#I am OK with being overweight but I want to be intentionally so I want to be this week with muscle I want to choose my body | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

mistressmanumit · 2 years

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IN AN INSTANT, SOMEONE MUST BE BLAMED.

I read an article today about a couple that ran their ship aground locally. The wreck was so impactful that the boyfriend of the injured couple passed away and the girlfriend has a long road to recovery ahead.

What does that look like for them? 'A long road to recovery.'? Will each other's family get nasty and blame one another for what appears by all accounts to be a tragic wreck?

I am to the point where I have just now, almost 5 months after my partner's wreck stopped trying to assign blame. For me, I think it boils down to my not wanting to see that there simply would ever be a way to cast the blame for the suicide attempt. Any which way you transect it, it hurts. So what if his maternal family had a strong genetic predisposition to Personality Disorders? So what if his military career ending at his own hands made him sad? So what if co-parenting with his ex was unfair in his opinion? So what if I'd asked for a separation? It seems like I just didn't want to relinquish acceptance of what he had triangluated our respective families and his command with. The vocalization that I made him what to take his own life. Imagine for just a bit if it had been successful and he last uttered those words to outsiders to your marriage. The ones who didn't know behind their back he blamed them for the same feelings. Would they too have this vast expansive emotion to blame someone for the hurt they're being told they're responsible for? To shield themselves and their ego from the painful possibility that they may have done something slight, that this human took that thing an negatively spun it into a colossal snowball of pain and discontent that made the individual eventually attempt to unalive themselves? Would it be easier to blame someone else? Anyone else? Than to accept that trying to take one's life is NEVER an acceptable outcome for whatever someone is going through. That it's something so caustic and tragic that it rots families through and through....that no ONE particular person is to blame for that act. Just like this boat wreck I just read about.

But will the families of that couple have enough radical acceptance to garner understanding and acknowledge something that heavy can just happen. That assinging blame does nothing for the soured wounds. Deeply lacerating their souls after late nights in ICU Lounges, Early morning reports from a respective attending or the punch to the pocketbook that tends to land around incidents such as these?

Why is having a place to shift the focus of what "caused" such a devastating act so important? Why do we as humans instinctively tend to cast stones at the other home?

I think it's a fundamental protection of one's ego. So to let my ego die, I have to accept that ultimately the only one to blame for my spouse's wreck is the person that was behind the wheel. The person who chose to drive into a pole in lieu of marriage therapy. And I may have said something that left my lips entirely different than a way in which he interpreted and acted out on. The same could be said for someone at his office, or his family...and when you take into account how many interactions a human tends to have with others every single day I think it's easier to take a large step back and set your overweight ego down. THIS WAS NOT YOUR FAULT. TRAGEDIES DO JUST HAPPEN.

And now, now it's time to focus on the healing emotionally. To set boundaries. To offer love and support.

And remember...it's ok to tell yourself as many times as you need to: This was not your fault. It's ok to not be ok. It's ok to demand safety and respect from your partner. It's ok to remove a person from your orbit if they intentionally bring you pain and strife. It's ok to dig deep into therapy and take time apart to heal separately so that a lifelong marriage can work.

For successful gardens to bloom, one must simply grow where they are planted. Cultivate happy thoughts, and happy actions will follow.

#SuicideSurvival #PTSD #Borderline #Bipolar #AntisocialPersonality #AttachmentDisorder #NarcissisticAbuse #NarcAbuse #Narcissistic #NPB #BPD #Overachiever #Boundaries #Survivor #DomesticViolence #ItsOkNotToBeOk #MilitaryMentalHealth #MentalHealth #Miltok

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totopopopo · 3 years

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I saw a video of like a cool woman working out like boxing and she was like super ripped and like but not like in a creepy way but like in like a like she’s stocky and muscle and strong and I am like I wish I looked like that

like fuck I wish that I was like athletic like I wish that I was like stocky in in the sense of strong and tough but I’m not i’m like not heavyset in an athletic way just overweight but like. I wish I looked like that lady but like I don’t know I can’t bc. I’m impatient. And can’t workout because I get soooo bored and frustrated and feel like everyone is so condescending and bc I don’t like overheating like if I didn’t mind that so much I would work out every day and shit because I like getting my energy out I just don’t like being looked at or getting hot because I hate getting hot and sweaty and because I get bored and because I don’t have enough time to work out every day and also because I don’t want to but I also want to because I want to be like a strong muscles butch lesbian and not just like un athletic me

#I want to do a sport like boxing like I want to do a sport I can’t just work out by itself #cause that’s boring #I want to box. like real boxing with a punching bag. for real. not just air punching in theory #if I boxed I could be strong and it would be cool and I would like lift weights and stuff to be a better boxer #like I’m being serious right now #but I don’t know where to start or like where to go for that #but I don’t know a place that has punching bags and like trains you how to box #like I don’t know how to start doing that for real #because if I could find a place that let me do that I would do that fucking every day like I literally would #but I don’t know how or where and I don’t want to pay for it #but I want to be like that lady who was a lesbian by the way thank you for asking #because like I don’t have body dysmorphia because I am overweight #I have body dysmorphia because I’m not strong and physically capable of you know #I don’t know I have body dysmorphia because I am not strong like that and because of like yeah gender stuff #like I look I wish I looked more intentional #anyways #ask to tag #I mean the fact that the world treats weight gain like a moral failure is unrelated but not totally unrelated #like I don’t know it’s really hard to exist like that there’s like constant shame in existence #I am OK with being overweight but I want to be intentionally so I want to be this week with muscle I want to choose my body #I just feel very helpless I think and also tired but I can’t sleep and it’s 4 AM love that for me #also I want to go running with Atlas #he barks at other dogs so I can’t right now so that sucks

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shark-feeder-archive-dont-follow · 3 years

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I think the hardest part for me now is trying to adjust to becoming seen and known as a fat guy by more than just my partner. It's one thing to be fat but still able to mostly hide it under clothes, but if I gain as much as I want to I won't be able to do that anymore, and its really stressful and scary trying to make that jump. Pre-T me was always that awkward size where I was too small for plus size fashion but too big for regular stores and I always wished I could shop at the plus size stores bc the dresses were so pretty, but now that I wear men's clothing plus size stores are suuuuper Hetero(tm) and boring and it sucks not being able to find nice clothes easily! It makes it so much harder to feel good about myself now that I can't just throw on a sexy outfit to make myself feel better :( I'm almost too big to shop at places like H&M now and I'm sort of debating if I should just keep shopping there even if things start to be a bit more figure hugging bc I'm so desperate for nice clothes that make me feel good. It's just so hard to unlearn the fear of being seen as fat publicly, let alone to intentionally wear something that doesn't hide my body or who I am (it almost makes me wish i had a humiliation kink just so I'd be more ok with it 😩). Transitioning gender-wise seems way more straightforward than trying to transition from being a little bit above average weight to obese or morbidly obese (I'm technically obese already but I'm just shy of 6ft so I only look kinda overweight 😣) I wish there was like, a list of steps on how to do it and what to expect like there is for starting HRT and all the social transitioning, y'know? -🍓

oh i feel you with men’s clothing being boring af, like tbh even men’s straight size clothing is So Boring and then being like an XL or bigger makes it that much harder to find anything fruity that isn’t hella expensive. im also a trans guy and like i found it easier mentally to be okay with being a chubby guy rather than being a chubby girl bc there is less social pressure there. like obvi its difficult to be fat in society regardless of gender but for me accepting myself as a chubby guy was easier than accepting myself as a chubby girl. i think a big part of accepting yourself as fat is unlearning the social stigmas and understanding that being fat is perfectly okay and that other people’s opinions don’t matter as long as youre happy with yourself. but also that is way easier said than done!

i found this http://www.thegoodandplenty.com/2017/09/06/how-to-love-yourself-for-real-when-youre-fat/ and it seems like a good place to start with learning to be okay with stuff and idk if its exactly what youre looking for but hope it helps! also feel free to dm me and we can talk more about this stuff bc we have a lot in common lmfao and i respond faster to dms!

#asks #🍓 anon #also if you wanna keep sending asks that is chill too!

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faithhopeloveandtherapy · 5 years

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Therapy 01.10.19 // a shift in approach

T said something quite radical to me. She said “I had a thought this week. How would it feel if you were to gain to X, and then just stay there at that weight and see how it felt?”

I was a bit lost for words. T has never suggested anything like that before! She knows I am really scared of weighing X. This whole therapy rupture came about because I was only a few pounds off X, and I needed T to hold me there because I was panicking about it, and unfortunately she dropped me instead.

Her suggestion really set off a firework of contradictory thoughts inside me. I will confess there was a part of me that was quite excited by the idea. The thought of this stretch opening up between the weight I am now and X, a whole 7lbs to potentially gain. I liked the idea of a target being that far off, and no longer having to panic when my weight goes up even just one pound from what it is now. It felt like gaining some breathing space from the eating disorder’s tight control.

Then of course, straight after that thought came the panic of that was all very well but how will I cope weighing X. My clothes won’t fit. My bones won’t feel so sharp. More fat will creep under my skin.

Even while I was panicking, part of me loves that T made this suggestion. She listened to what I said to her when we had our first conversation about the rupture, that maybe I needed to weigh more [the figure I gave in my rant would put me at a bmi of 23] in order to have healthier thoughts, and that maybe even though I wouldn’t feel so physically comfortable at that weight, maybe I would realise I need to weigh that in order to be free from the eating disorder thoughts.

I think me saying that really shifted her viewpoint. I’ve talked before on here about feeling like T wants me to stay thinner, and T valuing control over our own weight and body size. She has never really pushed me gaining weight and she has talked about not wanting me to get overweight again. But I haven’t been “overweight” for 20 years now, and in those 20 years, and especially the 7 since I’ve been seeing T, my struggles have been much more with restricting and losing weight and weighing too littler. ANYWAY, all that is to say that T suggesting I consider intentionally gaining up to a weight that’s higher than I’ve been maintaining at marks quite a change in her approach.

I don’t want to do it but I really like that she suggested it. And I totally see the logic behind it, that I’m terrified of being that weight, yet maybe if I got there and maintained at that weight, the number would lose its power over me.

I had all these thoughts in my head during the session, although none of them were quite as clearly formed as I’ve written them out up there. It felt overwhelming, bits of me scared to say what other bits were thinking. Eventually I said to T, “Can we talk about something else please?”

T said “Yes, of course. But before we do, can you just tell me what was difficult about that? Was it x or was it y?.... I won’t ask you any more about it, but it would be helpful for me to know.” [I can’t remember what the x and y options were! They might have been something like x was ‘there were too many thoughts in your head and it’s too hard to think about all of them right now’ and y was ‘that’s a terrible idea and I never want to speak of it again’.]

I said it was x. T said that was ok and thankyou for telling her, and then she changed the subject just like I’d asked her to.

I think everything in this post was the most important part of the whole therapy session.

#therapy #eating disorder #ed recovery #weight #weight gain

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surveys-at-your-service · 4 years

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Survey #259

"i went straight to heaven, but i kept on knockin’.”

What's something that makes you feel more creative? Music. What are the last three nail polish colors you wore? Wow, idk the last time I wore nail polish, but probably black or maroon. What's the last thing you binge watched? Avatar: The Last Airbender w/ Sara. Do you watch youtube videos or tv shows more? YouTube is essentially my TV. Quite literally - I don't have a television in my room because I never watch it. What's a DIY project that you don't think actually works? Oh dude, plenty. I have DIY-obsessed friends online as well as a Pinterest, I know this shit, lmao. I can name one though with total certainty because I was with a friend when she tried that disgusting "YOU CAN MAKE cuPCAkES IN A C uP!!!!!" crap. It's the most eggy shit you'll ever try. Do you collect Mason jars to use for crafts? No, but I think those crafts are generally super cute. Have you ever gotten rid of something and then regretted it? If so, what? (or what's one thing?) Oh yeah, one of my biggest being my senior prom pictures, but not for the reason you'd expect (save for two pictures of us that're just REALLY fuckin cute): I want them back because goddamn I was pretty ok and I miss that now that I hate my body every waking moment of every day. :^) What color is the zip-up hoodie you wear the most? Don't have one w/ a zipper, they're ugly. Do you live in an apartment that has inspections? No. Do you hate taking naps during the day? Nooo I love naps and usually take one a day. I tend to feel really tired all over again a few hours or so after I wake up. Who in your immediate family has the best natural hair? MEEEEEEEEEEEE. Would you ever audition for American Idol? Hell no. Do you know anyone who thinks they're more talented than they are? Lol wow, this is mean. I don't think so. Do you buy gum? Rarely, even though I like it. What's your favorite dollar store? I don’t have a favorite, I'd say? But I think we normally go to Dollar General. How many cell phones have you had in your lifetime? Maybe like, six? Have you ever been inside a Victorian mansion? BITCH I WISH!!!!!!!!!!!! I would kill to get married in one, omfGGGGGGGGGGG. What was the most boring field trip you ever want on? I don't remember a bad one. I loved going on field trips. The last time you went, what were your favorite rides at Cedar Point? I’ve never been. Which country would you most like to visit? Eeeeek idk, but probably South Africa. What are your favorite types of videos to watch on YouTube? What I watch on YouTube has become pretty diverse, but I know my favorites are easily Mark's actual big projects w/ egos 'n shit alksjdflk;w gOOD SHIT MY FRIENDS. I still love let's plays, of course! Are you a hoarder? No. Is there a guy (or girl) that you wish things had worked out with? Yes. If you were to start a collection, what would it be? I'd loooove Shadow of the Colossus stuff, particularly the amazing figures they used to have only in Japan. And World of Warcraft stuff; all I have rn is an Illidan poster and a fae dragon plushy hanging from my ceiling that Jason got me. If you were rich, what things would you get done cosmetically? Mother of god, a lot. #1, make me skinny again for the love of fuck. Which would result in loose skin being taken off and probably a breast lift because being overweight ruined my comfort with them laskdjfw. Whiten my teeth and give me laser hair removal surgery on my legs, please. Are your parents too controlling? Not at all. Who is your favorite fictitious redhead? VOL'JIN Blizzard what the FUCK give him BACK What shows have you seen on Broadway? None. Who is the prettiest Asian YouTuber that you can think of? Bitch Mark is Korean and he's gorgeous as fuck goddamn it ain't fair. But this is a weird question. What is the best news you've heard lately? When my mom got a follow-up blood test, things looked good!! She especially needed to level out her sugar, which she did well on. She also didn't lose or gain any weight, so that's wonderful. Have you ever flown first class? Hunny I am v poor. Have you ever had food SO bad in a restaurant that you sent it back? I don't believe so, anyway. Do you talk in your sleep? Very regularly now. Have you ever locked yourself out of your house? OOF, yes. Are you the type of person who can shake insults off easily, or do they tend to stick around in your brain & bother you? They stick with me for a long, long time. At least two I remember from years upon years ago. Who was the last person you cut out of your life intentionally? My old therapist that I trusted and loved when I fucking shouldn't have. Where were you raised? By who? Eastern NC, by my parents. What were your first words? "Dada." What were some of your favorite things when you were young? DINOSAURS, Webkinz, Pokemon, and Spyro, to name a few. What did you grow up listening to? Mostly country and pop music. What games did you play in the past? Spyro was my obsession, and I also loved hunting games (ironic, as irl I would never even consider it???) as well as fishing ones, plus Crash Bandicoot. What was the best birthday party you ever had? I'm not sure. How about the best vacation? I'm unsure; I haven't really been on a lot. Do you have any secrets you never intend to tell? Yup. What memory would you like to disappear from your mind forever? A nightmare I had about my dad. If you were someone else, would you be friends with the person you are now? Yeah. Do you consider yourself a smart person? No. What friend in your life has been the greatest influence to you? I don't know. Where is the scariest place you’ve ever been? What made it so terrifying? I shared a bedroom with an EXTREMELY volatile, violent woman once in the mental hospital. As in she had to go in solitary when she had a violent episode, during which she became very destructive to her surroundings, so as you could guess, I was worried about my own wellbeing. She was eventually moved because I was that uncomfortable. Did you celebrate Easter? Are there any holidays you are more inclined to celebrate than others? If so, which? Well, Easter hasn't come yet, but we'll probably go to my sister's house for the kids. We'll celebrate Christmas and Thanksgiving without fail. We don't pay much attention to others. I'd LOVE to do something for Halloween, we just never have anywhere to go/anything to do. What was the last thing you deleted? Pictures. What colors make up the majority of your wardrobe? Is there any color you like, but don’t wear often? There's black there. Oh, there's s'more black. What's that???? More bLACK????? MAN, I wish I could pull off pink. When was the last time you were in any amount of pain? I had a pretty intense headache yesterday. Who was the last person to hug you? Do you hug this person often? My niece, and yeah, every time I visit. What are you most likely to argue or debate about? The fact I almost never leave my pajamas lmao. What was the last show you watched? Have you seen it before, or is it something you’re watching for the first time? A few days back, I was reeeaaally bored and actually watched TV deliberately, CAN YOU BELIEVE IT?????? It was The Witcher; wasn't bad. I'd be willing to watch more. How would you describe your taste in clothing? What would a dream outfit look like to you? uuuuuggggGHHHHHHHH let me be GOTH. Give me a corsette if they weren't notoriously uncomf with plenty of chains 'n stuff. BIG, SPIKY BOOTS. SKINNY LEATHER PANTS. UUUUGGGGGGGHHHHHH. Have you ever tried snowboarding? No. What’s your favorite planet besides Earth? Saturn is dope. Would you ever be a coach for any sport? Nope. What color of eyes do you have? Blue. Do you like tacos? NOOOOOOOOO. White or red wine? Wine is gross. Do you prefer foxes or wolves? Foxes. What’s the youngest you would consider dating? No younger than 21. Do you think suits are sexy? mmmmmmmmmMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMM Did you go to high school with your current best friend? No. What is your boss’ (or school prinicpal’s) name? N/A Were you a fan of Michael Jackson before he died? I was never really a fan. Respected him immensely as a musician, I just didn't care much about his music. Turkey or ham for Thanksgiving? Ham. Turkey is always too dry and stringy. Do you look good in hats? I wouldn't know, I haven't worn one in forever. Never with short hair. Colons or equal signs for your smiley face's eyes? Colons. Do you like architecture? If so, do you have a favourite style or structure that you’d like to make note? Yes, and I should really have an answer for this, as architecture was a big part in Art History... Ummm Etruscan stands out, and of course Roman/Greek (even after the class I don't remember their differences well...). I love Middle Eastern architecture, too. What is one of your favorite words, in any language, and why? I just love the sound of "serendipity," as well as uhhhh "sakura" in Japanese and "kanji" in Chinese. I'm trying to think of a German one, as there certainly are some, but they're evading me right now. Where is the farthest you’ve travelled on foot? JESUS FUCK probably going to get Sara's brother from school, mother of all that is holy. But it might just feel like it because it was during the peak of my muscle atrophy in my legs. Are there any songs that you perhaps like but avoid because it makes you sad when heard? A good number. Do you like the area that you live in? What do you like or dislike about the area? NO. There's not shit to do and it's not aesthetically pleasing at all. Do you have a memory of when you really thought that you have lucked out on something? If so, what was it? Uhhhhh. A handful, I guess? Oh, uh, the suicide attempt to name one and probably the biggest. I took way too many of those pills to experience almost zero symptoms of an overdose; I did look up what "too many" was, because I wanted that. I'd say I was pretty fuckin lucky. If you have apps on your mobile phone, which one do you use the most? Facebook. Which do you like better: fantasy or science fiction novels? Why? FANTASY!!! I think it allows more creativity and possibilities of something magically "making sense" because yeah, it's fantasy. Science fiction has more "realness" to it, more, obviously, scientific elements versus make-believe. Do you like opossums? Do you think it is ethically right for others to keep opossums as pets? OPOSSUMS!!!!!!!!! ARE!!!!!!!!!! FANTASTIC!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! They're my second-favorite animals kdsja;lkdjaw. BUT ANYWAY, no, unless it's for rescue reasons. When was the last time someone asked you a huge favor or advice? Do you get asked often by this person? Oh I have no idea. Probably my mom? And no, definitely not. She hates asking for help. What are your thoughts on nihilism? I definitely get it, but it's not my personal outlook. Do you like the snow? More like love. What are your thoughts and feelings towards work/jobs in general? I don't know? I've never even had a real, steady job, so it's hard to really answer... I've only had bad experiences. It's kinda weird to me how you have to work your ass off (usually) to get a job you enjoy, as well as slave for some stupid green paper until the day you die just to stay alive and healthy. But at the same time, it offers a sense of fulfilment and is as well something productive and beneficial to the masses to do. Civilization would be very, very different and unadvanced if we were without them, so I guess it is a necessary thing. Humans gotta work together to keep where we're at. Do you believe in astrology? I've never actually elaborated why I don't believe in it so there ya go: not in the slightest. All it does is offer extremely broad characteristics that, in some light, almost anyone can relate to so they feel included in something. We naturally want to "belong" within something as social creatures, and astrology is an easy one with it being so vast. It gives equally indirect advice that can be applied to a multitude of situations, so people just mold what they read to fit their world. Don't base your goddamn life choices on the random positioning of shit in space. What is something that you’ve made/created? Do you take pride in your creations? Well, way way way too many OCs that I do indeed love a hell of a lot. If you have a Tumblr account, do you have any followers that you wish would not follow you? Well I'm sure there are bots. What kind of books do you generally enjoy to read? Fantasy stuff, mostly. But I also love novels with deep meaning, particularly about life in general. A good plot is mandatory. Does the quality of a video, on YouTube or a television, matter to you? I mean of course in some situations, like if I'm watching something educational/something to gain visual knowledge from. What is one situation that may cause you to become shy (if there is any)? Don't don't don't don't don't point out that my serious interests/things I massively love are "weird" like it's been years and I can still barely explain why my biggest tattoo is a tribute to some fuckface on the Internet lmao. When one is depressed, what can a friend do about it? Do you find that there is a good method to approach people in helping them combat depression? It is SO important to, first, ask them what they want. Do they want advice, an ear to just listen, just your presence, to be alone? As for combating depression, that greatly depends on the origin (if any) of theirs. There are so many factors in answering this question, but what I mentioned should, imo, always be the start. Do you tend to listen to music that embraces your mood or does music dictate your mood? Is it a little bit of both? Definitely both. When I'm sad though, I'm almost definitely listening to somber music too. Do you find yourself to be generally a forgiving person? I'm too goddamn forgiving. Do you have an embarrassing memory that you now look back at and can laugh? If so and if you’re comfortable, could you share one here? Omg I have a Bible-length collection of those suckers. I'd prefer not to. What is one skill that you have worked hard to develop? Is there still room for improvement on that skill? Damn, anxiety-coping mechanisms and actually trusting them to help me through attacks. I used to be convinced that they were useless because it just wouldn't work and weren't immediately effective, but you've gooooooot to trust the process, friends. What do you consider to be your main passion(s) and how did they come about? Spreading awareness of the seriousness of mental health and the comfort of knowing there's hope. You can never stop pushing. My own experience with mental health struggles is definitely the deeeep roots of that. Who do you think influenced you the most in your life so far? Why? Jason changed my life in many ways. Trauma does that. He taught me a lot about the necessity of having faith in yourself to survive on your own, a shitload about love and how it's not some fairy tale, and that people change, even those you least expect to. What is something that you have overheard people talk about that really bothered you? I could name more than a few things about race stuff, living where I do. What do you normally say or how do you normally act in response to a compliment? I usually do this shy laugh and say "thank you" with too much enthusiasm. How many books do you own? Do you have more physical books than electronic books? I've no clue where a lot of my old ones are. I have no electronic ones; I strongly prefer to read a physical book. What are your thoughts on higher education? Is it really necessary? In your opinion, what changes can be made? Depending on your aspiring career, it can be necessary, but just as easily, it can be unnecessary. I know for a fucking fact it should not be NEARLY as expensive as it is. Maybe even free, but I have no idea what monetary concerns that could cause with whoever runs the place. Have you ever received a heartfelt compliment from a stranger? Probably at some point. How many people would you consider to be extremely close to you? "Extremely"... like three lmao. Maybe one more or so. When was the last time you had to speak to a crowd? How well did that go? When I was taking pictures at a wedding last. It went okay. How would you describe your general outlook towards humanity? We by no means deserve to be the apex predator and Earth would be a shitload better without us. How long do you think you could last without any contact with your significant other, best friend, or a person whom you consider would be the closest to you? I'll use my mom here, in which case idk. I don't particularly want to find out. I talk to her at LEAST by text daily. Every day now that she can't work/is always home with me. Have you ever realised that someone was lying, but it was too late to confront them? Nope. Eventually speaking up is how I lost her, but.

#survey #quiz #questions

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low-budget-mulan · 5 years

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1-155

This is going to be long. So it’s going under.

1: Full name

Sara [REDACTED]2: Age

22 1/23: 3 Fears

Caterpillars, rolly pollies, idk?4: 3 things I love

my niece, my job, my friends5: 4 turns on

nice, caring, strong, able to cook6: 4 turns off

any of the guys I have been in relationships with lol7: My best friend

I have many. Brandon, kelsey, renee8: Sexual orientation

straight 9: My best first date

I mean. All my first dates were ok? Like the last 2 guys I dated I had a lot of fun. We ate and laughed and talked about memes. 10: How tall am I

5 ft 6 in11: What do I miss

My niece12: What time were I born

*was idk like 2 pm?

13: Favourite color

purple14: Do I have a crush

nah fam. Aint nobody got time for dat 15: Favourite quote

”be not afraid” 16: Favourite place

Mammoth/june mountain, disneyland, yosemite17: Favourite food

My grandma’s cooking. Always. 18: Do I use sarcasm

Nooooo. Why would I do that (i was being sarcastic. And yes) 19: What am I listening to right now

Slime rancher home screen music 20: First thing I notice in new person

face21: Shoe size

1222: Eye color

brown23: Hair color

^24: Favourite style of clothing

hobo with a job 25: Ever done a prank call?

yes27: Meaning behind my URL

brandon insulted me. I agreed

28: Favourite movie

Totoro, book of life, home, Christopher Robin29: Favourite song

idk??30: Favourite band

WAL31: How I feel right now

Sleepy after getting off a 38 hour shift32: Someone I love

My niece33: My current relationship status

Married to my job I guess. 34: My relationship with my parents

There is one at least35: Favourite holiday

CHRISTMAS36: Tattoos and piercing i have

Be not afraid on my arm. No piercings 37: Tattoos and piercing i want

Verso L’Alto, and some others38: The reason I joined Tumblr

neighbor made me one

39: Do I and my last ex hate each other?

I don’t hate him. I am hurt. But he decided to not want to be friends at all. I would have still loved to be friends with him, even though we didn’t work out. 40: Do I ever get “good morning” or “good night ” texts?

no41: Have I ever kissed the last person you texted?

My cousin? no

42: When did I last hold hands?

idk? many moons ago 43: How long does it take me to get ready in the morning?

depends if I shower. If I shower then 30 mins. If not then 10

44: Have You shaved your legs in the past three days?

No I don’t have to shave my legs. 45: Where am I right now?

in bed46: If I were drunk & can’t stand, who’s taking care of me?

My friend renee. But I have never been drunk before because I am not a lightweight and I also know how to say no. Why would I intentionally want to make myself sick. 47: Do I like my music loud or at a reasonable level?

depends where I am and how I am feeling

48: Do I live with my Mom and Dad?

yes, because I make minimum wage as a first responder and can’t afford to live on my own. 49: Am I excited for anything?

Not being on night shift anymore XD currently dying from it and need a break.

50: Do I have someone of the opposite sex I can tell everything to?

Brandito51: How often do I wear a fake smile?

Whenever a patient or random person starts creeping on me. 52: When was the last time I hugged someone?

I hugged My niece so many times today 53: What if the last person I kissed was kissing someone else right in front of me?

I would tell him to go away. But like that’s just because I am mad at him. He can kiss whoever he wants. I don’t care. I don’t own him. He is his own person. 54: Is there anyone I trust even though I should not?

My friend Sam 55: What is something I disliked about today?

not sleeping all day 56: If I could meet anyone on this earth, who would it be?

idk?57: What do I think about most?

My niece and how much I miss her. and wanting to move out 58: What’s my strangest talent?

I don’t have any 59: Do I have any strange phobias?

caterpillars and rolly pollies 60: Do I prefer to be behind the camera or in front of it?

behind 61: What was the last lie I told?

idk? Probably something I said to a patient? 62: Do I perfer talking on the phone or video chatting online?

online63: Do I believe in ghosts? How about aliens?

no64: Do I believe in magic?

no65: Do I believe in luck?

no66: What’s the weather like right now?

sunny 7767: What was the last book I’ve read?

Emerald Dodge’s battlecry Series. 68: Do I like the smell of gasoline?

makes my physically sick69: Do I have any nicknames?

Low Budget Mulan, Sa’a, Scara, Hoe70: What was the worst injury I’ve ever had?

uhhhhhh My back? and also my wrists and neck. But this is all from work and having to lift heavy patients. 71: Do I spend money or save it?

both. But I need to start saving more

72: Can I touch my nose with a tounge?

yea73: Is there anything pink in 10 feets from me?

bubble gum tape

74: Favourite animal?

idk75: What was I doing last night at 12 AM?

working.76: What do I think is Satan’s last name is?

doesnt have one 77: What’s a song that always makes me happy when I hear it?

idk78: How can you win my heart?

memes, food, money79: What would I want to be written on my tombstone?

”guess I’ll Die”80: What is my favorite word?

idk81: My top 5 blogs on tumblr

i don’t have any 82: If the whole world were listening to me right now, what would I say?

Ambulances are not a taxi service and your stubbed toes are not emergencies. Pay first responders more. 83: Do I have any relatives in jail?

not that I know of. 84: I accidentally eat some radioactive vegetables. They were good, and what’s even cooler is that they endow me with the super-power of my choice! What is that power?

super sarcasm probably? idk? flight? invisibility? super strength?85: What would be a question I’d be afraid to tell the truth on?

this one 86: What is my current desktop picture?

default picture87: Had sex?

no, just waffles88: Bought condoms?

no89: Gotten pregnant?

no90: Failed a class?

many91: Kissed a boy?

yes92: Kissed a girl?

no93: Have I ever kissed somebody in the rain?

cant remember94: Had job?

many95: Left the house without my wallet?

yep96: Bullied someone on the internet?

just my sister97: Had sex in public?

no, just waffles98: Played on a sports team?

yes99: Smoked weed?

no100: Did drugs?

crack is wack101: Smoked cigarettes?

ew no102: Drank alcohol?

heck yea103: Am I a vegetarian/vegan?

no I dont hate myself104: Been overweight?

yes105: Been underweight?

no106: Been to a wedding?

yes107: Been on the computer for 5 hours straight?

yes108: Watched TV for 5 hours straight?

yes109: Been outside my home country?

yes110: Gotten my heart broken?

ye111: Been to a professional sports game?

I’ve worked them 112: Broken a bone?

yes113: Cut myself?

yes114: Been to prom?

no115: Been in airplane?

yes116: Fly by helicopter?

no117: What concerts have I been to?

Many118: Had a crush on someone of the same sex?

no119: Learned another language?

pig latin120: Wore make up?

ye121: Lost my virginity before I was 18?

no122: Had oral sex?

ew no 123: Dyed my hair?

yes124: Voted in a presidential election?

yes125: Rode in an ambulance?

Bruh. I work in one. I drive that bitch126: Had a surgery?

yes127: Met someone famous?

Many famous sports people and some others 128: Stalked someone on a social network?

every day 129: Peed outside?

yes130: Been fishing?

yes131: Helped with charity?

yes132: Been rejected by a crush?

no because I never make the first move. And I never tell someone I like them unless they have said they liked me first 133: Broken a mirror?

lol ye134: What do I want for birthday?

money135: How many kids do I want and what will be their names?

many. Idk?136: Was I named after anyone?

no137: Do I like my handwriting?

sometimes138: What was my favourite toy as a child?

furby and my doll139: Favourite Tv Show?

idk140: Where do I want to live when older?

yosemite, june mountain, mammoth, japan 141: Play any musical instrument?

no142: One of my scars, how did I get it?

on my hand, My mom poured hot caramel on me. 143: Favourite pizza toping?

pepperoni144: Am I afraid of the dark?

no145: Am I afraid of heights?

no146: Have I ever got caught sneaking out or doing anything bad?

no 147: Have I ever tried my hardest and then gotten disappointed in the end?

My whole life148: What I’m really bad at

everything149: What my greatest achievments are

nothing150: The meanest thing somebody has ever said to me

some stuff my mom has said 151: What I’d do if I won in a lottery

move out and buy a house and save the rest 152: What do I like about myself

nothing 153: My closest Tumblr friend

brandito and kelsey 154: Something I fantasise about

having a family 155: Any question you’d like?

rood

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daily-kit · 5 years

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The Daily Kit Project, Day 1

Life has taken a massively bad turn for me. If I were the only one affected, I wouldn't really care much. However, I have these three cats, and they deserve a place to live.

What am I talking about? Let me explain...

Through a series of events, most of which have nothing to do with my own choices (though I will admit to my choices being a contributing factor in the eventual outcome), my finances have been hit to the point where even though I’m earning twice the federal minimum wage in the “gross income” column, my actual net income is somewhere below the poverty line. The accounting mechanics of that are not the subject of this post, however, and I won’t bore you with those details.

I had finally managed to secure some extra money (thanks mom!) that wouldn’t be much but would, at the very least, help, as well as gotten the promise of a roommate/possible-future-life-partner for early April, when I got the notice about 10 days before the end of February that I had to pay off an entire $1.7k (Yes, that’s thousand) past due bill to my apartment complex or be out by the end of the month. There was no way I was going to be able to come up with that money, so I’ve spent the last two weeks frantically securing a place to go and a place to put my stuff and a place for my cats.

Yes, I'm homeless. I'm currently "couch surfing," and nearly all my earthly belongings are in a storage unit.

Thanks to “cat shelters” being fundamentally different beasts from “human shelters,” if I take my cats to a facility that would be able to house and shelter them, they’d be sold or put to sleep before I could get a new apartment and retrieve them.

Why “put to sleep”?

Let’s start with the Great Fat Cat Ronnie:

Ronnie is missing an ear and is very overweight. She’s also very sensitive to her specific environment. When I got her from the shelter, they were worried about her eating because she was refusing to eat most of the food they offered and was getting rail thin, and wasn’t especially personable. “Well,” thought I, “This looks like a good cat that needs lovin’!” When Ronnie passed the Munchkin Test (would she tolerate my daughter), I took her home and proceeded to do the Cat Lovin’ thing that Cat Lovers do. My daughter only visits me on the weekends, so what happened really slowly for me was blatantly obvious to her, Ronnie was getting FAT. In other words, her physical health was fine it was her mental health that was causing her weight loss at the shelter. Why?

She was a returned rescue. That’s right, The Great White Pudge had been rescued once, then returned to the shelter she’d been rescued from. That does things to a cat, none of them good.

Between the three cats, she’s reacting the best to the sudden change, but she’s still damn clingy and insists on sitting in my lap whenever possible to reassure herself that I’m not going anywhere.

Then there’s the Street Queen Murphy:

This poor kitty I picked up off the street, literally, back in Nov. 2016. She was so close to death her digestive system was starting to shut down. It took two weeks before she could eat anything without throwing it back up, and a few months before she could reliably use the litter without creating a mess everywhere. She acts tough, but she’s got neuroses and mental issues like crazy (heh). She has problems taking care of herself (she somehow doesn’t know how to sharpen her claws, which at one point led to an infected ingrown claw that I had to break off with a pair of pliers to get out of her pad) and will literally caterwaul if she wakes up and doesn’t see a familiar face. She seems anti-social, because she gets nervous if she’s been held for too long, but she only really turns on the purr if you can get her to sit still in your arms for five minutes while rubbing her belly.

Speaking of, she can’t seem to retract her claws. I used to get my hands scratched to all hell because I didn’t know how to disentangle my hand from her death grip on it because she loved the belly skritches so much she didn’t ever want me to stop.

Then there’s the Liquid Ninja Josie:

Back in early 2016 when I got Ronnie, it was a big deal for my daughter, who’s high-functioning autistic and loves animals.

Naturally, my ex-wife had to get a cat, too. 😒 I have no idea if this was intentionally done by her as a means of “one-upping” me as a parent, but I’ve heard this can happen, even subconsciously. Again, neither here nor there.

Josie was the result of the very expensive adoption process. (Seriously, my entire sunk-cost into getting Ronnie was about $200, and that’s including adoption fees, food, cat furniture, toys, litter, etc.) Josie’s adoption fees alone were more than $200. I’m not saying Josie wasn’t worth the money...OK, getting into weeds that are best left for a later post.

So Josie was adopted into a family that historically was predominantly dog owners.She didn’t appreciate being treated like a dog. The members of the household all wondered why she would scratch and bite. Gee, I wonder.

Anyway, around last Thanksgiving, I found out that they were planning on giving Josie back to the shelter. Having just recently taken in a shelter re-rescue and knowing what that would do to the poor thing, I volunteered to take a third cat.

Around early December, Josie started losing her ability to walk. At first it was just little things like struggling to get up on the shelf I had put her food bowl on, but when I realized she was having health problems was when I found her laying in a puddle of her own urine. The vet wanted to run all sorts of tests, including x-ray and toxicology, but this was around the time my finances were starting to get hammered, so I couldn’t afford it. This was also the seed of my mom’s willingness to help with the money, as she offered to cover some of the costs of the tests, but it would take a few weeks before she could do so.

Before my mom could send the first money, though, Josie’s condition started to improve and she’s now to the point where she can walk around to where she needs to be and use the litter unassisted.

So all three are “issue” cats that are unlikely to be adopted out again, and both Murphy and Josie have health issues that would require lots of TLC and probably appreciable vet bills. They are not good adoption material, and that’s not even considering the fact that all three are “bonded” to my daughter, and she’d be devastated if I had to give them away.

All three of these cats do deserve a loving home, and they’ve finally gotten to the point where they are a loving family of cats. Josie and Ronnie help Murphy stay groomed and Murphy is protective of Josie and will put up with Josie’s kitten-ish behavior.

So yes, in order to keep these three in a good, comfortable, stable home, I need assistance from my fellow cat lovers on the Internet. I’ll be posting an update every day, probably focusing on one of the three cats each day.

I do have a personal Ko-fi account, as well as a Patreon, but those aren’t specific to the cats. If you would like to provide immediate support, you can certainly use one of these:

Patreon

Ko-fi

I am interested in how you would like to support me, though. Let me know in replies and reblogs what service you’d be most comfortable sending money through.

#cat #cats #catlover #catlovers #homeless #homelesscat #homelesspets

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medusas--cascade · 2 years

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a mess

I was extremely stressed the entire day. I took a halfday sick leave to go to the doctors and discuss my results (my ultrasound and my bloodwork). So I have high cholesterol which perhaps also affects my flow and other things-- so the only solution there is to lose weight. I’m at like 151 lbs and that’s overweight for my height. Ok I just computed my BMI and it’s at 25 which is right off overweight. So at least I’m not insanely overweight, and that I can still do something about it. So I went for a walk awhile ago, partially also because of how stressed out I was. My prolactin levels are high as well. Marco (my friend from Baguio. he’s a med student now) told me that these are high usually for pregnant women. My doctor told me to get an MRI so I went to Asian Hospital to secure this, and I’m scheduled for one next Tuesday. I was kinda stressed because it costs about 22,000 or so, and I needed a letter of guarantee from my insurance company. I was paranoid it would get denied. I forgot to mention-- I need this to see if my pituitary gland is enlarged or something. Or if there’s a tumor. I read up on it a bit awhile ago as well and a lot of symptoms check out. Like i get nauseous for no reason, I get dizzy for no reason, my sex drive fluctuates heavily and I think i border on sexual dysfunction. I really just hope it’s not serious. Although I am glad that my request got approved and my MRI will be covered by my insurance. Gosh it is expensive to live without healthcare in this country. It frustrates me that that’s more than a month’s worth of minimum wage to check if you have a life altering condition that could potentially kill you. Ok maybe kill is exaggerating but my doctor did say if it is enlarged, it can hit other nerves. And then lead to all other types of side effects, like even blindness. I guess better safe than sorry. Although I did start thinking that maybe being dead won’t be so bad, at least I wont have to stress about anything.

Thank god work is not so heavy although tomorrow is set to be a heavy day. Thank goodness my boss is accommodating. Her name is Jill and Venn is the other girl with us in our department and a lot of my work bleeds into hers as well.

Anyway it’s Friday tomorrow then the weekend. I’m going to see Tim this weekend. There was supposed to be a WSDC face to face meeting but because of some problems and the kids parents not allowing them out, that’s called off. I’ll still go to QC to see Tim and sleepover with my mom in my Lolo’s house in Marikina. She’s been asking me to sleepover for so long and now that I’m fully vaccinated (and like I promised her), I’ll do it. I dont really want to do it but I guess i do want to see my mom, Tita Agnes, Lucas, and Lolo Ed. I don’t see them often, all the more during the pandemic. So I’d want to get to talk to them also

I have so many thoughts I should really write down more often so I don’t bottle it all up like this. I kind of want to break it off with Tim. I’m not sure. I know I’ve been a mess lately and it’s so hard to be a good partner when I’m like this. When im down all the time. When my mood is so unpredictable. When there are times he himself offers to go all the way here just to spend time with me but my anxiety somehow doesn’t want me to see him because of how much weight I’ve gained or any other problem. I think even before all this weight gain I didn’t want to see people. I’m not sure what’s happening. Maybe I’m questioning if we’re even compatible, or if I accidentally committed to this without knowing him well enough. I don’t know what to do or if these are even my real feelings or if I’m pmsing or anything. He’s wonderful and I really can’t say much wrong about him except in the few times he annoys me but that’s not even a valid reason. I think the problem really is myself. But at the same time I don’t even wanna let go of him because he’s one of the kindest and most understanding souls I’ve ever met, and I won’t ever do anything to intentionally hurt him. I’m so conflicted.

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thealmightygilf · 7 years

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My Story

I just needed to get this off my chest, it’s really long and quite waffly so if you don’t want to read on that’s ok

tldr: I’m a mess

I’m usually not the person to do this kind of thing but I don’t know what’s wrong. I’ve been feeling depressed for years now but I feel no one takes me seriously. I’ve been to the doctors about my mental issues but I’ve always been turned away, told I was just being silly.

I was bullied as a child. I was overweight, a know-it-all, easily wound up, an easy target. Everyone I’d tell about this would just say ignore them. How? When someone sends you messages telling you you’re worthless, how do you ignore that? I was so angry and I didn’t know how to express it. I chased people, I threw chairs, I screamed until I couldn’t anymore. I eventually got better at controlling my anger. Why get angry when no one does anything about it except you end up in trouble rather than them.

I had friends, great friends. I had 1 friend who I thought was amazing. I thought we’d be friends forever. We fought occasionally but people just do that. He’d yell, I’d yell and we’d get over it. In 2014 he sent me the most hateful message I’d ever received completely out of the blue. He called me a lowlife, a pathetic bitch that no one could or would ever love. I didn’t know what to do. I’d told him these insecurities in the past and he was using them as ammunition against me completely unprovoked. I did they only thing I thought I should do, I swallowed a box full of paracetamol and hoped for the best. The taste and the dryness made my vomit, I felt even more worthless, I didn’t tell anyone. I told my friends about what he said and of course they got him to apologise. He apologised and I forgave him like an idiot.

Also in 2014 my mum and dad broke up. My mum had found someone else. For my sake they let me stay in the house with my mum because with her higher income plus that of her new boyfriends they could support me. So I lived with them. He seemed nice at first, a little young (more closer to my age than my mother’s) but nice. As he got more relaxed he changed. I’d been in a depressive slump for a while because of the changes, missing my dad and preparing for exams but he didn’t like that. It was like everything I did offended him. Everything I did resulted in him shouting at me, threatening to kick me out, threatening to hit me. I lived with it, it was only 2 more years until I could go to university. I could survive.

That September I started Sixth Form as did most of my friends but they quickly dropped me as a friend. I had no one so I tried to make friends in my new classes and luckily I met someone. We were really close in lessons so I asked if I could sit with her and her friends at lunch. I started hanging out with them a lot and we were becoming great friends. It so happened that my friend and one of her friends had their birthdays around 3 days apart in November. I went round to hers where I met more friends of theirs who went to a different college. i had such a fun time with them and I thought I’d actually found friends that would last through Sixth Form, maybe even further. I got a text from one of the girls who went to a different college telling me to stay away from her friends and that I was disgusting. I asked my new friends what she meant and they agreed with her, minus the girl from my class who wasn’t online through all of this. They told me they were only with me to humour me by being friends with me and they didn’t need a fat oath like me hanging around. My friend from my classes stopped turning up to class and eventually dropped out so I was alone again.

I flipped flopped between being alone and going back to him and his new friends for a bit. He’d be really welcoming one minute and tell me to fuck off the next. I didn’t know what to think. Eventually I made new friends, friends I’m sure will stay with me forever.

Life with my step dad wasn’t fun. The closer to me moving out the less patient he got. I left a mug unwashed on the kitchen counter, he emptied the rubbish bin onto my bed. I told him I needed to revise for A Levels, he knocked over my bookcase smashing a small statue my dad gave me. I told him I didn’t need his help cooking, he threw a knife at me. He drove me to attempt suicide multiple times but again it never worked. Him and my mother argued constantly, he was mad she was taking my side when he almost stabbed me once. I finally moved out but they still argue, I know that much from the times I spend at home over the holidays. His anger got him arrested for reasons I won’t go into but he only stayed the night. I’m scared whenever I see him.

I went to the hospital after one of the times I tried to commit suicide. I went of my own volition without anyone elses knowledge. Again I’d tried to swallow a bunch of paracetamol, stronger one my mum uses because of her arthritis. I wasn’t throwing them up, I was so happy until I did around 10 minutes later, so much vomit came until I could barely stand. I knew I needed help. I went straight to the hospital and they didn’t pump me or anything, they assumed I’d gotten it all out. I went straight in to talk to a mental health doctor who referred me to my own GP. I told him everything and said he didn’t want to put me on anti-depressants because it didn’t seem severe enough. He didn’t want to diagnose me either because he put it down to teenage hormones. I begged him to do something so he signed me up for group therapy, but the only session was when I was supposed to be at Sixth Form. He told me it was that or nothing. I didn’t go back.

I’d only self harmed once in my life before that. I was 13 and had been teased too many times about being fat. A couple of lines on my wrist which I covered with a bandage thinking nobody would realise what it was. I was bullied even more and didn’t do it after that. When I got back from the doctors that day I was angry, I thought maybe if people could see I wasn’t ok then they’d see I needed help. I tried to intentionally break my arms and legs, smashed my head against the wall, did everything I could think of. Nothing, not even a bruise. I felt better though, like hurting myself made the mental pain I had go away. My own fucked up brain decided that I didn’t need a diagnosis, I didn’t need help, I could do this on my own. That point in my life was hazy. I ended up really self conscious because I didn’t want anyone to see what I’d done to myself. I think my mum could see this so she took me to a dieting group, said it would help me feel better. I lost 2 and a half stone and felt great. My self consciousness was still there but it was a lot less.

So I have friends, I’m away from my step dad and I don’t feel as self conscious about what I look like, so why am I still so depressed?

#my story #tw weight #tw bullying #tw suicide #tw depression #weight #bullying #suicidal #depression #confused #body image #tw cutting #tw self harm #cutting #self half

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jesseneufeld · 4 years

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Feeling Happy and Healthy, Medication-Free

It’s Monday, everyone! And that means another Primal Blueprint Real Life Story from a Mark’s Daily Apple reader. If you have your own success story and would like to share it with me and the Mark’s Daily Apple community please contact me here. I’ll continue to publish these each Monday as long as they keep coming in. Thank you for reading!

Folks, I have been grateful for every story that has come my way over the years. It’s an incredible privilege being on the receiving end of your reflections and evolutions, and they are why I’ve kept at it all these years—knowing the message and information have made a difference in people’s lives. I appreciate every single one. I’ll add that today’s has inspired me on a new level. It’s a powerful narrative and huge testament to the impact of diet and lifestyle on our mental well-being. Thank you to reader, Megan, for sharing her strength, tenacity and hope with others today.

Hi everyone. Mark recently requested success stories and work-in-progress stories. I’ve been meaning to write for a while, and took that to be my personal kick in the butt. I am a work-in-progress story. I was waiting until I was a success story, but as you will see even though my journey isn’t complete, I already am a success story. I have found inspiration from other stories, even the work-in-progress and failure stories; it is good to see that imperfections exist, and it is ok to fail. I can only hope to inspire others. Because, my story is one of hope—hope for myself and hope for others like me.

I had a difficult upbringing with a mother who had an undiagnosed and unmedicated mental illness. She tried the best she could to be a mother, but she was overly critical toward me and even competitive with me. I would hide in the outdoors, books and food. Secretly eating a bag of cookies by myself or hiding Halloween candy that I would binge off of when she wasn’t looking. I lived solely off macaroni and cheese for dinner (yes, every night) for about a year and a half in fourth and fifth grade until I suddenly couldn’t stomach the smell anymore (At 40, I still can’t to this day). Friends in middle school and high school thought it was amusing how hyper I would get from sugar and would feed me pixie sticks and other candies on purpose. You would think that I was extremely overweight with these eating habits, but I was active as a child through high school (marching band, track, hiking, cycling) and looked every bit the “normal kid,” albeit an emotionally scarred one; I was happy and bubbly on the exterior but falling apart inside. I was regularly sick with sinus infections or bronchitis. When I hit puberty, my mother’s criticism’s turned to fat shaming me even though I was actually technically underweight. I refused to eat healthy foods as a way to rebel against my mom. I excelled in school and read more books than ever as a way to escape.

I started to exhibit signs of a mood disorder when I was in high school with extreme bouts of depression and some episodes of rage, typically around “that time of the month.” The beginnings of grandiose ideas also manifested, on occasion. The depression was severe enough for me to have suicidal ideations, but no actual attempts. The depressive lows continued into college, but then the highs started to come. I would not be able to sleep until 3 or 4 in the morning and then wake up ready to go at 6 am for days on end. Then I would crash and swing back to extreme lows and want to sleep for hours. I didn’t realize anything was wrong until I went to the health fair at school. On a whim I filled out a “how are you feeling questionnaire.” I checked off a few boxes, handed it over and thought nothing of it. I was so used to feeling the mood swings; including extreme depression that I thought that feeling that way was “normal.” The staff at the tent looked over the results and was so concerned that they would not let me leave. They walked me right over to the mental health clinic to get checked out. That fall (2000), I was diagnosed with Bipolar I. Around the same time I also was diagnosed with an underactive thyroid and began thyroid hormone support.

Enter a series of different cocktails of psychiatric medications. My weight yo-yo’d along with all the side effects of the various medications (mood stabilizers, anti-psychotics, anti-depressants, benzodiazepines). I continued to have all the classic symptoms of Bipolar I, grandiose ideas, paranoia, severe depression, anxiety. I wouldn’t allow myself to have a credit card because I couldn’t trust that I wouldn’t spend the whole thing in a matter of a couple of months. I made one major attempt to take my life by intentionally overdosing on about 40 slow-release lithium tablets (please do not try this; after dialysis I am lucky to be alive and not a vegetable). I was also hospitalized on several occasions for short inpatient psychiatric treatment stays. I didn’t have many friends because I wasn’t stable enough to be a reliable friend. People didn’t know how to behave around me and treated me differently, like someone who needed extra care instead of just like anyone else. I went through various cocktails of medications and found I responded better to the older, but that I was never truly “stable.” I tell this part of my life story not to shock, but to say that there is hope for healing. I want to show how far I have come and how far it is possible for others to go by adopting the Primal Blueprint. Photo: me in 2007 after several years of medication.

I went back and forth with running over the years as a way to lose the weight that the medications put on. Running also became an addiction and a meditation for me; a different way to escape reality. Add in my rescue border collie to run with, and I was in heaven. Running with her was my happy place. It saw me through broken friendships, a divorce and meeting the incredibly supportive and loving husband I have been with for the past 10 years. On the first date I told him my diagnosis, and he said “ok, let’s do this.” My friends told me I was crazy to tell him. I guess they didn’t know my diagnosis…. Photo: happy wedding day. (Me in 2013.)

Without realizing it, running made me sick with more inflammation. I ran six half marathons and one full marathon before quitting due to severe tendonitis in one ankle. At this point I was frustrated. I had been heavily medicated for over 15 years and never really felt well; I felt like I was hiding behind a veil and not letting people see my true self. I started doing research on scholarly articles for how gluten and casein could play a role in exacerbating mood disorders. I decided to eliminate gluten from my diet. Within a week my husband asked where my stomach had gone. I had been so bloated for as long as I could remember that I thought it was normal.

Nursing my ankle back to health and still feeling frustrated, I continued with my research and somehow stumbled on Mark’s Daily Apple in early 2016. AND IT ALL CLICKED. The pieces of the puzzle finally came together. The health and environmental impacts of following the PB made complete sense and I was all in. I was already GF, but I started adopting more of the PB principles. We bought organic grass-fed meats from the local farm, ate organic veggies. I ditched process foods and sugar. I stopped drinking caffeine. I identified that gluten, caffeine and sugar gave me anxiety, and that dairy gave me depression. I eventually also ditched alcohol, which I realized also caused depression and sleep disturbances. I went from brittle nails to being irritated with how often I had to trim them. The extra 25 pounds slowly fell off over the next year and a half. I was on the lowest maintenance doses of my medications ever. My period was normal for the first time in my life ever, regular and with no PMS.

This is me on vacation in St. Croix in 2017 – I’m at my healthiest ever but still medicated.

I was doing kundalini yoga at the time and without realizing the power of the practice, I put myself into a manic state. Despite my pleas not to, I finally agreed with the psychiatrist to go back on Zyprexa. This medication destroyed my gut microbiome I had worked so hard to repair, and I gained 20 pounds back in a matter of two months. Once I was off the Zyprexa, I continued to eat Primally, but not as well as I had been. My psychiatrist is thankfully one who is a bit more progressive than most. He listened to me tell him that I felt like I was pinging back and forth on low doses of mood stabilizers to anti-depressants. He decided to take me off medication and see what happens. After 17 years of psychiatric medications, I took my last dose Thanksgiving of 2017. If that isn’t a success story, then I don’t know what is.

A year and a half later, I am still struggling to lose the weight, and have my periods back to normal. I struggle with sleep on a regular basis. I am working with a naturopath to identify supplements that support the methylation pathway issues we identified, and sleep is slowly normalizing. But I am still off psychiatric medication and my thyroid hormone medication dose has slowly been lowered by a third of what it was two years ago. I have had no paranoia, and no mania. I have not been hospitalized in almost three years. I have had only minor bouts of depression, mostly associated with hormones.

I can’t do the 80/20 rule like most folks can and am much closer to a 100% rule. That works for me, but doesn’t work for everyone. I do not eat gluten, except for maybe one special “treat” while on vacation once or twice a year. I do not eat dairy. I meditate and practice mindfulness and compassion. I do yoga, hike, walk, play with my dogs, and do body weight exercises when I am up for them. I use a kettlebell for my sprints once every week or two. I run a 5k once a month to get my running in but won’t allow myself to do more than that. I have embraced minimalist shoes 100% of the time, if I am not allowed to be barefoot (happy ankles and feet again). I have slowly been reducing my need for glasses for myopia. I began removing environmental toxins from my life years before I discovered the PB. Allergies are less severe and I have much less frequent sinus infections, and, when I get them I recover much quicker. So, while I feel like I am struggling to get back to where I was and feeling really frustrated, I have to remind myself that I already am a success story. My psychiatrist now jokes that I am a boring person for him and has discussed discharging me. He asked what I think precipitated the illness. I really don’t know the answer, but my guess is an unchecked thyroid condition (my antibodies were negative the one time I checked, so I don’t know if I have an autoimmune condition), a really bad diet, emotional trauma as a child and extreme stress. I don’t know the answer, but I guess it doesn’t really matter because I have a way to manage my symptoms.

This is me in the early morning after hiking to the top of Moro Rock in Sequoia NP in 2018. Feeling healthy and happy being medication free! Mark, my husband, my dogs, my family, my friends and I thank you for saving my life. My psychiatrist told me several years ago that of all the people he treats with Bipolar I, only about 25% are able to function in society (complete college and hold a successful and functional place in the career world/society). Statistics indicate that I would have eventually either taken my life or the psychiatric medications would have done it for me. Thank you again for saving my life and giving hope to others. I’ve often been told that I am strong to have been through so much and made it this far. My husband tells me how much he admires that I get up and face the world every day even though all I want to do is curl up with the dogs and a book in bed. He asked if I was scared what people might say if they found my story. It doesn’t matter. I’ve found that people are too quick to dismiss me because of a label. I’m sick of being a label and an outcast. If my story is out there and can help one person, then I feel fulfilled. Because maybe someone else is out there looking for another way, but they can’t find it because someone didn’t speak up to tell them that there might be. I really appreciate you giving me a way to take back control of my life. Thank you for giving me the means to help myself. Hopefully my story can provide help and hope for others.

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lauramalchowblog · 4 years

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Feeling Happy and Healthy, Medication-Free

This is me on vacation in St. Croix in 2017 – I’m at my healthiest ever but still medicated.

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cardio-maegaly · 5 years

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Saturday was good. I opened at the store and finished my barista retraining. Then I went to The Parlor with Britton and some of her new friends. It went ok, but I had been up since 3am. I was tired and had a hard time socializing, so I felt awkward about that. I also felt a little out of place. I’m not really into sports, and I’m not as accomplished or settled in as everyone else there was. I felt a little insecure. But they were so friendly, everyone I met gave me hugs when I left & offered to walk out with me. It made me feel really welcomed.

Work yesterday went well, too. I really like working at Starbucks. Rude customers don’t bother me nearly as much as they used to. & I feel like it’s easy to get along with people that work there. There’s something about being in customer service that makes you really flexible and good at getting to know people quickly.

After work, I went to the dispensary. I couldn’t spend a lot, but being able to smoke a bit after work has really helped my anxiety & with being able to enjoy my time a little more. It also helps for when I want to sit down and focus on writing how I’m feeling.

Today’s my day off. The only thing I was planning on doing today was going to a nearby costume shop. I saw they had signs up for 60% off backpacks since the school year just started. If they’re not too expensive, I’d like to get a something to replace my laptop bag. My purse is too small for my apron and hat when I’m going to work, but my laptop bag is so big that it’s actually kind of unwieldy when the buses are busy.

I downloaded some otome games. I’ve been playing My Horse Prince since I got here. It’s hilarious and I’ve actually enjoyed it so much that I looked up some other, more serious novel-like games. Mystic Messenger was the most popular one, so I just started playing that today. I’m not ready for dating real people yet by a long shot, but uhh...damn it’s nice to see my phone blow up with cute messages from AI anime boys. 😍

I told Matthew I was going to be vegan when I came here unless the food was free (& then I’d stay vegetarian). But being by the ocean makes that pretty hard, I’ve bought seafood food twice (California sushi rolls! Fried shrimp by the beach! 🤤). I’m terrible, I know fish farming is bad for the environment (...and for the fish) but it’s an infrequent vice so I don’t feel too terrible about getting it occasionally. I’ve also been getting vegetarian options just because there’s so much to try here & I don’t want to limit myself when I’m going out & meeting people.

Ah, but since I’m only getting one paycheck in September & my budget is tight, I haven’t been able to eat out much. I feel better when I eat vegan & I need to lose weight anyways. I’ve been getting free meals from Starbucks, and cheap snacks and sandwiches for when I’m home. I’ve also been tracking my calories and staying around 1200-1500 calories for the last week. I felt better about my body and my health last year when I wasn’t 5 lbs overweight. & hell, eating less is one way to save money.

But I’m already deciding where I want to go next when I can, maybe to celebrate things going good here on weeks where tips come in well. Place #1 is Doomie’s which has a closer location in Culver City now! That’s a bit of a bus ride from here, but it’s worth it because I’ve had it before & I know it’s my favourite vegan place here. Vegan animal fries are so much better than In n Out’s. It does suck that that’s the pricey option, though. Place #2 is C&O Trattoria. It wouldn’t have vegan options really, but I could eat vegetarian. It’s by work on the boardwalk, and it supposedly has the best garlic bread knots in LA. How can I KNOT try them? (ehh? ehh? >_>) According to reddit and Food Insider, it is custom to fill up completely on free garlic knots before your food comes out, and then take your entree home with you. Totally going to be doing that sometime when I move to my regular workplace.

Over the last week or so, I went through a couple different lists of personal values. I think it was helpful to consider what my own values are, some core personal ideals to consciously reflect in my actions. I didn’t settle on the ones that I wished I had. I think I’d be setting myself up for being disappointed in myself if I did that. Instead, I chose the ones that I think come naturally to me, make me feel good about myself when I uphold them, and make me feel like something’s wrong when I don’t.

They were:

Simplicity - I don’t really need a lot of “things” to be happy. I like traveling, I like food & cooking, I like having some art supplies & a ukulele or two around, and that’s about it. My happiest memories are when I’m just hanging out, indulging in those hobbies by myself or with a few close people. I feel satisfied and content when I can go to the ocean, or sing along to a meaningful song. I have fond memories of going to Friends meetings in Lawrence & meditating (even though I’m agnostic). I value experiences and close relationships over material wealth, signs of status, and other shallow or frivolous pursuits. As long as my needs are met, I’m healthy, & I have a peaceful routine, I am content.

I’m not true to this one when I get insecure comparing my life to others. I feel like I should be earning more money or doing something more prestigious, and it leads me into situations where I’m not able to live simply or spend time doing the things I love. But I still worry sometimes that I’m not ambitious or successful enough.

Authenticity - More than just simple honesty with others, I feel like it’s important to be honest with myself. I like me better when I let myself just be. I’ve always been kind of dorky and off-beat, and there’s nothing wrong with that. In fact, a lot of folks even like dorky and off-beat people! Being open with myself and others about how I feel and who I am reminds me that my inner critic is a harsher judge of me than anyone else ever is. & it’s okay to enjoy things, even if there’s reasons others might judge me for it. Just the fact that they make me happy is enough, and nothing else matters. Acting with integrity and being upfront about my mistakes is important to me.

I’m not true to this one when I try to alter or “dilute” my identity to suit the needs of others. I’m not always honest about how I feel because I try to avoid conflict. I sometimes feel insecure about being too dorky, too unrelatable, or too unskilled at my hobbies, and so I isolate my interests from others. These make me feel stifled.

Compassion - I feel good when I can make others feel good. I enjoy hosting friends & making a big dinner at a table for everyone to eat at. I don’t even like eating meat because it’s a product of animal suffering. I feel honored when someone feels enough trust in me to open up about their problems and let me help them solve them. I get satisfaction from being a part of something bigger than myself. It’s important to me to be thoughtful and considerate of those around me, and I’m motivated by what I can do to lessen others’ suffering.

This is actually the one value I feel like I overextend. But I’m not true to consistently acting with compassion when I spread myself too thin. I sometimes worry too much about other people’s problems and try to take them on as my own. I’m not always compassionate to myself. When I experience compassion fatigue and when I am not compassionate to myself, I retreat and I’m unable to help anyone. I feel like I need to learn to take care of myself first, like putting your oxygen bag over your own face before you’re able to help the people next to you.

Humor - I feel good when I can make people laugh. More than that, I've intentionally cultivated a sense of humor that is adaptive. It’s mostly affiliative (jokes everyone in a group would get, funny faces to make people laugh, wordplay, puns), but also about self-enhancing (jokes about my situation that aren’t mean to myself, but just generally commenting on the absurdity of life & being able to laugh at myself; “i watched so much steven universe that i moved to the beach and got a job on the boardwalk so i could eat fry bits & play ukulele by the ocean lol”). I like spreading cheer in a way that makes people feel good about themselves, and I feel proud when people know me for that. I make my own life and others’ easier when I use humor to diffuse stressful situations.

This is part a coping mechanism. I have a nervous laugh when I don’t know what to say, and it’s funny and odd so it makes others laugh. In fact, they enjoy it so much that they’ve intentionally tried to get me to laugh more. It’s such a defining part of *me* that sticks out to other people, that people miss when I’m not around, that I’ve learned to embrace it. I feel unhappy and disingenuous when I use self-deprecating humor or sarcasm. I get uncomfortable when others use a sense of humor that’s mean, aggressive, or self-deprecating.

Growth - I feel best when I’m practicing open vulnerability about my struggles with others, and I appreciate it when others feel they can do the same with me. I always feel proud of myself when I admit I don’t know something and want to learn more. I love trying and learning new things just for the sake of it, & then teaching those new things to others. I get a lot of satisfaction from giving others useful advice. I find my thoughts frequently go to what I could be doing next, what my next challenge will be. I feel confident when I can look back on the person I used to be and see progress. Personal development is important to me.

Self-reflection can easily turn into unproductive navel gazing. Also, while I enjoy being in “advisor” roles where I can help others solve their own problems, I need to be careful to avoid “leader” or codependent roles where their problems become my responsibility. Sometimes, I try to spend too much energy solving problems that aren’t solvable and I stagnate. I have a hard time deciding what I want to do next, and that sometimes means I end up doing nothing at all.

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literateape · 7 years

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Do You Have a Personal Relationship with Joe Janes?

by Don Hall

"Do you have a personal relationship with Jesus Christ?"

Ordinarily, I just avoid the spiraling pit of nonsense discussion that entering into this question/trap opens up. I know that the fact that I do NOT have a personal relationship with a long dead carpenter who, in legend, resembles Paul Bunyan crossed with Smokey the Bear is going to start a pseudo-psychological debate about my life and the void that I have in it.

Not this time. Just not in the mood.

"No, I don't. Do you support Off Loop non-commercial theater?"

"Can I tell you something about the Word of God?"

"Sure, if I can tell you about the Word of Joe Janes."

"Who?"

"Joe Janes. He's a prolific playwright and writing teacher. He's spreading His Word to lesser developed countries. I found that my life was spent in sorrow, in pain. I found myself empty and in need of a second set of footprints in the sand and a reason to live. And I found the Word of Joe Janes. Also the Word of Brett Neveu. And the Word of Coya Paz. And Kristiana Colón. If you aren't supporting the Off Loop theater scene, I can take you there and you will have the scales fall from your eyes."

He walked away to find another person to pester.

What a lot of fucking busy bodies we are. Like an entire nation of Mrs. Kravitz's, always snooping around, trying to find fault because each of us has THE SOLUTION.

I get it - when I worked my ass off (literally) and dropped 80 lbs, I became that fucking annoying busy body shitstain that went out of my way to tell my overweight friends how THEY could be like ME. I proselytized the use of the gym and eating less food and even went so far as to buy a gym membership for a friend who was struggling with her weight for HER BIRTHDAY. What a dickhead! "Happy Birthday, Fattie! Celebrate your existence today by allowing me to tell you how to live your life!"

Admonitions from sects and tribes of like-minded, self righteous Mrs. Kravitz's telling others to DO AS I SAY and your life will be better for it. Nosing our way into each other's day to make sure we communicate how deficient or sexist or racist or Zionist or Capitalist or...what-the-fuck-ever is up our craw on that particular day.

So, I'm perfectly fine if you have a personal relationship with Jesus Christ. Or have discovered the meaning of life by having children. Or feel a thousand times better since you quit smoking. Or went on a cleanse. Or feel you have found the best way to be a white ally to black people. Or just read, for the first time, some bell hooks and have decided that you are 'woke' and somehow understand. Or that the Cubs are just better than the Sox. Or that PBR really IS refreshing rather than just cheapass swill.

I hope you're fine with my disdain for the GOP, for highly commercial theater, for a fast food and grocery industry that creates kids who love sports but are so obese they couldn't bend over to pick up a football, let alone throw it. I hope you're OK with my defiantly pro-choice stance that is not limited to abortion rights but extends to letting people choose how they want to live without reservation save the caveat that they harm no one but themselves in the process. I hope you are fine with my belief that we live in a fundamentally racist society that also intentionally marginalizes women and homosexuals and encourages bullies by blaming bullying on the victims.

But I won't stand on a street corner and try to convince you that the way you choose to live your life is wrong. I won't wait for you to light up a fucking Chicago hot dog or double cheeseburger and take the moment to shame you for it. I won't punch your screaming, crying baby in the mouth. I'll avoid screaming at you on the street for wearing your "Make America Great Again" hat unironically or your "Black Lives Matter" shirt that your cousin bought for you.

I'm too busy trying to deal with my own hypocrisies and dualities and complexities to entertain your "One Size Fits All" solution.

Fix yourself. Teach me by your example. And let me walk down the street without being told how crap I am and how you can solve all my problems with some bit of magical thinking and a list of 'do's' and 'don't's.'

Otherwise, I'll break out my gigantic copy of Joe Janes's 365 Sketches and read them out loud to you in your yard for several hours. Seriously, though, it will change your life.

#Joe Janes #Jesus Christ #Mrs. Kravitz

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