leanbojean

[leanbojean]

23 - A Poem

Where have you been?

 Where have I been?

 Who am I?

Am I just this pervasive fear that follows me, lurking in the background but never letting me forget he’s there?

 Where do I go from here?

What do people do when they’re like me?

I’ve reached the extent of my abilities, I forget how to breathe.

 It’s suffocating.

 I never thought I’d be here.

Surrounded by opportunity but blind to relief.

 All I ever think about is The Great Escape. But I know I’ll never really get away.

 The problems are inside me; they’ve infiltrated what little defenses I had.

Now all I hear are voices that I don’t even recognize, is that voice yours or mine?

 How do you find the truth when it’s buried?

How do you dig past the roots?

 How do you follow your dreams when your dreams have died?

How do you find the rainbow when it never stops raining outside?

 I held my breath for a minute and almost cried.

I thought my emotions were gone but I guess they just hide.

 We used to be a team and now we just exist side by side.

 Why did I think I could do this?

Why did I think I could survive?

 It’s like I’m not meant to be here, it’s like I wasn’t made to be alive.

 This is what it’s like to have no one by your side.

Although I guess the fault is no one’s but mine.

 I thought I could be independent, but you can’t when you’re this dependent:

On drugs, on depression, on anxiety, on emotional abuse, on disappointment, on loneliness.

 I’d give it up if I could but I always find myself coming back.

 They romanticize it in the shows I watch, the hating yourself trope.

But it’s not all it’s cracked up to be, because that’s all you are: cracked.

A broken bottle, a cracked pipe that you still try to smoke. 

 Everything is just so counter-intuitive.

Go before you’re ready.

Run before you crawl.

Jump before you know how to fly.

Put yourself out there even though you still haven’t figured out your insides.

Do what you don’t know.

Be loud!

Be quiet.

Not that quiet…

Be where you don’t want to be.

See who you don’t want to see.

Play the games you never wanted to play.

Join the club you don’t want to be in.

 Do the right thing,

Whatever that means…

 It’s a jumble, it’s a mess,

It induces stress.

Nothing more, nothing less.

Meaningless, meaningless, it’s all meaningless!

 It burns a hole in my chest

It tumbles down the pit in my stomach

Relentless, endless

 What is this feeling that drives me to madness?

Where were you when all this was happening?

Where was I when all this was happening?

#poetry #poet #23 #counselingstudent #stressed #depressed #mylifeisamess #anxiety #youandme #confusion #lost #thelostnessofyour20s #fear #whoami

[leanbojean]

RELATIONSHIPS ARE MESSY - Poem

Every time I see your name

My heart immediately drops to my stomach

Flashbacks of us replay over memories of guilt

I wasn’t sure of us and that feeling lingers still

And now I regret the way we left things on that hill

I have so much more to say to you and now I guess I never will

Never get to say goodbye to this internal struggle

That happens every time I see your name

 Every time I read our messages

My heart starts racing a mile a minute

And I can’t even tell if I like this or am scared

Of all that it involves and all that it entails

Like a different side of me is ready to be bared

But is it even all I think it is or am I just being weird

Should I turn away or just bite the bullet

Cause for now all I do is re-read our messages

 Every time I watch your story

What I feel and think are so contradictory

Because in my head I know we were codependent

But in my heart, I can’t help but continue to miss it

And I know that’s not the way relationships are supposed to finish

But how do I learn to love again after what you did to him

So although you helped me figure out what worthy means

I know I shouldn’t keep watching your stories

 Every time I see you in public

My pulse goes from stopped to racing

My face turns white like I’m looking at a ghost

Everything we had is in the past and I guess that’s what hurts the most

You changed who you were and yet I paid the cost

You say you’ve found yourself but I know we’ve never been more lost

You’re manic to my depression and yet you’re still what I’m chasing

Every time I see you in public

#relationships #complicated #messy #complicated relationships #messy relationships #love poem #poetry #original poem

[leanbojean]

When She Said What I Always Wanted To Hear - Poem

When she said what I always wanted to hear, I covered my ears

I don’t know why except that when the moment finally arrived I found myself in a bind

Because what I had always assumed turned out to be the truth which meant that all I really had left was a bench to fall back on because I couldn’t stand it anymore

 When she took the seat that was associated with me, considering my long history, I repeated the pattern of disbelief

I couldn’t handle the stress of not knowing what was next so I spent myself on the emptiness

But with my every breath from that moment on, I’ve been staring at the dawn that has long since moved on but I still can’t

For the sole reason of realizing the season that I was in had left me with no means of getting out of it

 When she said the words I always wanted to hear, it calmed all my fears

I left out a sigh of relief as I let it wash over me and fall at my feet

But then it brought new fears and tears that I used to be able to hide from

And now in the circle of life I found that in spite of the exterior shell that fell off of me, I was now, in some weird way, complete

#poem #poetry #love poem #original poem #what I wanted to hear #I love you #ily #three simple words #relationship #when she said #when she said what I always wanted to hear

[leanbojean]

How I Think I Love You

I love you as when two do but have never met Yet still know the richness and deepness that has been sent From heart to heart, from heaven to dirt

I love you in a way I fear you’ll never know A way that makes others wary but brings me life Filling me up, ceasing my strife

I love you in a way that I don’t understand Its purpose is unclear to me, it fogs up the glass so I can’t see the distance It makes me heartsick, I’m always wondering if I’ve missed it

You’re filling my head with knowledge, my heart with desire My hands with work, my soul with fire But if I sink, into the mud and mire How will I ever be enough for your ache and tire

Hidden agendas beneath a mere muse Delve too deep and you’ll find all my “I love you’s” Hidden desires never meant to be proved But that doesn’t mean that they’re any less true Hiding out in the solace finds two hearts within And still a third at the door pleading, “Let me in!” Dressing up in paper and pen Behind words that will never get under the skin

If hearts were meant to be broken then love is a curse But if hearts were meant to be loved then brokenness is the cure Now you’re the maker of but a choice Should secret things remain secret, or should emotions be voiced?

I would write your story if I could read your face But I can’t say what I don’t know yet, so tell me your name

Cause if I could kiss you, I would give you a kiss Full of innocence, wonder, and care-free bliss I would show you the path to be made new I would open the doors to the days of your youth

If I could touch you, I would reach for your hand I would tell you I’m here, that I understand I would give you strength to believe in a greater plan I would let you be something other than what I am

Oh if I could just do for you what you have done for me I would change your life, I would make your blind eyes see But we have never done so much as let our lonely eyes meet We’re across the room, but it feels across a sea 

Can you turn back time and help me realize That you’ve been mine since I realized I could find you By taking means and meaning to take the time Faking laughs and trying to fake the smile Cause the way the tone echoes when I dial Is the way I’m going to feel for a while The sun will set after it rises But I am up for some surprises And if I think I love you righteously I will find myself twice the person I thought I could be In ten years time For when heaven and earth meet they collide And the heavens don’t just applaud, they go wild And that heart that met mine as a child Has made all my troubles worth my while Because they all led up to me finding you And that is the only thing that will remain true

I love you as a daughter loves her father And hate you as one who has never met the other For if I was called by any other name My heart would most surely not feel the same about you And when the walls build between us I do my best to break through And when I’ve done all I can I call out to you Cause I don’t want us to go down in smoke But I guess that is something I never actually let you know

I do love you So deeply and truly I do Forgive me for leaving you in suspense But the words just didn’t form It’s not that I was hesitant To say what I mean I think that I was just feeling flippant And that is too far from how I feel I don’t mean to leave you questioning I’m not trying to break your spirit My wish is that my love does the opposite My fear is that I just don’t know how to prove it yet

I never want to prove something in speech I worry that leaves too many wonders I’d rather have it be seen And then reaffirmed by my words like lightening and then thunder I’m so sorry I’m slow I always will believe you deserve better Because I’m difficult, this I know I can’t even say this to your face so I put it in a letter

#love poem #otp love #poem #poetry #original poem #true love #how to love #how to know if love is true #is love true #is this true love

[leanbojean]

The Motivation of Fear

Do you know how easy it would be to just let you go?

But still I hold on

As the distance pulls, and the pieces of who we used to be fall to the floor, leaving behind nothing but scars on my hands

As the shells come off and the true us is revealed

As the slopes get slippery and roads get windy

As time passes us by

As these rips and tears and wrinkles age us

As memories fade

And life distracts

We’re running races on different tracks

 I used to look beside myself and see you

You were in and around everything I did

But now I just can’t find a place to keep you

In my heart or in my soul or in my head

 Because it’s all of it and none of it that keeps me going

It’s the way you don’t want anything fixed or changed

It’s the past me I see in you that I wish I had more successfully escaped

It’s the down in the dumps feelings and the way you make me think I’m crazy and how I wonder if you will ever get to the point where all your current pain goes away

It’s the way I care for you so deeply I’m willing to apologize and do whatever it takes to make it right

It’s the fear that I might be without you that drives me to keep talking even when I want to shut my mouth tight

It’s the way you laugh so free

The way you hate what you see when you look in the mirror

But the glass couldn’t be any clearer

You aren’t what your experiences have led you to believe

You are better than the rest that I see

 But at the same time, I’m in the same boat because honestly I don’t know why anyone would want to put up with me

But somehow I’m still afloat and although I can’t find the rhyme or reason it is on these very stormy seas that I watch you rise and fall like a tidal wave looking for the beach

If you’re going to fall, you can crash into me

I’m not scared of the scars, I’m already broken and bleeding

You humble me

Continually I find myself reaching out for answers that I don’t really need and as I keep falling to my knees

I cry in desperation, Father please do your greatest work in her and me

I’ll do whatever it takes even if I don’t want to stay because more so I don’t want to leave

When I’m next to you, I’m where I finally want to be

#next to you #scars #love poem #love #don't want to let go #long distance relationship #distance #relationships #poem #original #original poem #love story #where I want to be #I want to be with you

[leanbojean]

Simplicity - Poem

The fears of the upcoming years  Are if compared, full of simplicity So I live in the moment of today But each moment swiftly, simply passes me by And me and my weary old heart simply sigh.

On different saddles I survived countless battles But still simply cannot trust Though You are my boat in the flood I feel so rushed to live my life Thus I feel as if I’m simply wasting my time. 

Tearing away every worries’ hold and sway I see clearly into Your eyes Your heart reaches down to mine Though I know not why, I’m shedding tears Cause now it’s simply You and I and several yet to be years. 

Feeling the loving warmth from Your Fatherly heart I understand some things I hadn’t before I need You like the ocean is needed by the shore Every time I can’t reach, You’ll carry me there carefully That You love me and keep my best in mind is not complicated ‘Tis the mind of a child, worry-free trust, sweet simplicity.

#simple #simplicity #trust #poem #original #original poem #rhyme #child-like #fear #stuck #feelings

[leanbojean]

20 (A Poem)

Do you ever get overwhelmed by the beauty of paper?

Like mouth gaping, tears of joy forming as you stand in the aisle of a supply store overwhelmed? Because what may or may not be written on said paper might have what it takes to do what you could only halfway do: Change the world, right a wrong, discover an antidote Share a smile, open your eyes, release your inner poet What I write, how I yield, will uncover or bury me If I’m lucky it will come to be that both are my legacy

 Do you ever get into those really nerdy moods?

Like nerdier than that weird time you were crying in the paper store. I’m talking full-on, head to toe, decked out, nerdy? I wish I had more of those moments. I love the way they signify who we are by what we place upon us. Never have I felt more like a superhero then when I was watching the Avenger’s team up with Shield for the first time. It was a thrilling ride. Never have I felt more like sauntering around like a space cowboy or keeping my cool as an intergalactic princess because I knew what my business truly was and the elements of covert operations that were thrown into the mix led me to feel a little more pride than prejudice. Maybe I just like the secret codes I feel like it sends, to anyone within listening distance who wants to witness and join in can because we have the same kind of weirdness. It’s a special bond.

 Do you have those people you love to talk to, not because you want to talk but because you want to listen?

The way they mesmerize you with their big dreams and small moments Wide eyes and deep loves, grand stories of sad instances I would say they capture you but the truth is you brought the rope and tied yourself to the chair to insure that nothing would take you away from this person that you just want to drink in They said listening was a good skill for a counselor and yet I feel as if I am the one following their voice, searching for self-actualization as they cheer me on.

 Do you have those people that you wish you could fix?

Those people that have told you their life stories and all the gory details and it makes you wish that you could just hug their problems away. And you hate that it seems like they’re not getting better and that they keep fighting these same battles and never getting to higher ground, sometimes sinking lower down into the valley. That feeling you get that’s probably some maternal instinct that says “Just give me a minute and I can kiss it and the problem will go away” But it’s real life and they’ve got real messes and things that can’t be fixed with a Band-Aid and a shaken up Etch-A-Sketch So you just watch them from across the room wondering how they got to be so beautiful Wishing that someday they might just wonder about it too

 Do you have those friends that you wish you knew better?

Those friends that you’ve known for a while but are just kind of in a holding pattern with, Where you don’t really settle down and dive in you just kind of go on and on and pretend that it’s perfectly normal to just sit in a boat in the middle of the ocean even though you want to dive? And you make up excuses because it scares you and though it tears at you that you’re so shallow, at least you’re not too uncomfortable so you do nothing and just keep smiling though you wish they knew that you cared about them?

 Do you struggle with expressing how you feel?

Do you see those people you know and feel the feelings of love But it’s so deep and wide that you feel like you’re on a mountaintop high And you’re screaming inside trying to tell them why When you think you’re done, they make you feel alive? But the quietness of the moment, the sacredness that it owns, has left both of you alone together, quietly testing the support of this shelter, cause it’s worn and the holes it left are giving you anxiety about how in depth you can go with this person you would die for but can’t seem to say so?

 Do you have those moments where you really miss someone that you used to despise?

Well, maybe despise isn’t the right word. Maybe it was just someone whom you were close to, or trying to get close to who suddenly left and it left you wondering if you were the reason they chose to up and go. And you know in your head that it’s not but your heart just keeps reminding you how hard it is to live apart from them, never really knowing what could have been. Because between the two of you and them, there used to be the potential of a best friend But maybe you didn’t take advantage of the time you were given and now that it’s gone You realize what a gift it had been. You can try not to feel guilty because everything is supposed to end But maybe much earlier was the time you should have begun with them.

 Do you have those dreams that give you life?

Those dreams that you desperately want to see come true but they never do because you keep them locked inside? But that’s alright, because at least tonight they’re on your mind and that’s what’s keeping you from crying your heart out? It’s just enough of a spark to give you hope for the future, that whatever happens, whenever it comes, you won’t be lost and useless, you can do this.

 Do you dream about the one?

Wherever he is, whatever he’s done, whatever he is becoming I just hope that when he comes along, I will know and won’t be undone or surprised that his eyes look just like the ones I pictured in my mind, night after night? Do you dream about writing him letters or discovering new better versions of yourself together with no regrets or fear of the stormy weather but the same ideologies and plans that make your heart soar? Music so sweet, the oceans roar with envy, and even the greatest dreamers gasp in disbelief at the strength of your love?

Do you ever have those moments where you just feel at the end of yourself?

Like if the racism, destruction, chaos, or hatred doesn’t get to you first Then you will definitely make it worse By losing bits and pieces of yourself to fear and worry and never do more than scurry around in a haze Hoping it is all just a phase but realizing this is who you are now?

 Do you ever have those moments where you would just rather end it all?

Call it quits, call it a day, save the sunshine, bring on the rain Drown in shades of black and grey, since silver linings are overrated, and metaphors are only ever contemplated but never really explained? Like you could just sink into the backrow and no one would even know because you really might be all alone in whatever struggle you’re going through? And because these struggles never really seem to end, only to begin again in new ways with new vengeance and new crazes and you just get caught up and caught up and caught up until you just want to get out no matter what it takes?

 Because I do.

 I have those moments, those people, those dreams. And even though people say 20 is only 1/5th of my life It seems like more than half as many times I’ve wondered if I could be doing more Because the end is always in my mind.

 Here I am at 20, life has barely begun Or so they try to convince me, but with every rising sun I know that 1/5th of my time has already come and gone And before I lose a minute more, I just want to know what it is to really love someone These people, these moments, these things are all I have. But are they really all I really want?

#poetry #thoughts #20 #random #rhyme #therapeutic #processing #writing