1ucifersdaughter

[1ucifersdaughter]

it is so unbelievably hard to be kind to myself.

#manic depression #depression

[1ucifersdaughter]

seeing dune part two by myself because my friend ditched me for her boyfriend. who needs a boyfriend when you can stare at josh brolin for 2 hours and 45 minutes???

kisses for my panther ladies!!!

#dune part two #dune movie #dune 2 #dune 2024 #josh brolin

[1ucifersdaughter]

actively descending into mania. losing my fucking mind. starting DBT therapy again. getting a psychiatrist and starting meds for the first time since high school. i'm actually scared for my fucking life over starting medication because it ruined me for 10 years. falling behind in my classes. i think all my friends hate me. my brain is moving at fucking light speed. i feel like i'm living years of my dumb fucking life in one day. i'm so exhausted. i hate myself. so real by jeff buckley is the thread im hanging by.

#mentally exhausted #manic depression #anxitey #i just want everything to fucking stop #jeff buckley #so real by jeff buckley

[1ucifersdaughter]

i feel like a horrible person. i'm too scared to live my life, and i'm wasting so much time. people have sacrificed so much for me, and still sacrifice everyday for me. i just don't feel worthy. i also feel like im a bad friend. i don't know. life is so scary. everything is so terrifying. im finding it hard to see the worth in everything.

[1ucifersdaughter]

hi guys, i know it's been a while. it be love day(valentine's day). im with my bestie, kay, aka 5'3 in cowgirl boots bea milly girl. we are out getting drinks and having a good time. I love yall so much. things are hard but that's life i guess? i saw a starling pair today, hopefully that's a good sign, i asked for a good sign through starlings sooooo. we just got our second pitcher we were hoping our waiter forgot about :/ that's okay(we gave it to the surrounding tables and made some beautiful and handsome friends). everything will be alright. im gonna pee and text that guy from high school. love ya!!!

#valentines day #galentinesday

[1ucifersdaughter]

all my life will ever be is exhausting. all ill ever be is burnt out and constantly looking over my shoulder in a foolish and pitiful attempt to escape myself. everything ill ever do will be hard and every accomplishment ill ever make will strip me of my sanity until all that's left is bones.

i know that feelings aren't linear. i understand that feelings are fleeting and that they change. yet ive had this pit in my stomach since i was a little girl. it swallows me whole and spits me out and then swallows me again. it's been one of the only constants in my life. a never ending cycle of fear and discomfort breaking me apart from the inside. it slithers up through my ribs and constricts around my heart, squeezing and squeezing and squeezing until my face goes pale and theres bile rising in my throat. then, it slinks back down into my belly. i swear i can hear it laughing at me sometimes. cackling at my cowardice, at my hesitation to simply exist.

if feelings aren't linear than why has this pit lived in me since before i can remember? and why hasn't it gone away? why has it declared my body, my heart, my mind, my soul, as its eternal host?

im 21 and im fucking exhausted. i have no real skills that will help me thrive in society. i have no idea of direction for my life. i have no motivation other than my crippling fear of failure and worthlessness as a human being, as a daughter, as a sister, as a friend. even that is dwindling.

im 21 and i'll be in college forever. i never even wanted to go to college. but the constant state of terror i've been in my entire life forces the system down my throat like if i don't embrace it ill fucking implode.

i'm 21

im only 21

#hopelessness #life crisis #mentally exhausted #emotionally exhausted #what am i doing here #what am i doin with my life #what is my purpose

[1ucifersdaughter]

why are ten year old girls wearing concealer and buying retinol cream why are ten year old girls wearing concealer and buying retinol cream why are ten year old girls wearing concealer and buying retinol cream why are ten year old girls wearing concealer and buying retinol cream why are ten year old girls wearing concealer and buying retinol cream why are ten year old girls wearing concealer and buying retinol cream why are ten year old girls wearing concealer and buying retinol cream why are ten year old girls wearing concealer and buying retinol cream

#drunk elephant

[1ucifersdaughter]

i want someone to love me so much it hurts. it physically fucking hurts. i want them to feel it in their chest and in their hands. i want someone to love me so much that it rings in their ears and blurs their vision and burns their tongue. i want to be loved. i want to be loved. i want to be loved. i just want to be loved.

#love #feeling alone #just want to be loved #love me tender

[1ucifersdaughter]

it's 1:30 in the morning and i for some reason want to start making chocolate chip cookies from scratch RIGHT NOW like so bad. soooooooo fucking bad. i dont know why but i just UGH I CANT TAKE IT

#baking

[1ucifersdaughter]

having adhd is so hard. i never have the energy to do anything. every single thing i do consumes me completely. im so tired and so anxious all the time. i'll never be ready for this world. i know that nobody is, but it's just different. im different. why is putting on my boots and heading out the door so hard.

#adhd #adhd brain #adhd problems

[1ucifersdaughter]

i cant sleep. i cant stop thinking about how much i love my friends. and how much they love me. i'm the luckiest girl in the world. in the whole universe. in all of space and time! they're so magical. each one so unique and special. i admire them so deeply, i love them so deeply. i've never been good with my words. but i don't think there will ever be the right words to describe how much i fucking adore my friends. life is hard, it's really hard. but at the end of the day, i know i'll always have my girls. and for that, life is oh so sweet.

#friendship #we were girls together

[1ucifersdaughter]

bellamy blake… lordy lordy lordy!!!! he’s just too damn fine!!!!!

#bellamy blake

[1ucifersdaughter]

mourning star's cause of death: congestion

#my nose

[1ucifersdaughter]

nothing takes me out more than the common cold. having a stuffy nose is my roman empire. like oh my god i just wanna breathe. i want my brain not to feel like sludge. how am i supposed to rest and relax when im strictly breathing out of my mouth. then i wake up with a dry throat which was already sore when i went to bed so now it double hurts? AND DURING FINALS? bye

#also coughing in public is so embarrassing #coughing on PUBLIC TRANSIT??? #fighting for my life turning fucking blue on the uptown 5 trying not hack up phlegm

[1ucifersdaughter]

i just want a star wars loving loser boyfriend. is that so much to ask? i long for a sci-fi/fantasy obsessed dork that when they fall in love with a specific book series/movie/tv series or whatever, they consume every single piece of media released about said books/movie/series.

i want to watch 45 minute videos about the dragons from GOT and learn about the targaryen dragons family tree, if they had riders and who they were if they had with someone.

i want to someone to sit and listen to me go on and on and on about padme amidala for hours on end because she's my mf girl. i want them to listen and appreciate the queen of naboo with me because it's what she fucking deserves, thank you.

also, where are my wheel of time himbos at?? please this is so embarrassing!! i need to talk about al'lan mandragoran to someone!!! i need a man to tell me they'd be my warder if i was an aes sedai, and then tell me what ajah they think i would be in based off my personality.

don't get me started on lord of the rings. just fucking don't. aragorn or legolas babe? ARAGORN OR LEGOLAS BABE?!?!!

gimme loser lightsaber twirling men nowwwww please. pretty please.

#listen i know i was just talking mad shit about boyfriends but like come on i'm just a girl #also just have to mention how fine perrin aybara from WOT is like where are the perrin edits? where are the perrin character analysis' #god i love padme amidala #fav star wars character ever #i'm not ashamed you'll never make me feel shame for loving her AND the prequels #anakin! you're breaking my heart! you're going down a path i cant follow! #fuck a sexy bitch called anakin skywalker #anakin and the primreaper would be besties fr #ugh #star wars #wheel of time #game of thrones #padme amidala #perrin aybara #lord of the rings #aragorn son of arathorn #legolas #al'lan mandragoran

[1ucifersdaughter]

i hate it when girls bring their tall ass boyfriends to girl concerts. what the fuck is your man doing at the bea miller concert. bea milly is for the girls. have you heard "that bitch"???? what's your man doing at the hayley kiyoko concert? weeping in the corner like a little bitch when she's performing "he'll never love you(HNLY)" i promise you, he will absolutely never love hayley kiyoko like me.

if you're gonna bring your big ass boyfriend at least have the decency to stand in the fucking back instead of right in front of my 5'3 friend who is only 5'3 because she wears cowgirl boots with a 2 inch heel everyday.

absolutely despicable. DESPICABLE.

#Spotify #bea miller #hayley kiyoko #that bitch #he'll never love you(hnly) #concert #concert etiquette

[1ucifersdaughter]

i'm tired but when am i not? i suppose things are good(for me at least). this professor allowed me a spot in her fully taken up class for spring!!! blessed be!!!! thank you denise!!! magic and the spirit world, here i come!!! i was able to be cozied up in bed last night by 6!!!! i had a yummy, easy dinner and i finally allowed myself to turn on the heating at night!!! i watched a couple episodes of my show and learned how to wear my winter scarf a new way that also makes it a hat!!! i slept nicely and woke up in a warm room that made it easier to get out of bed. i'm on my way to my 9am and i'm gonna get a coffee before i head into class.... and maybe a donut. tomorrow is my last day of class before break. i'm gonna sleep in so good on friday. and it's my birthday on monday!!! gonna see ballad of songbirds and snakes!!! blessed blessed be!!!

#appreciating my life #i truly am blessed this day #i'm gonna do wonderful on my french exam #i'm gonna do my laundry later too