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depressedraisin · 10 months

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ok ok quick summary of my thoughts and feelings so far:

it's 5:30 am and ive been up since 2:30 so probably gonna regret this but here we go

FIRSTLY, im incredibly INCREDIBLY proud of them for putting up the show. last week was tense and rather scary, we were all shitting ourselves with worry over alex's voice and health so i felt like i could cry in relief seeing look so much better and sound so much better and obviously being great at his job. the others, particularly nick on 4/5 and matt on body paint- fuck they were showstopping!!!!! overall very very enjoyable experience, im glad we have this.

YET.

yet. i AM disappointed and i got no qualms admitting it. the car is my favourite album, tbhc id die for, i literally spend so much time with their discography i probably AM a little too emotionally attached and not-objective about them. so yeah it's saddening. to not see the car and tbhc getting the limelight and the appreciation. i for one do believe there are songs in them which would work in a gigantic stadium or a festival, but we would never know if they do bcs they never gotta the chance to be taken out for a spin. also the rest of the albums- for a discography as diverse and as deep as the band's, so much of it sits in an attic catching dust. but yeah i get it i get it- logistics and commercial considerations and audience and all that. i get it....... sometimes. most times.

glasto did piss me off a tiny bit however. (just a little im sure it'll wear away soon). i was really fucking excited for it, jumped through so much to get access to the livestream and all, barely slept today just to watch it. i was holding out a lot of hope for this gig- ofc bcs it's glasto!!!!! it's such a consequential milestone in their career, it's been so long in the waiting. and being really fucking honest here- i took the "they'd surely do something different for glasto!!!" to heart. BUT I UNDERSTAND. i understand, why they might not have done anything, why things planned might not have worked out. I GET IT.

but also. there's a miniscule corner of my brain which is like. how different would a glastonbury show have been in an alternate timeline anyway? yeah they do surprise us, but signs haven't been pointing towards those directions at all in this tour. so all in all, yeah im disappointed. not so much for this one gig but the tour as a whole and the general attitude in this era. things alex has been talking about in the album.....at times their way of going about things seems so contrary to that. and yeah they're a band of 2 decades of experience and fucking professionals so no, i don't believe it's external uncontrollable reasons every time.

the monkeys are such an important band, yk? they might be the last of their kind- which other band will have their level of critical and cultural impact again. i hate LOATHE DESPISE to see all the potential getting wasted. they're saying such important things and not many are paying- but the band isn't trying particularly hard to get anyone to listen either. and yes, it's been the case long before alex got sick and long before they got up on the pyramid stage.

anyway enough whining and ranting for today.

i just love the car ok i'll defend it to my grave.

i just love the band so much i wanna give them a giant hug.

also yes i AM a lowly fangirl and miles kane not being there makes me sad.

#the car tour #arctic monkeys #glastonbury 2023 #my thoughts #don't @ me pls i do love them a lot

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neoraso · 4 years

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royal guard!minho

requested | some gender neutral hc for how he starts to wish he was maybe more than just a guard to you

to put things lightly, minho was the ace of your entire guard

like he was better than anyone …at everything

so originally he was on (your father) the king’s immediate guard

he was nothing but professional and saved the king too many times to count even from like stepping on rocks idk

when you turned like 17 and had to do more public appearances obv u were in a lot more danger so ur father jumped at having minho reassigned to u as the head of your personal guard “nothing but the best for his child”

the first time you met him… he only nodded or said yes or no to everything u asked him n ur jus like ok not much of a talker that’s not so bad ig haha ʕʘ‿ʘʔ

he was so quiet and “polite” for months despite you constantly trying to get something out of him

ur other guards always tried not to laugh bc if only u knew he had like two friends and was generally a pretty serious guy

but one day there was a festival in your kingdom’s central city so obv you had to make an appearance which u were very excited abt bc you only get to go into town like twice a year and THIS was one of those times

being “of age” and that much closer to taking the throne you might as well have painted a big red target on your head to signal people against the throne

everything was going fine, everyone was having fun and you decided to visit some of the booths and musicians around the square

minho was already suspicious of the situation and tightens the rest of your guard without u evenn rlly noticing but like

just as you turned to show these cute little candies to minho to maybe get a reaction for once -

the second he looks at you, someone moves to grab you but the flash of a knife in his other hand causes minho to jump immediately into action

honestly who knows what rlly happened minho moved so damn fast but the next thing you know, ur in the middle of your whole guard squad

looking through the gaps of their shoulders you see minho pinning down your assailant with a blade against his neck waiting for someone to arrest him even though he rlly wanted to just execute the guy right there

the festivities were kind of killed for u after that bc you and your family were rushed back home which u might’ve been more sad abt if u werent in so much shock :<

obv minho was the one to escort you back but like all he said was “you’re okay?” and after u dumbly nodded with wide eyes he walked with you but kept a hand around your shoulder

no one really talked after that which wasn’t unusual for him but in his mind he was rlly like

“?? ok i know its literally my job to protect this family but?? hm whyyyy do i seem to care sm more rnnn??//?” help him sdhskjd

u just looked so shaken up and disappointed and suddenly he was like damn </3 they rlly have no fun in their life and this one time they could was ruined :///

u had to stay inside for weeks after that bc it turns out there was a whole conspiracy to “eliminate” your family line so you waited in safety until the criminals were “taken care of”

minho had everything triple checked around the castle for your safety and secretly made sure you had extra treats and warm drinks sent to your room sometimes with little notes that he had the cook pretend to have sent because lately he’d heard you had trouble sleeping sometimes he’s shy boy aw

he started to realize how much he had gotten used to your smile and your little jokes and the way you sometimes tripped on the corners of rugs. and he thought maybe it was a good thing you guys didnt have many interactions lately because he was way too attached

you on the other hand, couldnt even rlly complain about having to stay inside so much bc you had everything you needed and- you knew it was for ur safety but- it wassss kind of suffocating at times

u tried sneaking out at first ((just to the garden!!)) which obviously was a bad idea bc it’s impossible to get past minhos fcking hawk eyes lmao

he STILL didnt say anything like he would just follow right behind you

n like u kinda huffed but whatever honestly at least it was just him and not 15 other guards like everyone acted like you needed

plus it was somewhat comforting to have someone so solid around even if he never talked smh

one night you sat near the little pond and tried to calm your mind by watching how the moonlight rippled in the water

you can feel him behind you so u just turn around and look at him ignoring how he was already looking at you

“would you at least sit with me?”

he kind of hesitates bc …what if someone tried to come up behind you? but with the sad look on your face he cant help but give in and sits on the stone bench at the opposite end of you

it becomes actually somewhat peaceful until you just decide to ask everything you’ve been wondering n u just blurt out-

“would it kill you to talk with me once in a while? i mean, talk like a normal person and not a machine? i dont bite i promise..”

he furrows his brow bc he’s shocked you cared at all and also he doesnt rlly know how to respond without being like “its not really in my job description to make conversation” but he honestly just thought you were being talkative out of niceties.

before he could even form a sentence you continued,

“i mean- i’m always trying to get your attention. i dont get to meet many people for obvious reasons but my guards are the closest people to me-literally, and i dont want there to be a big gap between us just because of my status..”

he cuts you off before you ramble yourself to death

“i didn’t know you were this troubled by it… i just take my job very seriously and i dont want to risk anyone’s safety for the sake of conversation”

u almost roll ur eyes but not wanting to be rude ur just like “even at home? i know you’re serious about your duties, believe me, i just… i get lonely.”

smthing inside him literally breakkkssss when you say that like u are such a pure and sweet person that deserves to have all the love and friends and fun in the world so he just gets quiet for a second and looks down

“im sorry.” he said it so softly you almost didnt hear him “i’ll be there for you more- if thats what you need. im essentially in charge of your safety and care and i’ll do anything to fulfill that responsibility.”

ok.

well this was good right? so why did you still feel unsatisfied?

“i dont want to just be a responsibility, cant we just be like friends? or…”

you cut yourself off before talking too much again

you had to admit to yourself you had developed a bit of a liking for minho, not just because he was probably the most handsome person in your kingdom, not even just because he saved your life, but he had really been a pillar of security in your life and you respected his loyalty and ambition.

he was more than admirable and everything you wanted as a standard for your kingdom

sometimes you let your mind wander to him getting on one knee and leading alongside you..

no, now youre getting sidetracked and delusional and he can practically hear the gears turning in your head so he stands up and reaches his hand out for you to grab

“of course you’re more than a responsibility to me, come on, lets go inside it’s getting cold.’

taking his hand and realizing the conversation was over, you moved to link arms instead as he walked you all the way to your bedroom door

u slept a lot better that night

from that point on you could not get rid of minho

like everyone was borderline uncomfortable with how jarring his change in attitude was

like he was constantly behind you looking right over your shoulder or grabbing your arm to stop you from bumping into things

even when he wasnt technically on duty he had taken it upon himself to give you little lessons in archery and even some defensive moves to help you protect yourself in case someone wasnt fast enough to help you

your tried not to get flustered every time he adjusted your form and the way you could feel his breath behind your ear

or the head pats when he walked you to your room at night

or his hand on your back when you guys would take walks in the garden

honestly it did not take long until one night you were sat next to your pond and after some comfortable small talk you noticed how close his face was to yours

but he noticed you didn’t pull away even as he leaned in closer and finally just kissed you

when he pulled away and saw your eyes still closed and how soft you looked his heart almost exploded

“i didnt mean to make things weird i just,, couldnt help myself, sorry”

his rushed confession pulls you out of your daze and you’re so happy (a little shocked) but you’re quick to reassure him

“it’s ok, i’ve been wanting you to do that for a while …”

he’s jus like “rlly?😳”

obviously this complicates things a lot and you aren’t really sure if you would even be allowed to have a relationship with minho bc of ur position

or if he would get in trouble for breaking the rules of attachment to u

all of this is kind of racing thru both of ur minds as you look at each other but you laugh after u both start talking at the same time

you prod him to go first so he grabs your hands and says like

“look i care about you a lot, and i know we’re not really supposed to be doing this but if i can be by your side … beyond my duties…i would really love to. but if we can’t, i can survive with just being here to protect and serve you in anyway i can”

he’s so honest and genuine and earnest it shocked u a little

even tho you were uncertain abt the situation as well you knew you had grown a little too fond and dependent on minho that you would do anything to make it work

luckily an arranged marriage was not required for you so that wasnt really the issue, but falling in love with someone not at all royal..? it was a daunting thought how the idea would be perceived

you wouldnt have said anything if you both weren’t completely sure of your feelings; but you really could not imagine being content or safe spending your life with anyone else so you mustered up the courage to ask the king and queen…

when you brought it up to your parents they looked pretty concerned

minho went on the whole “i’ll do anything to protect them and this kingdom” speech and your father just waved him off and was like

“i know u would …. i’ll allow it because there’s really no one better to represent the kingdom and because i want only the best for my child ;)”

u and minho were literally in shock but just quietly said thank u and left the room

when you had privacy he immediately pulled you in for a kiss (maybe several all over ur face)

you had a lot to figure out and many responsibilities but now you had an amazing person by your side to help you through it :.) <3

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dear-systems · 3 years

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TW/ CSA, COCSA, SA, abuse, possible internalized Something Bad But I Dont Know What, general panic, idiocy, and self doubt akdj

Hiiiii,,, can I ask some for advice/opinions/guidance for me possibly being a system? It’s a very scary thought, I don’t think I wanna be a system, not really. It’s all confusing, it’s all a lot, and idk what to do. I don’t remember a lot of my childhood, sure, but like, I remember some things! I remember enough! What could’ve happened to me? I lived close to a predator that’s true, but I never slept over more than a couple nights, and I can’t remember anything they could’ve done to me, they never showed any signs. I grew up in a home, though, with a sibling of mine, and theyre… a complicated at best story. They were def preyed upon, and they also sexually assaulted me. I have blurry memories from when I was little of them playing “”games”” with me that make me wanna throw up, but they never really crossed the line into the assault like that one time. I repressed that one time soo much anyway, because I was so ashamed and horrified. It happened when I was 11. Could you even develop a dissociative disorder at age 11? And how would I remember ish and acknowledge that trauma without even KNOWING about others??? And that’s not considering the idea that I might not be traumagenic, which somehow is scarier?? It makes me mad at the world, cause I feel like I’d be even MORE hated and called fake and believe it myself. And also, that there wasn’t a reason. That I’d be going through this pain for no reason other than brain go brr, not brain go cope. Am I making sense?? I’m sorry if not, and I’m sorry if I have said/will say something offensive. I don’t wanna downplay their experiences, but also I don’t know a lot and I just. Aghh, yknow? I haven’t done too much research, cause I’m lazy and I’m scared akdhsjhfj, and most of the time I just ignore this. Until it just hits me for a couple weeks or days that this isnt normal, is it? I don’t think I really hear voices, my body is never out of my control. I always want whatever it’s doing. If I hear anything, its just in my head, and in MY voice, and it could be just like,,,, not alters yknow? Just me thoughts. I’m genderfluid, of that I am certain, I was only ever a solid gender when I didn’t feel like me. Even if there’s other people in here with me, I’m genderfluid, and none of them have ever shown interest in anyone in a romo/smexy way, just as I have. So idk what’s that about??? Different genders but same orientation? Idk. Phibi isn’t a human, and it doesn’t like calling itself by human terms, so though it too doesn’t feel attraction, technically it isn’t aroace like the rest of us. Or me. Idk man I’m confused. I have such terrible memory. That’s the worst part. One time I forgot how old I was lmao. Everything is a blur, but none of it is completely a blackout. If it ever feels empty, all I have to do is try real hard to get SOMETHING, and eventually I will, so. Eh. But it’s all so, so blurry. I can recall things I did, but it isn’t like… attached? It’s strange. It takes me a moment, like getting a file in a computer and it lagging, and it just seems so distant. Sometimes tho, it isn’t, and sometimes it is. It’s all inconsistent. That’s what really gets to me, I think. It’s hard to make out, and I suck at handling things that are hard to make out. Usually I thought I either repressed things or got over them quickly or something when I get triggered (I have PTSD oof) but today with the whole who-are-i thing when I got triggered, I was very panicky at first as usual. I was not having a good time akdjdjj, as per usual. Then I kinda became numb, dissociated, and then came to… feeling surprisingly ok? I didn’t feel like Me, of course. This is confusing. I felt like someone else. I STILL do! I feel like that person! I feel like the one that panicked is another, it’s weird to refer to us like this, I’m sorry. It’s so confusing. So that doesn’t bode well for my “oh I’m perfectly fine and a singlet” case. I still feel the closest to them, though. Everyone else is more separate. This doesn’t make sense ahdhskfj. I feel like I’m faking it. I feel like I can’t possibly be plural. (1/2)

I remember as a child feeling so sad and helpless, that I would relish in my own mind, if that makes sense. I liked the fact it was Mine, and no one could take that from me. No one could know what was inside it, not really, not unless they were a mind reader, which I chose to believe for my sanity didn’t exist akdjsj. I had full control over it. If I wanted there to be a palace with me as the sole ruling prince with a pink gown and infinite cake and toys in there, I could. If I wanted to go “home”, even when physically and logically I was there, I could. Im scared that being plural will take that from me. On one hand, it’s kinda nice. I remember Phibi once took themselves to school for me, planned to go through the whole day if a switch hadn’t happened, if I’m allowed to even use those words akfjakd. I was relieved at not having to go to school. But also. This is scary, this is strange, this is invasive, and it’s giving me far too much of an identity crisis. I just. Uh help?? Somehow?? In any way?? That would be nice tho obvs you don’t haVe to akdjskjd (2/2)

You're definitely not alone, anon, and it certainly sounds like you're a system. It is hard, to adjust, but you'll get there in time.

May I recommend having things that are exclusively yours? A blog, a spot in your innerworld if you have one, a playlist, etc. Something that is just yours.

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suqarshaxx · 4 years

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a shaxx mini story cause i’m love h*rny

red text = shaxx talking :>

— exhaustion

“i understand zavala, and i’ll follow your orders but i seriously think we need to think of taking a stealthier approach. send me and two other highly skilled stealth guardians and we’ll get it done.” zavala looked at you like you were stupid. “i’m not sending only three guardians in with no true insight of the ship layout. i’ll bring up your idea with the vanguard but that could take more weeks. we have no idea what we’re up against and i want to know before i go sending three of my most skilled guardians into a blind zone.” *sigh* you’re too tired for this. “you have a point sir. i’ll let you get back to your work.” you left zavala’s office with your head up...until you heard the office doors close. “finally” you sigh, letting your head fall. see, life has gotten a lot more frustrating and exhausting. since cayde died you’ve been incredibly lonely. it was hard accepting he was really gone.

you picked up other activities to get away from it. crucible was the one to take up most of your time, and, it was a positive. you were becoming closer to shaxx and it had probably been the first week in awhile you hadn’t felt completely lonely. he was great at distracting you from what happened. as you were making your way up the stairs you stopped by banshee’s setup to talk for a bit. unluckily, a lot of guardians were also there so that meant no banshee time. but, its not the end of the world. you kept walking and gave master rahool a polite greeting as you past by. you start making your way towards shaxx when you see he was talking to another guardian. by the looks of shaxx’s body language, he seemed to be trying to explain something to the young one. you respect shaxx and his students so you just stood off to the side waiting.

he notices you and quickly dismisses the other guardian. you start walking over towards him while shaking your head and smiling. “shaxx you didn’t have to send that guardian off i was fine wai-“ shaxx cut you off swiftly. “guardian? what are you doing here?” his voice sounding concerned. “what are you talking about?” i wanted to see you, and what bounties you’re offering.” your look went from happy to puzzled very quickly. “y/n...” shaxx lightly grabs your arm to pull you off to the side. “how long has it been?” this is starting to get odd. “shaxx what are you talking about?” what’s his deal? “have you seen your eyes y/n? they’re hollow black. you can tell you haven’t been sleeping. so, how long has it been since you actually slept?” you sigh. someone had to say something. someone always, has to say something. “shaxx, im alright. ikora asked me to help out with some extra paperwork a few days ago and it was a lot so i just stayed up for a couple of days and haven’t had the option to rest yet. it’s only my third day and trust me i plan on sleeping tonight.” you said with a faint smile. “you haven’t spoken to her in weeks. you even told me that.” now it’s awkward. shaxx crossed his arms, “you can’t lie to me about this. now please, let me take you home so you can rest.” his voice was so sad and soft. “the last thing i’d need is for you to get hurt in crucible fights because you cant stand up right.” he lightly said under his breath. as much as you hated it, he was right. what good are you to anyone if you can barely function? “okay, i promise i’ll rest but don’t feel the need to walk me home. i know i’m a bit wobbly but if you have work to do, i’m not gonna keep you from it. i can still walk myself home.” “not a chance, i wanna make sure you actually fall asleep.” you could tell he really cared about you. “just give me a few moments to gather my things.”

the walk was very silent but wasn’t ever awkward. the exhaustion was always with you but knowing you grew closer and closer to a bed made that tired feeling way worse. as you and shaxx were walking you held hands. sorta-ish? you held onto two of his fingers. the index and middle one. shaxx didn’t seem to mind it and neither did you so no one said anything about it.

as the two of you approached your home you started getting tense. sure everyone could tell you weren’t sleeping but no one knew you weren’t even staying in your own home. those damn memories of cayde flood your head every time you’re inside. truthfully, it was scary. never knowing if it’s going to be a happy memory or him taking his final breaths terrifies you. obviously to the point where you can’t even sleep in your own home. shaxx could tell you were tense considering once you got closer and closer, you didn’t realize but you were tightly gripping his fingers now. “guardian? are you alright?” you couldn’t shift your gaze from the home but still replied. “yes i’m alright, thank you for bringing me home.” a minute of silence passed before you broke it and looked over at shaxx. “if you’d like you can come in, grab a drink rest for a few minutes and then get back to the crucible.” “ah i finally get to see how one of my best players lives?” you know he said that with a smirk across his face. you couldn’t help but chuckle a bit.

you two entered your house and you offered to make some tea, which shaxx politely declined. he wanted the tea but you could tell he wanted you to rest more. “is there anything i can do to make you more comfortable? you’ve seemed very tense since we’ve got here.” should you tell him? should you not tell him? you’ve always kept to yourself but it’s like be makes it impossible for you not to share. he feels like the only one you don’t have to lie to. “shaxx, i have to be honest. the last time i slept was here, and the last time i’ve been here was almost a month ago.” you couldn’t directly look him in the eyes but could feel him looking down at you. “why didn’t you say anything sooner?” pride i guess... “i’m not sure, i thought maybe i could handle myself but i just ended up running away from it.” a singular sigh left shaxx’s mouth. “alright then, come on.” you were confused. “what do you mean? come where?” “your mattress y/n. you obviously are having trouble sleeping because of your nightmares, and i’m sure not having someone here either to comfort you isn’t helpful. so i’ll stay with you for the rest of the day that way if you do have a nightmare, you have someone to help you.” wow.. “shaxx, that’s incredibly nice and i truly appreciate it but i couldn’t ask you to do that. you still have the crucible to run and bounties to sell and guardians to teach and-“ shaxx cut you off before you continued to ramble on. “it’s alright, ive already worked things out to take the rest of the day off. the crucible can wait guardian, you can’t.” “are you sure?” “i’m positive, now! you must go rest!” he said in his “crucible” voice. you couldn’t help but giggle. as different as it was, shaxx did make you feel less lonely. maybe it’s time to accept that while cayde might be gone physically, it doesn’t mean you have to stop cherishing him through memories. maybe it’s a new path forward. “thank you shaxx, i greatly appreciate it.” you gave him a hug and asked if he needed anything else before going to bed. he simply shook his head and made a resting gesture. you smiled and went to your bedroom. you couldn’t deny that you felt very nervous but you just trusted your gut that if anything happened shaxx would be there, and hopefully, he’d still be there when you awoke.

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ok hi so uhh a/n i did NOT expect to write this long and much so yeah! i hope you enjoy and this is my first time *publicly* writing and posting a fic so i hope you enjoy :>

#destiny #destiny 2 #lord shaxx #shaxx x reader #destiny shaxx #lord shaxx x reader #im a babey to writing pls dont judge :(

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urlocalbunny · 3 years

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Ok angst time... Headcanons for if the baby was lost half way thou... ( im SO sorry )

Aaron:

the way of guessing your feelings through his nose was just terrible right now. He could see you were disraught. broken. in pain. when your hands, weak, reached out for him for a hug sometimes, it felt like you’d break and drift away if he didn’t hold you together. His eyes were almost always watery for a few weeks.

he’d be silent. distant from the other things he loved for a while. if he ever talked, was to reassure you you’d work this out. He’d cry very often when you slept. Your face was sad even when you were many hours in.

He’d have taken down the room carefully after a while, but when he opened the door, he saw you holding the little deer plushie you put in the bed. you held your now back to normal belly, and you’d apologize to your baby and to him many times. He was shocked to know you thougth that was your fault to begin with.

he was absolutely heartbroken to the point where Beliath would always wear a sad frown every time they were in the same room. The vampires would comfort him, but nothing seemed to move when you were so sad. Your kid was going to be the bravest person he ever met. he was sure. They must have had a big fight before the end.

Seeing him not leaving through night and day made you wonder how it was possible when you failed. one day, however, you heard a howl on your window. it was a full moon, so whatever you thought you were doing, Aaron would not approve. But you opened the window. He was there, but there was nothing but disconnected toughts. That was the wolf.

He was standing in an elegant stance. He was quietly looking at her in the eyes. “How did you get in here? This is really high!” You asked, still wary until you felt soft fur on your belly. He had his eyes closed, you could feel when your hands held his head on instinct. He still thought of nothing. Your arms circled his head. instead of feeling sad, a spark of joy bloomed in you. There were no parts in your beloved that hated you, even the ones he didn’t control. He jumped up and down, shaking his head and jumping on the floor, calling you to run with him. You ran out of the manor under the boys’ curious gazes and you ran. He circled around you, slowing down to match your pace. Your joyful laugh reached every pair of ears in the manor.

Raphael:

In times like these, he wished he could draw. But he also felt completely good being blind for the first time in his life. ,

Your screams full of horror, Ethan’s despair in the air and the smell of blood stained his mind. He closed his eyes in a silent plead. “If something miraculous happens and I recover, do not let me see.”

You were quiet in the next few days. He waited for you to talk, but you’d open your mouth and try to say something, but your breath was ragged, as if you were suffocating. He felt your gaze on him the whole time.

one day, even if it took all of his strength, he sat on your side and tought of words. But they also wouldn’t do. The best, most beautiful thing he could ever say was something his friend Aaron would. With no shortcuts, but with no curves either.

“Do you, perhaps, think this is your fault?” his tone was stern, but you had to get a earful. “The way you don’t answer me is honestly worrisome. You have to stop thinking about me right now if you ever want to make amends with yourself. The reason why i was so happy was because i love you with all my might. I woudl not have it like this with anybody else.” your arms circled his waist. This time, he caught you.

Your cries were, this time, full of relief. He hummed a song to you. It was a happy lullaby. his lips were faintly on your temple. You would get through this.

Beliath:

Your baby’s presence was the first thing he missed this morning. you were crying in disbelief.

He didn’t even remember shoving Ethan into the room, but he did. His hand went to his head and he breathed in and out. He has never grieved before. Never.

When Ethan left, he held your hand and face. “Don’t you think about saying you’re sorry.” your eyes widened. “I’m not leaving your side.”

He did what he said. He was heartbroken in ways he’s never experienced before without you, but he would manage for you. For the both of you.

The months run cold and slow without your heart-warming shrieks when you saw tiny gloves and hats or when you finished putting up the crib, but your face looks a little more colorful again.

He haven’t partied in months and he doesn’t want to, but he comes up with a small and calm gathering of people you both know and cherish. You smile when you see how different it is from the usual. When you accept his hand and swing slowly into the song he let Vladimir of all people choose, he lets out a sigh he didn’t know he was holding.

He could finally see your face without the fog again. You didn’t stop smiling. He shed a tear that you caught in your hands.

Vladimir.

It was his fault. He was sure for months. Maybe because he wasn’t good to you? Loving enough? Supportive enough? He was devastated. But the feeling that lingered was because he was ill. He was weak and he passed this to your baby. Your precious baby was dead, and it was him.

When he shared this with you, he expected everything but you raising your hand to slap him and then turning around to stop yourself. He put a hand on his face in shock even if you didn’t hit him. Was he that repulsive to you?

You grabbed his hands like he was a tiny kid, and proceeded to scold him for thinking it was his fault. You said you’ve never seen somebody talk such bullshit and he had to keep himself in check. That was harsh, but he realized you were telling the truth and that’s what hurt the most.

He had to man up and help you overcome this. No more temper trantrums, no more talking ill of himself when it came to the baby. That was disrespectful. How to cheer you up? How to make you realize you’re more than this situation?

He took you to the garden one day. You didn’t understand at first, but he put a seed on your hand. a cyclamen. Your eyes looked for his, but he was hiding his blush.

“My mother taught me how to do this. I think we should do it together from now on, since she can not teach you mother to mother...”

Your sudden hug was strong. Your tears were warm on the crook of his neck. But your smile was what made him tear up too. Finally. Finally, you were coming back home.

Ethan:

Your wet hand full of blood woke him up. He was in shock when he realized you baby was gone. Just when he started to lose the fear. Just when he started to have wishful thinking every single hour of the day. It was just his luck, to see your horrified face, to see you asking if your baby wouldn’t open their eyes.

He did everything in his power to make your body recover, but the thing he worried the most about was your heart. His hugs lingered, his face scrunched up but he didn’t cry. There was no way he could ever make you overcome this. He was useless.

Beliath knocked some sense in his head after he tried to give you some space one day. He was drinking like crazy and Beliath knocked his cup off. He said he had to be by your side. To stop worrying about himself because it didn’t matter how useless he tough he was, you loved him and he was the only one you had right now.

The other night, he opened the door to his room with you, hand-in-hand. You both sat down and he looked into your eyes after a long time. “I felt guilty and ashamed of me. I’m sorry for not being able to help you as much as I could but I promise I’m never leaving you alone to bear with it again. This is our baby. We will get through this together or we won’t overcome this at all.”

The kiss you shared was salty and soft. He realized you didn’t kiss in a long time. But he was about to change that. He was going to cherish you, and live. Live to show you how much he loved you and your baby, no matter what happened in his past.

Ivan:

Surprisingly, one of the most serious on how he’d deal with it. He’d lost everything once and he was not surprised. He cared about you.

He would get whatever you needed. You’d be able to vent to him and he wouldn’t show how heartbroken he was, but you knew he’d cry at night.

The both of you would be steady on helping each other out and supporting yourselves. You’re both young and this is taking a toll on you.

The vampires wouold help you out and take you guys places, undo the room for you when you’re ready.

Aaron is also in need of care. He was going to be the godfather... He’s going to be your biggest supporter.

Ivan would actually encourage you to go see the doctors. Even if it was dangerous, you’d find out what was the problem and you could always pretend. You’ feel reassured, and squeeze his hand. Your sweet I love you was all he needed to be sure of your recovery. You’d be fine as long as you were together.

#moonlight lovers headcanons #moonlight lovers #moonlight lovers fanfiction #ml aaron #ml vladimir #ml beliath #ml raphael #ml ethan #ml ivan #swfbunny

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croissans · 4 years

Note

Idk if you were reading 3rd book of CAOS but there is a hint that Theo’s dad has crush on Zelda. Can you write a ff where Faustus is jealous of him? :D Love your writing btw!! Ps. Sorry, English is not my first language.

Omg HAHAHAHHA thats a great prompt!!! I didnt read the book but i heard some people i follow talk about it and its so cute how mr. putnam has a crush on zelda but like half of greendale does so its not a surprise LMAO

The whole Spellman ancestral home was filled with the sound of Unchained Melody by The Righteous Brothers playing on a vinyl record player and Ambrose was lounging around the house in his silk robe having the time of his life, eating peanut butter out of the jar.

He was absolutely clueless about the pure shitstorm coming his way. Luckily, the sound of knocking was heard through his loud ruckus and the first wave has entered the grid.

Ambrose turned off the vinyl playing in the parlor and made his way to the front door. He knows it couldn't be Aunt Hilda for she is working in the mortal bookshop downtown, it also can't be Sabrina since she's at the Academy and it most certainly isn't Aunt Zelda since she's all the way in Moon Valley, picking up some trinkets for the mortuary.

Opening the door, he was surprised to find Mr. Putnam, Theo, one of Sabrina's mortal friend's, father. He was holding a bouquet of roses, but Ambrose didn’t ask.

"Mr. Putnam." Ambrose greeted. "Are you here for the mortuary? If you are, I am terribly sorry for your loss." He said in professional fashion.

"Oh, no. No." He declined, giving Ambrose a polite smile. "I'm uh- Here to see Miss Spellman."

Ambrose's brows furrowed. "I believe you have to be more specific than that, sir. I am living with three Miss Spellmans."

"Oh!" He gave a nervous chuckle. "I- uh- Miss Spellman- I mean, Zelda." As if a lightbulb has gone off over Ambrose's head. The nervous wreck, wrong type of flowers, dressed in nice clothes, asking for his Aunt Zelda. Ambrose practically wrote a manual for what he's supposed to do in this type of situation.

"Unfortunately, she’s in Moon Valley at the moment but she will be coming home soon,” he glanced at the clock on the wall. “But you could wait in the parlor or I would gladly deliver her your handwritten love letter.” Ambrose joked.

Mr. Putnam let out a small polite laugh. “I think I’ll just wait in the parlor then.” “This way.” Ambrose directed to the parlor, opening the door wider. Mr. Putnam muttered a small ‘thanks’.

“So, how many…?” The older man trailed off, and Ambrose immediately understood what he was trying to ask.

“This week, nine.” He paused, trying to recall. “The whole month, at least twenty.”

“Oh.” That was all the man could say.

“Sit.” Ambrose gestured to the armchair in the parlor. “Don’t worry,” He smiled in reassurance. “She turned down all of them.“

“Oh.” He leaved the parlor to get the visitor a tray of tea in the kitchen, when the doorbell rang. And the second shitstorm has entered the server.

He gave Mr. Putnam a polite look and made his way towards the front door. He opened the door and found the High Priest standing there and a lot of things went through his mind. • There’s a mortal in the living room • This is the reason Aunt Zelda has been declining her suitors • Holy shit • The High Priest of the Church of Night and a mortal in the same room • Aunt Zelda’s lover and her suitor in the same room • His Excellency is holding the correct type of flowers; blue forget-me-nots

“Your Excellency,” he greeted. “This way to the parlor, please.” He didn’t even mind asking the man on what he wants. He already knows.

“Oh, no.” Faustus said. “I’m here for Zelda.”

“She is in Moon Valley, please wait in the parlor, Your Excellency.” He said for the second time this day. The man gave a curt nod and followed Ambrose into the parlor. He was absolutely confused as to why a mortal is sitting there, flowers in hand.

“Brother Ambrose, why is-” He starts to ask but Ambrose beat him to it.

“He is the suitor of the day.” He said, clasping his hands together.

Oh. Ohhhhh. “Do not worry, Your Excellency, she turned down all of them this month.”

Faustus’ eyes widened. “This month?”

“Twenty? Twenty-one?” He said, his hands shaking in a gesture of estimating. All Faustus could do was nod, although he and Zelda were an item, they didn’t exactly have a label. And truth be told, since they started their little liaison, she was the only witch that he went home with every night.

He made his way towards the parlor and Ambrose went to get the tray of tea on the kitchen island. He sat on one of the armchairs, opposing the mortal man, not bothering to look at him. Although Mr. Putnam felt like he wanted to retreat, he stood his ground. Although the man wore fancy clothes, he held forget-me-nots. He guessed that’s a point for him, then. He noticed the man had looks but had a dark aura and devil-like nails.

Faustus tried not to interact with the man although the tension could be felt throughout the room. Not only was he mortal but he was holding roses for Satan’s sake. His disdain for the man was simply because he was mortal not because he was wooing Zelda. Nothing more.

Ambrose entered the room holding a tray with a pot of tea with two cups on saucers. You could see the young man’s momentarily horrified expression when there came a knock on the door. He gave the guests a polite smile and made his way towards the front door, chanting ‘please be Aunt Hilda’ under his breath, in a tune.

Instead, he was met with Aunt Zelda and he found himself thinking that this was much better. Zelda frowned at Ambrose’s giddy expression. "Why do you have that smile on? What did you do?"

"Nothing, Aunt Z." Ambrose said, smiling. "But I have to warn you, the suitor of the day came in with your prince charming."

"What?" Zelda asked, handing Ambrose the bag of supplies for the mortuary.

"Let's just say that the High Priest of the Church of Night is having tea with a certain mortal in the living room." Her eyes widened. "What?"

"Yes." Ambrose teased, already heading down the mortuary.

Zelda peeked in the parlor and saw what Ambrose meant. Satan, she felt like she was sixteen again.

Sighing, she walked into the parlor and the two men stood up immediately. She had been in this situation once and vaguely remembers a duel between the two warlocks.

"Gentlemen," she greeted. "I am terribly sorry but I am afraid I'm taken at the moment." The two men was shocked, especially Faustus. Since Zelda seemed like she just made their relationship official. "And I don't really think Sabrina would like me dating one of her father's friends."

In the kitchen, you could hear Ambrose snickering and Zelda rolled her eyes.

"Please see yourself out." She said with a small smile. Mr. Putnam gave an understanding yet sad smile while Faustus stayed behind.

"You're taken, huh?"

"Not really." She retorted.

"Really? I wouldn't be surprised since you had twenty suitors asking for your hand this month."

"Oh, don't be such a baby, Faustus." She said, pouring herself a glass of scotch on the nearby table. "I'd say you're just jealous." Now that was a slap on the face because it was true, he just had too much pride to admit it.

"No, I'm not." He said, with much scorn.

"What's with the flowers?" She asked, handing him a glass of brandy.

"It was supposed to be yours but then it seems half of Greendale probably gave you flowers this month."

She gave him a look. "Stop whining, it's not like I slept with any of them."

He opened his mouth to speak but Zelda beat him to it. "And don't mind Mr. Putnam, he's been like that since last year. It's not a surprise anymore."

"The men of Greendale has been like that towards you since you turned sixteen."

"Satan, Faustus, what do you want me to do?" She asked, now annoyed.

"I just," he stood up walking towards her, searching for the right words. "A warlock or even a mortal could walk in your parlor and just ask for you and you could say yes and-"

"So, you're jealous?" She asked once again.

He sighed. "Fine. I'm jealous." He said the word like it was poison.

She laughed, wrapping her arms around his neck, taking him by surprise. "Don't be." Her voice was muffled on his shoulder. This was unlike Zelda but he made no move to disentangle himself from her. He wonders if it was the scotch but she only had one glass. He rested his arms on her waist, his chin atop her head.

He had never done this with anyone before, not even with her in their Academy days. He found it quite pleasant. "Would you mind being my top lady, then?"

Before she could answer or even register the sound of someone snapping their fingers in the other room, Unchained Melody started to play from the vinyl in the corner.

Ambrose has never been so proud of himself before.

● ■ ● ■ ●

author: ok im so so so so sorry this sucks i had a hard time writing the ending but i just ughghg MY HAND SLIPPED WITH THE UNCHAINED MELODY THING AHHAHAAHAHAHAHAH rip mr putnam thoLMAO also, im so confused if i should call susie susie or theo?????? But i jist settled with theo for respect

Im an old soul thats why i love unchained melody so much atm and also i accidentally posted this here instead of my otha account, my apologies lmao but its still tagged spellwood ;))

N e ways, stay safe and i hope u loved it :)))))) ;))))

#spellwood #zelda spellman #faustus blackwood #chilling adventures of sabrina

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transrightsjimin · 3 years

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im sorry im not rly in the BE hype atm :((

rant coming which has nothing to do w the album but everything w stress nd fatigue nd crying nd more job stress nd sensory overload and me turning everything into a worse issue in my head etc etc

i was this morning when i saw the mv nd watched the vlive but i obv slept way too few bc i went to bed late nd woke up early for the live and i had to rush a lot w errands nd an appointment w my autism coach nd at said appointment we called a dude from the municipality to inquire abt jobcoaches nd it turned out we misunderstood what jobcoaches are as they are who u get referred to when u have a job, nd the guy found it hard to figure out what type of trajectory(?) would best fit me for help nd now i have time to think abt it and will speak him again in 2 weeks or sooner if i want to. im just so tired nd a bit hungry and on edge and one sec, im in the side of the house tht faces kids playing around aka screeching as if theyre dying every second nd its majking me only more on edge!!!!

but urgh i cried so bad during the appointment and was prob way too rudde to her before the appointment, bc she talks loudly nd sounds rude nd confronting but just naturally bc ofher tone nd language nd urghgh h thikning abt jobs nd trying to talk nd not cry too hard when trying to explain stuff to the man over the phone was rly hard, like obv its fine if he knows im crying but its just hard to talk when crying nd im just so devastated thinking abt jobs!! i dont know what type of job i could handle nd it feels like im making everythig up bc i did somehow finish two studies in uni and im privileged enough w education and whiteness tobe more easily selected for a job by e.g. last name on my cv and i shouldnt be this picky but god i cant handle smth as physically demanding and underpaid as this, im tired 4/7 days that im not working nd what i earn in those 3 days is still not enough to cover rent bc they pay only for the delivery time itself instead of more hours!!! it just feels like wtf am i doing bc the municipality guy did admit im not the usual person he works w bc i had an education, as if i dont belong in the group but its really just an issue of having -100 confidence and no job experience!! like i rly dont strive for a fancy job or ‘’’career’’’, i just bneed something that i can pay my monthly expenses w and have a bit left to save up for e.g. emergencies, additional medical bills (like the 350 euros from the adhd diagnosis and therapy, which my autism coach will contact my adhd therapist abt, like if that bill can be delayed or split up in a payment plan), paying back for loan debt eventually and MAYBE soon god forbid i save up for smth fun. and i “need” the job also to have a daily activity and some structure in my life bc a large part of the reason my schedule is so fucked up is bc i have no more set time tht i need to be anywhere or any strictness or reason to get up nd so i just dont ghhh

im always looking for reasons why i cant do smth and why smth would go wrong and im already looking at every area where getting help w getting a job can go wrong like e.g. me being too stubborn abt companies i dont agree w or me thinking i cant do anything just bc i have not much working experience outside of mail delivery :(

nd then there was this A B C task list system my adhd therapist proposed in wihc i keep track of my most to least urgent + important tasks every day nd we werent sure where to keep track of that kind of list and she suggested sticking a paper to a wall (i think id rather use my wardrobe) to write it on and change or replace that every day and it sounds like a hassle but i rly need to do it every day, nd i can try other methods but thatd be either writing it on my phone but im not always on there nd theres not a type of file i can make that doesnt move back chronologically as i make new notes

ALSO im just very frustrated w myself bc my mom wanted to come over w food and i know she was too sudden w it but if only i left on time for the stores it wouldnt have been an issue. i feel like shes rly sad she couldnt come visit. fucking hell i rushed so much back and forth from the stores that i forgot to put the leftover letters from work yesterday into the outdoor mailbox and i already stress abt this bc my current teamcoach (aka manager) is more stricter w this stuff nd recently asked for a statement / explanation by me on why there were 29 letters w/o sticker from a route i did counted from the collected mail that were in outdoor mailboxes, and i did not do that but my only alibi / reason for not making that huge mistake was that i hadnt posted any mail yet that day and obv he wasnt happy w that. i sometimes had dreams / nightmares recently where i was late again or fucked up w a new route and got fired for it and thats quite an awful scenario / fear to me bc thats exactly why my dad was fired by his previous employee, for being late too often nd we’re the exact same. it just sucks bc i know many ppl who worry abt being late arrive to early at shit bc lol anxiety but i still arrive late every day WHILE being stressed abt it nd my whole fucking issue is that i need to break w bad patterns MYSELF, like whether i get help for autism stuff or adhd or sleep or whatnot, the homework / assignments / tasks / advice they give me, in the end i still need to be the one to do it and push through and make a change or put more effort into not going continuously back to the same distractions or demotivating black-white thinking

just URGH im so easily annoyed nd sensitive, also as in sensitive on a tactile level nd it doesnt help tht my room is a mess nd im super stinky from bts BE excitement and from squeezing my skin a lot last night, nor does the fact that i have rly bad coordination / awareness of my surroundings nd continuously bumping into shit or getting caught on smth help, which is also another reason im just so slow at work bc if i try to walk or deliver mail faster i keep end up bruising nd tripping or tear my hands on all these hard to move or sharp mail box slots if im not careful nd slower, which does still happen but not as bad when im careful

im also rly dizzy rn from haing slept too few and just urgh i “need“ a stupid fucking job, i need the money i need the structure but my god does actual labour and having to deal w colleagues every day and trying to keep up w stuff and be fast and precise enough in whatever the job is, sound horrifying hhhgghgh

OK RANT OVER IM SICK OF ME TALKING SO MUCH

#rambles #i dont even feel like explainig any of this stuff more if it was unclear #bc trying to re-tell what ppl from bureaucracies told me and each nd every thing explained is so complex

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sukunassubmissive · 4 years

Text

Monsta x wonho

Part 1

The year 1497, I stood at the thrown by my father, the king’s side. As the king answers all the prayers of our peasants and soldiers, I stand there listening to all what’s wrong in the world and not knowing if my father really feels bad and deals with the problems or not.

As a group of 7 boys walk up to the throne and kneel, one boy in particular caught my eye. A sparkle shimmered in his eyes. I gulped st his sudden beauty. Yes he was a peasant and his dirt on his skin doesn’t cover the fact he has pure beauty.

“My king, the seven of us wish to become your seven protectors!” The boy with the beautiful black hair and sparkling eyes said.

The king hummed in thought. He looked over towards me.

“Well dear, what do you think of these boys train to be your knights?” I coughed and covered my face. “Excuse me father. But I may have no judgement due to just being princess.”

I say with a bowe.

“My dear daughter. You are next to take the throne I have it yet found knights for your safety as I shall be going into battle soon. These boys that will surely turn into men and will go to battle for you as well.” He says and smiles with encouragement.

All seven boys gulped and looked at each other and shrugged.

The beautiful boy says, “your highness, it would be an honor to serve our princess and king and would honestly be an honor to die for this country and kingdom.” He bows since again and lies his head on his knee.

“Come forth you seven!” The king rises from his throne and the seven walk towards him.

The other knights cautiously watched and takes stance.

“What are thee names of yee.” The king ask.

The beautiful boy looks up and finally noticed me as if I was a brick wall that hit him right in the face. His sparkle flashes brighter and his lips curve into a soft smile and he stutters his name.

“H-Hoseok....lee Hoseok my king.” He bows toward me this time.

“My king, I am shownu.” The man built the same as this supposedly lee Hoseok tells his name. He’s just as beautiful.

“You highness and majesty, I am yoo Kihyun.” He bows as well. I shyly blush as I see all seven boys are just as beautiful as the first. They are like gods.

“Thee I am minhyuk and I’m honored to serve you my princess.”

He bows.

The next boy bows and says. “Hyungwon My king and soon to be queen.” He was the tallest and lean and he swayed like a bird through the air. Perfect gestures.

The boy with soft but strong features smiles. His dimples sparkles and shined. “I am jooheon my king and princess. I am delighted to be you knight.” He bows.

The last boy shyly steps forward and kneels on one knee. Bowing towards me.

“I am thee last of my name my king. I am Im Changkyun. I would be honored to protect and die for thee.” He softly but sincerely says. My heart raced. It was not fair for all seven of these fine men to die for me. “Father I must take these boys into training myself! I would like to pick which one stays at my side and which one must be leader of the knights.”

I lied to my father to take them into my care so they may never see battle.

“Very well my dear. Take them away!” The king sits back down. “And boys! If anyone hurts my baby girl or even touches her I shall take your head and portray it outside my castle walls.” The Kong’s smirks in excitement and true as love can be. All seven boys gulp and look at each other and say. “Yes your majesty!” They bow once again an follow me.

10 years later. I am the age of 26 years old. My father is on his death bed. And I sit there at the edge of his bed and cry. My father holds my hands.

“My dear loving daughter I hope I have trained you well to become the most caring and loving queen to our people. I have heard stories of kingdoms being over thrown by their lovers. I shall never see that while we I am on the other side. I hope you realize what you are doing with that boy. I do not approve of him being king quite yet! I have written in my will that if he shall pass the test he may be king. But you are the fine ruler my sweet daughter.” He talks to me about Hoseok.

“Father how did you know Hoseok and I have been seeing each other?” I say in surprise. He places his cold hand against my cheek.

“My darling daughter, you do not think I know you very well with all my duties but I have been watching you. the way you first laid eyes upon the boy and his friends. That is why I trained them to be your knights. I watch you sneak around at night while I work on our government in my study. I laugh at your silliness to hide your love from me. So I gave the boy a test. He must bring me the head of our enemy to prove his loyalty, than he shall marry my daughter.” I gasp.

“Father! I shall not condone this aggressive battle! I don’t want any of those boys leaving for battle! What if they shall not return?” I yell and sob.

“End of discussion daughter! Leave!” My father yells towards me. And the knights take me and drag me out. My father coughs into rag. And blood coughed out of his mouth into the rag. He lied down and rested some more.

That night Hoseok knocked upon my door. I opened it as I was dressed in nothing but silk see through gown. He looked upon me up and down. He coughed and choked on his words as he was shocked to see me almost naked.

“My princess, I shall not see you like this!” I smirk and grab him by his collar of his blouse. I pulled him forward inside my bedroom.

“Hoseok. My dear Hoseok! My father wishes you to kill the enemy of our kingdom, I shall not let that happen! If you do you may never return.” I now say worried I will lose him for ever.

“My love. We have been seeing one another for 5 years now I have laid my eyes on you and I instantly fell in love with you. I must prove to your father before his death that I am worthy to be your king and lover. I am going in two days.” He says as he lies his forehead against mine. His leans his lips against mine softly. Oh the softness of his lips against mine brings butterflies to my stomach. I wrap my arms around his broad shoulders and deepen the kiss.

“You are so much worthy than that my love. You are my king and my heart. My soul. My life. Make love to me tonight my love. Right now.” I say as I press my tender soft body against his rock hard gently muscular body. He moans softly at me as he pushes me slightly against my king plush bed with satin sheets and black and purple bedding. He lies me down on my back and hovers over my tense body.

“Are you sure you want this my love. It will be uncomfortable and sore for a few. I do not wish to hurt you or make you cry. I want this so badly but I am not born of royalty—-“ I kissed him to shut him up. He blushed and smiled against my lips. I felt up against him and that night we connected in a very way I have never felt before.

The next few days him an I met at night and spent as much time as we could before he left.

That day him and his six brothers had left. He had given me one last kiss before his departure.

A week has passed before my love has come back. I worry every night and stay up. I have not slept in days. I worry he may never return. The night before the boys had returned my father had passed. Good news nor bad news had been passed to him before he could approve my marriage. I cried for three days after my father passed. Sad he had left my world and left the kingdom to me. What if I was not a good queen.

The next morning after three days of my father passed my ceremony was made to be that evening. I was planning the ceremony outfits. When a knight had burst through. It was my knight. Mr. Im Changkyun.

“My dear queen, I am so sorry about the terrible news of our king. But we have another set of bad news and good news. We have brought the heads of many of our enemy Forth upon our walls of the kingdom. But we have lost our dear brother in battle and I shall inform you that our future king will no longer be with us as our king but our king and brother in our hearts.” I dropped everything. “W-who?!” I ran toward Changkyun and I think I scared him. I shook him and pushed him against the wall. “W-who have we lost Changkyun!” I yell at him.

He felt the pain to even say his name and I felt my heart drop. I was scared. I feared the death of my love.

He looked down and sighed. “My queen it has been a long journey. Toward the end of our journey another soldier from battle had followed us almost toward the castle and snuck behind our dear Hoseok. He was killed by the king of that kingdom. He was slayed by the sword of the king. The king also threatened to kidnap and kill you as well or auction you off.” My heart shattered at the words he spoke. I could not handle the pain that has come. Even tho I ha even preparing for the pain but it did not compare to the hope I had.

I screamed. Changkyun jumped in fear and shame. He thought I was gonna kill him out of pain. I did not mean to scream at him. But nothing but screams filled both our ears.

The 5 rest of the boys ran inside my room. I screaming and screaming and anger filled my heart. I slammed everything.

They felt the pain I was in taking.

Kihyun ran toward me along with shownu and they tried to hold me and tell me it will be ok. But screams as if I was being murdered kept filling the room ; it felt like I was. I grabbed a hold of a handle that lied upon shownu’s belt. I unsheathed it. The sword that I shall killmyself with. The boys backed away as they feared I was going to go crazy.

“My queen. Please, we killed the king who murdered our brother.” The words hit me again. My heart just aches.

“I’m so sorry my knights. But I can no longer insure this pain I feel! You six shall rule this kingdom! If anyone asks, I have written a note in my desk!” I said so quickly they had no time to react as the sword slit through my throat. My body fell from with gravity.

The boys shocked and scared tried to save me but did not succeed. They cried and cried and finally man enough to become kings themselves.

Hoseok and I will meet into the next life.

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fisherfurbearer · 4 years

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fuck sam walmarts

and fuck management

I’ve had it. Left the store in tears tonight.

as some peoople probably/hopefully know. walmart closes at 6 pm on christmas eve. no one actually gets to leave at 6 becuase of shitty last minute customers. but it is what it is.

this. is really personal but im honestly SO close to just. killing myself? so who cares

basically. had a really really bad last few days. spent a lovely time with family (jessies family, his oma and opa and sister and parents and it was just a great time. theyre more family to me than most of my blood family) but it did make me Sad in Deep ways as we dont know if this is going to be our last christmas with his oma who isnt doing so good. and it just twisted me up a little but was othewrsiwse a great day. but then sunday i just...had a huge breakdown in the morning and decided to use my accomodation (i get 2 excused absenses a month) to cool down and gte myself together. slept a lot. woke up adn got a lot done, felt great, then i CRASHED really really bad, got really angry, lashed otu, took like...8-10 sleeping pills...theyre horrific things and im never doing that again...had to sleep for two days after that...felt horrifically sick, in pain, just awful. had repeating nightmares over and over. which has also been wearing me down recently. wasnt able to work monday either because i still couldnt stand and between the pills and the depression/anxiety and really just. felt like the world was ending.

decided sometime last night id just...try my best to make it in today, work my shift (really long 9-6, knowing i wouldnt leave on time nad htisis my first time working in 5 days now...which is rough...) and if i can get through this, i have another couple days off in a row after that (schedules fault, not mine...do feel awful i missed 3 days before that though...) and we can just. get back on track

today i DID go to work, jessie drove me in

i worked. a long time. im supposed to get a break every 2 hours and a 1 hour lunch

i gott my first break on timeish.

then i got my lunch 6 hours after i got in. at which time i got “locked out” for not taking my lunch and coudlnt do anything on the registers. i was supposed to get it 4 hours in. its christmas eve and excruciating and im still in pain and tired from my previous days breakdowns, but otherwise?? i did really good. i didnt mind at all that my lunch was so late. i was a little miffed, but its ok. i dont care, so long as i get it eventually. anyway they FINALLY noticed i was locked out and got me coverage and i ended my lunch at 4. things continued ok. worked on self checkout, met a lot of regulars i really like, prevented $200 of theft (HAHA WOW that was really really funny i love preventing petty theft. i prevent so much theft every week its my pride and joy) just did okay. then they had us close self checkout that took a little while. then at 5:00-5:10 or so i went to my Manager/Supervisor/”““People LEad” as walmart is now trying to call them, lets call her manager Y, and i told her i still need my break and will i get it before i leave. she said go to register 4. i asked again hey will i get my break though and she said yeah and i thought to mysel HAHA thats not going to happen but ok

really stupid that after bieng locked out the first time she couldnt give me my break before i openned a register with a line i cant get rid of

anywayy i did ok otherwise for a while

but at 5:25 or so i reminded a CSM “hey i need my break still can i get that?” and she just ssaid yeah well try to get someone and then more time passed so much time. i put through an ask on the register “assistance needed”. waited another 10 minutes. “assistance needed” again. starting to get anxious. its past 5:40. the line is so long. theres so MUCH NOISE. Its SO LOUD. the intercom keeps going off, no one is responding to me, i dont have a mat to stand on so my knees HURT,, im not doing okk

i switch my light to flashing/need assistance and start looking for someone to ask for help. its 5:45, i need my break NOW, i DESERVE IT for workng this long ass shift and they already missed several of my last breaks a week ago AND got me locked out today and im STARTING TO GET ANXIOUS PELASE I JUST WANT MY BREAK SO BAD

nnthgen a csm is passing by im about to lose it, so i tell her CSM J, please i really need my break now PLEASE and im starting to ccry and i try to tell her whats going on but she shushes me and goes and gets sometone

im full on tears at this point, im so strreesed out,,

manager Y and some other snooty manager come over andd. ffkcing. ask me whats wrong. im crying and i try to explain im really really stressed out, i havent had my last break, ive been trying to get someone for so long now, i just really need to leave im so sorry

and theyy just. fckkng

ffcking manager Y jjst ssays ok “ill give you your break” and “this is your last break” and i ssaid?? yeah i knoww?? andd she saidd “next time youre like this, just dont come in”

i quote that completeltyyy....i really lost it then...i cried som muchh

this isnt the first itme she said something like this to meee...

she asked me “why are you CRYING” When i had an anxiety attacki n the store once, when ic cloked in and couldnt get myself together,, she didnt give me time to calm down, she didnt listen as to why, she just said “why are you crying. this is a BUSINESS. you cant be CRYING Here.” and i just said ok ill go home bye and leftt

andd when i tried to get my availability changed from 7-9 to 7-6/7-7 because the random late shifts with 7 am shifts was messing me up really really bad and my doctor thinks i need to hcange it too, she just said “i cant do that. thisi sa BUSINESS.” and she wouldnt listen when i said i might have to quit because of this, this is for my health, im literally scheduled 7-2 every sunday in december, busiest day of the busiest month and you cant even chop TWO HOURS off my weekend availability????

andd i jjst

ive HAD IT with her

ive had ittt

im so ashamed and angry and anxious and i still havent stopped cryingg. she called me over to her again as i was leaving and she blamed me for it. she ssaid a customer was upset that i “Screamed” (ues i raised my voice a little but i wasnt screaming??? also the two customers i was attending to when this was going on and i cried were VERY KIND nad jjst said i was doing a good job and thanked me for being there) and called a manager over (but...csm J got them?? not a customer...??) and i cant be acitng like this, i cant do customer service when im stressed,, and d i should just STAY HOME If im going to be like that

then shee fufkcing toold me i DID IT WRONG, that i “shouldve called someone over” I TOLD HER I DID!!!!! I DID!!!!!!!!!! YOU NAIL INTO MY HEAD IM NOT ALLOWED TO LEAVE THE REGISTER SO I DIDNT, I DID EVERYTHING ELSE I COULD THOUGH!!! I REQUESTED HELP TWICE!! I TURNED MY LIGHT TO FLASHING!!! I TRIED TO CATCH A MANAGER WALKING BY TO HELP ME!!! N OONE LISTENED UNTIL IT WAS TOO LATE, I DID EVERYHTING I COULD!! yet she seriously told me to my face that “you didnt call anyone”, “you couldve turned your light to flashing” WHICH I DID and sshee jjst said that i made customers uncomfortable and i cant work like thatt and just stay hhome

ii stayed home sunday because i was having a mjor mental emergencyy.

i came in today because i was feeling better and i took it eaasy and ended up doing a wonderful job and mad eso many people smilea nd fixed so many problems that wouldve otherwise upset a lot of folks and i met my regulars and made old folks smile andd i prevented a lot of theft that no one else wouldve caughtt and i jjstt broke down after 9 hours and not getting a last break and all the chaos of register (WHICH BY THE WAY THEY KNOW I DONT LIKE REGISTER!!! I THRIVE ON SLE FCHECOUT!!! THATS MY JOB TITLE!! THATS WHAT I DO!!!! THEY KNOW THISS!!!!) and HER AVOIDING GIVING ME MY FUCKING BREAK and NOT RESPECTING MY FFUCKING METNAL DISABILITIES LJNASDKAJHDBASJSDNAJSNDKANSD

I JJST DONT KNOW WHAT TO DOO

i really want to die and i really want to never go back but i really loved my job i loved helpting people ii jjst hate her so muchhh and i feel GENUINE DREAD/SEVERE ANXIETY jjst SEEING her nnow

she doesnt CARE about anyone but herself shes a horrible peson i cant tell the store manager though cause she wont care either and manager Y has more clout than me so shell just twist my words and make me out as the bad guy as hte “CRAZY ONE” who cries and gets stressed (FOR COMPLETELY VALID REASONS AFTER BEING PUSHED OVER THE EDGE) even tthough i work SO FFRIKCING HARD and do SUCH A GOOD JOB and asdjanjsdhajshdas

i d ont know what to doo

i cant work another job because no where else pays as much or will let me do self checkout only, because being a cashier stresses me so muchh

ii...really wanntted to grow stuff and make preserves and sell bee products and work with folks raising heritage sheep and make more fiber art andd open a little stall at a local market and sell all that,, and offer more online and do customs andd stuff

i know i could mkae money that wa ybut i ccantt start it so sudenly and im too Broken to do it seriouslyy and i dont even want to HAVE to quit because of ONE PERSON But shes done this so many times now and this is the nfinfal streaww

i jjst dont know what to doo...

i cantt stop cryingg

i cant even enjoy christmas nnow. wanted to see my stepdad and give him his presernt and maybe be ok.

last christmas we had to move because our house was condemned after a fire. now im going to have to lose my job because of a horrible manager who doenst respect my metnal health or anything about me reallyy. and unfortunately im such a failure that i cant. do anything else and if i lose this job ill lse my animla sand i wotnt be able to do anyhtingg andd im jjust fucking trash

goddammit i dont know what to do. i really dont. hhahaaa. i just really want to end it. ive come so far and none of it fucking matters because of thiss fucking horrible manager.

#jjst...ffeels like shes violating somethingg #and treating me a LOT like how my abusive mother used to treat me #why are you CRYING? you cant be trying here. this is a BUSINESS.#is a lot like Why Do You look so MISERABLE all the time?? why are you CRYING??#and shit like IGNORING ME when i try to change my hours #straight up ignoring me #she basically made it clear shed rather me QUIT than fuckingg chop 2 hours off my AVAILABILITY #ITS SO FRUSTRATING #AND SHES SUCH A HYPROCRITE #scheduled 7-2 every sunday!!#yet you cant change my availability to 7-7??#you NEED ot keep it until 9???#but working until 9 and getting home around 10 and getting no sleep because i need to take care of my pets and myself #and get up at 5:30 the next morning for work at 7 #WHEN THAT COULD EASILY BE ALTERED BY CHIPPING A COUPLE HOURS OFF MY AVAILABILITY #AND MY DOCTOR ALSO THINKS I NEED TO CHANGE IT TOO #BUT WHO FUCKING CARES RIGHT ITS A BU S I N E S S #SURE SURE BUT WHEN A CUSTOMER FLIPS THE SIGN ON A $7.94 SHIRT #TO SAY 0.94 CENTS #WITH THE CENTS SIGN!!!!#THEN I HA V E TO HONOR IT #THATS A+ BUSINESS RIGHT THERE #BITCH DOESNT EVEN KNOW HOW TO APPROVE A COUPON ON SLEF CHECKOUT!!!!#AND OUR FRICKING STORE MAANGER MAKES TRIPLE FIGURES!!!#BUT NO ONE FUCKINGG CARES #NO ONE FUCKING CARES #I DONT KNOW WHAT TO DO ANYMOREE #id dont want to have to lose my job and stability over this one person #but this isntt...ok #i shouldnt have to go to work and deal with MORE emotional abuse

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96xie · 4 years

Text

2019

a whole summary of this difficult year

2019 was full of unexpected good and bad surprises along with lessons and experiences.

january

spent good time with mocha, wayo and brian

had such a good time with guildies from our game

met up with some other ppl from the same game and didnt feel too good bc i was never good with crowds and/or groups that were already well established

tried tinder for the first time because i thought it would be nice to put myself out there for once

feburary

continued my tinder journey and actually had fun with it. it was pretty scary at the same time because it was such a new experience talking to other people and to have them notice you? because i always knew and felt that i wasnt really the desirable one.

actually hooked up with a guy from last months meetup and hung out twice. thought it was going somewhere because he, too, showed signs to progress further ((was wrong because he lied and showed red flags later))

one major red sign to me: no response after genuinely saying thank you for rides and dinner. im the type of person who always says thank you because im honestly grateful for the little and big things. he basically shrugged it off.

also, a huge liar. yah, big no

i brought him to my friends birthday bc they and himself wanted to meet each other, it was fun while it lasted but stuff happened

towards the end of the month, i cut my ties off with him for being awfully mean to me and also cut ties with my “friends” for having really bad assumptions of me.

i was frustrated with myself at that time bc his cats gave me a bad breakout and i felt super ugly. also i wasnt sad over him, but over the fact that i let myself be treated like a second option. eventually i learned that it was good that i didnt let things go further and that i only deserve the very best.

even though i was hurt, i thought it was a good experience, esp since i havent really been in the “dating game” for years. like it was a just a small step to putting myself out there once again

a week later after that a classmate asked me out and got tons of compliments from him and wondered “the universe really works in crazy ways”

march

met some cool people through the same mobile game on a discord server and they were much better than the first group.

also met this really funny dude in the same group. like he was so fun to talk to and he understood my dumb lingo

remember when my classmate asked me out on a date? it turned out a bit weird. but considering this was my first date in YEARS i thought it was a cool experience. got some carne asada fries outta him

i had the dude i was talking to call me so i could leave the date tho LOL ((he helped me lots, esp how to deal with awkward situations with my classmate. also at this point, i really liked talking to him but i wasnt rly sure if i wanted to date other guys bc i had been hurt previously)

this month was pretty much dedicating most of my time talking to him and i enjoyed it alot

also went to pubs for the first time to hangout with my coworkers. such an interesting place

april

tried rollerskating for the first time ever, ended up with a bunch of bruises but it was cool!

also tried 7leaves for the first time and instantly fell in love with mungbean

also went clubbing in sf with my friends and it was such a fun time like i had SO much fun

i got auctioned off of SAD! that phase was just a crazy ride. while there was many that dm’d me, there was only one special person that i only replied to and continued to talk to him on a daily basis

((honestly, i was scared that i was taking things a bit further with him because a part of me was like “are you ready for this?” and “have you really recovered from that guy?” or “can you give this guy your all?” just alot of overthinking))

spent 4/20 at sf with my friends, and overall had a GREAT time. took too many hits and drank so ya gorl was crossfaded. not sure if i wanna do tht again tho

unfortunately woke up with a swollen face and it lasted for a LONG time.

may

so my face is still swollen, still bad, red as a tomato and at this point i was really hesitant to meet up with the guy ive been talking to. i mean!! my skin was SO bad. i felt like i was gonna make a fool out of myself by scaring him away

but,,,, he was still willing to see me despite my appearance and : ( he was so accepting and typing this makes my heart ache bc he is SUCH a good man : (

i met up with the guy towards the end of the month in sj and first thing he does when i walk up to him is give me this great warm hug and so many smooches !!!!!!! like my heart is melting

eventually we became official !!! he got us an airbnb for the night and we jus spent time cuddling on the bed and honestly i : ( i like him so much

june

my birthday wasnt rly that like “wow” it was actually kinda annoying

my bf flew up to sf where we met up, explored the city and slept the night in at an airbnb. next day went to oakland where i introduced my friends to him!

went to my first festival with several with my friends, including ppl from our same guild from our game and it was SO fun

rolled for the first time and it was SUCH an experience. redosed like twice and ended up hallucinating which is something ill def not do again

also i really wished my bf was with me at that time : ( while i had an extremely fun time, i wish i shared that moment with him : (

july

went to vegas for my cousins 22nd bday. shit was wild

also rolled there.

also threw up for the very first time

a fight broke out at the club and that shit was fuckgin CRAZY and it was RIGHT next to our table

also used alot of my money for the whole trip in which nobody really told me about so …. i was like ok.. fuck …

also my skin was still bad during these past months so it was pretty hard masking it

like really hard. with someone with terrible eczema, its just extremely hard to hide it

august

bf flew to sac!!! he met my mom for the first time and we explored the city and stuff

and went on an ikea date! and! honestly i just really loved spending time with him :c

we also spent time with my friends! they came over also! and ate some fuckgin bomb ass waffles

and then took bus down to la to meetup with some friends from our guild towards the end of the month!

it was pretty nice to be able to stay with my bf in his apartment !!!!!

also some scalding tea but thats rly for another time

to make it super short tho: our friend that we’ve known much longer than the girl he met (less than 3 months) dropped our friendship SO quick lol

september

cousin bonding @ beach, too cold for tht doe

towards the end of the month, my bf flew me down!!! so i spent the weekend with him and like always, only had a good time with him!

AND ALWAYS EATING GOOD FOOD!

october

during this fall semester, i took online classes and one of them was a 8week class. there was a topic about mental health and how we can take care of ourselves better and i just thought it was such an important thing to cover. i feel like its not talked about enough

november

spent thanksgiving with my family down in morgan hill and ate good food! honey ham has a special place in my heart.

went black friday shopping first at walmart, lowkey disappointed in myself because i was bummed out the apple watches were sold out. the materialistic part of me jumped out oof

slept at my cousins then went to the mall! didnt get anything besides really good bulgogi fries. i hated going into stores tho cuz everything was literally crowded. hated it !!!!!!!

went to a small festival in sacramento with my friends at the end of the month and this time is 7 of us (than the usual 5)! it was sososo fun.

also took my coworker with me, it was actually amusing to see bc our group were all asian and he’s the only tall white guy

made hotpot at home and we also went out for milktea and waffles again! sooo good.

december

flew down to see my bf again and only had a good time! went to this garden with beautiful lights and ! ugh! SO pretty!

cried in his bed before my flight back, cried on the plane, cried at home and cried before i slept. i miss him

also racked up alot of hours so i could pay for my tuition and my family’s bills. kinda sucks bc im pretty tired but i gotta do what do i gotta do.

christmas was a bit lonely bc my mom went to the philippines and i dont rly talk to my brother but my kuya came the next day and we ate n watched stuff

overall, it was a whacky year. but im so glad to have met ed. he means SO much to me. a part of me was so hesitant to date him because i mean, he’s man with his life set. i dont have a car, im still in school, i have this part time job where im giving my mom all my paychecks and which the only money im keeping is just my tips (not much), i still have issues with myself and other conflicts and honestly theres much to do, learn and grow from. but he’s so supportive, understanding and loving and i love and appreciate him from the bottom of my heart. most of the time i wonder if im doing and if im being enough for him. i worry about that alot but he’s so patient with me. i laugh alot when im with him and i feel so happy.

did i mention that we are long distance? him being in la and me in sacramento. so the only thing thats connecting us is facetime. maybe once every two months will i see him in person but yep. when i had my first panic attack, i really wanted him right next to me. at that moment i felt even more sad because of course you’re gonna want you’re significant other during a moment like that. but anyways, i always miss him and i always want him next to me and i always love him. i want to hurry up and get my education done with so i can be with him. not to sound like omg im so madly infatuated with him type of thing tho. he’s someone who understands me and knows how to love me.

i hope 2020 treats me well despite all the challenges ahead of me.

#phew #old mutuals im on twtr! keep in contact with me there!

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piamii · 4 years

Text

Taking a mental health day from work today but was really conflicted about how to word it.

Last year I took a few mental health days but there were 6 of us so maybe it was less conspicuous

It’s only me this year and I for some reason keep feeling this push pull with my supervisor to be close and honest with her

Last night I was feeling ok about work. But after once again not sleeping properly I feel like somethings up with me

I’m feeling all the ways I used to feel about my mental health

Being small is not okay, it’s not okay to let go, I’m responsible for all of my clients progress and safety

Which is true in a way but

I also have beeen thinking about the difference between me and my supervisor

She’s the only person I see on a regular basis. Like I see her 4 times a week

So I don’t know how to be myself, a postdoc

I keep comparing myself to her

I wondered to myself would anyone else take a mental health day in my position?

Who cares, others aren’t me

It’s like I forgot I’m extremely sensitive and have been sobbing every day and not sleeping well at all during the weekdays

My nutrition and hydration and shit has been ok, so I’m not getting sick which is the weird part

Im so incredibly emotionally constipated

There are so many incredibly destructive thoughts in my head right now that haven’t been addressed

Things have just gotten increasingly harder for a long time now and I can’t tell where adjustment starts and my dysfunctional mental state ends

Is it really ok for me to say work is too much?

Does it make me pathetic?

Didn’t I feel this way in all previous years too?

2nd year, it wasn’t like this but at least I was more honest with myself about how anxious and nervous I was about work. I definitely took it easy and complained more often. I slept poorly frequently on clinical days and would feel really angry about it. I don’t think I got sick more than once that year

3rd year i wasn’t sleeping quite as poorly but still had sleep problems, hated my commute. That was the year I kind of had to start blocking people out of my life, like not completely but was so down and exhausted that I couldn’t function socially outside of work and school. I didn’t get sick much tho. Definitely noticed SAD symptoms starting this year but to be honest felt somewhat depressed on and off through early winter until spring which is I guess the colder darker months in OR. I think I had some SI but it was towards the end of winter

4th year was when I had more somatic issues. My sleep was honestly not bad that year comparatively speaking but when m and I broke up during internship application season I had a bunch of health issues that resolved shortly after my interviews ended. Tbh internship interviews were a nice reprieve from the dark slump that probably would have hit me if I had just done school in the winter. I had my first sinus infection in spring and went to see Slushii anyways Hahahha.

Internship year... I had a sinus infection too and got a cold maybe 2 other times. Last year was the most I’ve ever gotten sick. I took a mental health day maybe like 3 times and actually used sick days too. I want to say this was the hardest year for me mental health wise until this year in terms of symptoms but the best in terms of self care. By like April/May I was feeling really good about life. Maybe it’s the weather here too idk

This year feels so much harder than the other years combined. I’ve used one sick day and two mental health days and I’m having a hard time understanding where I’m at mental health wise in conjunction with who I need to be to do well at work. It feels like I’m growing at an unmanageable pace. I’ve had the most frequent SI I’ve ever had in my life which is somewhat alarming to me. I’m safe don’t worry but I’m just saying the thoughts coming into my head. My sleep is getting reallynfucked up over these last 2 weeks. I sleep like a baby on the weekends which makes me feel like it’s stress related. On one hand I’m acclimating to this insane amount of stress and on the other hand it feels like every day I’m being stretched open and carved out.

I’m not even ruminating that much before bed anymore. Like I’m not actively distressed like I used to be when things hit me hard last year. I’m just constantly unhappy and anxious this year which I feel like is my lot in life right now. My self care has gotten much better last year and this year, but this year it’s been harder to find ways to relax. Things went downhill really fast, when the seasons finally changed here and I started seeing 4 of my clients in the field. I am most definitely consistently working over 40 hrs a week now. I tried really hard last year to work less whenever I could and honestly the agency was pretty good about giving us a reasonable workload. But now it feels like I’m meeting the real world, where work just comes at you and never says sorry. You had to do extra and stay longer this week? Sucks for you. You have to completely uproot your already untenable schedule because one of your clients has really a really complex risk presentation? Welp that’s the price of doing this work.

Like when I was told the weeks here typically don’t go past 40 hrs I feel like I was lied to. I feel alone and singled out bc I’m the only postdoc this year. I want to know how C felt 2 years ago. If there were 2 of us I feel like I’d be having an okay time. Can you fucking believe they had a hard time building to full caseload last year? It cannot be just me in this position. I want to give up every day.

I don’t feel protected I don’t feel like I can ever let my guard down. There is no one I talk to regularly that I can be honest with. I don’t have the energy to relay this information to the people I do talk to regularly which at this point is my supervisor and M. And like hell im going to tell my supervisor this stuff.

Is this the real world?

Something tells me it is, but I have to find a way through it somehow

I’m still debating about this one client. She’s on my mind a lot and I’m scared which is probably a parallel experience to what her family is experiencing.

The fuck you mean our ethical duty? What am I supposed to take away from that convo? I know I have my own voice and opinion but that made me feel really bad for not doing exactly as you said. I know I tend towards the anxious paranoid side of things but that really scared me because instilll can’t think straight about this client and I sure as hell cant go to you.

The relationship between e and I has changed too, I think she’s overwhelmed too

Something that keeps popping up over and over again is- how fucking awful it would be for a client to complete suicide

I know it happens and it’s time I face that this could happen

It’s a terrifying thought and I almost don’t want to tell anyone that I’m having it

It feels shameful and dangerous to think about, because if I can’t handle it who could?

Who can contain this for me and tell me it’s okay? I don’t want to fucking hear that I should do more

It’s a complex mess of emotions inside my head. I understand why I would need to do more in this situation but there’s no room for it. I want help in trying to balance but my schedule is already unbalanced and bringing me into a dark place emotionally.

What if because I took today off no one sees my hospital patients all week?

Friday is going to suck ass if that’s the case

I could ask my supervisor directly to see them

But I want to be small today

And that would take a lot from me

How does the psychology service work at the hospital during Xmas break?

Uhhhh....

Shit.

I’m scared for some stupid reason that someone will make me stay during break or I’ll have to work some crazy stupid long hours on Friday

I hate ongoing patients bc they still need to be seen but it’s kind of your choice whether or not to see them

It’s like adding an automatic to do to the list every time I’m there but the task takes 2 hrs at least

I’m always scared I have to stay late at the hospital, luckily the latest has been 6:30 but I’m terrified every time I go in that it’s going to be longer

This is new for me and it’s ok to get freaked out

To not have a clear idea how much I am going to work each day and each week really puts me off

I feel pathetic because aren’t there a lot of jobs that are unpredictable like that? Especially once you become salaried ?

My stomach is starting to hurt

It’s weird because I haven’t gotten any somatic symptoms this year but I’ve also been sobbing my eyes out every day so maybe that’s why my body is feeling okay. I haven’t really cried the last few days because I’m just very tired of crying at this point, so maybe that’s why my stomach has been hurting a bit more

Every time m says something nice to me, hell anytime anyone says something nice to me I start to cry and I’m just so fucking done with crying and feeling out of control just to have nothing change and things even get harder at work

Fuck!!!!!

I haven’t properly dealt with this terrified feeling

I have to tell myself this feeling is informative but separate from reality

I’m so fucking scared.

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angelkurenai · 5 years

Note

hi so this is totally out of your perfect writing context but i dont know where to turn i have no one honestly.. how do you deal with the fact that a guy you slept with tells people you slept with him? im so confused and mad. i told him i was sexually abused in the past and it was a party we were drunk he was nice and promised to make me forget. But how in the hell was i supposed to guess he was gonna tell people what we did? i feel dirty. im so sorry for this personnal question really

Ok wow has this been for too long in here? I’m still replying to messages from, like, two weeks ago and I can’t seem to have enough time to do more because of university. I’m super sorry for this, I really wish I would have been able to reply earlier to this but I’m by NO MEANS ignoring you so... I guess be prepared for a long ass reply here cause I can never hold back any thoughts...

Anyway, alright here we go: First. And I mean first and freaking foremost I don’t want wanna read you saying you feel dirty with yourself ever again. You hear me/read this? Never. And I repeat: don’t you ever dare say that about yourself. I’m saying this as a friend so I’m not gonna be sugarcoating a single thing - I never do anyway - and I’m gonna be 1000000% honest when I say you don’t deserve this. Don’t do this to yourself, please, don’t! You don’t deserve, especially because of some asshole, to say or even think so bad of yourself. You made no mistake so big to feel this bad with yourself. Honey, loving yourself just the way you are and because of the way you are is the most important thing we learn in this world. It’s hard, I know, fucking hell it’s one of the hardest things. even people who say they’re happy with themselves don’t fully mean it because of so many reasons. Society is fucked up, people are fucked up and so many more that they end up dragging us down.

But you don’t deserve it. I mean it. And I know it. I’m 1000000% you don’t, just by reading this message from you I know you don’t. Don’t drag yourself down because of some bastard. Just don’t. It’s- It’s pointless? It’s not worth it. He is not.

I won’t say you didn’t make a mistake. Then again, I mean, I don’t really know how well you know this guy sure, and for that maybe it was or maybe it wasn’t a bit of a rushed decision to sleep with him, you know that so far. But on the other hand, am I gonna blame you for it? Hell no. There’s nothing wrong with wanting to feel good, anon. Absolutely nothing. Forgetting the pain - and sometimes the emotional one is the hardest to get over - even in that way is by no means wrong. We all want to feel good, want to feel loved, want to be accepted and want to get over the pain. that’s absolutely human, so please- Seriously please don’t blame yourself for this. No, there was no way you could have known. No woman could have ever know, honey.

Problem with so many men, mostly nowadays, is that if they don’t think with what’s between their shoulders but just with what’s between their legs. They brag about the women they sleep with, for most of them it’s like a game and women are just extra points till they get the damn award or something. Most possible thing is he doesn’t even understand how bad what he’s doing is because sadly there are so many toxic men out there bragging about things like this and taking pride in all of it. Sure there are those who are the exact opposite and for those you should not close yourself off completely.

But seriously, a guy must be incredibly insensitive to go ahead and do something like this while knowing what you’ve gone through! They’re the definiton of bastards. People like him make me feel ashamed and even more disgusted by the human kind. I definitely agree that not all men are like, oh definitely not, but it’s sad and infuriating how men like him exist and will probably never learn. Because they can’t understnad how it feels. He could still know and would hardly be able to understand how it feels because in the end, he didn’t go through that himself ya know?

It’s probably our very problem in general. Women use their heart more often than they should. even the most seemingly cold-hearted ones, emotions are really our strongest point. So don’t think like it’s your fault, please don’t. You can think of any woman you want, any at all, strongest or most powerful ones. Smartest or not. Had they gone through the same and been in your situation, I guarantee you they’d do the same. At least a good 99% of them.

The thing, at this point, is that you shouldn’t let him do this to you. You’re strong. I know you are, because you are able to live, wake up every day and go on with your life the way all of us do after having experienced what you did back then. That takes some real ass strength, one that - if you ask me - I don’t think I’d ever have. Many wouldn’t. So I want you to take a couple minutes, think about all the good things that actually exist in this life even the smallest ones that do make you happy - just like chocolate does for me - and definitely indulge in any guilty pleasure you have cause, ya know what? There’s no need to be guilty about in the first place. Try to do things about yourself, please, promise me you will do things for yourself that make you feel good, but not be reckless about them. And then slowly start to love yourself more, I know it can be near impossible, but that’s what you should try to achieve every day more than anything else. Put yourself first and your health cause there is nothing more important than that, and I do know it. And then...

Eeeh if making that bastard pay for it one way or another, makes you feel good then hmmm why not?? ;) But do it for yourself, more than anything. I don’t know if talking to him might help you, don’t even know if he’s the kind of guy that would even pay attention to begin with (doesn’t really sound like it). And if he’s someone that was really a part of your life then cutting him off is the best choice possible. Think of this as... a lesson, a hard one that I know hurts just like most of them, but a very important one. Because at the end of the day you’ll have people that really care about you like me! ♥

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new-to-this123 · 6 years

Text

To Hickey Or Not To Hickey?

As per requested

Can you do a imagine where you do the hickey prank on either Scott or Monty ?

Monty X Reader

Warning: swearing

Word count: 1143

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

It was saturday night and Jessica and Hannah were over for your usual saturday sleepover.. You had been drinking and playing truth or dare.

“Truth or dare” hannah said pointing to Jessica

“Truth” she answered

“Is it true that justin has slept with most girls or is it all a facade to look cool?”

“It's totally true. He's a whore” You started laughing.

“Truth or dare Y/N”

“Truth”

“Is monty really the one?”

“Monty was my first anything. He was my first crush, my first kiss, my first time, my first boyfriend, my first love. So ya i really think he is.”

“You're so corny it's gross” Hannah said

“Truth or dare Hannah”

“Hmm Truth”

“The picture that circulated last year, was it you and courtney?”

“Oh my god! What a good question!” jessica exclaimed

“Really Y/N??” answered Hannah

“Just answer the question” you laughed

“Urg yes it was. Now truth or dare Y/N”

“We've been playing this game for like an hour and we've only chosen truth, so i'm going dare”

“ I dare you to pull a hickey prank on monty”

You stared at her as if she had lost her mind.

“Have you lost your mind!” You exclaimed

“A dare is a dare” jessica answered

“Monty will be livid!”

“Ya be he won't lay a finger on you.Maybe threaten to kill whoever hicked you but he won't hurt you” hannah replied

“Okay okay tomorrow we can do it, and you guys can have your fun from a far”

“Oh my gawd we are so filming this Y/N”

“Why???” you questioned

“Because when he calms down we can show him the video so he knows its us making the hickey with makeup and not a real one duh” Jessica answered

“Okay whatever, lets get some sleep” you answered worried about tomorrow.

~~~~The Next day~~~~

You woke to a pillow being smacked in your face and hannah and jessica laughing.

“Thanks guys” you said as you sat up.

“Lets go make our pancakes so we can get on with this sunday” Jessica said

“Y/N here, needs to go piss off a certain hot headed jock!” Hannah added

“You guys are assholes” you said getting out of bed and heading towards the kitchen.

You made pancakes and ate and cleaned. Now you were all heading back up to your room.

Jessica and hannah were cheering “Y/N gonna do a hickey prank Y/N gonna do a hickey prank”

“You guys are insane! It's not that exciting!”

“Uuum Maybe if you were dating a sweetheart like me it wouldn't be a big deal” Hannah said.

“Im sure if you went up to clay with a hickey on your neck he'd freak!” you replied.

“Justin would freak too don't worry. But Justin and Clay aren't liberty highs Hot headed fight seeking, Montgomery De La Cruz!” Jessica added

“All the more reasons why i shouldn't be doing this!”

Jessica and hannah went through your makeup and found a few eyeshadows that, when blended, made the perfect hickey colour.

“Beautiful!” Hannah and medics said at the same time.

“it looks real!” you said looking in the mirror.

“he's gonna be so pissed” jessica laughed.

You walked to the park, which was not far from your house, where you were to meet up with monty. Jessica and Hannah had told clay and Justin to meet them there too. Clay was already there when you girls got there.

“hey baby does this look real” she moved the hair from your neck and showed him your fake hickey.

“why?” he asked looking at your neck

“just answer the question clay!” Jessica snapped.

“I mean yes but why?” he questioned

“can't explain here come Monty and Justin.” Hannah said

“shhhh” Jessica said looking at Clay.

“hiya guys” you said hugging Monty.

“hey baby!” Monty replied hugging you.

You all walked around town for a bit talking about your weekend and plans for the week. Everything was going fine. Monty hadn't noticed anything yet. You decided to go to Monet's for a coffee and we're sitting at an outside table. Suddenly a big gush of wind blew and moved your hair. Justin was the first to speak up.

“marking your territory real nice monty”

“what?” monty asked confused

“Y/N hickey, nice job” Justin laughed

Montys face dropped, and turned to anger real quick as he moved the hair off your neck and saw a hickey.

“what the fuck is that??” he asked angerily.

“I.. I don't, I burned myself straightening my hair.” you lied

He stood up and grabbed your hand and pulled you away from your group of friends. You looked back and saw that Jessica and Hannah were explaining to Justin and clay the whole joke.

“he's gonna freak” was all Justin said to the girls who were laughing.

“what the actual fuck Y/N??” monty asked looking you right in the eyes.

“it's nothing ok!” you tried to play it down

“NOTHING! You having someone else suck on your neck is NOTHING!!!” he yelled at you

“don't yell at me Montgomery” you said calmly

“don't fucking yell. I'll Fucking kill the guy who did that to you!!” he said moving your hair and pointing to your neck

“I told you I burnt myself!”

“Fuck you! Don't fucking lie to me!!”

The tension was high, you could tell your boyfriend was ready to kill someone. You looked over to Hannah, Jessica, clay and Justin,all of whom were laughing hysterically.

“hey Monty,! Bro come here” Justin yelled calling him over

He walked over to the table pissed.

“the fact that my girlfriend cheated on me is NOT fucking funny assholes” he said sharply.

“no what's funny is that…” Jessica started and you cut her off

“it's fake!!! It was a dare” you said quickly feeling overly guilty for what you had just done

“you serious?” Monty looked at you in disbelief.

“yes it's makeup” Jessica laughed.

Monty moved your hair over, licked his finger and rubbed the fake hickey.

“you guys are Fucking assholes all of you”

Monty said sitting down

“Im sorry babe. I would never cheat on you, I love you too much!” you sad sitting on his lap wrapping your arms around his neck kissing him on the cheek.

“I love you too Y/N”

“it took so much to convincing her to do it. She kept saying you'd hate her and kill someone!” Hannah added

“I was ready to kill someone! Anyone lays a finger on her they'll die!” monty said seriously.

“remind me never to piss you off” Jessica added.

“you're all still asses” monty pointed out.

“but your favorite asses” Jessica smiled!

“oh Monty I love you” you said kissing him

He kissed you back and said “I love you too baby! Just no more stupid dares”

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scullyeffect · 5 years

Note

i was & still am a lot like you when it comes to hangups about dating and i've realized that i am a lesbian. i still read your posts and we used to talk when i had a tumblr because we both have seizures. i had tried going out with a guy and was hoping to get sex "over with" but then couldn't go through with it. my porn tastes are weird and the only guy i can think about in that way is Fox Mulder/DD. i still haven't done anything with anyone else besides a couple of kisses but i do want a gf.

anyway i was just curious if you have pondered whether or not you might be gay?

yay twitch squad! i don’t really want to get sex “over with” but like...every time i go on a date and it like goes well??? the second he starts to message me afterward i fucking ghost. like i talked to this one guy for two weeks before we went out (usually i’d match with someone on tinder and go out with them a few days later or smth), and when we went out he was SUPER nice and a WRITER and we talked at length about writing (which i never get to do irl so it was WONDERFUL) and we saw a movie and he was so nice!!! but i literally was too spooked out by the idea of going on a second date that i just ghosted the poor guy. he was wonderful. i’m an asshole. i’d like to have sex and i’m not necessarily ‘waiting for the right person’ but like, first step is i have to probably keep going out with someone, and i always ghost.

ok short answer to your question: yes i have pondered whether or not i might be gay

conclusion: i have no idea

i know ppl are like ~u just know ur sexuality inside urself~ but i need like...i need someone, girl or guy, to just kiss me or something so i can maybe get a feel for ONE side of the spectrum. i’m not satisfied by ~feeling~ a certain orientation. i want proof and i know that isn’t a popular or very attainable thing but sorry i want it.

my parents definitely think i’m gay and have asked me repeatedly because even as a kid i would get obsessed with authors or actresses and devour everything i could get my hands on. also because the second my sister turned 18 (literally her birthday) she slept with a guy she’d been lusting over who was 27 and married and wouldn’t have sex with her until she was 18 (FUCKED UP AND I VOICED MY DISAPPROVAL BUT DO PPL LISTEN NO), and my sister has had continual boyfriends ever since. but i went to a very small mostly-girls high school in a very small town. nobody dated. i didn’t even consider it, and then i didn’t go to college so i didn’t get the big eye opening “real world” experience / environment where there would be more dateable material. instead i moved abroad and isolated myself, then moved back home and isolated myself.

i think a big part of a “fear” i have toward putting myself out there or dating guys is all this man hating everywhere. like yes. men are pigs. but what if i want to date one. what if i want a guy to ask me out. it puts thoughts in my head like “im a bad feminist because i think (blank) is cute and i want him to think i’m cute and i want us to go on a date and i want him to kiss me” which is so FUCKED. i shouldn’t feel bad for wanting to love someone/them to love me and it jUST HAPPEn to be a guy!!!

also i didn’t have a dad growing up and when my mom remarried when i was 14 i hated it and so i sometimes associate men with unwelcome change etc. i did have crushes, though, which encourages the idea that i could be heterosexual. i worked in a kitchen when i was 16 and was the only girl among 6 men, and the chef loved it because he said they were so much better behaved with a girl (even a teenager) in the kitchen. they were all super nice and very encouraging and never inappropriate and there was this south african guy named Liam who was probably 25 and i ADORED him and he called me ‘chick’. god. miss that dude.

for a time i thought i was bi, but i couldn’t decide if i just liked women as in “they’re easier for me to talk to, most of my friends are girls, i feel safer with girls, girls are pretty” or if i was attracted to them sexually. i feel like there are often girls in my life who i think “god i just am so attracted to her” as in “i want to BE her! i wish i was that cool! that mysterious! that well read! that pretty! had that life!” but i’ve never really thought “god i’m in love with her” this is all very complicated i’m sorry

yeah fox mulder is my self love mind candy. but i’d also like to be swept off my feet by matthew goode and live in domestic bliss with john krasinski. every man looks the same to me, but i do know that i like a little shadow of facial hair maybe.

also i watch too many serial killer documentaries. a man is like “can i help you carry your suitcase?” in the metro and my primary thought is “EXIT STRATEGY” before i realize i’m lugging 50kg of luggage and yes, i would like some help monsieur

honestly anon, let’s make out and see what happens because i am 100% open to trying things out and i have a healthy mix of hetero dreams and the occasional gay dream and this is equally confusing to me.

i also hate that i’m even on dating apps. it makes me so sad. but mostly because i ghost on people. i also find the idea of someone finding ME attractive very bizarre and unfathomable. i’m funny and witty, i know this, but physically i just don’t see what could possibly be the draw for either sex. i ponder this a lot. i genuinely want to know if i’m physically attractive or if my personality is the attraction and the appearance just comes with the package. because dating apps are so based on appearance.

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unknowngirl199424-blog · 5 years

Text

Pt. 3

Now being the pretty innocent girl i was. I smoked weed very occasionally. Drank every now and then. But that was it really. I smoked cigs. Stupid choice i made at an even more stupid young age. I was 13 when i tried it. 15 when i started smoking every day. (My parents knew, they didn't care) my younger sister had been smoking for years. She partied a lot. Drank a lot. Smoked a lot. Took a lot of pills. Would steal my moms pain pills that she needed from the back surgeries. Mom would run out at the end of the month and would bawl... Literally wail in pain. And it never stopped my sister. I caught her several times. Id get pissed. Ask her wtf she was doing, or why... But she never stopped. I never told... I was drowning in depression. It started when i was 13. After my grandma passed. I changed... She was my world.

My parents partied ALOT!

Used LOTS of drugs...

Ranging from just weed, to coke, to meth...

The first half of my life... From birth till... 14? I think was when they quit all the hard shit for good. They were just... Mom and dad. I mean i loved them, i respected them, but... I didn't have anything to compare it to. It was normal for me to walk in and see light bulbs just randomly on the coffee table.

It was normal for me to wake my sis up in the morning, helping her get dressed, teeth brushed, food in her belly and out the door waiting on the bus. Every day. We lived in the country about 20 miles from town where our friends were. So all we had was each other. In the summer as soon as the sun started to show, 7:00ish. My parents would rush into our room. One would wake up me while the other would wake my sister. Rush us up and to get dressed and outside. We'd be outside alllllllllll day long in the summer in Oklahoma heat. They'd have friends over and lock the doors. We played. Sometimes the friends would bring their kids and we'd run around and play all day. I was a tom boy. I had scarred bloody knees almost daily from wrecking my bike. Would just walk around the property we lived on. Played with our dogs. Pissed off snakes that liked to live in the barn or chicken coop. I ran a lot. BUT IT WAS NORMAL TO ME. They started to quit when i was 12. Then grandma passed. They started again. Didn't stop for good until mom was hurt and dad was fired for pissing dirty for weed, coke, and meth. He was rehired 6 months later. But shit was rough at the time. So after losing my grandma. I went into myself. She loved me, took care of me. Gave me what i wanted and needed. I basically broke. I was never really an over joyous kid. I was raped and molested by my cousin. And so i always carried pain. But grandma was who made me happy. She passed. And from that point in my life from 13 to 18. I cut a lot. I was emotionless most days. But some days I'd break and cry for hours. For the longest time i thought i was depressed because of grandma. But i realized... Depression is a disease. And once you get a good dose of it, it stays. It twists and folds and wiggles its way into every fibre of your being and clings. And bad things that go on add to it and over time, you are eye level deep terrified you're gonna go under soon and no one will notice. Well over the years shit was added. Once I realised i could.... Not feel the pain and sadness... I latched on. Over time the occasional smoking weed went to every day several times a day. Drinking came up for awhile but i hated feeling like shit the next day so i quit. My ex gave me a pain pill one day.

I realised that not only could i get away from the pain and depression, i could feel fucking amazing while doing so. So it started out ya know. Once a week. Just one. To 2 a week to 4 a week to at least 1 every day. When we went up north. Pills were every where. Drugs in general. And i wanted to experience things. We had fun. Went lots of places. Did lots of things. Parties, festivals, fairs, amusement parks, museums, art museums, craft fairs, art stores, book stores, malls, movie theaters.. Just... it was great. I met her friends. They were like her. We partied a lot. I was soley living in the moment for once instead of striving to please everyone else. It was a stupid choice. But it was my choice. Over the years. The fun with it stopped... it became a nessecity. She got shitty and mean sober and i was just as miserable. I wanted happiness not that. Her dad would give us pain pills every day and muscle relaxers. If we did literally anything for him he'd pay us in pills. My ex was also prescribed pain pills too! We'd go through them so quick and then he'd give them to us so we didn't go through withdrawal. By year 3 (2015) I'm 21. I'm working a few months here a few months there. Living the same daily cycle. My day didn't start until pills were thrown down my throat. The habit got bad. I was to a point i was taking fucking handfulls of pills. Daily. And didn't feel ok until then. The few days i didn't have them, i literally slept all day and all night. I was burying my issues with a dark coping mechanism.

I started falling out of love. I left her once last year and we got back together the next day. I told her she couldn't keep stopping me from leaving because it was making me hate her. She wouldnt let go. We stayed together for 4 months. I broke up with her and moved back to oklahoma the beginning of this year. But she was my comfort. Pills were my comfort. After being here for 4 months i let her come back. It was bad. I got back into pills again and one day i told her i didn't want to be with her anyone. She was here for a month at that point. But she wasn't trying to work. She wouldn't do anything. But look for pills. I told her i was done. She gave me some pills. I didn't know what they were but she told me they were for anxiety. And i was really upset. So i took them. We kept arguing. She kept giving me more. My parents stopped by to drop something off, i guess i was wayyyyy out of it. They leave. The fight blows up. I tell her i want her gone. She kept refusing. Idk what happened. It was like a light switch went off. I went to the kitchen and grabbed a steak knife and sliced my wrist up for the first time ever... I only cut my stomach and thighs as a teen. She came around the corner and saw what i was doing and broke a glass vase i had. She ran over and grabbed the blade. Started yanking it from me. I guess we fought over it pretty hard cuz all i remember was it flying across the room and when i got back 6 days later it was soooo bent up.

She kept going and going and i grabbed a piece of glass and cut, she got it away and i just collapsed to the floor. She tried hugging me. I screamed at her for being toxic for me. To not touch me. To just call my mom. My mom shows up. Its like 11:30 at night at this point and she freaks out. My ex starts shit with her. They argue. I scream at them that they needed to stop and mom took me to the er. I guess by that point i was in and out of consciousness. One thing i do remember was seeing an old teacher that i had from yearrrrs ago when i went to a vocational school to become a certified nurse aid. I really looked up to her at 17. Admired her. She was a Dr there in the er. It was humialting. I cried. I guess i pissed in a cup for em or something. I don't remember. But they told my mom (which i didn't find out till almost a week later) that i was overdosing. That all of what i took hadn't caught up and that's why i was talking really crazy and blacking out. I don't remember. But the next morning i wake up. There was a cop sitting next to my bed. 20 mins later im being handcuffed and put in a cruiser and drove over a hr to a phych place. Guess the dr asked me the night before what would happen if i went home and i said i didn't know. So they legally put me there for 5 days so i couldn't be any harm to myself.

5 good things about being put there.

1. I had no access to pills, alcohol, even cigarettes. So i was very very clear headed. The first time in almost 6 years. Had time to think about where tf my life has landed me.

2. I realized how fucking truly bad our relationship was. And came to the conclusion that if we stayed together. One, if not both of us was gonna end up in a casket. Whether it be from pills or not. It was gonna happen.

3. I realized that i deserved wayyyy better. Relationship wise. Life wise. I deserved someone who could push me in the healthy direction. Make positive choices. I felt like instead of maturing, i was still trapped in an 18 yr olds mentality.

4. I ended it. And that time i meant it. There's nothing she could offer me. That would make me go back. Not a million dollars, not a billion, not even all the stars in the sky. I have nothing for her.

5. I met someone who treats me amazing now. Who pushes me. Keeps me away from the shit. I've been pain pill free for 5 months and its staying that way.

And for once... I'm starting to actually feel happy. Genuinely. I was prescribed anti depressants, anti anxiety, and a sleep disorder med. I stopped taking the anti depressants because they made it worse. But im to the point where the good days finally out weigh the bad. And when the bad come, i roll with it.

For the new year. I have a few goals.

1. Continue all the hard work ive put into myself. Keep eating healthy. Keep exercising. Keep pushing myself forward. No more settling for less what what i truly want.

2. Stay tf away from pain pills. 👍 keep fighting that demon in me who whispers how good I would feel or how one wouldn't hurt...

3. Quit smoking cigs. They're killing me. My lungs hurt all the time.

4. Continue bettering my life. I got away from her for 4 months and i had my own home, vehicle, and a high paying easy job. Brought her back for a month, had a suicidal moment. But she's gone and im in a great relationship. And I'm fucking HAPPY!

5. Quit being so fucking hard on myself. I hate the way i look, i hate my body. But they can be changed. Stress over things that need it but relax more. I'm 24. I still have time.

I STILL HAVE FUCKIN TIME

#mine #personal #journal #diary #dear diary #my diary #my words #my escape #my post #getting better #one step at a time

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