#(shadow voice) something transgender just happened to me

[98chao]

#(shadow voice) something transgender just happened to me #sonic the hedgehog #sth #shadow the hedgehog #maria robotnik #do not tag as ship or else ill bite you #my art #clip studio paint #2024

[alexissara]

Baldur's Gate 3 - Amazing and Sometimes Awful [Quick Review]

Baldur's Gate 3 is a herculean feat of game development with amazing voice acting work spread across it's many many hours, fantastic character designs, interesting gameplay and more. It also suffers from D&Ds character progression systems, the way the games worlds are set up, and the system of true RNG that it is emulating. Beyond that the game despite it's own beauty is extremally buggy and faces significant late game performance issues. However, the game does some stand out things for queerness that a lot of other RPGs fail at. This game is a mixed bag that might also be game of the year.

With over 122 hours logged into the game I feel fairly confident in my ability to access what I experienced but given how big of an undertaking it is I genuinely think someone else's experience may be different. I chose to not side with either the grove or the goblins and moved onto act 2 without doing that and that may have added to the count of bugs but the fact that was an option means that it isn't "My fault" that I experienced so many bugs on my playthrough. I had party members despawning, quests saying I could do something that I couldn't do because the NPCs were not in the area they were supposed to be, getting ques for things that should have went into act 3 that were missing, in the end of act 3 characters missing from the end bits and at the very end textures just all vanishing for my last few hours.

I didn't really get to experience the romance the game had to offer. I started a fling with Lae'zel which apparently locked me out of most other romances but randomly gave me a Wyll Romance scene, a man I never deployed not once the whole game. I realized playing the game I didn't long rest enough and missed out on my chance to romance Shadow Heart whom I really wanted to romance and even though I broke things off with Lae'zel I could never progress a romance with Shadowheart, Karlache or Minthara. I want to feel this romances and see everything they have to offer but sadly the game denied me this.

The game lacks body diversity and the limited pallet of faces feels too limited in character customization. There is sadly no time in which despite being able to have a trans body I am able to talk to someone about being trans that I found not am I ever able to reject a romantic advance by stating my sexuality or disinterest in a gender. Instead it is taken as read that I am bisexual and that I am rejecting them for them and not because like from the onset they weren't on the table for my desires. I am however, not a bisexual but a lesbian and I would love to be able to say that.

That said this game does make strives to doing something I've not really seen other games do with playsexual characters which is to make them have queer history. I didn't get every characters backstories but I did get backstories for Astrian and for Shadowheart which both imply that previous to our adventures they had mostly been with their own gender. Astrian has a litany of male lovers which he courted and gave to his master, he seems to prefer men and he describes his attraction to them. Meanwhile, Shadowheart seems to have had a girlfriend before her memories were removed, perhaps an ex that was a Transgender Woman who turned to Sharr although this is more subtextual than Astrian's due to her memory loss.

These little bits of queer history make them feel much more lived and their sexualities not feel like it was because I am super special but because they are earnestly queer and I happened to have the kind of personality and body their attracted to. There is also some amount of queer NPCs not tied to our PCs although they are in the minority in a majority heteronormative cast.

The game does make some strives to fix some of the things that are terrible about D&D removing the alignment system allowing for characters to simply exist in a much more complex moral web than a box of 9 check marks for morality lets you do and a toning down of racial abilities which helps lessen D&Ds inherent eugenics. However, it does not escape D&D's racism problem with the game mostly having a lot of the characters be racist good and bad and not having counter examples of races like Goblins being good or like an important good drow or something. The companions "Racial" make up are very classic fantasy squad. 2 Elves, 2 half elves, 3 humans, 1 Drow, 1 Gith. In terms of race as we see it in the real world we got one black character and everyone else is pretty white or are a fantasy skin color and white coded maybe baring Lae'zel but idk what Lae'zel's culture is supposed to represent if there is a real world equivalent. Of course also everyone in the world able bodied and skinny or maybe if they are the right race buff. I haven't seen everyone fuck but it appears to me that everyone is cisgender. The game can't do everything but I certainty wish the game did more. The probably most offensive to me being the promoted and marketed Polyamory simply not existing and came from their own misunderstanding of the word, you can fuck around you at least in my experience can't be in multiple committed romantic relationships. That should be fixed given they marketed the game and I don't even need them to address each other just allow it to happen since it was sold to me on the idea I could kiss multiple girls romantically.

There is a total sense of wonder in doing the game thing in new ways and seeing all the ways you can handle situations and all the different outcomes. From multiple files to save scum stuff to hearing people talk about their runs I've seen tons of different ways even my highly buggy end game which did not run well I could see where if it wasn't having all the running issues I had I would have been blown away by all the options they gave me for the last 3 battles of the game. I still thought it was really cool even when it was bugging out. The game constantly threw fun new things at you, little challenges, great moments of roleplaying where it feels like your choices mattered and you could do something cool to get out of a situation. This game might be the game that has most successfully captured the magic of roleplaying in a video game.

The characters being a stand out factor in this in that I found several of the characters to be highly compelling even one man which if you know me is a massive accomplishment. I found Astrian's plot to be really captivating, I really loved Shadowheart's story, I thought some of the NPC stories were really well done too, as a character focused story teller I loved the character work that went into even characters I wasn't particularly in love with. Everyone feels like they can grow and grow in different ways too for bad or for good and often even pretending a pretty objectively bad choice can be flavored with enough deniability to understand why someone might make that choice as a character and not just like because video game let me choice bad choice. I think the characters stories make up a coherent theme I really wanna dive more into but will be restrained on here. They all deal with control. Everyone is dealing with different levels of someone's strings on them and a different relationship to those strings. How those relationships change and evolve over time is really compelling and how they compare to each other is really great. Overall, I love BG3, I think it might be my favorite game I played so far this year [but I do have a backlog, Stray Gods, En Garde!, Super Lesbian Animal RPG] and one of my favorite games in general. IF not for it's massive file size I think it's a game I'd keep installed all year round and just randomly jump into all the time. For now I am still playing, still enjoying but more than anything I am hoping by the time I beat the game a second time it is a lot smoother. If you enjoyed this kind of One Take review let me know, I wanted to try my Yuri manga format for a video game review because nobody reads my game reviews but I felt like I wanted to talk about the game. So instead of putting the huge amounts of work into the review like I normally do I wanted to just try this. If you did enjoy it one way to let me know is by supporting me on Patreon or Ko-fi or you can just reblog or comment. I might revisit the game with a more in depth review or looks more in depth at how it handles queerness or about the story and other stuff like that.

#BG3 #baulders gate 3 #Quick Review #Review #Game Review #Queer #Queer Review

[coochiequeens]

“Just two athletes took so many opportunities away from biological females,” Mitchell told The Post. “Even though there were only two of them, they took 15 state championships away from other girls — and there were 85 girls that were directly impacted from them being in the races.”

“At the end of the day, this is just about fairness,” Chelsea Mitchell told The Post. “This is about biology.”

The 20-year-old is fighting for the integrity of women’s sports after she lost more than 20 races over the course of her high school career — thanks to a Connecticut policy that allows transgender athletes to compete in girls’ sports.

Now, Mitchell, who has declared herself “the fastest girl in Connecticut,” is challenging her state’s policy in court.

Mitchell is teaming up with fellow Connecticut residents Selina Soule, 20, Ashley Nicoletti, 19, and Alanna Smith, 19, who ran high school track in the state at the same time she did.

The four are suing the Connecticut Association of Schools and the Connecticut Interscholastic Athletic Conference, seeking to overturn a policy that allows transgender athletes to compete in accordance with their gender identity rather than their biological sex.

“I wanted to give voice to my story and help other girls out there so that they wouldn’t have to experience this,” she said.

Chelsea realized her potential as a runner when she broke two school records in her first meet as a freshman at Canton High School in 2016.

“Since then I just kept going with it and got better and better,” she recalled. “Track is really just about hitting those long-term goals that you’ve set for yourself.”

For her, those goals were winning a state championship and going to college for track.

But in her first statewide competition, she was forced to compete against a transgender athlete — something she said she “had never really heard of” until it happened to her.

In that race, the trans competitor bumped her out of qualifying for the next round of competition. 

“It was just obvious to everyone there that they had a huge advantage. Everyone could see it,” Mitchell said.

By her sophomore year, she says, there were two transgender athletes regularly blowing biologically female track stars out of the water. 

Mitchell raced against them in all four years of high school and in every major race she competed in.

“Just two athletes took so many opportunities away from biological females,” Mitchell told The Post. “Even though there were only two of them, they took 15 state championships away from other girls — and there were 85 girls that were directly impacted from them being in the races.”

She herself lost two all-New England awards and four girls’ state championships as a consequence.

“Having to lose four of them, time after time, and trying to pick yourself up and go back to the starting line again and again was really hard because you knew each time that there was no hope to win,” she said.

In her junior year, she filed a Title IX complaint against the state’s policies but remained anonymous for fear that exposure might hurt her college recruitment prospects.

But by senior year, she had “reached a breaking point” and came out of the shadows to file her lawsuit with Selina Soule and Alanna Smith. 

“It was like, if I don’t speak up for myself, who else is going to speak up for me? As much as I wanted the coaches and administrators to speak up, at the end of the day, they weren’t.”

Today, Mitchell is running track as a college senior (she declined to disclose where she goes to school for privacy reasons), but she said she’ll never know how the dings to her record impacted her recruitment and scholarship prospects.

“When colleges looked at me, they didn’t see a winner. They saw a second- or third-place,” she said. “I wasn’t a first-place finisher, and I think that’s what really hurt me.”

On June 6, her argument will be reheard before the full Second Circuit Court of Appeals in New York City after a three-judge panel of the Second Circuit ruled against it in December. 

“We’re hopeful that the court will declare that this Connecticut policy violates Title IX,” said Mitchell’s lawyer Matt Sharp of Alliance Defending Freedom. “We’re asking for the court to recognize the damage done to Chelsea and the other athletes, and to restore their record and the credit that they rightfully worked hard to earn.”

In their filing with the Second Circuit, the athletes request that the court order that their athletic records be updated to reflect the titles and rankings they would have earned had trans athletes not been competing against them. 

The filing argues that “courts routinely recognize student athletes’ ongoing interest in vindicating the records they’ve earned.”

Mitchell said her legal battle is more important now than ever as stories like hers pop up around the country.

Just last week, two transgender athletes were no-shows at a California high school women’s preliminary track and field state championship, citing concern over public backlash to their recent races.

As a result, the two biological female runners who otherwise would have qualified were not able to compete. 

“I filed this lawsuit back in 2020, and so I think it’s sad that this is still happening,” Mitchell said.

But, as her legal battle stretches into its third year, she is holding out hope and watching a coalition build around her.

“We were the first girls to speak out about this issue, but now there are so many more girls speaking out about their own experiences and standing up with us,” she said. “The more of us there are, the easier it gets.”

This could all be solved by either creating a third category for people who want to identify has something besides their bio sex or just have the men’s catering be open.

#USA #connecticut #save women’s sports saturday #Chelsea Mitchell is the fastest girl in Connecticut #Save Title IX #Connecticut Association of Schools #Connecticut Interscholastic Athletic Conference #Protect Women’s Sports

[shinraapologist]

time to ante up to the promised essay in your shinra post on which characters in drrr are autistic. NOW

short answer they all are. long answer with receipts under the cut (sources: my autistic ass)

mikado- has trouble navigating social situations and responding "appropriately" to them, and his vocal inflection that doesn't necessarily "match" feelings,. his special interest is the dollars and watching the interactions between them and studying what impact his actions have on them. hes just like izaya fr. i feel like the paralels between them dont get talked abt enough. mikado is izaya if he got scared straight at the end of his middle school homoromantic friendship that resulted in him being stabbed instead of going hm. this will have long term consequences on me actually

masaomi- has trouble understanding the motivations and feelings of others. he masks strongly with his confident "ladies man" persona.

anri- she has a lack of vocal inflection, doesnt make eye contact, has trouble navigating social situations, her vocal inflection doesnt necessarily "match" her feelings. she has sensory issues (wears her her hoodie dress because she likes the sensory input, not to little and not too much.) relies on a routine (nothing ever happens nothing ever changes).

celty- uses strong body language yet struggles to read the body language of others. mirrors extensively. she mirrors everyone to a degree but especially shinra and shizuo. this should not be news to anyone just LOOK at them. i love them.

her dramatic body language is 100% mirrored from shinra. since she spends a lot of time with him and he emotes so strongly she's memorized his body language in association with certain emotions and performs them when shes feeling that emotion. (in SH she's even depicted as rolling around on the floor when shes upset, which is something shinra does 18436 times.) is shown to occaisonally wear regular clothes (mostly pajamas) when shes capable of making anything with her shadow which to ME implies she's seeking the sensory input from the soft fabric. she also tends to think in extremes, everything is very black and white for her.

shinra- has trouble regulating his emotions and helps himself regulate by stimming (dancing/wiggling when hes happy, rolling on the ground when hes upset, getting very still when hes concentrating or anxious.) over emotes to match the intensity of his emotions regardless of the situation. his neutral expression and tone of voice are hyper and excitable. has trouble understanding social cues and social norms. wears the lab coat ALL the time to the point that other characters comment on it. not something a neurotypical man does. his special interests are surgery and human anatomy. he genuinely loves his job in part because even though there's an anatomy "standard" no human body ever actually looks like the illustrations. he loves to study the variances he notices in his work and loves to perfect surgical techniques.

shizuo- has trouble regulating his emotions. his neutral expression and tone is said to be flat and without affect. struggles with overstimulation (wears the blue lens sunglasses to avoid the bright sunlight, wears his vest fitted at the chest for the slight compression) (because hes TRANSGENDER and really liked how his binder felt. brought to u by me who had a phase where i was binding unsafely purely for the stim of it. dont do that btw i can no longer bind at all 🤪) he has meltdowns when he gets too overstimulated. he enjoys uneventfullness and routine but from a combination of powers that be and his tendency to escalate situations when hes upset, he doesnt get much of that. escalates situations due to losing his emotional regulation. he also has trouble reading situations as well as trauma that leads him to constantly feel on edge and anxious.

izaya- somehow the only canonically autistic character. he has a strong mask in his usual calm vaugely smug demeanor that slips when he feels strongly about something. (stomping on the cell phone, laughing when he's delighted by human behavior, punching the telephone pole.) he has very black and white thinking that often gets interpreted as being morally grey. (he is btw. literally everyone in drrr is. its the morally grey fucked up characters media idk what you want) he would describe his special interest as humanity (and does, in canon) but its more sociology and human behavior. just like shinra, hes always in that damn coat. autism behavior.

walker and erika- they are autistic in the same font. twins. besties. wear comfortable clothes for sensory reasons (although erika's interest in fashion is enough incentive for her to sometimes dress up despite the sensory issues it causes. me too tho.) both have a special interest their light novels. both dont understand social norms and theyre both aware of that and neither of them care. legends.

saburo- struggles with social interactions. special interests in his van (possibly cars in general) and ruri hijiribe. had no idea he was autistic until he met walker and erika who assumed he already knew. looked at one (1) website and suddenly his whole life made sense.

seiji- his usual speaking voice is very monotone and his facial expressions are typically pretty reserved. like izaya and celty he thinks a lot in black and white.

mairu- her speaking voice is very monotone and she doesnt tend to express her emotions outwardly. she's selectively verbal also. likes her gym clothes for sensory reasons.

kururi- autism/adhd combo platter legend and we love that for her. special interest in martial arts. she doesnt quite get social norms nor does she care.

manami- i dont have solid evidence for this one i just know that is the hairstyle of an autism hero.

kasuka- speaks in a monotone, has one facial expression, doesnt outwardly show his emotions (altho ppl close to him can still read them). doesnt comprehend neurotypical socialization but gets along really really well with other autistic people.

ruri- she is just like kasuka fr. walker and erika moment with these two.

saki- masks really heavily but is bad at it. me too girl. when shes comfortable and not masking she somehow seems less stiff.

akane- really struggles with figures of speech. hates eye contact. special interest in art and drawing and i hope she starts making art again. i love akane thats my child and the entire awakusus child and shizuos child also.

vorona- she speaks in a monotone and HATES eye contact. she gets away with not making any by always looking at her book instead. reading as a special interest. she has an amazing memory.

slon- struggles with figures of speech and emotional regulation.

kasane- also speaks in a monotone. takes everything very literally. another strong black and white thinker. special interest in cats and cat behavior. cats LOVE her. cats always love autistic legends. also the yellow pantsuit? a slay. no nt person would ever pick that up.

dokusonmaru- got it genetically from his father kasuka. also all cats are autistic inherently.

characters that arent autistic but definitely have adhd: KADOTA. aoba. mika. tom. chikage.

#drrr #suggestions welcome #commentary welcome #discussion welcome #(discussion always welcome on any drrr post i make and any post i make in general)

[a-funny-little-sunflower]

i will literally give you my firstborn if you write anything with a yandere sauron and a transman reader

(bonus points if there’s a bit of morgoth there too)

Shadows of Acceptance

Summary

In this Yandere Sauron x trans male reader headcanon, the tale unfolds as the reader courageously discloses their trans identity to the Dark Lord. Sauron's protective instincts arise, leading to a feast in their honor, complete with a special crown and robes. Despite societal norms, Sauron rejects a separate throne, insisting the reader sits in his lap. The story explores trust, acceptance, and love, portraying intimate moments amidst celebrations and discreet gestures of happiness. As their bond deepens, the narrative weaves a unique love story set against the backdrop of Middle-earth, revealing the softer, more tender side of the infamous Dark Lord.

This Fic Includes

Yandere Themes: The fic involves Yandere elements, which may include possessiveness, obsession, and intense emotions.

Transgender Themes: The story explores the experiences of a trans male character, including their coming out and acceptance.

Dark Fantasy Elements: As the story involves Sauron from Middle-earth, be prepared for dark and fantastical settings.

Mention of Violence: Though not explicitly stated, Yandere themes may imply possessive or protective behavior, which could involve mentions of violence.

Mature Content: The fic may contain mature scenes, such as intimate moments between characters.

Depictions of Feasting and Celebration: Some scenes involve feasts and celebrations, which may include descriptions of food and revelry.

Intricate Relationship Dynamics: The story explores complex dynamics, including the power dynamics between the characters.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

When you came out to Sauron about you being trans, you were relaxing in his study as he worked, and in the comfort of the moment you felt yourself have the courage to murmur out, “Sauron, I need to talk to you about something really important…”

· With those words, Sauron’s protective nature immediately kicked in and strode towards you, causing you to look up at him in surprise “What happened my prince? Who hurt you?”

· His soft tone made your heart melt, and it took you a moment for you to gather yourself before you managed to find your voice, “N-no, no one hurt me, it’s just…I just wanted to tell you that… I’m a trans guy.”

· Sauron just stood staring at you for a few moments before he spoke, “What’s your point? You are still my husband and I worship the ground you walk upon….and you don’t scare me like that again…I thought you were going to tell me that you were leaving…”

· Sauron most definitely holds a feast in your honour after you tell him about you being trans, and even has a special crown with matching robes created for you. Although, as much as Sauron loves you, he refuses to have a separate throne made for you, you sit in his lap. Nowhere else.

· During the feast, Morgoth even allowed you to have the seat of honour, because he knew how much this day would mean to both you and Sauron. But to be fair, even if he tried to take the seat off you, he didn’t doubt that Sauron would throw him off it to give it to you.

· The most memorable moment of the feast was when Sauron discreetly raised his goblet, filled with his favourite wine, in your honour, and although it wasn’t obvious to anyone but you, you could tell that he was secretly very happy that you had enough trust in him to tell him something so personal.

· And when the feast finally finishes and you two get a quiet moment together, he makes sure to murmur loving words to you as he presses kisses into your shoulder.

#yandere silmarillion x reader #yandere silmarillion #sauron #mairon #yandere Sauron x reader #yandere sauron #lord of the rings #trans reader #x trans reader #trans man #x trans guy

[crossdreamers]

In Praise of Medieval Lesbians Accidentally Having a Baby

Erik Wade has published a twitter-thread on lesbians  in Medieval Europe. The thread is relevant to all LGBTQA people, because it tells us something about how historians and other writers have censored the history of sexuality and gender in order to make sure that no queer role models remained.

Erik Wade writes:

Here's a AMAZING 12th-century Middle Irish story about lesbians accidentally having a baby. A woman asked the king to determine her baby's father, bc she hadn't sex with a man in a long time. The king asked if she'd had sex with a woman. The woman said yes. 

While they were there, a woman came to the king carrying a boy-child, and put him into the king’s arms. ‘For your kingship and your sovereignty,’ said she, ‘find out for me through your ruler’s truth who the carnal father of this boy is, for I do not know myself. For I swear by your ruler’s truth, and by the King who governs every created thing that I have not known guilt with a man for many years now,’

The king was silent then. ‘Have you had playful mating with another woman?’ said he, ‘and do not conceal it if you have.’ ‘I will not conceal it,’ said she; ‘I have.’ ‘It is true,’ said the king. ‘That woman had mated with a man just before, and the semen which he left with her, she put it into your womb in the tumbling, so that it was begotten in your womb. That man is the father of your child, and let it be found out who he is.’

The king basically says, "Oh, then she must have had sex with her husband beforehand, and the semen fell into your womb during your 'tumbling.'"

Immediately, a MAN FALLS OUT OF THE SKY. He introduces himself as a priest who made a deal with a demon. The demons had been carrying him through the air for 7 years, but they were overhead when the king was speaking, & the truth made the demons scatter, freeing the priest.

While they were there they heard a noise coming towards them out of the sky, and they saw a strange malignant spectre falling to the floor of the assembly, putting men and horses to flight; nobody stayed in the assembly but the king and a few people around him. ‘What are you?’ said the king. ‘A human being,’ said he. “What put you in that plight?’ said the king. ‘I will tell you,’ said he. ‘I am in fact the priest of Inis Bó Finne,' and I had built a house, and there was no craftsman in the world that I thought good enough to make the woodwork. And a demon came to me in the shape of a man, and he made the woodwork in the house, and he would take no payment except that I should bow down to him. And I bowed down to him then, and I was seized by swelling pride and a wave of vainglory and I was caught up into flight and the demons took me away with them, and they have been ruling me for seven years now. But when you gave that fine righteous judgment this morning on the woman who came to plead with you, we happened to be above you at that time. The vapour, then, which arose from you when you became red flew up and scattered the demons in all directions, and they were unable to hold me in the air, so that I fell down through the truth of your rulership — the true judgment vou gave on...

The story's relative lack of criticism of two women having sex is noteworthy, and *once again* suggests that the history of queerness is a lot more complicated than "the Middle Ages were oppressive/homophobic." The king assumes correctly that women often had sex together.

This story appears in several versions after this. It appears in a 15th-century manuscript, in an apologue to a 16th-century bardic poem (written for a famous judge!) and in another 16th-century version. Some of these versions were less explicit, but none condemn the women.

In the 16th-century poem, the woman claims she's never had sex with a man and the King asks if she's ever "play[ed]" with another woman, laying beside her or letting her "lie between [her] thighs." The woman says yes, and the king says that woman's husband is the father.

‘Be in no doubt regarding anything that I say to you; even if it were not considered [possible], o king, no man has ever sinned with me.’

‘Did you ever,’ said Niall, ‘please confirm this for me, engage in [erotic fore-]play with another woman; did she ever place her body side by side with your fair body, or did she ever lie between your thighs?’

The lady admitted to the king in a soft regal voice: ‘It happens that such [a woman] did indeed lie in my bed, if that be a sin,’

Then spoke the high-king of swift intellect: ‘find out who is the husband of that woman, and I swear to you by God’s great will that he is the father of your only son.’

The part considered too risque to discuss is the semen, NOT the women having sex together. Later, in the 20th century, people refused to translate these texts because of the women having sex with each other. That was a *modern* anxiety, not a medieval one.

The second 16th-century version (this one in prose) is my FAVORITE, because, in this version, the woman tells the king that her lover had sex with her bc her lover's husband couldn't satisfy her (unlike the woman, who def could).

It was Niall Frasach son of Fergal son of Mdel Duin, high king of Ireland, who made the famous judgement for the woman regarding her child at the fair of Tailtiu, when she said that she did not know who the father of her child was, and she swore that she had no husband and that he (the father?) had not been shown to her in a dream. Niall asked had another woman lain with her. “Yes,’ said she. ‘What did she want with you?” ‘Her husband had lain with her,’ said she, ‘and she was not satisfied by him and she lay with me to quench her desire.’ ‘True,’ said Niall; ‘the semen which her husband left with her, she left with you, so that that man is the father of your child.”

In that moment the people attending the fair were shadowed by a dark cloud of demons above them in the air, and one of the demons fell to the ground in Tailtiu in front of the men of Ireland, i.e. the priest of Inisbofin. And he explained that Niall had been sanctified, and that it was the smoke of that fine judgement which had scattered the demons around him on all sides. And the priest asked Niall to pray on his behalf to deliver him from torment, and Niall did that and it was successful. It was on the night of Niall’s birth that the three showers showered down from Heaven as the poet sang...

There is a LOT happening in this story. The priest sells himself to the devil for nice woodwork, the devils just carry him around for years, etc. But the central claim is that a king's truthful judgment scatters demons. The truth of lesbians drives demons away. 

Screenshots from the below. Translations from Damian Mcmanus's article "Niall Frosach's 'Act Of Truth': A Bardic Apologue In A Poem For Sir Nicholas Walsh" & David Greene's “The ‘Act of Truth’ in a Middle-Irish Story,” Saga och Sed (1976).

I will add, before people scream anachronism, that the term "lesbian" is attested referring to women who have sex with women in the Middle Ages, AND I use it as a deliberate choice of queer historiography, following Valerie Traub, Bernadette Brooten, Anne Lasykaya, etc.

More here!

See also my post on the poem written by a Medieval transgender woman.

#medievaltwitter #medieval #lesbian #lgbt #lgbtqa #bisexual #middle ages

[proudspoonie]

I grew up wanting to be anything but “visible.” I felt/”knew” deep inside that I was broken, “bad”, and a mistake. I did anything and everything I could just to get through day after day after day after day. I was pushed kicking and screaming into “adulthood”, with the terrible trifecta of neurodivergence, addiction, and gender dysphoria. I didn’t want to live, yet somehow I didn’t think I wanted to die. There was an inkling of hope that things would get better. I watched the struggles of people around me. LGBTQIA+. Body issues. Eating disorders. Addiction. Abuse. And those who didn’t survive. I ended up holding on for them. I was a half-assed writer. Maybe, I could help chronicle their stories. Little did I know that this impulse was due to the growth in me that was speaking, albeit in a very small voice, that I had a story too.

Small changes happened when I allowed myself to feel like I had some value. Then the changes kept coming. I started getting involved in the trans community, and something in my soul awakened. A pull from the center of my chest. A feeling that I thought might be hope. This gave me what I needed to continue my journey. Addiction was finally in my rear-view, and has been for over 2.5 years. Counseling helped me unlock ways to get through the days where nothing seemed right.

Today, I am FAR from perfect. I have goals that seem very far away. But I am living authentically. Out of the shadows. Loving, and being loved in return. Healing my body and my heart. Now, I have the blessed obligation to listen to and love those that are hurting like I did years ago. Those who believe that their gender or sexuality is a curse, rather than a reason to live and love authentically.

Life is worth living. Truth is worth telling. The way we make our mark on the world is valid, and valuable.

- scarlet-druidess

- Transgender Day Of Visibility 2022

#tdov2022 #trans day of visibility #trans #transwoman #transfemme #selfie #girlslikeus #lgbtq

[elliotmateo]

My Coming Out Letter

People- I finished my coming out letter! This has come after months of struggling and all, and I'm so, so happy that with this letter, I might have a way forward. I'll post it down here, so that you could maybe use parts of it, or just get inspiration from it for your own letters. I've talked to all the trans guys I know (a grand total of two) and now, all I have to do is give my parents the letter. Everything depends on their reactions.

Dear Dad, Querida Mama.

This letter is very difficult for me to write, but I feel that it is important for me to write it. There is something I have been carrying inside of myself for some time now, and I now feel ready to come to you with it.

A few nights ago, you said that you would love me no matter what. That doesn’t mean support me, and I’m aware of that, but this is who I am, and as much as I wish I could, I can’t change that. I am starting this letter on the third of May, 2021, and I hope to give it to you within the next month. It’s something that I expect to come as not so much a shock, but something that will be difficult for you to understand, and that is okay. That is warranted. I don’t expect you to parade around being happy about it, but I can only ask that you try and understand me, and help me, and most of all, venture forward with an open mind, because the truth is that I need you. You are my parents. I love you.

We should start at the beginning. Roughly a year ago, I made a promise to myself. Even then I knew, but I didn’t want to admit it, I wanted to pretend that my problems weren’t there, I was in denial. I have my faults, but I’ve always been someone you could be proud of, someone you love, and as much as I know that that will always remain, I was and am scared that this will somehow change that. Amidst all that confusion and distress, I made myself a promise, that I will keep. I promised that before the 4th of May 2021 (May the fourth be with you and all), I would start this letter, but only if I was 100% sure. I have arrived at that point, where I know who I am and who I want to be, and I also can’t stay like this, because, simply put, I am in pain. This is the part that I try my best to help you understand what it is to go to school, to live every day. That sounds almost comical. I live in Switzerland. I go to an international school. If I am sick, I can get medical care. I am privileged, and I know that this year, a lot of kids like me writing a similar letter to their parents run the risk of being kicked out, being abused, being killed, even. Those are extreme cases, but I am lucky, and I feel privileged that I am able to share this with you and entertain seemingly realistic thoughts of a future ahead of now, so let me explain.

I might as well come right out with it. I am not a girl. In my head, it’s so plainly obvious to me, and I feel like I’ve never thought of myself as a girl. Looking back at my decisions, it seems like a lot was done to make other people happy, instead of myself. I am not blaming you for occasionally trying to make me wear dresses and other feminine garb, for keeping my hair long, etc. You did what you thought you should do, I assume, and there’s nothing wrong with that. I’ve never really suffered from (in my memory) more than mild discomfort at my appearance, but that really started to worsen as I grew older, eleven, twelve, and now thirteen, when I started to develop more female characteristics, and that’s when this really snowballed. I felt uncomfortable, but I never knew why. I tried to do more feminine things, to pierce my ears, to braid my hair, thinking that I just wanted to be more like the other girls in my class and that I’d soon grow out of it, but that didn’t happen. It got worse. This is around a year ago, when I knew something was off, and now I’ve arrived at the point where I need to do something. I feel like my own life isn’t mine, like every award and accolade, every friend, every teacher I have, know me as someone that I’m not. I feel like it’s getting worse every day, and I struggle to want to start the day and get to school. The clearest way I can describe it is like I’m in a deep well, and above me there’s a ladder that can pull me out, but I can’t reach it. With this letter, I am trying to grasp that first rung, to be able to pull myself up. I hate my appearance, my body, my voice, my height, everything about me that is moderately feminine, and sometimes, it’s really dumb stuff such as my shadow or my clothes fitting wrong. I feel wrong. As I said, it’s been like this for quite some time now, and every day it gets harder to live with myself while having this massive problem hanging over my head. People call me *deadname*, girl, daughter, sister, even *nickname* now hurts to hear. I know it’s hard to understand, but, even I know that it’s not their fault, that they’re not doing it to hurt me, I genuinely find it hard to respond. I hate it. The black and white of it is that I feel male. I see myself as male, but I don’t look male. I am male. I’m transgender.

I know this may be a bit difficult to understand at first, and it may be very new to you, but it is something I have known for some time. I trust you with this information about who I am, and I would like if in return that you start calling me by my chosen name, which is Asher, and using my pronouns, which are he/him, for example: This is my son Asher. He has an unhealthy obsession with chairs!

I plan to come out at school, and my family. I’ve already spoken to another trans man in year 13 who’s graduating this year. His name is Sebastian*, and he came out around the same age I will, and he’s helped me with who to talk to and what they can do. With your consent, I can change my name and email in the system, and depending on the situation and my comfort level, use the male bathrooms. I’d also like to get a masculine haircut, and I’ll start dressing in a way that I feel comfortable in, i.e in male clothing. This is to help me feel more at home in my body as well as the world, and it’s a feeling I hope that you can understand. Regarding the family part, we can talk about the best way to do that and when.

I’m still your child, with the same likes and dislikes – I’ll just be living more authentically as the true me. And I know that you may have some slip-ups calling me *deadname* or using she/her at first, and that is okay. I would just like to know that you are trying your best to learn, understand, and support me. If you do slip up, you don’t have to make a big deal out of it. Correcting yourself is enough for me to see that you care about and respect who I am.

I know you’ve known me all my life as *deadname*. As your daughter. I know that when I was a baby, you were so happy you were having a baby girl. I haven’t changed. I’m still the same person, and I hope that you can begin to see me as your son.

I love you so very much, and I hope that I can have your support throughout my life.

All my love,

Your Son, Asher

*fake name

#lgbtq #lgbtq+ #trans #transgender #transboy #ftm #ftm transgender #trans man #coming out #trans coming out #writing

[geshertzarmeod]

Favorite Books of 2020

I wanted to put together a list! I read 74 new books this year, and I keep track of that on Goodreads - feel free to add or follow me if you want to see everything! I’m going to focus on the highlights, and the books that stuck with me personally in one way or another, in approximate order. Also, all but two of them (#5 and #7 on the honorable mention list) are queer/trans in some way. Links are to Goodreads, but if you’re looking to get the books, I suggest your library, the Libby app using your library, your local bookstore, or Bookshop.

The Faggots & Their Friends Between Revolutions by Larry Mitchell, illus. by Ned Asta (originally published 1977). I had a hard beginning of the year and was in a work environment where my queerness was just not welcomed or wanted. I read this in the middle of all of that, and it helped me so much. I took this book with me everywhere. I read it on planes. I read it on the bus, and on trains, and at shul. I showed it to friends... sometimes at shul, or professional development conferences. It healed my soul. Now I can’t find it and might get a new copy. When I reviewed it, in February, I wrote: “I think we all need this book right now, but I really needed this book right now. Wow. This book is magic, and brings back a sense of magic and beauty to my relationship with the world.” Also I bought my copy last July, in a gay bookstore on Castro St. in SF, and that in itself is just beautiful to me. (Here’s a post I made with some excerpts)

Once & Future duology, especially the sequel, Sword in the Stars, by A.R. Capetta and Cory McCarthy. Cis pansexual female King Arthur Ari Helix (she's the 42nd reincarnation and the first female one) in futuristic space with Arab ancestry (but like, from a planet where people from that area of earth migrated to because, futuristic space) works to end Future Evil Amazon.com Space Empire with her found family with a token straight cis man and token white person. Merlin is backwards-aging so he's a gay teenager with a crush and thousands of years of baggage. The book’s entire basis is found family, and it's got King Arthur in space. And the sequel hijacks the original myth and says “fuck you pop culture, it was whitewashed and straightwashed, there were queer and trans people of color and strong women there the whole time.” Which is like, my favorite thing to find in media, and a big part of why I love Xena so much. It’s like revisionist history to make it better except it’s actually probably true in ways. Anyway please read these books but also be prepared for an absolutely absurd and wild ride. Full disclosure though, I didn’t love the first book so much, it’s worth it for the sequel!

The Wicker King by K. Ancrum. This book hurt. It still hurts. But it was so good. It took me on a whole journey, and brought me to my destination just like it intended the whole time. The author’s note at the end made me cry! The sheer NEED from this book, the way the main relationship develops and shifts, and how you PERCEIVE the main relationship develops and shifts. I’m in awe of Ancrum’s writing. If you like your ships feral and needy and desperate and wanting and D/S vibes and lowkey super unhealthy but with the potential, with work, to become healthy and beautiful and right, read this book. This might be another one to check trigger warnings for though.

The Entirety of The Daevabad Trilogy by S.A. Chakraborty. I hadn’t heard of this series until this year, when a good friend recommended it to me. It filled the black hole in me left by Harry Potter. The political and mystical/fantasy world building is just *chef’s kiss* - the complexity! The morally grey, everyone’s-done-awful-things-but-some-people-are-still-trying-to-do-good tapestry! The ROMANCE oh my GOD the romance. If I’m absolutely fully invested in a heterosexual romance you know a book is good, but also this book had background (and then later less background) queer characters! And the DRAMA!!! The third book went in a direction that felt a little out of nowhere but honestly I loved the ride. I stayed up until 6am multiple times reading this series and I’d do it again.

An Unkindness of Ghosts by Rivers Solomon. I loved this book so much that it’s the only book I reviewed on my basically abandoned attempt at a book blog. This book is haunting, horrifying, disturbing, dark, but so, so good. The character's voices were so specific and clear, the relationships so clearly affected by circumstance and yet loving in the ways they could be. This is my favorite portrayal of gender maybe ever, it’s just... I don’t even have the words but I saw a post @audible-smiles​ made about it that’s been rattling in my head since. And, “you gender-malcontent. You otherling,” as tender pillow talk??? Be still my heart. Be ready, though, this book has all the triggers.. it’s a .

Felix Ever After by Kacen Callender. This book called me out on my perspective on love. Also, it made me cry a lot. And it has two different interesting well-written romance storylines. And a realistic coming-into-identity narrative about a Black trans demiboy. And a nuanced discussion of college plans and what one might do after college. And some big beautiful romcom moments. I wish I had it in high school. I’m so glad I have it now! (trigger warning for transphobia & outing, but the people responsible are held accountable by the end, always treated as not okay by the narrative, and the MC’s friends, and like... this is ownvoices and it’s GOOD.)

The Starless Sea by Erin Morgenstern. My Goodreads review says, “I have no idea what happened, and I loved it.” That’s not wrong, but to delve deeper, this book has an ethereal feeling that you get wrapped up in while reading. Nothing makes sense but that’s just as it should be. You’re hooked. It is so atmospheric, so meta, so fascinating. I’ve seen so many people say they interpreted this character or that part or the ending in all different ways and it all makes sense. And it’s all of this with a gay main character and romance and the central theme, the central pillar being a love of and devotion to stories. Of course I was going to love it.

Fierce Femmes and Notorious Liars: A Dangerous Trans Girl’s Confabulous Memoir by Kai Cheng Thom. “Because maybe what really matters isn’t whether something is true, or false. Maybe what matters is the story itself; what kinds of doors it opens, what kinds of dreams it brings.” This book was so good and paradigm shifting. It reminded me of #1 on this list in the way it turns real life experience and hard, tragic ones at that (in this case, of being a trans girl of color who leaves home and tries to make a life for herself in the city, with its violence), into a beautiful, haunting fable. Once upon a time.

I Wish You All the Best by Mason Deaver. I need to reread this book, as I read it during my most tranceful time of 2020 and didn’t write a review, so I forgot a lot. What I do remember is beautiful and important nonbinary representation, a really cute romance, an interesting parental and familial/sibling dynamic that was both heartbreaking and hopeful, and an on-page therapy storyline. Also Mason Deaver just left twitter but was an absolutely hilarious troll on it before leaving and I appreciate that (and they just published a Christmas novella that I have but haven’t read yet!)

The Truth Is by NoNieqa Ramos. It took a long time to trust this book but I’m so glad I did. It’s raw and real and full of grief and trauma (trigger warnings, that I remember, for grief, death (before beginning of book), and gun violence). The protagonist is flawed and gets to grow over the course of the book, and find her own place, and learn from the people around her, while they also learn to understand her and where she’s coming from. It’s got a gritty, harsh, and important portrayal of found family, messy queerness, and some breathtaking quotes. When I was 82% through this book I posted this update: “This book has addressed almost all of my initial hesitations, and managed to complicate itself beautifully.”

Anger is a Gift by Mark Oshiro.  I wasn’t actually in the best mental health place to read this book when I did (didn’t quite understand what it was) but it definitely reminded me of what there is to fight against and to fight for, and broke my heart, and nudged me a bit closer to hope. The naturally diverse cast of characters was one of the best parts of this book. The romance is so sweet and tender and then so painful. This book is important and well-written but read it with caution and trigger warnings - it’s about grief and trauma and racism and police brutality, but also about love and community.

The Prey of Gods by Nicky Drayden.  This is a sci-fi/fantasy/specfic mashup that takes place in near-future South Africa and has world-building myths with gods and demigoddesses and a trip to the world of the dead but also a genetically altered hallucinogenic drug that turns people into giant animals and a robot uprising and a political campaign and a transgender pop star and a m/m couple and all of them are connected. It’s bonkers. Like, so, so absolutely mind-breaking weird. And I loved it.

Crier’s War and Iron Heart by Nina Varela.  I absolutely LOVE LOVE LOVED the amount of folktales they told each other with queer romances as integral to those stories, especially in Iron Heart. A conversation between the two leads where Crier says she wants to read Ayla like a book, and Ayla says she’s not a book, and Crier explains all the different ways she wants to know Ayla, like a person, and wants to deserve to know her like a person, made me weak. It lives in my head rent-free.

Queen’s Shadow by E.K. Johnston @ekjohnston . I listened to this book on Libby and then immediately listened to it at least one more time, maybe twice, before my borrow time ran out. I love Padmé, and just always wish that female Star Wars characters got more focus and attention and this book gave me that!! And queer handmaidens! And the implication that Sabé is in love with Padmé and that’s just something that will always be true and she will always be devoted and also will make her own life anyway. And the Star Wars audiobooks being recorded the way they are with background sounds and music means it feels like watching a really long detailed beautiful Star Wars movie just about Padmé and her handmaidens.

Sissy: A Coming of Gender Story by Jacob Tobia. I needed to read this. The way Tobia talks about their experience of gender within the contexts of college, college leadership, and career, hit home. I kept trying to highlight several pages in a row on my kindle so I could go back and read them after it got returned to the library (sadly it didn’t work - it cuts off highlights after a certain number of characters). The way they talk about TOKENISM they way they talk about the responsibilities of the interviewer when an interviewee holds marginalized identities especially when no one else in the room does!!! Ahhhh!!!

Bonds of Brass by Emily Skrutskie. Disclaimer for this one that the author was rightfully criticized for writing a Black main character as a white author (and how the story ended up playing into some fucked up stuff that I can’t really unpack without spoiling). But also, the author has been working to move forward knowing she can’t change the past, has donated her proceeds, and this book is really good? It has all the fanfic tropes, so much delicious tension, a totally unexpected plot twist that had me immediately rereading the book. This book was super fun and also kind of just really really good Star Wars fanfiction.

How To Be a Normal Person by T.J. Klune. This book was so sweet, and cute, and hopeful, and both ridiculous and so real. I had some trouble getting used to Gus’ voice and internal monologue, but I got into it and then loved every bit after. The ace rep is something I’ve never seen like this before (and have barely read any ace books but still this was so fleshed out and well rounded and not just like, ‘they’re obsessed with swords not sex’ - looking at you, Once & Future - and leaving it there.) This all felt like a slice of life and I feel like I learned about people while reading it. Some of the moments are so, so funny, some are vaguely devastating. I have been personally victimized by TJ Klune for how he ends this book (a joke, you will know once you read it) but it also reminds me of the end of the “You Are There” episode of Xena and we all know what the answer to that question was.... and I choose to believe the answer here was similar.

You Should See Me in a Crown by Leah Johnson. I wish I had this book when I was in high school. I honestly have complicated feelings about prom and haven’t really been seeking out contemporary YA so I was hesitant to read this but it was so good and so well-written, and had a lot of depth to it. The movie (and Broadway show) “The Prom” wants what this book has.

Plain Bad Heroines by Emily M. Danforth. I never read horror books, so this was a new thing for me. I loved the feeling of this book, the way I felt fully immersed. I loved how entirely queer it was. I was interested in the characters and the relationships, even though we didn’t have a full chance to go super deep into any one person but rather saw the connections between everyone and the way the stories matched up with each other. I just wanted a bit of a more satisfying ending.

Honorable Mention: reread in 2020 but read for the first time pre-2020

Red White & Royal Blue by Casey McQuiston. I couldn’t make this post without mentioning this book. It got me through this year. I love this book so much; I think of this book all the time. This book made me want to find love for myself. You’ve all heard about it enough but if you haven’t read this book what are you DOING.

In Other Lands by Sarah Rees Brennan @sarahreesbrennan​ . I reread this one over and over too, both as text and as an audiobook. I went for walks when I had lost my earbuds and had Elliott screaming about an elf brothel loudly playing and got weird looks from someone walking their dog. I love this book so much. It’s just so fun, and so healing to read a book reminiscent of all the fantasies I read as a kid, but with a bi main character and a deconstruction of patriarchy and making fun of the genre a bit. Also, idiots to lovers is a great trope and it’s definitely in this book.

Aristotle and Dante Discover the Secrets of the Universe by Benjamin Alire Sáenz. This book is forever so important to me. I am always drawn in by how tenderly Sáenz portrays his characters. These boys. These boys and their parents. I love them. I love them so much. This is another one where I don’t even know what to say. I have more than 30 pages in my tag for this book. I have “arda” set as a keyboard shortcut on my phone and laptop to turn into the full title. This book saved my life.

Last Night I Sang to the Monster by Benjamin Alire Sáenz. This book hurts to read - it’s a story about trauma, about working through that trauma, healing enough to be ready to hold the worst memories, healing enough to move through the pain and start to make a life. It’s about found family and love and pain and I love it. It’s cathartic. And it’s a little bit quietly queer in a beautiful way, but that’s not the focus. Look up trigger warnings (they kind of are spoilery so I won’t say them here but if you have the potential to be triggered please look them up or ask me before reading)

Ella Enchanted by Gail Carson Levine.  When asked what my all time favorite book is, it’s usually this one. Gail Carson Levine has been doing live readings at 11am since the beginning of the pandemic shut down in the US, and the first book she read was Ella Enchanted. I’ve been slowly reading it to @mssarahpearl and am just so glad still that it has the ability to draw me in and calm me down and feels like home after all this time. This book is about agency. I love it.

Radio Silence by Alice Oseman @chronicintrovert . I’ve had this on my all-time-faves list since I read it a few years ago and ended up rereading it this year before sending a gift copy to a friend, so I could write little notes in it. It felt a little different reading it this time - as I get further away from being a teenager myself, the character voice this book is written in takes a little longer to get used to, but it’s so authentic and earnest and I love it. I absolutely adore this book about platonic love and found family and fandom and mental illness and abuse and ace identity and queerness and self-determination, especially around college and career choices. Ahhh. Thank you Alice Oseman!!!

Leia: Princess of Alderaan by Claudia Gray @claudiagray​ . I have this one on audible and reread it several times this year. I love the fleshing out of Leia’s story before the original trilogy, I love her having had a relationship before Han, and the way it would have affected her perspective. I also am intrigued by the way it analyses the choices the early rebellion had to make... I just, I love all the female focused new Star Wars content and the complexity being brought to the rebellion.

#red white and royal blue #aristotle and dante discover the secrets of the universe #osemanverse #star wars #queer books #lgbtq books #books #alice oseman #miri personal #wow this took so long but was so worth it! #long post #book recs #PS: if you've read any of these or have questions about any of these books #this is your formal invitation to talk to me about them!!!! even if i don't know you at all! #even if i don't follow you and even if you don't follow me! #my ask box is open anon is on! #original content

[conservativetranny]

2020 blog update

Hello. No idea if any of you ‘remember’ me but I do seem to have a fair few followers on here. I managed to access the login information for this account and it is safe to say this blog is dead. I denounce everything I stood for on this stupid shit. 

I’m writing this because it’s what the blog deserves. Not looking to be dramatic, not looking for sympathy, in fact I think i’ll get a bit of backlash for this but bring it on. 

The past and the present- a summary

I had this blog when I was 14, unfortunately way too young to have a social media presence (one which carried any responsibility like this one anyway). No matter what age I said I was, no matter how I portrayed myself or how you, my followers interpreted me, I was a sad young trans guy desperately hoping to look big, cool, masculine and stoic, and that manifested in the most toxic way possible. 

I’m 17 now, still very very young, and after developments in my life, especially pursuing my medical transition and becoming happy within myself, I no longer hold such toxic beliefs as I once did. I am happier with myself and no longer feel the need to sacrifice others’ dignity, respect, and unfortunately sometimes on this blog, privacy, for my own. I was a very insecure, stubborn, and ignorant teenager, who dealt with a lot of denial. I’m not blaming the way I treated people online on other factors, but of course external factors came into play. I was dealing with bullying and insecurity, with parental problems, and with loneliness and depression. I seeked some sort of community, and I wanted to push myself away from the ‘weak’ trans community (the way I viewed it at the time). I wasn’t in denial personally, with the fact that I was trans (being gay is a different story- I was in complete denial with the fact that I’m gay), more just with the way other people viewed me (I will expand on this). I could elaborate on the way in which I viewed other people and the way that projected onto my conduction online, but it is a complex and confusing story. I have completely changed my viewpoint on trans ‘discourse’, I am open minded, I am close friends with people I would have turned my ignorant nose up at years ago. I am so proud to say that I am a completely different person now. I grow every day, it seems, and I can assure that I will never return to this ignorant mindset.

Growth

With experience, I have grown too. Obviously, from 14-17 i have become more mature. I have different experiences now as well, for example, I don’t bind often at all really anymore, because its more comfortable and can sometimes make me more dysphoric to know I am binding. I’m bringing this up because I bet you back when I was active on this blog, I would’ve laughed at the more mature, tolerant me, and probably went on a tyrade about how I was a fake trans guy or less of a man for not binding. I often wonder what ‘old me’ would think of ‘new me’. Now obviously, three years isn’t a hell of a big difference, but to a 17 come 18 year old it is. I understand I am not an adult yet, but I’ve always taken pride in conducting myself with a sense of maturity and articulacy, and for this post and platform especially I feel it is appropriate.

The Truscum Mindset

Back when I ran this blog, I was in an echo chamber of like minded people, which didn’t help my ideological development. I watched youtubers like Blaire White and Kalvin Garrah, who I thought gave me a balanced, moderate, and fair opinion which is clear is not the case. Back then I would’ve scoffed at the idea of Blaire and Kalvin and other similar people as being radical or a gateway, but I urge you, if you feel you are slipping to obsession with those ideologies, to seek to widen your opinions and associations. I understand it’s a fairly niche discourse topic, but for me it opened a wider rabbit hole into the alt right. From wanting to fit into the lgbt and wider communities as a masculine male, this opened up the black hole of the alt right, I browsed (now deleted) subreddits and 4chan boards, and forums that put me in a very negative and dangerous place. If you’d like me to make a post elaborating on this, I am more than happy to, but this post is to address conservativetranny.

Denial and owning up to responsibility

Back in 2017/18, I was very much in denial of certain aspects of myself, especially my sexuality. I am gay. I thought that this was, and especially as a trans guy, a demasculating quality. I still deal with those feelings sometimes, as a lot of young gay guys do, but thankfully it does not manifest itself as toxic as it once did. I just wanted to portray myself online as how I thought I wanted to be viewed-I didn’t want to be viewed like ‘any other trans guy’. I wanted to be different, but now I can appreciate individuality and I can also embrace being trans as well.

I used to think that having alt views was the coolest thing ever, which contributed to my slip into the alt right, something on which I’ll elaborate on in later posts. I am now an advocate for deradicalisation, and being rational, truly rational. I’m also an advocate for maturity and owning up to your mistakes.

I have hurt people, especially in my personal life, throughout my time as a stupid, thoughtless immature teenager and i am sorry, from the bottom of my heart, for that. I now respect the hell out of those people and unfortunately, but definitely rightfully so, they have lost their respect for me. I don’t blame them, because as I said, up until very recently I was a horrible, toxic person. With maturity, in the past half a year I have been able to own up to my mistakes and I am now taking responsibility for that. No excuses, because I was a shitty person. Of course there is a line between excuses and justification, and I hope those which are reading this can distinguish and appreciate this difference.

Self Hatred and Truscum

Back when I ran this blog, it was very easy to tell I was self hating. Everything I wrote on here, pretty much, was hateful except for the odd two posts that were about something unrelated to my ideology. I was extremely dysphoric and in a bad place when I wrote these things and certainly projected my insecurities onto others. I wanted to find a community of different thinking people that would accept me, and this community was certainly the wrong turn. I had a feeling that it was wrong at the time, but I was too naive and cowardly to own up to it and seek a way out. I kind of just naturally fell out of it, a a lot of things happened in my personal life in late 2018 that forced me out of trans discourse and into much more toxic places like the alt right and true crime fandoms, and I think I’ve only recently ‘found myself’ in the past year or so. I might make a post on self growth on the future as I intend to keep this blog to elaborate and voice my opinions on deradicalisation and highlight the importance of owning up and self awareness.

Don’t fall into the rabbithole

I’m not too acquainted with trans discourse anymore, so I’m out of the loop on this one, but I’d imagine that there’s still ‘transmed vs tucute’ ideas. Kalvin Garrah’s community comes to mind, I haven’t watched his videos ‘as a fan’, if that makes sense, for a while now but I am aware he has a large fanbase of young trans teens that were in a similar mindset to where I was back when I ran this blog. I would love for this post to reach his opposers and supporters for that matter, as a means to show them that they don’t have to fall into this cycle of hate which can be very damaging. I used to be an avid fan of Kalvin, and Blaire White, amongst others. I watched exclusively their content alone and formed my opinions around theirs. If you’re doing that now, I urge you to consider other people when you do. Think about the people like Brennan Beckwith, people who were severely impacted and hurt by hateful rhetoric. Those people are human too, and with maturity you will learn that people with different experiences and views are, at the end of the day, the same as you, and they have feelings as well .I’m going to make a post in the future about Kalvin Garrah, certainly, but maybe Blaire White as well.

Why now?

You may be wondering why this post is being made now of all times, and that is a question that has every right to be asked. I feel as if this timing is right because I finally possess the level of maturity needed to own up to my mistakes and tell you that I was wrong and it was certainly wrong to post those opinions and mistakes online for all to see, and put people in my real life on blast like I did.

I had completely forgotten about this blog, and forgot about the rude and ignorant words I had written towards the people in my real life, until chance had it that I was in contact with one of the people mentioned in this post. [https://conservativetranny.tumblr.com/post/169351517511/no-one-pretends-to-be-trans]

I’m not going to go into the nuances of the conversation we had, but it turns out they had, for a while and definitely rightfully so been hurt by the fact that I had mentioned them, by name, in this post. And while I’d of course still like to keep these people anonymous and will not sacrifice their anonymity in order to tell a story or ‘save myself’, this post is quite funny to read back on as I am good friends with the people referred to as ‘P’ and ‘Shadow’ now.

This is the end of this post, as I feel I have said everything I have wanted to say regarding my previous conduct on this blog. I’m going to change my name on this blog and my bio as I do intend on further posts in the future. I’m not sure how many people, if any, this post will reach, but I’m satisfied I have written this anyway. I certainly do plan on writing future posts but I’m not exactly sure how to formulate them. But thank you so much for reading this far, and if you have, I appreciate it.

#truscum #transmed #ftm #trans #dysphoria #kalvin garrah #kalvin garbage #terf #deradicalisation #i have literally no idea how to tag this #tucute #do people even say that anymore lol

[faecaptainofdreams]

(Everyone is sitting together. It doesn't really matter where, but they're all outside and having a great time. Lance, Walter, Marcy, Killian, Eyes, Ears, August, Ramsey, Sky, Felix, Gwynn, Jack, and Hiro. Other friends, such as Joy and Tonya [the security lady], aren't too far away. Lovey, Jeff and Crazy Eyes are present as well, calmly strutting around, being petted by various members of the group.) Walter: I remember when I was six, I went to my mom's room and was watching her put on her makeup for the day. She was kinda used to that, since I followed her everywhere. Well, I told her I liked her makeup, and that she was really good at putting it on. So then I'm like "Hey, what's it like to wear makeup?" And she goes, "I don't know, I'm used to it." And she looked at me, because I think she knew that I was building up to asking if I could wear some. I told her I just wanted to wear what she was wearing, just to know. She had to think about that for a minute, hah! Marcy: This feels like a really important part of your flamboyant origin story. (Everyone laughs, Walter included.) Walter: YES, definitely! So like, she was a little thrown, I think? But then she was like "Yeah, sure, okay, you can try on my makeup," and she had me sit in her little chair in front of the mirror. She was telling me that it was gonna feel funny, that I needed to be still so she wouldn't accidentally poke my eye, all that good stuff. My mom was SUPER attentive whenever she tried new things with me, because of the Asperger's. We really didn't know what could trigger that potential sensory overload or what I might be overwhelmed by, so I think she was more nervous about that than anything. Well... Before she started, I asked her if wearing makeup would make me less of a boy. I said, "Only girls wear makeup, and when boys like girly things, they get made fun of." I was really aware of that. I always SO BADLY wanted to take my Unitee to school, as a comfort object, but I was scared to death of the other kids taking her from me and tearing her up or something. So -- anyway, mom goes, "No, some boys wear makeup," and she said, "Did you know that men wear makeup in other parts of the world?" And she told me about the Egyptians, ancient peoples and how makeup was originally for everybody, all that cool stuff. SHE info-dumped on ME! (They all laugh a little.) Walter: It was just really striking to me how...progressive she was, like there was nothing I could do that she didn't support. I told her I didn't think I wanted to wear makeup all the time, and she said "Good, you're too young for it anyway." (More laughs.) Walter: So I sat there, and she started putting the makeup on me. She put on my eye shadow, then eye liner, then mascara... It was exhausting! How do people wear it ALL THE TIME? (They all nod and chuckle and Marcy raises her hand, drawing attention to herself.) Marcy: It's the way of the woman, Walter. Killian: And the very flamboyant, but no-less-masculine man. Ramsey: I tried on makeup once. Turned my rat face into a rat face with paint on it. (All laughter.) Sky: Hah, okay babe, so what happened next? Walter: *giggles softly* Well, then she put a little blush on just for the fun of it, and then put lipstick on me. We both kept laughing, I think she was laughing at me because I kept pursing my lips out SUPER hard! She was like "Just relax a little!" And I would, and then I would purse really hard again! (Laughs.) Gwynn: That's so cute, hah hah. Walter: We had this really long talk about how boys are not boys because they don't wear makeup, and girls aren't girls because some of them do wear makeup. Same with pants, and dresses. She said that if I am a boy, then that's what I am no matter what I have on. I was like... "If?" (Lots of concerned chuckles and a few laughs roll through the group.) Lance: OH shit, she probably didn't count on that one. Walter: NO, NOT AT ALL. I mean, it wasn't that long ago, but honestly transgender, non-binary and all the LGBT stuff has REALLY just been gaining traction in the past few years. Like I said, she was REALLY progressive. Felix: Did she have to explain that? Walter: *nods* A little. She kept it simple, she was like "Well, sometimes little boys feel like they aren't actually boys, and they feel like they're girls, so they choose to be girls and that's who they really are." I asked her how that's possible, because I have to over-analyze everything, pfft. She said she couldn't really explain it, that it was fine that I didn't understand, that she could tell me later. Yeah -- whenever she couldn't explain a hard topic to me, she was always really good about saying it was okay that I didn't understand it. Living in a world where you're expected to just GET everything, whether it's a hard or an easy concept, that was always nice. Hiro: *nods* Jack: Everyone should be told that, you've got a point there. Sky: I could not STAND when teachers were like "Oh ThiS iS eAsY, eVeRyOnE eLsE gEtS iT" LIKE BITCH, SHUT UP. *claps between words* I'M- NOT- THEM. Lance: RIGHT THOUGH?!

Ears: Rude.

Walter: Exactly! Everyone is different. Not even from an Autistic standpoint, just a HUMAN CHILD standpoint, my mom was really good with helping me be okay with my environment. August: Do you think if you were neurotypical, she would've been just as good, or like, less good or not as...paying attention? Walter: *thinks for a moment* Mmm... I mean, she was really good with me before I was even diagnosed, she was really patient and tried to roll with the fact that I was somehow very different from my peers. But no, I think she probably would've been about the same. Maybe less careful, or less afraid of setting me off somehow, but she DEFINITELY wouldn't have loved me less or had been any less kind. She was just...a great mother, plain and simple. (Gwynn reaches across the table and gently takes his hand, silently offering a bit of love. Walter smiles sadly to her.) Lance: So, what happened with the makeup? Walter: *sits up and takes in a deep breath* I told her it felt weird, aaand she said that was normal... *smiles softly* She told me I was pretty... I asked if I could show grana, so we went and found her in the living room and showed her. Ramsey: Oooh, was granny as progressive as mom? Walter: OH yeah, she was definitely where my mom got it from. She loved it! Marcy: *shaking her head slowly in awe* That is so rare, like WOW. Walter: Mm-hm. Yeah, I actually came out to grana when I was 14. I said, "I think I'm gay," and she looked me dead in the eye and said, "Oh, I knew that!" (They all laugh.) Walter: I was like, "Whaaat??" She told me that her and mom figured that out when I was two. Lance: ...What the hell was you doin' when you were TWO to give that away??? (They all chuckle.) Walter: HAH hah! I asked her that, and she said that my mom was just watching me play. I wasn't doing anything special, I -- she just said "I think my son is gay." And apparently, grana felt the same way? It turns out, big shocker, I am not mysterious. Hahahah! Felix: No, no you are NOT. Gwynn: Your family was really cool, Walter. Walter: Yeah... They were... (He nods his head slowly, eyes becoming a little wet. But he smiles, warm memories, love, and a little sadness filling his heart.) Walter: And now I have this cool family, so... I'm really really l-ucky-- (He wipes his eyes, trying not to cry.) Walter: Nnnaaahhh!! I don't wanna cry, aha hah...! Marcy: *chuckles* It's okay. Walter: Gah, I know. I cry enough though, I can go TEN MINUTES without! (They all chuckle, but there is an expression of care for him in everyone.) Walter: So that's the makeup story. *sniffles and wipes his eye one more time* I ended up not wearing it again after that, until the -- *motions to Jack* the mission! Jack: That was some fun, eh? Heheh! Really, Walter, you did make for a lovely lady! Walter: *laughs* Well thank you!! Hiro: I think it's nuts when people can tell their kids are gay. Killian: Yeh, some people honestly just feel that. I've heard about pregnant women being able to feel their unborn child is a certain way, and then years later they figure out they're right. Mind-boggling. Walter: There really is nothing harder to explain than a mother's instinct! Lance: Yeah, then there's MY mom. When I was like fifteen, my mom caught me dancin' in my room to this really fruity song and some dumbass chick flick was on the TV, and... (Everyone starts laughing.) Lance: *waves it off* So she busts in my room and is like *mocking voice* "Lance, you wanna tell me somethin'? Are you gay?" and I got all defensive and was like "NO MOM" in this really squeaky voice. (The laughter continues, and Lance along with them.) Lance: I knew what bein' gay was, and I knew how people made fun of it -- I made fun of it back then, everyone used it as an insult, there was all this misinformation about it flying around. My mom wasn't even being accusatory, she wasn't like MAD about it or anything, but from then on, ALL the time, if I did somethin' kinda questionable she was like "YoU gAy?!" So I'd try to make my voice deeper, like *makes voice deeper* "NO, MAMA. I LIKE GIRLS." (Laughter) Eyes: Did she try to get you for overcompensating? Lance: *claps and points at her* YES, I was just about to say! So I started gettin' pissed off about the gay thing, right? Well, my mom didn't know that I was listenin' to Afro Man back then. Hiro: What is that? Lance: Look him up, he's hilarious! Best song, Colt 45, hands down.

Ears: It's pretty funny, gotta admit. August: THAT SONG. IS SO. GROSS. Walter: When I was in middle school I heard some of the other kids singing it, I was sooo confused! August: Weren't you like FOUR in middle school? Walter: HAH HAH no, I was seven! August: PFFFT, OKAY, well that's still awful. Walter: *nods* Lance: My mom asked me if I was gay for the last damn time before I brought out my little laptop and started BLASTIN' Colt 45. Marcy: What even is that song?? Lance: It's literally just a rap song about the Afro Man having sex with dozens of women and being real vulgar about it, but not like your normal rap song. August: It's kind of like a parody, but it's not? Marcy: *sits back* Ew. Lance: Heh heh heh, yeah, when she heard that she went OFF on me. She was like "WHERE'D YOU FIND NASTY TRASH LIKE THAT YOU DELETE THAT RIGHT NOW" and started whippin' at my ass with the hand towel! (Laughter) Lance: I was running away cryin', screaming "I WAS JUST TRYIN'A TELL YOU I'M NOT GAY" and she goes "THAT'S WHAT OVERCOMPENSATIN' LOOKS LIKE!" (Their laughter is loud, boisterous, and unapologetic.) Ramsey: You get in trouble?! Lance: BIG TIME. Actually -- HA -- yeah, that's how I got into the military, she said "fuck this child and his stupid gay ass, he's gonna be a marine," stuck me on a plane and shipped me off. (The laughter is settling, but still genuine.) Lance: Nah nah I'm jokin', that's a joke. But yeah, I wasn't allowed on the internet for like three months after that. Walter: Hmhmhm! Did she finally stop asking? Lance: Yeah, yeah finally. I think that was the last straw. Marcy: Hey, where was your dad during all this? Lance: Oh god, you know him, he just kinda...stayed out of it, heh. He's definitely the more submissive one. But that's all right, mama's good to him. Killian: I personally adore your mother. Lance: Yeah, 'cos she showed you my baby pictures. Killian: You had the fattest fuckin' face on any infant I've ever seen. Lance: Whatever! You probably weighed like 18 pounds when you came out, you tank! (Walter unintentionally leads into the group laughing fit with a heavy "PFFT!") Killian: *laughing* I was thin as a rail 'til i was 17! Lance: Nah, you was what took down the Hindenburg, 100%. Killian: Bitch your face WAS the Hindenburg! Those CHEEKS! (The laughter only gets harder. The stories go on, the happiness rolls on forever. Eventually, Joy and Tonya join the group. This really is Walter's family, and it's perfect.) ---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- ------------------------------------------------------------------------------ It's a little cheesy, but we could use some of that right now. I had this idea of Walter and Wendy a couple months ago, but never once even spoke of it. I thought i would do art for it sooner, but here we are -- better late than never. I'm glad it took until now, because i wouldn't have shaded it then. Been feeling sentimental lately, and SiD is a huge part of my heart now. This was actually done on the last page of the first sketchpad i used for SiD! Apparently, i abandoned the drawing pad with ONE PAGE LEFT >8U SO DUMB. So with me being emotional, feeling a need for closure and wanting to add one more thing to the book, i decided this was the perfect subject matter. I don't know when i'll draw for this movie again since Marvel has swept me away, but I think i'll always be paying attention to it. I think this is one of those things that just will forever mean the world to me.

<3

#Spies in Disguise #Walter Beckett #Lance Sterling #Marcy Kappel #Joy Jenkins #Eyes and Ears #Spies in Disguise OC #Wendy Beckett #Lovey #Jeff and Crazy Eyes #Killian #Tristan McFord

[pigspeetsandhooflikefeets]

Hey. I don’t like posting this because I like to be a positive person and this is a really cool and positive fandom, but I need to say please avoid melodicalmusic on DeviantArt/doggiebeats on Quotev. Initially I thought it was just someone who was missing the point, but they are far worse and actively harmful. (notes under cut)

melodicalmusic/doggiebeats is the author and illustrator of an au fic named “Velo Life”. At first glance it is harmless, the art is fine. The story revolves around a mask named Pap (a papillon dog) doing things, being an assistant to the monarchy, and dating Fox. Sometimes other masks get chapters, but the overall focus is on her oc, which is fine, as ocs can be good. The problem isn’t conception, it’s execution.

Transphobia: Melodic decided to cast Leopard as a non-binary intersex character. It was a fair design choice, other than the fact she referred to them as a “pseudo-h*rmaphodite”, which is medically outdated, as well as the inclusion of ‘pseudo’ is more offensive than the slur alone. Leopard has biological cubs, despite most intersex (obviously not all) being infertile or unable to carry children showing a lack of research on the topic, as well as it being a very dysphoric situation for many trans and intersex people.

Leopard was referred to as a “quing”, combination “queen” and “king”. Now. Mull over it. Okay stop mulling, because she had every inch to just use “Monarch”, such as “Monarch Leopard”, as well as titles like “Their/Your Majesty”, which works for both kings and queens, so it should have been suitable for Leopard.

Unprompted, she backpedaled saying “But I wanted Leopard in my AU to be a actual female. Cause I think it's for the best. Everyone kinda hated Leopard, but I love everything she does. No not Transgender, just really a female.”. Besides the fact she took it in her own hands to decide that a mask played by Seal was ‘now a cis woman’, she implies that trans women are not women, calling cis women ‘really a female’.

In her fic, the only other trans character is Egg, who is exceptionally ambiguous to being trans, not specifying if Egg is NB, FTM, or if he as well was going to be intersex. She dedicates a chapter to pride month, yet a lot of the focus is on the cishet masks (Pap (her oc), Frog, and Fox), as well as a concerning ship of T-Rex and Poodle, as everyone knows that T-Rex is somewhat coded to be a child, since Jojo was only 16 when she performed. Despite claiming to respect trans people, she only had two trans characters, and decided that one of them wouldn’t be trans anymore because “I admired the high-pitch voice that was fitted for the Leopard, it just suits SO well. Even if the show kept going, I always hear the digital high vocals.”. Call me crazy, but that’s not a reason to make a man a cis woman.

As a trans man, Leopard was disgustingly handled in the show with the panel first week, accusing Seal of ‘tricking’ them for wearing drag and acting feminine (not acting like a woman, acting feminine), and I hoped it wouldn’t leech into the fandom. Clearly I was wrong.

Homophobia: Where to start with this. As stated, she changed Leopard from a NB intersex character (in her original canon) to a cis woman. In the fic, Leopard is married to Nick. I don’t need to tell you that she made Nick x Leopard into a straight ship. She made the only gay ship tease in the show into a straight ship. I wish it ended here.

Somali, an oc, has potential. Not here, but he has it. Somali is gay. If you think I’m undermining his character, that is his character. Somali likes magic and theater, and is very flamboyant. He is a gay walking stereotype. In his description, it is stated, “The story is that he turnout Gay, Of course Pappy was Supportive, but she knew it wasn't fair, especially through everything she's involved.” If you need me to translate: Somali broke up with Pap after realizing he was gay. Pap saw that as unfair, and that she was a victim of being lead on because he found out he was gay. Yes, Pap is making Somali being gay and dealing with his internalized homophobia… about herself. She goes to the point of calling him her nemesis. Which is a... toxic way to refer to someone who broke up with you on clean terms.

Somali eventually teams up with Rottweiler, Pap’s brother (who abuses her, despite it being out of character in every means) and is. Evil, and he hates Pap now apparently. We can’t go a minute without the gay oc being evil huh. Somali being gay doesn’t add to the story, it just suggests the only reason he stopped dating her was that he was gay (which is bad and offensive in Pap’s eyes) because he is not shown to fall for Rottweiler, or have any crushes on other male masks. His homosexuality is an accessory tag, and it’s really not a good one when he is the only gay character with a lot of lines.

Every. Character. That. Is. LGBT. Is. A. Token. Ice Cream and T-Rex are the closest ones to not be tokens, as Ice Cream has a job at a diner and T-Rex gets lines, but T-Rex is only used for exposition, and again, a child shipped with an adult mask. Peacock’s and Rabbit’s role outside of the first chapter is to have a rocky relationship, being forced to rekindle their relationship after Pap tells them to do so for a love festival. Several of the female masks are bisexual or lesbians, but they add so little to the plot, that I don’t even remember which ships are which. Every [since Leopard used to not be but is now] main character is heterosexual and cis (Pap, Fox, Leopard, Kitty, Frog, Turtle, Rottweiler) which doesn’t imply that she actually is that pro LGBT. Drawings of hers for Ice Cream and Egg are captioned “Just something Gay for you guys to see~” (fetishizing much?).

Ableism: One of the ocs in the fic is a Red Panda, who is related to Panda (don’t be confused, animal wise they are not closely related at all). In the fic, Red Panda suffers from PTSD due to an accident which caused her to be disabled in the leg, who uses a single-leg-crutch to walk. The physical disability is handled well enough, not being a hindrance or made fun of, but her personality is the worst. Red Panda is a cowardly and sniveling child, scared of her own shadow and completely incompetent. Her PTSD is very thinly written, not giving her any specific triggers or reasons for anxiety. If her PTSD was presented with her being afraid of entering a vehicle or certain smells that would relate to the accident (rubber, smoke, leather), it would make sense, but Red Panda is scared of everything. On a dare, Frog tells Kitty to impersonate a mask. Kitty impersonates Red Panda, making fun of her cowardice, which can be an actual attack on people who have PTSD (like myself), Kitty justifies herself, saying she couldn’t think of anyone else, Red Panda immediately accepting it. Being a minor character, there is no time for her to develop, and the Red Panda we were presented with is already a mess.

In the same chapter that Red Panda is introduced, Axolotl (mentioned a lot later) dares Fox to remove his prosthetic arm. I don’t need to need prosthesis to know that asking someone to take their ARM OFF is unfunny and uncalled for. Pap, Fox’s girlfriend, decided to take the time and kissed the welt, commenting that it “looked interesting”. Don’t- don’t do that. Don’t kiss people’s scars or cuts or welts or anything related to their disability, especially without permission. Axolotl was being ablest to Fox and somehow Fox didn’t know better and forgot to tell her she was acting uncivilized, despite being one of the smartest masks in the canon.

Condoning Incest: One of the ocs in the fic is an Axolotl. The axolotl is Frog’s biological sister, Frog having Turtle as his adopted brother, which in fic Turtle is stated to have been adopted in Frog’s family for over 15 years. In the axolotl’s description, it is stated “Though Axolotl is a relative of him, She deeply has a crush on him. Which maybe weird but hey, Turtle's Adopted. So not a big deal”. No, it’s not ‘ok’ because Turtle is adopted, especially since they’ve been related 15 years. It’s not like Frog and Turtle are ‘close enough to be brothers’, they are related by law. Axolotl is presented to quirkily force a kiss on Turtle in one chapter, which she is not punished or condoned for 1. Sexually harassing him 2. Committing incest and putting it on his conscience, OTHER than her getting salmonella, which all characters who kiss Turtle are prone to getting (Ice Cream in chapter was stated to have fallen sick after kissing him). Axolotl is treated completely fine and Turtle has her in his band, regardless of the fact she is predatory towards him. Additionally, Axolotl is treated as a babysitter towards all of the children on the island, despite, again, sexually harassing someone she is related to, which people saw happen.

Incest is a harmful thing that can cause people to self-deprecate themselves or worse. It’s not a quirky “ha ha, they kissed, so funny!” because Axolotl DOES want to prey on Turtle. She DOES want to be with him. She didn’t CARE about his feelings, in the moment or after. It wasn’t a cute kiss on the cheek, and it wasn’t funny.

Fetishization of Japan: Pap is a weeeeeb. Pap is stated to be Japanese (her last name being Akita) which is confusing on account of the fact Rottweiler and her family are not shown to be Japanese? Anyways, Pap uses broken Japanese, completely unsparingly, and just says it in a way she expects everyone to understand her. It’s not Engrish, she speaks English well enough, she just adds it in sentences, and Melodic doesn’t even offer translations at the end of chapters. Phrases used are arbitrary, one some reason ending with “translator”. Entire sentences can be in Japanese, making the story hard to follow. If this fetishization of the language was limited to Pap, it’d be more tolerable, but other masks, ones who have no reason to know Japanese, use it as well, equally poorly.

Xenophobia: Some reason the USA and UK masks are all good guys (other than Rottweiler) but the German masks live in a ‘badlands’. German Monster teams up with Rottweiler and is his girlfriend, while German Dragon sexually assaults Kitty when they go through the badlands. There is no rhyme or reason why they are the scapegoated ‘evil’ series, but it leaves a bad taste in my mouth.

Inability to handle criticism: I tried. I tried my absolute best to tell her that what she was writing was harmful and past borderline offensive. I told her that Somali was a gay stereotype and very poorly presented, not getting a personality out of ‘likes singing’ (which all masks do…) and ‘is evil gay’. She didn’t care. We told her she was using slurs and that turning a mask played by Seal into a cis woman was offensive and transphobic (as well as Leopard already poorly being handled). She didn’t care.

In fact she more than didn’t care. She called us insensitive and whiny. Quote from her, "Now, I been feeling upset about some Haters/Karens harassing me on my AU ideas. And yes that's dumb.” Karens. You know, the stereotypical older women who hate the gays and trans people and bully people doing their jobs? Karens? Yeah, no. A Karen would be against any characters being trans or gay, insisting the show is for families, not telling them to stop using literal slurs (which have been outdated over 20 years) and to actually write gay characters. She genuinely acts like she can do no wrong and that everyone that doesn’t fawn over her is bad. This has nothing to do with the quality of the writing and the lack of grammar, this is about how she is unapologetically offensive and writing triggering content for the sake of being ‘quirky’.

I’m not saying “go rally against her” or “dox her” or “flame her story”, I’m suggesting please don’t give her attention. She’s clearly a child, and she’s not willing to change. All we can do is limit how much attention she gets until she grows up.

#masked singer #the masked singer #talking about this with my group really hurt like this is a bad headspace to be in #I don't want her to quit I want her to grow as a person

[canyouhearthelight]

The Miys, Ch. 83

First, and most importantly: Happy Transgender Day of Visibility! To anyone who was given the wrong gender at birth, I see you and you are safe here.

If you don’t read further because of that? Well.... I don’t want you reading my stuff. The Ark is welcoming and loving. So.

If you are still with me: I actually had to start a second google doc for the story, just to continue with this chapter.... It’s mind blowing that I’ve gotten so far.  With everything going on in the world at the moment, this story has been a great escape and something worth carving out time for.

THAT SAID... Please don’t hesitate to send me asks, messages, or submissions.  I love hearing new ideas, or having the chance to talk about the things that just don’t make it on the page. Even if your ask/message/submission isn’t story related, shoot it on over.

Thanks for this chapter goes out to a whole host of people: @satan-parisienne, @baelpenrose, @zommbiebro, and @charlylimph-blog (I don’t care how often this site unfollows me from you, I will chase you down!). I genuinely don’t think I could have created so much, so consistently, without all of you.

Charly and I chose to walk to Xiomara’s office rather than take a transport.  Even though I was a bit shaken by what happened with Jokull, the exercise gave us both an opportunity to burn off nervous energy.  By the time we arrived, both of us were calmer and had our thoughts together.

Once access was granted, the door slid aside to reveal not just Xiomara, but Tyche.  I wasn’t sure if Xiomara wanted her to hear what happened, given how much stress my fellow Councillor placed on secrecy for her operation. “I need to report an incident involving Jokull Bjornson.”

My glance at my sister was met with a scoff. “Do you really think I believe you won’t tell her what happened?” Xiomara stared me down like I was an idiot.  “First things first: are either of you ladies injured?”

I shook my head carefully, while Charly grinned sheepishly. “See, here’s the thing - “

“Charly Harper, why is there blood in your mouth?” Xio’s eyes darkened as she leaned forward intently.

A hand flew up to cover the younger woman’s mouth as her eyes got wide. “Oops…” She started fidgeting with the strings on her sweatshirt. “We were minding our own business, I swear, just walking along, and - he’s so rude!  Obviously he could see Sophia wasn’t paying attention, so he stood in front of her, because he’s rude.” She started gesturing frenetically, like she was reenacting the events.  “I pulled her out of the way so we could just go on minding our own business, like we were, but he kept stepping in front of her, and then he kind of sideways called her stupid and refused to use her title like the sexist pig I bet he is, and then he, I dunno, hit on me? It was gross.” I nodded and shrugged, making her wince.  “But anyway, Sophia tried to stop him and then he was so mean and all standing over her, and I thought he was going to hit her so I shoved her out of the way, and I was right, because he hit me instead, and I may have.. I mean, I did obviously - “ she gestured at her mouth “ - but I only remember his clavicle, not his arm, and - “

“For the love of life, please take a breath,” Xiomara interrupted, throwing her hands in the air.  “What did you do?”

Before she could respond, I cut to the chase. “She bit the shit out of him. Twice.” I ignored Tyche’s snort and turned to Charly. “I thought he hit you after you bit him?”

“Well yeah, then too, but he hit me the first time trying to punch you.”

“I didn’t see that part,” I murmured.

“Duh. You were on the ground, silly.”

The sound of a cleared throat brought us back to the task at hand. “So, you were approached by a suspected cult leader, who seems to have instigated an altercation, and Miss Harper’s first reaction was to bite him?”

“No, I told you, I pushed Sophia out of the way first.”

There was the slightest upward twitch in Xiomara’s mouth. “And you say you were provoked?”

“Yes! He tried to hit Sophia, and hit me instead! I was protecting her.”

“She’s capable of defending herself.”

“And? You wouldn’t ask Tyche these questions.”  Charly stared Xiomara down, frowning.

I had no idea what was going on here.  We came to report something that might be relevant to the operation to infiltrate the cult… Why did it seem like it was turning into Charly being grilled?

The silent tension in the room drew out agonizingly before something broke.  I jumped with a dignified squeak when Xiomara threw her head back and laughed.  “I’m sorry,” she gasped. “I just… the mental image of our attempted-Viking-overlord being attacked by a woman half his size is just…  That’s the best thing I’ve thought of all day.”

“He was very confused,” I agreed.

Tyche stood, hands on her hips. “Hang on a sec.  You said he hit you twice?”

“Ugh, he hits like a baby,” Charly whined before pausing.  She tilted her head and turned towards me. “Actually, that doesn’t make sense.”

“What do you mean?” I asked.  

Xiomara abruptly stopped laughing and snapped her head around to stare at Charly intently. “Yes. Please explain.”

Charly scratched her cheek absently. “We stopped at a medbay… Sophia insisted in case he had something yucky in his blood, seeing as I got a mouthful of it.  Even the red marks he left on my face were mostly gone by the time I was scanned.”

“Okay…” I mean, I was there, I already knew all this.

“This guy is freaking huge, you all.  Like Xiomara pointed out, he’s literally twice my size.  He should have hurt me a lot more, just by accident.  There is no way his knee-jerk reaction to being bitten twice, and hard enough to draw blood, is to just tap me on the face hard enough to make me let go.” Her face screwed up in confusion.

“I thought he knocked you down?” Xiomara asked for clarification.

She shook her head vigorously. “Nope.  He hit me just hard enough to hit the nerve right here.” She pointed to the hinge of her jaw. “It basically made my jaw all fuzzy and tingly, and I couldn’t hold on. Gravity did the rest.”

Tyche’s eyes narrowed, and she turned to Xio. “So do we think dumb luck from a wuss, or very deliberate action?”

“I don’t know,” came the response. “Either way, he clearly didn’t want to hurt anyone.”

“Wrong. So wrong,” Charly argued. “The first time he hit me, he was aiming for Sophia, and would have hit her pretty hard in the kidneys.  He just managed to get me in the upper shoulder, instead, since I’m shorter.  I think it’s clear he didn’t want to hurt me, but he definitely wanted to hurt her.”

Everyone’s eyes turned to me, and I felt sick to my stomach. What the actual fuck did I do?

Xiomara nodded intently, which was pretty much expected. When I looked at my sister, she was nodding, too, biting her bottom lip like she was thinking about something.  That wasn’t the part that concerned me.  What concerned me was her loose posture, leaned over with both hands on the back of a chair, while she stared into space.  For anyone who didn’t know her, it looked like she was trying to wrap her mind around the information I just gave her about her partner.  No white knuckles, no clenched jaw.  It made no sense.

Why wasn’t she mad? “Why me though?  I don’t even know this guy!”

Xiomara pulled up her datapad and flicked a file at me.  When I opened it, my eyes got wide. “Yep. His psych profile. Read ‘em and weep.”

As I read the information in front of me, repeating it out loud. “Ambition, enhancement, memory, clarity.”  That right there is why the Miys picked you. Empathy, enhancement, memory, clarity. Those are your defining attributes. I heard the ghost of Simon’s voice echo in my head from when I first woke up here. “He hates me, because he sees me as a weaker version of him?” I asked hesitantly.

“It’s a distinct possibility,” Xiomara confirmed. “He doesn’t have access to those profiles, unless someone hacked in, and Derek says they haven’t been touched.  But he may see you being in a position of power as an insult.”

When Tyche rubbed her face with one hand, it clicked. “You fucking knew,” I whispered, too betrayed to speak any louder. Snapping around to face Xiomara squarely, I resisted the urge to scream at her. “I thought you weren’t keeping us in on this?  The whole point of bringing this to you was to keep my family out of it, for once!”

Unperturbed, Xiomara held up one hand for permission to speak, and I nearly slapped it back down.  Instead, I growled and crossed my arms. “She’s helping in a different capacity, one I have requested she not disclose to you.  It is essential that what she is doing be kept secret. So, yes, she knew, for about two hours longer than you have.”

My eyebrows shot up in surprise. “Oh. Oh. This is… this is recent.  Like, today recent.”

“Yes, today recent,” she confirmed, leaning back with a sigh. “And yes, I was prepared for the chance that he would approach you.  No, I wasn’t just going to leave you to the wolves, but it turns out that wasn’t even necessary.” With one hand, she made a sweeping gesture at Charly. “Between her, your sister, and your partners, I am reasonably certain you should be safe at all times.  Just don’t take any chances, okay?  Have Maverick, Conor, or both walk you to and from your office every day… so sweet, right?  Eat lunch with  someone we trust. That kind of thing.  Nothing really changes, just be alert to your surroundings.”

I groaned loudly. “Xio, I just got my personal shadows to let me walk to work by myself.  They are never going to let me live this down.”

“There are worse things in life than having loved ones who want you to be safe. I think you’ll live.”

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#the miys #humans are weird #aliens #humans are space orcs #science fiction #original fiction #my writing #apocalypse #earth is space australia #tw blood #tw: violence #cult

[sanderssidesfanfiction]

Royal Growing Pains - Chapter Fourteen

Warnings: Homophobia, transphobia, misgendering, sympathetic Deceit

Royal Growing Pains Tag

The next morning, Roman woke up with a long stretch and a sigh, checking the time. Nine thirty in the morning. He had slept in just long enough to reasonably skip breakfast with his mother and the Queen. Nice. He sat up in bed and rubbed his head with a soft groan. Didn’t mean he was looking forward to spending the whole morning without any contact with the one man who made this whole experience bearable, but if he were quiet in his room he could let people think he was just asleep for at least another hour.

He sifted through his books and art supplies, finding nothing of interest to him in any of them. He sighed. This was going to be exceptionally difficult if he were bored. He couldn’t stay in his room with nothing to do except maybe play with an app or two on his phone. He needed to move around, or at least have something that would fully capture his interest. And any apps remaining on his phone wouldn’t do that for him. He fiddled with his phone for a minute before texting Remus his predicament, asking for suggestions on things to do.

Remus, true to form, sent him a ridiculous suggestion in response. why not bug some of the guards around the castle? find the best places to make out with fh

oh, screw you too, re! Roman texted back. i might talk to some of the guards, tho. they could show me where to hide from mother

that’s the spirit! Remus said. go find out where to hide from mother AND make out with fh

Roman sent Remus a knife emoji and headed to shower, after realizing he had failed to do so yesterday. Dysphoria was a bitch, but at least Roman felt slightly cleaner afterwards.

He walked out of the bathroom, phone in his skirt pocket and hair pulled into a low braid, promptly running through the halls until he reached the main foyer, finding Virgil talking to some of the other guards. “Hey, Virgil!” Roman said, walking down the stairs. “I’m trying to hide from my mother, do you mind if I shadow you today?”

Virgil glanced over at Roman and rolled his eyes. “I don’t mind as long as you stay quiet, and if I tell you to get lost for your own safety you do so.”

“Cool,” Roman said. “Anywhere you were going in particular?”

“Not as of yet,” Virgil said. “Have you had breakfast?”

“No, I just woke up and showered,” Roman said.

“Well, then we should probably go to the kitchen and get you something to eat,” Virgil said. One of the guards he had been talking to snickered and Virgil turned to him with a glare. “Shut it. I’m making sure the prince is fed, nothing more.”

Roman sent Virgil a questioning glance as Virgil led him to the kitchen. Virgil sighed. “The guards are all convinced I’m in love with Patton,” he said with an eye-roll. “To which I respond that if they’re so sure, they should get me and him in a room alone. No one has the guts to do it.”

Roman laughed. “Oh, that’s cute!” he exclaimed. “Do you actually like him?”

“I’m not saying,” Virgil said. “Not to the man who can’t even see that his fiancé has a massive crush on him. You couldn’t be subtle even if you tried, and I am not letting you put any ideas in Patton’s head.”

“Damien doesn’t have a crush on me,” Roman scoffed. Virgil snorted. “He doesn’t! How could he? He’s...listen, he’s gorgeous, okay? He’s gorgeous, and funny, and genuine. And I’m just...me.”

“Roman, there is nothing ‘just’ about you,” Virgil said with a scoff. “So you can cut that out right now. And trust me, not just any guy will leave Damien speechless simply because he holds his head high. Damien likes you. He doesn’t have the guts to admit it, and he won’t say anything unless confronted, but he likes you.”

Roman laughed. Virgil lightly smacked Roman upside the head. “Hey!” Roman protested.

“I’m serious, Your Highness. Damien likes you,” Virgil said. “And you like him. Honestly, the two of you should just make out already. Not where I can see, because gross, but I’ll show you some spots where you can make out with him if you just say the word.”

“I do not need that information, Virgil, but thank you,” Roman said with a little laugh. “In all seriousness, though, I sincerely doubt that Damien could ever like me. Sure, I like him. I’ll admit it. But I doubt it’s anything more than a crush. And even if Damien seriously liked me...it wouldn’t be fair to try and date when I wasn’t sure if I even liked him as much as he supposedly likes me.”

They walked into the kitchen and Patton turned with a smile. “Who likes who?” he asked with a grin.

“The two idiots we have the pleasure of calling our future kings,” Virgil said, jerking a thumb at Roman.

Roman stuck his tongue out at Virgil while Patton just giggled. “Oh, I thought you were talking about news, my mistake!” he exclaimed. “Roman, I heard about last night through the grapevine, and I’m really sorry. Is there any food I can make to console you?”

“Not really anything to console me,” Roman said with a shrug. “But I could use a breakfast in general.”

“Say no more!” Patton exclaimed, holding up a finger and heading to the refrigerator. “Virgil, be a dear and make sure that his mother isn’t coming, will you? We can’t hide him away forever, but he needs to finish breakfast before he’s confronted, at least.”

Virgil’s cheeks tinged a dusty pink but he said, “Sure,” in a normal voice and walked out of the room.

“Oh, he’s crushing,” Roman muttered.

“Honey, we been knew,” Patton said with a wide grin. “But he’s not ready for anything yet, so I won’t push him.”

Roman laughed and walked over to where Patton was bringing out eggs, ham, cheese, and bread. “You okay with a sandwich for breakfast, Your Highness?” Patton asked.

“Sounds delicious,” Roman said with a smile.

Patton took what he needed to the stovetop and started to cook everything together, while he stuck the bread in the toaster. “So, Roman, are you genuinely going to consider whether or not you’re trans this morning? Is it true that you hadn’t considered it for long?”

“I don’t know about the first question, but I had considered for months whether or not I should come out, and months before that as to whether or not I’m genuinely trans. I don’t see myself changing my mind anytime soon.” Roman shrugged. “I mostly said that to placate my mother. I say a lot of things to placate her, so what’s another lie? I just hope Damien knows how I actually feel, because he looked devastated when I told him to stop last night.”

“When do you get to talk to him again?” Patton asked.

“This afternoon,” Roman said. “But I imagine it’ll be restricted to mostly wedding talk. Why?”

“Well, I did deliver breakfast to Damien’s room this morning,” Patton said, worrying his lip. “But his parents didn’t confine him there. He just...refused to leave.”

Roman’s heart leapt into his throat. His mind raced. Was that because of Roman? Had he hurt Damien that much by saying he might not be trans? Did Damien feel lied to? Roman didn’t know, but he wouldn’t find out until this afternoon. Suddenly, he didn’t have as much of an appetite.

“Hey, Roman, it’s going to be okay,” Patton said, putting his hands on Roman’s shoulders and snapping him back into the moment. “None of this is your fault, and I know Damien knows that too. He doesn’t blame you. The most we have to worry about is if he blames himself.”

“What happens if he does that?” Roman asked, worried.

“He’ll isolate himself and won’t want anything to do with whoever he perceived he hurt. But I know Logan will be dragging Damien out of his room whether he wants to be out or not because he has papers to work on,” Patton said. “And usually once he has something to work on he feels much better.”

“Okay,” Roman said, heart settling only a fraction. At least Damien wouldn’t do anything drastic. He sincerely hoped that Damien wouldn’t try to avoid him, though. Damien was the one who made this all bearable. The Queen and King were nice, yes, but the Queen had to act like she was on his mother’s side, and that was painful enough last night. He didn’t want to deal with that any longer than he had to. “Do you think that Damien and I will be allowed any time alone after last night?”

“Do you want my honest opinion?” Patton asked, turning back to the food, “Or are you looking for reassurance?”

“Are they not the same thing?” Roman asked.

“Not necessarily,” Patton said. “They’re not polar opposites, but I might give you a different answer than the one you want.”

“I’d rather have your honest opinion,” Roman sighed. “Better to be realistic.”

“I think that if you want time alone with Damien, you’re going to have to pander to your mother a lot more. You’re going to have to pull the thickest wool you have over her eyes without her realizing it’s there. That’s going to take some impressive acting. Everyone in this castle except her is on your side, and almost everyone knows that you’re still transgender no matter what you do to convince your mother otherwise. Those who don’t know are those who might give the game away. But rest assured, Roman, we all want you to be yourself, whoever that might be,” Patton said.

Roman offered Patton a small smile. Virgil walked back into the room. “His mother was coming this way but I convinced her to look for him in his room first,” Virgil said. “You might still have to eat fast, unfortunately, Roman.”

“It’s okay,” Roman said, as the toaster dinged and Patton got everything on a plate. “I’m used to eating fast or on the go.”

Patton guided Roman to a clean counter, and all three of them sat down, Roman taking a big bite of his breakfast. He hoped Damien was okay. He hoped Damien had eaten this morning. Was the Queen serious when she had said that he wasn’t eating or sleeping well? Was that because of the wedding, or something more sinister? Roman wanted nothing more than to run to Damien’s room immediately after he finished breakfast and make sure he would be fine.

“Calm down, Roman, you look like you saw a ghost,” Virgil said.

“Hm?” Virgil asked, glancing up from his sandwich.

“Deep breaths,” Virgil said. “It sounds stupid, but they actually work. Damien will be fine. I promise you that. If for no other reason than because he has to spar with me later today as part of his exercise routines, and I will give him something to focus on that isn’t you or himself.”

“And that something would be a sword to the throat, wouldn’t it?” Patton asked with an amused smirk.

“Don’t be ridiculous, Patton,” Virgil scoffed. “Swordplay was last week, and we don’t do repeats. We’re grappling this week. Classic hand-to-hand combat.”

Roman snickered. “Oh, that would be a sight to see.”

“You’re welcome to watch, if you want,” Virgil said. “We do it early afternoon, usually fifteen minutes after Damien has lunch. If you want to see Damien in nothing more than what he has to wear for exercise, then by all means, make up an excuse to come outside.”

“As if I’d need an actual excuse, when I can just say I’m dragging him back inside for wedding planning,” Roman pointed out. “But yeah, I’d love to watch his butt get kicked.”

Virgil smirked. “You know, he kinda likes that.”

“What? Getting his butt kicked?” Roman asked dubiously.

“Well, he is a masochist...” Virgil said in a false-innocent tone. “I should know. I’m the one who found out about his bruises the first time he tried it with a partner.”

Roman nearly choked on his breakfast. “So that’s what he meant by ‘a new kink,’ oh god.” Roman laughed. “Well, that will be interesting.”

“You two gonna play around on your wedding night?” Patton asked with a wink.

Roman was turning red and he tried his best to finish breakfast without dying of laughter or embarrassment. “I don’t know,” Roman said.

“I mean, it’s bound to happen one way or another, your hands are as good as tied,” Patton said, a wicked gleam in his eyes.

“Okay, guys, please, I appreciate the information, but I do need to finish breakfast,” Roman said. “And before anything like that happens, we would need to have some very long, lengthy talks. I’m not about to hurt him in ways he doesn’t want just because we forgot to go over something.”

“Spoken like a good partner,” Virgil said, raising an imaginary glass and tilting his head towards Roman. “Major props.”

Roman shook his head in slight exasperation and finished his breakfast as fast as he could. As he was swallowing the last bite of his sandwich, his mother burst into the kitchen. “Veronica! There you are!”

“Ah, Your Majesty, I was just about to get you,” Virgil said, turning towards her and giving her a placating smile. “Turns out that your daughter was just getting breakfast after sleeping in.”

Roman stood with a sigh and offered his mother a weak wave. “Is there something you need, Mother?”

“I needed to talk to you,” his mother said. Roman’s heart leapt into his throat as she said, “It’s about last night.”

“Yeah?” Roman asked, forcing his hands to not tremble.

“I would appreciate us being able to speak somewhere private,” his mother said.

“All right,” Roman said. “Thank you for breakfast, Patton, it was truly delicious.”

“I’m glad, Your Highness,” Patton said with a small smile. He mouthed Good luck when Roman’s mother glanced at her phone and Roman just nodded.

“Come with me, Veronica,” his mother instructed.

Roman resisted the urge to roll his eyes and followed his mother out of the kitchen, and she took him to the day room where the Queen was apparently waiting. “Did you find her, Diana?” she asked.

“In the kitchen, Rose,” his mother said.

“Have a seat, dear,” the Queen said to Roman.

Roman did as he was told, resisting the urge to fidget. “What’s going on?” Roman asked.

“We need to talk about what happened last night, dear,” the Queen said. “You’re not in trouble, we just want to talk about it.”

“Okay...?” Roman said, heart still pounding.

“I have been thinking,” the Queen said. “And while I do see your mother’s argument, Damien had a point as well. He shouldn’t have tried to prove that point the way he did, but it’s undeniable that he whole-heartedly believes that you are transgender.”

“I mean, what can I say?” Roman asked. “I didn’t tell him that. My mother is the one who brought it up in the first place.”

“We know,” the Queen said. “But you deserve to have your side of the story heard as well. And I wish to hear your side.”

Roman’s heart hammered in his chest. How was he to explain his side and make his mother happy?

“Diana, I need you to promise that you won’t interject during this,” the Queen said, and Roman was stunned. “If we are to hear both sides, we can’t have anyone shouting.”

His mother looked about as stunned as Roman felt. “You want to feed into her delusion?” she asked.

“Of course not,” the Queen said. “But I also want to determine if this is a delusion at all.”

His mother showed a split second of panic before she put on an unreadable mask and said, “I suppose.”

“So...Roman,” the Queen said. “Tell us your side of the story.”

“Well, it all started out so long ago,” Roman said. “When Remus and I were children, really. I believed from the start that we were actually identical. The fact that he and I had different parts didn’t affect my opinion at all. I thought from the start that if he was a boy, then I was a boy. I never really appreciated dresses much, and I loved getting dirty and roughhousing with the guards. Even if people called me a girl, I would still think that at the very least, I was a tomboy, if not a boy outright. As I grew older, it became clear to me that was not the case. And for a while, I did believe that what I had thought as a child was just me being a child and not understanding different sexes. I assumed that I thought that because Remus was my only consistent playmate, and I wanted to fit in with him.

“But time went on, and puberty occurred, and I was dissatisfied with every single change that happened. I tried to embrace it, because everyone told me to. But bras were cumbersome, and periods hurt, and everything that happened to me just...wasn’t what I wanted, even though at that point I didn’t know what, exactly, I wanted. I questioned why my voice didn’t get deeper, like Remus’, and why I had to have breasts while he didn’t. And I spent years in denial, trying to fit in, you know? I tried to be the ‘good girl’ that everyone wanted me to be.

“I came across the word ‘transgender’ one day and...the thought just wouldn’t leave me. My experiences weren’t exactly the same as the stories I read, but...they lined up enough that it kept me awake at night thinking about it. And I wanted to experiment with a different name, maybe cut my hair short to the way I liked it as a child, just to see if this was something I truly wanted. So I went to Remus and asked him to try the different pronouns and name, and he complied. All I wanted was to see if this made more sense than what being a woman felt like.”

“And did it?” the Queen asked.

“At first, I didn’t feel too much of a difference, but after some time...maybe a week or two...if felt odd to respond to anything that wasn’t Roman and he or him. It felt more natural than the pronouns that everyone had been using for me the rest of my life. And I took that as my sign. I was...and I am transgender. I just...can’t see it any other way.”

The Queen nodded, and his mother stared at him, perturbed. “You never said any of this back home,” she said.

“You wouldn’t allow me to. You just yelled that I wasn’t transgender and confined me to my room,” Roman said with a shrug. “You haven’t let me explain myself since this whole argument began.”

The Queen hummed. “And you still believe that you are transgender?”

“I mean, I will admit that I may not have searched for as long a time as my mother may have wanted me to, but the surety I felt...you can’t make that up, Your Majesty. That feeling of right was so pure and so strong, I can’t believe that I would make that up as some part of delusion.”

“The whole point of a delusion is that you believe it to be real, Veronica,” his mother said.

“Mother...how can you still not see?” Roman asked. “Everything that I do to try and express myself...it may not be what you want for me but it makes me happy. When I was growing up all you ever wanted me to be was happy. But now that I know what makes me happy, you’re denying me it. I know it’s hard for you, but I want to be myself. Whoever I may be.”

His mother looked more lost than ever before.

Roman sighed. “I’m happier as Roman than I could ever be as Veronica, Mother. I’m sincere about that.”

“You’re my little girl, Veronica. You can never be anything else!” his mother said.

Roman didn’t bother hiding his flinch. “Mother, you’re still not listening to me.”

“And you aren’t listening to me!” his mother snapped.

“Mother. I’ve listened to you for over nineteen years of my life. And nothing you said about my identity ever sat right with me. I just want to see who I am outside your view of me.” Roman forced himself to stay calm. Snapping at his mother would completely cement her in her opinions.

“Diana, I’m inclined to believe...Roman,” the Queen said.

His mother looked like the Queen may as well have slapped her. “No! No, she’s my daughter, and she can never be anything else!”

“Mother—”

She glared at him and he closed his mouth with a click. “You’re my little victory, Veronica, isn’t that enough?! Isn’t it enough that I love you, and your father loves you? Why isn’t that enough for you?!”

Roman felt his patience snap. “You really want me to be your daughter?! You want me to shut up and sit down and never speak my mind, never trust you with anything ever again? Do you want to wake up ten years from now and wonder why we never speak anymore?! Because that’s what’s going to happen if you’re not careful!”

“You’re my daughter! Not my son!” his mother snapped.

Roman balled his hands into fists, standing. “You’re right about one thing: I’m not your son.”

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#roceit #sanders sides fanfiction #roman sanders #virgil sanders #patton sanders #royal growing pains #our creations #fun fact: this is this blog's 500th post

[sarahinshadows]

No Touchy

I would like to take a moment to quote from the great philosopher Kuzco:

Possible trigger warning: Violence

I think I have said this before, in fact I know I said it before, but I write all this stuff off the cuff with no preparation whatsoever, so things I wrote in the past aren’t always concrete memories... Where was I going? ... Oh yeah. I’m asexual.

I’m a rather, I suppose “skittish” would be the best term, around other people. One might even go so far as to say I am afraid of other people. Physical contact is something that does not come naturally, and following that line, sexual activity is not really something I seek out, or really consider as a possibility. Perhaps it has something to do with my distrust of people in general.

My fear of other people, is closely related to my dislike of physical contact. In turn, that is indicative of my lack of trust in other people. Physical contact implies a certain level of trust, I would argue. You trust the other person in your physical proximity not to hurt you. Hugs are just fancy ways to get stabbed in the back.

I’ve never been a hugger. School life just made it worse. A particular incident in 7th grade comes to mind. Things are exaggerated, and twisted in this tale to cover up the fact that this happened somewhere in the neighborhood of 25 years ago.

In my school career, 7th grade was the first year we were no longer given a recess. We were given a brief study hall-esque period after lunch, but that was about it.  This really didn’t affect me too terribly much, it just meant that I could read my book inside without the harmful glare of the daystar burning my flesh. On one particular day, as I was reading, minding my own business, when one of my classmates knocked the book out of my hand. Used to such behavior, I shrugged it off, picked the book back up, and resumed my reading. Not long after, a different classmate came along and knocked the book out of my hand. Then a third... and a fourth... I got angry and asked with some amount of venom in my voice for them to stop. That is when the attack came.

I was accosted from all sides, classmates attacking me, hitting me with anything they could get their hands on... including the actual desks. Let me tell you, getting hit with desks is not fun at all. The attack continued, and I backed further and further away, until my back was against the wall, I was shielding my face, hoping for them to stop, and I’m not afraid to admit I was crying. I was begging for them to stop. They didn’t stop, until the teacher showed up.

When the teacher showed up and saw the state of the classroom, they asked what was going on. Me being a blubbering mess hiding beneath the coat hooks couldn’t answer. Words had left me. The kids all responded with some variation of “The giant was attacking us.”

Without any care for the fact that I was the only one hurt, I was whisked away to the principals office, and was extremely close to expulsion, saved only by the courage of 2 out of the 30 kids stepping in and telling the principal that the other students’ account of what happened was not true.

Events like this embed themselves into your psyche. You may not remember the exact details, but your mind remembers the pain, the fear, the sense of hopelessness. Those become a part of who you are. It is possible that with some bit of therapy at the time I might have been able to overcome it, but my parents believed that I had in some way instigated the ordeal and rather than seeking help for me, they treated me as if I had done something wrong.

How does this story relate to anything I have said previously? It’s that letting people near you, leads only to pain. Trust is something that will get you hurt.

Is this some form of PTSD? Who knows. Has it shaped me into the hollow husk that I am now? Most definitely.

And thus... no touchy.

But that isn’t to say, I am completely opposed to touching. I am in a way a bit of a romantic. I like the romance that comes with a relationship, but not the sexual aspects. I crave the intimacy of such relationships. And I don’t care who it is with; male, female, or anyone else on the spectrum between. But for that to happen, I need to trust the person. Even once I do trust the person, physical contact is occasionally met with fear, and resistance. Sudden touches cause me to jump, and pull away. This has led to the downfall of more than one relationship...

And I suppose my lack of trust in other people is also why I stay in the closet about being transgender. Give people something to hurt you with, and they will. The sense of otherness that comes with being different from other people can be a sort of fear. If I present as who I appear to be, sure I will face ridicule, but it is a ridicule I am used to. It is pain and isolation that are like old friends at this point. Coming out, allowing people access to that facet of who I am... That is terrifying. Better to face the devil you know, rather than the devil you don’t right?

I write this as I prepare to sleep, prepare for another work week, and I realize something as exhaustion starts to set in (or perhaps it is just the meds) perhaps I am writing for catharsis, which I am... But perhaps I am also writing in the hopes that I will give myself permission to come out of the shadows.

#lgbtq #lgbtqiia+ #lgbtpride #lgbtq community #lgbt discourse #asexual #no touchy #transgender #trans life

[insane-enby]

MY GENDER IDENTITIESSSSSS

WHAT TIME IS IT?! SHOWTIME! (like I said......) SHOWTIME! SHOWTIME! WHAT!

Apologies. I’m listening to........ 

(WHAT’S YA NAME MAN?) ALEXANDER HAMILTON!

*clears throat* I mean, Hamilton, I’m listening to Hamilton. 

Anywayyyyyyyyyyyy, Let’s get down to business! (TO DEFEAT, THE HUNS) sorry, sorry, *makes extravagant/very sophisticated gesture* I tis in a musical mood today. XD (P.S. if you didn’t know, that last one, with the “defeat the Huns” line, is from MULANNNNNNNNNNNN) ((it still relates to LGBT tho! look: (note: I DID NOT create this, I found it on Pinterest, which I think was a thing from Tumblr actually))):

Let’s

Get down to

Business to defeat

The Huns

Anywayyyyyyyyyyyyy (again), anybody wanna know............. *suspensful drumroll* my identities! (not a question XD)

Warning: The following information may be confusing and strange. Aliks has many identities of the “minority”, many of which are not well known. If you wish to continue be prepared....... YOU HAVE BEEN WARNED  *wavy hands thingy gestures* *slowly backs into the shadows*

hehe........ heh. Yeah. #UltraQueer *peace sign*

*official sounding trumpets* ROUND 1, ✨GENDER✨ ((From now on every time I say ✨gender✨, Imma put the sparkly emoji thing))

#1 - (In my beautiful singing voice that actual sounds like a thousand rats dying) 🎵TRANSGENDER🎵 (TRANS) - Basically, it’s identifying as a ✨gender✨ other than the one your were assigned at birth. It can be binary (girl and boy) or non-binary (literally every ✨gender✨ besides “girl” and “boy”), as long as it isn’t the ✨gender✨ you were assigned at birth, you’re Trans. 

*Note: Although someone may be Trans by definition, they might not use that label or like that label for themselves.*

#2 - NON-BINARY (ENBY OR NB) - Means: identifying as a ✨gender✨ that is not one of the two binary ✨genders✨ (girl and boy). One can identify as just Non-binary, but it’s also an umbrella term for many, many other ✨gender✨ identities. ((Actually never mind, putting an emoji before and after “gender” is way too exhausting/takes to much time, and I’m lazy af :P))

*Note: Many people think that the term “non-binary” means having no gender. This CAN be true, for different individual people who identify this way, but often times “no gender” aka “lack of gender” is AGENDER. Non-binary is identifying as a gender that is not “girl” or “boy”, it is not the lack of gender, that would be Agender. (But someone who lacks gender does not have to identify as “agender”, they can identify as Non-binary, not have a label, make up their own label, or something else entirely)

#3 - GENDERQUEERRRRRRRRRRRRR ((minus 12 of those those “R”s)) - Okay, so I don’t know the ACTUAL definition of Genderqueer, pretty sure it varies from person to person, but I’m gonna copy and paste a definition of it from......... Merriam Webster Dictionary ((I’ll put the link at the end of this post))

genderqueer (adjective) - gen·​der·​queer | \ ˈjen-dər-ˌkwir\

Definition of genderqueer

of, relating to, or being a person whose gender identity cannot be categorized as solely male or female. “Genderqueer is a relatively new term that is used by a few different groups. Some people identify as genderqueer because their gender identity is androgynous.” — Laura Erickson-Schroth

Mmk. So that’s the dictionary definition of Genderqueer. For me it means that I’m not sure what gender I am, I know I’m not girl or boy (hence “non-binary”), but I dont know what I am. Probably some strange...... third..... gender or something(?) I don’t know. But I like the term, and it fits me so........ yeah. It’s different for every person.

WELP! That’s all for today! Apologies if that was confusing, I AM NOT the best explainer of stuff. Um...... well....... here’s the link to the Merriam Webster Dictionary definition of Genderqueer: 

https://www.merriam-webster.com/dictionary/genderqueer

I’ll make another post for my sexualities. (yes. plural). My gender might........ actually, no. It’s probably will change with time and I’ll update y’all when that happens! (bleh. feels so weird to say “y’all”.......). Also, at some point I may do a post with a bunch of different Gender Identities (not just mine) and their definitions. ((I may even include pronouns......... actually I might separate pronouns and genders, just because I dont want it to be TOO long)) Anywayyyyyyy, ((I’ve said that too many times haven’t I.........)) actually never mind, I literally can’t think of anything else to say. 

See ya!

-Aliks (They/Them, Xe/Xem, Ze/Zir, He/Him)

P.S. Apologies for making this so long............. I probably bore you not even halfway in, so nobody is probably reading this part (if anybody was even reading this in the first place), BUT, if someone fought through the boredom and is reading this part............ *falls to knees* I’M SORRY THIS WAS SO LONG!!!! *sobs* 

Have a great rest of your day/night! and if I dont see you again ((meaning yu dont read my posts again...... I hope you have a wonderful life! (2020 aside) :P ((I put too many of those faces too......))

#identities #trans #enby #genderqueer #hamilton #mulan #musicals #merriam webster #definitions #gender