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lololol

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null // 6.4.17

click it (do not remove artist’s caption)

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i feel like throwing up

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am i making all this up?

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Are you losing interest in me 

Are you losing interest in me 

Are you losing interest in me 

Are you losing interest in me 

Are you losing interest in me 

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i did something wrong?

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Midnight Snack

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vent

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my neighbor and i fucked

and i’ve been having an episode ever since

#not me fucking my friend neighbor who is a man #i’m such an idiot

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I still miss people who weren't good for me

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90s anime aesthetic 

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vent: moving back to ny

as for moving back to ny:

c for sure plays a bit into some of my thoughts, however i refuse to move for someone like that when i’m not even in a committed relationship with them.

it’s really a mix of things. i got my bachelors in may, which was the only reason i really didn’t consider going anywhere else for the past few years bc i really wanted to stick it out and finish college. now that i have that i can pretty much go anywhere.

i can’t stay here on the off chance that my friends decide not to move too. i don’t even know what cali is doing since i never see her but she could definitely move at any time. eli wants to move to another town and once they score a teaching job will definitely have to move anyways. they actually are thinking of moving to ny too which is cool. tabby is staying in boone and has sutton and i don’t want to leave her but i have to think abt my future 😭 the rent here is insane, legit i could pay what i am paying now for my place in upstate ny and have a super nice apartment rather this old and outdated building.

c offered to move in but i put up a solid boundary that i don’t want to live with someone unless i’m in love and dating that person to which she accepted that and didn’t pressure me or say anything weird. i really am giving it til next week to see if our changing relationship goes anywhere. but i am certainly not moving in with her unless we’re in a relationship. last night i was info dumping over a discord call about my favorite fanfic love trope (slowburn idiots/idiot friends to lovers) and she said “have you ever considered that we might be in that trope currently?” all coy and shit 😳 so i definitely have some confirmation that she wants to take this much slower. i’m hoping that in person has more clarifying communication and that expectations are made clear. i tend to jump the gun in matters of love so it’s definitely a change in my habits to embark on this. even with ally we starting dating ldr quickly after confirming we mutually liked each other. oof.

another main motivator is honestly the state and its laws. “don’t say gay” and a bunch of others recently got passed and it’s starting to feel unsafe. there are ofc a ton of queer ppl in the south but it’s getting really scary and extremists are getting more comfortable exhibiting their behavior in public spaces. things like abortion access are also becoming unavailable and things are changing in a dystopian way on top of the cost of living too.

weed is illegal here and we don’t even have medical use. the job market sucks and the minimum wage is 7.25. if i can get the job in NY i would also finally have good health insurance and it would be a lot easier to survive bc my medication cost is insane rn. new york is definitely expensive but once i have a job with an established flow of money i’ll be able to live in a moderately nice apartment. my dad offered to let me crash at his place while i wait for that to happen.

another is ofc friends and family. i deeply cherish my grandparents and they aren’t getting any younger 🙁 my nan also lives alone and i want to be there for her as much as possible. i might start trying to stay with her over some weekends or days i have off bc she has my catholic racist uncle and my mom as her main contacts so i think i’m required to hold down her sanity. also i know she gets really lonely. my other grandparents, i also want to see more. i’m thinking of seeing if i can join my grandmas book club or sewing club again.

and then ofc aja, maria, and deirdre. deers is in boston but that is a heck of a lot closer to upstate ny than north carolina. maria is still between bspa and the city. id also be able to see my cousin jake a ton more along with alena potentially moving closer to her og town.

idk if i want to stay in ny forever, i can always save up over time if i want to move far away again. the state job would hopefully let me save for grad school and after a year or two i can take a sabbatical to do the JET program and come back home to an actual stable job which would be great. idk if i’ll go to grad school in ny but i’d eventually like to end up (potentially) in syracuse.

cons of ny:

for sure the cost of living is high, however where i live now is insane and even a bit more expensive tbh.

i wouldn’t see my brother or mom or stepdad as often. (i rarely see them now tbh so i would definitely fly into charlotte airport whenever possible/air fare prices are low so i can hang with my brother). i wanted to stay in nc longer for the sake of my brother but i can’t keep putting my own happiness on the line when i’m barely home enough in the first place.

ofc my friends and how much i’d miss them

i go to so many concerts in nc it’s insane and i’ve noticed how inaccesible that was to me in ny. jake lives near philly tho so i’ve considered just going to a lot of concerts with him and crashing at his place a lot. he wants to move to the west coast eventually so that would suck but it still would be nice to see him more anyways.

i really love appalachia. the ability to drive 15-20 minutes to look at a literal mountainscape whenever i’m sad is truly a unique experience. it’s definitely my third space. so that will suck to lose. but i’ll be able to go up to the camp basically whenever i want so i feel like that’s a good deal.

i genuinely love some parts of nc so it does suck.

i’ve also never existed as an adult in ny, since i moved to nc immediately after graduating high school. so i’m honestly a bit terrified since to me what i once called home is like a foreign place to me now. which is kind of why i’m attracted to syracuse in a sense too, since i’ve actually never been there and i really like how lgbt friendly and progressive the city is. also the rent is cheaper than boone which is kind of hilarious. it all depends on where my state job ends up but i’ve also considered seeing if i could work for the university.

it’s a tough decision but it’s really feeling like the pros outweigh the cons.

#vent #ny