#(*or maybe it was just a couple weeks? idk time is an illusion lol)

[semperama]

trick or treat🧡🧡 (idk if you want specific ish requests or not, but just in case ex husbands maxiel maybe? 👀 nothing spookier than that lol)

Always SO happy to talk about ex husbands maxiel. Here's a (possible, I can't commit this to stone) headcanon for how they end up back together (because of course they end up back together):

--

After Max retires from racing, he starts spending more time at home with his sister and mother and less and less time in Monaco, and he and Daniel see less and less of each other. Daniel had been finding excuses to show up to races, helping out with commentary and stuff, but once Max isn't there, he starts splitting his time between Australia and LA, depending on business obligations. They go from seeing each other frequently to almost never and it's--Daniel feels hollow, like he's been carved out inside, and if something hits him wrong, he'll shatter into a million pieces.

He ends up deeply depressed in ways he can't acknowledge, going through the motions of his own life. Nothing feels right anymore. Food doesn't taste right. The air doesn't feel right on his skin. He still smiles and laughs and sees his friends, but sometimes it's like he's watching his life from a distance, not really experiencing anything anymore.

Then one day he runs into Max in LA, just like he used to before they were even dating, when his heart started beating fast at the sight of him but he wasn't able to acknowledge what that meant. It hurts this time, because even after the divorce, Max always used to tell him when he was going to be in town, but this time he didn't.

(What he doesn't know is that Max has been suffering too. He only retreated into his family for comfort. He's only stayed away from Daniel because the exes-with-benefits thing started to hurt too much. He always, always wanted to ask Daniel to give him another chance, but he was too afraid Daniel would say no.)

Daniel invites Max back to his place and realizes too late how shameful it is--unwashed dishes in the sink, empty cans and bottles scattered around, clothes on the floor of the bedroom (including one of Max's old Red Bull t-shirts, which he sleeps in sometimes, even though it lost Max's smell a long time ago). But Max doesn't comment on any of it, and they fuck on Daniel's rumpled, unwashed sheets, and afterward they hold each other for a long, long time, and Daniel has to keep biting down on his bottom lip to keep from saying something he shouldn't, or shouting, or sobbing.

Max is the brave one who finally says, "I miss you," and Daniel gives in to the impulse to ask Max to stay with him for a while. Max has a flight in a couple days, but he changes it and ends up staying with Daniel for a couple weeks instead, and even though they don't talk about what it all means, Daniel feels like he's coming alive again. His chest hurts constantly--like the pins and needles of the blood rushing back into a limb that was asleep--but that's better than the numbness he had before. They fall back into their old routines, going for runs along the same routes they used to take through the hills, visiting the restaurants they loved, curling up on the couch to watch dumb movies. Daniel ignores texts and calls from friends, because he doesn't want to shatter the illusion.

Then it comes time for Max to leave, and Daniel just--can't. He thinks he might die if he has to watch Max walk out the door again. He literally will lie down on the floor and never get up again. While Max packs his things, Daniel hovers, pacing the bedroom, opening his mouth and then closing it again against words he knows he doesn't have a right to say.

Finally, finally, he lets himself croak, "I don't want you to go." Max turns to him, and his eyes are red, and his hands are balled into fists, and he says, "I will stay, if you tell me to."

They cancel Max's flight. A month later, Max goes with Daniel back to Perth. The ache in Daniel's chest goes away. His smile feels real again.

#this ended up longer than i meant it to sorry!! #my writing #maxiel #f1 #made myself cry a little bit lol

[yaz-the-spaz]

super late to the party but...

so i was tagged to make a post of my 9 favorite albums by @waxxbutterfliess​ @verseziam​ and @zaynisamoonflower​ what feels like ages ago now*, and also more recently by @dddarkbrain​ which wowww way to put on the pressure guys and really put me on the spot cause lbr when you’re tagged by 4 PEOPLE (FOUR!) you can’t NOT do it without looking like a giant asshole lol but anyways since we all know i can’t pick a favorite anything worth a damn nor follow rules to save my life, this is less a list of 9 favorite albums and more so just a list of 5839580943 however many i damn well please albums that i’ve listened to A LOT over the last 5 or so years. so. in no particular order and without further ado, i present my list of favorite heavily-listened to albums…

zayn - mind of mine

zayn - icarus falls

ariana grande - yours truly

ariana grande - my everything

ariana grande - dangerous woman

ariana grande - sweetener*

little mix - salute

little mix - glory days

troye sivan - blue neighborhood

troye sivan - bloom

ed sheeran -  +

ed sheeran - ×

ed sheeran - ÷

rihanna - anti

todrick hall - straight outta oz**

kehlani - sweetsexysavage

demi lovato - demi

beyoncé - lemonade

edit: just realized i completely forgot to tag people...biggest facepalm ever...anyways i feel like most people i’m tagging have probably already done this by now but - @empty-altars​ @ohthathurt​ @storyanonguy​ @rambvers​ @harryandlouisarehappilystrong​ @all4zayn​ @ziamminds​ @brodferd​ @she-is-the-kryptonite​ and @amnesiaa-on-ice​ you’ve been tapped! sorry if you’ve already done this (or just don’t feel like it), as always feel free to ignore or also join in if you want even if you weren’t tagged :)

#tumblr tag #tag game #about me #music #(*or maybe it was just a couple weeks? idk time is an illusion lol) #anyway #there’s also a lot of pentatonix albums i could’ve included but that would’ve been too many albums by them to list lol #**p.s. can you tell i like ariana grande lol? #also also #***fun fact: i’ve had an idea for a ziam ficlet based on ‘colors’ for the longest and just never got around to it lmao #also also also kicking myself cause i can’t believe i forgot about janelle monae's dirty computer until i saw dddarkbrain’s post #but i had already made this post and added all the pics and queue’d everything up by then so too late now #4th also - sorry for the shitty quality in pics the collage maker thing i used was not the greatest #but then you get what you pay for i guess when you use free website programs lol #anyway can’t believe this turned into 18 goddamn albums smdh #(20+ really when you add on dirty computer and the however many ptx albums lol) #wow man look at me queen of parentheticals and addendums i should put that in my bio lol

[moprocrastinates]

50 questions tag game

thanks so much for the tag, @slightlyrebelliouswriter23!!!

What is the colour of your hairbrush? which one? my favorite one is purple!

Name a food you never eat: mushrooms. i’m convinced i will die.

Are you typically to warm or too cold? too cold, always. it’s that ~bad circulation~. 

What were you doing 45 minutes ago? updating my quote book!

What's your favourite candy bar? something with chocolate... Heath Bar, maybe? i like toffee!

Have you ever been to a professional sports game? yes, many. a few against my will, but were “FFF.” (forced family fun)

What was the last thing you said out loud? "Why don’t people read directions?”

What is your favourite ice cream? Buckeye Blitz (Graeter’s, always). 

What was the last thing you had to drink? tea with milk and sugar.

Do you like your wallet? i guess. it’s olive green. it’s also helpful for the whole ‘money’ thing our society is built on.

What was the last thing you ate? hardboiled egg!

Did you buy any new clothes last weekend? i don’t even remember when i last bought clothes. i need them, though.

What's the last sporting event you watched? um, maybe the SuperBowl Halftime show? they didn’t run the Derby yet this year!

What is your favourite flavour of popcorn? white cheddar.

Who is the last person you sent a text message to? my friend Grace!

Ever go camping? yes! many times. i live next to a state park.

Do you take vitamins? yes!

Do you go to church every Sunday? lol no, not anymore! but sometimes i listen to certain musical artists and have a religious experience with them.

Do you have a tan? hahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha NOOOOO. i’m so pale i’m basically translucent.

Do you prefer Chinese food or pizza? Chinese food!

Do you drink your soda through a straw? if it’s one of my own reusable straws, yes! but also, i don’t drink soda!

What colour socks do you usually wear? they are running socks, so they’re ugly, worn, and a faded white-gray. or i’ll wear fandom-related ones.

Do you ever drive above the speed limit? all the time. basically, if you’re not going at least 5 over, you’re not driving the speed limit

What terrifies you? being stuck.

Look to your left. What do you see? my pillow and my purse.

What chore do you hate most? vacuuming.

What do you think of when you hear an Australian accent? That One Couple From The Show That Will Not Be Named

What's your favourite soda? if i had to drink one, probably vanilla Coke. Or Dr. Pepper. flavored ones.

Do you go in a fast food place or just hit the drive-thru? drive-thru for sure. isn’t the point of a fast food joint that it’s fast?

What's your favourite number? 23. whatever my age is, usually.

Who's the last person you talked to? my brother!

Favourite cut of beef? ... sirloin? skirt steak? idk man, i don’t really have an opinion on beef. 

Last song you listened to? Work Song by Hozier (i was writing a love story)

Last book you read? Modern Faerie Tales by Holly Black

Favourite day of the week? time is an illusion

Can you say the alphabet backwards? yup. dare me to not do something, and i’ll do it in spades.

How do you like your coffee? as sweet as possible, and with milk

Favourite pair of shoes? i have these tie-dye shoes that are colorful and pretty

Time you normally get up? 7:45am 

Sunrises or sunsets? sunsets

How many blankets are on your bed? 4 (told you i’m cold)

Describe your kitchen plates. idk. they’re my parents’ from their wedding, and they are white and circular with a weird floral design on the rims

Describe your kitchen at the moment. messy. no one’s loaded the dishwasher today and i REFUSE to do it bc i’m currently the only one that does

Do you have a favourite alcoholic drink? tequila or rum

Do you play cards? yes. very well actually.

What colour is your car? blue-green

Do you know how to change a tire? yes, and i’m terrible at it

Your favourite state? asleep and dreaming

Favourite job you've had? german teacher, horseback riding instructor for kindergarteners, and summer program assistant

How did you get your biggest scar? tripping on a rug in my garage and hitting my head on the corner of the concrete stairs + falling off an exercise machine fact-first (this same scar was busted open those 2x within 3 weeks when I was 2 1/2 years old)

Tagging: @slytherinoftarth @aspeckof-stardust @janeaustened

#thanks for the tag love!!! #ask game #tagged: moprocrastinates

[uiruu]

Okay so here’s a confession lmao... I kind of got into Loona because of Hunter x Hunter. 

I got caught up in the HxH manga, and there are apparently a lot of references to a jpop idol group called Keyakizaka46. There’s a nen ability called “Silent Majority”, which is like a doll thing with the exact same haircut as the main member of that group, who has a song called Silent Majority. Also Halkenburg’s bow and arrow nen ability has him make a pose from the song Fukyouwaon. So I saw that and was like “WHAT THE HELL TOGASHI”, and I checked out those songs. They’re okay. Nothing to write home about. I mean like, they’re fun I guess, I like Fukyouwaon better of those two (which are the only ones I heard), but idk. I listened to it a lot for a couple days, it was like a guilty pleasure thing haha. And then like I must have seen posts from some of my HxH mutuals (who probably aren’t mutuals anymore after... uh... the drama in late february lmao...) post about Loona, and I was like okay, if I’m listening to this idol group that I can kinda tell isn’t like the highest quality thing in the world, let’s see what a Real group is like. 

I wasn’t really attuned to the differences between jpop and kpop, though I think I have a better understanding of the prevailing trends and styles that differentiate them (not just language. theyre as different as hiphop from LA and UK grime rap. that’s pretty different). But yeah, I was interested to see what a really Quality group sounded like. I wasn’t really expecting much, I was expecting something very catchy but kinda bland, like a lot of American pop is. I was also expecting something a little exploitative because of just the nature of having a group of “idols”, and I’d heard stuff about the kpop industry that wasn’t pleasant. 

And like, I listened to Hi High (which was the top result at the time. i got into them about a week before Butterfly), and I liked it at first. I wasn’t ready to let myself love it, though. In the back of my mind there was that voice saying “lol what are you doing, you are not the target audience for this, i should keep this to myself cause it’s embarrassing. if i admit that i’m listening to kpop right now i’ll be laughed at haha”. But still, it was catchy as hell and I liked that. The video production was sooooo good too, that video looks like a movie.

I watched Egoist too cause I guess it was the top related video, and I thought that song was pretty good, but idk I guess a lot of it just didn’t like sink in or something? I don’t really know. I listened to some others but didn’t find anything that stood out, I think there was a point just before Butterfly released where I liked Hi High, Egoist, and Love Cherry Motion (though I was kinda iffy on that one). I remember talking to my friend Jaci about them cause I know Jaci’s a kpop fan, and they said that they were kinda into Loona but not especially, though Heart Attack is one of the best kpop songs ever made. After hearing that, I listened to Heart Attack, but I didn’t really like it, it was a bit too bubblegummy for me, I guess.

Then Butterfly came out, and by then I knew most of the members by name (not all), and I had watched videos from people like formoftherapy about the songs I had heard and so I felt better about liking kpop cause the illusion of it being completely shallow was shattered. Butterfly didnt wow me at first... I liked the video a lot but the song was kinda eh. The “wings, wings” in the chorus stuck out to me in a bad way lol, I didn’t like that. 

So anyway, by then I was like huh, I’m gonna check out some more stuff. So I listened to groups like Momoland and Blackpink and Red Velvet. And by listened to, I mean really just kinda one song from each of those. I listened to other Momoland songs after Bboom Bboom and they didnt really do anything for me. I listened to Red Velvet songs besides Peekaboo and they were okay, Russian Roulette was pretty good but not something that really wowed me, but I was super super super into Blackpink for about a week there haha. I don’t know, I really liked Ddu-Du Ddu-Du, and I liked the members a lot. They’re only four members, so it was really easy to get into them. I listened to more of their songs though and at first I liked them, but the more I listened, the more I realized how bad they are lol. The members themselves are fine but god, some of the other Blackpink songs besides that one are just really bad. To me, anyway. And I think that’s when I realized... oh... Loona’s really something unique, huh?

Like, listening to other groups made me like Loona more hahaha. That’s when everything started to click with me. Songs that didnt impress me at first, like Girl Front and Favorite and especially Heart Attack started REALLY clicking with me. Suddenly every song I listened to from them I liked. And I was noticing things in their songs that I didn’t notice at first. And like, that’s also when it hit me... oh, it’s not just that Grimes did a feature in the intro to one of their songs, they actually take a lot of inspiration from Grimes musically. Aaaaaand that was the nail in the coffin. See, I was one of the biggest Grimes fans alive before we all collectively realized she’s kind of a shitty person. So, to see the good aspects of her music translated and adapted and iterated on by another group is cool. It also kinda made me facepalm because like god fucking damn it, I thought I was free of Grimes, turns out even when I get into something I thought was totally separate, nope... I can’t escape haha. Then though I started noticing interesting and experimental-ish production EVERYWHERE in their songs. 

And that’s when I’m like okay... I gotta finally go through and watch all their videos in order. I knew bits and pieces about the Loonaverse already, so I was ready to sink my teeth in and see it all for myself. It takes about 2 hours to watch all their music videos but it’s really worth it, that was a cool experience haha. The next day, I watched some of formoftherapy’s reactions to doing that same marathon too, and that helped me notice and appreciate even more things, especially about the music video production, since that’s what they specialize in talking about. 

And then you know, two or so weeks later, here we are, and I’m all in, haha. It’s wild to think that I thought Egoist was pretty good and Heart Attack was not really my cup of tea at first haha. Egoist now blows me away EVERY time I watch that video... the song is sooooooo good and the video is maybe their best and most cohesive video aesthetically and thematically speaking. Heart Attack is also in my top 5 songs now.. so is Butterfly haha, that song grew on me a lot too. It helps for Butterfly that the choreo and video are so artistic and masterful. 

Oh, also, one last thing, in the part where I mention other groups... I don’t wanna knock Red Velvet at all. I love Red Velvet. I could write a separate post about my journey with their music too, and how there was a moment when their songs also started clicking for me, and I think they’re just as adventurous and eccentric as Loona. I like Loona more cause I’m more personally invested, and I think Loona covers a broader range of styles and themes and stuff, but Red Velvet are really, really good. I cannot overstate that lol. Also, there are other groups and songs I’ve gotten into since then too, I’m not just a fan of two groups lol. Though to be honest, if I had to pick the ones that I think are doing something really interesting and stand out from the crowd, I think there’s only three groups I would call myself a die hard fan of, and that’s Loona, Red Velvet, and Fromis_9 (who have sooo much potential, im excited to see where they go). 

That’s all! I don’t expect anyone will reblog this (cause its so specific to me lol) or even read this, it’s pretty long after all, but if you did, thanks <3 I just wanted to write about my journey with this. Cause like, it’s cool how this type of thing can happen. It was cool to watch myself start to allow myself to really get into it. I could feel myself getting more and more into it but I was embarrassed about that and I thought it was really lame of me haha. I don’t mean that I was sad or scared or whatever, again, I just thought it was really lame haha. But I mean, deep down I thought it was cool, and the more I got into it, the more that became the only way I thought of it. And now I just think it’s really worth checking out and like not all that lame at all. There are lame groups, yeah. It’s just cool that Loona isn’t one of those. I didn’t expect that the one I heard the most about was 1. not even close to the most popular, and 2. really deeply musically interesting and risktaking, and that’s something that’s always appealed to me about the music I like. Who knew that Loona of all groups would be like that lol. You know... Loona. From the “Stan Loona” memes. Huh. 

Go figure. 

#loona #long post #o

[leointhemoon-blog]

my past with dieting

wow, i think this post might end up being long.

to begin with, i was a fat kid from the very start. i don’t think i was obese but i was, i guess, overweight. now that i look back at it, it might have been the baby fat that added to the illusion. or maybe not, since i was fatter than everyone else in my grade. 

before i even started school, i was just known to my family as that toddler that loved to eat. as with every story about eating disorders (disclaimer: i never really had an eating disorder but i guess... i almost did if that’s possible.), a likely factor would be the bullies. so in my story, my first bullies would’ve been my relatives. 

it’s funny because the word and notion of “family” are supposed to resemble people who support you and care about you. i’m not saying my family doesn’t, but i guess they just have the worst ways of showing it... maybe it’s part of being asian? 

anyway, i would remember when my parents dropped me off at my uncle’s place. he’s the second oldest brother of my mom. the uncle would every so often pick at me and say “oh who’s the chubby baby? it’s you” or some cringey baby talk that people do to toddlers-- except it’s usually “who’s a good girl” not “who’s the chubby kid”. lol. there was my cousin, his daughter, who is like at least a decade older than me who didn’t hide her dislike towards me and constantly ask “why do you eat so much?” i often didn’t answer because tbh, as a really young child, i wasn’t much of a person that reacted.

they weren’t wrong ofc. i actually did eat a hella lot. damn, i was a fat kid, deadasssss. even my mom joined on in the pinching of my belly and teasing. i think my first time being self-conscious about it was when i kept sucking in my belly as much as possible when my mom tried to force me into some uncomfortable ass jeans.

when i was a student at my third elementary school (my family moved multiple times), that’s when the bullying started. there’s a ton to say on that matter, maybe i’ll make a separate post, so i’ll just talk about the moments that really matter here. in general, the girls would often refer to me as the fat kid and sometimes would even throw in a comment or two. damn, why are kids so mean sometimes? even now, as a near young adult, i still see kids bullying each other and i can’t help but sigh in disappointment how it’s innate nature of humans to bully others. it’s kind of ridiculous. if you’re going to dislike someone, don’t show it enough to make them feel utterly terrible about themselves. if it gives you power to do so, you’re rotten trash. literally, you’re the real ugly one here.

i remember once when i was sitting a couple of rows behind the rest of the girls in my class in the auditorium of my elementary school, i was watching them talk. and they talked loud so i heard everything. they were just saying stuff like “i do this to my hair to make it look prettier” and “omg your hair is so long it’s so pretty”. i guess they caught me staring so one just smiled and said “(my name) can never be pretty enough with that short hair” to which another said “she’s kind of fat anyway”. ok, first of all-- i loved my damn ass dora the explorer hair cut ok? i was excited to go to the barbershop as a child to request the dora haircut specialty, bitch, i rocked it. i was sorta hurt by both the short hair and fat comments but like again, i didnt say anything i just looked away. 

after that, the next time my dad brought me to the hairdresser, i was rebellious as heck. i didnt want short hair. i wanted to keep it long. but you know, there’s only so much 6 year old me can do, so i got my hair cut anyway.

fast forward to fifth grade. after years of constant teasing about my shape and weight, i think i had my awakening after i finished some good ass sandwich at barnes and nobles. i told my mom i was going to use the bathroom and so i did. after washing my hands, i looked into the mirror. ahh, the mirror that makes all the self-conscious people shudder. but i think i had never felt extremely self-conscious and distraught until then. 

nobody was in the bathroom at that time, so i was brave enough to continue staring. i took in the sight of my flabby arms (which honestly wasn’t that flabby but it wasn’t thin) and most of all, my round belly. i was horrified as i turned to the side and gaped at how my stomach protruded out of my abdomen. it was like i have never noticed before. then as if a dam has been broken. all those comments and pinching at my body flooded my mind, screaming at me that yes, you are fat. you just realized? again, remind you, i literally wasn’t obese. i was overweight. two totally different things. if i want to make myself feel better, i guess i was borderline overweight only but idk, i was still fat. 

i went home that night looking up on the internet “how to be cute” and “how to be pretty” like the naive kid i was and i gave up reading on tips on how to stand or how to dress. i decided i was going to diet. 

when i refused to eat more when my mother offered another helping at dinner, i told her i was going to diet. immediately, she yelled angrily and was probably shocked, like who gave my daughter that idea what-- i was and still am a stubborn person so i persisted... i’m not going to go too deep into this because it was often just her trying to feed me and me trying to eat less and less. 

i remember when we were at this shopping mall we frequently visited and i was in the dressing room trying to fit on new bras. when my mom helped me buckle up my bra after i finished trying on things, she said, “(my name), you got skinnier. i don’t even need to clasp your bra at the outermost row.” there were three sections for adjustment. i had managed to go from the outermost one to the innermost one. her voice held disappointment, but my heart had felt so light. i was elated.

this continued on into sixth and seventh grade. that’s right, it continued on deep into middle school. except it gotten worse. not only was i cutting down on portions of meals at home, i even did so at school. i skipped lunch, opting to avoid the lunch lines. i managed to skip breakfast when one day i got the idea of lying to my mom. “dont give me breakfast at home. i can just eat the school breakfast” to which she believed and sent me off to school without realizing i really wasn’t going to eat anything. i spent classes with awkward stomach growling. at that time, i didn’t know people could hear your stomach make noises when it’s hungry so i was fine with it lol. i slimmed down by a whole lot. 

just to mention, if you’re going to lose weight, make exercise a thing. don’t strictly diet like me. i should’ve probably exercised but nah, i just depended on eating less or not eating at all. like any other rant, i’ll mention this: the rough start of my depression started at the beginning of eighth grade.

i was sick of “friendships”. sick of being used. sick of being second or third or anything else not first. sick of being manipulated. sick of being easily thrown away. most of all, i was just so sick of myself. i felt like i could never be able to have a friend. a friend i could depend on. i cut off all ties, if they barely even existed. i went into complete isolation. eighth grade was the grade i spoke not a single word to anyone. unless ofc i had to answer some question in class or do some group discussion. but even then, i honestly went so quiet. more quiet than i ever was before.

when i did speak a word outside in the hallway once, my classmate thought he was funny and said “wow, (my name) can talk?” and laughed like it was just that damn funny. idk bro, you got nothing better to laugh about? it’s nice that i matter so much to you, you had to make a comment, let alone say my name because clearly my attention wasn’t even on you in the first place. 

anyway, hell yeah, i was hella emo. and when i’m emotionally depressed af, my appetite is ruined. starting that year, i fell into constant times of not feeling like eating. by then i was already thin enough i guess. i admit, i wasn’t skin and bones. but i wasn’t overweight anymore. my skin grew paler. it became harder for me to stand up without feeling lightheaded. i began catching colds more often than i ever had before. none of that deterred me from dieting though, despite by the start of my depression, i was already midway through not strictly dieting anymore.

depression continued that for me though. it hurt to eat sometimes. when i feel like crying, when my throat feels rough, my heart feels heavy, why add to the pain by forcing myself to swallow food? i’m not bulimic, i never was. i just avoided food. i would constantly protest “mom, i’m not dieting, i really just am not hungry.” did i ever mention that throughout my years and still up to this day, my mom would constantly throw shade at me for choosing to diet in the past? it hurts every time she does. in fact, i started writing this long ass post just because she did it again today. 

i think she also started to notice my increase in depressing mood so sometimes she won’t say much if i refuse to eat. it was like my body hurt when i saw food and my mind drove me somewhere else to avoid the food placed in front of me. food repulsed me. my stomach turned at seeing it. near the end of eighth grade, i gotten into my first serious relationship with some girl 2-3 years older than me online. it lasted for about a year. honestly, it was a very rocky one. i constantly felt depressed. she was depressed too. she made me feel more depressed than i’d be if she wasn’t there, if i had to be honest. 

the week following after our breakup, i was utterly broken. 14 year old me had no idea what i was supposed to do. it was halfway through my freshman year at high school. i didn’t have much friends. i only had one. even then, they weren’t there to support me. the other one...who’s now my best friend...i had lost her contact number. it wasn’t until four months later til i finally got in touch with her again so she wasn’t there to help me through my post break up either.

if me skipping meals often because of emotions was bad, this week was the worst. i legitimately didn’t eat more than 3-4 small bites of food a day. even now, i’m surprised how i managed to survive that week on so little food and how my mom didn’t even say much. she did notice and ask “why arent you feeling hungry these days? something wrong?” to which i’d brush off. i cried a lot. a hella lot. most of the times, it was heaving like i was trying to throw up my heart. i mean, i still have my crying sessions as i’m still...hella...depressed and yeah it feels like that. it be like that sometimes. and then the moments besides “most of the times” was me sniffling on the school bus because i just couldn’t stop thinking about it.

i could’ve killed myself. i nearly could’ve. midyear exams were coming. the stress from both school and my personal life was overwhelming. my body was destroyed. but somehow, i manage to overcome myself and get myself back into focusing on the exams. damn, i was hella scholar. now i’m not though lol. but then, i was focused since i was only a freshman that had just gotten into a prestigious school. the exams had managed to make me forget about what happened temporarily.

now, i still constantly look down on my body and wonder if i’m too fat. i still fat check. i squish my thighs, stare at them, hold them, then stare again. i look at my belly, i pinch it, i stare, i hold it tight wishing i can make the fat disappear. i’m not fat per se. people now call me skinny af, call me a pile of bones (i’m not, they’re exaggerating but i wish i was tbh). i hold my arms, squishing them to see if they’re too thick or not. i still look in the mirror observing the width of my body. i still try to calculate how much i’ve eaten on a daily basis. thinking about what i ate today and how much i’ve eaten. 

perhaps, i’m not actively starving myself anymore, but those actions of paranoia and self-consciousness never left me...my stomach is probably ruined. will that stop me? probably not. i’ll be honest.

[moonflowerus]

Dont apologise, I like talking to you!

Since you’re done now, is it okay to ask what your thesis was about?

Sadly we don’t get to pick our own supervisors, but I don’t mind the professors I have so whichever one I land is okay with me, though some of them are more lenient than others. I remember a friend of mine had one who wanted a chapter within a couple of weeks, and that is a lot to research and write in that amount of time. I ended up electing to switch to part time to get more time to write; the word count isn’t massive, but when you start writing, it’s really hard to fill all of that up!

Oh my gos, Incomplete! It’s one of my ultimate favourite songs ever. Not cliche at all, I absolutely understand don’t worry, I also relate to it on a very personal level and I’m so happy to hear that you like it too! I’m only active on here since fandom Twitter makes me kind of uncomfortable, but I haven’t seen as much love for Incomplete as for their other songs :( I love your other choices too! Honestly I love the flower and moon imagery in ONEUS’ content as I do in ONEWE’s. I absolutely adore the moon, and anything to do with space, so I’m always overexcited when either of them do anything to do with that. Do you listen to ONEWE also?

Also our taste in biases.. unmatched😋😌 Hwanwoong is one of my ult biases but if it wasn’t for that and for the fact that Seoho caught my attention first, it would be SO difficult to pick biases! ONEUS are so funny and cute altogether, when I think about bias wreckers I truly can’t pick because of how much I love and appreciate and admire them all.

Also sorry to write essays back, you definitely don’t have to match length. I’m just super excited :D I hope you’re well! - 🐿

Of course! I analysed the relationship between celebrities' communication teams and the fans. As anxious as it made me, I loved my theme, I've always been interested in fandom studies. I brought many examples in one of the chapters and oneus was amongst them! As bad examples, sure, but hey, still there. So, in a way, oneus helped me graduate :)

It kind of sucks you can't choose your supervisor, but I'm glad none of the choices are too bad! Here, I had to reach out and see if the professor wanted to take me in, and he did. And yeah, that sounds hard, mine was very chill, maybe too much lol but it gave me space to work things out on my own, so I only came to him for support and to have him check what I'd written and get feedback.

I'm glad you like Incomplete as much as me! I've always seen a lot of appreciation for it, though? But I guess I'm considering stuff I've seen across different social medias. I think everyone can relate to it at least a little bit - I think everyone felt lost at one point of another. But yes, it's in my top 3 life songs, as I think of it.

Okay sorry but I need to scream about this YES FLOWER AND MOON AESTHETICS!! I love love love flower aesthetics, and the moon too, I guess nature imagery is nice as a whole. If you love the moon and space then you certainly found your place in weus!

Yes, I listen to a bit of onewe. They seem lovely but I don't keep up much, I've been meaning to listen to alter ego: planet nine for so long rip. Basically, I tried listening to their first album (one?) long ago but didn't vibe with it. But I liked some of the singles and enjoyed most/all of memory: illusion (idk how many songs it has I always heard them separate as recommended songs). Then the new album came and I really liked rain to be, and veronica, and aurora... and also checked out cosmos, and liked it too. So yeah I should definitely listen to the other songs on the album! I didn't really vibe with star though :/ Tbh one thing that feels a bit... foreign? to me in kpop is the excessive attention given to the bias thing? And omg this isn't directed at you but a general thought. Like, yes I have biases who I love a lot but if I'm a fan of a group, I love all of them! So I definitely understand what you mean when you say it's hard to pick. To me, it's not that I love the non bias members less, it's that I love my biases even more, if that makes sense. And yes hwanwoong is... wow he's everything. I think technically he was the one to catch my attention first... really tied with ravn. Then seoho joined in as I learned more about oneus!

And don't be sorry, in case you haven't noticed I talk a lot so I will probably write essays back. It makes me so happy you're excited bc I'm very excited too!! I like talking to you. I hope you're doing good too! By the way, I was thinking, is there something I can call you? I know you're my Secret Santa but idk, you sign off with a squirrel and it'd be nice to call you by something unique... is there any nickname that can come from squirrel? 🤔

#mine #foroneus:ss

[pidgezero-one]

assorted thoughts about the state of my stream and discord server

haven't been doing the stream thing a whole lot lately, and that's mostly because of a couple of things

1) i've been very busy with commissions (see https://twitter.com/pidgezero_one/status/972189424955088897 for info) - this is good!

2) i've been kinda sick lately, symptoms of chronic fatigue syndrome. don't think this is what I actually have, but it was wild to be sleeping 10-11 hours a day after 10 hours of commuting+working. my job is not physically demanding or mentally draining, and i'm fairly certain that my exhaustion was partially caused by other ppl's personal drama surrounding me. this is bad

so anyway, i've completely emotionally checked out of the situations contributing to reason #2, and it's a bad feeling, but i definitely feel healthier and less tired. but this in part led to me kinda reconstructing my discord server to:

a) be less "intense" of a social environment - not only was the serious talk channel being used in ways that are not really appropriate for a public stream discord (which I think contributed to an atmosphere which would be alienating to many members), it was also feeling kinda cliquey at times and it felt strange to me that I couldnt even keep up with my own server most of the time. i wanted it to be somewhere chill where anyone who watches my stream can contribute without having to be part of an established friend group, but at the same time the LAST thing I want is to discourage people from forming close friendships with each other (seriously, if that can happen because of a community I created, that's a personal victory for me)! finding that balance is an ongoing learning process I guess. i think removing the channel in question was prob the best compromise here.

b) include more dedicated channels related to my stream content. i've spent the last few days brainstorming sub perks and such and am kinda working on that in the background. chances are everyone in my discord is there because they either like my stream or like being friends with me, so it probably ought to be easier to find stuff in there related to my stream

i kinda hope that ppl who have been active there before and have fallen off will start to come back, but also that ppl who are active there wont feel like im trying to make our home a sterile place. just trying to find that inclusive balance

as for frequency/content:

i've got a ton more art commissions to do, but tonight i'll be resuming doing art streams. i think i've been burning myself out pushing myself to get through my entire queue before I even think about streaming, when in reality balancing my time throughout the week will result in higher quality work.

i'm on a huge smrpg kick right now, and that means running whatever category I feel like. that means i'm returning to any% as soon as I finish rebuilding my strat chart. I pbed culex RTA yesterday, I routed and ran an all bosses category for fun, and MOTS is the most fun ive ever had with speedrunning, but I do wanna go back to the real category as well.

early morning streams have been good to wake me up, for the foreseeable future this will just be idiot pills 1-10 as it's all I have time for in the morning. so far i've short-streamed every weekday at 6 am for two weeks and plan on keeping the habit up.

on the side i'm resuming dkc2 and AC. casually I wanna play the nier games, alttp, super metroid, ff9 in the nier (heh) future

a tougher topic: i'm not really sure where to go with the presentation of my stream. i've always just done, said, and played whatever I felt like. for the most part I want to keep doing that, but there are some overhauls i'm considering, namely i've been thinking for a while about making my stream more pg. i'm approaching 30 and many of my friends have young kids at home and i don't want to be off limits to them because i'm swearing too much or being inappropriate or whatever. at the same time, the viewers who built the community I already have, have done so and participated under my long history of relative lack of rules to enforce, which has been clearly enjoyable for them considering the wonderful support i've gotten, and I absolutely don't want to alienate them either. this doesn't have an easy answer and is something i'll have to think about for a while.

another thing that's been nagging at me for a while: meme typecasting! I get blamed a lot for "encouraging it", but if you really pay attention... read my tweet history, discord messages, twitch chat messages, etc, see for yourself there really aren't that many memes there lol. you know what it's like when you make 1 joke around somebody and then references to that joke become the only things they *ever* say to you, and then you don't know how to say "ok, that's getting kinda stale" without sounding like a jerk? this is how I feel when like I try to say something serious and am just met with a wall of emote spam or my sentence rephrased with a random word replaced with "dicks" for example. idk what I even do that encourages it, is it just the fact that I don't say anything when it happens? I really don't like to be the fun police and don't like to be a jerk about harmless jokes and just wanna be grateful that people enjoy saying anything to me at all, but man, being pigeonholed as something i'm very clearly not gets kinda tiring :( there's not really a good way to have everyone in the world understand the concept of moderation, is there? either way i don't really like when it gets outta control in my chat/discord, but that doesn't mean I want ppl to stop making those jokes *entirely*, you know? because I do the whole nonsense spam in chats too, but I also make it a point to know when it's too much and also have it not be the *only* thing I do -- it's harmless at the end of the day and people are just having fun, but still feels kinda invalidating when it's all the time lol

stream monster-y stuff also annoys me more than it should. ive thought several times about censoring "rip" and emotes like "NotLikeThis" from my chat lol. also not a big fan of ppl who go overboard with joking insults, theres maybe only 2 or 3 ppl who can do this with me and have me actually find it funny, and I doubt any of them are reading this. i just make a point of not responding to it because there's nothing to gain from openly getting mad about it

I have no illusions about obtaining partnership. it would be nice to have, but it's not something i'm actively pursuing or really care about. any changes I make to my stream/community are being considered for what would make it more fun for me and more accessible for anyone who likes me or the things/games I stream, and that's what makes it toughest

just some thoughts for now, i'm just gonna keep doing what I feel like doing going forward.

[wrong-shaped]

have had a weird encounter the last few days. i’ve been going into a bake shop a few times a week for the last month and a couple days ago the girl at the counter came over to my table and said something about her friend, the girl who normally works there, thinking i was cute or whatever. apparently she had mentioned that to her, and so the second girl recognized the sweater, glasses, and the order, and so i guess approached me on her friend’s behalf? and i mean i was mainly just bemused by this, honestly more uncomfortable than flattered. what i think really got to me was just the view into myself i got from that, like how she described me and what was apparently significant enough about me to make an impression, specifically on this girl. the thing that made me most uncomfortable was that she mentioned i was “quiet” as though it were an appealing character trait. and then today i went in and the girl was there and so since there was no one else in there she sat down for a while until someone came in to pick up a cake order. she said i was pretty much the only person who ever got a slice of ricotta tart and that it was her favorite, i said it was good bcause it wasn’t too sweet, she said she’d been drinking americanos with it since i’d started coming in and getting that order, i said it’s nice because there’s already enough fat in the dessert that there’s no point getting a latte or a cappuccino and that balance is what makes it such a treat, she said some kind of snide shit about most of the people who bought stuff only wanting the sugariest cakes... it was nice, even i guess kind of cute when that’s all we talked about, and honestly? she’s pretty, she has something like a nice aura. but once things got further than that and i started reading her intentions i got the same feeling as before, like i was seeing myself through the eyes of someone else and i didn’t like it. i didnt bother lying or anything and just said i’d been spending my time wandering around the city all month and that’s why i was coming in, i told her i dont really have any interests or whatever, and i sort of hoped that answering like that would send the signal that there just wasn’t much for us to talk about. didn’t really though. and like she talked about herself and nothing she said made me think she’d really understand what i meant when i said i don’t really really have much of an identity or place in life. which is what made it feel so disturbing, i think, that she still kept up an interest and reacted to me being so straightforward as though it were just having a quirky sense of humour. and it’s not like i was trying to get her not to like me or anything, but i certainly wasn’t trying to come across as the way i apparently was to her. like some fantasy of a quiet, melancholic waif for her to observe was just being fed into the more i tried to demystify it by being as objective as i could. i even said something like “god i feel like i’m being looked at in a zoo or something” and all it did was make her laugh. and i felt pretty aware of being in a certain gendered space in relation to a straight girl, and honestly i felt like a chill when i kind of realize that when her friend like, described me to myself the way she did, it was all pretty much obvious closeted trans woman (maybe trans lesbian?) shit, like the long messy hair, the thick sweaters, the sleepy eyes, the mumbling, these are all things that i think typify how i engage with the world as specifically a trans woman and i don’t think they’re too uncommon in that respect. and like i didn’t feel remotely like i was monopolizing the conversation or rambling the way i do when i really like someone, i felt inhibited and in my shell because i felt that this whole situation was pointless and absurd and i felt uncomfortable, and like again i think that’s a very gendered expression, and it was picked up on and handled in a way that i was very uneasy with. and i mean i realize im going out on a pretty massive limb here, but this felt like a pretty big display of how straight women relate to trans lesbians, like not necessarily in a sexually fetish-y way, but in an exoticizing way. like it’s not really socizlly feasible for straight women to relate to cis lesbians in a tht way, like their instinct is to be somehow grossed out and that’s how they exercise privilege or whatever, but picking up on those signals in someone who it’s socially appropriate to show that kind of interest in and it’s like they see this perfect emotional and aesthetic object to.. i dont want to say victimize, but relate to in a very awkward way. and why wouldnt they, the alternative is straight men, bona fide straight men, it must feel nice to talk to someone who doesnt have the confidence or sense of self to impose themself. and like i’ve been feeling really, idk, disposable, even taken advantage of in certain respects, and something about that interaction illuminated why i’m so predisposed to that, like as long as i dont feel able to coherently relate to anbd share things with other people, and as long as that awkwardness gets filtered into a certain formulaic social relation, and a certain “gaze” if you want to call it that, it is totally impossible for me to actually showanything like the full spectrum of emotion, subjectivity, vulnerability, affection, and so forth without it crossing the wrong wires with the formula for interaction and identity that has made me who i am for other people to begin with. like how do i enter into relationships without illusions, without the hurt and alienation and flat-out depression that make me who i am making things pointless and doomed from the off? how do i have straight up autonomy with other people? sorry for such a long diary post if you actually read all that lol. i do think i’ll still go there sometimes cause i like the food, but thankfully i start work again in a ffew days so it wont be that often.

[bodega-daydream]

August 10, 2018

I had a dream that I got a job at Buzzfeed working and sitting right next to all of the Try Guys. I sat next to Keith, my fave. I forget how I got the job or when I applied, but the other 3 try guys were there and Keith was on vacation. So he was like when did this even happen I don’t remember you applying (in a good ‘I can’t wait to work with my friend’ manner). I don’t remember what I told him but it’s fine. I was then showing the boss this BB-8 lego set that I had gotten to celebrate me getting this job. I was super excited about it. It had a bonus jack-o-lantern set with it. He was excited about it and showed the rest of the try guys, but none of them were impressed. Eugene reacted positively to the pumpkin, but then they all started discussing how BB-8 didn’t have great character development and that he was going to die in the 3rd movie anyway. I was surprised at how candidly open and honest they all were about even the smallest thing. I was a little taken aback as well.

Snipers saving children under highway bridge.

There was another part where I was walking around ‘London’. It was in black and white. I looked amazing in this beautiful peacoat and knee high boots. I was crossing the street and at one point it felt like a video game in that there were black and white vector graphics of winter gear that I was trying to line up with other pedestrians so that it looked like they were wearing them. Eventually I got to the opposite street corner where I was maybe looking for someone. Or wanted someone to notice me? I saw Dan F meet up with who must have been his girlfriend. I don’t know if I wanted him to see me, but I walked away and down a street. I think I saw this hot guy with this girl and I wanted him to take notice of me. Then I saw my mom approach from the other side of the street and I walked over to meet her while shouting ‘hiiii moooommmmm’. It felt like my American accent ruined the whole sexy British illusion.

Later I had a dream but I hope still worked at Bulletproof but we had a new office space that's put up design and accounts. I had just gotten back from vacation and was put on a phase 1 with you 4 some Smiley snacks, IDK. I thought pretty far away from you but next to Liam, naturally. My screen was a lot higher then my desk and chair and I couldn't focus because it was so far away and I felt like a child. It was between that desktop and a laptop that I also could not focus on because it was so small. I think I was just generally looking at the internet for a while before I got up and checked to see what you were doing. You had already set up templates and put sketches on and put them into a deck with Swype and everything and I was like s*** I didn't do anything yet. There were a lot of new people that work there and one of them started talking to me and asking me questions about video editing how many laptops he could get to work on. He was describing the peaks of these videos but they were all graphs called tabs and I was like dude I don't understand but I can ask for a more powerful computer for you. He was a freelancer to so. But Dave also work there, not as a new person I knew he worked there. I was very aware that he could see where I was and what I was doing and I saw him watching me talk to this new guy. I suddenly became very aware that I was wearing a nice black dress. Instead of going back to work I decided to go to the bathroom but I wasn't wearing any shoes. I walked to the shared kitchen area and bathroom space but did not recognize anybody who worked in accounts. Instead of going to the bathroom I got into a group of them and shouted I've literally never seen any of you before in my life. And I asked who I was new but I was like no I work here for 3 years. You didn't quit? And I was like no of course not. And I was talking to these two people for a bit. One had mentioned that she really looked up to Kristen and I invited her to come skate with us on Sunday. She was hesitant but then I also is very aware of my outfit as a white T-shirt and a black skirt, just a more General skater vibe. I think the other girl scuffed when I mention skating and she looked like she was a pro and I was like I'm just learning when's the last time you learned anything new and she didn't have an answer but she started singing like some famous auto-tuned person and I was kind of confused because she was also laying on the floor I don't know is weird. I went back over to the design side because I was like I got to work because I've got nothing and I've been on this project for 2 days already. I went back to my desk which apparently was now me sitting with a laptop on my moms bed. I was watching CSI and there were he's weird mummified bodies that were killed in the stadium Arena at like a monster truck rally. I still was not getting any work done but found my mom's laptop for typing which was just a keyboard and a screen. I mean it sounds like a regular laptop but it was very narrow, the same dimensions of a keyboard. I kept thinking that I'll just drag over Sam's files and work my sketches into her templates but I couldn't find them because I just couldn't find him pictures of me at baseball games with Simon. I decided that I would just sketch my ideas I had three and that was better than none. But then my mom came in and apparently it was my last week of work and I said that I had nothing but what are they going to do, fire me? But then I thought that maybe they could and then I wouldn't get my severance pay so oops. Then I fell asleep and woke up in my room and my apartment. I thought that I heard someone in the yard climb up and enter into the apartment through the window. I was freaking out and listening to see if anybody had come in. But then my door started to open and my roommates never just open my door without knocking so I thought this has got to be a burglar. And I sit up quickly and look at who it was and it was Elise but I couldn't see her face because I was used to the dark and into walked into the light and I was too bright for me to focus. But she also had this charcoal mask on her face and look terrifying and I kind of yelled at her not to come in. I think she was checking on me because she had the mask on and she said that they delivered the Christmas ham downstairs and she wanted me to go get it but because I freaked out she's like fine I'll go get it. But then I calmed down and told her that whole situation that I thought she was a burglar but Ellen brought over people so I close my door. Then I was looking out my window and maybe taking pictures or something but I was then outside in this Garden. It was an overcast day. But I was walking through this square of tiny trees and stepping through them and apparently that was the New Millennium Park. We had designed an early so that we could get a break. Maybe we were part god or something? But we were debating about the size of one of the trees being too big for regular people and we were just like LOL and we started to walk away down the street at night. I didn't have any shoes on but I had blisters on my feet from the boots I wore in London that were too small. But we were walking on tarmac and through the muddy puddles and on gravel on sidewalks and I was explaining how much my feet hurt and that this was actually better than wearing shoes. I was with three other people, James Corden, my brother, and someone else. The other two were far in the front ahead of us but I was explaining to James about my blisters from the shoes and he was like oh no that's too bad while he was riding one of those single wheel hoverboards. And I was thinking you should give that to me because my feet hurt to walk on the ground and you shoes but he would not let that thing go until it went out of control and he had to go chase it. while he was chasing it and we were catching up to the other two my brother had gone into a shop and rented two motorized scooters for me and him so that we could zoom off. I made a joke about how it would be funny if he had a motorized scooter in mine was a regular scooter. We where in this random I guess hotel room and Samara and this other woman were there. they must have been a couple because I thought at first she was just photographing her and this cool lighting that looked vintage Polaroid. But they are both wearing flowy jumpsuits and we're taking selfies of them being very close and suggestive of them being together. They said they were taking photos to send to the owner to assure him that they were leaving. but I took the camera from them which was just a small point and shoot camera and told the other girl to go stand in front of the blinds and the back of the room so that I could take a portrait photo. but as I was setting up the shot, Samara came over with a flash DSLR and kept ruining the shot by not letting me get my angle and by ruining the lighting. I never got the shot and I just yelled at her for always ruining stuff. Samara went to the other side of the room in a huff while I cleaned up my stuff and got ready to leave. the other girl and I seem to have a better connection than her and Samara did. I think she gave me something before I left that was relevant to work but I don't remember.

[pninaharchive]

Just one number? What if you answered them all? It will take a while, but time is just an illusion.

LMAO luv a challenge thank u 💐 read more bc it got long obviously

1: Let’s start with a tricky one; what is the real reason you are confused right now?

ahh okay well i think about who i am as a person and whether im good or bad and recently in my reflections i realized that i have control issues?? and how to work with that is confusing to me but

2: Do you ever get “good morning” texts from anyone?

no lol

3: If your significant other smoked pot, would you care?

no unless it was interfering with our relationship somehow?

4: Do you find it easy to trust others?

yes and no?? i dont really trust a lot of people but im very optimistic and idealistic and so i never assume the worst of people. like if someone lied to me i prob wouldnt assume so unless it was glaringly obvious

5: What were you doing at 11PM last night?

sleeping lmao

6: You’re drunk and lost walking down the road; who is with you?

this would never happen in my life oh my god i plan too much to not have a dd and a charged phone w access to a gps 

7: What would you do if you found out you had been cheated on?

break up w the person and prob not talk to them again

8: Are you close with your dad?

no i dont talk to him

9: I bet you kissed someone last night, right?

i havent kissed anyone since 8th grade 

10: What are you listening to?

currently im watching ink master in the background but in terms of music ive been playing big thief’s masterpiece and diiv’s is the is are

11: You can only drink ONE liquid for the rest of your life - what is it?

water lmao

12: Do you like hickeys?

ive never had one so idk for sure but the idea of it isnt super appealing to me

13: What time do you go to bed?

anywhere between like 11 pm to????? 3 am but usually closer to 11 bc i cant sleep in 

14: Is there someone who continuously lets you down?

every man in my life

15: Can you text as quickly with one hand as you do both?

no not at all im so bad at 1 handed texting

16: Do you always answer your texts?

no LMAO unless its my mom or abby

17: Do you hate the person you fell the hardest for?

i dont know that ive ever fallen before

18: When was the last time you talked to one of your best friends?

an hour ago

19: Is there someone that makes you happy every time you see them?

abby and angel and my bunny

20: What was your last thought before you went to bed last night?

i dont remember i think i was thinking about tattoos

21: Is anyone else in the room with you?

my brother

22: Do you believe what goes around comes around?

no there are plenty of shitty people who are doing just fine

23: Were you happier four months ago than you are now?

noooooo way 

24: Is there someone you wish you could fix things with?

no im kinda fine with the people i choose not to speak to 

25: In the past week, have you cried?

no

26: What colour is the shirt you are wearing?

black

27: Do people ever call you by your last name?

my last name is 9 letters long absolutely not

28: Is anyone ignoring you right now?

no

29: Do you have a best friend?

ya abby lmao love that bitch

30: Would it be hard seeing someone else kiss the last person you kissed?

no. see #9

31: Who was your last call/text message from?

angel

32: Are you mad at anyone?

always

33: Have you ever kissed someone older than you?

see #30

34: How old will the last person you kissed be on his/her next birthday?

see #33. probably 19 or 20 idk

35: How many more days until your birthday?

345

36: Do you have any summer plans yet?

yes!!! im going to maine with my mom and her gf and abby soon and me and abby are gonna tear it up the rest of the summer.

37: Do you have any good friends of the opposite sex?

i have no male friends currently

38: Are you keeping anything from your best friend(s) now?

never

39: Do you have a secret that you’ve never told anyone?

i dont think so

40: Have you ever regretted kissing someone?

yes lmao see #34

41: Do you think age matters in relationships?

absolutely especially when either of the people is below 20 or so

42: Are you available?

emotionally, romantically, and sexually yes

43: How many people have you had real, strong feelings for since high school ended?

i feel like i feel strongly for most people i meet im not really a casual person

44: If you had to get a piercing (not ears), what would you get?

i kind of want to get my other nostril pierced??? other than that i think medusa piercings are really pretty

45: Do you believe exes can be friends?

if both of the people are emotionally mature enough definitely

46: Do you regret anything?

most things

47: Honestly, what’s on your mind right now?

um ive been thinking abt my chronic illness lol bc i dont think im actively bleeding internally anymore but wondering how much blood ive lost bc ive been really exhausted and i think it might be anemia

48: Did you ever lose a best friend?

every one except the ones i currently have

49: Was your last kiss a mistake?

yes like see #40

50: Why aren’t you pursuing the person you like?

i dont like anyone currently i wish i did

51: Has the last person you kissed ever seen you cry?

no

52: Do you still talk with the person you LAST kissed?

no oh my god see #49

53: What was the last thing you ate?

i just had some pasta

54: Did you get any compliments today?

i think someone said they liked my shoes

55: Where are you going on your next vacation?

maine!!!

56: Do you own anything from other countries?

probably but i couldnt tell u for sure my dude

57: Are most of your friend guys or girls?

girls

58: Where have you lived most of your life?

rhode island

59: When was the last time you took a long drive?

sunday

60: Have you ever played Spin the Bottle?

no has anybody

61: Have you ever TPd someone’s house?

no has anybody

62: Who do you text the most?

abby i guess?? i dont really text that much

63: What was the last movie you saw?

i watched young frankenstein but ive seen that before

64: What’s preventing your current boyfriend/girlfriend from going back to their ex?

dont have a gf

65: How many boyfriends/girlfriends did you have in 2011?

none lmao i was in like 7th grade

66: Is the last person you kissed younger than you?

idfk see #52

67: Do you curse around your parents?

yeah

68: Are you happy with where you live?

not really i wish i was on my own in like europe or some shit

69: Picture of yourself?

check out my insta boiii

70: Are you a monogamous person or do you believe in open-ended relationships?

i think it depends on the other person?? i could be open to either i think

71: Have you ever been dumped?

no

72: What do you most like about making out?

passion

73: Have you ever casually made out with someone who you weren’t seriously involved with?

lets play a game called how many ways can i say im a virgin

74: When you kiss someone for the first time, is it usually you who initiates it or the other? 

i feel like this set of questions has something against me

75: What part of a person’s body do you find most attractive?

i like!! tummies and legs

76: Who was the last person you talked to last night before you went to bed?

my mom probably

77: Had sex with someone you knew less than an hour?

gOD

78: Had sex with someone you didn’t know their name?

aoidsfkfkl

79: What makes your heart flutter and brings a big cheesy smile to your face?

ummmmmmmm honest compliments and affection 

80: Would you get involved with someone if they had a child already?

probably not right now bc im not ready or interested in kids but maybe someday 

81: Has someone who had a crush on you ever confessed to you?

a couple people 

82: Do you tell a lot of people when you have a crush?

not usually but i havent had a crush in a long time

83: Do you miss your last sweetie?

what the fuck

84: Last time you slow danced with someone?

prom last year

85: Have you ever ‘dated’ someone you’ve never met?

olive is my boo

86: How can I win your heart?

ugghgh idk openness and honesty, passion, similar interests, buying me flowers

87: What is your astrological sign?

gemini!!

88: What were you doing last night at 12 AM?

sleeping

89: Do you cook?

yes i love cooking!!

90: Have you ever gotten back in touch with an old flame after a time of more than 3 months of no communication?

no 

91: If you’re single right now, do you wish you were in a relationship?

yes im such a fucking romantic

92: Do you prefer to date various people or do you pretty much fall into monogamous relationships quickly?

i think im a monogamous person but im?? also really flexible depending on the other person

93: What physical traits do you look for in a potential interest?

idk im not picky ugh just 

cute

94: Name four things that you wish you had!

a new laptop and purse, money, cute gf 

95: Are you a player?

no im a pussy and also i love women

96: Have you ever kissed 2 people in one day?

no god 

97: Are you a tease?

no

98: Ever meet anyone you met on Tumblr?

yes

99: Have you ever been deeply in love with someone?

no

100: Anybody on Tumblr that you’d go on a date with?

yes omg definitely

101: Hugs or Kisses?

kisses!!!!

102: Are you too shy to ask someone out?

absolutely

103: The first thing you notice about the opposite sex?

gross

104: Is it cute when a boy/girl calls you babe?

only if im interested in them tbh

105: If a sexy person was pursuing you, but you knew he/she was in relationship, would you go for it?

no this hypothetical person sounds like a dick

106: Do you flirt a lot?

no

107: Your last kiss?

see #66

108: Have you kissed more than 5 people since the start of 2012?

no its like every question is about kissing

109: Have you kissed anyone in the past month?

asdfghj

110: If you could kiss anyone who would it be?

barbie ferreira :(((((((((( 

111: Do you know who you’ll kiss next?

no that would be too convenient

112: Does someone like you currently?

not that i know of

113: Do you currently have feelings for anyone?

nope

114: Do you like to be in serious relationships or just flings?

serious relationships

115: Ever made out with just a friend?

no

116: Are you happier single or in a relationship?

who could say!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

#answered #this took so long im so sleepy #Anonymous

[axiomandidiom-blog]

This was made for kids in high school and I did it anyway

1:Is there a boy/girl in your life?

No

2:Think of the last person who hurt you; do you forgive them?

I don't know who that would be, but probably. I assume I've forgiven them if I can't remember. Unless we're counting me, in which case, no. I have not forgiven myself.

3:What do you think of when you hear the word “meow?”

Cats. But, like, TV cats. I don't think of real cats as making this noise.

4:What’s something you really want right now?

Money. Which is stupid. I have money, or enough. I guess actually I want money so I don't have to plan my spending, and I don't want to plan my spending because I'm scared of numbers and because I don't like cooking and because I can't keep anything in the fridge without it rotting, as food tends to do if you forget about it and leave it in there.

5:Are you afraid of falling in love?

No. I am afraid that I am unlovable. I don't think I'm a person most of the time. I can't do things people can do. I'm something less-than.

6:Do you like the beach?

I adore the beach. I should go.

7:Have you ever slept on a couch with someone else?

I think I've been asleep while some nephew was sitting on me. If that counts. Otherwise no. I haven't had an opportunity to in many years, and I don't like touching people mostly, and I can't really sit still without fidgeting and that makes me nervous when in situations where I have to sleep near someone. I almost can't believe I typed that. I'm the fucking worst.

8:What’s the background on your cell?

Default. D:. I've never thought of changing it. What's wrong with me? What would I even put there? People? Friends? I don't like any of my friends enough to do that. It would have to be a pretty hilarious picture.

9:Name the last four beds you were sat on?

Mine, my roommate's... some of the bonus ones at my parents' house I guess. I don't go in people's bedrooms.

10:Do you like your phone?

Kinda shit tbqh fam

11:Honestly, are things going the way you planned?

I've never been a planner. I kind of always assume I'm going to die imminently. I think that's called “generalized anxiety” but it's my experience of life. If this is a roundabout way of asking if I feel like I've accomplished anything, the answer is no.

12:Who was the last person whose phone number you added to your contacts?

Either my therapist :X or the phone at work, idk on the timing exactly they both happened kinda recently

13:Would you rather have a poodle or a Rottweiler?

I don't like dogs. But man do I hate poodles. Rottweiler might be okay if I could get it to be nice (I'm aware this is dependent mostly on me, and frankly I'm irresponsible af)

14:Which hurts the most, physical or emotional pain?

Does anyone say physical? I mean I get headaches sometimes and I can't really do anything but wallow when that happens, and I'm in fairly constant emotional turmoil and it doesn't stop me from going to work or doing my laundry or anything. So idk. But fuck emotional pain. At least I know the physical pain will go away. At least physical pain has causes I can identify, things I can do to prevent or mollify it. Emotional pain is just mind poison and you can't get it out and you can't stop it.

15:Would you rather visit a zoo or an art museum?

Art museum. I don't like animals really.

16:Are you tired?

Typically.

17:How long have you known your 1st phone contact?

Like 2 months. I assume this means first in alphabetical order, cause I got no way of determining any other order that I know of.

18:Are they a relative?

Nah. Friend of a friend who played DnD with me a couple of times. She's cool but I can tell from the way she talks to me that I don't make much sense to her.

19:Would you ever consider getting back together with any of your exes?

Just the one. And no. I think that would just make me hurt worse. I think I'm poison, and I think other people are poison too. And I'm still really mad at her for like no reason. And I'm still upset about the entire thing. Why did I do that? Why did I do anything?

20:When did you last talk to the last person you shared a kiss with?

2009. So like ~7 years. Same person as last answer. I don't want to talk to her. I see her around sometimes and all I feel is shame.

21:If you knew you had the right person, would you marry them today?

I don't believe in marriage, I don't believe in other people, and I don't believe in tomorrow.

22:Would you kiss the last person you kissed again?

I think I would just start crying instead.

23:How many bracelets do you have on your wrists right now?

0. I don't do adornments.

24:Is there a certain quote you live by?

Everybody else is just trying to get by, too. If you can do anything to make it easier for them, do it. Also, I don't like to be first and I don't like to be last. I don't think those are quotes but they inform my thinking a lot.

25:What’s on your mind?

I'm horrible. I wish I was a better person. I wish I was thin. I wish my skin was better. I wish I wasn't so abrasive or critical. I wish I didn't get tired of people. I wish I was better at talking and making people feel like I'm interested in them, I think people who can do that have a better time. I wish my brain worked right. I wish I could keep things together in my head and in my life.

26:Do you have any tattoos?

No. I don't like anything enough to tattoo it on me. I don't generally believe the events in my life have meaning, let alone have enough meaning to be converted to a symbol and affixed to my skin.

27:What is your favorite color?

Orange, followed closely by green.

28:Next time you will kiss someone on the lips?

Possibly never.

29:Who are you texting?

My friend group.

30:Think to the last person you kissed, have you ever kissed them on a couch?

Yeah. Was many years ago. But we did more than that on couches.

31:Have you ever had the feeling something bad was going to happen and you were right?

Yes but that doesn't mean anything. I feel like something bad is always about to happen and sometimes bad things happen. There's no causal relationship there, and not even a particularly strong correlational one.

32:Do you have a friend of the opposite sex you can talk to?

I like to talk to my friend J when she's around. I feel like she understands me and likes me. She's an old friend's sister, and the daughter of my mom's friend. I'm not really friends with her brother any more but I still like and talk to J. Just, not very often. I wish I was better friends with my friend E's fiance but I dunno how to make that happen.

33:Do you think anyone has feelings for you?

Good feelings? I dunno, I think some of my friends think I'm okay. Romantic feelings? Lol who would that even be. If there is, they should say something to me because I'm p oblivious. But no, I doubt it.

34:Has anyone ever told you you have pretty eyes?

Maybe? Not many people look into my eyes, and I don't like looking into the eyes of other people.

35:Say the last person you kissed was kissing someone right in front of you?

I'd probably leave. I assume (I hope, on some level) she is kissing someone, because that would mean she was with or pursuing someone, and I want that for her if that's what she wants. I also would feel really, really bad, and go outside and look at the sky and think about how shitty I am.

36:Were you single on Valentines Day?

For the last 7 years

37:Are you friends with the last person you kissed?

No. Don't want to be. I don't think I could do that. I think I used to want to, or think I could, and somehow that feeling has shriveled and all that's left are fear and anger and sadness.

38:What do your friends call you?

My name. :/

39:Has anyone upset you in the last week?

Yeah. Lots of. Not on purpose I don't think. I just tend to ruminate and let things accumulate until I'm just all sorts of a mess. And that's been like that for the last 28 years.

40:Have you ever cried over a text?

I don't remember. Don't think so.

41:Where’s your last bruise located?

Arms probably.

42:What is it from?

Dunno. I bruise super easily, and I bump into stuff a lot.

43:Last time you wanted to be away from somewhere really bad?

Couple months ago was the last time I thought about seriously leaving my situation. Before I got a job. I also have some persistent but passive suicidal ideation and if I'm being rational I can think “you don't want to die, you just want to not be doing what you're doing or going through what you're going through,” and that helps a little.

44:Who was the last person you were on the phone with?

Friend E. Just making plans I think.

45:Do you have a favourite pair of shoes?

No. I don't keep them long enough for that. I wear them until they fall off.

46:Do you wear hats if you're having a bad hair day?

What does this mean? I wear hats when I haven't washed my hair in a few days and I look shitty.

47:Would you ever go bald if it was the style?

I have been bald, not sure it was the style. I would do it again, it just isn't super socially acceptable.

48:Do you make supper for your family?

Lol what family. And I'm a garbage cook.

49:Does your bedroom have a door?

No I live in a cave and I drape a sheet over the entrance.

50:Top 3 web-pages?

Sfw, I like certain reddits, giant in the playground is cool too, love me some twitch.

51:Do you know anyone who hates shopping?

Me and everyone who has the attention problems I do.

52:Does anything on your body hurt?

Not at the moment.

53:Are goodbyes hard for you?

Depends on the permanence. The act itself isn't. I'm not so great at dealing with the aftermath.

54:What was the last beverage you spilled on yourself?

Who can say, I do this all the time, it's a miracle I keep myself clean at all ever.

55:How is your hair?

Short, and garbage.

56:What do you usually do first in the morning?

Look at my phone, try and get some music playing, helps me get up.

57:Do you think two people can last forever?

All permanence is an illusion.

58:Think back to January 2007, were you single?

Yeah.

59:Green or purple grapes?

Green.

60:When’s the next time you will give someone a BIG hug?

Next time I feel bad for them, or next time I see someone I haven't in a while and that I like (this is p rare), I don't like touching people.

61:Do you wish you were somewhere else right now?

Yes, and no. Yes because always I wish my life was not my life, no because I like my bed, it's a nice bed.

62:When will be the next time you text someone?

Tomorrow sometime probably.

63:Where will you be 5 hours from now?

Here, sleeping hopefully.

64:What were you doing at 8 this morning.

Think I was still asleep.

65:This time last year, can you remember who you liked?

I don't like people. I haven't felt attraction to anyone in a long time, until recently, when I stopped taking some of the drugs I take. I frankly don't know what to do with this feeling and it's upsetting to me and makes me feel alone and pointless and horrible. How come other people get to have this thing I can't have?

66:Is there one person in your life that can always make you smile?

No.

67:Did you kiss or hug anyone today?

Niece/Nephews, other misc family.

68:What was your last thought before you went to bed last night?

Anxiety about church today. It was bad but not as bad as I thought it would be.

69:Have you ever tried your hardest and then gotten disappointed in the end?

This is what life is. You have asked me if I have been alive, and by my count I've got 28+ years of living behind me.

70:How many windows are open on your computer?

4

71:How many fingers do you have?

Is this a trick question? I have 12 like everybody else.

72:What is your ringtone?

Keep it silent. Heartbeat buzz pattern.

73:How old will you be in 5 months?

Just turned 29. RIP

74:Where is your Mum right now?

At her house.

75:Why aren’t you with the person you were first in love with or almost in love?

What a dreadful question. Because she got tired of me? Because I don't know what love is or means? Because I'm garbage? Fuck you question 75 you made me sad.

76:Have you held hands with somebody in the past three days?

I. Don't. Like. Touching. People.

77:Are you friends with the people you were friends with two years ago?

Yes. Hopefully always. They are the only things in my life that make me feel good.

78:Do you remember who you had a crush on in year 7?

Like, 7th grade? Fuck me. Uh. Yes. Ansley. I dunno why. She was mean and sharp and sad. She dated a friend of mine and was awful to him. I'm a messed up person.

79:Is there anyone you know with the name Mike?

My brother.

80:Have you ever fallen asleep in someones arms?

Yes.

81:How many people have you liked in the past three months?

???

Zero mostly. Though as mentioned above I've been recovering my sense of attraction to people. But I don't interact with anyone consistently enough to, uh, 'like' them.

82:Has anyone seen you in your underwear in the last 3 days?

My roommate. It's hot in here and it's usually no pants o'clock. It's not weird, you're weird for thinking it's weird.

83:Will you talk to the person you like tonight?

No, because no and because there is no person.

84:You’re drunk and yelling at hot guys/girls out of your car window, you’re with?

I've never been drunk. I don't yell at people. I drive around with my roommate and other friends though.

85:If your BF/GF was into drugs would you care?

Is it disrupting their life? Is it a problem? Are they hurting themselves? If yes, then yes.

86:What was the most eventful thing that happened last time you went to see a movie?

Ate dinner with my family tonight, Uncle+Aunt (in law), both brothers, niece/nephews.

87:Who was your last received call from?

I think a debt collector, smdh.

88:If someone gave you $1,000 to burn a butterfly over a candle, would you?

Yeah. I'd be upset about it though. Look we all live with certain unpleasant realities, I don't have any control over that, I can't just not exist in this world where someone offered me $1000 to kill a living creature in a horrible manner just to see what kind of detrimental effect it would have on my psyche. Also, it's an insect. It's basically a really complicated robot. If it was a cat or something I'd say fuck no, probably to any amount of money.

89:What is something you wish you had more of?

Attention and Concentration.

90:Have you ever trusted someone too much?

Maybe? It's been a while since I've been taken abject advantage of.

91:Do you sleep with your window open?

When it's too damn hot, yeah.

92:Do you get along with girls?

About as well as I get along with other types of humans, which is to say, no. I'm agreeable and conflict averse but I'm not really engaging and I don't like to be engaged.

93:Are you keeping a secret from someone who needs to know the truth?

Does it qualify if there's an obvious truth and a path to change in my own life and I can't see it or refuse to acknowledge its existence? Because this might be the case.

94:Does sex mean love?

No? Does anyone think this? I think the problem here is one of equivocation. If you think sex means love you necessarily don't have the same definition of love that I do. It means your definition of love is sex. So what you're saying is do I think (word x) means sex, in which case, maybe it does, sometimes words have synonyms. But if you're asking me if I equate my idea of love with my idea of sex, then no, those are different things, specificity in definition is what leads to knowledge and understanding.

95:You’re locked in a room with the last person you kissed, is that a problem?

Maybe that would make us talk. I think I would have a panic attack, though. I think that would be a conversation I wouldn't want to have. I would want her to tell me there's nothing wrong with me and that we weren't right for each other, and that would would go a long way maybe.

96:Have you ever kissed anyone with a lip ring?

Nope.

97:Did you sleep alone this week?

For. 7. Years.

98:Everybody has somebody that makes them happy, do you?

I find fault with the premise; if everybody has somebody that makes them happy, and I don't have that, am I not everybody? I already know I'm not everybody. If we're starting from the assumption that the former is true, how could the latter be not true if we assume the former? If we can't assume the former, then the question should read, “Do you have somebody that makes you happy?” which was alluded to in an earlier question. And no, I don't. I'm aware that mostly I'm in control of my own emotions, or that I'm in control of my interpretation of information and evidence which has an effect on my emotional state.

99:Do you believe in love at first sight?

No, for the reasons put forward in question 94. To believe in the above I would need to equate attraction with love and I don't. I do believe in attraction, and that attraction is (initially) strongly dependent on sight for some people, and also that physical attraction is not an indicator of future relationship or of compatibility (though it might be a precursor to a sexual liaison, and there's nothing wrong with that. And yeah, I am speaking only about other people. I don't do that, don't think I would want to do that with a rando).

100:Who was the last person that you pinky promise?

I wrote a short script where two characters have a special promise called a “chigsy swear” where they both brush their chins with wiggling fingers and say “not by the hair on my chigsy chig chigs.” This is the closes approximation to the question I can recall.