#(when the trust issues hit but you're in denial about having trust issues)

[voidfell]

FROM THE INBOX: “So you’re telling me you’re in a foster home? Nah— that won’t do. What if we need you for a mission?” Flash crossed his arms and tilted his head, examining his fellow League member. “You’ll just have to come live with me. I’ll get the paperwork started with the foster system if you want— I just got a house for me and Bart and we’ve got a spare bedroom.” He paused. He was getting ahead of himself. “That is— if you WANT to. I— I’ve been in the system myself. Then I got taken in by these great folks. They were older, but they gave me a shot. I’d like to give you one, too.” / @nerdynanny

"I mean, I haven't missed a mission yet right?"

Legally, yes, Billy was pretty sure he was still considered in a foster home. The last one hadn't reported him missing yet, so he was still exactly where he was supposed to be on paper. The fact that he had been anywhere except there for a lot longer than any sane adult would be happy with didn't seem relevant.

Mentally, he did the math and granted he wasn't necessarily that great at math, he didn't think Flash's City was all that far from Fawcett, well, comparatively. If anything happened in the city it wouldn't be that hard to get there with flight and the Speed of Mercury.

Normally he wouldn't even be trying to math the math. He had his own thing going on, and it worked. But, the difference was that he trusted Wally, this wasn't like the other foster homes or his uncle. It was different. When Wally said he wanted to give him a shot, he meant it.

"It's a really nice offer. I just, I dunno."

The Rock of Eternity, his enemies, his city, he had responsibilities, plus the League, plus well . . . he couldn't really put a name to his hesitation if he was being honest.

#nerdynanny #(this got AWAY from me!!) #(when the trust issues hit but you're in denial about having trust issues) #✧˖*°࿐ Billy Batson Ver. // lightning CRASHED around me. like FATE had finally found me. #✧˖*°࿐ ANSWERED // uwu. hope that answered your QUESTION.

[yourpalwhale]

HIHIHIIIII wanna geek out abt the comics?? :D

YOU'RE ALL SO KIND HERE........ I ABSOLUTELY DO!!!!! Granted I only started the comics last week and just got to shattered grid yesterday, I am still absolutely insane over it.

I was NOT expecting these comics to be as well written as they are. I love the shows as much as the next person but there are certainly hit or miss seasons and a lot of it is toned down for the kid audience, but the comics have NONE of that. Mmpr especially has a much more serious tone,(granted I haven't gotten that far into ggpr yet bc of the reading order I'm following) and it's so refreshing to see. Like Tommy has Trauma from his time under Rita and having that loss of control and being made to hurt people, that AFFECTED him and it's shown! Rita literally Haunts him and it's so good.

We see so much more of the team dynamics and I LOVE IT!! Don't even get me started on Trini and Billy because they are the best of friends and learn so much from each other, there's so much trust and love there it makes me insane. Zach and Jason's relationship is so sweet too because they care about each other even if it's not said, it's shown through actions. Zach regularly comes to check on Jason while he's at HQ burning himself out and Zach says it's because he was bored, or just wanted to train, but he and Jason know it's because he's worried about him and doesn't want to leave him alone. Neither of them are all that open with their emotions but they're still so There for each other. This team is everything to me because they're just so close.

And now the first shattered grid issue...... dude... DUDE. I was CRYING!!! Time force is my favourite all time team so I got so excited when they showed up and OW.....??????? I don't know what that crack did to the team but I am hoping so hard that at the very least Lucas, Katie and Trip are alive. I also have hope about Wes but that may just be denial....... he's one of my favourite red rangers I'm sure he has plot armour or something. And JEN.... I have that full page panel of her w/ Kimberly and Tommy as my lockscreen because it's so.... everything to me. Jen is an Adult with experience in the field as a time force officer and as a power ranger and she's holding it together because she's the only one who knows what's going on and she has to be strong for these Teenagers looking up to her. They just lost one of their own and the universe is at stake, and they're just Kids. Jen just lost her team and her LOVER but she has to be strong for them right now. I don't know.... Jen and her grief. She's one of the most well written power rangers characters and it shows!!!!

I have a lot more I could say (LORD DRAKKON...?!?!??) but it's pretty late rn and I'm probably forgetting somethings but I'm SO excited to get into the comics more

#theyre SO GOOD so far!!!! #i dont even know what i wrote tbh i just love these characters so much #the comics do such a good job with the mmpr team considering they werent in my top 5 before i started reading and theyre UP THERE NOW!! #also any of you are free to dm me i just might not respond at rhe time of posting its 1 am #anything for power rangers #im not gonna tag this i dont think

[billybennet]

A Little Less Sixteen Candles and a Little More "Touch Me"

Chapter 2

Demetri Alexopoulos x reader

Summary: a very self-indulgent fic of what it would be like to date Demetri as Robby's sibling/Johnny's kid.

Chapter 1, Chapter 2, Chapter 3, Chapter 4, Chapter 5, Chapter 6

Masterlist

“So…” your brother starts, sitting on the couch next to you, “I met Demetri yesterday.”

“I heard,” you reply, not looking up from your book.

“He seems nice… aaandd he wants you to join Miyagi-do,” Robby hints.

“Aaaandd the answer is still no,” you say giving him a firm look.

“What's this about Miaygi-do?” Mr. Larusso walks in. Brilliant.

“Noth-”

“Y/N here was thinking of joining, ya know because Demetri did and everything…” you send him a deathly glare.

“Oh! You're friends with Demetri! That's great! He could use someone to practice with! Come to the dojo with us and try it out!” Mr. Larusso says excitedly.

“I-”

“They’ll be there.” Robby interrupts, this time giving you a firm stare. You sigh and give Mr. Larusso a tight-lipped smile as he shoots you a thumbs up, backing into the kitchen, “Great!”

.:.:.:..:.:.:..:.:.:..:.:.:..:.:.:..:.:.:..:.:.:..:.:.:..:.:.:..:.:.:..:.:.:..:.:.:..:.:.:..:.:.:.

You didn't want to be here. And you made it very clear by the deep sighs that left your body. You sat with Robby and Sam as you waited for Demetri and Mr. Larusso to show up.

“Will you stop?” Robby complained.

You gave him a defiant look, “No.”

“It's not as bad as it seems Y/N, and you'll have Demetri! At least you two can talk while you train!” Sam says optimistically.

“Alright!” Mr. Larusso claps his hands as he enters the backyard, Demetri rushing in behind him. “Let's get to it!”

Mr. Larusso starts by getting Demetri to show you wax on/wax off, which you do begrudgingly. When you finish you think that's it, but Mr. Larusso is quick to tell you it's not.

“Great! Now, Demetri, you can show them paint the fence!” The older man claps the two of you on the back as you release another deep sigh, tired of this already.

“C’mon Y/N, this one isn't that bad. Plus! I still haven't told you about the new issue of Nightwing!” you smile at his dorkiness and let him show you the move, the two of you doing the slow motion as he rambles to you about his favourite superhero.

The next week you continue going to Miyagi-do, although not for the karate, but for the closeness to the lanky dork your feelings have grown for. Together, the two of you progress better than you would have on your own. Although neither of you wanted to hurt each other, you both got more strong with your hits as you improved with blocking.

.:.:.:..:.:.:..:.:.:..:.:.:..:.:.:..:.:.:..:.:.:..:.:.:..:.:.:..:.:.:..:.:.:..:.:.:..:.:.:..:.:.:.

“You should go for it,” Robby speaks from where he sat next to Demetri in the backyard. Demetri had been watching you walk towards the dojo.

“What?” he asks, half distracted

“You should ask them out,” Sam butts in, sitting across from the boys.

“I don't know what you're talking about,” Demetri shrugs, unwrapping his sandwich.

“Y/n, they're totally into you,” Sam continues, Robby nods in agreement.

“No way… really?” Demetri asks, a frown on his face, still in denial, “like, did they say something to you?” he continues.

“Not exactly, but they don't need to, I've known them my whole life,” Robby replies.

“Yeah just trust us, they wouldn't turn you down,” Sam adds.

Demetri looked to the dojo hesitantly, before getting up to go find you.

You were in the corner, hunched over your bag, looking for something that seemed to be evading capture

“H-hey,” Demetri said nervously behind you, you turned and smiled at him.

“Hey.”

“Looking for something?”

“Ugh, yeah I can't find my chapstick and I swear it’s in here somewhe- AHA!” you giggled holding up the small object. Demetri smiled at you and watched intently as you rolled the product on your lips…

“Ahem,” Demetri cleared his throat realizing he was staring after a moment. You didn’t notice, putting back the chapstick and pulling out your water bottle instead

“Hey, so um I was uh wondering if you were busy tonight?” he asked sheepishly

“No, not that I know of,” you shook your head at him, “why, what’s up?”

“Oh, I was uh thinking that maybe we could do something, go out somewhere…”

“Yeah! that sounds fun” you smile at him.

“Really?” he asks, surprised.

“Yeah,” you confirm.

“Cool, um,” he nodded his head, smiling, “cool.”

“Pick me up at 7?” you ask, smiling widely.

“Yeah! uh okay!” he says, nodding once again, then he turns to leave the dojo and you go back to digging through your bag, getting your lunch, and taking it with you as you go outside to join the others, a wide smile on your face.

#cobra kai #demetri alexopoulos #demetri alexopoulos x reader

[nekropsii]

what's sov!cronus like? Also as someone who might be considered a fan of cronus, I feel like the big difference between a "good" cronus fan and a "bad" one is wether they acknowledge how awful he is. cronus sucks. objectively. and if you don't think he sucks then you're not a cronus fan, you just really like your oc that you stuck in cronus's body. cronus is a supervillain in the body of an incel and I love to hate him.

Yeah, totally get that. People who hate Cronus but are ultimately invested in his real actual canon character are welcome here. Hence why in a recent post, I did mention that you can like Cronus, you just have to acknowledge the fact that he’s awful and not, as you said, make an OC and put them in Cronus’s skin, for whatever reason. Apologists get blocked on sight. “Simps” also get blocked on sight. I’ve had far too many negative experiences with Cronus Enjoyers to not have severe, severe trust issues with regards to his character.

Hating Cronus is the correct response to his character. That was entirely the intention of his character. You are supposed to hate him, and Hussie honestly did a very good job of making a character who is genuinely evil without making it offensive. I’ve noticed a lot of writers will default onto stereotypical minority traits to show how much of a villain a character is- but Cronus is the opposite of this. He’s as hateable as he is because he does nothing but punch down and act like the victim of an oppressive system he’s actively upholding and benefitting from, and wants said system to be even more oppressive.

I suppose I could also be considered somewhat of an “anti-fan” of his character- I’m incredibly passionate about the idea of portraying him accurately, and I’m actually by choice one of the writers for his character in Sovereignstuck. I’m very much so passionate about Cronus’s character. It just so happens that that passion goes hand in hand with unending rage. Lol.

That said, Sov!Cronus is decently similar to canon Cronus. He’s still a vile person. In some ways, he’s even worse, but not in a way that breaks character. The framework for his behavior canonically started when he was incredibly young, and the reason why he’s as terrible as he is is because he had his hopes of being a prophetic Hero of Hope shattered. He’s jaded, bitter, and violently entitled, and he’s making it everyone else’s problem.

A key difference is that, in contrast to Cronus canonically having a millennia to “get over” the emotional injury of not being a prophetic hero, he’s only had one year to do so in Sovereignstuck. Which means he isn’t over it at all. It’s an incredibly fresh wound, and he’s still actively very upset about it. The fact that one of our key players is a Rogue of Hope- who is the prophetic Hero of Hope- does not at all bode well for his mental state. His rudimentary understanding of what classpects actually mean is not helping.

On top of that, he’s much more afraid of getting caught and revealed as the person he is, because getting suddenly hit with that information will absolutely lead to total rejection, which is his worst fear. There’s nothing he hates more than rejection. Due to this, he tends to put up more of a façade around the new guys. He’s not an idiot in that regard- he knows you have to start small and work your way up.

A big reason why he was able to get so far in the first place was because his biggest target, Mituna, is a Cassandra parallel- in which Cronus is the Apollo of that equation, as well as Ajax the Lesser. If you know, you know. The Cassandra effect has not had any time to set into the Player session- and actually won’t really set in at all. It’s very frustrating for him.

Also, he’s got shades now. He thinks they make him look cool. +2 Confidence Boost. They don’t actually look cool. He looks like a dweeb. He also wears clothes that are too big for him, to pretend that he’s larger than he actually is. It’s a sore subject. He’s in denial.

#long post this time! #if you have any specific/additional questions I’m more than happy to respond #homestuck #soveriegnstuck #alpha trolls #cronus ampora #sov!cronus ampora #cronus.pdf #sov!cronus.pdf #nekro.pdf #nekro.sms

[vanessakharbudon]

Of jealous tendencies

And sick games that come out of it

~

Jealousy is like the sting of a scorpion...

Where you sting yourself in the end...

Ask yourself why are you jealous of them🤔

Jealousy creates these filters in your mind giving you distorted perspectives.It blurs your vision, thus you cannot see clearly and your thinking capacity gets clouded. Your mind creates these scenarios that paint the person you're jealous of as the villain.

Jealousy reveals the inferiority complex within yourself. You believe you don't have what this person has, so you get jealous. You see the person as a competition and a threat.

If you're in denial at this point, why are you mentally foaming in the mouth at the mention of their name?

Instead why not ask the person you're jealous of how they got there 🧐?

If you're jealous of their shoes, just ask them where they got the pair from🙄?

If it's their friendly nature and you're an introvert, well there's no need to get jealous of their popularity! Ask them to show you how to come out of your shell and to introduce you to some of their friends🤗

If it's a work thingy, ask them how they did it, that you want to learn and if they could show you the ropes🧐

Scenario: "Your hair looks amazing. Hopefully you'll point me to your salon?"

Ask them to talk about the very thing you're jealous of.

Celebrate with them and laugh.

I love laughter. It truly is the best medicine.

People who frown when they can laugh orbit on a different place 🤷🏻‍♀️

There will always be someone prettier, more intelligent, talented, richer, seemingly better than you in some area or another. This is a fact of life. Grow up!

If you give in to jealousy, your inferiority issues will compound. You have closed the door to an opportunity for inner healing.

Plus, the frothing-at-the-mouth-evil-eyed look will not do you any favours 🙄 Cringe!

👉Communicate. Choose to be better.

If you can tie up the loose ends, and sweep away the dust, what are you waiting for? Swallow your pride! You're not Henry Cavill in Superman 🙄

Its ugly to have jealousy and suspicion fester inside. You give off a bad vibe. You resort to playing games. You end up in dirty politics, spinning sick games of betrayal, espionage and counter espionage. You become petty and self-aggrandizing - extremely self-centered. They live in the dog eat dog world. Hardened and manipulative, wouldn't think twice of stabbing another in the back to get ahead. To the world though you can put on an act (example: our desi politicians).

No wonder your hit song is: "can't trust nobody. I'm so lonely. I have no friends".

By 40, you'll be plagued by all kinds of BP fluctuations, lowered immunity, anxiety issues, alcoholism, you'll have worn yourself out to back pain that doesn't go away, tormenting stress leading to all types of migraines.

You hate everyone but smile in public.

Oh! But the pretense!

The masks 🎭 fall off eventually...

The make-up washes off...

The manicured nails turn into gnarly claws 🦞

The narratives crumble ...

Lies get swallowed up by the TRUTH

Eventually you will get stung by yourself scorpion prince/princess 😞

Sheesh! All this terribly knotted mental gymnastics 🪢

You look constipated 🤢

~

Affixture:

If you really understood that you are deeply loved by your Heavenly Father who has given you His kingdom, you will be free of jealousy. There would be no need to be jealous of another. A jealous person is one who is afflicted with an orphan spirit and who doesn't know how loved they are by their heavenly Father. Your heavenly Father will give you the best! You cannot lose anything!

#jealousy #mind games #jealousy issues #fake friends

[kio-may]

hey bestie- it's me again shsksbskn i really love what you did with my request!✨ now you don't have to answer my request but i'm interested in your take on it.

(tw profanity sbsjsbj)

dorm leaders with an s/o that's able to hide out their frustrations in public and is very proper and mature. but the headcannons are when they accidentally stumble upon their s/o lecturing ace, deuce, and grim and they overhear them say:

"this is the third time this week, you three do that shit again, and i will personally strangle you, do i make myself clear?"

(keep up the good work!)

Hi!! Nice to see you again :) thank you for the request

Honestly this tickled my fancy a bit huhuhu wkdnsks

Ive always wanted to write something similar huhu

I think i went overboard with vil's 😭😭 and i probably made kalim's too short im sorry wodnsksj

THE WHIPLASH

LWEPWJWOWJW

In shock,denial, processing all stages of grief in like 3 seconds for the moment he hears you

Can't actually believe it's you for a second

But then he realizes

"Y/n? Was that really you..?"

You're gonna have to give him an explanation 😡😡 /j

But honestly on a serious note, he's actually a bit empathetic about it

He's also usually seen as the calm and stern leader, but he also has his own anger issues so he's used to people sometimes telling him that he wasn't what they expected him to be

He recommends things to do to vent out your frustrations

"I wouldn't recommend strangling them, as much as I'd love to aswell"

Has a small laugh with you about it

Has doubts you may be hiding your emotions so as the guy he is, drops very subtle hints that he's always ready to lend an ear

Good boy <3

Subtle whiplash

But only for like a second

Stands there amused then breaks out into a smirk

"Didn't think you had that in you, herbivore"

Probably thinks it's kinda hot

Tones up the teasing for the rest of the week to test you

Wonders how you managed to hide it from him too, considering how observant he is

(Lazy but not dumb basically)

Slightly encourages you to strangle the adeuce and grim combo-

Stop LWNSOSNSJ

Has a good laugh

He also thinks it's a good intimidation factor

Typical Leona

Also kinda smug about it too

Like the "my s/o is very mature and calm but when shit hits the fan, the ceiling breaks" kinda proudness

Likes that side of you lowkey

Won't admit it but he'll tease you about it

Smug bastard /hj

Medium whiplash LANSOSJSJ

Amused

Actually reminds him of Jade

Like a tiny bit

Approaches you after you're done lecturing them

"That was truly delightful"

He'll be curious about your more angrier and more emotion-showing side

Like Riddle though, doubt fogs his mind and he thinks he isn't being trustworthy for you and tries to drop subtle hints that you can talk to him about it

Also tries to get you to teach him how to be reserved but that's another story LAKSLS

Is a bit more observant of you to see if there's any small cracks of your more emotional side in the side that you put up in public

Also relates a bit, he's felt irrational and immature so he hides it behind this shady persona, so out of concern he sometimes inquires about it

He'll be very empathetic

"Is that so?"

If it's just that you're more emotional around people close to you, he'll shrug it off, but again some doubt fogs his mind

He wonders what needs should be met to see this side of you more often

If you show it during both of your's intimate moments he's melting and he feels so loved and trusted

"That was so cool!"

He's actually so shocked by it but in a very amused-happy way

He thinks it's really cool how you can be so reserved despite having so much emotion

Still asks about the whole "I'll strangle you" thing and has a laugh about it

Straightforwardly asks you about it

"Is there a reason you do it?"

Really reminde him of Jamil in a way

Asks you for tips on how to be so reserved and calm

He really needs it LWNSKWJ

Nothing much really just initial shock and the usual happy go lucky kalim

Wishes he was like you but loves the fact you're his s/o, kind of like Leona he's very proud about it

Good boy

Wants to tell everyone about it but it just kinda defeats the whole purpose of it so-

He's trying his best to keep his mouth shut

Teetering on the edge

Sometimes thinks it's scary when you get angry but like,also in a cool way

Yeah KANSKSK

"Potato? What was that?"

He's actually pleasantly surprised

He thinks it's smart and a bit appreciative of how well you're in control of your emotions

Still, he's a bit concerned and makes sure it's not anything bottled up

"Well, they deserved a good lecture anyway, but I suggest not strangling them just yet"

He's a bit playful/teasing, like a tiny subtle bit

A bit impressed

Inquires Rook about it

And if you managed to even fool him?

Oh dear, you're a smart cookie, aren't you?

But he also straightforwardly tells you that if it's anything serious, or if you're bottling up your emotions, to talk to him about it

Also warns you a little if you actually do bottle your emotions

Also smug about it too

A relationship means a lot to him so he trusts you a lot to be able to freely talk to him about your emotions

You'd think he may not like that side of you, but he's actually a bit fond of it

It feels intimate and trusting to him, and he's happy whenever you genuinely express an emotion in front of him without any hesitance

The moment you start opening up more about your emotions to him, the more he will reciprocate and show emotions to you that he won't usually show

It was just a tad bit intimidating to him at first, this level of intimacy is probably something he didn't expect soon

But he's happy

<3

THE WHIPLASH 2.0

Crying screaming throwing up

Somewhat intimidated by you

He already was at first when you both met and you had this very calm aura around you thats stood out from the other nrc rats students

But when he sees you angry? And lecturing those idiots two?

Oh dear

He's hiding in his room for a day (like always) and refuses to show himself to you for a while

It'll probably take him a while to inquire you about it

But when you do and really talk to him about it in depth

He'll be relieved and a bit ashamed because he felt like he overreacted skdnksjd

Makes multiple references to characters and snickers to himself

"Ahh.. I remembered a character just now, you're so much like them.. lol"

Snickers to himself now when he remembers you lecturing those 3 again

Smug

Leona level smug about it

Like "heck yeah, that's MY s/o!!"

Sometimes asks Ortho about it because he gets curious but nothing much

"Child of man..? How interesting"

Amused

Then comes the teasing

Also a bit like Leona

Wonders how you hid that expressive side of yours so well,and how you managed to maintain it

Asks Lilia if he noticed "something" about you

He's also dropping small reassurances in his teasings

"Hahaha.. well I hope you won't hide anything from me, no? As for those 3, maybe not now"

Very smug about it too

Whenever you show your more expressive and emotional side to him, he's not judging but everytime it happens he's slightly amused and so proud about it

He feels all giddy for the fact you're more vulnerable around him

Happy in a weird way (not bad tho)

Sometimes wonders how you're able to do it so well

Asks you about it from time to time just to know more and more

He thinks it's very interesting

Likes comparing the contrast of you in public eye vs people who you show your more expressive side to

Overall he finds it fascinating

Everytime you show more emotion, his eyes light up in a different manner and his gaze on you feels all the heavier, it's not that he's trying to scare you

It's just he understands how rare these moments are and

He can't help it

He wants to treasure every small intimate moment like that!

One of the more chill ones tbh

---

#twst x yuu #twst x mc #twst #disney twst #twst malleus #twst vil #twst riddle #twst wonderland #twst leona #twst x reader #twst azul #twst kalim #twst idia #twisted wonderland x you #twisted wonderland x reader #twisted wonderland malleus #twisted wonderland #idia shroud #leona kingscholar #riddle rosehearts #vil schoenheit #azul ashengrotto #kalim al asim #malleus draconia #my writing #kio.asks

[whats-rambled-rambled]

Long Nights - playlist

You can find it on Spotify here.

Eddie Vedder - Long nights

I’ve already talked about it in another post a bit, so--

For the first time, I had a full series figured out even before I started writing. All the arcs, main plot points, even the final conversation! I even had a 3h long playlist with all the songs that would come in handy along the way, but still, none of them was the one (so basically same thing that happened with Smoke series)

I started thinking about the main theme and/or drive for our new Reader, and then it hit me. There already is a story with that vibe, and it has such an amazing soundtrack.

So I opened Spotify and browsed through the album.

And I found it.

The overall mood was not something that was going to be helpful at the beginning of the series, but oh my, those lyrics were it for all the things I had planned.

//Have no fear

For when I'm alone

I'll be better off than I was before//

That’s R, all right. Not afraid to be alone, she prefers it. Nothing can hurt her, unlike when she gets too invested. Commitment issues and whatnot.

//Long nights allow me to feel...

I'm falling...I am falling

The lights go out

Let me feel

I'm falling

I am falling safely to the ground//

Knowing what I was about to put R through, this looks only fitting, don’t you think?

Chapter 1: Sigrid - Don’t kill my vibe

I could see LN!R so clearly. I wanted to explore some of my favourite rogue tropes, and she was perfect for it. In my head, she was definitely younger than the other two from my previous series. A bold type, a joker, but serious when it comes to her craft. Not with the same heavy emotional baggage (not at the start, at least - I felt like, opposed to Smoke!R who was more about distracting herself when she felt too much, our new R would be more about denial, or hiding her issues behind her jokes).

I found this song on some random playlist, and I knew it was her.

//You shut me down, you like the control

You speak to me like I'm a child

Try to hold it down, I know the answer

I can shake it off and you feel threatened by me

I tried to play it nice but

Oh-oh-oh, ooh, ooh

Don't kill my vibe

Oh-oh-oh, ooh, ooh

Don't break my stride//

To me, that was that moment she gets dragged into the car. Not having the obvious lies TP feeds her, definitely finding them all and the stuff they throw at her hilarious, calling them out on their bullshit without thinking twice over it.

//Guess you're surprised I'm the puzzle you can't figure out//

That got me an idea for part 2 and the coffee situation - come on, you know I can’t resist that trope when it comes to Neil, I think it’s an excellent way to get to know the characters a little bit and tell something more about the dynamic.

Tom Grennan - I might

To me, it’s another character introduction song.

//Oh I love, oh I love, love my freedom//

....you already know what I’m getting at, right?

//Don't want no one taking up my time

Staying on my mind, changing up my life

Don't want no one messing up my bed

Fucking with my head, it's no lie//

That’s her. R hates to be manipulated, that’s why she’s mad at Mahir. I didn’t want to put all the angst here, but I knew there was something deeper hidden there, after his comment about her trust issues. I didn’t know what exactly, but I knew it would come in handy later.

There was one spin on the story I was playing with - where she actually lets them all lead her on for a while, a whole elaborate ruse to get her invested and onboard, but that was a lot of drama quite early on, and I wanted this to be a lighter series (oh shush, I am well aware how that played out in the end, I tried, alright? Not my fault I apparently can’t come up with a story without sprinkling it with a shitload of angst)

//But when you look at me like that

I might//

See, this is when I stopped. I didn’t think R would be falling head over heels for Neil right from the start. That’s why the heart beating faster at the end of the chapter was supposed to be about the lock and something finally sparking her curiosity, taking her out of the boredom of everyday life.

Kings of Leon - Find me

That’s more chapter-specific.

//I really wanna know your name

See your face, know who you are, who you are

How did ya find me, how did ya find me?

What are you looking for, are you looking for

How did ya find me how did ya find me

Up in the shadow, picking up my load//

I found it quite fitting the moment R meets Neil again and he drags her to a back alley, and then again, in the car. She isn’t scared, more like fascinated, she finds the whole thing exciting, even.

American Authors - I’m born to run

Oh my god, the vibe of this song! This is that need for freedom and carelessness I needed to tap into.

//I'm gonna live my life like I'm gonna die young

Like it's never enough, like I'm born to run

I'm gonna spend my time like tomorrow won't come

Do whatever I want like I'm born to run

I wanna see Paris, I wanna see Tokyo

I wanna be careless even if I break my bones

I'm gonna live my life like I'm gonna die young

Like it's never enough, like I'm born to run

All these things I've seen and done

I live my life like I'm born to run//

The Pretty Reckless - Prisoner

Another random song I found one day while I was cooking breakfast. I was like “oooh, I dig that!” and then I listened to the lyrics and I knew I needed it for this story.

//You could have my body

But you can't have me

I know I'm a criminal

Don't you tell on me//

That’s it. Her. I knew that would be handy for the moment Neil breaks after all the teasing. And that criminal bit. I mean - come on!

Missy Elliot - Work it

(This is technically part 2 but it was messing with the flow on the playlist and I’m leaving it here)

Okay, this is quite meta and corny, because this is probably one of the oldest jokes you can find for Tenet, and I’ve been battling with myself if I should even put it here, but I referenced it in the chapter, so here we are. I’ve loved this song for years, and when I was trying to think what would R listen to while she tries to clear her head while she works on the bloody inverted lock - that was the only thing that seemed appropriate.

//Come on

Is it worth it? Let me work it

I put my thang down, flip it and reverse it

Ti esrever dna ti pilf nwod gnaht ym tup i//

...you see what I mean?

Chapter 2: Praise you

God, okay, this song - when I heard it while I was working on the story, it brought a movie-like montage of scenes in front of my eyes. You know the type, when they try to show you how the time passes, how someone progressively becomes better at something. That was Neil, working on those locks. R giving him tips, then teasing him. The way he loses his cool, only to slowly gain confidence, and then how she ups her game, both of them getting their bits of satisfaction from the whole game.

//We've come a long long way together

Through the hard times and the good

I have to celebrate you baby

I have to praise you like I should//

Have I ever told you when exactly I got the idea for the series? When I was writing that hostage situation fic and the moment R remembers her lockpicking sessions. I thought - what if it was the other way around? What if that was Neil who was about to start learning about picking locks?

It had so much potential for ✨hand content✨ and how could I resist?

...And I knew that R would see what I’m seeing, and she would rather like it. And the image of a very flustered Neil while she teases the hell out of him? Yep, yep, yep.

Sam Fender - Start again

This one definitely starts that montage as well, the repetition of going over and over again. Even if the whole song is definitely heavier than I needed, I decided to keep it, mostly for this part:

//Let's start again

Let's learn to talk

Without the fear of being heard

'Cause everybody's listening to everything and everybody

Let's pull the cord

Move below

Let's start again//

Chapter 3: Billy Raffoul - Difficult

Ah, Billy. And when I found this one, I got goosebumps, because I instantly knew that if I had to choose one song for them, it would probably be this one.

//You never get lost in love, you only get lost in me

You never can get enough of whatever you think you need

No matter how hard I try I never can beat this rush

Ain't nobody get me high, feel lighter when we touch//

This fits them so well, innit? We know how R feels about this whole love thing, she enjoys a good shag, and I had a feeling that after such a build-up, that night together would be something quite amazing, for both of them.

//We never get lost in love, we only get lost in sheets

You'd rather just shut me off whenever we get too deep//

That’s the moment when they have a vibe check in the morning. They had fun. Is it gonna affect their dynamic? They’re attracted to each other, they understand one another. Can they keep it casual? We know that R can, or at least she thinks so, but what about Neil? We know he’s a soft idiot, but I specifically imagined a bit younger version of him for this story - he had to be, if he was just learning about lockpicking. So the whole “no dating, just sex” could be fine with him for a while, but would he catch feelings anyway? Probably, yeah. And sooner than later.

//And now I'm standing in the rain

And your hair, it's falling in your face

And I know we're doing the right thing//

Not the rain, but shower, kinda works too, right? And I already knew that the rain would be a pretty important factor a little bit further into the story.

//But I can't help wondering, who will take my place?//

Ouch.

//On and off, difficult

Too in love to let it go

Now, who's gonna hold me like you do?//

The emotions in this bit, dear lord. It’s this high that takes your breath away, sweeps you off your feet, scorches the reality, and leaves no survivors.

That being said, I don’t think they are really in love at this point. They really care for each other, though, that’s where the softness comes from.

//Hmm who's gonna hold you like I do?//

I literally gasped when I heard that last line. Hits right in the heart, just as I like it.

Rhys Lewis - Waking up without you

There’s something in this song that makes it incredibly sexy. It was great for the morning after vibe, where they don’t really have enough of each other yet.

//Skin on skin

We didn't finish what we started

Heart to heart

I'm missing your love//

Keir - Probably

The way it flows? How powerful the chorus is? It’s heavy, hot, and just makes my heart beat faster.

//Colliding were the walls

And I forget where I began

I wish I could remember love//

Holy fuck. It always makes me think of something awakening deep inside R, definitely not ready to be acknowledged at that moment in the story.

//Probably underneath

There's a remedy

Possibly in the air

In the oxygen I breathe

Probably//

And this part is just mind-blowing. There’s this longing there, and if that feeling isn’t perfect for something more steamy, then I don’t know what is.

Dermot Kennedy - Glory

This one just… expands my heart? I don’t know how else to explain it. Especially the chorus. And then when I think of it in the context of the story, I somehow place it in TP’s office, when Neil gets all protective and doesn’t want to risk taking Reader on a mission where something can so easily go wrong, only because he isn’t prepared enough.

//A set of eyes had pinned him

Became his version of a kingdom

She's everything the devil can't be

When she's singing to me "Glory"//

Maybe that’s when he starts to realize that he cares more than he thought.

Rhys Lewis - Living in The City

If the previous song was Neil’s perspective, we’re back to R. Just look at the lyrics:

//I've been living in the city too long

I've been given everything that I've got

Been a sinner and a saint

Crazy, and sane

I've been living in the city too long//

We’re kinda circling back to part 1, that need to skip town, right?

//There's a part of my soul that wants to let go

Wants to just run away

But the rest of my soul says I should stay

I should stay//

And now we’re back when she can say that the mission is not her problem, she did the best she could, and TP can go fuck himself. Is it just that she feels responsible for her student? Or she likes him enough so she has to make sure he succeeds and comes back? Or she sees a friend in need, something to open, and doesn’t think twice about it?

Chapter 4: Bastille - World gone mad

God, do I love this song.

//So this is where we are

It's not where we had wanted to be

If half the world's gone mad

The other half just don't care, you see

You don't want to fuck with us

British to the very last

When it feels like the world's gone mad

And there's nothing you can do about it

No there's nothing you can do about it//

It felt so accurate for the part when R gets to see all that inverted reality? There’s a slight heaviness of heart there, and it matches the mood when she feels overwhelmed. On the other hand, there’s a bit of hope, the feeling of not being alone in this mad world, and that’s all that matters.

Who’s Molly - Touch the sky

Badass. Pure and simple. It hypes you up, brings a smile to your face, makes you believe everything is possible.

//We can never see beyond that horizon.

And no one knows this road and where it's going to lead.

But there's one thing, one thing that's for certain.

We'll make it through.

If you were here with me.//

That softer bit with inverted guns. And later on, throughout the chapter. They both find comfort in each other’s presence on the mission, after all.

//I wasted so much time trying to find a meaning.

I never looked up, couldn't seem to turn around.

And then you crashed in, and you gave my life a reason.

You pick me up, so high and my feet won't touch the ground, no no no.

Never would have thought I could win this battle.

I was left for dead, every hope in tatters.

We're going to set the world alight tonight.

Cause we can touch the sky!//

That’s the excitement and fun they’re having on the training grounds, not at all stressed about what’s to come.

//Close your eyes, free your soul.

You feel it, don't try it, then you’ll never know.//

Ah, and we’re here at my favourite reference to feeling something, thank you Mr Nolan, sir, so useful.😌

Dermot Kennedy - Young & free

Another one by Dermot Kennedy, and definitely not the last.

//All that she said to me stays with me, never to die

Held me brand new in the silence that went through the pines

Like I said already darling, I don't want you looking back at all the ghosts left behind

Know you'll stay near me so road remains hopeful this time

We were young

We were free, come on now, let it go//

The little whiplash in the mud, where they share a short moment, before they follow with the crackheadery, maybe partly to push back from coming close to something more meaningful. Because it’s there already, kindling, waiting to be spotted and recognized.

James Gillespie - Don’t let me get me

Okay, so - the original song by P!nk was always something that resonated with me, so when Spotify recommended that one, I was like “okay, I’m not sure why but let’s try it.” And then it brought me to that scene in the container.

//I'm a hazard to myself

Don't let me get me

I'm my own worst enemy

It's bad when you annoy yourself

So irritating//

To be honest, I didn’t plan on R to have such a strong case of a mean brain. It was supposed to be a lighter series 🙃. But as you already know, those characters have minds of their own, and it kinda sorta happened. I knew it would be more of a simple panic than full-blown panic attacks that haunted StuckIn!R, topped with pretty loud intrusive thoughts causing her to spiral, especially when she was exhausted.

Ruelle - Oh my my

Listen to that one and tell me you don’t want to go on a sneaky mission, I dare you. I even had it noted as my title song, but then I switched to Bastille.

//I can feel it in my bones, in my bones

Hear it rumble like a drum, like a drum

Like a vapor in the wind, in the wind

You never see us creeping in, creeping in

Oh my my, oh my my

You never stood a chance

...

Ready or not, here we come//

The vibe is just amazing. The low-key hype? Is that a thing? It must be. And those drums! Even quite fitting for a patter of rain, one might argue.

Speaking of rain--

Chapter 5: Dermot Kennedy - After rain

The title alone is perfect for this chapter, but the rest of it - my poor heart. This chapter and the finale have some of the most beautiful and/or heart-wrenching songs I’ve ever heard, and this one is definitely one of them.

//But it's alright because

You cause lanterns to light

And force demons disperse

And if Lucifer may fear the swift drying of tears

Then, for evil, you could not be worse

But I see you now, yeah, I see you

And release me now, kinda like dreams do

And I see you now, was hard to see you

Just don't forget to sing

Remember everything//

So we have Neil storming off from the bathroom because he’s clearly going through something. The immense guilt brewing inside him, overflowing and backfiring, when he can’t cope with seeing her so battered, knowing that she may never fully recover, and just because he hesitated out there. The fear is there, but also other feelings he tries to keep in check now.

I had that image of R asking him to stay, then just breaking down in the darkness. I was aware it would only add to the issues Neil already had, but it would be nothing compared to the fact that she needs him, and he’d be ready to push everything that bothered him away to comfort her.

Humming a lullaby that he promised her in the container. And R recognized it (kind of), because he used parts of it to plead with her to stay with him after the fall, so she could one day hear the whole thing, because she took that rain check and she needed to cash it in, right?

...yeah, I like breaking my own heart, why? (should I write that part one day?)

//If you think just maybe it's her

Then promise me, young man, you're gonna let her know

You won't go lonely, yeah

It'll all be better in the morning

'Cause while you sleep, I'll build a wall//

Aquillo - Six feet over ground

Whenever I hear this song now, my mind goes to that scene in the bathroom.

//Today's the day I found myself alright

When I look ahead, pretend it never came.

I found a way to keep my head above

But the hardest part is to say 'No it's not'

Well I'm okay, and I'm still breathing

I'm still six feet over ground

But you don't need to know now

You don't need to know how I'm doing//

They both hide how they really feel. That they are not okay. They’re both scared, blaming themselves. Reader doesn’t want to worry Neil too much, but she also tries to convince herself that she is fine. And a moment of peace they share shatters as soon as she downplays what happened aloud, and when Neil goes off, she hides behind yet another joke, and then behind a blindfold.

Aquilo - Silhouette

The one for when R tells Neil goodnight and then can’t fall asleep. //Devil's on your shoulder

Strangers in your head

As if you don't remember

As if you can forget

It's only been a moment

It's only been a lifetime

But tonight you're a stranger

Some silhouette //

When he comes to check in on her, and something feels off. She’s lost, yet finds enough strength to ask him to stay.

//Just hold me//

Nathan Ball - Drifting

//I can see in your eyes

When you lie awake at night

You convince yourself you're fine, it's alright

To keep on drifting

With the drugs keeping you high

They catch you falling from the sky

I keep asking myself why

You stand by

And keep on drifting

…

So tell me what you hold inside

Tell the backstreets of your mind

You're still lonely as a child

Teary eyed

Kept on drifting//

Knowing our Reader a bit longer by now, I knew what would happen if she was to be left alone with her thoughts, in pain, and with Neil being weirdly distant.

Have you ever lied in bed, crying silently, trying not to wake up the person next to you but getting absolutely torn apart by the sadness roaring inside you? It’s a different kind of loneliness, not helping in the slightest when you’re biting back sobs. Anyway,--

//So take my hand and hold on

Take my hand don't let go//

That’s something that happened almost organically with these two. Part of their language, hand touches as a sign of support.

I gotta admit, I watched Shadow and Bone already being in the middle of writing the series and seeing how overused the hand-holding flashback was... it there made me slightly cringe every time it came up in the story I was writing later on. On the other hand (hah), it was so them. It had to stay.

Dean Lewis - Need you now - Acoustic

//Cold light wakes me in the morning,

Your side is empty I was calling out to you,

I was calling out to you.//

That’s the next day after R’s breakdown, but check out the next lyrics.

//But I don't need your love,

I just need your

Talking next to me when I wake up, wake up

Talking next to me when I wake up next to you,

When I'm hungover too.

Cause you're the only one who comes when I'm lonely,

You're the only one who comes when I'm lonely for you,

When I'm lonely for you.

All that I need is a sweet escape,

And all that I need is a sweet escape.

...

Cause I don't need your love

But I just need you now

And I don't need your love

I just need you now//

This, y’all, is R, still convinced that it’s not about love, and it’s so perfectly put into words, but the music and the vocals are dripping with longing, making it even more spot-on for the occasion.

RHODES - Breathe

The emotions captured in this… holy shit. They clench my chest and make me struggle for breath. This could have been a song playing in the background when R wakes up from a nap to Neil having a breakdown of his own.

//Mind break in two,

There's a light in the sky, there's a light

And it's all for you

Dawn colors all

Tell me how do you feel?

Tell me how do you need to heal?//

Looking for his hand, only to find a clenched fist. And when she realizes he’s been crying and she hears how broken he is, that’s enough to make her heart shatter, doubly so because he’s agonizing over something she feels responsible for.

//Breathe, release it all

Come on now, I'll keep you warm

Come on!

Breathe, release it all

Come on now, I need your love

Come on now!//

To me, every “come on”, repeated with urgency, is how desperate she is to make him stop spiraling down when she kisses him, and then again, more purposefully, until he gives in and comes back to her.

Circa Waves - Fire that burns - Acoustic

The one for ✨the moment✨.

//Comfort me, oh comfort me

I'm lighting up

To see the day you run for me

You run for me, my love//

Because they both seek comfort in the act, two broken people mending whole in each other’s embrace. Ultimately, finding there something more, whether they are ready to acknowledge it or not.

//But I've been tied up

For days

And I've been thinking of the things that you say

And I've been wound up

Each way

I need to let you know, to let you know today//

Neil already knows how important she is to him. And that’s what he tries to say between the choked-out words, that he thought he’d lost his chance to tell her how much she means to him.

//You call me a liar

You call me so innocent

But you lit the fire

You lit the fire that burns

The fire that burns inside us

I'm not innocent

I lit the fire, the fire, the fire

I lit the fire//

Oh yes, that bit definitely seeped into the chapter.

The XCERTS - Feels like falling in love - alternative version

//Keep yourself safe, keep yourself safe she said

You broke your own heart but there's no need to lose your head

Keep yourself sane, keep yourself sane he said

You gotta give up, give up, give up the dark

To start again//

You can see it, right?

Outlining the whole story, I knew that part 5 would be the part when they fall in love, or realize that they already might be.

//And it feels like falling in, falling in love

Yeah it feels like falling in, falling in, falling in love

Could save me tonight//

The 1975 - Fallingforyou

//According to your heart

My place is not deliberate

Feeling of your arms

I don't want to be your friend, I want to kiss your neck

Don't you see me I

I think I'm falling, I'm falling for you

And don't you need me I

I think I'm falling, I'm falling for you

On this night, and in this light

I think I'm falling (I think I'm falling), I'm falling for you

And maybe you, change your mind//

They’re so vulnerable there. Everything Neil pours into the act sweeps R off her feet and she opens up and to let him feel the extent of how much she cares for him, unaware that it might be shifting into something from the territory she promised herself not to venture into. Because that’s not important then. Nothing else is. Just them. So simple.

Adam French - Weightless

The light and softness in this song remind me of another Weightless I used for the finale of the Smoke series.

That’s the moment after. Softness. Closeness. Bliss.

//I told ya that you were the only weight on my shoulders

You see you're gonna make it alright

How you're gonna make it alright

When you're gonna make it alright, alright, alright

You say your body will

You say your body will

Hold me in the night

...

Only you can make me weightless

...

Closer is all I ever wanted to be

There for ya so you can be confiding in me

There to break the fall

Here for everybody to see

Weightless after all//

Chapter 6: Declan J Donovan - Perfectly imperfect

I had the moment they fall in love. I knew how it was gonna end, the conversation with Mahir and how it goes from there. I thought that we need some calm before the storm that was bound to happen, and what’s better than a little domestic fluff? A time when they can see each other in a different setting, get to know one another even better. Fall even harder.

And my god, this song.

//You live like you're a secret

One that only I could know

'Cause I said

You know what I want and

I know who you are

I know when I hold you and love you

You'll get up and go before you fall apart//

...that last line hits different when you know what’s gonna happen later, right?

//I'll bring you every colour that I find

In your eyes

You wake me up

And it breaks my heart

That you're perfectly imperfect

You're hurting but you're worth it

You don't know why

I would waste my time

But I'm falling and I mean it

I want you like I need it

There's nothing you could try to change my mind

'Cause I'm in love

So call me when you want me and I'll come running

Find me waiting at your door

So tell me if you're lonely and it won't last long

'Cause I'm in love with you (you)//

That light when the song gets to the part about being in love -- there’s so much tenderness there, and it resonated with the story so much. And the perfectly imperfect line, so so good.

Bastille - Survivin’

The way the song swings and the hopeful vibe is just what I needed for this chapter.

//And I'm not gonna lie

Say I've been alright

'Cause it feels like I've been living upside down

What can I say? I'm survivin'

Crawling out these sheets to see another day

What can I say? I'm survivin'

And I'm gonna be fine

I'm gonna be fine

I think I'll be fine//

As much as Reader didn’t want Neil to be there with her for so long, she really enjoys his company, making the boring and still rather painful recovery period easier.

Ella Henderson, Tom Grennan - Let’s go home together - stripped

Ha, this one! The humour when they tease other words always brings a smile to my face. That playfulness just fits our duo’s dynamic so well.

//Maybe you'll like me the way I am//

Crazy concept, right? And with Neil learning to spot the times when she hides behind a joke, and still being there--

//Feels like I know you so well

You could be everything that I've been missing

I'm coming out of my shell

And I never do that

How did you do that?

It's like I've known you my whole life//

That’s exactly how she feels like. She intently doesn’t think about it though, because if she starts overthinking it… we know what happens. She’s allowing herself to be in the moment, however. And happy.

//You seem like someone I could be myself with, no defenses

Maybe you like me the way I am//

That brings me to all Neil’s animated rants, and how much he appreciates that she always listens. He feels accepted, and I don’t know, it melts my heart a little.

//Baby, I'm in love//

🙃

INXS - Need you tonight

I know I used a cover of this song for another playlist, but the vibe was so different, and you just have to bear with me. It’s one of those songs that sparks the ideas and images, and usually, they involve Neil being a tease and having way too much fun. And as I was plotting the chapter, I thought of R missing out on his shenanigans, and how he could make her see what he was doing, and 😳 oh my. I knew the imagination would run wild. (That definitely might have something to do with a certain scene from a certain movie and a conversation I had with M about how Neil would handle it)

//So slide over here and give me a moment

Your moves are so raw, I've got to let you know

I've got to let you know

You're one of my kind

I need you tonight

'Cause I'm not sleepin'

There's somethin' about you, girl

That makes me sweat//

That’s one sexy song, don’t judge me.

Dermot Kennedy - Days like this

Oh, would you look at that, it’s Dermot again! This one is for that scene on the balcony.

That quiet contentment, like everything fell in its place and life is alright.

//When it's not always raining, there'll be days like this

When there's no one complaining, there'll be days like this

When everything falls into place, like the flick of a switch

Oh my mama told me, there'll be days like this

When you don't need to worry, there'll be days like this

When no one's in a hurry, there'll be days like this

When you don't get betrayed by that old Judas kiss

Oh my mama told me, there'll be days like this//

They’re in the moment, comfortable in the relationship that blooms between them. More casual and laid-back throughout the day only to get more soft and intimate in the evenings, when the inner demons’ voices grow louder.

James Bay - Chew on my heart - acoustic

The way the chorus explodes? It makes me beam widely and my heart is about to burst.

//Take your time

I'll be right here

I know no one could ever love me better

Take all night

You're the truth that

Is breaking me and keeping me together

Together

I wanna be in your touch

Sleep is so tough

You're burning up my mind

What would it feel like if you tore me apart?

Come on chew on my heart

...

I'm on fire

I'm a hot mess

I'm thinking things that I might start regretting

So hear me out

I need you now

I'm spiraling

I'm sinking down

Look for me I'm sending up a message

A message//

I think it weirdly fits those times at night when Neil checks the bruises. When their minds wander to that first evening, and they still feel bad about how it ended up, the closeness brings them back to the present and grounds them.

Picture This - Unconditional

This one just makes my heart sing.

//This magic, I don't know what it is but we have it

Even when we're sleepless and damaged

I don't doubt it

We're holding on//

That’s exactly it.

//Baby I wish we could take this feeling

And put it away somewhere safe

'Til we need it

Unconditional

I'm so afraid of losing your love//

They don’t need big words. But they feel it, all right. Whether they are aware of it or not. And they are afraid of losing each other, now that they know how easily that could happen.

//Shivers running down my back with your fingers

The smell of your perfume it lingers

And whispers

What I want you to say

Under your skin, underdressed under covers

We bring out the best in each other

Two lovers finding our way//

The kiss, the touch, the skin on skin contact - some of the most powerful reminders that, for now, they’re safe.

BANNERS - Start a riot

But it’s not always about going all the way, because sometimes you just need to be held. And this song just speaks to me of all that tenderness, all the feelings clenching the heart so much they’re unable to say a word, just want to keep each other as close as they can. Just to make sure they’re really there.

//I will march down an empty street like a ship into the storm

No surrender, no retreat

I will tear down every wall

Just to keep you warm

Just to bring you home

I will burn this city down for a diamond in the dust

I will keep you safe and sound when there's no one left to trust

Will you take my hand?

We can make our stand

If your world falls apart

I'd start a riot

If night falls in your heart

I'd light the fire

In the dark, when you sound the alarm

We'll find each other's arms

For your love, all you are

I'd start a riot//

The lyrics are so beautiful, and there’s so much longing there, and the promise to protect each other, to be there for each other, to face whatever life might throw their way together.

Yeah, it makes me emotional, I absolutely love it. Speaking of emotional--

Chapter 7: Stone Sour - Wicked game - acoustic, live

When Spotify recommended this one to me, I almost skipped it. I’ve heard it a million times in different versions and I thought that there’s nothing to be found there. Oh, was I wrong.

I knew what was going to happen in the chapter - Mahir is about to confront R, surprised by what he sees. And he can clearly recognize that they’re idiots in love, even if they’re trying to lay low in the company. He knows what happened to R, why she’s so cautious and reluctant when it comes to any relationships that are more than simple hookups.

//The world was on fire and no one could save me but you

It's strange what desire will make foolish people do

And I never dreamed that I'd meet somebody like you

And I never dreamed that I'd lose somebody like you//

Because that’s how it started, right? With desire. One could argue that our duo had solid banter before that, respect and understanding, all those things, sure. But ultimately, that was all that sexual tension, sparked by the playful teasing, that pushed them into each other’s arms in the first place.

//No, I don't want to fall in love

With you, with you

What a wicked game to play, to make me feel this way

What a wicked thing to do, to make me dream of you//

And when Reader finally lets the thought in and it dawns on her that she is, in fact, in love - she goes into full panic. Not because she feels it’s unrequited, god, she’s not stupid, nor blind (too soon?). But she’s mad at herself that she allowed this to happen. She’s afraid that she’ll get hurt, and to avoid that, she has to run away. And that’s gonna hurt Neil as well, and she can’t stand that, hates herself for that, but she’s so scared that she can’t think of any other solution.

Before we get to that, however, there’s a bit more softness to be shared.

Lewis Watson - Little light

//And all this shade is, illuminating

And all those love lines, are taking shape

And all my worries, disintegrating

And I've been waiting, I've been waiting

And all my days were young and wasted

When I was waiting, oh for you

And all the plans that I've been chasing are always fading

But ever since I found you

A little light is breaking through//

Gotta admit, I had this one hidden in the playlists of other chapters, because it captures that feeling when your chest is filled with light and you’re simply happy. It ended up here, because it’s this feeling when R is melting a little inside when she looks at Neil, when she’s in his arms. And how Neil feels, too.

X Ambassadors - Renegades

Funny, I had this song for both times the team appears in the story. There’s this sense of camaraderie to it that I wanted to capture, when you’re with a bunch of people who are like family to you. You can tease them all you want, but at the same time you’d go into battle with them, knowing that you can count on them to have your six.

//Long live the pioneers

Rebels and mutineers

Go forth and have no fear

Come close and lend an ear

…

All hail the underdogs

All hail the new kids

All hail the outlaws

Spielbergs and Kubricks

It's our time to make a move

It's our time to make amends

It's our time to break the rules

Let's begin//

I wanted R to have a taste of that. To let her know that she’s appreciated for helping with the mission. To get to know them all better, and to make amends with TP, of sorts.

I didn’t want to make his motivation clear. He wouldn’t tell her that he knows how the story ends. That he can’t help that, deep down, irrationally, he made her responsible for it. Even if she’s not the one to blame. (And I don’t believe he let’s that happen, in the end, because that’s too much angst, even for me - again, fuck you, Mr Nolan, sir)

Corey Taylor, Dave Grohl, Rick Nielsen, Scott Reeder - From can to can’t

Christ almighty, this one is so raw! The emotional progression in here just blows my mind.

//Under the water

It's cold and it's grey

My torrid autumn

Another season decays

Open up the Hollow

And my walls come down

I tell you it's a problem

Just when no one's around

But then

I know what's wrong

God, you complicated everything

I know you're gone, gone, gone

This is where I will draw my line

I will draw my line//

To me, it’s the scene with R having a breakdown in the bathroom, and then somehow finding the solution. She has a plan, and enough strength and determination to pull through, at least for a moment.

Chapter 8: Dan Owen - Hideaway

I found this song by accident, and I almost screamed at how perfect it is for the finale (and then screamed for the second time when my dearest friend @connie-nikas casually sent me this exact song one day saying that it sounds like something I’d enjoy). The intensity just tears your heart out and makes you struggle to draw a breath, there’s something desperate to it, and I knew that it would be my go-to song for the part where R sleeps with Neil, trying one last time to drown all the pain and sorrow in his closeness.

I could just paste all the lyrics, to be honest, because that’s exactly what’s happening in the scene.

//It's a long way down

I keep backing away from the edge

And it's a slow burnout

Like the fires that rage in my head

And it's a slow cry out

When you've got so many tears you could die

And it's a long time to wait

When you take all my tears away//

Oh, she’s on the verge of tears, all right. Knowing quite well that as soon as Neil picks on them, he’s gonna stop to make sure she’s okay. That once he starts asking questions, she’s gonna fall into pieces, unable to lie to him.

//My body is colder

Time is frozen

All these feelings have poisoned my soul

And in silence no I can't stand it

Please break these chains and hell I can

Hideaway//

She’s scared that if she’s left alone with her thoughts, they will break her and make her stay. What she fears most (besides that she’s gonna end up betrayed, alone and heartbroken) is how Neil’s gonna react to her actions. The last thing she wants is to hurt him. She just hopes that maybe if she leaves now, it’s not gonna be as painful as it would be if she stayed a bit longer. That maybe he’s not fallen in too deep.

//You're my one way out

And my tears won't save me now

Save me now

I can't stand it

All this loneliness I feel

I can't do this alone

I need someone to remind my feelings

That I've fallen down by the door

It's a long way down and my tears won't save me now

It's a long way down

I keep backing away from the edge

And it's a slow burnout

Like the fires that rage in my head//

Macy Gray - I try

One of the first songs that came to my mind when I was composing the playlist for the series. It may be a tad too upbeat for my liking, hah, but parts of the lyrics are spot on, and it had to be there.

//I try to say goodbye and I choke (Yeah)

I try to walk away and I stumble

Though I try to hide it, it's clear

My world crumbles when you are not near

Goodbye and I choke (Yeah!)

I try to walk away and I stumble

Though I try to hide it, it's clear

My world crumbles when you are not near//

It makes me think of the time when they’re in the car. She’s going over the plan, kinda skipping the moment she’d have to say goodbye to Neil. That’s the unbearable part. And when he asks an innocent question and touches her, she crumbles and jokes. Partly to distract him from prodding further, but mostly to distract herself. I didn’t plan on them getting all worked up there, it...happened, but I figured it made for a decent ground for what was about to go down in the hotel room.

Belle Mt. - Hollow - acoustic

//She told me she was hollow

That's far from what I see//

That feeling you get when everything is too much and it leaves you hollow because you can’t take it anymore. A safety mechanism of sorts. It kicks in with Reader, and of course, Neil can sense that something is off. He hopes it’s just her being tired, he knows how she feels after spending too much time with people.

//I told her she was special

She almost let me in

But she couldn't bear the thought of digging up the heart that she's been burying//

We already know it. The thing is - Neil doesn’t. They haven’t really talked about it. Well, they did after the first night, but with all the things that happened later… and with how much affection she shows him? He doesn’t have a reason to suspect something this big.

//Lonely is her favourite

If only I could change it

If I could only save her

But sometimes she's lost, sometimes she's broken

Sometimes she's closed, sometimes she's open

Sometimes she's stone-cold, times she's on fire

Mostly she's everything I desire

Lonely is her favourite place to be//

Galleaux - Tether me

I had it on repeat when I was writing that part when R collapses in Neil’s arms when they’re in bed. Did I mention that I didn’t want Reader to be this emotional in the first part of the chapter? I thought she’d be more distant. Numb, even, here and there slipping up but holding it together until the very end. And then she does that. But it was Neil’s reaction that left me all 🥺. Not only me, apparently, because she let out so much there. I think my heart broke a little when she gave me that make love to me/love me/ never let me go part.

//In this space, do I belong?

It's dark out here in my own thoughts

Pull me back, out of my body

I'm tied to my limbs

They're spinning me out of control

Tether me//

And the way the music builds up only to blow up at 3:11, heavens, and those vocals! It just takes my breath away, fits so well there.

Nothing But Thieves - Lover, please stay

There can’t be a series playlist without Nothing But Thieves! And it’s another song Chels sent me. The way it broke me-- bloody hell. It’s that gentle guitar, it’s the raw emotions in the vocals, and those lyrics! It rips my heart out, in the best way possible.

It’s for that part where Neil falls asleep and R breaks down, fully realizing what she is about to do.

//Lover, I know you're weary

Eyes are tired from the night

Lover, come to the kitchen floor

Tiles are cold, so am I//

You bet your ass she’s having flashbacks to those moments on the cold tiles, but in her bathroom.

//Lover, I feel your sorrow pouring out of your skin

And I don't wanna be alone

If I am tonight, I'll always be//

Lonely might be her favourite place to be, but losing Neil by her own decision hurts more than she thought possible.

//So take from me what you want, what you need

Take from me whatever you want, whatever you need

But lover, please stay with me, oh//

You know what’s the worst, though? As if that scene was not heartbreaking enough, my brain decided to remind me how much it parallels part 7 from Stuck in reverse. Yep. ✨Pain.✨

Foo Fighters - Home

When she walks to her apartment. Crying. Broken. Missing him already.

//Wish I were with you

But I couldn't stay

Every direction

Leads me away

Pray for tomorrow

But for today

All I want is to be home//

About to leave for good.

This is the bit that prompted the final conversation. What even is home to her? Living the way she does, it never was something important. I struggled with that idea, I thought it’s too sweet. But Neil, the stubborn ass that he is, didn’t want to give me anything else, so it stayed - and in the end, I’m happy that it did.

BANKS - Someone new

Okay, this one is perfect with its sadness and longing, but it’s a hit and miss when it comes to lyrics. Take a look -

//I can love you desperately

Though your love ain't guaranteed

Oh, I wish you knew the deal

Gotta learn from far away

And I simply needed space

Space for me to be

And I think you need it too

Though I know you call me selfish for assuming

I did this for you too//

This, this, all of this! You see it, right?

//Everything I do, I'm gonna think of you

Don't know what else to do//

Well, one could argue that they could just talk it through without all the drama, but hey, where’s the fun in that? And running away really seems like the best option to R.

//And please don't fall in love with someone new

I promise one day I'll come back for you//

And here it’s off because I don’t think she plans on going back. So she wouldn’t want him to not fall in love with someone else, because why would she? He deserves to be happy.

//Oh, you say you hate me now and you burn me with your words

Calling me a fool

Saying that I've fucked up everything

And you'll never forgive me//

See, I have a few options for what to do when Neil finds her at the riverside. I knew one thing though - it would never be a full-blown argument and accusations. At first (and when I say first I mean before I actually started writing chapter 1, because I already had the last scene plotted out by then), I thought Neil would be calm, with a kind of “I know you love me too, silly, so what on earth are you doing?” vibe to him, to R’s annoyance. Then, the story became heavier, and I knew Neil would be worried. Lost. Confused. But never to the point of losing his temper, not after that one time in the bathroom. And that’s what happens in that scene. He doesn’t know what to do as he tries to make some sense out of it all.

Agnes Obel - Riverside

//Oh my God I see how everything is torn in the river deep

And I don't know why I go the way

Down by the riverside//

As I mentioned, I knew what I wanted for the final confrontation from the start. That’s why I tried to make that river quite important for both of them, weaving it into the story here and there. That’s why they instinctively go there.

Billy Raffoul - Dark four door

There’s this sad acceptance in this song that just breaks my heart. It makes me think about the moment when Neil wakes up and sees that she’s gone. How he doesn’t know what’s going on, and how his mind slowly connects all the things that felt strange, but he’s unwilling to accept it until he checks Reader’s place. And much it costs him to keep it together when he sees that the bag is gone.

//You got up, you felt you should

I keep trying to myself I would've done the same had I could

I never thought that you would//

Chris Cornell - Before we disappear

Whenever I hear this song, I think of Neil standing there with Reader, hurt, trying to understand what went wrong.

//So how hard can it be to share your life with me?

How hard can it be to rise with me each morning?//

Dermot Kennedy - A closeness

The last one by Dermot. If that isn’t their conversation--

//Keeping her bright eyes focused on the coastline, waiting for you

Isn't she all of us pining for that last kiss

A permanent truth, a means to get through//

Why does she stay up for so long in their spot? Does she subconsciously count on him to show up? Unable to let go, once and for all?

//Deep into the night, eyes closing

Heart swollen with my loving for you

A solid embrace, kind face

And then the hurt starts leaving the room, followed by goons

Sometimes it's open wide and lights the road at night

You've got a heart like the moon

Gather courage, if you're doing something, do it

'Cause she got to go soon//

And when Neil sees her, he wants nothing more than to hug her, he’s so relieved. But then she snaps at him, and he can’t believe that she’d actually think that he planted a bug on her to track her. It’s another wound he didn’t expect, but he waits for her to explain her actions before he lets out how much it all affected him.

Ryan McMullan - Outcry

I was close to making this one a title song for the chapter because as Hideaway sounds like it was written for the time they make love, this one is for the time Neil asks why she left.

//You came a long way to see me

So don't you run off, baby stop pretending that you're fine

What's the point that you're making

Tell me what it is that's going 'round inside your mind

If in doubt, don't fake it

I have known you long enough to know that you can't lie

If you're in love don't be ashamed of it

'Cause even angels fall for demons//

God, of course he saw that she wasn’t alright that night, but she seemed so sure about what she needed that moment that he decided not to push her - they had all the time in the world, he could ask her about it in the morning, right?

And Neil knows when she’s hiding behind jokes. That’s why he doesn’t want to play her game when she deflects what he says about the way she was in bed. He wants her to be honest. Especially since he knows what he saw in her eyes, in her actions, when they were together, and he’s sure it all must have meant something to her.

//I've heard stories, but they're jaded

So give me something more

I only know what I've been told

But I can tell that you're frustrated

And I won't ever pry, I'll only be a hand to hold

If you tell me you're hurting

I'm hurting too, yeah

Don't tell me you're fine - unless you're fine

I'll wait for the outcry

Whenever there is something weighing on your mind//

And Neil knows he can’t pressure her, that’s why he just stands with her and waits. Sweeping his mind over and over again for anything that could have prompted this whole mess.

//If you feel like leaving

Then maybe it's for the best

Or if you feel like you've given in

Oh, give yourself a chance

If you feel like crying

Oh please don't hold it in

If you feel like reaching out oh

Let me in//

His heart is aching when he hears her reason why she feels like she has to leave. That’s when he touches her. To pull her back from her head to something real. To remind her that nothing has changed. That he’s there, and not going to let her go that easily. That he loves her, because he needs her to hear it, so she knows for sure. And when she tears up, there’s only one desperate plea in his mind.

Gavin James - Hard to do

One heavy hitter after another, and this is another killer. The longing in Gavin’s voice clenches your chest and you just want to hide in somebody’s arms.

//Oh, I've been thinking that I don't wanna leave

This house isn't home to me

I'm tired of losing everyone I see

Now that you're here, it's a hard thing to do

Trying to hold on//

Does she really want to leave? She feels she has to, but god, if only she knew for sure her heart is safe, she would stay with him forever. The problem with life is - you can never be so sure. And when Neil shows up… it takes everything, even unreasonable anger, to keep her together.

//Maybe I don't believe that I don't wanna run

But two hearts are better than one

You say you'll stick around but I'll be gone

Oh, I'll be gone

It's a hard thing to do, trying to hold on//

Reader knows that it’s gonna be nearly impossible to walk away now. And she’s afraid.

//Oh, but I need you

Far more than I ever want you

It's such an unnatural thing we do

When falling in love's just so hard to do

Hard to do//

She can’t bring herself to look at him after she tells him what’s going on with her. But when Neil touches her and takes her hand, she can’t keep it inside anymore. Then he tells her that he loves her, and everything floods her at once. Fear. Guilt. Love. All that combined with his simple plea is enough to finally make her give in.

Damien Rice - I don’t want to change you

I had it on repeat since the moment Neil touched her. The softness of what happens there, melting the barriers once and for all.

//Wherever you are

You know that I adore you

No matter how far

Well, I can go before you

And if ever you need someone

Well, not that you need helping

But if ever you want someone

Know that I am willing//

He’s there for her. Always has been, always will be.

//Oh, and I don't want to change you

I don't want to change you

I don't want to change your mind//

Here. I think that’s what is really important about them and their relationship.

//I've never been with anyone

In the way I've been with you

But if love is not for fun

Then it's doomed

'Cause water races

Water races down the waterfalls//

Lucy Spraggan - Run

Ha, this kinda feels like an end-credits song, don’t you think?

//I just to run to the end of the world

Just to see if it's possible

I don't care what I've been told

I want to run to the end of the world

I'm going to run,run,run

Bye bye problems

Run 'til the road hits the sea

You better run,run,run

If you want to be free//

Granted, she didn’t run off without Neil, but found a way to run with him instead. There’s that heart-bursting light and freedom in this song, I think it captures that happiness they found, working it all out in the end.

//I wanna feel invincible

One more mile out of principle

I want to see the whole damn world

One cross road can change it all//

Travelling the world. Doing what they like most. Together.

------

Quite a journey that was.

Thank you all for taking it with me.

#long nights #long nights playlist #bts long nights

[fuckassbitchboy]

i fucken hate being asked to behave. i hate the word, i hate the statement, i hate it with every inch of my being. specifically in a school setting.

behaving is just suppressing bad behaviors that authority doesn't like. it is telling me that you will be upset if i do something wrong. that i have to walk on eggshells to keep you happy because you don't like who i am or how i am.

Behave. Dont move too much. don't be too loud. dramatic. hyper. chatty. drama queen.

pay attention and answer the question. don't think too hard just answer the question. answer right or don't answer at all. the embarrassment.

"leave me alone" is rude but "stop humming it's annoying" isn't.

a specific quote stuck with me from Brittany. and it was 'we only sing in music class, okay?' like she was better than me. she also pretended to be my friend but that's an issue for another day.

sometimes i think i work myself up on purpose just to feel something. the positive isn't enough. it doesn't break anything. anger, sadness, and bitterness break everything. my skin, mind, heart. relationships.

i want to wake up one day and be able to say i love being alive but im so scared to even try to get better. im so scared of change when it comes to myself. What if i lose myself. what if i lose my stability?

and when i was in kindergarten i was never able to go outside to play because i didn't do my homework ever (that was before i got my adhd meds in 3rd)

i actually got an award in 2nd grade for always pulling through.

the only bee havin award i got was in kindergarten for god knows what and i was so happy i skipped all the way to the office. i got back and got scolded for 'running in the halls' even though sir dude wasnt even in the hallway.

then i proceeded to never get an award after that. it wasn't on purpose. i cried last year of elementary school because i didn't get a Dynamite award or anything. wasn't good enough. didn't socialize with the teachers often enough. wasn't enough. barely ever got even a participation certificate, like when i did chorus fest.

i was also known as '(insert Brothers name here)'s sister'. because he made a name for himself. because he's good enough to get the keystone student award. he's good enough to get help. he's good enough.

im. not, apparently.

"you were the only one i ever wanted" you just wanted to prove you could make a girl. which i guess you fucked that up too. it's been a year and you're still in denial.

i didn't deserve to be hit because you thought i ate your oreos. i didn't deserve to be hit when i said i trust scientists more than my dad with general medical information. "i didn't even hit you that hard" well you shouldn't have hit me at all, you dumb fuck. im your child. not your punching bag. if you cant tell the difference then you shouldn't have had children.

im slowly getting more angry and i wonder when it'll all pop. when do i get to break. when do i get to scream. when do i get to scare people like they scare me on the daily.

also mrs. myers if you're reading this, go to hell. or quit your job. you're a bitch, and i do not regret writing all those pages about you in my vent notebook which you confiscated. you're a bitch and you're bad at your job. I would unplug your life support to charge my 100% charged phone no questions asked. that's just how shitty you are you fucking bitch.

#im okay ish #needed to vent my life story

[old-long-john]

gosh I love your Hozier response! it's not embarrassing at all! I too am total pirate trash, what were you thinking?! :D "It Will Come Back" always hits me the hardest, and since 4x09 I think it fits Silver as well, not literally, but a bit you know. I relate to him so much D: He wanted to be loved as fiercely as /he/ loves, to be put first for once in his life, to get over his trust issues he's had for a while... I'm sorry for rambling, you're the one who's great with words! Like Hozier :)

Dude, you did not just compare me to the Majestical Irish Wolfhound?! Bless you. lost control of her life), that perhaps this was a rare non-BS anon. God knows why anyone who doesn’t watch the show is still following me at this point though. The patience of saints, clearly. 

Oh damn. You’re so right. Now I can cry at that song too. Brilliant. I was going to quote bits, but so much of it is really on point. God, my heart! I might just quote half the damn thing anyway:

I know who I am when I’m aloneI’m something else when I see youYou don’t understand, you should never knowHow easy you are to needDon’t let me in with with no intention to keep meJesus Christ! Don’t be kind to me.Honey don’t feed me - I will come back.It can’t be unlearnedI’ve known the warmth of your doorwaysThrough the cold, I’ll find my way back to youOh please, give me mercy no more!It’s a kindness you can’t afford!I want you baby tonight, as sure as you’re born

You’ll hear me howling outside your door.

Well then. Ouch. 

‘He wanted to be loved as fiercely as /he/ loves‘. I may or may not have a post in my drafts in defence of Silver that’s probably not going to see the light of day, but one of my points in the tags on it was that both Flint and Silver, when they love, love with absolute abandon, and it’s so incredibly dangerous, to themselves and to everyone around them. 

I relate to him a hell of a lot too, and for me it’s in the way that, unlike Flint (or perhaps not so unlike him at all, actually), Silver holds everyone and everything at arms length and refuses to feel anything at more than a surface level, because it’s so overwhelming and painful when he does feel things that it spins him for a loop and he has no idea how to act rationally under the influence of those feelings. He persists in that refusal for two full seasons, until he suddenly doesn’t any more, and it’s just as overwhelming and painful as expected, but once he has that closeness and love and loyalty that are often leading him to make irrational choices, he can’t give them up unless he spins them into equally powerful negative emotions. For someone so morally grey, he seems to feel in rather a black and white way. It’s either nothing, or everything. I really, really empathise. It gives you whiplash. 

(Speaking of which, thinking of his murder romp through skeleton island as the result of a breakup based on a perceived betrayal, things suddenly made a lot of sense. I’m definitely not the only one who’s managed to go from feeling positive about a person to utterly despising them at 1000mph when they acted like a twat during a breakup. It’s amazing how your brain can spin on a dime if you want it to.)

But yes, good song choice! That’s another one I tend to forget and periodically rediscover and love, but it’ll have all sorts of new meaning now. It also happily fits in with my denial views that one day Silver will feel compelled to find Flint again. Or, I guess, go looking for his treasure out of some mistaken idea that he’ll be able to reclaim any of the things he learned when he knew the warmth of Flint’s doorways. Damn.

#black sails spoilers #is this John Silver's People Club Anon? #I'll tag you anyway just in case #John Silver's People Club anon #I can untag if not