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of-unsound-mind-heart · 6 years

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A Long Ass Post About Recovery Realizations

I was reading about my thoughts and experiences regarding my eating disorder all the way back to late 2016-early 2017, when I first acknowledged recovery as necessary, and I’ve decided to compile some tips/some of the things I’ve apparently learned throughout all of this. I understand that some people are further along in recovery than I am and that some people aren’t AS far, but I hope this can help at least some people!!!

There’s not going to be some magical epiphany that magically fixes everything. YOU have to very intentionally fix everything. Otherwise this disorder will waste your entire life away and continue to rob more and more and more from you.

Hunger is not a good thing. It hurts. It is directly causing every symptom you might have, anywhere from lightheadedness to brain fog to increased depression/anxiety to whatever else. The fix? More food. And!! It fixes these things relativelyyyyy quickly. It’s not some abstract “oh, I have an eating disorder, so I guess tired is just the way I am.” It’s “oh, I skipped lunch today/lost a lot of weight this week/am not gaining weight, so I’m tired right now, but this would be completely solved if I did these things differently.” Or, in short, hunger=feel like shit and food=feel better. I promise you. It’s that simple.

Recovery is a process, so don’t expect yourself to be able to turn everything around overnight, but at the same time, be careful with making compromises with the ED. Aim to always be pushing yourself, whatever that looks like for you in the moment, and try not to get too complacent.

Behaviors are not a result of willpower. They’re not admirable. Quite the opposite in fact. They’re a cop out for dealing with any of life’s other problems. Taking your eating disorder off its pedestal is so so so vital because it really is the biggest obstacle in the way of you reaching your full potential in anything meaningful, and it makes you a much less productive member of society. Harsh truth is that there’s an aspect of it that’s actually very cowardly. So channel your courage. You are capable of more than this!!!

If you’re not recovering, you’re dying. It’s not “just” skipping meals; it’s not “just” over exercising with too little fuel; it’s the exact behavior of every person now dead due to their eating disorder. You are mortal and this is more real than some impossible worst case scenario you’d only encounter in a documentary. 20% of people with anorexia die without treatment. That’s 1 in 5.

You’re gonna mess up and a full recovery might take a really long time for you. That’s okay. Don’t get discouraged when things get bad; just analyze what went wrong this time and keep the knowledge handy for next time you encounter a similar obstacle. Every single person, in recovery or not, is a work in progress and we only learn through experiences.

Enough is never enough. Your endless pursuit is pointless. Eating disorders are coping mechanisms, so as long as you have things in life you need to cope with, you’ll keep pursuing. What number you’re at right now absolutely does not matter. It’s time to pursue something of substance.

People live perfectly normal, fulfilled lives without these extremes. People can be overweight (anorexia’s idea of worst case scenario right?) and live perfectly decent lives. Which logically means that this fear is for reasons deeper than weight, calories, or appearance. Ask yourself why.

ALWAYS ASK YOURSELF WHY every time you want to give in. What’s going on beyond your eating disorder? What difficult thing might you be covering up with your ED? This questioning will hurt. This will break all those oh-so-convenient illusions. But you can and must outsmart the ED. Analyze the SHIT out of it. Then defy it because you realize it’s the most rational thing to do.

It’s gonna hurt. Weight gain is panic-inducing. Eating is hard. Try and flip it around sometimes. Get angry at the ED for putting you through all this panic and shame and whatever else. Rebel. Show it how useless its constant insults are. It won’t be comfortable, but think of it as “it hurts so good” because it truly is the only thing that will make you stronger. Recovery is kind of like a muscle. Getting stronger hurts at first.

Time isn’t limitless. The more time you spend in an eating disorder, the less time you spend making a difference in the world. The less life you get to live. Years and years will go by like this if you don’t take matters into your own hands, so don’t put too much pressure on yourself, but at the same time, remember you’re fighting for your life. Your finite life.

Nostalgia is real. Every time you begin to miss what you’re moving on from, remind yourself of how bad it also was. You weren’t happy when you were starving. Remind yourself of everything you can accomplish when food doesn’t rule your every action.

Make sure you’re a person outside of this obsession that, yeah, probably has taken over every aspect of your life. Figure out what you’re interested in. What’s important to you. What you want to accomplish. Your skills. Skills you want. Even if you feel entirely overwhelmed by this, don’t let it deter you. Think of figuring yourself out as an interesting project. You are capable of anything you want, and you have so much more to offer the world than weight loss.

You’re not beyond repair. You’re just not.

Figure out how to make food the most positive experience it can be for you. Have things that taste good, have things that make your body feel particularly energized, learn how to cook new things, have fun making your food pretty or colorful, eat with people you love, etc.

Physical discomfort is real, but it’s not an excuse. If you’ve dealt with the discomfort of restricting, you can deal with the discomfort of digestion issues and whatever else. It’s the mental aspect that’s hard. THAT’S the problem you need to deal with. The physical stuff improves after you’re consistent enough for long enough (normally not even that long in all honestly).

If you’re having trouble deciphering whether or not something is disordered (exercise, being vegetarian/vegan, eating that one brand all the time, etc.), experiment. Try not doing it. See if it scares you and for what reasons. See if overcoming the fear results in things going more smoothly for you.

Counting everything down to the crumb just isn’t necessary. Your body isn’t a calculator. You can eyeball food and see it as “Yep. That there is an amount of fuel. Eat that omelette with a side of this and a side of that, and my body sure as heck WILL have some energy! Yep!” When your body is healthy, it’s just not that complicated. It’s only your brain doing that.

Doing disordered things “just a little bit” or that you deem “insignificant” is just…not a good idea. It’s A) a REALLY slippery slope and it’s B) interfering with your quality of life. You deserve better than that.

These are just the ones I’m thinking of right now. I’m sure I’ve left things out so if you want to add on, please do!

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of-unsound-mind-heart · 6 years

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…I almost killed myself

I put on my sunglasses, to hide my swollen eyes, over my tears. I cried all my makeup off. Went inside to have a milkshake. I don’t know why. I wanted something to drink as I figured out what I would do. I got a soda and a milkshake. Medium. The cashier looked at me and with a line around the corner of the counter he rushed away from the counter “Hold on “ he yelled to a coworker.

I filled my soda and went back and saw him looking all over. I go up and he gets close and says “I made it a large”.

That was seriously enough for me not to do it. His kindness. Someone went out of their way and as I went back in my car to cry I realized I could muster through a few other days. A few more weeks. Then I came down from that panicky high of anxiety, depression, and pain. I finished my shake. And it was enough time to let me feel better. I… I’m alive. I’ll make it through.

Try and be nice today. Tomorrow. Something as much as a smile. It helped so much.

Thank you man at McDonalds.

The milkshake saved my life

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of-unsound-mind-heart · 6 years

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of-unsound-mind-heart · 6 years

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“young adult dystopian novels are so unrealistic lmao like they always have some random teenage girl rising up to inspire the world to make change.”

a hero emerges

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of-unsound-mind-heart · 6 years

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A Rant on Transformation Posts

I really hate transformation posts. I have always hated transformation posts. For me, it just adds another layer of competitiveness to recovery and somewhat disregards the struggles that I endured.

I was clinically anorexic. Not your shock value anorexic. My image is not one that would appear when you type in “anorexia”. There were a lot of girls thinner than me that were not anorexic. There were also girls bigger than me who were anorexic. Yet, eating disorders are a mental game. A manic obsession with food so much so that every thought you have and every behaviour that you engage in revolves around food. No before and after pic can really convey just how much this disease consumed my life and left a path of destruction in its wake.

The little physical transformation that my body made only makes my struggle with anorexia, my experience with the horrific disease and the handful of other mental illnesses that accompany it, seem unworthy. My illness was not physically drastic, and nor was my recovery. Thus, despite being recovered and living a life that did not seem possible five years ago, I am not what people would call ‘inspiring’. We continually harp on that “eating disorders are not about weight” yet in my newsfeed I see these transformation posts regularly. Just as it did when I was unwell, it still serves as a reminder that I was never really “sick enough.”

Yet who defines what exactly is sick enough? Five years ago, I was vomiting into my handbag after meals out. I was blacking out because my heart rate was so irregular. I spent most nights in my bed hacking up my arms and legs with razor blades. Five years ago, there were often times that the only option seemed to be to give up. There was nothing in this life worth living for and the pain was simply not worth it when the bad days far outnumbered the good. Despite all my greatest efforts, I would never be skeletal and I loathed that so much. I was bumped on and off waiting lists because more “drastic cases” were prioritized. Back then, I didn’t feel worthy of recovery and now I don’t feel worthy of saying that I have recovered from an eating disorder.

There are no words to describe the happiness that exists in my life. The pure joy that comes from living each day. Social media is a blanketed moment in someone’s life, I know that and I try my hardest not to rate my worth on each post and each like that crosses my screen. I don’t need a transformation picture and a whole lot of comments for someone to tell me that I am inspiring. I know, deep down, that I have come out of the deepest depths of hell and it has made me the person that I love today.

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of-unsound-mind-heart · 6 years

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of-unsound-mind-heart · 6 years

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Invisible Monsters Pt. 5

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of-unsound-mind-heart · 6 years

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of-unsound-mind-heart · 6 years

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Invisible Monsters Pt. 4

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of-unsound-mind-heart · 6 years

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This melted my heart ♥️

via (@ducksmakegreatpets)

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of-unsound-mind-heart · 6 years

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Invisible Monsters Pt. 3

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of-unsound-mind-heart · 6 years

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Invisible Monsters Pt. 2

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of-unsound-mind-heart · 6 years

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of-unsound-mind-heart · 6 years

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Recently I’ve seen so many people going to hosptial and very unwell as a result of their eating disorder and it’s finally starting to open my eyes to how dangerous this illness is 😔 one of the girls from inpatient had a heart attack and died, another just turned 18 in hospital where she’s been having seizures and has just been transferred to an adult EDU, one of my best friends from IP has lost a lot of weight in a week and broken her section CTO, she’s likely to be readmitted… it’s just so devastating and although it’s making my anorexia so jealous it’s also making me realise who the enemy is (@ anorexia)… I’m going to parties, attending college, starting rock climbing and I KNOW that’s so much better than life in hosptial where the most interesting thing to happen is two girls arguing over who had more jam on their toast 🙄 I don’t know where I’m going with this… I just want to say to everyone that a) it’s not too late for you to turn things around and start recovering b) you don’t think you’re ‘that’ sick but you probably don’t realise how sick you really are (none of the girls I know from IP thought they were ‘that’ sick) c) there is no safe way to go about your disordered eating, you are literally playing with fire!

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of-unsound-mind-heart · 6 years

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Invisible Monsters Pt. 1

This will be an ongoing story series documenting my journey through eating disorder treatment and recovery. I have changed all names for privacy reasons. All accounts and events are true.