moody-lake-house

[moody-lake-house]

Dear you,

I am sitting here at Christmas dinner all alone wondering when the last time I felt loved was. Logically, I know they love me, they must. But, I don't feel the warmth.

I am still trying to figure out why I felt more loved by a person I had known for 20 minutes squeezing my shoulder, than in the home I grew up in. Somehow, in that touch, I felt more love, more trust, and more warmth than I feel from people I have known my whole life.

I saw my best friend for dinner last night. I felt more love that night than I feel at home. I wonder if the warmth isn't there or maybe it's always there and so it's not special. Regardless, the warmth I felt with my best friend was a blaze that I don't recall feeling.

#dear you #letters to you #love #unloved #really old draft

[moody-lake-house]

Dear you,

Past me would be so disappointed in me. She hoped I would be doing better, more successful, prettier, and with more friends. She would hate where I am and who I am now. But I am so proud of her. The world is a dark and scary place and no one gave her a lantern or stayed by her side. Looking back I see how the root causes of my issues are from when I was too young to truly understand it. She was in a fucked situation but continued everyday. She is my hero.

Past me, I'm sorry to disappoint you. You amaze me everyday, I am so proud of you. Somehow, you survived the shit storm and I will try to live everyday to make your sacrifices worth it.

I'm sorry you had to fight.

#dear you #letters to you #adulthood #childhood truama #past me #your were a child #im sorry

[moody-lake-house]

Dear you,

The last birthday I celebrated was 16. I thought it would be my last. Against the odds I made it to 21. It's celebrated in America because it's legal drinking age. It celebrated in Australia because everyone likes a party. For me it's an age. For me, it's a reminder of all I have and all I don't want.

The only reason I celebrated my sixteenth birthday was because I thought it would be my last. Some how I made it to 21. I will finish university, I will walk across the graduation stage and I will join the 'real world'.

I never thought I would make it this far. Never thought I would be looking at graduation dresses. Never thought I would be thinking about real life. Never thought I would be making plans for the future. Never thought I would be an adult. I am still a child. I still sit at the children's table and look at the children's menu. I don't want to change my seat or forget that menu exists. I don't want time to move on. I want everything to freeze right here so I can catch my breath.

I don't even know what happens now.

#dear you #letters to you #21 #graduation #adulthood

[moody-lake-house]

Dear you,

Everything is better at midnight. Don't you think? The night is calmer, quieter, the end feels less dangerous. My fears feel smaller and insignificant. I can breathe deeper, I can see better, I can think clearer.

The world feels like it is crushing me all the time, but not at midnight. I always feel alone, but not at midnight. I'm always surrounded by noise, but not at midnight.

There's something about the sky at midnight too. It's dark, but it doesn't feel pitch black. It's a lively dark. My favourite shade of blue. A blue I wish I could swim in, live in, surround myself with.

I will always experience midnight, and enjoy its solitude. Staring at the sky, breathing for the first and last time that day.

#in celebration of Taylor Swift #a draft i have had for months #letters to you #dear you #midnight #midnight blue #solitude

[moody-lake-house]

Dear you,

You are the only person I love without obligation. You have to love your family, but you don't have to love your friends. You don't have to be friends with them. You choose your friends. I chose you and you chose me. I chose to stay by your side forever, and I hope you choose to never leave my side either.

I would say I would die for you, but when you're around I don't want to die. I would move mountains for you, I would change the course of history, I would divide the seas. I know we are headed down different paths, and we will have different futures, but no matter what I am doing or where I am you will always be first in my heart.

I seriously love you so much. You are my best friend and you are my platonic soul mate.

#dear you #letters to you #best friend #i love you #love you to the moon and to Saturn #thats my fucking lifeline thats my ride or die #that my fucking best friend #cause i hate like everyone except for you #its nice to have a friend

[moody-lake-house]

Dear you,

Every story needs a villian. I guess I am one of your villians. But you are also one of mine. We could have been friends. I tried to be friends, but you couldn't let some things go.

Every story can be retold to change the villian and the hero. I am okay with being your villian. There is nothing I can do to change your story.

The thing with the fictional villians in the stories we devour is that we are in their head. We know their past, we know their truama. We know why they act a certain way. I don't know why you act the way you do. I don't know why you insist on tearing me apart and undermining me every chance you get.

Maybe if I knew why you are the way you are I would more forgiving. But from where I am standing you are just a villian. I am going to need you to not be a villian.

You may hate me being in your story but at least for now our stories are linked and I need you to be okay with that.

#dear you #letters to you #villians #heros #stories #intertwined #hatred

[moody-lake-house]

Dear you,

I went to the museum by myself today. You were supposed to be there with me. But you weren't. I've been so afraid to do things by myself. You can't leave the house by yourself. You must always have someone with you. What a lie.

I went to the museum by myself today. I enjoyed the solitude. I enjoyed putting in my headphones when the noise of the excited children got too much. I enjoyed the the soundtrack of my life playing in my ears as I wondered around.

I went to the museum by myself today. I was scared I would look like a loser, all by myself. But what I realised is that it's nice to enjoy your own company. And that no one else is thinking about you as much as you think about you.

I went to the museum by myself today. It was the most fun I've had at a museum.

#dear you #letters to you #museum

[moody-lake-house]

Dear you,

I hate that even after everything your voice still rings in my head. An echo of words I won't say to anyone else but will say to the mirror as my morning mantra. After everything I can't get over you and I think sometimes I don't want to get over you. I think I love you exactly as much as I hate you. My constant companion. Even when the situation has nothing to do with you, your still there. It's kind of funny how you have inched your way into my life and my head. You have convinced me I need you. That my life would be better with you. I don't know if that is entirely true, but I want you. I hate that I want you. Maybe my life is better with you, but I know thats just your voice echoing once again.

#letters to you #dear you #mental illness #words i wouldnt say to anyone else

[moody-lake-house]

Dear you,

Congratulations, you got me to turn my emotions back on. There was a crack in the glass that was waiting for that bit of pressure to shatter it. Your words broke that crack and shattered the glass. And it wasn't because your words weren't true, but they also were not entirely accurate. It was the truth in it that broke me. I was trying so hard to do my best for you.

The glass is now shattered. The light glistening on the shards litering the floor. I could feel my emotions pushing on the glass. Now without that barrier, I realised it was also holding back my depression and anxiety.

I have been flooded with sadness and anxiety attacks lasting hours. I miss the glass. I am looking at the pieces of it on the floor trying to remember how I built it to begin with.

I liked having no emotions.

#dear you #no emotion #mental illness #apathy #depression and anxiety #glass wall #letters to you

[moody-lake-house]

Dear you,

I want to tell you that I wish I wanted to care. Through the years of mental illness my passion, my joy and my emotions have been stripped. I want to enjoy the things I once loved but that seems impossible now. I am in a glass box, seeing the world and the things that once made me happy around me. At one point I used to hit the glass, try to break it and join the world again. That has proven impossible. So I have decided to just sit and watch. Please forgive me.

#dear you #forgive me #im sorry #emotionless #mentally fucked #mentally exhausted #letters to you

[moody-lake-house]

Dear you,

I'm sorry I can't get myself to care. I know that my apathy is harming you, so for you, and only you, I will try to care.

#dear you #im sorry #apathy #letters to you

[moody-lake-house]

5 stages of grief? that’s a lie. “stages” is too gradual. no, instead grief hits you in the chest like a ton of bricks 7 months later when you accidentally find an email they sent you 5 years ago.

[moody-lake-house]

tell me why I've convinced myself that tomorrow we are getting a fire message from Christina telling Emma to talk to Julian about London. Like what even gave you that impression babe.

#blackstairs #emma carstairs #the dark artifices #sobh #the mortal instruments #the shadowhunter chronicles

[moody-lake-house]

WHAT IF CLARY WAS LYING!

Or atleast only telling a half truth? What if they aren't getting married yet because of the whole Janus situation and they are on Janus look out (hence the thought I saw Jace thing). And maybe Simon and Isabel have the same idea where they don't want Janus to destroy their wedding.

#blackstairs #the dark artifices #emma carstairs #the mortal instruments #clace #sizzy #sobh #shadowhunters #the shadow hunter chronicles #the shadowhunter chronicles

[moody-lake-house]

I have made a playlist for Blackstairs. It's mainly Taylor Swift and I want to add more. Drop your song suggestions below please.

https://open.spotify.com/playlist/4udTw2Q2HA8SMX7CLFjmDI?si=j-w5z7RvTwaH1tDuIgScjQ&utm_source=copy-link

#tda #blackstairs #emma carstairs #julia johansen #jemma blackstairs #the dark artifices

[moody-lake-house]

Julian: How do I get out of friendzone?

Emma: Who friendzoned you, best friend?

#yeah same

[moody-lake-house]

All I want. The only person I'm romantically attracted to is Julian anyway (apart from Emma of course). 

#uquiz #blackstairs #emma carstairs #julian blackthorn