deanmekel

[deanmekel]

Alive in the present

I do not want to die, I say, as the pain in my side gets worse and worse

I do not want to die, with this weight on my chest, the lies on my lips, the fear in my eyes

I do not want to die, when my cat is dying too

 

Lately, I have only been looking to the future while living in the past

I started wondering if the present has passed me be by

I am left behind

 

I am digging my own grave with the words spun in my head

Still, I am terrified of the dead

Especially my own and my cat’s

Now that we both feel like dying

I have been counting down the seconds in my head

Only waiting who is going to be the first one dead

 

In my counting and my waiting, I do not see that I have already been gone for quite a while

I am not quite alive the moment I stopped living in the present

I was already gone for no one can survive outside now

 

I look into the eyes of my cat

I see the present stretched out in front of me

My cat is not dying now and even if he is he is not yet dead and neither am I

We are both still alive now

#poem #poems #poetry #writing #my writing #neurodivergent poets #poets on tumblr #poems on tumblr #alive #living #dying #cat #hopefully #anxiety #present

[deanmekel]

Me in the past, you in the future

I do not know where I am going and I do not remember where I have been

My words might mean something to you but they were just here for me

To make me think I am something more than what you have seen

A tool for me to use to describe you, this is the you I see

 

Still, I am only afraid of the future while trying to live in the past

Yet you are in the present and I wish I could make you last

When I have been passed by so many times

And you are still alive

#poem #poems #poetry #writing #my writing #neurodivergent poets #poets on tumblr #poems on tumblr #about writing #future #past #anxiety

[deanmekel]

In the emptiness 

I am consumed by the emptiness of my days

I might have done so much already

But I hardly remember

And that I do, is so foreign

It is missing still

 

There is a life I have always wanted to live

That I cannot reach

One day I will run the distance, a bridge to the free

I am in the becoming of me, to still the desperate need

That I feel when I look back, attempting to find meaning

I have found in an empty life I can see the truth

In my barren thoughts, I do not know to feel alive

#poem #poems #poetry #writing #my writing #neurodivergent poets #poets on tumblr #poems on tumblr #emptiness #empty #lonileness #sad

[deanmekel]

To make a house a home

I hope the big changes come less often now

Inside these four new walls to make your own

I hope you can fall asleep without a lump in your throat

For far too long I have missed you when I am alone

It is you that I first think of in the dark

When I am searching for the words to write down the feelings in my heart

 

On foreign shores, in the comfort of a house

You are there to tell me how

The aching in my bones can feel a little softer

 

I wish to do the same for you

On your loneliest days, when the world is trying to beat you down again

I hope you can read my words, so they might ease your pain too

#poem #poems #poetry #writing #my writing #neurodivergent poets #poets on tumblr #poems on tumblr #moving #moving out #living on your own #hope #friends #friendship

[deanmekel]

In the end I do not want to give up on us

My teeth hurt but I am not home

I think I left a while ago

The dentist lied to me

I do not want to see you anymore

Again, at my worst I was greeted by a cat

My teeth scream in my ears

In their voices I can hear yours

I do not look left and right anymore

If a car hit me now I would not even mind

But this time I don’t know if I have any glue left to put the pieces back together

Scattered on the street, a solitary cat sniffs out my pieces

Still my teeth scream on

You are still the loudest

And yet, your familiarity sings me to sleep in the end

#poem #poems #poetry #writing #my writing #neurodivergent poets #poets on tumblr #poems on tumblr #tooth ache #fighting #cat #scared #anxiety #hope

[deanmekel]

Tooth ache

My tooth started hurting again and I wanted to pull it out like I am still six years old 

I would put it underneath my pillow

I will wonder if the tooth fairy will come and take it, give me a reward for it

Or if it is only my father who replaces it with a single coin a child like me does not know the worth of

I will sleep with high hopes and I wake innocent of the truth

 

The reality is much more unfortunate

I cannot pull the tooth out for none now can take its place, too much time has passed

I did not see the tooth fairy but I did see the dentist

She told me there is no saving the tooth, it has already died

My father will not give me a coin but he will pay the bill that I know full well is far too much

Now I sleep with crushing guilty and I wake with the taste of death in my mouth

#poem #poems #poetry #writing #my writing #neurodivergent poets #poets on tumblr #poems on tumblr #tooth ache #teeth #dead tooth #guilt #growing up

[deanmekel]

The last leaf

I was the last leaf on a barren tree

Dancing on a wind I could not fly

Till a winter storm tore me loose

And I left everything behind

 

On a cold winter breeze

I have seen flowers bloom in empty wastelands

I watched the snow fall on mountain tops

I flew with eagles to lands beyond the horizon

 

Now I can feel the warmth of spring coming

The breath of new life is in the air

I am still on my way to tomorrow

#poem #poems #poetry #writing #my writing #neurodivergent poets #poets on tumblr #poems on tumblr #travel #leaving #leaf #wind #storm #letting go #moving

[deanmekel]

In the clouds up north

In the north of Scotland, where the mountains end in rocky shores and the lochs find homes at sea

There the clouds are most strange and wild for in their darkness they do not show rain nor snow falling free

There in the northern skies you might find the image of large mountain ridges and pathways unknown to all but the dwellers of the sky

These are the mountains of old

They might have once been but are not anymore

Now their memory is only left in the sky

In the north of Scotland where I saw them with my own eyes

#poem #poems #poetry #writing #my writing #neurodivergent poets #poets on tumblr #poems on tumblr #scotland #travel #clouds #fairytale #imagination #hiking #mountains

[deanmekel]

To Sandwood Bay

The rain takes me by surprise as I make it to the shore

I walked seven miles and more to see the view of the bay stretched out before me

I made my way through thick dune grass and passed the ruins the sheep now call home

I saw a single beetle climb out the sand as I set foot on this unmarked beach

Here in the cold of the wind I watch the endless waves topple over as I cry with the rain

#poem #poems #poetry #writing #my writing #neurodivergent poets #poets on tumblr #poems on tumblr #scotland #travel #sandwood bay #hiking #rain #shore #ocean

[deanmekel]

The solitude of Scotland

The lonely deer makes me long for its freedom

The abandoned railway makes me wish to be forgotten

The shape of the land and the water make me dream of a different life

 

I hope to get lost in the low hanging sky

Among the trees no one can find

Where the mountains slide into the lochs

And the water falls from the heights

I will disappear into the silence

 

Only the solitude of Scotland can bring me the peace that I only remember from winter nights

#poem #poems #poetry #writing #my writing #neurodivergent poets #poets on tumblr #poems on tumblr #scotland #travel #solitude #silence #hiking #disappear

[deanmekel]

‘If I could leave, I would’ve already left’

When I look out of my window, I think of you

I imagine I can see the hills rising up in the distance, beyond all the roofs

If I could, I would open the window and jump them, running back to you

 

But I worry about her, if she will eat dinner without me, if there is someone else to hold her hand

I worry about him, when he cannot see my face on the weekends, who will eat his cinnamon rolls and sugar cookies when I am not there

 

All my friends that I already hardly see and then I would even less

My cat living with my parents that is still mine

The friends I go out walking with and laughing with till our stomachs hurt

My sister and my parents that I already see only once a week

All the plans that aren’t making themself, the months lengthening before I see them again

My high school best friends that I only see when the ones in the band are playing a concert

 

I already miss them all like you

And still, I think of leaving every single day

Sometimes I am terrified I never will

For I cannot leave any of them behind

 

But I hope to one day hug them all so tight

When they promise me we will see each other again

And I know we will

Because I love them all the same as they do me

Even when I have run back to you 

#yes this is inspired by the Noah Kahan song #poem #poems #poetry #writing #my writing #neurodivergent poets #poets on tumblr #poems on tumblr #scotland #travel #paul revere #noah kahan #inspired #leaving #longing

[deanmekel]

The Highland mountains

If you were to ask me about the soft edged highland mountains

I will tell you about the years that have come and gone

The snow and ice that made their way south

The rain that battered down on this land till her edges were worn

 

I will tell you about all the hooves and foot soles that have trotted these stones

Every shade of green, brown, and purple this side of the sun

The clouds shaping themselves around the tops

 

I will tell you about the setting sun through the rain, golden in the sky and upon the mountainside

The water always moving down into the sea

The height of dreams

 

For there are some things just for me

How the sight of them fills the hollow within my bones

How the colours and the outline move to tears

How I wish I could run, leaving my old life behind

Start anew in the place my heart already resides

And I know I could call this place home forevermore 

#poem #poems #poetry #writing #my writing #neurodivergent poets #poets on tumblr #poems on tumblr #scotland #travel #mountains #highlands #home #hills

[deanmekel]

Like the land

Just as the dark silhouettes of the mountains outlined by the sun, I know I am not who the light shapes me out to be

I unfold my leaves in spring and let them fall again in autumn

I push and pull my body

I mend my own wounds

I let the tears fall and look for new growth

I trace the lines and hollows where a storm has raged against my skin

The setting sun illuminates my bones where the saltwater laps at my lips

And once in the twilight mist, I too sleep with the age-old ache of living deep inside my chest

#poem #poems #poetry #writing #my writing #neurodivergent poets #poets on tumblr #poems on tumblr #scotland #travel #mountains #hills #forest #trans #transgender

[deanmekel]

Babet

How we met, it was in this familiar foreign land

I did not expect it to be so bad

But you rage against the hills

You shatter against my skin

The ground trembles beneath your feet

You could snap my bones with ease

The trees you pulled out like weeds

The violence of your waves threatening to drown me

 

And when your eyes grow dark, just as the sky

The wind picks up, it carries the sound of your voice

Against all your anger, I will still go outside

There is only one thing I will ask from you now

One last favour from you to me, before you will inevitably leave

If you go raging into the night, please do it right

 

Barricade every exit, flood every road

Uproot every tree and throw them in my way

Cry me a river I won’t be able to cross for days

Trap me in this place

For even without your rage

I would still rather be here by myself

#poem #poems #poetry #writing #my writing #neurodivergent poets #poets on tumblr #poems on tumblr #scotland #travel #storm babet #storm #mountains

[deanmekel]

Awaiting the blue moon

I saw her tonight even when I thought I would not

I had said I would look for her but I do not always remember

And just at her highest point, she greets me

Even through the clouds, I know she is still there

 

I am surprised still

As her shine reminds me

She will always be here

#poem #poems #poetry #writing #my writing #neurodivergent poets #poets on tumblr #poems on tumblr #moon #blue moon #waiting

[deanmekel]

Change

Above the clouds

Where the world ends in endless blue

I fall featherlight

In orange hue

 

Yet my legs do not carry me the same

Familiarity might change

The steep slopes make my body ache

 

I wish to come back on better days

When the mountain air still calls my name

In the light of the rising sun, I will forget my pain

I know I will return changed 

#poem #poems #poetry #my writing #writing #neurodivergent poets #poets on tumblr #poems on tumblr #travel #snow #winter #cold #change #skiing

[deanmekel]

Summer in Tuscany

The sad sunflower heads are now turned away from the sun

I do not think the grass is still growing

The crickets are the loudest beings around for miles and they are never quiet

Although the flowers and the grass is yellowed and the heat makes us all so very tired

There is no true silence here

 

On every hillside I see the grapevines thriving

Here the stars truly come out at night

It is a different kind of living

I know will never be mine

Still, even I will try to once a year appreciate the summer in the south

#poem #poems #poetry #writing #my writing #neurodivergent poets #poets on tumblr #poems on tumblr #travel #tuscany #summer