#Donna M

[religion-is-a-mental-illness]

Editor’s note: This hypothetically open letter was originally posted by its anonymous author on Medium and was rapidly removed as “hate speech.” We found it to be a refreshing dose of honesty, a charming and relatable open letter from one parent to other parents (not to the child, obviously!) about dealing with a challenging and dangerous moment in raising children, especially “weird” adolescents who search for their identities harder than others and risk making life-damaging mistakes in a way never before possible. We are reposting it here on New Discourses with the permission of the author.

--

By: Donna M.

Published: Mar 5, 2021

My dear, sweet, son,

I’ve got to break it to you: you’re not trans, you’re just weird.

This seems like a cruel thing to point out right now. Clearly, you are struggling and feeling pretty awful about things. I can see that you are in a rough patch, and one of the first rules of parenting is to not pile on. The world is pretty heavy on your shoulders. You’re fifteen. There’s a pandemic going on. But here I come anyway. I’m about to throw more on you.

When you were two ­– a happy, chubby, little tyke in pull-ups, you watched the world with wary eyes behind the thumb in your mouth. You leapt with joy in the rhythm of the toddle music classes. You chattered and shared stories about your stuffed animals. You loved your little sister. Enjoyed cookies and finger painting. That was all pretty normal.

But you also started to count to one thousand on our walks. And you started to call out the store names as we drove around. And you preferred reading books rather than playing with the other two-year-olds at preschool. And you hated sitting in the circle when instructed. And you hated the feel of blue jeans. And you threw big tantrums when you lost any kind of game. In other words, you started to show signs that you were… weird.

The grandparents were the first to notice. They said gentle things like “You oughta keep an eye on that one,” and sent us links to Wall Street Journal articles about child prodigies. And then the other parents in the play groups started to comment; “He’s pretty intense, huh?” And the teachers were on to it pretty quickly. They started to use fancy terms like “asynchronous development.”

By third grade, we realized you were different, but we still didn’t realize you were weird. Truthfully, we’re used to people like you. Our family is full of engineers, artists, musicians, computer programmers, and a lot of “free-thinkers.” Family gatherings always have chess, political debates, and quartets around the piano. That’s just us.

And besides, you had a small but solid group of friends. There was Pokémon, then Minecraft, then Magic, then Dungeons and Dragons, then Catan. You were never in the center of things, but you weren’t alone.

But then, in middle school, things started to change. By 7th grade, school finally started to require some effort, and it turned out you were pretty disorganized. People kept calling you smart, but the teachers were annoyed at your humor, and frustrated that you wouldn’t or couldn’t follow the guidelines for assignments. Classmates didn’t appreciate your frank (if accurate) descriptions of their efforts. I’ll admit, we got pretty frustrated with you, too.

And then puberty arrived, with its triple curse of acne, braces, and bizarre growth. The girls appeared to have it all together (I know they don’t, but they do appear that way). And the popular boys seemed to know exactly what to do. They can talk sports to each other, they brag about their romantic exploits. They never get in trouble for stupid reasons like forgetting an assignment three times in a row. Your anxiety started to kick in, and it seemed like you got smaller. And some of your guy friends moved on.

So you drifted over to the weird-o crowd. Well — I’m not sure what you call yourselves, but that’s what we would have called you back when I was in school. At different schools these are the geeks, or the theater kids, the math team kids, or the artsy-fartsy kids. This used to be where the gay kids ended up, but I think they’re more dispersed now. You get some kids whose parents are going through some rough times. Some girls with anorexia. A few boys who are edgy and angry. Kids with a great sense of humor and big hearts.

And some of these kids are really passionate. Just full of righteous anger about the injustices of the world. And some of them are dramatic. And truthfully, that looks pretty attractive to you. Because you share some of that confusion and anger about the world. And though you may not be sure what you think or what you feel, you are certain you don’t want to be on the bad side. You certainly aren’t like those popular boys with their suave charm and dominating manners. You’re not like them at all.

You’re actually more like those vibrant girls who can speak for hours about their ideas. Well, you would be if you could find the words to speak. And there is something so fascinating about those girls, but you can’t quite put your finger on it. You’d never think about talking to those girls anyway, because that’d be weird. Because you are weird. You’ve never been good at chit-chat, or eye contact. Or girls. And besides, you wouldn’t want them to get the wrong impression. You understand that your peers are starting to date, but you really don’t see the point. Sex is still gross and weird to you. It’s better to just call yourself “asexual” or “pansexual.” It’s like a get-out-of-jail-free card that helps you avoid the whole mess. And your group of friends tell you that you are super cool and brave for being able to say that about yourself.

But you’ve fallen into a funk. Anyone can see that. But computer games help. And there’s always trying to beat the speed record for that one game you’re kinda good at. And that one guy on reddit always has good tricks. And the people on that message board seem to get your humor.

So when one of them posts a meme about trans rights, it makes sense that you’d check it out. You’re curious! You’re a free thinker! You’re not like the normies. And the web quiz hits home. You do feel discomfort with your body. You don’t like sports. You do wonder what it would be like to be a girl. You’ve always felt like something was different about you.

You’re right. There is something different about you.

But you’re not trans, you’re just weird.

So we’re right here for you. We’ll always be here for you. But those online folks who urge you to “crack your trans egg” and rush to hormones and surgeries don’t know you at all. They don’t know that gifted kids and ADHD kids and Autism kids and Asperger’s kids are slower to develop emotionally and sexually. They don’t know that sexuality takes time and experience to figure out, and that the majority of trans teens seeking medical treatment haven’t even masturbated or kissed someone yet. They don’t know that 80% of trans children end up becoming comfortable with their birth sex if you just give them time. They don’t know that there are increasing numbers of desisting and de-transitioning people in their twenties. They don’t realize that hormones permanently stunt your growth, decrease your IQ, and can cause sterility. They don’t know that these hormones are prescribed off-label and there’s no research on the long-term outcomes. They don’t even know that the most recent research shows that short-term outcomes are clearly worse.

They don’t realize that you’re weird. But I do. You’re weird, kiddo. You’ll figure that out in a year or two. But that’s okay. We are all weird. And I love you anyway. You’re going to be just fine.

==

You always hear stories and justifications like, "she never liked wearing a dress," or "he always hated having his hair cut." This is post-hoc confirmation bias. Not only does this confirm everything critics say about this being a movement based on gross stereotypes, but they always leave out things like, "she refused to eat anything yellow," and "he was obsessed with elevator and crossing buttons and would cry if he wasn't the one to light it up."

It's okay to be weird.

#Donna M #gender identity #gender ideology #queer theory #genderwang #trans egg #it's okay to be weird #it's ok to be weird #normalize weird #religion is a mental illness

[deadringers2023]

DONNA SUMMER American Bandstand Interview (1976)

#donna summer #donnasummeredit #pocedit #dailywoc #dailywomen #dailymusicians #dailypoc #userzonez #nerd4music #userwocs #userpcultures #m!lfsource #usertj #userraffa #omgari #tusermimi #she's just too beautiful sigh.. #* #*gifs #musicians

[brixuth]

Then the whole thing would fracture. The two universes will collapse.

So?

#doctor who #dwedit #dwgif #tenrose #ten x rose #ten x donna #gifs #m #* #i'm suffering

[genterie]

@linaluvsbooks on instagram

#linaluvsbooks #books #the secret history #donna tartt #mona awad #all's well #isaac bashevis singer #the pentent #mieko kawakami #breasts and eggs #elif batuman #the idiot #just kids #patti smith #if we were villains #m. l. rio

[dailyhatsune]

miraidon!

#hatsune miku #vocaloid #piapro studio #doodle #project voltage #mirai donna darou #ミライどんなだろう #mitchie m #song dropped the moment my class started so i haven’t listened to it yet #later though; i will #edit: finally listened to the song and it’s basically that one meme image with rowlet and groudon i love it

[may8chan]

Shibari & Photo R•M•Z Model Élisa Donna

#R•M•Z #Élisa Donna

[utterlyconfusedacademia]

Me adding a new dark academia book to my overflowing (and mostly unread) collection:

#dark academia #dark acadamia aesthetic #donna tartt #the secret history #christopher j yates #black chalk #if we were villains #m l rio #ninth house #leigh bardugo #the atlas six #the atlas paradox #olivie blake #the maidens #alex michaelides #catherine house #my dark vanessa #a little life #hanya yanigahara #gay books #books #quotes #love #reading

[remyfire]

The illustrious flower girl~

#i do not want to talk about it first of all and second of all— #margaret houlihan #donna marie parker #donna parker #bj hunnicutt #m*a*s*h #mashposting #mashblogging #s8e9 #mr and mrs who

[armorangels]

EVERYONE STAY THE FUCK AWAY FROM CAMILLA OH MY GOD

#about. #m reads the secret history. #jesus fucking christ #anyway i’m almost done #the secret history #donna tartt #camilla macaulay #richard papen #charles macaulay #henry winter #francis abernathy #booklr

[mothprincess]

my assassin playlist! it needs a better name but whatever, lol. loved doing this concept. from my recent poll 💣💒🎸

#my playlists #fiona apple #bikini kill #no doubt #abba #boney m #donna summer #miley cyrus #joan jett #nancy sinatra

[poetic-gays]

dark academia books as penguin classics

@olivieblake

#book #books #bookblr #readers of tumblr #reader #book tumblr #the starless sea #starless sea #erin morgenstern #m l rio #if we were villains #iwwv #the secret history #secret history #tsh #donna tartt #the atlas six #ta6 #olivie blake #darkacademism #darkacademia #dark academia books #dark academia aesthetic

[aq2003]

ten is like oohhhh i will always have to come to terms with how everyone that i love will leave me behind (bc i'm a near immortal alien) and how they will always find someone else more important than me (bc i'm a near immortal alien) and i have trouble holding onto my connections with them bc the way i love them isn't enough/isn't the right kind of love for them (bc i'm a near immortal alien) and then he dies in 6 years so his storyline is like a metaphor for being aroace instead

#that bit from that big finish audio drama where he's like 'how DO you people fall in love so easily' angsting abt donna leaving him. #HIM. AROACE. good night #obviously i am skipping over details but the existence of john smith and tentoo on top of this makes this funnier #tenth doctor #dr who #aspec doc tag #every day i'm haunted by m*ffat saying the idea of [sherlock] being ace is 'boring' Brother you worked on doctor who. #10 era

[blue-ravens]

#when you ship two rarepairs you may as well let them all hold hands about it and just live deliciously #mash 4077 #m*a*s*h #blue's post #hawkeye and pierce #charles emerson winchester iii #donna marie parker #ot3: blueberry french toast #scientists politely remind fandom renewable polyamory technology is ready to go whenever #mash #charlie memerson

[shakesqueers13]

Working introduction to a thesis I'm trying to write about women in Dark Academia—got the idea while watching Saltburn, the main idea is that the emerging genre conventions of Dark Academia are inherently misogynistic, and that women are sidelined to prioritize gay male relationships which are seen as superior because there are no women involved. Women are cast as annoying and suffer in the narrative to uplift men. I'm interested to hear people's thoughts about this.

Rough draft of intro:

How can the emerging sub-genre of Dark Academia Fiction (né, the Campus Novel) be unilaterally categorized? A surface level glance at the leading titles in the genre would return repeated motifs of ivy, picturesque college architecture, and a consumer base largely composed of queer college students. A 2023 anthology entitled, “In These Hallowed Halls” attempted to directly market to this fanbase, promising “A Dark Academia Anthology” but was largely rebuked, with a review by one Advanced Reader stating the collection was “Not a dark academia anthology,” but rather, “a collection of mysteries that each have some vague connection to college.” (Goodreads, Samantha, @ladybug.books). So what does qualify as Dark Academia? In reality, the conventions of the genre are incredibly clear—a white, male protagonist, usually coming from some sort of disadvantaged circumstances, comes to university to study an obscurely niche (usually archaic) topic, and falls in with a bad crowd; many years later, he recounts these unfortunate circumstances with an omnipresent tinge of melancholy and regret. Without fail, the protagonist is provided with another white, male companion who is so attractive, loyal, and desirable, readers soon begin to wonder when the two will kiss. Counterpart to this male companion is the ubiquitous, “Femme fatale,” described directly as such on page fourteen of M. L. Rio’s 2017 novel, “If We Were Villains.” This female character serves as a foil to the male counterpart, unfailingly getting in the way of his homoerotic relationship with his close friend—this girl is sexually deviant in some way, portrayed as utterly irresistible, often red haired, and by the end of the novel, she is either killed or cast aside into some unfortunate circumstance that the protagonist will try and fail to get her out of. These female characters, while archetypal, are nearly always written by female authors. The emergence of the “sexually-incontinent” —as described in Emerald Fennell’s 2023 film, Saltburn— female character in Dark Academia exists because the genre, while dominated by female authors and readers, cannot find a place for women in the true heart of academia. Instead, for female characters to exist within a male-dominated story, they must serve the role of an annoying distraction from the male protagonist’s true desire, another man, one who truly understands him and his academic pursuits.

#dark academia #academia #if we were villains #the secret history #the goldfinch #saltburn #dark academia aesthetic #donna tartt #m l rio #iwwv

[yullsmb]

girls be like «he's my babygirl» and he's either a murderer or a psychopath

#if we were villains #academia #dark academia #chaotic academia #bookaddict #bookaholic #donna tartt #the secret history #henry winter #james farrow #m. l. rio

[villanevedenier]

Donna tartt - Clarence House 26.03.2024

#donna tartt #tsh #her being the only person in the room holding a glass of champagne in ANY of the pics ive seen iconique #anyway thank you to the *checks notes* queen camilla fanpage who alerted me to this #the secret history #the goldfinch #tgf #the little friend #tlf #if i call her the m word will you all hit me with rocks