#ADULT.

[trans-axolotl]

content note: discussion of suicide.

this next monday will be the six year anniversary of losing one of my friends to suicide.

when he died, my high school barely mentioned his death, even though for other students who died by things like car crashes or illness, there were so many public expressions of grief. they believed that having any memorials for a student who died by suicide would encourage other people to die the same way. in their rush to erase the circumstances of his death, they erased the memory of his life.

there are so many things i am angry at that high school about in terms of how they treated mental health (mandatory reporting and collaborating with cops, their refusal to recognize the ways in which that system led to peer-to-peer crisis support, their refusal to recognize the ways that trying to keep each other alive through trial and error was scary and exhausting, carceral disciplinary policies, etc etc etc). but i think one of the things i am still angriest about is the way they enforced shame around his death. it felt like they were retroactively blaming him for the constellation of circumstances that made suicide an option in his life. it felt like they were blaming those of us who missed him and cared about him and wanted to grieve him. it made those of us still there who were actively suicidal feel even more scared about the reaction if we did reach out for help from one of those mythical safe adults.

as an adult now involved in psych abolition/mad liberation work, it makes me so fucking mad to see the ways in which he was discarded by people in authority positions. and the older i get, the more options i have found in my life for making sense of the world and finding healing and community and support which were never available to him because he died when he was 16 and the only things offered to him were a carceral psychiatric system that blamed him for his own fucking death. it feels so incredibly unfair.

i miss him and i think i always will; i can't remember his laugh or the sound of his voice or his favorite color any more and that aches. this grief is so heavy and it feels harder in a new way each year, when i become older than he will ever be. sometimes meeting new comrades or seeing new anticarceral suicide support models hurts because i wish so fucking bad that we had that back then. i remember how close we came to losing even more people that year and i know it is simple fucking luck that i'm still here when he's not.

i remember another letter (never sent) that i wrote to a friend while they were in an ICU bed after a suicide attempt when i didn't know if they would live or not. i have spent so much time in the past 10 years begging for anything to keep me and my friends alive, but even in that letter i knew that there is so much fucking violence that is hidden beneath psychiatric logics of cure and safety that promise a "solution" to suicide. I knew that institutionalization, coercion, and shame would not have helped build a life more liveable for him or **** or any of the people i've loved and lost since.

there needs to be more fucking options for care and support that aren't so incredibly cruel to suicidal people. i know so many people doing incredible work in alternatives, peer respite, a million different frameworks for healing and liberation. but it makes me so mad every day i have to live in a world where there are still people restrained, locked up in psych wards, having all autonomy and personhood taken away from them. knowing there are dozens of people every day getting blamed for their deaths the same way he was blamed for his.

i miss him. i cared so fucking much for him. and he died by suicide, and all of those things are true. he has been dead for 6 years and he lived before that and the people who loved him want to remember all of him; our celebrations of his life should not require hiding the way that he died.

Image description: [1000 origami cranes in all different colors and patterns that are tied together in strings of 25]

(these were the 1000 cranes we made to give to his parents, in memorial and recognition of how much he meant to us.)

#personal #suicide tw #suicide mention tw #psych abuse tw #psych ward tw #ok to reblog if u want #psych abolition #mad liberation #psych survivor #it's a lot of grief hours over here and will be for a while all week i think #lots of grief so many ways this year for so many people #but this week. his memory . my grief for him #is hitting especially hard. i think partially because of all the transitions in my life. i'm graduating college. he will never become an ad #adult. #i think i might ask my roommates if they will go do something to remember him with me. maybe making origami cranes and sending them off in #the river. or writing things down and burning them #idk. grief is hard #six years in grief is different. but hard

[bettertwin9000]

DONNIEEE!! It's Angelo from madmutts!! I want you to know that I'm proud of you! You're very smart and your brothers love you 💕💞💓💘🧡💓 You're gonna do great things, I just know it!

HOLY SHITMD

Fuck

Inmean

Yes

Thankyiuohgeez.

#im normal im normal im normal im notmal im normal im #GOD #WHY IS THIS SO. #PLease #ado #hHURNNG #praise from... from a #parent aged. #adult. #holyfuck #holyctap #ultimate fav #fav #ohnygof #you sound #like #d #a #a da #oh gof #rottmnt #rottmnt donnie #rise of the teenage mutant ninja turtles #rise donnie #unpause rise of the tmnt #rise of the tmnt #rottmnt leo #rise leo #disaster twins #save rise of the tmnt

[omegaremix]

Omega Radio for February 24, 2018; #155.

Boy Harsher “Pain”

Hante. “The Storm”

Contrepoison “Heartbeat”

Led Er Est “Scissors”

Molly Nilsson “I Hope You Die”

Sanne De Neige “Dans La Foret”

KVB, The “Always Then”

Princess Century “Crummy Bones”

Natural Assembly “Life Blossoms”

Sextile “One Of These”

Soft Moon, The “Burn”

Adult. “Dance Avoid”

Grun Wasser “The Deep”

Believer/Law “Ashes”

Military Position “Babes Ov Babylon”

Drvg Cvltvre “Waging A War Against God”

Goth-Trad “Air Breaker”

Actress “Dancing In The Smoke”

Johnny Jewel “The Hacker”

Peaches “Convincing People”

Prayers “Edge Of The Blade”

Dilly Dally “Desire” (Crim3s RMX)

Grimes “Genesis” (Blvck Ceiling RMX)

Algiers “Death March” (Prurient RMX)

Rrose “Surgeon General (Her Insides Laid Bare)”

Deluxe all-darkness set.

#omega #music #playlists #mixtapes #synthwave #industrial #minimal #synthpop #Boy Harsher #Hante. #Molly Nilsson #KVB #Sextile #Soft Moon #Adult. #Military Position #Actress #Johnny Jewel #Peaches #Algiers #Prurient

[taylorrpark]

@youlittleduckhouse tagged me to post four albums i’ve been listening to recently!

deftones, white pony

adult., anxiety always

king krule, man alive!

ciccone youth, the whitey album

tagging @belial-piety @orange-calx @sufferinproxy , if u want to

#deftones #white pony #adult. #anxiety always #king krule #man alive! #ciccone youth #sonic youth #the whitey album

[burymeinanal0g]

p o s t i n g t h i s h e r e s i n c e i t s e e m s n o b o d y e l s e h a s .

#ADULT. #ADULTperiod #Adult.band #adult. band #Hand to phone #Song #music #electric body music #electronic #liminalcore #officecore #Spotify

[videoacolyte]

❛  come on, talk to me, please. i can hear it in your voice that something is wrong.  ❜ ; @perfectionreached

Sometimes they hate how well Tai knows them. Just by the change in the way a specific word is pronounced. Van can tell every emotion crossing Tai's face just by the way her eyes change. The eyes show everything, the window to the soul. A dark void behind the eyes. The cinematic KUBRICK STARE. A deep nothingness. What they felt out there, following their every moment since then. Van always thought they were free now, lying to themselves in every way. Working in a relic, tied to a past they can't forget. Grasping at any way to keep the past alive so no one can repeat any atrocities. That's a good reason to save even the bad movies, to keep someone from making all the same mistakes. Then again, even awful film can garner a CULT-LIKE following. "You came here to talk about you, Taissa. Do you think my voice is supposed to sound normal? Of course something is wrong!" They wave their arms, exasperated. It used to be thrilling how all encompassing Taissa Turner could be. Van could forget themselves, forget anything just looking at her. Now they're just tired.

#adult. #post-crash. #perfectionreached

[youngtough]

New Objects

#adult. #music #listen

[dagwolf]

Spinning: Adult. Anxiety Always. 2003.

#adult. #dagsounds

[linksvorne]

4. ADULT.. 2022-03-25 @ Chelsea (w/ Plack Blague)

#adult. #nicola kuperus #adam lee miller #dance punk #electroclash #ebm #chelsea vienna #liccht #linksvorne

[nugothrhythms]

Adult. performing in Los Angeles

#gothgoth #darkwave #post punk #nu goth #Adult. #Adult band #live music #Adult Period #Adult. band #2022

[septemberkisses]

the fact that i'm no longer the same age as the protagonists of novels and films i once connected to is so heartbreaking. there was a time when I looked forward to turning their age. i did. and i also outgrew them. i continue to age, but they don't; never will. the immortality of fiction is beautiful, but cruel.

#was rereading the hunger games series when this thought hit me like a truck #it beautiful #its haunting #its heartbreaking #its melancholic #quotes #dark academia #books and reading #books & libraries #books #young adult #ya books #young adult books #movies #coming of age #the hunger games #the divergent series #the maze runner #the fault in our stars #musings #midnight musings #thoughts #mine

[bodhimcbodeface]

I really think they need to start teaching kids in schools that most blind people can see a little bit, most deaf people can hear a little bit, and most wheelchair users can walk a little bit. And they are still disabled.

#I’ve tried explaining this to kids before and they’re always surprised #sometimes adults too!!

[onlysexygirls13]

#tozzyn13 #sexy content #18+ blog #18+ only #girl butts #onlyf@nz #+18 or +adult only #18+ content #big titis #sexy titts #tumblr girls #beauttiful girls #photo sexy #sexy pose #que belleza!!

[lesbianralzarek]

"life doesnt get better, you just get stronger" does NOT include ages 11-17. life does in fact just get better from there. those years are dogshit. like, you do get stronger but its mostly just a factor of not being 11-17 anymore. positive thinking helps but it doesnt fix whatevers going on at 15, you have to brute force through that one raw

#i originally posted this as just a 'hey remember how fuckin bad middle/highschool was? shit was wild' type post but now #there are a bunch of teens in the notes being like 'oh my god are you serious? it gets better? im not stuck in hell forever??' #and im reminded that the only people who told teenage ella 'it gets better' were speakers at mental health assemblies #aka the least relatable people alive who were seemingly born to lie to you #so. uh. yeah im a certified adult who isnt here to lie or sugarcoat the realities of being a teenager #the only thing more certain than the pain is the transcience

[hiimcerys-blog]

#curvy #thick babe #thick and juicy #onlyf@nz #18+ content #sexy content #sexy tease #18+ only #sexy breast #sexy titts #huge tiddies #huge titts #huge bewbs #onlytease #adult model #onlyfrenz

[powdermelonkeg]

Important rules/tips I've learned as an adult that helped with anxiety

If people are mad at you, it's their responsibility to tell you, not your responsibility to guess

If they're mad at you in secret anyways, they're the ones in the wrong, not you

If people don't like what you're doing, it's their responsibility to tell you

If they say it's fine when it's really not, they're the ones in the wrong, not you

People are allowed to be wrong about you

If they are wrong about you, wait for them to bring it up, because if you try to, you will inevitably overcorrect

Some people are committed to misunderstanding you. You will not win arguments against them. Yes, even if you explain your point of view. They do not care. Drop it

The worst thing that will happen from a first-time offense is being told not to do it again. Maybe with a replacement if you broke something

You can improve relationships and gauge willingness to talk to you by giving compliments. It's like a daily log-in bonus and nobody thinks twice about it

Most things are better after you sleep on them

Most things are better after you have a meal

Most things are better after you shower

Your brain makes up consequences that are irrational. If the worst DOES come to pass and someone acts like they do in your head, they are overreacting, and you are entitled to say "what the fuck"

If your chest hurts after you feel like you've made a social error, that's called rejection-sensitive dysphoria. It means your anxiety is so bad that it's causing you physical pain, which is a good indicator that you're overreacting. Tense yourself, hold it for 20 seconds, let it go, then find a distraction

If you're suddenly angry at someone after you feel like you made a social error, that's also rejection-sensitive dysphoria. You are going to feel annoyed about it for awhile, but being genuinely pissed off is your anxiety trying to find something to blame to take the responsibility off your shoulders, and getting scared because it can't justify itself. Deep breaths, ask yourself how much you ACTUALLY want to be angry at that person, then find a distraction

"Sour grapes" is more healthy for you than stewing. Deciding you don't like someone who's perpetually annoyed with you, won't talk to you, etc. makes letting go of anxiety over them easier

If people don't like you, they will find reasons to be annoyed with you when they otherwise wouldn't. If people do like you, they will find reasons NOT to be annoyed with you when they otherwise would. People do not ping-pong between the two

You DO have to make a conscious choice not to think about something. If you're having trouble circling back to it, say out loud that you're done thinking about it and why. Then find a distraction

When you're upset, part of you is going to want to make false bids for attention (suddenly texting differently, heavy sighs, etc. but when someone asks you about it, you tell them it's nothing). Do not listen to it. You gain nothing from it except more misery

People like to help people they care about. It makes them feel good about themselves

If you think you're insufferable for needing help, see above. Yes, really. They get a serotonin kick from it

If you think you're insufferable for mannerisms you have, you either have to consciously choose not to do them, or accept that they're part of the package that comes with you. Being apologetic about existing does nothing except make you more miserable

If you do things you don't like when you feel meh about it, it makes it easier to do them when you hate it

If you avoid things you don't like when you feel meh about it, it reinforces and magnifies how bad it feels when you hate it

Seriously. Read those last two points again. If you can make yourself make a phone call when you've got nothing to lose, you will slowly lose that panic you get when you have to make a phone call you haven't prepared for. You do have to CONSCIOUSLY take that step

Hobbies that make you care for something get rid of that nagging feeling that you're not doing enough. Go grow some rosemary

If you don't engage with your hobbies regularly, you will feel miserable, and anxiety will spike

Hobbies are things that give you a bit of happiness. They do not have to be organized or named to do that. Go be creative in something. Play with coins. Make up lists. Start a new WIP

No one cares what you look like

If people point out things they don't like about how you look unprompted, they are being rude. You are entitled to say "what the fuck"

People who like you will find you pretty to some degree. Minor things about your appearance go completely unnoticed. Literally, scars and dots and blemishes do not register to someone who likes your company

You looking at yourself in the mirror is 10x more closely than anyone is going to look at you

If you're anxious about your body type, and you're creatively inclined, make/write an oc with that same shape. Give them nice things and make other characters love them. Put them on adventures. You'll start to see yourself in the mirror more kindly

You care about wording and perfect lines/colors way more than anyone who views your work ever will

Sometimes when you're upset, you're going to feel like not eating. Do not do that. Not eating makes you more miserable

Same with things you normally enjoy. Denying yourself helps no one. You are punishing yourself for being sad. Stop it

Both of these will take conscious decision to break the habit of. Make yourself do it anyways, and it will slowly get easier

And again, to reiterate: If someone is mad at you, it is THEIR responsibility to tell you, not your responsibility to guess

#anxiety #long post #i have been an adult for the better part of a decade and it has gotten SO much easier as i internalized these #swearing tw