sincerelygal-blog
Dear Honey,
My name? Gal. My story? These Letters. Are they true? You decide
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Sunday, 2017, June 25, 1:14am
Dear Honey, I'm home. We fought. I lashed out, cause I didn't cry enough this morning or last night. I'm scared. I think we might be breaking up soon. How do I know? He started cursing at me while we fought. He never curses. I'm an idiot. I thinks he's fed up with me. I think he hates me. I think he's done. I think I wanna cry? I'm crying. He's slamming things. I'm in bed to see if he's coming too. Still waiting. I fucked up didn't I? I'm an idiot. I fucking hate my fucking life! What's the worst part? I made these choices for my self. My heart is heavy, my hands are tight. I need help. I need to go away. I need to leave. I'm still waiting. Sincerely, GAL
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Saturday, June 24,2017, 8:26am
Dear Honey, I just got ambushed with a lectured while me and my uncle were getting high last night. Now there's a reason why I smoke a lot of pot. I'll get into that later. Now here's why I'm writing. When I told him I have anxiety and depression.... he asked me why? And didn't know the answer. Then he said I'm using pot as my escape and I shouldn't do that. It triggered me. Triggered me hard. I never felt so defeated about my self. Nothing works. Pills, therapy, activities. Nothing works. But smoking pot. The last time I wrote here was the last time I had a break down. And that was a while ago. Now I don't know what to do. I couldn't cry in front of them. So I sucked it up and just went to bed. They won't understand. There's a reason why I close my self off and be better off alone. No one understands except my boyfriend. When I told my boyfriend, he was trying to calm me down. But I wanted to explode. He told me it was okay to. I just didn't feel comfortable showing my weakness to someone who doesn't understand. But there was one thing that he said that kinda make me feel some type of way. He said "They're the one not watching over you". Watching over me like I'm some crazy person? Watching over me like I'm a child? Watching over me like a pet? Watching over me? I didn't know how I felt about that. I like to be left alone. I like to do things myself. I like to do things my own way. I just never felt so defeated in my life! Sincerely, GAL
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Tuesday, 2017, May 23, 10:12pm
Dear Honey, I'm honestly heart broken cause of the bombing in Manchester finding out you can't even go to a damn fucking concert without praying you won't get killed. The reason why this hit me so hard is that the youngest girl passed away at 8 from the bombing! EIGHT YEARS OLD!! Yeah yeah I know about the rest of the world and children being killed because of bombs but that doesn't mean that doesn't hit me hard! The reason why I'm talking about this is cause I have a sister who is only 5 years old, and I'm TERRIFIED for her to grow up in this cruel cruel fucking world. My sister is the reason why I'm here today and just the thought of someone attacking her or her surroundings just scares me. The fact that she thinks everything is dandelions and Daisy's kinda scares me a little cause she doesn't know anything about this world. Her whole worry is "what princess dress am I going to wear today?" I'm scared. I'm scared something bad is going to happen to all of us. From being deported cause of that damn trump fuck even though we are citizens to making sure no one will shoot or bomb where ever we are. I don't want to have kids because I don't want them to be miserable in this world. All we can do is spread love, make people happy, or do a good deed. Even a small act of kindness will form a ripple affect! Just be kind, lovable and try to make other people smile. Cause that is what we need! Please pray for the world! Sincerely, GAL
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Thursday, 2017, May 11, 5:22pm
Dear Honey, I'm not afraid of one thing a lot of people are afraid of. And no it's not snakes. Surprisingly, it's death. I think about it a lot. I also have unanswered questions too. Like "what happens after I'm gone" "how am I going to die" "when will I die" "will anyone come to my funeral" "will they remember me" "will they still love me" "will they care" and number one question "why didn't they tell me all this when I was still well alive" "how many people will actually care?" One thing I hate about funerals is that, how come you tell them all the good things when they're dead? Why didn't you say all this to them when they're alive? Why didn't you spend enough time with them? Why all of a sudden you care? HOW COME IT HAS TO BE WHEN SOMEONE DIES TILL YOU SHOW YOUR TRUE EMOTIONS? Is it worth it? I just wish I could stop pretending I'm happy. Show them how I really feel. Tell them what really goes on in my head. Tell them how much I think about death. Why am I still here? Cause every time I look at my 5 year old sister I think it's too late. It's too late cause she remembers me. It's too late cause she loves me. It's too late cause I'm the most wonderful person in her eyes. It's one of those days where I just wish I can just disappear and everything will be okay. I'm tired, tired of being so depressed. Tired of being useless. Tired of disappointing. I just can't do this anymore. No I'm not going to die. But I am going to cry till I can't feel my face anymore cause that's all I can do. I need help. I just don't know where to start cause this is ruining my life! I'm tired of pretending. Sincerely, GAL!
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Monday, 2017, May 8, 1:14pm
Dear Honey, I hate the fact I feel so useless, unable to work cause of my anxiety and depression. When I found out I was house ridden, I didn't know if that was a good thing or bad thing. Good thing cause well I get to hide with my emotions and not talk to anyone. Bad cause well I can't help my boyfriend, treat my mom, or spoil my sister. I mean I do to make money but it's so hard when thoughts just roll around my head and telling me "You can't do anything" "they don't want you" "you'll never make it" My boyfriend complains about us being broke a lot. I mean I try to help. I stay home all day babysitting my sister so I can give him all my money to shut him up! Do I feel guilty? Yes. Do I care? Yes. Do I say anything? Fuck no! Why? I don't want to be a burden to him. I tried getting a job. To conquer my anxiety. But once I'm on my way. I start getting nervous like anyone, but it's different. I start feeling like I'm drowning in jell-o. Unable to move, unable to breath. Slowly sinking deeper as I move. Sometimes he knows what to say, sometimes it's like shut up and leave me alone! My constant question I ask my self. "Why am I like this?" "Why" I feel like shit Sincerely, GAL
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Tuesday, 2017, May 2, 1:51
*WARNING: Grab some tissues* Dear Honey, My thoughts today? Ha going fucking crazy. Breakdowns? Not yet. I honestly never felt so useless, so vulnerable, so lost, till this year. My thoughts, my heart, my head, my mood. All want so many different things. My head wants to succeed, my heart isn't ready, my mood is depressed, my life is pure nothingness. I lie about EVERYTHING to keep everyone happy. They don't really care about what really goes on in my love they just wanna hear what they like to hear. Hows work? Great!! (if i had a job) What do you do? Oh i'm a makeup artist now (that's what i wish i was) Oh wow so a lot of gigs? Yeah weddings sweet sixteens any events (i only had 4 and none of them paid me i just played with their face) That's great to hear. I'm so happy you're doing great Yeah me too (if i was doing great) Its things like this that gets me mad. I have to lie to everyone i meet so it seems like I'm ...well… interesting. The crazy part is… People actually believe me. When will it be my turn? My turn to be happy My turn to finally get what I want? My turn to finally feel like I'm actually and will be okay! I'm trying so hard to find something that will make me happy but either I have self doubt, no energy, no money, no well passion. I want to be able to set free from my thoughts. Set free from this burden I have on my self. I feel like I'm suffocating my self from absolute nothing. I'm feel like every thought just bring me a deeper and deeper and deeper to the bottom of the ocean! I feel like no matter how many step forwards I take something always takes me 10x more steps back. I've heard it all. The motivational talk, the lectures, everything! Nothing works for me. I need to fix my self. I just don't know where to start. Here let me give you the background story. I never finished high school. Why? I just hated my high school. The teachers, the students, the programs. You only graduated if you were popular cause well teachers loved them or you were smart! And I wasn't in any of those groups. My mom always told me "high school will be the best years of your life" ... high school was the worst years of my life, not only that but it's the reason why I'm so fucked up in the head. Countless anxiety attacks. Countless crying my self to sleep. But then I joined the dance team. I was a dancer who danced with the guys. Not those fru fru dancers I wish I was cause all the guys loved them! How beautiful they looked while everyone else thought I was a dyke. I met a lot of my friends on the dance team. I even met the guy I lost my virginity too. It was great, till everyday was a competition, everyday was just brutal for me. I had to fake who I was to be liked. Oh did i mention the guy I lost my virginity to... cheated on me with 5 other girls. Oh you thought my life would turn around after I joined the dance team. Oh honey no. It actually got worse. After me and them at douche broke up well that's when all the truth started spilling out. I ended up finding out my whole dance team was just pretending to like me so they can use me. My apartment was what I called the lost kids apartment. Me and my mom took my friends in if they got kicked out or ran away or just went through shit. My mom would pay for their food and stuff. After that happened I stopped going to school. I would cut and just go back home and well be alone. I even thought of running away and moving somewhere else I don't know. After cutting for almost 3 months the school started to notice and since this isn't a movie, the department of end came to my house and said if I didn't go to school they would take me away. In my head I thought oh great I could leave here. In reality I got grounded and my mom forced me to go back to school. So I did. I ended up going back the next week and well I had an anxiety attack three times that day. They even tried to send me home but they couldn't cause of my attendance. So instead they made me stay in the guidance counselor office for the rest of the day. They made me take a sheet around for my teachers to sign to say I was in class. I got my grades up and got the clear of me being a senior. But then something horrible happened. One of my best friends, well I thought was my friend spilled out all the truth about how my dance team hated me, and even my dance coach. He told me all the horrible things they said about me and then he started telling me what he was thinking about me. I had an anxiety attack, I left school, went home, and well like any other teenager, I tried to kill my self. My mom caught me with the rope around my neck. I couldn't breath and she gave me CPR and I all I remember was me being in the hospital. After that I never went back to school. You know what's the crazier part? I only needed to pass two classes and I would've passed! I only need 4 credits. Just 4. Now every time I go near any school, my anxiety kicks in. Sometimes I would even have a breakdown. Schools are my trigger point, if someone mentions or even asks about me in high school my mood switches and it takes me back to being depressed. Thinking about those memories. Breaks my heart. Why don't I get my GED? Even taking a test can trigger me. Being in a school being near a school. Driving past a school. It's like PTSD for a school. I feel so dumb for letting those years get to me. But then I realize it 4 years of torture. Not one good day happened in those 4 years. That's why it triggers me. And that's why I am the way I am. I'm scared to get my education because a group of people you were close to ruined my life! I'm scared to even talk about it! You're probably wondering why i can talk about it right now? I've been sobbing this whole time and it's been 2 our since I wrote my time. 3:42 and I'm shaking. Well this was my back story. I'm gunna go get high and eat away my anxiety! Thanks for listening. Sincerely, Gal
#highschool#dance#drama#suicide#ptsd#depression#letter#anonymous#mysterious#life#love#friendship#backstabber
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Monday, 2017, May 1st. 10:30am
Dear Honey,
Miss me? Its Monday, Every one dreads Mondays. You know who doesn't? Rich people. Oh don’t we all wish we were rich, or win the lotto, or even just have enough money to pay bills AND treat yourself.
We ALL have that dream! That dream that will change our lives forever. That dream we always wanted and always STARTED but never finished. The dream that will make you happy and make you money. What was yours?
Mine? To be a model. HA Funny right? Want to hear something even funnier? started when i was 16. Did i get famous? Well i wouldn't be here writing to you now would i?
It all started when i was 2. My godmothers friend knew a guy, who knew a guy, who knew a guy etc. Who was shooting for a commercial and i auditioned. They loved me next thing i know, i was on TV.
I always loved being in front of a camera or being center of attention. So when I got older I started to book stuff with local photographers. Shit started booming from there. Ended up special guesting a few places and getting noticed. Even at school people were talking about how i was becoming a well known model.
What happened you asked? I wish I had the answer to that. What I think happened? My lazy ass stopped booking gigs and thought they'd come to me.
Sad ain't it. I had potential and my lazy ass didn't do jack shit. Did i wish i continued? Oh fuck yeah but this time ill just get a manager to do it all cause my fucking dumbass would fuck it all up.
See we all had that dream we all started and very well committed to but it didn’t make enough money so you had to find a job, Then that job took over your life. Then that made you lose time for why you need the money in the first place. Then you slowly see your dream slip right through your fingers.
You may be good at what you do, but it doesn't make you LOVE what you do. Your job right now could be something you'd NEVER wanted to do, but you ended up being great at it and it paid the bills.
If you’re a person who got to follow your dream “ GREAT FOR YOU” but dont bash people who weren’t able to. Don’t knock people down because they “didn’t have enough motivation.” OR say “You weren’t committed to what you ‘love’ so you don’t really ‘love’ it”. There’s people out there who are lazy (like me) and then there’s people who had an obstacle that they couldn’t bounce back to what they wanted to do.
What im saying is, instead of gloating about your dream and telling people how you’re blessed and shit. Actually help the people around you. Use your success and help your friend and/or family to reach their goal. Sometimes bragging about other people can help their success and help you also.
You shouldn’t be greedy to the people close to you. NOW be careful with this, don’t be greedy but don’t be dumb. If a friend is only USING you for your success... FUCK THEM. Only help people who you want to help and who deserve It.
Complicated I know. But You’ll learn.
I actually lost track on what I was going to write, But I hope i was entertaining. Now don’t worry thing will be different next post. Ill get stoned for you next time!!
Sincerely,
GAL
#hipster#happy#success#letter#vintage#girl#stoner#secret#anonymous#mysterious#grunge#baddie#model#who#woman#male#boy
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Friday, 2017, April 28, 3:53
Dear Honey,
You're probably wondering who the fuck is Honey? Well it's whoever is reading. Since we got that out of the way, Hey my name is Gal, No that's not my real name. Will I ever tell you my real name? Probably not, so don't ask. These are letters I'm writing to you. Whoever you are. These stories may or may not be true, but that's for you to decide. Im the same person as you, behind a computer screen trying to escape this cruel world. Instead of getting therapy, I guess blogging about it.
I'm probably going to be stoned most the time I'll be writing. I might even be crying in my bathroom. Or up at 4 in the morning outside waiting for the sun to come up. All I know is I'll still be here.
Why am I keeping it anonymous? Cause i want to start of on a clean slate. Some of my readers might know me and well I won't hear the end of it. Also, probably the things I might tell you will make it very awkward at the next gathering we have. So let's just keep it this way. And plus it's more fun.
I would tell you a little bit of my self, but you'll learn more as the days go by. Now I must warn you, it might get pretty deep. So if you see me post, Grab some weed, a snack, and maybe some tissues. Cause this might be a fun ride or it might just combust. Only time will tell.
Well I gotta go. I'll talk to you guys later.
Sincerely, GAL
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