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sillysistersusi · 21 days

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And even though you're scared, You're stronger than you know

Fandom: The Silmarillion

Maeglin & Turgon

Summary: After drinking to much at a party, Maeglin tells Turgon that he feels like no one loves him.

Warnings: alcohol, vomiting, crying

This is Part 1 of 2, no idea when Part 2 is going to be out.

A/N: Title is from "Something Wild" by Lindsey Stirling.

Turgon already regretted persuading Maeglin to come along to one of the parties organised by the other Lords of Gondolin. But what else could he do? His nephew was causing him serious concern. He was completely isolated from the others and had difficulty making friends.

But he wasn't surprised, after all Maeglin was a stranger in a city where everyone seemed to know everyone else, and after what had happened to Aredhel and what Eöl had said before Turgon threw him into the depths, Maeglin naturally found it even harder to make friends.

And that was why Turgon had persuaded him to go.

That the evening would end with Glorfindel telling a funny story in which Aredhel was mentioned in passing, whereupon Maeglin began to cry, for he was very VERY drunk, and threw up all over himself, wasn't something Turgon could have predicted.

Glorfindel had tried to calm him down, but in the end Turgon had decided to take Maeglin, who could barely walk straight anymore, to his room before he attracted the attention of the others and they had one more reason to find him strange. Turgon was just glad that it had been Glorfindel with whom it had happened, because he knew that Glorfindel would only tell others as soon as he knew whether it was really okay for Maeglin. For as much as Turgon appreciated some of the other lords, he knew they probably wouldn't keep their mouths shut.

One of Maeglin's arms hung over Turgon's shoulder, the other just hung there at his side. Maeglin was still crying and his face was an absolute mess of tears, snot and vomit. Turgon knew this was his fault. He should have paid more attention to what Glorfindel, who had immediately started a conversation with Maeglin, was giving him to drink in the first place. He knew, of course, that Glorfindel had only meant well, but that didn't change the fact that Maeglin would certainly be feeling really bad the next day.

"It is all right," Turgons whispered gently, who had never seen his nephew so upset. Maeglin usually hid his feelings very well. The only time he had ever seen him cry was at Aredhel's funeral.

"I miss Nana." Maeglin whispered and sniffled, sounding like a much younger child and not like an elf who was almost grown up.

Turgon sighed heavily. "Me too, my boy, me too."

They had finally arrived at Maeglin's room and Turgon somehow managed to hold Maeglin, push the door handle down with his foot and push the door open. Too bad Idril hadn't seen that, she would have found it amusing.

Turgon helped Maeglin over to his bed and carefully sat him down on the edge. And even though Maeglin should probably take a bath, Turgon was slightly afraid that he might accidentally drown himself in this state if Turgon wasn't looking closely, so he decided not to risk it.

So he took a wet cloth and gently wiped Maeglin's face with it.

"I- I miss- " Maeglin sniffled, and Turgon was actually impressed by how clear his words still sounded, even though he had drunk so much. "I miss Ada too," Maeglin sobbed, and Turgon's hand stopped in mid-motion. "I know I shouldn't miss him, but- " Maeglin's voice died.

Turgon took a deep breath, which he immediately regretted as the acrid smell of vomit rose to his nose, then he continued to clean Maeglin's face.

It reminded him of how young he still was. Turgon had already seen how much it had affected Idril to grow up almost completely without Elenwë, but he didn't want to imagine how bad it was to be in a strange place without any parents at all.

He had never realised that Maeglin missed Eöl too, otherwise he would surely have tried to talk to him about it somehow. To show Maeglin that he was safe with him and could tell him anything.

"He was your father," Turgon said, hoping that Maeglin could understand him. "Of course you miss him, that is quite normal."

Apparently he could still understand him, because he said, "But he was evil."

Turgon's blood froze a little at these words. For sure, Eöl had killed Aredhel and that had indeed been 'evil', but he couldn't shake the feeling that Maeglin wasn't referring to his mother's death.

"I think I just miss having someone." Maeglin continued to murmur, his eyes now half closed. "I miss- miss the idea- " he hiccupped. "The idea of what I- what I wish my father could have been."

Turgon put the now dirty cloth aside and briefly stroked Maeglin's hair gently. That had always helped whenever Elenwë and Idril were sad.

He stood up and walked over to the wardrobe and took out some of Maeglin's sleeping clothes.

"Itarillë is really lucky that you are her father," he whispered weakly.

Turgon came back to him, put the sleeping clothes on the bed next to Maeglin and started to carefully help him out of his top, which was still full of vomit. "Why? Because that makes her the direct princess of Gondolin?"

Maeglin shook his head, but apparently a little too vigorously than he should have, because he squinted his eyes briefly in pain before saying, "She is lucky because you love her. Nana was the only one who loved me." Tears welled up in his eyes again. "And I- I- ot is my fault that she- that she is no longer here!"

Turgon hung the dirty top over a chair in the corner and set about dressing Maeglin in his sleeping top. When he had finished, he pulled him to his feet and changed his trousers. Then he carefully pulled his shoes off his feet.

It had been important for him to make sure Maeglin was comfortable before he took any further steps.

He carefully put an arm around Maeglin and pulled him slightly towards him. "It is not your fault. Her love protected you, she did it willingly."

Maeglin let his head fall weakly against Turgon's shoulder.

"And I love you too, Lómion." Turgon whispered softly and began stroking his back in a circular motion.

The next time he looked at Maeglin, his eyes were closed. Turgon smiled gently. This evening had clearly been too much for his young nephew.

He carefully laid Maeglin down and placed the heavy duvet over him. He pulled it in tight all over so that Maeglin wouldn't kick it off in his sleep and get cold.

Just as Turgon was about to leave, immediately after giving the top full of vomit to a servant to get it cleaned, Maeglin groaned and whispered barely audibly: "I wish you could love me as if you really were my father."

Turgon's hand remained on the door handle for a few moments as he watched Maeglin weep softly and toss and turn in discomfort. Then he sighed, took the chair and pulled it towards Maeglin's bed.

Maeglin's eyes were tightly closed and a few tears were running down his cheeks. Carefully, Turgon reached out and began stroking Maeglin's hair again. He didn't really expect a reaction, so he was surprised when Maeglin relaxed almost immediately and leaned into Turgon's hand.

Turgon leant forward and kissed him gently on the temple. "Do not worry, I will stay here and watch over you, just like your mother cannot anymore and your father never did."

#turgon #maeglin #turgon and maeglin #maeglin lomion #turukano #nolofinweans #the silmarillion #silm fanfiction #gondolin #cross posted on ao3 #fanfic

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sillysistersusi · 21 days

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Yes. Absolutely!

I was thinking about how, in fanfictions and in the fandom in general, Elrond is often depicted as a pure Noldorin lord, if not a die hard Fëanorian. And while I do enjoy Fëanorian!Elrond, the more I think about it the more I am convinced Elrond is not the fëanorian one of the twins. Elros is. Elros who adopted seven eight pointed stars as the heraldic device of his whole dynasty, a symbol still used 6000 years after his death. Elros who had Quenya be the official language of Númenor. Elros who decided to leave Arda for an unknown fate after his death; not Everlasting Darkness but not the rebirth in the bliss of Valinor either. He choose to go to a place Elves aren’t supposed to go, just like Fëanor and his sons went back to Beleriand. Elros, the mortal man, who decided to forge his own path in the world.

And I am not saying Elrond didn’t, because Eru knows how much strength, patience and stubbornness Elrond must have to become who he is in LotR. But when I first re-read LotR after reading the Silm, he did not strike me as Fëanorian at all (except for the no oath swearing rule that seems to apply in Rvendell). In fact, Elrond, and all three of his children, are defined by being half-Elven. Elrond is so much at the same time they had to creat a whole new category for him. He is described as kind as summer in The Hobbit, but also old and wise, and his friendly banter with Bilbo in FotR show he is also merry and full of humour. Elrond is both Elf and Man despite his immortality, and this is made quite clear in the text.

But. If I had to link him to an Elven clan, I’d say Elrond is more Sinda than Noldor, and even that is up to debate. Rivendell, this enchanting valley hidden from evil thanks to his power, is like a kinder version of Doriath. Yet, the name of Last Homely House and Elrond’s boundless hospitality make me think of Sirion: Rivendell is a place where lost souls can find s home, where multiple cultures live along each other in friendship and peace.

In FotR, Elrond introduces himself as the son of Eärendil and Elwing, claiming both his lineages instead of giving only his father’s name as is tradition amongst the Elves. It may be a political move, or it may be a genuine wish to claim his duality, his otherness, or even both at the same time. But from what is shown of Elrond in LotR, he seems to lean heavily in the symbols and heritage from the Sindar side of his family, rather than the Noldor one. I already gave the comparison with Doriath, but it seems history repeats itself as Arwen, said to be Lúthien reborn, chooses a mortal life. Yet Elrond doesn’t make the same mistake as Thingol by locking his daughter in a tower and sending her suitor to a deathly quest. Yes, he asks Aragorn to first reclaim the throne of Gondor before marrying Arwen, but this isn’t a whim on his part or an impossible challenge. Aragorn becoming king means that Middle-Earth is free from the shadow if Sauron and Arwen will live in peace and happiness. Which sounds like a reasonable wish for a parent to me.

Anyways, I went on a tangent, what strikes me with Elrond is his multiple identity. Elrond certainly has habits or traits coming from his upbringing amongst the Fëanorians, and he loved Maglor despite everything. The fact he is a skilled Minstrel shows he did learn and cultivate skills taught by a Fëanorion, that he is not rejecting them. There is a passage at the end of RotK, in the Grey Havens chapter, where Elrond is described carrying a silver harp. Is this a last relic from Maglor? Possible.

But while Elros choose the path of mortality and showed clear Noldorin influences in the kingdom he built, Elrond is happy in his undefined zone he lives in. He is an Elf, he is a Man, he is Sinda and Noldo and heir to half a dozen lost cultures and two crowns. He is the warrior and the healer, the only one of his kind in Middle-Earth. And that is why I will never tire of this character and I love so much fanworks depicting him as nuanced and multiple yet always recognisable as Elrond.

#elros #elrond and elros

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sillysistersusi · 22 days

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When you have to carry your little brother home from the festivities because he's a lightweight who can't handle his liquor. (To be followed by "When you have to share your horse with your brother because he lost his to some scruffy human", many years later.)

Just some belated Celegorm and Curufin shenanigans that I intended to post for @feanorianweek but then it got out of hand and I also had to work on some non-Silm stuff and now I can't move my arm anymore

#love this #so adorable #great art #celegorm and curufin #feanorianweek #silmarillion

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sillysistersusi · 22 days

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This is so adorable!!!!!!!!

Finrod was not feeling well.

Everything felt too bright and too dull at the same time. He managed only to drag himself to the window and close the curtains, and then to drop back into his bed; covered himself in all the blankets he could gather and still felt awfully cold and dizzy.

Outside was raining, and the weather made his bones ache with pains of past life, and the scars on his chest and hands began to itch. It all made Finrod want to become very small and very little and to be far, far away from everything.

He shut his eyes. There were things he needed to do today, he knew; visitors he had to take in, old acquintances from Nargothrond who he agreed to meet with today. But he was feeling awful, and the thought of getting up and facing other people made him almost want to sob.

He felt very immature, and very foolish. But his body was weary, and refused to get up. It was as if he was chained all over again; familiar hopelessness settled into his chest, and he shuddered.

The clock on the wall said it was just the time for breakfast.

His house was a quiet one, in the more secluded part of Tirion, and he lived alone. His parents' palace was always open for him; but it could grow busy, and he loved to have a place to himself. Now he regretted the decision to spend the week here. He wasn't feeling well from yesterday; he was caught in the rain returning from the market, and spent the evening shivering, but he did not think the sickness would get to him in the night.

He was only bitter it happenned now, when he did not even have a messanger to inform the people he invited he was in no state to see them today. He thought of reaching out to Finarfin, or Eärwen; but his mind was too weary, and his thoughts too tangled.

The last thing he remembered was his eyelids growing more and more heavy, and his skin getting more and more hot; until his eyes finally shut closed, and he gave in to the uneasy sleep that found him.

***

He woke up slowly to the sound of someone's voice calling him.

"Good," it crooned, and it was soft and soothing and familiar. "There you are."

The rain was still falling outside. Finrod opened his eyes; saw Finarfin looking right back at him, brushing his hand at Finrod's forehead.

Finrod clasped his father's hand, feeling weak and very tired, and pressed it to his face.

"Atya," he mumbled. Finarfin sat by his side; put his head into his lap. Finrod sunk into his presence; noted dully the clatter of kitchenware coming from downstairs.

"Hush," Finarfin said, and lifted Finrod's head ever so slightly, pressing a glass with something warm to Finrod's lips and coaxing him to drink. It was warm soup, Finrod registered; and felt some warmth return into his bones. "I was right to worry about you today. I'm glad your mother and I decided to take a longer route on our way from the palace and check on you."

"What hour is it?" Finrod mumbled, and tried to sit up—but Finarfin held him down softly, and Finrod had no strength to fight back. "I had—I had a meeting today."

"It is way past lunch," Finarfin said. Then, slipping into Finrod's thoughts, his voice softening: "Your meeting is tomorrow, jewel. You need not worry; I will make sure it is moved a day or two if you do not feel better, yonya."

"Oh," Finrod said, and felt the tips of his ears grow red with embarassment. "Oh. Alright."

He heard Finarfin's quiet laugh, and closed his eyes. "I wil sleep some more, then," he mumbled. "Thank you."

"Always," Finarfin murmured in response, caressing Finrod's hair. "Sleep well, yonya."

He started humming a quiet melody; it wrapped over Finrod, and ran over the edges of his mind, and soothed the fever just a little bit.

Finrod drifted away, and dreamed of sea, and sea-shells, and crabs hiding between the rocks, and for a moment forgot about the fever and pain, both past and present.

#finarfin #finrod

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sillysistersusi · 26 days

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@feanorianweek #4 Caranthir - dyeing

With cooperation come new handcrafting tecniques, and Caranthir doesn't know which one is his favourite: learning or teaching.

@feanorianweek #4 Caranthir - tinturas

Junto con la cooperación vienen nuevas técnicas manuales, y Caranthir no sabe cual de las dos pociones aprecia mas: si aprender o enseñar.

#love it!#beautiful #caranthir #carnistir #morifinwe #feanorians

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sillysistersusi · 1 month

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Not the Son You Remember, but the Man the World made Me

My fanfic for the @feanorianweek day 1: Maedhros

A/N: I am so sorry that this is late, but I couldn't manage to finish it sooner.

Enjoy!

Characters: Maedhros, Nerdanel & Celebrimbor

"You have changed the most." His Ammë's voice still rang in Maitimo's ears.

She hadn't meant any harm, he knew that, but it still affected him. Because he knew that Nerdanel's greatest wish had been for everything to be good again. That everything would go back to the way it used to be. And even if his brothers had changed a little, they didn't seem to have changed as much as Maitimo did.

He no longer had any scars from his torture, the only injury that remained was his missing hand and that was only because it always reminded him that he was no longer there, but there were still scars. But the kind of scars you couldn't see. The kind that was invisible eceryone and yet noticed by anyone who knew you.

Maitimo knew that he smiled less than he did back then, that he no longer radiated the same lightness and kindness as he did back then.

He was not the son his mother remembered, and that was painful.

Sometimes he felt strange, as if he was seeing the world through someone else's eyes and wasn't really there.

"Uncle Maitimo?"

Tyelpë.

Maitimo had completely forgotten his presence. Telperinquar came around once a week, usually Maitimo tried to help him deal with difficult thoughts related to the torture by Sauron, but today neither of them had felt like talking, so Maitimo had made tea while Tyelpë told him about his trip to the forest with Tyelkormo and Írissë last week.

"You are not well." Tyelpë said and put down his teacup to gently reach for Maitimo's hand. "Normally- normally we talk about my feelings, but maybe this time we should talk about yours?"

Maitimo sighed. "I am fine, Tyelpë. No need to worry."

But Telperinquar was not convinced. After all, he had inherited Curufin's acumen.

"Please, Uncle Maitimo, I would like to help you, but I so not know how. You helped me so much and I would like to give you something in return."

Maitimo sighed. He would have preferred to continue saying that he didn't need any help, but he could understand Tyelpë all too well. After Findékano had rescued him, he had felt the same way. He knew how overwhelming the feeling of wanting to give back help could be. On the other hand, Maitimo now knew how Findékano had felt back then and he could understand now why Findékano had been so reluctant to let Maitimo give him something back. It wasn't Tyelpë's Faust that he needed help to deal with these memories.

"Tyelpë, how is your relationship with Curufinwë?"

"Uncle Maitimo, do not change the subject- "

"I am not, trust me." he said a little more quietly than usual, which made Telperinquar falter.

He shrugged his shoulders. "Atya and I are- well. Not like we used to be, but of course we have changed a lot. But we are still a family, so everything's normal between us I guess. Why?"

Maitimo took his hand out of Tyelpë's to rub his forehead. "I think- Well- I am not who I was, you know?"

"Certainly not, how could you?" Then Tyelpë paused and scrutinised his uncle insistently, furrowing his brow and sticking the tip of his tongue between his lips in contemplation, looking incredibly like Curufin. This almost elicited a smile from Maitimo. "Did someone say that to you? You know our family would do anything for you."

"It is not, ah, Telperinquar," he sighed. "Ammë said I have changed the most."

"Is that really so bad." Tyelpë looked down at his hands and out of the corner of his eye Maitimo could see tears in his eyes. "I mean yes, we were hurt, but in the end you have to grow from things like this, do you not? We cannot let that bring us down."

Maitimo looked at his nephew now. He was really incredibly proud of all the progress he had made.

At first, Tyelpë had barely managed to look him in the eye, let alone utter a sentence that wasn't so stuttered that Maitimo had difficulty understanding its content when they talked about sensitive topics.

But he also had to realise that Telperinquar was right in some way. He shouldn't be ashamed of what had happened to him at the hands of others and should concentrate on healing and being happy again.

"Atya felt the same way, you know?" Tyelpë said quietly. "I do not know if you noticed, but in the Halls of Mandos Tyelkormo and he were always avoiding each other. Uncle Tyelko was ashamed that he let his little brother die when he was right there and should have been protecting him, he felt the same way about Uncle Carnistir. However, Atya thought he would avoid him because he had changed so much. That is why he was very sad until they talked about it and came to the conclusion that they still loved each other the same. I would suggest that you talk to Grandmother about it."

Maitimo smiled gently, but then something caught his eye. "You are calling Curufinwë Atya again."

Tyelpë tucked a few strands of hair behind his ears. "We are making progress I guess."

"I think I will try to talk to Ammë about it. "Maitimo sighed heavily. "Thank you for your open ear Tyelpë."

Telperinquar gently wrapped his arms around him. "We are family after all."

~•~

Maitimo found Nerdanel in the dining room, sitting over a sketch for a new sculpture. For a while, he just stood in the doorway and looked at her. The way her red hair shone in the light of the setting sun and the scratching sound the pen in her hand made in the silence around her.

A lump had formed in his throat and his eyes had stung the whole way here.

He didn't know how to start this conversation. His mother and him had never really had serious conversations.

Then his knees began to shake and he had to support himself with one hand on the doorframe. Nerdanel seemed to have seen this movement out of the corner of her eye, because she turned her head towards him and promptly dropped the pen. "Maitimo?" she asked in horror.

He obviously looked more sad and tired than he had thought. His mother sounded so worried and almost sad that tears escaped his eyes.

"I am sorry, Amya. I never wanted you to be sad because of me."

Nerdanel carefully took his arms and led him to the chair where she had been sitting a few moments ago and helped him to sit down. She carefully knelt down in front of him and stroked his cheek with the palm of her hand. "What are you talking about?" she asked quietly and worriedly. "You are one of the reasons why I am happy. Just as all my children make me happy, you make me happy too, Maitimo."

"Oh- " he took a shaky breath. "Even though we have changed? Even though we are no longer the boys you knew as your children?"

He wiped his eyes with his sleeve, but more and more tears came.

"Oh Maitimo." she whispered and gently stroked her thumbs under his eyes. "My dear, good Maitimo. That's not what I meant. Change does not always mean something bad."

Her voice was trembling now and Maitimo thought he saw tears glistening in her eyes.

"I would be lying if I said I did not miss the old days, but all that matters to me is that you are here again," Nerdanel continued gently. "I still love you just the same, but it hurts to know that you were hurt so much and there was nothing I could do to help you."

Maitimo lowered his head onto his mother's shoulder and sobbed quietly. "It is all right," whispered Nerdanel. "Everything is all right now. I am here now and I will never let anyone hurt you like that again. Never."

And so Maitimo understood. Nerdanel had hated his change, not because he had changed, but because she believed it meant she had let her children down by not coming with them. She hated why he changed not that he changed. Because it was a part of him, and she still seemed to love him.

"You are a wonderful mother, Amya," he whispered and kissed her gently on the cheek.

Nerdanel laughed wetly and buried her face in his red hair. "You are back home, so we can make sure everything is good from now on."

"Yes." Maitimo nodded. He felt much lighter now. "Yes, we can do that."

#feanorianweek #maedhros #celebrimbor #tyelpe #tyelpë #nerdanel #maitimo #feanorians #nelyafinwe #telperinquar #mother-son relationship #healing

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sillysistersusi · 1 month

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Everything is to normal to be real

Fandom: The Silmarillion

Fëanor & Curufin

Summary: Curufin and Fëanor meet again in Valinor, but while one wants to act like nothing ever happend the other desperately wants to talk about everything.

A/N: I know a lot of people think that Curufin would be the first to forgive Fëanor, and while I love that perspective, I do think Curufin took the longest to talk to his father again. I mean, the oath was the reason he 'lost' his son and Curufin was only ever Fëanors shadow and I could imagine that he would be angry at his father for that after realizing some things.

Curufin sighed and threw the sword he had just forged to the ground.

"I cannot do this, Atar." he said quietly, his voice trembling. His hands were also trembling now and he clenched them into fists.

Everything was - normal - and it was driving Curufin mad.

It had only been a fortnight since he had decided to visit his parents. He had avoided his father in the halls of Mados. He knew that his brothers had not done so, but he had not been able to look Fëanor in the eyes again.

On many evenings after he had joined them, Celebrimbor had asked if he wanted to give it a try, to which Curufin had replied each time: "All I need is you Tyelpë."

But that was not true. Certainly, his son was the most important thing in his life, but he had been so fixated on his father all his life that it only hurt him now not to seek him out.

So he had travelled here for two months to visit his parents. Celebrimbor had had to go in that direction anyway, as he had promised his uncle Celegorm, Aredhel and Maeglin that he would visit them in the summer.

Curufin was glad that Celebrimbor was nearby. That meant he could go to him for help or advice at any time.

It had taken Curufin a long time to accept his son's help, but since they had been helping each other heal, they were both feeling much better.

But even though Fëanor had apologised and done everything to make Curufin feel comfortable, Curufin felt empty.

It was all just a shadow of what it had once been. A dead memory that was kept alive even though the flames of its life had long been extinguished.

Fëanor looked up from one of his parchments in the corner where he had jotted something down, put the quill aside and approached Curufin. "What is bothering you, Yonya?"

Curufin stretched out his arms and gestured at his surroundings. "Everything?"

Fëanor frowned. "I do not quite understand, Curvo. I am sorry."

"None of this is real and you know it!" And then he suddenly burst into tears. Curufin hadn't felt the tears and only noticed them as they ran down his cheeks. He didn't want to cry. Especially not in front of his father.

He wiped at his eyes angrily.

"I am really here and so are you," Fëanor said softly, looking a little confused. He had stretched out his hands towards Curufin, but did not touch him.

Curufin sniffled loudly. "That is not what I meant!"

"Then what is it?" Fëanor sounded so unusually calm, Curufin realised. He had been similar when Curufin had been little. Before his mind had been poisoned and he had become someone Curufin couldn't recognise.

"It is to normal! This- this isn't us anymore! All of this- all of this was us once, but- but it is not us anymore, Atar! And I cannot pretend that none of this ever happened." Through a veil of tears, Curufin could see Fëanor's face contort as if he was holding back tears.

"It still hurts, everything that happened, I mean!" Curufin continued to sob, "I- I want to get along with you, but I also want you to know how much it hurt and still hurts to know that what we did- did was wrong. To know- to know that I would have followed you to your death and it would have meant nothing- nothing to you. That we all - that we - that you loved us less than the silmarils!"

"Yonya!" Fëanor exclaimed in horror and, judging by his voice, he had also started to cry. Curufin felt Fëanor put his hands on his cheeks and began to wipe away some of his tears with his thumb. "I have always, ALWAYS, loved you all more than the silmarils! I- " his voice softened. "I was just very bad at showing it and I am ashamed of that Yonya, I really am."

"But I thought you did," Curufin sobbed, his hands finding their way to Fëanor's robes, where they clutched at them as if he was afraid his father would just disappear. "And is that not almost as painful? Because it does feel like it is!"

"It is, Yonya." Fëanor whispered softly, "It is."

"There was a time when- "Curufin swallowed. "There was a time when I was afraid of you, Atar, and- "

Fëanor gently pulled him into his arms and hugged him tightly. Curufin buried his face in Fëanor's shoulder before continuing:" -and I just cannot forget this, no matter how normal everything suddenly seems again. Because neither I nor you are who we once were."

Fëanor gently stroked Curufin's hair as he whispered, "My dear little Curvo, nothing has to be the way it was before, I guess I missed you so much that- that I did this without really realizing it. I am so very sorry, Yonya. I am so sorry for everything."

"I love you Atar." whispered Curufin softly.

"I love you too." Fëanor whispered into Curufin's hair. "Tomorrow we will try a whole new beginning, what do you say? Would that be all right?"

Curufin nodded and hugged his father tighter.

#curufin #feanor #fëanor #curufinwë #silm fic #silmarillion fanfiction #silm fanfic #silm fanfiction #silm #silmarillion #feanorians #sons of fëanor #cross posted on ao3

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sillysistersusi · 1 month

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By Your Side

Fandom: The Silmarillion

Elwing x fem!Eärendil

Summary: Eärendil is thinking about her parents.

A/N: So, one night I woke up for a few hours, wrote this, then fell asleep again, and when I woke up in the morning I had forgotten about its existence for a few hours😅 I don't even know where the idea for this came from, but I kind of like it. I never knew I needed lesbian Eärendil & Elwing until I wrote it. Anyway, hope you enjoy it!🥰

Eärendil had tied her blonde hair into a loose braid and was staring out at the ocean. Her beloved wife Elwing lay on her lap, her eyes fixed on the sky where the first stars of the evening were twinkling.

It was moments like these that Eärendil treasured more than anything else. When everything else seemed to be quiet and nothing existed except their love for each other.

The sand between Eärendil's toes still felt warmed by the sun, as did Elwing's dark hair, which she kept stroking with her hand.

But it was also moments like these when Eärendil thought of things that she usually banished to the back of her mind and preferred not to think about.

"Elwing?" she asked softly, tasting the salty air on her tongue.

"Mmm?" Elwing said and turned so that she could look at Eärendil. "What is troubling you, my love?"

Eärendil sighed. "Do you ever think about what might be, if- if your parents were here?"

Elwing's face became sad. Partly because she missed her own parents, Dior and Nimloth, but also because she knew exactly what her wife was thinking about.

Eärendil often wondered if Idril and Tuor, should they ever return, were proud of what their daughter had become. More than once a month she wondered what it would be like if she could go to them for advice or at least know their reactions to certain decisions.

"Eärendil dearest," Elwing whispered, reaching out to touch her face. "I am sure they would be proud of you. So incredibly proud of their wonderfully strong daughter."

Eärendil didn't know if that was really true, but she nodded because she didn't want to make Elwing sad, and then looked out to the sea again, where her parents were now... probably.

~•~

It was years later in Valinor that Eärendil learnt where her parents were. And even though she longed more than anything to see them again, she was also afraid of what they might say when they saw her.

"I can come with you," Elwing had suggested and planted a gentle kiss on her wife's brow. Eärendil said nothing, but she was immensely grateful that Elwing was there, and when she looked at her, Elwing knew that.

It was then on a cool summer's day that Eärendil asked her wife if it would be all right if they left for her parents home that afternoon.

Eärendil had wanted to see her parents for a while now, but doubts had always held her back. She had always thought she wasn't ready to look at them again after such a long time.

But that afternoon the time had finally come. She finally felt strong enough and ready to see her parents again.

Elwing had held her hand tightly and kissed her cheek reassuringly.

"Then let us go," she had whispered.

The walk to the house that Idril and Tuor lived in was shorter than Eärendil had thought and she silently realised that it was a wonder they hadn't run into them from time to time, considering how nearby they lived.

However, as she raised her fist to knock on the door, she paused. Suddenly she felt the need to flee. Was she really ready to see them again?

Elwing suddenly placed her hand over Eärendil's fist and whispered: "Shall we do it together?"

Eärendil looked at her love Elwing and nodded. "Together." she whispered softly, whereupon they knocked on the door with their hands intertwined.

It was in this moment that Eärendil realised that she could do anything if Elwing was by her side.

#eärendil x elwing #starwing #elwing x eärendil #eärendil #elwing #fanfic #silm fanfic #silm #female Eärendil #lesbians #lesbian tolkien fandom #silmarillion #silmarillion fanfiction #starwing fanfiction #cross posted on ao3

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sillysistersusi · 1 month

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@feanorianweek Day 1 : Maedhros (with Elrond and Elros)

#amazing!!!!!#love it #kidnap fam #elrond #elros #maglor #maedhros

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sillysistersusi · 1 month

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Warmth and Love

Fandom: The Silmarillion

Glorfindel x Erestor

Summary: Erestor's father once told him what it was like to fall in love but Erestor always thought he would never find the one. When he falls in love with Glorfindel, he is unsure if this is right. Shouldn't he fall in love with an elleth? And even if it was right, didn't Glorfindel deserve someone better than him?

A/N: I went with the popular headcanon here that Erestor is Caranthir's son.

Hope you like it!

Erestor's father had always told him that being in love was nice. Caranthir had seemed cold and unpredictable to outsiders, but he had actually been a really gentle father.

He had told Erestor what it felt like to fall in love. That excitement that rose up in you whenever you saw the person you liked. The slight tingling, the will to suddenly pay attention to your appearance so that that someone would look at you. The red cheeks (although, as Erestor noted with a gentle smile, Caranthir's cheeks had always been red), the sudden stutter when you tried to speak.

It had always frightened Erestor. But it had also made him excited. Because even if people thought otherwise of him, he longed to be loved. He sometimes looked at Celebrían and Elrond, who seemed so happy and carefree together. And he wanted that too.

They could always rely on each other, got through everything together and showered each other with affection. And Erestor felt this longing in his heart. He wanted that too. He wanted to be loved and cherished and in return wanted to give all his being to another person. Like the people do in books all the time.

But not like this.

Because all of a sudden he felt all those things Caranthir had told him about so long ago, only these feelings were even stronger than he had ever imagined.

The only problem was the person he had fallen in love with. It was Glorfindel.

However, Glorfindel wasn't the problem at all, no, it was Erestor himself.

Why had he fallen in love with another ellon and not with an elleth? That couldn't be normal. He had never heard of such a thing.

But as much as he wanted to ignore these feelings, he couldn't. Glorfindel and he worked together all the time and Glorfindel liked to put an arm around Erestor, although Erestor always had to restrain himself from simply leaning against Glorfindel.

He hadn't been able to sleep for a few days now and his work was getting worse by the minute.

And slowly he was no longer sure what he was supposed to be doing.

"Erestor? "Elrond eyed him anxiously. He had asked Erestor to talk to him about something, but because of the lack of sleep, Erestor was finding it increasingly difficult to concentrate, no matter how hard he tried.

"Yes, Lord Elrond," he said, trying to stifle a yawn.

Elrond sighed and leant back a little in the chair behind his desk. "I have noticed that you have been... different lately. You do not seem to be sleeping well. Are bad dreams haunting you, my friend? If yes, we can talk about it, I have my own fair share of nightmares."

Erestor could barely bear Elrond's worried look. If only he knew how wrong everything was Erestor felt. If only he knew how abnormal he was. "Everything is alright thank you." Erestor said and his heart tightened. How much he would have liked to confide his worries to someone. But he couldn't.

Elrond rubbed his forehead. "You are almost as stubborn as Maedhros." he muttered before continuing louder. "I know something is wrong. Everyone realised it. Glorfindel spoke to me about it yesterday."

"Glorfindel? "Erestor asked, hating how high his voice was suddenly. He tried to keep the heat out of his face, but it only made his cheeks go even warmer.

Elrond nodded slowly and frowned briefly at the strange look on Erestor's face. "Yes, Glorfindel. He is worried."

"Then please tell him he does not have to, I am fine," Erestor said.

Glorfindel was worried about him? Why did that thought alone give him goose bumps?

Why did it have to be like this? Why Glorfindel? He was everything Erestor could never be. Everything he could never have. Even if one of them was a woman, it wouldn't change the fact that Glorfindel was far too good for Erestor. Erestor had been trying to push the other elf away for days, but Glorfindel still cared about him.

Elrond had now stood up and stepped around his desk. "Are you sure you are all right? You are so pale," he said gently. "Please, my friend, take the day off."

"That is really not necessary, my lord, I can- "

But Elrond obviously didn't accept any protests, because he took the pile of papers Erestor was carrying in his arms from him.

Erestor knew when a fight was lost and he knew Elrond too well to expect him to give in after all.

"I will ask Lindir to complete some of your tasks. I am sure he will be happy to help, as he has also noticed that you are not well." he said and left the pile on his desk before returning to Erestor. He put an arm around him and led him to the door.

Before they reached the door, however, it suddenly swung open and Glorfindel practically stumbled in.

Erestor's heart leapt as he looked at him. The golden hair fell elegantly over Glorfindel's shoulders as always, the corners of his lips were curved into a gentle smile as usual and his cheeks were slightly flushed from running. This last point made Erestor feel quite warm. Had it been this stuffy in Elrond's office?

"I was wondering where you were. I thought we were supposed to meet in the library," Glorfindel said to Erestor, who didn't answer directly but stared at Glorfindel for a moment as if he were speaking another language.

His cheeks were as red as his father's had always been when he said: "I am sorry, I had forgotten- no, not forgotten, but I had- so- "

He normally never stuttered. Elrond also seemed to notice this strange behaviour, for he said, "That was my fault. I had to discuss something quickly with Erestor."

And then he grabbed Erestor's arm and pulled him back into his office. "We need to-" he seemed to think for a moment, "go through a few documents. Why do you not just wait outside for a moment?"

Glorfindel nodded and disappeared.

Erestor looked at the spot where he had just been standing for a few seconds and then turned to Elrond. He frowned at him. "What exactly- "

"You like Glorfindel." Elrond interrupted him. "That is what is going on!"

Erestor swallowed. "We all like Glorfindel, do we not?"

"But you LIKE Glorfindel. I am not blind, Erestor." Elrond said.

But somehow he was still smiling and didn't look like Elrond was disgusted of him, so Erestor plucked up his courage and asked nervously, "You do not think it is qrong or strange? You do not think I should be in love with an elleth?"

Now Elrond looked worried again. "No, not at all. Why do you think I would?"

"Is it not unnatural to feel something like that?" Erestor asked cautiously. "Should I not love a person of the opposite sex, Lord Elrond?"

"No." Elrond replied. His voice sounded so determined and firm that it almost struck Erestor. He could see how sure Elrond was and that he really meant it. Erestor had worked under Elrond long enough now to know when he really meant something, and now he did. "You know who Maedhros is?"

"My uncle, the son of Fëanor, one of your adoptive fathers," said Erestor, who had become a little dizzy. Elrond's face kept blurring before his eyes.

He nodded. "Exactly. "Erestor was unsure what that meant until Elrond said, "Fingon and he loved each other."

Fingon? "You mean Fingolfin's firstborn?" Erestor asked in amazement, his heart beating faster at the idea that there was someone like him.

"Yes." Elrond confirmed. "As far as I know, they never tied their fëa together, but that only out of fear. Fear that it would hurt even more if they lost each other. Maedhros told me they were sure that sooner or later one of them would leave Middle-earth and go to the halls of Mandos. But Maedhros also told me he would marry Fingon, if he also still wanted to, as soon as he saw him again, no matter how long it would take."

"So it is - so it is not," Erestor fell silent.

"Wrong?" Elrond finished the sentence questioningly, to which Erestor nodded. "No, I do not think so. In the end, it is not the hröa but the fëa of a person that you fall for. It has not happened often, but I think there are even rumours that Lalwen, Fëanor's sister, has bound herself to another elleth. So I do not think you need to worry about that, my friend."

Erestor nodded slightly. Just the thought that Elrond thought it was normal seemed to reassure him. And the knowledge that Uncle Maedhros was so much like him, even if Erestor had never met him, made him happy. At least no one in the family would think him mad, if he would ever meet them.

When Elrond had said that two elleths could also bond, a thought that had somehow never occurred to him before, Erestor had almost felt as if he might be normal after all.

The fact that Caranthir had fallen in love with a mortal had also struck some as odd, as had the rumours of Aegnor and Andreth, but in the end they had accepted it with a simple shrug of the shoulders. At least the elves around his father did.

Erestor exhaled slowly. "I think I understand. I am not unnatural."

"Well, some would say that you work unnaturally hard, but no. There is nothing wrong with you." Elrond smiled gently and then walked slowly back towards the door. "I think there is someone we need to convince that you are fine. I also want you to rest anyway, alright?"

Erestor sighed, but nodded.

"Good." Elrond opened the door.

Glorfindel stood on the other side of the corridor and took a closer look at the new blossoms on a nearby tree.

When he heard the door open, he immediately turned his head.

Elrond smiled and said, "You really do not need to worry Glorfindel, there is nothing wrong with Erestor, he just needs some sleep. Your job today is to make sure he gets it. Do not leave his side until he has slept for at least four hours. I would even prefer more hours, but we should start with small steps."

Do.

Not.

Leave.

His.

Side.

Erestor had just heard that right, hadn't he? Glorfindel was not allowed to leave his side. What- ?

Erestor saw Elrond wink at him out of the corner of his eye.

Meanwhile, Glorfindel's face had turned the colour of cranberries and his mouth was caught in a strange combination of a smile and a scowl.

"Yes, Lord Elrond. With pleasure. Well, I mean, it will be my pleasure to watch Erestor sleep- no, to make sure he actually sleeps."

Erestor felt his cheeks grow even warmer. He must be redder by now than the red robes Fëanor had worn in the potraits Caranthir had had of him.

But Glorfindel had probably just said this by accident. After all, he often stumbled over his own words, so Erestor was not surprised by this behaviour.

He was also a little more concerned with taking deep, long breaths to prevent his heart from pounding too hard, because he had the feeling that it was beating so loudly that Elrond and Glorfindel should have been able to hear it.

It took a while for Erestor to realise that Glorfindel was staring at him. His eyes lit up when he met Erestor's eyes and he smiled.

Erestor felt the corners of his mouth turn up to smile back, but he stopped them at the last moment and shook himself.

Only now did he realise that he and Glorfindel were now standing alone in the corridor. Elrond had obviously withdrawn quietly and secretly to his office.

Erestor swallowed.

Glorfindel sighed.

"I- I can go first, unless you want to- "

"No, no, go on," said Erestor and pushed Glorfindel along the corridor. When he was sure that the other elf wasn't looking, he put the cool backs of his hands on his burning cheeks.

They walked side by side in awkward silence for a while and Erestor tried to look everywhere but at Glorfindel.

But when they reached the door to Erestor's rooms, Glorfindel felt it necessary to break the silence. "Why has it become so strange between us Erestor?"

Because I'm strange.

Because I push you away from me so that it hurts less when you hate me.

Because I'm not worth you treating me so gently.

Because I love you and know that I can never have you.

But Erestor said none of this.

Instead he opened the door and stared at the handle for a few seconds before saying. "I have no idea what you are talking about." Then he stepped through the door and tried to pull it shut, but Glorfindel held it.

"Should I just wait outside the door?" he asked.

"What?"

"I am not supposed to leave your side, remember?" Glorfindel said gently, but any smile had left his face. It looked more like he was going to start crying at any moment.

Erestor had indeed completely forgotten Elrond's order. He let go of the door and beckoned Glorfindel in.

"You can read a book while I sleep," he said and didn't look in Glorfindel's direction again as he lay down in bed and pulled the blanket up to his chin, because it was the only way he could suppress the urge to hug Glorfindel.

Not only because Glorfindel had been sad, but also because Erestor simply longed so much for physical contact. For so long he had imagined what it would be like to exchange gentle touches with another person. And now the person from whom Erestor wanted such a touch was in his room, reading a book next to his bed.

And it wasn't just the physical contact but also the neglect of his fëa that made Erestor feel cold all the time. Especially when he should be sleeping. As if he was sinking in the middle of an icy lake and couldn't make it back to the surface where the sun could warm his skin.

He wished he could stretch out his fëa and touch Glorfindel's with it. Maybe then he would be able to sleep. Maybe then he would know what it was like to be loved. But he would never do that without Glorfindel's consent.

"I can hear you thinking," Glorfindel said softly.

Erestor sat up. "Then I could better go back to work, right? If I do not get any sleep anyway."

"No!" Glorfindel had jumped up and pushed Erestor back into his pillow. "You need to sleep."

"Let go of me!" roared Erestor and tried to push Glorfindel away from him, but with little success as Glorfindel lost his balance and fell onto Erestor.

It took him a moment to realise what had just happened.

He felt Glorfindel's chest rise and fall, pressed directly against his. The warmth from his body seeped into him and his scent gave Erestor, whose skin had begun to tingle pleasantly, the feeling of hope.

He had already forgotten all about his frustration.

He hadn't felt this warm since his Atar had cuddled him as a small child. Erestor had never believed that he would ever feel this warm again. So secure, as if he was really safe. As if everything was fine for the first time in a long while.

It was only when Glorfindel said softly, "Erestor?" that he realised he had started to cry.

A few silent tears rolled down his cheeks. There weren't many, but Glorfindel had never seen Erestor cry before, so it must have been quite a shock for him.

"Did I hurt you? I am so sorry!" Glorfindel tried to get up, but Erestor reacted in panic and clutched his fingers in Glorfindel's clothes to pull him close again. "Erestor? Is everything- "

"Don't go." was all Erestor could whimper softly. "Please don't go."

"O- okay." Glorfindel whispered before he could catch himself. He reached out a hand hesitantly and stroked a few tears from Erestor's cheek. "I am not going. I'm staying. Do not worry. I am staying."

And that was all it took for Erestor to fall asleep.

~•~

In his dreams, Erestor had repeatedly relived the moment when Glorfindel's warmth had suddenly enveloped him.

It had been a dream he did not wish to be woken up from for a long time, which is why he kept his eyes closed when he woke up.

It was so wonderfully warm that he could barely register what was happening around him. All he could sense was the warmth and that wonderful smell. He couldn't say exactly what he smelled, but Erestor associated some feelings with it. Safety, warmth, love and excitement.

But there was something even warmer. He could barely feel its presence, but it was there and he thought he could reach it with his mere thoughts.

Something in the back of his mind told him not to try to reach it, but why not?

So he reached for it. For this other, greater warmth.

A startled cry tore him from his half-sleep and it took him a moment to realise where he was.

He sat up and stared at an extremely shocked Glorfindel. "Your fëa- "

And that was when Erestor realised. He had reached out his fëa to Glorfindel's. That had been the warmth he had so desperately wanted to get to.

Erestor turned his gaze away from Glorfindel's very quickly. There was no way he wanted to see the look in Glorfindel's eyes when he realised everything. If he had touched Glorfindel with his fëa, it meant that Glorfindel had been able to sense some of his innermost feelings.

"Erestor- "

"Leave it alone. Go. You do not have to ever- "Erestor's fingers tightened in his duvet and he tried in vain to swallow his rising tears. He had never felt so incredibly naked and bare. He had never wanted to reveal his innermost self to anyone. He had always hoped that there might be someone who would love it, but he had always known that it would never happen. "If you wish, we never have to speak again. If that is what you want, I can go, you do not have to leave because of me- "

"Erestor no." Glorfindel's voice clearly indicated that he was crying, and that threw Erestor so much off track that he turned and looked at him in amazement.

Glorfindel had moved a little closer to him and they were now sitting almost shoulder to shoulder. Through the net of his tears, Erestor could only see his face blurred, but it was clear that Glorfindel was crying.

"You feel so lonely," Glorfindel whispered softly and placed one of his hands, palm up, between them on the duvet. An invitation. "But you have so much love to give."

"Did you feel that I- " But Erestor's voice died away. He simply didn't have enough strength. He longed so much for Glorfindel's warmth and the feeling of no longer being alone.

"Yes." Glorfindel said in a weak voice. "Yes, I felt it. But it might be interesting for you to know, Erestor, that I feel the same way about you. I, too, have long taken you to my heart and wish for your warmth next to me at night when I sleep so that I can dream of better days instead of the cold ones of the past. Of days that I spend with you."

"Why?" Erestor asked, crying softly. "Why do you want me by your side? I am just old and bitter."

"Oh, but Erestor, I am even older than you," whispered Glorfindel and he lifted his other hand to place it gently on Erestor's cheek and stroked him gently over his cheek with his thumb. "And you are not bitter. You are afraid. Afraid that you would never be loved. But you are. I love you so much."

Erestor had the feeling that something had exploded inside him and now he didn't know what to do with all his emotions.

He slowly let himself fall forwards and nestled his forehead against Glorfindel's shoulder. Then he reached for his hand, which was still stretched out between them, and squeezed it tightly. "But what if I do everything wrong? I do not want to lose you."

"Then let us make mistakes together and learn from them." Glrofindel wrapped an arm around Erestor's shoulders and rubbed him gently between the shoulder blades.

"But- but I have no experience with this at all." Erestor whispered softly.

"That is okay. Let us learn together." Glorfindel replied and Erestor's heart beat faster with every word. "Please let me love you, Erestor."

Erestor felt his body tremble, so unaccustomed was he to physical contact and affection. He pulled his legs to his chest and pressed himself tightly against Glorfindel, who practically wrapped his whole body around Erestor.

"All right," Erestor said and closed his eyes, surrounded by nothing but warmth and love.

#glorestor #glorfindel #erestor #glorfindel x erestor #cross posted on ao3 #love confessions #silm fanfic #lotr fanfic #fanfic #lotr #silmarillion #silm #imladris #elrond

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