#I don’t know I have body dysmorphia because I am not strong like that and because of like yeah gender stuff | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

l-e-morgan-author · 2 months

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Hannah's Letter

I wrote this letter rather as a letter to my younger self (with modifications), but a letter that's written by Hannah, and which is sent to Patience. I'd written one line back in December, then another today, and then I decided to draft the whole letter now, though it doesn't come up for a good while yet. Here it is:

My dear, dear Patience: When you read this, it’s most likely that I will be dead. A part of me hopes, still, that I won’t be. But deep in my bones I know I’ve gone too far. I have chronic illnesses now—caused by this. You might not know what ‘this’ is. I’ll tell you in plain language: I am dying of, or at the very least very ill with, anorexia. An eating disorder, characterised by restriction, body dysmorphia and (if left untreated and in serious cases) ending in death from malnutrition. It’s the most dangerous psychiatric illness, with the highest death rate. I promise you that whatever your mind may tell you (and I hope to God it never does), this hell is not worth your visiting. It’s not worth it. I wish I could get you to promise me never to go there, but I know that’s not something you can promise. Stay strong, Patience. Stay strong. It’s most often contracted (if that’s the right word) in adolescence: hence why I wanted to write this letter to you. I first had an episode serious enough to warrant help when I was in my late teens, during year twelve. I ended up having to repeat it because of it. I say again: I promise you that this hell is not worth your visiting. Because it is hell. Constantly thinking about weight and food and eating and—oh, I won’t bore you with it. But I hope you never come here. Not even for a visit, because that’s how I got here in the first place, and I’ve never got out of it. It was ‘just’ for a while, ‘just’ to feel more comfortable in my skin, and then I felt worse, not better. Please don’t think about it. And don’t think worse of me, I beg you: but I cannot stop you from following the dictates of your heart. I hope to God you find the strength I didn’t, strength to resist. I hope to God that you never feel this way. I pray for you every day. I love you, more than you can guess. You’ve been a delight to me. If I don’t see you after writing this letter, remember, please, that I love you. You have made me very happy. God bless and keep you. It is in his love that I leave you: and may his love always be enough for you. —Hannah

#tw ed #anorexia #patience changing #hannah shepherd #patience shepherd #Oddly enough my own sense of doom is receding on writing this

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kiefbowl · 8 months

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Hi <3 Idk if you remember me but I'm the anon that send you an ask about feeling terribly ugly and suffering from body dysmorphia. You and another user wrote some lovely words and advice and again, thank you. I just wanted to update you: turns out the reason I felt so horrible was because during that week, I took out my IUD and went hormone free for the first time since 14. I must have been experiencing some weird hormonal hurricane. I have suffered from severe body dysmorphia in the past but that was between ages 16 and 20 - I've mostly been over it. But I was so shocked to experience that feeling of self hatred and digust with myself again after so many years. I felt so hopeless and doomed, as if the world was ending and I need to accept that I am somehow disfigured. It sounds almost ridiculous now that I'm typing it out.

I feel much better now once my hormones have regulated a bit. I can't even get back to the mindset I was in when I sent you that ask. I guess I'm sending you this update also as a word of caution? Don't get me wrong, I am still a big supporter of BC but damn I was not prepared for the deep black emotional hole I briefly fell into once I got my IUD removed... it really makes me wonder about the type of person I would have been during my teens if I wasn't put on hormonal BC just because of acne and painful periods...

Thank you for the update!! I’m so happy you’re feeling better!!

I know lots of women when going off, or switching, or trying hormonal bc, they experienced a very similar change in their mood that really effected them. It’s definitely something we should talk about because while hormonal bc is a great option, it’s not the only one (and there’s so many choices of hormonal bc to boot!) and I see a culture of pushing it on women early and for every reason under the sun. We need to take it very seriously and be open about the side effects. It’s disappointing to see doctors treat it like a magic pill instead of extremely strong hormonal prescription.

In a perfect would, the medical industry would also constantly be improving our options and improving hormonal bc. I don’t think it’s the priority. The care and understanding that different women with different lives need different things, doesn’t always seem to matter to everyone in health care.

But at least by being honest about our experiences, we can help fill in the gaps and better prepare other women to make the right choice or at least ask questions when with her doctor.

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qitty-qat-quorra · 1 year

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May 6th, 2023 - 2 Years

On this day two years ago, I officially started undergoing hormone replacement therapy. And to this day, is still the best choice I have ever made in my life. It’s been scary and rough at times, admittedly. But not a day goes by where I regret starting my transition. Hell, my only regret is that I didn’t start sooner. But it’s never to late to start, and I’m happy I realized that. It’s so crazy to think that just a few years ago I was still repressing these thoughts, the possibility of a future where I like myself as much as I do.

Maybe I repressed for as long as I did because I felt like I didn’t deserve to call myself trans. I never experienced any strong feelings of dysphoria or dysmorphia. I didn’t really hate my body; it’s a good, healthy body. So I shouldn’t have any reason to complain, right? But it’s just not what I wanted, I guess. It took me a while to figure out that I don’t need some grand dramatic reason to be trans. I just am. There is no one way to be trans, there is no one way to be nonbinary, there is no one way to BE. And it’s like “duh, no shit, stupid.” But I tend to be the type of person to overthink these things when the answer is quite simple.

I think I am, I feel like am, and it would make me happy, so I am!

That’s more than enough reason for me at least.

Whenever I see online discussions on the the topic of trans people, one talking point always comes up: “People transition because they hate themselves.” And I can laugh knowing how untrue that is. I didn’t do this because I hate myself, but because I love myself, because I accept myself, because I deserve to pursue what will truly make me happy.

I say I’m trans, though to be honest, my actual gender is Nonbinary Trans Fem. I felt like the term trans woman didn’t really fit me too well. So when I heard that being nonbinary was an option, everything clicked. I’m nonbinary, but medically transitioning to be more feminine. Of course, I should state that you don’t need to take hormones to be trans. If you feel like you are and it feels right, that’s more than enough. That’s just how I’ve chosen to interpret my gender. Besides it all falls under the transgender umbrella anyways.

As far as pronouns go:

He/Him: ...acceptable... but not really

They/Them: Preferred

She/Her: Preferred (if you wanna make me feel pretty lol)

And my preferred name is Quorra. I don’t think of my old name as a “deadname” so to speak. It’s not like my old self is “dead”, more like I’ve transformed into this new version of myself, if that makes sense. I like my old name just fine, I was named after my father. It’s a good name, I just like this new name I’ve chosen for myself. But I understand not everyone feels the same way.

I guess I’m just rambling at this point. I just wanted to do a bit of self-reflection on this day to celebrate that first step I took to see the real me in the mirror. If anyone actually took the time read through any of this; I appreciate you, and hope you’re having a lovely day. Thank you.

Happy 2 Year Anniversary, and here’s to the next year! :)

#transgender #transfem #nonbinary #i actually call it my 2nd birthday lol #oh god i looked so dead inside back then XP #long post #gay rambling

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slasher-male-wife · 2 years

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This is just a trans rant because I don’t have anywhere else to go and a lot of cool trans people are on here.

Obviously talking about transphobia in this and strong language is used, brief mentions of an ed and toxic relationships

I hate having to tone down my gender identity for cis people. If I explain to them that I’m like more of a genderfluid man who uses he/they/it pronouns they get confused and ask a ton of questions or just judge me for using it/its pronouns. My mutual @the-slasher-madame described gender the best by saying its a sea creature at the bottom of the ocean made of mystery meat that jiggles when you poke it. That’s kind of like gender for me. I know I am 100% not a woman but I prefer more general labels like genderfluid guy because that’s what I am.

Don’t get me started on how annoyed people get about me not sticking to the gender binary. Other trans people often are like “You’re the reason people are transphobic” like mf you have a single wrinkle in your brain if you think transphobes didn’t exist before it/its and neopronouns. Like why do you care if I use masculine and gender nuteral terms even though I’m afab. I’m literally a 5′4 17 year old who can’t do a push up and is scared of thunder storms and the leper from it, calm your fucking tits I’m not going to murder your family or make you transition.

Don’t get me fucking started on people constantly sexualizing me for being trans. I think it’s the combination of me being trans, chubby and sometimes being fem that makes people think it’s ok to call me sexual terms even though I clearly state I am a fucking minor. Even if I was an adult it’s not fucking ok to call a stranger a slur I don’t want to say becaus typing it let alone saying it makes me feel gross. I had an interaction with an ex of mine who complained when I told him to stop misgendering me because he “finds it really hot” and “thought I was into it”. Also speaking of exes I have had many exes try to explain to me, a trans person, how gender dysphoria works and how I don’t have it because sometimes I wear a skirt and do makeup and don’t bind 24/7. A lot of my exes have been from the UK which makes me want to hate the region as a whole but Brahms Heelshire and Christian Bales exists (along with other actors I’m forgetting) are from the UK so for now they get a pass.

People act like because I’m a minor I don’t know I’m actually trans but the moment I become and adult I’m “grooming” kids by talking about being trans. Hrt and other gender affirmations have saved my life. For the first 14 years of my life I thought I was a girl was hell for me. It only got worse as puberty went on. If I could have gone on hormone blockers before I started puberty I would have 100%. I remember being excited for puberty because I always felt like something about me was off so I thought thats what would fix it.

Also I don’t have to and am not going to debate my basic human rights and happiness with you. I deserve respect as a trans person and I deserve healthcare. On a side note America should step up like most other wealthy nations in the world and make heathcare free. Also I hate the fact the only trans men I really ever see are skinny, masculine and maybe cis passing trans men. Along with gender dysphoria I have body dysmorphia which makes me feel even worse about my body. It crushes me to think about how I’ll never look like other trans men or even cis men because of how big my rib cage is and how my shoulders are never going to be right. How I can’t get rid of stretch marks and I most likely will have to pay out of pocket for facial masculineization surgery. I struggle to lose weight for many reasons which has led to eating disorders and so much fucking guilt.

I remember being told by an ex that I’ll always be an ugly fat t slur and I often think back to those words. I’ve never felt healthy true romantic love and I feel like I never fucking will because I’ll always be an ugly, fat t slur. Even in friend groups I’m the odd one out, even among other trans people. I have to constantly explain I can’t do this or that because of my bone structure and weight and how I can never feel comfortable wearing anything and most of the time all the “help” or “tips” I get is equivilent to me asking for maple syrup and everyone telling me to go lick a maple tree.

This kind of explains why my comfort characters are slashers along with Carrie White and Ben Handscome. I can relate to what they deal with and while none of them are trans men (canonnicaly) I can still find comfort in knowing that someone else understands what it’s like. I know this is kind of over sharing and literally no one cares but I just have to vent these feelings somewhere and this is my blog where I can do what I want.

#ziggy shut up #ziggys rambles #im sorry this is so long

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creampie--baby · 11 months

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okay i feel like i need to ramble into the gay void for a sec abt my gender/sexuality journey …

so, trying to figure out my gender identity is frustrating the fuck out of me!

like lemme try to sum it up and see if it makes sense 🙃

I know for a fact I do not identify with being a woman or man, 100%. and I don’t relate to either gender physically in the way that my body is gender neutral. Since losing weight and becoming smaller and more lean, I don’t feel any body dysmorphia so like if I was still thicc and curvy, I’d probably want gender affirming surgeries to make my body appear more gender neutral. my chest is small enough to not make me feel too feminine and besides, my physical body doesn’t change being an enby. like i’m comfortable enough with my gender to wear feminine items like lingerie or fishnets, sometimes dresses or skirts, for that to change my gender expression

BUT

putting aside physical attributes of gender for a sec, in my soul, I embody both femininity and masculinity in an androgynous way, if that makes sense?

and all of the non-binary/gender queer identities I see all center around embodying different levels? of identifying with the binary genders and that isn’t at all a factor with me. like gender fluid, bi-gender, demi girl/boy doesn’t come close to how I feel.

the closest gender identity term I can find that comes close to how I feel in my soul is two spirit but I’m only 40% indigenous and the nation I descended from isn’t even alive and active so I don’t feel like I have a strong enough connection to my culture to claim it as my own but literally nothing else fits me.

so for now I’ve kinda decided on the closest I can come is possibly being transmasc who’s comfortable with being femme and gender wise I feel closer to being a twink man than I ever would as a woman in regards to expressing femininity and masculinity at the same time.

having a label isn’t necessary but it would help to be able to sum up my identity in a simpler way y’know? because it’s obvi i’m not cishet and people do ask and I want to be able to answer any questions. my ultimate goal is to embody equal amounts of masculinity and femininity at all times and just be hot 🔥

am i just an androgynous enby? i feel like half the problem is my audhd making this so much more complex inside my head than it possibly is 🙃

#my post #lgbt #lgbtq #questioning my gender #gender expression

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totopopopo · 3 years

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I saw a video of like a cool woman working out like boxing and she was like super ripped and like but not like in a creepy way but like in like a like she’s stocky and muscle and strong and I am like I wish I looked like that

like fuck I wish that I was like athletic like I wish that I was like stocky in in the sense of strong and tough but I’m not i’m like not heavyset in an athletic way just overweight but like. I wish I looked like that lady but like I don’t know I can’t bc. I’m impatient. And can’t workout because I get soooo bored and frustrated and feel like everyone is so condescending and bc I don’t like overheating like if I didn’t mind that so much I would work out every day and shit because I like getting my energy out I just don’t like being looked at or getting hot because I hate getting hot and sweaty and because I get bored and because I don’t have enough time to work out every day and also because I don’t want to but I also want to because I want to be like a strong muscles butch lesbian and not just like un athletic me

#I want to do a sport like boxing like I want to do a sport I can’t just work out by itself #cause that’s boring #I want to box. like real boxing with a punching bag. for real. not just air punching in theory #if I boxed I could be strong and it would be cool and I would like lift weights and stuff to be a better boxer #like I’m being serious right now #but I don’t know where to start or like where to go for that #but I don’t know a place that has punching bags and like trains you how to box #like I don’t know how to start doing that for real #because if I could find a place that let me do that I would do that fucking every day like I literally would #but I don’t know how or where and I don’t want to pay for it #but I want to be like that lady who was a lesbian by the way thank you for asking #because like I don’t have body dysmorphia because I am overweight #I have body dysmorphia because I’m not strong and physically capable of you know #I don’t know I have body dysmorphia because I am not strong like that and because of like yeah gender stuff #like I look I wish I looked more intentional #anyways #ask to tag #I mean the fact that the world treats weight gain like a moral failure is unrelated but not totally unrelated #like I don’t know it’s really hard to exist like that there’s like constant shame in existence #I am OK with being overweight but I want to be intentionally so I want to be this week with muscle I want to choose my body #I just feel very helpless I think and also tired but I can’t sleep and it’s 4 AM love that for me #also I want to go running with Atlas #he barks at other dogs so I can’t right now so that sucks

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its-murderous-business · 3 years

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All the body positivity stuff I see is directed at people who are curvy with big hips and breasts. I feel like it’s just created a new standard that says you can either have a flat stomach and a tiny waist OR be curvy with wide hips and big boobs. What about us who are in between? I don’t have wide hips or a tiny waist. I have a stomach that distends. I have virtually no waist.

I’m not “fat” in the sense I’m not “overweight” but everytime I check the scale and see I’ve gained weight I have a panic attack. I know it’s not logical because I believe that your weight has no judgment on you as a person, but still it causes me so much anxiety.

I’ve tried to bring this up to my therapist but I’m kinda embarrassed to. Also it’s really only become an issue over quarantine and I don’t wanna talk about it from my home over the virtual sessions. I don’t know why I feel this way. I know it’s not logical.

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tsunderedoctor · 3 years

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If you're not too busy could I have a bit of an emergency request..? I feel so bad asking and I don't feel like I deserve it but I'm having a really really really bad mental health day because of body dysmorphia and how I feel about myself and I'm trying very hard not to do anything stupid. Uh I don't really know what I want for my request I didn't get that far but some kind of comfort from sanji or corazon please.?

Why not have both? But also, please never feel bad asking for comfort/help! It shows how strong you are to know when you have had enough, so thank you for being so brave. Remember! I love you!!❤️❤️

Babes Below~!

Vinsmoke Sanji

Seeing you look at yourself in the mirror usually brought him happiness, but today he felt just as down as you did while you gave yourself a heated look of displeasure. Walking over to you, he wrapped his arms around your waist and rested his head on your shoulder.

“Hey, you know I love you right? And I think you are the most amazing person in the world, stop giving yourself such mean looks, it hurts me too.”

Turning your head, you gave him an apologetic look, which he quickly shut down with a kiss.

“I meant it as a way to get you to be nice to yourself, not to apologize, come on I’ll make you some tea and we can talk about this if you need it.”

Nodding you took the hand that was offered to you and headed to the kitchen, feeling a bit better knowing you had him by your side for support and love.

Donquixote “Cora-san” Rosinante

Despite his clumsy behavior, Rosi meant well, he always gave you the time and effort you needed to know you felt loved, however, it was you who never gave the time or effort to love yourself. Which lead you to laying in bed, not wanting to get up or face the world.

Stepping inside the room, he sat beside your laying body, giving you a sympathetic look before speaking softly.

“I don’t know what caused this downward mood, but know I am here for you. You mean everything to me and you’re the only family I have left, if you decide to leave, I don’t know what to do.”

You gave him a questioning look, quietly asking him where this idea came from, but he only shook his head and tried smiling again.

“Come downstairs and eat lunch with me, I want to spend time with you and let you know how much I love you.”

Deciding you have been hard on yourself enough, you nodded before hugging the taller man, who in turned engulfed you just as tightly, before making your way down the stairs together, enjoying the little moments in life.

Tag List: @chloe-nanami @musical-apple @luxiditea @macdonaldsmanager @onepieceya @undercoverweeeb @athenaportgas @my-one-piece-experience @iam-gaaras-loveintrest and whoever else wants to join in!

#tsunderedoctor #ask #emergency request #black leg sanji #vinsmoke sanji #sanji one piece #vinsmoke sanji x reader #sanji x reader #donquixote corazon #donquixote rosinante #cora san #corazon x reader #corasan x reader #one piece #one piece scenarios

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haikyuu-appreciation-club · 3 years

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Hi, I have been reading your posts lately and I fell in love with the way you write! I wanted to request if you could do suna, atsumu and terushima when their s/o feels insecure about their body. Thanks and keep on writing these beautiful pieces of work!!☺️✨

ahhhh oh my goodness that's so sweet, thank you my love!!

I decided to do these for my medium sized girls because that’s my body type and I think it’ll definitely be easier for me to write about due to my own insecurities

also everything I talked about has been something I've personally experienced so I promise I’m not trying to romanticize anything. Being insecure comes in different way and I wanted to represent that so please read the warnings before proceeding

ALSO A REMINDER: ALL BODIES ARE BEAUTIFUL

anywhooo I hope you enjoy my love

• Terushima, Atsumu, and Suna Comforting an S/O Who is Insecure About Their Body (Medium Sized Girls) •

warnings: (TW) mentions of body insecurities (all), diets/borderline eating disorders (suna), body dysmorphia (terushima), panic attacks (atsumu; I don’t know if you can consider it a full blown panic attack but just including it as a warning just in case)

genre: comfort

characters: terushima, atsumu, suna

• Terushima •

you stood in front of your mirrior, poking and prodding at every imperfection that you found on your body

every single flaw became amplified in your mind the longer you watched your figure contort in the rectangle

you felt disgusted in your own skin and you just wanted all your insecurities to magically disappear

but you knew it wasn’t so easy

as tears began pooling at the rim of your eyes, you felt strong arms wrap around your waist

peering back towards the mirror, you were met with terushima’s reflection smiling right back at you

his pierced tongue darted out at you in a playful manner as soon as his he saw you stare back at him

but as soon as he noticed the tears streaming down your face his expression dropped

he placed a soft kiss on your cheek before resting his chin on your shoulder,

“What’s the matter, prince/ss?”

you tried to steady your breathing and the hot streaks continues to stain your face,

“I’ve just feel s-so insecure lately and I don’t know what to do. I can’t stand looking at myself without seeing every single detail I h-hate. I don’t even understand how you’re attracted to me anym-more”

you turned around and hugged your boyfriend, not wanting him to see you in the state you were in

hearing your words broke terushima’s heart

he was frustrated that your brain caused you to think this way about yourself

when he looked at you, no matter how hard he tried to see, there was no imperfection in sight

and he so desperately wished you could see yourself the way he saw you

as your sobs died down he pulled away from your embrace and began peppering your face with soft kisses, causing you to let out a laugh

he continued trailing kisses over your body, stopping at every area to tell you what he loved about it

your body was covered with kisses and praise from head to toe and once he was finished he cupped your cheek and pulled you into a kiss

a kiss filled with passion and love

a kiss that only terushima could make you truly feel

“I love you Y/N, all of you. And you better get used to hearing it because I'll be letting you know until we’re all old and wrinkly.”

You let out a laugh as you looked up at him, grabbing him by his face and pulling him towards you to place a kiss on his forehead,

“I can’t wait Yu.”

• Atsumu •

as soon as atsumu walked into your room he knew something was off

all your lights had been turned off and he felt the clothes strewn across your floor under his feet with each step he took

he thought maybe you had run to the store to grab something before your date

but he knew if that was the case, you would've called him and let him know

soon enough he got his answer when his ears picked up on the soft sobs that came from behind your bathroom door

he softly knocked, not wanting to fully ruin the privacy that you had found in those small quarters,

“Hey, Y/N? Ya in there?”

after a few more moments with no response, he gently twisted the door handle and let himself in

as soon as he flipped on the light switch, his chest ached at the sight before him

you sat on the cold tile of your bathroom floor in only your undergarments as you hugged your knees and sobbed into your arms

you were so lost in your own world of self hatred and insecurities that you still had yet to notice atsumu staring at you with sad eyes

“Y/N?”

your sobs came to a shaky stop, fear and embarrassment coating your body as you recognized the new voice filling the now brightly lit room

“Y/N, what’s the matter?”

you shook your head and scooted away from him, frantically attempting to cover your exposed body before he could catch sight of your imperfections

as he watched your chaotic movements, he began to understand what was happening and it broke his heart

you were so beautiful to him and the fact that you couldn’t see that hurt him more then anything else could

he slowly approached your shaking form, being careful not to freak you out so much that you’d push him away

once he got close enough, he sat down besides you and lightly placed a hand on your knee

although the light flinch you let out at his touch pained him a bit, this was progress

“Don’t worry, it’s just me baby. What’s going on?”

“I-I’m sorry. I know we w-were supposed to go out but n-nothing in my closet..f-fits.”

you began to sob once more as atsumu wrapped an arm around your shoulder, allowing you to bury your face into his shirt

he used his other arm to hold you closer, rubbing soothing circles into your back as your tears flowed

once your cries died down his grip on you didn't falter, instead he placed a kiss to your head and began to speak,

“Listen here Y/N, yer amazing just how you are and i love every inch of you. Clothes are just pieces of fabric, we can go shopping today for some more and go on our date tomorrow. Besides, I’d love to get a fashion show.”

he loosened his grip on you before peering down and giving you a big grin

you chuckled lightly, tears staining your face as you gave him a smile of your own

“There you are, and with that pretty smile too. How lucky am i?”

you wrapped your arms around him once more as you mumbled a soft ‘thank you’ into his chest

he pressed a kiss to the top of your head before resting his chin on it

“No need to thank me Y/N.”

• Suna •

suna had always been extremely attentive, both on and off the court

so it shouldn't have come as a surprise when he began to pick up on your change in eating habits

the way you’d always flip over the packages to check the calorie count or the way your portion sizes had become dangerously small

not wanting to jump to conclusions, he didn't think too much of it at first

figuring you were on your period and had a loss of appetite or something of that sort

but once those actions became an everyday thing, he decided he needed to talk with you about it before it became a serious issue

the next day at lunch, you two sat down with each other and began to chat about how your days had been so far

suna wasn't paying the utmost attention to the conversation at hand though

he was more focused on the small snack you had pulled out of your backpack

and once again he watched you with hurt eyes as you flip over the bag and poured a small amount of it’s contents in your hand before returning it to your bag,

“Is that all you’re gonna eat?”

you peered up at him with anxious eyes as your gaze trailed between him and the food in your palm,

“Um, yes?”

“That’s not enough food for lunch Y/N.”

“It’s fine Rin, i’m just on a diet.”

“That’s not healthy, and besides you don’t need to go on a diet.”

you sighed, peering down at the lunch table as tears threatened to spill from your eyes,

“I need to lose weight babe, i feel gross.”

suna got up from the opposite side of the table were he sat and made his way to your side, sitting back down and wrapping an arm around your shoulder,

“You don’t need to lose weight Y/N, you’re great the way you are. But if you want to lose weight to feel more confident in yourself, there are better ways to do it. I can help you if you feel like this is something you wanna do for yourself.”

“Really?”

“Yes, really. But just know i love you no matter what you look like, and your body will always be perfect to me.”

you smiled up at him before connecting your lips with his

you could feel the heat radiating off his cheeks at the sudden display of public affection but just this once he endulged in your antics and pulled you closer, deepening the kiss to show you just how much he loved you

•••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••

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awake-dearheart · 3 years

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it took me a couple days but here’s a rundown of things sebastian said during the zoom call with his trainer don saladino and the march challenge group. he was on for an hour and three minutes total. keep in mind this challenge was fitness oriented so most of the questions revolve around that. this will also be LONG.

first of all he had trouble unmuting himself which was hilarious

he had a carboard cutout of the falcon with him which made everyone laugh

he loved being able to support ronald mcdonald house and he was sad they couldn’t go this year. sweet baby

when he was asked what he struggles with in his fitness he immediately said body dysmorphia. like no hesitation. he said he felt like he could stand to be less hard on himself.

he prefers cardio over other kinds of workouts.

he mentioned a role he’s getting ready for that’s “a lot different” but he laughed it off and said he couldn’t talk about it. i’m thinking it might have been tommy lee?

he tries to workout even just a little before he goes to set even when his schedule is crazy.

when he started training he had NO idea what he was doing. it took him a while to get into a routine and figure it out. he credited don with working a lot with him and finding a routine that works for him.

he feels better when he can do something physical every day. he said it really helps him mentally because the two go hand in hand for him.

someone said they were learning romanian and asked him for phrases to learn in romanian he said (in romanian) “oh my GOD why would you do that?” he also said he thinks people learning romanian because of him is “one of the sweetest things.”

he was asked how he balances training to look good vs training to feel good and he said if he’s training to look good he’s never 100% satisfied. training to feel good and setting short term goals has been better for him.

don praised him for working hard to pivot his focus on the overall vs the day to day. seb said it was a lot harder when he started than it is now.

someone asked him if the workouts or the nutrition was harder and he immediately started talking about pizza and how much he loves a good cheat meal. the chat blew up talking about his cheat day video for men’s health.

seb asked don his favorite cheat meal and they went on a tangent about burgers and fries and vodka that had us cracking up. seb said he went through a period where he was eating some kind of chocolate every day.

someone asked if he found it mentally difficult to go from one body type to another for roles and he said absolutely. he said if he has a shirtless scene to do then a month before he cuts out ALL sugar. fruits, carbs, everything and he turns into a very irritable person for about two weeks.

he was asked how the pandemic has changed his training and he said of course it has. him and don worked together to create a program for him to do from home with dumbbells and they had to get inventive. he’s been running a lot too.

someone asked the strangest item he’s used for weights and he said he’d go to the grocery store by himself without uber or anything. he tried to do one big shopping trip to last him for a week and half and he’d be laden with bags and it took him an hour and a half to walk home.

he told a story about using a towel and a bar in his house and he said “you probably know it because some “super fans” love to leak my address. so kind. lovely people.” the chat became v enraged.

he’s never had to get in shape on super short notice. marvel usually gives him about a 2 month heads up before he has to shoot things.

someone asked if he was a dog person. he said he loves dogs and he’d love to have one but he travels too much to give one the right kind of attention. he said if he could have a dog he’d have a bulldog or a husky.

he was asked his favorite nyc cheat meal and his first answer was “seeing all of you there” and we all cracked up. his real answer was a pizza place called rubirosa. he specifically likes their white pizza. (who wants to go to new york and get pizza with me?)

who would win in an iso squat challenge? him or don? (iso squats are when you drop into a squat and you hold it. it’s been the most hated exercise throughout the challenge). his face was HORRIFIED when he remembered what they are and he said don would definitely win. “don you have thighs of glory” the group is contemplating making shirts.

he played some sports in school but he wasn’t a super athletic kid. he struggled in school a bit because he had an accent and people were picking on him. it took a long time for his confidence to build.

celebrate victories where you can. he talked about when he posted that shirtless picture from the gym as an example. he said it’s more for motivation and pride in his achievements than about showing off.

he mentioned the documentary “the weight of gold” as something he watched recently. he said it’s a good example of people who are gold medal olympians struggling with the same things as everyone else when it comes to fitness. he comes back several times to not being too hard on yourself.

he hasn’t lifted any weights in about a month and a half but he’s been running. he’s surprised at the amount of muscle he still has because he thought he’d lose a lot of it.

taking breaks when you’re working on fitness is so important. he says taking a week off sometimes is ok if that’s what you need.

they have talked about pizza at least 5 times at this point (32 minutes in) and it’s HILAROUS honestly.

he hates leg day. he knows how important it is because you need strong legs but he prefers doing arms and chest. “the squats can be so annoying UGH.”

someone asked him his advice for people who are starting an acting career and he laughed and said “quit all social media.” he walked it back and said you have to find a way to quiet the noise.

this mfer went to theatre camp when he was 15 and he did MUSICALS. we tired to get him to sing. it didn’t work.

“you gotta do you. you cannot lose you as you’re going. and you cannot care what people think.”

he talked about imposter syndrome in terms of getting reviews and stuff. he said when he gets bad reviews it hurts but sometimes when he gets good reviews he can think “oh my god they made a mistake” or “oh my god i have to deliver like this every time.” he said if you’re starting out ask yourself why you want to do this and make sure this is what you want to do day in a day out. make sure when you face rejection and obstacles you have the energy to push you to get back up and say “fuck you i’m doing me.”

recommended the book “the subtle art of not giving a fuck” as something he loves.

“there’s creativity in everything. you don’t have to be a pianist or an actor or a writer. there’s creativity in all functions. as people we’re all creative.”

he went back to instagram for a minute and said to use it for the right things and follow the things that you like or are inspired by. he loves that social media can be used to reach people but you have to filter through the negative stuff.

someone asked the meanest thing don’t ever said during training and he said don’s never been mean but he’s always been inspiring and motivating for him. cute lil bromance moment.

he was asked if it’s harder to get into shape physically for the winter soldier or mentally. he said now it’s more of a head thing than it was in the beginning. the physically part was challenging for him in the beginning because he wanted to feel strong to build his confidence. he felt he couldn’t be bucky without being strong.

civil war was his real hair but when they started filming it wasn’t long enough so he had extensions. by the end of the shoot it was long enough to cut the extensions out.

the line between overtraining and not being motivated to train enough is hard for him sometimes. things tend to come all at once or not at all and it can be a struggle.

he meditates and does some kind of physical activity every day at the start of his day. it makes him able to do the things he needs to do for the rest of the day better.

he thanked everyone for their support of tfaws and “making us look pretty good.” he’s very grateful for the turnout.

don says falcon weird. that’s not important but i wanted to mention it.

running is his go to thing. he feels like it’s a good meditative thing for him. his go to pandemic workout was 100 pull ups, 100 push ups, 100 sit ups, 100 squats and alternating with running. we all panicked and were like “100 PULL UPS AT ONCE??” and he was like no no no no no no no no space that shit out during the day.

he loves breakfast but he doesn’t eat it at breakfast time. he joked he was going to eat breakfast after the call (which ended at 7PM). he likes anything with eggs and avocado.

there are still directors he wants to work with that he can’t get to see him for parts. he did three audition tapes, two in person auditions, and a screen test to get bucky.

he just recently learned what “thirst pics” are (he figured out from the chat it’s thirst traps). when someone told him that picture from the gym was a thirst trap he was like “oh great well that sounds terrible.” men’s health didn’t call him until after that pic. he had reached out to them before that but that was the thing that made them call.

“make fun of yourself. you have to not take yourself too seriously.”

they both talked about how being able to do things like this is a privilege. there are always days when seb or don or anyone walks into a gym and doesn’t want to be there.

this is the part that made me emotional as FUCK. he’s had days where he’s gone to set and been like “what the fuck am i doing?” he says every time that happens he thinks “this is the time they’re gonna realize i can’t do this. this is when they’re all gonna know i’ve never been good at this.” he said in those moments you can’t just say “no no no i’m the best.” he said sometimes affirmations work and they can be as simple as “i’m gonna try to have a good day today” and it doesn’t have to be “i have to be the best version of myself.” it can just be “i wanna have a good day today” but on the days when you don’t feel good about things and don’t know what you’re doing he said you have to go there and say “ok i don’t know what the fuck i’m doing. fuck everything.” be in the thing that’s happening to you and give yourself permission to be down for a minute. find a compromise with yourself. if you can’t run the same three miles you’ve run all week and you just don’t want to, maybe you go for a walk instead. (his example not mine i DO NOT run). when he’s been in those moments of defeat accepting it had lead him to things he didn’t plan for and he finds those moments to be gifts in a way. accepting it and saying “today is that day” your body and your mind can start moving into finding other little things to do.

he came back to pizza one more time. i love him.

he recognizes how lucky he is to have the life he has. he says it’s important to pay attention to give a fuck about things and to give a fuck about things that will help other people.

watching him talk the whole time he seemed so happy and relaxed. he seems like such a light hearted and fun person and he laughed SO much

that’s the end y’all. thanks for sticking around and reading all my hastily typed notes

#Sebastian Stan #don saladino

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sapphicmsmarvel · 3 years

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You Are Strong

masterlist

HP masterlist

TWS: describing anxiety, depression, OCD, ADHD, an eating disorder (ARFID).

I am basing all of this off of my own issues because this is how I cope. Please, PLEASE, do not read if you are triggered by any of the topics above.

-When you told him you struggled with anxiety and depression, he went to the library and tried to find as much research on those topics.

-He even asked Hermione for help (she’s your best friend and does know about it), she gave him tips and tricks and pretty soon he was a great help with this stuff.

-He has a fucking spidey-sense when it comes to your moods and how you’re feeling.

-He's as loving as can be. Patient, he’s understanding, he makes sure you take the first move because he knows during anxiety and panic attacks usually people don’t wanna be touched.

-With your mental health, aka your anxiety and feeling overwhelmed in situations, that can lead to intense spouts of anger.

-He doesn’t have to worry about you being mad at him, because he knows you’ll outright tell him.

-But you don't tell anyone else.

-“I’m so angry that I'm shaking, Freddie.” You said with tears in your eyes.

“I know love, why don’t we get the fidget cube and you can hit the button over and over.”

“It won’t annoy you?”

“Never. You never annoy me.”

-He always carries a pen. You thought it was because he wanted to always be prepared if you were feeling randomly anxious, so you could just click it over and over.

- He also always made sure there was sour candy inside of his dormitory, the reason was because he knew of the sour candy trick. (eating sour candy will sometimes help with anxiety because all your brain will focus on is that candy).

-You gave him the password for your common room in case your mental health got bad and you didn’t get out of bed. Also everyone in your house were aware of what he was there for, and didn’t give him shit since he was helping you.

-Draco may hate Fred Weasley, but he was helping you, the house’s head-girl.

-Anywho, you guys follow a “thumbs up” or “thumbs down” rule. He’d ask if he can hold you, you’d give an answer, if you wanted food, if you wanted him there, etc.

-He learned early on that the first thing to go out when you’re having a bad day is your talking. But you two worked out a system to keep communication between the two of you alive.

-You struggled with eating, you had an eating disorder called ARFID (Avoidant Restrictive Food Intake Disorder).

-He noticed one day you weren’t eating your normal amount, he thought nothing of it. Then, the habit continued.

“Hissy?”

“Hm?” You said, looking at your textbook.

“Why...haven’t you been eating lately?”

You sighed, “I was hoping you wouldn't notice if I’m being honest here.”

“Of course, I’ll notice.”

You sighed, “I struggle with an eating disorder, it’s called ARFID. It means Avoidant Restrictive Food Intake Disorder. It’s not the same as binge eating or anorexia, I just limit my intake.”

“Why?’

“Because it’s linked to my mental health. I know I’m bigger than most girls and sometimes…” you shrugged. “I get insecure. And it links to body dysmorphia as well and I just have issues with my body due to trauma.”

“I’m sorry.”

“I don’t want your pity, Fredward.” You said with a smile.

“I know, and it isn't pity. I’m sorry that you’ve been going through this alone. Is there anything I can do to help?”

You shrugged, “it goes in and out. SOmetimes I won’t relapse for a year and sometimes it’s for a month. It happens when there’s a big food related event around the corner, or a dance and I’ll diet myself.”

He connected the dots. “Like the Yule Ball.”

You nodded, “like the Yule Ball.

-Since that conversation, he’s hyped you up even more than usual. At the Yule Ball, it was the first time at a fancy event that you didn’t avoid eating the day before.

-You had an amazing time that night, the next week though, you were feeling guilty.

-In Fred’s dorm one night, you spoke.

“I’m sorry.”

“For what?” He looked up at you from your lap.

“For being so depressing of a person.” You were avoiding looking at him completely.

He immediately sat up. “Hey.” He said gently, you looked at him with tears in your eyes. “Why would you say that?”

“Because, I know this stuff can be a burden.” You whispered.

“Who on earth made you feel like you were a burden?” You shrugged, “people I used to be around.”

“Fuck. Them.” He said, “you are so valid in what you feel, you are strong. You are the strongest person I know. To be battling your own mind and body everyday, you put others before yourself despite the fact that you are in a war all by yourself. I’ll never know what it’s like to deal with this stuff, but you take it and you deal with it. You put a smile on and you make sure others feel happy. Last week, Ginny was crying and you held her, you gave her such loving advice. You could’ve brushed her off, you could’ve told her you were dealing with stuff and didn't have time, but you made time. You make time to help others despite the shit you deal with on the daily. I love you, and you are never a burden to me.”

#fred weasly x reader #fred weasley x y/n #fred weasley x slytherin!reader #fred weasley x you #fred weasley #slytherin

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littledewdrops2 · 3 years

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My niece loves to perform and she is a mini boss lady, into making clothes for her dollies and always gets super invested into a character, stellium in 12th, all her planets are gemini and leo hahah.

A good friend of mine has her Venus in 12th. I’ve seen this a few times in people that have body dysmorphia, struggle with eating disorders. She is absolutely gorgeous and creatively talented, and she really struggles to see this in herself. There’s a lot of self doubt.

Cacner mars here but damn I love leo mars hahaha, my bestie is one, two of my sisters, my extremely well loved grandma. There’s no one like a leo mars to hype you up and they will cut you if you are out of pocket with anyone they love, because they are royalty in leo’s eyes. I unashamedly wanna spend all my time with you, lmao.

My dad thinks he comes across sooo differently then he really does Neptune conj rising and his rising is scorpio, lmao he comes across as sooo intimidating but he thinks he’s easy to come and talk to and doesn’t understand how other people keep distance from him. He has Lilith and pluto in 10th and has no friends. He doesn’t try to make them either (he dgaf hahah) but really I think his intensity is sooo obvious to others.

My sister is the best person at advertising herself and promoting herself, she’s extremely private but amazingly talented and yes, handling others people seems so natural to her. A BOSS, I hope she sees this. She has a stellium in leo in her 8th. She also has a libra mc! She’s strong and brave and intense. Also her Neptune and Uranus being in her first makes her so interesting and special and different.

My son has been talking about how he wants “fancy brown shoes and a blue suit”, and if that doesn’t fit these bougie signs hahah. Libra rising, libra mars and taurus venus in 7th.

Talk about virgo energy being healing and helpful, my baby girl is all that and more. Everything is a baby to her. If you lay down on the floor, she is there in a second with a pillow and a blanket. She will rub your back if you’re sad and get this, one time we had talked about how I was feeling a little stressed. She asked why and I said a few of the things I had to clean up.

This little angel, grabbed a notepad and her unicorn pen and wrote down what I said and then said “I wrote down all the things that are not beautiful so we can tell them to leave and you won’t feel stressed.” Like y’all, I don’t deserve such blessings.

My son has said things to me that have been ON ANOTHER LEVEL. He knows some about my relationship with my mom because inevitably kids ask. He knows she didn’t know how to love me and that we don’t talk because when I asked her to apologize and say sorry and change, she didn’t.

Anyway, one mother’s day my daughter wanted me to call my mom and before I said anything my son said “Well she- HOLD ON”, “Mom, did she love you?” I said, “No baby, she didn’t know how.”

I cried a bit and he jumped on me and said “WE HAVE YOU NOW AND YOU HAVE US” This is my cancer moon, cancer mercury kid.

The epitome of it’s beautiful and scary is Libra sun and aries moon/scorpio rising, lmao, my neice has this and she is A FORCE to be reckoned with. She loves make up and fashion but also eyes and all this spooky hahaha.

TW Abuse mentions ---

I have nessus conjunct my vertex. I sat with it for a while, vertex being what is brought into our lives and nessus being the asteroid that represents abuse. I genuinely have felt this play out in my life, I still am working on getting back out in the world after an assault. Now I don’t think that one aspect is going to signify what could you possibly go through but if you look at your chart and have the same nessus placement, please be careful. Please learn red flags, please love yourself and keep yourself safe.

I have pluto conjunct mercury in 6th both squaring my chiron in 4th, when I was younger I didn’t speak, not that I was unable to speak, I couldn’t get the words out. I was filled with anxiety, and terror.

Chiron trine north node, I am meant to be on a healing path in my life, and with pluto squaring chiron, the call to transform my life and trauma is something I constantly feel and caused tension in my day to day life and at work. I may be able to turn around and help other people heal once I have done my work.

Chiron square moon, this right here has been painful. This connects my 4th house and the 12th house, my mom has been institutionalized, and she has MS. When I was young, for a long time they had no idea what was wrong with her, and she was misdiagnosed for many years. The connection between my chiron and the 6th too with my pluto, my mom’s illness did transform my life.

If you feel misunderstood by your family, you probably won’t have all those wonderful overlays that other people talk about in your charts with them. A lot of the overlays with my parents are negative planets in my 4th, pluto, lilith, mars and overlays in 2nd house, 8th house and 12th. Feeling very vulnerable around them, scared and intimidated, there has always been not-so-subtle possessive feelings, obsessions and jealousy flying around. This is combined with terrible synastry also.

#astrology observations #astrology #astro notes

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