#I NEVER REMEMBER THE ART TAG I ALWAYS HAVE TO EDIT THE POST TO COME ADD IT

[wishjacked]

Happy #WebcomicDay!! :D

This year we're celebrating the process of making pages... so below the cut I've got a bunch of pictures sharing how I go about making pages of my evil post-apocalyptic workplace sitcom, Cargo!! :D

So! My process!!

Writing-> I think sometimes there's pressure to "write" your comic a certain way, I see people talking about script format and stuff a lot. That really doesn't work for me, though! I write my "first draft" script in short scenes on scrap paper, in whatever order they come to me. Sometimes a scene will just be one or two lines, and then a little description of what I want to happen in the rest of the scene.

Later I type the scene up, and write the "connective tissue" that fits between the disjointed scenes so they all flow together like they ought. I don't do page breaks or even character tag or action notes hahahaha I like it to be as BASIC as POSSIBLE so it's easy to edit. And since I'm the person drawing it I can almost always remember who's supposed to be saying what lmao

I edit a lot, but the most major editing is also probably the last bit... when I letter my pages usually I realize "they would never say that" and so I end up rephrasing everything. My art brain is sometimes waaaaay better at phrasing hahaha. Like you can see in the finished page for this script I rewrote like basically all of it, and actually went back to the original "sketch" script in a lot of places.

Thumbnailing-> my thumbs are really big, I draw them with markers on printer paper and keep them in a binder!! I like to thumb scenes in batches and I also usually write my dialogue on them, just so I can read through them before (and while) I draw to get a feel for how the pacing works. :)

Sketching-> OH sketching is also really hard for me! I don't have a good visual imagination so it's really important for me to make sure I have good references. Last year I was especially focusing on setting.

My comic is set in Florida. I'm lucky in that I used to live there and still go back to visit sometimes, so sometimes I can gather my own reference images! But more often I start on Google Maps or Zillow, trying to find buildings that have interesting features or the right kind of "look" for what I want. I'll also look up other interesting elements, my comic is set in a post-apocalypse and I'll research home gardening and things like that which people would probably have.

For example, in this set in chapter 7, I used Google Maps images, photo references of indoor hydroponic gardening, and like, 90's-00's hacker computer setups haha. Also my BFF Roomstyler.com, where you can make 3d house interiors haha!!

Lineart-> I LOVE lineart it is my favorite!!!! I sketch and ink two pages at a time, and it usually takes somewhere between 10-12 hours to do both steps.

I actually think my art looks best when it's just lineart... but I think my STORY is better with color, like it makes it clearer and easier to read and it has a better atmosphere HAHA.

Colors-> I think it usually takes me 4-6 hours to do 2 pages (I haven't timed myself as consistently as I time my lineart and sketching). I have a big file with small copies of my previous pages that I color drop from, and my characters are all flats only. The limited palette that I use is also really handy, it streamlines coloring a LOT.

Finishing Touches-> aka I steal mercilessly from my one true love, my internet home, the beautiful and blessed Wikimedia Commons

I put lots of overlay layers on my art! I like textures so having some strange little textures or pictures on things makes my art feel a lot more finished to me.

And finally my very most favorite ✨finishing touch✨ is the bright colored/patterned gutters that I use. Here are some of my favorites that I've made and used in the past!

And that's all!! I hope you guys have a very happy Webcomics Day and find lots and lots of wonderful new things to read!!!

#WebcomicDay #Webcomic Day #my art #webcomics #webcomicsday

[dannybobany]

Hey so that idea I had a few posts ago? ⬇️

Decided to start drawing

I think I explained it kinda badly in this post but maybe the art clears it up a little? Oh also stranger is here. Say hello to stranger guys :)

Out of the three main “new fears” I had ideas for it may have been a bad idea to do this one first because it took AGES to draw

But anyway, this is Malice! It takes the form of Kel and Hero (not for any reason just because the other two were taken), it represents Sunny’s fear that he’s a bad person and just faking his struggles for sympathy <3

I’m very aware its anatomy doesn’t make sense but …. Idk. It’s a nightmare monster what do you want from me (except the hand the hand is supposed to look like that) .. anyway Sunny buddy your hospital fever dream monsters are frightening

(Oh by the way, I went in and changed this a little so if you saw this before the edit. no you didn’t)

Bonus:

Cloak version that got lost after I merged a layer I wasn’t supposed to.. also all the references

#it could also be called Masklophobia #because yk.. comedy and tragedy masks? #I’m not sure if I’m gonna continue with this idea above drawing the other two for Aubrey and Basil #but uh… yeah!! #this au doesn’t have a name but it might get one #I forget what Aubrey’s was but I think basils is … rejection? yeah that’s what I named it #will this be a fic ?? uh!! maybe!! #after I’m done with the Halloween one of course #anyway! off I go to draw more horrors #omori au #<-it’s his hospital fever dream monster so #might as well tag him #Danny’sDrawings©️ #I NEVER REMEMBER THE ART TAG I ALWAYS HAVE TO EDIT THE POST TO COME ADD IT #Omori!RecoveryAU

[tenelkadjowrites]

Arrow in the Dark - Final Part: Dynasty - Seonghwa x Reader (NSFW)

PART ONE HERE. PART TWO HERE.

🏖️ Summary: With the beach house weekend finally here, certain decisions need to be made in regards to the ever changing relationship you have with your fake boyfriend, Seonghwa.

🏖️ Word count: 21k

🏖️ Genre and warnings:  wealthy seonghwa. fem pronouns for reader. fake dating trope. depictions of emotionally manipulative parents. depictions of drinking. car sex, semi public sex. unprotected sex. creampie, cum eating. dirty talk, praise kink. 

🏖️ Tags: @thewonderofkpop - @obligatoryidolblog - @iusrene - @yunhofingers - @foggyinternetchaos - @multihoe-net - @spiderrenjunfics - @whatudowhennooneseesyou - @jess-1404 - @just-here-to-read-01 - @lilhwahwa - @btsreader12 - @talkbykhalid - @rdiamond2727 - @inneratinyrebel - @8tinytings - @xirenex - @meowmeowminnie - @revehosh - @nevieatiny - @nirvanawrites111 - @madamdionysia - @a-tiny-teez - @idunnowhatonameit - @jejeyeppeo - @ateezourstars - (sorry if i missed anyone.)

🏖️ Author’s note: Due to being heavily impacted by Hurricane Ian this isn’t edited with the usual hyper attention to detail I typically give my fics in order to cut myself a break during this time. I ask for your understanding while reading this in regards to any typos, etc.

this fic is not meant to represent Seonghwa in any way, shape or form.

               In the glaring light of the morning, your phone vibrates with a notification. You are on very little sleep, mind buzzing from Seonghwa’s words to you the night prior, the nerves of the impending beach house weekend and your own storm of feelings about him. By Monday morning, certain things were going to have to be decided: if you are going to accept the money for pretending to be his girlfriend and if you were going to tell him the ever growing intense feelings you now harbor for him.

               Groggily, you grab your phone, wondering why Hwa would text you this early. It is only a little past eight in the morning and he isn’t coming to get you until noon. But it is an Instagram notification instead. Curiously, you unlock your phone and bring Seonghwa’s latest post up.

               It is of his lavender oat milk latte with just a caption of a purple heart emoji. Surprised, you sit up a little, staring at the photo. The conversation from the first meeting in the coffee shop comes back to you.

               “It’s an oat milk lavender latte,” He pushes it towards you, “Do you want to try it?”

               “Oh, uh, no thank you,” You say sheepishly, “I was just curious. It’s pretty. You should have taken a pic of it.”

               Seonghwa blinks in surprise, looking back down at the ruined art on top. “Why?”

               “Cuz it’s so pretty. That way you’d always remember it and how you felt when you first saw it,” You explain.

               “I never…thought of it like that before.”

               You shrug. “Maybe next time.”

               You don’t know why a photo of his coffee makes your heart race but it does. It just feels like more evidence that there is something else going on between the two of you besides money, sex and tentative friendship. Kicking the covers off your legs, you decide it is time to get ready. Whatever happens this weekend between you and Seonghwa, the thing that matters the most is making sure he can get out of his arranged marriage. You have your doubts that his parents, especially his dad, would actually agree to stop trying to force Hwa into it. Secretly, you wish he would realize how manipulative and horrible they are and that they care more about the company than their own son. But for Seonghwa, you are determined to try your best to be as helpful as possible.

*

               Opening the car door, you slide into the passenger seat, relieved that Hwa didn’t show up in the limo. You toss your bag in the backseat and wiggle down a little, trying to make your skirt go to your knees. This is the only other semi-nice outfit you own although you don’t know why you bother when his parents won’t find it up to their standards.

               Seonghwa’s eyes flash down to your thighs as you move the skirt down before looking up at you. “Got everything?”

               “I guess so,” You say, studying Seonghwa’s face. Even though it has only been a night of not seeing him, it feels like forty years. He looks a little tired, wearing an oversized white button up shirt with the sleeves folded up a bit, exposing his arms which your gaze lingers on. It hits you just how endless the time without him felt and how you cannot get enough of him. That scares you; never in your life have you craved being around someone and never before have you felt so much over one singular person. It isn’t just lust at play or even a “crush” but something running much deeper. “Uh, how long of a drive is it to the beach house?”

               “About an hour if we hit traffic,” He replies and he sneaks another gaze at your legs. You clench your thighs, trying to ignore the fact that you have been around Seonghwa for about one minute and your body is already responding to him in such a manner.

               Seonghwa pulls the car carefully back into the street. The radio is playing music quietly. Neither of you speak. It isn’t awkward exactly but it isn’t comforting either. You wonder if he is preoccupied by the upcoming weekend or if nerves are getting to the both of you about pretending to date all weekend.

               Trying to find something to talk about, you say, “I liked your picture this morning. Of the coffee.”

               He glances at you out of the corner of his eye. “Yeah? I grabbed it this morning and thought about what you said the first time we met up.”

               “Congrats on your first Instagram coffee photo. You’re just like everyone else now.”

               Seonghwa smiles quickly, ducking his head a little to look out the side window as he makes a turn. “I guess so.”

               “Now we just have to get you caught up on every important pop culture moment of the last fifty years and then you can make boring small talk at all those future dull company meetings you’re gonna be attending one day,” You remark, leaning back in the seat.

               When Seonghwa looks back over the steering wheel, you can see his expression has soured. “Don’t remind me. Yesterday was so boring. And father loves it. He’s completely in his element navigating bossing people around and studying numbers. I had a hard time focusing.”

               So am I, you think, looking at the curve of his wrists as he holds the steering wheel, his slender fingers curling around it. It is difficult not to think about all the times you fucked him this week or that it has been an entire day since you last had sex with him. It is starting to distract you. A desire this bad is new.

               You want to say something thoughtful but your brain offers nothing. The awkward energy in the car remains. You make a noncommittal noise of sympathy instead, your fingers clutching the edge of your skirt for something to hold onto. The car has hit some mild traffic as the edge of the city approaches. Seonghwa taps his fingers against the wheel impatiently.

               “Are you okay?” You ask.

               “Yes,” He says very quickly, “I’m fine. Are you okay?”

               “Yeah, just a little tired.”

               More silence. You are starting to panic now. How in the world are you going to convince his parents about being in love with each other when everything feels off? Why is it this weird? How can you be both panicking and horny at the same time? You learn something new every day, apparently.

               In the middle of your silent panicking, the car stops at yet another red light and Seonghwa brings his hand over and rests it on your thigh. The touch is a shockwave, your eyes falling on the sight of his fingers against your skin, nails still painted black, a small silver bracelet around his waist. He idly rubs your bare thigh a little, fingers grazing against your skin with a soft pressure. Your breathing goes uneven, shifting slightly in your seat, wondering how you can be this wet this quickly.

               The light turns green and the car moves forward through traffic. Still neither of you speak. It feels as if there is a bubble in the car, waiting to pop. His grip on your thigh tightens for a brief second. You fight the urge to…well, you aren’t sure exactly. You just know that by the time you are going to have a chance to fuck him, it will be hours from now. How are you supposed to survive that long?

               As if the thought struck him as well, Hwa suddenly mumbles, “Fuck this,” and makes a sudden turn to the right, into a parking lot with what looks like a couple of bars that aren’t open.

               “What are you doing?” You ask as he drives the car around to the back where a cluster of trees offers some shadows and the building blocks you from sight of the main road.

               Hwa moves his hand off your thigh, rolling his seat back as far as it can go, motioning for you to get in his lap. “I have to fuck you before we get to the house. I can’t wait.”

               He doesn’t have to ask twice. As you hike your skirt up around your waist, he unzips his slacks hastily, pulling out his hard cock, helping shift you into his lap, moving your underwear to the side. It takes about two seconds to sink down on his girth; you hadn’t realized how wet you already were. He inhales sharply as you take him, your hands gripping his shoulders as your pussy stretches to accommodate his stiff cock.

               You move your hips slowly for a few moments, getting used to him. But you know that it is crazy to be fucking Seonghwa in his car like this – in daylight, nestled between a cusp of trees and closed bars. If anyone else decided to drive back here, it wouldn’t take long to get caught.

               That is why you begin to bounce on his cock once you’re used to him, bringing your hips down hard and fast. Seonghwa groans, his lips finding yours, the kiss messy and chaotic. The two of you are fucking as if it has been weeks since seeing one another versus one night. His hands are gripping your ass, bringing you down on his cock so that he fills you up completely, hitting your sweet spot with each movement of your hips.

               When he goes to bite your neck, you give a small tug of his hair, “You can’t, we’re seeing your parents afterwards. It looks bad.”

               “I don’t care,” He groans, his lips pressing against your neck, his breathing labored.

               “I do,” You say firmly.

               Seonghwa pulls away with a look of desperation in his eyes as you bounce in his lap. Instead, he leans in for a kiss, his teeth nipping at your bottom lip. Each kiss is messier than the last, more and more urgent, as if the two of you want to consume one another completely. In the distance, you can hear the traffic – horns honking, music blasting out of cars, someone yelling an obscenity at another person. All of that belongs to a world that has no place for you, not right now in any way, not with Seonghwa buried in your cunt and his hands pressing against your lower back, his tongue in your mouth.

               One hand moves to your shirt, tugging it up just enough to expose your bra so he can grope your tits with each movement. The two of you are a mess of clothes, moans and the sound of Seonghwa’s hard cock sliding in and out of your wet pussy. Your thighs shake as Hwa brings his other hand to your face, tilting it so that you are looking at him. He is studying you as one finger moves past your lips and in your mouth. You wrap your lips around his finger obediently, sucking on it as Hwa’s breath catches.

               “God, I’m going to fill that sweet cunt of yours up with my cum,” His voice is low and he unexpectedly jerks his hips upwards, making you gasp in surprise.

               He pulls his finger out of your mouth and crushes your lips in a kiss. His hand is cupping your cheek. Each drive of your hips downward is making both of you groan and grunt, the desperation to climax growing each second. Your lips open against his mouth as he kisses you, knowing his spit is mingling with yours, each moan tumbling from your mouth into his. You are close to cumming, your legs tired from the angle they are positioned in, Seonghwa moving his hips now to take over. Each thrust drives his cock deep in your pussy and he grunts as you cling to him, taking him deep.

               “Hwa,” You manage to groan, “I’m gonna cum.”

               “I know,” is all he says in reply, one hand wiggling in between your bodies to brush against your clit, “Finish on my cock like the good girl you are, doll, and I’ll give you my load.”

               Your clit is swollen and sensitive. Between Hwa’s words, his thrusts upwards and his finger grazing your clit, your orgasm starts immediately. Your head rolls back in pleasure, eyes closing tightly as you climax. Hwa gives one final jerk of his hips into your cunt before you can feel him spilling inside, grunting with each spurt he unloads in your tight hole.

               You slump against Hwa, your entire body feeling like it is under a heavy weighted blanket. Your face rests on his shoulder, looking out at the back of the closed bars. His hands are loosely wrapped around your waist as he also tries to collect himself. The whole thing had only taken a few minutes yet it felt so intense that it may as well lasted for hours.

               “You know,” You finally speak, your tongue too big for your mouth, “I wanted to look presentable when I got to the beach.”

               “You do look presentable,” Hwa replies as you push off his chest, trying to get some feeling back in your legs.

               You roll your eyes at him. “I do not.”

               Carefully, you pull down your shirt, adjusting your bra as Seonghwa helps you move back into the passenger seat. Your legs protest when you stretch them out, wiggling your skirt back down. You realize Hwa is staring again.

               “What?” You ask almost defensively, wondering if you look that bad.

               “Nothing,” He says and then adds almost apologetically, “I was just thinking that I like knowing you’re gonna be filled with me the rest of the drive.”

               The admission takes you by surprise and you find that your brain doesn’t offer anything up in reply. There is something intimate about what he said.

               Hwa, as if noticing the look on your face, smiles quickly before turning his attention to adjusting his seat. After making sure everything is in order, he begins to pull out of the parking space.

               “I’m actually surprised you know how to park,” You remark, thinking about how he also successfully placed his car at the grocery store without running someone over and slamming into a car, “I figured you’d still be practicing how to park.”

               “‘What’s the point? Everywhere you go has valet,’” He chirps.

               You gawk at him, mouth agape. “Did you just…quote a movie at me?”

               “I did,” Seonghwa replies, looking very pleased with himself, “I guess I don’t need to learn as much as you thought.”

*

               When Hwa first said “beach house” you were picturing a two story cute looking thing on the beach. Over the course of your time around him, you changed the vision slightly to a large two story adorable house with a front access to a private section of the beach. Then, it altered again to add the guest house to the backyard with a quick pathway to the downtown tourist section.

               You were still somehow wrong.

               When Seonghwa pulls up to the beach house, you want to point out using the term “house” on it is a joke. It is more of a beach mansion – three stories with a balcony wrapping around the entire third floor, a fenced in backyard that looked to be full of beautiful foliage, and so close to the beach that you could step off the driveway and almost tumble directly into the ocean.

               Your nerves hit you square in the chest upon seeing it. Even though the rest of the car trip had gone perfectly (it appeared the only cause of the tension was the desperate desire you two needed to get out quickly) knowing that his parents lurked inside made you feel a bit queasy.

               It must show on your face because Hwa reaches for your hand, resting his on top of it gently. “Like I said, the outcome is on me, not you. Just act the way you’ve been around me all week and it should work.”

               I don’t know how I act around you anymore. How do I act like I have feelings for you when I actually do now have feelings for you? What if my regular way of acting around you isn’t believable? What if your dad can tell I do have true feelings for you and knows you’re the one acting? A thousand panicked questions bounce around in your brain. You just give Seonghwa a weak smile.

               Getting out of the car, someone scurries out of the front door. Hwa greets them by name as they take his bag out of the trunk before opening the back seat to grab your bag.

               “Oh, you don’t have to do that,” You say quickly, “I got it.”

               The woman looks surprised, glancing at Hwa as if for guidance. You gently take the bag from her. “Uhm, thank you though.”

               “Are you sure?” Hwa asks you, “She’s just going to drop our things off at the guest house.”

               “I’m okay, thank you.”

               The woman takes Hwa’s bag inside quickly, shooting you a confused glance. Great, even the people working for his family think I’m odd. But your bag in your arms gave you some security; it offered false comfort that if anything went wrong you could leave quickly. It also made you feel bad having someone take your stuff.

               You trail after Seonghwa towards the front door. With one last longing look at the ocean, you step inside the house.

               Like the penthouse, the foyer is a riot of different shades of blue. Every inch of space is dripping in something expensive – art, vases, statues, random assortment of candles and the like – overwhelming you immediately. You suddenly miss Hwa’s overly minimalistic approach to decorating.

               Another woman greets you both before explaining that brunch is ready. You reach for Seonghwa’s hand, not in a “begin scene” sort of way but because your nerves are so intense that you just want to feel him somehow. He gives your hand a small squeeze and walks through the living area, leading you towards the backyard.

               It is impossible to take in all the details of the house being thrown at you. The wealth on display makes your head spin. We have a lot of fucking money! is what every item seems to shriek at you.

               Brunch is set up on a large patio overlooking the backyard which isn’t a typical backyard but more like a place where you could easily see some seriously amazing parties taking place. There is a pond in the middle of the space with tiny fish darting like gems under the sunlight, a canopy on one side with two lounge chairs, just enough trees planted in certain spots to offer shade without blocking all the beautiful light pouring in. A little further away is what appears to be a hot tub built into some sort of rock enclosure, a waterfall spilling out of the top of it into the hot tub. It even dips into an alcove for privacy, completely shielded from view.

               In the distance, just barely, you can make out the roof of what must be the guest house. The tension in your shoulders eases just a little. At least it is far away from the main house, you think.

               “You’re late,” Mr. Park’s voice snaps you out of studying the yard.

               “We hit traffic,” Seonghwa replies formally, pulling out a chair at the table, motioning for you to take a seat.

               Mrs. Park is looking at you as if a feral animal accidently dropped you off here. Your bag lands with a thump by your feet as you take a seat, Hwa sitting next to you.

               “Did you not account for the traffic?” His dad asks him, eyes narrowing slightly.

               I’m sure Hwa did but you see, sir, we lost time because we had to fuck in his car, you think, taking in the sight of all the food lining the table. Way too much food. More than anyone could eat. What happened when they didn’t finish it all? Did they just share it with the hired help?

               “I did,” Hwa replies in that same stilted voice of his, “Not enough, I guess.”

               “I guess so,” Mr. Park says in a voice that could freeze lava before turning his attention to you, “We were so happy when Seonghwa informed us that you would be joining us this weekend.”

               I’m sure you were, you think but bite your tongue. “It was really kind of you to invite me.”

               “Seonghwa hasn’t brought someone around he is clearly smitten with in a long time,” Mr. Park lingers on the word ‘smitten’, a silent message that he isn’t entirely convinced the two of you are actually into one another, “But we are always happy when he does.”

               You bite down on your tongue again to stop yourself from making a snide remark about bribery. Hwa speaks, slipping back into the conversation easily, “Well, we are both looking forward to relaxing.”

               The first time you met his parents, you barely knew Seonghwa. But after spending all this time around him, you notice the stiff formal tone he takes around his parents versus when he is away from them. It makes you sad…and angry as well. In fact, the anger is overwhelming and you fall silent, not trusting yourself not to say something overly rude. You want to ask Mr. Park what his fucking problem is, you want to ask why Mrs. Park words Seonghwa leaving the family as “being left with nothing” when in reality it just means not taking on a job he clearly has no interest in. You want to ask why they see Hwa as an object instead of their son.

               Hwa glances at you as if sensing something has changed. In turn, he begins to take on the majority of the conversation. You know that you should be more engaged but it is difficult when you keep imagining tossing the mimosa in front of you into Mr. Park’s face.

               At some point in a conversation about the weather, you lock eyes with Mr. Park. Something is shifting behind his gaze, something you cannot fully read. But you stare back at him. For a few seconds, it is as if time slows.

               A week ago, you would have scurried to the bathroom just like last time. But now, you don’t break eye contact. Mr. Park stiffens ever so slightly.

               Not breaking eye contact with him, you speak up, “Hwa?” The nickname hangs in the air, startling his mom into silence, “If the weather is this nice tomorrow, I would love to spend some time on the beach in the morning. It would be a shame for me to come all this way and not soak up some sun.”

               Seonghwa glances at you, most likely wondering where the sudden request is coming from. “Of course.”

               Mrs. Park falls for the bait quickly. “Oh, you like the beach? Did you know about the beach house before we invited you?” The implication is clear – she still believes you’re dating Seonghwa for his money, probably calculating how much she can offer you to go away.

               “I didn’t,” You reply, “But that’s why I was so grateful for Mr. Park’s invitation.”

               Mr. Park’s lips press together – the first sign of irritation at you.

               Smiling inwardly, that is when you break eye contact.

*

               “What was that about?” Seonghwa asks you thirty minutes later as he leads you to the guest house, stopping to turn around and look at you.

               The pathway to the house is made of weathered stones. You guess they probably imported them just to make the atmosphere look older than it actually is.

               Seonghwa is under the swaying branches of the palm trees, his hands in the pockets of his slacks. His posture is as regal as ever but there is something overly formal about it…as if just being around his parents has him unknowingly bringing his walls up. The palm trees dip in the breeze, casting shadow and light across Seonghwa’s face, making his expression difficult to read.

               “What was what about?”

               “I don’t know. It felt like you were about to start fighting with my father.”

               “Maybe. I just felt pissed off sitting there.”

               His eyes widen slightly. “Why?”

               “It’s difficult to play nice with your parents when I know what they’ve put you through. I know it isn’t any of my business, Hwa, and I want to treat them with respect for your sake. But it is still difficult.”

               At some point during the conversation, you moved closer to him, a moon orbiting a planet. Seonghwa’s brows furrow together and you don’t speak, letting him sort through whatever he is feeling before landing on what he wants to say.

               “It bothers you?”

               “Yeah, of course it bothers me,” You stop yourself from diving into a rant about his parents, reminding yourself not to overstep, “Because we’re…friends.”

               “Right, friends,” Hwa repeats quietly, one hand reaching out to curl around your waist, pulling you unexpectedly against him.

               Your body reacts before your mind catches up, pressing against him. Your bag drops to the ground as you wrap your arms around his neck, bringing him in for a kiss. His lips are hot against yours. There is something deeply personal about this kiss. Like the one by the river the night of the walk, it isn’t for show, and doesn’t feel like it is for practice.

               The kiss ends when someone clears their throat, startling you out of the sensation of Seonghwa’s warm body against yours, the scent of his cologne, the weight of his hand on your waist. Tilting your face in the direction of the sound, you see Mr. Park standing there on the pathway. His expression is unreadable. Seonghwa’s body tightens up, his posture changing ever so slightly but his hold on you doesn’t drop.

               “I was seeing if you needed anything in the guest house,” Mr. Park says, “But I see you haven’t gotten there yet.”

               “Got swept up in how beautiful this garden is,” You say, “It’s very romantic.”

               “Clearly.” The word is dry, falling at his feet and shattering like old clay. You have a feeling Mr. Park wasn’t one for romantic garden strolls and put the backyard together in a way to impress visitors and nothing more.

               “Not like you to check up on us like that,” Seonghwa says casually, “You usually send someone.”

               “Not often you bring someone here,” Mr. Park replies smoothly, “I wanted to make sure your girlfriend felt welcome.”

               He’s full of shit, you think. It is evident he was coming around to snoop, probably expecting to find the two of you distant and silent together when he wasn’t around. Guess that backfired on you.

               Seonghwa gracefully swoops up your bag off the ground, slinging it over his shoulder, steering you towards the guest house with his hand on your lower back. You glance over your shoulder as Hwa says goodbye. His dad didn’t get this rich without being clever, you think, turning back around, still feeling his eyes on you, and he isn’t gonna let Hwa slip through his fingers easily. But does Hwa know that?

*

               The guest house is larger than your apartment. Your. Apartment. It has an incredibly big bedroom, a full fledged kitchen, a living room with a state of the art entertainment system, and another hot tub built into a cove, similar to the one near the main house.

               “You said if I didn’t want to share a bed with you, you would sleep in the living room,” You say, staring wide-eyed around the entire space, “I was picturing a tiny bedroom with a cramped couch in the corner. Not a literal fucking house dropped on the property.”

               “I said guest house,” Seonghwa replies, looking a little confused as he turns on the coffee machine (which looks like the most state of the art coffee machine ever created. Why did it have so many buttons?).

               “Right but usually guest houses look like…tiny Barbie houses. Not actual houses.”

               “Tiny Barbie houses,” Seonghwa repeats, one eyebrow arched slightly.

               Exhaling slowly, you sit at the counter in the kitchen, staring at him before declaring, “I’m feeling overwhelmed.” The entire day is starting to catch up with you: sex in the car, the tense brunch, the kiss on the pathway, Mr. Park and his shark eyes.

               “Why? Everything is going to be okay. If you want, we can just stay here for the rest of the day.”

               “Won’t your parents care? Didn’t we come here to spend time with them?”

               “They always start the trip off making such claims but by tonight, mom is going to be drunk with her beach friends and dad is going to be working in his office until past midnight. See? I told you. It isn’t going to be as bad as you thought.”

               “Sure,” You mumble, “But if they don’t see us together and madly in love or whatever, how is that going to work in your favor?”

               “And if I am around them 24/7 acting like a lovesick child, they won’t believe that either,” He points out, “Do you want some coffee?”

               “Sure,” You reply before going, “I guess it was good luck your dad caught us kissing like that.”

               Seonghwa makes a face. “Yeah besides the fact I wanted to die from embarrassment.”

               “Do you really think he was coming by to see how we were doing?” You ask.

               “You think he was lying?”

               “Do you?”

               The two of you stare at one another for a few seconds. You don’t want to come off as if you are accusing his dad of doing something sketchy. But it is evident to you that his parents won’t relinquish control very easily and Seonghwa’s relationship with you is a threat to their plans.

               It is Hwa who breaks the silence first, going, “I don’t know. It is weird. But maybe he was just coming by to see how we were settling in.” He doesn’t sound convinced though and as much as you would like to push it, you don’t.

               “I’m sure he was,” You say, hoping it sounds as if you believe him.

               There is a beat of silence. Hwa is looking at you as if there is more he wants to say. But if there is, he doesn’t speak on it. For some reason, you think of a giant clock ticking down to…something. You aren’t exactly sure what – Hwa making a choice about his family? You telling Seonghwa all your feelings, including what you think of his parents?

               The image passes as Seonghwa quietly makes the coffee, the sunlight spilling across the counter, the space between the two of you ever changing and shifting.

*

               In bed that night, you find it difficult to sleep. Your head is going a mile a minute and sleeping in someplace that isn’t yours or Seonghwa’s feels strange. The small clock next to the bed says it is nearing one in the morning.

               You didn’t think everything was going to hang over you like a dark cloud. It is hard to focus when the end of everything looms so close. The allure of all that money, once the force that propelled you into the current situation, doesn’t glimmer as enticingly as it used to. You try to imagine Seonghwa’s face as he holds the money out at you. You doubt it would be so easily given like it had been the first night of meeting his parents. There is too much in between the two of you now.

               But what all that was, exactly, you aren’t sure. Seonghwa had said that he didn’t know if he just liked being around someone again but then told you he missed you. Was he as confused as you were? Did he find himself torn between friendship, companionship or something past the physical aspect with you? And no matter where he landed on that, your own feelings kept growing by the hour. What started as a fluttering crush in those early moments, even though you hadn’t noticed at the time, now morphed into something else completely.

               Not to mention if Seonghwa didn’t convince his parents to drop the arranged marriage, and didn’t decide to leave the family dynasty, he would be married. Married. That would mean the possibility of anything between the two of you would never be realized. It would be severing something before it had the chance to start.

               Shifting again in the bed, your mind heavy, you hear Seonghwa grumble next to you, “Can you stop moving? I can’t sleep.”

               “Hwa, sorry. I thought you were asleep,” You reply guiltily.

               He turns over to face you, laying on his side. You can just barely make out his face – the moonlight resting across one cheekbone like someone kissing a lover, his eyelashes dark smears against his skin. You turn onto your side as well, staring at him.

               “I can’t sleep,” He admits, “Why can’t you?”

               “Just overthinking.”

               “What are you overthinking about?”

               “Why can’t you sleep?” You counter.

               Hwa chews on this for a moment before answering, “I was thinking about what you said before. About me taking photos and posting them on Instagram.”

               This takes you by surprise. The last thing you thought bouncing around in Seonghwa’s brain was something about his Instagram. “Yeah?”

               He shifts a little. “You think I could do something with that?”

               “Hwa,” You say quietly, “No offense but you don’t have to do anything with it. You have enough money to make that your hobby on the side if you want.” You wonder if he is thinking about leaving his family and giving up the future CEO position to be dwelling on such things.

               “Right. Yeah, I know that. I just mean…I mean outside of money. I guess. Maybe people would like my pictures if I did more with them. If I put a portfolio together. Maybe.” His words make you think of tiny eggshells littering the kitchen floor – one wrong move and you could step and crack all of them into thousands of pieces.

               “I think that sounds like a good idea,” You reply carefully, unsure if you should ask if he is debating leaving his family.

               But Hwa drops the subject, instead asking, “What were you thinking about?”

               You sort through all the various things on your mind and decide to pick one to be honest. “I was thinking about you getting married.”

               Seonghwa’s eyes widen a little as he sputters, “M-marriage?”

               “Right. If this doesn’t work out. If your parents still want the arranged marriage to go through. I was thinking about if you decided to agree to it. Have you given that any thought?”

               “No…to be honest, I haven’t thought about much past this weekend. I didn’t want to think about if this doesn’t work and they still press for the marriage. That would mean a hard choice would have to be made. I don’t know what I’d do.”

               “You could marry someone you don’t care for? Just for your parents?” You dislike the pleading note in your voice and you wonder if Hwa notices it.

               But he is too lost in thought. “If the alternative is leaving them…I mean, I’ve told you before. My entire life has been fighting against them. I don’t know anything but preparing to be CEO and taking on the company. If I left that, it would crush them.”

               “But working there would crush you too,” You blurt out impatiently, “You don’t like it. And then you’d be married to someone you don’t love on top of that.”

               “Does that bother you so much? The idea of me marrying her?”

               Oh, what a question. How did you navigate answering this in a way that didn’t come across as though you are smitten with him?

               “Yeah, it does. I mean, I know we haven’t known each other for long. But we’ve spent a lot of time together lately. I feel like I can say I know you well enough. When I think about you stuck in a situation where you are unhappy, I get upset.” There. That isn’t lying.

               It is too dark to read Seonghwa’s eyes and know what he is thinking. His fingers curl against the sheet, and you fight the urge to touch his hand.

               “I don’t know if I’m strong enough to leave my family. Hopefully, it won’t come to that. My parents are harsh but they still love me.” Seonghwa sounds more like he is trying to convince himself than you.

               Even so, the disappointment in your chest is a heavy thing. You cannot help but feel as if Seonghwa is navigating a sinking boat towards a tsunami. You can’t shake the bad sensation that grows the more you spend time around his parents.

               “I know. But it was just on my mind.”

               “You worry about me a lot. I told you - you don’t have to worry about such things. Let me take care of them.”

               You wish for nothing more at that moment than to ask for him to hold you. You know that you could fall asleep if he just held you. But you are afraid that is passing by from casual sex into something else…and so you just nod before faking a yawn.

               “I guess I’ll try to sleep again.”

               “Me too,” Hwa replies, “Tomorrow, we’ll go to the beach. If you want.”

               “I do. I also wanna go in that ridiculous hot tub tomorrow. I mean, you really don’t understand what you have here, Hwa. If I was a more materialistic person, this would be slathered all over my Instagram so I could feel like one of those influencers who move the bed in their hotel room for a better photo.”

               Hwa, who had been in the middle of rolling over onto his stomach to sleep, stops and peers at you curiously. “People really do that?”

               “Yes,” You reply, marveling at how out of touch Hwa routinely is, “They do.”

*

               In all your brooding about the beach weekend, you overlooked one crucial part: Seonghwa shirtless by the ocean.

               But now, as you trudge through the sand towards the house, you look over your shoulder. The sun is dipping below the horizon, casting orange streaks through the sky. Seonghwa is collecting the rest of the things taken out this morning – a beach chair, a blanket, a book you didn’t open. He is still shirtless, his hair a mess of salt and wind. Yes, you had forgotten that being at the beach would mean an entire day of trying not to make it obvious you were staring. Even though you now officially fucked Seonghwa more this week than anyone else in your life, you still didn’t want him to know that you were that into him.

               In the light of the morning, you ate breakfast with Seonghwa and his parents. It was a stilted affair. Seonghwa appeared a little withdrawn; you wondered if it had anything to do with your talk the night before in bed. Mrs. Park prattled on to fill in the silence, talking endlessly about her plans to redecorate the beach house. Mr. Park excused himself early for a business call. There hadn’t felt like a lot of time to throw yourself at Hwa to convince Mr. Park to drop the arranged marriage.

               Afterwards, Seonghwa and you set up for a day at the beach. It was strange having an entire stretch of the beach to yourself but you settled in quickly – until Hwa pulled his shirt off and asked for you to apply sunscreen to his back. Your fingers along the muscles of his back did nothing to quell the dirty thoughts that were springing up like weeds. You tried to stomp them down but another fifty grew.

               And now it is sunset. Being in the daylight for hours made you tired in the sort of languid way a cat is tired from doing literally nothing all day. It didn’t help that you convinced Hwa to make sandwiches for dinner versus “setting up a meal out back on the patio” which sounded much too formal for your liking. You are now basically ready for bed.

               But the hot tub beckoned and you weren’t going to miss it just because you are feeling like a sleepy cat. Pushing the gate open that leads to the backyard, you wait for Hwa to catch up. He shakes his head, trying to get the sand out and makes a face.

               “I’ll have to shower tonight. I can’t stand all this sand on me.”

               “Okay, Anakin,” You quip, “Got everything?”

               “Yeah. I assume you’re going to run right to the hot tub?”

               “Correct,” You reply as Hwa puts the beach towels and chairs against the fence to use again tomorrow.

               You catch a brief smile cross his face before he reaches out for you, one hand tugging on the beach shorts you have been wearing all day. Surprised, your eyes widen slightly as he kisses you. He tastes like the ocean, your hands against his abdomen, muscles taunt and warm under your fingers.

               When he pulls away, he motions to the guest house. “Come on then.”

               As you turn around to watch him go, mind spinning at how many times the two of you stumble into intimate gestures like that, a flicker out of the corner of your eye gets your attention. Tilting your face back slightly, you see a curtain moving in front of Mr. Park’s office.

               Had he been watching? Is that why Seonghwa kissed you? You chew on your bottom lip for a moment, salt on your tongue, as you debate asking him. But if he truly kissed you just to make a show of it, you aren’t sure that you want to hear that right now.

               As if sensing you sticking your head in the sand, your phone buzzes in your bag. You rummage around for a bit before fishing it out, seeing a text from Hongjoong.

               “Did you tell him how you feel yet?”

               “No!”

               “It’s going to come out either way. Why not let it be settled on your terms?”

               You don’t reply. You just don’t know what to say or how to begin to explain that the idea of rejection is so terrifying it leaves your chest aching. If you misread everything or if Hwa decides all of this is because he’s lonely, then what?

               As usual, Hongjoong seems to know what you are thinking because he sends a follow up text.

               “Find out so you can either get love or you get money!”

*

               Stretching out your legs, you lean your head back and close your eyes. The hot tub feels better than you thought it would. The alcove that you currently are sitting in makes it feel as if you are in a secret spot from the rest of the world. You can see a hint of the trees moving in the soft breeze of the night, the moonlight poking through the branches, stars twinkling like faded paint spots against an old canvas.

               Seonghwa is next to you, quiet in thought. You have kept up a steady stream of vapid chatter for the past twenty minutes but have finally run out of random things to talk about to fill the space. You aren’t sure where Seonghwa has gone mentally but with each passing moment since arriving at the beach house, he has steadily turned inward.

               “Hwa,” You finally say with some resignation creeping into your voice, “I can’t keep babbling.”

               “What?” He blinks, turning to face you.

               The only source of light is from the hot tub. The lights illuminate his face and with a jolt you realize he looks a bit tired. You fight the urge to reach out for him, watching a droplet of water roll down his cheek and fall on his shoulder, your brain flashing an image of your fingers gripping them as he fucked you.

               Tugging your brain to the present moment, you reply, “Where is your head right now? Because it isn’t here, in this expensive hot tub.”

               “Sorry,” He replies bashfully, slicking back his hair with his hand, sending water across his head and down his neck, “I was just thinking.”

               “About what?”

               He averts his gaze for a second. “Just thinking about the outcome of this weekend, I guess. What happens after.”

               “With your parents?”

               He hesitates before going, “Yeah, with them.”

               You reach for his hand under the water without thinking, a motion that comes naturally now, and squeeze it. “I’m sure you’re right in that if they think you love me, they won’t force you into anything.”

               You’re lying and the guilt gives you a pang in your chest. But the idea of being brutally honest with Seonghwa now also makes you feel bad. You’ve spent the entire time with Seonghwa hiding your true feelings, not only about his parents, but about him too. But it isn’t good to rock the boat during this weekend. He needs to focus on what is going on and if I dump on him about his parents being shitty or my feelings for him, things will get too complicated, you argue with yourself even though the words sound like hollow excuses.

              To your surprise, Seonghwa brings his other hand up from the water and cups your cheek. The touch takes you by surprise, especially when he grazes his thumb across your lips gently. There is something in his expression that is unreadable yet tender that sends your heart aflutter.

             “Hwa…” You trail off, unsure what to say that won’t be something dangerous, something you’re not supposed to say.

              He reaches out for your waist, moving you from the bench in the hot tub onto his lap. You are taken aback from the movement, his arms wrapping around your waist and pulling you against him as he kisses you.

             There is something different about this kiss. It is a delicate, fragile thing, as if Seonghwa has taken whatever he is too afraid to say and put it through the kiss instead. You can feel him in every cell of your body like a jolt to the system, from your scalp to the tips of your toes. Your hands are against his chest and his heart races underneath your fingertips. Do you know? Can you tell? You think as the kiss deepens, your hands skirting up along his chest to his shoulders.

            His hands press into your lower back, fingers splayed against your skin, your body against his. Between the heat of the kiss and from the water, Hwa’s skin is flushed, his chest rising and falling quickly against you. The kiss is shifting once more, from something akin to a teacup on a rattling shelf now to a man stumbling through the desert looking for water. Hwa seems desperate, almost afraid, as if you’re going to suddenly vanish.

           The kiss takes the air out of your lungs, your body breaking out in goosebumps even with the heat. When it finally breaks, Hwa is looking at you, his lips a pretty pink, his black hair a mess of water, sand, and heat, curling against the nape of his neck.

           “Come on,” He says gruffly, “Let’s go to bed.”

*

               In the moonlight of the bedroom, Hwa peels your swimsuit off your body which is shivering from the temperature change. His hands glide over your vulnerable skin, his lips leaving small kisses along your neck. You are lightheaded with each touch, almost delirious with desire.

               As you lay on your back on the bed, Hwa tosses his swim trunks off, not caring that your clothes are making a mess on the wood floors. He crawls over your body like a snake in the grass, stopping along the way to kiss your thighs, your hips and stomach. His tongue rolls across your nipples and by the time he finally makes his way along your neck to your lips, the desperation for him has hit a new high. Your hands are tangled in his hair, your tongue against his as he positions himself at the entrance of your wet hole.

               In all the times you have slept with Hwa this week, he has never been on top of you before. You are breathless at the intimacy of it, how different it feels to be this way with someone you are so taken with versus the others in the past. As he slowly pushes into your entrance, you can watch the expressions on his face change – the hit of pleasure that Hwa experiences as he feels you wrapped around his cock.

               Your legs curl around his waist, pushing against him so that he slides fully inside your pussy. He lets out a soft grunt while doing so, his forehead resting against yours for a few moments before he begins to move his hips slightly.

               As Hwa begins to fuck you at a slow and steady pace, your bodies are entwined, pushed together, skin to skin. His heartbeat is against yours, both racing towards the finish line together. His hair is damp in the palm of your hands, his tongue in your mouth, his arms sliding underneath your upper back to hold onto you and make sure you are fully against him.

               In between each kiss, small noises escape from you as Seonghwa bites down gently on your bottom lip, giving it a sharp tug with his teeth. You like the grunts he makes with each thrust, you like knowing that you can make him feel so good. In this moment, there is nothing else besides the two of you. The worries about what comes after has faded so far into the distance that it might as well be a dying star billion light years away.

               As Hwa increases his pace, he makes sure to enter you fully, his hips touching yours before pulling out completely. You take him easily, your warmth wrapped around his cock and at one particularly hard thrust, his eyes flutter closed, your name tumbling from his mouth, sounding different from all the other times he’s uttered it.

               Even so, Seonghwa is taking his time. Unlike all the other encounters with him, the sense of urgency is gone, replaced with something else – emotions lurking under the surface that are too scary to speak about. Curled against him, your lips dragging across his cheek, your hips rising to meet each pump of his hips, the two of you spill over into each other. Each movement and touch express something neither of you can bring to life with words.

               His eyes open mid thrust, meeting your gaze. As he fucks you, Hwa doesn’t break eye contact, studying your face with each thrust. His cock is buried deep inside you, his breathing heavy, and you know he is going to cum soon.

               You pull him in for another kiss as his thrusts quicken, his pace slightly erratic, his groans muffled against your lips. You move along with him, your hips meeting every jerk of his hips. His forehead presses against yours as he shudders before burying his face in your neck while climaxing, spilling into your pussy, unloading inside you. His groan is muffled by your skin, pumping in you slowly as he finishes.

               His lips find yours again greedily, kissing you as he comes down from his orgasm. Your body is still alight with desire, having not finished yet, and you can tell Hwa knows it by the small smile against your skin as he pulls out of you and begins to kiss downwards.

               By the time he reaches the middle of your thighs, you are aching for him, your hands finding purchase in his hair once more. His hands slide underneath your ass, giving himself leverage to bring his face in between your thighs towards your cunt. Unbothered by the fact he just finished in you, Hwa’s tongue probes your folds, licking up along your slit before finding your swollen nub.

               His tongue flicks across your clit, his face pressed against your cunt as he works you with his mouth. He groans as he eats you out as if he cannot get enough of you, your hands tugging on his hair as you grind your pussy against his face, already close to finishing. Seonghwa doesn’t budge as your hips buck, sucking on your clit with an intensity that makes your gasps turn into high pitched whimpers. Then his tongue is back to rolling across your nub, his hands gripping your ass as your hips jerk. Sometimes his tongue slips from your clit and his nose brushes against it instead, making your moans louder.

               “Hwa,” You groan out, sounding unlike yourself, “I’m gonna cum –” Your breathing is ragged, your entire body tingling as your orgasm approaches.

               Seonghwa doesn’t stop, slurping and sucking on your clit loudly, your pussy a mess of his cum and spit mingling with your wetness. Your climax begins, back arching, pussy grinding against his face as the pleasure overtakes you. He doesn’t stop working your clit until it becomes too sensitive and you flinch. That’s when he releases his hold on your ass, allowing you to sink back onto the bed.

               Breathless, you try to prop yourself up to look at him but can’t; your limbs feel heavy and warm. The next kiss tastes like the two of you mingled together. When the kiss ends, he is looking at you quietly, still breathing hard. There is something shifting behind his expression, between the two of you, something being changed and altered in such a way that for a few seconds, you are terrified at the idea of this weekend ending and never having him again.

               The thought makes you hold Hwa tighter, nestling against him, closing your eyes to listen to his heart rate slowly come back to normal in the darkness of night.

*

               You have only been sitting at the table during breakfast for around twenty minutes but it feels easily like three hours. Over a wide spread of food, Mrs. Park asks pointed questions about your parents, your schooling, whatever else she can pluck out of thin air to make it clear that you are, in every manner, beneath her and therefore unfit to date her son.

               Speaking of her son, Seonghwa seems off ever since he woke up this morning. He isn’t openly sullen but has withdrawn ever further into himself, leaving you scrambling to make sure that the dating act is kept up to the standards needed. It has you feeling as if you are a one woman show – watch her answer rude questions about her life, marvel at how she tosses flirty glances towards Hwa, be amazed at the way she ignores Mr. Park’s ever cold gaze!

               Inside, you are a tornado. The intimacy of last night coupled with the anxiety of the breakfast is making you all over the place. Seonghwa held and kissed you so gently last night, and in that time together you felt almost as if the two of you were one – as completely cheesy as that sounded even to yourself – leaving you overwhelmed by how strong your emotions towards him now are. Something altered itself last night, something just subtle enough to change the dynamic with Hwa, the ground unsteady beneath your feet. It leaves you with one question – now what?

               You remember Mrs. Park is speaking and try to tune back in as she says, “How do your parents feel about you dating Seonghwa?”

               Before you can come up with a lie, Hwa seems to stir to life, replying, “Enough with the questions. She isn’t interviewing to be my girlfriend. She already is my girlfriend. You’ve been grilling her this entire meal and it’s wearisome.”

               Startled, Mrs. Park’s eyes widen slightly and she glances over at her husband who looks unperturbed. Hwa must never speak like that to her, you realize, and she’s going to blame me for it.

               Sure enough, her eyes narrow in your direction as she delicately clears her throat and shifts the topic to the weather.

               To your surprise, Hwa moves his hand underneath the table and holds onto yours, giving it a gentle squeeze. The hand squeezing has become part of the routine between the two of you – where once it came from nerves, now it was to reassure one another. Just another sign of how much things have changed.

*

               “I thought you would be here for dinner tonight,” Mrs. Park says later that day, as evening is settling in.

               “I haven’t gone to town yet,” Seonghwa replies stiffly.

               Mrs. Park casts a glance at you, her expression unsettled. You don’t look away, aware that any sort of scuttling about or staring at your feet would be a sign of submission. Mr. Park is standing near the window, his back to everyone, but you know he is listening to every word.

               “Surely you can go bar hopping after dinner.”

               “I’m not going bar hopping.” Seonghwa’s tone has turned testy, “I want to go to town tonight. We had breakfast together this morning. You normally don’t care what I do on these trips.”

               The unspoken sentence hangs in the air – you only care because I have my “girlfriend” here.

               A tense silence fills the room and you swallow hard.

               It is the last day of the trip. Tomorrow morning, you leave. After that awkward and tense breakfast with his parents in the morning, you are craving alone time with Seonghwa…mostly to finally tell him how you feel. Instead of feeling closer to him today after the incredibly intimate sex from last night, he only seemed more distant and locked up. It is starting to make you truly panic and believe that once the trip comes to an end, so will your time with Seonghwa.

               It is this panic that is leading the charge. You want to tell Seonghwa that your feelings for him aren’t set in friendship, they aren’t even set in liking him a lot but something much deeper. You want him to be your boyfriend. You want to be together. It would take uttering just a few sentences to confess this to him tonight. You are worried that Hwa seems to be distracted but if you don’t say it tonight, when will you? After the sex last night, it is impossible to deny or put off how you feel.

               You can see the power struggle unfold in front of your face. Seonghwa is challenging his parents and they clearly are not used to it. Mrs. Park flicks her gaze over to you, once again blaming it on you, before throwing her hands in the air.

               “Fine, Seonghwa, if you want to waste the night getting drunk, don’t let me stop you. Your father and I will just enjoy a quiet night inside.”

               “Sounds good,” Hwa says breezily, reaching for your hand and pulling you out of the kitchen, “See you all later.”

               “Seonghwa,” Mr. Park’s voice cracks through the silence and Hwa stops, looking at his dad who continues, “Remember tomorrow morning you have a meeting at the Rosewood. So don’t be hungover.”

               Seonghwa’s lips press together in a thin line for a moment. “I won’t be.” He gives a small tug on your hand, indicating it is time to go.

               You glance over your shoulder at his parents, shoving the unease down that is blooming in your chest. Seonghwa’s energy is all wrong, like a snake uncoiling and attacking the first thing it sees. You aren’t sure why…and some part of you is nervous to find out.

*

               The ocean glimmers in the setting sun as Seonghwa walks along the beach towards the tourist section of the town. He is quiet although his hold on your hand is firm and steady. In his other hand, he holds his shoes and his feet leave solid footprints in the wet sand. The waves lap at your ankles and the sun is almost fully below the horizon, making the ocean look like a mysterious lover beckoning for you to dive into its depths.

               You aren’t sure how to tell Hwa what you’re feeling. The most you’ve done in regards to this is the time you once sent your crush a “do you like me…yes/no?” note when you were nine years old. But that pales in comparison to the intensity of your feelings for Seonghwa.

               Glancing at him out of the corner of your eye, you admire the way the ocean breeze ruffles his hair, the slope of his nose, the way his lips look nice and soft, the curve of his neck –

               “What is it?” Hwa asks suddenly, turning his face to look at you.

               “What?” You balk.

               “You were looking at me.”

               Flailing around for something to say, you go, “I was just wondering if you were okay. You just seem a little off.”

               Hwa shrugs, looking forward again. The lights of the oceanside bars are popping into view, like flickering fireflies.

               “Being around my parents this weekend is driving me crazy, that’s all. Every little thing they do or so is just…annoying.” His words sound unfinished as if there is more lurking underneath them but nothing else is forthcoming.

               “Your dad said something about a meeting at the Rosewood tomorrow morning…” You trail off, the question hanging in the air.

               The Rosewood was a beautiful hotel in the heart of the city with an even more gorgeous restaurant on the top floor. You only knew about it through reputation or when a celebrity was seen there. Someone like you would never step foot in a place like that.

               “Yeah, my parents are dragging me into some business meeting there. Same old shit.” He sounds bitter. “We’ll have to leave earlier than I wanted to so I can drop you off and get there in time. I won’t hear the end of it if I’m late.”

               “Yeah, I understand,” You reply, coming ever closer to the first bar which Seonghwa is steering you towards, “Uh, do you think it worked?”

               “What worked?”

               “Uhm…us pretending to be dating and in love.”

               For some reason, his expression grows hard. “I don’t know. What else could we have done? This was our plan from the start.”

               His words mixed with his tone take you by surprise. There is an undercurrent of misery in every sentence Hwa utters and you don’t know what to do with it. He yanks the door of the bar open and you trail after him. It is a typical looking bar, maybe with more seashell décor since it is next to the ocean. You hesitate in the entrance, frowning for a brief second as your eyes land on the drink menu, reading the titles of the cocktails: Sunset sangria, Malibu breeze, Blue Hawaii…

               “You okay?” Seonghwa asks, looking over his shoulder.

               “Yeah, sorry.” You give a small shake of your head, “Got this weird feeling of like déjà vu.” You shrug, trailing after him as he finds a spot at the bar.

               The place isn’t too crowded although one group clustered in the corner is very loud. The bartender asks for your drinks but you are surprised yet again when Seonghwa orders a shot.

               “Didn’t take you as the type,” You remark.

               “Usually am not. But since everyone thinks I’m going to be drinking anyway…” He trails off as the bartender pours the shot, “You want one?”

               “No thank you. I’ll just have a beer, I guess.” You don’t actually feel like drinking or getting drunk but it is clear Seonghwa is barreling towards that.

               He motions for another shot and the bartender refills. He slams it down, looks at you and says, “Those two were warm ups.”

               Something is definitely wrong, you think as he asks for another one. The chances of confessing your feelings are growing slimmer by the second as the panic grows larger.

               When he hits the third shot down, you ask, “What was that one?”

               “A freebie,” He replies dryly.

*

               By the time a stumbling Seonghwa leaves the bar, it is a couple hours later and he is thoroughly drunk. Wobbling in the sand, you try to steer him back to the house but he gently shrugs you off.

               “Wanna go down to the shore,” He slurs – at least that is what you think he says.

               “Hwa, maybe we should just go back to the guest house.”

               But he gives a firm shake of his head. “If I have to see my parents right now, I’ll fucking lose it.” That is spoken a lot clearer and gives no room for an argument.

               You follow him away from the bar, down the shoreline a little bit to a spot where very few people are around. Hwa plops down in the sand, not caring that he is getting his clothes covered in it, or even noticing when the water washes up around his legs. You chew on your bottom lip before gingerly sitting down next to him, gasping a little.

               “It’s cold,” You say as the water washes over your legs.

               Hwa tilts his face back as if he is letting the sun warm his skin – but the moon is out and the sky is dark. “I ruined tonight, I know.”

               “What?”

               “Drinking. Should’ve just…stayed in with you. But staying around you is just…confusing.” His head rolls forward and he blows his hair out of his face.

               “Confusing?”

               “I’m supposed to pay you tomorrow. For this weekend.”

               You pause for a moment before replying, “I know.”

               “That’s what everything comes down to. Money. My parents paying off everyone. Now I’m doing it too. Maybe I’m no better than them.”

               “Whoa, Hwa, don’t talk like that,” You say, alarmed, “That isn’t true.”

               “How is it not?” He fires back, “You’re always talking about leaving the family and doing whatever I want but I don’t know what I want to do because I’m – I’m not even a person, I’m just…constructed by them for the stupid fucking company.” He is seething now, bunching his fists in the sand. “What would I do away from them?”

               You tentatively reach for his shoulder but your hand hovers just above him, afraid of touching as if it might startle him.

               “‘Money is a terrible master but an excellent servant.’ Do you know who said that?”

               “Uhm. Lisa from Blackpink?”

               Hwa ignores you or maybe he didn’t hear you at all because he goes on, “I have all the money in the world yet it somehow corners and poisons me every fucking second of my life.”

               “Alright, we’re going home,” You announce, standing up and brushing sand off your knees, tugging on his arm, “And we’re going to bed.”

               “That isn’t home,” He mumbles but obeys, getting to his feet unsteadily, looking at you through a haze of booze, “Would you cry for me if left tomorrow? If I went overseas? If we never spoke again?”

               “Hwa,” You say, startled as he brings one arm around your waist and pulls you against him.

               “Tell me I’m not just about money for you. Tell me I matter more than money. That when I fuck you, it means something. That I mean something.” He murmurs desperately, his face close to yours, his body warm, the scent of booze clinging to his clothes, his pupils wide, his gaze lingering on your lips.

               Your chest is tight, heart hammering against your ribs. I don’t want to tell him like this. Not when he’s drunk, emotional and not thinking clearly. I want it to mean something too.

               But you don’t have to say anything because at that moment Seonghwa lurches away from you, turns to the side and promptly begins to throw up on the beach.

               Distantly, you wonder if anything good happens on a beach – maybe in another universe somewhere, someone is confessing their love to a significant other instead of watching the person they care about vomit in the sand.

*

               It is nine in the morning when everything goes to hell.

               Dark clouds form along the beach, signaling a massive storm rolling in to match your mood and the mood of the guest house.

               Seonghwa, who is extremely hungover and working on a tight schedule to get you back to the city in time for his meeting, is already running late. You are quietly packing your things, a knot in your stomach.

               After Hwa threw up on the beach, you got him home, cleaned him up and watched as he promptly passed out, leaving you alone with more emotions than you knew what to do with. It was as if the universe was determined to make sure not to carve out one quiet moment for you to speak to Hwa and confess.

               In the morning light, Seonghwa mumbled an apology for almost puking on you and made no mention to his lamenting of his wealth or his desperate question of if you would cry for him. You don’t bring it up either, unsure if he remembers it or just doesn’t want to discuss it.

               But the energy has been popped like a cork from his hangover and his mood is foul. It lingers in the room like a poison cloud and it all comes to a terrible clash when he tosses money onto the kitchen counter shortly before leaving.

               “What is this?” You ask warily.

               “It’s the money for the weekend.” Seonghwa’s face is blank, his voice empty of any emotion. “This is why we were hanging out, after all. The entire week hinged on the deal we made.”

               The money is unceremoniously in a tote bag that he must have dug up somewhere in the main house when he left this morning for thirty minutes, claiming he needed to get coffee in town because the stuff here wasn’t strong enough. Now, you knew exactly what he had been really doing – somehow making a cash withdrawal that most banks wouldn’t allow but he could do because of his connections and wealth.

               “It’s yours now. We can consider the entire thing finished.”

               You tear your eyes away from the money and look at Seonghwa. His expression is heavily guarded, posture stiff. It’s his old face, you realize with a jolt, the one he had in the first couple of days together. I hadn’t noticed it because I didn’t know him then. But I know him now.

               It doesn’t take a genius to know that Seonghwa is cutting everything off before he gets hurt. You want to be understanding but you are exhausted. The entire weekend has been draining, coupled with your own romantic feelings for him, to dealing with him getting drunk all the way to this moment where he has decided to make the choice for you.

               “If you don’t want it from me, I’m sure my parents will give you some,” He adds, like rubbing salt in the wound.

               It is this small remark that pops the bubble that has been growing in your chest. “You don’t have to be so cruel about it.”

               “I’m not being cruel.”

               “I’m taking it as cruel. That’s how I’m reading it.”

               His lips press together in a thin line before replying, “I have a terrible headache. I can’t deal with the bullshit of you declining my money and me offering it and we do this whole song and dance and you leave with it. So, let’s just skip it and you take it.”

               You had no intention of taking the money. You know that now. But Seonghwa’s crass words, his hostile demeanor and the money thrown on the counter in an ugly tote bag suddenly makes you furious.

               “Do you think it’s okay to be talking to me like this? What, did being hungover flick on your Asshole Switch or something?”

               Seonghwa crosses his arms. “I’m not being an asshole. We agreed on this at the start.”

               “Right, we did before we spent the entire week fucking each other,” You snap and he flinches, “You could talk to me with more respect. You’re acting like I’ve been buzzing for your money the entire week. You could have made an effort to start a conversation with me about money versus throwing it at me. And the remark about your parents – you think I’d take their money?”

               “You’d take someone’s money!” He raises his voice slightly, throwing his hands in the air before storming away into the bedroom.

               “You don’t need to deflect your own inner turmoil and issues onto me!” You counter, following him, “I understand what you went through is shitty and difficult but just to blanket assume I am the same –”

               “And why wouldn’t you be?” He whirls on you, his voice cracking, “What makes you different? This entire thing started on the basis of money so why wouldn’t it end that way? If you don’t want to take mine, you’ll just take my father’s. That’s how it goes. That is how it always goes.”

               “So, what, you just thought to be a jerk to me so things can end on your terms? You pay me and never see me again after today? Is that it?”

               He snatches his bag off the floor, pushing past you to head towards the living room. “This is how it was always going to go.”

               You follow him, nipping at his heels, refusing to back down.

               “Oh, cut the bullshit, Hwa. Why don’t we face what is really at the root of this?” You cannot help it – you are growing angrier by the second, mingled with his rejection and the fear that he will never know how much he means to you. Everything you have held in this entire week is now about to explode out of you. “Your parents do not see you as a person. They do not care about you. If they cared about you like they should, they wouldn’t do the things they do to you. Deep down, you know that! Your mom feeds you bullshit like ‘you’d be left with nothing’ which isn’t even remotely true and your dad forces the company down your throat and you are burning yourself out trying to fit the tiny box of what it means to be a loveable son to them! They withhold their love from you just to get whatever they want and it isn’t fair!”

               Seonghwa looks startled and then promptly furious, getting very close to you as he speaks, “Don’t presume to know my entire family dynamic just because we’ve been hanging out for a week. You are overstepping.”

               “And you overstepped with the tote bag of money so I guess we are back to square one,” You fire back hotly, “Hwa, don’t you see? You’re going to spend your entire life doing things you don’t want to do, running a company you don’t want and marrying someone you don’t love. They will do anything to manipulate you! Deep down, you know I’m right!”

               Seonghwa shakes his head. “I’m not listening to this.”

               You take a step away from him, snatching the tote bag off the counter and upending it. The stacks of cash clatter to the floor as you fling the tote bag back onto the counter. Hwa watches as you do so, going very still.

               “I don’t want your money,” You say disgusted.

               “Fine. Take my dad’s then. He doesn’t like you and will be keen to pay you off,” He slings his bag over his shoulder, going towards the door. “There’s an extra driver this morning. They can drive you back to the city. I can’t be late to this fucking meeting at the Rosewood and it’s better if we don’t drive together.”

               “Right, wouldn’t want you to miss out doing something that makes you miserable!” You call after him as he slams the door to the guest house shut, leaving you alone without a backwards glance.

               The silence is deafening. You slump into the nearest chair, turning the argument over slowly in your head, the money at your feet. In the distance, you hear thunder. Your chest physically hurts and your heart is beating so fast you feel a little sick.

               What the fuck just happened? You think, wondering what to do from here. Surely, Seonghwa will never speak to you again. Not only is he determined to cut you off because he is too afraid of being hurt again but you just went on a tirade about how bad his parents are. But I meant every word and I can’t take it back. To take it back would be lying to him and all anyone ever does is lie to him. But what the hell do you do now?

               You aren’t sure how long you sit there, listening to the storm inch closer by the minute. Eventually, you stir from your brooding to motivate yourself to finish packing and get out of here before the driver leaves and you have to pay for an expensive Uber.

               Leaving the guest house, feeling numb, you keep telling yourself to focus on Seonghwa once you get out of here. If you start thinking about it too much, you would start crying and never stop and the idea of doing that in front of some random person driving you home is mortifying. Crossing through the garden, you are almost at the side gate when a voice saying your name gets your attention.

               Looking over your shoulder, you see Mr. Park on the back patio, the sliding door open behind him. “I was wondering if I could talk to you privately in my office.”

               Sure, whatever, I don’t give a fuck anymore, you think, nodding your assent towards him before trudging over. What is there to fear from him now? It is all finished…Seonghwa had made that clear.

               The house is very quiet with no sign of Mrs. Park or even the hired help. You follow Mr. Park upstairs towards his office. It is stuffed to the brim with expensive objects like everything else he seems to touch. You don’t blame Seonghwa for going minimalist in his own space. Surrounded by all these things is suffocating.

               Each bookshelf is lined with titles that are most likely purchased just for show since you cannot imagine Mr. Park has enough time to read. Along one wall runs a host of old looking filing cabinets that are all locked. His desk is made of heavy oak and makes the entire room feel stuffy and oppressive.

               You sit down in a plush leather chair on the opposite side of the desk, the leather creaking in the silence. Mr. Park sits down as well and for a few moments, he doesn’t speak. You just stare back at him. If he is in the mood to play mind games…well, you aren’t.

               When he realizes that you aren’t going to speak first, he relents and goes, “My son left in quite a huff this morning.”

               You just nod.

               “Everything alright between the two of you?”

               “Can we skip to whatever you brought me up here for?” You ask wearily.

               There is a flash of irritation in his eyes quickly replaced by the same nonchalant expression as before. “Very well then. I looked into you after we met for the first time. I was thinking that while you and my son seemed attracted to one another, something felt off.

I know you don’t have very much money and that you dropped out of school because you could no longer afford it. You weren’t a good enough student to get any scholarships. I know that you’ve jumped around jobs ever since until settling down at that store of yours. Your best friend, a man named Hongjoong, left the city after mental health issues and seemed to be quite an influence on you, bar hopping, partying, trying to help him with his fledgling music career. You mostly keep to yourself now with no clear plan in mind.”

               “Is this supposed to scare me? Sixteen-year-old girls with a crush and a good Google search could find out more about someone these days,” You deadpan.

               Mr. Park smiles but it doesn’t reach his eyes. He leans forward, clasping his hands together. “I was struck by the difference between you and Seonghwa this time around. Seonghwa especially. He seems quite taken with you. Of course, you understand that he can’t be with you.”

               “You don’t get to make that choice for him.”

               “Seonghwa has always been a bit of a dreamer. It’s been difficult to stamp that out of him. He needs extra guidance towards the ultimate goal of working for the sake of the family dynasty. That comes first. Not what he wants. Not who he wants to marry. I take this very seriously.”

               You don’t reply.

               He clears his throat a little and continues. “You understand that you’re not a good match for him. You have no family standing. You bring nothing to the company. He’s already becoming a bit unruly by being with you.”

               At this, you laugh. “You think that was being unruly? Him…what, sticking up for me during breakfast and doing what he wants to do?”

               “He came home very drunk last night and was clearly hungover this morning. That is out of character for him and I blame it on you. You’re a bad influence.”

               “Is that why you were looming around the guest house and staring at us through the window? Just taking note of ‘oh, my son is happy, I need to ruin it’?”

               This time, he ignores you, opening a drawer and pulling out a checkbook. “I’m going to be very generous with you. I’ll let you give me a price. Whatever the amount in exchange for not speaking to Seonghwa again. No contact from this moment onward.” His pen hovers over the check as he stares at you.

               I am so fucking sick of talking about money and thinking about money and dealing with money, you think, feeling roughly a thousand years old in that moment. I’m sick of hearing about this dynasty and I’m sick of seeing Seonghwa sad and I’m terrified he’s going to lose himself completely to this hell.

               “No.” is all that leaves your mouth.

               “Excuse me?”

               “No. I don’t want your money.”

               “Don’t be rash. Think this through. I said that you could list whatever amount –”

               “I heard you. I’m saying no. You were right, Seonghwa was upset this morning. He might never talk to me again because he’s so warped over what you have put him through that he’s too afraid to open up to someone else once more. And fine, if he doesn’t talk to me again, I’ll be heartbroken but at least I’ll know it’s not because I am yet another person in his life to take money from his dad. You see, I don’t want your money because I am in love with your son,” The words hang in the air for a few seconds as you try to wrap your head around the fact you have just said it aloud before continuing, “I am somehow deeply in love with your son even though I just met him. It’s absurd, actually, the way I fell for him so quickly. But he’s smart and he’s funny and he’s an amazing photographer and he’s thoughtful and introspective and a lot of wonderful things that you don’t see the worth in because he isn’t a son to you, he’s a pawn you just move around because you think life is a chessboard and people are just toys. But Seonghwa isn’t that to me.”

               You stand up, ready to go, when Mr. Park speaks, “It’s touching you care so deeply for my son. Unfortunately, it doesn’t matter. Your little disagreement this morning worked in our favour. Seonghwa is currently with his mother at the Rosewood being told that you have come to me and asked for money. Afterwards, he will be presented with a contract agreeing to marry the woman we have chosen for him.”

               You stare at him, cold ice rolling down your spine, a loud buzzing in your head.

               He continues mercilessly, “Whatever Seonghwa schemed with you, because I feel fairly confident that when I saw you a week or so earlier that this relationship was not nearly as deep as we were told it was, it ended up helping us. Originally, we were going to have a sit down conversation with him at the Rosewood, laying out the facts bare of what would happen if he didn’t agree to the marriage. But whatever happened this morning, Seonghwa is now distraught and not thinking clearly as he heads into the meeting. One little push is all we need to get him to sign. I know my son.”

               “So you’re lying to him and telling him I asked you for money,” You say with numb lips, “And he’s going to be so upset, he’ll sign and agree to the marriage.”

               “That’s right.”

               You fumble for your phone, immediately trying to call Seonghwa. But a robotic line says the call cannot go through. You try it again desperately. Same result. You switch to texting, sending a desperate message that just says you hadn’t taken any money from his dad in all caps. It says it cannot be delivered.

               “It won’t work,” Mr. Park finally speaks, sounding pleased with himself, “I have some connections at the phone company and Seonghwa’s phone won’t be taking any calls or texts from anyone until the contract is signed. My son was aware that this is what he needed to do even when he fought it. But then you came, like an arrow in the dark, striking his chest and making him believe in things he never gave a passing thought to before.”

               You want to throw the nearest object at his head. You fight the urge to punch him in the face. One part of you is such vicious fury that it might choke you and the other part of you is pure unfiltered panic. Thunder goes off, closer now, promising a storm to end storms.

               “What the fuck is wrong with you?” You seethe, your jaw clenched.

               Mr. Park looks unbothered. “I’ve given up everything for the company. As did my father. Seonghwa will understand that, in time. He could always keep you on the side after the marriage is finished. I am not against that. But this is how it has to be for the dynasty.”

               “I would never take a cent from you,” Your voice is low, as chilly as a glacier.

               “I know,” Mr. Park replies simply, “But Seonghwa does not.”

               With those words, you realize that Mr. Park has been stalling you from trying to reach Seonghwa. This entire conversation has been a waste of time. You spare one second to shoot him the finger before storming out of the office, flying down the stairs so quickly that you almost trip. Catching yourself at the last second, you burst from the beach house. A driver is perched against a car, smoking a cigarette, clearly have been told to wait for you. Seonghwa has done that much, at least. He looks relieved at finally seeing you, crushing it under his shoe with an apologetic look on his face.

               “I need to get to the Rosewood as quickly as possible,” You say, tossing your bag in the car and ushering the driver to the door, “Hurry. Quickly. Please,” You amend before climbing in the back.

               In the back of the car, you keep trying to get in touch with Seonghwa even though you know it is in vain. You try calling his Instagram account but he doesn’t answer. You spam his Instagram messages. Nothing. His phone is either dead, taken away, or he simply isn’t looking at it.

               The panic and rage that swirl in your chest are two beasts fighting. To think of Seonghwa being so absolutely manipulated by his parents – for them to lie in such a way and turn off his phone – to have him sign anything that would give up his freedom…the worst part of it all is that if the two of you hadn’t fought this morning, he might not be so susceptible.

               Is that true? A tiny voice asks. This entire weekend, Seonghwa’s fear of you opting for money had been weighing on him until it exploded this morning. Maybe that part of him would always be a target to hit. The fact his parents know that and used it to their advantage…

               The rain begins on the outskirts of the city. It comes down in thick droplets, splattering against the roof of the car so heavily it almost sounds like hail. The thunder shakes you to your fingertips. The rain sweeps in like a frenzied beast and traffic starts to form. You want to pull your hair out.

               You think of Seonghwa, believing that after the fight, you sought his dad out and asked for money. You think of the stack of money left at the guest house, of Mr. Parks knowing your feelings were strong enough that he had to stall you, and the way his mother must be convincing him in a cloying voice that this is how things need to be.

               You are worried about crying right here in the back of the car. You know if that if you start, you’ll never stop. The car has stopped again. You glance at the time and lean forward.

               “I am not trying to be a bother but what is the hold up?”

               He points to the GPS on his phone screen, showing the road ahead in a deep red. “Some accident. Traffic is backed up badly.”

               You have got to be kidding me, you think, wondering why the universe is determined to make a mockery of you at every turn.

               “How close are we to the Rosewood? Within walking distance?” You study the map on the GPS very carefully.

               “Uh…”

               “Doesn’t matter. Sorry, I gotta go.”

               The driver makes a spluttering noise as you open the car door and exit. The cars are at a standstill, some people honking at you weaving through the traffic while heading towards the sidewalk. The asphalt is hot, the rain almost sizzling as it strikes, and it feels like you have walked into a swamp. Soaked immediately from the torrential downpour, you take off as fast as you can, yelling “sorry!” and “excuse me!” every half second as you try not to collide with anyone slowly meandering down the sidewalk clutching their umbrellas. With each strike of your shoes against the pavement, you think about Seonghwa. Even when your chest might burst and your lungs might pop like grapes, you keep going.

               Eventually, you can see the sign for the Rosewood through the haze of rain. The doorman tries to stop you – you ignore him, flying through the lobby and into an elevator before anyone can do a single thing about it.

               Pressing the button for the restaurant at the top floor, you slump against the wall, gasping for air.

               In the reflection of the elevator doors, you realize that you look like a wet rat that just nearly survived a flood. Not your best look…especially for a high-end establishment like this. But when the doors open, the thoughts of your appearance fade as you take off again.

               In fact, you almost make it to the restaurant before someone, probably security, grabs your upper arm. You ignore them, lurching forward into the dining room.

               “Seonghwa!” You yell, “Seonghwa!”

               You get a glimpse of him – a millisecond that lasts a lifetime. He is at one of the tables, paperwork in front of him, his mother talking avidly and a beautiful woman at the table as well. You recognize her from the rooftop photo. Seonghwa is slumped, a pen in between those slender fingers of his, dark circles under his eyes.

               You shake the person holding you off, wrenching your arm almost painfully out of the grip, and bolt through the dining room. People mumble in horror – at you running, at your appearance, at your clothes leaving puddles all over the fancy carpet – but you don’t care. He hasn’t signed, is all you can think with relief, feeling as if you are running in quicksand towards him.

               Seonghwa’s eyes are wide and he is in the motion of standing up when you finally reach him. You grab his shoulders, pulling him towards you desperately. Mrs. Park is yelling at security to remove you as Seonghwa looks upwards and shakes his head firmly at them, telling them to leave you alone.

               “Hwa, I didn’t go to your dad. Will you look at me? I didn’t go to your dad,” You plead, giving him a small shake, his gaze falling on your face, “I didn’t go to your dad. They’re lying to you.”

               “She’s lying,” Mrs. Park spats.

               Seonghwa doesn’t even glance over at her. He is staring only at you for a heavy moment before he speaks, “Come on, not here.”

               His hand moves downward, grasping yours. The first trickle of relief hits your chest. Would he hold my hand if he felt like I betrayed him? Mrs. Park is sputtering – about your appearance, the fact security isn’t hauling you away, that you are causing a scene. But Seonghwa brushes past security, his hand steady against yours, leading you out of the dining room. Everyone is openly gawking. You know how you look, with your clothes like heavy wet rags, your bag slumped against your shoulder. Your heart is still racing, out of breath from all that running and motivated by sheer panic.

               Hwa takes you to a small nook, nestled between the kitchen and the foyer. He waves someone away when they ask if he needs assistance in getting you out of the building, turning his back to the restaurant and offering his body as a shield to get prying eyes off you.

               He takes in the sight of your general appearance before quietly asking, “What’s going on?”

               It spills out of you so quickly that you aren’t sure Seonghwa can even keep up with your words. “I didn’t go to your dad. I didn’t ask him for any money. I didn’t do anything of the sort. I was going to leave and your dad asked to talk to me. He offered me money, said I could list any amount I wanted. And I told him no. I told him…” You choke on your words for a moment, knowing that there is no turning back now. You can’t run all this way, make a scene at the restaurant, tell Seonghwa their version of events is a lie and then proceed to lie yourself.

               “What did you tell him?” He prompts quietly, his eyes scanning your face, his shoulders set with a clear tension he is trying not to let slip into his tone.

               You take a deep breath, unable to look at him, instead opting to speak directly to the middle of his chest, and begin to talk, “I told him that I wouldn’t take the money because I’m in love with you. I told him that I know it sounds silly to be in love with you already but that it just happened that way. I don’t care if you never spoke to me again but I wouldn’t ever want you thinking that I took your money or your dad’s money. Because I love you. I should have told you earlier but I’ve never been in love before and I didn’t know what to do. But I love everything about you like the way you wander around at night and take photos, how kind you are, and thoughtful too. And I even love you when you make out of touch comments about things because you can’t help it, you’re too rich to even know better but I know it isn’t ever malicious and it isn’t intentional and you’re still kind and I love you for it. I love you even though you never know any of my pop culture references and I love you even though the only movie you’ve ever quoted to me is goddamn Clueless. And I love you even if you don’t love me and it’s okay if you don’t want to be with me but I needed you to know that your parents are not good people and they don’t deserve you. And you could hate me for saying those things but it’s the truth,” You hold up your hand, “Wait, don’t answer yet. There’s something else you need to know. About why I ran here and made a scene.”

               You fumble for your phone. Your hands are shaking, you realize, but you illustrate to Seonghwa how you try to call and he gets no calls. You show how you text him and he doesn’t get those either. You tell him to check Instagram and he sees the panicked missed calls and messages from you. You explain quietly what his dad said. Hwa is silent for a long while, staring down at his phone until the screen goes black from being idle.

               His hair has fallen in front of his eyes and you cannot see his face. You don’t speak. You know that you have just thrown a lot at him all at once and can only assume he is overwhelmed.

               But on the other hand, you just confessed your love to this man and he’s gone idle like he is a video game character about to get timed out in a MMO. Antsy and wringing your hands, you finally break the silence.

               “Uhm…Hwa…”

               He shifts a little and then raises his head to look up from his phone. He slips his phone in his pocket and brings his hands to your shoulders, resting them there, ignoring the squelch of wet fabric.

               “I have to do something. Will you give me some time?”

               Thrown, you reply, “Uh, sure…?”

               “Do you have money for a taxi back to your place? It sounds like you left my driver in traffic and I don’t have another one nearby.” He rummages in his other pocket and pulls out some cash, shoving it in the palm of your hand and curling your fingers around it before you can protest. He lingers there for a moment. “Just give me a few days. Will you do that for me?”

               What else am I supposed to do? You think, slightly dazed, nodding silently.

               Seonghwa hesitates for a second and then tugs you against him, crushing you in a hug. He doesn’t seem to care that your clothes are soaking wet and will ruin his expensive outfit. He has never held you this tightly before. It would be funny to picture Seonghwa walking back into the restaurant all wet from hugging you if you weren’t on the verge of crying. Your face is against his chest and he kisses the top of your head before breaking away. As he walks away, he stops to talk to security, who is still glowering nearby. You cannot hear what he is saying but his tone brokers no argument.

               And then Hwa is gone, back inside the restaurant.

               When the security guard comes over to escort you out, it is evident he is disgruntled that he cannot arrest you or lecture you for twenty minutes.

               But even if he did either of those things, it wouldn’t matter. The adrenaline is starting to wear off and that numb feeling is sweeping back in.

               He didn’t say he loved me back, you think over and over, to the beating of your heart, I don’t have a lot of experience in telling someone you love them but the ultimate hope is they say it back, right?

               So, now what?

*

               “This is horrible,” You whine, muffled into your pillow.

               On the screen of your phone, Hongjoong looks up from painting his nails. “Are we going to run through the story again? Can we go back to the part where his dad mentioned me?”

               You scowl, looking up. “You know it’s creepy that he knew why you left the city, right? Yet you think it’s giving you main character energy or something.”

               Hongjoong looks pleased. “Come on, you’re living out something usually seen in movies or dramas and I got a mention. Lemme hear it again.”

               Sighing, you recall when Mr. Park mentioned Hongjoong during his thinly veiled threats about snooping into your life. You do so on autopilot, aware that Hongjoong is only doing this to try to distract you from the fact that you haven’t heard from Seonghwa in four days.

               You keep replaying that morning in your head – the disagreement with Seonghwa, the entire conversation with Mr. Park, running through the rain and showing up at the restaurant to tell Hwa you love him while also destroying his entire fragile hope that his parents weren’t shitty.

               “I have to do something. Will you give me some time?” Seonghwa had said. But did that something have to take so long? What was he doing? Was he okay? You couldn’t bring yourself to text him and embarrass yourself further. It is difficult enough to think about how you confessed your feelings for him and he didn’t feel the same way…because if he had, he would have told you then and there. Right?

               The past four days have been agony. You trudged to work, wandered back home, stayed up too late unable to sleep, spent too long scrolling on your phone. You felt embarrassed to basically be living to wait to see if Seonghwa contacted you.

               You finish the story before slumping back down and staring sullenly at Hongjoong who finally sighs and stops blowing on his nails to dry them quicker.

               “He’s going to contact you.”

               “We don’t know that.”

               “Yes, we do. He said he just needed some time.”

               “How much time? I’m two seconds away from turning into Bella Swan when she just stares out the window for months and months cuz Edward fucked off.” You lament, shoving your face back in the pillow.

               “From everything you’ve told me about this guy, he doesn’t seem like the type to needlessly play with your feelings. If he’s gone quiet, it’s because he’s sorting something out. His parents took shit way too far. He kept hoping they weren’t as bad as you knew they were. That has to be difficult to deal with.” Hongjoong’s tone is gentle but his meaning is clear: this isn’t just about you, Seonghwa is going through something as well.

               Chagrined, you prop yourself up to look at Hongjoong who gazes at you steadily through the camera before idly turning his attention back to his nails.

               “Now, let’s talk about if I should pop by the city just to egg Mr. Park’s car or something,” He continues conversationally.

*

               You have just gotten out of the shower after a very long and extremely boring shift at work when your phone buzzes with a text. Your roommate is gone at her own job which means you can dart from the bathroom completely naked into your room, snatching up your phone.

               You stare at the message pop up, Seonghwa’s name clear and bright on the screen. You blink a few times to make sure you haven’t imagined it out of sheer desperation. It has been five days since you told him you loved him.

               But his name remains. Quickly, you open up the message.

               “I was wondering if you can come by my place in an hour or so. I can send a car. I’m sorry I can’t come there myself but I promise I’ll explain everything when you arrive.”

               You take a deep breath, telling yourself not to reply right away so you don’t look desperate.

               So you wait exactly two minutes before replying with an okay.

*

               It feels strange to be cutting through the lobby towards the elevators to go to Seonghwa’s penthouse without him by your side. After giving your name to the receptionist, she declared you were on the visitor list and gave you some temporary key to access Seonghwa’s penthouse. Your heart is racing a mile a minute. You have no idea what you are walking into and that makes your anxiety even worse. After five days of waiting, you are finally going to see Seonghwa – but it isn’t just about seeing him that is so stressful. It is the fact that you are seeing him and now he knows the extent of your feelings.

               The elevator doors glide open and you gingerly step out into the foyer at the same time his parents come into view. Having not expected to see them, you freeze immediately. Mrs. Park’s eyes are swollen and red from crying. Mr. Park looks as impassive as ever.

               “I hope you’re pleased with yourself, you money grubbing harlot,” Mrs. Park growls out in your direction, dabbing her eyes furiously with a tissue.

               You are torn between asking what the hell she means and laughing so you do neither, only staring at her with wide eyes as she pushes past you into the elevator. Mr. Park follows. Another man exits the living room, paying no attention to you at all, holding a briefcase and an iPad, entering the elevator as well.

               You look over your shoulder as the doors close. The last thing you see is Mr. Park giving you a small nod of his head. There is something in the gesture that makes your stomach flip – some sort of acceptance on his part, something that feels akin to admitting he lost.

               Spurned on by that, you turn around and hurriedly walk into Seonghwa’s living room, stopping immediately at the sight of him by the large window overlooking the city.

               The sun is starting to set, Hwa’s back is to you as he looks outward. He is wearing a white button up shirt, the sleeves rolled up to his elbows with black dress slacks on. There is nothing different about this outfit; you have seen him in something similar many times.

               But after not seeing him for five days, a longing hits you square in the chest. It is only your embarrassment stopping you from running over to him.

               “Hwa,” You say quietly.

               He stirs, looking over his shoulder. When his eyes land on you, he smiles gently. But you are startled by how exhausted he looks, as if he hasn’t sleep since the night the two of you slept together entwined after having sex that changed everything.

               When Hwa doesn’t speak, you shuffle awkwardly and go, “Your mom called me a money grubbing harlot on the way out.”

               He rubs his face with both hands, shaking his head a little before replying, “I’m sorry.”

               “Why? You didn’t call me that.”

               The space between the two of you feels like a gaping wound. The only thing you want is for him to reach for you or give you some indication that everything is alright. Hwa lingers by the window for a moment, casting one look at the horizon before moving towards the couch.

               “Even so, my parents have treated you like shit ever since I entered your life. You’ve taken it on without question or complaint.” He sits down, tilting his face upwards to look at you, “Will you sit next to me?”

               You are too nervous to even make a joke and instead opt to just silently sit down. You have been so distracted by seeing Seonghwa again that it is only now you notice all the paperwork spread out across the coffee table. Hwa follows your eyes and clears his throat a little, leaning forward and taking one of the pages off it and handing it to you.

               You stare at it, your brain unable to piece together what the hell you are looking at.

               Seonghwa leans forward a little, his fingers lightly resting against your wrist. The touch is enough to make you feel unhinged. He inhales sharply and goes, “I finished the paperwork today.”

               “Uh…for what?”

               “For giving up any and all claims to the family inheritance and the company.”

               For a few seconds, the words don’t click. You just stare at the legal mumbo jumbo in front of your eyes before tearing your gaze away from the page and to Seonghwa’s face. He traces small circles against your wrist nervously, waiting for you to reply.

               But if he is expecting some sort of deep and meaningful answer, you hope he isn’t disappointed when you deliver a confused, “What? You mean…you just separated from them?”

               “You were right,” He says simply, “About them. About me as well. I kept denying it and hoping until you showed me that they were blocking my phone from any communication just to get me to sign a fucking contract giving up my own life for their sake. There is no way to create a story to comfort myself when confronted with that. They lied to me, they lied about you, and they attempted to isolate me to get what they wanted,” He hesitates, “It would have worked. If you hadn’t gotten to me in time.”

               “But I did get to you in time,” You think with a rush of exhilaration.

               Hwa left the family. It is more than you ever dared to hope, something that seemed so far out of the realm of possibility that it hadn’t even entered your mind that he could have been spending the last few days working on all the legal recourse to get out of the family.

               “You did,” He replies, his head slightly bowed to look at your hands holding the paper, “I’m sorry I believed my mother when she said you went to my father for money. The fight from the morning was still in my mind and I had been running myself in circles since I met you about what was going on between us. I analyzed every thought about you, unsure if my feelings were true or I was just lonely. By the time we got to the weekend, I felt suffocated by my parents and I was overwhelmed by my feelings. And that night…with the hot tub and us sleeping together afterwards…it was so different to everything I’ve had before. It made me panic. I handled the entire thing poorly. And I almost led myself into some arranged marriage just because my parents knew exactly how to manipulate me.”

               You took a deep breath and steel yourself. “And how do you feel about me then? You know how I feel about you.”

               Seonghwa looks up then, an expression you can’t decipher on his face. “After my last relationship ended, I decided I was done letting anyone in. It wasn’t worth the hassle or the disappointment of realizing what they were truly like. My faith was shattered completely and I turned it into armor. When I approached you in the convenience store, I saw you as part of this convoluted plan to get my parents to love me for myself and not what I could give them. The last thing on my mind was that we would be anything other than business associates. It didn’t hit me until the coffee shop that things might start growing complicated.”

               “The coffee shop?”

               “When you started asking questions about me. I understood why you were asking them but it had been a long time since someone asked me something as simple as what my favourite colour is. I realized how lonely I was.”

               “Black isn’t a colour, by the way,” You say quickly, unable to help yourself, “I was being polite then but it’s not a colour.”

               Hwa laughs quietly and he brings his hand to your cheek, cupping it gently. The touch makes your heart race. His thumb grazes your skin as he continues, “There was something about you right away, something authentic that wiggled through the armor and I caught myself thinking of you when we weren’t together. And I didn’t understand why until you were drying my hair after you dyed it.”

               Your heart thuds. You want to tell him that is when you also realized that everything was changing between the two of you and that the minor touches were sending you into early heart failure but your tongue is no longer cooperating with your brain.

               “That’s when I realized that yeah, I was jealous I had to wear the t-shirt of some guy who slept with you, and yeah, I was falling for you. And when we had sex later that night, I just assumed it was because the lines were getting blurry with all the fake dating and you didn’t see me like that. Sometimes, I would wonder and allow myself to believe that you did but my brain quickly began to convince me that it wasn’t about me, it was about my money. It nipped at my heels no matter how fast I ran. It chased me down, bite into my jugular and filled me with doubt. The more I fell for you, the more the doubt and fear grew…” He pauses for a second, clearing his throat a little.

               “The night of the hot tub, being with you like that, I knew I loved you. It was impossible to deny any longer. And I felt like a fool for falling in love. I told myself I never learned my lesson. I would always be a fool. I was miserable and I hated myself for being miserable. Anyone else would be thrilled to fall in love and instead I couldn’t stop telling myself that you were going to leave Monday as soon as I gave you the money. I drank that night just to try to stop thinking for five seconds and then in the morning, I lashed out at you in a last ditch effort to protect myself. When you showed up at the restaurant…” Seonghwa stops talking, cut off for a moment, and you realize he is blinking quickly because his eyes are welling with tears.

               His confession of love is leaving you spinning. Your heart hammers in your chest, overloaded with joy that he feels the same way. You want to comfort him but he keeps speaking before you can.

               “No one has done that for me before. When I saw you running to me, soaked to the bone, your bag bouncing against your hip, my heart stopped. And you used such a gentle tone with me as you explained why your phone couldn’t call me when I had treated you poorly just an hour or so prior. It made me realize that I couldn’t keep denying what I knew, had always known, deep down and that is you were right. My parents have love that is conditional and it would never stop. I could sign that contract and they would want something else from me the next week. To have you and to be happy, I would have to leave them.

               Before I met you, I thought my hobby was going on yachts and laying in the sun. Now, I know it’s photography and wandering the streets at night to take photos. I used to think the only avenue I had was running a company I couldn’t give a fuck about and now I have no idea what I’m gonna do next but I know I want to figure it out with you next to me. If you want that too, I mean.” He brings his other hand upwards, now cupping your face in between the palms. His eyes are filled with tears threatening to topple at any second. Your chest is very tight as if you might cry yourself.

               “Hwa…”

               “I love you so much and I loved you so quickly that it terrifies me. Will you have me even though I’m so scared?”

               “I’ve never felt the way I do about you before.” Your words are small tiny things and Hwa has to get very close to even hear them, “I’m scared too. We can be scared together.”

               The tears spill over, wetting his eyelashes, rolling down his cheeks as Hwa nods quietly. You want to brush them away but he kisses you then, tears on your lips, against your tongue, as you lean into him. You have missed him so much it physically hurts and the idea that has haunted you for days – that you would never kiss him again – makes you need him even more in every way possible.

*

               In Seonghwa’s bed, his fingers travel over your clothes, stripping them off you carefully, stopping to kiss every inch of your skin. You are trembling underneath him, the reality of the fact this sexual interaction will have no flimsy excuse to cover it; there is no more pretending that you don’t love him and no more hiding behind the “fake dating” concept. There is only Seonghwa, his lips grazing yours, your clothes landing in a heap on the floor next to his and his tongue in your mouth as you grind against him, skin to skin. He shudders as his cock presses against your wet folds but does not enter you. Instead, his lips move from yours to along your neck, his hands groping your tits as he does so.

               “Tell me again,” He whispers in a hoarse voice, words muffled by your skin.

               Your hands trail up along his hips, remembering the time in the elevator when you first noticed how slender his waist was. A lifetime ago, surely. It is hard to remember how life felt before Seonghwa bumbled into it with his awkward proposal of fake dating.

               “I love you,” You murmur and Hwa’s breath catches as your legs curl around his waist, urging him silently to fuck you.

               When his lips meet yours again, it is a hungry kiss, filled with promise of nights to come and of starting a relationship with him. You can feel the longing in it, all the stress and time spent worrying, and the tender love for you as well. Hwa’s tongue is against yours and you can taste him, want more of him, all of him. Your fingers dig into his shoulders, the kiss turning sloppy as his cock presses against your cunt. He drops one hand downward to position himself at your entrance, the kiss breaking for a moment.

               “Again,” He says, his voice taking on a slightly pleading note.

               “I love you, Hwa,” You tell him once more, your lips brushing against his with each word.

               He enters you, slipping all the way inside in one swift motion, filling you up with his length. Your back arches, pressing against Seonghwa who groans, his head bowed, not moving his hips once he is all the way inside you.

               “Your little tight hole drives me insane,” He says gruffly, “I want to feel you cum around my cock every night. Open your eyes and look at me, doll, I want to see that look in your eyes.”

               Your eyes, which closed when he entered you, open now to look at him. His eyes scan your face, drinking in the sight of you.

               “I love you,” Hwa whispers, in a voice so quiet it sounds as if it is just meant for you and the stars and not to the city encircling the two of you at all.

               You tilt your face up to kiss him as he begins to thrust inside your pussy. It is different to have him now and know there is no chance of losing him. You give into him completely and he does the same. Each jerk of his hips drives moans and pleas out of you, and each time Hwa enters you completely, he groans out that he loves you. You move together in unison, like two puzzle pieces clicking together. Your hands tangle in his hair, his tongue in your mouth, just like the night of the hot tub but without the fear looming in the distance.

               The kiss breaks and Hwa changes positions, bringing himself up and folding your legs a little back so that he can fuck you deeper. The angle hits your sweet spot, your fingers gripping the sheets as Seonghwa picks up his pace. He grips your thighs, his nails still painted black, smears against your skin, driving his cock in you like a piston. You are soaking wet, taking him easily, and Hwa watches the way your pussy greedily clenches down around his cock with each thrust.

               “You think that you got enough practice in?” He asks, breathing ragged, chest rising and falling quickly, his toned arms holding your legs back firmly, “Now you’re ready to be my girlfriend officially and take my dick like this every day.”

               Your head rolls back in pleasure, unable to even answer. The only thing you can focus on is how good it feels and how much you love it when Hwa talks like this as he fucks you.

               “Show me how much you love me by cumming around my cock.” His voice is taunt, humming along your skin and up your spine. “You’ll prove it to me, won’t you? Be a good girl and show me.”

               You know that your orgasm is close. Hwa is fucking you into the mattress, not slowing for a moment, determined to pound you into climax. Your thighs shake, your pussy tightening around his girth.

               “That’s a good girl,” He coaxes, “Tell me you love me as you cum.”

               Hwa gives a hard and deep thrust of his hips, driving his cock against your sweet spot one final time. Your orgasm begins and you groan out his name, eyes closing and head rolling back, knuckles turning white as you clutch the sheets.

               “H-Hwa,” You whimper out, “I love you!”

               Hwa releases his hold on your legs, curling around your body as he gives one final harried thrust before cumming along with you. His balls empty out in your cunt as he groans out that he loves you too, burying his face in your neck as the two of you climax together. You rock your hips against his, your pussy clenched around his length, milking his cock for every drop of cum as he unloads in you.

               For a minute or so, neither of you move, trying to catch your breath. Then, Seonghwa raises his face slightly, finding your lips, gently kissing you.

               “I could get used to this,” He hums softly against your skin.

               You could as well.

*

               A storm rushes into the city in the middle of the night. You jolt awake from a loud clap of thunder, eyes opening groggily, wondering what time it is.

               To your surprise, Seonghwa is already awake. He is sitting up, a sheet draped across his lower half, his bare back facing you. He is looking out the window across the city which is engulfed in sweeping rain and wind.

               Propping yourself up, you tentatively reach out for him. Fingers brushing against his back, skin warm against your fingertips. He’s mine now, you think with happiness.

               Hwa stirs at your touch, looking over his shoulder. “Did the storm wake you?” His voice is soft.

               You nod and then realize he might not be able to see you in the dark. “Yes,” You reply, your voice slightly worn out from all the noise earlier.

               Propping yourself up, you wrap your arms around his neck, your chest pressing against his back, your chin resting on his shoulder. Seonghwa softens, relaxing into your body, turning to kiss the top of your head before looking back out at the city.

               “What are you thinking about?” You ask quietly.

               “I was thinking about what everyone who is still awake in the city is doing right now. I was wondering what my parents did after they left here.”

               “Do you worry about them at all?”

               “I don’t know how I feel.”

               “You don’t have to know or have everything figured out in regards to them, Hwa. It’ll take time to sort through everything. Might even take years.”

               Seonghwa seems to chew on this silently before settling on, “I know I made the right choice.”

               “So, you can let that be your north star as you navigate everything.”

               He falls silent. For awhile, the two of you stay like that, watching the way the storm washes out the city. You can feel Hwa’s steady heartbeat underneath your fingers, and you listen to his quiet breathing. Your heart is full, overflowing with the sort of emotion you have only previously read about.

               The silent glow of the city brings a half luminescence to Hwa’s face. You trace the curve of his jaw and the length of his nose to the way his lips are slightly parted, drinking in the lights. Sensing your stare, he tilts his face to look at you, leaning forward a little to brush his lips against yours.

               The two of you stay like that until the storm quiets an hour later, musing about the future, wrapped up in the city and the rain, comfortable in your love.

 the end.

#ateez smut #ateez fics #seonghwa smut #seonghwa x reader #seonghwa fics #kpop fic #arrow in the dark #100 notes

[ghostoffuturespast]

Works In Progress 2023: A Cyberpunk 2077 Year In Review

I thought for a hot minute about doing one of those snazzy templates that’s been going around, but editing photos just ain’t my MO and rather than going by month I picked 12 favs that I’ve posted in 2023. Some of them were popular, some of them weren't. Overall, I think I did pretty good for just doing vanilla photomode on console.

You might be wondering why there's a picture of a sticky note. I don't remember when I started doing this, and I'm horribly inconsistent as you can see by the dates, but I'll jot down my word count for my wip chapter and then jot it down again when I remember to later.

I write slow. A lot of times I sit down to write and it feels like the wheels are spinning in place. My minutes and hours don't stretch very far, typically don't add up to much. But days, weeks, months. That's when I can at least measure the progress.

Fic: So It Goes 40/44 - 438,946 words

My V x River Ward and tinfoil hat conspiracy theory long fic. I've spent way more hours on this then I have on any of my VP.

I got tagged by @just-a-cybercroissant @therealnightcity and @wanderingaldecaldo to do some WIP Whenevers. I post my VP pretty regularly, so it’s always seemed silly to do work in progress posts for them, and I don’t know when I’ll have any new writing to share since in between work and the holidays, I haven’t had much time to sit down with anything since my last chapter update. And I've been feeling very... stingy, lately. Especially when it comes to mine and other people's writing. So take this WIP/Year In Review as my offering. Both these series, as am I, are all very much still works in progress. 

I confined my reflections for this year below the cut. If you don’t want to read my long-ass essays, you can admire the pictures, maybe check out my fic, or just move along and have yourself a lovely day.

We’ll start with the easy one.

VP

After at least a year of multiple playthroughs (I’ve played all the lifepaths, done all the endings), it only occurred to me at the beginning of this year to start taking VP. Part of the reason I never did before was because I didn’t realize it was a thing and then by the time I did, I figured I didn’t have much to offer. I play on PS5 and only have access to vanilla photomode, so seeing everyone else’s high-fidelity, ultra ray-tracing, modded, posed, full on virtual photo shoot photos, I was like there’s no way. (Not that I’m hating on PC modders, it’s just not everyone has access to mods or a PC capable of running the game, and I’m all for making art and creative endeavors accessible.) On top of that, all I’d ever heard from most other folks was how much vanilla photomode sucked. In the glamorous world of VP, I didn’t think there was any room for me.

But I started snapping pics anyway. And sure, there are a lot of limitations with vanilla photomode. But what that really translates to is opportunities to get creative. I am also a hoe for subverting people’s expectations, and very much believe when there’s a will, there’s a way.

Environmental and landscape shots were my first subjects before I started branching out into portraits and then capturing story moments. Through VP I found an entirely new way to enjoy a game that I’d already played a ridiculous number of times along with also finally being brave enough to share my V with other people too. I’d always worried about that before, if people would like her. Granted, I know Grandpa’s not everyone’s cup of tea, but whether you like her or not, I certainly think she’s made a name for herself over the past few months. Even if most people haven’t really gotten to know her the way I’d hoped. 

I’ve taken hundreds of photos this past year. Most of which I’ll never share. There’s a lot of flops, a lot of weird experiments, ones that didn’t quite turn out the way I’d hoped, but I’ve learned something from every single one of them. I know how to spot good lighting, frame shots to create optical illusions, get a very limited toolkit to work in my favor, parkoured on all of the things, and heck, I even figured out how to make Grandpa smooch other NPCs. I’ve done atmospheric, mundane, down right goofy, as well as things that most people probably thought weren’t fucking possible.

I can’t say how long I’ll keep doing this, I’m sure I’ll move on at some point, but for now I’m still enjoying myself. There's a lot to explore in this game and I just can’t stop digging Night City.

Now, for the more complicated thing.

Writing

So It Goes… My peace, my war, my greedy and most ravenous of ghosts.

I’m operating under the assumption that most people following me here probably haven't read my fic or aren’t all that interested in reading it to begin with. It’s fine. But you need to understand this fic, my writing, is the main thing that brought me here. This is also Grandpa V’s story. Most of you have met her, but unless you've been reading, most of you do not know her.

I wrote around 185,000 words and posted 10 chapters this year. 2022 was about 253,000 words and 30 chapters, along with several unrelated one shots. However, I don’t think I’ve done a single chapter this year that was less then 10k, and my longest managed to hit 27k. As of the last update I posted, the fic is currently sitting at around 439k words, 40 chapters, and still isn’t done.

I have four more chapters to write. I have written a metric shit ton of words. This is, by far, the longest and most intense creative project I’ve ever endeavored to complete.

When I started writing, I was expecting this fic to be around 100-150k. That seemed to be the average for most long fics. I did not plan on being an outlier. I'm not sure you can ever really plan for that, but I guess I enjoy subverting my own expectations too.

For those of you who are reading my fic, it is my sincerest hope that it shatters every expectation of where you think it’s going. It’s not a joke that I tagged my fic “#an ode to my tinfoil hat”. An ode it has turned out to be. I’ve been sitting on this theory for two years. I have told no one about it. I hope it sticks the landing and hits the way I want it to. I don't know if it will. But fuck, I just want to be done with it so I can move on with my life, take a break, and give myself the opportunity to make and focus on other things before I have to get back on the damn horse.

I wrote less this past year then I did in 2022. I had a lot of life changes, most of which were good, but with times of change come times of adjustment. Along with some realizations that maybe you don’t understand as much as you thought you did. Looking back, I’ve been in a state of unsettled, kuzushi, for a really long time. Which is not a good place to be. It’s how your ass ends up on the ground with a knee knocking out all your teeth. I thought I knew better. Thought I had enough practice to get away from it. But bad habits have good memories.

I think given the circumstances, I accomplished a lot with my writing this year. I don’t know if my writing is exactly where I want it to be. I doubt it every will be, but it’s evolved, grown, and I wrote a pretty hefty stack of words considering I started working full-time again, bought a house with my partner, moved, and have been dealing with the millions of other beans that life tends to throw one’s way. That being said, and for full disclosure, I’ve also been dealing with some of the worst cases of jealousy and envy I’ve had since I was a teenager. 

Frankly, it sucks. They walk with me every fucking where I go, hold my hands to whisper back all my doubts. Try to persuade me to my baser instincts, to be cruel and lash out. But that's not aikido. Luckily, I’m not 16 anymore so it’s at least been easier for me to identify the problem. Though I’m still coming up short in terms of actually being able to do anything about it, and will be for at least a few months more. 

Yeah, I keep talking about it because I don’t know how many people know that I've been feeling this way. And I’m tired of not talking about it in a room full of creatives, because yeah, I know I’m not the only one that feels this way. And not talking about it just makes all that pent up resentment worse for everyone.

Don’t get me wrong, I love writing. But with the way I work and think, it’s a slow, tedious, and incredibly time-consuming art. With how much my fic has snowballed over the course of writing, it’s left very little room for the other hobbies in my life. And as my fellow writers probably already know, writing is an incredibly insular craft. And unlike a picture or an image, which only requires a glance, reading a bunch of words requires time and commitment.

So, when you put yourself out there and share what you wrote, it’s a lonely feeling not knowing whether or not anyone connected with what you put on the page. Especially, when the people who do read aren’t compelled to voice anything and when the people you’d hope would read don’t. And then you're stuck in the dark, not knowing, because neither of us says a goddamn thing.

I started writing this fic prior to actually joining the CP2077 fandom. And I joined the fandom because I felt alone. I’ve been here a while now, albeit in a few different places, and that feeling still hasn’t gone away. I’m still trying to find camaraderie with my fellow writers and carve out something that kinda sort of resembles a home or a sense of community. I watch my peers around me as they seem to build that with each other, except me.

I’m envious of the things that people make and jealous of the relationships those have created and fostered between said people, because for the life of me, it’s been a struggle to cultivate that since I got here. I know it’s selfish, but I also don’t know what about me makes people so hesitant. There have been a handful of strangers that have shown up for me regularly, but as far as people I call friends in this fandom that have shown up and actually stuck around, I can only name one right now. (I know we're all busy. And I acknowledge my writing's not for everyone. I know maybe some of you are quiet, or shy, or probably a thousand other things. I get it. But that doesn't mean it doesn't hurt any less. People will never know unless you say. Never know unless you take the time to interact or engage. Be brave. And that's true for a lot of things.)

The propensity is for the negative to outweigh the positive. I've got a lot of numbers on my fic, so you would think things would be fine, but at this point they just feel empty. They don't bring me any comfort or real satisfaction. And I hate feeling like the people I know don’t care and that most of you are just talking around me. That I’m some kind of annoyance not fit to interact with. Which may or may not be the case. I don’t know. Again, most of you have never said anything. And maybe I need to accept the fact that most of you never will.

But this is me trying to start conversation.

It’s really shitty, knowing that the thing I want the most is also the thing holding me back. I know how to work on it too, not that it’s any guarantee. The problem is I’m still writing and in a needy state of greed. And because I’m slow, I don’t have the time or the energy to be generous. I can only take right now. I can’t give. 

Relationships require both.

I can’t bring myself to read other people’s writing. I can’t comment, or like, or share if I haven’t read anything. I'm desperate for conversation, but I also don't have the time or assurance to facilitate it with other people right now. And for some reason people never seem to want to talk to me, especially when it comes to writing. I want to be part of conversations, talk deeply with other people. But I can’t speak right now, I'm not in a place to offer generosity without someone first giving it to me.

And generosity and grace is what we all need.

Four more chapters and I hope my ghosts will finally let me read in peace.

#cyberpunk 2077 #2023 year in review #year in review #virtual photography #writing #from the top #fic: so it goes #long post #i can't guarantee a safe space but i can guarantee a brave space #if anyone's been feeling similarly and wants to talk about it my dms are open #the door's always open

[tswaney17]

It's a Match - Part 1

Happy birthday to the incredible @impossiblescissorspeachpaper!! I hope you have the loveliest of birthdays baby. I'm so blessed to call you one of my close friends. You're such an incredible person. 💕 Enjoy your special day, my love.

This fic is inspired by a conversation between myself, @ultadverb, @offtorivendell, @impossiblescissorspeachpaper, and @duskwhisperer. Thank you all for allowing me to take this idea and run with it. Also, apologies because this is barely edited. I was a hot mess all over this fic and it shows. 😅

My fanfic account: @tswaney17fics​​​

My ao3 account: tswaney17

Please let me know what you think about this update. I love getting your feedback. Constructive criticism is always welcome. 💕

Trigger warnings: language, NSFW

Word Count: 9,759

Read the full fic on AO3 here. Snippet under the cut.

Azriel was lounging on the couch in Cassian’s apartment regretting every decision that led him to this moment. Because just a few minutes ago, he accidentally let slip that he downloaded The Cauldron, a dating app, a month ago and his brother and Mor had not stopped pestering him about it since the words passed through his slightly buzzed lips.

“Come on, Az,” Mor whined, hanging over his shoulder and shooting him those puppy-dog eyes he had trouble resisting. “Open it up. Let’s see who you’re chatting with.”

That’s where the problem lay. Azriel wasn’t chatting with anyone because he never actually swiped right on anybody. It wasn’t that he didn’t find anyone particularly attractive—there were plenty of pretty girls on the app—it was just that he wanted something more than a physical relationship. He was thirty now; had a good career and his own place, made good money, and was freely able to spend it on anything without worrying about paying his bills. His life was in a good spot.

But he never really dated. Yes, he got women and fucked them well, Az wasn’t self-conscious enough to not know he was an attractive man, but those one-night stands just weren’t cutting it for him anymore. He wanted a genuine connection with someone; somebody he could build a relationship with.

Like what Rhys had found in his new girlfriend, Feyre. He’d met her once or twice, but it was obvious his brother was completely in love with the woman. Head over heels kind of in love. He was happy for him, truly. But sometimes, when he listened to his brother speak about the light of his life, he got this envious feeling inside; because he wanted that too.

He supposed that this dating app in general was probably not the best place to find that, but he was at a loss on where to find women that were looking for more than riding dick. Az sighed, running a brutally scarred hand through his dark hair, the strands flopping onto his forehead. “I’m not chatting with anyone,” he admitted, taking another swig of his beer.

Read More

~~~~~

Remember, sharing is caring! Please reblog if you liked the fic. It helps spread my work and I truly appreciate it. 💕

While I have moved these fics to AO3 only, I am still going to utilize a tag list here on Tumblr. This as a permanent solution and may change in the future. For notifications, you can follow and subscribe to my fanfic account where I will be reblogging updates and snippets only. You can also find me on ao3. If you would like to be added to my tag list, please leave a comment on this post.

My fanfic account: @tswaney17fics​

My ao3 account: tswaney17

Taglist: 

@nikethestatue

@reverie-tales

@123moiaussi

@duskwhisperer

@zdenkah

@nyxreads

@shedoessoshedoes

@athena-85

@jasmineandshadows

@nightcourtseer

@nivem565

@debramclaren

@illyrianvalkyriecarynthian

@secretpuppyflower

@justreallybored

@ultadverb

@the-regal-warrior

@roseandshadows

@tcursebreaker

@kingravinger

@mis-lil-red

@eloeloeheheh

@fawnandshadows

@swankii-art-teacher

@miss-bee-cat

@bookhhrelaz

@impossiblescissorspeachpaper

@elrielbaby

@lesolehabitantdelalune

@thoughtsaboutshows

@britishwings

@aelin21galathynius

@saz-griffin

@azrielslight

@bookstaninthesoul

Some tags seem to not want to link, which could be related to your visibility settings. Sorry about that!

#it's a match #elriel #happy birthday T #elain #elain archeron #azriel #azriel shadowsinger #elriel fanfic #elriel fic #elriel fanfiction #elain x az #elain x azriel #azriel x elain #elain and azriel #azriel and elain #pro elriel #tswaney17 #tswaney17fics #tay writes #my writing #fanfic #fanfiction #acotar #acomaf #acowar #acofas #acosf

[captainjunglegym]

20 questions for fic writers

I was tagged by the big man himself @bigassbowlingballhead

How many works do you have on ao3?

Fifteen wonderful fanfictional works of art (i used to have more for other fandoms but they were culled during the great move to this fandom haha)

What's your total ao3 word count?

102,099 if you can believe. all since the end of january.

What fandoms do you write for?

currently rwrb and rwrb rpf but I've been doing some research into another fandom that i wanna write in soon! watch this space *eyes*

Top five fics by kudos:

No.1 (Royal Red and Blue) Oil on Canvas

Henry Fox is Alive

If You're Not Made For Me (Why Did We Fall in Love?)

Said I'm Sorry But I'm Not To Blame

Drinking light chardonnays and eating tiny finger foods

Do you respond to comments?

uhhhhh yikes. I have adhd i'll blame that. I'm sorry. i dont tend to on my long fics but on my shorter smuts i might if i remember. im sorry. just know that i read every single comment!!!!!! and appreciate them

What is the fic you wrote with the angstiest ending?

I've written some angsty shit, but i think my fic Someone Loved Me But Not Today. It's an open ended fic where Alex and Henry are exes who reconnect at the funeral of Henry's twin brother George.

What's the fic you wrote with the happiest ending?

All my fics bar the above have a happy(ish) ending.

But probably Henry Fox is Alive because it's so healing to both Alex and Henry.

No.1 is a close second. All my smut has a happy ending ifyaknowwhatimean *wink wonk*

Do you get hate on fics?

Hate is a strong word. I've had some slightly nasty comments about characterisation that hurt my feelings lol, but nothing that is intentionally nasty to me or about my writing. Just choices I've made. But it's whatevs innit.

Do you write smut?

Of course!

Craziest crossover:

no crossovers as of yet. I can imagine writting 911/911ls crossovers if that even counts. Maybe alex and henry can get into an accident in either austin or LA and have my fire boys and gyals come rescue them

Have you ever had a fic stolen?

Ha! who'd bother

Have you ever had a fic translated?

nope but if ya want to then sure.

Have you ever co-written a fic before?

nope. i'm too shy i'd be all embarrassed haha

All time favorite ship?

oh i've been in fandom for like 13 years now i've got a lot of ships that changed me. Lets say firstprince at the moment though bc it's brought me some wonderful friends

What's a wip you want to finish but doubt you ever will?

i usually finish my wips actually. but my 1850s australian prison au is on the back burner bc i have others i find easier writing haha

What are your writing strengths?

people always say dialogue

What are your writing weaknesses?

editing and streamlining. maybe pacing.

Thoughts on dialogue in another language?

yes love it, but i wouldnt do it bc i only speak english and i dont want to look dumb in front of my international friends. like lots of my blorbos are multilingual!!!!

First fandom you wrote in?

oof. idk. Maybe supernatural as my first posted fic? I wrote a lot of fic for bands that were popular when i was young but they shall not be named and never saw the light of day

Favorite fic you've written?

uhh actually it's probably Henry Fox is Alive. Love that fic and it was my first firstprince fic. Special place in my heart!

Also Drinking light chardonnays and eating tiny finger foods is a fave bc it got a lot of traction for being a piss fic hahahaha

No pressure tags for just a few peeps: @anincompletelist @agostobuwan @nocoastposts @wordsofhoneydew whoever wants to!

[dreamsndmadness]

hellooo!!!(sorry in advance for all of the rambling)

first of all, im absolutely gushing from all of the soft moments in ch9: feyd nearly crying from being cared for, paul helping feyd with his nightmares, and feyd being protective/caring in both the breakfast scene and throughout the spice field inspections :333. It was all VERY adorable and paul finally being unhesitating about his sexual relationship with feyd and them communicating (both implicitly with paul reading feyds body language and explicitly with paul making feyd ask for what he wants), it's all very rewarding in general :)

Also, ive just been thinking nonstop about all the stuff going on with paul. so, my first theory about pauls exhaustion was because he was staying up because of feyds nightmares waking up but then i re-read it and saw paul was tired even before they shared a bed, and then i remembered that lack of sleep is a common symptom of pregnancy so thats my leading theory rn, that OR paul is staying up late reading lol. im also so interested in what paul and lady jessica are plotting, they mentioned controlling feyd and learning more about him in the beginning and then theres the date palm scene. I remember in the movies that date palms are definitely on arrakis so my first thought was that feyd was being a paranoid little freak about it but then i thought lady jessica might be trying to assess pauls health or something?? its safe to say im super hyped for the paul POV

sorry about the length and INCREDIBLY half formed theories

( •̀ - •́ ) ₊˚⊹ ᰔ

The wonderful bowl100!!

I love your questions ☺️. Omg yay!!! I’m so glad you liked the chapter. I always have a crisis of confidence when I post new chapters 🙃. Yesss. The softness. Feyd cutting the fruit and making sure Paul eats was one of my favorite moments from the chapter. It’s so hard to write moments of tenderness from him without it seeming out of character. And then he can never be honest with himself about why he’s doing things or why certain things are making him feel certain ways. Man. This guy. Feyd used his words FINALLY!!! And yes!! I’m so happy for Paul. Starting to enjoy himself. It’s so important.

Okee so here’s what I can say. You aren’t wrong about any of your guesses per say. It’s been such a joy to write from Paul’s pov because he’s a much more emotionally evolved person so I can write him being like “ah yes. This is making me feel this way!”. So one of the biggest reasons for Paul’s exhaustion is that he has been having dreams. Some of them good, some of them pretty disturbing. And yes, we will be seeing them in the next chapter. He is also (not really a spoiler cause it’s in the tags) pregnant! Another big reason! That’s going to be a plot point of the next chapter as well.

Lol the date palm scene!! You’re right on both counts. Feyd is being a paranoid little freak. He’s like “they are speaking in code!!” No you weirdo, they are talking about date palms. However, I am going to give him a little credit because he did pick up on the weird energy of the scene which is basically due to Jessica trying to draw Paul out of his funk. She’s worried about him and thinks he’s not doing well, and she’s trying to cheer him up and also trying to subtly (probably too subtly) signal to Feyd to do the same. Which he kinda gets! Cause he then invites Paul to come with him on inspection and Jessica is like “thank fucking god you are so fucking dense”. To Feyd. Not Paul. Paul can do no wrong in Jessica’s eyes lol.

Anyway! All of your theories were pretty spot on and perceptive!!! Sorry it took so long for me to respond 😔. I’ve been sick this week and it’s been a struggle. I have most of Paul’s chapter finished (it’s sitting at 5,500 words right now 😀). And I hope to edit and post tomorrow!!

Thank you as always for your lovely questions. I look at your wonderful art every day 🥹.

All the best 🫶.

#paul atreides #feyd rautha #paul x feyd #feydpaul #asks #my writing

[melodygatesauthor]

Weekly Update

8/27/2023

Announcements/Reminders

Next week is my 1 year ficversary! - I'll be doing a BIG post and a tiny celebration for that since I just had a celebration for my 2k followers.

-

I'm taking art commissions! - Pricing - Follow my art blog: @melodymakesart

Fic Updates

Disclaimer - I never know which way the winds of inspiration will blow. Timeframes aren’t a promise/guarantee, they’re a goal.

Fic Updates Legend:

Blue - Update this week

Pink - Update in progress

Red - Backburner Fic (not currently working on. See WIP list for status)

You can find my current WIP list here

Chaptered Fic Updates

A Bit Dodgy - Chapter 17 is coming tomorrow! I don't think it will be out early in the morning like usual but it will be out tomorrow at some point during the day!

Always Yours, Never Mine - Chapter 4 is in progress, hoping to have the next update out in the next couple of weeks!

The Fractured Moon - My primary focus this past week has been getting A Bit Dodgy finished, and also working on getting the requests and stuff for my 2k celebration done. I'll be working on part 4 of TFM this week to hopefully post next week!

Remember to look at my WIP list for other backburner fics

Mini-series Updates

Feeling You Can’t Fight - Chapter 3 is done! I had meant to get editing done for this fic last week but it got away from me! I'll be working on it this week.

All on the backburner for now but will get additional chapters soon:

Not a Doctor - Part 2

Worth the Risk - Part 3

AI Character Bot Updates

I currently have the following bots on my list that I’m working on. If you have any suggestions or additions you’d like, please feel free to ask! I won’t make every single one I get asked for but I’ll make some of them as I get time!

DBF Jake and Steven (I already did Marc...did I ever post him? I thought I did but maybe not)

Patient Steven and Marc

Moon Knight Rescue scenario

Am I missing any? Don't see one on the list that you want to add? Send me an inbox or private message! No promises, but if I like the idea I'll make an AI bot.

I think that's all for now! Much love!

Don't forget to follow my other blogs:

@melodymakesart - My art blog

@lockandkeynovel - The blog for my original fiction novel, Lock & Key

@melodyreadsfanfiction - The blog where I reblog works I intend to read, a good place for fanfic readers to follow!

@melodygatesupdates - This is where I'll reblog any chapter updates for my fics and whatnot. This is what I use instead of a tag list!

#moon knight #steven grant #marc spector #melody gates weekly updates #melody talks #jake lockley #melodys weekly updates #miguel o'hara #across the spiderverse

[inkedroplets]

20 Questions More

A deeper and more detailed version of the 20 questions for AO3 fanfic writers. Thanks @eqt-95 for the tag

1) How do you keep getting ideas for your ship/fandom?

I always have too many ideas and not enough time to actually write.

2) Which authors inspire you in your fandom, and why are they so freakishly good?

There are way too many authors to list that I feel like would deserve a mention. I would love to give a huge thank you to all the gifmakers still in the fandom-sphere. I can probably thank gifsets for a lot of my ideas (even if I still haven't actually written them down).

3) Aside from the characters of your main ship, who are the characters you love to write?

Within the Supercorp-sphere, I love writing for Sam. I think because I would have loved to see her stick around longer in the show itself.

4) Are there pairings or tropes you know for sure you'd never write about? Which ones?

I don't want to say any trope is technically off the table but I don't think I'd ever write a true enemies to lovers fic. I slow burn enough as it is, if I tried to write that, I'd never finish it.

5) What is your writing process and why is it cursed?

My editing process is akin to pulling weeds. I like to reduce my word count by maybe 10% on the first edit. Add back maybe 5% more and repeat the process until I'm finally happy with it. Spoiler alert: I'm never happy

6) What is your favorite part of your writing process?

I'm much more a gardener when it comes to writing so I never know where the story will go exactly. So just writing the first draft is always the most fun for me. I sometimes think the characters will act a certain way and they kind of take a life of their own and I'm just along for the ride.

7) What’s the weirdest thing you’ve had to research for a fic?

I remember having to research art forgery for essentially a throwaway line but it really was interesting. E

8) Is there a particular writing rule you struggle with (grammar, spelling, tense, reality in general)?

None in particular, but that's not to say I don't make many many mistakes. I do tend to make tiny changes as I go which means that I've doubled up on some sentences in the past and I am always mortified when I find them after I've already posted the chapter.

9) What was your hardest scene to write so far and why?

Scenes with urgency give me trouble. You want the scene to breathe but you need to be aware that time is short so what the characters can say, what they want to say and what they actually get to say are so different. There was a scene like that in A Rich Girl With Issues that I kind of agonized over. How much should I let Kara and Lena speak to one another, what's important, what should be left unsaid?

10) Have your characters ever done something you didn’t expect, changing your plot completely?

All. The. Time. I never have a plan. I sometimes have scenes I want to write and hope the story veers in that direction so I can write it but it always turns out so different.

11) If you could converse with any of the characters, who would it be and why?

Probably Lena because she's the loml (Apologies to the actual loml)

12) What are some of the tropes or themes that you find yourself returning to in your writing?

I am addicted to pining. Not just pining, angsty pining. I love writing something that's so obvious to everyone else when the characters are so in love or so full of self-loathing that they can't let themselves even begin to imagine their feelings being returned.

13) What's your most important resource as a writer?

Reading. I read voraciously. I'm normally surrounded by books. Some that I pick up to just read anywhere. It's helped me find my voice and it's helped me grow as a writer (at least I think it has)

14) Can you share some of your strategies for editing and revising your work?

I do small edits as I go but nothing major. If a line sticks out that I really don't like then I usually tinker with it before I move on. I think that's not good advice in general but it bothers me too much to ignore. But if you do edit as you go, there's a lot less to polish in the final editing stages.

15) Which is worse: making the summary, picking the tags, or the anxiety when you post your fic?

I hate making the summary. I don't even know what the fic is about, how the hell am I supposed to tell other people?

16) How do you define success for your fanfic - hits? Kudos? Comments? Bookmarks? Or just if you like it?

I feel like my writing is very selfish in a way. They are stories that I want to read and I get enjoyment out of writing them. So every kind comment I get, there's always a sense of wonder because it's so strange that someone else is interested. I truly do cherish every comment and there are many I like to revisit when I'm not feeling so confident in my writing.

17) Do you have a playlist for your favorite character/ship?

I usually make a playlist for each multi-chapter fic. Some fic ideas get their start as a playlist. Please someone ask me about them, I have so many.

18) If fan art was going to be made from your work, which fic would you pick and which fan artist would you like to create it?

I have been very blessed that people have made fan art of my work and I'm still in awe. I could never even begin to describe how touched and honored I am that anybody did that. One of the pieces has been my computer background for ages. It's not an exaggeration that I cherish every single piece. I honestly don't think I could ever adequately describe how much it means to me.

19) How many WIPs do you currently have?

For Supercorp I have 15+ I do plan on actually posting them in the new year.

20) What's your advice to new fanfic writers?

I would say to write for yourself first and foremost. Sharing your art or your writing or even your head canons or ideas takes a lot of courage. It's scary to put something out there that means so much to you. I'd also advise not to get too hung up on hits/kudos/comments etc. I can't say don't look at them because I'd be a hypocrite but I would say to focus on the journey rather than the destination.

- - - - -

tagging (respectfully and without pressure) @fazedlight @autisticlenaluthor @rustingcat

#ask game #writing #oh this was fun

[gallawitchxx]

tag game tuesday thursday: fandom edition! ✨

thank you so much to @celestialmickey @energievie @mzshko @shinygalaxyperson @juliakayyy @mmmichyyy @metalheadmickey for tagging me! & then i'm pretending that @gardenerian & @suzy-queued tagged me too. i love you all so madly 🖤

- - - - -

your name: bee 🐝

your age: 13 going on 30 🥳

your first fandom(s): probably harry potter (fuck jkr). there's a picture of baby me that ran in my hometown newspaper at a midnight book release (at borders books! remember that place???), dressed as luna lovegood lolol. i still have the radish earrings that i made out of model magic! but then i was super active in the doctor who fandom in the early 2010s. i never wrote fic or anything though, just irl stuff--god, the 50th anniversary was so fucking fun--& tumblr gifs 🤩

your current fandom(s): shameless 🖕🏼

how did you first get into fandom? see above? lol. i think i just have always been a nerd who likes to engage with media in a fully unhinged way 😅

how long have you been engaging with fandom spaces? i'll keep this answer shamey specific: since early 2021! i fully fell into a deep pit of gallavich & started reading fic & lurking around tumblr. finally made one over the summer & then decided to fully impose on this space for the first ever gallacrafts! what a way to join! ✨

how often do you read fanfics? every damn day 😇

top 3 characters from your current fandom(s): mickey milkovich, ian gallagher, mandy milkovich

have you ever written a fic for a fandom? if so, shout it out! you can find me at gallawitch on ao3 & here's my bee writes 🐝 ✍🏼 tag on tumblr! 😍

have you ever drawn fanart for a fandom? if so, drop a link! surprisingly, yes! there are some on ao3 & then you can also check out my #bee makes art 🐝🎨 tag on tumblr!

share a personal headcanon that you feel very strongly about: i have really big feelings about 4x11 (it's one of my absolute favorite episodes of television, truly) & the powder keg that is the whole day between ian & mickey. you can read some of those thoughts here, but basically i think that regardless of love or mania, ian stopped taking mickey's safety into account when he was pushing him to come out. one day i will find the og meta post i wrote!! i still stand by it! 🗣

you’re trying to convince a friend to get into your current fandom(s) with you. what episode, clip, or scene are you showing them? again, because i am UNHINGED, i actually made this whole interactive summary to introduce someone to ian x mickey, aka the greatest love story of all time & you can read it here: the great ship gallavich 🚢

and finally, what does fandom mean to you? oh holy hell. at this point, it's truly everything to me. it's my escape, it's my joy, it's my entertainment, it's my safe space & it's now my BEST FUCKING FRIENDS. i truly think it's the most comfy i've felt sharing & creating with others & i just think it's a magical & emotional place. words cannot describe my gratitude 💗💗💗

- - - - -

tagging @crossmydna @whatthebodygraspsnot @whaticameherefor @whatwouldmickeydo @heymrspatel @thisdivorce @squidyyy23 @abundanceofnots @oatmilkovich & @rereadanon if you wanna play! if not, i'm kissing your head! 😘

#this was so fun! i loved this one! #what a ride the last couple of years have been! #tag game tuesday #tagged #a busy bee calls for a little queue 🐝

[scuderlia]

thanks for the tag jo @liamlawsonlesbian <3

star sign: aries sun, capricorn moon, virgo rising. being chill and normal was never an option.

favorite holiday: probably Halloween 💀 as someone who loves horror and is a recovering theatre kid, it's perfect. plus, i'm gay.

last meal: three twizzlers & a litre of ginger kombucha

current favorite musician: i've been listening to a lot of Wolf Alice and SASAMI recently.

last song listened to: 'No Girl So Sweet' (PJ Harvey)

(a tangent... but if any of my mutuals want to stalk each other on Spotify pls lmk...)

last movie watched: Talk to Me (2023) dir. Danny & Michael Philippou. i watched it on my flight and it was honestly a lot better than i anticipated. even though gore isn't typically my favourite, i was pleasantly surprised by how they managed to integrate it into a possession film. loved the grief-driven storylines, and the characters charmed me. rating: ☆☆☆☆

last tv show watched: Betty (HBO) !!! i have debilitating crushes on everyone from Skate Kitchen.

last book finished: Empire of Wild by Cherie Dimaline. it was assigned in one of my first year uni courses and i sped through it without really taking the time to read it properly. now that i have it's been rotting my brain non-stop. her use of simile is insane.

i also recently finished An Anthropologist on Mars by Oliver Sacks. one of my all-time favourite authors and academics, would highly recommend this as a foray into 'medical' non-fiction.

last book abandoned: i don't think i've ever abandoned a book in my life, but i recently had to choke down this technical document about building codes that i can't be bothered to remember the title of.

edit: just remembered the absolute chore that was reading Outlawed by Anna North. i feel cheated and lied to by the cover because i love the cover, but the book is honestly unbelievably boring. i’m tired of the evangelical horse girl narrators, i had enough of those where i grew up. i did finish this because i hate quitting, but it tested my patience and made me feel like pulling my hair out.

currently reading: Milk Fed by Melissa Broder (for like the third time). this book is sooo weird and kind of gross, in the best way. it's definitely not going to appease everyone but i have a sick fascination with it and keep coming back. i've also been having a love affair with the cover design for a while now.

last thing researched for writing/art/hyperfixation: common apartment floorplans in Italy (if anyone has this info, hmu). i'm also in an internet sinkhole of background on the 2024 F2 grid and their respective karting histories.

favorite online fandom memory: when i was 15 i had public beef with a bunch of conservatives in a politician's comment section over pipelines and green policy and then said politician blocked me on every platform. this wouldn't be fandom related if not for the fact that i used my fan account to do all of this, so [redacted] had to search my cringe username multiple times... like omg are you a fan?

favorite old fandom you wish would drag you back in/have a resurgence: the euphoria that i felt being a part of the haikyuu fandom during quarantine will never be replicated, but i think about it every day.

favorite thing you enjoy that never had an active or big fandom, but you wish it did: i'm really into the original, morbid Grimm fairytales and wish that someone would produce a proper remake of Cinderella already. let the doves pick out the step sisters' eyes, cowards.

tempting project you don't have time for: this is a trick question because i always give into temptation regardless of whether i have time for it or not. i really want to do a series of deep-dive posts about track design and the 'architects' of f1... i've been fixated on it for a while now and haven't seen a lot of discussion about it, plus it seems like it would be fun to put all the research together :)

~ all the people i would tag have already posted, but pls do it if you'd like!

#tag game

[polychaeteworm]

Here it is, the long awaited pin post (will be edited later)

If I have followed you and you are a dark/horror/goth/traumacore or Saltburn blog, it was @neurotheascars that hit the follow button.

(currently only on mobile)

Hello I'm Orn, I'm the alien system host of a 31 year old human body with 8 alters inside, this is just my blog though. I'm a mixed media artist and I know more mediums then I can remember to count. I give advice compulsively so if you have a weird art supply question my inbox is open and anons are on. I know all about glue, polymer, proper glitter use, and UV colors.

Aro/ace-spec, into men as a man and women as a women.

I'm also a green wizard and I've been doing weird art based magic for about 11 years

On this blog you'll find a nice mixed bag of the following: Precambrian explosion and Paleo fun, speculative biology, green magic and experimental occult content, 420 weed posting, plants, pendantic info dumps, artwork(both mine and not), web 1.0 tech nostalgia and autism/did/disability content!

I was formally diagnosed with the demand avoidant flavor of ASD when I was 7 and can't live alone but remain very independent in spite of my support needs. I have lots of trouble wording things and as an alter I've become hyper verbal out of a fear of being misinterpreted. ABA therapy abused my system into having a pretty convincing mask so Sorry Not Sorry but I am a living breathing wall of text in this space.

Other bs I deal with- DID, hypermobility, fibromyalgia, dyspraxia, low vision/legal blindness, irlen syndrome, complex synesthesia, hyperphantasia, and really uncontrolled maladaptive daydreaming

I grow cannabis in a legal state and use it to treat my various issues.

I am posic and objectum about plants and old technology and that is liable to come out a lot on this blog. I currently have a courting/platonic relationship with a Philodendron Solleum Named Basaran and a committed platonic partnership with a large MFC office printer named Leviathan. I've had several committed romantic relationships with older computers, but currently don't have an alive and well computer partner.

Other blogs I'm connected to:

My irl human(dog) partner is @guromechanical TW: don't go here if you're not fucked in the head 18+

@neurotheascars Saira's side blog, trauma holding alter, goth aesthetics and vent posts. TW for traumacore, unreality and blood/SH specifically. If you are a Saltburn, traumacore, or otherwise dark gothic blog it is most likely Saira that has followed you.

If Saira is co-fronting or informing a post here, it will be tagged with ⚔️

Saira has more severe difficulty with communicating and needs a bit more patience than me.

Finally:

Some things about interacting with me:

I sometimes struggle to reply to people in a timely manner, but you can always poke me for a response.

I never ask bad faith questions or make bad faith assumptions. I'm a safe person to talk to if you struggle to understand language because I have alters that struggle like that. If I'm not understanding something, an analogy usually helps.

I practice kindness and I will match your energy. I am a high empathy autistic and this means the worst name I'm gonna call anyone is an asshole and asshole is a title that is temporary and fleeting because even the humans I hate are humans who are alive and make mistakes. I dislike making people feel bad so I do not hurl insults. If you give me anon hate I'm just gonna wish you well. Anger is born of pain, even if misplaced. I receive rage like a wall, so don't bruise your fists on me please.

I try not to follow minors but if I have followed you for any reason and you don't want me to follow you just lemme know and I'll comply. No issues.

I prefer minors to not follow me, but reblogging @ing, hearting, ect is totally fine.

#pinned post #about #orn rambles

[asongofstarkandtargaryen]

Idk how old your post/rblog is and i have a rant sorry you're the receiver. I used to love Jonsa crackship years ago before the show "hints" and like the amount of people shipping it has ruined it for me tbh.

And in general, idk if in my lack of tumblr use for like 5 years, everyone "grew out of tumblr' and left cause i've come back and :( it's ship wars and character wars and at least who i followed (all 4+years since they last blogged) even when they disliked a character they never just IGNORED characteristics and stuff. Like Catelyn and Sansa were always victims of misogynistic takes but at least people weren't utterly praying for their demise like i see now.

besides like Euron and the Mountain and like Ramsay and Roose, it's hard not to see the good AND the bad of every character, male or female, that's sorta the point of the series..... like even Jaime "throw a kid out the window" Lannister has a whole ass redemption arc (and my personal theory will still die despite growth!) like ughhh

sorry to rant, but like I feel like I can't follow any asoiaf blog that isn't casual rblogs cause everyone is so PRESSED in trying to up their faves that they destroy others in the process.... how is this fun for anyone???? do you like the media you are consuming????

you can just delete this i'm just tired.

I respect your fandom experience but I have a different one. I wasn't always on Tumblr but I've been a fan of asoiaf books even before the show started airing and I don't agree that things were better in the past. Dudebros on reddit (and on other platforms) always considered Catelyn and Sansa the worst characters ever simply because they found them boring. But I also remember fans making fun of the trauma Jon Snow has thanks to his stepmother, calling him whinny and saying that he should be grateful he didn't have it worse. Long before Jon//sa, I remember Sansa and San//san fans taking elements from Arya's and other Starks' stories to give to their favourite character/pairing. And then I also remember the Dark! Dany and Political! Jon theories rising. So yeah, fandom always had awful takes.

On the other hand, I've read some great meta from various fans other the years, seen some beautiful edits and art, read good fanfictions and even make some friends. So, I'm not going to say that everything about the asoiaf fandom is awful because that would untrue.

I don't post/reblog of mine triggered your ask but I guess that's what matter the least. The most important is how we should all curate our own fandom experience. My advice to anyone who might read this is to block tags of stuff that trigger/irritate you, block blogs that annoy you ( or simply post about your disliked characters/ships) and follow people whose content you enjoy.

#asoiaf ask #asoiaf fandom

[whatisthismandoinghere]

Finally got around to making a list for that Hogan’s Heroes/Taylor Swift prompt list I mentioned a while back, so welcome to Cruel Summer at Stalag 13!! (cannot for the life of me decide if I love or hate the event name, it’s real hard to make a combo of Hogan’s Heroes and Taylor Swift 😂) Lemme know what you think, I was considering coming up with some alternate prompts in case there were some that weren’t catching your eye, but it was hard enough to come up with the 31, so if there is a Taylor Swift song or some Taylor Swift lyrics that you would have liked to see, drop me a line and I’ll add them on! I’m gonna go ahead and set it up for the month of July so everyone can have plenty of time to get a start on their creations (or if you’re like me you can just wait till the last second 😂) I may or may not make a collection on ao3 but I'll keep yall posted on that

For starters I’m gonna go over some rules (though I don’t really like to call them that cuz there aren’t really any rules) but anywho

If you’re writing, these do not have to be song fics, these are just meant to be prompts to inspire whatever story, art, etc. you may have inside of you, no use of lyrics or any mention of music required, it doesn’t even really need to be related to the song as a whole in anyway, so no knowledge of Taylor Swift is required

All types of media are welcome!! This includes, but is not limited to, writing, artwork, gifsets, video edits. Whatever you can come up with, you are more than welcome to share!

Interpretation is completely up to you!! Whatever idea comes to your mind, just roll with it, there is no wrong way to do it

You can complete as many or as few prompts as you wish

If you choose to post your work, please tag it with #cruel summer at stalag 13

Please wait until the day of the prompt to post, and late submissions are always welcome!

And most importantly, have fun :D 

If you have any questions at all, please do not hesitate to reach out to me, I promise I don’t bite lol

Without further ado, prompts are below the cut! If the prompt is a lyric, I put the title of the song they’re from after it in parentheses. There’s also a picture after the text (and quick shout out to @annieslytherpuff21​ for some of these suggestions!)

A Place in This World

It’s a typical Tuesday night (You Belong With Me)

Dear John

I remember it all too well (All Too Well)

Hung my head as I lost the war / And the sky turned black like a perfect storm (Clean)

This Is Why We Can’t Have Nice Things

Death by a Thousand Cuts

Back when I was livin’ for the hope of it all (August)

Crescent moon, coast is clear (Ivy)

Sometimes I wonder which one’ll be your last lie (Vigilante Shit)

You put up walls and paint them all a shade of gray (Cold as You) 

I close my eyes and the flashback starts (Love Story)

Innocent

Now I’m lying on the cold hard ground (I Knew You Were Trouble)

Out of the Woods

New Year’s Day

It’s Nice to Have a Friend

Peace

Past the blood and bruise / Past the curses and cries (Happiness)

I should not be left to my own devices (Anti-Hero)

I’ve been a lot of lonely places / I’ve never been on the outside (The Outside) 

It’s hard to fight when the fight ain’t fair (Change)

Do you still feel like you know what you’re doing / Cause I don’t think you do (Better Than Revenge)

Starlight

It’s poker, he can’t see it in my face / But I’m about to play my ace (New Romantics) 

Don’t Blame Me 

Devils roll the dice, angels roll their eyes (Cruel Summer)

Epiphany

Tolerate It

Mastermind

All that bloodshed, crimson clover (The Great War)

#hogan's heroes #prompt list #cruel summer at stalag 13

[dweemeister]

2023 Movie Odyssey Award for Best Original Song (final results)

TAGGING (even some folks who didn’t do this but I hope will join/rejoin us someday): @addaellis, @birdsongvelvet, @cinemaocd, @doglvr, @dog-of-ulthar, @emilylime5, @exlibrisneh​, @halfwaythruthedark, @idontknowmuchaboutmovies, @introspectivemeltdown, @machpowervisions, @maximiliani, @mehetibel, @memetoilet​, @metamatar, @monkeysmadeofcheese, @myluckyerror​, @phendranaedge, @plus-low-overthrow, @qteeclown, @rawberry101, @rosymeraki-blog, @shadesofhappy​, @shootingstarvenator, @stephdgray, @the-lilac-grove, @theybecomestories, @umgeschrieben, @underblackwings, and @yellanimal

Hello all,

I know it's mid-January, but the book is finally closed on the Movie Odyssey for 2023 and the 2023 Movie Odyssey Award for Best Original Song (MOABOS XI) Final. For those who need a refresher, I refer to the whole collection of films I saw for the first time in their entirety over a calendar year as "My Movie Odyssey". It forms the backbone of my classic film blog on tumblr, which has been featuring the Movie Odyssey Awards (of which MOABOS is one category out of 26 total). The true reason for the blog's continuing existence are my film write-ups, tagged "My Movie Odyssey" (which remains stuck, unfortunately at 799 as of the writing of this wrap-up post).

INTRODUCTION AND A RE-STATEMENT OF PURPOSE

Whether or not you participated in 2023's Movie Odyssey Award for Best Original Song (MOABOS XI), I thank you for your consideration, your time, and your support. This eleventh edition of MOABOS was the tenth with outside involvement from family, friends, and tumblr followers.

Late Sunday night, I was asked by a MOABOS newcomer what was the true purpose of this strange competition/holiday tradition/social experiment/whatever you want to call it. It was, admittedly, a little jarring to hear that question again for the first time in perhaps a few years. Of course, there's the fun in seeing everybody's comments and rankings. The drama of folks complaining about the musical tastes of others they have never met is hilarious (high school friends side-eyeing coworkers; my undergrad and grad school friends having no overlap in taste – yes, I even find the disparagement towards my musical tastes as horribly funny. I get a strange kick out of conducting the single transferable vote of a few dozen people.

In the end, the purpose of MOABOS is twofold.

First, at the most basic level, it's to keep in touch with all of you. The second purpose is more complex, and may or may not be of coequal importance. Like the Movie Odyssey Awards it is a part of, and especially those movie write-ups stubbornly stuck at 799, MOABOS is meant to introduce all of you to films you may not have otherwise encountered – especially classic movies of yesteryear.

No one looks at you funny when you say you read an old book, or go to see centuries-old art in a museum, or listen to what is now being called "oldies" music. But for film? Not so much. I hope MOABOS has helped demystify and make more accessible/less intimidating the movies featured here. Yes, I'll always toot the horn of Old Hollywood. Unabashedly so, as it has so much to teach us and entertain us. But may you also have found enjoyment in MOABOS's brushes with animation from outside the major American and Japanese studios, the formative decades of Bollywood (far removed from the Hindu nationalism of the present day), the largely unexplored works of classic film south of the American border (preservation, restoration, historical neglect, and lack of access forming a hydra of problems from Mexico to Brazil and in-between), and even works that come my way as Artistic Director of Viet Film Fest (VFF).

It's been a privilege for the last eleven years to take you all on this cinematic/musical journey – one aspect of many of the Movie Odyssey. And I'm honored to have your trust in me to be a guide.

RESULTS

Remember: the MOABOS final is not like the prelim. It isn't primarily decided on the points system used in the final. It, since 2018, is decided on single transferable vote.

First, the standings on points. It should be noted that MOABOS XI just pipped last year for the participation record for a final. We had 40 rankings (including yours truly) last year; this year had 41 in the final (the only bad news: we had 44 people participate in this year's prelim and I invited extra people in the final, so this number definitely could've been higher).

STANDINGS ON POINTS (USED ONLY AS THE FIRST TIEBREAKER... the actual final result is the list below this one). Using the method used in the preliminary round, the count would’ve looked like this (“Song”, Film title (points) / #1 votes).:

“Miss Celie's Blues (Sister)”, The Color Purple (225) / 11

“Suzume”, Suzume (223) / 4

“Qu'est-ce qu'on fait de l'amour?”, Ernest & Celestine: A Trip to Gibberitia (207) / 7

“Esse Mundo é Meu”, Esse Mundo é Meu (179) / 1

“Chattanooga Choo Choo”, Sun Valley Serenade (164.5) / 3

“Ciao Papa”, Guillermo del Toro's Pinocchio (160) / 4

“Hooked on Your Love”, Sparkle (154) / 3

“I'm Just Ken”, Barbie (153.5) / 3

“Danger Zone”, Top Gun (139) / 1

“Tiền”, Good Morning and Good Night (129) / 0

“Trời Sáng Rồi, Ta Ngủ Đi Thôi (Good Morning and Good Night”, Good Morning and Good Night (102) / 1

“Return to Sender”, Girls! Girls! Girls! (98) / 0

“Animal Crackers in My Soup”, Curly Top (95) / 1

“Barsaat mein hamse mile tum sajan (In the Rainy Season, We Met One Another)”, Barsaat (94) / 0

 “I Know Why (And So Do You)”, A Mighty Wind (90) / 2

Using the points system tiebreaker alone, this was a nailbiter. "Miss Celie's Blues (Sister)" eked out a 2-point lead over "Suzume". What was even more surprising is that "Miss Celie's Blues" has set the record for most #1 votes in MOABOS final (11, breaking the nine #1 votes that "9 to 5" received in last year's final).

When looking solely at points, this is tied for the third-smallest margin ever recorded at the top (there have been two ties on points: MOABOS VII in 2019 and MOABOS IX in 2021). 

THE OFFICIAL TABULATION FOLLOWS AND DETAILS CAN BE FOUND IN THE READ-MORE. We used a single transferable vote (which is explained visually here). With 41 respondents, a song needed 50% + 1 vote of all #1 and transferred votes to be declared a winner. Thus, a song needed 21 votes to win. One ballot was discarded very late during the final tabulation due to that person ranking nine songs, but having their top nine completely eliminated as the count progressed. 40 ballots remained, but the magic number to win remained 21. The top ten songs became nominees; the bottom five are considered honorable mentions:

2023 Movie Odyssey Award for Best Original Song (FINAL STANDINGS) (playlist)

“Miss Celie's Blues (Sister)”, The Color Purple (1985)

“Suzume”, Suzume (2023, Japan)

“Qu'est-ce qu'on fait de l'amour? (What Do We Do with Love?)”, Ernest & Celestine: A Trip to Gibberitia (2022, France)

“Chattanooga Choo Choo”, Sun Valley Serenade (1941)

“Ciao Papa”, Guillermo del Toro's Pinocchio (2022)

“Hooked on Your Love”, Sparkle (1976)

“I'm Just Ken”, Barbie (2023)

“I Know Why (And So Do You”, Sun Valley Serenade (1941)

“Esse Mundo é Meu”, Esse Mundo é Meu (1964, Brazil)

“Danger Zone”, Top Gun (1986)

“Trời Sáng Rồi, Ta Ngủ Đi Thôi (Good Morning and Good Night)”, Good Morning and Good Night (2019, Vietnam)

“Animal Crackers in My Soup”, Curly Top (1935)

“Tiền”, Good Morning and Good Night(2019, Vietnam)

“Return to Sender”, Girls! Girls! Girls! (1962)

“Barsaat mein hamse mile tum sajan (In the Rainy Season, We Met One Another)”, Barsaat (1949, India)

The bottom five all received honorable mentions. The top ten received nominations.

SUMMARY

"Miss Celie's Blues (Sister)" from The Color Purple (1985) eked out the title in the closest result MOABOS has seen since adopting the single transferable vote in 2018. With forty ballots remaining and on the twelfth and final count, "Miss Celie's Blues" and "Suzume" were actually tied, 20-20. In other words, when you eliminated all the other songs, twenty respondents had "Miss Celie's Blues" ranked higher than "Suzume" and twenty respondents had "Suzume" ranked higher than "Miss Celie's Blues". One person (the discarded ballot) did not rank either - and could have easily swung it had they put one or both of those songs down.

So when the transferred votes are tied, the first tiebreaker is points (as seen in the preliminary round). And from there, "Miss Celie's Blues" edged out "Suzume", 225-223. 

(Hypothetical): If we were somehow tied on points, it would then go to #1 votes. "Miss Celie's Blues" would have won that tiebreaker, 11-4. If #1 votes were somehow tied, it would have gone to the average placement on my ballot and my sister's. We both ranked "Miss Celie's Blues" 3rd for an average placement of 3rd. I ranked "Suzume" in a three-way tie for 13th (effectively rendering it 14th on my ballot) and my sister ranked it 10th - an average placement of 12th.

With the music written by Quincy Jones and Rod Temperton and lyrics by Jones, Temperton and Lionel Richie, "Miss Celie's Blues (Sister)" was nominated at the 58th Academy Awards for Best Original Song, losing to Lionel Richie's "Say You, Say Me" from White Nights (1985); yes Richie lost to himself that night). Steven Spielberg's 1985 adaptation of The Color Purple is based on Alice Walker's book of the same name. Set in rural Georgia, it follows Celie Harris (Whoopi Goldberg in her breakthrough role; Desreta Jackson as young Celie), who suffers of parental and spousal psychological, physical, and sexual abuse. Her light in the world is her sister, Nettie (Akousa Busia), and the two form a world of their own – away from the darkness of their world. It was one of the best books I read in the 2010s, and the film adaptation – despite the limitations of its LGBTQ+ depictions and themes due to American politics and studio politics at the time – was one of the best films I saw in 2023 for the first time ever.

The 1980s becomes the first decade to defend a MOABOS title. But it comes in the form of a song that no one would peg as being written in the 1980s. It comes the blues, a distinctly American musical genre that grew from the spirituals and work songs of black slaves and freedmen in the American South. It is the first song from the blues tradition to win MOABOS.Runner-up "Suzume" is the best-performing anime song ever in MOABOS, eclipsing the title song from My Neighbor Totoro (1988, Japan) 

– which earned 4th place in MOABOS V (2017). Makoto Shinkai, perhaps these days moreso than Hayao Miyazaki, is the most important director in anime film at this moment.

Those who saw our rankings will know that my sister and I were deep outliers here. "Suzume" was tied for 13th on my ballot; 10th on my sister's. For the sizable anime fan faction who are currently sharpening their knives, I would consider yourselves lucky that, even though MOABOS is somewhat modeled on Academy Award processes, it doesn't replicate it entirely. "Suzume" was ineligible for Academy Award consideration because it is the second song in the end credits. Arbitrary as this sounds, only the first song during the end credits are eligible for the Academy Award for Best Original Song, in order to ensure that the category honors songs that significantly contribute to a film itself. No such rule exists for MOABOS.

* * * * * * * * * * *

If MOABOS was truly a popularity contest, then two films that defined their respective years would have won this in a walk – Barbie and Top Gun. In the end, "I'm Just Ken" and "Danger Zone" – the two most visible contenders of the whole bunch – finished a disappointing 7th and 10th. Reading many of your comments, the reasons for their underperformance often had to do directly with the films themselves (whether or not one has seen them).

Elsewhere, no MOABOS entry featuring Glenn Miller and His Orchestra has failed to secure a nomination in the MOABOS Final. "I Know Why (And So Do You)" and "Chattanooga Choo Choo" – the latter one of the most popular songs of its era, an unofficial anthem for Golden Age 20th Century Fox – will be the last appearance for Miller and His Orchestra as they made only two films on their contract and no more. Thanks to Glenn Miller and his mates for wonderful contributions to MOABOS IX (2021) and MOABOS XI.

And hey, I'm just happy fellow Fox contractee Shirley Temple finally made a MOABOS final. Many of you vehemently disagree, but Temple's mark on film and film music history is undeniable. When I started MOABOS a decade ago, the last generation of moviegoers who saw her films in theaters could attest to that. Today, that generation is almost all gone.

Moreso than the other major American studios, 20th Century Fox was one of the least willing studios to make its back catalogue available for home media/streaming/general availability. Following 20th Century Fox's purchase by the Walt Disney Company in 2019, the situation has only gotten worse, as Disney (for all intents and purposes) decides to further bury the Fox library for anything that might not perform well on streaming or isn't franchise-able. But hear it from me: there are still 20th Century Fox musicals from Golden Age Hollywood to come for MOABOS. No one is saying that they have they have the musical mastery of MGM or Warner Bros., but Fox's musicals need to be treasured, too.

Speaking of access, last February, I saw Esse Mundo é Meu at the Academy Museum in LA and found the a capella version of the title song a hopeful, plaintive ode to better days. The print was not in good shape; the Museum had to redo the subtitles themselves. But it was a glimpse into classic Brazilian cinema seldom seen outside of Brazil itself. How lucky I was; and here's hoping that the telling of Latin American film history becomes more than the afterthought it too often is.

Sparkle (1976) is not a great movie. Black audiences in America might disagree furiously with what I just said. But, as someone who grew up with '50s-'70s R&B and soul as a major part of the soundtrack of his childhood, it had to have a place here. Congrats to all those on Sparkle.

A disappointing result for Good Morning and Good Night, failing in both instances to secure a nomination. But we shall see more VFF entries in the future.

Oh yeah, Elvis made a lot of movies. The King will be back again, certainly, in hopes of a second MOABOS title.

I'm glad that many of you liked "Ciao Papa" from Guillermo del Toro's Pinocchio (2022) – the film is on Netflix for those who have it, and it's a beautiful take on the original tale.

Lastly, I was perhaps most heartened how many of you were exposed to Ernest & Celestine for the first time and how much "Qu'est-ce qu'on fait de l'amour?" resonated with many of you. I saw the sequel with my sister last summer in a near-empty theater at a prime weekend timeslot; it was still one of my favorite watches of the year. And as for the original, when it was first shock-nominated for the Academy Award for Best Animated Feature, I must have mentioned it to everyone who would listen. No one I knew outside of my sister saw the film.

Please find Ernest & Celestine (2012) and its 2022 sequel. Both films shatter the fictions that 1) non-English-language animation is inherently more "serious" than English-language animation and 2) a "children's movie" can only best be enjoyed by children. Please seek out and learn more about animated films beyond the major American and Japanese studios.

CONCLUSION

MOABOS is only a small glimpse into the larger 2023 Movie Odyssey. But I hope you enjoyed even this sliver of a look into that moviewatching journey.

Our winner joins these past winners for MOABOS (winners' playlist):

2012 (Special): To be contested

2013 (I): “The Gold Diggers’ Song (We’re In the Money)”, Gold Diggers of 1933 (1933)

2014 (II): “Rainbow Connection”, The Muppet Movie (1979)

2015 (III): “Amhrán Na Farraige (Song of the Sea)”, Song of the Sea (2014)

2016 (IV): “Stayin’ Alive”, Saturday Night Fever (1977)

2017 (V): “Remember Me (Recuérdame)”, Coco (2017)

2018 (VI): “Love Is a Many-Splendored Thing”, Love Is a Many-Splendored Thing (1955)

2019 (VII): “I Wish I Didn't Love You So”, The Perils of Pauline (1947)

2020 (VIII): “Can't Help Falling in Love” , Blue Hawaii (1961)

2021 (IX): “Lullaby in Ragtime”, The Five Pennies (1959)

2022 (X): “9 to 5”, Nine to Five (1980)

2013 final 2014 final (input from family and friends began this year) 2015 final 2016 prelim / final 2017 prelim / final 2018 prelim / final 2019 prelim / final 2020 prelim / final 2021 prelim / final 2022 prelim / final 2023 prelim

Every time MOABOS comes to an end, I never know whether or not we are going to do MOABOS for the new year. I never know what movies I will discover come my way during a calendar year (and which ones have original songs in them to be a part of this). So it is my hope that I will see you again next year, for what might make it a dozen editions of the Movie Odyssey Award for Best Original Song. For the final time for MOABOS XI, thank you so much for participating!

41 ballots were submitted; twenty-one #1 votes and transferred votes needed to win

2ND COUNT: 1 ballot to "Qu'est ce qu'on fait de l'amour"

3RD COUNT: 1 ballot to "Suzume"

4TH COUNT: 1 ballot to "I Know Why (And So Do You)"

5TH COUNT: 1 ballot to "Ciao Papa"

6TH COUNT: 2 ballots to "Chattanooga Choo Choo", 1 ballot to "Hooked on Your Love"

7TH COUNT: 3 ballots to "Suzume"

8TH COUNT: 2 ballots to "Chattanooga Choo Choo", 1 ballot to "Ciao Papa", 1 ballot to Miss Celie's Blues"

9TH COUNT: 3 ballots to "Suzume", 1 ballot to "Chattanooga Choo Choo", 1 ballot to "Miss CElie's Blues", 1 ballot to "Qu'est-ce qu'on fait de l'amour?"

10TH COUNT: 4 ballots to "Miss Celie's Blues", 1 ballot to "Qu'est-ce qu'on fait de l'amour?", 1 ballot to "Suzume"

1 ballot was DISCARDED on the 10th count; 40 ballots remain; 21 to win

11TH COUNT: 8 ballots to "Suzume", 3 ballots to "Miss Celie's Blues"

12TH COUNT: "Miss Celie's Blues (Sister)" 20, "Suzume" 20. "Miss Celie's Blues (Sister)" wins on the first tiebreaker on points, 225-223.

#2023 Movie Odyssey Awards #Movie Odyssey Awards #MOABOS #Movie Odyssey Award for Best Original Song

[melodygatesauthor]

Weekly Update

09/17/2023 (Yeah I'm a day late, so what, wanna fight about it?)

Announcements/Reminders

Just a little reminder that I've slowed down production as far as writing goes. I'm still writing daily. Sometimes it's a sentence, sometimes it's 3k words, but I'm trying to be kinder to myself and remember that it's a hobby, not a job. I also really want to start my novel and stop pressuring myself to finish fics FIRST so I'm doing that.

Updates will still be happening for all my WIPS - see a comprehensive list of my current WIPs here - but I'm just not pressuring myself by setting deadlines. Thank you for still being supportive <3

ART ANNOUNCEMENTS

I'm taking art commissions! - Pricing - Follow my art blog: @melodymakesart

I did my first full color NSFW drawing! It can be seen HERE. It's a series, so there will be two more drawings coming out over the next couple weeks!

Fic Updates

So after taking last week off from working on my WIPs all together - (Note: I spent the week working on a Basil fic and also working on my Duke Leto fic) - I'm feeling a bit more refreshed and ready to get back into working on them again.

Fic Updates

Disclaimer - I never know which way the winds of inspiration will blow. Timeframes aren’t a promise/guarantee, they’re a goal.

Fic Updates Legend:

Blue - Update this week

Pink - Update in progress

Red - Backburner Fic (not currently working on. See WIP list for status)

You can find my current WIP list here

Chaptered Fic Updates

Always Yours, Never Mine - Chapter 4 is in progress, hoping to have the next update out either next week or the week after!

The Fractured Moon - Chapter 4 is in progress for this one as well. I'm not going to promise an update for next week but I'm actively working on it.

Mini-series Updates

Feeling You Can’t Fight - Okay, I've been putting off editing this one for so long and idk why but I'm going to get it done and posted on Wednesday 09/20/2023 this week!

Worth the Risk - That's right, babygirl is making her way back into my scope. You guys voted on this poll to give me an idea of what you wanted me to work on (not including TFM and AYNM) so I put this back in my field of view since you all seemed to want it so bad!

Remember to look at my WIP list for other backburner fics - There are many not included above lol).

AI Character Bot Updates

I currently have the following bots on my list that I’m working on. If you have any suggestions or additions you’d like, please feel free to ask! I won’t make every single one I get asked for but I’ll make some of them as I get time!

DBF Jake and Steven (I already did Marc...did I ever post him? I thought I did but maybe not)

Patient Steven and Marc

Moon Knight Rescue scenario

Am I missing any? Don't see one on the list that you want to add? Send me an inbox or private message! No promises, but if I like the idea I'll make an AI bot.

Note: Yes it's taking me forever to make them SHUT UP

I think that's all for now! Much love!

Don't forget to follow my other blogs:

@melodymakesart - My art blog

@lockandkeynovel - The blog for my original fiction novel, Lock & Key

@melodyreadsfanfiction - The blog where I reblog works I intend to read, a good place for fanfic readers to follow!

@melodygatesupdates - This is where I'll reblog any chapter updates for my fics and whatnot. This is what I use instead of a tag list!

#melody gates weekly updates #melody talks #melodys weekly updates #miguel o'hara #across the spiderverse #marc spector #steven grant #moon knight #jake lockley