jinniewinnie01

[jinniewinnie01]

December 1999. 'Hanover.'

[jinniewinnie01]

December 2000. 'Make them your own'

[jinniewinnie01]

Unfortunately, I do spend my days thinking of the what if’s…

#life #digital diary #diary entry #girlblog #diary #pink

[jinniewinnie01]

I want to love myself but to do that I have to take away some of the love I’ve reserved for you.

#life #digital diary #love #relationships #diary entry #girlblog #diary #lit #writing #heartbreak

[jinniewinnie01]

Do you feel me thinking of you?

#life #digital diary #love #relationships #diary entry #girlblog #diary #lit #writing

[jinniewinnie01]

I just want to be with you and around you.

Oh god, when will I have you.

#life #relationships #love #girlblog #writing #digital diary #diary #diary entry #words #thoughts #lit

[jinniewinnie01]

I dreamt of you again but when I woke up the only thing I could remember was your smile and laugh.

#life #relationships #love #journal #digital diary #lit #girlblog #dreams #thoughts #words #diary entry

[jinniewinnie01]

The Smoker

I dislike smokers. I find it unattractive and have always been firm that I’d never date one. Why is it that I’m attracted to him when he does it? Why does my heart start beating faster when he puts the jacket over his shoulder and walks out the door? I tell myself to stand up and look the other way yet I can’t help but stare and watch his fingers hold the deadly cancer, attach his lips to it, and breathe in before slowly breathing it out into the wind.

Staring at him from across the porch, studying his every move, I want nothing more than to touch his face as if he were my own cigarette and with my lips around his, breathe him in and let him take over my body until it’s now I who has become the smoker and become addicted to this love for him that will eventually kill me just like his cigarettes will kill him.

#love #life #romance #girlblog #writing #diary #digital diary #diary entry #words #thoughts #lit

[jinniewinnie01]

Sweet Dreams 🌙

The only time I get to be with you is in my dreams and I fall asleep early praying you’re there to kiss me goodnight.

#life #love #relationships #digital diary #girl blogger #journal

[jinniewinnie01]

Another night of restlessness, of anxiety, of tears, of chest pains.

#life #girl diary

[jinniewinnie01]

I only deserve the prettiest things in the universe nothing less ˚˖𓍢ִ໋🌷͙֒✧˚.

[jinniewinnie01]

I’m Stressed

I take on everyone’s problems and it stresses me out for them but at the same time i just want to tell them that they aren’t a child anymore.

Your friends don’t care about you, they’ve proved that time and time again but you still give them chances. Is it because you rely on them? It’s good to have a community but when they start drifting away and you keep them in against their will what do you expect to happen? They don’t want you anymore, if they did they would’ve replied to your first twenty messages.

Your family takes advantage of you….what are you going to do about? The answer is nothing. When kids are involved you’re left to take care of the children because if you don’t they’ll suffer and you blame yourself because you wonder what you did wrong. My answer would be that you gave up. You had a kid late in life, 18 years after your first born, you got pregnant and so you spoiled the girl and she got every single thing she wanted without any care or acknowledgment that she was a lucky girl. She got pregnant at 19 to a loser and then two years later got pregnant again and didn’t stop until she had a girl. Depressing. Now you’re 81, she’s 35, and you’re paying for everything because they don’t want to work. Your son works his ass off practically killing himself but he can’t get over his loser ex and constantly gives her money so he never has any. You don’t know it but for months he’s living at a hotel, he can’t drive the brand new car you gave him because his ex’s kids will do something to it, so you throw your hands up and just let everything be. They’re your kids and you love them to death but what you don’t see is your oldest daughter who does everything you ask her to. She’s been with you since your husband died and has taken you on trips and you’re grateful for a little bit wears off because your other two mean more to you, they always have. Your oldest has given up, knowing she will never receive the same love and it doesn’t even bother her anymore. Does that make you happy or would you still not even notice?

Your best friend who you’ve been friends with since high school confides in you about something and you call her a slut. She doesn’t act bothered at first and laughs it off insisting she isn’t but you say the sentence you always say when you truly mean something. She drops you off and can’t stop thinking about what you said and that night she explains herself, going into detail when she shouldn’t have, and you lie and say you didn’t mean it. She knows you did. It takes her back to two years ago when she stopped replying to everyone especially the group chat and one night when she needed her friends you texted her privately and spewed words that made her want to take a knife deep into her chest. You acted like she owed you something, when she never asked for anything. You put yourself first and said it hurt you and how you didn’t know if she was dead or alive and that you thought about removing her from the group chat as if you had a say in anything. Who made you the voice of reason? Who put you in charge? You always have something bad to say because you’re mad at the world and that’s fine but why are you putting the weight of the world on your shoulders? No one’s problem is yours. Focus on yourself and maybe when you do you’ll realize that not everything needs a negative view. Are you really happy? I don’t think you are. Is your life not perfect enough? Is that why you’re so bitter towards anything and everything?

Everyone thinks I’m this happy, sunshine, care free, laid back girl, and I am, but I’m also living, breathing human. I see the world just like any girl and live my life just like any 22 year old. I’m lost, I have no idea what I’m doing, and I honestly just want to be alone. I don’t mind being told your problems but when I give you advice and you don’t accept it because you’re too blind to see or you’re too scared, then there’s nothing I can do. All I can say is I tried. I’m like the pavement on a hot summer day and everyone’s hot and annoyed, and they’re running right over me to get inside away from their problems. What’s a girl to do? Ignore everyone at their time in need? Ignore everyone and have to deal with someone saying they thought our friendship was over? Ignore everyone and move to a different state and not tell anyone where I am? How do I stop floating, barely existing?

#personal diary #life

[jinniewinnie01]

Goals for the Week

I know it’s already Wednesday but I’m going to tell you my goals for the week:

☀️Wake up on time, eat a good breakfast, have coffee, stretch

⌨️ Work a full day, work hard

💳 Don’t spend money unless it’s for gas

🧸 Go to sleep on time, do night routine, get everything ready for the morning

🧚🏻 Have patience

📔 Finish book; read 10mins in the morning and at night

🥣 Cook at home, pack lunch night before

🩵 Be happy

#weekly goals #digital diary #girlblog

[jinniewinnie01]

Happy Birthday

It feels wrong writing this as my first entry, but really who cares.

Todays his birthday and I thought it was yesterday and texted him at 11:30pm but he didn’t see it until midnight. “Is today your birthday or did I make that up?” “It is. How did you know?” Him being sarcastic because of the birthday feature on snapchat. I didn’t read it until 11am the next day when I was already sitting at my desk. I always take a day to read his messages, him doing it to me back, always upsetting me but I deserve it for doing the childish act. Me, barely 22; him barely 24. Both of us cancers, it shows. I always get nervous texting him, its like I freeze and suddenly don’t have any good responses and I always ask myself why and the honest answer is that I have no experience, he is all the experience. It wasn’t like this at first, when we first matched I was smart and witty with my responses but as time went on I lost it. I don’t know why. We never went out, never progressed further than me sending a tit pic, him always wanting to send a dick pic but me always turning it down. Why? I have not even a clue. I may be one of the horniest people, but I wouldn’t let a guy as cute as him send me a dick pic. It’s not like I was a virgin and I’d never seen one or touched myself. Honestly, we wouldn’t have even progressed to anywhere if he hadn’t shown up to my job my very first week at my first job. That was what made me believe in fate. I don’t believe that we’ll ever see each other again or go past stupid flirting every seven months, but I do believe that we were meant to cross paths. It’s just impossible for him to have known where I’d work and if it wasn’t for me being so paranoid and anxious and looking at every person who walked through the door I wouldn’t have even known he was there. Not only that’s, but for his dad to be a client of my new boss? It was one of those things that would only happen in the movies.

“That was from yesterday. Happy birthday shawty” “Thanks sweetheart.” Something so simple but still had me react like a little girl who just found out her crush liked her. There was nothing behind that text though. When you put us together we don’t go together at all, im not even his type and I really didn’t know if he was mine. Maybe he was so just a boy who gave me random attention, and I was a stupid insecure girl. He knew how to get me though, and from the looks of his following list he had a type that he practiced on. All the girls looked like the same version of each other, were beautiful, and had good things going from them. I’m a plus sized girl who didnt think she was as insecure as she actually was, tragic, rolling my eyes at myself. When I turned 22 only a couple days before him, I had a realization that maybe I was getting too old for this. We weren’t anything but acquaintances and if I was him id be tired of it too. He was too nice though and I can tell at his core he’s a good person. That’s just me coming to you as a cancer, though.

Left him on read. What do you say after that? Simple, nothing. Even if I found something to reply it would’ve been too late as I had already spent twenty minutes freaking out over being called sweetheart. Never thought I’d let something like that effect me. That’s what happens when you’ve barely ever had a male interaction. I went crazy but remembered what I looked like and stopped and started putting myself down like a loser. I know my place, and realistically this guy would never actually be into me, maybe not even sleep with me. I’m just a girl in this big scary world with no idea what i’m doing or how to feel even after 22 long years. When will I figure it all out? When will I stop hating myself? Maybe never from what I’ve heard, which is even scarier, but alas I continue living. Should I have wished for that when I blew out the candles this year? Would it come true if I worked hard enough for it or would I write another birthday entry next year asking the same questions? I simply don’t know.

#boys #relationships #diary entry #diary posting #life #insecurity #first entry #lost

[jinniewinnie01]