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I can’t even begin to say how amazing this season of life has been. Not because life has just become magically easy, but because I chose to entrust my desires and fears to my savior Jesus, and ever since giving Him complete control over my life, He has given me security, fulfillment, love, and peace. Freedom from fear and anxiety. He showed me what I truly needed, blessed me with a life so much better than what I thought I could have. I have an amazing family. An amazing church. An amazingly handsome, loving, Godly fiancé, and an amazing, all powerful, loving God. I have all I need to get through the good and the hard times, and then some. What more could I ask for? Thank you Jesus! • • • • #thanksgiving #christianity #simplicity #content #thankful #blessed #godisgood #countingblessings #faith #friends #family #fiance #future #futuredreaming #thanksgiving2019 #vsco #vscocam #vscofilter #ifeelweirdpostingaselfiebutimgonnagetoveritbecauseidkwhatelsetopost https://www.instagram.com/p/B5cTsHTBY4F/?igshid=inw0t6as00vg

#thanksgiving #christianity #simplicity #content #thankful #blessed #godisgood #countingblessings #faith #friends #family #fiance #future #futuredreaming #thanksgiving2019 #vsco #vscocam #vscofilter #ifeelweirdpostingaselfiebutimgonnagetoveritbecauseidkwhatelsetopost

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“I can sit alone by an open window for hours if I like, and hear only bird songs, and the rustle of leaves. The trees are pure gold and orange,”

— Virginia Woolf, from a letter to Violet Dickinson wr. c. October 1904 (via woolfdaily)

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Went to a farmers market last Saturday and fell in love with life all over again. God is good and He is enough.

Time to live life for Him.

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I love this photo. It might be my favorite photo I’ve ever taken, actually. I think that’s because it captures so much. The beautiful sunset, the lighting showing off the structure of the ferry, and the tired faces of people coming home from day trips, work commutes, or family visits...people that I will most likely never see again. I just love being able to observe the little intricacies of life that make it so, so rich. I’ll remember this day forever now, because I have this photo. And I think that’s pretty dang awesome. • • • • • • #sunset #summersunset #sunset_pics #sunset🌅 #ferryboat #daytrip #sunsetaesthetic #aesthetic #darkaesthetic #summer #pnw #pnwonderland #pnwcollective #pnwsunset #pugetsound #sanjuanisland #daytrip #daycation #candid #life #capturingmoments #memories #vsco #vscocam #vscofilter #pursuehappy #pursuepretty #iphonephotography #sunsettheme #theme #peaceful #pretty #beautiful #creation #🖤 #🌅 #💗 #🌞 #☀️ https://www.instagram.com/anna_rachh_/p/Bvhz2hnH2I1/?utm_source=ig_tumblr_share&igshid=1h38gjvsyncp

#sunset #summersunset #sunset_pics #sunset🌅 #ferryboat #daytrip #sunsetaesthetic #aesthetic #darkaesthetic #summer #pnw #pnwonderland #pnwcollective #pnwsunset #pugetsound #sanjuanisland #daycation #candid #life #capturingmoments #memories #vsco #vscocam #vscofilter #pursuehappy #pursuepretty #iphonephotography #sunsettheme #theme #peaceful

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Someone who’s going to listen to my story and tell me that I was brave, that I am strong, and that life will go up and down but that it will be worth it. 

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Jesus Christ

I am excited to just simply follow Jesus.

I cannot wait to see where He leads me.

Praise God.

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And it’s not just me?? 😂😬😬

#JustDissociationThings

Wanting to say something but never being 100% sure whether or not you’ve already said the thing

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This user experiences derealization

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World mental health day

That last post I’ve just made- It’s not easy for me to say. Only two people know about this. And I know no one will read that, but to know it’s out there for anyone to read at any time...it’s frightening! But I believe every story has a purpose, and I’m giving mine up to be used in any way God sees fit. I am a vessel.

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World mental health day

So it’s world mental health day.

I think my last real post was on this day last year as well.

Whew. A lot has gone down. And warning, this may be triggering for someone dealing with this, or isn’t used to such deep matters. This day, this year, means so much more to me now than ever. I’ve always had my dealings with anxiety and fear. Since 2016 I’ve dealt with on-and-off depression. But not until 3 months or so ago did I realize the extent of my mental health.

Longgggg story short, I’ve recently discovered that I have derealization. Something that’s hard to live with. Really hard. I struggled with anxiety due to stressful situations, and when I was 11 my brain decided to check out when I got stressed.

I struggled with family and friendships. I stayed away from possible relationships. I’m 2016 I went through a nasty break up with a friend who was...much more than a friend, unofficially. This ensuing depression; hence I checked out even more. I fell into an addiction to masturbation and pornography because it was the only thing that made me feel real.

I didn’t know what was wrong with me at the time. I knew it wasn’t right, I knew I was falling into unhealthy habits. My friendships where strained even more, and my opinion of myself was at an all time low.

See, being a Christian I knew it wasn’t right. And I thought God was mad at me. I thought I had to clean myself up and then He’d accept me. Which was the farthest from the truth. Every good thing, every escape was supplied by Him to help me. He was reaching out to me and I didn’t yet know how to reach back.

I sought help after a few months of my world crumbling, but it didn’t work the way I thought it would. I didn’t know how to surrender.

December of that year is when I cut myself for the first time. Trying to stave off these other addictions led me to trying other ways to feel...alive. To see that I possessed blood, that I could indeed feel pain. It never got that bad...only superficial cuts. One day I felt and irresistible urge to kill myself so I threw my blades away.

That night still burns in my memory. I dug the dull blade against my wrist, but couldn’t go through with it. I was in a full state of panic immediately after, shaking and crying and heaving. I’ll never see that knife again and I’m glad to be rid of it.

The next year went by in a fog. I don’t remember much of 2017, other than major highlights and events. But the day to day...it was mundane, full of guilt and detachment. I hated myself, yet strove to change that. Strove to be happy, to be strong. To resist. The addictions got worse and I fell into a world of apathy. I knew no longer who I was. I was only 17.

The novemever of that year I fell in love with a wonderful young man. He was a pastors kid and he made me feel like I was clean. Like I was worth something. So I fell for him, and he for me. And we decided to make things official. I finally felt as if I had made a right choice. That if I was happy, with a young man who loved Jesus, that God was finally pleased with me.

What I didn’t realize is that He already was. He just wanted me to choose Him first. After a week I knew this relationship wasn’t right. I knew it in my spirit, so after a few weeks of denial and then prayer I decided to end things. I have him no explanation, only that I didn’t feel right about it.

He took decently, though our friendship will never be what it was. I am at peace with that.

That next month, January of 2018 was the hardest and yet most joyful months of my life. I chose Jesus. I realized that I couldn’t fix myself in my own strength. I realized that Jesus didn’t want to fix me, He just wanted to love me, and for me to love Him in return. See, because no matter how much sin is in my life, He already knew it all when He died on the cross for me. So now all He wanted was for me to pursue Him. As soon as I made that choice I felt happy for the first time in literal years.

I knew I was at the bottom going up. I told my sister and she offered me Godly council, and practical ways to deal and overcome addiction and fear. To give it to God and to let Him fight my battle.

During this time I found Dodie Clark and her derealization video, which you should all watch.

I was able to realize I had all the symptoms, and it scared me. I told my sister and we had a long, tearful discussion on how to heal, how to give it to Jesus and how to embrace the person I am. Today. To learn that it’s okay to grieve the past so long as I give it to God to glorify Him and to grow me.

That I can be ‘not okay’ for some time while my relationship with Christ was restored. And now... well now I’m still human. I still mess up from time to time, in fact this week has been quite awful.

But God still loves me. And He’ll always be there if I fall.

The derealization is still there. I’m still learning to wake my brain up, but I’ve also learned that I’m not insane, that I’m not dirty, but that God is restoring me and growing me and I pray that He uses my story to help and heal others, and to bring them to Him, because I know He is the only One who can truly heal and take away the bondage of fear and addiction and mental health.

I have no secrets, I’m an open book. I’ve not shared this yet because of fear on part, but because there is a time and a place. But God is the author of my story and I’m learning to give Him the pen. And to watch and see.

“Trust in the Lord with all your heart, and lean not on your own understanding. In all your ways acknowledge Him, and He shall direct your path.”

Proverbs 3:5-6

#worldmentalhealthday #depression #fear #dealing with life #stressed #thoughts #overwhelmed #derealization #mental illness #mental health #positive mental attitude #jesuschrist #Christian #jesussaves #healing #health #addiction #recovery #happynow

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This is something I just realized I have, and I’m slowly navigating through it. I am filled with so much joy for figuring it out, and after surrendering it to Jesus I am able to pull myself out.

But I have been grieving, as well, for the years I lost believing I was completely crazy. Jesus is so so good to me and has redeemed me even while I fail Him.

tiny moments that come with derealization

cold coffee

muttering sorry, bad memory instead of sometimes i don’t know how i got here

avoiding mirrors at all costs

binge eating until you can taste again

a floaty, tired feeling as you drive home

shaking hands

constantly checking the time

small extisential crisises 

#derealization #mental illness #fear #depression #jesus christ #gettingbetter

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Just had this thought today. There’s so much going on but I don’t want to be a sob story, but I do such a job of covering up that o seem totally okay. Everyone thinks I’m just tired... 😂

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“She can be sad even when she’s happy. She can be lonely even when she’s loved. She felt things deeply. It was both her blessing and her curse.”

— Juansen Dizon (via juansendizon)