amartsukki

[amartsukki]

i love how each one of the yeom siblings is relatable but in completely different ways. and relatable not in the "i do this (sometimes)" sense but "it feels like someone ripped open my chest and looked inside" sense.

there's gi jeong with her irrational fear of embarrassment, driving her to the point of faking an accident. nothing makes me feel more seen than the visual representation of me wanting to get hit by a truck every time i feel like i've been perceived. why can't you, the world, shut your eyes off to me existing? feeling tired to the core, all day every day without a valid reason to back it up. wanting to take off your arms and legs for a moment, wishing for someone to carry you and scrub your back. analogies that never sit right with anyone. i'm sorry i told you that i would pick up my lover's severed head, do you still think i'm hot? guilt soaring so high in your system that you're on your knees, bowing down to what? you don't know yourself. but bowing down nonetheless - i'm sorry i'm sorry i'm sorry - as the moonlight creeps in.

chang hee with his lack of direction in life, living from one day to the next in itself can be be a chore at times and he's felt it. how do you expect me to peer into the future when i barely managed to survive today? why can't that be enough? realization dawning upon you that you might be the very thing you hate and wanting to slap the wits out of yourself because of it. in constant search for an elder male figure to validate you because you never received any from the one whose blood and bones are your very own. tell me i worked hard. tell me to rest. giving up on persuing romantic interests because you know, just know, that you will not be enough.

and mi jeong. mi jeong my beloved. no character has touched the inner workings of my soul as much as her. not feeling like you belong in public settings, forcing yourself to smile and nod because that's what they've told you will make you worthy of acceptance. wondering how people living on top of the world don't just jump off, thunderstorms making you comfortable because all you've ever wanted is for the world to end. never finding the strength in yourself to fight back, never being able to free yourself from the familiarity of attachments, never feeling complete. she's exactly what the personification of daily life existentialism would look like. how do you not want to coddle her in your arms? frogs getting torn to shreds, bad-mouthing your senior at work, biting into the flesh of what you adore - discovering that loving is listening, loving is saying out loud whatever comes to mind.

i will take this reassurance - you, too, can live the life of a main character - down to my grave.

#maze aa gye #feels like samuoni took my heart out #wiped it clean #and put it back inside #why would anyone need to seek help if they can read samuoni posts instead #i m giving up on thinking for myself #from now on samuoni posts are my identity #also mi jeong's coworkers (that mf and the other mf) can go to hell

[amartsukki]

do you ever think about how there's a possibility that father's day celebrations at megumi's elementary school involved kids needing to make cards for their dads and little megumi with his little hands ended up dedicating it to gojo one year (because he had little to no memory of toji) and gojo stumbled across it thoughtlessly tossed to a corner of megumi's room and almost immediately choked him in his embrace with tears and snot all over his face and megumi scowled while pretending to be disgusted but only pretending because he felt like he swallowed the early winter sun from the way warmth bubbled through his torso? because i do, all the time.

#if not real then why so attached #i can die peacefully now #but i m afraid i'll miss out on more #samuoni fluff has turned me into a saint from a sinner #the general urge to pluck gojo's eyelashes #the general urge to pluck megumi's eyelashes #samuoni is finally paying for the heart transplant #heart is mending after all the angst

[amartsukki]

my liberation notes: this is how i imagine mi-jeong's taste in design v/s her work supervisor's taste in design looks like-

mi jeong's taste in aesthetics/design^

and this is her supervisor's taste in comparison^

(i.e. in my visual imagination TT)

manifesting mi-jeong winning the design competition *fingers crossed*

#my liberation notes #my liberation diary #mln #mi jeong #kdramadaily #kdrama #kdrama meme #son seok koo

[amartsukki]

heart been broke so many times, i don’t know what to believe, mama says it’s my fault, it’s my fault, I wear my heart on my sleeve. </3

"suguru"

it lay in the tenderness underlining satoru's voice every time he would call out his name, the aching swell of his chest when his ears couldn't help but pick up the difference. gojo satoru, blindingly bright and lovingly loud and yet, only a child learning to open and close it's mouth for the first time in his presence. geto would often be conflicted on whether he should pride himself on bringing out a side of satoru nobody could ever see or feel guilty for allowing him to dull his instincts so as to not outshine him.

if i drag you down, will you follow me?

"what is it?"

"sometimes, i feel as if i knew you in all my past lives"

geto could feel the damp grass lightly prickle his skin through the fabric of his uniform and on any ordinary day, it would've bothered him. but it wasn't just any ordinary day. how could it be when staoru was lying right next to him, long legs stretched out to their full capacity and back resting leisurely against a tree trunk. gaps of sunlight casted shadows along the rise of his cheeks which danced every time a gust of wind blew by and satoru looked as if he was the most content person to have ever lived.

"what do you think we were?" what was i to you?

"who knows? we might've been stray dogs fighting over scraps of trash in one, strangers who only brushed past each other in another, lovers in the next"

geto was glad satoru had his eyes closed, pale eyelashes fanning out like snow sprinkled atop mountain ranges. the deep flush of his ears would've been uncomfortable to perceive, too uncharacteristic, too unlike a friend, a comrade, a fellow second-year.

"suguru" don't call me that. stop clawing at my heart.

"are you even listening?"

geto had always been listening. he had listened to the buzz of crowds roaming the streets of tokyo as satoru's lean silhouette became one with them, their fall out ringing through every nerve in his body. he had listened to the churning of his insides, swallowing satoru's words had proved to be much more taxing than curses. he had listened to the voices in his head crying, begging to be let out, screaming - didn't you know? gods are meant to be worshipped, not loved. you were doomed from the very beginning of this story.

years later, as geto found himself defeated and tattered with unravelled strands of jet-black hair obstructing his fading vision and blood smeared across his temples, he gathered his last ounce of strength to look up at satoru for one last time. satoru, high and mighty, cold and detached. gojo satoru, a god.

all he could think of was a lousy summer morning, wet patches of grass, snow-covered mountains, a breath-taking boy and how he had felt known, seen, understood. he thought of the way he had smiled with furrowed brows, eyes crinkling into crescent moons as he responded to the question he was posed with, wishing he could take it all back.

"what if you grow sick of me? we should take a break in our next lives"

i did not mean it. i never meant it. how could i ask for such a thing? if anything, i was only talking about our next lives. so tell me satoru, why did it have to be this one? i will let you claw at my heart all you want. i will worship you until my knees give out. so-

"at least curse me a little at the very end"

wherever you go, take me with you.

#gojo angst #satosugu #gojo x geto #gojo satoru #geto suguru #jjk angst #jjk manga #jujutsu kaisen #i should seek help #my heart is heavy #i need to seek help #this is my second time

[amartsukki]

"Sometimes I picture this happy life

burning in the depth of time

where sadness is a myth to me

is that something you can give to me?"

- Happy Life, Roland Faunte

happiness.

a picture only ever carries a frozen moment in time. it is only our perception that makes it a story. but a perception has inconsistencies.

so is it fair for me to picture a happy life ahead of me?

knowing that it is only my perception that makes it seem happy,

is it fair for me to picture a happy life ahead of me?

knowing that there's a possibility that it may never be true,

is it still fair for me to picture a happy life ahead of me?

i suppose it is fair.

i suppose it is fair,

to bank my chances on happiness: since the only constant is time, and the only variable the way i feel.

i have spent a lifetime now, not knowing whether i have been happy or not.

is it because i haven't felt happy?

or is it because i do not even know what happiness is?

but, i suppose it is fair,

for me to assume happiness is an expectation.

i suppose it is fair then,

for me to live in expectation of happiness

based on my perception of the first stanza of "happy life", roland faunte

#Spotify #SoundCloud #happy life #happiness #sewing kit #roland faunte #expectations #thoughts #music #song #sadnees #is it time #picture #pictures #writersociety #many thoughts #im 14 and this is deep

[amartsukki]

satosugu officially my favourite anime ship fr fr <3

the descriptions? the angst? the imagery? screaming. crying. throwing up.

the way u make things sound so pretty :')

it must be lonely,

the words had only absent-mindedly tripped off suguru's tongue, a seemingly dull observation arising amongst the dewy whiffs of a dull afternoon. why could he feel his ribcage reverberate with a sound akin to church bells?

being the strongest.

suguru had turned to face him then, impassive eyes blocking out an emotion gojo hadn't learnt to name. one that held enough power to turn his world upside down, tearing it to complete shreds. perhaps, it was an emotion he recognized as much as he recognized the bend of his very own fingers, the curve of his very own feet but refused to name. it must be that. but why was it that?

a soft breeze had blown past their periphery, ruffling suguru's long, raven-black hair the slightest bit as though playfully teasing him like gojo often did. the itch gnawing at him to brush it back into place was only growing stronger with each passing second. it was a single strand of hair, what was he so afraid of?

nobody has ever told me that. you're weird.

he had tried, like always, to dismiss the comment with a hearty chuckle, raising his voice by a pitch or two. but suguru's half-hidden irises wouldn't budge, stubbornly fixated and gently examining. suguru had never budged, not when they had first met with his sunglasses on, not moments later when he had them taken off. most people would flinch, gape in awe, stumble at most. then again, suguru couldn't compare to most people. gojo wouldn't even consider the idea.

people only envy me for it, that's all.

well, yes. you have the whole world bowing at your feet after all.

whole world? gojo couldn't care less. he would forget about the whole world in a split second upon witnessing the way light and shadow played tricks on suguru's face, painting him in a crimson glow as day dissolved into night. whenever he found himself with him, he would be too occupied with questions rattling his skull, the answers to which he wouldn't allow himself to look for. he didn't have to either way, suguru could always look right past him as though he were nothing but a translucent ghost, haunting every place he stepped foot on, dying once again to call it home.

it had been lonely long before gojo was even taught what loneliness meant. but what they hadn't taught him was that being the strongest came at the cost of feeling his bones decay, day after day, until the fear that they would collapse in on themselves kept him awake through the darkest of nights. loneliness had always been lurking, nibbling, scavenging. at least until the measure of his whole world became geto suguru, the boy with the piercing stare and off-putting bangs.

having you by my side is enough.

#jujutsu kaisen #satosugu #gojo x geto #gojo satoru x geto suguru #headcannons #jjk angst #gojo satoru #geto suguru #pining #my heart is heavy #gojo angst #why do you do this to me

[amartsukki]

*chef's kiss*

not many works of fiction have portrayed the idea of love as perfectly as my liberation notes. it speaks of a love that's raw and unpolished, rough around the edges. one you can't help but poke your finger at despite the knowledge that you might bleed. it's a painting buried in an ugly swirl of colours but when you take a few steps back, its beauty is more than apparent to make your soul shake with something. something that falls awkwardly between joy and grief, rage and serenity. it's a single morsel of food, a tissue tucked softly under a plate. it's lingering glances, distant walks, comfortable silence. it's a clang of glass bottles ensuring your presence is known. it's staring so far into the void that you forget what's real, that your body is a home you can never escape. sometimes, you can't help but leap regardless of your weary feet. sometimes, you learn that you're allowed to let them rest. a love like this reminds you of sunflowers, farm fields, fabric stained with sweat. buzzing of cicadas, whirring of fans, rustling of leaves - it's all of them at once or none of them at all. it's worry sprawled across a mother's face. it's a father's calloused hands, picking up a tan underneath the blazing sun. it's tainted photographs, childhood traditions, alcohol crawling through your veins. the loss of a love of this kind leaves you handicapped with no limbs to pick from. yet, you're not concerned with maneuvering yourself. not until a love of the same kind hands you purpose, meaning, reason. you, a child with your palms facing the sky and eyes peeled open, all too ready to drink it in. it's finding a footing of your own, realizing that the world can be just as wide as your wingspan if you let it. loneliness does not stir your being like cotton soaking blood, faces and voices have never felt less bothersome. it's sharing the tiniest of accomplishments, wanting to lay down parts of yourself and remoulding them so the winter does not cut through your skin. eat before you go - i care. sit next to my younger self - i will be here. you scare me - you're the flame, i'm the moth. love is gentle hesitance for some and headstrong impulsiveness for others. but most of all, it's salvation disguised as worship, persevering with steady steps. by the end of it all, its only aim is to fill the gaping chasm of your heart, leaving you whole.

#my liberation notes #my liberation diary #kdrama #my love #platonic #familial love #silence #meaning #reason #purpose #fiction #work of art #work of fiction #presence #love core #son seok koo #kim ji won #kdramaedit #kdramadaily #i love them #romantic love #platonic love