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I Didn’t Grow Up. I’m Still a Toys R Us Kid. I Should’ve Thought This Through.
“Careful what you wish for,” Uncle Carl warned as I snuffed the candles on my Transformers cake. Now my uncle’s dead, while I remain [sticks out chubby fingers] dis many.
The year was ’86, and b-day money was burning through my OshKosh B’Gosh. To that backwards “R” mecca I headed, hopin’ to score a My Pet Monster or maybe some board games in boxes large enough to house family-sized lasagnas. Within that brown-roofed, rainbow-sided pile of bricks, all felt normal, gendered, and right.
That is until the Teddy Ruxpin aisle. As my Velcroed shoes marched passed these faddish bears, one sprang from demo mode. “Don’t grow up,” he whispered. “Stay a kid,” he teased.
I was confused by this, but not that confused. It’s not like he was telling me the cootie shot was ineffective or anything.
Sensing my interest, Ted gave the terms: I could indeed stay a Toys “R” Us kid for, like, a bajillion years. All I gotta do is talk-sing the company jingle in two ads a year, plus some light side work of picking up giraffe turds. “Radical!” I exclaimed, befitting both the slang of the day and subversiveness of the offer.
And at first it was rad. I moved outta my family home and into a ginormous bin of stuffed animals. I spent the days tending to my Little Pony farm and nights sparring with the local Kay-Bee ruffians. Happily subsisting on Easy-Baked goods and Snoopy Snow Cones, my future was Brite, both Rainbow and Lite.
Time passed from 8-bit to Super Nintendo to N64, and sure, I was soooooo borrrrrrrred sometimes. I mean how many times can one watch the underperforming winners of the Nickelodeon Super Toy Run gingerly finger a single bottle of bubbles instead of arm-swiping whole aisles of action figures?
Still, I was mostly a happy boy. There were a million toys at Toys “R” Us that I could play with, and if those ran low, some quarter-smiling stock boy could check the back for more.
Until it all changed. When the liquidation rumors started, I yelled, “nuh-uh!” Gee whiz, this was the biggest toy store there is. Someone would surely save it. Santa? The tooth fairy? A hedge fund guy well-versed in distressed debt?
Sadly, the “nuh-uh!” was a “yes-huh!” Closing was as real as the monster under all of our beds, and even praying to the floating bike racks in the sky did no good.
So now I’m stuck in my own personal H-E-double hockey sticks. A kid, but a highly specific one. Committed to one shuttered store. To one extinct mascot. To a former life that has, to quote Peggy Noonan, “slipped the surly bonds of earth.”
“From bikes to trains to video games” was the promise. My bike, however, is a crappy Huffy with unremovable training wheels. My train’s a six-foot oval that eats up eight D batteries every hour. My video game’s an Intellivision whose intelligence has been outsmarted by smart TVs.
I roam this retail apocalypse on a Thundercats big wheel, in search of just one of those paper slips used to purchase both video games and sandboxes. I’d even take a used breast pump from a Babies R Us, just to feel. To remember. To return to a time when I had the best for so much less.
I might’ve grown into a Spencer’s Gifts tween, pretending to look at Simpsons posters while covertly peeping fuzzy handcuffs and naughty dice. I could’ve become a Gadzooks teen, shoplifting ironic ringer tees I only sorta understood. I could’ve aged into an HomeGoods adult, embracing the simple thrills of decorative farfalle housed in seafoam green canisters. Instead, I’m cursed to live in a label-scarred building that’s only seasonally used as a Spirit Halloween.
Vainly rubbing my decrepit old Magic 8-ball, I ask for deliverance from this, a ceaseless playdate where I age but my Voltron figures never do. And I pray it’s Amazon who handles this delivery, for both the swiftness and the irony.
Careful what you wish for indeed, Uncle Carl.
I Didn’t Grow Up. I’m Still a Toys R Us Kid. I Should’ve Thought This Through. was originally published on Weekly Humorist
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CARTOON: You’ve Got Trouble was originally published on Weekly Humorist
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Other Crazy Beliefs Of The MyPillow Guy
MyPillow CEO’s Cyber Symposium Goes Down in Flames After His ‘Cyber Guy’ Admits It’s a Sham The effort to prove election fraud in the U.S. was one goofy disaster after another. (GIZMODO 8/12/2021)
Aside from his ongoing battle with reality, what else does MyPillow guy Mike Lindell believe:
“Butterscotch pudding is sentient, and using your tummy as a place to procreate and dispense mind-controlling worms.”
“Andrew Cuomo’s discarded nipple rings can be used to construct a helmet with which to contact yodeling enthusiasts from other dimensions.”
“Beverly Hills 90210 is superior to Melrose Place.”
“Chupacabra are homeless people who have transformed to a beast-like state due to constantly forgetting to say the blessing before meals.”
“Playing Connect Four with an uncircumcised dentist can inadvertently summon several demons of varying caliber.”
“Hershey’s with almonds is better than Snickers.”
“If you shave your left buttock, and then gently sprinkle the hairs upon a newborn infant, the child will someday grow up to experience the splendor and grandeur of owning a company that produces and nationally distributes pillows.”
“Ancient Mayans began the cycle of mystical summoning that ultimately resulted in that weird stuff that you find beneath your toenails.”
“French kissing is an invention of Satan himself; who, perhaps not coincidentally, is quite good at it.”
“A mixture of ranch dressing, paint thinner and holy water is like Extra-Strength Nyquil from Heaven itself.”
“It’s not DiGiorno, it is delivery! It is, it is, it is!!!”
Other Crazy Beliefs Of The MyPillow Guy was originally published on Weekly Humorist
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Quiz: Delta Plus Airline Perks Or Delta Plus Variant Result
1. Curbside drop off
2. Shortness of Breath
3. Nausea
4. Business class upgrade
5. Nextflix binge watching
6. Complimentary adult beverage
7. Increased chance of blood clots
8. Abdominal Pain
9. Early boarding
10. Earplugs
11. Cared for by a person in uniform
12. Discoloration of Fingers and Toes
Delta Plus Airline: 4, 6, 9, 10
Delta Plus Covid Symptom: 2,3, 8, 12
Both: 1, 5, 7. 11
Quiz: Delta Plus Airline Perks Or Delta Plus Variant Result was originally published on Weekly Humorist
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CARTOON: Hear This! was originally published on Weekly Humorist
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CARTOON: Heating Up was originally published on Weekly Humorist
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As a Former Cult Leader, Here’s What I Would Bring to the Role of Store Manager at Bath & Body Works
To the Area Manager of Bath & Body Works,
I wish to submit my application for the role of store manager at location #4971, Sevenoaks Mall. I believe I am well-qualified and have found great success in various types of management roles, most recently as the head of a small-to-medium religious sect. While I am not able to discuss the dissolution of that group in writing as it may be admissible as evidence, I can detail how this experience uniquely qualifies me to lead the team at Bath & Body Works location #4971 out of the darkness and into the Warm Vanilla Sugar-scented light.
In my former career I managed as many as 294 people at once, though I would delegate certain tasks to a small inner circle of 10 young women with similar hair textures. I believe in the importance of empowering your employees to be well-rounded and able to take decisive action on your behalf. Whether it’s anointing customers with your highest-priced item (You’re the One eau de parfum, $59.50) or leading what was intended to be a peaceful sit-in at the city records office, I seek to mentor and uplift.
As you may have seen on my CV (attached – unlockthewarriorwithin.pdf), my previous position often involved baptisms and the laying of hands. I am willing to train staff on these techniques so they can be used to their full effect on the shop floor. I understand that apostasy is very common in retail sales, so I will endeavour to collect compromising information on all employees to be strategically deployed should any of them defect to Lush or The Body Shop.
A goal of mine, if hired, would be to revamp your rewards program. A free product of their choice (value up to $16.50) and a few emailed coupon codes are not going to win you long-term loyalty from those who pledge membership. I would place staff in strategic locations like bus stations or airports to seek out those who seem alone and adrift, who crave the comfort that only a three-wick Peach Bellini candle can provide. If we position Bath & Body Works location #4971 as the only force in their lives that does not seek to sabotage them on the road to fulfilling their maximum potential, we could increase our year-on-year KPIs by as much as 15%.
The primary reason I am applying to this role is because I feel it would be an opportunity to correct some of my past errors. For example, I will not request that Bath & Body Works location #4971 be declared tax-exempt by the IRS as a religious institution. In my experience, this only draws undue attention from other government agencies and is not worth the potential decrease in overhead spending. I would also replace the controversial “demonstrations of fealty” with the more socially acceptable “team-building exercises”. Lastly, I would avoid taking creative liberties while disseminating corporate doctrine to employees, as I now understand that terms like “divine conflagration” may be interpreted in a variety of ways.
In conclusion, I believe I have all the qualifications necessary in order to be raised into the pantheon of Bath & Body Works location #4971 store managers. If you remain unconvinced by my testimony, please consult my attached references: Ma Shanti Om (℅ Fraser County Prison), Special Agent Joe Greenwood (who found “no evidence of a direct connection”), and Julie Tremblay (Area Manager, Lululemon).
Thank you for your consideration.
As a Former Cult Leader, Here’s What I Would Bring to the Role of Store Manager at Bath & Body Works was originally published on Weekly Humorist
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#HorrorCandy
Yum! Shockolate! It’s #HorrorCandy on this week’s trending joke game! Here are some of the best on @HashtagRoundUp powered by @TheHashtagGame. Play our comedy hashtag twitter games every Wednesday at 11 am EST.
Let’s play #HorrorCandy with co-host @HashtagRoundup powered by @TheHashtagGame TOP TWEET wins a copy of our new book ‘Greg Maxwell’s Inferno by @k3ithjam3s from @HumoristBooks_ https://t.co/KShnj5suhe pic.twitter.com/omT2w8SHha
— Weekly Humorist (@WeeklyHumorist) August 11, 2021
Children of the Candy Corn #HorrorCandy pic.twitter.com/nyy5DK7jsd
— Kyle Who’s Chill (@kyletim13) August 11, 2021
#HorrorCandy
Kit-Black-Kat pic.twitter.com/89I1lJvE58
— Nathan Robson #42 Black/female/LGBTQ lives matter! (@NathanMisao) August 11, 2021
Gummy Scares #HorrorCandy pic.twitter.com/wqb2yQG1Yf
— Gerard Kiely👨🎨🇮🇪 (@anynewsboss) August 11, 2021
Reece’s in pieces.#HorrorCandy pic.twitter.com/CJdwf0JgcD
— Ariel 51 (@AnalogueAntenna) August 11, 2021
Racist Peanut Butter Cups. #HorrorCandy pic.twitter.com/ZGycpyqS65
— 𝒥𝓊𝓁𝒾𝒶 (@SwimmerJlo) August 11, 2021
#HorrorCandy pin lemon heads pic.twitter.com/0aQw6h2YL7
— Sammy is here 520 (@520Sammy) August 11, 2021
#HorrorCandy Cadbury’s Snake pic.twitter.com/MKuQDffEjF
— Sam .. why you following me, what do you want 😉 (@HowlinMad3) August 11, 2021
Omen Joy #HorrorCandy pic.twitter.com/cTEBKslWx8
— 𝒥𝓊𝓁𝒾𝒶 (@SwimmerJlo) August 11, 2021
#HorrorCandy Hershey’s Kisses grinning evilly pic.twitter.com/eGWVq2wwr7
— Lorna (@mysterytour9) August 11, 2021
The Ring Pop #horrorcandy pic.twitter.com/gJFuyeKdsa
— Justin Avery Smith (@JustAVerySmith) August 11, 2021
Creeps #HorrorCandy pic.twitter.com/URWPvD0H74
— Adam (@AdamNextDoor) August 11, 2021
Fry’s Day. The 13th! #HorrorCandy pic.twitter.com/xPjMnRuBzL
— John Lane (@JohnFPLane) August 11, 2021
Rosemary’s Sugar Babies
#HorrorCandy
— Ann O’Neill (@Ann_ONeill) August 11, 2021
#HorrorCandy
Sno Kneecaps pic.twitter.com/UHcsuG38J8
— Shatasha (@ScorpioShatasha) August 11, 2021
Noooo don’t bite it!!! #HorrorCandy pic.twitter.com/RQnNZeQyVB
— Portmanteau on the road 😷💉💉 (@SadlyCatless) August 11, 2021
Reece’s Peanut Butter Curse #horrorcandy pic.twitter.com/Dko9rT94RS
— Justin Avery Smith (@JustAVerySmith) August 11, 2021
Rosemary’s Baby Ruth #HorrorCandy
— JamieKadriel (@JamieKadriel) August 11, 2021
Mummy Bears #HorrorCandy @KitLively pic.twitter.com/rjseDIr72U
— Weekly Humorist (@WeeklyHumorist) August 11, 2021
Two Girls, One Peanut Butter Cup #HorrorCandy
— Dan Levey (@iamdanlevey) August 11, 2021
Jaws Breakers #HorrorCandy pic.twitter.com/hJIOQV9TH9
— CK (@charley_ck14) August 11, 2021
Severed Lemonheads
#HorrorCandy
— 𝒥𝓊𝓁𝒾𝒶 (@SwimmerJlo) August 11, 2021
IT-Kat #HorrorCandy pic.twitter.com/0X7uGQolZv
— Kristie Smeltzer (@KristieSmeltzer) August 11, 2021
Cadbury’s Scream Egg #HorrorCandy pic.twitter.com/7ErlsvI2S9
— jenji (@jenjihere) August 11, 2021
Crunch (that was your bones) #HorrorCandy @scripta_bene
— Weekly Humorist (@WeeklyHumorist) August 11, 2021
(Blood) Gushers #HorrorCandy @scripta_bene
— Weekly Humorist (@WeeklyHumorist) August 11, 2021
Michael Myers & Ike #HorrorCandy @KitLively @scripta_bene
— Weekly Humorist (@WeeklyHumorist) August 11, 2021
Black liquorice. End of argument #HorrorCandy
— No good at this (@Protogenes1) August 11, 2021
Everlasting Heartstoppers #HorrorCandy @scripta_bene pic.twitter.com/QNvKdiJlER
— Weekly Humorist (@WeeklyHumorist) August 11, 2021
Cookies & Scream Twix #HorrorCandy
— The Man They Call Wooly Woolhouse (@WoolyWoolhouse) August 11, 2021
Reeses Feces #HorrorCandy
— Weekly Humorist (@WeeklyHumorist) August 11, 2021
#HorrorCandy
Jelly Rabies pic.twitter.com/vtXD3CqElZ
— Robert Adam (@Robadam69) August 11, 2021
Marzipan’s Labyrinth. #HorrorCandy
— John Lane (@JohnFPLane) August 11, 2021
Tootsie Troll #HorrorCandy @paul_lander
— Weekly Humorist (@WeeklyHumorist) August 11, 2021
Shockolate! #HorrorCandy
— John Lane (@JohnFPLane) August 11, 2021
#HorrorCandy
S&M&M’s
— T.D.M. (@Waveymaybe) August 11, 2021
IT-tles#HorrorCandy@WeeklyHumorist
@delaneyWHmag pic.twitter.com/PYPjiJ9s19
— Richie the C (@RtotheTtotheC) August 11, 2021
Demonheads #HorrorCandy @KitLively
— Weekly Humorist (@WeeklyHumorist) August 11, 2021
#HorrorCandy
Ghoul Scout cookies
— Nathan Robson #42 Black/female/LGBTQ lives matter! (@NathanMisao) August 11, 2021
#HorrorCandy was originally published on Weekly Humorist
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An Open Letter of Apology to My Future Self For Introducing Our Toddler to “Whoomp, There It Is” by Tag Team
There’s nothing I’d like more than to characterize what happened as a moment of thoughtlessness. I wish I could dismiss my decision as a simple, albeit shortsighted, homage to an unmistakable similarity with the toddler-speak phrase, Whoopsie! There it is! But I knew what I was doing — which was whatever it took to end the scourge of “We’re Going on a Bear Hunt.” I couldn’t go over it. I couldn’t go under it. So, I went nuclear. This is not intended as an excuse, but rather as an explanation of the accountability that I accept.
The consequence of going nuclear is the radiation. I’d like to tell you that you’ll be okay. I could be like, Don’t worry. You won’t experience internal bleeding or the destruction of bone marrow unless there are super high doses of exposure. Unfortunately, the worst-case scenario is imminent. It’s something I’ll have to live with. More importantly, it’s something you’ll have to live with.
It won’t seem that bad the first dozen times you have Tag Team in full effect, kicking the flow with DC The Brain Supreme, and his man Steve Roll’n. We’re party people, right? We like to jump, jump rejoice, just like anyone else does. You might even think you imagined the potential harm that my decision could cause. But if I let you believe that, I’d be gaslighting you. The party is over here and it’s over there.
Our relationship has had its issues — just as one example, I’ve selfishly claimed the moment on the lips, leaving you with the lifetime on the hips. That’s why it won’t occur to you right away, when you’re winded during yet another sing-along, that nine times is a lot of repetitions of a chorus. You’ll attribute the shortness of breath to general lack of fitness from eating stray tater tots. You’ll wave the thought away like you just don’t care. You’ll shake your derriere. You’ll think about how these three words mean you’re gettin’ busy. Then, you’ll be preoccupied by the fact that there are actually four words.
As with other foolhardy toddler endeavors, such as answering Why? or attempting one-hour car rides, the situation will be your problem, not mine. I can only say that I didn’t grasp the extreme mood swings that exposure can cause in small children, and I also did not apprehend the way symptoms increase over time. I understand that this explanation doesn’t reduce the suffering I have caused, and it doesn’t reduce culpability. It’s simply a context that I am sharing.
During the opening bars, your child will gaze at you in the manner of little Drew Barrymore in Firestarter, a telepathic insistence on a heartfelt solo of Tag Team, back again. You sang those words the first time because they were the only ones you knew, and for your toddler, like a lawyer, precedents are everything. Soon after this, a wild euphoria will erupt, triggered by Shaka-laka-shaka-laka-shaka-laka-shaka. Tell-tale signs include spinning, screaming, and careening around the room. This will always result in a face plant or rug burn, leading to another symptom of acute exposure — swelling and redness.
The uncontrollable sobbing will continue into the call and response section, Can you dig it? We can dig it! Appropriate emergency response is for your husband to cradle the child on the floor while you frantically continue to dance for fear that failure to do so will incite more hysteria. You’ll stuff down the concern that if something happens to you, these Nest kid-cam images will be your last — a middle-aged woman doing the shovel as if it’s part of a hostage negotiation.
The silver lining to the fact that the child always comes in too hot, never finishing the song, is that you may never be asked why DC The Brain Supreme wants a honey to dip it in. Or whether gin and juice is available at your house. Or what the B-double-O-T-Y did to deserve being slammed, dunked, flipped, and ridden. Or most significantly, who Puffin’ Dank is.
Regardless, you’ll never be able to un-see your husband taking it back to the old school because he’s an old fool who’s so cool. You’ll never be able to un-hear the cherubic voice of a toddler shouting, “Alexa, play ‘Whoomp, There It Is’ by Tag Team!”
I’m sorry.
An Open Letter of Apology to My Future Self For Introducing Our Toddler to “Whoomp, There It Is” by Tag Team was originally published on Weekly Humorist
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The Cartoon Pad w/ guest Jessica Ziegler
This very special episode The Cartoon Pad talks to Jessica Ziegler, the Marketing Director of the CartoonStock and daughter of cartoon great Jack Ziegler. The talk veers away from cartooning to the Pixies, the Beatles and running Michael over in a Volkswagen.
The Cartoon Pad w/ guest Jessica Ziegler was originally published on Weekly Humorist
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CARTOON: MAGA Metals was originally published on Weekly Humorist
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The Latest Delta Variant Fraternity Meeting Minutes
Hey guys, shut the fuck up! Don’t make me use the gavel. I know it looks like we have a lot on the agenda for tonight, but if we all stay focused, we can get through it so we can get to Hannigan’s for $2 wells afterwards, there’s no capacity limit. From looking at VirusRank this morning, our Delta strain was ranked top-tier of all mutations in the country, even above the Alpha variant! As a new variant that first chartered a COVID wave less than a year ago, I can not believe how quickly we’ve risen. I know our founders, Selfishness and Recklessness, would be feverish with pride. But that doesn’t mean we can take a break or slow down. The Lambda variant has their sights set on climbing ranks by evading the vaccine, which means we not only need to maintain our reputation, but build upon it.
Moving on to Old Business, which includes our most recent superspreader event. As I’m sure you’ve all seen from this morning’s case counts, Lollapalooza was a success! Our Superspreader Chair, Brian, informed me that 100,000 unmasked individuals showed up to the festival, and we were able to infect nearly 75,000 of them, with 100% of infections benefiting the downfall of society. That’s a variant record! Keep up the great work with all these super spreader events, and let’s not lose the momentum we have going. Reminder that we have Pitchfork coming up too, and there are still open slots for those who can volunteer to infect Instagram influencers.
And now for New Business. As many of you know, recruitment is coming up in a few short weeks. Take a look around the room. You’ll probably notice hundreds of thousands of new faces, because this past year we’ve kicked ass and in all senses of the word, we’ve “won.” But we’re not done. If we want to win Virus Week this year, we’re going to have to keep recruiting cases. Brian, if you can grab a pen, we’re going to brainstorm some buzz words that describe our strain. How about, “contagious?” Devastating. Fatal. Great words, guys! Now, I want you all to keep this in mind as we’re choosing new victims. We want new cases to reflect our values in the way that they wreck havoc in the hospitals everyday.
Alright fellas, let’s move on to discussion and voting. Before the meeting, I asked a lot of you to suggest some new symptoms that we could release upon our arrival into the body. Now I’ll take the suggestions out of this hat of a guy who passed away recently to read them aloud. The most suggested symptom gets added to the official symptom list. Okay, hives, that’s great. Warts, kind of like hives, but fine. Guys, seeing lots of constipation in here, I like that—no mess! Come on, who put “make boobs bigger, hubba hubba” in here, grow up! Another vote for constipation…another one for constipation…Yahoo! Constipation wins!
Listen, I’m ready to read your member complaints. I’m seeing a lot of you guys are frustrated that people aren’t taking us seriously. We were all pissed when the vaccines came, but let’s sack up. Half the country isn’t buying that crap and even so, I’ve been super impressed by every single member here, even the pledges for attacking the vaccinated. The numbers are starting to look good for us, so let’s keep it up and don’t be pussies about it.
We got a big week ahead of us, boys. The CDC wants everyone to start wearing masks again, but as usual, just enter that little slit on the side. City mayors are starting to threaten that restrictions will return, but remember they always cave to capitalism so don’t sweat it. And guys, I’m begging you, please go to our social exchange with the Flu this week. I know they’re a little gross, but you have to be gentlemen. Meeting adjourned.
The Latest Delta Variant Fraternity Meeting Minutes was originally published on Weekly Humorist
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Chores That I Absolutely Won't Get To This Weekend
Freshening up the Velveeta cheese by hosing it off in the driveway.
Disinfecting my dogs’ nipple piercings.
Perfecting my online Xanadu fan-site.
Shaking the loose toenails off of the hammock in the backyard.
Taking all of those vhs porn tapes to the Goodwill.
Applying WD40 to the zippers of my parachute pants collection.
Delousing my roommate’s loofah.
Tripping the lights fantastic.
Treating the swollen tick bites of the Jehovah’s Witnesses locked in the basement.
Liberally apply Febreze to Grampa’s sex swing.
Chores That I Absolutely Won’t Get To This Weekend was originally published on Weekly Humorist
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REVIEW: Lava
A pioneer of alternative comedy and star of numerous Generation X cultural touchstones, Janeane Garofalo possessed a voice for the ages. Literally and metaphorically the voice of a generation, her sarcastic, vulnerable, over it, and overwhelmed timbre was so definitive to the ‘90s that a lot of people thought she provided the voice of Daria on Daria. She didn’t, but more than two decades removed from her zeitgeist-defining days, Garofalo finally gives voice to an animated version of her persona in the form of Debora, the protagonist and focus of Lava, a futuristic movie about present-day themes.
Who else could play Debora, a character clearly based on the prevailing notion of ‘90s-era Garofalo, than Garofalo herself? The character is a jaded, underachieving tattoo artist, a perfect mixture of the most stereotyped negative qualities of a Generation-Xer and a Millennial. Debora is the starting point for some Rick and Morty–style sci-fi weirdness as well as some cutting social satire.
One night, Debora invites over her crew of equally unfulfilled, emotionally stunted, and immature adults over to watch the immensely popular Peak TV series Gain of Clones, an obvious parody of Game of Thrones, except it involves giant vegetables (presaging the events of the film itself while also suggesting a Thrones variant that sounds way better than what it’s teasing). Suddenly, Debora, her friends, and the rest of the known world watching Gain of Clones, or anything else on any sort of screen, be it a phone, smart TV, or big-screen movie, lose two minutes of their lives, falling into a collective trance because of a subliminal message full of images of death and destruction.
That message came from a hostile race of aliens who, in the tradition of alien races in all forms of fiction, wish to destroy the Earth and everything and everyone on it. The shape-shifting beings arrive as giant cats, giant snakes, and towering pyro-kinetic witches, who easily arrive and take over with absolutely no resistance because most all of humanity is too busy, distracted and entranced by every screen on the planet capturing their attention with those subliminal messages. It’s up to the unlikely, unqualified, unprepared, and probably unsuccessful Debora and her friends to figure out how to resist the alien mind control pull and Make Earth Great Again.
The message her is a little obvious and ham-fisted — the world so lost in what’s going on with their phones is a clear metaphor for widespread smartphone dependence, and how this technological development of the last decade is bad, and prevents us all from enjoying an authentic experience, or, taken to its absurd height, noticing even the most catastrophic events taking place around us. Nevertheless, the English dub of Ayar Blasco’s strictly for adults Spanish-language animated feature that met with a glowing reception at the Annecy Contrechamp Animation Film Festival, is a fun, well-plotted movie with recognizable and familiar characters that revels in its chaos, and Garofalo is as sharp and engaging as ever. Distracting oneself from horrific world events by staring at Lava on their phone, tablet, or laptop sounds like an ideal and self-consciously ironic way to spend an evening.
Lava is available for purchase on Amazon, iTunes, Google Play, Fandango, and Vimeo on Demand.
REVIEW: Lava was originally published on Weekly Humorist
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CARTOON: Unreal Estate was originally published on Weekly Humorist
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Obituary: Film Critic's Life Lacked Compelling Narrative Arc
Internet movie critic Robert “Bob” Umeck passed away in his sleep on Friday night at the age of 79. Bob’s death was as uneventful as his life, which can be described, at best, as thoroughly mediocre. What began as a promising youth quickly devolved into a middle age section that failed to adequately deliver on its original premise.
Bob had initially planned on becoming a screenwriter but upon encountering the inevitable obstacles that any “artist” faces, he prematurely surrendered the goals that made him an engaging character and instead settled for a career in amateur film criticism. Bob worked for several decades at a minor newspaper in Topeka before transitioning to the web with his relatively obscure Bob’s Take blog, where he meandered through the rest of his life without a clear motivation or purpose.
Over the years, Bob wrote thousands of reviews for films ranging from Titanic to Nomadland. Unfortunately, he seldom offered any truly valuable insights. Each review was virtually identical to the last, rehashing the same formulaic and painfully obvious critiques that the average person could easily make on their own. Of course, there was no better embodiment of average than Bob.
It was evident throughout Bob’s writing that he believed his arguments to be uniquely perceptive, but this pretentious attitude served only to expose his limited knowledge of filmmaking. Likewise, his routine attempts at witticisms often fell entirely flat with his audience. Readership was inconsistent from the blog’s inception, with most visitors quickly growing weary of Bob’s pedestrian commentary. In better hands, Bob’s Take might have been a prime destination for cinephiles seeking incisive film analysis. But Bob lacked either the vision or the talent, or perhaps both. He ultimately failed to convince the public that he was a film critic worthy of our attention.
Bob’s personal life was equally unremarkable. He is survived by his two young adult sons from his marriage to Kate Umeck, who died in 2013. Bob frequently described Kate as “adorably quirky,” but according to friends, she seemed mostly one-dimensional and served no apparent purpose other than to advance her husband’s ambitions. That isn’t to say that her husband’s ambitions were anything to write home about. In fact, it is precisely the absence of an identifiable theme that made Bob’s life story so fundamentally lackluster. There is perhaps no better elucidation of this than in the contrast between Bob’s life and that of his exemplary father, Richard Umeck.
Unlike Bob, Richard Umeck had a highly successful career as a published novelist, many of his books having been featured on nationwide bestseller lists. His work became a literary institution in its time and those who knew him described Richard as possessing one of the most captivating minds they had ever encountered. Quite frankly, following Richard Umeck’s life with Bob was an unnecessary exercise. What could have been an admirable legacy has been permanently blemished by a derivative descendant.
Overall, Bob Umeck’s life wasn’t horrible, but it was most certainly forgettable. And furthermore, it was at least ten years too long. There were numerous times when everyone was waiting for it to end. Bob had so little to offer the world and yet insisted on offering it nonetheless, and for far longer than most would have appreciated. Let’s hope that his children better understand the value of brevity.
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Services will be held at Valley Funeral Home on Saturday at 10:30am, 12:45pm, 2pm, 4:15pm, and 7pm.
Obituary: Film Critic’s Life Lacked Compelling Narrative Arc was originally published on Weekly Humorist
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CARTOON: Back 2 was originally published on Weekly Humorist
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