liferaft and it rankled at Jamie in all the wrong ways.

He didn’t need fucking saving. He wasn’t some soft, delicate little thing that needed Sam Obisanya of all people rushing to his rescue.

Suddenly, he was speaking without having made any conscious decision to do so.

“14.” Jamie’s voice was too loud, too sharp in this safe space that on any other day felt like home. But his fingers were clenching and unclenching, and his shoulders were coiled tight, and there was a rushing in his ears.

The vitriol pooled like acid on his tongue and Jamie couldn’t help but spew it out before it began to eat him away.

“I were 14.” He smirked and it felt wrong. It felt cruel and bitter. He rounded on Colin and relished in the flicker of unease that crossed his face. “No fucking idea how old she were but I can tell you how much my dad paid for her to fuck me straight.”

The silence should have been oppressive, he thought distantly. The way the air stilled should have made it hard to breathe. The colour leaching from not just Colin’s face, but Jan’s and Richard’s on either side, should have been concerning.

It just felt freeing, in a twisted, emptying sort of way.

“Jamie-”

“No! No, it’s alright!” Jamie turned wild eyes and a manic grin on Sam, finding it abstractly funny that the younger player took a step back. “You wanted details, right?”

He shrugged, looking around at the slack faces of his teammates. He’d moved forward, he realised, making himself the centre of attention. Typical.

“Tell you what, yeah? Next time we’re in Amsterdam, I’ll take you all on a little tour. Don’t remember her name but I’m pretty sure I could find the place again, no problem.”

And he probably could. He remembered his dad talking to some bloke smoking in a doorway while Jamie stood in the rain, confused. He remembered loud people and neon lights all around. He remembered how the place had smelled when he’d been pulled inside…

Someone else was saying his name now. He didn’t care. He just got louder.

“You wanted a show, didn’t you Thierry? We could put on a repeat performance. Play-by-play reenactment, ‘cept you’ve got to think I can do better now, right? Better with age and all that.”

Arms closed around him from behind and whatever vile shit he was about to spray out into the atmosphere died in his throat. Jamie’s entire body bucked, trying to break away.

“Fuck off!”

It didn’t sound like his voice, a screeching snarl that cracked partway through.

“Jamie.” Roy’s voice in his ear. Roy’s arms around his chest. “Jamie. Stop. Don’t make it worse.”

And what response was there to that except to laugh? Fucking hilarious, that one. Too little too fucking late.

Jamie only registered that he was being half pulled, half carried out of the locker room when the laughter started to hitch in his chest. When the air wasn’t coming like it was supposed to. When Roy manhandled him into an office chair and the tears started in earnest.

All the fight went out of him like a marionette with its strings cut and he just cried.

(TBC)

#legitimately had to go for a walk in the rain after writing this #jamie tartt #fic prompts #my fic #ted lasso #afc richmond

[clegfly]

OMORI and colour- an analysis

hey, so this is a post I’ve been wanting to make for a while and never got round to doing, but here I am.

Something I noticed in OMORI and have continued to notice throughout the game is the symbolism between colours and characters, and what they say about their relationships or their mannerisms, because there’s actually a LOT there, more than I expected.

keep in mind this is a pretty basic analysis and I’m sure there’s much more to be discovered, but I haven’t fully learned everything there is to know about colour theory and so this isn’t really my field of knowledge, I just wanted to share my findings.

also, spoilers ahead, so beware!

Filling in the wheel

This is a basic colour wheel, and the model I will be referring to throughout this analysis.

in OMORI, and even in external items outside of the game like merchandise each of the main cast are associated with a specific colour.

for example, SUNNY is associated commonly with yellow throughout the game. Here’s a small chart I made to keep track of my references…

I’m sure there’s more but here’s what I’ve got.

so now we know where sunny stands on the colour wheel, in the yellow region.

the rest of the cast can be easily identified on the wheel- KEL clearly falls into orange, HERO clearly falls into blue, MARI clearly falls into purple, BASIL clearly falls into green and AUBREY clearly falls into pink.

But wait, that’s not the complete wheel.

you’ll notice AUBREY’s positioning differs from the rest of the group, and that’s because I’ve specifically put HEADSPACE AUBREY in that section. Where REAL WORLD AUBREY actually falls is on the red segment of the wheel as that colour is better associated with her emotional state and also slots her better into place on the wheel.

So that means the rest of these midtones represent the rest of the HEADSPACE counterparts, right?

You’ll notice one more blank space, but let’s put that one aside for now. We’ll fill it in later. For now let’s begin to focus on the relationships between these segments on the wheel.

Complementary colours

Complementary colours are defined as “pairs of colours which, when combined or mixed, cancel each other out (lose hue) by producing a grayscale color like white or black. When placed next to each other, they create the strongest contrast for those two colors. Complementary colours may also be called "opposite colours"”.

in other words, these colours complement each other, and are paired together as they are the most striking next to one another. They are opposites, but belong together.

so, who do we have complementing on our OMORI wheel?

Now, this is quite complicated to look at but I’m going to use what I think is probably the most important relationship in the game and use it as an example.

MARI is commonly associated with purple throughout the game, so much so that it’s constantly in our faces. The main colour for SUNNY’s headspace where he escapes the tragedy of what happened to her is purple, AUBREY laments about a lost promise of dying their hair purple and pink together, MARI gets a grape flavoured (purple) popsicle in one of the photos in BASIL’s album, etc. she’s very clearly shown to be “purple”symbolically throughout the game, no question there.

and as for SUNNY, as we’ve gone over earlier, he is represented by yellow.

so when we reference our colour wheel once having placed these two in their respective spots, what do we see?

MARI and SUNNY complement one another.

And we see this consistently for other key or contrasting relationships through the game. HERO and KEL complement both in the REAL WORLD and HEADSPACE, and so do AUBREY AND BASIL.

They are shown to complement each other, when placed with their associated colours on the wheel.

so, what about STRANGER? Who does he complement with? After all the segment opposing him is empty.

I feel as though there’s only one answer which makes sense for the game.

OMORI complements STRANGER and STRANGER complements OMORI.

but, for OMORI, this seems out of character. The character itself is typically associated with black to represent the repression of the truth and also the darkness behind his actions to keep SUNNY guarded from the truth, so this warm colour feels out of place.

but looking deeper into the symbolism, I disagree. Orange itself represents liveliness, optimism, and enthusiasm, which I think represents HEADSPACE. However red, while associated with anger for AUBREY, is more commonly associated with danger and most importantly sacrifice.

As well as this, this specific hue shows to carry more of a red pigment than an orange.

so I believe this can represent this distracting and overwhelming joy of HEADSPACE whilst having great sinister undertones just Millimeters beneath the surface, something very fitting for OMORI as he’s portrayed in the game. (Side note: I don’t think OMORI is evil, by the way. I’m talking about his actions and portrayal in contrast to HEADSPACE, nor his intentions. I view OMORI more as a robotic kind of character than anything but that’s an analysis for another day.)

so, in conclusion, there’s a lot to be told from this wheel. Here’s a finished polished version for anyone who wants to use it, including some extra notes I didn’t discuss here. If there is anything at all you want me to elaborate on or go more in depth into, or just neglected to discuss at all, please let me know! Thank you for reading!

(PS also open for criticism on the wheel- especially if you know more about colour theory than me! I don’t go into much detail about what each colour association represents within the characters themselves here so that may be for another post)

#omori #omori analysis #omori mari #omori sunny #omori basil #omori hero #omori kel #omori aubrey #omori game #colour theory #omori stranger #omori character

[its-time-to-write]

ch. 1 - hustling for the good life

please never let me write a series again. if I say i’m going to, please remind me that it’s the worst and i’ll hate myself for it. anyway, here it is and yeah, i got self conscious about it. uhh also Jamie doesn’t show up till chapter 2.

table of contents

cowboy like me

Getting from the car to the hotel lobby should not be this challenging. It’s not even that far a distance, but the moment your car pulls up to the doors, you understand that this is going to take a lot of pushing, shoving, and flashing cameras.

“How’d they even know I was going to be here?” you ask your assistant-turned-best-friend Natalie.

She grimaces. “I was kind of trying to keep this from you, but your new makeup artist has been leaking your location. That’s why it’s been hell the past week or so.”

You groan and say, “Shit, and she was so nice, too! Who would’ve thought?”

Natalie shrugs. “I had my suspicions from the beginning. Gotta tell you, it was hard fucking work catching her in the act without you knowing.”

You smile and pinch Natalie’s arm affectionately. “This is why you’re the best, Nat. You’re always fighting a losing battle against my anxiety.”

She grins back and says, “You ready to brave the paps? Be warned, they’re going to be particularly vicious.”

“Obviously,” you reply. “They’re probably all wondering why I don’t have a ring on my finger.”

Natalie makes an ick noise and says, “I, for one, am glad you don’t. I think I’d have to quit if you married him.”

You laugh as your door opens and your bodyguard begins to usher you inside. You’re glad you’re not marrying him either.

—

Fame is weird because it pretty much means your entire job is based on other people’s perception of you. They never have any idea what’s actually going on, and if the people decide they don’t like you, you’re done. You like to keep your personal life, well, pretty personal. That means social media accounts run by a publicist, a secret apartment, large sunglasses, tinted windows, and a fuck-ton of coffee.

Your last three relationships had all been for publicity and you didn’t mind so much, but it was odd. There was an actor, a guitarist, and (most recently) a model. They were all incredibly sweet, which you understand is a rarity. Fake relationships have the tendency to run sour, but they were just genuinely kind people. 

The last one, the model, had commented on your ability to detach one night. He specifically noted how you could fake a sparkle in your eyes, the kind that you’re only supposed to have when you’re really in love. You had laughed and patted his cheek, and told him that you didn’t want to be in love. It’s easy to fake something you don’t truly desire because there’s no underlying pain in your eyes.

The actor and guitarist had said similar things, the actor in particular telling you that you should consider switching which business you were in. You just grinned and told him some lyrics for a the song you’d release when you two broke up.

Love is a hassle. You don’t need it. You’ll take your nice car over an open heart any day.

—

It’s late but not too late as you and Natalie lay on the giant bed in your room, face masks on and glass of wine in hand.

“I still don’t understand why you won’t even keep ten percent of your new EP,” she says as you absently watch the show on the TV. “You’re making so much off it, that it wouldn’t make a difference.”

You shake your head. “Mango was always going to be for that charity,” you reply. “It doesn’t make sense that I would tell their stories and then profit off it. It’s their album, I was just the execution.”

Natalie raises an eyebrow as she says, “But no one knows what it’s about. Or that you’re the one donating all that money. Honestly, I’m shocked that no one in that entire organization has figured out what’s happening yet.”

“Well, I think Christine probably has an idea,” you laugh. “She always could see right through me. And the girls I talked to promised to keep it to themselves. You know, they each get a percentage too.”

Natalie nods. “I know,” she says. “I understand your vision, I really do. I just need to check in with you every now and then, so I know you understand what you’re doing.”

“I do,” you reply. “I really do.”

—

Mango was a one-off EP you created after becoming financially involved with an organization specializing in helping women escape domestic violence. A little heavy for someone whose songs were best listened to on a sunny day, but you needed something real. You hated the way you felt separate from real people and Christine, your point of contact, had given you a lifeline. Your money now had use, beyond buying loved ones houses and cars and whatever else they could possibly want. You didn’t want to become publicly involved, and the whole company was great with keeping you anonymous. You’d talked to so many women who had stories of love turned rotten, and the hope they’d been able to find. 

You wrote a few songs about some of them, supposed to be a personal gift for those who had touched you.

It was Claire, the one who had told you the story that inspired Mango, who said you should release it.

You’d protested at first but the other girls caught wind of Claire’s vendetta and pushed you into it as well. 

Natalie helped you put your vision to paper, and contracts were written so the money Mango made would go to its true visionaries.

It was satisfying in a way that no other album had been.

It had depth, it was personal, it was upbeat but in a real way, and it had a strange sadness laced throughout each track.

You came across a tweet that said, I don’t know why I’m crying to Kitchen Epiphany, but it’s 3am and I can’t stop sobbing. 

That’s exactly what you wanted. Nothing is explicitly sad in the song, it’s actually one of the most sunny songs on the EP, but still. There was something that people could feel, could connect to.

You think that feeling is better than any type of love.

—

The trip to London is another PR thing. “Blue Glass singer/songwriter spotted in London on the heels of breakup with model ex,” said one newspaper. 

“Mango artist has let her man go,” said another.

“I think they could have done better with that pun,” Natalie remarks. You giggle. 

“I don’t give a shit, as long as they’re buying what I’m selling. It’s just nice to be out of America for a little bit.”

Natalie squints at her phone and says, “You know you’re here for work, right? You have that interview in an hour, plus we have a party tonight. You don’t have to pretend to be sad for this one, apparently you’re supposed to move on quick and act like you’re ‘happy, single, and unburdened.’”

You’re not sure who exactly she’s quoting, but you’re pretty sure she’s reading some message from someone in charge of your image. They don’t do a bad job, but they could do better.

—

The interview is good, done by a sweet girl who asks interesting questions about aesthetics and personal projects, things a little different from your normal interviews. 

You head back to the hotel and figure out what you’re going to wear to this party, some football thing, while Natalie laments her inability to wear slippers.

“I mean, don’t get me wrong,” she says as she rummages through her makeup bag, “I fucking love the way heels look. But my feet are absolutely ruined and I just want to wear something comfortable for once.”

You hold up an ice-blue dress to the mirror. “You should just do it, Nat. It’s not like anyone’s actually going to care. I sure as hell don’t give a shit.”

Natalie’s head shoots up to look at you. “Are you serious? Please tell me you are. If you say I can, I’m totally not wearing real shoes.”

You decide to wear the dress and say, “Natalie Herrera, you can do whatever your heart desires. I literally could not care less.”

She squeals and says, “Oh my god, ok, ok, I’m going to the shops right now and I’m going to buy a cute pair. Oh my god, I’m so excited.”

“If you find a really good pair, get me some too,” you call after her, “I want some to wear around the room.”

table of contents

#jamie tartt x reader #jamie tartt fanfiction #jamie tartt imagine #jamie tartt x y/n #jamie tartt x you #jamie tartt #ted lasso

[csuitebitches]

Book Review: Book 1: Stop People Pleasing (a 9-part series by Patrick King, “Be Confident and Fearless.”)

I’m reading a 9-part series by Patrick King, “Be Confident and Fearless.” His books talk about becoming assertive, saying no, not people pleasing anymore and being confident. Generally, such books are quite generic but I found his take on the subject interesting. His techniques to handle certain situations seem to be quite doable too. His techniques have been highlighted in bold.

Book One: “Stop People Pleasing”

A people-pleaser is worried about rejection. They have a need, as we all do, to be accepted and treasured—to be loved. But in people-pleasers, this need is amplified to the extent that they will bend over backward just to not lose that love or acceptance. This is more invalidating than giving an honest opinion.

-

In reality, people-pleasers continued promises and inaction just tick their friends off, as it becomes apparent that they are willing to be dishonest and only say what people want to hear.

-

They’re not really doing what they do to improve someone else’s life—they just want to feel more positive about themselves.

-

Living under the limitations of our own viewpoint, we tend to think everyone in our circle is looking at and judging how we look and behave. At most, maybe a couple of people are paying attention to most of your moves, and they’re likely people you’re already close to who are supposed to know you better than anyone else.

-

When you’re so consumed with the perceived needs of others, you’re not paying yourself any attention. You could be overlooking or ignoring things you need to do to take care of yourself.

-

Avoiding confrontation for fear that it might only make things worse ironically results in the very outcomes it’s meant to deflect. The absence of confrontations doesn’t mean your relationship is all healthy, and the presence of confrontations doesn’t mean your relationship has gone to the dogs.

-

The BLUE model is a specific CBT strategy developed by PracticeWise to help counter negative thinking. BLUE is an acronym that stands for the kind of extremely negative thoughts you should recognize in yourself when they do pop into your head. “B” stands for blaming myself, “L” is looking for bad news, “U” means unhappy guessing, and “E” represents exaggeratedly negative thoughts.

-

What many people-pleasers fail to see is that sacrificing so much of themselves in pursuit of serving everyone else around them is sabotaging their very capacity to continue being there for others when it truly matters.

-

Rejecting an invite is not the same as rejecting your friend and that prioritizing your own peace of mind by just settling into a restful weekend is totally okay.

-

Ask yourself, “What are the things I do to be happy?” or “What are the core beliefs I have about my worth as a person?”

-

Exposure therapy is the process of deliberately placing yourself in situations that cause you fear and anxiety. You’ll need to immerse yourself in your feared situations in a gradual and progressive manner, starting from situations that cause the least anxiety and later advancing to those that cause the most intense feelings of fear.

-

Creating your fear hierarchy. The fear hierarchy is an ordered list of situations that elicit your fears and anxieties.

-

The first habit we must develop is the habit of self-awareness. We don’t understand why we people-please, and we’re not aware when we’re doing it.

This begins with questioning the motives for your actions: “Why exactly am I going out of my way for this person?” “Do I genuinely care for them, or am I just afraid of what might happen without them?” “Would I be doing this out of free will, or am I doing it for someone else?”

Take note of the moment you’re starting to feel internal resistance. When that happens, stop everything and question why you’re doing it.

-

The second habit to cultivate is the habit of personal autonomy. An autonomous person knows what they truly believe and why they believe it. But the differences that you’ve valued your own opinion over that of others. Or you’ve at least valued it equally and not by habit put your own opinion as inferior to that of others.

-

That’s why it’s important to get into the habit of expressing yourself honestly. The more you communicate where you stand, the more people will know where you’re coming from (and what your limits are). After all, people can’t read minds, and to expect others to know what you want is an impossible task.

-

Remain strong under pressure. When you stop people-pleasing, you will face some angry reactions. It’s not necessarily their fault because you have conditioned their expectations. But this is where you must not fold under pressure, like you previously would have. It only takes five seconds of extreme willpower, and it gets easier every time thereafter.

-

How to set boundaries:

1. Determine your core values

2. Change yourself and only yourself. You dont control other people

3. Set consequences of someone else breaking your boundaries. Write down the boundaries you have, the actions others might take that trespass those boundaries, and exactly what you will do when they’ve violated your boundaries.

4. Communicate your boundaries to others in very exact terms. Make sure everybody’s very, very clear on what your limits are.

-

If you tell yourself “I can’t,” you’re simply reminding yourself of the limitations you’ve set for yourself. You’re creating a feedback loop in your brain that tells you that you can’t do something that you would normally want to do.

When you tell yourself “I don’t,” you’re creating a feedback loop that reminds you of your power and control of the situation. You’ve given yourself a line in the sand that takes the situation out of your hands. Your choice was premade to say no and thus you can stick to it more easily.

#c suite #powerful woman #ceo aesthetic #personal growth #that girl #productivity #strong women #getting your life together #feminine energy #balance #books #patrick king #book review #people pleaser #people pleasing #can’t say no #boundaries #setting boundaries #tips #tricks #techniques

[quitealotofsodapop]

[Wukong: "Then we would have shared that furnace. And we'd be two idiots chained beneath the mountain together."]

Hmmm…I am not a hundred percent sure, but I think when SWK was in the furnace – he was reduced to ash, more than once, he just regenerated each time it happened. And considering he had to have been like 5 times immortal by then…I really doubt Macaque would have survived the furnace. SWK would just be trapped in there with the ashes of his friend/mate.

Although, now I have the image of SWK collecting the ashes and carrying them around in a jar/vase/something and still treating it like Macaque is alright – “Oh, look, Mihou, think we should try that?” – like something between a comfort item and a security blanket, but his mind not dealing with his LEMs death well to a point he’s just…like that. Still himself, but broken in a way.

Tripitaka thought he would be in over his head with the Monkey King being his protector – but the stone monkey clearly not coping well at all with a dead friend and treating their ashes as if still alive…Man’s praying for wisdom every chance he gets.

Referencing a line from my post about Wukong's stage fright.

Thats an extremely sad concept and a great idea for an angst au. It brings the idea of how Monkey (representing the Mind) handles legitimate grief. Him having a Mary Shelley-esque co-dependance on his past mate's ashes is 100% in character for SWK. He clings to the vessel containing Mac's ashes like Guanyin to her vase, rarely if ever putting it down.

I imagine the vase/vessel/urn resembles like those found in Chinese dig sites, but instead of the Imperial Palace, it is topped with a model of Flower Fruit Mountain.

Tripitaka/Tang Sanzang can sympathise with the pain of losing someone dear. In Journey to the West, he sets out to retrieve the scriptures after losing his mother + solving his dad's murder (and thats after being separated from them since and before birth). He's going through his own form of unhealthy grief, similar to his attitude in "The Great Tang Man"; he doesn't want to get close to anyone because he fears losing another loved one. But he sees that Monkey is refusing to accept that someone he cared for is gone, and wishes to find wisdom to help them both.

Zhu Bajie and Sha Wujing are also sympathetic, but a little unnerved by Wukong's obsession. Bajie was a witness to Wukong's Havoc in Heaven, and knows that the Six Eared Macaque fell to the Furnace when his king did not. He's the one to yell at Wukong when he's annoyed by the monkey's chattering to the ash vessel. Wujing is the one to gently suggest ways to include Macaque's memory in healthier ways, and frequently helps Wukong with tasks when the monkey refuses to put down the vessel. Wujing knows how important those things are.

The one who understands the most though, is Ao Lie. He witnessed how his family went nuts in the aftermath of Ao Bing's death. The ones who grieved loudly and silently. The pain that rebounded onto Nezha and his family. Ao Lie was quite young when the death occurred, and always felt like he was on "the outside" of what was happening. He understands that this is the way Sun Wukong choses to process what has happened to Macaque. Ao Lie feels no place to correct him on it - and just understanding Wukong's pain is enough to help the monkey heal even if it takes years.

Wukong in this AU would be far more hesistant to kill his mortal opponents. He knows that even the strongest warrior may fall to ruin. And that the most hated Kings have someone who will mourn their loss. Sometimes his personality of an unhealthly-grieving widower is enough for some threats to back off. Even a demon knows that it is shameful to harass someone who is mourning.

I imagine the most shocked of their encounters would be the monkeys former allies...

Azure: "Sun Wukong? I thought you threw your lot in with the Heavenly Host. Following the beck and call of the Tang Monk." SWK: "I have. But I figured me and Mihou should pay you guys a visit." Peng: "The Six Eared Macaque? So he has survived the Furnace. No doubt he slunk away into the shadows once the lid rose. Where is that coward hiding now?" SWK: "He isn't hiding. He's been here the whole time." (SWK pats the vessel in his arms) The Brotherhood, all realising: "OH." ( ;O_O) (O_O;) ( `−ㅿ−´) Yellow Tusk: "...I believe the Six Eared Macaque has sacrificed the most for our cause. We should show him and Sun Wukong some hospitality, and listen to their tales of travel." Azure, creeped out: "Agreed."

Others like DBK and PIF would also be in mourning. But I could see them almost finding Wukong's behavior romantic. After all, they don't know what they would do if the other had died in battle.

I feel like instead of a "Macaque Chapter" where Wukong encounters his doppleganger while him and Tripitaka aren't on good terms; it's Wukong becoming frustrated with the others' worrying and comments and wanting to prove that theres a way Macaque still lives. And if it involves harassing the Heavens, the Underworld, or the Buddha himself then he'll try.

Perhaps the crux of his Journey is SWK deciding to let go and release Mac's ashes (likely at Flower Fruit Mountain) and learning healthier ways to honor Mac's memory. Or perhaps requesting that the Buddha reunite them - whether as a revival, in death, or in the next life...

BUT ALSO CONSIDER THIS:

Sun Wukong was only able to legitimately survive the Eight Trigrams Furnace (even with peaches, wines, and pills) because;

He's a manifestation of both Earth and the Mind. All the Furnace did was harden him like a piece of coal becoming a diamond.

Wukong isnt dumb. He knows enough about Taoist Alchemy to know that no matter how hot the crucible gets, it will always be its weakest in the Xun/Sun/Wind Trigram. The theory being that while Air feeds Fire, Wind supresses it - in science terms the increased pressure caused by the pure Wind element suffocated the hottest flames but created a lot of smoke; forever reddening Wukong's eyes.

Above: Two separate translations I got.

Macaque is associated with Wind, especially in LMK and other Jttw-inspo works that merge his character with the Macaque King/Great Sage Informing Wind. And as a Celestial Primate/Mystic Monkey, he holds powers unknown to Heaven and himself.

If in Taoist Alchemy; Wind supresses Fire, then there's a chance that instead of becoming refined like a earthy diamond like Sun Wukong - the Six Eared Macaque would cause a different unholy reaction within the Furnace. Like a pressure cooker ready to burst, the Wind within would only expand/quicken until breeched.

Lao Tzu/Laozi opens the Furnance after 49 days, expecting the two monkey demons to be reduced to a pile of ashes and pills. He's met by a pair of monsters that burst forth from the crucible like Pandora's box.

Heaven weeps.

Even if Macaque's physical body was lost to the Furnace, he could retain enough magic to manipulate his ashes into a smokey ghost-like form. The Buddha would be forced to contain Macaque for those 500 years by sealing him in an air-tight vessel.

Wukong carrying around his mate's ashes and the pilgrims thinking him mad with grief, only for Macaque to reveal at an awkward time that he's still technically "alive". Pluming forth from the vessel and ensaring their foes with his ribbon-like tendrils.

And if you wonder what a Furnaced!Macaque would look like? He's already shown us;

#lego monkie kid #lmk #death tw #shadowpeach #lmk shadowpeach au #lmk au #gonna call this the Furnaced!Macque au #sun wukong #liu er mihou #six eared macaque #journey to the west #jttw theories #lmk theories

[sigridstumb]

Get out of my own way

There's a phrase that is new-ish to therapy models, one that I look at entirely askance because what is now termed "pathological demand avoidance" is what I have spent my life knowing as "self-sabotaging dumbass." In most of my life, I manage to avoid being a self-sabotaging dumbass. But in one area, that of cultural trends, it sometimes sets in. Usually to my loss and detriment.

It's just that, when I am barraged with a whole bunch of people all loving a thing at the same time (Tumblr amplifies this a LOT) it *irritates* me. This is asinine, and it makes ME the asshole were I to voice it, because oh my god, Sigrid, people love what they love! Do not squash joy in this parlous existence! But internally I resolve to never watch or read or listen to the thing in question.

Why? I dunno, because sometimes I am a self-sabotaging dumbass!

At any rate, after months of being vaguely irritated with the INTENSE love people have for Dimension 20 (it's not you! It's me! I have a problem! You go on and keep loving the shit out of what you love!) I finally saw a TikTok clip of the show Game Changer. And Brennan Lee Mulligan was hilarious and brilliant.

So, I sought out the show, Game Changer. Spouse and I both really enjoy it, and agree that Brennan is our favorite. I figure out that to watch more episodes, I should subscribe to Dropout.tv. I do, and suddenly realize that Brennan Lee Mulligan is that guy from Dimension 20 that everyone loses their goddamn minds over.

Oh. Oh!

I, with a sense of letting down some internal moral code and a pervasive feeling that I am doing something shameful, watch the first episode of Dimension 20: Fantasy High. It is, as literally everyone (not literally, obviously) already knows, very very good.

I am hooked! I have become One Of Those People! And, Sigrid, the only thing keeping you from enjoying this all along was your own self-sabotaging dumbassery!! Argh!!

ANYWAY.

For those of you who do not know, you are one of Today's Lucky 10,000.

Firstly, Dropout.tv is a comedy troupe formed out of the wreckage of College Humor when it imploded. There is a core group of, I'm not sure, 12-20 people, and they invite guests. The group does a variety of different web tv shows, some of them game shows, some skit comedy, and a great deal of table-top role playing game based improvisational theater. The members are actors, impressionists, writers, voice actors, musicians, and very skilled improv comedians.

Dimension 20 is the umbrella name for the 30-ish different TTRPG campaigns they have filmed. They play in different genres, there are a handful of GMs (though Brennan does a LOT of them,) and the player group composition shifts around a lot. In later seasons, there are nerd celebrity guests.

We, the viewer, are watching people play AD&D 5th edition. That's it, that's the show.

Except it is not at all the show! Here are some points I was not expecting:

- The production values are great. The props, the miniatures, the sound effects, the models of the combat areas, it's all great. It's the dream TTRPG set-up of my teenage years. - The people are voice actors. They are fantastic. They inhabit their characters, and it is fantastic to watch. Also, Brennan Lee Mulligan as GM does all the non-player characters. He does voices for ALL of them. - These people are all IMPROV COMEDIANS. Whatever the others say, they roll with it. Unexpected things happen constantly, both because of the dice rolls and also just because players are unpredictable, and everyone picks up the event and carries on. - They are actually playing a game, so much of what happens in controlled by rolls of dice. And everyone is pretty damn good about this. They make it work, they make the plot continue, using whatever the dice has given them to work with. They are SO much better at it than any of the gaming groups I was in! - The episodes I have seen so far are all good-natured in vibe. The people playing want everyone to have fun. They want the GM to have fun, the players to have fun, and the audience to have fun. There's no sniping except in the most friendly way, there's no sulking about bad rolls, there's no vibe-kills that I have seen.

Anyway, if you like improv comedy, if you like voice actors performing SF/F plays live, if you like other people's TTRPGs, Dimension 20 might also be for you.

#Dimension 20 #brennan lee mulligan #pathological demand avoidance #pda #pda autism #actuallyautistic #autistic #ttrpg #dropout tv

[circuses-and-childhoodtrauma]

It’s the fact that this whole plot point could be turned into something soooo much more complex so easily if you were to really utilize Ray and Drex’s characters to their full extent. And this doesn’t mean that I’m disappointed with how they use these characters now (although I kinda am but for a number of reasons) and I don’t blame the show because it’s ultimately comedic and it has a different purpose, but the content is there and there’s so much potential.

We all know Ray’s ideal type, shown in a lot of different instances in the show: blonde, skinny women, often ditzy sure, models, but the one bit that surpasses everything is when they’re moms (I’ve actually written something separate on his mom obsession so lmk if you guys would like to hear about that sometime). It’s so common that it’s the first thing to come to mind when thinking about Ray’s interests. Now here’s the thing, Ray is shown to have such a “true connection” with Credenza, so much so that she seems to be portrayed as his perfect woman, beyond Henry’s mom even. They have random things in common that are stressed like they’re soulmates (idk if anyone likes this relationship, I personally hate the idea of Ray in a relationship), and she’s a mom.

Do you think they’d be together if she wasn’t a mom? It’s stressed so much as a clear bottom line to keep Ray’s interest for a number of reasons (again, I have written on this and i would love to fix up the work and post it if there’s interest). I do not believe that he would want this relationship if she wasn’t, just due to the basis of that being such an integral part of his character.

I bet you’re wondering how this plays into Drex at all, and this is where the potential gets truly astounding. Drex, all his life, has been led by revenge. He wants to prove himself, he wanted to take over as Captain Man and be better, better than Ray, to prove that he can. He wants to, and yet he never has. Time and time again he’s failed to do the one thing he wants; he just keeps losing.

But this here is new.

You see there a specific factor that now applies a new layer to this. Drex is the person who made Credenza a mother. He is the reason that she is Ray’s perfect woman. And that? That’s a win. No matter what he does, Drex has that. He won. And he didn’t even know that he’d done it.

I’d just like the see the absolute hatred in Ray’s entire being and, in turn, the feeling of victory and smugness that it brings forth in Drex. I want him to point out that Ray’s “perfect woman” liked him first. and I don’t mean this in some stupid fighting for her affections thing which I’m really really hoping the episode won’t do. Because it’s not about Credenza, and it’s not even about Buddy. It’s about Drex and Ray. It’s about the way Drex’s only romantic love interest in the whole show happens to be Ray’s perfect woman. It’s about how Drex modeled his only relationship (if it was even a relationship) after the interests of his father figure. Just for once, I want this show to go a little deeper than surface level jokes, it’s my one big wish before the show is over forever 😭🙏

#henry danger #danger force #ray manchester #drex stinklebaum #drex #they’re so father son and I just want them to tear each other apart until there’s nothing left #I need Ray to be in denial of Drex ever having any sense of humanity #and I feel like this new episode might try to redeem him and Yk what that’s fine but I will still rant about the Possibilities #fucking up your adopted son so badly that all he can think about for the rest of his life is beating you #dangerverse

[lokitu]

Fast Food Rep, part 4

- commissioned and written by DeltaC -

iv.

Brat: Mommy mommy look, a hippo!

Mom: Oh Robert hush up!

John: Hey! Show that kid some manners will ya lady!!!

Scram kid before I tell my hungry hungry hubby to eat you up.

Mom: Well I never!

John: Trust me kid he hasn’t eaten in well over 15 minutes. Now scram!

Steve: John!

John: What? It’s true you haven’t eaten in 15 minutes.

Steve: I swear you are such an immature dork sometimes, but I do appreciate you scaring that little punk. You are so cute when you get defensive over me.

John: All in a day’s work my little cute hippo…well not quite little anymore these days huh?

Steve: Please don’t make hippo a thing.

John: Too late!

Steve: hmm frazzle razzle dazzle.

John: Awwww come here cutie. Let me give ya a big smooch.

***bump***

Oh right, there seems to be too much tummy between the two of us for a proper kiss.

Steve: Hehehe well you are lugging about the cutest lil dad belly there baby. I’m amazed how much you’ve gained in such little time. Keep this up and you’ll be filling out my fat hand me downs.

John: What, this? Oh this is just a bit of dirty bulk. Just a few extra days of cardio and I’ll be your beefed up muscle daddy again.

***Squeeze***

H-hey what was that for?

Steve: I don’t recall your last bulk leaving you with such plush love handles John.

John: Well, in case you haven’t noticed there buddy boy, between the two of us you are the one with supple tits and stretched out nipples. And that massive overhang paired with the loaves of love handles…muah! Absolute heaven on my lips as I kiss every square inch of you. Anywho, don’t get used to it. It’ll soon be gone.

**God I hope I can drop the added weight. All this stress eating from making sure Steve makes weight is wreaking havoc on my waistline. Deep down it feels right. It feels erotic having all this extra weight. I feel even more manlier than before. Do I really have to lose it?**

Steve: You don’t have to lose it. For what’s it worth I love the added weight on you baby. You are such a hot Papi. Plus, I’ve seen how turned on you get when you stuff me, and deep down I know gaining weight has flipped a switch inside of you. I know because I felt the same switch flip in me around your current size. I know that you want me fatter. And I know that you want to get just as fat…hmmm maybe fatter by the look of your groin. Plus, your booty is rounding out quite nicely, it must be all the muscle underneath the new padding.

Ohhh is someone blushing over there? Did I strike a nerve or two?

John: ummm…errr…well.

Steve: Hehe thought so.

Tailor: That does it for the back sir. Now, if you do not mind my asking, may I have you turn around for the final measurements?

Steve: Not at all my good man. Hey John, get ready for cake overload!

John: Whaaaa? Oh you dork! I am going to get…you…ba…ba…ba…bacon bites.

Steve: Hey John, my eyes are here! Well, through the mirror, but you know what I meant. Please excuse my husband over there. He always gets that dumb awestruck look on his face when he gets too much cake. Though I think he has been having too much cake as of late. Do you mind measuring him for new work shirts? As you can see, his belly is breaking out and those buttons are hanging on for dear life.

Tailor: Yes, of course!

John: Say, son, do you happen to know where your manager is? I have a bit of a proposition for him. My hubby here is the perfect model to represent the Elegant Hippo’s Evening Wear Big & Tall Shoppe.

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[justacynicalromantic]

So, I am new to The Sandman fandom but I already see I am not the only one to think about the idea of Hob being the personification of Hope.

This was literally the first theory that popped inside my mind after I had finished watching the season, before I even opened any fandom platform lol. Either it's a very obvious logic leap to make, or we all share one single brain cell, despite living half a world apart and not knowing each other😂

But I haven't seen anyone actually connecting it to the Pandora's Box myth.

For those who do not know, the myth tells about the creation of humankind - that men were modelled from clay by Prometheus (which angered Zeus), then Prometheus gave them fire (which was the final nail in the coffin and Zeus decided to exact punishment), Zeus created the first woman Pandora, gave her a jar/box containing all bad things - suffering, illness, pain, sorrow, etc. - thus when she opened it, she ended the Paradise on Earth. But Zeus didn't know that Prometheus also snuck Hope (who Greeks called Elpis - she was depicted as a young woman usually carrying cornucopia flowers) into the box. When Pandora opened the box and released trouble and woe into the world, hope was there to help people survive.

Hesiod (the storyteller of the myth) does not say why Hope (Elpis) remained in the jar. The implications of Elpis remaining in the jar were the subject of intense debate even in antiquity.

Now, consider this: Dream and Hope actually knowing each other from before humankind on Earth, being dual aspects of each other - in Hades/Persephone fashion - they fell in love and Dream courted Hope; when Pandora's story happens and Prometheus comes for Hope's help (or Hope overhears Zeus' plans and comes to Prometheus proposing the plan herself), Dream is away for work/some other businesses somewhere. The events happen without Dream's knowing.

In the end we know Zeus exacts his revenge on Prometheus by binding him to a rock and having an eagle feed on him, but what if Zeus also decided to punish Hope? I know he would be a tier below Hope, because he was just a god, while Hope - a personified concept like Dream, but he could have done it sneakily, capturing her with magic, like it happened to Dream much later. What if Zeus, seeing the effect Hope had on humans thought it was useful and decided to kill two birds with one stone?

So he bound Hope to a human form - so Hope is always there for humans in their world, but also as her punishment, she is diminished to a mortal body, her human mind no longer able to contain her memories of her existence as a spirit/concept, bound to live a human lifespan, die, then be reborn again into a new human.

Dream returns and Hope is nowhere to be found, no one knows anything (no one was there when Zeus captured Hope), centuries pass of fruitless searching but humans are able to hope - and that must mean she is there somewhere and she is fine, so in the end Dream has no choice but to conclude that she decided to leave him and now hides from him out of her own volition.

And so, humans get hope, but Dream loses Hope.

All until many millenia later by pure coincidence he strikes a deal with a human called Hob Gadling - who has no idea he is the current reincarnation of Hope.

(I can't get rid of the mental image: after the struggles are over and Hob/Hope remembers everything, he pops up, feeling nervous and guilty and sorry, into the Dreaming, and Dream greets him with "You are late" said with a trembling smile).

#the sandman #dreamling #Dream being the cranky depressed sad bastard because of the work burnout is so relatable #basically having to juggle both Dreaming and Hoping lol #cause dreams and hopes are so entwined and he was supposed to have a partner doing all the work #because dreams enable hopes and how can dreams exist without hopes?

[tobydandelion]

Once again I've gone from One real life platonic friends to Zero, because I refuse not to be honest about my belief in the Social Model of Disability and true leftist collective responsibility. And it'll probably happen again tbh, lol. My sense of justice may make life more lonely right now, but I know I'll be able to find at least a couple like-minded folks to truly connect with once I'm in lawschool.

Quality over quantity after all, and I'm very patient. And being high support needs, I can't waste time and energy on people who don't believe in the kind of justice that I believe all people deserve.

I won't pretend for anyone. I can't. I'm never losing who I am to gaslighting ableds and disableds with too much internalized ableism to understand what we all deserve as human rights.

There is good news about school though! My divorce only has a few months left. My ex decided to go the newspaper method after all, so now I'm just waiting for the mandatory waiting period after that, then I can file fafsa and get enrolled at the local community college!

In the meantime, my habilitation worker is looking for a two bedroom for my boyfriend and I, since the roommate I houseboy for might wanna switch trucking companies soon and move to another state in January anyway.

And so, my life continues to steadily increase in stability and comfort. Where it stops no one knows! I'll just keep swinging on the spiral and find out, I suppose. Hopefully I really can increase the stability and comfort of others too, when I'm a lawyer. Only about a decade or so I'm sure, lol. But like I said, I'm patient. :3

#actually autistic #actuallyautistic #disabled pride #disability pride #disability #disabled #autistic pride #social model of disability #high support needs #disability justice #neuropunk

[sineala]

Hi Sine! I find myself in possession of a very long plot (not going to count how many of those are in my inventory), and was hoping you'd share what program(s) you use for yours? I'm the sort who'd use a murder-wall with notecards but I don't have space rn. I *should* use tagging systems but all the ones available are so sketchy and unreliable that I lose focus just typing. Also I tried to search but. This is tumbs. Thanks - Shusu

Oh boy, this question was made for me!

The first novel-length story I wrote, I wrote in TextEdit. All 90,000 words of it. I basically just made a list of the scenes I wanted in the order I wanted them in, started typing the story above the list, and deleted every scene from the list when I had written it. I don't recommend this.

These days, I use Scapple and Scrivener. I have much more detail below. I am sure I have talked about them before but, as you say, Tumblr is hard to search.

Different things will work for different people, and I don't always start this way, but sometimes, while I'm still trying to rough out an idea, I start with a mind mapping program. You know that brainstorming technique that you learned in, like, third grade, where you take a piece of paper and you write down the main idea in the center in a bubble and then branch lines out from those with more bubbles containing related ideas, and then branch things out from those, and so on? You can get programs to do that instead of a big piece of paper, and the advantage to doing this on a computer is that your piece of paper can be infinitely large and you won't ever run out of space.

I will sometimes skip this step if I already know what order things are going to happen in (in that case, I just make an outline), but if it's the kind of unformed idea where I just want to write down everything that happens as I think of it so I won't forget it later, then I use a mind map.

I also use it to write down bits of dialogue as I think of them; the program I use lets me change fonts and colors and so on, so I have color-coded my dialogue by character:

I feel like I have probably posted this before but Tumblr is not letting me search. Also, this is probably not how you're supposed to use this, judging by how it exports data, but whatever.

There are a variety of programs that can help you make mind maps, and I'm sure a lot of them are good. The one I use is Scapple, which I like for a few reasons: it's very easy to use (you type something in, and then to connect two bubbles you drag one on top of the other) in a way that gives you a lot of freedom; it's not a subscription model like a lot of apps are (you buy it, you pay once, you can use it forever, and it costs about $20); and mostly, it's made by the developer of the writing program I use (Scrivener), meaning that the two programs integrate very well.

So then there's Scrivener.

Scrivener is probably the absolute most useful software I have ever owned; I have bought it four times now. (All three desktop versions and then the iOS version.) It is a word processor that is designed to help you structure and write novels. There are similar programs for free or at least cheaper, of course, but this is the one I use. (It also isn't a subscription; you just buy it.)

The downside is that it's a very complex program. This isn't necessarily a bad thing, but it can look a little daunting. It's one of those programs that has hundreds of features and you will only use about fifty percent of them, but everyone uses a different fifty percent, so there's something for everyone. (It can generate character names! There's a feature on the Mac version where it can highlight words by part of speech! You can change all the icons! The LaTeX export is pretty decent!)

Honestly, as long as you can figure out how to make scenes, rearrange scenes, edit synopses, and get your work out of the program, you're good to go; that's probably what you'll be doing most of the time.

Scrivener is basically designed around the murder-wall-of-notecards writing approach. A Scrivener project contains your Draft, which can have a bunch of folders in it (chapters) which can have individual documents (scenes). Each scene has an index card associated with it, and each index card is where you can write a synopsis for each scene.

You can view your story as single scenes or as a whole story (optionally with a window showing the synopses, so you can remember what you thought was going to happen while you are writing; I have shown this above) or you can just view the synopses as an outline or as index cards, like so:

There's your murder wall right there.

Rearranging the index cards also rearranges the scenes. (Rearranging the scenes using the list in the sidebar also rearranges the scenes.) So if you want to swap scenes around, you can do that. If you want to write the end first, you can do that. If you want to add three more scenes in the middle, you can do that.

You can also search your whole project, color code the index cards, tag them however you want with keywords (e.g., a keyword for every character who appears in the scene) and then look at everything you've tagged with particular keywords, notate scenes by whether they're done or not, and basically everything else you can think of. Mostly I have used this to color code scenes by POV so I can keep track of who's talking; I could also have used keywords.

So my first move when I start a project in Scrivener is to make a bunch of blank documents for all the scenes I think I will have, give them some kind of meaningful title, start writing down on the notecards things that will happen in each scene, and then move them around. This is where Scapple comes in handy -- both because I already have an idea from making a mind map in Scapple of what scenes I want, and also because the integration between Scapple and Scrivener makes it really, really easy to get started.

How do Scapple and Scrivener integrate, you ask? If you make a mind map in Scapple, you can drag and drop it into Scrivener and it will automatically make one scene for every bubble you have, and the text of each bubble will be on the notecard, so you can basically start with all of your scenes that you already have made in Scapple and then reorder them as you like.

Scrivener projects also have a Research section, where you can store basically anything related to what you're working on; you can set it to show your draft and your research at the same time. Basically anything can go in here. Mine usually have notes, more notes, character information, lines I cut but wanted to save somewhere (there is also a versioning system built in if you prefer that), comics panels, reference pictures, and entire webpages. This way, you'll never have to figure out what you did with that thing you looked up for your story, because you can keep it right there with your story.

Scrivener costs $60, which is kind of a lot, but there are very often coupons for 50% off from online software retailers (I just saw one on Boing Boing a couple days ago that still works as of the time I am answering this; I can vouch that they are a legit retailer). Also if you know anyone who has won NaNoWriMo, they get a Scrivener coupon as part of their winnings, and some people don't use theirs. It has a thirty-day free trial period (IIRC that's 30 days of use, not 30 calendar days) so you can try it and see if it works for you.

I also made a Compile Format for Scrivener 3 -- the current version -- so I can export HTML suitable for AO3 or Dreamwidth in one click. Scrivener can export your work in basically any format you can think of, but the default HTML exports all have too much stuff in them for my liking.

(Scrivener also has a bunch of preset templates for various kinds of writing -- like, there's a Novel template with room for character sheets and settings and all of that. You can make your own template, too. I actually made my own template for writing fanfiction for AO3. I'm not sharing this one because it is so personalized to me that it wouldn't be useful -- but, for example, I already know that I'm going to want a document in my Research section where I list notes about canon, and one where I list what bits I need to edit, and one where I copy in any conversations I've had with beta readers that I might want to refer to, and one where I list the things that will be in the AO3 header (it contains empty spaces for Title, Fandom, Tags, Summary, etc) so I can now always start with that. You can make a template yourself by opening a new project, setting it up exactly the way you like with the Research documents exactly the way you want, and then doing File > Save as Template. It will copy everything including any text that's in there so you want to use something that doesn't already have any story or research content written in it because then that will get copied. But it's a real timesaver.)

Anyway. Scrivener is the best.

#replies #rfpreiwaphase #scrivener

[a-forbidden-detective]

Here’s where the story ends…

—

This is written for @flashfictionfridayofficial with the prompt #FFF234 How It Ends. The title is from The Sundays’ song with the same title.

* Decided to expand this story into a heartbreaking Toto/Kawasemi-san affair that will devastate the three: Toto, Ron and Kawasemi. I am certain that Toto will choose Ron, but Ron, he wouldn’t take this sitting down. It is becoming a project.

Fandom: Kamonohashi Ron no kindan suiri/Ron Kamonohashi’s Forbidden Deductions

—

“How beautiful are entrances, compared to exits!”

(Herakles, by Euripides, tr. Anne Carson)

The clock struck at half past three in the early morning as the Shinkansen surged to reach Tokyo metropolitan area. In less than two hours, it would be dawn.

Seated all by himself in the seventh row inside Carriage No. 14 was Toto, who looked at his reflection in the glass window. What he saw was someone he didn’t know; someone whose reputation was questionable.

Thoughts of his superior and his friend bogged down his brain. Never had he been so preoccupied with the matters of the heart until now.

In his mind’s eye, he could still see Kawasemi’s downtrodden face at the restaurant and later, on the bed he momentarily shared with the older police investigator. Defeated and forlorn. All because of one Totomaru Isshiki.

Busy with his thoughts he noticed that he was not particularly alone in the carriage. There was a mother and daughter, a bubbly three-year-old girl, seated on the first row and a lone female tourist seven rows behind him.

Toto wore his eye mask and blocked the little girl’s noise by putting on his earplugs. The overhead lamp of the train suddenly offended his eyesight. He recounted the events that happened before he and Kawasemi said goodbye at the main train station’s platform.

After he told the Aichi police officer about his decision, he’d like the earth where he was sitting to swallow him.

“So, this is the end of the road, Isshiki, for us,” Kawasemi lamented. His voice cracked beneath the composed façade of his.

Toto couldn’t spare to look at his superior after his declaration that he took his clothes with him and dressed up at Kawasemi’s big posh bathroom. The flat was located in the center of Nagoya.

When Toto left him alone, the older man who had never smoked in his entire life, had the sudden urge to just stick a cigarette between his lips and inhale it to calm his nerves.

If Toto were a different person who was not in love with his best friend, perhaps, he’d give Kawasemi a chance and be contented with it. Why did he, in the first place, allow himself to be swayed by his weakness, that is, the call of the flesh to sleep with his superior?

It was sheer panic, of course. The fear of losing Ron once he would tell him what he really felt about the forbidden detective. Then came Kawasemi along who at first was unreachable, a living legend among his veteran colleagues when Toto started in the Tokyo Metropolitan Police’s Investigation Division 1. The same Kawasemi-san who he always admired from afar, the model police investigator whose professional success was suddenly halted when he lost his trusted assistant, but now got his groove back.

“You are the only one who let me realise my folly, Isshiki,” Kawasemi confessed the first time he brought Toto to his flat.

He could still remember the day when he disagreed with him during the hand collector case without hesitation, told him openly how wrong it was to treat Yamane and his colleagues using the magic of his tweezers. True, Toto’s words clipped his wings and pierced his heart, but he also fixed them because he showed his true colours, according to the Aichi police officer. Did he really? Somehow, Toto was not even sure of that.

He was goddamn tired, but sleep was elusive. There was no use even looking outside to marvel at the landscape as everything was pitch black. The guilt nagged at his thoughts. But his affair with Kawasemi was over. And for that he was relieved. Once and for all, he had to tell Ron what he was truly feeling. He glanced at the wrapped birthday gift in his shopping bag.

Less than an hour and he would already be in Tokyo. Not long now.

~ fin ~

#kamonohashi ron no kindan suiri #totomaru isshiki #kawasemi omito #ron kamonohashi #flashfictionfriday #flash fiction friday #fff234 #rkdd fanfics #rkdd fanfic idea #ron kamonohashi's forbidden deductions #toto et kawasemi #how it ends #brief toto/kawasemi #rontoto